#he also only wears short sleeves because of sensory issues

[meroshrine]

and now Movie Cole <3

[ban-styles]

PLS PLS do you have any athf hcs?? would love to hear about those !!! ^^ (for the show itself or for your gijinkas' designs)

I HAVE SO MANY HCS RAAHAHHH THNAK YOU SO MUCH!!! I’ll try and order them for you

MASTER SHAKE

• i feel like he would realllllyyy enjoy mortal kombat

• shake likes to get a reaction because it entertains him, hence why he does what he do

• shake has a lot of scars like.. everywhere, and maybe other recent lacerations

• shake can interchange his straw colour

• i feel like if he was around at the time, he would enjoy dubstep

• he needs glasses but doesn’t wear them, frylock bothers him to wear them 24/7

• shake wears rubber gloves / likes to shave his hair short due to sensory issues

• is one of the metalheads that will insist you listen to this band and hate this other band

• goes over to Carl’s house often to listen to metal cds, really one of the only way they’d bond

MEATWAD

• loves collecting plushies, sometimes frylock will buy him one every once in a while as a treat

• meatwad likes to fall sleep to lullabies

• meatwad has auditory sensory issues/hyperfixations!!! i specifically noticed this because he seemed to fixate on the mc pee pants music, and i noticed in other episodes he covers his ears to loud noises

• meatwad is very co-dependant, and maybe even has abandonment issues

• meatwad likes to draw pictures for the other two, frylock will either put them on the fridge and 1/5 times shake will rip them up

• meatwad enjoys wearing baggier clothes, if not, he will resort to a tight fitting long sleeve shirt

• he begs frylock to print out colouring sheets 24/7

• meatwad will trust people very easily because he wants to make friends

• he also collects little trinkets he finds around the house or outside, like bottle caps or parts of toys or cars etc

• he likes to make daisy chains :] he will ask shake, frylock and sometimes even carl to help him make a super long one

• he’s afraid of dogs, this is more recent as he’s picked up on the fact that they literally like eating him

FRYLOCK

• frylock likes to dress formally in a very casual matter

• he likes to stay organised

• knows a thing or two about plumbing, will fix pipes around the house and also helps Carl with his pool issues

• he deeply cares for his two brothers and has put up with them because of his sense of trust

• he likes to ask meatwad for his opinions on his gadgets, simply because he know he’ll jsut go “this is super awesome frylock and you are amazing”

• he became religious to help with stress, and also to find a different pov when researching for his experiments

• additionally, he likes to wear cross necklaces

• carries meatwad around on his hip

• he’ll occasionally carry the other two to bed and tuck them in / lay a blanket on them if they’re already asleep and he’s still awake

• he lets meatwad paint his nails, so he’s kinda walking around with messily painted nails 24/7 lol

[write-o-rama]

captain headcannons :3 ;

1 ) he has SUPER bad sensory issues , thats why he hates wearing clothes . though , hes found he likes cottony or soft things if he has to wear them . he especially hates long sleeves or pants . they rub against his arms and legs wrong when hes trying to get bad guys . DUHHH ! also , when he cannot wear his cape and he ' s supposed to be masking ( and does it horribly ) , he wears this one large red t - shirt . its soft , almost velvety . his ultra favorite . good texture ^_^

2 ) he has bandaids EVVERYYWHERE . hes super duper clumbsy and doesnt pay attention to his body much !! gets booboos easy :( poor goober !

3 ) back when krupp originally became captain & they began sharing a body , captain got upset with the mullet . the moment krupps partner edith passed , captain cut it all short and does it every time it gets too long for his liking . he threatens to cut it all off if krupp doesnt go to the barber and get it short again . if it werent for him , krupps hair would have been DRAGGING on the GROUND . rapunzel era !

4 ) krupp has always had extra canines that poke out when he smiles , which is why theyre never seen as much . captain is a smiley little goob so theyre almost always showing . why bro so :3

5 ) he LOVES the pool . hes not allowed in the water for obvious reasons but he loves sitting in his floaty with a reason to be in only underwear . krupp does not appreciate this . he almost always gets soaked because captain forgets and tries to jump in the water . poor critter , he just try have fun :[

ok ummm you can request any if youd like :3 im just spitballing GAHH i love you caprain underpant3s . .

[sharpth1ng]

Scream Wardrobe HCs Pt 2- Billy Loomis

Billy wears a weird blend of prep and grunge in the movie, so I tried to work with that while also considering how his style would develop after high school, because I think going to college and having an ounce more self acceptance would lead to some new threads for him

Tommy Hilfiger & Calvin Klien

This one seems obvious, I didn't put any polos here because we all know he wears them

He's got a bunch of their pullovers and button downs, they're simultaneously a prep brand but with looser fits and styles so they slide into the grunge vibe a little

definitely has one of the oversized horizontal stripe sweaters (a la kurt cobain)

He definitely has a pair of the CK cords (bottom row on the right) they've got that good soft/ridged texture, good for covert stiming

Also CK was controversial for putting up these massive homoerotic billboards and he doesn't even know but those pictures of marky mark grabbing his dick did some subliminal messaging

2. Levis

Boy got the 501 jeans in a few colours (blue pictured here but I think he would have the black ones too)

obvious obligatory plaid shirts, mostly in blues and greys

DENIM JACKET. I refuse to believe this kid didn't do the incredibly 90s denim on denim look at some point. Its really, really gay and he has no idea

3. Denim cut offs

This is his only pair of shorts, he almost never wears them

Stu keeps pulling at the loose threads at the bottom so they're slowly getting shorter and shorter

4. The classic 90's white tank top

Starts wearing these as undershirts, slowly they turn into just shirts, he wears them under unbuttoned shirts and stuff

Makes Stu lose his mind a little (Sorry, the shirt is slightly see though, Stu needs help)

5. Big fleece lined hoodies

Boy likes a hood, sometimes you gotta not show your face

Has a habit of pulling the sleeves over his hands, which he isn't actually aware he's doing but Stu thinks its cute

in high school he probably has a plain one(on the left), later gets the sick Nine Inch Nails one and Stu likes to steal it (also Stu calls the band Nine Inch Males and it makes Billy want to strangle him)

Edit: also he’s transmasc, every single one of us has a Big Hoodie™️

6. Obligatory turtleneck

These were massively popular, Skeet Ulrich had one

I just think he's pretentious and he goes to film school, this bitch has a turtleneck idk what to tell you

7. Dr Martens

Boy almost never wears sneakers, he likes the thick soles and the shit-kicking vibes

He gets a pair of the brogues (on the far right) in college during his turtleneck phase but still wears the ankle-high ones lots

8. Obligatory 90's leather pants and jacket

He buys these in like 1998/99, its the gayest thing he's ever done and it's because Trent Reznor wears them

This is basically lingerie to Stu, he's a weak man

Bonus, cause I gave Stu underwear so Billy gets some too:

He wears the ck boxer briefs (almost exclusively, you got sensory issues? You dont fuck around with underwear)

I told you this ad campaign was gay

More:

Randy

Stu

Sidney

[clunelover]

Big meltdowns today that could’ve been easily prevented by the teeniest bit of preparation -

So C hates pants, long sleeves, coats, socks due to sensory issues. Of course it’s been weirdly warm, and then not that warm but still warm enough for him to wear shorts…until yesterday. Last year I found one kind of sweatpants he said he liked and just got a ton of them. Some of them I got towards the end of pants season so I thought they would still fit him, and in fact they do, BUT in the intervening time he decided he doesn’t like how they feel anymore (of course he can’t say why) and they have holes in the knees cause he went through a phase last year of biting or, we suspect, sometimes cutting, holes into all his clothes!

So anyway I was desperate for him to be able to wear SOMETHING to school, so I grabbed a pair of E’s sweatpants that still fit them in the waist but are way too short in legs, which on C were nice and loose fitting which is a plus for him…and of course, today turns out to be pajama day (as part of spirit week) and those sweatpants in their mind aren’t too short, and are the closest thing they have to pjs, and they were very set on wearing them today and it was not cool for them to not be available and double not cool for their little brother to be wearing them!! And quadruple not cool that we didn’t even ASK (I feel them on that but also they draaaaag out of bed and weren’t available to answer pants questions at that time)

So yeah, I feel deep shame about not sorting any cold weather clothes until the first snowfall, esp given that we KNOW C is particular about his pants especially. Oh and his coat is just full on too small so he’s only got a hoodie today (the only hoodie he’ll consent to wear, because it’s a Minecraft creeper hoodie, so of course being branded clothing it’s like as thin and chintzy as it gets!!)

[that-darn-clown]

so. had an interesting thought about tghh!Cassidy and his autism. and by "interesting," i mean fucking hilarious.

so like. some context:

as i've mentioned before, Cass is semiverbal. the way this ends up manifesting for him is...similar to selective mutism, but different enough that it's clearly Not That. like, at his best, he's able to talk using short sentences and phrases without too much difficulty, but still stays pretty quiet most of the time. the different tiers of this are:

Most Comfortable (at home with family, or with the Emily's): see above. this is where you'd probably hear him talk the most, and with the least difficulty.

Out In Public/Surrounded By People (ex. Daycare, Pre-K, Freddy's, Fredbear's, school if he'd managed to live to that point): can still talk, but heavily prefers not to. responds with single word answers or short phrases, but speech sounds more forced or "odd." again, had he lived, he probably would've learned sign language and used it to communicate where possible.

Straight Up In Distress/Having A Meltdown (see Fnaf 4 minigames, or most of the time during the period between Andrew's Death and The Bite of '83): can hardly speak, but can make sounds. any speech he does make is usually extremely forced, and it sounds like he's effectively choking the words out. mostly communicates in one word answers/short phrases relating to whatever he's in distress over, or about getting it to stop (i'd say to see the only actual dialogue we get from him during Fnaf 4, where he's begging Mike to let him out of the Back Room in Fredbear's, and where he's begging Mike and his friends to not put him in Fredbear's mouth. that sort of thing)

he stims in a lot of ways! flapping his hands (especially with long sleeves...totally not projecting, not at all), rocking a bit while sitting down, bopping his head to music, chewing his thumb or sleeves (depending on if he's around family or loved ones who won't judge him, or if he's in public), doing the Pop Cat Thing (i do this myself. you probably know what i'm talking about), humming various lil tunes to himself, and i think he'd have a vocal stim of just saying things like "boop" to himself. or while booping the noses on his plushies. that kind of stuff.

horrific! sensory! issues!! doesn't like bright lights and loud sounds. there's several foods he doesn't like because the Texture Fucking Sucks. if his clothes aren't soft/they feel like sandpaper? won't wear them. he doesn't like the feeling of chalk on his fingers but still plays with it anyway because he finds it fun. it's a similar situation with dirt (basically he doesn't like the feeling of dry stuff sticking to his fingers...but he's got no problem with wet or even slimy stuff-)

special interests! plushies, sewing, stuff along those lines. also would've gotten into baking when he got older and i take no criticism on that. also would've gotten into a lot of morbid shit too had he lived. just reads these old mystery novels, short stories that are. really interesting for an Elementary School Student to be reading (think stuff like The Most Dangerous Game by Richard Connell and The Landlady by Roald Dahl), and is just very fascinated with how stuff like anatomy works. the kid also likes horror movies. so just let that all sink in.

carries around his plushies (or A plushie) as comfort items. if he went to school, i can see the teachers just letting him keep them with him because They Aren't Dealing With His Dad. Fuck No. (even in a timeline where no murders happen, William probably still scares people. he's not only Really protective over his kids and takes their side in almost everything, but he's also a REALLY tall guy. he also just has the constant wide-eyed, unhinged hare-esque look. it definitely doesn't help).

so, with all that out of the way. here's the funny thing i thought of:

in the good timeline, where everyone lived and Cassidy got to go to school, i like to think that eventually his teacher (and just. most of the staff, let's be real) started to suspect this kid had something up with him (specifically autism) and decided to have "That Discussion That Teachers Apparently Have With Parents When They Strongly Suspect Your Kid's Neurodivergent" with William.

so they pull Cassidy into the principal's office to have a meeting with him, William, and the teacher. they basically tell William "hey, we think your son's autistic. maybe get that checked out? either way, we're willing to help how we can." they then have to tell him "no, this isn't a bad thing and we aren't insulting your child. please sir calm down" because he thinks them calling Cassidy autistic was like. saying it was a Bad Thing (remember, this is. the 80s, unfortunately. so you can see why he'd be worried).

Cassidy, during all of this, is sitting there and doing his Pop Cat stim while he (impatiently) waits for this meeting to be over. the kid just wants to go back to lunch and eat his turkey and cheese sandwich in peace >:/ (< also has issues with his routines being interrupted. this kid hates Fire Drills for multiple obvious reasons)

then, in the middle of all of this, William drops a bombshell of:

"Well, why would his behavior be odd to me? I used to be like that when I was his age. I'm even still like that now, for God's sake."

so now Cassidy's 4th grade teacher and the principal have to deal with the "should we tell him/who's gonna tell him" moment of "Oh Dear Fuck, There's A Possibility That Mr. Afton, THE Mr. Afton, Is Autistic."

and then that unravels into the realizations of, in this order:

Oh Fuck, Michael And Elizabeth Are Probably ALSO Autistic. Which Explains A Lot

Wait...Michael And The Emily Twins Seemed To Act Kind Of Similar. Like, They Got Each Other In A Lot Of Ways That No One Else Seemed To. Oh Jesus-

Wait. (Remembers What Henry Himself Was Like During Parent-Teacher Conferences...And Meetings In General) OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE-

and that's how Cass's 4th grade teacher and the Elementary School Principal discovered that the entire Afton and Emily Families were autistic. This Explains A Lot. Including Freddy's And Fredbear's.

This means so much to me you have no idea

[thegloriouspapernapkin]

idk if my design counts because I just make him a little more eldritch and took the ‘copying’ of a Sans too literally but I am taking this chance to infodump about my nightmare design. bear with me. this is the current design I have, which will probably change a bit:

if it looks a little odd I don’t blame you, but it shall make sense (these are all headcanons)

- when nightmare left dreamtale, he was like 6. it was also late summer/autumn there. this is important because nightmare assumed that because dreamtale would have colder weather, so would the rest of the multiverse. this is why he has the clothing of a Sans-he used the sweater because he didn’t want to freeze and the shorts because they were easier to walk in, and this habit stuck.

- this comes with downsides, though. nightmare tore the sleeves off because he couldn’t handle how the wool scratched his bones (sensory issues), and because they always got too heavy due to the tarlike stuff soaking into them and blood/dust got stuck in them too easily. He also wears fingerless gloves (kind of like bike gloves) to help with keeping whatever he’s holding tar-free. he finds it super annoying to constantly sticky-ify things when he touches them.

- nightmare uses a shawl because he can move easily with it, it’s stylish, and it actually makes it harder for monsters, humans, and animals alike to pick out his form in darkness because from the front and sides, it blends his silhouette so he looks less recognizable as a humanoid shape when still. of course, it doesn’t work perfectly, so nightmare has to use his tentacles as well. that’s a whole other story and I’ll put that on a later post with an in-depth look at how his body works because I am not typing that out.

- for the ‘why does he look like sans’ thing, I had the terrible idea to make it so he would stalk and then mimic a sans by killing them and wearing their clothes (and using the tarlike stuff and his tentacles to create extra features/limbs), then luring as many unsuspecting monsters and humans as he could to their deaths by copying their movements and getting the victim to stray too far away from safety

now, for my favorites:

- while wearing shorts and ripping the sleeves off sweaters is nice for mobility, it also leaves nightmare’s arms and legs open. this results in scratches and bruises, and nightmare solves this by wrapping random fabrics he finds while traveling the multiverse around his shins and lower arms, each a little subconscious souvenir.

- once, centuries ago, nightmare was doing particularly poorly. this was only years after the dreamtale incident, so he was still learning how to properly survive (something I highly doubt the villagers would have even thought to teach him). Someone in the AU he was hiding in had seen him fleetingly a few times around their home, and left out food and fabric for the kid to use. that’s where the fabric in his arm comes from-one of the only tokens of kindness ever given to nightmare. that Someone might have tried to take him in and raise him, but knew that whatever nightmare was, he would never feel at home in a house. he is and will always be a nature spirit. (his mother is a tree for god’s sake)

- this mf despises shoes and socks. he only wears boots when he absolutely has to (for example, if he for some reason needed to meet with someone of high status)

oh and this one

- nightmare keeps things on him at all times. Literally. when he was passive, villager kids would take his things when he wasn’t looking (or sometimes when he was) and so anything he really needed or wanted to keep had to be on him at all times. he also needed to do this when he was constantly traveling after he corrupted. due to this, nightmare has a habit of keeping things like bags, string, assorted jewlery and other things literally tied to him. he’ll even put rings of keys around his ribs, and since I also headcanon that skeletons can rattle their bones both subconsciously and on command, he can make a very eerie noise when he’s moving quickly just to scare people. Dream recognizes the sound, though, so he has to be careful.

- and if you ask ‘well how does nightmare even get them off his ribs’ then I shall respond with ‘it’s a long story, but essentially because of the corruption he can open his ribcage kind of like one of those giant hair clips that kind of look like crabs (but only for a few seconds without hurting himself)’

that is a wall of text have art now (warning for a bit of gore on the first image!)

oh also forgot to mention but due to the tarlike stuff he has lips that he can peel back :D

he’s so dog-horse shaped :}

and yes I’ll make an au for this it’s just gonna take me forever ;-;

I still despite how LAZY canon Nightmare design is so please, PLEASE, if anyone haves redesigns i wanna see them.

HE DESERVES BETTER.

[yourturntositcom]

Admin Shin giving physical appearance descriptions here +a few other things because he is tired and he didn't do the drawings cause he used his art sauce for redrawing cgs- tw for: mentions of past abuse, scars, self harm(past and present) and other things that intale with descriptions. Plus a bit of me projecting some of my physical insecuritues cause my au my bullshit- this will be the first of a few posts cause I know shit ain't easy with long shit. 1/? Greenblings + Yabusames

Shin: pale to the point you can say he glows, a half sleeve of tattoos one of the plant Kanna, another that's a chemistry joke, and this symbol ; mostly on his forearm. Cyan hair cut very choppy with some shaved of in the back, Grey blue/green eyes. Various scars on his body that he covers with clothing(self inflicted and those inflicted by others), is around 160cm tall. Twig™ like he a stick and barely weights anything. Burns really easily and bruises easily, most of his scars are on his thighs because of this. Is cis and purely gay, He/him pronouns but doesn't really care. Trust issues and depression from little baby years when he was in the foster care system, was adopted when he was 6 but has a lot of his memories locked behind disotiative amnesia(it doesn't affect his current life thus he ignores it). Only 2 people aside from himself that knows of his habits of self harm, he started a little before his first time meeting Kanna.

Kanna: braids her hair it is a sea glass green, a light tan from existing in daylight, has stretch marks on her chest and thighs, chubby baby thighs, at a healthy weight in comparison to Shin, is 165 centimeters tall and not done growing, has a few scars from past foster homes like Shin but they are much more faded. Eyes a pale green/blue color and freckles speckled on her face. Has body hair that she chooses not to shave/wax off cause she doesn't mind it unlike Kugie or Shin. Cis girl and bi uses She/her pronouns but doesn't mind other pronouns being used for her. Was adopted at age 4 and didn't have many foster homes before getting adopted and doesn't have any memories from that time due to aging.

Kugie: short brown bob with poorly dyed edges, tanned skin with light tan lines, has slight scarring on her knees from many times of busting it up. Healthy weight and 170cm tall(yes she rubs it into Shin's face all the time-), has some muscle and can lift bro. Dark brown eyes nearly black. Hates having body hair and waxes it when it appears again, mostly cause she feels gross with having it on herself for sensory reasons. Is a trans girl she/her/they/them pronouns very uncomfortable with any other pronouns. Met Shin at age 12 and didn't like him at first, by coincidence ended up going to the same high school as him a few years later. Takes puberty blockers for the current time being. Is 16.

Midori: homeless as shit, doesn't look homeless though, same hair color as Kanna and same eyes as Shin. Doesn't have any physical scars(shocking I know-), wears only a prison uniform really. Can't talk to Kanna or Kugie due to a restraining order, Shin ordered it for them but not himself when he was 18. Pale in a normal way, has a weird birthmark on his stomach which matches with Shin. Is around 176cm tall. Somehow not malnourished despite his usual shit. Is 25, 3 years older than Shin and 11 years older than Kanna. A cishet man that uses he/him pronouns.

Reko: has dyed her hair bright blue with a bit of pink after Alice did in their teens, has kept it that way for years just cause she likes it. Has ear piercings and a tattoo it's a simple flower that Nao designed. Is 168cm tall and has a generally muscular person. Cis lesbian uses she/her pronouns but doesn't really care. A music major in college, 23 years old. Is a punk rock chic when out and about but steals Nao's clothes while in the apartment, is also dating Nao.

Alice: is tall aka 180cm tall, really muscular and works out with Reko for fun. Got a music degree a few years back but didn't get any job in the field yet, was in a band with Reko but had left it a little later due to creative differences. Bongos. Is a trans queer man, he/him pronouns doesn't care if you respect his pronouns or not but will beat your ass if you don't respect others. Has a tattoo of Reko's birthdate on his arm, went with Shin to get it, he cried while Shin comforted him over it. Works at the same place as Shin at a similar position, he has saved Shin's ass out of getting fired multiple times. Has a similar style to Reko but wears similar clothes to Shin while at home, dumb graphic tees, yoga pants and hoodies, half of what he wears comes from Shin's closet. 25 years old.

[bluepenguinstories]

Happiness Overload Epilogue II

There was an abundance of color which burned through me. Weary, I looked up and saw the clouds in the sky, a gentle chill ran over me. To think that the outside world could be beautiful, I never would have imagined before. It made tears well up, and for once, it felt good to let them out.

“Do I belong here? Is it right? I don’t know, but I’m glad to be back,” those words sounded strange aloud. As if spoken by someone with a little more life in them. It wasn’t that I was in denial, it was just surreal to me to feel such things and allow myself to enjoy them.

As I began to pick myself up, I realized where I was: that same rooftop where I fought with that woman named Rhea. That stung, the memory resurfaced, and although she was not in front of me, for a second, I thought I could see her corpse.

“I’m sorry. I wish we could have met under different circumstances,” I took a deep breath and picked myself up off the concrete surface. “It would bring me just a little bit of joy if I could set some flowers down here.” Of course, none came. That was just something I would have to get used to.

Near me was the door down, into the building, and back onto the street. When I went to turn the handle, the door turned out to be locked. Foolishness and frustration, I continued to try to open it. I knew what excited me wasn’t up here, but no matter the use, I could not open the door. That was another thing I would have to get used to.

So for the moment, I slid down and sat. How I got back home in the first place was nothing short of a miracle, or a wild coincidence that I had to suspend my disbelief for. In short, all that happened was that I found a Time Cube inside a desk drawer. It took some tinkering with, and even then, I wasn’t sure how I managed what with my mental state, but it looked like it worked.

Not long after I had sat and tried to recall how I made it back, the door opened behind me: it was a security guard. Afraid, I told him that I didn’t know how I got there, but I found myself locked out. Yes, it was a flimsy excuse, but maybe the guard felt sympathetic, or just didn’t care.

“Just try not to wander too far off next time,” was all the guard said in response. I nodded, then made my way back down. “Oh, and you should be careful. We found a dead body lying here just a few days ago.”

In shock, I turned around. “Did you happen to catch what happened?”

“No, that’s the weird thing. I was off that day, but apparently the footage feed that day was having technical issues, otherwise it would’ve caught whatever happened.”

“That’s scary. I just hope no one else was hurt.”

“By the looks of things, it was self-inflicted. There were weapons at the scene, but from what I heard, only her fingerprints were found. I also heard no one could identify her, so she’s been marked a Jane Doe. Strange case all around. Funny thing, too, we had this whole area blocked off until just yesterday.”

It must have been due to the entity that I wasn’t caught on camera. As an institution, I despised his presence, but I was just glad to be out of there. Down each flight of stairs I went, with hurried steps, while others in their offices paid no mind to my presence. Once I was out of the building and into the streets, I became overwhelmed.

The crowds, the noise, the sea of buildings. It was too much to take in at once. I heard too much, I saw too much, and it left me in a panic.

It’s okay. You’re not too far from home.

Was what I told myself, but I didn’t even know whether or not it would work out. Rather, it was just the one goal I had and the one tool at my grasp to manage the sensory overload.

Familiar apartment complex, familiar feeling. Hesitation all over me, just like last time.

Still, I repeated the same action and knocked on the door.

What if she doesn’t live here anymore? Or I ended up in the wrong universe by mistake and she doesn’t know me? Damn it, I’m so scared. Have I always had such levels of anxiety? Is it just exclusive to this one situation? Maybe I shouldn’t be here after all. What if she hates me? No, she doesn’t. Or won’t. But maybe she should. No. Stop that. Haven’t I learned anything? I’m at least going to give this a try.

The door slid open.

She was right in front of me. It was her.

“I recognize that knock anywhere,” was the first thing she said, before the door was even fully open. Wow. She’s got me right down to how I knock, huh?

There we were. Face-to-face. I was about ready to break down then and there. I looked down, my lips quivering, and watched as her expression turned from a dull one to one of excitement; eyes widening, lips spreading to a smile.

“Hey, I know you!” She beamed.

I felt incapable of saying anything in response, even though I wanted to.

“So, uh, did you,” was she stumbling on the words too? “Did you figure anything out while you were away?”

I wanted to nod my head, say yes, but all I did instead was continue to look down. When I tried to speak, all that came out was a whimper.

“This is a bit awkward,” she sounded nervous as well. “I mean, you’ve probably been through a lot, so it would probably be bad to say that I kind of just assumed you’d be back sooner or later, wouldn’t it?”

I took a step forward, dived in, and hugged her tight. I didn’t even realize that it had turned into a tackle before it was too late.

“Hey, hey! Watch out!”

We both fell over onto the floor.

I remained on top of her, my head buried in her shoulder as I began to break down in tears.

“There goes my spine,” she croaked. “Can I move my arms? Nope. Too tight.”

I continued to sob, my face pressed against her neck. She reached a hand up and stroked my hair.

Liar. You said you couldn’t move your arms!

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. I missed you too.”

For whatever reason, hearing that just made me cry more. She continued to stroke my hair. I didn’t know whether or not it was okay, but I began kissing her cheek.

“Aw, she’s kinda cute. Can we keep her?”

“She’s not a dog. You’re married to her,” I heard Trent say.

“Wait, really?” She acted confused.

“That’s it. I’m outta here,” I leaned up and saw him walk out the door. “No, but really. I got work. So, see you two later. Unless some other crazy shit happens.”

I got off of her and sat up. As I tried to wipe my face, I managed to finally speak.

“After last time, I didn’t think I would come back. I wasn’t even sure if I should. For a long time, I just thought it was an act. I told myself I didn’t care what happened to us because I didn’t think there was anything that could be done. To know I once told myself such things, it hurts to think about. That I left last time and I thought I had done too much damage. I didn’t think myself worthy. I –” I stopped myself. I was getting too worked up.

“It’s okay. Didn’t I tell you that last time? It’s okay if you’re not okay, so,” it looked like her eyes were getting misty. “I wasn’t okay. I know you said that you hoped there was some universe where both of us were happy, but I was still worried about the you that I know. That’s why I kept hoping the whole time you were gone that you would be safe. It looks like it reached you,” she laughed, even while a couple drops of tears ran down her face as well.

“I’m sorry. I know myself a whole lot better, but it still doesn’t change the past.”

“I know. But I think it’s better than thinking you’re no longer you,” she gave a little laugh again, then pointed at my arm. “Oh hey, cool bracelet! Did you get that at a gift shop or something?”

Right! The bracelet! I forgot all about that, being so caught up in the moment.

“Um, actually...maybe I should tell you everything that happened while I was away…”

“Sure! But first, grilled cheese! I haven’t had breakfast all day and you’re probably hungry, too!” She got up to head to the kitchen.

“Wait!” I reached my hand out. “Shouldn’t I do that?”

“Why? You’ve probably been through a lot, and they’re easy to make, anyway.”

“Because! Um...someone told me to!”

“Well screw that person.”

I felt like hitting my head against something. Couldn’t I have come up with a better excuse? I had missed her so much and yet I was letting her do everything. Well, it wasn’t like I hated it…

Once she came back with a plate of grilled cheese sandwiches for me, we moved to the couch and sat next to each other. I told her all the different things I experienced and the people I met. I prefaced with “okay, but it might be hard to believe,” and she sat and listened until I was done.

“Wow, you’re right. If not for all the crazy stuff like time-travel, weird stalker mercenaries, and monster girls, I wouldn’t believe you. Oh! By the way, can you still turn into a monster girl?”

“No.”

“Aw! That’s it. I wanna break up.”

I balked. “Come on!”

At least I could tell she wasn’t being serious.

“Still, to think there’s another me out there. I mean, makes sense, right? But still wild to think about. It’s kind of a relief, though. That she’s like that.”

“Yeah, and she figured it out, too. That was something else.”

“Of course. I’m more surprised no one else did. You sure did drop a lotta hints.”

I let out a heavy sigh.

“I guess I’ve become easy to read now.”

“You’ve always been the type to wear your emotions on your sleeve, or at least to me. I’m glad you’re no longer trying to hide it.”

I sniffled. “Thank you.”

We kissed, then I said, “I’m glad to be back, but I think I need some rest.”

“Of course,” she nodded. “I hope you rest well.”

Later in the afternoon, not yet evening, Trent came back. He was only on break, but he came back to get some stuff from home. I tried to fill him in real quick.

“You know, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’m gonna miss all the crazy stuff surrounding her. It’s gonna feel real normal now.”

“Oh. Hm. Yeah. You’re right,” I got out my phone and started clicking.

“What are you doing?”

“Hiring a clown to come over and scare us.”

“Okay, that’s it,” he tried to grab my phone from me.

“Nooo!” I wrested it away.

Yeah, maybe it would be a little quieter and less dangerous, but that didn’t sound so bad.

In the bed, I was curled up, equal measure smiling, and in tears. It was just an expression of joy, even if it still felt intense.

“I can’t believe it...I’ve found home…”

The tears soaked the pillow, but soon, my eyes closed, and I was able to drift off to sleep. I knew it would still be difficult, now that I was much more emotional, but I felt like with time, I could manage, and find greater joy from it.

[buttercupyellow]

Reasons I think L has Aspergers (from my personal experience)

Disclaimer:  I haven’t read up on Aspergers properly, nor am I a psychologist (I took it in the sixth form for 1 year and had constant anxiety attacks - not an experience I want to retry).  99% of this is based on my own experience of having Aspergers.

In no particular order:

The way he sits, with his feet off the floor or curled by his chest.  L says he does this so he can deduce better, probably true.  But this is a defensive position (protecting himself) due to people being around him.  The only time I think we see him sitting differently is when he’s alone/talking through his laptop, with no one there to watch him.

I also sit with my feet off of the floor (when I can) either crosslegged or close to my chest (not the same way as L but similar).  I noticed that when there are fewer people in the room I tend to sit more ‘normal’.

His shoes, or lack of them.  He rarely wears shoes or socks, likely due to sensitive skin.

I also have trouble with shoes and socks, though I do wear them properly for going out.  But while at home I don’t wear anything on my feet as it’s just really uncomfortable, especially if I have a sensory overload going on.

His hair and how it’s styled on his head.  I actually doubt that it’s a style, I think it’s just tangled/wild.  Which is probably because he has a sensitive scalp and doesn’t like his har to be brushed.  He probably keeps it long to hide in as well, I’m sure there is a scene where this happens.  

I also have a sensitive scalp and hate my hair being touched by anyone else but me.  I rarely brush it due to this and also need to keep at least the fringe long enough to hide under in case I get scared or embarrassed in public.  It’s a substitute hoodie now that I think about it.

His clothes and how he wears the same thing.  The fact that he only wears one outfit says that he prefers comfort over fashion.  His long sleeves and long trousers also indicate that he is self-conscious, at least around other people. 

I actually have quite a few outfits, but most of them have a specific ‘formula’ to them.  Mostly they’re jeggings and jumpers/shirts but if it’s hot I’ll wear shorts instead.

His bad posture.  I reckon this is another defensive position for him, seeing as it straightens when he’s by himself. 

I have one of the worst postures I have ever seen in my life, save for the elderly or someone with an actual spinal issue.  I’m pretty similar to L but in a less cartoonish way.  It gets worse with more people around but even alone I’m never straight-backed.

His susceptibility to depression.  During the Yotsuba arc L says he’s feeling depressed and definitely acts it.  He doesn’t seem to enjoy anything he normally would and does the absolute bare minimum. 

Something my Diagnosis Lady told me was that anyone who has any form of ASD (or any mental illness) is immediately more susceptible to depression.  I have also had moments in my life that I have suffered symptoms, even from a very early age I have had periods of not liking my normal hobbies or bad thoughts, etc. I bounce back after a day/week normally though, a little like L in that respect.

His overall social anxiety.

His sitting position, his posture, and his hair all point to this being a major part of L’s social anxiety.  While his blunt and often confident conversations sometimes overpower this idea I think it’s something that he does to ‘fake it till you make it’ or that he feels that he is in a powerful enough position to take control of the situation.

Sensory overload.

His clothes and shoes point towards the idea that he has trouble with sensory overload.

[daily-life-of-crow]

May 9th, 2022 Part 1

Hey so today has been pretty decent I suppose. I woke up later than usual but I was able to catch my bus still. It sucked a little because I nearly couldn't find my meds because my dad moved them. It was pretty warm outside this morning. It was I think 55°F when I left? Somewhere around there. The weather has been weird because we just came out of a cold spike and now there is gonna be a heat spike. Thursday it is supposed to be 90°F. See I really don't like the heat but there should also be storms around this time which makes it worth it. So one of my close friends Froggie wasn't gonna be at school so my rhythm was thrown off a little. I think I am gonna designate animal names for all of my friends because why not. Btw right as I write this, me and Hyena just laughed because the name of Froggie came up in a bio video. Anyways back to retelling my day! So during my first hour, a study hall, I did my Algebra 2 homework but alas there where 3 problems I didn't understand but now I understand 2 of them. So when the bell rang I couldn't say bye to Froggie for they weren't so yeah not as fun. Then off I went to my my second hour, Algebra 2. So turns out we have a quiz tommorow and I will not be at school so that's fun. (Ok I now got to my fifth hour and these boys were whistling and it was not fun this is supposed to be a study hall-) Anyways, I got my problems for the most part understandable then I realized I have more stims than I realized. Turns out, listening to the same song and audio are not normal and are a stim. That was very fun. Then in Chemisty, we measured the lab we started on Friday. Then my teacher Mrs. G helped show us the calculations for it :). Then in Biology, we just finished a packet which I definitely have done./s Then we watched the video like I mentioned. As I am writing this I am in my study hall. After this I get lunch. Sorry for all the time and POV switching things. I plan to write this as my day goes on. Oh I just remembered I have to grab a bus pass! Yeah I will get that when the bell rings. Another thing is that my mouth has been dry all day and I know it's due to my meds. It's not fun like yeah I could drink more water but I hate the bathrooms here and there are only two I feel comfortable using and one I can't use because we are done with plays for the year :(. Also during my study hall I reviewed chapter 17 and 18 of To Kill a Mockingbird because I think we have a quiz on it today in English. Lunch sucks so bad today nothing is edible. I also am not fully connected to the conversation. There is to much happening so I am not here. This is not fun I think I'm not sure. I also had to touch a doorknob and I hated it so much. Sorry I am trying not to swear on here and it's kinda hard. Apparently Bear used a spork to comb his beard? Not sure. I also feel weird because I am wearing a short sleeve and yeah not a fan I guess. Body feels wrong and I had to explain to both Bear and Opossum why I don't like touching doorknobs. Also Fairy keeps touching me with their leg and Penguin had to move closer to me because another person came to sit at our table. I really hate being touch so bad. It makes me very uncomfortable. I also had to use my hair ties to make my arms feel better because rought textures are lovely. I am not sure on how I feel now. I also looked at some silk gloves so I don't have to touch doorknobs during the summer. See I don't like the texture of silk that much but they would be cooler for the summer heat. Just found out that the place I go to every monday I can't go to. So I just got to my 6th hour, Carrers, and a kid walked in and screeches which hurts my ears a lot and gives me sensory issues. Yeah not that much fun. So that is my current update. I really don't like loud noises. Also I kind of want to punch the kid who came in and screeched. He is very annoying but yet again I don't know the whole story. I am not sure how to feel or put a stance on things. I also want to put my hair up but in English I can't have it up because I like my earbuds in and Mrs. O doesn't like that.

Songs on Loop:

CHAMBER by Banshee

Happy Face by Jagwar Twins

Chin Up High by Ame Bibabi

Tem Shop by Toby Fox

Ackerman Style by Franco Aurelio and Prbtre

Fell asleep to Jeffer Drive by $uicideboy$

New Information:

There are a lot of forms of stimming that I didn't realize. And yes having songs and sounds and such on repeat is a stim and is indeed not normal. I legit thought everyone did that-

Goals Progress:

None yet ish

[systemsteamjunk]

I used to have panic attacks when I was forced to wear socks because sensory yikes. I did some therapy shit and that solved my sock wearing problem except now I can't not wear socks if I'm walking on anything other than carpet because Textures, especially unexpected ones, feeling every tiny speck of whateverthefuckisonthisfloor; shoes that don't require socks are usually some form of sensory hell (either Bad Texture or Why The Fuck Am I Having Something Between My Toes); if I think about the fact that there are socks on my feet for too long, guess what, I still freak out. All of the sleeves to every shirt I own are cut off. The feeling of anything even near my armpits is hell. I used to only wear tshirts with sleeves cut off/tank tops and shorts because my knee pits, like my armpits, hate containment so I could Not wear pants (I've gotten a little better about this but they better be wide as hell). Every winter was a hell of friends offering me clothes I couldn't wear and strangers being like "aren't you cold?" and how do you explain yes bitch but at least I'm not in a type of excruciating pain that isn't necessarily pain in the sense that most people know it. I can manage very baggy hoodies now but only if the texture is Correct and only if I am standing or sitting so that all the fabric is hanging the correct way as to not be near my armpits. My anxiety skyrockets when I know I have to talk on the phone or in a public space because I can barely almost process what people are saying maybe. Also catch me refusing to go into any store with concrete or similar type floors (think Home Depot floors) even though boy howdy most of those are necessarily when I want plants but if I even vaguely hear a shoe scrape on those floors I Will Die. I have friends who have taken songs off of playlists they play around me because there is just one Noise in That Song that Hurts. Big relate to touch/hug from op, have lost friends and relationships because I'm not 'physically affectionate' enough. Not really a loss though because if they can't even attempt to understand, I don't need them around. Family gatherings are Hell, I have relatives that call my hugs "The Lewis Family Hug" (just one arm off to the side quick as possible because why the fuck is this socially mandatory please be over)--that saying was actually coined before I was born because of my grandfather who I suspect also deals with some sensory processing issues but none of the other people older than me in the family do nor do they attempt to understand neurodivergecy in that direction. I also relate to Food issues. I have been able to get marginally better but Mouth Textures of some things. Fucking terrible. It might smell and look like heaven but fuck it if the texture is wrong. Tired of being called a picky eater because it feels so condescending, sometimes even infantilizing but that's beside the point. Just. Randomly not being able to have my back against anything (which sucks because I also have chronic back pain and even sitting on a backless chair for too long means I'm out of commission for at least the rest of the day) because I Can Feel My Shoulder Blade What The Fuck Stop Touching Things I Don't Want To Be Aware Of You. Can't wear tight clothes either for the same reason. I mean I fucking hate shirts in general but apparently the top half of my body is fucking illegal for some reason so I Suffer

Edit: we can't believe we forgot to mention 2 things 1.) Being unable to regulate my body temperature/process temperature in general 2.) We literally had a 504 in high school to use our personal laptop for anything that wasn't a quiz/test (I think it's become more ubiquitous for people to be able to do this in general but it wasn't allowed at my school at the time) and being allowed to wear a glove for quizes/tests because we can't deal with the texture of paper. In my AP Psychology class I had some guy ask about it and when I explained, he was just like "oh if I say I don't like the feeling of paper, can I use my computer, too?" and the Overwhelming Rage I have for responses like that.

I don't think people really understand what sensory processing problems can feel like when they don't have them. Like... it seems to be understood as "senses are more/less intense and/or sensitive" i never see it talked about as to what that actually means.

for me, sensory processing issues look like:

having to wear ear defenders/noise cancelling headphones almost constantly. I'm wearing them right now, because the vent and my keyboard keys are too loud otherwise.

frequently being in pain because of noises--not even loud ones. It hurts to open my door without headphones on. other painful noises include people's voices, my cat's claws on the floor, and air vents. I wish i was kidding.

being unable to eat a lot of foods. like, i can't even force myself to eat yogurt, because lately it's really been bothering me. I just can't put it in my mouth.

developing a habit of looking at the ground because all the lights in my school hurt my eyes.

physically recoiling when people try to touch or hug me. (people say it looks like i expect to be hit. I don't, i just don't like it.)

poor balance & coordination (the vestibular sense involves balance, coordination & spatial orientation, and mine is Bad)

intense discomfort at small touches, like a feather or a touch skimming over my skin

being unable to stand tags in clothes (so. fucking. itchy)

feel free to add on if you also have sensory issues, and also i'm giving a note to writers that it is a-ok to save this as a writing resource

[chochmah-binah-daas]

The months since elul 5777 has been a hugely transitional time for me for so many reasons. I’ve been meaning to write about this since, well, late elul, early tishrei but I never had the energy to do so. I broke this up into chunks for easier reading but this is still quite an essay…

I know this is long but please like if you read even a part of this and if you have any insights or advice to offer me, my askbox is open and I’d love some support of any kind!!

Children

I always wrote off the idea of having children, even to the point of being one of those people who thought it was funny to be somewhat hostile towards kids. I did have some legitimate reasons for this, mostly sensory issues, being that I’m autistic and am sensitive to many sensory experiences; however, most of it was me just stubbornly holding onto a general distaste for children. Through the course of my retail job, I found myself more and more warming up to the kids who came into the store to the point where I would go out of my way to make faces and wave at babies at the expense of doing my actual job (not to worry, my job was literally completely ineffective). As I realized just after the High Holy Days began, I didn’t just not hate children anymore, I liked them. I actively like and desire to have children now.

If someone had asked me if I really thought I never wanted kids, I would pretty adamantly say I didn’t, though sometimes I’d admit that I could see myself maybe adopting one child in the future. Now it actively pains me that I don’t have children. Plural. Children. My only image of my future self is me, happily married and raising at least 3 or 4 good Jewish children.

I’m only 23 so I know that I’m not expected by secular society to have kids but seeing my more observant Jewish cousins around my age pursuing marriage really gets me down a lot of the time. I want nothing more right now than to marry a nice gay Jewish man and adopt a few kids. This leads me to my next sections…

Career goals

I never settled on one single thing I wanted to do with my life. I was one of those kids who, probably due to being autistic, was always getting deeply invested in something and then flitting off to another after a couple months. For the last year or two I did have a decent idea in my head that I wanted to get a Master’s of Library and Information Science degree and work in a library or archive. I’m good at that kind of work. It allows me to be quiet and a bit neurotic about my workstation because I’d largely be working alone, away from the general public and most of my coworkers.

After my graduation, my mom and grandma suggested that I consider going to law school. I agreed to at least take the LSAT, which I will be doing in February and oy am I nervous!! My mom, who went to law school, says that she thinks I’d be great at it, that my mind is so well-suited to that type of thinking. I don’t disagree with her but I also can’t imagine myself doing anything with a law degree.

In fact, I can’t imagine myself doing anything in the future. People think I’m joking, but I really do just want to marry someone with a steady, well-paying job and be a house-spouse. I have a deep passion for learning but I have no passion for an actual career that comes along with any path of study. In a perfect world where my mental illness didn’t destroy my ability to read, I would love to go get an MLIS and/or a law degree. I’d even consider going to a yeshiva and studying Torah, Talmud, contemporary Jewish issues, all that. But once I’m out of school, I have no clue what I’d do besides sit at home with all that knowledge swirling around in my head.

Education is never a waste in my opinion, but also formal education is expensive and I’d never be able to afford it without having a prospective career in my future to provide the income for paying off the student loans.

Gender

I never understood the concept of gender. All I know is what language I’m comfortable with, how I like dressing, and what I want my body to be. I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) and I medically transitioned through hormones, chest surgery, and a hysterectomy. My pronouns are they/them or he/him. I am now legally male with a traditionally male name. On most days, I enjoy wearing skirts though I do occasionally choose to wear pants. I could never be cis-passing unless I stuck with wearing pants all the time, which would make me very uncomfortable. If you asked me to get dressed without thinking about it at all, my first choice would be to throw on a skirt, t-shirt, and cardigan. It’s comfortable, psychologically and sensory.

None of this changed during elul 5777; what did change was how my gender and my Judaism were connected. Before, they weren’t. Now, I am working on becoming shomer tznius which involved a major overhaul of my wardrobe, particularly the skirts and dresses. I got rid of almost all of my short and revealing articles unless they could be easily layered and bought a lot of long skirts, three quarter sleeve shirts, cardigans, and other tznius layering essentials.

When it comes to my religious observance, I mix and match though I do mostly connect with the mitzvos for men. In shul and at home, I prefer not to light the shabbos candles if there is a woman who would be able to do it instead. I wear tallis and tefillin to daven and I leyn torah. But I also enjoy occasionally wearing a tichel and being the one who cooks for shabbos, plus the aforementioned movement towards being shomer tznius.

Religious observance

I currently attend, and work for, a Reform shul. I adore my community and the rabbi there. It’s such a loving and supportive community with a small but fantastic group of regulars at Torah study. I’m fortunate in that my community has no problem with the way I present myself. They accept me as a queer Jew who expresses their queerness and their Jewishness in a unique way. But I worry about how other Jewish communities might react towards me, especially since I can see myself being much more observant than I currently am.

Ideally, I would have a kosher kitchen and fully observe shabbos. I would live close enough to walk to shul and I would make sure to raise my children with a strong Jewish identity, and of course a Jewish education. I don’t know if I could have that kind of life while being involved in a Reform community, largely because they don’t tend to celebrate every holiday and also when they do, it can be too lax for my tastes. For example, even in the winter our shabbos services don’t start until 6 or 7 PM, a solid 2 or so hours after shabbos actually begins.

As a queer Jew, who is very obviously gender nonconforming, I don’t know how I would fit into a more traditional community that would probably be more regimented in its separation of genders into a binary. I wear tallis and tefillin when I daven but I would be seen as a woman by some men so I would be immediately singled out as an other. I do wear skirts but I also have a deep voice and facial hair (and my name is Zack) so I’m automatically too male for women-only spaces. Not that I feel entitled to men- or women-only spaces, but I do fear how I could become more observant, when doing so tends to mean an increase in that kind of separation.

Relationships

This is probably the trickiest and most personal portion of this whole shpiel. I’m currently… somewhat in a relationship, I guess? When I transferred to HSU, I thought I was aromantic-asexual and I have since realized that I am neither of those and now identify as someone generally attracted to men. But soon after starting at HSU, I met someone else who identifies as aro-ace and we became really close friends, hanging out all the time in one of our dorm rooms. They were in a non-romantic, queer-platonic relationship with two people and suddenly, they started including me in this relationship. I didn’t mind this so much at the beginning but the more I come to understand my identity and my vague goals and dreams for the future, the more I realize that I just can’t go where I want to go in life and be tied to this relationship.

I know that the longer this goes on, the worse it will be to break it off but I’m terrified to do so, for various reasons I don’t want to get into here. As I said earlier, I want to marry a Jewish guy and have Jewish kids and live a Jewish life. I obviously can’t do that in a household with two pagans and a Catholic, none of whom want kids at all. I know I’m probably becoming one of Those Converts who gets super zealous about Judaism and defensive of their Jewishness but over the last year or so, and especially since elul, I have had this image in my head that I just can’t shake. And that image doesn’t include the people I currently feel tied down to.