#he finds ways to blame himself for things that arent his own fault

[kami-kun1003]

TWST fic writers stop reducing Silver’s entire personality to just “sleepy boy who falls asleep all the time and is sooooo sleepy and tired and did i mention he sleeps a lot and also he loves his dad” challenge (impossible) (gone wrong)

[blkkizzat]

Hi! I'm the anon who asked you a few weeks ago if it's valid for wanting to leave my bf of 3 years for only having sex like two times a year.

I asked him why he doesn't even try to give me pleasure in other ways. His answer was that there's always something: we're tired, we didn't sleep well, the weather is too hot, I'm on my period. I told him he should ask then, to which he said okay.

Last week I specifically told him I want to sleep with him on that day. Credit where credit is due, he tried, but he came too quickly and I don't think I came at all. I thought about asking him to continue with his fingers or something, but he literally called his aunt after he cleaned himself off in the bathroom. No cuddling or aftercare.

The need to leave him is getting bigger and bigger each day. We work at the same place, and I've come to realize that I'm always the one who lets people know we're a couple. He never tells it to anyone. There were already multiple misunderstandings about this, like one of our female colleagues wanted to hook up with him because she thought he's single. I adore the girl and don't blame her at all because she didn't know he's taken, but I'm 100% sure she wanted something from him and he just refuses to believe me. Moreover, he started greeting her with hugs and seeks out her company when there's free time. I say having friends is fine, but I feel like he's testing me on purpose.

Besides these things, I do feel like he adores me with the way he compliments me and looks at me every day. Whenever I need something, he doesn't hesitate to help. I can tell he loves me. I feel like I no longer have the beauty or the confidence to leave him and find hookups or new dates, and us working at the same place after breaking up would make me feel miserable every day.

Long story short, I have no idea what to do

Sorry this took me a minute! Sisss please i beg of you LEAVE THIS NO GOOD MAN!!

The problem is he wants to love you on his terms only and that's not love. He gives you affection when he wants to, not when you need it. He's treating you like a friend not a partner. You can love your friends, you just aren't in-love. He's comfortable.

And that's the thing, you are also comfortable. It's like the phrase "the devil you know", it's easier to deal with the shit we've been dealing with then potentially go out and deal with something worse. But you can't let that type of thinking control you or you won't ever be happy, because while sure there is worse out there, there is also better! ALOT BETTER!

Also fake it until you make it haha. You may not feel like you have the beauty or confidence but trust me, we are our own worst critic, we never see ourselves the way others do. We tend to focus our faults, on the things others would never notice about us and if they do it's not something they even blink at. You already have the beauty and the confidence. You never lost it. It's scary putting yourself out there again I know (I hate these dating apps too babes) but you deserve to be happy! You deserve someone who WANTS to please you. Like if they aren't enthusiastic, tripping over themselves about meeting your needs, kick them to the curb. I cannot stress that enough!

If it weren't for the other stuff I would understand him not wanting people in his business as far as telling others about your relationship at work. That said he needs to draw boundaries which it doesnt seem like hes doing at all. Friends is fine, but seeing as its a work friend if you arent on hugging terms with ol'girl neither should he be.

I know that might make things awkward at work but again. Fake it until you make it. People expect you to act awkward but if you don't, they won't. Even if he is acting weird, let him be the weirdo about it. That isn't your problem.

Also please please please, no more chances. He's had too many. Even if he says he will be better. Nah. He won't. He would just be saying that to keep you around and fall back into old ways.

You got this girl. You gotta look out for YOU.

sidenote if anyone else has words of encouragement for anon, please leave them in the comments!

xx

[expired-blueberries]

wrt that post- in it you brought up the point that OS Kevin 11k was the point he was farthest gone, and I LOVE that, but thinking about what he must've gone through to get to that point... oh, god. (this isn't like an entire point or anything lmfao i just had to bring it up bc it drives me insane)

anyway, knowing what we know/assume of kevins life, assuming that his "parents" are rooters... it honestly brings to mind the question of if he would even WANT to reconnect with his birth family... like, especially however long hes been gone from them (in my mind, him being gone from them for even longer would be good because it would erase any prior memories he has of them, like, say, if he was taken as a baby, then of course he would know hes had his powers since he was a baby but wouldnt know what his birth parents look like), that would be sure to make it hard to go back, for a multitude of reasons. they couldve moved, something couldve happened to him since he was gone... or, the one i think he would be MOST afraid of... they arent good people. sure, they arent rooters, but what if theyre bad people? what if by reconnecting with them he would just be jumping back into the fire? offering himself up as the proverbial golden goose? a sheep to the wolves? even if, say, he has GOOD memories of them, has only been apart from them for a few years, i almost venture to think he might be wary to reconnect just because his trust in, well... EVERYTHING would be completely shattered. of course, that could also be the REASON he would want to reconnect, since if he remembers them being good people then he would be desperate to surround himself with them, surround himself with whats REAL. but either way, i think the fear would be there. i think he would think he has to do it alone, while simultaneously needing someone to be there with him. (i think it would have to be ben - gwen is a great girl to bring home to your parents, but she isnt the most reassuring person in the world one on one. she would probably ring the doorbell before he even had a chance to collect his nerves).

as for kevins mom... while great that kevin could at least unlock her memories with ease and not have to worry about her believing him or having to convince her... for her, specifically, what a fuckin hellacious thing to deal with. like, she GRIEVED HER HUSBAND, she MARRIED A PIECE OF SHIT GUY (and ill ignore every wog statement saying that she got with him before devin died idgaf lol) AFTER HE DIED, her SON got RUN OUT OF HIS HOME BY HIM (and also maybe her, maybe,)... and it was all for what? so that her son could be tortured, used, abused, treated more like cattle than human. though it wasnt something, im sure, she could have prevented, being only human and without knowledge of those plans or access to any tech which could prevent it from happening, i feel like she would HAVE to blame herself. its not her fault, but what emotions would she even have left? 17 years of life down the gutter, and all she was was a forgettable rook on the board. even if she doesnt blame herself, just the fact that she would have to come to terms with her life being so severely and majorly fucked with... if she finds herself turning to a vice or twenty, though i would worry for her, i certainly couldnt blame her for it. and, too, if harvey were a rooter and she werent, learning that she MARRIED one of her sons tormentors.... woof. get the woman a drink.

(max's history with his partners is so insane to me in a good way. he has an AWFUL track record with partners. phil, victor, devin.... phil, it seems he either wasnt aware of being a piece of shit back when they originally worked together or it wasnt as bad and maybe max even worked with him in the bullshit a few times, because, frankly, max isnt an angel as we well know, and though i hate to say he would do something awful... well, he was more-or-less an absent father to his own children and seemingly wilfully stayed away from helping his dead partners son, so the shoe might fit. and while max might have grown as a person somewhat after the plumbers disbanded, the bar was pretty low. and then, you have victor, who... stole the nanochips. not the worst offense i guess (ignoring the catastrophe that couldve been unleashed on the world and even universe had the swarm grown more), but max did personally train him, so, uh..... and then devin, who didnt do anything wrong but also died in the line of action. seems like if you want to survive as a plumber, your best bet is to do things wrong - and, if i may be so bold, i would venture thats the truth. remember the boot camp uaf episode, where ben was awarded a medal and good grades for constantly ignoring the rules and his instructor? compare that to his partner/friend, tack, who nearly had his arm taken off by a bomb if ben hadnt saved him? if you want to be good and be a plumber, i guess you wont live long. this topic kind of went off on a splinter route for me lmfao but original point: max is fucking awful at keeping partners lmfao mr. commitment-phobic over here. i cant remember if it was said whether he trained driscoll or not, too, but damn... can you imagine lmfao)

back to the original point of the convo... well, at least one that we mentioned in the original point; i feel especially that argit's going back to the general street rat way he was, in color of monkey and also in the future when hes a corrupt politician... i dont know, it seems like they dont know how to write neutral-leaning-good characters. either theyre good or theyre bad. by the time argit was the president of the world (still a weird choice in my eyes but whatever), he should have fully been comfortable with being good and kind and all that stuff. he even knows kenny well enough for kenny to call him UNCLE ARGIT and give him a hug when they see each other!!! hes close to the tennysons!!! its just... weird choices. if ben doesnt like argit, which it seems he doesnt in the future, why does argit know his kid? what?

"We don't even know how much of Kevin over the course of UAF and OV is actually Kevin" - damn thats fucking chilling. who IS kevin when he isnt being manipulated and puppeted around? who IS kevin when hes free to be himself, all the good, all the bad, all the undeniably HIM that he wants to be? i dont think cannon or wog would ever say that kevin wasnt his authentic self (as much as he could be) during the series, because that would just leave too much unanswered and then they would have to spend time on him and not on ben, the main character of the ben show, but god... can you imagine? at the start of ov, he left bellwood. by the end of ov, i can see him leaving friedkin, just so he can really go and find himself. for a while, being around ANY tennyson might create some complicated feelings for him. but no! we dont see it! we dont see any lingering effects! kevin is still kevin, just kevin who is, i guess, free of brainwashing! dont think about how he still becomes 11k! dont think about how even after all of this, this STILL isnt the end of the bullshit for him! dont think about how kevin is, without a doubt, the most favoritest and specialest little punching bag wog has!! dont!!!

Annoying thing with the Rooters arc is that we never do find out what the fuck the Rooters had planned in the long run. Because the first-and-foremost matter is destroying Ben, yes, but Servantis may as well be holding up a big glowing neon sign saying "this is step three in a greater, larger plan". He grabs Kevin in the first episode of the arc and is talking about using him to make more amalgams, when discussing Kevin seemingly coming back into the fold he describes him as 'coming along nicely' like this is just a step in his training, when he sends the kids out after him in the flashback he refers to the Rooters 'subtle manipulations' and how Ben can't fuck them up, he's literally forming a group of hybrid child soldiers as if he couldn't just snipe the fucking 10-yo as he walks out of his elementary school, or fucking recruit him like the Plumbers already end up doing.

This is not shit you get from someone whose entire deal is 'this one child is too dangerous to live'! You don't see 'child has superweapon' and go 'well then I'll have to transform myself, my staff, and a host of children into hybrids through painful experiments and then train and damn near mindcontrol the children into going and killing the kid'. You don't talk about plans for making more, you don't talk like when the chips are down the big problem is the kid might get in your way, or like the kids you've sent out to kill him are still in training.

These fuckers had Intentions and Plots and they got completely dismantled before we could get an actual answer on what they were longterm.

[deviantartdramanow]

Mod note: zpnn requested for me to submit this anonymously for their own safety regarding privacy

————————

since he started harassing me again, i thought i’d come forward with the truth instead. lordimhotep/imsorryzpnnverysorry/diegothesabertooth, or as i’m gonna just say, the gaslight guy, did apologise a few months ago - but i smelt a rat. very literally. something seemed very sarcastic, so i originally told him i’d think about it because i didn’t trust him after how he treated me for the past 4 years.

and not even two months later… he’s proven me right yet again.

so, lemme tell you more about this gaslight guy (i forgot pronouns, not malicious misgendering - though do bear in mind, despite the fact i have always used they/them pronouns, he will go out of his way to misgender me with every new account). like, the real stuff. anyway, i cant remember when things started, or why, and at this point it doesn’t matter because he’ll lie about anything and everything to make him feel better. he’s some sort of pretend satanist/christian/catholic/atheist, whatever fits his narrative at the time. but also pretends they all gave him trauma or something like that. at this point, considering hes every religion (oneofgodsfollowers, various satanist accounts by his own admission, etc) and also no religion all at once, alt right (he had one rly dodgy acc at one point, ill have to consult the list), leftist, centrist (centrismistheway) and every politicial belief at once, holding all of these contradictory labels close to his chest - well, that must be awful exhausting!

thus, the gaslight guy. because that’s the one thing that is consistent with his entire identity, and it’s how he treats other people.

basically, he’ll do anything to avoid taking any accountability - in this case, blaming everyone else /but/ himself for being wary of him after he abuses them, and calls them a narcassist for the horrific crime of… blocking and reporting them for what they’re doing. in this case, harassment. and in this case, i have gotten multiple of his accounts banned /for/ ban and block evasion. i’ll do it again every time i find one. but the thing is, he will age an account, hide it for a bit whilst crying wolf, block a few people when they’re (healthily!) skeptical about a 1-2 month account making big claims about another human being without any proof, and then either get banned or deactivate in one big loop. don’t be surprised if it happens to this newest lot, because it will.

some tells, but i’m pretty sure he’ll change them ASAP once i point them out, since that’s what he does.

overuse of the -_- emoji indicative of typing style. nothing wrong with the emoji in itself, though, just he does this with a lot of other stuff. peppers this a lot in all of the texts he uploads about himself, his endless list of labels, his nightmares (which arent his brains fault you see, but everyone else’s for existing), his hallucinations/delusions and obsessions, etc.

loves to argue about religion. i think this is just his favourite thing to argue about. his stance and religion changes on the account, the weather, and his mood, sometimes maybe flipping a good 3 times before he deactivates that account - he’s not consistent. its clearly one person, but one person pretending to be a group of people who don’t know about the person they’re writing about. huh, meta. (if you’re confused: now you’re on the same page as i am, bud. ive had four years of this shit.)

hyperixations on kron (some dinosaur character), lordimhotep and satan. claims they talk to him and imagines his nightmares (which are pretty very real and valid, if we don’t count the

endless rants about religion. tries to be subtle about it. fails. wonders why he got found midst other things.

usernames sometime shave xXThisFormatXx, references some star wars evil guy (i dont know star wars dont shoot me, maul and darth and some other shit), etc. he’s once made multiple accounts to sockpuppet himself, which is always a little wild because they end up becoming the same person.

posts rants on rantrampage. clealry uses the users names, so its very easy to find by googling “your username” and “deviantart”. usually focuses on lapis-lazuri, which is how you’ll know it’s the gaslight guy again. he has a specific voice that he gets very pissy about, and gaslight guy will put him on troll websites to try and make an army attack him. it usually fails.

overshares about religious trauma, mannequins (which are pretty damn creepy tbh so i feel him on that one), horrible nightmares where he… blames people for being in his dreams, despite it being his brain. sort of the equivalent of being like ‘omg you cheated’ to your spouse when your spouse kisses someone else in the dream… so yes, quite literally 'in your dreams’ ig.

approaches drama blogs to spread false claims. see here - https://dramaticaldrama.tumblr.com/search/zpnn (I submitted proof to the admin, including his past accounts, and the slanderous post he made was deleted after they checked. This was after I’d already gotten 2 or 3 accounts of his banned for block evading me and harassing me. Memories hazy on exact number, but he usually deactivates before being found out.) - there was another one, but i forgot the tumblr and i really cbf to bring it up.

aligns with any troll that’s big at the time - triagonal in this case, but also that reddraws person. don’t be surprised if he makes everything about himself and makes a dream team with tali. he is literally not capable of logical thought or self awareness at this point.

slanders and lies about /everything/, ages a new account because he knows full well he is block and ban evading, gets banned or deactivates, rinse, repeats. uses the same emojis and hyperfixations. lordimhotep etc.

kron and lordimhotep, kerb of the bug brothers etc - he’ll occasionally post his drawings which have a similar style. not gonna hate on his art though, no point lol. but the point here is that this is sometimes shared between accs. not always.

his accounts will be around 1-4 months old once he starts using them. i think he lets them age. people still see through this when he pretends he’s been around for years though. convinced he already has one aging that i havent told you about. usually, this is when he starts with the obsessive slandering stuff.

i don’t know his direct involvement with lapis-lazuri before this all started, but i personally only met him after diego started harassing me abt 4 years ago. proooobably about 2-3 years in? i’d heard mention of the name, and this started to be a way i recognised gaslight guy when he made new stuff - all sorts of one-two month accounts making up shit as if they’re familiar with the same person? yeah, that’s definitely an alt. i was dubious about any claims this stalker made in particular because he slandered and lied about me at every turn, so why would i just take his claims as valid, when he didnt make any true ones about me?

i’m going to be the first one to admit it - if i’d done anything wrong i’d have apologised. im not that stubborn! if you’d blocked me i would’ve just left it there. (granted, with every alt account you made there’s every likelihood i might’ve not recognised you, and interacted with you anyway considering, again, as this was unprovoked there wasn’t a problem, but it wouldn’t have been deliberate block evasion). yeah, ive made mistakes - but i know i haven’t made any with you.

like how on a veeeery old account of mine i was really shitty to my friends in 2007! because i was 11 years old and such an edgy preteen… which, unfortunately, you don’t seem to have ever grown out of, gaslight guy!

the apology which he sent - and is probably still in my DMs somewhere, if he hasn’t deleted it, and may be on his dA still - literally has him admit, several times, that he lies. he knows he lies. he’s already proven that he lies on multiple occasions, and that he knows i didn’t do anything to warrant it.

so why do it anyway, gaslight guy?

this is what i’ll never understand. maybe im too optimistic. maybe im too autistic. (yes, i can legally make this joke, i was officially diagnosed twice. thanks nhs lmao)

this is why i was dubious about his “apology”. not to mention the name sounded sarcastic to me. and just… weird. impersonator-y. like… leave me alone, pls. when i first saw the name on the DM i thought it was going to be another sarcastic apology telling me to kill myself. joke’s on you, bud, i’ve already tried that prior to all of this (2016, prior to all of the harassment which started in 2017-2018ish provided i haven’t accidentally met gaslight guy sooner and just not realised) and it didn’t work. if i die its on my terms, not yours :D - and im proud to say i’ve never said anything like that to anyone, nor deliberately misgendered them. yes, that makes me better than you, now you can cry about me being a narcissist and self project again whilst you continue being the actual narc here.

like the time i got him banned for changing his avatar to 'zpnn kill yourself’. yeah, super cool kerbthebug! remind me to take a screenshot of all of the tickets i have if they still have those logged.. hmm, now i’m wondering if this guy’s maybe the one that made the rumors about me killing myself… the times do line up. that’s really fucked up, buddy, but this is your typical routine isn’t it lol.

i did hear something about a cult re: lapis-lazuri, but any credibility these claims might have had are currently being absolutely ruined by a . if those users are still out there - for the love of fuck cut your ties with him. he’s hurting your case and he /will/ harrass you. he’s harassed puppets like menslady in the past. you’ll just be the next people he targets the moment you don’t blindly agree with everything. trust me, i know - i’ve had enough people come to me in DMs (privately) and tell me about it after the fact.

if i had done anything wrong, i would have apologised by now. and i haven’t, since as far as im aware this is entirely unprovoked. some baby kiwifarmer, i think. he’s so inconsistent it makes me wonder if it’s one troll, multiple trolls, or what. i consider that he’s mentally ill too, just like me. maybe. but it still doesn’t excuse his behavior or how it makes me feel.

anyway, of the ones i’ve blocked, this blog actually seems to already have a list of some of them, albeit not exhaustive - thanks to whoever wrote it up, this actually helps me get it over faster before i grab a more extensive one -

https://deviantartdramanow.tumblr.com/day/2021/06/01

https://deviantartdramanow.tumblr.com/post/652844846542897152/22-ban-evaders-originality-is-starting-to

https://deviantartdramanow.tumblr.com/day/2021/05/31

https://deviantartdramanow.tumblr.com/post/652760049056399360/the-ban-and-block-evader-diegothesabertooth-is-now

I can confirm all of these are him. There are more, but I’ll send you a list of those I still have once i have access to deviantART again. and here’s the thing - even the one in my block list isnt exhaustive. i know hes in double digits, but with how long he’s been harassing lapis lazuri as well, now i’m starting to think he’s already in the triple. i’m sick and tired of being quiet about this because, clearly, he’s just going to keep making up shit and harassing me for the fun of it.

i’ll also start sending screenshots once i have access to my account again, deviantart archive links where appropriate, videos showing its not just edited in inspect element, etc.

because i’ve got one thing on him. the truth. and that’s all i need to prove him wrong. honestly, im gonna play ball on this - you want something proven about this guy or proven wrong about the people he harasses?

ask me. i admire a healthy amount of scepticism and i am willing to work with you to get past language barriers etc to show you what he’s like.

i will go out of my way to help you, since this guy is openly harassing me. mostly because he really doesn’t think things through and just pulls up the most transparent shit people immediately poke holes through. the amount of times he’s called people to harass me though is laughable, since when i show them the truth and clear up the misconceptions, they immediately ask him for proof, he goes absolutely batshit, blocks them and then harasses them too.

and then deactivates, because he knows he’s wrong, and makes a new account. (or the mods get in first and ban him for block and ban evading… you’d think he’d go elsewhere by now.)

ad nauseum. im pretty sure lapis-lazuri, who i would have never have met without this stalker harassing the both of us, is also just as sick of this.

i would’ve looked into the cult claims myself, but i am so tired of gaslight guy gaslighting and abusing me with shit he’s made up that i’m just not going to. the other people involved with that are welcome to PM me on here or the discord i linked and we can talk to each other, but im not talking to someone who’s done nothing but lie obsessively about me for 4 years. all i want is him to leave me tf alone. he’s clearly doing the same thing to lapis and latching onto /any/ claims - like he’s doing with me with triagonal - blindly. as he’s doing to me. and no, i don’t agree with lapis’s anti-vaxx shit. im sure we have a lot of things we disagree on. but im not going to believe someone who makes up shit on a daily basis (ala, diego/gaslight guy) to harass people he doesn’t like.

it stinks of backhanded, petty bullshit, and i’ve never been about that.

on the other hand, though i was at first dubious about triagonal being a pedophile, i looked it up on my own time and saw the proof myself. he did, indeed, attempt to groom a 14 year old on multiple occasions. he’s very mad that the proof got out. there are multiple archive links (which cannot be faked) and much more. and that makes me wonder how much he’s hidden.

whereas all triagonal and diego/gaslight guy do is make new accounts, make up lists, and offer no proof. at all.

you may need 100 accounts. i only need one.

checkmate.

and i dont know who the anon was who was watching out for me, but i’d like to extend them a thanks for looking out for me. i think you’ve been around longer than i realised based on these lists. im okay! i’m literally just without dA access in general at the moment. i enjoyed the break away from this BS, but at the moment my mental state is declining for obvious reasons.

ive never dealt well with people being passive aggressive, but i can’t stand liars for serious stuff like this. considering they’ve gotten me harassed by people for supposedly being “a huge transphobic terf” (im literally trans, fuck off! trans rights are human rights and there is literally no transphobic way to take that, wtf!?) in the case of CutePastelStars and another user DistortedFox (pls dont drag them into this - i don’t remember pronouns sorry and i also dont know if theyre on new accounts since) but both came forward to me to explain this eventually, that it was more stuff he made up. if i have those notes still i’ll also screenshot.

like… this shit is just frustrating and impedes my actual growth. when i actually do things wrong, i apologise for them and we move on stronger. if you’re going to make shit up, all you’re doing is making us both mad.

zpnn ( foxcrow (they/them)#0690 on discord - gaslight guy and triagonal, neither of you are welcome to add me after this repeated harassment, fuck off. )

PS. as a 'funny’ side note, i officially left maybe a year or two ago. the only reason i come back is to lurk on forums or because i have to deal with this bullshit again. you’d think gaslight guy would get a better hobby… and get the hint he’s not welcome on deviantART after repeatedly block and ban evading. but he never does, because he lacks accountability and self awareness.

and honestly thats just sad.

—

(feel free to sperate this below into a diff one, sorry for spamming your inbox, mods)

also, about triagonal; well, people here have already presented evidence about his bullshit, but i actually blocked him a while ago on discord for being hella racist. he was being very, very aggressive and denying white privilege (not even on the grounds of intersectionality, which i can almost see if i squint, but in general) and he resorted to transphobia and general aggressive ad hominem to the point i left the server we were originally discussing these things about. i know it was a dA related discord, but dont remember which one. i just remember the mods were useless about dealing wit it, they couldnt be arsed, so i just blocked him and left it.

he later block evaded, despite knowing my dA account, to post some useless spam on my page. i deleted it. that one’s probably on me for not immediately blocking him across every platform he was on. didn’t think he’d bother to try, considering he’d preached so much about being anti-harassment or whatever, but whatever. then the pedophile allegations came up, people presented proof, and then he went directly down the other stalker’s path.

they’re both very alike in their gaslighting and lying ways, so they’re a perfect match for each other. (though really, gaslight guy - siding with a proven pedophile? new low, man.) as long as they leave me alone and realise that they’re going to get banned soon for harassment and block evasion (again, in diego/gaslight guy’s case! thats over double digits now. good job, caggon junior!), then y'know. maybe i’ll finally get some peace.

also thanks for extra evidence on the block evasion triagonal. thats going straight to mods once im back on deviantart. enjoy your permaban! :D (i do believe i also got you banned from buzzly for harassing someone else, if they listened to my ticket… good job on blowing that, bud.)

all that aside, i really don’t have to explain why i blocked these two, but i thought i would anyway. feels nice to know i’m not alone on this one. if anyone’s got any tips on how best to report/word the future reports i’d appreciate it!

[bottomlwjrights]

MO DAO ZU SHI REREAD:Thoughts™️....and Stuff

Chapter 7

Jin Ling! Okay the first time i read this i really didnt like him but ive warmed up to him with time

“The vermilion mark implied the meaning of ‘opening the doors toward wisdom and aspiration; illuminating the world with the vermilion light.’” I did not remember this, but cool.

Jl sure does have a mouth for a 13 year old. Actually on second thought, no,thats just what 13 year olds are like.

Lmao little apple has a lot more personality than I remember

Why did Madam Jin have to die??? Really why tho, cause its never mentioned she just dies for no reason

Almfnnkdb “do you have any last words?” Kandjf akdncj

Jc and jl look a lot alike, according to wwx

*insert jc hate here*

Jc has an unhealthy amount of hate for wwx, i think he should talk to a therapist about that

Bichen is beautiful

Bichen is not able to be wielded by the average person soooo, hear me out...post canon wwx cultivating a good new core, and fighting beside lwj with suibian and bichen....like they use eachothers swords OR....double weilding their own swords plus their husband’s

“He had an aura of smooth moonlight.�� Wwx,sir, that is one romantic ass way to describe someone’s aura

“His skin was fair, features both refined and elegant, as if he was a piece of polished jade. The color of his eyes was especially light, like they were made of colored glass...His expression held the traces of frost and snow...”wwx, sir, that is one romantic ass way to describe someone’s physical appearance

“It was impossible to find any fault with his appearance.” WWX, SIR.....

“Although all of the clans in the cultivation world used extravagant words to describe ... Lan WangJi as an incomparable beauty who only appeared once in a blue moon, nothing could help the bitter facial expression that made him look as though his wife had passed away.” I....i um.... i cant 😢😢😢😢😢

Wwx pointing out both his “mourning clothes” and his bitter expression...i literally cannot handle this

Wwx you stupid motherfucker, you guys arent enemies

“Jiang Cheng was already exceptionally handsome, but as they [lwj and jc] stood face to face with each other, he still seemed a few degrees inferior.” Im just gonna leave this here, do with it what you will

JingYi, you are going to get yourself in trouble with that mouth be quiet pls

Wangxian using the silencing spell for....reasons

How tf you gonna say jin ling is turning 15...(edit:after someone graciously pointed it out to me, it actually makes sense for jl to be 14 going on 15....turns out I can’t do math)

Chapter 8

Jc and lwj have never fought eachother (with their swords,at least)

Jc thinks lwj could whoop his ass (hes not confident that he could win a fight against him)

“The voice[lwj’s]was deep and alluring. If one was too near, the tip of their heart would tremble.” Do i even need to say it? Also im [redacted]

Wwx feels really bad about the things he said to jl

I think its really unfair that everyone blames wwx for YanLi’s death, even himself, when she sacrificed herself to save his life

Wwx describes his new face as young, handsome, and graceful

....is Little Apple a normal donkey???

Wwx is so smart!!!! Ugh!!!

Chapter 9

Most people from GusuLan being at least a little bit germophobic is canon

I love this goddess

Wwx is very protective of the juniors even early on, especially lsz and jl

Wwx’s heart jumps at the thought of jl being the one who lost his soul

THE GODDESS FREAKING EATS SOMEONE I FORGOT ABOUT THIS WTFWTFWTF

Wwx: “im just gonna summon a little fierce corpse, any one would do” *the most vicious fierce corpse in all history (so far) shows up*

Wen Ning.... ily

[usertoxicyaoi]

First of all I completely disagree with everything you guys have been saying about Sarawat. Nobody is at fault but the issue here is Tine's insecurities. Pam's text was a hello so how could Sarawat have been lying and texting her? Also Tine was the one imaging scenarios in his head while browsing through Pam's ig, something he didn't need to do. Also Sarawat can't force Tine to talk, he asked him several times to tell him what's wrong and he refused to. Wat also stayed up all night which is /1

how he knew that Tine stayed up listening to music but like I said Tine didn't want to talk so what exactly do you guys expect him to do? Even the next day Tine STILL didn't want to talk and it was only till Sarawat abandoned band practice to take care of Tine and asked him again what was wrong which is when Tine told him how he felt about Pam. Wat explained the situation to Tine even pointing out he doesn't see Tine and Pam as similar to each other and his little joke at the end was just to /2

lighten the mood and make Tine feel better, which he did, not to dismiss his feelings. As for the song, it's probably the same as the video Tine thinking it's one thing and it being another. I don't understand how if Sarawat doesn't completely deal with Tine's insecurities, he's his boyfriend not his therapist, and Tine assumes stuff then that means Sarawat is an evil demon who has wronged Tine in the worst way. No one is wrong here people just need to talk. /3

hiii anon!!! wow okay. urm. so.

firstly, i’m sorry. i hold my hands up and i wanna apologise not just to you, but anybody else who i may have offended yesterday by saying how disappointed i was with sarawat in ep 12 and how he felt written really badly for me to the point where it irked me bc it felt like glimpses of novel! wat were peaking thru him in ep 12. but i’ve slept on it, and i’ve calmed down now. but yeah, i am still really sorry for what i said. 

and its fine that you disagree and its absolutely okay for you to do so. you saw wat in a very different way than i did. thus, my interpretation was a total 180 from yours. 

that being said, its ..... a sensitive issue. tine’s insecurities are a sensitive issue. yes, sarawat isn’t his therapist or counsellor. he is his boyfriend. and i feel like, if i were in that position, it would worry me if my s/o kept on hiding things from me, only for me to constantly find yet another ambiguous thing, and when i ask them for an explanation, they panic and freeze and just ... evade. especially if that happens not just once, but again and again. then, do you really blame tine for overthinking things? lets leave his insecurities out for a second, lets say he wasn’t insecure. even then, would you really blame him for being in the wrong if he overthought? 

now here’s where tine has been a bit more quicker to react, in that he eventually, within that same ep, plucks up the courage to ask wat directly. and within that same ep or directly onto the next one, things get resolved and wat explains himself. so they do communicate. 

but this time, its not just a simple issue. its not just a video, or a song. its a person. a first love. a past thats come to the present of which tine had very little idea on. handling that is a very different issue than to handling a video or a song being hidden from you. and what heightens it for him is that wat referred to her as his “first love”. not even a crush, but a “first love”. and pam says to him “she loves him back”. now obviously, we know that wat doesn’t love her. a ‘first’ love doesn’t mean the ‘only’ love. but couple that with tine’s already failed dating history, where his s/o has left him everytime, due to which he now feels he isn’t worth it, along with the fact that pam is quite literally a reflection of him in many ways, yet different from him too. what else is tine supposed to feel other than “second best yet again”. 

now, like you said. the issue here is tine’s insecurities. you’re right - it is! bc this whole show is from tine’s perspective, so of course, all the issues and faults relate back to him and his way of perceiving and reading things. he either reads too much into it or doesn’t at all. its what insecurities do - they mess up and warp your perception into 2 very radical and polar opposite ends, one thats too intense and deep and one that is hollow and vacant. 

now, i’m gonna say what i said yesterday. though this is sarawat’s first relationship, from what we know and can see, wat LOOKS and APPEARS to be the more secure one in the relationship from the two, partly bc he has had that year to stew over his feelings for tine, and this was when he didn’t even know if he’d see tine again. and now that he’s with tine, its more or less everything he’s ever wanted, given to him. but tine’s not had that time. all he’s had is failed relationship after failed relationship. but also, just bc sarawat has now, in tine, what he has always wanted, doesn’t mean its plain sailing. sarawat didn’t know tine came with such a huge amount of emotional baggage with him. 

and yes sarawat has tried. he tried again and again yesterday to reach out. and i commend him for it. but now is the real crucial time for sarawat to learn who tine is, and help him unload that emotional baggage - not do it for him, but help him. not as a therapist or counsellor, but as his significant other. 

and in doing that, he can’t make light of the situation. which, ya know, you found it as him tryna cheer tine up, but i didn’t. i found it rude and inappropriate. and thats okay. you have your view, i have mine. what also needed to happen here was, not sarawat saying that “he claims tine and that tine belongs to him”. no. go back to ep 11, where sarawat said to tine “i’d like to be with you for longer than 10 years”. something like that was what tine needed to hear then. something that mentioned stability and longevity, something he hasn’t had before ever in a relationship, not possessiveness. but of course, that’s just me being very nit picky so ... feel free to ignore that.

and the thing is, ya know what. in all of this. tine is gonna beat himself up more than anything and anyone else. he won’t even lash out that badly at sarawat, more so than he will beat his own self up for it. for being “dumb and silly and stupid and not enough and just a shadow and a failure”. he’s done it before, he will do it again. he won’t even feel the need to see sarawat as a demon. he loves him too much for that. and thats also another problem. 

he sees sarawat as this entirely perfect person. i dont wanna say that he puts him on a pedestal, but bc other people do, it doesn’t help in his perception of seeing sarawat as being this too good of a person thats somehow ended up falling in love and being with him. that’s tine lack of self esteem speaking. and thats something they’re both gonna have to talk about. 

these things arent just gonna go away. they’ll lie dormant, then flare up, then lie dormant again. what they can do though, like you mentioned, is talk. not as therapist-patient, but as 2 people, as equals, in a relationship. tine is gonna have to learn to open up and trust wat and change his perception and see that wat is human and that he isn’t perfect and that he is just as much of an equal part to this whole relationship, and wat’s gonna have to learn to not keep things secretive from tine and make tine see that he in fact is human and not perfect and just be more empathetic towards tine’s insecurities and low self esteem.

but thats easier said than done.

[thelaudown]

hyouka poly slowburn so its like: (post-anime)

satoshi and mayaka are dating all through highschool and houtarou and eru are maybe a little more invested than friends would normally be, and step in when they have problems to a degree that regular people would call a boundary issue.

houtarou and mayaka still give each other shit at every opportunity, but theyre much more outwardly friendly than before, and if she ever argues w satoshi houtarou is the first to say that theres no way its her fault. maybe one time it is and he confronts her abt it in a way that forces her to take him seriously. its the respect and codependency for me. 

mayaka and satoshi have functioning eyes and houtarous feelings for eru are completely obvious to them. unfortunately shes a little harder to read, so they never really get further than being very close friends and committing to being together for the foreseeable future, as far as this road will take them - its the same dynamic for the entire friend group, but satoshi starts seriously considering a proposal in third year. 

he and mayaka will be seperated through college - she wants to go to art school, he thinks he might like to be a teacher (specifically of like, textiles or language) and he thinks long distance is too much to ask of her. after a serious conversation she agrees and they take a break through college, but they are tentatively engaged, will be keeping in touch, and want to pick things back up once theyre both in the same location again. 

mayaka and eru flat in college, bringing up mayakas long buried feelings for her, and theyve always been so touchy, and she has a feeling that erus guilty about something? but she doesnt want to get her hopes up. she gets really frustrated and confides in the only person who knows both satoshi and mayaka and isnt involved - HOUTAROU, who attends a less prestigious college than eru but is taking similar business courses (he hasnt forgotten) and is commuting from home. 

hes closer to them than satoshi, but theres still a little distance and they dont meet as often as theyd like, partially bc he doesnt often make the effort - the energy he does have is expended on his classes, bc he has a motivation to do well - if he does, maybe eru will consider him without him even putting himself out there. anyway she still calls him on the phone all the time tho. 

he doesnt really have any advice when mayaka speaks to him, but hes quick to reassure her that satoshi wouldnt be bothered by her feelings - "because its eru". functioning adults refer to each other by their first names. it was a super embarassing transition period but theyre used to it now. 

so mayaka takes the leap and eru admits that while shes never really been one to dwell on romantic feelings, she reciprocates but is concerned abt satoshi - she loves him too, after all, and he and mayaka were/are/will be a great couple. she ends up confessing this to houtarou, filled w apologies and assurances that he neednt worry abt her personal matters, but he doesnt mind listening. anyway it stings (in a sad way, not a bitter one) that she apparently has interest in both mayaka and satoshi but not him, but he REALLY cant blame her. he tells her that he doesnt know how to advise her and she thanks him for listening, and then he does probably the most meddlesome thing hes ever done and calls satoshi and tells him everything. 

satoshi is really cool abt it, and hits him w "lol if theyre dating what if i just take you out to lunch. fairs fair. what do you mean you dont know about my massive crush on you, mr observer didnt pick it up? oh wow okay youre really stupid when it comes to yourself. ill pick you up on friday" and then satoshi calls mayaka and gives her his blessing and assures that he loves them both and wishes them the best and wow they REALLY need to catch up soon. hell bring houtarou and they can compare date notes! and he hangs up. 

satoshi is still kind of a petty guy and he probably only confessed to houtarou bc he was taken off guard, but hes not being inauthentic by any means. this is the new improved satoshi 2.0, who is becoming more comfortable w there being things he doesnt like abt himself and working on them and getting his feelings out constructively, rather than pushing them down and refusing to put himself in situations that might turn out badly. he gets his hopes up again, and is happier for it even when hes let down. 

eru is shocked to hear abt houtarou and satoshi. mayaka isnt. they talk abt it, interspersed w making out, and are shocked to realise that they like both of them - mayaka is ESPECIALLY taken off guard, both by her own feelings and erus, which shed never noticed before. she almost tells eru abt houtarous 3+ years of pining, but stops herself lest things get messy. shes starting to get an idea, but needs to tread lightly. besides, its not like houtarou wld ever like her. theyre barely even friends. it doesnt all add up as evenly as shed like. 

for houtarous part, hes genuinely in wtf mode irt satoshis feelings for him, and hes been in eru chitanda hell for so long that he never considered anything else, but now that he IS.... satoshi isnt so bad. he was always really cute w mayaka, when he wasnt being annoying for fun and profit. sure. okay. so they do some gay double dating through college, but the cross couple pining dont stop. satoshi is absolutely still obsessed w mayaka, but houtarou doesnt mind bc he cant take his eyes off eru whenever they meet up either. 

she still calls him on the phone all the time, and when schoolwork picks up he often finds himself calling her w thoughts or questions. they do some more thought exercises, but they dont need to argue as an excuse, and she barely has to badger him anymore. one day he looks at himself and sees a functioning adult who spends a moderate amount of energy on things that arent necessarily necessary, and wants to sigh, but. hes happy. 

college ends and they all find themselves back in kamiyama - satoshi is student teaching at their old middle school, eru is hard at work for her family, mayaka is working while she works on her manga debut, and houtarou is working while he figures out what he actually wants. 

its clear to all of them that mayaka and satoshi need to have a talk, so they do, and they come up with... poly. its unconventional, but they really are happy, and they really do love each other, and mayaka would love to start wearing her ring again (satoshi never took his off, and she pretended not to notice but she had the biggest lady boner over it). 

so now sometimes eru and houtarou are hanging out while their boyfriend and girlfriend are out on dates being engaged, making up for lost time and considering the practicality of marriage while they both have sidepieces, and houtarou and eru are pining BAD, but neither notices the other and he asks how her business is going and maybe kind of offers his assistance platonically. 

so now THATS happening, and satoshi and mayaka get to talking one day abt how those two should date, shld we do smth? and if they did then the only pieces missing are mayaka/houtarou and satoshi/eru which is a beautiful dream but wld never happen, what do you mean he/she wld love to date you, wait really, oh my god, what, are we doing this, 

and houtarou who has been working himself up to confessing for the past SEVEN YEARS, never gets to bc satoshi and mayaka interrupt while theyre at work and do it for him 

[zxcerjnvxrh]

analyzing anakins character is honestly the best trip 

like what was the spark that set anakin over the edge? at what point did all the shitty circumstances of his life take a step back and he becomes completely to blame for his awful decisions? having the character that is the catalyst of literal imperialism also be one of the most loved members of the cast by other characters is genius! we see why obi wan/padme/ahsoka loves anakin! its actually very easy to love anakin!! but hes still a little shit who betrayed them all --he was so desperate for love and he had it and he still fucked it up, and thats on him 

like i will fist fight george lucas but he really Did That when he created the perfect storm for a nightmare human who would ultimately fumble the fucking bag. but like, he was enslaved and then got separated from his mom at age 9 and then the man who wanted to teach him died and then he got paired with someone who didnt know what to do with him and then they never really talked about that death/trauma of slavery and separation and then he thought he could find that love and comfort in padme and THEN he felt like he couldnt trust his own dad figure or his jedi family and THEN HE GOT A KID OF HIS OWN and he still had all these fuCKING issues and then the kid got completely fucked and ripped away from him and you just have years and years of build up finally burst when he cant escape the gut wrenching fear of losing his wife the same way he lost his mother

and the only person who ever tells him that his emotions are ok is a space nazi

BUT AT THE SAME TIME anakins turn is really abrupt?? like even thought you see the slow build up tros feels like a fucking slap to the space esp with the addition of season 7 because we keep seeing anakin be anakin, be loved by everyone around, be protective and caring and kind and vulnerable, and all these people love him so much theyre willing to turn a blind eye that he could ever do anything wrong AND THEN HE FUCKS IT ALL UP. anakin was surrounded by love and somehow couldnt see it? and thats where it becomes his choice: some things really arent his fault but choosing literal death and destruction over everyone he loves is alllll on him. like thats his weight to bear. vader lives a miserable existence bc he somehow never connected the dots that choosing pain and death would lead to loneliness and misery. 

i hate anakin. i love anakin. ultimately vader really just becomes that little slave boy he swore he’d never be again and its fucked up that he was both groomed for that role but also chose that life for himself. im so sad. he just wanted to hug his fucking padawan and hang out with his wife and sort of dad but instead he fucked up and got his dick stuck in the sith hate machine

[markley]

amortentia — wjh

summary — where complicated feelings are so easily revealed with a simple potion

genre — hogwarts au, fantasy, fluff, comedy

warnings — n/a

word count — 2.5k

a/n — my first harry potter au! if u arent a slytherin im sorry :(

“hello class,” your potions proffesor says, looking out to the rest of the tired morning class. “for the next few days we are learning about amortentia. can anyone tell me what it is?”

many hands raise, not including your own. you knew, but didnt really care enough to answer the question, opting to read the section on the strong love potion in the textbook in front of you. suddenly, something hits the back of your head, and you turn to face wen junhui, or jun, balling up another piece of small parchment in his hands.

if there is one word to describe jun, it’s infuriating. normally, students from the same house tend to get along, but that definitely did not occur between you and jun, both headstrong slytherins with a need to be right— not traits for a good friendship.

it started when junhui questioned whether you were talented or not, as you were always so quiet and never showed any particular skill in wizadry. he challenged you to a duel, and lost. ever since then he has made it his duty to bother and annoy you until school ends, while you make sure to never give him the last laugh.

honestly, the bickering has just become a game of cat and mouse, and although its tiring, you wont lose. besides, what’s the fun in that?

“uh,” you start awkwardly, fully aware of jun’s silent laugh behind you. “a strong love potion that causes obsession rather than actual love? i believe it also varies in smell.”

“uh,” you start awkwardly, fully aware of jun’s silent laugh behind you. “a strong love potion that causes obsession rather than actual love? i believe it also varies in smell.”

“uh,” you start awkwardly, fully aware of jun’s silent laugh behind you. “a strong love potion that causes obsession rather than actual love? i believe it also varies in smell.”

mr. min looks satisfied, shaking through his dark hair with a hand. “correct, but don’t think i won’t notice you not paying attention ms. kwon.” he continues on explaining the properties of the tonic. you turn around slightly to glare at a smirking junhui, clearly proud. you shake your head, already thinking of ways to get him back.

the rest of the class period consisted of you taking notes on both the actual subject and mental notes on ways to make jun’s life absolutely miserable. the bell finally rings, signaling the end of class, and you jump up before jun is able to talk to you like he always insists.

you hear his annoying—albeit nice—voice from behind you, a teasing pout. with a roll of your eyes, you walk away to find your brother, soonyoung, knowing he’s somewhere in the hallways near you. although he is a hufflepuff, and an annoying as hell brother, you found him much easier to get along with than those of your own house— example? jun. obviously. 

soonyoung giggles as you approach him, a teasing smile playing along his lips. “aw, look at that. mr. slytherin is sad you’re avoiding him.” he says. you punch the redhead’s arm, not even needing to look back to know he’s right. jun always pouts. soonyoung insists he really likes you, but you know better—if the constant teasing and pranking is anything to go by. besides, you hated the boy anyway, even though soonyoung disagrees with that as well.

mr. min yells out a small “remember to be prepared tomorrow” throughout the dungeon hall. you turn to the professor, allowing junhui to finally catch up to you, putting an arm around your shoulder, with soonyoung long gone. “hey babe,” jun says, grinning, “good job on that thing today. fucking hilarious.” rolling your eyes, you shrug his arm off.

“fuck--”

“me?”

“off!” you correct, groaning internally at his constant teasing. he just smiles that same crooked grin before walking away with a mumble you didn't quite catch but sounded something like ‘you would.’ oh, how you hate him. or at least that’s what you tell yourself. 

whether you hated the guy or not, he was undeniably gorgeous and sometimes— only sometimes— kind of funny. but you still hated him. never have you been so easily annoyed with a human being before. 

with a small shake of your head, you walk back to your dorm to think of a way to embarrass junhui after potions today. you get there quickly as its right by potions class, but even by this time you had an idea, and not a pretty one. 

if there was one thing junhui prided himself on, it was his skillset. whether that was charms or potions, he was cocky about succeeding in it all. using this, you think of a great way to embarrass him the way you were embarrassed earlier— making a fool out of himself under mr min’s eye. oh how very fun this will be. 

on the other side of school, jun was bribing soonyoung for information on you, already knowing you were attempting to get back at him. you were known for needing the last word, after all. soonyoung being the kind hufflepuff brother he is, at least tried to avoid jun, but eventually gave up at jun’s offer of endless sweets. can you blame him? well yes, and you do the next day before potions when he lets it slip that he told junhui the name of your old crush— not that junhui knows its old. 

how you and soonyoung are siblings? you will never know.

the only thing giving you solace from punching soonyoung in the face is knowing the prank you are about to pull on junhui. the prank in question is completely fucking up his potion, a prank soonyoung called “absolute evil.”

in class, you were to make your own batch of amortentia, a difficult feat on its own, although quite easy for you and jun. the best part is to soon come, when you throw in something most definitely not in the potion. specifically something to make it explode.

maybe soonyoung was right. mr. min was not an easy teacher to impress but was definitely an easy teacher to disappoint—and jun hates disappointing professors.

you were evil. guess thats why you fit perfectly in slytherin—or atleast according to the rest of the school.

when class starts, mr. min is already talking about failure. “don’t worry,” he says, “i already know most of you will fail.” with that last piece of what was probably meant to be encouragement, everyone begins to work on the difficult potion.

soon after everyone barely makes it to the middle of the workload, you have already finished, and jun is right behind you. he moved away from his cauldron to fetch the last ingredient, and you take it as your time to throw in a little bit of porcupine quills quickly, an easy way to make his potion turn into something not made for love.

with a small smile at no one noticing, you return to your own finished product, mr. min looking at it in satisfaction. suddenly, a small pop is heard from behind you where jun is standing in front of a bright green potion— well, more like covered in it.

you burst into silent giggles at his predicament, mr. min having an opposite reaction, instead glaring at the failure. junhui himself glares too, but instead at you, with eyes full of hatred. you can’t help the feeling of pride spreading across your chest, which then drops at mr. mins snarl.

“who did it?” he asks, looking around and then stopping at you. you throw your hands up in the air with an exclamation of ‘it wasn’t me!’. the professor doesn’t seem convinced, raising an eyebrow. he then plucks a porcupine quill off your robes, and you give up. “that’s what i thought.”

you look over to jun, standing still in the green mess, but with an obvious smirk on his face. you mentally face palm at yourself for failing at making jun an embarrassment. fuck the little shithead...

“the both of you,” mr. min speaks, pointing to a downtrodden and no longer smiling junhui, “are to clean this mess up, as well as the entire class. oh, and the storage while you are at it. don’t break anything.” and with a small groan of protest from jun, the class is dismissed. mr. min struts out of the dungeon classroom, but not before flicking his wand towards jun’s robes, now spotless.

with a slam of the dungeon door, you and junhui are left alone. “this is your fault,” junhui snarls, pointing a perfectly manicured finger in your direction. “why do i always get looped in with you?!”

“because you started it. and you always retaliate.” you say with ever growing frustration. jun groans in irritation, looking as if ready to stab you at any given moment.

“how the hell are you and soonyoung siblings?” he asks, shaking his head while walking to the corner to begin cleaning.

“i ask myself that question everyday.”

after that small conversation, the two of you start cleaning up the green mess and then the rest of the dungeon classroom. it took a good hour or two, and you still hadnt even organized the messy storage yet. the entire time while cleaning you and junhui hadnt talked to each other, only sparing a few hate-filled glances and eye rolls.

the storage closet was a mess of premade potions and ingredients. it was so chaotic you feel the need to ask mr. min the last time he even thought about organizing it. shelves upon shelves held bottles of colors: red to black to clear. almost every potion in existence was held in this small closet.

you can’t help but find your fingertips brushing across the bottles of pretty tonics. jun follows you into the small space to clean after seeing you ogling instead of doing your job. “get to cleaning.” he says, already starting his organization process of what seems to be putting the potions in rainbow order.

rolling your eyes, you begin to help, grabbing the bottles of liquid. a small bright pink vial grabs your attention as you brush through the bottled ingredients. you pick it up, swishing the thick potion within the glass. with a cock of your head, you open it to be met with a strong fume of what seems to smell like... junhui? the boy in question is still diligently cleaning the small closet behind you, unknowingly to you, staring at you from his peripheral vison.

you take another sniff, hoping to be wrong—but no. that smell is distinctly jun; musky yet sweet. a hand grabs the bottle from you, peering at the label. “what does it smell like?” jun asks, raising an eyebrow at your extremely confused expression. “it’s amortentia, dumbass.”

at this, you grab the potion back, not believing him. there is no way in hell amortentia would smell like jun. however, the infuriating guy was right. the bottle was in fact labeled amortentia. your breathing hitches, and you can’t seem to come up with any words— or even look up at the boy in front of you.

jun seems to get more confused every second you dont answer him. “um, y/n? you alive there?” you finally look up, coughing awkwardly and handing him the vial back.

“yeah, im fine dork.”

“ouch. dork? im a nerd at best.”

“shut up, you nerd.” he smiles at your unconscious correction, turning back to the amortentia bottle unaware to the racing thoughts and heart you are currently dealing with internally. why, why would amortentia smell like the one person you hate the most behind soonyoung?!

“i bet it smells like minghao.” at this blunt statement you snap your head to a smirking jun. “i mean, you do like him right?” you remember soonyoung saying how jun bribed him with chocolate for this information and you write a mental note to kill your brother later.

“liked,” you mumble, walking as far away from the grinning asshole in front of you. the last thing you need is junhui teasing you about a crush while the strongest love potion ever smells like him. “as in no longer. over. done with. blah blah blah.”

“anyway, are you almost done with the rest of the potions?” you quickly change the subject of your old crush and the potion that reeks of your number one enemy. the questions in your head still wont end and you want to leave as soon as possible.

“wait wait wait,” jun says, very insistent. “if you dont like minghao anymore, who does it smell like?”

“why the fuck do you care, junhui?”

“i dont,” he says, twidling his thumbs awkwardly, but still staring you down with his dark eyes. “im just... curious.” that isnt entirely true and you can hear it in his hesitant voice.

you groan and glare at the brunet boy. you take the bottle, and pretend to smell it again, but already know your answer. it smells like the forest you found him in one night after curfew, that you just happened to be sneaking out to as well—that was the first time you two ever got along, agreeing to not turn each other in. the potion also smells of the fruity shampoo jun uses, and the mint gum he always chews. you hate to admit it, but the potion smells exactly like how you envision jun. and whatever that may mean, its true.

“the forbidden forest at midnight, mint gum and lemon-y shampoo.” you finally answer after a lot of internal debate of whether to be honest or not. pushing the bottle back to him, you begin to leave the small closet like space. jun reaches out an arm quickly, grabbing on to your wrist.

“that,” he starts, recognizing the scents as his own. “smells like-“

“i know,” you whisper, pulling your arm away. not ready to take his reaction, you start to run away and jun’s next words are the only thing that stop you.

“do you want to know what it smells like to me?” junhui says hopefully, but entirely expecting you to walk away. “hair dye and strawberries.” stopping, you turn back to jun. he had moved closer, now nose to nose with you. your breath hitches, and you almost think you arent breathing. “just like the purple hair dye you put in my shampoo and the strawberries i always see you eat every. single. meal.”

you look up to meet his piercing eyes that bore into yours with such intensity it takes your breath away. you look away for him to softly grab your chin. “look at me, please.” his voice is the softest you’ve ever heard it, just a whisper.

“what does that mean, jun?”

“it means look at me.” you glare up at him, him chuckling in return. he places his forehead against yours, and the exact mint gum scent that you smelled in the love tonic hits your nose. “it means i like you, dork.” jun’s lips move closer to yours every word he speaks until they are just barely touching

“im a nerd at best.” you mumble before pushing your mouth against what you believed to be your enemy’s. mental note: kill soonyoung later, for being right

maybe there really is a thin line between love and hate.

[l0velyfairies]

-Stray kids as Yanderes

This Post Contains Triggering topics!!

Woojin

Projection type

the projection type is usually formed from failed relationships in which the partner of yandere either died, cheated on him, or left for another partner. Also this type of yandere can be very dangerous if you let them take over yoz in the relationship. He will call you by the name of his ex-partner maybe, dress you in old clothes that he kept of them or the exact same outfits he remembered as well as try to re-live old memories. Either he misses his old partner, and will psychologically burden you by giving you another identity, or hate you for something you’ve never done,but the other that and will punish you mentally as well as physically in the name of his ex-partner.

Chan

Lucid Stalker type

the stalker type is well known, but that's usually just the beginning. He knows everything about you. Normal information like your name, birthday and live bored up to bizzare things normally no stranger should know. He knows where you have moles, the color of your bed sheets, the contents of your closet, your blood group, your passwords. You probably never notice that he is pursuing you, the only thing might be the intense, rigid moments when his eyes burn into your back. or that you sometimes find him in places where you are, over and over again. He has pictures of you, used handkerchiefs, old empty ink cartridges. everything you thought was unimportant was important to chan. chan always knew that what he does is not healthy, which is why he is also lucid. but he loves you so much, he can not stop himself.

Minho

Training type

The training type is especially physically dangerous for the yandere's partner. He will train,even break you, to love him. he believes deeply in his inner that you love him,but just aren’t willing to voice it out so he has to force you to show it to him. Sometimes using torture, a punishment/reward system, brainwashing, etc. This probably involves you getting kidnapped and forced into it, although there might be more subtle ways to accomplish this he wont use them. he will make you suffer, try to make you his personal doll which will love and obey him just like he wants you to. it will be a long painfull torture mentally,and physically.

Changbin

Double Suicide Type

the Double Suicide Type is unfortunately very well known, especially in music or romance.Double suicide, lovers' suicide, too, is a thing. One of the most famous pieces ever, Romeo & Juliet sort of ended up in a double suicide.The thought that you and he can be together forever is just too tempting. first he kills you to make sure you're really dead and then hisself. So he makes sure that you can not cheat him, and not leave him. This behavior is often guided by uncertainty and lack of trust. You should be very careful what you say and how you behave in the presence of him, he is not afraid to threaten with the death. He would even perform it in a case where he feels deeply hurt. However, whether you are doing well or not, dying for him is a romantic gesture. Do not let yourself get too close to him,yet not to little as well.

Hyunjin

Monopoly type

The most common Yandere type. The monopoly type. Hyunjin wants to know everything, every step you take will be controlled by him. if your phone rangs or the dorbell rings, he will be on full alarm,shooting you a suspicious gaze. He will let you meet friends and family at the beginning, yet in an extreme case, or if he feels like you used the freedom he gave you then he will for sure not let you be with anyone.This type of behavior is unfortunately common in real life. It displays insecurities and lack of trust in the relationship which might develop into much worse yandere behavior as in extreme violence.

Felix

Loneliness introduction type

As the name says the loneliness introduction type will make sure that you soon will be all on your own. He will spread rumors about you, make other alienate you or kill family and friends. Either you will be left alone by choice of others, or because he had removes everyone forcefully from your live as in killing them, inducing things that don't make you feel lonely but give some sort of mental damage, trauma, also count as this type.

 he will take the given opportunity to get closer to you,his gentle smile will be charming, inviting. He will make you believe you will need no one else but him, that there is no one else that cares as much about you as he himself. He makes it his mission to make you completely dependent of him.This type is similar to the "dependence" type, except it's not the yandere that's to become dependent on you, it's you that's to become dependent on the yandere.

Jisung

Delusional type

One of the most Hated and Harmful Yandere types, Even the most possessive Yandere will feel bad after seeing what the Delusional Yandere type has done to their darling,and that along with their argumentation. He would have smashed your legs, leaving them broken with its broken bone pieces looking out of your leg,and if he would have get asked why he would have done such, then it was for your best after his view.

When his insane love is unrequited and you start literally running away from him, the delusional yandere type will see it as a kind of play, as if you were playing a game of who will get catched first,and not because you don’t want them. His love distorts the reality he perceives. He sees a bunch of delusions instead. Jisung, the delusional, will even be in denying if something bad happened, they twist it up and replace it with a different happy memory they made up. He´ll remember events differently,thinking you were confessing your love to him when it is completely different.He lives in his own bizzare world which will turnout badly for you.

Seungmin

Self-harm type

the self harm type is usually split into two categories.

First, the one where he harms herself in secret and has you notice his injuries, then says "it's nothing to worry about" hoping you worry about it more. This is usually something light like a knee bruise, etc.

or

Second, the one where he harms himself in your face as a way to say "I'll kill myself if you leave me," forcing you to stay by his side by guilt.

Seungmin leans more towords the first one. you will start to notice little bruises and cuts all over his skin once you two are together. he will brush it off,yet come back with more bruises the more attention you give him. if that isnt the case tho,he will snap. Seungmin is loving and gentle, he would never lay a hand on you, but he would on himself,and blame you for it. If he wouldnt get the attention he wanted, if you denied a single kiss or pull away to soon he will threaten you to hurt himself,ask you if you are enjoying his suffering. he would make you feel bad so you would finally give in. if that once again isnt the case, be prepared that you will get forced to hurt him. Since the self harm types Arent the typical yanderes that kidnap you or assault you in anyway that will of course be extremly hard since all the boy seems to want from you is love,and he does the same for you,just give you love.

Jeongin

Harmless / Disapereance type

The most harmless type of yandere, the one where he's fallen in love in an unhealthy, obsessive way, but he doesn't do anything insane about it. he'll try hard to become your boy, but won't harm anybody in the way. If you get a girl/boyfriend, he won't attack you two, he'll be happy you found happiness, and maybe still have hope that you choose him in the end.Well that doesn’t completely count, for jeongin tho. because thats when the disappereance type mixes in. After some time, he will start to search the fault by himself. he secretly can’t stand the fact anymore that you Arent with him. he feels worthless and alone, as if his existence is nothing, as if he will only bring misfortune and you deserve way better than him. thats when he isnt that harmless anymore. eventually you will notice his droopy eyes, the wet stained puffy cheeks. and if not, than you will as soon as the news that he killed himself will go around. Jeongin would rather kill himself than to live with the fact that he will never be with you.

[samwinchesterisourhero]

Sam WInchester: The Reluctant Hero

When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros  Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid.  Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer.  Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder.  This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most. 

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world.  Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice.  Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began.  How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer.  Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again.  Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up.  The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either.  It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out.  The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways.  Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her.  Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years,  and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures.  Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on… Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive.  So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes.  There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason…. but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero. By @missjackil

[thebrochtuarachs]

When Love Dies

AU. One-shot. Major Character Death. In which Claire and Bree doesn't deserve Jamie for the way they (over) reacted in 4x10 and 4x11.

Nobody ain’t going to be happy about this but here goes. ✌🏻 (AO3)

Brianna was woken up once again by a shuffling noise around her room. When she woke up, she saw Roger’s hulking figure looming over her once again. She hesitated to move, fearing it might be another nightmare but she felt a natural pull in seeing his face and it gave her a little courage to come close.

“Roger” she called up as she rose from the bed but didn’t attempt to run to him.

“Bree” he called back. He must’ve sensed her hesitation, so he took the first step towards her. He took a seat at the feet of her bed and the dip of his weight made Brianna tear up.

“Are you real? Roger, are you here?”

Slowly, he reached out for her hand until he held it in his. “Aye, I am”

They came together in a crushing hug and Brianna let all her tears fall. After a while, they pulled away and Roger’s hand moved instinctly to her huge stomach. Her voice hitched and she started to ramble “I...I’m sorry. I don’t know how much my mother told you. I…I’m keeping this and I don’t know if you…”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” Roger interrupted. “I dinna care, Brianna. I dinna care. I am yours and ye are mine and this little one – no matter what – is ours. I make ye a vow, this is a child of my blood and I will do everything I can to make sure yer safe and ye’ll both be fine.”

Brianna came close again for a hug and continued to sob happy tears.

Here.

Safe.

Fine.

Just as her Da promised.

“He gave you back to me” Bree whispered to Roger. “He made good on his word”

Even without context, Roger knew what she was talking about. “Aye, he did”

Bree pulled away from his hug, smiling. Roger looked at her and saw the light in her eyes that he knew he’d take away so soon. “Where is he? Where are they?” She was starting to get up, pull over a scarf and made a dash for the door when Roger quickly pulled her back.

“Bree” Roger called out and she already knew something was wrong. “Something happened when they pulled me out from the Cherokee. Please, sit down.” She did as told and held on to her belly.

“A lot transpired in between but in the end, Ian offered himself for my release, the Cherokee accepted the exchange and everything was settled. However, a small group wasna pleased….” He shrugged and hesitated, unable, really, to tell her how. “We didna see it coming”

“What are you saying?” Bree was so confused

“Jamie. He isn’t here. He’s…gone”

No.

Pain was, suddenly, all that Bree felt and she didn’t hear Roger say that how her mother tended to him all she could and did not hear his protests for her not to go out the yard in a chilly night in her condition.

Tears swelled from her eyes and this time, not from joy. She quickly got up and headed downstairs to her mother.

Oh god, her mother.

If she felt pain like this from a man she just knew, how was her mother faring losing the man she craved for got twenty years.

She came out the door to find to an empty yard save only the cart, her mother and the lifeless form of her father. Claire was lying on her side, looking and caressing Jamie’s face, the only part of his body that isn’t covered by a blanket. Bree saw her mother’s eyes retreat to something she’d seen thousands of times before back in their own time – it was blank, tearless, completely dazed and completely lost.

Bree ran towards them but her mother didn’t even shoot her a look as she came. She had to put her hands on her mouth to keep her from screaming as the reality of her father’s death consumed her.

She couldn’t climb the cart but the plank was low and she can see and reach for him.

“Da!” Bree called as she tried to look for his hand to touch. “Da!!” she said, breaking, as she finally found his hand under the blanket and its coldness made her more heartbroken. He really was gone and she let her tears freely fall.

“It’s not your fault” her mother finally said. Bree didn’t know if it was for her, for Jamie or herself – or maybe it was all of them.

“He wanted you to know that it isn’t your fault, that you shouldn’t blame yourself for all this. He made me promise to tell you that he doesn’t regret trying to bring Roger back to you because he knew he kept his word and he knew ye’d be happy and he’s happy that you’re happy. He wanted you to know that he loves you very much, his words are not enough to describe it. He thanks you for giving him a chance to be a father and wants you to know that being with you, being able to see you and spend time with you in the last weeks has meant so much to him. All he hopes is that you find it in your heart to forgive him for the pain he’s caused you to absolve his soul.” Claire revealed, stating Jamie’s last words for Bree while still looking and caressing Jamie’s face. It wasn’t lost on Bree that her mother was unable to look at her.

“Mama, I’m – “ Bree paused, sure how any of her words will help but she needed her mother to know. "I'm sorry."

Claire was unmoved but continued to speak. “I tried to keep him alive and he tried to live until we got back here just so he can see you and say these things himself but there was just too much” Claire paused, stunned. “There was nothing else I could do in this time to save him.”

Silence followed between them, unable to say or do anything really, but grieve on their own for a while as they processed what just happened. After a while, her mother spoke again.  

“Bree, can you please go back to Roger inside please?” Bree understood that her mother was holding it back until she was alone finally let her pain and sorrow show. Although Bree was heartbroken for causing this much pain, what killed her more is knowing that she let true love be separated again and this time it is for good.

She went back to her room and found Roger seated in one of the big, plushy chairs. She immediately climbed to Roger’s lap and clung to him as they heard Claire try to muffle her loud cries by burying herself in Jamie’s body.

Fin.

A/N: Okay, this fic came about because I really didn't like how the writers wrote the Fraser Family confrontation in 4x10 and how Jamie and Claire acted towards each other in 4x11. For 4x10, they skipped the fire cuddle scene with Jamie and Bree and immediately went to the confusion reveal. What I didn't like in the episode is when Brianna hit Jamie and retreated to calling him by his first name and her deliberately excluding him from her life at the Ridge. And in all these CLAIRE was just STANDING ASIDE and ALLOWED it to happen and the gap to flourish. She didn't to anything to defend her husband to her daughter, nor, for some reason, tried to understand her husband or make her husband understand by calmly pointing out where he was wrong.

Brianna's anger is valid but it kills me that the writers didn't allow for much room for a little understanding since there were lies and deception from ALL characters in this scenario. Claire's distance was so uncharacteristic. All I am saying is IT COULD'VE BEEN HANDLED BETTER.

In 4x11, Claire just stood there even though she knew Jamie was hurting. Claire very much knew that Jamie is mad at himself more for this ‘Roger thing’ rather than the ‘Stephen Bonnet lie’. The Frasers have been in situations like this before in their marriage and never did they ever choose silence before over confrontation. Hence, so much disconnect happening to these characters. 

Bottomline, I'm just sad, angry and heartbroken with these episodes and this fic stemmed out. I thought Claire and Bree doesn't deserve Jamie and Jamie doesn't deserve this isolation from his lasses too. So I made their anger pay with their grief.

Thank you for reading. I'm shocked that you still do or did. This is my first time attempting to write a death fic and as always, would love your feedback to improve my writing.

[stillthewordgirl]

LOT/CC fic: Somewhere On Your Road Tonight (ch. 12 of 16)

Sara and Leonard made a life for themselves, together in 1958, after the Waverider left them, Ray and Kendra behind. But now they're back on the ship, Mick has been twisted into Chronos, Kendra is pregnant, and Savage is still out there. They'll deal--together. (Sequel to "Chances Are.")

The second of the "River of Time" chapters! Turns out Leonard couldn't completely avoid everything that happened to him in the original(?) timeline.

Many thanks to LarielRomeniel for the beta! This can also be read here at AO3 or here at FF.net.

Leonard’s wanted Savage defeated since he first saw Rip’s image of his city in flames, over the rooftops of Central City that fateful day.

He’s wanted Savage dead since the day the warlord threatened to kill Mick, not so long into their mission.

The way he feels now combines both those feelings and still makes them pale in comparison.

He pauses outside the brig and takes a few deep, steadying breaths, recalling every lesson learned though decades of being Lewis Snart’s son. He has a certain scary conviction that Lewis and Savage are more similar than anyone else might consider.

But he considers. He considers for a long few moments.

And then he saunters into the brig, head held high.

Savage isn’t facing him. The warlord is leaning against the wall, facing away. “Dr. Stein,” he starts in his oozing voice, starting to turn, “I told you, I…”

He stops when he sees his visitor, though, and Leonard thinks there’s actually a flicker of surprise there. Interesting. Leonard halts, folding his arms and regarding Savage with a mildly interested but unenthused expression. He doesn’t speak.

Savage doesn’t let on to anything past that second of surprise, though. He finishes turning, studying the thief intently, and then smiles.

“Ah,” he says, folding his hands in front of himself. “Mr. Snart. I will confess, I was not expecting a visit from you.”

Leonard tilts his head and lifts an eyebrow. It’s an invitation to continue, and Savage takes it.

“The others, certainly.” The warlord takes a deliberate step closer, then another. “They have questions, or they simply want to gawk.” The smile grows. “You, however, do not seem the sort to fall prey to such…prosaic concerns.”

Leonard smirks at him. He knows an attempt to flatter when he hears it. He wants no part of that from Vandal Savage, but he knows how to play the game.

“What can I say?” he drawls with a shrug. “I do tend to be curious.”

Savage inclines his head, keeping his eyes on Leonard.

“Well, I’m glad,” he says. “I think, perhaps, that we have more in common than the rest of this…” he waves a hand, “…motley collection Captain Hunter has assembled.”

Leonard’s eyes narrow before he can stop himself. “We’re nothing alike,” he says a bit sharply, then, cursing his reaction, smooths it out a bit. “For one thing, I’m out here.” Another tilt of his head toward Savage, locked in the brig. “And you…well.”

Oh, the other man doesn’t like that. His eyes narrow, too, before he also attempts to hide it. “But you have to know that none of this group of so-called heroes would hesitate to put you in here as well, in any other circumstance,” he said smoothly. “For simply being what you are. Something far more pragmatic and far less holier-than-thou than they are.” He spreads his hands out. “A survivor.”

He’s good. There’s just enough truth in there that once, it might have even hit a nerve. But Leonard’s been through more than he thinks Savage knows, with this team and particularly three other members of it, and he’s not the person he used to be either. Still, it seems best to play along, a little. He gives Savage a thin smile, one that could be read as agreement or simply understanding.

“Indeed,” he drawls, studying his nails. “And you’re good at that, too, aren’t you? In a manner of speaking.” He looks up, suddenly. “Too good to get trapped here so easily, I’d think.”

Savage stares, then smiles back, a similar expression, thin and considering. He waits.

And Leonard continues. “So, I’m thinking,” he says casually, starting to pace in an equally insouciant manner, “that you might just want to be here.” He turns, ambling slowly back to the left, not looking at Savage. “And I’ll admit, I’m wondering why.”

Stop. Turn. He finally looks back at the man in the brig.

Savage’s expression isn’t quite what he’d expected. He’d expected anger, or maybe surprise. Consternation, maybe. A combination of all three.

But, no. No, Savage looks thrilled. Like he’s found himself someone who gets it.

“Well. Well. Well,” the other man says. “I think we need to have a talk, Mr. Snart. I think maybe we can come to…a mutually beneficial agreement.” A pause. “Let me out, and we’ll talk. I think the Time Masters could use a clever and pragmatic man like yourself.”

And then he smiles. A big smile. A commiserating one.

It turns Leonard’s stomach, actually. He resists the wave of nausea, though, and keeps his expression steely, watching Savage, trying to decide how to play this. In some ways, Savage just confirmed something, but he needs more information. And letting Savage out won’t be good for anyone.

But neither would allowing things to continue as they are.

Leonard makes himself take one step closer to the door of the brig, the warlord’s eyes on him avidly. Then he pauses, as if considering something.

“Tell me first,” he says casually, looking at Savage. “Confirm that I’m right. That you’re working with the Time Masters.” He pauses again. “I need to hear that. Before I commit.” He lets his eyes drift to the lock. “Because if I do this…I’m committed.”

Savage studies him, his face giving nothing away. Then he starts to speak…

Raymond almost skids into the brig, like he’s been running, coming to a halt a few feet from Leonard and pulling himself up, like he’s been entrusted with a very important task. He doesn’t even look at Savage, but he grins at Leonard as if the other man has given him a very surprising gift.

“I have your back,” he tells Leonard staunchly. “I’m sorry; it took Sara a few more minutes to find me. I was…”

Leonard holds up a hand, and Raymond stops. He’d actually just about forgotten he’d asked Sara to send the other man for backup, a measure of how uneasy he was about Savage, so this is his fault, really, he thinks. There’s not even any point in blaming Raymond. More’s the pity.

For a moment, both he and Savage stare at the scientist, whose grin flags just a little.

Then Savage sighs, just a bit dramatically, and shakes his head.

“Oh, Dr. Palmer,” he says almost pityingly. “Incredibly bad timing as usual.”

Leonard can’t disagree, but Raymond’s chin goes up and he looks at his teammate as if expecting a defense. When Leonard shrugs, he rolls his eyes and looks back at Savage.

“Well,” he retorts, “could be worse. I’m out here and you’re in there, after all.”

Leonard closes his eyes with a sigh, bidding farewell to any hopes of getting more out of Savage. The warlord is focused on Raymond now, a sly smile on his face…and, oh crap, this probably isn’t good at all.

“You…now, you, I’ve been expecting for a while now,” he says a bit mockingly to the scientist. “I’m surprised it’s taken you so long, to be honest.”

Raymond starts to speak again, but Savage talks right over the top of him. “Here to ask how to free your rival’s mind, are you?” He smirks as Leonard and Raymond stare at him. “The moment I release him, you know, you will lose her forever. We're actually quite alike, you and I.”

He leers at them both…but as the silence continues and Leonard and Raymond keep staring at him, that expression flags a little. Then it vanishes, and Savage’s eyes narrow in ire.

It occurs to Leonard that they could use this. Things are clearly different than Savage—just like Chronos—had been led to believe they would be. He whips his head around to look at his teammate, his own eyes narrowed.

“Raym…” he starts to say warningly.

But it’s too late. Raymond finds his voice—and laughs at Savage, an amused sound that also manages an edge of scorn.

“Wow,” he tells the captive. “You’re really behind the times. And what makes you think Carter’s even on this ship?”

Savage takes a step closer to the clear barrier. Leonard sees something flash through his eyes—dismay, rage, consternation. A plan pops into his head, then. Probably not a good idea—OK, definitely not a good idea—but sometimes you gotta roll the dice.

“Chay-Ara would never…” Savage starts.

“First, she’s not Chay-Ara now. She’s Kendra. Second, that wasn’t even Carter, or the version of Khufu she knew,” Raymond informs him. “Third…”

Leonard steps in before the altogether-too-forthcoming scientist can spill even more beans than he has. “I think,” he says smoothly, “that we need…more information.” He gives Raymond a look. The other man’s eyes widen, and he gives Leonard a solemn look in return, but Leonard’s already studying Savage again.

“Raymond,” he says quietly. “Go away.”

“Yeah…what?” But then Raymond nods, jerkily, and takes a step back as Leonard glances over. “Oh. Um. OK.” He looks at Savage. And then smirks. Widely. “OK.”

Leonard’s almost proud at the sheer un-Raymond-like attitude. But he waits another long moment for the other man to leave before looking back at Savage. The warlord is staring after the scientist with an expression that looks part baffled and part enraged.

“So,” Leonard drawls, dragging Savage’s attention back to him, “where were we?”

Savage stares at him a moment, then steps closer to the glass. “The man named Carter Hall,” he says. “He isn’t on this ship?”

Leonard considers lying, just for a moment. “Nope,” he drawls, though, folding his arms. “I mean, he was, at best, a reincarnation of Carter Hall. And he was a real asshat.” Savage actually snorts, and Leonard smirks. But he doesn’t say anything more about that.

Instead, he redirects the conversation again. “We were talking,” he says casually, stepping closer. “And…?”

Savage regards him. “Let me out,” he says finally. “I need a gesture too. Before I give you anything.”

Leonard regards him in return. Then he pulls his cold gun out of his holster and primes it, pushing it to the highest setting.

This is a bad idea. This is a very bad idea. But every instinct in him says they’re on their way to disaster at the Vanishing Point. And the need to stand between that and Sara…and frankly, all the others…is strong indeed. If he can get anything, anything at all, out of Savage…well, he’ll do it.

He hesitates a moment…and then slaps the lock to the brig, opening the door.

Savage steps out, face solemn, eyes bright and altogether too pleased. Leonard points the cold gun at him, grimly, watching him intently for any sign of the trouble he’s sure is coming.

“OK,” he grits out. “You’re out. Tell me. What are the Time Masters up to?”

Savage smiles, holding his hands out to either side. “I’ll admit, I’m still wondering,” he says smoothly. “You were…not a visitor I expected. I thought, at first, that perhaps it was just that native pragmatism, that you saw how the wind was blowing and came to make a deal.” He takes a step toward Leonard. “But. I wonder.”

Leonard’s eyes narrow. He raises his gun a little, aiming it right at the warlord, the blue light reflected in Savage’s eyes. “This wasn’t the deal. I want to know about the Time Masters.”

Savage continues as if he hadn’t spoken. “From everything I know of you, Mr. Snart, you’re not one to care about anyone other than yourself. Not much, anyway. Your partner the arsonist, perhaps, to some extent.” He tilts his head. “But. Something has changed. Hasn’t it? Well, well. And how did that happen?” His smile grows even slyer. “You care for someone on this crew of losers.”

Leonard steps forward before he can stop himself, hand tightening on the cold gun’s trigger. “Talk or get back in the goddamned brig,” he hisses. “I just want to know the truth.”

“It’s not Chay-Ara. Or the scientist,” Savage muses, continuing his thought. “Certainly not the captain.” A light appears in his eyes. “Ah. The assassin. Oooh, Mr. Snart. She is lovely. Is that what you want, then? You want the Time Masters to give her to you. In exchange for…”

The very idea is both absurd and stomach-churching, and Leonard can’t keep this up any longer. “Don’t you even say her name,” he snaps, unable to keep the fury from his tone. “You…

But he’s distracted now, angry and disgusted, and it’s enough. Savage takes the chance, lunging like a striking snake and grabbing the cold gun, wrenching it around. Leonard catches himself quickly enough to fight him for it, but while they’re grappling for the gun, Savage gets a hand on the trigger and a spray of blue-white energy emits from it, freezing an icy path across the ceiling, the wall, and…

And, as Savage gives the weapon another jerk, across Leonard’s right hand.

He yells, but it’s not like it hurts. Not at first. It’s too much of a shock, a jarring sensation of extreme cold and then numbness. More than numbness, really, though that’s how his brain processes it. Because at that setting, the hand isn’t even living flesh anymore; it’s already shreds of dead, frozen tissue encased in ice. There’s no saving it, and he can’t think about that right now, he can’t, he’s still fighting Savage as best he can.

But the blast was a shock to his system, and no matter how he tries to hang onto the gun with his other hand, his body and his brain have other ideas, like shutting down and curling up to figuratively lick his wounds. Savage yanks the gun away, laughing triumphantly, and…

Raymond crashes back into the brig, in his Atom suit, hand out and energy beam blasting forward to strike the surprised Savage full on, smashing the warlord across the room and into the wall. He drops like a stone, unconscious, the cold gun skittering across the floor in a way that would irritate Leonard if he wasn’t trying desperately to stay conscious despite the shock. It still doesn’t quite hurt; he’s pretty sure that will come later as things start… thawing…

Raymond studies Savage for a second, then apparently decides the man is truly down for the count and looks at Leonard instead. Leonard, glancing upward as a cold sweat breaks out on his forehead, sees Raymond’s eyes widen as he steps forward.

“Oh,” he breathes. “Oh, crap. Snart…”

Leonard knows he probably owes the scientist his life, but he’s not up for admitting that just yet. “You…coulda…busted in here…sooner,” he pants, curled protectively around the hand that is no longer really a hand.

“I went and got my suit, just in case; I’ve only been back a moment and I didn’t realize you were in trouble at first.” There’s distress in the scientist’s eyes as Leonard peers up at him. “Let’s get you to the medbay.”

“We need…to get Savage…back in the cell first.”

“You can’t…”

That’s when Rip runs into the room, his gun in his hand, although he puts on the brakes immediately to take in the scene in front of him. Relief at the sight of Savage out of commission resolves into dismay at the sight of Leonard and his hand…and faint irritation that seems to be directed at Raymond.

“Bloody hell,” he says with an explosive sigh. “Gideon said Vandal Savage was free. Dr. Palmer, do you realize…”

“I didn’t let him out!” the other man protests. “It was…ah…”

The room’s starting to swim in front of Leonard’s eyes, and the line where living flesh meets frozen is starting to, it seems, register what’s happened. He puts his shoulder against the wall, closing his eyes and fighting nausea and a rising tide of pain, then forces them open again.

“Don’t blame him, Rip,” he mutters. “It was me.”

The look of consternation on Rip’s face would be amusing if he was in a little better condition. Leonard shakes his head roughly, trying to clear his head. He can’t even manage his usual smirk.

“I’m going to presume that you weren’t trying to set him loose on all of us, but then what…” The captain stops himself and sighs. “But not now. Let’s get you to the medbay and get you fixed up.”

There’s only so much fixing that’s going to be possible, and Leonard doesn’t want to think about it. “Who’s flying the ship?” he mutters, watching as Rip and Raymond drag the still-senseless Savage into the brig and close the door securely. “Thought there was enough damage you needed someone on the bridge.”

“Ms. Lance, actually,” the captain tells him, dusting his hands off and scowling at Savage’s prone figure through the clear barrier. “With Gideon’s assistance.”

“Huh.” Leonard closes his eyes again. He’s starting to gray out…and he’s pretty sure he’s going to lose the battle against it soon.

“Good,” he slurs. “Good. Most competent person on this…bucket…”

And that’s when he passes out.

When Leonard wakes up again, there’s no more pain. Except for some residual grogginess, his head is clear, though there’s the sort of distance he associates with good painkillers, the kind he rarely allows himself to take.

And he doesn’t have a right hand.

Leonard tilts his head and studies the stump clinically, glad for the distance granted by drugs, for once. While he was out, someone must have melted what remained of the hand and trimmed the dead flesh away, which wouldn’t have been a pleasant process. The line of amputation otherwise seems to be clean. Odd.

He’s in a medbay-type chair, slightly reclined, and his right arm is resting, lightly strapped down, on a low table next to it. Above the stump, there’s a suspended, thin cylinder that’s glowing glue and pointed downward. He’s only started studying it, though, when Rip bustles into the room, Mick right behind him.

“Ah, you are awake!” The captain nods to him, then starts tapping at a screen nearby. “This will just be a moment, Mr. Snart. We’ve slowed our approach just for you, I’ll have you know. Thought you’d want to go through this first, given your trepidation about the Vanishing Point.”

Leonard frowns at him, but he’s also distracted by Mick, who’s standing there at the foot of the chair, glaring at him in a way in which Leonard’s pretty sure he’s glared at Mick after any number of particularly foolish moves over the years.

“You’re an idiot,” Mick tells his friend, tone harsh in a way that Leonard knows perfectly well hides other feelings.

Well, things may be different now, but Leonard’s not really up for having that talk at the moment. “No argument,” he says, resting his head back against the chair. “Ship OK? I mean, we’re apparently not dead.”

Rip ignores him. Mick scowls. “Not for lack of trying,” he mutters, then repeats: “Idiot.”

Leonard gives him a long-suffering look, then blinks, remembering the state of other things before his own debacle with Savage. “Wait. How’s the kid?”

“Jax? Gone.” Mick waves a hand as Leonard’s eyes widen. “Not like that. Me an’ the professor sent him back to 2016 to save his life. Should work.”

“Good.” Well, at least one of them might get out of this alive.

“Well, not for the professor.” However, Mick continues before Leonard can ask about that. “You’re a lucky bastard, Snart. But you still gotta face the music for being a dumbass.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a stupid move. I…”

“No. I meant Blondie. She’s gonna be in here next.” Mick grins evilly as Leonard closes his eyes. “Have fun. I suggest groveling.”

“I don’t grovel.” He hates the whine in his own voice, but frankly, it’s been a rough day. Mick just chuckles, shakes his head, and leaves.

“Oh, given Ms. Lance’s ire, I think you might want to consider it.” Rip claps his hands together. “Especially since you’re going to be a captive audience for the next little while. Gideon, start the regeneration process.”

The pen thing starts to glow more. Leonard eyes it, and Rip, with uncertainty. “What do you mean by ‘regeneration?’” He’d make a Doctor Who joke if he was in a better mood. As it is, he’s feeling a quiver of hope he didn’t suspect was possible.

“I took genetic samples from each of you at the start of our voyage,” the captain tells him almost cheerfully, “for this exact eventuality.”

It’s a little disconcerting, that Rip thought it was that possible this would be necessary. A spray of blue light is now emitting from the pen thing, spilling onto the stump of Leonard’s right arm. He stares at it, feeling his skin prickle.

“Why am I only hearing about this now?” he drawls, glancing at the captain.

Rip actually smiles. “Because none of you had lost a limb yet.”

Good point. Leonard watches in fascination as the light grows stronger, and then: “Ow.”

It’s like it’s a 3-D printer, but for flesh and bone. And it seems like it should actually be hurting far more than it is, considering that there’s now a skeletal hand protruding from the blunt termination of his wrist. And the sight’s both creepy and incredible, but it’s not like that for long—next is a network of nerves and blood vessels, muscles, and then skin, over the top of it all like a blank slate, scars he’s had for decades gone as it they’d never been there.

The entire process takes seconds. Leonard’s new fingers twitch involuntarily as he stares at them. He’d forced himself not to think about what life would hold for a thief without his dominant hand, and this…this is a miracle unlooked for. He’s not sure what to do with it.

Rip chuckles, the sound full of pleasure in the tricks his beloved ship has up her metaphorical sleeve. In a smooth motion, he tosses something toward Leonard, and the other man catches it involuntarily—a stress ball, the sort used to exercise injured or weak hands or wrists.

“Stay here until you’re sure you’re steady,” the captain instructs. “You’ve had a great many shocks to your system.” The smile goes a little sly. “And, as Mr. Rory said, you have to face the music.”

Leonard stares after him as he tries to tell his hand to contract its fingers around the ball. He’s still watching the door when Sara stalks in.

He’s already mentally rehearsing what he’s going to say to her, but that all flies out the window when he gets a good look. He’d expected anger and irritation for doing such a dumb thing—and those emotions are there, in spades. He deserves them, and he knows that.

But as she steps closer, he can see Sara’s eyes are red-rimmed, the bright blue even brighter in contrast with her skin. She’s been crying. About him? Or is something else…

“What’s wrong?” he blurts out uncharacteristically.

Sara’s eyes narrow. Oops.

“You’re an idiot,” she tells him, voice matter-of-fact.

“Mick has informed me of that fact.” Leonard pauses, searching for the right thing to say. “I’m sorry?”

Sara rolls her eyes at him, pulling up a chair and taking a seat. “You better be,” she mutters, inspecting his hand, which is resting again on the table. “That’s incredible.”

Leonard tries to get his fingers to flex again and is pleased when they respond, mostly. “Yeah. I’ll admit that. I owe ol’ Rip.”

Sara eyes him again. She’s all too obviously not going to let herself be distracted. “ ‘What’s wrong,’” she repeats carefully. “Did you really mean that?”

Leonard blinks at her. “Yes? Mick said Stein found a way to save Jax. Is there something…”

He lets his voice trail off. Given the look Sara’s giving him, it seems the best thing to do.

She sits back in her chair a moment and studies him, then shakes her head. “Do you have any idea,” she says carefully. “what you looked like when Mick carried you into the medbay earlier?”

“No?”

“You were unconscious, pale as…as ice. And your hand…” Sara takes a deep breath. “It was melting. And there were…rags…of dead skin, blackened flesh, hanging off your arm. It was…I’ve seen some rough things, Leonard. This was…it was bad. And what was there was rough, jagged, and…” She let her voice trail off then. “Gideon sedated you so you wouldn’t wake up in the middle of it, and Stein helped walk me through…cleaning things up.”

Leonard swallows hard. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that.” Sara glares at him. “What on earth possessed you to let Savage out? You kept saying he was a danger to all of us. What…”

“I thought I could get him to tell me what he was up to. ‘Cause it turned out he thought I was there to throw my lot in with his.” He gives her a thin smile as she swears. “I’m a villain, after all.”

“You’re more than that, and everyone on this ship but Vandal Savage knows it.” Sara studies him. “Still a stupid thing to do.”

“Indubitably.”

“You tried to play him.” She shakes her head. “And he used me against you. Yeah, Gideon gave us access to the video records. I heard it. He distracted you.”

The last thing—one of the last things—Leonard wants is for her to blame herself in any shape or form. “If it wasn’t you, it would have been something else,” he admits. “The minute I let him out of the brig. But…”

“But Savage worries you that much.”

“Yeah.” He hesitates. “He came pretty close to confirming that he’s working with the Time Masters, even if I didn’t get him to say it point blank. Did Rip see that?”

Sara sighs. “After the fact, yes. But it didn’t change anything. He thinks this is our only option.” She stands, then, and holds a hand out to him, and Leonard knows he’s (mostly) forgiven. He slips his left hand into hers, levering himself upward with a grunt, and has to pause to fight back vertigo. After a moment, they start back into the hallway, though Sara steers him in the direction of the bridge instead of their room.

“We’re almost to the Vanishing Point,” she says quietly. “I think we both probably want to see what happens.”

Leonard would really like to lie down, which seems silly given that he’s apparently spent a good deal of time unconscious recently. But Sara’s right about that.

“Hear you flew the ship,” he says, trying to make his tone light, glancing over at her.

“Yeah.” Sara’s lips curve. “Not a thing I’d ever thought I’d want to do. But I enjoyed it.”

“Told our captain you were the most competent person on this ship.” He chuckles a little as she lifts an eyebrow at him. “And then I passed out. That’s one way to get the last word around here.”

“Yeah, well, don’t you ever try it on me.”

All of the others are on the bridge, all watching the viewscreen, when they enter. Leonard ignores Raymond’s enthusiastic greeting and requests to see his new hand and nods in acknowledgement of Stein and Kendra’s pleased welcome—and Mick’s still-irritated grunt. He sits with alacrity in one of the jump seats, trying not to look like he’s exhausted from walking just the distance from the medbay to the bridge.

“Is that…” Sara starts, stepping closer to where Rip is sitting, staring out the viewscreen. Leonard looks, too. The odd, complicated jumble of black structures there at the supposed edge of the timeline is like nothing he’s ever seen before, but…

He shakes his head roughly as a shiver runs down his spine.

“Welcome to the Vanishing Point,” Rip tells them.

And Leonard feels…

The closest thing he can think of is the start of a panic attack. The breathless feeling of something-not-right-something-horribly-wrong, the way his heart starts racing, the chill that overtakes him. He drags in a deep breath, trying to regain control. None of the others seem to notice…well, except for Mick, who’s watching him with narrowed eyes.

“I can't believe we made it,” Stein is saying.

Sara hums in agreement, then pauses. There’s a slight hitch in the ship’s motion, and Leonard feels it too, but he’s focusing too much on regulating his breathing to say anything.

“Did you just lose control of the ship?” she asks.

“Yeah, that might have something to do with us being the most wanted time criminals in all of history.” Rip hops up from the captain’s chair, smiling as if he hadn’t just said something rather alarming.

As he does so, a man’s face appears on their viewscreen, stern and unfamiliar.

“Timeship Waverider, we've taken control of your guidance systems,” he announces. “Disable your weapons and prepare to be boarded.”

Rip chuckles. “Oh, it's good to be home.”

The other Time Master pauses. “Captain Hunter,” he says. “This is…unexpected.”

“Well, I have a reputation to maintain, don't I?” Rip smiles at him. “And I hereby request an immediate assembly of the Time Council in accordance with General Order 52.”

“So you've returned to answer for your crimes?”

“No. I'm here to justify them.”

They’re at the Vanishing Point now. There’s only so much they can do, even if Leonard’s right and this is all going to go downhill fast.

Sara makes sure she has an array of knives tucked around her person—but then, she always does. She doesn’t miss that Leonard immediately goes to the armory to find his cold gun, double-checking it before holstering it securely at his side.

But then they both return to their room. If everything does all to hell, they want to be together.

The others had disappeared to their own various pursuits when Rip had left the ship. Sara sighs as she looks around the room, trying to figure out if there’s anything more they can do. She hates waiting.

Leonard, who’s still edgy in a way that’s clearly nerves, scoops their deck of cards up from the desk and waves it at her. And it seems like there would be worse things.

It’s not a good game, though. He’s jumpy and unhappy, and he keeps flexing the fingers of his right hand like he can’t believe they’re there. For her part, Sara keeps seeing, in her mind’s eye, what Leonard had looked like when she’d entered the brig only…what, a few hours ago? They’re both distracted, and they’re not playing well, and…

Leonard’s head jerks up again, the third time in maybe a minute.

“Did you hear that?” he asks, eyes darting around.

She hadn’t, actually. “Don't try to distract me.”

Another moment passes. Leonard suddenly gets to his feet, crossing to the door, listening intently. “We need to find somewhere to hide.”

Sara sits down her cards and cautiously joins him. “Could we fight our way out?” she asks carefully. She can’t hear whatever he seems to be hearing. Which is odd, actually.

But Leonard shakes his head emphatically. “No,” he says, then reaches out to take her hand. “C’mon.”

Sara lets him take it but raises her voice. “Gideon, warn the others!”

Only silence greets her words.

[midnight-circus]

otp meme

copied and pasted bc i wanna do this for the Vicious Old Queens and also lukhan and roderick, just for the fuck of it

Who is the most affectionate?

Physically, Elrick and Lukhan. Both my boys are r e t i c e n t.

Big spoon/Little spoon?

Elrick and Logan trade in and out, except when they’re actually asleep when their bodies repel away like opposite magnets and don’t touch for the rest of the night. As for Lukhan and Roderick, like ... Lukhan is almost 7ft and Roderick maxes out at 5′5, hair included. take a fuckin guess who’s little spoon 

Most common argument?

Elrick and Logan bicker like a pair of children, but it is very rarely anything serious or worth mentioning. Roderick is quite the little sniper, but Lukhan is generally too easy-going to fight back; when they do argue, it’s likely about Roderick’s treatment of other people. 

Who is most likely to carry the other?

Elrick has definitely carried Logan multiple times in their youth when the latter has been too drunk to walk. Lukhan could quite literally pick up Roderick one-handed.

What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

Only from the perspective of my boys - either E’s eyes or his lopsided smile. As for Lukhan, Roderick’s weak for his whole fuckin business

What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

Very little changed for E & L, mainly because Logan was still fiercely closeted and would be for a couple more years (until being outed and kicked out). Actually, the first thing that changed for Logan was an intense crisis of faith, the entirety of which was conducted beneath a veneer of indifference. It’s one thing to suspect you might find men attractive in an aesthetic way; it’s entirely another to actually kiss one and enjoy it so fucking much. It took him a long time to quantify his attraction to Elrick with the after-effects of strict childhood Catholicism, even though he had long since considered himself atheist.  

As for Roderick, the first time he spotted Lukhan he fell off the running machine and then had to go and have three espresso shots one after the other so you tell me. Realistically, though, his subsequent feelings for Lukhan are the first real stirrings of attraction he’s ever felt. An entirely new scope of emotion suddenly pings open in front of him and it’s like ... a lot to deal with at 2pm on a Wednesday, to be honest.

Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

Elrick and Lukhan both know better >:[

Who worries the most?

god. my boys arent having a great success rate right now

Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

Elrick and Roderick; Elrick because he’s food-orientated, Roderick because he just picks the direct opposite of what he himself would eat and it’s generally correct.

Who tops?

look. its not my fault that all my boys are bottom bitches. i dont tell them how to conduct their sex-lives, that shits up to them

also, please picture a 5′5 man topping one that’s 6′8. i beg of you. it’s like a chihuahua on a great dane.

Who initiates kisses?

Pretty equal for E & L these days, although Elrick probably wins by a small margin. Lukhan has to initiate kisses because Roderick can’t reach.

Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

E & L aren’t really the hand-holdy type, to be quite honest - if they’re going to touch, it’s more arm-around-the-shoulders/waist. Roderick would be receptive to hand-holding (even though he’d complain about it, to keep up appearances, you understand), but would never initiate himself. 

Who kisses the hardest?

Logan’s got a lot of Repressed Sexuality to catch up on, cut him some slack. Roderick would love to, if you could kindly get him a step-ladder.

Who says I love you first?

probably Elrick, definitely Lukhan.

Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

Elrick, because his family is decent and wouldn’t disown their son for being a Gay. Although actually, strictly speaking Kat knows about their relationship before anyone else does, so I guess it’d be Logan. Roderick’s parents are dead and he doesn’t have any friends, so Lukhan wins by default.

What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Logan’s family pretend it doesn’t exist. In time, his mother will come to display a sort of grudging acceptance, but she will never cease to impart microaggressions; his father will never be anything but explicitly, venomously homophobic, and doesn’t even acknowledge Elrick’s existence. Kat, on the other hand, soon gets over her dislike of Elrick and accepts him as a surrogate brother, which obviously gives her the right to punch him in the head with wild abandon.

Again, Roderick is literally a one-man-band in this world, so this is one problem he doesn’t have to concern himself with.

Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

Elrick and Roderick, except Roderick only cooks healthy superfoods and therefore it’s gross by default. Logan literally cannot function without a microwave and im pretty sure Lukhan eats his food raw off the floor. 

Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Literally the only one of the four who might even vaguely consider doing this is Lukhan, and the annoying thing is he kind of makes them work. Roderick hates it and professes to wish he was dead, whilst at the same time secretly feeling a little faint

Who needs more assurance?

Logan only requires it when his family are involved because they’re a literal nightmare. Roderick, oddly enough, needs more assurance than one would think - it’s partially why he falls for Lukhan against his better judgement. Having lost his parents quite young and then subsequently entering into a very cut-throat business world, he never really received much reassurance and had to learn to get by without it. Coming from Lukhan, it quite wrong-foots him at first.

One headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

Logan will never live to a particularly old age. That’s always been a factor of his life, headcanon-wise. Probably 60, maybe 70 at a push, but certainly not far beyond that. Elrick’s inevitably going to be left behind. 

Roderick is liable to lose Lukhan to his own reticence and selfishness - it takes him a very long time to appreciate what he has, and it’s probably longer than a lot of people are willing to wait. If Lukhan decides he’s had enough, he has quite literally nobody to blame but himself.

One headcanon about this OTP that mends it

ok honestly the entirety of E & L as a whole mends my fuckin heart. they are my boys. theyve been through Hell and back in quite literally more incarnations than i can actually recall, and they always manage to pull it together one way or another. my dumbass fags.

As for Roderick, he sorts himself out in time. He starts off his character arc as thoroughly unpleasant, but Lukhan makes him a better, calmer, kinder person - and being able to apply the word ‘kind’ to Roderick Crowley in any capacity whatsoever is a dramatic achievement. It takes him almost three years to tell Lukhan he loves him, but it all finally begins to fall into place when he does.

[beatconductor-blog]

AA: y0u tried t0 c0ntact me? AA: s0rry i was busy being a...grub

😎: i got as much yeah 😎: i guess you ungrubbed 😎: bc listen uh 😎: shits wild 😎: hey you know how you told me sometimes i gotta risk shit 😎: im having second thoughts AA: d0 tell 😎: id rather not 😎: jk 😎: just uh 😎: give me a moment 😎: alright so uh 😎: hey funny story did you know socks also called dave 😎: and also i shouldnt be here in the first place and this is probably the biggest mistake of my life and boy i did a lot of those AA: ... hm AA: i supp0se i AA: c0uld have put th0se things t0gether already 😎: could you or did you 😎: and does that mean were in unanimous agreement that i should gtfo yeah kay cool AA: i did n0t AA: and n0 AA: where d0 y0u want t0 gtf0 t0 😎: yanno 😎: anywhere else thats not here 😎: out of this city 😎: this universe 😎: peoples life > Deleted. AA: hmm AA: let me c0nsider this briefly AA: n0 😎: okay 😎: but uh 😎: i guess shits a lil awkward 😎: like someone shitting into the punch bowl at a wedding awkward(edited) AA: a little bit yes AA: but y0u didnt kn0w did y0u? AA: y0u still d0nt kn0w the full st0ry i assume 😎: yeah no 😎: but i know a lot of other shit 😎: and just 😎: well shit 😎: i guess this is all a lil too much too handle 😎: and im kinda still panicing 😎: look arent you proud of my incredible self-awareness AA: y0u d0nt have t0 handle it right n0w y0u kn0w AA: y0u are pr0bably still sh0cked y0u sh0uldnt decide anything right n0w 😎: alright whos gonna do the deciding then tho AA: im deciding y0u need a g00d hug 😎: sounds like a sound decision AA: im c0ming 0ver then 😎: alrighty 😎: uh ara 😎: thanks

Coco 👑Yesterday at 8:19 PM > There's a knock on Dave's door about half an hour later. rootyYesterday at 8:31 PM > There's a loud noise as something gets knocked over, and then most more hasty scrambling. Then a moment of silence, which totally isn't you trying to make yourself look somewhat presentable right in front of the door, nope. > Then you open the door. And boy, it's a mess. You and the apartment. You look like you didn't sleep in three days, which is probably about right, and there's stuff all over the apartment because you most likely didn't stay in a single spot for more than five minutes. > Also, a soft cawing from like three crows that got very comfy inside because of a window that's been open for just as long. Coco 👑Yesterday at 8:39 PM You got worried that whatever got knocked over was Dave for a moment there but he does manage to open up the door, so that's something. The mess inside is easy to ignore, you know Dave well enough and you grew up with a bunch of brothers. The mess that is Dave though... Utterly pitiful. You just pull him into a tight hug right there in the door. rootyYesterday at 9:02 PM Oh, you didn't expect that to go so quick but... Man, you didn't realize how much you really needed that. You stand there awkardly for a moment, then your arms try to find their way somewhere through Aradia's mane. You realize there's no way you can say anything without your voice shaking, so you choose to just be quiet and let that happen. Coco 👑Yesterday at 9:31 PM Nothing a good long hug can't at least make a little better right? But all good things must end so you eventually let go of him to make your way to his couch, kicking off whatever crap is on there. You gesture at him to come sit with you. "You look like shit Dave." It's important to be honest right? rootyYesterday at 9:38 PM "I know." There it was, the shaky voice. And that half laugh didn't really cover it up. You gladly follow her to the couch though and let yourself drop next to her. And... then what? Being honest sounds like a good plan, but you honestly don't know where to even start. So you opt to just bury your face into her and let out a long-drawn-out noise. Coco 👑Yesterday at 10:01 PM "Shhh..." You just pet the mess in your arms. What can you even say about this whole mess? Not a lot. God knows he has every right t be fucked up over it. rootyYesterday at 10:26 PM

Oh hey is it getting wet or is that just you? No, it's totally not your face that's leaking. After a couple of minutes you actually manage to calm down some and turn, so you're lying somewhat comfy on Aradia's lap and just start babbling on your own as the silence gets unbrearable. 

 "So... you know... Sock being a Dave isn't really the problem. I've- I've talked with alternates before. That of other people and my own. The multiverse is a big and weird place. The issue is that he's, like, THE Dave. The- the one from here. I- I almost forgot this isn't my place... That I came from somewhere else. But... I didn't think he'd exist. He wasn't there. There was only Bro and- Fuck, Bro..." Your voice cracks, but you're not done yet. 

"The shit he said about Bro. I thought he was a better one...." Now you're done, as your voice slowly dies in your throat. Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:05 PM This is actually the first time you have seen Dave become this undone and it's breaking your heart. Worst of all there's so little you can really do for him except for stroking his hair in a weak attempt to calm him down. 

"You couldn't have known that about him though. You didn't know he's around when you arrived here right? Don't blame yourself for something that was out of your control." 

Bro though... It hits you just now how little you actually know about this man beyond him existing somewhere maybe. That's about all Dave ever told you and Sock never spoke about him at all until just yesterday. 

"How...How did Bro treat you then?"

rootyYesterday at 11:16 PM

Don't Blame Yourself is a real big fucking word for you. Aradia should know that. But then again, hearing that little reassurance from her was kind of helped. "Better than him..." This one did, at least. It's not that you wanted to keep anything hidden from Aradia this time, but more than you yourself were absolutely not ready to delve into whatever the fuck you left behind.

Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:25 PM

You know that's asking a lot of him but damn, there's nothing to be gained by blaming himself for everything all the damn time. "Well... Perhaps he wanted to make up for how he treated Sock? Whatever the reason, that's not your fault either." rootyYesterday at 11:34 PM

Your hand finds hers and just... holds it. Presses it against your head. The more contact, the better. The only way to make this all somewhat more bearable."This whole thing is a fuck." Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:39 PM

You other hand finds his cheek and gently pets it. Shhh... "It is. But it's not your fuck, you are just along for the ride. That and.. You don't even have the full story do you? Like why Sock wasn't around? Don't run away to earth before you at least talked to him okay?"

rootyYesterday at 11:43 PM

"I'm not, alright. I'm just... I don't know." The touch helped. Something nice you could focus on. "God, he must be freaking out..."

Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:47 PM

You can have plenty of touches Dave. "Probably, yeah... But he's at home, I'm sure he's safe."

rootyYesterday at 11:50 PM

But can you really be sure, Aradia. You sigh. "What do I even say to him.."

Coco 👑Yesterday at 11:51 PM

"Well knowing you guys... Some awkward introduction while you both pretend everything is fine until you eventually break down enough to actually tell each other what's on your mind."

rootyYesterday at 11:53 PM

You actually finally open your eyes and give her an annoyed look. Mostly annoyed because you know she's right. "Thing is I still don't know what's on my mind. It's all a mess. ..I don't wanna leave him hanging though."

Coco 👑Today at 12:01 AM

"Well we're here to try to sort your thoughts a little."

rootyToday at 12:10 AM

"Well uh. Here's a thought: I hate everything that's happening.  I want him to be alright though."

Coco 👑Today at 12:15 AM

"Sounds reasonable. Sounds like there's no way around talking to him too though."

rootyToday at 12:19 AM

You gesture with your free arm. "Well yeah but how!! 'Hey Sock I know things are hella awkward but I appreciate you' doesn't really cut it does it?"

Coco 👑Today at 12:23 AM

"Why not?"

rootyToday at 12:24 AM

"..." You stare at her. "Does it?" Listen. Aradia should know you're bad at this.

Coco 👑Today at 12:30 AM

"It's a start isn't it? It's reassuring to hear that you still care for him!"

rootyToday at 12:31 AM

"I guess. I hate how everyone always makes that shit sound so simple."

Coco 👑Today at 12:38 AM

"It's not simple. It's really hard, but it's important. You just have to try to explain as best as you can and it'll be okay...ish."

rootyToday at 12:40 AM

"Okayish. Now that sounds realistic for once." Actually, okayish sounds pretty okay. Better than what's going on right now.

Coco 👑Today at 12:41 AM

"Okayish can turn into okay with time and some work you know? It doesn't have to be okay right away."

rootyToday at 12:44 AM

You make some frustrated noises. "Why can't it just be okay right away."

Coco 👑Today at 12:48 AM

"You can't just cheat your way past everything else, that's why." You get his frustration though. He get's a big forehead kiss.

rootyToday at 12:52 AM

You pout. "I can still try." But you've actually managed to calm down a bunch. Who knows, maybe not everything would go up in flames.

Coco 👑Today at 12:58 AM

Boop his nose. "Your cheap cheat codes won't work on your brain Dave. Can't glitch through that things walls either." He looks a little better and that makes you smile.

rootyToday at 1:02 AM

"Hey now. You haven't even seen half of what I'm capable of yet. The other half got stuck in the floor once." Her smile actually makes you smile. Damn those gross contagious feelings.

Coco 👑Today at 1:03 AM

"Did you take pictures of your messy glitchy brain? I'd love to see them."

rootyToday at 1:07 AM

"Yeah, but it all looks like vaporwave and dick jokes. Kinda lame, if you ask me."

Coco 👑Today at 1:12 AM

"Aw. I do like this silly brain of yours a lot."

rootyToday at 1:14 AM

"Getting quite mushy there, miss."

Coco 👑Today at 1:15 AM

"Oh no! I will turn it down!" You pull away your hands. No more pets.

rootyToday at 1:17 AM

Oh. No!!! Your desperate noises say that you liked that. Don't take hands away.

Coco 👑Today at 1:18 AM

"But Dave...I can't keep on touching you. That's mushy."

rootyToday at 1:22 AM

"Aw shit. That's a problem. What do you advise?"

Coco 👑Today at 1:29 AM

"Allowing me to mush you up"

rootyToday at 1:30 AM

You wrinkle your nose in fake disgust. "Aw man. Fine. Just this once."

Coco 👑Today at 1:35 AM

Kiss his cheek.

rootyToday at 1:37 AM

Oh. Oh no that's more mush than you expected. And makes you blush a little. Just a little.

Coco 👑Today at 1:40 AM

"Don't get all mushy on me Dave."

rootyToday at 1:41 AM

"Shut up. I'm not. You are."

Coco 👑Today at 1:49 AM

Kiss his nose.

rootyToday at 1:53 AM

Eeeeeeee alright that's getting too much for you to handle. "Okay alright yep." You sit up and rub your face. She can't see how much you're blushing when your back is turned to her. It's like for a moment you actually forgot how much of a crush you got on her. Whoops.

Coco 👑Today at 1:56 AM

"We already done with the cuddling?" You pout.

rootyToday at 4:44 AM

"Sorry girl, I know you can't resist me. I just don't want you to overdose on this Strider quality." Super smooth safe. Almost as if you didn't learn anything.

[missjackil]

Sam Winchester: The Reluctant Hero

When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros  Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid.  Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer.  Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder.  This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most. 

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world.  Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice.  Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began.  How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer.  Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again.  Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up.  The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either.  It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out.  The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways.  Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her.  Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years,  and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures.  Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on... Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive.  So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes.  There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason.... but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero.