#he’s stuck in this profession he hates now and constantly reminds him of what he’s lost

[caliburn-not-calculator]

This might be a bit big for a doodle request, but Professionals in a Knight/Prince AU? It's been haunting the back of my mind...

I could decide who to do as who I flipped a coin, and so we have Prince-la and knight maxim

I started doing robots but the faces where not facing alas, so human them! Maxim is so done with this idiot who seems set on getting himself killed and VR-LA is… so fine

Very fine

Not panicking at all

[yuzukult]

effortlessly, the epilogue (m) || jjk & reader

title: effortlessy, the epilogue pairing: jungkook x reader word count: 5.6k genre: the after high school :) + my infamous poorly written smut a/n: it’s shorter than intended but... it’s out guys! because someone asked me when I planned on posting this and I thought that I was the only one who cared about this epilogue. ;u; Thanks for mentioning it to me, because it motivated me to write it again. Enjoy! series masterlist can be found here

"I want to take care of the planet like Greta Thunberg!"

"Noooo, wouldn't you want to be something cooler? Like a soccer player? How about Lionel Messi?"

"Forget soccer! I want to do something even better... make computers like Steve Jobs!"

One of the children frowns, shoulders slouching in disappointment and frustration of his classmates. Leaning down, you brush away the bangs that cover his eyes, gently pinching his chubby cheeks full of love and care. "What's wrong, Jaemin?"

"I don't want to be like Greta Thunberg or Lion Messi or Steve Work!" He exclaims, arms thrown in the air. 

"It's Lionel Messi and Steve Jobs, Jaemin!"

"Okay, okay," You say soothingly, hands cupping and thumbs rubbing against the flesh of his cheeks delicately. "That's fine, Jaemin, you don't have to be like those people if you don't want to. You can choose whatever profession you want, and whomever you want it to be like." 

"I want to be a swimmer, like Jeon Jungkook!"

"Mm," You hum, tapping your finger against your chin as if you're pondering about Jaemin's idea. "You could, if you'd like. Have you ever met Jeon Jungkook before?"

"No," He pouts, his bottom lip jutting out in dismay. "But momma showed me videos of hyung online and he seems like a very kind person." Nodding, your hands fall into the ones of Jaemin's, swaying your arms together to calm his nerves. Children tend to be very emotional, you learn after the many years of experience with them, and Jaemin is no exception. Finding ways to tame their anxiousness was the true challenge. "Want to hear a secret?"

His eyes widen as large as the cartoons he watches on TV. "Yes! What's the secret?"

Pretending to glance out to confirm that the coast is clear and that the other children had walked away to find something more interesting to direct their attention to, you whisper into Jaemin's ear. "Jeon Jungkook was my best friend."

Jaemin gasps. "No way. Your friend? Are you just saying that to me so I can feel better?" Yes, is what you really wanted to tell him, but truth to be told, you weren't lying. Kids were incredibly smart for even noticing that adults would say things to water down the situation, but you weren't just saying anything. "Of course not. Jungkook and I go way back, way before he became a professional swimmer. I used to go to all his practices, hung out with him after them, and even attended classes with him... just like you're in one right now!"

"Do you think... Do you think you can ask Jungkook hyung to come visit us? Maybe? If you're still friends with him..." He drifts, the thought of not being able to see his hero weighing down on his shoulders again. "I'll see what I can do," Standing from where you've been crouching, you ruffle Jaemin's hair with a soft sigh escaping your lips. "Now go play with the other kids. Remember, you can be whoever you want, and everyone else can be whoever they want as well."

Right before the clock hits 3:00PM, you verify that all the little kids are geared up in their beanies, puffer jackets, shoes, and some with gloves, in preparation for their parents' arrival. When the doors open and the children line up, leaving one by one, their nose and cheeks tint pink at the harsh winds, shivering yet at the same time cheering in glee when they see their guardians pull up. 

Watching the smiles on their faces reminds you of the time that you hated the winter; brisk air smacking your cheeks in pain, freezing your face in position, fingers stiff from being exposed to the outside, and constant shaking just to warm yourself up in a clownery large winter coat. Yet, this time around, you find yourself fond of the weather, the thought of being able to spend time with your loved ones approaching and activities that could only be done during this specific season. 

"Ready to head out?" One of your co-workers asks, just as bundled up as you are, learning your lesson after leaving without a jacket that wasn't thick enough before a day ago. "Yeah, I am. Let me just get my purse first, Naeun."

It's a constant cycle everyday: swipe your transit pass onto the bus, get off, walk an obscene amount of distance, if it's a good day then you'd stop for coffee, get to school, and prep for the day before calling the students in to take attendance, then that's when the teaching starts. 

But something about today feels great, despite the snow falling from the sky that nearly has you slipping on the ice from lack of attention to anything in front of you. So, you grab something hot. After all, what's better than a cup of hot chocolate in the morning right before you're stuck in a classroom full of twenty first-graders?

Following your medium sized peppermint hot chocolate (you're rather quite enamored that you're able to find a peppermint flavor because it's your favorite), hopping out of the coffee shop with glee, you're ready to be on route to work again.

Then someone obnoxiously honks their horn.

You show no regard to this, mostly because it makes no sense to. Someone who's driving a flashy neon yellow Porsche is already gaining all the unnecessary attention in the first place, and you're not really in the mood to be categorized within that population. 

But the beeping doesn't stop.

Oddly enough, it actually feels like the car is following you. Sweating profusely, you're debating whether or not to glance to see who the driver is. Just then, your phone dings.

jeon jungkook [6:57AM]: i've been trying to get you to turn around for the past 10 minutes, could you please stop walking faster? at this rate you're going to be a runner?

Instantaneously, you stop in the midst of your steps, sharply twisting on your heel to see the owner of the flamboyant vehicle. There he was, with the driver's side window rolled down, exposing those pearly white teeth of his, paired with a grin that stretched from ear to ear.

Typical.

"Jeon Jungkook, fancy meeting you here."

"Not really fancy if I had to check your location services to see where you've been. It's not fun being ignored, love." He has his arm rested on the opening, watching as you purse your lips and bounce on the tips of your toes. "Mm, wonder why that is."

"Don't be like that," He frowns, chin sitting on his arm. "Come, I'll drive you to work. Maybe we can talk along the way."

"I'm not really in the mood to talk to you at seven in the morning, Jeon."

"Please?" He begs, pools of brown that match the liquid in your cup and the sweetness it entails. Just his voice alone was warm, shooting into your chest and you're trying to convince yourself that it's the drink, not him. "Fine." You respond through your gritted teeth, rounding the hood of the car to enter the passenger seat.

Jungkook looks so happy he could burst.

On the ride to work, you don't talk. He speaks casually, sharing stories about his adventures, ones that you don't really want to hear about or was it that his current attire that's causing your mind to get fuzzy? Baby blue dress shirt with just a couple of the buttons let loose, tucked into those dark grey slacks that hug his thighs so well, that you needed to avert your eyes or else he'd see you checking him out.

He does in fact, to the point that he needs to hide the smirk that dangles on his lips, but he refrains himself because getting you to forgive him is a difficult task alone, and teasing you wouldn't get him anywhere. 

"Pull up here," You demand when he's driving by the perimeter of the building. "You don't need to drive into the yard. I don't need the teachers thinking I'm hanging out with someone driving a construction safety yellow car."

Jungkook is admittingly disappointed, hoping that he gets more time with you but he did choose a work day to meet you. "Can I see you after this?" He's suddenly bashful after approaching you confidently earlier, no semblance of high school Jungkook hinted in his personality anymore. "I don't know. Maybe. We'll see." With that, you slip out the car, greeting the parents that you pass by, sharing that beaming smile that he was wishing was for him instead. You're prettiest when you're working—the way you're talking to your students as they begin to line up to enter class, tapping their noses with your drink in hand, drowning in your oversized coat. You seem at your happiest, suddenly regretting his recent absence from your life.

Reminiscing back to the time of when you didn't know what you wanted to do with your life, where you wanted to go, and who you wanted to be were questions that were constantly thrown up in the air. He recalls those nights where he'd hear your whimpers through the wall between the bedroom and the living room, sitting at the coffee table in frustration while he prepped for bed. Life had been a crazy journey for the both of you, especially when he had gotten invited to pursue in other work opportunities. 

You're thankful when you leave work that day and don't spot the rubber duck colored car anywhere near the schoolyard, yet at the same time, slightly despondent that he didn't return. "You look down," Naeun points out, nose peeking from her scarf with her hands dug deep into the pockets of her jacket. "Expecting someone?"

"Kind of, not really," You confess, letting out a heavy sigh with water vapor in the air. "But not surprised anyways."

"Does it have anything to do with a cheddar cheese looking car?"

Choking on your saliva, you attempt to clear your throat at her recognition. "How'd... you know it had to do with a yellow car?"

She leans over, gesturing in the direction behind you with her chin. "Other than the fact that it's hard to miss a car that bright in the morning, you coming out of it is also attention grabbing. Plus, he's over there, parked in the corner with a swarm of little kids around him."

Flinching, you look in her direction, the sight of Jungkook seated on the hood of his ridiculous vehicle, uncomfortably bending over to reach the height of the flock of little children with their parents, signing autographs and exchanging words with them.

You can't tell if it's cute or making your blood boil.

When you walk over to him with Naeun by your side, he looks up with that annoying smile on his face again. "Jeon Jungkook." 

"See, Jaemin? She does know me." Jungkook teases, messing up the little boy's hair. Jaemin has a look on his face that screams nothing but elation, spilling with happiness that couldn't be fulfilled until he met his idol, Jungkook, the Olympian swimmer. "You were right! He is your best friend!"

"I said was, but you get the point." Jungkook jerks up, quickly shuffling to dip his head in the window opening of his car, pulling out a drink, handing it to you. "Would someone who was your friend get you your favorite drink?"

In a medium Starbucks cup, there's an iced cold brew with cold foam sitting on top—a drink that you had grown attached and addicted to in your first year of University, ordering it so frequently on the daily that you had to wean yourself off it. "Cold brew," You clarify, taking the drink gleefully. "I guess you remembered."

Naeun extends her hand at Jungkook, requesting a shake. "Oh my god, Jeon Jungkook, I'm a big fan. I heard that you were recently sponsored by Nike—crazy! She—" She's referring to you with a glare "—never mentioned that she was friends with a professional swimmer!"

"Didn't think it was important," You add, swirling before taking a sip of the liquid gold. "Knowing someone who swam for your country's Olympic team isn't usually brought up in an everyday conversation."

She rolls her eyes as Jungkook gifts her a warm handshake, hands deep into the pockets of his jeans. He's dressed for comfort, this afternoon as opposed to this morning, and you're curious of his schedule yet you don't ask. "Kids, time to go home, don't leave your parents waiting." You dismiss the children who whine in reaction. "But we want to talk to Jungkook!"

"I'll be back tomorrow!" He confirms, and they run away in excitement, earning a groan from you. "Tomorrow? You're actually expecting to be back tomorrow?"

"Why? You don't want to see me?"

"Jungkook, why are you even back?" You exasperate, fingers running through your tangled locks. Jungkook is starting to frustrate you and all you want to do is go home and snuggle under the covers while watching a movie while possibly grading some papers. "What's the point of all this?"

He pouts, an arm snaking around your waist to pull your frame close. "I literally came to see my girlfriend and all she does is push me away. Isn't that crazy, Naeun? The girl of my dreams agreed to date me then she pretends that I don't even exist."

Jaw dropped, Naeun can't even formulate a sentence with the new information. "I know what you're going to say next, 'why didn't you—'"

"Why didn't you tell me you had a boyfriend this entire time? Why didn't you even mention that it was Jungkook! You just faked the entire time that you weren't with someone while I was tricking you into going on dates—"

"You set her up with guys?" Jungkook's brows furrowed at Naeun before looking down at you. "You let her set you up with guys?"

"I didn't go to any of those dates she organized," You mention, bringing the drink to your lips again, truly the only thing that calms your nerves despite the chaos unfolding in front of you. "I vaguely said I wasn't interested."

"You could've just said that you had a boyfriend!"

"Well, you weren't around to prove it, so did it really matter?" Shrugging your shoulders, you escape from his grasp to drag the zipper of your jacket up higher. "Anyways, I'm out. Get home safe, Naeun, let me know how it goes with that mechanic guy tonight." Tugging up your sleeve for a better view of your watch, you nod. "My bus is coming soon—"

"—I'm literally standing right here and you're still going to take the bus?"

"I'm going to take this as my cue to leave..." Naeun chimes in, quickly waving goodbye. "I'll see you tomorrow then, Jungkook-ssi?" And he nods in return, watching as she walks away.

"I can't believe you would just waltz in here like you can do whatever you want." You hiss, nearly squeezing the cup in your hand but the cold brew inside is too valuable to let go to waste. "This is my workplace, not my house."

"I would go to your house if I knew where it was. You turned off your location yesterday."

"Maybe you shouldn't have outed yourself the first time, then you would've known." He moans, pushing his hair away from his face. The length has grown tremendously since the last time you saw him,  reaching his chin with the ends curling into the shapes of his eyes when he's gleaming with a grin. "Why are you making things so difficult for the both of us?"

"I'm not." You respond nonchalantly, blinking blankly at the man before you. 

Jungkook tugs on your arm. "Then let me take you home, to our home, really, since you decided that you wanted to move out without me here when the lease ended."

"I told you I didn't want to live where stalkers were standing outside my place."

"And I told you that you should call the bodyguard my company said they'd provide for you. Why didn't you call? Why didn't you tell me?"

Truthfully, you didn't want to go through the complications of the process of getting someone to consistently watch over you on a daily basis—it was easier to just up and leave, find somewhere else to reside instead of getting attacked by his fans. "It was too complex," allowing him to pull you in between his open legs as he rests on the hood of his car. "Plus, why would I want to ask help from a guy who wouldn't even come home for our anniversary? Easier to leave instead of being disappointed all the time."

The edges of his mouth drops. "Don't say it like that. I had to work, or else I would've taken the first flight back home. All the opportunities just so happen to be in the States."

"Go live there then, you don't need to come back. It's convenient for you to find a place there anyway."

"I'm not leaving you, idiot." He counters back, irritated that you're even making such suggestions. "I told you this every single time we meet again, every phone-call, every facetime. I won't move unless it's with you." The look in his eyes is hypnotizing mixed along with his words, swaying you into his direction unless you shake your head from the thoughts, stepping back. "Fine. Drive me home, whatever. Your stuff is still there anyways. I guess you still somewhat live with me."

Jungkook takes this as a victory.

In all honesty, he loves the idea of a domestic relationship. Jungkook loves having to wake up in the morning with you sleeping on the other side of the bed, corners of your eyes filled with dry boogers that'll probably hurt when you decide to get up, and brushing your teeth together, side by side, shoving each other just to be able to spit in the tiny little sink in the apartment. He argues that he could help pay for a better place, but you reject him regardless, wanting to stay in a more affordable place, one where you can go halfsies on.

He misses watching you hover over the stove, obnoxiously monitoring whatever it is you're cooking for dinner, only for him to call you out and take over instead. Or when you're doing work on the floor with your papers and laptop sprawled across the coffee table, leaning back when your shoulders get tired, resting in between his legs with your back against the body of the couch. 

So on the route of driving you home, that’s all he can think about as you sit in silence. 

This was definitely not the plan. 

Parked in the garage of your apartment complex, the fluorescent lights don’t do a good job of piercing through the tinted windows of Jungkook’s car, which you’re super thankful for despite the obnoxious primary color he chooses. The steam fills the glass, hand pressed against the armrest on the door as you’re panting heavily, an uneven match with Jungkook’s. He has a grip on both your ass and hips, guiding as you’re grinding yourself on him, wishing to be closer than you already were.

How he has you out of your jeans is unknown. Your jackets have already been throat into the some-what backseat, your dress shirt unbuttoned with your breasts spilling from your nude bra, and his shirt is hiked up just enough to catch a glimpse of his abs. Swimming requires him to keep his body in shape and there’s no complaint from you on that.

Mouth opened, he let out a groan, feeling your tightness around his cock that made a drop of sweat fall from his forehead. “Fuck,” He curses, the sight of you in front of him clenches his heart. Jungkook thinks you’re so pretty under this light— even prettier than when he knew you in high school, it’s like the longer he knows you, the more infatuated he is. When you gyrate your hips aggressively, he suddenly can’t take it anymore, hands trailing up your spine, pushing you down against his chest before he digs his feet into the carpeted floors, hips piston up into you. 

The new angle has your stomach in knots, a soft gasp falling from your lips that only encourages him to go harder. “Can you come like this?” 

“Touch me,” You respond, and it comes out nearly as a whine but you’re too busy being fogged up by pleasure to even care. “Jeon, please,” Begging at this point, he slips himself between the two of you, thumb rubbing against the bud as your grip on his shoulders clasp firms, lips against the flesh of his neck. 

“You’re going to come now, aren’t you?” 

The way he says it hints an arrogant smirk, one you’re bothered with but you’re in the middle of something currently. It’s rhetorical, to him, because your pussy is convulsing around his dick that he’s almost reaching his limit yet he waits for you patiently. “I’m gonna—”

“Let go, baby,” He manages to say through a heave, your eyes tightly shut closed before you reach your orgasm; a melodic moan finally releasing into his ears that he’s been expecting all night, one that you’ve been holding back to showcase that you’re still mad at him. Jungkook couldn’t care— well, just right now, since he has his dick in you, thrusting away until he hits his own orgasm, ropes of cum coating your swollen pink walls.

You’ve grown limp against his body, nose snuggled into the crook of his neck, breathing heavy but slowed from previously. He misses having you like this, bare and close to him, skin feeling light from post-sex. “I love you,” He hums, pressing a gentle kiss on your shoulder. “Let’s get you cleaned up?”

Nodding, you barely have the strength to push yourself off his body, but he doesn’t let go of the grip he has around your mid-frame anyways, sliding the back of the seat up to straighten yourselves. Leaning over to the glove compartment, he snatches a couple tissues before slipping his limp dick out of you, wiping away your mixed come. 

When he eventually has the both of you dressed, you lead him into the building, in the elevator and up to the floor of your apartment, cheeks still tinted rosy from the act in the car. Jungkook doesn’t mind it though, he thinks it’s cute that you’re embarrassed.

If this is what it’s going to be like forever— the warmth that you give, despite the words that come from your mouth, the affection and care that you distribute just for him, and the newfound confidence you’ve discovered during college that you’re not afraid of showing him... he wants it. Forever.

“Mm, so you’re telling me that you still fucked him even though you said that you were mad at him?” 

Yura is adorable with her little baker’s hat on, working endlessly in the kitchen of her new bakery that she decided to open in Seoul after graduating culinary school. Luckily for you, it’s close enough to your apartment that you found yourself stopping by to visit frequently, stealing the goods that don’t make it out to the display fridge.

“... Possibly. I don’t know. I couldn’t help it— I didn’t get dicked down in forever. And no, don’t talk about using the dildo you gave me last year, I haven’t even touched the thing.”

“What? Nothing in comparison to Jungkook’s meaty, girthy—“

“Oh my god, please don’t continue that sentence,” You wince, palm against your forehead. “It was good, alright? I mean, sure, I finished myself off when I’m alone but yesterday, in the car—”

“You hoe— you didn’t only give your vagina to him, but you gave it to him in the car? You couldn’t even wait, could you? And what now, is he living back at the apartment?”

“I mean... he said he didn’t get a hotel because he wanted to sleep in his own bed again...”

Yura laughs, clapping her hands in amusement as the powder hits her face. “You’re so funny, you know that? Why do you keep playing this charade when you could just... let him back in?”

You sigh, plopping your body down onto the stool by the counters, elbows against the floured tops. Truthfully, caving into all the mistakes Jungkook made was something too common from you, wishing that he wasn’t good with his words and affectionate whenever he’s around you. He missed an anniversary, a 6th year anniversary, and from what you read on the forums online, it’s one of those years where relationships start to get bumpy.

“I just— I don’t want to be easy, you know? I let him get away with everything, and it’s not fair that he’s all the way in the States, doing whatever it is he’s doing, while I’m here, watching twenty to thirty little kids everyday. And I can’t tell him to stop what he’s doing because well— it’s his dream, Yura, who am I to stop him?”

“You don’t,” She responds sharply, glaring at you through her floured lashes. “You should’ve gotten on a plane to the States. It’s your anniversary, as in both you and Jungkook. It’s not his designated job to come here when it’s an anniversary to celebrate the both of you.”

There she goes again, even 6 years later after high school, Yura exhibits the realities of a situation, especially the ones that you’re in. 

“I guess...” You say faintly, slowly reaching your surrender. 

“No guessing. Please leave and go look for him. Tell him that you’re sorry, that you’re not going to be a big baby anymore. You’ve been with him for six years, and no matter how mad you get at him, he’s always coming back for more and attempting to make it up to you. Also, it’s 6:30AM... shouldn’t you already be on your way to work?”

“Oh, right, fuck, okay, thanks, Yura!” Jolting out of the bakery, you’re practically running to the school when you halt in your route at the sight of the familiar neon yellow car that’s parked on the school yard, yet again.

“I’m Jeon Jungkook, and I’m on South Korea’s Men’s Swim Team. I’m training for 800M Freestyle Swim again, and possibly, maybe, planning to retire soon.”

Retire? The word that slips from Jungkook’s mouth is unfamiliar, mostly because he had never discussed this with you before, causing you to furrow your brows in perplexity at him as he stands in front of the black chalkboard in your classroom full of children. 

“I actually lived next door to your lovely teacher here, and we grew up together. She even coached me early in my years since I didn’t have anyone with credentials to show me. We both used to stare at the computer, day and night, renting videos from the library, and spending most of our time together just so that we could improve on my skills...” As Jungkook babbles on to the students, Naeun nudges you in the stomach.

“What?” You hiss in a whisper. Softly, she responds, “You never told me any of this! I thought we were friends! You’ve been hiding from me that you’re dating an Olympian and that you guys knew each other since you were little? What else haven’t you told me?”

“Mm,” You hum, arms crossed over your chest. “I got recruited to shadow coaches back in the university Jungkook and I attended. I rejected their offer and went undecided before coming to terms that I’d teach.”

Naeun is taken aback by all this information, stumbling back to the edge of your desk to regain her balance. “You were recruited to coach? And you rejected that offer? Why the hell would you do that?”

“Because swimming is Jungkook’s dream, not mine.”

During college, evidently enough, you had been struggling endlessly trying to figure out what you wanted to do with yourself. There were moments where you considered taking a gap year— a break from it all, go somewhere maybe to finally understand yourself and what you want to do. Jungkook’s eyes when you mentioned it to him grew wary, sad that he couldn’t be there to help you but just stare at your helpless expression through the screen of his phone. 

One thing you knew for sure, you didn’t want Jungkook to pity you. (Although, he never did. He was just too in love and couldn’t see the girl of his dreams sad.)

So you pushed harder. Met with people, asked about their experiences, requested for a mentor, and just researched. It was exactly like the time Jungkook told you he wanted to swim, so you obsessively tried to find any information on it so that you could teach him and show him things he could do in the water.

You learned that if you wanted something bad enough, you grew a drive for it.

It might’ve been when Jungkook realized that you were great at coaching. When he tried to sway you into coaching people because you were great and motivating people to do better, to try harder, and all of this without overworking them to the point of turning into dust. Despite everything, you didn’t want to coach swimming— and soon learning, you didn’t want to coach any sport. But the closest thing to it was teaching.

And a teacher was what you became.

There was already enough experience in teaching someone, or in this case, tutoring, because Jungkook sucked at it back in grade school. He always needed help, and that’s where you swooped in. Arms filled with notebooks, backpack dragging you full with textbooks while you stood at Jungkook’s front porch, ready to confuse him with letters and numbers that he learned he didn’t even need now.

“Did you know he was thinking about retirement?” Naeun sneaks in again. You shake your head, watching your boyfriend answer questions from the crowd. “No, I didn’t. He’s never even mentioned that word to me, ever.”

Just as Jungkook finishes, you holler out for the class to settle down, pushing him aside as he bumps back into the wall with a grin on his face. “Ok, class, since it’s 5 minutes before recess, I’m just going to let you guys go off. It is a Friday, so enjoy yourselves!”

Jungkook joins in when you’re zipping up the jackets and tying the shoes of the kids; they’re all too excited for an extra five minutes of recess time, saying something along the lines of, “we should ask hyung to come more often, he makes her happy enough to give us five extra minutes!” and Jungkook stifles a laugh.

Standing against the brick masonry of the building, Jungkook accompanies you. “You’re going to ask me about the whole retirement thing, aren’t you?”

“Was. But you didn’t seem like you cared enough to bring it up to me.”

He sighs, adjusting the beanie on his head. “I didn’t decide until yesterday. I’m going to be in the next Olympics then I’m retiring. I’ve made enough money from the sponsorships and I’m sure I’ll be able to keep my affiliation with Nike ‘til past that.”

Glancing over at him before looking back at the children playing in the yard, you snuggle your nose deeper into your scarf. “Why’s that? Isn’t swimming your dream?”

“It is,” He says, voice genuine and filled with honesty. “I might do some things here and there, maybe train some kid with potential. I just... I don’t know how much longer I can do this thing between us. I’m never going to give up on swimming, and there’s so many opportunities out there for me to do that includes it. But this whole... training for the Olympics thing— I’ve done it already. It’s great, I’ll do another year of it. But by the time the second time I enter, we’ll be hitting that age where it’s time to settle down.”

“We don’t need to have a set time to settle down—“

“I know that we don’t but I’m tired of this whole long distance thing. You’ve been so supportive of my dreams, and I’ve accomplished them already. It’s time that I’m here, by your side, supporting yours.”

There’s silence between the two of you, despite the constant screaming and laughing that’s coming from the playground. 

“I’m sorry,” You blurt and he only looks at you with bewilderment on his face. “I should’ve came to visit you on our anniversary instead of expecting you to come here. It was selfish of me.”

Jungkook laughs, beaming brightly with the sweetest smile upon his lips. “You used to be so timid and shy back in high school. You’ve developed into this woman who’s confident and fierce, sometimes scaring me because I never thought you could ever be like this.”

“Does it make you like me any less?”

“No,” He turns to you, tightening the scarf around your neck in prevention of slipping. “But... it makes me love you more. You’re also admitting things and apologizing. Very huge character development if you asked me. Say, how about we go home tonight and celebrate our anniversary, to make up for the one we miscommunicated about?”

“I’d... like that, very much.” You respond, chewing on your bottom lip bashfully. 

“Now,” He begins, pinching your frozen cheeks gently. “I told you I love you about... a million times since I came back. I’m still waiting for you to say it too.”

He’s still somewhat the same Jungkook from back then, hidden underneath the blanket of adulthood and experiences through college but nonetheless, just as much as he changed, you’ve loved him through every stage he’s gone through. He felt the same. “Love you too, Jeon.” And there it was, the smile that tugs on the edges of your lips that he’s been waiting for, dedicated just for him.

[danganronpa-oneshots-headcannons]

If requests are open, I would like to request Fuyuhiko with a s/o who is a bit of a daydreamer, and is targeted during the killing game, you can decide whether they get killed or manage to get away from their killer. Of course, if you don't want to write it, or if it's too specific that's fine.

☁︎︎~Of course lovely! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write this! Now that the holidays are over expect more! Happy New Years and much love 💕//

☁︎︎~Fuyuhiko with a targeted reader!

☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~

You were always in the clouds. Never really caring about what happened around you or others. Hell, when you magically ended up on an island, you didn’t care then either.

You just didn’t.

You were one to dream big time. Head always in the clouds, never wanting to come down. The total opposite of the infamous yakuza himself Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu.

He was mean, bold, confident about his use of power. No one messed with him nor his family. You might as well been laying in a deathbed.

After Peko’s execution, Fuyuhiko broke. He was alone. The only person he truly cared about was gone. That was that.

You constantly bugged Fuyuhiko before the trial. Always asking him questions about his talent, sharing your ideas about his profession, little things to drive him up the wall.

Just like everyone had expected, it worked. He started avoiding you and if you asked why he was avoiding you, he’d always say, “Your fuckin annoying that’s why! I don’t even know you! What gives you the right to ask private questions I don’t have to answer to, dumbass!”

Something along those lines anyways.

He was never going to like you.. never going to corporate with you.. and never going to get along with you. At least, that’s what he told himself.

Until he was sent to the hospital.

When everyone arrived to check on Fuyuhiko, he couldn’t even look you in the eye. Guilt filled his own as he tried his best to focus on Hajime and Chiaki.

When everyone left, you stayed behind with Mikan, sitting down on a nearby chair. You sat there in silence for at least twenty minutes until he turned back around and mumbled a, “What?”

Your head was back in the clouds, thinking of scenarios, what you had to eat, and even the time you fell down the stairs. What got you out of your daze is when he clapped his hands together to get your attention.

“Dumbass! I’m talking to you!” He shouted, rolling his eyes and looking away when your hues met his.

“Huh?..”

He sighed, “Just.. just leave.”

Again you fell silent.

“DUMBASS!”

“Mm.. it’s hard to get rid of me.”

This became a schedule until he got out of the hospital. You’d arrive with his breakfast, talk about stuff, go back and bring him dinner, wait until night, and head back to your dorm.

Secretly, Fuyuhiko loved the company... yet hated it. He was getting attached.

When he was out of the hospital, he stuck by you the most. Your the only one who really trusted him after the second trial.

At his recovery party, you were the only one jamming out to Ibuki’s... frightful music along with Sonia. No one knew but he’s the only one who smiled when you started singing to Ibuki’s song.

He vowed to protect you under his family name.

All fun must come to an end however when Nekomaru was shot and the next motive came out.

Fortunately, you were one of the luckier students and had dodged the despair disease unlike your fellow friends Ibuki, Akane, and Nagito.

During the small amount of time with quarantine, you didn’t see Fuyuhiko too much. He was helping Hajime out at the hospital, only ever talking to you if it was from the monitor. Even then your conversations were always cut short.

Forth night of the pandemic, you heard a quiet knock on your door. Although Fuyuhiko had told you not to answer the door during the night, no expectations, his words flew past your head and you reached for the door handle.

Opening the door stood Mikan shaking with fear, “A-Ah! Y-N! S-Something happened a-at the m-music venue!”

“Don’t listen to what anyone says.”

You raised a brow and cocked your head, “Really?”

“I don’t care how innocent they sound.”

“Y-Yes! I-It’s Ibuki! S-She’s hurt!” Mikan repsonded, tears flooding her eyes.

“Are you even listening?! I fuckin mean it Y/N! I’ve already lost Peko... I can’t lose you... too.”

You nodded and grabbed your bag, “Alright. I’ll come help you out!”

“Yeah, yeah I know Fuyu don’t worry.”

Ah yes. Just what Mikan wanted. To lure you out. Because of your lack of alertness of course you’d fall for her trap.

“Promise me? Please Y/N”

Too easy. She thought. Too easy. 

“I promise Fuyu. I promise.”

“LET ME IN THERE!” Fuyuhiko screamed, trying to break past Kazuichi and Akane.

“D-Dude! I really don’t think that’s... uh.. a good idea!” Kazuichi bit back, a single drop of sweat running down his forehead.

Anger flew through the yakuza’s veins as he finally pushed through the wall, nearly being choked by Akane who had him by the collar of his suit.

With instant regret, Fuyuhiko wished he stayed outside.

Your lifeless body faced the curtain while above you hung Ibuki. Mikan had staged it as a murder suicide.

Everyone watched with horror and question as Fuyuhiko dropped to his knees with guilt. How many times did he tell you to lock your door and not open it? How many times did he remind you to not follow anyone even if it was some close to you on this damn island?

Was it not enough?

During the time of investigation, Fuyuhiko sat outside the music venue. Sure he was filled with rage and anger but.. he couldn’t bring himself to look at your dead body.

He was going to catch the killer regardless. There was no way in hell you could’ve killed Ibuki. No. Certainly not.

All he knew was that after the trial, he’d forever avoid everyone in fear he’d get attached once again.

☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~☁︎︎~☁︎~

[bucky-iss-bae]

The Best Assassin (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

A/N - You guys, two one shots, in two days. This is as good as it gets really. JOKE. I wanna do morreee. 

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Fandom: Marvel (MCU)

Prompts/Summary: Its Movie night in the Avengers compound. 

Warnings: Spoilers for John Wick Kinda fluffy, just idiots being idiots. 

Word Count: 1300

Masterlist

Walking through the compound with your blanket and pillows meant one thing. Movie nights. Every now and then, the team and their close ones got together, and you were fortunately apart of their close ones since you and Bucky started to date.

It was always fun as you grew up as Sam’s best friend, and then got replaced by Steve and Bucky, to then steal bucky. That’s a joke, well its not, Sam set you and Bucky up, it was great, you and Bucky could tease Sam. And bullying Sam was the best.

“You know, your ass looks amazing in those shorts. Maybe we should skip out on movie night and just go have some fun” Bucky commented from behind you,

Turned your head towards him, he was stood with a cheeky smile on his face, “Ain’t nothing wrong with that sweetheart” He said slapping your ass as he walked past,

You glared at him, and then his peach, running past him and slapping his ass in the process causing him to yelp out and you to giggle as you ran towards the common area.

“Why you…” he grumbled, seconds later you were wrapped up in one of his arms, as he then threw you down on the couch that the two of you would be sharing as he tickled you,

“Oh c’mon guys” Sam said pushing you apart and sitting between the two of you, “Nope, nuh uh, no funny business. We got John Wick on tonight. Keanu Reeves in one of his finest”

“Who the fuck is Keanu Reeves?” Bucky asked sighing and sitting on the other side of Sam, although he was sending daggers into his head as he sat between you both.  

“The Matrix” Nat said as she sat down getting comfortable, if anyone saw the way the avengers were sat around right now, no one would believe they were earths greatest defence.

“Ohh, that guy. Okay… okay.”

“You still have no clue, do ya Buck?” Steve asked with raised eyebrows,

“Not gonna lie bud, it all still goes over my head”

“Find that hard to believe when Y/N is constantly making pop culture references. Honestly her and Peter, the bane of my life. Its hell. I seem old compared to her, and we’re the same age” Sam said, you and Peter shared a look, he became your little brother.  

“Yeah but… you gotta get with the times man. Get TikTok, maybe follow a few meme pages on Instagram. You’ll catch up in no time”

“Which leads me to say, I ain’t ever seen two pretty best friends, always one of them gonna be ugly” Peter said looking between you and Sam,

“It ain’t me. What the fuck does that even mean? Who’s ugly? Are you on about me and Buck, Bucky and Steve, Me and Y/N?” Sam asked while everyone was settling in,

You just laughed after hearing that on TikTok all day today, you were pretty sure Bucky had also heard it.

“I’m the pretty one” you yelled, “I dibs it. Now move” you said to Sam,

“Yo, I definitely ain’t moving now.”

“It’s just something on TikTok. Don’t worry” Peter said to Sam, “Now I heard the iconic Keanue reeves is on tonight”

“What is this John Wick even about” Bucky grumbled,

“No one spoil it. It’s sad, it’ll make you cry” You told him,

“Hey, no, I thought it was an action film” He said,

“It is… Wait what if it triggers him?” Bruce asked,

“It’s also about assassins. Will it trigger you?”

“Probably if Sam’s sat next to me” Bucky said causing a few to laugh,

“Okay, fine. I’m moving, I don’t want to be on his winter solider side for the hundredth time. Y/N, come on, lets switch”

You grinned at that getting up and switching with Sam, Bucky held his arm out for you to cuddle into, his chest your own personal pillow,

“Ya’ll make me sick” he grumbled, “Fucking sat there reminding my ass of how single I am” Sam grumbled watching the two of you,

You stuck your tongue out at him and he just shook his head,  

“Also Morgan wants a child friendly film next time. She’s excited to have a sleepover, sad that she’s not here” Tony said causing Clint to laugh, “Oh, yeah. My kids are the same, they’ll all probably make a plan tonight to worm their way into us watching Moana or Brave or some Disney film”

“Yo, I am down. Let them join us, we’ll have a Disney movie marathon, and I’ll find all the films I can cry at” You said knowing that you’ve tried to put Disney films out there, and if it means the kids join, you won’t complain.

Soon enough someone put the film on and you all sat around watching it, a lot of bickering amongst someone stealing all the popcorn, a lot of tears at the dog scene, it was horrible. It nearly made you cry, although Steve pointed out how he recognised the guy from Game of Thrones. You were impressed, he’s getting there.

After that silence took over, the film being action packed, and revenge driven. You figured, if anyone ever hurt your dog, you would 100% get someone to train you to do exactly what John Wick does.

“Yo, Y/N” Sam said calling you during the film, “If you had to choose, who’s your favourite assassin”

Your lips began to move before you could stop yourself, “John Wick, no cap”

You felt eyes on you as soon as you said that, realising you were currently using the best assassin of his time as a pillow, your jaw dropped at your own answer, wanting to laugh but figured, it may not be wise.

“The fact that you added no cap at the end of it” Peter said fake flinching at it,

“In my defence,”

“Go on sweetheart, in your defence. At this rate you’ll be spending the night on this couch”  

A few oohhs erupted around the room making you want to laugh more, “In my defence, I fancied Keanu Reeves when he was in Speed. And no, listen, I forgot okay.”

“You forgot what my profession is? And then continue to talk about how you fancied the man in another film” he asked, you turned your head up looking at him, he tried to look hurt but you knew your man, he had mischief in his eyes,

Someone had paused the film to laugh at the interaction between the two of you, “Got a lot of making up to do huh Y/N” Wanda joked wiggling her eyebrows,

“Although, I do see the similarities between John Wick, and James Barnes, I mean the long hair for starters”

“The Russian assassin part. Although I’m sure the guy had his own red room” Nat said,

“And I’m sure they both have a hair care routine” Peter said pretending to film his own hair,

“Ohh, let’s not forget the killing part” Sam added,

“You think Bucky could do what he does in the second one?” Natasha asked Sam,

“Let’s give him a pencil and send him into a bar”

“I would start sticking up for Bucky saying he defo can, but like it’ll seem like I’m just trying to get on his good side. So let’s just you know, watch the film. And all agree that we all love john wick”

“You don’t make this better for yourself huh?” Sam asked causing you to kick his thigh but giggle at the same time, as someone played the film you looked up to see Bucky staring at you adoringly, you don’t know why, but clearly, he didn’t hate you for the comment. Maybe it was because you see him more as an assassin, and that’s what he always fears, people only see him for that.

“I love you” He whispered only for you to hear,

“I love you too baby” You said before kissing his cheek and laying back down, he wrapped his arm around you tighter as the two of you laid there watching the film.

AN - I wrote this in one sitting because a few days ago I was watching John Wick and mentioned how he’s one of my fave assassins and my sister was like bro Bucky is literally an assassin and I was like damnnn I really be do having a type. 

[kewltie]

high-end escort!izuku au: where rising top hero ground zero seriously need a date to a super important mandatory gala and his idiotic friends bet that he can’t wrangle a date. while katsuki knows bullshit when he sees one he can’t help wanting to rise to it bc his agency is getting super annoyed that he keep bailing out of this function and to shut his so called friends so now he is stuck to find a date in 2 days. katsuki is GOOD but he’s not that good so he resorts to the discreet world of escort service and picked the most famous agency and asked for their number one. what he got was his former childhood friend who had spurned and hurt all grown up now and about to fucking rock his world. 

izuku 100000% never actually wanted or intended to be an escort. the sludge villain never happened so he’d never met all might and therefore never received OFA so he never got a chance to go to U.A and become the greatest hero that he is meant to be :((((. with his dream thwart izuku focuses on his study and kind of move listly through life with no goal bc if he can’t even become a hero what’s even the point. eventually during college days money became super tight and izuku doesn’t want to rely on his mother and make her carried the burden of it. so he started to pick up multiple jobs on the side along with his studies... and it get harder and harder to remain his grades so his education suffer and he’s kind of stuck bc if he give up on his job he has to worry about the cost of living and school but if he focus on just earning money then his of education suffer :((, the vicious circle of a poor college student. 

so on one of his more uh colorful jobs where he works as a server at a hostess club down in the night district of downtown and that’s where he meet all these women and learned all their tricks and trade just from watching them every night. there he sees how they convinced their clients to give up more and more money to the store and stay longer and it surprisingly isn’t them seducing their clients but knowing what to say and how to say in a way that appeal to their clients ego and personality. izuku may not be into it or understand it completely but he watches and learns bc though these women may not be working at a place that society deem as deplorble but they make do with what they have and they use it to the best of their ability and that izuku can understand and he admires them for it. 

one night while he’s working, there’s a v drunk customer who had mistaken izuku for one of the girls and izuku got severely hit on and groped but instead of punching the man izuku calmly removed the man’s hands from his ass and waist and says with a smile, “sir, i’m not a cheap thing that you can touch that easily. if you want me to service you why don’t you buy yourself and your group a drink?” and that’s how izuku got the man to shell out more money to store and so drunk that he can barely stand and totally forgot about izuku. he diffused the situation w/o making a huge deal out of it and that’s what bc he’d pay attention to his surrounding and adapt to the situation so it doesn’t escalate. 

during the entire scene, there’s this lady who has been sitting on the side (ladies customers are rare but not like deterred) but is there to scout host/hostess clubs around the area for her own escort agency and she saw how izuku managed to deal w/ the customer with just a few words and a smile and she wants him to work for her. she approachs him after work and offers him a deal and compensation plan that looks too good to be true if he come work for her and use what he learned in that club for her clients. izuku ofc doesn’t right away accept it bc it’s kinda suspicious but she told him to look her up and give her a chance. he ends up doing it and that’s how izuku fall into the escort profession. 

turns out not only did the skills he’d picked up at hotess club was extremely helpful to him in his new job but natural analyze skill with his clients is the core of his job bc then he learn swhat they like and become whatever they want. he is able to read the mood & body language of his clients and knows what to say and how to say it so they response positively toward him. 

like for example one of his regular clients is a hieress to a mass fortune and she’s beautiful and smart and highly skill in corporate trade so it’s a double edge sword bc she’s so talented and beautiful that men finds her intimidating and get scared of her. so she look for in izuku is a lover/friend who can she can lean on: letting her rant about her job & frustration, offer her emotional comfort, cuddles with her from time to time, and treat her like every other girl, like she MATTERS and izuku delivers it in spade. he would bring her her fav food & flowers whenever he meet her, they have sleepover where he would paint her nails as she vent to him about her job and the ppl she work with, and he takes on date where they go to hole in the wall small family run resturants that she’d never went and nobody else even consider she would go bc well she’s an ELITE so ofc she wouldn’t be caught dead there but SHE LOVES IT. like these things he do to consider his client personality and their life choices is v v v important to his job bc he’s constantly adapting and changing to meet their needs.

what work for one doesn’t always work for other bc he also have an older male client who is divorced and lonely bc all his kids are grown up now so he’s looking for a companion, someone that make him feel needed and useful. so izuku acts spoiled and demanding, wanting the man to buy him stuff that he doesn’t actually need and requesting to meet him when the man is supposed to be in a meeting or throw a tantrum when the man cancelled a plan and it’s seem dumb and innocous but the client ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT bc it’s exactly what he wants to have someone rely on him and make him feel importat like they need him for his money and position even though it’s shallow but he wants that and izuku is there to give it to him. so maybe at first izuku felt super guilty that he’s lying or faking it for the money but the more he’s in this job he realize it’s just playing the part of their boyfriend, lover, friend, etc he’s selling an idea and the idealized version of what they want so he’s doing it for them as much as it is for himself... or so he thinks. 

but first and foremost izuku ISN’T PAID TO have sex with his client. he’s paid to be their perfect fantasy boyfriend/lover etc but if he does have sex with client it’s bc he genuine likes them and wants it for himself. but ofc ppl will misconstrued his job as soon as he say escort and think prostitution instead and though that may be true in other cases where the business can get sleazy and $ in exchanged for sex but not izuku and his agency. over the years of working at this job izuku climbs all the way to number one and is highly requested bc he’s so terrifyingly good at his job and is able to become the perfect bf/companion/lover you need just by understand and breaking down his client char, personality, and desires. 

so this is where katsuki comes in years later when izuku is already firmly established in the business and is damn ass good at his job. their relationship splintered during middle school years and they’d never recover and so they lost contact. during the time izuku was in college and working, katsuki was climbing the rookie heroes and he grown out of his own shitty behaviors thanks to his friends and U.A. curbstomming out the toxicity of his attitude and he realized he fucked up with izuku but even though he has grown up and grown better for it he has never got a chance to redeem himself in front of izuku. so when he’d managed to break into the top 10 pro heroes and there’s this important gala he has to go he found himself face to face with izuku the boy who he had hurt and torment and he’s a fucking escort now? WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. 

katsuki doesn’t know what he should say to izuku, probably apologized he thinks but what came out is “what the fuck are you supposed to be?” and izuku blinks and then he smiles, slow and sure. “you’re date, kacchan,” izuku says and katsuki feels like his heart is knocked out of his chest bc that’s a name he hasn’t heard in years and just like that it’s like they are back to their childhood youth again except izuku stands before him not as that awkward nerdy useless kid but a man confident in himself and his place in the world and he’s fucking beautiful and katsuki IS WRECKED. 

look heroes don’t really hire escort (i mean some of them may do it but it’s all hush hush) so izuku doesn’t have a lot of interaction with the pros. he’s just as surprised as katsuki but he’s a professional so he doesn’t show it and though always with clients they have to filled out the form of what they’re looking for in their escort and information about themselves katsuki left his form blank on both his request and himself  (bc he’s like i want the best you got bc i won’t bring anyone lesser) so izuku literary went in not knowing who he is supposed to be so he can of adapt into this cool & charming default persona but as soon as he saw it’s katsuki it BLEW OUT OF THE WATER. he is so used to be other ppl for his client that now he found himself caught out and strange that he can’t put back his mask on in front of katsuki bc katsuki is a reminder of all his past, his heartbreak, his crushed dream, and the boy he’d admired and inspired him. it was a rude wake up call for izuku but he tries to recover and fixed the mask back on but ofc nothing goes as plan. 

when they went to the party together katsuki has to watch izuku plays the charming date and become an actual life of the party.  a lot of people flit around katsuki bc he’s the kid that broke into top 10 but katsuki is bristling w/ contempt bc he hates all this hanger ons and fakers pretending to be interest in him just bc he’s known now but izuku is there to distract them and get them off katsuki back. for the civilian izuku just say the right thing at the right time like how he does with his previous clients but when the pro heroes come over to congratulate and talk to katsuki. izuku is able to recite all their achievement, compliment on their latest heroic jobs, and ask them questions about their powers and it’s just really wholesome and sweet and EGOBOOSTING for the pros. and then when the heroes leave izuku and katsuki alone, izuku’s mask immediately dropped and is like “OMFG kacchan that was X and Y, they’re so much more amazing in real life i can’t believe i met them” he went back to fanboy mode and is gushing hopelessly about it and katsuki inwardly smile bc that’s his izuku right there, that’s something he can recognized and cling to. 

katsuki’s friends eventually come over to bother him and him about his date and katsuki doesn’t know where to start bc how does he explain izuku the boy whose ghost had haunted him since middle school and how he had changed as much for himself but also for a chance to meet izuku one day and be the hero that earned izuku’s admiration and regard. izuku is the one that took care of it and just said they’re old childhood friends and doesn’t bring any of their intense violate history up. he easily assimilate into katsuki’s group and katsuki’s friend keep making questioning eyes gesture like they can’t believe someone as good and perfect as izuku is dating katsuki LOL but it’s all just a mask that izuku play to this best ability. only when he’s alone with katsuki that izuku feels like himself and tells hims how katsuki’s friends are eclectic and hilarious and he’s very happy that katsuki finds a group of ppl that support and loves him truly and that alone more than the perfect date MORE THAN PERFECTY WOOING KATSUKI’S COWORKERS AND FRIENDS it’s that ultimately slayed katsuki bc despite everything izuku still wishes the best for katsuki. 

by the end of the night, katsuki demands to take izuku home and when izuku got out of the car katsuki grabs his hand for a moment. “i should have said this sooner but i’m sorry for everything. you didnt deserve what i did and say to you. i was mean and terrible to you as child but i hope, i hope that you can see  that i have changed,” he tells izuku and though he’s not even looking izuku and his words are even and practiced but the sweat of his hand holding izuku’s and the slight tremble that carried through is all izuku needed. izuku nods his head and said, “i know,” with the truest smile that he doesn’t even give his client. 

After that event, izuku assumes that once katsuki made his apology that he has been waiting years to do they’re done then. he won’t see katsuki again but STRANGELY his boss tell him he got another request to go to an even with katsuki. 

on katsuki’s side his agent is kinda giving him a weird look bc why does katsuki of all people want to go to all these black tie events that he has been avoiding like the plague but it’s all just an excuse so he can request izuku again and again lol. even though katsuki finally release all his pent up guilt and frustration with himself over izuku and thought that his past with izuku can be put to the rest... now he wants to see what kind of future he can have with izuku. he started off as mostly curiosity and the chance to see how his childhood friends is doing and why is HE ESCORTING so he keep asking for izuku and the more they spend time together the more he realize how little izuku had changed. he’s still pretty awkward and clumsy and such a nerd when it come heroes once he stopped pretending to be someone other than himself. bc katsuki doesn’t WANT SOME PERFECT BOYFRIEND OR DATE he wants izuku and only izuku. he doesn’t response well when izuku put on that perfect boyfriend mask of his so izuku just dropped his mask more and more with katsuki until he realizes his mask had been long gone. they’re the only two people who knows each other past so intricately and who despite the years having been past and how they all grown up now, their childhood memories still clings to them and that’s hard to erase despite their complicated history with each other. it add layers to their relationship and though their future doesn’t have to include each other they want IT TO BE bc these two are hopelessly drawn to each other by their share past and youthful dreams and wishes.  

so they hang out more and more, getting to know each part of each other, and they even go on more casual dates until izuku is going over to katsuki’s house now. izuku even talk about his former dream of being a hero that had never bore any fruit and how that had haunted him for years. he had thought he put it all behind him but close to katsuki and his pro heroes friends open his old wound again. katsuki doesnt mock or make fun of him about it and even seriously takes in consideration that izuku doesnt have to be a hero to save and that's theres many part of the hero sector he can do like management, support, and analyses which izuku had never consider bc he was so intensely focus on being like katsuki and all might. eventually and surprisingly katsuki is the one to make the first move and asked if it’s okay to kiss izuku and izuku dazedly nods bc it seems like he has been waiting for this moment his whole life. maybe he didn’t love katsuki this way when they were little but he did admire as someone who inspired him but this katsuki all grown up is someone he knows he can safely give his heart to. so they start to date ish but they never talk about their relationship status bc they are both afraid this fragile relationship of theirs may break and ofc THEY NEVER talk about izuku’s job until that happen. 

izuku got a job to go to this event with some pro hero and katsuki wasn’t even supposed to be there but a coworker cancelled so katsuki had to replaced him and there he sees izuku clinging to SOME GUY. izuku is wearing one of his mask and is acting completely DIFFERENT like he’s another person in front of katsuki. it suddenly hit him right there what izuku’s job actually entails and he’s ENRAGE SO MAD BC HE THOUGHT MAYBE MAYBE THIS MEAN ALL THESE TENDER MOMENTS HE HAD WITH IZUKU WAS IZUKU PRETENDING TO BE WHAT KATSUKI NEEDED ALL ALONG. WHAT IF HE’S FAKING IT. WHAT IF HIS FORGIVENSS WAS A LIE AND HE’S PLAYING A TRICK ON KATSUKI :(((((((((((((. 

he confronted izuku later that night when izuku got off work and bc katsuki is dumb and in love he said the exact wrong thing and hurt the person he’d never want to hurt again. “do you sell your body as much as your affection too huh, deku?” he sneers. 

izuku punches katsuki in the face and cries and katsuki is so stunned by it that he doesnt know how to react bc seeing izuku crying undo him completley, it reminds him of their childhood and how he had made izuku cry so many times and now he’s doing it again. “don’t ever contact me again, kacchan,” izuku tells him through a waterfall of tears, leaving katsuki completely numbed. 

from that night onward izuku goes back to his job sealing his heart and going through the motion. while kastuki felt like he had ripped a hole in chest and doesn’t know how to fix it. i think once katsuki realizes what a fucking mess he did through a lot of his friends helping through it that he will eventually confront izuku again and begged him for his forgiveness in the most dramatic way possible LMAO. 

izuku is with one of his regular client again and they’re at a big social event he knows katsuki is unlikely to be there but katsuki IS THERE and he’s storming through the crowd and grabs Izuku, dragging him away from his client and crowd. he takes izuku to back garden and there izuku had enough and about to push him away and go back but kastuki get on his knees and said, “look i know i can be a fucking dumbass around you and i realized i fucked up royally but this is me at my lowest and im on knees for you and only you. only you get to see me looking this pathetic and that drives me insane but i want you so please gimme me another chance to prove that i deserve you,” katsuki confesses and it’s the most rawest emotinal confession that he can delivered and izuku is crying again but this time he’s so happy that he launched himself at kastuki lol. 

they do work it out and get better and communicate more now!!! and they’re so much fucking happier than before. i think eventually izuku does quit his escorting service bc it isn’t viable in the long run and he knows that while katsuki isn’t exactly happy with izuku’s job he has long accept it and have 10000% trust in izuku. izuku eventually finds a job in the hero sector bc that’s all he wanted to do and he get to do and katsuki supports him 100000% all the way AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. 

[12-99-30]

forgiveness: the topic no one asked for

I started writing on the topic of forgiveness in January, thinking I had some grasp on the idea of releasing a grudge against someone who has wronged you. Forgiveness is something we are expected to do daily. I am constantly forgiving my dad for his impatience, my siblings for their lack of sensitivity, and even myself for my own naivety. I’ve been put in situations where I received unmerited forgiveness, and situations where I extended it to others - It was a topic I felt ready to write about it. 

Within a few weeks, the concept of forgiveness radically changed. Yes, Jesus calls us to forgive our transgressors, but how do we forgive those who have never apologized? How do we forgive when the damage cuts so deep that even when the bleeding stops, you’ll always see the parts that you left hurting? How do I let go of the anger against people who did not care? 

I never understood why people didn’t like talking about forgiveness in church, but I empathize now. I understand the struggle of forgiving, even when it is undeserving, unmerited, and unjust. 

-- -- 

One thing everyone who has wrestled with forgiveness will say is:

Forgiveness is not a feeling, but it is a choice. 

J-- reminds me, 

“If you wait for the right moment to feel sympathetic to the offender, you will wait for an eternity and more for the feeling to come… Forgiveness must never be contingent upon the other person's ability to own up to their mistakes and apologize.” 

“The world will tell you that it keeps you on the higher ground and you're "winning" when you're able to hold the grudge or that if you forgive them, you "lose" out by conceding and surrendering. The Gospel states that to live is Christ and to die is gain, that to follow Christ, we must surrender and die to ourselves - including every "right" that we have to lord over others the feelings of contempt and disdain.”

The world was telling me that they didn’t deserve my forgiveness. They took so much away from me, the last thing I wanted to give them was my peace. It was my way of seeking justice, holding onto the last bit of the “fight” that I had. If I let this go, no one will see the pain they caused. No one will understand what they did was wrong. They’ll think I have given up. They’ll think what they’re doing is okay. They’ll get away with it.

I now realize that was unbelief talking, cause God sees. God sees them. God sees me. Wrapped in His grace, God gave me the power to pray to seek out forgiveness. It was an unrushed, gentle invitation to forgive, but one that was relentless. I’m constantly reminded that though they didn’t deserve my forgiveness, I didn’t deserve an ounce of the forgiveness for what I’ve done that Jesus paid for.  

Matthew 6:14-15

14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

A hard but necessary verse to meditate on. Forgiveness is necessary in maintaining my intimacy with God, removing any roadblocks that prevents us from fellowship with Him and others. I’m called to become more like Jesus, and Jesus accurately and wholeheartedly embodied forgiveness. We are called to be compassionate, and to forgive others. To not let bitterness defile us because Christ has forgiven us. He has loved us first. (Ephesians 4:29-32). 

In the process of learning what forgiveness is, I’ve learned that Forgiveness is NOT:

Forgetting: God calls us to remember. We are creatures of remembrance. It’s one of our traits that differentiates us between animals from humans. 

A Feeling: It’s not condoning or overcoming the hurt (though with time, that will happen), but it’s about not letting our emotions dictate our circumstances

We have access to the feelings and knowledge of God. It’s aligning our steps with the spirit and praying for self control. To not dwell and fixate on the hurt

Does not mean something is not a sin: Forgiveness is a place where we invite Jesus to come in and reframe the narrative. To heal and help us move forward

Does not mean we allow toxic people in: Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely different things. Reconciliation only comes when the other person is willing to fully admit to their mistakes and apologize for their wrongdoings. It’s not a must

It’s not a one time event: A recycled action that you are constantly doing over and over again. 

There will be times when we question if we really forgave them. Where we want to take it back and hold onto unforgiveness. Make a public profession. Allow for accountability to remind you what Jesus has done for you and that you have forgiven them. It will get easier with time. 

Through scripture, I learned that Forgiveness IS: 

“The personal act of releasing the one who has sinned against me from my personal right to collect on the moral debt, but to PAY him/her back on their moral offense.“

God reminds us to never avenge ourselves (Romans 12). We convince ourselves that if we forgive, this will all be forgotten. But when we lay it down, God picks it up and He doesn’t forget. It doesn’t get lost. He uses it and redeems the hurt. 

By forgiving: 

We return to God the right to take care of justice: we must let go of our desire for revenge for something they’ve done. 

It’s an act of trust and faith. Knowing God is better at handling justice in a way we never could.  

We have freedom knowing we have a righteous defender. A Father defending their beloved daughter and son. I give Him the power to work on my half for me.

By releasing my right to justice, I give Him more space to be bigger - to work creatively for my greater Good. 

We will determine to do what is good rather than evil: In the midst of pain, you’ll see how sin is the common denominator. It is the equalizer between me and the transgressor. 

We like to see ourselves as “not that bad”, but in reality - we are that bad. In fact, we are worse. Yet, we continue to love ourselves despite our badliness, because we are “things called selves”. That is what God intended us to do. He loved us when we had nothing nice about ourselves. Are we not to do the same things to others? 

I’ve learned to hate the sin, not the sinner. We’ve all fallen victim to it, and when you see your own sin, you’ll be more inclined to grant them freedom.

We will see it for what it is: an unmerited gift

Granted from the heart, a tangible release. We are able to absorb the hurt given to us with God’s help and transform into something beautiful. 

With each dimension we go deeper into forgiveness, we uncover a layer that leads us to more freedom.  

God is calling us to forgive, not for the peace of the other party, but peace with God and therefore ourselves. After a certain point, you realize you are the only one left hurting and you must move forward. To move forward with God, means forgiving your debtor, forgiving yourself for being naive, forgiving life for being unfair, and forgiving God for feeling like He didn’t defend you the way you should’ve been. If we do not forgive, we are at risk of being defiled. It poisons us. Makes our hearts harder. It robs us of joy and freedom. We must transform this hurt into something beautiful with God’s help (Hebrews 12:15).  God absorbs that pain, takes the unhealthy plant away , and gives us back a fresh, new plant. We are getting back the life that was ours.

God has forgiven us with open arms, and once you come to to understand how much grace you need, God will give you the grace to forgive. It’s morally imperative to not die with bitterness, but with a heart of warmth and love. When my life ends, what will matter is how my character has grown and the relationships I cultivated in the process. How can I rewrite this narrative to make it a time I grew closer to God? When I lay this burden down before Him, so much love can grow. 

These people are saved Christians. They’re going to be with me in heaven forever. I know Jesus died on the same cross for their sins the way he did mine. I want to celebrate and rejoice in that. (Proverbs 24:17–18)

I give myself the grace to be angry, but I know behind the anger are feelings of hurt and injustice. But because Christ dwells in me, I won’t be stuck here in these emotions. 

“All of your sins - your entire sin history, far outweighs anything that this person has done to you. If Christ can forgive you for all the sins you've done, all the sins you're stuck in, and all the sins you will do in the future, He will also give you that same grace to forgive the other person.”

It is not by my own character I am able to forgive. There are still so many days where I’m left wondering why I have forgiven them in the first place. But because Christ dwells in my heart, it is where I can draw strength to give someone the chance to taste what Jesus has done for the world. 

J-- puts it best:

“Christ's last words on the cross, as He was being mutilated and crucified, was, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." In Christ's last breaths, He demonstrated to us an unearthly forgiveness. As He gave His last breath, He gives us that same ability to offer that forgiveness to others. Not because we're good or better than anyone else, but because we have tasted that grace, and the Gospel shows us that we are no more deserving of God's grace than anyone else."

Thank you to Bridgetown Podcasts, C.S. Lewis, John Piper, J-- C--, and the Bible (lol) for teaching me all of this. This whole post is a rip-off of everything they have said. Thank you for helping me understand the depths of my brokenness, my need for forgiveness, and why I should extend it to those around me. Freedom is starting to taste sweet. 

[sixmorningsafter]

15 Review

I didn’t know how to start this review. Then you posted your character trailer and I was struck by how much this fic has evolved from the original 2-minute trailer. It started out as a fluffy rom com type fic and now it is a story of depth, of feeling and of growth. Sure, your humour balances out the angst, but what blows me away is the affection all your readers have for your characters even if the canon version leaves them cold. There are still times when I want to smack them around the head for being dumb (quite a lot in this chapter!), but I am still rooting so hard for all 4 of them to get a HEA (actually 5 including Kai).

Ahhhhh, Janet, my sun and stars! Sorry for taking a bit to reply to this - I was trying to get 16 cranked out (lmao as you well know) and I was putting off delving back into my asks until I did. Now that the chapter’s up and kind of terrifyingly out there, I can finally get to answering this glorious, lovely review, and I’m going to start with getting real emotional over everything you said about the fic’s development. I think I’ve mentioned it a few times, but I’ve always been aiming for a kind of Breakfast Club effect with this story where it starts out with a bunch of surface-level stereotypes for characters, gets them stuck somewhere, and then uses that idle time to dig past the labels and see what makes them human. Obviously SMA has gone way off the rails and is way more shippy and tropey than TBC, lmao, but it makes me so happy to hear that you feel like it’s transcended the raunchy romcom premise. It’s been a gradual but deliberate effort on my end and it gives me hella feels to know it’s working.

Can I just say how much I love the fact you started and ended it with Stefan’s POV? That end scene where he can’t help but be a little bit Nicholas Sparks (Stefan “King of Cheese” Salvatore knows who he is, but not Sia ha ha) and Caroline surprises him with the hot chocolate – aww. I also adored Ms Cuddles and Caroline having a ‘chat’ about Stefan – that was a really beautiful note, the parallel of Caroline softening towards both the cat and Stefan. In fact, the cat is basically a metaphor for Stefan, right? Caroline’s reaction annoyed me initially, I can’t lie, but her gradual rationalisation of her behaviour was really interesting and her thoughts on how it affected Stefan showed her to be compassionate and sweet. An interesting point was that Stefan felt that he lost control completely of the sex, intimacy situation, whereas Caroline describes him as ‘always having one foot on the floor, checking in’ – I’m not sure why I liked that so much, but I did. I love the tease for chapter 16 where these idiots actually talk to each other. There’s a line where Stefan talks (in his head) about him (or indeed anyone) not being worth that much angst and about watching her flicker from afar, both of which I loved because it showed just what a caring chap Stefan is.

Italicized the bit above because I’m so happy you caught that! It was one of those dissonant things I tried to sneak in to remind people that literally no one’s narration in this fic is objective, you know? Like Stefan’s sitting there feeling lowkey guilty because there was a moment he knew he probably should’ve pulled back but didn’t, and then later on Caroline’s thinking about how safe she felt because he never seemed to lose himself completely. I think on a backstory note, too, it gives a some indirect insight into Maroline and just how out of control Matt could get that by comparison, Stefan losing control felt like total safety to her. 

ANYWAY, that bit aside (I love how you catch those little things, btw), cat’s totally a metaphor for Stefan. To me anyway. I don’t think Stefan directly intended the parallel but this cheesy af author did 👍 And yeah, at their core, Caroline and Stefan are both giant cheese balls who are just trying to figure out what to do with their abundance of scary feelings. I think it’s good that Caroline’s reaction annoyed you, tbh, because it was supposed to be a last straw kind of thing. Not necessarily even for Stefan, but just for her. She gets sick of her own shit, which you probably get more of a sense for in 16 than 15. It’s kind of her breaking point. She’s like ‘holy shit enough this is exhausting’. So I think it’s good for you, as the reader, to also be exhausted with her, because she’s pretty much feeling the same way. 

(Aside: jeez the way you wrote the Steroline sex scene was perfect, not graphic or squirmy, but really hot. I now can’t wait to see what you do with Bamon! Things gonna get weird – I know it!)

I literally just figured out how Bamon’s going to go down (like locked it down in my head) and honestly. Weirdly feelsy. But also very hot and them, I think. Bonnie’s profession might factor in. But gah, thanks so much for the feedback on the SC scene! That was like my first time writing a sex scene in a fic (not because I’m anti-sex scene I just usually don’t make it that far in, looooool) so I’m so glad it wasn’t a disaster!

The ship stuff is great in this chapter, but I thought I was going to miss the friendship stuff. I didn’t because of all the cute references to the friendships that you put in. Damon doing his lovesick idiot impression AKA imitating Stefan – LOL! Damon referring to Stefan taking Bonnie to court for flamingo hate crimes - I nearly died at that little exchange. I also liked the parallel of Bonnie telling Damon about the Stefonnie V-day standoff (“yellow sucks and you’re a bad friend” WTF Bonnie? Baby love sick puppy Stefan - priceless) and Steroline chatting about Bonnie’s insane diet as a way of bonding (Stefan’s a feeder, his go-to strategy to smooth things over = food, head canon this was his major way of coping with his sisters and Bonnie’s mood swings). Bonnie is like the lynch pin in this fic and I bloody love it. The parallel of Caroline and Bonnie trying to get over Stefan and Damon by using extreme physical contact as a method of desensitisation. LOL like that was ever going to work - dumbos!

Aren’t they the stupidest human beings, though? Like do you understand how often I write literally any part of this fic and have to stop, stare the screen, and go ‘WHY ARE YOU ALL SO DUMB’. Like yeah, Caroline, riding Stefan in the middle of a dark living room till neither of you can think straight is definitely going to make you less into him. Obviously. How could that backfire? Yeah Bonnie, dragging a flirty Damon to a tiny little stairwell to bitch at him is obviously not going to lead to anything you don’t want happening. How could it? It’s so foolproof? They’re stupid. Anyway, lmao, love love love that all the brotp references could keep you afloat with the friendships this chapter, and love all the parallels you picked up on. I’m not going to lie, I miss writing ensemble scenes so friggin’ much, to the point where I’m a little sad 16 had to get split before I hit the group bits, but I can’t wait to get back to that. I can’t wait to get back to crowded mornings and furtive looks and smug comments and chaotic bursts of activity - it always happens whenever I have long night time scenes. I’m like ready for the reset of a new, bustling morning, and a large part of it is because of the brotp potential, so I’m super happy that part’s important to you, too!

Now for Kai. His cyber stalking, 6 ovens and secret room made me laugh in a somewhat anxious way, although I too aim for my Christmas decorations to involve a miniature train set up #lifegoals #weareallalittlebitkai. I get that Bonnie was terrified, trapped with a knife 2 inches from her face. She still slipped into her compassionate self because that is who Bonnie is at her core. This girl is a damn hero. I can totally see how down the line these 2 end up being ‘friends’ with the other 3 being dragged into this friendship group, kicking and screaming, although I caught Damon being friendly with him already. I’m really interested to see how the Stefan-Kai dynamic works out. I felt bad for him going off swan hunting in a blizzard and perplexed because it’s going to take ages to pluck and roast a new swan – Bamon are trapped lol.

Loooool, Kai, my little lunatic son. He means well? Kind of. I think he just doesn’t always know what ‘well’ is. And yep, Bonnie’s compassionate streak flares hard and often, and it’s already showing for Kai, although if you’ve read 16 it turns out that Damon actually ends up being the surprise Kai bestie. Honestly, Kai thinks they’re both great and has very enthusiastic and occasionally frightening ways of showing it, lmao. And HAHA, you know, Kai x Stefan is probably the only dynamic I haven’t nailed down? Largely because my instinct is to have Kai think he’s shady/get an inexplicably bad vibe from him (because COME ON HOW FUNNY IS THAT), and I feel like Stefan’s constantly getting the short end of the stick with these people, but lmao, who knows. I might do it anyway. It’s hard to resist the hilarity of Murdery McSwankiller Kai finding Stefan of all people suspicious. They’ll probably bond over cooking, though.

Hands down my favourite part is Damon’s panic attack, the way you wrote it – wow, so good. I have never had a panic attack and after reading that I was so glad that I hadn’t. It basically cracked open Damon’s life a little, let us in on his dark past. I have only waited 15 chapters for this (see every review of this fic I have ever written lol – god I’m so boring, sorry). When they were first trapped in the basement and Bonnie was quizzing him without mercy, I felt so bad for him.  I loved that she picked up on the panic attack and tried a softer approach and the connection that it sparked. I love their physical attraction (I want them to kiss every time they get within about 6 foot of each other, I have no idea how Bonnie copes!), their verbal sparring and Damon’s protectiveness towards Bonnie, but Damon being vulnerable and letting her in (even if he didn’t want to) was like the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle and at the same time, the beginning of something really beautiful. I really want to see more from him next chapter, his embarrassment is already palpable in the preview vid and I’m so psyched about vulnerable Damon. I hope we find out more about why he was in Chicago. Is that likely?

Ahhhhhh, girl, all of this has me so, so starry-eyed, like I’m so happy to hear this scene worked so well for you. I always get super nervous when I’m writing something sensitive that I’ve never gone through myself, and I try to do a bunch of research and read about peoples’ experiences and see what different accounts have in common to get to the core of it, but it’s still always a bit of a gamble. Not even in the sense of getting the symptoms and stuff right, because that’s just following a list, but more so capturing the gravity of it, not making it some melodramatic trivialized thing that robs it of weight, you know? That’s what I was the most worried about, so reading this review is just so, so wonderful, because it seems like you really felt everything I was trying to capture. Love love love your analysis of Bamon and their progression so far, and your note about how it felt like both the final piece of something and the beginning of something else. I think that’s such a great way to put it. You spend a fair bit of time in Damon’s head in 16, and it’s safe to say his whole breezy facade is cracked, but the vulnerability is definitely there. And as for the new beginning you mentioned in 15, I think what that ends up being in 16 is that trust is starting to build. He’s trying to avoid it at first, but it’s there and it’s growing, and in 17 (what was supposed to be 16, lmao), you’ll see the first moment where Damon actually volunteers information about himself. He isn’t asked, he isn’t panicking, he just finally gets to the point where he wants to talk about things, Chicago, etc. So I think it’s 100% likely that you’ll hear more about what happened there, and in an added bonus, it won’t all be from his mental narration! He’s going to bring it up. It’s comin’!

Edit: Having seen your posts, I have now seen that the next chapter will have Baroline friendship scenes and more Stefan back story – OMG yay so up for this! Also we need more about Stefan and the girl that cried after having sex with him (or was it the other way around?).

Hahaha literally BOTH of those things got lost in the split, I’m afraid. But they’re definitely coming! And lmaaaaaoooooo, in the fic, Stefan made a girl cry once, but I honestly wouldn’t put post-sex crying past him. Oh, Stefan, my precious emotional son.

Anyway, thanks so, so much for this glorious review, babe. As always, it was insightful and eloquent af and I’m crazy humbled to have readers like you. <3

[suiciderealestate]

It’s almost time for me to move to New York. At twenty-seven years old it doesn’t feel like a romantic coming-of-age story anymore. It feels more like a last-ditch effort to salvage my youth and escape the precipitous cusp of mediocrity.

In New York I hope to find my voice. I hope to find my beauty. I hope to find something that gives me a more complete sense of fulfillment, that eases the journey of my life in a way that reassures me I haven’t navigated this maze with a proclivity for every wrong turn. Life’s path is winding, and I often feel like I’ve just been running in circles. Maybe I will never escape that feeling. Maybe it exists by design.

Now that I’m preparing to leave, it feels like the Universe is tossing every obstacle in my way, draping cosmic interruptions in veils of everything I’ve ever thought I wanted. I think New York is what I really want now. I think being alone is what I really want now. But a short line of all my past loves seems to be traveling in a grim colonnade over the horizon to capture my attention and redirect it to the same sinkhole I’ve been stuck in for what seems like forever.

I told Elic I loved him the other night after I took him out for his birthday and paid for just about everything. It was funny because that’s exactly what I said I wasn’t going to do, but it’s exactly what I did. I said I wanted to reestablish our relationship. I told him I wanted to put our spotted past behind us and start over as friends. I said it was important for me to move to New York feeling like I didn’t harbor any lasting grudges against people who had taken up so much of my life, my money, my emotions. He was an investment for me over the course of two years when I thought I could salvage a future between us. I no longer feel that way, but that mother fucker still finds a way to sweet talk me into paying every time. He has a boyfriend. He says he wants to leave him and move to New York with me. What he really wants to do is move to California. I’m not stupid. I’m malleable and far too forgiving, but I think I can finally say that I’m not stupid. I told him I would look into the possibility of him coming with me. He gave me two days to give him answer. But whether it be two days or thirty, it will be a cold day in Hell before I tie myself down to another needy, selfish man. I love Elic, but I love him in the same way that I would love an old car that sits in the back of the house, unused. He represents a museum, a mausoleum, of some of my worst times, some of my highest hopes, and all of my greatest delusions.

He isn’t the only one, either. I started talking to a boy named Jonathan again the other day. I guess he was passing through Garden City and thought I was still there. I guess he wanted to fuck. I always blamed that nameless fuck that came after him for giving me mono, but the more I think about it, the more I’m sure it was him. We had decent chemistry but there’s no doubt that he’s a nasty guy into nasty things, and it’s really a wonder that I didn’t contract something more serious. I sent a flirtatious picture of my dick, surrounded by hundred-dollar bills. It was a tacky thing to do, and sure enough he dropped out of school, left that island off the Florida coast and moved to Montgomery, Alabama, where he now resides in what looks like a flophouse. He said he hadn’t eaten all day when I talked to him. He said he needed a hundred bucks to get him back on his feet. But I’m not making any money right now. I’m just hiding in Nashville waiting for my escape. I just want to leave all these keepsake pennies behind and start over. All these boys want is money. I guess that’s probably all I’m good for, since sex and beauty aren’t exactly my strong suites. Cynicism, biting humor and random bouts of wild, unhinged exhibitionist behavior are more my strong suites.

Elic made a funny remark the other day when he was professing his love to me. He said he needs to stop dating for looks (his boyfriend) and start dating someone who has the key to his heart. I’m sure as hell I don’t have that key, and if I do I lost it a long time ago. Maybe he wants it back, but I couldn’t help but feel like I’m the ugly duckling in the list of people that circle in and out of his life for romantic or pseudo romantic reasons. He asked me if he looked OK. I just stared at him. His glacier blue eyes look emptier every year. His face looked hollow. His skin was flecked with little red marks that suggested drug use. He bleached the front of his hair. I told him he looked fine. When I asked him the same question, he just kind of looked at me. I am constantly reminded that I haven’t cornered the market on conventional good looks, but if anything I like to believe that I look unique. With thinning red hair, small, almond-shaped blue eyes, alabaster skin that turns red in my chest and around my cheeks, and an otherworldly cranial shape, give me what I would like to believe is a distinctive appearance. Unfortunately, I’m hardly photogenic. Sometimes I like what I see in the mirror. Sometimes I hate it. When I feel good about myself, I cling to those feelings for dear life, for as long as I can. Inevitably, I lose my grip on them, and in a world that prizes an online presence, beauty and all the hallmarks of success that come with it, I often feel crippled. My inability to take a good picture of myself feels like a curse. I am terrified of being filmed. Some people take bad pictures and it doesn’t faze them. For me, it feels like an indelible reflection of divine favor, or the absence of it. For many years I felt like a holy flower. Now I feel defiled by a wilting bloom. But I think there is peace in that feeling, somewhere at the bottom or in the center. From my dreams to my waking life, I walk a narrow road of endless illusion, just as we all do. Reality is part truth, part phantasmagoria. But despite the gradience of its actuality, I tell myself that even the highest mountains are little more than rushing rivers in the molecular onslaught of time. I hope to find some transient meaning in New York. I want to be an artist: a writer, a photographer, an incarnation of life’s highest values — love, creativity and acceptance. I want to feel every moment of my life, and even though it all blends together and folds away like an origami sky in the end, I hope to walk away feeling like I did my very best to be a complete human being. I don’t want to die a languorous, drunken man-child who can’t be bothered. Though I may not have been blessed with modelesque symmetry, a talent for mathematics or even a terribly exciting story, I think there is always time to build.

When I was a little boy I wanted to go to Harvard for law school. I didn’t. I went to a college preparatory school my freshman year of high school called Montgomery Bell Academy that would have put me on a steady path to that dream, and I was miserable. It was a school for boys, and being gay made that hard for me. “Gentleman, scholar, athlete” was their performative mantra. I didn’t live and haven’t lived up to any of those archetypes. I left after a year and went to several high schools, ultimately graduating from an alternative school that hardly anyone I grew up with has heard or ever will hear of. After college, the Peace Corps declined me. I couldn’t think of a project proposal for a National Geographic Fulbright scholarship. I didn’t get into the European grad program. Sometimes I feel like I took a devastating wrong turn in life, if such things even exist. I simply can’t keep up in the constant, mindless race to snatch credentials. But at the end of my life they would only ever be a hiccup in my elegy, things hardly worth mentioning. When I die I want people to tell stories about me. I want people to capture the essence of my personality and convey it like a myth, something that, in time, may or may not have happened. Whether or not it did doesn’t really matter as long as people talk about it. As long as, somehow, to someone, I’m worth remembering. I guess the greatest approval we can ever achieve is our own.

More than anything, I’m going to New York to be reborn. Twenty-seven years may have passed, reflecting nearly a decade of adulthood. Can anyone really stay young after thirty? I guess I’ll find out. Maybe youth is just a state of mind. Maybe there is something in me that has never seen the world, that the world has never seen. If it really does exists, if it’s hiding deep within me, I hope New York — and the labyrinth of opportunity it represents — will awaken in me the person I’ve always wanted to be: hardworking, creative, disciplined, fearless, colorful and fabulous beyond imagination. I want to transform my canvas into a work of art. I want to wash upon those fabled shores and for the first time feel the essence of the American Dream. More than a star, I want to be a force to be reckoned with. I want to be a loud voice in the world that reminds everyone, and myself included, that anything is possible.

[mvalleefootball-blog]

Patriots Bounce Back in the Bayou

By Michael Vallee

Sometimes it takes the results of a game to see the obvious.  Or at least the results of the first quarter.  Entering Sunday’s game in New Orleans, Patriots fans were predictably on edge.  It was just 10 days ago that they watched their team get humiliated at home in front of a national television audience.  It was the type of loss that triggers immediate concerns about everything from personnel and injuries to the inevitable mortality of their seemingly ageless quarterback.  Compounding the problem was the wait.  The long tedious wait that accompanies all the losing teams of any Thursday night game.  Just enough time for Patriots fans to analyze, over-analyze and re-analyze what happened.  Even worse, enough time to not only contemplate the next game, but start to formulate a half-decent argument that the New England Patriots might actually lose to the New Orleans Saints.  

Then the game happens.

Faster than you could say “Tony Romo is sooooo much better than Phil Simms”, New England raced to a 20-3 lead, eventually coasting to an easy, and suddenly quite predictable, 36-20 victory.  It was one of those results that instantly made you feel stupid.  Did we actually entertain the possibility that Bill Belichick’s Patriots were going to fall to 0-2 and lose to a Saints team that is perpetually adrift in mediocrity?  Shame on all of us for ever doubting.

This was your classic New England Patriot bounce back game.  Belichick specializes in tearing his teams down by constantly reminding them that they’re not as good as they might think they are - a task made increasingly more difficult when your team accumulates more rings than Tiffanys.  But give Belichick an ugly loss to work with, and it is all the ammunition he needs to knock his team down a few dozen pegs and get them refocused.  

Since 2003, Brady and Belichick have lost 11 games by two touchdowns or more.  In the games that immediately followed those losses the New England Patriots are 10-1, with the only defeat being a one-point loss to the Dolphins in 2009.  Hell, Belichick even went 3-0 with Matt Cassel following losses of two touchdowns or more.  But don’t be fooled by that last sentence, these bounce backs are just as much a Brady show as a Belichick show.  The kale eating, night-shade hating, excessively pliable franchise quarterback has been nothing short of spectacular following blowout losses.  In those 10 wins since ‘03, Brady has thrown 24 touchdowns and just three interceptions, posting a QB rating of 115.  

I guess the TB12 method is just as effective with your back against the wall.  Maybe even more so.  Though I have a suspicion that Brady’s near-perfect performance Sunday, and in all these rebound games, is less about avoiding tomatoes and getting to bed early and more about a competitive fire that is nothing short of maniacal.  Guys like Brady despise losing at things like checkers and *ping pong so you can only imagine how they feel about getting publicly humiliated at their chosen profession.  It is only natural that such a loss triggers some kind of hyper-focus in the Bradys and Belichicks of the world.  

It’s also worth noting the Patriots don’t just bounce back following big losses, they bounce back with a vengeance, winning by an average of just under 17 points.  Sunday’s win over New Orleans was not the exception to the rule, it was the rule.  The Patriots bounce back, and bounce back big time.  It’s what they do.  

We shouldn’t have needed the final score Sunday to know that.

Game Notes

-Brady was nothing short of masterful on Sunday:

Poised under pressure…

Active in the pocket…

Accurate…

Decisive…

Anticipating throws like the 53-yard TD to Gronk which was pure school yard stuff...

Brady’s first quarter was near perfect, completing 11 of 14 passes for 177 yards and three touchdowns.  He did most of the damage without even utilizing his wideouts, completing his first nine passes to running backs and tight ends.  Brady finished the game with a QB rating of 139.6.  It was an absolute clinic.

-Baffling Stat of the Day:  The 20 points scored in the first quarter was the most ever by a Brady led offense.  That is mind-blowing.  I would have thought he did that at least a dozen other times.

-Defenseless:  To be fair this wasn’t much of a test for Brady.  If you’ll recall this was the same defense that allowed Sam “noodle-arm” Bradford to complete 27 of 32 passes week 1.  Brady would have faced more resistance if he played against Boston College.  Things get a lot tougher going forward with Houston and Carolina on the horizon.

-M*A*S*H:  And Brady could be without multiple weapons in the coming weeks as that mysterious blue medical tent had more bodies coming and going than a clown car.  Julian Edelman, Malcolm Mitchell, and Danny Amendola might soon be joined on the injury report by Gronk, Burkhead, Hogan and Dorsett.  Uh, what exactly is left after that?  Is Welker available?  Moss still looks like he’s in shape.  Any chance Stallworth is done with his probation and free to travel the country?  Now more than ever they have to give Dion Lewis a shot at slot receiver.  The underrated RB has touched the ball a meager seven times the first two weeks.  It’s time to find a way to get the ball in his hands.

-No Home Cooking:  It’s still early, but it’s hard not to be down on Brandin Cooks.  On Sunday he was facing his old team, in a dome and by game’s end was literally the only healthy receiver on the team yet managed a mere two catches against arguably the worst secondary in the NFL.  Romo expressed his own doubt during the broadcast openly questioning how good Cooks could be if Brees and the Saints were willing to let him go.  If he doesn’t pick it up soon this is going to start looking like one of the more costly mistakes of the Belichick era.

-Analyze This:  As good as Brady was Sunday the quarterback that received the most positive reviews from the Patriots game was Tony Romo.  Romo has been nothing short of a revelation.  He’s enthusiastic, sharp, opinionated and might have as strong a working knowledge of the current NFL as any analyst.  He has not only displayed an uncanny knack for anticipating what’s coming but on Sunday even went so far as to try and read Belichick’s mind.  

Now let’s be honest, as good as he has been, Romo has been helped by the “Small Shoes Affect”, in other words, no human being anywhere on earth in any profession started a new job this year with smaller shoes to fill than Tony Romo.  If Romo just sat there and stared at the wall he would have been an upgrade from the lazy, clueless and remarkably untalented Phil Simms.  Someday the guy that replaces Marvin Lewis will know exactly what I’m talking about.  For 15 years (holy sh*t was it that long) Simms sat next to Jim Nantz as the lead NFL analyst on CBS and brought nothing of value to the broadcast except unintentional comedy.  The length of his tenure remains one of the great mysteries of our time, but it is clear that Romo is benefiting from that tenure and the collective disdain the football watching public had for Simms.

Romo isn’t perfect.  Somebody has to tell him that he is not required to comment on everything that occurs during the game.  His energy level is commendable but sometimes it’s OK to just let the game breathe.  He also missed badly when comparing the 2017 Patriots offense to their 2001 counterparts simply because McDaniels ran a few plays with a fullback.  On balance though he has had as strong a start to a broadcasting career as I can remember.  Now we just need to pray that Dak Prescott doesn’t get hurt and Romo doesn’t get the itch to return to the field, otherwise we might again be stuck with Simms fumbling and flatulating his way through another broadcast.

-Master Class:  How many coaches in the NFL would have their team prepared enough to run the field goal unit on the field, get set up and successfully execute a field goal without committing a penalty, in under 16 seconds?  Moments like that are why Belichick has spent more on boat paint than anyone on Nantucket.

-Not quite the ‘85 Bears but…:  I thought the defense had an underrated game on Sunday.  If you throw out the garbage time touchdown, they held a Drew Brees led offense to 13 points in a dome.  Not bad.  When Brees did manage big plays it often required a perfect throw into tight coverage.  Aside from Patrick Chung, who struggled in coverage, I thought the secondary was solid and the pass rush got a needed boost from rookie DE Deatrich Wise.  They also got a sneaky good game out of undrafted corner Jonathan Jones, who broke up multiple passes.  Could it be that Belichick has found the next Malcolm Butler?

-Beginning of the end?:  Speaking of Butler, this bizarre cold war between him and Belichick continued Sunday when Butler was benched in favor of Eric Rowe.  I’m lost.  How exactly did Butler go from Super Bowl hero and rock solid starter to the Belichick doghouse in 6 months?  This can’t all just be about a shaky game week 1.  Did Butler cut Bill in the buffet line?  During last year’s Super Bowl celebration was Bill’s favorite band, Bon Jovi, blaring on the radio only to be turned off by Butler, who then shouted, “That band sucks”?  What?  WHAT???  Maybe it is all about football but it feels more petty and personal.  There was a time when I thought Butler was going to get a long-term deal, now I’m wondering if he gets dumped at the trade deadline, a la Jamie Collins.

-No TB12 diet here:  If Butler is in the doghouse, Alan Branch is buried 6-feet under it.  Branch not only didn’t start Sunday, he played a miniscule six snaps on defense.  This decision was 100% a football decision.  Branch was atrocious last week, a fact that had to particularly irritate Belichick considering he just gave Branch a new contract.  Let me give you my highly sophisticated deep dive analysis on what is currently behind Branch’s struggles: he is a fat load.  Branch looks like he has packed on several pounds in all the wrong places.  Apparently he signed his new contract then immediately purchased an all-you-can-eat lifetime pass to KFC.  Whether he has gained weight, or I’m just seeing things (large things), either way Branch’s play is a troubling early development.

-The definition of insanity…:  When does New Orleans move on from the Drew Brees/Sean Payton era?  Payton is like a band that had one really good album and has been cranking out garbage ever since.  Yeah the post-Katrina Super Bowl title was special but it was also eight years ago.  Since then the Saints have won just two playoff games, failed to make it past the division round and have posted four losing seasons.  Their defense is perennially one of the worst in the NFL and currently sits at dead last.  If this continues the Saints should cut the cord with Payton, trade Brees to a contender and shift full-speed into rebuild mode.   

-Barely legal:  Can the NFL once-and-for-all end the pick play.  It’s hard enough for defenses to stop the modern NFL passing game without having receivers blocking defensive backs that are just trying to do their job.  Chris Hogan scored Sunday on a legal pick play that was originally flagged as pass interference, until Tom Brady calmly explained to the officials that they were mistaken, and the flag was immediately picked up.  Microphones on the field were able to pick up the conversation:

Referee:  Tom we got you guys for pass interference

Brady:  No way.  I’m Tom Brady.  I got five Super Bowl rings and four Super Bowl MVPs, plus look at me.  And have you ever seen my wife?  I’m the man.  So, do you think you might want to reconsider that call?

Referee:  There was no penalty on the play

-Brady’s cultish manifesto book the TB12 Method comes out Tuesday, giving everyone the opportunity to eat and train like him.  All you need is a massive food budget, a private chef and a lifestyle that allows you to go to bed at 7:00pm.  Thanks, but I’ll pass.  I value bacon and whiskey more than I value pliability.

-Zero Dark Thirty:  Common wisdom was that the Patriots broke the Falcons in last year’s Super Bowl…...like permanently broke the entire franchise.  But Dan Quinn had other ideas, and he set out to fix his team from the mental devastation of blowing the biggest opportunity of their football lives in front of 100+ million people.  One of those ideas was for the Falcons to train with the Navy Seals in the offseason which Matt Ryan recently credited in an interview for making the team mentally tougher.  Fresh off a beatdown of the Green Bay Packers the Falcons are 2-0 and travel to Foxboro week 7.

-Celebrating diversity one bad sideline report at a time:  I didn’t get a chance to address that Sergio Dipp thing that happened to the internet last week.  What I find most fascinating is that I still have no idea what the hell that was.  Did he choke?  Lose a bet?  Is he just a fool?  I still have no idea.  It was like somebody melded a sideline report with a hostage video.  All his incoherent babble about diversity made it seem as if he was not a human, but rather a politically correct internet bot created by ESPN (would you put it past them) to spew safe, happy, and extremely awkward platitudes.  Whatever happened it is clear Sergio was not “HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE”, last Monday.  Unfortunately for Sergio he went from sympathetic underdog to annoying tool when he posted a response to all the internet fervor where he at one point invoked 9/11 - not the date, but the national tragedy that killed thousands of people and sent our nation to war.  Alright Sergio, I think we’ve heard enough out of you, time to go back to ESPN Deportes and let the grownups handle the football stuff.

[maafbox]

A CHAT WITH THE CUNNINGHAMS: PART IV

by Emery Columna

EC: So how long did it take to get over that feeling of luckiness, a week or

Eric: I feel lucky everyday. Sometimes you forget about it and you act like a spoiled brat, but you just have to constantly remind yourself, and each other.

Scott: I hope I never wake up and don't feel lucky. I mean you have to, to maintain what you're doing.

Eric: Yeah, if you take this for granted, if you can take this for granted, you're never going to make it anyway.

Eliot: You'd just be so ungrateful about life.

Eric: When we showed up to make our video and we rolled up there, and there were cameras all over and we had our own trailer, I mean those are the moments where you realize, Oh my God, not everybody's doing this. If everybody could do this, everybody would be doing it.

One percent of one percent.

Eric: We're so fucking incredibly lucky, when you pull up somewhere and there's somebody standing there asking what you want made for breakfast and there's people doing your makeup and your hair in your trailer and you're kinda like sitting there going, wow, last week you wouldn't even talk to me.

Seven: It's just something that's really easy, singing, probably the laziest profession of the whole band. (Laughter) & I'm pretty lazy. (More Laughter) I mean, it's easy, anybody can sing, there's karaoke bars all across the world. It's not anything special. I probably wanted to be a drummer when I was little too, but I was so lazy, I wouldn't want to carry around a bunch of equipment.

You just show up with your clean, sterile mic and you spray the band with Lysol.

(Laughter)

What kind of day gigs did you do before you did music full time?

Scott: I pretty much, early on started to do construction, building houses, because I figured out that I could be kind of a loser and not show up to work, or leave whenever I needed to, and at the same time, make enough money so I could survive, buy my guitars and support my musical habit, it's almost what it is. It's like having a drug habit, because everything you own, everything you have, everything you possess goes into it, in order to succeed. So I pounded nails.

Ever hit your thumb?

Scott: Many times. I almost cut both these fingers off with a table saw [shows two fretting fingers] once, and the scars on there prove it. I was always real conscious of it, it was a bad job for me to have.

Eric: I don't think any of mine were all that interesting. (Laughter) I was an Assistant Manager at a Pizza Hut for about three years, before we got signed I worked at a children's amusement place, doing a number of jobs there, but the last thing I did was work at the food stand and gave out popcorn and hot dogs to kids all day. So that was, before we got signed, I was selling hot dogs to kids.

Were they Hebrew National, or generic?

Eric: They were--

Eliot: Oscar Mayer! We need an endorsement!

(Laughter)

Eric: They were good, you know, all beef. I came with a quality hot dog!

Scott: The corn dogs, I'm telling you, were to die for.

Eric: It was a cool little place, they had like miniature golf and video games and I worked there for about a year & 1/2 and at the time I was like 25, 26 and I was working there going man, if we don't get a record deal...(Big, Knowing Laughs all around). Cause I was hardly making any money, you don't make very much money selling hot dogs, so that's where I was at. The reason why I quit Pizza Hut was because I was assistant manager there and it required so much of my time and so much of my mental energy that it was hard for me to be as involved in my band as I wanted to be.

Eliot: I worked, I worked, I worked...I had a lot of jobs. (Laughter) I worked at a pet store for a while, and needless to say, that sucked.

Scott: Eliot, what was your job at the pet store?

Stable Boy. (Laughter)

Eliot: I had to clean out the mess every morning. And then I went to work for a car wash and then I cooked for a while, did some carpet laying. I was a Kelly Girl for a while. (More Laughter) Worse comes to worse, you can always do the Temp Service thing for some cash. I jumped around wishing I could do something cooler. (Laughs)

Seven: Any job that I had I didn't have very long, because they wouldn't put up with me being gone because I had a show out of town. I worked at an amusement park, did landscaping, just anything where I could just be a lazy fuck. The amusement park bosses were supportive and really bent my schedule around all of that, they were like really supportive.

What was the name of that amusement park?

Seven: Seattle Center Fun Forest, it's right by the space needle. It's kind of cool to have a boss like that when you have other people around you like your mom & dad that are thinking, you're just a fucking loser.

Those kind of bosses are so rare, you know.

Seven: They were really cool.

So how long have you four been together as a unit?

Scott: About a year and a half.

Eliot: It's coming up on two years now, but we've known each other for longer, we just weren't The Cunninghams.

Who are the founders?

Eliot: These three. [Pointing to Scott, Eric and Seven]

Who met who first, and how did this dynamic happen?

Scott: It's been years, all of us playing in different bands together. Seven and I had been in a band, that broke up, we came back to Seattle, Eric and Seven got a band together,

Seven: He met me through a drummer that we (Seven and Scott) had played with. He was playing with Eric, and I didn't want to sing anymore. But we did that, and those bands were just lame, Eric brought members of his other band and we needed another guitar player, so since I knew Scott,

Scott: I was playing in a band with Eliot.

Seven: That band kind of fell apart and then it was just us three again, and Scott knew Eliot, so we did that and it was just a succession bass players, you get a bunch of guys that think they can play bass , which is probably the second laziest instrument. (Laughter)

Eliot: Bass players across the country now hate you!

Seven: I've got to tell it like it is.

Scott: Eliot was a tough guy to get in the band, we tried about a year to talk him into joining our band.

Eric: He was so stuck up, he wouldn't have us!

Seven: The thing was he was very loyal. He already was in a band and he was loyal. That meant a lot to us that we'd sit there and offer and he'd do demo work with us, but he'd stick with his band. Then when his band finally did start going down the tubes,

Eric: Then he jumped ship. Stuff starts getting rough with his band, so then he jumped ship.

Scott: I had to get his guitar player to quit, so there was no hope!

Eric: We convinced him there was no hope.

Eliot: I just realized that my relationship with my old band was becoming less and less friendly, and I knew that these guys were good guys and I already knew them, and I liked the music that they were playing, they had awesome management, so I was jumping into a great band. Nice guys, with great management.

Eric: We always used to tell Eliot he should quit his band because we're going to get a record deal.

Scott: Join the band, we're going to get signed.

Eliot: Then I joined the band and I realized you guys suck, we're not going to get signed! (Laughter)

Seven: He's calling back his old band and whining.

Eliot: But we stuck to it and we actually did get signed.

Eric: So his old band told him like, we can go on without you. They told him he was replaceable,

Eliot: They told me I was replaceable ,

Eric: And then he joined this band and I don't even know if they're a band anymore.

Scott: It's easy to feel good about that.

Eliot: Well I don't feel good about that.

Scott: You should, obviously, you're not replaceable.

Oooh, his head's blowing up now.