#he got tired of me bc i wasnt doing enough on my part like i couldve made more of an effort

[srjlvr]

“I’ve Got My Eyes On You” — ENHYPEN members’ reaction after seeing you in the crowd on one of their concerts ! ,, <3

ot7!enhypen X fem!reader | genre fluff and angst if you squint | warnings none ! | not proofread ! | ✎ ᝰ (‘a note from jo’) . thought about it while looking back at the fate tour pics in korea</3 took me so long to finish it though—

희승 ✶ (heeseung)

i mEANNNNNNN like fr you guys polaroid love heeseung on concerts isn’t enough for you to already know what type of guy he isss?

as soon as he sees you in the crowd he winks at you and just waits for the great opportunity to come close to you

literally dedicating you one of their songs and is just glued to you through the whole song.

when you take out your phone to take a video of your cute boyfriend, he puts your phone down and winks again, later on he whispers that you have him as much as you want so videos are clearly needless.

he would then tell his members that you’re there and they all would look towards you and smile widely when they see you cheering for them.

he wouldn’t even try to hide the fact that he’s biased and whenever they go off stage he’s just casually walking to you and singing to you.

제이 ✶ (jay)

it was obviously a surprise for him since he was so sure that you’re at home sipping your coffee in bed. he was the happiest person on earth when he saw you.

if he was drained and tired before, you brought up his energy and strength to keep on going.

he would probably look at your direction nonstop and would pout whenever he sees your phone instead your face.

what can you do though? your boyfriend’s so fine and you just want to take pics to keep them to yourself🤷🏻‍♀️

HAVE YALL SEEN HIS GUITAR PART IN ATTENTION PLS?? i dont even need to explain✋🏻 he’d probably do his part and look at you for any reaction.

always looking for you and tries to hide the fact that he’s nearly melting whenever he sees you again and again in the crowd.

제이크 ✶ (jake)

eyes literally ✨SHINING✨ when he sees you in the whole crowd—he’d always find you no matter what.

honestly speaking? you’re being served well in this concert.

he’d go off stage and run to you just to give you a water bottle because he’s THAT worried about you. he also wouldn’t be able to hold himself so he hugs you tightly on the way.

no bc i think he’d also just sit in front of you and sing to you so lovely with such a cute smile on his face.

would also for sure pose for your camera when he notices you’re filming him.

as tiring as the choreography gets, he’d just look at you and automatically get all the energy he needed back. he’s so happy to see you there and wants to show you his best.

성훈 ✶ (sunghoon)

he KNOWS where you’re sitting. he literally gave you the ticket and did a deep research on where to find that seat.

yk that one pass the mic choreography when he had a mission to touch the floor? so imagine him doing that but instead of touching the floor he’s literally waving and winking while looking at you.

when it’s time to go off stage he walks slowly and interacts with his fans and when he gets to you he just simply gives you a high-five with a wide smile. (just like he did with his parents😭✋🏻)

will def talk about it in one of their breaks like “i saw y/n today and i’m so happy that she’s here but all i did was just give her a high-five”

feels bad about the high five so he walks up to you again (when he WASNT supposed to do that) and sends you a flying kiss.

thirst traps are dedicated to you definitely✋🏻

선우 ✶ (sunoo)

he was so sad at first before the concert started. he really wanted you to show up but you told him your parents are coming to town and you have to welcome them.

of course that was a lie and you even brought your parents to their concert xoxo.

at first, he didn’t even notice you and just skipped over you, since he was too busy looking around and dancing.

when niki pointed at you and told him you’re here, he got on his knees and started shedding a few tears.

walks up to you again and hugs you tightly, while the staff members are freaking out. he’d also greet your parents and will send them a big big heart.

would probably sing and will replace his part in the middle with something like “y/n’s finally here in the crowd!!” instead of actually singing his lyrics-

정원 ✶ (jungwon)

the cutest baby ever as he notices you in the crowd. starts running around the stage like that naruto run with a wide smile on his face just because he’s so happy to see you.

the members challenged him to do a cartwheel and before he does he goes like “y/n this is for you” and the whole crowd goes craaaaazy—but he failed.

laughs it off and looks at you to see any bad reaction but smiles when he sees you laughing.

wants to go off stage again to get closer to you and looks around for any staff members that could stop him—when he doesn’t see any he just runs to you while laughing mischievously.

goes in front of you on stage and asks you questions such as “did you eat?” and much more.

he’d look at you on his parts to see your reactions which honestly boosts up his confidence because you’d always look at him and tell him he’s doing a good job.

니키 ✶ (ni-ki)

he really wanted one of his favorite persons to show up, his family couldn’t attend so he was hoping you’d be there for him.

you wanted to surprise him but he’s too smart for that, he figured you’d come to the concert.

maybe that’s mainly why he’s been smiling and telling everyone you’re in the crowd before even making eye contact with you.

goes off stage and sends you tons of kisses and hearts.

you already know how mischievous he gets, when his part comes up he’s holding the mic out for you to sing, and embarrasses you in front of everyone (both of you laughed your asses off right after the concert because of that)

talks about you in one of their breaks and wouldn’t stop thanking you for showing up, “y/n came today and i couldn’t be more thankful, i gained a lot of strength because of her”

••• copyright © srjlvr all rights are reserved.

[oniikabuto]

hi i hope this doesnt seem annoying bc i have never requested anything from ppl IDK it makes me anxious 😭 but ur one bed for sp was so cute i adore ur writing !!! do u think u could do it for craigs gang + butters?

one bed! part 2

-- sfw --

part one (main 4 boys)

characters: butters stotch, craig tucker, tweek tweak, tolkien black, jimmy valmer, clyde donovan

a/n: you arent annoying at all dws!! ty for being my first request this is monumental. oh and i wasnt sure if tweek counted as part of craigs gang or not but i adore him so i made one for him. also thank you!!!!!! ;; also jimmy is so underrated i love him so much mwagh

notes: i cant write clyde for shit idk he has no personaluty sorry i love him though; same character dynamic as part 1 (mutual pining, character has a crush on the reader)

— ⛧ b. stotch

complains that it's past his bedtime, but gives in because he wants to spend time with you.

"it's past nine already!"

"well.. yeah. it isn't that late, butters."

"but i always sleep at nine!"

but he'll sit through movies with you anyways because he has a fat crush on you.

except when the end credits start rolling, you look over at butters and he's curled up in a ball, snoring.

you don't have the heart to wake him up, so you quietly shut your laptop and move it off your bed.

he'll probably get in trouble for not coming home at all, but his parents trust you enough. you can probably talk them out of grounding him tomorrow morning.

"butters", you whisper. "leo, you gotta move."

he rolls over, half-asleep and dazed. "huh..?"

"you're staying with me tonight. scoot over."

"o-oh, jeez, okay", he blushes when he feels the warmth of you next to him.

"night, butters."

he's probably praying he doesnt wet the bed he would actually die

murmurs in his sleep and talks about nonsense

drools like a puppy

probably goes mimimimimi like in the cartoons /j

you will wake up with his arm around you. if you move it, he'll find his way back again in his sleep

looks like a baby when he sleeps its so funny you cant help but take photos



— ⛧ c. tucker

you turn around to tell him it's getting late and ask if he needs a ride home

and he's dead asleep. on the floor. textbook over his lap. snoring very softly.

like no wonder it's been so quiet... as you were doing your homework, craig was asleep on your floor.

you felt so bad having to wake him up to move him to your bed

"craig, i'm so sorry. i got distracted, i didn't mean to-"

"it's fine. just let me sleep in the corner. i like your plushies", he yawns.

so he sleeps in the corner against the wall, and you sleep on the outside to make sure he doesn't roll right off the bed.

if you weren't there, he definitely would have bc when you wake up, he's smushed into you.

how can he breathe???

he also violently gnashes his teeth and it's very startling (my brother did that as a kid and i would almost pee myself in fear)

and he'll randomly put his hand somewhere like your face?????? the way he does it is so funny because it always seems like he's wide awake but you look over and he's mouth breathing and sound asleep

yeah he's a mouth breather

it's okay he's a cutie



— ⛧ t. tweak

passes the fuck out from coffee. like CRASHES

"yeah and then i was telling kyle about how- tweek, you okay?"

"tired....... can i go.....mmfjkg"

like at a certain point past 1am he just turns into a dead slug

poor thing

you just send him up to your bedroom and get him a change of clothes so that he doesn't have to sleep in a button-up

except by the time you get up to your room, he's dead asleep.

you don't bother trying to wake him up, since you've never seen him sleep so peacefully.

he's curled up on his side, face buried in your plushies.

you scoot in next to him, so close that you can smell the milky coffee lingering in his hair.

it's kinda nice

in the middle of the night you wake up to a really strange noise.

it's tweek

he's doing this weird clicky thing with his tongue in his mouth in his sleep

like. okay?????? you go back to sleep

and then he flings his whole arm over and WHACKS you hard in the face

"TWEEK??"

"nhg..,"

he just randomly jerks in his sleep, wakes up for a second and falls back asleep

it's very startling

sometimes you have to hold him down with your arms

he loves it



— ⛧ t. black

actually a super chill guy to sleep with

he's enjoyable to have over

you'll both be studying for midterm exams next week, and he yawns

"it's like. ten. do you just wanna spend the night here?"

"is that, uh- is that okay with you?"

"yeah, my room's upstairs. i'll meet you up there in a sec"

he'll text his mom that he's spending the night because he's actually responsible

gets a little embarassed to sleep in your bed

but a win is a win

gets a LOT embarassed when you get in bed with him

falls asleep pretty fast actually

he's a relatively normal sleeper

spends like 30 minutes in the bathroom washing his face and stuff before he goes to bed

"do you have cleanser?"

sleeps like a rock

except for when he randomly talks

like TALKS. clear as day

scares you shitless

"y/n."

'tolkien??? are you up still??"

"why would you do that."

"do what??"

"grape juice"

and then he'd roll over and go back to sleep

does not remember any of his nighttime conversations in the morning

"i said that? are you sure?"



— ⛧ j. valmer

fell asleep on your couch in the middle of a horror movie

to your dismay

because when you turned away from the screen and grab at him in fear, he's SNORING. his ass is SNORING as the clown violently murders the main character.

"jimmy!"

"what?"

you just make a jokingly-angry face at him.

"it's late. can't i ju-just stay h-h-here?"

"well- i mean, sure, but you can't just sleep on the couch, dude. come up to my room, i'll show you."

"re-really?"

grins ear to ear

hes so down bad for you

almost implodes when you lean his crutches against the door and make sure they won't fall

DOES implode when you get in next to him

he smells like dish soap but in a good way

like citrus

you tell him so, and to that he makes a stupid "orange-you happy i'm here" joke

"jimmy, go to sleep."

"f-fine."

makes sure he's got the elastics for his braces in

in the middle of the night he'll whisper your name

"y/n r u still up"

"yeah what"

"i just thought of something really funny"

it gets old so fast but it's okay he's cute



— ⛧ c. donovan

crashes at 8pm after insisting he can pull an all-nighter

refuses to get up unless you drag him by his ankles

and even then he'll lay on the floor like a dead fish

so you just let him stay

meticulously brushes his hair sideways with wet fingers to make sure he doesn't wake up with a bedhead in front of you

he does anyway.

you walk up behind him as he moves his hair "whatcha doin?"

he jumps THREE FEET and whirls around

"nothing!" as if he's hiding a government secret or sum

once you guys r in bed he stops acting all tough and cool and just freaks out

his back will be turned but he's beet red

breathes really loudly when he falls asleep

and sleeps in ATROCIOUS positions

you'll wake up with his foot on your chest and the blanket flipped upside down

someone needs to belt this boy down to the bed or something

he's really a cute sleeper though

sometimes you wake up and see him face-down in a pillow and move him over to make sure he doesn't like. suffocate

and then he wakes up to you on top of him with no context

"....y/n?"



[quodekash]

I didnt get enough sleep last night but its not my fault qtoey fuckin kissed

hes literally the most babygirl in this entire show

HIM FRANTICALLY CLEANING UP I LOVE HIM SM

I love this more than I can ever possibly describe

it's so silly

so goofy

HES SO GOOFY

they should kiss again I think

babes your voice just got three octaves higher, do better at lying next time

who the FUCK is this guy and why is he being introduced in episode 7 of 16 (apparently 16??? it's wild that this show is supposed to be 16 episodes long (according to mdl?) cos we're not even halfway through the show and 2 out of 4 of the main couples have officially kissed, and 1 is officially together. which is insane when you think about how msp is 12 episodes long and tinngun didnt properly kiss til thE END OF THE LAST FUCKING EPISODE)

(no im never getting over this, they COULD have counted 67 FUCKING TIMES throughout the show and they fucking DIDNT)

anyway this guy is probably gonna be a main part of the drama that's gonna go down in order to keep this show long enough 😭

why cant we just keep the light and fluffy show as it is and keep spreading joy and dopamine straight to my bones

two adorable little munchkins standing next to each other

theyre my sons

THAT LITTLE GIGGLE I CANT

whAT rEAlLY???

he asked if he could hit on you, then asked if he could KISS you, AND THEN YALL FUCKIN MADE OUT IN A HAUNTED HOUSE

AND THEN WHEN YOU SAW HIM TODAY, HE MADE SILLY KISSY LIPS AT YOU

so I suggest you all give up on this "plan", and change to this real plan: march up to him, ask him out, plant a kiss on his cheek, take your fuckin artist easels and canvases to a fuckin beach at sunset, paint and make out

oml pun's an astrology girlie

HOLY FUCK ITS HAPPENING

what the fuck no why does it look like its gonna get angsty, I cant do this :(

dont make me watch toey sob, I dont want that, I want them to make out again :((

im so confused dude why is he so angry

I genuinely dont get it

I mean im watching at 2x speed so I can get through this quickly so I might've missed some dialogue somewhere or smth, but still

why's he angry

idk why he's angry but I do know one thing: satang is too fucking good at portraying anguish

im too tired to process words so im not entirely sure what he means but I think it sounds poetic so we're gonna go with that

(ahem) THATS SO BEAUTIFUL WTF

WHAT THE FUCK

brb just gonna rip my fucking SOUL out

"its like im sitting in a vast grassy field with a gentle breeze under a bright sky" OKAY WTF ARE THE GMM WRITERS READING MY TUMBLR POSTS OR SMTH

THATS LITERALLY HOW I DESCRIBED THE WAY WIN PROBABLY FEELS ABOUT SOUND

its why his heart doesnt beat fast for sound, he just doesnt have that kind of crush, its more of a relaxing crush, like a gentle breeze

ill fucking find the post if I can

I literally wrote an extended metaphor poem combined with a fic about it

what the fuck dude

if they're watching my posts then why havent they given us my satang and perth siblings agenda yet

and where is the markford series

gmm I know you're looking at this, answer my fucking questions guys

I LOVE THEIR FRIEND GROUP SO FUCKING MUCH DUDE

they all just make me so happy 😭😭😭

okay but he didnt know you were milk frappe boy when hE FUCKING MADE OUT WITH YOU IN A HAUNTED HOUSE

theyre holdin hansssss

is what I think and want to happen about to happen

that wasnt grammar but its fine

THEYF CYKING END IT THERE??

BUT HES ALL PUCKERED UP

HES READY

ALSO THEYRE IN A SCHOOL HALLWAY AND IT WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY

WTF

I HAVE TO WAIT A FUCKING WEEK TO FEEL JOY????

COME ON MAN

oh fuck yes next week theyre goi g to a volunteer camp

volunteer camp episodes are always comfort episodes so thjis is gonna be GOOD

PUN DID IT BC HE WANTS QTOEY TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER??? BRO HE'STHE WINGMAN OF ALL TIME

well anyway I just wanna see qtoey kiss again :(

ill rewatch that one scene in the meantime

buhbye for now my friends, see yous next week

[gabessquishytum]

OKAY this one came to me in a drug induced haze. So we all know the first thing that comes to mind when we see Hob. Get that man pregnant. Could be whatever variation human/warprize/fertility god etc au, I believe in my haze I was thinking specifically Dragon shapeshifter au ANYWAY. So Hob has just delivered a wonderful beautiful miracle to them, and they could not be more thrilled. They were definitely the Planning Parents who accounted for Every contingency in the baby's first 5 years of life, they have a Plan. Part of this plan, regrettably, was that they'd wait until Baby was at least 3 before having another. They both agreed it was just the Optimal Decision for their Great Baby Life Plan, so they'd have to put aside how ridiculously wonderful/horny those 9 months were. It won't be that hard, they'll have a whole ass child to love and dote on and take up all their time and energy.

The hitch comes when having a baby does nothing to dampen how absolutely devastatingly lustful they are for eachother. As soon as Hob is healed up he's begging for just one round, please Dream? It's been so long. Dream makes him wait another few days to be sure he's healed before they are right back to fucking like rabbits. Many orgasms to balance the discomfort of generally havinga newborn, interrupted sleep cycles, cramps from whatever position he was in too long for nursing, etc. And soon enough it's only been a few months and Hob is honestly? Feeling kind of shitty. He thought it would be getting EASIER as the baby got older and disnt need to be so much stapled to him and slept for longer periods of time, but he's very tired and kind of cranky and achey. It isn't until he starts throwing up that he realizes what's happened. Of course his first thought is ANOTHER BABY OMG YES BABIES. But then he has a rude awakening. He wasnt Supposed to get pregnant again so soon. This will break their whole big plan into tiny peices. Will Dream be mad? Oh no.

But Hob couldn't keep a secret from Dream on a good day, let alone a bad day when he's tired and hormonal, so he puts the baby down, sits Dream down at the table, and weeps his way through explaining that whatever birth control they used couldn't stand up to their vigorous lovemaking and he's pregnant again. Hob is trying to read Dream's reaction but Dream is doing his absolute best not to WIGGLE with pleasure at the dinner table. Another baby!! He and Hob are gonna have more babies!!! He's also counting back in his mind through the days theyve fucked trying to figure out when this happened and can remember at least twice when he either forgot to pull out or maybe forgot the condom? He's a tired dad okay. He does his best not to break out into ecstatic laughter while he holds and comforts Hob and tells him What Plan? We'll make a new plan, with our wonderful extra baby in mind. They quickly work through whatever angst there was and are back to being the sunshiniest happy family there ever was, now with an absolutely Glowing Hob, bc of course pregnancy looks GREAT on him. They are also fucking at increased rates without any birth control again bc what's gonna happen? He'll get MORE pregnant? When the ultrasound shows twins, Hob makes a joke like "Maybe we SHOULD have slowed down lol" but Dream can only vibrate with smugness. Lookit his perfect man. He put SO many babies in him.

Lying on the floor kicking my legs in the air. I'm always deeply obsessed with pregnant Hob content and I'm just very!!!!! Very horny about them being horny for each other.

Hob loves his baby so much. But it IS hard being a new parent, and he's so incredibly tired! The only consolation is that Dream is wonderful and still extremely attentive to Hob’s needs - particularly in the bedroom! Whenever the baby takes a nap, Dream makes sure that Hob gets at least a little bit of an orgasm. With his mouth, or fingers... or his cock. It makes the pain of parenting just a tiny bit more manageable.

Until Hob starts throwing up, and aching all over, and he's crying a lot all of a sudden. He's barely recovered from the first baby, and he doesn't feel terribly comfortable in his body. He knows that Dream still loves him but the thought that he might well be pregnant again is utterly terrifying. What if Dream is angry! What if he was sick of Hob being pregnant the first time, and what if he doesn't want another baby at all!? Oh dear. Hob holds his baby in his arms and gives them lots of cuddles, and calms himself down a little bit. It seems very important that Dream should at least KNOW that he's going to be a father again!

Of course as you've said, Dream has to try really hard to stop himself from CHEERING when he gets the news. He's wanted another baby ever since the first one came along. He wants everything with Hob, and that includes many many babies. Plans are overrated! Loving Hob and their children is the most important thing.

Twins wasn't part of the plan, but as previously mentioned, plans are overrated!! Hob looks incredible. He carries the new babies strongly and well, and provides plenty of milk for the twins, the first baby... and Dream, who loves relieving Hob’s swollen breast by drinking his milk as often as needed. Dream is a very proud father to his first baby AND the two nestled in Hob’s womb. He's thrilled to place his hands gently on Hob’s belly and the small of his back. In public he practically vibrates whenever they're congratulated on their parenthood. As they relax at home, he holds the baby in his arms and pops another cushion beneath the small of Hob’s back. He's going to give Hob as many babies as he can ever want and he's going to take the best care of him. That’s the only plan he’s concerned with now <3

[ratboy-tummy]

New batch of Clone High eps better than the last 2, not a fan of the JoanFK angst but then again I was always on Clone High for the jokes and characters and these eps were funnier and had more fun character interactions.

The confession scene of Frida and Cleo made me crack up ngl, I was expecting the sepia french film bs but I was NOT expecting the background gag.

JFK proves to be a better option for Joan yet again by learning his lesson by himself and apologizing by the heart, P sure they made both eps back to back to proof that while Abe apologizes because is convenient JFK does it bc he means it.

Idk, bored with this arc already but I get that is part of the teen drama will they wont they parody so I gotta handle it. On the other hand tho I NEVER got tired of the main arc in S1 so idk.

Is weird cuz I currently am much more attached to the secondary characters (Cleo counts cuz lets be honest shes been pushed to that role) which sucks cuz Joan was one of my faves in S1.

RIP Ghandi I still miss him.

UPDATE: Sorry the white woman joke wasnt enough to not make Topher's crush feel outta nowhere, dude just say something like "I cannot lose my best friend I wont let you fall for a woman and leave me" or something like that.

Itll be more realistic too come on hed do that.

[boyfeminism]

our ovens are getting replaced at work so we arent able to do any baking tomorrow and today was like. weirdly insanely busy in terms of cookie sales?? so all the excess i made yesterday are like. gone lmao. so i speed baked off another 3 trays of choccy chip down to the fucking Wire of when they were disconnecting our current ovens.

and my fucking boss. motherfucker. after bitching and bitching that we need more cookies on display. came to the back and clasped his hands together in that fucking irritating way he does and is like "i have a meeting, do we have any jumbo cookies?"

and i was already pissed bc id had to deal TWICE with ppl being like maaaaac we neeeeed more choccy cookies ))))): even tho we have LOADS of other kinds that NEED to sell and they WONT if you have choccy chip bc truly if ppl want a cookie bad enough theyll get another flavor and i need those fucking cookies out of my freezer!!!

and Moments before fuck ass boss came to the bake area someone soooo kindly let me know they needed croutons when they had all day to tell me that and our ovens were only going to be available for 30 minutes and i still hadnt taken lunch

and i was just so mad and wasnt thinking about being polite to my boss and said "i really wish you didnt need this on the days that im not going to be able to bake anything" (lightly paraphrasing but only bc i dont remember the way i worded the first part bc i was frustrated, it was snippy and frazzled) and basically told him no bc what we have rn is all we have until the new ovens are in and if he wants cookies he can use the prebaked giant ones we got like a month ago that never got used. so he took two of them and left.

and like. certainly not my most professional. but these people are also spineless and shitty and hes Not likely to say anything to me at all and you know what even if he does i hate this fucking job so much its really hard to care about it.

and like its so frustrating that whenever they need cookies for some fucking meeting or bc they need to bribe it or smthn its On Me to make sure it happens like i dont have a job to do, like they arent always on my ass about needing more cookies even tho no one will get me an actual par number bc no one will put things in the system correctly so they can actually track sales. and im tired!!!!

[industrialgender]

forgot to post this earlier but tolking abt bands i sawwww ^__^

suotana: my 3rd time seeing them yay ^__^ rly good show i had so much fun and was smiling like a dork the whole time. highlight of the 1st day for sure!!!

anima hereticae: hadnt listened to them before. ok bm/melodeath band

kaunis kuolematon: 2nd time seeing them but this time i was at the front and it felt magical

kallomäki: ok dark folk band that puts on an amazing live show ^__^ 2nd time seeing them so i was ready and lining up to be smeared with heretic blood and chanting along

thrown: first band of day 2. metalcore so idgaf

swansong: decent melodeath band w a female vocalist. pretty good but i got the impression they dont have much performance experience

deathchain: good dm band nothing else to say

huora: rly fun female fronted punk band obvs id listened to them before but hadnt heard them live before.

suffocation: screaming crying throwing up. was right at the middle at the barrier and had so much fun ^__^ also i cant believe i got to see the legend terrance hobbs augh

the halo effect: ok melodeath band. hadnt listened to them before. they said they played mostly old shit and more bands need to do this!!

nicole: metalcore/alt metal band so they werent super my thing. the power on stage went out in the middle of their first song TWICE so that was the most amusing part

ingested: 2nd time seeing them and they were ofc great. 3 walls of death fucking killed me tho. missed the last 15 ish mins bc i went to see the next band buy had fun!!

inferia: fun pronogrind band ^____^ super happy i got to see them

body count: i already knew i wouldnt like them so i just chilled and listened to them in the bg (bc it was impossible to not hear them)

horna: augh this band is so good and i was initially so excited to see them but i was so tired and had an awful headache. i hope i can see them again soon and have a better time!

shade empire: first band of day 3. idgaf some ok melodeath/meloblack. didnt listen to the full set

rytmihäiriö: hardcore/thrash type band. ok background music

party cannon: omggg i had so much fun ^__^ literally had it all: pool toys in the pit, wife carrying pit, pushup pit, someone being carried on an infetable orca. this show made me want to dedicate the rest of my life to slam metal

warmed: good bodom type melodeath. wasnt super familiar w them before but enjoyed myself

marianas rest: 2nd time seeing them. only caugh the first 30ish mins of their set but theyre so captivating live omg

blackbraid: good usbm band ^__^ tho there was a cameraman on stage for 80% of the set and he kept standing in front of the band members -____-

thy art is murder: not a deathcore person but i had fun. the pit was SO crowded tho.

kyy: good bm band. had listened to them before but wasnt super familiar w their discog

shadow of intent: like ok melodeath/deathcore band. i barely glanced at the stage but i enjoyed this stuff in the bg tho

verikalpa: ok folk metal band. nothing more to say

satanic north: GOOD bm band. they had someone as a guest vocalist for one song but i wasnt trve kvlt enough to recognize him since he wasnt introduced....

[chronologicalhomestuck]

karkat pov liveblog: part 10 (i am ditching the act thing for now because i dont want to keep track of that and it has reached the point of being a stupid thing to attempt)

whoops its been a while since i last posted here. graduated highschool, lazed around home to celebrate summer beginning, yknow how it is. when i last posted, karkat had just finished trolling john for the second time, at the point in time when john had just had a poorly timed vriska-induced nap that caused the creation of bec noir. i think i fumbled the cause-and-effect and chronology a bit in that post, but whateverrr the minute details are unimportant. im more interested in seeing what karkat is gonna toss my way next!

looks like jade is his next target of torment.

CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT. GG: oh nooooooo CG: SO I GUESS TODAY IS FINALLY THE DAY YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP. GG: >:O CG: IS THERE NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?

oh, i saw someone point this out recently i think, but the parallel to calliope and jane's conversation here is pretty obvious

UU: good morning, lovely. ^u^ GG: Why, hellooooooo. UU: so i gUess today is finally the day yoU make everything better. GG: :B! [...] UU: is there nothing i can do to ease yoUr mind?

but back to jade and karkat! based on karkats messages and the timestamp, its the afternoon (13:04) of april 13th (in jade's timezone, at least, not that any of this matters much).

this conversation consists mostly of

karkat trying to contact the other most obviously responsible member of bec noir's creation

jade getting very mad at this guy! she blocked him already!! leave her alone!

jade blocking karkat again after just a few messages back and forth

from karkats pov this is quite funny.

like this is the entirety of this conversation. jade is already tired of him from conversations karkat hasnt had yet, and karkat is not getting off to a great foot!

i wonder if the way blocking works is that ... karkat wasnt blocked bc from his perspective he hadnt been blocked yet?? does that even work? what kinda paradox is this man ok. thats enough lingering on a 2 minute long conversation.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -- EB: karkat!!! EB: hey buddy, you were making me worried there... EB: are you ok? CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWEET GLOBE TICKLING FUCK. CG: EGBERT, I JUST GOT DONE ERUPTING A WHOLE VOLCANO OF MERCILESS FUCK YOU ON THE PRIMITIVE VILLAGE LOCATED SQUARELY ON YOUR CROTCH. CG: ASSUMING THAT'S A SUITABLY TERRIBLE PART OF HUMAN ANATOMY FOR A VILLAGE IN JEOPARDY TO EXIST.

karkat receives a message from john out of nowhere. understandably, he is confused to receive such a caring check-in, given how their last conversation went.

CG: SHUT UP. HOW DARE YOU CONTACT ME WHILE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKWARDS MARCH OF HATE THROUGH YOUR TEDIOUS TIMELINE. EB: oh god, this is not right! EB: you aren't supposed to hate me anymore, you're supposed to be kinda my friend, sorta! EB: when is this? CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN IS THIS CG: OK, LET ME JUST CHECK THE UNIVERSAL CLOCK WHICH KEEPS CONSISTENT TIME FOR ALL FRAMES OF REFERENCE AND ALL PLANES OF REALITY. CG: IT'S HALF PAST YOU'RE A MORON. EB: ok, duh! i know that. EB: i mean, how many times have you talked to me before? CG: WE JUST GOT DONE WITH OUR SECOND CONVERSATION. HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THIS? EB: AUGH! EB: this isn't good, i need to talk to future you! CG: WHY EB: because it sounds like you're in trouble. EB: i think maybe you are running from jack? CG: OF COURSE WE'RE RUNNING FROM JACK, I JUST GOT DONE FUCKING TELLING YOU THAT.

everyone here is equally frustrated with the inconsistent timelines! karkat took a quick break to yell at jade that was interrupted by her blocking him and followed up by karkat getting these messages from a john looking for a future version of karkat. from karkats pov, these strike me as a bit ominous! obviously theyve already hidden from jack, but john makes it sound like he catches up and finds them. if i were karkat id be getting pretty worried abt what the future holds--not that theres much help in trying to avoid it!

EB: ultimate riddle shit? CG: I CAN TELL THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO BE A UTTER FUCKING JOY TO PARTICIPATE IN. CG: I HONESTLY ENVY ANYONE IN THE POSITION OF NOT HAVING TO PUT UP WITH READING IT. CG: BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT, JOHN, SO HERE WE GO. CG: ARE YOU READY EB: no, i just want to talk to future you. :( CG: NO YOU DON'T CG: TAKE IT FROM ME CG: THE GUY IS A BASTARD.

karkat starts attempting to make a point...but then makes the idiots boner of jumping back to troll a john...lets see...over 1500 pages in the past!

CG: SEE THIS IS A CASE IN POINT. EB: what point? CG: THE POINT I WAS JUST MAKING. CG: ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE. CG: YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE. [...] EB: so what was the "case in point" you were making, anyway? CG: I WAS SCROLLING BACK AND NOTICED YOU WERE IN THE VEIL. EB: whoa, i am? CG: YEAH DUMBDUMB, YOU'RE TUMBLING AROUND ON A BIG GODDAMN METEOR.

seriously though karkat, what were you trying to achieve with that jump? im starting to think you might just be a bit of a dumbass on top of the shenanigans. maybe take another nap? you could really use the sleep!

EB: hey, i have an idea. EB: why don't you get back to me in a few minutes? EB: i mean like a few minutes of my time, not yours. EB: all of these little pink monkeys are getting way out of line and i have to tend to them. EB: if you message me in a couple minutes, we can continue conversing in a sane, linear fashion for a change! CG: UM, OK?

such a reasonable and logical idea!!! how about you try it?

CG: OK IT'S A FEW MINUTES LATER. CG: LOOK HOW SANE AND LINEAR WE ARE BEING. EB: yeah! CG: OK AWESOME, NOW FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE.

karkat...you strange little boy... how you enchant me.

CG: JOHN EGBERT, YOU HAVE ASSASSINATED MY PATIENCE. CG: ADIOS LOSER. EB: wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EB: get back to me in a couple minutes, ok? CG: SD;LKFJSD;LKFJSDLFKJ; CG: FINE.

SO ASTOUNDED BY THE MERE SUGGESTION OF MAINTAINING LINEARITY!

cmon, karkat, i believe in you! you can do it! keep this up!

you are doing so well bestie.

EB: what happens in our game that's different from yours that makes things go so badly? CG: JACK NOIR. EB: who is jack noir? CG: AN AGENT OF DERSE. CG: WHO FLIPPED OUT AND ROSE TO POWER. CG: HE KILLED YOUR BLACK QUEEN AND KING AND NOW HE'S IN CHARGE. EB: so you didn't have him in your game? CG: NO, WE DID. CG: BUT HE WAS HARMLESS. CG: ACTUALLY, HE WAS AN ALLY, SORT OF.

he stabbed you, karkat. multiple times. but sure, "harmless" is fine.

CG: THE WORST IS YET TO COME. CG: FOR YOU. EB: oh no! EB: what is the worst thing? CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU. EB: dammit!

(psst. john. your sisters god dog is gonna give him some nasty powerups.)

and back we go again. nevermind about being in a reasonable order i guess!

CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE. CG: TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER HOW YOU BOTCH THIS UP SO BADLY. CG: AND I KEEP FINDING THESE STRIKING POCKETS OF FOOLISHNESS. CG: LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW. CG: RIDING YOUR LITTLE RED ROCKET.

for a lot of this, his trolling order isnt even "oh i fucked up and embarrassed myself time to jump back again and start fresh!" its literally just him being a sleep-deprived dumbass jumping to random points he comes across and thinking every single time that for some reason it wont be a fucking nightmare to attempt a conversation with john!

TIMELOOP PARADOX PRANK!!!!

EB: well, we're friends by then, aren't we? EB: or sort of like, uh, reverse anti-mutual friends. CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. EB: look, you're going to have to face it at some point... EB: that you're learning the meaning of this human emotion called friendship. CG: IS FRIENDSHIP REALLY AN EMOTION? EB: yes, absolutely.

friendship isnt an emotion, fucknuts!

CG: SO GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING. EB: ok... EB: what's the point of the game. CG: ASK SOMETHING ELSE. CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT. CG: IT WAS THIS WHOLE BIG CONVERSATION WE HAD. EB: augh!

"ask me anything" (asks question) "no not that" teenage boys. am i right.

EB: where are you now? CG: IN THE MEDIUM. CG: A SEPARATE SESSION FROM YOURS. EB: no no, i know that! EB: you already told me. CG: I DID? EB: yes, in your future. CG: DAMMIT.

see karkat? how does it feel?

EB: derse? CG: THE DARK PLANET. CG: PROSPIT'S THE LIGHT ONE NEAR SKAIA. EB: well jeez, how am i supposed to know any of this?? CG: YOU'D PROBABLY FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER FROM YOUR DUMB GRANDMA. CG: BUT BY FUSING WITH THE SPRITE SHE HAS TO WITHHOLD STUFF AND BE MYSTERIOUS AND ALL. CG: TO MAKE YOUR ADVENTURE SEEM MORE "MAAAAAAGICAL!!!!" CG: IT'S INFURIATING

we dont get to see a lot of the trolls' session (compared to the kids', hardly any) and only catch a few glimpses of ... crabdadsprite? karkat sure makes it sound like hes speaking from experience. what sort of secrets did he have to pry from his crabdad? i would love to see his frustration there lmao.

i will give him this, though: hes actually been pretty helpful in this conversation! he gave john a ton of new information and all.

CG: I'M OUT OF HERE. EB: ok, but wait... EB: can you give a message to GC for me? EB: tell her nice try. CG: WHAT CG: WHY WOULD I GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR YOU CG: DO IT YOURSELF, I'M NOT A RELAY SERVICE. EB: oh, well i thought you'd be cool with it since you asked me to give her a message for you last time. EB: but whatever.

"last time" being in karkat's future, i suppose.

CG: I FIND THAT HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE. CG: I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS. CG: "NICE TRY" JOHN CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

and on to the next conversation, where important discussions on con air are taking place:

EB: no, it's about these criminals on a runaway plane, and they've got to be stopped by nick cage and john cusack together as a team. CG: OH. CG: OK, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD I GUESS. EB: it is sweet, so sweet, you would probably like it. CG: I'VE HEARD OF JOHN CUSACK I THINK. CG: WASN'T HE IN SERENDIPITY? CG: THAT WAS PRETTY GREAT FOR A HUMAN FLICK.

isnt it lovely, this disease called friendship?

EB: hahaha, oh man, that sucked so bad! CG: OK I DON'T SEE HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I'M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER'S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION.

... and thus the blossoming friendship collapses like a house of cards.

EB: well, i've got one of your godly players helping me now, so we can't be in such bad shape. CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. EB: GC gave me a map. EB: and showed me a shortcut. CG: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING. CG: THIS ISN'T WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT DOING AT ALL. CG: HOLD ON LET ME ASK HER ABOUT THIS... EB: ok.

now what could this human egbert be up to?

CG: OK... CG: NOW SHES JUST OVER THERE GIGGLING AT ME LIKE AN IMBECILE. CG: WHAT ARE YOU TWO UP TO, WHY ARE YOU IN CAHOOTS NOW? EB: umm... CG: OW FUCK!!! CG: OK SHE JUST WALKED OVER AND PUNCHED ME. CG: AND SAID IT WAS FROM YOU. EB: uh, sorry i guess?

not totally relevant but pitch johnkatrezi is really funny. can you imagine.

EB: i don't know why you guys are doing this to yourselves. EB: all this time jackassery, it's giving me a headache.

now that is exactly what i have been saying!

CG: OK IF YOU TALK TO HER AGAIN WHEN SHE TRIES HATCHING MORE PLANS GIVE HER A MESSAGE INTO THE PAST FOR ME. EB: ok.

now karkat...didnt you JUST say you would NEVER resort to relaying a message through john? i think you might need a good nights sleep! that month of no sleep really explains just about everything he does throughout this backwards convoluted trolling quest.

CG: TELL HER TO POLISH MY HEAVING BONE BULGE AND SET A TABLE FOR FUCKING TWO ON IT. CG: ITS FOR OUR CANDLE LIGHT HATE DATE.

the idea of a candlelight hate date is so fucking funny. i think one of those candles just might get used as a weapon.

EB: oh, did you talk to jade yet? CG: JADE, WHAT WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO HER? EB: ummm, that's what you said you wanted to do last time you talked to me, i dunno. CG: OH DAMMIT. CG: ARE YOU SURE?

oh shit, is the timeline extension busted? i think we already saw that conversation, is it not supposed to happen yet? if i figure out the proper chronology, ill come back and edit this or something! whatever.

EB: but next time you talk to me, you might want to tell me to calm down first so i don't just block you.

lets see how that goes...

CG: HEY JOHN. CG: CALM THE HELL DOWN. EB: aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!! EB: how did you find me????? CG: FIND YOU? CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN. EB: i changed my chum handle to ditch you guys.

so i guess this is one of the first conversations (or THE first?) they have from johns point of view, since john changed his chumhandle when terezi was trolling him a while before the events of the story!

EB: ok, this time i'll believe you that you aren't human. EB: because the skepticism center of my brain is starting to wear kind of thin i guess. EB: but you're still a major asshole and i don't actually want to talk to you, so bye. CG: WAIT. CG: BUT I'M NOT HERE TO TROLL YOU THIS TIME. CG: WE'RE FRIENDS OK? EB: hahahahahaha! EB: oh man, look at this outburst of little human words i'm saying! EB: from my human mouth!

yknow its pretty funny how the dynamic has turned on its head. now karkat is insisting they are friends while john responds more angrily!

CG: IT'S REALLY WEIRD. CG: THIS HUMAN EMOTION YOU CALL FRIENDSHIP. EB: friendship isn't an emotion fucknuts.

karkat- lets be friends and beat this game together john- ermmmmm no!

EB: i'm still not really sold on this friendship thing yet. EB: but i've got to go now and get on with my petty little quests. EB: so talk to you in the future i guess. EB: jerkface.

shouldnt have sent him all that hatemail karkat! look where it got you now!

[wanderrlust0]

i havent journaled in a while so i guess ill do one now while i wait for this melly to kick in so i can sleep.

i actually meant to do this last night but i got too tired to continue after typing 2 words lol. i went to work today and then hung out with my bf afterwards for like 6.5hrs. it was a good time with him today. we really just smoked a little joint in his backyard while his dogs ran around. then he made grilled pork and we had his sisters pasta and meatballs with it. we watched the new ep of frieren while eating some krispy kreme glazed donut that his sister brought and then we just hung out for the rest of the night. funny enough, i actually meant to write some things about him last night but after hanging out today, my initial thoughts have changed. basically, ive noticed that hes been in this weird funk for a few wks and i couldnt really figure out what it was and if it was just me overanalyzing or whatever. after i hung out with snow which was feb2, there was an incident where i accidentally forgot to reply for 2hrs, even tho i read his msg so that affected our relationship in a way to the point where like he apparently started to care less and wasnt fully into it all. the way he explained it to me, he felt like he was holding back his feelings or like they just werent connecting and whenever we hung out, it felt like a regular hangout (almost like how a friend hangout would feel). it was only up until recently where he started to acknowledge it more bc of this recurring situation we were having with sex. like for a little bit honestly, i would notice that he wasnt fully into it like he used to be/normally is. i didnt say anything at first but after a while i think we were on the topic and i told him what ive been noticing. then all of a sudden it got worse bc it was actually affecting our relationship. it made us (but mostly him) question our connection, his state of mind, our chemistry, all that. like we didnt know what the problem was since this like never happens so its weird.. and he did bring back up how when i hung out with snow last time, at the time he told me that something in him switched and he couldnt explain it or fully understand it but whatever it was, i guess it was progressively becoming more prevalent without him realizing. like he was pretty much self sabotaging himself and so he recently actually had to like “self reflect” foreal bc i swear, he was being less like himself and less emotional and genuinely happy and not as affectionate. it wasnt completely obvious but i def did sense that something felt different. i felt like he would act jealous and suspicious of me at times and itd be his own trust issues coming out, as well as some insecurity. like, at times those parts of him were tiring bc its like the same things over & over. it made me feel like he was trying to find literally anything to use to try to pick at with me. like to find fault in me or accuse me/suspect me of something that i clearly am not doing. like i already know hes got some deep rooted trust issues and self esteem issues but damn it felt like i was always the one messing up and upsetting him and making it like hes just being sensitive and dramatic..like!! no!! its just sometimes so difficult to try to tell someone who is actually overthinking and overdoing it without sounding like youre gaslighting or brushing it off as nothing. i really was trying to understand him and his pov. its seriously all bc of my friendship with snow which is crazy…like how has our friendship become this prominent in both our lives and is causing this much conflict between us, even tho i told him a million times that it shouldnt. i tell him the truth about it, im not lying, not cheating, not anything but its affected him soo much. btw we are trying to plan a day to hang out again soo we shall see how he reacts to it & ill also not make the same mistake. ill deal with that later but at least today, he felt like really great and happy which is good and it made me realize how i did miss this from him. im glad were okay tho:)

[goodfully]

ive yet to finish reading steppenwolf, and i originally meant to write my thoughts on it only after i finished, but bc hermine has been teaching harry how to dance and all... so dancing has been on my mind a lot. ahhh

i dont dance, but i genuinely wish i was born a dancer and i do really wish to learn to dance. honestly i find it difficult to make my body move the way i want it to, and i hate that even just the thought of moving my own physical being sometimes feels strange. like, is this not my own body? but anyway.. dancing! ahh i admire dancers very much, envious probably! of how naturally and comfortably they can move their body. i do believe its very beautiful and i quite love watching ppl dance, but it has always felt very separate from me. but enough of that!

actually!!!! some friends took me to join them contra dancing one evening last year (its funny, it was almost entirely just elderly ppl and young queer ppl hahaha) and i remember it was the most fun and alive i had felt in a while. very clear memories of this one elderly man wanting to teach me to dance better and he quite literally spun me in circles very fast without warning and then suddenly tipped me backwards that i screamed while my friends were watching, but it was fun!!!! hahaha

also i really felt like i fell in love with each stranger i partnered to danced with. i sometimes think of the really tall and lovely girl with short hair who came up to me asking to dance with her and ahh!!! it was a very cute interaction and she was so kind to me (basically the dance is partnered and has two different positions, and i had only learned one of the positions so she offered being the other position for me even tho she herself said she preferred the same position), i had so much fun while we danced! after our song was over, i suddenly jumped up to hug her out of excitement and to thank her, and she lifted me off the ground!!!! ahh!!!!! i love strong tall ppl hugs hahaha she also asked if i was to come again the next week (i said id love to, but actually my friends were busy and i never got to go again</3)

anyway reading that part of harry dancing made me remember this and hopefully ill find the chance to do something similar again!!! ahh i miss it. we were there for hours and we were all tired and sweaty when it was over, but i felt so.. light? i was confused why none of my friends shared the same feeling. one of them told me they thought i looked brighter than usual, which is.. interesting i suppose hahaha

honestly i think the reason i enjoyed it was probably bc not much dancing skills were actually required of me. for contra dancing being a coupled dance, its traditionally the man leading the dance for the lady. obviously anyone can dance either part, but i basically only danced the position where i mostly relied on my partner to lead and guide my movements. ahhh i long for a dance partner again!!!! id be a terrible dance partner hahaha but id try!!!!

anyway this actually had nothing to do with steppenwolf, but i wonder if harry felt the same dancing the fox trot hahaha. like him, i was rather opposed to it at first thinking it just wasnt for me, and only joined bc i cant say no to my friends.. but!!! i had so much fun agrhrhjf its been too long that i cant fully recall how i felt but.. im sure i felt some sort of relief and love for everything in the moment.

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

and honestly like.... whatever, at this point.

im sick and tired of worrying more abt them than myself

and im tired of them gaslighting and manipulating me

and im tired of them pushing all the blame onto me and making me feel like im insane for feeling this way

i WASNT a saint in our relationship!

but i very strongly maintain the fact that i only ever did things that they told me they were okay with

like. i ALWAYS stopped when they told me to

(even if i was confused bc they told me prior that they wanted me to keep doing that specific behvaior, only to backtrack n say they hated it when i did that)

like... jesus christ they rlly did just treat me in a way they never treated anyone else

nobody else that they got into a relationship with had a "trial by fire" entry

i struggled HARD in our relationship, the ENTIRE way through

like yeah part of that is my aromanticism, but a far larger part is them literally traumatizing me

i genuinely never wouldve had this reaction either if like. i hadnt

a) figured out that there was a strong timeline incongnruency (we started dating in 2014. im not crazy. im NOT crazy. their excuse of "well we were qpps beforehand" doesnt fucking matter we called each other qpps WELL into 2015 and beyond - i would know, i checked our old blogs out. also thats arophobic lol qpps are committed relationships just like romantic partners are)

b) been told that one of their current alters had left-over traits from hyde. like. i was fully convinced before this point that hyde was a spiritual alter, not an actual part of them. i was abused by hyde. he was the one alter they had that i pointed to and said that i was abused by him. they said they were abused by him too. i was intimate with that alter before i ever knew this info. im still rlly upset abt this. like. at some point, at least one of your alters KNEW. i have no clue how quickly i was told. but i just. i cant wrap my head around this lol. like wow. youre always the one preaching abt system responsibility but you have never apologized or tried to repair what hyde broke. hyde was literally a part of you. his traits are part of you. part of you hurt me so bad that i honest to god have PTSD now.

NOT TO MENTION. ari was abusive to me too tbh not even gonna like. minimize that

were they abusive in the same way as hyde? no. but they also abused me

i was never the one in control in that relationship, there was never a sense of me being the one holding more of the power

we literally joked that ari was the one who wore the pants. i was always the one changing my behavior to match their needs - it was never the other way around. they encouraged me to act yandere. they encouraged me to have no boundaries between us. literally they are the whole reason i had a scare abt possibly feeling incestuous feelings irl towards my older family members in the first place

i was literally probably at the tail end of 12 when we met, and DEFINITELY at MAX i was 13.

hyde was my introduction to bdsm, tossing me into CG/L, with me as the little. he emphasized my youth and innocence and his desire to corrupt me into a more mature sexy femme fatale type. I WAS LITERALLY THIRTEEN.

ari wanted me to be their actual mom. I WAS YOUNGER THAN THEM BY A YEAR AND A HALF? I WAS A CHILD/PRETEEN WHEN WE FIRST MET? I NEVER SHOULDVE BEEN PUSHED INTO THAT ROLE

like. being a mommy NEVER came naturally to me

not to mention me feeling like i wasnt allowed to regress or feel young around them - i never felt safe enough to

also bc ari would pitch a fit abt my child alters being out around them bc they said they were scared of children

which - fun fact - they never had that issue with our other friends

like... god. im just angry. its that feeling of like. "why can they treat other people like that but im always relegated to second best and back up?"

just. FUCK. wow

just. aughhhh

i want to know why everyone else got to see the bulk of their good side while i only ever got crumbs tossed my way

also like... ugh. idk

i dont owe them an explanation. i dont want them in my life anymore.

i already uninstalled discord off of my pc and phone

i feel a lot better bc of that

everythings on a new notes app im using now!

i just need to organize it lol

[promisebymin]

. .

[berylliumliumite]

to be clear the newest tma episode was good I just. don’t want to think about it because it ended up triggering me and I spent all day in hell because of it. things that are good and spread good messages can still trigger ppl . ur allowed to step away and not interact with it when it does, even if you do like what it ended up saying

[early20sfailingplenty]

BIG EMOTIONAL HEAVY VENT

TW; implications of r*pe, unhappy home life, wishful thinking ie the sinclairs, bad parenting, emotional neglect i think???? 

part of why i cling to the sinclairs sm is bc i dont ever really feel LOVED in my life. mum always makes comments which make me feel bad (most recently, “you make really funny noises when you’re uncomfortable *mocks me for two minutes by making the same noises* it’s really cute” after she said, “the only reason it takes me ten minutes to do your hair but it takes you half an hour is because i dont stop when you say it hurts” or “your hair is really dry” and then tells me what to do about it and then gets pissy when i say i don’t want to and makes it out like i’m being lazy) and her partner straight up doesn’t care about me. i tried to show him something today i was proud of (my study desk layout) and he said, “this is a desk?” and just left and my brother (previously my nb sibling) doesn’t really care either and he suffers like i do and i just dont ever feel loved or needed or wanted in my home life. 

since i was 15 when i found out that i wasnt made under nice circumstances (you know what i mean) i’ve tried so so hard to be my best self every day so i can make up for how i was made but ive never felt like mum’s proud or like she loves me and today my brother, who’s at his dad’s, phoned up and mum wasn’t even really listening to him and kept eyerolling at me and it’s made me re-realise that she never should have had us and i feel sick and sad and like there’s no point to anything i do because she’s never gonna be proud or anything

and now i’m crying and i just think i cling to the sinclairs bc i truly wanna believe they’d love me for ME. i’d be in a terrible and tragic situation if i lived in ambrose, i know, but if i was very lucky maybe they’d love me or keep me around bc i can cook and clean and i’d be useful and idk i’m just upset and im stressed and i’m scared and i’m crying and i want

bo to say, “oh, darlin’, c’mere” and pull me into him so tightly that all i can do is rest my head in the crook of his neck and he kisses the top of my head and we just stand there like that

vincent to cup the back of my head and bend down to press our foreheads tightly together and make his “mmf” noise bc he can’t get close enough and neither can i

and for lester to cuddle with me and jonesy while we watch one of my favourite films and if i cry, he just sighs gently and tucks me into his side and cracks a joke to make me laugh

i’m just really upset and no one in my house really sees me, i can’t help feeling, and i have to wonder how much i contribute to this situation and if i make it worse than it is or if it IS actually like this bc im always questioning my thoughts and my actions and it is so tiring bc i’m never enough for myself or even for my parents no matter how hard i try. i told mum i only got 4 hours the night before last bc i was up late studying and she said, “you’re an adult, it’s your choice” and YEAH but like ???? that was a good opportunity to say something like being proud??? 

whether i do or don’t study, she’s never proud or if she is, she never says so i wonder why the fuck i bother but at the same time i bother bc i need to make a good future for myself or i’ll be stuck here in their house forever and nothing scares me more than the thought of becoming my mum. i used to admire her so much and i used to want to be her but nowadays whenever she’s like “you’re so much like me” or her partner tells me i’m like mum, i cringe and feel white hot jolts of fear and i can only think ‘please no’.

idk just since i was 15 ive been more and more aware of how much my mum shouldn’t have been a mum and it makes me feel like i ruined her life so i keep trying to be my best self to compensate but she never seems to notice

and i cant stop crying holy fuck okay that’s enough i just gotta post this, get it outta my hair, then i gotta finish up this stuff i’m working on and if i’m lucky i can go to bed early-ish (before midnight) - gotta be up at 530am for work tomorrow😩

[quidfree]

I agree with everything you said about the finale of Stranger Things 4. The ending is rushed and kinda lacks of emotional impact (really annoying bc it could have been so much better, like El and Hopper reuniting).

I kinda think the Duffers want to keep everything vague as much as possible for, like they said, "the big reveal in ss5", "everything comes full circle",... there's been discussions and analysises where ss5 will go down but it's just based on small hints and subtexts. It's like the main role of ss4 is a set-up for ss5, like an 'open-ending' where every scenario is possible, which is hella confusing tbh.

I have to admit that I was rooting for Will and Mike in vol1, but Vol2 makes me realise that Michael Wheeler is really in need of character development (pls give my boy Will the protangonist era back)

Sorry for my rambling, but i do want to know your take on the character dynamics and what are your most favorite scenes?

ah anon sorry for not answering for like a week, i conflated this w my other stranger things ask and deluded myself into thinking i had

i agree w your finale thoughts- i don’t follow the media circus around the show much but i do get the impression s4 is meant to be set-up for s5, which is very annoying to me because if you’re a good writer set-up should not negate storytelling… there are many shows which use a season to set something up but still tell a compelling standalone story in that season!

re mike and will, i’m fairly neutral abt it, the same way i feel abt all the canon ships in stranger things- the kid ships are all sweet enough, although this season mike and el have been kind of tiring for me (in part because mike did p much nothing this season except be el’s kind of dumbass boyfriend). in any event i think will and mike both could do w a return to early season protag focus and that will deserves an actual coming out and general arc in s5. also you can do better, will!

response to your qs on dynamics and scenes beneath the cut :)

looove steve and his kids obviously- steve and dustin are a no-brainer, but i do wish the others got a couple of real moments with him too (as may be obvious bc i literally wrote that).

steve and robin are very fun. the whole older teen group was great this season, since their personalities were a nice mix- i have to say eddie and steve were really enjoyable together. their dual older brother energy to dustin was very cute. as was eddie’s flirting. or whatever that was meant to be.

on siblings- wish we got some mike and nancy interaction ever. glad lucas and erica got brief moments this season. jonathan and will bonding was very good if brief and a missed opportunity to talk abt the rainbow elephant in the room.

families except the bylers continue to be hilariously absent in the show. when can CPS be called on these people. mikes mom hugging him dramatically will not make me forget how bad of a parent they all are lol.

always enjoy the friendships between the kids- liked will and el a lot this season even tho it was tragically understated, loved mike and will seeing lucas again in hospital, and max’s memories of the group in dear billy. mike and will’s conversations were also admittedly good, despite the unrequited love of it all- they had a relationship core to the show once, so it still holds some weight. i do like lucas and max a lot but i wish lucas wasnt spent so much on Being There For Max hes forever sidelined for no good reason.

underwhelmed by the russia storyline in general- hopper grated on me in s3 and im always team joyce so kind of tired w her having to put up w him and murrays “oh you” vibes but i do enjoy their battle-readiness as a couple. didnt care much abt yuri or the other russian guy (dmitri?) bc it all felt so overdone.

fav scenes: obviously max escaping vecna to kate bush (deserving of her renaissance). the others are going to be random excerpts bc my mind is blanking. eddie telling steve “harrington will drive wontcha big boy” + steve telling nancy he has 6 kids already. the part in the finale where everyone jumps through to the upside down and then throws their weapons through too bc the montage was fun. el throwing the helicopter and then telling papa to choke. will singing neverending story. the ep 7 monologue where 1 reveals the whole plot to nancy (jamie campbell bower fun). the finale segment where everyone is kicking ass and nancy has a shotgun. the way will is like “what friends??” and el goes “stfu” in ep whatever it is. el and max’s reunion. etc.

[leafcabbage]

hi hello very cool tumblr user leafcabbage. i sent an ask a few days ago abt starting your fic i dont remember if i was on anon but if i was then thats me!

anyways bc i'm clinically insane i finished binge reading ycssgwtlfs this afternoon and haven't been able to stop thinking about it actually!! sometimes the it gets worse before it gets better trope isn't my cuppa but you definitely made it work so well if not for the SHEER amount of hurt no comfort liiiiikeeeee omg omg omg omg that series of chapters where ranboo was just slowly losing their grip was just so exhausting to read (shals pos so slash pos!! i mean that like it very deeply emotionally affected me!!) and i am so here for it because it made the comfort at the end so so worth it. very excited to continue w the next parts :D

i also loved the little moments scattered throughout. i want to see so much more of techno and wilbur's relationship because that is really fascinating to me. i could read a whole other fic about that actually they have a great dynamic also bc we saw both their biggest flaws come to the forefront when trying to help ranboo. its just interesting. and!!!!! woah?! whats up with big q and techno?!! intrigue moment!!!!

and even though dream was a piece of shit (btw you wrote the gaslighting SO WELL that is exactly what it feels like. i was genuinely nervous everytime i read his name because we don't know whether ranboo was gonna get manipulated until he started talking. i thought it was a great detail that dream's mood was always the first thing we learned in every scene's narration because ranboo had to walk on eggshells with him. GOOD SHIT!!!! GOOD SHIT!!!!!!!!!) i rlly hope he gets out of that clearly toxic family eventually. how dare you make me empathize with him >:[

and purpled my beloved...... idk i just liked his and ranboo's dynamic. it was cute and i really liked seeing him and punz at the end. he is in the bathroom a lot. hope the guy is doin okay. i took that uquiz you made bfore i started reading the fic and i got him, so i am just attached ig oopsies. also tubbo and tommy's roomie was such a good moment it was genuinely really wholesome and is like my new favorite long build up joke ever :D

(also ahhh sorry if its annoying that i'm sending this in ask form instead of just commenting, especially since its kinda long!!!!!! but my eyes hurt from staring at the ol screen, tumblr interface is just a lot less headachy lol, thanks for writing such a wonderful fic and i hope youre having an awesome day!)

ahh this made me so happy!!! dont worry about sending it in ask form, i love seeing the little blue dot that means i have an ask, its very exciting. this did genuinely jumpscare me (in a funny way), which sound so dumb but i open the ask box and saw a long ask and went "woah!!" and genuinely actually jumped. thought you might enjoy learning that.

long answer so

i really really work hard on making the hurt worth it for the comfort, and having enough time to have that comfort and recovery. i think it helps that im writing a full series so if something wasnt dealt with in ycssg, i have quite a few more fics to deal with it and create closure. but im glad it was worth it! and it got tiring for me writing those chapters to be honest, it draws out just a little long and that was on purpose. it doesnt end at the perfect time, like in an ideal world ranboo would have accepted help at thanksgiving and that would be the beginning of things getting better, but thats not how life works. ranboo did not willingly seek out help, and thats an important part of the story. they accepted help because they were convinced they were literally dying and didnt know what else to do. and then they were somewhat reliant on tommy and tubbo, and if that hadn't been the case things wouldn't have ended up where they were.

sorry im now just talking about my own fic, that was all to say thank you ajshdlfk

thank you with the relationship comment too! i really wanted to make it clear that everyone has a life outside of the bench trio too, so in my head they have semi fleshed out stories and lives. especially dream. theyre all real people (or as real as fake people can be) not just props

dream was such a complex character to write, and he continues to be, and i love writing him so fucking much. he's ranboo's antagonist but he isnt evil and inherently awful, he has his own life and his own problems (which doesnt make what he did to ranboo ok at all, but thats just to say that hes a person out side of it) and im glad the emotions in his scenes came through so clearly!

purpled has ibs thats canon and its because i have ibs and i thought it would be funny. love the guy, really. hes one of my favorite side characters. i love him and im glad you like him too he deserves to be liked. IM GLAD YOU LIKED THE ROOMIE i have this ongoing joke with myself that he was fridged but in like a moving out kind of way. he was uhauled. hes my favorite NPC <3

im glad you enjoyed ycssg so much!! and i hope you enjoy the next fics too!!! this ask made me smile very much so thank you for that!!