#he looks so sad :( which is understandable since this scene is him thinking hard about the ring and puzzle but

[ectoplasmer]

thinking about uhh. um. uh

[eufezco]

FAMILY (old man logan x psychic reader)

this is based on that xmen97' in which jean goes to the hospital and they don't want to attend her labor. this can be extremely triggering to some of you since it includes miscarriages so be careful 🫶🏻 but i couldn't give it a sad ending so i kept writing 😭

this is sooo long and i could've kept going talking about old man logan being a dad so i might do a part two. english isn't my first language !!

—logan —. you called him. you used one of your hands to shook his body while your other one rested on your belly.

logan was sleeping peacefully by your side. he rubbed his eyes and frowned when, thanks to the light coming in from the street, he saw your cheeks wet from your tears.

—i can't hear her. i can't- i can't hear her, lo —. you repeated in a rush.

it took him a few seconds to understand what you were talking about but when he finally did, he was quick to get out of bed and turn on the light on his bedside table. he was immortal but his heart stopped beating for a moment when he saw the blood between your legs.

he found it hard to breathe as you both looked into each other's eyes.

he had never seen an expression of terror like the one you had on your face that night. he had a hard time reacting, his body did not respond, he wanted to think that he was inside one of his horrible nightmares. but the sound of your sobs at the sight of the blood, how you squeezed your legs together and your eyes closed shut from the pain of the cramps brought him back to reality.

logan ran to your side of the bed and took you in his arms. —it's okay, baby, it's okay. we're going to the hospital now, it's okay —. you heard him murmur as he kissed your forehead.

when you two left the room, laura was waiting at the door. she had her claws out, after hearing the cries she was already assuming the worst. her facial expression changed from anger to concern when she saw you in his arms, holding onto his neck and crying. she noticed your blood-stained pajama pants. laura hid her claws and followed logan out of the house and to the limousine.

he carefully placed you in the back seats and stopped the girl when she tried to get in the car with you. laura gave him an angry look.

—no, i need you here with charles.

laura grunted and tried to get in the car again. logan stopped her one more time.

—laura, please.

logan was practically begging. his eyes were glossy with tears, he tried to hide it but his hands were shaking. laura gave up after hearing the tone of desperation in which he asked her to stay. she stepped back so logan could get into the car, still frowning that he wouldn't let her go with you.

—wake up charles, tell him what happened and bring him home with you.

laura nodded. logan started the car and stepped on the gas and once you arrived at the hospital, he took you in his arms again. he carefully laid you down on the stretcher brought by the nurses, his grip lingering on your hand as long as possible. when he tried to go with you, they wouldn’t let him.

logan’s jaw clenched, his fists tightening at his sides, but he didn’t argue. he didn’t want to make a scene. despite the urge to fight his way through, to stay by your side, he held back. and he waited, his legs bouncing restlessly, eyes fixed on the doors, hoping someone would come out to give him news. but no one said anything. he waited for what felt like an eternity until, unable to bear it any longer, he stormed up to the front desk.

—where is she? —he growled, eyes dark with rage. the nurse glanced up, confused, looking at papers before finally letting out the truth: they had forgotten to tell him.

forgotten. you had been alone for hours and no one had bothered to let him know. his fists slammed down on the desk, the sound echoing through the quiet waiting room as his voice rose. —you forgot? she’s been in there alone, and you forgot?

they called for a doctor, fearing the situation was escalating. the doctor was cold, didn’t even bother to make eye contact, his gaze focused on the clipboard in his hands. —she had a miscarriage, we are sorry, sir —. the doctor said and continued talking but logan couldn't hear anything past those eight words. he closed his eyes, focusing on his own breathing, shallow as it was. one of his hands moved to his chest, his heart was racing.

all the anger turned into pain and he hated it. —but why? what happened? —. he didn't even know where he got the strength to ask.

—we are not sure, maybe it have been due to her mutation.

logan closed his eyes again and shook his head. sadness quickly turned into a stronger feeling, one that made his face burn and his fists clench tightly. —she's a psychic, what the fuck would that have to do with her pregnancy?

—sir.

—no one in this fucking hospital has ever cared about us.

—sir, i'm going to have to ask you to calm down. we treat all of our-

—always blaming our mutations instead of doing your fucking jobs.

and when he finally saw you, lying on the hospital bed, he ran and wrapped his arms around you. when he entered the room he noticed that you had been crying before, your eyes were red and your face was wet. —i'm so sorry, —he whispered, his voice breaking slightly as he held you. —i should have been here. god, i'm so sorry.

—i'm sorry, logan, i'm so sorry —you sobbed against his chest. his hands held your head closer to him, his fingers caressed your hair. you began to sob as soon as your head rested on his chest

—it's not your fault, baby. you did nothing —he mumbled. he planted a kiss on the top of your head as he struggled to not let the tears in his eyes slide down his cheeks. —it's not your fault, you hear me? i'm sorry this happened to you.

laura didn't quite know how to approach you.

she was not good with words and physical contact had never been her greatest strength either. she definitely took it after her father. she would stand in the doorway of your room watching you curled up on the bed. it seemed wrong to go in, you had a hard time sleeping and when you finally did, logan made sure that no one bothered you. but it felt even more wrong to just stand there once again without doing anything.

she walked carefully into the room and sat down on the bed. with even more care, she placed your head on her legs and played with your hair the same way logan did until you finally fell asleep. he peeked into the room when he saw the door open, she thought he would get angry but he simply closed the door and left you.

charles spent more time at home than in his hideout.

the morning after you came home from the hospital he moved with his wheelchair to your room. you were sitting on the edge of the bed, with your head down and a hand on your belly. it had not had time to grow much, you were still in the first trimester of pregnancy but you could already notice how it was beginning to swell and become hard.

charles placed a hand on your head and closed his eyes. he could feel the sorrow and guilt, the overwhelming sense of loss. the thoughts echoed in your mind and now also in his. was it something you did? something you didn’t do? there was shame, a feeling of failure that made it hard to look others in the eye, in logan's eyes, afraid he might see the same blame you saw in yourself. beneath it all was the quiet pain of loneliness, even if you weren’t truly alone, and the sense of helplessness that made everything feel out of control.

charles blanked your mind for a few seconds and you sighed in relief.

logan didn’t know how to talk about the loss.

his silence wasn't indifference, he had just never been one to talk about his feelings but it never crossed his mind to leave you alone for a second. only when he had to go to work and he spent the whole night driving and thinking about you. when he came home, he'd crawl into bed with you and hug you from behind. sometimes, when he was gone, laura would take his place and fall asleep next to you. you would end up squeezed between the two of them and in those moments, everything hurt a little less.

every now and then, you’d catch him staring at you, his eyes heavy with a mixture of pain and love, like he wished he could take it all away for you but knew he couldn’t.

you know he was grieving too, even if he never said it aloud, you could hear it in his thoughts. his grief wasn’t the kind that spilled out in tears or words, it stayed locked inside him. he’d work late into the night on something, fixing things that didn’t need fixing, pouring all his energy into tasks that kept his hands busy and his mind focused. and when he finally lay in bed next to you, his breath would hitch, just for a moment, when he thought you had fallen asleep.

you barely had the strength to use your powers, but you needed to know what was going through his mind. you knew that sometimes just being near him was enough. you’d rest your head on his shoulder, feeling the tension in his body slowly ease. his mind became quieter, more peaceful, when you were with him, as if your connection was the only thing that soothed him.

some weeks later, there was a knock on your door. you exchanged quick glances with logan and charles because visitors were rare since you lived in the middle of nowhere so whoever was on the other side couldn’t have come by accident. logan, with a defensive attitude, went to see who was at the door while you waited with charles. laura followed logan, her small figure staying close behind, and her hand gripping the fabric of his jeans.

—the wolverine —. the young woman at your door said in a sigh, surprised.

logan rolled his eyes and tried to shut the door after hearing that name. the girl pushed it with extreme force, making the wood creak and logan and laura had to take a step backwards. laura pulled out her claws while logan was shocked.

she was a mutant.

—oh, sorry. i didn't mean to, i still don't know how to control it.

—yeah? why don't you figure it out away from my fucking property? —he said through gritted teeth and tried to close the door again.

—wait! my mom is a doctor! she works with mutants!

logan was only getting angrier, how did she find where you lived? and what was she suggesting? because it sounded like you were all going to be locked up in a laboratory. he finally managed to shut the door.

—i'm not here to cause any trouble! she knew charles, she studied at oxford as well! i was at the hospital the night you lost the baby! —the girl said from outside the house as silence fell inside of it.

logan opened the door again, angrily, but before he could do or say anything, charles called his name and rolled the wheelchair to the door, his calm presence cutting through the intensity of the moment. the girl's surprise at seeing charles xavier himself alive was even stronger than when she was greeted by the wolverine. —professor xavier... you're alive.

charles smiled faintly and nodded. —now, why don’t you come inside and explain yourself? It seems you’ve come quite a long way.

logan’s shoulders tensed, but he didn’t stop charles. he still didn’t trust the girl, not for a second, but he trusted charles. his eyes flicked to you, not really sure what was going on. laura sat next to you when the young woman entered your house, her eyes never leaving the stranger as she approached to say hello. her small body shifted subtly, leaning forward just enough to shield you.

—start talking, —logan growled —how did you find us, and what the hell do you want?

—i didn't come to harm you or your family —. she said quickly. —my name is amy. i'm named after my mom, dr. amy, she's been working with mutants for years, helping them. she met charles at oxford.

charles slowly nodded. —i remember amy. she was brilliant. she was studying medicine by the time i was finishing my phd in genetics. she had this mutation in her eyes...

amy nodded. —heterochromia, yes, that’s her —. her gaze shifted to you. —i was at the hospital that night, i'm doing my residency there, i'm sorry for the way you were both treated. —she continued, her voice softening with sympathy. —i didn’t mean to intrude, but i’ve been following your situation closely ever since. i… i’m sorry for your loss.

you slowly nodded. you sensed that she had no bad intentions, you had seen it inside her head.

—i looked at your papers and no one in that hospital was following your pregnancy. there were no record of your ultrasound scans, no scheduled checkups. they haven’t even called you for the routine appointments.

the room fell silent, her words hanging in the air like a heavy weight. logan’s reaction was instant. his fists clenched at his sides, his jaw tightening with anger. the realization hit you hard—they had practically left your baby to die, neglecting something so vital, so basic. you wanted to cry. your hand instinctively moved to your belly. the tears threatened to spill, but you held them back.

—what does your mother have to do with us? —logan asked.

—my mom can help you, in case you want to try for a baby again.

you had never really thought about it, the pain of losing the first was still too fresh. logan had never pushed the idea, either. but with this stranger standing in your home, offering hope, you felt something stir inside you. it wasn’t exactly the desire to try again, but more like a door had been cracked open, just enough for the possibility to slip through.

—she has a clinic in the city, —the girl continued, sensing the tension in Logan but not backing down. —she’s helped many mutants who’ve been denied care in hospitals. she has dedicated her life to helping us, not just our symptoms but understanding our struggles. she truly cares.

—why would we trust her? how can we know that she’s any different from the rest? —you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

—because i’m here, —the girl insisted, her voice steady. —i wouldn’t put myself in danger if i didn’t believe in what she does. i’ve seen her work with people who’ve been told they’re not worth the effort. she doesn’t treat us like lab rats; she treats us like people.

after countless conversations with logan and making sure that he was truly ready too, you both finally decided to go to see dr. amy.

the doctor who greeted you was a kind-looking elderly woman with a gentle smile that immediately put you at ease. her eyes, one blue and one green, radiated understanding. you didn’t need to tell her your story—her daughter had already filled her in so you wouldn’t have to relive the pain.

you went to see her several times, although most of them it was you who did the talking as Logan sat beside you, listening intently. he was always there, his presence solid, even if his words were few. after several visits and tests, after long talks and careful consideration, you both finally decided that you were ready to try again.

you stepped out of the bathroom, the pregnancy test gripped tightly in your hand, your heart racing as if it might burst from your chest. he'd been pacing, hands running over his face. the second he heard the door open, he stopped in his tracks, turning to face you. his eyes immediately locked onto yours, desperate for any sign the test result.

—it's positive —. you spoke in a soft, quiet voice.

logan froze, his eyes widened slightly at your words. he stared at you, then at the test, and back to your face again. —you’re… you’re pregnant?

you nodded, tears welling up in your eyes. —yeah, it’s positive.

as soon as he hugged you, the tears started to fall. you couldn’t hold them back any longer—fear, relief, and everything in between overwhelmed you. you buried your face in his chest, your body shaking with quiet sobs. —i’m so scared —. you whispered against him, your voice trembling.

—i know, baby, i'm scared too. but it'll work —. logan held you tighter and kissed the top of your head. you felt how as his hands shook as he gently stroke your back.

logan made it a priority to talk with the doctor at every appointment, asking questions, wanting to know exactly what you needed and how he could help. and he made the pregnancy feel easier in ways you hadn’t expected, he remembered every mental notes he had taken from the doctor.

he’d help you with things like showering when it became difficult to balance or reach certain places. his touch was always gentle, his movements careful, making sure you felt safe and supported. and every night he'd gently rub lotion on your growing belly and give you foot massages, his strong calloused hands rubbing away the soreness from carrying extra weight. you’d close your eyes, sighing in relief, and he’d smile quietly. and when your clothes stopped fitting, it was him who offered up his own. he’d hand over his t-shirts and flannels, which hung loose on you and smelled like him.

laura was too scared to get close to you, her eyes wide with worry every time she saw your growing belly, as if you were too fragile to touch. but as the weeks passed, laura’s curiosity got the better of her, she hesitated before slowly approaching. she looked at your belly, then up to you for permission. when you gave her a soft smile and nodded, she knelt beside you.

she only placed her hand gently on your belly, her touch feather-light, almost afraid to make any real contact. then, she rested her head softly against your bump, her ear pressed close, hoping to hear her future sister. you watched as her face softened. she kept her hand on your belly, waiting, and after a few minutes, the baby gave a small kick. laura’s eyes lit up, her lips curving into a rare, genuine smile.

—she kicked —. she whispered, glancing up at you, as if asking if she was allowed to be excited.

the labor was easier than you had feared, but the pain still came in waves, intense and overwhelming. logan never left your side. he held your hand tightly through every contraction and encouraged you to push. and once your newborn daughter was placed on your chest, logan leaned down, brushing a soft kiss against your forehead as he told you how well you did.

not long after, the door to the room opened and there was laura. she gently approached, her gaze fixed on her new sister. logan stepped aside slightly, letting laura get closer. she stood next to the bed, staring in wonder, and then carefully, she reached out to touch the baby’s tiny hand.

logan was meant to be girl's dad.

[sharksandsquirrelsandsnakes-ohmy]

I have recently realized that when I write about adult Stiles, he sounds a lot Deadpool and/ Dean Winchester...

Here are my favorite examples (most of which are from a draft I'm working on):

~~~~~~~~~

Stiles twisted the knife, making a face when he felt the bloody, torn flesh rub against his finger. The guy let Stiles go, shoving him into a stack of crates.

Stiles gasped in lungs full of air. “What,” he asked heavily, “not into fingering? Why didn’t you say pineapple?” Stiles huffed a laugh.

~~~~~~~~~

“You’re not helping my reputation by showing up in uniform,” Derek said in a tone Stiles knew to be his approximation of a joke.

“Being friends with a cop who happens to also be the sheriff’s son is hurting business,” Stiles asked with a smirk, leaning on the hood of his car. “I didn’t know you kept that clientele, Der. I mean, I’m all for ACAB, especially when the Feds come poking around but…”

Derek shook his head, standing in front of Stiles. “You really shouldn’t say that while in uniform,” he said, trying not to smile. “I meant because of my history with the department.”

~~~~~~~~~

Derek walked into the loft, completely covered in dirt, and slammed a similarly mud crusted backpack on the counter. “We have a problem,” he growled.

Stiles didn’t even bother to look at him, pulling his chicken nuggets out of the oven. “Of course we have a problem! When don't we have a problem? There's always a problem.”

~~~~~~~~~

“Corinne,” Stiles said as some form of greeting.

“Hello Stiles,” she said in that evil tone of voice. Classic villain, kind of cartoony to be honest.

~~~~~~~~~

Derek: Does everyone understand the plan?

Cora: Uh, ya, but I have one quick question. So, you've explained plans A and B but, since plan A never works and plan B usually goes to shit, what are plans C through, I don’t know, F?

Stiles: I'm so glad you asked. Plan C is when I yell 'pizza's here' which is your sign to hit the deck so Allison and Chris can shoot anyone standing. Plan D is Lydia going full banshee scream on their asses. Plan E is some spontaneous magic by yours truly and Plan F is to just mountain ash trap everyone in and hopes for the best.

Derek: There’s plans A through F?

Stiles: And Plan G but that involves some coffins, a nice plot at the cemetery, and a very heartfelt rendition of the Independence Day speech from Coach Finstock. Scott: I didn’t even know there was a plan…

~~~~~~~~~

Stiles heard the person behind him inhale deeply. “McCall,” the guy growled, sounding more animal than human.

“Stilinski actually,” Stiles corrected, “but thanks for the smell check, wolfy. Glad to know eau de alpha is still strong.”

~~~~~~~~~

Stiles: I hate you.

Peter: You can hate me if you want.

Stiles: Good because I do.

~~~~~~~~~

The werewolf wrapped an arm around Stiles's throat, shoving a gun against his temple.

“Kinky,” Stiles rasped, finding it hard to breath.

~~~~~~~~~

Stiles walked, led by the gun at his back and the new addition of a hand on his neck.

“Ya know, this is kind of nostalgic,” Stiles remarked, feeling the sharp pain of claws against his neck. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Might get a reaction you aren’t expecting.”

~~~~~~~~~

Stiles was shoved onto the floor. It was disgusting even for a warehouse. There was blood splatter and mud on the floor. Which was also nostalgic in a sad, fucked-up kinda way. Like, who gets nostalgia from high school because of a crime scene?

~~~~~~~~~

Stiles grabbed his knife and pulled it out of the guy. The werewolf was shaking, not dead yet. "Enjoy Hell," Stiles patted his cheek roughly. He was crouching in the open to retrieve the knife. You’d think he’d know better by now.

~~~~~~~~~

Blood had utterly ruined Stiles’s suit. He was hardly able to apply pressure to the wound. He was bleeding out. Again. He wasn’t getting that deposit back. He tried to pull his eyes open but he was tired. So tired. If the gang didn’t hurry, he’d be on the fast track to a dirt nap and he wasn’t sure he could stay still that long.

[blue-jisungs]

childish honesty

author's note. okay phew this has been rotting in my drafts since JULY??? the main reason of not posting was literally no idea for the title bye. anyways i hope you enjoy, esp you @l3visbby since this is the chan work i’ve been talking about 💀

big shout out to my beloved @planetkiimchi for proofreading, ilysm and thank you so so much <3 i really appreciate it 🥹

summary. there’s a cute guy who’s literally perfect. everything starts to work out when your little secret comes out // or in which you always adored children’s honesty but fail to do the same

summary. 7894

warnings. swearing, alcohol consumption + one scene in a club but nothing too wild, mention of cheating. a bit angsty :) chan is a bit of an ass but then again, he kind of has a reason….. + some cameos <3

biting the inside of your cheek deep in thought, your friend – jeongyeon – noticed you’re drifting away. tapping the back of your hand gently, warm smile on her lips. your other friend, jihyo, scoffed.

“and you’re gone again… don’t tell me he’s on your mind” she sighed dramatically. a blush crept on your face since you were caught.

“girl, you were supposed to relax! clear your head! go wild!��� jeongyeon grunted and broke into a mischievous giggle “well, the last one is for later”

“we know you love him but please, stop thinking about him. for once…” jihyo pouted “i’ll get jealous!”

“okay, you know i love you both” you smiled, grabbing their hands “i’m sorry. you know how it is”

“well… we don’t. but we understand, we know what you’ve been through. that’s why you need a break” jeongyeon said and jihyo nodded in agreement “aaaand we need to find you a new man”

“huh?” you blinked, reaching for your coffee cup.

“oh come on, don’t act like you don’t understand” jihyo winked and you almost choked on the hot beverage. the action made your friends laugh “what?! that’s not what i meant…” you grunted but your reaction spoke for yourself.

“now that i think about it… jihyo, do you remember chan? from our company? he’s in another department but he’s the manager, you should know him” jeongyeon hummed, tapping her fingers against her coffee cup. you stole a glance at your phone. no one texted you.

“of course i do! i love chan, he’s so cute and good in what he does… wait” the corners of jihyo’s lips curled into a mischievous smile “oh…”

“oh indeed” jeongyeon smirked, both of them slowly looking at you.

“what?” you asked and your attention was quickly dismissed when your phone buzzed. the girls in front of you exchanged sly looks with each other and nodded in agreement.

“okay! let’s go to my place and change up, hm? it’s friday night, i already thought of a party plan” jihyo smacked the table energetically and stood up from the seat, going over to pay for the coffee.

“where does she get this energy from…” you murmured as you texted back. jeongyeon smiled and stood up too, waiting for you.

“yeah… no…” you grunted, swirling the drink in your hand. squeezing your phone between your cheek and your arm, you looked for your lipgloss hidden somewhere in the bag.

you wanted to finish talking before your friends come back with even more drinks. it was hard to hear jooyeon’s rambles due to the loud music booming in the club.

“‘m sorry, can you speak a bit louder?” you asked and managed to find your lipgloss “or just…”

“y/n!” you heard jihyo’s shouts

“sorry, baby, i need to go!” you said

“but…” jooyeon whined and you sighed apologetically.

“i’ll call you in the morning, okay?” you hummed and were met with a soft, sad hmpf. quickly hanging up, you pretended to use your phone as a mirror while holding the lipgloss.

“we’re back, ta-dam!” jeongyeon put the drinks on the table and shot you a suspicious glance “do you even see anything?”

“no… not really” you giggled and put your phone down, gulping down your previous drink “i’ll be right back!”

entering the bathroom you felt a sinking feeling in your stomach. you really shouldn’t have hung up so early. what if it was important? what if he needed help… what if he needed you?

quickly fixing your lipgloss, you shook your head. you shouldn’t think about it so much. the girls went out with you to have fun so just for a night you could forget about him, right?

after hiding the lipgloss in your mini bag; zipping it so the small electric guitar keychain dingled gently, you left the bathroom.

right away you felt your legs tripping or just the impact of someone bumping into you, you weren’t sure. before you could fall, a surprised yelp reached your ears and two hands held you sturdily by your waist.

“i’m sorry, i should have watched where i was going” a male voice rung in your ears, causing you to squirm away from his hold. he let go, shaking his head “sorry”

“that’s okay, it was my fault too” you nodded and looked at his face. the red neon lights in the club didn’t help you in analysing his features but from what you saw now, he was handsome. his mouth opened and you could sense he’d apologise again but suddenly jihyo’s favourite song came on.

you just nodded for the second time and turned around, the man’s gaze following you – unbeknownst to you.

quickly joining your friends you went to the dance floor, finally starting to relax and temporarily forget about your worries.

arriving at your place, head pumping like crazy, you slowly opened the front door. it was around 10am, saturday morning. quietly entering the kitchen and painfully slowly opening the upper cabinet so it doesn’t creak—

“mom is back!”

you sighed. mission failed.

turning around with a smile you were met with jooyeon’s body launching at you.

“easy there” you giggled and last minute kneeled down, so he could hug you properly. his small hands wrapped around your neck, lips smooching your cheek “missed me that much?”

“duh! it’s boring without you!” jooyeon grinned cheekily and leaned away. then you registered someone leaning over the kitchen counter.

“jooyeonnie, could you maybe pick up the toys in the living room? quick, so mom won’t see the mess” the feminine voice was gentle and soft, as always.

“oh shoot, the toys!” jooyeon yelled out, causing you to scrunch your face. as he ran out of the room, you stood up and sent yuna a warm smile.

“thank you…” you sighed, grabbing a glass of water

“i can see the party was nice” she giggled, observing you “do you need me to stay longer? it’s not…”

“no, absolutely not. i already asked you for too much… but thank you so much” you shook your head as a no, putting the mini bag on the countertop.

yuna was jooyeon’s babysitter. she was a first year university student so the deal was great for three of you: jooyeon loved her (and vice versa), she got to earn some money and you had the opportunity to spend your time with friends or stay overtime without any stress. but hey! it was friday, today it’s saturday and yuna, such a young and lovely girl, definitely shouldn’t miss out on her free time on you two. plus your hangover.

“i’ve got this” you nodded and handed her the cash. she looked at you worried, then stealing a glance at jooyeon who already got distracted with something else.

“if you need anything please let me know…” yuna smiled politely.

“i need you to rest now” you chuckled and patted her arm “i’ve got this, really. have a nice day, yuna. jooyeon, say bye to aunt yuna!”

“bye bye!” he yelled out and ran up to her, grinning and reaching his hand out. they did a high five and yuna left, a sweet smile on her lips. to think she was one year younger than you when jooyeon— “where were you?” jooyeon crossed his hands and cocked an eyebrow, watching you. finishing your water you started looking for some medicine.

“with auntie jihyo and jeongyeon…” you started slowly, trying to focus and figure out what to say “… having a fun time. girls’ night out, you know?”

“mhm…” he hummed, dark irises glued to you “then why do you smell so… gross?”

you scoffed, the package with painkillers dropping from some hidden spot behind glasses.

“we were dancing and having drinks… and when i left, aunties were still sleeping so i didn’t want to wake them up with the loud shower” you explained, taking the meds “is it that bad?”

“yeah. take a shower, you stink” jooyeon ordered and turned around, happily going back to the living room and whatever he was doing with the play-dooh. kids are so honest, don’t you just love them?

following his orders you showered, fighting your eyelids. oh a nap… nap would be great right now.

leaving the bathroom, already in your comfy clothes, you shuffled slowly to find jooyeon. he was scribbling something in a colouring book.

“i think i’ll take a nap, joo. wanna go with me?” you asked quietly. his eyes lit up and he dropped the crayons, grabbing your hand instead

“of course, let’s go!” he exclaimed, leading you to your bedroom. jooyeon was old enough to sleep in his own bed but if he had the chance to sleep with you… on the biiiig bed… there’s no way he’d miss it for the world.

soon enough you were falling asleep with mr wolfy, jooyeon’s plushie, by your side.. and nugget, his another plushie. and five other plushies. and, above all, with your son snuggled comfortably next to you.

chan typed furiously, engrossed in his task. he didn’t even realise when felix walked into the room.

“hey, chan?”

he looked up, taken aback.

“what’s up?” chan asked, smiling softly. his features softened, looking at felix’s pensive face.

“see, i was talking to jihyo�� you know, the other manager…” felix started. chan nodded — obviously he knew her. they meet once a month at the monthly evaluation “do you happen to be willing to go on a blind date?”

chan froze, eyes widening. he let out a nervous laugh, scratching his head.

“what is this about?” he asked, felix breaking into a smile.

“well you’re single, right? and apparently jihyo has a friend… so we just thought…” felix drifted off and took a deep breath “listen, i know i’m in no place to say it. but you’re my friend, we’ve known each other for years. and i feel like you should give it a shot. just once”

“but…” chan started, still not fully realising what’s going on

“don’t worry about it, i’m sure you’ll do well. literally everyone likes you, you know? me and jihyo can set up the date, just let me know if… that’s okay” felix breathed out, smiling softly. chan looked down and shook his head, shrugging.

“okay. just this once and only because you’re so kind about it” he scoffed. felix’s face lit up, eyes sparkling with joy.

“really?” he asked in shock. chan looked back at him and smiled

“really. but while you’re so euphoric, don’t forget to send me those audio files of the songs, okay?” chan dead serious. his friend nodded enthusiastically, leaving the room.

what the hell did he just agree to…?

fidgeting with his fingers chan stared at the people in the café. it was cozy, cutely decorated and full of plants. it’s not like he wasn’t here before, it was his friend’s cafe – seungmin’s. he knew all the staff, he was there to help with the decor and all. hell, he often worked there on his laptop with headphones in, in his own world (even though seungmin hated when he did that, apparently he scared the customers away)

he took a deep sigh and looked over at the counter. seungmin along with his two workers, momo and minho sent him thumbs up. of course, they knew about the date, felix had told them.

the door opened and he looked up, excited and nervous at the same time. his features dropped once he noticed it was an elder lady. letting out a scoff he checked the time. well, he was the one who was a bit earlier. would you be on time? or show up at all? he was thinking about–

“excuse me? are you chan?”

he looked up, blinking slowly. oh wow. you… you looked stunning.

“oh. yeah. yeah, that’s me” he nodded and stood up, reaching his hand out “y/n, i assume? jihyo’s friend?”

“yes” you smiled and shook his hand, sitting down “did you wait long?”

“oh, no… not really” he scratched his neck, glancing at his friends. they all sent him thumbs up “here’s the menu…”

“thank you. oh wow, the choices are…” you giggled nervously, reading all the drink and dessert descriptions. jooyeon would definitely like strawberry boom, whatever that was.

“i know, right?” chan tilted his head and adored your features. when jihyo said you’re pretty, he didn’t give it a much thought. he’d say the same thing about felix or his other friends too. but you… you were really angelic. and your smile was so sweet, he never wanted to see it disappear– “hm?”

“i’ll just go for an americano for now” you said and looked up “what about you?”

“i’ll get the strawberry cake, it’s really good. well, actually my friend owns the cafe so…” chan mumbled “… um, yeah. depends what you like, the lemon muffin is good too!”

“okay, if you recommend it then i’ll take it” you shot him a smile and before you could walk up to the counter, someone arrived at the table. your eyes widened upon seeing momo, a friend of jeongyeon’s. you talked a couple of times, she’s really nice but you didn’t know she worked here. in fact, didn’t she work at some dance studio…?

“hi, can i take your order?” she asked sweetly. chan’s gaze was focused on you. it warmed your heart because, well… momo was gorgeous. and he chose to look at you? a small thing but still…

“yes, i’ll take the strawberry cake and espresso. and for this beautiful lady, americano and lemon muffin” chan said, sending you a boyish smile. momo nodded

“iced or warm?” she asked you, winking.

“iced, please” you hummed and realised you still have your purse hung over your arm. momo walked away and you took the purse off, hanging it on the back of the chair.

“sorry if i’m awkward, i haven’t been on a date in a while” you chuckled and noticed chan’s gazed glued to your purse.

“the keychain” he hummed, pointing at it. you grabbed your purse and showed him the electric guitar keychain that was attached to the zipper “it’s cute”

“thank you. it’s a gift from a family member, i carry it everywhere” you hummed and watched chan’s eyes widen.

“were you perhaps at a party last week?” he asked, giggling when your face turned into shock while nodding “oh! so this is the mystery person i bumped into”

“what?!” you laughed loudly, uncontrollable grin plastered on your face “no way! i didn’t see your face then…”

“well me too but i remembered the guitar chain. i’m kind of a music freak… well, i do music for passion and work so it just… it just caught my eye” chan hummed, pointing at the item again “do you play?”

“oh, i used to when i was younger. and then boom, adult life, work, uni… i had to sell it to make ends meet. so, sadly, not anymore” you explained and nodded your head slowly. it was true.

however, a fact was that jooyeon gave it to you. well, he bought it somewhere when he was on a trip with his kindergarten. music ran in his veins ever since he was little. you still have those cute videos when he was younger and used pot lids as drum plates–

“–for a living?” chan’s question brought you back to life. momo arrived and placed your orders. letting out a small, amazed gasp you took out your phone to snap a picture. you’d show it later to jooyeon. maybe one day you could visit the café with him.

“i work in corpo. numbers, numbers and numbers. i wanna change my job but eh… is it worth the risk?” you answer and your life flashes in front of your eyes when your wallpaper appears on your phone.

obviously, it’s your son but you hoped chan didn’t see it. so you try to act like nothing happened: “this muffin is so cute i need to take a picture”

“honestly, understandable. if it wasn’t my millionth time here, i’d snap pics too” he hummed and realised that ever since you exchanged greetings, he would not stop smiling.

“done! ah, yours looks appetising too” you nod, the big strawberry on his cake as red as the guitar on your keychain.

as you two dive into the desserts, you continue your conversation. you’re surprised to come to a conclusion that after such a long time of not having dates, you weren’t stressed. and… you’re having fun?

jooyeon was doodling something next to you with his tongue stuck out while you were in the phone with jihyo and jeongyeon.

“so?! how was it?!” the former practically yelled, causing your son to look up curiously. he twirled his small pointer finger next to his temple and muttered “she’s crazy”, causing you to scoff and pat his head.

“weeell… it was nice. chan himself is veery handsome but also, so kind? it is a little suspicious now that i think about it” you hummed, subconsciously smiling at your son

“noo, please! we’ve known him for a while and trust me, this man doesn’t have a single bad bone in his body. a green flag, if you will” jengyeon whined “tell us more though!”

“well, we talked… had a nice dessert… and talked more. oh and also, we were at the café momo works at!” you said and stood up, going somewhere distant so jooyeon wouldn’t hear your next words

“we know, we did this on purpose so she could tell us the truth in case you ran away or something…” jihyo laughed, causing you to scoff “and girl! she told us you two just wouldn’t shut up! she said she could feel the chemistry from all the way over there”

a blush crept at your cheeks. was is that visible? he’s just… so cute. and smart. and funny. and–

“did you tell him?” jeongyeon cut in, long silence meeting her question. you could hear the heavy sigh she left “y/n–“

“i know but i panicked! it’s like a biggest turn off for a guy, no? like personally, i’d run away” you mumbled looking over at joo engrossed in his task, swinging his feet and humming happily “i’ll tell him next time, i promise”

“you better. WAIT, NEXT TIME?!” jihyo yelled out and all you could hear were squeals and screams. jooyeon jumped off the chair and grabbed the paper sheet he was drawing on

“yes, next time. we’re having a second date next week and he gave me his number” you squealed too, unable to control the excitement. jooyeon grinned and run up to you, handing you the paper with anticipation.

he drew both of you with guitars in your hands. well, you were also holding hands. a lot of hearts and something that looked like a wolf in the corner. there was also a big, crooked but colourful ‘for my beatifull mommy’.

you leaned down and pressed a kiss onto his forehead.

“thank you, my little rockstar. i love you” you hummed, deciding to ignore the typo he made. it’s the gesture that counts.

the next date was a surprise. chan texted you to meet at their company, and because you work close, you agreed. he told you you two would drive for an hour, but he promised it’d be worth the wait.

leaving jooyeon with yuna (who complimented your outfit from head to toe, as if she was the one taking you on said date), you were off.

you arrived at the jyp building, almost pretty sure that jeongyeon and jihyo were watching you somewhere from their offices.

chan was standing there, in his suit and tie loosened a bit with a bouquet of fresh flowers in his hand. you gasped and that caught his attention, turning around.

“oh, you’re here!” he smiled brightly. approaching him, you noticed the flowers were probably a picked set; petals mostly white and in pink shades “this is for you~”

“oh… oh wow. i’m… woah, thank you” you smiled widely, warmth spreading across your body. you couldn’t remember the last time a man gave you flowers (except jooyeon, every year on mother’s day… and literally every time he saw a pretty flower and picked it) “they’re are really beautiful”

“i know, right? i thought about you when i saw them but… you’re prettier” chan smiled cheekily and blood rushed to your cheeks. mumbling a quiet, almost incoherent ‘thank you’ he giggled, pointing at something “my car is parked over there. i didn’t think this through though because there’s no water. hopefully the flowers won’t dry out”

“even if they do, i’ll keep them. dried petals really have their own charm” you hummed, smelling them. you followed chan to his car and he opened the door for you with a charming smile. the vehicle itself was way bigger and more expensive than your own. and way more comfortable. and clean. well, chan probably didn’t have a messy five year old to begin with so maybe that’s why. or maybe he’s just a neat man who likes his environment clean and squeaky? that would be nice but then again, with jooyeon nothing ever is clean.

the drive went fast, way too fast. maybe because there was not a moment of dull conversation with chan and you were truly enjoying yourself. in fact, you didn’t even notice when you arrived at a parking. it was surrounded by tall grass, preventing you to see what’s around.

you left the car, leaving the flowers on your seat and chan joined your side.

“so… how’d you meet jihyo and jeongyeon?” he asked, genuinely curious. you followed him and noticed a beach. letting out a small gasp you took off your shoes, grabbing them in your free hand. chan did the same, leaving your left hand and his right one free.

“well… i had a boyfriend in high school. and one day a girl came up to me and gently explained that she thinks my boyfriend is dating someone else. i was surprised, to say at least and i didn’t even want to believe her. but she was like “girl, you need to believe me! let’s talk to his other girlfriend”… so we did. we realised it makes sense, the girl even showed us pictures she took” you giggled at the memory, suddenly – for a brief moment – feeling how his hand brushes against yours “the girl was jihyo, the other girlfriend was jeongyeon. we decided we want to expose him. in the meantime we asked jihyo why she’s helping us and she told us that he asked her out! can you believe it?”

“what a dickhead” chan grunted, amused smile dancing on his lips. he was listening to you, eyes adoring your face.

“i know, right?” you chuckled and when your hands brushed again, you noticed how the tips of his ears turned pink. cute. “so we exposed him, when he was on a ‘date’ with jihyo. we were sixteen so we just, you know… publicly said this and that. i think jihyo told her friends and the word spread he’s a pathetic liar. but our friendship stayed”

“oh woah. i thought it was just like, clicking after working on a project together but this was way more than i could imagine” he laughed and you joined him.

“yeah, it’s an unusual story. how about you? i’m guessing you met her through work stuff?” you tilted your head.

“mhm, exactly. when i was picked as a manager she congratulated me. then we just started meeting at the monthly meetings for managers and chatted during the breaks” he said and then shook his head “with all due respect, enough about jihyo. i wanna know something about you”

“well, what would you like to know?” you hummed.

while you took a walk, chatting about his career, your passions and his travels, the sun set beautifully at the horizon. once the pastel pinks and oranges morphed into navy sky, stars peeking one by one, you decided to return back to the car.

and that’s when you realised chan lost the shoes he was holding. trying to look for it, which was hard not only due to the darkness but also the uncontrollable laughter you two couldn’t contain, you still chatted. that’s when you found out he’s from australia (“oh woah, i always wanted to go there!”) and that he has a dog, berry. just when you said that you were thinking of getting a dog too (well, more like jooyeon wanted a puppy), chan found his shoes.

they were in the sand, waves moving them around. just as he was about to take them, water came. chan yelped, giggling and backing off. you followed him but then realised the shoes were being taken away by the sea. since you had on a sundress and he was in pants, you decided to walk into the water to grab them.

“no, y/n!” chan called but you were already almost knee deep, taking his shoes. you showed them to him and walked up, scratching your head.

“uhm… i don’t think they’ll be useful anymore” you grunted and before you gave him the shoes, chan took off his blazer. placing it slowly on your arms, he took the wet shoes.

“we’ll see. thank you though, you didn’t have to” he laughed.

only when you entered the car, did you realise how late it had gotten. you texted yuna that you’d be back in an hour and offered for her to sleep at your place. she didn’t read the message, so you assumed she might be already asleep.

chan was so kind as to drop you off right at your doorstep. stepping out of the car, he walked you to the door with a shy smile. the flowers in your hand dried a bit but maybe, hopefully, you’d be able to save them.

“thank you for today” you said with a soft smile, slowly walking up to the door “i had a really fun time”

“me too. seriously, i enjoy spending time with you” chan hummed, his hands behind his back. you had a feeling he wanted to say something else

“the beach was really pretty as well. and thank you for the flowers, i’ll try to bring them back to life” a chuckle left your lips and he grinned “if… uhm…”

“we can do this again sometime” he caught on and smiled boyishly “i’m open to suggestions what fo you want to do next time”

“well, i’ll think about it. and… good night, chan. drive safe and sleep well” you said slowly and took a deep breath before quickly pecking his cheek. chan’s ears turned red as you put in the code to the staircase.

“g-good night, y/n!” he stuttered quickly as you walked in. sending him a warm smile before you went to the elevator, off you were.

chan checked if you’re really gone and started giggling like crazy, fingers gently caressing the spot you placed a kiss on.

during your third date with chan, after texting him all the time you decided to go to the cinema. you paid in advance for the tickets when you decided to see oppenheimer (only because you’ve already seen barbie with your friends). laughing at chan’s reaction when he realised, he promised to pay next time.

but in the middle of the movie you got a phone call. you’d decline it but as soon as you noticed it’s jihyo (because she was staying with jooyeon today), you rushed out of the room telling chan you’re going to the bathroom.

“yes? what’s happening?” you asked as soon as you left, going to sit at the nearby bench.

“pfff… one phone call and you already assume something is happening. well, actually right now…” jihyo started and your heart dropped when you heard jooyeon crying in the background.

“jihyo. what happened?” you hissed, anxiously gripping your knee.

“well, i don’t really know. i was watching the news and doing some paperwork while he was jooyeoning in the background, when suddenly he started crying. i checked if he hurt himself, nothing. he won’t tell me why, he won’t hug me… i don’t know what to do. he told me not to call you but i’m getting nervous” jihyo said and you could tell by the speed of her speech. taking a deep breath, you nodded.

“hand the phone to joo, please” you breathed out and soon you heard your son’s choked sobs. “jooyeonnie?”

“mom…” he sniffled and suddenly started yelling “you’re a liar! you’re gonna leave me just like daddy did! you– you–! i hate you–!”

“hey, hey… calm down, joo. what’s going on? mommy is never going to leave you” you whispered, heart shattering. what is going on?

“you will! you’re a liar! and you’ll leave auntie yuna and auntie jihyo and– and auntie jeongyeon too! you’re a bad, ugly liar” jooyeon started hyperventilating, sobs and cries only audible on the other side of the phone

“jooyeonnie… i’d never leave you, i promise! mommy will be back in a second, alright? do you want me to buy you a snack on my way home? anything you want, my precious baby” you cooed, heart thumping in your chest. did someone say something in the kindergarten?

silence. long silence.

“dino nuggets…” jooyeonnie murmured, sniffling again.

“got it. i’ll be back in ten minutes, dear” you gulped, standing up “love you so much. i’ll be back soon, hold on okay?”

you hung up and hid your phone back in your bag. running your hands through your hair as your mind raced. what happened? who made joo think this way? why–

“y/n?”

you looked up and saw chan walking your way. great.

“are you okay? i got worried, you…” he stopped, smile dropping “you’re pale, did something happen?”

yes. your son – about who you didn’t tell him yet – is bawling his eyes out at home, god knows why. and you’re terrified. parenting books didn’t prepare you for any of this.

“i… i don’t feel too good. i’m sorry, i think i’ll go home” you mumbled, sending him a sad look “i’d love to stay but…”

“hey, hey. i understand. absolutely don’t worry. do you want me to drive you home?” he asked, voice genuinely filled with worry. it made your stomach flip, it was something truly heartwarming.

“no, no it’s okay. i’ll take a painkiller and go to sleep but i’ll let you know once i feel better. again, i’m sorry for ruining our date” you mumbled. chan took your hands in his and caressed it with his thumbs.

“please don’t worry about anything, okay?” he hummed and squeezed your hands “are you sure you’ll go home on your own?”

“yes, i am. i’ll keep you updated. again, i’m so–“ you started but chan shook his head.

“don’t be” he said softly and let you go. you sent him an apologetic smile and walked away. chan observed you until you were gone from his sight.

you were home quickly, with dino nuggets and some other necessities (gummy bears and ice cream). swinging the door open you almost dropped the groceries, running up to jooyeon. he wasn’t crying anymore, which was good but now he was sitting on the couch with his arms crossed. pouting. ah. he’s more angry than sad now.

“jooyeonnie, i’m here” you breathed out, giving jihyo a look. she nodded and took the groceries, preparing to heat up the nuggets for jooyeon “will you talk to me? please. did someone say something bad?”

he put his lips into a right line, looking away.

“you’re a liar. you’ll leave me, just like daddy. even auntie jihyo said she’s scared of you leaving” he huffed, lower lip trembling. you sent jihyo a piercing look to which she only mouthed ‘it was a joke’.

you sat up and wrapped an arm around him. joo slapped your hand, wriggling away.

“i won’t leave, baby. what made you think that way, sweetie?” you asked quietly.

jooyeon sighed deeply.

“the guy”

you looked at jihyo, frowning. she shrugged.

“what guy?” you asked. jooyeon puffed his cheeks.

“auntie jihyo said you’re seeing a guy and in a blink of an eye you’ll leave them. and if you’ll leave them, you’ll leave me” he grunted.

oh.

“baby…” you whined, pouting “that’s not…”

“and– and you will disappear, just like dad! the guy will take you away!” jooyeon whined and finally looked at you, cheeks and lashes still wet from tears.

“he will not. your dad was a pu– scaredy cat. he was scared, that’s why he left. i will never… ever, ever leave you, joo!” you smiled and squished his small cheeks “yes, i am seeing a guy. but even if i like him and i’d like him to be my boyfriend, i won’t leave you. we’re a pack, you know? whoever would want me, has to want you too, hm?”

“was dad scared of me?” jooyeon asked, eyes tearing up again.

“oh no no no! he was… how to say it… he was scared of the responsibilities” you sighed. well, technically joo’s dad was scared of him but that’s not a conversation for now, with a five year old “you’re not the reason, okay? if anyone said anything to you…”

he shook his head slowly. so this was the case. poor jooyeon was just scared and… in fact, you did neglect him lately. you didn’t… you didn’t even ask him about his day. after picking him up from kindergarten you went straight away to dress up for the date–

“if that would make you feel better… if there’s a guy i’m seeing, you’ll have to accept him. or not. if you don’t like him, you tell me. we have a deal?” you cocked your head and reached your hand out.

“m’kay…” he murmured and his smaller hand squeezed yours. you pulled him into a hug, hiding your nose in his hair.

“i’m sorry i made you feel that way” you mumbled. jihyo came over, sniffling. sending her a shocked look you realised she’s… crying.

“i have dino nuggets!” she said cheerfully despite her voice trembling. jooyeon leaned away and pecked your cheek before aiming for the nuggets. you let him eat and looked at jihyo.

“what? you made me emotional. can we approve the guy too?” your friend mumbled. you nodded and scoffing, you hugged her too.

during your fourth date with chan – and yet another one during which you didn’t tell him about jooyeon – you were currently strolling down the street, coffee in your hands. well, you drank yours. having a small chat you couldn’t help but giggle when he told you about the time he mistakenly took wrong pendrive to work. resulting in showing his boss a presentation he made for a powerpoint night with his friends, titled: “why felix eating chicken is cannibalism��. you were about to ask him how on earth he didn’t get fired when–

suddenly your heart dropped and everything started happening in slow motion.

jeongyeon and jooyeon walking from around the corner, holding hands. jeongyeon was talking to him, smiling and your son was engrossed in the conversation. he was holding a small flower. his ebony eyes noticed you and widened, sparks of joy. his lips opening, a tiny hand of his letting go jeongyeon’s. and then you heard it.

“mommy!”

joo ran your way, almost dropping the flower. chan was still clueless, eyes laser focused on your features. once he realised something’s wrong, jooyeon was close. your instinct told you to squat and open your arms to hug him, so you did. joo’s body hit yours, tiny hands wrapping around your neck.

“hiya mommy!”

you hugged jooyeon back and leaned away, tucking a strand of his longish hair that stuck to his forehead. was that paint–?

“hi baby” you whispered, barely audible. jeongyeon walked up, panting. finally you looked at chan, heart pounding against your rib cage as if it was about to break any second. you couldn’t read him. sure, his mouth was hanging open and his eyes were widened but…

only when you picked up jooyeon and came back to chan’s eye level, there it was. the reaction you knew too damn well. features dropping, shock morphing into realisation. next was…

“that’s… that’s your kid?” chan spat out. jeongyeon squinted, jaw tensing. she liked chan, sure. he was a nice guy and a hardworking manager. but what he was about to say could completely change her point of view.

“yes” you mumbled faintly, sending him a weak smile “it’s my son–“

“you didn’t tell me. i get it, not saying anything about– i don’t fuc… know, a goldfish when you were nine but a child“ anger. anger was next and now there will be– “y/n… i’m disappointed”

your heart dropped. you had a small flame of hope that he won’t be like the other guys. he won’t run away, he won’t judge. but no. despite all the fun time and genuine softness of his character chan was like every single man you’ve met before.

“i can explain–!” a pathetic whine ripped out of your throat, making jooyeon tilt his head.

“i don’t… i need to go. we’ll talk later” was all he said before walking away.

jeongyeon quickly came over and took jooyeon from your hands. truly, you were thankful for that. as your heart shattered into pieces, your knees went weak. you wanted to lay down on the sidewalk and cry; no, wail.

looking at jooyeon and then jeongyeon, you took a deep breath. no. you’ll have to wait until later. you don’t want him to see you cry. your friend’s face was saying ‘told you so, you should’ve have told him sooner’ but her hand met yours and gave it a small squeeze.

“i’m sorry” she whispered and nudged your arm. jooyeon poked you and gave you the flower he was holding “let’s go home, hm?”

the next two weeks were tough. chan left you on read, so you gave up on texting him. the worst part was that you knew it’s your fault. you should’ve told him earlier. but… you really thought he’s different. he really was, so caring and soft; he didn’t want just to hop in your bed. but in the end, he’s just like others.

jihyo and jeongyeon wanted to kill him. yuna too, even though she didn’t know him. the girls told you that he’s off ever since that day. jihyo didn’t talk to him, only sending cold looks his way. chan seemed… ashamed every time they met. especially jeongyeon. in fact, he seemed to avoid them.

jooyeon was a sweetheart, though. you weren’t sure if he understood but he knew something was wrong. he tried to cheer you up and it worked. how could it not? he’s adorable himself. bringing drawings and flowers from kindergarten or just watching him experiment on the garage band with a huge smile on his face. just having joo around was enough.

one day, he invited his friends over. it was quite a challenge: five other boys running around in your living room. but their laughs were contagious. while most of them, including junhan’s. he was the most shy one, clinging to you and peeking at the boys. joo though, being the happy virus he is, dragged him away from you and they ran to his room. when you wanted to take a look what’s going on, the oldest and the boldest pushed you out.

so you decided to do some paperwork, a sitcom playing in the background. from time to time you heard shouts and sounds of footsteps… and metal lids smashing against each other. guess they were playing the band game.

smiling upon remembering the times you used to do that with jooyeon while you still had your guitar, there was a doorbell ring.

gaon, one of the boys run out.

“if that’s my mom tell her i’m not here!” he yelled and ran away back to joo’s room. scoffing, you walked closer to the door. how would that even work? if you were to say that, his mom would lose her mind. it was the whole purpose of inviting them so they’re here–

“hi”

your eyes widened. opening the door, you were met with chan. he was holding a huge bouquet of flowers, biting his lower lip anxiously. you were so stunned, you couldn’t mutter a word.

“i’m… can we talk?” he asked, sparks of hope in his ebony eyes. he was dressed like usual, black from head to toe. you on the other hand… already in your pyjamas–

“i, uh… sure, i guess. come in. or no… see… joo has friends over and–“ you started and got interrupted by a loud metal noise. ah yes, the drums. sending chan an apologetic smile, you sighed “yup. that’s exactly what i was going to say”

chan smiled, nodding.

“it’s fine. those are for you. i know this isn’t enough to make up for how i reacted but…” he handed you the flowers. while you rushed to put them in a vase, chan stepped in and closed the door.

his lips subconsciously curled into a smile while he looked around your place. tiny shoes all over the floor, crayons and papers laying around, cars and legos splattered everywhere. there were plenty of pictures too. most of them were just your son. some of them were jihyo, jeongyeon and you. and your son, again. or some pictures with your parents, like on your graduation day. and another one: your parents, you and your son.

“okay, come in. take your shoes off, it’s already a mess. do you, uhm… want some coffee?” you asked, fidgeting with your fingers. he shook his head as a no.

“no, thank you. listen y/n… i’m sorry” chan said, looking into your eyes. you were shocked, mouth slightly parting. he let out a nervous laugh “i’ve been acting like a total idiot since then but i needed some time to think, i’m sorry”

“yeah, i mean– it was kind of a bomb, wasn’t it?” you scoff. chan noticed a glint of bitterness on your face.

“can we sit down? i feel like–“ he started. you led him to the couch, quickly moving away the small, plastic plates boys left after dinner.

when you were settled down, you turned off the tv. there was comfortable silence, only filled with background noises of faint music coming from joo’s room.

“again, i’m so fucking sorry. y/n, i just… you are really the girl of my dreams. i don’t think i’ve ever met someone who understood me so well, who i just had this flow with. and i truly like you, i really do. i… i know the way i reacted was shitty. but… maybe if you told me…” chan finished hesistantly, scanning your face to see your reaction “truth be told, i needed to think it through. i had so many thoughts but… why, why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

you let out a deep sigh, looking down. at his neat black pants and your messy pyjama ones.

“because i did it before. and each time i was met with the same reaction. either a nasty comment or a weird look, and all of them ended up in eventually leaving me without word. or a word as in “listen, you’re cute but the kid”–“ you took a deep breath, feeling yourself bubble up. chan grabbed your hand and squeezed it “and, and i was so tired of that. it was so selfish of me and unfair for you and even jooyeon but… for a moment i wanted to feel loved. wanted to have fun. i wanted to cherish those moments because i knew you’d leave too and–“

crystal tears started running down your cheeks. chan pulled you closer, wrapping his arms around you. one hand at the back of your head, caressing your hair soothingly.

“and it’s awful; i’m awful. joo thought i’d leave him for you and i knew you’d leave me because of him. it’s never ending circle and i’ll be alone forever and joo will think it’s his fault and–“ you hiccuped, not realising you’re rambling “and- and i really liked you and your reaction hurt me but it was fully my fault…”

“hey. hey, y/n. calm down, it’s okay” chan whispered, lulling you in his arms. you gradually calmed down, the feeling was full of comfort. comfort and closeness you needed. such a simple move, yet it had soothing effect. this made you realise why joo loved to be out to sleep this way.

leaning away from chan when you finally gained the strength to, he wiped your cheeks.

“i’m sorry, from the bottom of my heart. neither of us didn’t handle it properly. we’re human, we make mistakes. but then we learn. i understand now why… why you were scared. and i’m so… pissed. because listen, y/n” he said, voice stern but not in a disturbing way. his calloused hands took your smaller in his “despite the way i reacted i realised i like you. and… if there’s… joo… then– then it is a bit of a challenge. but when i was thinking about it and did the math… you were 20. alone, young. during studies, during work. you were so brave. you still are. and you handled it on your own. so why i, a man, should be scared of helping you?”

your eyes teared up again, heart beating against your rib cage unusually hard.

“well, i am. because i don’t know how you’ll react, or if he’ll like me, or maybe because simply i’m new to this. but… as i said… i like you. and i really want to spend more time with you. if that means taking care of your son, i’m willing to do so to” chan smiled, dimples showing “especially if he’s as funny as his mom”

suddenly you heard footsteps and giggles, followed by a sudden gasp.

“no mrs lee! i’ll save you!” the oldest boy, gunil, shouted. before you could react, chan was getting beaten up with pillows by six kids. even the shy junhan.

he started laughing and fought back, gently of course.

“does anyone here have tickles?!” chan hummed and the boys squealed, backing away.

“who’s that?” jooyeon asked, tugging your t-shirt.

“he’s a friend of mine. chan. can he watch your performance too?” you asked. chan’s ears perked up.

“performance?” he repeated. jooyeon nodded proudly.

“yes! but our music is for vips only!” seungmin added and just now you realised they grabbed the keyboard from joo’s room. jungsu, seated next to him, nodded shyly.

“okay! i’m a music producer so if you guys want i can give you some tips…?” chan asked, sending you a smile.

“pft! auntie jeongyeon and jihyo are music producers too, they gave us tips already!” joo grunted, walking away “anyway… is the audience ready?”

chan nodded enthusiastically and scooted closer to you. watching the six boys perform, chan sneaked his hand in yours and intertwined your fingers. with a squeeze of his hand your heart skipped a beat; you finally met the right person.

masterlist <3

taglist. @primoppang ,, @l3visbby ,, @laylasbunbunny ,, @slytherinshua ,, @kazmura ,, @nicholasluvbot ,, @ameliesaysshoo ,, @weird-bookworm ,, @dazzlingligth ,, @litepowee ,, @ocean-minho ,, @lessthanpast ,, @s-e-s-a-I-e-n-e

[perfectfangirl]

notes after rewatching fallout s1 ep4

• cooper and lucy wandering the desert and mans starts coughin', somethin' settin' in • whoa i just realized you could hear roger roaring from outside • roger was at a clinic, probably trying to find something to help him ☹️ • i wrote a whole entire post on this scene but anyways can i say we see full blown uncooked cannibalism hardly ten minutes into episode four like is everyone ok • the fact this scene is presented with a lot of tension, like a horror film and truly it's just a guy named roger fighting to stay not feral • i wonder how cooper met him? ghouls tend to know each other after a while [on account of the discrimination], i'm sure he was checking with this man every now and then tbh. perhaps. a friend. • cooper asks roger how he's feeling and he says "you know... it's hard out here. dang smoothies can be so unkind" and i just 😞 • "i see you got a smoothie of your own" ding ding ding ghoulcy this one's for you • you know what's particularly sad about ghoulification is for example that roger has had to isolate himself from others, even ghouls, because he was turning • roger asking for a vial and cooper looking at lucy [cooper, you botched the using lucy for bait, come on] • firmly in the camp that if cooper had vials left, he would give one to roger. cooper has shown himself to be crude and cruel seeming at times but i just know he went there with purpose • roger accepting he's turning and telling cooper and lucy to leave as a warning, roger seemed so nice, why and how did he get like this

• "i did ok" 😞 • going from standard human to turning into a feral ghoul in less than twenty eight years in the fallout universe is insane and idk if there's a lot of lore on why someone could end up like this and someone like cooper not • the difference in cooper's and roger's symptoms are pretty stark--- not entirely sold on him coughing and passing out is from ferality and more inclined to think chem withdrawals but i digress • "say, you remember how good food use to taste?" post war life is so bad, nobody in the wasteland remembers when food use to food 😭

• because roger is really nice and having a conversation, roger turns, speaking to lucy. cooper using this as an opportunity to kill roger seems so sudden and a betrayal until • look at cooper's eyes and his reaction after pulling the trigger--- not exactly the expression of someone who is in it "for the love of the game", in fact, i have come to view this act as a mercy kill • which is ironic of course because as we've all come to see, lucy does the exact thing for her own mother four episodes later • once feral, ghouls roam the wasteland operating on two instincts alone: hunger and defense. they are a threat to all those around them and i don't recall much on reversal. that's no life. roger would've turned feral and harmed them or others, it is sad • cooper mercy killing roger was in some ways compassionate, he had a sweet conversation with roger giving his last thoughts something warm and nice. cooper then going on to butcher and consume his flesh was an uh choice 💀

• and lucy immediately confused was like "wait?, why'd you do that? he was sick." i don't know if she entirely understands ghoulification, seems she thought maybe he could be helped • lucy is basically confused, begging cooper to not like, eat this guy 😭 • i'm gonna have to agree that he didn't have to eat roger, radroaches is everywhere and for free, still pondering if he did this to fuck with her or because some reason i am missing • cooper asking lucy what her name was [hold on, why he care about that?" and lucy so nearly coming this close to finding out what hank did and who cooper is [since she didn't ask his name] • "sometimes a fella's got to eat a fella" is my all time favourite quote in season one of this show lmao • cooper be funny as fuck for no reason like this man's brain is cooked • i would personally like to ask walton whose idea it was to go "mmm. mmm." while eating irradiated human flesh like that, like why is the pre war actor cooper howard like this • lucy is incomprehensibly disgusted but then goes on a thing [a vulnerable thing] about vault 32 starving [in the great plague of '77] and that she lost her mother during this time and that her father never resorted to cannibalism. there's some time and memory discrepancies here • "well there's what people say they did and what they really did" i wanted cooper to be wrong so bad here when he went on to clown hank by saying "i'll bet your daddy was first in line at the cookout. i bet he had a bib with a drawing of his neighbour's ass on it" • lmao they gave all the best lines to cooper, i'm sick, he was right • lucy, having had enough and not finding cooper's humour being used as a way to cope like this asks this disturbed little man • "how do you live like this? why keep going?" and for the briefest moment, and i do mean brief, cooper feels the crushing weight of who he is when lucy confronts him like this • of course he shakes off a moral inquiry and transfers it to another as he asks "why the fuck am i doing all the work?... ass jerky don't make itself." and forces lucy to do it instead • twice now this man has talked about ass in less than ten minutes and for everyone's sake i'll move along 💀

• woody basically trying to interrogate the raider prisoners and getting nothing, meanwhile--- i think they already starting to be poisoned • ooo ok but betty telling norm he's the last standing maclean in the vault so his words carry and people listen. it occurred to me maybe he inadvertently inspired the poisonings of the raiders but it's also occurring to me that because they couldn't just all be shot outright, being poisoned was the best follow through method, nobody notices until it's already too late. now who is sneaky enough for that? • "when clever boys like you are angry, you're lucky not to have seen where that can lead." so... was betty present for shady sands? hmm • betty asking norm to tread lightly is very... not a threat, but she's watching him, right

• ok! we have that second water scene. it's confirmed here cooper is fetching water from an irradiated source [hence why denying lucy any makes sense] he puts it in his canteen and drinks it just fine. lucy is obviously mindlessly thirsty because she defeatedly drops down to drink the murky, stagnant irradiated water. it's so irradiated, her pip boy is going crazy, she literally gags in the scene • "now you're getting it. how does this golden rule jibe with what's going through your head now?" well i mean we knew cooper been fucking with her the whole time and showing her the wasteland streets but it is also unlikely she would have found a clean water source where they are, i guess her getting radiation sickness may have been inevitable but cooper denying her water kept her from being sick • after another insane string of sentences from this centuries old movie star, lucy finally asks "what are you?" and it's more like "what the fuck is wrong with you?" • "oh i'm you, sweetie, you just give it a little time" is majorly menacing after everybody just drank stagnant rad water like it's koolaid • cooper felt so smug then was zapped with karma again because he has a coughing fit directly after telling lucy this lmao • walton has such a good old man cough ❤️ • lucy takes cooper coughing up a lung as an opportunity to run [where i don't know but] • cooper uses his lasso skills he used to use at kid's parties to pull lucy back and then says some shit like "where you think you going? you ain't going nowhere."

• so we have arrived at the infamous and intriguing finger biting off scene--- can i just say she bit his finger off with such ease and then! cooper doesn't even act like it hurt, he seems... pleased he got that kind of reaction out of lucy. he's like into it 💀 • "there you are, you little killer" i'll keep this pg13 and say cooper really wanted to get a rise out of lucy, to bring the dog out of her, huh • he... then proceeds to cut her [corresponding hand's] finger off. ironically applying the "do unto others as you would have done unto you" tit for tat, if you will • i was surprised he did this because like ok, she spat it out? pick it up and reattach it, fella 😭 but there's more under the surface here because • cooper says "now that right there is the closest thing we've had to an honest exchange so far." and he's being framed in a close up so close, you can see his dainty eyelashes, sun shining in the background, his hazel eyes sparkling--- this is not on accident ☝️ gdgkdkfd • there's a lot of symbolism to be had but for now, i'll save that for next episode notes when cooper does the thing • ah chet! and steph. i kinda am of the idea she strategically got with him but anyways! who wouldn't! chet hot as fuck! and steph look like an assassin • bert's shoes so small gldgldfl • steph is definitely angry and sad dealing with bert's death in her own special way [trying to fuck chet] • excuse me but why they turned an almost sex scene into a birthing scene 😭💀 • lucy been walking the wasteland without a shoe, how she do it 😭 • i did not pick up on cooper bartering lucy for two months' worth of vials [thanks subtitles] • "mint condition" [looks at a bloody stump on hand] "near mint condition" now who fault is this?? lmao • "you got problems out here too, sweetheart" like, shut up 😭 • cooper every time he interacts with a mr. handy is one of the only few places he gets to hear a voice of this old friend • "best you try your luck behind that door" well at least he untied her • this is like the third time he's gotten instant karma with lucy because either he pretended to keep it together until she went in or genuinely didn't know he was going to pass out but • went through the five stages of grief trying to figure who he sold her to because i deadass was thinking the same thing lucy was 😭 • lucy being given the finger of like, a corpse or something because it's grey 😭 forever changed by the wasteland, always carrying a little bleakness and death with her ❤️ • lucy never experiencing real cotton [or maybe only rarely] • lucy calling cooper a creature 😭 • "he put a leash around my neck and made me drink from puddle water that i'm pretty sure was some kind of animal pee" sending 😭 she talking to this evil mr. handy like it's a person • her recounting her captivity with cooper like he was simply being mean to her is just • "and i thought i was here to be a sex slave." "what?! no! what a disgusting idea. i'm simply going to harvest your organs." damn, fallout which one is worse, like fuck---

• hope the jello cake veronica got wasn't poisoned... • "what are you looking at?" "a murderer in a cage, paying the price for what you did to us. for what you did to the innocent people in vault 32" and norm gets circumstantial evidence from a raider by accidentally cross examining one of them with it being more than anything woody could coax out of them • one thing about the macleans, they smart • i also think it's excellent writing that intrigue was spurred like this by a raider saying vault 32 wasn't innocent because they were running an experiment like all the vaults did, everything isn't so black and white • norm reads every situation correctly because why he read chet by saying chet came along to investigate because norm reminds him of lucy fkdgkdkg • still piecing together the full extent of vaults 31, 32, 33 together but at first i couldn't understand why it looked like so many took their own lives--- apparently them discovering what vault 31 was about started a rebellion but two years seemed so recent to me. curious how this overlaps with shady sands if it does • they showed the spooky ass rat utopia experiment still playing on the tvs in there but i wasn't sure if this was explicit about that being vault 32's experiment

• lucy being prompted to continue on because of a flashback from her mom upon awakening 🥲 • "lucy sweetie what are you doing out here?" and those were her memories on the surface [nevermind cooper calling her [[condescendingly]] "sweetheart"] • i did not realize the ghouls were being kept in the freezers but it looks like they either only sell ghouls or keep the ghouls "on ice" [not unlike how dom pedro would keep cooper and cut pieces off of him] and collect the organs of standard people right then and there • "sir, you can't do this. please, i need my organs" lucy, it's just a robot bulter, he's not a real guy 😭 • the way lucy got out of this pickle quick, almost got snip snipped but short circuited the murderbot • lucy putting her murdercap on and putting drano in the murderbot's syringes, clever girl • it was so "star wars" of her to treat mr. handy like a person and then the guys running the organ trafficking scheme going "you might as well be holding an air conditioner hostage" 😭 • the organ traffickers running the super duper mart ring are so dull and banal evil types, it's so satire

• i just registered those two organ trafficker guys got a camera and can see cooper laid out in front of the store • lucy freeing the ghouls 🥲and one even thanking her [even the feral ones 💀] • poor martha, i peep how we see lucy's grey finger and it being shown used to defend herself against martha in her feral state • organ traffickers got ate up bless • nothing lucy did besides shoot was going to honestly stop martha, sometimes your pacifist playthrough doesn't go as planned • the pip boys still being on and running on the not alive people in vault 32 • "death to management" and it's directly the reference to vault 31's experiment, right there

• lucy walking out of there with mismatched shoes but two shoes nonetheless ☝️ • i guess lucy sincerely did not comprehend cooper is a ghoul or ghoulification, i suppose most vault dwellers literally would never know, that's post war history, wow • lucy asking cooper about if the vials keep him from going feral and he cannot even speak, he can only nod, from a prone position, on the ground--- the power/framing trade off is excellent • lucy bends down, briefly rolls the gun in her hand, while cooper lies helpless, she delivers a fatal line • "i may end up looking like you. but i'll never be like you" harbouring not enough ill will against him despite mistreatment, she gives cooper several vials, directly near his hand. didn't have to do none of that shit! • if i was cooper, i'd be scared as hell of this lady, she took down an organ trafficking ring in a grocery store ran by two armed guys, a murderbot, with some feral ghoul hostages, all of the bad and dangerous people fucking died • she really could've ended cooper right then and there, his devotion in season two gone be unmatched lmao

• i truly think he had a hint of a smile on his face after she helped [save his life] by anyways • lucy walks into the proverbial sunset meanwhile this man shambles into super duper mart about to go on the biggest bender the wasteland has seen since the bombs dropped • cooper gets so fucked up, i lost count how many things he ingested, king said all of 'em • cooper is so goddamn famous, his film "the man from deadhorse" is just sitting next to a tv • you could say here is where cooper has a crisis of conscience whereupon he holds the tape in his hand but truly we know already he had that centuries ago when he filmed "the man from deadhorse"

• cooper watching the scene, the very moment in his life where things started to shift--- he tries to cock an invisible fun, being unable as he remembers his trigger finger is gone [neutral, disarmed, here's where i think he decides he wants to sew on lucy's finger to his hand] it's like he's starting over, a moral rebirth but with his trigger finger • they really made cooper say "you commie son of a bitch" in a western, just ugly propaganda • let's examine "feo, fuerte, y formal" again! "ugly, strong, dignity" does post war cooper have two out of three on that front? is this his step into regaining dignity again? • cooper was always playing characters, it was expected of him and he got paid for it. it feels like a wall is being torn down, something is being shed here. and maybe it's this character he's masquerading as • cooper and lucy both having revelations in the super duper mart--- lucy realising you can't always reason and logic out of a situation and cooper being confronted with the fact you can keep your morality and sense of self intact and a horrible place and situation doesn't have to change you

[badlydrawnmanic]

sonic movie 3 was pretty good BUT

i'm sorry, i can't help but feel disappointed by how gags seemed to take precedence over the plot more often than not, they removed the crucial detail of shadow being an artificial creature rather than naturally born, his unique link / relation to sonic despite never having met him, and the weight present in the ending of SA2 is just... ignored

after i saw the movie i went on at least an hour long monologue to my friend about how fascinating and tragic shadow's story is in SA2 alone much less when you consider the stuff that comes later, and hearing this she said that the movie felt like it was made by someone with about as much sonic knowledge as her (which isn't very much). i said that it felt like the people who made the movie may have played / looked into SA2 before making it, given very direct references and nods to the original title, but like... they stopped playing halfway through when it got serious / hard, like they got bored with it or something. i then had the same monologue with my mom the moment she woke up (sorry mom) because i couldn't sleep i was thinking about how much the ending felt half-baked and what i might've done with the movie series as a whole if i were the one writing

i understand that the target audience is general folks and especially kids, but as an adult super-fan who's been mega into this series since i was 7, it really sucks to see something you love so much not receive the love and care you would have given it after finally making it to a major hollywood production

i wanted to be able to cry going into this film, and i didn't feel... much of anything. some moments were really cool! but then it cuts to a scene of Human Characters Dicking Around For Way Too Long to the point where the other characters are complaining they're bored and it's like. y'all why

i'm not saying it isn't worth seeing, but if you're looking for a faithful adaptation of SA2, specifically with the weight, somber feeling, and finality of the game's end, you aren't gonna get it. probably better if you go into it expecting more comedy than proper action / satisfying story beats

all that and the second post-credits scene... fun fact, shadow wasn't supposed to come back after SA2. he was supposed to die and stay dead. he only came back in sonic heroes because everyone thought he was So Cool and sega delivered, so something about teasing that shadow is still alive feels... off? him coming back in heroes was a genuine surprise and delight for a lot of people and this also took the ending that's supposed to be sad and removed any sort of finality it may have had

metal sonic is cool though, and amy is very cute. wonder what they're gonna do with that for the next film

[narrynukezankielover]

If you are a Sam or Jared fan don’t read this. The beginning of season 7 (im on ep 8) is extremely hard to watch. I’ve read people saying that when Cas dies Dean gets depressed and suicidal but I wasn’t prepared for how bad it gets. I thought he just went into certain situations before thinking about it or something but the fact he’s drinking way more then he usually does, he had to give himself a pep talk to go home with a girl (clearly he didn’t want to do it he just thought it’s what he does so he had to do it but I’m glad he didn’t since he’s not in a good place) haveing nightmares and not reacting to certain things the way he normally would is bad enough but then telling Bobby that if he is dead he was going to put him and Sam in the car and drive into the water (can’t remember his exact words and considering I bawled when I heard it I’m not going back to find out his exact words) but then when he seen that Bobby was alive he wasn’t even overly happy he just said “oh you’re alive” and then he was just going to let the god guy kill him without even trying to help Sam come up with a way to stop him is just heartbreaking. They try to say it’s a combination of Cas dying, Sam’s hallucinations and killing misses but he has done stuff behind Sams back before so killing her wouldn’t cause that much guilt on him. He has dealt with Sam not haveing a soul which he said just creeped him out and Sam being addicted to demon blood and that didn’t effect him so I don’t think he’d get that depressed over Sam hallucinating the only new thing is Cas being dead. After the end of season 6 it makes a lot of sense for him to act that way now.

I hate that the show makes Dean seem like the asshole self centred one but it’s Sam who’s those things. Dean is always looking out for Sam (and now Cas), protecting Sam and now even though he’s going through so much he’s still worried about Sam and asking him how he’s doing. Sam is watching Dean go through one of the hardest times in his life and yet the only time so far he asks Dean how he is it’s about the friend of his Dean killed. Seriously? He was standing right next to Dean when Cas trench coat washed up and yet Sam never said a thing about the whole thing to Dean. I actually really hate Sam for this.

Now that I know a bit more about season 7 then I originally did (Misha being fired) I now see the scene of Cas trench coat a bit differently and in fact I see a bunch of scenes a bit differently. I now see that first scene as more the actors real feelings. Dean is so upset because Jensen is upset of Misha not going to be around anymore and Sam basically not caring (he literally just stood there and didn’t have any reaction to what happened) because Jared probably wasn’t overly upset about Misha. I’m not saying they’re not friends but they are definitely not as close as Misha and Jensen and he was probably happy that the spotlight would be back on him again instead of Destiel. I think this is also shown in the other eps. I understand Sam is going through his own stuff but if Cas and him were friends I would think he would at least be sad that Cas is dead.

[do-androids-dream-ao3acc]

I am the broken, I am the wound

@asraindarkness said whump, and I was, yeah! The story, however, said uh-uh. There you go, 3,925 words BuckTommy, including PTSD and a love confession. Below the cut and on AO3.

(1: Buck’s POV)

It was the small things.

Trifles, inconspicuous at first, accumulating until they no longer appeared to be random. And still it took Buck weeks, months even to connect the dots. It might have been politeness, or rather some kind of consideration, why Tommy wasn’t staying the nights. Some old fashioned way to keep the pace low, to let Buck acclimate to the fact that he was with a man now. Which was, of course, cute, but since Buck basically jumped on said man after a couple of weeks, not exactly necessary.

He never stayed over night, but even if that gave Buck a headache sometimes, it might just have been an endearing quirk. But there were other signs, only he didn't understand them until later. That wary look on Tommy's face at some loud noises. The fact that he never talked about his time in the army. How he always got up to get a drink or go for a pee when a movie turned all too violent. Later, of course, Buck wondered how he had not noticed all this. It was just that Tommy didn't quite realize it himself.

A few weeks after their first kiss and a few much more fruitful dates, the wedding to which Buck had invited Tommy finally happened – albeit in a completely different way than planned. After it, they went to the loft, took a shower together, made out in Buck's bed, talked and laughed; and then, Tommy fell asleep. 

It was mesmerizing. Of course, he had been on a shift when Buck texted him about the unplanned hospital wedding, and he’d arrived as soon as he could, covered in soot from a fire that would be on the evening news. He was exhausted, basically only kept up by Buck's text that there would be cake. So it was no wonder that his eyes eventually closed, and Buck was enraptured by the sight. He lay there for a long time, looking at Tommy until darkness fell over the city, until he decided to end the day and lie down next to him. Tommy didn't wake up when he carefully wrapped an arm around him, and that’s how he fell asleep, blissfully thinking of the morning when he would wake up to this sight. 

He woke up to a scream.

Buck, a first responder with instincts hard to suppress, immediately sat upright in bed. He squinted into the darkness, confused and tired, unable to find his bearings for a moment. Had he been dreaming, or had he actually heard something? Buck’s gaze fell to the other side of his bed, and he remembered; yet the warm, fuzzy feeling of last night wouldn’t return. 

Tommy sat there, the comforter tangled between his legs, his naked torso wet with sweat. The dim surroundings revealed little, but he was bent forward, head in his hands, breathing heavily. 

“T... Tommy?”

He didn't even know why the sight unsettled him so much. Tommy was one of those strong guys with a soft core, one to shed a tear during a movie’s love scene, claiming there’s a speck of dust in his eye. With Buck, he was soft and gentle all the time, just … not like this. He carefully reached out a hand, touching a very tense shoulder. The touch seemed to electrify Tommy, he looked up, startled. Buck couldn't quite make out his eyes, but if he'd had to guess... he looked haunted.

“What happened? Nightmare?”

Buck gave his voice a reassuring edge, because underneath the distractedness, the obvious sadness of Tommy's whole frame, something else was lurking. Buck had seen this kind of tenseness, this hardened jawline, the hurried look before. It was a mood that could quickly turn aggressive. That seemed hard to imagine with Tommy, but it had been a long road to be at ease with himself, and his physical assets were impressive. And whatever was wrong with him, calming him down seemed the best option. 

“Yeah,” Tommy drawled. “Must have been a dream. Sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep, I need to leave.”

“Tommy, you really don't need to…” Buck said, but Tommy rose, gathering his belongings, one foot in his jeans already. A wistful smile played around his lips as he kissed Buck goodbye.

Buck was jittery for a few days afterwards, without knowing exactly why. Tommy was back to his old charming self a day later, he even apologized by saying that he was not used to fall asleep next to somebody. It was a strange statement, and Buck had the oddest feeling that something was wrong, something deep down in Tommy, and for some reason, that frightened him. It was inevitable: his thoughts revolved around possible mistakes, turning every conversation around in his head. He even wondered whether Tommy could have lost interest so quickly. However, there was nothing to suggest that he had. Maybe it was all in Buck's head, but he was still convinced it was in Tommy's head, too, and he needed to find a quiet moment to talk to him. 

A peaceful dinner after a non-stressful, quiet day, on which they fortunately both finished work at the same time, seemed the best opportunity. Buck had ordered cake – he wasn't so presumptuous as to think he could bake just because he liked to cook. He didn't eat any of it, but watched Tommy with pleasure as he shoveled in the second piece. The only thing distracting him was that he thought about how to bring on the topic. How to start a conversation about something you weren’t sure about? Maybe Buck was just overthinking it, maybe Tommy was fine, maybe there was nothing. His guts, however, told him otherwise. He just needed to find a way to make this not about himself. That should be easy, because he really, really cared for this man. 

Tommy finished the cake, and Buck opened a bottle of wine.

“Wine? Did you run out of beer?” Tommy teased him. 

Buck's former self would have run to the fridge, but by now, he knew better. He knew Tommy better, his somewhat odd jokes, his sarcasm. Maybe that was the key, he thought while handing Tommy a glass. Perhaps he should have realized sooner that all this could be a coping mechanism – after all, that was an experience he shared. 

“Hey, uh, I... I wanted to talk to you about something,” he said, sitting down at he table again, shoving the empty plates aside and clutching his glass. 

“Fine. I figured something was bothering you, Evan.”

Tommy's nose folded into an adorable scrunch as he cracked a broad smile. Strangely enough, Buck now felt guilty. As if he was about to say something that would wipe this smile away, and he didn’t want that. 

 “It's about…” he began, but his voice trailed off as the ceiling light above them suddenly flickered.

“Do you often have problems with power cuts?” Tommy asked, frowning. 

“Nah, never,” Buck returned.

He looked up as if he could make the lamp work with his thoughts, and sure enough, the flickering stopped. 

“Maybe it's a solar storm,” Tommy said and took a sip. “I've read about them, they’re...”

The light went out altogether, and he fell silent. Now the loft was pitch black, covered by a blanket made out of darkness.

“That's odd,” Buck remarked. “Well, let me check the fuses, wait, I’ll use my phone as a torch.”

It shouldn’t be that dark, he thought, and it took him a second to realize it was missing the usual glimpse of this suburbia’s light pollution. This wasn’t just about his apartment. Fumbling with his back pocket, he got up. That was the second when a gigantic blast was heard from outside, a violent noise that rattled the windows. Buck dropped his phone and cursed, at the same time a second noise sounded directly in front of him, and he sensed movement. 

“Tommy?”

Buck's eyes hadn't quite adjusted to the darkness yet, but he realized that the second bang had been a chair falling to the floor. What the hell was going on here? Diving under the table, he groped the floor for his phone. 

The flashlight on his cell phone cast strange shadows on the walls. The chair Tommy had been sitting on had indeed been knocked over, but where was he? Why hadn't he answered? The silence after the bang was eerie. Maybe a substation had exploded, ensuring the district lay in darkness now. It had startled him, admittedly, but now his instincts kicked in, they calmed his heartbeat and kept him thinking clearly. Assess the situation. Help those in need.

“Tommy, you okay? Wait, I'm coming for you.”

Despite the pale light from his phone, Buck banged his knee on the table, cursing for the second time. There was no response, and he was starting to get really worried. He flicked the light across the kitchen, into the living room, but there was no one there. Had Tommy gone up the stairs? But why would he? 

He kept scanning around, searching every nook and cranny, his own footsteps the only sound. All of this was eery, not only because of the sudden darkness. This was still his apartment, he knew every corner by heart, light or not. And still, it felt like something was missing, some of the security his home offered, but it wasn’t him who was missing it. 

Buck found Tommy in the bathroom, a dark shade crouching next to the shower, clasping his knees. He dropped down, put the phone aside and let its light illuminate parts of the ceiling. It was enough to see Tommy’s face, absolutely frightened, eyes wide open, staring into the void. He was panting way too fast, close to hyperventilating. Buck knew these signs.

“Tommy. Hey. Look at me, okay? I’m here,” he whispered, his voice hoarse for some reason.  “What... what's going on?”

“I don't know,” Tommy said, almost sobbing, “I don't know, I just don't know.”

_."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._.".__."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._."._.

(2: Tommy’s POV)

“Okay,” Buck returned softly, “all right. Breathe. Slowly.”

Tommy knew that voice, he’d used it himself before, maybe the exact words, and he knew Evan was right. It was just so hard to breathe. With every inhale, he seemed to take in the darkness even more, and with every exhale, he felt like screaming. He had never been afraid of the dark, but for some reason, now he was terrified. The flashlight did little to reassure him; the shadows on the tiled walls seemed to taunt Tommy. 

He didn't look at Evan, he could imagine him thinking feverishly, probably wondering why Tommy had chosen to hide in the bathroom. But Evan wasn't stupid, he would draw the right conclusions. It was a closed space, no windows, somehow a safe space. Some people believed it was one of the safest places in case of an earthquake, and Tommy knew that Evan lived in L.A. long enough to have witnessed at least one. Whatever had shook Evan’s windows, it most certainly hadn’t been an earthquake. But whatever it had been…

“… it triggered something,” Evan said, as if he was able to read his mind. “The… the noise, maybe even the darkness?” 

It was a question that didn’t really call for an answer, not now. Evan reached out and grasped his slightly shaking hands. They were cold against Evan’s warm skin, but he didn’t withdraw. To his own surprise, he started talking. 

“Been having nightmares for a while,” he said, only to fall silent again immediately after these words.

Evan frowned, “T…that’s why you never wanted to spend the night here? Tommy... you could have just told me?”

Tommy shrugged, not looking at him.

“It felt strange. Annoying. Like a me-problem, you know?”

He still didn’t dare to look at the man, but Tommy could imagine how that must feel to him. Evan, who had so much, too much experience in trying to not be a burden to anyone. He’d come a long way, Tommy knew that. It hadn’t felt right at the time when he asked his former coworkers about his crush, and without them even knowing why he asked, in the first place. He could imagine what he felt and thought right now, and he was right: Evan briefly let go of his hands to lift Tommy’s chin, searching his gaze. 

“You’re not a problem, Tommy,” he assured him. “We’re in this together now, remember? If anything, the world’s in double trouble.”

That man… Evan didn’t know half the things he invoked in Tommy. He could feel his shoulders lose some of their tenseness, and his jaw relaxed enough he finally sensed  the coppery taste of biting the insides of his cheeks.

“Tell me about the dreams,” Buck said. 

“That's the thing,” Tommy returned, shaking his head, ”I don't remember much. But it's... kind of gruesome, creepy. Everything's blurry, but it feels dangerous. Silly.”

“It's not. It’s how dreams work, right? Tell me why the bang outside startled you this much.”

The flashlight on Buck's cell phone went out without warning, and he hastily turned it back on. Tommy was grateful for the moment of darkness. If he would only be able to sort his thoughts. But there was nothing he could hold on to, nothing to put a finger on. The dreams, well… they had been gloomy and strange, nothing else.  

“I don’t think it’s the darkness,” Evan cautiously continued, “or if it is, it’s along with the bang we heard. You know, it… it took me a while to stop flinching at every flash of lightning. M…maybe it’s something you experienced in the army?”

Finally, Tommy turned his head to look at him. Of course he would eventually get there. Tommy didn’t like to see these beautiful blue eyes filled with so much concern, but this time, he was helpless.

“But what? I hardly remember my time in the army.” 

“Come on,” Buck went, searching his gaze, “I’m sure that’s not true. I mean, certainly, you must have experienced things you’d rather forget…”

“No,” Tommy cut him off, “it’s not that that I want to forget them. I actually can’t remember.”

Buck furrowed his brow, “That's textbook PTSD,” he said. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not. I think,” Tommy muttered, ruffling his hair. 

“You hid this from me, you know.”

Tommy heard the insecurity, even if Evan tried hard to mask it. He was trying so hard to sound confident, not at all hurt, because this wasn’t about him. That was exactly what made it so hard. Tommy didn’t know why he himself hurt, but he did, and he didn’t want to drag anyone down that road. Especially not Evan. 

“I didn’t do this on purpose, Evan,” he said, surprised at how tired he sounded. Exhausted, even.

“I know,” Evan soothed him. “We don’t need to find a solution right now. You need some sleep.”

“No,” Tommy said with a strange kind of urgency creeping up his spine. “I can’t sleep. It keeps coming back. I need to know why.”

“Okay. Fine. Let’s think about it, then we’ll lay down together, and first thing in the morning is calling the shrink. Deal?”

“You don’t have to do this, Evan. I can just…”

“Look, I don’t want you to go home, Tommy,” he was cut off intently. “We’ll get through this together.”

Suddenly, Tommy sighed, as if he had held his breath for a very long time, and though it sounded a bit like a sob, he felt way more content now. I needed to hear this, he thought surprised.

“When did this start?” asked Buck. 

Tommy wrinkled his brow. Thoughtfully, he stared upwards into the flashlight’s pale glow, which chose this moment to go out again. Buck suppressed another curse and switched his phone back on.

“Ten weeks,” he replied, “maybe twelve.”

“Well, what happened back then? I know this much about PTSD to believe that whatever happened to the power supply tonight was not the trigger. It must have started somewhere. Something at work? You didn’t crash with the helicopter, right?”

“I think you’d have heard about a helicopter crash around the time we rescued Bobby and Athena,” Tommy answered dryly. 

“Right,” Buck sheepishly returned. They exchanged a weary smile. “So that’s when the nightmares started? Do you think it’s that? It was a risk. Dangerous. We could have died. Or lost our jobs.”

“Interesting priorities that you have there,” Tommy said, sounding more like his old self now. “Nobody died and we even got medals for it. Don’t think that’s it. Moreover, I think it started a bit later. Like… after…”

His voice trailed off, and he could see on Evan’s face that his eyes must have taken on a haunted look again. But he did feel haunted. It wasn't that he really remembered, rather as if lots of little pieces suddenly fitted together like a jigsaw puzzle. Or, he thought gloomily, like a game of dominoes triggering a chain reaction.

“After what?” Evan softly asked.

There was no way he would evade this now. Not after all this, not after Evan seeing him in such a rattled state, hiding in his bathroom. “After the basketball game.”

“You mean the one with Eddie?”

“I was injured,” Tommy said, definitely not an answer to Buck’s question, “in the military, you know? That’s what the files said.”

“T…the files? So that’s what you don’t remember?” 

“I do remember that I was hurt, something hit my head. Two weeks in hospital, a honorable discharge right after, all of that is still there. It’s just … I don’t know what happened before that. What hit my head? Who was with me? What happened? It’s a blur. Nobody told me anything, you know? They said it’s amnesia, it would all come back, and they were told not to upset me. That was a lie. The files were mostly confidential. I wasn’t allowed to read what hit me or why.” 

Tommy didn’t dare to look at Evan after he got rid of all that. He stared straight ahead, or maybe into the void. 

“That's tough,” Evan said softly.

“That’s the army,” Tommy shrugged. “It’s just… the nightmares are so vivid, yet I can’t see anything. It’s more like feelings, sensations, thoughts. Everything is dark, and there are strange sounds. It feels dangerous, but also like I’m leaving somebody behind. I’m afraid, Evan. I’m afraid that I did something bad, something horrible back then, and I don’t even remember it.”

“You could never,” Evan blurted out, reaching for Tommy’s cold hands again. 

A wistful smile crossed Tommy’s lips. “But what if I have?”

“We’ll deal with it as soon as we know more,” Evan decided. “Why do you think it was triggered by the basketball game?”

The torchlight went out again as another expression flickered across Tommy's face,  but he was sure Evan didn’t catch it. He reached for his phone, but Tommy grabbed his hand and held it tight. Several heartbeats long, they sat in the darkness, silent; he didn’t want this to end, didn't want reality to return. But it was inevitable. Finally, he sighed. 

“What if it was you, Evan?”

“Me? I...”

“Let me finish. This time, I need you to listen.”

There was concern in Evan’s eyes, maybe even fear, and he hated to be the cause of it. But it was better to rip off the band-aid fast.

“It started there,” Tommy said. “But it got worse. The closer the two of us got, the more nightmares I had. I liked you from the beginning, Evan, and the game was when I realized it. As soon as you arrived, I only wanted to impress you. Wanted it then and every day after that. That’s why it’s so hard.”

“I don’t get it,” Evan returned, utterly confused.

“I love you, Evan,” he said into the darkness. 

There. He said it. Either stupid jokes or hard facts at the wrong time, that was what he was, right? Tommy heaved another sigh as he added, “I’m not saying I knew this from the beginning. What I knew, though, was that I liked you so much that it almost hurt. Hadn’t experienced that, well, in quite a while.”

“But,” Evan dared to say, “t…that’s a good thing, right?”

His voice sounded so small, so full of hope. Tommy could barely make out his frame in the darkness, but he surely looked very soft, very lovely right now. Tommy had not forgotten what Evan had told him, one night: How his ex-girlfriend had called him needy, and how he had found that to be rude, but also true. Tommy had tried to tell him, to show him that it wasn’t true. That he was worth it, and that it was adorable how he wore his heart on his sleeve. 

“I don’t know. And that’s why I’m afraid. Because… what if I really did something bad back then? What if I hurt people, killed innocent ones, what if I’m a traitor, a cheater, whatever, and it’s buried deep inside me and…”

“… and you’re afraid the dreams might show you what you did, at some point. And I wouldn’t like it.”

“Yes,” Tommy breathed. 

He had avoided this moment for as long as possible. No one liked facing their own demons, but admitting it was worse. He didn't even know what his demons looked like. All that was long in the past, it was blurred and distant – but not distant enough, obviously. Whatever he had done then, whatever had happened, maybe he would never know, and maybe it would break him sooner or later if he didn't share it. But that was exactly what Evan had offered: to share the burden. 

His tongue felt numb, everything suddenly hurt, as if that bang out there had shaken his body. It had only shaken his soul, and yet it hurt. But that was somehow a good pain, one that drove him on. He reached for Evan's hands, about to say something; there was a crackle of electricity and all the lights came back on. They stared into the light, squinting for a moment, then Tommy turned to Evan, determination in his gaze.

 “Let's go to sleep,” he said. “We can deal with this tomorrow.”

Evan looked at him insistently, as if he could see behind his forehead to read his mind, and he asked, “You gonna be able to sleep?”

“I'm more afraid of losing you than I am of the nightmares, Evan.”

The words just tumbled out of his mouth, and Evan's eyes widened.

"Why would you lose me? Tommy. Tommy!" he stammered, as if he couldn't believe this was actually true. Evan grabbed his upper arms as if to shake him, and maybe Tommy deserved it, because now he suddenly said, “You idiot!”

“I... what?” Tommy asked, dumbfounded.

“That was the strangest declaration of love ever. I wish I could have answered I know.” 

Star Wars jokes, Tommy thought. Maybe all was not lost. He still felt vulnerable, a bit like he was a huge open wound. But one that would heal. 

“Yeah, you kinda didn’t answer at all, Evan,” he said.

Now that the light was back, he could finally see him again, and it was his favorite thing to see: that radiant smile, as if the sun was rising. 

“I thought I wouldn't have to,” Evan replied. “But you know what? I want to. I love you too.”

[shsy7573]

Random Lucifer (Hazbin Hotel) Character/Song Analysis Kinda Thing… I Guess

Okay, so yeah, Luci has 100% taken over this page. So what? I’m not obsessed, you are.

Anyway, I’ve been listening to “More Than Anything” on repeat since it dropped, and like a lot of the fandom I tear up every single time… but unlike a lot of the fandom, it’s not because of the sweet father-daughter moment (which, don’t get me wrong, doesn’t help the situation because it’s just so damn wholesome).

No, what gets me is how, just through a couple subtle moments, the show is able to convey just how absolutely shattered Luci is as a character. And, you know, because he’s my favourite, bestest, snek-baby-duck-boy, it makes me a little emotional…

So now you’re all gonna hear about what goes through my mind every time I listen to it. YAY!

“Charlie! You don’t understand, Heaven never listens. They didn’t listen to me. They won’t listen to you!” / “You don’t know that—” / “I do!”

It starts before the song even truly begins. When I’m listening, it’s usually these first few lines that grab my attention. I end up replaying the first 4-5 seconds of the song over and over again because the pain in that “I do” is so fucking good! (And because I like to suffer apparently cuz I end up sad. Life of an angst lover I guess).

It’s the first time we see him with actual tears in his eyes. The raw delivery of that line is so attention grabbing, and manages to say so much in such little words.

I think the reason this particular scene tickles my brain so much is because it’s the breaking point for his character in a way. I am, and always will be, a sucker for moments where a character’s walls finally come down, and we get to see what’s been festering inside. When their deepest thoughts and how much they’re hurting are revealed. The entire song is what that is for Lucifer, starting with these two words right here. I truly cannot put into words just how much my breath is taken away by Jeremy’s delivery of this line. I cannot articulate how much I love it, and how important it is for Luci’s character. it just hits so deep and so right for me and I love it.

Lucifer isn’t just saying that he knows Heaven isn’t going to care about her plan (I don’t think anyone thought that’s all he was saying but whatever). He is saying that he knows what Heaven does to dreamers. He knows what they’ll do because he has already been there, and it destroyed him. They took his ideas that they saw as too outlandish, and they squashed them. Cast him aside. And he paid the price for it when he went bashing their back and did his own thing anyway.

Luci is a broken dreamer. Throughout the entire episode, and the series as a while, we are given very strong hints of this. However, it’s not until this song that we really see it in action. It’s not until these moments that we are able to see past both the veils of “Imposing King of Hell” and “Goofy Guy who’s trying his best but not great at Dadding,” and get a look at how genuinely depressed this man is.

“My dreams were too hard to defend.”

This scene eight here. The more I see it, the more I fall in love with it. Just a great example of ‘show don’t tell.’

He’s talking about having big ideas, he’s talking about giving people a chance and reaching outside the normal, he’s talking about being cast out of Heaven. I just love the parallel he’s drawing between Charlie’s mission, and his own past.

Charlie created the hotel in an attempt to give people who have been seen as lesser to all of Heaven some sort of chance. She is choosing to have faith in them, and to open up opportunities for them to lead a better life.

Lucifer, when he gave Eve the fruit, was taking a chance to allow humanity the chance to have free will. He wanted them to experience everything life had to offer for themselves like angels got to. He offered a chance for them to lead a better life.

He had everything, and he had complete faith that what he was doing was right. All the light and hope of his dreams was right in the palm of his hand. He had so many ideas that he thought, if they were saw through, would make the world a better place.

But it didn’t work out for him.

“And in the end, I won’t lose it all again.”

Now, the first seconds of dialogue may be what I keep rewatching, but this has got to be my favourite visual of the entire song. It’s such powerful imagery, and I fangirl over it every time.

Look at how small he looks in that shot (I know, I know, he’s tiny regardless, but like seriously). He is completely outnumbered, hopelessly overpowered, totally at the mercy of all his Heavenly superiors… and he’s all alone.

He lost everything because he had the gall to dream. It’s not hard to look at the song (and the episode at large, really) and find not only his feelings of being wronged, but also his immense guilt. It shows in how much he hates Sinners. They are basically the worst of what he did, a constant reminder of the day his mistake caused him to lose his home and everything he held dear, and they are all he gets to see. Only being permitted to see your failures for all eternity? No wonder he’s fucking depressed.

The day Heaven cast him out was the day he stopped dreaming. Because dreaming big only leads to pain, failure, and suffering.

“I just don’t want you to be crushed by them like… like I was.”

This next moment is kinda self explanatory and obvious and really doesn’t need any commentary, but I’m gonna talk about it anyway. Because I love it, and I love him, and… you know… angst. I’ve mentioned my lust for it several times now throughout this post, you really shouldn’t be surprised.

I just feel so bad for him. Lucifer made one mistake. One simple, misguided mistake that ended up introducing evil into the world, and all of Heaven came down on him for it. And, you know what, in the narrative presented by the show, what he did wasn’t that bad. He just wanted to give the world’s newest creations the same freedom angels had, and it backfired horribly. Lucifer, like Charlie, was an idealist who saw the best in people and wanted to help.

And what did he get for his good intentions? Shoved into the cesspool he unintentionally created, and forbidden to ever see anything good that came from his dream.

If I had to guess, Lilith was the only thing keeping his mental health afloat for a long time… and then they had Charlie.

“The tales about your lofty dreams. I’d listen breathlessly, imaging it could be me.”

His daughter became the light of his life. Something that he cherished and indulged more than anything else in the world. To him, she was perfect, and he wanted to do right by her in any way he could.

Lilith told their daughter stories of all her father’s dreams regardless of what he thought of them, and when the little princess came asking him… how could he refuse? How could he refuse her anything?

So he shared them with her. All the tales of grandeur, and fantasies of everything he wished the world could have been. All the dreams he had long since let go.

“And in the end, it’s the view I had of you that show me dreams can be worth fighting for.”

Now, the scene where Lily take’s Charlie away has always been excellent brain fodder for me because of how somewhat ambiguous it is. You could interpret his sadness to have SO MANY meanings. However, I have inevitably decided on two potential head-cannons/theories to share here for what could possibly be going through Snek-King’s head.

One: Lucifer loves his daughter, but he feels estranged and like he’s failed her in some way. She’s such a joy, such a wonder, and in a way it's his fault she’s trapped down here with all of human ties worst. He wasn’t to be close to her, and to make the world perfect for her… but he already feels like he’s failed her in the most unforgivable way. He keeps his distance because part of him doesn’t want her to have a super high of an opinion of him. It’s kind of his depression manifesting, saying that ‘she shouldn’t admire you and your stupid dreams when they’re the reason she’ll never see true light and happiness.’

The angst addict in me likes this one more, but still I’ve got another one that always pops.

Two: He feels like he’s selling her false hope, and he can kind of see the place her innocence is headed. He’s seen the horrors of the world, and he knows the more he indulges her dreams and fantasies, the more she’ll suffer when she sees that’s not what the world is like. He knows from personal experience how much it hurts when your dreams come undone, when you lose hope in the world.

Listening to Charlie’s actual lyrics, she tells him that he was the one who inspired her to dream, that he was right to dream, and that she’s not going to back down. In the song, Luci realises that 1: maybe he didn’t fuck us as badly as he thought and that she actually doesn’t blame him and wants her in his life and/or 2: she has her mother’s willpower, and she’s never going to stop dreaming or let her world be sullied like he did. She’s so much stronger than he was.

So he lets her in.

(Side note… AWWW, look how TINNYY he is! He’s so small. The start contrast in the second image gets me every time)

There’s a bit of symbolism in the song which I ABSOLUTELY adore, and it has to do with the wings. In the flashback, Charlie mentions his “lofty dreams,” when we see the duck, which later transforms to have multiple sets of wings. Later in the song, when Lucifer finally lets her in, he also sprouts those wings.

And I just love this, because I think it acts as the perfect symbolism of him finally opening his mind again. Not just to his daughter, but to the possibility of dreaming in general.

He takes her to a circus, a place filled to the brim with spectacles and thrills, a place where humanities wildest imaginations seem possible.

But even though he’s beginning to open up, and he’s willing to help her in whatever she does, he’s not ‘fixed.’ His depression and self doubt and feelings of hollow emptiness and guilt and apprehension aren’t gone.

And he’s still terrified of seeing her spark go out like his did.

This tiny smile break is so addicting to watch for me. It speaks volumes. Once again, my angst loving heart eats it up every time. It says, “I’m still worried, and there is still so much shit going on in my mind right now about all of this, but I’m here for you.”

And that’s what counts.

Luci’s character showed a lot of colours, and came a long way in this singular episode, but he’s still got a big uphill battle to climb. He still has to come back into his own where dreams are concerned. Maybe he never will, not completely. Realistically, he’ll never go back to the way he was.

But maybe, just maybe, in helping his daughter he’ll find something worth believing in again.

That is, of course, if they decide to give him a character arc beside ‘Dad who is trying and doing better,’ but for that only time will tell.

—

And THAT concludes my rant on the Rubber Ducky Ruler. If you stuck around this long, good for you! I wrote this whole thing on a limb at midnight, and NO I’m not going to go back and edit it because why would I ever want to see all the horrid grammatical and spelling errors I’ve inevitably made.

Maybe I’m off the mark on all of this. Maybe I’m head-cannoning too much. Maybe I’m just trying to suck out every hint of potential angst out of a song that’s supposed to be sweet and wholesome. That’s for you to decide. But for me, I’ve decided that I’m satisfied with this analysis. In the end, I just needed to express all the thoughts bumbling around in my head SOMEWHERE before I exploded, and unfortunately, I feel like I’ve run all my friends dry talking about this baby to them, so now it’s your turn. But, anyways, I think that about wraps things up. It’s time to go to bed.

Farewell, stay hydrated, and have a lovely rest of your day/night :)

[sokkastyles]

Hi,

Hope you are doing well.

Thank you for the answer on the Final Agni Kai. I had some questions regarding one of your favorite topics TSR.

Aang's line, "I forgive you, that give you any ideas?" which he uses when Zuko and Katara take Appa seems wrong to me in many ways. It really feels like he desperately wants Katara to forgive Yon Rah, not even realizing that its just not possible for Katara to forgive Yon Rah. In a way, it really shows his discomfort with Katara's darker emotions, but she had been feeling that way since her mother died, along with the fact that she had no idea she could even confront him till Zuko gave her that information.

Do you think that a huge moment of growth for Aang would have to acknowledge this side of Katara as well?

I would like your thoughts on this.

Yeah, that "I forgive you" line is Aang being desperate. It's also really condescending and tone deaf to even compare his "forgiveness" in this scene to Katara forgiving Yon Rah.

I put forgiveness in quotes because Aang absolutely does NOT forgive Katara for taking Appa. He just knows he can't stop her at this point. The sarcastic tone and "that give you any ideas?" make him look pretty hypocritical because he is neither being forgiving nor understanding, he's just being flippant and dismissive.

It's also really clueless for Aang to make this comparison in the first place because, once again, Aang thinks the way to get Katara to listen to him is to compare her to a murderer. People talk a lot about how hurtful it was for him to compare Katara to Jet, when Katara was strongly against the things Jet did and was hurt by him personally. But let's talk for a minute about how Aang's new tactic is to literally compare her to her mom's murderer and compare her forgiving Yon Rah to him forgiving her for taking Appa without permission after she repeatedly tried to get Aang to listen to why she needed to go and he shut her down.

It takes a lot less for Aang to forgive Katara here than it would for Katara to forgive Yon Rah, so this kinda puts a damper on his whole "forgiveness is hard" theme. And even so, as I said above, he's not really forgiving her, he's just making a sarcastic comment while still judging her. Aang is not being the arbiter of forgiveness here that he pretends to be.

Let's also look at the conversation in context because I have more to say here.

Aang is flippant and dismissive - while also implying that Katara taking Appa is comparable to her mother's murder. And I'm not saying it wasn't probably hurtful to Aang that Katara would take Appa without his permission, especially considering what Appa means to him, but it's not comparable to cold blooded murder motivated by genocide. In any way. And, like, considering how they left things in the previous scene, with Katara telling Aang she had to go, what did Aang think Katara was going to do?

I'm pretty sure I've also mentioned before how this plot point is manufactured to make Katara look worse. However, in the previous episode, Sokka tried to take Appa without permission and the only reason he didn't was because Zuko pointed out that it was a stupid idea and he happened to have a war balloon stashed away, which he conveniently no longer has as of TSR. This is basically a case of moral luck, where a character's morality is judged based on plot contrivance.

(I've also said before that Aang not killing Ozai is down to moral luck, but that's another conversation.)

So Aang is flippant and condescending, and Katara seriously and very directly tells him that yes, she is going to take Appa. Mae Whitman's voice acting is phenomenal in this scene, btw. She sounds so sad, because I think she does feel that she is betraying Aang by doing this, but she tried to tell him why she needed to do it. She tried. He didn't listen.

Then she says "don't try to stop us," and Aang says he wasn't going to and that "this is a journey you have to take," but, again, it doesn't feel like he's saying this because he really believes it. It feels like he's saying it because he has realized at this point that he can't stop them from going, short of attacking them. But if he thought he could, he definitely would have continued to try to stop them.

Which brings me also to Zuko's sarcastic comment. Because Aang's the one who sets the tone for this conversation. Zuko simply responds in kind. Katara, by contrast, continues to speak in the same sad, hurt, but firm and direct tone, and thanks Aang for understanding. She thanks him. For understanding. When Aang is offering none of that to her.

I actually think Aang could learn more from Katara about forgiveness, given how much restraint she uses towards Aang here and the way he's treating her.

I think Zuko saw that, too, and that's why he responds angrily to Aang here. Not because he disagrees with Aang's beliefs but because Katara keeps quietly but firmly telling him what she's going to do and he keeps ignoring her and acting like she's being irrational.

I've said this before, too, but that would also be triggering for Zuko to watch this happening, considering how he's been gaslit by his family. Notice how he's quiet until the end of the conversation (and didn't say much in the conversation before that, either.) Aang's language, even if well-intentioned, would probably set off something in him and he's not wrong to defend Katara.

[rottenpumpkin13]

I think CC had a huuuge problem with fleshing out Genesis and Angeal to be honest. I feel like the personalities they’ve been given by the fandom are mostly fanon and don’t have that much substantiation in canon because AG were both largely used as plot devices- which again I think is a big problem because it doesn’t make you feel or understand either of the characters or why they behave the way they do. By the end of CC I felt really bad for Sephiroth, was ambivalent toward Angeal but still felt a twinge of sadness because of how sad Zack was over him, and absolutely loathed Genesis. I’m still not Genesis’ biggest fan but the canon characterization has made him a bit more endearing, though when I go back to canon and see him I’m left disliking him all over again. Unless you really dig into CC lore you have no idea how Genesis felt about Sephiroth, it just comes off like he was always jealous of him and that the relationship was painfully one-sided with Sephiroth practically begging for his friendship. It doesn’t help that 80% of Genesis’ dialogue is Loveless quotes and the other 20% is him being angry and hateful. I guess it’s justified, but unlike with Sephiroth and Angeal you never see Genesis being anything but hateful. With the other two I found myself sympathizing and mourning the loss of the people they were prior to realizing the truth, but with Genesis I wished he’d just shut up and go away already. The training room scene also doesn’t help his case, because first it starts out with Genesis being cocky and wanting to take Sephiroth alone- despite Angeal’s warning- and then later on blasts his best friend in the face with a fire ball all while talking about being a hero. He purposefully escalates the fight, then when Sephiroth gets serious Genesis gets injured and crap really hits the fan- and all this could’ve been avoided if Genesis hadn’t had an inferiority complex the size of the moon. I also find it hard to excuse this whole sequence of events because this was prior to his degradation, and while it’s unclear whether it had started even before his injury, I’m going to say he was still mostly in his right state of mind and he still behaves like he has no care for his friends, even his childhood friend who was trying to keep the spar friendly and prevent it from turning into a fight to the death.

Sorry about the rant, but that other anon talking about Genesis also brought back my thoughts about him and I felt like sharing since I’ve never really written them out.

Canon vs fanon aside, there's a lot of context and nuance often lost when adapting Japanese dialogue to fit English contexts. My biggest gripe with the training room scene in english is how Genesis proclaims "The world needs a new hero" right before he fights Sephiroth, suggesting he wants to take Sephiroth's place/ be better than him. But then you look at translations like this one and that scene gains a whole new meaning. Genesis instead says "I too would like to become a hero." And rather than the cocky "That's no way to talk to a hero," before he blasts Angeal in the face with a fire ball, he states "All I want is to be a hero."

The training room scene is a lost cause, because it's easy to place the blame on any one of them, or on whoever decided to go in there that day, or even on the fight itself, but accidents happen. But in the end, no one is truly to blame because none of them asked for Jenova cells or to be part of the Jenova Project, and the truth is that if it hadn't been the training room incident, something else would have triggered the degradation, or the conflict as a whole, and they would have been doomed regardless.

And that's why Genesis is so angry, and why he's so desperate for the cure that he keeps reciting what (in his mind) is the answer to the cure. I guess the reason we never see him be anything but reactive to the situation he's in because when we're introduced to him, shit has already hit the fan. He's deserted already. The first scene we see in Crisis Core literally has Angeal answer the phone and get the news that Genesis left. The only crumb of pre-degradation Genesis we get is the training room scene which—as mentioned above—got mistranslated in English, so of course we're going to think Genesis was hot-headed and envious (which in all honesty he could've just as well have been).

It's easier to sympathize with Angeal and Sephiroth because everything that's happening is happening because Genesis revolted against Shinra, and I get that. But what makes me sympathize with Genesis (and this is coming from someone who used to hate him) is the degradation and his motives. He wants a cure. He wants to live, and it's hard to live when your body is working against you and literally degrading because of something completely out of your control. On top of that, the people after you, the organization you've always aspired to be a part of because of your childhood hero, your friends including that hero, are on the side of those who did this to you.

Don't know if this makes any sense because I'm literally trying not to fall asleep writing this out asfshsjska

[hamliet]

Kinnporsche: The Symbolism

Not really a meta. More a collection of baby meta ideas I have and/or symbolism I noticed watching the series that didn't make it into my review.

Oh How The Tables...

I'm just saying that it's certainly ironic that Kim's first scene in the show is him mocking Big for his unrequited love for Kinn. He asks Big if he should write Big a song about heartbreak, and ends the series writing a song about his own heartbreak and begging Chay to take him back.

Big and Tawan

In general, I think Big and Tawan were the best done minor characters, and the best done characters in the series, if you look at their complete arcs, after Vegas and Pete (Kim and Chay would be next, but their arcs aren't entirely complete and never will be).

The same episode where Tawan concludes "if I can't be happy, then no one can," and commits suicide (intended murder suicide at that), Big sacrifices his life to save Porsche's, not because of Porsche, but because he loves Kinn. He dies assuring Porsche how much Kinn loves him.

In other words, Big reached the opposite conclusion of Tawan: even if it means he can't be happy, he wants Kinn to be happy. However, the story actually takes a nuanced, complex look at it and doesn't code it as Big=good Tawan=bad; Tawan is framed as tragic instead and you're meant to feel sad over his patheticism, not feel gleeful.

Portraits

Tankhun, Kim, and Vegas all have self-portraits in their rooms, and these portraits are all kind of symbolic of how they see themselves--though not necessarily accurate perceptions.

Well, except Tankhun's. Tankhun's just just a neon portrait that fits with his flamboyant decor. It's in the corner near where he watches his series, and is very straightforward because Tankhun, himself, is pretty straightforward. He's not hiding the same way the others are.

Kim's self-portrait is a watercolor of himself, but you can't any discernible features. Of course, this symbolizes how he hides himself behind many masks.

Behind that portrait, though, is his bulletin board of his family and all the players. Because no matter how Kim acts distant and aloof, he's actually always strategizing and planning to thwart any threats to his family.

Vegas's self portrait is in a secret room that can only be entered via a passcode, symbolic of how it's really hard to reach the true Vegas because he keeps his vulnerabilities locked up. But when you do enter that room, you see a portrait of a misshapen man that looks more monster than human. That's how Vegas sees himself.

Kinn notably does not have a portrait (that I saw), but his walls are instead windows that overlook Bangkok, which can be symbolic as well: that he doesn't see himself fully as a person, but instead as someone who's supposed to be controlling and surveying something much, much bigger than himself.

Kinnporsche Sexy Times

The idea for symbolism here wasn't fully developed, but it's there, so.

The first two times Kinn and Porsche have sex mirror the first sexual encounters with others we see them engaging in. The first scene is the Bad Scene, or really, where Kinn basically assaults Porsche since Porsche is way too out of it to consent. But during this scene, Porsche draws attention to the beauty of the city view, which is a callback to how Kinn's hired prostitute remarked that he wanted to see the entire view (and then opened the curtains to find Porsche there, because Kinn's answer to who he is is more adequately found in Porsche than the city).

Of course it's also kind of a comment on how Kinn views himself in terms of the city, which is not entirely a good understanding lol.

The next time they have sex--and the first time it's consensual--is in the backroom of a club, which mirrors where we see Porsche having sex with the two girls in the series. I'd argue this is probably supposed to be seen as Kinn meeting Porsche where he's at, and to a degree vice versa, but also Kinn's is more morally questionable than Porsche's in terms of consent and power.

Kimchay - The Little Mermaid

I talked a little about the fairy tale motif that was never actually explored in the story despite it having a ton of potential in my review, and I'm going to talk more about it now because I can.

Listen, if Vegaspete and Kinnporsche are both loosely based on Beauty and the Beast (Vegaspete more directly a retelling, right down to resurrection), Kimchay is probably based on "The Little Mermaid," the other story that gets a direct shout-out in text. Here, both characters are both mermaid and prince.

Kim wants to live a life as part of a different world, and uses his voice to get there. In the end, just like the mermaid in the original tale, he loves the prince (Chay) too much to risk him coming to harm, even if that means his own doom. However, it's precisely that selflessness that helps him live above a filthy world.

Chay also wants to live in a different world and uses his voice to get there. Only, despite all he risks to get there, it doesn't quite work out. The prince (Kim) doesn't return his feelings... well, except he does, but he sure made Chay feel like he didn't for awhile there.

Succession: Kinnporsche Version

The novel apparently mentions this but I'm not interested in reading it for Reasons, but I did find it intriguing that the mafia family isn't exactly going to continue considering all five of the current generation (Khun, Kinn, Kim, Vegas, and Macau) are all gay. For all the talk about being an heir and succeeding Papa Korn, it's not gonna go for another generation. I actually like this and think it could be a major thematic point if emphasized appropriately, or brought up at all in the series.

Like. The family burdens the kids because of mafia stuff, trying to pit them against one another and using them to solve their grievances... but love can save the day, and also give life, and quite literally stop the cycle--but it's love that isn't traditional, in a sense. It's queer. This also doesn't mean the characters can't have kids, obviously, but symbolically they have to come up with different, nontraditional ways to do so if they do, symbolic of having to like... break from the traditional patriarchal violence of their mafia upbringings.

The ingredients are there! It could have been a thing!

Namphueng: The King

Namphueng's room has a chessboard pattern on the floor, which ties into the chess motif that Korn was always messing around with. While the audience was led to believe the queen was Porsche in all Korn's playing scenes--and they were right--they were also led to believe the king was either Kinn or Korn. Incorrect. The king was Namphueng, not Kinn or Korn.

The king, after all, isn't really free to move. It theoretically can move in any direction, but only one space at a time. It's quite limited.

I do wonder--not that this will ever be answered--if Namphueng's story is intended a lot more important than just "foster sister." Like maybe her family was wiped out because she was the heir of a far more important family or something.

The Victor Writes History

Or so Korn said. Again, not that we'll ever get it cleared up, and I personally like the ambiguity wherein we don't know precisely what happened between Namphueng, her husband, Korn, and Gun. I wouldn't actually have wanted it perfectly cleared up. Thematic! Complexity!

Gun's memories match better with Porsche's than Korn's do--the cabinet where Porsche hid is open in Gun's memories, but not in Korn's, and Porsche remembers Korn standing while Gun sits, which is what happens in Gun's version. However, whenever there are multiple versions of a story, the truth is probably in the middle, and it's hard to believe Gun, of all people, had purely selfless motives.

My personal guess is Korn did kill Namphueng's husband, but it was less about "how dare you not come back!" cruelty and more a long-game plan to get his and Gun's father to spare Namphueng and fake her death to protect her. I think this fits best thematically with the story and the characters as present in the series, in that Korn's motives can be both caring and selfish and power-seeking at the same time. It's also tragic, because killing someone loved by someone to protect them actually has a way of killing them even if you didn't plan on it. Someone can still be alive but have lost everything, a statement that multiple characters made in the show.

It would also fit that Korn misunderstood the power of love, because he definitely doesn't get it. But he didn't ruin every love story, because Kinn and Porsche end up together.

Whose Handprints?

I am annoyed i never got the answer to whose finger paintings Korn had in his desk drawer (the ones Kim found). I presume it's Porsche and Chay's given that there are two handprints, not three, and one is far larger than the other (plus the emphasis on Namphueng and art) but who knows.

[acourtofinkandpapyrus]

My Little Shadow: Part Nine (Azriel x Reader)

Warnings: Teasing and mentions of reading smutty books!

Part eight Part ten

Tag list: @mis-lil-red @bubybubsters @luvmoo

After some time to adjust to Velaris, Y/N makes a revelation while training with Azriel...

Also, I'm sad to say my posting schedule will be slowing down a bit. Even if they're a bit shorter, I promise to keep getting this series out to you guys!

It had been two months since I had joined this lovely court, and everything had been going well.  More than well, actually.  Noone could get me to admit it, but I was happier than I had ever been before.

Stella and I had a small home, which when Azriel apologized about the size, and said that they’d have something more suitable for a family of two, I hadn’t cared.

I had just grinned at him and told him it was perfect.

And it was, since I had never had a place where I didn’t have to fear someone barging in on me, or locking me inside for weeks.

Not only that, but I had made friends.

Cassian’s training was absolutely insane, and when we started, I felt like my bones were going to snap into pieces, but Nesta had given me good advice, and eventually I was part of her small friend group.

I liked them, I also loved the tiny book club of which I was now part of.

I had also found myself a… an acquaintance of Amren, the female I had been so interested in before.  I wouldn’t say friends, because we never talk, but neither of us mind hanging out, so that’s nice.

Azriel has been helping us train with my shadows, and I have to admit, it’s the favorite part of my day.  Everyone says I can’t actually go out and start spying until Azriel deems me ready.

“You need to keep your balance.”  Azriel hissed.

Oh, did I also mention he’s a complete hardass during training?

“That’s hard to do when the wind is hitting you like a ton of bricks!”  I half shriek as I almost fall off the rock again.

We had been doing this for three days, and I still haven’t been able to stand with only one foot on the rock.  I might have been able to if there wasn’t so much wind but…

“I thought you were supposed to be training me how to use my shadows!”  I shout over the wind, right before falling face first into the ground.

Azriel chuckles, and I get to my knees to shoot him a withering glare, but I can see he’s by my pack, reading the most recent book from our little book club.

I’m blushing heavily as he raised an eyebrow at me.  “This fell out of your pack when you threw it down.  I thought I’d do some reading.”

I tried not to think of the many possible scenes he could be reading right now, the ones that still made me blush when I read them.

Talking to Morrigan, I had accidently let it slip that I was a virgin, and that I didn’t know about any of that stuff at all, really.

Somehow that had made it back to Nesta, Gwyn, and Emerie, who then picked me out the most… detailed books in their collection.

And now Azriel was reading that book, looking up at me with a sly grin.

Azriel was fun.  He teased and taunted me in ways that didn’t feel like he was picking me apart.  And I liked to spar with him in this way, little snarky remarks back and forth.  HAlf of the things I say would have gotten me strung up at home.

“I am teaching you to use your shadows.  You’re just not understanding the assignment.”  He said, flipping the page as his eyebrows shot up.

I can’t help that my face is bright red as I try to speak, my voice coming out stiff, “What do you mean I don’t understand the assignment?  What do my shadows have to do with balancing on rocks?”

He sighed, tossing the book aside to my relief.  “What do you use your shadows for Y/N?”

I study him, trying to figure out his game.  “They help me spy sometimes, but for the most part they stay with me, hiding me when need be and otherwise they stay with me.”

To prove what I had just told him, I beckon them forth, and they appear by my side.  I tried not to smile, thinking we were finally going to start some real training.

He snorted.  “It’s good to at least know they’re here.  Now go balance on that rock again.”

I try not to gape at him, and I was about to give him a piece of my mind, but my shadows have other ideas.

I gasp a little bit as they pull me over to the rock again, and I quickly relent, sighing as I perch atop it once again.

Looking down at my shadows, which seemed to be encouraging me, it suddenly hit me what Azriel wanted.

I’m tempted not to do it, just to spite him.

But my legs are tired, and if this means moving on in our training, then mother help me I would jump off a cliff at this point.

My shadows follow my lead, helping me balance against the wind, and suddenly it’s not a struggle at all to stay upright.

Azriel appears from around the corner, smirking.  “There we go little shadow.”

I shoot him a glare, and he just laughs.

Watching him laugh, my heart flutters a bit, my cheeks turn pink and I struggle to breathe-

I almost fall off the rock as I realize what’s going on to my horror.

I was falling in love with him.

[octopotto]

Yandere! Azul Ashengrotto General Headcanons

OCTO NOTE: Okay I know I said that I would work on the Cloud Strife hcs but then I got sad and thought about Azul lmaooo

Think of this as a celebration post for the live action The Little Mermaid release!! Has anyone seen it yet?? 

Warnings: NOT PROOF-READ, Yandere behaviour, manipulation, obsession, OOC madness, blackmail, insecurities, Jade and Floyd, this is a mess lmao I’m sorry.

**WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR TWISTED WONDERLAND

REMINDER: Yandere behaviour of any kind is unhealthy behaviour. It should not be something to seek out in real life. If you are experiencing any sort of inappropriate behaviour, please contact help/seek out help.

**The reader will ALWAYS be Gender-Neutral! 

ps. HAPPY PRIDE MONTH TO MY FELLOW LGBTQIA+ <3333

———————————-••———————————

- Azul can be described as a greedy, manipulative, and intelligent individual who uses logical reasoning and sometimes solid ‘evidence’ to succeed, whether it be his business or his education. 

- At least on the outside.

- On the inside is an insecure, isolated, and paranoid little octopus that when cornered, just can’t help but slowly become unable to contain the facade he worked on for years.

- Now imagine this sad lil’ octopus as a yandere

- Not good lol

- I mean yes, the manipulative and intelligent nature of Azul are probably the main reasons as to why he’s one of the more terrifying yanderes in the TWST cast.

- But it’s because of him being very self-conscious of everything, as well as years of being isolated from his peers at a young age, Azul can be very much a clingy type as well. Especially to ones he cherishes the most. 

- Which is unfortunately you! :D

- At first, Azul thought nothing of you

- Only seeing you as a pawn for his own selfish gain.

- But as Book 3 progressed and the on-going reports from the Leech twins, Azul can’t help but become curious of your character, dear prefect.

- Why do you care so much about those 3 fools? You haven’t even known them for a year and yet here you are! Sacrificing your well-being to save them.

- It sickens him.

- The thought of your selflessness makes him sick to his stomach.

- But despite that, he starts to think about you more.

- And begins to imagines

- What if he was the one you were going all out for?

- The one you were taking care of?

- The thought of that shell-shocked him for a bit.

- He shook it off and proceeded to his planning once more.

- Once everything ended with Azul’s overblot, you decided to personally talk to him.

- Telling him that you also went through some of the same issues that he had as well.

- Pointing out your flaws, outwards and inwards.

- It’s just you trying to show Azul that he wasn’t alone when it came to these problems. That’s he’s not the only one who’s worked so hard to cover up their past in order to move on.

- To say that Azul was shocked was an understatement.

- In fact he didn’t really say anything while you were talking to him.

- All he did was listen to you.

- And for the first time

- He felt that he wasn’t being made fun of or mocked.

- It was…comforting.

- Azul is clingy.

- Be it in his human form or his octopus form.

- During the museum scene in Book 3 (when the gang looked at the field trip photo), you couldn’t help but hug him after seeing lil’ smol and chubby Azul.

- He looked soo cute and cuddly!! 

- Bby Azul!!

- He was in shocked

- He couldn’t move

- But didn’t try to leave your embrace.

- He just stood still.

- He didn’t understand 

- For the first time in a while, he felt at peace.

- But at the same time, his heart was starting to beat uncontrollably and his breathing was becoming heavy.

- Ace was weirded out.

- Deuce had no idea what was going on .

- Grim was hungry.

- Jack wanted to leave.

- Floyd and Jade were snickering in the background while this unfolded 

- Azul was fuming out of embarrassment when he heard them snicker.

- It was at this point where Azul fell in love with you.

- So ever since then, he secretly longs for your company.

- Walking beside you

- Asking if you’re in needs of favours that only he can fix for you

- If you give him a hug, that man will hold onto you for a while.

- He doesn't even realize it until you mention it to him.

- Even if you’re in the Monstro Lounge, as long as he knows you’re somewhere in the same vicinity as him, he’s at peace for a bit.

“Ah! D-dear Prefect! I didn’t even notice you’ve arrived at the lounge. W-well I know! I know that I wasn’t in the lounge when you came in, I was in my office working on our marriage contract— I mean—! Contacts for fellow peers who need some assistance. And— Floyd! Jade! I can hear your mocking from here! Stop it!”

- Speaking of Floyd and Jade,

- They very much enjoy having you around the lounge.

- Or just when you’re around in general.

- You provide so much entertainment for them, it’s amusing to watch.

- Especially if Azul is around.

- They haven’t seen Azul like that since he was a lil octopus.

- But, like Azul, they also grown fond of you.

- Not like that tho

- Like a sibling

- A lil Shrimpy for them to protect and play with!

- As they grow more fond of you, they start to see you as a pitiful and defenceless Shrimpy.

- Despite you saving them from Azul’s blot form but oh well—

- They have to protect you!!

- So don’t try to run away from them

- It’s pretty much useless at this point.

“Hey hey, Shirmpy~ Let’s play together!! You know it’s useless struggling! Especially since you’re soo puny~ *Giggles* C’mon! I promise that if you stay good, I’ll squeeze you less tight than usual~”

“Fu fu fu~ Floyd please be gentle. You don’t want to scare them more than they already are. Dear prefect, don't be alarmed. We simply want to spend a little quality time with you before Azul orders us to bring you to the lounge.”

******

- Despite Azul being a very cunning and manipulative individual, he’s also very self-conscious. 

- Azul puts these precautions and restrictions on you because he’s scared that you’ll leave. 

- He’s paranoid that you’ll just run off and find another person that’s better than him.

- He’s always been casted aside for almost all his life.

- That’s why he made sure to cover up all of his past self.

- He doesn’t want to be that ‘octo-twerp’ anymore.

- He doesn’t want you to think of him as that twerp he was years ago.

- He doesn’t want you, the person he loves so much, to see him like that.

- Even with all the reassurance from you.

- Believe it or not, Azul takes your opinions of him in high regards

- Meaning if he finds out about something you don’t like about him (beside the obvious problematic traits he has), he would make sure to change, if not conceal them, in order  for you to stay happy with him.

- As long as you’re happy, he’s happy.

- He just doesn’t want you to leave him, is that so hard to ask for?

- So please just stay

- For the sake of his own being entirely.

- And if you don’t?

- Hoo boy—

- You thought Azul was bad during the 3rd book with his contracts? 

- It’s gets worst 

- Especially since it’s business mixed with love. 

- Let’s get this outta the way, this man will search high and low for any flaw or problem you have. 

- He’ll find anything and I mean anything.

- Whether it be you’re struggling with (school, education, etc) or something you did. 

- If he can’t find worthy material, he’ll just make up something believable. Then will exaggerate that shit till you can't even defend yourself.

- He will find a way, he'll find something to use against you.

- And once he has all of the information he needs to trap help you, all he has to do is call in one (or both if you’re slippery lmao) of the tweel twins to ‘kindly escort’ you to his office!

- This is Azul we’re talking about. He’s always ready to lend a hand to a fellow peer in need.

- And it’s totally out of the kindness of his 3 pure and selfless hearts.

- What a saint.

- 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

- Whatever problem Azul decides to blackmail you with, the only way for him to solve it is for you is to give your unconditional love and devotion to him.

- He will also give you his love and devotion as well. But he didn’t say that out loud.

- At this point, you just have to give in.

- I mean, look at what could happen if Azul leaks out the blackmail material he’s using against you.

- You could possibly get kicked out of Night Raven.

- Where would you and Grim go? You’re not even from here! You don’t even have enough money saved up.

- Even if you could threaten Azul with fraudulence (if the accusations he presented were false), there’s nothing that Floyd and Jade can’t do when needing to silence someone.

- And both are glad to do so if you’re planning to leave them. 

“My dear Prefect! Why are you looking so downcast? Is it because of what I said? Oh, don’t worry! If anything happens to you, it will be alright as long as you sign this contract I have provided before you. You don’t want to? Then hopefully you don’t mind Floyd and Jade kindly convincing you to do so? I promise you, prefect, you’ll be fine with me as long as you do what I say. My generosity and unconditional love holds no bounds when it comes to you.”

———————————-••———————————

OCTO NOTE: OKAY! This is probably the most out of character fic I’ve written so far. So please forgive me!! 😭😭😭

But I hope you enjoy this lil fic! I will be working on Cloud’s Headcanons now! <33

ALSO— THANK YOU ALL SM FOR 100+ HEARTS FOR BOTH SILVER FICS!!!! I PROMISE I'LL ALSO WRITE MORE FOR OUR SLEEPY BOY ❤️❤️❤️

[khaopybara]

Started off the episode with mays terrible parents 😠 (I’m smad at the mom. Mad that she won’t defend May or stand up to her husband and sad because she is probably scared af of him. Divorce that man asap!)

Young May: How can someone be hurt emotionally?

Mays dad: hold my beer 😈

Hate that man with a burning passion!

Thankfully we quickly moved past that and onto the oonmay camping date. May struggling to remember that she’s supposed to be completely blind, the pluto necklace 😭, SEX IN THE CAMPER VAN 🫦🫦🫦. Oom’s twin senses were tingling so hard during that scene that she ended up waking up from her coma AND IMMEDIATELY LOOKING FOR MAY BECAUSE SHE ONLY REMEMBERS HER AND NOT PAUL!?!? Oy vey 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Ai seemed completely heartbroken right after she spoke with her grandma but it doesn’t seem to be stopping her since we see her texting May about cashing in for her reward while her sister IS RIGHT BEHIND HER. Bold Ai, very bold. and then AND THEN… the back to back reveals had me BOUNCING ON MY BED!!! Ai finding out may was the attorney who defended the guy who caused Ben to be paralyzed AND THEN IMMEDIATELY FINDING OUT THAT KOSAL WAS THE ONE WHO CAUSED MAY TO GO BLIND ALL BECAUSE Ai MADE SOME OFFHANDED THREAT OUT OF ANGER!!!!!

The repeated “i love her”s while breaking down had me breaking down 😭😭😭😭.

PinPangJan…

I totally understand that pim needs time after her breakup before she can jump into a new relationship but GODFUCKINGDAMMIT part of me wishes she moved on as quickly as pang! You and i seem to be switching stances on the whole throuple thing. I was initially hoping for a love triangle in which each person’s feelings went both directions(the ever rare true triangle!). Here we have Pang likes Jan. Jan likes Pim. Pim is still pining for Pang. Does Jan even like Pang? Doesn’t seem like Pang ever really loved Pim. I need someone who has read the books to tell me if pim ends up happy. That’s all I need to know!!!

Some last random thoughts…

-is ton breaking HIPPA every time he gives May an update on oom?

- i find it interesting that Jan basically knew everything about May from the start but didn’t say anything!!!!

-I’m curious as to how much oom remembers. She called May her gf but also remembered that May was the attorney. I wonder if she remembers the moments after that when she realized May met and fell in love with Ai that day way back when.

I’m am so sorry about this insane amount of word vomit of all my thoughts and feelings.

-🤫

i've said this before and i'll say it again, i hope the dad dies. he's probably going to get arrested or have a quick redemption arc and ask for forgiveness for being a despicable human being, but in a perfect world, he'd end up dead in a ditch. "bibi that's so revengeful", i couldn't care less. he's abusive to his child, he's abusive to his nephew and given the mom's response to all of that, he is most definitely abusive towards her (and he know it's not only mentally, given that he didn't think twice before slapping may across the face after very reasonably questioning him). so anyway, hope he dies.

i spent my free evening playing baldur's gate 3 and when i tell you i would regularly remember the way may would sneak glances at oon… *sighs* is it yearning when they are already dating? anyway, i didn't go into the tags and none of my moots reblogged anything like it (i think), but i'm so on my way to make a gifset about that because it made me feel things.

the sex scene was so beautifully shot, too. the light and the mood and the way oon had her hair to the side and looked quite dishevelled, it was better than i could have hopped (also, here i am, yet again, even more excited about girl rules bc yes, beautiful sex scenes with feelings are always great, but i'm so ready for the messy and angry that i know all three couples will serve).

LISTEN. amnesia plots are so cliche and used to be so overly used, and it's also one of my favorite tropes for some types of fanfics, SO HOW DID I NOT THINK THAT WOULD BE A THING? OOM HIT HER HEAD FOR GOD'S SAKE. honestly, that's on me, i didn't even think of the possibility like a fool. but i was so heartbroken for oom, too, bc imagine you go through the heartbreak of finding out your gf is in love with your sister actually, and then you marry a dude you don't care about, and now you forget him, and think you're in love with your ex again! when she finds out, it'll be heartbreaking. namtan will make me cry again.

the thing about ai and oom tho, they aren't telling her about paul and may right away just to avoid her going through more traumatic stuff after surviving an i-don't-know-how-many-months coma. at least the impression i got was that they were going to tell her once she got stronger, but then, BUT THEN! the revelations about batman, and ben, and kosol come to light and i wanted to die right then and there. you can see oon's face dropping and her heart breaking with each new piece of information she gets. i wanna commend namtan again bc man, how can she cry so prettily and make me feel all of these sad things? she did so great, i love her acting. i love the way she plays oom and say "pls forgive may, for me". i love how in love she looks whenever she's with may. how fond of her sister and her grandma she looks. i love this woman.

YOU SUMMED UP THE PIMPANGJAN THING PERFECTLY (for me). here's the thing, and i think i've said this last week, too. if pang demonstrated she has ever liked pim romantically (bc even when they were together, i feel like pang was just keeping pim to fill in space), i would be fine with a possible throuple. but pang has no interest whatsoever in pim, while pim can't forget pang, and poor jan is in this crossfire, bc she's respecting pim's decision to not get involved with her, but i don't think she's romantically into pang, either. it'll be great if they all kiss. i can't wait to finally add earn to the girl kissers list i have, and add two names to her tab, BUT STILL!!

to be fair, ton has been lying left and right to cover may, so i don't think he's too worried about patient confidentiality. he's an ally helping out his poor lesbian cousin get the girl, we can forgive him.

i was already suspicious that jan knew everything. watching back, it's so clear that oom was trying to set oon and may up, and bc jan is oom's best friend, i can only imagine all the things they've talked about and how much jan must have comforted her friend after the revelation about may's true affections.

i think oom has a selective memory loss thing going on. as in she forgot all the most traumatic things that have happened in the past year and regressed. even tho i wish oom would make things messier, i think she'll get her memories back on her own soon-ish. i do wonder what type of ending she'll get bc i must say, i'm an oom apologist, and i need her to somehow get a cute girlfriend who loves her for her too.

[yuikomorii]

Heya! In which of the boys route do you think Yui was broken/hurt the most?

I always wanted to know which would be the worst scenario (route) for like.. an avarage girl irl . I know most girls would not survive there😅 but just wanted to know your opinion which of those 6 doors you would never open. Or 13 if we count all the characters.

// Since it's an otome game, it goes without saying that there will be a lot of plot armor and that the love interests can't really harm the heroine seriously throughout the route, regardless of what she does, because the plot would go nowhere like that. Most characters are jerks but not really that hard to handle, since they were known for scaring Yui rather than letting her get genuinely hurt. However there were certain Diaboys who were very scary, as it felt like they had no feelings of remorse or empathy.

Laito:

Can’t say that his HDB route is the worst thing Rejet has ever written (because it’s definitely not) but it baffled me how he was so okay with Yui breaking like that to the point where she lost all her will to live and only wanted to be set free from him. I mean, she literally tried to commit and he was just there not even intending to stop her bleeding veins despite being the one who cut them?? It’s true that in the Vampire Ending she doesn’t turn out that bad but after all, this is just because it’s fiction.

Kanato:

He was easier to understand than Laito because at least you were able to know that he had a soft spot for sweets and Teddy. Nevertheless, it was a bit too much how he kept stabbing Yui with the fork and a few chapters later, I’m pretty sure he stabbed Yui with a knife in more places as well. Still, it’s surprising how she turned out worse in his route, considering the fact that in the afterstory she kills innocent people—

Kou:

I love Kou but he was a literal demon in MB. I really hated how he made his fans bully Yui JUST FOR FUN. It wasn’t even any sort of punishment, he merely wanted to make her suffer. Another thing I couldn’t stand was how he kept putting Yui’s life in danger, only to make her prove her love. I understand wanting to test someone but it would have been way better if he actually saved Yui after seeing her do something dangerous. That way it would have proved that he cared for her yet he continued to watch her get hurt for him over and over again, without feeling any empathy. He was sorta redeemed at the end but yeah, most of his route was big yikes, especially since you wouldn’t have expected a cheerful and friendly idol like him to be such a wicked person.

Carla:

I like the Tsukinami family's desire to preserve their lineage but sorry, I must say that I find it repulsive that a 17-year-old would be forced to become pregnant out of the blue with strangers. I understand that Yui was partially to blame for Carla's anger and subsequent dungeon scene but that moment grossed me out sooo bad. She lost her will to live but Carla literally jumped on a depressed girl and was on the verge of rap€ing her, if his Endzeit didn’t kick in. He gets gradually better throughout his route but this scene left a sore taste in my mouth.

Kino:

Look, Kino is a great villain and a lot of fun, but his LE route was trash. Kino killed a child, mistreated Yui, abducted both Yui and Ayato, planned to sell Ayato to the church for execution, manipulated Yui and tortured Ayato. The pain he caused them both was immense and although I appreciated Yui calling him out, it's so sad that she was brainwashed. While it's true that Kino can be quite cute when he wants to, their romance was so rushed and forced because they didn't give us any reason why Yui would fall for him other than manipulation when Ayato, who was seen to care more about her than for himself, was right there. I wish they developed Kino’s feelings better, given that he straight up blackmailed Yui to become his, otherwise Ayato would had been killed, therefore Yui had no other choice but accept the situation. That’s why his CL route is way better.

I only mentioned 5 instead of 6 but that’s mostly because no other character came closer to them in terms of bad scenario. The rest of them felt decent in their routes for a game called Diabolik Lovers, lol.