#he has another appointment on monday to get it changed again but i think my moms gonna be like I Need To See The Vet

[blackmoldmp3]

big dog is having a tough post surgery time so far

[tgmsunmontue]

With our pets, a house becomes our home

5k Hangster MeetCute (Explicit, but not very by my standards). Bradley is the vet (DVM) that Jake takes Brisket to after he adopts her and moves to Corpus Christi to be a flying instructor.

I started this fic before I saw @yeagrave's art, but this post is 100% Jake's lockscreen (and those are a set of Jake's spare dog tags).

                Monday mornings generally suck. The people who have left their pets wellness until normal business hours because they didn’t want to pay the extra emergency fees. He quietly judges them. This Monday sucks more than most though, because he’s covering another vet on what is meant to be his day off. But he doesn’t want to make the admin staff have to reshuffle the thirty or so appointments that he now has facing him in a long gauntlet of monotony. Hopefully there will be something interesting that pops up.

                He deals with the standard checkups, listens to heart murmurs, administers vaccines, makes notes for the techs, gives instructions about diets he knows get ignored by owners who think they know better. He has to change his scrubs when a dog vomits on him and yeah… he wants his day off back with a deep burning passion but pushes through. He can shower and blob when he gets home and bitch and moan to his friends. They can compare Mondayitis stories and see who comes out worst.

                He steps into the waiting room, and there’s only two people left, one a woman with two kittens in a carrier, and the other a man cradling a puppy. He’s only got one left for his ticket today, and it’s a puppy so okay, at least he gets to look at a cute puppy and a cuter guy.

                “Brisket?”

                The guy blushes and Bradley can’t help his smile getting bigger as he gestures toward the consultation room.

                “Uh, hi.”

                “Hi, I’m Bradley. What brings Brisket in today?”

                “She needs a general checkup, and I wanted to register her with a vet since I moved here in the weekend… She needs vaccines I think? And to be fixed? And I wanted to ask some questions?”

                “So she’s here for the works… can I have a look?” Bradley asks and the guy blushes again, looks down at the tiny bundle who looks back at him adoringly and Bradley has a thing for guys who like animals. Couldn’t be with anyone who didn’t like animals, wouldn’t feel like he could trust them. He hands the puppy over to Bradley and he handles her gently, lets her lick and sniff at him a little before lowering her to the examination table.

                “Tell me about how you got Brisket,” Bradley says, running his hands down the little body, grinning as she happily licks his fingers, tail wagging enthusiastically. She’s very sweet. Most guys like having big dogs, so he’s genuinely curious as to whether this guy chose this dog, or if he’s here at the bequest of someone else. Girlfriend or boyfriend maybe. Purely out of professional courtesy.

                “Uh, I’ve wanted a dog for ages. Finally getting settled in one place for a while so I figured it was finally time you know? So I went to the shelter in San Diego, not really intending to adopt then and there…”

                “She’s a rescue?” Bradley says, and he’s a little surprised. Because if they’re not big dogs then they’re usually little dog breeds, so some hybrid-cross-breed that some breeder thinks will be in demand. This little thing hadn’t looked like any breed he was familiar with, but there’s so many new ones and he’s not usually up with them all.

                “Well yeah, of course. She just had such a friendly personality you know?”

                “She is very sweet natured,” Bradley agrees, because the guy is clearly besotted with his puppy, and it’s adorable. He listens to her heart and lungs, takes her temperature and soothes her through the discomfit.

                “So did you have paperwork showing what she’s already been vaccinated for? Most shelters give you adoption paperwork?”

                “Oh, yeah, they did. One second,” the guy says, pulling folded pieces of paper out of his pocket and handing them over. On the top of the paper are all the details of the dog, and then down the bottom the details of the new owner. Jake Seresin. At least he has a name now.

                “Okay, so she’s all up to date with all the vaccines, she’ll need to come back in six weeks for a booster. And we don’t do on the spot spaying or neutering, you’ll have to make an appointment when she’s a little older. Try not to let her out unattended, because we don’t want to be adding to the puppy population, regardless of the fact that she’d no doubt make gorgeous babies…You a first time dog owner?”

                “I grew up on a ranch, had lots of animals. Horses mainly. Well, beef stock. But lots of working animals, not pets. She’s my first.”

                “Well, you made a good choice. She’s got a lovely temperament. Nice and healthy,” Bradley states, laughing as she tries to chew on his thumb and he reaches for a dog toy from the jar. “Okay, so she’s going to be mouthy, she’ll want to chew on things as her adult teeth come through. You might find a couple of puppy teeth lying around but they usually just swallow them. It’s all normal. You have any questions?”

                “Uh…I… um. Made a list.”

                “Sensible,” Bradley says, and this guy’s adorable intensity is commendable, he wished more owners thought to ask their vets the questions rather than trusting Google.

                “You’ve, uh, already answered a few of them actually.”

                “That’s good, what else have you got?”

                He asks about diet and exercise, sleep and routines, anxiety and separation and toilet training and Bradley answers them all, writes down a few notes and links to some reputable websites. Recommends a puppy obedience course, steers him away from problematic dog toys which can cause more harm than good. The appointment definitely runs well over the time, but it’s his last of the day and he’s got nowhere else he’d rather be, and after the day he’s had this is a nice silver lining.

                “Anything else I can help you with?”

                “No, I think that’s it. Thanks so much, it’s really helped.”

                “You’re more than welcome. I guess I just have a question for you now.”

                “Of course, what is it?”

                “I don’t usually do this, but you want to grab a drink sometime?”

                “A drink. Like…A date?”

                “Yep.”

                “Yeah. Yeah I’d like that.”

                “Great, let me get a card.” He grabs a business card, usually reserved for when he goes to conferences, carefully prints his personal cell phone number on the back and hands it over. “I look forward to hearing from you.”

…             …             …

                Jake gets back to his house and immediately lets Brisket out into the back garden, looks at the little rectangular piece of card and puts the number into his phone before he loses it. He puts the name in as Bradley but then follows it with the flame emoji, followed by the guy with the moustache and then the dog emoji. That’s enough to remind him of who exactly Bradley is. Not that he thinks he’s going to need the reminder.

                He spends some time looking at the websites Bradley has recommended, sends an enquiry about the puppy obedience classes. He’d already made an appointment for the booster shots and for getting Brisket fixed. Definitely doesn’t want to wait that long before seeing Bradley again. He grins. Only in town for five days and he’s got a guys number. Without even trying. Phoenix told him a puppy would help him make friends, that he needed as much help as he could, maybe she was onto something.

Hi Bradley. This is Jake. Let me know when you want to do that drink. I don’t start work until next week so currently free as a bird.

                It’s not too late, and it’s been a couple of hours. He’s not going to play hard to get. He’s never considered himself hard to get when the guy is as attractive as Bradley is, and he’s never been one to play games or overthink setting up dates or hookups. He’s hoping this is maybe more than a hookup.

I’m free most evenings. Tomorrow? Dinner?

                Jake grins, likes the idea of dinner even more than a drink, it’s a good sign; sends a message back, organizing a time but asking for recommendations of where they could go to eat.

…             …             …

                They settle at a table and quickly peruse the menu before placing orders with the hovering waitstaff. They’ve made superficial small-talk about the weather and how Brisket is doing, but he’s hoping he can find out more about Jake himself.

                “So you’re new to the area?”

                “Uh yeah, I guess. I lived here a while back but am back for work.”

                “And what do you do for work?”

                “I’m in the Navy. An aviator,” Jake says, like he’s a little unsure.

                “You’re shitting me…” Bradley says with a disbelieving laugh, because he’s had a guy tell him he was a naval aviator before. Except he hadn’t been and the lie had quickly bitten the other guy in the ass when Bradley had quickly realized and called him out on it. It had been a shame because Bradley had genuinely liked him.

                “Why would I lie?”

                “Well, some guys think it’ll sound impressive…”

                “Isn’t it?”

                “Well… maybe to some guys,” Bradley concedes.

                “Not you?”

                “No. Not to me. I’m more impressed you adopted a rescue, travelled across country with it and care about your puppy than what you might or might not do for your work.”

                “Most people care that I disappear for months on end. Or have a thing against the military in general.”

                “Huh,” Bradley states, realizing that that was maybe where his hesitance had come from. “I’m used to people being away for long periods,” Bradley states. Jake raises an eyebrow. “Sorry. I’m just… I was a Navy brat. Sort of.”

                “Sort of?”

                “Yeah. Grew up on bases, spent most of my life on them. We probably know some of the same people, if you’re actually a naval aviator…” Bradley says, still giving him an out, because maybe this guy is not realising the hole he’s dug.

                “How do you figure?”

                “My dad was a naval aviator, and until very recently my godfather was also a naval aviator, although he’s recently retired. Although I don’t think the Navy will actually ever get rid of him. He’s pretty entrenched.”

                “Yeah, what’s his name?”

                “Pete Mitchell,” Bradley provides, and Jake’s immediate response makes him relax a little. That’s definitely recognition of the name.

                “Maverick? Mav’s your godfather?”

                Bradley opens his mouth, snaps it shut again. Not just recognition but more than that. He's calling him Mav. Of fucking course he knows Mav, and he hadn’t used his callsign so this guy is legitimately a naval aviator.

                “You know Mav huh?”

                “Yeah. He’s… damn. He’s fucking insane but so good. He was brought in to train us and he’s just… that good.”

                “Don’t let him hear you say that. His ego doesn’t need to be made any bigger.”

                “He deserves his ego, he’s fucking legendary.”

                “You sound like a fan.”

                “Yeah, I guess I am. He’s… worthy of fans.”

                “Yeah well, he’s my godfather. So there you go.”

                “Wait, are you little goose?”

                “Oh god…” Bradley groans.

                “You are!”

                “Yeah yeah… this is quickly losing the date vibe.”

                “Sorry, I can bring it back to that,” Jake says, and his hand is suddenly resting on Bradley’s, warm and dry, fingers stroking the back of his hand.

                “Yeah, think you better or you might strike out…”

                “Wouldn’t want that…” Jake says, and his eyes are dark and amused and Bradley feels a little thrill at being the subject of his intense gaze.

                “So, you’re an actual naval aviator.”

                “Yeah, no wonder you aren’t impressed if you grew up hearing about Mav’s exploits. Fuck.”

                “Trust me, I find you plenty impressive.”

                “Good to know,” Jake says, his smile clearly pleased. “I’m one of the new flight instructors. Have a three-year stint here and Kingsville unless they need me for something special.”

                “Nice. Do you like teaching?”

                Their conversation changes as they talk more, discussing what their upbringings were like, their families, respective careers, all of Bradley’s current animals, favorite food and drink. It’s easy, their humor similar and gently teasing at times, making laughter come easily. It’s one of the best first-dates he’s ever had and it’s not until there’s a polite cough that he looks up to see the rest of the restaurant is empty, the waitstaff having clearly cleared up and are now just waiting on them. A quick glance at his phone tells him it’s nearly midnight and his mind bugs out a little.

                “Shit, sorry. I guess we got caught up talking.”

                “It’s fine.”

                He grabs the bill, leaving a generous tip for keeping them and tells Jake he can grab the bill next time, which has him murmuring next time huh under his breath, close to Bradley’s ear as they walk close together as they step outside. There are only two cars left in the lot and he guesses the staff must park somewhere else. He walks Jake to his car, only a few yards from his own truck.

                “I had a really good time tonight…” Bradley starts.

                “Me too. Wouldn’t mind doing it again…”

                “What are you doing Saturday?”

                “Having dinner with this hot guy I just met…”

                “What a weird coincidence, so am I…”

                He shifts forward, eyes searching Jake’s face to make sure there isn’t any hesitation before placing a gentle kiss on Jake’s mouth. He pulls back slowly, his lips quirking in amusement when Jake quickly gives him another kiss back, slightly firmer and longer and he feels the flicker of warm anticipation come to life in his belly. Potential something.

                “Don’t suppose I can tempt you to come back to my place?”

                “I’m definitely tempted, but I’ve got to get home. Dogs.”

                “Oh yeah, of course.”

                “Bring Brisket on Saturday. She can meet the pack…”

                He doesn’t want to mention that Jake could also bring all her gear, as well as a spare toothbrush for himself.

…             …             …

                They’ve been messaging since dinner on Tuesday and Jake feels completely settled into his house now, he’s driven to both Corpus Christi and Kingsville to familiarize himself with the routes. He’s taken Brisket to her first puppy obedience class, figured out the most convenient grocery store. All week he’s been looking forward to Saturday, packs some things and leaves them in has car, so if he needs any of it they’ll be close at hand. If it’s effectively a sleepover backpack for him and Brisket that’s between him and Brisket.

                He pulls into the drive of the house address Bradley had given him and looks at the tall fence that surrounds the back garden, can already hear barking and he looks down at Brisket who is sitting there, ears pricking forward at the sound of other dogs. He gets out, grabs her bag of stuff and carries her toward the house, glad she at least seems curious about the barking rather than terrified. He rings the bell, eyes widening at the sudden increase in barking and then Bradley is there, smiling at him behind the wavy glass of the door. Immediately the barking ceases, although there is a small yap, and then the door opens.

                “Hi. Come on in.”

                “Hi. Uh. Are you sure she’s going to be okay?”

                “Trust me, if anything she’ll rule them with an iron paw… feel free to put her down.”

                Jake doesn’t particularly want to, but Bradley is looking expectant, as are the five dogs who are all sitting and waiting obediently. He knows they aren’t all Bradley’s dogs permanently, that he’s fostering three and dog-sitting one, but he can’t remember which one is which. Most of the dogs are normal sized, one is huge though, and he wishes he remembered which one Bradley said was his. Then a cat walks in and insolently stalks in front of the line of dogs and collapses at Bradley’s feet.

                “Curtiss,” Bradley states, waving a hand at the cat with a sardonic sigh. The fact that none of the dogs have moved, except one, the largest, whose tail had started wagging enthusiastically makes Jake feel more confident about putting Brisket down. She is nowhere near as disciplined as any of the other dogs. Hell, the cat is probably more disciplined than Brisket, despite the fact it is a cat and takes direction from no one. Understandably she runs from him to Bradley, then to the cat, then back to Jake, then takes turns running to and around each dog and prancing playfully, like she expects them to play with her.

                “I’m going to give them the release signal and it’s going to get chaotic, but just trust me okay? They’re well trained.”

                He believes it, but sure enough in less than a second there’s barking again, six dogs suddenly all barking and then they’re running and Brisket is chasing after them and Bradley grins at him.

                “I gave them the signal for outside. Brewster is too big to not be well trained, and he generally gets all other dogs quickly following his lead.”

                “What kind of dog is he again?”

                “A Leonberger. He was surrendered to a local shelter because the owners couldn’t afford to keep him. He eats a lot. He went unadopted because of the costs associated with feeding him, raft of potential health issues as he aged and because he had zero training. I’ve had him for five years now.”

                “He’s massive,” Jake says, and he knows he’s stating the fucking obvious but when Bradley had said he had just the one big dog, he had never imagined this. He’s pretty sure Brisket is the size of one of his paws.

                “Yep. But as I said, he’s very well trained. I work with him every day as well. Come on, I promised you dinner.”

                “You cooked?”

                “I did, but it’s only one of the five meals I can make, so don’t go thinking I’m accomplished or anything.”

                “As long as it’s edible.”

                He takes the offered beer, watches as Bradley dishes out some pasta dish along with some garlic bread and then directs him to sit at a high bench on bar stools rather than at the dining table.

                “We don’t want Brewster putting his mouth into our food, at least up here we have a slightly better chance of protecting it.”

                “I thought you said he was really well trained?”

                “Not when I’m eating food. All bets are off if I’m eating.”

                Jake laughs and just like it did on Tuesday, conversation flows easily. Bradley can follow his work talk easily, obviously used to Navy talk because of Mav, his own work stories are equal parts hilarious and terrifying. He’s attentive, giving Jake his full attention and he finds he likes that a lot more than he thought he would. They finish dinner, Bradley quickly stacking his dishwasher before feeding the dogs. He watches as Bradley holds their attention before giving them the signal that they can eat and he can’t help but be impressed. He’s pretty sure Brisket is only going to have to look at him and he’s going to cave to her every whim. He does try and look like he’s not a complete soft touch in front of Bradley as he feeds her, but he doesn’t think he succeeds.

                They go into the back lawn and throw balls for the dogs, starting an elaborate game of keep-away for about twenty minutes before Bradley offers him dessert. He wants to ask if it’s Bradley himself on offer but doesn’t, instead takes the bowl of fruit and ice-cream and makes himself comfortable on the sofa, apparently safe from Brewster as he’s afraid of the scent of fruit. There’s a collection of boardgames, none of which he’s familiar with so he asks about them and learns that it’s another of Bradley’s hobbies.

                When they’re finished he follows Bradley back to the kitchen, notices it’s much quieter, almost dark outside and there’s no more barking and he looks around, suddenly anxious.

                “She’s just over there…” Bradley says, his lips twitching with a smile and Jake’s not sure if he’s laughing at him or… oh. That’s fucking cute. Brisket is curled up on Brewster, she’s somehow managed to climb up the almost mountain like body and curl up on top of him. He grabs his phone and snaps a photo, and then a few more because one is never going to be enough.

                “She’s all tuckered out… You going to wake her up?”

                Jake looks up at Bradley’s tone, and his eyes are hooded and Jake feels an immediate jolt of arousal spark through him.

                “No… she looks far too comfortable. Think I need to go to bed too…”

                “Yeah?”

                “Definitely. Show me the way…”

…             …             …

                They’ve not talked about what they’re doing, not in the actual physical and practical sense. Not in terms of sex and he’s definitely been raised in a house with the rule of if you can’t talk about it you shouldn’t be doing it. Which actually only goes so far when you really don’t want to share details of your sex life with your surrogate parents, or hear anything about theirs. He does agree in principle though, and there’s only one way to find out. Conversation hasn’t been difficult between them so he doesn’t expect this to be awkward either. He shifts slightly so he can rest his head on his hand while his other hand runs up and down from Jake’s shoulder to his hip.

                “Anything you don’t like?”

                “Uh…”

                “Anything you do like? Or prefer? I’m easy…”

                “Lucky me.”

                “Can I touch?”

                “Yeah…course.”

                Bradley lets his hand rub Jake’s cock through his underwear as he kisses him, enjoys the feel of Jake’s body moving against his hand, body and mouth. Jake’s free hand runs through the hair on his chest, then his shoulders, down his arm before there are blunt nails digging into his ass; then finally a large palm rubs his cock far too fleetingly to be anything more than a frustrating taste before it starts back at the beginning.

                “This okay?”

                “Yeah, look, if you do something I don’t like I’ll say something okay?”

                “And if I do something you like?”

                “Actually, you could work on that a little bit more…”

                He kisses him hard then, grinds their hips together and palms an ass cheek in his hand, holding Jake tight against him.

                “Yeah, fuck…”

                He shifts, pushes Jake back to lie on his back and then straddles one of Jake’s thighs. He runs both hands down Jake’s naked chest, leans down to kiss him again, hands on either side of Jake’s shoulders. Jake looks good, is confident with it, Bradley can’t help but find it attractive. He shifts a little, Jake’s hands are all over, hips lifting up to try and rub against him and Bradley would tease him for being impatient but he is starting to feel the same.

                Their breathing is getting shallower, and he kisses over Jake’s collar bone, licks a little into the slight dip in his clavicle and assumes it’s a little ticklish from the way Jake laughs a little. He runs a hand down Jake’s side, his mouth moving down his chest but his eyes are on Jake’s neck and mouth, muscles taut and mouth open as he breathes harshly. He’s clearly given up waiting for Bradley to pay attention to his dick, has his own hand rubbing himself, occasionally detouring to rub Bradley’s dick as well. He moves his mouth over Jake’s pectorals, sucks gently at one nipple, wanting to know if this is something Jake –

                 “Fucking hell,” Jake exclaims, body jerking up as if electrified and Bradley pulls back immediately.

                “Good or bad?”

                “Good. Do it again …”

                Bradley grins and seals his mouth around his right nipple again and sucks, flicking his tongue over the harder nub of flesh in his mouth and Jake’s entire body arches again and Bradley can’t believe how good he looks. How good he feels.

                “Fuck, why does that feel so good?”

                “Lots of nerve endings…”

                “It was a fucking rhetorical question…”

                He snorts, lowers his mouth back and presses down with his lower body at the same time, wants to give something for Jake to grind against, push him toward climax. Jake is reading his body easily, his hips angling slightly to thrust against the juncture of his thigh and hip, hands both on Bradley’s lower back urging him closer, pulling him down and Bradley lets a little more of his weight press down. The moan Jake lets out is gratifying and he reaches a hand between them and presses harder, feels the dampness from where he’s leaking pre-come.

                “Lube?”

                “No, I like it a little, uh, rough… you go ahead though, if you want…”

                “Nope, I’m all good…”

                His lips are red and swollen and Bradley wants to make him look like this all the time. He runs a finger under the elastic of the underwear and then Jake’s hips are up and he shifts back and out of the way. Watches as Jake pushes them down and he can’t actually get them off with the way Bradley is half-kneeling over him, one thigh between Jake’s legs. He shuffles down the bed. Drags his hands down Jake’s legs, tugs the underwear off before moving back up, placing gentle kisses on knees, thighs and hips before he licks up the length of Jake’s cock, kisses the head and lets his moustache scrape against the skin gently. Jake is shifting, clearly wanting to move more but holding himself back and he’s got far too much control for Bradley’s liking.

                He wraps his hand around Jake’s cock, a little firmer than he would usually, but Jake had said he likes it a little rough. He jerks it steadily, watches as Jake’s eyes squeeze shut, mouth opening in a silent gasp and he keeps going. It’s been a while, but he knows how to multitask and he wants to hear and see what will happen next. Knows getting Jake off is likely going to make him come as well. He settles his mouth over the same nipple he’d sucked before, and it’s a little pink, and he sucks again. The resulting words from Jake’s mouth are nonsensical in between loud gasps for air and what he recognizes as his name. He doesn’t say anything, can’t really, with his mouth busy sucking intently. His hand has sped up and he’s resting a fair bit of his weight on Jake’s leg, partly pinning Jake beneath him and his cock is hard and leaking. One of Jake’s hands is fisted in his hair, holding Bradley to his chest and then his whole body goes taut like a rubber band being stretched before it snaps back and then Jake is coming all over his hand and he gentles the sucking to more gentler licks and swirls of his tongue because it’s most likely going to be a little bruised.

                 “Ungh… fuck…”

                He doesn’t bother moving very much, just shoves his own underwear down enough to take his cock in his hand and jerk himself off, hard and desperate to come, no need to try and make it last longer or hold back. He moves enough to kiss Jake and he feels a hand try to come and help him and while he appreciates the intent it isn’t something that is even a consideration right now, he’s too close and he doesn’t need much…

                “Bradley…”

                Yeah, that’ll do it. He comes with a groan, his come joining Jake’s on his stomach. He rests his forehead against Jake’s neck while he tries to steady his breathing. Their breathing is the only sound he can hear outside of his body, heartbeat pounding in his ears, waits a moment before he lets out a long shuddery breath and kisses Jake on the chin.

                “You okay?”

                “What’s that saying, ask a stupid question?”

                “Get a stupid answer…”

                “Yeah.”

                He grabs some tissues, passes the box to Jake and they wipe themselves clean and he feels fantastic, hopes Jake feels similarly. He kisses him, takes the dirty tissues from his unresisting fingers and lies down beside him.

                “Stupidly okay. You?”

                “Yeah. That sounds about right. Damned good for a first run…”

                “Mmm. Imagine what it will be like when we’ve got a few more test runs behind us.”

                “Always room for improvement.”

                “That’s very true… I’m just going to go and let the dogs out but I’ll be right back. If you wanted to stay that is?”

                “Yeah, staying sounds good. Just… uh. Brisket normally sleeps on the bed with me.”

                “Think she’s found a new bed.”

                “Lucky for me I won’t be lonely I guess.”

                Bradley grins.

…             …             …

2 MONTHS LATER

                He’s running a little late, but not by a lot. He’s messaged both Jake and Mav to say he’s running a bit behind due to a surgery requiring a bit more time. He walks into the restaurant and spies them sitting at a booth near the back, tells the hostess he’s with them and raises his hand in greeting as Mav is standing to give him a hug.

                “Bradley!”

                “Hey Mav, good to see you,” Bradley says, returning the tight embrace.

                “Good to see you too. You’re looking good. This is… Jake.”

                Bradley leans down and gives Jake a kiss, takes his time and licks into his mouth.

                “Hi.”

                “I hope you don’t meet everyone that way…”

                “Only my boyfriend Mav,” Bradley says, laughing. “You didn’t tell him?” he asks Jake.

                “Nope, one of my joys in life is keeping him on his toes,” Jake says, grinning at them both as they sit. Mav is rolling his eyes and huffing, but Bradley can tell he’s a little pleased. At least he knows now why Bradley really didn’t care about him inviting someone else along to dinner.

                “How long has this been going on?” Mav asks, looking between them with interest.

                “Couple of months,” Bradley provides.

                “You move fast,” Mav says to Jake dryly.

                “What can I say? I know a good thing when I see one.”

                “Plus Brisket loves me.”

                “She does have exceptional taste.”

                “Much like her owner. Although don’t you get the names mixed up? Brisket, Bradley and Brewster? There’s definitely a theme there…”

                Jake blinks, looks at Bradley and he just shrugs.

                “We could get a couple more pets and name them Brownie and Bruno and you’d have the whole set.”

                Jake laughs, eye brow quirks;

                “Sounds like a plan.”

[wildemaven]

A Cut Above

Pairing: Frankie Morales x Hairstylist!Reader

WC: 2680

Warnings: T; Mentions of food, divorce, lots of pining and fluff otherwise.

A/N: I wanted to write a Hairstylist!Reader story a few years ago, but l wasn’t feeling super confident about my writing and just never got around to it. In the last few months I’ve had this urge to get back behind the chair again, which is what sparked this fic. Still haven’t decided if I will get back into doing hair as of yet, but I can enjoy writing about it. This is not beta’d and hope it reads well cause I’ve been run low sleep. Enjoy!!

Masterlist / Series Masterlist / Next

“You done for the day?”

The question pulls you from your thinking. It’s an organized chaos of mental notes streaming through your subconscious.

“I wish. I have one more then I’m done. It’s a new client too. So I’ll be a bit longer.”

“Color?”

“No, thank god! I don’t think my feet can take another 2 to 3 hours more.” The day was filled with back to back clients— a typical Saturday in the salon. Your clients who worked long hours, were always filling up your Saturdays. “Just a cut. Benny made the appointment for him, said his friend was in need of a change— very vague about it”

“Mmm.. Benny.”

“Earth to Hannah!! Gonna need you to touch back down girlie.” Hannah was the salon receptionist, and Benny Miller’s secret admirer.

“Huh? Oh sorry, got a bit distracted.”

“You don’t say? You know, you could just ask him out, would probably be way more exciting than sitting there and daydreaming about him 24/7.”

“I do not daydream about him 24/7–“ She tries convincing you, but you know her far too well. You shoot her a pointed look— you’re not buying it. “Okay! Alright, I do think about him— a lot! But I can’t help it, he’s so…”

“Pretty?” You finish her thought.

“Yeah. He’s so pretty.”

“Well, I have it on good authority that said Pretty Man Child Benny, might have an itty bitty crush on a cute little receptionist. So, put your big girl panties on and make a move.”

Benjamin Miller— Benny, was a long time client of yours, turned friend. He was in your chair every 5 weeks maintaining that gorgeous head of hair. Gotta look good for the ladies when I’m in the ring— his words.

As the years went on, you found you were collecting Benny’s friends and family as clients. His older brother Will, Will’s wife Nicole, his close friend Pope (still haven’t heard his real name), as well as Mom and Dad Miller. Benny kept your chair busy and you were grateful for that.

He’d text you on Monday saying he’d had a friend who was needing a cut, something about a fresh start. He was in luck because you had one spot open, so you scheduled some guy named “Fish” as your last client for the week.

“Wait really?! He knows who I am?!” Shock was written all over Hannah’s face.

“Hannah, you greet him every appointment— of course he knows who you are.”

“I think I black out the minute he walks through the door.”

“That would explain the drool every time.” You can’t help but laugh at her expense.

She rolls her eyes back at you as she gathers her things from the front desk. “Alright, I’m going to leave before you decide to carry on with this onslaught of nonsense. Going to go home and pour myself a glass of wine in celebration!”

“Celebration?? For what?”

“Benny Miller knows who I am! And he has a crush on me!!” You let her bask in her glory, as she all but floats to the front door.

“Hannah…” You catch her attention before she’s exits. “Text him! Preferably before the wine.”

“Yes mom!” She mocks back at you before the door swings shut.

*

You had 15 minutes until your appointment would be showing up, so you took the time to clean your station up a bit and set up for his hair cut.

Your shears, combs and clippers laid out on your hair cutting tray, clean cape folding on top of your station.

As you were checking over your schedule for next week, making a list of colors you needed to pick up from the beauty supply, the front door opened welcoming your client— your very handsome client.

He looks nearly 6 feet tall, and so broad. His hair is dark chestnut from what you can see peeking out from under his hat. There’s a casualness to him in the way he carries himself— a shy confidence.

“Hi! You must be Fish.” You give him your name as you make your way up to him, extending your hand out in greeting. His rather large hand gripping yours, firm but a gentleness to it.

“Did he really tell you my name is Fish?! Fuckin’ Benny.” He shakes his head, as if to fain off embarrassment. Shoving his hands in his pockets he starts laughing about it. “Yeah, he did. I am assuming that’s not actually your name though. Although, not judging if it is.”

“No, my name is Francisco Morales, but you can call me Frankie.” You notice the flush creeping up his neck— you make a mental note at how gorgeous he is before you get caught staring.

“Okay then, Frankie. You can come on back and have a seat here at my chair. Feel free to put your hat on my shelf there.” Helping him get situated.

“Let me go grab a clean towel and then we can chat about what you are wanting.”

Frankie sits himself down and starts to take in the space. You seem very tidy and organized as he glances over at your tray of cutting tools. He right away decides he likes that about you. Benny didn’t mention how beautiful you were when making him this appointment. He said you were pretty but he wasn’t expecting to be overwhelmed by how stunning you were— he knows he has to try his best to be cool and not ramble on.

He sees you making your way back to him in the mirror, his eyes locked on yours like magnets— he notices you catching him staring, but then you give him a smile that lights up your face. There’s that butterfly sensation tickling his insides, he hasn’t had that happen in a long time, but he welcomes it.

*

Arriving back to your station you take the small towel and place it on his shoulders before securing the cutting cape around his neck.

“So what are we thinking?” You ask as you begin to run your fingers through his hair, taking in the texture, density and the shape of the cut he has now.

“Uhh, I umm… I don’t know. I’m open to your professional opinion.” He didn’t realize he needed to come in with a style in mind. His usual barber usually says “Hi” then starts hacking at it.

“That’s okay.” You look at him in your mirror, his eyes already fixed on you and you feel your breath catch in your throat.

You hadn’t noticed his dimple earlier, and you can’t seem to keep your eyes off of it when he smiles. You steady your thoughts and continue to comb your fingers through his hair making note of how it lays and it’s natural growth pattern.

“You have a nice wave going on. If we work with it and bring your sides and the back in a little tighter the top will lay nicely.”

He’s captivated by everything you’re saying, and yet he doesn’t understand a single word of it. You could tell him he needed to shave his head and he’d willingly let you, no questions asked.

“How does that sound Frankie??”

“Honestly— I have no idea what any of what you just said means, but I trust you.”

“Well, I appreciate your honesty.” You find his nervousness charming. “You won’t be losing much length overall, it will be more shaping and connecting the sides to the top.” Your hands moving around his head as you try to explain your process.

“Again— no clue what you just said.”

“Got it! Enough hair jargon then. Let’s get you back and washed up first.”

The warm water hides the sweat that’s formed on your palms as you begin washing his hair. He’s settled into the shampoo bowl, eyes closed and arms crossed over his chest in such a kicked back manner.

Your fingers work diligently as you begin to scrub the soapy liquid through his wet locks. As you spend ample time working over his scalp, you catch the sound of a faint moan. You don’t think he meant for it to sound so erotic, but it’s stirring a warm feeling with in you.

“Feel good?”

“Mmmhmmm..” It’s all he’s able to manage, your movements awakening him in so many ways, his spine vibrating with an indescribable desire.

Suds throughly rinsed, leave in conditioner combed through, you both get situated back at your station.

He seems way more relaxed, more chatty and asking questions as you go section by section, meticulously trimming away the unwanted ends.

His questions alternated between your professional life and personal— where you grew up, favorite food and what made you decide to become a hairstylist. In a different circumstance, it might have felt invasive— but there was an ease to Frankie that had you spilling your life story to him so freely.

In return you asked him for more about himself. He shared about his life in Delta Force, where he had met Benny, Will and Pope, who you now know as Santiago.

His life as a helicopter pilot keeping him busy most of the time. He even felt brave enough to mention his semi recent divorce. You didn’t feel like you needed to delve deeper into his failed marriage, especially for only just meeting him.

You shared the same sentiment in working long hours and how it had you feeling overwhelmed at times, like you had less free time for yourself— mentioning you were working on trying to have more fun and go out. You shared how your former partners were always annoyed with you for being so consumed with work, the main reason you hadn’t been dating as much.

Checking and cross checking the length, you’re happy with how it’s shaping up.

“How do you normally style your hair? What are your go to products?”

He looks at you with the most sincere and confused expression, nervous to share his routine with you.

“Normally it’s just straight out of the shower, quick rubbing of the towel over it so it’s not dripping, then toss the hat on.” Pointing to the battered hat he’d worn in.

“Frankie! If there’s only one piece of advice you leave here with, please let it be that you never aggressively rub a towel over your hair again!”

He thinks he should feel embarrassed but there’s a sweetness in the way you share your knowledge with him— he will make a conscientious effort to gently pat his hair dry from now on.

“Since you mentioned you are usually throwing on your hat, it’s probably safe to assume there’s not much actual styling going on?”

“Uh, yeah… Not much styling. The least amount of steps possible is my go to method.”

“While the hat vibe is cute, I would not be doing my job if I sent you out of here wearing—”

“You think I’m cute?” He cuts you off. That dimple again making an appearance, his grin slightly laced in flirtation.

“Umm, yes.” Your face feels hot, the blow-dryer not helping much, as you try to remain calm and collected.

“Hm!”

Grabbing some product and applying a small amount to your palm, you begin to distribute it throughout his hair. .

“But I think without the hat is cute too. Easier to see all of your,” You gulp at your next admission. “Attractive features.” You giggle as you finish styling his freshly trimmed hair, each strand manipulated with such precision— the new length really does add to his handsomeness.

“You think I’m attractive too?” He says shifting in the chair, his gaze still steady on you.

“Oh wow, I’m really just letting my internal monologue run my mouth aren’t I?”

He shrugs with the slightest cock of his eyebrows in response.

“And now would be a good time for the ground to just swallow me up!” You groan, hands covering your face as you attempt to hide your embarrassment.

“You’re cute when you get all flustered.”

“So you think I’m cute now? We just going to spend the rest of the night confessing our new found feelings having only just met?”

“Well, I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” He states so casually.

The rest of his appointment is filled with more flirtatious banter, a connection that you’re both very much aware of— yet neither of you stating the obvious

“Thank you again.” Frankie says holding a bag of products he insisted he leave with, wanting to branch out from his usual “hat vibe”’as you called it— said hat’s bill tucked into the back pocket of his already snug blue jeans.

“So… Do you want to set something up for next time?” Pulling out your schedule, hoping that Frankie likes his cut, and you, enough to return regularly. “I think 5 to 6 weeks would be a good amount of time to see you again.”

“Actually— I was hoping I could see you sooner than that.”

“Oh! Okay. When are you thinking?” Slightly confused, you start scanning over the openings you have in the coming weeks.

“Tonight.”

“Tonight?? I’m not follow— Oh! Ooooh!”

“Yeah….” There’s a budding nervous energy about him as you realize what he’s asking. “There’s this sports bar around the corner— the guys and I hang out there from time to time. Anyways, they have some great appetizers and craft beer on tap… If you’re open to it, we could, um go… Unless you have other plans…”

“Yes! I’d love to Frankie.”

“Yeah?!” His face instantly beaming with excitement.

“Yeah! Just let me clean and lock up real quick, then we can head out.”

*

Drinks and appetizers flowed into a moonlit walk back to your car— both of you stalling out your goodbyes.

“So, I’ll call you tomorrow.” Frankie says as his hand cups your cheek, his warm gaze fixed on yours. “I hope this isn’t too soon, but would it be okay if I kissed you?”

“Yeah.. I’d like that.” Leaning into him to close the gap, fingers carding through the nape of his silky waves.

Frankie’s lips all but crash into yours, the intensity growing from your own, eager for more of him. He nips at the plumpness of your lower lip, encouraging them to part for him. His tongue slipping inside your mouth and you can taste the bitterness from his beer still lingering.

A grip is established on your hip, his hand slowly moving around to your backside eliciting a breathy moan from deep with in you as the heated kiss escalates.

Laughter from a rowdy group of bystanders reminds you both of your surroundings.

“Sorry, I got a little carried away there.” Frankie rests his forehead on yours as he tries to regain his composure, his breath fanning across your cheeks— they’re no longer cold from the frigid air.

“Well, I most certainly wasn’t complaining. In fact, I look forward to you doing it again sometime.”

He places a kiss to your forehead, before exchanging goodbyes. He promises again to call tomorrow, and you’re already breathlessly excited for it.

Heater cranked up in your car, willing your body to adjust to the heat. You grab for your phone in your purse, pulling open your message app so you can send a quick text before putting the car in drive.

-Hey Benny, just wanted to thank you for setting that appointment up for Frankie. He’s a great guy! Super funny and hella charming.

-You sure we’re talking about the same Frankie?? 😉

-Funny! Anyways, I appreciate it and I’m looking forward to seeing him again!

-Oh! Hannah called, we’ve got a date next week!

-You be good to her Benny!

-Of course! No problem! Make sure you and Frankie thank me in your wedding toast 🍾🍾 Night!!

You roll your eyes at his last text before tossing your phone in to the passenger seat. The entire drive home you can’t get Frankie out of your head, wondering if he’d find you too eager to call him when you got home.

The decision made for you by the buzzing of your phone— Frankie’s name flashing on the screen.

Next

[dearfuturehusbandblog]

ZMAN CHEIRUSEINU aka "I'M the terrible communicator!?!?!?!!"

Dear Future Husband,

I hope nobody ever quizzes me on this blog because there are so many things that I've started and stopped writing that never got posted that I literally never remember what I've actually put here...

Not that that's really fully relevant to what I was thinking about writing now, but I currently have two unfinished posts in my drafts folder (amidst 25 others that will probably never get posted) that are just a recap of this year so far.

Because I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare.

Explaining what's going on right now is kind of problematic because I haven't provided the lengthy backstory yet (which is one of the drafts I have yet to finish...)

Suffice to say, MotherLivelyHeart is being a nightmare to me again.

I think I've shared before that MLH and I share a vehicle? If not... yeah, we share a car. I'll have to look through my posts to see if I've explained that situation before, because that's one more thing to check off the "my life absolutely f*ing sucks" list.

Usually this isn't the worst thing in the world because we operate on different schedules and there isn't much crossover when it comes to who needs the car when, and when there is I usually drop her off somewhere, do what I need to do, and pick her up after.

For the record, I HATE when she offers the opposite because I have a history of being abandoned in places waiting for her to pick me up and it gives me such severe anxiety.

So last week on Sunday I asked MLH what her plans were for the next day. I asked this because I overheard a phone call she received on Friday from the dentist's office about an appointment she had on Monday at noon that she hadn't told me anything about and I knew if I was going to ever find out she was going to take the car, I would have to be the one to ask her. So I asked. And wouldn't you believe it, she had a dentist appointment on Monday at noon! Shocker.

Now, I'd been out of work since the beginning of January (again, details will hopefully be in another post) so I had a lot to take care of at work last Monday and I told her that.

We agreed she would have the car for her appointment and I would take the car to work when she got home.

Come Monday afternoon, suddenly everything has changed.

You see, her boss called in sick and she had the day off because she has a specific job that requires her to work alongside her boss and if he doesn't work, she doesn't work.

So she had the day off. Joy.

Of course, did she tell this to me directly? No.

Did she message me this information? No.

I'm just supposed to approach her and ask, "hey, did your boss call in sick and give you the day off?" I guess.

So she went to her appointment and ran some errands and called me while she was still out. Apparently some specific water bottles she can only get in like two places were available at one store about 20 minutes away from our house and she placed a pickup order so she could get them before they were sold out. The order had to be picked up between like 2:30-3:30pm and she called me at around 1:30.

Great.

She picked a pickup time that was directly during the time I was supposed to be at work.

Which she knew.

Because I told her this literally the day before.

So I told her fine. She should do the pickup order and when she got back I would take the car to work.

"Well, I also wanted to go swimming."

*Deep breath* Ok, what time is swimming?

"From 2-9pm."

At this point I didn't know how long I'd be at work because one of the things I had to take care of could be like 4-6 hours and I didn't know if there would be enough time when I was done to get home and let her get to the pool with enough time to swim before they closed.

"Ok, well why don't you go swimming, do the pickup order, and then I'll take the car to work?"

"Well, I want to come home and eat something first."

Ok. So now, what was supposed to be my time to take the car is going to be "stolen" by her coming home (15 minutes), eating something (15 minutes), going to swim (40 minutes), getting the pickup order (30 minutes), and coming back home (20 minutes).

This is TWO HOURS off of my time.

WHICH I HAD TOLD HER I NEEDED LITERALLY THE DAY BEFORE.

So she came home, ate something, and changed into her bathing suit. She left around 2pm for the pool.

I assumed at this point I'd hear from her around 3:30pm that she was around the corner.

But 3:30 came and went.

4:00pm came and went.

4:30pm came and went.

5:00pm came and BigSis messaged that she would be done at work in an hour and could either of us give her a ride home?

MOTHERF@*$%^#$ER

So it's been three hours without an update from MLH, but then she responds "I should be on my way back from the pickup order then."

EXCUSE ME!?!?!?!

She left for the pool at 2pm. THREE HOURS have gone by and she hasn't even gotten the pickup order that was supposed to be picked up between 2:30-3:30pm!?!?!?!!?!?

But she tells me that I'M a terrible communicator.

I was supposed to get the car by 1:30pm latest. It was now after 5pm and I STILL hadn't gotten to work yet.

As much as I hate when she offers to drop me off at work so she can take care of things that will take a few hours, SHE DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME THAT. She made it seem like I would have the car all afternoon to take care of what I needed to at work. And when her plans shifted, she made it seem like I'd have the car by 3:30pm latest.

And let me remind you THAT I TOLD HER THE DAY BEFORE WHAT MY SCHEDULE WAS SO THAT THIS S*** WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

But I'M the terrible communicator.

At that point I was so frickin annoyed already. MLH messaged me "should I get her or just come home" and I was so peeved I said "just get her because if you come home and I take the car I'm not picking her up."

She didn't respond to that message.

Great.

No thumbs up. No "ok." Just nothing.

Then at 6:12pm I get a message from her "car's downstairs in front."

So no message from BigSis that MLH had picked her up and they were heading home. No "we're around the corner." No nothing except over an hour later "take it."

BUT I'M THE TERRIBLE COMMUNICATOR!?

At that point it was too late for me to do some of the things I needed to take care of for work because, again, I was supposed to have been there FIVE HOURS EARLIER. And a friend messaged and asked if I could go with her to Costco, so I said to hell with it and I went to Costco with her.

While I was at Costco I messaged both MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis about what I was getting so we were all on the same page. Included in that message was eggs because, well, I was getting eggs.

I got home at like 10pm and MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis were already asleep. I made a couple of mini salami kugels with some spinach that oddly floated to the top, waited for them to cool, tried 1/4 of one before sticking them in the fridge.

Next morning I open the fridge and there's a new carton of 1.5 dozen eggs. Because apparently MLH went to the supermarket early in the morning and got eggs because "we were out."

DESPITE ME LITERALLY MESSAGING THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT I WAS BUYING EGGS AT COSTCO.

Oh, but it gets better. Because the salami kugel I had tasted the night before was missing.

BigSis was working from home so I asked her about it and she said she had no clue.

So I asked MotherLivelyHeart about it, thinking maybe it slipped out of the fridge, smashed, and she threw it out.

But no.

Guess who ate it.

Yep, the woman who has been suffering from gout and avoiding meat for the better part of a year.

The woman who saw it in the fridge and said to herself "oh, that's one of the broccoli kugels LivelyHeart made for herself for Shabbos that she said wasn't good. I guess I'll eat that for breakfast without asking her if she really doesn't want it because although she's on a weird diet right now, there's no way she's made a meal plan for herself that includes this food item she made for herself."

Because, did she message me to ask if she could have it?

Nope.

Did she knock on my door to ask if she could have it?

Nope.

Halfway through eating it she realized it was salami.

And she still finished the whole thing.

And still at NO POINT did she message me AT ALL to even tell me that she ate it.

I had to find out by inquiring OF HER.

BUT. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR!?!?!?!

I shouldn't be mad.

It's just food, after all, right?

Except that it's not.

It's a frickin pattern of carelessness and disregard for me as a person.

And I'm so frickin sick of it.

I'm so damn tired.

It wouldn't have killed her to ask.

It wouldn't have killed her to apologize.

And what I haven't really explained here (because again, that's in a draft post) is that I've been on an elimination diet since January 1st which has cut most things from my available food selections.

But is she on an elimination diet?

Nope.

So we have a HOUSEFUL, a PANTRYFUL, and a FRIDGEFUL of food she can eat.

And she chooses the ONE thing I made FOR ME.

Which she KNEW I made for ME.

Instead of the MYRIAD OF THINGS that she can eat that I can't.

Which means that she's not only taken a meal from me, but now I'm at a food deficit from the fridge while she lives in abundance.

BUT. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR.

So let's leap forward to today.

Today was Shabbos mevorchim. Pesach is in two weeks.

And MotherLivelyHeart decided we are going to change over the kitchen two weeks ahead this year.

So she scheduled her cleaning lady to come tomorrow (Sunday) to help clean the kitchen so it can be turned over.

Did she take into account that this would be motzei Shabbos and that we'd have to make Shabbos and that would involve dirty dishes and use of the stove/oven and pots and pans?

Yeah, no.

Did she take into account that the way she wants to clean the oven requires the oven to be self-cleaned before and after which takes a good several hours and creates so much smoke that we'd have to keep the windows open and also it's like 40F right now and she also wanted to go to sleep early because the cleaning lady is coming at like 8am?

Yeah, no.

BigSis went over the oven cleaning thing with her and she exclaimed "are you kidding me?! Then why am I having the cleaning lady come tomorrow?!"

BECAUSE YOU SCHEDULED HER WITHOUT CONSULTING US.

BECAUSE THERE WAS NO COMMUNICATION.

DO YOU SEE A FRICKIN THEME HERE!?!?!!?

Oh, but there's more. Because there's always more.

Thursday was another nightmare day for various reasons. One of which was that I ran errands with MotherLivelyHeart.

She scheduled an appointment for smackdab in the middle of the time I told her I'd be working.

YES. AGAIN.

And she wanted to drop me off at work and pick me up when I was done.

Well absofrickinlutelynot, thankyouverymuch.

I was supposed to work until 6pm.

I had told customers I would be available until 6pm.

Her appointment was scheduled for 6pm.

So of course "I need the car at 5:30pm."

She wanted to drive me to work earlier so that she could take the car at 5:30pm to her appointment that wouldn't be done until 7pm and then come get me an hour and a half after I was done working.

But I was supposed to trust that she wouldn't run errands or dilly dally around and that she'd actually get me at 7:30pm, which we know is never the case.

So I told her no, I'd be taking the car to work. But I would notify the customers I'd only be there until 5:30pm, at which point I'd get her and drive her to her appointment. Then while she was in her appointment I could do the Shabbos shopping, since it seemed pointless to have to wait for her to come home again before I could go out and shop.

For various reasons, we had three stores we needed to go to, one of which was about 20 minutes in the opposite direction of where her appointment was. I figured I could go there first, then on my way back to get her I could run by the other two stores, get her and then we'd go straight home.

But no.

Because it was raining and people apparently don't know how to drive in the rain. So despite me taking the highway, which should have cut like 10 minutes out of the ride each way, it took me about 30 minutes to get to that first store, which I was in for maybe 10 minutes, and as I was checking out MLH messaged "my appointment is almost over, where are you at?"

So all I had time for was turning around and going straight to get her.

Which, fine, whatever.

One of the stores we went to literally just for chicken.

And it was chicken for her because she wanted a specific type of breaded chicken for Shabbos.

So I figured I'd run into the store and grab it while she stayed in the car.

But no.

Because while I was unbuckling, she was unbuckling. Because she decided to come in.

So she went to look at side salads and I went to the chicken section where I waited but she never showed up.

Then I get a message from her.

"Where are you?"

Excuse me???? WHERE ARE YOU, WOMAN???

I told her I was at the chicken section waiting for her and she said "I already checked out. I'm going back to the car."

WE LITERALLY WENT TO THIS STORE TO BUY HER CHICKEN.

SHE CAME IN WITH ME.

PRESUMABLY TO BUY HER CHICKEN.

But she's checked out already!? WITH WHAT!?

Oh. Apparently something to eat. Because she's hangry.

Which she, OF COURSE, DID NOT TELL ME.

Fine. Whatever.

So I bought her frickin chicken.

And then on the way home she got mad at me about three driving-related things that were out of my control (like the car started making a weird noise that might be the muffler, and there was a huge pothole I couldn't avoid, and I was coming to a stop at an intersection when some lady rounded the corner quickly and we barely missed colliding...) which resulted in her yelling at me that she hates the way I'm driving.

So, yeah, that was a fun ride home.

*EYEROLL*

Anyway, on the way to her appointment she said "we never worked out a Shabbos menu."

I told her the same thing I've told her almost every week over the last three months: I'm eating differently from you guys, so you just tell me what you want and I'll grab it from the store, because I already have set aside what I'm going to eat.

And she tells me "my boss has off tomorrow, so I can cook."

Which is perfectly fine in my eyes because I'm still recovering from an injury (again, that's one of the drafted posts...) and I also had a horrendous cold for the previous two weeks so I'm still trying to get back to baseline. Any pressure off me is appreciated.

We basically worked out that for shabbos we'd do a big soup for Friday night (which I would make), then she wanted chicken (obvs) and I had bought green beans at Costco I told her she could have, and then Shabbos lunch would be fish and salady stuff.

Well, Friday rolls around.

The day already sucked because I tried adding some vegetables back into my diet during the week that are apparently problematic for my digestion. Fun.

But then MotherLivelyHeart decides to stick to her arbitrary Pesach cleaning schedule which says to clean the milchig dishes she's had piling up all week. So of course she decides to do this at like noon and doesn't finish the job and there are still milchig dishes in the sink at 3pm when I need to go in and make the soup.

Add onto that, one of my "chores" is the pareve dishes, some of which have been piling up too and also need to be done, which she feels the need to remind me of, despite her milchig dishes still filling the sink.

So I go in around 3pm and just start cooking, using the small bit of counter space that's available to me.

She decides that's the perfect time to finish the milchig dishes.

FINE. WHATEVER.

She gets them out of the way and reminds me YET AGAIN about the pareve dishes.

FINEWHATEVER.

So around 4pm I'm back in the kitchen, doing the pareve dishes, of which I only got about half done because it was causing pain and I still had to cook.

So I pivoted and did the soup.

But nothing else had been cooked yet.

So I made the green beans.

And I had to separate the soups so I could add things to theirs that I can't eat.

At this point I'm still annoyed from her the day before, my insides are so unhappy with the newly tested foods, I'm in pain from the injury, and I'm trying to cook for Shabbos.

Around 6pm I asked BigSis if she could help with the chicken. She was like "I STILL HAVE TO SHOWER!!!" As though she didn't have all day for that and somehow me needing help is my fault. She said "if you had asked me like three hours ago I could have done it."

Except that three hours ago, the milchig dishes were still filling up the sink, so.... what exactly do you expect from me!?

Sometime a little earlier when MotherLivelyHeart had been in the kitchen it was clear I wasn't doing so well and she asked what was wrong and I described the pain and she was like "I'm sorry" and then disappeared.

So then she gets a "20 minutes to candle lighting" alarm on her phone, and she's been trying to light early in zchus of the hostages and chayalim, so she calls out "20 minutes to licht benchen." Which I responded to but she didn't hear, obviously, because she yelled again "LivelyHeart, did you hear me!?"

To which I responded an annoyed "YES!!" and she was like "you don't have to talk to me that way! I clearly didn't hear you. And BigSis and I can make Shabbos on our own, you know."

Which, MYGODWOMAN. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.

My responsibility based on our conversation was the soup.

ZE HU.

SHE was supposed to do the chicken and the green beans and whatever else they wanted.

So now she's annoyed at me because I'm annoyed at her for not doing the thing she was supposed to do, but I'M the one in the wrong.

FINE. Whatever.

In the end I didn't do the chicken.

I literally didn't have the strength for it, let alone the energy.

Not that it was really missed at the meal, but she was a bit annoyed and gave me that same "BigSis and I can cook for Shabbos on our own, you know." To which I responded "You said you were going to cook." I literally don't even remember what her response was.

Well, fast forward through Shabbos to tonight because I asked her if she wanted the chicken for melava malka or if we should stick it in the freezer for a week since it's KFP.

She wanted it for melava malka.

Which, fine, whatever.

I told her if she could bread it, I would cook it.

She got gloves, she got bowls, she got the chicken, and she got eggs.

She did not get the other ingredients she needed for the breading. Or a plate to put it on. Or a fork.

She sat down at the table and then asked me to get the other ingredients.

Which, fine. Whatever.

I got an interesting piece of mail that I'll discuss in another post when I know more what's going on with it, but it basically called my attention to research something. So I was on my computer off to the side while she was breading the chicken.

The next thing I know, she's frying the chicken.

I went into the kitchen and asked her why she was frying it when I told her I would do it for her since cooking usually exhausts her, and she got all frustrated and exasperated at me and said something like "I DON'T HAVE ALL NIGHT TO WAIT FOR YOU."

And I was like, "what are you talking about!? I was waiting for you to finish breading it! you didn't tell me you were done!"

Which just pissed her off more.

BECAUSE. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR.

But this is the time of year we celebrate freedom, right?

This is the time of year we thank Hashem for rescuing us from a horrible situation.

Well, where's mine?

We're supposed to celebrate every year as though WE ALL left Mitzrayim.

As though we were ALL saved.

But I am not saved.

I have never been saved.

The stupidity I've just described above is just a piece of the insane patterning of my entire life.

I have no escape from this nonsense.

And I'm just so done with all of it.

I want it all to be over.

I want it all to go away.

Where's my freedom?

Where's my salvation?

I really have to finish those other two drafts, because this isn't even the clearest picture of what I've been dealing with since 2024 started. It's barely April and I just want this secular year to be over.

There are a couple of people who have suggested guys to me over the last several months and, although they're not really what I'm looking for, right now I just don't have the emotional energy for a new relationship. I'm just so burned out from this one that I deal with every frickin day of my stupid life, which of course I can't even tell these people.

So... dear future husband, I hope you can hang in there, because I don't know when I'll be ready for you.

But maybe by then I'll be a good communicator.

-LivelyHeart

And now for the story after the story:

So, after that disaster of a drive back from the store on Thursday night, we got home around 8:30pm and although she got something small to eat from that second supermarket I knew that MotherLivelyHeart hadn't eaten anything since lunch so when I made dinner for myself I made a second bowl for her. I brought it to her and she said "oh... you didn't have to do that." Not a lot of enthusiasm there.

She didn't eat it for about a half an hour, by which time it was probably cold, and the next thing I knew, she was in bed going to sleep without another word about how it was.

Now, I don't demand praise or feedback for anything I cook, but she usually makes a comment about whatever I make, so I found it odd that she was silent on the matter.

On Friday I went to ask her about something else and while I was talking to her I asked how her dinner was the night before and she said something along the lines of, "it was... interesting. ground chicken just doesn't cook well, it's not your fault. you prepared it well, it's just not that good. ground turkey is better."

No "thank you," no "it was sweet of you to think of me," no "I appreciate the effort especially considering that you're working through the pain right now."

Just meh.

I love when I'm appreciated.

[sacrificethemtothesquid]

It’s taken me almost a month to write this post, but here we are. Let’s see if I can get through it without dissolving.

We lost Skittish. 

Cut for animal death.

Skittish was diagnosed with inflammatory bowel disease about a year ago, but with a combo of prescription food, anti-nausea meds and steroids, she kept rallying. There was no specific prognosis, no hard timeline, but she was sixteen and I knew that at some point, it would have to end. My goal has always been to keep her comfortable, to not stress her out with invasive medical tests or treatments, and when the time came, to offer her a quick, compassionate release.

When I got up that Monday, I knew it was time. She’d been increasingly lethargic over the last few weeks, and when I went to say good morning, she didn’t chirp her usual greeting or even respond to my touch. There’s a vet in town who will come to your house, and I made an appointment for the afternoon, intending to spend our last few hours together snuggling and letting her know how deeply she was loved. 

We didn’t have those few hours. When my dad died, we were all there with him - my mom, my sister and me. The nurse explained the body’s process of dying, the way breathing and heartbeat change, the way muscles shiver in the absence of coherent signal. We held his hands and dabbed a damp sponge on his lips and counted the unsteady cadence of his pulse in the thin skin of his throat. Living things are living things, so when I laid down with Skittish, curling together in a pool of sunshine on the guest bed, I recognized the process, and knew that the afternoon was too far away.

We tried to get to the vet. We bundled her up in a towel thinking we could provide a little bit of mercy. We made it to an exam room, but she died on my lap before the doctor could come in. It was quick, quiet, and I was holding her. There’s no such thing as a great death - I just gave her the best one I could, and even though it was so incredibly hard to witness her leave, I’m so grateful she wasn’t alone. She was sixteen. 

Her name isn’t really Skittish - that’s just her internet identity, but it fits her perfectly. I got her when she was three months old. I was a sophomore in college and my mom was furious with me. “You work too much already,” she said. “You don’t need another thing to be responsible for.” But my roommate and I found her on Petfinder and love is irrational. 

I mean, look at her. 

She was an awkward kitten who grew into an awkward cat. She never quite learned to be graceful. She had weak hips which meant clawing her way up furniture rather than leaping. She was painfully shy. My roommate had a rabbit and Skittish was terrified of him.

She didn’t like new people. She hated my boyfriends. I was working my way through an unfortunate string of redheads, and after the last fling fizzled out, I promised both of us that if she didn’t like someone, he wasn’t worth my time. The next person was the future Husbandthing, and the first time she met him, she rubbed all over his shoes. She knew before I did. 

She was six when the Hellbeast came into the picture. (Again, fluffiest cat on Petfinder.) They were interested in each other for about a month, and then they decided that no, they did not like each other, and would tolerate coexistence as long as distance was maintained. 

Sometimes, they’d deign to be in the same room together, but only if there wasn’t a better sunny spot anywhere else.

When Skittish felt safe, she was bright and curious. Construction didn’t really bother her, and she was a cautious supervisor.

She was never a lap cat until she got older, and then she would immediately snuggle whenever my lap was available. She was happiest curled up next to me under the covers.

The last year of her life was hard. She couldn’t keep much food down despite being on a battery of anti-nausea meds and subsequently lost a lot of weight, but through it all, she stayed cheerful. She spent most of her time asleep on the guest bed, but whenever I came to sit and snuggle with her, she always chirped a welcome and eagerly purred. When Zoom abruptly became a daily occurrence, as soon as I sat down, she would join me and drool on my leg, blissed out as I brushed her. 

I miss her. I’m grateful she’s no longer in pain. I’m glad to not be cleaning up cat puke all the time, but the house dynamic has shifted dramatically. I feel off-balance. Muscle memory insists on checking the guest room, but there’s no one there. When I brush my teeth, there’s no one sitting on the toilet demanding skritches. When I’m on Zoom, any passing movement in my periphery brings a thrill of relief - here comes my girl! - and then I remember that there’s no one to sit on my lap anymore. In meetings, other people have cats wandering across their desks, and it fucking hurts to know that I don’t have that anymore.

I miss the click of her arthritic hips as she walks. The house is painfully silent, and it’s hard to take a nap when I don’t have the familiar weight of a cat resting on my belly. The Hellbeast is still here, of course, beloved and noisy, following me around and yelling to get my attention, but instead of four beings in this house, there are only three of us and things just feel empty.

I’ll get through it. We’ll get through it. Like my mom said, it’s hard to raise a puss from kittenhood knowing what will eventually come, but I can’t imagine not having her through the years. She was a good girl, my best girl, my Miss Mouse, my college kitty, my sweet old lady, the one that the vet always fawned over and praised for being gorgeous and well-behaved. She was never very interested in Crimes, and if she was extremely upset with something you were doing, she’d gently, almost apologetically, put her mouth on your arm, never breaking skin. If you took the time to win her over, carefully and with respect, you were richly rewarded by her presence. She kept me company when I was in a bad mental space. She played hide-and-seek when she was feeling spicy. She made our house a home.

When she was leaving, I told her it was all right, that she was safe, that it was okay to go. I’m so grateful that she existed and so grateful that she loved me as much as I loved her. I miss her so much, but I’m so grateful to have shared my life with her.

There have been five deaths in the family in the last two years, so I know how to weather the grief. I know how to acknowledge the pain. This is a long obituary, but I need to put the words down somewhere. I don’t know what to do with her ashes, since she hated the outdoors, but currently she’s in a box under the bed, one of her favorite hiding places, and for now, that feels right. 

Thanks, kitten. You were the best. 

[sicknessbysalem]

tw emeto, treatment, mentions of serious illness, single dialogue mention of another character suffering an overdose, self doubt

for all of those lovely readers who have been so eagerly waiting to figure out what’s up with kostya, here is your fic.

*kotyonok means kitten, there is other Ukrainian dialogue in the fic but it is answered to in english

if you have requests/comments/questions/concerns, send an ask (please i beg)

Kostya wants to hide in his hoodie the minute Amanda comes into the room.

Well, technically, legally, it’s Lana’s hoodie. Lana’s hoodie from high school at that. When he played sports, Kostya couldn’t remember which one right now.

“I’m sorry Kostya,” She said.

Kostya was sure that Amanda was a wonderful woman outside of the hospital. Really. But right now, shes the last person he wants to see. In fact, he tells himself he hates her. And in this kind of moment he does.

“It’s procedure,” Kostya said, giving in.

Amanda nodded, “Has anything changed?”

Kostya thought for a second. Anymore his thoughts were hazy. Days and nights blurred together. He couldn’t think.

Thankfully he doesn’t have to. Lana looks at him and offers a reassuring smile, “You want me to start?”

Kostya nodded, pulling up his sleeve so Amanda had access to the vein she needed.

“So, then Lana,” Amanda said, “Anything new? The same?”

“The things I know about are the fatigue, the nausea, the lightheadedness, and the lack of appetite,” Lana said, shrugging.

It’s enough for Kostya to take over, “Headaches, sensitivity, cold a lot, lots of feeling like I might pass out but…”

“Have you passed out at all since last week’s appointment?” Amanda asked.

“Sunday afternoon,” Lana answered. Lana heard Kostya sigh defeatedly and click his tongue. “We went grocery shopping. And yes, yes I know he shouldn’t go out more than he needs to but-“

“It’s alright Lana,” Amanda said, “What happened?”

“He was fine… like at the store and everything, it was after we put everything up he just…” Lana tried to explain.

“I remember getting dizzy and grabbing the counter, next thing I know you somehow moved me and I was waking up on the couch.” Kostya said.

Amanda frowned, “Sounds like overexertion.”

Kostya nodded slowly.

“What about everything else?” Amanda said, “Bruising? Nosebleeds? Or your gums when you brush your teeth?”

Kostya nodded, “They don’t happen as much. Well, I mean I was anemic before this all happened so I’m used to bruising and my gums bleeding. I had a nosebleed… I think Monday?”

“Did you feel dizzy or anything after?” Amanda asked, getting Kostya set up.

“Dizzy, but I sat down and Lana grabbed some water so I was fine,” Kostya said.

���I think you’re down to get another round of blood work next week,” Amanda said, “We’ll see how the disease is behaving. Better, worse, the same. And we’ll adjust your treatment accordingly.”

Kostya nodded, “I’m just ready for it to be over… I don’t like feeling sick all the time.”

“Unfortunately thats what the aplastic anemia does,” Amanda shrugged, “It’s not cancer. But things like leukemia and others… well, they do the same. But, that’s why you get these sessions.”

Kostya nodded again, “I know. I just…. Hate it.”

-

The sterile hospital room was filled with the soft hum of machinery as Kostya settled into the treatment chair.

At first, Lana's touch was gentle and comforting, his hand softly petting Kostya's hair as they waited for the treatment to begin.

At the start. There was small conversation. Kostya hated silence when he was here. He hated it.

“How’s your album coming?” Kostya asked, shifting to look up at Lana.

“Slowly,” Lana said, “Lex is great. Soren too. The girls are phenomenal. But it’s still not the same without you.”

“Hopefully after next week’s blood work they might clear me to go to the studio and work again,” Kostya shrugged. He really hoped they would. He missed working in the studio. Missed going with Lana. Missed everything.

Lana continued stroking his hand over Kostya’s bangs, “Hopefully. But I promise, nobody is upset about you not being able to work. Well, nobody but you.”

“It just sucks,” Kostya said, “I mean Lex was back after three months and I’ve been out for six… it sucks.”

“I know,” Lana said, “But Lex’s situation was different than yours is right now. Neither were worse or better. But they are different.”

“Still, feels shitty that he was able to go back to both music and paramedic work in less time than I’ve been away because of-“

“You have aplastic anemia,” Lana said, “You get chemotherapy three times a week. Lex suffered an overdose that miraculously did minimal long term damage. You both lucked out to an extent, he’s alive and functional as before and you have this, not leukemia. But what you’re going through takes more out of you than Lex’s circumstances did to him.”

Kostya nodded. Lana was right. It wasn’t fair to compare his circumstances to Lex, he knew that. But it still messed with him more than he wanted to admit.

Lana continued petting his hair and Kostya leaned into the affection, grateful for Lana's comfort.

As the clock ticked on and the treatment round progressed, Kostya's symptoms started to show up.

First there was no conversation on Kostya’s end. Lana was talking, Lana always talked to fill the silence. The chemicals coursing through his veins left him feeling dizzy and nauseous, a familiar yet unwelcome sensation that he had grown accustomed to enduring.

Lana noticed the subtle shift in Kostya's demeanor, the way his breathing became shallow and his complexion paled.

He continued for a little bit, talking and petting Kostya’s hair. But as soon as he felt sweat on Kostya’s forehead, he stopped. Sensing that physical contact might exacerbate Kostya's discomfort, Lana withdrew his hand, giving Kostya space while still remaining by his side.

Kostya appreciated Lana's understanding, knowing that Lana was trying to support him in the best way possible.

"You're doing great, kotyonok," Lana whispered, offering words of encouragement as Kostya closed his eyes, trying to focus on something other than the queasiness in his stomach.

But Kostya's condition continued to deteriorate despite Lana's efforts to provide comfort. His nausea intensified, accompanied by waves of dizziness that left him feeling disoriented and weak. He struggled to maintain his composure, his hands gripping the armrests of the treatment chair tightly as he tried to ride out the discomfort.

Lana's concern deepened as he watched Kostya's distress escalate.

"Kotyonok, you look like you’re going to be sick…" Lana said gently, his voice filled with worry.

Kostya forced a weak smile, trying to mask the severity of his symptoms. "I'm okay, Lana," he replied, his voice trembling slightly.

He hoped that convincing himself he wouldn't be sick would somehow keep the nausea at bay, but deep down, he knew it was a losing battle.

Lana's voice faded into the background as Kostya's focus shifted to the overwhelming urge to throw up. He clenched his jaw, trying to hold back the inevitable, but his body had other plans.

As the minutes passed, Kostya's condition only worsened. The queasiness in his stomach became unbearable, and he could feel the telltale signs of an impending bout of vomiting.

Lana heard Kostya’s breaths grow more shallow. Panicked. He was already on his feet grabbing the basin when Kostya finally spoke up.

"I-I think I need..." Kostya's words were cut off as he leaned over the basin, retching uncontrollably as the contents of his stomach emptied in a violent upheaval.

Lana's heart ached at the sight of Kostya's suffering. He wanted nothing more than to take away his pain and discomfort.

"It's okay, kotyonok. Let it out," Lana murmured, his voice filled with empathy. He knew that this was part of the harsh reality of chemotherapy, a necessary but grueling process that took a toll on Kostya's already fragile health.

Instinctively, Lana found himself starting to rub Kostya’s back. A lapse in judgement. Kostya reached far enough to nudge Lana’s hand off of him, hoping that was the last of the vomiting but knowing there was more.

Lana's heart sank as Kostya nudged his hand away, a silent indication of his discomfort with physical contact during moments of nausea. Lana immediately withdrew, cursing himself for the lapse in judgment. He knew better than to touch Kostya during these moments, but his concern had momentarily overridden his better judgment.

"Oh kotyonok… I'm sorry," Lana whispered, stepping back and giving Kostya the space he needed to cope with the intense nausea.

He felt a pang of guilt for adding to Kostya's distress, even unintentionally.

Kostya continued to retch into the basin, his body convulsing with each wave of sickness. Lana watched helplessly, wishing there was more he could do to ease Kostya's suffering.

After what felt like an eternity, Kostya's stomach finally settled, leaving him exhausted and drained. He leaned back in the treatment chair, his breathing labored and his face pale.

Kostya felt dizzy. Almost lightheaded even. Throwing up took more energy out of kostya than he was sure he had, and the thought of getting up and getting out to the car, let alone going home, felt like more than Kostya could handle.

And yet he wanted nothing more than to go back home. To lay down in his room. To be anywhere but here and sleep all this off.

His breathing was the first thing he noticed. It was shallow, breathless. More than usual. Definitely because of the lack of energy, existing alone was taking too much energy.

“Hey… kotyonok, you okay?” Lana asked softly.

Kostya shook his head, “meni… meni ne po sobi…”

Even though it was his mother tongue, the words felt so foreign coming out.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Lana said softly, grabbing Kostya’s hand and rubbing his thumb on the back of Kostya’s hand, “But we can go home soon and you can sleep this off.”

Kostya shifted, pulling the hood up, covering his eyes. Lana's worry deepened as he observed Kostya's exhausted state. The toll of the vomiting was evident, and Lana wished he could do more to alleviate Kostya's discomfort.

Just then, a gentle knock on the door signaled the arrival of a nurse. Amanda is back.

"Excuse me, Kostya," Amanda said softly as she entered the room, her voice carrying a reassuring tone. "We're almost done with your treatment. I know it's been tough, but you're doing great."

“He got sick, and he’s exhausted,” Lana said.

“Ya mozhу hovoryty za sebe,” Kostya said.

“You’re so tired you’re speaking Ukrainian,” Lana said, “I don’t doubt Amanda is smart but I highly doubt she can speak Ukrainian. I don’t think she’ll be much help if you speak for yourself.”

“I can see that,” Amanda said softly, “Are you still nauseous Kostya?”

Kostya managed a weak nod.

The nurse approached Kostya's chair, carrying a small tray with a cup of water and a packet of anti-nausea medication.

“I have some medication here that should help with the nausea," she explained, handing the packet to Kostya. "It might make you feel a bit drowsy, but it should provide some relief."

Kostya accepted the medication gratefully, pulling his hood back and swallowing it with a sip of water. He leaned back in the chair, closing his eyes as he hoped for the medication to take effect soon.

"Thank you, Amanda," Lana said softly, as Amanda started getting Kostya ready to go, "We appreciate everything you do."

Amanda smiled warmly. "It's my pleasure. Just remember to take it easy for the rest of the day, Kostya," she advised before leaving the room.

As the effects of the medication started to kick in and Kostya's nausea gradually subsided, Lana felt a sense of relief wash over him.

“Do you want to wait it out?” Lana asked, “Or do you want me to help you out of here?”

Kostya hummed, thinking, before sighing softly, “Ya khochu piti…”

“Okay, we can leave,” Lana said, helping Kostya stand. “I’ve got you. I promise.”

[marcelinesghost13]

Good morning Blog,

So let's just get right into it I'm going to talk about my dad first. Over the weekend we had a number of falls and hurt his hand and possibly knee. The retirement home wanted an x-ray machine and ultrasound done. In order to check his knee and heart because they weren't too sure if you messed up his knee really bad. And I think he might have possibly have had another stroke. The reason why they think he might have had another stroke is over the week his memory has declined significantly. I definitely have noticed that change in him. They're supposed to call me Monday morning which is today. To see if they're going to have an ambulance come by and take him to the VA if they can't have those two machines come up to the retirement home. In any case he definitely needs to get checked out to make sure that he's okay. It sucks seeing my dad like this I positively hate it.

As far as the spouse goes she's doing her normal bullshit. Coming up and down I hate you I like you. Why don't you talk to me why do you hate me. The normal typical crab Plus on top of that talking shit about my dad which is normal when I have to spend a lot of attention on my dad but that can't be helped because of what has occurred to him. So for the most part I've been avoiding her negativity. She did give me a text calling me out on me using narcissistic tactics on her LoL. Which I'm not going to deny I do use them but she's a narcissist and overly controlling. Like I said before I got sick of the abuse and I wasn't going to be around it anymore. If she doesn't like it that's her problem not mine.

As far as I go a lot of different things have happened. I tried to get the heart monitor that's on my chest off because I'm having an allergic reaction to it. They did give me the option of non allergenic pads but the catch is I can't get them wet. That's not going to happen I sweat way too much when I'm at work. So I'll just keep the stupid thing on until Wednesday. Then I will rip it off my chest and mail it away. Plus I think I have a doctor's appointment with Presbyterian on Wednesday or Thursday to talk about the heart monitor. I don't really see the point of the appointment but whatever.

On my day off my order came in for "Road Trip gummy shrooms". There's Abe that come in a package and they tell you in the back like your experience by taking each gummy. Each package has eight gummies in it. I decided to say fuck it and took all eight. Boy oh boy did I get fucked up. For the first time in my life I actually had visuals. I also saw a bunch of colors which has never happened before. The normal time stopping did occur. So basically like I have no concept of time when I do shrooms 5 minutes to me is like 30 minutes in my reality when I'm high like that. I did have my spouse try to ruin my high but I just turned my phone off. I was not dealing with any kind of negativity in any way by any person as I was high on shrooms. All in all I actually had a lot of fun and it was nice to get high on shrooms again. I hadn't gotten that fucked up since I was in my twenties. I think I will definitely be doing that again.

The other exciting thing that happened is I got asked out on a date. At first I was very hesitant and this is not the first time this person has asked me out. I usually make up an excuse of why I can't go but this time I just said fuck it. We did a lot of talking and laughing. They bought me lunch at this really cute restaurant. I really liked it it was a really nice environment. Also the food was really good and they had Mountain dew. So how can you go wrong. I absolutely loved their company and we had a lot in common. We also shared a lot of the same views when it came to like different life issues or seeing life almost in the same light. And we hung out for a good amount of time. IDK the whole experience was just really nice I'm positive. Plus there's no arguing or fighting and that was the best part. I've grown so tired of going out with my spouse and it turning into this negative bullshit. The person I went out with today was just very happy and positive and cute. I definitely want to go out with them again it was it was amazing.

So because the weekend has been so insane and crazy from everything that's been happening I called into work. I was just so mentally exhausted from everything that's been happening good and bad. I get burnt out when I have to deal with a lot of my dad and a lot of my spouse at the same time. Things would be so much easier if my spouse didn't get all jelly on me because I have to pay attention to my dad because of his health issues. She just gets very negative and needy and starts talking shit about my dad it's not really necessary like I don't understand why she does that. And then I'm trying to control my emotions because of her negativity and because of what's going on with my dad. So I definitely have a roller coaster of emotions inside my head and I have to be the Rock I have to be the fucking adult. In order to deal with everything that's going on and to make sure that everything that needs to happen does happen. So because of that I called into work today I did write my doctor a note to see if she can give me a doctor's note for taking a mental health day because I was straight out burnt out. So that's everything that's been going on which is a lot I think.

102020240533

[michaelmyersofficial]

15/07/2024 Monday Afternoon

So I have a few updates. This is another one where I started writing in the morning and it posts in the afternoon, oh well. Starting off with, D&D has picked up again and it's been actually quite fun. For the Thursday game the band is back together after a death tragically (but temporarily) separated us. One day I'll have to type up my notes, since I've been writing them by hand. For the Saturday game, my character is finally getting to participate in some important roleplay, which is not typical for him. I mentioned I got in contact with a lawyer for my disability, and I did the paperwork for them. The social security office is reconsidering me again, and I may have to go in to court, but I'm waiting for post from them based on what they're deciding. I think this is potentially some good news though. I went to my uncle's for the 4th of July and somehow my wrist got sunburnt (but nowhere else) even though I was covered in sun cream before I left. I also got to eat an elephant ear and watch log rolling competitions, which was quite nice. It was mostly uneventful outside of that, though there were a lot of political ads during the parade and down at the park where I got my treat. Surprisingly there was less enthusiasm for republican candidates than I anticipated, though there was not really any enthusiasm for any candidates that I could tell. There was also a girl in front of me at the treat line who was badmouthing and body shaming everyone, including the friend in line with her who had a trump tshirt on. Later that night I went to the fireworks, though I watched from armory hill, rather than down at the beach where they set them off. Less crowds. I managed to buy a new bathtub, so I'm waiting for that to come in, though it does mean I'll be without a bath for a short while. Still, it will be nice to finally get to work on the bathroom and thus actually have a fully functional one once it's finished. It's been a few years. My boyfriend has been away for the past few days, and I am missing him a lot. I don't think there's any issue with visiting family (though I do feel bad because he doesn't seem to be having a good time), I just miss him, you know? Hopefully we can do something together when he gets home. I ended up not liking that app as much just because of a lot of the things I read not being available- though I'm hoping to see that change so I'm not deleting it. I did make a storygraph as well and that's been easy enough to track. I finished a few books, and I'll post about that in my reading updates later, but it's nice to feel like you're getting somewhere with goals. Mostly what I've been doing lately has actually been reading and hunting for bathtubs, so there's not a lot new here. I will have to shop for a new bathroom door as well fairly soon, probably this week. I also forgot to call about my haircut, but this is because I continued to be sick for way too long. I ended up having to make an appointment with the doctor in the city and get an antiviral.

[travelingtheusa]

NEW YORK

2024 July 29 (Mon) – I had a check up with the surgeon this morning.  He says I am still experiencing an allergic reaction to the ointment.  He prescribed steroid eye drops and told me to come back in 2 weeks.  I said thanks, told the nurse I didn’t have my calendar with me and would call for the appointment, then left.  We are outta here!

      We took Miranda, Ken & Caiden out to dinner at the Texas Roadhouse tonight.  The food was great.

2024 Jul 28 (Sun) – After church, we brought Caiden and his friend, Josh, out to Susan’s house for a last BBQ before we leave.  The boys had a great time. 

2024 Jul 25 (Thu) – Still struggling to heal from the eye surgery.  My eyes don’t seem to be healing as fast as I think they should.  It turned out that the bacitracin I was putting in my eyes four times a day for a week was not good.  The doctor said I had an allergic reaction.  I wake in the mornings and my left eye is sealed shut.  I have to put a warm washcloth on it to get it to open.  My right eye still have bloody discharge.  The doc says it takes 3-6 months to recover from eye surgery and I just need to be patient.

       We are anxious to get back on the road again.  July is just about done.  All we have is August to check out Michigan and Wisconsin for next year’s caravan.  We need to get out of here!

2024 July 19 (Fri) – I had eye surgery and have not been able to see well.  The past week has been spent with icepacks applied every 20 minutes.  It’s restrictive and frustrating.  The office scheduled me for a follow-up check on Monday.  I hope things go well.  I am anxious to get back on the road as soon as possible.

2024 July 14 (Sun) – We went to church this morning.  The newly appointed bishop spoke.  He is young and very enthusiastic.  After the service, there was a social hour with homemade crumb cake and strawberry shortcake.  Everything – food and fellowship – was great.

       When we got home, we collected Caiden and Xavier and headed out to the Hamptons.  The day was very hot and the boys enjoyed their time in the pool.  I had to sit in the shade as I am not supposed to be exposed to direct sunlight because of the medication I am on.  I really wanted to swim!  Oh, well.  Susan, as usual, created a wonderful feast for us all.

2024 July 13 (Sat) – We were going to go to my sister, Susan’s, house today but it poured.  We rescheduled for tomorrow.  I went in and watched Caiden this evening so Miranda and Kenny could go out to dinner.  We had sword fights and played Uno.  I got hit in the eye and we had to stop for a few minutes to put ice on it, but then we were back to fight.  He is such a funny guy.

2024 July 12 (Fri) – We met Joan & Peter and Fred & Pat for dinner at The View in Oakdale for dinner.  It was a lovely restaurant.  We sat out on the patio, which was enclosed with canvas sides.  I could look out the windows and watch the water moving outside.  Even though it was raining, the view was pretty good.  It was an very enjoyable evening.

2024 July 11 (Thu) – It was a slow day with no appointments.  Paul worked around the yard.  I poked around on the computer.  Did some laundry.  Caiden popped in to say hi.  Haven’t seen him much since we’ve been here.

2024 July 10 (Wed) – Paul had Dr. Pena this morning to repair the abrasions and cavities in his mouth.  I took him to the deli afterward and we got buttered rolls with coffee. I also picked up a liverwurst on a roll for lunch.  Yum!

      At 2:30 PM, Paul had an appointment with the cardiologist.  Since Paul’s sister, Joan, just had a procedure on her carotid artery and Paul had a poor check on his carotid artery some years ago, I was concerned.  But Dr. Asheld said everything was fine.  The only issue is his cholesterol.  Paul just restarted the simvastatin after a year.  The doc told him to wait a week, then get another blood test.  If it is still high, then he would suggest changing medications.

2024 July 9 (Tue) – Paul had a dental check-up this morning.  Turned out, he has 3 abrasions on his upper teeth and 2 cavities on the bottom.  We made an appointment to come back tomorrow.

      Joan & Pete dropped Devin off at the airport then met us for lunch at Jackson Hall.  We had already eaten lunch so we had appetizers and they had a meal.  We sat out on the patio.  It was a good visit.

      The Islip Prophets had another play-off game tonight.  This time, the other team started out strong then our guys stepped up.  They even went into an extra inning to break the tie.  Score was 6-5 with out team winning.  There should be another game next week.

2024 July 8 (Mon) – I had an appointment with the gynecologist today.  It was a little unsettling to go into the office and see it full of young women.  I was the only older person there.  Then, when I got into the examining room and naked except for a thin robe, the doctor told me I wasn’t getting a pap smear.  Just an exam.  WTH???  I don’t need any more poking and prodding than I already get.  I try to keep it at a minimum.

      The church men’s baseball team, Islip Prophets, had a play-off tonight down at Brookwood Hall.  We went down to watch.  They started out strong with 4 runs in just the first 2 innings and the opposing team with zip.  Then, either they got tired or the other team got energized but the game ended with a 7-5 lead for the other guys.

2024 July 7 (Sun) – We went to church this morning.  It was great to see all our friends.  It felt good to sing the songs and listen to the minister.

      We had invited Kenny’s mother to go to lunch with us today but she wound up with dental issues.  So we went to the Irish Coffee Pub alone.  The potato soup was good but they don’t put bacon in it any more.  Also, the Irish soda bread is now a biscuit.  It wasn’t as good.  We both went Irish in our food choices – I had shepherds pie and Paul had corned beef and cabbage.  It was all very good.

2024 July 6 (Sat) – We took Sheba to the vet where she got a shot.  It is an antibiotic for her inflamed gums.  Let’s hope that helps her.  She looks like she’s developing that lip ulcer again.  I’ll have to keep an eye on her (like we aren’t already doing that).

      At noon, we packed up with Caiden and Xavier and headed out to the Hamptons for a BBQ at my sister’s house.  My brother, Chris, drove in from Connecticut to join us.  We have been hammering our brother, Tim, to come up from the Keys.  His 70th birthday is tomorrow.  He resisted our urging and did not fly up.  So we made a video, sang off-key, and sent him our best wishes.  Susan’s daughter, Shay, and friend, Mike, were also there.  Caden and Xavier spent the entire visit in the pool, save for 15 minutes to get out and eat.  It was a good visit for everyone.

2024 July 5 (Fri) – I went to Memorial Sloan Kettering this morning for a blood test.  My potassium levels were too high last week so they wanted to retake the test.  It was perfect.  On the way home, I stopped at CVS to pick up some nail polish.  For some reason, I want to paint my fingernails.  A weird urge!

      Paul and I went out for lunch to Bagel Boss.  We shared a chicken cutlet on a roll. Then we went to Lowe’s to pick up some parts for Paul to repair the steps.  We also mailed off the bad surge protector.  The company sent us a new one and we had to return the deficient device.  I also mailed back the Medtronic machine that I used during the time I wore the loop recorder.

      At 9:30 PM, while watching TV, we heard fireworks going off.  They went on for quite a while.  We finally got up to go watch.  It went on for over an hour.  Someone behind the trees on a neighboring block was setting off an incredible collection of fireworks.  They had to have spent well over $100,000.  Between all the fireworks they blew off last night and again tonight, they spent an incredible amount of money.  Loved to see it but what a waste of money!

2024 July 4 (Thu) – Ran out to the liquor store to pick up libations, then Bagel Boss for lunch, and last to Dunkin Donuts for some red, white and blue donuts. 

      At 2:30 PM, we went next door to Dave & Fran’s for BBQ.  The pool was full of kids splashing and some adults.  The food was plentiful and the company fun.  When things got dark, the fireworks came out.  Out in the world could you explain to someone who is not from the United States about July 4th celebrations?  Fireworks are illegal yet the block was filled with the sound of booms, bangs, whistles, and explosions all night long.  In fact, for 2 days leading up to the 4th.  The smell of sulfur was in the air and clouds of smoke wafted by like clouds scudding across the sky.  Although illegal, fireworks were everywhere!  It made me laugh with incredulity!  Some laws are just unenforceable.

2024 July 3 (Wed) – Had a tree guy come over and give us an estimate for taking down two trees – one dead and the other dying.  Did lots of yardwork.  Ran to Home Depot to find some bolts.  Paul bought a new fifth-wheel hitch and needed hardware to attach it. Got a new date for the eye repair - July 16. Ugh!

2024 July 2 (Tue) – Today was the big day!  I went to the eye surgery center in Brentwood to have my lower lids corrected.  Unfortunately, because of the Boswellia I took (an herbal supplement), the doctor would not do the surgery.  Now I am stuck trying to get a new surgery date before we are scheduled to leave in two weeks.  Arrrrggggghhhhh!!

      We stopped at the Oconee Diner on the way home for a late lunch/early dinner.  That place is not going to have room for diners soon if they keep putting up decorations.  It’s like walking through a jungle.

2024 July 1 (Mon) – At 7 AM, we went to Good Sam Hospital where I had to loop recorder removed from my chest.  A procedure that the doctor said wouldn’t take more than half an hour took 3-1/2 hours.  I was so desperate to get out of there.  I waited for the nurse to come unhook me.  After an hour, I unhooked myself from all the connections.  I would have climbed out of the bed, but the rails were up.  Finally, the nurse came in.  She yelled at me and was quite aggravated.  So, she made me wait some more.  At last, I got out of there.  Hurried to the waiting room to get Paul and rushed home.  I had an appointment at the VA for 11 AM.  It was too late to make that and I called to beg for a later time (they have not been very amenable in the past to giving me convenient times).  Fortunately, the gal that answered the phone was able to juggle appointments and get me rescheduled for 1 PM.

      We stopped at Sunrise Bagel for breakfast.  Egg and bacon on a roll.  What a delicious treat!  After stopping back home, I drove to Northport for my appointment at the VA.  The doctor worked with me to get my hearing aids worked out.  I was supposed to have a drink and snacks with Gina but she cancelled our get together.  So, we went out to Wading River and enjoyed dinner with Joan & Peter (Paul’s sister and husband).  Their neighbors came over to visit. 

2024 June 30 (Sun) – We went to church this morning.  It was good to see everyone.  It was like coming home.  I was filled with such joy with the service, the singing, the readings.  Even the snacks!   

      After church, we went back home, collected Caiden and his friend, Xavier, and drove out to Susan in Hampton Bays.  Her daughter, Shay, was there with her friend.  The boys and Paul swam in the pool.  It was too cool for me.  The temperatures have dropped significantly.  What weird weather we have been having.

      At sunset, there was a beautiful glow in the area.  Everything seemed to be covered in a golden glow.  I guess the clouds were at the right height when the sun was going down that it reflected back on the earth. 

2024 June 29 (Sat) – We met Susan & Bill at the Gateway Playhouse this afternoon.  Escape to Margaritaville was playing.  The musical was quite good.  It was different from anything we have watched before.  There was a lot of cursing and references to sex and drugs.  Guess that’s today’s generation.

      After the play, we drove to Patchogue for dinner at the Dirty Taco & Tequilla.  It is one of the places that is listed on Susan’s vegan app – The Happy Cow.  The inside of the restaurant was loud and it was hard to have a conversation.  The food was good.

2024 June 28 (Fri) – I had an appointment at Memorial Sloan Kettering this morning.  I have a new doctor but she sees patients in the Commack office on Mondays, so I had to see the nurse.  She was very upbeat and chatty.  All my bloodwork was good except for potassium levels.  She advised me to come back in a week to get another test.  In the meantime, lay off the avocados, spinach, potatoes and bananas.

      Paul had his colonoscopy this afternoon.  Everything went well.  He got a clean bill of health.  Yay!

2024 June 27 (Thu) – It was Paul’s turn today.  He had an eye doctor appointment this morning.  After lunch, I went to the hairdresser to get a haircut.  All the lowlights are gone.  All cut off.  It’ll be that way until I get tired of it again and look for something else to do with my hair.  Paul started prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow.  Not going anywhere else today.

2024 June 26 (Wed) – Paul had a check up with the doctor this morning.  After that, I took him to Bagel Boss for breakfast.  We had some problems with the order.  The clerk was not having a good day.  He toasted my bagel when I did not want it toasted.  Then he made coffee and the machine overflowed all over the place.  When he went to adjust the cover, he stuck his hand in the boiling coffee.  Ouch!

       On the way home, we stopped at Home Depot to pick up flowers.  We spent a few hours weeding and gardening in the front yard.  There was a lot to do.

      At 1PM, we took Sheba to the vet.  She has lost about half a pound.  Her gum is inflamed and her loss of appetite might actually be a sore mouth.  The vet took some blood and urine to see if anything else is going on.  We may have to bring Sheba back for dental work.

      At 3:30 PM, my sister pulled up for a visit.  At 5:30 PM, we took Caiden with us and all went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner.  Caiden had eaten about an hour earlier so he wasn’t hungry.  We let him get a slice of cheesecake while the three of us got meals.  Everything was very good.

2024 June 25 (Tue) – It was back to the cardiologist this morning.  This time was for an assessment of the loop recorder in my chest.  I got a call a while back telling me the battery was going dead.  After discussion with the doctor, we decided to remove the recorder and not replace it.  That makes me very happy!  I am scheduled for Monday.  They usually have the recorder taken out under anesthesia but he said we could do it with a little numbing.  I said OK.  Just get it done.

      At 1PM, we went to Patchogue to see the gastroenterologist.  Paul had a colonoscopy 2 years ago.  The doctor snipped a polyp, tattooed the site, and advised him to get a colonoscopy the next year.  Well, it’s been 2 years but he’s back to get it done.  He got a surgery date for this Friday.

       After the doctor, we met Paul’s sister and husband, Joan & Peter, at Rhum on Main Street in Patchogue.  They flew out from Las Vegas about 2 weeks ago.  Their grandson, Devin, is flying out from Vegas tonight to spend 2 weeks with them.

      At 5 PM, I brought my laptop computer to Best Buy.  I have been having a number of problems with the machine.  We sat with a tech for almost an hour but I think he got the issues cleared up.  We will see.

2024 June 24 (Mon) – Today began the doctor parade.  First up was the cardiologist.  I had an EKG and review with Dr. Asheld.  I really like that guy!  Everything was perfect.  Next was the ophthalmologist.  I thought my eyeballs were shrinking but it turns out that my bottom eye lids are pulling away from the orb or sagging.  I am now scheduled for surgery to tighten up the lids on July 2.  I will not be able to lift, bend, or do anything strenuous for a week.  Sleep will have to take place with my head elevated on two pillows or sleeping in a lounger.  I will have to ice my eyes every half hour for 2-3 days.  There goes fourth of July festivities.

      The surgery scheduler told me I have to get clearance from my primary physician since I will be anesthetized.  So I called Dr. Torrelli and was squeezed in to see his P.A.  I had to cancel the appointment with the vet for Sheba and Best Buy to look at my computer.  I also have to change my appointment with the hair stylist that was set for July 2.  That’s the problem with having a slew of appointments.  A doctor changes something and a domino effect happens – other things have to be changed to accommodate that change.  It is a calendar dance. 

      Miranda & Kenny were supposed to return home today.  They sent a text message that they were running behind and will be spending the night in a motel.  Maureen and I wished them well.  We took Caiden with us food shopping.  First stop was McDonald’s for dinner, then Shop Rite for groceries.

      We are worried about Sheba.  She hasn’t been eating and she hasn’t had a bowel movement for two days.  She insists on going outside all the time.  When she’s in, she goes into the closet to sleep.  Something is wrong.

2024 June 23 (Sun) – We packed up and left Shartlesville, PA, at 9:15 AM.  It was a very long and arduous trip to Long Island.  It took over an hour to get across the George Washington Bridge!  The traffic and the roadways were horrible.

      We arrived home at 2 PM.  Kenny’s mom, Maureen, was here watching Caiden.  Miranda and Kenny are off at witch camp this week.  They should be back tomorrow.  After hookups, I got a pizza from Buseto.  We all ate in the RV.  Afterward, Maureen stayed to visit until 7 PM.  Caiden stayed until 8 PM when we shooed him back in to shower before bed.  He still as 2 more days of school, even though they already had a graduation ceremony for moving up to middle school last week.  Tomorrow and the next day, he has to go in for 1-2 hours a day.  Seems like a waste.  But the school gets money if the kids are in school.  It’s all about the money.

[anxiouspregnantlady]

bye bye baby

i think i've been afraid to write here, to make it feel real, but last thursday we had our u/s and discovered a 6+4 sac with a yolk sac (maybe an amniotic sac??? i think?) and - no baby. of course i feel grief & anger & numbness but also - the relief is unreal. it feels good to know.

so many thoughts.

i'll start with technical things... finally got an hcg done on sat and it was 15499 so more consistent with 6w. waiting on monday's value. had another ultrasound this morning and the sac shrank perhaps ever so slightly but otherwise same. they were (in my opinion) unreasonably concerned about ectopic b/c of a cyst on my right ovary but i always have a cyst on my right ovary and i'm not medical but .uh. isn't that the corpus luteum (also i happen to know that i ovulated from the right).

care-wise. i continue to be so grateful for LWC midwives, they have been absolutely lovely. both u/s techs have been ok. there is apparently a NP midwife at LWC who expressly does early pregnancy loss stuff (!) so i have felt medically taken care of.

i had an itch to want to see if i could do tissue testing on the miscarriage but am probably leaning away from it - too much trouble, worried about scarring, worried about billing (esp without good health insurance). i'll just never know.

i have a strong suspicion that an embryo did form this time, we just caught it too late and it had already stopped developing & had been reabsorbed. i was quite nauseous (still a bit nauseous) & we didn't get a yolk sac last time. and there looked to me like there was an amniotic sac, though it was empty. and it's just a hunch.

i've been so tired, both jetlagged but also just grief. at 5-6 pm i lose the ability to stay awake entirely. you couldn't pay me enough money to stay awake. i just lose consciousness wherever i am. and again after p "puts me to bed" at 8pm i cannot get myself out of bed and sleep for 15, 30, 45 minutes. And then when midnight rolls around i absolutely cannot sleep, i take melatonin, baths, etc. and p has been up at weird hours anyway, crying mama, mama, mama.

showing up to work has been ... well, it's been a miracle that i have been. i did cancel a thursday night appointment after the u/s but other than that i've been fudging my way through, trying not to let show how raw and bruised and completely depleted i am.

k has been wonderful. he is keeping me going. p somewhat understands what is happening. yesterday during bath she announced she had a baby in her belly, and then plucked it out and said she was putting it in mama's belly. she knows mama is going to the doctor a lot and always asks if i am still hurting. i told her the baby is gone. i don't know how to walk this line between being honest with her and protecting her. i kind of think that she must understanding the workings of embryonic life/nonlife better than me, being that much more proximate developmentally/spiritually. only a few years ago she was also in the womb! but she is generally still her happy, curious, thriving little self, and we keep thinking how depressed we would be without her.

sigh.

it was too good to be true.

i only asked the universe for one more baby.

i think, maybe even more than wanting to have this baby, i wanted to never ever ever have to fucking go through this again.

(but i did really want to have this baby)

i am back in the world of Not Knowing. i don't know how many more pregnancies i will have or how many tries it will take to have those pregnancies, or how many weeks each of the pregnancies will last. i still don't know! why! my! body! can't! carry most pregnancies to term!

k thinks maybe we were just too sick and stressed from all kinds of bugs (including covid) and from the 40 hours of travel and 13hr timezone changes and his loss of employment and loss of insurance. and that's why we miscarried. i don't think the line is so clear, but i think one big takeaway from this whole thing is: i need mothering. in my desire to mother another child (and in my struggle to mother the one i already have), i sorely need mothering. i need a warm, generous, wise, and proximate figure to be keeping tabs on me - i need to be on their radar - i need their hugs, hot drinks, meals, nurture, comfort, advice, solace, confidence, life experience.

so my body is still clinging to this pregnancy (coming up on 9 weeks), and i suspect it will be awhile before I start bleeding. maybe christmas.

and then?

and then we are definitely going to take a break. there is (just a bit) less hurry this time - we have our hands full - and i do want to develop some better habits re: nourishing myself, caring for myself. i've barely eaten in the past 5 weeks. and anyway we are going to wait for k to get a job and new health insurance, and we are focusing on some other dreams too.

and then i want to do a bit of testing, maybe a hysteroscopy/endometrial biopsy, a few clotting tests that we missed, re-check my thyroid, etc. have a WTF appointment w dr. kelly/make a plan.

and then we'll see. immediately after i got the news i felt strongly that i could never go through this again, or risk going through again. i felt that we would just have to walk the path of accepting that we were done growing our family. it felt good to be like, HELL yah we won't contribute to overpopulation or subject our unborn child to this mess. but that doesn't really resonate... i still really want to try. to have a child and to raise them so that it is worth it.

so many things hurt about this. hella everyone is pregnant or giving birth. i hate the dejavu with our first pregnancy, feels stuck/stagnant & like we are destined to be in and out of sad ultrasound appointments. feel like we wasted our trip.

[bonafidehero]

My poor boy isn't feeling well and not eating again. ☹️ I'm pretty sure its his kidneys so we've started taking him in twice a week for his fluid again. We'd went down to once a week because I know he's uncomfortable with being stuck twice a week, not being able to heal completely and then to do it all over again. But he has to eat, so we must start doing it again. He's had it twice this week already, but still no change in his appetite yet. Hoping come Monday after he gets another bit his nausea will go away. If not... idk. We'll obviously have to take him in for an appointment. He hasn't lost any weight yet so I guess that's good.

Having a chronically ill dog is so exhausting. Every time I get comfortable and think he's really gonna make it longer than we expected, something else happens. How do you make the decision enough is enough? He's still so spunky and energized. He doesn't even seem tired or upset not eating much. But I also know I could be blind to signs and romanticizing him.

I really need to talk to the vet to see if they offer euthanasia at home or know of someone who does in the area, just so I can know if thats an option when the time comes. I'd really hate to do it at the office, but obviously if thats my only option... 😔

[tetrisfinished]

homework

on monday i had my appointment with my therapist.

i think this is not new news here - i'm pretty sure i've mentioned that i am seeking professional help in order to straighten out my life, my brain, how i deal with my life, etc.

if i haven't...well there it is.

anyway. she gave me some homework - she asked me to write down all the things that i can that would make my life "ideal".

so i thought i would do that. here. i guess i want to put it here almost as an archive benchmark of the place i'm in now and what i consider to be my ideal place and HOPEFULLY someday look back on it and think wow i've gotten it!

or alternatively someday look back on it and realize perhaps what i thought was my ideal would actually have been wrong or bad for me and....hindsight is of course, 20/20.

anyway so here it is: my ABSOLUTE ideal life would be....that i fall back in love with my husband. i fall back in love with him, i am able to respect him again, i am able to create a non-toxic home for my child who deserves to see his parents in a loving relationship.

that's my ideal.

in this ideal, i don't account for any changes that i want to see in yasir. it only accounts for me making a complete 180 and just developing the ability to let go of my anger and emotions and accept my sole responsibilities and maybe even be grateful for the morsels that yasir picks up and does along the way.

i guess, to be fair, this is only my ideal because i want to provide esa a home that's not broken or severed.

it's not my ideal because it actually is my ideal.

we'll call this "ideal" sabr.

my next ideal is....that both yasir and i change. god knows we both need to . i need to be able to let things go, take away my anger, regulate my emotions.

and yasir needs to understand his responsibilities, act like an adult, take part in the household, actively handle chores and work.

that's my ideal for me....i feel in my heart of hearts that now that is the only way that i will be able to open my heart to yasir. otherwise, we're just too far gone.

and oh, another part of this scenario would be that IDEALLY....i wouldn't have to teach yasir how to be an adult. because - if i've said it once, i'll say it a million times over - i am NOT his mother. i do not take or own the responsibility of raising this manchild. and if we're talking ideals anyway...well wouldn't that be just dandy that one day (with or without help) yasir wakes up and is a sensitive and caring and mature adult human being who willingly takes on domestic labour and parenting responsibilities and IS NOT a lazy fuck.

this ideal i think we'll call.....unattainable.

only because from yasir's words and his body language....he refuses to accept that he actually needs to change. and in his own perception he does more than enough of his part in our family unit.

obviously, i disagree.

my third ideal is...i guess i'll call it acceptance.

i accept that my relationship with yasir has more than expired.

i accept that yasir will not change and it will take only miraculous amounts of said change for me to even bat another eyelash at him.

i accept that i am parenting and working and own responsibility for 2 adults in my household.

and i MOVE THE FUCK ON. in this ideal, i explain to esa....that sometimes mamas and babas don't love each other anymore despite that they still love their esa's the ABSOLUTE FUCKING MOST. but for their own sanities and self respect....they have to separate.

and then we separate. and somehow i get to live and own my own home exclusively with my kid. i find a good babysitter. my kid is NEVER mad or upset with me for making this nasty tough decision. and the rest of the world just sort of....leaves me alone.

in this ideal...i would also LOVE it if every single person went out of their way to validate my decision to separate as well. and no one thought of me as villainous (despite that currently i do feel like i am being perceived as villain bahu in my susraal).

and we go on living. and perhaps in this ideal, i lose a shit ton of the weight i gained and it turns out it was the weight of the stress and the world and the overwhelm that i was carrying that's to my dysfuctional past life and shitty marriage.

and then i become beautiful and someone else beautiful (INSIDE ESPECIALLY) comes into my life and i am able to once again accept a man as my husband and this time....i start off better. but he also treats me right.

those are my scenarios.

i only named one of them unattainable but if i really critically look at them...they're all fucking unattainable.

i'm so done with marriage. and especially my own.

much love,

k

[lexiebowen]

Birth Stories & The Aftermath.

I was going to share Briars birth story (it’s a wild one) but realized I’m not sure if I ever shared Declan's (his was much more “normal”) So instead, I’ll share both!

Sweet Declan. He came into this world 6 weeks early but we had a little time to wrap our heads around the fact that we were about to have a premie.

It was a Wednesday and I had off work to go to a OB appointment. I remember he had stopped moving as much (something that can be completely normal towards the end of pregnancy) but my Dr. ran a stress test just to be sure. We aced it and went home. Later that day I lost my mucus plug (yea gross I know) and then after that started having contractions. I was admitted to the hospital that night. They gave me some meds and slowly my contractions started spacing farther apart and were less intense. Because of this they simply thought it was false labor. They were set to send me home Thursday night but I would require another shot first for Declan’s lung development just in case. I asked to stay one more night, just in case. Well nothing changed and Friday morning they were ready to send me home again but just in case they would check my dilation. Ha. Ha. Ha. Yea I wasn’t going anywhere, in fact, I was told I’d be having a baby that day.

I got my epidural and that was the best thing EVER. It didn’t hurt until he was ready to come out. I remember yelling I needed to push but they told me I had to wait for the Dr. Way to anger a pregnant lady in labor (also this same exact thing happened with Briar). Hahaha. Once Dr. came I only pushed for about 1/2 an hour and Declan was born! I only got to hold him for a hot minute and then he was off to the NICU. All in all it was a very pleasant, fairly relaxed, and uneventful birth.

So now, Briar.

Going into this pregnancy we knew our chances of having another premie were high and that I would need “specialty” care throughout. Every. Single. Thing. looked fine Every. Single. Time. and they were confident this baby would go the distance. Well Briars story starts very similarly to Declan’s.

It was a Monday. I had my last specialty ultrasound to make sure she looked like she was staying put. She did. Everything looked great. Just like Declan post appointment, two days later she was born. The difference, hers was not expected and we had zero time to prepare.

I woke up Wednesday morning with what I thought was bad gas pain. I had a lot of digestive issues during my pregnancy with her so I didn’t think anything of it at first. Lunch time rolled around and they kept getting worse… so i googled “what do contractions feel like”…. Yea. I was having contractions all right. I started timing them and they were starting to meet the criteria so I called the Dr.

I’m not sure why they didn’t admit me right away because that’s what they did back in Stillwater with Declan but instead they just make a regular appointment for me to get checked out.

So, I was home alone with Declan. We just moved to Marshfield. I called my dad and had him head on over (they live an hour away). His truck key broke. He was delayed. The one day I needed to get ahold of Jordan… I could NOT get ahold of Jordan. I had to call his company and they had to track him down. My appointment was set for 3:30, Jordan got home around 3. At this point I was trying not to panic, still in denial I was in labor. I kept telling myself it was fine, we’d go to the Dr., they’d give me some meds, and she’d stay put awhile longer. I was trying to keep it together and do things to ease the contractions but that was not working so we headed over early.

At this point I was in full on labor. But I didn’t know it. Although deep down I think I did, I was just in full straight up denial. I was NOT ready to have this baby.

My dad hadn’t arrived yet and Declan couldn’t come in with us so Jordan dropped me off and I somehow managed to painfully make my way to my appointment, what a sight I must have been. Through pain and tears I managed to check in and wait in agony to be called back.

I was in full on labor. Dilated and effaced. They immediately admitted me and wheeled me up. I was in so much pain and kept asking for my epidural. Still in complete denial this baby was coming. Still no husband.

We got to the hospital around 3:15/30… Jordan made it up to my room right before they had to wheel me into the delivery room… Briar was born at 4:08. Talk about cutting it close. This situation was one of those to the T. We had literally just moved to Marshfield about a week and a half prior. Had we still lived in AC, Briar would have been born in the car on the side of the road, because again, I didn’t process that I was in full on labor.

She came fast and ALL natural. There was simply no time for pain meds and crap it hurt. Just ask Jordan, his eardrums might still be recovering. But then I got to snuggle with her for a little bit (much longer than with Declan) and then she too was taken to the NICU. She cooked a whole 4 days longer than her brother and was born at 35 weeks and a few days.

I wouldn’t recommend this type of birth, I’m still traumatized (ladies get an epidural) but it resulted in one beautiful baby girl and a pretty wild story to tell.

It was a hard pregnancy and a birth I would have NEVER envisioned for myself, and to be honest it’s been a lot to process. I am forever thankful, grateful and blessed for my two healthy beautiful babies but what I went through was hard and there is no denying that and nothing can take away from that. I never thought I’d be the mom to a premie and have a NICU stay…I had two.

I always envisioned a big ole baby shower party, my babies were born before that could happen. I always thought I’d breastfeed, neither had good latches (B was better but my health issues ultimately were too much to keep trying). There is so much I wish would have been different, oh to have experienced one “normal” pregnancy/birth and heck even postpartum. But that’s not my (our) story. Our story is messy and full of heartache and pain but it’s still beautiful, and it’s ours. I have the two very best, most beautiful children. Out of all the pain, all the struggles, all the hard, there is so much good. Gods grace, his goodness, his provision, his PLAN is what I will cling to with everything I have because without it I’ll dwell too much on the “should have/ could have been.” But at the same time I know I need to give myself grace and that it’s ok to feel all those messy feelings and that doesn’t take away the gratitude I also have. It’s ok to think about the “should have beens” and it’s ok to be angry about how things did not go to plan. You can grieve and have gratitude simultaneously. You can heal from trauma and move forward while still acknowledging the pain that lingers. I have two very beautiful children, and it matters, but it’s not all that matters.

Pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and raising kids… it’s all hard, messy and simultaneously beautiful and it’s ok to have parts you don’t love. On the hard days, on the good days, you’re never alone and I guarantee at least one (but honestly hundreds) of mothers feel EXACTLY how you do. You’re not the only one whose birth plan got thrown out the window and run over. You’re not the only one whose baby wouldn’t latch. You’re not the only one who struggles. You’re not alone.

[worldofroma]

June 1st, 2023, Thursday - 4:23pm

I have one therapist appointment left. Last appointment I attended included me, at an all time high, speaking to my therapist while a therapist-in-progress watched the entire time. I was doing fantastic; just got back from the Magnetawan trip and felt like a whole new and improved woman, I started communicating with my old friends more to reconnect and widen my social circle, and I had new clothes on the way for the Quebec trip and I could slay everyone away with my appearance in another province. But since then, 8 days ago, things have changed quicker and more drastically than ever.

The following weekend after the appointment, I was with Kaitlyn, her sister Hannah, and Mya. Just recently, I began being an absolute fiend for vaping, but only when it means I get to use someone elses vape. I love the buzz. Anyway, because of this new habit I was vaping all day. Never before had I ripped from a vape for 7-8 hours and getting an amazing buss every single time, so this took a toll on everything. Later on at her house, I started feeling sick. Turns out, vaping all day and then getting crossed don’t go well together unless you’re a full time vaping-smoking weed-drinker. So around 12:30, I needed to go to bed before I projectile vomited all over Kaitlyn’s house and entire property. I decided to call into work the next day and lie to my mother about being there as my job is in another town then where we live. I got away with that, now I regret doing it. This entire week at school has been increasingly boring now that all we have to do is our bike trip in Quebec.

Monday: Bike from Meaford to Collingwood. Tear your leg open during this due to a failure to warn about stop and we all collided.

Tuesday: Wake up late. Get ripped up by Blue’s claws while trying to get him in a cage to the vet. Lose your shoes 10 minutes before a trip to rockcliming and caving. Do your hair wrong. Forget your bag and get yelled at by Mr Legace for it. Spend the most boring day of your life doing everything you promised yourself you’d never do.

Wednesday: Forget everything you need before another trip, because you’re taking care of Blue now that he’s fixed and terrified of life, including lunch and water. While on the bus there, I was explained to how my stepfather was accused of being like my father by my mother, realizing how shitty of a person she’s become and wishing I was her daughter instead of her “best friend”. Cry on the bus because of it. Spend all day outside covered head to toe in clothing in 30 degree weather because we are in a swap. Do boring science stuff all day I couldn’t even tell you a single thing about because of how uninterested I was all day. Learn embroidery, self taught.

Thursday: Wake up early to take care of Blue again, make sure he has food and water in his system as well as some of it in the kitty litter, and take of his cone and give him medicine. Get your period. Spend yet another day on a field trip in the middle of no where doing the same thing as yesterday. Get extremely painful period cramps at the same time as a heat stroke began to kick in. Sleep on the gravel road using your life jacket as a pillow in front of everyone. Get picked up by your step dad only to be futher consumed in his and my mother’s painfully unneeded arguments that only made me feel worse. Why am I always the unconsenting therapist to 2 emotionally unavailable people when they rant about each other as I think about how they deserve nobody but each other? Notice Luna’s missing and because I needed picked up to be saved from my personal hell, apparently that makes it my fault the window was left open and she jumped out the window.

Friday: Don’t go to school because of the heat stroke, so you clean your room and still feel dirty. Look for Luna now that it’s confirmed she’s missing, don’t find her. Go to school to hang out with Kaitlyn and get my bags for the trip, spend a day at school pretending to be one of the students in Kaitlyn’s afternoon classes and realize how much I’m missing out on because of GENESIS. Go home and write in that dumb journal.

But besides all that, I’ve actually been thinking about a lot of philosophic things lately. Not actually philosophic, but just random things.

Like, why do people care about celebrities so much? I understand concerts because it truly is art depending on the artist and it can be compared to visiting a museums in a way, but anything else is beyond me. Paparazzi? Why do you need a picture of them going to the grocery store? Get a life. The fucking Met Gala?? What the hell is that? I’ve never seen something so dystopian compared to the Met Gala, it’s actually insane. Also, why are tiktokers considered celebrities? OH MY GOD NO WAY they can lipsync half decently for 15 seconds and reply to your comment!!!!!!!! I don’t get it. And to a point, it actually gets disgusting.

Also, why do people care so much about anything in general? Half the people in my class get so stressed out over the smallest details or issues and I can literally smell the distress on them. Why do you correct me on everything I do when it actually doesn’t matter at all? Why are you so concerned about something being done properly to and to a T when we both know damn well that doing a half assed job will work to the same extent? I just don’t understand. I don’t mean to be one of those wannabe hippies or anything, but jesus christ I need everyone on earth to have access to weed and just chill the fuck out. It’s embarassing how much people care. With this mindset, lots of people have left. Lots of people don’t engage in a conversation with me if I don’t act uptight, but I find that to be the greatest thing in the world because it keeps me from interacting with such losers I want to punch in the face with the words “grow up”.

[kgs-thoughts]

Over it

I have been short tempered and angry most of the week. The littlest think have set me off let me start from Sunday.

Sunday, when I was on the phone with Te, she had clicked over to answer a call and dropped the call. Idk why but I felt my mood change. Then I checked the GPS to see how far behind Shonda was to see that it looked like she was at a shopping center. Idk why but I had the thought that she purposely had Crishon come with me so that she and Brittany could hang out longer there and not go to dance practice. So, I called her "How's it going?" Her: Stopped to get Brittany something to eat, she seen this Mexican restaurant" Yeah I made up the other scenario but I still felt upset. Once I get to Columbus, Te calls me back and fills me in with what happens, the call was choppy which didn't help my irritation but I understand why she had to call me back.

Monday, I had tried to order chipotle for the house but my card kept declining even with the money there. Then the bank calls me 4 hours later to ask if I was the one making the purchase and no one was forcing me to.

Tuesday, I get a call back from my doctor's nurse about my prescription, she informed that they would put it in so I can go pick it up, but need to me get an EKG soon because of my blood pressure. After work I hurry to the VA to get my prescriptions before the close. As I am walking up Dr Gupta calls me and the VA is locked. On the phone with my doctor she informs that someone has increased the restrictions on my medication. Pretty much if I am not able to get my blood pressure under control she isn't going to be able to continue to prescribe me my medication. I inform her that I need this medication in order to keep my job because I feel like I keep losing jobs because of lack of concentration and ADHD. She prescribed me 7 days supply and ask that I come in on Tuesday. So I'm upset because here is another time something has gone wrong

I guess the problem is I feel like things just keep going wrong.

I went to the ER Tuesday night because of my blood pressure, wanting them to prescribe me something to get my bp down but nope they just told me to monitor my bp until I see my doctor again and to schedule an appointment.

I get up early Wednesday morning to get my prescriptions from VA everything goes well and I leave a copy of my EKG that was done at the ER in Dr Gupta's mailbox. On the way home I'm hungry so I stop to get breakfast, everyone is still at the house so I texted Shonda who is up. I stopped at BK and grab breakfast for everyone. Then when I get home I find out that Brittany has already cooked breakfast and everyone has ate. I was done, I asked Shonda to leave me alone for the rest of day. OH yeah she said she didn't see my question about everyone being up. She apologized but the damaged had already been done.

Thursday, yeah I'm over it. I call off work because Niqo woke up from a nightmare at 330a and didn't get back to sleep until close to 5a. So I called off work, figured Niqo is on spring break and I hadn't really had the chance to spend time with him. My first thought was to take him to Lego Land at Easton but those tickets are $30 each nope! Then I seen Super Mario Bros was playing. Thought it would be a nice opportunity for Shonda, Niqo and I to go to the movies. Then my dumbass, Shonda had told me that Brittany's Nephew that is the same age as Niqo, I ask Brittany if he was available not telling her why. But she had to run off with Shonda to harass her about some bs, I digress. Come to find out he wasn't available. But while the were gone Niqo over heard me tell Te that we were going to the movies. Wanted to be a surprise but the damage is done. While we are getting ready to out the door Brittany ask Niqo if he is excited to go to the movies and adorably he says "Yes, with Mommy, Babe and Beecee (aka Brittany)" FML. I still need to go to the store to get a few things before I left to Cleveland to be with Te. I wanted to go before the movie so I could come home and finish packing. Well at the store, somehow I ended up buying a new TV for my bedroom, a desk for Niqo and a trash can. Was all this on my list yes but I didn't want to buy all this with Brittany. However it happened. I going back and forth about the TV considering we were going to the movies and it would be sitting in the car unsupervised while we watched the movie. But I covered it up with blankets and we were able to watch the movie, which was good and Niqo enjoyed it, the TV was still there when we got out the movie. Get home and Niqo starts putting his desk together on his own, I stop him and finish it. Because I brought the TV we were able to do musical TVs and somehow I ended putting 3 holes in the walls and realized I need to lower Niqo's tv. Little inconvenience but nothing to major. Then on my drive up to Cleveland I got pulled and got a ticket, not for speeding but for the car not being registered. Also let me not forget that I forgot my bp medicine at home.

Nothing has happen today, I really hope dinner goes great tonight with Te, because I can't handle anymore shit. There probably is more but it just more shit on the mound.

[romanarose]

A one shot request

this is a request that @ahookedheroespureheart sent me!

I hope you like it! It's kinda like the start to Sunshine, but different! I kinda took a lil inspo from the Spider-Man/ Mj kiss from the first spider man movie bc that scene changed my life.

Remember kids, if someone is knocked unconscious, take them to a hospital! But for the sake of this fic, we'll ignore that

'Prompt idea. Steven has a crush on a coworker at the Museum. One night on his way home he notices her getting roughed up by a group of guys that jumped her. She's rendered unconcious & he has to step in to rescue her. He takes her back to her flat & waits by her side till she wakes up slowly in a daze, confused wondering who this mysterious stranger saved her. She wants to know who he is so she slowly lifts up his Mask just below his nose brushing his face lightly with her finger tips 'Are You Real? Or am I dreaming' 'I can assure you love,you are not dreaming' 'How do I thank you for saving my life?' *She looks at his lips & shyly smiles. Blushing *"

ENJOY

My asks are open for head canons or one shots!

Not beta read, have mercy

Steven Grant was in awe. Granted, he was generally in awe of you most days. He was in awe of you when he first saw you. It was your first day of work and he couldn’t believe that someone could look so casual but so beautiful. He was in awe of you every day as you led the children's groups, so friendly and kind to the little kids as you guided them through history themed crafts. And he was in awe of you now, how he saw you groaning and rubbing your eyes, but when he walked over to check on you, you swept it all away and lit up when you saw him. 

“You alright, love?” He asked.

You smiled at him, touched by him checking in “Yeah, just tired. I’m heading home now. Thank God.”

“I’m not off for another half an hour, if you’d like to wait I can walk you home?” Steven offered. He walked you home many nights during the week. Most nights, actually. And you wanted to wait for him, you really did. You relished those walks, he always asked you a million questions about your family, he listened to you complain about your younger sister getting in trouble with your parents again or your friend drama. Why did a guy care so much about people that he didn’t know? He seemed genuinely sad when you said your sister has been drinking a lot and he laughed so much when you explained your friend's mess of a dating life.

“As much as I would love to, I gotta get home. I have an early morning doctor’s appointment and I need to stop at the store before I get home.”

Steven was disappointed. He looked forward to the walks as much as you did. “But who will tell me how Amy’s tinder date went?” He joked. Really he cared more about updates on your sister. The whole situation seemed to stress you out so much.

You laughed “I’ll fill you in on Monday, I promise the weekend will get you some good stories.”

“Okay, be safe.”

“Thanks, you’re a sweetheart.”

Steven was walking home, wishing you were with him. You two lived pretty close to each other, you used to play around with paths to take, switching streets and sometimes going down an alley to “spice things up” as you said. Eventually, you settle on a path you liked. It passed a gay bar that was always having a good time and you two had gotten to know the security guard at the hospital you passed. Whenever the walk sign was about to change red, you both ran across the street to make it. If it were up to him, he’d stay and wait for the next round of green lights, but the first time it happened you took his hand and dashed across the street. The look of joy on your face from that tiny hit of excitement? Well, he’d run across every yellow light for the rest of his life if it made you smile like that. He was in awe of you. Steven took the way home the two of you always took, he missed you.

When Steven heard shouting, he didn’t initially think it was you. All he knew was a woman was in the alley getting attacked and he knew what he had to do. Steven summoned the suit and rushed to where he found, to his horror, you. Before he could react, he saw one of the men attacking you knock you out and Steven jumped into action. He made quick work of the men. He wasn’t sure if they were dead or not; it wasn’t his intention to kill them, but it wasn’t like he was trying to keep them alive… He looked over to you and could see you were in an out of consciousness, watching him.

First things first, he checked your pulse. Breathing, that's good. Steven sat down and carefully pulled you up onto his lap, checking for injuries. No blood, that’s also good. He scooped you up and still his suit, he carried you to your apart. You occasionally stirred, which was also a good sign. You had looked up and seen his masked face, but you didn’t look scared.

Steven sat by your side in a chair he pulled in from the kitchen, watching you, waiting for you to wake. Steven kept the suit on, knowing he could reveal his secret identity to you.

When he finally saw you wake, he moved to your bedside. You looked at him in confusion “Who are you?” you ask, not really expecting an answer.

You reach out, slowly, pulling up his mask just under his nose, brushing over his skin with the pads of your fingers. You tried to pull it up further, but Steven took your hands, stopping you. You saw him smile and despite not feeling well, you were comforted by the smile. You would recognize those lush lips anywhere.

“Are you real?” You whispered. “Or am I dreaming?”

Steven knew he wasn’t doing well with keeping his secret, but he didn’t much care “I assure you love, you are not dreaming” He brushed back hair out of your face as you still laid on the pillow. 

“How do I thank you for saving my life?” You glance at his lips, hoping he gets the hint.

“You don’t have to do anything but get better” You bring a hand back to his face, not daring to make a move on the mask again, but you brushed his lips with your thumb. When he didn’t move in but didn’t pull away, you figured he would never make the first move. You know your sweet Steven would never want you to think you had to do anything. But boy, did you want to. You gently guided his mouth to yours, and finally did what you had wanted to do since the day you saw him.

Hello! Comments mean the world, reblogs help a lot! If you like this, come drop a follow and check out my ongoing MK story, sunshine starlight sweetheart Brightside which you can find on this blog or on my AO3, which is romana_rose!