#he has his self worth and abandonment issues and while that absolutely informs how he navigates his relationships with people

[fkitwebhaal]

Fic: Violence Forgiving Steel

Ship: The Dark Urge/Enver Gortash and The Dark Urge/Haarlep but it's not the focus.

Fandom: BG3

Warnings: non graphic rape/non-con, non graphic dubious consent, self destructive behavior, suicidal thoughts

Rating: M

AO3

Summary: 

"In the end, it’s a nightmare that makes you decide to leave." After Gortash tells the party who the Dark Urge truly is, the Dark Urge leaves the party in the middle of the night. That doesn't mean they abandon the promises they made their friends. Or the Dark Urge goes on a one sorcerer mission to right their wrongs and save their friends from the shadows. Its goes both better and worse than expected.

Notes:

See those warnings. I am not fucking around with those warnings. Nothing is graphic but if you see anything there and go “I don’t know” maybe skip this one. This is pure angst and one squid joke.

The Durgetash here is entirely dubious consent.

Fic is below the cut!

In the end, it’s a nightmare that makes you decide to leave. Everything else, the day you’ve had, the revelations you’ve heard, are just added reasons to go.

You put your tent farther from the others to rest the night after you’re revealed to be behind the absolute plot. Your lover doesn’t ask to share your bedroll tonight and you’re afraid to ask if it’s because they know you want the alone time or if they’ve decided you're not worth sharing a bedroll with. When you dream, it is of blood covered hands and your companions scattered around you in pieces like Alfira. 

You wake up choking on a scream, the image of a collection of severed fingers in your hand making you feel nauseous. Every second you stay in camp, you are a threat to them all. You’ve known this for awhile, how could you not, but until today you’d been able to tell yourself that the companionship your friends enjoyed was more of an asset than the risk you posed. 

Now, after shouts about your past betrayal, that argument seems flimsy. 

You start packing as you think out a plan. It’s ludicrous, and will likely end in your death, but you’re not sure if that’s such a bad outcome. Gortash wants you to be his partner again, and while you refused him, should you fake a change of heart, he might trust you enough to let some information slip. You doubt it would be easy, he’s not a complete moron, but his delight in seeing you again is an emotion you can exploit and you are quite the talented actor. 

If you pull off playing turncoat for just a day, you could learn the location Wyll’s father, maybe even break him out yourself. Maybe you could even scope out the fortress for storming it layer, sabotaging some of the traps that are sure to lie in wait. 

And then, once that was done, you could see about helping your companions other issues. Many of them are hurting from issues you caused and the rest you promised to aid when you made it to the city. There is no need for you to break that promise, even should you not be physically at their side.

An elaborate plan forms in your head. Given what Gortash said hours earlier, you used to be quite talented at those. Hopefully the worm in your head and the injury that put it there haven’t reduced your capacity for scheming that much. 

With the plan sketched out in your mind, there’s one important aspect you need to test first. So you mentally reach out to the man who has watched you this entire journey and poke gently.

“Yes ?” The Emperor’s voice echoes in your mind. 

You have a hunch he’s been manipulating you this whole time. It’s not a new suspicion, you’ve suspected since Moonrise, but it’s solidified in the wake of his true appearance. He had appeared to you as a blue tiefling, familiar in a way that didn’t provoke the horror like your other memories. You are not so naive to think that was a coincidence. 

Now that you know what you are, you know the advantages to hiding your fangs and claws among the flocks of sheep. 

Thankfully, you’re a talented manipulator yourself. The Emperor might think he pulls your strings but you now know enough about him to pull back. 

“ The prism will hold as long as we both stay in the city ?” You ask mentally as you pack the last of your supplies. He takes a moment to reply and you wonder if it’s because he’s actually thinking through your answer, or that he wants you to. 

“ Yes, but removing yourself from your companions is unwise .”

“ They don’t trust me anymore .” You think to how Karlach raged at you, tears clinging to her cheeks, how Lae’zel sneered at you like she hasn’t since the first day of the crash. Hopefully those memories will suffice to mask your true feelings on the matter: that you still trust them, that you are leaving to offer them peace. “ If I work on my own, we can solve this faster. But you can’t tell them where I am.”

There is no reply. You go for the killing blow, the string you think the Emperor is most susceptible to being pulled by. “ You’re the only one I can still trust.”

That’s what he wants most. Your devotion. You offer it up to him on a silver platter and hope he doesn’t see the knife behind your back.

“I will do as you ask.” You nod, throwing the last of your supplies into your bag and think that his willingness to believe you is the more convincing of the pretense of his soul than anything he’s told you. 

Digging your hand into your bag, you pull out 300 gold. It’s a small chunk from the party funds but you do feel a little guilty about taking it.  But if you want to pull this off, you’re going to need some help, and while Wither’s is cheap, you doubt he’ll give you a massive discount for hiring in bulk.

The last thing you do before packing up your tent is writing a few letters. The first is to the party as a whole, explaining you are not abandoning their cause but seeking to aid them. That you know you betrayed them, and you will make it right, if it’s the last thing you do. That your absence is intended as start of that penance, not cowardice. 

That you refuse to make them rest with the person who put them through all of this. 

The other two letters you write to Wyll and Astarion respectively. Both of them responded to your revelations with empathy, though it’s empathy you couldn’t help but second guess given Wyll’s tendency to put his feelings last and Astarion’s situation possibly making him reluctant to tell you how he truly feels. However, you write neither of your letters because of their reactions. 

For Wyll, it is to stay his hand while you recover the Duke. You can guess what Mizora has planned, it’s not hard to guess, and you will damn yourself before you allow him to damn himself again for a man who cast him aside. 

For Astarion, it’s a reminder of a promise you made him, one you have no intention of failing. You will see Cazador dead when Astarion decides to confront him. As soon as he casts a sending scroll your way (which you ensure to leave for him), you will be waiting in Cazador’s halls to fight beside him. Even if he doesn’t believe you. 

With that thought, you leave your tent and begin to pack it up. Within the hour, you have left Withers your letters and hired yourself three souls of the dearly departed to aid you in what’s to come. He tries to talk you out of it, but when he realizes you can be swayed, he accepts the messages and promises to deliver them. 

You take only one look back at camp before you walk out into the dark of night.

______

Withers’ ghosts are not good company. They don’t talk at all, merely phantom warriors who follow your every command. It’s a loyalty that churns your stomach. 

Sadly, you do need them. If you wish to accomplish anything, you will need help. This whole plan of yours partially relies on Gortash thinking you without allies. So when you arrive at the fortress, you leave them far outside the gate, each with their own instructions on how to proceed. 

Inside the fortress, you request an audience with the new Grand Duke. You get one and when you make it up the stairs to the hall, you find yourself in the aftermath of a bloodbath. All the nobility from earlier are slain where they once stood, blood spilling out upon the floor like the tide coming in. The blood staining the swords of the Steel Watch makes it obvious who the culprit is. However, not all of them are dead yet, having hid for safety. When they spot you, they run out of their hiding place, making their way towards the stairs. They must think you an ally, given the tense words you exchanged earlier in front of the crowd. As the two run at you, you know what you have to do if you want to pull off this con.

You’ve murdered so many people. Two more should be nothing. But when your lightning bolt runs them both throw, their eyes growing wide from the shock, the smell of burnt hair filling the room, you still want to crawl in a hole and die.

“I see you remain as deadly as ever, old friend,” Gortash says, eyeing you as he walks down the hall. He claps slow, like a man does when he sees an impressive trick and you despise him so. “But I thought I said I didn’t wish to see your face again until you provided me the stone.”

“The situation changed; your little display of my history has left me without a place to stay. And since you proposed we become allies, I decided it was best to ask for your generous hospitality.”

He shakes his head. “Ah, I see. Follow me to my office.” 

When you get up there, you tell him the story you concocted. The revelation of you being Bhalspawn and behind the absolute was too much. They couldn’t bring themselves to kill you, but they couldn’t have you stay either. Out of allies, you have crawled back to Gortash’s door in order to forge a new alliance; he leaves your former friends alone and you will help him defeat Orin and give him the stone.

It’s a tough act to sell. You do your best to appear reluctant to be there, devastated by your friends betrayal enough to still care for their safety, but furious enough at their reaction to be willing to team with their enemy. The key is to appear just the right amount of vulnerable that he’ll think that he is manipulating you and not the other way around. 

Gortash worships the God of control. You hope to give him the illusion of controlling you to keep him distracted should the Duke still be in the fortress and in need of rescue. 

You don’t think he buys it entirely but you suspect he wants to. He eyes you up and down slowly; appraising, before he leans back on his desk. 

“Is all of our arrangement back in place or just the business one?” He asks smiling, and you think it’s intended as warm even though it makes your skin crawl. “I understand you remember little of our previous arrangement, so please disregard should you not be interested. I know you’ve been through a lot today and partially on my account.”

You suspected as much about your relationship, but you’d been hoping to be proven wrong. This is partiality a test and you know it; he wants to see if you’ll do something your allies would never approve of. If you refuse him, you can still pull this off, absolutely. There’s absolutely an angle here to go here of mutual mistrust, and you can pull this off even with it in play. But if you spread your legs, you can play up a different tale: that you are so wrecked and ruined by what you were and how your friends have treated you, that you’re willing to fall to your knees at a scrap of kindness. Plus, you can probably get him to leave his office alone. 

You already know which you’re going to pick.

“And if I’m interested?” You say, trying to sound unsure and a bit conflicted. “Only for fun, nothing else.”

Gortash walks past you, and whispers in your ear. 

You shudder. You hope he mistakes it as lust, but if he takes it as the disgust it truly is, you’re sure that wouldn’t be a turn off for him. 

“Then take what you want.”

Pushing the thought away of sweet kisses you shared mere days ago with someone who held your hand and saw you despite your urges, you grab Gortash’s collar and pull him in for a kiss that’s mostly teeth. 

(You hope Karlach doesn’t hate you for this, for giving your body to a man who put her in chains, regardless of your ulterior motives. You hope Astarion doesn’t hate you for this, for offering yourself up freely to be used when you have the opportunity to say no). 

While you “entertain” your old friend, you keep your mind focused on anything else but what you know is happening under his nose. One of your ghosts, pretending to be one of Gortash’s right hand men, is figuring out where the Duke is located from some loose lipped Banites. Another is checking the top floor and Gortash’s office for traps and, should everything go to plan, sabotaging them just enough so they’ll fail quickly without being obviously disarmed. The last is in charge of making a map of the fortress with all the secret entrances and exists they can find. You plan to copy it to send to your friends, Gortash might restrict their access now that you are not among their number. The original you plan to keep to yourself; once Gortash wises up to what you’re up to, you too will need other means of entry. 

After, when he’s asleep, you throw back on your robes and look out the window. It takes ten minutes, but eventually the raven summoned by one of your hirlings flies by with a red and green ribbon around its leg. It’s a code you agreed on beforehand. The red ribbon tells you the Duke is no longer being held in the fortress. The green tells you the other tasks you assigned are complete.

You look over your shoulder at Gortash. You could try to kill him now, but all his guards are outside. You’re not so foolish to think you can take them all on, including the Steel Watch. You’ll just have to trust Karlach and the rest will get the job done better than you ever could.

With that, you misty step into the roof of the fortress that you can see from the window, cast feather fall on yourself and jump off the edge to meet your fellow ghosts on the shore.

____

You lose one of your ghosts freeing everyone from the Iron Throne, along with some of the Gondians. 

All things considered, you did a far better job than you could have hoped. But the death of some of the Gondians sting regardless, especially remembering Gortash’s words over the com. If you had your friends with you, you could have probably saved them all. 

But if you had your friends with you, there would be no way you could know all this within 4 hours. They would have never approved your plan to use yourself as a lure to bait Gortash into a trap.

The Emperor expands his protection to the Duke with little prodding which is nice. When the man recovers himself,  he asks about who you are and you don’t think much about your answer. 

“I’m a friend of your son.”

It’s the wrong thing to say. It never occurred to you that Wyll’s name would inspire any reaction other than awe or happiness. An apprehensive scowl crossed the Duke’s face, and he looks to you like you told him you had a poisonous snake for him. 

“That doesn’t provide me much reassurance.”

You really shouldn’t snap at him. Wyll will be mad at you later for it, you know this, and you don’t really want to upset him. But you are tired, freezing from dirty water and running on fitful sleep. So, you hope Wyll might forgive you when you cast hold person on his father to hiss right in his face. 

“Listen,” you hiss and you can hear the growl of the Urge in your tone, the beast that insists you tear this man limb from limb despite all the effort you made just to save him. “Your son has done far more for this city than you could ever dream of. It’s only out of regard for him that you’re not drowning in a watery grave. So I suggest you pay fucking attention to what I’m about to show you.” And with that, you throw the memories Wyll showed you of his deal straight into the Duke’s head, taking no care to soften up the harsher bits like roaring pain of a lost eye, or the despair when the one person Wyll trusted to aid him slammed a door in his face. 

When you release  him from hold person he doesn’t even try to attack you back. He just steps back and collapses into one of the submarine chairs and you turn away from him before you give into the temptation to flood his mind with some of the horrors you have locked away. 

You walk the Duke back to camp yourself, not willing to risk Gortash or Mizora appearing and spoiling your work. When the camp is in sight, you turn invisible and tell the Duke to head forward without you. You watch as he enters and the camp erupts into chaos, Wyll running at his father to touch his shoulder, ensure that he’s real. When the man looks up to look in the darkness of the night, you take that as your cue to depart and tell yourself he wasn’t looking for you.

____

The book isn’t hard to get, all things considered. You do injure yourself quite a bit getting through the traps, but the ghosts help enough to ensure you make it in the first place. 

You steal a scroll of find familiar while you’re there, conjuring an owl. It feels a bit risky to strap the records you’ve stolen to a bird along with some of the rarer spell scrolls you found, but you can mentally follow the bird until it reaches its destination, so you decide it’s not a terrible idea. 

You include a note too, scribbled down on the back of some parchment you found in the vaults. 

“Do what you may but remember: I prefer Gale Dekarios over any God. I think the world would agree with me.”

You watch as the bird flies to Gale, who the owl locates investigating a murder outside the temple of the open hand. It drops the contents of its package into Gale’s awaiting arms and then goes to perch on Astarion’s hair, deciding his curls look the most comfortable. 

Gale opens the package and inhales a sharp breath as he takes in the contents. To your surprise, he doesn’t instantly go to pour over the contents of the book or the scrolls and instead reaches for your note first. You watch as he reads over the words, once, then twice, before he inhales softly. When he looks up to your owl, his mouth is formed to say the first syllables of your name. 

You break the connection at once and dismiss the familiar before summoning the owl in front of you. It chirps once, irritated to be moved from Astarion’s curls, and you wait for it to complete its tirade before it jumps back on your shoulder. 

____

You don’t get the sending from Astarion when he goes to confront Cazador. You can guess why: if he asks and you don’t show, then he has to deal with another person letting him down. If he doesn’t ask, he can keep the hope you would have shown had your known.

Thankfully, you know the bastard pretty well by now. The owl familiar is a dedicated snitch and when it sees the gang heading out toward Cazador’s manor, it reports back to you dutifully. 

When you make it to the manor, they’ve already started their invasion and you follow the trail of bodies to an elevator that leads deep below. Seeing the party up ahead speaking to someone behind what looks like a cell, you tuck into a side room as to not be noticed. In that side room, as you hear a story from a skull, and read notes on the nature of vampires, you feel almost sick with dread. You don’t like the pieces of this puzzle you have started to put together. 

When you hear the doors open to the ritual chamber, you drink a potion of greater invisibility on yourself (thank you Lorekan for your generous unwilling donation) and follow in the shadows. You take in the cages upon cages of spawn with dawning horror, hating you are here in the shadows rather than at Astairon’s side. Stepping into the grand chamber, you look forth just in time to see Cazador teleport Astarion across the circle into magical restraints just like the rest of his fellow spawn. 

You don’t think. You twin daylight and dimension door despite your exhaustion from the last few days. The daylight you cast right in Cazador’s stupid staff, causing him to drop it as he screeches away from the beam. The dimension door you cast on yourself so you appear, still invisible, right in front of Astarion.

You work at his bindings. He seems to notice and flinches, clearly afraid of invisible hands and you mentally prob his tadpole just enough so he knows it’s you. With that, he relaxes somewhat, and looks down and to the right, a few inches off from where you’re actually located. 

“So you meant it,” he whispers, a disbelieving smile on his face. “You really intend to help me.”

The awe in his voice hurts, but you know it’s deserved. He has every reason to doubt you, despite the letter that you left. Not because of anything you’ve done but because of his own history, that has taught him hope is for fools and burns harsher than the sun when it turns. You wish you could tell him that you’d never leave him to Cazador, he could have spat and raged at you for what you were and you’d still be in this dusty tomb because no one should experience what he’s gone through. That none of your friends deserve any of this. 

But you don’t have time for that. So instead you break the last of his bindings and step back. Infuse your voice with enough confidence that you hope he can believe in it. 

“Like I would miss killing Cazador.”

When he’s freed, he rushes into the fight, daggers in hand. You join as well, using your invisibility to your advantage as you thunderwave Cazador’s minions off of his poorly designed platform. Karlach shouts your name, excited, but you force yourself not to pay her too much mind.

When the last of the minions has fallen, you cast regular invisibility on yourself before the greater version wares off. You head towards the stairs and watch as Astarion stands over his tormentor, requesting that Shadowheart, Karlach or Lae’zel show him an image of his back. They all refuse and he turns his gaze towards the platform where he last saw your thunderwave. You know what he’s asking you.

So you send him three thoughts via the tadpole, the first two being memories. The first is what you learned from the skull and papers in Cazador’s quarters, about what happened to the souls of true vampires, how he might be falling into a cycle. You then send him the image of his back, the cruel contract marked there, should he decide to carve it into Cazador’s flesh. Lastly, you send him your own words, and hope they still hold weight. 

“You can be more than he made you.”

You can hear him saying something as he loops over Cazador and then he starts stabbing widely, ambitions of ascending vanishing with every stab. With that sight, you make your exit, though you do send him a picture of the waiting Gur in the elevator as you leave it so he knows what awaits him. 

Later, as you take a rest in an abandoned slum, you hear a voice in your head. A sending spell. The voice that echoes in your mind is not that of your companions who know how to cast the spell, but instead Astarion. He must have found a scroll of it. 

“You’re more than what he made you too. Come home.”

You curl your knees to your chest and bury your face into your robes. They smell like sewer and shit. You wish desperately that you were back at camp, back home, where you could check on Astarion after the day he had and then Wyll could give you advice for getting smells out of fabric. The desire pulls at your gut to reply, to tell him that he used the word home, that you are so proud of him. 

Thank the Gods you’re so used to resisting your urges by now. Otherwise, you might have caved.

_____

“Am I allowed to tell the others of your status? They are badgering me.”

You’re knee deep is sewer water and half of your robes are covered in grease. The headache you’ve had for the last two days makes you hiss whenever you pass a torch. The last thing you want to deal with is his royal squidness. 

“You can’t tell them where I am.”

“I know that,” he sounds rather irate and wow, they must really be bothering him if they’ve gotten under his skin. “They merely wish to know if you’re alive. They found your attempt to access the foundry.”

Ah, right. That had gone poorly: the Watcher’s had spotted you before you could even enter the first floor and you barely got away with all your limbs intact. The whole affair cost you another one of your ghosts, at large amount of blood, and a good deal of healing potions. It served you right for thinking you could take on something that required brute force with clever spell work. 

“Are they alright?”

“I am not a messenger pigeon. But you did not answer my question.”

You figure they have to be mostly alright if they’re able to pester the Emperor. You tell him he can inform them of your status and continue to muck through the sewers, to locate your father’s stupid murder tribunal. 

One dead holyphant later, you emerge from the sewers to find the foundry nothing but smoke and rubble. You almost cheer in the middle of the lower city.

_____

You get a sending from Gortash the same day he dies. The fact he bothered at all catches you by surprise. 

At the time, you’re trying to figure out how to free Orpheus, which has mostly been an exercise in frustration. Figuring out how to smash whatever bindings that cage the prince is beyond your knowledge base. You’re halfway through another useless tome you bribed the shopkeep to let you skim without buying when Gortash’s voice echoes in your mind. 

“I’ll see you in Avernus, traitor.”

You look up, convinced for a moment he’s bothered to leave his tower behind to hunt you down. But the bookstore is empty save your friendly ghosts and the shopkeep. 

You don’t have to think long about your reply.

“Looking forward to it, old friend.”

You don’t know if he heard your reply before Karlach slays him, but Gods you hope he did.

______

You make an effort to steal the hammer by yourself.

The contract Raphael offered you was tempting (he tracked you down in an alley somehow)but you know giving the demon the crown is far too risky. This entire solo endeavor you’ve embarked upon is about cleaning up your messes, not creating more. So you take the portal to Raphel’s gaudy excuse for a house and try not to scream when you learn you can’t gain the hammer without Raphael coming to call.

You can’t win a fight with a cambion by yourself with only one ghost to help you. So instead, you decide to at least map the place for threats so you can send it their way. A scouting mission is better than nothing.

That’s how you find the Incubus. You stop dead in your tracks when you see Harleep on the bed, and for a horrible moment, you think Raphael is not only home, but dressed to psychologically scar you. When you learn they are an incubus it’s a relief until they make you an offer. 

“We play a game and I’ll tell you the passcode. You’ll have more fun if you lose.”

You’re not bad at games. This could be a way to help your companions. “Alright on one stipulation: you tell my friends the code instead.”

The incubus agrees. You get naked as requested, and it isn’t until they ask what form you’d prefer that you realize this game Harleep wants to play is not naked poker. The realization makes you feel rather stupid. You blame the lack of sleep, compounded exhaustion, hunger and unhealed injuries for the oversight. 

You could back out, this you know. Orpheus’ fate is not something you’re to blame for, one of the few things your past self did not ruin. But Lae’zel turned on her God, her people, partially because she believed in your word. You trust her with your life. The idea of letting her down is physically upsetting. 

You suppose you could fight and torture him for the information. That’s an option. But you are tired, and worn weary, and you’ve already used your flesh as a bartering chip for information with Gortash, so what’s one more time? 

(It’s not like you care about your own fate anyway).

You keep your soul in the end, but barely. When it’s done and you’re picking up your clothes from the floor, you realize you have another request. 

“Can you not tell my friends what I did to get the passcode?”

The incubus looks like you now, wearing that same stupid harness. It makes your skin crawl seeing the outfit on your body. They shake their head and click their tongue.

“Not in our original terms and conditions, I’m afraid.” And with that he vanishes.

You have not bothered to bathe properly since this all started given your limited funds, but when you leave Avernus, you spend some coin on a bathhouse. As you wash, you try not to pay much mind to the bruises left by clawed hands.

 It’s far easier said than done. 

_____

Finding the cloister of Shar is easy, in the end. All you had to do was look lost and depressed in a disguise among the refugees and you had a location by the end of the day. The House of Grief is such a Shar name your eyes could roll out of your skull. 

You’re not quite sure how to best help Shadowheart while not overriding her ability to make her own choices. You’d sneak in behind the party again like you did with Astarion, but you’re almost positive one of them has see invisibility cast on themselves at all times, so that’s no longer an option. And you don’t have the ability or the desire to lay waste to the place without Shadowheart’s input. 

(A part of you is aware how ridiculous you’re being. They clearly want you back, you get multiple sendings each night asking you to return. Your excuse that your distance is for their sake only relies on your nightly fits as the sole piece of evidence in its favor. The real reason you’re still staying away gnaws at you when you let your mind drift. The person who left them is not the person you are now. You were Bhalspawn then too, sure, but you hadn’t cozied up to Gortash and killed someone to gain his trust. That version of you had not strangled a hollyphant to death, nor had that version of you written off some Godians as an acceptable loss. The person you were merely days ago was someone dumb enough to get sucked into a deal with an incubus of all things.

Your distance now is entirely out of fear that you will return and they will hate what you become in your absence).

In the end, you decide on three things to aid them. The first is information on how to find the house: they probably have it already, but it can’t hurt to add. The second is what is left of your gold, placed in a backpack along with any supplies that aren’t absolutely necessary. You give the backpack to Bex at the refugee camp and she promises to deliver it, though not before she comments on your sickly appearance.

The last thing you do is the both the easiest and the hardest. It’s physically easy, all you have to do it go to the Stormshore Tabernacle. But hard part is what you intend to do when you arrive. 

You stand in front of the Selune shrine, chewing at your lower lip. You are not one for the Gods, you’ve professed to loathe them on the regular, and to make yourself supplicant for one feels like licking the ground. But Selune had saved Shadowheart back in the Shadowed realms, she had granted Shadowheart her new powers and abilities and for that, you can force yourself to kneel. 

“Please aid and guide my friend Shadowheart into the House of Grief,” you say, hating how this position of prayer feels familiar. “Assist her in her quest to find what the Lady of Sorrows has taken from her. See her allies protected and unharmed amongst the shadows.”

You light some incense with a cantrip and leave an offering with the bit of gold you saved for the occasion. You’re not sure if the Goddess hears you, but you have to hope. When your last ghost arrives to tell you that they spotted your companions heading for the cloister, you finally break your prayer and stretch out the ache in your shoulders.

Shadowheart is going to confront her former God. It is about time you did the same. 

____

You lose your last ghost in the stupid trial to enter the damned temple. It’s not a total surprise, you knew you’d be outnumbered, but it hurts all the same to see your last mimicry of companionship go up in smoke.

You’ve felt alone all the time but it isn’t until you stand among the bodies of Bhaal’s faithful that you truly are alone in reality. 

You have to take a rest after the fight which you find obnoxious. It can’t be helped though: with your fitful sleep and busy days, you’re burning on fumes. On the off chance you manage to survive your fathers temple, you’re going to sleep on the first horizontal space you find. Ideally for at least a day. 

For now, you pull out your journal as your body recovers and write down some thoughts, should this go poorly in a multitude of ways. Notes to your friends apologizing for what you’ve done when you regret it, and apologizing for the pain you caused when you don’t. Various thoughts on things you couldn’t find solutions for, leads that Karlach might want to consider for her engine, ideas on how Astarion can still feel the sun. A thank you letter for being a friend to a monster.

You leave the journal on the floor outside the temple doors. Your bastard of a Butler is waiting for you and you resist the urge to shock him when he gleefully addresses you. 

“Welcome home!” He crows, little hands pulling at your robes as if to straighten them.

Home. What a farce. Your home is on the surface among a smartass vampire, an ex-cultist, a former chosen, a lost warrior, a kind devil and a tiefling who’s heart burns brighter than the engine in her chest. But you don’t say any of that. Instead, you enter through the doors.

_____

When Orin transforms, it really sinks in how fucked you are. 

It’s not a total surprise, but you’d been hoping you’d have at least a shot of coming out of this alive. If you haven’t been running yourself ragged over the last few days, you probably would have one; you’re a talented caster despite your magic’s tendency to act up. But you’ve run your well dry, and you know it, so as you try to dodge blows and strike back, you know you’re only buying time.

You hope they won’t hang your body up like decor after she wins. Your companions will likely bury you properly should that come to pass, but you’d like to save them the experience of having to un-skewer your corpse. 

You try to dodge another swipe but trip in the process, landing flat on your ass. the Slayer looms above you and in that brief second, you wince, waiting for the final strike to come. 

You’re convinced you’re dreaming when instead of your head being severed from your shoulders, three eldrich blasts hit Orin right in the chest pushing her away from you. Maybe you’ve gotten such little sleep you’ve started hallucinating.

Gale appearing via a dimension door with Shadowheart in tow is what convinces you this is real. You can only stare as Gale casts globe of invunerbily over you three, saving you all from another slice from Orin’s claws. Shadowheart reaches her hand down to tap your forehead and you feel days old wounds close along with your new ones. When you look up at her, her hand is outstretched towards you, and her eyes are wet.

“You’re so stupid,” she says, voice thick. “When we get out of here, I’m going to scream at you for hours.”

An arrow flies past the globe and you turn your head to see Astarion, Karlach and Lae’zel carving their way through the assembled Bhaalists on the stairs. Karlach shoots you a grin, and Lae’zel gives you a nod when they spot you. When Astarion spots you, he looks relieved for a moment before he yells in your direction. 

“Get up you imbicile. Do you think you can win this fight from the floor!”

A smile pulls at your face. You turn back to Shadowheart and take her hand, letting her pull you to your feet. You’re still exhausted after the week you’ve had, but now that your friends are here, you feel reenergixed almost. Your magic swells in you and you turn your gaze to Orin and the symbol of your father carved into the stone behind her.

Your real home has come to claim you. Bhaal’s blood may run through your veins but your real family stands next to you ready to fend him off.

When you cast shatter towards the slayer and her allies, you expand the range just enough that the stone carving of Bhaal’s symbol in the rock cracks with the spell right down the middle. 

[beelspillowpet]

A Lesson in Love - A “Character Analysis” on Asmodeus

I had to come for the tracks, wigs, and weaves of bitches when Pomade dropped because I saw people talking shit about my boy. This was a milestone “project” or “reward” I guess?

I hit 400 followers today while I was out running errands!!! Thank you guys SO SO MUCH for the love and support! I can’t WAIT to produce more content for everyone!!!

Below the cut there WILL BE talk of season 3, as well as some talk of chapter 16. There’s a healthy amount of theorizing on his personality as well, I hope you don’t mind! This came out more like a plea to get people to change their minds about how Asmo really is, rather than a comprehensive essay of sorts. So here we go!

There’s something we apparently still need to talk about in this fanbase. The unrealistic idea of Asmodeus being a sex freak, and an unreliable person in general despite there being little proof of it. We need to set a few things straight about Asmo moving forward.

December 25th rolled around and Asmo’s audio drama and song were released. I take it everyone enjoyed both parts, as well as I did. My timeline both on twitter and tumblr were filled with Asmodeus content, as well as the other brothers and such. But I mostly got Asmo content. However, in peeks and cracks, if I looked hard enough, I still saw people who absolutely loathed Asmo or who were indifferent to him. Keep in mind; I think it’s okay. You don’t have to like everyone.

I’ve only joined the fanbase in September, but even I could tell some of these takes were old fashioned. I downloaded the game on October 17th, a very important anniversary for me, while I 

was still in bed in the morning. I blazed through the entire story of season 1 and now I am stuck in season 2, specifically in Chapter 24. I obviously don’t have every card of Asmodeus with his Devilgrams, but I have been analyzing his character over the past few days for this.

So needless to say, I have a considerable amount of information on him, as well as personal thoughts that may help some learn to love him. Or at the very least, from spreading a negative idea of him around as if it were true. Enough that should help clear his name, so to speak.

Let’s look at his title; Avatar of Lust. Now naturally the thoughts that come to your head are sex and other sexual bits. So I can understand how some people would come to the conclusion that he’s just a sex freak. But if you look under the surface of his title, like I’m sure you’ve had to for your own personal favorites (*cough* Lucifer, Belphie, and Satan ESPECIALLY) you would discover that Asmodeus is more than just about sex. In fact, sex takes up very little of his pass time, if you were to believe it!

In recent chapters, as I’ve been told, Asmodeus doesn’t really get around much anyways:

Granted, this was said while in Celestia, but I imagine not much has changed for him since his fall, as well as his brothers.

Not really comfortable being with just anyone, huh…? Sounds like someone who doesn’t have sex so warily often as you’d think!

Being lustful can come in many shapes and forms. It can be merely in appearance, which Asmo is not afraid of doing. He’s very comfortable about skinship and it’s very apparent in how he dresses and acts that he wants you to adore his body. To worship it! Maybe not sexually, but aesthetically! Being lustful can mean just thinking about sex or sexual scenarios often, which if you take a peek at Asmo’s chat’s either with you or his brothers, is very apparent too.

Personally, I believe that people would assume he is not good in a relationship because he would have a “cheating problem”. I don’t think Asmo is a monster, just like I don’t think any of the brothers are monsters. They may be demons (technically fallen angels) now but they used to be angels too. Their falling out with their Father doesn’t mean they’ve completely abandoned morality, it was a rebellion for Lilith’s right to live. Not for them to sin as they pleased. For all we know they might have been fine in Heaven otherwise! (with the exception of Lucifer.)

A monster knows right from wrong and chooses evil anyways. An ignorant person doesn’t know right from wrong. Asmodeus is not a monster, nor is he ignorant.

When Asmo genuinely loves you, I think he would take steps to calm down that side of him, if it were to exist. Lust is fairly limited, but it is a part of love to some extent. LOVE is vastly different. Love has many languages, and they aren’t all spoken either. For me, personally, I found that Lucifer’s love language can be either very direct, or roundabout so as to not let it go to your head, for an example. Asmo is just far more direct about his care for you.

I feel as though Asmo gets a lot of crap constantly for his presumed nature and because we don’t get to see much else of him at first, especially in season 1, his impression on us sort of stays. With most of the fanbase either somewhat new to the game or somewhere lost in the sea of the difficulty curve that is season 2, we can only assume based on what we’ve seen, and what others have headcanoned about him.

Let’s break and talk about Satan for a moment; this is going somewhere.

I’m led to believe that Satan can control his sin fairly well. He’s easy to get irritated, sure, but he isn’t as much of a walking ball of rage as I suspected. I would argue that, aside from Leviathan, Satan can handle his sin the best out of the brothers. But again, we’re forgetting about Asmo. The Avatar of “Lust”. Like I’ve shown before, he doesn’t really sleep around a lot, according to anon.

At worst, Asmo being flirty is through text and he’s not actively trying to sleep with you. It can be interpreted that way, but for me personally, it comes down to having a friend that is very up close and in your personal space.

(I myself am one of these types of people. Having ADHD, my social cues are always sort of off, and I’ve struggled with coping with it for years. With my best friend, we have seen each other naked countless times and have slept in the same bed as well. We were never romantic with each other. We were just very comfortable being close and personal with each other.)

I’d like to point out also that Asmo isn’t even there for most of season 1 too. Which can give you the idea that maybe he just was out sleeping around a lot, but to me he probably just went out partying a lot. You don’t get known that fast for sleeping around. Maybe in 5,000 years, sure, but I’d imagine being a party boy, as his Devilgram “Guided by Desire” suggests.

So the idea that Asmo isn’t in the house a lot because he’s out having sex all the time isn’t true is it? He’s probably just out partying, which can LEAD to sex with someone sure, but again, Asmo doesn’t feel comfortable doing that, now does he?

I feel like of all the boys, Asmo is the one who radiates with everyone else the most. Most people will never realize how surreal it is that Asmo is faking it until he makes it. He doesn’t always think he’s beautiful, or that he’s worth all the love he’s striving and straining to get. Something that is extremely relatable for a lot of people with self-worth issues. Asmo is just like that, but instead being sarcastic and self-deprecating, he simply works to make himself look as beautiful as possible, so that in his eyes, his beauty matches the affection he gets.

Which is why, when he falls in love with you, it’s strange. You are constantly telling him he’s nice and pretty, but you aren’t lusting after him. You’re just being nice. It may just be me, but when people are overly nice just for the sake of being nice, I’m very attracted to that. That is Asmo, to some extent. The fact that he reflects the insecurities and habits of others so clearly may make others uncomfortable, but that brutal honesty veiled behind insecurity is what a lot of people with self-image issues deal with.

Now for me to share my favorite personal idea for Asmo that completely changed how I saw him in season 1 onwards; Asmodeus is an empath. Now let me explain:

First, what is an Empath?

The term empath comes from empathy, which is the ability to understand the experiences and feelings of others outside of your own perspective. Seems simple, right? Everyone can do this to some extent. However, what makes you an empath is the fact that empaths genuinely feel the same pain as you do. So much so your experience becomes a very personal part of their own. They are capable of being able to feel other people’s emotions without them speaking, or even showing signs of it through their body language.

This would explain, for me personally, why there’s so little of him in season 1. The intensity of what goes on in the house, his sensitive soft-spoken mannerisms, the only time he truly gets mad is when he’s childishly arguing with Mammon? Asmo is afraid of true conflict, he’s afraid of violence and negative emotions. Let’s face it; everyone is indifferent or hates you at the start of the game.

While this changes fairly quickly, all the intense feelings come to a head in chapter 16. All those negative emotions swirling around, of course Asmo isn’t going to want to be in the house when it’s that intense. The attic didn’t just disappear completely, too. Belphie was still in the attic hating humans. That negative emotion could be affecting Asmo and he didn’t know why, so he could have been out of the house more.

Where Asmo can feel the emotions of others, it may mostly be the negative ones because they fill him with anxiety and panic if it persists. Which can be helpful in making him so urgent to want to make others smile and feel better, right?

Imagine being intimate with Asmodeus, and suddenly you aren’t in the mood for it anymore but don’t want to make things awkward. He could pick up on it in an instant and wouldn’t get mad because he understands how you feel completely.

Now to close this out about something that genuinely hurts me; Asmodeus is a narcissist.

I mean, the wiki says that he is, but personally? No, no he isn’t. Since when is loving yourself a bad thing? Sure he may go a bit far sometimes, but people with self-image issues need to go a little harder than the rest to make sure they're getting the love they need.

(Talking about myself AGAIN, but I do this a lot. At random, I will look up in my own mirror in front of my desk that I sit in front of all day and tell myself I am a cute bitch. I am VERY VERY cute and anyone would be lucky to have someone as drop dead gorgeous as myself. I say that a few times a day. In reality, I am very insecure about my looks. I do believe I’m cute, but sometimes it’s hard to say it. Which is why I force myself. Why wouldn’t Asmo do the same?)

Talking yourself up to be as beautiful as a sex god is no easy task, but Asmo isn’t the Avatar of “Lust” for no reason. When an insecure girl talks up her beauty, it’s her being strong and independent. When Asmo does it, its narcissism… it doesn’t really seem fair, now does it? Maybe he’s just an insecure person who needs to tell himself ALL THE TIME that he’s beautiful. That if he stares at his reflection long enough, he may see it too.

(Also, Simeon literally calls him out on being insecure. Insecure people tend to try and overcompensate where they feel they’re lacking.)

”Asmodeus is hinted to be insecure and seeking for love and attention. When Simeon was asked about what he thought of Asmodeus, he says that Asmodeus is still trying to fulfill the role of the angel he used to be; an angel that was adored and loved by many. Asmodeus laughs at Simeon's remark and brushes it off by saying that he is only jealous.” - A section from said Asmodeus Wiki.

People can choose to love or hate Asmo, obviously. Making things up about his character without having anything but speculation and having that dictate how he acts is plain silly. This entire “essay” if you can call it that, comes from the heart. I love Asmo as a character, and in the beginning he did make me uncomfortable, I didn’t like him that much. But I learned to look past that and figure out why he acts the way he does. Something didn’t sit right with me about him for a while, and it was that air of insecurity that I didn’t see at first.

All I can really ask for, is giving Asmo another chance as a character. He’s not as wild and wacky as Mammon, or as cool and sexy as Lucifer, or as edgy and precious as Belphie, but he matters in this story too. He fell from grace with his brothers for Lilith. Give him another chance, and let him show you that he is the Avatar of Love.

[luna-rainbow]

TFATWS 1.06

I have so many issues with the entire script, but overall the final episode provided the neatness that the MCU world needed (yay, no more stray super soldiers!), while ignoring gaping plot-holes it dug for itself throughout the series.

Zemo: while I loved what Daniel Bruhl did with the character, the sheer amount of deus ex machina that occurred to include this character is phenomenal. Starting with Bucky making a completely uncharacteristic and self-destructive decision that out of all the contacts he knew from 70 years of working for Hydra, this Sokovian special op who tried to use him to kill half the Avengers was going to be the only expert on Hydra they have. Sam then makes an entirely uncharacteristic and bewildering decision to agree to take Zemo illegally. The entire world except Wakanda then makes the uncharacteristic decision to just ignore the fact a terrorist has broken out of jail, and in fact there is absolutely no consequence for Bucky. Ironically, the entire super soldier serum issue had nothing to do with Hydra, from its production, to its funding, to its theft or its users. Yes, Zemo was a great help in tricking the refugee kids in telling him information, but why couldn't this have been made to be a character moment for one of the two leads?

Karli: there are fantastic videos on YouTube explaining the deleted virus subplot that would have made the Flagsmashers and Karli so much more sympathetic. The idea of a plague background with a vaccine shortage, and people dying en masse because of inequity or obstructive governments would have given Karli powerful justifications for her increasingly radical actions. In a story like that, she would have died a martyr, but instead we're left with shredded hints of their motivations, a Mama Donya who we only meet in death, a meaningless chant that sounds creepily similar to the Chinese Communist Party's push for One Belt One Road, and no concrete plans or goals that suggest her fight would be worth it. Erin Kellyman did a beautiful job with this idealistic young woman driven to desperation, but the script failed her.

Walker: I like that they decided to make him do something good towards the end, but it also undermines what a redemption arc actually means. He gives up, momentarily, his pursuit of Karli in order to save the van, but has he really learned anything? Has he learned about his prejudices, his arrogance, his recklessness, or his anger issues? No. The blonde blue-eyed boy does one good deed and both Bucky and Sam welcome him into the team, which I thought was the whole point this series is trying to condemn.

Sam: I love what we saw of Sam in the last 2 episodes, but it should have been much more. His growth was all about agency: he took up the mantle on his own terms, in his own time; he tells Bucky to take control of his own identity, and in the end, he publicly calls out the Council for not giving agency to the people who need to be heard. What's frustrating and ironic is that in the first 4 episodes, Sam's role was passive. That's the other problem with including Zemo, because Zemo became the major driver of moving the plot along until they met Karli - in a series where both main characters needed more development. Apart from that one emotional scene of Sam cradling the shield, the script doesn't give him the backstory or the emotional range that Anthony Mackie deserves.

Bucky: I've already harped on about my views on how the series has insisted that Bucky makes amends. They've tried to force a redemption arc on him when what he needs is also agency. He repeatedly tells fellow super soldiers "believe me, don't go down that path" but the frustrating thing is, he never had the choice that they do, and this is never acknowledged by the script except in that 2 second exchange with Yori. His defining characteristic is Trauma, but nothing else is developed beyond that. What motivates him? What does he believe in? What does he fight for, when he's said he's tired of fighting? Even the trauma itself - why is there nothing else apart from guilt? Is there no anger towards his oppressors? No vengefulness? No grief about what he's lost? No fear about the pain he endured?

I've seen meta questioning Bucky's attachment to the Cap legacy, and I agree. Bucky followed Steve - in all 3 movies, he explicitly followed Steve and not the shield. As much as I love the proud, affectionate gaze he bestowed on Sam during Sam's speech, I almost wish we got a version of "I'm following the little guy from Brooklyn" here, rather than the "Nice job, Cap." It's Sam trying to give a voice to the ignored and oppressed that makes him someone Bucky wants to follow, particularly as this was personally identifiable for Bucky, who was kept voiceless for 70 years. I wish this was the point rather than Bucky's incoherent belief that the shield was "family" especially when Steve abandoned the shield every time he chose to help Bucky.

I have so much frustrations with the script because it could have been something more. Sam deserves something as emotionally poignant and universally relatable as Steve's backstory. Bucky deserved to be more than just a broken man defined solely by his trauma. The camaraderie developed so hastily in the last 2 episodes it felt more like watching Anthony and Sebastian than it did their respective characters. Maybe this will get better when I rewatch it in a few months, because watching things weekly definitely gives you time to pick at the little things. I wonder what would have been if Covid didn't happen and they didn't have to scramble the plot.

[yokelish]

Worth millions II

✏ Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs ✏ Characters: Chūya Nakahara, Dazai Osamu  ✏ Word count: 1,977 ✏ Warnings: Ansgstober in November. ✏ Part I.

Dazai abandoned him after promising he wouldn’t. “People change, Chūya.” What a devious bastard. This miserable vagabond is incapable of change. Nakahara wasn’t disappointed. Not that he had much strength to hold on to disappointment, only persistent resentment. That crafty bastard was twisted to his very core. Nothing changes, and nothing can touch him. Maybe that quality was fanning the embers of Chūya’s hatred: Dazai’s ability to escape any sort of retribution. Slippery like a snake, crafty, and absolutely unscrupulous. The moment you think the hand of fate is about to touch him, it’s absolutely nullified. Dazai didn’t lose any people to Q’s curse, while Nakahara had to count the body bags. Dazai was never stabbed in the back since he was doing the stabbing, always. He was the one making the deals and collecting dues. He never lost, even in silly arcade games. Always unaffected, always unhurt, always a perfect player. The taller they stand the harder they fall. Deep down Chūya knew it was no longer about what his ex-partner deserved. It wasn’t about rivalry or revenge. He rather sadistically wanted to witness there was something that could touch Dazai, something that could hurt. Something to prove the bandaged bastard was just a tiny bit capable of feeling pain. Pity Chūya couldn’t do it himself. It would bring him immense satisfaction. No money he wouldn’t pay to see an expression of hurt, of pain, on Dazai’s face. To behold such masterpiece. Unfortunately, he can never buy it. He cannnot bring it to life, can’t push for it. Perhaps, it was time to admit he couldn’t hurt Dazai the way he wanted him to hurt. That sort of anguish Nakahara could never inflict to begin with. To twist the sinews of that rotten heart only for it to begin to beat? To bear witness to that moment, to look him in the eye… That would be truly marvellous. Chūya would relish in that moment if only he could. But it wasn’t in his power.

If there was no enemy who could take on Dazai — if karmic retribution was just a fancy tale to soothe a grudging soul, — then there could be only way for Chūya to get what he wanted. He refused to believe Dazai could forever remain untouchable. It had to be just the right sort of…touch. “Plus, I don’t know how I would look them in the eye.” It was never an issue before. Dazai was a perfect machine, an Executive with mafia-black blood. Hesitation wasn’t a part of his nature. The Agency might be riding the high horse, but why would it stop someone like him? Lie, writhe your way out. Dazai detested Q and their ability, Chūya knew firsthand. He felt the same, especially after the massacre. So why did that bandaged wretch resist it? People might change, but people and humanity have nothing to do with Dazai. “A logical decision.” No, it couldn’t simply be that when it came to someone as crafty as Dazai. He held himself back and it had to be for some selfish, miserable reason.

The only person who was good at getting to Dazai was he himself. His own arrogance got him wrecked by that inhuman thing from the Guild. His taunting what got him punched in the face. The only person who could bring down Dazai would be Dazai himself. People might be capable of change. Dazai wasn’t. Something about tonight’s escapade made Chūya sure of that. The bastard said it himself, and his prediction do always come true. “But relationships are built on trust and honesty.” The things Dazai could never offer: trust, honesty, loyalty. And nothing has changed. The vagabond could never run away from his shady nature, he wouldn’t this time either. Shadows only grow longer at the end of the day. Someone would have to wipe that sickening smile off his face. And Chūya would do anything to see that. If he couldn’t do it himself, he would still gladly watch as Dazai becomes his own undoing. For that one single sweetest moment of Dazai’s self-realization and anguish of knowing he did it himself, Chūya would gladly give millions. And the thought of it alone brought a sweet, vanilla ice-cream taste to his mouth.

Dazai was returning to his laughably cheap Agency-issued apartment somewhere before dawn. Still snickering about what had happened with his ex-partner. But aside from humour, he also felt a long-forgotten satisfaction from taunting the small dog. A good book is always good, no matter how many times you read it. Something about taunting Chūya was of similar nature, never getting boring. The anger painting a face sharp and vivid, the resentment amplifying now estranged voice. Lovely and complete picture. Dazai walked up to the door of his apartment, humming a soft melody of amusement. Yet the best moment was hat rack’s horrible realization dawning slowly yet powerfully. Knowing that he was toyed with, read with ease like a children’s book. That expression took away some of the pain from the punch thrown. Dazai turned the doorknob. The metal felt cold against his skin. “You like them, don’t you?” He found the answer as he was phrasing the question. He knew his ex-partner all too well. Nakahara really did not have a good enough mask to hide behind. Nothing had changed there. Was it strange to know they happened to be drawn towards the same person? Hm, ‘drawn towards’ isn’t quite the expression Dazai would use in his case. He sighed as his amusement disappeared, gone without a trace or even an echo to follow it into the distance.

“Oh god, finally.” All too familiar voice inside his apartment. It echoed, filling him with dread. “I was worried.”

He entered without much noise, expecting nothing. Yet they were here, waiting patiently despite sounding exhausted. He didn’t expect to see anyone. He didn’t want to see anyone.

“Are you alright?” they asked, worried. “Let me turn on the—”

“Don’t,” Dazai interjected, making half a step towards them. But that was the end of it. Two silhouettes frozen in the splitting darkness of the room. The first light of the day beyond the horizon creeping inside.

“I have first aid kit with me,” they offered. Dazai could feel the shaking of disturbed silence like a slumbered beast prodded. And he couldn’t make himself move or say anything. He felt blank, optionless, knowing, perhaps, that any choice he’d make would be the wrong one. Of course, they entered his apartment. Amusingly good pick locker that one. What grated him is that he didn’t notice the disturbance or predicted this situation. And that, somehow, that felt like a betrayal.  

“You are both blessed and cursed that you can’t rely on Yosano’s help to fix you up,” they continued talking, moving towards him cautiously. “I hate to do it in this light, but…” The willed objected floated behind them suspended in the air, beckoned by their ability.

“I’m sorry,” they spoke quietly, cautiously. There was a light touch against his forehead, he used it as an excuse to turn away, create more distance. Looking askew, anywhere but at them. As the light of the day was slowly filing the room and creating long shadows. The silence between them was a tame beast, stirring but not waking.

They draw a long shaky breath as a telling sign of unease. “I shouldn’t have gone behind your back like that.”

Every possible choice he had was a wrong one, Dazai knew. What should he say in this situation? Claim that it didn’t bother him would only make them more suspicious of his truthfulness. A too easy forgiveness would seem dismissive. There was no umbrage to admit to either. But he doubted that would be taken at face value. Their sudden presence inside his apartment was a greater grievance, but he would only come across as ungrateful and reticent.

“I just thought,” they tried to continue, voicing failing and fading out. “I just thought I could get—”

“Information,” Dazai finished the sentence passively. It didn’t really bother him. There was no surprise to this, no disappointment, no resentment. He would have done the same. It was just… lacking. Perhaps, something in him knew that this would happen and soon. But he felt nothing, feels nothing regarding the matter as if it was something awfully routine.

“To know you,” they corrected him sternly. So sternly, in fact, it sounded comedic. He barely contained his laugh. But despite the steadiness of their voice, Dazai didn’t buy into that false confidence. He heard their breathing moments before, the hesitation, the care put into their words. It didn’t flatter him the least.

He sighed. What a kind yet empty attempt to appease on both sides. “To know about me. To know me, that’s—”

“I meant what I said. To know you.” Gentle hands dropped from his forehead and on their knees as if in defeat. “You left, Dazai. You left Port Mafia. People don’t just leave those sorts of places on a whim. Especially, someone like you… You were something there, Dazai. Someone.”

“I was just one of the Executives,” he brushed it off. As if that sort of chip on one’s shoulder could be so easily snubbed. “You want to know what I’ve done.”

Their uneasy laugh surprised Dazai. “No, I am not devoid of imagination,” they said with a touch of humour in their voice. It wasn’t funny, both knew. One hand was placed on his shoulder, the other gently wiped the wound on his forehead. There were many minor cuts and bruises, but they only touched those visible and easily accessible. Gentle, non-invasive, almost respectful.

“You can’t hold it against me,” they continued to talk never ceasing to take care of him. Dazai could hear the smile in their voice but couldn’t see it, wouldn’t dare. For such close proximity and physical contact, they had yet to meet eye to eye. “Wanting to know why you came there and why you left later. But I admit that I went about it the wrong way.”

They never asked him why he came to Port Mafia or why he left. And, truthfully, he couldn’t blame them for not asking. He wouldn’t be able to meet an expectations of a full and honest answer. Dazai didn’t have such answer himself yet, and what words he could offer would never touch another person’s heart. The answer he could give right now was anything but guileless or cordial. To meet expectations he’d have to look inside himself and he hated doing that. Wasn’t it enough that he did?

“No,” they answered. “You have to say something.”

What could he say? Every option would turn out to be wrong in the end. There was no desired way out of this situation. It could only be buried as an unspoken thing between them. Then it would sprout into something else — something dichotomous — and eventually grow bigger than them. What could he say to kill the seed before it sprouted? “You like them, don’t you? You like them.” As bitter as it was, Dazai had to admit one thing Chūya was better at was being simply human.

“I better go—”

“I accept your apology,” Dazai stated neutrally. He couldn’t take a moment longer to pitifully ponder his answer and try to predict less messy outcome. He knew that if he simply let them leave it would be the end of it. His own undoing delivered in a single precise blow.

“And I don’t blame you for wanting to know,” he placed his hand on top of theirs, taking it away from his forehead. For the first time their eyes meet. And he lost confidence in his plan. A simple lie to meet their expectations melted in his mouth leaving a sweet aftertaste.

[aikrus]

Far From Freezing

Fandom: Boku No Hero Academia, My Hero Academia Warnings: Fire, Cold Weather, Passing Out, Reference Nudity, Reference to Sex, fluff Words: 2k388 Requested By: Anon Summary: Winter’s here, not that this effects the doting girlfriend of the half hot half cold idol of class 1A

      The bus ride had always been Y/n’s least favorite part of any given day. Attending the most prestigious hero school was a dream come true- but it came with prices big and small. One of which was the half-hour commute from the L/n house to the building. Her parents were both long gone by five thirty in the morning- and, not wanting to wake up at dawn to be ready on time, Y/n settled for the six thirty bus ride to Musutafu. 

Had it just been the rocky streets which pestered her journey she’d be fine- cursed with headaches and vertigo, but fine. She could take the annoying passengers which surrounded her as well; they kept their distance, and headphones worked wonders nowadays. Y/n could suffer all of this- she could handle it all, except the cold. 

Born with a temperature dangerously below what the human body required, Y/n’s parents knew early on what quirk she would have. Absolute Zero- the ability to slow the kinetic energy of anything she touches. Having a naturally cold body temperature meant she was constantly in layers and searching for a heatsource in anything she touches. While it wasn’t a serious issue, it was a constant bother to the teen girl. 

So there she was, sitting alone in the back of a shaking bus, with a scowl on her face as the familiar ache in her fingers came back. Desperate for relief, Y/n ignored the self-inflicted pain and rubbed her covered hands together. This bus ride went on far too long.

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“Stupid bus, stupid cold weather, stupid freaking shoes,” soft muttering fell from Y/n’s lips as she swapped her winter boots- which excellently trapped the heat from the heating pads her socks concealed- to the thin indoor shoes the school mandated. She took two steps away from her locker before deciding the ache already taking over her heels was far from worth it, and she swapped back to her large and fuzzy winter boots; dress code be damned. 

Y/n couldn’t help but glare softly at the other students of class 2-A. While she loved each and every one of them dearly, seeing her best friends happily chatting away the warm air in their chests left her with undying envy. It didn’t help the cold that freezes over her heart come winter either. Her classmates, who she typically hangs off of and adores, had a tendency to ignore her come november. 

They meant no harm, and Y/n’s pretty sure they do is subconsciencly. She slows the air around her, causing the temperature to cool- whether her classmates noticed or not they steered away from her. In addition to that, Y/n had a very different atmosphere in general come the holidays. Blame the ache in her bones, her abandonment issues, her parents who were always too busy to celebrate festivities, blame anything you’d like- but the only thing Y/n enjoyed about winter was the beautiful moments of solitude.

While she was normally very outgoing and attentive to others, Y/n took the frozen season as a time for herself. She cherished the heavy blankets and knitted sweaters- fuzzy socks and fireplaces, watching television with a mug of hot chocolate, ten layers of wool and heating pads while music for only her played. Y/n loved the rare alone time the snowy season provided, but the biter-sweetness of it all never seemed to fade. 

Can you really blame her for the blood-freezing glare she sent the class representative? Don’t get her wrong, Y/n follows the rules and get’s some of the best grades in the class. She was a threat to whoever opposed her, but she was very stubborn. Perhaps that was the only feature she inherited from her spit fire of a mother. 

So there she was, perched at her desk, arms folded, ignoring one of her friends. Iida glared directly back, lecturing her on the importance of following the dress code and how it’s their not only for aesthetic purposes but for their own good. Once she realized he couldn’t understand why she was wrapped in five layers in the heated room, Y/n stood from her seat and walked over to him. Noticing the shivers that coursed through his spine as she approached, Iida took a half-step back from her. She confidently placed her hand on his blazar covered shoulders.

“This is what I feel like right now,” she spoke- her voice a whisper which replicates a howl in the wind. Iida- now much colder than he once wan- nods and lets her off with a warning before returning to his seat, discreetly starting his engines in order to heat up once again.

She wishes for many things- but above everything she wished her hero-phobic parents would have allowed her to stay at the dorms. Anything would have been better than this. The cold from the metal walls still nipped at her skin an hour later, and Y/n was ready to tap out and go to the nurses office so she could lie atop a furnace to heat up once again. 

Sadly, Mr. Aizawa refused to allow that. Quirk training had officially started, and he considered this endurance practice for the aspiring female hero. While the other students worked on pushing their quirks to the limits and beyond, she did the same. Stripping of her wool layers down to her uniform- taking of her shoes and socks. 

Her quirk worked through thermal equilibrium, her body needs to be colder than the object she touches to slow the atoms in it. While she could slow her body at will, she lacked the ability to speed it up again. This is a bridge she couldn’t cross any time soon. So, instead, she was told to focus on slowing her body as much as she can. While her body is meant to withstand cold temperatures, the coldest she has ever gotten was negative one hundred and sixty degrees degrees before falling asleep. While that was a remarkable feat, she was sure she could go lower.

That’s how she got into her current predicate. With Aizawa’s encouragent, Y/n breathed slowly and steadily, attempting to reach or break her current record. The time she had gotten that cold was under extreme stress- a fire had started in the daycare her little brother attended. She and the teacher were the only ones there who weren’t children- and they hadn’t been informed of the newest quirk-manifestation. This child was the first in the school to gain their non-mutan quirk, and it had been a complete surprise. 

The child was playing with her brother and didn’t want Y/n to take him away- thus he accidentally sent flames in her way. While he wasn’t very strong, Y/n’s little brother had been born with their mothers quirk- Enhancer. He naturally multiplied the quirks strength of whoever he touched. When he tried to move his friends hands away from his sister- he greatly increased the heat of the flames. Y/n was quick to respond and she was left unscaved- with only a minor fear of children from that day forward. 

Now, she was determined to gain that kind of control again. The air in the building began to drop and Y/n relaxed her body. Once it had dropped ten degreed in a matter of seconds eyes looked over at both Todoroki and Y/n. When Shoto shook his head, showing he had made no ice, all eyes fell on the so called ‘Winter Hero’, Frostbite- as the tabloids happily referred to her as. 

Aizawa kept a trained eye on her figure, noticing the increase paleness of her skin. While she was typically much paler than the average person due to her resting body temperature of 75 degrees, a noticeable blue undertone started to form. 

As the room became colder and colder, all practicing stopped. The students shivered in the freezing room, as their body heat no longer kept the temperatures up. The one a-little-warmer-than-comfortable 90 degree room fell to fifty degrees and showed no sign of stopping as the girl kept her focus. As she continued she opened her eyes, becoming aware of the silence now surrounding her. She had become much stronger than last year. She scored very well on all quirk testing, but she could only get her body temp to around negative ninety degrees. Now, with all her practice, she reached that in no time. 

As he watched his other students begin to shutter at the sudden cold and rub their hands together for warmth, he wonders if he should stop Y/n for the day. Still, he needed to know her limit. This is what the day was for, to determine who needed extra supervision and would need immediate assistance in case of a vilain attack. He’d just have to deal with the consequences of his decision after she was done.

Still, despite how rigid her posture, despite the blue hues taking over her skin, despite the ice which froze in the air around her, she kept going. Colder and colder until breathing became difficult for the other students. The ground turned to frost, and the students became slower and slower until they too were stuck in place. Standing next to the thermostat, Aizawa watched as it rapidly declined. Once her eyelashes had frozen together Y/n’s annoyance only fed her need to grow stronger. 

So wrapped up in her own world, she finally snapped out of her inner monologue long enough to realize a hand was on her shoulder. Aizawa could only touch her for a moment before hissing in pain and withdrawing it. Even through her blazer the cold attacked him, and the skin on his hand had ripped and cracked. He shook his head at his own stupidity. Still, Y/n stopped lowering her body temperature. 

“You beat your record by one hundred and ten degrees, you can stop now.” Y/n couldn’t understand what her teacher was saying, but she knew he was talking to her. Swaying in place, Y/n only recognized a sudden heat before passing out.

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Waking up in the infirmary was something Y/n had a love-hate relationship with. While she despised the idea of either losing control or being injured, the nurse always turned up the temperature unreasonably hot in her office whenever she was admitted. It always made Y/n feel a little special, knowing a faculty member would withstand an above one hundred degree room just for her comfort. It was nice. 

Still, the heat felt different than the other times she awoke in the medical bed. Shuffling closer to the warmth, Y/n finally opened her eyes to find a beautiful sight. Shoto was asleep next to her, wearing a baby blue turtleneck and looking angelic. It wasn’t rare for the two of them to cuddle with his fire side against her- he was well aware of the downside of Y/n’s quirk. He was a little cautious at first, but he soon linked her to the stray cats which followed him during winter. They would constantly sit against his leg once the cold air came back- finding comfort in something he was once scared of.

Now, he loved it. He adored that he could help his beautiful girlfriend. She had once told him that the only time she went extremely low in temperature she had entered a coma, and it took two weeks for the hospital to find someone with a fire quirk strong enough to comfort her. Now, he was there. 

Sure it was a little awkward, after all, she had been stripped by the nurse so he could send fire at his unconscious girlfriends body. It was more than a little questionable, and had not both parties and their parents consented to this being a solution (and this not being the only circumstances he’s seen Y/n naked in before), Shoto always felt guilty, like he was taking advantage of his sleeping girlfriend. While he never touched her, and her figure was obscured by the flames, he always covered his eyes. Yet, he still felt guilt chew away at him until she woke up. Until she reassured him she was fine with it, he felt like without her verbal consent he was destroying her trust in him- and it was an emotional wrecking ball every time. 

No matter how many time’s Y/n tried to help him understand her appreciation for him, Shoto always felt the desire to dote on her for at least a day afterwards. It was his own special was of saying “I’m sorry,” despite Y/n feeling like he was never in the wrong. 

Either way, Y/n wasn’t gong to complain- especially today. Watching him stir awake, Y/n moved slightly away- only for Shoto’s arm to wrap around her and pull Y/n back into his chest. 

“I’m sorry,” his lips rested against her hair while he spoke- eyes clenched tight as he tried to preserve the sweet atmosphere.

“Thank you,” Y/n responded, looking up to his face and kissing his noes. 

“I called your parents,” he explained, hugging her close and snaking his arms around her waist. 

“Yeah?” She smiled- already knowing how that conversation probably went. Her parents loved Shoto; the already treated him better than either of their biological children. They were hesitant at first, hateful on their worst days. While they generaly were distrustful of heros, the L/n’s were known to despise Endeavor.

That said, it took two visits to her house for Y/n’s parents to adore Shoto, their opinions of him completely switched when they learned of the mutual hatred the tree of them held towards his father. It was a cute family bonding moment, one Y/n can’t help but wish she caught on camera. Ever since then, Shoto was their favorite child. He was the one who they couldn’t say no to. 

“They said they’re okay with you spending the night in my dorm,”

“Of course they are,” Y/n linked her hands behind his neck and peppered kisses across his face, “they love you. If I get pregnant they know you’ll most likely propose, and that’s what they want more than anything else.”

He hummed in a light hearted response, nuzzling closer to her and kissing her quickly. “Are you still freezing, love?”

“Trust me,” she moved her lips against his again, losing herself in his heat in his scent, “I’m far from it.”

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I hope you all liked this! The first day of December is coming to an end- only 24 days left till Christmas!

Check out the December Requesting Event! Some Days are Still Open, so Don’t Miss Out! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

[frobin]

astolfobia

hat auf deinen Eintrag geantwortet

“I can totally understand the Jinbe/Robin ship, it does make sense. But...”

>> What... do you mean about not being sure if Zoro reacted correctly or not about Usopp?

Hey hey, 

okay this has nothing to do with FRobin and is more about Zoro, Usopp and the crew dynamics but since you asked I decided to answer. And I try to make myself clear because it’s probably VERY, VERY, VERY subjective and also comes from my female and very European point of view. 

I read the scene again (in german bc I don’t have the official translation at hand) but I also looked if kaizoku-ni-naru has it translated and here it is: https://kaizokuou-ni-naru.tumblr.com/post/190464807603/thank-you-so-much-for-your-wonderful-blog-im

Also many of it is from memory because of course I’m missing the volumes with the beginning of Water7 More behind the read more: 

Let’s do a little recap: 

Usopp left the crew. Why? Because to him it seemed like they were leaving Merry behind because the ship wasn’t strong enough anymore. 

That might seem weird since Merry is just a ship right? But we know that Merry had a soul, that manifested in the Klabauter. Merry was part of the crew but as soon as she was too weak (Usopp did not know that Merry was beyond repair), as soon as there was something better, Merry was replaced. 

That hit Usopp hard because Merry had not only been a present from his friend Kaya but this ship had been with them through so much and who knows how strong the bond between Usopp and the ship had really grown (he had been the one to see the Klabauter and the first to hear Merrys voice) so of course for him it felt like they were abandoning not only a ship, a thing, but a friend and even a crew mate.  Now, Usopp has a lot of problems. He feels weak, especially compared to Luffy, Sanji (who is also the cook) and Zoro who are The Monster Trio for a reason. Nami is a Navigator and so essential to the crew. Chopper is a doctor (also essential) and a literal monster! 

But all Usopp can do is shoot. He is probably going to be the best sharp-shooter in the world but he is not aware of that. Not back then and not now. Even after all the amazing things Usopp did in the recent arcs, he still considers himself weak. 

His self-worth is low and he loathes himself, probably feels like he is worth nothing. The only thing that he is good for is keeping Merry afloat, a memento to his island where he was important. Maybe the only thing that keeps him afloat too. 

So, the crew is willing to abandon Merry. Who tells that they won’t abandon him? Right after he lost a part of the money that was supposed to be used for Merry, right after he had to be saved by his crew, because he is weak!  

And you can bet that Usopp has abandonment issues too. After all, his father left to have adventures. Usopp lost his mother to sickness when he was still a small child. The village was annoyed by the child that ran every morning along the road to shout “Pirates are coming!”. Not as a threat but because he hoped that it would be true, that his dad would come back for him one day. Instead he grew up alone until he found some kids that thought he was cool enough to be their leader. He somehow managed to befriend the sick girl, and told her lies, like he did for his mother. And then Kaya was willing to renounce, to abandon him for Kuro.  

Merry is important and they want to leave Merry - him - behind.   

Usopp was afraid, got angry and he attacked Luffy. 

Was it smart? No. Was is it understandable? Yes. Could they have handled all that better? Fuck yes! 

But they are both teens who are stubborn and hot headed and in a tough and loaded situation. So I understand why it happened. 

And Usopp again is beaten, even with his smarts and his knowledge of Luffy’s weaknesses. He could not win. Because he is too weak. He lacks. He is not good enough. Luffy not only destroyed Usopp’s (already beaten) body, but also another part of his self worth. 

(I’m not crying you’re crying!) 

Then, we all know that Robin was caught,  while Usopp fixed himself up and then later met Franky. It was only then that Usopp learned that the ship was beyond repair but also learned that Merry had a Klabauter. And then more shit happened. What we also know is that Usopp had a very, very large role in the rescue of Robin and that he was one of the people who talked sense into her. Without him they wouldn’t have saved Robin and Luffy might have given up. He pep-talked him to continue fighting. 

(It’s still you who is crying! Shut up!) 

Anyway, let’s get to Zoro telling the rest of the crew that they can only accept Usopp back when he apologizes. Which, let’s be honest, makes sense.

Usopp should apologize. Because he was in the wrong. But his decisions came from a very specific place. 

So yeah, Zoro is right. But I get a bad feeling at the whole display of aggression and that Zoro expects Usopp to live up to his (Zoro’s) also very specific views and values of a warrior and the honor associated with it, without caring for Usopp’s. Again, a boy who grew up alone without any role model except that vague idea of an amazing pirate that was sailing the sea.

And the whole “Either it is like I say or I go!” stroke me as especially harsh.

Because I’ve been confronted with that sentiment so often, that I felt that deep in my bones. When I read it first, I didn’t even realise why that scene shook me. But it was that exact sentiment that poisoned my club and ultimately made me leave it, because I gave the ultimatum right back “You will go if things don’t go your way? Then go or I leave!” I’ve been part of that club since I had been seven years old. I left it with 25 because I had more balls than that fucking asshole and I’m still pissed about it, ten years later. And I’m very forgiving.

What Zoro said was that everyone has to know their place or they are no material to be a pirate (which is kind of weird since some people become pirates to be free, if you want to follow and know your place, maybe you should become a Marine). Ultimately you have to know whom to follow and that is - in this case - Luffy and no one else. You have to trust his judgement because he is the captain or else he is not much of a captain. 

And again this can make sense because if you don’t trust your captain or know your place on a ship it can be a death sentence at sea. 

Then there is this thing that this is ‘no playing pirate’. 

We still don’t know all of Luffy’s reasons why he wants to be pirate king but he often hints that he just wants to be free and have fun with his friends. That sounds a lot like ‘playing games’. At that point he only slowly learns that being a pirate is often way more serious and dangerous and filled with tough decisions than he thought. Playing games and have fun, that is why he was so delighted when he heard that Usopp wanted to come back. But playtime is over that is why he agreed with Zoro. Time to grow up they are at war after all.  

We know why Usopp left the crew, went against his captain and friend, because Usopp felt like they were abandoning ANOTHER FRIEND. 

But whatever reason there MIGHT BE does not matter for Zoro. He even says he does not know why all of it happened, does not care who was wrong or right.

I think that is a dangerous sentiment! Because personally, I feel like it’s important to try to see outside of your own perspective and I think you should never judge before you know all the facts. If you then still come to the same conclusion that is fine and if you come to another that is good too.That is what it means to make an informed decision, because the world is not black and white. Many things have reasons that are so layered that you can’t just expect everyone to come to the same conclusion when they don’t have the same information. That is why communication is important. 

Usopp waited for the very last moment to reach out to his friends. The longer he waited the longer he could imagine that everything would be fine in the end. He gave himself to that illusion. Zoro would have never done that and so no one else should do it. He is not exactly empathic. I feel like Zoro can’t look farther than his own ideas.

But I can agree with Zoro to some amount. I understand where he comes from.

Do I like it? Absolutely not. 

So, to slowly come to an end, we all know how this went. And I have to give it to Zoro, he also did say “I hear nothing” whenever Usopp tried to handle the situation like nothing had happened. He wanted him back too, after all.

And shit, it worked. Usopp cried out to his friends, he apologized and Luffy reached out to him to reel him in. 

But I can’t help but think that it absolutely destroyed Usopp after all. He saw his friends leaving him behind in a foreign city without any support. He just got a bounty and so would get in the focus of the marines, especially them thinking he is still part of the Strawhat crew. 

The crew, his friends, would leave him because he is weak and not worth anything and he would have no friends and be alone forever. 

I don’t even want to start to imagine the pure despair he felt that moment. And it stayed with him, as we learn in Thriller Bark. And again and again. 

So yeah. 

It worked in the end but I think it could have been handled better. 

Well, that is easy to say as a grown up with some more years under my belt and from an outside perspective. But even back when I first read it, it gave me a strange feeling. 

I think at least one of the crew should have talked to Usopp and given him some clues. And I’m sure Franky would have if he knew what was up but he hadn’t been part of the crew. Robin didn’t for whatever reason talk to Usopp, but she also never agreed with Zoro, looked almost angry about it. Nami also didn’t want to go against her captain, I guess. Sanji agreed with Zoro, maybe also with a bad feeling and Chopper is even less experienced than any other of them.

Oda is an amazing storyteller with a lot of characters that have an incredible amount of layers but that does not mean I agree with him all the time and so I don’t agree with his characters all the time.   

And that is what I meant. XD Sorry for the long text.

[catsitta]

Handle With Care - Post Mortem

When I first started writing Handle with Care, it was going to be 100 chapters long and there were a few key differences in the plot. These changes occurred generally slowly as I gained a better understanding of my world and characters, while some shifted dramatically due to my feeling they were thematically inappropriate for the story I wanted to tell. So with the conclusion of the main fic and its various continuations, I decided to detail a little more in how I approached a 100 word daily drabble fic, and why certain events occurred or why certain characters played certain roles. This post is mostly for the folks out there who like all the nitpicky background information that goes around in the author’s head while writing.

100 WORDS A DAY

In choosing to write 100 words a day, I gave myself both a goal and a challenge. 100 words is often little more than a paragraph. Maybe two. I often found myself writing on my commute into work or during lunch on my phone, because while 1000 might feel overwhelming, 100 is not. Right? Yet some days I found just enough time to type up 100 words between work and other commitments (October was interesting, since I did Inktober and well as Promptober, on top of my usual working schedule). But the most challenging part was not writing 100 words. Writing 100 words was easy. Writing ONLY 100 words was where things became tricky.

In my original intentions for this fic, scenes were not supposed to span over multiple chapters. Each drabble was to be a self contained snapshot of time. But as the story became more emotionally centered, I shifted away from that idea and focused more on making each drabble exist as a chapter. Chapters can have cliffhangers. But they need to communicate a thought. An idea. A feeling. With 100 words a day, my objective became: Progress the story in a meaningful way or communicate some important information to the audience. With 100 words, there was often little room for getting lost in details.

Now one my ask again, why 100?

100 is the number of words in the definition of a drabble. 100, again, is an easy minimum to reach. But when you are used to writing 2-3k word chapters, flexibility is minimal and you have to decide what needs to be said, and what you were saying to fill space. And I found it a wonderful learning experience and valuable exercise as a writer. I’ve attempted to start drabble fics in the past, but rarely did they ever get past a couple chapters before I would get frustrated by the limitations. Because let’s be honest. Writing a 25,000 word story, 100 words at a time, is a test of one’s patience as much as anything else.

THE STORY

Handle with Care was originally supposed to be pure romantic comedy with just a splash of darker undertones in the background for color. But as much as I love fluffy comedies, as I wrote, there were conflicts that I didn’t feel should be glossed over. As some of my long term readers and commenters will know, I’m terribly fond of bitter with my sweet. Angst with my fluff. The bad things in life make the good all the brighter. And conflict drives a story forward.

So what changed?

There were many different variations on how Sans ended up raising Papyrus alone. Some took our overbearing science dad, Gaster, and outright cast him in the role of a villain as opposed to a mid story antagonist. Straight into, why aren’t you in jail, territory. Others barely featured Gaster at all, as he was disconnected from Sans after his son didn’t end up pursuing a ‘productive’ career in the sciences. There were even a couple considered drafts where Papyrus and Edge did have another parent and the reason Sans was distrusting and cagey was because of a broken Soulbond. (And for those of you who were Web/Sans theorists, well, there was a version where you weren’t wrong! Sans started an affair off with Web after the LOADs began as a sort of ‘regain control of his life’ thing.)

What may interest folks is that the story was originally not supposed to end with a wedding and a house in the planning. The happy ending was going to be less sugar and more height of the moment drama. Around the time Frisk intimidates Red into silence, she was going to instead start him on the path to discovering answers. No confessions from Sans. No journals. Instead Red goes on the hunt for clues and gets fragments of the story from different people, especially Gaster and Frisk. It was all quite emotional, but the pacing felt off, and I felt it would be more rewarding if Sans grew as a character and he was the one to confess all his secrets.

Another altered thread was Red being only Web’s son. Early, early on, Red was the product of Web and some other monster. I even considered that monster having died in birth with Edge. But I scrapped that quickly, and decided that instead, Edge was Pap’s twin, and that the grim mood Web was in, was because of what he saw as well as what he remembered from past timelines. He almost watched his friend and coworker dust in his arms. Properly traumatic, eh?

There is a completely cut scene that I may write in the spin off that goes more into detail about Red’s similarities to Gaster, and Sans’ to Web, and how people often choose partners that are like their parental figures. You may ask. Wait. What do you mean? Well, Webdings didn’t smoke. He drank. Red, despite having dabbled with the stuff, is never shown to drink recreationally or get drunk in the fic, for more reasons than being underage to do so. However, it is very lightly implied that Sans’ coping method of choice is alcohol, though Red quickly quashes this habit after the drunkenness incident. Now, who else smokes? Gaster. Sans doesn’t like that Red smokes (for obvious reasons it reminds him of his father and Red does try to quit in the fic, though ends up falling back on it when stressed.) There are other similarities if you look close. It’s one of the reasons that Gaster and Red don’t get along. They’re both strong personalities, and can be pretty quick to pass judgement on someone.

THE CHARACTERS

As many folks picked up on, Handle with Care, has multiple meanings. It is a moving pun based on the CAUTION: FRAGILE | Handle with Care, labels on the sides of some boxes. It is also one of the main themes of the fic itself. Everyone in the story is a person with their own pasts and pains, which makes them fragile in different ways. And some of them even represent different types of relationships and people we encounter in our lives.

Red - Our protagonist. He’s a young man picking up the pieces of his life after his father’s apparent suicide, left to raise his baby brother when he was only sixteen. He’s the child of an alcoholic and forced to take on an adult role too young. As a result, he has a few unhealthy coping mechanisms, struggles with his temper and his sense of self worth. But he’s the one that got out. That put his life on the straight-and-narrow.

Sans - The love interest. Grew up young from the sheer expectations in his life. He was never without, but when the LOADs happened, he cracked under a lifetime’s worth of pressure. He broke down. Stopped trusting anyone, including himself. And very likely only kept himself from Falling because of Papyrus. Much of his struggles is based on the single mothers who would say that their child is what saved them or got them through those darkest time by just existing. He is also the individual who was groomed for success that ended up with absoluting no proper coping skills because of his rigid upbringing.

Papyrus - The optimist. He stays positive through everything. Everything and everyone can do better, and he sees the best in all situations. But he also has a responsible streak with an urge to organize everything (clean/cook/no desserts before dinner). His relationship with Sans could have very well ended up problematic, with Paps taking on a parental role for his parent early on in his life.

Edge - The pessimist. Edge is the other side of the coin from Papyrus. While his world view is often just as rigid, he is emotional. While it is implied he was always a fussy baby, he’s very sensitive to change, and shows that children are capable of picking up on things that the adults in their lives try to hide. His abandonment issues run deep, and will cause him to lash out until he is older and learns better self control and comes to terms with his father’s death. It is not uncommon for children of single parent homes to become resentful, if not at their present parent, but at the one that is gone. It is difficult for Edge to separate his father’s death, and Red’s fights with Sans, away from himself, and his self-centric view of the world.

Gaster - The (sympathetic?) antagonist. There are points where you love to hate him, and other times, you have to step back. He’s the authoritarian parent that dictated most of his child’s life up until that child literally vanished and became a hermit for a while. It isn’t through callousness or unkindness that he acts this way, but in what he believes is the opposite. He struggles with emotions, especially showing them, an example of how often older generations, especially males, often don’t/can’t/won’t show emotional vulnerability. He wants the best for Sans and those he cares about, even if he often fails to show it properly.

Web - The dead dad. Red’s relationship with Web is complicated. He remembers when Web was a brilliant man, even if not the most fatherly of fathers. But he also laid witness to his fall from grace as well, his drinking habit the most evident. His role is ambiguous much of the story, though he’s left behind hole. His death is the catalyst to a number of the story’s events, and Red’s struggle with him in death is to show the complicated feelings people may have when they lose a loved one who may have not been the best person. Sans’ relationship with him was more to highlight how far he’d actually fallen in the end from where he used to be.

Toriel - The mother. She is a maternal presence in many character’s lives. Her mothering is revealed to be related to her inability to conceive a child. Infertility is a common problem for women. She goes on to foster, babysit and even adopt after Asriel is born. She also an example of the powerful bonds we form with others and how sometimes families are found. Toriel was as much of a mother to Sans as she was Asriel.

The Fallen Humans - The catalyst. If Frisk didn’t exist, there wouldn’t be a story. After all, she was the child that climbed the mountain, starting the events of Undertale. Frisk and Chara both are implied to have troubled pasts, which lead them to being vulnerable to that idea of absolute power corrupts absolutely. The meddle. They are often selfish and don’t consider the consequences of their actions, and when they do, there is a sense of it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters when you can manipulate reality itself. But where Frisk possess a sense of guilt for what happened with Sans, Chara does not, and even outright tells Red that he is willing to do anything to accomplish his goals (even if that means hurting everyone else). Kris is a ‘dreamer’, and while he has more control over tweaking the events that play out, he is far less calloused by RESETS and LOADS. He just wants to be close to his brother Asriel, as well as help his ‘siblings’ find a sense of belonging.

Undyne - The Protagonist’s parallel. A child of divorce, which for monsters often leads to trauma and death, she is left to be raised by Gerson. She’s angry, resentful and prone to get in fights. Red often compares her to Edge, but can also empathise deeply with her troubles. At fourteen she is old enough to understand the reality of the situation, but also young enough to be deeply affected by the changes. Given the rarity of divorce, it is implied that her home life was unstable before the events of the story. Red tries to help her as he never got help himself.

Asriel - The miracle child. Mostly a background character. Asriel’s main connections are to Kris and the Dreemurs. He was the child that a couple struggling with fertility finally conceived. His being born, however, resulted Gaster creating Red for Webdings.

Asgore - The powerful person. Gaster and Toriel both have names that are impactful in the community, but Asgore is the founder of Dreemur Medical and Biotech. He was the King of Monsters. Despite his passive role, he influences many of the character’s choices and actions but simply EXISTING as a person of importance. Gaster tries to literally create viable monster cloning/fertility enhancement methods for him which lead to Sans and Red being born. His inviting Web to work with determination led to the creation of the Machine.

Gerson - The substitute parent. His main role in the story is as a family friend of Undyne’s and in the end, her new parental figure. She resents him and he takes care of her. He cannot replace what she’s lost, but he tries to provide her a future. A hard role to fill in a child’s life.

Grillby - The old friend. Grillby plays are far more subtle part. He’s survived a broken Soulbond, he’s friends with Sans, and through every up-and-down, he’s remained open to Sans when he comes back around. Sometimes as children we form friendships with adults that are just as strong as those we form with our peers. This is true for Sans.

There are a few more characters that show up mostly for color and world building but don’t play a significant part in pushing the themes of the story.

CONCLUSION

Would I do this again? Yes. I am planning on continuing the 100 word trend in the Pre-Sequel This Way Up. It may be truer to the spirit of drabbles since we will have a lot more ground to cover since it will be telling Sans’ history. We’ll get to learn more about Gaster, Webdings, the Dreemurs, Grillby and the Fallen Humans. And for those of you who want to know more about the HwC boys as they are? Moving Day will fill in the blanks. And I also promised a sequel. Bubblewrap Blues will take place significantly in the future and center around a certain aptly named skeleton and the edgy boy that likes to get coffee in his cafe.

I’m pleased with how the story turned out.

I never expected the reaction and the feedback. To those of you who commented and kudosed. Thank you. And to those who quite literally followed me from the start, reading and commenting near every day if not every day? You’re extra amazing. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[vermiculus-incipiens]

OOC INFORMATION:

What’s your name? Kay!

Preferred pronouns: she/her

Timezone: Arizona/MST/GMT -7

IC INFORMATION:

Character Name: Andromeda Eirene Black Tonks - She has always felt that her name was particularly fitting for herself. Andromeda, the chained maiden; she always felt trapped in her family, even if she couldn’t identify the feeling until she was older. Trapped by her family, by their reputation, by the weight of expectations. Eirene - meaning peace, a trait she has always attempted to embody. Even at home, as much as she tried to be unseen by the rest of her family, she equally tried to bring peace when there was conflict. She has left behind her maiden name, choosing to shed her Black identity as easily as she shed the expensive gowns that she left behind. Instead, she revels in being Andromeda Tonks. Ted has and always will embody all the good that she sees in the world and she wants nothing more than to attempt to imitate him to the best of her ability.

What’s a hobby or pastime that your character enjoys? Andie began learning to cook after she married Ted; before, she never needed to cook. So with Ted, she learned to cook the Muggle way and discovered that she loves working with her hands in that way. She cooks herself as much as possible, and loves any type of cooking. Her favorite thing is to bake cookies with Dora but whenever she’s worried, she’ll disappear into the kitchen to cook and alleviate her stress that way. (A controlled outcome, something she can predict and determine, is very important to Andie. Relinquishing control is very hard for her, and there is very little that she can control anymore.)

Do you have any preferred ships or anti-ships? I am and always will be a Tedromeda shipper. I think they have the most beautiful love story and I always have enjoyed the chance to write it. The changes she goes through in order to be with him are so fascinating and compelling to me. (Sorry, this has deviated a little from the actual question but long story short: there is no other ship that I can see for Andromeda.)

What do you think your character’s Boggart would be? If their greatest fear isn’t something that could easily take a solid form, what is it? Why? Andie is most afraid of her sister Bellatrix. She doesn’t want to see her other family members (well … Narcissa, maybe, because the only guilt Andie has ever held for her choice to be with Ted is the fact that she had to abandon her younger sister to be happy) but there’s far more fear of her older sister than anyone else. She has no doubt that Bellatrix could and would hurt her if given the chance, and Andie will do everything in her power to protect herself - and more importantly, her new family. So her boggart takes the form of her oldest sister, attacking Andie’s family.

What’s your character’s biggest pet peeve? Sloppiness - whether that’s the form of an actually dirty house or room, or just someone looking ill-kempt or slovenly. It is not unusual for her to be found moving around the room when there’s an Order meeting at the Tonks home, tidying up after their guests even while they are in the middle of the meeting. She doesn’t go so far as to make them remove their shoes (although it’s thought that has been given a lot of consideration) but she’ll pick up glasses and set coasters under them, or run a rag over a sticky spot on the table during the meeting (not even a glare from Moody himself is enough to stop her; he’s not that intimidating, not compared to Cygnus or Bellatrix Black. She will stop at a look or comment from Dumbledore, of course).

What would you consider to be an eccentricity of your character? Andie is very particular about the aspects of Muggle culture that she takes into her life. For example: cleaning and cooking the Muggle way is acceptable and enjoyable; Muggle travel is totally out of the question, except when it’s absolutely necessary. She finds Muggle money absurd, and has little wish to be in Muggle cities, but she loves Muggle fashion and prefers it to anything she wore as a Black. The wireless is fascinating, and the cinema (she loves watching films), and the television, but she doesn’t like or understand the need for a telephone. And don’t get her started on pens or pencils; quills are highly preferable and she consistently refuses to use any of Ted’s writing utensils except in extreme circumstances.

What is/was your character’s favorite subject in school? Why? Andromeda always liked potions. It was a controlled form of magic, something where she could predict the outcome. Follow the steps, make the potion. She also got along fairly well with Slughorn and enjoyed that aspect; not all the professors were as easy to befriend and while she never disliked a class because of a professor, liking her professor helped a lot.

What time of day is your character’s favorite? What time of year? The best time of day, in Andie’s opinion, can be divided into two specific moments of the day. First, the very early morning when she and Ted are up together, making breakfast or just sitting and enjoying their tea, before Dora joins them. It’s important to Andie that she and Ted have moments to themselves, to remember their relationship apart from their daughter. But she also loves the early evenings, when she comes home with Dora and together they start making dinner. She loves to hear everything Dora has to say about her day and what she’s done. Her favorite time of year is summer, when she and Ted and Dora have longer hours to do things in the evenings after dinner. She doesn’t particularly like being bundled up for the cold and revels in the chance to wear shorts or dresses without added layers.

What’s your character’s Patronus? If they can’t conjure one, what would it be if they could? Why? Andie’s Patronus takes the form of a tiger. She conjures it with the memory of the first time Ted told her that he loved her. (The tiger symbolizes an independent person who doesn’t like to show weakness to others and is a bit cynical due to their past, all of which Andie embodies. Information found here.)

What is your character’s biggest vice (bad habit or immoral craving)? Andie is arrogant. It’s a bad habit, and one she has tried to break, and also one that only affects certain things (for example, she doesn’t view any group of people as better than others; she isn’t the sort to think she’s better than Muggleborns, for example) but it’s certainly there. She grew up being told that her family was the best and that’s a hard lesson to shake off, no matter how false she knew it to be. So even though she knows she isn’t better than anyone else, she’s still shaking off that arrogance that seems to be born into the Blacks.

Is your character an introvert or extrovert? How well do they handle social situations? Andie is an introvert. She prefers to be at home with her family rather than out with other people. She learned how to handle herself in social settings though - she didn’t like all the attempts to teach her how to be a pureblood lady, but she learned them very well. Now, it’s extremely rare for her to let on how badly she wants to be alone when she’s surrounded by people. If they’re at her house, she wants them to leave, and if she’s out, she wants to go home. She can circulate and make small talk with the best of people though, so no one would know her inner turmoil.

What is your character’s diet like? What’s his or her favorite food? Andie has worked very hard to learn how cook healthy meals for her family (and encourage Dora to eat and enjoy them, although she settles for just seeing Dora eat the food at this stage in life). Their meals are almost always homemade, as Andie turns her nose up at most restaurant meals (with the exception of a few places, or the times Ted really works to sweet-talk her into a family night out.). Meals are also quite varied, as she likes a challenge in the kitchen and is always looking for something that her daughter will enjoy. She’s never really sat to think about her favorite foods though. However, Andie loves popcorn and often pops some for her and Dora and Ted to enjoy after dinner.

How do you think your character’s psychological issues have manifested and changed your character up to this point? Andie is becoming more and more brittle as the war progresses. She is, at heart, a soft person, the kind with seemingly endless optimism and hope for the future, who can forgive and love and welcome people into her life with open arms. However, much of that was ruthlessly squelched under her family’s influence, and now is fading even more as the war progresses. Andie values her poise above almost everything else; she sees a lot of self-worth in how well she can handle a crisis without falling to pieces and the thought of actually cracking under the pressure she feels is unbearable. Where she was once more cheerful and hopeful, she has become more fearful and pessimistic. She hides it as much as she can, and her spectacular poise means it’s hard to see past the polite expressions to the true turmoil underneath. Perhaps the hardest part is the distance she feels from Ted now; at Hogwarts, she felt like they were inseparable, that nothing could ever come between them, that she could go to him with anything and that he felt the same way. But she’s seen his struggles and though she’s waited for him to come to her, he withdraws instead. Andie has never handled rejection very well, and seeing his withdrawal only makes her withdraw as well. She wants to turn to him and be supported and offer support, but she doesn’t know anymore how to bring it up. It’s starting to wear on her, and Dora is starting to realize something is different at home. She’s empathetic but it means that she has taken a very heavy burden during the war (one of the reasons she couldn’t work at St. Mungo’s was because the weight of working with all those people would be too much for her; it’s easier to work privately, offering aid as she can to a select group of people).

Give us a headcanon for your character. Anything is acceptable. Andie is a clean freak. She has always kept her things tidy, and when she left her family and joined Ted, she learned that cleaning the Muggle way (much like cooking the Muggle way) is very rewarding. She has a strict schedule for cleaning their house (it isn’t very big, but Dora generates a lot of chaos and mess) and rarely deviates from the schedule. When she’s especially stressed, she can often be found scrubbing the baseboards or beating a rug, something that requires more exertion from her. It is not unusual these days for her to wake in the middle of the night and turn to cleaning when she can’t fall back asleep.

[elysiumwaits]

sterek - 6, 14, 24, 26

Yaaaay! Thanks for your ask! This looked super fun, I’m happy to be able to answer some! Here are some long answers, because I did this while waiting for my sleeping meds to kick in and I am naturally long-winded. These answers are specifically for canon-ish Sterek - I’m only mentioning that because AUs can change characterization just enough, and I don’t want to like confuse anyone.

6. What is/are their love language(s)?

Derek’s primary love language would be Acts of Service, I think - it falls in line with not necessarily something like doing the dishes every night, but more like Stiles and his dad are both sick and have been for like a week and a half, the neighbors are bitching about the height of the grass because it’s the middle of summer and they didn’t get to mow it like they planned, so Stiles wakes up from a nap one day to find out that Derek’s managed to get in using his key, like a person, grab the mower out of the shed, and is mowing their lawn - shirtless, to the delight of the bridge club next door. Stiles never asked, because Stiles doesn’t have to ask. Hell, Derek’s been there every day this whole ordeal to make sure Stiles and his dad both eat something that isn’t just a bottle of water and a slice of bread, and that they’re actually taking the medicine.

His secondary love language, though, would be Physical Touch, I think. However, in my personal headcanon, it’s a love language that he actively ignores for a long time, wrapped up in unpleasant feelings and self-worth, keeping himself at a distance from other people so that they can’t hurt him, but also so that he can’t hurt them. Stiles layers it on, though, once he figures it out, even before they’re together. He starts slow, and pretty soon Derek is the one initiating it, because he trusts Stiles, has for a long time, so he can finally express that again.

Stiles, meanwhile, has a primary love language of Words of Affirmation. He talks, after all, it’s his thing. He’s not shy about telling the people that matter to him that they matter to him. He can hide it, if he wants to, but it almost kind of physically hurts, and at first, Derek has no idea what do with the compliments and encouragement. Then, a little farther down the line than Derek wants to admit, Derek realizes that Stiles also needs to hear those same things. So they don’t compromise, exactly, because Stiles knows that Derek’s not about to write him a 14-line Shakespearean sonnet, but Stiles also knows that Derek means every single word that he says to Stiles these days. So an “I love you” or a “you make me feel safe” goes a hell of a long way.

Stiles secondary love language is quality time - which is actually probably one of Derek’s higher extra languages. However, Stiles is pretty used to being rejected for quality time, thanks to a long list of people who have found something better to do, so it’s a need that goes pretty unmet right up until he starts this thing with Derek. Because Derek never outright cancels a date unless he absolutely has to, he always makes another one with a specific date and time in mind. Derek does what he says he’s going to do. Derek gives Stiles his undivided attention at meals, does the whole ‘pillow talk’ thing with Stiles before they fall asleep. 

14. What would be a dealbreaker?

For Stiles, I think it would be any kind of infidelity - he’s an all or nothing kind of guy, after all. I also think he wouldn’t put up with any kind of abuse, at least not for a very long time. Not that Derek would do either of those things, but those would be big ones for Stiles, I think.

Derek’s would be a little more complicated. Definitely if Stiles were to do anything sexually without taking Derek’s consent into consideration. But I also think that, while it might not be a dealbreaker for Stiles, Derek losing control due to like magic or moon or whatever and attacking Stiles would actually be a dealbreaker for Derek - in that, he would leave, and Stiles would hopefully be able to talk him into coming back. (Because Stiles would absolutely be like “that wasn’t you! We know how to stop it next time! You didn’t even recognize me!”)

24. What is something they have each had to forgive the other for?

I honestly think it would take Derek a little bit to truly get over Stiles looking for his sister’s body and then accusing him of murder thing (but iirc it was actually Scott? Could be wrong. Guilt by association.) He doesn’t really get over it, just kind of lets it go. Stiles never forgets either, though, and eventually apologizes when he kind of works up the courage. After that, Derek can really let it go.

If we’re talking canon, I think Stiles would need to work through Derek leaving. He’s got abandonment issues, and Derek just going after everything doesn’t help at all. I don’t think they ever really talk about it - Derek needed to go just as much as Stiles needed him to stay - but it takes a little bit of Derek staying for Stiles to realize that Derek isn’t going to go again. And then he forgives him.

26. What are their favorite parts about physical affection/sex?

Derek loves everything about it - with Stiles. But his favorite part is that he can trust Stiles, can close his eyes and feel and know that Stiles has got him, won’t ever do anything to hurt him. So it’s not necessarily the physicality, but more the true intimacy Derek is finally allowed to experience.

Stiles, meanwhile, has no clue what to do with the fact that Derek genuinely wants him. Physically. Holding hands is one thing, but Stiles has kindly been informed time and time again that he doesn’t exactly look like anything special - high school is hell - so it gives him a genuine bewildered thrill when Derek just... thirsts. Like Stiles will crack some joke like “You can do that, babe, I’ll just stand here and be sexy,” and Derek will look him dead in the eye and be like “You were already doing that and it’s distracting, come help me with the dishwasher.” And Stiles loves it because Derek means it.

[ariesslanderwelcome]

Lilith in the houses

Lilith in the 1st House

With Lilith in the 1st house, a person will be an (often unwitting) symbol of Lilith’s experiences and issues. Lilith will inform the body and personality in very direct ways. Often, we gain awareness of planets in the first house by others’ reactions to us. In the case of Lilith, this can be what seems a constant stream of rejection for just being who we are, abuse as an attempt to control the native, some form of beating into submission, and a sense of not fitting in anywhere with any group of people. Though this is a general theme of Lilith, her placement in this house makes that theme much more personal and part of an individual’s daily life than it would be in any other house. People with Lilith here need to learn to stand up for the self and believe in their rights to be autonomous, indepedent, and self-interested. Others will begin to respect this if they accept themselves as Lilith and love themselves for it.

Lilith in the 2nd House

With Lilith in the 2nd house, the natural inclination to gather skills, develop consistency and stability to ensure survival, and live in ways that reflect one’s positive feelings of self-worth are wrapped up in Lilith’s issues, including rejection for one’s natural expression of what is important and being nothing more than who one is. In general, allowing betrayal from others to condition us to betray ourselves is a maladaptation to life (i.e., “It’s clear they don’t accept me, so why should I accept myself?”). Yet in the house of self-worth, the rejection of one’s value system by, and the withholding of approval from others of what one finds important can lead to terrible and destructive patterns of self-abuse that can, in fact, threaten survival. With Lilith in this house, it’s critical that a person learn to take back the power from others regarding the judging of what he or she is worth. This is done through self-acceptance and compassion for self and other.

Lilith in the 3rd House

With Lilith in the 3rd house, our sense of curiosity about the world and capacity for the sense of wonder at what we find all around us, or might find, is tied up in Lilith’s issues. With this placement here, if we’re hiding our Lilith, there can be a sense of jadedness that the world does not have amazing things to offer us in varied splendor, and perhaps that it only offers the harsh judgment or abuse of others. The curious, open, and wonder-infused 3rd house nature of a person is what others have reacted against and used to punish the person with Lilith here. These people need to allow others their discomfort while the natives explore the world around them and ask and learn what they need to ask and learn.

Lilith in the 4th House

With Lilith in the 4th house, the family and heritage we come from centered on some or all of Lilith’s themes in one way or another. It could be that a particular family member ends up representing Lilith for the entire family, or that the family as a group experiences Lilith in a direct way. Or it could be that many members live Lilith stories from one side or the other – shunning or suppression or wildness and punishment for it. Now, this might sound like many people’s families, but there’s an edge with Lilith: the stakes of either forceful authentic self-expression in the family or at home (or leaving it behind to create a new life elsewhere to maintain wholeness), or those of suppressing the expression of self and other, are high. In other words, there is a great investment in such families either of trying to be Lilith or trying to suppress her, or both, possibly resulting in generations of what may seem on the outside of it to be a war between the sexes or other sort of power struggle between one faction and another (old and young, foreign and domestic, etc.). People with this placement need to accept these realities and learn to manage their own emotional landscapes with consciousness, compassion, and intention.

Lilith in the 5th House

Those of us with Lilith in the 5th need to create and express in authentic and unabashed ways. The connectedness that Lilith retains (or seeks, if we’re unaware of or hiding her) is in unfettered expression of her wild nature. Which she would say, of course, is simply her nature. Everything that contributes to or might result in creative expression can be avoided for fear of experiencing pain. A person with Lilith in this house might have been shamed in youth because of how he or she played. Before such a child’s behavior is edited into conformity, his or her natural expression of creativity will be colored by Lilith’s themes. The games of such children may involve one or more of Lilith’s heavy themes, any of which will be difficult for most parents to understand as natural expressions from their children, let alone accept: betrayal, abandonment, rejection, or sexual power games including rape. And they’ll play on either side of these issues – receiving or giving, as victim or persecutor.

Lilith in the 6th House

With Lilith in the 6th house, a person’s natural sense of duty and how he or she goes about getting things done is what is judged by others as potentially dangerous. People who might be in a position to mentor or train the person as an apprentice may sense something unruly and threatening about him or her and not be willing to take the person on as a student. It also indicates that this person’s natural mentors are connected with Lilith; understand and express their own version of Lilith’s energy. Finding such people will be difficult if Lilith is hiding in the person, and if she is not, finding them will involve first crossing many potential teachers off the list who reject the individual’s forthright expression of his or her reality.

Lilith in the 7th House

With Lilith in the 7th, we can look for Lilith in other people so that we don’t have to express her (the 7th holds energies we’re not necessarily sure how to relate to in ourselves and so we seek others to embody them). Whatever is in the 7th house, we need to learn to run the energy for ourselves. When we keep others around us to do it for us, we make the statement that we’re not whole. With Lilith here a person needs to take responsibility for being Lilith, and take care not to keep a door open for others’ understandings of and reactions to Lilith to come in.

Lilith in the 8th House

Lilith in the 8th house means that the instinctive, irrational, and primal side of a person is most comfortable in arenas of life where trust and intimacy are of paramount importance – this is her natural home in the person’s psyche and, therefore, outer life. This includes sexuality shared with other people, but also any relationships that require absolute honesty and have something to do with power, hence the traditional assignation to this house of “sex, death, and other people’s money.”

Lilith in the 9th House

With Lilith in the 9th house, this relationship with living a life based in having a guiding principle is what has been judged by others, and for what a person has received censure and punishment. All of the arenas of life described by the 9th house involve a sense of acting on belief and hope, understanding that such action is a risk. This risk is that the beliefs might be misguided or based in inappropriate assumptions. So, then, those with this placement may avoid risking living according to his or her beliefs to avoid negative reactions from others for bringing, or being, Lilith.

Lilith in the 10th House

With Lilith in the 10th house, a person can become a symbol of Lilith’s irrational instinct and primal wisdom to other people. His or her public self carries the energy of Lilith, and others will want to apply the prevailing labels for Lilith to this person, no matter how he or she behaves. If, after enough of this sort of treatment, Lilith in the person is hiding, developing a healthy and mature public role will be suppressed by this person. This is the house of being out in the world and of participating in the economy, leading the person with this placement to experience difficulty at work and just being out in public, for having this label applied.

Lilith in the 11th House

With Lilith in the 11th house, our prerational, instinctive, and wild self is most evident in the kind of future we envision, how we plan for it, and those we ally with to assist us in creating it. This can lead us to experiences of finding ourselves labeled as Lilith in every group we join, but this is an unconscious manifestation of Lilith’s placement here. We may have experienced being rejected from many groups for expressing our views, and we may have been feared as dangerous influences by organized others we attempt to befriend or with whom we attempt to become involved.

Lilith in the 12th House

With Lilith in the 12th house, a person will experience being Lilith in all contexts related to the way he or she connects with other and greater realms. To the degree that someone with this placement has internalized others’ fears about the wild as a negative statement of his or her worth and lovability, 12th house activities will be limited, avoided or denied. With Lilith here, entering into the meditative, creative or spiritual sides of this house means in some way being Lilith. Most of us choose not to experience the collective’s negativity about Lilith and will therefore avoid being her at almost all costs. Yet she is real, a part of each of us, there are times when she is activated.

[mayflyinspace]

Character Analysis: Asuka Langley Sohryu

disclaimer: I stole this so i could put a read more, the original borrowed post is from ariesgender

this was originally written by @ritsumaya​  in 2014 but most of the post was lost due to them deleting. @ritsumaya2 is an archive of some of their posts

Buckle up. It’s time to go on a massive analysis of Asuka Langley Sohryuu, or How Most of the Casual Fandom Gets Her Wrong.

Featuring!

The importance of pilothood to Asuka.

Her relationships with Kaji, Shinji, and Rei.

The meaning of the “Hell Kitchen” scene in End of Evangelion.

An explanation of histrionic personality disorder.

And so much more!

Warnings for suicide, gore, choking, mentions / allegories of rape and pregnancy, discussions of mental illness, thanatophobia, menstruation, nudity, basically any trigger warnings for Evangelion etc. etc.

It’s also very long, clocking in at twelve thousand four hundred forty-seven words. If I miss anything, let me know.

I’m limiting the discussion to Sohryu, from the anime series, rather than Shikinami, from the film series, because Shikinami is a wholly separate character that bears only a physical and superficial personality resemblance to Sohryu.

Okay, so lets get goin’!

As part of the Contact Experiments, Asuka’s mother, Kyouko Zeppelin Sohryu, was stripped of part of her soul, specifically of the “motherly” part. Rather than the tragedy of Yui’s full absorption into the EVA, NERV believed that they could activate the EVA whilst still keeping the mother alive. They didn’t intend to be complete monsters, you know.

Other than Rei and Shinji, explicitly selected from the beginning, Asuka was the first non-Gendo-essential pilot to be chosen out of the candidate pool. Note that none of the students at Shinji’s school has a mother, as Kensuke points out in the fourth episode because NERV has harvested their mothers’ souls in case a pilot is required. She clearly had talent and she intended to use it.

(By the way, the facts that Unit 00 and Unit 02 are Adam-based and do not possess full souls explain the rapid increase in Shinji’s synchronization scores. Asuka is indeed the best pilot; what occurred prior to the actual sync in End of Evangelion was mostly out of her hands.)

Unfortunately, the removal of part of her soul drove Kyouko insane. She began to talk to a small doll and take care of the doll in place of Asuka. In the meantime, Asuka’s father began an affair with Kyouko’s doctor, whom he would later marry.

By the time Asuka becomes the Second Child, she is absolutely desperate for her mother’s affection. She’s willing to break down rules and dismantle the world if it means that her mother will look at her. Just once. Just one look at her.

Her mother, having gone insane without the possession of the entirety of her soul, goes, well, insane. This has a horrific effect on young Asuka. Firstly, Asuka despises dolls. Secondly, and more importantly, Asuka has a desperate desire for attention, a desperate need for isolation, and a desperate ambition to prove herself independent. She doesn’t want to depend upon anyone ever again. She doesn’t intend to ever be put in the position of killing herself for anyone, ever again.

Quick recap: because her mother paid attention to a doll instead of her, Asuka became simultaneously starved for attention but also terrified of becoming dependent upon anyone. As a result, Asuka focuses her efforts on becoming akin to an adult.

But, because society is fucked up, Asuka interprets growing up (for a woman) as being recognized as an adult by others. She also internalizes this by staking all of her worth upon her skills at piloting the EVA. In fact, the neural interface that links up the pilot to the EVA is a part of her typical design, to the point where, during Asuka’s version of the “step out naked from the shower” scene, she apparently showers with them on. Neither Shinji nor Rei, nor the other two pilots seen briefly in the anime, do the same. Only Asuka. While Shinji and Rei also stake their worth on piloting EVA, they do not do so at the visual intensity that Asuka does.

Now, I want to get a common misconception out of the way. Contrary to how quite a few fans would “diagnose” her, Asuka is not narcissistic. A little bit of the opposite, in fact: Asuka suffers from histrionic personality disorder, which can better be likened to dependent personality disorder in terms of root cause. Kaji’s another example of someone who has a histrionic personality; however, he is functional: While his personality contains histrionic elements, he does not have histrionic personality disorder like Asuka does.

Let’s take a quick look at the symptoms and behaviors associated with HPD. For this, I’m going to use Wikipedia, because we only need a basic overview (since we’re not actually diagnosing so much as comparing a fictional character’s personality):

Provocative (or seductive) behavior

Relationships are considered more intimate than they actually are

Attention-seeking

Influenced easily

Speech (style) wants to impress; lacks detail

Emotional liability; shallowness

Make-up; physical appearance is used to draw attention to self

Exaggerated emotions; theatrical

Using the mnemonic device PRAISE ME, we can examine some of the common elements of HPD. To generalize and paraphrase, whereas someone suffering from narcissistic personality disorder would actually believe themself to be better than anyone else, someone with histrionic personality disorder would only present themself as better than anyone else, while actually, internally, hating themself and so on and so forth.

Asuka very visibly refers to herself as the best pilot and takes sincere pride in that distinction. Likewise, she takes pride in the distinction of herself as the most popular girl in school, as when she notably calls herself that while speaking to Shinji. Yet, as we all know, Asuka in reality hates herself, which she repeats over and over again, especially over the later arcs of the series. But before we start a case by case analysis of HPD, let’s go back to her backstory.

Even before Kyouko actually performed the contact experiments, she did not pay much attention to her child, in the same manner of Ritsuko’s mother or Misato’s father, raising a child starved for attention.

Kyouko was driven insane by only having part of her soul within her, and Asuka’s father left to have an affair and marry the doctor. While Asuka appears very vicious and angry as she watches her mother coddle the young doll, she nonetheless is happy to see her mother and continuously attempts to perform to capture her mother’s attention.

Subsequently, Asuka became a pilot, and she informed her mother. However, her mother decided to commit suicide. In those final, chilling moments, we see the mother asking for Asuka (the doll) to commit suicide with her. Asuka’s response is forever etched into the memory of anyone who watches the scene:

She agrees to commit suicide along with her mother as long as her mother does not abandon her. While Asuka does not actually end up committing suicide, the experience shocks her to the core (pun not intended): She was perfectly and completely willing to die for the sake of someone else. At the funeral, Asuka tells herself that she will now become an adult so that she never has to depend upon anyone, ever again. Of course, being neglected as a child is one of the theorized causes of HPD. In order to compensate for the attention that she never received as a child, Asuka says that she’s going to be become an independent adult, and yet she decides to become an adult via external validation (a major theme of EVA, that: external validation will never actually assist you in attaining your own happiness; validation and love must be built internally up, in the entire idea of “How can you love others if you never even learned to love yourself?” and so on, but that’s another post for another time).

There’s a two-fold issue with her reasoning: first, she considers adulthood as sexual maturity. Herein lies a major crux of the issue, especially with regards to her relationships to Kaji and Shinji. Asuka can’t wait to grow up. In her impatience she intends to validate her attainment of adulthood via the validation of men around her, because such is what society taught her, and such is what her experiences with her father abandoning her mother and remarrying taught her (I would argue for a closeted lesbian Asuka myself).

Prior to arriving in Japan, Asuka and Kaji have an extremely telling exchange on the boat. Chronologically, this takes place just before episode eight. We begin with Asuka talking about Misato, saying that Asuka didn’t like Misato very much (this will be important for later, concerning Asuka’s relationship with Misato and her own relationship with herself). Kaji informs Asuka that she’ll probably make lots of new boyfriends in Japan and that the Third Child (e.g. Shinji) is a boy. Now, here’s the interesting part about that implication: Asuka has had boyfriends in Germany. And many of them, according to Kaji, as Asuka goes from boyfriend to boyfriend seeking validation and becoming increasingly frustrated when that doesn’t actually make her feel better.

Note: Kaji, and I, don’t literally mean “boyfriends”, but boys interested in Asuka as they are when she arrives in Tokyo-3. She is validated by the sheer number of people interested in her even as she snubs them and acts superior, but nonetheless none of them actually makes her feel validated. Remember that Asuka goes from the sole pilot in Germany to not even the best pilot in Japan, and consider how that works into the attention she receives and so on. Whenever I mention her “German boyfriends” again, keep this in mind: effortless boyfriends that she could make. Realistically, any attempts at dating would have gone down akin to the whole thing with Hikari’s friend—the unwanted boy stranded at a roller coaster.

Actually, this is an important point: Just like how Misato utilized sex in order to fulfill herself, so too does Asuka in a manner of speaking. However, the reasoning behind Misato’s and Asuka’s “deriving pleasure in lieu of actual happiness” is significantly different. Misato has wild sex because, as she explains, it’s nice to be needed, even if physically. Asuka does so because she herself wants to be validated. She doesn’t want to be “needed.” She wants people to pay attention to her and for her not to have to care about them, in essence. She wants to be “needed” but not in the way that Misato does (in an actual need) but in a manner that causes people to pay attention to her without her having to “need” them back. Misato wants a two-way street and settles for being needed physically when she can’t have said two-way street. Asuka wants a one-way street and when that still doesn’t make her happy, because that doesn’t exist, she can’t handle it.

Note: When I refer to Misato’s sexuality, I refer to the sexuality that Asuka sees, from her point of view / perspective. Misato, as revealed in her talk to Kaji, hasn’t actually been having wild sex, but Asuka assumes her to (and continues to assume that into Instrumentality).

Other analysts have pointed out the Three Faces of Eve / Three Faces of Adam symbolism that is repeated over and over again in EVA, from the MAGI supercomputers to Kaji-Gendo-Fuyutsuki. I won’t go too far into depth here, but essentially, Kaji represents the young, virile male; Gendo represents the cruel, warmongering male; and Fuyutsuki represents the old, wise male. It’s akin to the seven stages of man poem written by Shakespeare, and it’s also another post for another time. The most vital part of this is that Kaji represents the young, virile male, who is clearly the most sexually desirable of the three. Unlike the random boyfriends whom Asuka ensnares easily and who would probably go for anyone, Kaji is a Grown Adult. He drinks; he smokes; he has lots and lots of sex, and if he is interested in her, then surely Asuka will become the True Adult.

And so Asuka, inappropriately, attempts to seduce him.

Of course, he rejects her advances, because while Kaji is not the ideal guardian (as he has never truly been able to nurture positive relationships), he is neither a pedophile nor a hebephile. Unfortunately, to Asuka, this isn’t merely a rejection: It’s a denial of Asuka’s status as an adult. Kaji tells her, “You’re still a child.”

There is literally nothing that could cut Asuka more deeply than being called a child, because being a child is what almost killed her, what actually caused her to agree to commit suicide with her mother, driven to insanity. She can’t stand the thought of being dependent, of being a child. She’s going to grow up quickly now, isn’t she?

To reiterate: Asuka doesn’t actually love Kaji. Well, perhaps she does have a puppy crush on him, in the manner of young girls to attractive younger men (and, arguably, she probably has more of a hetero-compulsory “crush” on him than on Shinji).

I want to point out the entirely childish way that she says that. “Kissing, and even the stuff after that,” which is basically something repeated in some form or fashion by every sub upon which I could get my hands (to properly analyse EVA, I watched it using several different subs, from the official English release to crappy direct translations to fansubs, such that I could get a sense of the show overall, where one sub might mistranslate a given line). She can’t even start to talk about sex. She’s not actually ready for sex.

The framing of this shot is very interesting, because we’re treated to a full-frontal cleavage shot of Asuka. Now, Asuka has the smallest breast size of the three “EVA girls” (ugh), but in some of the other shots, such as the “Wall of Jericho” moment, her breasts look larger. On the other hand, in this shot she looks almost entirely flat-chested. The usage of the simple white bra simply furthers this point: She’s not an adult. She’s still a child, barely having grown out of her childhood, trying to become an adult far too soon. Now, she wants to become an adult in order to never have to become dependent upon anyone again. And yet, when she’s rejected instead of validated, she reverts back to her original basics of need:

Yeah. Look at her. Look at her, because her mother never did, because her father never did, because her mother substituted a doll for her, because at the end of it all, she feels like she doesn’t mean anything to anyone. And for that, she hates everyone. She hates other human beings. Most of all, of course, she hates herself.

So here’s the set-up: Asuka seeks validation for her becoming an adult, so that she can be independent and never have to depend on anyone again. This is what she tells herself on the outside. In reality, she craves attention. And this is why she hates herself, because of the paradox between her inherent hate of humanity and desire for isolation, and her desperate need for people to look at her because of the attention that she never received as a child.

Kaji rejects her. Ah, but a new contender rises upon the horizon: The Third Child. Shinji. Who is the only other boy around who is also a pilot, and a good one. When Kaji, the Actual Adult, fails her, she moves on to try to seduce Shinji, because he’s a good substitute (as a saviour of humanity and so on).

And speaking of Shinji, it’s about time to get into Asuka’s adventures in Japan.

Now interestingly enough, at the beginning of episode nine, wherein Asuka finally arrives in Japan, we get this interesting, prophetic exchange of students talking about Asuka:

It seems to me from this that there’s a clear implication that Asuka undoubtedly made sure to carry herself so that the rumour would be true: She wants people to think that she matured early. And this, remember, is prior to us really getting a sense of who Asuka was, so it’s interesting to see the writers throw us this early tidbit. Of course, the other students reply pretty forcefully that she’s probably just here out of a broken heart.

Now, at first, Shinji is not that happy to see Asuka. After all, she has been little but abusive to him. On the other hand, Asuka, who clearly thinks of herself as gorgeous (and the student body would agree), immediately responds to his unease by hurting him. Off to a great start.

The point of this, of course, is that Asuka is only interacting with Shinji because he is the Third Child; in much the same way, Asuka only interacts with Rei because Rei is the First Child and for no other reason.

Afterwards, at the apartment, Asuka is apparently convinced that Shinji is about to be dunked into the trash. She barely gives him a second thought, instead remarking about how he’s going to be replaced. And, of course, because she doesn’t see him as worth her time.

We also take this opportunity to remind our viewers of the man about whom Asuka truly cares, being Kaji, complete with a small heart and all.

We also in this sequence see a rather interesting line from Asuka:

She remarks upon the fact that the Japanese do not have locks on their doors, and there’s really no way to barricade them, either. In essence, anyone can come and go through the doors as they please.

Now, think back to the Arael fight for a moment and to Asuka’s insistence that the angel not look deeper into her mind or dig deeper into her heart. Asuka only wants others to see the “outer shell,” the “gorgeous Asuka,” the perfect Asuka. Later on in this episode, Asuka complains about the fact that her Japanese debut made her appear “uncool.” She is obsessed with the idea of projecting only the best to others. Hence, the concept of simply allowing anyone inside frightens and irritates her. There’s no sense of privacy. While for the rest of her life in Germany, Asuka was able to keep her inner self locked away, in Japan, she will no longer be able to do so the same.

Oh, hey, remember what I was saying about Asuka having a fairly small breast size? Check out the screencap above. Compare it to the scene on the boat, and you’ll see what I mean.

Speaking of this sequence, Asuka is challenging Shinji, because, just like in Germany, she intends to validate herself through the use of local boys. Now that Misato has confirmed for Asuka that Shinji is not being replaced, Asuka is suddenly interested in him, since he’s a fellow EVA pilot and a saviour of humanity. His standing means something.

And so she offers the “challenge”. The Wall of Jericho, by the way, fell. She’s trying to get Shinji to want her, trying to get Shinji to desire her and give her attention so that she can laugh at him and ignore him, thus validating. Just like how Asuka’s initial response was to put him down, here Asuka attempts to create a relationship in which she is in the superior position via emotional weight.

When Shinji fails to respond, she decides to take matters a step further. She lies down next to him with her breasts in full view. He’ll have to reply to this. Not to mention the fact that she was having nightmares.

Either way, she falls asleep. Shinji panics, his gaze focused on her breasts (Shinji’s attraction to Asuka is almost entirely if not entirely sexual in nature, as we’ll see when we get to End of Evangelion and so forth), and he decides to take the bait, as Asuka thought he would. He prepares to kiss her, but in the quiet of the night, Asuka reveals the true self that she has never wanted to reveal:

Even though Asuka wants nothing more than to become an adult, she’s still a child. She can’t wait to grow up (even in the screenshot above, you can clearly see her breasts), but she cannot escape the sheer levels of dependency and need for attention that her mother’s lack thereof left. Deep scars gouged into her psyche.

Her need for attention drives her for the next few episodes, too, as well as her need to absolutely be the best. In the ninth episode, she’s able to “synchronize” with Shinji, showcasing her capability to do so, and yet they still suffer the breakdown above (because you can be functional externally without being functional internally, like most of the adults on the show). In the tenth episode, she can’t stand the thought of Shinji not paying attention to her when he glances over at Rei in her swimsuit and so not only points out her breasts but also calls back to him to watch her jump. Later on, she would rather die in the volcano than fail the mission. In the subsequent episode, she gets even with Shinji by taking the hit, because she can’t stand the thought of not being number one, of not being the person upon whom people depend and to whom people give all of their attention (similarly, she takes charge of the group during the blackout), and so on.

And eventually we end up at the infamous asushin kiss, the kiss which many fans of asushin herald as a great proof of the canon nature of asushin. Let’s take a look, shall we?

In the beginning of the episode, Asuka tries to call Kaji again, this time pretending that she’s being sexually assaulted in an attempt to get him interested. If that’s not desperation on an incredible level, then I don’t know what is. Later, she goes on a date with a boy, but she apparently skips out on said date because she claims that he was boring (read: not as high in her internal standing as Shinji or the master of validation, Kaji).

Misato goes on a date with Kaji. Technically speaking, she has gone out with Kaji and Ritsuko, but Asuka clearly processes this as a date between Misato (whom she doesn’t entirely like) and Kaji. At this point, Asuka is clearly somewhat uncomfortable with these proceedings, because Misato, an adult is being validated, whereas Kaji has left Asuka in the dust.

At this point, Asuka turns to the other boy in her life whose body and validation are mostly immediately accessible to her: Shinji. She asks him what he thinks Misato and Kaji are doing, at which point he tries to get out of the conversation. Then she inquires whether or Shinji’s ever been kissed. He says that he hasn’t, and she pushes him. But take a look at her face: When she asks him, she doesn’t seem to be happy or even content, but rather melancholy, wishful. She’s thinking about Kaji and about validation.

Note: Asuka is also a teenage girl, and she’s probably not being so calculating here as the presentation of my analysis would appear. Part of this is just simple experimentation, and she is probably drawn to Shinji in the typical “allosexual boy and girl existing within an environment at their age” type of way. Nonetheless, let’s move beyond that and see the kiss within the framework of Asuka’s overall arc within Evangelion.

Shinji doesn’t look too happy at the prospect of such a kiss.

When he refuses, Asuka prods him. Asuka has become excellent, as I mentioned, at turning her hate of humanity into a weapon: She drives a stake into his heart, pointing out the death of his mother and asking him if he’s scared. At the defilement of his mother’s name, Shinji responds that of course he’s not scared of a little kiss, and Asuka stands up. Threateningly. She’s taller than him, and the shot of her coming towards him is framed in a manner that is more threatening and towering than romantic.

As Shinji and Asuka approach one another, Shinji takes on a faint blush (considering that he thinks Asuka hot, there’s little surprise here), while Asuka looks more serious than anything. She hesitates in kissing him and tells him to stop breathing. Him being human, apparently, distracts her on some level.

She then grabs his nose and kisses him suddenly. They stay that way for a while without moving, locked in a fairly awkward kiss.

Poor Shinji can’t breathe, and he begins to turn red, then blue, as Asuka literally suffocates him.

Now the first time that I saw this scene, I thought that this was a simple erection joke, with Shinji balling his hand into a fist in order to cover up the, ahem, tenting in his pants. And perhaps that was Shinji’s initial reaction (after all, he’s a fourteen-year-old boy and he’s kissing an exceedingly attractive young woman to whom he is obviously sexually attracted, whose breasts he has seen before, and to whom, as we later find out, he masturbates to). But as the kiss goes on without break:

Poor Shinji literally begins to suffocate. He’s turning blue from an utter lack of breath. He’s not exactly having fun. Finally, unable to stand the rather deadly lack of breath, he pulls away from Asuka, gasping, and starts to pant heavily, relieved that he’s not actually going to die from asphyxiation.

To Asuka, however, this is more than a rejection. There are a lot of things happening in this scene: First of all, kissing the Third Children didn’t actually make Asuka feel better. Second of all, Shinji clearly had no idea what he was doing and was incapable of pressing forward with Asuka, instead standing there until he could no longer stand it and stumbling away. Hence, he’s not exactly a virile “player” like Kaji and is lower on the “validating” list for Asuka. Third of all, he didn’t continue and he actually left her, implicitly rejecting her. Fourth of all, no, he’s not Kaji. Picture this from Asuka’s perspective for a second: While the man of your dreams is on a date with a woman whom you don’t like very much, you kiss a boy, and you continue to kiss that boy while thinking to yourself, ‘Why don’t I feel happy yet? Why don’t I feel happy yet? How long do I have to wait to feel happy?’ Then the boy you’re kissing abruptly breaks away with you and starts gasping for breath, obviously relieved that he’s no longer kissing you.

It’s not like you were just rejected by Kaji. You were just rejected by the Third Child, a regular fourteen-year-old boy of the sort that you could get by the bushel in Germany and most of the least aggressive boys you’ve ever seen in your entire fucking life.

Asuka turns away and runs to the bathroom to gargle.

Asuka immediately tries to save face by pinning the blame on Shinji, because of course her upset-ness has nothing to do with the fact that she’s just suffered one of the worst rejections and least validating experiences in her life and everything to do with Shinji being a bad kisser (hint: it’s the other way around). Asuka’s not an adult. Asuka’s still a child, and when push comes to shove, she responds her own failings by blaming Shinji. When Shinji pointedly asks Asuka what’s wrong, Asuka shoves it back in his face and proclaims that she’s upset because she kissed him. Which is true, but not in the way that she means for Shinji to interpret events.

All of this, by the way, is framed within the context of Kaji and Misato reconnecting after a departure of eight years, a true kiss of love to contrast this muddled kiss of two teenagers failing to communicate.

Later on, Kaji arrives home at last, Misato in tow. Kaji puts Misato to bed, ensuring that she’ll be all right, and walks out. Asuka immediately jumps on the chance and seems to be in much better spirits after seeing her dear Kaji-san again.

Kaji kindly declines the offer, pointing out that he needs to go home, and Asuka insists. Shinji might be useless trash, but surely Kaji will save the day.

Unfortunately, while Asuka might be putting the uttermost “deredere” that she can around Kaji, he refuses and quits the apartment, leaving Asuka standing by herself. And notice how utterly heartbroken she is in the subsequent shot, while she makes an important observation:

This, the smell of lavender, of course, is a callback to an earlier part of the episode, right before Asuka’s date with Hikari’s friend, wherein Asuka asks Misato if she can use Misato’s perfume. The program going on in the background, by the way, is seemingly about a former couple arguing, with one of them declaring that (he) still loves (her) and the other one saying that it’s impossible, that (she) isn’t the person that (she) once was, and that it took (her) three years to forget (him). Of course, the immediate analysis is that this relates to Misato and Kaji’s relationship. But could it also refer, perhaps, to the fact that Asuka is trying desperately to become something she isn’t, e.g. the idea that people and time can’t turn back to what they once were?

At any rate, Asuka requests that she use Misato’s perfume, and Misato refuses her.

“It’s not for kids,” Misato says, implying blatantly that Asuka’s just a kid and that she’s an adult and hence can use the perfume. Naturally, Kaji validates Misato. Yes, Misato is an adult; yes, Misato is worthy of receiving Kaji’s love and attention.

Asuka isn’t.

Asuka’s a child, unworthy of the perfume and unworthy, it seems, of Kaji’s attention or affection. In later episodes, Asuka continues to try to draw Kaji’s attention, such as when she barges into his office only to find out that Toji has been selected as the Fourth Children, and when he shuts her down yet again.

Far from the romantic kiss that most fans of asushin seem to consider this occasion in EVA, the kiss is one of those moments wherein we’re reminded that Shinji and Asuka don’t understand one another. Shinji can’t think of why Asuka is upset. Asuka doesn’t care about Shinji and is only using him to validate herself, rather than out of any actual romantic reasoning beyond the sexual tension faced by allosexuals of their age.

(Now, I’m going to do a bit of a topic change so that I can talk about Rei and Misato, and how they relate to Asuka.)

In the beginning of episode nine, we see Asuka, as I mentioned earlier, considering herself to be the best of the best. She asks Shinji where the First Child is and proceeds to speak to the First Child.

When Asuka approaches Rei, her shadow covers the book that Rei is reading. The First Child responds by shifting the book, as if Asuka’s presence doesn’t bother Rei whatsoever and Rei couldn’t care less about Asuka. In other words, the opposite of the attention that Asuka seeks.

Now, a word on the framing of this scene. They’re outside, in public, surrounded by students. Asuka is extremely popular and a new student. Literally everyone is staring at Asuka and Rei when Asuka loudly declares herself to be the Unit 02 pilot. Now, notice that she specifically refers to Rei as the pilot of the prototype. Before Rei has even said a word, Asuka is immediately setting up the First Child to be inferior.

There are students everywhere. Asuka has put Rei, who clearly doesn’t care, on the spot. Rei, very rightfully, asks why.

Now, Asuka doesn’t reply that she wants to be friends with Rei, or that she finds Rei interesting, or, in reality, anything that one would normally say. No. Asuka responds:

‘Because it’d be convenient, in lots of ways.’ Of course, Asuka is understandably simply being Asuka. Asuka doesn’t really know how to interact with other people except by establishing herself as dominant and very clearly and obviously setting up a one-way relationship in which they pay attention to her and she gives the appearance of not giving a shit about them. However, let’s give Asuka props for reaching out to Rei. Asuka doesn’t want to strike up a hatred of Rei, which is something that people tend to miss: Asuka doesn’t just walk around looking for conflict. She genuinely tried to become friends with Rei.

Unlike everyone else at the school, however, Rei doesn’t care for Asuka’s status. Rei doesn’t really care about anything at all.

Asuka is pretty dumbfounded at this. ‘If I’m ordered to, I will.’ Instead of trying desperately to become an adult as Asuka is doing, Rei is essentially akin to a robot from Asuka’s perspective, simply waiting for orders.

Asuka thereafter refers to Rei as a doll. As we know, Asuka hates dolls, because her mother spoke to a doll and because she agreed to take the doll’s place and kill herself with her mother as long as Kyouko didn’t stop being her mother. And so Asuka comes to associate Rei with everything that she hates: a doll only capable of listening to its master, utterly dependent upon its master for everything, completely unable to think for itself. Actually, the entire willing to die thing comes back to bite later, as we’ll see in the all-important elevator sequence.

At any rate, from this initial issue and fracture within their relationship, Asuka actually does try to reach out to Rei a few more times. For example, in the episode with Sahaquiel, Asuka is the one to drag Rei to dinner with herself, Shinji, and Misato; she even foregoes what she was originally planning in order to go to a place where Rei, a vegetarian, would be satisfied. Similarly, after the attack with Matarael, Asuka good-naturedly responds to Rei’s philosophizing, not even insulting or making fun of her for it, but responding in an Asuka-like way. And so forth.

Asuka does have her reasons to dislike Rei, however. For example, Asuka believes that Rei is the favorite, as she explains during the black-out, calling Rei a “wondergirl”. Rei, of course, replies that no, Rei isn’t the favorite; Rei knows that quite well. But from Asuka’s perspective, Rei is the favored pilot, which is partially why Asuka dislikes Rei, because Rei is essentially taking—from Asuka’s POV—the title of “best pilot.” Rei and Shinji actually. But we’ll get to that.

To some extent, Asuka also dislikes Rei because Asuka perceives Shinji as trying for the First Child even as he avoids her like the plague. While the love stuff / love triangle stuff doesn’t really affect Rei and Asuka’s relationship, it is important to warrant a mention: Kaji doesn’t validate her; Shinji only cares about her for her body (he also cares about her as a friend, but Asuka rarely sees that, and we’re looking at this from her perspective) but seemingly cares quite a bit about Rei. It’s a matter of validation, and it’s another reason that Asuka dislikes Rei.

Okay, so to recap: Rei is a doll; Rei has attracted the attention of a boy whose Asuka was unable to capture in a way that suits her; Rei is willing to die for others; and Rei is favored as a pilot above Asuka.

As we know, as the series progresses, Asuka slowly loses her synchronization rate while Shinji starts to catch up, culminating in “You are number one!” at the start of episode sixteen. Asuka places her entire worth upon being a pilot, because she has nothing else. Her mother died just as Asuka was selected to become a pilot. Asuka decided never to cry again and put forth her everything into being a pilot. She became the pilot of the first combat-ready unit and achieved the highest sync rate of all. She cares so much about piloting and about looking good while piloting that she wears, as I mentioned, the neural interface headset at all times, even in the shower.

And then Shinji takes over.

Now, for a bit of EVA science, I have to mention that the reasons behind the sync rate were partially her fault and partially not. On one hand, while Unit 00 and Unit 02 are based upon Adam and contain within them only partial souls, Unit 01 is based upon Lilith and contains within it a full soul. Naturally Shinji is going to outpace all of them. The other fact, which is “her fault” (insofar that it could be avoided) is a result of the whole validation / mental unraveling thing.

Asuka does not take well to Shinji becoming number one. Rei, however, doesn’t seem to care. This boils over in the infamous elevator scene. Asuka and Rei are going down for a while when Rei tries to speak to Asuka.

Rei explains that Asuka has to open her heart to EVA, to which Asuka responds very negatively, exclaiming that of course she opens her heart to EVA. This is untrue, of course: Asuka keeps her innermost thoughts and feelings locked away, even from her mother / the EVA (in fact, part of her entire breakthrough in End of Evangelion, as we’ll see later, is due to the fact that she finally revealed her innermost self during her actual suicide / subsequent desire to live and so on). Rei genuinely reaches out and Asuka rejects the First Child, illustrating both of their developments: how high Rei has come, and how low Asuka has fallen.

She singles out Shinji as the root cause of these issues, because she’s no longer number one. She always perceived Rei to be the favored child, and now Shinji is also the favored child by the numbers.

Asuka refers to Rei as a mechanical puppet (translated as a doll in other subs, to further the point), stressing the entire idea of how much she hates dolls. In fact, Asuka even compares herself to have “lost her edge” because of the fact that she’s sunk so low so as to be comparable to a puppet, to a doll.

Asuka doesn’t actually believe herself to be above Shinji and Rei. Asuka pretends that she does as a defense mechanism. Many on Tumblr could probably relate, the entire “yes I am perfect / yes I am garbage” thing. She pretends that she’s the best because it’s easier than actually accepting herself, and she seeks for others to support this. Unfortunately, the rest of the world seems to have a different belief, and as someone with HPD, Asuka cannot handle that.

When Rei continues to try to genuinely help her, Asuka desperately screams out:

She expects for Rei to assure her that of course not, of course the First Child is capable of making her own decisions and of course the First Child would not simply die if ordered to do so. And why? Because Asuka doesn’t want to believe that she actually could have died had her mother told her to do so. Since Commander Ikari is essentially Rei’s equivalent to a parent / guardian, it’s a direct comparison. To Asuka’s shocked horror, Rei admits that the First Child would die if ordered.

Asuka slaps Rei. Asuka is personally offended at Rei’s words, because the First Child’s decision preys upon her largest fear. Asuka is capable of committing suicide and as such she’s terrified of the thought of herself actually killing herself for any reason.

Rei confirms her fear. Rei confirms that an excellent pilot, loved by the world, at the top of the game, favored (from Asuka’s perspective), and even validated by Shinji, would still be willing to die if ordered. Like a puppet. Like a doll.

Later on, during her entire mind break with Arael, Rei saves her. Rei, the doll, the culmination of everything that Asuka fears, saves her. Asuka believed that she was an adult, believed that she could handle anything by herself, but at her lowest low, while all of her fears are dredged out by Arael, the mechanical puppet doll—the thing from which Asuka has been trying to escape forever—saves her.

In the end, Asuka isn’t independent. Asuka is dependent and unable to save herself. And Asuka, at the end of the day, is saved by the most (from her point of view) dependent doll of all.

It’s a slap in the face (sorry, babe). It’s a complete destruction of everything for which Asuka stands. Arael utterly destroys her and what saves her is the thing that she hates most.

But more on Arael later. First, it’s time to discuss her relationship with Misato.

I’ve already covered most of her relationship with Misato in sections above and in sections below, so consider this to be a quick recap: In essence, Misato represents what Asuka both wants and doesn’t want. Misato is a validated adult woman who has sex and wins the “Kaji Bowl”. Asuka wants to be like Misato on the surface because she wants to be akin to Misato in terms of being an independent adult (she kisses Shinji partially because she believes, rightfully, that that’s what Kaji and Misato are doing on their date). And yet Asuka is disgusted by Misato; she’s disgusted when she asks if she’ll grow up to be like Misato, and she shames Misato for all of the sex. She doesn’t actually want to be Misato; she doesn’t actually, deep in her heart want to grow up.

(Back to validation / etc.)

Speaking of the Arael incident, now is an absolutely excellent to go ahead and recap everything that has happened thus far. Prior to the Arael sequence, we see Asuka trying to call Kaji yet again but being unable to do so, followed by her noticing that Shinji is talking to Rei. Note the yoking of Kaji and Shinji yet again: When her primary focus is unavailable (Kaji), she turns to the secondary substitute (Shinji) of validation. This time, she interprets him speaking to the First Children as herself having lost. She barely reacts to this. Having been pushed out of place in terms of both being the top EVA pilot and in terms of validation (she used to be with Kaji and her German boyfriends all of the time, but all of that has left her), she’s crumbling down.

At the beginning of episode twenty-two, known rightfully in the fandom as the “Asuka mindfuck” episode, Unit 01 has essentially been put into stasis due to the fact that she managed to consume Zeruel’s core, therefore making herself an actualised god. SEELE, which has no time or patience for Gendo’s shenanigans, places Unit 01 and Shinji on the bench. Asuka is sent out to investigate, confront, and defeat Arael. She knows what’s at stake in this encounter. She knows that, most likely, her reputation and status as being able to pilot at all rides on this. And hell, if she’s lost her status in terms of validation, then she can move past that and continue to ride on the waves of her being the best EVA pilot. She can climb back.

As a perfectionist (something also common to HPD), Asuka won’t allow herself to look bad.

However, Arael starts to probe deep into her mind. After the attacks of the other angels, Arael doesn’t seek to harm anyone (indeed, other than Asuka, they don’t actually hurt anyone else, and even in the case of Asuka, it’s less of a malicious attack and more of a child attempting to probe a small animal and not realising that a shovel is not the best tool with which to do so).

Misato orders for Asuka to retreat. But to Asuka, retreating from what she perceives to be her last chance at the spotlight is paramount to utter failure, to death. To walk away now, to run away now, will be to lose the attention forever.

She can’t have that. In a very Shinjiesque moment, she resolves not to run away.

When Arael continues to probe, we get the same thing that Asuka has always said: Asuka can’t stand others looking into her mind, her heart, her soul. Asuka very carefully cultivates this external image that is oh so easily broken to reveal the depressed, suicidal child within. Arael, who is capable of literally ripping out all of Asuka’s worst memories and repressed self, is Asuka’s worst nightmare, so of course this is the angel that unintentionally rips her from the inside out.

Actually, I’m going to take a random quick aside to say that the animations of characters in Evangelion putting their faces in their hands are some of my favorite of the series, if not anime in general, because the way that the hair bounces up and moves. I’d make some gifs, but just capping everything and writing analysis is taking enough. Back to the analysis.

The worst part about all of this is that everyone else is hearing this. While we don’t know if the things that Asuka says in her mind to Arael are heard by the people in Central Dogma, it’s not impossible and is actually quite likely, what with the fact that she’s screaming all of her words with everything that she has.

Keep that in mind, given what we’re about to see her say. Picture her, after coming out of this nightmare, being fully aware that not only did she actually have a breakdown, but everyone heard her break down, audibly, crying and broken, and since saving the world is clearly a public event, something like this would likely be reported on the news as well to some extent (of course SEELE and NERV would massage the information, but the important part is that Asuka would think that it’s everywhere).

Arael starts out by reminding Asuka of her childhood: how her mother used to always work at Gehirn and never particularly had time for her daughter or her husband (which is a parallel between Asuka to Misato, as well as to Ritsuko, but I could write a completely another post about Asuka-Ritsuko parallels and the rejected love interest archetype that repeats itself again and again in Evangelion); how her mother finally became mother-like after being driven insane by only having a piece of her soul within her; how her father came to have an affair with her mother’s doctor and abandoned her mother; how her mother in turn abandoned her for a doll; how she agreed to die if it meant that her mother would not abandon her; how her mother actually committed suicide; how Asuka decided that she would never cry again (important). All of this, according to her, is something that she never wanted to think about again.

And of course not. She’s supposed to be the perfect one. She’s not supposed to have a backstory like this, not supposed to suffer and cry like this, not supposed to be this wounded attention-seeking child inside.

Most horrifyingly of all, the apparition of her mother-doll doesn’t recognize Asuka. In the ultimate blow to Asuka, who is so fiercely independent and craving of attention, the mother-doll asks who she is.

Because who is Asuka? The outer shell that she puts out (and that much of the fandom gobbles up), or the broken Asuka?

So we have an Asuka confidently introducing herself, complete with a little hair motion there to emphasize her beauty and to bring the attention to her with a large fanfare; an Asuka immediately putting others with her standard catchphrase of “あんたバカ?” / “anta baka?” because anyone who might possibly see through her must be placed in a subordinate position immediately, since Asuka has to be at the top, has to be the one to whom attention is given; an Asuka smugly talking about her “chance” to show off her piloting skills and hence gain attention; and, finally, that shot from the boat scene with Kaji. So look at me. That sexualised, sexualised shot that actually shows off just how young and unprepared she is.

Asuka claims that this isn’t the real her (which is true, because it isn’t the real her).

Immediately she’s dumped into a horrorscape wherein she seeks a figure whom she recognises as Kaji. She begs for Kaji (here, representative of all validating figures in general) to save her from this mindless crowd. She wants to stand out. She’s wearing her pilot outfit to emphasize her piloting skills as being a reason that she can rise out of the rabble. And yet that alone can’t bring her from the monotonous crowd that threatens to consume her: She begs for validation to save her, but it doesn’t, just like in real life.

Now, quite a few fans (I’m looking at you, EvaGeeks) ascribe Asuka’s line asking what Shinji is doing in her nightmare to be with romantic intent (e.g. she’s thinking of him because she likes him romantically). But not quite. The shot below pans from Kaji to Shinji, because it’s not about Shinji but about yet again yoking Kaji to Shinji. She can’t have Kaji. She can’t even have Shinji, and Shinji is a memetically beta, passive boy with very feminine qualities.

Worse, Shinji has a very apathetic Rei-like expression here. He just doesn’t give a shit about this. And him not giving a shit about her is what breaks her. She needs attention. She needs someone to pay attention to her, because she relies on other people for her happiness.

After this nightmare, we’re treated to the following shot of the true Asuka, usually the same line as from her earlier trying-to-be-an-adult look at me shot, but this time, as a crying child (and she told herself that she would never cry again, too):

The next shot is Asuka, naked, by herself, while Arael speaks to her, asking her if she’s lonely. Asuka, however, rejects Arael (whom she perceives to be her younger self). Basically, Asuka would be happier if Asuka accepted who she was and tried to build up based upon her own happiness rather than the false happiness from others (which ties into another Evangelion message concerning not relying upon false confidence, as Shinji does throughout the action arc only for everything to come crashing down on him during the incident with Leliel), but Asuka rejects that. Instead of admitting her weaknesses, Asuka repeats her maxims to herself, because they’re all that she has, even if they’re false and won’t make her happy (much like Shinji’s “I mustn’t run away”). All of this over Arael asking if Asuka ever loved (her mother).

Because if Asuka didn’t love herself, clearly she can’t love someone else, as she tells Shinji in End of Evangelion (by that point point, she’ll have figured out how to love herself, as we’ll see).

By the way, please note that the child Asuka’s hairclips are designed deliberately to evoke Unit 02’s four-eyed design, because Asuka isn’t merely rejecting her past self, but also her mother / Unit 02’s soul, which is why her synchronization plummets so intensely. In contrast, when Asuka accepts her failing and her mother as of End of Evangelion, she manages to sync well enough to go berserk, but we’ll get to that.

Of course, Arael, much like Leliel before them, isn’t having any of this shit.

So Arael completely and utterly rips up Asuka while Rei destroys them using the Lance of Longinus, which results in Asuka lying there, shell-shocked, in the plug. She’s curled in on herself in fetal position (what with the womb symbolism of EVA and all) even while she tries to reject all of her mistakes thrown up in her face.

And at the end of it all, she calls out to Kaji. There’s a reason that fans refer to Arael’s actions as a “mind rape” (a term I personally hate): Asuka says that she’s been defiled. The presence of the angel having reminded her of all of her faults from which she can’t escape has defiled her. Moreover, she failed in her “final attempt” as a pilot. She’s done and she knows it. There’s nothing there left for her.

And worst yet, of course, is how she was saved. Just like in the elevator, what ultimately saves Asuka isn’t herself or her independence or even her skills at piloting, but the doll, the doll who would die if the parent analogue ordered death. Not only is Asuka herself fucked over, but the very ideals upon which she has built her entire world are fucked over.

After this, Asuka is essentially finished. Shinji stands there, unable to do anything whatsoever. In the following episode, when Rei needs back-up, Asuka is completely unable to help her but simply sits there, entirely desynchronized from EVA. She’s useless. No one needs her whatsoever (except for the fact that they do; Shinji and Rei care about her as friends, and everyone else very much cares for her well-being, as we see in episode twenty-four and in End of Evangelion).

Following this, she apparently runs away and manages to do so without anyone interfering. Part of this is because Misato believes that Shinji and Asuka should be able to make their own decisions, which is an excellent parenting strategy except for the fact that she goes too far. Just as how Shinji ran off in the fourth episode only to be barely found by Kensuke and later by NERV agents, Asuka leaves, clearly with the intent of suicide.

Some people argue exactly how she intended to commit suicide. Some argue that she did so by slitting her wrists (hence her sitting in a bathtub), while others point out the fact that she clearly hasn’t been eaten for goodness knows how long, considering the clear shading at her cheeks, the prominent ribs, and the thigh gap that is far wider than even her typical skinny anime girl look. This scene isn’t fanservicey. It’s horrifying.

We also see her clothes neatly folded up next to her, which is something very common in suicide cases. She’s in the bathtub because a) that’s also a place associated with suicides and b) her entire “I hate everyone” scene (see below, just after this section) takes place, of course, with her standing over the bathtub. Throughout Evangelion, water comes up again and again, as a general aesthetic choice that encompasses life, happiness, escapism, thought, the inner world, all of that; here, Asuka is in an empty bathtub entirely dry, symbolizing the lack of life. In fact, the bathtub, and the entire house, is broken. Useless. No one would come to look at such a decrepit shack, which, of course, is the point.

Asuka doesn’t die, however. She survives because NERV agents find her, just as they did with Shinji. As we know, Asuka ends up in the hospital and is later placed in Unit 02. She’s surprised to find herself alive and so on and so forth. We’ll get to that in End of Evangelion.

Asuka’s part during Instrumentality is pretty much review at this point, so I’ll just leave the screencaps here and allow you to draw upon what you’ve learned from the rest of this to drive home the points that I’ve been making all along.

You know, Asuka and Shinji aren’t that different at their cores (heheh). They both rely upon others for false happiness and end up getting smacked in the face for it until they learn to rely upon their own happiness, at which point they can begin to understand each other.

(Ahaha, the doll Rei telling her off again, because Rei understands her even if Asuka doesn’t want Rei to understand her. Check out that character development for Rei, by the way. The sheer amount of development from the Rei that we see in the first episode, incapable of even understanding the feelings that lurk within the soul, to the Rei we see here and in End of Evangelion, gently guiding Shinji and the rest of humanity through Instrumentality and rejection thereof.)

In the case of the Second Children, Instrumentality simply repeats what we already know what her in explicit detail for those who missed it.

Confounding all of this seeking of validation is the fact that Asuka, in reality, wants to be isolated. Underneath the HPD and underneath that flirty, lively personality with which she seeks attention, Asuka is hostile in a manner that keeps others away from her. When she’s alone, and sometimes when she’s particularly upset, she hates humanity and she’s cruel. I don’t mean cruel in the “anta baka?” sense, but in a sense that Asuka can transform her own hate for herself into a deep fuel with which to destroy others.

Here, she laments having to so much as interact with other human beings. She doesn’t want to use the same toilet or wash her underwear in with Misato and Shinji’s, wherein Misato and Shinji represent the people that inhabit the world around her. Interestingly, both the toilet and the underwear reference are very personal. Asuka has no issues “sharing” that flirty outer shell that she has created, but everything that lies within is hers and hers alone. Most of all, however, she hates herself.

In this sequence, and throughout this episode, Asuka complains about suffering from menstrual cramps. She mentions that she doesn’t want to be a mother (her dislike of being a mother and yet menstruating in contrast to Rei’s mother-like qualities and lack of menstruation is a topic worthy of its own post) and that most of all she hates herself, again. There are many reasons as to why Asuka would not want to be a mother. For instance, there’s the obvious fact that her mother committed suicide, which surely has left a sour taste in Asuka’s mouth (a taste, we find, that appears during the nightmare sequence with Arael). But there’s another aspect of motherhood: the idea of sharing your body and later your entire life with another human being. And that, I think, is the aspect of motherhood that terrifies Asuka most.

In End of Evangelion, Asuka is surprised to discover that she is alive when she awakens deep below the lake, uttering, “I’m … alive?”. As I mentioned earlier, Asuka killed herself because she did not believe that she held any worth to anyone. She talks about how no one will look at her now. Without the validation of others, she has nothing, and there is no purpose to anything. However, deep within the bowels of the EVA, Asuka finally synchronizes with the partial soul in Unit 02.

Here, she discovers two things: first, that her mother is always watching over her and protecting her and consequently will act as a constant “source of light” for the attention that she requires so desperately, and second, that the A.T. Field is in fact what separates the walls of human hearts. But instead of replying in a negative manner in the way that Kaworu did in episode twenty-four or in the way that Shinji did at first, Asuka is overjoyed at the news.

She has her A.T. Field. She has no need of anyone else, because she, her inner self, will always be protected by an impenetrable barrier. To Asuka, who represents the true extreme of human isolation (in sharp contrast to the true extreme of human union represented by Rei), the A.T. Field is more than a blessing. Instrumentality, by contrast, would be the greatest curse that Asuka could experience. Wielding this A.T. Field, Asuka is capable of destroying both SEELE’s forces and the EVA Series, until the S2 engines allow the MPEs to regenerate. And here the battle takes a turn for the worse, in the worst possible way.

As seen in the fight with Arael, Asuka associates both her success and her defeat in a sexual manner, specifically because she associates her subconscious sexually. Just as she commented that Arael’s exploration into her mind had resulted in her mind and herself being “defiled”, so too does her ultimate defeat in End of Evangelion feature heavy sexual symbolism.

Firstly, she is stabbed by the Lance of Longinus, in context symbolically transformed into a phallic weapon. The MPEs themselves, whose appearances are also quite phallic, produce anti-A.T. Fields which later aid in bringing about Instrumentality. They attack in unison rather than independently, and hence they represent everything that Asuka despises so much. All of them swarm her in a ritualistic (and here come the trigger warnings, guys) gang rape. They descend upon her, violate her, mutilate her, and leave. Notably, if one looks past the gore, one will observe that the damage done to Unit 02 almost makes the EVA appear pregnant, with the swollen at the stomach, or as if the EVA is in process of / has just given birth. There’s that fear of pregnancy, rearing its ugly head.

This is only exacerbated by the shot of Asuka screaming and grabbing her abdomen.

Naturally, it’s merely an injury. But the styling of the injury looks very much like that whole pregnancy thing. The EVA Series, representative of all which Asuka despises, has assaulted her and rid her of the very isolation that she so craves. When she manages to reactivate the EVA, going berserk for the first time in the series, the MPEs respond by piercing her with multiple phallic weapons, leaving her not quite crucified so much as stabbed, dominated, conquered repeatedly. Not in the relatively clean crucifixion, but as messy and horrible as possible.

Why, then, do the MPE cause her such an ultimate humiliation? Because even though she has identified with her happiness in human isolation and her happiness with her A.T. Field, she did so within Unit 02. Part of Evangelion is the rejection of the mother and of the womb-like plug and of standing by herself (because from within the womb, we can filter reality in a manner that causes the Hedgehog’s Dilemma). Hence, the narrative punishes Asuka for going about human isolation in the “wrong manner”. When she rematerialises herself in the last moments of End of Evangelion, she is doing so without EVA, the EVA having been destroyed. Shinji chokes her because Asuka cannot escape human contact. As part of the resolution of the Hedgehog’s Dilemma, Asuka must understand that she ultimately must interact with humanity, but she also now understands, loves, and accepts herself.

At this point, presumably a quantum Rei appears to collect Asuka’s soul. We don’t see her again until the pre-Instrumentality sequence. Just as a random aside, but I’d like to take the opportunity to point out that the Adam-Lilith complex, who appears as the person with whom the soul-to-be-harvested wishes to become one, took on Kaworu’s appearance for Shinji, not Asuka’s. Anyway: we next see Asuka while she and Shinji are “attempting” to communicate.

While Instrumentality is in its opening stages, we have this wonderful sequence of shots between Shinji and Asuka, with Shinji painted in the blue traditionally associated with masculinity and boyhood and Asuka painted in the pink traditionally associated with femininity and girlhood, neither of which particularly suits either one. While Asuka yells at him for not understanding her (and very rightfully calls him out), we’re treated to a series of flashes of Shinji’s eyes, sad and drooping, coupled with obviously objectified shots of Asuka.

Shinji doesn’t care about Asuka at this point except for her body (note that these shots don’t contain her face; of course Shinji does care about Asuka as a friend, but in terms of their strict ego-to-ego communication to one another, here’s what we get):

While Shinji gives himself half-defenses, Asuka points out that he literally just used her for her body. He can’t handle the actual living, breathing Asuka and so focuses on a projection of her made inside of his mind, a projection that would lie there two-dimensionally while she does nothing at all. [Anno looks directly at the camera like in The Office]

This climaxes with Asuka thrusting her chest into Shinji’s face (note the lack of her face in the first shot, cutting off her individuality and will in favor of simply offering her body, which could be any body at all, to Shinji) on the Hell Train.

She has realised that validation renders her, like Misato, as simply a body, when what she wanted to be validated as an individual. Now that she loves herself (regarding the entire “accepting her mother and isolation” bit above), she can validate herself and doesn’t need anyone else (hence, human isolation), but she also understands what Shinji is feeling.

We see Asuka next in the Hell Kitchen. Now, the Hell Kitchen is Asuka’s equivalent to Shinji’s Hell Train, which we just witnessed about.

The Hell Train is where we meet Shinji multiple times as he struggles with his mental thoughts and feelings. The train, because on a train one is surrounded by people yet constantly alone (just think about that shot from one of the initial episodes, wherein we see Shinji listening to his music on a steadily emptying train) and because, while a train ostensibly has a destination, one can technically remain on a train forever, being merely moved from place to place to some destination without exerting any force of one’s own. In this manner, the Hell Train represents both Shinji’s inherent issues (his avoidant personality disorder, the hedgehog’s dilemma, and the idea of drifting through life without purpose) and his current state.

Asuka’s hell is the Hell Kitchen. First of all, it’s Misato’s kitchen. Asuka wants nothing more than to grow up and become independent already, and yet there she is, sitting in the kitchen of the guardian upon whom she is dependent. Second of all, it’s a kitchen. The kitchen is the heart of the home, heavily associated with dependency and, dare I say, motherhood. Yeah. It’s definitely Asuka’s hell, and yet one from which she isn’t entirely able to escape.

There are also two vital aspects of this scene that deserve. The first one is pretty obvious and most people have noticed it: Asuka and Shinji are wearing the same outfits that they wore during the kiss sequence described earlier, a major aspect of a case in which Asuka was not validated. The second one is less obvious: The seemingly random broken coffee pot that spills across the floor is actually symbolism lifted from the scene in which Shinji informs Asuka that her beloved Kaji is dead, another major aspect of lack of validation. To recap: the symbols in the Hell Kitchen remind Asuka not only of her consistent inability to actually become independent but only of her failures in validation as a sexual adult.

(Above is coffee cup during Instrumentality [rewatch the scene if you don’t believe me]. Below is the coffee cup from the Kaji’s death revelation scene.)

Asuka exists in this pre-Instrumentality state completely isolated. Here, she’s happy. There’s no one. She’s by herself and she can’t imagine a better existence. Then Shinji pops up out of nowhere (note that this is prior to full Instrumentality. In episodes twenty-five and twenty-six, we see the slow progression of Instrumentality, and they mention that Instrumentality had been ongoing for months if not years, as people’s egos interacted and slowly stripped down to the very essences of their beings). He runs over to Asuka and offers to stay with her forever, offering her his help.

Too little, too late.

While Asuka sought validation in the past, after her experiences with the A.T. Field, she no longer has any need whatsoever of Shinji’s validation. Hence, she tells Shinji to leave her alone. After this, all Shinji says is “Help me,” because even his initial offering of assistance to her solely hurt her, and In reality, he was being selfish and merely attempting to get her to help him. He wasn’t there for her when Asuka needed him.

As Asuka points out, Shinji doesn’t need her. Shinji just needs someone. And Asuka doesn’t simply want to be someone; Asuka wants to be, well, herself, specifically. She wants to be valued for who she is, not because circumstances left her the least of all evils, especially for Shinji, whose first choice, per Instrumentality, was Kaworu anyway.

Asuka calls him out on his bullshit. Asuka points out that he doesn’t love himself, because she’s been there. She hated herself, but through the understanding of her mother and her A.T. Field, she’s okay. But she is rejecting his presence. She is rejecting him entering her mind, because she wants to be by herself. She wants to be isolated.

He continues to ask for help. She refuses. I’m going to interject right here one second and say that Shinji repeatedly, brokenly, whispering and then yelling, “助けて” / “Tasukete,” while Asuka calls him out (the framing of the scene would make it appear at first that Shinji is the protagonist and Asuka is the antagonist, but if you pay attention to the words and emotions, it’s the opposite). Instrumentality is her worst nightmare: As the literal symbol of human isolation, she can’t take the intrusion.

And so, in the act of causing Instrumentality to occur (by becoming one with Kaworu), Shinji chokes her. Shinji murders her in the process of Instrumentality because Asuka cannot stand the thought of being erased, of being one of many. And yet Asuka merely stares at him, apathetically, as if she could not care less about the proceedings if she tried. Shinji is killing her, and she still doesn’t give a fuck about him now that she no longer needs him to validate herself. (The opening ceremonies of the Komm, susser Tod sequence relate this is to Akagi Naoko choking Rei I.)

I’m going to point out one thing before we move on: this shot.

In this shot we see two very important things: Shinji on the ground and the coffee cup on the ground. Shinji and Kaji. The two men from whom she attempted to receive validation. And she says, “How pitiful,” not at them so much as at herself for needing validation from them. She’s moved beyond that now.

Instrumentality goes on. I’m not going to talk about the original drafted version of the live action sequences, because they were excluded from the final product and I don’t find them worthy of being analysed myself. Typically, when I analyse extraneous material, it’s because the material was cut due to censorship. In this case, however, there didn’t appear to be any censorship involved. So, I’ll just jump right in to what’s probably the single largest misconception about End of Evangelion.

The ending is 100% optimistic hopeful happy, even happier than EoTV / the original anime ending.

No, really.

Rei and Kaworu explain to Shinji, and the audience, that every single being that has the will to come back, will come back.

(Holy shit, just look at those visuals. [wipes brow])

Contrary to the (asushin-friendly) interpretation of the “new Adam and Eve”, Asuka and Shinji will not be stranded together on the beach forever. Rather, every lifeform that wishes to come back from the LCL can come back. Poignantly, we hear Yui’s often-repeated quote again:

That’s the message of Neon Genesis Evangelion, gentlefolks: Even if you’re at the very brink of suicide, even if you’re at the very brink of escapism, as long as you have a will to live, you can return. What does that mean for Asuka?

Shinji’s the first back simply because he was in control of Instrumentality, thanks to both Rei and Kaworu (and Yui) deciding to place the future of the world into the hands of a depressed, avoidant, suicidal fourteen-year-old child who was capable, deep within his heart, of choosing to life. And the very second one back is Asuka, because, again, Asuka represents ultimate human isolation. Asuka represents the strongest will to live out of anyone. Asuka is driven to suicide when the external validation she had set up fails around her. But then she sets up her own internal ones. And now, now, she is the girl who screams, “I don’t want to die,” the girl who declares to her enemies that she’ll kill them all, the girl who reaches for the sun and is laid low by powers outside of her control.

But LCL? Perfectly within her control. And thus she exits first, exhausted from the process of having to reform herself, akin to Shinji in episode twenty. Shinji notices her. Between the quantum Rei sent out at the instant of the Third Impact and the sudden appearance of Asuka, Shinji is terrified for a moment that he somehow is still in Instrumentality. Hence, he chokes her.

(*Disclaimer: I need to say, right now and right here, that I am not defending this nor the earlier choking of Asuka. Shinji is violent and misogynistic, and what he did was completely wrong. Which is part of the reason that the thought of Shinji anywhere near Asuka romantically causes my hackles to rise, because they harm one another on so many levels.)

If Instrumentality is truly over, then Asuka should be able to feel pain. And she does. After apathetically staring at Shinji for a few seconds, Asuka touches his face, indicating that she now understands his pain and that she can feel her own, confirming that Instrumentality happened but is over. Shinji stops choking her, but observe his fingers jittering over her throat here. If you watch the actual film, you’ll notice that there’s an extended shot of his fingers shivering as he decides whether or not to continue strangling her.

Interestingly enough, in this final shot, we see Shinji straddling Asuka in a manner akin to a (cis) woman straddling a (cis) man lying down. In fact, they’re much exactly mirroring the Shinji-Rei allegorical sex scene from just a few moments prior. Gender roles swapping, morphing. Becoming more attuned to their actual selves.

He breaks down crying, partially out of relief that he has rejected Instrumentality and that he is again alive, and partially out of disgust at himself. Likewise, Asuka says her famous line, “気持悪い“ / “Kimochi warui,” which can be translated as “How disgusting,” or “I feel sick.” What’s interesting here is that depending upon the translation, Asuka might actually be referring to herself, or to Shinji, or to both of them. I’m inclined to take on a more general interpretation. Asuka has this sick feeling because she has just crawled up onto the shore, reforming herself entirely via her mind from the LCL, only to find none other than Shinji with her once more. But she’s also saying it in regard to the pathetic state of humanity: herself, injured, having failed; Shinji, sobbing over her. And so on. A disgusting feeling, in general, at the proliferation of life once again.

Because that’s something else about Evangelion. Anywhere can be heaven, but not necessarily so. Still, I would argue that this is the most uplifting of all endings, because life will return to normal, and this time, Shinji and the others will be far better equipped to pursue their happiness.

If you have any questions, comments, or dissents, please message me! This was all basically a very bang and rush job, so I’m certain that it’s not perfect, and English isn’t my first language. Still, if you managed to read all of that, Congratulations!

[marshmallowgoop]

Hi goop! Love your metas on Kill la Kill! How come there is no mention of Ryuko's dad leaving any money for her? Also why didn't he leave behind a message for Ryuko explaining well.. everything to her? Isshin didnt seem to have much of a plan in case he died before her could explain everything to her. Is it ever mentioned how Ryuko transferred to the academy in the first place? How come Isshin didn't try and rescue Satuski from Ragyo? Are you a fan of Berserk?

Hi! Thank you!

I’ll try to answer the best I can!

1. Kill la Kill advertises itself as having a “lightning pace,” so little details are inevitably gonna fall by the wayside.

I did write a super embarrassing old post speculating about Ryuko’s financial situation a few years ago, though. You might find a few bits of it interesting (though, again, please note that it is super old and embarrassing):

On the one hand, I personally doubt that Ryuko ever really had money issues that would stop her from at least finding some rundown place after her father died. After all, she seemed to grow up fairly well off; though she makes it clear in episode 8 that she was never rich, she also makes it clear that she wasn’t poor, either. And I mean, her dad was living in a swanky mansion and she’s shown paying for coffee in the first ending sequence, so money didn’t seem to be a problem for her when her father was alive.

But on the other hand, we might assume that Ryuko lost everything when her house burned down. While she doesn’t seem to be totally broke with how she pays for the lemon in episode 1, she also doesn’t offer any monetary compensation for the first night she stays with Mako’s family—instead, she says she’ll help Mako from her assault by the tennis club to make up for it. Later, when the family takes Ryuko in, she’s clearly not paying any rent for it and is described as a “freeloader.” You could argue that it’s just hospitality for saving Mako over and over again or because they all are fond of Ryuko and wouldn’t accept any money from her, but it’s just as easy to argue that Ryuko simply doesn’t have the means to pay them.

I guess I go with the interpretation that it’s just the Mankanshoku’s kindness, so [. . .] I wouldn’t say myself that Ryuko’s minimal wardrobe has anything to do with not being able to afford clothes—it’s just because she has other things on her mind that she values more. Who has time to worry about fashion when you’re looking for your father’s murderer? Something like pajamas are far from a necessity. I mean, I don’t have any! Neither does Gamagoori.

I also think it’s worth noting that it’s hard to say what kinda stuff Ryuko does have. Sure, Mako describes Senketsu as Ryuko’s only outfit… but that might be because he’s the only outfit she ever sees Ryuko wearing. (Aside from the pajamas, which are Mako’s old ones.) After all, Ryuko’s back in her episode 1 outfit by the OVA, and I find it a little hard to believe that she just found something totally identical. Official (?) art also shows her wearing the jacket with Senketsu, and an addition of a pink scarf and black socks, and a yellow bikini. There’s also the tracksuit from episodes 14/15 to think about—where did she get that?

Ryuko’s carrying around a pretty big guitar case at first, so I think it’s perfectly plausible that she’s keeping all sorts of supplies in there along with the scissor so that she can take care of herself [. . .] I’ve also always assumed that the soaps and shampoos you see flying up in episode 7 are purely hers.

. . . I am curious how Ryuko got by all on her own for so long. There’s this thing she says in the second Drama CD about forgetting that she’s a high school girl sometimes, and I think that’s because she had to grow up and become self-sufficient so quickly….

2. Isshin is incredibly secretive. It can be assumed that absolutely nobody knew of his true identity as Soichiro Kiryuin—and he broke his back to disguise himself! Writing a letter or leaving behind a message explaining everything to Ryuko is something that Isshin might have perceived as being too risky. Even in his letter to Aikuro that he sent before he died, he’s incredibly vague and doesn’t name anything specifically (and I honestly wonder how the heck Aikuro ever found Senketsu):

Aikuro reading Isshin’s letter: “When I die, give you-know-what to my daughter. It’s just like dead leaves in the forest,” huh?

That said, Isshin did expect to die and did at least send instructions to Aikuro so that his plan could fall into place. Things definitely didn’t go the way he would have wanted (as you can especially tell in his regretful character song “I want to know”), but he made sure that Ryuko and Senketsu would get together no matter what happened.

Also, it’s really very speculative, but I think Isshin waited until it was too late to tell Ryuko everything because he was ashamed of his actions. That also might be why he couldn’t bring himself to write a message—no good father would want to admit to what he’d done.

3. It’s never stated in the show itself, but as I wrote in my “Things About: Ryuko Matoi” post, “At Anime Expo 2014′s Kill la Kill panel (6th post from the top), it’s revealed that from what Ryuko saw of her father’s killer, she deduced that the killer had to be a high schooled student of around 17. As such, Ryuko spent six months going from high school to high school before finally getting to Honnouji Academy.” 

4. I can’t say for sure why Isshin never tried to rescue Satsuki from Ragyo, but I’ve speculated about it in a couple of posts, probably most succinctly here:

. . . my main argument about Isshin is that he feels he has to distance himself from his kids in order to accomplish his goals. As I put it before, “he can’t win and be a good dad,” and, afraid of having second thoughts, he isolates himself from his daughters in order to ensure that the world gets saved. The less attached he is, the less he sees his kids’ faces, the less he lets himself love them, the “easier” it is to use them for his plot… even if so much of the information that exists about Isshin/Soichiro rather points to the idea that he wants to be a good father . . . 

. . . One more thing: Isshin/Soichiro does abandon Satsuki in an environment far more terrible than the environment he abandons Ryuko in—and I’ve even argued before that Soichiro essentially considers Satsuki a “lost cause” whom can’t be saved—but actually, with further reflection, maybe what Isshin/Soichiro inflicts on Satsuki isn’t out of a lack of love or trying.

Because Satsuki? She’s not left alone. Soichiro explicitly tells Soroi to look after Satsuki when he’s gone, and Soroi then introduces Satsuki to Shiro so that she could have someone her age to play with. Satsuki’s situation is horrific, but Soichiro tries to assure she has someone looking out for her—someone who could make it so she doesn’t have to handle everything on her own.

5. Can’t say I really know anything about Berserk, except that there’s a guy named Guts and the recent series has some... less-than-stellar animation....

[paulisweeabootrash]

Followup on Evangelion

This post was supposed to happen quite a while ago, but stuff happened and I forgot to do stuff so here we are.  Like I did with my Re:ZERO followup, I just wanted to come back to look more broadly at the rest of the series here instead of getting into individual episodes.  I previously talked about eps. 1--8, so this encompasses everything 9--26.

Before we get to the actual review, though, I need to tell you something bout my background, and consequently one of my biggest pet peeves.  I’m an engineering psychologist by training, and so although I’m not remotely qualified for the clinical side of things that people always associate with psychologists, I do know a fair amount about normal thought processes.  And you know what I am absolutely certain of?  Freud was wrong.  I don’t understand why we give him so much attention in intro-level psych classes, and I suspect that people often come out of those classes knowing less about psychology than they would if they hadn’t taken the class at all because they’re required to learn about Freud.  Freud was influential, sure, but that’s mainly a bug, not a feature.  He tried to develop an all-encompassing model of normal development and cognition based entirely on psychiatric patients (maybe not the greatest approach?) and ended up with a body of work so ad hoc handwavy that philosopher Karl Popper used it as an example of something “unfalsifiable” -- that is, one could not even in theory run an experiment which would prove Freud wrong, because there are no specific observable results that Freud’s theories couldn’t produce an explanation/excuse for like some kind of game of research Calvinball.  He maybe deserves to be mentioned as one of many “founders” of psychology, but really, unless you’re in a class on the philosophy of science or the early precursors to actually scientific mental healthcare, I cannot understand why we think he’s worth discussing in any detail.  Do we start chemistry classes with a week on the ancient Greek elements of earth, water, air, fire, and ether, and test students on the final on the theory of how those elements interact?  No?  Then why do we start psychology classes with a week on Freud’s theories and test students on the final on defining the id, ego, and superego or the psychosexual stages of development?

Why is this relevant?  Because the second half of the series gets frequently and intensely Freudian.  Some people draw parallels between Asuka, Rei, and Shinji and the Id, Superego, and Ego, and yeah, okay, I guess so, but I’m willing to accept that as a character dynamic that works well.  Then, in the backstory episode about the establishment of NERV, we get exposition about the three-part Magi computer system being different aspects of its creator’s personality, which is pretty hard to not see as another id-superego-ego set.  My real issue is with the psychosexual angle.  Misato, for example, can’t stay way from her ex Ryoji, but also repeatedly compares him to her father, including immediately after an off-screen (but voice acted) sex scene.  There’s an entire out-of-body experience episode where Shinji, temporarily merged with his Eva, directly experiences his own subconscious desires for sex and praise that all boil down to “he misses his mother” (who is filled in for, in a way, by Misato here, as she is the person who brings him back out of the Eva into the world and the first person he encounters when “born”, if you will... and of course in true Freudian fashion, she appears as one of his possible sexual partners in the out-of-body experience).  And I just... hate that aspect of the show and need you to know it.

That is not at all to say I haven’t enjoyed and appreciated the rest of Evangelion, though.  The angels, varied and bizarre, are one of the best uses of the monster of the week format I’ve seen in any show.  Their capabilities are poorly-understood even to those shown to be experts in-universe, and they are a genuine threat to the characters.  Serious injuries to pilots and Evas alike are common, and the number of implied or explicit civilian deaths and the amount of damage to Tokyo-3 and NERV HQ escalate dramatically.  They are, ludicrous technobabble explanations aside, a truly and horrifyingly alien opponent, whose motive is not even revealed until about halfway through the series, and whose potential impact (ha!) remains hidden to the main characters.  Those revelations come up organically in dialogue that establishes how secretive and how deep into mad science NERV truly is.  Blah blah spoiler spoiler, suffice it to say that Misato is not well-filled-in on what exactly NERV is doing, and learns some things from Ritsuko and Ryoji that have pretty disturbing implications about the capabilities and direction of their technology.  All the while, the “Human Instrumentality Project” looms in the background, mentioned but not explained until the very end when it is put into action.

Our main trio of pilots experience some character development that, again, I find very believable for teenagers thrown into a level of both danger and responsibility that they can’t handle.  Asuka’s arrogance and competitiveness turn from quirks into tragic flaws as she recklessly tries to prove herself to be the best Eva pilot, and are also revealed to be part of a more complex and general need to prove herself to be serious and mature.  (Not to mention, she is infuriating precisely because, again, she’s realistically written... her mixture of resentment and longing for Shinji and her wildly age inappropriate crush on Ryoji both remind me of people I used to know.)  Rei, who has never known anything but NERV’s single-minded dedication to making her a pilot (and who, like Shinji, is a victim of Gendo’s abusive parenting), starts to have the first vaguely normal human relationships of her life.  And Shinji tries to run away again, but I promise, it’s different this time.

No, that last one’s not in there as a joke -- I think this is an important turning point.  In ep. 18, Gendo remotely takes control of Shinji’s Eva to force it to do something Shinji refuses to do.  Shinji is understandably horrified by this, not just because of the violation of his autonomy or something but because of the terrible thing he has now experienced doing (remember, pilots are neurologically connected to their Evas and share their sensations), and in the next episode, in a burst of sheer hatred for not just his father but all of NERV, he quits again.  Most of the other characters still treat him as running away due to weakness or indecision, like they did earlier in the series, but he has a reason now.  They are falling victim to a “boy who cried wolf”-like problem, reacting to what they have come to expect from Shinji rather than to his actual motive.  He is persuaded to return in order to protect his fellow pilots who have become his friends, and then the next episode is that infuriating out-of-body thing, but the fact remains that this shows Shinji has grown across the series, from acting out of fear of and/or familial obligation to Gendo to acting out of a desire for praise (see ep. 12) to feeling like he has an actual role and mission to play.

Meanwhile, it becomes clear that Gendo really is the sinister mastermind he appeared to be.  While his colleagues in the shadowy council -- called Seele -- attempt to rein him in, and he theoretically is responsible to a chairman of that organization, the real power is with Gendo and the sheer amount of mad science he can muster under secretive or outright false pretenses.  And... wow, there’s not much I can say about that, because there’s not much I can say about episode 19 and beyond without revealing backstory the show wants to keep secret until this late.

What I can say, though, is I think the show fumbles hard on its late episodes, even before the notorious original ending.  Up to this point, I thought the show had been improving in general in its ability to tell an interesting story, but it dives back here into the same problem I had early on where it’s difficult to tell how much time has passed within or between episodes, and that creates more of a problem this time around for the basic ability of the audience to empathize with the main characters.  Perhaps this explains why there were alternate Director’s Cut versions of these specific episodes?  (I don’t know because I haven’t seen them, and they’re apparently only available to English-speakers on the 2004 “Platinum Collection” DVD release, and I am not paying the $120+ that eBay sellers want for them.)  I suppose it’s possible that the unsatisfying endings of our main cast’s arcs are intentional, and reflect how pessimistic Anno himself, and his initial description of the show, were, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with a downer ending per se, but episodes 21-24 don’t manage to land them for me.  Asuka fails at the only thing that makes her feel valuable, Rei has her tenuous human connections and her means of maintaining them if anything happens to her taken away, Misato realizes maybe NERV has been the bad guys all along, Shinji finally shows agency and makes an important decision for himself but immediately regrets it... all of these clearly should be tragic, but they just didn’t make me feel as sad for those characters as I know I should’ve.

Asuka’s brief and mostly-offscreen abandonment of NERV in the face of her plummeting confidence, the introduction of the Fifth Child, Kaworu, and Ryoji’s sneaking of secret information to Misato all are great plot points that could have had dramatic conclusions, but they all fell flat for me.  The episode focusing on Rei at least makes sense in tying together many things implied by previous episodes, and fills in or confirms some things we’ve already seen.  For example, it confirms the existence of literal souls in this narrative universe, so now we know to take certain aspects of Shinji’s out-of-body experience -- the loss of sense of self, and the feeling of having recontacted his mother’s soul -- as literal rather than just a storytelling device to display the Freudian subconscious, and the angels’ ability to make direct mental contact with people by this point certainly seems to be literal magic, not some sort of exotic biology.

But episodes 21-24 in particular feel like a rapid-fire dump of partial ideas with the dramatic pauses in all the wrong places -- exemplified by the minute-long still shot as Shinji decides whether to stop the final angel from [spoiler] that changes the scene from tense to absurd.  It is, in other words, paced poorly, and this isn’t just bad news for individual episodes, but for the ability of events to matter to the audience.  I also expected to have something to say about the gay content in ep. 24 that the professional internet commentators are obsessed with talking about (specifically, talking about how much Netflix screwed it up with a very small translation change), but that aspect of that episode in particular was overshadowed for me because the show just failed to show enough of a relationship building between Shinji and Kaworu for it to mean anything.  Even with the “love” to “like” change, I end up coming away with the impression that Shinji has a crush on Kaworu (whether Kaworu feels the same or just doesn’t get how normal people interact), but that doesn’t mean much when their entire series of interactions seems to be over less than a day(?).

And so we come to the two-part finale.  With no more angels to interfere, the Human Instrumentality Project begins.  We first see our pilots suffering separately in their own despairs and doubts, Shinji and Asuka both suffering from needing to be needed, Rei wanting to die permanently this time but afraid now that it’s finally an option.  The Project apparently forces direct contact between everyone’s souls, though, and we see how the exposure of feelings we do not wish to express or even think about can be even worse than isolation.  Misato and Asuka both totally break down upon directly encountering Shinji’s soul and involuntarily sharing their most upsetting and embarrassing memories with him.

Or, well, that seems to be what Shinji’s getting from them, anyway.  We don’t actually know what they’re experiencing, I guess, since we quickly learn this is only Shinji’s personal experience of Instrumentality.  He, and implicitly everyone else, is stuck in his own personal incorporeal world having an internal argument and trying to navigate an entirely new way of existing not constrained by the physical world.  The visuals themselves meanwhile regress to sparsely-detailed still images, then to storyboards, then sketches, before suddenly popping back to full animation as Shinji experiences another “possible world”, a frankly hilarious couple of scenes reimagining the show as a school life comedy.  Shinji begins to untangle what he thinks of himself from what others think of him, and is instructed by visions of his friends and colleagues that, among other things, conventional associations between concepts are just that -- conventional associations -- and they don’t need to mean to him what he thinks they’re supposed to mean.  Then this fascinating mindfuck of an ending, which up to this point I have been genuinely enjoying enough to forgive its Freudian jargon, crashes to a halt with the resolution that he just suddenly accepts himself, abruptly.  And then everyone clapped.  The end.

I feel let down, because it just sort of feels like Anno wanted very badly to resolve Shinji’s misery, but just whiffed on how to pull it off.  “Just stop hating yourself”, even given some sort of amazing supernatural opportunity to do so, is a bit too “have you tried not being a monster?” of a resolution for me.  I’m not asking for realistic therapy in my anime, but maybe there was some better way to show him changing his entire outlook?  And then I feel let down again because I finally remember that we cut to this abruptly and are totally ignoring what Instrumentality is doing or will do to everyone else, something that is such a wild shift that it is certainly the end of the world as we know it, to zoom in on just one person’s inner conflict in a very surreal way for two entire episodes.  So... yeah.  That was Evangelion.  Yup.  It was a solid sci-fi (or... sci-fantasy, I guess) premise that went in interesting directions, although not always executed well.  I appreciated it, and I would be interested to see how it has been repeatedly remade by its own creator.  Just, uh, not right now.

Come back soon for a third post about Evangelion, which will be a headcanon and/or questionable interpretation that probably nobody wants or needs but which I feel compelled to share.

[dent-de-leon]

If you were to take the information we have now, and write the entire rest of vld, how would you write it? Not as someone who ships things a bunch or has any bias or anything, but purely doing what's absolutely the best thing moving forward in the show. What would you do & what would be your primary focuses? (Again, not your ideal dream now- ideal for the show and to do justice to it's plot & characters.)

I mean, it’s kind of hard to say what would be “best” for the narrative from my perspective since it isn’t my story and I might be misreading things and not really see what it is the creators really want to convey. Since “what would you do with everything” is a huge question, this will basically be centered on characters and there development. But anyway, just from my own point of view, I guess here’s a few things–would move forward with the idea that Kuron is a clone. 

I’d give him an arc where he struggles with identity issues and feeling bond to the empire. Throw in some mind control because that explains the headaches and things, but I’d have him fight it. Ultimately, when he realizes he’s a clone, he runs away to find out more information about Operation Kuron for himself (while ensuring he’s far enough away that he can’t be used to spy on or unknowingly hurt Team Voltron). Have him eventually sever his mind from the galra and be welcomed into the team as one of their own, becoming the Ryou of VLD. 

On the other end of the spectrum, I wouldn’t give Lotor a redemption arc. I might be too influenced by older series but like, I just don’t feel like he could pull it off. I also don’t think he wants to. I imagine he’ll occasionally work with Voltron or even the BOM, but I don’t think their goals will ever properly align. He has his own agenda. Redemption arc also implies you admit you’re wrong, and I don’t think Lotor is at any place right now to feel that way. Even when the series ends, I don’t think he’ll feel like “one of the good guys,” more like someone who did what they believed was necessary and still remains a very guarded person.

Hunk needs another character focused arc, since the Balmera was quite some time ago. I’d like some followup on the potential of him being a diplomat that the writers had mentioned–and he was recording alien lines in one of Bex’s posts I think, so it seems that’s very possibly in relation to that? Hunk is interesting because he’s very amicable but also doesn’t trust others easily, he has good intuition like that. But the Balmera arc has also cemented his motivation as a character. He wants to help free others from Zarkon’s control. I’d like to see some more followup on that angle too, either freeing prisoners or leading revolts. Because that’s clearly something he really cares about. Hunk’s kinda faded into the background lately because he wasn’t involved in the lion switch, he doesn’t have a clear link to the galra empire like Keith, Pidge, Shiro, or Allura, so. It’d just be nice to bring him back to the forefront a little. 

The fact that Allura says she doesn’t really understand her magic on Naxzela, in fact what she says specifically–“I haven’t been trained.” Okay so, let her train. Let her go on her own personal quest to find a mentor. Maybe one of the Alteans survived–hell, maybe Pollux exists in this universe and Romelle has similar enough powers that she can teach her. Or maybe one of the druids goes rogue and tries to teach Allura what they understand about magic and can theorize about other Alteans’ use of it. But let her have a proper teacher, let her learn, let her discover more about her people and her history. She was a princess, so why wasn’t she trained in the first place? Were there some aspects of her magic Alfor didn’t want her knowing about, and if so, why? At any rate, I think Allura deserves to know what it is she’s dealing with and have a fair chance at mastering it. Figuring everything out yourself can not only be extremely difficult, but also very isolating. Let her have some support there. Keith got to train with the BOM, I say let Allura train with another Sacred Altean (I believe that’s what Coran called them?)

I know everything worked out very well with Pidge finding Matt, and I’m happy for her. But I can’t help but feel like things will not turn out quite so well with her dad–and if the garrison is in on the galra empire’s dealings to some extent, she might discover some things about her dad she’s not proud of, and quite frankly, I’m Scared of it. That aside, I think Pidge will do more copiloting with Matt, and I’d also like to see her work alongside her brother with the rebels a fair bit. As for Pidge’s own journey, I think she’s done a lot of self discovery already. I like the path she’s on right now. If anything, I’d maybe like to see her grow more in tune with the rest of the universe like the olkari taught her, maybe expand a bit more on that philosophy and what it means to her. Interestingly enough, at the end of the day, if anyone is still a paladin (or something like it, depending on whether or not the Lions still exist) I think it’d be Lance and Pidge. I’d like to see the two of them continue to explore the universe and defend it together.

So on the note, let’s talk a bit about Lance. I’ve mentioned lots before how much I love his parallels with Alfor, and I think that’s very much where we’re headed. To me, that’s who Lance needs to be. Not the Black Paladin, not the leader of anyone. But someone who can carry on the legacy that Allura entrusted him with. His strength as a character was in learning to put others above himself and do what’s best for the team. That moment was really integral to him, and I think as time goes on he will continue to head down that sort of path. He needs to learn to see the bigger picture, to embrace his role as someone who’s strong enough to steady others rather than just focusing on himself. 

Allura didn’t tell anyone else about her very personal connection to the Red Lion, Allura never said Keith was like Alfor, Allura never told anyone else the significance of her armor. She’s the one who helps Lance embrace his new role, and Lance in turn is the one who welcomes her to the team. So to get into that other part of the question about not putting bias on ships into it, it’s kind of hard not to, since the two things I really ship are also the ones that I see as most prevalent in the narrative and puts these characters’ best interests at heart. Lance is still so clearly in love with Allura. And when she smiles at him softly, or he tells her she’s the heart of the team and believes in her enough for her to awaken her own inner power, like–I think they’re meant to be. 

They each help each other balance out their own insecurities and have grown incredibly supportive and protective of one another. I also think Allura feels like she’s able to be more open with Lance than the other paladins right now, seeing as she told him so much personal information about herself and her own beliefs. That sort of comfort doesn’t come easy, and they are growing very comfortable together. When Lance rushes to her side on Naxzela and helps her stand, lets his hand linger on his back a moment, she doesn’t pull away or feel offended by it (and we know from episode 1 she’d have no problem saying so). Instead, these types of things are comforting gestures. I think they’d be very good for each other. (Also on the topic of ships, just put me on record saying Hunk and Shay should be a thing. I think that’s a given.)

Also, would like more backstory about Coran personally, and maybe some flasbacks of him and Alfor. Let him and Allura mourn more and let them have those moments to just stop and breathe. I’d also like some sort of parallel to the original storyline where Coran believes his wife and son died but then his son sort of returns and that’s a whole thing. I think a more serious character focus episode like that would be good for him.

So now, let’s get to Keith and Shiro. Because the thing is, their stories are inexorably intertwined. If Keith’s been trying so hard to save Shiro, only to find out he’s still missing Shiro, well–I can’t imagine that would play out well. And I’ll just say right now, he’d be the one to either find or save Shiro. He has to, because that’s how the narrative sets it all up. Keith is the one who will never abandon Shiro, who puts his absolute faith in Shiro, who would go to the ends of the universe and back again just to stand beside him. And it would be remiss to mention them without noting that a great deal of the overarching story revolves around the theme that Keith will always be there to save Shiro, no matter what. This is it for him. No going back. “As many times as it takes.” 

This would also serve to mirror two different storylines. Firstly, there’s the original Golion, where Akira (Keith) tried to save Ryou Shirogane at the very end. And in fact, when forced to choose between him or Voltron, he chooses Shirogane. Ultimately, Ryou disagrees with that choice and ends up getting himself killed, and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. You know, kind of like how it seems Keith would always choose Shiro over everything else. This singleminded dedication also mirrors Zarkon choosing Honerva over the rest of the universe. Both Keith and Zarkon are galra Black paladins who have sworn to do everything for the person they love. And whether you read Keith and Shiro’s dynamic as romantic or not, there’s certainly enough very intentional parallels with zaggar to indicate the former.

Also, going back to the question of what’s best for the story, and if we consider the possibility of lgbt representation–noting that Lauren said anything they intended for it was already there in that first season, then I think the thing that makes the most sense is sheith. Lines like “Your friend desperately wants to see you,” “Nothing was worth Shiro’s pain,” “How many times are you gonna save me before this is over?” “As many times as it takes,” “It’s good to have you back,” “It’s good to be back,” “This one’s for you, Shiro,” “Shiro was the one person who never gave up on me, I won’t give up on him”–they’re all very powerful. And incredibly intimate. To me, everything about their dynamic, including deep buildup and parallels, really lends itself to a more romantic relationship. To me, that suits the story more than it doesn’t. (And from a bi guy’s perspective who also struggles with the pushing intense emotions and relationships away like Keith, his side of things in particular really resonates with me.) 

It’s also worth noting that this isn’t just a one way thing, and Shiro very much saves Keith as well in his own respect. He was Keith’s anchor, he was there when no one else was. He can trust himself to be vulnerable with Keith without fear, he can take solace in that comfort that still comes so easily. He can let his walls down around him. He can show signs of “weakness” and Keith will never think any less of him, Keith will still insist he’s the leader they need and it’s Keith who gives him more of that spark to keep fighting. They’re always validating each other, can seamlessly work together. And the fact that they alone formed Blazing Sword, Voltron’s greatest weapon, is a testament to their bond. 

So anyway, if I can just return to this idea of Keith needing to save Shiro, or vice versa–thematically, I think it’s very important that’s the note Voltron ends on. Because Keith is someone who’s always suppressed his emotions, who’s been led to believe it’s easier to be alone than be hurt by loving others. And then you have Shiro, who now fears he’s a weapon, a monster, someone fundamentally unfit to lead or even unworthy of being a paladin. Someone who seems more afraid of letting others in, who keeps his walls up. And then you have Zarkon’s fate–this cautionary tale about how you have to make harsh sacrifices, about how loving someone too fiercely can be dangerous and even your ultimate downfall. That you have to think about this abstract “greater good” over personal loyalties. 

But here’s the thing. Keith and Shiro can’t fall into the same trap as Zarkon. As the new generation, they have to be able to surpass their predecessors. And ultimately, Keith and Shiro should be able to save each other without the rest of the universe coming to some great cost, without losing fundamental pieces of themselves. Rather than being doomed by love, for Keith and Shiro, I think that will be their salvation. For them, I think that’s the lesson that they need to learn. That Keith doesn’t always have to suppress his emotions, that it’s okay to love. It’s okay for Shiro to let himself be vulnerable again, it’s okay for him to lean on others when he needs it–the way Keith always did with him. Neither of them have ever seen the other as a monster–even with Keith’s galra blood and all the galra have done to Shiro, even when Shiro and Keith were both so afraid of themselves. It’s a way to escape this vicious cycle set by both the old Voltron series and VLD Zarkon’s legacy alike, and I think it’s the kind of message that’s best to relay. 

[walsiegirl]

You don't have to answer this question if you don't want to, but it's been bothering my mind quite a bit lately - how did you come to your conclusion in believing Geoffrey to be innocent in his case? I'm not judging or hating, I'm just curious. This is all coming from a fan new to him and his work, who really admires him but is feeling unsure. Again, you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable. I've looked at both sides and I'm just very, very confused as to what the truth really is, so I figured getting an older fan's perspective would help me understand anything I might be missing. Thank you in advance.🙏

Hi Anon! Sorry it took me a while to get back to you, I’ve been away and stuff.

This is a tough one and there honestly isn’t a right or wrong answer; it’s absolutely fine to be unsure and I cannot say one hundred percent he is innocent, nor can I say he is guilty. The way the case was initially reported was unfair to both parties, and they both went through essentially a trial by media, with others jumping in either with their own accusations or opinions, before anything really came to court. From a legal perspective, yes Geoffrey has won his case against the newspaper as there was, to over simplify it, little evidence to the contrary, which was a relief for those of us who have always admired him. But does that mean he hasn’t done anything wrong at all? It’s truly impossible to say.

When I very first heard about the allegations, I was confused, devastated and I wondered if I had got him completely wrong from the start. It’s taken time, reflection, and coming to terms with the fact that even people one admires may fuck up some times (some bigger than others) to help me feel, if not sure about things, then at least able to come to terms with it all to a degree. So straight off, I’m sorry I can’t give you a definitive answer, but I can ramble around the points that are central to the reason I still feel able to enjoy his work and the memories he gave me.

Firstly, I think Geoffrey Rush has enough integrity as a person to own up if he’s fucked up. Again, I’m going on my gut, it’s fine to disagree with me and people will. When presented with the allegations, he denied them, but he also stepped down from any positions of responsibility he felt he should not hold whilst being under scrutiny, and also apologised to former co-stars if he had made them feel uncomfortable with his work methodology. That isn’t him being silent and not acknowledging the problem, it’s taking a stand to start to work through it without being arrogant enough to go on as normal. It’s about starting a discourse.

Rolling on from that, I think the “making co-stars feel uncomfortable/sexually harassing co-stars” is probably the area of contention. I don’t personally feel or believe that Geoff would intentionally go out of his way to demean, oppress or harass people - again I am open to being proved wrong, this is just gut feeling and intuition - but Geoffrey is a naturally cheeky, playful, possibly even controversial character who I could easily see pushing boundaries in professional spheres - perhaps being overly extravagant, overly touchy-feely, overly jokey. This could easily make people feel uncomfortable and harassed. I think sometimes it can be too easy when you’re successful to become complacent and forget that not everyone is onboard with your ways of doing things and ways of being, with your self confidence and ego. A lot of people, myself included, are very good at being polite and tolerating things they find uncomfortable because they’re too worried/scared/tolerant to say otherwise. If you’re faced with an A-list actor who has a lot of clout, then by all means you may feel unable to speak up about feeling uncomfortable or not enjoying the way they treat you or work with you. It’s like being faced with the person at work who has been established at your company for a long time and is being overly familiar with you - do you dare tell the boss their favourite is too much for you? Probably not, you want to keep your job. And this kind of power imbalance may be where the issue lies.

So you are saying the allegations are all true? you’re probably asking now. No but I can easily see where there are lots of grey areas in this debacle rather than two black and white possibilities of guilty and not. Things may have been taken out of context or blown out of proportion - or not, who knows? When you’re acting and in close bodily contact with other people, and in theatre/film/tv this is a constant, there is a high risk you might touch people inappropriately. Was there true harassment in this instance, or were actions misjudged? Were comments said in jest, in humour, in affection misconstrued as creepy and inappropriate, or was that their real intent? When you only have two contrasting views, it’s impossible to know the truth. Also everything an individual experiences is relative - what one person may feel is harassment, the next may think is a funny joke or not even notice. This is where consent and communication come in - it’s important people, particularly those in positions of “power”, check in on their other halves/colleagues/co-stars once in a while to make sure everything is ok. If there isn’t trust and communication, then you end up with dumpster fires like this.

So what else can I ramble about? 

People fuck up. All the time. The difference with being accused of fucking up when you’re an A-list Oscar winner is that the whole world will know about it and lynch you for it, regardless of your guilt, and the internet is very good for spreading information quickly, both truth and lies and everything in between. Though it is fine to hold people to account and question accusations, it’s worth remembering that we all have fucked up in our lives; not all to the same degree, and some things it is utterly fine to not to forgive someone for, but I think one of the reasons I came around about things was that I can think of a few occasions in my life where I have royally fucked up, and if I had been famous I would not have lived it down. As I’m not famous though, the fuck-ups were resolved to a greater or lesser degree and now are mostly forgotten - except by me who can never forgive myself and will think about it until I die. I guess I just realised that I cannot judge because I have been a dick in my time, too. It’s not an excuse, I’m not trying to say that fuck ups are excusable if they have happened, but again there has to be a point where we move on or else we just get stuck feeling suicidal and not being able to recover. The important thing is to make amends and face your mistakes if they have been made. Can we let celebrities fuck up and come back? Depends on the fuck up of course, and sometimes it may be they lose their liberties, they need to regain trust, but sometimes there can be rehabilitation and success again - like Robert Downey Jr.

And though positive past conduct does not mean a person will never do or hasn’t done wrong, a lot of people who have worked with Geoff either as a co-star, or have directed him, etc, have voiced their support for him and enjoyed working with him. On a personal note, I will always have ridiculously positive memories of meeting him and writing to him. It’s a totally different kettle of fish to working professionally with him, of course, but I can’t forget that during the 2000s he used to like to keep a distant eye on the discourse between his fans online; he liked to know if his fans would be at such-and-such an event, and he even brought me a promo book about The Golden Age as a thank you when I dragged my arse down to Norfolk in the UK to see him at an event in 2007; he often felt more friend than celebrity to us. He was polite and curious, asked little questions like what you studied at university, what dog you had, what your username meant. He was exceptionally trusting of us, too.  And I just remember how chill he could be - I remember him texting his wife when a group of us met him in NY after his play there, or he’d step out for a smoke, and you’re like that’s a normal person, he’s checking in with his fam, doing his own thing, but he’s still got time for us. He was always a down to earth, friendly guy, beyond generous with his time and we all as a fan community felt appreciated by him. It was beyond cool. And I can’t forget that kindness, the fact he made me feel that I mattered. His benevolence has naturally garnered much loyalty in me.

And finally I also ask myself, if this was a family member, or a close friend, would I abandon them in bad weather? And the answer is no. Even if they fucked up badly, you help family and friends get through things, you help them rehabilitate, you support them making amends, and support them making reparations to anyone who has been hurt or wronged if need be. When I have fucked up, I haven’t been abandoned; yes reprimanded, yes cowed, but I’ve been given the opportunity to make amends and bounce back.

So long answer is, there is no answer. I have never affirmed or denied his innocence or guilt because I can’t. It has to come down to gut feeling in the end and trying to weigh up the mass of information and misinformation. It’s about invading the professional and private lives of people we probably have no business looking into. It’s about understanding that celebrities are just people, and they can potentially fuck up as badly as we do, but they may also be innocent of accusations like we can be too. It’s accepting that we can’t know any truths unless solid evidence is presented either way. So at present, I will continue to enjoy his films, his tv shows, his legacy, and appreciate everything he ever did for me either directly, or indirectly through his work. But I am also open-minded enough that if any hard evidence ever presented itself to the contrary, there may come a day I need to reappraise my position. But hopefully he is true to his word and to his success in winning his case, and he can work toward recovery and potentially even acting again, though the blow has been great, both to him and his accuser. He may never work again. My greatest fear is that if he is genuinely completely innocent of everything, then he has had the greatest joy in his life taken from him. I try not to dwell on that too much.

I hope that diatribe helps. It’s the elephant in the room that is hard to acknowledge but no one can tell you how to feel about it. It has to come from your own heart and soul. I also appreciate there are many other elements to consider but I can’t possibly cover all bases. It’s probably worth saying that I have been a victim of being groomed by a man so I understand the importance of women or vulnerable peoples having a voice, but that doesn’t necessarily mean every accusation against men is true, either.

[starksimaginationcreations]

Ascending Sensations of Madness

Borderline  Personality Disorder &  Depressive Bipolar Disorder

Feb 20th 2021

There are sharp spikes on both sides of this personality of mine. The middle is the safest part for all the people I care about. I feel empty most of the time. There are constant thoughts of people dying, leaving, and abandoning me. A Lot of people have already. The emotions are very uncontrollable, feelings of sadness and frustration fill my emotions quickly forming into an irritable state of mind. It's different than most believe. The urges to do and make dangerous decisions are at a mild rate at this point in time. These times, I feel insecure about myself. The low self esteem drops to the point of suspicious thoughts and insecurities. The romantic gestures no longer feel sincere but more of a way to convince a wall to cover what reality really has in store. Relationships are more difficult because of these insecurities.

Temptations of self destruction tug at my thoughts when looking at anything that could bring on a sensation of torment. Pointed or shredded instruments and utensils, far drop offs, hot fires, a bath full of water, cables and more. All of these create different scenarios that could be used in the process for death. They suffocate me until that is all that can be thought about. As if waking in the mornings was not already hard enough. Trying to keep the temptation to not let go of the steering wheel and slam on the gas while driving with imaginations of aiming for a tree makes me guilty. Only the universe could choose the right answers to these delirious fascinations. That wave of unexpected emotional misery lurks up and right behind it, dissociation, at remorse, and paranoia. You would make judgement,  my family, job, life, and friends should be worth living for. They are, to a normal mentally secure human being. The emotional senses of a human with BPD does not work the same and this hatred for my own self is just the beginning.

Let's have a couple hours, days or even weeks pass by.. Lets allow these feelings and thoughts to fill up the sand jar. After already making some sad decisions of my own. The alter ego decides to show her unwanted face. Normally, once or twice every month. She only shows her face a few times during the long dreadful days. A good friend, a secret admirer, someone with an emotional connection, someone who brings her discomfort, dislikes her or someone that angers her. These are all triggers to bring her out. The switch is quick most times but other times she likes to make me suffer. The depression gets so overwhelming that I start to take out my frustrations on the ones I love and care about the most. Pushing them away to the point of making enemies.  This is not something I have been dealing with for a small amount of time. She has been with me since I was very little.

My mother dealt with me in my absolute vulnerable states, when this dark mental resemblance of myself first started coming out. The parents believed it was because my father left us when I was 3 years old. The role of our uncle who wanted to touch my sister and I in inappropriate ways. I was between the ages 4 and 7 when the man would stay awake all night when we spent weekends at our fathers house just to stare at us in the middle of the night. He would play with solitary cards for hours waiting for us to fall asleep. I grew up with two sisters, my oldest sister did not seem to be bothered by our predator. He would make indecent remarks toward her and touch her in ways she felt uncomfortable. He would do the same to me in my sleep. This could be the cause of my mental disorders that I currently suffer with. 

At twelve years old, in middle school, I hated every inch of skin on my body. Puking, a ridiculous trend back then to become skinny. This boy wouldn't break my heart if I was skinny enough for him. Digging razors, knives, and other sharp objects into my skin and covering up with sweatshirts even when it was the middle of 80 degree summer air. My mother knew something was different with the increase in layers. She never spoke about it until she had received a call from the school. That girl ratted me out in seventh grade. I showed her my demons and she betrayed me by deciding that I needed help, to use her own authority to tell the school nurse that I needed my arms looked at. She was supposed to be my friend. I confided in her about my demonic state. She broke faith with not only me, but the adjusted ego as well. I was very immature these days. Which in return made that part of my intelligence young and vulnerable as well. She was furious with this girl I thought was my friend. She quickly turned into an enemy.  I still remember her name, what she looked like, her personality, and how close we were back then. That was until she became a traitor. I hated, envied, and blocked her from ever returning back into my life. 

My Sister, good thing she had a better mental stability than I did back then had her own issues and nowadays most of those are mental disorders as well. I over think about the possibility that I could have been the reason to cause her such distraught with much bad anxiety. She watched me put a knife to my throat after an argument with my mother. My mother cocooned in her room as I sat at the Kitchen table with tears running down my cheeks. Emotional situations have always been very intense for me even more dramatic with the people I care about because I don't want anyone to leave. My sister was just fourteen to fifteen years old, yet carried herself as if she was my mother. She taught me to tie my shoes, ride a bike, helped me with homework and more. She wrote me a note that night sliding it onto the kitchen table .  Asking me what I was going to do with the sharp item. Begged and persuaded me to put it down so she could talk to me. She was resilient in her endeavors when I became the alter ego of my natural self. When I couldn't find my way back to reality, she was my “grounder”. Always seemed calm, collected and filled with pride or joy. Adulthood can really change someone to the completely opposite person than the way they had been raised.   

I had no friends around that time, she was my only friend. She was the “Favorite Person” that I attached myself to effortlessly. The little notes that she slid under the doors when she knew I could not keep in touch with reality. She was the person who brought me back to realization.  These were the days when I had no idea how to handle this demoniacal version of myself. I acted on Impulse. And yet, everyone thought I was just in my emotional teen years. No one offered to get me help at such a young age. Maybe if i had gone sooner, I wouldn't be as bad as the way I am today. Maybe, I would know right from wrong. There are a few symptoms that I have noticed that connect my inner personality and the Disorder at hand in perfect sync patterns. Self Harm, whether it is physical or emotional, Attaching myself to one specific person, detachment of my own self, self destructive decisions and or psychotic behaviors.  

The constant body shaming and foreign face that stared back at me in a mirror reflection, always smirked with evil intentions. How could I possibly explain this to anyone? They would never believe that I had an alter ego, willing to do the most unpredicting things with my life choices. Sometimes, I get delusional, that girl in the mirror would disappear leaving me completely vulnerable, to make decisions on my own. I would call back to her inside my thoughts. It was as if I couldn't live without her. I got used to her being there, making those hard decisions with me while she was still in the back of my head, she was the main decision maker, the brave mindset out of us.  No one can make a decision on their own without their subconscious mind giving them that extra push.  She made life exciting, adventures got shorter, nights got longer, sleep became less and less by the night.  The presence of this ego sat back and listened silently, gawking at me, stirred over every decision I decided to make on my own. Situations are difficult to make as it is. Getting judged by your own self image makes things even more intense.

As the emotions built and stacked onto of each other, I kept my intentions occupied.  At fourteen years old, the boy I thought had loved me, decided he was going to have all of me. To make that decision at 14 years old while my arch nemesis drilled me with pain instead of words was more than just a task in itself but also a nerve wracking challenge. I had no words to say. I was stuck way back in my head behind a dark veil.  The reason I allowed it to happen? It was a self destructive decision yet felt as if the situation had absolutely no bad qualities or traits. Acting out in revenge toward our individuality was not in the cards during this situation. 

I believe I deserved all that was good in this relationship.  Me and this boy had established already, the outcome of this situation couldn't be that horrible. If anything the outcome would  have been beautiful. This ego that held me at my weakest and strongest moments lead the way to our destination.

Just moments after the events took place, devastation quickly approached.  The boy rejected me. He spoke words of abandonment. Telling me we could no longer do anything like the situation that just occurred because he had a girlfriend. After taking my innocence this boy had just created the most emotional piece of this state of affairs. My childhood best friend and I had known each other since diaper days had turned his back toward me and left me on dirty sheets in a stranger's territory. I was in shock, another friend had to inform me once more about what had just literally happened in front of me.  He was done with me. He used me for his own indecent pleasures. 

My whole body attempted to filter sadness, hurt, confusion, abandonment and anger all at once. I had intensified the emotions with double the force. This in turn revealed ascending madness crawling up my body. Goosebumps covered my skin as I began to feel physical pain run its course through my limbs.  My whole body ached and I locked myself into a dark room way back in my head. I didn't know what was about to happen now all I knew  or felt was aggression, irritation, overwhelming sadness and the nightmare that I had just lost one of my best friends.. 

That was the very first time ever that I felt the alter ego take complete control of my impaired vision and bodily functions.  This was the Personality Disorders first mixed features in the flesh of me. In the mirror once more,  I continued to bury myself in that dark subconscious whole, barely watching from the veil. I wanted a complete shut down. A release of pressure from my heart made me fall to my knees weeping with a chest pain so intense I could barely breathe. My gasps were deep but it still felt as if I had received no oxygen. A once loud and obnoxious house currently held nothing except deadly silence for what seemed like hours, but in reality was only ten minutes. 

Soon enough, I crashed.  I focused my anger on myself by punching the walls multiple times, screaming until my throat became sore, my eyes bloodshot from the physical pain that these emotions had led me to believe was real. Reality began to escape my mental reasoning, bashing the back of my head against the wall in attempts to stop it from talking to me, over and over it would not quite long enough for me to gain some sanity. I slammed my fists into my thighs repeatedly, trying to feel any other type of pain that would take my attention away from this agony at hand. The waves of hatred from my fists transformed quickly into a pulsating radiation of euphoric sensations that spread up my arms, physical pain was the only sensation that stole me from the hurt.  From my head to my toes,  strong desire for adrenaline, passion, lust, adventure, eroticism, endorphin, excitement, pleasure, a way to completely forget. 

I wiped my face off and glanced at myself in the mirror. Rushes of every single devious intention that my other half had been convincing me for so long to indulge in had hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. A sensation of empty darkness filled my soul. The psychosis between me and the second person I had created in my head so long ago had come to an agreement for once. Merging into one specific personality fused together by both Good and Bad characteristics. The feeling was warm and heated my blood and bones right to the core. The tears finished falling from my eyes as my reflections laughed out loud in a psychotic demeanor. This would be the part in a movie that the audience would watch in confusion as the disorder gets complicated. The feelings of worthlessness, depression, dissociation, anger, frustrations, heart ache, physical, emotional pain that made my whole body ache and lash out just moments ago had manifested itself into a dysphoric mix of mania. At that exact moment in my life was when I knew I was going to need help some day. That making it past the age of twenty five was not going to be in my cards.

Although, I am only one person and now the age of twenty three with a mental disorder that allows active emotional reactions to devour my every characteristics and personality. This experience, hazardous to say the least, knocked at my subconscious mind and allowed blood to spill, tears to shed and emotions to raise high enough to cause physical pain to my entire body. Confusion and paranoia filled my head and recognition that the disorder was only going to get worse. That it was even a disorder,  was the last thing I thought about, help was the last thing I cared about. I just simply wanted excitement and a feeling of pleasure to cover the scars that had been recently reopened.

Things were never the same after these days. I became rebellious and it was even worse than before. I had one night stands with strangers, and used people that I cared about as leverage to get what I wanted. Allowed people to treat me in ungodly ways, including the boy who turned my once innocent ways psychotic. I allowed him to cheat on other girls with me, to use me only for sexual desires as a self -destructive punishment for myself. I used drugs to an excessive point, drank more, partied often to escape reality. I started skipping school to indulge in adult conversations and unhealthy relationships. Classes that I found interesting at one point in time became irritating and only ended in the frustration I would let loose with the actions spoken about in the sentences above. I lashed out for no reason, spit, cussed, screamed, cried, hit, disrespected people who only tried to be there for me. I was not myself and reacted out of frustration as a result that I even missed my own identity. This person was not me, she was an elongated unstable mental state of mind that was almost impossible to control.

A life stigmatized and misunderstood from a mental health condition and its devastating effects can be found in a thousand patients.  Those who exist in a world where no matter how loudly they scream, no-one seems to hear their voice.  Now, in the present time, it has been 8 years since those events occurred. I still to this day struggle with the everyday emotions. physically and mentally. I got diagnosed with these two disorders only about half a year ago. Living in the mind of a stranger my whole life with only help from a school teacher. She must have done a good job because I'm still here living, breathing, and fighting the demon that feels like it's gaining more and more power.

On top of my growing BPD, lurks another unfortunate disorder. This one is a difficult one for me to accept. Even as a child when someone would make a comment about it, it had rage and disgusted me. This disorder is not  a mental disorder but a mood disorder to say the least. This irritation is called Depressive Bipolar Disorder (DBD). There are many different life, family, relationships, work, and other initial habits I need to start coping with. Learn to control my own sense of anger and accept the fact that I need help.  

When/ If I begin to act strange, someone whether it's a family member, stranger, significant other, etc., they normally do well to call me out on my decisions . Others who know of my name but not of my personality, give  judgmental faces with mean looks on their faces. They seem inviting on a normal day, but a day when I don't even recognize myself is the hardest for me. There are times I feel amazing in my own skin, whereas other days I feel sloppy and I watch myself in a judgmental way so why wouldn't they to? On the good days I can put my mind to multiple things and achieve them quickly in a timely manner.  Jumping from one thing to the next. 

My head prefers to make plans before my self conscious mind these days. For she still has some control, I don't lash out nearly as hard as I used to. More emotional distress than anything to the point I would like to rip off my head or tear the hair from my scalp. Those are the days I need more reassurance of my worth, to know that I'm not just a waste of space trying to get by. The thoughts won't be going away soon of course, and emotions still hurt like physical pain, my body still becomes one within its encounters with unexpected situations. I still seclude myself from an audience every time I get the chance to.

 Sometimes I worry about if they had diagnosed me incorrectly considering I would rather flood my own mind with low self esteem than make a fool of myself out of anger in front of a crowd. The good part of the whole situation is that during hypomania you're excessive. I had been told to take advantage of that quality of my disorder.  Be excessively open to new people and experiences because recently, I have become very distant and cold with the ones I care about. I've lost all of my actual friends.  Not intentionally on my part, but pushing people away is also a very high quality in my lonely personality. Furthermore, resourceful and useful for others rather than emotional support. I have a few grounding techniques when I'm feeling that I'm going to bounce back between the lows and highs, that include my art, writing, music and to be alone. Yet I am told not to allow myself to be alone to the point of comfortable silence by my phycologist. 

Still I require medical assistance for the unstable mind set I am capable of releasing, if I can just muster up the will power to go and express myself to a complete stranger before anything else is to happen without my control.

  Created By, Khloe Lea ❤ᓚᘏᗢ