#he also has severe social anxiety so its been a lot for him and IM SO PROUD!!! HE DID IT!! :D HE LANDED A JOB!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

scarlethallow160 · 2 years

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why tf do one bedroom apartments have to be so expensive (this is a huge vent dump pls avert your gazes)

my roommate keeps inviting people to our apartment without fucking telling me (or waiting til the LAST possible second to do so) even tho i’ve said time and time again i hate when people do that especially cuz he has a bad habit of doing that when we have plans where he just invites other people (esp people i barely know or dont know at all) without telling me or anyone else that was already involved. its even more aggravating cuz when this is brought up he acts like he makes sure to avoid this and he fucking doesnt like when i lived with an old friend and an ex-friend, him and our other friend invited someone to our place (so they invited a stranger to a place they did not live at) and none of them fucking told me until i was literally about to walk inside after work and like am i crazy or do people not see how rude that is?? like dawg thats my fucking home U GOTTA TELL ME WHEN PEOPLE THAT DO NOT LIVE THERE ARE GOING TO BE THERE

and if ur going to force me to interact with strangers have the decency to introduce us???? once we went to meet with some friends (not rly but i’d met them before) and ig one of their sisters was there and they just. didnt introduce us to each other? and we were on opposite ends of the table so its not like we could really interact either? and they did this when we got invited to another friends bday thing where someone i’d never been introduced to was there and they didnt fuckin introduce us and i was anxious cuz i was sitting across from her and finally had to be like “oh hi are u x? i’m so-and-so” like jesus christ is this not common sense for people? why are yall okay with forcing complete strangers to hangout

and with work today i was so overstimulated and got more and more aggravated by this cuz like i dont want to have to move every year and one bedrooms are so expensive rn but im so fucking tired of going thru this. not to mention we dont have a ceiling fan in our living room so he turns down the ac rly low when people are over so it jacks up our ac bill so it makes me even More anxious cuz him inviting people over = social anxiety for me and general anxiousness knowing our bill is going to be higher

i was so aggravated by this i ended up skipping out on plans we had today cuz my roommate also talks about himself. a lot. and we were out with friends like yesterday night or smthing and he kept going on and on about some guys he’s talking to on a dating app and i knew that would just make me angrier and idk it kinda sucked that one of my other friends involved thought i felt i was rly close with didnt seem to gaf either that i abruptly dropped out and theres obviously something wrong with me mental health-wise cuz i have this really bizarre self-sabotaging tendency when my mood severely dips where i convince myself no one cares or everyone hates me and think of this dark scenarios and just kind of start spiraling

and with my anger issues i go thru this weird loop of understanding a lot of my emotional/temperamental and communication issues stems from my fucked up family cuz my mom is super vain/self-absorbed and never thinks she can be wrong and basically my sisters are the same so i keep things bottled up and end up getting REALLY angry with no healthy outlet until i reach a breaking point and im just not great with communicating how i rly feel either cuz talking to my family was like talking to a brick wall and my older sister would literally cut me off constantly telling me to shut up so i rarely communicate things beyond like....joking around and stuff so i tend to vent/trauma dump into the void on social media lmfao which is obviously not healthy at all either but like......yeah it also sucks when i start spiraling and thinking back on this shit that i’ll never get closure from the longterm issues i developed from my family cuz now they want to act like we’re this tight-knit super close family that always got along and even if i were to ever bring this shit up they’d just point fingers or deny doing anything wrong.

idk like its nice having a group of friends i can hangout with and stuff irl but also i feel like i cant ever really talk to them about anything like this that im going thru cuz i also feel super uncomfortable thinking i might be making things about myself (and honestly i do hate when people trauma-dump on me completely out of nowhere so i also want to avoid doing that)

also whats stopping me about addressing these issues with my roommate is cuz he has a tendency to victimize himself and thinking hes just being attacked? like he’s also super self-deprecating All the time which is also extremely exhausting to deal with constantly and it pisses me off that with our other friend/my old roommate, my current roommate kisses his ass and listened to him when he told him these issues of him being too self-deprecating etc. but ik if anyone else did he would just feel sorry for himself

im tired of this

#this post is a mess pls no one look at it #i needed to Express myself from certain prying eyes

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festeringneondistraction · 2 years

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What slipping though the cracks feels like

So im back on my bullshit. Life has just seriously been kicking me while im down. At this point I wouldn't mind moving back in with parents but unfortunately thats just not a fucking option. Sure my brother gets to live at home for the first few years of adulthood but i dont!?!?! He tried alaska, it didnt work out. he tried new mexico, it didnt work out, he tried the Navy and then that didnt work out. Im not shaming him I just feel like my family has given him a lot more grace. He has a lot of credit card debt and now that me and jacob are bringing on the debt people start judging.

Im so fucking frustrated, it genuinely feels like there is just no place for me in this world. It sucks. Its absolutely crushing. I have so many things that I want to do and be but zero reasources. Theres no money im so alone. its not fair to try and force jacob to try and get a job when i cant even find a job. Hes been unemployed for a while.

The main thing pissing me off is bureaucracy... I absolutely do not possess the skills needed to be able to access the services I need. Everyone ALWAYS says "just get on disability, just get a social worker to help you" okay HOW. HOW do i get that? Its not as simple as go to the website or make a phone call. Im terrible with phone calls, the websites just straight up do not work sometimes, and I don't have all the documents. Im Autistic, I was diagnosed late senior year of highschool (during covid). They attempted to get me services but there was not the time. I was full on failing and nobody at that school really should have let me graduate. It was an incredibly poor decision on there part. Honestly over 50% of the class should have not graduated. I kind of dont have basic math skills as well? Due to my learning disabilities (which also went undiagnosed for years) I have the math skills of a 6th grader (potentially worse) at 19.

I want to do collage but im worried I couldn't handle it. I also just cant afford to go to school and not work. Im done. Im so sick of this country (U.S). Slipping through the cracks sucks so much. I honestly wish I was more visably disabled so maybe someone might help me. I really need help. We cant navagate this. I DONT HAVE LIFESKILLS I CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. How do you tell people that?

I dont like borrowing money from people but we really haven't had much of a choice. I feel like im taking advantage of people but im really not trying to. I have this deep impending fear that this is all my fault, im not trying hard enough and i just need to get my shit together. Or that im self sabotaging or enabling jacob or some shit. I feel like a fucking criminal sometimes. It hurts. It doesn't help that our families treat us like criminals sometimes. I hate that ive lied so many times about having a job but im sick of the fucking lectures, I really do appreciate all the people who have helped and all the money ive been given but goddamn it i hate taking peoples money but im literally forced to. Ive had my rent paid for me a few times now,,, its embarrassing. The worst part is people see that you have had other people helping out with rent and immediately judge you. If I didnt have food stamps I would have legitimately starved by now.

I went to the hospital a few weeks ago. I was already having a severe panic attack then got news that my uncle died in a car accident. I still dont know if im in a place where i can write out exactly what my brain felt like in those days but it was terrifying. I was hallucinating harder than I ever had before. They gave me the option to stay or just take some anxiety meds and go home. I took the meds. Part of me wishes I had just stayed. It really feels like that was the only way I was going to get real help that I need. I get really bad intrusive thoughts so thats how I actually got admitted.

All I want is some peace of mind and stability. Thats fucking it. I dont even need to be happy right now i just need to catch my fucking breath. Ive been unemployed almost 2 months now. It took 6 months last time for us to get settled into this god forsaken apartment. Im grateful I HAVE an apartment for sure because its not lost on me how easily I could lose it. I know I should be paying my own rent. im more than fucking aware. I feel bad lying to people because it stresses me out but mostly because we straight up cant afford to have people mad at us right now. I need every support system I can fucking get. Its not fair none of this is fair I don't think my family understands how disabled I actually am let alone jacob. I constantly trying to figure out ways to make money its just not fucking working.

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lady-ashfade · 2 years

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@butchire

hi!! i saw u were doing this and it looked really cool so i figured id participate :] ty if u do mine! hope ur havin a great day/night, stranger

Name/Nickname: Gabriella/Gabi/Gabe

Pronouns: They/Them

What I Look Like: Tall-ish (with my boots), brown medium length wolf-cut for hair (also have long bangs), chubby, big chest (that i try to bind often), adrodynous looking face (unless i do feminine makeup)

What I’m Like: im told im intimidating at first, and i have some serious RBF, so i get why. but everyone when they get to know me start to realize im really not scary, and i can be really charming to others. that sounds dumb but its what my friends said. i have a lot of social anxiety though, i fidget a lot, but i do have a lot of anger i take out on the kids who used to bully me, i used to chase down the boys who were dicks to me (lmao)

Hobbies: a lot of drawing, video games, baking sometimes, singing

Anything u should know: My style is very Alt, i aim for punk but usually just fall at grunge/emo, wear all black clothing mostly unless its patterned sweats + band shirts. wear a lot of silver jewelry (multiple earrings, lot of big rings w/ skulls and onyx on them, several various necklaces) makeup is done with a lot of eyeliner and black eyeshadow, black used as contour also. also leather jackets and cargo pants. i almost always wear these big heavy leather boots.

Who I want (age range): the Party (mike/will/max/el/lucas/dustin etc, but im also near steve/nancy/jonathan/eddie’s age so they can also fall in there.)im unlabelled so any gender works good for me, i am somewhat woman-leaning tho

Thank you for being here! And for participating in this event.

Now who do I ship you with?..

—

…

I ship you with Nancy because the opposite attract. You guys being the dark and light couple would be the cutest- I ship.

You’re a Byers, you’ve always been picked on so that’s nothing new to you. You are Jonathan’s twin, even though he’s five minutes older- He’s your little brother in your eyes.

You guys meet in elementary school when some boy was picking on Nancy, stole her book away from her and held it above her reach. Flirting with her. But you being the cool person you are walked right up to him and kicked him in the balls and grabbed the book. You guys become best friends after that, but it didn’t last.

Nancy and you grow apart because she wanted to be in the more popular crowd and you liked being the outcast. She you guys waved and gave each other smiles in the hallway but nothing more. Or when you picked up Will with Jonathan you had a conversation every now and then.

But when everything happened in season one, you got closer. Everyone that happened with Jonathan, happened with you instead. So you got together around the middle of season two. Best couple in my eyes-

Hc’s

Walking around with your arms around her in school, to make people back off.

You are like a guard dog, but little do people know that she does the same thing to you.

She likes to steal your clothes even if it doesn’t fit her style. She loves the way they smell like you .

She has one of your rings around her neck on a necklace because it slipped off her fingers.

She is your sweet supportive girlfriend. Like if sing in a talented show she is cheering you on.

Sits on your lap when you play video games and tries it one of twice because she wants to be closer to you.

Baking with her is the cutest thing ever. She loves it, always end up laugh together. Bring her cupcakes and she will smother you in kisses.

Drawing is her favorite thing to watch you do. She had a whole scrapbook of you guys and your drawings are in there.

Don’t think if you do anything cool like in a talented show, or sports or anything that she wouldn’t force it to be in the new paper.

Being the most badass couple when shit goes done. Like punch a bear badass.

#stranger things shipping event

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p1nkwitch · 3 years

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Just wanted to drop this cause im tired.

Enjoy some lonelyeyes reincarnation au in a coffee shop.

Peter works.

Its not something that particularly bothers him much. His sister laughs and jokes around with him, while moving around serving her orders.

Their cafe is small and cozy but also sort of lonely, they have the oddest shifts imaginable, mostly working the graveyard shift.

Peter cooks the pastries while Judith and Aaron take the orders and serve the food. Clara has her music show on fridays and Lydia works at the art gallery but spends most of her time helping around as well.

The five of them are happy.

Simon was happy to help them pay for the Tundra Cafe. He hums under his breath while Judy sings along, there weren't that many people so they could do it without shame.

He is content.

…

At least he thinks he is. And honestly why shouldn't he? He has a good job, he has a good relationship with all his siblings, his adoptive dad loved them unconditionally.

By all means he should be nothing but happy.

And yet.

He feels… as if something was missing.

It was like an itch that he could not get over with.

It probably started back when he got a crush in one of his college professors that he realized-

That he really was missing something important.

Mister Wright was older than him sure, but he was handsome and Peter wasn't one to care much about age. However, the few times they spoke it was-

It was like there was something not right, it soured him somehow, but perhaps it was for the best, the man was married and he just had a stupid silly crush. It still did not take away the fact that he felt as if there was something off with him too.

He thinks his eyes should be a clearer grey than they were.

The next time he realized something was off was when he met Elias Bouchard.

Again it was embarrassing how quickly he seemed to get a crush on him, he just saw him a few times and his mind got stuck on his face. He was handsome and this time he was around his age. They had a few classes together so despite his anxiety he actually spoke with him.

And it was….

Dull.

He was dull as a wall. It did not lead up to anything else, beyond a few greetings later on, but it stayed on his mind.

Any other attempt at dating or going out turned out badly for him and its not as if he didn't try! It just was never… right.

Clara said that if he kept looking for the perfect person he would die alone and miserable. Lydia hits her and tells him that its ok, sometimes people don't click, he just needs to find someone who gets him.

He tries, but between his social anxiety, personality and perhaps his lack of interest in sex during the best of times, people are more or less put off with him. His sisters and brother are all offended on his behalf but Peter has resigned himself to not think too much about it.

Maybe he is like Lydia and he is better off alone.

That makes all of them look at him with tight faces and he blinks confusedly at them.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing, just, you have us and dad Peter you're not alone” Judy holds his hand and Aaron nods.

“I- i know, i just meant like relationship wise, maybe i just have to be alone. I know I have all of you. We live in the same building block. I don't think we could be alone if we wanted” That makes them all sort of laugh and the tension breaks.

His siblings talk and joke and he ponders.

He wonders why sometimes they all act weird with him when he speaks about being alone. Why his adoptive dad always made sure to let them know he loved them. Simon was fun and took care of them, but it always felt as if he wasn't saying something.

However he sees his family be happy around him and he ignores that feeling of wrong that always permeates around him. He won't dampen their happiness with his own pessimistic thoughts and paranoia.

So yes, Peter bakes, makes models of ships on his free time, takes pictures a lot-

He found out he enjoyed keeping pictures of things he liked, plus taking odd ones of his siblings. It was just… harmless fun, more often than not he went to the port to take pictures of the ships. He wondered how it would feel to have his own.

Still that's a dream for someone else.

Peter Fairchild is happy with the quaint little life he has.

It stands to reason that his life would be upturned on a Tuesday, Peter has a personal hate towards that day of the week and it makes sense that this happened then.

Aaron was running late, he had to help a friend move out and it took longer than expected, the cafe opened earlier than usual and there were a lot of people. Judith could not take all the orders on her own, and their sisters would not be able to help at least for another hour. So with a sigh and discomfort he goes to take orders.

They work faster like that at least.

Its when he asks about the order of some guy working on his laptop that he gets hit with something familiar.

“One black coffee and a chocolate croissant” The order rings alarm bells on his head so he looks to the face of the owner.

A man with curly auburn hair, red glasses and freckles gives him a practiced strained smile that he sees in more clients, but what actually makes him almost drop the paper he was writing on was the eyes, they were such a cool shade of grey.

He flounders and the man raises an eyebrow impatiently, so he writes quickly and goes back to get order. She gives him a puzzled look since she is usually the one taking them to the customers, but Peter shakes his head and works.

His hands move on autopilot to make the coffee, and even if he says black he puts just the right amount of milk and sugar that his mind provides.

Picking up one of the freshly made croissants and after hesitating a chocolate chip cookie he goes and gives it to the man quietly and without a word. That done and his sweaty palms and his heart going faster he goes to hide in the kitchen, expecting to get yelled at for messing up the order-

But nothing happens.

Judith comes to check on him, but Peter was at that point just cleaning up a little bit and waves her away. Nodding she hesitates and hugs him a little bit before going out. He lets out a breath and sighs.

Lydia and Clara come 10 minutes later and he can stay cooped out in the kitchen in peace. Still he can't help but to be nervous about the customer he gave the coffee and cookie.

Why did he change his order? It was insignificant but it just sounded right. Fretting a little he finishes cleaning the plates. Nothing else comes about and by the time they close the man is gone.

The feeling of loss becomes stronger.

He doesn't see him again for at least another 3 weeks, in fact the only reason he realizes is because Clara says there is a sour red head giving her and Judith the stink eye every time they try to get his order. His lips twitch upwards and he suggests sending Aaron, she rolls her eyes but asks the younger boy to go.

Its not five minutes later that he comes back just as perplexed.

“Is he trying to just get the wifi for free? I'm going to kick him off” Peter dries his hands and quietly prepares the order. Once he is done he sneaks out and delivers it to him, the man gives him a critical look that sends shivers down his spine. Both in disgust and familiarity.

“I didn't order yet”

“... Well you didn't let anyone take your order anyways” His lips purse in thought and he picks up the drink taking a sip. He puts the rest of his things down and goes to turn around to leave, when he asks how did he know how he takes his coffee.

Peter doesn't have a clue.

“You just looked like you needed something less bitter” He sees his mouth fall open slightly and Peter goes while feeling his ears burn, oh god why did he say that?

Once back in the safety of the kitchen, Judy gives him a look but pats his shoulder and goes out.

Ok, ok, he is fine.

The man keeps coming and refuses to let any of his siblings pick out his orders. So Peter is the one in charge to talk with him. Albeit that is an understatement. They merely snark a little, he gives him his order and goes. Whoever is working that day is supposed to charge him, Peter is only obligated to present the food. However the interesting thing is, that just as their cafe opens at weird hours of the day, the man appears there just as well, its kind of eerie how well he seems to know when it's open considering they have the oddest schedules.

Its in fact in one of those times they work at night that he sees him again. Usually he is very put together, but this time he looked… well messy. His hair looked as he had run his hands through it several times, his eyes were red and puffy and he honestly looked miserable.

Peter was completely baffled, the worst part is he wasn't sure what to do, or if he should say something.

The place was almost empty, his sister was keeping watch, so he just stands there and asks what he wanted that night.

He looks up to him and Peter has that feeling that this man should not be looking like this, he should be smug or sure of himself not… whatever this was. He also wanted to pull him towards him and that thought made his cheeks heat up.

“Just- heh, just surprise me i guess. Its been… its been one of those days” He is not sure what he means, but he nods and goes to make him something. Most of the names of the drinks and desserts were Lydia's ideas, the rest of his siblings alongside him were terrible at picking names. He is surprised they even let him pick the one of the cafe, but considering the other options, it was the least weird one.

Still they do have some that they chose for the orders.

Case in point.

The chocolate tower cake lovingly named the panopticon and his special coffee the watcher. It was named like that when it was proven that it had so much caffeine that it made you unable to sleep. He is sure he saw a guy stop blinking for like five minutes after insisting on drinking it, despite the warnings.

So once he grabs it, he takes it to the table and warns him.

“We are not responsible for the repercussions of drinking the watcher” The man looks at him and for the first time since he started to come he sees him smile, soon it turns into laughter. Peter watches while clutching the tray and feeling butterflies in his stomach.

He has a lovely laugh.

“What- what is so funny?”

“You- i- it doesn't matter. I get the name now I suppose. The cake?” The small chocolate tower had several fillings and it was very spongy and full of chocolate.

“Mm the panopticon is the best cake we have, surprised you didn't try it before little man” The slip up comes and he freezes expecting the man to say something or get annoyed, but all he does is sigh and smile more sadly at him.

“Thank you” Its weird and he is unsure what happened but he smiles back awkwardly.

He doesn't come back for 2 weeks.

Its raining when he sees him again.

It was Lydia and him and the place only had two clients sitting around drinking and talking amicably. He doesn't pay attention to the little whistle that lets them know someone entered, Simon thought it would be more fun than a bell.

Still his older sisters comes inside looking-

Frazzled?

Lydia is the most calm out of all of them so he immediately goes to see if she is fine, instead she shakes her head and points inside the cafe.

When he looks he sees the man, but he also realizes he has an awful bruise on his eye and chin as if someone had punched him. His heart sort of seizes and his sister goes out with him.

“Are you-”

“I want another watcher and panopticon” He doesn't let him finish, he is sitting close to the register. The man looks even more tired and wiped out.

“... I will get it?” Lydia elbows him. “Do you- do you want some ice for your face?” He can feel his sister disappointment and need to hit her forehead, but he honestly doesn't know what to say. The man, and he really needs to get a name, nods, so Peter prepares the order and gets some ice wrapped up for him.

“Thank you”

“You are welcome um..-?” He drifts and the man looks at him with one eye squinting due to the swelling.

“Jonah. In Jonah Magnus” He seems to be expecting something, yet Peter just nods.

“Peter Fairchild pleasure to meet you?” Lydia is giving him looks. Jonah seems to deflate, but smiles a little, albeit is tainted by the grimace of pain.

“Now that we have names can i eat?” He scowls but nods and lets him be. Still he checks on him from time to time and everytime he peeks from the kitchen window he sees him staring back at him. Peter blushes and works.

He leaves and he is left with questions.

Lydia acts very oddly and concerned about him and the man, but he waves her off.

Jonah comes back, still with the bruises but he looks more calm.

“I wanted to apologize for the scare, I had an altercation with… a friend. That went poorly as you can see” Peter nods and gives him his cookies.

“So- um.. I was wondering if perhaps as a… you know, treat for being so nice, you would like to go out to eat? Or well i was going to suggest getting some coffee but i think you might already be tired of it by now” It takes him a few seconds to realize he is asking him out. When he does he chokes on air and after thinking it a little he nods.

He sees Jonah smile become more real and realizes he was concerned he would say no. He also sees his cheeks start to slowly become more pink the more he stares. So he looks elsewhere and says they can pick a date later. Jonah nods, grabs the writing pad from his hands brushing their fingers and puts up a number.

“So we can arrange it more easily” Peter nods and laughs nervously while walking away. He feels them tingle pleasantly.

“YOU HAVE A DATE!!”

“With the weirdo Ju, i'm sure Peter can do better than him-”

“Cla don't be mean, plus he said yes so he is interested-!”

“That he is interested doesnt mean its good for him Aaron!”

“Don't be so sour-”

Lydia sits with him and they just watch TV calmly while the others talk in the kitchen making dinner. It was Saturday so they were having it in her apartment.

“Do you think it will make you happy?” The question is too particular, but his sister is always like that so he nods.

“It feels… right, more real than anything i suppose, i know its weird but i just…” He just sometimes feels as if he is sort of existing in some sort of empty space and that everything is his imagination.

Life is good. He has siblings that love him, a dad that cares for all of them instead of their original family that was terrible.

Peter has a job-

Life is perfect.

And yet-

This man is more real than anything else.

Like a splash of color in his grayscale world, he is infuriating with his answers when they have small talks at the cafe, but the banter is familiar, it gives him an ache that doesn't understand.

The same ache he thinks he got when he met James and Elias, only this time its because its right. Jonah is right. He is put out of his musings by a hand on his arm.

“I get it Peter… i really do. As long as you are happy its fine. Just… just know that we love you ok? Don't forget it” He tilts his head and sighs before giving her sister a side hug, the top of her head is a little below his collarbone, so he kisses it and says that he could never.

They meet up to actually have lunch.

Its… its nice.

Jonah is a little bastard and they spend time judging and betting on the people around. He also learns more about him.

He is working mostly in management, which he thinks suits him way too well, he seems bossy enough.

“Rude!” He grins at him and feels…

At ease.

The man likewise seems far more calmer and happy, it makes him oddly happy to see him like that.

They keep going out, sometimes for lunch, sometimes they get coffee somewhere else. But they do and the more he gets to hear him talk, the more he feels as if he had always know him, but just could not remember it. Sometimes Jonah seems that he knows him too and its sort of perplexing. Clara would say he stalked him, but its- there are such small things that its not possible for him to know, even if he had.

Its at their 6 date that he asks him to eat at his place. He looks surprised but nods.

When he opens the door and sees him, he almost stammers a holy fuck, he barely manages to get a hold of himself. Jonah looked-

Handsome, so so handsome. It sort of fried his brain a little bit.

So he lets him and tries to finish cooking to distract himself from saying something stupid or embarassing like-

Marry me.

No, no he is not that stupid.

Still Jonah offers to help and they work in tandem and it is such a familiar feeling he is left breathless.

They move as if they both already were used to having the other in their space, its… nerve wracking. Peter wants to know why.

The dinner is delicious and they end up curling on the couch watching tv, Jonah is using him as a giant pillow and Peter can't complain, the weight on top of him actually makes him feel comforted and also sleepy…

He sees the man yawn and before thinking it better asks if he wants to crash here since its late and they are both tired. Jonah blinks at him and he sees him hesitate, so he assures him he won't take it bad if he says no, it was merely a suggestions and-

He laughs and nods before hiding his face on the crook of his neck. He lets out a breath almost as if punched and feels his cheeks warm up while grinning like an idiot.

Once they change and he offers the man a shirt that hangs a little bit too loosely around his frame they get in bed and Peter sort of… stares, Jonah does the same.

“Hey” His lips twitch.

“Hey yourself” It's not clear which one of them moves first, but the next thing he knows they were kissing. It wasn't rushed or anything merely a press of their lips that sets him aflame inside. God he loves him doesn't he?

He loves-

He-

…

Oh.

Son of a bitch.

He bites his lip lightly making the man complain and then he pulls back.

“You sneaky bastard” He sees him frown and then light up with realization.

“Oh”

“Hello Elias” He frowns.

“Jonah if you don't mind” Peter mulls it over, thinking of James and Elias. It wasn't the body that he wanted.

It was the smug bastard that was piloting it that he loved.

“Jonah” The man shivers “I died” He sees him lock his jaw and close his eyes. How peculiar, he would not have hidden away before or shown… shame for what he can see on his face, he wonders what changed in this life.

Peter sees him swallow.

“You did” Nodding he thinks. He died, there were fear gods, he was a Lukas once upon a time, but now he was a Fairchild even if by adoption.

He grew alone, he grew with his siblings.

He was lonely, he was loved.

Peter sees a small tear escape Jonah along with his body being tightly coiled, as if waiting to sprint out.

The punches make sense now, if someone else remembered...

Letting out a breath and pulling at his hair in thought, Peter closes his eyes too and lets it all go over him. That was a life ago, and now? Now he is here and he was… content, but not happy.

Not until he found him again. Or more like Jonah found him.

Its easy honestly, the answer to what he wants to do with him and this chance.

Peter in his first life had only cared about two things, his god and Elias. One is gone, the other.. changed, but was still the same. The same man he had fallen in love with so many times, and in different ways through the years of their marriages and divorces.

The only one that had some form of hold over his heart.

“Come here my little siren” Jonah’s eyes flash open and he blinks a few more tears away before scrambling to his open arms. Its raining outside and the sound its what they hear beyond their breathing and the beating of their hearst. The lights of the room are dimmed and Peter finally feels right, he pulls the covers up and tangles their bodies together, fitting perfectly together.

Without forsaken he can admit it freely, that he loves this, loves the feeling of Jonah pressed against him, a different body, but also always the same.

He just needs to get used to it again, slowly playing with his hair he speaks.

“You are quite a bastard, but so am i and… as nice as this life is… i think its much better with you in it” Jonah shivers.

“What i'm trying to say is i missed you, even if i didn't remember you before. It was always like there was something amiss. A hole in my perfect little life”

“I-” He smiles tiredly.

“You didn't, i know, but its ok. I know you” Jonah shakes his head.

“I did- i just didn't know it either, i thought it was Barnabas at first, then the others, but… it was you. I missed you Peter, I really did…. Even- even in the apocalypse I still did, I would look into the lonely often. Useless sure, but i did” His plan had worked, but at the same time that was no longer their issue.

“Well I guess we are at an impasse. What do you want to do?”

“... I want- i want to stay, please” He thinks of his apartment, big enough for two.

“You will have to deal with my siblings and Simon, this time we stayed close” He snorts.

“If they don't kick me out, i was… an ass with them” Kissing his forehead Peter laughs.

“You were, but… they are happy for me”

“... then yes i would like to stay”

“Good, Jonah?” He looks up to him again, and Peter sees the eyes are the same, that this time they are right, leaning down he kisses him. They fumble in bed for a long while and when they are both sated and more used to each other's bodies, Peter lets the smaller man hug him from the back to cuddle and finally fall asleep.

“You know one would think you would enjoy the opposite of this-”

“I do, but i missed you, so hush and just sleep” He stays quiet for a little bit.

“Night Peter”

“Night, I love you”

“.... i love you too” He smiles.

In the morning they will make breakfast, Jonah goes to his place and he prepares to work. Once he sees him come in later on during the day he presents to him his order and gets a smile.

They will try to make this life count.

He wonders how long till he moves in with him.

On his way to buy groceries he sees a box with a familiar kitten left to the side of a building and he sighs. Better take his cat to the vet now, food can wait.

His sisters will be ecstatic.

Aaron not so much since he is allergic, but well.

It is his cat.

Life truly is good now.

He got his husband, his cat, family and job.

Humming along with the kitten pawing at his arms softly he feels the most happy as he has ever been.

#lonelyeyes #peter lukas #jonah magnus #captain the cat #mywritingf

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theunconcernedembalmer · 3 years

Text

ok i got the aesvic out of my system now time to pick apart the letter n why i wont really be following aesops diary exactly here. literally no one asked but i wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere cos i have. a lot

just gonna put a quick rundown of aesops diary entry as a refresher (mostly for myself so i dont miss anything): he dreamt that he was helping jerry with what was probably a murder n was affirmed n he thinks its a sign congratulating him on carrying out his duty. over the years, he carries out his duties as an undertaker n comes to the manor looking for a “fresh start” aka what sounds like his first victim. according to aesop, said victim should be quiet, n potential victim number 1 is victor. something about badly needing him to become his “silent friend” n he mentions he’ll get to wick n the 2 other survivors in due time, but for now he’s very eager to start his “mission”.

im generally okay with the letter (i have seen so many fights over this aha) cos there is no surprise he wants to kill ppl (ppl who r fighting over this point. did u even read his deductions?? guy happily killed his mentor??). but i didnt quite like the fact that he still looks up to jerry (although. i guess thats valid i just. dont like it). i was also initially kind of confused about the real reason why he would want to kill ppl since as u progress through the letter it sounds less like he kills for duty (cos of the whole dream thing at the start) but more “because i want to :)”, which is an okayish edgy kinda take imo. like not that u cant characterize aesop as Kill Kill Murder Die, but i kinda find that. pretty boring in the long term.

im just gonna put what my original take on aesop was, like all of it. first off, he hates jerry. u cannot tell me a psychotic serial killer like that can raise a child without emotional trauma. like any child, this isnt even counting the extra damage done because hes autistic. (n i also hc that aesop has read his moms letter to him at some point, n he should have come to the conclusion that it was somewhat also jerrys fault, whether through logic or denial that his mom would want to leave him, so that just adds to it.) but as much as he hates him, his teachings are the only ones hes been exposed to, n its been so ingrained in him since young so even if he hates jerry he would still subscribe to whatever twisted ideology jerry was feeding him, which ill get to in a sec.

going through his accessories, he has that origami that he folds for each of his clients, n it shows that underneath it all, aesop is still kind. this isnt expected of him n its definitely not part of his job scope as an embalmer. he (still?) has the heart to wish the best for those that have departed n takes the time n effort to fold one for each n every client he sends off, which is probably a lot. so going off on that, my hc is that jerry, being the manipulative asshole that he is (who probably definitely manipulated his mom into indirect suicide) probably used his kindness against him to make him believe that by murdering ppl he is helping them, framing all of his serial kills as a sort of mercy kill (like his mom). so the thing that aesop takes away from all this is the very twisted logic that by killing ppl he is helping them, therefore being a good embalmer and a good person in general. n everyone wants to be a sort of good person, or at least for aesop that is part of his job description to be a good embalmer. n we all know aesop is very serious about his job.

i also hc that he has killed several ppl between killing jerry n coming to the manor, cos i follow the story that he took the invitation from that poor lady n thats how he ended up at the manor. surely the lady didnt come to him right after jerry died?? but anyway, the way i see it is that he thought he liked to kill. like he finally truly understood why jerry kills so much (which is interesting now that i think about it. guy really just went along with all those murders without truly believing huh), because it felt good to kill. at least thats what he thought, the revelation that killing felt good n is good, but i say its because he hated jerry, n offing someone u kinda hate should probably feel pretty gucci. n its also so much easier to pick clients off the streets than in the manor, so i would think that he has killed ppl like his mentor did, but each time he did the great feeling that came with ending ppls life just. wasnt as good as the first time round. it just became a sort of normal satisfaction of a successful embalming.

this can go two ways: 1. he keeps on killing to try to find that great feeling again, which is cool i guess (n probably what canon would want, except canon states that he hasnt killed since jerry), but id like to go with 2. he just stops because jerry isnt around to enforce it whenever he isnt feeling up to psychoing someone to their death (which is probably how jerry got his victims, n damn if that doesnt take a lot of mind games that i dont think aesop has the mental capacity for since half of it is fighting with his social anxiety n other issues. dealing with alive strangers?? no thanks?? i doubt he would have learnt properly how to lure in clients as efficiently as jerry because of this, mostly cos he was only needed for the murder afterparty aka embalming n funerals). n as much as he stays professional, there is no. professional way of gaslighting someone to their death.

(n also since ppl have pointed out that his twitter replies n other kinda informal stuff have shown that aesop does have reverent respect for life, which also adds to him not being so blindly bloodthirsty as implied in the letter. i dont really see the twitter replies as very canon, but it does make sense that he would come to revere life with his unique take and obsession over death, for one cannot exist without the other)

so this leads me to the motive that aesop brings to the manor, at least how i see it. he isnt exactly coming to the manor to kill per se (like from the very early story, he came to the manor to return the letter to a relative of the deceased lady, something about respecting her last wishes. something like that, its really been a while since i saw that exerpt), so like killing ppl isnt his main purpose of visit. its more of hes always on the lookout for weaker (or at least those that take less mind games to kill) people to mercy kill, n it just so happens that he knows the manor n his mentor almost died from there, so theres a pretty good chance he can find some ppl that fall into this category n so it just so happens that he also has a job to do there. its still counted as a Job for him since no ones gonna tell him that embalmers dont actually. murder.

so in my version, aesop only tries to sway ppl that he knows he can convince, n these ppl would typically be those very sickly ones like his mom (andrew im looking at u) or those with an actual death wish/ very weak will to live. but here aesop is choosing his “first victim”, and the criteria for that is... quiet? never mind “not evading him” and “not cranky” being on the list too, but that isnt quite what i was expecting from someone so dedicated to their duty of murder. sure he wants an easy first kill, but like. i dont think its consistent if his motive was really to continue jerrys bastard legacy. especially when the next paragraph is essentially him gushing over victor, that... sort of implies something else. or at least in the way i see it, since i believe that canon wants us to think that aesop just really loves to kill.

aesop likes victor. very much so. so much till he wants to kill him. which i guess makes sense cos he likes death, n now he likes victor. so he just. puts the two things he likes together. whats better than victor? dead victor. anyway the rest of the letter is more like “whatever, i technically should kill the others too but my priority is victor” so like. he confuses his (dare i say) yandere tendencies with his duty since the end goal for both is a body in a coffin.

having said that. i know i have aesvic brainrot but i also know this is one sided as hell (at least from the letter alone, not counting the letter shaped cookies in his birthday art that apparently belonged to victors birthday cake aha) n lowkey alarming since. the goal is to kill victor. i kinda want to interpret it as him genuinely wanting to be friends with victor (really wanting him to be a “silent friend”, maybe cos he doesnt actually know how to be friends with living ppl n is better with dead ones? therefore victor should be dead to be friends?) but not knowing how to n throwing in his obsession with death ends up with. this minor disaster waiting to happen. but i uh. dont know if this is valid. its valid to me at least, with my original interpretation of aesop. n again cos of his ingrained professionalism, he also kinda sees this as part of his job to send ppl off, so its another plus. not for victor, tho.

idk if ill add this yandere side in my aesop. i mean my boi has technically tried to kill victor multiple times in the past HAHAHAHA. maybe like sometimes he can be a bit obsessive. as a treat. but generally nah cos thats definitely gonna end up in a murder somewhere somehow n i cant. just kill victors here on the ask blog scene lashjflkjhdlfkjhas

so yeah that kinda takes care of the last part of the letter, as for the first part. as much as aesop hates jerry, i would also think hes pretty starved for affirmation (like i said jerry isnt going to be a good parent figure ever) n i guess it makes sense if the only times jerry has ever complimented him was aiding him in his kills n hiding the evidence, which might (?) add to his desire to kill (but that probably dies with jerry aha). so the way i see it as aesop is getting affirmation n takes it as a good sign instead of. remotely liking jerry. idk if im stretching it a little but i really dont like the take where hes okay with jerry. anyway we are ignoring that he hasnt killed before entering the manor cos that doesnt quite make sense to me (i wasnt dreaming about the letter from a lady stabbed in the face 36 times or so right???? right???????)

im also not like. trying to defend him, im just trying to make sense of his diary. boi has issues n is a little too far gone (not as far as canon tho), in my take very deluded in his way of showing kindness. literally cool motive still murder (or in canon, just murder?), please get therapy. but i just dont really like the direction that the letter was originally trying to imply, with him really just hell bent on murder without like. a clear motive (at least to me it isnt very clear since the last part really doesnt sound consistent with his supposed intentions). i mean i love being edgy with aesop every now n then but i dont think it would make for meaningful characterizations in the long run so. ill still be sticking with my original take on aesop with maybe a bit of yandere for victor cos thats always fun

#unconcerned ramblings #mun rambles #its me the mun #im so sorry i talk so much. i was like Okay i should stop talking on my blog now. n then i didnt #i dont even know if this makes sense im still sleep deprived n tired as hell but i literally cant sleep cos this was bothering me so much #also cos i see a lot of ppl like. just nope the letter n somehow began to hate aesop after loving him as a character for so long. which is #interesting. cos this letter isnt exactly out of the blue. we been knew #just a few minor things that i disagree with. but generally i think it was an okay letter

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paracosm-and-dissociation · 3 years

Note

Greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you to much. May I please have a romantic matchup for southpark? If you do multiple maybe Friday night funkin, but don’t feel pressured. My pronouns are They/Them and I’m pansexual with a preference to masculinity. My Myers Briggs type is INFJ and Enneagram type is 4. My star sign is Taurus, moon sign is Gemini. Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m rather introverted, and can be considered not a people person. I’m into dressing in all black and taking a liking to gruesome and morbid things like slashers and murder documentaries. I also like to visit abandoned hospitals and houses just for fun, along with playing quite a few escape rooms. A friend of mine even likes to call me "discount vomitboyx". I’ve also been called "doomer boy kinnie", and "Remake of Daria" before. I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start conversing, which may or may not come off as rude to people. When I finally become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. Most of my humor comes off really insulting, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke if it becomes a problem. Lots of people don’t like me or stay away from me because of my rude behavior. I’m not good with overly sensitive or overly annoying people at all because of that, and I can’t stand kids. Idiocy can get on my nerves too sometimes. I’m a huge animal person though. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’ve been told I’m also a laidback person. I’m the type of person that has lots of opinions on things but I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and aggressive. Especially with the types mentioned above. I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, reading and or listening to music ( My Chemical Romance, Arch Enemy, MurderDolls, Slipknot, Get Scared, sometimes Will Wood, Jazmin Bean or Mother Mother, etc. ), or even occasionally gaming on my switch or reading and talk about Greek mythology. I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I’m guilty of being very submissive, and I suffer from asperger syndrome, insomnia, depression and anxiety. I have small tics, but they only flare when I’m stressed or mad. Along with stims where I bite the inside of my cheek, pull my hair, fidget with my fingers and tap my foot. I even hiss or squeal when I’m upset. I’ve also been developing a eating disorder. If you do get to this, thanks for your time. - coii

Sure one South Park matchup right up! sorry it took so long this was the first matchup i’ve ever done

SOUTH PARK :

i ship you with....

Craig Tucker! he isn’t all that much taller than you believe it or not

i feel Craig is an ambivert so he understands that you are an introvert and wont make you be social if you dont want to.

Craig doesn’t really care how you dress but he likes the color black.

You take a liking to morbid and gruesome things? Craig gets a little concerned but not alot (i headcanon he’s really chill) but he’s like 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘣𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴? 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵?

Craig will come with you to abandoned houses and hospitals but he doesn’t get why you like it so much.

When Craig finds out that you are intimidated by everyone he tries to make it so you only ever talk to a small group of like 1-3 maybe 4 sometimes. Craig doesn’t mind your

Craig tries to keep you away from people that are overly-sensitive or annoying since you don’t handle them well and he also can’t stand kids.

He can stand idiocy but since you cant he will try to tell them to f**k off.

Animal person? animal person. i headcanon that Craig also really likes animals but just hides it so you two probably have an animal or two around

When you become closed off Craig gives you your space and waits until you open up again

Craig is also laidback so yay laidback people

Craig doesnt like that you bottle up your opinions he thinks you should voice them and often tries to get you to

Craig usually doesn’t let get to the point where you become aggressive because he’s probably moved you too another place

if you’re drawing Craig will ask to see it when you’re done if you are okay with it.

Craig doesn’’t like reading that much but when you read he usually tries to keep it quiet around the house so that you can read in peace.

Craig lets you listen to your music on your own and usually finds his own thing to do sometimes he will listen to it with you if you want him to or its Get Scared

Craig definitely wants to play with you on your switch, if you dont want him too he’s okay with it though

Craig doesn’t know anything about Greek Mythology he knows like Zeus and that’s it

Craig doesn’t like plushies but won’t complain about them just tells you to keep them organized or something, finds it really cute when he sees you cuddled up to them tho

Like i showed earlier Craig wont make you be social if you dont want to with asperger

He will try to suggest different ways to help you fall asleep with insomnia (i usually watch satisfying videos to help with mine!)

He will get you therapist and will help you with your depression, no one wants their lover to have depression after all

Depending on how severe your anxiety can get if you are close to a panic attack he find you something to calm you or just makes you lay down if you can pass out from anxiety he will still make you lay down if it’s mild he just tries to get you to take your mind off things

Notices when your tics starts and tries to help

Biting the inside of your cheek is bad so Craig is always trying to get you to stop and also tries to stop you from pulling your hair out

He doesn’t mind your other stims and just lets it happen

Craig notices right away when you are developing an eating disorder and tries to help you, either it be eating too much or too little

I hope you like it! im not really good with these types of things

#south park #south park matchups #Craig Tucker x reader

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enthusiasticmusicalquotes · 4 years

Text

QUESTION OF THE DAY #6: Send me your most unpopular theatre opinion. Something that might make someone want to fight you. Please don’t be offensive (racist, misogynistic, etc.), but other than that…go as hard as you want. Spill all the tea.

MY ANSWERS: 1) The Pretty Woman score fucking slaps idek, 2) Come From Away (or even Bandstand...) should’ve won the 2017 Best Musical Tony, 3) I prefer the West End Heathers cast album to Off Broadway, 4) Shows shouldn’t sweep the Tonys just because they’re Best Musical worthy...shows that aren’t too critically acclaimed but have really impressive elements should get recognition too.

SUMMARY: Out of 37 responses: 5 were about Dear Evan Hansen, 3 were about Hamilton specifically, 2 were about: Rent, ALW, Wicked, In The Heights, Be More Chill, etc. etc....if your favorite musical is one of these and you get easily offended i wouldn’t read these.

NOTE: I agree with some of these, I highly disagree with others. I do not endorse any of the things that were said, I am simply sharing them with you all. These were what was sent to me. I’m going to number them so if you want to complain about or agree with one you can send me an ask with the number you’re referring to.

1. howmuchchildrens said: unpopular opinion: i really liked the 2012 version of les mis. i liked russel crowe as javert.

2. Anonymous said: Unpopular opinion: Bootlegs harm to local theatre communities, though I do not believe anyone intends for that to be the case. While it's possible to bootleg responsibly (and I might even say it's beneficial to do so), those who may not know the intricacies of theatrical copyright law or who haven't heard the horror stories from a theatre that's been hit with legal action DUE to a bootleg may record or watch a show irresponsibly, which can greatly harm other routes of theatre accessibility.

3. Anonymous said: Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals are mostly terrible. He only got and stayed popular because a lot of other musical creators and taste makers died in the AIDS epidemic

4. Anonymous said: Almost all musicals using the songs of one artist are cash grabs with no plot or point.

5. Anonymous said: If your musical only has 1 woman OR the women only get sad/romantic songs you need to do something else with your life.

6. nerdshrimp said: Unpopular opinion: Next To Normal does a better job of portraying the effects of mental illness than Dear Evan Hansen does. N2N also doesn't romanticise mental illness & excuse shitty behavior like DEH tries to

7. Anonymous said: Hadestown is a lesser show on Broadway. I fell in love with the live album, and I was so excited for it to come to Broadway. I was so disappointed to see the changes they made. Orpheus and Eurydice's relationship is less interesting and more generic. The changed lyrics are often sloppy and not as good as the original. They fucking wrecked Epic III. Also, no hate to R/ee/ve, but he's just not a good enough singer to convince me that he could soften the heart of Hades. His high notes are awful.

8. Anonymous said: opinion: we are the tigers deserves a broadway run or at least a proshot

9. bimystique said: e/c is NOT A GOOD FUCKING SHIP. the ENTIRE PLOT OF PHANTOM OF THE OPERA is christine trying to escape erik's abuse. WHAT FUCKING PART OF THAT IS ROMANTIC TO YOU PEOPLE.

10. Anonymous said: unpopular theatre opinion(s): Dear Evan Hansen is Very Bad for its handling of mental illness, Hamilton is overrated and praised too much, and high school/college musical theatre programs can be just as good as Broadway. (also, musical movies would be better if they hired broadway actors, but that's not an unpopular opinion)

11. Anonymous said: I don’t like Lin Manuel Miranda and Hamilton is overrated

12. Anonymous said: I don’t like dear Evan Hansen..... at all. I think it’s kind of boring and really overhyped.

13. Anonymous said: unpopular opinion: in the heights is far better than Hamilton. both are good but ith hits different yknow

14. Anonymous said: The bring it on and legally blonde musicals are BAD! The movies are 100 times better

15. Anonymous said: unpopular opinion? wicked is the epitome of white feminism. it's preached as super great for representation but we literally got the first black glinda in 2019?!?!?!? and before that woc could only play elphaba who's villainized and deemed evil by the whole city

16. Anonymous said: Not so much an opinion as a reaction, but of all Lin's works (ITH, Bring it On, 21 Chump Street, Hamilton), 21 Chump Street gets the biggest emotional reaction of all the cast recordings. The second Justin is like "I don't want your money" (And then later on with the "...what the heck did you.... dooooo", I am a complete goner. Worse than Abuela Claudia and Philip Hamilton's deaths combined

17. Anonymous said: Whenever Je.ssie Mu.eller hits certain notes, she sounds like Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.

18. Anonymous said: aotd6: not everyone knows what im talking about, but the cats 2016 broadway revival choreography was WAYYYY better than the original. the original had a lot of creepy uncomfortable moments and the new one looks way cleaner and up to date

19. Anonymous said: raoul is better than the phantom in every conceivable way

20. Anonymous said: I hate Anastasia so much. it's such a boring show and the music is uninteresting. I wanted to like it so bad but GOD is it boring.

21. Anonymous said: In the Heights.... Overrated.

22. Anonymous said: I do not know if this is an unpopular opinion or not, but here is my opinion: Musicals that are entirely or nearly entirely songs (Hamilton, Hadestown, In The Heights, etc) are the most valid bc I can understand the plot without using wikipedia (I'm looking at you, Jagged Little Pill, I love you but what is your plot????)

23. Anonymous said: I'd rather have a bad film adaptation than no film adaptation

24. Anonymous said: Rent sucks and while it was a stepping stone for more ""controversial"" topics to appear on Broadway it's actually biphobic and features several generally terrible people doing generally terrible things and doesn't actually address the real crisis at all; it's all performative wokeness. The only real good it did was cast a bunch of "nobodies" for the time and make theater somewhat more accessible.

25. stardust-and-seas said: Dear Evan Hansen doesn't properly address mental health despite being about mental health and resolves nobodies character arcs satisfactorily. It's another show that reaches its hands around the throats of marginalized teenagers saying "look I'm relatable!!" The songs taken out of context are significantly more powerful than when placed in the context of the show, which gives us exactly zero evidence of Evan's work to improve and also never resolves Evan's u healthy goals in the first place.

26. stardust-and-seas said: Be More Chill is a raging dumpster fire and the only decent song from it, Michael in the Bathroom, reads as a whiny rich white boy whose potential social anxiety and depression is left ambiguous, which is exactly what it is. When taken out of context it better exemplifies the othering that happens to marginalized groups but lets be real here: bullying/cliques don't happen to "just anyone"; it's the marginalized groups that are othered and abandoned for not being "normal"

27. stardust-and-seas said: There's a difference between shows that don't take themselves seriously because they're meant to be fun and light and shows that pretend not to take themselves too seriously but want to be taken seriously by the audience and the latter always ends up mediocre at best

28. redueka said: i think that dear evan hansen handles every issue it presents badly. i also think that beetlejuice was badly directed

29. Anonymous said: Well I don’t EVER condone cheating, I’m team Jamie in the last five years. He tried so hard to make their relationship and life good, and Cathy gave him nothing in return

30. youcanlolyoucansayohwell said: The answer of the day- I don't get the BMC hype. I'm out of the age bracket it's meant for that might it be. I enjoy it but I don't think it's the greatest thing in the world like some theatre fans do.

31. Anonymous said: i like the rent 2005 recording better than the obcr

32. Anonymous said: unpopular opinion ? : the music of wicked just like isn’t that good. like it’s good but it’s not like, Good, yknow. it’s pretty standard it doesn’t stand out to me. kinda boring

33. Anonymous said: mari.ah r.ose fa.ith is not a good regina george. everything she says sounds monotonous and while i understand she's trying to play off the ""whatever"" teenager (she does this a lot with her teenage characters), 90% of the time she sounds and looks like she doesn't want to be there; her voice is great but most songs feel unnatural and forced and she changes them too much. she's just not selling regina to me as a believable character (this is all from a technical point of view)

34. Anonymous said: Unpopular Opinion: as much as i like musicals based on movies (like waitress), i think not every movie needs to be a musical.

35. Anonymous said: Unpopular opinion (?) the emojiland musical Kinda Slaps

36. Anonymous said: as one of my high school tech theatre teachers once said: "Andrew Lloyd Webber is overrated"

37. Anonymous said: sorry to whoever likes it but Seussical is an absolutely nonsense crackpot plot disguised with okay-to-good music, like I don't even know where to start. I was in the show and didn't even know there was an entire secondary plot line featuring sending children to war until we were halfway through rehearsals

#qotd #not a quote #in some places i put dots in the name so it didn't show up in the tag by accident

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axther · 4 years

Note

Heyo, can I get a bnha matchup? I'm a bisexual ENTP, but am mistaken as an introvert often due to being bad at social interaction and liking alone time. I talk a lot with people I'm comfortable with though. Sometimes I joke in serious situations. I don't worry that much and am carefree, though I can get randomly anxious sometimes. I'm a bit bad with emotions, but I've been told I can cheer people up because I'm optimistic. I'm a deep thinker and have been told a lot I'm smart.

Fnkdaofdnskao i really took a hot second with this one tbh 🥴 but here u go!! Also, since there was no gender listed, i just went w they/them pronouns!! If u want smth different, then just hmu and i can change it!! Also, i am so sorry i made the second one as more of a scenario?? And it was...oof. yikes. Sorry. This has become my style. Scenarios disguised as matchups. Im a liar

AS OF 05/25/2020 IM A LIAR ITS OUT TONIGHTTTT

#1 is…Denki!

okokokokok SO

Y’all meet during a training exercise!

It’s something similar to USJ, except it’s across several different schools and classes

And y’all had to find a bunch of objects

So there’s a mixed bundle of people

It’s a sort of competition

And everyone is sweating bullets

And honestly??

You’re just vibin

And i mean this like, you don’t really seem concerned.

You’re just chilling while everyone’s fighting, trying to find the best solution.

Naturally, you’re worried, too

But you know that it’s kinda useless to try and talk over Monoma and Bakugou

Now

Denki’s staying pretty quiet, too.

While it looks like he’s just vibing, too, but honestly?

He’s crazy nervous

Because here are all these super talented heroes-to-be, he feels like he’s gonna be glossed over

So as everyone’s duking it out, the two of you are just kinda...hanging in there

Now the thing is

You guys are avoiding eye contact.

Not in the sense of ‘oh my god, you atrocity to man,’

But in the ‘two bros chilling in a hot tub’ way.

So as the entire thing is falling on its head

You look over and notice that he’s trying desperately to remain chill.

He’s kinda fiddling with himself

And you nudge him a bit

And as he turns to look at you, you may or may not be screaming ‘what the FUCK did I just do??????’ in your head

But when he faces you, you just give him a thumbs up

Like that

And he’s kinda at a loss

But he takes it, and gives you a smile and a big ol’ thumbs-up, too!!

There’s no interaction again, until he nudges you

“Do you think they’ll come up with something?”

You shrug.

“Considering that the only brain cell in my class went to the Class Rep, and it doesn’t look like these guys their class brain cell, I don’t think so.”

Denki pulls back a snort before wiping his smirk off his face.

“Do you think...we could try? On our own?”

“Maybe.” You shrug again. “You’re the shock quirk user, right?”

Denki is stunned

Did someone remember him?

Woah

From here on out consider him whipped

“Yeah! What’s your quirk?”

“Crystallian.”

You watch his face go through a journey of emotions before settling on muffled confusion.

“Warping, basic elemental magic.” You play with some of your hair. “It’s all tied to a crystal I keep at home. If it’s safe, I’m safe.”

Denki nods.

He hadn’t heard of quirks where they have a variety of unrelated uses

But he’s there for it!!

You two begin to make your own plan to succeed in the exercise

And once y’all look over and realise that the arguing isn’t going to change, thanks to Monoma egging Bakugou on

Y’all dip

And by that, I mean you warp him and yourself to the highest point in the building

Took one (1) look at the lights

Shared a glance

And y’all took out the power

Within about thirty minutes, y’all have all the goods!!

Most folks are still trying to get used to the lack of light

So when your group presents the stuff to the teachers, Aizawa is tired but takes it

And so you guys pass!!

You and Denki talk more after

And he finds out that you’re part of a special school for kids with special quirks

Which off the bat sounds really bad

But you meet folks that are like you

and you tell him that he’d probably fit right in.

He’s over the moon!!! For once!!

Someone that takes him seriously!!

Y’all exchange numbers and the entire class can’t begin to fathom that holy shit Denki Kaminari got a s/o before anyone else in the class

Throws them all for a loop

And meanwhile Denki’s thriving w hugs and cuddles

#2 is…Momo!

Momo is...complicated

She’s in a rich family with a strong quirk

She’s got more than enough pressure on her shoulders

Especially since she was in 1-A, so the entire literal country of Japan has their eyes on her

And all the while she’s doing her best to focus, focus, focus

She wanted one day where she could be like Mina, Ochako, Tooru, Jirou, Tsu…

Normal.

So she does it

One morning, while her parents are gone, and before anyone else is awake

She ties her hair up and places it into a gaudy blonde wig

(Which was a massive pain in the ass, but that was the price of freedom)

She dons sunglasses, an outfit that in any other case she would die being caught in

Leaves her phone on her bed

Tiptoes down the stairs

And leaves

The moment she’s past the gates of her house and out of view, she lets out an enormous sigh

She has no idea what she’s going to do

But her heart races a little, because that was the beauty of it!!

She finally had no rules, short of the law

So she waltzes down the road, the city wakes up, and as the first hour drips by, she notices a distinct wave of youth

They’re not doing much, just relaxing in cafes and alleys

and Momo wonders if anyone is planning to send truant police

but considering she’s doing the same exact thing, she’s not gonna call them out

But as she passes by an arcade, she notices a group

They’re a bit more subdued than most of the others, just watching one of their friends play a dancing game and fail horribly

But most notably, Momo sees you

You’re snorting at the lanky girl who’s tripping over her own feet, but at the same time, it looks like you’re cheering her on

Momo’s curious, of course, but she also doesn’t want to intrude

But then one of them, a boy, turns and waves her over

She jumps because oh my god and makes her way over

“Hey, did you want to play? Sorry that Tsukki was hogging the game.” The boy says, and you turn and glance at her.

At first, Momo’s wondering if she should really join in, but then she sees you, fully…

Ohnotheyrehot.jpg

Unfortunately, you seem a bit closed off because you start talking to the last member of the party

Momo brushes it off and nods quickly

because goddamnit that’s what she’s here for

being a normal teenager

So she starts playing Tsukki

And Momo wipes the floor with her

Tsukki takes it well, fortunately, but it sparks conversation

“Where’d you learn to play?” The boy, Seong-Jin, kept on asking

Momo wasn’t crazy comfortable telling the Korean transfer student that she had ballroom classes

But as she’s about to make an excuse

She sees Present Mic out of the corner of her eye

And immediately panics

But before she can tell the four that she needs to hide, you come in clutch

You notice her look of panic and take off your jacket

And you drape it over her and pull up the hoodie.

At that point, all you can see is the bottom half of her face

(seeing as she never took off her sunglasses)

And a tuft of blonde hair

Present Mic even pops by for a second to ask how the kids were doing, and he didn’t recognise Momo

So crisis averted

Almost immediately afterwards, the five bail from the arcade and ask Momo why she freaked out

But then you speak up

“She doesn’t have to tell us. But next time you might need to bail, feel free.”

You gave her a soft smile, and when I tell you Momo’s face lights up

You two stick together for the rest of the day

And Seong-Jin, Tsukki, and the last person, Keito, are here for it

Bit by bit, they start separating into groups

That is, the Momo/YN group and the Everyone Else group

Soon enough, the three disappear to do something while Tsukki is shouting

And you and momo decide to take a break by a cafe, on a wall with foliage hitting your back

and you guys are talking as the sun begins to set

You guys talk about everything and anything

And Momo confesses it was the most fun she had in years

The way you talk to her is almost methodical, with how you seemed to tip toe around any insinuations or trauma.

“I know I only met you today, but if you ever need a place to crash…”

You trail off, playing a bit with your hands, but more out of awkwardness than anxiety.

Momo’s heart swells.

She manages out a ‘thank you’ before hesitantly leaning on your shoulder

And you take a deeeepp breath in

But you don’t nudge her off

And slowly she begins to fall asleep, and her wig is tilted and her sunglasses are askew

but you glance at her out of the corner of your eyes and give a soft smile

(that was not the last time you two met, and five years later at the altar, she’s wearing the same damn wig)

#3 is...Kirishima!

PINING

This sounds really simple

But Kirishima would absolutely pine after you for 3.8 million years

Y’all went to the same middle school and you were friends

And he’s all over you

Sometime between the first and third year of middle school he just fell head over heels

And so he tags along with you the entire time

But after the Giant Figure incident, and he says he’s won’t go to U.A., you get lowkey pissed

You tell him that he’s worked so hard, he’s come so far, why give up now, he’s only fourteen for god’s sake.

But he doesn’t listen

And you two don’t talk after that

After he decides to go for it and not live a life of regrets, he’s doing his best to become someone he wants to be

But the biggest looming regret he had was the fallout with you

And it was a nasty fall out-parents stopped talking, kids took sides, teachers knew

You went to a completely different school than what he thought you were

And he was pretty sure that due to the fallout and the constant movement of time, you changed your number

So he knew it wasn’t going to be as easy as just saying ‘You were right, sorry.’

It starts consuming him

Half of U.A. knows that he’s thinking about something

But it comes to a head when he’s sparring against Bakugou

And all he’s really doing is blocking

And bakugou loses his shit

“Get your fucking head out of the clouds and focus!”

“Sorry, dude!”

“What the fuck has you acting so damn stupid?”

Kirishima tells Bakugou, who gets it, but doesn’t really try to help

“Just tell her.” He hisses

But Kirishima’s nervous

And by the end of the week, he’s gotten a flurry of suggestions

People are coming up to him left and right, telling him what to do

And he just gets overwhelmed

On Saturday, he locks himself in his room until Mina knocks

She comes in and they start talking about you

And she mentions that she has your number, and that it really would matter if Kirishima was the one to text first

“YN supported you, and then it got rubbed in the dirt, and then ignored again. You need to be the one to say it, honestly, otherwise it’ll mean nothing.”

So he gets to work

He spends the rest of saturday trying to write it all out his emotions

But eventually he gives on getting them all neat and tidy, and just lets them ooze out

Sunday morning he gets up early and types it all out, willing his hands not to shake too much

Mina and Bakugou are there with him, and though Mina keeps making jokes and Bakugou doesn’t offer much in way of help, they’re there to support him

So when he sends it and lets out a sigh, Bakugou pats him on the back

“And now, we wait.” Mina murmurs, watching the phone with wide eyes.

And watching

And three days pass before Kirishima gets any sort of response

He’s expecting to be chewed out, to get the text equivalent of a teary welcome back

Not fucking eight ball.

But he clicks on it

And he wins, surprisingly

There’s a moment between his win and your text where he doesn’t dare breathe, just stand still

Before you text back

So.

ur in ua huh

guess you did it after all.

Yeah.

Again, sorry. I didn’t think a lot of stuff through back then.

figures lmao

u free next week?

For you?

I always am.

#matchup #matchups #anon matchup #bnha x reader

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ais-n · 4 years

Note

2| and where is the trauma? both hsin and boyd were severely sexually abused. and emilio's illness is always treated as a joke. look Ais, your series has done me so much good between the bad it did. i found i'm gay lmao and i'm grateful for that. i'm grateful that you wrote this ok. but there are things that were offensive, and maybe it was unconscious, since i doubt you wanted to be racist or write a mlm relationship but more like hetero. i wish i could just enjoy the books but my heart breaks

3| idk what the one who questioned that could possibly mean between all the things but thats what i mean. i appreciate you a lot. i hope this didn’t make you feel worse or whatever. but some people really did end up hurt badly after reading icos and im one of them. with all respect, and hope that i didnt disturb you much, farewell.

++++++++++++

Aha I just realized I can put both 2nd and 3rd asks in one! Which is good because, again, the gay comment makes me laugh out loud XD As I said in the other post, thank you again for reaching out, for explaining your concerns, and for the courage you no doubt had to bring forth in order to do so.

I’m getting right into the answers in this one although I will probably ask more questions for clarification on some of the points, as I did on the first one, to make sure I’m not misunderstanding or misinterpreting anything.

More below the cut! :)

EMILIO’S ILLNESS

I’m really sorry but I wasn’t sure what you meant by that. Which illness? How is it treated as a joke? Could you clarify?

TRAUMA

So this I thought was super interesting that you felt there was no representation of trauma in ICoS, or I assume you also mean its aftereffects. That’s actually one of the few points I feel pretty confident saying the series does portray a lot of, both in some cases the experience of it and in other cases the repercussions.

One of the reasons both of them are so severely dysfunctional individually and together is because of trauma.

I don’t want to muddy up this post with a huge tangent but someone had asked a few years ago about the result of the Aleixo mission on Boyd, if he was diagnosed with anything, and so on. If you’re interested, I wrote a long ass reply about the psychological effect of sex trafficking on survivors/victims and talked about some of the things you see Boyd do that are a bit reflective of that. More info at https://aisness.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/boyd-aleixo-psychology/

I think there probably would be more information on all this by now, or at least I certainly hope there would be, but at the time of writing Fade that was the sort of research that was available.

Although, full disclosure, I don’t tend to write characters looking up the DSM symptoms for this or that; I write what feels right for them psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and oftentimes later look it up and realize they would have likely been diagnosed with this or that thing or they could be displaying traits of this or that.

At any rate, with Boyd, his trauma started early on, and pretty much everything about him is a reflection of that in some form. I don’t see trauma as specific to sexual assault; it’s most certainly a result of that but also of many other things. Boyd dealt with a lot of neglect and/or emotional abuse as a child, he was bullied by his peers, and generally speaking it was difficult for him to feel like he belonged anywhere. He was very often judged by others, often negatively, for things completely outside of his control, like his parents, their jobs, his home, the amount of money his family had, his looks, etc.

If you look at the Mayo Clinic’s list of child abuse, Boyd falls pretty well under emotional abuse and a bit under neglect, and you can especially see the toll that had on his personality by reading the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse in particular:

Loss of self-confidence or self-esteem

Social withdrawal or a loss of interest or enthusiasm

Depression

Avoidance of certain situations, such as refusing to go to school or ride the bus

Desperately seeks affection

And general symptoms:

Withdrawal from friends or usual activities

Depression, anxiety or unusual fears, or a sudden loss of self-confidence

An apparent lack of supervision

Self-harm or attempts at suicide

If you look at Complex PTSD, and in particular Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD) you can see a lot of Hsin:

Attachment – “problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others’ emotional states”

Behavioural control – “problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems”

Dissociation – “amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events”

I wouldn’t say Hsin dissociates quite that extensively but I feel like he does display some dissociative tendencies at times.

Boyd has some too, like

Self-concept – “fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self”.

I think in some ways you could argue they both display aspects of:

Affect or emotional regulation – “poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes”

When Boyd was little, he often wondered why other people were treated better than him - why, when he was getting perfect grades, he was going above and beyond whenever possible, when he was trying to be “a good boy” all the time, when he went out of his way to stay quiet and not bother anyone – why, despite all his attempts, other people were celebrate yet he was reviled, even if the people being celebrated were awful people doing awful things. He used to study other people relentlessly, trying to understand what it was about them that made them acceptable and what it was about him that made him not.

That’s why, despite being such an introvert, he’s good at blending in and going undercover; it’s why he can adjust to new situations and, in a way, act - because he always had to monitor and adjust himself his whole life just to feel seen and loved. His dad loved him on his own so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but with the trauma that came from the loss of his dad, and what happened with Lou, plus everything afterward, it really messed everything up.

Boyd was not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, but more of emotional abuse. Well, I guess, I should say for the most part he wasn’t.

Hsin was definitely a victim of childhood sexual abuse and probably physical abuse (that bit I can’t recall for sure). He was raped even as a small child, and that led into different aspects of his life. One reason, for example, he would go berserk and was seen by the Agency as unreliable in cases of him seeing sexual assault was because he saw, in some way, himself in those victims. It was probably his way of protecting people when he hadn’t been protected, himself.

I can’t speak too much on Hsin’s specific mental health status or repercussions because I didn’t write him so I’m not fully in his mind, but I do know that sort of berserker aspect is part of what came from his sexual abuse and physical abuse and just generally how he grew up. If I recall correctly, a lot of that led into why he was so unstable and dangerous when Emilio first found him; why it took so long to get Hsin to find a way to deal with the violence and aggression and anger in him, in addition to everything else that would have happened regardless of that childhood trauma. Why, too, it was such a huge deal when Boyd was able to earn Hsin’s trust, because he had learned in his life to trust almost no one.

You can see some of the way they both display aspects of C-PTSD as adults as well in the list at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder#Adults

I should be clear: I am NOT a psychiatrist or psychologist so I’m not suggesting that they would be specifically diagnosed with any of these disorders were they to get official diagnoses. However, the reason I bring it up is to show that a lot of the series reflects the way their coping mechanisms lead them to interact within themselves and with the outside world, all of which is often directly or indirectly tied to trauma.

Why is Boyd so terrified of anyone seeing him without his shirt in the beginning? Trauma. Why is he depressed? Trauma. Why is he suicidal? Trauma. Why does he go out of his way to avoid a certain block? Trauma. I would have to look at specific symptoms of different things but I would guess that you could also tie back some of his instability and his sometimes inconsistent reactions to trauma as well. Sometimes he does things or says things that may seem a bit reckless, or cold, or some other unexpected thing at that time - and a lot of times it’s probably in part related to how he learned to cope with things and what his levels of defensiveness are or his fears are at that moment. But he also has a complete inability to see the good in himself for a long time which also ties back, I would think, to some of the things he experienced growing up/previously.

Boyd is an incredibly unreliable narrator. He spends most of his narration thinking about how awful he is, how he should just die, how he isn’t doing a good enough job, and so forth. Yet, that fails to show the impact of some of his choices and decisions. Boyd was pretty much the first person to treat Hsin like a normal human being, to not see him as a surrogate of anything or anyone, to not have any ulterior motives or expectations of him (no matter how well-intentioned), and to truly gain his trust as a result. Yet, Boyd didn’t really see it that way. He didn’t see how important it was for Hsin that he ended up in his life; he didn’t get why Hsin was exasperated the times Boyd said he (Boyd) should just die, that there was no value to his life. He didn’t believe he could be loved so he couldn’t see it was even a possibility at first. Therefore, he spends a lot of his narration over the series belittling himself and downplaying any of his own achievements while simultaneously rewarding or acknowledging what others around him are doing. Not every moment of his narration, of course, but his default state of self is to think he sucks and others are probably better.

Conversely, Hsin is a confident narrator. He often doesn’t doubt himself, doesn’t care what other people think, and is very sure of himself in a lot of aspects like his physical prowess which, itself, is already above and beyond nearly everyone else. Yet he also learned not to trust or rely on anyone else in his life, so he’s incredibly suspicious of others because that’s how he had to learn to be. So, especially in the beginning of the series, in his narration he tends to be very factual about his own achievements and not shy away from acknowledging the things that are powerful about him (even if he doesn’t always see it as anything that special), while simultaneously seeking out anything untrustworthy, unreliable, incompetent, or unworthy about those around him. His narration tends to point out the flaws of those around him because he learned that if he doesn’t protect himself, he’s vulnerable, and when he’s vulnerable he gets hurt.

The result of that is, if you read their narrations straight as if it’s all perfectly reliable, Boyd seems even more unreliable and Hsin seems even more perfect than they actually are, because their default states of being overlap in a manner which magnifies the flaws in Boyd and the merits in Hsin.

Both of them learned to be how they were because of how they were raised, what they went through, and more. Same as how they react to various things throughout the series.

I can’t more specifically comment on anything without knowing what in particular you were thinking of when commenting in the ask about trauma and sexual abuse. But I think generally speaking, they already start the series having learned coping mechanisms that work for them based on trauma they already individually experienced. Those coping mechanisms end up oftentimes being challenged and at times destroyed or reworked throughout the course of the series. That is what leads to a lot of their ups and downs as individuals and as a couple; why their story isn’t a straight arc going up but instead derails a lot. And why they both spend the entirety of the series coming to terms with who they are both internally and externally, and what that means for their relationship, and how they can find a way to grow as a person and a significant other. They both ultimately have to work on trust; Boyd has to learn to trust himself, Hsin has to learn to trust others, and they have to learn to trust each other.

The way people deal with trauma is not the same for everyone. Sexual abuse doesn’t result in the same reaction for all people. I’m not sure if maybe one of the things you were thinking is maybe about sexual abuse during the series itself? I already linked something that goes more in depth on Fade so I won’t touch on that book, and I really can’t speak for Hsin because he isn’t my character so I don’t want to misrepresent his thought process as hidden behind narration or actions at different points.

The only other thing I can think of that maybe you’re thinking about is Boyd’s valentine status, and how he doesn’t seem to have overtly strong reactions to anything until Fade. If that’s one aspect of what you were thinking about, part of that is just how Boyd deals with things. He tends to avoid things that are difficult for him or he has difficulty focusing on, and oftentimes shuts down emotionally.

I think honestly he probably dissociated to some extent during a lot of things; kind of separated his body from his mind and felt like whatever happened, happened. For a lot of the time that he was a valentine early on, he had such little love for himself that regardless of how upsetting anything was, how little he wanted to do certain things, he felt on some level like he deserved it. Some things were probably a subconscious form of self-punishment for being born, for being who he is, for surviving when Lou didn’t, for surviving when his dad didn’t, for never being enough for his mother, for just plain existing. Then as time went on he grew to rely on Hsin and find strength in him. It’s also not like every mission he had was a valentine one, or even that every valentine has to end in anything physical.

That’s why he was able to find ways of dealing with things in some form, even if he didn’t like it or was uncomfortable at times, until the Aleixo mission. He thought he knew how to handle things; he thought he had found apt coping mechanisms. But that mission tore that all apart and nearly destroyed him. His coping mechanisms didn’t work the way they had and now he had to find a new way to survive, and from there came a lot of his instability and more that you see in Fade and as I mention in that blog post.

But in short, I feel like the majority of the series ends up touching, indirectly or directly, on some form of trauma as experienced currently or in the past by one or more of the main characters, and their resulting actions then drive the plot. That is one thing we were very specific about doing: having the plot adjust to the characters rather than force the characters to adjust to the plot. That’s why Afterimage exists, actually; the original plan was sort of like 3/4 of Evenfall and then kind of jumping into aspects of Fade. But we realized at the end of Evenfall that certain things would occur which would then lead to Afterimage and Afterimage then led into aspects of Interludes, which then led into aspects of right before Fade, which then affected a huge part of Fade itself, which then informed 1/27. We didn’t set out to write a series specifically about trauma, it’s just sort of one of those things that happens if you take two characters who have been treated so cruelly or poorly for so much of their lives, and put them together as any sort of team - but especially a team that becomes a couple, and a couple that becomes all but married.

+ +

Regarding the other stuff, I haven’t had a chance yet to check if you answered my question about the hetero relationship comment, so I can’t comment on that until I know more of what you mean. But I would say that generally speaking, I don’t know that I believe it’s necessarily fair to label anything as strictly “hetero” vs “m/m” vs anything else for a relationship. That brings with it a lot of assumptions of what it means to be not only gay or LGBTQIA+, but also straight. It seems to suggest there is only a single way or a very strict set of ways for a cis male and a cis female to be together both in a relationship and to have sex, and I guess I don’t feel like that’s necessarily reflective of reality. People are very complex and so are their relationships, as well as their sex lives.

I’m not sure how specifically the series ended up hurting you but I’m very sorry you felt hurt by anything. That’s a terrible feeling to have to experience. I hope that in whatever way, however it may work best for you, you have the time and space to reflect and recover and rejuvenate. You, like everyone, deserve it.

And honestly, if that means you have to leave the series completely in your past, never to think about it again, if that’s what’s healthiest for you, I truly wish you are able to do so. Stories are there to connect with other people, to share our thoughts and sometimes help us work our way through our own while reading. No story is worth your mental health being put in question. If it is truly upsetting to you to think about the series, it is absolutely not worth your energy. You are more important than a story will ever be. Everyone is. And I say that despite how much I love and rely on stories to get me through life.

If part of your duress is you like aspects of the writing style but the series itself and its contents upset you, you could try reading some other stuff. I have some things I wrote solo that you can find on my AO3 if you want. But also you can find other writers entirely. Depending on what you’re looking for in a story, and the sort of topics you’ve learned work well for you or don’t work well for you, you should be able to find a ton of great series out there and great authors out there who will leave you with the happier aspects of your reaction to ICoS without anything more detrimental like it sounds happened for you with ICoS.

Regardless, I truly wish you the very best. As I said in the other one, please stay healthy and safe! And, if you’re in a place to manage it, stay happy as well :)

Brightest of blessings to you and yours, my friend!

#ask ais #icos #in the company of shadows #Anonymous

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purelafemme · 4 years

Text

Mid 2020 reflections

The older I grow, the more important I realize it is to extend myself grace, and to practice patience. All the pieces of my life will come together. This pandemic has taught me to be still.

A few days ago I woke up in a grumpy mood. Over the last few months, some days will go by and I will feel fine. Others, not too hot. Recently, I decided to practice a tip from one of the former therapists. I took the time to “check in” with myself and pinpoint all the reasons I was feeling so out of tune.

A big reason for this “out-of-tuneness” is coming from my job. I don’t feel as connected and engaged to my work, as I would imagine it would be if we were in the office. Its difficult for me to focus and relax in my room. All my life I have struggled with performance anxiety, which has become heightened due to my experience in the AEA program. Teleworking has blurred the lines between my home life and my work life, making it difficult for my brain to separate the two. Also, I feel cramped and restricted due to the lack of independence and freedom I am experiencing living in my parents house. I miss my freedom and independence of living in my own apartment. I’m going to stay here until January to try and save more money (at least $8,000). Just like I felt with Morgan back in fall of 2017, I can feel that I have outgrown living in my parents house and living in Baltimore. It’s time for a new beginning and a fresh start. I don’t want the pandemic to prevent me from pushing back my plans further, or allow it to cause time to get away from me. It’s important that I take this step towards moving out for me.

A second reason propelling my dismay comes from a realization that I had realized over the past weekend. I have a strong tendency to over give in a lot of the relationships I have. I went out of my way to plan something to do with my estranged friendship group from middle school, and I am not too pleased with how it went. In Boston, I didn’t have many friends nor did I engage in many social activities. One of the reasons I wanted to return back to this area is so I could hang out with my friends and resume social activities again. Earlier this summer, I started putting a lot of energy into hanging out and doing things with and for my friends. But after these two-three years of me being away, I’ve realized that some of my friend groups/dynamics are not the same. Honestly, I feel like a big part of the reason why I started hanging out a lot with my friends is because since my love life is not going the way that I want it to, I want to keep people around me a lot to avoid feeling lonely, to mask the loneliness. But I want to shed those feelings and really take the time to get into myself. One of the reasons I delayed grad school was because I really wanted to take space for myself to develop myself (Develop myself spiritually, mentally--develop my fashion, my interests, my personality, knowledge). This has made me realize that I want and need to feel more comfortable being alone, which is another reason why I think living alone would be good for my personal growth. Additionally, even though things didn't work out the way I intended them to with my partner earlier this Spring, that situation has finally taught me, after 24 years of age (8 years of dating), how I deserve to be treated and what qualities I want in a partner. Given this, I think I need to now branch out and truly get comfortable with being alone. Over the last couple of years, I have struggled with being alone and I realized that I will go run to go hang out with people to avoid that feeling, or I will spend my time being alone and wishing I laid up with a nigga. I want to truly embrace the idea of just truly being alone, and being happy and content.

Sometimes I experience a weird sadness about me not following through with my previous academic plans, which causes me to feel like im a funk. I went to research conference today where my peers who have continued with their academic plans were present, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge bit of sad that I didn't continue mine. This month would have been the month I would be starting my PhD program if everything had went as planned. Although I realized this was not right for me, I am still kind of bummed in a weird way about it. I worked exceedingly hard and invested a lot of time and energy into this goal, and now that things haven't gone as planned and I have seemingly abandoned my PhD dreams, I feel a weird sense of sadness about it. I may be still interested in research, but honestly, I am not sure. From doing the AEA program twice, witnessing the AEA Climate Survey, surviving the Harvard program, and reading Claudia’s blog post, I feel kind an overwhelming sense of jadedness by this whole thing-- and now I cannot seem to make up my mind about an exact alternative career path or graduate degree. All I know is that I would really like to have a concrete plan once this job is over, because I am not getting any younger and I want to have security when it comes to my career goals by the time I approach my mid thirties.

Now that I have just written a list of reasons why I am in a funk because I am not where I wanna be, I want to take just as much time to reflect on all the reasons why I am proud of myself. I am very proud of myself for landing my current job opportunity. It took me over six months of applying to land my current position, and there was several times over the course of those months where I was bogged down with anxiety and self-doubt crept it! Literally the day I got the offer, I was laying in bed CRYING because it was April and my program was going to end in May and I hadn't secured a reasonable opportunity yet. My God is good, and he for sure came right on time. Of course, there are some days where my performance anxiety at work is on high, but really in those moments need to take a step back and praise him for granting me the opportunity to get a job in my field, with a nice salary, with nice people and meaningful, clear growth opportunities. I am so grateful, and I need to acknowledge this more as well as congratulate myself for this. Even though things didn’t go as planned with the whole PhD thing, I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be in my life, and that is a beautiful thing. I am proud of where I am, and I know this opportunity will give me the tools to make the best career decision for me moving forward. I am claiming it now. Honestly, this is my first time since I graduated undergrad where I feel like I can breathe.

I am also proud of myself for giving myself the space to develop ME for ME. There is so much other parts of life and myself that I want to explore, and now that I am no longer suffocated by the pressures of academia, I am excited to dive in ! I recently hired a trainer, and started my own business! Being in grad school is a huge educational investment that comes at a cost. The stress of that program didn't leave time for me to dedicate to other parts of my life, which I realized I did not like. My twenties are my formative years. So yeah, it does suck to have invested so much time in doing all those things to be a perfect PhD applicant and then to not even apply to PhD programs lol, but I am soo proud of myself for listening to my gut, taking a step out on faith and choosing a different direction! It wasn't an easy decision at first, but I am excited about where this side business will take me, and I am happy that this will be a chance for me to explore my artistic side more! I have always had this side to myself, but never fully dived into it because of the lack of time and resources. So I am proud of using this space and time to unlock a new side of myself. I also think there will be a lot of personal growth opportunities that will come from being a small business owner, which I have confidence I can tackle and that it will make me more mature, and help develop sounder financial practices ! :)

I am super proud of myself for taking charge of my health!!! My weight is something I have always struggled with since elementary school. I was never particularly fat, but I was never as skinny as people like my sister and my cousins. From a young age, I internalized a sense of being uncomfortable with my body, which has followed me into adulthood. However it wasn't until the later half of high school when I started to develop some health problems as a result of my poor diet and lifestyle habits. My period has been irregular since 2012-2013, which I am sure was triggered by the anxiety I faced from switching schools, eating predominantly restaurant food from working at Charlestown, and having a poor sleeping schedule. After four years or random, scattered periods, I got diagnosed with PCOS in 2016. In 2017 I turned 21. I started drinking alcohol a lot more, causing me that fall to weigh in at my biggest size ever--over 180 pounds. Since the middle of high school, my weight had always been in the 160-170s range. That spring, I was able to get serious about diet and exercise and shed some pounds due to my leave from school. However, over the past two years in the Harvard program, I have not been able to manage my weight properly, causing me to explode to the biggest size I have ever been--195.. And im not sure what’s going on with my hormone production now, but I know my gut is a hot mess. (This spring I just got diagnosed with IBS.) Since the pandemic started, I have tried to work out consistently and eat a balanced diet. However over the last five months I have not seen many changes in my body which has been disappointing. This week on impulse, I made the decision to hire a trainer-- this is going to be the first step towards making some serious lifestyle changes for me and I am excited to get into the best physical shape I have ever been in! Regardless of the number on the scale, I really want to do this for the improvement of my overall health. I want to develop a healthier relationship with food (stop binge eating/seeking food as comfort) and I also want to train myself to not only eat out of boredom, or because food is available. I know developing this habits will help me develop more discipline! Also, I think our bodies as humans are capable of so much, and I really want to treat my body good so I can get the best use out of it ! I want to learn how to swim, I want to build endurance and start running, I want to be able to sustain my own body weight, and become proficient at aerial yoga! Also, sometime in the future I want to have kids and before this happens I want to already be in shape and be in the position to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Being a mother is one of my biggest aspirations in my life ! I am hoping that this change to my lifestyle will support better hormonal health and regulate my menstrual cycle, which would actually help me get pregnant easier in the future. I am also tired of having all these stomach problems (indigestion, acid reflux, constipation, etc)--clearly something inside of me is inflamed and thats why I am having these issues. Overall, I am very proud of myself in taking these actions and I am excited to see how my body will look, how I will feel, and in what ways I can grow mentally and financially with my business !

One last reason why I am proud of myself is because I have been making small strides to become more money conscious. However, I know I can definitely improve in this area over the next couple of months, and it is important that I tackle this since I have my first real job, (plus a side business) and I want to live on my own. I have always struggled with managing my personal finances, so I am excited to learn tips and develop practices that will help me be smarter with my money. This is also very important to me because one day I would like to have a family, and I want to be able to provide for them. So it is important that I take the steps now to ensure that I am living below my means, and that I can set myself up to be financially comfortable and not cash strapped.

I was inspired to write this post because I woke up one day in a sour mood about my current circumstances and the fact that I am seemingly not where I want to be and I felt down about it. But then I woke up the next day and realized how much I really had to be grateful for, and how proud I am of myself for all that I have accomplished throughout my life even with various obstacles I have encountered. God truly has favored me. Even through this crisis, God has found ways to bless me and I have taken actions to better myself. For that I am super thankful for. There are people that have lost their life and their livelihoods in 2020, but for some reason God still choose me to protect, and to take me to the next level. So I want to take this time to publicly thank him for all that he has done on the inside! Instead of focusing on the all the areas of my life that I am not too satisfied with, I vow to constantly cultivate a heart, mind and spirit full of gratitude and praise.

Other short term goals I want to accomplish

- Join a church home/integrate other practices into my life to develop my relationship with him in addition to keeping the prayer journal (reading the bible, starting a gratitude book)

- Take better care of my hair: be more consistent with protective styles, trims, and deep conditioning!

- Read more books (I have watched too much TV this year lol) I especially want to read more books written by Black women and the experience of Black women!

-Try new hobbies (in addition to swimming, I want to go horseback riding, etc)

#2020reflections personalgrowth blessings

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gotatext · 5 years

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hello, it’s swamp witch nora again…. i couldn’t stay away.... hitting u with a tiny baby boy who is also terrible (sometimes). musical softboi who loves karl marx and hates children dying in cobalt mines to make smart phones. as is tradition, here’s the pinterest board, have a peruse. fyi sorry for those of u who have read this intro a thousand times i literally.... can never b bothred to change it n i think thats really sexy of me x

CHARLIE PLUMMER / DEMI-BOY — don’t look now, but is that rory bergström i see? the 23 year old music student is in their junior year and he is a rochester alum. i hear they can be whimsical, impassioned, self-indulgent and nitpicky, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he / they will make a name for themselves living in griffin street. ( nora. 24. gmt. she/her. )

aesthetics.

bed hair from a permanent state of slumber, calloused fingertips from strumming bass into the early hours and djing into the blacklit night, self-help books thumbed once and thrown beneath your bed, battered copies of choose your own adventure books, spliffs passed half-arsed across rooftops while light pollution obscures low-hanging stars, marxist literature in stacks against your bedroom walls, a burner phone twice-shattered and a stash of replacement sim cards.

tw ocd, anxiety, drugs

half-swedish, half-british. the swedish is on his mother’s side. he’s bilingual but thinks in english. only really speaks swedish around his mother. only child, and kinda put a lot of pressure on himself to be the perfect kid when he was young, but his parents are honestly, quite decent? and just want him to have a nice life, they don’t care if he isn’t successful or rich or anything, they’re honestly rather solid. (wow imagine having nice parents, a first for all my characters, im literally this meme)

grew up in peckham, a suburb of london. growing up, his mum was a model / actress / waitress who later retrained as a speech therapist and his dad worked in her majesty’s service at buckingham palace. his dad wasn’t allowed to tell his family what his job entailed but rory suspects it’s probably very boring and just involves a lot of…. logistics n security.

was bullied a lot at school. [cole sprouse voice] he didn’t fit in and he didn’t want to fit in. unironically wore a trenchcoat to school every day of his life. spent most of his lunchtimes in the library because it was his safe space. as a result he knows…. loads of useless information because 30% of his school years were spent reading anthologies on space and the vikings etc. would be good on a game show. obsessively recorded every episode of university challenge as a child.

middle-class and lowkey quite wealthy but rarely talks about money, one of those well-off people who still wears really old shitty shoes and only spends money if they absolutely have to

virgin who can’t drive

into star wars, not into the big bang theory. feminist. can’t watch horror movies

favourite film is where the wild things are. also loves the florida project. thinks kids are the sweetest thing and can’t wait to be a dad to some

has been musical for as long as they can remember. first picked up guitar because he thought it would make this girl esther who he was in love with like him, but he just ended up falling in love with music instead.

formulated several different bands as a kid but ultimately had to give it up cos he was quite controlling and got fixated on making a certain sound so it wasn’t really fun for the others. got into electronic music because it was something he could do basically on his own and keep tweaking until he got it perfect

always drumming their fingers or strumming invisible guitar strings. tends to avoid parties bc he has quite has specific tastes when it comes to music and doesn’t like listening to r&b for eight hours while people throw up into plastic cups.

a techno connoisseur. has been making electronic music since he was about twelve.

after his parents divorce, when he was fourteen, rory & his mother moved to run-down suburban neighbourhood, pittsfield, massachussets.

big into photography. he mostly uses a canon 35mm camera, but occasionally uses disposable ones when he wants that more rustic feel.

moving to the states, their photography became more focused on suburban neighborhoods and are often quite dark and cinematic (think gregory crewsden). here are some shots of pittsfield i really like which rory has on his wall [1] [2] [3]

falls in love 12 times a day. never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. gets sweaty when someone cute looks at him. flirting?? what?? would prefer to idealise them from a distance

gender??? hm. rory don’t really know where they fit yet, sometimes he feels like a guy and sometimes they dont feel like anything at all!! slippin out of his physical form into the spirit realm! isn’t really bothered, cos they think it’s a social construct anyway. uses he/they pronouns interchangeably, but currently feels like ‘he’ is more fitting. won’t necessarily pull anyone up on it cos he knows having an identity that’s constantly…. in flux.. can be annoying for others … and doesn’t want to be a burden even tho it isn’t at all?? rory internalises guilt

everything is socially constructed. mirrors let you move through time. the whole thing’s a metaphor. he thinks he’s got free will but really he’s trapped in a maze. in a system. all he can do is consume. people think it’s a happy game. it’s not a happy game — it’s a fucking nightmare world, and the worst thing is, it’s real and we live in it!!!!

has ocd. tries to let it affect his life as little as possible, but obviously it’s incredibly hard to control a compulsive disorder. was teased for it at school when other kids started to notice. he was obsessed with the number five, would wash his hands five times, count stairs i groups of five, he could only use the corridors in one direction and always had to keep his hands busy. it manifests itself in hyper-fixations (trains when he was a child – specifically steam engines – then later he became obsessed with space and the patterns of constellations, and now he’s obsessed with synthesizers) and repetitive behaviours like counting stairs. doesn’t really affect his social life at all, he can jst get a bit locked-on n hyper-focused sometimes.

has insomnia. barely ever sleeps. finds it hard to switch off from work / writing / gaming / whatever’s preoccupying him in that moment. he’s always awake at 5am and quite often sleeps in through classes but still gets really good grades because he’s very good at his course. rarely attends classes. prefers to work independently. doesn’t really trust his tutors are intelligent enough to be teaching him, and is particularly suspicious of the lockwood tutors. a music snob tbh

occasionally deals weed n pills when strapped for cash, but only 2 ppl he knows, and on a very small scale grass-roots level!! (so its ok???) rollerskates around campus dealing cos they dnt have a car. we love to see it

aesthetics: bed hair from a permanent state of slumber, calloused fingertips from strumming bass into the early hours and drumming into blacklit night, self-help books thumbed once and thrown beneath your bed, watching vine compilations until your eyes turn square, battered copies of choose your own adventure books, spliffs passed half-arsed across rooftops while light pollution obscures low-hanging stars

likes: techno, the webpage cats on synthesizers in space, allen ginsberg, vintage gramophones, floating points, lcd soundsystem, marijuana, soft dogs that let you pet them, late-night strolls talking about the universe, independent films, cigarettes, herbal tea, gallows humour, long showers, brown eyes, tchaikovsky, dr. seuss, constellations, photography, late night jazz, vintage game boys and girls who could rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and use it as an ashtray. dislikes: weddings, funerals, formality, button-up shirts that people actually button-up, bananas, hot coffee, social media, people who watch and play sports, rap music – especially of the misogynistic variety, indie wankers in wire-framed glasses that play ed sheeran songs at open mic nights.

plot ! with ! me ! i’d say all the usual “exes fwb hookups spiel” but rory… has never hooked up with anyone… i feel like a deer in the headlights of love……. so give me

study buddies,

people who are also into techno and are music snobs about it,

people who love all kinds of music,

people who are in bands that maybe rory’s recorded and produced stuff for,

people he actually jams with (he plays bass and synth),

unrequited crushes!!

actually i think rory had sex w delilah in the last version of this rp so if u want a hook up plot its possible just unlikely. they’d hav 2 be the driving force i reckon cos rory doesn’t really act on impulses like desire or anythin.... jst bottles that shit up !!! but yea we could do a spicy hook up plot maybs, depending on the person

someone they met at a knitting club in freshman year and have remained friends with despite no longer going to it

people rory knows from open mic nights and gigs

library girlfriends / boyfriends that he stares at longingly while paging through leatherbound volumes

gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!

people he deals weed to on his rollerskates (why r all my characters obsessed with rollerskates)

skaters. rory is really shit at skateboarding. like really shit. help the smol

#tw drugs #tw ocd #tw anxiety #HUNTINGTONINTRO

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luvsavos · 5 years

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HEADCANON: Shang Tsung and mental disorders

before we start off with this, i want to say this is partly (mostly) based in projection, and of course nobody has to accept my headcanons, these are just my own personal opinions that i hope you all enjoy !

now, onto the headcanons themselves:

ive looked into shang as a character, and looked at what canon information we have of him, and although he doesn't ever show it in the games, i personally headcanon that he has depression, anxiety, and paranoia.

yes, yes, i know, very very basic and incredibly bland and common headcanons sounding like a 13 year old sob story, but hear me out;

i myself have depression and anxiety. i sound edgy by admitting it, but its true, but this isnt about me, really. people can hide things like that if they have to, i myself do it a lot, and so if anything shang could be just disguising it all, or he could easily also have a superiority complex.

now i suppose i should supply my evidence for these headcanons, right?

well, going based on human biology and psychology, humans aren't meant to naturally live beyond, say, 110 years old. so living to be over ten thousand years old? that's probably going to inevitably do some damage to mental health. sounds stupid, i know, but he's only human, and humans are somewhat weak in comparison to other species. they die easy, live for a very short time and are primarily emotionally driven. living for so long, the brain would naturally "forget" things from the very distant past, such as specific locations from childhood, possibly what people from his childhood looked like, names of people, perhaps even family members, ect. these memories would then be triggered by specific events or smells, sounds, tastes, ect. you get the idea.

now that would probably fuck with a human, that would unsettle and bother a human that they can't remember such basic facts about the past, and it would (probably) make them. sad?

but mar, you're probably saying, he's an all powerful, all knowing sorcerer who shows no remorse or regret in the games and seems to be well aware of everything in his past!

i know that. but i'm trying to talk in a more logically speaking sense, since sometimes the mk games sort of,,,lack that? in the writing.

shang has always struck me as someone who cares about family, so (hypothetically) not being able to remember much, if anything, about them would really bother him.

another thing that could play into the depression is the extended lifespan. humans are, usually, communal creatures, we pack herd with each other, and we personify nonhuman things and get genuinely attached to them (like the mars rover, curiosity). which really sets us apart and makes us pretty unique in terms of other species.

so the long lifespan. that in mind, shang has witnessed countless people die around him, he's outlived every single person around that doesn't have a similar long lifespan. meaning that any friends he may have had once, he outlived. meaning that to protect himself from that natural pain from the attatchment and loss of those he is attached to, he would have to severely distance himself from nearly every other being there is, sure he might have conversations, but never any companionships. that would only cause pain.

and being so isolated like that, even if self imposed, would provide cause some troubles. some longings, sadness and emptiness. now im not a professional by any means on mental disorders, but i believe that total social isolation can lead to depression.

the anxiety and paranoia could actually couple and go hand in hand; being an ancient and all powerful, evil sorcerer, shang has, most obviously, made a lot of enemies on the way.

again, im perfectly aware he doesnt show any of this in the games. but i don't care because that's what headcanons, aus, personal interpretations and of the likes are for.

again, let me point out he is human. im sure there's been plenty of assassination attempts on him, which im sure would rightly put any human into some type of constant fear. but shao kahn may also play a role in this, as he seems to sometimes have mood swings or outbursts that are rather violent. im not sure if there's any canon details about these outbursts, but i assume they end badly for all around shao. this including shang. now i have my own personal headcanons about his dynamic with shao kahn, but im not gonna cover that in this post but might make a separate post on it if anyone is curious.

the assassination attempts combined with frequent violent outbursts from the emperor, combined with shang being only a human, as ive probably said a million times now, would more than likely leave him quite anxious and paranoid. of course, anxiety can always be caused by other things and sometimes it just seems to happen, but i'm tired right now so i'm not digging up more reasons why he could have it.

in hindsight, this all probably doesn't make any sense at all, and i have a hunch people won't really like these headcanons, but that's okay, because everyone has their own personal opinions. i guess i just feel like the games didn't give him enough human flaws and didn't highlight the fact that he is, in fact, only human, well enough, but that's just me. so, cheers, i hope you guys like this headcanon. if anyone wants me to write out my thoughts on more headcanons i have for him, i might.

#mar.txt #mortal kombat #shang tsung #my personal headcanons #okay to rb #character headcanons: shang tsung #i know this probably wont get any notes and i probably typed it all for nothing but oh well #shao kahn #long post

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secretly-a-plant · 5 years

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PRB 2019 15-1

Here is my contribution to the @phandomreversebang 2019! I had a lot of fun writing this fic and I would like to thank @loyal-phan and @sublimehowlter for being an amazing artist and beta!

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19930063

The first thing that I register after hitting the damp pavement is that someone is frantically apologizing to me. When I open my eyes I see a tall dark-haired, blue-eyed man offering me a hand. I take it. His hands are smooth and warm, and I realize that I might have been holding on a second longer than acceptable.

“Oh god, I am so sorry!” I’m startled out of my embarrassment by another wave of hurried apologies.

“I was just walking Simon,” at that, I look down to a very adorable corgi sitting obediently at the man's feet “and I wasn’t paying attention and next thing I know-” “Can I pet your dog?”

“Can you-? Um, yeah. Sure”

I bend down and start scratching the dog, evidently named Simon, behind his ears.

“What a good boy you are! What a sweet boy.” I hear the man laughing and quickly stand up my cheeks bright red.

“Sorry,” I mumble

“No, it’s alright! I act the same way whenever I see a dog. I should be the one apologizing, your clothes are all wet now.”

“It’s alright, I was on my way home from work anyway.”

“Are you sure? I feel terrible about it.”

‘No really it’s fine, uh,” I break off not sure what his name is.

“Phil.” He supplies with a smile.

“It’s alright Phil.”

“Well, if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. It was nice running into you, Phil.”

“Yeah, nice seeing you.”

---

By the time I get home my legs are starting to chafe from the wet denim. It’s alright though, the cute dog more than made up for it. It’s a good thing it happened on my way home from work, however. It would have been hell waiting tables all day with wet jeans. And as kind as my boss is, she never goes easy on us. Especially on Sundays, which just so happens to be our busiest day.

After a delicious yet slightly pathetic dinner of cold pizza, thoughts of Phil and his dog invade my brain. Out of curiosity I pull out my phone and type Phil into the Instagram search bar. Of course, millions of results pop up. I didn’t have high hopes, but there was a small part of me holding on to the hope that I might be able to find his account using only his first name.

After my fruitless Instagram search, I find myself drifting towards my bed, despite it only being around 9:45. Oh well, long day I guess. Surprisingly, since it normally takes me ages to fall asleep, I find my eyes drifting shut the minute I hit the mattress.

---

I wake up early, for once, which means I actually have time to enjoy my morning rather than throwing on yesterday’s clothes and quite literally running out the door. I take my time getting out of bed, stopping to look at my phone and take time to wake up. When I finally reach my small kitchen (which didn’t take very long considering how small my flat is) I realize that I have no coffee. I let out a disgruntled sigh as I come to terms with the fact that if I want caffeine, which I do, that I’ll have to head to work early putting my lazy morning to a halt. I grab my keys and head out.

I take my time walking to work, choosing to take the scenic route. Rather than the normal path I take, which has a superb view of trash cans and shady alleyways, today's route is lined with shops and restaurants and a Starbucks. The prospect of going and getting a latte of some sort seems much more appealing than getting a black coffee in a chipped mug. The minute I walk in I’m hit with a wave of warm air. A pleasant contrast to the icy weather outside. I start to head up to the counter, but I stop in my tracks when I come face to face with a pair of familiar blue eyes.

“Dan!” Phil says with a smile on his face. “What a coincidence!”

I find a smile growing on my face, what can I say? Something about his unwavering happiness is infectious.

“Oh, hi Phil!”

“Can I get you a coffee? I mean obviously, I’m assuming that's why you're here.”

“Uh-” I don’t come here very often, and the combination of my awkwardness in social situations and my lack of familiarity with the menu has me tripping over my words. “Surprise me? Just something with caffeine please.”

“You got it,” Phil responds with a chuckle. I start to pull out my wallet but he cuts me off. “Don’t worry about it, this one’s on the house.”

“It’s fine Phil, really.”

“No seriously, it’s the least I can do after running you over yesterday.”

“Well if you insist. I’ve never been one to turn down free coffee.” I say with a small laugh.

Phil smiles, before motioning over at the station. “Well if that’s all, I’m just going to go make your coffee.” He awkwardly gestures before walking away. I pull out my phone, scrolling through my Instagram feed while I wait for my coffee. After a few minutes, I see Phil walking back over with a cup in his hand. He hands it to me and looks up expectantly, waiting for me to take a sip.

“Jesus Phil, this is incredible! What is this?” He laughs

“Caramel Macchiato. My personal favorite.”

“Well if your choice in drinks is always this good you're going to have to surprise me again next time.” My phone buzzes with an alarm reminding me that I have obligations.

“Oh shit, I have to go, hopefully, I’ll run into you again soon.”

“Yeah, see you soon.”

It’s not until I’m almost at work that I notice a phone number messily scrawled onto the side of my cup.

---

I spend the majority of my break writing and deleting texts to Phil. He’s cute, there's no denying that, and he gave me his number, but it was probably just a friendly gesture. He seems like the type of person who makes friends with everyone. After many texts that I decide are either cringy, boring, or a combination of the two I settled on a simple but reliable ‘Hi its dan :)” and force myself to press send. I spend the last few minutes of my break opening and closing my phone and jumping every time my phone dings. In order to keep the anxiety at bay, I keep reminding myself that he’s at work; it makes sense if he doesn’t respond. Just because I’m on my break doesn’t mean he’s on his. Eventually, I have to go back to work, leaving my phone and a supposedly unread text in the pocket of my jacket.

All throughout the rest of my shift, my walk home, and while making and eating dinner, I try and fail, to forget about my text to Phil. Finally, after I’ve eaten and sunk into my bed for some quality binge-watching time, my phone buzzes. As I reach over, it buzzes again. And then a third time. I laugh to myself as I open my messages to see three texts from Phil.

Hi!!! soz I took so long to reply ^-^

have a dog to make up for it

what a good boy!

Is that simon????

yes! Im surprised you remembered his name lol

hes the reason i knocked you down yesterday

well if hes the reason i really cant complain

in fact i feel blessed to have been knocked down by that angel

maybe youd want to meet him again? maybe this time without ending up on the ground lol

I hesitate what to say to that, it feels risky meeting up with Phil. Even if he seems friendly, I did only meet him yesterday. But I also don’t want to pass up the opportunity to get to know him better.

um yes?

Yay! do you want to meet up tomorrow? Im off of work

yee

starbucks?

sure, me and simon cant wait :)

We end up texting for a while after that. Originally we were just arranging a time to meet, but it slowly turned into Phil asking me about my job, which led to many other things. The more I talked to Phil the more I liked him. We had very similar interests. We had the same taste in video games, music, and even takeaway places. Not to mention talking to Phil felt easy. Social interaction isn't exactly my forte, but with Phil, the conversation flowed smoothly. It would be nice to have a friend outside of work. I love my coworkers and my boss, but it’s not really the same. Besides, the diner is more a family to me than anything. Finally, the conversation winds down, both of us beginning to fall asleep. Even though I’m no longer texting him, I can’t stop thinking about Phil as I fall asleep.

---

The next day is sunny. A welcome change from the perpetual moistness that has haunted London for the last few days. I spend most of the morning laying in bed scrolling through social media. Not the healthiest past time I’ll admit, but once I get started on the Instagram explore page it’s hard to tear myself away. Eventually, I look at the time and realize that I only have about an hour before I’m supposed to meet Phil. After five more minutes, I drag myself out of bed and towards the shower.

Several outfit changes later, Starbucks is finally within my line of vision. I check the time to see that I still have a few minutes before Phil is due to get here so I take a seat on a bench and resume my scrolling. Not long after I sit down, however, I am attacked by a bundle of saliva and tan fur, accompanied by frantic calls of “Simon down!”.

“Hello there!” I say bringing my hands up to try and protect myself from the onslaught of dog.

“I’m so sorry about him, normally he’s so well behaved, I don’t know why he always jumps on you.”

“It’s really not a problem, Phil,” I say laughing.

“Well if you insist I guess. Do you want a coffee or anything while we're here?”

“I’m fine, I don’t want to keep you and Simon waiting.”

“Oh, well if you don’t mind I thought you could stay out here with Simon and I could go in and order.”

“I mean I’m always up for hanging out with dogs, but I really can’t have you buying me another coffee.”

“Seriously Dan, it’s fine. Think of it as a gift from Simon. Besides, I have an employee discount.”

I shrug, smiling. I take Simon’s leash from Phil and sit back down.

“Oh, Dan, what do you want?” I find myself breaking into a giant grin, enough to make my dimples pop.

“Surprise me.”

---

Two sugary coffees later and more walking then I do on a normal day, Phil and I are tossing tennis balls at a dog park.

“This is one of my favourite places to go with him,” Phil says, gesturing at Simon. “It’s a nice change of pace to be outside rather than stuck on a pavement block all day.”

“Mm. What else do you like to do in your spare time?”

“Uh, well, to be honest, I don’t really go outside that much. I pretty much spend the rest of my time staying inside on the internet.”

“Me neither to be honest, I spend most of my free time participating in online Mario Kart tournaments, as sad as that seems.”

“You play Mario Kart? We should race sometime.” “Only if you want to lose, Philip.”

“Oh really? Pretty confident for never having seen me play.”

“While I guess we’ll have to change that.”

“It’s a date. Well I mean, not a date date, unless you wanted to. But I mean, I don’t want to presume-”

“Phil, Phil, don’t worry, a date sounds nice. Although, to be honest, I’ve never been asked on a Mario Kart date before. But it does sound much more my style than a fancy dinner. “

“Me too, I’m not much of an extrovert. Oh shit, it’s getting dark. I should probably head home, but I’ll text you yeah?”

“Yeah sounds great. And Phil?”

“Yeah?” “I definitely prefer your company to video games.”

---

It takes a couple of weeks to find a date that works for both of us, first because of work, and then Phil got sick, and then I got sick. But, on the bright side, we spend almost all of that time texting and face timing, and occasionally I run into him at Starbucks when I’m grabbing a coffee. Unfortunately, my minimum wage and tips don’t cover daily overpriced coffee, even if it means I get to see a very nice, attractive, person.

On the bright side, we did eventually find a time. That time happens to be tonight, and to say I’m nervous would be an understatement. I end up spending about 45 minutes sorting through every article of clothing that I own before finally settling on jeans and a jumper, an outfit that is safe but far from extraordinary. After getting dressed I spend longer than necessary trying to get my hair to cooperate. Eventually, I just give up and call a cab. One extremely awkward cab ride later and I’m standing outside Phil’s door. I take a deep breath and raise my hand but before I get a chance to knock the door swings open.

“Dan! Hi! Come in, I’m sorry about the mess, I tried to clean but it's still pretty untidy.” I look down at my feet to see Simon wagging his tail excitedly. “It’s alright, my apartment is probably twice as bad.” As I walk into Phil’s flat and take my shoes off I notice that every surface is covered in something. The bookshelves are covered in plushies and figurines, the windowsills are adorned with plants in a questionable state of health, and the couch has a colourful blue and green quilt draped over the back. All in all, it just looks very Phil.

“If you want you can have a seat on the couch and I can order a pizza. What type do you like?” I’m startled out of my thoughts by Phil’s voice. I smile, feeling more content with my life then I have in a long time.

“Surprise me.”

~10 years later~

“The last ten years haven’t been easy. There’s been ups and downs, fortunately mostly ups. But you have been by my side for all of it. People and places have changed but you have remained a constant. I don’t know what life will bring, but I know I want you to be with me. I want to fall asleep next to you every night and wake up next to you every morning. So, Phil Lester, will you marry me?”

#prb19 #prb2019 #phanfiction #phandom #daniel howell #phil lester #Dan and Phil #phan

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