#he feels like your friends cool older brother that you’re like obsessed w and you’re not sure if you wanna be him or kiss him

[moony-ghoul]

randy’s so fucking cool dude

[thedevildomdaily]

Demonic Possessions Ch 3.Mr. Happyface Sunshine Boy & The Best Route Responses

NOTE: I hope you're enjoying the new fic. I feel much happier and less exhausted. n_n Let me know in the notes or via private message your thoughts on anything related to the fic and/or my characters. I do want to develop relationships between all of the characters before the NSFW stuff happens. I hope y'all are cool with that.

Warnings: Just typical swearing this chapter

Lena was reluctant to say, “I think our exit from your bedroom this morning gave Levi the wrong impression...and it made him uncomfortable.” Lilly and Asmodeus had completely different reactions. The human was concerned, knowing how much anxiety Levi could have in situations that made him feel awkward. His younger brother, however, thought it was hilarious!

And of course he would. He interacted with the nephilim as intimately as possible, purposefully allowing his brothers to assume something happened with her. He didn’t realize just how strongly Leviathan would feel about it. It was quite amusing.

“Uhm...Lucifer?” Lena hesitantly called to the eldest demon. He, of course, looked irked by his brother’s exclamation and exit from the group. “My tour guide just ran away. What do you want me to do?” She accepted Lucifer as her ‘boss’ while staying in the Devildom. There was something about his demeanor, his smug expression, that irritated her a little. The way he looked down at her (quite literally) with an indifference.

“Satan. Escort Lena to her first class.” The blonde’s face was stuck in a book as he walked behind them. He sighed, and nodded, “Right. Follow me Lena.”

Lucifer continued before she could walk away, “Leviathan will be in each of your classes. Follow after him, even if he’s reluctant to walk with you. If he tries to actually abandon you, remind him that I told him to escort you and there will be consequences if he fails.”

Her eyes widened at that statement. That was a little extreme. It made her think that Lucifer really didn’t like or trust her at all. He absolutely wanted the indigo-haired otaku to stick with her, even against his will. “Ugh...okay…”

After agreeing to relay the message, Lena and Satan divided from the group. He at least had this first class with Leviathan and herself. Maybe it wouldn’t be so awkward? It was definitely premature to be getting jealous over her; they’d known each other for less than 24 hours. She’d really hoped to run into her brothers, but she’d settle for seeing them at lunchtime.

~

“How should I approach Leviathan?” Lena finally asked Satan. He seemed so absorbed in his reading that she didn’t really want to bother him too much.

Satan snapped his book shut in a nonchalant manner, and looked upwards as he thought. “Why would you want to approach him? He’s pretty much the greatest shut-in I’ve ever seen. He’s not one for making friends unless they are 2-D characters in his video games.”

Lena frowned, “Well for one, that’s really harsh. Two, that’s exactly why I’d like to talk to him. I want to be his friend, especially since he’s my ward under command of Mr. Happyface Sunshine Boy…” The nephilim mocked Lucifer’s stance and Satan froze for a moment.

“Did you just…?” He couldn’t believe someone referred to Lucifer as ‘Mr. Happyface Sunshine Boy’. Satan was on the verge of dying and sinking into Oblivion over that. He had to cover his mouth with his fist, trying his best to refrain from revealing the true joy he was feeling.

Of course caught on to him trying his best to hide the laughter. “What, is that not accurate? How about Sir Jubilant VanLaughs A Lot? Dr. Giggling WonderHugs?” she smirked and tried to peek at Satan, to see the tears beading-up around his eyes. His ears were red too and it was so cute and hilarious.

“S-top it..” he murmured. There was very little air left in Satan’s lungs, “I can’t. I think I will always refer to Lucifer as Mr Happyface Sunshine Boy...it’s so wrong…”

The two made the rest of the trip to the third floor alchemy lab mocking the eldest demon brother. Apparently he and Belphegor weren’t huge fans of his. Lena would take note of that as leverage for getting Belphegor to warm up to her later on if necessary. She wanted him to just give her a small chance if possible. Leviathan too. She thought she’d gotten off to a good start, talking games and anime the other evening before dinner.

Speak of the devil(haha)! Leviathan was sitting alone at a potions table, his face still glued to his phone. There was an empty seat beside him, so Lena actually bolted to it just as the bell rang. The demon’ eyes widened beneath his long bangs at her suddenly beside him. And since the bell rang, he couldn’t get up. Not that there were any other seats available now anyways.

“Looking to escape me?” Lena whispered, “too bad son! You’re stuck with me like glue until my time in the Devildom ends. Your delightfully charming brother Lucifer wanted me to let you know.” This caused his face to glow red and he gripped his DDD tightly. She couldn’t even tell if he was angry or embarrassed. She assumed both, but decided not to let up. If he was going to run, she would chase until he caved in. It was a little exciting.

~

As soon as alchemy ended, the third oldest brother tried to bolt, but Satan and Lena both took his arms. The blonde decided to help out in exchange for the laughs she gave him at Lucifer’s expense earlier. She may be worthy of his little club ya know? Besides, he would somehow get blamed for leaving Lena otherwise unattended to if Levi didn’t cooperate.

“WAAAAGH!!!!” he exclaimed, “Let go! Physical contact is a no for me!”

“Will you please listen to me for a moment?” Lena asked. He shook his head ‘no’. It made her sigh and she let go of him. “Fine...I wish you’d just talk to me for a moment. I mean, wouldn’t Ruri-chan give me a chance?”

That caused the demon to freeze. What did she know about Ruri-chan!? Still, even though she was taking a wild guess, Lena was right. Ruri-chan always gave her friends the benefit of a doubt and was eager to hear anyone out.

The third oldest looked first to Lena, and then to Satan. Where she was looking dejected, his brother looked pissed. He’d tell Lucifer in a heartbeat if he were to run off again he was sure. He was already going to hear about it when he saw Lucifer next anyways and he was afraid he was going to get grounded from purchasing anything on Akuzon for a month.

“W-wait.” He stammered as Lena started to pull away from him, “That was a low-blow using my precious Ruri-chan against me!” He eyed her sternly and sighed, “What do you have to say to a shut-in like me anyways?”

“Firstly, I want to say this: Stop talking down about yourself. There’s nothing wrong with being an Otaku or an introvert. You’re way too hard on yourself and if it’s because your brothers make fun of them, then just ignore ‘em. They all have flaws too. Some of which are way worse than nerdy obsessions…” Lena gave a side glance at a knowing Satan. He had gone on a solid tangent about Lucifer earlier, and then remembered his anger towards Mammon.

Lena continued, following the brothers into the hall slowly, “Next, I want to address what happened with Asmodeus.” She couldn’t believe she was having this talk with a grown-ass demon. “Not that it is ANYONE’S business, but nothing happened between us last night. He was just being his flirty self. His implications were to just play a joke. He’s rather mischievous isn’t he?”

“You’ve got no idea…” Satan grumbled.

“I may be 5’4” and I am a half human. But I am probably older than Solomon himself and I don’t feel threatened at all by Asmo so you have nothing to fret over if you’re just concerned for my safety.” She knew that wasn’t the case. It was really cute knowing he was a little smitten by her in such a short time.

Leviathan saw the chance to get through this embarrassing event and move on. “Yes...I was just concerned about you and didn’t know how to address it. Asmo can be extremely lecherous and I didn’t know if a nephilim could resist his charm abilities.”

“Well I couldn’t deny that I was a little curious…” Lena snickered, “I’m just not that easy. And it's really nothing to get worked up over. His and my relationship is of it’s own and I wouldn’t let it stop me from pursuing others…” The brothers paused and blinked before looking at each other, not quite understanding what Lena meant. The expressions made her laugh some more.

“What does that mean exactly?” Satan asked. He’d glanced at the time and motioned for them to hurry on to their next class.

Lena played it coy at first, “I dunno..you tell me.” The blonde frowned and glared at her. She was just as bad as Asmo it seemed. “Fine. it’s means that I’m non-monogamous. I believe in open relationships…”

Leviathan’s brows raised and Satan got a little embarrassed for pressing the matter. “I see...well then I’m certain Asmo wouldn’t mind if you did decide to…you know what? Never mind. We’ve no time to discuss this. Get to class and I’ll see you both later. Leviathan. Don’t abandon her again or Lucifer will tie you up like he does Mammon…”

That made his older brother gulp and start picking up the pace, “C-Come on Lena!”

The nephilim laughed and followed after Leviathan to Advanced Demonology & Ethereal Beings. It seems that she had managed to fix things with him, only to embarrass Satan next. These demon lords were such easy targets and she wasn’t even trying. The only reason Leviathan didn’t get further involved into the conversation was because he wasn’t entirely sure he grasped what she was saying for one, and the fact that he swore he saw Lucifer in the distance glaring at him caused Leviathan to be distracted for another.

~

The two barely made it to their next class. Both Belphegor and Beelzebub were in there as well. After welcoming Lena and reviewing the material from the previous day, the instructor had the class silently read a couple of chapters and answer the corresponding review questions. Typical school stuff.

Bored, Lena decided to take her new DDD for a test drive by chatting with Levi who looked as extremely bored as her. She also noticed that the youngest brother was sound asleep and drooling so much. She snapped a picture of it for a later date. Too cute!

Lena:“So are you going to go shopping with us after school today?”

Levi: “Yeah I guess. There's a comic shop I want to show you that has crane games I want to try my hand at again.”

Lena: “Sweet! Should I invite the twins as well?”

Levi: “Lol you can try. Beel will go if he can eat somewhere. Belphie is totes salty w/ you still I bet!”

Lena: “Well he is the baby I guess? Lol I don’t want him to hate me though!!! T_T ”

Levi: “ROFL!! 1000% The baby! Idk how to get him to like you. Start with Beel first. He only listens to him.”

Lena: “Totally get it! My bros & I won’t listen to anyone else. Lol well, we only listen to Azri. He’s Boss Level diva and we don’t want him nagging at us! Kinda like a certain big bro of yours amiright!?! ;D”

Levi: “OMD!!!! ROFL!”

Leviathan actually chuckled a bit in the quiet classroom and Beelzebub took notice. Actually a couple others noticed. It made Lena giggle under her breath too and she put her head down on her open text book.

~

When class ended, Leviathan waited for Lena to get some additional assignments from the instructor so she could catch up. She didn’t look like it, but the nephilim was a solid A student and enjoyed learning new things. It came with being one of the oldest females alive in the human world, and going through the struggles of inequality. Like hell was she going to let her gender decide her ability to learn. She was glad her father was so progressive and allowed her to go to school and do pretty much anything her brothers did.

“It looks like the two of you are getting along better.” Beelzebub said to Leviathan as he nudged Belphegor awake.

Leviathan was going to choose the tsundere path during this play-through. “I don’t know what you mean. We’re fine. It’s not like I was personally upset with her, a 3D world member.” Sure. Sure.

“So you’re just afraid of Lucifer’s punishment?” Belphegor asked with a huge yawn between words, “Then why were you two giggling and texting each other during class?”

His two brothers stared at Belphegor dumbfoundedly, “how could you possibly know that?! You were sound asleep!” Levi exclaimed.

“You were snuggling your book as a pillow and now it’s covered in drool again…” Beel added. He held it up by the ‘dry corner’ to show a long slime trail dripping off the bottom. “Satan is going to be mad because he just got you this replacement.”

“Oh hey guys!” Lena interjected as she joined them, “Sorry it took a moment Levi.” He waved it off. “So did you ask them?”

“Ask us what?” Belphegor gave the nephilim a suspicious look. He still didn’t trust her and of course he was still salty about losing his clubhouse in the attic to her.

Lena took the opportunity to actually get a chance to talk with Belphegor, “Last night Lilly, Asmo, and Mammon decided to take me on a big shopping trip to get a few necessities and to show me around the downtown area.” She tried to gauge his face for a mood change, “I wanted to see if you two would like to join us?”

The twins thought for a moment. Clearly Beel was waiting on his twin’s response because he was being supportive of him and his feelings. It was extremely sweet. To nudge them into agreeing, Lena decided to pander a little.

“Lilly told me that you would be the perfect person to show me where to get some good local food, Beel. Oh, uhm is it okay to call you that?” She asked cheerfully.

Beel’s full attention quickly shot to Lena, “Yes! I can definitely take you on a food tour through the city!” he chuckled, fully game to dine with her and totally forgetting his brother in the process. “And you can call me Beel, that’s fine!”

Belphegor could see what Lena was doing. She was clearly trying to charm the both of them like Asmo or Mammon when they wanted something badly. He was definitely not going to fall for it…

“And Belphegor...Asmo said you were the one to help him pick out those extremely soft pillows he’s got; the comforter too! Now, I’ve never been into the Celestial Realm or anything, but I imagine that must be what a Heavenly cloud feels like!?” Lena boasted, “Could you pretty please help me find something like that? You must be an expert finding the right fit…”

“Of course I am. I have a huge collection of different types of pillows…” and he fell for it!

By the end of their discussion, Lena had both Beel and Belphegor agreeing to tag along after school. Leviathan told her she chose the best Route Responses for the both of them and the Event would be successful.

They went on to their next class, and agreed to join the twins and others at lunch time to discuss the trip.

[ververa]

Could you make something with Mina where reader is a friend of her's that likes to tease but one day it goes a little far (bdsm)?

Dangerous woman

Okay, so first I’m sorry it took me so long. Second, it turned out to be longer than I’ve planned, so there’ll be 2 parts. And part 2 should be finished tomorrow.

Hope you enjoy it!

Wilhemina Venable x Fem!reader

Wilhemina Venable - a goddesse dressed in purple from head to toe. Yes, indeed. It was her, who was on your mind constantly since you could have remembered.

She was your parents’ friend, who helped you with getting a job at the company. After some time, the two of you eventually befriended as well. However, you always wanted it to be something more than just friendship.

Of course, you played a nice and a good girl. A lovely friend of hers, but the things that were going on your mind definitely weren’t as pure as you seemed to be.

It was just a job. Three years of watching her from afar. Nothing special, right? Though there was that part of you that fell for her. She was like a nicotine. Your own kind of addiction. The thoughts of her touching you were the only thing that made you turn down other, better offers of jobz. You couldn’t leave, because that would mean losing the possibility of watching her.

You knew very well she had a soft spot for you. She could be cold and rude with others, but somehow not with you. She wasn’t that strict, but she wasn’t too nice either. It was just something in between. Though nobody, but you, seemed to notice it.

You saw her and you fell. There was no turning back. There was nothing you could do and soon she’s the only thing on your mind.

“You should distract yourself” your friend stated

“Like… What do you mean?”

“Just do something stupid, crazy, funny. Relax girl”

“Oh, okay”

But even though you agreed your friend knew very well you’re not going to do anything about it. So, she did it for you.

“What the fuck?” you asked as she handed you a black envelope

“Open it”

You rolled your eyes, but opened the envelope anyway. Your eyes widened in terror. An invitation it was. Though not just a normal invitation to the club or restaurant or other things like that. It was the invitation or maybe more like a pass to a BDSM conference.

“Are you insane?!”

“Oh come on. Do it. Go and have fun for once. Maybe you’ll learn something with what you could impress that Wilhemina” she laughed

“You’re the worst”

“But you’ll go there. Say you will”

“Uuuuh! Fuck. I will”

And you did. The whole event was taking place on the weekend, so luckily you didn’t have to worry about your work.

The building, a luxurious hotel, was enormous. You entered and all you could see were men in elegant suits.

You’re the only woman in a group of 15 men. Great. You thought to yourself heading to the room with the right number.

“Welcome” an older man dressed in a long shirt, which made him look like some kind of a priest, greeted you “Do sit down” he said

You moved hesitantly. You’re the only woman there after all, which despite everything made you feel a bit insecure. You sat between two men, but didn’t look at them. You could feel their eyes on you and it wasn’t nice. You would most likely stood up and leave before the whole thing started, but you’re too anxious and scared. So you stayed trying to calm down your nervousness. Where did your adventurous spirit go?

“We’re referring to each as ‘brothers’ or 'sisters’” he said looking at you “Is that understood?”

“Yes” you all answered

“Good. Today’s meeting is going to be slightly different. Today’s meeting is going to be lead by my friend, who used to be one of you, beginners some time ago. Though now, she’s a respected and experienced member of our BDSM community”

She. You sighed with relief. The mysterious woman was going to be your lifesaver.

For a moment you’re sure that you managed to relax, just a little bit at least, but then the door opened. First you heard a familiar tap of a cane. You knew that way of moving, that rhythm too well. It can’t be. It’s your paranoia. You’re obsessed, you freak. You kept on repeating in your head, until a well-known figure appeared in the room. Wilhemina. Wilhemina Venable in all her glory. With her red hair put in a ponytail and dressed in a purple dress.

She didn’t pay much attention to the group, until she spotted you. Her eyes stopped on you for a mere second and you knew already that your cheeks were as red as tomato.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why she? Why it has to be her?

It’s awkward. Awkward and uncomfortable to sit there between those men and listen to Wilhemina explaining different things connected with BDSM. She was talking about kinks, sometimes asked questions or showed you various toys. You tried not to stare, but how could you not? It was Venable. Your crush or maybe even the love of your life. The woman, who took your heart not even realising it.

You had pretty hard time focusing, so you’re really happy when the meeting ended. You left the room and wanted to go straight to your room, but of course it couldn’t be that easy.

“Where are you going so fast, Y/N?” you heard her voice and froze

“I… To my room I think” you answered not daring to look her in the eyes

“Always in a hurry. Such a busy girl you are, aren’t you?” Venable came closer

“Well, I… Yeah”

“I didn’t know you’re into BDSM” she moved, so that the two of you were moving forward together “You’re full of surprises Miss Y/L/N” she added

“Yeah… I bet so”

“What would your parents said if they knew about your immoral conduct?” she teased

“I could ask the same question, miss Venable. What would people at the company said?” What did you just say, you dumb?

“Such a teasy one you are” she stopped and looked at you “So much that I want nothing more, but to spank you and show you where is your place”

“Then do it”

Where did your courage come from? You had no idea and would probably start rambling, but

Wilhemina smirked looking deep in your eyes.

“Meet me at the hotel room at 10” she said and turned back leaving you shocked

Did that really worked? Was she serious?

“Oh, one more thing” she stopped “Do be on time, unless you want to get additional punishment”

At that you knew for sure that she meant it.

You came back to your room and sat down on a bed.

“What have you done?” you asked yourself out loud

You dreamed of it way too long to shy away when things were about to happen. Though you did feel a bit confused and insecure. Nonetheless you began to get ready. You put on a set of lace, black lingerie and a dress that you for sure knew Wilhemina liked. You styled your hair and touched up your make-up.

“That’s it. You won’t look any better” you said looking at your reflection in a mirror

You adjusted your dress for the last time and made your way to Mina’s room. You tried to play it cool, but your body didn’t want to cooperate. Your legs became weaker and weaker the closer you were to the destination. You felt so hot as if you’re burning from inside and you’re pretty sure that even a make-up couldn’t hide your pink cheeks.

You’re about to get what you desired for so long. You’re going to be fucked by Wilhemina Venable and nothing, even your insecurities weren’t going to stop you.

Your managed to knock despite your hand trembling really badly. And soon there was Wilhemina standing in front of you. She’s dressed in a purple shirt and a long skirt in the same colour.

She looked you up and down until your eyes met.

“You didn’t have to go into so much effort with dressing up” was the only thing she said before letting you in

You said nothing and didn’t dare to move, at least not until Mina did.

“Actually, I like this dress” she spoke up again “It’s a shame that I’ll have to destroy it”

“W-what?” you asked following her farther into the room

“I guess that today I’ll need more what’s underneath, unless you change your mind”

“No” you shook your head quickly

“Good”

Wilhemina’s quarters were enormous in comparison to your room. She led you to the room that seemed to be a living room.

“Sit down, Y/N” she gestured to the leather, black sofa

You did as she said and waited for her next move.

“Would you prefer to drink some wine or champagne?”

She sounded so professionally that it scared you.

“I-” you hesitated “Wine sounds good”

“Good choice” she moved to a wooded mini bar and took two glasses

You watched her as she was moving around relying on her cane. You stood up, wanting to help her, but the sat down again, as she commanded

“Sit” placing glasses on the glass coffee table. Then she moved to take a bottle of wine and a piece of paper.

You looked at the document curiously already impatient to find out what it was.

“Ready it” she said placing a bottle on the table and handing you a paper

You took it, trying to keep yourself composed and doing your best to stop your hand from trembling. You studied the document, while Wilhemina uncorked the bottle.

BDSM contract - the inscription at the top of the page was.

“Read it carefully and fill in the blank fields” Venable said not looking at you

You examined the document once again, then looked back at the woman sitting next to you. She was sipping on the wine not paying much attention to you.

“W-what am I supposed to do with it?” you asked

Wilhemina placed her glass on the table and turned, so that she was facing you.

“If you had been listening instead of checking me out you’d know now” she said

You bit your lip nervously.

“Once again. It’s a contract between the dominant and the sub. In this case you and me. You need to write what I can and cannot do as well as choose our safe word”

“B-but…”

“My God, just write down what you like and dislike”

You stared at the contract, but still you didn’t know what to do. You just had no experience. It was your first time and your incompetence made you anxious.

“Okay. I see” Mina slowly stood up “Come with me”

You didn’t dare to object, so you followed her to the other room. She stopped in front of a huge, black door. Wilhemina looked over her shoulder checking if you’re behind her, before moving to open.

She opened the heavy door and as soon as the lights turned on you froze. In your whole life you hadn’t seen so much stuff in one place. There were toys of different shapes and sizes, BDSM furniture and other devices. Dildoes, vibrators, gags, paddles, quirts and more.

Wilhemina seemed not to be moved by it at all. She just got into the room. No wonder, she was a member of the community after all. But it was different with you. You’re new. You’re inexperienced and scared as hell watching all that things.

It felt as if the connection between your body and mind broke. You couldn’t take a step and so you just stood there.

“For God’s sake, Y/N, move!” she ordered

You said nothing and followed the dominant woman like a little puppy that lost the owner.

You tried not to let her see that, but the farther you go, the more you saw the worst your anxiety became. You began to slowly freak out and even Venable - person for whom every spectrum of human’s emotions was unknown and unfamiliar, could see that.

“Don’t be scared” she said almost lovingly “I’m not going to use them all on you” she smiled “You can choose what you want”

You looked around. Your legs and hands weak again.

“Come on, let’s see what we’ve got here” she offered you her arm and you gladly took it “See? Those are things for more experienced members” she said pointing at the slave cage

Your eyes widened. Why the hell would someone want to use that? You wondered

“I’ll leave you, so you can decide” she said as you finished your little tour

“No!” you protested “I mean… Please, don’t go”

Venable smirked.

“I see you can be well mannered in certain situations” she chuckled “If I had known I’d introduce you to all this stuff earlier”

You blushed purposefully.

“There’s no need to be ashamed, Y/N”

You nodded not looking at her.

“Let me help you a little” she grabbed you by your hand and led you to a chest of drawers in the corner of the room “We’ll take this and this” she gave you a black gag and a blindfold “Also these” she took handcuffs and a whip

You stared at all the things she have you and wondered if you for sure can do that.

Handcuffed and naked. That’s how you ended up in one room with no other than Wilhemina Venable.

“You can refer to me only as Miss Venable. Understood?”

“Yes, Miss Venable”

You watched intently as a smirked formed on her face.

“Such a naughty girl you’re, aren’t you, Y/N?”

“Miss Venable, I… I can explain”

“What exactly? How you flirt all the time? How you tease wearing all those short skirts or tigh jeans? Or maybe that you attend BDSM classes?”

“I…” you started, but no explanation came to your mind

“Thought so”

“Actually, I could ask you the same… You’re a member of BDSM community…”

“It’s none of your business what I am”

“Well, I guess my parents or people at the company would change their opinion about you completely…” she cut you off hitting your ass with a whip “Oh my God…”

“You little slut, you think you’re the one in power now? Because you met me here?”

“No… I think I’m the one in control, because you like me”

“I like you?” she laughed “Don’t flatter yourself”

“You do. You can’t deny. If you wouldn’t like me then I wouldn’t be here, would I?”

“You’re talking way too much, Y/N” she said reaching for the gag “Open your mouth”

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged

@misssmephisto

@cakexblankett

@cordwliagoode

[bffsoobin]

sleepover ?? are you willing to tell us that very long story about the first time that guy carried you?? also every time you name a song i am impressed all over again at your music taste it’s impeccable... still remember my first time hearing outer space/carry on

oh sae. You’re gonna me riled up telling this story, but I’ll do it just for you❤️. Once again, this is going to be a DOOZY.

Since I’m a big STEM girl (always have been) I was in this club called PJAS in highschool (9+10th grade). Basically you come up with an experiment and present it at a local college and if you do well enough you get to go on a big fancy four day trip to Penn State. So in 9th grade I joined with one of my best friends and there were only two other boys in the group. (My school was pretty small) and one of them was Thomas (in my grade, we were friends from elementary school) and his brother Gabe.

so long story short, all four of us (+ two teachers) drive down to Main Campus, which is about 4 hours from my town. 9th grade sara was much more outgoing than I am today, so I was like...singing, rapping (specifically all of Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa) and just...being loud. And I didn’t know Gabe yet but I didn’t care cause I had a crush on Thomas at that point (lmaooo). Little did I know, him and my friend had been flirting on the downlow for WEEKS.

Anyway, we get on campus and somehow him and I end up talking like...a lot. And we had a ton in common and I’d never really Interacted with a boy, let alone one a year older than me, so I was like losing my mind. By the end of the first night, we had exchanged numbers & he gave me the nickname that I had for the rest of highschool and STILL HAVE (Sadams). So the next day was a competition day and that meant I didn’t see him until like early afternoon, but the college had all of these activities planned for us, so we went to this like stargazing thing all together and it was super fun.

Fun fact: I’m obsessed with the moon and it was a full moon so I took my phone out to take a picture of it and he immediately crowded in for a selfie and me being young, stupid and using my attitude to cover up my feelings, went: “uhhhh I’m not taking a selfie!!” Even though he CLEARLY wanted one lmao. So for the rest of the night he was straight up flirting with me (I was so so so stupid). He asked me if my phone background (then ashton from 5sos) was my boyfriend and I was like “umm no” and he deadass was like ☺️ okay good!!

I used to be very weary of being physically close to people outside my family (still kinda am, but I went to ✨therapy✨) and somehow he had picked up on this and was teasing me about hugging me/ picking me up all night. And I was blushing SO HARD let me tell you. But I thought I was slick so I kept saying omg noooo gabe nooo don’t pick me up or hug me with your massive strong arms!!! Boy was so bummed but 14 year old sara was like “I’m not like other girls I can’t have a boy like me!!” (on some self esteem issues shit🧚‍♂️)

But I’m also chronically cold and it was only May so it was still chilly at night and I was underdressed. I was complaining to my friend and he was like “??? You’re cold? Here!” And immediately took his hoodie off to give to me. It was a football one too, like with his last name on the back. Swoon. So as a group we ended up walking all of campus and Gabe and I were just absolutely vibing the whole time. At some point I complained about my feet hurting (we literally walked ALL of campus and that place is huge) so he was like “come here!” And he deadass like went right for my waist to give me a piggy back ride and I PANICKED SO HARD LMAO I literally yelled “I’m too fat!!!” (👁👄👁) And like RAN from him (it sounds creepy but looking back it’s that cringey cute everyone kinda wants) So he kinda backed off until we were closer to the dorms we stayed in and I was sooo tired I started to like walk slower and then he picked me up carried me to the door of the “girls dorm” and was like 🥺 goodnight & I just bumbled my way upstairs like ✨💕✨💞😌

The next morning I woke up and realized I was still wearing his hoodie but I knew I wouldn’t see him until later in the day cause it was day of competing so I texted him all panicked and he was like “it’s okay!! Keep it if you want!” And I once again totally missed the signal and was like “nooo it’s your hoodie!” So I finally gave it back later in the day and we went to get ice cream on campus and I was in line w my friend and Gabe and my cool English teacher were behind me and my teacher said “ask sara!” So I was like “ask sara what?” And my teacher was like “oh. Just if you’d go out with Gabe!!” And I was like 🤭. (Still kicking myself for being silent in that moment) but props to the boy for not giving up. He did so many other things the rest of that day/ the next day and like a week after the trip that I was dumb enough to push off because I genuinely didn’t think he actually liked me.

And then a few months later he got a girlfriend and I was like wait...wait no, come back!!

[ofcmckenna]

new york’s very own mckenna asher was spotted on broadway street in jimmy choo romy pumps . your resemblance to taylor hill is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-first birthday bash . while living in nyc ,  you’ve been labeled as being materialistic , but also devoted . i guess being a taurus explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be wrists covered in makeup swatches , a perfectly blended halo eye ,  and never being seen without perfectly manicured nails . ( i once made a fake account to expose information about myself just to get more followers ) & ( cis-female & she / her  )  +  ( lia , 19 , she / her , cst . )

hello , loves ! it’s me , lia ( i also play margo ) back again with another trash child that i’m hoping you’ll all love as much as i do <33 i first came up w kenna many years ago and haven’t had the opportunity to write for her in a long long time , so i’m really excited to bring her here ! as always , if you wanna plot go ahead and LIKE THIS and i’ll happily come love you down . if discord is more your jam , hmu there too @ 𝐛𝐛𝐧𝐨$𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐥#1904 . love y’all !!! 💕💓💕

S T A T S ↴

-- * FULL NAME : mckenna sophia asher -- * NICKNAME(S) : kenna ( preferred name ), kenny , ken , mick -- * AGE : twenty-one -- * D.O.B : may 10th -- * ZODIAC : taurus -- * GENDER : cis-female -- * ORIENTATION : bisexual biromantic -- * HEIGHT : 5″7 -- * NATIONALITY : american ( has dual citizenship in america and wales ) -- * BIRTHPLACE : colwyn bay , wales -- * OCCUPATION : youtuber / makeup artist -- * TRAITS : devoted , ambitious , hard-working , materialistic , stubborn , patient , sensual , reliable , organized , possessive , imbalanced , attention-seeking

B I O G R A P H Y ↴

honestly i am........ too lazy to make this a nice bio so plz forgive me for settling on bullet points ,, but at least that’s less reading for you !!!!

mckenna’s father is from wales and works as a plastic surgeon for the rich and fabulous and her mother is from new york and works a beautician and stylist for celebrities . together they had 5 children in total , the kid in the very middle being kenna . the family spent most of her childhood living in wales before moving to new york just before mckenna started high school

all of her siblings are really talented . it must be in their genes or something to have an affinity for the arts . her older brother is in a popular band . her older sister is a principal dancer . her younger sister is an incredible painter . and her younger brother is like six so he’s still coming into his own but there’s no doubt that he’ll be a prodigy at something

and what about mckenna ??? well she tried following in her brother’s footsteps by learning a bunch of instruments but none of them clicked . after that she tried to take dance classes with her sister but it was clear to see that she had two-left feet . she could barely draw a perfect circle , so painting like her younger sister was out of the question too . eventually she tried to pursue an acting career , auditioning for tv shows and movies but never booking anything more than a handful of commercials

so she spent a majority of her life feeling pretty inadequate compared to her siblings . she just wanted to be good at something , anything really . and she wanted to be praised for it . luckily , she eventually found her thing . though it was sorta unconventional : kenna figured out that she’s good at makeup . it’s basically an art form in itself and since she had the time on her hands to practice , she got pretty good at it

she started posting her looks on social media , gaining a little bit of attention on her instagram and later even starting a youtube channel ( at the time it was called pinkglitter2234 bc she was like 13 and cringey ). doing makeup and making youtube videos was her new favorite pass time and pretty much all she did throughout high school . kids in her school started recognizing her as “the the girl who talks funny and makes youtube videos” ,, so that’s pretty cool ig

it really wasn’t until her senior year that her channel gained a serious following . by the time she graduated she worked her way up to 1m subscribers and just a few hundred thousand away from having 1m on instagram too . CRAZY . and since youtube had become a serious job to her that she wanted to continue doing , she figured that she’d take a gap year off just to focus on that and building her personal brand . so she moved out and got an apartment in the city , paid for all by herself ( though mommy and daddy’s money certainly helped furnish it with all her lavish stuff ) and got to WORK

that ONE gap year turned into a gap... three years ??? she never applied to university and honestly she doesn’t plan to anytime soon ! her social media career has never been more poppin’ tbh . she has like over 8m subscribers on her main channel ( now called makeupmckenna ) and just a little bit under that on her vlog channel . she’s had various partnerships with different makeup brands , colourpopcosmetics , morphe , and lancôme just to name a few . on her channel she also does fashion / styling videos , which has gained her attention from several brands that have sent her pieces to promote and invited her to see their shows at fashion week and whatnot . big money moves basically !!

okay now for her secret : basically ,, kenna is hard-working don’t get me wrong , but she’s also obsessed with increasing her following and is willing to do anything if it means signal boosting herself and becoming more successful . so basically , at one point she made a fake account that posed as one of her “haters” “exposing” her-- and since no publicity is bad publicity , it got more people talking about her and following her . she even made a sob story youtube video in response to the “hate” she was getting and the rumours that were sparking because of it . the account has since been deleted but that doesn’t mean that the screenshots of the rumours aren’t still circulating the internet . it’s been a few years since the “scandal” but that doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t get talked about from time to time

P E R S O N A L I T Y  &  F U N  F A C T S ↴

personality-wise : kenna is a sweetheart ! at least on the outside ! like she lowkey has selfish motives sometimes when it comes to gaining online popularity , but outside of social media she is genuine and goofy and a good friend i swear . would give you the designer clothes off her back if you’re close to her . also affectionate because she’s from a big family that actually has a healthy relationship with each other ( minus kenna’s minor jealousy she used to harbor as a kid... she’s kinda grown out of it now as a young-adult who’s successful in her own right ) so she loves to love . super materialistic though . loves shiny things and owning the newest trendy stuff . definitely thinks that money can buy happiness and she’s super stubborn so you cannot convince her otherwise . loves attention , will do just about anything to get it but if it doesn’t fit her “pristine girl next door” image then she’ll have to do it in secret . and since she has made a name for herself as being “innocent” , she doesn’t party too much . just not a big fan of that lifestyle

just bc she never went to college DOES NOT MEAN that my girl is dumb  .. she actually likes to keep learning new things by constantly reading and trying out new skills . she’s v much a jack of all trades but a master at none . minus her ability to beat her face and talk to a camera lol

she’s fluent in both english and welsh , and used to have an accent when she was younger but has since taught herself to sound super american . she thinks it makes her more appealing idk

very family orientated and keeps in close contact with her siblings and parents despite the fact that they live all around the world doing their own things

has collabed with loads of famous peeps not just for youtube videos but getting to do their makeup for gigs . she’s gotten to a point in her career where she’s able to bridge the gap between influencer and professional artist y’know what i mean ??

loves dogs . has a dog named tate who frequently makes appearances in her posts :)))

consumes an unhealthy amount of caffeine daily

doesn’t know how to drive . doesn’t even have a license or anything and who knows if she’ll ever learn tbh

she’s bisexual but has only come out to her close friends and family . hasn’t outwardly said anything to her following but they can probably make assumptions considering who she’s been seen getting close to . like it’s not a big deal to her , she likes who she likes , but also doesn’t think it’s anyone else’s business besides whoever she’s dating / sleeping with at the time

W A N T E D  C O N N E C T I O N S ↴

EDIT : i have in fact made a wc page so peep that here if ya want ! xox

[spideyxchelle]

happy valentine’s day

or Peter tries to sneak MJ into the Avenger’s compound for some pre-Valentine’s Day shenanigans. it does not go to plan. 

“Do you know what’s cool?” May poses, as she throws open her nephew’s bedroom door to the mutual screaming of two half-dressed teenagers. “Leaving the door open, like we discussed.” Peter tosses his blanket over his girlfriend and fumbles for the white t-shirt she discarded not-even five minutes ago. 

Thankfully, his Aunt doesn’t linger, but he feels the swooping embarrassment of being caught rush through him with a vengeance. He starts to scramble after his Aunt, to explain, to apologize. Michelle grumbles into his pillow, “Oh my god, don’t follow her.” 

His girlfriend is smarter than he is, certainly, but he doesn’t want May to think he’s some kind of derelict. That, and he is a teenage boy that doesn’t know when to leave certain things alone. “Wait, May...”

She yanks a pot down from the top cupboard in their kitchen. “Oh no,” she shakes her head, “honey, we aren’t going to talk about this. Just, uh, keep your door open.”

He flushes down to his toes, and says, “We weren’t doing anything.”

May tuts, “Oh, so, you were administering a breast exam on MJ, then? I didn’t realize you were a certified professional.”

He has to clamp down on the urge to smart that, in fact, he is a professional when it comes to his girlfriend’s breasts. He doesn’t think either women would appreciate his comment. 

Michelle toddles up behind him, fully dressed and appropriately sheepish in behavior. She tucks some hair he utterly ruined behind her ear, “Hey, May. Sorry about that.”

His Aunt waves her off with a smile, “It’s fine. I get it. That’s why we have the door rule.” Peter feels the accusation in her words. He flinches. May fills the pot with water, “Tea, MJ?”

Three empty tea cups later, Michelle curls into his side sleepily on his couch as they watch the fifth straight episode of some crappy True Crime show. Michelle is obsessed. And Peter is obsessed with his girlfriend, so she gets to decide what they watch on Netflix. 

Peter squeezes her shoulder, affectionately, and MJ positively purrs. Peter shutters, his body rallying to the dashed cause from earlier. Michelle kisses the length of his neck and whispers, “If you think I’m going to try anything with your Aunt home, especially after earlier, you’re crazy.”

He groans, defeated, “It shouldn’t be this hard to be alone with you.” 

Michelle teases, “Hard isn’t your problem, Parker.” 

He nips at her ear and she laughs and it is everything. God, he loves this girl. He loves her so much that he is literally dying for any measure of alone time. 

Which is when he has the most brilliant idea.

“Hey, you, uh, up for a drive?”

Michelle shakes her head, “We aren’t having sex in a car. We did that last month and my back still hasn’t recovered.”

Peter blushes and counters, “How about going upstate?”

Look, Peter Parker has a bedroom at Avengers’ Headquarters. He doesn’t occupy it much, only the odd mission here or there, but Tony had always insisted that he would have a home upstate. Even after, well, even after, his bedroom is still there for whenever he needs it. 

And he needs it.

It is only hours until Valentine’s Day. He needs to wiggle-in some alone time with his girlfriend that, without question, will not engage in any romantic dalliances on Valentine’s Day proper. He knows she has a thing about Valentine’s Day. And so, if he isn’t permitted to touch her tomorrow, he can sure as hell touch her tonight. 

Or that had been his plan before May basically kicked down the door to his little bedroom in Queens.

He is hoping upstate will be more generous to his sex life.

There is a long road that leads up to the entrance to HQ and Peter turns the lights off on his crappy, rundown car that he repaired with Tony two summers ago. His mentor had insisted that buying a car for Peter on his sixteenth birthday would have been too easy. Everything in life worth having is worth working for, or something like that. Peter hadn’t listened much. He had been buzzing from the excitement about having any kind of car.

Now that Tony was gone, the beatdown rust bucket was a treasure.

Except it was not the most inconspicuous car.

It hums when he turns the lights off and begins to make a little boom-shacka-shacka noise as he peddles along to the momentous Avengers’ structure. Michelle hides her face in her hands, “This is not subtle, Peter.”

Peter rubs the dashboard tenderly, “Don’t listen to her, Mary Jane. You’re the best car to ever car.”

His girlfriend replies, “She’s the loudest car to ever car, that’s for sure.”

Miraculously, they manage to pull-up to the surprisingly quiet headquarters without being spotted. Peter parks in one of the numerous empty parking spots, and when Mary Jane sputters off, Michelle observes, “Is nobody here or something?”

Peter squints up at the dark windows, “I don’t know.” He turns to look at his girlfriend and gets hit by that pesky affection that always overwhelms him whenever he looks at her. Fuck.

She notices him watching and nervously tucks the curly tendril that hangs in her eyes behind her ear. “What?” she demands with no bite, but a far amount of apparent self-conscious energy.

He closes the distance between them and kisses her. His hand cups the back of her head, his fingers weaving through her curls. She makes the smallest, most feminine noise and it unfurls in his chest like a blooming flower. When he pulls away, after a moment, her eyes are still sweetly closed, like she is holding on to his warmth. He has to peck her nose for that. It is too much tenderness for his already fond heart.

She swats at his shoulder playfully when they climb out of the car. Peter grins at her. And then, feels the hair on his arms spring to life in warning. He tucks MJ behind his body and folds them back behind the car to hide.

His girlfriend frowns and pointedly whispers, “What the hell, Peter?”

“AND THEN I SAID,” Thor booms, stomping over to his tiny car that is built for boys and not Norse Gods with arms the size of tree trunks, “I greatly enjoyed fighting with her and would like to do so in the future, but she has yet to take me up on my offer. Perhaps I misunderstood our connection.”

The scratchy, uncertain voice of Bruce Banner replies, “I dunno, Thor. Whatever is going on between you and Valkyrie is kind of, you know, between you and Valkyrie. I prefer to keep out of it.”

“What has she said to you, my friend? I know you two often go to Mr. Cheese’s place of games to eat pizza and be merry.”

Michelle smothers a laugh behind her hand and Peter buries his nose in her hair to suppress his own grin.

Bruce chuckles, “Its Chuck E. Cheese and I keep telling her there are better pizza places on Earth, but she’s very attached to the claw games.”

Michelle chokes on a snort. It echoes. The two teens freeze. Peter hears Thor yank his hammer free from the belt he keeps it hanging on for ease. He calls, “Who goes there?”

Peter yanks on Michelle’s arm, trying to guide her away from the car as covertly as they can manage. He knows the back door to the compound is nearby and if they can just manage to avoid running into Banner and Thor, well, they are home free.

Banner sighs, “Nobody is there, Thor.”

“I heard them!” Peter manages to swipe against the door in the darkness and he does an internal dance. Delicately, quietly and so, so softly, he pries open the door. It squeaks a little. Thor thunders, “See? I told you. Noise.”

Peter ushers MJ into the backdoor and just before he closes the door, he locks eyes with Banner. Peter freezes. The jig is up. They are caught. He is never going to get to have sex with his girlfriend now. Then, the strangest thing happens—the kindly scientist winks at Peter and turns Thor around, not facing the backdoor, and tuts, “You’re imagining things.”

The door clicks closed. They are safe in the compound and Michelle falls against the heavy, metal door. “That,” she says, “was very close.”

Peter nods and falls beside her.

She smirks, “Chuck E. Cheese?” 

It takes the two teenagers a bit of time and sleuthing to make it past the kitchen and Natasha, up the stairs to avoid Carol, and past a series of labs housing Shuri to make it into the housing wing of HQ. When they arrive at Peter’s door, he fishes for his key, the one he keeps in his backpack, the one he is always losing. And, just his fucking luck, Peter comes up short. 

Michelle nudges her boyfriend, “What’s the matter.”

He pales, considerably, “I can’t find my key.”

“What?!” she quietly hisses.

“I can’t find my key,” he repeats.

Michelle drops her head against his shoulder and he can feel how beaten she is by the entire evening. Sex should not be a stressful thing. Or, at least, it should be stressful in the normal ways, like, the am-I-doing-this-right ways or the holy-crap-this-feels-very-good-do-not-finish-yet-Peter ways. Being thwarted by his Aunt and trying to sneak around an Avengers compound was not normal.

Then again, Peter Parker was not a normal kid.

He sighs and scratches the back of her head, “I’m sorry. I wanted tonight to be, I dunno, special. And I’ve dragged us all the way up here and lost my key and you had to sneak away from Thor…”

She mumbles into the fabric of his shirt, “I love you, dork. You don’t have to try so hard.”

He stutters, “W-what?”

Michelle lifts her head from his shoulder and pecks his dumbfounded mouth. “I know this is about Valentine’s Day, okay? And, so what, we don’t get to have sex at the compound, and we don’t get to close the door at your house, and you definitely can’t do anything at my house under threat of death from my older brothers. Its fine. I just….like spending time with you. Everything else is just extra.” She looks so embarrassed, like she might ask him to stare at the wall so she can get her face under control.

And, fuck, Peter loves her.

“I’m gonna get this door open,” he asserts.

“Peter, its okay—”

“No,” he cuts her off. “I know you don’t need the extra stuff. And being with you however we’re together, even just watching t.v., is enough for me, too. But I dragged you all the way up here. And I really like your boobs. So.”

She laughs. It lightens everything. She makes everything so, so much better.

Peter clears his throat, “You, uh, might want to step back.”

Her eyes widen, “You are not going to punch down the door.”

“MJ, please.” He pulls his fist back.

“Peter Parker, I swear to God—”

He squeals. He never gets to knock the door in. Vision comes floating through the damn thing. “Mr. Parker,” he smiles, observing the shell-shocked, teenage superhero. “Miss Jones,” he address MJ.

His girlfriend slowly raises her hand in hello, “Uh, hey, Vision.”

“Pleasure to see you both.” There is one awkward beat that passes between the three of them before Vision adds, “Well, goodnight.”

Peter gallops after him, “Wait, wait. Can you, uh, can you open my door for me?” Peter hears Michelle facepalm somewhere behind him. He knuckles through his blush and waits.

Vision quickly assess the situation. He reads it, and Peter feels his skin crawl. “Are you allowed to be here, alone, with a girl, Peter?”

It cuts him to the bone and Peter tries not to squeak a response, “C’mon, man. It’s Valentine’s Day.” MJ groans. Peter ignores her, “Help me out.”  

“Technically, it is February 13th,” Vision corrects him. Peter gives up. This whole idea was stupid anyway. Stupid, stupid, stupid. “But,” Vision says. Peter perks up.

The other Avenger floats through the wall and unlocks it from the inside. Peter has never been so gratified to hear the click of a door. Never in his young life. The click is almost erotic. Michelle must know he thinks so, because she rolls her eyes at him.

Vision walks out the now open door and smiles, “Enjoy February 13th, Mr. Parker.”

He throws his arms around Vision and squeezes him tight, “Thank you.”

The other man, computer, Avenger must dislike the contact because he phases and Peter falls right through him. “Yes, well, goodnight.”

Michelle slides her hand into Peter’s and squeezes the tips of his fingers. He turns to his girlfriend and grins stupidly, “An open door.”

She bites her lip, trying not to laugh, “I see that.”

He sweeps her up in his arms and carries her over the threshold. She looks distinctly unimpressed, but curious. And it is that curiosity he banks on, when they fall to his bed.

He slants his mouth over hers and tears a passionate, searching kiss from her. Between their mouths, she whispers, quietly, “I’m not still not celebrating Valentine’s Day.”

“Hey, Em?” Peter whispers.

“Hmm?” she hums.

“Shut up.” And he kisses her quiet. At long last. 

[cryoculus]

Hi! I saw your ask box is open, so if it's not too much trouble could you please write a Kenma x reader piece? Like Reader is Kuroo's little sister and comes to practice sometimes so the whole team knows her. And Kenma comes over on a weekend, or something, and Kuroo leaves them alone for a minute and when he comes back, Kenma and the reader are snacking and bae-ing in quiet.

» Word Count: 1,885 words

Oh gOD this was sent like a week ago I think. I’m terribly sorry. *ninety-degree bow*

Kenma was…interesting.  

He had been ever since your brother, Tetsurou, managed to befriend the younger boy when you were children. You and him were the same age, but you’ve always thought that Kenma was wiser beyond his years.   

And you continued to think so as the three of you grew up.   

The two boys had an inexplicable affinity towards volleyball…well, at least Tetsurou did. With the two of you being the only kids Kenma was comfortable being around, he eventually got lugged in on your big brother’s obsession for the sport.   

Considering his small build, most would assume that he’s not cut out for athletics, especially volleyball. Hell, you’d seen yourself the way that the third years in the Nekoma Volleyball Club treated him poorly when you were both first years. 

But of course, your big brother, ever the shining knight in armor, swooped down just in time to remind Kenma just how great he was at what he’s doing. Not everyone can become the official team setter in their first year. 

Then, he dyed his hair.

You didn’t know what was going through his mind when Kenma made such a major decision. He never consulted either you or Tetsurou about it; he hadn’t mentioned a single word implying that he’s going to bleach his hair freaking blond. 

One day, as you and Tetsurou were about to fetch your friend for a walk to school together, Kenma suddenly appeared out of his doorstep with a too saturated shade of yellow coating what was originally his jet black hair.

Tetsurou hollered hideously, clutching his stomach as he gasped for air. “K-Kenma, what did you do your hair?” 

His face reddened at your brother’s unwarranted reaction. A hand reached up to scratch the back of his neck, probably crumbling under embarrassment.

“I didn’t want to…stand out,” he muttered faintly.

Your brother stifled his laughter. “But you did the exact opposite, though.”

“Nii-chan, you’re being a prick!” You smacked him upside his head, to which he responded with a yelp. 

“W-what? It’s true!”

Irked, you grabbed him by the ear and twisted until he begged for your forgiveness. Tetsurou could really go over his head sometimes. 

“Don’t ask me, ask him!” You pointed towards Kenma, who’s eyeing your banter bizarrely. 

“I’m sorry, Kenma! Maybe you should’ve just went with brown first before dropping this bomb in our faces so suddenly.”

“That was barely an apology!” 

“Can we just go?” Kenma interrupted, seeing that these kinds of exchanges between you and Tetsurou could go on for hours.

As you made your way through the busy streets that led to Nekoma, you walked a few steps behind your brother and Kenma, admiring the latter’s bold choice of hair dye. 

You thought his hair looked pretty, but you wouldn’t tell him that.

As your second year in high school rolled in, you’ve been attending the volleyball club’s practices more frequently. Tetsurou was the new captain now, and holding that position usually meant that he’d be the one calling the shots on-court. 

That was not the case.

You watched idly by the bleachers as they practiced with a team that came all the way from Miyagi. The tension between the coaches was, for some reason, far more severe than that of the players on the court. 

This was one of the rare times you saw Kenma with a sly smile stretching on his lips as he played a full game. It was probably influenced by that orange-haired player from the other team that had energy levels that rivalled Bokuto’s. 

But so far, in most of the games you’ve watched, Tetsurou hardly ever gave commands, especially when Kenma was in the front row. Nekoma’s plays revolved around their setter, to whom they trusted the fate of the match with. 

When the game finished with Nekoma as its victor, you rushed down to the court, eyes sparkling with glee. 

“Kenma, that was really cool!” You jumped up and down before encasing him in a hug. But when you remind yourself how he feels about physical contact, you broke away immediately.

Surprised at your sudden appearance, his lips part a little, but he bowed as a thanks. “I do my best.” 

“Kenma, is she your girlfriend?” The orange-haired player from earlier asked.

The words took a little late for your mind to register.

You? Kenma’s girlfriend?

“No!” you exclaimed, fleeing from the scene before the midget from the other team could ask more questions. 

“Tch,” Kenma remarked, “I was the one he’s talking to.” 

You’ve got it bad for him, you realized.

Whenever you headed home with Tetsurou and Kenma after their practices, you’d always find yourself walking a little bit closer to the setter whose eyes were glued to his DS. You didn’t really say anything to him, you simply settled with watching him play Mario Kart over his shoulder. 

At school, since the two of you were classmates, you’d often try to grab his attention in whatever way you can. Annoying him? Check. Asking if he could share some of his hotdog octopi with you? Check. Wondering he could tutor you on a lesson you already knew about? Check. 

You’ve tried all the tricks in the book, and it wouldn’t be a surprise if Kenma already picked up on the way your stares lingered a little too long on him when you parted ways going home; the way his name sounded a bit more endearing when you spoke it; and the way your smile stretched a little wider with him than when you talk to other people. 

What’s worse was that his black roots were starting to show. Even if your good-for-nothing brother officially dubbed him as ‘pudding head’, the first thing that went through your mind when you first notice the outgrowth of his hair was: Oh, no. He’s hot. 

You struggled with these intrusive feelings for a while, unsure if you should go up to him and just spill so it could be gotten over with. Never did you consider the chances of Kenma liking you back. Was he even capable of liking anyone in general? You didn’t know.

Well, you didn’t want to know. 

“Oi.”

You quirked a brow at your brother as you finished the rest of your cereal. What could he want so early on a Saturday morning?

“Kenma’s coming over.”

Oh. 

“What, do you need my blessing or something?” you wondered. 

He shrugged. “Just thought you’d want to know.” 

You did. 

Tetsurou informed that the setter would be dropping by at around ten in the morning. It was nine-thirty and your nerves were all over the place. 

You made sure every corner of the living room was swept to perfection, every throw pillow fluffed, and every piece of furniture dusted. A small, nagging voice at the back of your mind prattled on about how this wasn’t the first time Kenma was visiting, so why were you making such a huge fuss over it?

Before you could come up with an answer yourself, the doorbell rang, and your heart nearly leapt out of your chest.

Tetsurou was the one who answered it. It was the mailman.

Calm the fuck down, you thought. It’s not even—

“Hey, Kenma!”

Behind the said mailman, Kenma made his way to your front door, eyes indifferent as he let himself in. When the mailman was done handing sealed bills to Tetsurou, your older brother shut the door behind him. 

Desperate to seem as casual as you could, you flung yourself onto the sofas, feigning a ‘comfy’ position with stiff posture. Nice. Very casual looking of you.

Kenma took a seat beside you, greeting you with a curt nod. Tetsurou explained that your dad got some Blu-rays in the cabinets, but if he wanted, you could all just settle for a good Netflix series. Kenma insisted on the latter. 

“I’m just going to give these to Mom,” Tetsurou informed as he made his way up the flight of stairs. “Don’t do anything weird while I’m gone.”

Your eyes narrowed at his remark. Nothing remotely weird ever took place whenever you’re left alone with Kenma during these movie marathons. Tetsurou knew that. 

Unless…

You handed Kenma the remote, who promptly selected End of the F***ing World to play on the TV. You’ve watched the show about a dozen times already, so you’re familiar with James’ introductory monologue at the beginning. 

“I’m James. I’m seventeen. And I’m pretty sure I’m a psychopath.”

Yep. What a good show needs was straightforward introductions of its characters’ personalities. 

Right after James uttered the words on-screen, you could’ve sworn Kenma moved closer to you by a few inches. Huh. Must be a figment of your imagination.

As the edgy teenage lead went over a part of his backstory, you could tell that Kenma was definitely closer to you than he was two minutes ago. But you thought nothing of it and continued to watch the show, dismissing your observations as a mistake. 

By the time Alyssa made her appearance in the frame, the distance between your shoulder and Kenma’s was but a hair’s width. You gulped. 

What exactly were you supposed to make of this now? You’ve been friends for years, yes, but the closest you’ve got to Kenma was when you accidentally hugged him after their game with the orange-haired midget. You drew blanks every time you tried to recall any other time where space was this absent between the two of you. There’s no protocol regarding what course of action to take when the shy boy was the one making moves on you. 

Then, when Alyssa and James began making out with a considerable lack of passion, Kenma’s hand suddenly ensnared yours. The contact made your eyes widen in disbelief. You alternated looks between the union of your hands and his indifferent expression, but made no moves to remove your hand from his grasp. 

They felt…soft. Even after practice after practice, toss after toss, his hands were undeniably soft. 

You liked it. 

Your eyes glazed over his face. His hair framed his face suitably, giving more emphasis to his darkening roots. You liked this look on him far too much for your own sanity. You wondered why your brother was the one popular with the girls when this boy right here had a pair of golden eyes that could kill a man. 

But maybe, you’re a little lucky that you have little to no competition when it came to Kenma. Not that you were implying that there was something to fight for in the first place. You weren’t even sure how he felt about you!

At the corner of your eye, you could see a figure dipping his head from the openings in the staircase. Tetsurou snickered to himself, seeing that his plan had come to fruition so quickly. 

You’d deal with your pesky, match-making older brother later. If you so much as utter a single word that could shatter the comfortable silence that permeated the air, you felt like you wouldn’t be able to bask in this chance again. You couldn’t stand the idea.

Kenma was a man of a few words. Most of the time, you’d get a more sincere vibe from him if he did things for you. 

And that’s exactly what you wanted.

[byul-bit-arae]

Boyfriend Taeyong

“When I fall in love, it will be forever.  Or I’ll never fall in love. In a restless world like this is–   Love is ended before it’s begun. And too many moonlight kisses, Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun."

*Silently slides this across the table and leaves* I'll just leave this here.

.

.

Ok but

Ok ok ok 

*Grabs tissues, blankets, desserts* gotta get real ready for this now

*Pushes up virtual glasses bc I always forget to wear mine shh we don't talk about that* boyfriend taeyong you say?

Well I saY GTFO I DONT WANNA DIE OF TOO MUCH FEELS SIS

Ok jk come back ere I would die everyday for one (1) human being and that's Lee Taeyong

.. wait wat

Anyway

This kid dude is literally t h e best bf you could ever have like what ????

You see all those shitty posts/texts/ads about perfect boyfriends??? Yeah just like that

Or maybe better

Way better

Taeyong would love you with A L L OF HIS HEART 

He's basically a five-year-old who only sees you, and like, nothing else.

Except for chocolate but like, nothing else

Like before you guys start dating

And that would probably be a GOOD while bc this pure lil child doesn't even know what dating is (no I'm serious have you seen that article)

Srsly tho 

Not just that but he seems to me like the type to take relationships very seriously 

Like blind dates and one night stands wouldn't be his thing, he wouldn't fancy them and just, no

He probably believes in those fictional perfect love stories

And is well aware it might take time to find the right person and is okay with waiting his whole life for it

He just secretly hopes it's soon k

And then he meets u

And wow Lee Taeyong the quiet cold-ish dude who?

More like LEE TAEYONG THE CUTEST FLUSTERED AWKWARD BALL OF FLUFF

When he saw you the first time he could swear he got like star struck or something

He gets all flustered at everything you do and he doesn't know why

Like WHAT IS HAPPENING WHY AM I BEING LIKE THIS WHAT IS THIS 

BODY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

BRAIN WHAT IS THIS MESS

HEART STOP POUNDING LIKE CRAZY OKAY THANKS

Like you smile and he's a mess, you just sit there and he's a mess, you pout and he's a mess, you look at him and he's a M E S S ™

And he doesn't even know why bc he never felt like this towards someone

He'd probably meet you through one of the members

Yuta, your close friend, finally decided to introduce you to his 'brothers'

He calls them his brothers but then it took him like three years to introduce you guys bc he's one hell of an overprotective best friend, or mom, over you

"Hey guys I can't believe I'm doing this but this is my little cute precious best friend Y/N and no you can't talk to her"

"Um yuta pls calm down"

Anyways

So the first meeting goes on great I mean the guys are all super kind and funny 

And so you start meeting them more often!!

And Taeyong--

istg this kid--

Like he sees you, and some fictional chibi monster starts gnawing at his insides

#SaveLeeTaeyong2k18

Like you noticed how he's kind of quiet around you and stuff but then yuta reassured you saying he's just a bit introverted and it'd take him time to open up

Bc tbh you actually thought he didn't really fancy your presence?? Since he looked really quiet and basically expressionless? and you'd like catch him glaring holes into your head from the corner of your eye??

BUT GURL LITTLE DID YOU KNOW THAT HE IS JUST WAY TOO WHIPPED HE KEEPS STARING DROOLING AT YOU

IT'S JUST THAT HIS POKER FACE LOOKS A BIT INTIMIDATING

BUT HE'S REALLY ALL UNDER YOUR SPELL OK LIKE YOU'RE SOME FALLEN ANGEL OR IDK OK.

ANYWAYS.

So it'd take him some time to start being comfortable around you

Considering that he's an introvert; a whipped introvert to be exact

But eventually you guys will get friendlier

And that would make him know more stuff about you and wow he never thought he could like you even more but here we are ??

Also the way you take care of the dreamies just !!! Makes his heart go !!!!!!

You just find them really cute and feel the need to protect them from all evil

Also winwin, bc take notes, winwin invented cute 

And how you'd be especially close to mark 

And you'd be his fav noona too

Aw.

And how you're so so kind w the older guys too

And Taeyong just-- admires you so so much

Bc he loves his friends so dearly and the fact that you love them too and take care of his beloved ones makes him so happy, he just appreciates it a lot

And legit keeps staring at you from a distance with a sweet smile as you put a scarf over jisung before he goes out or you hand winwin a new book about Korean poetry that you bought for him

And then probably Johnny passes by and lightly smacks his head to wake him from his day dreams and whispers

"Dude stop that's so creepy"

Oh btw

Everyone in the dorm knows about his crush on you

E V E R Y O N E .

Probably even their pets

This child is so bad at not getting flustered at the mere thought of you someone protecc

And the guys tease him the whole time omg

Like even the younger ones

He swears to ground them like ten times a day but ends up forgetting bc he'd be so flustered

AND SO ONE DAY 

You probably get left in the dorm alone w him

Don't ask me how yuta agreed to that ok I might be the author but evEN IDK K BYE.

And so you start chatting

Probably while cleaning the mess made by another seventeen wild horses

And you both find it funny how at first you were so so distant and awkward

And now here you are casually picking up chenle's underwear from the floor and throwing it with the laundry

And you tell him how you thought he was unfriendly at first and he laughs it off

And he tells you how he watched how you treated his brothers before opening up to you

And you're like ooOooOOoH so that's why, I thought you were glaring @ me and you actually hated me

And ty would literally snap like ARE YOU KIDDING ME I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS DEEP IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE MY WHOLE LIFE---

And you're like wait what

And he's like wait what.

DING! NEW LEVEL OF SOFT UNLOCKED

HE WOULD BE LITERALLY FREAKING OUT AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY HIS BRAIN WOULD BE ALL LIKE UNKNOWN ERROR ABORT MISSION A B O R T MISSIO--

"Taeyong it's okay I like you too

It's actually really relieving since I thought you didn't feel the same so I was a bit gloomy"

And then he apologizes for the misunderstanding

And at that moment jeno barges in and he's like um sorry am I interrupting something

And before you say anything he's like oh shit I'm really interrupting something sorry BYEEEE

But then he opens the door again and he's like okay ONE last question hyung did you ask her out yet

And ty is like jeNO I SWEAR TO GOD

And then when jeno leaves bc he realizes he needs to run for his life or else he'll spend the night in the streets,

It's really awkward before you're like

"so uh.. how about we grab some coffee? Like a first date?"

And taeyong tries his best to muster up a good answer until the word "date" leaves your mouth and he's like 1010101010011101 error shutdown sorry.

Anyways so you go out to this cute coffee shop and that's your first awkward date full of tingling feels and chibi monsters gnawing on your insides.

You probably frequent that coffee shop a lot more often after that

Bc coffee shop dates w taeyong are just so adorable

And he's adorable

*mark silently dragging my crying whipped ass away*

Arcade dates are also your thing

Since he's a little bit too obsessed with games

He loves museums too so he'd bring you to a lot of them

Especially art museums

And you're like why should we go when I've got a whole piece of art in front of me

And he blushes and smiles

Late late night dates

Where you just walk around like fools at like three in the morning bc neither of you could sleep

And you probably grab some ice cream

Okay I'm making it sound like you'd be such an outdoor couple when you're not lmao

Okay not rlly

But my point is that you'd prefer cuddling in bed all day over any of those

Not only in bed but really everywhere

Y'all are just so cute and soft

Skinship skinship and a lot of skinship

He can't stay like ten seconds without touching you

idk like he has to grab your hand or hug you or have you hug him or juST BE IN PHYSICAL CONTACT W YOU OK LIKE HE MIGHT DIE OR SMG OK

But there are some small cute things you notice he likes

Like back hugging you when you're doing literally anything

Like you'd be cooking or washing the dishes or freaking wiping away the dust or just looking out the window and he'd waddle to you as if his skinship'o'meter is hitting a critically low level and he needs urgent recharge

He'd then slowly wrap his arms around you so so gently yet you still feel like his whole world depends on that hug

90% of the time he'd rest his chin on your shoulder

Okay not his chin but technically press his lips against your shoulder, crook of neck, neck, collarbones, hairline, the skin behind your ear, your jawline, basically anywhere he could reach

Like they aren't even kisses his lips would just ever so softly ghost around your skin and his nose would nuzzle your crooks

You're dead if you're ticklish

He also likes intertwining fingers

Like not even all fingers but two or three

He'd love link your index and ring fingers as you walk, lay around and whenever he holds your hand which is often

He love love loves when you play with his hair

Kittyong anybody?

Esp as you praise him

Or you cup his cheeks and then your hands slowly creep to his ears and then to play with the hair on the back of his head

Or simply when you're laying down as he rests on your chest

He looooves doing that

Like he doesn't even care if you're boobless he just really loves that 

Sometimes while having really deep conversations

Or when you're cheering him up if he's ever having a rough time

Like you'd gently caress his hair as you tell him all the things you love about him

If he's really really down he'd silently cry and hugs you tighter 

And then end up falling asleep to your soft soothing voice and touch

He's usually very cheerful and hyper though

You'd love spending time in the kitchen tgt

Flour fights aren't that common bc he's usually tidy but they do happen so watch out

He loves cooking for you

And LOVES when you cook for him

Like even the simplest things

You don't really have to be that good at cooking like you'd crack him an egg and he'd be as happy as if you've served him a full course meal

He'd teach you how to cook but wouldn't let you do it like tf

He says to use those skills when he's not home

Although whenever he's leaving for some time he'd stack up the fridge w food that would probably last a year

Very random kisses

Like very random listen to me

You'd be like watching TV or something and he'd suddenly turn and peck your cheek then go back to watching

And you're like ?????

And he's like nothing I just wanted to do it

And you're like ????? uwu

Man I could talk about him all day but no one can afford this 

This is already way longer than all my other boyfriend posts wsdswdsdwdswdws

He just wants to be loved okay give my boi some sarang

Just kidding give him all the sarang lmao

.

.

No really I'm serious.

[fantasticescapism]

Brothers in Everything but Blood - Chapter 2: Meeting Spider-man

Click here for Chapter 1.

Part 4 of the Never Truly Gone series

Also available at AO3.

Harley’s one time visit turned into an overnight, twice a month thing at Tony’s workshop ever since he met Peter. No complaints there; that only meant more time to play with awesome tech and work on the ASM with him. He liked Peter Parker. It's like having a younger, better behaved brother, unlike his sister and her celebrity obsessions.

Although, Harley had a feeling there’s more to him than a genius fellow intern. At first, he thought it was just the often expected jealousy he should feel when he had to share Tony’s time and attention but, he didn’t feel jealous at all. He’s already an older brother to an excitable little sister so, sharing wasn’t a big deal. In fact lately, he’d been feeling a little protective over his new friend in light of the recent things he observed.

There were times when Peter came in with bruises and Harley’s first reaction was anger. His memories of years being bullied at school - along with the fights he had with her sister’s bullies - were pushed to the forefront of his mind. He confronted Peter about it once but the guy’s adamant the bruises were just him being hopelessly clumsy. Harley doubted it though, the steady way Peter handled the dangerous chemicals at the workshop proved otherwise. No, those bruises were from bullies, or maybe New York’s really as dangerous as most folks back home would say.

Harley asked Tony about it once when it was just the two of them - Peter said he would be late - and all he said was, “He’s just clumsy.” Tony sucks at lying. They’ve known each other for years, he should know he couldn’t lie to Harley.

“Right, and I’m more of a saint than Mother Teresa.” Harley raised an eyebrow at his mentor.

“Kid,” Tony sighed before he faced him, “it’s Peter’s business.”

“You’re not the type that would leave things like this alone, especially if it involves someone you personally know.” He narrowed his eyes.

“I know.” A hesitant pause. “Okay, Peter does have a bully-”

“His school’s in Midtown, right?”

“Whoa, wait.” Tony placed his arm around his shoulders. “Are you really going to his school, potato boy?”

“That reminds me. I can test out my new potato gun.”

“New?!” Tony’s incredulous.

“It’s Mark 10.”

“Harley, you- you have to let Peter handle it.”

“I just,” he huffed, “just really hate bullies.”

“I know.” Tony smiled fondly at him. He seemed to be mulling over something before he spoke again. “Alright, those bruises aren’t from this bully. The dickwad never resort to physical harm so, it’s something else.”

“At home?” He scowled.

“Oh no! Aunt Hottie is scary when mad but he loves Peter with her whole life.”

“Okay then.” He’s still determined to find out what’s going on and it looked like Tony’s aware of that.

“It’s not my story to tell but, maybe in time, you’ll figure it out.” Tony’s eyes sparkled like those times he gave him puzzles, confident that he could solve them. Challenge accepted!

---

Peter came in later with a busted lip and a sheepish smile. Tony saw him first and he definitely didn’t like what he saw.

“Kid, what the hell?!” Tony blurted out.

“Sorry, sorry. I know I’m late. It won’t ha-”

“That’s not what he meant, dude! What happened to you?” Harley pointed at his friend’s face. Who the hell did that to him?!

“Oh, uuh… I-I bumped into a street lamp.” Peter blushed.

“Really now?” If Tony’s raised eyebrows could reach his hairline, it would.

“Y-yeah.” Peter let out an embarrassed chuckle. “I’m okay! Just didn’t pay attention.”

“If you say so, here.” Harley sighed and retrieved an ice pack from their mini-fridge and tossed it towards the guy. Harley swore Peter didn’t look at the tossed ice pack. He was about to apologize but Peter effortlessly caught it. It was impressive… and suspicious. “Whoa! Got a sixth sense or somethin’?”

“Just luck! Lucky.” Peter nervously chuckled then gave him a tight-lipped smile. At the corner of his eye, he saw Tony facepalm.

“You got luck in opposite extremes, dude.” Harley laughed when suddenly, he received a notification on his phone. As he pulled it out of his pocket, he absent-mindedly saw Tony walk towards Peter as they conversed in whispers. It was a Twitter notification. His sister often tagged him in memes.

@harhar spidey’s at it again! lmao! you met him yet?

It was a tweet from The Daily Bugle but the source wasn’t important. The picture attached was glorious! it's like the dark clouds parted, a ray of sun bathed him with light and a choir of angels sang Allelujah!

Huh.

Harley grinned like the devil. This would be fun.

---

Harley loved the comfortable silence in the workshop once all three started working. They worked together like a well-oiled machine; not much words needed, just looks and signals. This time though, Harley decided to disrupt the flow a bit.

“So Tony, when are you going to introduce me to Spider-man?” Harley almost snorted when he saw Peter freeze in the corner of his eye. Harley feigned ignorance, of course.

“That depends if he’s free. Why the sudden interest?” Harley looked up and saw Tony’s genuine question.

“Well, my little sister Faith - you remember, wanna be an actress, obnoxious - she’s a huge fan. Like real huge. She even got this life-size cut-out of Spider-man and lugged it around at a party back home.” He desperately reined in his amusement when he saw Peter’s red-as-a-tomato face.

“Really?” Tony narrowed his eyes at him.

“Yeah, here.” He pulled out the photo he took of Faith hugging her Spider-man cut-out from his phone and showed it to Tony. “See?”

“Huh.” Tony smirked. Harley then turned the phone to let Peter see too and he wasn’t disappointed at his reaction.

“Where-where did she-where did she get that?” Peter crossed his arms.

“She’s part of this fan club; said she won it at a raffle.” With wide eyes, Peter looked at Tony at the mention of a fan club. “That’s the internet for you. They have fandoms for pretty much anythin’. Did you guys know there are Spider-man fanfiction stories? She told me all about it.” He gave Tony a slight smirk and at that moment, he knew Tony knows he knew. He watched as Tony’s eyes sparkled with mischief for a second before he played along.

“Is that so? Is it as huge as mine’s.”

“Nah, Spidey's new so there's not that many, yet.” Harley saw Peter desperately trying to get back to work and feign nonchalance but his fidgety fingers won’t let him. “I scanned some of them. There’s action, angst, comedy and then, there’s a lot - and I mean a lot - of smut.”

“W-w-what?!” Oh, Peter. Harley’s delighted though.

“Yeah. One time, when I was really concerned, had to make sure Faith's internet searches are PG so I checked out some of the stories. Faith’s only eleven, by the way.”

“Yeah.” Tony said..

“Yeah, so I stumbled into one story about a risqué night between Spidey and this mugging victim he rescued. He was invited to the victim’s house as a thank you. Then he was offered coffee before they both went in the bedroom where they-”

“Mr. Stark," Peter jumped, "I-I-I have to make a call! Have to tell May I’ll be late. She’ll be mad if I don’t, ya know?”

“You can just use FRIDAY, kid.”

“No, it’s cool, cool, cool, cool. I’ll just-I’ll just step out of the workshop for a bit. Be right back.” Peter almost ran out of the workshop; his face in danger of being permanently red. As soon as the door closed behind him, Tony signalled for FRIDAY to soundproof the workshop before they both laughed their asses off.

“Oh god!” Tony wiped the tears off his eyes. “You’re a little shit, Harley!”

“Can’t help it!” Harley wheezed. “Just wanna confirm my suspicions but Peter just made it so easy!”

“How did you find out?” Harley pulled out the photo from the tweet and showed it to Tony. “Oh great, that's gonna trend."

"It is trending. Got it from a Daily Bugle tweet."

"His Spidey sense - he named it - is still evolving. So…" He gestured at the Harley's phone.

"Whoa! So he does have a sixth sense!"

"Among other things. Are you gonna tell him you know?"

"Nah, I'm just gonna see how long I can keep this goin’." Harley grinned.

---

Apparently, fate decided to speed things along. It was later that day, a few hours before Harley’s supposed to fly back home to Rose Hill, when he told Tony and Peter his plan to go to the city on his own and just experience it all. Oh and, Faith asked for a Spider-man merchandise and apparently, the compound didn’t have a gift shop.

”Seriously? Not even any official Spidey merch?” He was dubious.

”He didn’t accept the Avengers position so, no.” Was that a hint of sadness from Tony? Hmm...

He was tempted to ask Peter where he could buy them but decided to give the guy a break. Instead, he asked FRIDAY and she gave him a list of all possible places, most of them were in Chinatown. So, Chinatown it was. Happy dropped him off at the corner of Broadway and Canal St. with a stern warning.

“Kid, you have an hour. If you’re not in this exact spot later, you find yourself a way to the airport.”

“Awww Happy, your Grumpy is showin’.” He grinned and he earned a glare for that cheek. In true Happy fashion, the tires of the Audi screeched as he drove to get away. Harley chuckled as he walked along Canal St.

New York never failed to fascinate Harley what with all the diverse cultures and personalities he wouldn’t see in Tennessee. There are a lot of bootleg stuff too, perfect for his non-billionaire budget so he thought he could buy a purse for his mom along with the plush Spidey toy for Faith.

It only took him around thirty minutes to buy gifts then food - he got hungry - and walk around Canal St and thought he could go and venture out to smaller streets. Ever since he told his mom about the internship visits to New York, she’d been so worried for him. Can’t blame her though, most stories that came out of New York were of aliens, kidnappings and other crimes. So, before she agreed to the arrangement, she explicitly warned him to be cautious and to not be stupid. Harley knew he was being stupid as soon as he saw three men with baseball bats and metal pipes. They seemed to surround something on the ground and as Harley walked closer, the situation became clearer.

“Just give us the money or else!”

“P-p-please, I-I-I can’t!” A boy cowered in a corner, a backpack in his arms. “It’s m-money for my mom’s m-m-medicine.”

“You think we care ‘bout that?!” The mugger laughed and mocked the boy. “Give us the fucking money or you won’t go back home to your mom!”

Damnit! Harley looked around for something he could use but all he saw was half a brick and a brown broken leg of a table. Well, better than nothin’. He picked up both. He aimed at the leader’s head and threw the brick. Bullseye!The yelp from the guy made Harley smirk.

“Muggin’ a helpless boy,” he tutted, “ya’ll so pathetic.” Harley’s southern accent always got thicker in stressful situations. The guy he threw a brick at growled and stalked towards him.

“Look guys, a country bumpkin!” The others followed suit menacingly.

“Kid,” Harley looked at the cowering boy, “get outta here!” The boy didn’t need telling twice. He stood and ran away from the scene. The muggers continued to walk closer to Harley as they brandished their weapons.

“You shoulda just walked away, southern boy.” Harley clenched his jaw, both hands on the piece of wood he found and braced himself for a fight. One of the guys raised his bat but before he could do more, a web latched on to it and was pulled out of his hands. When the guy looked up, he was webbed and pulled towards the wall where he got stuck.

“What the fuck?!” The other two looked around in fear.

“Hey, guys!” Spider-man landed beside the head mugger then swept the guys leg off the floor. As soon as the guy landed on his ass, Spidey webbed him to the floor. “I’m Spider-man. Nice to meet you!”

Whoa! Harley was amazed! It was one thing to watch Spider-man from potato quality videos and it’s another to see him fight in person. When Spidey successfully webbed up the last guy, Harley just remembered then regretted not pulling out his camera to take a video of it. Damnit! Good job, me.

“Hey, you okay?” Spider-man asked him. Harley looked at the muggers and saw they’re all knocked out. “Are you hurt?”

“No, no, no. I’m good. I’m good. Thanks, Peter. Hoo boy! That was, that was scary! New York, huh?” Harley grinned at Spidey and lightly punched him on the arm but the guy just froze and stared at him, the eyes on his mask were wide open. “What? Whoa!” Spidey suddenly carried him and swung up a building’s empty rooftop.

“Oh my god!” Harley exclaimed as soon as they landed. “That was awesome! So that’s how it felt like! Faith’s not gonna believe this!”

“How did-When did-How-What the-” Spidey seemed like he was about to hyperventilate.

“Ok, calm down. Breathe.” They both took calming breaths and let the adrenaline rush ebb away.

“Did-did Mr. Stark tell you?” Spidey asked as soon as they’re both calm.

“Nah, I figured it out.” He smirked.

“How?” Harley pulled out his phone and showed him the picture from The Daily Bugle tweet. It’s a collage of burst mode photos of Spider-man as he successfully avoided a flying drone but then he swung face first to a street lamp. “Street lamp, huh?” He grinned.

“Wait, that could’ve been just a coincidence.”

“Yeah but your reaction when I told you guys about my sister’s Spidey obsession was hilarious and a dead giveaway. That and the freaky sixth sense you have.” Spidey groaned.

“Are you telling me that-that smut story was real?!”

“Nah, I made that up.” Harley chuckled as the other huffed in relief. Then again, Harley’s a little shit. “But there are Spidey smut fanfics. Loads of them.” He cackled when Spidey groaned.

“Can’t believe this.”

“Oh please, you’re a nerd. You’re in the Star Wars fandom. You should know these things.”

“Yeah but, I’m just-just Spider-man.” He shrugged.

“Hey, you’re doing great things. You save people so of course a lot of them would love you. Just umm,” Harley side hugged Spidey, “if you don’t want to be scarred, don’t google yourself without SafeSearch on.”

“Harley!” He gasped. Harley couldn’t help but let out an evil laugh.

“Come on, that’s solid advice.”

“Oh my god!”

“Ok, seriously, what else can you do? Those webs aren’t organic, right?”

“No, I made them.”

“That explains the huge bottles of chemicals in the workshop.”

“I have umm, enhanced strength, senses, really fast healing and I stick to everything.”

“Everything? Even a sheer surface like glass?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm, interesting. Even a non-stick pan?”

“I umm… I actually don’t know. I’ll test it out later.”

“Let me know, okay?” Harley grinned.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Oh, before I forget, do you mind if I take a selfie with you?” Someone in Tennessee’s gonna flip.

“No, it’s okay.” After they took a selfie, Harley sent it over to his sister and, as he expected, he received a Facetime request. “Oh umm. Brace your ears.” He warned before he accepted. A piercing squeal - the pigeons perched at the rooftop flew to get away from the noise - came from Harley’s phone as Faith’s image appeared.

“HARLEY!!!!!!!!”

“Hey sis, meet my friend.”

“Hi, Faith!” Spidey waved and Faith let out another squeal. Harley could feel Spidey freeze by his side.

“Jeez Faith, stop screeching! You’re hurting his ears. He’s got enhanced senses.”

“Sorry, sorry…” Faith whispered. “Oh my god, you know my name. Hi Spidey, I love you!” She used her hands to form a heart shape.

“Umm…” Harley could tell he didn’t know how to respond to that.

“Faith...” Harley warned.

“Okay, okay… Sorry. It’s just, I’m a big fan! Hi!”

“Sis, you get one question then Spidey needs to go fight crime and save people, alright?”

“Okay, umm… Do you have a girlfriend?” Harley rolled his eyes. Of all the- He should’ve seen this coming.

“Umm, no. No, I don’t.” Bless his heart. He bravely answered. Faith screamed again.

“Alright, that’s enough. Bye, Faith!”

“No, wait! Wai-” Harley ended the call and sighed.

“Sorry about that.”

“No, no, no, it’s fine.”

“Don’t let that get in your head.”

“No, of course not!”

“Good. Oh, shit!” Harley looked at his watch. “Happy’s gonna kill me.”

“Come on, I’ll get you there faster.” Spidey, with his arm around Harley’s waist, lifted him before he jumped off the building. Harley loved the feeling of swinging. It was like being on a rollercoaster. It gave him an idea though. What if one day he could fly too?

---

Before going to bed that night, Harley grinned as he received a message from Peter. It’s a photo of a pan stuck on his hand with a message, “Yup, I can.”

[spacerhapsody]

TOP 10 characters :D

(You are the best! :D)

I’ve decided to go with the ones that are some kind of all-time favourites because otherwise I wouldn’t even know where to start. So, here we go, in no particular order, because that would just be cruel:

James Flint (Black Sails) Listen, I’d follow this man into battle, into ruin, and probably even into hell, he’s such a great character, there is so much, so much pain, anger, emotions, and yet still all that softness underneath. He killed a man with his bare hands in the very first episode and yet I just knew. That’s him, that’s the one. Also, starting a war on England because England was a homophobic asshole? Your fav could never.

Julio Richter/Rictor (Marvel)X-Factor Investigations was the series that got me into comics (in hindsight a questioable decision on its own, but w/e), so maybe that’s part of the reason why he’ll always have a special place in my heart, but I just love everything about him, from his ridiculous fashion sense to the years he spent so deep in the closet he was basically in Narnia. Also, the way his depression gets handled still breaks me every time. Also², Rictor/Shatterstar is possibly one of the best things Marvel ever created (OTP: It can only be you.

Ronan Lynch (The Raven Cycle)Oh my god, Ronan. Who appears to be so sharp, acts like the badass troublemaker, and is just so angry so often, but actually took a baby raven out of his dreams, dreamt up a baby brother who’s all sunshine and happiness, whose softness somehow can’t even be taken away by the darkest things and places, and who just loves the few people he cares about so goddamn much, how could I not love him?Also, because I still remember the discussion about this, he was clearly written as gay from the very beginning, but in the most hilarious way. (Comparing Blue’s dress to a lampshape, and then “Whatever sort of lamp it belonged on, Gansey clearly wished he had one. Ronan wasn’t a fan of lamps.“? ICONIC. Also “I’m always straight.” - “Oh man, that’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told.”)

Percy Weasley (Harry Potter)Probably the most controversial of them all on Tumblr, but you can pry my love for Percy from my cold, dead hands. I’ve ranted about this a lot, but let me rant just about this one thing again: When it comes down to it, he doesn’t really fit into his family who are all loud and chaotic, when he’s just… not. And it’s not even like they have nothing in common, it’s just that nobody makes an effort to really understand him or to really get to know him, this frustrates me to no end, okay, because there are so many layers there and I love all of them so much!

Donna Noble (Doctor Who)DONNAAAAAA! Of all the characters who deserved so much better, she’s really reduced me to screaming her name into the void every time I see something about her/think about her, because SHE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER, she deserved the universe, and she deserved to remember it. Also, she’s probably my favourite companion of all time because her dynamic with Ten is hands down the best (”You’re not mating with me, sunshine.”). She takes no shit from him, but it’s not like she’s harsh or anything, she’s got so much compassion, and she managed to be awesome without having a special connection to the Doctor or some ~mystery~ about her to solve.

Daisuke Motomiya (Digimon)Light of my life, miracle child of mine! He gets so much shit in and out of universe, with everyone thinking he’s just an idiot, but he is so brave, so optimistic despite the way almost everyone treats him and everything happening to him and his friends, so full of love. I’ve said it again and again, but the world truly would be a better place with more people like him, and everyone’s life would be so much better with a friend like him.

Alex Drake (Ashes to Ashes)I’ve mentioned her actress in the reply to that last ask, and obviously all of her outfits and hairstyles are such a “do I want to be you or do I want to be with you” mood, it’s the best/worst (I am weak for the 80s, I never stood a chance).But also, she’s such a good lead and character! I was super sceptical after Life on Mars because I thought nobody could be as interesting as Sam Tyler in a setting like this, but I think she totally beat him in personality and chemistry with Gene hunt, and that’s gotta say something.

Sirius Black (Harry Potter)Okay, I tried to include only one character per fandom, but Sirius Black has been one of the first characters I’ve ever been kind of obsessed with (I remember drawing sketches in my homework planner of me going after Bellatrix Lestrange for killing him, this feels like a lifetime ago), and I feel like the older I get, the more – and deeper – reasons to love him I find.I mean, he’s already got bonus points for the cool hair, leather jacket and motorcycle stuff (plus, he’s like 100% gay, fight me JKR), but he’s also a fucking mess. Even before Azkaban, but both that and the way he grew up and then walked away from his family probably bring out his flaws even more, and it’s great, because all of this makes him such an interesting character.

Zuko (Avatar: The Last Airbender)How often can you cry over the same character arc? Because is2g, I do every single time, it’s just so well done. In terms of redemption arcs, it set the bar so fucking high that I don’t think I’ve seen anything ever since that came close.And, I mean. He’s got all that angst from his history with his father and Azula and the path that sent him on, there’s so much growth that I could talk about that alone for ages, but he’s also just so awkward and such a goddamn idiot, it’s so perfect.

Tonda (Krabat)This one might seem a bit out of place (does anyone even know this book?) but 11-year-old me fell in love with him when we were reading this book at school, and the rest is history. I’ve been rereading it a few times over the last 20 years because I still love it and somehow always find new things to fall in love with, but what always stays the same is my love for Tonda. His story still kind of breaks my heart, and his friendship with Krabat probably even more. Characters who’ve been through so much but still are caring and want to protect their friends? GOD, YES.

[cinnbar-bun]

Why Vane is the Bestest Boy Ever

Welcome to my TEDtalk this is some real stuff ya’ll NEED to hear because Vane is the absolute best ( to me at least). Sorry this is jumbled af I don’t even know what I wrote. 

Listen I know I talk a lot about Vane and you’re probably sick and tired of it and I understand. BUT LIKE HEAR ME OUT FOR A MINUTE!

So I never really did the subquests early on in my playthrough of GBF mostly because I’m a dumbass and didn’t really realize they were there. ANYWAYS, so my first exposure of Vane came from his SR version (sadly, I don’t have his SSR version,,,,hhhhh please come home). I wasn’t too keen on him at first because he was an SR and in the beginning I was obsessed with getting SSR’s (instead of appreciating quality characters). 

The reason I first got into GBF was because of Lancelot, I thought he was super attractive and w o w cool this looks awesome! So I was hoping to get Lancelot more than anyone else. 

I digress, so I went through Vane’s fate episode really quick, and I just didn’t appreciate his character all too much. Seeing his art, I thought yeah he looked cool but he kinda looks like a smug jerk and I just did not care (especially since I was starting to like Will). I basically forgot I summoned him until I played Defender’s Oath. 

It brought him into a new light for me, because honestly, I did that side quest because of Lancelot. When we see Vane in DO, we see him as somewhat clueless, but overall, a nice guy who just wants to help his friends. I had very low expectations for him, and to just have him in my face acting like the most adorable thing ever was just hhhhhhhhhhh amazing. 

But it also made me get bored with Lancelot, because to me, it felt like all the other Dragon Knights had gotten character development except him. We constantly see Vane grow from being someone who was initially nervous about being Vice-Captain, to being more confident in his role and ensuring the public is happy. And that’s what I think separates Lancelot and Vane the most. While Lancelot does care for the people, he cares more for the well being of the country. Vane however, is just a ball of sunshine who wants to repay his kindness to those who need help (as seen with Bistro Feendrache). 

I’m not saying Lancelot is a bad person by any means, not at all, he is probably what is considered a more ‘ideal knight’ because of his undying loyalty to Feendrache, but Vane is someone who just doesn’t care for titles, he just wants to be by his friends’ side. 

I think his most stellar moment was in Divergent Knighthoods. THIS was what cemented my love for him as my fave character, not only in GBF, but in my entire life. We see him at his most fatherly and courageous form in this quest, and it just is the sweetest thing ever. He jumbles up a bit as Vice-Captain, he’s excitable and kinda immature compared to Lancelot, but that’s what makes him so strong. 

Divergent Knighthoods showed the BEST possible form of Vane by showing us his interactions with Team Chickadee. Sure, Arthur and Mordred were the focal point of it, but we see Vane’s development, as well how he helps the other two. Arthur and Mordred probably would not have gotten as good as they did if it weren’t for Vane. Vane taught them that being a knight doesn’t mean giving up on friendship and kindness, or forgetting what it means to be human. 

Vane is just that. Human. Lancelot and Percival constantly push themselves to be something greater than human, and Seigfried is considered to be god-tier to them. They all idealize Siegfried, but Lancelot and Percival want to be JUST like him that they focus solely on his actions, not why he does what he does. Vane, while he also looks to Siegfried as a role model, doesn’t feel the need to exemplify him. He feels fine the way he is, but he looks up to Siegfried as what greatness can achieve. He wants to be as skilled as Siegfried, but in his own way. 

Vane uses his emotions as a powerful weapon, while Lancelot and Percival try to repress them. They feel that emotions get in the way of decision-making, and that it’ll make them weaker. Vane just doesn’t give a crap and continues dancing to his own beat. He stepped up as a father-figure and mentor to Team Chickadee, and made them stronger by teaching them the importance of emotions. He even commented on something like that when he was interacting with Cruz. The poor boy just wasn’t emotional, and it worried Vane about what his life was like at home. He was so proud of Cruz when he even SMILED, and he treated it like a trophy. 

He’s a very supportive guy as seen when he constantly praised the team for slight accomplishments, even if they seemed stupid in the eyes of others. Lancelot has high expectations for them, and even though they wish to be knights when they’re older, he forgets they’re just kids. Vane knows that they’re just little kids, and he is one at heart, so he has no problem interacting with them and encouraging them to do better. He doesn’t need to act intimidating, because it’s just not in his nature. He doesn’t have to pretend to be someone he’s not, and uses his supposed ‘flaws’ as a tool to get better. 

I also wanna talk about what I think is a slight inferiority complex. Yeah, Vane loves himself, but he loves his friends a lot more. Especially Lancelot. Lancelot grew up with him and is basically his brother from another mother, and Vane trusts him completely. But we see throughout his fate episodes and special cutscenes that he knows Lancelot is more well-loved and respected than he will ever be. 

Valentines Day (year 2): “Aw, man. It's that time of year again... Sucks being that guy that doesn't get anything. Yeah... Oh well! I'll just pretend this chocolate I made came from a girl!”

Valentines Day (year 3): “Man, I knew he was popular... Speaking as a childhood friend, good for him. Bet he's a pretty happy camper. Sigh... I wonder if I'll ever...”

Happy Birthday (year 2): “Hehe, thanks for taking the time to deal with a bum like me! How old are you now? Are you really gonna waste your birthday hangin' around here? You want to be here? Aw man, quit jokin' around! It's not nice to tease people, you know.”

Happy Birthday (year 4): “ I shouldn't stay too long, I don't want to wear you out even more.”

Happy Holidays (year 2):  “ Huh? Oh, hey, (Captain). Are you free right now? Good thing I bumped into you! All right, you get the pleasure of spending the day with me! Not! Yeah, like you'd want to hang out with me, hahaha!” 

Fate Episode [sr version]: “ Y-you really think so? I'm really just trying to be more like Lancey. “

[after you compliment him for being more like Lancelot than he knows]:  “Heheh, thank you! Hearing you say that gives me a real boost, (Captain)!”

LIKE THIS BOY LEGITIMATELY THINKS HANGING OUT WITH HIM IS LIKE THE WORST PUNISHMENT IN HISTORY. It’s so sad because he’s such a lovable goof, and the fact he thinks he’s such a bother because he’s not like Lancelot is just....my heart...

I don’t think he’s actually AWARE of his insecurities when it comes to these sort of things, like he can recognize it in other people, but just can’t see himself being jealous of Lancelot, his best friend. He is not really given much credit for his work, and most dismiss him as a loud idiot who’s just Vice-Captain. Percival’s insults towards Vane doesn’t get him down, but the fact that Lancelot gets more praise for being Captain probably irks him to some degree. 

Honestly, Vane has so much to offer. He is such a romantic, and reading the part in his sr skills episode WHERE HE LITERALLY REMEMBERED A SUBORDINATES ANNIVERSARY AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS WIFE! Like, catch any of the other guys even remembering what day it is. 

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: With all due respect, First Officer, sir, why are you trying to dismiss me so early? There's still plenty of work to do…

Vane: But isn't it your anniversary today? Don't you think you should go home and be with your wife?

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: Y-you remembered?

Vane: Of course! You were gushing about it the other day!

Vane: One look at that grin on your face and it was seared into my memory!

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: But circumstances are different now…

Knights of the Order of White Dragons: The people are still uneasy after the incident the other day! It's not right for me to get to relax with my wife!

Vane: Don't be stupid! Are you really gonna let this emergency ruin your fun? That's even worse!

LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT THIS!! He is just all about positivity and having fun, this guy is such a cutie. He just cares about the little people so much. NOT TO MENTION HIS LOVE FOR ELDERLY PEOPLE. He went on a tangent in the special cutscenes about how he wanted to help the old grandmas who helped in his childhood, and the children who appeared in Halloween. This guy cares a lot for the people and he just continues giving love and care for them all despite being considered a lesser version of his best friend from others.  

Vane is by no means a lesser version of Lancelot. He’s a great companion that contrasts well with Lancelot, by reminding him to take care of himself. He bakes, he cooks, he cleans, he does plenty of stuff for the crew and is such hubby material that I BELIEVE EVERY PERSON NEEDS SOMEONE LIKE VANE IN THEIR LIFE. Vane is the gift that keeps on giving, who’ll never stop giving. He cares too much to even bother to think about his own health, and is just the absolute best. 

Maybe I’ll fix this later on idk but like if I continue I’ll ramble for hours about why he’s so precious and ya’ll don’t wanna see that from me. 

But yeah tldr: VANE IS FREAKIN AMAZING AND I LOVE HIM

[sakuya123draws]

for the end of year meme: 1, 8, 10, 14, 20 !! Please and thank you!

OH MAH GOD IT’S LATE!!! (I am so sorry @nalufever I finally got around to answering asks and I’m starting with the most recent ones!! It’s appropriate as they are for the “End of the year” meme I reblogged!)

 Anyways, without further ado, let’s answer these lovely questions~! >w

1. First things first, did you have a good year?

A: Well, I guess that is the first thing to ask when jumping from one year to the other! ^_^ If I’m being honest the year started out really bad. Lots of family problems, stress from college and my horrible relationship was weighing me down and draining me of my energy. I never want to blame anything on anyone, but I was in a dysfunctional relationship with someone and I finally got out of it around April. It’s a long story, but I don’t feel like dwelling on that stuff. I’m stronger now! (I mean I “hope” so ^ ^;) I was happy that I got in the honours roll for my first year which gave me entry to showing my artwork to judges at the college I got to! It was an amazing experience and I made some cool friends along the way! It’s a small class, but we’re like a family. :D As for my actual family, I lost my grandma…She was an inspiration to me and even today I will always show my appreciation for my grandparents! Other than that, my family had gotten better and we can finally understand each other a bit more when it comes to communication which is always a plus!! :3 Even on here with Tumblr being who it is, I still have lots of friends that didn’t leave and I’m happy to see they are better from last year! In short, (cause you can see THIS is a paragraph xD) I think the year was wishy-washy! It was all over the place, but it made up for it at the end to be called “good”. ^v^

8. Which fashion trends did you hate?

(I thought of him when I thought of the word fashion xD Don’t kill me, I LOVE Max

A: Even though my mom is a lady who lives by fashion, I can’t say I know the styles of 2018! ;w; I looked up a source (well you know Vogue and all that jazz :/) to base my opinion on. I only think this would be easier if I could say what I “loved”, but it’s a hate one so gotta be mean xD lol. I mean I never “hate” anything, so I’m gonna give it a shot. 

One thing I don’t like about fashion trends if I’m being frank is that it’s usually clothes on the runway. Many styles I see based on Vogue’s source are styles I can’t see the everyday person wearing. Personally, I wouldn’t wear half of those designs outside. That’s just me. My sense of style is a hybrid of my mom’s fashion she wears/sells, 80′s-90′s fashions and cutesy outfits. (that I think I’d look bad in ;w;) I’m gonna give a small bullet point list. (I know I always say small xD)

 Arty Impressions - This was the first one on the article I read. From what I can gather it’s fashion with famous works printed on it. (Artworks, for example, Andy Warhol’s, screenprints) I mean I can see the connection, but for me wearing something with a reproduced art piece is hard for me to personally wear. LIke it has to be done like how T-shirts have a design in the middle or small embellishments on it to make me wear it. The example I saw is fun and creative, but for me, I couldn’t see myself liking/wearing those pieces. It depends. 5/10? I guess xD

Plastic/see-through material - This honestly has been a reoccurring style that I have seen. It’s become more prominent now according to last year’s trends. I can’t stand the “see-through” look. I don’t know what it is, but it’s just too awkward to wear outside. LIke people will defend that you can wear what you want, but for ME and ME Only, I can’t wear those kinds of stuff. I would feel very scared/concerned with how I look. (Even to myself) If you don’t know what I am referring to, I mean like that umbrella looking material. (I’ve added the source in the paragraph above for this question! ^_^)

Geometric/Flannel Print - I can never see myself liking the flannel scene. For pyjamas, no problem! To wear outside, I can’t bring myself to do that. You can see me in an old sweater, but flannel I don’t think any of my friends have seen me in that xD I just can’t say it’s aesthetically pleasing to me. I have a problem liking this style. Maybe I will when I get older, but as I’m young and creative I see myself wearing clothes for the young generation! :P (my mom says that anyways xD lol) The clothes that make you feel like partying, even though you don’t go outside like me xD lol 

As much as I love talking about fashion, I think I would bore everyone with my opinions. xD (You’re definitely not here for these are you? xD If so, thank you) 

10. What song sums up this year for you?

A: I don’t have a definite answer, but I went through a lot of things. Many times I wanted to be in a dream world…Like to escape everything. All the pain and depression. I still feel that way, but in 2018 it was WAY worse. This song I originally heard in Silent Hill: Downpour (A GAME I LOVE ;w;) was a song I thought of when I see this question. I think it’s a great song! sad, but I’d recommend it. The singer’s voice is lovely. It invokes so many emotions in me ;w; (I’ll give a youtube link) 

Ed Harcourt - From Every Sphere

14. Favorite new TV show?

(I HAD to make it this guy >w

WARNING: HUGE ANSWER BELOW!

A: Well, as you may know, I don’t watch many shows anymore. I mostly play video games, but for the sake of this amazing question, I’ll say what anime(s) I did enjoy last year! I don’t think I’ve ever loved an anime as much as I love Gintama. It’s really funny because I originally “disliked” Gintama. It was a naive thing for the young me to have said at the time. I judged the show so harshly after seeing anime (IMO) being shat on with the usual themes and scenes I ALWAYS see. I began to give up on anime as a whole. My story starts when I was pissed at my brother telling me, “Gintama is amazing Tash, trust me you’ll regret hating it.” I answered with my normal response of, “ sure Ja, you ALWAYS say that. How will this be any different?” Maybe I shouldn’t have said that…Well, it’s too late now for present-day me. My brother showed me all the “humorous” parts first. (I honestly felt like he tricked me, but the show really starts that way xD) Anyways, we eventually watched a few episodes and I told him I didn’t understand the humour. (it’s honestly hard to get into if you’re not open-minded or don’t understand the comedy Sorachi uses) Until he decided to hit me with his ace, “The Shinsengumi Crisis Arc”. All I can say is, a different side of me was born. I started to see what a show could truly offer if it was done right, the way I wanted to see it. It’s hard to explain, but without Gintama’s sad/inspirational/happy/stupid/clever story writing/arcs I don’t think I would have ever gotten through 2018. I haven’t finished the episodes as of its recent update, but I really learned a lot from the show. I want to give a HUGE shoutout to Sorachi for writing this masterpiece and I would 10000% recommend it to ANYONE! It’s a show that changed my views on people’s situations and lives. I think all the arcs are amazingly written and so far I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of it! It really got me in the feels. I can honestly say that if you can’t feel after seeing an arc in Gintama, you haven’t felt. It’s that amazing! (Then AGAIN, it’s an opinion not everyone will sadly share xD) Also, I am really enjoying Bleach! I’m sad at how it ended in terms of what things happened and I honestly hope Kubo will be ok. I loved his episodes and the earliest ones really touched my heart like Gintama. He’s also really great at making me cry every episode! :P

(GOD SORRY FOR THE ESSAY AND STUPID STORY LINES xD I’m sorry I can’t add a RM for this b/c then everything under can’t be seen like the other answers ;w;) 

20. Did you develop a new obsession?

Well…YES! Many obsessions!! The real question is which is the one that I obsess over the most? Well I’ll put some bullet points to hopefully make it smaller xD

First of all, I don’t want to say it but I’ve taken a “liking” (what an understatement lol) to Gin Ichimaru from Bleach~! >////

I think everyone knows, but I have an obsession with cute/pink/pretty stuff. (Can it be called that?) I just LOVE pastel colours or pinks/blues/purples. Those kinds of soft colours you see in Hello Kitty toys or Fairy Kei/Kawaii merch (if I’m correct xD) I just have a HUGE soft spot for childhood stuff! I literally still act like a kid xD lol I don’t think I’ll be growing up anytime soon haha xD lol I just love to collect them! :) 

Vaporwave I guess has become a new obsession and old art styles of the past! I just can’t stop being in awe at those marble statues! The curvature and bodies are so magnificent! >w

So many different art styles that are brought to this world! :D This is the truth! I absolutely love most styles I see on here and whenever I encounter them! >w

Other than that, I don’t think I have any other obsessions I know about :P Sorry, I’m super boring xD That’s the art student life lol (only me guys xD dw)

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR MESSAGING ME AND SENDING THIS AMAZING ASK YOU AWESOME PERSON!!! @nalufever I am so happy to have gotten something from you and I hope you’ve had a great Christmas and Happy New Year, friend!! I hope you stay happy and healthy this year!! All the best to you! Thank so much once again for taking the time :)

If anyone else is interested, you can send me something as well~!

Take care from me and Happy New Years everyone!!!

Saku~!

[boyfriem-moved]

pl ea se info dump about your ocs

oh boy ok you,,, don’t want this but u already asked and it’s too late to go back so im just gonna start talking

ok so i have like 2 separate oc worlds and 3 seperate groups of ocs within those (these are just the main ones, there’s ones i don’t think abt anymore and ones i’ve abandoned and fan characters and stuff but if i went over all of that i’d be here all day so i’ll just stick with these)

so the first world is just our world, modern day, but with magic. there’s this one town, barnsley, georgia, that’s cut off from the rest of the world. most ppl drive by without ever noticing it, and if someone tries to go in who’s not wanted the town will disappear or try to kill them or just do something to keep them out. it’s a vaguely sentient town. in barnsley there’s a big forest and no one’s ever gone in and come out the other side. there’s ambiguous danger in the forest, mostly faeries who will make you fall in love with them and then kill you and harvest your bones and stuff.

so there’s like 4-6 characters depending on where we’re looking at in terms of what storyline i’m following (this is the one that i did nanowrimo for three (3) times and have over 100,000 words of thrown out content for and obsess over constantly so it has the most solid plot and there’s a lot of it) so anyways i’ll just go over all 6 and try to make it as simple as possible without talking about converging storylines and alternate drafts and stuff

ok! so! vi larson-park is the daughter of one of barnsley’s 3 great magicians! her mom could do all sorts of crazy magic and i can’t get into the parents’ backstory here bc they have a whole OTHER story and that’s just. too much (maybe i’ll do that later? we’ll see) so yeah her mom did magic and also made some bad deals and stole some stuff from the woods and indirectly caused some ppls deaths but it’s like fine probably. so vi grew up with her mom, natalie, her mom’s witch girlfriend, erica, and erica’s twin brother, simon (who i’ll get into later and also who doesn’t exist in half the scrapped drafts) in this big empty DEFINITELY HAUNTED house on the edge of town where erica grew up and they were good and happy. then like a year ago natalie was killed by nick, who i’ll also get into later, and that’s kinda the end of her story, vi and erica are obviously devastated and they have a funeral and vi starts having the occasional odd dream here and there, but things go back to normal after awhile. vi has absolutely no aptitude for magic, and because of that she often feels alienated by erica and simon who are VERY magical and always talking about things she doesn’t understand. she’s fiercely loyal and protective and not really scared of anything. she’s always wanted to know what’s in the woods but knows better than to go looking

tyler is vi’s best friend and also 50% whole entire Not Human. he either came from the woods or was found outside a random gas station in like arizona or something depending on which draft i’m going by, but either way he was found around two years ago and has been clinging to vi ever since. his backstory is a big unknown to the human characters and no one really knows anything about him. he’s a faerie prince, the son of the erlking, who’s sort of the ambiguous villain of the story but i’ll get into him later. he has 3 brothers, sorrel, dain, and kell. sorrel is the oldest and known as the winter prince, then there’s kell for spring, dain for summer, and tyler himself for autumn. (btw his name isn’t actually tyler technically it’s robin but i'm not gonna get into that rn.) sorrel is cool and collected and stone cold bitch, and all he wants is to be king so he roped tyler into helping him try and kill their dad, which failed, so then he lost his position in the royal court and now he’s doing tons of morally gray stuff in an attempt to get back in his dad’s favor so he can kill him for real this time. dain and kell are sort of nothing at all and you don’t need to know anything except dain is really mean and violent and kell is an ally(?). after the whole failed killing debacle tyler ran away to barnsley in hopes that he could find something in common with the humans, since he’d been a faerie all his life and couldn’t stand it. he’s quiet and doesn’t like doing or saying things unless he absolutely has to, is generally unhelpful unless something benefits him, scared of being alone, hates being indoors, runs around barefoot and only eats food from the woods. he’s kinda like an outdoor cat.

nick and marcus jacobs are brothers and general hooligans. nick is the older one (he’s 19) and marcus is 15 and they grew up in barnsley for the first 14 years of marcus’ life until marcus accidentally killed their dad and they left town. which the dad killing subplot is really a lot to get into but basically their dad was the second magician, along with vi’s mom, except the effects of magic on a person can kinda drive a person insane and the others managed to keep it together but he slowly went crazy until he was paranoid and in pain all the time and ended up taking a lot of it out on his sons which ended in him threatening marcus and marcus in an act of self defense unleashing raw magic power he didn’t know he had and accidentally killing him and also taking out all the power in the entire town and causing a minor earthquake. it was a Big Deal. so yeah they buried their dad in the backyard and skipped town. after their dad died all his magic went down to nick so nick has newfound power (marcus btw has never been able to use magic since then and has no idea how he did it) but he also has voices in his head and weird dreams, and with all the voices yelling at him all the time he realizes that the only way to get rid of them is to get rid of the magicians. his dad did some magic bullshit that made him the vessel for the magic once he died but the other magicians didn’t so he doesn’t have to kill anyone besides them and it makes sense bc i say it does shut up. so for like a year they drive around aimlessly, meet with and kill vi’s mom, meet with and kill aidan’s dad (i’ll get to aidan once i’m done here), pick up a hitchhiker depending on which version of the story i’m telling, then go back home where they’re not really welcome anymore but that won’t stop them. nick is cold and mean and. y’know. a murderer, but he also loves marcus greatly and gets attached to people more easily than he would like to admit. he’s sort of closed himself off and resigned himself to killing “for the greater good”, but it’s hard for him, and there’s definitely people he wouldn’t kill. he fully planned to, once he got rid of the magicians, never kill again, and he keeps that promise. marcus is soft spoken and anxiety ridden and a bit of a crybaby and he hates death and doesn’t fully trust nick and doesn’t trust himself either. on the outside he appears bitter and angry constantly.

aidan mulligan is a HOOLIGAN! a whole entire rowdy boy! he’s also the son of the third magician and marcus’ ex(?) boyfriend? more like boyfriend on standby. it’s complicated. there’s nothing special to him, he’s rowdy bc his parents never gave him enough attention so he runs around with people he doesn’t really like and is always getting into trouble. his favorite activities are skipping church and running the local cryptid watch am radio station, which no one listens to and which he used to run with marcus. he misses marcus dearly and keeps waiting for him to come back. he’s loud and talkative and his mood changes drastically but is always on the highest setting. he’s either screaming-and-throwing-things angry or unable to shut up and bouncing all over the place. not to pick favorites but he’s my favorite i really love him. his life moto is “fuck you dad” basically. oh yeah nick killed his dad and stuff and it’s hit him hard but he’s not as torn up by it as he probably should be, which he feels terrible about. his mom lives on the other side of the country and doesn’t currently know his dad is dead, which isn’t really something you’re supposed to keep secret generally but the mulligan family said fuck the rules. he has two brothers, connor and seamus (connor older, seamus younger) and loves both of them though he would never admit it.

simon diederich is the secret special bonus magician!! also i think i gotta talk abt parent backstory for him so,,,, here goes: basically, simon and vi’s mom and marcus and aidan’s dads all stole magic from the forest in a way that doesn’t super make sense but it’s my story i can do what i want. and in the process simon died and they had to leave him behind in the woods, but then since the magic in the forest was weak it couldn’t continue being formless or else it would turn into nothing since so much of it had been damaged by the humans or w/e. so it took simon’s body as a vessel and resurrected him with all his old memories but also 100% more magic power. so he took that power and went back home and has been just straight chillin, unaging, for 30-ish years. he got like. immense wisdom when he was resurrected and is also possessed by a sentient forest so he does what the forest wants which is protect the town and fistfight anyone he doesn’t like. he’s obnoxious and immature and thinks he’s hot shit and loves these trees more than he loves other people probably

bonus character: lila is the ghost who lives in vi’s attic. she’s like 7. i love her

THAT HURT MY FINGERS TO TYPE. I HAD TO MOVE TO GOOGLE DOCS TO DO THIS BC TUMBLR KEPT LAGGING AND MY WORD COUNT IS NEARING 2000 BUT W/E LETS KEEP GOING

next, still in the same universe, are the residents of greywell, washington. greywell is what’s on the other side of those woods no one can cross in barnsley. how does that work? magic obviously. greywell is a lot like barnsley but more sinister, it’s a lot newer so the characters aren’t as fleshed out (with one exception) and there’s really only 3 i actually care abt so this ones gonna be a lot shorter. i’ve thought abt plot but nothing solid so there’s some...stuff but mostly this one will be short

zoe hammond: amateur teen witch who’s also cursed. she has an eye on her left hand which is always watching her and she wants off desperately. u know how i said in some versions of the story nick and marcus pick up a hitchiker? that’s her, going to barnsley bc she knows its magic and hopes someone there will know how to fix her. she respects authority and stays in line for the most part, but she also takes shit from no one. she’ll talk to nearly anyone but doesn’t particularly like anyone in town, also she sells witch shit out of the trunk of her car in the school parking lot

wesley: short rowdy trans boy with absolutely no self control who’s stoned all the time and does crazy things for the adrenaline rush and doesn’t bind safely and falls in love with every boy he meets. he skateboards bc of course he does. he’s always ready to fight and punches ppl a lot but usually ends up losing fights bc he’s tiny. i love him

noa: ok this dude went into the woods one (1) time and now there’s this magic glove stuck on their hand? and a ghost in their phone?? and they’re literally so confused and they’ve never had any friends in their entire life but all of a sudden that weird lesbian witch and her crazy skateboarder friend are talking to them all the time and they died? except they woke back up like nothing had happened even though their head basically blew up? and there’s like faeries and stuff coming after them because they want the glove and they can’t get the stupid thing off their hand and they have no idea what’s going on noa is an absolute nervous wreck who’s really fun to draw and they have no idea what’s happening to them and tbh i don’t rly know what i’m doing either but i’m having a good time

ada: the phone ghost.

last set!! i have them all done already from this thing i did with @dogstoes so i’ll just paste them in but first background:

this is a completely separate world, it’s like this 1910s era fictional city with magic and shit. the magic system is kinda complicated but basically there’s elemental magicians who are heavily tied to religion, they’re believed to be sacred and god sent by p much every organized religion. they do elements, it’s pretty simple. then there’s blood magicians who can basically transmute but they have to use their own blood to do it. anyone can learn to be a blood magician but most ppl don’t want to bc. blood ow. blood magicians are an ABOMINATION AGAINST GOD and there’s a stigma against them in religious communities so they tend to populate big cities and less religious places. there’s also healers who are born like elementals and can’t be trained, they’re isolated from both schools of magic bc unlike elementals they’re not pure (well, depending on which religion you ask) and unlike blood magicians they’re not common. born magicians are born with pure black eyes (irises? the colored part. not just all black) that differentiate them from nonmagic ppl. there’s also super intense mary sue magicians who r rare and born with red eyes (i started this world when i was 13 don’t judge me bitch) and they can shapeshift kinda? but in cool ways, it’s not just shapeshifting they could also make their skin tough or nails pointy or w/e. one of them specifically likes to harden his own blood in weapons it’s kinda metal. anyways here’s the character profiles from the google doc pasted in word for word

Characters (bc i suddenly decided this is Sharin With Rivers material If You Shall Take It):

So basically there's these 2 gangs, run by this woman Lyra Frey and this dude Lucas Sweeney, and they Do Not Like Each Other At All. Neither of them are good bc yknow...gangs….but lyra’s is like...better anyways here's characters

Lyra's dudes:

Emil Finch: 21, any and all pronouns, ace, lyra’s right hand man/ veteran of a bloody civil war (TECHNICALLY a war criminal but yknow…it's whatever). Likes cats and Arya, dislikes cigarettes and being short. Their birth name is Emilee, which they  shortened to their liking when they moved to The Big City, and they used their father's name (Finn O'Malley) to join the war. They're a healer magician but ssshhh don't tell anyone. They used their powers to hurt people when they were in The War and now don't trust themselves, so they stick to traditional medicine thank you very much. (Also knives. They’re a big fan of knives.)

Arya Frey: 21, she/her, Lyra’s adopted daughter and mechanic. She has METAL LEGS and has to walk with a cane so she doesn't go outside much, mostly makes machines and strategizes for her mom. Likes drawing, Emil, making things/taking them apart, dislikes cold weather (it makes her joints hurt), magic, Drunk Emil. She has two cats named vriska and karkat. Everyone is suspicious of these names even though it's like 1910 and an alternate universe and homestuck doesn't exist.

Jaz Anaheim: 18, he/him, big gay disaster, a pickpocket who came to the Big City with his brother when he was 16 to work and send money to his mom, stole from a kingpin, joined a gang, watched his brother die in front of him, and lied to his mom for 2 years about his job and his brothers aliveness while he sent her blood money. He's a humble farm boy, no magic, tall and uncoordinated, basically all he can do is steal and flirt badly and he's very aware. Also where he came from magicians were rare because they were all drafted for the war so when he sees magic he's way too impressed. Likes loud music, people being interested in him, his family (just his mom now :’)), his hometown, dislikes the city, feeling disliked, himself, swimming

Sweeney’s band of assholes:

Elliott Sweeney: 24, he/him, Sweeney’s son and certified dad hater. He's a blood magician which are common and not that impressive but he’s good at what he does bc he did nothing but practice for like 6 years. His dad basically controls him and makes him work for him because he's useful. He resents his dad with every ounce of his being but doesn't have the spine to do anything about it. After accidentally burning down part of their house and killing his mom his dad sent him away to the summer house in the country, where he lived for the past 6 years, obediently doing his dad’s bidding and learning how to control his magic until he got fed up and burned that house down (on purpose this time), making his dad move him back to the family house in the city so that he could keep an eye on him. he’s one of those badass mega magicians who does blood swords and stuff, he’s also spent so much time reading that he knows a lot about magic theory. Quiet, reserved, extremely petty, but shows a sense of humor around his sister. Never really knew Alise growing up so he’s more of a cool uncle than a brother. Likes his sister, learning things, astronomy, dislikes his dad, Emil, doing magic, fighting, feeling trapped

Alise Sweeney: 14, she/her, her dad named her Alise with an S because he's just that much of an asshole. She's a self trained blood magician and good at what she does. She hates her dad almost as much as Elliott does but she's also not a fucking baby about it. Is DEFINITELY planning on killing him at some point. Was raised to make jokes and do crime and her brother said if she does crime she's grounded. Has never been serious about anything ever, and probably has a screw loose. Has killed people. Is basically a tiny fighting machine. Her dad was rough on her growing up. Likes picking fights, Elliott and Atticus, pissing off her dad, causing trouble. Dislikes her dad, people stronger than her, tense situations, being alone

Atticus Grey: 16, he/him, not Sweeney’s son but hates him enough that he probably could be (in case you were noticing a theme here, sweeney is kinda unlikeable). His mom left soon after he was born and his dad ran up a huge debt and ended up working for Sweeney to pay it off, then died in a gang fight before he could get through it. Sweeney, the merciless motherfucker that he is, decided that Atticus would finish paying it off, and snatched him up as soon as he was 13. His dad used to hang out with Emil’s and so they ended up taking care of parentless Atticus (along with (extremely reluctant) Arya. Atticus is really close with Lyra’s entire crew because he's spent so much time around them. He's a fire magician who knows a bit of blood magic but barely uses it, and he's an angsty bitch. Likes Emil, being alone, dislikes everything else.

oh yeah then there’s those bitches in charge:

Lyra Frey is a [REDACTED] year old woman from [REDACTED] who moved to the city while fleeing from [REDACTED]. She was in the civil war briefly, fighting for the [REDACTED] side. Her real name is not Lyra, but is actually [REDACTED]. She loves Arya more than anything else probably. Sees Jaz as an unofficial son, is skeptical of Atticus, likes Emil but doesn’t trust them.

Lucas Sweeney is one of those rich bastards who also does crime on the side. He’s a politician but everyone and their mother knows he’s an absolute crime lord on the side. Has arguably more power than Lyra but has no idea how to use it, plus Alise has already recruited like half his employees into joining her uprising. He’s a selfish man and a terrible dad. No one likes him.

uh yeah that is. all!! this is over 3000 words jesus do asks have a word limit? i sure hope not

[misfitjohnnys]

no do 1-44

1: Age

I’m 20!! I’ll be 21 on ksoo’s bday lol

2: Shoe size

I’m usually a 9.5 in US sizes

3: Do you smoke?

i smoked cigarettes a little for a minute and smoked like one every few months but i dont want to anymore so i just… quit

4: Do you drink?

sometimes

5: Do you take drugs?

nope never have

6: Age you get mistaken for

always either 22 or 18

7: Have tattoos?

i have 2!! one is the banner and boy from neck deep’s life’s not out to get you album cover and the other one is a bee/wasp thing in tarot del fuego style, my brother drew it!! theyre both on the front of my thighs

8: Want any tattoos?

yeah i want one for kris wu LOL idk what im getting and i want the planets down the side of my right leg 

9: Got any piercings?

ive got….. a couple lol

10: Want any piercings?

i have almost every one i want, i want a snug piercing in my ear tho!

11: Best friend?

i have a lot of best friends!! my closest irl friends are @hellomynameisriker, @kyungsooshighnotes, @zealous-y, @koldqueso, @1-800-h0m0 and my brother @straightbawler

i also have my mutuals who i love as my best friends too like @fishflake, @chogiwamy, @krisyoels, and @pocketsizeddemon and my other mutuals i just!!!! love u all!!!! i just feel like i was tagging too many people im so sorry

i love having friends i love people

12: Relationship status

single jsnbdfrhjdeks

13: Biggest turn ons

baekhyun, i’ll let u all imagine the rest

14: Biggest turn offs

drugs, idk everything turns me on ngl its hard to find things i dont nut over

15: Favorite movie

13 going on 30 is my all time fav even though ive watched return of xander cage 23423431 times

16: I’ll love you if…

u talk to me 

17: Someone you miss

@1-800-h0m0

18: Most traumatic experience

my dad threatened to kill me last year and kicked me out and i had to go live w my godfather’s wife bc she’s the closest family member i have

19: A fact about your personality

im rly rly social but im also scared of rejection so they conflict a lot

20: What I hate most about myself

i feel like i cant ever finish what i start

21: What I love most about myself

i have a lot of friends bc i am a genuine person like i kind of just say what comes to my brain and people tend do like me for who i am idk

22: What I want to be when I get older

i want to act and help screenwrite

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

my younger brother is like the closest person in my life like i love him a lot idk what i would do without him honestly, my older brother is so so great hes always there when i need him i love him a lot I LOVE MY BROTHERS

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

my dad and i dont get along and treats my brothers like angels and i am… dirt but me and my mom get along really well!!! shes great

25: My idea of a perfect date

bowling and going to chilis idk i like dumb chill dates with no seriousness and not much money

26: My biggest pet peeves

having food or drinks that aren’t water in my room, people not paying proper attention to their pets, people using things and not telling anyone when it runs out

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

suyzdhcruwejsa i hate this i kinda like a boy thats like 5′8 and plays guitar and stuff, he’s really smart and also rly dumb and we type the same way but hes rly cool and we all know i have a crush on @chogiwamy wheres the shocker there

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

tall, obnoxious, really rude to my friends and to me, obsessed with being better than anyone

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

so that i wouldnt hurt their feelings

30: What I hate the most about work/school

waking up 

31:What my last text message says

“me when i’m grilling chicken for salad at 11:59pm” and it was after the person sent a pic of the hash slinging slasher

32: What words upset me the most

i dont rly have exact words that make me upset ???

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

“you’re like the reason we all became friends, we love you”

34: What I find attractive in women

they’re soft and have pretty hair and are usually super nice and supportive idk i love girls theyre so sweet

35: What I find attractive in men

being either baekhyun, yifan, or chanyeol lmao (jk idk i just like feminine soft boys)

36: Where I would like to live

prolly new york!!!!!!! 

37: One of my insecurities

i’m overweight lmao

38:My childhood career choice

acting !!!!

39:My favorite ice cream flavor

like….anything minty

40:

Who I wish I could be

john o’calleghan from the maine

41:Where I want to be right now

im happy rn sitting in my fav chair !!!!

42:The last thing I ate

salad

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

yifan, bye

44:A random fact about anything

i need to put gas in my car

[tomans-darlings-au]

Mason’s Dream

(A Blue Exorcist Writing Piece I Made A Long Time Ago That I Finally Edited.)

A/N: This is a canon thing for my Blue Exorcist OC’s but obviously not canon in the story. It has OC’s interacting with canon characters so fair warning.

Trigger Warnings: Violence, Choking, Detailed Descriptions, Blood, Self-Harm, And Abuse

The sun was setting on a warm summer evening Mason sat in a grassy field among dandelions as he watched his brother playing baseball with some neighborhood kids. Under the shade of a tree he picked flowers from the ground, his thoughts of his visit to Japan with his father freshly running through his mind, oh how he’d enjoyed it. Mason had made a friend when the first time he’d gone with his father and the two still continued to keep in contact. Lost in thought he wondered if said friend had gotten the letter he’d sent days ago he’d been practicing his kanji and hoped his friend would be impressed. As he pondered these thoughts simultaneously weaving a crown he was broken out of his daze when he noticed someone had approached him, looking up the albino boy recognized the familiar face of a different friend.

“Anubis! You scared me, you shouldn’t sneak up on someone like that.” He scolded his old friend feeling startled.

“Sorry but i’ve been dyin to see you again. You’ve been so busy all the time lately, I miss talkin to ya.”

“Quit studyin all the time and come hangout with me again. Besides your mom won't even care she’s like obsessed with your brother so it’s no loss.” The raven haired tan skinned boy insisted with his arms crossed.

Mason gave a look unamusement at his friend’s blunt statement, it’s not like he was wrong but the older Zhu son did not like the constant reminder. Still despite his sharp tongue the boy tapped the ground beside him inviting other to sit with him and Anubis gladly complied.

“I know i’ve been gone a lot lately but papa has been teaching me about his work and I want to work like him too, after all the studying he’s finally letting me take a big trip with him. It’s was a business trip and not just visiting his co-workers but I actually get to see him work.” Mason explained to the other.

“Oh? Well that’s cool. I mean it’s normal to want to be like your parents, I just didn’t expect ya to be preparing for the future already.” Anubis mumbled a bit.

“Why not?  I mean my mother says you should have at least an idea of things you might like to pursue by high school.” Mason said nonchalantly as he finished the flower crown.

“...Guess i’m just a late bloomer. Still yer just in 6th grade it’s not that big a deal.” Anubis responded shrugging with little concern about the future.

“Yeah but the sooner the start the more time to prepare. That’s why I work so hard and now I can go on business trips with Papa I’m going to be able to work with him as equals one day.” Mason explained as his pale blue colored eye peeked out from his bangs.

Anubis smiled at his sickly yet ambitious friend, what kind of sarcastic response could he even make in against that. Instead the boy gave a simple sign of approval, Mason was delighted to have a supportive friend like Anubis even if he was kind of lazy.

“So...Can I finally ask what yer dad’s job is?” Anubis asked.

Anubis had been questioning about it since Mason first admitted to the lessons as a reason why he was gone so often now, he had been intent on keeping it a secret but Anubis was way to curious to not investigate.

“Okay okay I suppose you can know now that i’m gonna be going on official trips but don’t tell.” Mason warned him.

The small boy paused, he waited for Anubis to nod in agreement sealing their promise before he spoke once again.

“Well papa is an Exorcist he fights demons and when he took me with him I got to meet the Paladin Mr. Fujimoto.” Mason finally admitted revealing the kept secret.

Anubis froze he gave no response at first which was concerning to Mason his expression certainly changed. When he finally spoke again it was an icy tone looking away from the other, his tone was intimidatingly fear inducing.

“An exorcist huh...Must be pretty scary seeing demons…” He commented.

Mason felt the strange atmosphere growing heavy and dark it developed around them but he tried to continue. This was Anubis his friend despite the odd reaction he trusted him so he chose to ignore his own instinct.

“I-It is a little fightening but it’s not so bad. I met papa’s old friend Mr. Fujimoto-San who was training his son and talked to papa about training me. We met his son too who told me about his studying, his name is Yukio and he said his dream is to be a doctor. We were training together a little he gave me advice and taught me about the exorcist organization. To be honest I was just a nervous wreck.” Mason continued his words stuttering slightly as he attempted to ease things between him and Anubis by describing his trip as casually as possible.

“My nerves got the best of me for awhile but Yukio was very understanding. While he was showing me some of his training I was a bit of a clutz and my colored contact fell out.”

“Kyo saw my eyes and he wasn’t afraid or disgusted, he didn’t even make fun of me. He said they looked cool, i’m sure he was being polite but still.  To be honest I think I kinda like him, like like him you know...The way Papa “likes” Mama.” He confessed flustered and staring at the ground.

When Mason glanced up again to observe his friends response he saw Anubis standing, he was looming over him with a scowl on his face and an icy glare. Without a warning Anubis swiped at Mason knocking him over and leaving a gash in his face, blood dripped from Anubis’ now revealed claws.

Anubis no longer looked like the human Mason had been so familiar with, the young boy was used to the canine like teeth but now his mouth was almost un human. His whole appearance was that of a monster now piercing eyes, sharp claws, teeth that could probably rip flesh apart, and he’d even grown long ears and a tail.

“I knew you had heightened senses I mean not just anyone can gain the attention of a demon like me. Constant studying, the small of holy water, the chanting from you house I should have figured you were following in your pathetic fathers footsteps.” Anubis said in a playfully intimidating tone.

“A-Anubis you’re a demon?!” Mason was shocked still on the ground from the strike, his blood seeping from his wound.

“W-Wait please we don’t have to fight!” Mason begged his old friend who was approaching again, he rummaged through his pockets but realize he had no magic seals with him.

Before he could think of a defense the young boy felt a brutal kick to his stomach knocking the wind out of him and making him roll away. Mason coughed to struggling to regain air in his lungs even throwing up from the force.

“Man this sucks and I liked you kid… I was supposed to kill you ages ago but I wanted you as a pet instead.” Anubis said in a carefree mocking tone.

“Why do I always get stuck with the icky jobs.”

The demon sighed walking towards the child again, Mason trembled with fear he attempted to crawl away barely able to move in his state. Neither of the two heard the racing footsteps lost in their battle it wasn’t until Marco shouted that they were made aware of his presence. He swung his metal bat with all his strength to try and defend his brother without even understanding the situation.

“LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE!!”

However losing the element of surprise Anubis was able to catch the bat easily in the hand, even with the boys strength it was nothing more than a small bother, like a fly buzzing around.

“Oh it’s you now? Did you really think a stupid human could hurt me?”

Anubis grinned as he bent the metal bat with little effort, throwing the broken bat away the demon punched Marco making him fall to the ground. Still the stubborn twin would not  stay down for long.

“I won’t let you bully my big brother!” He hissed in defiance despite his inuries and obvious pain.

Anubis sneered at him unamused and growing aggravated with the  pest, once again Marco swung at the demon who easily dodged and backhanded the child leaving a large gash across his face as well.

Marco hissed in pain as the wound bled the blood dripping down his face but he wasn’t given much time to ponder the wound now. Anubis grabbed the boy and kneed him in the stomach making him drop to his knees clutching his stomach and falling to the ground struggling for breath. Anubis kicked him again for good measure beating him to ease some frustrations, he continued the action to keep him down laughing at his pain.

“You think you can save anyone? You humans are so pathetic! You can’t save any- AH!”

The demon was interrupted by Mason who’d jumped him from behind unexpectedly, the two struggled until Anubis slammed himself and by default Mason into the tree making the boy lose his grip and fall to the ground again. Mason huffed struggling to stand again as Anubis was regaining his own breath from the choke hold, this pause gave Mason enough time to use his blood as a seal and summon his familiar Jack to retrieve his father.

“I request the aid of the king of harvest and lord of autumn's nights!”

The young boy’s familiar appeared and it was a bittersweet feeling.

“Jack hurry get papa! Tell him we’re in trouble!” The young page ordered sending the familiar off,  a familiar which Anubis failed to catch as it fled.

Mason smirked despite the situation and spoke to his enemy.

“You may be able to beat us but you’ll never win against our father! And one day i’ll become an exorcist just like him. Me and  Kyo and we’ll protect the world from demons like you!” Mason hissed to stall.

Anubis leered at the boy with cold eye, no emotion not even anger and he walked over to the injured boy. There was nowhere Mason could run he was in too much pain to move away from the tree that was supporting him, he was struggling just to keep up. Anubis grabbed the boy by the neck and picked him up just enough off the ground to make him squirm and struggle for breath.

“You’ve got a smart mouth for someone who can’t even stand up for himself. Do you really think you’ll save this planet?” Anubis laughed.

“You’ll never be able to protect anything you can’t even protect yourself or your brother. You’re useless, a complete waste of breath.”

“I... will... protect th-them.”

Mason still struggling began to speak a sutra he was taught by Fujimoto, even with his lack of air he still managed to keep going. It didn’t last long as Anubis tightened his grip on the boy’s throat which silenced him. The canine grew a malicious grin on his face, a smile that spread menacingly on his face  he had an idea. A way to suffer even further than death.

“Let’s see how you’ll protect them, how you’ll talk so big without a voice to speak of.” He whispered specifically in his ear.

Anubis began chanting something Mason couldn’t even understand as he panicked trying to escape quickly. The human felt his body reacting as the chant continued, he felt a strange sensation as if something was being pulled out from deep inside his body and he could barely hold it back. When Anubis stopped chanting he opened his mouth and unable to hold back any longer Mason’s mouth was forced open, an almost liquid like substance flowed out of Mason and into Anubis’ mouth. Once completely drained Anubis dropped the child who fell to his knees instantaneously coughing, hacking, and even throwing up once again. He opened his mouth to ask what the creature had done to him but the words would not sound, he continued to try and speak trying to say anything, make any sound. Mason screamed in desperation but even that was silent, the boy began to sob clawing at his throat in complete a complete meltdown as he realized what had been done.

The demon just stared in satisfied amusement more than pleased with his work.

“You’ll never use this voice again.”

Anubis told him speaking in the tone of the new voice he’d stolen. Mason was horrified something inside him broke, he continued to scream endlessly, silently, in agony scratching at his neck continuously until finally collapsing on the ground a cold, broken, numb mess. He twitched a bit with tears still streaming and almost dead eyes.

“How pathetically grotesque maybe I will  just put you out of your misery.” Anubis said raising his hand. Mason’s eyes followed the hand as it swung down in one quick motion.

Suddenly Mason jolted awake, cold sweat drenched him and his bed and he was gasping for breath. Trembling and winded he felt around for his glasses putting them on and scanning the darkness around him, he was in his dorm at True Cross Academy a sigh of relief was let out. Sitting up in bed he tried his best to calm his nerves before getting out of bed completely, still trembling he walked into the quiet empty halls of the almost vacant old boys dorm. His only neighbors were the Okumura brothers, the Zhu brothers were place with them both because Mephisto knew of Mason’s “condition” and his defense because of it and because their mother refused to pay for an expensive dorm for Mason.

Mason contemplated talking to Yukio but shook the thought from his head as he turned on the faucet to wash his face, he hadn’t had that dream in so long. Well could it even be called a dream? He was recalling an actual incident with great detail and  it honestly left him frightened and even more stressed usual. A silent sigh escaped as he looked outside the window at the rising sun, Mason couldn’t even really enjoy that it was all bittersweet monochrome to him. Hearing the shuffling in the Okumura dorm he realized Yukio was probably getting up to begin the day early as usual, since he didn’t want to disturb his friend with worries returned to his room quickly. He did catch a glimpse of Yukio coming out of the room, the two barely made eye contact as Mason quickly shut the door before anything was said.

The oldest Zhu twin wanted to begin to get ready for the day instead he just sat on his bed, the sun rays just barely shining light in the room he saw his twin brother smiling in his sleep. He felt his boiling blood of resent towards him, the boy who gets everything he wanted and has no worries in the world, oh how he envied him. Feeling extra frustration Mason decided to take it out on Marco passive aggressively of course, he quietly found Mason’s cram school homework scanning it he scoffed the answers were all right but of course from the perfect fucking child. The boy stuffed it in his pocket crumbled up he’d throw it away later or burn it, with that out of the way and Marco’s bag hidden from him Mason began to prepare for the day. A yes per usual a day filled with silent torment within his own mind, he pushed his dark thoughts away as he left the room for a shower.

[fallen029]

Theirs and Ours

I know this isn’t a fanfic, but you guys like short stories, right? Or can at least pretend to?

Either way, here’s one regardless. 

I don’t have anyone in the graveyard.

Which is a weird way of saying that I have no reason to go there, every day.

But I do.

It’s not calming to me.

In the slightest.

Walking up and down the overgrown and gnarled cracked stone pathways brings me no joy. Tripping over rocks, being startled by the random rabbits or squirrels that run around the gloomy cemetery aren’t appealing. And, above all else, the creak that the stupid wrought iron gate makes when the wind blows sends a shiver up my spine.

Every. Damn. Time.

I also don’t go there because I feel so dark. Or find the need to make others believe I’m dark. That I’m deep. Interesting. That I’m damaged.

I’m not any of that. And there’s no connection for me there, with the dead, the departed. I was taught at a young age that the dead are just that; dead. And it’s one of those things that’s stuck with me. They don’t come back as cute ghosts or orbs or any of the other sort. There are two places you can go when it’s over and, honestly, I don’t know how you could escape the one and I don’t know why you would want to the other.

So no. It’s not a macabre sense of being that causes me to take the long walk everyday after I get off from my slow checkout clerk job at the only grocery store in our hamlet of a town. It’s not my desire to be seen as edgy or cool by peers that I’ve long outgrown since high school, many of which, honestly, escaped our desolate town for brighter adventures (along with what I’m sure were hefty tuition costs) that makes me take an hour, at least, out of my day, to walk idly around the decrepit cemetery. And certainly not, no matter how much many in the town believe, my attempt at pissing off the church who owns the burial grounds by sitting on the benches and watching all the others with someone laid to rest there grieve that causes me to make the trek day after day, always being courteous of the closing time for the place and leaving long before the man who locks the gates shows up.

I’m not...a trouble maker. I never was. And it’s not my intention to become one.

But I don’t have anyone buried in their cemetery.

My family isn’t Catholic, who are the ones who own the graveyard. It’s on the back of their grounds and, even on the weather’s best day, is gloomy to the point of depression. A stark contrast to the graveyard across town, where the rest of us are buried, the ones who either lack religion or fall into another category other than Catholicism, most, of course, belonging to the other church in town, the one I do, that’s only real denomination is that we’re from the south and therefore do not dance.

Like all good Christians, my father would say.

Or like all people who ignore what’s taught to them in their bibles, my maternal grandmother, who only came to the town when she came to live with us, would grumble given her choices between Southern Baptist or Catholic.

I frequently informed her that there was a third option to stay at home and I was frequently popped in the mouth for mouthing off.

But anyways, the main one is larger and brighter and, though just as overgrown in places and perhaps just as dark seeming, less...reclusive, perhaps, would be the right word.

The church’s cemetery is older, as well, which perhaps makes it much more solemn in tone. Many of the headstones are so bleached by the elements that their inscriptions can no longer be read and, I wonder at times, if the church itself even knows who truly is buried in what specific patch. The new ones, I’m sure, will suffer the same fate eventually.

Because what are cemeteries, anyhow, other than a temporary holding places, not only for the bodies, but for our minds too? Eventually, all who might visit a grave die off and it becomes ignored, forgotten, like the ones I mentioned before, with a headstone that’s as meaningless as the life it housed was.

But…

It means something to some people.

Like I said, I wasn’t taught to care for bodies. Or for graveyards. I’d never come to the one behind the Catholic church before I began walking its grounds daily. And I only went to the one that the rest of us get schlepped into after being forced by my father to put on the something nice and go pay my respects to whoever in our community finally found our maker. He would always tell me that it didn’t mean much to him either, my father would, but it was something you had to do. More for personal appearances, he’d say, than anything else.

You’re not paying your respects to the dead, he’d tell me. The dead are gone. And they care not of what we do on earth any longer. Rather, you do it for the family that they left behind. You go and whisper the versus from the bible that they picked out (or hummed along with the musical selection, for the two non-religious funerals he’d hauled me off to before) for the pastor to read to you. You bowed your head, kept your funeral suit clean (or dress that I hated with an equal amount of passion, in my case), so that you could hang it right back up in the foremost regions of your tiny closet back in your tiny home until someone else you knew a tiny bit in your tiny town passed away and you had to do the whole thing over again.

And if mentioning before that I have no one buried in the Catholic’s graveyard was an odd way of telling you that I have no reason to be there, this has been a very long and perhaps even more odd way of explaining myself.

Not necessarily to anyone other than myself.

Because I don’t even understand it.

Why I care.

Why I do it.

What difference it makes.

He’s dead.

His wishes don’t matter.

What they did to him before and after death no longer matters.

And yet…

I don’t...go to the cemetery behind the old Catholic Church because anyone I know is buried there.

I go there because the only person I knew that should have been isn’t.

I’ve lived in my town my whole life. It’s not too small, really, that every single person knows every single other person, but it is quaint in that most do. And many don’t leave. So I knew Max since we were kids. We went through school together.

See, he was two years older than me and, originally, had been friends with my older brother, in that weird way that kids are all kind of friends, aren’t they, so long as they know one another? Well, Max’s mother and father didn’t work in town, but rather in the city, about an hour away, so after school, Max would come to our house.

He and my older brother were supposed to play until his mother or father got off work and came to pick him up.  I don’t know how that all came to be, but I do know how it all fell apart.

Max and my brother were just different people. My brother enjoyed many things, but mostly rough housing. And, with a younger sibling, he should have been able to get a lot of that. But I wasn’t too keen on it, back then, and he says I was prone to crying, but I say he was far more prone to intentionally trying to break my bones, and, well, there’s such a wash between the two that the we never did rightly get along as children.

But he had Max. Max would rough house with him.

Or at least he tried.

Once.

It happened that first time Max came over to spend, oh, about five or six hours at our house before his mother picked him up, typically right after dinner and dangerously close to when my brother and I were to be banished off to bed. And many more hours on the weekend.

But I digress.

That first day, my brother attempted to put Max in some sort of...hold he’d seen on the ever scandalous professional wrestling that if my father knew he snuck to watch late at night, would have gotten the television we were only supposed to watch the news on tossed out on the street.

Max cried.

Immediately.

More than I would have.

It was...kind of a big mess.

Max probably would have never been allowed back to our house and his mother would have had to find another poor schmuck to feed and house her child for half the day (at least) while she worked had, after my frazzled mother gotten him calmed down, he not been sent to play with me.

See, I had a thing back then for bugs.

I loved them.

I liked catching them and messing with them. Probably, actually, torturing them would be a better term for what I did, as I frequently would accidentally harm them during this process when I was young, but what could you do? Our backyard had no fencing around it and, frequently, even at five, I was just allowed to roam around the forest surrounding with a scary amount of no supervision.

Like, none at all.

I had literally no fear.

Of anything.

And, we’re talking about late 90s, early 2000s. When everyone else just about had found this fear.

My town was so small though I guess it ghosted right over them.

It worked for Max and me.

He was bigger than me, obviously, being a boy and also having two years on me. And, unlike my brother, he seemed to enjoy exploring the woods with me. He’d help me climb up to places I couldn’t reach, to find bugs and such that I wouldn’t have been able to get to otherwise. We both enjoyed mud and dirt.

My brother did too.

He just basked in throwing punches and grappling while you were in said dirt.

So he didn’t play with us much. Not to say he never did, as I have many fond memories of the three of us (or whatever other friend my brother invited over) trekking around in the forest, exploring the landscape that seemed ever-changing in the eyes of such young children.

But it was mostly Max and I. It was always Max and I. Even as we got older. We were just meant to be best friends.

We didn’t always have the same interests. My obsession with all the different trading cards never rightly got him and his love for loud, thrashing music wasn’t an affair I chose to partake in, but we made it work.

It pissed my father off at times. I think the problem was less that I finally had someone that was as entertained by the same woods they’d grown up in since, oh, they were born and more that said person was Catholic.

Which I didn’t get when I was a kid. At all. I knew that Max went to the other church, on the other part of town, I knew that his bible had some other books tossed in there (we both, as children, were a part of our churches children’s programs where you get really cool treats when you memorize stuff like that; or at least I did, I think he just got called an altar boy or something; regardless, we both helped one another memorize them) and that, somehow, we weren’t worshiping the same thing, but I didn’t understand why. I knew we had depictions of a cross all over our house and that his family had Christ actually hanging from the ones in theirs, called crucifixes, but that seemed like a really weird distinction to make.

I still believe it to be rather arbitrary on both ends.

Mostly, I knew, after spending the night at his house, I would be questioned by my father about whether or not they tried to ‘make me read from their blasphemy’ or ‘worship their saints’ and all this other stuff that really made it quite a hassle as well as rather not fun to even spend the night with him.

Max got to stay up later than me though and watch a lot more TV as well as had video games, so the few times I could get this privilege, I just suffered through the third degree I got upon returning home.

Even as I got older though, and learned about the basic differences between all denominations and such, it still felt kind of silly, really, to Max and I both. Well, more me and he’d agree with what I said or any critique I leveled at either the church I went to, ones I saw on TV (which was another thing we were allowed to watch, over at my place), or what he told me about his. He never really spoke poorly towards his own faith, or mine, really, and mostly seemed uncomfortable when I would.

Max was very devout.

I learned that early on.

Bible stories were just things I listened to as a kid and were hammered home for me by my father at times, but to Max, they were everything. Even when we were a kids, he’d actually enjoy reading from his and studying and asking questions of his own father, who was much kinder, believe it or not, than my own, about such things.

Once, when I was about ten and Max was probably nearing thirteen, something that had never bothered me before occurred to me as we all sat around our kitchen table, eating. My father had probably just gotten home from work, because he was in a rather sour mood, I recall, which I should have realized and just not prodded him.

But...I never could read situations too well. Especially back then.

Max was with us, because he almost always ate supper with us, before his mother came to pick him up. That would be the last year, really, that he’d be forced to come to our house after school and the rest would be more habit or desire to be around me, I guess. And as he was sitting there, as dopey and so oblivious to what I was thinking as he ever was, just enjoying my mother’s cooking, I did it.

I put him on the spot.

Err, rather, my father on the spot with Max being the innocent casualty.

It was after we said grace (another thing both our families did over their food and to, what I assumed, was the same God which only confused me even more, honestly) that I asked my father if Max was gonna go straight to Hell.

I don’t know why it popped into my head then. Or why my father got so red in the face. Well, I do, on the latter, as I’d embarrassed him and was setting him up to look like an ass. And, if you didn’t know the way I asked it, it probably sounded like I was purposely doing that. Being a smart mouth.

It got me the belt though, I remember, and luckily Max’s mother arrived not soon after, saving him from any more embarrassment.

My brother bopped me in the head later that night too, and told me to stop acting like a dumbass.

But no one ever answered my question.

So I asked Max, the next day, when he and I met one another at the bus stop and my brother got distracted with tormenting the girl from down the road he had the biggest crush on all through school, what he thought. If we were going to the same place when we died.

He told me that he didn’t know and he wished that I hadn’t asked that, but that he’d talk to his father about it, if I really wanted. Which I did, but it was rather obvious then that my questions were making everyone involved uncomfortable, so I just sorta kicked at the ground and let the inquiry die.

From everyone’s responses though, I kinda knew the answer.

What we believed differed at enough points that, clearly, both our end goals weren’t the same.

Which bothers me now too, to bring us back to the present once more, and especially when I’m walking around that cemetery that no one I know is buried in and consider all I know about what gets you saved and what doesn’t.

Because I still believe.

Maybe not every day. Some days are better than others. And sometimes not in every instance or as devoutly as my father might grumble I should, when I get hung up on what he claims to be earthly matters, but…

Are all the people in the cemetery I walk around banished forever to Hell? Or are all the ones that I actually know in the other graveyard, across town? Or is Hell not nearly as important as we attempt to all make it?

And as I’ve gotten to an even longer way to tell you that I’m conflicted about everything I do, it’s about time to mention the obvious.

Max is dead.

But that didn’t happen until my senior year of high school.

Max and I never broke apart.

Ever.

Not once.

We were as tight as always when he and my brother both graduated from our town’s high school. My brother enlisted, off to see the world, while Max decided to go to the closest community college and see just a smidgen. He wasn’t sure what he was going to be, but he knew that he wanted to get away, just a bit, from our town.  

Every weekend though, he came back. He’d get into town on Friday right about the time I got outta school and we’d either spend the weekend working on whatever school related things we need to get done or killing time until Sunday afternoon like we always had; just hanging out.

Things slowly became different, of course, as he was living in a world that I wasn’t any longer. It was much the same with my brother, when we’d talk over the phone or he came home on leave. I was still living in our closed off little world that we’d all shared and they were branching out, only interacting with it when they chose to.

My junior year of high school, Max met a girl. Or a woman, I guess. I...never met her, so…

It’s not like he and I were ever…

But we weren’t not and…

I don’t know. It changed things even more. We talked and texted more, I think, than he came back home that year, that last year and a half, really, before I lost him. Which was different, but we were still the same. He still listened to me drone on about being alone and bored and I listened to him talk about his girlfriend so much that, though I only ever saw pictures of her, I felt as if I knew her.

She sounded nice, anyways.

That spring, Max was supposed to take me to the big dance we have at the end of the year. I guess the prom, technically, but we didn’t call it that. Seniors and juniors went and I’d gone with him both of his years, the first of which I spent more trying to drag my brother, who’d snuck drinks in, away from fight after fight, and the second where Max and I kinda blew it off and hung out behind the gym, alone, and just talked most the night, about his impending journey into anywhere but our town.

Anyways, when he came down, I could tell something was up. We’d hardly talked for the past two weeks and he hadn’t been home in at least a month. I even texted him that, honestly, I didn’t really want to go, but he claimed to need to come into town anyways and he promised and what how I shouldn’t waste my youth.

My youth.

I remember he said that because it sounded so funny. He was only twenty. If anything, he was getting a better youth experience than me.

Which I found out was very true as he came into town with far more on his mind than if his old tux still fit.

   We were sitting out on my back porch, the Friday before the dance, side by side, like always, but it wasn’t me talking (which, admittedly, was how most our conversations went). He was speak, instead, softly.

No one was home. Inside. My mother had taken her mom to some sort of dinner she was having with some friends and my father was at work. It was only the two of us. Max and I. But he didn’t speak above a whisper.

Not that it mattered. I picked up every last word. Every syllable, though my eyes were down, between the two of use, where a can of coke dripped in the heat of the oncoming summer evening. Max only stared straight ahead, however, into the forest, maybe, or the pink and purple sky. He didn’t look at me once as he unburdened himself about how stupid he was and she was and what were they supposed to do?

That was what he ended with, when he finally fell silent. What were they supposed to do? He was asking me. As if I would have a clue.

It’s not that I didn’t think that Max and his girlfriend were sleeping together. It’s just that I didn’t think about it. I mean, I knew that he was living a bit edgier than we had, back at home, but wasn’t that what it was all about? That’s what the television always led me to believe.

His life was so boring, back at home. Both of ours were. We were happy with them, I’d like to think. But as far as much experience went, in anything other than bug catching and discussing music, our lives were a bit lame. I could list, in order, the five girls Max had ever kissed and he couldn’t list the guys I had because they didn’t exist.

Which was fine.

The weekends were wasted in our bedrooms, playing video games at his, listening (softly, as not to disturb my parents or get a lecture on how sinful our tastes were) to music in mine, and I never had a problem with it. Had I been the same age as him, I assumed we’d be doing the same, in that town he was renting an apartment in. Go to college, come home, hang out with one another.

But that isn’t what happened. Max was free and living life and he fucked up.

That’s what I told him, in fact, still staring down at my coke can. I remember him holding his breath as I went on, something about how selfish and stupid he was and that he could do whatever he wanted, he could sleep with whoever he wanted, but why didn’t use protection? Or something?

Why did Max have to get her pregnant?

And why did he have to tell me about it?

I mean, I know the answer to the second. Because Max told me everything. And he needed me. Because we always needed one another. In good and in bad.

It wasn’t something I was willing to be that night though. Needed. Or helpful. Kind. I was actually very angry at Max. I went off on him for a little bit and he just sat there and took it, because Max always took everything I threw at him.

He was ruining everything. I was graduating in a few months and his two-year degree would be finished and we were going to be together. In town. In our home. Together. And we were going to spend every day together again. The way it was supposed to be.

And I was finally eighteen. So my father couldn’t tell me anymore that I couldn’t go stay the weekend at Max’s apartment. I mean, he would, if he knew that I was planning that, so I was certainly being naive in thinking that would happen, but it was something I envisioned. I wasn’t going to college or anything, (there was no possible way I could afford to, nor would my father wish for me to; I already worked part-time at the grocery store and the plan was mostly for me to go full time with little else decided upon) but I’d be an adult. Like him. And..

I told MAx to piss of and not even consider showing up at my place the following day, to pick me up for the dance. Or for anything. I didn’t want to see him again. He could go live his happy life at college with his girlfriend and just forget about me. I didn’t care.

He clearly already had.

Which isn’t what happened, of course. Max showed up, the next morning, sitting in our dirt driveway for I don’t even know how long, until my father noticed him out there and knocked on my door, awakening me from m sleepless night to alert me he was there.

We sat in his car for a bit, with the radio and windows down, not speaking. Eventually, he mumbled something about he wasn’t telling his parents and he’d appreciate it if I didn’t either, which got a snort out of me.

Then we sat some more and I wanted to yell at him, send him away, something to let him know how mad I was, but the night had washed away my trigger and I was left with silence. Fighting this, I told him after awhile, in a rather offhanded way, that they had confessionals for that, didn’t they? What did he need me for?

Max was rare to get angry with me. Very rare. He typically was the one taking the brunt of my quickly fleeting temper (something my father passed down, I’m sure) and suffered in silence for the most part. But there were times when I was too much for him. We spent so much of our lives in such close proximity that this not happening would have just been abnormal.

But he’d never looked at me that way. Until that day in his car. His eyes were dark and his face was dead and he stared me right in the eyes as he said to just get out then; if I was going to be so selfish as to make this, his girlfriend being pregnant, about myself, then he wanted nothing to do with me.

I’m not sure what other times he was the one to send me away either, rather than the reverse, but I know I didn’t like it. I slammed his car door and stormed back into the house, leaving Max to drive away and my mother and grandmother to pepper me with questions I couldn’t answer.

And I didn’t answer. Ever.

I never told anyone what Max told me that day, on my back porch, when he ruined what was essentially my senior prom.

It wasn’t truly the end of April before Max and his girlfriend had decided to abort the baby.

Which came as a shock to me, honestly, as in those weeks before this occurred, I really had limited contact with him. We were pissed at one another, him, in retrospect, I can see as rightfully so, and me less, perhaps, but you can’t help what you feel.

Considering we weren’t speak though, during this turn of events, I really have no idea what was going on with Max during it. My bit was only the after affects. I’m not even sure how far along she’d been when he told me, or if they’d discussed it before then, but I’m sure it was a pretty lengthy conversation. I’m very sure of that. And a horrible decision to have to make.

Which is the attitude I tried to convey myself as having to Max, when he showed up at our house, one Saturday evening, around ten, completely distraught and just needing me. My father was home from work by then, of course, and was less than pleased by the sight of him. Especially when my intentions to lead him p to my bedroom became clear.

I only told my parents that he and his girlfriend had broken up (an easy enough lie to get my mother off my back and, though not my father as well, to get her to force him to leave us alone for a bit) and shut my bedroom door behind us, leaving us somewhat alone.

Max sat on the floor, in front of my bed, with his knees pulled up, and looking completely pitiful. He’d texted me, before he arrived, that he was coming and what was going on, but if I was out of my element with unplanned pregnancy, I was certainly not someone who knew anything at all about terminating it.

That wasn’t something that was exactly discussed in my household, after all. Or the town, really, I guess. My father would grumble, when such a thing became a news topic on the television and I suppose it was mostly all just something that was meant to be hammered into my and my brother’s head already as wrong and no need for talks over.

A lot of things were treated that way, actually.

I’m sure my father’s parents didn’t speak with him on such things and, therefore, the bible would be enough of a manual for us on how to deal with such things.

But there was no verse, really, that could be stumbled upon, to cover such a thing. None that came to mind, at least, other than ones strung together about loving one another and forgiveness and a whole bunch of others that made me feel like it was okay then, to go sit with Max, just sit there, on the floor of my childhood bedroom, and rest an arm over his much broader shoulders, and say nothing.

Just be.

I wasn’t angry at him. Not anymore. I actually hadn’t been for awhile. In an immature way, actually, I had already begun to consider what our life would be like once he did have a child. Obviously different, but I…I know it sounds stupid, but I’d babysat before. And I thought I could do that. Help him and his girlfriend out.

His wife, I guess, actually, is what I thought she’d be at that point.

In my mind, I’d thought that, in order to not compound the sin, eventually Max would knuckle up, tell his parents what was going on, and that he and the woman would just get married. Again, simplistic and perhaps immature, if not just a way to complicate a situation, alleviation of sin or not, but it was truly the way the world worked in my world.

There were two girls in our small town that had gotten pregnant in high school. Once, back before I was even a freshmen yet, and another when I was a junior. Neither in my class, but I knew them. One got married immediately and ran off not soon after, before graduating even, to another town. Her mother went to our church and occasionally, her daughter’s name comes up on the prayer list and we all bow our heads as the pastor gives words of hope for her. The other still lived in town and, though the father of the kid’s run off now, they did get married. Before the baby was born.

It’s just pretty much a rule still, here, that this was what you did. The right thing to do.

What Max and his girlfriend did, down here, in my church, would have been scandalous. A lot of church gossip. Snide remarks. Maybe the pastor’s wife would talk to the young woman about it. Try to help her find salvation in it.

But in his church, Max’s, it was...it was damnation worthy, I’m pretty sure. Serious stuff. And in a small community like ours, where his faith was even tinier, I’m sure it would have been hell to admit. Blasphemous.

That’s what he cried to me, that night. Honest tears in his eyes, something he hadn’t done in years. Maybe a decade, actually. Since we were young children. Max was sensitive, but he’d outgrown crying rather quickly. To see him do so was…

And I should have told him, I know, now, about fuck it. What do they know? What do I know? He came to his decision and so did his girlfriend. And if it was right for them, I couldn’t judge them. And there was infinite forgiveness. Those are verses that I did know. About such a thing.

I was silent though, and didn’t go grab one of the infinite bibles around the house. Didn’t recite anything from memory (because believe me, there’s plenty of that in me) or anything like that. I just sat there, with him, and let him tell me all this, hushed now for a reason, and after awhile, when he fell silent, we were that way together.

For a long while.

Eventually he said he should go and when I glanced at him, his eyes let off that he’d been crying, but not over what, and that was what was important. He knew that there was no way my father would allow him to stay much longer and I knew this to be true as I could still hear him puttering around the house, my father, letting it be known that sleepovers had long been a thing of the past.

We hugged though, tightly, and I told him to come back in the morning, after church (there was no amount of breakups that could allow me to skip out of this; not if I still planned to live in my father’s home), and he muttered back that he’d go home, to his parents, and just say he needed to see me, for them to not worry.

Sunday was different. Max told me more. About how it had only been a few days, but he knew, in his gut, that he’d done the wrong thing and I tried to explain to him that this wasn’t necessarily true, but I don’t think I sounded too convincing because…

I mean, I had no right to judge him, like I’d mentioned before. And I would never know what it was like to be in that position. To have to make that decision. And I was seeing what he was going through, but I couldn’t imagine what his girlfriend was.

Still though, I think Max thought I was being hallow this. I probably was. Max and I never...had that rebellion. From our raising. Or at least not when we were together. In fact, the whole thing seemed like a fabrication to me. A story he was weaving. Nothing more.

We sinned. Everyone sins. But Max and I did, together, growing up. Lying sometimes, definitely cursing, listening or watching things we shouldn’t, discussing things we definitely shouldn’t, and just all the basic ways that most everyone does so daily without thinking about it.

My brother though, he went through it. Where he didn’t want to get up to go to church on Sundays and never went on Wednesdays and certainly was doing far more with the girl down the road he’d always had a crush on for far longer than Max had even had a girlfriend.

I don’t really know, deep down, where he stands currently, my brother, in all that he grew up believing, but I know that it wasn’t real for him, there, for a bit. So maybe if he was the one that Max confided in, things would have been different. Max would have believed him when he told him that it was alright. That he’d get through this.

Maybe he wouldn’t have ended every conversation with the suggestion that he pray about it.

Which I did.

Because that’s what I knew. And that’s all I knew. The only person besides Max that I went to with things was my father and there was no way I was asking his advice, so I was stuck. My high school life was ending and I wasn’t even getting to enjoy it because I was trying to daily, over texts and phone calls to convince Max that he wasn’t going to burn for eternity and that he just had to recommit himself.

Talk to someone.

I told him that later, when I was about two weeks out from graduation. I begged him, one night, on the phone, that he didn’t have to tell his parents everything, but that he should tell them something. That his father was much more understanding than mine and that he’d help him. Or his priest. Or hell, even my pastor. Just someone. Anyone. Didn’t he have any friends, up there in college? What about his girlfriend? Was there no solace to be found between the two of them?

Of course, now, I know that Max felt trapped. And alone. And wrong. And disgusted with himself. That he hated what had happened and himself and that he was hopeless. I don’t think, honestly, that he’d been doing well, probably, before she got pregnant to begin with, maybe. That’s what I tell myself. That he was homesick or something. Depressed.

Because the idea that one event could completely alter everything, change everything, make him in a matter of months lose complete hope, was asinine to me.

But maybe.

It didn’t matter, of course. Because I didn’t tell anyone. And he didn’t tell anyone. He was grown, so what the hell would I have been doing anyways? That’s what I told myself back then. That...tattling on Max wasn’t going to fix things.

Now I just wish I’d at least suggested his go see a therapist or counselor or something.

Anything.

I’d grasp at anything now.

Just to…

Max killed himself. I’m sure you know that by this point, but writing it out, seeing it in front of me, is probably good for me. It wasn’t written that way in the obituary I’ve saved from the local newspaper. Or the funeral program that sits on my desk and I look at, every time I get on the computer. I’m looking at it now, even, as I write this. The front of it has his little graduation picture on it. From high school, of course, as he never made it to his two year graduation.

He hung himself in his apartment the week following my graduation form high school. That was the last time I’d seen him. He’d come to that, for me, but was miserable. My parents and grandmother were taking me out to eat following it and Max was invited to go, of course, but he only hugged me and told me he’d call me later.

Which he did, that night. And the one after. But not again.

It was three in the morning, on a Tuesday when I got a text from him. It was so weird. I normally wouldn’t wake up for something like that. The vibrate on my phone is hardly enough to awaken me, but something did, around the time he sent that to me.

And I thought…

It was such a nice text.

I have it saved. I’ll never delete it. Ever. I’ll keep this stupid phone forever, if I can help. I mean, I don’t know what it’s doing for me, to look at it, as it doesn’t make me feel any better, but I pull it out, sometimes, when I’m sitting on those benches around the Catholic cemetery, just to stare at the digital letters and try to picture him texting it to me.

He was all alone. In that apartment. And I was here, alone too, but he was feeling it far more than me. But he still took out the time to tell me what he did. In his message. Wrote it out.

It’s actually two full messages. When I awoke that early morning to read them, I thought things were better. He told me that he’d felt it again, in him. God. The Lord. And that he knew what had happen next and that he loved me and I’m such a fucking idiot.

Aren’t I?

I thought that meant that he knew he just needed to get back into the church and that everything would be fine. That was the fix to everything, after all. Wasn’t it?

Seven was when I truly got up the next morning and, after having drifted back off foolishly believing everything was fine, I’d moved to read the message again. In the true morning. And send him one back.

But it didn’t...feel right. When I read it. In my right mind. Fully rested. And as I heard my father grumbling from the kitchen about how I wasn’t up yet, that he needed breakfast; graduating didn’t mean I could skip my week day routine, I just…

I didn’t know, of course, that he was dead. I’m sure that I could fool myself into believing so, if I really tried, but I know deep down that this isn’t the case. That’s stupid. I just...felt like if off. Especially when I went through the day and I didn’t get a text back or when I called him, he didn’t answer.

Wednesday would be when I found out. When his mother would come to the house, all upset and crying and my mother, who’d opened the door, was forced to hold her and let her cry it out while I got up from the couch, where I’d been enjoying baseball, to figure out what was going on.

It’s kind of a weird feeling. I don’t know how to describe it. It must be one of those ones where you know if it’s happened to you and don’t if it hasn’t, but…

Life wasn’t real. The past few months, dealing with the thing felt false and fake and still so...real. Or raw, I guess. Bitter.

Like...everything that Max went through, those final months, were all things that didn’t exist for me, not really, until they happened with him. To him. They were...movie magic. People had premarital sex, fine, but I didn’t. People make mistakes and get pregnant, but not me. People lose themselves in this world and aren’t able to use the Word as a guide back out, but that’s not something I could imagine happening to myself. And yes, sometimes gut-wrenching, heartbreaking decisions are made and sometimes abortion is just the only option that someone has. But that would never happen to me.

And not to Max either.

Until…

I’d never before that been so isolated from him. I mean, yeah, he had...guy stuff that went on with him, I’m sure, that he didn’t talk about me with, and my period wasn’t some sort of major discussion between us, but most everything else was out in the open between me and him. We’d known one another for so long that if you told me that Max was even considering ending his own life, I would have called you a liar.

Because not only would my Max, the most devout man I’d never met, commit such a horrific sin, but I wouldn’t have let him. Max meant everything to me. I would know if he was going through something that had pushed him to that edge. And I would have brought him back from it. I would have forced him back from it.

I tried, for awhile, to convince myself then that it clearly wasn’t my Max that had done this. It wasn’t my Max that had killed himself. My father, in fact, gave me a very good excuse as to why this had occurred.

That he was sick in the head.

My father wasn’t very eloquent, but this was actually his response any time we heard in the news about such a thing happening. If it was someone young, anyhow. Any mention of someone older, typically a man, and he’d grumble in that way he did about what a weak person that was. To leave their family with such a burden. How selfish.

And I’m not so sure he didn’t feel this way about Max. That he still doesn’t. And I’ve never known my father to be a liar, much less to mince words, but I do know that he… I mean, he’s never said it, but he has to love me. He just has to. And he knows how much Max meant to me.

So maybe those were just throw away words. Meaningless. That he didn’t mean it, when he told me that Max was just ‘off’ and that I shouldn’t think too heavily on it.

But I could have found meaning in them. If I wished. Could have agreed. Nodded my head. Dried my tears. Decided it was out of my control and therefore I shouldn’t trouble myself with it.

It was another Max int here, in his mind then, clouding my Max’s judgment. That was all. And it was sad and tragic, but not much I could do for him. His fate rested with our Savior.

I...I couldn’t though. Think that. I’d watched my Max, after all, fall into his pit and be unable to climb back out. I might not have thought it had gotten so deep, but I definitely knew he was falling. That my efforts to stop it were failing. So…

Maybe I’m angry. At myself. Or should be. Or something. Maybe that’s what writing this is supposed to get across to me. That my anger’s been misplaced.

In, of all places, the church that now officially has nothing to do with me.

When I found out that the service was being held in the church I attended, I was confused. Just for a moment. It made sense, after all. Max’s family was very devout. There was no reason that they would choose for this to happen.

Until I realized that they hadn’t.

I hadn’t told anyone, of course, about Max and his girlfriend… And I knew that his family didn’t know the woman, really, and even if they did know, they wouldn’t go straight to their priest with the information. I mean, they might have hauled Max’s butt there, if he were around and they found out, but with him gone…

No. Max wasn’t having the very intricate (or at least what he’d explained them as sounded so to me, in the past, when I asked) Catholic funeral fro a far more idiotic reason.

Max had committed suicide.

And that wasn’t allowed.

That one of the more concrete differences, I suppose, in my frequent questioning on the differences in what the two of us believe. Because, according to everything I’d ever been talk, once you take Christ into your life, nothing can ever wash him out. Not if you do it truly. If Max was a member of our congregation, it would still be scandalous. Extremely so. And a point of contention for many, over where exactly his soul currently resided.

But they have still let the man’s damn parents have a service in our church.

Max’s, however, from what I can tell, wasn’t as lenient. That’s why they went to confessional, I’m pretty sure. They had to, obviously, confess their sins. Aloud. To absolve themselves of them. And he couldn’t do that, absolve himself of that final sin. Suicide.

There was no penance in this act.

I don’t know why it bothered me so much. Why it still does. There’s rules. There just are. You can get upset and angry with them, but they’re still there. I don’t necessarily like every little thing I’ve been force fed since childhood, but it’s still law to me. It’s still real.

And if Max truly believed as much as he always told me, then he knew his punishment.

And...and if he didn’t then…

Then what does it matter? Huh? Who did his service? Where they buried him?

I don’t know. And I thought I would, by the time that I finished this. That I wouldn’t have to finish it. That I would come to some big, great epiphany over just what my hangup was, when no one else had it. No one else cared. That I wouldn’t even have to finish this...stupid writing.

But I’m here. Practically. And I still, for the life of me, can’t figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.

Some of Max’s friends came, of course, from the college. To his service. And I saw his girlfriend, in person, for the first time. I didn’t speak to her, but his family must have met her, at some point, because she sat with them.

I didn’t. I sat with my father and mother. I didn’t cry though, which was good, I guess, since it wasn’t something I enjoyed doing in front of my father. Really, I’m not even sure why it was still so important to me at that point, to prove that funerals didn’t bother me. That death was natural. That it happened.

Max was different. He would know that. He would understand. He even lied to me, I’m pretty sure, now that I’ve put it out there, about Max having been sick. And not just sinful. Selfish.

Weak.

Like ever other person who did this was, according to him.

Maybe that’s what this is all about. My father. Maybe he’s why I go and walk around that damn cemetery that means nothing to me. It possible.

Or maybe this is my rebellion. By feeling this way. By writing it. Is this my Ninety-five Theses? Should I tack it up on the cathedral’s doors? Or my church’s? Call them all hypocrites? Tell them that, deep down, sometimes, I think it’s their fault. Not mine or Max’s or anyone but theirs.

That Max wouldn’t have felt so horrible about what had happened, if they didn’t make him that way. That if they didn’t tell him since he was a child how horrible it was, to do the things he’d done. To think the things he thought. To feel the way he did. And that they weren’t there for him. They didn’t check in on him.

They didn’t care.

And now they can’t even house his body?

I...I...I know that his soul is gone form that body. I know it. It’s all I know. That it’s no longer here. But damn it if it doesn’t piss me off every time it even crosses my mind that he’s not buried in that cemetery. That when his parents die, if they want to be with him, they have to be buried in the other one. Even if I’ll end up over there, because hell, without him, I’m not leaving this town, I just know it, but even if I’m in the same cemetery now, as him, when I die in...however many years, it doesn’t make ti stop. This constant need to just...yell at someone.

I don’t have anyone buried in the Catholic cemetery.

But fuck, I should.

It won’t bring Max back. For him to be there. And it’s just flat out never happening. I know this. I know all of this. It doesn’t matter either. Because when people are dead, their bodies are nothing more than a carcass, a shell. Nothing. They’re nothing anymore.

Even if he was there, I’d probably just be angry at something else. Someone else. And I wouldn’t spend my afternoons, my lonely afternoons, in a cemetery I had never visited before and wouldn’t have had things been different, but I’d be doing something. Something miserable, without Max. And I’d detest it just as much.

Knowing this all doesn’t make me feel any better. Neither does knowing that I can’t ever tell anyone abut it. About any of it. Maybe...maybe one day I can tell my brother. More of it, I guess, than what I have. About what Max left out of that note that he’d put on his coffee table, for his parents and girlfriend. About the things that he’d only tell me.

Now that he’s gone, I don’t think he’d mind that so much. If I was just talking to my brother. Or maybe my pastor. Someone. Max was pretty understanding. He wouldn’t want me to feel this way. He’d hate it. To know that I was thinking these things, still, nearly a year out. That I walk that stupid cemetery path, in the heat and the cold, for no reason. That this is making me question things, things I’d never once thought about before, in my life. That it’s making me argue with my father, more and more, because he hates that I do it, that I walk around out there, and that it’s making me feel even more alone.

Max wouldn’t have wanted that.

He just wanted peace. He just wanted to make things right. Again. He felt like what they’d done was...wrong and evil and that the only way to atone for it, I guess, was with his own life. Or maybe he’d been depressed before it all happened and it just shoved him deeper down and he couldn’t take it anymore.

I don’t go see his grave. Where he’s actually buried. In the city graveyard. I haven’t since they first put him out there. I can’t. I don’t want to. I know his mother does. I see her in the store where I work. She always talks to me. She always smiles at me and I smile back, but they both seem fake and we both know it, but we do it anyways. And when I see his father, he always asks me if I’m saving money for school and I always tell him, again, that I’m never doing that and he always says to never say never.

But I do.

Some things just know.

My mother thinks it would make me feel better, to leave town. Go somewhere. Do something. Anything. But my father doesn’t think so. I...I don’t either.

A couple weeks ago, I was sitting with my grandmother, reading her mail aloud to her, when she randomly stopped me and started just telling this long story about after how once, when she was young, she ran away from home. Met a guy. She was happy. For awhile. Before she back home, when things went south. And that she met my grandfather, after doing so, and she was better for it.

I still don’t know if she was telling me that to let me know that there would be other men in my life, following Max, if I should leave and experience such things, or just her telling me one of her stupid stories, but either way, I didn’t help much either.

Max’s mother and father had to clean out his apartment. And, when they did, they gave me a box of some of his things. If I wanted them, his mother told me, but I took them of course. The box sits by my bookshelf and randomly I look through it. Nothing too interesting. I didn’t find some sort of ‘tell-all note’ or anything. I found a beanie hat though, that I wore during the winter and sits on my desk, atop the funeral program, that makes me feel closer to him.

I don’t know what I want anymore. What more closure there needs to me. I know why Max did what he did and I know why he’s not allowed to be buried why I think he should be buried and I know that it doesn’t matter if I knew these things or not, it would never happen and I should just get over it.

But I can’t.

I’m not looking for trouble, when I’m out there. I don’t talk to anyone. Don’t desecrate the place. Don’t defame. Just…

One day, it probably won’t hurt as much. To think about. It won’t bother me when his name comes up. Or even just hearing about someone mention sarcastically wishing to harm themselves. I’ll be okay. Eventually. I know I will.

But for now…

If I’m not hurting anymore…

Does it matter?

If I walk the worn pathways of that old cemetery?

I don’t have anyone buried out there.

I never will.

But one day, all the clean, crisp graves I see now will be illegible and the people who came to rest flowers over them so frequently will be buried themselves. And it won’t matter, who’s buried where or in what cemetery or what they believed, how they died, who they hurt and who they helped. Max’s over in the other cemetery will suffer the same fate and mine as well.

No one will care and we’ll all just be worthless plots of land, where wood encases bones long turned to dust.

We’ll all be the same then. Our bodies, at least.

Whose buried where truly won’t matter.

So what difference does it make then, if I keep walking around in the wrong cemetery, looking for something I’ll never get, until the ache is buried and forgot?

None. To me. There’s no solace in it for me, just pure repetition. But it’s something. Something to do other than stare at my phone, waiting for a text or call that won’t come, sit up in my room listening to that loud, thrashing music I never really liked, and contemplate the differences in two things ultimately rooted in one, all alone.

Considering what they couldn’t give Max, I think, really, it’s not too much to ask to get to keep doing that.

Is it?