#he’s technically a mix but looks mostly like a chihuahua

[donutfloats]

The wretched beast that lives in my home

His name is Raffles

[artbybai]

Do Bulma and Vegeta know about Baiya's crush on the kaioshin of their universe? And how "stupid"(or no) would this girl act around Shin during her crush phase before it passed? Your girl watches Goku grab the god of the universe like a little chihuahua dog, has she ever done the same?

Omggggg this is the funniest thing ever

Gosh… If I think abt it, honestly, I imagined that Baiya would’ve mostly been around Shin in the Sacred Lands during her training/studies under him and Kibito (let’s roll with it for now since I still need to bang out the how and why lol) so Vegeta & Bulma probably wouldn’t really be aware of what their interactions/Baiya’s attitude towards Shin would be like.

I think, at first, Baiya would be at least a bit nervous when she meets Shin and Kibito (bc holy shit, the Kai, and the SUPREME Kai, at that!) She’d likely default to her usual (attempted) diplomatic persona that Vegeta’s tried to train her for, as a Princess.

As Baiya eventually spends more time around Shin, I think he’d mention something along the lines of, “You don’t have to hold yourself back to appeal to me, as either a student… Or a friend. I can hear your thoughts, anyways, so there’s little use in denying them.” Baiya slowly gets more comfortable around him, seeking his counsel for even minor things, involving him more in her personal life (and… Learning to think a little quieter, lol.)

Of course… This eventually leads to Baiya getting her lil crush on Shin.

He’s got poise and tact, eloquent, traditional… Honestly, Shin could very much pass for a Prince himself! Along with his gentler approach to encouraging Baiya to reach her full potential, and to embrace her flaws and work with them instead of around them, she’d absolutely develop a strong attachment to him.

They’d have teatime in the Grand Temple Gardens. They’d stroll the grounds side by side, with Shin proudly showing her off to the other Kai as yet another of his various mentees, their arms linked together. Shin would teach her Kai history and language, their traditions, invite her to join him in various ceremonies or rituals… Inviting her into his world, literally and figuratively. That’d be pretty important to Baiya, who’s felt like a bit of an outsider since her creation, despite her loving family and friends.

Baiya would teleport to the Sacred Lands, happily running to join Shin in his study for their next week of training and studying together, joking and gossiping together, with Baiya informing Shin in return about life on Earth as a mortal…

And, maybe this would lead to Shin occasionally visiting Earth more often than most other Kai ever had before.

The first time Shin pays a visit to the Capsule Corporation household, I believe Bulma would treat him like most any other guest, or how she’d behave around Whis. Vegeta may not pay him as much attention at first, but he’d be respectful as he would be towards any of the gods. Then… Shin and Baiya greet each other with a hug, and she grabs his hand as they run upstairs together, and they dash out the door moments later with Shin dressed as “incognito” as he possibly can be for a day out and about in West City.

Bulma and Vegeta look to each other, slack-jawed. Bulma would probably laugh it off as “puppy-love”, something sweet and innocent but destined not to last. Meanwhile Vegeta’s white as a sheet and can hardly believe his eyes. “She’s flirting with a god. My sweet pea dressed up a God of Creation like a legally-distinct Ken doll, to go out for whatever the hell “boba” is. How.” I have a feeling Vegeta would feel a mix of pride and mild fear.

Baiya would go so stupid for Shin at first asdfghjkl

AND she’d jokingly hoist him up and carry him around sometimes (…if Shin lets her. I kinda imagine that Kai can simply choose to be Immovable Objects™️ when it comes to mortals weaker than them, so… Technically, that’d mean that Shin would play along with it to an extent)

I imagine Baiya to be a “harmless prankster” type; bubbly and sweet with a dash of mischief. A playful older sister that’s still figuring out how the world works and how she fits into it, essentially. She’d enjoy teasing Shin, talking him into silly ideas, maybe even flopping onto her bed after a visit, hugging her plushies and kicking her feet excitedly, etc. So basically, Typical Girly Stuff™️.

Eventually, I imagine that Shin would recognize that Baiya’s caught feelings for him, and as much as he might even be flattered at her affection, he probably would let her down as gently as possible, or encourage her to pursue other potential suitors. Mortal suitors. Suitors that she might get to grow old with, even as a Saiyan, and have a “proper life” with… As much as it could pain Shin to admit. Baiya knows it, too, though.

Baiya & Shin would still absolutely be on excellent terms afterwards, and she’d continue to seek his advice and company. Tbh, this is the one friendship I think she’d build that rarely ever would have actual rough patches or strains between them… :)

Thanks for asking & thanks for listening/reading my ramble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Made my day to gush abt them asdfghjkl

[doberbutts]

As always, good food.

Actually I was thinking about this today with my crew, because none of them are particularly appealing to the tacticool crowd even though they all have pieces of what technically should be.

Sushi is literally the dog to have if you are trying to go it alone in the wild frontier without any human help. Like. That's a significant portion of why the breed was made, and why even Jack London who *inspired many of these guys with his own fantasies* deliberately chose what today many of them would consider possibly the least possible compatible with their lifestyle. A st Bernard/collie mix that lived as a spoiled housepet. You'll see many of these guys are more likely to have fantasies of their own version of Buck looking more like White Fang, ironic considering White Fang is the story about the wolf choosing the simple and domesticated life.

If you are stuck in the rugged wilderness and you need a dog beside you? A swissy is not a bad choice to have next to you. But of course, they are too rounded, too cute, too friendly. With minimal aggression and a whole lot of conflict avoidance, preferring peaceful resolutions and barking at a distance to actual fights, and mostly being down to just hang out until called upon though happy to be included, they're nothing like the high octane sport dogs these guys favor. But you're more likely to find them in the hands of those who do the actual real life homesteading and breaking ground and living off the land, than the vibrating fur missile that is a malinois.

Chihuahuas honestly should be labeled the dogs that can survive easily in a zombie apocalypse. They've survived the collapse of at least two civilizations and you can still find them and their mixes running around ruins and living on their own. They're plucky, sassy, great survivalists, with the same willingness to square up to a threat many times their size, while being resourceful enough to hunt and scavenge their way through life.

But they're gramma dogs intended to sit in the laps of little old Mexican abuelas so they're not interesting enough for these guys either. They'd rather get a patterdale or a jagd or even a jrt even though chihuahuas have proven more than capable of surviving in harsh, unforgiving climates without any human intervention.

And you'd think, surely Jaz the doberman must be interesting to these dudes. And yeah, to a point, though mostly to the nazis within that community. But *my* dobermans, specifically? Nah. Fenris might be coming along with his sport training but he is too friendly and silly for these guys. He enjoys the fight and he loves to bite but also he doesn't want it to be personal, he just wants it to be fun. Phoebe was too scared and thus too weak for them. Creed may have been strong enough for them but not with the training I deliberately put in to make him safe as a service dog. Skoll was too much of a liability, as evidenced by his court case. His original owners may have been among these people we're discussing, considering the documents I have regarding their treatment of him.

And, honestly? Though I do feel more secure with a doberman at my side, I also don't think any of them are a good choice for someone who has the fantasy of surviving the collapse of the western world as a doomsday prepper. Dobermans were never intended to live or serve in these conditions, and so it makes no sense to choose them as the favored breed outside of Cool Points Aesthetic.

The idea of macho so serious pseudo-military dudes keeping terriers is baffling to me, because my family has had many terriers of various breeds and mixes, and the one thing that is necessary for terrier ownership is a sense of humour. They are ridiculous, often very athletic little animals with minds of their own. You need to work with them in order to train them.

I cannot imagine dudes who think 'discipline' is being a caricature of a drill sergeant coping with having a terrier.

I mean sure, but you also have to remember that terriers have been called "gentleman's dogs" and have been part of gentleman's clubs for a very long time. Many of the current terrier breeds we have in the world descend directly from country-club-type dudes breeding their dogs to run game for fun on the weekends, and where the line between "hunting as a pleasure sport" and "my dog enacts mass murder on all small game around my farm" sits is incredibly blurred.

Personally I think it is the reputation of said mass-murdering the small game that is what catches their attention. These types of dudes tend to worship any sort of controlled violence, so they see a JRT gleefully pulling out a squirrel's intestines like silly string and decide to rest their entire masculinities on the fact that they like it when the dog turns a rodent inside out. It's also why they tend to like bitesports, which are just heavily ritualized aggression trained to a predictable pattern.

[kittybellestark]

Falling Apart At The Seams

Hey so this is the bio dad Tony fic I was working on !! 

Thank you so much to @peter-is-a-bean @superherotiger @thedumbestavenger @marvelous-1015 and @himaboroshi736 for helping me pick out a title !! I really appreciate the help and all the different opinions !

Summary: Tony was Iron Man and yet he was weak. He should have been able to pull it together, to find his child and raise them. It should have been easy, to be a good father. Yet he can’t bring himself to look for them, he doesn’t even know the sex. It was all his fault. He should have been stronger, better.

TW: PTSD, mention of Rape, Rape/Non-Con elements (no actual described rape), self victim shaming, alcohol, drugings

Read on AO3 Part 1/5

Tony had been kidnapped many times in his life.

It was old hat. Get kidnapped, sit and wait, find out the motive, what the ransom may be. Sit and wait some more. Eventually get released or found. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Of course there were a few kidnappings where Tony was underestimated just enough that he was able to sneak away, but that didn’t happen too often. Lucky for him, he was small enough to get out of tight situations, and smart enough to trick his captors.

But then it happened.

Mid 2000. He was at some party. Happy and Rhodey were there too. Tony had a little too much to drink and found an opportunity to leave with this girl, Mary, without his friends noticing. She was beautiful and smart, quick-witted and fun. Her eyes were a striking blue and hair golden brown. 

Tony shouldn’t have left with her. 

When he had woken up next, in bed, naked, it wasn’t much of a surprise. Sure, he couldn’t remember anything that transpired after he left the party and Mary had given him a drink, but that’s normal, really. Tony didn’t enjoy waking up with no memories but he did it to himself. 

What surprised him though, was that he was tied down to the bed. And Mary wasn’t actually a nice person, at all. She had wanted a child, and had found out her husband was infertile. Apparently he was not aware that he couldn’t have kids, but Mary felt that Tony looked close enough to him. 

It was January of 2001 when Tony was finally released. Mary was confident enough that she wouldn’t lose the child and that keeping Tony around was a waste of time. So after months of being chained down Tony was finally free. 

Tony was far too skinny, and he couldn’t help shaking, not unlike a chihuahua. He tried stepping back into his roll of CEO and pretending everything was normal and fine. He had built this sort of a reputation for himself hadn’t he? 

The world was more than aware that he was taken, that he wasn’t being held for ransom. It didn’t stop the rumours that he was on a bender, or in rehab though. Obie had stepped in as acting CEO and the world went on without him. But it’s not like he could really tell anyone what happened. He was a man, no one would believe it. He was Tony Stark, playboy extraordinaire, everyone would say he was asking for it.

And now there was a child in the mix. A child he didn’t want. A child he had no choice to help create. He couldn’t be responsible for that. Not when every time he thought about it he’d had such horrible panic attacks that Rhodey had thought he was having a heart attack. They were so bad he’d completely dissociate, or vomit, or pass out. Tony couldn’t deal with a child, he never wanted one, and certainly not one that he was forced to help create.

There was no reality where Tony could tell people what happened to him. Nothing that he could really do. Mary never came asking for child support, or wanting another child. So Tony was grateful. He hoped that the child was well taken care of. That it didn’t inherit it’s mother’s crazy, and that the father was a good person. Tony didn’t feel good about leaving the child in Mary’s care, but he couldn’t do anything about it. It was too much for him. 

As years went on Tony learned not to flinch at a persons touch. Of course when Afghanistan happened and all the progress he made in the years of his freedom vanished. He hated being touched, he hated being handed things. Parties were not a place he wanted to be and being left alone in a room with only one other person was enough to send it spiraling.

Tony lived with the overwhelming guilt of knowing he abandoned his child. He would try to talk himself up, search up Mary, find the kid and take it. But as soon as he was in front of the computer, with the search bar open and keyboard cursor blinking, his brain would take him right back. Back to the bed he was chained to and the woman with wild eyes overtop of him, laughing while he sobbed.

He wanted to care about the kid. Wanted to want the kid, but there was nothing. While Tony knows it deep in his heart Mary should not be a mother, he knows that he could never, ever be a father. There was a child out there, that he knew about and Tony was terrified of them, of knowing who they are, of looking at them and seeing Mary. Tony wouldn’t be a good father, not when he can’t even think about his kid. 

As Tony had to teach himself how to cope with things again, trying to be normal, he found himself in a relationship with Pepper. Holding hands and kisses and hugs were mostly okay. Pepper was more than happy for the relationship to move as slow as it had been. She was really expecting things to be more rushed from the get-go. Tony was taking baby-steps. He couldn’t overwhelm himself, not with Pepper.

Sometime after Ultron- after Tony nearly ruined the world- did he actually confide in Pepper. He didn’t plan to tell her anything. Tony didn’t ever have plans on saying a single word to anyone. He wouldn’t have said anything, if it wasn’t for some viral video of Spider-Man holding a little girl and telling her about how his babysitter had raped him too. Hearing Spider-Man say those words Tony knew he needed to tell Pepper.

Pepper cried. A lot. So did Tony. They were in their living room, sitting on the couch, a blanket over Pepper’s lap and an box of tissues in-between them as they sat face to face. Tony told her everything; the party, the alcohol, the way Mary smelled, being tied to the bed, hating himself more because of those months, being kept there even after there was a positive pregnancy test, how there was a child out there Tony could never face. Pepper cried as she held Tony, fingers curled in his hair reassuring him none of it was ever his fault. He never wanted to be taken, to be raped, and to have a child. She didn’t blame him for not wanting the kid, for not being able to think about them without spiraling completely. She told him he wasn’t selfish for trying to protect himself.

After that Spider-Man became Tony’s new obsession. Tony built him a better suit and watched video after video. Eventually he was able to find out Spider-Man’s identity and helped cover all of Spider-Man’s traps. 

What surprised Tony the most was that Spider-Man was a kid. His name was Peter Parker, he was 14 years old and top of his class at Midtown. He lived with his aunt, May Parker. His uncle, Ben, was murdered in front of him, and his parents, Diane and Jacob Parker died in a plane crash when he was 6. Previous to 2007 there were no files on any of the Parker’s, no tax files, no bank accounts or government ID’s. They were a mystery, but Tony didn’t really see the need to push much farther in the past. By the looks of all the FBI documentation, it was more than likely for their own safety. It was strange though, how the FBI was the one to deal with the case against Steven (Skip) Wescott, and they did it discreetly. Sexual assault cases in New York City were rarely ever dealt with by the FBI.

Now Tony needed to find a reason to approach Spider-Man. He didn’t really know whether it would be better to approach Peter as himself or as the masked vigilante. Tony just wanted to thank the teen. Sure Peter didn’t do very much, not really technically to help Tony. But hearing him talk to the girl, it helped him talk to Pepper. If a 14 year old can do it, so can Tony Stark. And it wasn’t like Tony was going to broadcast it to the world, he just told his long-term partner. People could believe a babysitter hurting doing such horrible things to a child, but they wouldn’t believe Tony. 

So he needed to thank Peter. Not because he was grateful that a child went through the same things Tony did, but because he was willing to share. Spider-Man didn’t even care that there were camera’s on him, his focus was on comforting that little girl. Who knows how many people he helped, Tony could only hope it was more than just him.

Peter was 15 before Tony finally built up the nerve to approach him. He was just a kid, who had bad things happen to him, and was now helping others. So what if Tony was scared to see him?  Tony just needed the perfect cover story. And he needed to make sure the new spider suit would keep Peter safe. That’s all. Don’t approach until you know that everything is perfect.

Tony was in the Parker apartment. That was fine. May Parker was very nice. Surprised that Tony Stark was at her door, but then suddenly not surprised that it was about Peter. She was a lovely woman, invited him in and told some stories from when Peter was younger. 

The panic that started to set in as the time ticked on before Peter arrived back from school was starting to eat at Tony. He could feel his stomach twisting and throat starting to burn. Maybe he should have had Happy come up with him. He was okay. Tony was in control. 

Finally Peter arrived before Tony was able to make some cheap excuse about an emergency at SI. Seeing Peter was difficult. This was Tony’s first time since 2000 where he willingly put himself in a situation with a child. 

Tony might actually throw up.

Peter had bright brown eye’s, nearly golden in colour and dark brown hair. Of course Tony had seen the government picture of Peter and school photos, but now it was a lot. Peter was a real person and Tony was not prepared for this. 

“I was just talking to your aunt about the internship you applied for. With the September Foundation. Youngest candidate to ever apply, and also the most qualified. So I wanted to come and meet you personally, Mr. Parker. You mind if we talk?”

“Yeah, no, yeah, of course.”

Tony couldn’t believe the starry-eyed wonder that Peter had. The wide-eyed innocence. How could this kid who has seen so much tragedy be able to look like nothing horrible has ever happened? It didn’t make much sense. 

Peter led Tony to his bedroom, and Tony maintained his space by the door. It said a lot to him, how Peter was okay with having an older man in his room, yet Tony couldn’t really handle being alone with anyone for long periods of time.

“I’m going to cut to the chase. You’re Spider-Man right? I’m not here to harass you about it or anything. I’ve covered you’re tracks for you, actually. Deleted some CCTV footage, made sure no connection existed. Also made you a new suit, it’s got all the bells and whistles.”

And there was the distrust. The squinted eyes, locked jaw and crossed arms that screamed that Peter was uncomfortable and that he did not believe this offer. Peter looked much older now, all signs of youthful innocence gone, now just a cagey-tired kid who didn’t know what to do. Tony tried to make himself appear smaller, less grandios, he knows that’s what he would like. 

“What’s the catch?”

“No catch. You inadvertently helped me out, I’m just repaying the debt.”

Peter hummed and paced the room. Tony tried to make sure that if Peter wanted to leave, the door wasn’t completely blocked off.

“Mr. Stark, I never applied for any September Foundation internship thing. It doesn’t even let you try and apply if you aren’t of age. This clearly won’t look like an actual internship, May will see right through it. There is obviously something else you aren’t telling me.”

Smart kid. Already aware of the holes in Tony’s plan. Willing to call him out. Tony liked him, for a teen vigilante. That’s all. Arms length and everything.

“You’ll come to the tower twice a week. I’ve talked to Nat, she saw your hand-to-hand combat. It’s alright, but sloppy. She’s going to make sure you can protect yourself.”

It took a moment before Peter made up his mind. He even turned his back to Tony to move the clearly home made computer on his desk. What a big sign of trust! To allow an older man into his room and then turn his back, Tony couldn’t imagine being okay with doing the same thing with any woman other than Pepper.

“Sure,” Peter nodded, “Yeah, with the Black Widow? I’d be a fool not to accept that, she’s pretty awesome.”

Tony couldn’t help but laughing. He nodded his head towards the Iron-Man poster on the wall, “Clearly not as great as Iron Man.”

Peter laughed. His smile lit up the whole room.

“It’s not like I ever thought you’d be in my room, Mr. Stark. They’re coming down as soon as you leave.”

“No, no you can’t now that I’ve seen them. I’ll fire you if you take them down.”

“I’ll quit first.”

Peter was a quick learner. He also wormed his way in to the Avenger’s lives. It surprised Tony, how Peter was only ever suppose train with Nat twice a week, now he had lab days and would show up sporadically. The teen had inserted himself into everyone’s lives and he fit. Spider-Man was safer out on the streets and the Avenger’s were more than happy to help Peter however they could.

Tony was blown away from how smart Peter was. There were only a handful of times where Bruce and Tony had to slow down and explain things to Peter. It was far more common that Peter would beat them to the answer, or simplify things, and even correct their mistakes.  

“You know, if I wasn’t there went you went missing back in 2000 I’d think Peter was your kid.”

Rhodey laughed and clapped Tony on the back, and that was it. Suddenly Tony couldn’t breathe. His wrists were bleeding and the metal of the bedframe was creaking. His eyes were swollen from the constant tears the never seemed to stop streaming down his face. Mary was sitting beside him, her hands on the beginning of a growing stomach. She just wanted to make it through the second trimester before Tony was allowed to go. Her eyes were far too bright and unhinged.

“Tony, Tones, you’re okay. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Peter is an August baby. He’s August. Not April. The dates don’t line up. It’s fine. He’s the son of Diane and Jacob Parker.”

Tony was leaning over, knees to his chest, hands flat on the floor. He’s touching the floor, not a dirty old mattress. Not handcuffs or a bedframe. Just the cool, hardwood flooring. 

“Tones, what are you talking about? Are you trying to tell me you have a kid out there?”

So Tony told him. Everything. How he left the party, what happened during all those months. Tony talked about how he discovered Spider-Man, and how he just wanted to thank Peter for sharing his story, because it helped. He wanted to make sure Peter was safe, and this was the only way Tony knew how to re-pay him.

Months went on and it felt like a constant balance of ‘this is too much, I am not enough,’ for Tony. With Rhodey knowing what happened, it helped a little bit. Tony didn’t feel like he was always suffocating in guilt. Of course it didn’t stop Tony from feeling like he was drowning all the time, from the memories of what happened, but he could share his guilt with Rhodey and Pepper, and it helped a little. 

Actually it helped a lot. Whenever the team would call Peter ‘Stark Junior’ as a joke. Or when Thor came back and saw Peter immediately dubbing him as ‘Stark-Son.’ Rhodey and Pepper were incredible at talking him down from the edges of his panic attacks. Having people- his people- know what happened helped a lot more than Tony ever thought they would. They believed him. Rhodey and Pepper believed him when he said he didn’t want anything to happen, that he hadn’t asked for it. They didn’t tell him it was his fault or push him to find the mystery kid, but instead they listened. It helped. 

Tony didn’t ever think he could get to this point in his life. Not after 2000. He didn’t think he would be able to trust so many people, or talk to about everything. It was nice, to feel some semblance of normal. Not that anything could be considered normal, but learning not to keel over from the weight of everything made it feel more normal. Spiraling at the sight of blue eyes or being near women and seeing children on the streets was not normal.

But Peter in Tony’s lab was normal. And so was Peter in the communal kitchen, his head in the cupboards looking for a snack. It was so normal it ached. Tony hated that he could have this mentor-mentee relationship with Peter and he couldn’t even handle the thought of his own child.

“Hey, you’re no ostrich, get your head out of the metaphorical sand, food is on it’s way up right now.”

“Bad analogy, Mr. Stark, I would have gone with the hand in the cookie jar thing. Y’know because food. It was the obvious one.”

Peter pulled his head out of cupboards a lop-sided smile lighting up his eyes. Even after knowing Peter for nearly a year, Tony was still blown away by Peter’s optimism, and his snark. 

“Right, yes, my apologies for not choosing the right analogy. Next time I’ll use the right one.” 

The smile on Peter’s face dropped. He looked over to the elevator, his head shaking. “No, no, no. That’s not food, I’m sorry Mr. Stark.”

The elevator doors opened and there stood May Parker with an FBI agent. Neither of them seemed very happy, which definitely wasn’t good. Tony had made sure that there was no way Peter could get in trouble for being Spider-Man, and there was no way the government would find out that are one in the same. Tony did everything right, didn’t he? Peter should have been safe. Everything should be fine.

Taglist: dm/ send an ask to be added !

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@marvelous-1015 @himaboroshi736

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #074

Have you ever watched the sunrise? I have, more than once. What about the sunset? Yeup. Name a band that you think is beyond overrated: Uh, I gotta be honest, I REALLY don't know what's "in" these days. What’s your favorite sea creature? I visually REALLY like jellyfish, but as animals, I think sea turtles and whales are just fascinating. What’s your favorite acoustic song? Off the top of my head, "If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn" by Sleeping With Sirens. I actually don't really like the original, but the acoustic is magical and is absolutely one of those songs I've considered for my wedding.

Have you ever been inside a castle? I FEEL like I've been in the Disney World castle, but if that, that's it. I'd like to visit a real one one day. Do you own any pets? Types? Names? A gray and white cat named Roman that is some domestic shorthair mix, a champagne morph ball python named Venus, and Mom has a chihuahua named Cookie. What’s the worst illness that you’ve ever had? I guess technically Covid. As far as FEELING goes though, I suffered worst of all with a WICKED stomach virus I got sometime as a teenager. I would NOT stop throwing up, to the point barely even bile would come out. Is your best friend in love with someone? Meeeee. :') How many times have you sworn at your parents? AT them, I'm not sure, but I know I've told my mother "fuck you" once. THAT was a bad night. I would not be even remotely surprised if I called my dad awful things in the letter I wrote him after he abandoned the family. I hope I didn't, but... I did NOT think well of him for years after he just ditched us. Most interesting place you’ve ever visited? Uhhhh perhaps the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. It really sucks, I was just a little kid and dealing with HORRIFIC constipation to where I was just like crying the entire visit, so I didn't really get to enjoy it. I'd really like to revisit now as an adult. Have you ever had anything tailored? I know at least one prom dress was. Do your shoulder blades protrude? Ha, I wish. Prominent shoulder blades are UNREASONABLY hot to me lmao. Are you gonna French kiss your hubby at your wedding? Uh, no. That's not something I would publicly do. Who is the last person you held hands with? Girt. :') Have you ever felt free after losing something once important to you? SomeONE, yes. Have you ever been to a rave? No, that's not something I want to do. Have you ever been in a shrubbery maze? No, I feel like being in one of those would stress me out. What is the highest outdoor temperature you’ve ever had to endure? At least over 110*F, I know. Makes me wanna fuckin die. And the lowest? Ummm... MAYBE just barely single digits? But I don't think we've ever gone below the teens since I've been alive, and teens are super rare here. Do you let your pets on your furniture? Absolutely. This is their house, too, and therefore also their furniture, too. Do you know what things your pet(s) prefers to eat? I don't pay attention to what Cookie eats because Mom feeds her, but I can tell you she is VERY picky, apparently. Roman eats mostly normal, dry cat food (I don't know what brand; I fill his bowl from a tub full of whatever it is that Mom gets), but he normally does get a small dose of wet food in the morning, too, which he absolutely prefers. He sometimes just eats it too fast and hurls it back up, slskdjalsdkjfqwe. Venus is pretty darn easy, being a snake: she gets frozen/thawed medium-sized rats. What does your wallet look like? It's a really cool red, white, and black Harley Quinn design, in her cartoon style. Tell me about the last book you read. I'm currently reading Wings of Fire: Winter Turning; the WoF books tend to be VERY packed with plot twists and surprises, but I can tell you the main plot in this one follows a dragon named Winter trying to rescue his imprisoned brother while also trying to prevent his sister from killing the queen of a certain tribe to earn ANOTHER queen's favor, but it would cause war to erupt again without a doubt. There are lots more details, but that's like, the skeletal build of the primary plot. Who was the last person to leave you flustered? This might be TMI but Girt was trying to Cause Trouble with his family RIGHT IN THE NEXT ROOM when I was there on his birthday and "flustered" was one way to describe me LMAOOOOOO What are some bands others would be surprised to find in your music library? Ha ha I genuinely have a lot of Melanie Martinez and Jeffree Star on my iPod lmfaooooo How do you feel about kettle cooked chips? GROSS. Tell me something about yourself that you’re most proud of. Graduating in the top percentile of my graduating class in high school. I can literally see the plaque I got from the celebration dinner from where I'm sitting. I was smart ONCE upon a time... What do you like to dunk in your coffee, if anything? I don't drink coffee. What’s your favorite Elvis song? Probably "You're The Devil in Disguise." Would you rather see someone of the opposite sex naked or nicely dressed? I've mentioned this before, so even though I'm still into men sexually, penises themselves visually GROSS ME OUT so I'd definitely purely nicely dressed. What is the last thing you wrote down? I wrote my name on the sign-in thing at the doctor's office where I get my B-12 shots. Do you know of any home remedies that work surprisingly well? Uhhh maybe? Idk. What’s something you’ve never been able to live down? My mom recently told Girt's family the story of how I got upset when I tried orange juice with pulp in it and I complained "it has nipples in it!" when Mom asked why I didn't like it and they all couldn't fuckin breathe and I'm like idk man, my brain's been off since I came out my mama. 😭 Which of your friends has the coolest siblings? Honestly, probably Girt, ha ha. Ashley is SUPER fuckin cool, she rocks pure magenta curly hair while allowing her 10 y/o son to flaunt blue, ha ha. You don't really see parents willing to let their kid do that around here; I really respect her for letting her son express himself in such harmless ways. HAHA OH his birthday party is actually this weekend and his theme is fucking classic horror movie characters, it's great. HE IS TURNING TEN, Y'ALL. Does orange sherbet sound good right now? No, but I could actually definitely go for some pink/strawberry sherbet. Would black hair look good or bad on you? I've had black hair, and I liked it. Is there any song that makes you think of your dad? Any Van Halen song, because they're his favorite. Have you had any really bad experiences while plucking your eyebrows? In high school I actually had this really bad habit where I'd pluck my eyebrows out with my fingers alone when I was bored or thinking too much, and it once got so bad I nearly COMPLETELY destroyed one eyebrow, and the other was super fucked up too. I was majorly embarrassed. Have you ever read The Outsiders? I sure did, it was required in I wanna say 8th grade. It's one of my favorite books ever, even though I like... no longer remember the plot lmao I just remember I LOVED it. Have you ever taken a picture of you kissing someone? Yes, but those pictures don't exist anymore. What is the youngest age you can remember back to? Somewhere around three I think; I remember watching my brother go down the slide in our front yard into the fucking flood Hurricane Floyd left lmaoooo. What job would you NEVER take, even as a last resort? Butcher. FUCK no. Can you crack your neck? No but fucking Girt does a lot and it is LOUD and actually makes me scream alskdfjalwkejq What is the last thing you drank? I have strawberry-flavored sparkling water right now. Will this weekend be a good one? Probably; I'm going with Girt's family to a trampoline park for his nephew's b-day party. <3 Have you ever swam in the ocean? Yes, I LOVE doing that, save for feeling all gross and salty afterwards. Have you ever played in a waterfall? No, but that sounds like an ACTUAL dream. In your life who has meant the most to you? My mom. The psychiatrist I saw after my suicide attempt that completely changed my life (I'm still upset my insurance isn't compatible with him...). Teddy, Roman. Jason, once upon a time. Girt. What has been your biggest failure in life? Literally don't get me fucking started, I am NOT going there. Who do you trust the most other than yourself? My mom. Do you trust yourself? Honestly? No. It was a recent topic in therapy how for a VERY long time, I'm talkin' years, I've second-guessed my own intentions. It's the most frustrating fucking thing in the world, wondering if I did this and that for truly that reason, or this other bad one... if that makes any sense. I can't put into words how stressful the sensation is, questioning yourself and what you really want. Did you use tongue in your last kiss? Uh I suppose it's possible, we were alone in my room and Things Happened but idr if the last kiss before he left was like that. Do you have any alcohol bottles in your room? Nope. How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? I don't plan on having children. Safe sex, or no sex, correct? In my world, that's how it is. I am doing everything reasonable to absolutely never wind up pregnant. Which of the Pirates of the Caribbean was your favorite? I actually never watched those. Is your toothbrush manual or electric? Electric. Who was the last person to come to your house? Girt. Have you ever had pink eye? Nope. Does your significant other have any piercings? Nope. What is the last song you listened to with “song” in the title? Uh, I want to say "Happy Song" by Bring Me The Horizon. Do you like Adam Sandler? Yeah, he's fine. When, where, and to whom did you lose your virginity? Haven't yet. How many band shirts do you own? Which? Oh jeez, so many. Ozzy, Metallica, Otep, Manson, Korn, NSP, and I know with certainty there's more. Last song you sang in the shower? I don't sing in the shower, so. Have you ever had anything pierced that you don’t have now? Yep: tongue, nostril, ear cartilage, and anti-tragus of my ear. Do you have any twins/multiples in your family? Are they identical or fraternal? I'm quite sure no. What is the highest number of jobs you’ve had at one time? No more than one. I could never, EVER, handle two jobs. Hell, I can't even manage one. Is your mom a good mom? My mom is the best mom in the entire fucking world. What are your parents’ and their grandchildren’s names? Donna and Ken. Grandchildren between the two of them include Delia, Dillon, Diana, Gene, Greyson, Victoria, Erika, Aria, Christian, Asher, Aubree, Ryder, and Emerson. My dad does have another daughter that I've never met/know almost absolutely nothing about, so hell if I know if she has kids or not. Do you know what high school your father went to? No; my father was born and raised in Ohio so no location there he's ever mentioned really sticks with me/holds any significance to me. Do you eat breakfast daily? Yes. What are you stressed out about? Right now that my cyst is definitely back; I'm not gonna get graphic but the hole this type of cyst forms has reformed and is draining super badly soooo now I have to go get this looked at... Do you currently have a hickey? No, Girt doesn't do those. Do you have a sensitive gag reflex? Yep, very. What do you think in general of girls with short hair? HOT!!!!!!!! How about guys with long hair? HOT!!!!!!!!!! Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances? Well yeah, I WOULD get an abortion if I was pregnant. There is no fucking way in heaven or hell I could raise a child right now and I am not offloading them onto someone else and being okay with it. What do you think of people who get abortions? It's none of my fucking business, nor is it the government's or really ANYONE'S besides the person with a baby in their fucking body. What was the last bug you killed? Probably an ant. If you could spend a year living in a foreign country, which would it be? Germany. Why did you make this particular choice? I'd just really like to visit there, but LIVING there would absolutely help me learn the language faster. What’s the longest you’ve ever been out of your state/province? Uhhhh... two weeks, I think? At LEAST two weeks, because I know that's how long I stayed with Sara one time. It's possible that I've stayed longer with Mom's family, but idr. Do you know anyone who has written a book? Well, I don't KNOW her, but a distant cousin wrote Not Without My Daughter. Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around? No, that shit really grosses me out. Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewelry? Yes. Have you ever been friends with a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s siblings? Not really, no. Do you have any lingerie? Nah. What was the shortest amount of time you knew someone before dating them? However long Jason and I were "just friends." Just a few weeks. Which of your pets were you closest to in your lifetime? Teddy. Roman is very closely behind him. What last caused you jealousy? Do you think it was warranted? I don't want to talk about it. I don't know. What is your largest board on Pinterest? Probably my one full of fandom shit lmaoooo What was the name of the first guy/girl you dated? Aaron was the first person who ever had the "boyfriend" title. What was the name of the first guy/girl you want out on a date with? Like a one-on-one date, Jason. I know Aaron and I went to the skating rink once, but we were with friends. Have you ever had to go to a neurologist? I actually have an appointment with one coming up for my tremors, and also to check if my leg problems are actually a nerve-related issue (which I'm pretty much certain it's not). What's your favorite quote? I semi-recently saw a quote that said something like, "Don't put limits on your unlimited potential," and I loved it. I actually saved it in my phone. How many people do you know who work as hairdressers? List their names. At least two; the primary one my sisters and I (and sometimes Mom) see has a very unique name so I feel uncomfortable sharing it, and then my mom has another friend who likes to do hers named Anita. Have you ever filmed any TikToks? No, I don't even have an account. If you could meet any one YouTuber, which YouTuber would you choose to meet? Markiplier. Like, duh. Do you like the name Ellery? Ew, sorry but I don't at all. Reminds me of celery lmao. Which name do you like better: Felicity or Fiona? Both are beautiful, but I gotta go with Felicity. If you could join one dance class, which type of dance class do you think you'd most like to take? I LOVE modern-style dancing. I actually took modern when I DID do dance. I love how well it works with usually strange or more abstract music and REALLY tells a story. Does anyone in your family have diabetes? Diabetes runs severely through my family; my mom has it, as did her parents. I KNOW there are others, too.

[cheetahsprints]

Beyond the Surface

Words: 2822 Summary: Cisco couldn’t stand Harrison Wells. Crossing his path in an unexpected place would change that view permanently. Rating: Gen A/N: Title inspired by Fly Down - Stephen

Cisco tapped his pen on his mouth. He checked over his grocery list to be sure he got everything. It was just general foodstuff. He added some extra items.

- That new conditioner I heard about - All the bath bombs - Try the candle Caitlin suggested that smells like my kinda man called “Mechanical grease and Angst” - A recorder to piss off my grumpy neighbor. Tell him it's for a hipster band. - Dog food. - One of those big fake owls. It might freak out neighbors cats

Cisco always left without dog food. He underlined it three times. He chuckled at the recorder addition, picturing the constipated expression his neighbor would make. It wasn’t a challenge to antagonize him. Cisco was constantly finding new and creative ways to accomplish his mission.

His neighbor was also his professor. He was the unrelenting Harrison Wells. He cursed the day he incidentally moved to his floor, beside him to boot. The man was intelligent, handsome, and mysterious. Under most circumstances, Cisco would have a crush the size of Alaska. Unfortunately, Harrison Wells needed a personality transplant. He was an infuriating jackass. He gave not an inch, and he enjoyed pushing people over the edge.

Every day he passed the man’s giant door poster. It was a picture of the Grinch (cartoon version) that said: Don't bother me after 8 p.m. or I'll steal YOUR Christmas. The building supervisor had referred to him as only Mr. Grinch, due to this decor.

Cisco was willing to bet it was custom-made. Rumor had it that Professor Wells was a man of many talents. Cisco’s complaints also fell on deaf ears. Because no one else lived on this floor to corroborate his stories. Cisco didn't blame people for moving. On the bright side, he had to pay lower rent for this shit apartment location. The apartment itself was nice, with a big bathtub, walk-in closet, and balcony. It was worth Wells knocking on his door to tell him his party was too loud. Wells threatened to call the cops, but he never did. He knew Cisco would have it cleaned and shut down before they got halfway there.

His cats meowed all hours of the night. Cisco didn't know how he could hear them running around at night. Especially since one was a stick. One had also snuck into his apartment and shredded his stuffed Rocky the flying squirrel. It had been a present from his ex, Lisa. On one hand, technically kind of a good thing. On the other, he had liked that squirrel.

Cisco perked when he heard his six month old brown-and-white shih tzu mix yapping. He strolled out to the balcony. Sure enough, there they were. Wells’ stringy black and white oriental shorthair and tabby maine coon. The maine coon was the chillest animal on the planet, asleep to the tune of barking dog. That was the one that murdered his squirrel. Everytime Cisco left his apartment, the oriental starting yowling from behind Wells’ door. Then his puppy barked her head off.

Stevie, his brindle greyhound, appeared to investigate. He nudged Cisco curiously. He patted his service dog on the head absently. Cisco was prone to seizures. They were mostly random, but could sometimes be caused by distress. He grabbed a squeaky toy to distract Buttercup. He closed the balcony doors. He packed up and got Stevie in his work outfit. He expected to run into the Professor’s dumb face when he opened the door. He always complained about Buttercup’s barking even though he could just bring in his cats. Cisco had nothing against cats as a whole. He had everything against Wells’ disregard for the effects his cats had on others. Cisco was relieved when he was miraculously not there. He either decided to keep to himself or went out. Cisco saw enough of him in class, it just figured he would end up living beside him.

On a positive note, pissing him off was the most entertaining thing. He even drove him crazy in class. On the first day, Professor Wells had began by saying, “Science fact: The world around you is made up of protons, neutrons, morons, and electrons.”

When he said “morons” he had looked directly at Cisco. He wasn’t sure if Wells was presumptuous, if it was an accident, or if the man was prejudiced. Wells hadn’t eased up on him. He had called on Cisco to answer the toughest questions, contradicted all of his answers. Cisco wasn’t a special case, Wells was mean to other students, but they were slackers or whatever. He did have the potential for kindness, immediately helping anyone who seriously required it.

Either way, Cisco went out of his way to make his teaching aspect of life a bit of a nightmare. He pretended to be incredibly dumb in class, forcing Wells to cater to him. He would ace his tests and grin like a little shit.

He would ask the stupidest most basic questions, eyelashes fluttering like an infatuated schoolgirl. Wells was that “hot silver fox professor” as the women, and even some men, all of whom had no self respect, referred to him. They fawned over him. It was revolting. Cisco made them upset too by imitating their behavior. Wells always apparently lost his train of thought. He would sort of freeze on the spot, mouth open. He stuttered over his next words. It took everything Cisco had to hold in his laughter.

He kept the irritation to the minimum at home. Needless to say, but the airheads in his class didn’t believe Wells played the most obnoxious music at four in the morning. They didn’t believe he had a psychic connection to his cats and bid them to drive Cisco up the wall. They didn’t believe Wells pounded on the wall when Cisco played Christmas music. They didn’t believe he would sit on his balcony and throw things onto Cisco’s. Those objects had included: a wrench, a stupid singing toy from a dollar-per-item store, and even a rather large dildo. He had the supernatural ability to know when Cisco was studying. His hobby of throwing random shit would always scare the daylights out of Cisco.

For some reason, they did believe when he told them about the time Cisco had returned to his apartment shirtless. Some wiseass at he dog park had knocked him into a puddle of mud. At least, he hoped it was mud. He had thrown his shirt away and stormed home in a huff. Wells had seemed to choke on his own saliva when he saw Cisco. His blushing and stuttering was adorable. It was like he had never seen another man shirtless. 

Cisco figured he might’ve been offended by the tattoo, curling around his nipple and over his shoulder. Cisco had experienced a bit of a phase in his first semester of college. He lost a bet which required him to get the tats. They were pretty, and he luckily didn’t end up regretting his decision. He went through a bit of a ‘only get away with being young and dumb once’ phase. He cleared his less that stellar ideas and urges from his system, to pave the way for responsible adulting. He would have a lot of stories for his kids, if he ever felt like having any. Maybe he would tell the stories to Barry’s or Caitlin’s.

Stevie walked easily beside him in the Starling-Central City Shopping Center. He whistled a jaunty tune. He was having a pretty good day. He had satisfied with his level of studying for the upcoming exams and wasn’t exhausted. His new puppy hadn’t peed on the carpet this week. He hadn’t seen Wells’ annoying face yet.

He spoke too soon. He saw Wells, browsing in the assorted candles and incense. He glared at his turned back. He couldn’t believe the man chose this day to enter society and be shopping for something Cisco was looking to purchase. He tentatively stepped into the section, footsteps light. He hoped Wells wouldn’t see him.

He heard someone scoff and stage-whisper, “Do you see that rat he has in his cart? Like anyone believes that’s a real service dog.”

His girlfriend cackled. “What an asshole.”

Cisco’s gaze riveted on Wells’ little dog. She was a chihuahua-corgi mix named Rocket. Wells was secretive as hell. The only things Cisco knew was that he had a daughter and pets. That was due to the photos on his desk of a young girl in braces, a calm Chorgi with its tongue hanging out, next to the 85 % legs oriental shorthair (same pic) and one of the fluffy Maine coon. And there was a final faded, worn one of a German Shepherd/Dalmation in a doggie wheelchair next to an urn simply engraved Sam - Never Forget. Cisco had asked the little dog’s name, and gotten such a gruff reply that he didn’t inquire further.

It was simple to assume his professor was not much beyond a grumpy old jerk. His humanity seemed to be buried deep. He was robotic, functional enough to take care of pets and teach a class, that was all. Cisco would have to rethink that. Rocket was even cuter in person. Wells had obviously heard and he winced. He picked up Rocket, cradling her close. He marched up to the couple.

“Hey what is your deal? His dog is well-behaved, and he did nothing to you!” Cisco crossed his arms, raising his chin. The boyfriend attempted to tower over him, but he was no match for Cisco’s sheer force of will.

“Back off asshole,” The girlfriend butted in. “No one asked you.”

“I’m the asshole? It’s pretty rude to go around assuming things about someone’s life. For all you know, he nearly lost his life fighting in a war.”

“For all I know, you’re a phony too. Look at that - that thing you have. Is it imported from Africa or something?” The Dude narrowed his eyes at Stevie. And that was the end for Cisco.

“Listen here,” he said dangerously, voice flat. “Judgey tools like you is why we can’t have nice things. You can get that stick out of your ass and -”

Dude started making offended noises. The Girlfriend looked ready to jump on Cisco and tear his hair out. He braced himself. Let them try. A distinct high-pitched bark interrupted his tirade. His mouth shut with an audible click, and he whirled around. Rocket was back in the cart, whining, trying to get to Harrison Wells. He was crouched on the floor, all six feet of him. His hand was covering his eyes. The other hand was braced on the shelves. He was rocking back and forth, making breathy noises.

Cisco rushed over, argument forgotten. He wasn’t sure if he’d go to hell for it, but he gently picked up Rocket and placed her on the floor. He certainly lost his mind whenever someone tried to touch his well-trained greyhound on duty. But this seemed like an emergency. Rocket whined again and snuffled on Wells cheek. He sighed and pulled her close, taking deep breaths. Cisco shifted. He glanced over his shoulder to see that the couple had wandered off. Confrontation wasn’t always the best idea. Sometimes, his anger got the better of him. Stevie watched calmly. He looked a bit twitchy. He was always wary whenever Cisco got himself into tense situations.

Wells gained control of himself. His eyes were glazed for a moment, then it faded. His hands were shaking. Rocket was pressed close, licking at his face. He picked her up and stood, clutching her to his chest. He stared at Cisco with wide, bleary eyes. He had never seen Wells looking so spooked.

“Hey buddy. You good or do you need to call someone?”

“Did - did I hurt anyone? When episodes strike, I black out,” Wells explained at Cisco’s confused look. “I can be prone to violence because I think I’m. Back there.”

His voice was at such a low pitch. Cisco was stiff as a board. He shook out his hands, trying to loosen his muscles. He wasn’t afraid. He just wasn’t sure how to tread here.

“No it’s fine. You were kinda on the floor. Was that my fault?”

“They started it, you were only trying to defend me, thank you,” Wells replied.

He was surprisingly relaxed, for all that they didn’t get along. Cisco felt like a veil had been torn from in front of his eyes. He saw everything in front of him anew. He should really take some of his own advice.

“Well, it got a little out of hand ‘cause I don’t know when to shut my mouth and walk away sometimes. Can I - can I buy you some ice cream or something, Professor Wells?”

Wells blinked. Then he laughed, heartily. “You can call me Harry, Mr. Ramon.”

“Cisco!” He continued, mostly to himself, “Big Belly Burger sounds damn good right now.”

Harry nodded in agreement. Cisco indicated his cart. Harry began to pile his stuff inside. It was more efficient to take one cart. His eyes widened at the Star Wars paraphernalia. So, he was a fellow nerd too. There was probably so much Cisco didn’t know about him. These recent discoveries only scratched the surface. He suddenly had an overwhelmingly urgent desire to know everything that Harry would give him.

On the way to the in-store restaurant, Cisco said casually, “I have seizures. Stevie here, he’ll sit and howl when he senses one coming, so I can find a safe place. He stays by my side and helps me out. Completely necessary just like yours.”

“Some people think they’re smart. The reality being they know nothing at all,” Harry replied.

“I know that all I know is that I do not know anything,” Cisco said and snorted. “That guy didn’t even know how to remove the stick in his ass.”

“There’s no proof of that phrase, but the spirit of it is true.”

They finished their meals, bought separately, and Harry paid for their ice cream. Cisco opened his mouth to protest. He was silenced by Harry’s glare.

“I’m sorry I act empty-headed in your class,” Cisco confessed.

Harry nodded and lapped at his ice cream. He smiled as he scooped some with two fingers and fed it to Rocket. Absurdly, Cisco’s stomach started doing acrobatics. He couldn’t pinpoint the cause. He scratched Stevie’s ears, who made a dog-sigh of content.

“I’m sorry for being a difficult neighbor,” Harry offered. “Let’s promise to be at least civil to one another for now on?”

“Agreed. Life will be much easier. And we’re totally having a Star Wars marathon.”

Harry grinned. He rubbed at his lips with a finger. Cisco gnawed on his cone and watched him for a moment. He felt a stab of guilt. He had despised Harry for his behavior. He was a hypocrite. He saw now he had acted the exact same way and judged him. He knew next to nothing about his private life, because he presumed that he did not have one. What did he think? That Harry went home and hooked himself up to a charger?

The man probably had dreams, hobbies, as many likes as dislikes. Hell, Cisco had known he had a family he must care about, from the picture of his daughter on his desk. Cisco distantly noticed Harry had no wedding ring. Somewhere, under all that brain and bluster, Cisco was beginning to see his heart.

The best restart would be to address the root of the problem. Then they could clear the air. He licked his lips nervously. He locked his fingers in his lap and leaned forward. Harry folded his arms on the table, chin lifting in preparation.

Cisco kept his voice soft and not accusing. “Why did you single me out the first day of class?”

“Are you kidding? I heard you were practically wunderkind,” Harry answered in an incredulous tone. “I was very impressed with your records.”

“Seriously? I grew up in the most obscure town.”

“I’m in the habit of keeping an eye on talent. Finding out you were in my class made my entire week, which isn’t saying much, but still. You are the most brilliant and creative person I’ve met, aside from my daughter.”

Cisco internally preened, a flush of pleasure coming over him. He had a weakness for direct compliments of his talents. He realized that also meant Harry had believed in exactly none of his bullshit. Harry pointed at his own face and raised his eyebrows. Cisco squinted at him. Harry spread his hand and made circles. Cisco scrambled in embarrassment to wipe his face off. He found it wasn’t as bad as Harry indicated. He scowled.

“You say such sweet things. But you’re still a dick.”

“Did you really expect anything else?”

[adambstingus]

People Share 35 Hilarious Habits Their Pets Have And They’re Too Good

We’ve seen dogs being weird and pets bringing home the weirdest of items, so it’s no surprise that our closest (usually) four-legged friends can be really, really bizarre. Some say that pets can be so close to their owners, that they eventually mimic some behavior and we know anything about humans, we know that our own species can have some pretty strange habits. That’s why it doesn’t surprise anyone that pets can be a little… “out there” with their actions. Well, as long as they’re not hurting anyone, we guess? People of Reddit decided to share some of the weirdest, yet harmless habits their pets have, and, let’s be honest, some are pretty darn weird. Scroll down to check them out and don’t forget to comment, as well as vote for your favorites. Oh, and if you have some weird stories of your own, share them with other pandas! (Facebook cover image: sipa)

#1

#2

I am not allowed to get mad, If I yell, raise my voice, or even sound angry my cat pumpkin will get up from wherever she is and run over. She will then mew gently and grab at my arm with her paws while mewing. She pulls my hands to her head and rubs her head on me trying to get me to calm down. It works though so theres that.

#3

Growing up, we had a chocolate lab named Kody. Kody had a few oddities and idiosyncrasies about him. My parents are beer drinkers, and Kody would learn how to open each and every cooler we ever had so that he could eat all of the ice. That dog LOVED ice, he would eat it until he had what we called “brain freezers” or these mini little seizures (he was fine, but it was a weird habit). Another time, Kody was out pooping in the yard and we saw a bunch of cloth coming out of his butt. Turns out, it was an ace bandage that had to be surgically removed. Upon opening his stomach they found a silver dollar, a few bobby pins, the ace bandage and a billiards cue ball. Now, here’s the kicker- we didn’t own a pool table, and our closest neighbor was 5 miles away, who also did not own a pool table. We never did find out where he got that cue ball from. He lived to be 15 years old and passed away peacefully two years ago. Miss you, buddy.

#4

My dog has ‘takeaway’ every time she eats. She won’t stand at her bowl. She stuffs her mouth full of dry food and then sits near me wherever I am, spits out all her food and eats it one bit at a time. When she is finished it she repeats it all.

#5

My pet rat, Doctor, likes to poop when she is hanging from the bars of her cage and making eye contact with me or my fiancee.

She knows it makes us uncomfortable. She don’t care.

#6

My cat likes to shower with me. He will sit and drink the water as it runs until i use shower gel, then he will sit on the edge silently judging me for contaminating our lord water.

#7

I have a giant Maine-coon Siamese mix tomcat. His thing is to bring up laundry from the basement during the night. The weird thing is that he’s pretty good at taking clothes into the right rooms. I don’t know if he does it by smell or what – but it’s pretty normal for me to wake up to a pile of my socks, my daughters some of theirs, etc. He also chirps and meows the entire time he’s making his deliveries – which is pretty funny in and of itself.

#8

My dog can’t go anywhere without his toy. My girlfriend calls it his “girlfriend”. If we go outside he will bring the little stuffed animal with him and drop it somewhere. If we tell him to “go find your girlfriend” he will search frantically for it until it’s found.

#9

#10

My boyfriends cat loves to snuggle up on people’s chests and then slooowly and veeery gently place her paw (with claws out and toes spread) and just .. place it on their mouth.

Does anyone know what the heck she’s trying to get out of this?

#11

My dog can sense when I’m about to fart and will stick his nose near my ass crack to smell it and then run away in disgust after. I have no idea why he continues to do it when it clearly annoys him

#12

#13

My lardass cat has this weird cake infatuation. (Ha ha I know). Not to eat. She likes to lay on them. I can’t count how many cooling cakes I had to throw out because she decided to take a nap on them. I have to hide them somewhere to cool and frost. I also had to buy a solid cake saver because she would lay on my old one and crush the lid into the cake.

My favorite was when my son turned one, we had the unwrapped cake sitting on the counter waiting for cake time, and she tried to lay in it. When I came in to get it all the frosting is pulled off in the center and one pissed off frosting covered cat under my bed.

Yet she still does it.

#14

We have a Great Dane/greyhound mix named Keelah who, on occasion, absolutely must sniff my boyfriend’s belly button. I’ve never seen a dog get so derpy about it before. She’ll jump up and put her paws on his shoulder and stick her nose in his stomach until he gives in and pulls his shirt up so she can sniff. She’s really, really weird.

#15

Our cat pulls my dresser drawer open and sleeps in the socks after he arranges them into a cozy “cat bed” for himself.

#16

Our golden retriever has 3 comfort blankets that he folds and carries around with him.

#17

My SO’s dog, Lola, farts when we enter the car.

Everytime.

#18

My best friend’s kitten (to whom I am a kitten aunt by proxy) has a new habit of running down the stairs at top speed and launching himself onto the sofa.

She swears he’s either going to kill her with a heart attack or he’s going to f**king miss the sofa and go claws-first into her face, and she’s not sure which.

#19

My dog smiles whenever he wants something. He started showing his teeth when he got excited to see us after long periods of times (i.e. vacations) and we would say “What a pretty smile!” He made the connection to the word and now will do it on command and pretty much whenever he wants our food. Kind of like a “hey look I’m smiling, I’m pretty!” Some people probably think it’s bad that he does it because he’s technically showing his teeth, but you can tell it’s not aggressive or in a bad way. I think it’s hilarious.

#20

My cat loves to watch the toilet flush for some reason – he would even come running from other rooms in his house at the sound of a flush when he was younger. I guess it’s mostly harmless, but I have found toys in the toilet before the lid down rule was put in place (my assumption is so that he can watch them zoom around too).

#21

You know how cats, especially kittens will “nurse” on things? Like knead their paws and suck on something like a blanket?

Yeah, my 10 year old dog does that.

#22

My cat chews through bags to eat bread. Doesn’t matter the container or the type of bread. And because he drools he can dissolve any kind of paper bag in a minute. It’s bizarre but he was a stray so I figure he used to do that to survive.

#23

My cat licks walls. often for 10 minute intervals. i wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of his sandpaper tongue scritch-scratching at the wall.

#24

My cat used to sit on my couch, like a person would with her 2 back legs outstretched in front of her, and then proceed to bend down and suck on her own nipples while purring very loudly. It was weird.

#25

My parrot is obsessed with ears. He will happily spend 15-20 minutes delicately nibbling on the rim of my ear, carefully scraping his beak around the inside, and licking all over. Last time I saw my doctor for a physical and she got to the otoscope part of the exam, she exclaimed, “Wow, your ears are remarkably clean!” Gee, I wonder why…

#26

My chihuahua sneaks to her water dish. We have no idea why. She does this almost every day at varied times. If her water is dirty or if the dish is empty she will keep sneaking until the situation is fixed.

#27

#28

We don’t have pets in the main country the Netherlands where we reside but we got a ton of them in my fathers country Russia. We own a big piece of ground and a forest, with 23 white Russian wolves and 3 Caucasian owcharkas. The wolves have some weird habits and one of them is that they greet each other and their pups by friendly biting them in their neck, it still that scares the shit out of guests and relatives that we usually have over.

#29

After I take a shower, my collie mix insists on rolling in my towels.

When I have the towel on my head and I’m laying down.. He tries to roll in it.

If I’m sitting with the towel on my head, he tries to roll in it.

Then when I inevitability throw them on the floor he has a field day.

#30

My cat would be happy with his eyes closed purring and layed down my side and then suddenly look in the direction of the corner of the room with his eyes completely open. When I look there’s nothing there. It’s scary

#31

My German shepherd is a hoarder. He has a hiding spot behind a chair and underneath a table, and he’s been building a stash that we have to go in every week or so and clean out. Usually it’s just wrappers and random s**t he “sneaks” out of our trash cans. This last weeks clean out consisted of 3 of my oven mitts and a pudding cup. He doesn’t chew on anything, he just likes to have stuff.

#32

She stares at me while I sleep. From 3″ away. When I open my eyes all I see are these huge solid black eyes in a weirdly diagonal white face.

I wake up convinced that I have been abducted by aliens.

#33

One of our cats will climb up onto the back of our couch while we’re watching a movie or something and loudly clean his butthole.

#34

My dog does this little boner dance whenever he has a boner. He slides across the floor and humps the air rapidly until his doggy-boner goes down.

#35

My cat swats/punches his water dish a few times before drinking it. It splashes everywhere. No clue why.

Just thought of something else! He is long haired floofy cat (peach/blondie), and we have a fuzzy blanket similarly coloured. My cat often licks it to clean it, mistaking it for himself.

My cat talks to herself if she thinks no one is around. I’ll come home or go to a side of the house that I haven’t been in all day and hear her meowing and chirping and howling. Once she realizes I’m there, she’ll stop. I’ve been able to sneak up on her a couple of times and it’s pretty bizarre to watch. She’ll just be walking around the room making sounds. She doesn’t do it that often. I wish I could catch it on video

#37

Step 1: Drop the tennis ball into my hand so I can throw it across the room for him to fetch

Step 2: Retrieve the tennis ball and start gnawing on it with his head halfway under the couch

Step 3: Drop the ball and have it roll to an unreachable distance under the couch

Step 4: Stare at me and moan loudly until I am convinced to walk over to the couch the ball is under and lay on the floor, struggling to reach far enough. Eventually I just lift the couch so he can get far enough underneath it to grab the ball back

Repeat incessantly

#38

My cat “nurses” on a blanket we have. But only if the blanket is on me. It’s like the little f**ker actually thinks I am his mother. He’s strange. He also likes to play fetch and attack people who come over to visit. Weirdo.

#39

My cat will sit in the bathtub for hours and meow at passersby to turn the water on for him. Then when someone finally gives in, he will splash around for about a minute and then go drag his big wet furry feet over someone/my pillow.

Every morning he will excitedly hang over the edge of the bathtub, waiting for me to turn on the shower. Once I do, it takes him about two seconds to realise what’s going on, and then he panics and scrambles as fast as he can out of the tub.

Weirdo.

#40

My cat nurses on his own tail. He will creepily come up and lay really close to you, curl in a ball, and start sucking away at the end of his tail. Sometimes he’ll even look you in the eye while he does it.

I know it’s a comfort thing to him, I found him alone when he was just a baby, but it’s a pretty weird thing to do.

#41

My cat Miles will run to the other side of the house and meow to his brother Murphy. You can tell it’s a “Hey!! Come check this out!” and he’ll keep doing it until Murphy finally gets up and goes to look. Sometimes though, Murphy says eff that and stays where he is, leaving Miles to meow at nothing for like an hour. Finally he’ll show up and look at Murphy like, “Didn’t you hear me!!?” No but we did!

#42

My male cat likes to stand in the corner, face the wall, and sing the song of his people. My female kitten likes to meow at me and then hide when I walk over to pet her. She’s a jerk.

#43

My friend has a really bizarre cat, she loves to be spanked. She will lie down with her butt in the air for people to pat her right above the tail. The harder the better.

She also loves to be spun around on an office chair, she jumps up on the back of it and holds on with her claws to be spun around. Spinning + smacking her butt every time she passes = kitty bliss.

My rat loved snot and would grab all my used tissues to lick inside them.

#44

My pit asks for permission every night before getting in bed with us. We have never told him to stay off of furniture, but he always asks. He does that weird howl/growl/bark thing that “talking” dogs do.

#45

My cat, O’Malley, will always smell a new person’s shoes when I bring people over. When he is finished, he looks over at me and makes a stupid face.

#46

Not sure if this counts but my snake falls off of everything. Put him around your neck he falls off. He falls while trying to climb up or down my chair, desk, and always plops off my bed if I am not watching him. He will even get excited smelling something so he will point his head straight up and extend his body up until he falls backwards belly up. Will also do this while swallowing his food.

#47

One of my three cats is a monster. He is kinda fat but stocky/muscular too. He is 6 and weighs about 20 pounds.

Anyways, he will lick plastic bags. We are always afraid he will suffocate himself because he will stick his head down inside the bag and lick for as long as we’ll let him.

He also steals paper clips. My mom was working on her doctorate and she had mountains of papers and a lot of paperclips on them. The crazy cat would dig through all of the papers and pull off the paper clips with his teeth. And he hid them all under the rug that was under the couch so we couldn’t see them.

And he plays very rough. We found out the hard way that he enjoys being spanked. We caught him fighting another cat and gave him a tap on the behind to get him to stop, and he fell on the floor and started purring. And when I scratch his chin, he isn’t happy until I scratch as hard as I physically can, to the point where I think I’m gonna dig up all of his fur.

#48

She won’t eat unless both my husband and I are seated in the family room watching TV. It’s pretty inconvenient on busy days.

#49

My dog (a husky) will make a gap in his food with his snout, then will yowl at the nearest human like he’s hungry and there’s no food in the bowl, until you pick his bowl up, shake the gap out and put it back down again. He will eat it then!

#50

My cat licks people…all the time and all over. It’s odd when you wake up in the middle of the night being licked and realize it’s not the dog doing it.

#51

My Australian Shepherd likes to sneeze in the clean laundry as it comes out of the dryer. It has turned into a two person job to get laundry done without dog sneezes on it. One to distract the dog and the other to hustle the laundry into the basket and to safety.

#52

Anytime we Hoover a carpet my Jack Russell has to ‘swim’ all over it, because God forbid it not have his fur on it

Also, he regularly sneakily drinks our cups of tea.

#53

My male dog licks my female dogs cooch after she pees, then his lips and jaw quiver as he drools. Freakin weirdo.

#54

My cat is afraid of the dishwasher, I guess. Not the sound of the dishwasher running, the sound of me taking s**t out of it and putting it away. He is mostly silent, maybe a welcome meep when I get home. But the dishwasher…man. Mayhem. It’s been seven years and he still freaks the f**k out every single time.

#55

My English bulldog Shelby will sit with her back to me and try and look at me upside down by leaning back until she falls down. She does the same thing in the car. I thought it might be vertigo but she just really seems to enjoy it.

#56

When I’m away from my husky for more than about eight hours she will likely howl at me and make a big deal, like she’s cussing me out.

#57

Run run run, locks up front legs slide slide slide, roll roll roll. How does she not break her neck?

#58

My pancho gets super worked up and then immediately thinks he needs to drink water. This usually results in him coughing up any water he just drank and freaking out about coughing.

My sisters mastiff likes to sit down next to your leg and lean on your leg and stare at you but he’s so heavy he often pushes people over with his lean.

#59

One of my cats likes to get in the lower branches of bushes (and the Christmas tree, as it turns out) and just chill. Just sit there in the branches, eight inches off the ground.

#60

My cat likes hair ties. He swallowed one once and he proceeded to prance around the living room with the rubber piece hanging out of his asshole. I now have to hide them all so I’m not paying for surgery on his dumb ass.

My dogs also go around licking each other’s assholes and the cats assholes. They also won’t sleep unless they are buried under a blanket.

My female cat rubs her head on EVERYTHING and has a weird fascination with doing this on shoes.

#61

My cat Wookie has an intense love of the bathroom. He will lay on the edge of the bathtub while I take a bath, will sit on the bathmat and watch us shower, and loves the toilet. He loves to watch it flush, likes to watch my husband pee (has gotten pee on his head from trying to watch from the wrong angle) and likes to try to pull toilet paper up out of the toilet while it is flushing, which is pretty gross. Weird cat.

#62

Not mine but my SO’s dog, Bacon… Cannot poop unless he is backed up against something.

When we first started dating I used to get to his apartment before he got off work so I would take the dog for a walk. Like any male Bacon must pee on everything to ensure its his. Which meant sometimes I didn’t realize that he wasn’t sniffing the same place to pee but to find the prefect article in which to place his butt against and would tug him along and ruin the whole process… Which meant about five minutes of the behavior or him deciding to hold it.

#63

My dog likes to eat beaded jewelry. I shouldn’t say eat, he sucks on it until it comes apart, and then he abandons it and acts innocent.

#64

My dog take his blankey or his bed and will suck on it with his eyes closed. We assume he thinks he’s nursing. He also occasionally humps his bed before sucking on it. Harmless but weird as s**t.

#65

My GF’s cat poops in the litterbox, then immediately tries to cover it by making digging motions on the floor/wall next to the litterbox. Never inside. Not sure if dumb or just a c**t.

#66

My Doberman likes to climb up in bed with my SO and I, and just stare at us while standing over one of us.

#67

#68

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/people-share-35-hilarious-habits-their-pets-have-and-theyre-too-good/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/183958094802

[goblinhorde]

Tagged by @strangelock :D

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and then tag ten blogs you would like to get to know better. Or don’t. It’s up to you.

Nickname: does Goblin count? It's less a nickname and more a second name...

Sign: Aquarias

Favorite Music Artist: I tend to center more around albums (e.g., Avengers Assemble, Hamilton, The Browncoats Mixtap) or songs (e.g., Young Volcanos by Fall Out Boy, Shatter Me by Lindsey Stirling, Radioactive by Pentatonix) at any given time rather than specific artists. But I've loved David Bowie since I was a kid and I've been listening to Lizzo a lot lately while I work.

Last TV Show You Watched: I binged Supernatural and Emerald City on Friday because I was sick and staying home from work, but haven't watched anything outside of YouTube since.

Last Movie You Saw in the Theater: Technically, the last thing I saw in theaters was the Sherlock finale, but if we're only counting movies, Moana.

What Are You Wearing Right Now: sneakers with prescription orthotic inserts, knee-high toe socks, jeans, a t-shirt that says "Epic Rap Battles of History” from the ERB YouTube channel, a Burning Man sweatshirt my camp made as "camp swag" two(?) years ago switched to a plain grey sweatshirt since I started this last night but now I’m at work and that’s the sweatshirt I keep handy at work, right wrist: an oversized, men's Fossil watch, left wrist: FitBit, Supernatural replica skull bracelet, red/white meditation bracelet with a turtle on it (to represent Raphael from TMNT), a bee bracelet with honey-colored beads (to represent Sherlock Holmes).

What Do You Post: Anything that moves me (fandom related or otherwise), random stuff about my day/thoughts, and auto-posts from my Instagram that are often usually of my dog, Raphael, Tiny Dog, or the other members of the Puppy Pack (Gus, York, Buddha, Pax, and Gato).

Do You Have Any Other Blogs: Technically I have a Wordpress blog on my website, but it's rare that I post anything there (although I'm hoping to change that this year!).

Why Did You Choose Your URL: I've used some form of "goblin" as my online handle since around 1995. When I had to pick a username for Xbox Online circa 2005, all my usual goblin variants were taken so I tried "goblinhorde" as a last resort and it worked. I've used it pretty consistently online (especially on social media) ever since :)

Do You Get Asks Regularly: No, I think I've probably had less than 5 since I joined Tumblr :( I suspect I’m not terribly interesting to others *shrug*.

Hogwarts House: I'm half Native American so forget Hogwarts, native magics all the way, yo!

Patronus: Phoenix, maybe? I seem to rebuild/renew my life in significant ways every 5 years or so... *shrug*

Pokémon Team: Originally I thought I'd be Team Mystic, mostly because I like blue better than red, but I play with my mom and she picked Team Valor so I went with Team Valor as well :)

Favorite Color: Blue or green in deep, earthy tones.

Favorite Character: Dean Winchester & Castiel & Crowley (Supernatural), Raphael (TMNT), Sherlock Holmes & John/Joan Watson (all the things), Patty Tolan & Jillian Holtzmann & Kevin Beckman & Egon Spengler & Ray Stanz (Ghostbusters), Peter Venkman (RGB fanfic/fanon mostly), Spock (ST:TOS), Worf (ST:TNG/DS9), Alexia Tarabotti (The Parasol Protectorate Series), Paksenarrion (The Deed of Paksenarrion), Abbie Mills (Sleepy Hollow), Eliot Spencer (Leverage).

Hobbies/crafts? Gardening, cooking, reading, swimming, and writing/editing. Again, haven't had a lot of energy for personal writing the last few years but I’m hoping to change that this year.

Collect anything? Does knowledge count? I really love learning about things (especially food, culture, language, and storytelling). Re: physical collections, I recently gave in to my love of pens & analog writing equipment and have a very small pen and ink collection started :) and I also really like art (e.g., paintings, drawings, prints, original comic pages, handmade stuff, sculptures, carvings). As a general rule I'm not super into physical "things" that don't serve a purpose, but if something I love has a book or t-shirt or sticker, I'm probably going to buy it eventually, especially if I can support an independent artist or small company in doing so... and I guess, technically, I collect Pokemon on my smartphone ;D

Current challenges you face? I'm two months into a new job and I still feel like I'm floundering/ramping up/not pulling my weight. Lots of health challenges lately (bad feet/ankles, Crohn's being annoying, and a smattering of colds/bugs). The general state of dumpster landfill fire that is my country at the moment :(

Things you’re looking forward to? Lots of things: A "Sugar Cookie Tea" with one nephew (we're gonna make German Sugar Cookies and watch Tinkerbell movies) and a "Pokemon Go walk" with another (gonna walk around the neighborhood and catch Pokemon). Seeing two of my closest friends get married (I am excite! ^_^). The Atlanta Pen show (my first!). Seeing Hamilton in the spring (omg!). The STC Summit (tech writing ftw!). Burning Man. And I'm really hoping Sherlock Seattle happens again this year (and that I'll be able to go).

Anything you want to promote? Logic, compassion, empathy, the Scientific Method, the fact that "free speech" != "speech without consequence or a guaranteed platform", responsible pet ownership, penmanship, The Oxford Comma.

Anything else you’d like to share? My dog, Raphael, is a Chihuahua/Xoloitzcuintli mix (he has the frame of a Xolo and the coat/coloring of a Chihuahua). I had never heard of the Xoloitzcuintli before I got him but Xolos are basically my favorite breed now. The nearly-hairless ones with the little mohawk tufts on their heads are the best <3

Tagging: @sallyskellington18, @completelyrandomtumbling, @purpleshoeofsex, @anonsally, @green-circles, @the-sign-of-tea, @waltzforthree, @frantasticmissfox, @boyfrienddean, @pursuitofnerdiness

[catalogercas]

11 Facts

rules: Tell your followers 11 random facts about yourself and tag 11 people. Tag backs are allowed but if you do get tagged again you must not repeat any of the facts you mentioned in the previous round. The facts can be absolutely anything, whatever comes to mind first.

1. I dropped a lamp on my foot when I was 11. I was trying to get a duffel bag out of my parents closet to pack for vacation and the l lamp was on top of it. I really needed stitches but refused to get them. I had a butterfly bandage instead and couldn’t get in the hot tub or go ice skating the whole time we were in Gatlinburg (which, for anyone that doesn’t know, is a touristy town in the mountains of Tennessee that was recently devastated by forest fires). 

2. I have two dogs -- a chihuahua (Lucy) and a corgi/spaniel mix (Tucker). Lucy is technically my sister’s dog and Tucker is technically my brother’s. But ask both dogs, and I assure you, if they could talk, they would tell you they’re mine. They’re the neediest little beasts (and are currently both lying on my bed under my covers). I love them though. 

3. I’m currently working on a challenge for myself and my nephew of reading 1000 children’s books before he starts Kindergarten in the fall. We’re currently at 574/1000. I feel like I’ve successfully made him love books. 

4. When I was in the 8th grade, I watched Bonkers and part of The Lion King every night before I went to bed. 

5. I once hit a bullseye on a dartboard in a bar with my eyes closed -- there were two witnesses to this, my friend Emily and my Greek professor. 

I spent quite a bit of time trying to do it again, but, well, eyes open, eyes closed, I never even got close. 

6. I won a Halloween costume contest in the 2nd grade for “Most Creative Costume.” I was dressed as Cotton Candy. 

7. I once climbed on the roof of an ancient ruin in Egypt with my friend Emily after we had explicitly been told not to. 

The view was amazing. 

8. I never drink, really, mostly because I don’t like alcohol.... so, because I had one once before and liked the taste of it, I once ordered a Long Island Iced Tea for dinner; I was eating with classmates and professors -- not thinking that the previous time I went back to my dorm and like instantly fell asleep. I barely drank any of it, but I’m still embarrassed. 

9. While watching Lord of the Rings in theatres, I dropped my own ring under the seat and spent a fair amount of the movie looking for it. 

During the same viewing, of the third movie, a woman in front of me asked her date “What’s the deal with the ring?” 

10. I stayed up until 5 a.m. watching The Muppet Show because I couldn’t sleep before my final exam of the year/I was also supposed to leave on vacation the next day.  

But, anyway, I was deeply offended to learn, after receiving The Muppet Christmas Carol for Christmas this year, that the rest of my family hates the Muppets.  

11. I want to write a YA novel. 

[sinceileftyoublog]

Pitchfork Music Festival 2019: 7/19-7/21

Stereolab

BY JORDAN MAINZER 

You’ve heard it by now: The weather was mostly shit. Triple-digit-feeling temperatures for a day and a half, a torrential downpour that had half of the security guards incorrectly telling people the fest was cancelled for the rest of the day when it was only Kurt Vile for the 50th time. Those who came back were rewarded with Stereolab, those who left hopefully came back for a beautiful day on Sunday that was also unexpectedly the best day for music. After all these years, Pitchfork is still full of surprises. Here are some of the sets that surprised us.

Great Black Music Ensemble

Part of the Association for the Advancement of Creative Musicians (AACM), the Great Black Music Ensemble were a bold choice for the festival to choose as the kick-off performance. In the past, equally far out acts like Sun Ra’s Arkestra and Irreversible Entanglements have at least played early on the third day of their respective years. But this year’s group started out undoubtedly captivating, starting chanting backstage before entering, continuing to chant while filling up the stage, their backs turned to the audience. When they turned to face us, saxophonist Ernest Dawkins, the animated maestro, led the band with finger-pointing and swooping direction through grooves and scatty jazz, backing off for percussion solos and swells of horn. As hot as it was, it was an invigorating set to start the day.

MIKE

Whether or not you were familiar with New York-based MC MIKE, it was easy to be swept up in his infectious energy and positive vibes. For one, before he rapped any words, he humbly shouted out the Great Black Music Ensemble that had just finished, along with future performers that day Standing on the Corner, Rico Nasty, Valee, and Earl Sweatshirt. Then, with family members in attendance, he delivered a lyrically dexterous, no-bullshit set that nonetheless left room for him to show his appreciation to the crowd. “Y’all ready for bars?” he asked before showing off his spit skills. “Make some noise for yourselves,” he repeatedly demanded of the crowd; when he spelled out the first three letters of his name and the crowd responded with a loud “E!!”, he laughed, “Y’all could have said anything...but you said ‘E!!’” The bouncy beats got the crowd in the mood to move and yell even as the weather continued to scorch.

Standing on the Corner

Like their jazz brethren Great Black Music Ensemble, Brooklyn-based experimental collective Standing on the Corner consisted of a bevy of musicians, orchestrated by a leader, Gio Escobar. Unlike the soulfulness of GBME, SOTC were noisy, their jazz venturing as much into surf punk and neo-classical music as it did hip hop. In the quieter moments, you could hear Rico Nasty booming across the park, but for the most part, the genre-bending crew held their own, never descending into chaos. Collaborator Earl Sweatshirt, standing on the side of the stage, looked impressed.

Valee

If you’re gonna wait this long to appear on stage and pump up the crowd for minutes, you better as hell bring it. About the only thing Valee brought on stage was his dyed red Chihuahua. Whether “I’ve Got Whatever”, “Juice & Gin”, “Extra”, or “Miami”, the local rapper’s set embodied the most disappointing of what rap sets can be: lazy and overdependent on the backing track disguised as some semblance of “chillness.” (See Earl Sweatshirt below for how to do that well.) By the time he played his beloved banger “Womp Womp”, you wished he had pulled an ILoveMakonnen and played it twice instead of something else.

Sky Ferreira

In a career filled with missteps, Sky Ferreira has managed to release just enough brilliance to not just stick around but become an anticipated artist. Friday’s set was that quintessential mix of misstep and perfection. Her follow-up to 2013′s Night Time, My Time has been in the works for the better part of the 2010′s but has only yielded one comeback track: “Downhill Lullaby”. She didn’t perform that song on Friday (it was sound-checked); in fact, she didn’t perform many songs at all. Teasing the crowd with audio of untouchable classics like Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams”, Talking Heads’ “Naive Melody (This Must Be The Place)”, and David Bowie’s “Fame”, Ferreira walked out late. By that time, her band members had already been on stage taking pictures of the crowd and each other. With a deadpan “Hi”, she launched into “24 Hours”, “Boys”, “Ain’t Your Right”, and the powerhouse “I Blame Myself”. Unfortunately, that’s when the technical issues started. Backing tracks of her voice started prematurely playing, inadvertently revealing her cover of choice, an otherwise flawless rendition of Til Tuesday’s “Voices Carry”. “Everything that’s gone wrong has,” she told the crowd, unable to hear herself sing, the band trying to start the shoegazey new song “Descending” multiple times before she just decided to do “Everything Is Embarrassing”. She and her band were eventually abruptly cut off by an impatient Earl Sweatshirt, leaving her set in the same thematic category as The Avalanches: Legendary performances that never were.

Earl Sweatshirt

As I was saying: This is how you use the crippling heat to your advantage. The slow, cloudy, warbling production of all of Earl Sweatshirt’s songs is as perfect for barely swaying and slightly nodding as it is hands-up palm pumping. Starting off with the gentle surf-and-horn tones of Some Rap Songs’ “Riot!” and getting the one sexually aggressive remnant of his pre-I Don’t Like Shit days out of the way (Doris’ “Molasses”), Earl delivered standouts with no fanfare: “Grief”, “December 24″, non-album tracks like “Wind In My Sails”. And while he began the set with Some Rap Songs’ closer, he finished it with his latest masterpiece’s opener, the soulful “Shattered Dreams”, as if to emphasize that his music puts you in such a haze, that it becomes cyclical, never-ending, never-beginning. It just always was, and that’s not sun poisoning.

Pusha T

The excellence of Daytona aside, a Pusha T greatest hits set--solo standouts, features, Clipse--was always going to be the best festival move. He delivered, and then some. Barging onto the stage with full force, speedily spitting the entire first verse of “If You Know You Know” sans backing track, Pusha relentlessly burned through song after song of dragon fire. My Name Is My Name highlight “Nosetalgia” and banger “Numbers on the Boards” and King Push’s hard-nosed “F.I.F.A.” proved to be the show-ready hits we always knew they would be. It’s hard to believe that My Name is technically Pusha’s solo debut, since his rapping often dominated both features and Clipse, so when he dedicated a string of songs to those who had “been with him since the beginning,” I did sort of a double-take. What he meant was his verses on My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy’s “So Appalled” and “Runaway” as well as--wait for it--Clipse’s immortal “Grindin’”. By the time he got to the original Drake diss track, you didn’t even care whether he would follow it up with “The Story Of Adidon”. You were already out of breath and in awe.

Mavis Staples

If you had told me that a singer’s new album contained the line, “All that we are is the living ghost of our youth,” Mavis Staples would have been my last guess as to who that singer was. Then again, the reflective, often somber nature of her latest great album We Get By makes sense: her sister Yvonne passed away last year, and she’s only six years removed from the death of her other sister, Cleotha. As such, she’s mourning again the absence of both of those women and her father, Pops. Combine that with the current political climate, one that Staples has spent her entire life fighting, and you start to become surprised that the album’s not straight-up dour. But Staples doesn’t do depressing: She finds beauty in the darkest moments, using them to raise up both herself and others. It was this spirit that pervaded her Friday evening set. “I’m a fighter, I’m a lover, there is no other way,” she admitted on “Anytime”, “Could be one or the other on any given day.” The ambiguity of the title track, meanwhile, paying tribute to the power of a relationship that could be a lover or a friend--really anyone--meant that the difference between the Ben Harper-featuring album version (he wrote and produced the album) and vocal presence of one of her singers was negligible. It was the emotion that counted.

But what made her set brilliant was that in the context of her new album, the songs chosen outside of the album fit its themes of political urgency and self-improvement. “I’m working on me,” Staple sang on “Take Us Back”, her voice as gravely and powerful as ever. The necessity of change detailed on “Build a Bridge” mirrored that on the first track of We Get By where she asks, “What good is freedom if we haven’t learned to be free?” To Staples, freedom means the constant improvement of society, a sentiment as far-reaching back as The Staples Singers’ “Touch a Hand, Make a Friend”. She could have performed more from We Get By--album closer “One More Change” is Staples’ promise to do everything she can to get us out of this current shitstorm--but a quick sign-off of “No Time For Crying” is just as effective. Staples’ set was the rare one that made her new album AND old albums even more affecting.

Album score: 8.5/10

Lala Lala

Mid-day heat was not enough to offset the whispery voice of Lala Lala’s Lillie West combined with the dreamy instrumentation of her band of Chicago all-stars, which included V.V. Lightbody’s Vivian McConnell, Nnamdi Ogbonnaya, and Sen Morimoto. West and company played largely from last year’s breakout album The Lamb, but the true standouts were “Siren 042″, her collaborative track with WHY?, the band’s sweeping, blistering cover of Perfume Genius’ “Slip Away”, and statement of identity “Lala Song”. “Do you guys like screaming?” West asked the crowd, sure of the answer. The propulsive, saxophone-filled dirge consisted of wordless harmonies and the increasingly loud repeated mantras of “I’m not even listening / You’re not even nothing,” an anthem if there ever was one. Oh, and unlimited props to the band for donating all merch proceeds that day to RAICES.

Ric Wilson

Like MIKE on Friday, Ric Wilson brought the type of set you could walk into with no prior knowledge and leave a huge fan, almost entirely due to his charisma. It’s not just that he knows how to make a crowd feel good. He knows how to make a crowd feel good about themselves without sacrificing what makes him unique. Sure, on the surface, leading off with a song called “We Love Us” could cause some curmudgeons to walk away for a beer. But Wilson came to play not for those people but to pay back to the crowd of the first music festival he ever attended, delivering a positive mix of hip hop and soul: “Black art, not bad art,” he proudly declares on “Banba”. As such, he brought out Kweku Collins and the Lane Tech Marching Band and led what his band claimed was the world record for the largest soul train, jumping in the crowd to dance during it. He channeled D’Angelo on the funk of new song “Yellowbrick”. Oh, and nothing to bring a crowd together like rapping about traffic on the Dan Ryan, right?

CHAI

The Japanese quartet CHAI believes you can be Kawaii while still subverting standard definitions of beauty and femininity. Or really, they argue that there’s no such thing as the “standard.” They exist somewhere between individualism--arguing that you’re a “Fashionista” as long as you’re dressing the way you dress--and collectivism, donning a band uniform of an orange top and pink pants with white stripes, tightly harmonizing and chanting with equal pitch. That dichotomy in and of itself is unique, especially in Japanese culture. They call it PUNK, their terrific second album. From freedom anthem “CHOOSE GO!” to the propulsive beats of “THIS IS CHAI”, the band’s instrumental variation (the funk of “FAMILY MEMBER”, banging dance of “Curly Adventure”) is always tied together by the four women and the spirit each of them brings to the performance combined with the sum of parts that the band CHAI represents. And their radicalism is present in songs like “GREAT JOB”, a reclamation of housework as therapeutic, but it’s never so strong as when they shout their simple proclamation: “We are CHAI!”

Album score: 8.1/10

Cate Le Bon

“It has got to be hot in that long purple dress,” I thought looking up at Cate Le Bon. A few songs later, she admitted it. Thankfully, many of her songs are low-energy, and a set comprised entirely of Reward and Crab Day material suited the weather. She started with the first few songs of Reward, showed off her immaculate guitar tones on “Love Is Not Love”, extended a jam on “Mother’s Mother’s Magainzes”, and ended with the krautrock of “What’s Not Mine”. Perhaps she would have been ideal at the shadier, notoriously more chill Blue Stage, but Le Bon made the most of her time and location.

Parquet Courts

Entering to The Skatt Brothers’ “Walk The Night” seemed appropriate for the new version of Parquet Courts that released the funky, Danger Mouse-produced Wide Awake! last year. Yet, the band played a (storm-shortened) set full of songs that reminded you why you fell in love with them in the first place: the classic one-two punch of “Master of My Craft” and “Borrowed Time”, “Donuts Only”, “Dust”, and “She’s Rolling”. The songs they did play from their latest record for the most part were ones that could have fit on past records: “Total Football”, “Almost Had To Start A Fight / In And Out of Patience”, and “Freebird II”. The standouts, then, were the ones whose style is unique to Wide Awake!, the political “Before the Water Gets Too High” and the dance-punk of the new album’s cowbell-laden title track, a perfect party before the park was evacuated due to oncoming storms.

Stereolab

"This is French Disko,” is never a sentence I thought I’d hear Laetitia Sadier say. Not because I didn’t expect to ever see Stereolab live; rather, the nonchalance with which she introduced one of the band’s most beloved songs was striking. I don’t blame her: Since the band’s 1st North American festival appearance in 10 years to be rain-shortened, she wanted to play as many songs as possible. It was everything I wanted it to be: Emperor Tomato Ketchup hits “Metronomic Underground” and “Percolator”, “Miss Modular”, “Lo Boob Oscillator”, fucking “Infinity Girl”!!! Besides occasional guitar issues preventing Tim Gaine from shredding into oblivion, the band sounded perfect. Spotted at the side of the stage enjoying it: the Savage brothers from Parquet Courts, Jay Som’s Melina Duterte, and a stoked Kurt Vile who didn’t seem to care at all that his set was cancelled.

Belle and Sebastian

For one of the trademark albums of 90′s indie rock, Belle and Sebastian’s If You’re Feeling Sinister is generally pretty quiet, which made their grand, orchestrated performance of it Saturday night even more impressive. From the start of “The Stars of Track and Field”, it was apparent that even non-fans or even detractors would appreciate the band’s live presence. The chaotic harmonica playing of usual set closer “Me and the Major”, bouncy pop of “Get Me Away From Here, I’m Dying”, and climactic “Judy and the Dream of Horses” offset the preciousness of songs like “The Fox in the Snow” and the title track. They played the record so fast that they actually had time for an encore: Girls in Peacetime Want to Dance’s “The Party Line”, which saw Stuart Murdoch enter and dance in the crowd, and Chicago-appropriate “The Blues Are Still Blue”.

The Isley Brothers

Are The Isley Brothers still good? Yes. Do they belong headlining a festival that prides itself on alternative music? I’m not convinced. Maybe Pitchfork isn’t that anymore, but seriously--you can see these guys play at casinos all across the country, and that’s exactly what the set felt like. Sure, it was immediately full of classics, many of which have gained second life as primary samples for famous hip hop songs, like “That Lady”, “Between the Sheets”, and “Footsteps in the Dark”. The Isley Brothers stay new actually by embracing that, having band members rap a verse or two from the contemporary songs, or Ronald Isley singing, “I love it when you call me Big Poppa.” Their choice of covers, including Bob Dylan’s “Lay Lady Lay”, “Twist and Shout”, Stephen Stills’ “Love the One You’re With”, and Todd Rundgren’s “Hello, It’s Me”, showed their versatility. But Ronald’s voice couldn’t hold its own compared to Ernie’s scratchy funk guitar riffing, and the dancers and backup singers changing outfits every other song was more distracting to the actual music than adding to it. I’d have loved to see The Isley Brothers as an earlier set, but as headliners, their bravado failed to make up for their lack of dynamism.

Black Midi

Another band who met at BRIT school who learned to play guitar from Franz Ferdinand? Yeah, but Black Midi transcend even the hype they deserve. The very fact that hours of jamming contributed to a few bars of songs on their instant classic debut album Schlagenheim is already legendary, and the band covers territory from noise punk to jazz to surf rock to Slint-esque post-rock to chaotically played and sung math rock and...I’m out of breath. “We won’t build to this code,” Geordie Greep sang on “Speedway”, a standout from Schlagenheim, the band’s statement of purpose denoting that they’re truly trying to do something new with all of the above. Album and set “953″ is as good of an offering as any of their palate, starting immediately with complex time signatures, morphing into straight-up grunge, giving way to circular riffs and rhythms as Greep sounds like a coked-up Daniel Rossen, ultimately ending with fast punk.

Out of context, a song like “Of Schlagenheim” might seem the only one on the album a product of men the age of the band members (19 and 20). In it, Greep acts like realizing the ideal woman doesn’t exist is depressing rather than a statement of righteous feminism. Its live performance was likewise the most masculine and primal. But in context of “bmbmbm”, you realize it’s an act. On that song, he impersonates an uncontrollable creep obsessed with a woman, and Black Midi are too smart to fall prey to the cognitive dissonance that would come with both songs being genuine statements.

The band didn’t play everything from Schlagenheim. The gorgeous, 8-minute “Western” wouldn’t have fit the energy of their set, though the blistering “Years Ago” would have. Still, since the album is perhaps the best debut of the year, Black Midi gave arguably the best set at Pitchfork. Yeah, better than Stereolab.

Album score: 9.0/10

JPEGMAFIA

The most energetic set at the festival? That belonged to Barrington DeVaughn Hendricks. Performing from his album Veteran, inspired by his stint in the military and growing up experiencing racism in the South, JPEGMAFIA didn’t rap so much as screamed to the point of coughing fits, especially notable over his off-kilter, slow beats. He’s also as much of a troll as Vince Staples, repeatedly referring to the fest as the Condé Nast Pitchfork Music Festival, and performing a song he purportedly had retired in the U.S.: “I Can’t Fucking Wait Until Morrissey Dies”. He jumped in the crowd so much that he rewarded himself at the end of the set: “I’m about to get high,” Hendricks declared in victory as he left the stage.

Amen Dunes

When we first saw Amen Dunes touring Love back in 2015, he probably wouldn’t have garnered a set at the Blue Stage so late in the day. This set was a victory lap for his most acclaimed album to date, Freedom, and apart from a cover of Tim Buckley’s “Song To The Siren” and Love standout “Splits Are Parted”, he stayed faithful to the album that got him here. The title track, “Blue Rose”, “Calling Paul the Suffering”, “Miki Dora”--they all sounded immaculate, Damon McMahon’s trademark sneer rising above his excellent band, which included Delicate Steve on guitar.

Neneh Cherry

“I’m an old bitch,” joked legendary singer-songwriter and rapper Neneh Cherry. It’s funny, but most of her set was her strong most recent album Broken Politics, “Shot Gun Shack”, “Deep Vein Thrombosis”, and “Synchronised Devotion”. The two best songs performed, though? The noisy Blank Project title track, and of course, her immortal first single, “Buffalo Stance”.

Charli XCX

Midway through her set, Charli XCX proclaimed herself to be one of the top 15 pop stars in the world. It seemed dubious; after all, this is someone whose biggest hits are merely songs she wrote or on which she was featured secondarily. Plus, what would that make headliner Robyn?!? Well, with a performance like the one she gave--alone onstage, save for two giant orange cubes, and one CupcakKe guest appearance--she made the case that she should have been the headliner. Opening with “Track 10″ from her best yet Pop 2, Charli delivered banger after banger, slowing down only for the undeniable “Boys”. “Gone”, from her upcoming Charli, held its own without Christine and the Queens’ Héloïse Letissier. Charli even made time for a little Spice Girls tribute. In a perfect world, she’d be as popular as they were.

Robyn

Perhaps the most anticipated set of the festival after Stereolab, Robyn finally answered the question everyone was thinking: What would Union Park look like filled with thousands dancing on their own? It was blissful, followed by “Missing U” and “Call Your Girlfriend”. But honestly? Before that, the set was...fine. Her vocals were turned far too down. The songs were good, the stage set and dancing artful, but it slowed down the festival experience, the party atmosphere everyone hoped the final headliner would finally deliver. The ending three, plus an encore of “With Every Heartbeat”, were worth it, but Robyn’s set capped yet another Pitchfork where the headliners were really not the main event.

[roarroads-blog]

Working away

Hey, hey, hey,

Since we left Auckland in February, we have been changing our location all the time. We haven’t really stayed anywhere for longer than eleven days. We have slept in the car for weeks; we have slept in an old caravan, nice hostels, shitty hostels, beautiful houses, you name it. We’ve had all types of accommodation one can possibly imagine.

In May, for the first time in a while, we had a place to stay for more than a week, and it felt good. We were in Dunedin—one of my favourite cities in NZ—working in an okayish hostel for accommodation. The deal was three hours of work per day in exchange for a bunk in a six-bed dorm. We had two double beds in our dorm which kind of made it an eight-bed room. So yes, those days I was living like Snow White with her seven dwarfs; the only difference was I had six men sleeping in the same room with me instead. The room stank sometimes so we had to keep the window open even if it was freezing cold. New Zealand is similar to Malta in terms of central heating, it just doesn’t exist here. Anyway, Dunedin was fun, we made friends with the guys who worked there with us and had plenty of time to enjoy the amazing Otago Peninsula with its sea lions, penguins and albatrosses. It was also an ultimate couch potato time for us, we watched two entire seasons of Gotham, for example. As to the work itself, we mainly did housekeeping (cleaned the kitchen, rooms, toilets, did the beds) but also took part in renovation works, which was much more interesting. 

We arrived in Wanaka two days ago; the plan is to stay here for the winter season, so it feels like the right moment to tell you the tale of our Workaway adventures.

Workaway is a great project, really. Everyone benefits from it when it’s done properly. It allows people like us to travel long-term without spending money on food and accommodation. As a rule, you mostly meet other travellers while travelling, which is great, but if you want to mix up your experience a bit, Workaway gives you a unique chance to meet some local people and observe their everyday lives from within. It’s great for the hosting side as well because they essentially get workers for free (it actually doesn’t cost them too much to feed you).

Sheep and beef farm in Pahiatua

Just before we signed up for our first Workaway project, I had a chat with my friend Ilona who was doing the same thing in Greece at the time. Inspired by her words, I convinced Fabushka we should definitely give it a go. I told him we would only work a couple of hours a day, and anyway it wouldn’t be a “real work”, just helping sweet farmers cuddle their animals. At least that’s how I imagined it. 

Our first experience turned out to be slightly different… We worked five hours a day, and the work wasn’t easy at all. In fact, it was much harder than everything I’ve ever done for money. We were hosted by a young family which consists of a 35-year-old Kiwi guy, James, his 37-year-old wife, Stephanie, and their 3-year-old daughter, Elsa. James was raised on a farm; many years ago he left NZ for almost 5 years to travel the world, but after years of wandering, he understood that he wanted to live in NZ. So he came back home and bought his own farm very near to his father’s land. The farm is huge, James has two thousand sheep and a few hundred cattle. Stephanie is French; she arrived in NZ seven years ago and met James when she came to his farm to work for food and accommodation just like us. When we were there Stephanie was eight months pregnant with their second child. Elsa is a funny kid, a bit spoiled perhaps—she cries every time she hears a “no” (how do I know it? We made her cry twice!)—but mainly funny. Stephanie didn’t look particularly happy with her life situation. To be fair, I couldn’t stop wondering what it felt like to leave France and relocate to NZ’s countryside, to live in a huge house in the middle of nowhere (the nearest city is 1,5 hour’s drive away), no friends, no family nearby. Nada. Plenty of sheep instead.

James had a very unusual approach to the whole Workaway thing, he just decided to treat us as free labourers. So instead of having meaningful conversations with our hosts, exploring NZ’s culture and hugging the sheep, we ended up working like slaves five hours a day.

Just to give you an idea, our very first task was to move a bunch of huge sacks full of sheep wool from one shed to another and then to take the wool out of the sacks and equally distribute it on the floor to let it dry. Why was it wet? Because the wool wasn’t quite normal, it was, in fact, the shittiest kind of wool, cut from the sheep’s bums and covered in poop.

Another time we spent an afternoon picking up hay for James’s neighbour. I was the only girl there because the job required a certain amount of physical strength. So it was just me, Fabushka and ten Kiwi farmers. We spent hours repeatedly lifting heavy bales of hay (each of them weighed 15-20kg) and putting them on a trailer attached to a moving tractor. When the trailer was fully loaded with several layers of hay bales, we drove it to a shed where we had to unload it. As you can imagine it was all very hard. After two rounds, they asked me if I could drive a car, and I said yes because technically they didn’t ask me if I had a driving license. Thus they offered me to drive the tractor instead of lifting the bales. It was a great fun as it was also a FIAT tractor. At the end of the day, James’s neighbour tried to give us money since he was paying everyone who helped him out with the hay; we didn’t take the money of course, but it made me realise how crazy James was to ask us to do something which was considered a proper farm work.

We did a lot of other things: fixed and cleaned roofs, pressed wool, picked up dirty tires and dug holes. However, James decided to save the best activity for our last days there. We spent three days drenching young sheep, around 400 lambs per day, and in case you don’t know what drenching is, I will explain it. Drenching is a procedure of injecting a liquid drug into the mouth of an animal using a special drench gun. The drug normally treats a broad spectrum of parasites. Anyway, it’s easier said than done; we had to push the lambs into a small yard, restrain them with our knees, stick our fingers in their mouths and dose them one by one. The lambs were super scared; they were trying to escape and kept shitting and pissing on us. 

At the end of the three days James asked us how it went, and when we replied that it was a bit of an unusual task for us, he said that some things are much more fun after you’ve done them than while you are doing them. Yep.

Sheep and beef farm in Hawke’s Bay

Sheryl and Andrew have a beautiful farm situated in Hawke’s Bay; their wooden house overlooks the ocean. Both of them are in their sixties and manage the farm on their own. Andrew has three sons, but none of them was attracted by the idea of dedicating his life to farming. The youngest son decided to enlist in the Army and is currently serving his time in Iraq. We didn’t speak much about it, but I could see that both Andrew and Sheryl were really worried about him. Sheryl doesn’t have her own children, however, she met Andrew when his sons were still young and helped him to raise them.

Andrew and Sheryl have sheep, cattle, two stunning horses, a sweet working dog, two chihuahuas and a fat cat: a perfect combination of animals. Axel, one of the chihuahuas, is a well-respected dog who deserves some special attention. He made me forget my hatred towards small dogs, I fell in love with him! Sheryl has a huge garden where she grows so many fruits and vegetables that they almost never have to buy any food in a supermarket. Everything comes directly from the farm, including meat of course. 

The work wasn’t hard at all, we were mainly helping out with the garden and doing some small farm tasks. The worst thing I had to do there was to pick up horse manure with my bare hands. Sheryl uses it as a fertiliser as she prefers to stick to the organic way of living as much as she can. Other than that I wasn’t asked to do anything unpleasant. When we told them about our sheep drenching experience they were really surprised and said they would never ask workawayers to do anything like that.

Dairy farm in Taranaki

The third time’s the charm they say and indeed it was for us. We stayed with Leanne, Ian and Jack on their lovely farm in Taranaki for eleven days. Taranaki is an incredibly beautiful region, its landscape is dominated by a lone volcano, 2,518 m high Mt Taranaki, which we got to climb on our last day there. It is also famous for its surf beaches that are among the best in the country.  Mt Taranaki gets enough snowfall to be turned into a small ski resort during the winter season, therefore, the best thing about the region is probably being able to go surfing and snowboarding all in the same day. 

Leanne and Ian own a dairy farm (400 cows), hence every morning we had to clean the cowshed where the cows were getting milked, it was covered in shit, mostly liquid shit, but strangely I wasn’t disgusted at all anymore. It’s funny how drastically your level of disgust towards animal poop diminishes after just a couple of weeks spent in the countryside. The first days on James’s farm left me deeply shocked, but by the time we came to Taranaki I was happy to walk ankle-deep in the shit. Moreover, I must admit that it felt great to hold a high water pressure hose and make all the shit and dirt go away at once. It had a certain therapeutic effect on me. 

Apart from that, we helped Ian with some fencing work, which was an easy and even satisfying task. One day Ian told me not to worry too much about making a mistake, he said the fence was only psychological, and if a cow wanted to escape it could have easily destroyed the fence. I thought it was a very meaningful observation to make, I took it as a metaphor of course. Leanne and Ian are in their mid-thirties, Ian works full-time on the farm and Leanne is a self-employed accountant who divides her time between her practice and the farm. She used to work for a well-known financial company in Sydney, but at some point of her life, she realised that it wasn’t the way she really wanted to live her life. Jack is 19 years old, he lives with Leanne and Ian, works on the farm part time and studies. Jack is in a wheelchair which absolutely doesn’t stop him from being an incredibly energetic and positive person. He is active in a number of sports for disabled people (basketball, cycling, swimming); he participates in various regional competitions and dreams of becoming a Paralympic athlete one day.

It was easily our best Workaway experience. Since the very beginning, we felt that they truly got what Workaway was all about. They treated us very well, the accommodation was fantastic, and Leanne cooked so many delicious dishes for us, every day something different. They shared stories with us and gave us a good insight into the NZ lifestyle. We met other travellers there as well, played games with them and listened to their stories. A German guy who once slept in a paper box on the street because when he arrived in the town, all hostels were fully booked and he didn’t have a tent (my style). And a super sweet French couple, who were in the middle of their year-long trip, Indonesia - Australia- NZ- Tahiti- Thailand. It was an amazing experience.

Hotel in Southland

Initially, our plan was to start looking for a job as soon as we leave the North Island and arrive in Christchurch. However, when you’re travelling plans change very quickly, thus we ended up with another Workaway project, and up until today, we haven’t been to Christchurch.

Our fourth Workaway project was very different from the ones we had done before. First of all, it wasn’t a farm, it was a small hotel/pub in a tiny town in Southland. Secondly, during our stay, we had almost no interaction with the hosts, a couple in their fifties who treated us well but didn’t really care much about spending time with us or talking to us. Luckily, we had a company of other workawayers there. 

We did housekeeping in the morning and washed the dishes in the evening, which was quite boring, but after two weeks of sleeping in the car, we were happy to be bored for a little while and have a bed. By the way, we slept in an old caravan parked outside the hotel. It was cool but not really comfortable.

Several hospitality jobs have taught me that sometimes it’s better not to know what’s happening backstage in restaurants and hotels. What really surprised me was that all the sheets and pillow cases were washed in cold water there. Moreover, the dishes were washed manually in a sink filled with soapy water without rinsing off the soap. Plus I saw a mouse in our lounge twice. Yay!

Sasha