#he’s such a complex character. like he doesn’t seem to at first glance but if you actually DELVE into it?

[avionvadion]

For someone who’s writing a fic centered around Sesshomaru x OC I sure do like to put Inuyasha under a microscope to prod at his brain to figure out what’s going on in there.

(Anyways, here’s my favorite paragraph from Inuyasha’s POV from the most recent chapter.)

"He knew what it was like to lose a loved one. He knew what it was like to lose someone he thought he could trust. He knew what it was like to love and not trust, and to have that love and distrust thrown back in his face. He knew what it was like to love and lose, because he had done it several times before, and each time was more painful than the last. His entire childhood was spent running and hiding in fear, trying desperately to stay alive, because all he had known had left him and the world was intent on getting rid of him too."

(Also an excerpt from Sango’s POV because I love her and there’s something very important near the end of it.)

Lifting her gaze, Sango turned to stare at Inuyasha again- the boy chancing a glance at her out of the corner of his eye, over his shoulders. To the demon slayer, who had been informed how badly Sesshōmaru had treated him in the past, and had seen them fight at least once, Inuyasha looked like a frightened dog.

He was afraid.

Not for Irene, who- deep down- he knew was alive, but of the idea that Sesshōmaru had somehow changed. The person he despised more than anything, perhaps even more than Naraku himself.

Sango remembered all too clearly the way Inuyasha had lashed out at Irene before when she said she didn’t hate Sesshōmaru. When she said she had actually felt safe with him. The idea that Sesshōmaru could have had a change of heart, and was no longer the ruthless demon Inuyasha grew up with- grew up avoiding, grew up trying to survive against- was… terrifying to him. It was like the world he thought he understood was coming crashing down around him.

Because if Sesshōmaru’s heart actually changed for the better, if he was actually going out of his way to save Irene- Inuyasha’s friend- then that meant Inuyasha would have to feel gratitude towards him. One of his best friends would be alive because of the half-brother that had so-often wanted him dead.

But… that doesn’t erase the past.

Sango wonders if Inuyasha realizes that. If he knows that, just because Sesshōmaru has the capacity to care now and even cares about one of their friends, it doesn’t mean the scars of the past will vanish. Inuyasha is still allowed to hate him. He’s allowed to hold a grudge.

Sesshōmaru had been awful to him.

Just because there will be gratitude to the demon lord for saving Irene, that doesn’t mean Inuyasha has to forgive him.

“Inuyasha…” The bloodied mask felt heavy in Sango’s hand, but she didn’t set it down. Her features shifted into something gentler, yet still so very sad. “It’s okay.”

The half-demon said nothing.

“It’s okay to hate Sesshōmaru.”

His feelings are completely valid on this matter. Forgiveness is a gift, not an obligation, and Inuyasha does not have to give it if he does not choose so.

[thedaythatwas]

something I appreciate about akechi as a character is that he never seems to think hmm, maybe I should emotionally distance myself from joker, because being invested in him could end up being bad for me when I need to kill him. the vengeance-oriented character goro is made out to be at first glance ought to think like this, but NO! goro akechi is NOT (just) that guy!

from the beginning, akechi goes above and beyond the minimum requirements of getting intel on joker and gaining his trust. he says, I’ll go the extra mile! I’m going to follow him around, inside and outside the metaverse. we’re going to talk about my dead mom. I’m going to insist that we’re RIVALS! I’ll spend so long thinking about all the reasons I hate him that it’ll become obvious to everyone around me— even joker’s (not a) cat— that what I feel isn’t really hate but something much more complex. obviously, this will make killing him that much more gratifying, because our lives are now intertwined! HA! take that joker! I WIN!

I believe this… interesting… thought process has something to do with akechi’s central motivation being more than just a desire for vengeance. he also desperately craves approval and recognition. akechi is not actually all that pragmatic. he’s highly driven by emotion, sometimes at the cost of logic (I mean… his revenge plot isn’t all that mature or well-thought through. it’s basically suicidal).

this considered, it seems that becoming akiren’s rival would be second nature to goro. it gives him a veritable cornucopia of things he craves. winning their “game” allows him to feel recognized for his worth. just playing it gives him opportunities to feel seen and known. being a rival is addictive. he gets the chance to embrace the anger he cultivates towards akiren and the rush of putting him at the center of his thoughts. their rivalry is by far the most intimate relationship akechi has. and so, he gets more and more tangled up with joker— and in his feelings about joker— regardless of any risk that poses to his plans. distancing himself would go against goro’s every instinct.

being akiren’s rival is tied to akechi’s vengeance, but somewhere along the line, “besting joker” evolves to be about more than plotting against shido. this is probably for similar reasons as to why akechi’s desire for vengeance against his father was never purely about “vengeance” at all.

of course, this comes with the pesky, entirely predictable side effect of akechi getting a bit obsessed. oh well! it doesn’t end up stopping him from trying to carry out his order to kill akiren.

regardless of how events actually unfold, akechi’s feelings are a clean-cut liability to his revenge plot. a rational character would probably want to avoid such an obvious crack in his armor. this to say, as intelligent as akechi is, he’s not really all that rational. there’s a difference! he’s not who he appears to be at first glance, or even second or third glance. he’s not the detective prince, or an assassin with tunnel vision for vengeance, or even just plain angry. akechi wants to be needed, and he’ll do anything to chase that feeling.

so yeah, it would’ve been nice if he had found a homoerotic rival before the shido revenge plot debacle happened! alas.

[autistic-ben-tennyson]

Ben and Gwen: lonely kid and gifted child

I’ve thought a lot about these two and their family dynamic. Both are relatable to me but in different ways. Like Gwen, I’ve always been the “mature” one who was good at school and loved by the adults in my life, but I also don’t have any friends and have a desire for fame and attention like Ben. At first glance, they seem to have little to complain about, being white kids with stable homes and two parents, compared to someone like Kevin, but there’s more to a character than just the surface and I think both have a lot of emotional issues relating to their self worth.

With Gwen, we get glimpses into her life and how everyone views her as perfect. Sunny envied how she was adored by her parents and Verdona and Gwen wished her mother would stop thinking of her as the “good influence”. All the adults in her family loved her and expected her to be the role model for the other kids which is a double edged sword. Yes you get praise and love but also pressure and high expectations. You’re expected to babysit the other kids and often have to bury your true feelings to please everyone and people will envy the love you get. And that love is often conditional and based around living up to their standards, remember how Natalie told her “normal people don’t glow” and how she doesn’t like her daughter or nephew using their powers around her.

As a kid, she was constantly doing extracurriculars like cotillion and judo before earning a scholarship to go to college early in Omniverse. We got a glimpse into her daily life in “It’s not Easy Being Gwen” where everyone expects her to fulfill certain obligations. Gwen seems like a child prodigy who feels she has to be the best and is always filling her schedule with activities and is always trying to get into the top schools. I think that’s why she fell for Kevin. He was the only one who loved her without putting her on a pedestal or because she’s family. The only person she could be herself around and doesn’t force her to act like a perfectionist. People complain about her outfit change in OV and I agree with some of the criticisms, but with all the pressure in her life, I get why she would want a change from the expectations in her life.

Ben strikes me as someone with a deep inferiority complex. It’s implied that he’s a bit of a loner who doesn’t have many friends with JT ditching him for Cash. He did get along better with Sunny which makes me wonder if he can relate to being in Gwen’s shadow. Fans talk about how great Carl and Sandra are as parents and while they are nice people, their free range approach can seem negligent. They only seemed concerned about Ben’s heroics once they witnessed it. By that time, Ben had been on late night road trips with Kevin, who punched holes in their doors, for weeks and didn’t even come home one night in “Save the Last Dance”. Ben may have acted the way he did in the OS as a cry for help as he feels neglected and the favoritism everyone has towards Gwen may rub off on him. It reminds me a bit of how Steven from SU acted the way he did in the early episodes because he was constantly being left alone without the gems or Greg while being compared to Rose. Kids who don’t have friends nor get much attention while living in a family member’s shadow can and do develop inferiority complexes.

Ben’s desire for fame seems to stem from wanting to be loved and wanting to feel special. He becomes so full of himself because people finally love him as opposed to viewing him as some average kid. Fans have dismissed the bullying he faced as cliche or unnecessary but it adds to his character. A lonely, bullied kid who’s in the shadow of his overachieving cousin will want something that makes him feel special, like the Omnitrix. Ben has to learn throughout the 4 shows that he is the hero, not the watch. I think that’s why he loved using transformations like Four-arms, Humungousaur and Feedback so much even if they were inadequate for the situation as they made him feel confident. The way he fights is reminiscent of standing up to a bully too, picking an intimidating form, offering a chance to back off and then doing what he can to stop the threat. It’s easy to write him off as just a spoiled brat or narcissistic but I think 1, that’s ableist and 2, is a rather shallow way of looking at his character. While he can be insufferable at times, is it wrong to want acknowledgement or praise when there’s people like Will Harangue or the Rooters who hate you just for existing? I think he deserves a break from fans who hate him and he acts a lot better than most kids would in his situation. Compare him to Shinji Ikari from Evangelion, who I also love as a character, who would break down after seeing what Ben has to deal with every day.

I think both may envy each other at times. Gwen has been shown to be jealous of Ben getting all the glory as well as how Ben was given a car by her boyfriend despite her parents being wealthier. Like Sunny, Ben may have viewed Gwen as a stuck-up overachiever who got all the respect from their parents. That was until they bonded and became friends in the OS but it occasionally came back like when Ben lashed out at her for telling him he couldn’t use Feedback, believing she was trying to take the only thing he had. Because they have it easier than Kevin, it’s easy to expect them to just get over it but I think both Tennyson cousins need a lot of therapy and need to talk about their issues with each other. Both characters mean a lot to me and remind me of my own struggles.

[automaticheartcrusade]

Tom Houston, they could never make me hate you Tom Houston. I’m his #1 defender and fan, cause for some reason people genuinely don’t like him and I’ve even seen some people call him bad and I just….how?

What I like about Tom is that when you meet him in Black Friday, at first glance he’s an asshole. He seems very closed off and inconsiderate of other’s people’s feelings. You feel for Emma cause she’s just trying to mend things with her brother in law and you feel for Tim cause he feels left out. But the minute “What Tim Wants”- plays, you immediately see Tom as a whole. He loves his son to death. He loves his wife. He hates himself. He thinks he ruined his families life and that’s why he pushes Emma, the only other family he has left, away. Nick Lang said on Twitter that he also thinks he doesn’t deserve happiness due to this. He’s grappled with so much grief and self loathing, which is probably why Jane’s spirit in Nightmare Time is so gaslighty because he believes he deserves to be treated this way. Not only that but Tom is good with kids. He cares about Tim, he cares about Lex and Hannah. Tom might be a little full of it at times but he’s genuinely a good guy. Also he’s freaking hilarious, Dylan Saunders performance and line reads never fail to crack me up. But with how people speak of Tom, you’d think they never fully watched Black Friday or listened to his songs. He’s such a complex and emotionally distraught character, no one even talks about the fact that he has PTSD from the war AND the crash.

I also saw Hathetfeild fans on my twitter timeline not like Tom Houston anymore because of the car incident. Unpopular opinion but I feel like people take that scene wayyy too seriously. It’s supposed to be so absurd and over the top, a moment to laugh at. On a character perspective, Tom still clearly loves Becky, but we know that he’s constantly tackled with the guilt of what happened to Jane that he’s willing to do anything for her, deep down he still loves her, even if she’s gaslighting him constantly. So yeah Tom Houston get behind me cause they don’t understand you like I do.🤺🤺🤺

[willowswiththorns]

I’ve noticed a drought in Jess Mariano x readers. I’m not use to writing fics so I’ll do some head canons for now. As always if you have any suggestions, my commissions are open. Thank you for reading - Willow

Jess Mariano Drabble

First thing that needs to be stated is that Jess Mariano is a complex character, so I am breaking him down by a few seasons at a time.

Season 2 :

Meeting Jess in Stars Hallow will be an interesting and almost intense experience. You’d meet either at Luke’s, in high school, or in the bookstore.

If you meet at Luke’s, you’d catch his eye. He wouldn’t say anything, but he would subtly make his presence known. A good example would be him helping Luke for the first time by bringing over your plate of food/drink before abruptly leaving the diner.

Now if you both meet at the bookstore, you would most definitely get his attention. He’ll sneak past you a few times, trying to peak and see what books you were looking at before finally saying something regarding the book. Once the conversation starts, it’ll last a good while and end with him giving you a book recommendation before heading out. He’ll give you one little last glance back.

If first meet at high school, it’ll be the least amount of interaction. You’d be sitting beside him in the back row of class, zoning out and looking around until your eyes fall on him. Jess isn’t paying attention to the lesson either, he’s more invested in a small book he snuck into class . He’s so zoned into the book, he doesn’t notice you staring into him. It wasn’t until the bell rang that he’d look over for a second and notice you. He’d stare at you, a bit confused before he’d get up to walk away.

Now the second time you bump into him, he’d seem a bit more comfortable with you. You’d be sitting on a bench by the gazebo reading when you feel movement by the space beside you. “Hey “ is all he’d say at first before looking down at your book. “The Virgin Suicide? That sounds interesting” he’d tease softly in his monotone voice. He’d then grab your book and take a look at the back “Jeez, this look depressing-“ he’d hand the book back and ask you your thoughts about it. You both would be talking about the plot about the book and how it was inspired by the author’s teenage babysitter. Needless to say you were both debating literature for a while.

After that quality time at the park, the chances of seeing Jess again is high. In fact, if he sees you around town, rest assured he’ll find his way over to you. He isn’t opened about his past with you, so deep talks are out the window. However, he’s open to chatting about day to day things in his life. Any conversation about your day to day life you’d notice how intently Jess listens in. He shows he listens to you, he even sometimes brings up small details you’ve mentioned briefly in conversation. The most you’ll hear if he talks is about his uncle or how the town’s people don’t like him that much except for maybe two girls, you and Rory.

You and Jess meet up a lot more after his trip to the Independence Inn wedding. However in most of his meet ups he seems a bit withdrawn, and you can’t help but wonder why. If you push for why a bit with Jess, he’ll grumble about how Rory kissed him. Needless to say the relationship gets a bit rocky from here, however if you comfort him well about the situation with Rory, he will come to you more about his feelings. Slowly but surely, you both become closer to each other, confiding to each other about each other’s past experiences. You open up to him about your living situation and lack of plans for the future, how you’re afraid of being alone but know staying with your parents past high school will only make you a financial burden onto them. He eventually opened up about how his dad wasn’t around, how his mom was unreliable and dumped him off to his uncle as soon as she couldn’t handle him anymore.

Season 3 :

The summer between you two is nothing short of amazing. He’s practically glued to your hip, and it’s a bit of gossip for the town of you both potentially dating. However neither you nor Jess has confessed any romantic feelings to each other, so the rumors were just that. You’d be found either at Luke’s with Jess, or Jess would be spotted sneaking up into your room to spend time with you. Lying down on his bed, you listened to Jess reading Howl by Allen Ginsburg out loud. He’s only holding the paperback with one hand while his other was in your hair, slowly letting his fingers scratch gently at your scalp. “ The wage they pay us is too low to live on. Tragedy reduced the numbers. This for the poor shepherds- Y/n?“ he’d only pause once he’d realized your usual commentary was replaced with soft almost quiet snores. With a sign, he’d put the book on his nightstand and got more comfortable so he can join you in your little nap.

Your feelings regarding Jess definitely have grown over the summer together, sadly it wasn’t too long before he was caught making out with the girl from your science class, Shane. He was still around more and still having the habits of cuddling in bed reading with you or looking at records together at a store, it’s just sometimes Shane would invite herself. Shane was always very touchy and flirty with Jess, but she was never really heinous to you. The only time she’d show agitation with you is if she wants alone time with Jess and even then you’d find Jess sneaking into your room later that night to see you.

With your now duo becoming a trio, you had gotten to get to know Shane more and actually got along with her well. She offers you any hair tips and tricks since she works at the Beauty Supply. Other than the awkward times where both Jess and Shane would have awkward acts of PDA in the most random places, being able to hang out with them is a pleasant experience.

Once Rory comes back to town it becomes a bit more tense of an environment. Even though Shane doesn’t notice Jess using her to make Rory jealous, you notice almost right away. Trying to talk to Jess about the situation only makes him mad and shut down completely with you, so much so that you don’t accompany him and Shane to the 24 hour dance. You find out rather quickly that shit hits the fan when you see a crying Shane at your door, explaining everything that went down. After comforting her and walking her home, you decide to stop by Luke’s only to find that Jess isn’t home. Luke mentions that he’d pass the word to Jess that you stopped by. With that you head home.

Once Jess and Rory’s relationship became public, it has become clear that any free time would go to his new girlfriend. Seeing Jess occasionally is bittersweet, the most he’d do when seeing you around town is use the free hand that’s not wrapped around Rory to wave to you. It isn’t until one night he comes to you all frustrated, not telling you what’s happening to make him upset. He doesn’t really open up until a few hours later into the night after you get him in a more comfortable spot. Everything about his life that’s bugging him, Rory and his love life, flunking out of school, bumping into his father for the first time, and the town hating him are all reasons as to why he’s upset. It wasn’t until you slowly tried to hug him that he looked at you. Jess isn’t the type of guy to cry in front of anyone, but just looking him in the eye you can tell he’s exhausted. Grabbing his hand, you slowly dragged him into bed, making sure he took his shoes off before putting the blankets on the both of you. “You don’t need to do this, this was a mistake-“ You smiled and shushed him , curling up next to him. “ Shut up and sleep. Goodnight Jess” As you slowly drifted off to sleep, you hear him whisper a goodnight to you.

When you wake up, the bed is empty. There was no trace of him still being in your room. A little bit of panic hits you as you get up and grab your phone to dial to Luke’s. Luke picks up and when you ask if Jess made it home safely, he hesitant to answer. After a little bit of pushing, Luke tells you that Jess skipped town.

Season 4 :

It’s been a long while since you’ve seen Jess, but the memories of him still stick with you. The most memorable thing is that last night between the two of you. How he let you curled up against him and how his arms slowly wrapped up around your body. Your parents are concerned about how you lock yourself in your room unless you have to go to work. They force you to get out the house for the festivities in town. The ghost of him lingers everywhere you go, it’s a shock when you see a glimpse of Jess at one of the town’s festivals. You see him chase after Rory and you can’t help but feel your heart swell. With slowly steps, you go to Jess’s car as you see him quickly run from Rory to his car to drive away.

Jess almost hits you on his way out of town. His brain has sent him reeling so much over the fact that he confessed to Rory that he almost hits you. Seeing you in front of his car with the look of pure fear and heartbreak in your eyes fills his chest with guilt and dread. He never truly said goodbye to you, but he wasn’t never the best at goodbyes. Not being able to handle any more heartbreak, he turned his car around you so he could speed away.

At this point the thought of Jess sends feelings of loneliness strike through you. He’s a runner from all his responsibilities, not thinking about who he hurts. All the times you both spent together just for him to leave not once but twice without even uttering a goodbye to you.

One morning eating at Luke’s, an older woman comes in asking if Luke was around. Since your mouth was full of fries, you pointed at Luke talking to Lorelai. With in a matter of seconds Luke pulls this mystery woman to the kitchen to bicker and argue before the woman walks off upstairs.

After a few days of ease-dropping, you find out that the mystery woman Luke was arguing about was actually his sister, Jess’s mother. She and her fiance, TJ, were planning their renaissance wedding in the town’s square. After one day of eating at Luke’s and looking at some jewelry that Liz had out for sale, she asks about who you were. Smiling, you explain how you eat here regularly and was actually a friend of Jess. Liz’s smile beamed bright as she’d grab your arm “ You should come to TJ and My’s wedding! I’m sure Jess would love to see you there!” You smile and look down at your shoes before awkwardly answering with a small, “I don’t think he’ll want to see me-“ Shed cut you off “ Nonsense! Please come, me and TJ would love for you to join us!” With a small sign, you agreed to come.

The day of the wedding was delightful to say the least. You asked Mrs Patty if she had any renaissance themed clothes you could wear to the wedding, and she brought out a very pretty gown she had in her costume closet she has for her dancers. The town square was filled with people in costumes, you’d fit in just fine. Finding a place to sit was a bit difficult, but a man who claimed to be TJ’s brother let you sit up a row in front of Luke and Lorelai. “Lorelai you look amazing!” You’d say, spin around to talk to the woman behind you. She’d show a beautiful smile and reply back “thanks hon! You look great too! I think I actually sewed that up for one of Mrs Patty’s recitals last year-“ you let out a little chuckle “ I guess I got busted, yeah I borrowed it from Patty” you both chat a bit more until you see Jess walk down the isle. Your eyes met before you’d force yourself to look away. As Liz and TJ got to the alter, Jess takes a seat next to you. You can feel his gaze dig into the side of your face as you try to keep your eyes on the ceremony. After the wedding, you do your best to keep your distance from Jess. It’s better to just be away from him rather than let him hurt you by leaving unannounced again. When the after party ends, you’re quick to make your way home, reminding yourself to just drop off the dress to Patty tomorrow morning.

As you’re making your way over the bridge you hear Jess call out to you. You try to speed walk more but to no avail, you feel a strong hand grip your wrist and pulled you towards him. “ Jess-“ you’d cry out in shock as he holds you close. Looking up, you can see the anguish in his eyes, his face trying to not be too expressive as he tries to find out what to say. “ y/n….I” you try to pull away but he doesn’t budge. “ I know I left and I’m sorry. I miss you, and I love you…” you shake your head “ you can’t just come back after leaving me twice and god!” You push him away “ you can’t just say you love me!” Tears slowly started to form as you try to walk away again, him tailing close behind. “ I’m different now! I know you couldn’t count on me before but you can now! It’s different I promise. We can leave together, right now! “ You stop your walk and turn to him. “ what’re you talking about? “ he’d grab your hands and get closer to you. “Let’s go. We can leave this town and be together. We don’t need to stay here y/n. Please, you can count on me now I promise.” The both of you stand awkwardly on the bridge now, not sure what to do. You stand there for a minute and ponder your choices. You can either say no and go back to your home or you can say yes and run away with the man you fell in love with years ago.

You look away and let go of his hands. “ Jess I…” you started but Jess sighs “ forget it. It was stupid to ask…” with a turn, he starts to walk away. “Wait! Jess- “ you yelled out again. “ what?” He asked, stopping abruptly and turning back to you. “ I thought about it… with my work and my family I should say no.” The look of rejection plastered on his face. You let out a weak laugh, tears now streaming down your face as you finished.

“But I love you too, and I’d be a fool to let you leave me again. Help me pack?”

Season 6 :

You both have had your ups and downs these past few months. Jess rooms with a few guys he works with up in a Philadelphia bookshop, meanwhile you’ve saved up enough for a cute little apartment from the two jobs you’ve been working at nonstop since you ran away. Jess usually spends the night at the bookstore, but when you’re both off he prefers to stay at your studio apartment.

Tonight you were celebrating the release of Jess’s first book. He has it set up and ready to sell to the public, but for tonight he’s all yours. He’d let out a low chuckle as you’d wrap your arms around his waist, kissing up his neck before hiding your face. “ Congratulations honey~” you’d whisper softly, your breath tickling his neck. His hands slowly play with your hair as he uses his free hand to take a sip of his champagne. “ thank you.” He whispered back, turning his head to you so he could place a little kiss on your head.

Day of the book being released to the public was a very hectic one to say the least. The room that was usually quiet and empty was now packed with people. Jess stayed close to you as he talked to customers, his hand gently on the small of your back. The smile on his face grew as he saw Luke and his niece, April enter the store. You both immediately go to the pair and greet them. Luke giving both you and Jess a strong hug. The conversation was pleasant as you mostly just listened to the three talk amongst themselves. Another familiar face meets your vision and you tense up a little. Jess feels you tense up and follows your stare to see none other than Rory Gilmore. She smiles and says hi to you both, and you let out a small hi before looking at the ground. Everyone resumes talking as you zone out.

After Luke and April wave goodbye and head out, so did many other customers as the store was getting ready to close. You and a few of the guys who also own the place start cleaning up as Rory and Jess talk. You do your best to not listen to their conversation, but curiosity consumed you. Their conversation was pretty tame for the most part, but something in you can sense that Rory misses Jess in some ways. As you see her lean in for a kiss, Jess stops her and gets up. He wishes her a safe trip home and gives her a small hug before walking over to you, his hand grabbing yours as he walked Rory out with you.

When Rory left, you looked up at Jess with worried eyes. You trusted Jess completely and have been through everything with him, but some part of you feared he might still have friends with Rory. It seemed Jess could read that off your expression almost instantly and tried to reassure you. “ You know I love you and only you, right?” He’d ask you, his hand slowly moving to be around your waist. You’d give a small nod, looking away. You hated how easily he could read you now. A small smile would form on his face as he’d move you to face him. “ She’s my friend and that’s it. I promise. I love you y/n. “ he’d tell you before slowly leaning in to kiss your lips.

AYITL :

It’s been years now, the both of you have already tied the knot and been together for nearly a decade now. You both agreed to get married, but not have a big reception like everyone else. In fact, the people who came to watch you and Jess get married was Jess’s family. Now you both live together in a nice apartment, enjoying the married life. Jess is working on his book and overall working on his self improvement more, meanwhile you are working your dream job and helping Jess out with his new book he’s writing.

When Jess mentions heading back to the small town you both met at, you were a bit nervous. You hadn’t seen your family since the night you ran away with Jess. Sometimes you wondered how they were doing, if you leaving ever really hurt them in some way. Dread and guilt hit you like a freight train at the thought. There was only one time you tried to call your parents during the first few months after you ran away, and even then hearing them pick up and ask who was calling scared you so much, you hung up almost instantly. Jess had to hold you that night as you cried. The memory alone made you feel sick, however you know going with Jess was the right approach.

Entering Stars Hallow sent you back to the time you were a young teen. It was like the town has barely changed, and by the look in Jess’s face, he seemed to feel the same. After parking the truck, you both walked up into Luke’s Diner. Luke looked a little older now, but he seemed the same as the many years before. The older man was quick to come and hug you both, welcoming you in for food. You watched the both of them talk for a bit before spotting your mom walking into the diner. Your eyes met hers as she stood there in shock to see you. The fear of her hating you for running away without a goodbye flooded back. “ Mom-“ You were cut short by your mom running over to hug you tightly. Both Jess and Luke seemed a bit tense, watching the scene unfold. “ I’m so sorry.. leaving the way I did. I know you probably don’t forgive me for leaving. I’m sorry” Tears started to well up as you apologized. “ I’m sorry for leaving you and Dad, I just didn’t know how to tell you-“ Your mom shushes you gently and doesn’t let go. “ You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay, Jess reached out a few years ago in your behalf and kept us updated. We’re just happy you’re happy honey.”

After that nice encounter, it felt like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You let Jess go to the gazette to visit Rory as you talked to your mother some more. The idea of Jess and Rory use to plague your mind of worry, however Jess has done nothing but be loyal to you so the fear overtime vanished. You showed your mother the wedding ring you have and smiled. For the rest of the day, you spent time with your family, you did have a decade of time to catch up on with them.

Later that night you came to Luke’s upper apartment to sleep. Luke moved into the Gilmore house a few years ago, so he loans out the upper apartment for you and Jess to stay In whenever you both were in town. Yawning, you kicked off your shoes and stripped off your clothes so you could change into your pajamas. Jess came out of the bathroom, stretching as he watched you change. “ How did I get so lucky to have you?” He’d ask, walking over to you and kissing your neck. The feeling of his lips on your skin makes you shutter slightly, a blush creeping onto your cheeks. “ Hmmm I don’t know babe~” you’d tease playfully and in red he’d let out a fake gasp of shock to play along. The kisses up your neck and jawline didn’t halt however, he was just getting started. “ God I love you so much “ he’d whisper in your ear before turning you to face him. You both locked eyes as pressed yourself against him. His eyes were filled with love and adoration for you. He is the love of your life, and you are the love of his life. With a loving smile, you kiss him on the lips. He tried to deepen the kiss, however you push him away for only a second. You only had one thing to tell him before you’d continue .

“ I love you too Jess.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you guys enjoyed this. I’m running on a few hours of sleep, so if the pacing or grammar is a bit off I’m so sorry. I tried to keep true to the timeline and add more details to it. I also wanted to add more information towards y’all’s character, but if you don’t like the family part I totally get it. Please let me know what y’all think in the comments. My commissions are open so let me know 🥰 thank you guys again for reading and supporting my writing. Have a wonderful day everyone! - Willow

[nanaminokanojo]

BAD NEWS (part 32)

-just when you thought you were over your humongous crush on your older brother’s best friend, geto suguru, you couldn’t have been more dead wrong, except satoru doesn’t like suguru for you because he knows his kind all too well: a huge ass playboy who breaks hearts like he changes socks. but you think, MAYBE you’ll be the exception…maybe not.

CHARACTERS: drummer!geto suguru x you/afab reader | gojo satoru | various jjk characters

GENRE: full-length smau + prose | band au | college au | stupid pining | aged-up characters | friends to lovers (?) | smut

TW/CW: strong/mature language | adult content so mdni on some parts | mentions of alcohol, drugs | mentions of cheating, promiscuity, mild dubcon, etc. | god-awful pet names | toxic behavior | will add more if something arises

MASTERLIST | CHAPTER INDEX

<<prev part 32 next>>

A/N: Contains prose and panels in between.

"This is me."

Suguru couldn't possibly think of a more frightening combination of words at the moment, watching as Ieiri took her seatbelt off, further saying her thanks to him for driving her home or something like that before turning to you.

He did ask for her help to get you alone with him, he knew that, but judging how you grudgingly entered the backseat of his car earlier, banging the door close – much to his annoyance – he knew better than to push it with you. It wasn't the first time you two would have a spat, and like your brother, you knew how to hold a goddamn grudge.

"Hey, Y/N, I'm going."

He watched as you typed away on your phone and merely waved at Ieiri without even looking up, scooting further behind his seat as if that's going to make you any less present inside his car. "Take care. Love you."

Suguru noticed how the older female slightly frowned before glancing at him as she disembarked from the car. She stood up but then bent down again at a last ditch attempt to help him.. "You can transfer to the front now."

"No, thanks." Your answer was a flat out refusal, and Suguru just shrugged, frustrated. If it was because of you or more because of himself, he couldn't tell. Having given up, Ieiri closed the door to the passenger side.

"Text me when you get in," he called after her which she returned with a wave as she walked towards her apartment complex. Once she was out of view, he twisted on his seat to look at you. "You sure you're okay there?"

"Positive."

"You can stretch your leg better here –"

You momentarily met his eyes, yours cold as you regarded him. "I'm tired. I wanna go home."

Turning away, he stepped on the gas. "Fine."

He didn't know what set you off, at least, not exactly. While he did realize his choice of a joke was crass abd stupid, and that you might have been offended by it, he didn't really expect you to react as profoundly as you did. He has said worse things to you before in the same manner and you'd usually just call him names, scrunch your nose in disgust and laugh it off.

That's how it had been before you left. It's the same reason why he was more open with his words with you. You were rather easygoing, past tense. Now, everything he did and said seemed to put you in a foul mood, and he didn't really understand the glaring distance you were putting between him and yourself which brings him back to the unknown reason behind your anger.

Actually, not fine.

Suguru may have said something stupid, but he didn't think he deserved your consequent reaction without knowing the real reason why. It couldn't possibly be just because you found his joke distasteful. You weren't like that at all as far as he knows. Then again, does he even have the right to claim that he still knows you?

Not wanting to prolong the agony any further, he swerved towards the side of the parkway, doing so without as much as a warning before making a full stop. He killed the engine and just sat there, tapping his fingers onto the steering wheel in an attempt to calm down.

"What are you doing?" you asked in a low tone from behind.

Perhaps things changed. More than he cared to admit. More than either of you were letting on. And it made his heart sink. Perhaps you have really forgotten everything – that night. Maybe it meant nothing to you. Or maybe you choose not to remember. He didn't know what was worse. But it meant a great deal to him, and you, even more, and yet, every single time he tries to get closer, it feels like you were sand slipping through his fingers. And it's all his fault.

If only –

He opened the door and got out, catching your eyes as you watched him round the car towards the back and over to the door opposite you. And then, he entered the backseat.

"Suguru, what –" Your protest died in your thoat when he said, "You wanna sit here? Let's both sit here."

You shot him a petulant look, your lower lip jutting out. It was silent for a bit, but you chose to break it. "Fine, I'll go sit in front." You turned away from him, opening the door beside you, but before you could even move, he reached for the handle, shutting it close and trapping you on the seat.

He felt you freeze up against him, your breath stilling before coming out again in a shaky exhale that fanned against the side of his neck. You were practically in his embrace if it weren't for the measly space that separated your heat from his.

And then he sighed, going limp as if in exhaustion, his forehead falling onto your shoulder. He breathed in deeply, in then slowly out, letting your smell and the faint sound of your heart thudding in your chest fill his senses. He raised his other hand, placing it at the side of your neck, his thumb gently soothing over your cheek just by your ear.

"I missed you," he whispered, and then said it again, louder. "I missed you."

He felt your hand rising towards his left shoulder, lightly pushing him back and he did as you wanted, sitting upright and distancing himself from you. However, before he could move any further, you adjusted your position and leaned against him, slumping on the leather seat with your head on his shoulder.

Suguru glanced at you, fidgeting with the hem of his black shirt. "Y/N, I'm sorry. I was being an asshole."

You glanced up at him. "You were."

"But I hate it that we're like this."

"I know. I hate it, too." You looked down, your hand slowly inching towards his before hooking your pinky finger with his. "But you really piss me off sometimes."

He chuckled quietly, moving to wrap an arm around your shoulder, his fingers landing on your other side, drumming on the side of your thigh. "I'm really sorry if I was being insensitive."

"And crass..."

"And crass," he repeated.

"And a pervert –"

"You're pushing it, kitten." He poked your cheek with his index finger, but you caught the tip between your teeth without any significant force, but he still said, "Ow," to humor you. Or more to conceal the fact that the image of his finger anywhere near your mouth was making him feel things. Inappropriate ones.

You let go. "Am I though?"

He rolled his eyes, feigning annoyance. "Fine." But then, he turned serious. "Y/N, may I ask you something?"

"You're already asking."

Suguru clucked his tongue, but went ahead anyway. "I know what I said is idiotic, but you usually just laugh my words off. I mean..." He sighed. "Look, I need to understand why you were so mad at me. Somehow, it feels different. Like there's something you're not telling me."

"Because something is different, Suguru," you answered without missing a beat. "I think you and I both know that." You sat straight, meeting his ochre gaze. "I am aware of what you and my brother do. He tells me everything, and you're always just part of the narrative. Satoru took great care for me to just be aware of it in his own words and just that."

"You hate it."

"Beyond what I can tell you, but it's your life and it's none of my business what you do. I already told you this. It's not that I don't care, don't get me wrong, but to be honest with you, it feels different just hearing about it compared to actually seeing it for myself."

At that, he arched a brow at you. "In what way?" he asked, quick to add, "If you don't mind me asking."

You elbowed him on the rib, making him flinch in pain. "Kitten," he whined, grimacing.

"In a traumatic way, of course! Do you think I like watching someone else choking on your dick? Asswipe!" You shivered. "Imagine what that's gonna do to me if it were Toru! I'd probably fucking gouge my eyes out. Jesus!"

Someone else, he thought, your words repeating in his head. Else. That one word made all the difference in what you were explicitly saying to what you weren't. And perhaps he was crazy, but he couldn't feel but hyper-analyze everything you were saying to him.

"So, no, Suguru. I'm not one to watch."

"Huh."

"What?"

"Okay, I get it, kitten." His brows knit together as he looked at you, considering his next words very carefully, but ending up with another apology. "I'm sorry."

"You're forgiven."

He pouted at you then. "Next time I mess up, beat me up or something, just..." He looked you straight in the eyes with such intensity that made your mouth go dry. "Please don't ignore me like that. I'll take anything else but that."

"Nobara suggested I cut your hair."

"Go ham with it."

"Dumbass. As if I can take that. I love your hair."

He smirked at you "Just my hair?"

"Shut up. I wanna go home." You rolled your eyes, playfully shoving him as you awkwardly climbed your way into the front seat, making him shake his head as you moved forward.

You really shouldn't have done that.

TAG LIST: @lilc77 @strxkbylightning @lavender-hvze @maya-maya-56 @kibananya @nerdisthenewcool @darkstarlight82 @lysaray @ti-mame @ri-sa20 @diogodxlot @starlightanyaaa @sugurubabe @guacam011y @yeehawslap @luvvmae

© ORIGINAL WORK BY nanaminokanojo. CHARACTERS ARE INSPIRED BY GEGE AKUTAMI’S “JUJUTSU KAISEN”. [20240522]

PHOTOS/IMAGES/GIF/FANART/ANY MEDIA CREDITS GO TO THE RESPECTIVE OWNERS.

[sonder-paradise]

𝐋𝐚𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐫𝐲 𝐃𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐭 & 𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐕𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐫 — 𝐌𝐢𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐲𝐚 𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢

◊ characters. mitsuya takashi, gn!reader

◊ wc. 1k

➺ 𝘪𝘮·𝘱𝘶𝘭·𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘥𝘫. 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘳 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵

𝘔𝘪𝘵𝘴𝘶𝘺𝘢 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘶𝘭𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦. 𝘏𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵.

Mitsuya doesn’t consider himself impulsive. 

He’s calm, collected, passive even. He thinks through his movements, his actions, everything. He plans and double checks. It's out of habit mostly. Years of being an older brother, a mentor, a designer, have crafted him into a precise and composed person. 

And then you came along. 

“Hey, I’m your new neighbor,” you said with a grin, hand outstretched as you offered him a simple handshake. Mitsuya flashes you that signature smile of his and takes your hand in his. You’re warm. His hands are chilly in comparison. Having been lost in his current project, his hands had grown cold from the open window. 

“Mitsuya Takashi. It’s nice to meet you.” 

And then you smiled and he felt his stomach warp and flip. He wished you wouldn’t let go of his hand just so he could feel your warmth a little longer. 

“You as well. It was a pleasure meeting you, Mitsuya.”

His eyes follow you down the hall. He counts the doors carefully till you reach the first, second, then third—no—fourth door. Mitsuya shuts the door behind him, hand reaching up to settle above his eyes before dragging down to cover his mouth. An exhale leaves him before he heads back to his work area to continue his project. 

He leans back against his chair, rocking against it before glancing out the window. It’s been a while since he moved out of the apartment with his sisters and mother. In moments like these, when it’s quiet and the word seems so distant, he wonders if it’s a good thing. He stares at the light fabric in his hands. Fingers running through it before he looks back at his initial design sketched out on the notepad next to him. 

It didn’t look right. 

It didn’t feel right.  

This sketch had been too rushed, too… 

The word alluded him as he reached over to turn the notepad over. As he did so, the mug of coffee next to it tumbled over and onto the light-colored fabric he had been working on. A string of curses fell from his lips. He immediately went to his feet, wiping down the coffee and eventually assessing the large and visible stain on his newest project. 

It seemed unsalvageable now. He handled the fabric slowly, scanning for any other stains or abnormalities. Eventually, he let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair and grabbing his keys. Maybe a good wash would fix it up. 

The laundry room under his apartment complex was always poorly lit and filled with a puddle or two. He was used to this sort of environment. He used to take Luna and Mana to a laundromat just like this when he was still in high school. There was one other person in the room. Mitsuya blinked a couple times before spotting you leaning against the washer, scrolling on your phone. 

“We meet again,” he said, hand in his pocket while his free one cradled his project. 

You looked up, pulling out one of your ear pieces to look at him. Then a grin sprouted on your face. “Mitsuya, right? What brings you down here to the lint-filled dungeons?” 

He raises the white fabric with the obvious coffee stain on it. 

“I had a little spill.” 

You stood a little straighter, moving closer to look at the bundle of fabric in his arms. He offered it to you and you held it so delicately he could have sworn you already knew of its importance to him. 

“Is this your girlfriend’s or something?” 

As you unraveled the coffee-stained project, it unfolded to reveal the rough beginning of a dress. He placed a curious look on his face before realizing. 

“Oh, no!” he said, a light snort escaping him as he looked down for a moment, “It’s just a design I was working on this morning.”

Your eyes widened a moment as you handed it back to him. “Wow, you’re a designer? That’s impressive.”

“Not as impressive as you’d think, honestly,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m still trying to get my name out there. This… was supposed to be for a show I managed to get in. But I’m thinking of just trashing it.”

He stared at the dress, a frown creasing on his features as he traced his fingers over the coffee-stain. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump all that on you,” he said quickly, flashing you an awkward smile. 

You shake your head. “Nah, you’re fine. I’m always happy to listen to someone who needs an ear.” Mitsuya watches as you motion towards the project in his arms. “I’m no fashion connoisseur, but… I think you should give it another shot. This one already looks really well-done.”

Mitsuya feels his stomach flip-flop again when you flash him another smile. 

“Besides,” you continued, “it looks like you put a lot of work into it already.”

The lavender-haired man laughed, shaking his head. “Quite the opposite actually. I drew up the sketch for this one too… impulsively.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” you shrugged, a smile still strung upon your lips, “Maybe get to know the design a little more.” 

Mitsuya stared down at the design. He thought about the notepad upstairs and the rough outlines he’d so hurriedly gone over while commuting to work. He chuckled, tilting his head slightly as locked eyes with you. 

“Maybe you’re right… Though, it doesn’t change the fact there’s coffee all over it right now.” 

You rolled your eyes, patting his arm heartily as your dryer pinged to alert them of its completion. “I got the perfect cleaning solution for you. Let me grab my laundry and I’ll show you the miracles of detergent and white vinegar.” 

𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫: 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚��𝐡 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐢𝐭𝐲

[tastefulsimp]

A Quiet Evening

I’ve never written anything like this before, but I needed some writing practice, and I cannot get Hazbin Hotel out of my head. I wanted to explore his complexity and write something that aligned with his character, our oh-so-scary-and-charming peepaw.

I’ve heard that some ace folks have an interest in reading romance and spice as a way to access certain emotions. I relish the idea of Alastor enjoying a romance novel from time to time. (and yes, the quotes from the book are really in the book) female reader | not spicy | tension

— Prologue

In life, Alastor always loved a good book. John Steinbeck, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and H.P. Lovecraft were among his favorites. But, the radio demon had a soft spot for a the author Elinor Glyn. While he was out running some errands this morning, he spotted a copy of "It" and Other Stories in the window of a book shop.

It had been so long since he enjoyed a good book. Most of the hotel crew would be out with the provocative one and his explosive friend tonight anyway. A quiet evening accompanied by a good book did sound quite lovely.

Once he finished his hotelier duties, he asked poured himself a glass of Sazerac, tuned the lobby radio to some jazz and swing at a low volume, and settled into the sofa.

He forgot how much he enjoyed a good read. In fact, the film adaptation of “It” was one of the only films he had seen while he was alive. Mimzy dragged him along to a showing one evening. In truth, he never cared much for the medium, but the story was entertaining at least. And, anything is enjoyable in good company.

“I should lend this to Rosie” he thought as he crept through pages of the novel, “she would enjoy this character’s— what does she call it? Ah, yes.. moxie.”

— Part 1

Emerging from your bedroom, you’re confused to find silence in the hotel. Your lively group of sinners must have left for the club already. Feeling a bit relieved, that you’re no longer required to socialize, you make for your bedroom once again. The faintest sound of music hits your ears just before you cross the doorway.

When you became a guest after the last Extermination Day, no one knew what to expect. Charlie was elated to have two fresh faces join the crew. But, after your counterpart bailed in the first week, you were the only remaining new guest.

As you approach the end of the hallway, the sound of swing music is grows louder with each step. Quietly descending the stairs into the lobby, you’re surprised to see Alastor relaxing on the sofa, reading a book in the dimly lit room.

You couldn’t help but be curious about Alastor. You knew the stories of the Radio Demon, and you saw the broadcast of their fight with Heaven. He was scary, sinister, and powerful… yet he had been nothing but kind to you so far.

Quietly approaching the lobby sofa, Alastor doesn’t seem to notice your presence. You peek over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of what title has him so invested. Your eyes catch on the sentence: “John was aware of the sex magnetism in her. He instantly wanted to kiss those cherry lips…”

Your breath caught in your throat as you realized, Alastor was reading romance..? There’s no way. Peeking again, you scan the page, your eyes landing on the words “analyzed, dissected, and stripped her.”

Yep. That’s a romance novel.

Alastor cleared his throat and stretched his collar just a bit. You watched, bewildered as he turned his head toward you with a smirk. “You’re not a very good spy, you know” Alastor quipped.

“I’m sorry,” You replied sheepishly. “I didn’t realize anyone else was still here.”

“I thought the very same.” He said, eyes returning to his book. You crossed over to the arm chair across from him and took a seat.

“Not up for a night on the town, my dear?” he said casually, glancing at you over the top of his book. He had traded his monocle for a pair of reading glasses, he was wearing a tied red silk house coat over his white button up, and some loafers. He looked so relaxed, you thought.

“Not really my thing, honestly.” you say, your eyes never meeting his, “It’s loud, it smells, and I can get a better buzz here anyway.” He lowers the book slightly to reveal his signature smile.

“Hm. I often wonder how you ended up down here, Miss ___,” Alastor jokes. You laugh, “My ticket to hell may have been coated in blood, but those petty sins have never been my style,” you reply smirking at him.

“What are you reading?” you ask, crossing one leg over the other in your seat. His eyes trace over your outstretched leg, before meeting yours once again. “Elinor Glyn. A novel called, It” he replied in a dry tone.

“What’s it about?” you asked, thumbing through the redemption lesson plans that were strewn across the end table next to you. His eye twitches. He let out a big sigh, “I was rather enjoying my solitude.” He shifts in his seat a bit.

“Is that all you were enjoying, Alastor?” you teased.

“I suppose I was enjoying the music as well, my dear” he replied, meeting your eyes over the top of his book once again.

“Oh, yes it’s lovely. But, I figured you were enjoying her cherry lips, or maybe her… sex magnetism.” You smirked at him. Annoyance washed over Alastor’s face as his eyes shifted back to his book, and closing it sharply.

“Ah, so you were spying on me.” He places the book down on the couch and rises to his feet. He grabs his glass of Sazerac and slowly starting toward you, static rising in his voice. “Perhaps it’s time you learn your place, Miss ___”

Panic floods your body as the Radio Demon approaches you, static in the air growing stronger. His pupils turn into black dials and he emits a glowing green aura. He could kill you right now.

You uncross your legs, and shift nervously, backing up slightly into your chair as he steps closer, and closer. Despite your fear, a depraved thought crossed your mind. This was kind of hot. NO! It’s not the time for that.

His faces is inches away from yours now, you can feel his breathing, and he can certainly feel your hitched breaths, but you never break the gaze you both hold. Within a millisecond its over. His eyes return to their normal round saucers, and the static dissipates from the air. “Do you understand, my dear?” he asks in a low voice.

His eyes stay locked on yours as he speaks, making your body tense. Are you seriously turned on by this situation?? This close to him, you realize he’s wearing a woody, citrus scent, and it smells incredible. You feel your face begin to grow hot, as a blush reaches your cheeks.

“Yes, sir.” you respond feigning innocence, giving him your best doe eyes.

“Good girl.” he pats your head then turns around to grab his book. “That was a lovely chat, Miss ____.” he says turning slightly to smirk at you, “sleep well.”

Another depraved thought crossed your mind, and this time you headed straight for the bar.

[emotionallychargedtowel]

The psychological paradoxes of Utsukushii Kare, part 1: Covert grandiosity and finding status through idealization

I’ve had some thoughts about Utsukushii Kare bouncing around in my head since the end of season 2. I started to post about them back then but my first attempts stalled out. Maybe the ideas involved were too complex, or I just needed to let them marinate a bit longer. I tried to give up on getting them on “paper,” but they just wouldn’t leave me alone. Eventually I returned to them and everything clicked. This is part one of my attempt to get those ideas down. After a ridiculous amount of tinkering, it seems like the right time to let it see the light of day. Subsequent posts are in different stages of readiness as well.

I wouldn’t have finished this without copious encouragement and feedback from @lurkingshan and specific edits from @wen-kexing-apologist. A kind comment from @nieves-de-sugui was a shot in the arm. And I’m always indebted to @porridgefeast for support, encouragement, and cute animal content.

I’ve written a lot about this series in the past; refer to my Utsukare master post for a continuously updated list. This includes some related posts on pursuer/distancer dynamics and attachment style in the series that have some overlap with what I’m discussing here, but this post should also stand on its own quite well.

A few things to note at the outset:

My focus here is on the series (both seasons), but I will refer to the movie, the novel, and a couple of vignettes when they illustrate points that are consistent with and relevant to the series.

My approach in this series of posts involves viewing fictional characters the way I would if they were real people--a bit like if I were to do a case conceptualization of a potential client. This isn’t always the approach I use, or the best one, but I thought it was a good fit for what I wanted to discuss here.

Quotes will be cited, but general information on sources will be given at the end of the post.

Now, to get down to business.

* * * * * * *

I’ve seen a lot of commentary from other Utsukare fans about Hira and Kiyoi and how much their self-worth–and the lack thereof–impacts their relationship. It’s a clear theme and lots of folks have had salient insights about it. But one thing I haven’t seen in any of the posts I’ve read is a full acknowledgement of the duality at play there–the way that both characters sometimes believe, or at least fear, that they’re irredeemably awful and at the same time believe, or perhaps hope, that they are better than everyone else.

I’m sure someone reading this is thinking, “Kiyoi is like that, sure. But Hira? Thinking he’s superior? Come on.” I get that it isn’t always apparent. In a genre that loves to portray profoundly smitten, devoted characters, Hira stands out as intensely, even excessively, whipped. But yes, Hira totally sees himself as superior to others in some important ways. Even before Noguchi Hiromi took his inventory about this so mercilessly, there were plenty of other signs.

covert grandiosity and idealization

Our introduction to Hira is his description of the “pyramid” social structure he experiences at school and how he’s at the lowest level of that pyramid (invisible at best, a visible target at worst). At first glance, this seems self-deprecating. But Hira is just describing where he falls in the structure, not endorsing the structure or his place in it. This sets up an important distinction that comes up continually in Hira’s thinking. Sometimes he really thinks badly of himself. But other times, he’s reporting how, in his view at least, others think of him. Sometimes he’s resigned to the ways others see him, but other times, he rebels against them. He doesn’t always make it clear which of these things he’s doing at a given time, but if you know what to look for it starts to be easier to pick out.

Mind you, it’s still very clear that there are ways in which Hira does view himself extremely negatively. His belief that he’s unworthy of Kiyoi is particularly strong. It inspires a lot of demeaning metaphors about himself, like calling himself a “pebble.” His belief in his unworthiness is linked to the belief that Kiyoi can’t possibly return his feelings or that if he does, it’s a bizarre miracle that can’t possibly last over the long term. The most remarkable thing about this belief is its incredible persistence, even in the face of example after example of evidence that Kiyoi loves and values him too and wants them to stay together. But denigrating himself in this context has a different meaning from what it would in others, as I'll get into in more detail shortly.

It’s a pretty universal human tendency to pay more attention to information that confirms our biases than information that challenges them. We’re also hard-wired to be more attentive to perceived threats (including threats to our sense of self-worth) than we are to less threatening things (and ideas). Both of these tendencies contribute to the fact that most of us fail to notice when our negative beliefs are being disproven.

I’ll be discussing this in more depth in part 2, but for now, I’ll just say that resistance to disproving a negative belief is very normal, but Hira’s stubbornness is way beyond what’s typical. He continually misinterprets or simply ignores clear signs of Kiyoi’s interest in and regard for him. I mean, most of us, no matter how poor our self-esteem is, no matter how jaded and pessimistic we are, would, if kissed by someone we’re in love with, at least entertain the possibility that they might like us a little bit. Not only does Hira not consider this possibility, he comes up with the rather bizarre interpretation that the graduation day kiss was Kiyoi’s way of telling him to leave him alone.

So, why would anyone be as stubbornly negative on this point as Hira is? Part of it is the strength of his negative beliefs and the degree of his bias. But there’s another reason as well, one I’m going to circle back to in a moment.

First, let’s look at Noguchi’s assessment of Hira in season 2, episode 4, which is very pertinent here. Talking about Hira’s submission to the Young Photographica contest, Noguchi says:

It was such a childish photo. You should've just chosen an empty place rather than erasing people. Going out of your way to [erase] people made it very clear that you hate this world. What I felt from your photo was tremendous selfishness and disgust. You haven't succeeded at all, but you think you're amazing. But instead of showing it outright, you make a shell by belittling yourself. You look down on this world with youth, stupidity, and ambiguity….You're just like the old me.

(dialogue from Viki subtitles)

It’s a little bit of a stretch, I think, to suggest that Noguchi can really tell all of this just by looking at a single photo (or even Hira’s entire portfolio). I think this partly happens just for the convenience of the story. But if I had to justify it, I’d say Noguchi has this much insight because, as he says, he used to be like Hira, making this a “takes one to know one” situation.

Hira confirms that Noguchi is correct here. “It’s like he sees right through me,” he thinks. So how do we reconcile this with Hira’s apparent negative self-image? Well, first off, it’s not unusual at all for very negative and excessively positive beliefs about the self to coexist in the same person. Take narcissism for example. People tend to think of narcissists as grandiose, thinking they’re amazing and special to a degree that’s clearly distorted. And that is one of the key symptoms of narcissism. But it’s also typical for narcissists to believe that if they aren’t remarkably special, they’re totally worthless. They have a hard time sitting with moderate (hence realistic) beliefs about themselves.

This kind of narcissistic tendency is really strong in people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but it’s present in a milder version in a lot of people (I suspect it’s present in most people, to some extent and under certain circumstances). Narcissistic personality traits are supposed to be linked to getting stuck at a developmental stage that ideally gets worked through during childhood. But a lot of us have at least a little bit of unfinished business from that period. I think Hira has a ton of unresolved stuff in this area. I definitely don’t think he would meet criteria for NPD. But I think that when he was in that developmental stage, he came up with some maladaptive strategies that helped him to get through it. As a result, he didn’t get stuck in the full-blown grandiose version of NPD, but he did get stuck with those maladaptive strategies, and they became a part of his personality instead. And he did retain 1) some of that highly polarized idea of self-worth (“I’m either the best ever or complete garbage”) and 2) some degree of belief in his superiority to others, no matter how shameful he finds it or how carefully he conceals it.

It’s also worth noting here that adolescents aren’t typically supposed to be diagnosed with personality disorders and even diagnosing young adults is often discouraged. This is because adolescence and early adulthood are times of intense change and development and the natural process of maturing can cause personality disorder symptoms to resolve even without mental health treatment. So that’s yet another reason to be wary of labeling Hira with any such diagnosis. This points to a major theme of the show, which is the fact that the central characters are works in progress. They aren’t fully formed adults yet, and that gives them a chance to improve themselves before they become set in their ways.

Getting back to Noguchi’s points: Hira is pretty misanthropic, although it’s often shown in pretty subtle ways in the show. This aspect of Hira is more noticeable in the novel. For one thing, the novel establishes early on that the erasing-people-from-photos thing isn’t some new or isolated phenomenon. Rather, the main thing Hira does with his camera at the beginning of the story is to intentionally take photos of populated areas and then carefully photoshop out all of the people. And it’s explicitly because he dislikes, even hates, most of humanity. This tendency still comes through in the series. Sometimes it’s obvious–remember those mass shooting fantasies?--and other times, it’s more subtle. We know that this aspect of the character is definitely still present in the series version of Hira since he confirms what Noguchi says about how his photo shows “selfishness and disgust.” He really is disgusted by many of the people around him.

making a shell - perfectionism and covert grandiosity

What about the part of Noguchi’s spiel where he says that Hira “make[s] a shell by belittling [himself]?” It took me some thinking to realize what (in my view) he meant by that.

This actually syncs up really well with something Noguchi says about Hira in Utsukushii Kare: Eternal. It’s illuminating enough that I’m making an exception here to confining myself to the time period of the series.

In this scene, Kiyoi is scheduled to be photographed by Noguchi on a day that Hira isn’t present at his studio. He asks about Hira and he and Noguchi talk about him briefly. Hearing that Kiyoi was Hira’s high school classmate, Noguchi talks about how weird and confining high school is, a terrible “environment for growth.” He says that doesn’t apply to Hira, though, because he’s “a king in sheep’s clothing.” This catches Kiyoi’s attention. “I was just thinking that you understand him really well,” he tells Noguchi. “I do,” Noguchi replies. “Although he looks timid and weak, he’s actually really strong.”

As Noguchi continues, his comments become more metaphorical and get harder to understand. (I suspect that the metaphors he uses might be idiomatic or otherwise intelligible to a Japanese audience in a way that’s difficult to get across in translation.) The gist is that he sees Hira as “strong-minded,” but that “in his heart” he has a kind of “sanctuary” that he protects from others, and that this could end up either holding Hira back or being something he can use to get somewhere in life. I’m not sure what to make of the sanctuary part, but it’s clear that Noguchi understands that Hira has thoughts and emotions that he doesn’t share with anyone, and that his image as a “sheep” who is “timid and weak” masks an unseen strength and determination, along with a more king-like attitude toward the world than he typically shows to others.

Time for a quick psychological theory sidebar, this time on perfectionism.

Some researchers who study perfectionism have identified a type they call “narcissistic perfectionism.” Narcissistic perfectionists think that they are, or need to be, perfect, and they expect others to be the same way, thinking about them in highly negative ways if they don’t measure up. If you read about this idea, most of the examples given to illustrate it are people who have achieved a lot in their lives, who can point to big accomplishments. But perfectionism doesn’t always result in achievements. Sometimes it keeps people stuck in a mindset that anything but perfection is pointless, making them reluctant to really try to do anything at all. If you’re a perfectionist who has a need to believe you’re special, that you would achieve big things if you tried, actually trying means taking a risk that you’ll find out that when you try, the results aren’t actually perfect and amazing.

According to narcissistic thinking, this would mean that you’re worthless, because the options are either being the best or being complete garbage. Again, I think it’s an overstatement and an oversimplification to call Hira a narcissist, but he has unresolved self-worth baggage that takes a somewhat narcissistic shape. In this way, he shows a kind of perfectionism that seems clearly underpinned by his self-worth issues. Instead of fueling achievements, this perfectionism keeps him stuck, inactive, too afraid to attempt what he thinks he might be able to do while clinging to a fantasy of what he could do if he ever got un-stuck and really tried.

That’s usually a secret. Remember when Hira didn’t make it through the first cut of the contest? He thought, “Even though I always deny it out loud, I did think photography was the one thing I can do. It felt like I was being ripped apart for being conceited" (dialogue from a fansub by @lollipopsub). The fact that he would "deny it out loud" is notable. I also think that he’s still not being entirely candid. If he thought “photography was the one thing [he] can do,” that wouldn’t exactly be “conceited”--it would actually be quite modest (about photography) and harshly self-critical (about everything else). I think deep down he has thoughts that are truly conceited, thoughts that he’s not just competent when it comes to photography, but “amazing,” as Noguchi puts it. Once again, Hira confirms everything Noguchi said with his “he sees right through me” reaction, so he agrees with this assessment.

This conceited side of Hira is never supposed to see the light of day. This is the main reason he’s so intensely embarrassed when Noguchi understands him so well, I think. It’s what Noguchi is talking about when he says that Hira “make[s] a shell by belittling [him]self.” Acting as if he’s the lowest of the low is a defense. It does correspond to the part of himself that fears, at times even believes, that he’s worthless. But it’s also a way of hiding his grandiose side. This is a way of protecting himself from the reaction others would have if they could see how highly he thinks of himself despite not having made enough effort to accomplish the sorts of things he thinks he’s capable of. It’s also a way of protecting himself from his own awareness of his shortcomings and pretensions.

There’s another type of perfectionism researchers have identified, called “covert perfectionism,” in which the person’s outward expectations of others are low and they don’t show their perfectionistic traits outwardly very much, if at all. They’re supposed to be more likely than some types to get trapped in the kind of stuckness I mentioned earlier, in which perfectionism prevents the person from making a real effort at things they would like to do well. In some important ways, Hira’s perfectionism resembles this type as well. You could say that his type of perfectionism has definite narcissistic attributes, but he hides it well enough that it is also covert.

A number of different articles on perfectionism that I looked at cited the same Brene Brown quote about it, from her book The Gifts of Imperfection. I think it’s very salient here. She writes:

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.

This is very characteristic of Hira. He doesn’t expect to “look perfect” in most respects (he’s more likely to simply try to go unnoticed). But he is obsessed with avoiding those painful emotions. He has spent his entire life being shamed and judged and living in fear of it happening still more. He’s very strategic and has given a lot of thought to how best to avoid being shamed. In fact, these efforts seem to be part of the reason he is such an avid observer of the social structures around him–learning about those structures is a survival skill for him.

idealization and affiliation: borrowing status

In addition to factoring in his covert grandiosity, I think there’s something else to account for when looking closely at Hira’s apparent self-hatred. Hira’s self-critical tendencies can appear inflated if we lump examples that pertain to his relationship with Kiyoi in with other cases. They should actually be looked at separately, because their meanings are distinctly different. Again, I don’t contest that Hira has a low opinion of himself in a lot of respects. But I think when we step back and look at many of the biggest examples of what appears to be a negative view of himself, a lot of them are focused on where he stands in relation to Kiyoi. That’s not the same thing as his value as a person. And placing himself in a certain role in relation to Kiyoi has a specific kind of meaning for him, along with a specific kind of payoff.

Here comes another theoretical interlude. This time, I’m going to briefly touch on Heinz Kohut’s idea of the need for idealization.

Kohut was the originator of a school of thought called self psychology, a branch of psychoanalysis that underpins a lot of contemporary psychoanalytic/psychodynamic theory and practice. He was also an expert on narcissism and basically saw variations and degrees of narcissism as central to a lot of psychological challenges. (There’s some reason to believe Kohut may himself have had narcissistic personality disorder, which would have made him intimately familiar with its inner workings.)

Kohut’s self psychology departed from Freud’s whole psychosexual development model (basically, everyone’s least favorite aspect of Freudianism—the part with all the penis envy and Oedipal stuff and so forth). In its place, self psychology focuses on how we see ourselves, what our needs are in terms of self-image, and other matters that are very relevant to this discussion. One of Kohut’s most important insights was his observation that even when other people have a big impact on our psychological state, what we’re interacting with isn’t so much the other person themselves but our internalized idea of that person. Kohut called internalized versions of people and things from our external world “selfobjects.” (I’ll be circling back to this momentarily.)

One of Kohut’s most central concepts is idealization. In Kohut’s version of idealization, a person views someone else as basically perfect, maybe even omnipotent. The idealized person becomes a special kind of selfobject. In the best case scenario, the person doing the idealizing has some kind of real, personal connection to the idealized person. But even a mental connection to them via their status as a selfobject can meet a need in some ways.

By feeling connected to, or even just affiliated with, the idealized person, the idealizer feels like they take on some degree of the qualities they see in the idealized person. It’s not hard to see how this tendency would date back to childhood. Children have a particular need to idealize their parents at certain stages in their development. Thinking of their parents as strong, capable, in control, wise, calm, etc. gives children a sense of safety and a sort of borrowed self-esteem.

Once you’ve idealized someone, you feel a real need to continue to see them as special and powerful. Again, childrens’ views of their parents are a good example here. One reason children often blame themselves when they are neglected or abused is because they have a strong need to continue to view their parents favorably. Without that favorable view of their parent, their world would seem chaotic and dangerous. Blaming themselves often seems safer. Here, maintaining the high status of the idealized person is so important that it’s a bigger priority than preserving self-worth.

I bet you can guess where I’m going with this. Yep, Hira idealizes Kiyoi in the Kohutian sense of the word. There are a number of facets of this. Part of it involves viewing Kiyoi as basically perfect–outstanding in every way. Even when Hira sees Kiyoi as cruel, he seems to view this as an ideal attribute for someone like Kiyoi.

Hira not only states that he thinks of Kiyoi as “like a God" in season 1, episode 6, he frequently expects Kiyoi to have god-like qualities and abilities. In one of Nagira Yuu's shorter pieces about Hira and Kiyoi that's told from Hira's perspective, he's explicit about this. "Kiyoi's existence is already in a much higher dimension than human beings," he thinks. "Is he the successful fusion of deity and human? That is the big question" ("Wonderful World," as translated by @sparkling-rain). At points during the series, he expects Kiyoi to have a superhuman degree of freedom to do anything he wishes and to know things that would require him to read Hira's mind. He really does treat him as if he’s practically omnipotent.

Hira's idealization of Kiyoi has a number of implications. One is that Hira misunderstands the social structure at his school. He views Kiyoi as the unquestioned king and doesn’t see that in many ways, Kiyoi makes choices about how to behave in school out of a desire to stay on the good side of bullies like Shirota. This fundamental misunderstanding in turn makes it impossible for Hira to notice or understand all the ways Kiyoi tries to protect him at school. If Kiyoi were really at the peak of the school hierarchy, if he wanted to be nice to Hira, he would just do it. But because he has to maintain a certain image in order to keep himself safe, he has to help Hira in covert ways. For example, when Kiyoi admonishes Yoshida not to order Hira around or use his demeaning, ableist nickname, he makes it seem like he just wants Hira to be at his beck and call, which wouldn’t be possible if he were occupied doing tasks for others. But if that were the case, why would he object to Yoshida using the nickname? For that matter, why doesn’t Kiyoi ever use the nickname himself? (He says it aloud in his exchange with Yoshida, but he never actually uses it to address Hira.) If Hira weren’t so invested in the idea of Kiyoi’s supreme power, he might have noticed these disparities between his narrative and reality within the story.

In season 2, the fact that Hira is both someone who has a relationship with Kiyoi and at the same time is a fan of Kiyoi as a performer points out another aspect of idealization. While I’ve never seen Kohut’s concept of idealization applied to fandom, I think there’s at least a variation of it at play when we feel comforted by, or as if we gain status from, being a fan of a person (or a group, piece of media, etc.) that we see as special or powerful. When we get excited because the sports team we root for does well or our favorite actor wins an award or is in a movie or show that does well, I think we’re experiencing a kind of gratification based on a selfobject that we feel is ideal in some way. Our status as fans gives us an affiliation that feels similar to a real connection. (Parasocial relationships are related to this as well–something that’s likely to resonate with those of us who participate in BL fandom, where examples of parasocial relationships abound.)

So both as a fan and as a classmate, then a (sort of) friend, then a boyfriend, Hira gets a great deal of satisfaction and happiness from idealizing Kiyoi and feeling like he has a kind of tie to him. This is completely interwoven with the love he feels for Kiyoi in the beginning. But it also makes it very difficult for him to acknowledge the ways in which Kiyoi doesn’t actually resemble his initial, idealized selfobject of him. Kiyoi isn’t omnipotent. He was never actually the most powerful person in their high school class. In many ways, he’s actually a better person than his selfobject version. Although Kiyoi isn’t the nicest person ever, he’s not nearly as cruel as the cold, imperious figure Hira paints him as.

Sometimes Hira chooses this selfobject over Kiyoi the human being, and Kiyoi knows it. In season 1, episode 4, when Hira starts to get close to Kiyoi but then backs off, protesting that he’s just a “servant” and Kiyoi is his “king,” Kiyoi responds by telling him (in the Viki subtitle translation), “I don’t care if you chase your ideal of me, but leave the real me alone.” This dynamic, of course, is a huge theme in their relationship that continues all the way to the end of season 2 and beyond.

Those are some of the ways in which Hira insists on maintaining his idealized selfobject of Kiyoi. But there’s another way he clings to this idealization, which I think is harder to see at first: in order for Kiyoi to be elevated, Hira has to be beneath him. This is actually one of the most paradoxical parts of this paradoxical structure, because in Hira’s view, he has to be beneath Kiyoi in order for Kiyoi to be exalted, but by exalting Kiyoi, Hira’s status is raised. It sounds strange at first, but it’s not a new idea. The notion of humbly dedicating oneself to someone or something that you uphold as an ideal sounds like an act of self-abnegation, but in the minds of those who take on such a role, by affiliating themselves with this perfect person or thing, some of the magical aura of that perfection rubs off on them.

It’s a bit like members of the clergy in the past (in a Christian/European context), who were known to humble themselves completely, taking vows of poverty, depriving themselves in various ways, even mortifying their flesh. Through these humbling acts, these people were seen by themselves and others as closer to God than an ordinary person, potentially as a channel to God–even as someone who could actually speak for God. By humbling themselves and exalting their ideal, they became something greater than they would ever have been capable of being on their own. Hira’s approach is remarkably similar. In keeping with his description of Kiyoi as a kind of god, he talks about wanting to be a “nun.” (As I understand it, he’s describing a role more like that of a shrine maiden in Shintoism than a nun in any Christian tradition, but there’s enough similarity in those roles to justify the translation.) Basically, if you make your ideal person perfect enough, then even being their servant gives you a lot of status, especially if you’re their most devoted, indispensable servant.

I’m reminded of a passage from the novel here. In the novel version of the story, Kiyoi visits Hira at his new home. A different situation than the one in the series has led to him living alone for the first time, and as in the series, Kiyoi uses his need for a rehearsal space as an excuse to visit Hira there. The situation is somewhat different from the series, but similar in essentials. Hira and Kiyoi have a conversation that leads to an exchange that is equivalent to the conversation that takes place right after the finger incident in the series. In the novel, this scene is portrayed from Kiyoi’s point of view; anything in italics is his internal dialogue. (The ellipsis below is mine.)

‘What am I to you?’

‘The person I love most in the word.’

It was this firm response that gave Kiyoi courage.

‘Then, do you want to date me?’

Kiyoi felt his face burning. Just say yes. If you do, I’ll be able to be honest too. Kiyoi’s heart was pounding as he waited for Hira’s answer, but the answer he got was something that he hadn’t expected.

‘I don’t want to.’

Kiyoi blinked.

‘Why?’

…

‘Because you’re the king.’

‘Huh?’

Kiyoi’s eyes blinked even faster than before.

‘I mean…Kiyoi is like a king, and I’m merely an ordinary person who serves the king; it’s not like I do it out of obligation, but in my mind, I view myself as Captain Duck…Ah, by Captain Duck, I’m referring to a yellow toy in the shape of a duck that children play with in swimming pools or bathtubs, you know?’

–I know, but what does that have to do with it?

Not caring about Kiyoi, who wanted to ask something, Hira continued to explain about the duck. He kept babbling on and on about how Captain Duck once used to float in the sewage and was now proudly floating down a golden river as a prestigious toy of the king, and it was very satisfied with its current life.

(from this section of White Lotus’s novel translation)

Hira is explicit here about the servant/king relationship he envisions for himself and Kiyoi. But the rubber duck imagery is even more telling. Being a cheap toy, an inanimate object of so little value that it’s almost disposable, is more than enough for Hira as long as he can be associated with Kiyoi–if he can be ‘a prestigious toy of the king.’ Just belonging to Kiyoi, even (or especially?) as an insignificant object, equates to ‘proudly floating down a golden river.’ Again, placing Kiyoi in an exalted position and then abasing himself (while maintaining a link to Kiyoi) is Hira’s way of using idealization to achieve a paradoxical kind of status.

The conflict over Hira’s unrelenting idealization of Kiyoi comes to a head in season 2 when Hira fails to understand why his comment about Kiyoi and his parents having “nothing to do with one another” was hurtful.

Kiyoi: Do you not get how I feel right now?

Hira: I don’t!

Kiyoi: Think about it! If you don’t get it, think! [tapping Hira on the head]

Hira: Sorry.

Kiyoi: I don’t want you to apologize.

Hira: But…you’re mad at me.

Kiyoi: It’s always like this. I get mad, and you take the blame. But in reality you just don’t get it!

Hira: No, I don’t! The stars in the sky and the ones watching them will never align!

Kiyoi: What does space have to do with it?!

Hira: Because you and I are completely different! We’re in different dimensions and on different paths. That’s why stars shine so brightly! If I try to touch it or to understand it, all I’ll do is pull the star down to my level! So what I’m saying is…in reality…I don’t…want to understand you.

(dialogue translated by @lollipopsub)

Hira makes this dynamic very explicit here. It’s not just that he thinks Kiyoi is superior and his role is to serve him. He’s determined to actively resist interacting with Kiyoi on an even playing field. It’s particularly clear when he says, “If I try to touch it or to understand it, all I’ll do is pull the star down to my level.” Seeing things from Kiyoi’s point of view or touching him–metaphorically, and in some ways literally–would “pull [Kiyoi] down to [Hira’s] level.” Instead of raising Hira’s status, this would degrade Kiyoi’s. The distance between Kiyoi and Hira–the lack of understanding and meaningful contact–is (from Hira’s perspective) a feature, not a bug. It’s integral to the gratification Hira experiences when he watches Kiyoi as if he were a star–something both beautiful and trillions of miles away.

One sign of the importance Hira places on Kiyoi’s exalted social status is how irritated, even livid, he gets when other people don’t recognize and behave in accordance with his views on the social hierarchy and where they stand in relation to Kiyoi.

For example, when Shirota and his friends make shitty comments about Kiyoi after he doesn’t win the contest, they’re obviously being assholes. But what bothers Hira most is that they are acting as if Kiyoi failing to win a highly competitive national contest means he’s beneath them, when in fact, it’s unlikely any of them would have qualified as contestants, much less made it to the finals like Kiyoi did. To Hira, it’s their lack of understanding of their place in the hierarchy, their lack of recognition that Kiyoi is above them, that is most damning. Which is legitimately infuriating–they’re being incredibly arrogant. But personally, I think it’s clearly more important that they’re being critical and dismissive of someone they claim is their friend right when he has just gone through something very disappointing. That’s not a big concern for Hira, though. In addition to deriving a kind of status from his association with Kiyoi, he also finds some satisfaction in knowing that while his status in relation to Kiyoi is low, at least he can correctly gauge where he stands, unlike others.

And he seems to relish not only correctly assessing his place in the world but also maintaining a particularly lowly role. This isn’t inherent to idealization, though as I’ll talk about further, this combination of factors isn’t unique to Hira by any stretch. I mentioned that Hira’s perfectionism, among other things, is a way of attempting to, as Brene Brown put it, “avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” Hira does have some grandiose beliefs about himself, but he also views himself as inferior in many ways. This tension creates the stuckness that often comes with perfectionism, and this blocks Hira from attaining goals that would fuel a more healthy kind of self-esteem. Gaining status through his association with an idealized version of Kiyoi gets around all of these problems.

Hira also seems to view his grandiose thoughts as a sort of jinx, a way of tempting fate. Think back again to his thoughts when he found out that he hadn’t made the first cut in the Young Photographica contest. “It felt like I was being ripped apart for being conceited.” In Hira’s world, having grandiose thoughts–or at least, buying into them–brings punishment. It’s better, and safer, to embrace total abjection. This is one more reason why it seems safest to put Kiyoi on a pedestal while placing himself in the most inferior position possible. At least, this seems safest until Hira realizes he could lose Kiyoi entirely if he doesn’t stop this destructive pattern.

When Hira does finally try to make a shift in how he relates to Kiyoi at the end of season 2, the big gesture he makes toward “look[ing] at [Kiyoi] straight on” is setting, then communicating, the goal of photographing Kiyoi in the role of professional photographer. This is a very appropriate way for him to make this move. Viewing Kiyoi more as an equal means having to relinquish some part of the status and self-worth he borrows from his idealized image of Kiyoi; this is the perfect time, then, for him to find some self-worth of his own by finally putting himself out there as a photographer and making a real effort to test his abilities.

That's it for this installment! I hope to get part 2 posted within the next week. Edited to add, four months later: That was a little unrealistic! But I'm determined to finish it off one of these days.

Edited to add:

Adding an edit here as I noticed what seems like a rather glaring omission. I failed to reference a scene that bears out a lot of what I have to say in this post. It happens when Hira is staying with Noguchi in Eternal. They have this exchange over ramen:

Noguchi: I was just like you in the past. All full of myself and thought that everything I saw was boring. I was always angry and all, "You're all worthless and should disappear!" Hira: I don't think we're alike at all, though. Noguchi: Having too much confidence and having too little confidence, they're two sides of the same paper in the sense that they're both signs of a damaged self-consciousness. Anything could make you switch sides at the drop of a hat.

(Emphasis mine.)

Citations for individual quotes are included with their respective quotes. The following sources were used:

When I quoted series dialogue, I used the wording @lollipopsub used in their (sadly no longer accessible in the US) fansub whenever possible. I lost access to this version so these quotes are from my notes.

I also quoted the Viki subs (which are good, just not quite as good as the ones @lollipopsub made) when needed. On one occasion I used the Viki version because it supported my point better.

When I quoted the novel, I quoted a fan translation by White Lotus featured on a site called Chrysanthemum Garden.

I also briefly quoted a short story translated by @sparkling-rain here.

When I quoted Eternal, I quoted a fansub that (at the subber’s request) will remain nameless.

[yuseirra]

Kamiki(+Ai) Mini-analysis

I feel the best part of this work comes from the psychological aspects, it's intriguing how real and complex it can get. It's honestly what's drew me in this time around, and I really hope they revert back to exploring things in relation to it after some dire events get resolved somehow.

Today I wrote a small anaysis of Kamiki's character since he tends to be a bit confusing at first glance: I can be wrong, of course, but I'm confident with my analysis regarding the emotional aspect of things. I felt it would be nice to bring up!

Honestly, I don’t think Kamiki is such a difficult character to understand regarding his mentality. His self-esteem is severely low, so he internalizes all the negative criticism and accusations thrown at him without resistance, accepting them as they are. In fact, he adds to it by blaming himself even more. Sometimes, he even goes out of his way to act in ways that invite misunderstandings. Since he’s already trapped in a state of self-loathing, the fact that he doesn’t bother to make excuses is just an extension of that.

He has an incredibly low opinion of himself. That's because he was constantly mistreated and never been properly loved all his life till Ai came along. At the same time, it’s not like he dislikes people… Ai, on the other hand, seemed to have some defensive feelings toward others, maybe even a little distaste for people (which, in a way, can act as a shield to protect oneself). But Kamiki? When someone comes to him, he’s just happy to have a shred of affection and, like a puppy, he eagerly follows along, giving everything he has. He’s been starved for love. Him trusting people so eagerly and easily—that’s where it comes from. His trust in Ryosuke and Nino is also rooted in this. Kamiki seems to genuinely like people. When he receives kindness, it makes him purely happy… he wants to believe in their good intent and think 'oh, they like it, so it's fine, right? It's a good thing if others are happy' But again and again, he’s taken advantage of and abandoned. And, at some point, he realized—even though it seemed like people cared about him, this wasn’t right. They just used him up and it wasn't real affection that he'd received. The real problem is with those who used him. If they had been decent people, this wouldn’t have happened… But when these things happen, instead of blaming others, he always turns the arrow on himself. His already low self-esteem sinks even lower, and he blames himself and hates himself even more. Ai, on the other hand, had enough of a backbone to protect herself by holding onto some anger toward others. So, even though she couldn’t quite love herself, she could still carry some pride and confidence, enough to live life on her own terms. But Kamiki? When something goes wrong, he blames himself. He tries to rationalize these sorts of situations by believing that it’s because he’s not good enough, or because he’s unworthy, that everyone leaves him. That’s also one of the reason why he lacks aggression—he always sees the fault within himself. Look at the flower bouquet incident. He probably wasn’t at fault at all, but because he bought the flowers, he lied at first and said it was his doing. The fact that it was a lie implies that the rest of what he said was likely the unfiltered truth. If he were truly guilty, the story would have ended in chapter 154, but it didn’t—there was more to it after that.

I’ve mentioned before that you have to dig deeper to understand the real intent behind his words. In chapter 153, he said he killed Ai.

In chapter 154, he changed his story, saying he only manipulated Ryosuke to scare her, but he never intended to kill her.

Then, in chapter 160, the tone softens again—he says he really just wanted to give her the bouquet. And this is the real truth.

What’s happening here is that he hates himself so much that he piles more blame on himself, amplifying his responsibility for what happened. He feels like the person he loved died because of him, and that’s why he can’t forgive himself… But the more he talks about Ai, the more sincere he becomes, gradually revealing his true feelings.

When it comes to attachment styles, Ai had some avoidant tendencies,

While Kamiki shows a lot of traits typical of anxious attachment.

Yet despite this, the two of them clearly got along well. I keep coming back to this, and there’s hardly any room to argue otherwise. The fact that Ai could think so highly of him is honestly so remarkable…

For someone with avoidant tendencies to say, 'I want to live with this person forever,' that means the other person was truly perfect and lovable in their eyes. That’s an incredibly strong bond. I wish people would recognize this... believe in that idea for once, They really did find a huge liking to each other, and that family Ai imagined WAS really possible. They would have built a nice and happy one. It wasn't a messed-up relationship they had. They are tragic because they could have been perfect.

Even though both of them had their own struggles, they were good people at heart, and they surely could have supported each other to live well together. The real problems came from the outside.

I wrote this up as I attempted to draw a piece earlier(going to complete it and post it today!) these are sort of the things that pass through my head when I draw things sometimes

I need to understand the psychology of these characters to at least some degree in order to portray them, I may not be perfect with these, but I really try!

[woodchipp]

A CRITIQUE OF OMORI, PART 3: MARI AND THE TRUTH

NOTE: Reader discretion is advised. By clicking on “Keep reading”, you willingly choose to continue reading the post.

OMORI spends a considerable amount of time trying to ingratiate you to Mari as a character. In Headspace, she plays a motherly role to Omori and the gang, providing endless positivity and advice to the party whenever they take a break at her picnic blanket; at one point, Kel even begs Hero not to tell Mari about him and Aubrey knocking Basil over the same way a child would beg someone else to not tell their mother after messing up. In the real world, everyone who knew her only ever speaks of her as being kind and gentle, and the official walkthrough guide even calls her “the glue that holds everyone together”.

As wholesome as all of that may seem at first glance, this is one of the main problems with Mari’s writing: the game tries to get you to love her so hard that it comes off as overly aggressive character shilling. For instance, during the second picnic Omori and his friends can have with Mari en route to Basil’s house, Basil wishes to be more like Mari and notes that she always seems to have everything under control, Hero compliments her on how she always makes everything look easy, and Aubrey describes her as "effortlessly graceful". As with Basil summing up each of the characters via flowers, the game spells out the character’s personality for you right at the start rather than allowing you to parse it for yourself over the course of the story.

[Pictured: complex and nuanced characterization.]

[How should I know? I literally just met her a few minutes ago.]

If the shilling had been limited to Headspace, it could’ve been a powerful narrative tool to show how much Sunny idolizes his big sister and foreshadow that his perception of her is unreliable. The problem is that what we learn about her in the real world reinforces said unreliable perception; as with the photo album and the main characters’ childhood, the narrative paints the real Mari as too impossibly perfect of a person to be remotely believable. Not only did she switch beds with her brother when the latter started to have difficulty falling asleep, she also let him sleep with her when he had nightmares, took the blame for him breaking one of their mother’s vases and even saved him from drowning once. She also bought Basil his signature photo album, bought Sunny a giant building block set as a gift for one of his birthdays, carried Sunny back home after he fell asleep on the bus, pitched in along with Sunny's other friends to buy him a violin for Christmas, was the perfect match for Hero and generally served as the group’s caring mother figure in the real world as well. C’mon, love her already!

Of course, such a flawless angel is too good for this sinful earth. That is why, after spending the entirety of its runtime building up to Mari having killed herself due to her own mental issues, the game pulls a last-minute plot twist and reveals that Sunny accidentally killed her by shoving her down the stairs during an argument they had over Sunny breaking his violin on the day of a recital they were to perform at. As evidenced by the datamined text from the “Truth” photo album, the game gives no consideration to Mari’s perspective on the matter and only focuses on Sunny’s feelings. It’s all about how he was overcome, how his fingers were shaking in pain and how he was sick of practicing over and over. How did Mari feel when she saw her brother destroy the fruit of her and his friends’ hard work in one fell swoop? How did she feel being perpetually dissatisfied with the waltz she obsessively practiced, trying to reach the unreachable standards she set for herself? These are questions the game doesn’t bother answering, because Sunny and his feelings are of central priority to the story at all times, even if it comes at the expense of other characters, their own feelings or even logic. 

(speaking of logic, the game never explains why Sunny and Mari were arguing at the top of the staircase in the first place. the piano room, which is most likely where the two practiced since Mari's piano is located there, is on the first floor of their house, while Photo of an Argument shows them them having said argument on the second one. peak writing)

Additionally, the story fails to properly establish just how strenuous violin practice was for Sunny. The only bit of set-up for the argument the game provides during the main story is Lost Library's “Saturday morning cartoons” book, which isn’t much and requires the player to make a giant leap from “Sunny doesn’t like violin practice because he misses out on watching cartoons with his friends” to “violin practice physically hurts Sunny and he resents Mari for her perfectionism”. Likewise, the narrative’s prior and consistent portrayal of Mari as flawless is incompatible with the plot twist’s insinuation that she overworked Sunny and was harsh on him when he made mistakes, which makes the twist feel even more inorganic than it already is.

If the game left the twist at Sunny shoving Mari down the stairs, that probably would’ve been enough. However, it subsequently inserts Basil into the scene, him having bore witness to the argument and Mari’s murder. This doesn’t make sense on a logistical level because the game never explains how Basil managed to get inside Sunny’s house and why he was there in the first place. Not only does Basil not try to call an ambulance/find the nearest adult to help, he comes up with a plan to cover up Mari’s murder by framing it as a suicide. Basil’s multi-step plan is not something one would come up with in a situation of high anxiety and stress: it feels nearly premeditated, and at no step of the way does Basil seem to have had second thoughts, like one would if they were acting irrationally. Furthermore, the sheer tonal dissonance created by the fact that Basil of all people came up with an idea this demented isn’t disturbing as much as it is absurd. It reeks of the writer assuming that a topic like murder instantly makes a story Deep and Complex without putting any thought into it, and it seems Basil was written into the twist solely to absolve Sunny of any responsibility for the cover-up. 

Finally, the game inadvertently implies that Mari's suicide wasn't investigated properly, if at all. The clues indicating that she didn't hang herself are obvious, such as the fact that she seemingly used a jumping rope and her stockings being clean as opposed to stained with grass and mud from the ground around the tree. Such a break from reality isn't much of a significant problem, but it does become rather conspicuous once you notice it. Fans tend to theorize that Sunny's parents somehow knew the truth and possibly bribed the police into dropping the case, but there isn't enough concrete evidence to support this theory.

The knowledge of the twist is imperative to understanding just how aggressive and transparent the shilling becomes. Some of the most notable moments that explicitly demonstrate what the player is meant to think about Mari include divine light shining down on her grave in the town’s cemetery, her farewell to Sunny at the end of the North Lake segment, where she is briefly shown walking on water, and her brief conversation with Sunny in his house's piano room on One Day Left, where she apologizes to Sunny for “pushing him too hard”, implying that her brother killing her was somehow her fault.

Mari isn’t a character in her own right - she is the quintessential fridged woman, existing purely as the object fueling the main characters’ grief and being important only when the game needs to assure the player that Sunny killing his sister wasn’t much of a big deal. After all, even the person he killed is shown to forgive him for what he did.

Speaking of Sunny, his actions in the aftermath of the incident paint him as rather reprehensible. Not only does he vandalize Basil’s most precious belonging and then leave him alone, but he also chooses to lie by omission to his friends and his parents, letting them believe that they failed her because of the assumed nature of her death as a suicide. On top of all that, the game seems to heavily imply that Sunny blacked out the photos due to Omori’s influence; considering that Omori is apparently meant to be the personification of Sunny’s depression, this reads as a convenient way to absolve Sunny of any responsibility for his horrible actions by making his Evil Mental Illness the culprit.

It’s time to talk about this game’s depiction of mental illness, then.

[crazylittlejester]

I’ve seen some of the headcannons people are dumping on you and well- I PHYSICALLY CANNOT HOLD THIS ONE IN ANYMORE

sky has great emotional control

okay I know it’s not new but I think that it really is the root of the “oh, Sky doesn’t tend to get mad, pretty chill dude, seems kinda sleepy and dorky at first glance” sure he is, at first glance. But underneath that is a kid who matured. He doesn’t break his composure easily because he can’t. Man has power. I haven’t played his game (tho aside from the of the wild verse it’s the one I’m most familiar with), but I know that much. He cannot get mad at someone who is not his equal.

it’s like that part in “Castle in the Air” by Dianna Wynn Jones where Abdula is like “ohhhh Howl and Calcifer are snarking and mad at each other because they’re too powerful to be properly mad at regular people!”

So not only is Sky a good judge of character (I.e. his assessment of Legend in an old LU doodle), he can’t let things bother him.

SO

If he should be brought to the point where he snaps. And maybe not even snap by normal people standards, like he is properly mad and his sense of judgement is only a teensy bit impaired- we could see some stuff go down.

Sky’s complexities are very important to me and I needed to share that 0.0

have a nice night!

Sky to me is someone who gets incredibly angry but is most of the time able to keep himself under control and not react externally. On the inside he is screaming and there are fires, but on the outside he is the picture of calm and chill, except for the occasional eye twitch. Kindness is important to him so he tries his absolute best not to snap in anger, but yknow, if someone hurts his friends he is going to lose his shit

Unikitty from the lego movie….

[wisteria-cherry]

forty days and forty nights (day eight!) (part two!)

(i was totally not intending to have chapters with multiple parts but i mean we’ve got a part two so)

(keep in mind that all characters are 21+ :) love u cherry blossoms <33)

(content warning: consumption of alcohol (implied))

(read them all here!)

it was relaxing once you got off your shift. you went shopping, making sure to buy a bottle of wine to bring to mina’s and some essentials you’d been running low on.

however, that evening, you panicked.

kirishima was sweet and all, but dressing “any way you want” wasn’t very specific. it would’ve been nice to have known what he was wearing, you thought, so you’d at least have an idea.

you tried on top after top, bottoms after bottoms, trying to see what went with what and if that top made your shoulders look wider and those bottoms hugged your curves just right.

thankfully, you knew this would happen, so you gave yourself a good two and a half hours to get ready. you eventually settled on a simple outfit, the sort that could be considered casual but also business casual in the event that the party is more formal that expected.

the rest of the getting-ready process went smoothly, and at 7:45 sharp, you hear a knock at your apartment door. you open it with a smile, greeted by an equally smiley kirishima. he seemed to be dressed casual— a t-shirt with a button up that was not buttoned up over it and shorts. and crocs.

to each their own.

“ready to go?” he beamed.

“ready as i’ll ever be.” you hum. “where’s bakugo?”

“waiting in his car.” kirishima replied.

“let’s not keep him waiting, then.” you exhale, taking the bottle of wine and exiting, making sure to shut and lock the door behind you.

“so, there are a couple things you should know about mina.” kirishima began as you walked down the hall of your apartment complex towards the elevator (you were on the fourth floor).

“okay..” you replied slowly. “this could either be going somewhere very good or very bad.” kirishima laughed at this. you smiled at his laughter; kirishima’s happiness was contagious.

“it’s good. mostly.” kirishima grinned. “cuz the thing is, she’s super energetic. she’ll either hype you up or tire you out.” he pauses to press the elevator button and the doors open immediately. the two of you step inside and you press the first floor button. kirishima continues as you descend.

“she also really likes romance. if she thinks you’d make a cute couple with someone, she’ll totally try to set you up. this can be good or bad, though, y’know? cuz on one hand, she’ll set you up with someone you like. on the other hand…”

“…she’ll set you up with someone you don’t like.” you finish gravely.

“..yeah..” kirishima chuckled nervously. “that. but, she’s a whole lotta fun. you won’t regret meeting her. the only person who’s said that was bakugo, and i’m pretty sure even he doesn’t mean it.”

“he says a lot of things he doesn’t seem to mean.” you remark as the elevator doors slide open and the two of you step out.

“you think so?” kirishima didn’t expand on the topic any further as the two of you left the lobby, going outside to find bakugo tapping the wheel of a sleek black car impatiently.

“the hell took you idiots so long?” he glared.

“sorry, man.” kirishima apologized lightly. “we’re ready.” kirishima got into the backseat, so you opted for the front, not wanting to seem rude or leave bakugo alone up there. not that he’d mind. you glance over at him as you sit down. he had almost a grunge look about him— a baggy t-shirt with a long sleeved shirt under it, paired with slacks. he was tapping the steering wheel with his pointer finger impatiently.

“will you put your damn seat belt on?!” he snapped finally. you jumped.

“sorry, i forgot,” you apologize, doing so immediately. you didn’t have a car of your own. you usually either walked or took public transport.

“whatever.” bakugo clicked his tongue, finally beginning to drive.

“oh, man, you’re gonna meet the whole squad tonight,” kirishima grinned. you suddenly understood why kirishima sat in the back and left you the front. it would’ve been so easy to feel left out in the backseat as kirishima and bakugo talked in the front. yet, he took the liberty to make sure you didn’t.

he’s such a sweetheart, you thought with a small smile.

“the whole squad?” you echo curiously.

“yup. mina, denki, sero.” kirishima listed off. “they’ll love you.”

“is that the squad you talked about me with?” you ask.

“yep.” kirishima confirms. “all good things, promise.”

you arrive at the party soon enough. it sort of impressed you that bakugo was such a good driver— sure, he had a little road rage, but he was cautious, too, hardly speeding and making sure to make the right call on yellow lights. you step out of the car, smiling at the boys.

“thanks for the ride.” you nod appreciatively.

“tch, no point thanking me yet.” bakugo rolled his eyes. “i’m taking you home, aren’t i?”

“you are?” you blink.

“what, you plan on walking home?” he demanded.

“oh… i guess not.”

you cradled the bottle of wine anxiously as you walked up to mina’s doorstep, making sure you’re behind the boys because you were kind of (very) nervous about meeting mina and wanted them to go first.

kirishima knocked once, and before his fist touched the door again, it swung open to reveal the person that must have been mina.

“ei! bakugo! my favorite people!” she exclaimed. mina was wearing denim shorts and a skintight shirt, accessorized with necklaces, bracelets, and earrings to match. mina was pretty. she was curvy in all the right places, and built like an athlete. she donned curly pink hair that went every which way but somehow looked like it was done on purpose, with tiny yellow horns peeking out in between curls. her skin was pink, and golden eyes contrasted sharply with black sclera. you were sort of jealous, if you were being honest. she exudes confidence like no other, but, unlike bakugo, hers didn’t translate to arrogance.

mina went on her tiptoes to look over kirishima and bakugo’s shoulders— she was short, probably in the 5’4” range, give or take.

“is this (y/n)?” she gasped. “oh my god, you brought wine? i love you already!” mina squeezed in between the two men (“move it, you dopey giants!”) and looked you up and down, but not on the judgmental way. it was more like she was so excited that she didn’t know where to look first.

“oh my god, you’re adorable!” mina exclaimed. “your hair looks so soft, what do you use?”

“um, shampoo?” you answer dumbly, totally lost in her energy and the way she spoke so fast. mina laughed.

“you’re a national treasure, i swear. i love you already. come in, come in!” mina insisted, leading you inside behind kirishima and bakugo.

there were tons of people, and sort of reminded you of what you thought a frat party would look like if you ever attended one.

“the wine can go right there.” mina pointed, and you set the wine down carefully. “now, i want you to meet the squad, c’mon!” mina took your hand (you sent an uncertain glance to bakugo as though to silently ask ‘is she always like this?’ and bakugo only smiled viciously and flipped you off, which you took as a yes) and lead you to the living room, where a yellow-haired man was animatedly telling a story. another man who was clearly tall, despite being sat down, interjected, correcting yellow hair on a part he must’ve exaggerated.

“it’s for emphasis, hanta, c’mon!” yellow hair protested.

“it’s not for emphasis. you didn’t buy the entire candy aisle, calamari.” hanta, the tall man, replied nonchalantly, leaning back on the couch and crossing one leg over the other.

“calamari?” you blinked, looking to mina questioningly. mina grinned.

“his name’s denki kaminari. we just say calamari. or denki.” mina explained.

“ah.”

“hey, people!” mina suddenly shouted, and you jumped at the high volume in close proximity. “bakugo’s (y/n) is here!”

“bakugo’s?” you repeat as people greet you. only hanta and kaminari came up to you.

“we’ve heard lots about you.” hanta held out his hand. “i’m sero.”

“(y/n).” you shook sero’s hand. goodness, he really was tall. he must’ve be 6’5”, or even more.

“i’m denki kaminari, resident hot guy.” kaminari leaned against sero, trying to be smooth, but sero stepped aside and kaminari fell, at which mina burst out laughing and sero snickered.

“very smooth.” you remark as kaminari scrambled up.

“hey, it usually works,” he protests.

“don’t be fooled, the man’s not single.” mina pointed towards the kitchen at a purple-haired girl. “he’s been dating kyoka since high school. total high school sweethearts. he’s, like, always stuck to her.”

“am not!”

“you’re only here cuz yaomomo asked to talk to her alone!” mina retorted, to which kaminari pouted.

“no fair.” kaminari changed the subject. “hey, are eijiro and kacchan here, then?”

“kacchan? is that bakugo?” you ask.

“that’s bakugo alright.” sero confirmed.

“yeah, they’re here.” mina answered. “bakugo’s probably out on the porch. ei’s over talking with shoji.”

“i’m gonna find him. he said we can test if his hardening conducts electricity.” kaminari wandered off.

“i’m gonna go watch.” sero followed.

“ohhh, i wanna watch too!” mina squealed. she looked to you, concern overcoming her expression. “i can totally stick around though. i don’t wanna leave you if you don’t know anyone, y’know?”

“oh, don’t worry about it.” you smile reassuringly.

“really?” mina perked up, grinning as she pulled out her phone. “okay! gimme your phone. i’ll give you my number and you text me if you need anything, yeah?” you nod, unlocking your phone and giving it to mina. she typed insanely fast, and you had your phone back in seconds.

“okay, byee!” she chirped, bouncing off.

you looked around, immediately regretting your decision. you wished you’d asked mina to stay, but also not, because you didn’t want to come across as clingy. you sigh and make your way to the kitchen, taking a soda (you didn’t want to drink. what if you got drunk and bakugo and kirishima had to deal with you?) and making your way to the front door. you open it, intending to sit on the porch for a bit, but it looked like someone already beat you to it.

“oh, sorry if i’m interrupting-“ you pause. it was bakugo. you’re quiet for a moment before finishing. “…care for some company?” bakugo turned to look back at you. he’s been sitting on the top step, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his thighs.

“you just can’t get enough of me, huh?” bakugo smirked, and you rolled your eyes playfully.

“yeah, yeah.” you laugh. “get off your high horse.” you sit down next to him.

“you wish.” bakugo snorted. “‘s not my fault you’re so damn obsessed with me.”

“obsessed? i didn’t even know who you were when you first came in.”

“then spent your night googling me.” bakugo replied bluntly. your cheeks heated up.

“i felt bad, okay?”

“bad that you didn’t know who i was?” bakugo glanced at you, swishing the soda can he held in one hand absentmindedly. “you should feel bad.”

“do you comfort all your friends like this?”

“you came to the wrong person.” bakugo snorted. “the hell’re you out here for, anyway?” you shrug. you didn’t really want to admit that you were alone in there.

“just wanted some fresh air.” you look over to him. “what’s your excuse?”

“too many goddamn people.” he grunted.

“you don’t seem like the party type.” you remark.

“‘m not. like i said, too many annoying-ass people.” bakugo took a swig of his soda, a diet coke.

“so why’d you come?” you ask curiously. bakugo stared at his drink, swishing it around again.

“none of your business.” he replied. fair enough.

“so.. that’s the squad.” you change the subject.

“they’re annoying as shit.”

“they’re energetic. but they’re sweet.” you smile. “you should bring them by the shop sometime.”

“hell no.” bakugo spat.

“why not?” bakugo glanced over at you and huffed.

“that goddamn coffee shop is the only time i get some fucking peace.” he snapped. you hummed in response, but then fell silent.

“…you met pinky, then.” bakugo spoke after a few moments.

“mina? yeah. she’s fun, i like her.” you smile. bakugo shifted uncomfortably.

“she didn’t… say anything, did she? weird shit.”

“define ‘weird shit.’ because she said she wanted to watch kaminari electrocute kirishima.” you giggle. bakugo scoffed.

“‘course she fuckin’ did.” he rolled his eyes. “i mean weird shit like— goddammit, never mind.”

“oh, are you sure?” you blink, having been curious as to what falls under the category of “weird shit” for bakugo. bakugo took another swig of his drink.

“obviously i’m sure.”

“okay.” you glance back at the door. “well, i’m gonna head inside. wanna come?”

“yeah, sure.” bakugo replied, standing up. you stood up as well, and the two of you went inside.

you both found mina— or, rather, she found you. once she did, you were suddenly exposed to the “weird shit” bakugo had clearly been talking about.

“i saw you two on the porch.” mina wiggled her eyebrows. “do anything interesting?”

“no.” bakugo shut it down immediately.

“aw, come on!” mina whined. the ‘beating around the bush’ act was dropped like a hot potato.

“you guys would be so cute, can’t you just go on one date?!” mina begged. you blinked.

“fuck off, pinky!” bakugo snapped at mina.

“a date.” you echoed.

“yes, a date!! it’d be so cute!” she insisted. “you’d be the perfect couple!”

“we’ve known each other for a week..” you tell her slowly, totally taken aback by the idea that mina thought you’d make a cute couple with bakugo.

“no way in hell i’m going on a date with that loser!” bakugo scowled.

not that you wanted to go on a date with him, but ouch.

“that’s why you go on a date! to get to know them!” mina insisted.

“no!” bakugo raised his voice, but it was hardly noticeable with all the chatter around you.

“killjoy!” mina stuck her tongue out, laughing delightedly at the reaction before scampering off, presumably to coerce more poor souls into dating.

“have you seen mina?” kirishima came up from behind you two, causing you to jump and bakugo to tch.

“just left.” bakugo grunted. “how much longer do i have to fuckin’ be here?” kirishima checked his watch.

“we’ve been here for awhile.” he remarked. “but it’s up to (y/n), if you ask me.”

“oh, i’m ready to go if you guys are.” you say quickly, not wanting to make them stay longer than they want.

“yeah, i had a couple drinks,” kirishima admitted. “i can’t have any more, i’ve got early patrol tomorrow.”

“then let’s go, these extras are annoying as hell.” bakugo scowled, pulling his car keys out of his pocket.

“okay.” you agree. “let me go say bye to mina.” you weave through the crowd, looking around before spotting the familiar pink curls and making your way to her.

“mina!” you call. she turned around and smiled.

“hey!”

“bakugo and kirishima and i are leaving now.” you smile. “thank you for hosting.”

“aww, no problem!” she beamed, hugging you tightly. “thanks for the wine!”

“of course.” you hug back. mina’s smile takes on a sly look to it as she pulls away.

“you know, i know you’ve only know each other for a week, but think about it. i know he’s rough around the edges, but you’ve gotta look closer.” mina set her hands on your shoulders and turned you towards bakugo, who was scanning the crowd.

“don’t you see it? he’s pretty.” she said. you tilted your head, hoping the perspective change would help in your eye for beauty.

“he is,” you admit. soft-looking hair, beautiful eyes, a sharp jawline. tall, well-built, clear skin. broad shoulders and big hands.

“and he’s got a heart of gold.” mina insisted. “way, way deep down.”

“if you say you.” you raise an eyebrow. “but, mina, i don’t like him that way.”

“if you insist.” mina sighs dramatically. “i just wish he’d get someone, y’know? i mean, obviously not everyone needs a someone, but i think a someone would be nice for him.”

“i guess i get what you mean.” you hum, your eyes still trained on bakugo. his eyes meet yours and you look away.

“well, i’d best get going. i don’t wanna keep him waiting.” you smile. mina nodded. as you walk away, mina called out to you.

“hey!” you turn back around at the sound of her voice.

“what?”

“let’s hang out sometime!”

“deal.”

“that goddamn coffee shop is the only time i get some fucking peace.”

<- previous next->

(feel free to comment + leave ur thoughts :)

tags: @k0z3me @cherryblossomclarity

[nyxshadowhawk]

Art and Hedonism

Dorian Gray Weekly is over, so it’s finally time for me to post my analysis of my favorite gothic novel!

On the surface, The Picture of Dorian Gray seems to be a tragedy about what happens when you give yourself over to self-indulgence and sin. Dorian has been granted eternal youth so as to live out all his passions, and he spends his life becoming progressively more depraved until his conscience weighs upon him to the point of madness, and he destroys his own horcrux. Hedonism is bad, right? But it’s a little counter-intuitive for such a moral to come from Oscar Wilde. Why would Oscar Wilde, of all people, write a story that seems to condemn hedonism? Well… I don’t think he does. The book just doesn’t read that way. It’s a luxuriously self-indulgent, sensual book! I wouldn’t like it so much if it boiled down to “hedonism is bad.”

I think that this book is a metatextual critique of Wilde’s own philosophy. The Picture of Dorian Gray is not really about beauty, or pleasure, or sin. It is about art. It is about the nature of art and it’s relationship to the artist, and to the audience. It is a cautionary tale not about the dangers of hedonism, but the dangers of taking art too seriously. At least, that seems to be what it is according to its author. I’m not saying that I know definitively what the author’s intentions were, or that authors’ interpretations of their work are the only true and correct ones. Ultimately, an author’s interpretation of his or her own work is just one interpretation among many, and any true piece of art can be interpreted many different ways. But, looking at Dorian Gray through the lens of its own author might be the best way to answer this question. So, I am going to analyze that. For fun!

At first glance, Wilde’s preface doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the story. It’s a really short philosophical argument. Actually, it reads more like a pretentious internet comment, by making a bunch of beautifully-worded controversial claims and then sitting back and waiting for you to respond to them, almost as if it’s daring you to argue.

The artist is the creator of beautiful things. To reveal art and conceal the artist is art’s aim. The critic is he who can translate into another manner or a new material his impression of beautiful things.

[…]

It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors. Diversity of opinion about a work of art shows that the work is new, complex, and vital. When critics disagree, the artist is in accord with himself. We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely. All art is quite useless.

There’s a lot more philosophical rambling that I cut out, but the short of it is this — art exists for its own sake. It exists to be admired, to be enjoyed. It exists to be beautiful, and that’s it. Anything that anyone else gets from it is simply what they get from it, and it says more about them than it does about the art. Creating art for any other primary purpose misses the point, if it isn’t outright dangerous.

Now, generally in literary analysis it’s a faux pas to psychoanalyze the author based on their work (which Wilde would probably agree with, since he writes that art should “conceal the artist”). There’s a lot of weird philosophy in this book, mostly put forth by the character of Lord Henry Wotton. Although Wilde identifies Lord Henry as something of a caricature of himself, we cannot say whether anything Lord Henry says is what Wilde really thinks. But this? The preface is written without the voice of a character or the context of a story. This is the author speaking as himself, in his own words, and therefore we can conclude that this is what he really thinks. That means that the only thing we can really say about Wilde and his philosophy based on this book alone comes from this preface.

Why is this preface even here? Why is it attached to this book? It might just be a futile attempt to cover his own ass, since he says things like “There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book” and “Vice and virtue are to the artist materials for an art.” That’s basically facing down the inevitable controversy that this book generated and saying, “don’t look at me, it’s just a story. It’s your fault for taking it seriously.” But, we could also use it as a framework within which to interpret the following story. Or, actually, wait, we’re not supposed to interpret it because it exists for its own sake, right? But why else would the this be the preface to Dorian Gray, if the story wasn’t meant to prove the preface’s point?

One more bit of metatextual content I want to bring up: Wilde said this about his characters:

Basil Hallward is what I think I am: Lord Henry what the world thinks me: Dorian what I would like to be — in other ages, perhaps.

(I am way too proud of this outdated meme.)

So, all three of Dorian Gray’s main characters are meant to represent the author himself from various perspectives. Basil, the innocent and lovelorn painter, is how Wilde perceives himself. Lord Henry is how society perceives Wilde; he smoothly makes controversial philosophical statements about hedonism and beauty and whatnot, but doesn’t actually believe most of what he’s saying. And what a cryptic thing to say about Dorian, the naive-boy-turned-corrupt libertine. I guess I could interpret that as Wilde saying that he’d theoretically like to have the sheer daring and shamelessness needed to actually live out all of Henry’s philosophies. So… if that’s the case, then that puts a big question mark over Dorian’s entire character. If the message of the book is “hedonism is bad,” then why would Wilde want to be Dorian, even hypothetically? Dorian’s depravity is clearly a bad thing, right? Why would Wilde write him that way, then?

Because the book’s moral isn’t about hedonism, it’s about art.

Wilde warns the reader, “All art is at once surface and symbol. Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril. Those who read the symbol do so at their peril.” But… that’s exactly what I plan to do. Sorry, Oscar.

So, let’s actually talk about the story now.

The Picture of Dorian Gray is a weirdly paradoxical work for the reasons I just spelled out — it seems like it should be condemning hedonism, but it doesn’t quite. It seems like it is a story about a man whose life steadily ruined by pleasure-seeking at the expense of all else, and yet… it’s just so decadent, this book. It’s full of philosophy about hedonism and the nature of good and evil, and it’s hard to tell just how much is espoused by its author and how much is condemned. Often the philosophy comes through Lord Henry, but sometimes it’s just there in the narration. And I love this book for that reason. I love thinking about stuff like that, so much. I love that this book practically smells like opium and tastes like rich chocolate.

The reason why I’m so interested in Wilde’s relationship to his own work here is because I agree with a lot of the philosophy presented in it. I know that Dorian Gray is being corrupted by Lord Henry’s influence, and I can see how that happens. But… still. This book is interesting to me because it seems to simultaneously espouse and decry the philosophy presented in it, which is why I think it’s a critique. “Let’s let this philosophy play a bit, and see what it does.” What if someone really did live the kind of life that Wilde himself was accused of living? When is hedonism healthy, and when is it not? Where are the limits?

Henry is Wilde’s caricature of himself. A lot of readers hate him for just how infuriating he is. All Lord Henry really does is spout controversial and kind of offensive statements. I’m sure we all know at least one person like that on the internet. Henry’s like the super intellectual version of a troll; he just says stuff to make people deeply uncomfortable and see how they’ll react. But he’s also persuasive — he’s a Mephistophelian character with a “low, musical” voice. He views Dorian almost like a science experiment. He admits that influence is evil, but then actively goes after an impressionable and naive boy to turn him into… well, whatever that portrait looked like in the last chapter. In chapter 2, he makes a long speech about how a man should “live out his life fully and completely […] give form to every feeling, expression to every thought, reality to every dream.” In short, screw Victorian morality. Life is to be experienced, so drink deeply of all it has to offer instead of wasting it constraining yourself. His best line, in my opinion, is:

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful.

—Chapter 2

I kind of agree with this. Kind of. I do think that temptation is impossible to resist. The more you attempt to repress your desires, the more intensely you feel those desires. The best thing to do to avoid being tempted by genuinely dangerous things is to either satisfy the temptation using some safer outlet (or otherwise redirect it), or to avoid potential temptations altogether. The second line of this quote makes it clear that what Henry is really saying here is, “don’t let society’s stupid restrictions keep you from living your best life.”

And… yeah. If society shames you for being gay, whip out the rainbow colors! A lot of things (especially “sexual deviancy”) are only “temptations” because society and culture says that they’re wrong, not because they’re actually morally wrong. That’s an important distinction. We’ll get back to that. I believe that the difference between a temptation and a desire is that you can only be tempted by something dangerous and forbidden. If feeling lust as a young woman or man is considered morally wrong, then sex is a “temptation” — as soon as it’s considered a normal part of existing as a human, then it’s suddenly not a “temptation,” it’s just desire, and is a lot easier to deal with. You can find a safe outlet for it without feeling any shame, and without making any dumb mistakes out of sheer desperation.

Another thing Harry says is,

The aim of life is self-development. To realize one’s nature perfectly �� that is what each of us is here for.

—Chapter 2

Yes! I have no argument here. None at all. However, reading between the lines, it seems as though Harry’s definition of “realizing one’s nature perfectly” is just experiencing everything in life and living it to its fullest, literally without distinguishing between good and bad experiences, or good and evil deeds. “Every experience is of value,” he says at one point. I don’t define self-development this way. My definition is complete self-awareness. If you’re self-aware, then you can be as self-indulgent as you want because you know where your limits are. Drinking at a party is fine, but you have to know your alcohol tolerance.

Dorian buys into this philosophy pretty hard. By chapter 11, his whole life has become one of pleasure, and… I’m still not disagreeing with a lot of the philosophy put forth by this novel:

The worship of the senses has often, and with much justice, been decried, men feeling a natural instinct of terror about passions and sensations that seem stranger than themselves […] But it appeared to Dorian Gray that the true nature of the senses had never been understood, and that they had remained savage and animal merely because the world had sought to starve them into submission or to kill them by pain, instead of aiming at making them elements of a new spirituality, of which a fine instinct for beauty was to be the dominant characteristic.

—Chapter 11

This is why I love this novel. I agree with this too. I have a fine instinct for beauty myself. Here, Dorian considers that maybe people in his society consider sensuality to be animalistic and savage only because they haven’t engaged with it at all, so it appears strange and dangerous. I also think that sensuality has been unfairly demonized for far too long, sometimes to the point where enjoying anything is sinful. I think it’s important to confront one’s passions (i.e. desires and emotions) and find a way to deal with them that’s both safe and satisfying. Like Dorian, I don’t have much patience for asceticism, or at least for the notion that it’s the most moral and spiritual way to live one’s life. Dorian attends church sometimes just out of curiosity, just becuase he finds it enjoyable or interesting, and he jumps around between different spiritualities the same way he collects jewels, textiles, and perfume:

But he [Dorian] never fell into the error of arresting his intellectual development by any formal acceptance of creed or system […] no theory of life seemed to him to be of any importance compared with life itself. […] He knew that the senses, no less than the soul, have their spiritual mysteries to reveal.

—Chapter 11

I feel called out by this. This concept of jumping around between different belief systems, using belief as a tool… that’s basically Chaos Magic in a nutshell. “Nothing is true, everything is permitted” definitely sounds like something Lord Henry would say. And I certainly don’t think that sensuality and spirituality are mutually exclusive, in fact, I think that the former can be a means of experiencing the latter. I worship Dionysus, for crying out loud. Often, the answer I give when someone on the internet asks me why I believe in magic or gods or anything else without evidence is “it’s fun,” i.e. pleasure.

And yet… my life could not be more different from Dorian’s. Perhaps the darkest part of my mind is something like Dorian, but in real life, I look like a stereotypical Victorian ingenue who’s always the first to die in a gothic novel like this one, and I’m quite pure and unsullied. I don’t do anything but sit in my dorm room and write on the internet all day. At parties, I freeze up and don’t speak to anyone. I’m still not much of a drinker, despite having been legally allowed to drink for several years now. My only real vice is sugar. I have no love life or sex life. I value pleasure becuase I can’t enjoy myself for the life of me, because I worry about everything all the time and waste energy on it. I’m not Dorian, and that’s probably why I can get away with hedonism.

Here’s the thing about our protagonist: he takes Harry much more seriously than he should. Harry doesn’t actually believe what he’s saying. He just says stuff, to be controversial and shocking. That’s what he does. But Dorian buys it, hard. Harry’s waxing lyrical about how there’s nothing in the world but youth and Dorian has the whole world at his fingertips because he’s pretty, makes Dorian obsessively concerned with his appearance. He barters his soul on a whim. And, then he proceeds to live the kind of lifestyle that Harry advocates for but doesn’t have the balls to actually commit to. Dorian is beautiful, rich, and able to do whatever he likes, which he often does. He has it all, but the truth is, he’s not really getting anything out of any experience. He goes through life like a passive spectator. This is probably because of the hedonism paradox, but it could also be because Dorian uses hedonism and collecting beautiful things as a means of escapism:

For these treasures, and everything that he collected in his lovely house, were to be to him a means of forgetfulness, modes by which he could escape, for a season, from the fear that seemed to him at times to be almost too great to bear.

— Chapter 11

Congratulations, Dorian, you ruined it for yourself.

I like beautiful things. I have more resin statues than I have space for. I have more perfumes than I actually wear. I spend a lot of my free time scrolling through artwork on Pinterest. I genuinely like museums and ballets and operas. I like dressing up in fancy Goth outfits even without an occasion. I like soft blankets. I like neoclassical music. I like decorating for holidays and making elaborate table displays and giving everything a distinctive theme. I deeply appreciate beauty. I don’t think it poisons me. I collect all these things because they make me happy, and that’s all. I think that happiness or pleasure is a worthy goal for its own sake.

But it has to be for its own sake, not for the sake of avoiding your problems, or to ignore the feeling of your sins crawling on your back. It’s like the difference between having a few drinks at a party for the fun of it, and becoming an alcoholic because you can’t come to terms with your psychological issues. Collect beautiful things because they make you happy, not because you hope they might fill the gaping void in your soul left behind by a portrait. Dorian definitely isn’t happy:

I have never searched for happiness. Who wants happiness? I have searched for pleasure.

—Chapter 18

Dorian’s whole life has been what I call “empty pleasure,” pleasure that is ultimately unfulfilling because it’s covering up a problem instead of being enjoyed for its own sake. If you indulge for the sake of avoiding something, you’re not enjoying the thing for what it is, you’re just desperately trying to take your mind off the thing you want to avoid nagging at the back of your brain, and the result is that you can’t really enjoy anything. Another example is gorging yourself on a delicious feast because it’s delicious, as opposed to binge eating. Or having sex with several people that you feel genuine affection for, as opposed to people you can’t even remember the names of. “Empty pleasure” is bad for the soul, but pleasure itself is not. The threat of “empty pleasure” is what has caused pleasure itself to be demonized for so long. It’s not the pleasure that’s bad, it’s the avoidance. Pleasure can’t be spiritual at all if its so superficial. Dorian’s hedonism is hollow and meaningless, so it corrupts his soul.

Confront your damn problems, don’t lock them in your attic! Once you’ve done that, you can really get the most out of life.

Thank you for allowing me all of that gratuitous philosophizing. Where was I? Oh, right — this book is a warning about art. Right.

Lord Henry’s last real contribution to Dorian’s corruption is giving him the mysterious “yellow book.” The “yellow book” is often speculated to be À rebours by Joris-Karl Huysmans. The book itself doesn’t really matter; what matters is the effect that it has on Dorian in-universe. It cements his hedonistic philosophy that had already been implanted by Lord Henry, and it seems to really drive him over the edge.

Dorian Gray had been poisoned by a book. There were moments when he looked on evil simply as a mode through which he could realize his conception of beauty.

— Chapter 11

So, there is no good and evil, only beauty. Dorian doesn’t really have a concept of good and evil anymore, just experiences in life, just whether things are beautiful or not. This is another pretty big problem with Dorian’s approach towards hedonism — he has no moral compass.

This idea that the book is “poisonous” seems to directly contradict the point that Wilde makes in the preface. “There is no such thing as a moral or immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.” Why the contradiction? Dorian has made the mistake of taking art too seriously. The yellow book is “poisonous” not because of anything about the book itself, but because of how Dorian responds to it — because he takes it too seriously. The book wouldn’t be immoral if he just enjoyed it at face-value and didn’t take it to heart, would it? The fact that he becomes so obsessed with it is another nail in his coffin.

The first nail in the coffin comes much earlier. The scene where Dorian dumps Sibyl is critical. First, there’s Sibyl’s explanation of her perspective on her art:

The painted scenes were my world. I knew nothing but shadows, and I thought them real. You came — oh, by beautiful love! — and you freed my soul from prison. You taught me what reality really is. The stillness of the empty pageant in which I had always played. […] You had brought me something higher, something of which all art is but a reflection. You had made me understand what love really is. My love! My love! Prince Charming! Prince of life! I have grown sick of shadows. You are more to me than all art can ever be.

— Chapter 7

Until she met Dorian, Sibyl had been living through her plays. She quite literally “became” Juliet or Ophelia or whoever she was playing inside her mind, completely suspending her disbelief, because she just didn’t have much of a life outside of her acting. This made her a phenomenal actress, because watching an actor who’s that immersed in their role is also immersive for the audience. But when she met Dorian, life suddenly became more real to her and more meaningful to her than art. Sibyl completely lost that suspension of disbelief, and her acting skills along with it.

Dorian dumps her for saying so, in the most brutal way possible:

…you have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination, Now you don’t even stir my curiosity. You simply produce no effect. I loved you because you were marvellous, because you had genius and intellect, because you realized the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away. You are shallow and stupid. My God! how mad I was to love you! What a fool I have been! You mean nothing to me now. I will never see you again. I will never think of you. […] Without your art, you are nothing. […] A third-rate actress with a pretty face.

Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here. Both Sibyl and Dorian have made the fatal mistake of taking art too seriously. On Sybil’s end, she’s been living through her art in a way that’s unhealthy. She doesn’t have a life or an identity beyond the persona that she adopts on stage. It’s like if your entire life was online, and the only people you’ve ever been in love with are fictional characters, and you didn’t have any life to speak of beyond that — oh. Okay, well, at least I have a sense of myself. Sibyl doesn’t have an identity of her own, so she borrows her identity from Shakespeare characters. Dorian, meanwhile, has fallen in love with this false identity. He doesn’t actually care about the person Sibyl actually is, because there’s nothing really there. When Sibyl feels like she’s finally found herself and become a person, Dorian is disgusted with her because she can no longer act, and she’s no longer interesting to him. Sibyl became an art piece and Dorian loved that art piece, not the person beneath.

This scene is so often misrepresented in adaptations. In most adaptations, the breakup is Harry’s fault, usually through giving him bad romance advice and teaching him to devalue women. For example, in the 2009 adaptation, Harry tempts Dorian to go to a brothel instead of seeing Sibyl perform, and Sibyl is concerned that she’s just another whore to Dorian. That becomes the focus of their breakup. Blaming the breakup on Harry makes it about hedonism; Sibyl feeling like Dorian is exploiting her for sex makes it about hedonism. It’s not about hedonism, it’s about art, which relates back to the preface. In the book, the breakup is entirely Dorian’s fault. It’s also the first time we see any real cruelty out of Dorian, which is then reflected by the portrait. Because this has nothing to do with Harry’s influence, I consider it proof that Dorian was never really that good of a person to begin with. He completely lacks empathy for Sibyl.

This is what results in tragedy. Sibyl commits suicide because she’s the pretty and innocent blond ingenue who’s always the first to die in a gothic novel, and Dorian officially begins his downward slide. Sibyl’s death is absolutely Dorian’s fault in every way. He doesn’t dive headfirst into hedonism until after that happens, and his hedonism is “empty” because he’s trying to numb the pain of Sibyl’s death. And it’s all downhill from there. 

When Basil finally comes to see Dorian again, he’s appalled by Dorian’s reputation. Apparently, everything Dorian touches rots from the inside, so to speak. Sibyl becomes the first of many. Every person he’s involved with ends up too ashamed to show themselves in public, if they don’t commit suicide.

“…you were a man whom no pure-minded girl should be allowed to know, and whom no chaste woman should sit in the same room with. […] Why is your friendship so fatal to young men?” [Basil proceeds to describe several men whom Dorian was “inseparable” with who then ended up with disgraced reputations.] They say that you corrupt everyone with whom you become intimate.”

— Chapter 12

Dorian’s reputation is so sordid that all of the young women and men who become intimate with Dorian (interesting word choice) all end up ruined in some way or another. The same is said of Alan Campbell, the young chemist Dorian blackmails into deposing of Basil’s body. Apparently, they were “almost inseparable, indeed. Then the intimacy had come suddenly to an end.” Do I really need to spell this out? What does Dorian blackmail Allan with? We don’t know. It’s never said. But it’s heavily implied to be something about the very gay stuff that they almost definitely did together.

But — and this is one of the things that made the book so scandalous for its time — Dorian isn’t depraved because he’s bi. He’s just a bad person, and all of the poor young people who become involved with him suffer for it. Other characters in the story who are implied to be queer are not depicted as being evil. Basil, the most unambiguously gay character in the novel, is also one of the most innocent and the most undeserving of Dorian’s cruelty. Alan, too, is an innocent victim of Dorian, whatever he and Dorian might have done together in the past. During the scene in which Dorian blackmails Alan, his behavior implies that he is abusive as a partner, even outside the extraordinary circumstance of covering up a murder. Specifically, the “you made me do this” lines that he keeps throwing at Alan:

I tried to spare you. You will do me the justice to admit that. You were stern, harsh, offensive. You treated me as no man has ever dared to treat me—no living man, at any rate. I bore it all. Now it is for me to dictate terms.

— Chapter 14

How many other people has Dorian treated like this? How many of his lovers has he gaslit into believing that his abuse is their fault? How many people has he threatened with social ruin if they don’t do what he wants? (His own reputation can’t get any worse, after all.) He gives Alan a “look of pity,” as if to say, “this will hurt you way more than it hurts me.” Until the very end, Dorian seems completely oblivious (perhaps willingly so) to the effect that his actions have on other people, or worse, he actively enjoys it. 

So, that brings me to Basil Hallward. Poor, poor Basil.

Basil knows his fatal flaw, and here we come back to taking art too seriously:

Dorian, from the moment I met you, your personality had the most extraordinary influence over me. I was dominated, soul, brain, and power, by you. You became to me the visible incarnation of that unseen ideal whose memory haunts us like an exquisite dream. I worshipped you. […] I was only happy when I was with you. When you were away from me, you were still present in my art…. […] One day, a fatal day I sometimes think, I determined to paint a wonderful portrait of you as you actually are, not in the costume of dead ages, but in your own dress and your own time. […] …I know that as I worked on it, every flake and film of colour seemed to me to reveal my secret. I grew afraid that others would know of my idolatry. I felt, Dorian, that I had told too much, that I had put too much of myself into it. […] Well, after a few days the thing left my studio, and as soon as I had gotten rid of the intolerable fascination of its presence, it seemed to me that I had been foolish in imagining that I had seen anything in it, more than that you were extremely good-looking and that I could paint. Even now I cannot help feeling that it is a mistake to think that the passion one feels in creation is ever really shown in the work that one creates. Art is always more abstract than we fancy. Form and colour tell us of form and colour — that is all. It often seems to me that art conceals the artist far more than it reveals him.

— Chapter 9

This is all one paragraph, by the way, and the whole thing spans an entire page. It is probably the gayest paragraph of the entire body of Victorian literature. Basil is clearly infatuated. He becomes so obsessed with Dorian that it’s almost unhealthy. This anguished declaration of love obviously echoes the preface, which is to be expected if Wilde sees Basil as a representation of himself. “To reveal art and conceal the artist is art’s aim.” Basil is afraid that the portrait doesn’t reveal Dorian as he is, instead revealing Basil’s salacious crush on Dorian. But he ultimately comes to the same conclusion as the preface — that art conceals the artist and simply exists for its own sake. Anyone is able to project onto art and see anything they want in it, but art simply is what it is, and taking it too seriously results in peril. Perhaps the true tragic figure of this book isn’t Dorian, it’s Basil, for having invested so much in this portrait. He doesn’t paint it for the sake of creating a beautiful thing, but for the sake of glorifying his crush. He treated Dorian like a god, and could not see past his projection of perfection to see that Dorian was becoming a monster until it was much too late. When Basil sees what has become of the portrait, he acknowledges that this is the only thing anyone is punished for in this novel: “I worshipped you too much. I am punished for it. You worshipped yourself too much. We are both punished.”

Dorian himself kind of becomes an art piece. He literally switches places with the portrait. The portrait shows the corruption of Dorian’s soul, and Dorian himself becomes a projection of both Harry “poisonous” philosophy and Basil’s unhealthy projection. He is admired intensely. He exists just to be beautiful, like an art piece, and no one can really see past his beauty. The novel’s premise is based around the idea that people’s sins are written across their face, and that beauty equals goodness. No one can believe anything bad about Dorian when they see him because he just looks so innocent and angelic. Before he learns the truth, Basil is disturbed by Dorian’s reputation but just can’t believe it: “But you, Dorian, with your pure, bright, innocent face, and your marvellous untroubled youth—I can’t believe anything against you.” Similar comments are made by other characters. Dorian is just too pretty to be as evil as he is. The subversiveness of the book comes from that premise. How often are beautiful people able to get away with anything in society, just because people tend to assume they’re innocent? It’s no wonder that Dorian is completely narcissistic.

Even Harry is incredulous when Dorian all but admits to having murdered Basil, thinking that he’s not capable of murder: “Crime belongs exclusively to the lower orders […] I should fancy that crime was to them what art is to us, simply a method of procuring extraordinary sensations.” Comparing crime to art is really interesting, to say the least. Most people would say that there’s nothing artistic about crime, but Harry isn’t most people, he’s a troll. And the only reason he gets off scot-free in this book is because he never commits the sin of taking art too seriously! Apparently, according to him, Dorian cannot commit a crime because he’s basically an art piece, and he just doesn’t have any need to kill someone. There’s another comment that Harry makes towards the end that suggests that he views Dorian as an art piece:

I am so glad that you have never done anything, never carved a statue, or painted a picture, or produced anything outside of yourself! Life has been your art. You have set yourself to music. Your days are your sonnets.

—Chapter 19

This echoes an earlier comment that he made about Basil being boring because everything that’s interesting about him, he puts into his art. Dorian’s life is vibrant because he directs all that same creative energy into living instead of into an art piece. Dorian himself is an art piece. And yet, while Harry is saying this, Dorian is feeling Basil’s murder weighing upon him.

The title refers not to Dorian himself, but to the portrait — a piece of art. The portrait drives the story, and even Dorian himself realizes this. Dorian’s undoing is that he can’t live with the guilt of his reckless murder and probably all his other sins, especially when he has a literal conscience staring back at him. He would have gotten away with murder just for being pretty, if he didn’t have a conscience. It’s far too late for him to redeem himself, so he decides to destroy the conscience. And… we know how that turns out.

The true “moral” of this book is really hard to parse out, which is maybe why we shouldn’t attempt to read the symbol and just take the whole book at face-value, right? There’s a lot going on here. There’s the inability to face up to one’s problems and deal with them in a way that’s healthy, resulting in any form of enjoyment being “empty.” There’s the idolization of beauty, always assuming the best of beautiful people even when they’re really quite awful. And there’s art — treating art like life or life like art is always going to come back to bite you in the end. That would make this a cautionary tale about what happens when art isn’t appreciated for its own sake, and is projected on so much that one confuses it with life, or sought as a source of morality. Art is not moral, it just is — reading (or writing!) a book from the perspective of a serial killer will not make you a bad person. This book is not a bad influence, it just is.

Even after having written all of that, I’m still not really sure what Wilde was trying to say about hedonism, so let’s ask him. According to Wilde himself, the moral of The Picture of Dorian Gray is, “All excess, as well as all renunciation, brings its own punishment.”

Both extremes are bad. Indulge in life, but make sure you do so with empathy, and for the right reasons! Find some middle ground. And most of all, don’t be afraid of your own portrait.

[yuanw3i]

a lot of thoughts about silver twisted wonderland

Good morning it’s 3:45 am and dorm silver dropped after almost 3 years so here’s a full length post dedicated to him. not spoiler free

Quick Note: I remember when I first saw all the twst characters lined up and he honestly…didn't stick out much. i picked him as my first favorite anyways though because of zakki and hes been trapped in my brain ever since. Even though his background is still shrouded in ??wtfs i think exploring that is part of the fun of silver!! Personally, I really love him because a lot of his character beyond niceguy.jpg is rooted in subtext and it's super fun to delve into. so i can’t promise this is an unbiased analysis, but I hope you enjoy it anyways. 

Translation Credits: @mysteryshoptls, @twstarchives, and TWST Miraheze’s Enharo translations

OVERVIEW

Silver, at a quick glance, seems like both the most normal and most bizarre character in Twst. In a sea of self-serving, scheming villains, he lacks the sort of insidiousness most of his peers are constantly displaying. From a player’s perspective, we know this is because he’s most likely based on Aurora; but other NRC students simply deign to see him as an oddball. From the Disney properties he’s twisted from to his own strange upbringing, Silver is a bit of a question mark to both us and the ingame characters. In this post I’m gonna try to dissect some underappreciated complexities of his character, and hopefully get you or whoever’s reading this to give him some love! haha hope this doesnt get too long

PART 1: INTRODUCTION 

First off, Silver’s a pretty lowkey guy. Not in the way Jamil is (forced), or the way Trey is (less forced than Jamil but still forced), but moreso in a way that points to him being out of touch with himself and his own internal state. He doesn’t really…stick out in comparison to the more bombastic members of his dorm; at least not at first. A lot of his quirks are hidden behind his cool expression and appearance, and the gap between those two qualities leads to some funny gags in his interactions with others. 

Part of Silver’s charm as a character comes from his super blunt way of speaking, especially when he starts to describe extremely weird situations that he deems are normal. Like in Endless Halloween, when he casually mentions that he’d used to fight bears to Jamil and Jack (who react as expected). He isn’t used to “regular” social conventions, and this is coupled with the fact that he doesn’t really think like a villain does. In Fairy Gala IF, Ace comments on his heroicness, wondering how they both attend the same school. 

Essentially, there’s a significant divide between him and the people around him in both mindset and in lifestyle. Other students also view him as strange due to unchanging face. Some of his voicelines point this lack of expressiveness, like these:  

“They say that silence is golden. But in my case I just don’t have anything worth talking about…” (Ceremonial Robes SR) 

“I’m happy. ‘I don’t look like it’? Understood. Next time I’ll try harder.” (Groovy Voiceline)  

His dorm SSR also places this aspect of his character front and center. In Part 1, he overhears his peers whispering about how expressionless and weird he is. One of the students even questions if Silver has feelings, which triggers Silver to try to “learn how to be more expressive” with Kalim and Jamil’s help. Thank god for Sebek, who plans to spar with him in the courtyard so Silver’s classmates can witness his true, extremely cool self. He reiterates that Silver shouldn’t care about their opinions and doesn’t need to change.  I don’t think being as on display with one’s emotions as say, Kalim, is necessary for Silver to show growth; he doesn’t have to change who he is to please others. I also really really don’t think that him being less externally expressive is a fault. Sebek’s lines in Silver’s dorm uniform story make this very clear. 

PART 2: SILVER IS A HUMAN 

Still, an important part of his dorm uniform personal story is his reasoning behind wanting to change his expressions. He says he feels bad for burdening his classmates this way, and doesn’t want this issue to reflect poorly on Malleus. Silver’s dorm uniform story, as well as countless others (see: his PE card, where he only helps Vil after the former mentions Malleus), show off a key facet of Silver’s character. Of course no man is an island, but Silver only seems to exist in relation to Lilia and Malleus. His lack of self awareness can thus be linked to his constant drive to be useful to them. Silver only focuses on training and bettering himself in academics, physically, magically, etc in order to better serve others or avoid staining Malleus’s reputation; it’s all he can talk about. So much of his life is spent dedicated to his family that he’s frighteningly UNself-centered. And I know that his selflessness is part of the joke, but he really doesn’t seem to be thinking about himself at all, ever. 

One way to read into Silver’s devotion is through the lens of his mortality. Like Sebek, I think Silver has some internal struggle surrounding his humanity. Unlike Sebek, I don’t think Silver is necessarily ashamed of his race or cognizant of this inner conflict; rather, the fact that he is human and is mortal influences his dynamics with the other three greatly. Something easy to overlook with all the gags about Silver falling asleep in random situaftions or playing with animals is that he is burdened with the knowledge he will die long before his loved ones. Lilia, Malleus, and potentially Sebek (not sure about his projected lifespan yet?) are all likely to outlive him and there’s nothing he can do about it. Unlike the others, his time is palpably finite. 

This inner conflict manifests most obviously in his desperation to fix his sleeping issues. While it's in part just a dislike for it constantly disrupting his everyday life, any time spent unconscious is just another reminder of the limited time he has in comparison to his quasi-immortal loved ones. His character profile also marks his dislike as "being idle", which makes total sense when considered in relation to his mortality and not just in relation to his narcolepsy. in this short time he's been blessed with, he should devote his being to giving back to those who raised and cared for him, those who he lives for and who gave him the chance to live. Not a second should be wasted when he could be improving himself as a son, guard, student etc, and this fixation then feeds into his already lacking sense of introspection. While I don’t think he’s necessarily aware of this view of his own humanity (ie it doesn’t cross his mind in such a melancholic or existential way when he’s looking for a cure to his sleeping) I think it’s a key part of his character that explains a lot about his motivations and being. 

But what makes the divide between human and fae lifespans even harder to navigate is the sheer difference in their experiences and values. Of course Lilia and Malleus care for Silver, but the difference in perspectives between a human and a centuries old fae is massive. An example of this is in the Endless Halloween event: 

Silver: There’s no way I could doubt you, Fath…Da…Lilia! You both took this way too far! 

Lilia & Malleus: Hm?

Silver: I understand that you and the ghosts just wanted us to have fun. But those who were taken over by the ghosts tried to fight us. All it would’ve taken was one mistake and someone could’ve gotten seriously injured. Are you saying that was a hint, as well? 

Though Lilia and Malleus clear up the misunderstanding-the ghosts were supposed to tell everyone it was entertainment but were attacked before they could-Silver still shows his willingness to challenge them when he believes it necessary. I wouldn’t add this as an example because it is part of a misunderstanding, but Ace criticizes Malleus in his own SR Scary Dress personal story, citing that “normal students can’t compare”, so he should be more aware of how powerful he is. 

Endless Halloween is in general a really great Silver event. Not only are we shown his willingness to stand up for what he believes is right, even against the people who make up his whole world, he’s forced to confront the question of his humanity in relation to them. In his SSR Scary Dress personal story, he acknowledges that he never thought they could part: 

Silver: Lilia-senpai was always there for me, so I was never lonely.

Silver: Training with Sebek was always fun, and sometimes Malleus-sama would come and visit us in secret…

Silver: Somewhere in my heart, I had decided that that peaceful time would continue on forever.

Silver: …I had never even given it a thought that I could experience a parting.

That’s what makes part 1 of episode 7 is such an interesting set up in terms of character drama- as with the Endless Halloween kidnapping farce, the roles between son and father have been reversed. This time, though, it’s seemingly for real.  Silver can’t picture outliving Lilia, or even just living apart from him forever because the first seemed biologically impossible and the other extremely unlikely, and now everyone is crying and Malleus is burning down NRC. 

The Valley of Thorns is behind on the times. It’s a stagnant and slow to change, a point emphasized in almost all of its mentions, so I think the Diasomnia chapter will center on them coping with time,  change, mortality, etc. I’m trying not to cross over into theory territory, but another possible route episode 7 could take is surrounding Silver’s origins. We see Lilia give him the ring from his original parents. What if he leaves to find them? I really really don’t think he will, but there is that threat of “Silver has ties to another place besides Diasomnia” which is another stake in how lonely Malleus, as the overblotter, is. 

JUST TO REITERATE AGAIN BECAUSE I THINK IT’S IMPORTANT WHEN DISCUSSING SILVER LIKE THIS: I also don't think he's super self-aware yet considering his general lack of introspection, or at least doesn't think about it too often unless he's confronted with a change in the status quo (like in his Scary Monsters SSR). He’s very here-and-now minded. I’m not saying he’s secretly hiding some dark and sad secret side, just that his situation’s complexity extends beyond the falling-asleep-everywhere gags. Mortality and all that. 

PART 3: I LOVE SILVER TWISTED WONDERLAND 

But one thing that always makes me sad about Silver’s situation is wondering…is he lonely? It must be lonely right? Or does he throw so much of himself into others that he isn’t even aware if or when he is? So much of twst boils down to how loneliness absolutely destroys a person, and how understanding from others and human connection is incredibly necessary. Without it, people can turn into literal monsters, consumed by their pain and isolation. Like their leige, Silver and Sebek haven’t socialized with others much until NRC. But a big part of twst chapters is the dorm head/members of the respective dorm connecting with their classmates a little more, which is why I’m hopeful that Diasomnia will have a happy ending. The game is a Disney property after all. 

And as Lilia says, human or not, Silver will always be his son. Sometimes a family can be two fae, a human baby, and their giant crocodile. 

tldr; Silver is isolated in a lot of ways (human instead of fae, has morals unlike the other scrubs at NRC) and hyperfocuses on others instead of his own sake because of it; I think episode 7 will be about him and the rest of Diasomnia learning how to make connections with others while coping with time, change, and mortality. 

[macktruckofdoom]

I’ve not had time to sit and continue reading the jjk manga (also ch212 kinda broke my brain with the tragedy and I already know the tragedy uh spirals into even more tragedy so I’m biding my time), and so I’ve been listening to s1 while I do stuff in lab. And I want to put down the thoughts I’ve been having about Junpei x Yuuji and Megumi x Yuuji and of course, Sukuna.

The Magic(tm) of Yuuji’s ability to make anyone like him is never more on display than it is with Junpei. I do find it quite interesting that Yuuji’s aware of what he’s doing. He needs to talk to Junpei for the mission and there’s a teacher in the way. He can tell at a glance that Junpei is upset with that teacher and takes immediate action to (1) get rid of the teacher and (2) get rid of the teacher in such a way that Junpei will be appreciative of it. The magic has a method! I’m all for interpretations of Yuuji’s character that make him seem like a ray of gentle sunshine, but I really think Yuuji is quite a bit more complex than that. The way Gege has written him to hide his struggle to maintain that brightness from those who care about him is fascinating to me. Because to me it implies that the brightness is completely intentional.

Even though Gege is implying that the sunshine demeanor is somewhat of a mask, the writing shows that Yuuji is 100% what he seems when it comes to his determination to do good and his unshakeable moral fiber. And the Junpei x Yuuji friendship to tragic death bullet train reallly pulls no punches in that regard. But the murder of Junpei by Mahito was really only a training session for the desolation Yuuji is facing now that Megumi has been caged by Sukuna.

Through the first season Yuuji says something really interesting which my Japanese is not good enough to properly translate. But it’s along the lines of: no matter what, they’re curses. His vast ability to empathize is part of the Yuuji magic, and he extends that empathy to everyone, including cursed spirits and curse users and his fellow shamans and other non-shamans too. But time and again, the curses he faces show him that his empathy is misplaced and is in fact a detriment.

Megumi has no such empathy toward curses (and rather like Junpei, Megumi has a depleted stock of empathy toward his fellow humans). And out of all the cast of characters it is Megumi bully-of-bullies who has had the most parallels to Sukuna, former human and King of Curses. All of which makes me wonder if that powerful empathy that did in fact reach Junpei in the end (before Mahito did him dirty) will need to be directed Sukuna this time around. Because Megumi is exhausted. If he did have the emotional bandwidth to imagine being free and in control of his body, he can’t have the energy to imagine what he would do with that freedom. Not since the two people who have known him his whole life lay dead at his hands. So no matter how much Yuuji might wish to try, empathy won’t reach Megumi.

This doesn’t mean he can’t reach Sukuna. Much as Mahito nearly rewrote Yuuji’s whole credo, I think there is an emotional lever that Yuuji can pull that will work on Sukuna. Because at the end of the day Yuuji sees curses as people too. He just has to think from Sukuna’s perspective…in truth Yuuji needs to think from Megumi’s perspective so he can grope his way toward understanding Sukuna. Luckily, unlike Gojou who tried but ultimately I don’t think ever really understood what Megumi was thinking about, Yuuji does actually understand Megumi’s worldview, even as he may not agree.

And I think that the time is coming when Yuuji will get his chance. Hana is firing Jacob’s Ladder at Megumi/Sukuna again, and I think Yuuji and Sukuna will have their moment to ‘communicate’ as many of the other characters have had at the moment of death.