#he's corny and old fashioned and that's what sets him about from other heroes

[thenotoriousscuttlecliff]

Snyder fans: Man of Steel made us Superman fans.

Snyder fans when a Superman movie has Superman acting like Superman:

[gizkasparadise]

cdrama rec/review: le coup de foudre

KDRAMA AND CDRAMA MASTER LIST OF REVIEWS

Series: le coup de foudre / love at first sight / i don’t like this world, i only like you Episodes: 35 w/ a special Genres: then & now, slice of life, high school to adult life, romance, reunion/getting back together, working with the ex Spoilers in the Rec: for set-up/light ones for character backgrounds If You Like, You’ll Like: the reply series, sad-looking dogs that are loved very much, because this is my first life (VERY similar male lead), sibling love, my sunshine but if people were nicer and had significantly better hair, multiple couples that are all a lot of fun

Rank: 10/10

PREMISE

flashback to 6-8 years ago (because the OP here can’t remember lol): it’s desk selection day in qiao yi’s classroom! a very dramatic moment for all high schoolers, qia yi has to select who she sits next to. because she’s at the bottom of the class ranking, she gets last pick, which essentially narrows down her choices to that creepy kid who writes love poetry to every female student in the class and yan mo, the scary genius student who has placed 1st in their class since...forever.

taking a gamble, qiao yi goes with yan mo. yan mo eventually agrees to tutoring qiao yi outside of class and they become friends. then...friends? if you know what i mean. it’s very sweet and cute. only problem is that yan mo is both a genius and from a Family of Means, and so is already planning on attending cambridge (yeah, fucking cambridge) after graduation. not wanting to separate, yan mo asks qiao yi to come with him and she agrees to study hard so she can get accepted to a university in the UK, too.

but then, well, bad shit happened. 

qiao yi ended up staying in their home town, yan mo left for cambridge, and we got two v heartbroken teenagers on our hands.

4 years later, yan mo returns after studying in the uk, and by chance they end up bumping into each other. angry because qiao yi hurt him, yan mo puts up an ALOOF AND COLD AND I DONT CARE AT ALL front that she sadly buys. but after he leaves for the big city to pursue a business opportunity, qiao yi harnesses some amazing big dick energy to go after him, in a sort of inverse DONT LET HER GET ON THAT PLANE! move. very abba. 

the plot bounces between their (and their friends’) high school years, their lives as reunited adults, and their future lives as married folks. i love it very, very much.

MAIN CHARACTERS

zhao qiao yi

as a high schooler, qiao yi was a quiet girl with low self-esteem, who consistently ranked at the bottom of her class and was always attempting to retreat into her school tracksuit like a turtle. despite this, qiao yi has some solid friends and is always kind if somewhat shy or uncomfortable in certain situations. as a adult, qiao yi works as a television producer and is clearly more confident. 

she buys truly awful graphic t-shirts as thank you gifts that one feels obligated to wear. falls for scams easily. will help you fold 1000 paper stars for your boyfriend even if she hates your boyfriend because she’s ride or die like that. look at how cute she is no one is allowed to be mean to someone as cute as this.

yan mo / “frank”

if you liked se hee in because this is my first life, you’re in luck because here is a 10% angrier version. at first, yan mo seems cold, aloof, snobbish, pretentious, arrogant...

okay, but he’s ALSO got a lot of feelings and will help people out. well, at the start of the show, he’ll help two people out. but that expands to like 10. so, progress! in high school, he falls for qiao yi in the typical Cannot Spit It Out fashion, buying her sentimental cans of coke, PUTTING IN ONE EARBUD SO SHE CAN LISTEN TO THE BEATLES WITH HIM, feeling Weird about her tying his tie, and single-handedly ruining a for-profit afterschool tutoring business in about 30 seconds, because they weren’t teaching qiao yi anything, and he knew he could do it better. tbh he completely fucking destroys a lot of things and people in under a minute. #ruthless

he’s very protective of qiao yi and rather than explain it, here is a clip from the special episode where yan mo confronts another student who left a love confession meant for qiao yi in his desk by mistake (subtitles have to be selected under settings, but it’s subbed in english):

zhao guan chao

zhao qiao yi’s twin brother, who has always placed 2nd in their classes after yan mo. despite his high grades, he comes off as a laidback teen heartthrob and has a reputation for being a flake and a playboy. BUT he’s legit a chill dude and clearly popular for a reason--he gets along with (almost) everyone. he loves his sister and is extremely protective of her, especially since she’s so shy and has low self-esteem for Reasons That Will Be Explained in the Tragic Backstory. he’s such a good brother. the best brother. also looks out for qiao yi’s best friend, wu yi. understands the value of shoes.

hao wu yi

qiao yi’s best friend, and another classmate of The Crew. i say this with so, so much love, but she’s got a lot of chaotic dumbass energy. struggling along the bottom ranks with qiao yi during high school. she has the worst taste in men as a teenager, falling for the guy who literally bullied her in like. ep 2. thankfully she’s got qiao yi and guanchao.

the trio are close, and that doesn’t change as they grow up. wu yi ends up becoming a novelist who writes pop and steamy romance novels and has a significant teenage girl fanbase. it’s amazing. 

fei da chuan

my boy. another classmate, he, qiao yi, and wu yi make up the official Dumbass Trio of their high school class and have adorable adventures + solidarity in it. he’s also yan mo’s uncle. somehow. because rich people families are wild. while he’s got a place to live, he more often than not crashes at yan mo’s, who Does Not Like It. but da chuan does not notice or care. 

abrasive but 100% sincere about everything and toward everyone. people will think he’s an asshole or a gangster but then he’s secretly feeding abandoned kittens in the corner or something. as an adult, has the best business casual outfits. serves as a big brother figure to a lot of people, but qiao yi in particular. cannot, cannot fucking do math.

SUPPORTING

“alicia” / cheng youmei. an old family friend of yan mo’s who is very posh and rich and dignified. studied abroad with him at cambridge, and is cold toward qiao yi after arriving back in china. cosplays B)

teacher gao. everyone’s high school teacher who later owns a bar that seems to be there only for dispensing advice. seriously. there is no way this bar is economically sound as the only customers you ever see are gao’s students coming in one at a time for Wisdom and you never see them pay for anything. also the bar has no fucking roof and is directly above traintracks. i have hang-ups about this bar

lin shu. yan mo’s mother. very sweet and pretty and a ballernia turned program director. is almost never home but clearly loves her son. du chaun’s sister. somehow.

zhao suyin. qiao yi and guan chao’s mother. one of her kinks is roleplaying condor heroes characters? okay okay okay

tian weimin. qiao yi and guan chao’s stepfather who works as police officer. best dad award. he’s so sweet and corny and peak dad humor. he loves them kids & they love him back

grandpa. yan mo’s dog in high school. a very old basset hound with sad eyes:

dollar or d. i cant tell you anything about him, other than he used to be a stray and yan mo says he’s ugly, which, rude.

DRAWBACKS

plot...hm. there’s SOME plot, but this is about characters + romance + friendship + family. if you’re looking for scheming mothers-in-law or tragic car accidents or secret destinies this isn’t the one for you. similar in vibe to Reply 1988 (they even watch the show in the show :’D / make references to it)

OKAY SO every plot summary i’ve seen says that yan mo is in a relationship with someone else when he gets back to china. no he is not. i say this because it was a huge turn off for me/initially put me off watching the series. he is definitely a one-and-only type. there’s no cheating in this show. lmao, hell, neither of the mains are even interested in anyone else but each other

i liked du chuan and his love interest a lot, but they definitely didn’t get as much screen time as the others

while it’s clear qiao yi + yan mo are the mains, another couple gets a lot of screen time as well. this might be a skip if you don’t like multiple couples/secondary relationships in a show

i surprisingly enjoyed the high school storyline a lot more than the adult one? which is super weird for me, but idk i was sad when it was over because it was so cute.

some...weird technical decisions. every once in a while, the camera will have like a nostalgia filter and then it disappears and then the edges get a bit blurry and idk it feels very film school 101 to show that what’s on screen is a ~memory. the soundtrack/music is sometimes also too loud--to the point where it can drown out the actors (particularly janice wu in the high school arc, since qiao yi is soft-spoken)

REASONS TO WATCH

the lead actors (janice wu + zhang yujian) are legit two of my favorites and they have great/easy chemistry. all the actors are amazing. everyone’s loveable

SIBLING GOALS the zhao twins are amazing and they’re both each other’s biggest fans. gaunchao had some really heartwarming brother moments

i love love lmao. this spoke to a lot of my favorite dynamics: exes reunited/having to work together, childhood sweethearts reuniting as adults, “gangster” and princess, childhood friends turned lovers, bickering couples, cold man who actually has a lot of feelings, lots of people being overprotective, idk. everything was just great. 0 complaints on any of the ships.

i genuinely liked every character other than that one piece of shit poppa zhao. even alicia, who’s put into the stereotypical rich bitch role, was actually really fun and subverted a lot of expectations for this trope

it’s just. real cute y’all. probably my favorite cdrama and definitely in my top 10 (maybe 5?) dramas overall.

FINAL THOUGHTS

i love them ;;

[aldbooks]

Desperada

...

What the everloving hell did I just watch?

Beware the salt... also the GIF use lol

Basically... I fucking hated it. The entire time I watched it, the majority of the words coming out my mouth were some variation of “what the fuck? This is excruciating!” I honestly can’t believe I actually watched it twice 🤦🏻‍♀️

Ok so, first we start off with some quality Lukanette and even Marinette’s friends are all “Wow! Marinette and Luka are so cute together. What a good match they make. Maybe she should give him a shot instead of Adrien?!”

But then of course, Adrien shows up!... with Kagami. And Marinette, predictably, becomes Disasternette. At this point, we’re not even two minutes in and I already kinda wanna turn it off.

So then the gang goes above stairs to see what’s going on and Disasternette becomes even worse when Jagged Stone asks her to help him find a new guitarist. Everyone of course expects her to say Luka, cuz duh. But no. She picks 🥁... Adrien.

Who doesn’t even play guitar.

Then Jagged says “what about that kid wearing my face on his shirt with the guitar strapped on his back?” (Lol) and Mari’s like “oh, of course!” Cue short lived sigh of relief, cuz it’s immediately followed by “Luka can let Adrien borrow his guitar!”

At this point I’m actually kinda angry. Because not only are they once again making Marinette look like an absolute fool, they made beautiful, selfless Luka look like a complete push over because he just gives the guitar to Adrien to please Marinette. Wtf??

And still, we’re not even four minutes in. At this point, I know this is going to be a very long episode.

So, now the introduction to this episode’s akuma, Desperada. I ain’t mad it. Cool costume design, semi legit reason for akumatization, also, we now know what that random akuma from the Gamer 2.0 episode is that we were all like who the heck is that?

Fast forward a little here: Mari has a bit of an ah-ha moment with Tikki like “omg why did I give the guitar to Adrien? Why am I like this?” (Unfortunately it isn’t the development we’re hoping for though, as we find out very soon)

There are some quality Lukadrien moments as they both try to hide from Desperada and help Ladybug.

There’s a moment where Luka plays his guitar and both Ladybug and Adrien go all dreamy eyed, which I loved (Lukadrinette for the win) but my salty ass kinda wanted Adrien to see Ladybug getting goo-goo eyed over someone else and get jealous. Lmao

Anyways, so Lucky Charm gives her a gong and we all know that means it’s time for a new miraculous holder. Yay! Of course it’s obvious now this is Viperion’s episode but there’s a moment of confusion (and an epic face palm) when Marinette is all “I know the perfect person for the job! 🥁 Adrien!”

Seriously? Wtf.

Upon hearing that Ladybug wants to give the miraculous to Adrien, Chat Noir distracts Ladybug long enough to destransform so he can accept it.

Also see here how he pushes Luka back into the locker like “why don’t you just stay here 😉” so she won’t think to give it to him instead, when she can’t immediately find Adrien.

So Adrien and Plagg debate (read: Plagg tries to talk some sense into his idiot holder who completely ignores him cuz “omg ladybug needs me!” Um, yeah dipshit, she needs you to be Chat Noir) and for a hot minute I think we’re gonna get Snake Noir. But, Adrien wants Ladybug to fall in love with him as ‘himself’ 🤦🏻‍♀️ So never mind.

Also for a hot minute I think Adrien is going to actually do the right thing and refuse, but of course not, because this is ML...

Side note: Adrien’s acting when he opens the box and pretends to be surprised to see a kwami is on point.

Side side note: I don’t know what I expected Sass’s transformation phrase to be, but it def wasn’t “scales slither” 😒 and also, his transformation sequence is terrible and that costume is a travesty. (His end pose also kinda reminds of the gif of the guy from Road to El Dorado aggressively playing the mandolin😂)

Anyway, so for basically the first time ever, we actually see Ladybug explaining the miraculous rules and powers to the new holder. Adrien tells a corny joke and basically acts just like Chat, to which Ladybug giggles

Again I think Adrien is about to do the right thing when Ladybug basically tells him to his face that Chat Noir is an unnecesary part of the team; so, naturally, he doesn’t.

Basically both of these kids act like selfish little shits so they can spend time together. For once I’m actually very proud of Plagg for calling Adrien out. “You’re supposed to be saving Paris, not flirting!”

What happens next is a montage of Adrien epically failing to save Ladybug with the Second Chance (do I sense a metaphor here? Is this foreshadowing? Ha! As if). He finally gives up the miraculous and good lord, thank you!

Then we find out he failed over 25k times before he finally made the right call...

So Luka shows up and of course it’s Adrien who is all “Luka should have the miraculous” not Ladybug (because she can’t actually chose Luka herself for anything) And of course Luka just stands there while she kisses Adrien and thanks him for his help, blatantly letting Luka know he was the second choice (def a metaphor). *sigh*

Luka’s transformation of course is hella dope. I really wanted Ladybug to have an “oh no. He’s hot” moment, cuz let’s be real...

Also, why is Ladybug suddenly completely cool with civilians knowing the identity of a miraculous holder???

We’re now over 17 minutes into the episode, nearly the end, and I’m just now realizing that the episode where Luka is introduced as Viperion, isn’t even about him.

Luka then, after a couple of tries, actually is the one to figure out how to win, proving he was the right pick for the snake from the get go. He plays the damn Lyre, because of course he does, and they use Ladybug’s second Lucky Charm (a saddle btw. What the actual hell. This is some more weird, 50 shades type shit (see Reverser)) to defeat the akuma.

Back on the boat, Jagged again apologizes for being a diva and instead of getting some resolution to the Lukanette mistreatment at the beginning of the episode, we get Kagami once again being all “better step up Marinette before I steal your man” which is just the cherry on the cake really

Other notes:

- in my opinion, this entire episode was essentially Adrien/Ladrien fan service

- as another poster astutely pointed out: Adrien acted basically exactly the same while Aspik as he does when Chat Noir, essentially blowing up Tom’s whole theory about Chat being the “real” Adrien

-Master Fu: this miraculous should be given to someone who won’t abuse it

Ladybug: gives it to Adrien- who proceeds to abuse it

- all I think we learned from this episode, is that both Adrien and Marinette need to get over their obsessions with Ladybug/Adrien because it severely impedes their ability to make rational, sensible, non-selfish decisions.

Also, that knowing each other’s identities really isn’t a good idea. Yeah I hear you, “what about Oblivio?” In Oblivio, they literally knew nothing about each other, other than they cared about each other and they worked well together. There was no ‘hero worship’ ‘he/she’s so perfect’ mentality to get in the way, just good old fashioned trust. So does knowing who the other is actually work for them?

Ha! I’ve been dying for a good opportunity to use that set

I don’t think I’ve said it before on here, but def in my comments on my fic I Wanna Be Bad: I loved Adrien when this show started. Of the cast of characters, he def had the most potential. Lately though I’ve kinda given up on him.

He’s had zero growth. In fact, some times I think he’s actually gone backwards, especially as Chat Noir. He’s become increasingly petulant and childish and hasn’t learned a damn thing about respecting Ladybug’s boundaries or how to take being a hero seriously. It’s honestly killing the love square for me.

The writing on this show in general has become atrocious. For instance, this episode (according to reported production order) takes place after Silencer. Meaning Mari sat there and listened to Luka confess to her twice, and then goes and says he’s “just a friend” (yes, literally. She pulled an Adrien) and continues to humiliate herself for a guy who’s openly shown an interest in another girl.

It’s so painful to watch. Just as it’s painful to see Chat continually rip his heart out for LB even when she keeps turning him down.

Enough is enough already. We get it. Let them move on. Just because they date other people, doesn’t mean they won’t still end up together. That’s called reality.

[mst3kproject]

1110: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom

I only saw this episode once, while I was on my two-day binge back when season eleven first debuted – and by then I was kind of running out of binge-watching oomph, because I don’t think I paid much attention to it.  If I had, I wouldn’t have been so blindsided by shit like the mermaid and her rainbow bridge or the flying lion-centaur whatchamafuckit.  Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is depressingly cheap and desperately amateurish, but it's also unbelievably fucking weird.

There’s a great evil abroad in the land or something.  The Castle(TM) is Attacked and the resident Bearded Wizard(TM) gives his son the Callow Youth(TM) a Magical Ring(TM) to keep safe – but of course the stupid kid drops it on the way out.  After gathering a few allies, slaying a few monsters, and dabbling in casual necromancy, the boy sneaks back into the castle to retrieve the ring and do wizardly battle with the bad guy.  The day is saved, the princess is rescued, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  The music attempts to convince us that this is epic and exciting, rather than corny and embarrassing.

I have rarely felt as bad for a group of actors as I did watching Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.  I kept wanting to hide behind the couch so I wouldn’t have to look at the expressions on their faces as they humiliate themselves by being in this movie.  Even Crabby the Crab Hat doesn’t want to be here.  The whole thing looks like a third grade class put on a play starring everybody’s parents.  The only person who gets out with any shred of dignity is whatever poor bastard was hiding under the Gulfax suit… oh, no, wait, no he didn’t, because according to IMDB the same actor also played Dad the Wizard.

Let’s look at our characters.  There’s our hero Simon, who is about thirteen and seems to be familiar with the concept of a quest but would probably much rather be reading a book somewhere.  His buddy is Gulfax, a dude who paid way too much for his alpaca fursuit.  Kor the Conquerer is supposed to be a troubled alcoholic mercenary, but he really does look like Gordon Ramsay except not as badass. The wicked queen dresses like she’s trying to look sexy for the Swamp Thing.  Princess Aura acts like your nine-year-old sister parading around in one of those Disney Princess gowns.  The bad guy is less impressive than his own fashion accessories and can disintegrate people except when it would be inconvenient for the plot.  Simon can disintegrate people, too, but saves it for non-humans despite the fact that they’re shown to be sentient.

Then there’s what all these people actually do. Despite a much more kid-friendly tone, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is a lot like Ator: the Fighting Eagle.  Both movies present us with characters who are supposedly on a heroic quest, but all we see is them wandering around the woods while random things happen. When I tried to describe this film to a co-worker, I realized I could talk about the various incidents in whatever order I liked, because none of them really contribute to the plot or even connect to each other.

Take, for example, the bit where Kor is captured by the cyclops who wants him to marry his sister (the cyclops’ sister, that is.  Wizards of the Lost Kingdom isn’t that much like Ator).  It comes and it goes, and that’s it.  Kor had earlier said he didn’t know who this mysterious bucket-helmeted figure was, and Simon pouts a bit because that was a lie. It really, really doesn’t feel like the major betrayal the script wants us to think it was.  It comes across as the cyclops’ sister being an embarrassing ex-girlfriend Kor just didn’t want to talk about, and he and Simon argue for thirty seconds and then hug and make up, completely negating whatever small emotional impact the whole thing might have had.

Or how about the part where Simon straight-up raises the dead? In most fantasy settings that would be considered a turn down a dark path, with far-reaching consequences for both the plot and the character development.  In Wizards of the Lost Kingdom the corpses get up and basically tell Simon to get fucked because they want to rest, and then crawl back into their graves.  This is a world where black magic exists and can claim your soul, but apparently necromancy isn’t in that category.  All that happens is Kor tells Simon to respect the dead more.

What about the bit where Simon realizes the bad guy and his Crab Hat are spying on them through a magical birdbath?  The kid casts a spell that makes the water explode in the evil dude’s face so he can’t see them anymore, but this has no plot consequences because a scene or two later the bad guy has simply re-filled the birdbath and is watching them again.  Why did we even need to see that?  Why did we need the bit with the little gnome dude who enables Kor’s alcoholism? The drinking is never a plot point because this is a kids’ movie (unless marrying the cyclops’ sister was something Kor promised to do while drunk), and the gnome promises to re-join them for the climax but when he does he just watches.

How about the part where Kor tries to save a drowning topless blonde woman in the weirdly orange river (this is the only place where I can definitely identify a shot MST3K cut, since we got one very brief look at her tits)? She vanishes only to reappear on a rock with one of those mermaid tail blankets over her legs, telling them she was testing their manhood to see if they were worthy of her help!  They were, so she creates a rainbow for them and tells them to follow their hearts across the river!

Uh.  Okay. So I can see how Kor was worthy, since he jumped in and all, but Simon stood on the shore yelling at him to stop because it’s too dangerous.  Shouldn’t his unmanly ass get left behind?

Unquestionably, however, the weirdest thing in the movie is the fucked-up trippy vision Simon has while bug-woman plies him with drink and flower petals.  This scene fascinates me.  So there’s a bunch of Satanists sacrificing women on a spray-foam altar, while a voice tries to tempt Simon to the dark side.  In response, he summons up the ‘forces of good’ to deal with the situation, and they appear in the form of this stop-motion… chimera… thing. Imagine a lion centaur, only both the horse part and the human part are lions, so it’s like a six-legged, two-torsoed leonine centipede abomination, but instead of arms on the upper set of shoulders it has weird veiny bat wings.  It hovers there snarling while the Satanists complete their sacrifice, which summons a giant floating semi-transparent head in some scaly makeup.  The head makes faces and breathes green fire, until the lion thing glares cartoon lightning at it and it explodes.

What the actual unmotivated fuck. What even was that? I want to say it’s demonstrating that Simon is pure of heart and can’t be tempted to evil but like ten minutes later he’s raising the fucking dead.  What the hell is with the lion monster?  Is it a metaphor for something?  Is it saying that the forces of good can be just as terrifying as those of evil, like how if you read descriptions of angels they actually look like beasts from your nightmares?  Was it actually supposed to be pretty and the model-makers just weren’t up to the task? What am I looking at?

Did anybody actually realize how weird this all was?  One does get the impression that the writers were just scribbling down whatever bullshit came into their heads without regard for continuity or anything.  Can we have a mermaid in our movie?  Sure, why the hell not.  Zombies? Awesome, everybody loves zombies, throw ‘em in there.  A garden gnome?  A goat-man playing the pan flute?  A jilted cyclops with a spiral perm?  Absolutely, the more, the merrier!  Concepts!

And yet for all that, the single worst failure of writing in Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is the anticlimax of the ending.  Through the whole movie everybody’s been looking for the Ring of Magic, which makes the wearer all-powerful.  One of the wicked queen’s dwarves (played by actual little people who should all have been paid double for being in the same movie where the queen says we’re running out of dwarves) finds it, but Simon snatches it back a moment later and goes out and saves the day.  Of course he does – he’s all-powerful.  It’s a foregone conclusion.  The only tension comes from wondering how many of those kids who were freed from prison are gonna get swords in the gut while Simon worries about making pretty special effects in his wizard’s duel.

One last bit of illogical crap.  After the battle, Kor wanders off to go back to his ‘itinerant boozehound’ gig, and tells Simon to be a good king.  Uh… Simon’s not gonna be king.  The rightful heir is Princess Aura, who’s literally right there.  Simon can marry her and be royal consort if she still likes him once they’ve both been through puberty.  Is there a law in this kingdom that if you save the day you get to be in charge?  That does seem to be where the last guy got his throne… and yet I have a faint suspicion that the writers just assumed Simon would rule instead of Aura because he’s got a penis and she doesn’t.

All that may have given the impression that I hate this movie but I really don’t.  Wizards of the Lost Kingdom just isn’t worth the effort.  Instead I just pity this movie and everybody in it.  Every last one of them did a terrible job, and yet they still all deserved better.  On every possible level, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is truly less than the sum of its parts.

[theswordofpens]

11/11/11 #13

I was tagged by the superb and awesome @dczwrites (who you all should definitely check out) to do this, so let's get right to it!

1.) Out of all your OCs (present and past), which one do you connect with the most? The least?

I have to go with Adam on this one. He's my first OC I've ever had, and I've stuck with him ever since childhood when I was rewriting his story again and again. I connect with him the most, I suppose. For the least, on the other hand? I don't know about this one, because I feel like I connect to all of my characters in one form or another. I guess I could say Rachel simply because her and I are two very different people.

2.) Do you tend to research the origins of your characters' names?

I do, but it's not as important to me. You know, a name is just a name until you put a face on it. Once a name has a face, then it becomes an identity. It's up to the writer to decide whether or not that identity will have a lasting affect on their audience.

3.) What inspired you to start writing your WIP?

Well, I had an idea of which direction to take and where I wanted my stories to go. Naturally, Blood Tournaments - Requiem is the sequel of my first novel, Blood Tournaments.

4.) Favorite story you have ever written?

I've only written one so far, so 😅 Actually, how I'd like to answer this is with which story I'm excited to write! I'm very excited to write Adventires of A Space Cop mainly due to the facts that A.) Rachel is my first LGBTQIA+ character and B.) It's largely set in space, so I can play with it a lot. I'd really love for it to be as memorable as some other famous space stories, like Cowboy Bebop, Mobile Suit Gundam, Space Dandy, Ender's Game, etc.

5.) What sort of advice have you learned  from your favorite authors and their books? Any observations that help you writing?

I'm not sure I've heard an author say this (I'm sure they've probably said some form of this sentiment) but some that've always stuck with me is, "No matter the story, never be afraid to write what you want to write," "Write as if you're taking to your audience, as if the two of you were in a cafe chatting like old friends," and my personal favorite, "Don't let your fear stop you from success, but don't let it stop you from failure, either."

6.) Do you write pieces of yourself or with your own people you know into your OCs?

I'd like to think we all do in a sense. A lot of us see some part of ourselves in the characters we write because maybe we fee that's one of our best qualities or maybe that's a trait we wish to see more of or anything else under the sun. Maybe it's not a clone of who you are, but there's always some seed of you in your characters.

7.) Pick 3 of your OCs and sort them into Hogwarts houses (not a question, just curious haha)

Ha ha well for this one, I'll pick Alayla (from my WIP The Fables of Gion), Rachel (from the WIP Adventures of A Space Cop), and The Guardian (from my stand-alone novel WIP The Secrets of The Guardian). For her courage, Alayla easily fits into Gryffindor. It's almost like the house was made for her. As for Rachel, she slides into the house of Slytherin simply because of her cunning and sassiness. For The Guardian, she fits into the house of Ravenclaw for her dedication to studying and the endless hours or practicing new spells and mastering all of them.

8.) Do you prefer writing stories that center around a small group of characters, larger group?

Well, Blood Tournaments was centered around a fairly large group of individuals (about 12 people at the climax of the story) so for this book yes. However, my other WIPs are more small group focused, getting no larger than five or six people at a time.

9.) Do you prefer to write the protagonist or an antagonist? Or both? Or neither LOL?

Okay, I'm gonna give you the truth. I'm a sucker for heroes. Is it corny? Hell yes it is. Does it make me look like a cliche? Hell yes it does. Do I care what others think of me? Hell no I don't! (Ahem) All of my stories are written in the view point of the protagonist because we've got enough villains in our lives as it is. We don't more people like that, and we should definitely consider thinking about our possible unhealthy obsession with villians. I don't know, maybe I'm just old fashioned.

10.) What is one piece of advice you follow when writing?

"Sit down when you're writing, there's a lot going on in your head."

11.) Do you place more emphasis on plot or characters?

This one's an interesting dilemma. I think most - if not all - writers should weave their characters and their plot together, making them inseparable with one always advancing the other. Plots should make the characters grow and change throughout their stories, and characters should complete the plot of a story in a fulfilling and satisfying way. At least, that's how I write lol.

Thanks again for tagging me in this! Truly, it's an honor! Please tag me again anytime!

[douxreviews]

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) Review

"This isn't freedom, this is fear."

I’ve been looking forward to this more than any other Marvel movie. Yes, that includes The Avengers.

The Winter Soldier arc is one of my absolute favourite comic book storylines of all time. After Captain America: The First Avenger came out I hoped and prayed that the producers would be smart and adapt this storyline for the sequel. When it was finally announced that the sequel would indeed take inspiration from Ed Brubaker and Steve Epting’s original story (a Cold War spy thriller masquerading as a superhero adventure) my excitement soon gave way to concern. That story is just so good it would be impossible for this film to live up to my ridiculously high expectations.

I was wrong.

I bloody loved this film. I will even go so far as to say that it is my favourite Marvel movie to date. I enjoyed it more than The Avengers and you all know how much I loved The Avengers. The Winter Soldier has everything you could possibly want from a summer blockbuster - a smart script that actually makes you think (this is the most topical movie Marvel have ever made), strong characters you care about and action scenes that leave you breathless. Admittedly, many of the film's twists and turns aren't that shocking. I’d already guessed most of them after the first trailer came out. It is testament to how good this film is that this isn't really an issue.

Taking a leaf out of James Cameron’s book, this sequel switches genres from WWII adventure flick to conspiracy thriller. While the studio has tried to sell this as a multimillion dollar tribute to conspiracy films from the '70s like The Parallax View and Three Days of the Condor, The Winter Soldier feels more like a greatest hits package for the entire espionage genre. The Winter Soldier's story is right out of The Manchurian Candidate. The Washington setting recalls All the President’s Men and any number of Tom Clancy novels. And there is something very Person of Interest about the villain's scheme.

Directors Joe and Anthony Russo proved that they could produce great action scenes with Community’s minuscule budget, so it comes as no surprise that when handed a truck full of cash they knocked it out of the park. The Winter Soldier has some of the best actions scenes yet seen in a Marvel. With the exception of the grand finale (which is still ace), the brothers keep the action grounded, eschewing CGI in favour of good old fashioned practical effects and stunt work. Standouts include Cap’s brutal tussle in a packed elevator and Nick Fury being chased through the streets of Washington in his battered S.H.I.E.L.D. SUV.

Chris Evans continues to impress in the lead role, easily finding the lonely soul within the human flag as he struggles to find his place in the morally murky world of post-Watergate, post-9/11 America. In another’s hands, this character could easily be insufferably corny, but in Evan’s he is like a sad little puppy. You just want to hug him. One of the great things about Steve as a character is that he is a genuine team player. He's not one to hog the limelight. This allows the supporting cast more room to shine, particularly Anthony Mackie’s Sam Wilson. Emily VanCamp was the only one who felt underused, but I imagine she'll have an expanded role in Captain America 3.

The standout performance, however, comes from Scarlett Johansson. It’s nice to see all the great work done on her character by Joss Whedon isn't going to waste. This film is as much Natasha’s story as it is Steve’s. She is here as his partner and equal, not his sidekick (that role goes to Falcon). And it is a relief that the film doesn't try to force a romance between the two of them (Natasha spends most of the film trying to set Steve up with others). There are one or two tender moments, but they work more to strengthen the growing friendship between these troubled souls, who are just trying to find their place in this world. The film on the whole is surprisingly romance free, a first for a solo Marvel.

The film benefits from a pair of effective antagonists, an area where recent superhero films have struggled. I’ve seen others complain that the Winter Soldier himself lacks personality. That is the whole point. The Winter Soldier is not meant to be scheming mastermind like Lex Luthor, a charming trickster like Loki or a colourful anarchist like the Joker. He is the Terminator, a relentless, unstoppable force to reckoned with. He is someone who has had every trace of their individuality stripped away, leaving behind nothing but a ruthless killing machine. Elsewhere, Robert Redford - who would’ve made for an ideal Steve Rogers in his youth - puts that twinkly eyed charm to sinister use as S.H.I.E.L.D. boss Alexander Pierce.

Iron Man 3 and Thor: The Dark World dealt with the fallout from The Avengers and how the events of that film affect the respective heroes. The Winter Soldier is all about setting the stage for what comes next. Not just Avengers: Age of Ultron, but for the entire Marvel cinematic universe as a whole, including the likes of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the potential Peggy Carter series that is in the pipeline. The events of this film are going to have widespread repercussions for all our heroes.

Stars and Stripes

— One cameo was, to put it in words only a select few will understand, very cool cool cool.

— Steve’s list of things to catch up on changes depending on which country you see the film in. Here’s the American version:

And here is the British one:

— I'm not afraid to admit that Steve's brief reunion with the elderly Peggy Carter had me in tears.

— Done being in every TV show made in the last ten years, Alan Dale has obviously now moved on to showing up in all the film franchises. I expect to see him in the next Star Wars film.

— As with all Marvel movies, you shouldn’t leave once the credits start to roll. The mid-credits scene was directed by Joss Whedon and acts as a mini prequel for Age of Ultron.

— A certain sorcerer supreme was mentioned at one point. Does that mean a solo movie isn't too far off? Can't we have a Black Widow movie first?

Natasha: "You do anything fun Saturday night?" Steve: "Well, all the guys in my barbershop quartet are dead. So no, not really."

Sam: "You're a lot heavier than you look." Steve: "I had a big breakfast."

Natasha: "Hey fellas, either of one of you know where the Smithsonian is? I'm here to pick up a fossil." Steven: "That's hilarious."

Four out of four Vibranium shields.

Mark Greig has been writing for Doux Reviews since 2011

[k9ofchaos]

K9′s Ramblings #14: Sonic Rivalries

Here in this installment of K9′s Ramblings, I’m gonna set up a cross continuity list of important rivalries within the Sonic franchise. Now let me lay down the law a bit here. The criteria for this list is rivalries that either already exist or should exist based on how anime they would be, spinoff potential and other factors I haven’t thought about yet. With that out of the way, let’s get started:

Sonic the Hedgehog:

Shadow the Hedgehog: The Arch-Rival of Sonic himself. A rivalry which is super anime.

Knuckles the Echidna: The OG rival to Sonic before Shadow, Silver and everyone else came along. Nowadays is just a friendly rival to Sanic, which is a natural progression for both their character arcs.

Silver the Hedgehog: Another friendly rival to Sonic who started out as a more antagonistic rivalry due to circumstances out of each party’s control. Considering how Silver, Sonic and Shadow are often labeled as the “Triple S Trio”, I could argue that Silver would either be a great secondary arch rival to Sonic or co-arch-rivals with Shadow to Sonic. I’d definitely like to see him and Sonic act more playfully cocky towards each other, especially in the IDW comics.

Jet the Hawk: Sonic’s primary extreme gear rival, and nothing else to be honest. 

Metal Sonic: This rivalry is more on the antagonistic side than the intense (Shadow) or friendly (Knuckles) side. But I guess this is what happens when a boss battle is so iconic that the character transcends boss-hood.

Johnny: I don’t see much in this rivalry to be honest. It was only around during the Sonic Rush games and I just view Johnny as a glorified second-in-command pirate to Captain Whisker.

Antoine D’Coolette: He (at least his Pre-SGW counterpart) was listed as one of Sonic’s rivals (especially when it came towards winning Sally’s affection) in the Sonic Wiki, so if the Freedom Fighters ever come back to the comics (or hell, maybe even make their own game debuts), I would like their rivalry to be explored more. I could see Twan himself working well with sword play mechanics similar to the ones from Sonic and the Black Knight.

Ash Mongoose: Not so much of a rival but more of a guy jealous against his girlfriend’s former boyfriend. Just adding him here for the sake of completion.

Monkey Khan: Similar to Ash, except these two have actually fought in combat before from what I can tell. If they ever resumed making Sonic Storybook games, he’d be fitting for the role of Sun Wukong in a Journey to the West adaptation. Or a game covering all four of the great classical novels of Chinese literature for that matter.

Geoffrey St. John: Similar to both Khan and Ash in that while I see his squabbles with Sonic over the love of Sally as more petty than anything else, at least I could see him hold up in a fight with Sonic unlike Ash.

Scourge the Hedgehog: Ah yes, the green evil clone of Sonic himself. I kinda like this jackass enough to feel a bit sad that he got purged during the Pendering. Hopefully Penders loses the copyrights/trademarks to what were essential his glorified Donut Steels and is forced to give them back to Sega.

Bean the Dynamite: I honestly have no idea why Bean is considered enough of a rival to Sonic to be included the rivals section of in his Pre-SGW Archie article.

Sam Speed: This rivalry is exclusive to the confines of the Sonic X continuity and is only listed here for completion’s sake. Couldn’t stand this guy’s ego. If the only way you can go fast is through a race car and a Hedgehog speedster can break the sound barrier, then you are already outclassed.

Swifty the Shrew: Just like the guy mentioned above, this rivalry is exclusive to the confines of the Sonic Boom continuity. I honestly cringed while watching the episode because his dialogue was so corny they sounded like an old man executive’s idea of a cool guy. But I’m pretty sure that was what they were going for as a joke. But still. *shivers*

Mighty the Armadillo: I wouldn’t mind or be surprised if Mighty and Sonic had a friendly rivalry going on. Hell, in one of the comics I have, Mighty was teasing Sonic over his big ego. So it’s not like such a development wouldn’t come out of nowhere.

Fang the Sniper: Out of all of what I like to call the “forgotten furries”, I see Fang (along with Mighty) as the strongest contenders to be rivals of Sonic. Though I’m not sure if Fang should remain a villain or be turned into a super reluctant anti-hero. Perhaps Bark could be the moral conscience of Team Hooligan that would ultimately convince Fang to do good deeds if the circumstances are dire enough. (Like if some ancient evil is planning to wipe out all of existance or something.) Bean would go along with whatever because he’s a true wildcard, he doesn’t care much about normalcy whatsoever.

Shadow the Hedgehog:

Sonic the Hedgehog: Not much to say that was already said in Sonic’s section.

Silver the Hedgehog: If there were to ever be an anime style training montage, I could see Shadow giving pointers to Silver (and Sonic as well) how to better harness Chaos Control as a contingency plan against whatever threat they’d be going up against during that particular story arc, be it game, comic, cartoon or whatever medium it’s taking place in.

Jet the Hawk: I’m honestly surprised Jet was listed as one of Shadow’s rivals in the first place. Must’ve been related to the plot of Sonic Free Riders or something.

Knuckles the Echidna: I really liked how their rivalry was depicted in the Post-SGW Archie Comics. But remember that thing I mentioned in the Shadow-Silver rivalry section? Well for that particular training session, I can see Knuckles and Shadow as sparring partners in that regard in order to strengthen each other’s innate Chaos related powers. While Shadow would focus on general chaos emerald usage by fine tuning his Chaos Spears and Chaos Blasts, Knuckles would focus more on strengthening his connection to the Master Emerald. Which I assume would give him the ability to manipulate green Master Emerald energy like in that fight he had with Doctor Finitevus or his All-Star Move from Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing Transformed.

Eclipse the Darkling: Shadow’s primary antagonist/rival hybrid from the comics. I see Eclipse as the Metal Sonic to Shadow’s Sonic. Plus if Shadow gets his own comic book (or game) spinoff from IDW (or Sega), he would make a great addition to Shadow’s rogues gallery (a subject I will touch upon in a future “K9′s Ramblings” entry.)

Fang the Sniper: Headfanon time! Honestly, I could see Fang and Shadow hanging out at their local shooting range arguing over whether the pistol (Shadow’s preference) or the revolver (Fang’s preference) are the best handguns like the firearms nerds they truly are. This rivalry was inspired by this piece of fanart ( https://www.deviantart.com/tigerfog/art/SegaSonic-Sunset-Showdown-112185195 ) of the two having a good old-fashioned Mexican Standoff.

Geoffrey St. John: Honestly, I could see a rivalry between Shads and Geoff working better than the one Geoff had with Sonic. Especially since ones a government agent working for the Kingdom of Acorn while the other works for the G.U.N. organization (which is very S.H.I.E.L.D. like now that I think about it). A case of democracy versus monarchy if you will.

Silver the Hedgehog:

Sonic the Hedgehog: I’d like to see Silver act more cocky towards Sonic, but in a good teasing way. Plus, I could see these two pulling off a “fastball special” very well.

Shadow the Hedgehog: You know what, maybe Silver would make a great sparring partner with Shadow as well. Since they could practice their own special abilities (Psychokinesis and Chaos Powers) towards each other. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a one-sided deal of Shadow teaching Silver (and Sonic by extension) how to not fuck up the basics of Chaos Control.

Knuckles the Echidna: Can’t think of a clever way to distinguish the Silver-Knuckles rivalry section from the other Triple S entries on Knuckles. I guess Hedgehog/Echidna rivalries go as deep as their Saiyan/Namekian counterparts?

Rouge the Bat: I’m pretty sure she was listed in Silver’s rivals section of the wiki article because of the Sonic Rivals game. But whatever.

Miles “Tails” Prower: Same deal as Rouge above.

Metal Sonic: This one’s kinda more believable considering how headstrong Metal can be with basically anyone he encounters.

Espio the Chameleon: I know they’re good friends and all, but I could see them as friendly rivals towards each other.

Blaze the Cat: During that training session for that hypothetical apocalyptic encounter with a powerful enemy, Blaze would be Silver’s primary sparring partner as a way for both of them to unlock the potential of their latent kinetic abilities. *cough cough cue silvaze moment cough cough*

Knuckles the Echidna:

Rouge the Bat: Knux’s primary rival since the Sonic Adventure 2 days. Though it’s gotten friendlier as the years progressed nowadays. If Knuckles were to ever get a treasure hunting spinoff, I could see their rivalry get more intense in that regard.

Sonic the Hedgehog: Pretty much covered in Sonic’s section.

Emerl the Gizoid: Don’t know much about Sonic Battle’s story, but I’m guessing that the events in that game made them rivals when it came to conflicting goals.

Storm the Albatross: Just like Sonic and Jet, this is Knux’s primary extreme gear rival, other than that, not much going for this rivalry. 

Silver the Hedgehog: I could see Knux and Silver as being secondary sparring partners towards each other. Perhaps they could have a similar relationship to the one depicted in this Sasso Studios ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu28DwBwSDk ) video.

Shadow the Hedgehog: One thing I will say that I didn’t say in the other sections is that their rivalry works on so many levels since both of them are headstrong assholes whose stubborn attitudes can lead to conflict if their goals are conflicted and/or inconvenienced in anyway shape or form. 

Thrash the Tasmanian Devil: Knuckles’s primary antagonist/rival double whammy whose origins lie strictly within the comics. Like I mentioned before, hopefully Sega wins back the rights to all the characters Penders created like how Hasbro won the rights to Shockwave’s name back after that period where he was referred to as “Shockblast” during the Energon show.

Fang the Sniper: Again, if Knuckles got his own treasure hunting spinoff, I could see Fang having a rivalry with both Knux and Rouge over who gets the berried treasure. In terms of occupations, Knux is a Guardian of the Master Emerald, Rouge is a Spy/Thief and Fang is a Bounty Hunter/Mercenary.

Miles “Tails” Prower:

Wave the Swallow: As with Sonic and Knuckles, she is Tails’s primary extreme gear rival and nothing much more.

Doctor Eggman: While the Eggmeister himself may be Sonic’s arch-nemesis, he and Tails are definitely worthy opponents to each other when it comes to being men of science.

Battle Kukku XVI a.k.a. “Speedy”: I would say that Speedy is to Tails what Metal Sonic is to Sonic. In that both of them are minions to a prominent member of their respective rogues galleries. (Something that I will dedicate another “K9′s Ramblings” to sometime in the near future.)

Amy Rose:

Rouge the Bat: Going by the wiki, they really don’t get along well, at all.

The Babylon Rogues (Jet, Wave, Storm): Whoa, I guess Amy really hates these birds as a collective. I wouldn’t blame her, considering how much of a smarmy douche Jet tends to be.

Sally Acorn: I said in the previous post that I like both Sonamy and Sonally, so let me be clear that I think their rivalry would be friendly and on good terms. Okay? Okay. Moving on.

Rouge the Bat:

Knuckles the Echidna: Not much to say that hasn’t already been said in the Knuckles section, that’s for sure.

Miles “Tails” Prower: Well, she did teasingly kiss Tails in the Sonic X adaptation of Sonic Battle, so I could see it working in that regard.

Wave the Swallow:

Amy Rose: Same as in Amy’s section, these two don’t get along very much. 

Vector the Crocodile: I was not aware the Vex and Rouge had a rivalry going on until after browsing the wiki a bit. So here it goes.

Blaze the Cat:

Amy Rose: I see them as friendly rivals. Mainly because I was inspired by this image ( https://www.deviantart.com/mitzy-chan/art/Keijo-Amy-vs-Blaze-667017201 ) by Mitzy-Chan/Blue Chika parodying the Keijo anime/manga series.

Silver the Hedgehog: I can see these two being friendly rivals of sorts. Especially if they’re the kind to tease each other about it. Plus they’d also probably be the types to do some sparring matches as a form of training.

Shadow the Hedgehog: I can see Shadz respecting Blaze’s power/fighting ability and vice versa. Both of them are the serious types after all.

Sonic the Hedgehog: The wiki does list them as “partners in combat”, so there’s that. Plus the Blaze vs Sonic boss battle is super duper anime as hell. It was like a boost/spin dash beam struggle.

Bunnie Rabbot: Honestly, I only put her here because of this shitpost image I saw one time where Blaze got jealous of Bunnie’s... *ahem*... “assets”, if you know what I mean. 

Vector the Crocodile (and the Chaotix Detective Agency in general, but mostly Vex):

Rouge the Bat: If the Chaotix got their own Phoenix Wright style detective crime drama visual novel, then I could see Rouge being adversaries towards them when it comes to breaking the law by stealing jewels.

The Babylon Rogues (Jet, Wave, Storm): I’m guessing this was from the time when Vex filled in for Big on Team Rose during the events of Sonic Free Riders. 

Shade the Echidna: Since she may or may not be based on Julie-Su, I figured I put her as a rival to Vector as a nod to that trivia piece. Plus I was kinda inspired by this fanart pic ( https://www.deviantart.com/knockabiller/art/Throwing-Shade-681549963 ) of them interacting. And look, they’re even doing a fastball special in that piece.

Team Hooligans (Fang, Bean, Bark): Just like with Rouge, if the Chaotix got their own detective spinoff games, then the Hooligans would definitely be adversaries to them. Whether they’d be criminals on the run or gruff bounty hunters working with the law is (somewhat) up for debate.

XXXX-XXXX-XXXX

That about covers it for now. Next time I’ll be covering potential rogues galleries for IDW Sonic spinoffs if they ever decide to go down that road. But until then, take care now.

[ifbrd]

My Wander Over Yonder OC

Okay, so this is Ursa (obviously the name came from Ursa Major and Ursa Minor) These are really old pictures I have of her, like when I first thought her up which was way back when season 1 was still airing. Now that we have two full seasons, and I’ve rewatched most episodes, I’m considering changes to her so she’s not fully fleshed out as a character yet but uh, anyway.

Wander and Sylvia found her abandoned by her biological parents when she was no more than a month old. At first, they tried to find her home, but when they couldn’t seem to find her a home they just kinda kept her and raised her as there own daughter (I just wanna clarify that her presence is not meant to be a Sylander thing, I have nothing against the ship, on the contrary, I think Sylander is an adorable ship, but personally I’ve always been more of a fan of their platonic relationship, and I thought platonic parents was a cool idea. So again, nothing against Sylander, but that’s not what I was getting at with creating Ursa. Moving on) And how exactly they came upon her is one of the things I’m still on the fence about. Originally, I had a story written up where Wander woke up in the middle of the night and saw a person setting down a picnic basket, and then ran off, and he ran after them to return it to them. When Sylvia caught up with him, and he explained what he saw, she told him it sounded like they meant to leave it there, and they were about to abandon the picnic basket when they heard a whine coming from it and they opened it and there was Ursa. The next day they traveled to a planet that was specifically dedicated to housing orphans, and they were gonna drop her off there, but when they got there they learned the planet’s inhabitants treated the kids poorly, and they decided to keep Ursa instead (and by “they” I really mean Wander.) Now that we have a season two though and are patiently awaiting Disney to come to their senses and green light a season 3, I’ve kinda been using her as a way to get me through the lack of season 3, so I started to consider what if instead Wander and Sylvia found her while trying to return everyone to their recovering homes after The End of the Galaxy. Like they find her and assume someone accidentally left her behind and try to return her, but they have no idea what species she even is (more on that in a minute) so instead they see if they can get someone to adopt her, but no one is really willing to take a child, or another child, after there home has just been destroyed and they’re trying to pick up the pieces and start over. And by this point, both Wander and Sylvia, but especially Wander, has become very attached to Ursa, and they know even if they were to find someone who could and would take her in, it would be nearly impossible on an emotional level to give her up, and they end up keeping her. I like both ideas, so I’m not sure, but I will say my second idea seems more plausible simply because of the emotional attachment things, whereas the first they haven’t even had her a day and basically go “welp, I guess we have a kid now!”

Her design was based on what I imagined Martians to look like when I was a kid. As you may have guessed from that sentence, she’s a Martian, but no one in the Wander Over Yonder universe knows that. I imagine the Milky Way galaxy is not anywhere near the one in the show, so they have probably never seen a Martian or a human and have no idea what they look like, hence they have no idea where to even return her too. Wander and Sylvia do suspect that Ursa’s kind was from another galaxy, but they don’t know this for a fact and they have no idea which one. The only clue they have is that with the picnic basket they found her in, a necklace that said “Ursa” was attached to it. Wander found that necklace and decided to name her that, and gave the necklace to her when she was five.

You can likely tell from the pictures above that she has green hair and red skin, but it’s a little harder to see she has lavender eyes. The ends of the antennas on her head have little toughs of hair on them, and as of recently, I thought it would be interesting if she grew retractable wings when she hit puberty, I’m picturing butterfly wings that match her eyes. She loves the color pink and wears it a lot (intentionally done to contrast Sylvia hating pink which was revealed in The Hero). Because I was obsessed with fashion when I first thought of her, she is very passionate about fashion and loves designing clothes. But for the life of her she can’t seem to learn how to sew, so Wander often ends up making the clothes she designs. She adores learning and reading and on her family’s travels, she always loves to visit museums and read about the locations before and after visiting. She is extremely curious about everything and will go to great lengths to find answers to questions she has. Partly because of this, she has a habit of walking off to go see something, and not telling her parents where she’s going or that she’s even walking away. This has been stressful for both Wander and Sylvia. Sylvia feels like she’s been chasing after Ursa from the day she learned to walk. When Ursa was a toddler, her wandering off would send Wander into an extreme panic, however, he lightened up about it as she got older, after all, she just wants to explore the universe like him! By the time she’s in her teens, Wander’s main rule is that she has to be within an earshot, any farther and she has to ask for permission (and Wander is pretty generous with what he classifies as an “earshot”). Sylvia doesn’t like this rule, she never lightened up about the problem like Wander did. From when she was about 9 or 10, Ursa started getting up early in the mornings to watch the sunrises, and soon after started looking around for the perfect place to watch. It drives Sylvia crazy to wake up every grop darn morning to see that Ursa isn’t at the campsite, and know that Ursa left the campsite before it was light out. Wander and Sylvia have many conversations about this problem throughout Ursa’s childhood. Unfortunately, because of the family constantly traveling, Ursa has struggled greatly to make friends. She has completely mastered small talk though.

She calls Sylvia “mama” inspired by how Sylvia referred to her mom as “ma” and she calls Wander “daddy” because I once pictured her as a toddler running up to him saying “daddy!” and it was too frickin cute. Wander is exactly what you’d expect him to be as a parent, he’s loving, encouraging, teaches her the importance of helping others and struggles to say no (but will if he has too, he’s learned that lesson before). He is usually the one she goes to when she has an emotional problem. When she was little he loved dressing her up in the cutest little dresses he could find. He also did her hair until she was about ten, and always put little bows in her hair. Even in her teen years, if it’s some sort of special occasion, Ursa will ask Wander to do her hair. Wander’s nickname for Ursa is “love-bug” (don’t know how I came up with that but it’s cute!) Sylvia is a great parent too of course, but she’s kind of awkward about it compared to Wander, especially when Ursa is younger. Sylvia struggles with the idea of herself being a mom. She never really pictured herself as ever being a parent, so it’s kinda intimidating to her. Somewhere I have a story started where Ursa is a baby and gets sick, and while Wander is off trying to figure out what medicine will make her feel better, Sylvia has to take care of her and it’s just very uncomfortable for her. But she ends up bonding with Ursa and by the end of the story, Ursa had said her first word, “mama.” (corny I know haha) Sylvia finds it a lot easier to connect with Ursa once she starts talking, Ursa is quite the conversationalist! Sylvia puts a great importance on teaching Ursa self-defense, (and makes extra sure to call it “self-defense” and not “fighting” when Wander is around because Wander won’t let his baby girl go out and pick fights! Power of love not hate!) Ursa usually goes to Sylvia if she feels unsafe. Sylvia will often call Ursa kiddo or sweetie.

Hmm, I feel like kinda rambled here, I’ve been struggling with what to say about her and how to organize it, so I’ll just end this with, if you have any questions or comments about her, let me know!

@jay-cryptid 

[spam-monster]

Interesting Things from the Steven Universe Art and Origins book:

- The Gems were originally going to be straight up magical girls that transformed and had separate civilian identities.

- Another early concept is that they were created by a “mother” to protect the humans, but “mother” decided to destroy humanity so the girls formed “the giant woman” to defeat “mother” and save humanity.

- an early pre-pilot episode idea involved “Baby the badass biker-guy who wants to be a magical girl”

- other pre-pilot episode ideas had Steven’s crush on “Priyanka” (most likely early Connie), Pearl having a crush on the Pizza Guy, and Sadie possessed by a necklace that turns her into a popular singer and Lars potentially saving her.

- Steven is the opposite of a man-child, he’s a child-man!

- Rebecca says “Dramatic things don’t only happen to cool, serious people. And life doesn’t stop being ridiculous when a tragedy occurs.”

- Some old mythos from the pilot pitch - crystal gems were from another universe, Rose “vanished like a phoenix when Steven inherited her gem”, Rose would visit Steven’s dreams and give him advice and when he woke up roses would be growing around his body “which he finds very embarassing”

- the design of the human characters evolved from “food-centric” brainstorming. (i’m going to guess that being familiar with Akira Toriyama’s work might have helped with that)

- Rebecca in the pitch described the star symbol for the show as “They can look poppy and fun, but also ancient and magical.” and “It’s positive! It’s beautiful! It’s patriotic! It’s America!”

- Their goal was “doing Disney, seventies anime, and Hannah Barbera - all in the same art style”

- The crew enjoys using cartoons to talk about real world concepts because “People let their guard down when they watch cartoons.”

- The early Homeworld Gem concepts for “Cheeseburger Backpack” are extravagant and outlandish in a really gorgeous way, like a bunch of runway fashion models, They also played with the idea of having some of them wear faceplate helmets/masks like the Gem Temple statue has.

- Bismuth notes: “flirty with Pearl like construction worker”, thinks Pearl is hilarious/awesome “This high-class trophy wife who fights and kills people!”, “Huge respect for Garnet as an inter-class fusion - Sapphire for giving up privilege, Ruby for hitting that”

- The writers play a game where someone draws a scenario, and the picture gets passed to three different people who each write part of a story based on it. They’ve used a few of these for episode ideas.

- “Island Adventure” came from an episode idea that just read “Lars and Sadie make out - even though they’re not together.” It’s described as “Clearly, this was something we all wanted to happen.”

- “Onion Friend” also started out as one of these, the original idea involved “Grandma Shallot”

- “Future Boy Zoltron” came from two different writing games, one with Garnet using her future vision to do fortune telling (and being too blunt about it), and one with Steven reuniting Mr. Smiley with his old comedy partner. The notes for the latter include “also they were clearly lovers”

- The story game that eventually became “We Need to Talk” had Greg walk in on Steven and Connie kissing in the beginning and trying to give them the other “talk”, and he learned about fusion when he saw Pearl and Amethyst practicing it. 

- There was also an as-of-now unused idea set soon after Garnet joining the Crystal Gems about Rose asking her to fuse and Garnet being uncomfortable with it and Peal being annoyed that Garnet is uncomfortable with it

- There was an idea the writers kicked around for a while about a floating continent the Gems had elevated years ago called “Airstralia”

- It’s important that Steven is “as excited about everyday human things as he is about magic Gem things”

- About “Mindful Education”: “How can we make a story about meditation exciting? How can we get kids invested in a way that will make them want to see meditation work for the characters?”

- There are also “Design a Gem/Design Gem Technology” games where one person draws a character or object and another has to come up with the description. One of these is a potential design for a healed Earth Beetle, a tiny gem about the size of Steven’s head. Some of the “tech” is a gem embedded in a slice of pizza, a device that projects thoughts that Steven uses to spy on Lars’ dreams (complete with doodle of him dreaming about Sadie and Steven saying”I knew it!”), and a visor that shows you someone’s power level but also how sad they’re feeling - “with this information you can fight them physically and emotionally”

- The writers think ““I knew it!” is always better than “I didn’t see that coming””, so they like dropping lots of hints into the show

- With Ruby and Sapphire, Rebecca wanted to make a couple that looked very different from each other but were also obviously a perfect match for each other.

- Early versions of Peal and Garnet’s fusion were a lot more stoic-looking

- Steven and Connie’s relationship is described as “the pure love of children” and “that eternal love that could withstand anything” 

- About Peridot: shows that you can be hyperactive and weird but still loved, also showing that you can be friends with people who were raised differently from you, also “a straight-up corny alien”

- the ideas that Gems could pull things out of their gems and shapeshift came from old Tex Avery-type cartoons: “ What if we take the way that a classic cartoon character acted and turned it into a superpower?���. Also “One of our goals was to have these characters who were powerful heroes, but also have them be funny and weird too.”

- from a Storyboard Test for aspiring artists: the crystal gems and Steven = “like three Zeldas and a Mario”

- Estelle gave Rebecca advice on writing “Stronger Than You” and “Here Comes a Thought”

- “Comet” was an adaption of a song from a band Nick DeMayo (the animtion director) was in in the 80s

- “We wanted this beautiful perfection of everything that had to do with Homeworld and Gem society, but it had to be kind of eerie. One of the principal idea is that perfection is not something to strive for - that it’s not necessarily good, that imperfection should be celebrated.”

- They want the show to be “subversive in a positive way”

[theblogchelor]

Week Eight aka ATVs and UTIs

Here’s What Happened Monday

Hometowns! What little girl doesn’t dream of the day she gets to bring home the love of her life, introduce him to the people she holds dearest in the world, let her father get bullied into giving his blessing on a sham wedding by some unshowered producer, share a tearful goodbye as her boyfriend leaves to repeat the process with his three other girlfriends, and ultimately spend the rest of her life with a venereal disease she contracted filming a cutesy bit rolling around in a swamp?

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves: first Nick goes through the formality of offering each girl a rose, mostly on the off chance that they might all turn him down and free him to pursue his lifelong dream of not getting married and making a living off promoting expensive sunglasses on Instagram. But no such luck.

Raven’s Hometown: Hoxie AR, aka ATVs and UTIs  

Our dear, sweet Raven greets Nick on an ATV wearing cutoff jean shorts and a conveniently thin white t-shirt AKA proper motorsport safety attire. After some good old fashioned breaking-and-entering-adventure-gets-busted-by-the-police-but-not-really-beacuse-it’s-just-her-affable-cop-brother, Raven and Nick spend the afternoon destroying local agriculture by riding ATVs through active rice fields. They then make out in the swamp water while Raven tries her damnedest not to think about snakes and Nick yells at the camera man to “make sure he’s getting this sick angle on his obliques.”

Later, after hot showers and a full battery of antivirals, Raven and Nick set off to meet Raven’s adorable wholesome family who look absolutely nothing like Raven. Her father reveals some good medical news, and the two share a poignant moment of gratitude on back porch while my roommate points out at he looks like the lovechild of Tobias Fünke and Ken Bone.

Rachel’s Hometown: Dallas TX, aka Next Season On The Bachelorette…

Rachel decides to make Nick feel right at home by conducting a string of socially uncomfortable litmus tests to make sure her serial-dating boyfriend isn’t also a lowkey racist. First she takes him to church, which is less awkward because it’s an all-black congregation and more awkward because Nick spends the whole service thinking about how he can’t wait to fornicate with three of his four girlfriends next episode.  

Next Rachel takes him home to meet her family where her sister challenges Nick on his knowledge of okra, to which Nick responds that he definitely knew okra was a thing but had been pretty sure it was a type of whale. The biggest disappointment of the family visit is the revelation that Rachel’s father, the federal judge who wouldn’t be caught dead on The Bachelor, indeed wouldn't be caught dead on The Bachelor, so it is up to someone else to grill Nick on interracial issues. Of course that task lands on the shoulders of Rachel’s corny white brother-in-law who is chomping at the bit for Nick to offend him.

The real heroes of this segment are Rachel’s wise and wonderful mom and her bone-chillingly intimidating sister who are going to make incredible television next season.

Corinne’s Hometown: Miami FL, aka Adventures of the One Percent

The hometown we’ve all been waiting for is pure, unadulterated, 100-proof Corinne. She takes Nick shopping in an exclusive Miami mall where all the store clerks greet her by name and bring her champagne as she forces Nick into designer sweatpants. Eventually she buys him a $3000 cashmere sweater to wear out of the store, even though they’re in Florida and he’s already the sweatiest man alive.

Famished from the day’s shopping, Corinne tells Nick she loves him over a styrofoam plate of teriyaki chicken at the mall food court. We’ve all been there.

Later, we finally get to meet Corinne’s fantastic family: there is an angsty teen mini-Corinne and a olive-breeding hairy-chested dad and, of course, there is Raquel. Do not expect Raquel to go gentle into that dark night, oh no. In the most baller move of the season, it’s our girl Raq City who sits Nick down to grill him on his intentions with Corinne.  And then after that ringer, Nick has to sit down with Corinne’s dad who gives him a glass of scotch and tells him Corinne would be happy to be the breadwinner of the family just to watch the last of Nick’s fragile manhood shrivel before his eyes. God, I love the Olympios family. 

Vanessa’s Hometown: Montreal QC, aka Twenty Minutes of Canadians Crying

Vanessa finishes off Nick’s hometown visits, first taking him and his stupid sweater to meet her beloved students. The class is so sweet and humors their dear teacher when she suggests they all put together a scrapbook of she and Nick’s sexual escapades. It’s heartwarming.

On their way to her home, Vanessa asks Nick if he speaks any Italian and he responds, “buenas noches.” Vanessa decides to table her concerns over his linguistic capabilities for the time being and introduces Nick to her family: thirty loud, multigenerational Italian Canadians, all speaking at once, all sobbing at random intervals. Nick, who loves crying, feels instantly at home.

Vanessa’s immediate family is over the top protective. Her little brother, the one ginger kid from every ‘80s teen movie ever made, begs her to find someone worthy. Her sister, we’ll call her Eyebrows, threatens to murder everyone Nick’s ever cared about if he hurts Vanessa. Her father, Italian Putin, flatly denies Nick’s request for his blessing but eventually gives in anyway. I don’t have proof but I’m willing to bet all of her great grandmothers probably burnt effigies of Nick in the backyard too, just to be safe.

Miscellaneous

Nick is pacing in his hotel room wearing all black like a cheap Disney villain when – dun dun dun! – Andi comes to his door. That scene would’ve had a lot more impact had I watched her season and not had to ask my roommate who she was.

How is Vanessa, or anyone, upset that Nick asks all the dads for their blessings in marriage? He started this thing with thirty girlfriends and asked for only four marriage blessings. I’d say those are good margins.

Nick had a stress pimple in Montreal and it made my day.

I can’t wait for week nine.

Bae Grimaldi

[fyeahjamesandlily]

A New Kind of Country

gift for: @lillytalons

A/N: James and Lily log onto FarmersOnly.Com for very different reasons. But they leave with very similar results.

(A quick disclaimer that I come from a family of farmers & grew up in a rural town so all of this is meant in good fun.)

Hope you enjoy!

rating: T

word count: 8,612

-

“That has to be the stupidest commercial I’ve ever seen in my life,” James said.

“Did I not say?” Sirius demanded. He turned his head to address their other friend. “Moony, did I not say?”

“Yeah, but you’re known to exaggerate,” James said.

It was a Saturday night and the three friends were holed up in James’ apartment, watching a Playoff game and drinking beer like their livers had personally wronged them. At some point during the last hour, James had slid right off the couch in favor of lying on the rug. His feet were cold from where they’d extended past the rug and lay on the hardwood floor, but he was too lazy to rifle around for a pair of socks. To live was to suffer after all. He’d read that once.

James didn’t watch a lot of TV, so he’d somehow managed to miss out on the phenomenon that was FarmersOnly.Com. When Sirius had first mentioned it, like two months ago while they were shopping for a blender because Sirius’ passion of the month was some kind of juice cleanse, James had thought Sirius was full of shit. Having never so much as shopped in a Walmart in his life, Sirius was the kind of privileged jerk that would find a dating website for farmers and “country-folk” the height of hilarity. Then again, James was just that kind of privileged jerk too.

The commercial that had just aired, however, proved Sirius perfectly right. In it, the city-slicker was portrayed as an ugly jackass who only wanted to talk about his car, until the heroine ditched her date to drive off in a truck three times her height with a suitable country boy. All of it was hammy, which James wouldn’t have minded as all of those sites promising love were selling a pretty corny idea to begin with, but what FarmersOnly did was unforgivable.

“Well it’s not really limited to farmers only is it?” James said. “I mean, the name’s misleading.”

Sirius nodded sagely. “False advertising’s what it is. Besides what exactly qualifies a person as country-folk? Is it just growing up in a small-town? Are we using the federal definitions on what qualifies? Because there are towns in like, Wyoming or wherever, where there’s only four people in the whole goddamn place, and then there’s that town in Massachusetts with like 60,000. I demand answers!”

Sirius banged his fist on the table, and Remus practically leapt off the couch in his shock. If they weren’t careful, Remus was going to pass out and spend the night there curled up on James’ couch. Not that James particularly minded, but Remus worked on the opposite side of town and the commute in city traffic could be harrowing.

“I just don’t get how it’s different than Tinder,” James said. “Good, old-fashioned hook up sites.”

“Did you not watch the commercial? It’s only for farmers and country folk, whoever they may be. That’s the difference,” Sirius said.

“But Tinder’s algorithm is based on proximity and similarity of interests. So if you’re in the middle of the “country” and say you love, I don’t know, Larry the Cable Guy, it’s going to match you with someone who also lives in the middle of nowhere and loves, I don’t know…square dancing,” James said.

“You two are going to Hell,” Remus muttered.

“What, why?” James demanded.

“Classism,” Remus answered shortly.

“Classism?” Sirius looked positively scandalized at the accusation.

“Maybe the people who use this site don’t like meeting people who think all farmers square dance and watch Larry the Cable Guy. Or maybe they do, but they want to meet someone who doesn’t think those things are worthy of mockery,” Remus said.

“What’s the point of life if you can’t laugh at yourself, Moony? In fact…” Sirius pulled out his cell and started typing.

In the beleaguered way Remus did most things – mouth pursed into a half-frown and eyes aimed heavenward as if for guidance – Remus returned to watching the game. As James’ team was in the process of scoring a particularly harrowing touchdown, James did as well, but he kept half an eye on Sirius, knowing that his friend would be up to something.

The answer came fifteen minutes later when Sirius proudly presented his phone to James for inspection. A picture of James in a plain, white t-shirt– the picture he’d taken at a bar a year ago as proof to his mom that he was leading a perfectly respectable life, explaining why he looked so wholesome – stared back at him from his new FarmersOnly profile page.

“Piss off,” James said, delighted. He pulled the phone out of Sirius’s hands entirely so that he could scroll through his new profile at his leisure.

“I think we’ve discovered why you’ve never found love, James. Looking in all the wrong places,” Sirius said sagely. “But your perfect corn-fed, cow-milking bride is on there somewhere. I can feel it.”

“Corn-fed?” Remus muttered to himself. “Like you didn’t devour that corn bread at lunch yesterday.”

James ignored Remus because, frankly, he was having too much fun to worry about whether it was elitist of them to sit around mocking the many people in the world longing for a more “traditional” approach to dating. Or as traditional as it could be when it emerged from a dating website. Certainly, it was more fun that admitting that he and Sirius were spoiled rotten and vastly underequipped to live in the manner that so many did. The closest they’d ever been to country-living was when they went camping, and even then, it was really glamping with an RV that had a power strip, a mini fridge stocked with chilled beers, and a hairdryer to protect them from going without for even a second.

Since Sirius had set up the profile from his own phone, he’d been forced to use pictures of James that he had saved in his gallery. All things considered, Sirius had chosen generously, and the image of James that began to take shape on the screen was nowhere near as ridiculous as James might have expected. Given time, James had no doubt that Sirius would have broken out Photoshop to place James in any manner of embarrassing locations – the Icecapades, the assassination of JFK, a Denny’s.

It was in the about section that Sirius had let loose, giving James an assortment of stereotypical country hobbies. For James’ description of an ideal woman, Sirius had written: “Sturdy enough to help with the housework and aware that patience is a virtue. I’m a strong believer in the value of waiting.” James read all of this aloud to Remus, who was clearly amused despite his protests.

“Not a single girl is going to talk to you with a profile like that. People can tell when they’re being demeaned,” Remus warned.

Sirius scoffed. “Have you looked at James’ handsome face? Girls will forget about anything when they see a jaw like that. Kind of like men and legs actually.”

“Yeah, Moony, don’t you think I’m handsome?” James said, before giving his most winning smile.

He started to flip through the different profiles to see if any girl caught his eye. His search wasn’t serious, of course, as he had only to switch over to Tinder to find any number of girls, most of whom weren’t touting their interest in traditional values, which suited James just fine. He was a guy after all. Still, he wouldn’t say no to a stunning blonde in denim cut-offs…

“Besides, James is rich,” Sirius reminded them. “These country girls would dream of a guy like him. A hero to swoop in and show them the delights of the city.”

“You do know that farmers have a lot of money, right?” Remus demanded, completely exasperated at this point. “They’re land-owners. You don’t even own this apartment.”

“Not if they’re farm-hands,” Sirius pointed out, his smile screaming ‘check and mate.’ “And I bet most of these so-called land-owners don’t have hair-gel inheritance money.”

“I bet they have more than disowned at sixteen money,” Remus muttered.

Next thing James knew, his two friends were wrestling on the floor. Remus had Sirius in a headlock that forced Sirius to hunch his body nearly in half but did nothing to prevent him from jabbing Remus repeatedly in the ribs. Ignoring them as this was a bi-weekly occurrence, James continued to scroll through his options. He’d already grown bored – eyes drifting to the game as often as to his phone screen – when he came across it. Her.

“Holy –! Guys look at this!” James cried. Since neither of them stopped wrestling to pay him any attention, James slid off the couch and dangled the phone in front of Sirius’s puce and sweat-soaked face. “Look at this girl!”

“She’s hot,” Sirius agreed before getting his finger into Remus’s mouth and pulling him into a fish hook. Remus howled his pained outrage and kicked Sirius in the shin in retaliation.

“Hot? Hot? Try gorgeous. Try the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen in my life. She can’t be real. This has to be a catfish,” James said loudly.

Now interested, Remus slapped Sirius’s hand out of his mouth so that he could look as well. “Oh yeah, very pretty.”

Very pretty? James was beginning to think he wasn’t the only one of their number that needed glasses because Remus and Sirius were clearly going blind. The girl in the pictures was the very definition of beauty, the kind of face that when photographed could be submitted to any magazine and they’d think she was shot by Mario Testino or someone equally talented.

The first thing of note was her hair, deep-red and cascading down her shoulders in every picture – except for the one where she’d pulled it back and given a great view of the long stretch of her neck, an almost equally appealing feature. Her features were nearly elfin, small nose and a rosebud for a mouth, a sprinkling of freckles, and cheekbones that looked like they were drawn on. The only big component of her face was her eyes, wide and green and inquisitive in every shot. Either she was perfectly proportioned or she was tall too, the one shot that showed off her body making it look as if her legs stretched on for six feet like some sort of gorgeous giantess.

And as if life wasn’t already cruelly unfair, she seemed super cool too. There was the photo of her finishing a marathon – makeup free and jubilant at her success. The one where she was vaping, a puff of smoke shielding the better part of her face. In one she stood next to a series of statues at a museum, posed in the same rigid manner so that she nearly blended in with the grey stone. Hiking and giving speeches, and playing the guitar, her interests seemed never-ending. In others, she was less active, just lying around with her cat or reading a book in the sun.

The only word that could rise to his mind was stunning.

So even though this entire profile had been meant as a lark, a way of laughing at a group of people unlike himself that he had never bothered to understand, James started to type.

“Next class we’ll be covering Piaget, so do the reading beforehand and feel free to stop by office hours on Monday if you’d like to talk to me or Professor McKirkland. You can expect your reviewed proposals returned next class. Have a great afternoon,” Lily Evans – TA, Aries, and Masters student in the clinical Psychology department – announced to the auditorium of students.

She always enjoyed the days where she got to lecture because, as she often said, it never hurt to brush up on the basics. After a Freshman year paper on the neuroscience of memory, Lily was all too familiar with how easily the brain discarded facts, even those ones she’d studied for hours on end. Today, she’d been less than happy to take on the additional burden because she was neck-deep in her year-end project for her Social Behaviors class. Hell, who was she kidding? She was drowning.

The issue was a matter of scope. Her original intent had been to observe the way heterosexual men utilized dating websites. Specifically, she wanted to classify their initial approaches and determine whether the four personality metrics could be correlated to how they chose to approach women.  Several problems immediately presented themselves: How was she going to survey these men to determine their personality types at the end? Was a ‘hey’ the same as a ‘hey, how are you?’ in her classification system? And how did she control for the different dating websites?

That last question was her greatest regret. Everything would be going so much more smoothly if she’d just limited her research to Tinder and been done with it. Unfortunately, her eyes had been bigger than her stomach and she’d signed up for a whole host of dating sties: Tinder, OKCupid, Christian Mingle, etc. It was lunacy because they all catered to different demographics, which meant she’d had to create a half-dozen different scales to measure the results. Sleep had been foregone in the effort.

Finally, finally it was almost over. Give her another three days, and she could put the final polish on her research. Hello A+ and goodbye thirsty men of the internet.

With class over, Lily made her way to the café next to the Psych building. She’d made a table there her home over the past three weeks because the restaurant had a download speed of 4.0 mbs waffle fries that she’d want as her last meal on death row. Who’d pick a half-rate coffee shop when there was starchy goodness just down the block?

Lily sat at her usual table and ordered her usual drink from her usual waitress. The stress of the end of the semester always turned her into a creature of habit. She was just debating whether she’d rather a veggie wrap or her beloved waffle fries, when her phone vibrated with a new message. Idly, Lily scanned the reminder from Marlene to bring ice to the party she was hosting on Saturday. The party Lily wasn’t even sure she could make.

Whenever deadlines came around, Lily always dropped off the face of the planet, which was how she’d managed to accumulate nearly six hundred notifications on her phone. Lily almost choked when she saw the number. They were nearly all messages off those dating sites.

Lily clicked into Tinder where the barrage was the worst. Her screen was filled with a page-worth of boring ‘heyyy’ and ‘what’s up, cutie’ messages. Her research had confirmed what everyone knew, that there was no approach more prolific than that of the bland introduction. A little ways down she was assaulted by her first unsolicited dick pic. It was from one of the guys she’d chatted with for a bit, and Lily would have sworn he had seemed normal at the time. Right below was a guy calling her names for not messaging him back.

Pushing the phone out of reach, Lily shuddered. Dating was meant to be fun, not this cesspool of negativity. The real research ought to be on what these jerks hoped to accomplish when they pulled this stuff. Lily imagined girls never fell for it. Or rather, she hoped they didn’t.

A wonderful thought had her reaching for her phone again; the collection stage was over! She no longer needed to belong to any of these sites. Talk about a fast way to handle notifications, she’d just delete all of them.

Tinder was the first to go. Then OKCupid. Goodbye Match.Com and Sayonara EHarmony.

Lily was having so much fun with her social media destruction that a waitress started sending nervous looks toward her table, disturbed by the unabridged glee on Lily’s face as she jabbed at her phone screen. Under normal circumstances, Lily might have cared, but her body was coursing with satisfaction and caffeine. In a time where Lily’s life took on a haze of glowing computer screens, paper cuts, and two-for-one five hour energy shots, she would take her pleasures where she found them.

Going to her FarmersOnly account was an afterthought because she’d ultimately had to cut the site from her research. The default profile Lily had constructed to use across all the platforms simply didn’t fit with the FarmersOnly user base, which meant she couldn’t properly observe how men used the site. Half of them had hit her up with a message along the lines of: ‘You don’t look like any country girl I’ve ever seen.’

Really the only thing she’d learned from her membership was that her decided “city-girl” status did nothing to deter the men. Guys were persistent wherever you went apparently.

Since she’d stopped using the site three months ago, she was surprised to see a new notification from that morning at 2:47 AM. A time that left a poor first impression if there ever was one. (Maybe someday she’d write an online dating advice blog to help these flailing guys.)

The message read: I saw you work at Sonic + I’ve been dying to find one around here. Save a man’s life. I need a coconut cream pie milkshake STAT.

Lily stared, bewildered, at the message for a minute longer. Here she was, ninety percent through a paper on online dating tactics, and this one was entirely new. She felt compelled to answer before she deleted her profile altogether. After all, she didn’t want him dying on her conscience.

Lily: Sorry. I work summers at 1 out of state & go to school at the University here.

There, now that was settled. Except before she had finished ordering (the waffle fries had won out), this guy – James Potter – had written back.

James: NOOOO! And I thought you’d be the girl to save me. But ur just a tease.

James: Wait! Not that kind of tease. A Sonic tease.

James: I don’t want you thinking I mean the other kind.

James: Though honestly that’d be better. I mean who dangles a milkshake in front of a man like that.

James: Rude.

Her paper was waiting for her and she really ought to open her laptop and get to work. Only Lily had no idea how to answer this James, and his bizarre messages warranted some kind of response. He was, well, kind of funny.

Lily clicked into his profile to do some digging, which, if her goal was to quickly move onto her paper, was a mistake because Sonic boy was hot! Hot in that kind of nerdy, unaffected way. In his profile picture he was a big smile of white teeth and impressively rumpled hair. There was an asymmetry to his face, almost like everything was angled just a degree to the side, yet it didn’t diminish from his attractiveness at all. Plain white T-shirt. Eyes that crinkled when he smiled. She couldn’t find a single point to critique.

A quick scroll through the other photos – all six of them – proved the good photo wasn’t a goof. They showed him sweat-soaked and in-shape playing soccer, wrestling with a giant dog, visiting a brewery, and drinking wine with his mates, all of whom were decked out in tuxedos. Lily had to give him a gold star for photo selection. He’d achieved just the balance Lily would have recommended if she was doling out advice.

Moved solely by her shallow admiration of James’ face, Lily typed out a quick response.

Lily: Have you considered travelling to the 1 a county over?

James: You mean drive my car 35 mins to reach the greatest shake on this earth?

James: Don’t be ridiculous.

Lily: Was that your subtle way of telling me you own a car?

James: Impressed ;)

Finding herself laughing at his blatant self-promotion, Lily clicked back into his profile. And here’s where he lost her. He lived in the same city and had graduated from her university, which was good, but his hobbies included mudding, bull-riding, and trout. As if trout was even a hobby! Looking through his photos, it had been so easy to forget that she was on FarmersOnly.Com and she was decidedly not a farmer.

Lily almost closed the app without responding, but the guilt kicked in before she could. What kind of shallow person let a few hobbies scare her off from a guy who seemed cute and charming? It would be the height of snobbery to reject James because of a few cultural differences. And she had no business looking down her nose at anyone considering the part of the city where she grew up. To be fair, she ought to let James chase her away with their incompatibility instead.

Lily: Not really. A car in this city? Not a good investment.

James: Oh I don’t drive it around here.

James: I like to take it out on the weekends. Speed down the highway with the top down and the music on blast.

Lily: Well aren’t you just an Eagles song.

James: What can I say? I like to Take It Easy.

James: Your profile said you like Oscar bait movies.

James: You mean like good cinematography or Meryl Streep in literally anything?

Lily: I mean sweeping biopics about suffering and triumph.

James: Eww. Bad taste L

Lily: Don’t try to neg me.

James: I would never. You’re gorgeous & you know it

James: You just also have bad movie taste.

Lily: Fine. Favorite movie?

James: Fight Club.

Lily: You have to be joking.

James: Dead Sirius.

James: That was a pun.

James: Which I now realize you can’t get because you’ve never met Sirius.

James: My best friend, Sirius.

Lily: Weird name.

James: Tell me about it. His parents name on a theme. All constellations.

James: I mean who does that?

Lily: My parents named me & my sister after flowers.

James: …So apparently your parents do that…

James: All I can say is OUR children won’t be named on a theme.

James: I’m thinking Trudy and Blaze.

James: Thoughts?

Lily: I’m speechless.

James: Kewl. I want you to WRITE your answer not speak it.

They continued in much the same manner for another hour and a half until Lily realized the sun was setting and she hadn’t so much as glanced at her research. James Potter appeared to be many things – contrary and confident and contradictory to name a few – but he was decidedly a distraction as well.

Despondently, Lily decided it was time to bid James a goodbye because she’d rather see the back of him than her destroy her average. Surprisingly, James accepted that she had work to do without complaint. Lily had half-expected him to start rattling on about the possibility of him dying without her company or something equally extreme. In the short time she’d known him, she’d picked up that he was prone to that exact type of exaggeration.

Just before she logged off, however, he did ask whether he could have her number so that they could keep texting later. Lily deliberated for another minute before typing out her cell number. After all, what could it hurt?

“He takes aim. He shoots. He scores!” Sirius practically roared, upending a bowl of popcorn as he threw his hands into the air. His controller tumbled off the couch in all the excitement. “Prongs, did you see how I just outmaneuvered you there? …Prongs?”

“What?” James asked absently, not bothering to look up from his phone.

He almost fell off the couch like the controller when Sirius reached forward and yanked his cell right out of his hands. James blinked a few times to adjust. After hours of staring at a phone screen, his eyes were no longer accustomed to making out shapes in his dimly lit apartment.

“What the hell?” James demanded, making a move to snatch his phone back, which Sirius deftly evaded.

“It’s not fun kicking your ass in Pro Evolution when you don’t even bother! I invited you over to play, not to stare at your phone,” Sirius complained.

“You sound like, really old,” James said, amused even as he plotted how to get his phone back. “Like ‘those darn millennials always on their phones’ old.”

Sirius made a highly offended noise in return and switched off the TV, interrupting a montage in which Sirius’s team was rewarded for their goal. “First off, rude. Second off, you could have stayed in your own apartment if you didn’t want to play. What are you even doing?”

“Just texting,” James said ambiguously.

Purposefully ambiguously because James had found through years of experience that Sirius was a menace to a man’s love life. Not only was he the kind of handsome that could have any girl questioning her choices, but Sirius was also the kind of jackass that could send a girl running with a few well-placed stories. James would let Lily in on his secrets one day, but that would only be after he was confident she was invested. He would need to trap his dream girl just like his ancestors before him.

“This isn’t that farmer girl is it?” Sirius asked. When James didn’t answer, Sirius’s eyebrows shot up practically past his hair line. “It is! A farmer! Really, James?”

“She’s not a farmer. She was born in a city and she’s at the university,” James corrected quickly. “I think she just must like the farmer type, you know? That’s why she was on the website.”

Sirius gave him a long, assessing look. “You do know that you don’t exactly fit that mold, right?”

“Yes.”

James was unfortunately aware of his failings in just that area. Lily had joined FarmersOnly.Com to find a good, old country boy, and James hardly qualified despite his profile’s many false claims. So far, the disparity between the James of reality and the James that had first attracted Lily hadn’t been an issue. Their conversation flowed smoothly, better than any experience with a woman that James could remember with both of them alternating between flirtation and serious conversation effortlessly. So much of that fact was likely due to Lily being perfect: clever, beautiful, accomplished with a variety of interests and experiences to keep him on his toes. The only trouble was that he didn’t meet her desired mold at all.

“Just give me my phone back, dude,” James pleaded.

“I don’t know. Maybe I want to see what’s so special about little Miss Cowbell,” Sirius said.

“Please don’t play around right now. She’s going to think I’m ignoring her if I don’t text back,” James said.

Since they’d started talking three days earlier, James had been quick to respond to every one of her messages. The longest gap between her writing and him replying stood at four minutes. She had texted him about dying for a caramel latte but being too lazy to leave her apartment just as he got out of the shower. He’d nearly pulled his hair out when he realized he was keeping her waiting. Because when it came to someone as perfect as Lily, James didn’t want to take any chances.

Knowing that Sirius didn’t respect little things like privacy and might actually start reading through his conversation with Lily – Sirius always figured out James’ passcode no matter how many times he changed it – James figured it was best to just answer. “She’s just asked if she can psychoanalyze me. She’s got a Bachelors in psychology and is getting her Masters right now.”

“I can psychoanalyze you,” Sirius snorted. “Low-degree narcissism and a weird aversion to cramped spaces that can only be you remembering back to your time in utero.”

“Aren’t you funny,” James said drolly.

“Yes, I am,” Sirius said, but then, “Seriously though, dude. Put the phone down on hang out with me. That or go home. I could still be in bed playing Tetris but I put on clothes to hang out with you.”

Reluctantly, James surrendered his phone to Sirius. The rest of the afternoon was spent in the typical fashion – eating too many Doritos and arguing over who had played better when they’d both won an even number of matches at FIFA 2014. Bit by bit, James forget that there was a beautiful girl on the other side of the city, going about her own life like something out of a fairytale. One filled with pen stains and haunting deadlines, but a fairytale all the same.

“So you gonna meet her?” Sirius asked.

James struggled to follow the question as he was currently on the phone with the pizza place down the street and he was trying to do the math as to how many pizzas to order. Two would be plenty for the two of them, but there was the very real possibility that Peter and Remus would come over later, and that would be two pizzas too few.

“What?” James asked stupidly, before quickly telling the guy on the other end of the phone that they’d take three pizzas.

“The girl you’re texting. The farmer,” Sirius said, “Are you planning to meet her?”

James stared at Sirius as if he was questioning whether his friend had suffered a braincell destroying accident. Sarcastically, he said, “No. I don’t want to meet the hot girl I’ve been texting non-stop for days. Distance makes the heart fonder and all. I want her to stay far away forever.”

“Okay, okay. Just asking,” Sirius said placatingly. “I’m happy for you two. Honestly.”

It was nearly two A.M. and six Yuenglings into the night when James Ubered back to his own apartment. He’d have slept over at Sirius’s, but the cushions of the couch had been worn down to the point that sleeping there felt like lying on the floor, and as James’ buzz had grown, so too had his desire for a night’s sleep surrounded by fluffy pillows. He favored as many as seven on an average night. Only as James was walking out the door did Sirius think to return his phone, which James had altogether forgotten about after Peter had arrived with a deck of cards.

He skipped over the texts from his parents – forever anxious about how he was holding up in the city alone, as if all his friends didn’t live a few blocks away – and the snaps from girls he’d known at one point or another. With the ease of muscle memory, he moved to check for more messages from Lily, and he nearly dropped his phone in horror at what he found there. The last thing that had been written before Sirius had stolen his phone was Lily’s request to psychoanalyze him. In the absence of a reply, Lily had assumed the worst.

Lily: James????

Lily: I was just joking. You know that.

Lily: Right?

Lily: Shit. I’m really sorry. I wasn’t trying to annoy you or anything.

Lily: Okay…well good night.

James swore he was going to gut Sirius when he saw him next. What had he been thinking letting Sirius talk him into abandoning his phone for the night? James knew all too well that most of Sirius’s ideas about relationships were toxic, and, worse, that he was all talk, never applying them to his own romantic endeavors. If Sirius had been talking to a girl, he never would have surrendered his phone in the name of friendship.

Quickly, James typed out his response.

James: SORRY

James: Definitely didn’t mean to drop you like that. I was just caught up with friends and lost track of time.

James: Sorry if I freaked you out.

Lily didn’t immediately write back, so James figured she’d fallen asleep for the night. He was forced to content himself with the idea that she wouldn’t see his apology until she woke up the next day. The lights of the city blinked as his driver took him the rest of the way home, a glint of color that would blaze brightly and then fade away into darkness a second later as they rounded a corner. These lights acted as a replacement for the stars that were muted by the many competing colors of the city.

Maybe that was why Lily was spending her time looking for men on FarmersOnly. To a degree, James had to admit that he could see the appeal. Out in the country, where the sky stretched for miles into the distance, James imagined a person could breath. A person could lay out in a field, staring up at the night sky with no fear that he might be mugged. More importantly, a person could be truly alone.

The prospect made him sigh longingly.

His phone dinged.

Lily: whewww, no worries. I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea or anything.

Lily: Glad everything’s okay :)

Maybe he ought to have respected that it was late and Lily was likely tired, but James was in an uncharacteristically sentimental mood, and he wanted to talk to her. It seemed ridiculous, but he’d missed her in the few hours they hadn’t talked. They’d known each other for a few days and already she was a fixture in his life.

James: I missed you today.

It took her a few minutes to write back, but when she did, James grin was exaggerated enough to make his cheeks ache.

Lily: Me too.

James: Tell me something abt when you were growing up.

Lily: Like what?

James: anything just a story

Lily: ummm growing up i lived on a really busy street & we were pretty far from any parks or anywhere we could play because we were on the wrong side of downtown.

Lily: so my sister and I really wanted to play tennis but we couldn’t safely.

Lily: like one time I literally almost got hit by an SUV so my mom forbade us from ever taking our rackets outside for any reason.

Lily: so we developed this version of tennis where we played in the house. Like actually lobbing balls over the kitchen table and up and down the staircase.

Lily: It was WILD. We destroyed half the house by the time my parents realized what was happening. Broken glass everywhere. The dog traumatized from running back and forth so much. But it was so much FUN.

Lily: it’s still like my best memory with my sister.

James: I guess I can see why you find the country lifestyle so appealing.

James: Seems like the right way to raise kids.

Lily: Trudy and Blaze would certainly like a little open space.

James: Yea they would

James: Do you think you want to meet sometime soon. Face to face?

Lily: No.

James: No?????!!!!!????

Lily: No.

Lily: I’m pretty sure you’re like a 60-year-old man and I want the illusion to last a little longer.

James practically collapsed in relief.

James: What if I promise I’m not 60?

Lily: Are you 59?

James: I promise I’m not a day over 58.

At this point he’d arrived back at his apartment and he had to focus on finding the key to his building. When he looked back at his phone, Lily had answered.

Lily: my friend’s having a party this weekend. Do you want to meet me there?

James: it’s a date.

And right there in the middle of the sidewalk, with the lights blinking down on him and pedestrians sending him dirty looks for taking up so much space, James thrust a triumphant fist into the air. It was a date.

As was typical, the party was overcrowded, the combined tempo of the occupants’ thundering pulses almost overpowering the heavy bass of the Tropical House music that Marlene had come to favor. A step in any direction was guaranteed to encroach on at least one guest’s personal space, so stubbed toes and muttered ‘excuse mes’ became the theme song of the night. The problem was that Marlene was far too popular for her own good, a former debutante with a practiced smile who knew when to ask the right, probing question. Lily would have sworn that every familiar face on campus was crammed into the studio apartment that night.

It had long ago crossed into the realm of the embarrassing how often Lily glanced at her phone, which Marlene was quick to remind her whenever Lily failed in her stealth attempts, hiding the phone beneath her leg and glancing down for a message from James. She couldn’t help that he was late, nor that the fact of his lateness had unleashed a hurricane in her stomach. Still, a man didn’t text non-stop for a week, just to stand you up on the first date.

Seated by the TV, with Marlene practically sprawled across her lap, Lily had the perfect position, able to socialize as she pleased with the court that naturally surrounded Marlene wherever she went and able to keep an eye on the door, her visibility only blocked when the basketball team – all of whom were too tall for their own good – crowded into her line of vision. Whenever that happened, Lily’s foot would start to tap in double-time, outpacing the beat of the music currently playing. Lily wanted to believe that her nerves were subtle, but the amused curl of Marlene’s smile belied her hopes.

Somehow, despite all the precautions she’d put in place, Lily missed when James first strolled into the party. Just about no one else did because, well…he stood out. Lily was delicately scooping the remains of vodka-tinted jello out of her shot glass when James appeared at her shoulder like something straight out of a Nicholas Sparks movie, one of the ones about rodeos, a pseudo-Western hero with none of the gruff of Clint Eastwood. Lily nearly choked, as the jello slid, slimy and sweet, down her throat.

To his plaid button-down and worn blue jeans, Lily couldn’t complain, but she had some major objections to the enormous cowboy hat that perched jauntily on his head, sliding slightly to the left like it didn’t quite fit. His belt buckle was enormous, easily the size of her clenched fist and bronze. In a room full of university sweatshirts and non-descript tees, James stood out like a sore thumb; a thumb that had been beaten with a hammer and then become infected with gangrene.

“Sorry I’m late,” James said. He shouted to be heard over the music only the song switched over mid-sentence, so half his apology was just yelled in her face.

“No worries,” Lily said, pushing Marlene’s gaping form to the side so that she could stand up and greet James properly. “I didn’t see you text. Did you find the place okay?”

James didn’t answer for a moment, too busy staring at her to remember his manners. He shook his head like he was coming to himself and said, “Sorry. Sorry. Yes, I found the place fine. I just…wow, I can’t believe you’re real.”

“I could say the same to you,” Lily said, and then prayed that had somehow sounded less cheesy to his ears than hers.

Lily wasn’t quite sure what to do with her hands: present one for a shake, move in for a peck on the cheek. Maybe James was feeling the same anxiety because he lowered the tip of his hat – thumb resting on the braided leather – and said, “M’lady, do you like my hat?”

The creepings of embarrassment were already making themselves obvious in the blush that appeared across her cheeks. She ought to lie, of course. It was the socially acceptable course of action. Unfortunately, one of the main lessons she’d taken from her studies was that the truth was imperative. She could never expect people to truly know her, let alone develop a healthy relationship when it was built on dishonesty. Even the little white lies that most people excused as a normal part of social interaction were inexcusable.

So, horrified with herself even as she spoke, Lily admitted, “Actually I kind of hate it.”

Taking off the hat, James looked between her and the infernal thing, obviously perplexed. Evidently he’d thought that sort of thing would appeal. Then, in a move so smooth she would have thought it was practiced, James tossed the hat like a Frisbee in to the crowd of dancing bodies, lost forevermore.

“There. No more hat,” James declared pleasantly.

His hair stuck flat to his head from where the hat had plastered it down, looking nothing like the pictures. Before her eyes though his hair appeared to engage in a battle against gravity, slowly unsticking from his skull and rising in disordered clumps. She wanted to pet it down back into place, but something told her that any effort on her part wouldn’t be enough.

Smiling brilliantly, Lily stuck her hand out for a shake. “Since we’re meeting formally for the first time, it’s nice to meet you, James.”

Instead of shaking her hand, James picked it up gently, running his thumb – so much longer than her own – along the vein at the center of her hand. She half expected him to pull a goofy move like raising it to his lips for a kiss, but instead he pulled her entire body forward for a hug. Lily had to remind herself that it was just a hug because the gesture felt so intimate that she half-expected everyone at the party to stare at them with disgust, and this was the same party where a few freshman had been grinding in one long train for the last hour. It only lasted for a few seconds, but the hug was warm and exciting. Just like James.

When they broke apart, Lily said, “Want to find somewhere to talk? I’m excited to see if you’re half as witty as you like to think you are.” James cocked an eyebrow at her, so Lily elaborated, “You’ve had an unfair advantage when we’re texting. It gives you a couple of seconds to think. For all I know, you’re googling your best lines before sending them.”

“I respond pretty fast,” James pointed out. “Either I’m every bit as clever as I’ve led you to believe, or I’m the speedy type.”

“And you know that’s one of the main things that I look for in a man,” Lily said.

Rapid fire, James said, “Well then it may interest you to know that I can type 70 words per minute. Thank you high school computer class. These fingers are agile.”

He wiggled his fingers in her face, giving Lily the perfect opportunity to grab him by the hand and pull him toward the balcony. It was the only place in Marlene’s apartment that wasn’t brimming with people because she’d hung a curtain to cover the sliding door that separated the apartment proper from the narrow balcony outside. Anyone who wasn’t familiar with Marlene’s place wouldn’t even realize there was a door behind the gauzy drapery, but Lily knew to just peel it away for a quick escape.

Why the architects had thought adding balconies to the units here was a good idea was a mystery to Lily as the view from Marlene’s apartment was bleak, blocked off entirely by the towering brownstone across the street. All that anyone could really make out from there was the comings and goings of the passersby on the street. Since the view wasn’t impressive, Marlene hadn’t bothered to decorate much, setting down two low-sitting, white-plastic chairs and a cardboard box to act as a table. It was in these uncomfortable chairs that Lily and James settled, repositioning them so that they half-faced each other.

“These remind me of being in kindergarten,” James said, tapping the chair in question idly.

“That’s funny. They remind me of my Grandma. She had chairs like this in her garden,” Lily said.

Lily suddenly was unsure of what to say, which was funny because they’d never run short of conversation when they were texting. Their banter had flowed naturally like how she’d only ever witnessed on television. Maybe that was the problem though. All of the normal getting-to-know-you talk had already occurred between them.

Fortunately for her, James wasn’t the type who ever wanted for something to say, and he quickly launched into it. “So you said you’ve been busy with the end of the semester. Did you finish up all your work? You should know that I expect good grades from such a bright young lady.”

“I don’t know. My work’s been better,” Lily admitted.

She’d finished her paper and expected an A considering all of the work she’d poured into it, but some of her other projects were lacking. Plus, she’d barely studied for any of her test. She’d pass, but she’d be lucky to score above a B minus.

“I’m gravely disappointed,” James said, in a tone that suggested he was trying to mimic a stern father.

Lily snorted. “It’s your fault in the first place.”

“Mine?”

“Yes, yours! You kept distracting me when I should have been working. I’m lucky I got anything finished at all what with you blathering away all the time,” Lily said with more vehemence than she actually felt.

“I feel…oddly proud,” James smiled. “If you really need me to stop texting for a week so that you can get some work done, just say the word.”

Lily’s lips remained pressed together. It was mortifying really, how she couldn’t force herself to ask he stay away for even a minute, let alone a week. That was when she made a decision.

Looking him directly in the eyes, Lily said, “Maybe you can take me mudding sometime.”

If she wanted the rise of feelings – swelling and hot and shiver-inducing – that came with James, that meant acceptance of who he was. Mudding and all.

“Mudding?” James asked a bit nervously. He must have picked up on the fact that Lily, for all her appreciation of casual attire, wasn’t exactly the mudding type.

“Yeah, it was listed as one of your hobbies on your profile,” Lily said. “I don’t have a clue what to wear, of course. You’ll have to help me out a bit. Would sneakers be the right call? Or do I need some special kind of boot? Mudding sounds, well…muddy.”

James winced, scratched at his knees, looked away. All signs of a man with a secret. It set Lily a bit on edge to watch him so obviously nervous.

“I mean…if you don’t want to take me that’s fine,” Lily said.

“No! Of course, I want to take you. I mean, I want to take you everywhere. Try everything,” James said, such a shockingly unexpected declaration that she was left blinking and confused.

“Then, mudding,” Lily said firmly because they both had something to prove.

James remained silent, allowing the moment to stretch and turn awkward. Her intuition that James was keeping something from her grew unignorable. As much as Lily loathed dishonesty, she didn’t want to pry. Everything they had felt so tenuous, as if the smallest mistake might dash her image of James forever, send him back into the realm of her daydreams.

“I have to tell you something,” James said, like he had no idea that those words brought with them a million allusions to heartbreak and betrayal.

“What?” Lily said, feeling just that heartbreak and betrayal.

“I’veneverbeenmudding.”

“What?”

“I’ve never been mudding.”

Under normal circumstances, Lily would have responded to such a statement with a shrug, but James was sweating like he’d just let her in on one of the darkest secrets of his life. Faced with his inexplicable solemnity, Lily felt like she ought to treat the situation with the same level of gravity.

“I don’t understand…that’s fine,” Lily tried uncertainly.

Head in his hands and elbows propped on his knees, James sighed. “I don’t think you understand, Lily. I’ve never been mudding. Never been mudding, or to the rodeo, or to Nashville. None of it.”

“You’re still young. Plenty of time to cross things off your bucket list in the future,” Lily said.

The only sense she could make of the situation was that James was poorly handling his death anxieties, coming face-to-face with the reality that he still hadn’t done so much of what he had planned in life. Perfectly natural if a little poorly timed. She patted his shoulder in sympathy.

“No, you don’t get it,” James looked up at her with wild-eyes. “My whole profile was a lie. I got you to meet me under false pretenses. I’m not a country guy at all! I’m born and raised in the city, and I love it. The closest I have to any country-credibility is I like that one Rascal Flatts song.”

As Lily listened on incredulously, James filled her in on the entire, ridiculous tale. He was genuinely terrified that she was going to dump him on sight for being too urban. What struck Lily as the most ludicrous of all was that two city-bred people with their northern values, had managed to find each other on FarmersOnly.Com.

She began to laugh.

“Lily?” James asked nervously.

She kept on laughing.

Only after several minutes did she find the voice to explain why she’d been on the website in the first place. Overcome at the realization that he hadn’t ruined his chances for her, James leaned forward seemingly at an impulse and kissed her. Almost the second his lips touched hers, a car alarm set off down the street. Startled, James tried to pull back to see the source of the commotion, but Lily yanked him forward by his collar, not letting him separate from her by so much as an inch.

James kissed her back then. The sharp point of his nose caressed along her cheek. His hands combed a soft path through her hair. All of the sounds of the party behind them and the traffic below faded to nothing. Their chemistry was undeniable, heat sparking between their lips and and casting fire down her spine like a series of sparklers.

“Well, what have we here?”

Hesitant to end what had been gearing up to be an earth-shattering kiss, Lily turned to see Marlene standing by the open door with a bottle of Merlot held high. Lily gave Marlene her best intimidating look, a silent plea for her to go back inside so that things could continue but Marlene’s eyes were slightly unfocused like she was already four or five glasses in and she missed the signal.

“You two look so adorable together,” Marlene sighed pleasantly before sliding down to sit on the balcony with them, back propped against the door.

“Thanks, Marlene,” Lily said tightly.

James gave Lily’s hand a light squeeze and smiled. It was a promise that there would be plenty of time for kisses later. Lily felt something relax inside of her. Plenty of time.

The city really was beautiful at night, even their limited view from the balcony. Here, Lily had a view into so many different lives, all of these people bustling about in different directions with loved ones and decisions to make that she could never guess at. Hubs of humanity. That was what cities ought to be called.

“So where’d you two meet anyway?” Marlene asked.

Funny as their story was, Lily liked that it lived as a secret between them. Someday she’d tell the truth to anyone who asked, but for today…today it was theirs.

Like they’d rehearsed it, James and Lily said in unison, “Tinder.”

Their subsequent grins matched just as perfectly.

They matched perfectly.

[closetofanxiety]

Show Review: NXT Takeover Philadelphia

Since this is always such a popular feature of this web log, let’s take a look at last Saturday’s grappling action! 

Where: The Wells Fargo Center in beautiful Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (note, for some reason, in my mind this building is still the First Union Center, its name between 1998 and 2003. I don’t know why, 15 years later, I can’t move on. On the other hand, at least I’m not still calling it the Spectrum, although that is a real possibility)

When: Saturday, Jan. 27, 2018

Who: I don’t know what the announced crowd was, but the Spectrum holds about 19,000. It looked pretty full, and the crowd was hot.

Show notes: As is becoming a Takeover tradition, we got ringside glances at new signees wearing their best maroon suits (Ricochet and EC 3) and black polo shirts (War Machine). Lots of your favorite indie wrestlers were backstage, as their Instagram feeds attest.

NXT Tag Team Championship Match: Undisputed Era (Kyle O’Reilly and Bobby Fish) (c) vs. The Authors of Pain (Akam and Rezar) w/Paul Ellering

This was a really good match. It’s time to acknowledge how consistent the Authors of Pain have become at delivering on a big stage. It’s true that you never get a second chance to make a first impression, but too many people still think of these guys as the green, lumbering monsters doing a kind of Road-Warriors-Without-the-Mardi-Gras-Paint gimmick. The Authors of Pain are legit. It helps that they were wrestling nimble tag team veterans reDRagon, who had to use their MMA-ness to try and even the odds against the much larger Authors. I really like how they blended in Old School Psychology - O’Reilly and Fish working on Akam’s bad knee throughout the match - with the spots and pacing we’ve come to expect from contemporary WWE. The ending was also great, with the big dudes going for their finish and being thrown off by some veteran maneuvering on the part of O’Reilly, who gets the roll-up after Akam and Rezar accidentally collide with each other.

Rating: Four Spectrums.

Velveteen Dream vs. Kassius Ohno

Hey, another opportunity for Velveteen Dream fans to wish misfortune on me! Listen: I just don’t like his gimmick. I think he’s an incredibly talented athlete with a huge amount of upside considering he’s all of 22 years old, but he is essentially the 21st century version of Johnny B. Badd: they even gave Dream a boxing lark for this match, as if to solidify the Marc Mero comparison even more.

This was a perfectly fine wrestling match, although it had a few weak moments. Ohno is in NXT to give the rub to younger guys, and that’s what he did here, making Dream look like a world-beater. That’s a fine and intelligent way to book the erstwhile Chris Hero in 2018, and he gets to do it in front of huge crowds at the First Union Center, so I don’t want to hear any complaining about how he’s being “buried.” 

Dream gets the win with the Purple Rainmaker, which is quite the career-shortening finisher. I also enjoyed that Blaster McMassive from Devastation Corporation was on hand to hold a pillow with a mouth guard on it before the match started.

Rating: Three Spectrums

NXT Women’s Championship: Ember Moon (c) vs. Shayna Baszler

I was really expecting Baszler to win here, considering how much they’re hyping her, the rumors (subsequently confirmed) of Ronda Rousey’s arrival in some capacity, and the fact that Ember Moon, while one of the four or five best wrestlers among all the WWE women, has kind of a bland character. 

Baszler has the advantage of an aura of genuine menace: it’s not just the MMA background, it’s the way she looks when she puts the black mouth guard in, like some kind of tundra monster from Siberian folklore who grinds people’s bones into flour. It adds a lot to a match!

Her style, though, is heavily mat-based and MMA-esque, which can make for something of a ponderous contest. It would be insane to try and make her a high-flyer or something, but she needs to be in matches that are more Old School than the normal fare, and that’s what we get here: a real old fashioned contest where Moon’s arm gets hurt early, and Baszler sadistically works it throughout the match. Moon was great as the wounded heroine trying to fight back against the monster, working one-armed and selling the hell out of the injury (which she’d continue doing the following night during the women’s Rumble, taking the nastiest looking elimination out of anyone, with her arm swaddled in bandages).

Moon got the win, which was something of a shock, but Baszler maintained her menacing rep by attacking the champ after the match. It kind of lacked some of the fire that we’ve come to expect from NXT title matches, but was perfectly fine and did a nice job of establishing Baszler as a big threat.

Rating: Three Spectrums.

Extreme Rules Match: Adam Cole vs. Aleister Black

It’s Philadelphia, so of course we need to get EXTREME. We’ll be a good deal less EXTREME than in the days of EXTREME Championship Wrestling, with Kimona Wanalaya DANCING ATOP THE E-C-W ARENA and everyone taking unprotected chairshots to the noggin and doing hot rails of blow off men’s room floors and eventually dying in their 40s, and you know what? I’m OK with that.

Someone on Twitter described Adam Cole as “the prettiest possum in the Denny’s dumpster,” and now that’s all I can think of whenever I see him. Cole is a great scumbag. He is maybe this generation’s Michael P.S. Hayes: just an absolutely wonderful greasy burrito full of hair oil and trouble. Aleister Black, of course, is a spooky necromancer from the most terrifying country of all: Holland.

This is a great clash of styles, in that sense: it’s like glam metal is fighting black metal. Cole is Bang Tango and Black is Abruptum. 

This is a dang barn-burner of a match. They go to work right away, whaling on each other with the detritus of WWE plunder matches: kendo sticks (sorry, Singapore canes: we are in EXTREMEadelphia, after all), flimsy looking trash cans of the sort that I don’t even think are manufactured for home use anymore, ladders, tables, etc. 

Cole gets cut open on what turns out to be his hand, but so much blood is on different parts of his body that at first it’s really hard to tell where it’s coming from. There are some truly insane spots here: two chairs are set up back to back, and Black slams Cole, fireman’s carry-style, onto the tops of the chairs in a bump so painful-looking it practically made MY back hurt. There was a double table spot. There was a crazy ladder bump. These boys went all out, and full marks to Adam Cole, who seemed perfectly fine with dying. 

Robert Fish and Rilo Kiley came out to help their man Cole, but then Sanity came out to even the odds, and eventually Aleister Black hit his finisher (”Black Mass,” which he said on Twitter is named for outer space, l-o-fucking-l) and wins. They have big plans for Black, it seems. Cole will live to dive in other dumpsters.

Rating: Four and a half Spectrums.

p.s. 

In real life, Bang Tango runs circles around any black metal band.

NXT Championship Match: Andrade “Cien” Almas (c) w/Zelina Vega vs. Johnny Gargano

I’ve seen Johnny Gargano in some pretty humble venues: the Swedish-American Social Club in beautiful Bristol, Connecticut. A converted warehouse in Providence, R.I., a week before the Suicide Girls cabaret show had the venue. Mark and I once saw him in some kind of community center in Stratford, Connecticut in front of a crowd of maybe 65 people.

And the thing is, he was great in all those venues. Three years later, Mark and I still talk about how good that match was in Stratford, where Gargano and J.T. Dunn wrestled like they were in Madison Square Garden instead of a room crowded with rows of empty chairs. That’s the kind of wrestler Gargano is: maybe the purest babyface anywhere in North America, he is a guy who treats the business with total commitment and reverence. It’s corny, but he really deserves the nickname “Johnny Wrestling.”

It’s been wild to see that guy - who, even as I marveled at his talent and passion in tiny rooms across southern New England, I figured was way too small to make it in the WWE - emerge, first as a popular tag team wrestler in NXT and now, at the First Philadelphia Union Spectrum, finally as Johnny Gargano, Singles Star.

This was a career-making match: for over 30 minutes, Gargano and Almas demonstrated how good a wrestling match can be in 2018. The crowd could easily have been dead after the fantastic Cole-Crowley showdown, but they were berserk for the entirety of what, in 2018, is an incredibly long match, and justifiably so: the story Gargano, Almas (and Vega, and Candace LeRae) told here was absolutely compelling.

I’ve talked a lot about Gargano, but I don’t want to sell the champ short: he is currently my absolute favorite in NXT and maybe in all of WWE, and it’s amazing to think a year ago he was dead in the water because they had no idea how to use his incredible charisma and skill. Zelina Vega was the secret sauce that made him a main event player, but she wouldn’t be able to do much for a mediocre wrestler: this match was a classic because Almas is one of the best in the world.

There’s no sense getting into moves and counter-moves: the story here was the underdog kid-with-a-dream throwing everything he had at the smarmy champ, and ultimately coming up short. Someone on Twitter said that Gargano sells like a normal human being instead of a pro wrestler, and that’s one of the keys to his appeal, and to why this match worked so well: the expressions of numb shock, agony, and desperation on Gargano’s face were the emotional keystone of the whole thing. In the end, he came up short, and his devastation felt real and earned: a football player watching the season end on a last-second play in the Super Bowl, not an actor in a scripted performance. The fact that Gargano is, in fact, an actor in a scripted performance speaks volumes about his incredible talent. Forget match of the year; this has to be one of the top contenders for best match in the history of NXT.

Finally, the postscript: the cheap shot from Ciampa as the copyright information appeared on the screen. Some people thought this was too much, but to me it was perfect: “Personal Issues Make Money” is a sign that used to hang in the office of the old Memphis territory, and it’s true. Gargano’s chase for the title is ultimately a magnificent sideshow to the story he and Ciampa are telling, and I can’t wait for the next chapter.

Rating: Five Spectrums. All the Spectrums.

[orpheusterminals]

Tobacco and other Consumable Ash Residue, of Cigarettes, Cigars and Pipes for Forensic Criminology by Sherlock Holmes

..I am thinking of writing this book you are reading, I am going to call it:

Tobacco and other Consumable Ash Residue, of Cigarettes, Cigars and Pipes for Forensic Criminology by Sherlock Holmes

The Secrets of the Empire of the Nine, Revealed !

or

( the Further Adventures of Frank Fuckface edited by Iason Ragnar Bellerophon.) 

Part Two: Straight outta The White Feathered Octopus

2017© Tetragrammatron Press

(cue Cavemanrobot holding up the DODECATRON logo, by Biscuit Boy, Britton Walters)

Beautiful Greenberg, Monumenta, New Korpoils, The Untitled Snakes of Assyria, Helios Three, Sol, Milky Way, The Red Universe, Oversoul Seven.

As of right NOW! Here it is…

THAR SHE BLOWS, Tis a piny she’ a whore!

When we last left our hero, Jace the Ace, the original soulseeker, he was sitting on a love seat in a small Ape-artment in Beautiful Greenberg, with his 71 year old one legged father, they had both just spilt a bottle of Gato One Eye Wine, and 40oz. Of magic mushrooms….

A event it was Bellerophon was to term: The White Feathered Octopus.

This is the peak of the movie talking about Danny Kaye in Wonderman!

It explains everything!

Post War World Two, healing would the mind and the heart

The thinker and the clown!

What is this trick photography, YES IT IS!

Two-way ticket, the 4-d man, the clown is the trickerts-

No telling what I can do when I learn the ropes,

Oh what a set up when I wasted all that time living

The secrets of life were solid for a dime (nothing a symbolic boon at best) they offer all the various – lustful, muses each a color of the rainbow, the young lover pulls upon them all, the solution, the soul union, to finding love either getting the man you want to notice you or to find new lover or both is to be polyamorius to play the field, not just with love, Song of Solomon, to play the field of life to explore all the different kinds of being you can be, mother, lover, whore, child, wife, ex-wife, monster, body, object, image. With young man falling before you. That will instill lust in your true love to struggle to then win you, or die trying

The Perpetual Grinning Giantess

Okay, get up, push your hands down on the rug, flip over, on the knees, Arch the back, strech out back, Arch again, PAIN!, tight exhausted doing nothing calf muscle, PAIN!, up on your feet, Broken Wagon wheel feeling, pivot, push forward, thought the apartment, Dad there in his chair so bored, now so delighted that I am coming thought the kitchen over to him. It is maybe 10, I don’t know 10:20? Dad could not wait for me to make coffee, he have has been able to figure out how to use the espresso maker, so instead I see what is left of his Cowboy Coffee.

Recipe for Cowboy Coffee

Two tablespoons of coffee grounds

Pour directly into a small cooking pot

Drop in One Cup of Water

Do not mix!

Heating until boil and continue to boil until contents have boiled over leaving burnt grounds chemically bonded forever in the porcelain stove top

Hysterically pour directly into whatever vessel you can find regardless of cleanliness, the mug you left overnight with 4 or 5 tea bags from last night will work nicely, or the Pyrex measuring cup, or a soup bowl, our take a slightly smaller cooking pot and pour it in there, just do it NOW!

Drop in an ice cube, drop the tray still filled with more ice onto the floor and kick it under the stove.

Add one to fifteen packs of the cheapest imitation sugar to taste

Drink one scalding sip, then let sit till ice cold, then dump into sink.

Piss in the mug, and hide it behind the chair

Forget about it, then a few days from now kick the mug over with enough force to cause it to be smashed to more manageable bits

And That’s Cowboy Coffee, enjoy.

Without saying a word, I go straight into the shower, PAIN! Find the Monkey Wretch we use to turn the hot water on with, the knob fell off a few weeks ago, I would ask the landlord to fix it, but since we are behind in the rent it makes it awkward. PAIN!

Get the water really HOT, turn off the lights, in the in shower, now down onto my knees, pressing my feet hard against the surface of the tub near the drain. PAIN!

Arching my back, arms under my frame for support, pushing and pulling my next, compressing my spine, sucking in my gut, as tight and I can, release and again and again. IN the Dark, IN the Steam, eye shut tight, making a pillow with my hands, how else would anyone make any pillow of any kind without their hands? The inner surface of my eyelids, opens up to a long subterranean florescent hallway, I am following a pleasing figure slightly in front of me, I am enjoying my point of view.

The Perpetual Grinning Giantess, who is a fusion of past girlfriends, a buxom, dark haired beauty with amalgamated features, in a thick tangerine turtle neck, and short pelted wool skirt, with knee high matching Clementine stockings, finds me in a dark corridor and taking my hand leads me down into a takes me to the underground bunker, that I always knew would be at my disposable if I need it. Actually it is a palace, long halls, tapestries, modernist sculptures and fountains.

The Giantess leads me to where the strange weapons, ornate armor, and incomprehensible gizmos, taken from other worlds, are stored. The orange paint job on the concrete brick walls of the armory matches her heaving sweater. And we joke about it. She speaks in a rhythmic sing-song manner with left field code words dovetailing the ends, and cresting the middle of her sentences. It was as if she was trying to teach me a code, or perhaps an alternative language that happened to use the same words as English but with different meanings, or both those things.

Suddenly I notice that there is a book in the back of the armory, behind glass. The giantess explains to me that it was the one last book in this world. All the others were destroyed. It is a thick old fashion book kept enshrined upon a pillow. Making a corny Ray Bradbury joke, I asked if it was Tales of Mystery and Imagination by Edgar Allen Poe.

The Giantess, looked at me with a blank stare and said it was, Tobacco and other Consumable Ash Residue, of Cigarettes, Cigars and Pipes for Forensic Criminology by Sherlock Holmes. As if I was foolish to think it could be any other book.

With a careful single motion she touched a tiny button on the side of the book’s pedestal, and glass, or what I thought was glass, instantly turned to cool steam flying away from the book. The whole bunker filled with a strong whiff of thick dust, that smell that only an old book can provide.

But, what a book! “May I?”

“Jugular! If justice is done, please just be careful, here use these gloves to turn the pages..”

I suppose the closest thing I could compare to the book would be the Voynich manuscript, Which I had been allowed to see when I was a grad student. This book seemed even more cryptic, page after page of elaborate diagrams of smoke, smokers, pipes, hookahs, and the various plants they are harvested from, but text was equally filled with wirework half-see through people, animals, and monsters. All of it appeared to be cross-connected with astronomical bodies; suns, moons, and stars of astronomy and astrology. One series of 78 diagrams depicts unconventional drawings for the zodiacal constellations from around the world ( a Winged Minotaur carrying a giant stone covered in dozen of human eye ball for Taurus, an eight legged centaur with a mane of fire and ice, brandishing a crossbow for Sagittarius, The Vedic Head of the Demon depicted as a man with a puppet on a stick riding a toad, a male and female pair of mere-people in coitis within a golden egg for Pisces, you get the idea).

There where different bevels running down the pages of the text block, so that fingers could easily find categories. In a section that appeared to cover geography I have a dozens different Maps of the earth, the largest of which folded-out in a special section of the book in one dived poster page, gingerly opening my six foot six inches arm span up to reveal a shockingly detailed chart of a planet called Helios Three, in the lower middle right of the map, the entire known land masses of our earth were represented as a tiny chain of islands the size of Hawaii all sharing the label Mundania, surrounded by quaint old timey sea-serpents, mostly hybrids of screaming women with hydra similar to classic allegorical images of Sin personified, in an area called the Internos Ocean, on a awesomely gargantuan orb filled to accommodate vast super-continents with labels that I could roughly translate as Atlemuriatis, Prospero’s Lillblefuscuiput, Ozqbar, and Xanthadu.

I laughed “This is an amazing document, a work of art onto itself, whoever made it really put their all into it, but Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, he is not a real person, it is a common misunderstanding that inspired this Obsessive Prankster.”

The Giantess, saw and raised my laugh, with a slightly perturbed “Blacktail! You have made a blunder!, Doyle, that asshole? He was a puppet, an actor! Adfluxion, the account is full of errors! WE hired him to distract the general populous! I don’t know what Sherlock saw in that empty headed chowderhead, that hapless little man believed in ghosts! Modishly, a mismanaged affair.

I asked her what she meant by that, was there something in the text besides the new revealed to be real Holmes’ study of tobacco ash, she said yes. The she made a joke herself, with a slightly different smile, a sexy twist in the curve of her lips,

she said. “Rollable, your request is unreasonable, I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.”

“Okay, ha!” hoping over to a sturdy looking cot with a rainbow of earth tone striped wool blanket atop it and now under by backside. “ So Holmes, was an actual person, like some sort of Wold Newtonian idea.”

“World Newtonian, Cellar, the cheaper the better?” as she subtly shifted her weight to from on elaborately combat booted basketball size cafe muscle to the other, to align herself askew with a tilt of her solid fetching jawline.

Reaching over and strapping, what I thought were binoculars over my eyes, “No Wold, as in a meteorite which fell in Wold Newton, Yorkshire, England, on December 13, 1795” after a bit of fiddling the switches I found on their side, binoculars warmly activate with a peachy hum. “Which gave rise to an obscured piece of pulp fiction fandom, that plays around with ideas about fictional characters being secretly retold stories of real adventurers.”

A rush of colors and hydrographic information filled my eyes, I was seeing the world based upon the about of water that exist within objects. Glancing over to the book was blank save for tiny dancing golden stars, The Giantess however, towering over me a now a swirling sea of turquoise, teal, and white poured at lightspeed into her skin, with the thickness and shape of a clear emerald old timey cola bottle now slightly larger than human scale, with faint flakes of tulip and melon pulsating at constellations filled with a zoo of tiny totem creatures, where her organs must be, as flares shoot off from the end points of her circulation. What was once and will soon again be her hand reaches over to my face, thousands of carnation and cream carrousels being patrolled by squadrons of invisible sea lions, swim up through her fingertips. She looked like one of the drawings in the manuscript, only brought into shock clarity. I thought to tell her, but I figured she must already know that.

“He called it a supernova of genetic splendor”.

Pulling the hydroculars off my face, with a genteel grimace, her ample right breast brushing against my raised up left knee for an ecstatic second, “Who is He? And where did you hear about this?”

“Oh sorry, I did that classic male thing, and just spoke as if you could read my mind! He is Philip Jose Farmer, that writer I told you about before, he put forth the idea that the meteorite was radioactive and caused beneficial genetic mutations in those exposed to it. That is the fun in Farmer, he plays fast and loose with the facts working them into his fiction. It really could have been anything, ties in with The Golden Fleece, Holy Grail, Super Solider Serum, a oddball device so that heroes can be spawned from mortal men, gives the reader, the slimmest of chances that there might be a….”

“Mustard Seed of Truth?” she completed the words for me, then added “Enringed, the news causes great excitement!”

As my eye re-adjusts to the cold light of the room, I ask myself if I really needed to start talking about pulp fiction fandom, and related nonsense, along with rattling off way too much information to a kind girl that is just being sweet and listening, because your starting to date one another.

The Professor, The Know it All, those are strong impulses in me, I think it is a direct result of feeling stupid in school, being labeled “learning disabled”, knowing that you are smart, but being treated like you have shit for brains, brings out the need to prove it, prove hard and fast. When you’re a larger man than average, it does not help either, people will just assume that if you are big, and my big I mean fat and tall, that you are also mentally retarded.

Such is life, right, we all have our crosses to bear, even a Bear.

But I am who I am and that stuff is important to me, the sabertooth is out of the bag.

Pushing a series of thin sliver bracelet up her wrist, “Well, actually Sherlock was just his code name, No Holmes was real! Expect was really your ancestor, Dr. Joseph Bell, who hand picked Doyle when, he had worked for Bell as a clerk at the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.”

“The E.R.I.?” making a joke, as if I was already familiar with so random war hospital, “Whoa, there sunshine, what are you talking about? huunnnnunun!” I said with my nervous laugh dancing up behind my words. “Why, would he do that? For what purpose?” pushing pass her, walking about over to the book again.

“In order that to better hide the knowledge, of course!. If it were not for him and the wisdom he encoded in this book all would be lost! If this book fell into the hands of most people they would think it was perhaps a prop from a theatrical production, or the ravings of a nutjob at best. Probably the poor soul would just burn it for kindling.”

The great burden of it all on her face, a afternoon shadow falling indoors onto hard wood floors.

“ That is why you are here, Jason, it is all here in the book, ever wonder why you would even know about some hairbrained pastime like that Fig Newton, or whatever you called that Grail stone! To get you ready for this day, this moment everyday there are new entries on the blank pages, new diagrams, new recipes! He did something to the ink, so that it would appear bit by bit, as if it is a clock, the book is alive and has a time delay for information. So far I have figured out that much, and that when he is talking about smoke is does not mean smoke, he means the residue of activity all human activity, and maybe other forms of higher and lower life. It is too much to handle, We need you to work with me on recording it all down, interrupting it, figure out how to use it. .”

The adventure suit was scarlet, and goldenrod, with cyan tiger stripe in artful placment…..

[mst3kproject]

Phantom from Space

I fear nobody in this movie was ever on MST3K.  In fact, nobody in this movie ever appears to have been in anything, period – Ted Cooper, who plays the hero, spent most of his career doing game shows, and Noreen Nash's greatest accomplishment in life was being 1942's Miss Apple Blossom.  Director W. Lee Wilder did do Killers from Space, which was almost an MST3K movie, and The Snow Creature, a crummy Yeti movie that I'll probably review someday.  Rather than any of the cast or crew, what drew me to this film was that it features an invisible alien.  In the words of Joel, they were too cheap to hire villains.

Opening narration tells us about an incoming UFO.  The government sends people out to find the crash site.  Meanwhile, the police begin investigating a series of odd incidents, including two murders and an explosion – but all the witnesses keep describing a man in a diving helmet, with no head visible through the faceplate!  Before long the two investigations come together, as everybody realizes they're tracking a homocidal invisible alien.  This creature is plenty difficult enough to find as long as he has his indestructible spacesuit on.  Once he takes it off, however, they may never see him again, and he'll be free to kill.

Wow, that sounds like a way more exciting movie than the one I just watched.  Phantom from Space is difficult to sit through, but easy to come up with sketches and riffs about.  The antenna on top of the tracking vehicle looks like a Christmas tree, a scientist suggests that the reason the alien is invisible is because it's made of glass, and I can see Mike and the bots having a great time with the fact that the titular Phantom is naked for half the movie.  “Oh my god, his invisible butt cheeks are all over their leather seats!”  “Augh!  I'm staring right into his invisible area!”  Maybe Tom and Crow would become paranoid that there's an invisible man on the satellite and try to find a way to flush him out... possibly literally.  I can also see them urging the cast looking for the alien to “just follow the theremin!”, since that's the sound that we hear every time it's implicitly onscreen.

The beginning of the movie is just a mess.  First we have the narration and the inevitable accompanying stock footage, which seems to go on far too long.  Then, instead of getting to the action, we have the police investigation – this comes complete with suspects, annoying reporters, and so forth, and also takes way too long. Then there's the old guy with the malfunctioning TV set. Then there's the night watchman at the oil company!  These events are all supposed to establish patterns and make us worried about the alien but the whole segment needed to be cut down to about half its length, especially as very few of the characters we meet here are remotely relevant to the plot when it finally arrives, twenty-two minutes into a seventy-five minute film!

The plot of Phantom from Space sure takes its sweet time getting started, and even once it finds its feet it's really not a taut thriller, but it does give us plenty to think about.  With the exception of Wakeman the reporter, the characters we meet are pretty reasonable people: there's Dr. Wyatt the vaguely German astronomer, his assistant Barbara Randall, her husband Bill, their dog Venus, and a couple of cops and secret agents... and of course, there's the alien.  This being, which the human characters refer to as 'the Phantom', is never quite a character in its own right – but once we actually meet it, it also ceases to be a monster.

It's a real shame the opening sequences are so elongated and dull, because an audience who's falling asleep isn't going to pay attention to what's really the smartest thing in the movie.  The various witnesses who have seen the Phantom up to this point speak of it as a huge, intimidating thing that inspired great fear.  The first time we get a look at it for ourselves, however, it is scrambling back and forth on a rooftop, terrified and confused and desperate to escape from the humans who are closing in on it like a pack of wolves.  It's so frightened that it's forced to take a deep breath and take off its spacesuit so it cannot be seen.  This is more or less an act of suicide.  Events that follow will demonstrate that the Phantom cannot survive more than a few hours without the suit – taking it off ensures the wearer's short-term survival by sacrificing the long-term variety.

Up until this moment, the human characters have been speculating about the possible motives of their unknown visitor.  Is the Phantom a Soviet saboteur?  A thrill killer?  The vanguard of an invading army?  A few seconds in the creature's company show the audience that it has no plan.  It's not thinking ahead to more than the next couple of minutes, and its fear leads it to make mistakes.  Removing the suit ensured that the humans couldn't find it at the beach, but the Phantom must then accompany them to Griffith Observatory and try to get its stuff back, not an easy task with the police still looking for it.

Once they've actually made contact with the alien, the human characters quickly come to the same conclusion, but once the spacesuit disintegrates, there's really no hope for the Phantom to make it off our planet alive.  Instead, it begins trying to communicate in some kind of numerical code, but nobody can understand what it's trying to say.  In the end, Earth's toxic atmosphere overwhelms the Phantom, and it briefly becomes visible before disintegrating, leaving the humans with no idea what to do next.

The movie doesn't have much by way of special effects, but the evaporating alien isn't awful.  We see his body, which is made up and lit in such a way that it looks like its made of stone rather than flesh (tying in with Dr. Wyatt's earlier suggestion that the creature's biology is based on silicon rather than carbon), and then we see subtle hints of the skeleton as the whole thing seems to boil away into mist.  It's not fancy, but it's also not corny, and for a movie with such an obvious low budget, this is a very nice moment indeed.

The script is also quite respectful of its main female character, Barbara Randall.  As soon as she's introduced we are immediately told she will be something other than a useless love interest, because she is Mrs Randall, thank you very much.  She is the first to attempt any sort of contact with the Phantom and she behaves in a very sensible fashion.  Although she's terrified and does do some screaming and fainting, for the most part she keeps her wits about her and seizes the opportunity to learn something.  Locked in a room with the creature, she tells Bill to go for help rather than trying to break her out himself.  She recognizes that the Phantom is trying to communicate and writes down the sequence of numbers he taps out, hoping somebody more familiar with mathematics will understand it. And she is the first to notice that the dog is aware of the alien, and tries to take advantage of this fact.

Make no mistake, Phantom from Space is a very bad movie – it would be much better if somebody cut down the first third or so, but it still wouldn't be great.  It does, however, seem to be a story with a lot of thought put into it.  It never really resolves the situation it sets up, since we never find out what the Phantom was trying to tell us or whether we can expect to see more of him, but that doesn't feel like a disappointment.  The main arc of the movie, from the opening with the flying saucer sightings, was the humans simply trying to figure out what the hell is going on, and at the end they know.  Future consequences of the night's events simply aren't important at this point.

It's a story with no villain.  As audience and cast quickly realizes, the Phantom is only trying to survive on an alien world, with few resources and hopelessly lost, outnumbered, and outgunned. The humans themselves, from the scientists to the cops to the annoying reporter, all are just trying to do their jobs as best they can with the available information.  It's also a story with no hero. There's no single main character, and it's the group working together who manage to collectively learn something about the nature of the universe.  Like First Spaceship on Venus, this is a movie about ideas rather than people, though it's far clumsier about it.

The big idea writer Myles Wilder wants to explore is that of alien contact.  In most movies of the fifties, and frankly even a lot of movies of today, aliens either come in firing lasers at us, or else just speak English from the get-go.  Wilder tries to do something different by showing us an alien who is as unprepared for us as we are for it.  How do you communicate with something when you don't even know if you have common ground with it, let alone what that might be?  Scientists from the beginning of SETI have suggested that mathematics is a universal language, but what kind of mathematics?  Dr. Wyatt points out that the Phantom's message may be couched in a form of math we haven't discovered yet.  In the end, the alien's pleas for help – if that's indeed what they were – fall on deaf ears, not because the humans don't want to help it, but because we simply cannot understand what it is trying to say. That's a pretty neat idea to make a movie about, and could have made for a far better one than Phantom from Space.

If you're interested in the idea of using math to communicate with extraterrestrials, and the pitfalls we might experience along the way, there's a couple of really interesting SETI Talks lectures about it available on YouTube.  Dr. Kevin Devlin argues that math is a product of the human brain and may not be as universal as we think, and Dr. John Stillwell demonstrates some rather obscure ways of thinking about numbers that may be more natural to aliens than they are to us.