#he wanted to borrow a book

[cardigan-bay]

Chapter 55 of my Hazbin Hotel fic that continues the story after Season 1 with a disturbing focus on Worst Person, Valentino.

Now what could The Radio Demon want with Valentino, in his bed, alone, at night?

[sleepnoises]

today i found a book that i accidentally permaborrowed after a breakup in 2014 and which i have held on to since then. have not read it. my solution to get it out of the house was to offer it to a friend interested in the subject matter. this "feels better" to me than donating it but i think i've in fact figured out emotional money laundering

[divine-misfortune]

Aether waking Rain up with a cup of tea, Rain all bleary eyed and his curls are just wild - sweet thing only ever communicates in little chirps when he's this out of it and Aether loves every sound - sits beside him and lets Rain lean into his side while he drinks

It's that lovely mint blend Mountain spent forever trying to perfect for the water ghoul's birthday, he drinks it sparingly even though he knows Mountain would replenish the stock in a heartbeat but because there's something special about those dried herbs in that tin. It's the thought behind them that makes them so important to cherish

When he's done, he passes the mug back and leans up to kiss Aether as a thank you but like most mornings (especially the ones where Rain's feeling a little extra sappy for one reason or another) it's never just one kiss, neither of them ever want it to be just one either

There's a reason the two of them are always the last to the breakfast table after spending the night together

[neonthewrite]

I don't know who needs to hear this but "borrower" isn't a catch-all term for a lil guy living in the walls. They are a species from a book series with specific lore on what they look like and how they operate.

[distinguishedstudentcat]

ivy by taylor swift is so show!braime coded I'm going to be sick

[astrarche-x]

thinking about how we never have an actual flashback from the Ouyang clan execution and how that adds to the unreliability of Ouyang's narrative about his life and death. [sorry, long rant incoming bc i have feels]

Especially in regards to the scene when Ouyang is tasked with execution of Zhang Jr.: he thinks that he willingly chose to avenge his father and to bear the suffering of his fate when he was 10. But did he?

''He was giving him a chance for his death to have meaning. He should be grateful", he thinks in regard to Zhang Jr. So did he himself just stay alive for his death to have meaning? Or - what I suspect - did he just invent all this a posteriori to justify his will to live?

Apart from the fact that the scene with Ouyang killing Zhang Jr. is one of the most memorable in HWDTW for me for the layers that it has, it highlights one of the most fascinating facets of Ouyang: his will to live vs. his deathwish.

Obviously as his whole arc is about falling downhill, we as readers don't see much of the former, while the latter is in abundance especially in HWDTW. But nevertheless this tension is very much there.

As I said, we don't see - even through Ouyang's eyes - what went down that fateful day of the massacre; did he really beg for his life to avenge his family or just for the sake of it. But personally - I'm betting for the latter. Like, come on, he was 10 AND - more importantly - he DIDN'T know that Chaghan would have him castrated as he begged for mercy. He had no idea what the consequences would be. He might have thought about revenge; it's evident that even at 10 yo, the masculine ideals were already drilled into him. But he DIDN'T choose that with full awareness; it's something he told himself over the years to justify his will to live.

And I think this is the deepest root of his shame: that he so desperately wanted to live he could do anything. Him being an eunuch was shameful too, but not so much as the fact that he PREFERS it to being dead. This is what Chaghan calls him out on and this is why the scolding is such a turning point (something I didn't catch at first): Ouyang realizes that if he wants to live free of shame and justify his existence, he must have his revenge. But to do that - ironically - he must destroy himself.

The excuse he came up with over the years to make up for his will to live is that he is a tool of revenge; he is allowed to exist as long as he is this tool. Where the tragedy lies is that he never allowed himself to imagine that he could exist after his revenge is complete. Which is, I think, part of the reason why it took him so long to start plotting it: he wanted to live. He wanted to be with Esen. (The passage "He felt a surge of hatred towards the monk. [...] Without him, how much longer might Ouyang have had with Esen?" is one of the most heartbreaking in SWBTS imo). And I think that deep down he didn't even think his revenge was actually doable.

"[...] the monk had triggered the start of his journey towards his purpose. He couldn’t find it in himself to be grateful. It felt like a violation. A theft of something he hadn’t been ready to give up. Not innocence, exactly, but the limbo in which he could still fool himself that other futures were possible."

I think that these ''other futures'' were futures in which the opportunity for revenge never came; not so much as in ''his enemies were dead by other means'', but as in "Ouyang kept waiting but he just didn't get to meet the Khan" etc. And I think that in his mind, it would have been the best possible option - he could keep on living, waiting for the opportunity that somehow never came, but hey, his excuse of being a tool for revenge was still valid, right?? nobody could tell him that he didn't want it or forgot! he just didn't have the opportunity! oh, such bad luck, sorry not sorry. (And one day he would have died on the battlefield, possibly in Esen's arms, and it would be the best life he could have imagined).

But Zhu gives him the opportunity and he feels he must act on it, which means that his excuse for existing will soon be no longer valid, and it makes him so angry. I still don't get why he couldn't imagine a life after revenge; possibly because despite everything he LIKED this life - or, at least, liked it more than the alternative. Revenge meant destroying everything he enjoyed: his life as a general of the Yuan, and - more importantly - Esen. He probably didn't imagine a life for himself after revenge not only because he thought himself a tool to be discarded, but also because he didn't see in there anything worth living for. And this is when his deathwish comes in. It practically appears as soon as Esen is dead; and the rest is history, with Ouyang's ''I have to live because I must have my revenge and I sacrificed too much for it to walk away now!". But still, it strikes me how at the beginning of SWBTS he's clinging to life as he knows it despite it not being ideal, and how in HWDTW he is awaiting death eagerly.

And - circling back to Zhang Jr. - this is why Ouyang kills the boy: for Zhu it might have been tying up loose ends, but Ouyang at this point sees that staying alive wasn't worth it. He does what is better for the boy in his opinion; he even lets him die with honour, something he himself wants. He wishes he had chosen death all these years ago.

[hajdjiwksbabfngldppakfbndnallxk]

what if i told you i prefer platonic felibug/marichat/ladynoir (felinette is the exception)

[declamationark]

I feel like Atsushi would so over the moon and swear undying loyalty to whoever showed him how to get his own library card. He'll be treating it like his most prized possession, second only to Chazuke

[echoesofadream]

so many books on my tbr and also so many books i have started but not finished and im thinking about reading dostojevskij instead

[britneyshakespeare]

Let slaves in mind be servile to their fears;

Our heart is high instarred in brighter spheres.

Fernando, IV.ii of Love's Sacrifice (1633) by John Ford

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

Books of 2024: KILLING FLOOR by Lee Child.

This isn't a genre I typically read; HOWEVER!: my dream agent was on an episode of the Writing Excuses podcast about beginnings, and they said this one is Very Good, so I borrowed my dad's paperback copy to give it a whirl.

I'm low-key hoping this will help me sort out some Genre Issues™ I suspect I'm having with a writing project, too, which is a nice added bonus! Excited to see how this goes.

[szczekaczz]

graduating really didn't make me feel anything huh

[giyuko]

playing with stickers is so funnnn!! 🪼🫧💿🛋️🩵

[bluebellhairpin]

Sighing bc I had the start of what could've been a great dream with erwin in it.

[lil-miss]

What was/is your favorite book series?

I feel like a parent being asked to choose who their favorite kid is lmao.

When I think of books that I keep re-reading I think of the The Immortals Quartet by Tamora Pierce in her Tortall universe. It was one of my first big fantasy novels I read as a kid/young teenager and I loved it. Daine is one of my favorite protagonists to this day.

When I think more generally I love LOTR even though I don’t re-read it often because of the length, but I just love the prose and detailed imagery. Reading Tolkien changed my writing style and I’d like to think I’m a better writing because of it.

[ratnamedlab]

I’m looking through Elliott’s dialogue to get him into character better, and I found this

“Oh dear! A tiny crab appears to have made his home in my shirt pocket. That's the trouble with living on the beach.”

Like? Canonically has shirt pockets? Farmer is going to take full advantage of that later.