#he also only wears short sleeves because of sensory issues

[meroshrine]

and now Movie Cole <3

[ban-styles]

PLS PLS do you have any athf hcs?? would love to hear about those !!! ^^ (for the show itself or for your gijinkas' designs)

I HAVE SO MANY HCS RAAHAHHH THNAK YOU SO MUCH!!! I’ll try and order them for you

MASTER SHAKE

• i feel like he would realllllyyy enjoy mortal kombat

• shake likes to get a reaction because it entertains him, hence why he does what he do

• shake has a lot of scars like.. everywhere, and maybe other recent lacerations

• shake can interchange his straw colour

• i feel like if he was around at the time, he would enjoy dubstep

• he needs glasses but doesn’t wear them, frylock bothers him to wear them 24/7

• shake wears rubber gloves / likes to shave his hair short due to sensory issues

• is one of the metalheads that will insist you listen to this band and hate this other band

• goes over to Carl’s house often to listen to metal cds, really one of the only way they’d bond

MEATWAD

• loves collecting plushies, sometimes frylock will buy him one every once in a while as a treat

• meatwad likes to fall sleep to lullabies

• meatwad has auditory sensory issues/hyperfixations!!! i specifically noticed this because he seemed to fixate on the mc pee pants music, and i noticed in other episodes he covers his ears to loud noises

• meatwad is very co-dependant, and maybe even has abandonment issues

• meatwad likes to draw pictures for the other two, frylock will either put them on the fridge and 1/5 times shake will rip them up

• meatwad enjoys wearing baggier clothes, if not, he will resort to a tight fitting long sleeve shirt

• he begs frylock to print out colouring sheets 24/7

• meatwad will trust people very easily because he wants to make friends

• he also collects little trinkets he finds around the house or outside, like bottle caps or parts of toys or cars etc

• he likes to make daisy chains :] he will ask shake, frylock and sometimes even carl to help him make a super long one

• he’s afraid of dogs, this is more recent as he’s picked up on the fact that they literally like eating him

FRYLOCK

• frylock likes to dress formally in a very casual matter

• he likes to stay organised

• knows a thing or two about plumbing, will fix pipes around the house and also helps Carl with his pool issues

• he deeply cares for his two brothers and has put up with them because of his sense of trust

• he likes to ask meatwad for his opinions on his gadgets, simply because he know he’ll jsut go “this is super awesome frylock and you are amazing”

• he became religious to help with stress, and also to find a different pov when researching for his experiments

• additionally, he likes to wear cross necklaces

• carries meatwad around on his hip

• he’ll occasionally carry the other two to bed and tuck them in / lay a blanket on them if they’re already asleep and he’s still awake

• he lets meatwad paint his nails, so he’s kinda walking around with messily painted nails 24/7 lol

[sharpth1ng]

Scream Wardrobe HCs Pt 2- Billy Loomis

Billy wears a weird blend of prep and grunge in the movie, so I tried to work with that while also considering how his style would develop after high school, because I think going to college and having an ounce more self acceptance would lead to some new threads for him

Tommy Hilfiger & Calvin Klien

This one seems obvious, I didn't put any polos here because we all know he wears them

He's got a bunch of their pullovers and button downs, they're simultaneously a prep brand but with looser fits and styles so they slide into the grunge vibe a little

definitely has one of the oversized horizontal stripe sweaters (a la kurt cobain)

He definitely has a pair of the CK cords (bottom row on the right) they've got that good soft/ridged texture, good for covert stiming

Also CK was controversial for putting up these massive homoerotic billboards and he doesn't even know but those pictures of marky mark grabbing his dick did some subliminal messaging

2. Levis

Boy got the 501 jeans in a few colours (blue pictured here but I think he would have the black ones too)

obvious obligatory plaid shirts, mostly in blues and greys

DENIM JACKET. I refuse to believe this kid didn't do the incredibly 90s denim on denim look at some point. Its really, really gay and he has no idea

3. Denim cut offs

This is his only pair of shorts, he almost never wears them

Stu keeps pulling at the loose threads at the bottom so they're slowly getting shorter and shorter

4. The classic 90's white tank top

Starts wearing these as undershirts, slowly they turn into just shirts, he wears them under unbuttoned shirts and stuff

Makes Stu lose his mind a little (Sorry, the shirt is slightly see though, Stu needs help)

5. Big fleece lined hoodies

Boy likes a hood, sometimes you gotta not show your face

Has a habit of pulling the sleeves over his hands, which he isn't actually aware he's doing but Stu thinks its cute

in high school he probably has a plain one(on the left), later gets the sick Nine Inch Nails one and Stu likes to steal it (also Stu calls the band Nine Inch Males and it makes Billy want to strangle him)

Edit: also he’s transmasc, every single one of us has a Big Hoodie™️

6. Obligatory turtleneck

These were massively popular, Skeet Ulrich had one

I just think he's pretentious and he goes to film school, this bitch has a turtleneck idk what to tell you

7. Dr Martens

Boy almost never wears sneakers, he likes the thick soles and the shit-kicking vibes

He gets a pair of the brogues (on the far right) in college during his turtleneck phase but still wears the ankle-high ones lots

8. Obligatory 90's leather pants and jacket

He buys these in like 1998/99, its the gayest thing he's ever done and it's because Trent Reznor wears them

This is basically lingerie to Stu, he's a weak man

Bonus, cause I gave Stu underwear so Billy gets some too:

He wears the ck boxer briefs (almost exclusively, you got sensory issues? You dont fuck around with underwear)

I told you this ad campaign was gay

More:

Randy

Stu

Sidney

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

so this here is auggie: semi finalized!!! halliwell's... probably? not going to be his last name but i had no clue what surname to give him so its acting as a stand in aaa

so this is the blorbo. the new bsd oc i have been working on. from the fanfic i am Struggling with. same guy from the Art a while ago. august (i like the month okay) whatever last name i decide on at a later date.

notes!

his ability is called lucy locket! i actually came up with the ability's function first, and then i found that it fit pretty well. basically its a pocket dimension accessed via the users pockets. so far it has infinite storage, but whatever is added or removed at the present moment has to have been able to fit in the pocket originally. so you cant add/remove a large waterbottle from tiny jean pockets, for example. i like to think it only works when august himself pulls something out or puts something in. so. yknow. "not a penny was there in it, only ribbon round it". hehe

hes 25 because as much as a harp on bsd i also suck with ages so i rng-ed a number between 21 and 27 chcbdj

his birthday is june 21st! stole that from james orchard halliwell (see where that came from now) phillipps, bc he was the first to record the nursery rhyme. i also think him being born on the summer solstice in june but being named august is soo funny.

forgot to add it in correctly but his height is 5'8! that's about 173 cm? i think? i rounded it up technically its only like. 172.72?

168??? pounds??? which is apparently like 76kg? look i have no clue how weights work either i just took my own weight looked up the average for an adult and made something up. dont expect it to make sense.

bloodtype is a! i thought it was weird that the blood types were mentioned at all in the character bios but then i remembered the whole stereotype thing so i just picked whatever i thought fit.

he likes goldfish (hence the socks and earrings), rice (its rice), and hats (because they are so neat)! i was thinking about funny sock patterns and then i was looking at the wiki page for catherine maria fischer (the supposed kitty fisher in the nursery rhyme) and one of her paintings had a fishbowl in it. and then i thought about yoimiya because i had been drawing her before and. yknow. he definitely does has a small hat collection, but he'd rather them not be damaged at work. theyre saved for parties and formal gatherings!

dislikes are long explanations, pollen (allergy 😔), and unpleasant textures (like bedsheets that give you the Feeling when you scratch them). he likes it when people get to the point, and im projecting my own sensory issues onto him hxjsj

moving on we have design notes!

so here's our boy.

starting with the shirt, its actually based on one of the shirts i own. it's got the solid torso and the loose sheer sleeves, and i thought that was neat! though for him i think the sleeves would be a bit more opaque, and he's wearing a vest!

as for the tie you can see i noted that it's a bit of a cross between a criss cross tie and like... a sailor tie? i know it says bolo but thats because the word i was looking for was Tie Brooch for the pendant in the middle.

the cargo shorts!!! so obviously to best use his ability august needs something with rather large pockets, but i didn't know how to add those in. initially i wanted to go with some tights or normal slacks and have him wear a hoodie, but it was kind of... eh? so i tried cargo pants but those didn't work either. so then i tried on shorts and i Realized what needed to be done fhdjjws

knee high socks! i asked what how silly we should get with them and eni said knee highs and nobody said ankle with silly patterns so i combined the two! i think the combination is really funny.

the shoes! theyre just sneakers. comfy!

moving on

i dont actually like this doodle but we're gonna have to bear with it augu

the earrings! theyre little fishies! initially i had different earrings planned but i wanted the fish socks to match with something hdhdhdh

hair tie! august has got the rest of his hair tied up with a little bow. i think its cute bfbdbd

and so you can see what i meant, here's the page of concepts i did!

you can see the cargo pants, the hoodie, as well as the old earring design. i was playing around with the sleeves for a while xhdhhs

plus i got silly with one so maybe ill do smth with that at some point idk idk

[that-darn-clown]

so. had an interesting thought about tghh!Cassidy and his autism. and by "interesting," i mean fucking hilarious.

so like. some context:

as i've mentioned before, Cass is semiverbal. the way this ends up manifesting for him is...similar to selective mutism, but different enough that it's clearly Not That. like, at his best, he's able to talk using short sentences and phrases without too much difficulty, but still stays pretty quiet most of the time. the different tiers of this are:

Most Comfortable (at home with family, or with the Emily's): see above. this is where you'd probably hear him talk the most, and with the least difficulty.

Out In Public/Surrounded By People (ex. Daycare, Pre-K, Freddy's, Fredbear's, school if he'd managed to live to that point): can still talk, but heavily prefers not to. responds with single word answers or short phrases, but speech sounds more forced or "odd." again, had he lived, he probably would've learned sign language and used it to communicate where possible.

Straight Up In Distress/Having A Meltdown (see Fnaf 4 minigames, or most of the time during the period between Andrew's Death and The Bite of '83): can hardly speak, but can make sounds. any speech he does make is usually extremely forced, and it sounds like he's effectively choking the words out. mostly communicates in one word answers/short phrases relating to whatever he's in distress over, or about getting it to stop (i'd say to see the only actual dialogue we get from him during Fnaf 4, where he's begging Mike to let him out of the Back Room in Fredbear's, and where he's begging Mike and his friends to not put him in Fredbear's mouth. that sort of thing)

he stims in a lot of ways! flapping his hands (especially with long sleeves...totally not projecting, not at all), rocking a bit while sitting down, bopping his head to music, chewing his thumb or sleeves (depending on if he's around family or loved ones who won't judge him, or if he's in public), doing the Pop Cat Thing (i do this myself. you probably know what i'm talking about), humming various lil tunes to himself, and i think he'd have a vocal stim of just saying things like "boop" to himself. or while booping the noses on his plushies. that kind of stuff.

horrific! sensory! issues!! doesn't like bright lights and loud sounds. there's several foods he doesn't like because the Texture Fucking Sucks. if his clothes aren't soft/they feel like sandpaper? won't wear them. he doesn't like the feeling of chalk on his fingers but still plays with it anyway because he finds it fun. it's a similar situation with dirt (basically he doesn't like the feeling of dry stuff sticking to his fingers...but he's got no problem with wet or even slimy stuff-)

special interests! plushies, sewing, stuff along those lines. also would've gotten into baking when he got older and i take no criticism on that. also would've gotten into a lot of morbid shit too had he lived. just reads these old mystery novels, short stories that are. really interesting for an Elementary School Student to be reading (think stuff like The Most Dangerous Game by Richard Connell and The Landlady by Roald Dahl), and is just very fascinated with how stuff like anatomy works. the kid also likes horror movies. so just let that all sink in.

carries around his plushies (or A plushie) as comfort items. if he went to school, i can see the teachers just letting him keep them with him because They Aren't Dealing With His Dad. Fuck No. (even in a timeline where no murders happen, William probably still scares people. he's not only Really protective over his kids and takes their side in almost everything, but he's also a REALLY tall guy. he also just has the constant wide-eyed, unhinged hare-esque look. it definitely doesn't help).

so, with all that out of the way. here's the funny thing i thought of:

in the good timeline, where everyone lived and Cassidy got to go to school, i like to think that eventually his teacher (and just. most of the staff, let's be real) started to suspect this kid had something up with him (specifically autism) and decided to have "That Discussion That Teachers Apparently Have With Parents When They Strongly Suspect Your Kid's Neurodivergent" with William.

so they pull Cassidy into the principal's office to have a meeting with him, William, and the teacher. they basically tell William "hey, we think your son's autistic. maybe get that checked out? either way, we're willing to help how we can." they then have to tell him "no, this isn't a bad thing and we aren't insulting your child. please sir calm down" because he thinks them calling Cassidy autistic was like. saying it was a Bad Thing (remember, this is. the 80s, unfortunately. so you can see why he'd be worried).

Cassidy, during all of this, is sitting there and doing his Pop Cat stim while he (impatiently) waits for this meeting to be over. the kid just wants to go back to lunch and eat his turkey and cheese sandwich in peace >:/ (< also has issues with his routines being interrupted. this kid hates Fire Drills for multiple obvious reasons)

then, in the middle of all of this, William drops a bombshell of:

"Well, why would his behavior be odd to me? I used to be like that when I was his age. I'm even still like that now, for God's sake."

so now Cassidy's 4th grade teacher and the principal have to deal with the "should we tell him/who's gonna tell him" moment of "Oh Dear Fuck, There's A Possibility That Mr. Afton, THE Mr. Afton, Is Autistic."

and then that unravels into the realizations of, in this order:

Oh Fuck, Michael And Elizabeth Are Probably ALSO Autistic. Which Explains A Lot

Wait...Michael And The Emily Twins Seemed To Act Kind Of Similar. Like, They Got Each Other In A Lot Of Ways That No One Else Seemed To. Oh Jesus-

Wait. (Remembers What Henry Himself Was Like During Parent-Teacher Conferences...And Meetings In General) OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE-

and that's how Cass's 4th grade teacher and the Elementary School Principal discovered that the entire Afton and Emily Families were autistic. This Explains A Lot. Including Freddy's And Fredbear's.

This means so much to me you have no idea

[write-o-rama]

captain headcannons :3 ;

1 ) he has SUPER bad sensory issues , thats why he hates wearing clothes . though , hes found he likes cottony or soft things if he has to wear them . he especially hates long sleeves or pants . they rub against his arms and legs wrong when hes trying to get bad guys . DUHHH ! also , when he cannot wear his cape and he ' s supposed to be masking ( and does it horribly ) , he wears this one large red t - shirt . its soft , almost velvety . his ultra favorite . good texture ^_^

2 ) he has bandaids EVVERYYWHERE . hes super duper clumbsy and doesnt pay attention to his body much !! gets booboos easy :( poor goober !

3 ) back when krupp originally became captain & they began sharing a body , captain got upset with the mullet . the moment krupps partner edith passed , captain cut it all short and does it every time it gets too long for his liking . he threatens to cut it all off if krupp doesnt go to the barber and get it short again . if it werent for him , krupps hair would have been DRAGGING on the GROUND . rapunzel era !

4 ) krupp has always had extra canines that poke out when he smiles , which is why theyre never seen as much . captain is a smiley little goob so theyre almost always showing . why bro so :3

5 ) he LOVES the pool . hes not allowed in the water for obvious reasons but he loves sitting in his floaty with a reason to be in only underwear . krupp does not appreciate this . he almost always gets soaked because captain forgets and tries to jump in the water . poor critter , he just try have fun :[

ok ummm you can request any if youd like :3 im just spitballing GAHH i love you caprain underpant3s . .

[steakout-05]

my new and improved Barry Steakfries autism headcanons :D

Barry is the type of autistic who actively seeks out sensory input and loves to talk to people! he does this by blasting rock music through his whole house, flying really high in the sky on his jetpack and feeling the wind on his face, causing loud and destructive explosions, listening to the whirring of his MGJP, going out for drinks with a lot of friends including Craig and watching action movies with a lot of carnage. most of these get him in serious trouble with the law, but they can't catch him because he has a jetpack and they don't >:)

he's the type of guy to listen to death metal screaming to feel Delightfully Whelmed and sit there calmly on the floor like it's nothing

Barry's main stim is ripping his shirt sleeves, usually as an expression of super strong emotions (excitement, rage, fear. etc) or to combat his tactile sensory issues. he also bounces his knee and clenches his fists when he's bored or nervous.

most of Barry's sensory issues are tactile, like the way certain (and by certain i mean most) types of sleeves feel on his arms. they can make his arms feel scratchy and tight, which can get worse if they're wet and just hang onto his skin. he's a lot more comfortable wearing loose soft sleeves or wearing them when it's cold. a lot of people have asked Barry why he doesn't just wear tank tops if he hates the feeling of sleeves, to which he says that ripping them off is way more satisfying and fun, like he's killing the bad sensory feeling itself by tearing it off him.

Barry mentions in one of the episodes of his vlog that his shirt ripping stim was passed down through generation to generation and that his dad rips his sleeves as well. my headcanon is that this is generational autism and their children learning their parents' stims! (Barry also mentions that the only generation that didn't rip their sleeves was in the medieval generation when they wore chainmail which i think in this context is really interesting!)

Barry isn't very good with emotional regulation. he can get frustrated, impatient and angry really quickly, which we see a lot of in the 'Rainbow Barry' short. he also struggles with executive functioning and frequently forgets or struggles to do tasks he finds boring, misplaces things, procrastinates a lot, struggles with impulsiveness and planning.

Barry also has inattentive type ADHD (otherwise known as ADD) which he shows traits of in the 'Rainbow Barry' short as well.

he picks up a lot of catchphrases and personality traits from his favourite action movies!

i mentioned before that Barry loves to talk to people, but he struggles with quite a few social skills. he forgets people's boundaries, has trouble controlling his volume, accidentally interrupts people, can come off as scary sometimes and forgets what the conversation was about. a lot of other people don't really like him because they think he's just being rude and self-centred and he's never really understood why. Craig understand though, and that's why they love each other :)

his special interests are jetpacks, action movies, his dad's record collection and dogs! he may not be an expert but he loves them :)

Barry has no idea he's autistic and thinks he instead has a disease that makes him rip his sleeves because no one's ever told him and he doesn't remember getting diagnosed.

[neopuppy]

Dive Into You: Part 2. (M)

Preview: “You’re not seriously just fucking with her to get back at me are you? It’s not like everyones talking about you being dads problem child here.” Jeno’s arms fold over his chest. Bicep muscles straining under tight sleeves.

“Shouldn’t you be happy? I’m allowing you to spend alone time with your church girl. You should be thanking me nono.”

Pairing: brothers Jeno/Haechan x female reader

Word Count: 3.8k

Genre: pwp, church boys AU, smut, love triangle, brothers nohyuck

Warning: daddy issues, sacrilegious themes, explicit language, master manipulator Haechan, innocent Jeno, virgin reader, corruption, bible quotes

Smut Warning: oral(F receiving), slight sensory deprivation, fingering, all in church.

Intro—>

Part 1–>

“I told the new family in town that you’d be showing their daughter around boys. I expect you to be on your best behavior.” Pastor Lee slaps a hand over Jeno’s shoulder with a firm grip. “No funny business.”

“You got it, father. You know, like because you’re a pastor.” Haechan snorts, pouring hot steaming coffee into a ceramic mug.

“Ha ha ha, you’re hilarious. Make sure your brother acts right. People around town are already talking enough about my atrocious parenting skills. Word travels fast in these small towns you know.” Pastor Lee adjusts his tie in the mirror. Stepping out of the front door with not even a wave goodbye. Jeno left rubbing at his shoulder with irritation.

“What time do you want to head out?” He questions, eyes burning into Haechans back.

“Oh, I can’t do that ‘show the new townies’ around thing today. Got a brunch date in the next town over with someones mom.” Haechan turns, leaned back along the kitchen counter blowing steam from his coffee.

“What?? She’s your girlfriend now. Aren’t you supposed to hang out with her tonight?” Jeno’s eyes widen befuddled. More in disbelief his brother would be two timing you, familiar with his antics.

“Your point?” Haechan scoffs, checking messages through his phone. Petty smirk on his lips sending you a ‘miss you’ text.

“You’re a dog. You’re not seriously just fucking with her to get back at me are you? It’s not like everyones talking about you being dads problem child here.” Jeno’s arms fold over his chest. Bicep muscles straining under tight sleeves.

“Shouldn’t you be happy? I’m allowing you to spend alone time with your church girl. Should be thanking me nono.”

“Dick..” Jeno mutters, grabbing his bag to head out. Not wanting to spend another minute around his brother.

“Wait a minute..” Haechan grabs a hold on Jeno’s arm, pulling him back into the kitchen. “Take good care of my girl today yea?” Jeno’s eyes squint as his brother sneaks a $20 bill into his side jacket pocket.

“Maybe get her a milk shake or something. Whatever it is you kids drink. We’re not really going on a date tonight if you know what I mean.” Haechans eyes shift around mischievously. Knowing damn well Jeno knows. Knowing exactly what to say to get under his skin.

Jeno grips at Haechans collar, huffing against his face. Anger seething through fingertips aching to bring his brother physical pain. Jaw tightening, resisting the deep urge inside building for years everyday.

“Gonna give me a black eye nono? What will father think when he finds out his bad seed is also abusive?” Lips curling with a slick grin. Haechan the expert on how to push Jeno’s buttons. Worked on himself well to get exactly what he wants.

“That’s what you want isn’t it?” Jeno clenches the fabric between his fist, arms shaking with rage. “You’re the perfect one, I’m the fuck up. You’re the one dad brags about, I’m the one he pretends doesn’t exist.”

“You think your daddy issues would get your little church girl turned on? Should I tell her how you cry yourself to sleep wishing you were me?” Haechan snorts, loosening from of Jeno’s grip. Hands smoothing out his freshly ironed shirt.

“I’ve never wanted to be anything like you. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

“That’s not true nono..” Haechan pulls on a jacket. Fingers twirling around keys. “You know how much I love my car” with a cocky wink matching a shit eating grin Haechan heads out. Leaving Jeno festering in his anger. Fists slamming against the counter. Back tense with underlying hatred, hatred for himself. Tired of how easily Haechan manages to provoke him.

——————————————————————————

Jeno’s nervous, pissed off, feeling anxious. Pacing back and forth in front of your house. He didn’t have much of a choice with the looming threat of getting shipped back off to Jesus camp hovering his mind. The idea to ditch this whole ordeal passing his thoughts more than once. It’s not that he liked you, but it’s also not necessarily that he didn’t like you. Convincing himself he just hasn’t gotten any for too long now. Dick probably desperate for anything at this point. Nothing related to how cute you looked with your lips all swollen after kissing him. Jacking off at home that night reliving the events long forgotten.

Forget about stroking himself off in the shower the next morning again. Or the other five more times since. No he didn’t like you, not really..

“Aren’t you one of Pastor Lee’s sons??” And older woman carrying bags of groceries approaches. Lipstick covering her two front teeth, over sized dress hanging from her body.

“Oh uh.. yes I am. I’m supposed to.. show your.. daughter? Around today..” Jeno stutters out, mentally slapping himself.

“Oh..” the woman adjusts a bag in her hold, throat clearing. “What about that lovely brother of yours? What’s his name again?”

“Haechan..” Jeno’s eyes shift, looking away. How did his brother manage to convince everyone he was such an angel. A modern day fallen angel, roaming earth in disguise.

“Ah that’s it..” she makes a sound of disapproval, bag dropping on the porch. “A polite young boy would have offered assistance.” Voice lowly whispering as she unlocks the front door. Jeno’s eyes darting between the groceries and woman, cursing himself yet again for coming off exactly how everyone says.

“I’ll call her down.” She steps inside. Loud shouting vocals calling out your name. The sound of foot steps against stairs following. Your figure appearing, dressed up to impress. Jeno’s throat itching, swallowing, adjusting his collar.

“That’s not your bike- is it?!” Your mothers shrieking voice questions. Eyes bulging out, taking in the sleek black motorcycle off the sidewalk.

“I’m here!” Your smile falls, only spotting one brother waiting for you outside. Not the one you’d expect even. You subtly give a look around, searching for someone else maybe hiding in surprise. Jeno unfortunately does not fail to notice.

“That is my bike Ma’m.. it’s safe. I promise.” He holds up two helmets. Craving to crawl into a hole under your moms scrutinizing gaze.

“I’m not so sure about this..” she mumbles. Eyes glaring into Jeno, trying to put the fear of God...fear of a strict crazy mother, in him.

“It’ll be fine mom! He has a helmet! I’ve been on a motorcycle with dad before!” You lean up, pecking your mothers cheek. Summer dress twirling up with air as you run forward. Jeno catching a glimpse of your underwear. Shifting a helmet over his groin momentarily.

“I thought Haechan was coming too?” You asks, taking the helmet held out for you. Typically being his brothers helmet, little did you know.

“He’s busy.. errands out of town or something.” Jeno mumbles, avoiding your eyes. He’s being weird, but then again you didn’t know him well enough to confirm he wasn’t always this way.

“Oh.. well I guess I’ll see him later anyway.” You frown, tugging at the light fabric of your dress. What a waste. “You ride a motorcycle?”

“Yea.. I don’t have a car so.. you’ve been on one before you said?” Jeno’s brows furrow. Eyes trained on your feet, teeth digging into his lower lip. You had to wear cute strappy sandals with a summer dress. That just made sense, to show off your cute freshly painted toes..Jeno’s brain feels like its turning in his skull. Lips begging for mercy to let out a scream.

“I actually haven’t. Just said that to make my mom shut up.” You lean in close. Lips grazing his earlobe as you whisper. Words muffled, Jeno blinking slowly. Perfume wafting around his head, as if this could get any worse.

“Uh..” Jeno steps away abruptly. “Put that on!” His voice awkwardly shouts to you, chin jerking toward the helmet in your hands. Head shaking, pulling on his own. Straddling around the bike seat, engine coming to life.

“Am I supposed to hold on to you?” You stand to Jeno’s side. Admiring the shining black bike, fitting for his character. At least physically.

“I..” Jeno’s breath catches under his helmet shield. Only now realizing you’ll be riding with him around today. Legs parted on him.. arms squeezing his abdomen.

“Jeno??..” you pull on your helmet with confusion. He wasn’t much for words it seemed. So opposite of his brother.

“Uh.. yea.. just hold on to me..” he sighs to himself. Sounding more displeased than intended. Uncomfortable awkwardness travels through you watching his shoulders slump. With reluctance, you lift your leg. Straddling Jeno’s back, bad day to wear a short dress..

“This is kind of..” your lips purse together, center a little too close to Jeno’s body. More than close, right on him. Cotton airy smell coming off his black jean jacket. Scent fresh and clean, hair lingering of lightly scented shampoo. His broad shoulders covering majority of your view.

“You should.. hold on tight.” Jeno licks his cracking lips. Foot kicking up the bikes lock. With another look toward your mom motioning the sign of the cross. You lean your body forward, chest pressed up on Jeno’s wide back. Arms circling around his small waist.

Jeno’s own thoughts rolling in like rapid fire. Throat squeezing in, heat between your bodies pressed together moving between his legs. Trying to focus on anything, anything but your breasts pressing into him. Anything besides your smooth thighs around him. The memory of kissing you too vividly choosing to repeat itself.

“God be with you!” Your mothers voice screams out. Bike engine too loud as Jeno rides off. Your dress blowing behind you, smile covering your face. Chin on his shoulder, admiring the view of your new home.

Could only be an even more perfect moment if it was Haechan you were wrapped around..

——————————————————————————

“That’s it? A diner? That’s the tour of the town?” You twirl around the cherry sat atop melting whipped cream. Chocolate shake looking unblended and less than appetizing.

“There really isn’t much to do here..” Jeno mumbles, chin tucked into his chest. Basket of half eaten fries more interesting than you apparently.

“I could have told you that..” you murmur in response. Sitting back in the booth with boredom. Jeno does the same, brows furrowing in thought. A minute or five of silence passing. He grunts lowly, pulling his phone out.

“Look at you two!” Mark jogs over sporting a huge smile stretched across his cheeks. Red and white striped apron covering what looks like an all white uniform.

“You work here?!” You sit up, eyeing the uniform. Almost too fitting, a too old altar boy working part time at a cheap fifties diner.

“Well of course, phone bills don’t pay themselves! Timothy 6:10 For the love of money, is the root of all kinds of evil!” Mark proclaims, finger waggling about like a mad man. Your lips pulling back over your teeth in...displeasure.

“Right..”

“Fucking shit” Jeno groans, kicking at a foot under the table. Tsking as thumbs slam down at his phone screen.

“Ah Jeno! Proverbs 21:23! Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble!” Mark places hands on his hips. Lips pursed together with disappointment.

“Yea..sorry Jesus. Whatever.” Jeno mumbles again, eyes not moving from his phone.

“Gamers right” Mark shakes his head your way. Eyes lighting up, taking your own phone out.

“What do you play??” you scoot in closer to Jeno. Closing the space between the two of you in the booth. His shoulders stiffen, curling in hunched over the table.

“Kartrider..” Jeno barely whispers. Catching enough of it, familiar with the game.

“I play too! Oh! I bet I have a better rank than you!” Laughing unlocking your phone, swiping the game open. “Look at my character, she’s so cute!”

“There’s no way you’re better than me....I’m always top ranking in this county..” Jeno’s eyes widen. Forgetting about his current race, watching you hold up your phone with laughter.

“Come on, let’s race. I’m gonna kick your ass!” You lean in closer, reading out Jeno’s ID as you enter it in. “Add me!”

“Language!” Mark sighs, head shaking with both of you. “God’s children have truly fallen. After everything the lord has done for us.”

“Come on Jeno! Play me! I’ll go easy on you” nudging at his side with a wink. Your smile grows, finally something you can do together. Jeno dragging you around downtown past rusty antique shops. The only thing that caught your interest a quant little family owned bookstore. Learning fast he wasn’t much for conversation. Face appearing pained and uninterested with every word from you.

“Don’t feel like playing anymore..” Jeno shuts his phone, screen turning black.

“What?! Aw come on. Can’t stand the thought of a girl beating you?” Jeno leans back, eyes taking in your face slowly. All he cared about was winning, competing in stupid games just to achieve a high ranking. You’d win of course, he’d never let you lose.

“Just don’t feel like playing anymore.”

——————————————————————————-

“Thanks for showing me around, the one street you took me to.” Your voice drips with sarcasm. Hopping off the back of Jeno’s bike. He removes his own helmet, hair flopping around messily. “Was fun I guess.”

“Yea well” Jeno holds out his hand for the helmet you borrowed. You hold it under your arm, brow quirking in confusion. Your hand slowly lifting, placing in his. Jeno’s eyes widen, staring at your hands held together. Too many feelings rushing at him all at once.

“Helmet!” Jeno shouts abruptly, hand flying away from yours like you’re too disgusting to touch.

“Geeze, fine. Sorry...” you place the helmet on the back end of Jeno’s bike. Turning away, without even a goodbye. He grabs your elbow, your foot stopping mid-air.

“You..” head turning, staring down where he holds you.

“Yes?” You implore him to continue. Jeno’s hand dropping from you when you fully turn to face him again.

“You.. you really like my brother..?” Jeno’s eyes fall to the ground. Thick dark eyelashes shadowing across his cheeks.

“Yea of course. Is that what this is about Jeno? I really do like him, I would never use someone.” You smile, bouncing back on your heels. Jeno’s lips suck in with frustration.

“Wish I could say the same about him.” Jeno mumbles, turning his engine back on.

“What was that?” Voice raising, trying to speak above the loud roar from the motorcycle. Jeno flicks down his helmet shield, speeding off. Cloud of dust surrounding you. Smacking at the air coughing out, bike disappearing behind dusts.

“Fucking jerk.”

—————————————————————————-

“Haechan! Where are we going? The church?!” Your shoes lift up dust. Arm in his hold pulling you toward the small old building.

“Where else would we go baby? Can’t go to my place, the holy spirit’s home.” Haechan laughs, pulling a lanyard from his back pocket. “Besides, this is my dads church you know right? It’s like my property too, we’re safe here under God’s watchful eye.”

“Isn’t this.. I don’t know. Sacrilegious?!” You anxiously follow him inside. Haechans easy smile comforting you, arms wrapping around your waist. He steps back down the center aisle. Pews displayed at your sides, Haechan leading you one in front. He pulls you to the center of the pew, sitting with hands on your hips.

“This feels..” you start, chest rising and falling faster as guilt passes through you.

“Wrong? God didn’t make us this way..” his hand smooths down your bare thigh. Passing the fresh new dress just for your date tonight. Fingers skirting between your thighs, one playing at a side covering your mound. “..for us to not touch and explore..”

“It’s just..” your hands grip at the front of the pew behind you. Where you’d normally kneel to pray..

“Just?..” Haechans eyes gaze up at you. Pure sin and danger hidden in the face of an angel. Tongue sliding up your other thigh. “You’re so sweet.”

You sigh in defeat, legs quivering, upper body doing the work to hold you up. His head dipping under your dress, nose pressing into your slit. Cotton from your panties shoving between you. Soft moans sounding from underneath, Haechans tongue licking at your underwear. Enough to properly soak them up, allowing drool to freely fall from his mouth. You gnaw at your lip, gathering up your dress fabric in one hand. Admiring the way the beautiful boy between your legs eats you up.

Haechan lets out a dreamy sigh. Long fingers stroking up and down your thighs. Teeth biting your at core with cloth between. Your stomach folds in, curling closer to where he sits below you. Fingers wrapping around the sides of your panties, tongue lapping at your inner thighs.

“Body of a virgin can heal more sins than body of christ you know..” underwear at your knees. Haechan leans back in, lips wrapping around your clit. Tongue swirling around, suctioning between. Your other hand lifting to your mouth, biting down on your thumb. Muffled moans and whines echoing around the church walls.

Haechans eyes stay on your face, tongue rolling your clit around. Hands squeezing your inner thighs, pulling back, clapping down slaps. Your hips jolting forward with suppressed cries. Everything about him was absolutely depraved. Looks deceiving from the boy your mother had always warned you about.

“Don’t hide your pretty sounds baby.” Haechan pulls away. Lips shining, coated in your wetness. Glares from the colored glass reflecting off his skin. Red tinted eyes sparkling up at you. Haechan reaches for your wrist, yanking your hand out from your mouth. His lips part open, tongue swirling around your entrance. Sucking up the wetness gathering around.

“Oh God!” You shout out, neck loosely dropping back. Tears on the brink of escaping the corners of your eyes.

“That’s it baby. You pray to me now.” Haechan groans, mouth closing over your entire mound. Eyes rolling back into his head, swiping up and down your core. Hands finding his hair, fingers digging into his scalp. Haechans tongue thrusts into your tight entrance, muscle working extra hard to enter.

“Oh my God!” Body shaking, ass digging into the pew. Hips twitching forward, grinding against Haechans face. Chin covered in your wetness, tongue wiggling inside you. Fingers finding way to your clit, pinching and rolling the bud. “Oh my God!!”

Haechan groans inside you, scalp in pain from your pulling. Cock hardening in his jeans, taste of innocence in his mouth nearly orgasmic. You taste too fucking good, nothing like that used up whore from earlier..

“I-I c-can’t!” Haechans fingers work at your clit. Rapidly sweeping back and forth. Tongue sliding out, jaw hung open. Eyes return to your face, smile breaking out over his cheeks.

“You can.” He pants, tongue hung out lazily lapping at your hole. Clit pinched between two fingers, massaging every little nerve. “Cum on my tongue.”

Your head drops forward, tear slipping free. Haechans raspy tone saying those words driving you past your limit. Ass lifted off the pew, core convulsing. Haechans tongue placed against your fluttering entrance. Catching all of your release. You weakly fall forward again, forehead resting on top of his messed up hair.

“So good.” Haechan moans words out, licking clean the wetness seeping from you. Neck lifting, hands cupping your cheeks. “Taste.”

Tongue pushing between your parted lips, trying to catch your breath. Haechan laps at your tongue, realization hitting you in seconds what he’s making you do. Tasting yourself between your lips. His tongue covering every corner inside your mouth. Haechans hands return to your hips, pulling you off the front of the pew to straddle his lap.

“You want it?” His hand digs into the back of your hair. Jean clad dick shoving between your thighs at your heated core. Weakly nodding, eyes half open lazily pecking pouty lips. Haechan lays back down flat across the pew. Warm hands rubbing up and down your back soothingly. “Come here.”

Your head nods, under his command. Mind controlled by whatever he’s saying, telling you ‘I want it- no matter what it is.’ If it’s from Haechan- give it to me, now. You lay down on his chest, kisses continuing. Hands squeezing around your ass, pulling up your dress. Hands flying down hard with mean slaps. Fingers gliding down finding way between your legs again. Skimming up and down your slit from the back. Soft moans passing between your swollen lips.

Body tensing, sounds of the large entrance doors opening up with a slam. Haechans eyes open up staring into yours, brows lifted. His lips purse out with a silent ‘shhh’, earning a rapid head shake from you. Familiar smirk pulling at his lips, free hand clamping over your mouth. Your eyes widen, lips pressing into the palm of Haechans hand. Fingertips circling around your needy entrance. Panic rushing through you as loud foot steps approach closer and closer.

Your forehead shoved up against Haechans. Mouth closed off, silent whimpers falling out behind his hand. Finger sliding inside you, his lit up eyes watching your expressive eyes react. The fear and curiosity alone could make him cum.

“Are you kidding me!” A flash light shines over your faces. Mark standing at the end of the pew in disgust. Your head lifts quickly, ripping Haechans hand off your mouth. Cheeks heating up absolutely mortified. Moving fast, adjusting your dress to cover up. Haechan stays laid down, eyes fluttering shut with irritation.

“Fucking cock block.” He whispers to himself, sitting up. Tent in his jeans extremely evident.

“I knew you stole my keys again Haechan!” Mark clicks the flash light on and off angrily. Both of you covering your eyes. “and you! Mary of Magdala! You should be ashamed! Think of your mother!”

“Dude, chill.” Haechan stands, hands held up trying to block the bright light from his eyes. “We weren’t doing anything.”

“Weren’t doing anything?!? If people found out what you were doing, this one would be getting pelted with stones!” Mark passes the light over your face. You cringe, hands coming up to hide yourself.

“Mark, quick, what’s the verse about fucking that really cute voice of an angel choir boy?” Haechan throws him a knowing look, pulling a lanyard from his pocket. Marks eyes widen, snatching his keys away.

“Don’t steal my keys again! Next time I will be telling your father!” Mark scurries away, door slamming behind him.

“Oh my God he’s gonna tell your dad!” You panic, pulling your dress down. Attempting to wipe away any mascara that could be on your cheeks.

“Nah he’d never, can’t risk everyone finding out about Renjun. Don’t worry baby, I got something on everyone.” Haechan pulls you in, gently pecking your lips. Your senses relax, mind torn with stress still. Who the fuck were you right now..

“You know..” Haechan turns you around, hand scooping your chin. “I’m gonna fuck you. Right there.” He holds your jaw up. Eyes on landing on the altar.

“Jesus will know all your sins after I’m done with you.”

Part 3–>

Taglist:

@seuomo @unknown5tar @sunoosi @safariria @nctlover94 @underjeno @nanascupid @jenorenle @scruffiejelly @mel-yjh @count-your-shadows @sunflowerhae @johnjaespeach @nctflix @notsooperfect​ @skrtbeepbeep​  @lanadreamie​ @nctstrawberrycow​  @meonlightuniverxse​ @sunshinedhyuck​ @haechanswhore​ @brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr​ @kpopmultiifandomm​ @d1nne​ @neobanguniverse​ @pewpewpwe00​ @abitofafan​ @haechansworld​ @born5sos​ @bockhyun​ @prettychannie​ @xuyiyangstan​@alexameliamg​ @ahsshilee​ @jeon-jungkook-is-actually-god @xwanna127x @heyitsbreeeeee @tarolovebot @loveyukhei @eleanorfreakingchan @classic-antifood @winwiniee @sheytanni @player23 @wavetease @nahyuckk @n0hyuck @doyoungssouthernbabygirl

[yourturntositcom]

Admin Shin giving physical appearance descriptions here +a few other things because he is tired and he didn't do the drawings cause he used his art sauce for redrawing cgs- tw for: mentions of past abuse, scars, self harm(past and present) and other things that intale with descriptions. Plus a bit of me projecting some of my physical insecuritues cause my au my bullshit- this will be the first of a few posts cause I know shit ain't easy with long shit. 1/? Greenblings + Yabusames

Shin: pale to the point you can say he glows, a half sleeve of tattoos one of the plant Kanna, another that's a chemistry joke, and this symbol ; mostly on his forearm. Cyan hair cut very choppy with some shaved of in the back, Grey blue/green eyes. Various scars on his body that he covers with clothing(self inflicted and those inflicted by others), is around 160cm tall. Twig™ like he a stick and barely weights anything. Burns really easily and bruises easily, most of his scars are on his thighs because of this. Is cis and purely gay, He/him pronouns but doesn't really care. Trust issues and depression from little baby years when he was in the foster care system, was adopted when he was 6 but has a lot of his memories locked behind disotiative amnesia(it doesn't affect his current life thus he ignores it). Only 2 people aside from himself that knows of his habits of self harm, he started a little before his first time meeting Kanna.

Kanna: braids her hair it is a sea glass green, a light tan from existing in daylight, has stretch marks on her chest and thighs, chubby baby thighs, at a healthy weight in comparison to Shin, is 165 centimeters tall and not done growing, has a few scars from past foster homes like Shin but they are much more faded. Eyes a pale green/blue color and freckles speckled on her face. Has body hair that she chooses not to shave/wax off cause she doesn't mind it unlike Kugie or Shin. Cis girl and bi uses She/her pronouns but doesn't mind other pronouns being used for her. Was adopted at age 4 and didn't have many foster homes before getting adopted and doesn't have any memories from that time due to aging.

Kugie: short brown bob with poorly dyed edges, tanned skin with light tan lines, has slight scarring on her knees from many times of busting it up. Healthy weight and 170cm tall(yes she rubs it into Shin's face all the time-), has some muscle and can lift bro. Dark brown eyes nearly black. Hates having body hair and waxes it when it appears again, mostly cause she feels gross with having it on herself for sensory reasons. Is a trans girl she/her/they/them pronouns very uncomfortable with any other pronouns. Met Shin at age 12 and didn't like him at first, by coincidence ended up going to the same high school as him a few years later. Takes puberty blockers for the current time being. Is 16.

Midori: homeless as shit, doesn't look homeless though, same hair color as Kanna and same eyes as Shin. Doesn't have any physical scars(shocking I know-), wears only a prison uniform really. Can't talk to Kanna or Kugie due to a restraining order, Shin ordered it for them but not himself when he was 18. Pale in a normal way, has a weird birthmark on his stomach which matches with Shin. Is around 176cm tall. Somehow not malnourished despite his usual shit. Is 25, 3 years older than Shin and 11 years older than Kanna. A cishet man that uses he/him pronouns.

Reko: has dyed her hair bright blue with a bit of pink after Alice did in their teens, has kept it that way for years just cause she likes it. Has ear piercings and a tattoo it's a simple flower that Nao designed. Is 168cm tall and has a generally muscular person. Cis lesbian uses she/her pronouns but doesn't really care. A music major in college, 23 years old. Is a punk rock chic when out and about but steals Nao's clothes while in the apartment, is also dating Nao.

Alice: is tall aka 180cm tall, really muscular and works out with Reko for fun. Got a music degree a few years back but didn't get any job in the field yet, was in a band with Reko but had left it a little later due to creative differences. Bongos. Is a trans queer man, he/him pronouns doesn't care if you respect his pronouns or not but will beat your ass if you don't respect others. Has a tattoo of Reko's birthdate on his arm, went with Shin to get it, he cried while Shin comforted him over it. Works at the same place as Shin at a similar position, he has saved Shin's ass out of getting fired multiple times. Has a similar style to Reko but wears similar clothes to Shin while at home, dumb graphic tees, yoga pants and hoodies, half of what he wears comes from Shin's closet. 25 years old.

[bluepenguinstories]

Happiness Overload Epilogue II

There was an abundance of color which burned through me. Weary, I looked up and saw the clouds in the sky, a gentle chill ran over me. To think that the outside world could be beautiful, I never would have imagined before. It made tears well up, and for once, it felt good to let them out.

“Do I belong here? Is it right? I don’t know, but I’m glad to be back,” those words sounded strange aloud. As if spoken by someone with a little more life in them. It wasn’t that I was in denial, it was just surreal to me to feel such things and allow myself to enjoy them.

As I began to pick myself up, I realized where I was: that same rooftop where I fought with that woman named Rhea. That stung, the memory resurfaced, and although she was not in front of me, for a second, I thought I could see her corpse.

“I’m sorry. I wish we could have met under different circumstances,” I took a deep breath and picked myself up off the concrete surface. “It would bring me just a little bit of joy if I could set some flowers down here.” Of course, none came. That was just something I would have to get used to.

Near me was the door down, into the building, and back onto the street. When I went to turn the handle, the door turned out to be locked. Foolishness and frustration, I continued to try to open it. I knew what excited me wasn’t up here, but no matter the use, I could not open the door. That was another thing I would have to get used to.

So for the moment, I slid down and sat. How I got back home in the first place was nothing short of a miracle, or a wild coincidence that I had to suspend my disbelief for. In short, all that happened was that I found a Time Cube inside a desk drawer. It took some tinkering with, and even then, I wasn’t sure how I managed what with my mental state, but it looked like it worked.

Not long after I had sat and tried to recall how I made it back, the door opened behind me: it was a security guard. Afraid, I told him that I didn’t know how I got there, but I found myself locked out. Yes, it was a flimsy excuse, but maybe the guard felt sympathetic, or just didn’t care.

“Just try not to wander too far off next time,” was all the guard said in response. I nodded, then made my way back down. “Oh, and you should be careful. We found a dead body lying here just a few days ago.”

In shock, I turned around. “Did you happen to catch what happened?”

“No, that’s the weird thing. I was off that day, but apparently the footage feed that day was having technical issues, otherwise it would’ve caught whatever happened.”

“That’s scary. I just hope no one else was hurt.”

“By the looks of things, it was self-inflicted. There were weapons at the scene, but from what I heard, only her fingerprints were found. I also heard no one could identify her, so she’s been marked a Jane Doe. Strange case all around. Funny thing, too, we had this whole area blocked off until just yesterday.”

It must have been due to the entity that I wasn’t caught on camera. As an institution, I despised his presence, but I was just glad to be out of there. Down each flight of stairs I went, with hurried steps, while others in their offices paid no mind to my presence. Once I was out of the building and into the streets, I became overwhelmed.

The crowds, the noise, the sea of buildings. It was too much to take in at once. I heard too much, I saw too much, and it left me in a panic.

It’s okay. You’re not too far from home.

Was what I told myself, but I didn’t even know whether or not it would work out. Rather, it was just the one goal I had and the one tool at my grasp to manage the sensory overload.

Familiar apartment complex, familiar feeling. Hesitation all over me, just like last time.

Still, I repeated the same action and knocked on the door.

What if she doesn’t live here anymore? Or I ended up in the wrong universe by mistake and she doesn’t know me? Damn it, I’m so scared. Have I always had such levels of anxiety? Is it just exclusive to this one situation? Maybe I shouldn’t be here after all. What if she hates me? No, she doesn’t. Or won’t. But maybe she should. No. Stop that. Haven’t I learned anything? I’m at least going to give this a try.

The door slid open.

She was right in front of me. It was her.

“I recognize that knock anywhere,” was the first thing she said, before the door was even fully open. Wow. She’s got me right down to how I knock, huh?

There we were. Face-to-face. I was about ready to break down then and there. I looked down, my lips quivering, and watched as her expression turned from a dull one to one of excitement; eyes widening, lips spreading to a smile.

“Hey, I know you!” She beamed.

I felt incapable of saying anything in response, even though I wanted to.

“So, uh, did you,” was she stumbling on the words too? “Did you figure anything out while you were away?”

I wanted to nod my head, say yes, but all I did instead was continue to look down. When I tried to speak, all that came out was a whimper.

“This is a bit awkward,” she sounded nervous as well. “I mean, you’ve probably been through a lot, so it would probably be bad to say that I kind of just assumed you’d be back sooner or later, wouldn’t it?”

I took a step forward, dived in, and hugged her tight. I didn’t even realize that it had turned into a tackle before it was too late.

“Hey, hey! Watch out!”

We both fell over onto the floor.

I remained on top of her, my head buried in her shoulder as I began to break down in tears.

“There goes my spine,” she croaked. “Can I move my arms? Nope. Too tight.”

I continued to sob, my face pressed against her neck. She reached a hand up and stroked my hair.

Liar. You said you couldn’t move your arms!

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. I missed you too.”

For whatever reason, hearing that just made me cry more. She continued to stroke my hair. I didn’t know whether or not it was okay, but I began kissing her cheek.

“Aw, she’s kinda cute. Can we keep her?”

“She’s not a dog. You’re married to her,” I heard Trent say.

“Wait, really?” She acted confused.

“That’s it. I’m outta here,” I leaned up and saw him walk out the door. “No, but really. I got work. So, see you two later. Unless some other crazy shit happens.”

I got off of her and sat up. As I tried to wipe my face, I managed to finally speak.

“After last time, I didn’t think I would come back. I wasn’t even sure if I should. For a long time, I just thought it was an act. I told myself I didn’t care what happened to us because I didn’t think there was anything that could be done. To know I once told myself such things, it hurts to think about. That I left last time and I thought I had done too much damage. I didn’t think myself worthy. I –” I stopped myself. I was getting too worked up.

“It’s okay. Didn’t I tell you that last time? It’s okay if you’re not okay, so,” it looked like her eyes were getting misty. “I wasn’t okay. I know you said that you hoped there was some universe where both of us were happy, but I was still worried about the you that I know. That’s why I kept hoping the whole time you were gone that you would be safe. It looks like it reached you,” she laughed, even while a couple drops of tears ran down her face as well.

“I’m sorry. I know myself a whole lot better, but it still doesn’t change the past.”

“I know. But I think it’s better than thinking you’re no longer you,” she gave a little laugh again, then pointed at my arm. “Oh hey, cool bracelet! Did you get that at a gift shop or something?”

Right! The bracelet! I forgot all about that, being so caught up in the moment.

“Um, actually...maybe I should tell you everything that happened while I was away…”

“Sure! But first, grilled cheese! I haven’t had breakfast all day and you’re probably hungry, too!” She got up to head to the kitchen.

“Wait!” I reached my hand out. “Shouldn’t I do that?”

“Why? You’ve probably been through a lot, and they’re easy to make, anyway.”

“Because! Um...someone told me to!”

“Well screw that person.”

I felt like hitting my head against something. Couldn’t I have come up with a better excuse? I had missed her so much and yet I was letting her do everything. Well, it wasn’t like I hated it…

Once she came back with a plate of grilled cheese sandwiches for me, we moved to the couch and sat next to each other. I told her all the different things I experienced and the people I met. I prefaced with “okay, but it might be hard to believe,” and she sat and listened until I was done.

“Wow, you’re right. If not for all the crazy stuff like time-travel, weird stalker mercenaries, and monster girls, I wouldn’t believe you. Oh! By the way, can you still turn into a monster girl?”

“No.”

“Aw! That’s it. I wanna break up.”

I balked. “Come on!”

At least I could tell she wasn’t being serious.

“Still, to think there’s another me out there. I mean, makes sense, right? But still wild to think about. It’s kind of a relief, though. That she’s like that.”

“Yeah, and she figured it out, too. That was something else.”

“Of course. I’m more surprised no one else did. You sure did drop a lotta hints.”

I let out a heavy sigh.

“I guess I’ve become easy to read now.”

“You’ve always been the type to wear your emotions on your sleeve, or at least to me. I’m glad you’re no longer trying to hide it.”

I sniffled. “Thank you.”

We kissed, then I said, “I’m glad to be back, but I think I need some rest.”

“Of course,” she nodded. “I hope you rest well.”

Later in the afternoon, not yet evening, Trent came back. He was only on break, but he came back to get some stuff from home. I tried to fill him in real quick.

“You know, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’m gonna miss all the crazy stuff surrounding her. It’s gonna feel real normal now.”

“Oh. Hm. Yeah. You’re right,” I got out my phone and started clicking.

“What are you doing?”

“Hiring a clown to come over and scare us.”

“Okay, that’s it,” he tried to grab my phone from me.

“Nooo!” I wrested it away.

Yeah, maybe it would be a little quieter and less dangerous, but that didn’t sound so bad.

In the bed, I was curled up, equal measure smiling, and in tears. It was just an expression of joy, even if it still felt intense.

“I can’t believe it...I’ve found home…”

The tears soaked the pillow, but soon, my eyes closed, and I was able to drift off to sleep. I knew it would still be difficult, now that I was much more emotional, but I felt like with time, I could manage, and find greater joy from it.

[buttercupyellow]

Reasons I think L has Aspergers (from my personal experience)

Disclaimer:  I haven’t read up on Aspergers properly, nor am I a psychologist (I took it in the sixth form for 1 year and had constant anxiety attacks - not an experience I want to retry).  99% of this is based on my own experience of having Aspergers.

In no particular order:

The way he sits, with his feet off the floor or curled by his chest.  L says he does this so he can deduce better, probably true.  But this is a defensive position (protecting himself) due to people being around him.  The only time I think we see him sitting differently is when he’s alone/talking through his laptop, with no one there to watch him.

I also sit with my feet off of the floor (when I can) either crosslegged or close to my chest (not the same way as L but similar).  I noticed that when there are fewer people in the room I tend to sit more ‘normal’.

His shoes, or lack of them.  He rarely wears shoes or socks, likely due to sensitive skin.

I also have trouble with shoes and socks, though I do wear them properly for going out.  But while at home I don’t wear anything on my feet as it’s just really uncomfortable, especially if I have a sensory overload going on.

His hair and how it’s styled on his head.  I actually doubt that it’s a style, I think it’s just tangled/wild.  Which is probably because he has a sensitive scalp and doesn’t like his har to be brushed.  He probably keeps it long to hide in as well, I’m sure there is a scene where this happens.  

I also have a sensitive scalp and hate my hair being touched by anyone else but me.  I rarely brush it due to this and also need to keep at least the fringe long enough to hide under in case I get scared or embarrassed in public.  It’s a substitute hoodie now that I think about it.

His clothes and how he wears the same thing.  The fact that he only wears one outfit says that he prefers comfort over fashion.  His long sleeves and long trousers also indicate that he is self-conscious, at least around other people. 

I actually have quite a few outfits, but most of them have a specific ‘formula’ to them.  Mostly they’re jeggings and jumpers/shirts but if it’s hot I’ll wear shorts instead.

His bad posture.  I reckon this is another defensive position for him, seeing as it straightens when he’s by himself. 

I have one of the worst postures I have ever seen in my life, save for the elderly or someone with an actual spinal issue.  I’m pretty similar to L but in a less cartoonish way.  It gets worse with more people around but even alone I’m never straight-backed.

His susceptibility to depression.  During the Yotsuba arc L says he’s feeling depressed and definitely acts it.  He doesn’t seem to enjoy anything he normally would and does the absolute bare minimum. 

Something my Diagnosis Lady told me was that anyone who has any form of ASD (or any mental illness) is immediately more susceptible to depression.  I have also had moments in my life that I have suffered symptoms, even from a very early age I have had periods of not liking my normal hobbies or bad thoughts, etc. I bounce back after a day/week normally though, a little like L in that respect.

His overall social anxiety.

His sitting position, his posture, and his hair all point to this being a major part of L’s social anxiety.  While his blunt and often confident conversations sometimes overpower this idea I think it’s something that he does to ‘fake it till you make it’ or that he feels that he is in a powerful enough position to take control of the situation.

Sensory overload.

His clothes and shoes point towards the idea that he has trouble with sensory overload.

[daily-life-of-crow]

May 9th, 2022 Part 1

Hey so today has been pretty decent I suppose. I woke up later than usual but I was able to catch my bus still. It sucked a little because I nearly couldn't find my meds because my dad moved them. It was pretty warm outside this morning. It was I think 55°F when I left? Somewhere around there. The weather has been weird because we just came out of a cold spike and now there is gonna be a heat spike. Thursday it is supposed to be 90°F. See I really don't like the heat but there should also be storms around this time which makes it worth it. So one of my close friends Froggie wasn't gonna be at school so my rhythm was thrown off a little. I think I am gonna designate animal names for all of my friends because why not. Btw right as I write this, me and Hyena just laughed because the name of Froggie came up in a bio video. Anyways back to retelling my day! So during my first hour, a study hall, I did my Algebra 2 homework but alas there where 3 problems I didn't understand but now I understand 2 of them. So when the bell rang I couldn't say bye to Froggie for they weren't so yeah not as fun. Then off I went to my my second hour, Algebra 2. So turns out we have a quiz tommorow and I will not be at school so that's fun. (Ok I now got to my fifth hour and these boys were whistling and it was not fun this is supposed to be a study hall-) Anyways, I got my problems for the most part understandable then I realized I have more stims than I realized. Turns out, listening to the same song and audio are not normal and are a stim. That was very fun. Then in Chemisty, we measured the lab we started on Friday. Then my teacher Mrs. G helped show us the calculations for it :). Then in Biology, we just finished a packet which I definitely have done./s Then we watched the video like I mentioned. As I am writing this I am in my study hall. After this I get lunch. Sorry for all the time and POV switching things. I plan to write this as my day goes on. Oh I just remembered I have to grab a bus pass! Yeah I will get that when the bell rings. Another thing is that my mouth has been dry all day and I know it's due to my meds. It's not fun like yeah I could drink more water but I hate the bathrooms here and there are only two I feel comfortable using and one I can't use because we are done with plays for the year :(. Also during my study hall I reviewed chapter 17 and 18 of To Kill a Mockingbird because I think we have a quiz on it today in English. Lunch sucks so bad today nothing is edible. I also am not fully connected to the conversation. There is to much happening so I am not here. This is not fun I think I'm not sure. I also had to touch a doorknob and I hated it so much. Sorry I am trying not to swear on here and it's kinda hard. Apparently Bear used a spork to comb his beard? Not sure. I also feel weird because I am wearing a short sleeve and yeah not a fan I guess. Body feels wrong and I had to explain to both Bear and Opossum why I don't like touching doorknobs. Also Fairy keeps touching me with their leg and Penguin had to move closer to me because another person came to sit at our table. I really hate being touch so bad. It makes me very uncomfortable. I also had to use my hair ties to make my arms feel better because rought textures are lovely. I am not sure on how I feel now. I also looked at some silk gloves so I don't have to touch doorknobs during the summer. See I don't like the texture of silk that much but they would be cooler for the summer heat. Just found out that the place I go to every monday I can't go to. So I just got to my 6th hour, Carrers, and a kid walked in and screeches which hurts my ears a lot and gives me sensory issues. Yeah not that much fun. So that is my current update. I really don't like loud noises. Also I kind of want to punch the kid who came in and screeched. He is very annoying but yet again I don't know the whole story. I am not sure how to feel or put a stance on things. I also want to put my hair up but in English I can't have it up because I like my earbuds in and Mrs. O doesn't like that.

Songs on Loop:

CHAMBER by Banshee

Happy Face by Jagwar Twins

Chin Up High by Ame Bibabi

Tem Shop by Toby Fox

Ackerman Style by Franco Aurelio and Prbtre

Fell asleep to Jeffer Drive by $uicideboy$

New Information:

There are a lot of forms of stimming that I didn't realize. And yes having songs and sounds and such on repeat is a stim and is indeed not normal. I legit thought everyone did that-

Goals Progress:

None yet ish

[chochmah-binah-daas]

The months since elul 5777 has been a hugely transitional time for me for so many reasons. I’ve been meaning to write about this since, well, late elul, early tishrei but I never had the energy to do so. I broke this up into chunks for easier reading but this is still quite an essay…

I know this is long but please like if you read even a part of this and if you have any insights or advice to offer me, my askbox is open and I’d love some support of any kind!!

Children

I always wrote off the idea of having children, even to the point of being one of those people who thought it was funny to be somewhat hostile towards kids. I did have some legitimate reasons for this, mostly sensory issues, being that I’m autistic and am sensitive to many sensory experiences; however, most of it was me just stubbornly holding onto a general distaste for children. Through the course of my retail job, I found myself more and more warming up to the kids who came into the store to the point where I would go out of my way to make faces and wave at babies at the expense of doing my actual job (not to worry, my job was literally completely ineffective). As I realized just after the High Holy Days began, I didn’t just not hate children anymore, I liked them. I actively like and desire to have children now.

If someone had asked me if I really thought I never wanted kids, I would pretty adamantly say I didn’t, though sometimes I’d admit that I could see myself maybe adopting one child in the future. Now it actively pains me that I don’t have children. Plural. Children. My only image of my future self is me, happily married and raising at least 3 or 4 good Jewish children.

I’m only 23 so I know that I’m not expected by secular society to have kids but seeing my more observant Jewish cousins around my age pursuing marriage really gets me down a lot of the time. I want nothing more right now than to marry a nice gay Jewish man and adopt a few kids. This leads me to my next sections…

Career goals

I never settled on one single thing I wanted to do with my life. I was one of those kids who, probably due to being autistic, was always getting deeply invested in something and then flitting off to another after a couple months. For the last year or two I did have a decent idea in my head that I wanted to get a Master’s of Library and Information Science degree and work in a library or archive. I’m good at that kind of work. It allows me to be quiet and a bit neurotic about my workstation because I’d largely be working alone, away from the general public and most of my coworkers.

After my graduation, my mom and grandma suggested that I consider going to law school. I agreed to at least take the LSAT, which I will be doing in February and oy am I nervous!! My mom, who went to law school, says that she thinks I’d be great at it, that my mind is so well-suited to that type of thinking. I don’t disagree with her but I also can’t imagine myself doing anything with a law degree.

In fact, I can’t imagine myself doing anything in the future. People think I’m joking, but I really do just want to marry someone with a steady, well-paying job and be a house-spouse. I have a deep passion for learning but I have no passion for an actual career that comes along with any path of study. In a perfect world where my mental illness didn’t destroy my ability to read, I would love to go get an MLIS and/or a law degree. I’d even consider going to a yeshiva and studying Torah, Talmud, contemporary Jewish issues, all that. But once I’m out of school, I have no clue what I’d do besides sit at home with all that knowledge swirling around in my head.

Education is never a waste in my opinion, but also formal education is expensive and I’d never be able to afford it without having a prospective career in my future to provide the income for paying off the student loans.

Gender

I never understood the concept of gender. All I know is what language I’m comfortable with, how I like dressing, and what I want my body to be. I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) and I medically transitioned through hormones, chest surgery, and a hysterectomy. My pronouns are they/them or he/him. I am now legally male with a traditionally male name. On most days, I enjoy wearing skirts though I do occasionally choose to wear pants. I could never be cis-passing unless I stuck with wearing pants all the time, which would make me very uncomfortable. If you asked me to get dressed without thinking about it at all, my first choice would be to throw on a skirt, t-shirt, and cardigan. It’s comfortable, psychologically and sensory.

None of this changed during elul 5777; what did change was how my gender and my Judaism were connected. Before, they weren’t. Now, I am working on becoming shomer tznius which involved a major overhaul of my wardrobe, particularly the skirts and dresses. I got rid of almost all of my short and revealing articles unless they could be easily layered and bought a lot of long skirts, three quarter sleeve shirts, cardigans, and other tznius layering essentials.

When it comes to my religious observance, I mix and match though I do mostly connect with the mitzvos for men. In shul and at home, I prefer not to light the shabbos candles if there is a woman who would be able to do it instead. I wear tallis and tefillin to daven and I leyn torah. But I also enjoy occasionally wearing a tichel and being the one who cooks for shabbos, plus the aforementioned movement towards being shomer tznius.

Religious observance

I currently attend, and work for, a Reform shul. I adore my community and the rabbi there. It’s such a loving and supportive community with a small but fantastic group of regulars at Torah study. I’m fortunate in that my community has no problem with the way I present myself. They accept me as a queer Jew who expresses their queerness and their Jewishness in a unique way. But I worry about how other Jewish communities might react towards me, especially since I can see myself being much more observant than I currently am.

Ideally, I would have a kosher kitchen and fully observe shabbos. I would live close enough to walk to shul and I would make sure to raise my children with a strong Jewish identity, and of course a Jewish education. I don’t know if I could have that kind of life while being involved in a Reform community, largely because they don’t tend to celebrate every holiday and also when they do, it can be too lax for my tastes. For example, even in the winter our shabbos services don’t start until 6 or 7 PM, a solid 2 or so hours after shabbos actually begins.

As a queer Jew, who is very obviously gender nonconforming, I don’t know how I would fit into a more traditional community that would probably be more regimented in its separation of genders into a binary. I wear tallis and tefillin when I daven but I would be seen as a woman by some men so I would be immediately singled out as an other. I do wear skirts but I also have a deep voice and facial hair (and my name is Zack) so I’m automatically too male for women-only spaces. Not that I feel entitled to men- or women-only spaces, but I do fear how I could become more observant, when doing so tends to mean an increase in that kind of separation.

Relationships

This is probably the trickiest and most personal portion of this whole shpiel. I’m currently… somewhat in a relationship, I guess? When I transferred to HSU, I thought I was aromantic-asexual and I have since realized that I am neither of those and now identify as someone generally attracted to men. But soon after starting at HSU, I met someone else who identifies as aro-ace and we became really close friends, hanging out all the time in one of our dorm rooms. They were in a non-romantic, queer-platonic relationship with two people and suddenly, they started including me in this relationship. I didn’t mind this so much at the beginning but the more I come to understand my identity and my vague goals and dreams for the future, the more I realize that I just can’t go where I want to go in life and be tied to this relationship.

I know that the longer this goes on, the worse it will be to break it off but I’m terrified to do so, for various reasons I don’t want to get into here. As I said earlier, I want to marry a Jewish guy and have Jewish kids and live a Jewish life. I obviously can’t do that in a household with two pagans and a Catholic, none of whom want kids at all. I know I’m probably becoming one of Those Converts who gets super zealous about Judaism and defensive of their Jewishness but over the last year or so, and especially since elul, I have had this image in my head that I just can’t shake. And that image doesn’t include the people I currently feel tied down to.