#he got his dad who’s lowkey also his brother and his step dad who’s like 4 years older than him lmaoo

[yuripira4e]

I love the trope of “kid without a mother/father figure discovers magical world and gains 4 of them”

[mooooonnnzz]

I saw your earlier post on Platonic fics and Im a sucker for them so here u go : father figure stanford headcannons maybe takes place after he comes back from the portal, reader is an adventurous spirit that works at the shack and maybe secretly helped stan get his brother back? Idk im just throwing things here lol

You Know I Love You Still

Stanford x daughter!reader

💗 stanford dad hc!!

💗 i literally saw the request it and started writing and got a lil carried away 😭 its like half story half hc? if that makes sense

💗 requests r so open rn! i def dont have any fav requests… (anything platonic or familial will be the first ones i write i LOVE those types of requests)

💗 the age of the reader is young like 16/17? ik that lowkey contradicts with the time line but wtv STANFORD DAD HC!!

💗 it’s a little bit of everything? like it’s not only just reader and stanford, the twins r also included in some scenarios and also stan

💗 a big happy family 😭

💗 fem reader gulp i completely didnt realize until i was done that i used she/her when referring to the reader

💗 next fic will use gender neutral pronouns I SWUEAR!!

💗2k words

💗 i apologize for rhe misspell and mistakes i didnt catch in advance

Working together with your Uncle Stan to build the portal to bring your dad back to the right dimension was tiresome. Nights were sleepless and many of them were spent in the underground lab, where you and Stan did everything possible to assemble the portal. Trying to keep such a secret away from the twins and Soos was unexpectedly hard. The knowledge of hiding someone so vital to you and to your Uncle Stan was weighing down on you and him. Then came the day where his awaited arrival was promised. You could barely sleep that night. You thought of so many different possibilities and scenarios of how you would greet him. Would he remember you? Did he ever miss you? Does he even love you?!

The next day came in like a tornado and before you knew it, you were protectively standing in front of the button; trying your absolute hardest to prevent the twins from pressing the button.

“Why do you guys want to stop the portal so badly!” You yelled over the loud swirling wind that emitted from the portal. “Because it’s dangerous!” Dipper retorted, using his arm to shield him from the debris whizzing past him. “G-Grunkle Stan isn’t who he says he is!” Dipper said, stepping closer to you.

“Whatever you guys saw or heard isn’t what you think it is! Please, you need to believe me.” You begged, your eyes brimming with tears. You’ve worked so hard to get this portal up and running and you weren’t going to let Dipper or anyone stop you from being able to see your dad.

Soos came up from behind and wrapped his arms around you. “I’m sorry, dude.” He picked you up and took you away from the button. “Soos, no!” You thrashed around his hold. You pound your fists against his arms, hoping it’ll loosen his grip on you but nothing you did worked. No matter how much you begged and fought against him, he didn’t budge. He just held you closer to him, muttering ‘I’m Sorry’ under his breath.

“This all stops now!” Dipper raised his hand, palm flattened out, ready to push the button when Stan appeared at the doorway. “Don’t touch that button!”

He’s hunched forward, hand leaning on the frame of the doorway as he pants. Relief washes over you upon seeing Stan. Silence fills the room for a minute and all you can hear is your heart hammer against your ribcage. Stan walks towards Dipper, beckoning him to not press the button.

“If you just let me explain—“ He’s cut off by his watch repeatedly beeping. Suddenly the ground begins to shake.

The portal powers up and the circle enlarges. The electricity spazzes and travels throughout the room, creating streaks of electrical power. Your feet lift off the ground and soon everyone’s floating up in the air. The wind is fierce and it’s whipping through every direction, pushing you towards the wall.

Dipper yells at Mable to turn off the portal before it causes anymore damage. She tugs herself closer to the button using a stray cable and while she wraps herself around the neck holding up the button, Stan is begging her to listen to him and to not press the button. He’s soon tackled by Soos who pushes him away from Mable. They all fight with each other and you’re watching with a bated breath.

The portal pulses with power, sending you back first into the wall. Stan and Dipper bicker back and forth and Mable is torn with the decision of either believing her brother or her Grunkle. She lowers her hand, eyes closed and you're almost convinced she’s going to press the button when she lets go of the button. She floats up with her arms raised. “Grunkle Stan, I believe you.” She says.

“Mable, are you crazy?! We’re all gonna—!”

The world flashes white and you're immediately knocked out. You awaken to yourself plummeting face first down to the floor. You groan, pushing yourself up with one hand and the other wiping off the dust on your face. Looking around you can see your family scattered around the room, each of them slowly waking up from whatever happened and stumbling back to their feet.

Your head quickly whips towards the portal and your heart lurches into your throat upon seeing a figure step out of it. He stands still, staring straight ahead as he takes off his hood and goggles. And what hid behind them was your father.

After the initial shock of meeting the one behind the three books and the reveal of him being related to Stan was pushed aside, you presented yourself with the help of Stan. “H-Hi, Dad.” You awkwardly greet yourself.

His eyes stop on you and he freezes, eyes blown wide and mouth slightly ajar. He takes a minute to process the absurdity of the situation before he’s snapping back to consciousness. He blinks once, his mouth stuttering as he finds the right words to say. He then blinks again, stepping a cautious step towards you. Your name softly spills out of his mouth and your heart soars hearing your Dad finally utter your name again.

You take a step forward and then another and another until you’re face to face with him. Being closer to him allowed you to see how much he has aged since the last time you saw him. “Dad…” You whisper, throwing yourself into him.

A light wheeze escapes his mouth from the sudden impact of your body crashing on him. Once he recovers, his arms are quickly wrapped around you, hugging you with so much warmth and love you almost sobbed right then and there.

He snuggled his face against your hair, breathing in your familiar scent he missed so dearly while he was away. “We have so much to catch up on.” You say so quietly that he almost lost your words if it wasn’t for you being directly near his ear. He hums in affirmation, cherishing the long awaited reunion with his daughter.

“I feel like this is another part where one of us faints again.” Mable says in utter disbelief at the scene that unfolded in front of her. “Ohoh!” Soos laughed out. “I’m so on it, dudes.” As if on command his eyes roll to the back of his head and he faints flat on his back.

HEADCANON TIME!!

• You weren’t really expecting to talk to him much due to Stan wanting to talk to his brother, but after their fight, he came looking for you. When he found you, you were sitting on the couch that was outside on the porch. You were reading a book you recently purchased from the bookstore. Nose deep in your book, you failed to realize Ford standing beside you. His hands were shoved in the pockets of his trench coat. Quietly he asked, “Is there room for one more?”

• The night was spent with the two of you getting to know each other. From your favorite color to your favorite show, what food you like to eat and so on. Ford wanted to fully understand and know you as a person. He wanted to make up all the years he lost with you.

• The next day, you awoke to the smell of your favorite breakfast food being cooked. With haste you pushed your blanket off of you and slipped on your slippers and sped off into the kitchen where Ford was buttering the pan. He looked over to you and flashed you a smile. “I made you your favorite.” He said, motioning over to the table where he laid out your breakfast. “You didn’t have to do this.” You scratched your cheek, a small laugh of surprise leaving you. “I’m just doing what I always dreamed of doing.” He shoveled out his breakfast onto his plate using a spatula. “How’s the food, kiddo?” He asks, placing the pan and spatula on the dirty side of the sink. “Actually pretty good for someone who hasn't been in this dimension for over a decade!” You jest, taking another delicious bite from your breakfast. Ford jokingly rolled his eyes, ruffling your hair as he walked past you and sat down on his chair. “Already poking fun at me.” He said, shaking his head.

• Stanford knew he had to focus on his projects, he had so many things he left unfinished that he'd been dying to get his hands on the minute he stepped foot into his dimension. But he couldn’t seem to pull himself away from you. He loved seeing you interact with the twins, he loved watching how pieces of his personality shone through you. Like the way you’re so meticulous with where you put things, or how you were forever curious about the things around you, and even the abundance of questions you’d mutter to yourself as you discovered something new. That’s all of him right there, in front of him and he couldn’t grasp such a thought that you were his!

• He finds himself gazing upon baby photos Stan took of you when you were younger. Even if he’s angry at his twin currently, he’s forever grateful that he documented such beautiful memories in a scrapbook. “Y’know, I used to tell stories about you to her.” A shriek leaves Ford. He jumps forward, the scrapbook tumbling down his lap and onto the floor. “You idiot! Be careful.” Stan sneered, kneeling down to the floor to pick up the scrapbook. “Stanley!” Ford leans his head back, trying to regain his composure. “You scared me!” He says. “Yeah, yeah. I know.” Stan waves him off, grabbing the scrapbook and tucking it in between his arms. They stand in awkward silence, eyes darting around the place uneasily. “Did…” Ford starts, shattering the silence. “Did she like the stories you told of me?” Stan smiles fondly, nodding his head. “She loved them. She thought you were some stupid amazing superhero, no matter what I told her.” Ford furrowed his brows. “Wait, what do you mean by no matter what you told her?” Stan nervously laughed. “Hey, why don’t you keep looking at these photos! Wait here, look at this one. Haha! She’s trying to eat her toes, isn’t that adorable?” “Stanley.”

• Outings between the two of you were very common. He loved being tugged around the town of Gravity Falls by you as you pointed at various different shops and locations. You told him the reasons why you hated them or loved them, and some were tied to stories that happened within the summer. He seriously questioned how you and the twins survived so many times where you were just so close to death. The mall was a place where you and him resided the most. With the money he took from Stan, he paid for almost everything you wanted. Entering the shack with so many bags was a shock to everyone. “Woah! Did you buy the whole mall?” Mable jokes, grabbing one of the bags to help you with the load. “Basically,” you laughed, instructing Mable to rally Soos and Dipper to have a little haul of what you bought. Stan watched with a raised brow as you stumbled into the living room with Mable following closely behind. “Where did you get all the money to buy her all of that?” Stan asks. “Just stole some money from some hobo.” Ford said, walking into the living room to join in on the haul. Stan didn’t understand what he said and opened the cash register. When he saw all the money he had stored the day before gone, it all clicked.

• Adventures out in the woods is a must. Gathering the twins and your dad, all four of you venture out into the woods in hopes to find something new. “Why couldn’t Grunkle Stan tag along with us?” Mable asked as she kneeled down to pluck a flower from the dirt. “Because he’s being a wet towel.” Dipper muttered, scribbling down a rough drawing of the flower Mable was picking in a book you bought him. “So what kind of anomalies you three stumbled upon?” Ford questioned. You and the twins began to dump everything onto him, from when you started seeing them to when Dipper and Mable came. Ford couldn’t truly focus on what they were saying, mostly because it was a jumbled excited mess of words, but partially because he was astonished with the trio in front of him. They went through so much and yet they’re still so headstrong. He could definitely see a little bit of him in Dipper and Mable.

• Stan would find you and Ford fallen asleep on the couch or in his lab, all huddled up together and completely knocked out. Snores filled the room and he found it amusing that you and him both snores the same. Videos and photos were definitely taken by Mable.

• Ford would tell stories of his adventures in another dimension to you. Stemming from how he started from the ground up to him getting banned from many other dimensions for stealing parts. “You’re not so different from Uncle Stan,” You laughed, shaking your head. “What! It was only a few…hundred dimensions.”

• There’s times where you’d wake up in a cold sweat, afraid that your Dad finally coming back was just a painful dream your brain played on you. But when you would get ready to find him, you’d step on his stomach or back. “Ough!” Ford groaned out in pain. Being suddenly woken up from his sleep, he sat up, looking around confused. “What are you doing sleeping on the floor?” You sat back down on your bed, pulling the blankets over you. “Is there a problem with me sleeping on the floor?” Ford asks, looking at you with squinted eyes. “No, no.” You laid back down on your bed. “Go back to sleep. I’m better now,” You say, somewhat amused with Ford sleeping on the floor beside your bed. “Goodnight, I love you.” You brush your fingers playfully across his face to annoy him. He shoves your fingers away from his face, huffing out. “Goodnight,” He shuffles to his side, looking up to you with a small smile. “I love you more, kiddo.”

[winterlogysblog]

CHAPTER ✨145✨

First up. I love how unbothered the Fairies and Giants are by this.

They're like "Ohhh what's going on?" "Invaders huh? Well, it's their funeral" lol 😆 Like they know it's gonna be alright.

Then we have Killbeggan over here just spewing probably just to rile up Mertyl even more. Which yeah ended up happening.

But like dude, this must hurt him a lot you know, cause Mertyl's in there, we know this based from last chapter when King heard Mertyl's thoughts. My boy completely lost control over his body and he can't do anything but watch himself hurt his family 😭

Just to point it out, this is a really nice moment between King and Sixtus. Like Sixtus is obviously still upset but despite that Sixtus still has trust, care and respect for his dad that he would do what King asked him to do. Sixtus knows that his dad knows what he's doing, he knows that there are reasons for everything that is happening. Sixtus may not understand it fully but he trusts his dad and it's all that matters.

We got to finally see what the other kids can do too. Obviously they're holding back cause it's their brother they're facing. Then we have Belte being Belte. Like honestly, I love how calm and chill he is, he even wagged his finger like honestly dude he's so cute.

Then we have Nasiens and Diane stepping into action. Awesome, everybody gets to have a moment.

I lowkey like it when these Chaos Knights thinks they have a chance on even landing a hit on the Sins. Like buddy calm down, you already dug your own grave the moment you screwed up Mertyl.

Also, I find it funny how tiny the speech bubble is when he said "Die Fairy King" like yeah sure that'll kill him 😂 even the manga itself doesn't believe you lol 😆

Also, King could be referring to Merlin here. Interesting that he still views her as a friend. Regardless of that...

You know King is just toying with you when he gets this cocky. Killbeggan is dead King is just playing with him at this point lol.

Then, our boy Sixtus shows up to absolutely wreak these mofos. Honestly, I called it right from the very beginning. Sixtus gives Lancelot vibes and I'm living for it. I can't wait for them to meet up cause they're besties for sure.

I'm also very curious on what and who these hooded people are cause I counted there are like 10 of them and there must be a plan right? Like they must have some way to get the Drug of Yore on their own cause it's a little too wild for them to show up like that only to get beat. Unless, that's their actual purpose lol.

Also, I love how Sixtus gets to have his solo moment here like Nakaba really is establishing Sixtus as a character that will be relevant in the future. I'm smelling Lancelot Platoon 😆

[stell404]

𝗙𝗔𝗠𝗜𝗟𝗬 𝗝𝗘𝗪𝗘𝗟𝗦

𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗟𝗢𝗚𝗨𝗘

🎧

Family jewels masterlist | back to navigation Parings: Sully family x reader, jake sully x daughter!reader Word count: 803 Notes: I hope you guys like this!! I hope this isn't too little for a prologue also sorry if it's bad, english is not my first language 😭😭 Btw the big spaces between some paragraphs indicate a scene change/time skip!! Also, this fic is inspired by @neteyamsilly's fic 'i will soften every edge, hold the world to its best' it's an amazing story so if you haven't read it yet (i'm sure everyone has seen that...if you haven't then what are you doing with your life), not the whole thing, just some parts!! Anyway I hope you all like this (lowkey scared to post this) 🫶🏼🫶🏼

🎧

For the sky-people—and I guess for some Na'vi too—having a daughter is considered 'sad'. It is as if bringing life to a female is something to mourn rather than it being something to celebrate. Why? Perhaps they think that women are useless, just an object of reproduction, a maid, someone who is 'not fit' to lead. What a poor excuse.

This caused troubles to the life of young girls, obviously. Hence, the old sky-people theory.

There is an old theory that first-born daughters were genetically predispositioned to look, act, and think more like their father, this theory was made so that the fathers would love their daughter instead of neglecting them simply because they are female.

Jake's first-born daughter, [Name], is a perfect replica of him. You'd assume Lo'ak was his carbon copy and yeah, indeed he is, not only do they look identical but even his and Lo'ak's life were parallel to each other.

But [Name]'s thoughts, speech, gait, and other traits are very similar to those of Jake when he was a mere teenager like her. The traits that led Jake into trouble as a child—his stubbornness, lust for adventure, pride, and bravery—were also the ones that caused him to become paralyzed from the waist down.

He feared his daughter would go down the same path he did, he could not bear to watch it. He was completely overcome by terror, slowly turning to anger the second the sky-people decided to step foot in Pandora once again.

They no longer had the wonderful father-daughter connection they had when [Name] was a young child; instead, they had become like bulls that constantly butted heads whenever they had the opportunity.

[Name] didn't get why this was happening. It had been like this since they had to move to High camp; perhaps it's because of the stress, there had been this tension amongst her family, like a thick atmosphere keeping them all away from each other.

Considering what [Name] and her siblings are doing, she and her father would definitely get into yet another dispute.

It was way past the eclipse but [Name] and her siblings are still out in the forest. Crackling sounds emitted from the small bonfire they all surrounded. The leaves from trees around them rustled at the wind's subtle blow

Normally, at this time they would be home eating dinner. But tonight it's different, Neteyam agreed to his siblings dumb plan to sneak out, who would've thought?

"You know dad will skin us when we come back," Neteyam said playfully to his siblings.

"No he won't, loser!" Tuk exclaimed, causing gasps and laughter to burst from the siblings.

"Tuk who taught you that!?" Kiri laughed in shock.

"[Name] did," she said, pointing at [Name]. Her big sister simply mouthed a small "fuck you" to her causing her to giggle at her sisters childish manners.

Their night continued on with chatters and laughter. As things started to calm down, and the topic of their conversation got less and less childish, [Name] decided to share her plan to her siblings.

"You know, I've been thinking, I'll tell dad I'm gonna do my Iknimaya soon," [Name] said in a whisper, a small smile of desire decorated her face.

Lo'ak snorted, "He'll say no."

"Lo'ak," Neteyam warned his brother.

"Well I'm not asking him, I'm telling him." [Name] shot back, rolling her eyes.

"He still won't allow you." Lo'ak said in a sing-song voice, as if to tease her. This earned him a playful smack in the head by his sister. Laughter can be heard from afar as Lo'ak and [Name] continued their playful squabbling.

It was almost morning when they all decided to return back to High camp. They quietly snuck in their tent, hoping their parents are still sleeping.

As they were getting closer their mother—Neytiri—opened the tent flaps hastily, the siblings stood in shock as their mother ran to hug them.

"Where were you guys? You got me and your father so worried, are you guys okay? Are any of you hurt?" she asked, stumbling over her words.

"We are fine, Mother." Neteyam spoke, placing a hand on Neytiri's shoulder.

Jake walked up from behind them, clearing his throat to get the attention. The siblings tensed up as they saw him.

"Kiri, Tuk, get some sleep." he said, hugging his daughters. [Name] was jealous, she was his daughter too, why doesn't she get that treatment? Neytiri took her two daughters back to the tent, leaving Jake with her three other kids

Jake stared at his three kids with an angry and disappointed look on his face.  [Name] and her brothers stood straight with their hands behind their backs.

"Sir—" Neteyam started but was quickly cut off by Jake.

"[Name], Netyam, Lo'ak, come with me. We need to talk."

[sparklychaosandotherthings]

EVEN MORE Headcanons for Dean Winchester that are true cause I say so;

- he doesn’t actually understand how to make small talk; he’s really blunt naturally, so people think he’s just a guy who gets to the point. But he genuinely doesn’t understand small talk, he isnt really sure why people don’t just say what they wanna say right away. (“What does the weather have to do with anything sam?!!??”) he just feels passive aggressive when he does it to other people, and super uncomfortable when people do it to him.

- he HATES the color purple. It’s almost obsessive how much he hates the color. Like it’s somehow personally wronged him. He can’t explain this hatred either it just….. is.

- he acts like he’s so cool; but he’s the biggest sci - fi movie and tv buff you’ve ever seen. He quotes Star Trek constantly, but he does it so casually and fits it into conversations so well, no one even notices. (Sometimes he kinda hopes someone recognizes it, he’d love to rant about his fav episode, “the naked now,” for a few hours)

- he doesn’t pray, and he really doesn’t believe in the afterlife; BUT, weirdly enough every night he says St. Gertrude’s prayer at least twice. He does it mechanically at this point, but it started when he was a kid after his dad told him it let souls out of purgatory. He murmurs it to himself as he’s getting ready for bed.

- he lowkey got super scared of the movie Coraline when it first came out, he went into it thinking it would be an easy watch, and left feeling a lil queasy. (He hated watching Coraline having to battle the other mother, and the fact that she reminded him of a younger version of himself DID NOT make it easier)

- Dean is the worlds worst cook, he’s poisoned his brother and father like 6 times, once Sam had to get his stomach pumped. (“It didn’t look expired sam, get over it.”) nothing he makes is even REMOTELY edible, and is usually a step away from some sort of neurotoxin outlawed in the Geneva convention.

- he’s an amazing gift giver…. When he remembers to get a gift. He’s no good with dates, but he remembered the time you were at the mall together 7 months ago and u pointed at a pair of boots as u were walking past, he also remembered that u like white chocolate, but specifically the Lindt kind with the milk chocolate in the center. So yeah, ur gift is delivered 2 weeks AFTER ur bday, but it’s probs the most thoughtful gift you’ll ever receive.

- Dean has gone to Starbucks and ordered like 16 shots of expresso into a cup plus an energy shot, he only managed to get down half in one sitting, and was throwing up for like 3 hours afterwards. (Sam finished the second half of the drink and now that’s his new coffee order, the man went to law school, caffeine is his thing fs)

[thequeenofsarcaasm]

As a fan for both Gojo and Killua, what do you say if someone say that "Gojo is not Kakashi rip off but a Killua rip off and will never be as good as Killua". I just found this post in tumblr where someone say why they hate Gojo and start compare him with Killua (like Killua is more empathethic, better best friend, etc). And the point is Killua is way better as a character than Gojo.... What do you think?

*Deep sigh*

Remember when Gojo’s older brother and Dad tried to manipulate him into leaving Geto and focusing on his duties instead? That was so interesting.

Also, when Gojo hesitated to fight against stronger enemies because his philosophy (more like his brother’s but whatever) was to flee at the first difficulty.

I loved the part where Gojo decided to step away from Geto to truly find himself because the codependency had gotten so strong that it hurt them both.

Another thing they have in common is that they’re both “sponges”. Remember how his emotions so often were a mirror of Geto’s. When Geto was depressed he got depressed too! Cause their story is totally about how toxic a friendship can become when you’re constantly together, see your best friend as your saviour and have so much empathy that you feel his grief hundredfold. It’s not about solitude at all.

Gojo’s story is totally about being gaslighted (or is it gaslit? Omg) and manipulated by the people who raised him and learning to grow independent from their influences. It’s not about grief or loneliness or the burden that comes with absolute power. It’s not about changing the system to shield his students from the things his best friend experienced.

Also, they’re the two only characters in anime to have an identity crisis and have a black haired friend help them better themselves. That never happened before and it will never happen again. No one else sought a friend to battle loneliness btw. Everyone knows I worship Togashi and everyone knows Killua is my favourite character ever but they didn’t invent that. Let’s be serious.

I think Geto is also a Geto rip off btw! They both have black hair and their best friend is a white haired guy who loves them to death.

OF COURSE KILLUA IS MORE EMPATHETIC BUT THAT ISN’T NECESSARILY A GOOD THING FOR HIM. He was so empathetic and devoted that it hurt him. He put being a good friend before his own needs and payed the price of it. Almost ended up resenting Gon in the end. Almost. Almost. Only almost.

One day people will learn to see and like Gojo for what he truly is. But that will only happen when they stop comparing him to genuinely pure, genuinely selfless and genuinely benevolent people. He’s a great character cause he lowkey ain’t shit. Not in spite of it.

[cartoonbabbles]

Ok so I know this is technically "Cartoonbabbles" BUT it's also my general fandom account soooooooo fuck it. I just finished the entirety of The Office.

What the fuck do I do with my life now? List out my thoughts on Tumblr while listening to pop songs covered by Hatsune Miku of course.

dear lord season 8 was hard to get through

Why'd they have to do Andy like that like- I appreciate a good snarky guy x secretary ship but come on, Erin and Pete are cute but they're just Jim and Pam to the point where the writers actually poked fun at that.

Andy learning to be okay with himself was actually pretty nice, and you don't need to have a partner to be happy. And I really liked that.

Oscar being the gay uncle to Phillip was fun, I love how he's a fashion icon

Daryll was such a real one throughout the entire series, and I wish him the absolute best

The Farm was. Odd. I don't think I could have stomached it so I'm lowkey glad it didn't happen. It was fun but like- Dwight might be strong enough to shoulder an entire series but I did NOT care for any of his family. Like part of the appeal of The Office for me was that they're a family that found each other, not a family who was placed into a situation they have to make the best of (I understand the irony here but still)

Jim and Pam falling in love again was really sweet

Holly x Michael forever

I loved when Michael kinda just accidentally became Erin's dad.

AND ERIN FOUND HER PARENTS AT THE END MY HEARTTTTTTTTTTTT

And Dwight got to be regional manager

Honestly though I think if they needed Andy to not be regional manager, it would have been as simple as giving him his "aha" moment that he was being stretched too thin when he realized he had a passion for acting and resigned voluntarily, letting Dwight step up without interrupting something that obviously had momentum with Erin (also the two of them emotionally maturing together would have been amazing, because again as much as I love Pete and Erin, Erin choosing and wanting Andy was a lot more organic imo than just. Andy leaves on a boat. Like if you need him gone just say he gets really badly sick bc Erin's brother gives him a nasty cough. Or have Erin leave with him for the Bahamas or something and have her be the one calling in as Andy is captaining.)

But I digress

Michael Michael Michael. Where to begin

I keep saying this but I feel like the reason why the show got so rough after his departure was because everyone associates Michael with being bombastic, inappropriate, and spontaneous, but never with anything positive. And the writers saw his bad sides and just amplified them in the initial versions of Nellie, Robert, and DeAngelo.

Vickers was funny bc he's Will Ferrel and I like Will Ferrel, but he started overstaying his welcome bc the writers couldn't commit to him being any one thing, then the writers unceremoniously kill him off

Jo was fine bc she had both the hardass and vulnerable sides.

Robert California, boy what I could say about him. The writing got tangibly worse whenever he was onscreen bc like- it wasn't even that his actor wasn't familiar with comedy, it's that sex jokes get OLD SO FUCKING QUICKLY. AND ROBERT IS ONE GIANT SEX JOKE. It doesn't help that his behavior stems from his selfishness and he fails to recognize it whereas with Michael at least he tries to own up to things. Robert is just Elon Musk the person.

I'm glad Jan was able to get away and improve herself, she seemed to really love her kid. And then that final interaction kinda bucked that away

Uhhh let's see. Nellie. Initially SUPER annoying bc there is no way in hell anyone like that makes it through business. Like there were initially ZERO redeeming qualities to her. Until Andy decided to be an A-hole to her.

Honestly Andy was just mini-Michael but handled less well bc people were afraid he wouldn't be as cool as him, but that's because he's ANDY. Not MICHAEL. And he could have learned from Michael. But I guess not.

Somehow I really liked the overall queer vibes. The show's writing is old (see any time they talk about trans people) but the writers in general seemed to know trans people aren't demons.

Oh my goodness I am so glad Pam and Roy split. Roy was NOT healthy to be around back when they were together and Jim was TOTALLY good for her.

I'm gonna really miss being able to watch the show from the beginning again.

Something I am very critical of however (or like, just aware of) is how much of the humor is built on sexual harassment and assault like- beyond looney tunes or other cartoons the amount of workplace harassment, while on average likely accurate to any workplace, is genuinely disturbing at times.

Damn. Gotta find something positive

I loved Val, wished they were able to do more with her, her thing with Daryll was really cute

Oh my god Erin is pretty

Basically. Women. God it's 3 and I'm simping over office workers

I don't know why they tried to pitch Andy as this unattractive guy. He's DORKY, not REPULISVE. And I may have accidentally developed a celebrity crush on him

Honestly I kinda feel bad for him, like he's being stretched so thin but he doesn't know any response other than to go 100% in the other direction

Also he was pretty bad to Erin

God positives, come on Sasha.

Openings were always nice.

Jim and Karen were genuinely a good healthy couple for their run

I just wish the show hadn't pitted Pam and Karen against each other cuz like- Karen was in the right most of the time, if not all of the time???

I had no idea Idris Elba was on the show. He indeed is quite hot.

Gabe. Nobody likes Gabe. Tobey is appealing in the wet cat pathetic kinda way, Gabe is just kinda. Creepy. Like jesus dude.

This is a positive because I hate Gabe.

ALSO ERIN BEING MORE ASSERTIVE TOWARDS THE END???

PAM GETTING AWAY WITH BEING OFFICE ADMINISTRATOR???

gosh I love it.

[ideks-on-mars]

This is purely me indulging in myself cuz I can't control it.

ANYWAYS RANDOM SEMI EITA HCS LET'S GO!!!

- I singlehandedly put this man through hell in my brain

- It's out of my love for him, I swear

- Mommy issues central 🥴

- His daddy issues are lowkey there too 🧍

- No seriously, he needs therapy.

- ADHD and Mania? Absolutely.

- Only takes his meds before matches and when he studies.

- If he even DOES study 😭

- He's not the brightest academically and he's accepted it 💀

- He's a little messed up in the head ngl

- He lacks empathy and he hates it

- Cannot smile on command for the life of him 😭

- The best youll get when asking him to smile is a 😬

- Has the CUTEST boyish, genuine, lopsided grin ever tho when someone/something makes him smile

- He's a little insecure tho cuz he's got a minor crossover with his two front teeth

- It's not even that noticeable fr but ofc he notices it 😭

- OK BUT SEMI WITH LIP PIERCINGS??

- THESE#*#?@*^$&@ ^^

- 😩‼️

- Heart attack fuel fr

- Has a bunch of piercings on his ears too

- He's slightly autistic, you can sorta see it if you pay really close attention to his actions

- He gets overwhelmed with emotions a lot and has a habit of punching walls

- THE MOST FUCKED UP FAMILY

- His mom was a prostitute and his dad was an army man who was visiting home without his wife and kids

- Then Eita's older brother came and then whoops lol they have connections, why not hook up more often and have MORE KIDS

- Eita's the baby of the "family" when it comes to his fully biological siblings

- Has younger and older half siblings from his mom and dads other flings/marriages

- His mom finally settled with a nice man who has two kids, a daughter year older than Eita and a son two years younger

- He's actually pretty close with his step brother and step dad lol his step sisters kind of a bitch and her and her friends are loud (but he's not home much anyway due to the dorms so it doesn't matter)

- Meanwhile his dad's first wife forgave him for some unknown reason so he's back with her he guesses, he doesn't talk to his dad really at all

- Him and his mom have the damn worst relationship

- He can't stand her 💀 she fucked him up from the time he was born to the time he left for STZW

- In Middle school/Junior high, he pretty much wore the same hoodie everyday of his life

- It was orange so teachers always asked him to take it off until he started wearing it under his uniform jacket and at that point they would just sigh and leave him be 😭

- Has also had the same backpack since middle school 💀 still has graded papers in there from 5 years ago that he hid from his mom

- Heterochromia in his eyes and hair!

- His hair is pretty obvious yk but his eyes not as much

- His eyes are already a gray-brown color but his left one is just a tinge more grey than the other

- Love languages‼️‼️

- Not the MOST affectionate person in the world but he happily gives it out to people he wants to

- Gives out mostly physical touch and words of affirmation (if he doesn't get too flustered while saying them) and prefers to receive them both back

- HAS SCARS he was a wild child fs

- Knees have scars from constantly being scraped, one from when he got cut by a sea shell at the beach on his lower right stomach, and one on his jaw that goes onto his face from him just being a dumbass

- And those are just the more noticeable ones

- His favorite person in the whole world is his little sister (well,, one of his little sisters)

- She's 6 years old and also the light of his life

- If you get him Pockeys for his birthday he will actually stab you

- Will loudly mock the noises Reon makes when he sits down just to rile him up a bit

- Was that one fucking kid that banged their hands and pencils against the table to make beats

- Has lots of posters of rappers and rock bands all over the dorm walls (Reon, aka roomie, like the angel he is doesn't mind one bit)

- No clue why this wasn't mentioned earlier but this dude is literally the most bisexual man I've ever laid eyes on

- BITES/CHEWS ON EVERYTHING

- Bites towels when he's drying off, bites and totally fucks up all the edges of the head holes in his shirts, bites his hoodie strings, bites his blanket when he's laying down, bites the ends of pencils

- I could go on.

- It's concerning

- If he's not going through a manic episode, he falls asleep EVERYWHERE

- They went to a restaurant as a team while the third years were just first years and a second year looked over to speak to him and he was face down on the table drooling with the other first years awkwardly trying to wake him up 😭

- Everyone is terrified of waking him up at first cuz he gets all cranky

- Now they dgaf 💀 they realize he's gonna be cranky either way cuz he's Semi Eita

- Reon's the only one who's gentle with waking him up

- Tendō and Yamagata, and sometimes Taichi, are definitely the most ruthless 😭 they stick ice cubes down his shirt and shit

- Goshiki tries to wake him up gently but then he ends up panicking and wakes him up with his panic 💀

- The older he gets, the less of an over aggressive rabid asshole he is and more of a flirt

- Doesn't flirt with just anyone tho, probs mostly his friends just cuz it's funny LMFAO 😭

- Said something dirty to Shirabu once and got smacked upside his head

- Distaste for Ushijima

- He just doesn't like how he's so hard to read and it pisses him off

- Has fist fought with Taichi once over something and ngl he kicked Taichi's ass

- Pretty good spice tolerance 👀 not as good as Yamagata but he's the best on the team

- Likes spicy, salty, and sour stuff

- Cinnamon and lemon are definitely his favorite flavors

- BIG APPETITE

- Which is your average teenage boy but then again, he's an athlete so

- Can yall tell that I'm hungry??

- Thighs sculpted by the gods

- I SAID WHAT I SAID

- He randomly goes up to his teammates and starts to act like he's boxing them

- Just gets in stance and starts swinging and makes sound effects with his mouth

- Never really hits them (unless it's Tendō or Yamagata, he might give them a little punch) and if he does he slows it down so it doesn't hurt

- One day Yamagata squared up in response and they just had a fake boxing match

- Calls Reon his volleyball wife 😭

- Literally has him in his phone as 'Wifeyyyy🤤🥴🥶‼️'

- INNOCENT EXCITEMENT HAPPENS A LOT WITH HIM‼️

- He didn't have the best childhood so small things excite him a lot and make him feel special

- He names his guitars but no one knows that except himself 🧍

- It wouldn't be Semi hcs if I didn't talk about music

- Metallica, Nirvana, Iron Maiden, Slipknot, Korn, Megadeth, Black Sabbath, Testament

- Metal, rock, grunge

- ✨️90s alternative✨️

- Don't even get him started, he'll go on for days

- IT'S BEEN A MINUTE SINCE I'VE WROTE DOWN SOME HCS, HOPE I HAVEN'T LOST MY TOUCH 💀

- ANYWAYS HAPPY NEW YEARS 🔥

[sukipershipper]

Bear and Hondo taking Mac on his first camping trip,Actin like a pair of dads without even realizing it XD [Maybe some other homies are there too?? Who knows,Don pulling some older brother shit and demanding Mac put sunscreen on XD]

With the dad jokes and banter that follows lmao hoo boy it sounds funny

Okay so the AI took this as Hondo and Hugger become Mac's fathers and didn't exactly do your prompt but I fucking love it so much lowkey. This is so dorky but also so cute, here ya go:

Bear Hugger and Piston Hondo were excitedly preparing for their first camping trip with Little Mac. They had decided to take the young boxer under their wing and introduce him to the joys of nature and the great outdoors.

As they packed their camping gear, Bear Hugger couldn't help but feel a surge of fatherly pride. "Alright, Mac, make sure you've got your sleeping bag. We're gonna have a bear-y good time!"

Piston Hondo joined in with a chuckle. "That's right, Mac. And don't forget to pack some extra gloves. You never know when you'll need to punch your way out of a tricky situation!"

Little Mac grinned, his eyes filled with excitement. "Thanks, guys! I'm really looking forward to this camping trip. It's gonna be a knockout!"

With their gear loaded into the car, the trio set off on their adventure. They arrived at a picturesque campsite surrounded by towering trees and a glistening lake. The scent of nature filled the air, and the sound of chirping birds provided the soundtrack to their journey.

As they set up their tents, Bear Hugger couldn't resist a classic dad joke. "Hey, Mac, did you hear about the kidnapping at the campground? It's okay, though. He woke up!"

Piston Hondo chuckled and joined in, playing his role as the other "dad." "And Bear-san, did you know that camping can help you improve your boxing skills? Yeah, it really brings out your inner 'tent-sion'!"

The banter continued throughout the day, filled with puns, laughter, and good-natured teasing. Little Mac found himself caught in the middle of their friendly competition, but he loved every moment of it.

However, their jovial atmosphere was soon interrupted by the arrival of Don Flamenco, who had tagged along uninvited. Don saw himself as the older brother figure, always finding ways to annoy Little Mac.

"Hey, Little Mac, is it true you can't catch any fish?" Don taunted, smirking.

Bear Hugger quickly stepped in, taking on the protective father role. "Now, now, Don. We're here to have a good time. Let's leave the fishing jokes at the door."

Piston Hondo nodded in agreement, his voice filled with a firm but fatherly tone. "That's right, Don. We're here to enjoy the great outdoors and support each other. Let's keep it positive, alright?"

Don grumbled but reluctantly agreed, not wanting to ruin the spirit of the trip completely.

As the evening settled in, they gathered around a crackling campfire, roasting marshmallows and sharing stories. Bear Hugger's deep voice carried a sense of nostalgia as he recounted his own camping adventures.

"Back in my day, we didn't have fancy gadgets or technology. We relied on good old-fashioned storytelling to keep us entertained."

Piston Hondo chimed in, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "Ah, Bear-san, those were the days. Did I ever tell you about the time I wrestled a grizzly bear? I gave him the ol' one-two and knocked him out cold!"

Little Mac's eyes widened in awe. "Really, Piston? You wrestled a bear?"

Piston Hondo chuckled, patting Little Mac on the back. "Well, maybe not a real bear, Mac. But sometimes, a good story can be just as exciting as the real thing."

As the night wore on, their campfire burned low, and exhaustion began to set in. Bear Hugger yawned and stretched, a signal that it was time to turn in for the night.

"Alright, boys, time to hit the hay. We've got another day of adventure ahead," Bear Hugger announced, his voice laced with fatherly authority.

Piston Hondo nodded, his voice softening. "Rest up, Mac. Tomorrow, we'll be ready to conquer the great outdoors once again."

They settled into their tents, each embracing the comfort of their sleeping bags. Little Mac couldn't help but feel a sense of belonging as he listened to the soft snores of his newfound father figures.

In the quiet of the night, a warm breeze rustled the leaves, and the distant hoot of an owl echoed through the forest. Little Mac drifted off to sleep, feeling safe and loved in the company of his camping dads.

And as Bear Hugger and Piston Hondo exchanged contented smiles, they too found solace in the shared joy of fatherhood, even if it wasn't in the traditional sense. In that peaceful moment, they realized that their bond as a makeshift family had grown stronger, and they were grateful for the chance to be there for Little Mac, not just as trainers and mentors, but as fathers in spirit.

With the stars twinkling overhead and the quiet hum of nature enveloping them, they fell into a deep, peaceful slumber, knowing that the adventures they shared and the memories they made would forever be cherished in their hearts.

[ofnari]

☆ welcome to infinite entertainment! it's CHO NARI, who is MAIN VOCALIST of FLORA. i’ve heard whispers that the 27 year old is pretty RESOURCEFUL but lowkey GUARDED. also, doesn’t she remind you of JENNIE KIM?

Hello darlings !!! This is Esme (21+, she/her) and I'm here with another kid (yeah, I know). Some of you might remember this muse from before (new name and face), but she's my baby and she has always belonged here in Infinite. 

There was a time when she was known as South Korea’s Little Sister, a child actress that was in a lot of dramas and was invited to many variety shows because she was cute and charming, and her quirkiness was adorable. But then she grew up and she wasn’t the cute girl anymore, so girl went and become an idol because it kinda just fell into her lap. She went with the flow not really knowing it was her father’s doing, but hey ignorance is bliss. 

But life taught her not everything's perfect. She's nothing like what people expect her to be when they see her. Once a happy and outgoing girl, she's now very closed off and shy, protecting herself from getting hurt again. The industry hasn't been kind to her, and it has made her wonder if a career as a singer and being part of a company that doesn't care about anything but money is what she really wants for her. If you want to plot message me at @offleurs or like this and we’ll figure something out !!!

BIO °° ABOUT °° PROFILE °° PINTEREST °° PLOTS

Childhood

She was born under the first full moon of july, in a year when said month started and ended with one, which was supposed to be hopeful, but it only was the beginning of her parents' downfall.

Was raised by her dad, and in part her brother since he is eight years older than her.

Her dad is Cho Sungmin, a known actor both in movies and dramas.

He married a non-celebrity woman against everyone telling him not to, completely in love that he didn’t realize she only wanted to secure the bag. Of course, it all went to hell at some point.

Her parents got divorced when she was three, hasn't heard from her mom since then.

Although his dad went through a lot during the separation/divorce/all around mess, he always made sure Nari had a happy childhood.

Doted on from the moment she took her first breath, her father gave her everything she wanted. It was more out of the guilt he felt for being so busy and not around as he should. So there was nothing she could ever wish for that she wouldn’t get. Nari wanted to dance? There was a ballet teacher waiting for her the next day. She wanted to learn to play piano? There was a big one in the living room the very next morning. Money was never a problem in the Cho household, but it can’t really buy happiness and Nari, as grateful as she was, would have wanted to see her father and brother more often.

No surprise that, when a eleven-year-old Nari said she wanted to be an actress, her father got her a minor role in a drama.

Debuted as a child actress in 2007, a minor role in the drama Witch Yoo Hee.

Good student usually minded her own business, friendly at all times. All of it not to cause her father any problems.

In reality, and it’s something she still deals with, part of her always thinks that no matter what she does, she will never be as good as her brother. He is a popular idol from a popular group, then debuted as a soloist. People love him, seems like he has his life figured out, and their father is so proud. So she’s trying to follow the same steps and failing.

The thing is, his brother was a very much wanted child. Nari was her mother’s last chance to fix a broken marriage.

Bullying TW // But it wasn't perfect. She was the golden child around the people who loved her, but things at school were different.

Nari wasn't the pretty girl around, she wasn't popular, too shy, and spoke too quietly. Other girls made fun of her because of her being an actress and her family. And she didn't have many friends, she spent the breaks reading and studying.

Becoming a teenager didn't help, because as the other girls worried about their looks and what they wore, Nari worried about becoming the actress she dreamed of.

After many minor roles, she finally decided that she wanted a lead role, but it wasn't as easy. It didn't matter that she wanted it, and without her father's doing, she couldn't do it on her own.

She needed a manager and a company.

She got an audition for New Star Entertainment and ended up becoming a trainee instead. Of course, she got the audition and got accepted because her dad pulled some strings.

Deep down she knows it, or at least suspects it, but she always wants to believe that she got it on her own.

Debut

There was a part of her that thought she would ever really debut, that she would make it as a lead actress first.

Surprise, she was actually talented enough to be selected as the main vocalist for a new girl group.

She considered quitting, but anything was better than waiting for something that didn't seem to happen.

She was worried about how the other members would react, she knew people talked behind her back about how everything she had was thanks to her dad., but she found her home with them. They didn't care about any of that, but about the person she was.

Still, she kept that cheerful facade she had built, not wanting others to see her insecurities.

She doubted herself, her talent, and everything she did.

But being on the stage changed it if even for just a few minutes.

She was highly criticized at first for her voice, but people never wasted time saying she didn't have what it took to be a main vocalist.

But she trained her voice, worked hard, and practiced harder. Pushed herself to her limits and definitely got better. People always talked shit, but she gained a lot of confidence in herself.

Being part of a group with such loving and accepting girls helped her to get out of her shell, and she began socializing a lot more.

Slowly, that shy and quiet girl became such a ray of sunshine, someone who easily made friends everywhere she went.

She finally landed a lead role in 2016, Love in the Moonlight.

See, for a moment, she thought this was about her being a talented actress and that people were finally seeing that. It was really how pretty she was and how popular Flora was getting, so adding an idol to the drama would help ratings.

And so it became her life, her looks were more important than her talent and her hard work.

So it was like that - her voice wasn't enough to be a main vocalist and her talent as an actress wasn't enough to please people, all she got was the way she looked. It really affected the way she saw herself.

But she pushed and pushed, and tried to get roles that at least challenged her as an actress, and to be the best singer she could possibly be.

2018 (Death tw)

It was the most bittersweet year in Nari's life.

Whilst Tempted had a mixed reception in South Korea, it was well-received internationally. Nari ranked second in the list of the top 10 most talked about actors and actresses in South Korea. Despite the question of idol singers in lead roles, Nari was subsequently praised for her improvement and potential in acting, opening the door for her. It led her to get cast as the lead in the historical drama 100 Days My Prince.

It was a huge opportunity, and despite how busy Flora’s schedules were, Nari gave her best to be present for both.

Flora had become one of the biggest groups in the industry thanks to their hard work, catchy songs, and lovely personalities

Right after the incredible success of 'Yes or Yes', the girls were preparing for the repackage comeback when tragedy reached their life.

It was no secret how close the girls and all their families were, so when Silver's brother Eunwoo died in a car accident, the girls felt devastated by the news.

Nari was away at a location filming for the drama when she received the news, the manager in charge to look after her was the one who had to tell her. Still, she had to go out and finish her day before going back to Seoul.

As it should be, Silver went on hiatus to go home and be with her family, leaving the other girls to promote 'Best Thing I Ever Did', and their Japanese comeback.

Nari became the acting Leader, looking after the girls and the group in the best way she could, trying to stay strong for everyone. It was exhausting to be there for Flora and filming at the same time, but Nari knew she had no option.

It was no surprise when rumors took over social media, people wanting to know the real reason why Silver was on hiatus. All of them were upsetting, but it seemed that people enjoyed kicking them when they were already down.

Nari knew there was no special treatment in any way, but she had expected New Star to protect Silver's privacy, and instead, it seemed that their way to fix this was to force Silver to come back before she was ready so Flora didn't lose their popularity.

It was heartbreaking seeing Silver going through something so painful and still having to work so hard, to practice every day, forced to act like nothing was wrong. It made Nari sick, and for the first time, she saw the real industry and how rotten it was.

There was a shift in the Flora energy - Nari couldn't help but stop trusting their staff, to think there were always ill intentions behind their actions. It was a horrible way to live, but she couldn't change the way she felt.

Suddenly, she became too quiet, keeping to herself. She only spoke to the staff if she really had to, keeping her interactions for her members only.

People couldn't be trusted - no staff, no other idols, absolutely no person that was part of New Star deserved an ounce of their attention.

2019-2020

Mental health TW // Soon, the stress took the best of her. Nari often felt like she couldn't breathe, trapped in between the walls of the New Star building or even the Flora dorms.

It was her father who, worried, suggested she went to see a therapist. The company didn't seem too happy with it, afraid that the information would become public and Flora suffered another hit to their image. But her father wanted the best for her and still took her.

Nari was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which lead her to take a break from acting for a while. Deciding that if she ever went back, she would do it for a project she truly wanted to do and with people she was comfortable with.

However, since Silver had already taken a six-month break in 2018, Nari wasn't allowed to take time off Flora’s schedule.

Her therapist suggested she found activities that kept her mind busy, and after she tried a few, Lego building and knitting were the ones that worked the best for her.

Nari received a script from a director she had worked with in the past. It wasn't a lead role, but an important character for the drama. Nari hesitated for a while before deciding to go back.

The great working environment and meeting so many new people made her remember why she loved acting. It was great for her, and for the first time in a while, she felt more herself.

Merger

If she has to be honest, she didn't care much about it. All companies are the same, and she still gets to be in Flora and perform. She didn't expect Infinite to be better than New Star, but she was with her girls.

It was difficult to see so many people she wasn't used to, feeling insecure and anxious. She tried her best, but Nari couldn't trust anyone.

This made it difficult, really, because she couldn't find it in herself to socialize with people.

For the most part of 2021, Nari did her job or was at the dorms.

The only major change was that she got her own apartment for privacy and to have a room completely for her Legos only.

Still, she decided to keep living with the girls in the Flora dorms.

Tour

Traveling the world with the girls is fun, but because of the tour she has missed great acting opportunities and that has been troubling her.

Sharing with so many people makes her anxious, she usually keeps to herself or her members. She's trying not to be noticed that much.

Nari has been slowly opening up, letting her true self be seen more often than before, but she still is very careful.

After almost a year of traveling, she had given herself the chance to open her mind and maybe try to get to know others.

It hasn't been easy, but it's been a big step to at least try to.

Present

Nari has been focusing on herself and healing.

she’s been working on a solo project, still not so sure about it.

Hoping for a good acting role after almost two years of no acting.

Random Facts

Despite how quiet and reserved she might seem, she's a ball of energy. If she's comfortable around you, she'll always be smiling.

She's actually quite funny if given the chance.

The clumsiest person you have ever known, but only off stage. When she’s on the stage, she transforms completely, she’s a whole different person who seems to know what she’s doing (spoiler alert, she doesn’t), and you can’t believe she’s the same person who fell backstage just a few minutes ago.

Big big fan of everyone, has albums and lightsticks, has gone to concerts, and collects photocards. But she won't say so.

If you’re her friend, she has probably knitted something for you. it’s her love language. Loves knitting and she does vlives just so the fans can see it.

She also absolutely loves eating and baking, but on tour, she hasn't had the chance to do it as often. She's always been in charge of feeding the Flora members, making sure they always have something to eat ready for them.

Nari wears her contacts all the time. But if she trusts you enough, you'll get to see her with big round glasses and hair in a messy bun.

She still doesn't trust any staff, they're all the same. And she doesn't trust people's intentions either.

Living like this is exhausting, and she often wonders if it's worth it.

She loves building legos and has a big collection, like huge.

People online are so mean, always judging her and saying awful things about her. She posts on instagram for their fans, but she is always afraid of reading the comments.

She always has dating rumors even for breathing too close to someone else, she's always dating a new person every three seconds and she hates it. Reason why she doesn't like being seen with others.

Which is crazy, because she doesn't really befriends people, and it's really all about how good she looks next to someone else.

She’s pretty nice, you just have to work past all the walls she has built around her to see it.

[crossdressingdeath]

*slides in* it’s my time to shine

I’d love to hear more about your Inquisitor Alaris!! Especially his relationship with Dorian and Bull. It’s such an interesting dynamic that changes a bunch based on the quiz

+ who else in the Inquisition was Alaris close to? :)

(Also I want you to know that your blog is one of the only ones I have post notifications on for because you have so many great ideas. I’ve stollen the Inquisitor possessed by Dirthamen idea and adopted it for my own!)

;jalksjdflsdk anon that's so sweet, thank you.

Okay, okay, okay! Alaris and his boyfriends! So the thing in my setting is that Alaris has just the biggest crushes on Bull and Dorian basically from day one, but he's so terrified of what the Chantry faithful who make up his advisors and followers will do to him if he steps too far out of line (which. the Tevinter altus and the Ben-Hassrath spy are certainly not romantic interests the Inquisition would've picked for their Inquisitor) that he keeps hesitating and putting off saying anything for long enough that Bull and Dorian get together before he makes a move (because of course he's bringing them places with him), and then he basically immediately goes "I want my beloveds to be happy" about it and tries to pull himself back to just being friends with them with no romantic feelings whatsoever, because clearly if they're into each other they wouldn't be into him and he doesn't want to ruin things with two of the only people he's really close to in the Inquisition. This... goes about as well as you might expect. They dance around it for a bit and then at some point post-Adamant (and post-Bull and Dorian's companion quests, because I've always felt like a lot of the companion quests fit best after HLtA or WEaWH when the Inquisition has gathered some power and Thedas-wide recognition; things like the Qunari offering a full alliance or Dorian's father tracking him down feel like they fit best when the Inquisition's got a bit more attention and power) they eventually have A Conversation and things go from there. There is a period where they aren't together but Alaris is simply the most cuddly because this boy has not had a hug in approximately three years and keeps nearly dying and Bull and Dorian are simply expected to deal with that like normal people who wouldn't do anything at all if Alaris just batted his eyelashes at them and that is just deeply unfair. Also Alaris is a bundle of anxiety locked down behind a facade of solid steel and you know that Bull and Dorian would absolutely want to help with that. Meanwhile Alaris's relationship with Bull and Dorian is by the end of the game basically the only thing keeping him from just giving up in disgust and leaving the world to die and the three of them are so clearly head-over-heels for each other that the advisors can't be too annoyed about it, but at the same time... the Tevinter altus and the Qunari merc, Inquisitor? Really? Could he not have made it quite so difficult for them to win over the Chantry faithful?

As for the rest of the Inquisition, Alaris is probably closest to Cole as basically the only other person who never gives him shit and who always at least tries to make him feel better about all this nonsense. After Cole probably Solas, who as an older elf mage with a lot of information that he's happy to share is the most familiar presence in the entire Inquisition even if he does shit on the Dalish constantly and so Alaris kind of lowkey assigns him the role of hahren and surrogate father/older brother, mostly accidentally. Solas for his part mostly reciprocates even if he's not sure if Alaris counts as a person for a good chunk of their acquaintance. There are a few times where Alaris storms out of Solas's room when Solas says something particularly insensitive, but mostly they fit into a very comfortable, affectionate friendship. Varric is also slightly put into dad mode even if there is some tension from Varric's very centrist position on things that are life or death for Alaris and his people. And then after that it's probably Josie and Leliana, who he likes and respects even though the endless Andrastian nonsense drives him nuts. Below that they're mostly even? He absolutely avoids talking about anything personal or meaningful with Sera because if he steps away from small talk and grumbling about nobles it becomes deeply unpleasant within a couple minutes. Cassandra he tolerates; he can respect her drive, but he hates everything she stands for and only plays nice with her because he still remembers very clearly how she spent most of his first few days with the Inquisition calling him a murderer (look, he didn't actually kill the Divine even if he would have given the chance!) and threatening to kill him. And he hates Cullen. Just despises him and everything he stands for, and is also terrified of him because Alaris is a Dalish mage who's had a lot of bad experiences with Templars in general and Kirkwall Templars in particular. Cullen only survives because Alaris fears the Chantry as much as he hates it and so doesn't dare go against them openly enough to behead the commander the Divine's right hand chose for him.

[saddarkentruths]

alright so, my brother got a gf who's also artistic but she's like a professional artist, but we paint in different styles so it's fine. But she would often try to "help" me get better, which is already a wtf. But I stopped talking about my work cuz of her.

And there's been small things, silly things, I've done since i was a kid, like I'm the self anointed clown 🤡

But then she started doing those stuff, so I just completely stopped 🥲

And these were things that got my siblings to laugh, and now the gf got all that attention, and basically from the get go I just didn't like her, first impressions are sooo important

Cuz first thing she did when we were alone was just like come up close to me and tell me that my brother told her about all my past trauma, which btw? So fucking unnecessary? Like why? Is he thinking about this often? Is he OK?

But even more so what the actual fuck.

You don't go up to someone as like "I heard you were fiddled with as a kid, but I'm here for you"

Like what did she expect me to say? "Thank you woman I haven't heard much about and this is the first time I talk to you"

It's been 7 years since then, and I'm just... so uncomfortable with her.

But I don't want my brother to know and to be unhappy cuz yay he found someone who loves him, and she also got a kid and he's an amazing step dad.

And she is also good friends with my other siblings, but since she stepped so much over the comfort zone line, I'm constantly on guard.

Last time I met her she tried to get me to use oil paint or some more "natural" type and not acrylic... which I love to use, cuz I can mix it with water and it dries fast etc

She's even had the fucking audacity to try and "correct" my work, by just showing me the insta posts I've posted and go "if you did this, instead of that... it would look better"

We are both adults, but I have to hold back so much teen drama energy, mom knows about this, and I'm not gonna make a big deal and make drama, cuz my big sister says she's like this cuz she's trying me make me like her...

Cuz this is totally the right way to go about it -_-

One of the ickiest things she's done is at my big sister's wedding, we were all tipsy, and she sat down on my lap, I just held my hands up, if she was gonna fall, that would be on her, and she got like??? Teen drunk flirty, and I sure fucking hope my discomfort showed on my face.

Even fucking worse is that my brother, also drunk af, grabbed her by the waist and placed her on his and just went "she's mine"

Like no bro absolutely don't worry, even if she was single I'd never even hug her

She's so eugh

But ugh

I can be happy with that I never really see her, but that means I won't get to see my brother as much.

And even tho I want to lowkey show her I don't like her, I can't, cuz she will tell my brother, then he's gonna wonder why I'm like this, and prob get upset, then his mood have been ruined, what if this turns into a fight etc etc

She haven't done anything like... bad, she's just in my comfort zone like we're besties

[deliriousgeek]

Thomas Shelby x Wife Reader

Summary: A quiet evening meant for celebration is thrown into chaos. Y/n wills herself to play into the daunting role that comes with being Thomas Shelby’s wife, because it might be the only thing keeping her alive. 

Masterlist

Tommy lowkey feels very oc so idk how to feel about that. im not good at writing suspense...its also very long. ha :,)

Warning: blood, guns, knives, fights, usual peaky blinder violence

If anyone knew Y/n Shelby, then they would know that she can’t stand seeing dead bodies. Although in her case, having that reaction would seem ironic, considering her husband was Thomas Shelby. 

It was around 9pm when Y/n slipped her night robe off and lay back on her bed. Her night was just winding down and she was waiting for Thomas to get back. He said he would try to be home around midnight, and to not wait up. He and his brothers would be at the Garrison, celebrating Arthur’s return from prison and discussing what was to be done with the Jews and Italians next. 

Y/n knew it would be a couple hours for Tommy to be home, so she settled onto their bed and grabbed a book off her night stand. 

The room was bathed in a warm, orange and yellow light— the type of light candles can give. When she was home alone, Y/n liked to use candle light. It reminded her of a time before the war and before this gang business, when all she and Tommy had to worry about was getting enough candles to light up the dinner table. 

Half an hour had passed and Y/n had gotten through a decent number of pages in her book. She felt her eyes drooping and decided it was time to call it a night. She stretched and cracked her neck before turning to place her book on the nightstand. Just as she was about to place the book down, she heard a creak downstairs. 

She froze.

Tommy wasn’t supposed to be back until midnight and none of the Shelby family would come over this late without a call, that was their safety protocol. 

She listened for more creaking. 

After Tommy had bought their house he had insisted on replacing the creaky floor boards, but decided to keep a few. In certain spots, that could be easily avoided if one knew where to walk, the floor would still creak. It was a safety thing that Tommy and Y/n agreed would be good to have. If the floorboards downstairs still creaked after the first step, it wasn’t one of them. 

Creak...creak...creak...

That wasn’t Tommy. 

Y/n took in a deep breath as she put herself back into a sitting position on the bed. An intruder was in her house. At the moment, the Peaky Blinders had a lot of enemies. It could be anyone. Mostly, someone with a gun. 

She listened as the person made their way upstairs. She could hear them passing Tommy’s office, and the guest bedroom. This person knew where their room was, and she could only deduce from their movement’s that they were coming for her. 

Y/n was scared. She knew how to defend herself, but didn’t like doing it if she didn’t have to. Rolling her shoulders, she prepared herself for the inevitable. She’d have to fight tonight. 

To be clear, Y/n Shelby wasn’t unable to fight. She was a pro at throwing knives, which she preferred to guns; much to Tommy’s dismay. She knew how to shoot a gun and could decently fare in hand to hand combat, but she was still scared. Her heart beat in her chest quickly and anxiety bubbled to the surface. A normal reaction to knowing someone broke into your house to hurt you, or worse. Y/n assumed it was the latter. However, instead of letting her fear show, she turned on her fake calmness. A trick she forced herself to learn as Thomas Shelby’s wife. The alarm that was spread across her face vanished, instead being replaced with an eerily calm facade.

There was no point in locking the door. The person knew how to get past those if he made it into their living room. She heard their steps stop at the front of her door, she raised her book to her face, pretending like she was reading.

Act calm. She told herself.

Then, the door burst open.

Back at the pub, the Shelby brothers  were sitting around the table in the snug. Sharing laughs and taking on their third round of Whiskey.

“Alright boys,” Tommy began, placing his glass down and looking around the table. “We’ve had our fun, business begins now.” His content expression turned serious. 

His other brothers, and cousin Michael, cleared their throats and straightened up. 

“As you know, taking Arthur out of prison is a direct threat to the Sabini’s. It shows that even in London we have enough influence to get our own men out, if needed.”

The brothers nodded, and shared looks.

Tommy continued, “Getting Arthur out was our first move. Now it’s the Italian’s and the Jew’s turn but we don’t know when their next strike will be. So, from this moment on we have to be aware, alert, and ready for every—”

The door flew open.

Sir!” Out of breath, Isaiah stood with one hand on the door knob, looking at Tommy. 

“Oi!” Arthur shouted. “You know better than to interrupt!” 

Tommy nodded his head at Arthur, then turned to Isaiah. “What is it, lad.”

“Better be important,” John added. 

“Sir, the Italians are here. My dad spotted them making their way down the lane. They got a group with guns and a car. We best hurry.” Isaiah said in a rushed voice.

With that all the Shelby men stood and placed their caps on, rushing out of the snug. 

Upon noticing the urgency in which the brothers exited, the rest of the Peaky Blinders in the pub were at full alert, waiting for Tom’s next words. The crowd silenced as the brothers stood at the snug doors, facing the onlookers. 

“If you aren’t a Peaky Blinder,” Tom eyed the crowd, “leave.” 

Noise filled the bar again as chairs shuffled, cups were placed on tables, and the front doors opened and closed.

Tom didn’t speak again until there were only Peaky Blinders left. He pulled out his revolver and checked it, making sure there were bullets, before looking up again. 

“Battle formation, men. The Italians are here.” 

Then in a flurry of peaky hats and over coats, the rest of the men got into their positions. Some ran up the stairs to get the extra cases of shotguns and revolvers. Others pulled out their own handguns and checked them as well. The Shelby boys looked at each other, a silent way of saying ‘good luck’. 

Once Tommy deemed every one armed, he nodded to Arthur, who shouted to move out. 

The Shelbies were at the front, while everyone fell behind them in triangle formation. As they marched outside, they could see the group of Italians rounding the corner. 

It was rather intimidating. An outline of men and guns on shoulders, a rather sizable group at that, illuminated by the truck headlights that followed behind. It was a sight to see.

Darby Sabini stood at the front, a shotgun slung over his shoulder.

As the groups marched towards each other and came to a stop, a man behind Thomas called out to the front. “At your command Sergeant Major.”

A hushed tone of agreement spread throughout the group.

Darby stepped forward. “Thought you could come on our turf and get away with it, aye?” 

Tommy stepped forward as well, hands in his pockets. “It was meant as a friendly gesture, but I don’t think you have enough friends to know what that means.”

A small smirk made its way onto Tommy’s face as he stared Darby down. 

Darby narrowed his eyes, irritated at that remark. “I’ll show you what friendly means. Now!”

A hail of gunfire began and the sound of shots being fired filled the lane. It was chaos. Bullets flew and body’s fell. Punches were thrown and blood was spread. More men jumped out of the covered truck and ran to beat down the men on the other side. 

Tommy ducked and punched, kicked and shot. In the middle of punching a man in the gut he yelled, “Leave Darby for me!”

His men did just that. 

Thomas fought his way to the center of the fight, where Darby had just knocked out a Peaky Blinder. Tommy aimed his gun and walked forward, aiming at Darby. The fighting on both sides ceased.

“I didn’t bring a battalion to your town.” Tommy spoke clearly, in a raised voice. 

Darby aimed his gun as well. The two circled each other as men on both sides stopped to observe the interaction. They watched Tommy and Darby tread carefully, like two tentative predators waiting for their opposer to falter.

“You still showed up. That was enough.”

The two men were breathing heavily, a result from the brawls they just finished.

“What’s your purpose for being here, Sabini?” Thomas stopped pacing, his gun still firmly held up. 

Darby stopped as well. An obnoxious laugh left his lips. “Isn’t it obvious?”

Tommy didn’t move. He held a blank face, but his eyes still watched Darby with intensity. 

Not waiting for a response Darby continued, “I’m reminding you that I can take away everything you have in an instant. I already put your brother in jail, which it seems wasn’t a good enough warning for you, since you stupidly had him released so quickly.”

Darby took a couple steps toward Thomas, gun raised. 

“Killing me won’t do anything. I got people in place to still ruin you.” Thomas stated, his tone flat. 

Darby lowered his gun, a sickly calm smile spread across his face. It was an unsettling sight that made Tommy begin to think something was off.

“Oh Tommy boy, I’m just the distraction,” Darby’s eyes noticeably darkened, “How’s your wife these days?”

Tommy’s eyes widened and his finger pulled the trigger.

Darby fell to the ground dead, a bullet was lodged in the center of his forehead. 

Then like a wave, the fighting began again.

As soon as the gunshot rang, Tommy saw red. He shot, punched, kicked or swung at anyone in his way as he fought to get out of the crowd. He didn’t bother shouting an explanation to his brothers as he ran to his car. 

Tommy shoved his keys into the ignition and started the car. Tommy slammed his foot on the gas as soon as the engine roared to life. The car’s lights illuminated the carnage left from the battle. The Peaky Blinders were the last ones standing, as Tommy expected, but paid no mind to. His thoughts too consumed with conjuring the hundreds of horrible possibilities he might see upon arriving home, all ending with a bloodied image of Y/n.

John and Arthur ran towards the car, causing Thomas to slam on the breaks. 

“Where are you going?” John asked urgently. 

“They’re going for Y/n.” Thomas hastily replied.

John and Arthur jumped on the side of the car just in time before Tommy could speed up again. 

Michael and Finn watched as the older Shelby boys passed them. 

“Great. So we’re left to clean up the mess.”

At the house, Y/n held her book to her face as the door burst open. She turned her head and was met with the sight of a man pointing a gun at her. His clothes were clean and he looked very young. Her eyes flitted from the gun to his shoes, then to his eyes, then back to the gun. 

“On your feet.” He demanded. 

“What?” Y/n feigned innocence, despite her struggle to keep calm.

The man, gun still held towards her, trudged over and ripped the book from her hands, throwing it onto the floor. 

“I said on your feet!” He yelled in her face, backing away so he was a few feet from the bed.

She stared into his eyes, an impassive look on her face. Y/n looked back down at the gun. 

With a purse of her lips and a shrug she stated, “I’d rather not.”

The man’s soldier esc demeanor nearly slipped at her blatant defiance of his orders. “It’s not an option lady! Get up.”

She chuckled. “Y’see, lad. I’ve been on my feet all day. Have you ever worn heels for over six hours? Rather painful you know.”

Her cocky attitude betrayed her quickly beating heart that was full of adrenaline.

In an effort to scare her, he menacingly stepped forward. “I ain’t afraid to hurt you lady, but the boss wants you alive. If you keep disobeying me, I'm allowed to use force.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh really, and who is your boss? I must thank him for not wanting me dead.” 

She knew she was playing with her life, but if this boy was as inexperienced as he looked, she would get the information she needed to warn Tommy. Granted, if she got out of this situation. 

“Sabini.” The man bluntly answered. 

Y/n swallowed. This wasn’t good. If Sabini’s men were here and not in London, she needed to warn Thomas immediately. Her heart pumped faster than she thought possible and every nerve in her body was on the verge of trembling from fear.

“I see.” Y/n turned her head to the foot of the bed. “Well, like I said, I’d rather not get up. Matter of fact, I’d rather keep reading. So be a dear and hand me my book, would ya?” She was stalling.

“C’mon lady, stop being stubborn. You don't even got a weapon to be making these demands.” The man sneered.

Y/n slowly adjusted herself so that she scooted away from the pillows that propped her up. She straightened her legs on the bed, her left crossed over her right. Then she leaned back on her arms, purposely pushing up her chest to show off her unbinded chest. Hopefully, he’d be dumb enough to look at her distraction, and he was. 

“Ah, well. It was worth a shot. I can tell that you're new to this whole— kidnapping thing. If you want to get better at it then you should learn this.” She paused before looking back at the man, “Always do research on your target.”

The young man’s brows furrowed, obviously confused. 

“If you did your research, like a good little gangster,” She began as she slid her left leg up off her right, causing her silk nightgown to slowly expose her leg. The man’s eyes roamed her leg once she stopped moving, leaving her left leg in a bent position. She reached for the hem of the dress and raised it further up her left leg, stopping until it got to her mid thigh, “Then you would know, that I’m always armed.”

In a swift and well practiced motion, Y/n grabbed the sharp, throwing knife from her thigh holster, and threw. The knife landed in the man’s chest, in his heart. Looking down at the knife, the man stumbled backwards, tripping over his own feet and falling onto his back. Blood quickly formed a growing splotch of red on his shirt. Y/n quickly stood from the bed to remove the gun from the man’s hand, she then crouched over him. 

She placed her hand on the knife handle, “It was a shame you didn’t do your research.” Then she pushed the knife forward, until she felt through the blade that it had really punctured his heart.

Y/n stood over the man’s body, gun in her hand, and watched the blood puddle grow. She backed away until her knees hit the bed and gave way. Letting out a shaky breath, she sat with the gun in her lap. In an attempt to avoid looking at the body laid in front of her, Y/n stared at the ceiling. 

The adrenaline began to wear off, and the reality of the situation dawned on her. She could have died, quite easily too. If her attacker had not been so inexperienced and if she wasn’t wanted brought back alive, she could have died. Then, she thought of her husband.

Tommy. 

Had the man lying dead on her carpet opened the door and shot, Tommy would have had to come home to her dead body instead. The thought of Tommy finding her body, cold and bloody, scared her more than death. She couldn’t imagine the pain of him being alone. He would blame himself for her death. He would say he couldn’t protect her, and he would loathe himself for the rest of his life. Tears began to prick her eyes and her throat tightened. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing the tears to go away and for her erratic heart beat to calm down. 

She killed a man.

That’s the only thought she could process. Her emotions muddled her thinking. Never before had she used her knives to kill. She used guns, from far away. She used punches to knock people out. She used her knives to injure, but never before had she needed them to kill. She was slightly glad for the memory of Tommy coming back home from an errand, returning with the thin knife holster that he insisted she wear when he wasn’t home. She was also glad that she made it a rule for herself to never take it off unless Tommy was home with her. 

Then, the silence of the house was broken again. She flinched. This time, the sound came from the front door slamming open and muffled shouts that she could only register as her name. 

“Y/n! Y/n where are you?” The voice shouted.

She couldn’t pinpoint who it was, not in her boggled state of mind, but she knew it was safe. So she answered. 

“In the bedroom.” 

Her eyes were still shut and her head faced the ceiling when Tommy rushed in.

“Y/n.” His voice was slightly breathless as he took in the sight before him. 

The room was covered in warm, candle light, giving a complete opposite tone to the tense atmosphere. His wife sat on the bed with a gun in her lap. A man, with his wife’s knife in his chest, laid dead on the ground and a puddle of blood surrounded his wound. 

Y/n opened her eyes and looked at her husband. She could see the fear and worry that filled his eyes, his face in slight shock.

Thomas was relieved to see his wife unharmed, but he could see the tears that were threatening to fall. Her slumped shoulders were signs of exhaustion. The way her chest moved up and down with heavy breathes told him she was on the verge of holding herself together. 

Arthur and John came bounding up the stairs next, and found their places on either side of Thomas. 

Y/n’s voice came out void of emotion, but her teary eyes said it all. “One of Sabini’s men.” She stated before turning her eyes to the ceiling once more, trying to blink away tears. “Please get him out of my sight.” The growing puddle of blood made her want to throw up. 

“You heard her,” Thomas said in a low tone, staring at his wife with concerned eyes. “Get rid of ‘em.” His voice was just above a whisper.

Arthur and John stepped forward, grabbing the man by his arms and lugged him out of the room. Only once the man had been removed did Thomas walk towards his wife. Only when he wrapped his arms around her did she let herself cry. She let herself sob and express how truly scared she was when the man burst into her room, and pointed a gun to her head. 

Thomas held her close and kissed her head. He whispered in her ear that she was okay, and that she did what she needed to do. Holding her close, he told her he loved her, and promised to never let anything like that happen to her again. 

Masterlist

well I tried

Edit: Bro this blew up in less than a day with 41 notes. Thank you♡

[ashintheairlikesnow]

We Can Love You Now

Anon requested:  *whispers from away* Rafael and Chris meet again

Ding ding ding ding we have a winner! Also this is lowkey for @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow specifically just throwing that out there

Rafael has previously appeared here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Oh good lord he needs his own list now doesn’t he?

CW: Derogatory victim-blaming language early on, recovering whumpee, trauma response, fluff really, this is the real comf shit, conditioned behavior, pure unadultered joy, BBU

-

"You can't be serious. Where the fuck will I put him?" Jake's voice hisses in the twilight near-darkness where he stands on the porch. "You've given me no warning, Martin, and you know damn well that every safehouse in the entire fucking country is on total security lockdown-"

"Because of what your fucking Romantic did!" Calvin Martin hisses right back, his finger right in Jake's face. Jake feels a sudden urge to bite it off, spit the digit into the bushes, punch him bloody.

"I think you mean my little brother." He fights to keep himself calm, his heartbeat pounding against his chest under the loose t-shirt he wears, something he had pulled out of the dirty pile this morning because in his exhaustion he couldn’t remember which pile was the clean one. 

“Sure, whatever you call him now. Because of your little brother’s dramatic show, we’re all in goddamn danger, Stanton, and I can’t keep anyone who’s a risk to my household and our safety!”

“Romantics aren’t just a danger-”

“I caught him giving money to street walkers, Stanton!”

Jake can’t help it - his eyes flick upwards to look at the young man still sitting in the passenger seat of Calvin Martin’s little nondescript four-door Toyota. He got a glimpse of short very dark or black hair, eyes pointed downward, a black turtleneck sweater, olive skin pale from lack of sun. “You what?”

“He’s been lying at therapy, lying to me, taking his spending money and heading down to the red light and buying himself fucking hookers. I’ve suspected him for weeks, caught him at it red-handed this time. You know damn well we can’t keep someone who is breaking the rules like that.”

“And you think I can?”

“I think you keep a whole house of them. Your other runaways can take the risk but mine are fragile and-”

“My house is fragile, too!” He’s struggling not to raise his voice, the anger boiling inside of him. All around Calvin Martin’s careful phrasing is what he’s not saying but badly wants to, the words Jake can hear even when they’re not spoken. The things they’ve called Kauri, and Chris, to Jake’s face and behind everyone’s backs, again and again.

Whore. Slut. Liar. Snitch. Stupid. 

“You do just fine for yourself, Stanton. Look, I need to keep my people safe, and if you don’t take him, I’m driving him downtown and he can figure his shit out with the prostitutes he’s been pretending are his fucking friends.”

“Have you tried giving him actual friends?”

“You know that they can’t be allowed too close to the others-”

“Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Fucking hell, Martin, no fucking wonder, you absolute piece of shit, how fucking stupid are you?!” He could punch a wall right about now, and it’s only the subtle memory of his father’s rage that holds him back. 

He is not his father.

But other than his father - and the memory of the way it felt when his knuckles connected with his dad’s face is one of the best he has - this is the person he has most wanted to hit in his entire life.

“Don’t you dare speak to me that way!” Martin snaps back, his own voice just below a full-on shout at this point. “I’ve been running a safehouse since you were still in high school-”

“I would’ve done a better job in high school than you do now!” He has to walk away, he has to, or he’s going to hurt someone. Jake steps abruptly back and away, stomping down the porch steps. After a hesitation, Martin trails after him, still all puffed-up in anger but smart enough to keep some distance between them. “Romantics are touch-starved to the extreme, they need contact with other people, they have to learn the safe way to get affection or they go fucking crazy with it, Martin! This is Safehouse 101 shit!”

“What you mean is they need to be able to assault the others in the house and get away with it!”

“No! I don't!” Jake stomps to the car, and he can see the poor Romantic runaway inside cringing away in a sudden terror of the rage on his face. He stops, takes a deep breath in and out. A movement catches the corner of his vision and he glances up to see his neighbor twitching the curtains close to avoid being seen watching.

Great. Fucking fantastic.

“You teach them how to be safe, Martin.” He calms his voice back down, speaking low without looking back. “You show them what safe is. You don’t let them assault anyone, you show them that there are ways to feel safe and loved that don’t involve sex. You show them that it’s not a transaction, that you will help them no matter who they are or what they’ve been forced to do. You show them that they are a human being, and worthy of all the same care as any other human being, and you don’t kick them out for a fucking conditioned response!”

“That’s the problem with you, Stanton, you coddle them and then they end up on national television turning all of us into targets!”

“We were already targets!” Jake groans. He’s been fielding complaints like this ever since Chris appeared on television, he and Kauri standing tall and strong and brave in front of a press corps, in front of the entire damn world. Jake had been terrified and proud of them both, had welcomed Kauri home with a huge so tight he’d felt the smaller man’s ribs creak, had sworn he couldn’t live with them so far away from him for so long ever again, had said all kinds of embarrassing things in the airport parking lot on the way back to the car.

To their credit, neither of them had laughed at him. And Kauri had cried a little, too.

“Sure, sure, we were watched, but nothing like it’s been since your brother put a big flashing sign over us telling WRU to wipe us out!”

“They haven’t done that!”

“They will soon enough!”

“You don’t know that!”

Calvin Martin takes a deep breath, putting a hand up over his face. “Jake. Stanton. I need you to listen to me. Real life isn’t the goddamn movies, okay? There’s no teenager who saves the fucking world-”

“What about that Greta kid-”

“Shut up. There’s no single teenager who saves the world, there’s no credits rolling before the consequences roll down. We’re going to be wiped out, and WRU will still be there, same as always. Bigger even, probably. In fifty years they’ll say it was great publicity. Your brother and your boyfriend-”

“I’ll ask you to call Kauri my fucking husband, Calvin-”

“Fine, fine. Your husband and your brother have ruined all of us. All of us. Do you get that? People like me, running all the other safehouses, we’re treading water until we get rounded up. I hope you’re still proud of them when every one of my household is back in that damn Facility having their brains wiped. I hope you’re fucking proud of them when your brain gets wiped, too.”

Jake swallows, because some of this mirrors his own fears and concerns. That it would put too big a target on them, that they’d become too difficult for WRU to ignore. They’ve been on some kind of PR blitz trying to fix it, with little to no luck. The revelations keep rolling out, new information.

That it turned out Karen Renford herself had knowingly taken a pet who had been kidnapped as a sixteen year old teenager walking home from soccer practice… that had been one hell of a hook for a lot of stories.

The guy who owned that big dating app had his Romantic removed from his custody, the guy in an adjustment house somewhere being prepared for a return to his family in Iran. One girl had even called in to a national television show to report her parents were about to give away the bonded pair that had more or less raised she and her siblings, and there had been a whole national news story about the dark side of the Platonic Companion. On the surface, it’s all good news.

But Jake has been seeing the vans more often, too. 

WRU won’t go down without a fight.

Maybe it had been a mistake to send Chris and Kauri off to do what they wanted. But maybe it hadn’t been, and now they were in the in-between, trying to figure out which way the pendulum would swing.

“Look. I am proud of them, and even if I end up in one of those Facilities, I’ll still be proud of what they did as long as a single one of my brain cells still remembers them. But even if you’re scared, Cal, don’t… don’t take it out on someone who just wants to feel safe, okay? He’s probably more scared than you could ever be.”

“Ha.” Calvin Martin rolls his eyes. “I doubt it, with what he gets up to.”

“Have someone torture you every time you say no and see how fast you learn to always, always say yes.” Jake opens the door to the car, looking down at the young man, who looks nervously up at him, his hands folded politely in his lap. “Come on, out you go.”

The young man swallows, throat visibly bobbing underneath the turtleneck, and nods, standing slowly up in the driveway, immediately hugging himself and looking down at the ground, toeing at a crack in the driveway.

“So you’ll take him?” Calvin Martin is already pulling a backpack out of the backseat of the car, and it’s just so sadly half-empty that Jake almost can’t bear to look at it. 

“Of course I am. It’ll all be okay, Martin. We were overdue for going public, and this way they couldn’t sweep it under the rug.” He looks down at the runaway, who doesn’t look up. “What’s your name?”

The runaway clears his throat, and speaks in a low voice. Jake can hear how he’s been trained to have a fluid, musical lilt to his speech. Went to someone who wanted him out in public now and then, he thinks. “Rafael, sir.”

“Just Jake, please. Did you pick the name, or is it one you were given? Usually we have our people pick new names, if they want to.”

“I like my name,” Rafael murmurs, glancing over at Martin. “I-... I didn’t want to change it.”

“That’s fine. We have two in my house right now who wanted to keep their names, that’s just fine.”

“It-... it is?” Rafael brightens a little at that, and Jake sees the same hint of a painfully naive need to trust that he’s seen in a dozen or more pairs of eyes by now in his career. People whose ability to discern who can be believed has been eroded so badly they don’t even remember how not to believe what they’re told.

“Not a problem. Not here. Give me the backpack, Martin.” Jake holds out his hand, but Cal just lets the whole thing drop onto the driveway, turning and walking around to the driver’s side of his car. Jake stands there with his hand out like an asshole, watching him turn the key in the ignition and back up, nearly running over Jake’s foot with his tire before he pulls away and drives down the street, clearly laying on the gas to go fast as he can.

Rafael and Jake just watch him go.

“I’m sorry you had to deal with him,” Jake says after a long pause. “That had to be pretty awful.”

“He’s not so bad,” Rafael answers, voice still quiet, leaning down to pick his backpack up and pull it on over his shoulders. He pulls something out of his pocket, a large plastic feather that looks vaguely familiar, rubbing at it with his thumbs, moving them back and forth over the carved vanes. “I broke… I broke the rules, so…”

“He fucked up first, let me reassure you. You shouldn’t ever have been put in a position where you had to sneak around to get basic needs met.” 

The runaway’s dark, thick eyebrows furrow in confusion and maybe hope, as he looks up at Jake. “Needs? Mr. Martin said-”

“Mr. Martin was wrong. I get it, man. I’ve been working with recovering Romantics for a long, long time. My husband was a Romantic, my little brother was, my whole house is for Romantics. That’s what we work with, because everybody’s different, but there are some commonalities. You’ll figure it out as we go, no pressure, but… do you mind sharing a room? I don’t have any empty bedrooms right now.”

“Sharing?” The hope grows. Jake’s chest aches at the sight. “I can have a-... a roommate? I’ve never slept alone before I ran away, and-... I don’t like it, not hearing anyone else at night, so... I don’t sleep so well.”

“Yeah, no problem. That’s really, really common, Rafael.”

“It… it is?” 

Jesus Christ, what was Calvin Martin telling this poor guy?

“Yeah, it is. Oh, hang on, my brother’s home from his partner’s, you can meet him.” Jake looks up, catches a flash of Chris’s new short lavender hair down the street, walking down the sidewalk with his earpods in, swaying side to side as he walks with his hands moving, fingers twisting and occasionally tapping on himself or in the air. He has on a t-shirt for the Lion King musical, black with a yellow lion drawn in what looks like rough stripes of paint, with his favorite black jeans, worn to charcoal gray and torn at the knees. His low voice is audible before he gets close enough to actually talk to or they can quite hear what he’s singing. 

Jake leans over to Rafael. “Five dollars says he’s listening to the fucking Evita soundtrack again. He’s been on a tear for Evita lately.”

Rafael blinks. “I’ve seen that,” He says, a little weakly. He rubs the feather in his hand a little harder. “I, should I go inside? Will he be upset at someone new…?”

“No, Chris likes meeting people. He’ll be excited we have someone new at the house, I promise, don’t worry about it.”

Rafael nods, but Jake can see the tension in his shoulders, how carefully he holds himself with a kind of purposeful elegance. It’s constructed, crafted. It looks like how Kauri used to stand, sometimes, before he finally became relaxed enough to slouch whenever he felt like it, which was… most of the time. 

Chris finally gets within full earshot, and Jake hears his voice, thin but not the worst singing in the world, rising high to the very top of his limited range. “-tears dry without you... life goes on but I’m gone, cause I die without you-”

“Oh, what do you know, it’s Rent. I guess I owe you five dollars, Rafael.”

“... I’ve seen that show, too.” Rafael’s voice is slightly distant, and he squints a little at Chris. “Um, what did you say his name was?”

“Chris, he’s Christopher Stanton-”

Chris looks up, giving Jake a cheery wave when he sees him standing there. Since the Olympics, since speaking out in public in front of everyone, since the news had filtered in about his aunt’s arrest, he’s moved with a kind of lightness that he’s never had before. 

Jake waves back, but Chris’s eyes move to Rafael, standing beside him, and he watches Chris’s arm drop. 

“Did-...” Rafael’s voice catches, and he holds that plastic feather to his chest, as if clutching it for protection. Jake realizes why it looks so familiar - Chris used to have one of those in that color, before he went to the natural history museum with Laken that one time-

Wait a second-

“Did he used to have blue hair?” Rafael asks in a thin, trembling voice. He slides off the backpack, but it’s more like he just sort of forgets to wear it, suddenly. It thumps to the ground.

Chris has broken into a run, the last of the sun glinting off his hair, turning purple nearly back to red again with the reflection of the darkening light. He tears the earbuds from his ears and jams them into his pocket. His smile is brilliant, he’s all eyes and lips in his narrow face.

Before Jake can answer, Chris has already closed the distance, and he smacks into Rafael so hard the two of them stumble backwards and Jake has to throw his hands out to keep Rafael from falling backwards onto the ground. “You did it you did it you you you, you, you, you, you did it, you did it did it did, did, you you you-”

Rafael is frozen, for half a second, with his hands pressed between the two of them, dark eyes wide. Then he wriggles his arms free just around to throw them around Chris’s waist, burying his face into the young man’s neck. 

“You told me somebody loved me,” He whispers, and Jake closes his eyes against his own tears. How many times had they had to tell Chris that, when he was new and scared and convinced he couldn’t be loved? How many times have they all had to hold Kauri through his own sobbing insistence that he was used up, ruined, destroyed, not worth the care they showed him?

“Somebody did,” Chris says, and he’s practically vibrating in the embrace, his hands moving in short bursts. “And, and, and, and somebody will, and, and, Rafael, Rafael-Rafael-Rafael-Rafael-... you kept my my my feather you kept you you-... you-... I, I, I-, I can’t, I can’t-”

He pulls away, spinning in a circle, hands flapping through the air as his excitement overwhelms his body, up near his face and then down around his waist and back again, humming loudly, tunelessly. Rafael watches, startled, stepping back a little as he’d press himself to Jake’s side for protection.

“He’s so fucking happy,” Jake explains, his voice catching, strained a little. He hasn’t seen Chris like this since he got into college. “This is how he is when he’s happy. He talked about you for weeks. I-... I didn’t realize you were the same person, or I would have said… God, I wish we’d known about you sooner.”

“You… you do?” Rafael turns to look up at him, then back at Chris. “You wish you had?”

“Been able to bring you here? Absolutely. Chris was so worried for you, when he stopped getting updates on where you were.” He thinks about it, and then clears his throat.

Chris pauses in his ecstatic stimming, looking up at Jake. 

“Keep smiling like that and your face will break,” Jake says, teasing, but he can’t help but return the smile. “Chris, Rafael is going to stay with us, he needs a permanent safehouse and he was just dropped off. I don’t have any empty rooms, and I’d like to keep respecting Eli’s request for his own space until he’s ready, so-”

“Can, can, can, can can can Rafael share my room?” Chris beats him to the punch, bouncing on his toes. “I, I, I can hang around more, um, Laken can come hang out here for a while, would, can we, can I-I-I, can can can-”

“Yeah,” Jake cuts in, grinning as Chris responds by spinning around one more time, then pulling Rafael to him for another crushing hug, rocking forward and back against him, hands moving up to cup either side of his face, arms around his neck.

Rafael’s eyes close, exhaling, and he nuzzles into Chris’s neck in a familiar gesture, making his way to Chris’s mouth to kiss him-

Chris freezes at first, and Jake nearly steps forward - but then Chris pulls back, putting his hand up to Rafael’s mouth. “No kissing,” He says, softly, and Jake’s knees nearly buckle at hearing his own tone in Chris’s voice, the gentle rebuke that doesn’t come with judgement that he’s used on every Romantic he’s ever worked with. 

That he’d had to use with Chris himself, once upon a time, over and over.

He could nearly fall at seeing Chris simply refuse something he doesn’t want, with such ease and comfort that nothing bad will happen if he does.

Rafael’s face falls. “I’m sorry, I don’t-... it’s not-... I’m so sorry-”

“It’s, it’s it’s it’s okay,” Chris says, and hugs Rafael again. “It, it, it takes a while to, to, um, to learn how to… not do it. I remember. It’s, it’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

Rafael nods, and hesitantly lets his arms move around Chris’s waist again. When he isn’t shoved away, he tightens the embrace, and ducks his head against Chris’s shoulder. His shoulders start to shake, and Jake realizes after a second passes that he’s crying.

“I hate being alone,” Rafael says, voice muffled against Chris’s shirt and thick with emotion. “I hate it so much.”

“Me, me, too,” Chris says, and one hand starts to rub Rafael’s back, up and down. Rafael goes nearly boneless against him, breath shuddering in relief at the simple, easy touch given without restrictions. “But you, you’re not, now. We’ve got you.”

Jake has to turn away, or he’ll get too emotional, too.

Behind him, he hears Chris whisper one more time. “We’ve, we’ve got you, Rafael. We’ve got you.”

“Who… who loved me? Who loved me before I was this?” 

Jake climbs the stairs and opens the door, and the two younger men trail him, almost reluctant to come in from the warm evening air. Jake’s eyes move over the neighborhood, and he catches a kid from the house across the street sitting out on their front lawn. The kid gives him a wave and a thumbs-up.

Jake swallows and closes the door behind Rafael and Chris.

Maybe the Olympics were a mistake.

But maybe… they weren’t.

“Here,” Chris is saying, taking Rafael’s hand to lead him up the stairs. Normally, Jake would do the house tour now, but instead he just watches them go. He sees, in his mind’s eye, a young nervous Chris with his carefully trimmed coppery hair over his eyes, a Chris with his fingers white-knuckling his shirt to keep himself from moving, a Chris who still had a collar on until they took it off of him…

And instead, here in his house, there is a Chris nearly ten years later with lavender hair and his ears covered in piercings, a new lip ring, the healed scar along his forehead, leading a nervous new rescue up the stairs to show him his new home.

“I don’t, I, I don’t know who loved you, before,” Chris says. “But we, we, we, we can love you, now, while, while you find out.” As they turn on the landing, he glances back down at Jake and smiles at him.

Jake returns it. He feels Kauri comes alongside him, and shifts, sliding an arm around Kauri’s shoulders as Kauri’s go around his waist. 

“Who’s that?” Kauri asks, in a low voice.

Jake turns and presses a kiss to his curls, still wet from the shower. “New resident. He’s going to stay with Chris.”

“Chris is okay with that?”

“His idea. Remember when he convinced that Romantic he saw at a museum to call for help getting out? That’s him.”

“It is?” Kauri smiles, head against Jake’s shoulder. “He must be thrilled.”

Jake thinks of Chris spinning in circles in the drive, hands flapping, the humming sound that seemed to come from somewhere deep inside him. He thinks of the way they had hugged each other, the relief in Rafael, the joy in Chris.

Open joy, shown in every single inch of his body, not a single sound or motion held back or hidden.

“You have no idea.”

-

@burtlederp @finder-of-rings @endless-whump @astrobly @thefancydoughnut @newandfiguringitout @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @boxboysandotherwhump @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whump-tr0pes @downriver914 @whumptywhumpdump @whumpiary @orchidscript @nonsensical-whump @outofangband @eatyourdamnpears @what-a-whump @grizzlie70 @mylifeisonthebookshelf

[diavolosthots]

This got really long so i put it under a cut and I'm totally going backward with this series but i cant help myself. I HAVE to start with my husband. Most of these are my own headcanons but please read the warning.

Warning: some of these are confirmed in lessons/devilgrams. If you dont want spoilers, don't read the ones in red. (Also Note: I remember reading all of these either in the game or on the official wiki page but I could not find all the in-game sources if you asked me to. Still, they are tagged as spoilers.)

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾DIAVOLO Life Headcanons☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

Diavolo’s dad, the Demon King (whom I Headcanon to be named Daemon. I could write headcanons on that guy too?? Lemme know what you guys want) loved Diavolo’s mom dearly and Diavolo was thus a product of pure love, not necessarily just to have an heir. That’s just a bonus. 

Sadly Diavolo’s mom died in childbirth, leaving only the Demon King and Barbatos to take care of him. 

This caused the King to begin resenting his son and Daemon grew cold. Barbatos was, more often than not, the one who took care of little Diavolo, although Diavolo tried desperately to win his dad’s affections, never truly understanding why his father would hate him. 

Diavolo was a rambunctious child and caused a lot of trouble, much to his father’s dismay, and he found himself in trouble a lot. 

On top of that, Diavolo is also highly emotional and it wasn’t until much later that he learned that tears won’t get him anywhere. Barbatos used to give him sweets and tea every time he cried, which was a lot thanks to his dad.

Although the butler did stop this at some point, that’s definitely where Diavolo’s love for tea came from

Barbatos is definitely, and has always been, someone he confided in, and he found it hard to view him as nothing but a ‘servant’, per his dad. It’s not even that his father hated Barbatos or thought of him as lesser than, he just didn’t like that Diavolo confided more in him than anyone else. 

Diavolo definitely had a rebellious phase as he grew up. The mixture of his absent-father’s non-existent love and the responsibilities put on his shoulders from a very young age got too much for him at some point and let’s just say…. Diavolo had a lot of ‘oopsies’ in his ‘teenage’ years. 

If you know, you know. They are no longer among the living. R.I.P. 

People used Diavolo a lot because of this, though. The lack of care and love at home caused a young Diavolo to be naive and trust too easily, getting hurt in the process

Which is why Barbatos now has a torture chamber for the enemies of Diavolo (or people who just want/use him for the wrong reasons)

When Diavolo didn’t try to escape the castle for some love, he found comfort in art and unbeknownst to both his father and anyone else working at the castle, Barbatos helped him build a mini art gallery up in one of the towers where Diavolo still goes for some relaxation or just to think. 

A lot of people backstabbed him as he grew up and even he himself backstabbed a lot of people as well. At some point he saw the hurt he caused and decided to never lie again, and now he’s always telling the truth, albeit he can beat around the bush a lot, and knows for certain when someone else is lying to him. 

At some point, his father forbade him to treat Barbatos as more than a trusted servant and that pretty much solidified his dislike, not hatred, for his father. 

As he grew up into the man he is now, he started to see his dad as more of an authoritarian ruler that works for his own political gain rather than the well being of everyone. The Devildom was never in shambles, or anything, but one could feel a clear hierarchy and there was definitely tension with the other two realms 

His father was actually the one is (somewhat, if not fully) started the war against heaven (not to be confused with the celestial war that the brothers were part of)

Now, he never hated his father, truly. To a certain extent, he actually understood why his father was the way he was. He lost his beloved wife for a son he had to grow a new relationship with. Diavolo never thought his father hated him, either, but one could tell that their relationship was filled with grief, heartache, and even a sense of regret. 

Diavolo never blamed his father, though, and as he grew older, he took certain aspects of his father’s character into his own: loyalty, ambition, and honesty. 

That’s why his father stepped down, but not fully since Diavolo hasn’t been crowned yet. The Demon King is tired; tired of pushing through the days, and Diavolo understands. 

The situation with his parents is also the reason why Diavolo refuses to settle down so easily. He’s scared of both A.) trusting the wrong people again, like he had many times before, and B.) of having the same fate as his father and mother. 

That and Barbatos is highly protective of him lol Good luck getting past the butler if you want to be with the future King. 

One of the main reasons Diavolo keeps up the naive and himbo attitude is also because he never got to be a kid. His father pushed him straight into royal life once he was old enough to comprehend things. 

This does not mean, though, that Diavolo is actually a himbo. He’s quite intelligent and there’s a reason for everything he does. 

Diavolo doesn’t believe in coincidences and is a firm believer in fate; that everything happens as it should and for a reason (A/N: homie is a determinist and that lowkey makes me happy lol)

That’s why he’s perfectly fine taking his time and doing his thing. He likes to have a certain sense of control, of course, but not to the extent that Lucifer does. He’s cool going with the flow as well. 

Speaking of Lucifer, the reason he views him as a best friend and even family is because Diavolo believes he can relate to the absence of a father that’s supposed to be there no matter what

That and because Lucifer is brutally honest. He doesn’t take Diavolo for granted and he certainly doesn’t want Diavolo around for the riches and fame. Diavolo appreciates that a lot. 

Diavolo gets along with pretty much everyone; he’s very adaptable because he has to be. However, that doesn’t necessarily make him an extrovert. As a matter of fact, he’s actually more of an introvert and likes to keep to himself or with a limited group of close friends

Speaking of friends, Diavolo doesn’t have a lot, if any, outside of the brothers and Barbatos. It’s hard to know who to trust when so many people just want to use him or rob him, even strip him of his title. 

Diavolo is very lonely, as a matter of fact, and he hopes, prays even, that he could find a bond with someone, anyone, like Lucifer shares with his brothers. In a sense, he may even be jealous of the seven. 

Although his life was less than peachy, even if he did have everything anyone could ever wish for, Diavolo craves true emotional connections, which is why he clings to Barbatos and Lucifer. 

This, however, doesn’t mean he is helpless. He’s very much an independent, intelligent, and ambitious man, and he is excited for the future, whatever it may hold. 

[johnemulaney]

John Mulaney: From Scratch in Las Vegas, September 4

Once again, spoilers for the show and what will presumably be in the special. This is about his relapse so tread with caution is that will be an issue for you. However, the tone of his struggle is the same one he used in his past specials so if you didn’t have any issues then, I think you’d be ok with this. Of course, use your own best judgement, friends.

The opener was Seaton Smith. 

He opened with trying to find the rich people in the crowd but acknowledged that they’d go mwrmwmwrw money isn’t everything so then he started talking about golf and went aha I got ya’ll. 

There was a joke about weed being the only Christian drug

He had a bit about when white people are nice, be nervous

He had a bit about there being a black man on the Bachelor and was like America (ABC and Disney+) were not ready for a black man to be fucking a house full of 50 white women. That shit premiered on Tuesday and the Capitol burned on Wednesday.

He also did some crowd work and roasted a couple in the front row for having different answers about kids and she was like I didn’t hear the question and was roasted about how not hearing questions you don’t want to answer is certainly a tactic, often used by drug dealers

He also had a bit about how different child rearing is in Texas versus New York and about how hitting your kids is treated differently, like his dad would have just threatened it whimsically. 

Now on to the Main Event!

The first thing he said was “hiiiiiiiiii” exactly in the tone you think he said it in. he followed that up with a little shrug looking adorable and a little bashful

“It’s him! Mr. Problems. Oh Las Vegas, Oh my god” he then talks about how Vegas is a land of vice and a Choice for him to preform in as a recovering addict. He had a sober buddy and 3 bodyguards with him at all times. 

“And here’s what happened” December 18, 2020, he gets invited to a friends apartment for dinner AND HE’S TWO HOURS LATE because he stopped, coked out of his mind, at SNL for a haircut because he still had his building access badge and he went to the hair department and they were like, he’ll leave faster if we just do this, and then he stopped at his drug dealers. 

He called venmo and cashapp, apps for drug deals and was like what do normal people even use them for. He maxed both out paying for drugs. 

He was the best looking person at his intervention. “Coke skinny, new cut” and the 12 people intervening looked like shit. He looked “tears for fears while they all looked jerry garcia” (I hope you know who those musicians are besties). 

He immediately yelled “Can I go to the bathroom” to you know, dump his drugs because when you walk into that, you know what it is. 

He was not allowed to go (he would be asked if he still needed to pee later and would say “what?”

There were 6 people in NYC and 6 people over zoom in LA because he guesses 6 people couldn’t be bothered to fly in for HIS INTERVENTION

Interventions can go two ways, it can be kind of accusatory and this is how you let us all down, or it can be supportive. Everyone but Nick Kroll got the memo to be supportive.

Nick Kroll went first.

Nick Kroll listed all the ways John was a bad best friend and brother over zoom and John was getting texts during the intervention saying Nick wasn’t supposed to do that and they were all sorry. 

Bill Hader went next. he originally wasn’t going to be able to make it so he had recorded a thing but since he was there, he did it live. (He would eventually send the video to John in rehab, which is not what you want on the way to rehab “awesome, more intervention”)

He tried to derail the intervention, “there’s not enough latinx representation” he said he’d go to any rehab except the one they had picked out for him. This was a star-studded affair and he was mad no one was being funny. 

 Natasha Lyons went next, telling him his life and career is in shambles

So he gets carted off to rehab after this intervention. Don’t let 12 comedians pack your bags for 2 months at rehab. it was bombas socks and iphone chargers. 

A little secret about rehab, you’re not allowed to bring drugs in. You remember how he was late? In his pocket on the way to rehab included: a huge amount of pills, 3g of coke (which was 2g by the time he got there, courtesy of a koala station in a gas station bathroom), and $2000 in cash. He had other plans for the weekend. He was admitted for xanax, coke, perocet, and adderall addiction. Say what you will, but he does not do anything half way.

It’s 4am when he’s sent to detox, he’s been awake for 3 days. 

He also gives a small lesson on how to get drugs. Find the lowest rated doctors on yelp and webmd reviews and go ask for them, they need all the business they can get. You become like Captain Phillips, I am the doctor now. 

Dr. Michael was his shady doctor. He was a first avenue apartment where he would write prescriptions from his kitchenette where his girl Minerva was always asleep. “I didn’t kill my wife Minerva.” But John would ask for his drugs, Dr. Michael would write the script and then ask what he needed it for. Dr. Michael would also make John take his shirt off, always offering a flu shot and going no, shirt all the way off (in case you were wondering how bad this addiction actually was)

The first moral is now you know. The second moral is get vaccinated.

He’s sent to the regular ward the next afternoon and they finally get him to sleep. 

He’s sketched out that doctors have last names at this establishment

He asks for drugs such as klonopin and is taken aback a bit when he doesn’t get them. The doctor is like PA state law says no, and so John suggests they go to a CVS in Jersey to get some. 

His bestie Pete Davidson starts calling that night. Except Pete changes his number every month and a half so John has him send a selfie and saves the new number under some other random name, at this point in time, Pete is saved as Al Pacino. (We get an Al Pacino impression) John is asleep and his nurse sees Al Pacino trying to call him 5 times and so she wakes him up. 

Pete Davidson and John Mulaney did not do drugs together. (The author is lowkey surprised and sad about that, like if Pete was my bestie, we’d make so many poor choices) But Pete was always very supportive of his sobriety. 

John needs recognition so badly, in group when they introduced themselves he said “I’m John M.” and no one cared. So he left a tabloid out with the news of his admittance and his face on it in the rec room on the table. The not being someone was “driving him bananas.” When they talked about what they do for a living and he said I’m a a stand up comedian, someone asked if he made a living that way. He said “yeah ask your daughter” (or your son)

One of the things you do at rehab is break up with your drug dealer.

One of his drug dealers only bought drugs to keep John from buying worse off the streets and only got into the game because John kept asking him for drugs and was his only buyer. That guy was originally a painter and John has no idea how they met. John is the only person to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer. 

Here he did the Baby J is back baby joke. the Park Theater is one of the biggest stages in the world so he did that joke in one pace across the stage and said the stage is that joke long. 

“I am no longer on drugs. It’s very good but also ah---” He’s in a 12 step anonymous group. 

“I need attention, clearly.” After a show you think he would be sated, but no. 

He wants that attention that the kid who’s grandparent died and showed up to school dressed for the funeral and got to sit in the beanbag chair for reading despite it not being his turn, gets. He went on about being willing to let one of the lesser important grandparents die so he could get attention, for quite a while. 

He feels left behind in science, like his C’s and D’s in those classes. All those classes were was putting things on a windowsill for the janitor to throw away. He had a bit about how the fuck people put dinosaurs back together, it’s like getting wayfair furniture without the instructions. 

He also things the moon belongs to America. Like we got there first and when other countries say stuff about the moon he’s like mmmmmmm.

He also had a joke about paying to get into college and like, for white people that’s always how it’s been. 

The show ended with him going over the highlights of that GQ interview that he was so coked out for that he forgot he did it entirely. He has no memory of it at all. He was just called up that day and asked for an interview and you know how coke is the best drug to receive attention on? He just did whatever he wanted with that attention. 

And that was the show.