#he trusts udina over not only you

[brekkie-e]

Cowards being too scared to hate Kaiden these days is a real shame ngl

[annalyticall]

Thoughts on Mass Effect 3 and Mass Effect Trilogy

Well. It's over.

I'll keep it real with you chief, Mass Effect 3 was by far my favorite of the three games. That might be controversial given what I know about the divisive endings (basically the only thing I knew before I started these games), but as a newcomer to the series, Mass Effect 3 had a lot of what I was looking for from the previous entries. I also realized that fundamentally I can't compare these games to Dragon Age because the truth is I still like the Dragon Age games more individually but I do like Mass Effect more as a unified trilogy.

Again, I played Shiv Shepard, colonist Sole Survivor, Sentinel, and Paragon. I played her with survivor's guilt in ME1, with a burning hatred of Cerberus for bringing her back from the dead (and for the Akuze thing) in ME2, and a mix of burning hatred of Cerberus and a survivor's guilt over Earth in ME3. I don't think I ever mentioned this but I intended Shiv to be Irish/Korean, full first name is Siobhan

You see that bit of red? Those are renegade points I got every time I talked to the Illusive Man.

Major Story Decisions: Continued relationship with Kaidan, let Mordin cure the genophage, killed Councilor Udina myself with Kaidan on my side, secured peace between the geth and quarians, killed the Illusive Man myself, and chose the Destroy ending (which I'll get into later). I entered the war with 8000 war assets and the only character deaths I saw were the scripted ones (Mordin, Thane, Legion, Anderson, presumably EDI). I also beat James' 182 pull-up record.

The Pros and Cons lists are a little tricky for this one since I found a lot of the good came with some bad and a lot of the bad came with some good, but I'll try to keep it all in neat bullet points.

Pros

Satisfying Ends. From Mordin curing the genocidal disease he helped perfect to the control-hungry Illusive Man driven crazy by the same control he sought to have, everyone gets a nice and neat bow on their character arcs that had been set up since the beginning, or at least since Mass Effect 2. Honestly, playing ME3 made me like ME2 more than I had before since I could now see the consequences of my actions on the characters I grew close with in the previous game. Speaking of...

Consequences. Moreso than Dragon Age, it's fun to see how much my choices from previous games impacted my experience throughout the trilogy following a single character and her friend group. Of course, it's not going to be perfect - I AM miffed that my major game-ending decisions of ME1 and ME2 like saving the council, rewriting the geth, and destroying the collector base ultimately resulted in very little change in the story. Weirdly, it was the lesser decisions that mattered most - keeping Wrex alive, preserving the cure data in Mordin's loyalty mission, not cheating on my ME1 love interest, resolving Legion's and Tali's hostility, and reuniting Thane with his son were all very effecting choices on my story since they all add up into a pool of possible outcomes rather than dichotomous decisions (it makes sense Kaidan might trust me a little less in an armed standoff if I cheated on him I guess lol). And I appreciate that even the minimal choices were at least represented as war assets.

Gameplay. ME3 had the best gameplay of all games by far. I think it's telling when I could spend over 3 hours in the combat center just trying out different modes. Unlike in ME2, I didn't feel as restricted in playstyle with the introduction of a bonus power and a healthier shield. My favorite bonus power was Aria T'Lok's Flare, a large biotic blast critical in any fight with bunched-up enemies. I'm glad I got that one early on because it helped me survive so much of the game.

It looks good. Not that I hated the graphics in the last two games, but this one had some nice cinematic angles, richer colors, and grander set designs that made it more immersive for me to get into.

Pace and Scope. ME3 really pulled off the feeling of scale in a galaxy-wide conflict. It didn't hold back with its bang of an opening as we survive the reapers attacking Earth within the first 10 minutes, then slowly we see these behemoth machines devastate every other alien homeworld and invade more of the map in each story arc until it culminates in a grand final stand. I was worried the game would, in a sense, "nerf" the reapers since it took so much to take down just one reaper in ME1 and a single half-built reaper in ME2, but although we kill many more reapers in ME3, each one is an earned spectacle that requires either a lot of combined firepower or a giant thresher maw to do the job. Side note, I do like the irony of my sole survivor Shepard getting saved by the thing that killed her whole squad in the past.

Romance and Friendships. Listen, I don't think I've praised a Bioware game on its romance since Dragon Age Origins (Alistair my beloved) and while this game is still a little sparse in the romance department, the DLCs more than make up for it with a lot of great content for the love interests. I enjoyed the flirty, lively banter and the cute domestic scene in the Citadel DLC (Kaidan my beloved), and how worried he was about Shepard's safety in the Leviathan DLC. But even outside those addons, I liked the quiet moment shared before the final Cerberus mission, and while I typically cringe at Bioware sex scenes, I found this one to be, uh... tolerable. The romance in ME3 felt like an oasis after the lonely desert I suffered through in the last game lol. As for friendships, I loved the little platonic dates you get to go on with your squadmates both in the base game and the Citadel DLC. I never felt closer to these characters than I have here.

Cons

Contrived Means. Although I enjoyed the satisfying ends to many subplots and character arcs, I didn't enjoy the somewhat forced means it took to get there. I can forgive the last-minute sabotage that doomed Mordin to die since ultimately the end it led to was most fitting for Mordin's story. However, I took issue with a lot of the geth/quarian buildup, mostly involving Legion and the reaper codes. To be honest, I LIKED the geth being a completely alien hivemind and existing as a neutral anomaly that takes effort to understand and accept in ME2. The focus of becoming an individual (the original question the geth asked was actually "do these units have a soul", not "does this unit have a soul" as ME3 claims) undermined what I thought was compelling about Legion and the geth in the first place. Also, Legion's sacrifice felt unnecessary, especially when the reason for the reaper code upload not working was flimsy. And don't even get me started on the Citadel...

The Citadel. Holy shit, what happened there? I'm not talking about the Citadel as a location - I liked exploring the Citadel more in this game than any of the other games - I mean the Citadel as a plot device. For one, I was very surprised to learn the Citadel was the Catalyst when it was already an important plot device in ME1, where it was revealed to be a secret reaper mass relay. Now it's the key to a giant super weapon against the reapers whose original designers are never specified? Okay? But my biggest issue was that it was inexplicably "moved" by the reapers in the last mission despite millions of people living on it, then we can use it to blow up the reapers, destroying the Citadel and I assume most people still on there, so we're basically condemning millions of people to die and never get to see the impact of that decision. Granted, this is not much different than the weird 300K Batarian mass murder Shepard commits in ME2, but the difference is that these people are people we knew and spent a good amount of time helping and building relationships with throughout the game. What happened to Captain Bailey? What happened to Kolyat? The game never bothers to address that.

Kai Leng. Now, I don't expect every character to be wonderfully fleshed out. I accepted Kai Leng was just a plot device to stand in the way of Shepard and her goals, but his presence still left a bad taste in my mouth. He's never mentioned in any of the previous games, then he's introduced here as having a badass reputation despite his best move being a shield. He is so painfully one-dimensional compared to literally any other character that killing him didn't even feel good. I think it would have been cool if Kai Leng was someone else, maybe a character scorned by Shepard in the past who wanted revenge. Or, he could have been another character revived by Cerberus and abandoned in favor of Shepard, which was hinted at in his video logs but wasn't completely followed through on. I guess maybe I just wanted it to be Evil Clone Shepard from the Citadel DLC because even she was more compelling. What a waste of Troy Baker.

Let Me Speak. It's complicated because I do think ME3 has some of the strongest dialogue in the series (I didn't have the same jarring Talk No Jutsu problem as I did in ME1 because even when you're talking down a literal war, the dialogue feels earned and natural). However, the cutscenes went on noticeably longer without any input from the player character. It was frustrating since I felt like sometimes Shepard was railroaded into saying or doing something I wouldn't have chosen to do otherwise, but so is the burden of being a finale, I suppose.

Femshep Romance. Listen. I like Kaidan's romance. I like Garrus' romance. I like Liara's romance. If you chose to romance any of them in your playthrough like I did, that's great! You get a good romance. But if you're playing femshep and don't choose those 3 options... you don't. Thane dies early-ish in ME3 (which, I mean, I guess that could be good if you like inevitable tragedy) and Jacob cheats on you (which is terrible and I have NEVER seen in a video game romance before). And if you want to romance a girl? You get Liara or some minor side character, and that's it. You don't get Tali, Ashley, Jack, Miranda, or any of the several other female options that male Shepard has access to. Even in ME3, a male Shepard can romance Kaidan if they want a male companion to romance. Ashley doesn't get the same bi treatment. It's kinda sad just how limited femshep's options are for romance compared to their male counterpart.

The Synthesis Ending. Yes, I chose the Destroy Ending for rather complicated reasons that I will get into, but after watching the outcome of the other endings, I have a bone to pick with Synthesis. I discuss my opinion on the endings in a later section if you want to skip to that.

The DLC

Omega. It was fun. Not much more I can really say. I liked Nyreen as a character (and it was nice to finally meet a female turian) but I also felt her sacrifice was rather hollow. Aria grew on me and I was able to get her to spare Oleg at the end, but really, the shining star of this DLC was earning her Flare ability.

Leviathan. It's a double-edged sword because while I liked the expansion of reaper lore (and the extra dialogue with the LI and EDI) I also think that overexplaining the reaper backstory ruined a bit of their mystique. It also had strange implications for the ending, as the reaper AI explains its purpose in a more convoluted and obfuscated way than the Leviathan does, so it adds to the frustration of the limited ending dialogue choices given to call the reaper AI out on its vague statements.

Citadel. This is possibly the best DLC of any game I have ever played, I'm serious. With the exception of maybe Trespasser from Dragon Age Inquisition, never have I thought a DLC was so perfect for the story it was accompanying. Granted, I think the idea of taking forced shore leave is a little laughable when the fate of the galaxy is at stake, but I digress, the DLC was near perfect otherwise. It had fun in-jokes, meaningful time to spend with squadmates past and present, great scenes with the love interest, and, yes, I did spend 3 hours in the combat simulator just to get the rare One and Only achievement. And that pistol? It was the only thing keeping me from dying to brutes and banshees during the last Earth mission. I am not exaggerating when I say most of my enjoyment of this game actually comes from this DLC, and I consider its bittersweet ending to be the real ending for Mass Effect.

The Squad (including past Squad members)

Kaidan. Once again, I am listing the squadmates in relative order of how much I liked them, and Kaidan skyrocketed to the top within the last 30% of the game. I mean, I had to like him enough to romance him in ME1, but ME2 made me sour toward him, and even at the beginning of this game I was a little bitter that he was still so prickly about Shepard's forced involvement with Cerberus. However, after the hospital and the initial awkwardness of rekindling a strained relationship, I fell in love with his character all over again. He's not quite as deep as the other characters, true, but his human and down-to-earth presence is SO needed in a cast of complicated and eccentric aliens, and the random things he says are some of the only things I ever laugh at in this game. It almost makes me grateful for the mid-series break, because, for all the frustration, the relationship feels earned by the end. He might not surpass Alistair for top Bioware romance for me, but he comes close. Also, the unconditional reassurance he gives once realizing Shepard had actually been clinically dead and may not have been completely the same when she was rebuilt by Cerberus was so nice to get after the accusatory headache that was the Horizon mission in ME2.

Garrus. Admittedly, I don't think Garrus adds much to the narrative of ME3. Even when helping me cure the turian-ordered genophage he doesn't have much stake in the story, and then he has almost none after the genophage is cured. But that doesn't really matter when his purpose is actually just to be Shepard's rock. He is such a good friend and his presence is so comforting that I wish I could take him on every mission even if he's got nothing relevant to say. His farewell to Shepard at the end was the only other farewell besides Kaidan's that made me tear up. Shepard said it best: there is no Shepard without Vakarian.

Tali. I still love Tali, but she was shafted a bit by the lack of screen time she had in this game. It's a shame that she comes to the crew so late, although I guess it's understandable given that she's an admiral now. Still, I loved seeing her wistfulness as she dreamed of her new home on Rannoch, and her time in the Citadel DLC was very fun.

Mordin. Despite his fourth-place ranking on the list, I think Mordin is THE best-written character in Mass Effect. He has one of if not the best character arcs, and he's so likable that I can't not love Professor War Crimes. His singing as the building was falling down around him... it was so sad but a perfect way for him to go.

EDI. Her earnest and heartfelt quest to understand what it means to be human was endearing to me, and her relationship with Joker was great. I brought her along most times if Garrus or Kaidan didn't make sense to take. I am heartbroken that my chosen ending means her death, but it was a sacrifice I still decided to make, especially after she said she was willing to give her life to save the person she loved.

Liara. While I like Liara, I still feel like there's something missing in her character that I can't quite put my finger on. That said, I like the friendship she has with Shepard. There's an implication to their interactions that suggest she never stopped having romantic feelings for Shepard even after I turned her down in ME1, but I like how she still wants to be a close friend to her rather than be bitter about it.

Thane. I think the story did him justice, giving him a pivotal role to play in the amount of time he had left. The prayer read as he was dying sincerely touched me. He wasn't my favorite in ME2 but ME3 gave him a boost for me.

Legion. Despite some inconsistencies I noticed in his writing, I still like my little robot guy. RIP, buddy, sorry your sacrifice was kind of for nothing.

Grunt. Similar to Thane, ME3 (and especially the Citadel DLC) made me like Grunt more than I did upon his introduction to the series. He wasn't as important, but his enthusiastic welcome and his "last stand" made me feel like a proud mama.

Samara. I liked Samara enough in ME2 to try to flirt with her, so I was excited to see her again in this game, but unfortunately, she didn't have much to do. Then again, she doesn't really need to, given that her arc is to accept being a mother to her remaining child rather than her jailor. I still felt like there was lingering unspoken sexual tension between her and Shepard though...

Wrex. It was good to see Wrex again, and I sincerely love how the game portrays his openness to cooperation as the key to saving his people.

James. I feel like James fulfilled the Krogan Companion role for me in this game, which is: I like him, but not enough to bring him anywhere. His flirting was rather alarming to me at first since I had every intention of reuniting with Kaidan and didn't want to turn James down so early, but when it became clear that he wasn't serious about any of it, I liked playing along, though really femshep doesn't have a choice in the matter.

Javik. Don't get me wrong, Javik is incredibly interesting and I think he's a critical companion to take on a lot of missions because the Prothean perspective is so unique and necessary in some instances (seriously, how did Liara not realize her goddess looked suspiciously similar to Javik). As a person, though, my Paragon Shepard didn't really gel with him. Also, my Shepard is rather sentimental and values memories, so I may have accidentally doomed Javik to a tragic post-game death with that memory shard. Oops.

Kasumi. Speaking of dooming people with memories! I told Kasumi to keep her lover's memories last game, which felt meaningful to my Shepard at the time since it happened before Horizon and I was still playing a lovesick Shepard who missed Kaidan and could empathize with her situation. That was, uh, maybe not the right call to make, and I'm a little sad that I basically condemned Kasumi to waste away her life reliving the past.

Miranda. I don't really have a lot to say about Miranda. She lived in my game, and I thought it was a good end for her character to finally fight back against her father. But she is rather bland to me, and I almost wish they kept her the cold-hearted bitch she was introduced as, just more sympathetic. You know, kinda like...

Jack. I like Jack A LOT more in this game than in ME2. I think putting her in a teacher role was a perfect decision that displays her impressive growth as a person and her ability to overcome her traumatic past to give future generations of biotics a better life. However, she is still Jack, and her inherent abrasiveness meant I always felt like I was walking on eggshells picking dialogue options with her.

Jacob. Unlike almost everyone else on this list, I downgraded Jacob. I didn't mind him so much when I was playing, really - I liked that he was having a baby and that meant he would get the chance to be a better father than his own was, and I liked the little get-together I had with him in the Citadel DLC. I thought he was still a little boring but nothing offended me. After learning he can cheat on femshep though? Yikes, dude.

Zaeed. I wouldn't say I hated him as I did in ME2. He was just... there.

Miscellaneous. I liked Samantha Traynor MUCH more than I liked Kelly Chambers, so I was glad to see her fill the role. She was resourceful and a bit awkward but not annoyingly so. Let's just say, if I was actually in the ME universe, I'd probably be Traynor. Steve Cortez was also a great addition. I grew to care about him a lot, and I'm glad Bioware gave us a face for the person driving our shuttle around lol. Diane Allures is, uh... there. Dr. Chakwas and Joker are great as always. That goes without saying.

THE ENDINGS

I want to preface this by saying I thought the ending before the ending, aka the Illusive Man standoff, was well done. I was a renegade every time I talked to him, meaning for my last action I was able to shoot him point blank and he was able to give an ending speech about how he wished Shepard saw the Earth as he did. I thought this was an interesting angle for my Shepard to take since she was so Paragon in ME1 that she was able to talk Saren down. Having the ability to do the same with the Illusive Man and not taking it gave me the chance to show some growth in my Shepard, finally willing to put her foot down and abandon the moral high ground when dealing with the person who both resurrected and ruined her life.

Now to the final endings. I will not be discussing the Control ending, as I immediately dismissed it as a possibility. It was what the Illusive Man wanted, and if my Shepard was anything, she was staunchly contrarian to Illusive Man's ideology. That's to say nothing of what I think of it, which is - eh. I think it's a good ending for a renegade Shepard, and possibly a paragon Shepard that wasn't as anti-Illusive Man as mine was. Still, the other two endings are what I want to talk about.

I will also not be calling the reaper AI the Star Child because I think it's misleading. To me, the child-like appearance seemed like a ploy to appeal to Shepard, and I didn't want to forget that this is essentially the same AI that appeared on the Arrival DLC asteroid I hurtled into a mass relay just to tell me he was going to destroy me. With that in mind, when he gave me my options and explained what synthesis would mean, I took a long, long time deliberating on what to do. The game presents this option as the unquestioningly best one to take. After all, it's the hardest ending to obtain, it's the option the reaper AI clearly favors, and it's the default platform you're standing on when it comes time to choose.

But here's the problem: if I were Shepard, even a paragon Shepard, even a Shepard who loves EDI and respects the geth, as mine did, I would not choose Synthesis. Because I can't trust that what he says would happen. I asked him why it would work this time around when all their other attempts at synthesis were horrific failures, and all he said was "they were not ready. You are ready." Even for a seemingly all-knowing AI, that's not enough to convince me to fling my body into a particle beam and potentially give up on this one and only chance to stop the reapers for good. Of course, as a player, I can use context clues to know that it WOULD happen. I'm playing a video game after all, and this choice is presented honestly to the player. But I decided to think as Shepard at that moment, not as myself.

He's also... wrong. He says conflict with synthetic life is inevitable, but it isn't. My Shepard knows this. She obtained peace between the quarians and the geth, and she's watched as EDI grew into her own kind and compassionate human consciousness. So while it sucks that they will have to die in the destroy ending, I ultimately chose it because 1) my Shepard can actually see it happen and know that she sacrificed her life for something real, not just a promise of what could happen, 2) destroying the reapers was what the whole galaxy unified to do and they didn't agree to anything else, and 3) destroying the reapers gives organic life a second chance to live and learn from their mistakes and to do better by synthetic life in the future. Maybe, in the wake of Shepard's sacrifice, the galaxy would see that they can work together, and ensure any future synthetic life will never be abused as the geth were.

But there was another reason I didn't choose Synthesis: it didn't make sense. I'm not talking about its practical application, although the space magic it takes to imbue technology into the DNA of every living organism in the galaxy is a little hard to stomach even by Mass Effect standards. I'm talking about its thematic purpose. Throughout all of Mass Effect, the main message has been that working together and sympathizing with people fundamentally different from you is critical to making positive change in the universe, DESPITE the differences. Synthesis, as a solution, is suggesting that conflict is inevitable until you ERASE the differences. This isn't letting people take the time and effort necessary to truly learn about and understand others, this is a no-effort solution that negates that very core theme. It's like saying there would be no conflict in the world if everyone on Earth were of the same race and nationality, because, one, that isn't true, and two, that solution erases so many beautifully diverse cultures that would have existed otherwise. To me, the Destroy ending allows the galaxy to rebuild what was lost while preserving most of the diversity that is so important to keep, especially since the diversity that was lost, namely the geth, theoretically CAN be rebuilt.

There's also another thematic problem: the conflict between synthetics and organics was not the main conflict in Mass Effect. Sure, it took up a lot of screen time in ME1, but it always felt secondary to the conflict between all other organics. There were tensions between the alien council species and the humans, there was tension between the krogan and the turians and salarians, there was tension between humans and humans, there was tension everywhere you looked. Your role was to be a mediator, a shepherd. You guided the people toward a better understanding of themselves and others, and by doing that, you were able to achieve impossible things together. Synthetic life was only a piece of that puzzle. But by making the conflict ONLY about synthetics and organics, it undermines the things we learned about other organics. If this solution was only meant for the quarians and humans, maybe it would make sense - these species have already achieved AIs that they could come into conflict with. But WHY should I make this decision for the krogan, an alien species not even close to developing AI advanced enough to go to war with? Why is it fair to them that I'm rewriting their DNA to ensure they never see a war that they might have never seen anyway? Haven't they already seen enough outside meddling in their bodily autonomy?

So I chose Destroy. And since I had enough war assets, I was able to avoid mass devastation, and somehow Kaidan seems to think Shepard is still alive. Oh, look, I guess she is. Not sure how that's possible, but I'll take slim hope. Overall, I was satisfied with my ending, although I was sad that I had to deny life to the synthetics that wanted it.

Then I watched the Synthesis ending and saw that it was basically perfect. Besides Shepard dying, everything is just better. Everyone understands each other now, there's no more disease, no more death, EDI is alive, and apparently, everyone is just cool with their new DNA. It was a utopia. And I thought that kinda went against everything I saw in Mass Effect. Sure, there are good choices, and some are definitely better than others, but rarely should there be perfect or easy choices. I'm not saying Synthesis should be a bad ending, by all means, make it a good one. Make it the best one, even. But it shouldn't be perfect. Maybe some people are upset that they were genetically altered against their will (hell, my Shepard had an existential crisis about this after learning how she was resurrected by Cerberus, and it's not a fate she would have imposed on anyone anyway). Maybe the husks and other synthetics that were once organics live a hellish existence in between existences and can never reconcile with their living loved ones. I dunno, something. Like I said before: thematically, it doesn't follow what was learned in the narrative, and therefore should not be the perfect solution to problems that the solution had nothing to do with.

I want to stress that I'm not judging anyone who chose the Synthesis ending. I deliberated it a long time for a reason: it is a promising conclusion if you want to avoid Control and you want to save EDI and the geth. I totally understand that. I just think the way that choice is presented and executed by Bioware is clunky and counterproductive to the narrative. I've also seen people dismiss the Destroy ending as genocide, and I won't argue that. It IS genocide, if you consider synthetics a valid form of life in this game, as I did. But I chose it anyway because doing so would stop the reapers who were the Ultimate Genocide Machines, and if there was any situation where genocide could be justified to stop genocide, uh, I guess that would be it. Sure, Synthesis would finally give organics a chance to understand and cooperate with the reapers, but that is only on the basis that everyone fundamentally change themselves at the request of the reapers under threat of mutual annihilation. The reapers had made no effort to truly understand and sympathize with organics outside of their one-sided conversations with Shepard until this point, so I didn't really feel bad I was killing them all, to be honest with you.

Okay, so, those were my thoughts on Mass Effect. This took a whole day to write. As frustrated as some parts of the game made me, I loved the rest, and I'm very glad I played it. Giving it a score like the other parts feels wrong, since I know now it's all part of a whole, but if I had to give it one, I'd say 8.5/10. I'll be missing my crew for some time, I think. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my thoughts on this franchise!

Now onto Andromeda...

[octerminal]

Avoiding the ME1 LI Romances

...And also what to do if you’ve already triggered them.

This is a post I’ve been wanting to remake forever, and with the remaster around the corner I thought now was a good time to finally get on it.

A few things first: I say “avoiding the ME1 LI romances”, but in reality this is mostly going to be about Kaidan and Ashley. While there are a few ways around Liara’s romance I’ve discovered, I have never been able to find a simple way to avoid triggering it. (I’ll get to that later.)

This post will be split into three sections: Kaidan, Ashley, and Liara. Kaidan and Ashley’s sections specifically will go over how to avoid triggering their romances entirely, and then the dialogue choices you need to take if you want to end the romance if it’s already been triggered. I have also included a few bonus things for the both of them, such as avoiding the flirting during the scenic view cutscene in the Citadel Wards. For Kaidan specifically, I have also included content about his mechanics in ME3.

Please note that most of these have been accomplished on console. I have gotten several PC users who do attest that, at the very least, Kaidan’s portion works for them. But on the off-chance that platform influences other parts of Kaidan’s, or Ashley and Liara’s, I thought it was worth mentioning. It should also be said that, obviously, these are all using the original games as a basis, though I am not expecting MELE to change any of this.

I will also be using both my Kaidan transcript and Ashley transcript as reference for their dialogue. I recommend following along there if you find Tumblr’s formatting confusing.

Final note before we begin: this post is not an open invitation to hate on any of these characters. ME1 is turning 14 this year and ME3 recently turned 9. Anything you have to say about these characters and their romance mechanics has already been beaten to death, brought back to life, and beaten to death again. No one wants to hear it, least of all me. Please keep your comments to yourself and be civil.

KAIDAN

“I WANT TO AVOID TRIGGERING IT ENTIRELY, WHAT DO I DO?”

Kaidan’s romance can be triggered after the first main mission has been completed. For many players, I imagine this is Therum, but it really doesn’t matter which mission it is.

Kaidan will prompt the conversation, as he will for every other post-main mission conversation so long as his romance remains active. This conversation will be about his time at Brain Camp. You can read the conversation in his transcript if you find it easier to follow along, though I have done my best to format this post as cleanly as possible.

KAIDAN: Commander, do you have a minute?

SHEPARD: (You can choose whatever dialogue option you want. It makes no difference yet.)

KAIDAN: Off the record, I think there’s something wrong here. This Saren is looking for records on some kind of galactic extinction, but we can’t get backup from the Council? Sorry, Commander. There’s writing on the wall here, but someone isn’t reading it.

SHEPARD: (Again, you may choose whatever dialogue option you want. It still makes no difference yet.)

>FIRST CHANCE TO AVOID THE ROMANCE<

KAIDAN: I hear ya. It - It just seems like a group that’s been around as long as the Council should see this coming. It’s funny. We finally get out here and the final frontier was already settled. And the residents don’t even seem impressed by the view...or the dangers.

SHEPARD (Renegade - Zip it, Lieutenant.): I’m sure your letters home are very poignant. Just keep this kind of sentimentality out of the CIC.

KAIDAN: Yes, ma’am. Sorry to have wasted your time. I’m right about the mission, though. I know it. (The conversation will end here and his romance will not trigger.)

>SECOND CHANCE TO AVOID THE ROMANCE<

SHEPARD (Paragon - Cute way to look at it./Neutral - An old-fashioned view.): Well, well. You’re a romantic. Did you sign on “for the dream,” Alenko? Secure man’s future in space?

KAIDAN: Heh, yeah, I read a lot of those books when I was a kid. Where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of a woman he loves. Or, you know. For justice. Maybe I was a romantic in the beginning. But I thought about it after Brain Camp - ah, sorry, “Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training.” I’m not looking for “the dream.” I just want to do some good. See what’s out here. Sorry if I got too informal. Protocol wasn’t a big focus back in BAaT.

SHEPARD (Renegade - Just be ready.): I trust you won’t have any questions when whatever’s coming hits the fan?

KAIDAN: None. I’m not questioning the mission. I’m just concerned. Sorry to have wasted your time, ma’am. It won’t happen again. (The conversation will end here and his romance will not trigger.)

The final chance to cut off Kaidan’s romance before it triggers happens after Shepard asks him about Brain Camp. This opens up a lot of investigation options and you may exhaust all of them. If you want to avoid hearing Kaidan imply that he thinks your Shepard is attractive, avoid the “Time to talk, then./Time to “get physical,” then.” investigation options. Once Kaidan is done speaking about Brain Camp, you will get one final chance to avoid his romance.

>THIRD CHANCE TO AVOID THE ROMANCE<

KAIDAN: Anyway. This was supposed to be a casual debrief, not a bull session about stuff that happened years ago.

SHEPARD (Renegade - You’re right.): I pretty much gave up waiting for the good part.

KAIDAN: Bad habit, ma’am. I do tend to run off at the mouth. I will work on it for my next review. Sorry to have wasted your time, ma’am. It won’t happen again. (The conversation ends and his romance does not trigger.)

You will notice all of these are renegade options. There is literally no way around this if you want to avoid triggering Kaidan’s romance. You don’t get any renegade points from them, and Kaidan does not treat you negatively in the ensuing post-main mission talks.

Here is an easy way to tell if Kaidan’s romance remains active. Conversations between him and Shepard will end like this:

SHEPARD: We’ll talk later, Kaidan.

KAIDAN: I’d like that.

“I’VE ALREADY TRIGGERED IT, HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS?”

The good news is that getting out of the romance is fairly simple. The game gives you a lot of opportunities before it triggers the love triangle with Liara (assuming her romance has also been triggered, anyway).

If Kaidan’s romance was triggered, you will have an opportunity at the beginning of his second and third post-main mission talks. These are a bit more complex to transcribe, so I really recommend just reading them in my transcription if you need the exact dialogue options to understand.

But the gist: You can’t go wrong with choosing the renegade dialogue options. This is always the dialogue option that will end his romance. You are almost never going to end his romance with a paragon or neutral dialogue option. He will always prompt this conversation by wondering if he’s gotten his signals mixed up, if there’s someone else you’d rather spend time with, if he’s being too casual, etc. Once he does this, just shoot him down with a renegade dialogue option.

Again: you get no renegade points from this. He will not treat you negatively in the ensuing post-main mission talks.

Here is an example. This one occurs in his second post-main mission talk if Liara’s romance hasn’t been triggered:

KAIDAN: I’m just saying...try to leave yourself a way out. I’ve seen what cutting corners can do and I’d hate to have that happen to you, Shepard. Commander.

SHEPARD (Renegade - I don’t need approval.): I’m your commanding officer, Alenko. Are you questioning the way I handle things?

KAIDAN: No, Commander. Just concerned about the reception of the brass if things go sour. I apologize for bringing it up. I know we’re getting the job done.

SHEPARD: (You can choose whatever response you like; they all lead to the romance ending.)

If you have repeatedly not broken off the romance with Kaidan after a certain point and Liara’s romance is also active, it will trigger the love triangle scene. This is one of the last points you have to break off Kaidan’s romance, but it will lock you into Liara’s romance instead. If you are wanting a no-romance run, I recommend choosing one of the other options instead.

There is also a separate way to end the romance outside these three opportunities. In the third post-main mission talk, you must pick the dialogue option that triggers the argument that can “renegade” Kaidan’s opinion on the Council. You must not choose the charm or intimidate option here, and you must then pick the renegade dialogue options. The conversation should go like this:

KAIDAN: So yeah, I hated that turian. But he wasn’t “a turian” to me. He was Vyrnnus.

SHEPARD (Renegade - All turians are the same.): You can’t deny the turians are imperialists. And the asari, the salarians - they’re manipulators.

KAIDAN: Shepard, I outgrew the blame game years ago. If the Alliance is missing its chance, it’s because of men like Udina. Not the rest of the galaxy holding it back.

SHEPARD (Renegade - I’m not so sure.): When anyone out here listens to us, the Council starts up with their treaties and heel-dragging. We can only rely on ourselves.

KAIDAN: We’re not doing the galaxy any favors if we try to force our way into a seat at the grown-up table. They aren’t - malicious. They’re just slow to change. My story doesn’t get any better if Vyrnnus is a good guy.

SHEPARD (Renegade - Whose side are you on?): I don’t need you kissing the Council’s asses, too.

KAIDAN: Look, Shepard. You’re in command, and we’ll all follow your lead. But don’t ream me out for having an opinion. I thought we respected each other more than that.

SHEPARD (Renegade - I can’t respect this.): I can’t believe you’d side with aliens over your own kind. I think we’re done here.

KAIDAN: Yeah, I think we are. It’s--It’s too bad we...It’s just too bad, Commander.

This argument will end his romance. He will also not be renegaded. This is obviously a much more convoluted way to end his romance, but I’m throwing the option out there because it’s 1) hilarious, and 2) way more dramatic, if you want to roleplay ending the romance for whatever reason.

MISCELLANEOUS

Depending on the dialogue options you take for the scenic view on the Citadel, Kaidan will always flirt with you. This does not lock you into, or even trigger, his romance. It is entirely possible to not have him flirt with you at all in this scene, and still initiate the romance later. But if you do not want him to flirt with you, simply do this:

[image ID: ME1’s subtitles showing Ashley saying “Or maybe they just don’t like humans.” with the dialogue wheel below it giving the following dialogue choices, starting from the top: “What’s not to like?”, “Let’s move out.”, and “That’s enough, you two.” end ID]

When you get to this part of the scenic view cutscene, choose any dialogue option but the top “What’s not to like?” one.

Also, even if you’ve already avoided or shut down Kaidan’s romance, Liara will still ask if there’s something between the two of you if her romance is active. Tell her that there isn’t (because there isn’t). Her saying this does not re-trigger Kaidan’s romance.

Congratulations, you have now survived ME1’s romance mechanics. Enjoy experiencing unromanced Kaidan for the rest of the game.

ME3 BONUS: “OKAY, WHAT ABOUT HIM FLIRTING WITH ME IN THE HOSPITAL THOUGH?”

I have tested both of these personally multiple times and they have always worked for me, but again: see my warning about different platforms at the beginning of this post. If it doesn’t work for you, please let me know.

If you have not romanced Kaidan previously: don’t buy him the alcohol as a present. That’s it.

If you have romanced Kaidan previously: on Mars, tell him your relationship is over. It is a renegade dialogue option, but it is necessary to avoid the flirtation in the hospital. This route also means that you can buy him the alcohol and he will still not flirt with you.

Please note that going renegade on Mars does not lock you out of his romance. It merely prevents him from assuming you’re interested during your hospital visit.

ME3 BONUS: “OKAY, WHAT ABOUT HIS APOLLO’S PROPOSITION THOUGH?”

This only happens if you have not locked in your romance with your preferred love interest first. For Garrus, this is the bottle shooting date. For Tali and Traynor, it’s inviting her up to your cabin. For Liara and Miranda, it’s her Presidium date. So on and so forth.

This means there is no way around it if you romanced Jacob or Thane and do not want to pursue a different romance after them. If you do get this scene: again, just turn him down. It is never brought up again. He does not act like he’s in love with you going forth. You will get his unromanced date in the Citadel DLC, as well as his unromanced London goodbye.

ASHLEY

“I WANT TO AVOID TRIGGERING IT ENTIRELY, WHAT DO I DO?”

Ashley’s romance can be triggered after the first main mission has been completed. For many players, I imagine this is Therum, but it really doesn’t matter which mission it is.

Ashley will prompt the conversation, as she will for every other post-main mission conversation so long as her romance remains active. This conversation will be about her concerns about the aliens aboard the Normandy.

Note: Ashley has one less opportunity to avoid triggering her romance in the first post-main mission talk compared to Kaidan. You may also read the conversation in her transcript if you find it easier to follow along, though I have done my best to format this post as cleanly as possible.

ASHLEY: Commander. You have a minute to talk?

SHEPARD: (You can choose whatever dialogue option you want. It makes no difference yet.)

ASHLEY: I know things are different aboard the Normandy, but - I'm concerned about the aliens. Vakarian and Wrex. With all due respect, Commander, should they have full access to the ship?

SHEPARD: (Again, you can choose whatever dialogue option you want. It still makes no difference yet.)

>FIRST CHANCE TO AVOID THE ROMANCE<

ASHLEY: This is the most advanced ship in the Alliance Navy. I don't think we should give them free reign to poke around the vital systems. Engines. Sensors. Weapons.

SHEPARD (Side - You're out of line!): That's enough, Chief. You always second-guess your superiors?

ASHLEY: Sir! No, sir! I'm sorry. I was out of line. I'll get back to my duties, Commander. (The conversation will end and her romance will not trigger.)

If you do not pick the above option, Ashley will elaborate her stance further until you get to the dialogue wheel with the second (and final) chance to avoid her romance.

>SECOND CHANCE TO AVOID THE ROMANCE<

ASHLEY: My family's defended the Alliance since it was founded. My father, my grandfather, my great-grandmother - they all picked up a rifle and swore the Oath of Service. I guess we just tend to think of Earth's interests as our own.

SHEPARD (Renegade - Just shut up.): I expect you to keep your family politics to yourself, Chief. The mission will be difficult enough without you picking fights with aliens.

ASHLEY: Aye, aye, Commander. (The conversation will end and her romance will not trigger.)

Note: You can still pick the investigation dialogue options that discusses her service and family history. You just have to pick the renegade dialogue option outlined above afterward, instead of any other option.

Like with Kaidan, you do not get any renegade points for picking this option and Ashley does not treat you negatively in the ensuing post-main mission talks.

Here is an easy way to tell if Ashley’s romance remains active. Conversations between her and Shepard will end with the following:

SHEPARD: We'll talk later, Williams.

ASHLEY: Looking forward to it, sir.

“I’VE ALREADY TRIGGERED IT, HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS?”

Admittedly, you have fewer easy opportunities to end Ashley’s romance than you do Kaidan’s, and most of the early game ones require Liara’s romance also being active. You are still offered multiple different opportunities out before the game ends, however.

If Ashley and Liara’s romances are both triggered, you will have an opportunity at the beginning of Ashley’s second and third post-main mission talks to end the romance. The gist is the same as Kaidan’s: You can’t go wrong with choosing the renegade dialogue options. This is always the dialogue option that will end her romance. You are almost never going to end her romance with a paragon or neutral dialogue option. She will always prompt this conversation by bringing up your relationship with Liara. Once she does this, just shoot her down.

Again: you get no renegade points from this. She will not treat you negatively in the ensuing post-main mission talks.

In both the second and third post-main mission talks, the conversation will go something like:

ASHLEY: Surprised to see you here, sir. Thought you’d be chatting up what’s-her-name. T’Soni.

SHEPARD: (Pick the neutral or renegade dialogue option here; they both lead to the same dialogue branch.)

ASHLEY: Scuttlebutt says you’ve got a bit of a thing for her. I could understand why. The crew’s off-limits, with the regs against fraternization. And at least she looks like a woman.

SHEPARD: (Pick the neutral or renegade dialogue option here. They both end the romance.)

One of the easier exceptions to this that doesn't require Liara’s romance being active is in the second post-main mission talk when Ashley gets Sarah’s vid-mail. It will go like this:

SARAH: - Oh, before I go. You said you’re serving with Commander Shepard now? We saw him on the news here. He’s cute! Later, sis.

ASHLEY: Tell me you didn’t hear that.

SHEPARD (Renegade - That’s unprofessional.): I don’t need to tell you it’s inappropriate to gossip about how “cute” your commanding officer is.

ASHLEY: No, sir. You don’t. Sorry about that. It won’t happen again. (Conversation and romance ends.)

Please note, however, that this will lock you out of the remainder of the conversation and you will not learn about Ashley’s family.

If you have repeatedly not broken off the romance with Ashley after a certain point and Liara’s romance is also active, it will trigger the love triangle scene. This is one of the last points you have to break off Ashley’s romance, but it will lock you into Liara’s romance instead. If you are wanting a no-romance run, I recommend choosing one of the other options instead.

There is also a separate way to end the romance outside these three opportunities. In the third post-main mission talk, you must pick the dialogue option that triggers the argument that can “paragon” Ashley’s opinion on the Council. You must not choose the charm or intimidate option here, and you must then pick the renegade dialogue options. The conversation should go something like this:

ASHLEY: But hey, once we save the galaxy, maybe the Alliance will get its act together. Start acting like an actual government.

SHEPARD (Paragon - The Alliance is all right.): The Alliance isn’t perfect, but it does well enough.

ASHLEY: Have to disagree with you there, skipper. Giving aliens the run of our most advanced ship? Kowtowing to the Council?

SHEPARD (Paragon - It’s not like that.): The Alliance should be able to stand on is own. We can’t. Yet. Why not learn from the races that have been standing for the last thousand years?

ASHLEY: How can you say that, given everything we’ve seen out here? They’re already acting like Saren is our problem. Already siccing us on the bear. The Council races will always think of themselves first. It’s - human nature. We can’t afford to trust them. Not if the survival of humanity is on the line.

SHEPARD (Renegade - I’ve heard enough.): Whatever feelings I might have for you, we have to work with the Council. I can’t let you second-guess our superiors.

ASHLEY: Shepard, I’m a soldier. You’re my commander. If you give me an order, I’ll follow it. I don’t expect you to treat me differently from anyone else under your command. And if you have been - quit it. I thought you knew me better than that.

SHEPARD (Renegade - Do I?): Seems like every time we run up against aliens, you whip out the “Earth first” card. I can’t have my authority undermined.

ASHLEY: I never intended to “undermine” you, Shepard. I believe in you. I wish you’d believe in anyone but yourself. With your permission, sir, I’ll return to my duties.

This argument will end her romance. She will also not be paragoned. This is obviously a much more convoluted way to end her romance, but I’m throwing the option out there because it’s 1) hilarious (that final line, oof), and 2) way more dramatic, if you want to roleplay ending the romance for whatever reason.

MISCELLANEOUS

Like with Kaidan, depending on the dialogue options you take for the scenic view on the Citadel, Ashley will always flirt with you. This does not lock you into, or even trigger, her romance. It is entirely possible to not have her flirt with you at all in this scene, and still initiate the romance later. But if you do not want her to flirt with you, simply do this:

[image ID: ME1’s subtitles showing Ashley saying “Or maybe they just don’t like humans.” with the dialogue wheel below it giving the following dialogue choices, starting from the top: “What’s not to like?”, “Let’s move out.”, and “That’s enough, you two.” end ID]

When you get to this part of the scenic view cutscene, choose any dialogue option but the top “What’s not to like?” one.

Also like with Kaidan, even if you’ve already avoided or shut down Ashley’s romance, Liara will still ask if there’s something between the two of you if her romance is active. Tell her that there isn’t (because there isn’t). Her saying this does not re-trigger Ashley’s romance.

Congratulations, you have now survived ME1’s romance mechanics. Enjoy experiencing unromanced Ashley for the rest of the game.

LIARA

“I WANT TO AVOID TRIGGERING IT ENTIRELY, WHAT DO I DO?”

As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I have found no easy way around Liara’s romance. If anyone else has, I genuinely mean it when I say I would absolutely be open to you telling me, because I would love to know.

The only way to avoid triggering Liara’s romance that I have found are the following:

Simply not talking to her for most of the game (not ideal)

Completing Therum only after you’ve done at least two main missions (also not ideal since it will require Noveria being completed without her)

Completing Therum only after all the other main missions have been completed (again not ideal, though every player should at least do this once if only for the unique content you get from it)

Okay, so what if you want to complete Therum first but still avoid Liara’s romance? I have found one way to accomplish this, but it requires you to be in a romance with Kaidan (or presumably Ashley, but I have only tested this with Kaidan).

After you recruit Liara, you may check up on her in the med-bay but do not initiate conversation after that. If she prompts you by saying, “I get the feeling you want to ask me something, Commander,” do not pick the yellowed dialogue option:

[image ID: ME1′s subtitles showing Liara saying, “I get the feeling you want to ask me something, Commander.” with the dialogue wheel showing the following options: “Investigate”, a yellowed option above “Investigate” labeled “I’d like to talk about you.”, and “Goodbye.” end ID.]

After you complete another main mission, you can check back in with Liara and speak to her normally. This conversation should be the one you’d normally get after Therum, where you learn about why she likes archaeology and how she finds Shepard fascinating.

After you complete another main mission, you must talk to Kaidan or Ashley first. To clarify: at this point you should be at the post-third main mission mark. For Kaidan, you will be getting the “Vyrnnus and Rahna” talk that you can read in his transcript; for Ashley, you will be getting the “Williams Curse” talk that you can read in her transcript.

After you speak with Kaidan or Ashley, you may speak with Liara as normal. This conversation should be picking up on where you left off last time. Liara will talk about how she’s looked into Shepard’s history and Shepard can press her for why she’s so interested in them. Liara should then say something like the following lines:

LIARA: I admit, your connection to the Protheans had something to do with my initial interest. But it has grown beyond that. My interest in you, however, is strictly professional. I want to make that clear. It is obvious you and Lt. Alenko already have some type of relationship. I would not want to come between you.

Her romance will not trigger for the rest of the game.

Please note: Again, I have only tested this with Kaidan. But it should, in theory, work the exact same for Ashley considering many of hers and Kaidan’s other romance mechanics are identical.

“THAT’S NICE, BUT HOW DO I END HER ROMANCE IF IT’S ALREADY TRIGGERED?”

You will follow the same steps as in Kaidan and Ashley’s portions. When she prompts you with whether or not there’s anything between the two of you, you must turn her down. You can never go wrong with the renegade dialogue options here. Again: you get no renegade points for it, and Liara treats you no differently going forth.

She will also usually bring up Kaidan or Ashley depending on what Shepard you are playing, and mention that it seems like there’s something between the two of you even when you do not have their romance active. If you aren’t romancing the VS, just tell her that she’s got it wrong, because...she does. It does not re-trigger either of their romances.

YES I AM ALMOST DONE TALKING

The game really does give you ample opportunities to avoid or end the romances (which is only fair considering how easy they are to trip), so hopefully I have outlined at least one you are comfortable taking.

There are other ways to end both Kaidan and Ashley’s romance that I did not mention (such as during the locker scene, or if you try to un-paragon/renegade) - the point of no return you mainly have to worry about is en route to Ilos. I imagine most players will have their romances sorted out by then, though, so I’m not sure it’s worth mentioning unless you’re wanting to do it purely for roleplay reasons. (In which case: you may read those in their respective transcripts if you’re curious.)

I cannot say I have tested every single romance cut-off, but I have tested most of the important ones players are most likely to take. I am assuming the romances are cut off based on the fact Shepard and the VS’ farewells will change depending on their romanced status (as I outlined in their respective sections), which I do feel is a safe bet. But if you try one of these and find that it did not end the romance: I’m sorry, and please do let me know (and also what platform you play on).

If you read all of this: thank you for your time, and I hope you find this guide useful!

[virmireisms-a]

@perditos asked:

"I've missed you." (Jo Shepard)

Ashley managed a smile as she ran into her old commander again, unable to keep it off her features. They'd yet to have any time to really talk about things; she had rushed off to make it to the Normandy as soon as possible with Kaidan in tow once Earth was hit, and Mars had been chaotic. Kaidan was left in critical condition, and Ashley wasn't in the best condition, either; a few fractures and some severe bruising from that stupid mech they'd gone up against. She'd watched in dazed agony as it grabbed Kaidan and slammed him against the shuttle, hearing the echo in her ears as her best friend was beat half to death by a hunk of metal.

"Yeah... sorry about that," Ashley replied sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck. "I mean--sorry about not visiting you while you were locked up by the Alliance." She'd meant to, and she'd asked Anderson a number of time to tell her old CO that she said hello, but that was the best she could manage. No, she was too damn busy being the linchpin for the Alliance (or so they thought--really, she was more a linchpin for Shepard, between what happened on Aratoht as well as Jo's involvement with Cerberus). It was... a delicate situation.

"I'm just glad Kaidan's okay, for the most part. Reckless idiot... Not that I wanted to be the one to get my skull bashed in, but..." But Kaidan was still her best friend. Even if Kaidan was at odds with them, trusting neither of them fully because of their involvement with Cerberus, he was still a close and valued friend. But Ashley was worried. Anderson stepping down as Councillor had raised more than a few red flags, especially with Udina taking over in his stead.

"Feels good to be back on the Normandy... especially with it flying the right colours. Never really vibed with the orange and black aesthetic, you know?" There was a hint of a smile on her face. "And the armory's back in the shuttle bay, and we both know that's my home sweet home." Ashley's favourite pastime had always been cleaning the rifles, pulling them apart and putting them back together with record speed. That, and tinkering with her own guns. On the plus side, she wasn't the only grunt down there; she'd have Vega to talk shop with.

[captainderyn]

Fictober Day 2: “You Have No Proof” [I Was Lost Without You]

Day 2: “You have no proof”

Category: Fanfiction

Fandom: Mass Effect (specifically Mass Effect 1)

Pairing: Garrus/Female Shepard

Rating: Teen & Up

Warnings: Swearing

AO3 Link: HERE

—

“You have no proof.”

The words rang through Ryn’s head. She felt her body as if from far away, the world dropping away from beneath her feet.

No proof? She drew in a ragged breath, her shoulders tensing up. Garrus let out a low grumble while she felt more than heard Liara draw herself up in indignation.

Her nails dug into her palms, clasped together in parade rest, hard enough to make her flinch. The way she cocked her head was breaking form at best, damn near insubordinate at worst.

“With all due respect,��� she said cooley, nothing near respect anywhere in her voice, “I lost a friend to find this information. I’ve seen it, spoken to it, and you tell me there’s no proof?”

Ashley’s face flashed painfully through her mind, those last moments haunting her years. She let out a shaking breath through her nose, posture locking up. Not here, not now—reliving it could wait until later.

Instead she lifted her chin high and fixed frigid grey eyes on all three counselors. None of them made any move to validate her claims. Instead they just frowned condescending, infuriating frowns down at her.

“You don’t believe me.” She said flatly. Lips twisting together, she bit back a scoff, “We’re facing war and you don’t believe me? At all?”

The Asari councilor lifted her delicate shoulders and offered Ryn a pitying look, “Commander, we cannot believe claims and visions. Saren is a threat that cannot be denied, but Reapers?” she laughed, “They’re myths.”

Both Garrus and Liara made moves to step forward, their voices mixing together in an angry buzz. Ryn snapped her head to the side, growling with a ferocity she would regret later, “Stand down.”

Perhaps it was a past habit, but she swore she heard Garrus murmur, “Yes ma’am.”

He’d never deferred to her in that manner. They’d always treated each other as friends—respecting her command when it mattered, yes, but the use of such military language on her left a bad taste in her mouth.

“Is my career not enough to earn me even a bit of trust?” she ground out. Ten years dedicated to the Alliance. The merit of her leadership mirrored her rank. The Blitz that preceded her name?

Risking her life and the life of her crew just to be told it wasn’t real was what that all accumulated to?

The Council hummed and hawed and denied her claims until she was numb to her, a statue with grinding teeth until her jaw ached.

“Yes, this is all for the best,” Udina set up beside her and Ryn snapped from her haze.

“Excuse me?”

Udina held up a placating hand and placed it on Ryn’s shoulder. Pitying, conniving—Ryn’s arm twitched, nearly breathing her form to smack his hand away. Only training kept her steady.

“While you’ve done magnificent work to find Saren, we don’t know if you are of…fitness…to continue as you are right now. You’re sowing such fear, Commander, causing instability. As of right now, your position as a Spectre is suspended and we’re grounding the SSV Normandy.”

Motherfucker, traitorous back-stabbing snake, son of a bitch—

Ryn hissed, “Don’t you dare Udina.” She whipped her eyes to the Council, “Please you can’t do this—let me go after Saren, Sovereign, anything. We can go in alone, we don’t need resources. Please.”

Loathing burned through her begging to keep her ship, begging to keep her ability to do something.

Loathing carried her through the rest of the encounter until she sat alone aboard the Normandy, back to her equipment locker. The very equipment locker whose contents sat neatly backed in a box in front of her.

They were trying to kick them out of the Normandy. Offering up half priced housing on the Citadel until they found other accommodations.

Ryn thumped her head back against the locker, clenching her fists together, “Fuck!”

“That about sums up this mess, doesn’t it?” Ryn startled, slamming her head back into the locker as she jumped. She swore again, one hand cradling her head and the other throwing out a half-assed biotic field.

Garrus stumbled backwards, catching himself on one of the bolted down mess chairs.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, Shepard.” He said apologetically. “Just meant to come check on you.”

Ryn relaxed, pulling her knees up to her chest and setting her chin on them, “Doing just fine. Sitting ducks until Sovereign arrives, no ship…ugh.” She made a face but aimed an apologetic look at Garrus, “Sorry for nearly knocking you on your ass.”

He snorted out a laugh, mandibles flaring in a way she could only assume was amusement, “It’s not the worst thing you could do to me, I’m sure.”

Joining him in laughter, even if it was stained, Ryn held up her hands and wriggled her fingers, “I could use these bad boys and biotic you into next year.”

“Mhm, is that a threat?” Garrus chuckled as he sat down next to her. Ryn leaned her head back and over to look at him, her shoulder brushing his.

If she truly wanted to continue sulking and skulking she could ask him to leave…in fact, maybe for all professional intents and purposes she should ask him to leave. How could it compromise her leadership to have her crew see her like this?

“It’s just me on board.” Garrus said, as if he read her thoughts. From the way he studied her face, maybe everything she was thinking was written clearly across her face, “You don’t have to be Commander right now…just Shepard.”

“Ryn.” She corrected, “If I don’t have to be Commander Shepard then please…Ryn.”

“Ryn.” Garrus parroted back to her, then repeated it again as if testing the way it rolled off his tongue. She found she liked when he said it. Wanted him to say it again just to get the thrill that went through her.

No.

Not now.

“We’re fucked to hell right now.” she said to distract herself, “Fucked frontways, sideways, and backways.”

Garrus nudged her shoulder, “Grounded is a strong word.”

She quirked an eyebrow up and Garrus’ mandibles flared once again, a spark coming into his eyes, “If I’ve learned anything from leaving C Sec…” he said, “It’s that rules are a suggestion.”

“Yes but…” She trailed off with a groan, scrubbing her hands across her face. Breaking rules now to cross the trouble might just cause a train wreck further down the tracks

“I don’t think there’s any buts; I doubt you’ve made it this far by going by the books. Did you follow things to a T during the Blitz���“

Ryn flinched, twisting away from Garrus fast enough that her shoulder hit the lockers with a thump, “No-“

Not that, not now with so many poor leadership calls swirling through her mind. Not now, as Saren and Sovereign made galaxy knows what plans to take an unknown amount of lives. Not with Ashley’s name still accompanied by guilt and grief and—

Garrus’ hand gently rested on her shoulder, snapping her back, “I’m sorry.” he said carefully, “I didn’t mean, didn’t realize…”

That she was still fucked in the head? That the thought of making those kinds of calls again gave her chills enough to make her sick?

“It’s fine.” she breathed. “It’s fine. Please just…” she turned her head and rested her head on Garrus’ hand, her nose smushing against his glove. Somehow the touch grounded her and without thinking she brought her hand up to rest over the remainder of his hand.

Almost without thinking, he curled his fingers around her.

And they stayed like that, in the quiet, contemplative air.

“We can’t fail.” she murmured.

“We won’t, Ryn.” Garrus murmured back and something about the way he said her name—no rank, no formalities, just her, made her want to cry.

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten: Another Mother's Breakin'

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3.

FemShepxKaidan

"Jane."

The recruit let the knocking go on for a third round, slowly shaking herself from the rickety cot. While these digs were nothing as fancy as the bunk back at the mall, the privacy was a paradise. Blank, dull, metal-lined walls were a price she was willing to pay over the colorful and plant-lined walls of the barracks. The humming noise of life rebuilding, no she belonged in the silence.

"Jane." This time her name was a statement, backed by a hint of threat.

"Just a moment," she groaned, rubbing the crust from the inner corners of her eyes, pushing sore muscles upright and forcing a shirt over her head but allowing it to fall at its own pace. Her pupils narrowed at the sudden influx of light filling her half of the crate, "morning?"

Helen looked her up and down, that damned frown a returning friend, "you should put a comb through that hair."

"For fuck's sa-"

The woman made a sudden jerk, but it stopped with a simple raising of her arm, brushing aside a fallen lash, "language, dear."

"Sorry," Jane's eyebrows narrowed, had she forgotten she was not a child, "why are you here?"

"Because we are going out."

"Don't I have three more days?" Jane returned.

The older woman in a rare admittance of defeat sighed, offering back a raised eyebrow, "you're well aware that was a ruse."

"I knew it!" she didn't.

"Yes, let's be proud that you are stubborn as they warned," Helen retorted with a hint of a smirk, "but you should be ready. I'm not going to let you slide and get breakfast, either!"

Yes, this encampment was a military installment, but it gave no reason to ready herself with the rest of the soldiers. Since Rahna had given up on her she did little to get out of her bunk. So far, her secret remained, but pushing it by becoming a regular around camp seemed too big of a risk. Evelyn gave her some reason to get out, but the kid quickly found friends. Within days she was no longer needed, though the shit still visited at least once a day that prodded her into some form of semblance. The lack of duties cemented her decision to remain secluded, bidding her time with the running videos in her head.

"So why me?" Jane pressed once they cleared the base by a few thousand meters, pulling the ration bar from her mouth.

The woman's dark eyes turned cross, "and don't you waste those rations."

"You'll never want them again after fresh produce," Jane murmured, swallowing down the bland brick of nutrition in three bites.

"The second reason for coming out here," Helen handed over a pistol, "fresh meat and pest removal."

"You know, someplace on Illium would sell Varren skewers as a delicacy," Jane overlooked the pistol with a grin, "man, could that krogan grill up a mean varren skewer."

"The pistol is back up; you should use biotics. No stunts," she warned without heed of her companion's previous comment.

"I'm a paragon of caution," Jane mumbled in response, deciding then it was best to follow after the woman in silence. Pausing only as her leader stopped.

"No stunts," a finger waggled at her, "that kid and her grandfather want you back, and I intend to see that through, despite your best attempts."

Jane giggled, "the LT would love that one."

"Dismiss it all you like, whinge that someone cares about your sorry hide," the woman spat, "you're being selfish. Everyone is hurting if you haven't noticed."

Jane's face drew blank, "while it's true, doesn't it feel better to be pissed off? To be angry that everything is changed? Fuck everyone else. I'm hurting." She looked over the horizon, directly into the blue beam that connected to the Citadel. It seemed so tiny from here, so insignificant.

Helen's gaze followed Jane's gaze, "trying to remember how much worse it could be rarely helps."

"I like to make myself feel better by telling myself that I'm angering out of grief; it's one of the stages, right? But what is there after it? I don't want to let it go and accept my world is gone," Jane's voice mellowed to a whisper, "acceptance is terrifying. It means you have to move forward."

They shared a silent moment together, connecting with a brief touch—neither alone as they thought.

"Who did you lose?"

"My heart."

"Who did you lose?"

"...my heart."

Horizon- Horizon was an awkward fumbling in the dark. An overhanded display The Illusive Man decided to lord over her. He knew her strings and just how to pluck them to make her dance to his tune. Pulling Kaidan into the entire mess with the Collectors was a threat. But as messy and powerless as the knowledge of what the Illusive Man would take from her was the undercurrent of hope. It was foolish to be caught up in the giddy excitement of returned love, But Kaidan loved her. The first confession and bitter tug on her heart. She should have told him then.

Mars- Mars was just as awkward. Running, sliding, and dodging bullets after months of being cooped up in a small apartment awaiting trial. Sideways glances, and a Major who wouldn't stop dogging her every step. He questioned, prodded, and accused her of terrible things. Granted, she well deserved it. He was so close, so in sync as if the years were mere minutes... yet the distance between them was a canyon wide. But the Major loved her, even if it was once upon a time. A lighthearted exchange broke some of the tension, but she still should have told him then.

The Citadel- "What's up" had to be the lamest greeting after an armed standoff. Not a clasping hug, not a gentle smile, instead she vocalized her worry that he was angry. She hadn't taken the shot at Udina, and she had made Kaidan make that impossible decision. To trust her word, to trust an ex-terrorist. It was too much to ask of anyone- but now she was someone he was in love with. Not a past tense, a was, but a current thing. Still, she fumbled, asking him to let her have it and killing any hope of a romantic reunion. Her stolen glances at his backside caught in the act gave him a sheepish glance away and not the confession he was owed.

The Citadel Pt. II- After a shamelessly little amount of convincing, she had found herself in a dress. It was supposed to be simple- a snack on the Citadel. But she had hoped for more, the flirting, the longing stares, compliments, and a little bit of girlish enthusiasm from Kaidan she dared to think they had a chance. It was the first 'I love you' the extra 'I always have' sending her heart fluttering into erratics that she fought to control, lest she make a scene. The graze of his tender lips against her palm relinquished any grasp she had left on that errant heart, the thundering of the heartbeat clouding her brain. The jealousy the rest of her skin felt for her palm stealing another confession.

2181 Despoina- Kaidan would always rue his attraction to adventurous women. Not the woman, but the spark that drove him there. She was always at risk; her daily amount of adventure qualified as a heroic event for most other citizens of the galaxy. For her, it was a normal Tuesday night. But still, he worried, and still, he continued to love her for the constant stress she brought him. Loved her recklessness because it was as much part of her as her freckles. In the wordless hours of the night, his grip always tighter after a harrowing encounter, she was silent.

The Normandy- Neither of them wanted a quick drink. It was a little silly, after all these years, after all his confessions, to still feel insecure about inviting Kaidan up to her cabin. Instead of being direct, he invented the excuse of a short drink to see her. To comfort each other- when they both knew they needed it. Everything felt so final, the end a ticking bomb, an end to the short time they had together. She found strength in him, a safety in knowing she had someone that would catch her. He loved her openly and proudly. He loved her without needing the words returned.

London- It was unreal, after three years finally approaching the finish line. Loss and love in equal measure. Now, it was time for her to go it alone. It was unnatural, and she fought against the notion. She didn't want to be alone- not at the end. Not after this blissful glimpse into the way love had brightened every facet of her being. Kaidan would gladly face a bitter end with her, going arm in arm to meet Garrus at the bar. But it was a fucked kind of love that pushed her to make him leave. The same love that screamed at him to get the hell off the Normandy, the love that now albeit gently pleaded with him to live. It wasn't a roar or a cry of victory but a rumble- a tender declaration. Kaidan knew, even if it took him repeating his love a thousand times over. Six was a good number, short. The heart knew it was needed.

"So refresh my memory," Jane questioned in a whisper, trying not to draw the entire den of Varren upon them at once, "just how many we are planning on bringing back?"

"Are you that keen on vaporizing them all?"

"I certainly can."

"Wouldn't that defeat one of our goals?"

"Well, I don't think you accounted for the transportation of a Varren," Jane noted, looking behind them at the lack of vessel to transport said game.

Jane was ignored with a huff, the woman peering around a blockade, "I want that one."

Jane took a look, the brown striped specimen had to top the list of heaviest varren she had seen, "seriously?"

"Yes. Jane."

"Aye, Aye, Ma'am."

There wasn't time for a seething look or the smarmy reply that would have followed. The creature floated, air-bound as if the weight of the animal defied gravity. It kicked at the air, unable to stop itself from moving toward the barrier that blocked the scent of view of its hunters. Jane yanked her hand forward, dragging against the invisible weight. It felt good, if not for the shred of panic that she might lose time again. The tell-tale sign of blood was not forthcoming.

The blast of sound ricocheting through the plaza quickly overcame any remaining fear.

"Whatever you do, do not approach these things," the recruit barked, yanking the older woman into the corner spot, "they will overwhelm you if they get close."

"Aye, Aye, Ma'am."

The pack burst from all corners, running full boar in the direction of their fallen packmate. Several running members fell in the chaos, while a line of biotic energy sent the group careening into nearby walls and structures. For what inexperience was worth, Helen held up well, keeping up trained focus on the beasts. The old lady had precision aim, wasting hardly a clip during the charge. Jane didn't have to pick up much slack. Now, if there were a third member, everything would be peachy.

The square was silent for a count of three before a single varren cried out loudly.

The alpha was on scene.

While she had not promised to keep from committing to a hair-brained stunt, biotic shockwaves and lifts were boring. A teenage biotic could perform these moves without a sweat, a N7 needed a challenge. She needed the thrill. Blue waves coalesced and pulsed around her form, the familiar vibration against her skin pleasurable. A fluid vault over the barrier propelling her charge into the lone Varren, sending it toppling from the blow. Jane dove for it, pummeling it with blasts of biotic energy until her knuckles bled.

This was no longer a stunt but a method of release.

"Seems those biotics are back online," Helen murmured, wiping something from her eyes.

Jane cocked her head, "where'd you learn to shoot?"

"That? Oh. I thought they'd go out like a coyote."

The blonde smirked, dismounting the alpha's corpse, wiping her fists against a clean portion of the animal's hide. Nothing from Tuchanka went down quietly.

Helen stood over her prize, after a long minute she looked at Jane expectantly, "aren't you going to grab that?"

"Your trophy, your struggle," Jane folded her arms in return, a sly grin crossing her face, "besides, by the way we snuck out of that base, I don't need any more blame for this... what would you call this, stunt?"

"We did not sneak-" but the woman's face betrayed her guilt.

"Yeah, it's normal procedure to hop a barricade at the precise moment the guard changed," Jane knew a thing or two about sneaking out. She'd even stolen a ship twice.

Helen didn't have to struggle with the corpse long before Jane took pity on the woman; she had an unfair advantage anyway. Genetic enhancements, bone grafting, and a little biotic lifting. Unfortunately, she would still be sore when they got back to base.

"Why the need to sneak out anyway? I'm sure you could have roped anyone into helping you," Jane was under no illusion that the woman had any particular like for her, if anything, the woman looked at her with increasing scrutiny.

"None of them would dare."

"Oh?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Jane understood the sentiment completely.

[meggannn]

ship meme: shakarian, shepley, vhawke

sorry i’m late babe!! i already answered shakarian so here are the others

SHEPLEY:

What made you ship it?

starting from my first playthrough, Ashley has been one of my Shepard’s favorite companions because of her easiness to talk to, practicality (that conversation about siccing your dog on the enemy and running the other way is crude but accurate, and Shepard knew that), and also I think Shepard sees a bit of herself in Ashley, where deep down, she really doesn’t have that high of an opinion of herself. like most of my ships, I enjoy a “best friends” angle there—I wouldn’t call my Shep and Ashley best friends, because like, Ash probably considers her sisters her best friends, but on the Normandy especially after Kaidan’s death, I think they share a lot of unspoken mutual connections as the only human women combatants who are expected to carry humanity’s legacy in this war.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

they have a lot of things in common at first glance, but the further you look, the more they feel like mirror opposites in other ways. they’re both level-headed marines that take their career trajectories very seriously. in my head, Shepard and Ash are also both woc, so they have that in common on the SR-1 as the only combat women onboard. my Shep and Ash are also both older sisters, although Lydia failed to keep her sibling alive, and Ash succeeded in successfully raising four younger sisters; Ash has a big family and they’re very dear to her, and Shepard has none, and in fact, a lack of family is a big thing for her because she feels she rebuilt herself in the Alliance. yet, they’ve both built identities around being career soldiers.

they both know sacrifices are going to be made in war; they don’t have to mince words with each other. but maybe the biggest thing is that while Shepard is highly recognized, Ashley’s skills are constantly looked over and pointedly ignored, and yet Ashley doesn’t let that bother her at all. eventually, when they both become Spectres (and post-Ash’s promotion) they gain equal footing in rank, but Ash is still more than willing to take orders from Sheaprd because she believes in them that much. so like... the ease with which they’re able to fall into each other’s orbit again after reconciling on Huerta. they acknowledge Horizon was a low point in their relationship that was neither of their faults. if Shep keeps visiting her, Ash trusts Shep entirely again by the time of the coup that she turns on Udina herself. if Shep puts effort into meeting her halfway, Ash returns so much.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

well... idk if this is unpopular but I really only ship femshepley... sorry mshep players...

VHAWKE:

What made you ship it?

I know the exact fic that started all this, Liquid Courage by pibroch. I remember seeing this in a friend’s bookmarks and going “what? varric/hawke? that’s stupid. that would never happen.” then my cursor moved and clicked it without my consent and then suddenly I was reading it. and I remember thinking this had a nice Varric voice, so I kept reading for that at first. iirc the angle was that they start something as friends with benefits, and then Varric realizes as he’s picking up a gift for Hawke he’s caught big feelings and oh shit. and then I was oh shit too.

eventually, damalur’s fic became a big reason I stayed with it—she wrote so much vhawke back in the day—and then her starting starting the hightown funk exchange kept it a regular interest.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

I won’t say “best friends to lovers” again, I promise (even though it’s true)

I have a mix of reasons here that are similar to the answers I wrote in my shepley and shakarian responses, about grief, and found family, and juxtapositions, and blah blah. the long and short of it is that they’re both very similar in several ways, but in other ways they’re mirror opposites, but I think, at least with friend!Varric, that their relationship is one of the only reasons either of them gets through DA2 at all.

a big theme for Hawke, of course, is family. DA2 is, among other things, the story of how they slowly end up losing one family and gain another (and possibly lose that one too if their friends leave them in the story). Varric is a little of the same way: he’s lost his parents and eventually loses Bartrand to betrayal; the person who is there for him before, during, and after is Hawke. they both sort of become each other’s lifeline for the greater found family no matter whatever chaos Kirkwall or the rest of their friends descend into. bioware obviously intended for Varric to be your bff, and while in Mass Effect with Garrus I think this attitude of forcing a companion to be your best friend had its problems, with Varric I think it works better because Varric is meant to be a “true neutral” compared to the others that sticks by you not because he always necessarily supports you, but because he finds you interesting enough to tell stories about. morally and politically, this has its issues, because he’s a centrist and even if he’s sympathetic to mages, he’s also a ~both sides have their good points~ kind of guy, and besides, he’s more of a talker than a doer. but Hawke speaks in actions, so it makes sense to me that he’s so fascinated by them: Hawke has the courage to do all this heroic stuff that he’s only ever written books about. of course he’s going to write about them too!

but while he starts viewing them as a sort of iconic, larger-than-life figure, he realizes over the years that by penning his best friend’s exploits, he’s made them a political target as the violence in the city grows—and eventually, he realizes he might have straight-up ruined Hawke’s life. it’s a burden of his own that he bears as Hawke shoulders the weight of the city: they both feel like Kirkwall’s downfall was their fault. post-DA2, they both set off to try to make it right in the best way they can, Hawke by leaving, and Varric by setting the story straight and protecting his friends the best way he knows how, with words. a big part of why all of that attracts me is just the drama of it all if you decide to view that romantically—especially if Varric recognizes his feelings but chooses not to say something, like if Hawke is with someone else—but really I see Hawke and Varric’s relationship as a tragedy no matter if it’s platonic or not.

of course a lot depends on how you play Hawke, but no matter if they’re blue/red/purple, I think they hide their grief behind whatever their facade is. Varric is much the same, where he hides his behind humor and only really expresses himself fully in writing—however exaggerated—but also growing up in a family full of bitter alcoholics has given him the ability to recognize when his friend’s at a low point, and how serious that low point is. since he’s sort of a peacemaker, his inclination is to look out for them without forcing them to talk about their grief; I’m really attracted to ships that have that “I’m here if you need me” energy with no pressure attached.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

hm, I don’t think so? I think this ship has the potential to work in a lot of different ways so where I’m normally picky about the way I like things, with this one I am more open to interpretations I wouldn’t normally like.

I guess, idk if this is unpopular, but I don’t really have any hard feelings against Bianca, although I am not convinced Varric’s infatuation for her is healthy. so in general I am in favor of him finding a way to move on from her, although that isn’t the main reason I like vhawke

[lyrishadow]

Fictober 20: Did I ask?

Prompt 20 Did I ask? Fandom: Mass Effect Title:  That’s Politics Chief Pairing: Malcolm Shepard/ Ashley Williams Rating: T 

“Did I ask?” Udina was staring at the three of them with a fierce case of politician, not that it made sense to call it that but all Malcolm could see was this small man who liked to have headaches. Right now, of course, they were part of it.

“No but we are here anyhow.” Malcolm replied, “ Look, Saren is a threat to everything and everyone." “You!” Udina turned sharply, his face turning another shade of red as he pointed his finger at Shapard "What were you thinking?" "What?" Usually, Malcolm had an answer for everyone, being raised on ships with navy parents he had some sense of when to push authority, and he enjoyed doing it. Udina was something different, though given the theme of the day he had started looking for ways to annoy the guy.. "You risked your entry into the spectres…" Udina inhaled for a tirade " A dead spectre, a broken beacon and some kind of war…" "That was Saren." Anderson stepped in not for the first time on Shepard’s behalf. "Fine, Anderson come with me. You.." he obviously couldn’t force himself to say the man’s name "and the rest can meet us at  the citadel tower" "I hate politicians."  Ashley, the newest member of the team for the Normandy was casually leaning on the railing. Malcolm could only agree and hope they could get in edgeways with the council, although it did not look promising. "Let’s go." They headed to the tower directly, even ignoring the view. Malcolm shrugged off the feeling people were staring at them.

"Stall them. Give me more time." " Stall the council Garrus, don’t be ridiculous. Your investigation is over.," Malcolm processed that feeling of dread he had every time he saw a Turian. He didn't hate them but he didn’t trust them either. It always felt strange seeing the different species around. "Commander, my name is Garrus Vakarian"  Garrus was his type of person Malcolm thought, gutsy and determined, willing to talk to the weird humans. "Anything you learn that can help us?" "No, all his dealings  are top secret…" Garrus was irritated, Malcolm guessed by his tone, he couldn’t read Turians at all, and he was definitely not sure it mattered much. "Commander, I think the council is waiting for us," Alenko said quietly, reminding them why they were there, as he always did. | "Good luck Commander, maybe the council will listen to you." Garrus said as they left him.

They faced the council and Saren, though how the rogue spectre had an invite was anyone’s guess. It seemed he was on the inside with the Council and nothing short of a miracle would break that. Malcolm felt angry at the situation and the awareness he could fo very little about it. When Captain Anderson presented the vision from the beacon, the response was as he had feared - that a non-quantifiable vision was not going to help the situation.

Saren 1 … truth 0 he thought grimly as they walked away. If only the council had seen Eden Prime. Had seen the dead burned and witnessed that ship. Seen the Geth rip through Jenkins shields. Instead, he was in trouble because the beacon exploded. He shook his head amazed since he hardly caused that; they also seemed to be blaming him for the death of Nihlus as if he had anything to do with that either. “Why can’t they see the truth?” Ashley asked angrily. Malcolm knew she was running through the list of her squad’s names. He had been there on Torfan, and he knew he recalled every one of the lost. What most think he did, what had to be done, was finish the job they started with.  

They took the elevator down to the presidium with a plan to hunt for Garrus and find out what he knew. Malcolm turned to Ashley as they headed towards the Wards. “How are you doing?” “It is unfair, how they treated you…” Ashley fumed “How they decided things in advance without listening.” “I guess that is the politics of it Chief, It is not what I would have wanted.” “Sir, is it too much to ask that we get listened to on equal footing?” “That.” Malcolm paused, how to answer when he had no answer “I don’t know.” “That’s politics Chief,” Kaidan responded ever calm in the face of a challenge, something Malcolm was grateful for on many fronts - he had not even winced at Jenkins’s death but had set about being a good soldier. “However, Ashley, how are you doing? I know Eden Prime was a mess.” Malcolm shook his head “Don’t make me send you to Chakwas for a psych evaluation.” “Sir, I am okay, I... it’s not easy having my whole unit die, but I understand it wasn’t my fault, and that those Geth and Saren are to blame.”She looked down “It was almost too much when the beacon exploded and knocked you out. We didn’t know if you would be okay.” “I’m fine, more or less.” Malcolm still recalled the vision absolutely clearly. “Just pissed that Saren is getting away from this.” “Well, let’s stop him.” Kaidan added to the conversation “Let’s make sure we have evidence.” “Alright. Time to find Garrus and that guy Harken is our first port of contact.”  

[dianapocalypse]

Kieran Shepard - Character Profile

(Systems Alliance vector by Deviantart User Karlika)

I got extremely carried away so let’s go under the cut

this only goes thru about the halfway point of Mass Effect 2 right now because I’m still working thru the game! I’ll update it when I’m done with ME2 and after ME3 probably.

Pre-Mass Effect 1

Kieran Shepard was born on Earth and grew up in the slums of Chicago. She was shuffled around various foster and group homes for her childhood, and the only sense of stability she knew was in the gang she was recruited to at a young age, the Tenth Street Reds. She was part of the "Clubs" suit of the organization, specializing in hitting hard and fast. She was outfitted with her biotic amps by the gang to make her more effective in close quarters combat. She grew up very distrustful of law enforcement and authority in general.

After a job went south when she was 16 and she ended up tied up in a homicide, she was given the option by the courts to go to prison or go to an 'alternative education' school funded by the Systems Alliance. It was her first taste of structure outside of the gang life, and she adapted to it better than expected, eventually falling in line with the Alliance’s way of doing things despite her initial resistance to trusting the authority of a large military organization. Upon her graduation at 18, she joined the Alliance military. She served under Captain Anderson on the SSV Tokyo, and was one of the Alliance marines on leave when the Skyllian Blitz hit Elysium. Leading the charge to defend the colony and using her years of experience of fighting dirty and coordinating disparate people in the Tenth Street Reds, coupled with her military education, she and the colonists beat back the invaders and she was awarded the Star of Terra.

After this point, Kieran’s dedication to being the Perfect Alliance Soldier intensified; there were eyes on her now, and expectations to meet. The impostor syndrome began setting in. She fought back against it by overworking herself to be better than the best, taking even the slightest mistakes as evidence she was worthless and going to be discovered as the fraud she was. This only got worse when Captain Anderson hand picked her to be his XO on the SSV Normandy.

Kieran kept a fairly stiff outward appearance and did her best to emulate Captain Anderson, thinking this was what was expected of her. Despite this, she, Jenkins and Joker managed to develop a sibling-like banter while the Normandy was being prepped for its first mission.

Mass Effect 1

Eden Prime was her first mission officially having a command, Elysium having taken place before she was promoted. Losing Jenkins so quickly was terrifying, proof that she wasn’t fit to be here. But, no time for that, she carried out the mission, recruited Ashley, was sucked into the Beacon, etc. No one seemed to blame her for Jenkins’ death, which only served to make her feel more fraudulent. Like now that she had authority, there was also a lack of appropriate consequences. Her old disdain for authority tried to breach above the water, but she forced it back down. She found some solace in Kaidan’s logical, clinical way of explaining things, including Jenkins’ death; it helped the Subjective feel more Objective, and she came to trust his opinions.

The Council’s reaction to Saren was, as it is for all Shepards, infuriating. Again, her old reasons for distrusting authority had one more ‘point’ in their corner. Still, she did her best to stay in line, to be the Soldier she needed to be, and eventually to be the Spectre she needed to be. Losing Captain Anderson to politics, though, shook her. Before, she had at least someone higher than her on the food chain to turn to when she was in over her head. Now, she was on her own.

She came to lean more heavily on Kaidan’s advice during this time, and on Joker for levity. She didn’t take well to Garrus; his history as a cop and constant complaints that red tape kept him from getting justice done ‘his way’ smacked of crooked cops on Earth. Still, when they clashed, he tended to back down and consider what she said. She enjoyed Wrex’s company, though, his old war stories reminding her of the senior members of her gang on Earth. She also enjoyed her talks with Ashley and Tali, the former because of her candor-- Kieran could at least be sure Ash was always honest with her--and Tali because she was the only person on board who seemed as out of place as Kieran felt. Plus, Tali’s a delight, who wouldn’t like her? She was fairly ambivalent to Liara, not sure if she viewed her as more of an extension of her Prothean research as a person, and they had their fair share of awkward conversations, but there’s no malice there.

Kieran’s next Major Event takes place on the Citadel, when a member of the Tenth Street Reds tries to blackmail her into using her newfound power and influence to release one of their own from prison. In the time since she left, they became an even more outwardly xenophobic organization, which rubs her the wrong way. Doing her best to be a Model Soldier, she immediately reports him to C-Sec, leading to a confrontation. In the heat of the moment, Kieran panicks. Her past is a matter of public record, but she can’t have him dragging her thru the mud, spreading lies, hurting her reputation and the Alliance’s. Her position is too precarious. They’ll find out that she’s a fraud, even if he’s lying. She shoots him, intending it as a warning, but killing him on the spot instead. (I wrote more about this here when I played that part of the game!) The Turian cop is impressed. Kieran is horrified, both by her actions, and by the cop’s approval of her killing him in cold blood. She returns to the Normandy and throws up.

I’m fudging the canonical timeline a little bit here, but I think this event is what leads into Kaidan telling Kieran the story of how he killed the Turian ‘teacher’ on Jump Zero as a way of helping her contextualize what just happened. They Bond. The rest of the game unfolds without too many more Major Character Moments that are unique to Kieran versus All Shepards. Wrex survives Virmire, Ashley doesn’t. Ash becomes the second to die under her command, the first to die as the result of an explicit choice she made to save the man she has feelings for. The guilt threatens to rip her in half, but we have a galaxy to save, so she does. She manages to talk Saren into realizing he is indoctrinated, but it’s too late for him. She leaves the council to die on the Destiny Ascension, not willing to risk losing firepower to use against the Reaper, and is infuriated when the political spin on the story becomes that she was ‘protecting human interests over galactic ones’. She does not understand why the lives of three politicians should outweigh thousands of soldiers or millions of civilians on the Citadel, and she never will.

Having never trusted Udina, Kieran nominates Captain Anderson to lead the new council. She spends the ensuing months cleaning up pockets of geth resistance with the Normandy crew before getting spaced by the Collectors, as all Shepards do from time to time.

Mass Effect 2

Kieran wakes up in a Cerberus facility and is horrified. She ran into Cerberus plenty in Mass Effect 1, and her impression of them is bad to say the least. After fighting her way through the facility under siege and being horrified by Miranda’s actions killing Wilson, she heads to Freedom’s Progress, all the while trying to figure out a way to get out of this, even tho she suspects The Illusive Man’s statements that she’s free to do as she pleases to be lies. No one invests that much without expecting returns, or demanding them. Her only solace is in Joker, who at least seems not to have changed much, and Dr. Chakwas. She tries to communicate to Tali on Freedom’s Progress that she doesn’t want to be here, tries to get her to come along for the mission, but at least for now, she can’t. She goes to Captain Anderson on the Citadel to try to bring the mission to the Alliance, the Council, anything to get away from Cerberus, but he cannot help her. Her old crew is unavailable, Kaidan’s location is classified, she can’t get messages out to any of her old crew without risking Cerberus reading them and someone has to stop the Collectors.

Even though the two had never been close, she is elated to see Garrus on Omega, in as bad shape as he is. At least he’s a familiar face and someone who doesn’t trust Cerberus. She bonds with Zaeed for similar reasons to Wrex; she likes his old war stories and he reminds her of the people she grew up with. And, he doesn’t treat her any differently because of her status. She’s still guarded around Jacob and Miranda, she doesn’t trust EDI, and she immediately gives Jack access to all of Cerberus’s files. The two don’t exactly get along, but they at least have hating Cerberus and their colorful backgrounds in common. Grunt at least is easy to understand for her; prove you’re strong, and he’ll respect you. Good enough for now.

Horizon hits Kieran like a truck. Seeing the Collectors in action is traumatizing enough; then she sees Kaidan, who she’s been wanting to talk to since she woke up, who she hoped would understand that she’s trapped, and he lays into her for a situation she feels she cannot control. He says she betrayed the Alliance, betrayed him, wonders if their relationship meant anything to her. She’s stunned. Until this point, the fact that she was gone for two years never really felt real, never sunk in. But now it’s undeniable. It’s changed her, it’s changed the people she cares about, and she feels like she truly lost everything. Even after getting his follow up email (which I highly recommend listening to the voice actor read), Kieran’s mental health is in shambles. It’s not enough to undo her self doubt spiral. He thinks she’s a bad guy now? That she’s a traitor? Fine. No point in fighting it, then. (To be clear, I personally don’t blame Kaidan at all for Horizon, nor Shepard, it’s just a shit situation, but Kieran’s self esteem is SHOT)

Kieran starts getting reckless in the ensuing missions. She starts taking a lot more renegade actions, in a gameplay sense, things she would never have done when she was trying to be the Perfect Soldier. Now, everyone already thinks she’s out of control, and she falls back into old habits. If everyone already thinks you’re bad, it’s easier to just become what they say you are.

I’ve only done Miranda’s loyalty mission so far, and the first exception to her current downward spiral into Renegade is Niket. His logic reminds her of Kaidan, as does how Miranda describes their friendship; she tells Miranda not to shoot, has a brief moment of clarity that oh, yeah, killing someone you were friends with is traumatizing, probably. Don’t do that. She and Miranda bonded a bit over that mission, I think; she still doesn’t like Cerberus, but she likes Miranda, and I think that counts for a lot for her.

That’s as far as I am in the game at the moment! Her current attitudes to the rest of the crew are: Jacob she is indifferent to but respects his honesty; she doesn’t like or trust Mordin due to his treatment of the Krogan and the sense of racial superiority over the Krogan; she likes Kelly and the engineers fine; she has a respect for Jack even if Jack doesn’t like her; she likes Garrus more now that he’s not so into his “justice by any means necessary” bit but we’ll see how his loyalty mission goes; she likes Kasumi; she is really glad to have Tali back, esp because she’s SO OUTWARDLY HOSTILE TO CERBERUS and it’s great; she likes Grunt and views Zaeed as kind of a fucked up father figure; she likes and trusts Chakwas and Joker; jury is still out on Thane but she at least can see he does his job well; and she CANNOT STAND SAMARA. Might end up going with Morinth on this playthru!

If you made it this far, holy shit, why???? Also thank you!!

[nobloodneeded]

Please please PLEASE tell us more about Lara Shepard!!!! 🙏 like her personality, backstory, disposition... Favorite food? Idk I think I'm in love with her

Hi!!! I’m on mobile more than the computer and it did not alert me to this message, so sorry if this is late, but I could talk about any of my bioware ocs 5ever - so THANK you.

Ok, so official canon backstory: Lara Shepard is a Colonist, Sole Survivor, Engineer - Paragon.

Now the fun personal headcanons:

Lara grew up as a tomboy; she always liked her hair cropped short and was often mistaken for a boy, though she never really minded. She was almost always covered in bruises and dirt; because of this her parents called her “spud.” She was spunky and outgoing in her youth, some might have called her combative, but only in defense of others. She once defended a smaller friend from bullies who were three years older and, though she came out with a number of scrapes and a black eye, she ultimately bested them and they never bothered her friend again. 

Her personality did change after the trauma of losing her family, friends, and later her entire unit. She became more reticent and withdrawn, her toothy grin replaced with tighter features, however her eyes still give her away as they are very expressive. While the rest of her face was trained to be impassive, her eyes tend to either sparkle or flare with emotion depending on the situation.

Overall, Lara is like a crab: hard exterior, gushy interior. She is generally rational and level-headed, but has to work very hard to be that way because she still leads with her heart. 

She cares VERY deeply for her comrades and is fiercely loyal. She does have difficulty letting people in after witnessing the slaughter of her family AND unit, but once they’re in - they are in for life.

She has PTSD and anxiety. Art, “squeezies (incredibly strong, crushing, hugs)”, and long hot showers help when medication can’t. 

Lara is a dead-pan snarker and enjoys witty banter. Humor and deflection are the coping mechanisms she uses the most; levity helps lift the burden of her responsibilities, if only for that moment. She likes being around Joker and Garrus the most for this reason.

She has a respect for the chain of command, though at times it’s begrudging (so much so that she’ll need to ball her fists to diffuse her emotions before she gets censured). That being said, she has definitely made fun of the Council privately in her quarters or with Joker, after ensuring the comms were offline. 

Lara is decisive, whether it’s the right or wrong decision, once she’s made up her mind that’s it. Outwardly, she says she prefers to move forward than look back. Privately, she reflects on things to death and it keeps her up a lot more nights than she’d admit. While her strength and stoicism is no facade, she has had many shower-breakdowns over the burdens placed on her. To her own detriment, she would rather shoulder every problem than have someone else deal with those consequences.

Her favorite musicians would be: Joan Jett, Pat Benatar, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Green Day, Rob Zombie, and Linkin Park. 

Given her more reserved outward demeanor, it’s a shock to most that when she’s comfortable around a person she will cut loose and ABSOLTELY belt along uninhibited, and her voice is quite lovely. She especially loves to dance, though she is...not lovely at it. She’s all elbows and knees, but that doesn’t stop her. 

Lara is bisexual and while she currently only holds a flame for Garrus, she does harmlessly flirt with Kelly often. 

Her favorite food would be anything spicy and her favorite guilty pleasure program would be Elcor soap operas. She wishes more people were as candid with their emotions as the Elcor. 

Her closest relationships so far are with Anderson, Joker, Garrus, Wrex, and Tali. These are all people who see a very different, more personal, side to her than anyone else. 

Lara has an extreme admiration and respect for Anderson. She strives to make him proud and thinks on his advice over the years before she continues with most aspects of her life, especially tactically. She would do almost anything for him. When she saved the Council, she made sure they put him in the available human seat. She detested Udina and trusted Anderson with her life, it was the easiest decision she had ever made. 

Joker is like the brother she never had and she wouldn’t make it if anything were to happen to him. She relies on Joker not only as her pilot, but emotional compass sometimes. He has a knack for figuring out which situation calls for levity and which calls for sympathy and she finds his presence alone an aid to her weary heart. They have a running game where they pull faces at each other as inconspicuously as they can and whoever gets caught by another crewmate loses. So far it’s 27 to 19, Joker in the lead. 

Lara fell for Garrus instantaneously. She likes a person with their own moral code and a staunch will to serve and protect. She also has a weakness for seemingly-imposing men with hearts of gold and his dorky charm cut through her defenses like a hot knife through butter. She knew it was impolite to stare, but despite how many humans felt, Turians especially fascinated her and having one so close gave her plenty of opportunity to study their features. This backfired as she found him more and more intriguing - even handsome with those rugged planes and angular features - rather than a curious case study. 

Garrus was passionate, driven, and endearing and though it is hard for her to make emotional connections, she is a romantic at heart and craves companionship and his personality compliments hers perfectly. After every mission, Lara would touch base with her comrades on the Normandy and she noticed her feet moved quicker and her heart beat faster the closer she got to Garrus, but she forced herself to bury that feeling. There were more pressing matters to attend to with her new status as a Spectre, commanding the Normandy, and the Saren/Reaper invasion. 

When she saw Garrus on Omega, though, those feelings came flooding back with such a force, she nearly reeled. She had to force herself not to crash into him in an embrace, but she did cheer upon seeing him. When he was felled by Tarak, her mind went into a frenzy and she could scarcely think or speak coherently until he was stabilized. When he walked in, the ache in her heart at his condition was muted by the immense relief and wash of emotion that came over her. His joke about scars made her smile for the first time in a long time; and she knew at that point it was too late to quell these feelings and she would have to do something about them. 

Similar to Anderson, Lara has a staunch respect and admiration for Wrex. She appreciated his input on missions and he was a constant companion for his battle prowess. She for sure used him as a shield a few times with his larger frame and tougher skin. He provided unique perspectives on Krogan life and it helped her overcome societal prejudices she unknowingly harbored; even going so far as being a major defender of him and his people. She was delighted every time he said her name in greeting and she would mimic his voice with his name in kind. He found it amusing and they were endeared to each other pretty quickly.

Where Joker was the brother Lara never had, Tali was the sister she always wanted. Lara could listen to Tali talk for days. Her voice was entrancing, her stories were fascinating, and her personality was adorable. Lara was fiercely protective and proud of Tali and went above and beyond to make sure she felt like the Normandy was a home away from home. Tali was the only crewmate allowed in Lara’s quarters and the two would talk late into the night sometimes. Lara even taught Tali some card games to bring back to the Floatilla and her joy brought a light to Lara’s heart. 

This was way more information than you asked for, but I love her ;A; 

[ljandersen]

1, 6, and 14 for about horizon?

Thank you for the ask!  I really appreciate!  This is for “About Horizon . . .” from this ask list.

1.  What inspired you to write the fic this way?

There were two things actually.  Foremost, I had a reader comment on “Burning Barriers” that she would be curious to know my take on Kaidan and Shepard’s turbulent period in ME-2 and ME-3.  At the time, I wasn’t interested in writing story set during the game, but her comment got my wheels spinning nonetheless.

The second reason I wrote “Horizon” was to explain Kaidan’s actions on Horizon.  I get tired of the Kaidan haters.  To me, the interaction on Horizon, and even Mars, made complete sense, or at least, as far as his reaction and what he says.  Shepard’s part of it is a bit weird, honestly.  “I thought you were dead!”  “So, how’s it been going?”  Why doesn’t she explain that she DID try to contact him?  Why doesn’t she mention going to the Alliance and Council but being turned down?  Why doesn’t she affirm that she cares about him?  She doesn’t explain her resurrection or the two years well.  Moving on though . . .  

Initially, it seemed like Horizon had probably been thoroughly explored already.  What could I add?  I started to read Horizon fics.  I found there were a lot of different perspectives on Horizon but nothing which matched how I saw it.  A lot of the stories were fix-it fics, creative and great, but I wanted to go by canon, word for word.  To counter the Kaidan haters, I needed to make my points off the exact script said in game.

When I read the fics that did use canon dialogue, it seemed like Kaidan would disown his actions many times.  He’d be thinking, “OMG!  Why did I just say that?  There!  Dammit.  I just did it again.  I hate myself.”  There was a disconnect between what was being said aloud and the character’s inner dialogue, because at heart of it, I don’t think the writer believed Kaidan was justified in saying the canon dialogue.  

When Horizon was told from Shepard’s POV, or otherwise, didn’t allow for Kaidan internally disowning his in-game dialogue, there was often an extended apologies from Kaidan once he and Shepard got back to together in ME3.  He would own being completely out of line and in the wrong.  He should have trusted her.  If Shepard apologized at all herself, it felt more like a token apology to show her character being humble about the situation.  Kaidan would then tell her she couldn’t blame herself.  This was on him.  

While it’s a reasonable interpretation of Horizon to have Kaidan be at fault and ultimately in the wrong, I didn’t see the situation that way myself.  To me, he was right to not trust Shepard and didn’t act wrongly.  While he may be sorry for hurting Shepard and hold regret over not helping her with the Collectors, he wouldn’t see his actions on Horizon as unjustified.  As much as he was at fault for the miscommunication, on an equal or perhaps even greater level, so was Shepard.  There’s no canon evidence to show she replied to his “Horizon” letter, and he was clearly trying to apologize and sort things out between them after the conflict.  

For my story, I wanted Kaidan not only to speak canon dialogue, but to believe in what he was saying.  He needed to see it as reasonable and justified, even in the upon reflection in ME3.  If canon dialogue had to be altered or Kaidan disowned/condemned his own actions, then the Kaidan haters were ultimately right in saying Kaidan acted improperly on Horizon.  The whole purpose of my story was an argument for why that wasn’t true.   

When I started expanding the Horizon scene with background information, I realized it was getting cumbersome.  I decided to expand that background history into full scenes.  It seemed like a natural lead in to then show Kaidan became a Spectre, because that’s another area where he gets criticized.  To me, he earned the spot, even if it was Udina who promoted him.  “Horizon” expanded into a full, multichapter fic that started as a one-shot to present my argument about Horizon.  

6.  What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

This fic is more narrative-heavy than my other fics, because so much of it focuses on Kaidan’s perspective.  He’s moving through his grief.  He’s developing professionally.  It’s Kaidan, who is a deep and reflective character.  For those reasons, it had a different feel than my other fics that include Shepard’s POV or that are being propelled by plot more than character arcs.

Overall, I actually consider “About Horizons” to be my least popular fic.  I think, because it covers a tired topic in the fandom and has more intense narrative elements, it doesn’t appeal to as many people.  I’ll actually admit something embarrassing here.  I crossposted this on AO3 and FFN.  At the end of posting, which took over two months (10 weeks for 10 chapters), I had zero favorites/likes on FFN.  Zero!  I had one subscribed follower, and of course, no comments.  I felt embarrassed having this 10 week-long story that didn’t have a single favorite/like at all and one follow.  So, I think, if I’m being honest the question of what makes “About Horizon” different from other fics, I would say it’s because I kind of consider it my biggest flop.

14.  Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

Definitely yes.  It was the entire reason I wrote it at all.  I wanted people to understand Kaidan’s actions on Horizon.

Thank you for the ask!  That was fun!  This isn’t a story I talk about much.

[inside-of-a-fangirls-mind]

Blood On My Hands

Brief Summary: Fem!Shepard is dealing with feelings after having to shoot Kadian in mass effect 3. Her favorite Turian provides some comfort. 

Words: 1,758

Warnings: Violence, blood, bodily harmish. 

Pairing: Fem!Shepard X Garrus Vakarian

Note: Shep does end up cutting her skin on glass, not on purpose but she doesn’t fight it either. so minor self harm ish warning. I don’t want anyone getting upset. I love you all. 

"Hold it together," Shepard told herself under her breath as she paced back towards the Normandy. Just had to make it to the ship and into the elevator, that was it. Then she could be alone, then she could let everything out. Her crew didn't need to know how much this tore her up inside. She could manage it, she always did.

Once on the ship, she didn't talk to anyone just kept walking until she was standing by the navigation map. Glancing over her shoulder she met a few stares from the crew before hitting the button that would take her up to her room.  Once inside, she sank against the wall of the elevator. Letting out a few jagged breaths, "Kaidan why…" she whispered before throwing a blow at the elevator doors, but they opened at the same time. Stumbling forward her hands landed on her door to stabilize herself. Another deep breath as she keyed in her lock code for the door, slipping inside. She didn't bother turning on the lights, the low glow emanating from her fish tanks was enough for her to see.

She promptly reached under her bed and pulled out a bottle of wine. Similar to the one she had given Kaidan when she saw him in the hospital. As she popped it open the tears darted down her cheeks. She didn't bother with a glass, taking a long-drawn swig. "This one is for you Kaidan. I hope Ashley is giving you h- hell for disobeying me." She chokes out as she pours a little wine out onto the floor not caring anymore.

She takes a seat at the end of the bed. Flashes of Kaidan and all there adventures swelling her head. Giving Ashley's life for his, saving his ass every single time. Him standing up to her instead of helping her fight the collectors, now that took guts. The death mission on Mars, the way his lifeless body looked lying on the Citadel floor… and by this time the bottle of wine was emptied. Tears stained her cheeks as she reached for a bottle of whiskey, she needed to forget about all this for a while, needed to not feel anything for a while.

Swiftly popping the top and chugging a third of the bottle. Gritting her teeth at the burn, but she knew it was nothing like Kaidan felt when he was shot. And that blood was on her hands, only hers, she pulled the trigger. She gazed down at the bottle after another tall drink and almost dropped it. Her hands still stained red from where she held him in his dying moments. Immediately she ran to the tiny sink and rinsed it with scolding water. Not that she felt it anymore. Scrubbing her hands roughly, trying to make the blood wash off. If it had she didn't know, the longer she stared at her hands the more blood seemed to rise from her palms.

She cried out slamming her hands into the mirror, cracking it, shards of glass now embedded in her skin. Glimpsing up she caught a view of herself, all the scars from the last four years, from Reapers, Collectors, and Cerebus. But none of them made her as sick as the mental one of shooting her best friend.

She couldn't take it, she'd rather die right now than lose another friend. Screeching at the mirror calling she called herself horrible things. "MURDERER…" Was the one that hit her the hardest. She made her way back out to the bottle of whiskey, finishing it off before launching it against the wall. And then another. Some weren't even empty, mostly half full. She cursed out the gods, cursed out herself and Kaidan. How could he not trust her? Why did he not stand down? And then she just screamed at the top of her lungs. She didn't know what else to do. Tears obscured her vision as she slipped on the booze covering the floor, landing on her hands and knees into the alcohol and glass.

The renowned Shepard was on her hands and knees wailing. Begging for Kaidan to come back, begging for another chance to make it right. Just then her room door opened and someone ran in calling her name. She couldn't tell who it was she picked up a sizable chunk of a bottle and hurled it at the wall screaming again.

Only when she felt two sturdy arms on her did she stop, but through her tear-soaked vision, she swore she saw Kaidan... She hammered her fists into his chest, crying out. " Why'd you make me choose!! Why'd you make me shoot you!! Kaidan!... Y-" she sobbed as the firm arms wrapped around her and held her close. "You were my best friend…"

Only then did then person speak with a gentle voice, "Sheppard, you can't beat yourself up over this… It's not right." He hummed softly to her, his hand coming up to hold her head into his chest. Only then did she realize who it was. Her fists clenched as she winced against the pain.

"Garrus…" she whispered before collapsing against him sobbing. His strong arms kept her up before easily lifting her and setting her on the end of the bed. He doesn't say another word for a long time, just stroking her back and holding her close to him.

"Shepard… you can't go on like this." He told her before brushing some glass out of her hair. "Kaidan wouldn't want it. He made his choice and that's something you cannot change. But he would not want this, you know that." Garrus's voice was light as he rested his chin on top of her head, keeping her against his chest. She eased in a little when she felt his mandibles twitch in her hair, it was always reassuring in his arms.

But all she could think about again was Kadian's cold unresponsive body laying on the floor and the gun in her hand still smoking from the shot. She's slowing slipping back into a dark place as he speaks again. "I know that look." He glanced down at her, the worry obvious on her face. "Don't you dare blame yourself, you did what you had to, you saved the Citadel again. You're going to save the Galaxy again. Kaidan would be damn proud and you know it."

With that, he raises her chin tenderly, finally seeing the stress and darks bags under her eyes. The weight of the last four years weighted on her massively at this moment and her glistening tears only made it more obvious. He took a tissue from the nightstand and wiped away her tears considerately. She closed her eyes leaning into the touch. "And I'm proud of you. I know it hurts like hell. He was our friend. But it would hurt worst if Udina had gotten everyone killed. If we didn't have the chance to fight again and save the Galaxy..." Taking a long pause before speaking again,  "for Kaidan's sake." His voice trembles a little but she knows he's trying to be strong for her. She wraps her bleeding hand around his and nods, still not opening her eyes.

"Now," he stated before taking her hands in his. "Let me get you cleaned up." He gets up gradually, watching her as he moves to get the first aid kit. It took him a good minute to find it in her small bathroom. But once it was in hand, he sat back beside her. Carefully pouring cleaning alcohol on her hands. She doesn't make a sound or move, which worries him a little but he doesn't address it. Gently he pulls the glass out of her skin with his claws before wrapping bandages around her hands. "Now for your knees." He whispered as he cut the pants legs up to her knees. She didn't fight. She could get new pants.

Kneeling in front of her he worked delicately on her knees and calves. Getting every piece of glass out before wrapping her up. He lingered there a moment before looking up at her. "You're all fixed up. Now let's try to stay away from the glass. Okay?" He smiled tenderly at her and she couldn't help but smile back.

"Ya' know." She stated as her hands gently went to either side of his face, thumb stroking his mandibles. "You're the only thing I have left in this fucked up Galaxy. You are not allowed to leave." She leaned in and placed her forehead against his. Feeling his mandibles twitch under her touch made her smile a little more.

"Shepard," he whispered before tilting his head up a little looking over her face. She finally opened her eyes and met his gaze. They spoke on another level, their eyes speaking without their mouths even moving. He slipped one hand around her waist and the other under a thigh as he hoisted her back onto her bed, his weight comfortably on top of hers. "I'd never disobey an order…" his voice was deeper now and abundant with lust, while his eyes were so overflowing with love. She dragged him in before he could say another word, kissing him intensely.

It didn't last as long as she would have liked, he pulled away after a few moments. Pulling her tightly against him, his chin resting on top of her head. "You should get some rest. Anderson is expecting a call in the morning." His voice is soothing and it takes everything in her not to fall asleep then.

"I- I don't know if I can…" she started before his hand caressed her cheek. Drawing her attention up to him. He offers a smile, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. "I'm not going anywhere. If you have a bad dream I'll wake you. You're not alone, that I promise." He spoke and watched her eyes start to glisten with tears again. He went to speak but she stopped him.

"Thank you, you don't know how good it is to hear that outside of a fight." A small smile was on her lips before she nuzzled her cheek against his chest and closed her eyes. Falling asleep in no time thanks to him. He stroked her hair, keeping her close. It was a good thing Turians didn't need much sleep. But he'd be damned if he let anything stop him from protecting her. She was his whole Galaxy, she just hadn't realized it yet.

[halapenojalapeno]

Skinny Love.

Kaidan was sitting in the café on the Citadel when an unpleasant thought wormed its’ way into his head. He realised that, despite it coming as quite the shock, he probably should have known. He drummed his fingers on the table with one hand while using the other to quietly sip his drink, grateful that he’d managed to avoid the lunchtime crowds. Where was Shepard? He was not generally an impatient man, but the longer she took the longer he would have to ruminate on the events that had past.

He had noticed within hours of being in her presence as they prepared for the Mars mission that Shepard’s behaviour towards him was markedly different. She was still as unfathomably kind to him as she’d always been, despite his harsh attitude towards her. She had the same warm demeanour towards him as she’d always had, as if he had left her crew for a few days rather than a few years. Yet, there was no questioning that something had changed. She no longer reached out to touch him, whether it was to brush against his arm, a gentle squeeze of his fingers, or to feel his arm round her shoulders. She had told him once in confidence that she did it because on Earth she’d never had anyone precious to her and she wanted to know he was close, in a conversation that felt like it was lifetimes ago.

The mission itself ended in disaster for Kaidan as he was gravely injured, but the coming weeks of recovery provided him with a moment of clarity. Why in all the galaxies had he been acting like such a colossal prat? His thoughts floated back to Horizon, where it all went wrong. “I loved you!” He spat it out to her in the past tense, as if he could ever get past his feelings for her. Shepard had implored, she pleaded with him to just try to see it from her side, but in the heat of the moment he’d decided that she wasn’t trustworthy. Instead he flipped it round to insinuate that Shepard was the one that was blind. “They can decide if they believe your story,” the thinly veiled insult hit its mark and Kaidan had to grit his teeth to stop himself from grimacing at the hurt on Shepard’s face. It was clear she knew what Kaidan had meant to say was ‘I don’t believe a word you have said.’ Still she tried again for him, one more time: “I could use someone like you on my crew Kaidan, it’d be just like old times,” She spoke tentatively, and he had understood she was asking for more than just another crew member. “No it won’t; I’ll never work for Cerberus.” He replied forcefully. “Goodbye Shepard.” He hadn’t meant for it to be the end, despite the fact he was the one that said goodbye. It was all a bit of a mess after that, Kaidan mused, sliding the lump of ice from his glass into his mouth. He thought about the shaky correspondence he sent to Shepard that was intended to rectify his mistake, to show he hadn’t meant to end it. It was too late, though, and a few months later a letter was delivered to his door written in her chunky, slightly slanted handwriting. Then another. Then another. By the fourth he’d all but worked out what it was that could possibly be so important it warranted the effort of handwritten letters. After all, he knew Shepard and she would want to soften the blow as much as possible and if it couldn’t be in person then the most personal method available to her would have to do even if she struggled with it – being able to read and write weren’t really a priority for her when she was growing up on Earth’s back streets. He didn’t read them for he was sure that the whoever had caught Shepard’s eye would be talked about in them and he couldn’t bear to look. So, he buried himself in his work in a pathetic attempt to hide from any mention of her name and, to be fair, it was paying off; he even got promoted to Major. Until the whole galaxy went to shit with the arrival of the frickin Reapers. So they were together again and yet not for the mission to Mars and then, stuck in a hospital bed, Kaidan couldn’t avoid the information he was so desperately hiding from. The nurses were gossiping about Shepard’s exploits on one of Palaven’s moons – shooting Husks and Marauders, saving the Primarch, basically kicking ass like always… and afterwards, sharing a passionate moment with Garrus Vakarian. This was the truth, Kaidan thought as he waved over the waiter to order another drink, that he he should’ve known. Garrus and Shepard were always close, and had Garrus not been a turian maybe Kaidan would’ve had to tell him to back off. As it was, “Shepard and Vakarian are the one true pairing of the Normandy” was the most popular joke during those precious moments of peace and laughter while trying to stop Saren, despite both their protests to the contrary. Still, the news stunned Kaidan; betrayed, not only being cheated on by his love but she had done so with his friend. Of course, that wasn’t exactly true – knowing Garrus he wouldn’t allow a relationship with someone if they were romantically entangled elsewhere – but it was an easier truth than that of the letters Kaidan refused to read. The news helped Kaidan finally plucked up the courage to ask Shepard about fixing their relationship, so he sent her an email to ask her to visit. Naturally she came as soon as she read it, but as she walked in wearing a look of concern while trying her hardest not to look haggard, her back straight and hands held behind her back in military style, Kaidan lost the nerve. Yes, this woman was the real Shepard, but times had changed and so had she. He looked at her, really looked at her for the first time in years and he could see the worry and the stress and the fraying nerves written all over it. He was not going to be the one to make an already gruelling situation worse. Not this time. Kaidan was going to trust Shepard, he was going to believe her, and he proved it in the situation with Udina on the Citadel. He was not going to have another Horizon. He supported Shepard like he should have done the first time around, and stood down when she asked him to. Perhaps there is still a chance, a little voice in his head had mused, but he crushed it, reminding himself that Garrus was stood by her side when Shepard confronted him, possibly ready to shoot Kaidan down to protect her. Once he’d joined the crew again he could see how happy Garrus made her, much as it pained him to admit it. When Kaidan was with Shepard she seemed to glow, but with Vakarian she positively sparkled. Kaidan watched dumbfounded as Shepard was pushed from one precarious situation to the next, like Rannoch and Thessia, and when it seemed like she was about to break Garrus would wrap an arm around her, pressing his head against Shepard’s and the tension would melt out of her. She’d peck him and gently whisper secret loving words to him and when she pulled away the deep-set lines of worry in her face would have eased. It was for that reason that Kaidan ignored the burning ache in his chest at the sight of them. He did have one very awkward conversation about the situation on Garrus’s insistence which resulted in him punching the Turian squarely in the mandibles, but after that he held on to no real resentment toward him. Losing Shepard was altogether of Kaidan’s own doing. Kaidan was snapped out of his thoughts by the sight of Shepard walking towards him. She was dressed in civvies, an N7 jumper and some sporty leggings, and had her blazing red hair tied into a messy ponytail. He shook his head as if doing so would dislodge the memories he was just reliving, regretting it instantly as his implant created dull spikes of pain in response. He grabbed a menu as she dumped herself into the nearest chair. “Hey, Kaidan. Went for a quick run first, you know, fire up the appetite,” She flashed him a cheeky grin and scooted her chair round to peek over his menu. “I’m surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this,” he murmured, pretending not to notice the proximity. “Maybe it’s better not to ask,” Shepard laughed heartily, a sound that was becoming scarce as the battles raged. Kaidan considered telling her that he had never stopped loving her, that he was still waiting for her, that Horizon was a horrible mistake… but what would be the point? All that would happen was that Shepard would stop enjoying herself, stop being able to laugh with him.

Once again, Kaidan lost the nerve.

[foofyschmoofer]

Head Over Tattered Sneakers chapter 54

“We feel it only right,” Tevos said, “that the Hero of the Citadel choose the Counselor.”

“The what now? Fuck. Better than the Butcher of Torfan, but still…” Bex blew out a long breath through her nose. “You’ve never trusted my decisions before, but guess there’s a first time for everything.”

“Indeed.” Sparatus looked, as always, pissed off at Bex’s very existence. “Well?”

“Normally, I’d say let me think about it for a day or two, but in this case, it’s a goddamn no-brainer. Has to be Anderson.”

“Are you sure?” Tevos asked. “Ambassador Udina—”

“Is an asshole, a politician, has been chomping at the bit to get this position for years, and in general has made my life a living hell for the last six months.” Bex rolled her eyes at Udina sputtering in the corner. “Anderson on the other hand is a brilliant leader, level headed, not a goddamn politician and, from the look he’s giving me, absolutely does not want this position. Which tells me he’ll be brilliant.”

None of the councilors seemed to have anything to say to that. Sparatus disconnected immediately, clearly thinking that, as usual, Bex had made the wrong decision. Valern cast his eyes on the three men, nodded to Bex and disconnected. Tevos remained silent for nearly a minute, staring at Bex as if she was trying to figure out her thought process, before she also disconnected.

“Thank you, Shepard,” Anderson said.  “You’re right, I don’t want it. To be honest, I was looking forward to retiring altogether, maybe moving back to London. But this… it’s an honor.”

“This… this is a mistake,” Udina said from his corner. “Mark my words, this—”

“Shut up, Donnel,” Anderson snapped. “You want to be on the Council so badly, for the status of it all. You don’t give a damn about any of the important parts, integrating humanity into the galactic community, to thrive beside them, not try to overtake them.”

“You—”

“And as of this moment, you are no longer an ambassador.” 

“I—”

Bex couldn’t help a snort of laughter when Anderson looked Udina dead in the eye and said, “You’re going to be my assistant.”

Read the rest on AO3.

Likes, reblogs, comments, etc. welcome.

[theoriginalladya]

Character(s) of your choice: 6, 15, 20, 34, 49, 58, 67, 74, 81, 90

Since I was just thinking about these three, here are Serafina Shepard and Mike & Mack Shepard.  Thanks so much for this!  

100 Random Character Development Questions

~~~~

6. What sense do they most rely on?

Serafina:  Serafina is a trained sniper and took Infiltrator class as her specialty.  That said, she relies most (at least in battle/on a mission) on her sight and hearing, sometimes her sense of smell.  

Mike: Mike is a Vanguard.  His focus is on the enemy, what’s right ahead of him, so sight would be number one for him.

Mack:  Like Serafina, Mack is a trained sniper.  On the battlefield, she relies on sight and hearing.  Off the battlefield, however, she likes to cook, so taste takes over.

 15. Are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue?

Come on, now!  All three are Shepards.  Serafina is probably the most paragon, so she’ll usually try to talk things out most of the time (except in ME2 – she really doesn’t trust Cerberus or TIM) before turning to her weapons or fists.  Mike is a fists/weapons kind of guy.  He can be diplomatic and talk, but feels it’s a waste of time for the most part.  Mack is so quiet most of the time most people don’t even know she’s there … until it’s too late.  

 20. What are their hobbies?

Serafina:  Music.  She grew up with music in her house and though she keeps it quiet from the rest of the crew until after ME3, she loves to sing and play guitar.

Mike:  Sports, playing or watching.  He loves competition, even if it’s from the sidelines.

Mack:  Drawing.  Mack loves the peace and calm that making a quick sketch will help her find.  Most of her favorite pieces (either she’s done or other artists) are pencil sketches that have been painted in watercolor, also simple sketch/ink drawings.  

 34. What’s their view of lying?

Serafina:  She doesn’t particularly handle liars well at all; especially after events unfold with The Illusive Man and, later, Udina.  

Mike: He views it as a weapon, like his shotgun.  If it helps him on a mission, he’s not afraid to use it.  As for those who lie to him, he doesn’t particularly take it well, but he has a rather pragmatic view:  If he’s stupid enough to fall for someone’s lie, it’s his own fault (most of the time).

Mack: If it’s personal (against her, rather than, say, against the Alliance as a whole or whatever group is involved), she will find a way to pay it back in full.  She isn’t a cynic:  she doesn’t go around thinking everyone is lying or anything, but like her twin, she can usually spot it.  And while she mostly agrees it can be used as a weapon, she prefers other ways.

 49. How does your character feel about growing old?

Serafina:  Post ME3, Serafina is ecstatic that she has the opportunity to grow old with Kaidan and her family and friends.  She is thankful for the time together.

Mike:  He will keep going as long as he can as a soldier protecting those who need protecting.  Outside of that, he hasn’t given it much thought.

Mack:  Mack views each day as a gift.  She should have died when she was eight; yet she didn’t.  She should have died on Mindoir, but survived to tell the tale. She was the only survivor on Akuze. Three times she should have died; three times, she didn’t.  Mack knows she has a purpose in life; what exactly that purpose is, she doesn’t know, but she will take each day given to her so that she can.  

 58. What is your character’s idea of a perfect day?

Serafina:  A quiet one!  Post ME3, her life becomes a completely different kind of ‘battlefield’ as a mother and Earth’s Councilor.  Any time she can find a moment of quiet and peace, that is perfection right there. If her husband is involved, all the better.  😉

Mike:  Anytime he can knock a few heads together on a playing field, in a training simulator or one-up his twin.  (the last is usually few and far between, so yeah, perfection!)

Mack:  Any time together with family and/or friends.

 67. Does your character believe in fate or destiny?

Serafina:  Serafina firmly believes she is in control of her own Fate/Destiny, no one else.

Mike:  Simple answer: no.  He’s in charge of where he’s going, end of story.

Mack:  Simple answer: yes, to a degree.  While she believes in free will and that she is ultimately responsible for what lies ahead of her, she isn’t above accepting the fact that Fate/Destiny guides her way at times.  She wouldn’t be alive otherwise.

 74. What is your character’s favorite game?

Serafina:  Any game that she can play with her children (or in later years, her grandchildren).

Mike:  As stated several times, he’s a sports kind of guy.  You name it, he’s probably played it, and he’s always ready for pick-up games no matter what it is.

Mack:  Individual type of games, particularly brain teaser types like crosswords and sudoku.  (and occasionally she will accept assistance from certain individuals should they wish to play, too …)

 81. Is your character religious?

Of these three, the only one who might be considered religious would be Mack.  No surprise there, really, after what she went through as a kid. Both she and Mike were raised by god-fearing parents, but after Mindoir, it was difficult for Mike to find his way back to it.  Mack, on the other hand, found it to be something akin to an old, faithful companion. This also helped her after Akuze.

 90. How bodily expressive is your character?

That depends, do you mean in battle?  If so, then you’d have to say that Mike is the most bodily expressive.  He lives to biotic charge.  Just give him a reason! Lol  Mack: Probably the least of the three.  She’s very quiet and reserved.  Serafina falls somewhere in between the two.

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Drunk Punch Love: Chapter 6

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

Chapter 6: Savior of The Citadel

Anya Shepard doomed the council. And worse, she knew that others would call it a bid for human interests. But sacrificing the Destiny Ascension meant that more people could live, and those still trapped in the Citadel could be protected.

At least, that's what she kept telling herself as she stood next to Saren's bloody husk corpse and watched everything explode outside the window, hoping what she just did was worth it.

She didn't know if she could live with herself if her choices didn't mean something. There were already way too many graves tied to the decisions she'd made.

Like hell she knew this would be her fate when they were coming up the turbolift to fight Saren. It would have been harder to know she had something damning in common with the turian she was about to face, but she doubted he felt as much compassion and guilt as she did.

In all honesty, all she thought about on the way up was how much she wanted to watch the fucker burn.

Then those turbolift doors opened and she, Wrex, and Garrus darted up those council steps that she had a Pavlovian association with disappointment and frustration. Anya could feel it building up in her as they got closer and closer.

Taking that last step to the council's podium, there he had been. And that time, after all the damnable near misses, she didn't give him a shot. Much like he did to Nihlus, Shepard put on her Infiltrator cloak, stood right behind him, and fired her pistol.

Anticlimactic, but so damn satisfying to see him drop like a rock. He didn't deserve a grand fight. He deserved to fall down without the luxury of final words.

Well, then Anya turned around and everything outside was burning and they were asking her to make the call. Thousands of Alliance soldiers and Citadel civilians, or the hundreds of people protecting the council. All she saw were the numbers and the innocence and she made it.

But it was over. It had to be over.

Of course it wasn't fucking over, but she wanted it to be. Something grabbed her leg, though, and crashed her down into a lower decks area. The creature before her had Saren's face, but it was dripping blue blood and was now three times her size. It looked like a goddamn demon with the skin texture of as husk. Wrex and Garrus dropped down to help her and that's when a real bastard of a fight began.

Sovereign just had to go and play god with Saren, didn't he?

Shepard's mind started running on full adrenaline, dodging Saren's husk and protecting her team. Wrex got a wicked face slash and Garrus got thrown into a wall, but the asshole wasn't going to take anyone else from her.

She collapsed him under some pillars and hoped she'd make it out alive. Part of her wondered at the time if i'd be easier if she didn't; after all, her job was only going to get harder now.

But she pulled herself out of the rubble, even though her ears were ringing, and Garrus carried her back to them. Anya was struggling to keep her memory on track just walking back into the safer parts of the Citadel. She was pretty sure her ears were bleeding and everything was kinda blurry. It just was nice to have a trusted arm around her shoulder keeping her safe.

And now she was stuck in a very loud, very overwhelming meeting with Udina and Anderson and it felt like she was just floating above it all. The destroyed Presidium couldn't be real, right?

Hell, everything the past couples days felt so wrong.

"Shepard? Are you listening? What do you think?"

Anya's body jolted and she looked straight into Udina's very pissed off face. She ran a hand through her hair; during the Saren fight her normally immaculate bun ripped open and her hair was all over the place and probably matted with blue blood. Whoever the hell thought she was the most capable to answer anything must've lost their damn mind.

Still pressing a wet cloth to her split lip, Anya tried to salvage things. "No. Sorry. What did you ask?"

Udina rolled his eyes and made a disgusted noise like she was a petulant child, but repeated himself, "With the council gone, new leaders need to be put in place, ASAP. And with humanity at its best, we're going to be at the forefront."

"Okay? And how am I involved in this?"

Anderson looked pretty uncomfortable, but he kept his hands behind his back and looked at her seriously. It was at least nice someone treated her like an adult who deserved a spot at the table. She always appreciated that about Anderson; he looked at everyone that way. "With your new fame as the savior of the Citadel, people will look to your for guidance. So Udina wanted your vote on who should lead the council."

She didn't mean to, but Anya laughed so hard that her definitely bruised ribs hurt like hell. She even had to put her wet rag down on the railing to hold her sides so they didn't literally split. "Me? The closest thing I know to council level seniority are you two." Udina gave her a pointed look and her stomach fell through the glass floor. What made either of these men capable of the job? She adored Anderson, he was a mentor and a friend, but he was no politician. And Udina knew his politics, but he quickly fell into "humanity first" mindsets. And that shit wasn't going to be helpful for a galactic war.

And yet here they fucking were.

Running a hand through her hair again, and trying not to grimace when she definitely caught something in her fingertips, she tried her best to answer them, "While just picking between you two is the dumbest shit I ever heard, my vote would be Anderson. We're heading into a war, and we need people who can get our asses out of it at the helm." But with a deep, slightly beleaguered sigh, she added, "But don't go too far, Udina. I still think you should advise him and kick diplomatic ass. I'm sure Anderson will need a lot of help not clocking anyone."

While Udina didn't look happy, he at least looked slightly amused. "If you're sure. Now on the matter of the Destiny Ascension-"

"If the extranet's going to burn me alive, let them. I let them die out there. They should hold me accountable, even if the law never will."

Anderson furrowed his brow and reached for her hand. Anya didn't mean to wince away so quickly. Instead, he just gave her these sad, soulful eyes. They didn't make her feel any better. "Somebody had to make the call."

"Of course somebody did. And today, it was me. Doesn't make up for the people dead, though." Rolling her shoulders, Anya stood up straight, removed herself from leaning against the railing. It was time to soldier up. "Don't worry about me, Anderson. I can take it. Just make sure there's a damn good statue or something for Willaims, will you? Without her, no one would've made it."

They both looked like they had more to say, and even Udina looked concerned. Maybe they should be. She was now the first human Spectre who now had the galactic authority to name or kill councilmembers. That was fucking scary. But Udina just said, after getting serious frown face from looking at something from his wrist, "We will. Now, Admiral Shepard is on the extranet. Threatened to "sick her bear" on me."

The universe was damn bleak, but of course her mother could make it better with one sentence. Looking Udina, she let him in on the secret, "She means me. She calls me her baby bear. But a warning, if she'd told me to rough you up, I would."

Anderson chuckled, but Udina only did that awkward laugh thing where he really means that he hates soldiers and wishes he didn't have to interact with them as much. Anya couldn't really blame him. Picking up her helmet and holding it on her hip, she nodded and them both. "I'll be in your office using the screen to deal with mother bear."

After she got into Udina's office and left the men to, probably, argue, she let the neutral look on her face fall. She let her face go heavy; as heavy as it felt. Hell, it probably should be heavier. Today had been a long fucking day.

But she had one more thing to deal with: Oksana Shepard.

Anya inhaled deeply and then sat down at Udina's desk. One or two clicks and she was calling the infamous Admiral Shepard. Within seconds of starting the call, her mother's short, bright blonde hair, gray eyes, and scarred cheek. And somehow, on this dark fucking day, she was smiling. Trying to give her own best grin, Anya said, "Hello, Mama."

"Detenysh! My little one! Today was a good victory. You did good. How does it feel to have that rogue Spectre eating metal?"

Shaking her head, she always found it hard to talk straight in front of her mother. She was a warrior through and through. Sure, Anya was a warrior, too, but if there never was another war again and she was out of a job, she could probably live with that. Oksana couldn't. She answered as honestly as she could without starting a fight, "Good to protect people. Less good to know how many dead it took to take him down."

"They died honorably, Anya. That's all anyone can wish for." While she nodded, Anya couldn't help but wonder: is it? But then her mother continued, "I am so proud that my daughter is the savior of the Citadel. Your father would have been proud, too."

Anya didn't really know what to say to that. She'd never met her father. "I hope so. I made a lot of hard calls today."

"They are all preparing you for the great Admiral or General you will one day be."

A million old conversations swirled around in her head. "Mama-"

"I know, I know. You'll find your own path. It's just pure coincidence I was right about all of it so far."

The smug way her mom said it kinda pissed Anya off, especially with that smirk on her face, but she was going to let it slide today. "I'm just happy to see you."

"And I you, Detenysh. You're the reason all my men are okay and so many people made it out alive today. When they chose you for a Spectre, they chose right."

Feeling herself get a tad bit emotional, Anya rubbed her face and tried to shake the feeling away. "Shh. Enough of that." With a crash from outside and a loud yell, Shepard could tell Udina and Anderson were arguing again. She flashed her mother another smile before ending the call, even though she knew this might be the last she saw of her for awhile.

Happens when your mother's specialty always was undercover missions. "I have to go be a hero a little longer. I love you, Mama."

"I love you too, little one."

And then she was gone. Anya could get more emotional about it, probably even have a year's worth of therapy about how her mother often popped in to give her praise but never was a consistent parental force in her life. But she really didn't have the time for counseling right now, and at least her mother was okay. Honestly, Anya would take any good news from today that she could get.

Logging off, she stood back up and put back on her stronger face. It was time to play babysitter to the two men she just appointed to run the Council together.

Why did anyone let her make big decisions?

///

Author’s note: 

So happy a bunch of people enjoyed the last few chapters on here! I’m posting often to catch up to the story on other sites. 

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support my stories, fandom communing, or Twitch aspirations, please go check out my patreon: patreon.com/gracejordan

I also tweet sometimes too: @Steph_Marceau