#if i read a little everyday or try to
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so many books on my tbr and also so many books i have started but not finished and im thinking about reading dostojevskij instead
#yes it IS to get closer to theo#i felt this way when i read tgf last time too. and read like first 100 pages of the idiot actually but then stopped bc illiteracy etc#but im thinking i should take advantage of this desire to get to know my theo more personally and read some russian literature#just like he in turn read it to get closer to boris#swag#i should! im rlly close to finishing little women#eel book may wait#other books may wait as welll#and the goldfinch will be like my bible now i read it on a whole othr dimension#will keep it on my nightstand and read excerpts for the rest of my life wont stop me from reading other books#that is if i get it for my birthday (doubtful but i will wish for it). i only have the same library copy now as i had in 2019#(as in i borrowed again didnt steal it from the library promise) i never buy books but if i am to own one it should be this one#i read at a snails pace but want to read so many things this is difficult but lets not stress it should a fun thing not stressful#if i read a little everyday or try to#then 'completing books' and checking them off my list and feeling idk productive/accomplished or something doesnt matter#it will be like a lifelong open book instead#if that makes sense#that ill never be done with#and thats fun
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zonked out on the dog bed snoring up a storm. you come over and rub the soft spot on the top of my nose. i let out the most contented sigh
#blllllaggggh busiest doggy everyday of my life and i am exhausted#ye beware of sadposting ahead. more like just need to get thoughts out of my headposting yk. im ok just tired#friend said to me today 'youre always doing something these days jasper when do you rest?'#and i was like huh good question! i dont hahaha. damn#which is not a bad thing always. but my plate is incredibly full and i have no one to help me#im in a really good place. things are happening that ive wanted to happen for years. but i have no time to take care of me#and the ppl who are supposed to take care of me dont. and they let me down everytime i try to ask for it. which im used to#but it doesnt make it any easier. theres just not enough hours in the day and not enough energy in my little doggy body#i used to be able to push myself past the wall of exhaustion. but after my therapy program ik i just can not do that anymore#im really proud of myself. being an adult is hard. im doing everything right. but i just wish i had someone by my side to help me#anyways.#i am a very good boy#yapping#if youre reading this hi im just venting im fine. its just been a long day and i want someone to give me a head massage#jasperbarks
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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I'm seeing too many Greek mythology-related wars on Tumblr these days and I'm kinda scared.
Please send help QAQ
#everyday i open this website and see another argument going on and there are only more as i scroll#it's either about Epic and the Odyssey#or the Helen of Sparta's abduction controversial#or the good old Persephone's abduction controversial#or another retelling complain and GODS KNOW what else#okay you guys have your fun debating but i'm tired of seeing people getting angry over the myths all the time#i'm gonna retreat to my little corner and read stuff about my prince Hyacinthus#also please don't start war on this post i'm trying to run away from reality right now#greek mythology#The Pen explodes with ink
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i still cannot believe that people actually read my posts. case in point: i got this notification (from @tumblemumbler, thank you) and laughed until there were tears.
it's true: i want to take fox mulder to the zoo. i'm guilty as charged. i wanna point at some lions and be like "woah", and see if he thinks the lions are amazing, or if he tries to play it cool and deny that sense of wonder you get from seeing a magnificent beast. is it so wrong to want to take a full grown man out to see the Creatures, and then watch him enjoy the gift shop.......? to find a nice little novelty tie with the funniest animal from the day on it...? to say, hey fictional man, let's put aside that decades long quest for answers on the existence of aliens, and marvel at some otters splashing about... now wouldn't that be lovely?
#in my head this is just my little diary no one reads so going through tags and comments are sososo fun#because we are experiencing a Thing communally! which is the best!#and i have to say everyone has been SO kind and funny and helpful and great about how i'm trying to avoid spoilers#so thank you to everyone who comments or reblogs i have fun seeing your commentary on my commentary!!!#i also of course think scully should go to the zoo but it's just that mulder has that energy where i think he really needs it more#now scully on the other hand i think she needs to go to a museum. neeeeeed to hear her takes on modern art.#give her something to really think about and ponder the place of humanity now vs in the past. what it means to be alive. is it to create?#i know she would have a deep and profound reaction to seeing an everyday object from 3000 years ago and i want to share that with her#and with her litany of biology facts i think that there is no choice but to take her to the science museum to look at dinosaurs and dodos#you will not find all of these things in one museum which is why we need to go to a bunch of them#when i get further in y'all i WILL write a fic where our duo goes to a museum and also a zoo. i want to have a better characterization firs#like a beach episode level scenario. i'll look into real museums in the DC area in the 90's and everything.#we'll see. we'll get there <3
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periodic disclaimer that any mystra bashing on this blog is a joke and as far as forgotten realms lore goes i find her an interesting and enjoyable character. i would go as far as classify myself as a mystra enjoyer (although i do find her portrayal and presence in bg3 weak but thats not here nor there).
she is, still, the villain of gale's (back)story very specifically. i find it annoying that people who view it that way or who are critical of the relationship between her and gale (in a 'it was not a healthy good relationship' sense not in the sense that it shouldnt exist in the text because what) are labelled as hysterical and jealous mystra-hating fangirls ??? i mean ????? huh ????? whuh ????
#out of spell slots / ooc.#everyday im forced to read bad takes even though i try so hard to be a good person#anyway admittedly a part of my annoyance is the fact that i never self-insert even a little when i play games#so i take the insinuation that i ; me ; lare personally am jealous of mystra lowkey personally#like no yeah i adore gale we all know this. no i dont actually want to fuck him or wine and dine him myself.#and i find it a little weird that other people do actually get that way about fictional characters#but i fully get that thats a me thing lmao because i also dont get being into real people either#ANYWAY I DIGRESS being critical of mystra re: gale specifically is such a basic reading i dont??? understand the vehemence against it???#even if larian does fumble with them a lot they still exist in the context of the rest of the party and the game overall
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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i have polls now ;u;
#i still haven't drawn a non-turtle tot mikey and i probably should try#he's a little cutie#but also#there's an idea for an animation stuck in my head about them all being absolute gremlin children#but i've never made an animatic before#and i have like 3 stories i really wanna draw something for too#there's too much to do and not enough time *screams*#everyday i wake up and stare at the void of time and space#are you still reading these? why#i love you anyway#rottmnt poll
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.havign lots of thoughts about how npcs are portrayed learning about the nature of their universe in works
#.most of the feelings were thrown onto evan since like. i dunno feels like a lot of the works like that write the npcs as fi the npcs-#.are actually people from outside the game transported into the game and have points of refrence about this whole thing and react how ''rea#.people'' would react to learning that they were inside a video game#.when really the npcs would prolly react closer to just going yea okay. since that's their world. they have no other world. that's their#.universe. and now they ave a little bit more info about their own universe#.yea they could have an existencial crisis if they knew what it means but also like#.''ooooh that means that i'm not real'' uhm. yea they are. they still are. that world is real from their perspective and continues to be#.real even after the learn about this#.from OUR perspective they aren't! but from theirs? yea! they are!#.also it9 s not like they would instantly know everything about how video games work even if they had no prior knwledge of that#.why would they try to change the fact that they're made out of lines of code#.that's like being mad and wanting to change the fact that they're made out of atoms#.except in their case it's ones and zeros in a computer#.PLUS!!!!!!!!! IN SOME CASES!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT VIDEO GAMES OR COMPUTERS ARE!!!!!!!!!!#.IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT SORT OF WORLD THE VIDEO GAME PORTRAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#.IF THE WORLD HAS COMPUTERS IN THERE THEN THEY KNOW A LITTLE BIT MORE!#.IF THE WORLD IS MEDIVAL THEY WOULDN'T FUCKING KNOW SHIT!#.once again pointing at evan and how we threw bunch of our feelings about this onto her#.since like he grew up in a world post combine invasion and like. technoglogy isn't really the best#.like barely anyone has any access to it other than the combine and all that jazz#.so she doesn't know what video games are. maybe has heard of what computers are#.she learned about being in a video game but to him that's the same as learning how our solar system travels through the galaxy and physics#.it's just another little detail about the world thta may explain some things. or maybe it doesn't#.when facing with her code she sees it as her dna. yea she's reading it but she deson't understand a thing in it#.maybe some fragments maybe not#.just like how everyday people wouldn't know how to interpert dna if they already haven't studied about that subject#.and when him getting corrupted. she doesn't know what happened. he just knows that something did. but she can't do anything about it#.and instead just learn how to navigate the world with more difficulties#.like how one would with a pernament injury
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in another universe, i'd go over just to take a nap
#genuinely it's insane#it doesn't work anymore since he rejected me and even though we still text everyday#we don't send gn texts and when we do they're not as heartfelt as they used to be#(used to have little hearts or exclamation marks or be in a little gift box on insta and etc etc)#but i always slept a million times better when i got those little texts#and one time we called and i nearly fell asleep#and i still remember that night where i nearly fell asleep on his shoulder on the drive home#and i read this thing about how we always feel more tired with our partners bc of the serotonin being produced and idk if that's actually#true but. i see it#i always feel more comfortable and more sleepy around him and i feel safe enough to actually express it#whereas with everyone else i still have to mask and pretend i have more energy#but you have to understand that i am constantly exhausted and i sleep terribly no matter what i try#napping is an absolutely impossible feat#but i truly do believe that if i could nap with him then i would be fixed#blue screams into the void
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mental health just straight up plummeting
#toy txt post#everyday the smallest things have me spiralling into such stupid despair#constantly fighting myself cos every single thing has me wanting to throw up my hands and walk the fuck off bc theres bo point#whats the fucking point!! just despair and exhaustion and burned the fuck out and gnashing at the fucking walls and then spiralling into#a stupid little self pity self hate spiral cos im just a weak stupid little baby who cant handle the real world. plenty of ppl have it so#much worse and havent given up yet so whats my fucking problem? which is so stupid. but i cant logic my way out of this one#so i am simply sitting here feeling so god damn bad#and i dont even really have. a good reason for it. idk. like i dont have a lot of concrete quantifiable reasons i can present about why#i am so goddamn miserable at my job. im just. going insane i need out im performing badly its not worth it theres no fucking point#every day im fighting the urge to just fucking walk off over the stupidest tiniest things that are definitely not worth that kind of#reaction. like yea maybe i do need like mental health meds or smth but i also know. i need out of this fucking. job. but i dont know#like. idk its like my options are just kore of this same stupid bullshit or retail/food service. and like. shout out to retail and food#service. i fucking could not i fucking cannot. but like im reaching that point here too. everything hurts all the time with no reprieve and#all my options just feel like its gonna be ! even more stupid repetitive motions that wont help! like idk! idk what to do. i just#wanna read about stupid little fucking worms and fish but doing that professionally im not sure im up to it and#between me and that career path is thousands of dollars and homework. so#now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead#trying so hard not to display idk red flag behavior but im Going Insane. i should just start crying at work. why bother hiding it. whats the#point#vent#ig#i should go eat. and waste the rest of my stupid fucking night playing zelda trying to soothe my brain enough to function except im not#functjoning cos then itll be 5am again and ill have done nothing but play zelda and be up too late and go to bed and not get enough sleep#and be a little to a lot late and be miserable and the cycle just fucking never ends#not enough fucking podcasts about worms out there for this#i opened several academic papers on tongue eating isopods to cope and barely read them bc i cant do that at work it takes too long and i get#lost and my productivity is already in the shit and i need to stop being on my phone and i know that but like also if i dont fucking#distract my stupid fucking brain right fucking now im gonna start throwing things and crying#anyway. thats how im doing. bye
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rewatched in the soop 2 and now i have the its song stuck in my head... also restarting in the soop 1 :D life is fun fun fun
#idk i just. seventeen <3#they really make me want to? live?#ig#and i don't mean like 'oh i want to d*e' but like they make me want to have fun#to love#to be loved#to sing and to miss notes and to make bad jokes and to eat good food#and to cry a little to have deep convos and then tease someone to get into something to read a book#like they make me want to enjoy life to its fullest#to really and truly try to get everything good out of this world#and like. god only knows you can get lost with all the bad things in this world#and yet there is always#there is constantly something good happening#and my constant right now#is seventeen#theyre my something good i wake up to everyday#and you truly dont need a lot in life#some good people food music and id make it out on the other side#anyway. i love seventeen with my all heart and im grateful we live in the same world#im grateful i live in this world#(this is what goes on in my mind when i watch its)#(im an overthinker in case u didn't notice)#sammy's podcast
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my niece said something to me to yesterday that i can't stop thinking about, said that they were working on mother's day projects in class and she started making it for me before she remembered that im not her mom
#she said it really playfully and she found it funny#but while flattering i still feel a little guilty#because yknow she *has* a mom. who's actively in her life and who lives with her everyday of the week#im probably reading too much into it but it bummed me out a little#like she really should think about her mom on mother's day not me#mickey.txt#ive said it before but my sister in law is a good mom#she does try more to be her friend than her mom but overall she's nothing but loving and attentive#she helps her with her homework takes her to dance and gymnastics and helps her with her routines#like she does all the Mom things she's supposed to do and she does it well and proudly#like she isn't as firm as my family thinks she is but she is not a bad mother#i just hang out with my niece yknow?#like we watch cartoons together and i know fun trivia and i let her help me bake or garden#but outside of like giving her a look when she's giving her mom a hard time i don't really parent her#we are close but everyone agrees im like a big sister of an aunt yknow#like even my mom/her grandma is more of a mom to her than me#idk#again im probably reading too much into it#i just feel a little guilty
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;_; !!!
#terii.txt#my extra commentary in the tags bc saying it on the post a little embarrassing but gosh reading this made me burst into tears#both in my own personal situations and also thinking abt him#i think its a good reminder regardless if youre in a bad or good situation#i miss my friends a lot so much everyday and i try my best to spend time w them and do my best for them#also makes me think abt him and his life... that would make him say this and mean it so sincerely....#sorry this ones going on main bc idk. this isnt necessarily me thinking of him in a f/o way but just in general so yay#kabu#pokemon#pokemon masters#gym leader kabu#sorry. comfort character of all time. goddamn.
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ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(
#its not the end of the world like theyre not artists i LOVE love just ones i know and like a few tracks of#last year i had so much fun bc one of the artists there was an all time fave of mine. but yeah im not missing out on that this year#but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!!#and i was kind of looking forward to it. but i shouldve planned it further in advance if i was serious abt going#i just didnt think theyd BOTH play so late???? i swear they had an earlier schedule last year#i guess i could just go and mill around some of the shows earlier in the day even tho ive skimmed most of them on spotify and theyre-#not rly my thing. sigh#im v tired + starting to feel quite sad this evening for some specific reasons i dont really want to think much about bc it is what it is#so its hard to imagine going out and having fun tomorrow. maybe ill just aim to get my chores done instead and see how i feel after that#i might fix my bike up and check the other local climbing gym out bc i havent visited that one before and itd be nice to mix it up#and i need to go out on the bike at some point this weekend so i dont build up anxiety abt it after yesterdays crash. hmm#man. its hard trying to do things solely for my own enjoyment sometimes. im usually pretty ok at making myself do it#and im grateful that i am! but i think im just feeling quite lonely. and not in a way where being around other people rly helps#like its more of a core thing. i feel kind of unseen by people in my life at the moment and that makes me feel like im not quite real#and i dont really know what to do about that. i think its why im still on my discord hiatus i just dont really have anything to say rn#ive felt this intermittently throughout a lot my life i think. but most of the time i can distract myself from it enough not to notice it#and i put the effort in socially regardless + usually when im in the moment it doesnt matter. but the stretches inbetween those moments..#its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually#but yeah it just keeps nudging up against me bc im feeling every little misunderstanding and slight quite keenly atm#ahh.. well its okay. ive never really needed much anyway im good at taking care of myself and thats enough to get by#ill do something nice for myself this weekend one way or another. im gonna go take a long shower rn i think and then read a bit#ah and i said i didn't rly want to think about it! but i guess i did... well i feel like i exist a little more for typing it out anyway#okay yes shower time now :-)#.diaries#maybe someday ill have ppl in my everyday life who i do feel seen + safe around. a girl can dream.. i have a lot of work to do before then
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you follow another dosto fan online and just when you think youre safe BOOM. bsd
#everyday i irrationally hate bsd a little bit more#like. im glad that so many people are reading great works bc of an anime but at the same time cmonnnnn#im not even censoring bsd let the wild dogs at me i want all the bsdposters to block me LMAO#its so hard not to be pretentious on the internet im trying SO hard. i could be way meaner but im trying to be niceys#lee.txt#lit
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