#he literally brags about how funny he is and then makes the worst pun (?) ever and laughs so hard at his own bad pun

[mage-ical-character-person]

These are all So Important to me. Right now.

I’m just gonna put them here because I love them so much and probably ramble and gush in the tags okay? Okay!!

Unfortunately I can’t seem to find the Bo one except in this video (around 3:55)

Which is… unfortunate.

[thatasianstereotype]

Fuck. I’m Gay.

I’ve been reading a lot of ml salt fics lately (mainly @unmaskedagain which is a literal goldmine of saltiness). And getting into the Damienette ship. Marinette really does deserves better (Fuck Canon) but so does Adrien. He is not a “sidekick”. Chat Noir and Ladybug are partners = equals. So I decided why not write a fic where Adrien gets his own happy ending in the form of a grumpy assassin-turned-vigilante that loves animals more than people. 

Somewhat of a crack writing where creative liberties were definitely taken. 

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Lila Rossi is a bitch and everyone knew it. Well, by everyone, Adrien means himself, his good-amazing-make-pastries-for-him friend Marinette, his maybe-not-really-sure friend Chloe and his-not-that-close-really-classmate Nathaniel. 

Yeah. It was a small number. 

But Lila is still a bitch. 

Anyway, Lila’s lies and manipulations have disturbed the status quo and not in a good way. She ended up making the majority of the class fawn over her like she was a perfect goddess and not a pompous-temperamental-hormonal teenager. Teenagers were prone to be gullible; he can understand his classmates being inclined to believe her. But this was utterly ridiculous (man, Chloe is rubbing off on him). No. You know what’s even more ridiculous? Ms. Bustier letting Lila get away with it. She doesn’t even stop the class mistreating Marinette who claimed she was a bully just because of you know who - Fucking Lila Rossi. The audacity of that bitch and her bitchy followers, am I right? 

Growing up he watched the tv shows and the animes. High schools always had their drama but he thought that was to get some plot going on. He didn’t think it was an actual thing that happens in real life. But he was proven wrong. Françoise Dupont High School had their drama and it was way worse than what he watched on screen. 

The worst part was that he couldn’t get away from Lila. Or he’ll be pulled from school (Fuck you Dad). He had to sit next to that bitch and listen to her drone on and on about things they both knew she didn’t do, about things she promised to do for her ever gullible followers friends. And couldn’t say anything against it if he wanted to stay in school. But even his discreet questioning didn’t do that much. It got some of the class to think something’s possibly fishy with her stories but not enough to think Lila was evil. So he just gave up. Because what was even the point? 

He was distancing himself from Alya and Nino. He couldn’t really be friends with people who thought Lila held the sun and moon. They didn’t hang out as much as they used to and he made excuses when they did invite him to stuff. Lately, he was making outrageous excuses - like he had to take his cat to the vet even though he didn’t have a cat - to see if they caught on. They didn’t. It was fun but he didn’t know whether to feel happy or sad about that. But feeling sad-depressed-pain over it was a bitch so he decided to take his victories as they come. 

Chloe had left the school earlier on. Her mom wanted to spend one-on-one time with her daughter (Yeah, Audrey is better at being a mother here). She was completely out of this drama mess. And Nathaniel kept his head down to not paint a target on himself. 

His only consolation and ally in this whole mess was Marinette. His darling angel. His sunshine incarnate. His own goddess (not like that bitch Lila let’s get one thing straight). 

When he was feeling overwhelmed (which was a lot), he spent it at her house. They spent it discussing fashion, trash talking Liar-la and the sheep class, playing video games, and making/eating the best baked goods in all of Paris. If he wasn’t at his photo shoots or at school, he was at her house. And with how often they spent time with each other, it wasn’t long before they accidentally revealed their alter egos to each other. 

(The class’ Everyday Ladybug was actually Ladybug. How amazing is that! Isn’t Marinette the absolute coolest?!) 

Since they outed themselves to each other, they had to give up their miraculous. And new heroes had to be chosen. As the guardian, Marinette decided to give the Ladybug miraculous to herself and the Cat one to Adrien. And make them the superheros of Paris. 

(Just when he thought that Marinette couldn’t get any cooler) 

They both collectively decided that being friends were for the best and put away their obsession crush over the other far far away. Now they were best friends-almost siblings. Oh who was he kidding? He was an honorary Dupain-Cheng. Marinette and her parents said so. And who was he to deny the goddess? 

All was well. 

Until he met this gorgeous boy with raven black hair and piercing green eyes that made him question everything in life. 

Like fuck. His life wasn’t hard enough already? 

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It was a slow patrol. Just stopped a few petty crimes. No akuma tonight. He wasn’t really expecting much to happen.

Mari said patrolling regularly gives citizens a sense of security and it helps if one of them were on scene if an akuma does appear. 

He didn’t mind. He loved running on the rooftops and feeling the wind in his face. After some time, he stopped and stood on top of one of the tallest buildings. Just soaking the view. The peace and serenity of it all. Seeing the glowing lights of his beloved city. Seeing the Eiffel Tower standing tall and proud. 

(Forget school. Forget Liar-la and her hoard of bitches) 

This was his city. This was why he fights Hawk Moth with Ladybug. They had something precious to protect. 

He was done patrolling the regular routes and all his schoolwork was already finished. He could go to sleep but he didn’t feel that tired. And he really didn’t want to go back home. Mari shared her theory on his dad being Hawk Moth. She had really good reasons and a plethora of proof. If they could switch miraculous, why couldn’t he and Mayura - most likely Nathalie? Which would explain how Gabriel got akumatized.

After all her support with dealing with Lila, he was way more inclined to believe her even without the evidence. But those things just made him more wary of his dad. And he wasn’t too stoked on spending more time than what he can get away with with the guy. Because his dad being Hawk Moth explains why he wants Lila (his strongest supporter - Chameleon and Oni-chan, anyone?) close and makes Adrien play nice with her. And anyone who enables Lila’s bitchiness is on his enemy list. 

Anyway, he was out here to enjoy the good mood not think about evil bitches and evil dads. So he sat himself down and enjoyed the sights. It was more calming than you would think. 

He heard cars blaring and even a dog barking. The slight breeze felt nice. The moon was pretty bright tonight. The stars too. There was a lone couple walking through the park. There was also another teen in black running on rooftops a few buildings away. 

Wait. 

What? 

He blinked and looked again. Huh, there was another teen in black running on rooftops. And it was not a hallucination. 

What the actual fuck?

He was instantly on his feet, baton already in hand as he raced across the roof to reach said stranger. 

“Hey!” 

But because he was the lucky owner of the unlucky miraculous, the moment he said that, the guy was about to jump off a building to presumably roll onto the next one like Chat was watching him do beforehand. But his call made him lose focus and Chat watched horrified as the guy slipped and started falling into the alley. 

Oh fuck! Mari was going to fucking kill this dumbass kitty!

He hoped to everything that Mari thinks is holy that he makes it in time. Extending his baton, he used it as a huge Pogo stick to basically catapult himself towards the stranger and wrapped his arms around him as he braced himself for the full weight of hitting the gravel at this height and speed. But he wasn’t that that concerned. His suit protected him from the majority of the injuries that would’ve occurred if he wasn’t wearing it. It hurt but it isn’t as bad as it could’ve been. Remember earlier? He takes his victories as they come. 

This was not the smartest of ideas, he’ll admit. Mari had the brains to be honest. But it wasn’t bad if he say so. And he does say so. 

He rolled over and immediately looked over the stranger that was remarkably unharmed in this whole mess. 

And oh.

Oh.

The stranger was taller than he was with a lithe and lean frame. He had raven black hair that complimented his tanned skin and gorgeous green eyes that pierced through him, making his heart do funny things. 

He was not expecting him to look as hot as he did. He wore a simply black t-shirt and jeans but he looked like a fucking Adonis, what the fuck.  Even the moon shone down on him, highlighting his handsome features even more.  

He shook himself of those thoughts and focused on what was more important. “I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” 

He was rudely pushed away, but he didn’t take offense. He did cause the guy to fall after all. 

“Do not touch me.” (What kind of accent is that?) “I’m fine. You are truly a moronic imbecile of the highest accord to yell like that. And what are you even supposed to be? Some kind of knock-off Catwoman?” 

At that, Chat looked at Hot-And-Sexy weird. “Are you new here? I’m the superhero Chat Noir. I protect Paris with Ladybug.”

“You’re joking.”

“I know I come off as the goofy hero because I make purr-fect puns all the time but I’m not joking about this.” 

He took out his phone to show the foreign (since he’s obviously not a Parisian) stranger the akuma attacks and Ladybug and Chat Noir being a dynamic duo, saving Paris and beating Hawk Moth. Ok, he showed the stranger a lot of stuff. Sue him. He gets to brag about his Princess. And himself too.

“I never heard about this before.” Hot-And-Sexy (he has got to come up with a better name) said afterward. “3 years this has been going on? Why didn’t you ask for help from the Justice League or other superheros?” 

Chat shrugged. “We tried. But they said we’re obviously pulling a prank and making this all up. So we stopped asking for help.”

For some reason this made Hot-And-Sexy angry. “They ignored your plea for help and left you to fight for yourselves?”

“Pretty much, yea.” 

“You and Ladybug are children.” 

“Excuse me? Are you doubting our ability to protect our city?" He was not apologetic at the sharp edge his voice took. Forget looking hot. How dare he? The audacity really. 

Hot-And-Sexy shook his head. “I’m not. I know some child superheroes who are adequate at their jobs and a few who are remarkable like Robin in Gotham. But the majority of them had adult mentors to guide them. From what you’ve shown me, you and Ladybug had no one. You were left alone to fend for yourself with essentially no help.” 

He never thought of it that way. But hearing it like that made him think: Fuck Adults Who Chose Children to Fight Their War For Them and Fuck Hawk Moth For Putting Them In This Position In The First Place. 

You know what. Just to clear all his bases - Fuck Everyone But The Dupain-Chengs. 

Chat couldn’t help but shrug, not quite knowing what to say to that. “Life is a bitch, I’ve come to find out. But enough of that. Why were you running on rooftops anyway?”

“It calms me down.”

Relatable. 

“Is...Is your tail moving?” 

“Huh?” He looked behind him to see his tail was indeed moving lazily. “Yeah. I’m called Chat Noir for a reason.”

“May I touch them?” Chat was used to people (usually kids) pulling on his tail to see if it was real (It was). And it really hurts because they usually rough. Not that he blames them. Kids don’t know any better. Still, he usually says no when people ask. 

But Hot-And-Sexy had such a sincere expression that he said yes. To his surprise and delight, Hot-And-Sexy was extremely gentle (Can this guy be anymore perfect?) and it felt nice to be petted like that. Curse his touch-starvation (again Fuck you Dad).

Hot-And-Sexy was apparently fascinated by his ears and tail. 

“Are you a meta?” He noticed how Hot-And-Sexy’s voice turned softer and fonder (or was he imagining that?).

“Nah. I’m fully human. I just got powers to transform into this.” He looked down at his phone seeing that the time was nearing 2 am.

“Have you suffered any injuries from your stupid stunt?” 

“Hmm?” Chat looked back at him before gesturing to his body. “Don’t worry. I may not look like it but I can take it.”

He can practically feel Hot-And-Sexy rolling his eyes. “What an utter dolt.” 

But there wasn’t any heat behind it so he didn’t take it to heart. 

“Thanks, babe.” 

“That was an insult.”

“And I’m taking it like a compliment.”

Chat stood up and stretched his limbs. Hot-And-Sexy doing the same but dusting off his clothes instead.

“So, uh, need any help getting home?”

“I am perfectly capable of finding my own way, thanks.” 

“Ok. Have a nice night.” He was about to leave when he was caught off guard by Hot-And-Sexy staring at him for a good few seconds, making his limbs freeze in place at the heavy attention.

Before he said. “You should try contacting the Batfamily in Gotham about Hawk Moth. They’re used to dealing with weird things. I’m sure they won’t turn you or Ladybug away.” 

Chat was a bit distracted by how intensely those green eyes focused on him, making his heart beat faster and his cheeks turn a vibrant red. 

He was so screwed. 

He used his baton to shoot himself up so he can run on rooftops, hurrying to the Dupain-Cheng bakery. 

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“Mari! I think I’m gay!”

“It’s 2 in the morning, Chaton. Go to sleep and we’ll talk about it in the morning.” 

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After a good night’s rest (and thank everything that was right in the world that today was a weekend), Adrien told Mari all about Hot-And-Sexy. And yes, he did call the stranger that out loud. His everything-that-actually-matters sister simply took it in stride after giggling a bit. They spent the majority of the day discussing emotions and everything that came with that bundle. 

Before he finally came to a conclusion. 

He is definitely gay (He liked girls but not like like them). And most definitely had a crush on Hot-And-Sexy with the pretty green eyes. 

Good news: He is no longer having a sexuality crisis. 

Bad news: He is going through an emotional crisis. 

Like dealing with these feelings that is making his stomach flip flop over and over again? The only one he ever had to deal with was the one he had on Ladybug and that (he talked with Mari about it months before. She was amazing with these emotional matters) was more of a hero-worship crush than anything really romantic. 

And his crush on Hot-And-Sexy was so much more. 

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So it’s been about 2 weeks since he encountered Hot-And-Sexy. And he still haven’t figured out what else to call him. But the nickname was growing on him. 

(He also told Mari about asking the Batfam for help but she was a bit apprehensive after the disastrous attempts of convincing the Justice League. He shrugged, trusting her opinion and left it at that) 

Anyway, Lila was being her usual bitchy self. Father was being non-existent like always. Mari was his only source of sanity at school. And Hawk Moth was being a bitch. 

Because of course, the day before they have a huge test, he decides to akumatize someone (in this case, a businessman who was really unhappy with getting fired) and cut in on study time. And this akuma took a while to defeat. Guess he drew a lot of strength from his burning hatred of the failings of the corporate world. 

And just yesterday, a teenager who was upset at being grounded got akumatized and terrorized the city for 3 hours before Ladybug could purify her. It did however confirmed her fears. Hawk Moth was getting stronger. It took longer to defeat his monsters. They needed to find him and ended this fast. 

Adrien landed on Mari’s balcony and slipped in her room, crashing on her big comfy bed, de-transforming on the spot. Plagg sleepily floating and laying next to him on the pillow. He was so tired. And photo shoots and school drama were not helping things.

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For the record, he was not at all expecting to see Hot-And-Sexy in a bookstore of all places. 

He was so engrossed in looking through the latest Boku no Hero Academia manga (can’t wait until Season 5 comes out) that when someone touched his shoulder, he was not proud to admit he squeaked a bit.

He turned around and his eyes widened his surprise. 

“Hot-And-Sexy!” 

It was indeed the Adonis Adrien had a huge crush on. Today he was wearing a white t-shirt paired with a blue denim jacket and black ripped jeans. Wow. He really can make anything look hot.

No. Bad Adrien. Don’t let him know you actually have a crush on him.

And oh fuck. Hot-And-Sexy was staring at the blonde and Adrien tried not to let himself get flustered. He has a very intense stare. For all he knew, Hot-And-Sexy stares at everyone like that.

Calm the fuck down, heart. You too brain.

He raised a handsome eyebrow in amusement. “Excuse me?”

Adrien felt himself burn with embarrassment, his face turning bright scarlet. No wonder he was fit for the unlucky miraculous or was this just a side-effect? Note to self, ask Mari about this later. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t get your name last time. And I just started calling you that in my head. Cause you’re really hot and you have pretty eyes.”

Fuck mouth! Why won’t you stop talking! Please for the love of everything that makes Mari a BAMF stop. Stop digging further into the hole of embarrassment! Abort mission! Abort!

“When did we meet?”

At that, he blink a few times. Oh fuck. He was not Superhero Chat Noir. He was Civilian Adrien Agreste. Mari was definitely murdering his dumbass tonight. Lightning please strike him down right now. Where was an unlucky lightning strike when you need it?

After a few seconds of his horrified silence, Hot-And-Sexy chuckled (he had such a nice laugh). “You are extremely lucky I already figured out your alter ego beforehand, Chaton.”

Before Adrien could even unwrap that statement, he held out a hand and had a dangerously sexy smirk on his face. “My name is Damian Wayne. Would you care to get a cup of coffee with me?”

And Adrien nodded his head, not trusting himself to speak. He can deal with the superhero thing later when he can think straight (hah!) and is not distracted by Damian’s beautiful smile and alluring green eyes and perfect everything.

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Guess what?

Ya Boi got game.

(At least, he likes to think he does)

After a successful coffee date (was it a date? Please let it be a date), they exchanged numbers (cue internal squealing) and met up a few times afterward to hang out.

Apparently, Dami was here on business to deal with something for Wayne Enterprises.

“Aren’t you 17?”

“Father believes in preparing us when we’re young.”

Dami was amazingly sweet. Arrogant and pretentious with a stick up his ass but sweet. He treats stray animals with such reverence that Adrien’s heart melt every time he sees it.

It was an added bonus when Damian scorned Lila with cruel words and disgusted looks when she tried to cut in Adrien and Dami’s date(?)/meetup(?)/spending-time-together event.

She cried and whined afterwards and Adrien has to endure his father’s lecture. But it was totally worth it.

Oh yeah. Mari was not pleased that he accidentally outed himself to a civilian. But nothing that a couple of sad kitty eyes can’t fix.

“You are so lucky you’re cute, kitty-cat.” Mari grumbled but she was smiling. “I just need to have a good talk with him on the importance of secrecy.”

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That day Damian Wayne learned to fear a certain Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

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It was 2 weeks later when Adrien woke up to a package next to his futon in Mari’s room. When he opened it, he saw the Butterfly and Peacock miraculous inside.

There was a card beneath it. And in beautiful cursive script read: 

I dearly hope you enjoy my courting gift, mon amour. Allow me the honor to formally ask you out on a date. I look forward to hearing favorably from you soon.

- Damian Wayne

He couldn’t believe it.

“Mari! Damian likes me back!”

“Chaton, I swear. It is 2 in the morning.”

Next

[literaphobe]

season 2 of she-ra rated by catradora content

the frozen forest: “aw, cute, you can turn your sword into stuff.” very interesting how adora has to literally train not by fighting any real soldiers in the horde just... catra. light hope scanned her brain and knew she wouldn’t bother to run after anyone else :/ which. is true. call her out!! she fights bots too but she has more or less no issues with them even though she’s no expert with turning her sword into stuff yet, but then catra comes out, and suddenly adora can’t even block a single punch because catra laughed at her :( AND suddenly her sword can’t turn into anything but a cup. why adora? are you thirsty? it’s even funnier because none of this is real, and adora KNOWS that none of this is real, but she’s still Affected when fake catra says her seductive “hey adora” and she decides oh i know! i’ll turn my sword into a d*ldo with holes! oh wait never mind, is that a flute? damn it now she wants to Serenade catra. that’s even gayer than wanting to have sex with her. “did you mean to do that? because if you did it’s a terrible weapon.” “is not! >:(“ adora’s comebacks are like. kindergarten quality shit. i would make fun of catra’s insult too but in her defense that’s not actually catra. so adora tries to hit fake catra with her musical instrument and it doesn’t really work so she tackles fake catra and pins her to the ground. and looks,,, low key aroused as she does it okay adora.... she’s not real please remember that.... ur already a furry please don’t also be a bot fucker “what are you waiting for? you gonna play me a song on that thing?” yes she WAS catra! that’s what i’ve been SAYING don’t be mean to your girlfriend when she’s trying to serenade you :( adora gets angry after this latest act of oppression so she raises her hand, about to hit fake catra, but she stops right before the weapon can make contact, and her face softens. “i knew you couldn’t do it.” fake catra fades and the audience finds out something adora already knew. none of this was real, and even if she had hit fake catra and killed her, real catra would be fine. And Yet,,,,, big fucking sigh bros. haha y’all ever so hung up on a chick that you can’t even kill a fake simulation of her? even though she’s your enemy? lmaoooooo anyway the training simulation ends and adora is so depressed she transforms out of her she-ra form and asks “did you have to make her so mean? :(“ even tho light hope is about to come out and yell gay slurs at her. light hope shows up and is very confused. is catra... not mean? was my catra ooc miss adora? :/ did this catra hit different? too hostile? not like what ur used to? :/ go to hell adora if you made catra into a sim and picked her defining trait it WOULD be MEAN god everyone’s a critic. and then adora is like ok ur right :( catra is mean.... but have you considered making your simulation’s fake catra one that will hold me gently in her arms? have you considered that maybe i don’t want to fight her and that i want to kiss her instead? god damn it light hope you bitch. you fucking homophobe.

light hope is like okay cool. this latest performance was ur worst one btw and adora is like why do you THINK and is like i wanna be the very best :( like no one ever was :( and protecc etheria :( “but catra, she’s just in my head” ;) oh yeah i bet she is adora JFJSJDJSJD “when you grow up with someone, they know how to push your buttons :(” that’s very true adora. but you also grew up with many people such as lonnie, rogelio, and kyle. and you don’t seem to give a shit about them :/ so i guess “grow up with someone” really means “be in love” huh. i love you but do NOT lie to me ever again. after this, we see the real catra :’) she’s back at the horde training kyle, lonnie, and rogelio. “she-ra is too strong to defeat with force alone. but she’s slow and easily manipulated.” yeah maybe for you! maybe she slows down when she fights you because ur pretty and ur voice is sexy! way to flex ur privilege :( not everyone can manipulate she-ra because she’s not in love with all of them ok :( just u :( later on, we’re back at the war meeting in bright moon. bow says “we’re defeating the bots, but more keep coming. while we’re using our resources to hold our borders, the horde hasn’t had to deploy a single soldier.” hey! that’s a perfectly normal statement right! one that does not mention any specific person. there should be no reason for anyone to respond to this by bringing up any individual. guess what adora says. guess what she fucking says. i’m so fucking done oh my god. “typical catra >:(“ did... did bow MENTION catfkakdjsjdjsjs????? i’m fucking WHEEZING. adora. baby. could u. like. chill out? :/ re catra? for like one second? no? okay guess i’ll have to live with it. adora is so hung up over the “hey adora ;)” she heard from fake catra during training that she has to repay the favor when she fights entrapta’s upgraded bots. adora looks into the camera of one of the bots and just. she just KNOWS catra is watching and she’s correct. and she’s like “hey catra ;)” before punching the camera and cutting the live stream. catra’s response isn’t to immediately ditch the horde and go kiss adora (booooooo) but to. try and explode she-ra using one of the other bots. okay. i guess we all cope with arousal in different ways :/ when the bot explodes and adora realizes her attempt at seduction did not work out the way she intended (press f to pay respects), she gets all “>:( catra” which is very cute and iconic of her. and it’s apparently her way of coping with the situation so i’ll just let her be! 9/10

ties that bind: fuck you swift wind. what the FUCK. i can’t believe adora had to go on some stupid quest with the horse all because she would be fiFTy sEVeN pERcenT mOrE eFFeCtivE with him. who gives a shit. catra getting kidnapped and tied up is clearly the superior plot here and adora wasn’t there for it?? which, i know is the whole point, but also, why did they have to put her with the horse. would’ve rather seen adora with literally any of the princesses instead. haha jk. but also, am i? it is important that adora gets over her hatred of swift wind and bonds with him. but also, is it? sigh, let’s get on with the show. bow and glimmer set out to go bring back entrapta. “let’s go get adora!” bow baby. u r so woke. i love that attitude. yes y’all should’ve absolutely brought adora along. no she was not doing anything important. “adora’s training!!!!” glimmer baby i love u but why :( why would u do this :( anyway, bow and glimmer get tricked into thinking the horde is torturing entrapta so they (accidentally) kidnap catra. bow is an absolute sweetheart who just. is sweet to everyone so he tries bonding w catra and is like “come on, i bet even the horde has friends. what about adora? :3 you two grew up together. what was she like as a kid? :3” because adora is bow’s best friend and he wants to know more about her <3 best boy <3 and catra just hisses at him because if she spoke she would probably say. adora was everything to me. adora made me laugh, she played with me, she took care of me, she protected me even when everyone else looked the other way. just seeing her would put a smile on my face. she held my hand. she hugged me. she was my shoulder to cry on. adora was the only good thing in my life at the horde. i have been in love with her my entire life. and now she’s she-ra. anyway. catra decides to annoy glimmer into letting her go, and glimmer gets so frustrated that she says “how did adora take years of this? she didn’t run away from the horde. she ran away from YOU” which. is about the most horrifying thing you could say to catra since she like. really believes that. and adora’s not even there to defend herself :( and say shit like. Well It Helped That I Was In Love With Catra And That Every Moment We Spent Together Was Filled With Laughter And Joy Because No One Else Has Ever Made Me This Happy Even When We Were Stuck Together In The Worst Place On Etheria—stuff like that u know? :/ anyway catra is like :’( —> >:’( “adora’s gonna dump u one day too glimmer!!” + “you and adora are perfect for each other, i’ll give you that. earnest, naive, ridiculously easy to manipulate. it’s adorable!” wow catra. u think…… adora…. is…. adorable? wow…. :’) djdjdjdjdjdj but yeah. she really said my gf is cute! my gf is earnest! and that’s pretty much it on the catradora front. notice how i didn’t say a word about the horse plot. yeah. :) i mean i physically couldn’t because this is a catradora based evaluation post. but ya. u get the point. 7/10

signals: huh! nothing! except when glimmer says “catra was right!” and adora’s face is like... u kno. u know how she gets when catra is suddenly brought up. 2/10 but the whole ghosts thing is cute. adora believing and wholeheartedly being scared of ghosts makes me think... catradora buzzfeed unsolved AU

roll with it: the absolute RIGHTS of this episode. adora planning obsessively because “you’re not taking the biggest variable into account :( catra </3 she’s been behind every horde plan, she led the attack on bright moon, she’s devious, she’s very cute—“ and everyone is like omg adora calm down,,,, okay fine we’ll fantasize about ur gf. so everyone is all: this is my catra headcanon <3 glimmer is like. catra is a sexy femme fatale. bow is like. catra and i would make so many sick fucking puns. and adora is like :( y’all are all headcanoning catra WRONG :( she’s sexy and funny and cute the Way She Is :( why mess with the original recipe? :( except she’s wrong because season 4 and 5 will exist one day. but she is not wrong because season 1-3 catra is also very good. adora u do u. have fun laughing at everyone’s interpretations of ur gf. go ahead and brag about how uve been in love w her ur entire life. adora is like. all ur plans suck. obviously catra would block or duck or jump up really high or look really cute or smile and dazzle u with her charms. how DARE you underestimate my enemy gf. and then everyone devolves into their cool plans again and adora is like CATRA CATRA CATRA >:( so everyone is like ok fine we are going 2 bully her. and we get this epic scene where they do impressions of catra, but it is visualized like: different versions of catra keep flanking adora, and she in that scene is clearly very seriously considering having a fourway with femme fatale catra, prom catra, and punny og catra. but in like uh.... a cool platonic way. anyway, everyone is like. hey adora. we know ur paranoid and obsessed with ur gf. but can we just attack the horde now? could you chill the fuck out? and adora is like. u wanna know the worst that could happen? fine. “i’m the heaviest hitter, so catra will separate me right away. trap me, take my sword, do Something so i’m helpless when she turns on you. she knows Everything about me, EXACTLY what i’ll do, EXACTLY how to take me out. they’ll overwhelm frosta and mermista with bots, they’ll fire on perfuma, and use her to draw bow out into the open, pinning him between the bots and the horde soldiers. glimmer will teleport in to save him, but she won’t have enough magic left to get out, trapping them both. catra will make me watch all of it before she Finishes Me Off.” which..... weirdly kinky, but okay, and also weirdly sweet if u think about it? like catra grew up thinking she was never as good as adora but adora even with her new she-ra powers now is convinced that catra is so good that she can predict and counter and overpower anything adora throws at her, even with her super-powered friends and allies <3 and she...... lets it paralyze her with fear and blames herself for anything that could possibly go wrong which is really sad and not good :( but stuff can be two things! and. we’re kind of trying to be gay here so let’s continue on the gay train <3 the princess alliance realizes that adora has major issues and give her love and support so adora is like oh nice!!! time to run in without a plan and stay true to my brute strength colors <3 and she’s so excited to see her gf..... only to find out, her gf isn’t there?????? the fuck???? she spent hours planning their fight date only to get stood the fuck up??????? she’s so distraught over it as she fights scorpia she goes through the five stages of grief. she’s like... catra’s really not here?? and she left you in charge???? and babe i get that ur jealous and upset that ur gf didn’t show up but hey :( don’t hate crime scorpia like that :( 8/10

white out: adora is upset that she hasn’t seen her enemy gf in a while so when the squad finds out that the horde is doing stuff in the north(?) adora decides that they must immediately go there in case the horde (catra) is doing stuff that she must stop the horde (catra) from doing immediately. and it works! they bump into the super pal trio! but before that, we see entrapta show catra the red disk that makes she-ra go RAGE and adora go floop. it’s basically a Make Adora Delirious/Drunk Crystal <3 catra gets an evil hate boner when she hears that the disk “takes away she-ra’s powers” and is like damn entrapta ;) why didn’t you tell me about that sooner ;) later on, the best friend squad bumps into the super pal trio! adora sees catra and is like. hey remember last episode? what the fuck was that babe. step the FUCK up. run away with me? <3 but here’s a more literal break down of what really happened: catra is threatening entrapta as she... tends to do when she’s interrupted by adora who says “catra! >:(“ completely ignoring that there are other people there who she should also greet. i mean it’s just manners u know? “it’s been a while.” is not an excuse. u haven’t seen entrapta either for an even longer time. and u had nothing to say to her? i get that ur gay and in love but have some respect okay :( catra is happy and decides it’s time to seduce her. we get yet another “heyyy adora ;)” for the books. adora starts to ignore everyone present again and banters pettily with catra about how catra lost the battle of bright moon, because you know :( she hasn’t seen her gf in a while :( and she didn’t get to rub things like that in her face :( and catra is like haha lmaooooo loserrrrr and it really pisses adora off so she’s like okay down to business then! go away >:( and catra’s like oh u want me to go away? make me ;) and so they literally. run away from everyone else. i’m not making this shit up they literally said those things and just ditched the group. and both groups, who have not said a fucking word to each other since this confrontation began because the lesbians are so fucking loud and clearly everything they discuss is personal and not an invitation for group convo, they’re all left there to be like..... i guess we should fight each other now? and scorpia is like UGHHH goddamn it. and u really feel for her u know? :/ u try and u try to ask a girl out and she’s so stupid she doesn’t know ur asking her out on a date, but her stupid ex walks in and all she has to do is run and catra runs in front of her ready to go on a date. what the fuck. anyway, catra and adora are also fighting. adora’s better at transforming her sword into stuff now so she summons a rope (ok kinkster) to grab catra’s leg and pull her towards her and she threatens catra with her sword, saying “don’t move.” catra’s response? “oh, please. you’d never have the guts.” and god damn it catra it’s not that she doesn’t have the guts! :( it’s that she loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you! and also she’s not into necrophilia! catra continues with “you know, as much as i love our fights, it’s way too cold for this.” i hate them so fucking much. they really do get off on this shit!!! i hate them but also mood!!!! stop flirting with each other ur both so goddamn annoying omg. “why don’t we try something new? ;)” yeah. something new like hmm what if y’all kissed? haha, just a suggestion! but no, catra decides to use the red crystal thingy :( haha SIKE i’m not :( at all i’m very much :) because we’ve been WAITING for drunk adora. i love that delirious baby. what a fucking cutie. but because she-ra’s sword is the one who gets poisoned, she-ra goes all angry and evil and catra is like that’s hot! but it’s not what i signed up for but also... oh lmao she’s fighting her friends? nice. this is hot again. complacently, catra goes “this is the greatest thing that’s ever happened!” causing evil!she-ra to realize she exists and trying to kill catra for real, and catra is like NEVER MIND I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS and she’s like “adora wait :(“ which is like. babe no :( babe u were supposed to turn evil in a sexy way :( we could be sexy and evil together baby :( babe :( thankfully for catra adora’s not the only one who has a crush on her so scorpia tackles she-ra, separating her from her sword, and she goes back to adora. catra gets the sword, laughs, and says “that went so much better than i could’ve ever hoped.” did it?????? ur so stupid ur gf was about to murder u and u were ready to simp for ur life. then she goes “looks like you’re mine now, adora. >;)” and like. lifts adora’s face up by the chin with the tail end of the sword. and. let me just take a deep breath here. uh. What The Fuck Is That. HELLO?????? why is that. okay. HHHHHH. why!!!! good god!!!!! i hate sexual tension. anyway, catra tells scorpia to carry adora inside bc adora’s not wearing enough layers and she doesn’t want her gf to get cold :( jk but uh, they get adora inside, and catra is once again obsessed with her. she sits right next to her and pines like “always so perfect.... look at you now.... (i HATE how sexual this sounds) you’re coming back to the horde under my command.....” like. COME ON. why is she like this. ur allowed to be evil but i draw the LINE at u flirting with adora she’s not even AWAKE. and scorpia is like. could u. could u not be obsessed w adora for one second? it’s kinda harshing my vibe :/ and catra is like hehe she ra go >:( haha funney. we can turn the rebellion’s own hero against them. That’s Good™ i wonder which of your friends i’ll have you annihilate first... and then she giggles to herself and it’s so cute but babe. once again. stop flirting with adora while she’s out cold she won’t be able to flirt back :( and then the most. upsetting part of the ep happens. catra LEAVES and makes scorpia watch over adora before adora even wakes up so we don’t get! to see! catra with drunk/delirious adora!!!!!! what the FUCK. what is the POINT. i am DISTRAUGHT. hello?????? why were we robbed. whatever. it’s still good but come on not even one scene? :( scorpia is annoyed as she should be and is like UGH just wanted to be alone with catra but nooooo im stuck babysitting her “”””””ex-best friend””””””” which we all know is code for just. ex. LMAO fkdkdkdk like this isn’t even reaching we BEEN knew. anyway adora is being. so cute. so goddamn cute i am in love. adora barely even remembers her name but when scorpia is like hm what’s the passcode to the lab? adora goes BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP and puts in catra’s super long fave number. that is so fucking cute that she knows and remembers that and thinks that catra would use it even tho she’s not even. in the right state of mind. and scorpia gets jealous obviously like ohhhh u know catra’s favorite number and i don’t! u grew up with catra and she’s been in love with you her whole life and i don’t have that! fuck u adora. even when u and catra are fighting each other tryna kill each other u can tell there’s a real bond there :( and like scorpia I’m so sorry baby I know :( they’re in love and it’s very annoying :( and i know adora is very annoying but have you also considered that she is very cute? that she is so lovely? and yeah that’s why catra is in love with her and shit :( seahawk and scorpia fight over adora and adora is like. hehe. catra mean <3 she’s so mean <3 and so hot and cute and sexy <3 omg im gonna marry her hehehehe <3 both sides reconvene to fight the bug, and adora finds glimmer vaguely familiar but doesn’t recognize who she is exactly. but she’ll remember catra’s long ass fave number. ok whore. catra, who’s also stupid, sees adora and is like guess I’ll drop all other priorities to get her! and tells scorpia to find the sword because she’s going after adora again. she’s so determined to keep adora that she.... catches a moving arrow. and throws it away. fjdjdjdjddj DAMN ok sheer gay determination is THAT strong huh. but it’s also sad because catra’s so busy fighting she doesn’t get to see adora being super cute :( it’s fucking wasted and not FAIR. catra thinks it’s funny that anyone would expect her to willingly give the disk up, because she’s got control of adora now, and control of adora means that adora won’t leave her.... which is not healthy :( but also HHHHHH but also it’s okay because their relationship gets healthy in the future and that’s very sexy of them <3 the disk is broken by scorpia in the end, and as adora regains.... conscious???ness????? idk??? her sense of reality??? sobers up???? anyway she and catra exchange this one last very heavy look, right before catra is grabbed by scorpia 9/10, except i want to take away so many points because of the wasted potential, but also i wanna add back so many points because of “looks like you’re mine now, adora ;)”

light spinner: ewwww shadow weaver ewwwww hordak i’m so sorry catra baby so sorry u had to interact with them instead of adora :( 0/10 </3

reunion: I AM SO SORRY. I AM SO FUCKING SORRY. THIS EP IS SO GOOD. BUT. I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE TO SAY THIS. THIS IS ONLY BECAUSE THIS IS A CATRADORA EVALUATION OK. therefore the rating is.... is..... :( 0/10 :( i know i am distraught too. :( despite what a masterpiece it was... there was no catradora :(

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #479

“war sends our sons to slaughter  /  another failed attack; there is no turning back”

Have you ever boycotted something? Yes: Chick-fil-A. Homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you, and not returned it? Yes, a video game when I was little. I was so mad, lol. Do you vent a lot on social media? No. I don't want people to get annoyed with me. What was your first bill you started paying on your own? I haven't been responsible for any bills yet. What is your favorite charitable cause to donate to or volunteer for? I can't/don't do either really, but if I could, I'd probably donate to uhhhh... suicide prevention organizations. As for volunteering, definitely something with animals. Have you ever dated someone who wasn’t at all your usual type? No. What is something you have no patience for? Waiting at the doctor's office. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? Yes. What’s that you’re listening to? I'm watching Gab play The Evil Within 2. What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed? We're a couple. What is your biggest accomplishment in life? Still being alive. What is one thing that you really wish you could understand, but don’t? Political stuff. Economics. Have you ever been tutored or tutored someone yourself? I had an Algebra tutor the last time I was in college, and I had to strangle an anxiety attack down because I wasn't understanding the material AT ALL and felt so dumb and annoying. I never did it again. What was the last thing you said out loud (singing doesn’t count)? "It's really embarrassing," to Mom. It really is fucking humiliating that my ankles are swollen from walking/standing more and pushing my desk chair back against the resistance of the carpet. That's pathetic. I'm trying to focus on the fact it's good my body is even reacting to moving more, though. Is everything you have on actually yours? Yep. Do you ever just randomly drive around when you’re upset about something? I don't drive, but if I did, that would NOT be my method of de-stressing. What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Writing an RP post. What’s your favorite department in Wal-Mart? Uh, I guess where you can go see the plants and flowers. Do you find kite flying boring? I LOVED it as a kid. I'd still probably find it kinda fun. Do you have any interest in visiting Japan? Yes, but it's not a massive interest. I've heard the humidity can kill a bitch, and I am NOT into that. Have you ever run a cash register? Yes. I sucked. Have you ever worked as a server? No. Have you ever done the Bratz challenge on YouTube? No, but I saw James Charles do it and it was v unnerving, holy shit. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? Carve. What was your worst experience in high school? My depression as a whole. How much did your senior prom dress cost you? I don't remember. Have you ever been in a serious romantic relationship? Three, if you include my current one. Which part of your body is the most muscular? Uh, nothing? What is the first site you check when you get online, generally? KM. Are you good at creative writing assignments? That's my forte. In elementary school, I actually won a I think county-wide creative writing short story assignment. Not to brag, but I've always been very proud of that, ha ha. Or would you rather just do an informative essay? That's easy for me too, but I prefer writing creatively. Are you more attracted to the badasses, or the goody-goody types? Definitely the goody-goodies. The "bad guys" have never appealed to me romantically. Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I did if I really wanted to ask something or was confident in an answer. What is something BIG you want to do with your life? Make a difference, somehow. What do you think of people who own wild animals? Do NOT just casually take in animals from the wild. That's selfish and just generally disgusting. If you're going to keep an animal generally described as wild and undomesticated, you'd better have a license and deserve that license. Know what you're doing and be certain that keeping the animal in captivity is in the animal's best interest for its unique case. Are you good at explaining things, in general? NOOOOOOOOO, I suck at that. Do you like visiting the mall? Why or why not? Not our mall, no. Its stores suck/are extremely limited, and SO much crime has happened there. Do you like window shopping? Why or why not? YESSSSSSS, mostly on Morph Market, a mostly reptile selling hub online. You can browse TONS of breeders and literally thousands of reptiles, especially ball pythons. They even have a tarantula section I like to look at sometimes. If you lost your job/home/etc., who would likely help you? If I'm losing my home, I'm assuming my mom is gone, so my dad. Why did you first kiss the last person you kissed? We were a couple and I felt like I was supposed to. At that time I didn't see him romantically, but I desperately wanted to. Funny how we're back together and I've no reservations against kissing him now. Feelings change, for sure. Plans for tonight? Girt and I will probably play some WoW Classic together. We've started playing that together, and it's lots of fun with him. :') Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed? Actually, no. Have you ever been kissed in a car? Yeah. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I know Girt does. Is there anyone in your life that knows right away something’s wrong with you? My mom. Who last made you smile? Girt, 'cuz he's a sweetheart. Where is your mother? She's in bed in her room. She feels like shit. Like, you would think she WASN'T vaccinated, though her long-time doctor has said she'd probably be dead without it while having Covid. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Stars. Think about your biggest mistake, would you go back and change it? I absolutely would. Are you dating the person you last kissed? Yeup. What is the most immature item you own and actually use? Um. Idk. Do you always take a shower after you have sex? I... didn't know people did this? Like I know women are advised to pee after sex, but full-on showering? No. Do you like chocolate popsicles? Oh hell yeah. Are your parents proud of you? They claim to be. I don't see how. Are you interested in the ocean? Yeah; it's inarguably so fascinating. Hot dogs or hamburgers? I prefer burgers. Have you ever been to a Chinatown in any of the cities you’ve been to? No. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. Do you have any dietary restrictions? No. Have you ever turned down a job offer? No. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? A dog named Cali that was a boxer mix. Do you ever pray, even if you don't believe in God? What exactly is the point if you don't believe in God...? Anyway, I don't. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand before? No. What's the shortest or longest length you've ever had your hair grow? To around the small of my back. The last nest you saw - was it a bird nest or a hornet's nest? I think a bird's? Do you enjoy Jeff Dunham? I don't know if I'd like him as a person, but I do think he's a funny comedian. Who is your favorite character from Frozen? I was never into the movies. I do think Elsa is kinda cool (no pun intended, lol), though. I like that she has her flaws. Did you finish high school? If not, do you plan on doing so? I did. Have you been in a simulator that mimicked a submarine or rollercoaster? A rollercoaster, yes. How often do you go out to eat instead of cooking for yourself? Mom and I try to avoid fast food for our health. We do a pretty good job at it, but sometimes for convenience's sake, we do eat it. What is the largest family of siblings that you know of? This is probably gonna come across as very judgmental, but... it really bothers me. I don't know how many kids she has now, but one of the dance moms from the studio has SO many children; I've completely lost count. Now if you want that many kids and can provide for them, that's cool. But that's not the case. She uses the "if God wants me to have a baby, then it will happen" mentality, and I'm just like... um, no hunny. Poor choices are leading to kids you're not adequately providing for. She uses no methods of protection and literally has twins whose room is a fucking closet. Ugh it just really bothers me. What foreign languages were offered to you at school? A whole lot. Only Spanish and I believe French were offered as in-school courses, but there were lots of online classes. If you were required to take a course right now, what would you choose? Photography. Team Biden or Team Trump? Over my dead body would I have voted for Trump. My vote went with Biden. What is an animal native to your country that may not exist in others? Bison are factually exclusive to North America. Note that bison and buffalo are different. What are some of your favorite autumn activities? Taking pictures of fall scenery. <3 What are some of your favorite winter activities? Going out in the snow. :') Especially with a camera. Do you eat a shit-ton the week before your period? uuugggghhHHHHHH yes Wendy's, McDonalds, or Burger King? Wendy's. What's the weirdest question you've ever asked Alexa? I've never asked Alexa anything. Do you prefer your apple cider to be warm or cold? I've actually never had it. Do you prefer your coffee hot or iced? Y'all know the story of me and coffee. Can you sing the alphabet backwards? I can't. Have you ever sent flowers or chocolates to yourself before? Ha ha, no. Is there any meat that you won't eat? Yeah, fish and ANYTHING that comes from a wild animal. Does your cat use anything other than it's scratching post as a scratcher? When we got him a scratcher WITH CATNIP, the lil butthead ignored it. -_- He scratches the carpet instead. Did you go through a vampire craze before? Are you still going through it? Nah. Have you ever forged your parents' signature on a poor test paper, etc? No. Has a bird ever pooped on you before? Omg, no. I'd die. Have you ever been sprayed by a skunk before? No. Are black jellybeans delicious or disgusting? I HATE them. Have you ever rolled down a grassy hill before? I have! I miss that.

[hoodoo12]

Full Disclosure

I’ve had a few requests, so this is for my nonbinary readers. I love you! 

SFW. Meeting the family. Swearing. Sliding close to panic attacks. Confessions. Rick admitting something about himself. Comfort and care.

⁂

“Summer, Morty, Beth, and . . . Jerry.”

Rick pointed to each of his family members in order, around the table, as if you couldn’t figure out who each of them were. He introduced you too, adding,

“She’s the one I’ve been seeing.”

“Seeing, Dad?” his daughter asked skeptically.

“I’m sleeping with her, if that’s what you’re asking. Fucking her—“

Jerry gave an overly loud and obviously fake laugh, and cut his father-in-law off. “Courting her! I’m sure Rick just meant to say courting her!”

That started an awkward argument between several of them. You don’t care about the exact labeling of your relationship with Rick, but you do correct the group of them quietly with,

“Them.”  

No one pays attention to you, as caught up as they were in what was and was not appropriate language and conversation at a dinner table.

In the eye of the maelstrom, you softly say,

“They’re.”

“No, right here!” Jerry replies, not paying attention to what you’re actually saying. “This here is my house, Rick, and you flaunting your sexual, your carnal . . . your, your hedonistic . . .”

Jerry rummages for the right word, and the entire table waits in anticipatory horror at what may finish the sentence.

“. . . capers!” he says triumphantly, as if he’s made a rousing closing statement.

Everyone is silent for a moment.

“You’re a real-real wordsmith, Jerry,” Rick says sarcastically.

Jerry stands up and slams his palms on the table. “You think you can just bring her here, like it’s all cool and normal? Like she’s your girlfriend? Like she’s—“

Once more, you quietly say, “They’re.”

Rick looks at you, finally, really looks at you. His eyes roam over you. His attention is laser-like in intensity, and you feel very small, even as you try to ignore him. You concentrate on controlling your breathing, since you’re tip-toeing closer and closer to a panic attack. Before he can say anything in your defense, however, the rest of the family turns on Jerry.

“Jesus christ, Jerry!” Beth exclaims.

“You’re so rude, Dad!” Summer says at the same time.

He looks wounded. “But Beth! He’s just here, flaunting her—“

“Them,” you whisper. No one but Rick seems to hear you.

“—and don’t tell me you think it’s okay, he’s your father, Beth, your elderly father—“

“I think he’s an adult and she’s an adult and—“

Your lips form the word “they’re”, but you don’t actually say the word this time.

Suddenly Rick grabs your hand and hauls you up out of your chair as he stands. Both of your chairs screech loudly on the floor. It’s enough to stop his daughter and son-in-law from fighting, for a moment.

“Well, this was a pile of horseshit,” Rick announces. “I’d say thanks for the dinner, sweetie, but we never even got a chance to eat it. Come on, let’s go.”

The last line was directed at you, but his grandkids look up hopefully.

“Sorry Morty. Sorry Summer. Maybe later Grandpa’ll take you out—we’ll go get ice cream, okay?” apologizes Rick, before he looks pointedly at Jerry. “We have some unfinished fucking to get done.  ”

Before anyone can respond, Rick drags you out of the dining room, leaving his family behind. He doesn’t tell you where you’re going; doesn’t ask how you’re doing. He just pulls your by the arm out to his vehicle, makes an impatient wave of his hand to get you inside, and takes off.

You’re glad to just be away from the noise. It’s easier to breathe, here, too.

After a while, it’s apparent he’s flying around aimlessly. You say,

“We didn’t really get a chance to eat, before all hell broke loose. I’m still hungry. Any chance of getting some food?”

Rick gives you a side glance. “You look a little different tonight,” he replies.

That’s a confusing reply. You can’t think of what to say to that.

“You—are you wearing a binder?”

Your jaw drops. You were, but you’d never told him about it. And the shirt you’re wearing is kind of loose, so it should have helped disguise the fact you weren’t wearing a bra. Lots of different scenarios run through your head, and for a moment, you’re frozen.

“I’m sorry,” Rick says, and for the life of you you have no idea exactly what he’s apologizing for. “I shouldn’t have introduced you as ‘she’.”

That paralyzed feeling doesn’t go away. In fact, your dread comes barreling back, steamrolling you and suddenly, you’re crying.

“Hey-hey—what’s this now?” Rick exclaims. He shifts the ship into neutral and turns to you.

You can’t control your sobs.

“I-I-I—“ you stutter.

The vehicle is too wide for him to do anything but put a hand on your shoulder. “Baby,” he soothes. “I—“

“I didn’t know how to tell you!” you sob.

“Baby, it’s—“

Now that the floodgates are down, however, you interrupt him again. Your voice is wracked with choking sobs, but you can’t seem to stop. “I wanted to tell you! I didn’t want to lie! But, but, but it’s so hard, and people don’t understand and sometimes it’s hard for me to understand too and I just, I don’t know, I was worried, and-and, I was worried about telling you and now I’m worried that you know, and I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Rick! I tried to keep it under wraps, but tonight, I don’t know—just everyone saying “she” and “her”, and it just, just set me off! And no one paid attention, no one ever pays attention—“

You run out of breath and have to take a giant, weepy gasp. Your throat is tight and sore, and your eyes haven’t stopped leaking. You must look a mess and that’s not helping anything—

“Baby! Sugar, it’s fine,” Rick placates.  He lets go of your shoulder and strokes your hair.

“It’s n-not-not fine!” you contradict loudly. “I should have told you, you should have known so you had the opportunity  to, to . . .”

Your voice trails off, and it’s not because of the crying this time. Rick prompts,

“To what, baby?”

Although your eyes feel swollen and you know you must look like hell, you look him straight in the eye and say,

“To know the truth so you could break it off with me.”

That hard nugget of terror, the one that lodges in your stomach whenever someone expresses an interest in you, has now been verbalized and is out in the open. It seems to expand in your gut, and suddenly, you can barely draw breath.

The panic that has been sniffing for an opening pounces. Your sobs take on a dry, heaving quality, and mindless that you’re not on the ground, you scrabble for the door handle. You need to get away from the disgust and confusion you can imagine is etched on Rick’s face.

Instead, you find yourself awkwardly hauled out of your seat again. This time you’re forced into the back bench seat of the vehicle, situated between Rick’s long legs, your back to his front. He holds you tightly. He may be rocking, but then again, it may be the vibration from the ship in neutral.

For a long while he doesn’t say anything. He just keeps you wrapped up in his arms and legs. At first you want to struggle away from him, but eventually you just feel weak and tired. Your tears have finally stopped; you’ve run out, you think. You just want to go home and collapse under a blanket and never come back out.

“Take me home, Rick,” you croak. Your throat is raw.

“Why, baby? Aren’t you com-comfortable here?”

You are, actually, on the lumpy backseat of his vehicle, surrounded by him. But that doesn’t override the fact that he’ll never want to see you again, so it’s better to rip that bandage off now. You tell him that.

He snorts, a little, and it tickles your ear. “Why do you think I wouldn’t want to see you again? Do you think I-I take the time to calm down every sobbing wreck I have in here? Christ, I’d never get anywhere if I had to stop and talk to Morty about his crying fits all the time.”

That’s kind of funny, and kind of mean, and all Rick. A tiny chortle escapes you.

You sigh. Rick’s hand tightens on over top of yours.

“I give literally no fuck about labels,” he tells you quietly. His voice is low, and very serious. He doesn’t move his lips from the side of your head, and it tickles you again. You shiver as he continues. “I don’t mean to brag—or astound you with my sexual, my hedonistic capers—“

A laugh breaks loose from you, as he uses his son-in-law’s terminology. Rick stops and you feel him chuckle a moment too.

“—but sugar, I have been with women, men, hive minds, individuals of species who don’t have genders, a gelatinous cube alien that I’m pretty sure was more intent on absorbing me than getting it on, and once or twice, even another Rick. So you being you? That’s exactly what I want.”

Your breath catches again, but it’s not in panic this time.

“I’m sorry I called you she,” Rick apologies again. “I should have been more observant.”

“It’s okay,” you forgive. Your throat still hurts, and you swallow to relieve it.

“And this—“ he says, running fingers down your side and feeling the fabric of your binder under your shirt. “You tried to keep it under wraps? That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard. Did you come up with that on the fly, or were you just waiting for the ab-absolute perfect moment to drop it?”

You laugh again and elbow him lightly in the ribs. He shifts his hands and slips them, still on top of your shirt, down the front of your chest. It feels nice.

“You look good,” he murmurs in your ear. “I like this.”

“I don’t . . . I don’t wear it all the time,” you tell him, suddenly self-conscious about it.

You can feel him shrug. “I know. Either way, I like it.”

You shift around between his legs. He’s serious. You kiss him, and it’s as fiery as it was before everything came to a head tonight.

“Come on, baby. I’m starving. You want ice cream instead of dinner? We’ll swing by the house, pick up the kids, and head back out to the best ice cream place in the galaxy, okay?”

You agree, and although that feeling of terror hasn’t dissolved completely—you still have to deal with his family, although you imagine his grandkids are going to be fine—it’s much, much smaller, and you can breathe again.  

 fin.

[ellana-ravenwood]

“Bruce...sucks” - Bruce Wayne x Reader

Summary : The women of the League are teasing you about the love bites that litter your body....

I already kinda had the idea of doing a similar story on the women side...So here we go. Last time the guys of the League were mocking Bruce for the scratches on his back, now, it’s Batmom’s turn (though I feel it’s not as funny as the other, I tried something else you know, so that the stories wouldn’t be exactly the same, too similar and shit...erf, whatever, hope it’s kinda ok). Hope you’ll like it (insecuritiesoverloadbutitsok) : 

You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

PART 1

__________________________________________________

It wasn’t really part of your initial plan to shower at the same time than them. Bruce told you about his friends trying to tease him about the nail marks you left on his body after a heated night, and you were afraid that your girl friends would do the same, a bit paranoid about it really...

But then you thought about the fact that usually, women tended to be a bit more mature about that (maybe?), that they would probably behave and ignore the hundreds (literally) love bites on your body. 

Besides, there was only Diana, Zatanna and Dinah, surely, they wouldn’t say anything, after all, they were used to Bruce being affectionate towards you when he thought no one was watching, small love bites wouldn’t shock them or anything. They were your three best friends, they knew how to not intrude too much in your life. They would definitely not talk about the marks your husband left on your body. 

And oh you were so wrong. 

You were in your underwear when you started to notice their smirks, and the way they whispered in each other’s ears while looking at you. No...could it be ?

You turn around, and when Diana’s eyes go wide at the sight of the love bites on your front while Zatanna and Dinah just start laughing stupidly, you know you actually were right to “fear” a reaction from them. You roll your eyes and give them your best “really ?” facial expression before saying :

-Are you guys snickering like idiots because of the love bites ? 

Zatanna answers your question :

-No, we’re snickering like idiots because Bruce...

And then it happens. The worst pun you ever heard in your life (and you were used to Dick and Tim’s nerdy jokes). All three of them yell : 

-SUCKS !

Stun. That’s what you are. Wow. Even worst that the poor attempt from your male friend in the league to embarrass Bruce. An awful pun. 

-Are you guys serious ? 

-Oh come one (Y/N), it’s funny right ? You’re covered in love bites, so...Bruce sucks ! 

-Don’t explain it Diana, it’s not funny when you explain the joke ! 

-Yeah well she obviously didn’t get it Dinah, look at her face.

-Oh I understood alright. It’s just...so bad. So damn bad. 

-You have no sense of humor. That’s probably why you and Bruce get along so well. 

-She shouldn’t get along with him though because he...Sucks ! 

Oh my God. Were they drunk ? Was that why they were laughing so hard at their stupid joke ? Was that really the best they could come with ? Like, at least, the guys had some good punch line and such, it’s just, no one wins against the Batman you know ? But your friends...Well, you were questioning wether you should stay friends with them or not. Terrible puns and unstoppable laughter because of it could be a good reason enough to stop all contact with them...

You smiled at your own thoughts, thinking that, probably, your sense of humour wasn’t any better than them. After all, you recall a few time where you and Bruce would laugh for hours at really dumb fart jokes...Oh if the world knew how you could be when it was just the two of you, most of its strongest convictions would shatter. The Batman laughing because his wife farted ? Inconceivable. 

Ignoring their very loud laugh, you just start dressing again. Finally, they calm down, and as you put your shirt on, sitting on a bench against the wall, they suddenly surround you. Diana starts : 

-So, he likes sucking on you uh ? 

You blush a bit, but quickly regain your countenance. There was no way they’d make you crack. You could totally do it. You could pull a “Bruce Wayne” on them, and turn the table, making them blush and regret ever teasing you.

-Does he call you his little “popsicle” ? 

You give Diana your most exasperated look, and roll your eyes some more. But clearly, Zatanna thinks the idea of the dark and broody batman calling you his “popsicle” is hilarious because she keeps going : 

-Oh I can just imagine it. You guys coming home from a long mission, him asking for his favorite dessert...His lovely “(Y/N) popsicle”. 

-Yes, I can see it too, they...

-Imma stop you guys right now, because I feel like you’r going to make it weird. Like, come on guys, do not imagine Bruce and I having sex...

-We’re not imagining you having sex, we’re imagining you beginning some foreplay. 

-Oh my god !

-Oh look, we made her blush ! We made the proud and self-controlled (Y/N) blush ! 

-I’m not blushing, I’m annoyed ! 

-You’re blushing, you’re totally blushing, and we’ll tell everyone that we made you blush. That we did what the guys couldn’t do...we made one of the batlover blush. It’s quite the achievement, you guys are usually so good at hiding your emotions ! 

-...Batlover ? 

-Batlovers. That’s you and Bruce. 

-Yeah I think I got it...Why bat ?

-Your superhero name wasn’t working with “lover”. 

-I’m a bit vexed now. 

-Get over it...Popsicle. 

By now, you are a bit amused, because maybe, just maybe, they’re making “jokes” that start to appeal to your silly and stupid sense of humor...Now if only they’d make dark and sarcastic comedy jokes, and they’d make you laugh. 

But dark and sarcastic comedy wasn’t on their agenda. Making you more uncomfortable was their goal right now, so Dinah went on :

-No but, for real, how is it ?

-...What ? 

-Come on (Y/N), we saw love bites in...interesting places. 

-What, Oliver never leave any love bites in “interesting places” ? 

-..We’re not talking about Oliver. 

You give Dinah your most apologizing look (which infuriates her), and with an exaggerated sad voice you say : 

-I’m sorry for you Dinah. I’m genuinely sorry Oliver isn’t interested in your special places that much...

-He leaves enough love bites ok ! He prefers just bites anyway...

-Oh Oliver bites ? Sexy. How’s that ?

The attention from your two other friends turn to Dinah, and she blushes. Just like Bruce said, diverging the attention on someone else was easy. Only, Black Canary wouldn't have it  : 

-Really ? What Oliver does to me sounds more interesting that what the freaking  Batman do in bed ? Like, I’m pretty sure my stupid husband brags about his sexual prowesses all the time. 

Diana smiles, and says : 

-Oh yeah...He does...You’re right. Bruce’s more interesting. 

You scoff and try to stand up, but they force you to sit back down...you would not leave before talking at least a bit about your goddamn sex life. They were genuinely curious, like...It was the Batman ! The only man none of them could really read, as he was always so stoic and such ! And you were you, the only one able to make him blush only by whispering god knew what in his ear, or make him twitch by brushing your fingers on his arms slightly while passing next to him ! LIKE IT WAS FUCKING INTERESTING ALRIGHT ?!

You sigh. You knew you wouldn’t get away as easily as Bruce, making your friends blush wouldn’t stop them from wanting to know, and you were too nice to humiliate them too much...

-Come on, tell us. Like, your body is almost purple because of all the love bites so...

-Alright. I don’t really know what to say. It’s amazing ? Like, he’s good ? Love bites aren’t the only things he can do with his mouth let me tell you that. 

They chuckle slightly. A bit surprised by your honesty though...but you thought that maybe, only maybe, if you said things like that right away they wouldn’t ask too much ? Besides, it was kinda fun to talk about that with friends, and you were totally going to brag about how good of a lover Bruce was. 

You made sure to make them blush, even though they weren’t prude. You gave them some details, because you thought it was fun when they gasped and made a face that clearly stated they were totally jealous of you. Especially since they knew it wasn’t your type to over-exaggerate events...Damn, Bruce seemed like a really good damn lover. Though they had to admit, you didn’t sound too bad either. They totally understood why he would cover your skin with love bites.

After almost an hour of everyone talking about their sex life (you won for “best sex life ever”, hands down...Though Dinah and Oliver weren’t too bad, and damn Diana and Clark were...Special), you guys were just totally relaxed about the thing. It was definitely not as awkward and weird as when the guys tried to tease Bruce. His experience ended in him making fun of them, while yours ended in a very interesting conversations with some of your best friends. Besides, some of you had great advices to give each others ! 

However, of course, because every good things has to end, at some point, someone had to ruin it. Today, this someone was Zatanna. She made you stiffen when she said : 

-It’s funny, Bruce never left any marks like this on me. 

Diana and Dinah freeze, knowing how you could get when the green monster of jealousy would show up...

You knew Bruce and Zatanna, a very long time ago (and since you and Bruce had quite an age gap between the two of you, you were probably just a child when it happened), had a thing while she was teaching him some evasion skills (your husband told you), and you were cool with it, because you trusted both of them, and because...Well it was a long time ago, and you were the one with the ring. You were the reason he refused a date with Zatanna years before, when she came back in his life, because he was already head over heels for you, and no one could take your place, ever. Buts still, talking about it that openly was a mistake. 

You never dealt well with your husband’s exes (you remember that time you and Selina Kyle fought because she was flirting with him at a gala, right in front of you, and your sons had to separate you, while Bruce was completely stunned...that idiot didn’t even notice that Catwoman was flirting. Good thing though, it meant he wasn’t flirting back...he wouldn’t even think about it anyway, too in love with you for that). Even if it was just a very short lived relationship. And even if it was one of your best friend. 

You slowly turn to Zatanna, a menacing look on your face, and say : 

-...You know I turn into a terrible person when I’m jealous right ? That I can’t help it ? 

Zatanna, realizing her mistake, tries to backtrack, but while trying to explain makes it even worst :

-Oh don’t be like that, you know Bruce and I had a very short lived fling years ago, when he was training, before he even became Batman. There was no love involved, we were just...friends with benefits. A slight infatuation at most. 

-Zatanna, seriously, shut up, or I’ll punch you in the face so hard it’ll make your magic disappear. 

You can see the glint of worry in your friend’s eyes. She knew how you could become when jealous, she was really regretting her words...damn her big mouth. Besides, yeah, maybe talking with one of your best friend about that time you used to fuck with her husband was probably a bit insensitive...But it was years before you and him even met ! Hell, they were barely twenty, you probably were no more than eight at the time ! 

-Alright alright. Let me just add, as a sort of apology : he never looked at me the way he looks at you. When you’re in the room, no one else exist all of a sudden. Even if I tried to seduce him, he wouldn’t even give me a second look before telling me to fuck off. You know damn well you have him wrap around your little finger. Also, he never left any marks on me, he never took the time to do so you know ?

-...

-Alright, I won’t talk about it anymore. Stop looking at me like that please, feels like you’re about to eat me, it’s creepy...Besides, the two times I did it with Bruce weren’t as great as what you describe so...Oh ok, no, don’t hit me, I’ll really shut up ! 

Diana and Dinah were ready to get a hold of you, just in case you decided to execute your threat and punch your friend. You had a really mean right hook...But seeing Zatanna’s sorry (and still quite worried) face relaxed you a bit. You realized it was silly to be mad about something that happened over 20 years ago, before you even knew Bruce and all...Especially since, once again, you ultimately were the one he chose. Above everyone else. And you were the only one that could make him smile without effort, laugh even, or just make him happy by your mere presence. If only you knew how much he loved you, you’d never get jealous again, because really, you were the only woman that counted in his eyes. He never loved one like you, would never love one like you ever again. You were the one you know ? 

-Erf. It’s ok Zata’, I’m sorry. It’s just, he had quite a lot of...”flings”, before me you know ?

-According to the rumors, yes. But according to what you tell us, you’re definitely the best sex he ever had. Maybe because you’re the only one he ever truly loved, such a connection is...important.

-Yeah well he’s also the best sex I ever had, even if I definitely wasn't a virgin either when we first got together. Yup, he’s definitely the best, even though, you know, he...sucks. 

The fit of laughter that takes over your friends almost kill them. Their laugh is so loud, and they just can’t stop...You still really don’t get why this joke is so funny to them. What the Hell really ? 

Slowly, you take your stuffs and leave the place, leaving your friends to their weird laughing club. 

-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HE SUCKS ! BECAUSE OF THE LOVE BITES YOU KNOW HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA !!!!! 

-HAHAHAHAH DIANAAAAAHAHAHA !! DON’T EXPLAIN THE HAHAHAH JOKE OR IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMOOOREAHAHAHAHAHHAA. 

*******************

Bruce was waiting for you outside of the women shower room, back against the wall, arms crossed. Making sure it was only you and him around, you went to kiss him. Hard. Which surprised him a bit, but he definitely responded. He pulls away and brush a gentle hand on your cheek, putting some wild strands of hair behind your ear, before asking : 

-So...Are you gonna tell me what was all that laughter about ? 

-You. 

-Thanks. 

-Don’t worry, it was in a good way. Also, apparently, we have the most interesting sex life out of all the League members. 

-...What ?

You wink at him, take his hand, and drag him with you to the nearest zeta tube. You were going to tell him the story of your curious friends, but not before a bit of...bedroom sports. As you both disappeared in the zeta tube, making-out like teenagers, some of your League friends present nearby got suddenly very embarrassed...

[indi-flying-with-dragons]

1, 2, 15, 16, and 18 XD

HEY MAN XD How ya doing? :3 *HUGGLES* Sorry for getting to this late. xD Around this time of night things calm down enough and I finished going through my feed usually so I tend to have more of a breather for things like this. XD

Let me see here. >.>~~~

1: What is the most useless fact you know?

Oh shit let me think? XD You’d have to define “useless” there man because I don’t really categorize things into things like this. e.O O.e I mean I have “disgusting” or “weird” or “shocking” or “little-known” or “freaky” or “could be useful but isn’t yet” along with “useful” and “cool” and “awesome” and “funny” categories. Not “useless.” O.o

….-^- I shall do one from the “random” category and shake them around and see what I pick from a hat! *nod nod* -^-

*fails when most of the things he draws out are actually cool or helpful or important*. … -///- Nrrr. I not do this good eh?

… SCREW THIS. >^^

Did you know that blue feathers are a structural color? :D Come from the structure of the feather itself and not any pigments? (Unless you’re a parrot because they can make rare color pigments naturally like blue, red, yellow, and green!) Purple is another structural color, same with iridescence. :3 You don’t see it so well unless there’s sunlight. :D

Red, yellow, orange, shades of brown, shades of grey and black, are all pigment-based colors. :D Red, yellow, orange are all from one’s diet (unless you’re a parrot!), with green being a combination of the yellow pigment the blue structural color. :3

White is a structural color and complete absence of pigment at all. :D So it wears down more easily than black which has a lot of pigment reinforcing the feather structure from wear and tear. Which is why most bird species that fly a lot usually have a darker color band along the edges of their flight feathers, to stop that wear and tear, if their wings aren’t already a darker color. :3

2: What was your most awkward “hahaha…oh wait you’re serious” moment?

Geeze have to have one come to my mind. Hrm. I KNOW I’ve some. Or rather… I know I’ve done a FUCK-TON of “You’re totally serious …wait you’re actually joking? oops.” which is the exact opposite I’d say. *grins*

…Fuck it’s not actually coming to me. I just keep getting plenty of “you’re serious… oh wait you were joking the whole time? Ahahah… *belated laugh*” instead. O.e

I don’t have the memory for things like this. T^T (And you overthink things a lot!) Shush! (NEVAH -^-) -.-;;; …Fuck this I’m gonna do what comes to my mind instead. -^-;;;My dad was leading into a pun with me totally unknowing. He was telling a pretty serious-sounding story, and I was focusing more on his lips to lip-read him, and not noticing the little glint of mischief in his eyes. Then he ended with a very VERY bad pun about a pig somehow. (Don’t fully remember it, thankfully!) I got confused for several long beats… then deadpanned when I finally got it. I told him it was P.U. two-thirds of a pun and so bad.

He laughed a lot and then proceeded to keep getting my mind to fill in his puns for him, even ending up at the end drawing out something and my mind filled in the joke FOR him without him having to say a word. He cracked up so hard, I was laughing yet complaining about him doing that.

Then I said (My mom was also in the room btw): “MOM! Make my dad stop using my mind against meeeeee!”

Then we all took in how that SOUNDED, especially out of context, and just erupted into total laughter for many long minutes. xD One of the hardest we’ve laughed as a group that I can think of. XD I was proud of that bit. XD Even if I didn’t like the PUNishment my dad subjected me to beforehand. -x-;;

15: How would you describe Tumblr to a friend who has never heard of it?

A site full of social justice stuff, discourse, random memes, cool stuff, and really weird things you never heard before, all stuffed into one thing. The IM function kinda sucks. The tag system is tricky to figure out. But I really love reblogging things to have on my blog as some sort of whacked up collector fetish.

…What? Why are you giving me that look?

Wait. WAIT

COME BAHCK

16: What is the single most liberating thought that you’ve ever had?

Well there’s one that recently comes to mind. To realize that there isn’t much of a separation between me in this lifetime and me in my spirit. That, while I had almost idolized my spirit self because I KNEW what to expect then and was laid back and calm and not the frazzled nervous wreck I feel myself to be in this lifetime… there really isn’t that much difference at all. In this lifetime, I’m acting exactly as how my spirit self would act… because I AM my spirit self.

I just don’t have the information I am used to having back at home, which frazzles me quite a bit. But all the good things I saw in my spirit self, I have in abundance here as well. And all the things I don’t like about this physical life self, I’ve done and encountered plenty of times back at home. I just didn’t really pay attention to those as much. No matter where I am, no matter how much or little I remember, I AM the same exact person here in this life as I am back at home. I’m just responding to a different situation, with some limitations on hand that makes it more tricky for me than I’m usually used to handling.

That really helped me a fuck ton that revelation. :) I was finally ready to believe it and integrate that into my perception of the world around me. :) Finally. X>X~

18: What’s the worst case of “spoiled rotten” that you’ve seen?Let’s see…

I’m not going off in person because I can’t overhear that well IRL due to being hard-of-hearing even WITH my cochlear implants. I’m going off what I saw online since I can more consistently actually know what the fuck people are saying in that format.

There was someone who was taking a photo of them in their car, a teenager, with a literal wad of cash in their purse, simultaneously complaining about not getting something better, as well as bragging about what they already had. Then I heard some agency went in and busted their parents up over the incriminating wad of cash in the purse, since that was pretty good evidence their parents had been doing some illicit activities. And this person saw fit to complain and throw a fit over it, and jump on the government agency as being the “bad guys” and themself and their parents being “poor victims of a crime” no matter how many people tried to explain to them on social media why they, that person themselves, had actually fucked up.