#he had just left a 4h exam

[alasy]

Met a cute guy today, said goodbye and ik we wont ever see each other again but its okay

[writing-tics]

getting diagnosed with a tic disorder

I just wanted to try out talking about that experience. maybe someone will relate, or find it useful.

i don't really remember how my tics started. i have a tendency of not acknowledging my feelings and brushing things off. i have always been a little jumpy, so I just blamed my weird shrugs and other weird unwanted movements on being easily scared.

they got really bad after my 18th birthday. and soon i asked my parents to see a neurologist.

before that we had conversations about me seeing a specialist, but i didn't want to hear about it. i wanted to pretend that everything was normal.

i went to the neurologist privately. which means that i didn't have to wait too long for the visit but I had to pay for it. my school needed a confirmation that i do have that disorder for my final exams.

i was very stressed, but the doctor was super nice. i had prepared a whole document in which i described all my symptoms, with dates if i could remember them, what my tics feel like, what makes them worse, what makes them better, family history of tics, or similar conditions, etc.

she was really nice and understanding. i don't remember the specific questions that she asked, but something about what is distracting/difficult about them. stuff like that.

she asked me to close my eyes and touch my nose, or left ear, stuff like that. also she had a little stick (like the ones doctor use to look into someones throat) and she would lead it from my fingertips up to my shoulders. she also checked my knee jerk reaction.

over all it was more of a chat, than an actual physical test.

she gave me a prescription for a brain scan (magnetic resonance, which i couldn't do due to having braces, and we switched to an MRI with contrast) - nothing wrong with it, thank fuck. and she prescribed me medication. i fucking hated those meds. they were Awful.

I never got a diagnosis from her. She gave me meds, and reassurance that this is probably psychological, which was enough at the time. Even tho she was a really good neurologist, tics were not her speciality, so i tried another guy.

AND BOY O BOY

he was supposed to be the lead specialist on tic disorders in my country. and maybe he was.

i spend 4h traveling from my city to the capital, just so i could see him.

i knew that he would probably asked my father my childhood, so i was prepared that my dad would be present for a while during the visit. but no, the doctor ever asked him to go out of the room, after the conversation about my childhood ended (it was brief, i had no symptoms in childhood). the doctor would ask my dad about other stuff as well, stuff i could have easily have talked about myself.

and then he asked me about my self harm, and depression, and suicidal thoughts (with my father still present in the room). i answered truthfully, even tho I REALLY wanted to lie. i came out of that visit with my F95.9 diagnosis, and a bunch of other diagnosis like anxiety and stuff. and a prescription for anti-anxiety drugs that i never bought.

i am not sure if the F95.9 is my disorder, but it does fit my symptoms somewhat, so that's why i use it. it's definitely not TS, and at this point idc anymore. the guy saw me one time, and with my dad present, so the diagnosis is very questionable imo, but hey. whatever.

[diaryofjustinantonio]

January 6th, 2018 - 2

Sigh, I’m gonna try again even though I’m very disappointed in Tumblr for playing me like this.

Last day in Camrose, and hopefully my last one for a long long time. Mom woke me up around 7:30 and we had coffee together along with cereal for me. Unfortunately, I made her cry and I feel so shitty about it now. I mentioned that there were so many things that I went through that I could’ve just lived without and I brought up their past homophobia. I feel bad even more since she’s already sick. Man am I so shitty…

I went back to my room but fell asleep until about 13, which was a shame since I was trying to fix my sleeping pattern. I had a late lunch: those Indonesian noodles with sausages and spinach. I felt so bloated afterwards…

After that, mom helped me start packing and I’m so thankful that she bought my a bunch of clothes when they were in California. It seems like my backpack and luggage are both pretty heavy but oh well, better heavy than not a lot to bring back.

I also gave my extra condoms to Andrew just in case he needs it (surprise, surprise, no action for me during the entire break) and I also found out that I actually brought the seeds I thought I left in Montréal with me…including the hemp/cannabis seeds. I find it weird how the airport security staff in Dorval Airport didn’t detect it (or they did but either it’s actually not illegal to carry or they didn’t care).

After dad arrived, we had dinner and we also played with Belle. We also talked about tentative plans to go somewhere else for the next Christmas/winter break. I told them as long as it’s somewhere warm, I don’t mind. But honestly, if I could have more fun by myself in Montréal or elsewhere, I might just have to do that. Dad mentioned that since Andrew’s going to finish high school and go to university soon (I mean not really, he still has 4 years to go), we should make it a tradition to have Christmas together. I’m not sure if I can actually maintain that tradition…most especially at the point in time when I’m living elsewhere.

Delphine sent a picture of her new bullet journal to our group chat and I’m honestly so jealous. Hopefully, I’ll be able to buy a notebook for making one with the gift card for the Paragraphe store that Juli got me for my birthday, but no worries nor big deal if I don’t. I’m content with an agenda, Google Calendar, Listography, and this blog.

Speaking of gift cards, I also have a $5 gift card for iTunes and I contemplated about buying the song Portions for Foxes by Rilo Kiley but then I thought nah, I’ll just find another song as my good morning ringtone.

Hopefully, I’ll see Javi tomorrow. He told me he’s quite sad because his family flew back to Madrid after visiting him for Christmas. I know that we’re friends now but there’s still that thought that thinks we’ll be an awesome couple if he lived here or if he didn’t have to fly back to Madrid after his exchange session. Man, I wish I could live in Spain. There was a point in time when I cried alone because he reminds me so much of myself and when I was with him, I felt like I’m experiencing the childhood that I never had. I’m not sure if I’m making sense but ahh, I hope I could clarify this one day. Hopefully, he wouldn’t mind being more than friends without defining it as a serious relationship because I really do like him and I think he does like me back as well.

Speaking of Madrid, I might save up and work during June and/or July so I could visit Spain (and maybe two more countries) because I really want to travel outside North America this year. Javi said I could always come and visit and I hope I could stay over and not worry about my accommodation, but Couchsurfing is a thing, thankfully.

I found out a few years ago that the easiest way for me to become a Spanish citizen is to live there for 2 years, gain residency, and then apply for naturalization. I really want to achieve this, not only for myself but for my kids. I believe my future lies in Europe and being connected to cultural roots would give me some sense of contentment, maybe even…enlightenment? I don’t know when I’m gonna do this, maybe after finishing my bachelor’s degree or even finishing my last term there but it has to happen.

2018 is also the year where I turn 21 and it’s been 3 years yet I haven’t bought a single lottery ticket and that’s gonna change soon. I think I might buy one every month or every other month to see my chances…not actually chances, but I know the law of attraction and the universe both got my back!

I’m worried that the winter storms might delay my flights but I’m optimistic that I’ll get to Montréal in time. I’m really going to try making the switch to the Dutch/German lifestyle of agendas and planning, and planes and public transport being on time would REALLY help me a lot here.

I’m also so so nervous for the next semester. I didn’t study at all (nor opened that physics book I borrowed from the public library) for my calculus and physics deferred exams, and I’m taking 15 credits! From 9 in each of my freshman terms to 12 last semester to this many! I mean, I have to get used to a heavy workload because some engineering students will have semesters exceeding 15. Anyways, I’m gonna push myself extra hard this semester. Wish me luck and hope I’ll make good choices

I had to repeat everything I wrote down (phew for having a somewhat good memory) so I wasted about an hour but I have to wake up at 3h, leave at around 4h and my flight is at 6h. Not much sleep now (probably won’t even) but I hope I’ll get to sleep during my flight.

Ciao~I’ll probably update before the Edmonton-Toronto flight takes off.

[theleftoverurl]

.*.*. October 16, 2017 .*.*.

Facing the Music :(

So I’m going to do a double-post about yesterday and today because I didn’t have time last night.

Yesterday was a very, very bad day because I finally had to face the music and deal with the fact that my disorganization has meant that I haven’t completed one of the capabilities that I need for my degree. I have been in denial about it for a long time and pushing it back. In first year I was very nervous and had strong personalities in my hospital group, so I never felt able to speak out and I did not feel comfortable (especially as I was a first year) doing my SOCAs then. By the end of the year I was in a mild form of panic about it, but rationalized that I had to do 4 and there were 4 courses next year, so all I had to do was do one per course. Additionally, I already had one under my belt sans reflection, and I don’t think the importance of the reflection had made its impression on me.

Despite the fact that upon reflection I sort of knew about that being a key component as expressed during clinical skills, the fact that I was still settling into interstate life, being in college underage and not being able to rely heavily on my friends because they were new led to this negligence. I made a terrible mistake out of laziness in not checking the other requirements, such as what courses I had to do them in and that they were actually due after the 3rd course of second year. I have also always struggled with asking for help as I have never really had to do it and I think maybe it is pride to some extent or just being scared to ask. I was also too scared to ask my new friends about the requirements of SOCAs or how to submit a reflection because it was so late in the year and I was afraid of judgment. In hindsight, it’s sort of fitting that I’m going to fail the Effective Communications capability.

Unfortunately for me, this realization all came crashing down towards the end of the second course and then I didn’t contact anyone about it because I was in a state of homesickness and general misery for most of the end of Semester 2 and couldn’t get my act together. I don’t want to call it depression but it was the most prolonged state of helplessness, stasis and low-key just feeling down that I’ve ever experienced. Veronica had suffered a panic attack, Hadeel had tried to kill herself, Kate’s dad was really sick so her mum had to come up, I was in the process of breaking up with my boyfriend and then I had this to stress about too and I just couldn’t deal. I considered talking to the psych about it, Ute, but I’ve never approached a psych before and I didn’t want it to seem like a cop-out trying to get out of the fact that I dropped the ball sort of thing. Also I just couldn’t seem to motivate myself to do anything during this period. Luckily 2nd course ended so I got to go home and recuperate a bit.

Then when I got back ready to start 3rd course and deal with this I realized a terrible thing – I forgot to submit my hospital SOCA for the 2nd course amidst all that misery. I was very upset because I made super sure to get it done, but there is no fax machine in college and so my inherent lack of motivation kicked in and I brought it with me to Perth to scan it in during the holidays but by then it was too late. Then we had a weeklong break because it was university break even though we had just started so the med office was closed, and the week before that I went to Singapore (I arranged it so I only ended up missing one class and I am glad that I went).

Then last week I spoke to Katie, head of my floor about it because I wanted advice and anatomy help for pracs and she wasn’t very helpful, to be completely honest. Very lovely and encouraging, but I knew then that I had to go to MESO. I went that Friday but the Phase 1 coordinator was not in, so I sent an email. The reply came on yesterday.

My issues with communicating about this issue were sort of exacerbated by email because I had to keep it short and to the point. Also I know all of the above does not negate the fact that I just dropped the ball and was lazy and disorganized and it’s jeopardized by degree but I’m a university student and a teenager, so I wanted to sort of explain myself and realized that I just can’t. There’s no way I can summarize the above and frankly I don’t really think it makes a difference to my case either way. However my lack of being able to tell my account and the fact that my case bounced between different people in charge through a very long email chain meant that I spent the entire day being reprimanded by different people, and ruminating on my mistakes without really having an outlet to vent/let it out/explain myself. This made me very miserable and distracted so I probably didn’t do a very good job at all of tutoring that afternoon.

However, luckily my common sense kicked in enough to realize I still have to prepare for exams and I still have to try my best in anatomy and study really hard for the other components, so I had quite a productive day. Hospital was cancelled because our tutor forgot and my ethics teaching for peer teaching was today so I did a lot of work on that and got through some notes for the general med course. We had a group meeting and I had come up with some really interesting/controversial ethical issues and linked them to the main topic (euthanasia) so it was a really good group meeting. I really like Luke, he’s a top bloke and Kuheli and Hei Wai were good at expressing their opinions which gave me a lot of hope for my lesson.

Then after tutoring I missed the bus (probably because my mind was after other things) and so made it as far as Newmarket and then had to pay $15 to Uber home which was really annoying. In a very, very bad mood I went up to Floor 7 where Kate was starting to pre for El Topo and I figured that there wasn’t really much more I could do about my Effective Communications cap right now, so I might as well go out and have fun. I borrowed a really nice dress from her for pink party (to raise awareness for breast cancer) and we drank a bottle of bubbly. By then I was feeling a little better because I’m (too) good at compartmentalizing my problems. We joined Loz and Jaime and stuff for a floor crawl and Linley was absolutely trashed. Then we headed for the bus. I was feeling good cos I only had 3.5 standards in me so wasn’t drunk at all and it was the last time Baxter went out as a college and the last party bus too.

Linley vomited into a bin the whole bus ride, so Max took her home. Kate, Claudia and Nick were really triggered because she was being dramatic about it and wanting them to leave the club to see her and they didn’t want to. Kate and I had agreed as soon as the music was shit we would go home because I wanted an early night to do work in the morning and she had class but the music was so good. It was a really good night and we still left relatively early and Hamish tagged along. Kate went straight to bed when we got back and so I was left to my own devices. I added tuna to Mi Goreng and it was probably one of the best decisions of my life. A bit too salty but I love tuna and I love noods and I felt proteinated and a bit more healthy and a bit more full. Brilliant.

Hamish sent me the weirdest passive-aggressive texts about me ignoring him all night and never talking to him etc. etc. and it was just so awkward because like I do want us to be friends but I also don’t really care like I’m not really going to touch base a lot or anything. I want it to sort of be like low maintenance cos I ain’t got a lot of time but I feel like he and I are just on completely different pages now.

Finally, full and feeling marginally better, I took the 4h of sleep available to me.

 .*.*. October 17, 2017 .*.*.

Work, work, work, work, work, work :)

That title is fairly representative of my life anyway in the next 2 weeks with 55 lectures to catch up on.

Anyway, I was woken up at 7:00 to take the college picture which I didn’t really give a shit about but didn’t want judgment from Kate for not going. I then tried to go in my Baxter jumper and pyjama shorts but then saw that everyone bothered to put on nice clothes so rushed back to change. How ridiculous. We are wearing our academic gowns so you only see a strip of clothing and there are 210 people in Baxter, so you’re hardly gonna see you pinky fingernail-sized face let along your formal dinner gowns. I felt so dead but a little better after hot brekky.

Then I tried to get back to sleep to no avail and was just drifting off when I was woken by the cleaner. I took my book Peak and my laptop to the common room and had a nice peaceful morning reading and doing lots of med work. I skipped the tutorial we had (I think it was physiology?) because I got a follow-up email from the professor in charge of portfolios for my college and the time he gave me to ring him was during the tute. I gave him a call and it was really quick and basically he said he has no information about what I can do, he has to ask Dr. Taylor (who refused to tell me anything yesterday so good luck) and to get back to him tomorrow. He did say if I fail though it “sets you back to the end of February” which I think is wrong because we don’t start uni till then anyway? Anyway all you do is rewrite your portfolio and they “get you to do things like SOCAs” so I think it should be okay cos I can’t imagine being set back very far and my only concern now is doing the SOCAs when I’m in Perth for the holidays, but I can probably come back early anyway as I have settled accommodation here. So that was some relatively good news.

I ran my ethics tutorial and it wasn’t as good as I expected but it was also more interesting and in some ways better than I expected too. Karim said it was interesting which I thought was high praise. Steph was her usual self-absorbed whiny self and Pam looked like she was gonna kill me when I gave my argument for gay marriage. However, everyone participated and I think they at least appreciated what I was trying to do. No one in my group commented on it so I think it was okay. Then we had a last minute group meeting and I was allocated the Johari windows again RIP but I think I can bullshit it well enough (hopefully). It doesn’t really matter anyway.

Then I went to tutor Ella and mum rang me on the bus. I was running really late (30min!) which was embarrassing but mum and I had a good chat even though I feel kind of bad I’m not telling her about this portfolio fiasco but I also feel like that will just cause her unnecessary anger and stress when I’m handling it (finally). I love Ella she’s a beautiful girl and we are really going to work on her problem solving skills so that she’s a confident maths student by the time I’m done with her. Her dad Scott is really nice too.

Then I bussed back and tried to do anatomy but maybe it was the 4h sleep or maybe it was the sudden alleviation of stress from the day before or maybe because I only ate a salad all day but I fell asleep and had an hour-long nap. Then when I woke up I started reading Gray’s Anatomy because I think textbooks are helpful and the consequence is I have a lot of work left to do but I think the nap was a good idea anyway because my concentration was noticeably better.

Now it’s bedtime and tomorrow will be another chaotic day, full of group meetings and tutoring and lectures and follow-up for portfolio and also Tas has come and is staying the night?! So yeah lots of fun and I don’t really even mean that sarcastically, at least I’m busy and my life is sorting itself out and we will just deal with each day as it comes.