#he’s such a complex character. like he doesn’t seem to at first glance but if you actually DELVE into it?

[thedaythatwas]

something I appreciate about akechi as a character is that he never seems to think hmm, maybe I should emotionally distance myself from joker, because being invested in him could end up being bad for me when I need to kill him. the vengeance-oriented character goro is made out to be at first glance ought to think like this, but NO! goro akechi is NOT (just) that guy!

from the beginning, akechi goes above and beyond the minimum requirements of getting intel on joker and gaining his trust. he says, I’ll go the extra mile! I’m going to follow him around, inside and outside the metaverse. we’re going to talk about my dead mom. I’m going to insist that we’re RIVALS! I’ll spend so long thinking about all the reasons I hate him that it’ll become obvious to everyone around me— even joker’s (not a) cat— that what I feel isn’t really hate but something much more complex. obviously, this will make killing him that much more gratifying, because our lives are now intertwined! HA! take that joker! I WIN!

I believe this… interesting… thought process has something to do with akechi’s central motivation being more than just a desire for vengeance. he also desperately craves approval and recognition. akechi is not actually all that pragmatic. he’s highly driven by emotion, sometimes at the cost of logic (I mean… his revenge plot isn’t all that mature or well-thought through. it’s basically suicidal).

this considered, it seems that becoming akiren’s rival would be second nature to goro. it gives him a veritable cornucopia of things he craves. winning their “game” allows him to feel recognized for his worth. just playing it gives him opportunities to feel seen and known. being a rival is addictive. he gets the chance to embrace the anger he cultivates towards akiren and the rush of putting him at the center of his thoughts. their rivalry is by far the most intimate relationship akechi has. and so, he gets more and more tangled up with joker— and in his feelings about joker— regardless of any risk that poses to his plans. distancing himself would go against goro’s every instinct.

being akiren’s rival is tied to akechi’s vengeance, but somewhere along the line, “besting joker” evolves to be about more than plotting against shido. this is probably for similar reasons as to why akechi’s desire for vengeance against his father was never purely about “vengeance” at all.

of course, this comes with the pesky, entirely predictable side effect of akechi getting a bit obsessed. oh well! it doesn’t end up stopping him from trying to carry out his order to kill akiren.

regardless of how events actually unfold, akechi’s feelings are a clean-cut liability to his revenge plot. a rational character would probably want to avoid such an obvious crack in his armor. this to say, as intelligent as akechi is, he’s not really all that rational. there’s a difference! he’s not who he appears to be at first glance, or even second or third glance. he’s not the detective prince, or an assassin with tunnel vision for vengeance, or even just plain angry. akechi wants to be needed, and he’ll do anything to chase that feeling.

so yeah, it would’ve been nice if he had found a homoerotic rival before the shido revenge plot debacle happened! alas.

[autistic-ben-tennyson]

Ben and Gwen: lonely kid and gifted child

I’ve thought a lot about these two and their family dynamic. Both are relatable to me but in different ways. Like Gwen, I’ve always been the “mature” one who was good at school and loved by the adults in my life, but I also don’t have any friends and have a desire for fame and attention like Ben. At first glance, they seem to have little to complain about, being white kids with stable homes and two parents, compared to someone like Kevin, but there’s more to a character than just the surface and I think both have a lot of emotional issues relating to their self worth.

With Gwen, we get glimpses into her life and how everyone views her as perfect. Sunny envied how she was adored by her parents and Verdona and Gwen wished her mother would stop thinking of her as the “good influence”. All the adults in her family loved her and expected her to be the role model for the other kids which is a double edged sword. Yes you get praise and love but also pressure and high expectations. You’re expected to babysit the other kids and often have to bury your true feelings to please everyone and people will envy the love you get. And that love is often conditional and based around living up to their standards, remember how Natalie told her “normal people don’t glow” and how she doesn’t like her daughter or nephew using their powers around her.

As a kid, she was constantly doing extracurriculars like cotillion and judo before earning a scholarship to go to college early in Omniverse. We got a glimpse into her daily life in “It’s not Easy Being Gwen” where everyone expects her to fulfill certain obligations. Gwen seems like a child prodigy who feels she has to be the best and is always filling her schedule with activities and is always trying to get into the top schools. I think that’s why she fell for Kevin. He was the only one who loved her without putting her on a pedestal or because she’s family. The only person she could be herself around and doesn’t force her to act like a perfectionist. People complain about her outfit change in OV and I agree with some of the criticisms, but with all the pressure in her life, I get why she would want a change from the expectations in her life.

Ben strikes me as someone with a deep inferiority complex. It’s implied that he’s a bit of a loner who doesn’t have many friends with JT ditching him for Cash. He did get along better with Sunny which makes me wonder if he can relate to being in Gwen’s shadow. Fans talk about how great Carl and Sandra are as parents and while they are nice people, their free range approach can seem negligent. They only seemed concerned about Ben’s heroics once they witnessed it. By that time, Ben had been on late night road trips with Kevin, who punched holes in their doors, for weeks and didn’t even come home one night in “Save the Last Dance”. Ben may have acted the way he did in the OS as a cry for help as he feels neglected and the favoritism everyone has towards Gwen may rub off on him. It reminds me a bit of how Steven from SU acted the way he did in the early episodes because he was constantly being left alone without the gems or Greg while being compared to Rose. Kids who don’t have friends nor get much attention while living in a family member’s shadow can and do develop inferiority complexes.

Ben’s desire for fame seems to stem from wanting to be loved and wanting to feel special. He becomes so full of himself because people finally love him as opposed to viewing him as some average kid. Fans have dismissed the bullying he faced as cliche or unnecessary but it adds to his character. A lonely, bullied kid who’s in the shadow of his overachieving cousin will want something that makes him feel special, like the Omnitrix. Ben has to learn throughout the 4 shows that he is the hero, not the watch. I think that’s why he loved using transformations like Four-arms, Humungousaur and Feedback so much even if they were inadequate for the situation as they made him feel confident. The way he fights is reminiscent of standing up to a bully too, picking an intimidating form, offering a chance to back off and then doing what he can to stop the threat. It’s easy to write him off as just a spoiled brat or narcissistic but I think 1, that’s ableist and 2, is a rather shallow way of looking at his character. While he can be insufferable at times, is it wrong to want acknowledgement or praise when there’s people like Will Harangue or the Rooters who hate you just for existing? I think he deserves a break from fans who hate him and he acts a lot better than most kids would in his situation. Compare him to Shinji Ikari from Evangelion, who I also love as a character, who would break down after seeing what Ben has to deal with every day.

I think both may envy each other at times. Gwen has been shown to be jealous of Ben getting all the glory as well as how Ben was given a car by her boyfriend despite her parents being wealthier. Like Sunny, Ben may have viewed Gwen as a stuck-up overachiever who got all the respect from their parents. That was until they bonded and became friends in the OS but it occasionally came back like when Ben lashed out at her for telling him he couldn’t use Feedback, believing she was trying to take the only thing he had. Because they have it easier than Kevin, it’s easy to expect them to just get over it but I think both Tennyson cousins need a lot of therapy and need to talk about their issues with each other. Both characters mean a lot to me and remind me of my own struggles.

[willowswiththorns]

I’ve noticed a drought in Jess Mariano x readers. I’m not use to writing fics so I’ll do some head canons for now. As always if you have any suggestions, my commissions are open. Thank you for reading - Willow

Jess Mariano Drabble

First thing that needs to be stated is that Jess Mariano is a complex character, so I am breaking him down by a few seasons at a time.

Season 2 :

Meeting Jess in Stars Hallow will be an interesting and almost intense experience. You’d meet either at Luke’s, in high school, or in the bookstore.

If you meet at Luke’s, you’d catch his eye. He wouldn’t say anything, but he would subtly make his presence known. A good example would be him helping Luke for the first time by bringing over your plate of food/drink before abruptly leaving the diner.

Now if you both meet at the bookstore, you would most definitely get his attention. He’ll sneak past you a few times, trying to peak and see what books you were looking at before finally saying something regarding the book. Once the conversation starts, it’ll last a good while and end with him giving you a book recommendation before heading out. He’ll give you one little last glance back.

If first meet at high school, it’ll be the least amount of interaction. You’d be sitting beside him in the back row of class, zoning out and looking around until your eyes fall on him. Jess isn’t paying attention to the lesson either, he’s more invested in a small book he snuck into class . He’s so zoned into the book, he doesn’t notice you staring into him. It wasn’t until the bell rang that he’d look over for a second and notice you. He’d stare at you, a bit confused before he’d get up to walk away.

Now the second time you bump into him, he’d seem a bit more comfortable with you. You’d be sitting on a bench by the gazebo reading when you feel movement by the space beside you. “Hey “ is all he’d say at first before looking down at your book. “The Virgin Suicide? That sounds interesting” he’d tease softly in his monotone voice. He’d then grab your book and take a look at the back “Jeez, this look depressing-“ he’d hand the book back and ask you your thoughts about it. You both would be talking about the plot about the book and how it was inspired by the author’s teenage babysitter. Needless to say you were both debating literature for a while.

After that quality time at the park, the chances of seeing Jess again is high. In fact, if he sees you around town, rest assured he’ll find his way over to you. He isn’t opened about his past with you, so deep talks are out the window. However, he’s open to chatting about day to day things in his life. Any conversation about your day to day life you’d notice how intently Jess listens in. He shows he listens to you, he even sometimes brings up small details you’ve mentioned briefly in conversation. The most you’ll hear if he talks is about his uncle or how the town’s people don’t like him that much except for maybe two girls, you and Rory.

You and Jess meet up a lot more after his trip to the Independence Inn wedding. However in most of his meet ups he seems a bit withdrawn, and you can’t help but wonder why. If you push for why a bit with Jess, he’ll grumble about how Rory kissed him. Needless to say the relationship gets a bit rocky from here, however if you comfort him well about the situation with Rory, he will come to you more about his feelings. Slowly but surely, you both become closer to each other, confiding to each other about each other’s past experiences. You open up to him about your living situation and lack of plans for the future, how you’re afraid of being alone but know staying with your parents past high school will only make you a financial burden onto them. He eventually opened up about how his dad wasn’t around, how his mom was unreliable and dumped him off to his uncle as soon as she couldn’t handle him anymore.

Season 3 :

The summer between you two is nothing short of amazing. He’s practically glued to your hip, and it’s a bit of gossip for the town of you both potentially dating. However neither you nor Jess has confessed any romantic feelings to each other, so the rumors were just that. You’d be found either at Luke’s with Jess, or Jess would be spotted sneaking up into your room to spend time with you. Lying down on his bed, you listened to Jess reading Howl by Allen Ginsburg out loud. He’s only holding the paperback with one hand while his other was in your hair, slowly letting his fingers scratch gently at your scalp. “ The wage they pay us is too low to live on. Tragedy reduced the numbers. This for the poor shepherds- Y/n?“ he’d only pause once he’d realized your usual commentary was replaced with soft almost quiet snores. With a sign, he’d put the book on his nightstand and got more comfortable so he can join you in your little nap.

Your feelings regarding Jess definitely have grown over the summer together, sadly it wasn’t too long before he was caught making out with the girl from your science class, Shane. He was still around more and still having the habits of cuddling in bed reading with you or looking at records together at a store, it’s just sometimes Shane would invite herself. Shane was always very touchy and flirty with Jess, but she was never really heinous to you. The only time she’d show agitation with you is if she wants alone time with Jess and even then you’d find Jess sneaking into your room later that night to see you.

With your now duo becoming a trio, you had gotten to get to know Shane more and actually got along with her well. She offers you any hair tips and tricks since she works at the Beauty Supply. Other than the awkward times where both Jess and Shane would have awkward acts of PDA in the most random places, being able to hang out with them is a pleasant experience.

Once Rory comes back to town it becomes a bit more tense of an environment. Even though Shane doesn’t notice Jess using her to make Rory jealous, you notice almost right away. Trying to talk to Jess about the situation only makes him mad and shut down completely with you, so much so that you don’t accompany him and Shane to the 24 hour dance. You find out rather quickly that shit hits the fan when you see a crying Shane at your door, explaining everything that went down. After comforting her and walking her home, you decide to stop by Luke’s only to find that Jess isn’t home. Luke mentions that he’d pass the word to Jess that you stopped by. With that you head home.

Once Jess and Rory’s relationship became public, it has become clear that any free time would go to his new girlfriend. Seeing Jess occasionally is bittersweet, the most he’d do when seeing you around town is use the free hand that’s not wrapped around Rory to wave to you. It isn’t until one night he comes to you all frustrated, not telling you what’s happening to make him upset. He doesn’t really open up until a few hours later into the night after you get him in a more comfortable spot. Everything about his life that’s bugging him, Rory and his love life, flunking out of school, bumping into his father for the first time, and the town hating him are all reasons as to why he’s upset. It wasn’t until you slowly tried to hug him that he looked at you. Jess isn’t the type of guy to cry in front of anyone, but just looking him in the eye you can tell he’s exhausted. Grabbing his hand, you slowly dragged him into bed, making sure he took his shoes off before putting the blankets on the both of you. “You don’t need to do this, this was a mistake-“ You smiled and shushed him , curling up next to him. “ Shut up and sleep. Goodnight Jess” As you slowly drifted off to sleep, you hear him whisper a goodnight to you.

When you wake up, the bed is empty. There was no trace of him still being in your room. A little bit of panic hits you as you get up and grab your phone to dial to Luke’s. Luke picks up and when you ask if Jess made it home safely, he hesitant to answer. After a little bit of pushing, Luke tells you that Jess skipped town.

Season 4 :

It’s been a long while since you’ve seen Jess, but the memories of him still stick with you. The most memorable thing is that last night between the two of you. How he let you curled up against him and how his arms slowly wrapped up around your body. Your parents are concerned about how you lock yourself in your room unless you have to go to work. They force you to get out the house for the festivities in town. The ghost of him lingers everywhere you go, it’s a shock when you see a glimpse of Jess at one of the town’s festivals. You see him chase after Rory and you can’t help but feel your heart swell. With slowly steps, you go to Jess’s car as you see him quickly run from Rory to his car to drive away.

Jess almost hits you on his way out of town. His brain has sent him reeling so much over the fact that he confessed to Rory that he almost hits you. Seeing you in front of his car with the look of pure fear and heartbreak in your eyes fills his chest with guilt and dread. He never truly said goodbye to you, but he wasn’t never the best at goodbyes. Not being able to handle any more heartbreak, he turned his car around you so he could speed away.

At this point the thought of Jess sends feelings of loneliness strike through you. He’s a runner from all his responsibilities, not thinking about who he hurts. All the times you both spent together just for him to leave not once but twice without even uttering a goodbye to you.

One morning eating at Luke’s, an older woman comes in asking if Luke was around. Since your mouth was full of fries, you pointed at Luke talking to Lorelai. With in a matter of seconds Luke pulls this mystery woman to the kitchen to bicker and argue before the woman walks off upstairs.

After a few days of ease-dropping, you find out that the mystery woman Luke was arguing about was actually his sister, Jess’s mother. She and her fiance, TJ, were planning their renaissance wedding in the town’s square. After one day of eating at Luke’s and looking at some jewelry that Liz had out for sale, she asks about who you were. Smiling, you explain how you eat here regularly and was actually a friend of Jess. Liz’s smile beamed bright as she’d grab your arm “ You should come to TJ and My’s wedding! I’m sure Jess would love to see you there!” You smile and look down at your shoes before awkwardly answering with a small, “I don’t think he’ll want to see me-“ Shed cut you off “ Nonsense! Please come, me and TJ would love for you to join us!” With a small sign, you agreed to come.

The day of the wedding was delightful to say the least. You asked Mrs Patty if she had any renaissance themed clothes you could wear to the wedding, and she brought out a very pretty gown she had in her costume closet she has for her dancers. The town square was filled with people in costumes, you’d fit in just fine. Finding a place to sit was a bit difficult, but a man who claimed to be TJ’s brother let you sit up a row in front of Luke and Lorelai. “Lorelai you look amazing!” You’d say, spin around to talk to the woman behind you. She’d show a beautiful smile and reply back “thanks hon! You look great too! I think I actually sewed that up for one of Mrs Patty’s recitals last year-“ you let out a little chuckle “ I guess I got busted, yeah I borrowed it from Patty” you both chat a bit more until you see Jess walk down the isle. Your eyes met before you’d force yourself to look away. As Liz and TJ got to the alter, Jess takes a seat next to you. You can feel his gaze dig into the side of your face as you try to keep your eyes on the ceremony. After the wedding, you do your best to keep your distance from Jess. It’s better to just be away from him rather than let him hurt you by leaving unannounced again. When the after party ends, you’re quick to make your way home, reminding yourself to just drop off the dress to Patty tomorrow morning.

As you’re making your way over the bridge you hear Jess call out to you. You try to speed walk more but to no avail, you feel a strong hand grip your wrist and pulled you towards him. “ Jess-“ you’d cry out in shock as he holds you close. Looking up, you can see the anguish in his eyes, his face trying to not be too expressive as he tries to find out what to say. “ y/n….I” you try to pull away but he doesn’t budge. “ I know I left and I’m sorry. I miss you, and I love you…” you shake your head “ you can’t just come back after leaving me twice and god!” You push him away “ you can’t just say you love me!” Tears slowly started to form as you try to walk away again, him tailing close behind. “ I’m different now! I know you couldn’t count on me before but you can now! It’s different I promise. We can leave together, right now! “ You stop your walk and turn to him. “ what’re you talking about? “ he’d grab your hands and get closer to you. “Let’s go. We can leave this town and be together. We don’t need to stay here y/n. Please, you can count on me now I promise.” The both of you stand awkwardly on the bridge now, not sure what to do. You stand there for a minute and ponder your choices. You can either say no and go back to your home or you can say yes and run away with the man you fell in love with years ago.

You look away and let go of his hands. “ Jess I…” you started but Jess sighs “ forget it. It was stupid to ask…” with a turn, he starts to walk away. “Wait! Jess- “ you yelled out again. “ what?” He asked, stopping abruptly and turning back to you. “ I thought about it… with my work and my family I should say no.” The look of rejection plastered on his face. You let out a weak laugh, tears now streaming down your face as you finished.

“But I love you too, and I’d be a fool to let you leave me again. Help me pack?”

Season 6 :

You both have had your ups and downs these past few months. Jess rooms with a few guys he works with up in a Philadelphia bookshop, meanwhile you’ve saved up enough for a cute little apartment from the two jobs you’ve been working at nonstop since you ran away. Jess usually spends the night at the bookstore, but when you’re both off he prefers to stay at your studio apartment.

Tonight you were celebrating the release of Jess’s first book. He has it set up and ready to sell to the public, but for tonight he’s all yours. He’d let out a low chuckle as you’d wrap your arms around his waist, kissing up his neck before hiding your face. “ Congratulations honey~” you’d whisper softly, your breath tickling his neck. His hands slowly play with your hair as he uses his free hand to take a sip of his champagne. “ thank you.” He whispered back, turning his head to you so he could place a little kiss on your head.

Day of the book being released to the public was a very hectic one to say the least. The room that was usually quiet and empty was now packed with people. Jess stayed close to you as he talked to customers, his hand gently on the small of your back. The smile on his face grew as he saw Luke and his niece, April enter the store. You both immediately go to the pair and greet them. Luke giving both you and Jess a strong hug. The conversation was pleasant as you mostly just listened to the three talk amongst themselves. Another familiar face meets your vision and you tense up a little. Jess feels you tense up and follows your stare to see none other than Rory Gilmore. She smiles and says hi to you both, and you let out a small hi before looking at the ground. Everyone resumes talking as you zone out.

After Luke and April wave goodbye and head out, so did many other customers as the store was getting ready to close. You and a few of the guys who also own the place start cleaning up as Rory and Jess talk. You do your best to not listen to their conversation, but curiosity consumed you. Their conversation was pretty tame for the most part, but something in you can sense that Rory misses Jess in some ways. As you see her lean in for a kiss, Jess stops her and gets up. He wishes her a safe trip home and gives her a small hug before walking over to you, his hand grabbing yours as he walked Rory out with you.

When Rory left, you looked up at Jess with worried eyes. You trusted Jess completely and have been through everything with him, but some part of you feared he might still have friends with Rory. It seemed Jess could read that off your expression almost instantly and tried to reassure you. “ You know I love you and only you, right?” He’d ask you, his hand slowly moving to be around your waist. You’d give a small nod, looking away. You hated how easily he could read you now. A small smile would form on his face as he’d move you to face him. “ She’s my friend and that’s it. I promise. I love you y/n. “ he’d tell you before slowly leaning in to kiss your lips.

AYITL :

It’s been years now, the both of you have already tied the knot and been together for nearly a decade now. You both agreed to get married, but not have a big reception like everyone else. In fact, the people who came to watch you and Jess get married was Jess’s family. Now you both live together in a nice apartment, enjoying the married life. Jess is working on his book and overall working on his self improvement more, meanwhile you are working your dream job and helping Jess out with his new book he’s writing.

When Jess mentions heading back to the small town you both met at, you were a bit nervous. You hadn’t seen your family since the night you ran away with Jess. Sometimes you wondered how they were doing, if you leaving ever really hurt them in some way. Dread and guilt hit you like a freight train at the thought. There was only one time you tried to call your parents during the first few months after you ran away, and even then hearing them pick up and ask who was calling scared you so much, you hung up almost instantly. Jess had to hold you that night as you cried. The memory alone made you feel sick, however you know going with Jess was the right approach.

Entering Stars Hallow sent you back to the time you were a young teen. It was like the town has barely changed, and by the look in Jess’s face, he seemed to feel the same. After parking the truck, you both walked up into Luke’s Diner. Luke looked a little older now, but he seemed the same as the many years before. The older man was quick to come and hug you both, welcoming you in for food. You watched the both of them talk for a bit before spotting your mom walking into the diner. Your eyes met hers as she stood there in shock to see you. The fear of her hating you for running away without a goodbye flooded back. “ Mom-“ You were cut short by your mom running over to hug you tightly. Both Jess and Luke seemed a bit tense, watching the scene unfold. “ I’m so sorry.. leaving the way I did. I know you probably don’t forgive me for leaving. I’m sorry” Tears started to well up as you apologized. “ I’m sorry for leaving you and Dad, I just didn’t know how to tell you-“ Your mom shushes you gently and doesn’t let go. “ You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay, Jess reached out a few years ago in your behalf and kept us updated. We’re just happy you’re happy honey.”

After that nice encounter, it felt like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You let Jess go to the gazette to visit Rory as you talked to your mother some more. The idea of Jess and Rory use to plague your mind of worry, however Jess has done nothing but be loyal to you so the fear overtime vanished. You showed your mother the wedding ring you have and smiled. For the rest of the day, you spent time with your family, you did have a decade of time to catch up on with them.

Later that night you came to Luke’s upper apartment to sleep. Luke moved into the Gilmore house a few years ago, so he loans out the upper apartment for you and Jess to stay In whenever you both were in town. Yawning, you kicked off your shoes and stripped off your clothes so you could change into your pajamas. Jess came out of the bathroom, stretching as he watched you change. “ How did I get so lucky to have you?” He’d ask, walking over to you and kissing your neck. The feeling of his lips on your skin makes you shutter slightly, a blush creeping onto your cheeks. “ Hmmm I don’t know babe~” you’d tease playfully and in red he’d let out a fake gasp of shock to play along. The kisses up your neck and jawline didn’t halt however, he was just getting started. “ God I love you so much “ he’d whisper in your ear before turning you to face him. You both locked eyes as pressed yourself against him. His eyes were filled with love and adoration for you. He is the love of your life, and you are the love of his life. With a loving smile, you kiss him on the lips. He tried to deepen the kiss, however you push him away for only a second. You only had one thing to tell him before you’d continue .

“ I love you too Jess.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you guys enjoyed this. I’m running on a few hours of sleep, so if the pacing or grammar is a bit off I’m so sorry. I tried to keep true to the timeline and add more details to it. I also wanted to add more information towards y’all’s character, but if you don’t like the family part I totally get it. Please let me know what y’all think in the comments. My commissions are open so let me know 🥰 thank you guys again for reading and supporting my writing. Have a wonderful day everyone! - Willow

[amethystarachnid]

Part 2 for A challenge of you (tony stark) . I'm too lazy to rewrite it all, sorry 😅💐

THE CHALLENGE OF YOU - part II

⤷ ANTHONY “TONY” E. STARK

ᯓ★ Pairing: Anthony “Tony” E. Stark x fem!reader

ᯓ★ Genre: romance, fluff

ᯓ★ Request from: MARVEL bingo

ᯓ★ Requests status: open

ᯓ★ Part I

ᯓ★ Summary: You and Tony are now seeing each other, going on dates and everything seems perfect...That is until one date in particular seems to go entirely wrong, is it really all a terrible coincidence ?

ᯓ★ AU: Tony is younger here, like mid to late 20s and is attending an abroad college

ᯓ★ Word count: 7.2k

ᯓ★ TW(s): none I think

ᯓ★ Comment if you want to be added to the taglist (specify if you want the everything taglist or for a specific character)

ᯓ★ My Masterlist

ᯓ★ Songs & Superheroes tales - The Game (to make a request, follow the rules on the link!)

ᯓ★ MARVEL Bingo (requests open)

ᯓ★ English isn’t my first language

The days that follow are an odd mix of ease and tension as you and Tony navigate this fragile new dynamic. True to his word, Tony dials back the teasing, trading his sharp-edged quips for a warmth you’re still getting used to. It feels… nice, working alongside him without the constant undercurrent of competition. There’s a rhythm to your study sessions now, the quiet hum of the library punctuated by the scratch of pens and occasional murmured exchanges of ideas.

And yet, despite the progress, there’s a storm brewing beneath the surface.

You still study with Andrew on occasion—he’s reliable, kind, and easy to talk to, and you’re not about to abandon him just because Tony decided to change his tune. But every time you mention Andrew’s name or leave the library to meet up with him, you can feel the subtle shift in Tony’s demeanor. He tries to hide it, keeps his tone light and his expression neutral, but it’s there in the way his jaw tightens and his pen moves just a little too forcefully across the page.

He never says anything about it, though. Not directly. After all, what claim does he have? You’re not dating. You’re just… figuring things out, right? And yet, there’s an unspoken tension that lingers between you whenever Andrew comes up, a weight neither of you are willing to address.

One evening, the two of you are seated across from each other at your usual spot in the library. The table is littered with papers, textbooks, and Tony’s laptop, which is currently blasting calculations across the screen. You’re halfway through explaining a particularly complex concept when your phone buzzes on the table, Andrew’s name lighting up the screen.

“Sorry, one sec,” you say, picking up the phone. Tony doesn’t respond, but you catch the way his eyes flicker to the screen, his fingers pausing mid-typing.

“Hey, Andrew,” you say, keeping your voice low to avoid disturbing the other students around you. “What’s up?”

Tony doesn’t look at you, but his focus on his laptop seems suddenly forced. His typing resumes, faster this time, the keys clicking loudly in the otherwise quiet space.

You finish the call quickly, promising Andrew you’ll meet him tomorrow to review some notes. When you set the phone down, Tony finally speaks, his tone casual but his words too deliberate. “Andrew again, huh? You two seem pretty tight.”

You glance up, taken aback by the comment. “Yeah, he’s been helping me with some of my projects. Why?”

“No reason,” Tony says, his eyes glued to his laptop screen. “Just an observation.”

There’s a tension in his voice that makes you pause. “Tony, if you have something to say, just say it.”

He finally looks at you, his expression unreadable. “It’s nothing, really. I mean, you can study with whoever you want, right? It’s not like I—” He cuts himself off, shaking his head as if brushing the thought away. “Forget it.”

But you don’t forget it. His words linger in the air between you, heavy with unspoken meaning. You want to press him, to force him to admit whatever it is he’s holding back, but something stops you. Maybe it’s the vulnerability in his eyes, or maybe it’s your own uncertainty about where this thing between you is heading. Either way, you let it go—for now.

The next few weeks pass in much the same way. You spend most of your time with Tony, working on projects, sharing ideas, and even grabbing the occasional coffee when study sessions run long. He’s different now—more attentive, more thoughtful. He listens when you speak, really listens, and you find yourself opening up to him in ways you never expected.

But then there are the moments when Andrew’s name comes up, and the cracks in Tony’s facade begin to show. He never outright criticizes Andrew, but his comments become sharper, laced with a jealousy he doesn’t seem to know how to hide.

One afternoon, you’re sitting in a quiet corner of the library, poring over a particularly dense textbook. Tony is next to you, his laptop open but his attention clearly elsewhere. He’s been unusually quiet today, and you finally break the silence.

“Okay, what’s up with you?” you ask, setting your pen down.

Tony looks at you, feigning confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve been weirdly quiet all day. Did something happen?”

He hesitates, and for a moment, you think he’s actually going to tell you. But then he shrugs, forcing a smile. “Nothing happened. Just tired, I guess.”

You don’t believe him, but you decide not to push. If he wants to talk, he’ll talk. Instead, you turn your attention back to your textbook, determined to focus on the task at hand.

But Tony’s mood doesn’t improve, and over the next few days, the tension between you grows. It comes to a head one evening when you’re leaving the library together. The campus is quiet, the sun setting behind the distant hills, and you’re both walking in companionable silence.

Until Tony breaks it.

“So, are you and Andrew… you know?” he asks, his tone casual but his words anything but.

You stop in your tracks, turning to face him. “Are we what?”

“Dating,” he says, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Or, I don’t know, something like that.”

You stare at him, caught off guard by the question. “Why would you think that?”

He shrugs, but his eyes betray him, filled with a vulnerability you haven’t seen before. “I don’t know. You just spend a lot of time with him, and I guess I thought…” He trails off, looking away.

“Tony,” you say, your voice softening. “Andrew and I are just friends. He’s been helping me with some of my work, that’s all.”

He looks back at you, relief flickering across his face, but it’s quickly replaced by something else—an emotion you can’t quite place. “Right. Of course. Friends.”

There’s a moment of silence, heavy and charged, before you speak again. “Why does it matter to you, anyway?”

The question hangs in the air, and for a moment, you think he won’t answer. But then he takes a deep breath, his eyes meeting yours with an intensity that makes your heart race.

“Because I care about you,” he says, his voice steady but filled with emotion. “More than I should, probably. And the thought of you being with someone else—” He cuts himself off, shaking his head. “Forget it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

But you don’t let him brush it off this time. “Tony…”

He looks at you, his expression torn between hope and fear. “I know I’ve screwed up before, and I don’t deserve a second chance, but I’m trying. I’m really trying. I just—” He stops, exhaling shakily. “I just want to be someone you can rely on. Someone you can trust.”

His words hit you like a tidal wave, and for a moment, you’re not sure how to respond. But as you look at him, standing there with his heart in his hands, you realize that maybe—just maybe—you’re ready to take a leap of faith.

“I trust you,” you say finally, your voice barely above a whisper. “But you have to trust me too. Andrew is just a friend, and I need you to believe that.”

Tony nods, his shoulders relaxing as relief washes over him. “I do. I promise.”

As the two of you continue walking, the tension between you begins to ease, replaced by a newfound sense of understanding. It’s not perfect, and there’s still so much left unsaid, but for the first time, you feel like you’re moving in the right direction.

The day Andrew asks you out, you almost don’t see it coming. You’re sitting across from him in a cozy coffee shop near campus, both of you hunched over a shared set of notes as the hum of soft chatter and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills the space. The study session had been productive, as usual, filled with your usual easy banter and a rhythm that comes naturally when working together.

You glance at the time on your phone and realize you’ve been at it for nearly two hours. “Wow, time really flew,” you say, closing your notebook. “Thanks for helping me with all of this, Andrew. I think I might actually pass the exam now.”

Andrew laughs, leaning back in his chair. “You’re way too hard on yourself, Y/N. You’re going to ace it. You always do.”

You roll your eyes but smile. “Still, I appreciate the help. I’d probably be in a full-blown panic mode right now if it weren’t for you.”

“Well,” Andrew says, his tone suddenly shifting into something softer, more serious. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

Something about the way he says it makes you pause. You glance up at him, catching the way he’s looking at you—an intensity in his gaze you hadn’t noticed before. You blink, suddenly unsure of where this is going.

“Y/N,” he starts, and his voice is steady but quieter now, like he’s trying to pick his words carefully. “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you. More than just studying, I mean.”

You freeze, your stomach twisting in realization. Oh no.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is…” Andrew takes a deep breath, his eyes never leaving yours. “Would you want to go out with me? Like, on a real date?”

Your heart sinks, not because you’re upset at the question, but because you already know your answer, and it’s not the one he’s hoping for.

“Andrew,” you say softly, setting your notebook aside so you can give him your full attention. “I’m really flattered. You’re such a great guy, and I care about you a lot. But I… I don’t think I see you that way.”

You can see the disappointment flash across his face, but he hides it well, offering you a small, understanding nod. “Oh,” he says, his voice steady but quieter. “Yeah. I… I get it.”

You hesitate for a moment before continuing, knowing you owe him the full truth. “I should probably tell you,” you begin, your words careful, “that I’ve been… kind of seeing someone. It’s not really official or anything, but it’s… Tony.”

Andrew raises his eyebrows, clearly surprised by the revelation, but he doesn’t say anything right away. Instead, he leans back in his chair, processing your words.

“Tony Stark,” he says after a beat, his tone somewhere between disbelief and amusement. “The guy who used to be your academic nemesis?”

You smile faintly, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “Yeah, that’s the one.”

Andrew exhales, shaking his head with a rueful smile. “Well, I can’t say I saw that coming. But hey, if he makes you happy, then… I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you,” you say sincerely, relief washing over you at his response. “And I really do hope we can still be friends. I’d hate to lose what we have.”

Andrew nods, his smile softening. “We’ll always be friends, Y/N. Don’t worry about that.”

The two of you part ways on good terms, but as you walk back to your dorm, you can’t help but feel a mix of emotions. You’re relieved that Andrew took it so well, but the weight of what you’ve just admitted—to him and to yourself—lingers in your mind. You’re “kind of” seeing Tony. Is that really what this is? And if it’s not, then what is it?

That question gnaws at you for days, until Tony finally takes the leap himself.

It happens on a quiet evening in the library, the two of you tucked into your usual corner with your laptops and notebooks spread out around you. You’re in the middle of scribbling down a solution to a tricky problem when you notice Tony watching you, his pen idle in his hand.

“What?” you ask, looking up at him.

He shakes his head, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Nothing. You’re just… really something, you know that?”

You blink, caught off guard by the sincerity in his voice. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” Tony says, setting his pen down and leaning forward slightly, “that I think you’re incredible. And I’m kind of kicking myself for not telling you that sooner.”

Your heart skips a beat, and you’re not entirely sure what to say. “Tony…”

“Let me finish,” he interrupts gently. “I know I’ve screwed up in the past, and I’ve probably given you every reason not to trust me. But I’ve been trying—really trying—to show you that I’m serious about this. About you.”

You stare at him, your chest tightening as his words sink in. There’s no trace of the cocky, self-assured Tony Stark you used to know in this moment. He’s vulnerable, raw, and it’s both terrifying and exhilarating to see him like this.

“I want to take you out,” he says, his voice steady but quiet. “On a real date. No games, no jokes—just us. What do you say?”

You’re so taken aback that it takes you a moment to process his words. You’ve been expecting him to say something like this for weeks now, but hearing it out loud is a different story entirely.

“Yes,” you hear yourself say, the word slipping out before you can even think about it. “I’d like that.”

Tony blinks, clearly not expecting you to agree so easily. “Wait, really?”

“Yes, really,” you say, laughing softly at his stunned expression. “Why do you look so surprised?”

“I don’t know,” he admits, rubbing the back of his neck with a sheepish grin. “I guess I thought you’d tell me to go to hell or something.”

“Well, you’ve been on thin ice a few times,” you tease, “but I think you’ve earned it.”

The smile that spreads across Tony’s face is so wide, so unfiltered, that it makes your chest ache in the best way. He looks like he’s just won the lottery, and in a way, you suppose he has.

“I promise I won’t screw this up,” he says, his voice brimming with determination. “It’s going to be the best date of your life.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” you reply, your smile matching his.

Over the next few days, Tony throws himself into planning the date with the kind of obsessive focus he usually reserves for his projects. He doesn’t tell you much—just that it’s going to be “perfect” and that you should be ready by seven on Saturday night. You don’t press him for details, partly because you’re curious and partly because you trust him.

That trust only grows as you watch him work. He’s meticulous, poring over menus and reservations with a level of care that surprises even you. It’s clear that he’s not just trying to impress you—he’s genuinely invested in making this special, and that realization warms your heart in ways you didn’t think possible.

By the time Saturday rolls around, you’re equal parts nervous and excited. You spend more time than usual getting ready, wanting to look your best without overdoing it. When Tony shows up at your door, dressed sharply in a blazer and holding a single red rose, you can’t help but smile.

“Wow,” he says, his eyes sweeping over you. “You look… amazing.”

“Thanks,” you say, feeling your cheeks heat under his gaze. “You clean up pretty well yourself.”

He offers you his arm, and you take it, letting him lead you out into the evening. You don’t know where you’re going yet, but with Tony by your side, you have a feeling it’s going to be a night to remember.

Tony walks you across campus, the two of you chatting easily under the dim glow of the streetlights. You’ve seen him in plenty of settings—studying in the library, arguing in class, even occasionally sulking when you’ve beaten him at something—but this version of Tony Stark feels different. He’s nervous. Or at least, as nervous as someone like Tony Stark can get.

The telltale signs are all there: the way he adjusts his blazer every few minutes, the slight stumble over his words when you compliment his choice of cologne, and the way he glances at you every now and then, as if to make sure you’re still there.

“Alright, so,” he says, leading you toward a sleek black car parked just off campus. “I figured we’d start the night off with something classic. A nice dinner. Nothing too fancy, just, you know… fancy enough to make you think I have some semblance of class.”

You raise an eyebrow, suppressing a laugh. “Tony, I’ve seen your presentation slides. ‘Class’ isn’t the first word that comes to mind.”

“Hey!” he protests, opening the car door for you. “Those slides are a masterpiece of modern chaos theory. You just don’t appreciate the artistry.”

“Sure, let’s go with that,” you reply, sliding into the passenger seat.

The car ride is smooth, with Tony’s playlist—a surprising mix of classic rock and low-key jazz—playing softly in the background. He keeps the conversation light, asking about your classes and cracking the occasional joke that’s just self-deprecating enough to make you laugh.

When you arrive at the restaurant, you realize he wasn’t kidding about the “fancy enough” part. It’s an upscale Italian place, the kind with soft lighting and white tablecloths. You glance at him as he holds the door open for you, suddenly wondering how much he’s overthought this.

“Tony,” you say as the host leads you to your table, “you didn’t have to go all out.”

He shrugs, pulling out your chair for you before sitting down across from you. “What can I say? I like to make an impression. Plus, I figured this was the kind of place where the waiters won’t yell at me if I butcher the pronunciation of ‘gnocchi.’”

You laugh, the sound drawing a grin from him that’s equal parts smug and genuinely pleased.

The meal goes surprisingly well. Tony spends the first half of it cracking jokes, most of which land, though a few are met with an exaggerated eye roll from you. He’s trying—really trying—to keep the mood light, and you appreciate the effort. But as the evening goes on, the conversation shifts into something deeper.

He tells you about his family, his complicated relationship with his father, and how he’s always felt like he had to prove himself. You tell him about your own struggles, how hard you’ve worked to get to where you are, and how much it means to you to finally feel like you belong.

By the time dessert arrives—a shared tiramisu, because he insisted it would be “a crime against humanity” for you not to try it—you feel a strange warmth in your chest. You’ve always known Tony was more than just the arrogant genius he pretends to be, but tonight, you’re seeing sides of him you didn’t expect.

“Alright, so, full disclosure,” he says as the two of you finish the last bites of dessert. “I spent, like, an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out what to do tonight. I even Googled ‘how to impress a smart, beautiful girl on a first date.’”

You burst out laughing, nearly choking on your water. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“I wish I was,” he says, grinning. “But hey, at least now I know how to build a birdhouse out of popsicle sticks if this whole date thing goes south.”

“You’re ridiculous,” you say, shaking your head but smiling nonetheless.

“Yeah, but you’re smiling, so I must be doing something right.”

By the time he drives you back to campus, the two of you are in high spirits, the awkwardness of the evening’s beginning long forgotten. He walks you to your dorm, his hands stuffed in his pockets and his usual air of confidence tempered by something softer.

“So,” he says when you reach your door, rocking back on his heels. “This is the part where I say something suave and memorable, but I’m kind of drawing a blank here.”

You smile, leaning against the doorframe. “You don’t always have to try so hard, Tony. Sometimes less is more.”

“Noted,” he says, his grin turning slightly nervous. He hesitates for a moment, his eyes flicking to your lips and then back to your eyes. “Can I—uh—would it be okay if I kissed you?”

The question catches you off guard—not because you weren’t expecting it, but because of the way he asks it, with none of the cocky bravado you’ve come to associate with him. It’s just… him, raw and unguarded, and it makes your heart skip a beat.

You nod, your voice barely above a whisper. “Yeah. It’s okay.”

He steps closer, his hand coming up to gently cup your cheek as he leans in. The kiss is soft, tentative at first, like he’s afraid of messing it up. But as you respond, your arms wrapping around his neck, he deepens it, and for a moment, the rest of the world fades away.

When you finally pull back, you’re both slightly breathless, and Tony’s smile is so wide it’s almost ridiculous.

“Wow,” he says, his voice a little hoarse. “I mean, I knew it would be good, but… wow.”

You laugh, swatting him lightly on the shoulder. “Don’t ruin the moment, Stark.”

“Right, right,” he says, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “Moment officially not ruined.”

He steps back, his hands slipping into his pockets as he watches you with a look that’s equal parts awe and adoration. “So… same time next week?”

You pretend to think about it for a moment before nodding. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

“Good,” he says, his grin widening. “Because I already started planning date number two.”

You roll your eyes, but your smile betrays you. As you step inside your dorm, closing the door behind you, you can’t help but feel like something’s shifted between you and Tony. And for the first time in a long time, you’re excited to see where it leads.

Tony is impossible to ignore in class.

You’re used to his cocky confidence, the way he leans back in his chair as though lectures are just optional background noise to whatever’s going on in his mind. But ever since your date, he’s been… different. Still cocky, still Tony, but there’s something softer in the way he looks at you, a glimmer in his eyes when you catch him sneaking glances at you during lessons.

Not that he’s subtle about it.

“Y/N,” he says one day after a particularly heated debate in class where, of course, he had to contradict your every point. You’re gathering your notes, ignoring him as best you can when he leans in close, his voice low enough that no one else can hear. “Am I distracting you?”

You glance up, shooting him a glare that only seems to amuse him further. “No, Tony. You’re annoying me.”

“Same thing,” he replies, flashing you a grin that’s both infuriating and, annoyingly, charming. “If I promise to stop being annoying, will you let me steal a kiss later?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Worth a shot.”

You shake your head, but your lips twitch into a smile despite yourself. He doesn’t miss it, of course, and he walks away looking far too pleased with himself.

It’s a pattern that repeats itself in every class you share. Tony finds a way to sit near you, to tease you, to catch your attention. Sometimes, when the professor isn’t looking, he’ll scribble something ridiculous on a scrap of paper and slide it onto your desk. Other times, he’ll catch your eye from across the room and mouth something like, “Dinner tonight?” or “You’re killing me with that sweater.”

You roll your eyes every time, but there’s a warmth in your chest that’s impossible to ignore.

One afternoon, you’re studying with Andrew in the library. It’s quiet, the two of you seated at a corner table with your books and notes spread out between you. The focus is meant to be on your upcoming exam, but Andrew’s been unusually chatty today.

“So,” he says, breaking the silence as he leans back in his chair. “How’d your date with Tony go?”

You pause mid-sentence, glancing up from your notebook. “My date?”

“Yeah,” he says, shrugging as if it’s no big deal. “Last week. You left early to get ready, remember? So, how was it?”

“Oh,” you say, feeling a little flustered. You hadn’t realized he’d noticed, let alone remembered. “It was… nice.”

“Nice?” Andrew raises an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. “That’s it?”

You can’t help but laugh at his expression. “Okay, fine. It was more than nice. He was… different. In a good way.”

Andrew nods slowly, his expression unreadable. “Different how?”

You hesitate, unsure how much to share. But Andrew’s been a good friend, and you trust him not to make a big deal out of it. “He was sweet,” you admit. “Not what I expected, honestly. And he’s already planning a second date.”

At that, Andrew sits up straighter. “A second date, huh? When’s that happening?”

“Saturday,” you reply without thinking much of it.

Andrew doesn’t say anything right away, but there’s something in his expression that makes you pause. Before you can ask, though, he changes the subject, diving back into the topic of your study session. You let it go, chalking it up to curiosity.

When Saturday arrives, you find yourself feeling both excited and nervous. The first date had gone so well, but there’s always that lingering worry that it had been a fluke. What if this time things are awkward? What if Tony decides to revert back to his usual over-the-top self and scares you off?

But when he shows up at your door, holding a bouquet of flowers and looking genuinely excited to see you, your nerves start to melt away.

“You ready for this?” he asks, offering you his arm.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” you reply, linking your arm with his.

The plan is simple: dinner at a new bistro Tony’s been wanting to try, followed by a movie at the small independent theater downtown. It’s not as extravagant as the first date, but that’s part of why you’re looking forward to it. It feels… normal.

Or at least, it should.

The first sign that something’s off comes during dinner.

Tony had called ahead to reserve a table, but when you arrive, the host tells you there’s no record of his reservation.

“Are you sure?” Tony asks, his brow furrowing as he pulls out his phone. “I spoke to someone two days ago. Stark, party of two.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” the host says, looking genuinely apologetic. “We don’t have anything under that name.”

Tony sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Great. Just great.”

You touch his arm gently, trying to calm him down. “It’s okay, Tony. We’ll just find somewhere else to eat.”

He looks at you, his frustration melting into a sheepish smile. “You’re way too patient with me, you know that?”

The two of you end up grabbing takeout from a nearby food truck and eating on a bench in the park. It’s not the romantic dinner Tony had planned, but you find yourself enjoying it anyway. He’s still Tony—still funny, still charming, still trying a little too hard to impress you—and you can’t help but smile at the effort he’s putting in.

The second sign comes at the theater.

Tony had bought tickets online, but when you get to the box office, they tell you the screening has been canceled due to a technical issue.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Tony mutters, rubbing his temples.

“It’s not your fault,” you say, trying to reassure him. “We can just do something else.”

“Like what?” he asks, throwing his hands up. “This was supposed to be the perfect date, and now it’s a disaster.”

You laugh, nudging him playfully. “Relax, Stark. You’re overthinking it. I’m having a good time, I promise.”

“Yeah?” he asks, his expression softening.

“Yeah,” you say, smiling. “As long as I’m with you, it doesn’t matter what we’re doing.”

By the time Tony walks you back to your dorm, the two of you are laughing uncontrollably over a story he told about one of his childhood escapades.

“And then,” he says, barely able to get the words out through his laughter, “I realized I’d glued my own hand to the table. My dad was furious.”

You clutch your stomach, tears streaming down your face. “How do you even do that?!”

“Pure talent,” he replies, his grin widening.

When you finally reach your door, you turn to face him, still smiling. “Thank you for tonight, Tony. I had a great time.”

“Even though everything went wrong?” he asks, his voice tinged with doubt.

“Especially because everything went wrong,” you say. “It made it more memorable.”

Tony chuckles, shaking his head. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before,” you tease.

He hesitates for a moment, his expression softening. “Can I kiss you again?”

You don’t answer right away. Instead, you step closer, closing the gap between you as you lean in.

The kiss is slow, tender, and completely unhurried. It’s a moment just for the two of you, free from all the chaos of the evening.

When you finally pull back, Tony’s looking at you like you’ve just handed him the world.

“So,” he says, his voice a little breathless. “Third date?”

You smile, your heart full. “Third date.”

The weeks pass in a blur of stolen moments and shared laughter. Tony isn’t perfect—he’s still Tony Stark, after all, with all his quirks and overconfidence—but he’s trying. And for once, he seems to genuinely enjoy being around you, not just competing with you.

The dates have become a regular occurrence. Sometimes it’s dinner at a little diner downtown, other times it’s late-night walks on campus when the world feels quiet and it’s just the two of you. Every once in a while, he’ll surprise you with something elaborate—a picnic in the park, complete with candles and a playlist he made himself (though he won’t admit how long it took to get the songs just right).

You find yourself looking forward to the time you spend together, the easy rhythm you’ve fallen into. Even in class, his teasing has softened. Sure, he still pushes your buttons—he wouldn’t be Tony if he didn’t—but there’s something affectionate about it now, a warmth that wasn’t there before.

Andrew is still a constant presence in your life, though he’s quieter than he used to be. He doesn’t bring up Tony as often, and when he does, it’s usually in passing. You figure he’s made his peace with the situation, and you’re grateful for that.

But then one day, everything shifts.

You and Andrew are in the library, pouring over your notes for an upcoming exam. It’s one of those afternoons where the hours blur together, and you’ve almost forgotten the world outside your textbooks when Andrew clears his throat.

“Hey,” he says, glancing up from his laptop. “Can I show you something?”

You blink, looking up from your notebook. “Sure. What is it?”

He hesitates for a moment before turning his screen toward you. It’s a video, the shaky, low-quality kind that looks like it was taken on someone’s phone. Your stomach twists when you see what’s on it.

Tony, standing in what looks like a club, his arm around some girl you don’t recognize. She’s leaning into him, and then—there it is. He kisses her.

The air seems to leave your lungs.

“Andrew,” you say slowly, your voice barely above a whisper. “What is this?”

“I wasn’t sure if I should show you,” he says, his tone carefully measured. “But I thought you’d want to know. I heard some people talking about it earlier. Apparently, it’s recent.”

Recent. The word echoes in your mind, a lead weight settling in your chest.

You push the laptop away, your hands trembling as you try to focus on your breathing.

“Y/N,” Andrew says gently. “I’m sorry. I know you’ve been seeing him, and I didn’t want to believe it either, but—”

“Thank you for telling me,” you cut him off, your voice sharper than you intend. You stand abruptly, gathering your things. “I… I need to go.”

When you see Tony later that evening, he knows something’s wrong. You’ve never been great at hiding your emotions, and tonight is no exception.

“Hey,” he says, his smile faltering as you approach. “You okay?”

“Don’t,” you snap, your anger bubbling to the surface before you can stop it. “Just don’t.”

Tony looks genuinely confused, his brows furrowing as he tries to figure out what’s going on. “What’s going on? Did I do something?”

You glare at him, your heart pounding in your chest. “You know what you did.”

He stares at you for a moment, the confusion on his face slowly giving way to frustration. “Okay, clearly I missed something here. Can you just tell me what’s going on?”

You hesitate, the video flashing through your mind again. Part of you doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of an explanation, but another part of you knows you won’t get closure unless you do.

“There’s a video,” you say finally, your voice shaking with barely-contained anger. “Of you. Kissing some girl. Apparently, it’s recent.”

Tony blinks, and for a moment, he just looks at you like you’ve grown a second head. And then, to your surprise, he laughs.

You stiffen, your anger flaring even hotter. “You think this is funny?”

“No,” he says quickly, holding up his hands in surrender. “No, I don’t. I think it’s ridiculous because that video isn’t recent. I know the one you’re talking about, Y/N. It’s old. Like, months old. Before you and I even started… whatever this is.”

You stare at him, your mind racing. “How do I know you’re telling the truth?”

He steps closer, his expression serious now. “Because I’m telling you. I don’t know who showed you that video or why they said it was recent, but it’s not. I haven’t so much as looked at anyone else since we started seeing each other. You have to believe me.”

You want to believe him. You want to believe that this whole thing is just some kind of misunderstanding. But the anger and hurt are still there, clouding your judgment.

“I don’t know, Tony,” you say finally, your voice quiet. “I need to think.”

“Okay,” he says, his tone softer now. “But before you do, can we at least figure out where this came from? Because whoever showed you that video clearly wanted to cause trouble.”

The next day, the two of you confront Andrew together.

He looks surprised when you show up at his dorm, Tony standing just behind you with a look that could kill.

“Y/N,” Andrew says, glancing nervously between the two of you. “What’s going on?”

“I think you know,” you say, crossing your arms.

Tony steps forward, holding up his phone with the video pulled up. “This. Care to explain?”

Andrew’s face pales, and for a moment, he doesn’t say anything. Then he sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Look, I didn’t mean for it to blow up like this.”

“Blow up?” Tony repeats, his voice dangerously low.

“I just…” Andrew hesitates, his gaze shifting to you. “I thought if Y/N saw it, maybe she’d realize you’re not as great as she thinks you are. I didn’t know she’d confront you about it.”

You feel like the ground has been pulled out from under you. “Andrew,” you say, your voice trembling. “Why would you do that?”

He looks down, unable to meet your eyes. “Because I like you, okay? I’ve liked you for months, and it’s been torture watching you fall for him. I thought maybe if you saw who he really is, you’d change your mind.”

Tony steps forward, his jaw tight. “Who I really am? You mean someone who actually cares about her? Someone who doesn’t manipulate her into doubting the people she trusts?”

Andrew flinches but doesn’t argue.

You take a deep breath, trying to process everything. “Andrew, I trusted you. You’re supposed to be my friend.”

“I am your friend,” he says quickly. “I just… I didn’t want to lose you.”

“Well, congratulations,” Tony says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “You just did.”

You shoot him a warning look, then turn back to Andrew. “I don’t even know what to say to you right now. I need time to think.”

Andrew nods, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “I’m sorry, Y/N. For everything.”

As you and Tony walk away, the tension between you begins to ease.

“You believe me now?” Tony asks, glancing at you out of the corner of his eye.

You nod, feeling a pang of guilt for ever doubting him. “Yeah. I’m sorry for not trusting you.”

He stops walking, turning to face you. “Hey. Don’t apologize. I get it. If I were in your shoes, I probably would’ve reacted the same way.”

You smile faintly, grateful for his understanding. “Thanks, Tony.”

“Anytime,” he says, slipping his arm around your shoulders. “Now, let’s put this whole mess behind us and focus on what really matters.”

“And what’s that?” you ask, raising an eyebrow.

He grins, leaning in to kiss you softly. “Us.”

The days that follow are blissful chaos. With Andrew out of the picture—though you haven’t entirely figured out what to do with that situation yet—you and Tony are free to explore whatever this thing is between you. And oh, does Tony explore.

He plans date after date, each one more absurd or romantic than the last. One week, he surprises you with tickets to a comedy show in the city, where you laugh so hard your sides ache for days. Another week, he insists on taking you stargazing, dragging you out to a secluded field with a telescope and a blanket because, in his words, “Even the stars need an audience to shine for.”

Then there are the funny ones. Like the time he shows up at your dorm with two aprons, a grocery bag filled with ingredients, and an ambitious plan to recreate a Michelin-starred recipe he found online. The result is a hilariously chaotic mess that leaves the kitchen looking like a war zone and you both laughing so hard you’re crying.

“I think we’ve created a new species,” you say, poking at the burnt, unidentifiable mass on the plate in front of you.

Tony grins, unabashed. “I prefer to call it Stark’s Signature Disaster.”

“More like Stark’s Catastrophe,” you tease, and he swipes at you with a dollop of whipped cream, making you yelp and chase him around the kitchen with a handful of flour.

But for every chaotic moment, there are quieter ones too. Nights when he walks you back to your dorm, his arm slung casually over your shoulder as you talk about everything and nothing. Afternoons spent studying together in the library, where he somehow manages to make even the driest subjects feel exciting. Mornings where he shows up with coffee just because he knows you’ve been up late the night before.

You’re not sure when it happens, but somewhere along the way, you realize you’re falling for him. Hard.

One evening, Tony shows up at your dorm unannounced, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Get dressed,” he says, leaning against the doorframe with that infuriatingly charming smirk.

You raise an eyebrow, glancing down at your sweatpants and oversized hoodie. “I am dressed.”

He rolls his eyes, stepping inside without waiting for an invitation. “Dressed for public consumption, Y/N. We’re going out.”

“And where exactly are we going?” you ask, crossing your arms as you eye him suspiciously.

“That,” he says, grabbing your coat from the hook and tossing it to you, “is classified information. Now, come on. Chop, chop.”

You sigh but can’t help smiling as you grab your shoes. “This better be good, Stark.”

“Oh, it will be,” he says, his grin widening.

To your surprise, he takes you to a drive-in movie theater—a retro, charming spot you didn’t even know existed. He’s already set up a cozy little area in the back of his car, complete with blankets, pillows, and enough snacks to feed a small army.

“I didn’t know you had such a romantic side,” you tease as you settle into the makeshift nest.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” he says, his voice soft as he leans closer.

The movie is a cheesy old rom-com, but neither of you pay much attention. You’re too busy stealing glances at each other, sharing popcorn, and laughing at Tony’s sarcastic commentary. By the end of the night, your cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

The dates continue, each one a new adventure. Some are extravagant, like the time he takes you to a rooftop restaurant with a view of the entire city. Others are simple, like when you spend an afternoon at the park, tossing breadcrumbs to the ducks and teasing Tony about his terrible aim.

But no matter what you’re doing, being with him feels… right.

One night, after a particularly romantic date at a candlelit restaurant, he walks you back to your dorm as usual. The air is crisp, the stars bright against the inky sky, and you feel a warmth spreading through your chest that has nothing to do with the weather.

As you reach your door, he hesitates, his usual confidence replaced by something softer, more vulnerable.

“Y/N,” he says, his voice unusually serious.

You tilt your head, studying him. “What’s up?”

He takes a deep breath, running a hand through his hair as he looks at you. “I’ve been thinking. About us.”

Your heart skips a beat. “Okay…”

“I know I’m not the easiest guy to be around,” he says, his gaze dropping to the ground. “I’m cocky, I’m stubborn, and I have a habit of saying the wrong thing at the worst possible time.”

You smile faintly. “I’m aware.”

“But,” he continues, looking up at you again, “I’m also crazy about you. And I don’t just want to be the guy you go on dates with or study with or kiss sometimes when the mood strikes. I want to be more than that. I want to be your boyfriend. If you’ll have me.”

The words hang in the air between you, and for a moment, you’re too stunned to speak.

Tony Stark, the guy who once made your life a living hell, is standing in front of you, baring his heart in a way you never thought possible.

“I…” You trail off, searching for the right words.

His shoulders tense, as if he’s bracing himself for rejection, and that’s what does it. The vulnerability in his eyes, the way he’s putting himself out there despite all his bravado—it melts away any lingering doubts you might have had.

“Yes,” you say finally, a smile breaking across your face. “I’d love to be your girlfriend.”

The relief that washes over him is almost comical. He lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and grins, his usual cockiness returning in full force.

“Good,” he says, stepping closer. “Because I’ve got big plans for us, Y/N. Big plans.”

“Oh, I’m sure you do,” you tease, but your words are cut off as he leans in and kisses you, soft and sweet and perfect.

In that moment, you know you made the right choice.

[winnterreise]

hello! please, if its no trouble (i 100% understand if im asking too much, i know itd be a bit of work >_<) would you ever be willing to write an analysis of reiji? at least a summary? i adore DL and have for years, but ive never been able to quite understand his character and why he does what he does! (i am a tripletologist lmao i focus on them) i adore your blog and the way you discuss reiji! id love to hear from someone like you what reiji is all about and what makes him tick :) only if its okay though! youre extremely cool!

-resident guy who loves character analysis

Hi! Of course! Take my words with a grain of salt though because it’s always easier to understand a character when you’ve had similar experiences.. I’m a very lazy and unenthusiastic person so I hope you’ll understand🧍I adore characters like Reiji because of how drastically different they are from me. Unfortunately I cannot afford to write a full analysis as of now because I haven’t gone through all the games yet! The amount of reading and note taking I’d have to do (outside of the two games I already played) would probably be like writing an academic paper… I’d love to dig deeper but unless I’m super free and motivated please don’t set your expectations to high for me! That being said I’ll try to summarize my thoughts here.

I feel that he grew up to be the way he is because fate was simply just that unfair to him. It’s no surprise that one will develop some sort of coping mechanism if they failed to receive proper care and support when they were younger. In Reiji’s case, I feel like he’s had a competitive personality since the very beginning, and that he isn’t that type to simply sulk because life isn’t treating him well, but he’d strive to become the best he can so that Beatrix might at least cast a glance at him. Because of that, he’s set out the same sort of expectation for everyone else around him.

And then there’s Shu who received so much attention but is also put under tremendous pressure. I won’t go into detail about him, but he has his reasons for wanting to escape from what is thrown at him, too. I don’t blame either of them for turning out the way they did, but Reiji did have to live his life in resentment for Shu, an uncomfortable reminder of how little his mother seemed to care for him. A lot of this is just surface level, though. When it comes to family, especially vampires whose true ages remain a mystery, there is no singular emotion that can sum up the nature of their bonds. My guess is that Reiji doesn’t exactly ‘hate’ Shu so much that he wishes genuine death upon him, or else he’d probably attempted a long time ago. Shu might be a bit of a lost cause to him, wasted potential, one who threw away and did not cherish anything that was given to him.

Now imagine harbouring all of these negative emotions for your entire life while unconsciously having an inferiority complex, becoming obsessed with your own worth and abilities just to prove a point that you are someone that matters. This is probably also the reason why he appears so strict with Yui. There’s definitely some sense of projection. He’s ridiculously disciplined and expects the same level of dedication from everyone else, expecting them to prove their worth as he tried or still tries to do. I feel that he didn’t allow himself to display any weakness, and so despised it when he sees signs of that in others. His way of caring for others I expect would also be twisted in a some way. He genuinely believed that discipline, control, and constant self-improvement is important to survival. It’s all he’s ever known, probably.

Lastly, someone did a wonderful character study a while ago. It’s much more elaborate than what I have here. I really like their take on him.

https://narihira.tumblr.com/post/63820496449/a-sakamaki-reiji-manifesto-character-study

[automaticheartcrusade]

Tom Houston, they could never make me hate you Tom Houston. I’m his #1 defender and fan, cause for some reason people genuinely don’t like him and I’ve even seen some people call him bad and I just….how?

What I like about Tom is that when you meet him in Black Friday, at first glance he’s an asshole. He seems very closed off and inconsiderate of other’s people’s feelings. You feel for Emma cause she’s just trying to mend things with her brother in law and you feel for Tim cause he feels left out. But the minute “What Tim Wants”- plays, you immediately see Tom as a whole. He loves his son to death. He loves his wife. He hates himself. He thinks he ruined his families life and that’s why he pushes Emma, the only other family he has left, away. Nick Lang said on Twitter that he also thinks he doesn’t deserve happiness due to this. He’s grappled with so much grief and self loathing, which is probably why Jane’s spirit in Nightmare Time is so gaslighty because he believes he deserves to be treated this way. Not only that but Tom is good with kids. He cares about Tim, he cares about Lex and Hannah. Tom might be a little full of it at times but he’s genuinely a good guy. Also he’s freaking hilarious, Dylan Saunders performance and line reads never fail to crack me up. But with how people speak of Tom, you’d think they never fully watched Black Friday or listened to his songs. He’s such a complex and emotionally distraught character, no one even talks about the fact that he has PTSD from the war AND the crash.

I also saw Hathetfeild fans on my twitter timeline not like Tom Houston anymore because of the car incident. Unpopular opinion but I feel like people take that scene wayyy too seriously. It’s supposed to be so absurd and over the top, a moment to laugh at. On a character perspective, Tom still clearly loves Becky, but we know that he’s constantly tackled with the guilt of what happened to Jane that he’s willing to do anything for her, deep down he still loves her, even if she’s gaslighting him constantly. So yeah Tom Houston get behind me cause they don’t understand you like I do.🤺🤺🤺

[maxdibert]

Hey, hi! I saw you mentioned something about Severus being a father, and I think you explained it really well, but little is said about how Severus would care for his son or daughter. Regardless of gender, children are noisy, playful, and no matter how well-behaved or calm a child is, it’s inevitable they’ll get into some mischief, like breaking something or making a mess while playing. Then there are tantrums or peculiar moments in parenting, like that phase where kids ask questions all the time.

These aspects of parenthood are the ones I rarely see discussed regarding how Severus would handle them. He’s a complex man, and at first glance, he doesn’t seem like someone you’d associate with parenting and child-rearing. Like you said, I highly doubt he’d want to be a father in the first place. But having a child under his care means he’d inevitably face situations where he has to be a father. He’s raising a child, fully responsible for taking care of and shaping a little person who will one day grow into an adult and have to function in society. How he chooses to care for and discipline the child will define the kind of person they become in the future.

It’s his child, and in his hands is a little one he’ll have to care for every day for years.

Severus’s parenthood is such an extensive and complex topic, and I find it incredibly fascinating.

It’s quite interesting, especially because canonically Severus clearly doesn’t like children, lacks patience, and has no delicacy or skill in dealing with them. I also think this side of him is heavily influenced by his role as a teacher (which he clearly doesn’t enjoy) and probably all the stress he carries, which affects his attitude in the classroom. But yeah, he’s definitely not someone you’d call “fond of kids.”

When it comes to this topic, I’ve always thought something similar to what I said in that post: it depends on many factors. The main factor, in my opinion, is his partner. The type of partner, their character, and the dynamic established between them seem crucial in how he would approach parenthood. After all, raising children is a shared responsibility, and it’s between both parents that rules, limits, parenting methods, and boundaries are set. And i say it’s a shared responsibility because I can’t imagine Severus adopting children on his own or becoming a single dad just like that—lol. I assume that if he ever became a father, it would be because his partner wanted it, not because he was particularly thrilled by the idea at first. So, as I said, I think his approach to parenthood would be heavily influenced by the type of partner he had and, of course, by the children’s personalities.

Let’s not be cynical here: there are parents who don’t really like their kids. They obviously love them because they’re their children, but they just don’t like them as people. This is a huge societal taboo, but it’s a documented reality, backed by testimonies and studies. Just because someone is your child and you love them doesn’t mean their personality will be compatible with yours. This can and does happen.

So, for someone like Severus, being the father of someone like, I don’t know, the Weasley twins, would be incredibly challenging. He simply wouldn’t like his kid. Even if he tried to hide it, the real issue would be the sense of having nothing in common with them—not sharing a similar character, not having topics to talk about, and feeling frustrated by the inability to connect with his child.

Because of his past and his obvious emotional issues, I think he could be a fairly functional parent if his kids had personalities he could relate to or at least didn’t find off-putting. But if that weren’t the case, it would be really difficult for him, especially as they reached adolescence. We’re talking about someone with a lot of unresolved trauma, someone whose paternal role models were awful, and someone with a disorganized attachment style. Add to that his temper and tendency to explode when he loses control.

It’s true that many people change when they have kids—their mindset shifts into “parent mode,” and they do a complete 180-degree turn. But some people don’t. We can’t know how it would be in his case, but I do think he’d be terrified during the early years. So scared that he’d get angry and throw tantrums out of sheer fear and helplessness.

I’m sure that at some point, when his kids were little and being a pain (I have three nephews, and I adore them, but when they’re acting up, they can be SUCH a headache), he’d end up exploding. He’d probably regret it deeply afterward, think he’s a horrible person and a terrible father, and be triggered by the idea of becoming like his own father. All that typical generational trauma stuff. And that’s where his partner would need to step in and work together to find tools and parenting methods. Because, at the end of the day, as I said before: raising children is a job for two.

[nanaminokanojo]

BAD NEWS (part 32)

-just when you thought you were over your humongous crush on your older brother’s best friend, geto suguru, you couldn’t have been more dead wrong, except satoru doesn’t like suguru for you because he knows his kind all too well: a huge ass playboy who breaks hearts like he changes socks. but you think, MAYBE you’ll be the exception…maybe not.

CHARACTERS: drummer!geto suguru x you/afab reader | gojo satoru | various jjk characters

GENRE: full-length smau + prose | band au | college au | stupid pining | aged-up characters | friends to lovers (?) | smut

TW/CW: strong/mature language | adult content so mdni on some parts | mentions of alcohol, drugs | mentions of cheating, promiscuity, mild dubcon, etc. | god-awful pet names | toxic behavior | will add more if something arises

MASTERLIST | CHAPTER INDEX

<<prev part 32 next>>

A/N: Contains prose and panels in between.

"This is me."

Suguru couldn't possibly think of a more frightening combination of words at the moment, watching as Ieiri took her seatbelt off, further saying her thanks to him for driving her home or something like that before turning to you.

He did ask for her help to get you alone with him, he knew that, but judging how you grudgingly entered the backseat of his car earlier, banging the door close – much to his annoyance – he knew better than to push it with you. It wasn't the first time you two would have a spat, and like your brother, you knew how to hold a goddamn grudge.

"Hey, Y/N, I'm going."

He watched as you typed away on your phone and merely waved at Ieiri without even looking up, scooting further behind his seat as if that's going to make you any less present inside his car. "Take care. Love you."

Suguru noticed how the older female slightly frowned before glancing at him as she disembarked from the car. She stood up but then bent down again at a last ditch attempt to help him.. "You can transfer to the front now."

"No, thanks." Your answer was a flat out refusal, and Suguru just shrugged, frustrated. If it was because of you or more because of himself, he couldn't tell. Having given up, Ieiri closed the door to the passenger side.

"Text me when you get in," he called after her which she returned with a wave as she walked towards her apartment complex. Once she was out of view, he twisted on his seat to look at you. "You sure you're okay there?"

"Positive."

"You can stretch your leg better here –"

You momentarily met his eyes, yours cold as you regarded him. "I'm tired. I wanna go home."

Turning away, he stepped on the gas. "Fine."

He didn't know what set you off, at least, not exactly. While he did realize his choice of a joke was crass abd stupid, and that you might have been offended by it, he didn't really expect you to react as profoundly as you did. He has said worse things to you before in the same manner and you'd usually just call him names, scrunch your nose in disgust and laugh it off.

That's how it had been before you left. It's the same reason why he was more open with his words with you. You were rather easygoing, past tense. Now, everything he did and said seemed to put you in a foul mood, and he didn't really understand the glaring distance you were putting between him and yourself which brings him back to the unknown reason behind your anger.

Actually, not fine.

Suguru may have said something stupid, but he didn't think he deserved your consequent reaction without knowing the real reason why. It couldn't possibly be just because you found his joke distasteful. You weren't like that at all as far as he knows. Then again, does he even have the right to claim that he still knows you?

Not wanting to prolong the agony any further, he swerved towards the side of the parkway, doing so without as much as a warning before making a full stop. He killed the engine and just sat there, tapping his fingers onto the steering wheel in an attempt to calm down.

"What are you doing?" you asked in a low tone from behind.

Perhaps things changed. More than he cared to admit. More than either of you were letting on. And it made his heart sink. Perhaps you have really forgotten everything – that night. Maybe it meant nothing to you. Or maybe you choose not to remember. He didn't know what was worse. But it meant a great deal to him, and you, even more, and yet, every single time he tries to get closer, it feels like you were sand slipping through his fingers. And it's all his fault.

If only –

He opened the door and got out, catching your eyes as you watched him round the car towards the back and over to the door opposite you. And then, he entered the backseat.

"Suguru, what –" Your protest died in your thoat when he said, "You wanna sit here? Let's both sit here."

You shot him a petulant look, your lower lip jutting out. It was silent for a bit, but you chose to break it. "Fine, I'll go sit in front." You turned away from him, opening the door beside you, but before you could even move, he reached for the handle, shutting it close and trapping you on the seat.

He felt you freeze up against him, your breath stilling before coming out again in a shaky exhale that fanned against the side of his neck. You were practically in his embrace if it weren't for the measly space that separated your heat from his.

And then he sighed, going limp as if in exhaustion, his forehead falling onto your shoulder. He breathed in deeply, in then slowly out, letting your smell and the faint sound of your heart thudding in your chest fill his senses. He raised his other hand, placing it at the side of your neck, his thumb gently soothing over your cheek just by your ear.

"I missed you," he whispered, and then said it again, louder. "I missed you."

He felt your hand rising towards his left shoulder, lightly pushing him back and he did as you wanted, sitting upright and distancing himself from you. However, before he could move any further, you adjusted your position and leaned against him, slumping on the leather seat with your head on his shoulder.

Suguru glanced at you, fidgeting with the hem of his black shirt. "Y/N, I'm sorry. I was being an asshole."

You glanced up at him. "You were."

"But I hate it that we're like this."

"I know. I hate it, too." You looked down, your hand slowly inching towards his before hooking your pinky finger with his. "But you really piss me off sometimes."

He chuckled quietly, moving to wrap an arm around your shoulder, his fingers landing on your other side, drumming on the side of your thigh. "I'm really sorry if I was being insensitive."

"And crass..."

"And crass," he repeated.

"And a pervert –"

"You're pushing it, kitten." He poked your cheek with his index finger, but you caught the tip between your teeth without any significant force, but he still said, "Ow," to humor you. Or more to conceal the fact that the image of his finger anywhere near your mouth was making him feel things. Inappropriate ones.

You let go. "Am I though?"

He rolled his eyes, feigning annoyance. "Fine." But then, he turned serious. "Y/N, may I ask you something?"

"You're already asking."

Suguru clucked his tongue, but went ahead anyway. "I know what I said is idiotic, but you usually just laugh my words off. I mean..." He sighed. "Look, I need to understand why you were so mad at me. Somehow, it feels different. Like there's something you're not telling me."

"Because something is different, Suguru," you answered without missing a beat. "I think you and I both know that." You sat straight, meeting his ochre gaze. "I am aware of what you and my brother do. He tells me everything, and you're always just part of the narrative. Satoru took great care for me to just be aware of it in his own words and just that."

"You hate it."

"Beyond what I can tell you, but it's your life and it's none of my business what you do. I already told you this. It's not that I don't care, don't get me wrong, but to be honest with you, it feels different just hearing about it compared to actually seeing it for myself."

At that, he arched a brow at you. "In what way?" he asked, quick to add, "If you don't mind me asking."

You elbowed him on the rib, making him flinch in pain. "Kitten," he whined, grimacing.

"In a traumatic way, of course! Do you think I like watching someone else choking on your dick? Asswipe!" You shivered. "Imagine what that's gonna do to me if it were Toru! I'd probably fucking gouge my eyes out. Jesus!"

Someone else, he thought, your words repeating in his head. Else. That one word made all the difference in what you were explicitly saying to what you weren't. And perhaps he was crazy, but he couldn't feel but hyper-analyze everything you were saying to him.

"So, no, Suguru. I'm not one to watch."

"Huh."

"What?"

"Okay, I get it, kitten." His brows knit together as he looked at you, considering his next words very carefully, but ending up with another apology. "I'm sorry."

"You're forgiven."

He pouted at you then. "Next time I mess up, beat me up or something, just..." He looked you straight in the eyes with such intensity that made your mouth go dry. "Please don't ignore me like that. I'll take anything else but that."

"Nobara suggested I cut your hair."

"Go ham with it."

"Dumbass. As if I can take that. I love your hair."

He smirked at you "Just my hair?"

"Shut up. I wanna go home." You rolled your eyes, playfully shoving him as you awkwardly climbed your way into the front seat, making him shake his head as you moved forward.

You really shouldn't have done that.

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© ORIGINAL WORK BY nanaminokanojo. CHARACTERS ARE INSPIRED BY GEGE AKUTAMI’S “JUJUTSU KAISEN”. [20240522]

PHOTOS/IMAGES/GIF/FANART/ANY MEDIA CREDITS GO TO THE RESPECTIVE OWNERS.

[sonder-paradise]

𝐋𝐚𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐫𝐲 𝐃𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐭 & 𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐕𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐫 — 𝐌𝐢𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐲𝐚 𝐓𝐚𝐤𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢

◊ characters. mitsuya takashi, gn!reader

◊ wc. 1k

➺ 𝘪𝘮·𝘱𝘶𝘭·𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘥𝘫. 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘳 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵

𝘔𝘪𝘵𝘴𝘶𝘺𝘢 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘶𝘭𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦. 𝘏𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵.

Mitsuya doesn’t consider himself impulsive. 

He’s calm, collected, passive even. He thinks through his movements, his actions, everything. He plans and double checks. It's out of habit mostly. Years of being an older brother, a mentor, a designer, have crafted him into a precise and composed person. 

And then you came along. 

“Hey, I’m your new neighbor,” you said with a grin, hand outstretched as you offered him a simple handshake. Mitsuya flashes you that signature smile of his and takes your hand in his. You’re warm. His hands are chilly in comparison. Having been lost in his current project, his hands had grown cold from the open window. 

“Mitsuya Takashi. It’s nice to meet you.” 

And then you smiled and he felt his stomach warp and flip. He wished you wouldn’t let go of his hand just so he could feel your warmth a little longer. 

“You as well. It was a pleasure meeting you, Mitsuya.”

His eyes follow you down the hall. He counts the doors carefully till you reach the first, second, then third—no—fourth door. Mitsuya shuts the door behind him, hand reaching up to settle above his eyes before dragging down to cover his mouth. An exhale leaves him before he heads back to his work area to continue his project. 

He leans back against his chair, rocking against it before glancing out the window. It’s been a while since he moved out of the apartment with his sisters and mother. In moments like these, when it’s quiet and the word seems so distant, he wonders if it’s a good thing. He stares at the light fabric in his hands. Fingers running through it before he looks back at his initial design sketched out on the notepad next to him. 

It didn’t look right. 

It didn’t feel right.  

This sketch had been too rushed, too… 

The word alluded him as he reached over to turn the notepad over. As he did so, the mug of coffee next to it tumbled over and onto the light-colored fabric he had been working on. A string of curses fell from his lips. He immediately went to his feet, wiping down the coffee and eventually assessing the large and visible stain on his newest project. 

It seemed unsalvageable now. He handled the fabric slowly, scanning for any other stains or abnormalities. Eventually, he let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair and grabbing his keys. Maybe a good wash would fix it up. 

The laundry room under his apartment complex was always poorly lit and filled with a puddle or two. He was used to this sort of environment. He used to take Luna and Mana to a laundromat just like this when he was still in high school. There was one other person in the room. Mitsuya blinked a couple times before spotting you leaning against the washer, scrolling on your phone. 

“We meet again,” he said, hand in his pocket while his free one cradled his project. 

You looked up, pulling out one of your ear pieces to look at him. Then a grin sprouted on your face. “Mitsuya, right? What brings you down here to the lint-filled dungeons?” 

He raises the white fabric with the obvious coffee stain on it. 

“I had a little spill.” 

You stood a little straighter, moving closer to look at the bundle of fabric in his arms. He offered it to you and you held it so delicately he could have sworn you already knew of its importance to him. 

“Is this your girlfriend’s or something?” 

As you unraveled the coffee-stained project, it unfolded to reveal the rough beginning of a dress. He placed a curious look on his face before realizing. 

“Oh, no!” he said, a light snort escaping him as he looked down for a moment, “It’s just a design I was working on this morning.”

Your eyes widened a moment as you handed it back to him. “Wow, you’re a designer? That’s impressive.”

“Not as impressive as you’d think, honestly,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m still trying to get my name out there. This… was supposed to be for a show I managed to get in. But I’m thinking of just trashing it.”

He stared at the dress, a frown creasing on his features as he traced his fingers over the coffee-stain. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump all that on you,” he said quickly, flashing you an awkward smile. 

You shake your head. “Nah, you’re fine. I’m always happy to listen to someone who needs an ear.” Mitsuya watches as you motion towards the project in his arms. “I’m no fashion connoisseur, but… I think you should give it another shot. This one already looks really well-done.”

Mitsuya feels his stomach flip-flop again when you flash him another smile. 

“Besides,” you continued, “it looks like you put a lot of work into it already.”

The lavender-haired man laughed, shaking his head. “Quite the opposite actually. I drew up the sketch for this one too… impulsively.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” you shrugged, a smile still strung upon your lips, “Maybe get to know the design a little more.” 

Mitsuya stared down at the design. He thought about the notepad upstairs and the rough outlines he’d so hurriedly gone over while commuting to work. He chuckled, tilting his head slightly as locked eyes with you. 

“Maybe you’re right… Though, it doesn’t change the fact there’s coffee all over it right now.” 

You rolled your eyes, patting his arm heartily as your dryer pinged to alert them of its completion. “I got the perfect cleaning solution for you. Let me grab my laundry and I’ll show you the miracles of detergent and white vinegar.” 

𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫: 𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐢𝐭𝐲

[crazylittlejester]

I’ve seen some of the headcannons people are dumping on you and well- I PHYSICALLY CANNOT HOLD THIS ONE IN ANYMORE

sky has great emotional control

okay I know it’s not new but I think that it really is the root of the “oh, Sky doesn’t tend to get mad, pretty chill dude, seems kinda sleepy and dorky at first glance” sure he is, at first glance. But underneath that is a kid who matured. He doesn’t break his composure easily because he can’t. Man has power. I haven’t played his game (tho aside from the of the wild verse it’s the one I’m most familiar with), but I know that much. He cannot get mad at someone who is not his equal.

it’s like that part in “Castle in the Air” by Dianna Wynn Jones where Abdula is like “ohhhh Howl and Calcifer are snarking and mad at each other because they’re too powerful to be properly mad at regular people!”

So not only is Sky a good judge of character (I.e. his assessment of Legend in an old LU doodle), he can’t let things bother him.

SO

If he should be brought to the point where he snaps. And maybe not even snap by normal people standards, like he is properly mad and his sense of judgement is only a teensy bit impaired- we could see some stuff go down.

Sky’s complexities are very important to me and I needed to share that 0.0

have a nice night!

Sky to me is someone who gets incredibly angry but is most of the time able to keep himself under control and not react externally. On the inside he is screaming and there are fires, but on the outside he is the picture of calm and chill, except for the occasional eye twitch. Kindness is important to him so he tries his absolute best not to snap in anger, but yknow, if someone hurts his friends he is going to lose his shit

Unikitty from the lego movie….

[tastefulsimp]

A Quiet Evening

I’ve never written anything like this before, but I needed some writing practice, and I cannot get Hazbin Hotel out of my head. I wanted to explore his complexity and write something that aligned with his character, our oh-so-scary-and-charming peepaw.

I’ve heard that some ace folks have an interest in reading romance and spice as a way to access certain emotions. I relish the idea of Alastor enjoying a romance novel from time to time. (and yes, the quotes from the book are really in the book) female reader | not spicy | tension

— Prologue

In life, Alastor always loved a good book. John Steinbeck, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and H.P. Lovecraft were among his favorites. But, the radio demon had a soft spot for a the author Elinor Glyn. While he was out running some errands this morning, he spotted a copy of "It" and Other Stories in the window of a book shop.

It had been so long since he enjoyed a good book. Most of the hotel crew would be out with the provocative one and his explosive friend tonight anyway. A quiet evening accompanied by a good book did sound quite lovely.

Once he finished his hotelier duties, he asked poured himself a glass of Sazerac, tuned the lobby radio to some jazz and swing at a low volume, and settled into the sofa.

He forgot how much he enjoyed a good read. In fact, the film adaptation of “It” was one of the only films he had seen while he was alive. Mimzy dragged him along to a showing one evening. In truth, he never cared much for the medium, but the story was entertaining at least. And, anything is enjoyable in good company.

“I should lend this to Rosie” he thought as he crept through pages of the novel, “she would enjoy this character’s— what does she call it? Ah, yes.. moxie.”

— Part 1

Emerging from your bedroom, you’re confused to find silence in the hotel. Your lively group of sinners must have left for the club already. Feeling a bit relieved, that you’re no longer required to socialize, you make for your bedroom once again. The faintest sound of music hits your ears just before you cross the doorway.

When you became a guest after the last Extermination Day, no one knew what to expect. Charlie was elated to have two fresh faces join the crew. But, after your counterpart bailed in the first week, you were the only remaining new guest.

As you approach the end of the hallway, the sound of swing music is grows louder with each step. Quietly descending the stairs into the lobby, you’re surprised to see Alastor relaxing on the sofa, reading a book in the dimly lit room.

You couldn’t help but be curious about Alastor. You knew the stories of the Radio Demon, and you saw the broadcast of their fight with Heaven. He was scary, sinister, and powerful… yet he had been nothing but kind to you so far.

Quietly approaching the lobby sofa, Alastor doesn’t seem to notice your presence. You peek over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of what title has him so invested. Your eyes catch on the sentence: “John was aware of the sex magnetism in her. He instantly wanted to kiss those cherry lips…”

Your breath caught in your throat as you realized, Alastor was reading romance..? There’s no way. Peeking again, you scan the page, your eyes landing on the words “analyzed, dissected, and stripped her.”

Yep. That’s a romance novel.

Alastor cleared his throat and stretched his collar just a bit. You watched, bewildered as he turned his head toward you with a smirk. “You’re not a very good spy, you know” Alastor quipped.

“I’m sorry,” You replied sheepishly. “I didn’t realize anyone else was still here.”

“I thought the very same.” He said, eyes returning to his book. You crossed over to the arm chair across from him and took a seat.

“Not up for a night on the town, my dear?” he said casually, glancing at you over the top of his book. He had traded his monocle for a pair of reading glasses, he was wearing a tied red silk house coat over his white button up, and some loafers. He looked so relaxed, you thought.

“Not really my thing, honestly.” you say, your eyes never meeting his, “It’s loud, it smells, and I can get a better buzz here anyway.” He lowers the book slightly to reveal his signature smile.

“Hm. I often wonder how you ended up down here, Miss ___,” Alastor jokes. You laugh, “My ticket to hell may have been coated in blood, but those petty sins have never been my style,” you reply smirking at him.

“What are you reading?” you ask, crossing one leg over the other in your seat. His eyes trace over your outstretched leg, before meeting yours once again. “Elinor Glyn. A novel called, It” he replied in a dry tone.

“What’s it about?” you asked, thumbing through the redemption lesson plans that were strewn across the end table next to you. His eye twitches. He let out a big sigh, “I was rather enjoying my solitude.” He shifts in his seat a bit.

“Is that all you were enjoying, Alastor?” you teased.

“I suppose I was enjoying the music as well, my dear” he replied, meeting your eyes over the top of his book once again.

“Oh, yes it’s lovely. But, I figured you were enjoying her cherry lips, or maybe her… sex magnetism.” You smirked at him. Annoyance washed over Alastor’s face as his eyes shifted back to his book, and closing it sharply.

“Ah, so you were spying on me.” He places the book down on the couch and rises to his feet. He grabs his glass of Sazerac and slowly starting toward you, static rising in his voice. “Perhaps it’s time you learn your place, Miss ___”

Panic floods your body as the Radio Demon approaches you, static in the air growing stronger. His pupils turn into black dials and he emits a glowing green aura. He could kill you right now.

You uncross your legs, and shift nervously, backing up slightly into your chair as he steps closer, and closer. Despite your fear, a depraved thought crossed your mind. This was kind of hot. NO! It’s not the time for that.

His faces is inches away from yours now, you can feel his breathing, and he can certainly feel your hitched breaths, but you never break the gaze you both hold. Within a millisecond its over. His eyes return to their normal round saucers, and the static dissipates from the air. “Do you understand, my dear?” he asks in a low voice.

His eyes stay locked on yours as he speaks, making your body tense. Are you seriously turned on by this situation?? This close to him, you realize he’s wearing a woody, citrus scent, and it smells incredible. You feel your face begin to grow hot, as a blush reaches your cheeks.

“Yes, sir.” you respond feigning innocence, giving him your best doe eyes.

“Good girl.” he pats your head then turns around to grab his book. “That was a lovely chat, Miss ____.” he says turning slightly to smirk at you, “sleep well.”

Another depraved thought crossed your mind, and this time you headed straight for the bar.

[yuseirra]

Kamiki(+Ai) Mini-analysis

I feel the best part of this work comes from the psychological aspects, it's intriguing how real and complex it can get. It's honestly what's drew me in this time around, and I really hope they revert back to exploring things in relation to it after some dire events get resolved somehow.

Today I wrote a small anaysis of Kamiki's character since he tends to be a bit confusing at first glance: I can be wrong, of course, but I'm confident with my analysis regarding the emotional aspect of things. I felt it would be nice to bring up!

Honestly, I don’t think Kamiki is such a difficult character to understand regarding his mentality. His self-esteem is severely low, so he internalizes all the negative criticism and accusations thrown at him without resistance, accepting them as they are. In fact, he adds to it by blaming himself even more. Sometimes, he even goes out of his way to act in ways that invite misunderstandings. Since he’s already trapped in a state of self-loathing, the fact that he doesn’t bother to make excuses is just an extension of that.

He has an incredibly low opinion of himself. That's because he was constantly mistreated and never been properly loved all his life till Ai came along. At the same time, it’s not like he dislikes people… Ai, on the other hand, seemed to have some defensive feelings toward others, maybe even a little distaste for people (which, in a way, can act as a shield to protect oneself). But Kamiki? When someone comes to him, he’s just happy to have a shred of affection and, like a puppy, he eagerly follows along, giving everything he has. He’s been starved for love. Him trusting people so eagerly and easily—that’s where it comes from. His trust in Ryosuke and Nino is also rooted in this. Kamiki seems to genuinely like people. When he receives kindness, it makes him purely happy… he wants to believe in their good intent and think 'oh, they like it, so it's fine, right? It's a good thing if others are happy' But again and again, he’s taken advantage of and abandoned. And, at some point, he realized—even though it seemed like people cared about him, this wasn’t right. They just used him up and it wasn't real affection that he'd received. The real problem is with those who used him. If they had been decent people, this wouldn’t have happened… But when these things happen, instead of blaming others, he always turns the arrow on himself. His already low self-esteem sinks even lower, and he blames himself and hates himself even more. Ai, on the other hand, had enough of a backbone to protect herself by holding onto some anger toward others. So, even though she couldn’t quite love herself, she could still carry some pride and confidence, enough to live life on her own terms. But Kamiki? When something goes wrong, he blames himself. He tries to rationalize these sorts of situations by believing that it’s because he’s not good enough, or because he’s unworthy, that everyone leaves him. That’s also one of the reason why he lacks aggression—he always sees the fault within himself. Look at the flower bouquet incident. He probably wasn’t at fault at all, but because he bought the flowers, he lied at first and said it was his doing. The fact that it was a lie implies that the rest of what he said was likely the unfiltered truth. If he were truly guilty, the story would have ended in chapter 154, but it didn’t—there was more to it after that.

I’ve mentioned before that you have to dig deeper to understand the real intent behind his words. In chapter 153, he said he killed Ai.

In chapter 154, he changed his story, saying he only manipulated Ryosuke to scare her, but he never intended to kill her.

Then, in chapter 160, the tone softens again—he says he really just wanted to give her the bouquet. And this is the real truth.

What’s happening here is that he hates himself so much that he piles more blame on himself, amplifying his responsibility for what happened. He feels like the person he loved died because of him, and that’s why he can’t forgive himself… But the more he talks about Ai, the more sincere he becomes, gradually revealing his true feelings.

When it comes to attachment styles, Ai had some avoidant tendencies,

While Kamiki shows a lot of traits typical of anxious attachment.

Yet despite this, the two of them clearly got along well. I keep coming back to this, and there’s hardly any room to argue otherwise. The fact that Ai could think so highly of him is honestly so remarkable…

For someone with avoidant tendencies to say, 'I want to live with this person forever,' that means the other person was truly perfect and lovable in their eyes. That’s an incredibly strong bond. I wish people would recognize this... believe in that idea for once, They really did find a huge liking to each other, and that family Ai imagined WAS really possible. They would have built a nice and happy one. It wasn't a messed-up relationship they had. They are tragic because they could have been perfect.

Even though both of them had their own struggles, they were good people at heart, and they surely could have supported each other to live well together. The real problems came from the outside.

I wrote this up as I attempted to draw a piece earlier(going to complete it and post it today!) these are sort of the things that pass through my head when I draw things sometimes

I need to understand the psychology of these characters to at least some degree in order to portray them, I may not be perfect with these, but I really try!

[emotionallychargedtowel]

The psychological paradoxes of Utsukushii Kare, part 1: Covert grandiosity and finding status through idealization

I’ve had some thoughts about Utsukushii Kare bouncing around in my head since the end of season 2. I started to post about them back then but my first attempts stalled out. Maybe the ideas involved were too complex, or I just needed to let them marinate a bit longer. I tried to give up on getting them on “paper,” but they just wouldn’t leave me alone. Eventually I returned to them and everything clicked. This is part one of my attempt to get those ideas down. After a ridiculous amount of tinkering, it seems like the right time to let it see the light of day. Subsequent posts are in different stages of readiness as well.

I wouldn’t have finished this without copious encouragement and feedback from @lurkingshan and specific edits from @wen-kexing-apologist. A kind comment from @nieves-de-sugui was a shot in the arm. And I’m always indebted to @porridgefeast for support, encouragement, and cute animal content.

I’ve written a lot about this series in the past; refer to my Utsukare master post for a continuously updated list. This includes some related posts on pursuer/distancer dynamics and attachment style in the series that have some overlap with what I’m discussing here, but this post should also stand on its own quite well.

A few things to note at the outset:

My focus here is on the series (both seasons), but I will refer to the movie, the novel, and a couple of vignettes when they illustrate points that are consistent with and relevant to the series.

My approach in this series of posts involves viewing fictional characters the way I would if they were real people--a bit like if I were to do a case conceptualization of a potential client. This isn’t always the approach I use, or the best one, but I thought it was a good fit for what I wanted to discuss here.

Quotes will be cited, but general information on sources will be given at the end of the post.

Now, to get down to business.

* * * * * * *

I’ve seen a lot of commentary from other Utsukare fans about Hira and Kiyoi and how much their self-worth–and the lack thereof–impacts their relationship. It’s a clear theme and lots of folks have had salient insights about it. But one thing I haven’t seen in any of the posts I’ve read is a full acknowledgement of the duality at play there–the way that both characters sometimes believe, or at least fear, that they’re irredeemably awful and at the same time believe, or perhaps hope, that they are better than everyone else.

I’m sure someone reading this is thinking, “Kiyoi is like that, sure. But Hira? Thinking he’s superior? Come on.” I get that it isn’t always apparent. In a genre that loves to portray profoundly smitten, devoted characters, Hira stands out as intensely, even excessively, whipped. But yes, Hira totally sees himself as superior to others in some important ways. Even before Noguchi Hiromi took his inventory about this so mercilessly, there were plenty of other signs.

covert grandiosity and idealization

Our introduction to Hira is his description of the “pyramid” social structure he experiences at school and how he’s at the lowest level of that pyramid (invisible at best, a visible target at worst). At first glance, this seems self-deprecating. But Hira is just describing where he falls in the structure, not endorsing the structure or his place in it. This sets up an important distinction that comes up continually in Hira’s thinking. Sometimes he really thinks badly of himself. But other times, he’s reporting how, in his view at least, others think of him. Sometimes he’s resigned to the ways others see him, but other times, he rebels against them. He doesn’t always make it clear which of these things he’s doing at a given time, but if you know what to look for it starts to be easier to pick out.

Mind you, it’s still very clear that there are ways in which Hira does view himself extremely negatively. His belief that he’s unworthy of Kiyoi is particularly strong. It inspires a lot of demeaning metaphors about himself, like calling himself a “pebble.” His belief in his unworthiness is linked to the belief that Kiyoi can’t possibly return his feelings or that if he does, it’s a bizarre miracle that can’t possibly last over the long term. The most remarkable thing about this belief is its incredible persistence, even in the face of example after example of evidence that Kiyoi loves and values him too and wants them to stay together. But denigrating himself in this context has a different meaning from what it would in others, as I'll get into in more detail shortly.

It’s a pretty universal human tendency to pay more attention to information that confirms our biases than information that challenges them. We’re also hard-wired to be more attentive to perceived threats (including threats to our sense of self-worth) than we are to less threatening things (and ideas). Both of these tendencies contribute to the fact that most of us fail to notice when our negative beliefs are being disproven.

I’ll be discussing this in more depth in part 2, but for now, I’ll just say that resistance to disproving a negative belief is very normal, but Hira’s stubbornness is way beyond what’s typical. He continually misinterprets or simply ignores clear signs of Kiyoi’s interest in and regard for him. I mean, most of us, no matter how poor our self-esteem is, no matter how jaded and pessimistic we are, would, if kissed by someone we’re in love with, at least entertain the possibility that they might like us a little bit. Not only does Hira not consider this possibility, he comes up with the rather bizarre interpretation that the graduation day kiss was Kiyoi’s way of telling him to leave him alone.

So, why would anyone be as stubbornly negative on this point as Hira is? Part of it is the strength of his negative beliefs and the degree of his bias. But there’s another reason as well, one I’m going to circle back to in a moment.

First, let’s look at Noguchi’s assessment of Hira in season 2, episode 4, which is very pertinent here. Talking about Hira’s submission to the Young Photographica contest, Noguchi says:

It was such a childish photo. You should've just chosen an empty place rather than erasing people. Going out of your way to [erase] people made it very clear that you hate this world. What I felt from your photo was tremendous selfishness and disgust. You haven't succeeded at all, but you think you're amazing. But instead of showing it outright, you make a shell by belittling yourself. You look down on this world with youth, stupidity, and ambiguity….You're just like the old me.

(dialogue from Viki subtitles)

It’s a little bit of a stretch, I think, to suggest that Noguchi can really tell all of this just by looking at a single photo (or even Hira’s entire portfolio). I think this partly happens just for the convenience of the story. But if I had to justify it, I’d say Noguchi has this much insight because, as he says, he used to be like Hira, making this a “takes one to know one” situation.

Hira confirms that Noguchi is correct here. “It’s like he sees right through me,” he thinks. So how do we reconcile this with Hira’s apparent negative self-image? Well, first off, it’s not unusual at all for very negative and excessively positive beliefs about the self to coexist in the same person. Take narcissism for example. People tend to think of narcissists as grandiose, thinking they’re amazing and special to a degree that’s clearly distorted. And that is one of the key symptoms of narcissism. But it’s also typical for narcissists to believe that if they aren’t remarkably special, they’re totally worthless. They have a hard time sitting with moderate (hence realistic) beliefs about themselves.

This kind of narcissistic tendency is really strong in people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but it’s present in a milder version in a lot of people (I suspect it’s present in most people, to some extent and under certain circumstances). Narcissistic personality traits are supposed to be linked to getting stuck at a developmental stage that ideally gets worked through during childhood. But a lot of us have at least a little bit of unfinished business from that period. I think Hira has a ton of unresolved stuff in this area. I definitely don’t think he would meet criteria for NPD. But I think that when he was in that developmental stage, he came up with some maladaptive strategies that helped him to get through it. As a result, he didn’t get stuck in the full-blown grandiose version of NPD, but he did get stuck with those maladaptive strategies, and they became a part of his personality instead. And he did retain 1) some of that highly polarized idea of self-worth (“I’m either the best ever or complete garbage”) and 2) some degree of belief in his superiority to others, no matter how shameful he finds it or how carefully he conceals it.

It’s also worth noting here that adolescents aren’t typically supposed to be diagnosed with personality disorders and even diagnosing young adults is often discouraged. This is because adolescence and early adulthood are times of intense change and development and the natural process of maturing can cause personality disorder symptoms to resolve even without mental health treatment. So that’s yet another reason to be wary of labeling Hira with any such diagnosis. This points to a major theme of the show, which is the fact that the central characters are works in progress. They aren’t fully formed adults yet, and that gives them a chance to improve themselves before they become set in their ways.

Getting back to Noguchi’s points: Hira is pretty misanthropic, although it’s often shown in pretty subtle ways in the show. This aspect of Hira is more noticeable in the novel. For one thing, the novel establishes early on that the erasing-people-from-photos thing isn’t some new or isolated phenomenon. Rather, the main thing Hira does with his camera at the beginning of the story is to intentionally take photos of populated areas and then carefully photoshop out all of the people. And it’s explicitly because he dislikes, even hates, most of humanity. This tendency still comes through in the series. Sometimes it’s obvious–remember those mass shooting fantasies?--and other times, it’s more subtle. We know that this aspect of the character is definitely still present in the series version of Hira since he confirms what Noguchi says about how his photo shows “selfishness and disgust.” He really is disgusted by many of the people around him.

making a shell - perfectionism and covert grandiosity

What about the part of Noguchi’s spiel where he says that Hira “make[s] a shell by belittling [himself]?” It took me some thinking to realize what (in my view) he meant by that.

This actually syncs up really well with something Noguchi says about Hira in Utsukushii Kare: Eternal. It’s illuminating enough that I’m making an exception here to confining myself to the time period of the series.

In this scene, Kiyoi is scheduled to be photographed by Noguchi on a day that Hira isn’t present at his studio. He asks about Hira and he and Noguchi talk about him briefly. Hearing that Kiyoi was Hira’s high school classmate, Noguchi talks about how weird and confining high school is, a terrible “environment for growth.” He says that doesn’t apply to Hira, though, because he’s “a king in sheep’s clothing.” This catches Kiyoi’s attention. “I was just thinking that you understand him really well,” he tells Noguchi. “I do,” Noguchi replies. “Although he looks timid and weak, he’s actually really strong.”

As Noguchi continues, his comments become more metaphorical and get harder to understand. (I suspect that the metaphors he uses might be idiomatic or otherwise intelligible to a Japanese audience in a way that’s difficult to get across in translation.) The gist is that he sees Hira as “strong-minded,” but that “in his heart” he has a kind of “sanctuary” that he protects from others, and that this could end up either holding Hira back or being something he can use to get somewhere in life. I’m not sure what to make of the sanctuary part, but it’s clear that Noguchi understands that Hira has thoughts and emotions that he doesn’t share with anyone, and that his image as a “sheep” who is “timid and weak” masks an unseen strength and determination, along with a more king-like attitude toward the world than he typically shows to others.

Time for a quick psychological theory sidebar, this time on perfectionism.

Some researchers who study perfectionism have identified a type they call “narcissistic perfectionism.” Narcissistic perfectionists think that they are, or need to be, perfect, and they expect others to be the same way, thinking about them in highly negative ways if they don’t measure up. If you read about this idea, most of the examples given to illustrate it are people who have achieved a lot in their lives, who can point to big accomplishments. But perfectionism doesn’t always result in achievements. Sometimes it keeps people stuck in a mindset that anything but perfection is pointless, making them reluctant to really try to do anything at all. If you’re a perfectionist who has a need to believe you’re special, that you would achieve big things if you tried, actually trying means taking a risk that you’ll find out that when you try, the results aren’t actually perfect and amazing.

According to narcissistic thinking, this would mean that you’re worthless, because the options are either being the best or being complete garbage. Again, I think it’s an overstatement and an oversimplification to call Hira a narcissist, but he has unresolved self-worth baggage that takes a somewhat narcissistic shape. In this way, he shows a kind of perfectionism that seems clearly underpinned by his self-worth issues. Instead of fueling achievements, this perfectionism keeps him stuck, inactive, too afraid to attempt what he thinks he might be able to do while clinging to a fantasy of what he could do if he ever got un-stuck and really tried.

That’s usually a secret. Remember when Hira didn’t make it through the first cut of the contest? He thought, “Even though I always deny it out loud, I did think photography was the one thing I can do. It felt like I was being ripped apart for being conceited" (dialogue from a fansub by @lollipopsub). The fact that he would "deny it out loud" is notable. I also think that he’s still not being entirely candid. If he thought “photography was the one thing [he] can do,” that wouldn’t exactly be “conceited”--it would actually be quite modest (about photography) and harshly self-critical (about everything else). I think deep down he has thoughts that are truly conceited, thoughts that he’s not just competent when it comes to photography, but “amazing,” as Noguchi puts it. Once again, Hira confirms everything Noguchi said with his “he sees right through me” reaction, so he agrees with this assessment.

This conceited side of Hira is never supposed to see the light of day. This is the main reason he’s so intensely embarrassed when Noguchi understands him so well, I think. It’s what Noguchi is talking about when he says that Hira “make[s] a shell by belittling [him]self.” Acting as if he’s the lowest of the low is a defense. It does correspond to the part of himself that fears, at times even believes, that he’s worthless. But it’s also a way of hiding his grandiose side. This is a way of protecting himself from the reaction others would have if they could see how highly he thinks of himself despite not having made enough effort to accomplish the sorts of things he thinks he’s capable of. It’s also a way of protecting himself from his own awareness of his shortcomings and pretensions.

There’s another type of perfectionism researchers have identified, called “covert perfectionism,” in which the person’s outward expectations of others are low and they don’t show their perfectionistic traits outwardly very much, if at all. They’re supposed to be more likely than some types to get trapped in the kind of stuckness I mentioned earlier, in which perfectionism prevents the person from making a real effort at things they would like to do well. In some important ways, Hira’s perfectionism resembles this type as well. You could say that his type of perfectionism has definite narcissistic attributes, but he hides it well enough that it is also covert.

A number of different articles on perfectionism that I looked at cited the same Brene Brown quote about it, from her book The Gifts of Imperfection. I think it’s very salient here. She writes:

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.

This is very characteristic of Hira. He doesn’t expect to “look perfect” in most respects (he’s more likely to simply try to go unnoticed). But he is obsessed with avoiding those painful emotions. He has spent his entire life being shamed and judged and living in fear of it happening still more. He’s very strategic and has given a lot of thought to how best to avoid being shamed. In fact, these efforts seem to be part of the reason he is such an avid observer of the social structures around him–learning about those structures is a survival skill for him.

idealization and affiliation: borrowing status

In addition to factoring in his covert grandiosity, I think there’s something else to account for when looking closely at Hira’s apparent self-hatred. Hira’s self-critical tendencies can appear inflated if we lump examples that pertain to his relationship with Kiyoi in with other cases. They should actually be looked at separately, because their meanings are distinctly different. Again, I don’t contest that Hira has a low opinion of himself in a lot of respects. But I think when we step back and look at many of the biggest examples of what appears to be a negative view of himself, a lot of them are focused on where he stands in relation to Kiyoi. That’s not the same thing as his value as a person. And placing himself in a certain role in relation to Kiyoi has a specific kind of meaning for him, along with a specific kind of payoff.

Here comes another theoretical interlude. This time, I’m going to briefly touch on Heinz Kohut’s idea of the need for idealization.

Kohut was the originator of a school of thought called self psychology, a branch of psychoanalysis that underpins a lot of contemporary psychoanalytic/psychodynamic theory and practice. He was also an expert on narcissism and basically saw variations and degrees of narcissism as central to a lot of psychological challenges. (There’s some reason to believe Kohut may himself have had narcissistic personality disorder, which would have made him intimately familiar with its inner workings.)

Kohut’s self psychology departed from Freud’s whole psychosexual development model (basically, everyone’s least favorite aspect of Freudianism—the part with all the penis envy and Oedipal stuff and so forth). In its place, self psychology focuses on how we see ourselves, what our needs are in terms of self-image, and other matters that are very relevant to this discussion. One of Kohut’s most important insights was his observation that even when other people have a big impact on our psychological state, what we’re interacting with isn’t so much the other person themselves but our internalized idea of that person. Kohut called internalized versions of people and things from our external world “selfobjects.” (I’ll be circling back to this momentarily.)

One of Kohut’s most central concepts is idealization. In Kohut’s version of idealization, a person views someone else as basically perfect, maybe even omnipotent. The idealized person becomes a special kind of selfobject. In the best case scenario, the person doing the idealizing has some kind of real, personal connection to the idealized person. But even a mental connection to them via their status as a selfobject can meet a need in some ways.

By feeling connected to, or even just affiliated with, the idealized person, the idealizer feels like they take on some degree of the qualities they see in the idealized person. It’s not hard to see how this tendency would date back to childhood. Children have a particular need to idealize their parents at certain stages in their development. Thinking of their parents as strong, capable, in control, wise, calm, etc. gives children a sense of safety and a sort of borrowed self-esteem.

Once you’ve idealized someone, you feel a real need to continue to see them as special and powerful. Again, childrens’ views of their parents are a good example here. One reason children often blame themselves when they are neglected or abused is because they have a strong need to continue to view their parents favorably. Without that favorable view of their parent, their world would seem chaotic and dangerous. Blaming themselves often seems safer. Here, maintaining the high status of the idealized person is so important that it’s a bigger priority than preserving self-worth.

I bet you can guess where I’m going with this. Yep, Hira idealizes Kiyoi in the Kohutian sense of the word. There are a number of facets of this. Part of it involves viewing Kiyoi as basically perfect–outstanding in every way. Even when Hira sees Kiyoi as cruel, he seems to view this as an ideal attribute for someone like Kiyoi.

Hira not only states that he thinks of Kiyoi as “like a God" in season 1, episode 6, he frequently expects Kiyoi to have god-like qualities and abilities. In one of Nagira Yuu's shorter pieces about Hira and Kiyoi that's told from Hira's perspective, he's explicit about this. "Kiyoi's existence is already in a much higher dimension than human beings," he thinks. "Is he the successful fusion of deity and human? That is the big question" ("Wonderful World," as translated by @sparkling-rain). At points during the series, he expects Kiyoi to have a superhuman degree of freedom to do anything he wishes and to know things that would require him to read Hira's mind. He really does treat him as if he’s practically omnipotent.

Hira's idealization of Kiyoi has a number of implications. One is that Hira misunderstands the social structure at his school. He views Kiyoi as the unquestioned king and doesn’t see that in many ways, Kiyoi makes choices about how to behave in school out of a desire to stay on the good side of bullies like Shirota. This fundamental misunderstanding in turn makes it impossible for Hira to notice or understand all the ways Kiyoi tries to protect him at school. If Kiyoi were really at the peak of the school hierarchy, if he wanted to be nice to Hira, he would just do it. But because he has to maintain a certain image in order to keep himself safe, he has to help Hira in covert ways. For example, when Kiyoi admonishes Yoshida not to order Hira around or use his demeaning, ableist nickname, he makes it seem like he just wants Hira to be at his beck and call, which wouldn’t be possible if he were occupied doing tasks for others. But if that were the case, why would he object to Yoshida using the nickname? For that matter, why doesn’t Kiyoi ever use the nickname himself? (He says it aloud in his exchange with Yoshida, but he never actually uses it to address Hira.) If Hira weren’t so invested in the idea of Kiyoi’s supreme power, he might have noticed these disparities between his narrative and reality within the story.

In season 2, the fact that Hira is both someone who has a relationship with Kiyoi and at the same time is a fan of Kiyoi as a performer points out another aspect of idealization. While I’ve never seen Kohut’s concept of idealization applied to fandom, I think there’s at least a variation of it at play when we feel comforted by, or as if we gain status from, being a fan of a person (or a group, piece of media, etc.) that we see as special or powerful. When we get excited because the sports team we root for does well or our favorite actor wins an award or is in a movie or show that does well, I think we’re experiencing a kind of gratification based on a selfobject that we feel is ideal in some way. Our status as fans gives us an affiliation that feels similar to a real connection. (Parasocial relationships are related to this as well–something that’s likely to resonate with those of us who participate in BL fandom, where examples of parasocial relationships abound.)

So both as a fan and as a classmate, then a (sort of) friend, then a boyfriend, Hira gets a great deal of satisfaction and happiness from idealizing Kiyoi and feeling like he has a kind of tie to him. This is completely interwoven with the love he feels for Kiyoi in the beginning. But it also makes it very difficult for him to acknowledge the ways in which Kiyoi doesn’t actually resemble his initial, idealized selfobject of him. Kiyoi isn’t omnipotent. He was never actually the most powerful person in their high school class. In many ways, he’s actually a better person than his selfobject version. Although Kiyoi isn’t the nicest person ever, he’s not nearly as cruel as the cold, imperious figure Hira paints him as.

Sometimes Hira chooses this selfobject over Kiyoi the human being, and Kiyoi knows it. In season 1, episode 4, when Hira starts to get close to Kiyoi but then backs off, protesting that he’s just a “servant” and Kiyoi is his “king,” Kiyoi responds by telling him (in the Viki subtitle translation), “I don’t care if you chase your ideal of me, but leave the real me alone.” This dynamic, of course, is a huge theme in their relationship that continues all the way to the end of season 2 and beyond.

Those are some of the ways in which Hira insists on maintaining his idealized selfobject of Kiyoi. But there’s another way he clings to this idealization, which I think is harder to see at first: in order for Kiyoi to be elevated, Hira has to be beneath him. This is actually one of the most paradoxical parts of this paradoxical structure, because in Hira’s view, he has to be beneath Kiyoi in order for Kiyoi to be exalted, but by exalting Kiyoi, Hira’s status is raised. It sounds strange at first, but it’s not a new idea. The notion of humbly dedicating oneself to someone or something that you uphold as an ideal sounds like an act of self-abnegation, but in the minds of those who take on such a role, by affiliating themselves with this perfect person or thing, some of the magical aura of that perfection rubs off on them.

It’s a bit like members of the clergy in the past (in a Christian/European context), who were known to humble themselves completely, taking vows of poverty, depriving themselves in various ways, even mortifying their flesh. Through these humbling acts, these people were seen by themselves and others as closer to God than an ordinary person, potentially as a channel to God–even as someone who could actually speak for God. By humbling themselves and exalting their ideal, they became something greater than they would ever have been capable of being on their own. Hira’s approach is remarkably similar. In keeping with his description of Kiyoi as a kind of god, he talks about wanting to be a “nun.” (As I understand it, he’s describing a role more like that of a shrine maiden in Shintoism than a nun in any Christian tradition, but there’s enough similarity in those roles to justify the translation.) Basically, if you make your ideal person perfect enough, then even being their servant gives you a lot of status, especially if you’re their most devoted, indispensable servant.

I’m reminded of a passage from the novel here. In the novel version of the story, Kiyoi visits Hira at his new home. A different situation than the one in the series has led to him living alone for the first time, and as in the series, Kiyoi uses his need for a rehearsal space as an excuse to visit Hira there. The situation is somewhat different from the series, but similar in essentials. Hira and Kiyoi have a conversation that leads to an exchange that is equivalent to the conversation that takes place right after the finger incident in the series. In the novel, this scene is portrayed from Kiyoi’s point of view; anything in italics is his internal dialogue. (The ellipsis below is mine.)

‘What am I to you?’

‘The person I love most in the word.’

It was this firm response that gave Kiyoi courage.

‘Then, do you want to date me?’

Kiyoi felt his face burning. Just say yes. If you do, I’ll be able to be honest too. Kiyoi’s heart was pounding as he waited for Hira’s answer, but the answer he got was something that he hadn’t expected.

‘I don’t want to.’

Kiyoi blinked.

‘Why?’

…

‘Because you’re the king.’

‘Huh?’

Kiyoi’s eyes blinked even faster than before.

‘I mean…Kiyoi is like a king, and I’m merely an ordinary person who serves the king; it’s not like I do it out of obligation, but in my mind, I view myself as Captain Duck…Ah, by Captain Duck, I’m referring to a yellow toy in the shape of a duck that children play with in swimming pools or bathtubs, you know?’

–I know, but what does that have to do with it?

Not caring about Kiyoi, who wanted to ask something, Hira continued to explain about the duck. He kept babbling on and on about how Captain Duck once used to float in the sewage and was now proudly floating down a golden river as a prestigious toy of the king, and it was very satisfied with its current life.

(from this section of White Lotus’s novel translation)

Hira is explicit here about the servant/king relationship he envisions for himself and Kiyoi. But the rubber duck imagery is even more telling. Being a cheap toy, an inanimate object of so little value that it’s almost disposable, is more than enough for Hira as long as he can be associated with Kiyoi–if he can be ‘a prestigious toy of the king.’ Just belonging to Kiyoi, even (or especially?) as an insignificant object, equates to ‘proudly floating down a golden river.’ Again, placing Kiyoi in an exalted position and then abasing himself (while maintaining a link to Kiyoi) is Hira’s way of using idealization to achieve a paradoxical kind of status.

The conflict over Hira’s unrelenting idealization of Kiyoi comes to a head in season 2 when Hira fails to understand why his comment about Kiyoi and his parents having “nothing to do with one another” was hurtful.

Kiyoi: Do you not get how I feel right now?

Hira: I don’t!

Kiyoi: Think about it! If you don’t get it, think! [tapping Hira on the head]

Hira: Sorry.

Kiyoi: I don’t want you to apologize.

Hira: But…you’re mad at me.

Kiyoi: It’s always like this. I get mad, and you take the blame. But in reality you just don’t get it!

Hira: No, I don’t! The stars in the sky and the ones watching them will never align!

Kiyoi: What does space have to do with it?!

Hira: Because you and I are completely different! We’re in different dimensions and on different paths. That’s why stars shine so brightly! If I try to touch it or to understand it, all I’ll do is pull the star down to my level! So what I’m saying is…in reality…I don’t…want to understand you.

(dialogue translated by @lollipopsub)

Hira makes this dynamic very explicit here. It’s not just that he thinks Kiyoi is superior and his role is to serve him. He’s determined to actively resist interacting with Kiyoi on an even playing field. It’s particularly clear when he says, “If I try to touch it or to understand it, all I’ll do is pull the star down to my level.” Seeing things from Kiyoi’s point of view or touching him–metaphorically, and in some ways literally–would “pull [Kiyoi] down to [Hira’s] level.” Instead of raising Hira’s status, this would degrade Kiyoi’s. The distance between Kiyoi and Hira–the lack of understanding and meaningful contact–is (from Hira’s perspective) a feature, not a bug. It’s integral to the gratification Hira experiences when he watches Kiyoi as if he were a star–something both beautiful and trillions of miles away.

One sign of the importance Hira places on Kiyoi’s exalted social status is how irritated, even livid, he gets when other people don’t recognize and behave in accordance with his views on the social hierarchy and where they stand in relation to Kiyoi.

For example, when Shirota and his friends make shitty comments about Kiyoi after he doesn’t win the contest, they’re obviously being assholes. But what bothers Hira most is that they are acting as if Kiyoi failing to win a highly competitive national contest means he’s beneath them, when in fact, it’s unlikely any of them would have qualified as contestants, much less made it to the finals like Kiyoi did. To Hira, it’s their lack of understanding of their place in the hierarchy, their lack of recognition that Kiyoi is above them, that is most damning. Which is legitimately infuriating–they’re being incredibly arrogant. But personally, I think it’s clearly more important that they’re being critical and dismissive of someone they claim is their friend right when he has just gone through something very disappointing. That’s not a big concern for Hira, though. In addition to deriving a kind of status from his association with Kiyoi, he also finds some satisfaction in knowing that while his status in relation to Kiyoi is low, at least he can correctly gauge where he stands, unlike others.

And he seems to relish not only correctly assessing his place in the world but also maintaining a particularly lowly role. This isn’t inherent to idealization, though as I’ll talk about further, this combination of factors isn’t unique to Hira by any stretch. I mentioned that Hira’s perfectionism, among other things, is a way of attempting to, as Brene Brown put it, “avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” Hira does have some grandiose beliefs about himself, but he also views himself as inferior in many ways. This tension creates the stuckness that often comes with perfectionism, and this blocks Hira from attaining goals that would fuel a more healthy kind of self-esteem. Gaining status through his association with an idealized version of Kiyoi gets around all of these problems.

Hira also seems to view his grandiose thoughts as a sort of jinx, a way of tempting fate. Think back again to his thoughts when he found out that he hadn’t made the first cut in the Young Photographica contest. “It felt like I was being ripped apart for being conceited.” In Hira’s world, having grandiose thoughts–or at least, buying into them–brings punishment. It’s better, and safer, to embrace total abjection. This is one more reason why it seems safest to put Kiyoi on a pedestal while placing himself in the most inferior position possible. At least, this seems safest until Hira realizes he could lose Kiyoi entirely if he doesn’t stop this destructive pattern.

When Hira does finally try to make a shift in how he relates to Kiyoi at the end of season 2, the big gesture he makes toward “look[ing] at [Kiyoi] straight on” is setting, then communicating, the goal of photographing Kiyoi in the role of professional photographer. This is a very appropriate way for him to make this move. Viewing Kiyoi more as an equal means having to relinquish some part of the status and self-worth he borrows from his idealized image of Kiyoi; this is the perfect time, then, for him to find some self-worth of his own by finally putting himself out there as a photographer and making a real effort to test his abilities.

That's it for this installment! I hope to get part 2 posted within the next week. Edited to add, four months later: That was a little unrealistic! But I'm determined to finish it off one of these days.

Edited to add:

Adding an edit here as I noticed what seems like a rather glaring omission. I failed to reference a scene that bears out a lot of what I have to say in this post. It happens when Hira is staying with Noguchi in Eternal. They have this exchange over ramen:

Noguchi: I was just like you in the past. All full of myself and thought that everything I saw was boring. I was always angry and all, "You're all worthless and should disappear!" Hira: I don't think we're alike at all, though. Noguchi: Having too much confidence and having too little confidence, they're two sides of the same paper in the sense that they're both signs of a damaged self-consciousness. Anything could make you switch sides at the drop of a hat.

(Emphasis mine.)

Citations for individual quotes are included with their respective quotes. The following sources were used:

When I quoted series dialogue, I used the wording @lollipopsub used in their (sadly no longer accessible in the US) fansub whenever possible. I lost access to this version so these quotes are from my notes.

I also quoted the Viki subs (which are good, just not quite as good as the ones @lollipopsub made) when needed. On one occasion I used the Viki version because it supported my point better.

When I quoted the novel, I quoted a fan translation by White Lotus featured on a site called Chrysanthemum Garden.

I also briefly quoted a short story translated by @sparkling-rain here.

When I quoted Eternal, I quoted a fansub that (at the subber’s request) will remain nameless.

[woodchipp]

A CRITIQUE OF OMORI, PART 3: MARI AND THE TRUTH

NOTE: Reader discretion is advised. By clicking on “Keep reading”, you willingly choose to continue reading the post.

OMORI spends a considerable amount of time trying to ingratiate you to Mari as a character. In Headspace, she plays a motherly role to Omori and the gang, providing endless positivity and advice to the party whenever they take a break at her picnic blanket; at one point, Kel even begs Hero not to tell Mari about him and Aubrey knocking Basil over the same way a child would beg someone else to not tell their mother after messing up. In the real world, everyone who knew her only ever speaks of her as being kind and gentle, and the official walkthrough guide even calls her “the glue that holds everyone together”.

As wholesome as all of that may seem at first glance, this is one of the main problems with Mari’s writing: the game tries to get you to love her so hard that it comes off as overly aggressive character shilling. For instance, during the second picnic Omori and his friends can have with Mari en route to Basil’s house, Basil wishes to be more like Mari and notes that she always seems to have everything under control, Hero compliments her on how she always makes everything look easy, and Aubrey describes her as "effortlessly graceful". As with Basil summing up each of the characters via flowers, the game spells out the character’s personality for you right at the start rather than allowing you to parse it for yourself over the course of the story.

[Pictured: complex and nuanced characterization.]

[How should I know? I literally just met her a few minutes ago.]

If the shilling had been limited to Headspace, it could’ve been a powerful narrative tool to show how much Sunny idolizes his big sister and foreshadow that his perception of her is unreliable. The problem is that what we learn about her in the real world reinforces said unreliable perception; as with the photo album and the main characters’ childhood, the narrative paints the real Mari as too impossibly perfect of a person to be remotely believable. Not only did she switch beds with her brother when the latter started to have difficulty falling asleep, she also let him sleep with her when he had nightmares, took the blame for him breaking one of their mother’s vases and even saved him from drowning once. She also bought Basil his signature photo album, bought Sunny a giant building block set as a gift for one of his birthdays, carried Sunny back home after he fell asleep on the bus, pitched in along with Sunny's other friends to buy him a violin for Christmas, was the perfect match for Hero and generally served as the group’s caring mother figure in the real world as well. C’mon, love her already!

Of course, such a flawless angel is too good for this sinful earth. That is why, after spending the entirety of its runtime building up to Mari having killed herself due to her own mental issues, the game pulls a last-minute plot twist and reveals that Sunny accidentally killed her by shoving her down the stairs during an argument they had over Sunny breaking his violin on the day of a recital they were to perform at. As evidenced by the datamined text from the “Truth” photo album, the game gives no consideration to Mari’s perspective on the matter and only focuses on Sunny’s feelings. It’s all about how he was overcome, how his fingers were shaking in pain and how he was sick of practicing over and over. How did Mari feel when she saw her brother destroy the fruit of her and his friends’ hard work in one fell swoop? How did she feel being perpetually dissatisfied with the waltz she obsessively practiced, trying to reach the unreachable standards she set for herself? These are questions the game doesn’t bother answering, because Sunny and his feelings are of central priority to the story at all times, even if it comes at the expense of other characters, their own feelings or even logic. 

(speaking of logic, the game never explains why Sunny and Mari were arguing at the top of the staircase in the first place. the piano room, which is most likely where the two practiced since Mari's piano is located there, is on the first floor of their house, while Photo of an Argument shows them them having said argument on the second one. peak writing)

Additionally, the story fails to properly establish just how strenuous violin practice was for Sunny. The only bit of set-up for the argument the game provides during the main story is Lost Library's “Saturday morning cartoons” book, which isn’t much and requires the player to make a giant leap from “Sunny doesn’t like violin practice because he misses out on watching cartoons with his friends” to “violin practice physically hurts Sunny and he resents Mari for her perfectionism”. Likewise, the narrative’s prior and consistent portrayal of Mari as flawless is incompatible with the plot twist’s insinuation that she overworked Sunny and was harsh on him when he made mistakes, which makes the twist feel even more inorganic than it already is.

If the game left the twist at Sunny shoving Mari down the stairs, that probably would’ve been enough. However, it subsequently inserts Basil into the scene, him having bore witness to the argument and Mari’s murder. This doesn’t make sense on a logistical level because the game never explains how Basil managed to get inside Sunny’s house and why he was there in the first place. Not only does Basil not try to call an ambulance/find the nearest adult to help, he comes up with a plan to cover up Mari’s murder by framing it as a suicide. Basil’s multi-step plan is not something one would come up with in a situation of high anxiety and stress: it feels nearly premeditated, and at no step of the way does Basil seem to have had second thoughts, like one would if they were acting irrationally. Furthermore, the sheer tonal dissonance created by the fact that Basil of all people came up with an idea this demented isn’t disturbing as much as it is absurd. It reeks of the writer assuming that a topic like murder instantly makes a story Deep and Complex without putting any thought into it, and it seems Basil was written into the twist solely to absolve Sunny of any responsibility for the cover-up. 

Finally, the game inadvertently implies that Mari's suicide wasn't investigated properly, if at all. The clues indicating that she didn't hang herself are obvious, such as the fact that she seemingly used a jumping rope and her stockings being clean as opposed to stained with grass and mud from the ground around the tree. Such a break from reality isn't much of a significant problem, but it does become rather conspicuous once you notice it. Fans tend to theorize that Sunny's parents somehow knew the truth and possibly bribed the police into dropping the case, but there isn't enough concrete evidence to support this theory.

The knowledge of the twist is imperative to understanding just how aggressive and transparent the shilling becomes. Some of the most notable moments that explicitly demonstrate what the player is meant to think about Mari include divine light shining down on her grave in the town’s cemetery, her farewell to Sunny at the end of the North Lake segment, where she is briefly shown walking on water, and her brief conversation with Sunny in his house's piano room on One Day Left, where she apologizes to Sunny for “pushing him too hard”, implying that her brother killing her was somehow her fault.

Mari isn’t a character in her own right - she is the quintessential fridged woman, existing purely as the object fueling the main characters’ grief and being important only when the game needs to assure the player that Sunny killing his sister wasn’t much of a big deal. After all, even the person he killed is shown to forgive him for what he did.

Speaking of Sunny, his actions in the aftermath of the incident paint him as rather reprehensible. Not only does he vandalize Basil’s most precious belonging and then leave him alone, but he also chooses to lie by omission to his friends and his parents, letting them believe that they failed her because of the assumed nature of her death as a suicide. On top of all that, the game seems to heavily imply that Sunny blacked out the photos due to Omori’s influence; considering that Omori is apparently meant to be the personification of Sunny’s depression, this reads as a convenient way to absolve Sunny of any responsibility for his horrible actions by making his Evil Mental Illness the culprit.

It’s time to talk about this game’s depiction of mental illness, then.

[reason-with-the-underdog]

haikavetham & childhood finances, pt 2

(analysis of alhaitham's & kaveh's attitudes towards money, with a focus on kaveh since more of his character story is about financial struggles)

part 1 here

to recap, i'm outlining aspects of kaveh's current financial mindset that make sense if he knowingly experienced poverty as an adolescent

4. his belief in mutual aid

Kaveh’s expresses a belief in mutual aid (& shows it by giving money to unemployed shipwrights + referring them for a job)

basically mutual aid acts like an unofficial social safety net for poor folks. Pay it forward, be generous within your community, etc... do a favor for your neighbor and they might help you back, that kinda thing

It’s a mixed bag research-wise on if poor people are more generous than rich people

but anecdotally, i've seen many ppl saying that their experiences w poverty made them not care if they were getting scammed by a homeless person, the risk of not helping was much worse.

like yea that’s kaveh

5. inability to ask for help

Ok i admit this one’s pretty complicated and definitely wrapped up in kaveh’s own guilt complex

however an inability to ask for/accept help and gifts is definitely a character trait that many people who experienced poverty as children can relate to

6. couponing/discount-shopping but not buying in bulk

This one’s more a sidenote than “evidence”

Kaveh’s famous locally for being able to catch when high-quality wine gets discounted by 90%

buying in bulk has higher up-front costs even if the per-unit cost is cheaper, so it’s more of a middle-class habit (rich people don’t necessarily care, and poor ppl can’t afford it)

so onto the counter(?) evidence!

His teapot dialogue at first glance seems to have him talking about his bankruptcy and how it shocked him as an otherwise financially privileged and idealistic/naive student. But i dont think it necessarily contradicts my headcanon here

His teapot dialogue talks about abject poverty in relation to his bankruptcy period (living at lambad’s)

This makes sense to me bc homelessness is a uniquely harrowing experience& idt he’d consider childhood financial insecurity as “abject poverty” (again they always had a house)

+ he naturally has the desire to minimise any problems his mother had as a single parent

And being poor as a kid doesn’t mean he couldn’t still have strong ideals/pride as a student (and still does have as an adult)

Ok so that’s my case for why i think kaveh experienced being “cash poor” as a kid

Why am i so invested in this hc?

Beyond it explaining a lot of his financial habits/helplessness, it also makes for fun comparisons to Alhaitham!

Alhaitham is very much set up as a middle-class saver and spender. I think there’s a case to be made for him lacking insight into the struggles of the poor in a "hidden blindspots" middle-class kinda way

(the whole “free healthcare” comment vs dori’s backstory about her sister dying from being unable to afford healthcare, kaveh believing in the reality of kids in sumeru starving, etc)

here he gave decent advice (their skills are obsolete, they need to transition to more relevant industries/skills)

but at the same time… he’s asking them to leave their families behind for possibly months while they’re at sea, to invest a lot of up-front money for training, etc

ppl who grow up privileged (middle class/rich bg) tend to have those "blind spots"

good well-intentioned advice, but maybe not understanding that it may not be practical

Real life examples might be like “young and unemployed? Join the army” or “stop buying lattes/avocado toast”

(ok the latter advice may not be well-intentioned, but a lot of the rich folks saying “stop buying X” do seem to genuinely believe their words... but the problem is that if your debt is massive or buying a house is forever away, saving a teensy bit over time isn't going to fix things really)

if kaveh is set up as having experienced living as low-income, it makes sense why he’s more sympathetic to the craftsmans’ concerns and gives them what they’re actually asking for

(money for short-term needs & gigs to gain more mots asap w/o having to completely switch industries)

Anyways that’s my very long-winded soapbox. Hope this gave some food for thought on the implications the potential years of grieving faranak not working or being underemployed have for kaveh's childhood!

As a final parting shot, here’s dori in a nutshell

dori's interesting, she's more like kaveh's foil than alhaitham is (alhaitham being his mirror and sharing similar values/goals, just having different ideas and approaches to getting there)

in conclusion: there's a reason why so many thought kaveh's bg was underprivileged pre-lore drop. so many of his behaviors & ideals align with that sort of upbringing

reposted with permission, ty river!

[only-the-impossible]

i really don’t know how tumblr works but i posted this brain dump analysis thread on twitter about nicki and his “i secretly hoped we would both fail” thing bc it’s sooooo yummy and complex and not what it seems on first glance and i wanted to add it here too 😁

it’s not him secretly hating or judging lestat, it’s a progression of his deterioration from “i am cursed and the heavens despise me but it’s not too late for lestat bc his soul is good and by being around him maybe there’s hope for me too

to

“i am pure evil and cursed to my core, there is no hope for changing that or salvation for me and i’m corrupting the person i love most just by being around him and that is risking his soul also becoming damned and the thought of that is devastating so i would rather push him away and get him to leave by being cruel to him; while also selfishly hoping that he could choose me and damn himself to be cursed to hell by staying and dying with me; the way we talk about being ‘companions in sin’, but hoping that could mean for eternity so that i wont be alone there, selfishly hoping that someone will choose loving me and my evil enough to love it to that end”

like there’s something specific in how nicki’s “hatred and judgment” he feels towards lestat is not that at all and it’s actually that he loves him SO much that it makes him hate himself more; a big reason nicki’s character and nickistat hurts so bad and is so doomed and compelling is that lestat loved him SO MUCH that that just solidified nicki’s fate/destiny to where there could be no denying that even the highest level of love could not save him from it

and nicki projecting hatred and judgement onto lestat was not actually about lestat, it was hatred and judgement towards HIMSELF that ended up being projected onto him bc ‘how evil of me to drag this good person into loving me and letting them hope that could save me and how silly of ME to believe that could cleanse me of my darkness and evil and that it could change my fate.’

he doesn’t and never could hate lestat, the fact that their love was so intense and big for eachother ultimately made nicki hate himself more bc yeah god really does hate him and wants him to suffer and it was stupid of him to even hope that he could make god love him by learning goodness and light from lestat

he believes that to have been him manipulating lestat into loving and hoping for him and that makes him hate himself even more bc “who was I, to dare and doom my beloved Lestat's soul to such a fate?Nicolas de Lenfent. Lord of Darkness, Lord of Sin.” (quote from my current fav nicki character analysis fic btw i’ll add the link at the end😈)

him trying to make lestat believe he hated him was a desperate attempt at saving him from the same fate, it was ultimately a legit (albeit complex and fucked) act of love,

i’ve also got a lotttt of thoughts about this specifically in regards to parallels of nicki/nickistat to dante’s inferno/francesca + paolo’s story bc a LOTTTT of tvc characters and themes and nicki especially have so much catholic religious influence in how they think and behave due to being raised under it and it’s horrible and wonderful and i can’t wait to write an entire essay about it :)