#he’s such a sweet individual… truly just like he seems in the interviews and FUCK THE EYE CONTACT

[devilfic]

went to meet mr. daredevil himself in my spider-man onesie and he greeted me with a “hey spidey!” when I got to the table

[miracleonice87]

Make You Feel My Love with Nathan MacKinnon

a Nathan MacKinnon song fic

a/n: season outcome, timing, and stats = totally fake. based on Nate’s public mentions in past interviews of seeing a sports psychologist, which is really inspiring to me. seeking professional advice is a GOOOOD thing! also, wasn’t originally intended to be a song fic, but Adele’s version of Make You Feel My Love (originally by Bob Dylan) came on while I was finishing it up, so I went with it! last note: pretending Tyson never got traded to the Leafs is the best part of writing hockey fanfiction. 🥺

summary: Angry/Sad Nate loses in the playoffs and takes his frustrations out on his girlfriend Sam, who gets comfort and advice from his teammates and friends.

warnings: swearing; isolated, individual outbursts of anger but NO physical violence; mentions of counseling/therapy and the practice of sports psychology (obviously, like I mentioned, this is a good thing but just something to know); crying Nate (I feel like that deserves a warning)

_____

Deflated, I sat in a bulky black chair in the team family room deep in the recesses of the Pepsi Center for several minutes after leaving the wives and girlfriends suite, needing a moment away from prying eyes and cameras to process what had just occurred.

The Avalanche had been one of the highly favored teams in the West all season long, yet had just been swept in the second round of the playoffs. My boyfriend, Nathan MacKinnon, widely regarded as one of the best players in the NHL, had totaled only one point in the 11 playoff games the team had played this year, earning a single assist on a Mikko Rantanen goal.

Needless to say, that hadn’t been sitting right with Nate.

He’d been short with me since the first few games of the postseason; even shorter than he typically got when he was in a drought. I had tried to give him space, but he snapped about the smallest questions I asked or requests I made of him: what he wanted for dinner, or to be sure he called to wish his sister Sarah a happy birthday. He sometimes mumbled an apology in my general direction, but more often than not, he simply left the room in a huff. I tried my best to be patient — to give him space.

It was abundantly clear that the pressure that always loomed heavy over Nathan like a thick, dark cloud had now intensified. I knew, without him ever verbalizing it, that he felt more burdened than ever before to live up to the hype — to the expectations he had for himself, and to those placed on him, either explicitly or implicitly, by the entire hockey community and the media.

When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

I sat still with my head in my hands for what seemed like forever, until sweet Mel Landeskog, whom I had become so close with over the last four seasons of watching our significant others play together, came and rubbed my back gently through the custom Avs denim jacket that hung on my shoulders. I lifted my head to look at her, a sympathetic smile etched on her beautiful features.

“I’m sorry, Sammy,” Mel offered. “I know he’s gonna be so hard on himself. But he had such a great season — he needs to be proud of that,” she reasoned. I nodded.

Mel was right. He had had a truly remarkable regular season — he had scored 95 points in 82 games after a enduring a considerable slump for much of the previous year. This year stood in stark contrast to last. He had been riding high for many weeks; that is, until playoffs hit.

I stood to wrap Mel in a hug, appreciative of her gesture of support but unwilling to reflect on Nate’s play right now. “Thank you, Mel,” I told her as I squeezed her tightly. “I’m gonna miss you so much this summer,” I added, gesturing to the car seat on the floor beside her. “And Nate and I will both miss that little one, too,” I said as I blew Linnea a kiss, making her giggle, a welcome sound after a heartbreaking display on the ice. Mel glanced down at her baby daughter, beaming.

“I know, honey. We’ll miss you too. But it won’t be long until we’re all back here together, plus we’ll see each other for a couple of these bachelorette parties and summer weddings and get-togethers, yeah?” she said with a nudge.

“Yeah, that’ll be nice. Until then, you guys be safe,” I told her. With one last hug and quick kisses to each other’s cheeks, Mel picked up Linnea in her seat and exited the room. I realized that she and I had been the last two wives or girlfriends to leave, with most of us having exchanged quiet goodbyes in the suite before making hasty escapes to the parking area to console our respective sad hockey players.

With a groan at the depressing thought, I pulled my jean jacket tighter to my torso and walked slowly out the open door.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

The locker room doors stood maybe ten yards down the hall. The usual rambunctious ruckus that so often echoed off the cinderblock walls was tonight exchanged for a thick silence. It seemed that most of the guys had already left, and those who remained were noiseless. I softly greeted a few of the familiar men who made their way out the doors, offering only a sad smile and a few words of comfort to each, knowing that they weren’t in the mood to engage. They were, however, still polite, with several of the players embracing me briefly or kissing my cheek as they left the building.

Gabe Landeskog was among the very last to leave the room, unsurprisingly, as he was ever the responsible and respectable captain. He spotted me immediately and enveloped me in his strong grasp.

“Hi, friend,” I whispered into his shoulder, worried that my voice would break. “Hi, söt flicka,” (sweet girl) he countered.

“I’m sorry, Cap,” I told him quietly. He pulled back and shook his head. “Don’t apologize. Wasn’t our year,” he replied with a shrug. “As you can imagine, Nate is taking it pretty hard...” his voice trailed off. “I just want you to be prepared,” he finally added, carefully.

My stomach knotted. I tucked some of my hair behind my ear and swiftly licked my lips, feeling anxiety pool in my gut.

Gabe placed a firm hand on my shoulder. “Just remember it’s not you he’s upset with. It’s himself,” he said softly. I quickly glanced up at him and nodded. “Thank you,” I choked out. “Now you better get going. You’ve got two beautiful girls waiting for you,” I told him, feigning a bright grin. He tried to mirror my expression, but fell short. It was unnatural to see such sadness in his normally joyful visage. He squeezed my upper arm.

“That I do,” Gabe agreed. “We’ll see you soon, Sam.”

“Okay,” I whispered. “Bye, Cap.” He gave a solemn nod and disappeared down the hallway.

My unease only multiplied after my exchange with Gabe. I began to pace slowly in a circle. I jumped a few moments later when the door flew open with a screech, Nate emerging from behind it, a bitter, dark expression on his face.

I greeted him softly, tentatively, reaching a hand toward him.

“Nate, baby, I —“

My boyfriend brushed past me in a flash, causing a literal draft of air to hit me as he held up his hand, never even making eye contact with me as he practically stomped down the corridor.

My blood ran hot — how dare he not acknowledge my presence after I had attended how many home games, and even road games, supporting him and cheering him on, no matter what? And that was just this season — what about the three prior? Why was he shutting me out? My heart thumped against my ribcage.

“Nathan,” I called, my voice firm this time, whipping around to face his back and then fumbling with the chain of my Louis Vuitton bag as it fell from my shoulder. Discombobulated, I threaded it back over my arm clumsily and took two hurried steps in Nate’s direction, but he was already out of sight.

Just then, I noticed our close friend Tyson Barrie standing a few feet behind me. I could infer from the way he was approaching me gingerly, which was highly unlike him, that he had witnessed our exchange, or the lack thereof. I sighed and pressed a hand to my forehead, his hand coming to grip my other elbow.

“Sam, sweetheart... you okay?” Tyson asked softly. Hot tears pricked my eyelids, but I refused to let them fall, blinking them back with a sniffle. My hand fell back to my side — I was shaking now.

“I knew he would be mad...” I began. “But what the fuck, Tys?” My voice wavered.

Tyson instinctively pulled my waist to his side, giving me a quick, protective kiss to the temple, before pulling away and offering me his hand.

“Come on, I’ll drive you home,” he volunteered. With another sniff, I shook my head. “No, it’s okay, Tys. I drove, thank god,” I spat. “Besides, you’re dealing with the same disappointment. You need to go home with Em and unwind,” I insisted, smoothing one hand over his suit jacket. His head dropped and he offered a weak nod.

“I guess. But listen, if he’s still not acting right, call me, okay? You know you can come over. You’re always welcome, especially when he’s being such an ass,” Tyson said, the end of his sentence turning into a growl. We both sighed; I nodded.

“Thanks, Tys. I’ll let you know. And listen, I’m sorry... about tonight. I know it hurts,” I told him, hugging his neck with one arm. He spread his fingers over my back and gave me a squeeze before stepping back to look into my eyes.

“It’s just hockey,” he said quietly. I smiled weakly and nodded once. “Bye, Sam. See you soon,” he said, rubbing one hand over my shoulder as he turned and made his way down the hall to find Emma.

If only Nathan shared his friend’s logic and sentiment.

I dropped my head back at the thought, tears once again collecting in my eyes. I forced them closed in an attempt to stay composed. With another sigh, I slowly started toward the private parking garage where my vehicle waited.

Unsurprisingly, as I stepped through the glass door and into the garage where I spotted my Audi, the spot next to me where Nate’s Porsche had been was empty. I unlocked my car, tossed my bag and scarf into the passenger side, and slammed my door shut before giving the steering wheel two firm bangs with the palm of my hand. My body still hadn’t stopped trembling.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

I rested my forehead against the leather steering wheel for a moment before drawing a breath and finally backing out of my spot and exiting the garage, apprehensive of the scene I might find at the condo Nathan and I shared.

_____

I stepped through the front door tentatively, chewing on the inside of my lip. I was careful not to make a sound, walking on tiptoes to avoid clicking my heeled boots on the white tile floor. I dropped my purse onto the table in the entryway and reached to hang up my keys on the rack by the closet when I heard the distinct sound of glass — a lot of glass — shattering.

I froze.

The plans I had formulated in my head during my drive to confront Nate as soon as I arrived home suddenly seemed too unnerving to carry out.

My knees were nearly knocking together as I zipped through the living room and tucked myself behind the wet bar in one corner of the room. I hid myself in a partially-enclosed area where the wine and beer fridge stood, then felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I fumbled to answer it, not wanting to make too much noise.

Sidney Crosby, the onscreen caller ID read. I tapped the green button.

“Hello?” I was caught off guard by how frightened my own voice sounded as I answered.

“Sam, hi. Are you home?” Sid’s usually calm and collected tone was now bathed in concern.

“Hi, Sid. Yeah, I just got home. He’s, uh... it’s not good,” I said quietly, glancing at the staircase as I heard another thud upstairs, this time what sounded like a pair of shoes against Nate’s closet wall. On the other end of the call, Sid heaved a heavy sigh.

“Yeah, I figured,” he said tensely. “I tried calling him thinking I might catch him on his way home and talk him down a bit, but he ignored my call. I’m sorry, Sam. Are you alright?”

I glanced down at my free hand which rested on the oak wood of the bar. I was still trembling, my fears of coming home to chaos having been realized.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” I choked out, lying through my teeth. “It’s just hard to watch.”

A deep hum of understanding came from Sid’s throat. “I bet. Have you talked to him?”

I shook my head, despite the fact that Sid was nowhere nearby to see the gesture. “No,” I vocalized weakly. “He uh... he kinda... he didn’t wanna talk to me at the arena... I don’t think.” I fiddled with my promise ring on my left hand as I made the admission. It didn’t even sound like Sid was breathing on the other end of the line.

“You’re telling me he blew you off?” he asked gruffly. I could envision Sidney running a hand over his face before gripping his neat curls atop his dark hair, as he often did when frustrated. I opened my mouth to confirm, but couldn’t actually bring myself to do so, knowing what his reaction would be. I also didn’t want to confess to the commotion I had just heard upstairs, knowing that it would further upset my concerned friend, on my behalf. Instead, I let my silence do the talking.

“Goddammit, Sam,” he growled. “I’m so sorry. He’s young. He- he... I used to do this shit, too,” Sidney admitted with a quick breath. “It’s bullshit. He’s just angry with himself and he’s taking it out on you and it’s not fair. I had hoped I had set a better example about how to deal with these things when they happen... but apparently not.”

A couple of hot tears fell to my face as I responded. “This isn’t your fault, Sid.” He retorted immediately, “Well, it’s sure as hell not yours, either.”

We both sat in contemplation for several moments, neither sure of the next step to take. Then, Sid decided.

“I won’t call him again because he needs to talk to you first. But I am going to text him and urge him that he needs to let you in,” Sid insisted. “He needs to let somebody in,” he repeated. “And it needs to be you first.”

More tears were falling now, and I glanced up at the chandelier overhead and pulled my phone from my ear for a beat to try and settle myself. I wiped at my face with the bottom of my thumb.

“Okay,” I finally whispered. I hadn’t ever really cried around Sid, and while he was one of the nicest and most genuine human beings on the planet, I knew he wasn’t quite accustomed to emotional encounters like this one, and I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by letting him hear the sobs that were bubbling up in my chest.

“It might not feel like it right now,” Sid broached, speaking in a soothing tone reminiscent of my father’s or brother’s when trying to console me. “But you’re right where you need to be. So is he. He needs you, Sam.”

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

“Sam?” Nate suddenly called out from the balcony above me, his voice not sounding heated, but doleful instead. From where he stood upstairs, he couldn’t see me.

“Was that him?” Sid asked. “Yeah,” I said softly, somewhat in response to both men. “Good. He’s coming around. Trust me. I’ll let you go. Text me later, eh?” Sid requested, sounding slightly relieved. “Yeah, I will. Promise. Thank you. Bye,” I said hurriedly before ending the call.

“Sam?” Nate’s voice echoed off the walls once more, sounding desperate this time. My pulse quickened.

“Yeah. I’m coming,” I said softly. I stuffed my phone back into my pocket, took a steadying breath, and turned to walk upstairs and face him.

By the time I arrived on the second floor only a handful of moments later, Nate was already back in our bedroom, seated in the oversized Queen Anne chair near the center of the room, elbows on his knees, chin almost to his chest. I was shocked to hear small sobs escaping his lips. He glanced in my general direction, not meeting my eyes, and cried harder.

“I can’t even look at you right now,” Nate finally spoke, somewhat coarsely. My heart seemed to shatter right then, and I felt my body steel in self-defense, preparing for war.

“I can’t even believe how I treated you back there. I’m such an awful fucking human. I’m a monster. I’m so sorry,” Nate added tearfully, catching me off guard.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret

The winds of change are blowing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I immediately let out three sobs that seemed to have been lodged in my throat for almost an hour now and, in an instant, closed the gap between us. I dropped to my knees in front of him and laid my head in his lap, hugging his calves. Never before had we shared such an intensely emotional moment. Above me, he covered his eyes with his hands and drew shallow, gasping breaths in an unsuccessful attempt to calm himself.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he cried, not touching me of his own accord. “I’m so sorry.” I picked up my head and looked at him, urgency coursing through my veins. I needed him to come back to me.

“Nathan, baby, hey,” I coaxed, rubbing his big thigh with my hand, which looked so small in comparison. “Look at me. Please? I need you to.”

After a beat, Nate finally lifted his head from his hands, his pale skin slightly splotchy and tinted red, blue eyes shimmering behind more tears that threatened to fall.

“There’s my handsome man,” I said softly, combing my fingers through the neat hair near his ears, watching him slowly return to me.

“Hey, I want you to listen to me, okay? Tonight you’re allowed to cry it out, or punch our pillows, or run on the treadmill all night to blow off some steam. And then I’ll give you a couple more days to swallow this. But after that? We’re gonna check in with Dr. Butler, both of us, so she can give us some ways to cope with this.”

Nate’s shuddering breaths had finally started to slow as I spoke, referencing one of his most trusted allies, the Denver-based sports psychologist he had been seeing now for a few seasons to help him deal with not only hockey-related challenges and mental blocks, but also general anxiety, in order to boost his mental health. I was careful not to allow my tone to come across as if I were babying him, but instead offering comfort and, more importantly, suggesting help. “Because tonight? These last couple weeks? This can’t be it. We can’t deal with things this way. I don’t want you shutting me out, or Sid, or your family, okay? You wouldn’t let me do that — I’m not gonna let you,” I added.

Nate nodded quickly. “Absolutely, babe. I was just gonna say, as soon as I heard you on the phone downstairs, it really just hit me. I realized I needed to text her and set up an appointment,” he told me, his voice no longer shaky. “And that I needed to apologize to you,” he added softly. I nodded, and he grabbed my hands, pulling me to my feet and then back down to lie in his lap. I threw my legs over one arm of the chair and settled against his chest.

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to find comfort in Nate’s heartbeat for a moment, as he pressed soft kisses into my hair, before I looked around the room, assessing the damage. I noticed that his suit coat lay crumpled in the middle of his closet floor, his shoes having bounced off the wall there as I suspected, and they sat out of place atop his neatly assembled collection of footwear. Across from us, I noticed the source of the shattered glass — a shadow box display from Nate’s unforgettable rookie season hung just slightly crooked on the wall, the glass in the front completely broken out, save for the shards along the inner edge of the frame.

Nate followed my gaze to the mess and sighed. “I’m really sorry about that, Sam,” he said, shame creeping into his tone. I nodded knowingly. “What did you throw?” I asked. “That puck they gave me from the last game of the regular season. It was on my dresser when I set my wallet down and it just set me off,” he admitted sheepishly. “It was stupid.”

“Yes, it was stupid to break something that’s valuable to you, but it’s not stupid, what you’re feeling,” I told him firmly. “Besides, we’ll get a new glass panel and it’ll be good as new.” His grip around me tightened, appreciative of my response. “Thank you,” Nate whispered into my ear. I turned to kiss his lips slowly and deeply. He finally pulled back, only to murmur, “I don’t deserve you. I’m so grateful I have you.” I smoothed my thumb across his cheekbone. “I’m always going to be here for you, Nate,” I promised. He gave me one more solemn kiss.

“Listen, I’m gonna carry you into the bathroom so you don’t even get close to any shards of glass, and I’ll clean all this up while you run us a bath,” Nate told me. “I’ll join you soon. I think it’ll be good for both of us, eh?” I nodded, wrapping my arms around his neck as he easily picked me up bridal-style and headed toward the en suite.

Things were far from perfect, but I was prepared to do everything in my power to get us as close as possible. From the change in his demeanor, I knew Nate was, too.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the Earth for you

To make you feel my love

[zabreti]

the time has finally come for me to start expressing what i have been overwhelmingly feeling for the past week, since i started to properly listen to this sunshine of a woman named joanna newsom. i want to- actually, i need to vent a little about the album ys, since it’s the one i first listened to. plus my initial contact with joanna’s work and thoughts that came with it

even though i only found out about her a few months ago, i guess everyone knows her(?); if you don’t, you should. there’s not one single moment in which i’m not mad at myself for not finding her sooner. so fyi, she’s a harpist, pianist, singer and songwriter from nevada. according to some sources, she may be the most famous harpist alive today; i really don’t know about you, but it really sounds quite badass for me.

i started searching for her stuff after watching her husband’s - andy samberg - multiple interviews, where he would be sometimes asked about their marriage. i’ve been binge watching random interviews with people i like for the last weeks, and i found myself actually watching some interviews of hers before i even got to listen to her music.

btw, look at this fucking adorable couple. just look at them for a second.

first of all, what a lovely woman! each answer, each laughter, each little thing she did on camera caused an admiration for the idea of andy and her together to grow strongly; i wasn’t even sure if it was ok for me to feel so strongly about someone else’s relationship. my curiosity grew when i started to read the comments on these videos on youtube, pretty much 100% of them being about her intelligence, her talent and how her music sounds angelical, mystical and perfectly constructed. (let it be said that it only grew more and more as i watched every single interviewer asking both andy and joanna about how different their works are, and how different they appear to be as individuals; not only was suggested that andy would probably not rise up to such an intelligent, serious taste as to fall in love with her (he doesn’t even need to say a word for anyone to realize how passionately in love he is with joanna and her entire work), but also said that no one could believe she was actually able to be a goofy, easy-going, good-humored person because of the lyrics she writes. ok, i could spend hours listing the unnecessary questions i identified in these interviews, and how i get easily annoyed by these famous hosts assuming stuff or trying to create an uncomfortable environment; and don’t even get me started on the fact that most of the interviews she was invited to would revolve around her relationship with andy. i’m choosing to let this feeling pass for now, since it’s not my focus today.)

i couldn’t help but start by saying all this since i truly adore andy’s works, and nothing feels warmer than realizing two amazing people are in love and have a family together by choice.

i mean..... ??????? c’mon. greatest couple alive. try and fight me on this.

another interesting thing i found out was that she dislikes streaming platforms similar to spotify, which probably (?) justifies the fact that i never came across her songs, since i use spotify on a daily basis and have been using it to find new artists for the last years. call me ignorant, it’s fine, truly; but i haven’t heard of similar opinions coming from artists, and it made me even more curious to know what this woman was expressing, creating, thinking. she actually told larry king: 

“spotify is a business model. it’s not good. it’s based on the idea of circumventing the payment of artists. (...) i’m not opposed to streaming. i understand that the world is shifting and that the way music is valued and monetized is shifting, and i’m ok with that. and i’m even ok with people not paying for music (...), i just wish that there was a better way to do it that didn’t only pay a company. (...) i haven’t heard of one [alternative to spotify] that seems built the way that i would prefer it to be built.”

one of spotify owners (owners or directors, idek and idec) even replied to her many critics, but she never changed her mind or retreated from defending even her honest, harsh comments about how spotify is “like a villainous cabal of major labels”. for me, that’s a badass woman. not only for expressing herself without giving a damn about anyone who might be offended in this process, but also for choosing the path that felt ethical and worthy, and being recognized all over the world for her talent while following her own ways. i know, right? simply awesome.

there i was, reading the endless comments on her interviews’ videos and wondering what the fuss was all about. there was nothing left for me to do other than to actually start listening to her songs. i could have done it by looking up her discography and starting from her first project, but somehow i stomped into the ys album, which was released in 2006, in youtube itself.

first of all, would you look at this freaking cover?

i found it absolutely gorgeous in each detail; in fact, i really wish to know if there are meanings in the little specific parts of the painting. maybe there aren’t any and i’m just trying to create a more complex joanna in my mind? sure, sounds like me. or maybe there are lots of ‘em and she already said it on camera and i simply missed this video? sure, sounds possible. i won’t lie, i spent so much time thinking about this cover... maybe way too much time. alright, on we go.

there are 5 tracks on the album: emily, monkey & bear, sawdust and diamonds, only skin and cosmia.

at first, i didn’t quite understand what i was listening to. and i’m not talking about the lyrics, i’m talking about the whole idea of the album, the artist, the genre. the conjunction formed by her high pitches and soft, delicious vocal variations, surrounded lovingly by the harp and the violins was very mysterious to me. at first, i wouldn’t be encouraged to keep listening to her. but something kept me there, seated, staring at the screen and paying attention to each second of it. it was an experience. a real transportation. i searched for the lyrics on genius, and anyone that would pass by my bedroom’s open door would see me completely enamored by what i was listening to, like a concentrated kid being told an epic, adventurous, huge, beautiful and complex story. that is exactly how i felt: in the middle of a field, picturing each image she described in the song; each figure, each feeling. she described it all in a way that made me wonder how can someone describe a dream so vividly, how can someone describe anything so perfectly, so fully, and not sound redundant, not sound at all boring. the way the melody and the lyrics fit together, as a gift perfectly wrapped and tightly involved in the most beautiful way. i repeat: it was an experience. it is an experience. this is not something you can listen to at any given time, at any given place; i would not dare to not pay attention each time i would plan to listen to it. this is how seriously submerged i felt by joanna in that moment; in that entire day.

all of this, all of this immersion, all of this dream-like state in which i found myself in, kept growing its roots in me throughout the entire album, in a way i needed to show someone - anyone - joanna before i even got to finish the five songs; and the first one that came near me happened to be my mother. while listening, she actually found it quite pleasing, “like some old movie’s soundtrack” when listening to emily, “like an 1960′s melody” when listening to sawdust and sand, and on she went about the entire album. and this got me thinking about how i would describe her genre; of course, after following her on bandcamp i found out i was actually listening to some folk/pop/avant-garde/baroque pop/chamber folk/indie stuff. sounds about right, but at the same time not right at all, for some reason. i believe it’s fair to say that joanna has a magical, rare quality to her music that makes it different to each one listening to it. i’ve said it too much and i’ll say it again: it’s an experience, a complete, true one. it ressonates with deep, personal places. and, strangely, it makes many people describe the feeling that urges to grow inside their hearts as “home”; and i share this exact same sensation.

i really don’t know if it makes any sense, but see: i cherish my alone time probably more than anything in the world. i have learned to be my own best friend in many ways, and being by myself in some quiet days, at my house, reading, listening, watching and creating is when i can truly be myself. with that said, listening to this album, i felt at home. it made me feel even more alone, and i mean it in the most loving, warm, hypnotizing way. 

the ys album is a relatively quick production to be heard, even though it feels like you’ve been gone for hours, days, weeks on end while listening to it. the amount of literary, historic and philosofical references in the lyrics is magically overwhelming; i simply wasn’t able to snap out of it for a long time, and i have, to this day, re-listened to the album about 5 times. still reading the lyrics again and again, still grasping at some expressions faintly but amazed, still finding out about hidden and not so hidden meanings behind each track. still defining it, every single day.

i hope for the great discoveries i feel like pursuing from her work, and the diverse new singers, song-writers, harpists, pianists, violinists, chellists and musicists in general i’ll try to find, understand and support from now on. i’m thankful for finding out how much i love the mix between an orchestra-like atmosphere and a sweet, honest voice ringing in my ears; and how the words assembled together feels like a psychography.

i thank the universe every single day for the opportunity to discover people like joanna newsom.

[nivks]

what followed the blond hair that was bad? i hate the idea of anything being bad for nick. you know, really been pondering all he deals with being this divisive figure in the media and in so many fandoms and how the one constant is how he's obviously liked by all the people he works with radio peeps and famouses. anyway. off the topic but yeah, what ill did the blond hair bode? :( sry to send you a sad ask

im not sure if this is a response/reference/reply to something cos i cant remember talking about the blond hair recently so sorry if this answer is weird but OKAY. uhh writing in tags and making passing vague comments feels less intrusive? then actually posting an outright speculative opinion so please dont take this as #confirmed or anything! but basically shortly after he shaved all his hair off he started getting mega emo with emo tweets and snapchats (weirdly a lot of black and white snaps if i remember correctly) but it started getting officially weird when he tweeted an emo tweet about an ex which was only a big deal because…nick has never once confirmed ever having a boyfriend,, like never. like hes mentioned going on dates and theres pictures of him all over guys and like obvs hes been in relationships but hes just. never actually himself said that hes ever actually had a boyfriend. publicly. ever. then after that there was this emo snap, then there was the s*n interview where he mentioned seeing someone for like nine months earlier that year and being in love also talking about how hes been used cos of who he is and who he knows, then him talking about him feeling used on air, another emo tweet :( like OFCOURSE i dontthink he went out and shaved his hair cos of a midlife crisis or anything like his hair was fucked he was well into getting rid of it but basically whenever i think of bald nick i think of his being the emo-est weve ever seen him. also that time he said that he went blond cos he was having a breakdown which makes me laugh but also makes me wanna give him a hug 💔❤️ 

and god like the way he gets painted in the media vs the way people who meet him and know him talk about him is so different. like he gets so so so much shit in the media especially in 2012/2013 re:harry and 2015 re:xfactor and made to seem like the public, as a whole, hate him but then when you look at individual quotes from people that have actually worked with him and know him?? all people ever seem to have to say about him is how hard working and lovely he is to be with!! and like people are constantly saying that hes genuinely one of the NICEST and LOVELIEST and SWEETEST and how he works SO SO INCREDIBLY HARD to to do what he does (especially xf era cos he was working insane hours but still going the extra mile to make sure everyone else was okay and always being there when he was needed) and then theres just the people he knows and fans he meets?? like i cant remember ever really hearing a Bad Fan encounter with nick?? every fan encounter seems to be him having a proper conversation with whoever hes stopped to talk to and always seems to be him being genuinely sweet and happy to be there and making fans feel calm and THEN we got the famouses?? adele anybody? that speech she made in that sold out arena in nicks hometown before dedicating a song to him?? literally basically every other one of nicks friends that he meets through work and for some reason ((because nicks amazing)) sticks around. remember when douglas booth just started hanging out with the clique then going on holidays with them after getting interviewed by nick??? dont get me started on all his work pals. basically when zane lowe said “The thing about Grimmy is he’s got a phonebook full of people, but that’s not because he’s out socializing and going out all the time. It’s because he truly is a nice, funny and genuine guy. So this one’s for you, Grimmy.” yeah i felt that.

i love u niick grimmshaw.

[looselucy]

- Catch Up -

Harry was crouched down on one knee, his fingers grasping through the cage ahead of him, the tiny puppy licking excitedly at his fingers. I stooped down beside him, reading over the information about the dog before turning to him, literally seeing him fall in love. I blushed, then looked back to the sign. “He’s a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.” I mumbled. “That’s a mouthful, innit?” Harry had finally reached the stage where he was ready to own a dog again, so when I’d rang him that morning to wish him a Happy Birthday, he’d barely paid me any notice and giddily asked me to go to the shelter with him to pick one out. It was the best start to his birthday.

As heart breaking as it was to walk through the rescue centre, to see all those dogs just waiting to go to good homes, I kept having to remind myself that they were much better there than where they had been beforehand, and lovely people like Harry would come for them soon. There had been a few that had caught his eye, but this beautiful little Spaniel seemed to have stolen his heart, the two of them forming a very quick connection. “Oh my god, Harry!” I gawped. “He’s called Pepper!” “I think that settles it.” He spoke quietly, eyes still searching sweetly over the pup. “Sergeant Pepper.” I placed my hand on my chest, feeling like I was going to cry over just how adorable I found the whole thing, Harry leaning closer to his new companion and whispering sweet greetings, telling little Pepper how excited he was to take him home and love and care for him, and I was so soft over the entire scenario I thought my bones may evaporate and I’d just ooze onto the floor. “Okay, so now what?” I puzzled. “Do you just like… Do you just say I want this one and take it?” “No.” I shook his head, sniggering a little. “Gotta sign some stuff and they’ll ask about where I live and they’ll hate the fact I’m in a flat, so I’ve gotta charm the fuck out of them. I really need to let them know I’m a good owner, and hopefully they’ll be chilled about it.” He had told me that this was where he’d adopted Pinky from, so they were familiar with him and he’d managed to charm them before, so I couldn’t see it being a problem. I imagined it differed in a city, where so many people were bound to be in flats. Eventually, Harry managed to tear himself away from Pepper, bidding him goodbye and promising he’d see him soon, before we headed over to the front desk where Harry filled in the appropriate paperwork, and was told he’d have an answer from them in the next few days. To say Harry had a spring in his step as we made our way back to the centre was an alarming understatement. It was so nice to see him like that, so enthusiastic and maybe a little nervous, but undoubtedly happy. “So, the birthday is off to a good start.” “How can we carry it on?” He bounced. “What we doing?” “Whatever you want. Not like I have a fucking job to go to.” It was the 1st of September, meaning it had been just under a month since I’d lost my job, and he’d taken me home for the weekend and kept me happy and distracted. I’d applied for a variety of things since, and I had a few interviews lined up which I was hoping I would smash, because I was slowly but surely running out of money and patience. Not working was tedious. “Have you got me a present?” He turned to me, eyes wide. “Of course I have! I’ve got you the best present.” “Well where is it?” “It’s at mine. And I think you might have to drive around to collect it, because… it’s heavy. You’ll need to put it in your car, there’s no way you can carry it.” He scowled, clearly very suspicious about the gift I’d gotten him, trying to figure it out in his head but I knew he wouldn’t get it. That made me grin. “I think you underestimate how strong I am.” He defended. “I think you overestimate how strong you are. I think you’re constantly overestimating how strong you are. I think you’re utterly convinced you’re weirdly strong, and you’re just not.” He slung his arm over my shoulder in a second and imprisoned me against his body, my head trapped beneath his arm as he messed with my hair and made walking near impossible. I squealed and protested and tried to escape, but unfortunately he was annoyingly strong after all. I begged him to stop, whelping and screeching and hitting him as hard as I could, my arms flailing and useless. “Tell me I’m strong.” “NEVER!” “Tell me I’m the strongest man alive.” “YOU’RE STRONG, OKAY? YOU’RE THE STRONGEST MAN ALIVE!” “Tell me I’m the strongest and prettiest man alive!” “HARRY?” “TELL ME!” “YOU’RE THE STRONGEST AND PRETTIEST MAN ALIVE!” He finally released me, frustratingly smug about the interaction as I tried to find my feet again and sort my hair out, but he’d done some damage I wasn’t sure I’d be able to fix without taking a brush to it. “I knew you always thought so.” Harry sneered. “You’re such a dick.” I jogged a little to catch up with him. “M’gunna keep your present for myself.” “What the fuck have you got me that’s so heavy?” “You’ll have to wait and see.” I shrugged innocently. I could tell he wasn’t impressed by the lack of information I was passing over, but I refused to tell him what I’d gotten him. We’d exchanged many gifts over our years of friendship, but neither of us had ever really been in a comfortable or thriving financial situation. Gifts were usually small, sweet and unnecessary. This year was different. “I’m not good at surprises.” He complained. “What’re we doing then? What’s the plan?” I ignored him. “Uh… Tell ya what… You’ve never seen Another Place, have ya?” “What?” “The figures, on the beach. You’ve still not been.” Not too far out of the city, there were 100 sculptures on a beach, iron figures facing towards the sea, and despite the fact I’d lived there for so long I still hadn’t made the short journey to go and see the figurines. Harry had been there often, and raved about it often, which made it all the more shocking he hadn’t dragged me there previously. It certainly wasn’t the weather for a trip to the beach, but I would never say no to going to see some art with my best friend. I’d dragged him to The Beatles museum enough times. “Deal! Yes, lets do that!” I practically began skipping alongside him. “Let’s go get your car, drive round, and then you can come pick up your present.” “Can’t we do the present first?” “Nah.” I smirked. “I wanna keep you waiting.”

There was something rather haunting about the art installation on that beach, those figures staring out to sea, spreading what felt like miles. Some were almost withering away, some almost entirely consumed by water whilst others stood proud with nothing but sand beneath their feet. It truly was rather stunning, enough to render me speechless for a while as we searched over the sands, taking pictures with a few of the figures, grasping their texture with the tips of my fingers, trying to ignore the wind and the drizzle. We darted down the beach, smiling and chatting and taking it all in together, Harry always checking over me as though waiting to hear my approval of the spot, smiling sweetly as he watched me work my way around the sands. I took my time. Despite the fact that the figures had once been identical, the way the weather and the sea had changed each individual one meant that they all deserved my attention. Harry had gotten a little further down the beach, and by the time I’d caught up, he was leaning leisurely against one of the statues, arms folded, smirking, impressed with his idea and just how much I was loving it there. I took out my phone, and snapped another picture of him. “What’re you doing?” He sniggered. “You just look good, so I’m taking a picture.” I shrugged, shoving my phone back into my pocket. “Little birthday picture.” “You seem happy.” He spoke lowly, still with that smug smile on those plump lips as I stood myself ahead of him, the front of my body almost greeting his. “I’m very happy.” I nodded, tugging at the bottom of his jumper a little. “M’here, with you, learning more and more about Liverpool, the birth place of my boys. What more could I want? In life?” He grinned briefly before biting at his bottom lip, looking down to me, the weak sun seeming like an eternal glow in the way it reflected in his eyes then. I couldn’t tear my vision from them, just staring up at him, and he looked back like it was totally naturally, that intense lock of our gazes. “You’re looking pretty good to say you’re half way to fifty now.” I could barely contain my smile. “Y’know what, Lona, whenever I feel like we’re having a nice little moment, you have to ruin it!” “That was a compliment!” I cried, choking back my giggles. “It was backhanded compliment. I asked you three times yesterday not to mention that I’m half way to fifty!” He complained, shaking his rucksack off his shoulder. “C’mon, lets bloody eat, I’m starving.” Before we’d made our way to the beach, we’d nipped up into Harry’s flat and prepared a very tiny picnic to take with us, consisting of some very basic sandwiches and a few bags of crisps, and Harry had also grabbed a old tattered blanket that he’d had since he was little, one he cuddled up with when he was either hungover or heartbroken. He lay it out on the sand for us, the wind trying to take off with it so we threw ourselves down rather quickly, Harry routing through his bag and passing over the food for me. “Thank you.” I beamed, unwrapping the clingfilm from my butty. “You’re welcome.” He returned, digging into his own. “Y’know… this is the fifth birthday you’ve been lumbered with me now.” “Is it really?” He turned to me, taking a huge bite of his food. “Yup. Twenty-fourteen, we were both working. I’d only been there like… two months, but you’d mentioned it to me like casually a few days earlier, and I made you a little cupcake and you told me you loved me.” I giggled. “Shit! Yeah, I remember. You make good cupcakes.” “I do.” I cooed. “Twenty-fifteen, we were with your mum.” That year seemed a little more solemn compared to the others. It had only been a few weeks since she’d called him that night, and on his birthday that year, she was still very bruised and weak and trying to make sure that bastard was locked up for what he’d done to her. It hadn’t been an easy time, that was why we’d made the effort to go there and see her. Harry simply nodded, so I continued my list. “Twenty-sixteen, you dragged me to Manchester so you could froth at the mouth over The Stone Roses.” “Don’t get smarmy with me, Lona. You have entire life decisions based around The Beatles.” His dimple dug into his cheek, leaning forward slightly, balancing his long arms atop his knees, his butty still gripped in his hand. “And then,” I ignored him, chuckling timidly. “Last year, you were poorly so I brought you soup round and like… petted your hair all day because you’re pathetic. And now here we are again!” I took a bite, staring at the side of his face, watching him with his face forward, but seeming somewhat reflective. I wasn’t sure he’d ever thought about it, really, just how many years it had been, how year after year somehow, we always ended up spending our time together on his birthday. I think it was sometimes easy to forget just how embedded we were in one another’s lives. “Five years.” He sighed, looking out to sea. “Kinda hope… I don’t ever have to do a birthday without you.” “You won’t.” I told him confidently. He dropped his head, nodding slightly, and I really couldn’t tell where his head was at. His mood seemed low, somehow, biting at his bottom lip, like the cold was finally getting to him. I nudged him a little, shooting him a questioning gaze, but he didn’t turn to see it. “You alright?” I tried. “Yeah. M’good.” “Sure?” “Yeah.” “Okay.” I took another bite, trying to believe him. “Where’s Sara today?” “She’s working.” He replied, and then he finally lifted his head, looking back at me. “Got plans to see her tonight.” “Oh yeah. I need to speak to her, actually, see what’s going on.” She’d organised the plan of action for the evening, how we would be celebrating Harry’s birthday, and she’d told me a couple of weeks back that she’d be in touch to let me know what was going on, but I hadn’t heard from her. “I… I think I’m falling in love with her, y’know?” I bolted my head to him, eyes wide, trying not to choke on my food. This is what I’d hoped for! Despite how long they’d been together, he’d been withdrawn and nervous that he hadn’t reached that stage, and I’d sort of worried that he never would! It hadn’t been too long since we’d spoken outside my front door and he told me he’d overthought the whole thing, that he wasn’t fully settling. I knew he’d been feeling a bit better, but that was a leap. “You serious?” I gawped. “Yeah. I… I feel really good. I feel… settled.” “Settled?” “Yeah! Just… calm. And it’s nice! I feel… nice around her.” I wasn’t an expert when it came to love. I was far from it really, but that wasn’t necessarily what I felt I needed love to be. Having someone I believed I could settle with and live my life with sounded incredible, but I always thought of love being this exciting thing, something that kept me on my toes made me want to scream and didn’t just feel like this humdrum or calm part of my life. I wasn’t expecting my life to be this exhilarating force to be reckoned with, but I certainly wanted my love to be. “That’s… That’s good!” I smiled. “Yeah. Feels good.” “Good. Well, I’m glad.” I nudged him again. “I like you happy. It makes me happy. You deserve this.” “Deserve it?” Doubt and queries lined his face. “Yeah! You’re… You’re just amazing, like… Every day, you do something that amazes me and makes me… love you even more. You deserve to be happy and be in love and just… Yeah. I dunno.” I simply shrugged, unsure how to elaborate my point, what else to say. I wished nothing but happiness for him, forever. I didn’t know how to fully describe that feeling, that sensation of wanting nothing but good things for the boy, for him to be thriving, blissful, content, driven and loved. But I couldn’t word it. Nothing seemed to do justice. I bit my tongue, cracking my neck and gazing ahead of myself. “Lona?” “Mm?” “You mean that?” “Of course.” I felt him balancing his chin on my shoulder, a very bashful smile creeping its way upon my lips, still not turning to look at him. He pursed his lips and blew directly onto my neck, to which I spasmed rather dramatically, groaning and then laughing. “Fuck off! Idiot.” I twisted my neck. He still was still resting on me, beaming brightly, fluttering his eyelashes innocently. I leaned in and gave him a big kiss on the forehead, mwah-ing as I did, before leaning my forehead against his, closing my eyes, breathing him in. I was finding it hard to contain my smile. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.” He whispered. My heart was beating so vigorously I could practically hear it, and maybe he could too, maybe that’s why he smiled so brightly then, pleased with my hearts giddy actions over his words. “All you need is love.” I grinned back. “Typical.” He rolled his eyes, moving his head and returning to his previous position. “Y’know, I think that might be my favourite Beatles song.” I cleared my throat and immediately went back to tucking into my food, thinking over his statement, predicting his next question, and my mind was already going absolutely wild trying to limit my options and reach a decision. “Really?” I blundered. “Hm.” “Not yours then?” “No. I don’t think it would even make the top ten.” I gaped. “But I can’t decide my favourite Beatles song so please don’t ask me. I just can’t. There are too many!” “Okay. Right now. In this very moment.” He encouraged. “I won’t… hold you to it.” He chuckled sweetly, waiting rather eagerly for my answer, so I thought it over. Looking across the Mersey, I felt moved. I felt moved that I was there, moved by the art, moved that I was with my favourite person, so I thought about the song of theirs that moved me the most, too. One that I could fit into that moment and feel utterly overwhelmed. “A Day in the Life.” I answered, nodding confidently. “Why?” “It… It brings out emotions in me that I can’t… understand.” I tried to answer. “I used to be scared of it when I was little. Used to cry and ask my dad to turn it off.” “Really?” “Mhm. But, thankfully I got past it, because that song is pure magic.” “That’s so cute.” “There’s just something special about it.” I continued. “The way the mood changes… The way it’s… sometimes dark and sinister, but then it’s soft and light and fun, and then it’s… heart-breaking. And it’s all in one fucking song, and it’s so… powerful, y’know? And don’t even get me started on the subtle magic of Ringo on the drums in that song.” I grinned, and he laughed lightly. “It’s one of the many reasons he’s my favourite. I mean… I’ve listened to it a million times and it… It moves me every single time.” He'd been staring at me the entire time, and one of the things I liked about Harry was how I could mumble on about the most mundane things and yet he would give me every single ounce of his attention, like I speaking wonders he’d never heard before, like my words immediately shot into his heart and engrained themselves there. But Harry was like that, through and through. “Proud of you for making a decision, Kid.” Harry remarked. “Didn’t really think I’d get an answer out of ya.” “That was a big moment for me. I’ll probably change my mind tomorrow.” “But today, that’s your answer. A Day in the Life of Bellona Brown.” “A fucking brilliant day.” It felt so good to have him smiling like that, so wide I had to question if his cheeks were hurting. I couldn’t wait to make his day even better.

“Lona, hurry the fuck up, I’m too eager.” “You know this door jams all the time. Just… Lemme…” I bit my tongue and squinted my eyes as I attempted to jiggle the key and yank the door in the perfect way, so we could finally get indoors and I could finally give Harry his present. I thought I’d become a bit of an expert at the exact technique over my years living there, but occasionally the damn thing would stick and I would be utterly convinced there was no budging it. I’d once been trapped out there for a good hour before I finally caved and called Harry, who practically kicked the damn thing down to get me inside. I budged it with some force, knocking my shoulder into it, and we were finally indoors. “PRESENT!” Harry screamed, forcing his way past me and running down the corridor. I tittered as I walked in and closed the door gently behind me, loving being home. The hallway was painted pink, and whenever I walked in there I immediately felt calm and at home. It was such a bright and inviting space, and even though I was absolutely sure it would end up costing me my deposit, I didn’t really care. “WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?” He yelled, darting excitedly from my living room and then into my bedroom. “Back in here, you fool.” I shrugged off my bag and my coat as he bounced back into the correct room, so ludicrously excited, but this happened every year. The year before, I’d been so skint from moving jobs that I’d bought him a single banana, but since I’d wrapped it in a bow he acted as though it was the best gift he’d ever received. He’d laughed and hugged me and declared it his favourite present of the year. I thought I could sprinkle glitter on shit and he’d think it was incredible. I walked over to the tiny desk that sat between my sofa and my kitchen area, confidently laying my hand on top of the blanket that covered his gift, watching him try to contain his excitement. “So… I’ve saved up for this.” “What?” “I spotted it months ago. It’s not just… a recent thing, so don’t worry about my finances, okay? I saved for it, and I did it sensibly.” I could see his excitement fading a little bit, but not in a way that suggested he was no longer eager or happy, but just so absorbed by what I could have gotten him that would have actually cost me money, it reduced that giddiness. He was exceptionally intrigued. He took a step forward, eyeing me. “So you have to cherish this… forever, okay?” “Okay.” He whispered. “Ready?” “I think so.” As dramatically and with as much speed as I could muster, I ripped the throw to the side, and revealed the typewriter to him. I’d stumbled across it in this gorgeous antique shop down the road from me almost nine months earlier, and I knew I needed to get it for him. Harry liked to write, from songs to poetry to his most secret and special thoughts. He’d write them down, type them out, printing his words and his poetry and his thoughts onto paper. It was a hobby, a passion, and something that I knew simply helped him filter things and deal with his own emotions. He’d wanted something like this for a while, but I knew it was one of those things he talked about and wished he had, but he’d never actually get around to spending his hard-earned money on it. It was never necessarily a thought come payday, and he didn’t want to get some cheap modern one, or a knock off. This one was perfect. It was clearly ancient, but it had aged beautifully. The black paint was chipped and murky, the gold keys and flowers that had been hand-painted onto the surface were almost withered but still had a shine, scratches and dints making its beauty even more radiant. It was perfect. He stood silently staring down to it, taking one almost hesitant step closer, mouth wide, fingertips already desperate to smooth over its edges. “It’s really old.” I explained. “I think he said from the late eighteen-hundreds, so I took it to this like… special place, and they sorted out like the keyboard for you, so they kept the original pieces but they fixed them, so you can use it like it’s brand new!” He turned to me then for a split second, but then took his eyes back to the machine, but not before I’d spotted the tears in his eyes. “I can’t remember the name. It’s like… Sholes…” “It’s a Sholes and Glidden.” He answered for me, rather breathlessly. “Yes!” I squealed. “How did you know that?” “Lona… I love these things. They’re just… It’s beautiful… I can’t believe… I cannot believe you’ve gotten this for me. I… I dunno what to say.” He gasped. “Oh for fuck sake, I’m gunna cry.” He chuckled breathily, rubbing the back of his wrist over both eyes, trying to shake it off. I knew he was going to love it. I’d been so damn confident about it, but actually seeing his reaction and seeing what it meant to him felt otherworldly. I stepped a little closer to him, with tears in my eyes by that point, watching him finally reach out and feel over it, shaking his head, like he truly couldn’t believe it. “Do you love it?” I asked. “It’s amazing. It’s… I love it. I love it so, so much. Thank you. I…” I slotted myself against his side, letting out a tiny, happy blubber of tears as I nestled against him and hid my face against his body, feeling him turn so he could sufficiently wrap both his arms around me, and hold me. I was overwhelmed because not only had I never really had the money to buy anyone such thoughtful presents, but I didn’t have anyone else in my life who I wanted or felt the need to buy such wonderful gifts for. It was different with family; it felt like it was a given that I’d try my best for them, to try and show how thankful I was for all my parents had done for me. It felt different to have someone in my life who I had been lucky enough to meet who meant so much to me. I wanted to spoil him, to shower him with love and gifts and do everything I could for him, not because he was family but because he meant everything to me. “Why are we both crying over a bloody typewriter?” I huffed, still teary, pulling away slightly. “Because… Because it’s beautiful. And it means a lot to me, that you’d do this for me.” “Mm.” He reached upwards, cupping my pink cheek in his large hand, taking his thumb and steadily wiping some of my tears away, his throat hitching, moving a little closer to me. Cautiously, I looked up to him. “Thank you.” He mumbled. “You’re welcome.” “It’s amazing. You’re amazing.” “You can write a little poem about me now.” I joked. “You’re more than a poem. You’re a fucking novel. You’re a classic. Timeless.” He hadn’t taken my joke, he’d simply hit back with that statement with so much strength and veracity, I had to hold back more tears, shudders shooting like sparks across my skin, feeling as though my tears were going to stop soon and I’d find some equilibrium, but the way he was looking at me then made me feel otherwise. His hand travelled from my cheek to the back of my head, fingers weaving through my thick hair, tears still lingering in his eyes, but I swear he didn’t even blink. He just looked at me, fingertips almost tugging at strands of my hair, as though forcing my chin even higher, like he subconsciously needed to keep my gaze locked with his. The sound of his phone ringing pierced the room in a rather unfriendly way, pulling us from the moment as Harry let out an almost frustrated sigh, stepping away, hand slipping from my hair and reaching into his back pocket to retrieve his phone. “It’s Sara.” He told me once he’d glanced at the screen, voice deep and drained. “Ooh, let me!” I shook off my emotional tears, reaching for his phone. “I need to speak to her about tonight!” “Okay.” He passed it over to me. “M’gunna… stay here and freak out about the present.” “Okay.” I giggled. I darted off back out into the corridor outside my flat as quickly as possible hoping not to miss the call, carefully shutting the door behind myself and praying I’d be able to get back inside. She’d taken charge of the evening, and I knew what she had planned was going to be a surprise for Harry, so I didn’t want him to overhear anything. “Hey, Sara, it’s Lona!” I beamed as soon as I answered. “Oh!” She grumbled. “Hi. Where’s Harry?” “I’ve just given him his present, we’re at mine.” “Um… Okay…” She sounded extremely puzzled by the scenario, though I wasn’t entirely sure why that was. I suppose our day out together had been a little impromptu, so maybe she hadn’t thought we’d be together. “I just wanted to ask you about tonight!” I ignored her tone, remaining chipper. “I know it’s in your hands, and you said you’d be in touch but I never heard from you. What’s the plan?” Her following silence made me immediately uncomfortable. I couldn’t even hear her breathing, which spurred me to check if she’d hung up on me, and then I quickly returned the phone to my ear when I knew she was still there. I didn’t even want to spur her to say more, because I could feel that I was pissed off before she’d even given me an answer, because I knew I wasn’t going to like it. I could fucking tell. I let her stew, let her try to find the right way of wording this to me. In a way, I saw it coming. “I… I’m sorry, Bellona, but you can’t come tonight.” I looked down to the floor, biting my tongue, my jaw tightening. “Why?” “It’s… It’s this thing, right? You book it, and you’re sorted for the evening. Meal, drinks, everything until like three in the morning. I’ve paid upfront, but there’s a headcount and… I couldn’t squeeze you in.” “Are you fucking kidding, Sara? I’m his best mate!” “But I’d already told his uni mates about it! They were so excited and I didn’t wanna let them down. That’s why I didn’t call, I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m sorry.” I was speechless. She’d done well. Her and Harry had been together around seven months, nearly eight, and beforehand I hadn’t really spotted much behaviour from her that I’d seen in previous relationships that both myself and Harry had been in, that jealousy, that bitterness, that misconception. But I knew what this was. I knew what it was, and it was fuck all to do with numbers and she certainly wasn’t sorry. She didn’t want me there. If anything, the amount of time it had taken only made things worse. Both myself and Harry finally felt like he was with someone who was okay with our friendship, and he’d fallen for her. This wasn’t something new that he could turn away from, it wasn’t something that he knew to turn away from because of early warning signs. He loved her. If this had happened six months earlier, I’d have told him and he’d have backed off, I knew it. But it was too late for that. She was turning against me and I knew it. “Sara… is there nothing you can do?” I tried. “Sorry.” Was her simple reply. I felt as though I was going to burst into tears. I liked Sara and I had been so confident that she wouldn’t turn around and be that way with me. It was something I’d experienced more than once, I knew the routine. This was just the start. “Okay.” I grumbled. “It’s alright. Just one night, isn’t it?” “Get Harry to call me, alright?” “Sure. See you soon.” “Yeah, bye.” I hung up, wishing I could throw the fucking phone down the hallway and scream at the top of my lungs, but I stopped myself. I didn’t know how I should feel in that moment. Of course I was still beaming for the fact he had someone who he had fallen for, but maybe that was exactly what had given her the confidence to finally turn on me. Maybe he’d told her he loved her and she knew she was positioned deep enough in his heart to try and push me out of there. I felt sick. It was just one night, but I knew what it meant. Despite the clog in my throat, I made my way back indoors in an attempt to get this following conversation over as quickly as possible. I was utterly endeared when I walked in there, seeing him sat on the arm of my sofa still looking at the typewriter like it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. It didn’t help with the overwhelming need I had to burst into tears, but I still loved the image. He felt my presence, turning to see me, eyes bright. “Everything sorted?” He asked hopefully. “Um… I…” Lying to him was awful, before I’d even managed to do it. I never lied to Harry, I never felt any need to. The bullshit clogged up in my throat before I’d even had the fucking chance. He furrowed his brows, standing back upright. “I forgot… I don’t think I can come tonight.” “What?” “It’s just… I’m pretty skint at the minute-” “You know I’ll pay.” “But I don’t want you to pay, Harry. I’m sick of you… having to help me. I don’t want you to pay.” I bit, with more aggression than I’d intended. “Grow up, Lona. I know full well if I’m ever struggling, you’ll help me. Stop overthinking it.” “It’s not even just that, I… I’ve got a job interview in the morning.” I lied. “On a Saturday?” He shrieked. “I know, but, I really like the look of the job.” Another lie. “Then just come for some food with us.” “But… there’s this excel test thing, and I told them I’m experienced on it which I’m not, so I need to scrub up on my knowledge.” Lie after lie after fucking lie. “So… I just think it’s best if I don’t come.” “Lona, it’s my birthday. C’mon. Please?” I think he knew something wasn’t quite right, but thanks to the fact that we didn’t lie to one another, it wasn’t something he expected from me. He absolutely knew that something was off, but it wasn’t adding up to him. But, despite my new negative feelings towards Sara, I didn’t want to tell Harry what she’d done in a blatant attempt to cut me out of the evening, and then work her way from there. He loved her, and I didn’t want to then turn around and tell him that I was absolutely sure that she hated our friendship and wanted to ween me out as much as she physically could. Like I’d told him that day, he deserved that love, he deserved to feel that way and experience that, and Sara was the one he’d fallen for and I didn’t want to fuck that up for him or be an influence in him doubting what they had. I was going to try my absolute best to remain a solid and important part of his life, but I was going to do so without making him distance from a girl he’d been lucky enough to fall in love with. “M'sorry.” I whispered. “I wish I could but… it’s just not gunna work this year.” He let out a large sigh, running his tongue over his teeth but finally nodding, seeming to accept what I was saying, even though he did seem extremely disappointed. “Okay. You’re right, okay, I’m sorry.” He approached me, arms held out so I could once again cuddle against him. “I know you wanna be working again. It’s more important than my birthday, I’m sorry.” I lay my head against his chest and gripped onto his jumper, latching onto him like I was already fucking terrified that at some point soon, he wouldn’t be that close to me, like I could lose him. I gripped on through fear that soon he would slip through my fingers. “I wish I could.” My voice dove through the fabric of his jumper. “I wish you could too. Least I got the full day with you.” “I hope you have fun.” “Mm. Be hard work without you there, but I’ll try.” Safe against his chest, I let a few tears fall, despising the feeling that was crawling around my stomach and telling me that things were going to get hard for us. I stayed at quiet as I could, hoping he wouldn’t notice the fact that I was clearly upset, that my current tears were totally different to the ones I’d experienced during our last embrace. I hated it. I hated that I could almost feel pain. “I’m sorry.” I choked. “Don’t be.” He hushed. “I just wanna support you. I just want what’s best for you.” I wanted the same thing, but the only thing that I could think in that moment was that Harry was what was best for me, and once again, there was someone there trying to rip that apart. And in a way, I was letting her.

[fadedtoblue]

I'd normally just message you about this, but I think it'd make some good meta. What do you think when folks say "Matt belongs with Karen and Daredevil with Elektra" ?

Sorry it took me so long to finish this, as you know with me…I ALWAYS HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS. I appreciate the question though and I enjoy the chance to think about this concept more deeply…I certainly made a lot of effort to make sure my reasoning felt logical? Disclaimer: this is going to focus more on DDS2 Elektra than post-TD Elektra because there’s a lot that isn’t entirely clear about where her characterization is meant to go from that storyline. I don’t want to muddy the waters up too much so I’m just drawing the line here now. I might write something separate regarding the end of The Defenders b/c I’m seeing some conversation popping up here and there around the motivations behind that ending but, yeah, not super relevant here. I also apologize in advance b/c I think I’m going to go off on a couple of meta tangents regarding both Karen and Elektra before I get back to addressing the crux of the concept so…bear with me!

Let’s start out by quoting some words from Mr. Cox himself, who was fairly consistent in falling back on some variation of this hypothesis in almost all the interviews I’ve read / watched with him during press for DDS2 – this quote isn’t quite exact to the question, but it’s close…I’m also sure there are better ones, but this was just the first one I had accessible:

With Karen, he’s Matt Murdock. He’s the kind of man he’s always wanted to be. She brings out of him a kindness and a generosity and a belief in law and order, and right and wrong. She taps into something that is the kind of person he’s always seen himself – the kind of person his father wanted him to be. But Karen doesn’t know about Daredevil, and that’s undeniably a huge part of his life.

With Elektra, it’s the opposite. She knows all about Daredevil. She accepts that, and encourages him in a way that no one else does. But she also sees a dark side, or she tries to draw out of him a disregard for law and order, a disregard for people and property, and those things which isn’t who he is.

On a super simplistic, superficial level, yeah – it makes sense. Karen and Elektra were already involved, in very different ways, with the two sides of Matt’s hyper-compartmentalized lifestyle. As a result, I understand why there’s this intrinsic pull to connect Karen with Matt’s ‘day’ life and Elektra with Matt’s ‘night’ life, and then draw the line from that to, “Matt loves Karen, Daredevil loves Elektra” and vice versa. I disagree, however, with the basic premise of Charlie’s statement / this kind of statement in general, mainly because while Karen and Elektra both make very useful props to further illustrate the trials and tribulations of one very confused and conflicted Matt Murdock, you can easily remove both of them from the equation and come to exactly the same answer: which is that Matt Murdock was already a kind, generous man, with a belief in law and order and right and wrong, coupled with an absolutely hypocritical flagrant disregard for law, order, people and property every time he runs out and pulls on that mask. If you look up the word denial in the dictionary, it might as well have Matt Murdock’s pretty face filling up the page. My point is…Karen didn’t make Matt better and Elektra didn’t make Matt worse. Matt was already the man he had chosen to be, and for some reason it seems easier to credit / blame either one of these women for his inherent character traits when in fact, this was the person he already was before either of them came into the picture.

Now, I think a better way to phrase this concept is that Karen is attracted to what Matt Murdock represents, and likewise, Elektra is attracted to Daredevil represents, and that is why Matt belongs with Karen / Daredevil belongs with Elektra. And to this I say….mmmm maybe, maybe not. Based on what we’ve been given so far on the show, one could argue that neither Karen or Elektra have yet had the opportunity to fully experience both sides of Matt Murdock and maybe neither of them ever will. But I think there is enough here to try to figure out whether the Karen –> Matt / Elektra –> DD line of thinking holds water, and whether either of them have a better shot of being the right fit for both sides.

Let’s tackle Karen first.

On paper, there’s a lot that should work between Karen and Matt. It’s sweet and innocent in a way that so many things aren’t in Daredevil’s world. They share a lot of similar qualities – real go-getters for truth and justice and light, stubborn and quite headstrong, but still caring and empathetic individuals. I can see why they get categorized as the nice / healthy / safe option. But the primary problem with all of that lies in the fact that the foundation of their apparent relationship might as well be built on sand – almost everything they think they know and love about the other are at best half-truths, at worse, straight up lies: Matt, a blind, super stand-up handsome attorney with a genuine heart for justice, lives quite the secret double life as Daredevil, crime fighting vigilante with a not-talked-about-enough rage problem, and Karen, sweet, strong, spunky secretary with a heart of gold, has a secret murder on her conscience and an as-yet-to-be-determined dark and tragic backstory that may completely turn our opinions of her on its head. My issue with this is less that they keep secrets – who doesn’t keep secrets in this universe? – but that the image they’ve built up of each other and have become attracted to are very incomplete versions of themselves, and thus renders their relationship sadly superficial in a way they weren’t even aware. Which means the ironic thing about them being the conventional, safe romantic option is that nothing about them is actually that conventional or healthy or safe at all. Their relationship can be summed up by them lying to each other and to themselves about almost…everything, which isn’t a judgement of either character, it’s simply facts.

Now to be fair, from a storytelling perspective, this doesn’t mean there isn’t some hope of salvaging a meaningful relationship even with the deceit (one could argue this is exactly what they managed to do with Matt and Elektra). It certainly wouldn’t be the first time a television show deploys that old trope: two people who thought they knew each other realize they didn’t actually know anything about each other, harshly re-examine everything they’ve built up about each other so they can knock it all down and start from the beginning, etc. But I think the show has laid some interesting track with Karen’s character development, and I question whether pursuing a romantic relationship with Matt would honor that development in a positive way. My interpretation is that Karen, despite her propensity to get herself into very questionable situations, doesn’t actually want the danger. Yes, she finds herself more often than not running toward it, and she has an incredible amount of empathy for those who do not operate fully in the light, but that doesn’t mean she enjoys being in these dark and dangerous situations. She doesn’t want to see people she cares about get hurt. She doesn’t want to see herself get hurt. I do think she accepts that danger is oftentimes an unavoidable part of the process toward uncovering the truth (something that she learned from Ben and I think a huge reason why she worked as hard as she did to get as far as she did with Frank) – that danger in service of that truth can be tolerable, sometimes even bearable to live with. I’m not sure the way Matt goes about it, however, is compatible with her newfound tendency toward self-preservation.

As poorly as the post-DDS2 revelations were handled in The Defenders, I can still appreciate the little character nuggets they did throw out at us to better flesh out Karen’s headspace and motivations. I know the way it played out frustrated a lot of people – it frustrated me too. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that her stance on Matt as DD was not really that far outside the realm of believability. She’s not an idiot or a wet blanket or whatever negative descriptor you want to throw in here. She’s someone who has gone through a shit ton of trauma and wants to feel like she has some control over her life. She wants to be doing something that gives her purpose and fuels her passion (which she has found, through investigative journalism). And here’s the kicker: she wants to survive long enough to do these things. I know, I know, she still gets herself into some pretty crazy situations but I think to her, these situations are worth it if they can fix the things about her that are broken? If they can right the wrongs that lurk in her past, and if they can give her life a sense of meaning and purpose. I just really and truly don’t know what a relationship with Matt would offer her except all of the danger without any of the personal payoff. To constantly wonder about his health and safety and what her proximity to him does for her own chances of survival. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that their relationship only gains positive momentum when there’s nothing else is happening to fuck shit up. But the second any sort of outside stressor gets thrown into the situation, it might as well be like throwing a grenade into their personal growth. And the big reason for the constant imploding of progress always boils down to Matt and his secret identity. Which is such a salient reminder to me that when Karen fell for Matt, she didn’t know about Daredevil and thus was never afforded the choice in whether she wanted to be involved in Daredevil’s shenanigans. Honestly, it’s also not like she knew him long enough or well enough to have him consider her in that part of his life anyway. But this only highlights to me just how damaging these lies and omissions have been and how confusing they are to untangle after the fact, especially in light of all she’s been through personally. This is why I don’t really blame Karen for being wary and self-protective post-identity reveal and why I have to wonder about what positives this could hold for her as a character other than to check off the canon love interest box for Matt Murdock*. 

* A point that is interesting to me when compared to someone like Claire, who while not a comics canon relationship, was still meant to fill in that love interest role in DDS1. People have complained about her not getting her fair share of exploration as Matt’s love interest (a complaint I certainly shared back in S1) but regardless, once Claire had the information she needed to evaluate Matt and what this potentially could mean for the two of them, I think she made the very healthy choice to nope the hell out of there.

Karen may be “better” for Matt…but is Matt “better” for Karen?

And what about Elektra?

At first blush, Elektra represents every violent, id-driven impulse Matt Murdock tries to hide from the world and only chooses to unleash when he dons the Daredevil costume. Her introduction to Matt’s world is of a woman who exists as unfettered passion, of caution thrown to the wind, no thinking – just doing. It’s not surprising that this sort of encouragement leads to stolen cars, breaking and entering, damage of property, and almost-murder. Fast forward ten years later, and it seems that not much has initially changed, that present day Elektra still embodies so much of the young woman who first gave him the taste of pleasure through pain, and conveniently presents as an avatar for Matt’s darkest desires, the one who validates Daredevil’s actions and very existence. The fact that she comes to Matt looking specifically for Daredevil’s help, and ropes him into a crime-centered mission whilst unintentionally undermining the work that he does as Matt Murdock, lawyer, makes it easier to put Elektra in the “wants DD, not Matt Murdock” column. Some would probably take it farther and argue that nothing about Elektra is worth redeeming and that her influence should be kept away from Matt at all costs.

As with almost everything about Elektra, it’s not that simple of course!

I think the first step is looking past the bullshit storyline Elektra got saddled with regarding the Hand and the more superficial backlash toward her character because she had the balls to not only represent but encourage the other equally valid part of Matt’s life as Daredevil (and this can’t be said enough, but Elektra deserves ZERO culpability for Matt’s inability to balance and prioritize his own shit). When you do you’ll find there are quite a few fascinating insights into her character that develop over the course of DDS2, which may not serve to make her relationship with Matt any more “normal” or “healthy” (both terms that are laughable when used in relation to Matt Murdock anyway), but do provide a really crucial prism through which to examine what they could be together.

In my opinion, the thinking that Elektra is good for DD and not Matt is short sighted. Yes, she is an incredibly skilled fighter and appears to have a higher level of respect for Matt’s activities as Daredevil than she does for Matt’s work in law. But is this actually true? We know that Elektra likes to conveniently play up the femme fatale role, throwing in a bit of the enabler / bad influence for good measure. We also know she views the world with much more disdain than Matthew, and has a less stringent moral compass than…well, almost everyone. But as this wonderful post by @xtltokio highlights, at the heart of it (and I’m focusing on DDS2 here) Elektra is actually one of the good guys. And I quote:

Elektra was fighting a war, a bloody, messy and complicated war. But most of all she was fighting for the right side. In addition to being raise to be a Assassin, a weapon, she was also a soldier in a war she believed in. She hated and was terrified of turning a weapon to The Hand.

As a valued soldier in the Chaste army, Elektra is literally all about taking out the bad guys (yes, by killing them), rooting out evil and dispensing justice against the Hand. She’s just quite a bit more pragmatic about it than Matt. And it’s funny – we all know and acknowledge that Stick is an obnoxious asshole but  no one ever questions whether he’s on the right side of the war while he’s cutting down ninjas left and right, do they? But I digress. Now, the flashback sequence in TD 1x07 in particular does a lot to put some of Elektra’s actions from 10 years ago into further context, especially this quote from Stick: “[Not killing] doesn’t make him good, Ellie…it just makes him weak.” What is it that makes Elektra’s moral code so much worse than Matt’s? That she has no hesitation in dispatching people she perceives to be her enemies so that she can keep the people on her side of the war safe? Is her sin that she sometimes enjoys the thrill of the kill (honestly, I still find this assessment to be a little questionable). And what does that say about Matt, who has a strict moral code about not killing, but most certainly derives a certain level of pleasure and willingness to embrace a lack of self-restraint when it comes to violently injuring his opponents?

When it comes down to it, Matt and Elektra are two people cut from the same cloth, coming of age in the wake of trauma and violence, trained by Stick to harness their anger into something deeper and darker and we know one of the only reasons Matt didn’t descend down to the same darkness was because his training was cut short. So we have to realize this is some absolutely crucial context to judge her character by. When we do, we know that for as much as Elektra exhibited unhealthy, and yes, sometimes toxic behaviors in her early relationship with Matt (though it was also in service of a mission and not necessarily indicative of what she would have done on her own), we also know that Matt changed a core part of her being, or if you don’t think it went that far, can at least admit he planted a seed of change within her. And the fact that this inherent goodness within her has been brought up so many times in show canon that I honestly don’t believe it’s incidental. I really believe that even in the wake of The Defenders, making sense of that potential goodness will be a core part of Elektra’s story should she reappear again in the future. And it is within this potential for light that I find possibilities for a successful Daredevil and Elektra pairing, and even more so in one for Matt and Elektra.

It’s funny to me when people say Elektra loves Daredevil and not Matt Murdock because she fell in love with Matt Murdock before Daredevil ever existed. She was the first one to know and embrace the duality in him. She also knows that Daredevil isn’t a separate part of Matt – Daredevil is Matt. Admittedly, it took him longer to understand the duality within Elektra, but for all of his self-righteousness, he never lost his belief in her. Even with the lies, they have never been anything other than themselves with each other. The way they viewed the world, their personalities, their abilities, everything was out there for each other to see and explore. The biggest thing Elektra hid from Matt was her work with the Chaste and relationship with Stick yet even that is the kind of lie that ultimately Matt would 100% understand because of own his history and familiarity with Stick and his causes. And I don’t think this can be said enough, but does anyone remember when Elektra actually develops as a character over the course of DDS2? Like how by 2x08 she has genuinely accepted Matt’s desire for the light, no strings attached? She is GLAD that she didn’t snuff out his darkness? And when Matt asks her to leave, she DOES. She is willing to walk out of his life because he believes they are corrupting each other and as hurt as she must have been in that moment, she does exactly what he asks of her. And remember how she is willing to be convinced by Matt that she doesn’t have to be a weapon for the Hand, and she makes the choice to fight on his side? And how she is absolutely frustrated with his desire to save the Hand hostages because she rightfully identifies it as a trap, but she knows how he is and she helps him anyway. Even Father Lanthom directly rebuts Matt’s statements at the beginning of Defenders, when Matt questions whether Elektra would be disappointed in him for abandoning Daredevil. Because he’s clearly heard enough about Elektra from Matt’s many visits to be able to piece together an image of this mysterious, damaged woman that isn’t just the coldhearted monster people seem to think she is, but the feeling woman who actually cares about Matt’s desires and wellbeing that exists underneath. It’s odd that all of these things seem so casually discarded in favor of highlighting Elektra’s darker tendencies, huh?

If you ask me, there seems to be quite more going for Elektra than initially meets the eye. I fall back on this Elodie on Elektra quote a lot, but I think it sums it up so nicely:

They seem to be very different, but maybe deep down, they are quite similar and that’s where their bond comes from. She comes across as being the bad girl and he comes across as being the good guy, but maybe they’re both somewhere in the middle. Maybe Matthew isn’t that good and maybe Elektra isn’t that bad. They complete each other.

So it all boils down to a few key factors for me.

Let me preface this conclusion by saying that I honestly don’t think Daredevil’s story, at least if they continue to follow the blueprint set up by his very long and robust comics history, includes any sort of Happily Ever After. The closest thing he’s got to any sort of safe and stable relationship is with Foggy and I do think in the end, Foggy will (probably) be the one left standing. But the question is whether there’s any truth / logic / weight in the concept of Matt belongs with Karen and DD belongs with Elektra. And ultimately, I say: no. I believe that just as Karen and Elektra both deserve someone who can fully appreciate them for who they are, Matt also deserves someone who can appreciate him for who he is, for both sides. If you were able to break Matt into two halves, then sure, each of these women would probably be more appropriately matched with one half over the other. But Matt isn’t two people. Matt is one. So if I have to consider which person would actually work best with Matt as Matt Murdock and Matt as Daredevil, Elektra will have the edge for me.

I don’t doubt that they’ll take Matt and Karen back down that road in S3 but as someone who may not ever love this character, but can still respect the changes they’ve done with her, I just can’t see how this is going to work without making Matt into a completely different person, or sacrificing a lot of the strides they’ve made with Karen’s characterization. They’ve done such a stellar job giving Karen stories that allow her to stand on her own, even when she stumbles and makes mistakes and forces me to curse under my breath for the umpteenth time. And it’s not that I feel like she doesn’t deserve to also have romance and softness and love, it’s just that based on all of the things we know about her, I’m not sure Matt can ever give her what she needs, or vice versa. Time and time again, Matt had demonstrated that Karen just isn’t that high of a priority in his life – given the choice between Elektra and Karen, 9 out of 10, he’s going with Elektra. And the sad thing is that I’m pretty sure there was absolutely zero active intent to abandon and belittle Karen, but his actions and his words were always in character, and the message was crystal clear. Sure, there are ways that Matt can certainly be a better person and friend and boyfriend, but there will be limits to that growth because Matt Murdock still has to be Matt Murdock. As long as Daredevil exists and Matt lives his life on the edge of some unpredictable danger, I think that’s just going to be one edge too much for Karen Page. I don’t think they’ll ever be able to eliminate that fundamental disconnect between the sweet Matt and Karen they hypothetically want to be based on the fronts they put on for each other – the one that seems so nice and healthy and safe – and the one that is reality, the frustrating and messy and confusing one where you acknowledge that maybe although they’re two people who have enough in common to be good friends and care deeply for one another, but the future just isn’t there, much like how it ended with Matt and Claire.

Most Mattelektra shippers will be the first to confess that this is no model relationship. We know it’s not healthy. We know it’s messed up. These two clearly have a bond that seems to defy reason or logic and sometimes, even sanity. But even so, at its core, their emotional connection is still rooted in a foundation of unconditional love, understanding, and belief in one another. It’s the sort of thing that leads them to give more to each other than they’d ever been able to give to other people. And because they know each other just that well, and believe in one another to such a degree, they are willing to run headlong into danger and death for it. This bond hasn’t always been used in the best way, nor have they ever had the chance truly be their best within it (I would say that Elektra’s death in DDS2 cut that potential tragically short for now), but I do think this quality gives them a very unique potential to bring out more from each other and to eventually become the best possible people they could be, within the context of their existing flaws and shortcomings. I think it’s more realistic (within the world of the show) to see Matt change himself enough to be a better partner for Elektra without sacrificing the things that make him who he is. And in turn, I can see a similar trajectory for Elektra, where she can also figure herself out and find a purpose for her life with a freedom that she was never afforded before, but also have someone who is supporting her and encouraging her along the way (mostly) without judging her.

*goes back to see what the ask was about* SO YEAH. Does this answer your question? Who the hell even knows.

But now you get to read my very long thoughts and you (and anyone else) can feel free to tell me what you think…I’m even open to some respectful discourse and disagreement as long as it doesn’t devolve into trashing my ship. I know I’m not as emotionally invested in Karen’s journey so maybe my reading on her is off…if I am, I’d love to hear some other takes. I’m just glad I’m done writing this thing :D.

[sapphireglyphs]

EXO Quiz

♦ Pick your top 5 biases and answer the questions

1. Kyungsoo | 2. Jongdae | 3. Chanyeol | 4. Yixing | 5. Baekhyun

♦ What do you like about 4?

I love so many things about Lay... hmm, if I were to choose just one thing that I really like I guess it would be his sincerity. I love how very candid he is with his feelings. 

♦ Is 2 an alcoholic?

I don’t believe he is just because I remember during an interview he once said “I believe that alcohol can make happy times even more fun but when consumed when you are sad it turns into a poison” or something to that extent. 

♦ Can 1 sing?

Is that a real question? It’s his voice I blame for me currently being such K-pop trash. I luv u bby plz come back to me healthy and happy from the military!!

♦ Is 5 in a relationship?

I don’t think so... he was... but I don’t think he is right now. But, what the hell do I know right?

♦ Would you go out with 3?

Probably not (lols!! xD) And I say this in the most loving way: he seems like a lot of work. Channie is sweet and hard working and super sensitive but I don’t think I could date ANYONE in EXO. They are all so amazing and perfect and I don’t think I could ever be good enough for any of them.

♦ Is 2 hot?

Quite! 😘

♦ Can 3 cook?

His tteok-bokki recipe is apparently very popular on SNS. 

♦ What do you like about 1?

I have written a literal essay about what I like about Do Kyungsoo. Please follow the cut for my fangirl feels. 

Ult bias... heh... I will try to keep this as concise as possible considering I can talk about how amazing and perfect he is all night.

My ultimate bias is Kyungsoo. Besides the obvious reasons as to why he's so amazing (from his beautiful, deep, baritone voice which is always so textured and full of emotions to his vulnerable, boundary-pushing, award-winning acting prowess, to his razor focus at perfecting any craft he puts his mind to - whether it's singing, acting, cooking, tap dancing, pronunciation of the English language, or putting on screen protectors!) the 3 qualities that I truly admire in him is his humble and respectful attitude towards everyone who comes in contact with him, his candidness, and his ability to flip it all on its head at the drop of a hat.

Kyungsoo has been praised by multiple people who have worked with him (co-actors and staff members alike) for his warm and caring personality. Whenever the other members are messing around too much, Kyungsoo who would scold them to focus so that the crew could rest or go home faster. When Chanyeol was stuck at home because he had hurt his vocal cords and couldn't sing or talk to anyone for I think nearly a month, Kyungsoo would often stop by and keep him company, sitting there in silence while playing games on his phone. He would show his love by cooking for the members, sending food trucks to member's individual project shoots, constantly asking the filming crew if they had eaten yet and that they should take a break. He’s even left to go and buy food for the staff members and brought it back for them, which is so rare in the industry! During concerts prep, he could often be seen helping staff members move sound equipment or asking if there was anything he could help with. That level of selflessness is so heartwarming to me. He never sees himself as a celebrity, being an insanely shy and reserved guy, he most likely dislikes the idea of "being a celebrity" so to see someone of his status/caliber be so down-to-earth it's an extremely attractive quality.

And yet, somehow, despite his rather laid back approach, Kyungsoo can often be so random in his own quirky way. I love that I know what to expect with him and yet never be bored watching him. He’s insanely caring and yet has a very strict moral code (see EXO Ladder S2 for all the “strict, rule following” Kyungsoo). He often comes off proper and polite but has moments where he would curse on national television (aka EXO Arcade) or say inappropriate or slightly perverted comments (multiple interviews and concert talks). He hates being called cute or adorable (from wearing cutesy hats to doing “aegyo”) and yet, without trying at all, he is often the squishiest human in existence. He has this amazing ability to be so competent at such a variety of things (see list above) and yet when he fails, he fails spectacularly as well. I love that duality about him - it makes him feel multifaceted and relatable AF. 

*sigh* There are so many other things that I can talk about (like how he proves that he’s a hopeless romantic when he was asked if he would choose ‘friendship’ or ‘love’, he candidly said ‘love’ without even hesitating. Or how he confessed about wanting to retire from the idol life and be a simple farmer, living off the land with his lovely wife and kids. Or how when EXO was asked what their ideal vacation destination would be, everyone wrote down an actual place and Kyungsoo just wrote, “I don’t care where we go as long as it’s together.” Or that he considers his two puppies his little sisters rather than pets in the family.) I honestly can go on and on and on but I’ll leave it off with a comment he said during an interview with JYP. The host asked him if he sees celebrity life as a good one or one that is uncomfortable? And perhaps the p.c. answer would have been something along the lines of positive experiences but instead Kyungsoo spoke from the heart and confessed that there are many things about the life that he’s uncomfortable with. That there were so many times that he was so tired of this lifestyle that he wanted to quit it all. I commend his resolve to not shy away from the truth and that candidness made me feel as though I can trust what I get with him: what you see is what you get. He’s not your ideal idol but that imperfection is what makes him so perfect and beautiful to me. Kyungsoo with forever be my penguin prince! 

♦ Has 4 had any solo albums?

Too many tbh, DAMNIT SM BRING BACK LAY TO EXO!! Yes, all of his self produced albums are fucking amazing and he totally doesn’t need SM to prove that he is a world-class artist but I miss Lay touching EXO’s butts 🤣 I love their hangouts and interactions and I just need Lay to comeback and be with his brothers!! 😢

♦ Would you set-up pair 2 and 5 together?

Lmaooooo!!! Chen and Baek would be the loudest, most chaotic pair ever! 

♦ Do you think 3 would be a good parent?

He would definitely be the “fun/cool” parent. xD

♦ What do you like about 2?

Dem vocals tho! OMFG!! 

♦ Would 3 take drugs?

I don’t know. I guess his hyper ass could do with a bit of weed in his life but probably not like... hard drugs. *shrugs* I just don’t feel like he’s the type. 

♦ Would 4 bail you out of jail?

He’s not in jail with me? Hmm, yeah, I think he would then. 

♦ Has 2 ever been on reality TV?

Can we define “Reality TV” shows a bit more? Like does that include competition shows and variety shows? Because if those count then he’s been on "King of Mask Singer” and “Travel without Manager”.

♦ Out of 1 and 5 who would be more likely to ask you out?

Like I said above, I honestly don’t think I am at all worthy of being asked out by any of the members from EXO but if we are going to play the delusional game for a tiny bit... of the 5... I think Kyungsoo would just because I’m not “confident” enough to be attractive to Baekhyun. :3

♦ Is 5 tall?

Not compared to the baby giraffe that is Park Chanyeol. 

♦ Do you like 4’s current hair style?

100%! This look on his is so refined and yet cool and sexy. ;) But, then again, Lay baby always look scrumptious!

♦ Is 2 gay?

It has been confirmed that he is not and is getting married and is going to be a Jongdaddy! :DD

♦ Would 3, 4 and 2 have a cross-dressing show?

Sure... I think they would be game... >_< Or is that just me being hopeful?

♦ Would 1 go skinny dipping?

No, he is waaaaaaay too shy to reveal his body. He said he has a tummy. *blushes* I think it’s cute but then again anything about him I find insanely attractive so... *shrugs*

♦ Does 3 remind you of anyone you know?

Not really. Channie is really playful and competitive and has a shit ton of energy but he’s also sensitive and really sweet.  

♦ Would 5 watch porn?

I 100% believe he does. I say this lovingly but hentai Baek is real. 

♦ Would you marry 1 but then have them divorce you 6 months later; marry 2 but have them run away a year later; date 3 but then lose them in a car crash a year later; date 4 but then break up 2 years later or sleep with 5 and have them or you pregnant?

Wow... Um... none of these options are really great. *sigh* Idk... I guess, I can live with dating Lay for 2 years. What an honor that would be. :3

[cullinankatsudon]

Yuri on Ice Rewatch/Review: Episode 5: Face Beet Red!! It's the First Competition! The Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu Championship

Sorry that there was such a long break in these manga/anime reports. The spoiler is I’m going to keep doing them well past the end date for this Rafflecopter, and I’m going to do more Rafflecopters, so, see you next level, I guess.

Anyway. Yuri on Ice, episode five.

As I tweeted today, after being at Animefest, I will forever hear “History Maker” and hear huge crowds of world-wide fans singing along and then cheering as the YOI team enter the room, which is what happened for every panel. Also at every panel either Kubo or Hiramatsu videotaped the room going crazy and Yamamoto brandished an American flag, waving it at us and then tucked it under her name plate. They were as excited to see us as we were them. Kubo said hearing us sing “History Maker” like that fulfilled a dream of hers. I think I mentioned in one of my posts (probably the angry one about how crappy the organizers were) that the YOI people stayed hours and hours past the one hour scheduled signing time every day. They were just so full of love. Truly the most wonderful people. Hiramatsu and Kubo wished we would order their books—Kubo’s manga are getting English releases this spring—and I’m probably going to buy his book even though I think it’s all in Japanese just to support him because HE IS SO NICE. They’re all so nice. I hope they are all having trouble walking to their front doors for all the money in the way.

Where was I? Oh yes. Not even through the opening credits. Sorry.

So the thing that really struck me this time watching this episode was how important it is. I feel like before I’ve always felt like I sort of endured it to get to the Grand Prix, but there’s actually a ton here that sets up so much growth for both Yuri and Victor individually and as a couple. Like we start out and Yuri is still crazy critical of himself, obsessed with the fact that he had to go first, that he’s the oldest guy there, that he fucked up last time, that he’s been practicing with Victor but he’s not sure about himself. Meanwhile there’s so much going on around him and he’s completely oblivious to it—things which by the end of the series he would never miss, not ever again. Victor eventually points this out, about how Yuri doesn’t support Minami, but it’s deeper than that. Yuri is shutting out everything, focusing like a laser on his likelihood of fucking up, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don’t know how much the creators of the show meant this to be a narrative about anxiety, but man, this is the episode where they really start to hit those notes well, I feel. I’ve written several books about people with anxiety but most notably live with two people who openly talk about their anxiety as part of their lives, and what Yuri goes through is exactly what my husband and daughter experience as people with clinical anxiety. It’s like this second skin, this third person you have to watch out for, and if you aren’t careful, it will drive your bus. It’s very much driving Yuri at the beginning of this episode, and the way things are initially set up, it’s going to continue.

Victor, meanwhile, is debuting as a coach and I think he is about as nervous as Yuri, but he shows it differently. He comes off as a dingbat, and I’ve written about him as such, but I think this is an act, in hindsight. I think Victor is scared. I think he wants to do well by Yuri but doesn’t know how, so he tries to keep it light and goes for his knee-jerk which is to play the ditz. Except as usual with Yuri this doesn’t work. He can’t fake his way with Yuri. Yuri just ignores him—literally just blanks him. I mean, Victor tries to shake this off by interrupting Yuri and talking for him, lending his confidence, but Yuri interrupts back and says no, I’ve told you, I was a mess and will be a mess most likely, you don’t understand. So Victor dresses up, to distract, to be professional, to make Yuri hot for him—all of the above? But no dice. Yuri is too set on being a mess. Victor tries to give him a cheerful pep talk and Yuri just walks off.

The only thing that works is for Victor to literally grab him. To hug him, to embrace him and whisper seductively in his ear and remind him, not in his ditz voice but in his real voice, what he should do. And while Yuri skates, we hear this is the voice Victor has used in practice. This is their private voice.

Now, also notice that as soon as Victor does this, Yuri changes. Suddenly this is a private performance. Yuri is sassy to the audience, and he remembers private times with Victor, as if the competition has faded away and there is only Victor and their time at Hastesu together. Even when he makes a mistake, he remembers Victor holding his hands in onsen and telling him his body makes beautiful music. It’s not his best performance of Eros, but it’s his personal best of his skating career so far.

They’re still learning each other, though—Victor reprimands him for not doing his best, which isn’t the right way to go—Yuri needs praise. And then he fucks up more, telling him to focus on his performance and lower the jump levels. None of these bits of advice are wrong, mind you—they make all the sense in the world. But Yuri is stubborn, and he doesn’t want to lower the jump levels. He wants to do both at once. So he’s frustrated with Victor all over the place. And then when Yuri is interviewed and doesn’t answer right away, Victor leaps in to speak for him, lending his confidence again. This might be for the best as Yuri doesn’t seem to know what to say for himself yet. But it’s not ideal, and it seems clumsy.

Yuri is also screwing up, with Minami. Minami is so eager to please Yuri, to show him his skating, which is modeled on a performance from Yuri’s past, but Yuri is too obsessed with his own past mistakes and potential for screw-ups now that he can’t see he’s being idolized the same way he did Victor. So he steps on Minami’s feelings and his motivation and misses a chance to lift himself up too. It’s just a mess.

Victor sees this and scolds him, which initially upsets Yuri, but he seems to eventually figure it out and then encourages Minami. This isn’t enough, though. He starts to watch Minami, with Victor’s words in mind, and he finally sees himself in the younger skater, both skills and flaws. And between Victor and Minami—both of them are required—Yuri finally finds himself. When he arrives for his free skate, he arrives. He is, at last, the Yuri Katsuki we will know throughout the Grand Prix, the one who will eventually get his moment on the podium.

I love the moment when Yuri stalks down the aisle to meet Victor—love Victor’s admiration of his costume and how beautiful Yuri looks in it, the lip balm, the embrace. The embrace in particular caught me this time around. It’s more than just a good luck hug, I think. Victor acknowledges Yuri has overcome his demons, that he’s gotten his shit together and is ready to do this thing. He doesn’t need to be propped up this skate. He’s just going to fucking skate.

I love too that we get Victor’s narration while Yuri skates. I remembered while I watched what it felt like to watch this skate for the first time, to feel that tension. It’s so wild to watch it now knowing everything I know, having seen it so many times. To know what Yuri’s added, where this skate took them both. I love all the cuts to Victor’s super-blue eyes. I love the way Yuri looks so uncertain still, how this really is him still refining the skate and you can tell.

I also love knowing we’re getting a fucking movie full of skating. And that Victor will skate too.

There’s something so sweet and still about this ep, though. The calm before the storm. The brilliance of this competition is the same as the inclusion of episode four. We need to see them here before they take off. And we need that damn wall nosebleed too. I love that Yuri gets a nosebleed not as an anime stereotype for Victor but literally a nosebleed, for effort. And that Victor rejects his embrace because of it. I’ve loved that this whole time. And the next time they do this skate…

Sigh. So much happy sigh.

We end this skate with Yuri not nervous and eaten by his anxiety but giving autographs and reporting he got lost in his skating because it was the most fun he’d ever had at a competition. Then he gives his press conference and basically declares, to the world, that he loves Victor—not just loves him but loves him in this complex, important way only the Japanese language has a word for, and he does it with the exact opposite of feeling as he was radiating when Victor had to step in and finish his sentences for him. He is confident and powerful and amazing. This is our boy, our Yuri. This is why Victor, and all of us, love him so much.

Oh, tomorrow is episode six. Except tomorrow is busy with a lot of stuff, including my birthday, so I might not be able to get there until Saturday. But we will get there. Make no mistake.

Rafflecopter link for the giveway accompanying this set of reviews/recaps. (Full explanation post, pic link as reminder of stuff on offer.)

A single stroke can change your world.

Xander Fairchild can’t stand people in general and frat boys in particular, so when he’s forced to spend his summer working on his senior project with Skylar Stone, a silver-tongued Delta Sig with a trust fund who wants to make Xander over into a shiny new image, Xander is determined to resist. He came to idyllic, Japanese culture-soaked Benten College to hide and make manga, not to be transformed into a corporate clone in the eleventh hour.

Skylar’s life has been laid out for him since before he was born, but all it takes is one look at Xander’s artwork, and the veneer around him begins to crack. Xander himself does plenty of damage too. There’s something about the antisocial artist’s refusal to yield that forces Skylar to acknowledge how much his own orchestrated future is killing him slowly…as is the truth about his gray-spectrum sexuality, which he hasn’t dared to speak aloud, even to himself.

Through a summer of art and friendship, Xander and Skylar learn more about each other, themselves, and their feelings for one another. But as their senior year begins, they must decide if they will part ways and return to the dull futures they had planned, or if they will take a risk and leap into a brightly colored future—together.

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Heidi Cullinan has always enjoyed a good love story, provided it has a happy ending. Proud to be from the first Midwestern state with full marriage equality, Heidi is a vocal advocate for LGBT rights. She writes positive-outcome romances for LGBT characters struggling against insurmountable odds because she believes there’s no such thing as too much happy ever after. When Heidi isn’t writing, she enjoys playing with new recipes, reading romance and manga, playing with her cats, and watching too much anime. Find out more about Heidi at heidicullinan.com.

[ofrosaspina]

How It Began — Darcy and Jae

How Darcy and Jae ( @a-crack-in-the-marble​) first met. Written over Discord. 

Darcy written by myself (obviously) Jae written by T (@a-crack-in-the-marble)

Jae-

Jae was annoyed. He had to find a photographer for the shoot he was directing but they were all shit. They all claimed to be fucking visionaries but it was the same old photos of girls with ball gowns and jean jackets… fucking original… Of course he charmed all of the photographers, lead them on. ‘Your portfolio really has that extra something we’re looking for.’… ‘ it’s too early to say but I think you’re the best candidate we’ve interviewed,’... It was all utter bullshit. Jae was fucking with every single last one of them. They were all shit. He walked up and down the street, smiling sweetly at everyone he passed, men and women alike seemed to swoon. It was all very boring. He wanted to get a rise out of someone. He vaguely considered getting drunk right in the street just to see if he could get away with it, but that too was boring… been there done that. He flopped down onto a park bench, sitting on was was unmistakably a portfolio. He opened it without a second thought. Clearly whoever left it was fucking stupid and got what they deserved. He opened the portfolio and started to flip through. He was considering dumping it in the garbage three towns over but the images intrigued him. Fire. Lots of fire. He grinned. This was the kind of photographer he wanted.

Darcy-

He had to leave quickly. Too quickly. He supposed the police didn’t like that he was setting fire to things in the park, pouring gas on statues, and water fountains and setting them ablaze. They made for beautiful pictures however, and Darcy truly and honestly couldn’t help himself. He had circled the park twice in search of his perfect models, and took over twenty polaroids before he had to flee. Unfortunately, his little black portfolio had been left on a bench. Darcy was annoyed if anything, and had to wait for the police to clear out before he could go retrieve it.

Darcy had this thing for fire. Thing being a light term, it was more of a complete obsession. It was clear with the hundred or so pictures in the portfolio. Nothing he passed by wasn’t scorched. It was beauty. It was grace, Darcy loved the look of flames crawling up a wilting creature. There was a quiet judgement about it. He had so much power when he held his zippo in his palm. Like he could control any situation that came to him. It gave him purpose.

The young man was mildly disturbed.

He was well aware. Everyone around him was aware.

It was then, mid thought, that Darcy came back to that bench he had left, horrified that someone had his portfolio in hand. How dare they—

Darcy-

Darcy hummed low in his throat, "Ayo! Asshole!" He snapped, storming up to the stranger, and snatching the portfolio from his hands, "The fuck you doing with this?"

Jae-

Jae looked up, only letting his surprise show in a quick flash before he smiled slowly at the guy standing on front of him. "Hello there," he spoke low and slow, a combination he knew few could resist. "Your work is quite...impressive,".  He drew his gaze up and down the other.

Darcy-

Darcy just scoffs and tucks his work into his bag, sneering in the man's direction, "Yeah, I'd say thanks, but fuck you and your condescending face." He shoves his hands in his pockets, fiddling anxiously with his lighter, "Forget you saw anything."

Jae-

Jae's interest was immediately sparked... someone not so easily charmed. "Which one is it going to be, fuck me and my condescending face... or forget I saw anything?". He stood, shifting his body slightly toward the other guy. "I'm jae." He grinned.

Darcy-

Dark hues narrowed dangerously, fingers flexing around the cool metal of the lighter. He didn't do polite conversation, but neither did this man it seemed. He takes a step away as this stranger, Jae, shifts closer to him, "You're a Grade A piece of shit arent you? You have a real nice smile, but dude your eyes scream asshole..." he pauses, "Darcy--"

Jae-

Jae's eyes widened the tiniest bit. Usually all it took was a smile and his presence and people all but fell at his feet. Hell... sometimes they did fall down to his feet. His smile only grew. He needed this photographer. "Darcy," the name lingered on his lips. "I'd say you have a nice smile too but I haven't had the pleasure... yet."

Darcy-

His lip twitched the slightest bit, but it was just that. A twitch. He just sighs, "Save it." Darcy grumbles, and turns on his heels, worn sneakers carrying him a few steps away from the other, "Next time, don't touch what isn't yours, got it? Learn some Goddamn manners or some shit..."

Jae-

"My manners are impeccable. I could show you over dinner some time..." he blatantly followed Darcy. "Or... you could let me hire you as the photographer for a photo shoot I'm directing tomorrow."

Darcy-

He could hear Jae following him and that alone made his tremble ache slightly. This guy was insufferable, but hell he was persistent. Darcy continues to walk, annoyed, "Why the hell would I wanna do either of those things." He glances toward the street where cops were talking. Fuck. He turns lifting a brow, "You're awful you know that? Do like bugging strangers this much?"

Jae-

"Nope. Only you." He walked shoulder to shoulder with Darcy. "I think I could probably make it worth your while," he winked. Jae actually winked. Normally that would make any fucking normal person throw themselves at him. "I think your particular talents Re what the shoot needs." Jae followed Darcy's eyes to the cops nearby. He smiled slyly.

Darcy-

Darcy notices the wink, "Did a big fly into your re just then?" He almost sounds amused, but doesn't let on that he is mildly interested. He notices that Jae is eyeballing the police and his heart leaps into his throat, "How much does it pay?" Ducking his head a the two officers spot them, "Will you leave me alone if I agree?"

Jae-

"It'll pay however much you want," he shrugged. Like he fucking cared about the money. He just wanted Darcy. Jae caught Darcy avoiding the police officer's' gaze, and smiled wickedly. "I'm unlikely to leave you alone. You've sparked my interest Darcy." Jae walked straight up the two officers. "Hello gentleman. Can we help you?," his smile was sickly sweet.(edited)

Darcy-

Darcy was mildly horrified as Jae brushed passed him and up to the two officers, he couldn't breathe. He turns and immediately grabs ahold of the back of Jae's shirt with a threatening amount of force. He couldn't run though, he just kept close and ducked his head, "Ah yes, we’re looking for an individual who was setting fires in this park.   " they look at Darcy, "Have either of you seen anything?"(edited)

Jae-

Jae felt Darcy grab his shirt and he casually reached his hand back and grabbed hold of the other's hand with an innocent smile. "Setting fires in the park?," he cocked his head to the side with mock concern. "How awful!," he shook his head, playing the part of concerned citizen. The cops ate it up. Fucking idiots. Not even a challenge at this point. "We didn't see anything. We just met up a few moments ago to go have dinner together," he smiled and flicked his eyes to their hands.

Darcy-

Darcy was going to vomit. Seriously. He felt the bile burning in the back of his throat as Jae laced their fingers together in such an innocent fashion. He's rigid as the officers glare down at him. He hated this. Hated every moment of this. His breathing is quick, but he grits his teeth, "Is that right, son? You two just got here? I could have sworn I've seen you around." Darcy curses quietly. "No. Just got here." his answer is clipped and defensive. He was going to get arrested. He knew it.

Jae-

"Oh! you probably have seen him around. I direct a lot of photoshoots for a lot of the local fashion brands...Dee here photographs them for me and i've even convinced him to model a couple times so you've probably seen him in some of the magazine releases," he smiled at the officers. He knew better than to give them Darcy's name and he also knew it was unlikely they knew a fucking thing about fashion. "Now if you don't mind excusing us officers, we're a little late to our dinner reservations," he gave the men one last smile before tugging Darcy along with him down the street.

Darcy-

Dee? Fucking Dee? Absolutely fucking not. What a hideous nickname. Hell, this guy shouldn't even be touching him, and now he was acting like they were fucking. Sure, Darcy understood why he was doing it, but he didn't need to be protected. He had two feet, and he was quick. He could run and get out of town in a flash, but Jae was insisting to get in the middle. The officers just smiled and apologized for keeping them, and Darcy wanted to turn himself in. He'd rather be in jail at this point. He waits until they round the corner before yanking out of Jae's hand, "Fuck you." Darcy snarls, shoving him by the shoulders, "Who the hell do you think you are? Does it look like I need your fuckin' help man? I'm not a charity case, and I sure as shit don't need you protecting me like that."(edited)

Jae-

Jae smirked at the other. "I don't think you need my help...in fact I know that you don't. people who burn shit for fun don't often need help from others." He allowed himself to be shoved a little, starting right into Darcy's eyes. "But isn't it fun to fuck with people who are more weak-willed than us?," the gleam in his eyes was wicked. Darcy was different, he wasn't blind and ready to bend to Jae's every whim. Jae instantly liked this about him.

Darcy-

Darcy huffs, crossing his arms over his chest, palming his lighter as he did so. He constantly had it on him, it was like a child with their favorite teddy bear. It was a comfort mechanism. It was a pacifier. His thumb smooths over the metal, "You're twisted dude..." Darcy is quiet for a moment, "If the offer still stands I'll do that fuckin' shoot tomorrow. I want payment upfront. Cash not Check. I also want lunch." His brow lifts, "That won't be any trouble now will it?" he challenges. He didn't need anyone, that much was true, but Jae was interesting to say the least, so he didn't mind playing along a little. It was very rare for him to want to be around another human being. This was an anomaly.  "Oh, and call me Dee again and I'll make sure to set your car on fire next."

Jae-

Jae's eyes flicked to where Darcy played with the lighter. It was an odd habit, but it seemed to suit Darcy. "Excellent," he smirked. "And to think I was considering letting you off the hook for a dinner... Lunch will do and cash up front is no problem," rising easily to Darcy's challenge. He didn't care how much Darcy wanted. He'd pay it. "Did you want me to give them your real name instead?," he questioned.  "By the way...setting fires in parks?... I think I did you a favor by finding your portfolio before the cops did."

Darcy-

Darcy knew Jae was right. That he could have just given the cops his first name, but didn't. Still. The man before him was sparking a fire in Darcy. It wasn't often that he allowed himself to get this chatty with a stranger. Though, here he was. He heaves a troubled sigh, "Fuck off. I'm not normally not this fucking careless. It's just not my lucky day." Darcy eyes him up and down, "Clearly." The blonde pushes his free hand through his hair, "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then. I wanna get this shit show over with, then we can continue on with our lives."

Jae-

"Maybe it was fate? Ya know 'you're going to meet a tall, handsome stranger', type deal?" Jae met Darcy's eyes as they skimmed him up and down. "Like what you see?," he smirked. "Give me your phone number and i'll text you the address... although I think i'd like your number regardless," he mused, blatantly trying to flirt and charm the other. "you say that now, but i'll bet you'l be begging me to bring you to lunch again after you see me at work."

Darcy-

Darcy wasn't amused by the disgusting display of flirting, and he sure as hell didn't want to give him his phone number. He pulls out a old, shitty flip phone. It had a crack on the left side,a few scorch marks on the back, and it looked like it was ready to completely fall apart. He couldn't afford something nice than this. So, if Jae wanted to call him out on it. So be it. "You can't text me, so just call and keep it quick." he mutters out, scoffing, "You're pretty repulsive. I don't know if I'll be able to keep my food down if I'm honest." Darcy despite all his complaining reads off his phone number.

Jae-

"You wound me Darcy," he said as if the comments had hurt him. He typed the number into his phone smiling to himself. "Id say I grow on people but truthfully I don't normally have to work this hard to charm people." Jae had every intention of continuing though.

Darcy-

"I can see why you'd normally not have a problem, but I've been around people like you. People who can twist and manipulate other with ease..." Darcy pauses, tucking his phone back into his pocket, "I see right through you, Jae. You don't scare me, and you sure as hell don't have me charmed." Though, to be honest, Darcy was actually enjoying himself. Despite how his face might look.

Jae-

Darcy knew just what to say to get under his skin and Jae loved it, loved the challenge of it all. "I'm not trying to scare you... I guess I'll just have to work harder to charm you though," he sighed dramatically.

Darcy-

Darcy's quiet for a long moment, sighing eventually and turning away from Jae. "Right...I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

Jae-

"Looking forward to it," he winked at Darcy again.

Darcy-

Darcy woke up to a phone call and a location. An hour later he was standing awkwardly in the middle of a gaggle of models who stood at least a head taller than him. His blonde hair flicked in the wind, "So, is this a bridal shoot then?" Darcy asks with an annoyed tone. It was all to clean and white. Boring. "Why did you think I'd be a good fit for this?"

Jae

Jae smiled and sauntered up to Darcy as soon as he saw him enter the room.  He shrugged at Darcy's comment. "Not my first choice either, that's why I wanted a photographer who could bring something different to the shoot." He glanced around at the room full of flowers. "Do you think you can handle that?" He smirked, leaning towards the other slightly

Darcy-

He leaned away as Jae came closer, holding his camera with sweaty hands. There were too many people. He didn't think this through. He could have easily blown this off. Why did he even come? "Yeah. I can handle it. Don't worry about it. I know what I'm doing."

Jae-

"Okay then. Let's get started," he flashed Darcy a smile and turned to address the room. Immediately his voice was authoritative but also silky smooth, drawing everyone in. "This is Darcy, he's going to photographing our lovely models." He gestured to the other. He pointed to one of the models, the tallest one with long black hair and wide eyes,"you... I want you on the couch in the middle of the flowers, please dear. He cocked his head a little and grinned, "be good for our new friend here and get some pretty shots." He stood back to watch.

Darcy-

Darcy watched with a stoic face, jaw set and eyes cold, and distant. The models smiled at him, but he could tell they were a little uncomfortable. He got right to work, quietly instructing the model into different poses, but despite the pictures looking gorgeous-- Darcy wasn't feeling it.

Jae-

Jae watched the shoot, allowing Darcy to take control, but something felt off. He needed to stir up some shit to get this moving. He walked up behind Darcy, "mind if I look at the photos?," his voice was polite and lacking his normal confident charm. He wanted to throw Darcy off, he wanted to get a rise from him.

Darcy-

Darcy blinks, startled by the man's appearance behind him, "Go for it..." he moves to flip through the photos on the camera, but for some reason he felt nervous, "Well?"

Jae-

"Hmmm...," Jae stared at the photos. They were good in the technical definition... better than actually, but they weren't what he was looking for, not what he was expecting from the guy who set fires in the park. "I think they're still missing something. What do you think, Dee?" He was trying to piss Darcy off a little. He wanted to see the same spark he saw yesterday.

Darcy-

Darcy physically twitches as Jae spoke, tearing his camera out of the man's sight, and hugging indignantly, "Don't fucking call me that, and what the hell could be missing?" Some of the models were beginning to shy away from the two as Darcy's tone became tight, "I'm working with what I got--"

Jae-

"Dee seems fitting for now. I think Darcy had a lot more fire in him," he practically purred at the other. "My models are the best around," he said it sweetly, but he knew they weren't. Models just had the fucking worst confidence and he really didn't feel like dealing with them. "What do you need to make these photos spark? I'm willing to try anything," his tone suggestive as he smirked at Darcy.

Darcy-

Darcy shoved passed Jae, "Fuck off." He snarls and points at one of the models, directing her to lay back on one of the sofas, and had her fluff the dress to the side. She looked terrified, and he could see a little shine in her eyes, "Good." He snaps, " Move to the left a little. Good. Pout a little." He just wanted to get this over with.

Jae-

He watched closely...these would be better but still not quite what Jae had imagined. He just needed to push the other a tiny bit more. "I wanted more spark, not crying models," he clicked his tongue in mock disapproval. He didn't really care if the models cried or not. He walked right up to the photographer and stood just behind him, whispering so only Darcy would hear him, "Where's the Darcy I met last night...the one ready to burn the whole park down?... that's the Darcy I want," his voice was low a just a little breathy. He was determined to test out all his normal tricks on Darcy, curiously watching for his reaction.

Darcy-

Hearing the voice behind him made his heart jump into his throat, and out of pure adrenaline he spun around and socked Jae right in the mouth. His fist ached, "Why the fuck did you hire me?" Darcy snarled, "Are you fucking with me?" He laughs dryly, shaking his head as he storms away. Without a second thought his lighter was out. If he wanted passion and fire...Darcy would give him fire. The flame licked the flowers, and spread quick.

Jae-

People immediately ran to jae and he waved them off. His hand rubbed against his jaw but he couldn't help but smile. that had certainly never happened before. He couldn't help but be amused. He let Darcy walk off the set, eyes going wide as the flames engulfed the flowers around the model. She started to run but Jae was there in an instant. "Stay. For the love of all things fucking holy, stay. He stepped up to the model, knowing he had a limited about of time before sprinklers went off. "Okay honey, lift your hand up, towards the flame, tuck your legs to the side up on the couch and let the dress hang over the edge. Chin up and slightly away from the fire. Just stare straight ahead. Do that and I'll let you take the diamond earrings home," his voice dripped like  honey. He chased after Darcy. "You're going to want to see this Darcy! Please just come take this shot. One shot. Everything is up and flames and it's calling to you, I know it is." His voice was slightly more urgent, his usual lazy tone gone. This was the shot he needed. Out of fire, Darcy created beauty.

Darcy-

Darcy was shaking. He was heading toward the door, the chaos ensuing behind him making his heart hammer against his chest. He so bad wanted to spin on his toes and watch the entire venue go up in flames, but he knew the police would soon be called, and he had to get out of here. Unless of course, he wanted to be sitting in jail for the next ten years. Which, no, he did not. So, he was out of there. It wasn't until he heard that irritating voice once again, begging, yes, Jae sounded like he was begging him to come take the shot. Darcy was confused, rightly so, but the flames were so pretty. smoke billowed up toward the ceilings, and with one nod he sprinted back over with his camera. He didn't say anything, he just lined up the shot and took a handful of photos of the terrified model. Then, the alarms were going off, and the sprinkler system was set off. Everything was soaked in seconds, Darcy's waterlogged clothes pulling his shoulders down. He was entranced, completely by the sight of the flowers fizzling out. He could feel the tears dripping down his cheeks, and he was just thankful that no one could tell with the sprinklers.

Jae-

Jae watched in awe as Darcy worked. He was entirely different with the flames creeping dangerously all around. He could see it in the way he stood, the way he focused, and in the way his body seemed to mimic the fluid beauty of the flames. It was all incredibly dangerous and mind-bogglingly alluring. Jae stood silent and speechless as the sprinklers drenched them all. People panicked around him, running to protect all the expensive, useless things. Jae walked up to Darcy, keeping his distance for once. He smiled genuinely at Darcy, a rare sight indeed. "That was the spark I was looking for Darcy."

Darcy-

Darcy felt like he was being physically pulled out of his body when Jae spoke, clearly shaken by the events, but he's quick to pull himself together. That is, until he sees that smile. It wasn't like before. It wasn't that look that made Darcy want to drown the man in the nearest bathtub, no, the smile was — Nice. It made his skin crawl. "Fuck you..." but this time, there was no malice in those words. No, instead, Darcy tips his head back letting the water wash over his flushed face, and he laughed. He just couldn't help himself. Who in their right mind would encourage Darcy's behaviour? Clearly Jae had a few screws loose. He liked that.

Jae-

Jae could do little but stare as Darcy's head tilted back, chin high in the air. The other's laugh sent shivers up his spine, the sound intoxicating. He barely registered the water running off his own face. Everything about Darcy was different, he didn't fit any mold that Jae had cataloged in his brain. He didn't respond to his presence like everyone else around him did, and he wanted more of Darcy's biting remarks. He was bored with people, they never could keep up with him, but Darcy clearly could. Soon the flames were extinguished and people were looking to him for guidance. He looked at one of his assistants stating flatly, and without his usual charm, "fucking handle it." He turned to Darcy, "Lunch?," he asked softly.

[mfmagazine]

Derby

Article by Justin Ross

“Isaac, you’re hat looks really good,” Derby vocals/guitarist Nat Johnson quips into my Pearlcorder S710. “I love the people that, um, when speaking publicly, have to talk into whatever device is picking up sound,” drummer Isaac Frost retorts, mouth close enough to the mic to create a buzz in the recording. We’re sitting in a pub in Portland, Oregon, discussing the new album over a few drinks, and Derby certainly is creating a buzz. With the release of their debut album “This Is The New You,” the band has achieved something special. Sunny guitar licks reminiscent of The Beatles and Elliot Smith, cascading rhythms, and sweeping, wistful vocal harmonies, this is the type of music that you would feel fresh starting the morning to. Which makes sense, seeing as how guitarist Dave Gullick is a self-acclaimed “morning person.” “I would wake up in the morning, and I’d work on different songs before heading off to work. I’m definitely a morning person, for sure. I make coffee and just get geeked out on that and Nat would come in at night and just go make stuff, change things up and say ‘Hey try this out.’ I don’t really like working at night.” Derby, comprised of Dave Gullick (vocals/guitar/Rhodes/organ), Nat Johnson (lead vocals/guitar), Isaac Frost (drums), and recently acquired bassist Wayne Miller (who could not make the interview), have an easy going camaraderie integral to the cohesiveness of their sound, which seems rare for a band. Their manager Barbara Mitchell (who’s worked with such bands as The Posies and Death Cab For Cutie) had this to say: “[This band] has a way of integrating things that a lot of bands never figure out how to do. They write these absolutely great pop songs that have weighty lyrical vocals, but there’s no whiplash involved. They have it figured out in a way that I’ve rarely seen in other artists, in terms of internal dynamics and how everything flows together. They’re just so grounded. With the combination of talent and personality colliding where they trust each other enough and not feel threatened or competitive, it makes my job easier. I’ve been working in music for, well, way too long, and I’ve never been as excited about working with a band, even in the early Death Cab days. I think they’re more grounded and have a better sense of what they want to do, what they want to accomplish, and how they want to communicate things. I really feel so lucky, and I’m not just saying that because the tape is rolling.” Naturally, I was curious, as to how they met and when they formed. Nat: Dave and I started this as an acoustic act about three years ago. When we say we started, it was Dave and I with a bunch of our songs, playing a few coffee shops and little shows here and there. I consider our first show as our actual start date, because it wasn’t something that happened as an accident, we were like “this is what we want to do, but we’ve got to start somewhere.” Really, as we know it, as it appears on an album, Derby has been alive for two years. It [started] as a three piece. We didn’t have a bass player or anything like that. We would just do our thing, whether it was a regular rock show, or a glorified acoustic version. Legitimate Derby began at the beginning of this year. January 1st Wayne joined us, and we released the album in February. It’s funny when people come up to the stage and say “Oh you guys are this, that, I really enjoyed the show, how long have you guys been playing for?” and that seems to be one of the most common questions we field at the end of a show, and I like saying “Oh, what’s the date? It’s June? Oh, well, six months and twenty-six days.” Dave: I actually met Nat freshman year in the dorms. We just became friends with similar tastes in music. Actually, after college, we finally started playing seriously. Isaac: I was going to Oregon State, and I was playing with a band down there, and (Nat and Dave) did a show down there and I thought “Man, these guys fucking rock.” Then they came back, and we did another show with them, and they had a drummer, and they were playing electric. Was that the first time you guys ever played electric on stage? Nat: Yeah, that was the first time, and I was like “Holy shit, volume!” Isaac: I was like “Oh sweet, they got a drummer,” and I started talking to them after the show and they were like “Oh, he’s not actually our drummer, he’s our bassist.” Nat: Bruce never actually played bass with us, that’s the funny thing. Isaac: Yeah, I had just graduated and moved up here, and started playing with them. It just felt right. It wasn’t like it was an audition; it just evolved into “Do you want to do a show with us?” And I was like “Yeah, I’d love to play with you guys,” So we kept playing shows, and well, I think I’m the integral drummer. Nat: (laughing) Yeah, we haven’t given him the gold stamp yet. The first show you played with us was awful. Not that you were awful, but we were just, well it was just great to have a drummer, who’s a really good guy, which is important to us, because, from the beginning, Dave and I were playing rock and roll with just total assholes, and like, wow, a guy that was pretty straight up, and he liked what we were doing. It’s not like he was all (Nat affects his best too-cool hipster sneer) “I play drums. What do you play?” He was really interested in our music. How would you describe your songwriting process? Nat: That involves, in a positive sense, defined individual roles, in every facet, like business, music, whatever. But I think the initial conception, 90% of the time, comes from Dave. So Dave’s the man, huh? Dave: No, no, no. The cool thing is that we come up with songs or ideas that have completely different vibes, and Nat just helps me hash out songs. It’s truly at a point where I can bring something to the table, and Nat just helps me mold it. Nat: We have a little Derby music pressing factory. It goes: Dave starts with a loosely created idea, and brings it to me. My mind works in a more analytical sense of thinking big about how we could put 8000 parts together and structure it. Which is nice, because we don’t try to step on each other’s toes, I just try to do my job and he does his. So he pushes this idea through me, I process it, and spit it out and say “Alright, band. Let’s see what we can do with it.” Isaac usually steps in around Phase 3 of the process, and we start hashing out the drums together. It’s not like one person has the right idea. We want to make the song that sounds the best to all of us. So it’s more of a democracy? Nat: It is. Everyone has veto power. Isaac: Yeah, we’ll get together as a group, and start playing, and maybe Wayne or I will say “Hey why don’t we try it this way, maybe it’ll sound better.” So it’s not like we’re sitting there having to do what they tell us we have to do. Nat: Yeah, I can play drums, but I’m not a drummer. I can perceive what it’s supposed to sound like, and its close, but when Isaac actually does it, we’re like “That’s it.” Dave: The cool thing is that we’re coming together and the dynamic’s getting tighter. It’s really positive. I was going to note on that. You guys have these sunny melodies that stand in stark contrast to this overcast, rain-filled city Bush Sr. once tagged as “Little Beirut.” I guess it seems to me it would be easier to be negative and pessimistic living in this environment. What keeps you guys grounded? Nat: I think when we play music, it’s really fun, and that fuels itself. Even if we’re sitting alone and depressed and writing something with more of a somber topic, well, we’ve yet to write the ultimate heartbroken “I just got shit on destroyed” song, but it’s really about the music for us. I think the music itself allows things to be a little bit sunnier. We set it up in a situation where we live in a house together, and it wasn’t “Alright, boys, pressure’s on, you got twenty hours in the studio to be creative, now, be creative.” We, together, felt, “wait, I feel something, I’m going to go down in the studio now and work on something. It was something very organic and cohesive with us. It was a vision we all created together. I think it’s a good one. It’s optimistic, almost a wide-eyed, wake-up feel-good sound, but not in a naïve way and I think that’s refreshing. Nat: Yeah, part of it is, none of these songs, and hopefully never, will we write a song because it’s what we think someone else wants to hear. In that sense it keeps that sense of honesty where we’re not pretending to be something we’re not. I mean, I write the songs I want to hear, and play the songs we want to hear, and I think if we stick with that, we’ll be fine. A lot of people, as we’ve learned over the last couple of years, obviously don’t realize that they just need to be themselves, and it will be okay. It would come out the way it should. What do you guys think of the Portland scene in general? Dave: There’s so much going on. We know a lot of the bands in Portland, but there’s so many out there where people are like “Have you heard of so-and-so?” and it’s like “No, we’ve never heard of them.” I think that’s great. Nat: But the quality is insane. We go out, and we play other towns, and we get good shows, hear about the bigger bands, and its like “Alright.” Maybe it’s because we live here and have access, but there’s so much good music in this town. And it’s not a joke that every single person plays guitar in Portland, or some instrument. Everybody, everybody plays music. It’s like, you go over on the East Side, and it’s like “Oh, which band are you in?” Everyone plays music, and therefore, you’re going to see some good stuff. This town accepts music, and the crowds are cool. I don’t know, I think we all feel it. We haven’t moved. It feels right here. 

[norman-reedus-gossip]

Last Bulk and its a long one

~~mod~~ everything else concerning this topic will be kicked to the modblog. ill try to add to the comments today. i feel like i got ran over so i may not be on at all. sorry for slacking on you and for probably being a world class asshole today. please keep it medium.

Anon: What kind of woman ALLOWS “her boyfriend” to make her hideout so she’s not seen with him? What kind of man DOES that? Be happy for them all you want. I think they look and act like morons. As “adorable ” as people think he is , he seems lately like a total douchebag. Good thing all the fucking booze he consumes gives him the balls to “allow” her be photographed with him. And how fucking desperate does one have to be to let themselves be treated like that? Typical Hollywood. I give this a week.

Anon:Okay, NOW do you think he will make an announcement on Jimmy Fallon about DK? Or that Jimmy will mention it? ~~mod~~  dont know dont care. as long as we get some couch action im good.

Anon:No new stories talk about the trip to italy right before dk dumped pacey. They dont talk about how long nr knew pacey before sky. Wonder how much that cost

Anon:I’m so sad mod….. 😢 Twd’s cast are finally coming to my country and i thinks that is very hard for they bring Norman because he is very expensive…. I mean, Norman is so rich, why he charge that much??! 😢😢 (Sorry for the english) ~~mod~~ aww maybe its not the money but more if he has time. where are they coming? you english is awesome

ahauntedfool: My two cents. I feel badly for disappointed fans who have invested so much time, energy, and possibly even money, on their beloved celebrity, only to see him acting in a way they do not agree with. That must be very hard for them. Maybe I can offer some hope and positivity?I believe no two relationships are alike, and none are black and white. Who really knows everything about their relationship besides them? But it does seem like they are together, and if that is the case I hope they make each other happy. I truly mean that. Love is not something we can plan for, but life is short and happiness is everything. I am still a fan of N, I enjoy many of his films and photographs, his charisma is pleasing, he makes me laugh and he makes me smile. There are some things I don’t like about him, but that’s how it is with people. We are all complex and flawed individuals, and in our imperfections there is beauty. I don’t know much about D yet, but I think I’ll check out her work, watch a few of her films and read some interviews. Maybe I’ll learn something about her that inspires me in some way. With that being said, I think they are an attractive couple, and I love seeing him smile like that. They appear happy in those photos and I hope they are. Maybe this relationship will be good for both of them. Oftentimes we learn from our partners how to be better people.

Anon: Wait for the other shoe to drop on fallon, the baby shoe, lol. He has an extra 0 on his paycheck now, so dk can stay in ny and give up her career while nk goes to ga and cons to keep her in designer duds and pap shots shopping and fashion shows. She can laugh with jdms wife about ppl who pay $$$$ to wait in line for a pic, and we get crappy cgi on twd ~~mod~~ come on the deer really wasnt that bad, if you squint it almost looked real

awesomebrokenheartuniverse: What the fucking fuck??? This is beyond baffling.  The public make out session.  Even as a teenager I didn’t make out on the street for 30 min.  They clearly wanted to be seen.  Have we been fooled by NR with some fake persona all these years?  Has he drastically changed due to DKs influence?  Is he whipped?  Is he tired of keeping it a secret and overjoyed to let it all hang out?  Does she have dirt on him and forcing this on him (sounds crazy but ya never know)? Is this a juvenile shit show for publicity to benefit both of them?  So many questions!  Maybe it’s not our business but when they flaunt themselves like this they are kinda asking for it.  This is like reality show in your face over the top attention whoring.  I feel embarrassed for them.  At least she is age appropriate. I don’t know a lot about DK, but the opinions here are largely unfavorable.  JJ seems like a decent guy.  Why would he stick with her 10 yrs if she’s such bad news?   I keep remembering a quote from AL where he said something like “the longer I know N, the more he is an enigma.”  NR seems totally all over the place to me right now.      

Anon: There’s a video of them kissing now. ~~mod~~ ok

Anon: Hey mod! Sorry to keep adding to this but I’m SO aggravated. Now she’s acting like CS posting pics from his apartment. An her fans are saying to stop bringing up Norman an respect her privacy to people. She doesn’t want privacy! Hence the photo! An the photos taken of them on the street the other night for a hour. If I’m w/ my bf I dont stop and post on SM things from his house. She wants everyone to know she finally got Norman. When will this “relationship” end 😭 personally he deserves better

Anon: Why would Norman be so open about his relationship? This PDA doesn’t fit to him, he never showed so much of his relationship, making out on the street, like in the video it looks like they were making a show. They just stood in the same street walked around kissed hugged just to make a show for the pap, my guess they called him, don’t know why

Anon: Re: the “lie.” Doesn’t it look like Norman’s reps said “friends” because of JJ? Timeline: Pic of Norman and DK at the car looking friendly with story about vacation. Rep said “friends.” Weeks later: picture of JJ kissing and snuggling with another woman at a restaurant. Stories: He’s moved on!! Two - three days later, Norman/DK are completely public. The “lie” was so JJ could say he moved on first. It had nothing to do with manipulating Norman’s fans. Anon: Daily mail has just released an article on NR and DK confirming their relationship and they’ve got a few new pics in there and in one of them NR is looking directly at the camera. I guess we know for sure it was planned and a bit staged now.

Anon: Mod - this was an absolute publicity stunt but I don’t understand why. It makes him look like the biggest possible lying fake asshole alive so why would he want that image? I’m secretly hoping this is some kind of early April Fools day joke.

Anon: Mod when do you think NR and DK became more than just friends? ~~ mod~~ would you be offended if i said i have no idea becasue i dont care enough about them as a couple to even guess. sorry if i sound like a jerk im still not feeling well

Anon: I hope Norman doesn’t think we’re just going to “get over it”? It doesn’t work that way. There is a difference between lying about who you ARE and just simply having a girlfriend. (I won’t even go into how fake SHE is) You Lied to the people that supported you Norman. This isn’t just jealous fangirls. This doesn’t just go away in a few weeks.~~mod~~ im sure he knows it isnt just gonna go away in a few days

Anon: Woke up today with tears in my eyes. Every day I used to go check out all he cool Norman/Daryl fan art on instagram. Now I can’t even look at him.~~mod~~ dont cry anon we can find you someone else to look at.

Jan: Listen up To those deeply upset and disturbed by Norman’s recent actions, please read this - Nothing in your life has actually changes NOTHING! You still breath the same air, work at the same place, hang with the same friends and are surrounded by people that love and care about you in REAL LIFE. You have never, nor will you ever, know the real man behind Norman Reeds and thats probably for the best. All that has happened is that the fantasy you have of him in your head is altered, but you have the power and control to change that narrative back at any point, back to thinking he is kind and sweet and honourable and all the other things that gave you comfort and joy, use him for whatever purpose you want - because I have news for you as a fan/consumer of his brand he is just USING you. He is clever, he will smile and be nice as pie if you are paying for his time, (he is a professional actor), what he is actually like once the show is over, behind closed doors, is probably a very different story that really would shock and upset you. He is part of an ugly dark industry and his values are probably way off the mark to what any of us would consider acceptable. The clues are all around us, the fake hollywood friends he has, the partying showbiz life he leads, his love of attention and the limelight, the blind after blind about his shitty behaviour. It does upset me to see people defending him with the best of intentions, when they have no clue that he doesn’t deserve defending, he is surrounded by wealth and privilege and I highly doubt he cares one bit what faceless avatars on the internet say about him when he is home surrounded by his millions of dollars and fake narcissistic hollywood friends. Me, I love Daryl and I will always love Daryl, he is a real sweetheart and the subject of many a fantasy, Norman not so much, I could never fantasise about someone like him -a shallow and highly privileged actor who can have any beautiful woman he desires at the drop of a hat, and knows it. His priorities are clearly material things, this set up relationship with DK that will be played out in the public eye will just be linked to and part of that agenda in some weird way…(I do have my theories as to why he is so keen to play along with it, but best kept to myself) So seriously people go back to your Daryl (or nice sweet Norman) fantasises… Whatever helps you sleep at night…

Anon: You know what’s even worse than finding out he’s a lying sneaking jerk? That he let her troll his fandom for the whole year. He let us try to defend him the whole time when it was all true. It just shows that his fans don’t really mean anything to him. He didn’t care that she was playing with us and mocking us. It’s just so unbelievable that he is the complete opposite of what he made us believe.

Anon: sorry but I feel betrayed. And before I get jumped on it’s not jealousy or that he can’t have a private life, it’s about thinking one thing about Norman and admiring that person for so long then suddenly finding out that it was all a lie. He made us think that he was our friend but he’s not. he’s laughing at us behind the scenes watching how we buy into the image that he made us think was the real him. it’s not him now. he’s a phony. anyone want walker stalker tickets? don’t want to meet him now ~~mod~~ no need to be sorry anon lots of people are feeling all kinds of way right now. i hear craiglist is a great place to sell those

Anon: God Mod it just breaks my heart to see how fake he looks. Allowing himself to be papped is something I never thought he would do. I admired Norman for being down to earth and real. Where is that man now? He’s gone. He sold out. He’s not who he claims to be. Honest? Lol nope. So this is the real Norman we have been tricked into supporting? He looks just as fake as we know she is. It’s so sad and disheartening and I never thought it would happen to him. He’s just like all the rest. :( So sad.

Anon: Wonder how this will work when he starts filming in May will she go to Georgia she doesn’t seem the country girl

Anon: Mod why do think NR’s reps have the statements that they were “just friends” 3 weeks ago only for them to walk done the street holding hands and kissing now? Do you think NR’s reps didn’t know about the relationship? Or he didn’t consult with them before going public? Or do you think it was all planned? I’m just really confused about the whole thing!

Anon: Sorry…this is a long one… People seem to focus on others being upset because he lied.  But I think a lot of people are upset for 2 main reasons.  One, they really don’t like DK.  It is hard to swallow watching someone you like, date someone you hate.  I had a good guy friend date a girl that the rest of us LOATHED.  She was just a horrible person and we were all so disappointed when he started dating her.  When we asked him why, he just replied, “well, she is not like that towards me”.  Um..ok…so since she’s “nice” to you, it’s ok that she is a a-hole to everyone else?  It lasted all of 4 months, but I just remember we were all so disgusted.  So, anyway, I think that plays a big part in the fan hate.  Fans love Norman and think he is wonderful/nice/kind/good to his friends and fans and they can’t understand how he could fall for someone who is the opposite of all those things.  The second reason is the cheating.  Let’s face it, this didn’t start AFTER she split from JJ.  We would be naive to believe that.  Personally, I think it started during the filming of SKY.  They are together constantly, in the middle of nowhere, I am sure they got very close.  Even if there was nothing physical, they could have been having an emotional affair…which is often worse than physical.  Although we can argue that with his schedule and her being with JJ, they didn’t actually see each other a lot after filming SKY was over, they still could have been texting and calling, thereby continuing the connection and closeness that was formed during filming.  Looking back, I can’t help but wonder if someone DID see them hooking up in a NYC bar (before the break-up with JJ).  If they did in fact have an emotional connection, add a lot of alcohol to that and you can definitely lose control for a minute.  Obviously, this is my own speculation, but no matter when the physical aspect of their relationship developed, I truly believe, the affair started long before it.  As for the people talking about a possible pregnancy.  I can see it.  Even though Norman is pushing 50 and may not want a baby, as some people pointed out, it may not be up to him.  There are many ways for a woman to “accidentally” get pregnant.  Someone, I think it was PR wife, mentioned that DK’s star faded long ago.  She is definitely someone who will do anything to bring attention to herself.  Well, having NR’s baby would certainly bring the spot light.  It may be far fetched but I think DK is really sketchy and I would not put it past her.  I guess only time will tell if there is a baby as well as how long this thing will last.  We shall see…

Anon:I gave a heads up months ago that Diane had a plan and that she and Norman were playing out a fantasy as if they were living their film “Sky”. Health issues included. But guess what comes next (not the end) ;)

Stephanie Kumke: Maybe it´s not DK in the photo, but come on, a naked bully with lights on it with the message “ Waking  up to good News”… ~~mod~~ maybe she got a job that wasnt in Europe

Anon: Ya’ll need to be realistic. Daryl isn’t the cash cow of TWD anymore. Not sure if no one sees this but the ratings last week dropped. Why weren’t they higher? I mean Daryl was in it a lot yet they weren’t as good as the week before. I’ve noticed whenever Carol and the Kingdom are on the ratings go up. Seems like she’s more of a cash cow now. She makes more viewers tune in. So I really don’t get when people say Daryl is the No 1 cash cow. It’s not true. It may have been years back, but not anymore

Anon: It disgusts the shit out of me when I see people support their relationship and are happy and even say DK is gorgeous. Wtf NOTHING on this woman is gorgeous. She’s manipulative, attention whore and snobby. I can’t believe his fans (not all of them) support her. She’s the worst nightmare. Norman went down to her level. She is unsympathetic to fans, Norman clearly isn’t the man he claimed to be. Not sure if I’m more disappointed or disgusted because he played all of us the whole time for his image

Anon: I think some people are not getting it…NR didnt own anyone anything but he was not coherent and yeah he deceived and lied when he said he doesn’t like cheaters and loves honest people. Regardless of course he have the right to date who the fuck he wants. not my problem. now the way he did it, for someone that calls himself honest is very questionable when you can see CLEARLY how this pics were staged. When you stage pics like that and you claimed for years being the opposite of course  people are going to question who you are and who was the person they have been a fan off all this years. People defended him exactly from this behavior. People defended him when people called him sell out and asshole and manwhore and honestly he just proves the others right. This have nothing to do with DK this have to do with him as a person and how he carries himself. He didnt assume her before because he was sticking his dick somewhere else too and the other kick him to the curb.

dandelioncherokee : Interesting. Norman and Diane are not looking AT EACH OTHER in one single picture. A loving couple would do that ALL THE TIME. One word. FAKE. I honestly haven’t got a clue WHY ALL THIS. Oh Norman,you had it going all good for you.Now I can only pray that the universe will give you another chance,so you can try to fix this. Kisses to you,mod ❤️hope you are alright.~~mod~~ i feel like i got kicked down 10 flights of stairs.. you flirting makes me feel better

Anon: I was just thinking about the happy anniversary post and the ‘comment’. Turns out the DK part of that was true and it makes me wonder how many of the other parts were also true. Maya Angelo said when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Eyes opened, I get it now and I’m just here for wicked gifs, and weird banter. Good things always come from bad, you’re the good thing Mod.

Anon: Pic look good, his fans on ig congrat to him so lol. Congrat to him too. We know here it so far from jealous but it is about who is this guy. Why he won’t hint their relationship at all.jdm said I think he’s single. So he happy it’s foiod but it different story from why he lid like liar, completely behave another and then be another man. And I didn’t see any pic that he look at her face. He smile to ppl. Wake up idiot fans! ~~mod~~ Please dont call fans idiots we all have our opinion

Anon: Another blog says they KNOW that Norman and DK were a thing since Sky. They supposedly have a source but won’t reveal it, they’re also saying no one knows if cheating was involved because no one knows the status of DK and JJ’ relationship. DK moved to NYC in late 2015 to be with JJ AFTER sky was finished. They bought a home together in LA in early 2016. So if her “source” is correct than yes, they were cheating all along, which makes the dec 2015 rumor seem not so false. They’re disgusting

Anon: Who knows…Maybe they both have an agreement? Maybe he agreed to help her with her image by doing this. He may think what’s the harm in helping a friend?? I am soooooo not on her side…I’m just trying to ration it out. Unfortunately we may never know. I still haven’t seen pics of them full on kissing. That one pic where they’re close looks like he was lighting a smoke. Hand holding? Even friends do that. He seemed pretty drunk anyway. Ugh and her IG? Tries to be like N & HC. UMM no.

Anon: Thinking if the 2 of them together makes me so ill but hey…He’s a big boy. I’ve been going thru the stages of grief (as stupid as that may sound) and I don’t regret smashing my DVD copy of Sky! Didn’t much like it anyway lol now I’m past the anger and just sad. I’m not as mad at N as I was a few days ago but I still think DK is a snake. I hope that he guards his heart from her nasty ways! I also think the whole thing with the paps is strange. N is very impulsive and sometimes too too nice!

Anon:Hahaha I share the same first name as DK, so at least I know when Norman is having sex he is screaming my name. Seriously tho at least she is age appropriate and who cares anyway. You are a fan of his work or not no matter who he is boning.

Anon:Is it me or is Norman avoiding liking DK IG posts? I believe he may have been drunk that night and is regretting what he did

rebellacycle:Are you going to watch jimmy Fallon tonight ? Wonder if he will talk about the new relationship. Or just TWD~~mod~~ i will probaly be asleep. probaly just talk about he twd

Anon:

Norman and Diane are happy and in love so the haters have already lost ✌🏼

Anon:

I have a question for those fans who keep saying things like “Be respectful of Norman’s private life!”…. But they’re the ones who are (unnecessarily!) publicizing it. They staged and sold pics and video. In PDA, the P doesn’t stand for Private. If they are not respecting their own relationship, why should we? Also is talking about Norman’s penis size respecting his privacy? So what exactly do y'all mean? They don’t seem to want that. They want people to talk, comment, click the links.

Anon

:Feel better soon Mod! I don’t understand something about the whole DK Shitshow. If this is legit (and not just publicity) then how come no other gossip sites are picking it up??? TMZ doesn’t have anything to say about it after they just ran the garage pics/got his denial?? It looks like People ENews DM UsWeekly and a few less known sites are the only ones going with it, so how come??? I don’t get it! I don’t understand how Norman can be one thing one day and the TOTAL OPPOSITE the next!??! WTAF

Anon: The photos and the video of NR and DK … Looking at it I just feel DK is walking with his trophy. She wants everybody to see her new toy, her little puppy that she will manipulate as she pleases. DK wants everyone to see his new trophy !! While NR smiles like a fool who does not understand the situation. Yes he became the DK puppet

anon:

I appreciate this blog and your work, but you have to moderate some comments that appear on your site. I read comments accusing Norman of lust after teenage girls. This is defamation and it is very serious. It is unbearable to see all this hate and these lies dumped on an actor we have supposed to love. It is all the more intolerable that currently the world is experiencing serious problems. Thousands of people are dying of hunger, London and Paris are the target of terrorists, but some people prefer to waste their time to dumped their hate on Norman. Treat him as if he was a criminal just because he’s in love and he lied because he didn’t want to reveal his private life in the press.I doubt that you post this message on your blog but I needed to say. Many of us live very difficult moments and see all this hate for a simple relationship is ridiculous. Some may express their disappointment but have no right to invent lies and spill their hatred. Sorry for my aproximative English, I hope to find a warm and funny blog. Good luck to you Mod….

~~mod~~ just a few things. 1.tumblr rarely lets me delete comments, the tumblr app hates me…2. the quickest way to get your post deleted is to say “you probaly wont post this”.. i hate that.

Anon:Hope you feel better soon mod. This is for when you do the bulk: at this point I think I’d be happier finding out he did accidentally get her pregnant one drunken night but actually can’t stand her and did this for appearances only and they aren’t really a thing. At least that way he would be the same guy who just made one huge mistake while intoxicated. One night stands happen all the time. But being with her?? it changes everything about him and it makes him a liar.

Anon:

been two days I haven’t looked at anything to do with N and I still can’t get over this. He’s a complete fake. short of telling us he was abducted by aliens and this was an imposter in his body I will never understand. ’s like he just revealed that he is the opposite of everything he made people believe for the past seven years. Liar. Fake. Hollywood. Stupid. Ingenuine. That’s what this makes him look like now. It makes me want to cry. someone say it was all a nightmare. where’s the real norman

Anon

:Happy Today, Mod! I hope your body parts will all in good working order soon. Please take care of yourself. The drama of Norman Reedus means nothing in the long run. Kind people like you who take the time to create community are what matters!

Anon:If DK’s marrage broke down because she cheating then norman gotta run far and fast, they cheat WITH you they cheat ON you. You should look at enty and type in Norman reedus/Diane Kruger this shit been stirring for a while Anon:Will Jimmy Fallon grill Norman about DK? ~~mod~~ dont know

Anon

:Have you seen the pap walk pics & videos?? Omg I’ll swear DK slipped a Mickey Finn in Norman’s whiskey. For him to agree to call the paps on himself, something was totally wrong with him! I don’t recognize that Norman. DK is destructive & opportunistic. She manipulated her way into his life from day one when she recommended him for the SKY role. She is as TOXIC as they come! Wtf’s he doing with her? He’s in self-destructive mode, I pray he comes to his senses in Ga surrounded by good ppl.

Anon:Diane manipulates the media and manipulates Norman. An avid woman who likes to manipulate her little world. How can people defend it? I saw her in truth, she behaves like a haughty princess.

Anon:I no longer see goodness in Norman.

Anon

:Just canceled my trip to San Fran wsc. I was gonna meet him but I can’t even look at him nevermind meet him. How are we supposed to pretend he’s the same guy? He’s NOT what he told us he was! It’s NOT bc of a gf but 1) that it’s HER of all ppl (she is the epitome of famewhore sell out and no one I’ve talked to who met her have ANYTHING nice to say) and 2) He LIED about everything. He’s not any of the things we thought, made his reps look stupid and sold out to let himself be papped. WTF is that

anon

: Personally I’m wondering if she got him drunk, got him to agree to this to make the rumors look true, and that he was too wasted to care. This is NOT the guy we know and love. This is also coming from a mutual friend of his not just some fan. he never calls the media, like TMZ on himself. He’s a private, fairly normal dude, and that’s why I think DK set it up. To boost her American publicity and get noticed for work here. Sad, sick, and sketchy.

Anon: I’m definitely over reading about it Mod but I don’t understand how anything is gonna go back to the way it was anyway so I vote to keep it on the main blog. He’s a lying jerk and this is what we have to see now every day because how can we not if he’s seriously with her. I think I’m gonna have to quit being his fan altogether bc I can’t take her I don’t want to see her ridiculous face every single time he goes anywhere ~~mod~~ here the  thing its an N blog, i dont have to post anything with her in it. im really good at cropping things out of pics.

[anythingstephenking]

We All Float On

First of all, 2017 can go suck a bag of balls. I know the saying is “suck a bag of dicks” but that’s too kind to 2017. The world is on fire (literally and figuratively), men are all dirtbags, we’re a tweet away from nuclear war, credible journalists are fake news and Hillary Clinton is not likable enough for politics but a serial child molester will be elected to the senate and a disgusting pervert sociopath is our president. Seems like the kinda year Pennywise would decide to show up. I’m staying away from Maine just to be safe.

Ok, well that rant has literally nothing to do with Stephen King, but it sure felt good to get off my chest.

Because there’s enough terror in the real world, I haven’t been reading that much and I took my time getting through IT. Not because I wasn’t enjoying it, but because this book covers some heavy stuff. Most often remembered for the god awful spider puppet at the end of the TV movie, the book ingrains fear inside you that sits for days, giving you goosebumps when you recall a passage you just can’t shake. For me it was when one of the kids was being terrorized by visions of drowning in the water tower, grasping at the smooth sides, the top just out of reach. As someone who’s parents let my awkward ass do ballet classes as a kid but never taught me to swim, drowning is one of my own personal nightmares. And now, I am scared of water towers. Also, RIP Elisa Lam.

Reading this book ending up requiring two copies. You can imagine my joy when I pulled my McKays copy off the shelf and realized it was a first edition. LOOK AT ME, I OWN A FIRST EDITION STEPHEN KING BOOK. I’m, like, a real fan now. I quickly googled to see how much my rare book was worth as I paid $13.50 for it. And, guess what? It’s worth… $13.50. Doh. Viking printed 800,000 of these bad boys, their largest ever first run. I managed to leave it at my dads (I lugged this 1,200 page book on not one but two plane trips) so I had to pick up a paperback to finish out the last 400 pages or so. I instructed my dad to “take good care of it, it’s a first edition!” (I am such a dick) and a week later it was in my mailbox, wrapped in about 8 layers of bubble wrap. My dad, y’all.

A book so nice, I bought it twice.

OK. My favorite part :::drumroll::: the back story! You can read the whole story on King’s website, but basically IT was inspired by the old tale of Billy Goat Gruff crossing the bridge and getting into it with the troll. What if there was a monster below us we couldn’t see but was just waiting to jump out at us? And so, Pennywise The Dancing Clown was born (or arrived on a spaceship, more on that later).

This book hits literally all King’s sweet spots:

Scary as hell

Coming of age

50s nostalgia

Battles of good vs. evil

MAINE!

Sci-fi/fantasy

The core of this story is simple - an eternal being in the form of a clown terrorizes kids by feeding on their fears. Pennywise can manifest himself as each child’s individual nightmare - werewolves and lepers and blood, oh my. Turns out kids are easier to prey on because their fears are simple. I guess it would be harder to manifest himself into an unfunded 401k to scare the shit out of me.

The kids in this story are braver than I could ever be. Together, they have the a power that somehow kills fear itself, which is really what Pennywise is.

And this is where the story gets a little bonkers. Not in a terribly bad way but in a “huh?” kinda way. You see, the universe was created when a giant turtle threw up and Pennywise is the ying (evil) to the turtle’s yang (good). Lost yet? Yeah, I know. Pennywise arrived from the birth of the universe and has lived in Derry, Maine forever, waiting for evolution and humans to feed on. He travels into the macroverse, where the turtle resides, along with his “deadlights” that can drive humans insane at the sight of them.

Well, now that we cleared all that up, we can move on. I think it’s safe to assume King was a square in the 50s because like so many of his nostalgia tales, the other bad guys are a gang of greasers who are turds and occasionally give each other hand jobs in the junkyard.

Speaking of child sex acts, the group sex scene sure was… something. It’s up there on the list of controversial things King has written for good reason. Like this Vulture article “How Does the New It Movie Deal With Stephen King’s Orgy Scene?“. Spoiler! It doesn’t because that would be bonkers. King’s brushed it off in interviews as NBD, but I was more baffled about this than a turtle that belched up the universe.

For King lovers, IT is certainly an amalgamation of all his greatest hits. For me, it’s going into the column of books I truly enjoyed with an ending that just didn’t quite land.

King said he wouldn’t write about Pennywise again, which is a shame. If the Losers didn’t really manage to off him (which honestly, how do you kill an eternal being? These ding dongs went back into the sewers as adults with a pack of matches for cripes sake. They didn’t even bring a flashlight, nevermind like a gun or an axe or something.) Pennywise would have come back to Derry in 2012. We will never know.

8/10 would recommend to anyone who saw the first movie and thought the ending was lame. I was much happier with barfing turtle than spider puppet

First Line: The terror - which would not end for another twenty-eight years - if it ever did end - began, so far as I know or can tell, with a boat made from a sheet of newspaper floating down a gutter swollen with rain.

Last Line: Or so Bill Denbrough sometimes thinks on those early mornings after dreaming, when he almost remembers his childhood, and the friends with whom he shared it.

Adaptations

Tim Curry is really the only thing worth revisiting in the original TV movie. Good gosh, this thing is over 2 hours long and they cut so much great source material out. No time for the house on Neibolt Street, but the spider gets the last 15 minutes of the whole thing. Can you tell I really hate that spider?

Exhibit A: Nightmares; Exhibit B: Muppet

Fun personal story about this movie. We watched it one Halloween when we were 14ish with a bunch of girls. One of my friends was terrified of clowns. How we ever got her to watch this is beyond me. Later that night, while she was attempting to go to sleep with every light on, her mom called out to her: “honey, check out the moon, it’s beautiful!” Little did she know, her prankster father had dug a clown mask out of the basement, placed a ladder against the side of the house, and was peering into her second floor bedroom window when she opened the shade to gaze at the moon. So rude but so damn funny.

The new movie was so wonderful and I already pre-ordered my copy for when it comes out next week. Bill Skarsgard. Man, oh man.

And in case you didn’t feel old today - did you know those child actors weren’t even alive yet when 9/11 happened? Yeash.

I’m going to pack it in because everyone’s already seen these movies and my King Movie book I usually reference for these things is in the other room and I don’t feel like getting up. Tata for now. Dark Tower companion book Eyes of the Dragon is up next. Already started it. Fucking Randall Flagg, what an asshole.

[metalhandcunt]

My Rant:

I hate this fucking world.

First, there's this one teacher (let's just call her S) that I FUCKING hate. Why?? It's because S is always wants to make our lives pure HELL.

Second, there's this shitty project our teacher (S) gave us that we have to interview an individual who is a professional. And we have to pick a partner and obviously I picked my friend (K). So we decided that we have to interview K's mom.

I went to her house on Tuesday to interview her mom but her mom said we should do it in Wednesday.

Thursday comes and guess what happened???

IT.WAS.FUCKING.DELAYED.

And she insisted we should do it again in Thursday because she didn't understand the questions. And ofc I was angry bc ffs I was motherfucking tired to go to her house everyday (bc her house is pretty far) just for the project.

But I can't blame her since the question are fucking hard to understand.

When Thursday comes, when I came again to her house and *sighs* ofc it didn't happen again bc she wants it to be in Sunday. And of course, of course *rolls eye*

I WAS FUCKING PISSED AF.

I can tell that she is getting pissed at me for going to her house every.single.day. this week but it was not my fucking fault for always delaying you fucking piece of shit.

So k and I are fucking stressed and pissed at her istg I wanna rip her head off and feed it to sharks.

You see, I tried to be nice to her but it seems like she doesn't even like me.

I think that's because she thinks I'm a..... Bad influence to k but little does she knows k is really a bad influence one.

I don't want to admit it but I can't fucking stand her like if she is getting hit by the bus, I would be the driver lol.

We finished interviewing her mom earlier which is I'm really fucking thankful of. But we were legit scared to the point that i'm going to have an anxiety attack tbh. But in the end it was tiring and good I guess???

Third, I hate this family.

I don't even know how to start damn.. It was pretty messed up and complicated.

I don't want to talk about them atm lol

Fourth, fake friend

God, I just wanted him to not go near or breathe because I felt like I was going to catch a disease jk hahahaha. Let's just call him J.

So I have a crush on him before and when he found out, he humiliated me on our class group chat and said "Hey, @/YourName, if you have a crush on me, i will not going to catch you lol". Those words got my hands cold af and I almost cried and ofc I fucking roasted the fuck out of him and unexpectedly, my classmates sides on me.

I described him as a narcissists, smart but always brags about it *rolls eye*, perfectionist (but in a bad way), has a BIG ego, prideful, fake, obsessive and assuming especially to his crush and it kinda gives me creeps xD.

Even his crush hates his guts and ofc we tried to wake him up to reality but unfortunately, he is getting worst.

And yesterday, he posted an art on our squad gc and then saying he "drew it" on his sketch pad and idk my guts is telling me that I should research it to see if it is truly "his" artwork.

And BOOM, k and I found out that the artwork was not truly his and the artwork was actually on deviantart.

And that's the day I lost my trust on him.

K is asking on gc if anyone has a deviantart and J said nope. And ofc the next day, we exposed the fuck out of him on gc but he said it was just a "prank". I mean who believes this kind of bullshit? Wtf???

And that's for today lol. Sorry if there's so many grammatical errors and for being a shitty writer lolol.

I promise to keep y'all updated, sweet dreams bitches!!!

~Rae

[onestowatch]

Huron John Invites You to Experience the Trauma-Exorcism of ‘cartoon therapy’ [Q&A]

Photo: Chase Denton

In the world of up-and-coming artists, few names generate as much excitement as Huron John. Last year the indie pop prodigy invited listeners into his technicolor world with his debut LP Apocalypse Wow, and this week sees him returning once more with his long-awaited sophomore project, cartoon therapy.

In 2020, Huron John’s debut Apocalypse Wow was met with widespread acclaim with critics praising everything from its production and forward-thinking narrative, to Huron John’s whimsically crafted tracks. Both albums are written, engineered, and produced in their entirety by the Chicago native, but while the former is an explosive display of left-field kaleidoscopic narratives and youthful romance, the latter takes a much more introspective approach to its storytelling.

cartoon therapy sheds Huron John’s youthful exuberance for something that is much more complex, and at times even vulnerable. Tracks like “Arthur” are just as concerned with the euphoria of new romance as they are with the anxiety of growing old and being insecure in the skin that you’re in. Despite its more pensive thematic register, cartoon therapy is a must-listen. The record is filled with 10 high-energy indie pop anthems that will transport your weekly rotation to another world before you can even say “meep.”

Prior to the release of cartoon therapy, I was fortunate enough to pick Huron John’s brain about his newest record. We discussed the past year, his favorite piece of hardware, and everything in-between.

Ones To Watch: It’s been a minute since we last got a full-length project from you. Your debut album, 2020’s Apocalypse Wow, focused on themes of disillusionment and dystopia, which was probably appropriate given how insane last year was. On your newest project cartoon therapy, what themes did you try to focus on?

Huron John: This new album is all about healing. It’s super symbolic to me personally in the sense of, like, I’ve been going through some very dark shit, and finally getting this project out kind of lets me see a light at the end of the tunnel in a way. The album is about accepting the individuality of your own journey, and understanding that life is beautiful even through all of the things that bog us down. It’s about answering questions but not being afraid to pose new ones. The album is truly like a really volatile version of therapy… it’s like 10 fucking tracks back-to-back-to-back with like no space in between (laughs). It’s supposed to be just a whirlwind of getting out what is inside so you can move forward. This thing is like a trauma-exorcism but you’re on the dancefloor or on a bike. 

How do you feel cartoon therapy extends the world you built on Apocalypse Wow? Did you always anticipate the story going this way, or did things change throughout the creative process?

It’s a second half of the “story” of Apocalypse Wow, it completes this like double album-style package. My favorite album of all time is a double album with a loose concept based on the progression from the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep. From Apocalypse Wow to cartoon therapy it’s this concept about a character—who is lowkey based on myself but shhhh (laughs)—who saves the planet from aliens. Then, in CT, he basically befriends the aliens enough so that they give him a time machine. He goes on this crazy-ass adventure throughout time-and-space visiting all the fucked up moments from his life and like gaining peace with them I guess. The connection kind of unraveled as I made the stuff, I suppose. I just wanted it to be a very clear bookend on the introductory chapter of my discography. 

Which track on cartoon therapy was the biggest challenge to make and why? What track are you most proud of?

A track called “Cosmic Opera (Death Is Not The End).” Basically, I had a whole other song called “We’ll Come Out On Top,” it was actually the first beat I made for the record. It’s this really slow, psychedelic like Some Rap Songs style hip-hop shit. My hard drive broke so I lost the original beat, tried for about three weeks to remake it, but it just didn’t work. In the process, a whole new beat “(Cosmic Opera)” was born. I got COVID, strep throat, and a whole bunch of other shit that caused me to have to re-record the vocals like three times. 

How was the creation of cartoon therapy and its creative process different from your last record?

It was beyond fucked. An absolute shit-show. Apocalypse Wow was extremely over-planned (musically), and the process was like so long to make that record. This one I wanted to try a much more rapid-fire like lightning-in-a-bottle approach and make the full album in like three months. That goal was the death of me (laughs). In a nutshell, I made like 15 beats for the whole thing, wrote all the lyrics, recorded all the vocals, then realized I had a faulty microphone so I had to re-record the entire album. It was a nightmare. Then, when I had like four songs left to record, I got COVID, then I lost my voice due to COVID after I recovered, then I found out I had strep throat. A whole bunch of other shit happened but it was the like “I AM FINISHING THIS FUCKING ALBUM IF IT KILLS ME” type shit. Very crazy process. 

It seems like the release of cartoon therapy had a much greater emphasis on visuals than Apocalypse Wow. Was this intentional? 

Oh yeah. It was supposed to really drive home this narrative world, and just expand the whole world of this character Andy—one that spans between the two albums. Two records with a very visual universe, so that was definitely the goal of the whole thing.

How has your understanding of your music and your place in the music industry changed since the release of Apocalypse Wow? How are you feeling about things now?

I honestly don’t know. My relationship with music has changed immensely since I created this record, to rolling it out, to now. I have realized a lot of things that I want to take part in, and a lot of things that I do not. My goal is to get this work in the hands of as many people as I can, specifically physical vinyl copies of the music. This record truly taught me that the sole purpose of life is to impact as many people that you can with creative work. To make their lives better. To comfort people and soundtrack their memories. To play an integral part in their lives as your favorite artists do in yours. Impacting people like that doesn’t happen through sexy selfies on the internet. Does that make sense?

What do you want listeners to take away from cartoon therapy?

It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling right now. Your thoughts are your thoughts and no one can ever take that away from you. No matter what those thoughts are. Life is your movie and you are the main character. Allow your adventure to surprise you.

Every track on the record was produced, written, and engineered by you, which is something that not many artists can claim. As your career grows, do you think you’ll be looking to collaborate more with your peers? And if so, who are some artists you’d love to hop in the studio with?

Yes… I am just starting to experiment with a lot of artists and producers. It is fun. I plan on doing one of those producer albums where it’s just like a million artists hopping on my project. I definitely feel like these first two albums really hammered home the personal and intimate kind of “one-man show” aspect of my music. Now, it’s time to try some other stuff. I want to work with King Krule. 

From your MicroKorg Analog Modeling Synth to your laptop, what’s a piece of hardware you couldn’t live without?

I just bought a real TR-707 drum machine from the ’80s and that thing is my baby!

 What rare interest do you have in something that gets you geeked out? 

I really like traditional Indian music. Also, I have developed an interest in the shortwave analog radio community. 

What’s your plan for the rest of 2021? Is there anything fans can look forward to as summer starts to roll around? 

Yes. I will be releasing the Apocalypse Wow/cartoon therapy double album on vinyl within the next couple of weeks. The inside gatefold is a playable board game, and both discs are colored/see-through. I have a 65-page book that is releasing around that time as well. Full of photos, articles, interviews, and other shit. It will be sweet. I’m also putting out a “deluxe edition” album type of thing in the next couple of weeks. Then, I really want to begin a hibernation-style era of music-making and experimentation.

We’ll be looking forward to that! Finally, who are your ones to watch?

death’s dynamic shroud.wmv, The Frost Children, and  t e l e p a t h テレパシー能力者.

Listen to cartoon therapy below:

[hennythejetsmith]

Window Part Two

To just float, free of captivity, no restraints, just to fly around & taste the myriad of flowers in the world before the last grain of sand drops in their hourglass; it must be nice. Is that the moon still in the sky? It makes sense, probably just an image reflecting off the sun.

           A forlorn sigh came from the moon, unbeknownst to Shawn obviously.

The neighbors seem to be in an excellent mood. I should be too; the only damper is that I must work on this otherwise perfect day. I should turn on some music & take in this weather.

           Reaching into his pocket, he noticed that there was one unread message. An unsaved number he did not recognize, but he assumed his boss changed numbers.

           “Hey, I got a new number last week or so, but can you come in early to help? We’re understaffed & could use your help?”

I don’t have much else to do really. I can use the extra money too. Fuck it. I have all summer.

Shawn found himself now retreating to his home to grab a black shirt & black pair of slacks with dress shoes to match. Not concerned with who sent the message, he ran back out & headed to the closest bus stop. He arrived at the corner of his neighborhood & the main street to find the bus was just pulling up to a red light.

           “Perfect.” He thought.

Shawn felt himself enmeshed with the seat as Summer Madness blasted through his AirPods. The bus ride was about 15 minutes, but he kept Kool & The Gang on repeat, they were a favorite of his. He tipped his hat to the driver as he walked off the bus & stepped into this small diner called Loni’s. It doubled as a restaurant/bar toward the latter part of the evening, reason behind the all black dress code. That, or Shawn just preferred the slim appearance it gave him. He noticed no one inside as he approached the door; something was a bit off. He could smell the first morning brew, not to his surprise, as he walked further in. A host always greeted him at the door. No longer could he hear the city rumblings as he looks inside the red & black checkerboard-colored booths. Getting nervous, he picks up his pace & almost stumbled over his favorite arcade game next to the bathroom doors.

           “We are back here Shawn.”

 We?

                               _______________________________________________

   We sat in the field with our basket of peaches & strawberries that summer. Her teeth glimmered like nothing I had ever seen before. Her laugh was more infectious than anything I had ever experienced. Rue the days I drug my feet before being lifted by just the sound of her voice. Love was nothing but some rumored whore used & abused that would not even consider me suitable for even a crass “aye come here.” I was deeply misled & I pray I never to be punished for my faulty assumption. She is angelic, delicate, unfathomable, once thought to be distant & intangible, but now, my Ana.

 Ana rest her head in Shawn’s lap as God’s paintbrush inked violet roses across the blood orange sky.  Ana would often drift off as Shawn ran his fingers threw her curls. He loved the coconut oil scent that lingered in the air from her hair. He watched her & silently prayed he never had to experience the loss for he understood why it was better to love, or he realized he had been cursed to have had loved at all. A picture of she, Hobbs, & he rest atop a dresser in his room & as the background to her phone. His heart pranced behind his chest plate just a little every time her phone lit up. She would trace his tattoos & throw a John Coltrane Vinyl from her vast collection on her record player as an Egyptian Musk incense filled the aroma as they laid back & drifted along the stars. The moon lived vicariously through Ana as she was enamored by their flawless love affair. Each kiss seemed endless as her lips tasted sweet as nectar found dripping from the lone tree that birthed the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. They did not always see eye to eye. She believed the government used political parties to distract us from unifying & seeking true means to reconstruct the distribution of wealth & realign power a bit more evenly. Following ideologies blindly based on what one believed on lip service to her was detrimental to the people & you contributed to said problem if you did not take the time to, at the very least, know who you were voting for, if you believed voting made a difference in this system in the first place. Shawn did not follow blindly to the fullest of extent, but on a lower level, he did not know all the policies that some of the soon-to-be government officials he voted for & refused to believe that the Red & Blue system was just some game of divide & conquer. He felt she likened it to a game of Risk, which bothered him a bit because his parents had advised him to vote from as soon as he was old enough to ask them who the president was. They argued over many social issues as well: whether well off individuals should return back home to ensure those after them have better resources than previous generations; do politics have a home in sports; religious texts, their implementation, & how they control the masses alongside their secular counterparts; how divisive can feminism become when race comes into play; & how important is race to society & when should it no longer become a factor for individuals versus the group were just a few topics that seemed to heat the kettle.

 Today wasn’t a day for altercation. She just lay there & he admired the sunset. She slept so peacefully. I reached for one of the many picked peaches & bit in; just as sweet as I imagined. The fruit was all ripe & the orchard happened to be empty on this fine Sunday afternoon. Nothing was to ruin our day. Then, I opened my mouth.

 “Why do you love me?”

“What?”

“Why do you love me, Ana”

“Is that what you feel? That I love you? I believe that we have met at a fork in the road & indulged in what seemed to be an endless waltz. I’m not-”

“Don’t do this. Not like this…”

“…”

“Are you going to say something?”

 I feel that fluttery feeling in my stomach again, but it is far from the same from that night at Kat’s.

Why is she getting up? Why is she not saying anything? I asked a simple question. WHY ISN’T MY MOUTH MOVING TO TELL HER TO STOP?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

 “There isn’t much left for me to say right now. When the time is right, we’ll speak again. Make it home safe. Don’t follow me, my uber will arrive shortly.”

 Cursed. Forsaken.

My, to have never loved at all, or to have not said a FUCKING WORD! My arrogance has once again dug my grave. She truly had won. She knew she won the entire time. Now, do I stop her? Do I let her Go?!

 The Sun had set on the orchard. The stars had already clocked in & the moon had just arrived delighted to revisit her favorite duo, but something was wrong. She spotted a piece of Shawn in Ana’s hand. Shawn hadn’t noticed, but tears, akin to the ones that fall from the sky, had silently raced down her face.

                               _______________________________________________

   Shawn walked through cherry-red swinging doors inside the diner. He noticed Loni’s office door was slightly left ajar. Loni sat with a smile on her face shaking the hand of a woman with cinnamon flowing hair down to her lower back.

           “Hey, Shawn! I’m glad you got my text. Usually, you never respond, must be my lucky day or something. I’ma go play the numbers. Yeah, some people called out today, I guess it’s some holiday. I don’t give a shit, someone’s getting fired heh. Just playing, but either way, this is a new hire I want you to meet. She is somewhat soft-spoken, like you funny enough. Seems like you two would get along.

 Shawn’s eyes never looked away from the back of her head.

           “Sorry girl, you’ll get used to my rambling on & on. Hey, what’s wrong? This is the most animated I’ve seen you since the interview started, that’s the energy we are going to need in this atmosphere. Any who, Shawn I want you to meet-”

             “Ana.”

           “No, her name is S-”

           “It’s a pleasure to meet you Shawn. It seems there is a lot of love in this diner. Maybe I can bring my love here as well? She spoke highly of you & how you spend a lot of your time next to the bathroom playing ‘Ms. Pac-man.’ I kind of play from time to time & it looks like we have some downtime before we open. You have a quarter?”

 Shawn looked down & smirked.

           “Yeah, I do. Wanna Play?”

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

Arsene Wenger Was Too Beautiful to Last

I did not come by my crippling addiction to Arsenal honestly.

I’ve written about it before, but I only watch soccer at all because of a video game. Soccer was weird and effete when I was a kid, the domain of preppies and future Rotary Club boosters. It was a rich kid’s sport in a poor kid’s town and I had no time for it, right up until the moment I did. Well after it was feasible to establish any nascent sense of soccer aesthetics in me, I fell for the game, hard, after the 2010 World Cup.

You have to follow a team, but if you’re stuck in the soccer hinterlands of the United States and you’re starved for the sport, you have to pick one. And, no disrespect to my local minor league team, Europe was where the best was played.

The English Premier League was there and available, so I scoured the teams, looking for some club which had the obscure criteria I wanted. Didn’t want to be a frontrunner, because I’d grown up with fans who moved from the Cowboys to the Patriots with an ease which made me feel queasy. No weird money doping. Attacking, beautiful football (“beautiful soccer” doesn’t have the same ring, so I say neither out loud, for fear of sounding too affected).

Arsenal would fit the bill, but what really drew me in, what made me the drooling addict I am today with hundreds of dollars of shirts and an impulsive trip to New York to see them play live, was Arsene Wenger.

One of the first things which struck me when I was casting about for a team was just how repulsive the average football manager was. The EPL managerial fraternity was a sea of oafs, men like Sam Allardyce and ‘Arry Redknapp. Worse were men like Jose Mourinho (who wasn’t at Chelsea when I arrived, but who I quickly became familiar with), genuine sociopaths who were inexplicably egged on by an English press which dwelled on “mindgames,” as if this handful of awful coaches were actually just putting people on and not deeply fucked up.

But the Arsenal manager, now, he was different. Even his physical presence was markedly different from his peers. He seemed impossibly tall and thin, his limbs coming to sharp angles like a screwed up trapezoid made human. His French accent was gravelly and phlegmy, and he would pause before he spoke, making a famous “Look, uhhhhhhhhh” when he was searching for a word which would draw out forever in a sort of hypnotizing chant. Arsene Wenger seemed like some sort of delicate alien sent to Earth to teach people the delights of what soccer could be, a Martian philosopher-king in a puffy coat who could figure out how to turn Thierry Henry into a striker but who was flummoxed by the concept of the zipper.

I never got the Invincibles, the Double, or 1989. I claimed them later, well after I’d already done my duty as a plastic fan and picked my team. What I got, what my Arsenal was and is, was scraping for fourth on the last day of the season with a bunch of kids. It was the 8-2 and coming back with Per Mertesacker and Mikel Arteta, middling names who righted the ship when everyone said that they—we—sucked. It was laughing at Tottenham when St. Totteringham’s Day was still a thing, because it was actually way more fun when Arsenal sort of sucked, too, so the last day of the season meant huge stakes in that tradition. It was never getting into the round of 16 in the Champion’s League but always getting out of the group stage, a sort of warped callback to my childhood UNC basketball fandom, where we didn’t win a ton of titles but we by God always got to the Sweet 16.

This was Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal. Don’t spend too much, work on the philosophy of the game, and let these young men express themselves. That was the thing: we know he’s not a Pep Guardiola tactics obsessive, so the fact that these guys actually did sort it out for themselves on the pitch was and is amazing. It’s not the Invincibles, but in retrospect, those times the world sneered at the “fourth place is like a trophy” sound bites and the teams which prompted them are some of the most memorable of his tenure. Wenger’s way was the right way. It felt right in a soccer world even a relative naif like me could see had gone completely off the rails with money and graft.

Expectations changed the second Mesut Ozil, one of my favorite players, arrived. The FA Cups came, too, but everything else seemed to stand still. What had been overachieving became, objectively, underachieving once the oft-cited financial shackles were off. Because a team with players like Ozil, Alexis Sanchez, Aaron Ramsey, Laurent Koscielny, and all the rest (yes, even Olivier Giroud) should be challenging for the title. Really challenging, not creeping up to second and then collapsing in a heap when the weather is slightly too cold or the fixtures slightly too close together.

A couple of years ago, on an episode of the Arsecast, the Irish Times’ Ken Early said (paraphrasing) that sensation isn’t a feeling, but a change in feeling, that you can only feel anything in relation to some other, different one. That Arsenal fans suffer from a lack of sensation because nothing really changes. Every season seems the same as the last, even with the Cup wins.

He was right. For every good thing the post-Ozil, supposedly financially-free Wenger accomplished, there was some opposite event neutralizing the good feeling from it. We won the FA Cup; we kept losing in the Round of 32 in the Champion’s League. We got some good wins; we kept losing to the rest of the top six.

Fans of smaller clubs, mired in midtable or worse, get annoyed by what they see as Arsenal fans’ sense of entitlement. It’s not really that. It’s this endless grey Limbo of sameness, where even the third FA Cup win, over hated Chelsea, felt rote. It was, again paraphrasing Early, like placing a finger on the same spot of skin and just leaving it there. We felt nothing.

Arsene began to sound tired. What had been wit with an elfin smile started to feel like entitlement, the interviews of a man who, on some level, knew he could crack wise or really say whatever he wanted because he was never, ever leaving. He started to look hapless on the pitch, a man devoid of ideas when his greatest notions were hidden behind locker room doors and training pitch codes. The optimist’s view was that tactics had evolved but he hadn’t; the pessimist’s was that you couldn’t send players out to sort it out in real time because they were too stupid, too drilled, and too pampered to handle it.

Regardless, he was a man out of time. Most people knew that it was time to slowly close the door on the funny, smart, strange Arsene Wenger, but each person had an individual moment where there was no coming back. For me, it was at Old Trafford the season Leicester City won the title. Louis Van Gaal sent out a bunch of kids and retreads and Manchester United proceeded to kick Arsenal’s ass. I remember Alexis Sanchez’s face as he shrugged his shoulders in disbelief, the title gone in a season where everyone else in the traditional top tier of English soccer sucked. It was time.

It’s hurt to watch Wenger cut an increasingly harried figure, not least because I’ve resented how it’s caused me to question so much of what I love about him. I even came to dislike him a little, which I hated so much there were days I had to get my mind off of it after a game.

Laurent Koscielny is a perfect microcosm of Wenger’s late career. He was plucked from relative obscurity on the cheap, which is a cool example of Wenger’s ability to grab young, usually French talent. He wasn’t great to start with, but he grew to become a really, really good defender. Wenger trusted him, year after year, and he formed a tragically underrated partnership with Mertesacker in those FA Cup winning seasons.

But what would’ve happened if Wenger had gone after the finished product, instead of Koscielny? Would it have been 3rd instead of 4th? Does the League Cup loss to Birmingham happen? What if he’d been less stubborn about buying a defensive midfielder? Is Koscielny better regarded if he doesn’t spend a career in an isolated defense?

The sight of Koscielny on the ground in the Europa League semi-final, screaming for help as he clutched a ruptured Achilles tendon, brought me to tears. Not just because I was watching a man’s career end, but because it was so easily avoided. He’d been in pain for a couple of years now and he should’ve been a backup. Instead, Wenger refused to buy another starting centerback, driven by some combination of faith, stubbornness, cheapness, and infatuation.

All of it rankled, in the end. It rankled for Koscielny, for Wenger, for me. It was time. But when Wenger finally accepted it was time, somewhere around his lap of appreciation after his final home game as Arsenal manager, it felt good. It went away. The fans chanted his name and he said, simply, that he would miss us. It was the first time it truly felt like he’d let go of all of this, and that we could, too.

I’m going to miss him so desperately, more than any other sports figure in my life. More than Dean Smith, even, and oh you have no idea what a big deal that is. This funny, odd man who told people to eat their vegetables and, above all else, to be beautiful. The game has changed. Maybe it’s not for the better that that simple foundation for everything else isn’t enough anymore, but that changes nothing. Arsenal will continue, and Wenger will, too, somewhere else. But part of him will always be with the club and with me, until I give up on this maddening, thrilling, beautiful sport. Merci, Arsene, nous t’aimons.

Arsene Wenger Was Too Beautiful to Last syndicated from https://australiahoverboards.wordpress.com