#he was at least better about lying when it came to Nendo and Kaido

[fluffydice]

Shoutout my favorite kubosai moment, which is when Kuboyasu is infodumping about a yakuza movie and Saiki says “I keep ignoring him but he’s not LEAVING” before immediately disproving himself by going “He’s a bad storyteller, I can’t even tell how many guys are in this film”

[kiwanopie]

Psych Kick

saiki k x reader (wc: 1k)

intrusive thoughts won on this one lads. [also, little reminder that saiki k is canonically asexual but coming from someone who’s on the ace/aro-spectrum who sometimes enjoys sex, i made it a little suggestive.] college au, duh.

“What? Big hotshot can’t join his friends for a hangout?”

“Hot-?” Saiki blows a short breath out of his nose as he adjusts his glasses. “Like I said, let's do it later.”

Nendo frowns. “Whyyy~”

“Must have another meeting with the president this time.” Hario you too?! “It’s best we let him go save the world again.”

“Why are you all being so bitter about this-“

“Come on! What could possibly be so important that you can’t hang out with your pals for once?” And now Kaido’s talking like Nendo. It’s best to cut this short. “We haven’t seen you in forever since that whole meteor thing! Do you really think you’re too good for us now?”

Saiki sighs.

There’s no way to go about saying this without getting haggled immediately afterwards. Especially given the extreme circumstance. He’s not stupid. He’s not shallow but he’s not blind either. Ever since this whole thing came about he’s been chiding himself on picking so outside of his current dispositions, making himself so open to attention and fighting that pesky feeling of being so okay with it. His first idea was to keep it a secret, but now with his feelings - new feelings in the way; he has to stop himself from making a show of it like someone he knows would. For a second he wonders if this was the kind of path that drove his parents to madness.

His cheeks grow hot as he thumbs over his phone in his hands, and at the very least, he can be thankful it’s just these four for now.

He wants to turn his head. “My… girlfriend-“

“Stop lying!”

He didn’t even let him get it out!

Torituska pouts from his chair across the room, sitting backwards on a computer seat that turns his expression mushy as he leans against it. “Seriously, if you’re gonna make up something, at least come up with a more believable lie.” Now you’re just being mean.

“Hah? What’s so unbelievable about me having a girlfriend?”

“You can hear yourself when you speak right?”

He’s gonna start scowling at this rate.

“Wait, hold on.” Hario repositions his back against the bed as he but’s in, raising his hands to interject. There’s a look on his face like he’s trying to placate the two. “Let’s not act like Saiki isn’t a spirited guy! He’s helpful and faithful to his ideals! And his personality isn’t even that bad.” You’re not helping.

“He doesn’t even own a porn mag. - And his search history is squeaky clean.“ What does one have to do with the other?

“If you have a girlfriend, why haven’t we met her yet?”

That would be a pretty good question. Had one quick glance along the room not make him shiver at the prospect of introducing them to his pride and joy. God, he’s starting to sound like his dad.

“Is she in our lectures? Does she go to this university? Does she know you exist?”

“Does she belong to the Dark Reunion?”

“Do you own a pair of her panties?”

Do you know what you’re asking him right now? Aside from a quick flick of his finger and a harsh eraser mark on Torituska’s forehead, Saiki turns his head toward the door in favor of a response. He can barely think under these conditions to begin with. No better that he knows his friends don’t plan on going anywhere even after he leaves his dorm for the night, and with his luck might even be here by morning. But that’s beside the fact. If these guys don’t believe he has a girlfriend, they’ll never believe what he’s leaving so prematurely to do.

Does he keep that box of condoms in his closet or his bathroom?

“What’s her name?”

Saiki’s lips twitch up as he reaches into that black box tucked near his extra blankets, half inclined to hum it as it rolls over his tongue. “_____.”

Hario’s mouth shapes into an astonished little “o” as Kaido tilts his head, too preoccupied with that foreign shade of rouge on his friend’s face to notice Torituska’s gone pale. “Sounds foreign?”

Saiki glances at Nendo’s puzzled expression and follows it to Torituska’s ghostly body. Decidedly he should leave before things get loud. “It is.”

“W-Wait you mean,” Hario blushes. That’s appropriate. “______ from the-“

“I’ll kill you!” That’s not.

The pointed finger keeps Tori frozen in the air but his strength is enough to make Saiki start to strain. Maybe it should stay a secret. He sighs at what’s sure to be some psychosis driven tirade that he really doesn’t have the time to sit through.

“What does a guy like you get off on trying to call dibs on my precious, _____?! Peon’s like you shouldn’t be able to speak her name let alone spread lies about being her boyfriend! What are you some kind of stalker or something?! A pervert?! Were you gonna stalk her outside of her house and steal her used gum out of the garbage near the gate?!” Why was that last part so specific…?

“______’s really smart and cool and beautiful…” Hario scratches behind his pinkening ears. “And she’s really good at fighting despite looking so soft all over. - If you’re really dating ______ then…. Well it’s certainly hard to believe…”

Saiki’s brow twitches a little. “I didn’t know you were all such big fans.”

“I don’t know her. But she definitely doesn’t seem like the type of person who’d date Saiki-kun.” Kaido adds.

Saiki’s phone buzzes in his hand as he sighs. And he doesn’t even have to look. He was supposed to be there minutes ago and knowing you you’ve probably gotten needier by the second. Although, that might not be so bad.

“I gotta go.” He pockets his phone.

Torituska knocks him back with a hard push as he breaks out of his bind. “You’re probably using your telepathic abilities to trick her into dating you! You sick-“

His condoms fall out of his pocket.

The silence that falls over the room is deafening as the five men freeze in place, eyes immediately pulled to the golden wrapper making waves on plastic as it's illuminated by the ceiling light overhead. And he’s sure that they’ve all collectively stopped breathing. Never mind that his friends now know what kind of heat he’s packing in his trousers, but there’s multiple of them. If the whole group was here he’d be half considering the most appropriate way to ditch town after something like this, but in this case he’s only considering the best way to get out of this situation before all hell breaks loose.

He’ll teleport. Like he should’ve minutes ago. Though this time with likely less precision.

Saiki reaches for the grouped up squares and staches them in his pocket, phasing his overnight bag into his hands as he does. “If I’m not back by noon, push the mail in.”

He glances at a lifeless Torituska. “Bye.”

He’s gone in a blink.

reblog if you personally have been targeted by Torituska, you may be entitled to compensation