#the blogchelor

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Nine aka Hometowns to Bonetowns, feat. Fence

Here’s What Happened Monday

Ah, Fantasy Suites. In a more normal season, this would be the one night where a man could sleep with three different girlfriends and it would be considered an important emotional exploration discernment milestone and not an STD breakout waiting to happen.

But this is Colton, who has never done the rumpy-pumpy, but plans to so long as he can fall squarely in love by EOD.

But this is also the famed Fence episode, so we know coming into it that the only gal Colton will be straddling tonight is seven feet tall and bolted to the property.

Tayshia’s One-On-One

For the only no-drama moment of the night, Colton flies Tayshia to a rocky Portuguese cliff edge where he lays down a thin sheet that cannot possibly be comfortable to sit on and tells Tayshia that he’s falling in love with her. He repeatedly cracks self-deprecating virgin jokes, in part to remind us of what’s at stake, and in part to shed some of his excess dignity in advance of what’s to come.

At dinner, Tayshia attempts to communicate the importance of intimacy and fidelity while her boob tape attempts to Janet Jackson her on television. The surprise nip slip provides enough levity in the moment to earn Tayshia an invitation to the Fantasy Suite, where she and Colton hope to – how shall I say this – do the inaugural greased-weasel tango.

But be it the wine, or a shy weasel, or the reasonable sense that losing his virginity in a nationally televised closed-door ceremony would be the worst possible way to do it, Colton and Tayshia share a long night of passion conversation-making and nothing more.

Cassie’s One-On-One

And then, Cassie. Oh, Colton follows Cassie and all her multiple sweaters around Portugal like a heart-eyes puppy man while Cassie tries her damnedest to appear as if she’s equally as into him. Colton doesn’t make it any easier when he casually slips in the revelation that Cassie’s father did not give his permission for marriage, and Cassie hits full-blown existential crisis mode.

At that moment, somewhere in California, Cassie’s father’s dad-scenes start tingling, so he flies to Portugal to tell Cassie that the right kind of love depends on The Know, and if she knew she’d know, ya know?

Thus Cassie marches to Colton’s hotel room to tell him that she’s not in love with him, but that she likes him in a way that two people can reasonable like each other after only six weeks, but that she can’t get engaged next week, but that she doesn’t want to leave him yet, but that she’s going to risk her brain melting if she doesn’t get off the couch and go barf on a producer’s shoes soon.

The Fence’s One-On-One

Colton tells Cassie that he “fucking loves her” and starts shaking so hard that his mic makes him sound like he’s having an emotional breakdown while sitting on a washing machine. It’s not enough to keep Cassie around though. She leaves, citing confusion, and Colton charges back to his room.

He collects his wallet, punches a cameraman whom he’s probably friends with, and heads straight for the now internet-famous fence. He jumps said fence, the same way he does on the unfulfilling trailers for every episode thus far, while a producer calls for someone to get Chris Harrison.

Chris Harrison, apparently the only man who can help in this situation, opens the clearly unlocked fence, looks for Colton for two minutes, declares him gone forever, and rushes back to place his hand on a bible and be sworn in as acting Bachelor. By law he is next in line to complete the duties of The Bachelor and thus must marry Tayshia or Hannah G.

And Now, A Moment Of Silence For All The Euphemisms I Didn’t Get To Use In The Least Sexy Fantasy Suites Episode Of All Time

Do the struggle snuggle

Dance the forbidden polka

Pump the paternal piston

Compete in the pants off dance off

Launch the meat missile

Plant the parsnip

Oscillate the unmentionables

Route an email to a spam folder

Sweep the cobwebs with the womb broom

[helltore-a]

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT  !

      Everybody ,  suit the fuck up !!   

       You’re all invited to the  THE BLOGCHELOR  premiere tonight at i-am-still-debating-what-time GMT+8 Perth Aus ,  featuring the first  FIVE BLOGS  that replied to my beta call ages ago.  If you miss it ,  worry not because I’m putting the reblogs on queue.  I believe that a fresh perspective from a co - roleplayer can help one to grow and improve their writing and medium in telling their stories through their characters ,  be it about content ,  blog aesthetic ,  and the simplest details you think no one notices but they do and  IT MATTERS  .  This premiere to greet the new year can also be a test drive if you will be willing to join the next batch of blogchelors and blogchellorettes or you just enjoy reading the truest ,  no bias good or not so good tea since i’m genuine and sincere in whatever i will say in the most tactful language i can ever write of.

        See you soon.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Women Tell All

Here’s What Happened Tuesday

A montage of ugly crying, a top row of unknown women, and the following conversations... 

***

Chris Harrison: What did you like about Colton?

Hannah B: Pecs.

Onyeka: Pecs.

Demi: His conquerable virginity.

***

Catherine, a DJ from Florida: I was there for the right reasons.

Everyone: Your entire existence is the wrong reasons.

***

Onyeka: Nicole, you talked trash on everyone.

Nicole: I’ve never said a mean word about anyone.

Caitlyn: Yeah but –

Nicole: You shut the nuts up you turdface hoebag.

***

Chris Harrison: So Caelynn…

Caelynn: So Chr–  

Katie: You disgusting liar.  

***

Chris Harrison: Demi, recap all your drama.

Demi: Gladly.

Courtney: You are, and will forever be, the bane of my existence.

Demi: Stop flirting with me.

***

Hannah B: Just smile and nod, just smile and nod, just –  

Chris Harrison: Hannah? We can hear you, Hannah.

Hannah B: …

Chris Harrison: …

Hannah B: *smiles and nods*

***

Chris Harrison: Watch these clips of your heart getting broken.

Caelynn: I’d rather not.

Chris: Shhhh, this is the best part, look at how hard you’re crying. So devasting.

***

Chris Harrison: Still think Colton’s a virgin? Well, folks, you’re about to get the answer you’ve been waiting for. Up next, I will deflower The Bachelor right on this stage.

Colton: Wait what?

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Ten Part One aka Buy One Breakup Get Two Free

Here’s What Happened Monday

A Bachelor on the run. A gut-wrenching breakup, and then another. A chance at redemption. A cliffhanger ending. Chris Harrison’s continued obsession with the status of Colton’s genitals.

Let’s dive in.

Bachelor AWOL

There’s an eerie silence that settles in the wake of devastation, accentuated only by the smattering of noises left over, natural only to the place as it was before and utterly unnatural after. It’s quiet now. Colton has jumped the fence, swallowed at once by the Portuguese darkness. A dog that wasn’t barking five minutes ago when Cassie was dumping Colton is now barking in the distance. Cameramen shuffle down dirt streets, their equipment jangling; minivans rev their engines as producers coalesce makeshift search parties. Chris Harrison pulls his quarter zip down a bit, obviously becoming increasingly aroused as the drama unfolds.

After several moments of tense, breathless, jagged shots of nothing, our convoy finds Colton walking in the gutter of a street, determined in his stride but aimless in his intent. Chris Harrison stops him and asks him if this escape means that he is finished. Colton confirms that he can no longer be The Bachelor. He feels he is simply not enough.

As Colton resigns to cry in a minivan, the camera zooms out to reveal a live studio audience watching the very same footage. In the shocked silence that follows, Chris Harrison poses the question we all, too, are certainly wondering: but what of his virginity?

Colton’s Farewell Tour Stops at Tayshia’s

The broken shell of our Colton still understands his sense of righteous duty to his two remaining lovers. In his pain he knows he must not merely suffer, but he must also inflict.

In deep emotional turmoil, Colton shows up at Tayshia’s door. She is beaming, glowing, the Portuguese air and several weeks’ worth of abstinence doing her skin wonders. Wasting no time, Colton reveals to Tayshia that he loves Cassie. Ever aware of the gaze of the cameras, Tayshia holds her smile as the information slowly seeps through the surface.

She asks Colton to speak inside, closes the doors to the film crew, and comforts her freshly-ex-boyfriend as he breaks down. She internalizes his pain as her own, apologizes into the void, and breaks down too. After Colton leaves, we see Tayshia wrap her arms around her knees and whisper, “it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” to herself alone. She don’t need no man to comfort her, but she also doesn’t have one.

Hannah G and The Opposite of a Fantasy Suite

Ravaged now by one dumping taken and one giveth, Colton shows up next to Hannah G’s room. He in his blue polka dots, she in her red crop top, we brace for a true Americana heartbreak. Considering Hannah G thought Colton was showing up for her Fantasy Suite, it’s lucky that Hannah G opened the door wearing anything at all.

When Colton reveals his love for Cassie, Hannah’s shock and deflation are palpable. Colton tells her he always thought it would be her. That she still reminds him of home. That he makes her better. “It’s what I do,” Hannah G replies, “I make everyone better and they don’t want to stick around.”

Hannah G blots her tears with her Fantasy Suite manicure until Colton leaves, then begins to pack her suitcase. A fellow consultant texts me, “watching her pack that suitcase was hard. Not emotional, but like, terrible space management in that suitcase.”

Outside, Colton cries into a producer’s arms.

Meanwhile, In The Studio…

Tayshia and Hannah G show up in their best make-him-regret-it outfits and confront Colton about why he did what he did. I’m sure he had answers, but I couldn’t pay attention due to the situation with his hair. It was obviously longer, to show the passage of time, but it was, what? Blow dried? Straightened? It’s usually curly but today it was not, just another emotionally upsetting factor we will not be able to reconcile tonight.

But Wait, There’s Tomorrow

Back in Portugal, Colton tells us it’s over. Cassie packs her room and tells us she won’t hold Colton from finding something special. She closes her suitcase and walks out the door.

But then Colton and his new purple shirt decide to fight to get Cassie back. He knocks on her door and she answers, even though we just saw her walk out that door with her suitcases. It is a major continuity error that we will have to ignore in the pursuit of believing in something. Something like love. Something like redemption. Something like Colton showering to get his hair back to normal.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week One aka Chaste Alien Man Discovered On Earth

Welcome back, Blogchelor Nation. Sorry I’m late – I needed a full week of meditative deep breathing to prepare to watch Colton Underwood be The Bachelor. In case anyone needs a refresher on who Colton is, he’s a 26-year-old former professional football player who looks like a Golden Retriever and in general loves dogs so much that I’m not convinced ABC isn’t subtly pushing a bestiality subplot. Colton is also a virgin, which – much like being black or sexually abused or coming from a broken family, if you’re on The Bachelor – is the easily exploitable aspect of his existence that will be treated as alien for the next several weeks.

Let’s Meet The Women, All of Whom Are Roughly Twenty-Two Years Old

Cassie is a sexy surfer girl who sometimes wears clothes to color with children.

Hannah is Miss Alabama who has kissed boys before but not too many, says Hannah.

Caelynn is Miss North Carolina and will be attempting to shank Miss Alabama in the showers later.

Heather has never kissed any boys but already has a framed photoshopped photo of her and Colton in her home.

Nicole lives in Miami and really struggles because it’s hard to be so undeniably attractive while living in Miami. She shows her whole family photos of Colton on the internet and demands that they share specifics on the ways that they, too, find him sexually attractive.

Kirpa is one of those dental hygienists who asks you non-rhetorical questions while she’s holding tiny knives in your mouth.

Demi is self-described as “hot-doggin’ for Colton, vroom vroom” which I think is redneck for interested.

Tayeisha is a phlebotomist which makes me giggle as I do not know what a phlebotomist is but sounds like a Harry Potter occupation.

Sydney quit her job to go on The Bachelor so I would say her most compelling quality is unemployed.

Caitlyn stabs a cherry-shaped balloon which is supposed to be cute but reads slightly menacing.

Courtney is a “sweet Georgia peach” and brings a peach with her on the off change that Colton doesn’t understand the reference.

Alex D. arrives in a sloth costume and takes forty minutes to deliver the line “I heard you like to take things slow” while Colton politely waits for it to be over, much like a birthday boy waiting for the happy birthday song to be over, or the sweet release of death, or whatever else comes first.

Tracy arrives in a police car as a strong-armed way to tell Colton she approves of his outfit.

So many women arrive in sequins they just get introduced as “those girls in sequins.”

Bri is Australian and also a pathological liar.

Jane brings pictures of her dogs to seal the deal, until Catherine actually brings a live dog that wants zero to do with Colton and gets fur all over his bespoke suit. Catherine, by the way, is a DJ from Florida a la Manny Jacinto from The Good Place. She is also Corinne Lite.

Onyeka casually remarks, “Colton is a snack and Mama is ready to eat,” because that is a thing that is casually remarked in 2019. She has beef with Catherine within twelve minutes.

Erin arrives in a Cinderella carriage, and the girl who brought peanuts immediately realizes she could have done better.

Hannah G. is a “content creator” from Alabama and gives Colton an empty box to let him know she’s thinking about his genitals. She later makes out with him and wins the first impression rose.

 Miscellaneous

Colton, boy-genius, has this conversation with Chris Harrison: “I still remember my first walk-up.” “What happened?” “I don’t remember.”

Just as a reminder, getting high on bath salts and breaking into someone’s home and melting cheese on all their Christmas ornaments is a crime. Being a virgin is not. Have a great week y’all.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Eight aka Wary Dads Galore

Here’s What Happened Monday

Ah, Hometowns: making dads uncomfortable since 1842.

For those of you who don’t know, the Hometowns episode is when The Bachelor travels to each of the final four’s homes, meets their families, and asks for permission to marry all four daughters.  

In a bizarre twist, when The Bachelor is a sincere but dopey 26-year-old and not a greasy but smooth-talking 40-year-old, the fathers tend to be more cautious in relinquishing their daughters to an inherently doomed matrimony. Huh.

Caelynn’s Hometown @ Fredericksburg, VA

Admittedly I am not well-versed in the state representation qualification requirements of the Miss America pageant, but somehow Miss North Carolina grew up, mysteriously, in Virginia. Caelynn and Colton don their sleekest leather blazers and take a horse and carriage to rub ice cream on each other’s faces and chat in the woods of Fredericksburg.

Later, in weather that looks inappropriate for an outdoor barbecue, every member of the family reminds Caelynn and Colton that this arrangement is, respectfully, bonkers. Caelynn’s mom and stepdad both try to warn them against rushing, but with the pressure of the lights and the contractual obligations and Caelynn’s flattery (“you’re my real dad,” *wounded animal dad noises*), both fold and grant their blessing.

Hannah G’s Hometown @ Birmingham, AL

Hannah G. takes Colton to Southern Gentleman lessons, which, considering this is Alabama, I would have expected to involve learning how to resist the urge to make out with your hottest cousin. But instead, Colton learns to walk with books on his head and eat confusingly tiny bites of bread. Colton, a professional sports machine, excels at the posture challenge but struggles to control his primordial urge to – how should I say this – use hand, stuff food in food hole, grunt grunt.

Later, Colton meets Hannah G’s family – a standard-fare dad and a mother who looks like the Mrs. Doubtfire version of Hannah G. Both play the skepticism card for the requisite thirty seconds before granting permission for a stranger to wed their daughter, take her to LA, then sell the exclusive rights to their breakup story to People Magazine.

Tayshia’s Hometown @ Orange County, CA

Tayshia takes Colton skydiving, either because their bungee jumping one-on-one in Week Four sparked a newfound adrenaline addiction or because this Hometown was Tayshia’s opportunity to say, “hold my beer.” Nothing to see here really, except Colton jumping from a plane while contemplating the potential reality of dying before ever using his wiener.

Meeting her parents, Colton must answer to Tayshia’s father on his use of the L-word. Does he know what love means? (No.) Is he saying this to other girls? (Yes.) Does Tayshia know that? (She has probably watched the show before.) Colton asks for her father’s permission, and her father tells him to stick it where the sun don’t shine while shaking his hand probably a little too hard.

Tayshia also has to answer to her dad, telling him she would know if there were red flags (even here, on a show where she and twenty other girls are granted a weekly flower to signify sufficient continued matchmaking). Her dad cautions her that “you can’t microwave relationships” but that he trusts her, and grants Colton permission before he leaves. Boo.

Cassie’s Hometown @ Huntington Beach, CA

Cassie takes Colton surfing. Colton is quite bad at surfing.

Colton describes Cassie as “the perfect balance of sexy and cute,” which is a line he stole directly from Crazy Stupid Love.

Cassie has I think twelve sister-clones, a mother who might be 30, and a father who definitely keeps guns in the house. Cassie’s parents know what we know: Cassie isn’t ready for marriage, Cassie herself knows she isn’t ready for marriage, Colton knows Cassie isn’t ready for marriage but still wants to ask permission for the marriage she isn’t ready for. Cassie’s dad is unwilling to budge on this topic, and Colton leaves without permission and likely with a hit put out on him.

The Rose Ceremony

Our final four stand ballgowned in front of their Bachelor firing squad, armed with only three roses by way of invitation to the boning episode.

Hannah G gets a rose, Tayshia gets a rose, then best friends Caelynn and Cassie exchange glances of utter shock before Colton dispenses the last rose to Cassie. Colton walks Caelynn out to a bench where Colton offers zero explanation and Caelynn sobs until she’s taken away in the rejection truck. It sucks, and everybody hates it.

The end.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Two aka Thirty, Flirty, and Ancient

Here’s What Happened Monday

The first date card arrives at the Bachelor mansion, and the task of reading the card aloud to the group is given to one of the girls who can read. The date is a group date where Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman lead the charge of sharing stories about boning people to a live audience.

The women’s own stories have a little bit of everything: romance, drama, frat house hoeing, and – in the case of the girl who jumps off the stage and sticks her tongue in Colton’s mouth – horror.

After dinner, tongue girl – we’ll call her Demi, since that’s her name – gets yelled at by Old Woman Tracey, 31, for controversially touching the date rose before it’s time. Meanwhile, Christina Hendricks Lite, also 31, reveals that all the women over 26 refer to themselves as “the Cougar Den.” In other completely unrelated news, I just filed for AARP.

 The First One-On-One

Hannah B, aka Miss Alabama, goes on a solo date with Colton. When asked to make a toast, or to say a sentence, or make any words at all, a petrified Hannah remembers her pageantry training: when in doubt, flash those pearly whites and say “wow, birthday!” If Colton, of all people, is concerned that you have no substance, that’s probably not a good sign.  

Later, on a ship, Hannah apologizes for being shy – citing the reason of… birthday – then demands to know why Colton’s a virgin. They make out.

 The Second Group Date

It’s a camp-themed outdoorsy thing, complete with ketchup and mustard colored team outfits and Billy Eichner genuinely interrogating Colton on the plausibilitiy that he’s gay. Ya know, like camp.

Later, on a couch, Heather tells Colton that she’s also a virgin and has never kissed anyone before. Colton tells her that he would never want her to feel ashamed for something like that and treats her with genuine dignity and respect. As far as The Bachelor goes, it’s a pretty fucked up moment.

Later, to bring us back to the show we know and love, Demi dons a robe and steals Colton away from Old Woman Tracey and massages him, fully clothed, on an unmade trundle bed. Tracey cries.

 The Rose Ceremony

A whole bunch of broads go home and we don’t know the names of any of them. 

People who stay: Demi and Tracey, Miss Alabama, Miss North Carolina, at least four Hannahs.

 Miscellaneous

Elyse winning the group date rose then wearing a hoodie with roses all over it in the mansion the next day is a bad bitch move that I deeply respect.

Hannah B has no idea what Arizona is.

The last line is the best one: Megan Mullally looks straight through that fourth wall and tells Colton, “It’s nice to be here in the beginning before you’re a basket case.”

Spin off idea: Megan Mullally is The Bachelorette and Nick Offerman is one of the contestants and they just make out constantly in front of all the other dudes. 

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Six aka The Bloodbath

Here’s What Happened Monday

Surprising goodbyes, unsurprising goodbyes, snitches, stitches, sea urchins?, so much smooching, Demi’s horrible laugh, mixed martial arts, a phone call with an ex-con, a substantial increase in the general occurrence of crying. Let’s dive in.

The Rose Ceremony

There comes a time in every Bachelor’s journey when he must decide whether the two girls intent on burying each other should be mercilessly cut at a Rose Ceremony or flown to a remote location and left in an outdoor canopy on a two-on-one date. Colton, making terrible entertainment value choices, opts for the former. Onyeka and Nicole are relieved of their duties; America breathes anew.

The First One-On-One

Colton takes Hannah G to a lovely Vietnamese massage parlor, wherein the lovebirds begin dry humping almost immediately. They make out before they put on their massage robes. They make out after. They make out on the table while their faces are covered in goop that they should probably not ingest. They make out while swaddled in banana leaves.

Honestly, they are so overtly inappropriate in this respectable place of business that all the employees just leave for the day. Colton and Hannah G proceed to make out in a mud bath that may have been a waste bucket, but no one was there to tell them otherwise. They make out in the shower, at least one sanitary choice.

They also make out at dinner after a story about Hannah G’s mom driving a truck through her dad’s yard. That’s not even a euphemism, but it still sufficiently revs them.

I’m exhausted.

The Group Date

The women face off in bouts of Vovinam, Vietnamese-style martial arts. The first two rounds are a blur of whipping ponytails and deeply unprofessional giggling. The third round is Demi getting her ass kicked by a grown woman and growling in embarrassed frustration. Colton cannot wait to go drink.

And Colton really needs a drink by the time Sydney confronts him and demands to know why he’s not as into her as the other girls. And then he really, really needs a drink by the time Demi suggests that they call her mom who just got released from prison.

And for the pièce de résistance of this terrible group date: Sydney elects to give Colton a taste of his own medicine, electing to depart and leaving Colton with the advice to figure out which of the remaining girls are the good ones and which are the doofuses.

The Second One-On-One

It’s Kirpa, the girl no one remembered existed until she showed up last week with a mystery band-aid on her face. As a reminder, if someone falls off a rock trying to take a selfie and has to get stitches in a Thai urgent care, and that event gets zero airtime, it likely doesn’t bode well for Lady Scarface.

Colton and Kirpa discuss Sydney’s departure at length then take a boat out to fish for sea urchins, because nothing spells budding romance like talking about a recent breakup (read: twelve hours ago) and hunting for creatures that look like spikey ocean ballsacks.

We learn at dinner that Kirpa was engaged before to another virgin. Colton thinks that’s pretty neat.

Meanwhile, In Demi Land…

Demi takes a page out of the Corinne Olympios book of ill-advised ventures and knocks on Colton’s door late at night. With cameras rolling and her eyebrows perfectly penciled (I mean a true Picasso with a brow brush, give the girl that), Demi sits Colton down on his couch and tells him she’s falling in love with him.

It’s a strategic move: it either goes well and she wins a steamy make out, or it doesn’t and she gets a dramatic exit early enough to avoid the embarrassment of Hometowns but far enough into the season to secure a spot on Paradise. Colton, who does not share her sentiment, opts to grant her Option Two. Before her tearful goodbye, Demi warns Colton that there are still others left who are not ready for engagement, as seems sensible to all people except Colton. Bye Demi.

The Rose Ceremony

Katie gets more screen time getting kicked off the show than she does the rest of the season, and uses her remaining breath to tell Colton, for the third time tonight, not to fall for the girls who might just be there for Instagram fame and not a 90-day fiancé. It is at this moment that Colton begins panic-crying, and I suspect he will not stop until this season is over, or possibly into his mid-30s.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Five aka Thai Misadventures and the Bandaid of Mystery

Here’s What Happened Monday

We’re in Thailand for an episode full of water-logged make outs, snakes, tearful goodbyes, hurtful accusations, profuse sweat, and a bandage on Kirpa’s chin that will never be explained.

The First One-On-One

Heather, a 23-year-old bottle blonde from California, is thrilled to win the first one-on-one with Colton. Heather has never kissed before, and fully plans to remediate that situation as soon as the opportunity arises to navigate her tongue squarely into his mouth.

Finding that opportunity proves to be difficult, as Colton’s mouth is occupied by gaping at monkeys and slurping pad Thai. Undeterred, Heather remains laser focused on them lips.

At dinner, Heather explains that for her first kiss she doesn’t need an occasion or a husband or fireworks. But despite her earnest wishes, Heather’s first kiss is very much an occasion involving the man she’s competing to make her husband under a sky full of well-timed fireworks. It’s almost as if someone planned it.

Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch…

While Colton is on his one-on-one with Heather and the rest of the girls are getting wine drunk in leggings, Elyse puts on a full face of makeup, a senior prom updo, and a sheer white ballgown and storms out the door to find her man.

She tells Colton she can’t handle him dating other girls anymore and decides to leave before the journey becomes more painful. I suppose if you know you’re going to slobber cry on national television, you might as well look like a sexy Alaskan bride while you show him what he can’t have.

The Group Date

It’s jungle safari day in Thailand which involves shapeless hiking pants and probably malaria. Colton, who claims to want a wife who can handle adventure, immediately wets his pants when his jungle guide hands him a snake.

The women’s challenge is to forage for food and bring back their findings. Nicole, Onyeka, and Sydney find grubs and worms. Tayshia finds Colton’s tongue. Hannah B, Hannah G, and Demi find a golf cart that takes them to a hotel for burgers and champagne. Hard to say who wins.

But we can safely say Nicole doesn’t win. Later, at the drinking portion of the evening, Onyeka tells Colton that Elyse told her that Nicole told someone that she’s only here to get out of Miami. It likely took Nicole less time to get out of Miami than it took for that story to make it back to Colton. Several people cry.

The Second One-On-One

Cassie – the hottest speech pathologist slash Instagram model on earth – joins Colton on a janky Thai rescue boat that eventually abandons them on a tiny patch of sand in the middle of the ocean for hours of uninterrupted water smooching.

Later, they talk about public sex shaming (or non-sex shaming, on Colton’s part), but my god is that boring so they find a bed for more smooching.

The Rose Ceremony

As a reminder, the Cocktail Party is the time before the Rose Ceremony where the girls have one last chance to make an impression before a few are let go and everyone has different last-ditch tactics for getting Colton’s attention. Tayshia brings Colton to light a floating lantern in the moonlight, because nothing says symbolic romantic gestures like environmental pollution. Kirpa and her mystery bandage try to brush Colton’s teeth. 

Nicole and Onyeka talk shit on each other to Colton while sweating on close-zoom. Then they fight directly with each other, while Colton moderates. 

And… nada. We’ll have to wait until next week to see Colton decide to send himself home.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelor Week Seven aka Rumored Bachelorettential Exploratory Committees and Also Margaritas

Here’s What Happened Monday

I’m five days late on this recap and it’s National Margarita Day so here’s what I gathered while me and my two roommates caught up with this week’s episode and drank jalapeño margs for National Margarita Day and oh look, a dog.

The First One-On-One

We’re in Colton’s hometown of Denver, Colorado, where Colton takes Tayshia on a date involving wine, a dog he might have borrowed from a stranger, a raw salmon purchase, and likely legal weed at some point.  

When Colton asks about the oppressive cloud of drama permeating the last several episodes, Tayshia reveals that Caelynn isn’t ready for engagement but is definitely ready to be The Bachelorette and then six weeks after that point, engagement.

Later, at someone’s apartment, Colton tries to cut off Tayshia’s fingers chopping carrots then settles in for some couch conversation. Tayshia starts to talk about her family but honestly just then my roommate Julia asked, “what’s a phlebotomist?” and my roommate Babs answered, “I think it has something to do with butts” and then we talked about the fact that the Leave Britney Alone guy from YouTube is doing porn on Twitter now and we only started paying attention again when Colton and Tayshia were making out in Colton’s football jersey. We might have missed some crucial conversation. I blame the margs. 

The Second One-On-One

Caelynn and Colton go snowboarding and then Colton accuses Caelynn of being two-faced and fame-thirsty, even though she’s probably just damp and cold. They later go to dinner at a place I think might have been called “The Fart.”

Caelynn throws the “I love you” card and it successfully salvages her chances at Hometowns. After dinner, they dance on the third row at Red Rocks while a c-rate country band plays the only show they will ever play at Red Rocks. Let me tell you, having been to several shows there, it is no joke to get all the way down to Row 3, let alone in heels. Have fun walking back up a thousand stairs at altitude, you beautiful footwear fool.

Meanwhile, At A Haunted Denver Mansion?

Caelynn confronts Tayshia but Babs gets distracted by how healthy Caelynn’s hair is and googles “dog that usually has a ponytail” then goes “look, this dog could totally be on The Bachelor” so I’m not sure what happened while we looked at pictures of Afghan Hounds with better hair than me.

The Third One-On-One

Colton takes Hannah B in his Range Rover to meet his family while Julia reminds us that the name Hannah is a palindrome, which seems to earn Hannah points for no meaningful reason.

Colton’s dad, an old man version of Colton who aged like a bald thumb, tells Colton something. I can’t say for sure. I got distracted by the similar width of his head and his neck, but as I ponder that, Babs comments, “Colton’s got a hot dad.” Different strokes, I guess.

While Colton’s parents give him love advice, Babs and Julia get into a fight over whether we should be stockpiling Costco-brand or Skinny Girl margarita mix for the apartment. The debate is just getting good when Babs interjects with a “guys, according to Jonathan Van Ness, your face starts at your nipples.”

They’ve settled their differences and agree that the new candle smells “so nice.” No idea what’s happening with Hannah B and Colton.

Hannah B wears a Barbie-pink vinyl dress to dinner and tells Colton that she’s falling in love with him. Colton’s not feeling it in the same way, or maybe he’s just allergic to vinyl and sending Hannah B home seems like the most inconspicuous way to keep his anaphylactic shock off television. Either way, Hannah B gets put in a black SUV and tells us that she will “not allow herself to not feel chosen every single day,” which instantly makes Julia cry.

The Group Date

Colton takes the girls on an old-timey train only to get dumped by Heather on the spot. Lol. Good for you Heather, cut bait if that’s your game. You go the kiss you came for. As she leaves wistfully on the train, Babs audibly gasps and says, “I love this dramatic choo-choo.”

Babs and Julia are discussing spooning preferences when I realize that Cassie is crying. Thirty seconds of paying attention tells me that Colton thinks she also might want to be The Bachelorette. He has caught up to what we’ve all known for weeks.

Kirpa promises to Heather G that she will not to bring up Cassie and Caelynn unless it comes up naturally, only until she sees Colton and pulls up a PowerPoint deck to walk Colton through her stance on Cassie and Caelynn. Cassie later says to Kirpa, “this reeks of desperation” and Julia says, “this candle reeks of delicious.”

Later, at ballgown time, Colton gives Hannah G a rose right before Caelynn shows up in a denim jacket to tell him not to trust a hoe, and Colton sends Kirpa home. I missed all the Cassie celebration because Julia, apropos of nothing, whispered under her breath, “ Tayshia … she’s a phlumbologist.”

So we’re down to our Hometowns four: Cassie, Caelynn, Hannah G, and Tayshia . Somewhere nearby, Babs and Julia harmonize the chorus of “break up with your girlfriend, I’m bored” over and over and over and over and

[theblogchelor]

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The Bachelorette Week Nine aka Bangkok Becca

Here’s What Happened Monday

We’re in Thailand, and it’s the episode wherein our Bachelorette gets to drop trou with her final three men. After what is sure to be many nice shots of the landscape and a handful of uncomfortable cultural interactions, Becca will take her lovers back to various huts and commence the dickening, if she so chooses. Later, she will fret that her emotions are now even more conflicted than before, as if sharing fluids with multiple men would somehow be clarifying. Lastly, she will send the weakest bone home. 

Thus is the tried and true methodology of The Bachelorette.

Blake’s One-On-One

Blake is one handsy little bastard, so Becca takes him to a forest where they’re not allowed to touch each other. I don’t know if this is an ancient cultural superstition, or if Becca just needs five minutes without his sweaty paws on her, or because she’s planning on murdering him in the woods of Thailand and can’t risk his DNA on her skin.

Later, at dinner, Becca tells Blake that she is passionately in love with three dudes but that he has nothing to worry about. Blake says he’s totally ready to get on one knee, so Becca invites him back to the Fantasy Suite. They retreat to a sultry hotel suite to – how shall I put this – do some squats in the cucumber patch.

Jason’s One-On-One

Jason and Becca walk around a Thai market and encroach on the personal bubbles of innocent street performers. The proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan when Becca makes Jason sit alone at a temple while she leaves to have a panic attack.

In a rare moment we’re reminded that there is an army of people around Becca at all times, as Becca tells a producer “it just feels weird” with Jason fourteen times in a row. She reflexively tries to pull her hair up off her sweaty neck, forgetting that her hair tie was taken from her the moment she became The Bachelorette, and you best believe the producer isn’t about to provide her with one. Sicko.

At dinner, Jason reminds Becca he loves her, but she tells him she’s not feeling it and sends him home, a brutal five minutes before they would have been locking legs and swapping gravy.

Garrett’s One-On-One

Garrett and Becca take a bamboo raft down a crowded river while the locals and the elephants just try to get their holiday crunk on in peace. Over beers and harassment from Thai children, Becca and Garrett discuss their emotions.

After a long talk about family, hopes, and relocating to follow fame – dreams, sorry I meant dreams – Garrett tells Becca he loves her. This is everything she wanted to hear, and with the help of Chris Harrison’s note, Becca invites Garrett back to her treehouse to make the magical sandwich.

Drama!

Jason shows back up at Becca’s hotel for a few tears and some closure. There’s no screaming, no accusations, just a sad parting. Jason says goodbye and sticks his memories in Becca’s scrapbook. Sadly that’s not even a euphemism.

At the Rose Ceremony, there are two dudes and two roses. The math adds up, meaning Blake and Garrett are our final two. What a show.

Miscellaneous

Fantasy Suites is like Christmas: there are a million little traditions you come to cherish over time. For The Bachelorette, it’s the handwritten invitation to bang by none other than Chris Harrison, the perfect hair and makeup of the morning-after Bachelorette, the appearance of awkward jammies that ruin the whole image of the man wearing them.

I’ll miss Jason and his 80s cool-kid greased-back hair as much as the next gal, but clamoring for him to be the next Bachelor? Come on, twitter.

This girl won the episode:

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Three aka Injuries of Shame

The First Group Date aka Naked and Afraid

Only on The Bachelorette: six men arrive at a spa to give six half-naked women massages, except that all the men are dating the same one woman, and all the other women are that woman’s best friends, and the men are not allowed to look in the direction of the other half-naked women but still have to massage them real good, and they’re all forced to wear bizarre white cult shirts, and one of the men use to date one of the other women, and there’s nail polish everywhere, and it is the least relaxing spa day of all time.

In case you missed them, the Arie girls are doing very well. Kendall still makes a living cutting open dead animals, Sienne is busy designing a robot that can conduct brain surgery and also have empathetic conversations with the families of its patients, Caroline is still nobody of significance, Bekah M just celebrated her quinceañera, and Tia must reconcile the fact that she had adult naptime with one of Becca K’s current boyfriends, Colton. Tia is uncomfortable, Colton is uncomfortable, Becca is uncomfortable, Jordan is very comfortable, all of the producers are aroused in a deeply sadistic way.

Later, at Booze Date, Becca makes out with a guy because she forgets his name. Meanwhile, Jordan brags to the boys about having four thousand matches on Tinder, as if that isn’t sad, and David tells Becca about it, as if that isn’t sadder. Jordan tells David he is a skeleton of a man, and also a bitch.

While the boys are distracted arguing about modeling and internet dating, Colton earns a rose from a woman who was engaged while he was busy sleeping with a woman he thought would be the next Bachelorette.

The One-On-One Date aka Ben Stiller and Old Bono

John Legend was busy with his newborn son and literally every other household name was not interested in sacrificing their dignity but Richard Marx was available, so Becca and Chris head to the studio to write love songs with him. Or maybe for him. It’s hard to tell.

Chris is very nervous because he is tone deaf and has daddy issues but Becca urges him to dig deep and pour his heart out to her, a stranger. He manages to open up, and for the first time in recent history, Donald Trump and Kim Jung Un meet face to face. Chris gets the rose.

Meanwhile, Back At The Mansion…

David falls out of bed and breaks his average face.

The Second Group Date aka Go Play Foosball With Your Friends

Because this season is mostly pro athletes, the boys must play full contact football in hockey helmets for the heart of their sporty Minnesota lover gal. On the white team is an Englishman and a Globetrotter; on the blue team is a real NFL player and Jesus. It does not look like sports. Clay, sexy teddy bear, goes too hard on the last play and breaks his wrist, which is almost as damaging to his NFL career as the fact that he went on The Bachelorette.

Later, at Booze Date, Becca smooches all the boys to kill the time until Clay returns in a full sling for a broken wrist. Despite key moments with Garrett and Blake, it is Clay’s heroic bravery and humble manly strength that ignite something in Becca who lusts for that big, fluffy, broken bod. Clay wins the rose, and pins it to his sling.

The Rose Ceremony That Never Was

Heartbreak in the mansion. Clay discovers his stupid fucking Bachelorette injury is more serious than he thought and he has to leave for surgery lest he never be able to play football and make enough money to drown this shame.

No roses are given out tonight. We shall wait.

Miscellaneous

Shoutout Tinder! Shoutout my precious roommate and her longtime Tinder boyfriend who is also precious. Shoutout the Tinder guy named Big Dick Willy who once told me if I was a triangle I’d be “acute one.”

This episode's five dollar quote: “I totally moved into David’s head. I should be paying rent to that guy.” – Jordan

Early picks for next Bachelor? Clay? Grocery Joe? Chris Harrison finally?

Can’t wait for next week.

[theblogchelor]

The Bachelorette Week Four aka Yes to Ron Swanson; No to Dennis Feinstein

Here’s What Happened Monday

We return where we left off last week, our men in emotional turmoil at the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, worrying about David’s broken face and Clay’s broken wrist, and wondering what kind of bodily harm they too are destined to endure in pursuit of Becca’s love.

To ease the tension, Becca and Blake discuss cute male names for their five future daughters: Stevie, Charlie, Hunter, Predator, and Bloodbath. Later, Becca gives Jordan a pair of shiny gold briefs and thinks about his junk.

David comes back with a fat lip on his face and a courageous war story under his belt. The distraction from his regular face is a welcome change.

Nick, who honestly may have just shown up tonight I don’t know, wears a tracksuit to the Rose Ceremony as a symbol of his suave personality and, likely, sweaty disposition. All the men we’d expect to stay earn roses, sending Man Bun and Banjo Boy home.

The First One-On-One aka with Beautiful, Be-UTAH-ful Garrett

Becca takes Garrett to Park City, Utah, which has the best socks-only store on earth (which isn’t actually shown on the show but I just wanted you to know). Becca and Garrett wander around, investigate alpaca hats, drink ginger and pepper shots, and throw them up together.

Later they head to Olympic Park to go bobsledding on a course I’m not convinced hasn’t been decommissioned for decades. After their coaches – two Olympic silver medalists – explain the seriousness of the MPH’s and the G’s, Becca inquires precisely how dead they’ll get on this bobsled, and the coaches confirm they will indeed die very dead.

Later, miraculously alive, Becca and Garrett sit on the snow and drink champagne until neither of them can feel their extremities – but can certainly feel their budding love.

The Group Data aka Healthy Dose of Lumbersexuality

Today Becca posted about her love of Costco on Instagram, and tonight Becca revealed her lust for log-splitting mountainmen. Today, Becca and I became one. 

Obviously Becca went to Costco to buy bulk flannel shirts so her men could dress up, split wood, grow beards, chew tobacco, pee in open air, assert their archetypical masculinity. Profession proves to be an unreliable indicator of lumberjactual prowess, as the male model and the inventor of Venmo are beasts with axes and ropes. Like serial killers, but in a sexy, ill-fitting way.

Later, at Booze Date, Jean Blanc gives Becca a signature fragrance called Wifey Wifey Trophy Wifey (actually “Becca Blanc” which is so much worse) and tells her he loves her. Becca hates strong smells so she sends Jean Blanc home. Jean Blanc tells her he never really loved her and we’re all like, we know.

The Second One-On-One Battle of Wills

Becca is still frazzled about Jean Blanc’s betrayal, so she takes Will deep into the frozen tundra and murders him in the snow to blow off some steam.

Just kidding, Becca is smitten as a mitten with Wills. He’s not a perfume and short-shorts kind of guy. He’s kind, earnest, and drama-free. He’s also untarnished as of yet, because she literally had no idea who he was until today.

The Second Rose Ceremony

Becca is more resolute than we’ve seen her yet. With a swift mercilessness she shows up at the Rose Ceremony, cancels the cocktail party, strikes the fear of God in the men, and romantically kneecaps Nick and Christon. I bet Nick regrets wearing that stupid tracksuit, and I bet Christon regrets not wearing his.

Miscellaneous

During typical mansion antics we discover that Lincoln believes the earth is flat, but it doesn’t matter at all because he is LITERALLY A CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER who assaulted a woman on a cruise ship. Wtf?

Five dollar quote of the night: “Becca might have my groin on her mind, and maybe she thinks its  golden.”

I miss Grocery Joe.

On a recent trip to Salt Lake City, my friend and I bullied another friend into using the Be-Utah-ful pun on her charcuterie instragram account and you know what? it was worth the emotional abuse we put her through to post it because that pun is fucking excellent.

[theblogchelor]

IT’S DAMN THING TIME

Raise your hand if you’re ready to tune in every week, fully understanding that you’re perpetuating ABC’s bizarre and deeply problematic alternate romance reality, but you can’t help that you’re already emotionally invested in watching Becca do damn things.

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The Bachelorette is back tonight.

The Blogchelor is back tomorrow.

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