d9betsorg

[aidenwaites]

Anyway. Post walk ice cream snack :)

[clumsyclifford]

prompt: alex says goodnight to the horses and when he gets back inside jack has tea waiting for him made perfectly

you know i really didnt think i would write this tonight but then i did

ao3 link!

-

It’s getting chilly out, but damn it, that is not going to stop Alex. His horses are his best friends. They deserve goodnight wishes as much as anyone else. Sometimes he likes them more than his actual best friends, if only because they won’t ever tell him to stop talking about the possibility of life on another planet or eat the last Oreo but put the empty package back in the tour bus cabinet because they thought it’d be a funny prank. (Rian.) 

Horses aren’t super chatty, sure, but at least they’re not assholes.

“Hey, gorgeous,” he says, smiling as he walks up to the stables, where he can see Theo and Beaux. Their eyes are still open but they’ll be asleep soon. They’re like old people in that way; always asleep before nine o’clock, these guys. “Hi, beautiful. Hi, you guys. Hey.” 

They say nothing, predictably, so Alex walks first up to Beaux. “Goodnight, honey,” he says, tenderly kissing the bridge of his nose. He doesn’t smell great. Maybe tomorrow they should wash the horses. Or maybe on Monday. Alex isn’t sure he’ll feel like doing it tomorrow, though he knows it has to be done regardless. “Sleep well. Dream of carrots. Dream of…of winning a horse race. Not that I’d ever make you race. I’m not a monster.”

Beaux doesn’t answer, just snuffles loudly. Alex laughs. “I wouldn’t! I swear. Anyway, you wouldn’t last a minute in a real horse race, you lazy fucker.” He pats Beaux’s nose affectionately, strokes it once more. “Alright. Goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning.”

A few steps leads him to Theo’s stable, where Theo has been watching him patiently until Alex reaches him. “Hey,” Alex says softly. “You look tired, man. Long day? Hey, why the long face?” He chuckles to himself. “That’s not even a funny joke. I think I’m getting old, Theo. I’m way too much of a dad for someone without kids.” Although he’s not really childless, is he? He’s got all these animals to take care of, and surely that’s the same thing. Or at least similar. Someone’s got to have done a psychological study on the effects of having pets instead of kids. They can’t be that different. After all, Alex is here tucking them in. That’s pretty fatherly.

Theo nudges at Alex shoulder. “Okay, shit,” Alex says, smiling. “I’m getting to it.” He pauses for effect. “Goodnight, Theo.” Rubbing a hand affectionately over Theo’s nose, he adds, “Dream of beating Beaux in a horse race.”

Theo also snuffles. Maybe, Alex muses, it’s the horse way of saying goodnight. Though they kind of do it all the time, so maybe not. Alex should look into that. After he looks into the whole pets-as-kids thing. His to-Google list is growing by the minute. 

His hands are also getting cold, so he quickly kisses Theo’s nose and pats his cheek. “Sleep well. Sweet dreams. Love you both. See you in the morning.” And he backs away, rubbing his palms together.

The farm might look eerie at night to a stranger, but to Alex it’s familiar enough not to scare him anymore. Now it feels almost like a summer camp, and Alex feels like a rogue camper out of bed past quiet hours. The world is his oyster. Maybe one night they ought to take some blankets out and stargaze. Glancing up, Alex can see a smattering of stars overhead, and for a moment he’s distracted and slows to a stop just to stare.

The stars are so beautiful out here. The sky is so pretty. Alex dedicates a lot of brainpower towards thinking about the galaxy — probably more than is healthy — but when he’d been living in L.A. it had always been something of a distant train of thought, because there’s so much light pollution in L.A. that the stars are more fantasy than reality.

Here, though, in rural Maryland, a fair distance away from civilization, the stars overhead had been what had sealed the deal for Alex, when they’d been thinking about whether or not they ought to buy a farm. And now, head tilted far back to gaze up into the sky, Alex thinks they made the right choice.

Fuck, it’s pretty out here. The universe is capable of creating such lovely things.

When it’s been long enough, Alex shakes himself out of his reverie. The cold is seeping into his skin everywhere it’s exposed to air, and his hands are starting to feel more like ice blocks attached to the ends of his arms. He tucks them under his armpits and continues his trek to the house.

“Back,” he calls out as he enters through the front door. It’s nice and warm inside, but Alex’s hands are still really fucking cold, so he puts them back under his arms as he nudges the door shut with his hip.

“How did it go? Have they said goodnight back yet?”

“Not yet,” Alex says, following the voice to the kitchen, “but any day now. I can feel it.” He pauses. “Whatcha doin’?”

Jack looks up at him, but he doesn’t stop stirring the mug. “Making tea,” he says. “What’s it look like?”

Alex blinks. “Making tea?”

“Yeah,” Jack says. “For you.”

“For me?”

“Well, I don’t like tea,” Jack says, which is patently untrue, but whatever. “Yeah. It’s kinda cold out, and you always make yourself tea after you get back from saying goodnight to the horses, so I thought I’d kinda, you know, cut out the middleman or — whatever, the point is I made your tea for you so you wouldn’t have to.”

Alex steps towards Jack, who pushes the mug across the island towards him. There’s steam rising off the top, and the color looks right, but honestly Alex hadn’t realized Jack ever paid attention when Alex made tea. “What…is in this?”

Jack raises his eyebrows. “Cocaine and dog food. What the fuck do you think, it’s tea. Milk and sugar. How you like it.”

Alex feels a fond smile cross his face. “This is so cute,” he says, reaching for the tea and wrapping his hands around the mug. It’s too hot and he has to pull his hands away after a couple seconds, but he can’t stop smiling. “You made my tea.”

“Yeah,” Jack says. He looks pleased. “Well, I hope I didn’t fuck it up. You should probably try it before you tell me it’s cute.”

“I didn’t say it was good, I said it was cute,” Alex says. “Which it is.” He abandons the tea for a moment in favor of approaching Jack, who’s cozy in an orange hoodie and black sweats, hair mussed up from the day. Still, in his dressed-down state, Alex has never seen anything more beautiful than Jack.

He brings his hands up to press against Jack’s cheeks. Jack jerks. “Fuck, your hands are freezing!”

“It’s cold outside,” Alex says, smiling still. He doesn’t move his hands away and Jack doesn’t make any effort to. “I love you.”

“It’s just tea,” Jack says quietly.

Alex kisses him. Jack’s lips are warm on Alex’s cold ones, but it’s nice — almost like Jack can reset Alex’s internal temperature, like the very act of their being together is enough to achieve perfect equilibrium. Kissing Jack might not be a cure-all, but it absolutely is a cure-most, and Alex cashes in whenever he can possibly find a reason to, and frequently even when he can’t.

And Jack’s made Alex’s tea. Jack has made himself a part of one of Alex’s favorite nighttime rituals. Alex is so in love he doesn’t have the words.

“Thank you for the tea,” he whispers, stealing one more kiss before stepping away and picking up the mug. Jack has a silly smile on his face that he’s trying his best to hide. Alex waits a moment, blows away the steam over the mug, then lifts it to his lips and takes a careful sip.

It tastes just right, and somehow Alex is both surprised and not. Sure, Jack keeps him company every evening while he puts together his nightly tea, but Alex never expected Jack to be paying attention. It’s just tea, like Jack had said. Not the kind of detail boyfriends are necessarily supposed to remember about each other.

On the other hand, though, Alex is the luckiest man alive to have Jack, and Jack is constantly surprising him. And Jack is much better at proving his love than saying it, so of course he remembers how Alex takes his tea. Of course he would make it.

“I poisoned it, by the way,” Jack says, just as Alex swallows. 

Alex laughs. “Well, it’s not affecting the taste at all. It tastes amazing.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, Jack. Literally perfect. You got it exactly right. This might be the best cup of tea I’ve ever had.”

“Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

It is the best cup of tea Alex has ever had, actually. Not because it tastes good �� sure, it tastes good, but after a certain point a good cup of tea is just a good cup of tea — but because Jack had made it. Obviously that’s too cheesy to say, so Alex just thinks it really hard, figuring Jack will probably get it anyway from his face.

Jack slides in his socks over to Alex’s side and wraps his arms around Alex’s waist. His chin digs into Alex’s shoulder. “Lemme taste.”

Alex sighs, grins. He lifts the mug up, trying to glance down to see where Jack’s mouth kind of is, and when he’s pretty sure it’s in the right place he carefully tilts it. Against all odds, nothing spills. Jack takes a sip, and Alex brings the mug close to his chest again.

“It’s actually pretty good,” says Jack. “Maybe I should have made myself a cup too.”

“You can share mine.”

Jack hums. He squeezes Alex’s middle, pressing himself flush against Alex’s back, even closer than he’d been. “That’s okay. I’m good right here.”

“Don’t wanna sit down or something?”

“Can’t hug you if we’re sitting.”

“That is true,” Alex concedes. “But I can look at you, which I would love to do.”

Jack scoffs. “I’m nothing to look at, babe. I’m literally in sweats.”

Nobody in the world has ever made sweats look as good as Jack does, is the thing. “I know,” Alex says. “But I just like looking at you. Don’t call me cheesy. I already know you’re going to, so stop it.”

“That’s just cheesy as fuck,” Jack says anyway, kissing Alex’s cheek. “You’re gonna get cheese in your tea.”

“That’s so gross, can you imagine tea with cheese?”

“I bet that’s a thing. In Asia or something. They make some weird shit over there.”

Alex chuckles. “Maybe.” He sets the mug down on the island and turns around in Jack’s arms, and Jack doesn’t protests, though he also doesn’t move his arms away, and they remain encircling Alex’s waist, linked behind his back. Alex brushes his palms over Jack’s shoulders, smoothing the fabric of his hoodie, and curls his fingers around Jack’s neck, which is warm like the rest of him. “You’re a good-looking guy, you know that?”

“I do know that,” Jack says, smiling so so softly. He doesn’t smile like that for just anyone, Alex knows; it’s a special Jack smile, only for Alex. “You’re a pretty handsome boy yourself.”

Alex kisses him again, just for the hell of it. Because he can. Because he’s got Jack in his arms, prettier than any other fucking thing; because Jack’s his boyfriend and that means Alex gets to kiss him whenever; because he loves Jack, is in love with Jack, and sometimes kissing him is the only way to adequately communicate that. 

They show love in different ways. Alex says it aloud, traces it into Jack’s skin, brands him with touches and kisses to remind him.

Jack makes Alex tea.

“Love you,” he murmurs again, though he’s already said it. Jack could call him on it, but instead he does that rare Jack smile again.

“Love you more,” he breathes, before capturing Alex’s mouth with his own.

The universe truly is capable of creating such lovely things. And if a sky full of stars is a home run, then Jack Barakat is a grand fucking slam. 

[moonlightdreamzz]

Mark

Dating Lee Donghyuk ♡

Genuinely the most playful boy in the whole universe.

But that’s exactly why you fell for him so easily, and so quick.

Being in Korea, you had been struggling to find someone who didn’t seem to be getting at you just for the color of your skin. There was always an odd undertone when men subtly touched you. A wrong feeling.

But the minute you and Haechan met, you felt it; the spark.

He wasn’t leaving weird touches onto your back, or trying to move his hand lower and lower to get what he really wanted all along.

His eyes simply burned into yours, both a dark chocolate color, and the two of you talked for way more than you should’ve.

“You’re really beautiful. I know I probably shouldn’t be saying that...but you are.”

“Why shouldn’t you be saying that? Don’t tell me you have a girlfriend?”

It wouldn’t be the first time.

“No no!” He brushed quickly. “It’s just...I’m famous. I’m an idol. I assumed either you didn’t know or you were doing a really good job of ignoring it based on how calm you were.”

“Oh...oh wow.”

But that didn’t stop you from giving him your number, or him from taking it.

They say when you meet your soulmate, you know. Haechan had seen plenty of attractive people and ignored them, so if you were the one he finally opened his mouth to, didnt that mean something?

The rest truly is history.

In the majority of situations, the two of you don’t even have to speak in order to know what’s wrong with the other.

It’s the way your lips spiral downward when you’re upset; your eyebrows slanting just a bit that lets him know you need him.

And it’s the way he all of a sudden turns quiet, mute, stares at you lovingly until you turn around to see if the hair on your arm standing up is because of his silent looks, and him distancing himself that you know he needs you.

The first thing I mentioned was that Haechan is very playful, and he truly is.

Even childish sometimes.

But it never annoys you and maybe that’s because you love him so much.

But it makes you the happiest.

He’s always tickling you.

And kisses? A thousand a day. He mentally counts them to make sure he doesn’t miss any.

You told him once that his kisses could legit turn your worse day into the best day ever, and he took your words very seriously.

“So if I start, and end your day with kisses doesn’t that mean everyday is the best day ever?”

Unlike Mark, he knows he sees your skin color.

And he also has come to conclusion that it does give him a sense of pride.

He feels more beautiful on the inside and out when you’re by his side, and your culture makes him incredibly happy and he loves to see you so in love with yourself.

If there’s ever a day where you don’t feel that way, he will quickly correct it.

He loves to have little English lessons with you just because he gets kisses everytime he says something right.

Speaking of kisses he buys you an abundance of lip gloss because he’s obsessed with the taste.

I probably will say this in all of these, but they all want you to know how beautiful you are.

The two of you will have to have some conversations though.

Being from Korea, there are some things Haechan will be ignorant to.

Like, he knows the N word shouldn’t be coming out of his mouth ever.

But other things. Like certain word choice to describe culture things.

His friend choice might even piss you off a little depending on who they are.

But I truly believe that when Haechan loves someone, he’s not the type to ignore their words. He’ll take everything very seriously and won’t just push it away just because he doesn’t understand at first.

“I know you didn’t do it intentionally, but it hurt me.”

You watched him intently, looking for any signs that things were about to go south as you two found a secluded room at the party.

You wanted to rip the bandaid off, prepared for the worst. Prepared for him to dismiss you as crazy. You knew this whole relationship seemed too good to be true.

He took a deep breath, eyes breeding into yours. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

You didn’t know why you were crying. Well, you did. It was over dramatic, but you didn’t expect it.

“I never want to disrespect your culture, or hurt you. I love you, Y/N.” That was the first time he ever said it, “and I would literally die for you. If I ever step out of line ever, let me know. I won’t do it again.”

His hugs are like...too bomb.

When you get off of work, he’ll be waiting on the other side of the door like a puppy, knowing you need his physical therapy.

He gives the type of hugs where you can literally feel his love for you radiating off him. The way he squeezes you literally can calm you down; his arms locked around your waist firmly.

The two of you can sit there for what feels like hours, just swaying from side to side.

Haechan also says I love you a lot.

It actually will become his scapegoat for arguments too.

When that fire is in your eyes, and there’s nothing else he can do, the phrase always just comes out.

“I love you, Y/N. I don’t want to fight.”

The two of you always end up on your bed, him repeating the same words, but all over your body instead. He means it so much. He loves you so much.

He also may or may not like to do this in the dorms as well just so the other members can know he’s the luckiest man in the world, and how in love the two of you are.

If the members are around, he won’t let you out of his sight. It just can’t happen.

“I can handle myself.”

“You’re too fine to be walking around this dog house by yourself. I don’t want them to look ag you.” He wined.

The two of you bicker a lot, but not in an unhealthy way? If that makes sense?

It’s the reasoning that makes it normal.

Sometimes his job gets in the way, and you always have to say something about it.

“I just want them to give you a break.”

“I know. But we need to be grateful that we’re even allowed to be together.”

“I am grateful, Haechan. But that doesn’t mean I like it when you come in here once a week; on a good week, barely able to keep your eyes open.” Your voice started to waiver, a clear indication that your tone was about to raise.

“What, so you’re mad that I’m tired now?”

“I didn’t say that! If I had a problem I would be sitting in the couch pouting, not getting in bed with you and rubbing your back so you can fall asleep quicker!”

“Okay! So what’s the issue!”

“Never mind.” You shooed, knowing this wasn’t going to go anywhere, but he grabbed you.

“Don’t walk away from me.” The sentence alone sounded aggressive, but his tone was the complete opposite. It was soft, gentle. “I’m not letting you go to bed mad. Baby, I know you get worried. And I also know that you hate how much you don’t get to see me, but I promise that we can get through it. We can’t do anything about it, so we have to get through it, right?”

“Yeah.”

He knows you aren’t settled, but all he could do is use his actions to let you know he meant everything he said.

Haechan is usually goofy, always smiling, but there are days where he doesn’t want to be that person.

And it makes him incredibly happy that you love him even when there isn’t a smile on his face.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You’d always ask, pressing a soft peck to his cheek.

“No. Just need you.” He’d smile sadly, puckering his lips for more love.

Loves to dance with you.

There’s always some form of music blasting through your house, followed by the two of you in the kitchen pretending you’re in dancing with the stars.

The two of you are definitely that couple that doesn’t seem like a couple until you see them kiss for the first time and you’re like ????????.

But neither of you care becuase you are in your own world, and no one can come in between that.

Haechan wants forever with you, and he’s going to make sure you know every damn day.

Pure definition of young love, but not dumb love.

[sasukebarmitzvah]

watching every naruto opening and discussing my opinions because im bored liveblog

original

took me a little while to warm up to it idk why maybe because its not as up tempo and its a shonen and i want to get hype but i love it now. love the part where the camera pans around team 7 fighting randos they are babies… also its so funny when sasuke holds out his hand to naruto to help him out of the lake and he jsut fist bumps him. gay boy

Haruka fucking kanata baby!!!!!!!! a fav. like we all know this. i listen to the song just regularly a lot and every time it comes on shuffle im like Oh my god its haruka kanata. read the english translation of the lyrics… sns

this one got stuck in my head for a while lol. i like seeing everyone babie and i like naruto shaking his head at the end to dry off like a dog

DDMnanannaddnnaaaaa naaaaaaaaa nda aaWE ARE FIGHTING DEAMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OOLI OLI OLIOOOOoohh!!!!! very fun very good also a very good time in the show, hello tsunade

**edgy shonen opening where theres something important in front of a chain link fence**

lol skipping 6-9 bc thats the huge chunk of filler which i didnt actually watch most of

shippuden

heros come back is SO GOOD absolutely one of my favs. banger first of all. i love how its actually choreographed and naruto sakura kakashi are like moving to the beat and i love the part where the animation is like pencil sketchy and theyre running and their bodies warp bro its just cool. the part where everyone dramatically reaches for gaara is fun, also love deidaras moment. anyway i shake my ass to this song eveyrday

distance oh god oh fuck. YOU ARE MY FRIEND!!! the sasuke and naruto stuff where they are little baby at the beginning at the end we return to the same place theyre there and like about to stab each other i’m going to scream. i lvoe the song of course. hello sai! i love team 7s little spotlight moments where they get to pose to the music its so cute. why is sasuke snake jesus? DO you remember that long lost DREAM!!!!!!!!!!

BLUE BIRD YA BANGER ok the whole symbolism. when naruto falling next to sasuke rising is positioned like yin and yang lol. when naruto is falling from the sky but then sasuke comes to mind and he springs into action lol. ok random people from the fillers i dont care about. naruto fell in the lake he picks up the bird feather interspersed with a couple shots of sasuke horgh. additional reading: paper bag by fiona apple

closer is one of the ones where im like eh its ok its not my favorite and then it gets to the chorus and my dumb ass is jsut screaming YOU KNOW THE CLOSER YOU GET TO SMETHING THE TOUGHTER IT IS TO REACHIT. the funniest part where narutos moping and thinking of sasuke and then he just perks up and smiles at the camera like. gay boy. like getting to see the asuma fight scenes in this op, also it was so funny seeing him get all the screentime in this op knowing hes about to die like yeah very subtle

SHA LA LA!!!! LOVE IT i love it i love it soooo much first of all banger second of all naruto looking into the water and his reflection is sasuke. lollllll. metaphor m-e-t-a-p-h-o-r the little prechorus bit in the middle gives me chills. love sasuke walking into the purple pool like a smug motherfucker thats my boy. at the end zooming into sasukes pupil zoom out it’s narutos eye oh the poetry..

signs another one of the ones where im like eh whatever its fine but not my fav but by the chorus i am standing on the table freaking out. like fuck jiraiya but this one got me a lil. the lighting and choreography of the sasuke itachi fight bit is sooooo nice and pretty, love getting to see all the new players in the story. baby ame orphans fading to the shot of yahiko as pain.. :(

this one literally makes me cry. i get chills what the fuck. definitely one of my favs. am i a bitch? maybe. i like the song by itself but like the way the rise/general shape of the melody flows with the visuals its like oh god oh fuck. again fuck jiraiya but like the role his character serves as a link between these disparate groups of people and the way thats used in this opening… how it starts and ends with him writing and this is the arc where naruto reads tales of a gutsy ninja and he learns about how he got his name and jiraiya wrote the book and hes WRITING and im going CRAZY!! i’m starting to tear up watching it rn. the shot of konan and the pains in that moment just before they leap forward. Sayonaaaaaaara aa lksasldfkwpoeifjhnuerIELFeuiertekdjsnlfweiourbg kakashis moment is cool in this op. also love to see the girls getting fight scenes in this op cus they sure dont in the actual show LOL anyway yeah im at the part where the melodys just hitting sooo different oh my god naruto frog eyes

DIVERRRRRRR. FAV literally like naruto is drowning. hes drowning and everyone is pushing him up so he can breathe again everyone is fighting to save him and thnen he s ouf ot the water and then he sees sasuke drowning and he JUMPS BACK IN. FOR ONE PERSON EVEN THOUGH ALL THESE OTHER PEOLE were working to help him out he dives back in for SASUKE whos drowning in the eyehole of obitos mask which is cool. ok yeah this is another one where im like tearing up because THe cymbal is em….. the way The movement of the visuals is choreographed with the song is so much. nico TOUCHED the fucking walls.

this one kinda annoys me i dont know why it just wasnt my favorite. love the sasuke and naruto staring at each other intensely moment though, would this be a shippuden opening without that. also the part at the end where sakura holds up her kunai and it like slashes and covers sasuke and naruto… inch resting…

newsongs so weird i love it. like what the hell is going on. why is naruto running like hes from some weird gmod video from 2013. love the LITERAL choreography, everyone dancing to the song like this is a musical. theres just a lot of weird moments which is fun. love sai naruto and sakura making the seal together to shoot lightning. raikage leaping gracefully across the beach

i do not enjoy this one. i just dont. it just feels like we’re bootlicking which of course we are because this is the war arc and everything is a nightmare

i remember seeing the first episode with this opening and i was excited bc its like… great another naruto pining for sasuke one this is what im here for. a light banger. minato manlet monday. ohh right this was the one where gaara sees his dad again and his OH I SEE SASUKEE

Banger! nico did indeed touch the walls again. i like that this one is like visually thematically consistent thru the whole thing, i like the nighttime dimly lit atmosphere with the bursts of brighter colorful lighting, also whenever i see tsunade i freak out. narutos cute at the end

SUCH A BANGER!!! also very cool visual style, appreciate it for that like the last one, its got that pretty consistent aesthetic with the red sky and the high contrast black blocking its fun and cool to watch. did i mention the song is a bit of a banger. obito passing thru the rock is cool too bad hes an idiot

ok from this one there were two lines i remember always seeing in the english sub that made me freak out. and one of them was like “this red hot love burning my heart” and it was over kakashi and obito fighting like damn OK. also the “i put the candle out with my finger” thing sticks in my head idk why. hate that we have the narutos big meaty claws i mean manly hands moment though. omg its hashirama and madara and then it CUTS TO SASUKE AND NARUTO IN THE SAME POSE LOL OK…

SILHOUETTE IS a banger… not as much so as some of the others but its a lot of fun. very colorful op, we got some naruto pining for sasuke, classic. also love the thing where ppl are running and they age as they do and they sort of grow into their present selves, a fun visual bit. the end where narutos like obito be nice now look at all these people behind me who think youre a meanie please be nice :(((((((((

another one with a really good visual principle ugh i love how the style of the show is integrated w the styles of more traditional printmaking its very swexy and nice to look at

LINE uugrgh i love this one, maybe a fav… naruto chasing after the light and sasuke trying so hard to snuff it out as they both reflect on their memories of each other oh god oh fuck… also i love the bits where it just has all the characters in a row like it reminds me of that one post about how in the endgame trailer they had a shot of all the female characters together to be like Girl power!! and someone was like yeah thats them showing u exactly how many women theyre going to disrespect LMAO but yeah i do love this op. also the song itself being slower w/ the triplet tempo is a nice change of pace

blood circulator hee hee… the version of this with naruto and sasuke moments is A Lot but even just the generic first version is fun. the part where narutos like knocked on his face hes sinking into the tar and hes not even trying to save himself hes just staring at sasuke, but then he sees sasuke distressed and he goes bijuu mode immediately like What did u say about my mans? there is some homoeroticism

i really hate everything about this i hate it all. sasuke is cute. thats it. ok first of all why did choji cut his hair his long hair look was so gooooooood. hinata bimboification? i mean if anything it was fun to watch these fillers just cus it was fun to watch kakashi be the hokage but really goofy and also the Crumbs tossed to the kakairus… but yeah i hate everything temari got bimbofied too like ugh please let her be a dyke :( this isnt even me talking necessarily about the opening this is me just being like i hate the naruto ending. LOL SASUKE AND NARUTOS NO HOMO BRO HIGH FIVE AT THE END LOLLLLL

ok im done

[hamahsjournal]

The Boy That Broke Me

This is an odd story, in an odd setting, in a odd situation. But, unfortunately, it's my situation and writing about it is the only healthy way I know how to cope with the pain I feel every day.

I guess it started when .y family and I moved to a place I now call home, El Paso, Texas. My family moved from Maine to Texas to work in Jurez Mexico along side a couple we knew who were running an orphanage down there.

The move was hard on fifteen year old me. I was pulled from the only life and friends I ever knew and secluded in a completely new and different city. I fell into my first ever hole of depression. My depression rarely allowed me to escape from my bed, but before things got too bad I went and helped at the orphanage with my parents occasionally, that's when I met him.

My sister and I were in back of the orphanage sitting on the swing set while the kids were down for their daily rest time. A tall, lanky, good looking Mexican boy, who we'll call jose, started walking over to us. Now, let me emphasize, the fact he is a Spanish speaking Mexican and I am an English speaking American. I dont know what drove him to walk up to us bit he did.

He walked up to us and began speaking a confusing fast r rolling filled language I didnt understand at all. I think finally he got that neither my sister or I had no idea what he was saying. He smiled then and motioned to the ipod touch in my hand and said "wif-y?" To which I said "Que?" One of the five Spainish words I knew at the time. After going back and forth for way too long we finally realized he was saying Wifi and asking if my ipod was connected to the wifi. I told him "si, its connected" #spanglish . So after we laughed off the extremely awkward situation I handed him my ipod and he opened Google translate for us to be able to talk. He told us he was eighteen and worked at the orphanage. To be honest I don't remember much else of the conversation due to my embarrassment of the wifi situation.

We didnt see much of each other during the year my family lived in el Paso due to my crippling depression that only worrsend. But we were friends of Facebook and kept up to date with each others lives through the internet.

After a year of living in Texas and Mexico my family moved back to maine for reasons. My cousin, who's ten years older than me, still lived down there in the orphanage working fulltime there. So she formed a friendship with Jose and another girl who lived full time there.

In the fall of 2017, I was seventeen, I decided to make my first ever solo trip down to mexico to stay and work in the orphanage. I feel in love with it! I feel in love with the country, the kids, the language everything. You see I was so caught up in my lonely, dark world of isolating depression I never got to experience that amazing place. But what is more important to this story is I got really close to jose my cousin and friend. Like really close, like they were all my best friends.

I started to like jose as more than a friend though. He was an attractive, sweet caring twenty year old who was amazing with kids, how could I not and we were finally starting to be able to communicate! But I kept quiet never saying anything in fear of losing or messing up the friendship I had formed with the three after years of being alone.

So, after three months I returned home with a crush and new close friends. During the time I was gone though, my cousin became close to jose, like real close. Awkwardly close for someone she constantly complained about having to 'take care of', constantly texted her and acted young for his age.

I returned to the orphanage in august of 2018 after my eighteenth birthday. I continued working with the kids, loving it and rekindling my friendship with jose my cousin and our friend after being away for months.

Things were going great! But my feelings for jose were only getting stronger and stronger but I pushed them away. That was until December of that year..

My cousin was gone back to Maine for the holidays visiting family leaving jose our friend and I behind. One night jose and I were sat put back, building a fire to have smores with the kids later on. While sat by the fire though, jose turned to me and began to g me how he really liked me, actually he loved me, has for a long time. He saw us having a future, little house, kids, a dog thee whole lot!

My stomach was in my throat at his words. I remember the uncontrollable smile that was plastered to my face. It was like a stupid fairytale! I've had a crush on this boy that I was forced to repress for years scared of rejection and ruining a friendship a cherished. But I no longer had to because he also liked me, hell he said he loved me!

But I tried to be smart. I told him how i really liked him too but wanted to take things slow and not do anything until one of us moved out of the orphanage and we were no longer living under the same room, with our bosses, the directors, who we knew would have a pretty with us dating.

So we were in a weird we like each other but aren't dating faze for a while. I told our friend everything that had gone down by the fire and she was happy for us! She explained her hesitation with our living together and our odd situation but said as long as we didnt do anything stupid she supported us and was happy for us.

I was living like I was in some dumb romance novel, working a job I lived with a boy I started to like move and more with ever passing smile he would throw my way. That was until my cousin returned from her trip home.

Apparently jose had told her all that had gone down while she was away and she was not happy. She had a strange obsession with him that she claimed wasn't her liking him just her being protective.

She cornered me while we were making a meal for the kids one day and to give you all the short version, said I was trying the dynamic we had as friends, jose and I's relationship was inappropriate, we shouldn't ever do anything and it was not okay with her nor would it ever be.

This yet again triggered my uncontrolled depression. After the lecturing I escaped to my bathroom and picked back up an old habit I thought I had long left behind. I cut my hips and my sides, slumped in a ball of heart broken tears. Being the kind of person I am I took on everything she said and I hated myself.

I made sure to distance myself from jose afraid to hurt her again, which would intern hurt me. Jose eventually cause on and asked what happened I explained in a teary mess and he promised to talk to her and make things better. Well they didnt get better.

A perminant wedge was pur between my cousin and I and jose and I. I spent my nights crying hurting with my friend and spent my days hearing jose tell me how much he loves me while my cousin hated me.

My breaking point came when one day the director of the orphanage asked me to run out to the store for her to which I said sure let me see if jose and my cousin want to come and then I'll go. She then told me not to bother by cousin because she knew she was really stressed with all the work she had to get done, as she was a school teacher.

I agreed and called jose to ask him to join me. He came and while we were on our way out my cousin came out and asked "why are you guys trying to sneak off without me". Jose and I exchanged confused glances and I explained to her what had happened and that we were not trying to "sneak off".

You see, this is what she always thought. That I was constantly trying to take jose from her. That I was trying to be alone with him and have him all for myself. When in reality I was pushing him away to make sure I never did that and to keep our friendship intact.

She went on saying how it really felt like that's what we were doing. I again, told her it definitely was not and she was more than welcome to come with us (keep in mind we are going to the gro very store not a fucking resort). So she came along and ignored us the entire time. As I was getting out if the car when we returned home they mentioned going out to grab a drink before we had to get back to work.

I told them I would come but I wanted to invite our friend first, unable to be in the same room with the two of them acting like they were dating right in front of me. Cause this is how they always were. She wanted to be with him so badly she acted like his girlfriend around her and he allowed it.

When I got to my friends room to invite her, though I broke down explaining g the whole situation. My cousin hated me and jose kept saying he loved me while going around acting like her boyfriend in front of me. It felt like I was slowly being ripped apart from the inside out and my cousin didnt care at all that she was hurting me so much.

When my friend and I got in the car again my cousin called me a bitch for sneaking off without her and my friend lost it. She went off on my cousin defending me. No one had ever done this for me before. I wanted her to stop because I didnt want to add to the drama but i also wanted her to keep going because it was the first time i had felt someone actually cared about me in months.

We had a silent ride home and never spoke of the events in the car that day. Until jose pulled me aside that night and asked if i was okay. I told him no. I wasn't okay. I told him everything. How much it hurt me seeing him act like my cousins boyfriend while saying ti me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. I told him she hurt me like I never thought she would. I told him I never wanted this drama and I needed it to end. He needed to pick if he wanted to be with me or her.

He told me it wasn't like that, that he could be friends with her na date me. To which I called bullshit and explained that he couldn't actually do that because she liked him as more than a friend and wasn't willing to let anyone near him. He was silent.

I knew what his choice was then.

I had never really understood the term 'heartbroken'until that day. I thought it was just some cheesey romance word. But no, it is so much more than that. I felt truly and utterly broken. I was destroyed. The boy I loved chose my cousin who had hurt me over and over again over me, the girl he "loved". My chest ached like I'd been shot over and over again and left to die. If it weren't for my friend putting me back together again I dont know what would have happened.

I didnt talk to him for a long time after that about a week and a half. What I never wanted had happened it was my cousin and jose against my friend and I. I destroyed our friendship.

I finally spoke to him again when him and I took the kids to their weekly swim practice. Him and I were sat up in the bleachers when I got a call. Doctors had found a mass on my mother's thyroid they believed to be cancer. I cried. I had just had the worst week of my life loosing him and my cousin and now this. I could no longer hold it together.

He held me while I cried apologizing for everything he did to me and for what I was going through. We mended our relationship then i think. We talked more after but we were okay, because I realized it wasn't him. It was her. She had manipulated him into choosing her. I still hate him somedays because in the end it was him, he made his choice.

But then theres other days where he texts me saying "I still love you" and my heart breaks all over again, knowing I cant have a relationship with him until he has a normal friendship with her. Which will never happen, because he chose her and will always choose her.

So here I am hurting everytime I think about him and the eight months I spent with him. What hurts the most is I cant stop loving him, even though I want to so fucking bad. I want to hate him and move on but I cant. He. No, they destroyed me. I'm scared to be in another relationship, terrified to hear the words "I love you" again and them not be true. They ruined my life and dont care because they have each other. Yet he has the audacity to text me still to this day telling me he still loves me.

And I'm stupid enough to want to believe him and love him back...

[prairiesongserial]

5.6

The truck bounced and ambled its way down the dust-covered road, tossing its passengers gently from side to side like they were in a ship on a particularly stormy ocean. Cody’s stomach turned over, and he tore his gaze away from the window to look at John and Sailor, who shared the backseat with him.

“Are we sure about this?”

“No,” Sailor growled under her breath. She was hunched over in her seat, gently rubbing her leg where her knee joint met her new prosthetic. “It’s a bad plan. Not enough people, and not enough guns.”

“I thought that was kinda the point,” Nash said cheerfully, from the driver’s seat. “Y’all aren’t supposed to be attracting attention.”

“Nash, respectfully, you aren’t a part of this discussion unless you’re gonna be gettin’ out of the car to go with us,” Cody said, his voice flat.

He knew exactly what Nash’s orders were, unfortunately, and Nash wasn’t coming with him, John, and Sailor. According to what Marc had said that morning at brunch, Nash was coming along strictly as their getaway driver. If they didn’t come back to the rendezvous point within about an hour, Nash was allowed to head back to Texas Waters and leave the three of them high and dry. Cody, for one, had no doubt that he really would. Nash may have been affable enough, but at the end of the day, Marc was the one paying him for his services.

“Fair enough,” Nash said, with an easy shrug. “Your drop point’s comin’ up in a couple minutes, by the way.”

“Great,” Cody said through his teeth. John put a hand on his knee, gently, and he reached down to squeeze it. Having his own gesture returned muddled his thoughts about the whole interaction - he still wasn’t sure what he had been trying to communicate, back at breakfast. At least he could say for certain that John hadn’t minded. Cody refocused himself on the problem at hand, more agitated now than before. “I still don’t see why we have to split up.”

Their instructions were relatively straightforward, all things considered. Marc would be meeting with the heads of a local mob, in a town just across the Mexican border, under the pretense of making an alliance with them. Something about dividing up certain resources they each had access to for a mutual benefit. While the meeting was going on, John, Cody, and Sailor would be pulling off one of the double-crosses Marc was apparently notorious for - considering breakfast, that hadn’t been much of a surprise.

John, Cody, and Sailor were to steal the mob’s supply of water. The only catch was that the supply was kept in a compound located dead in the middle of a nest of muties. The mob didn’t have to spend the manpower guarding their most valuable resource if the muties kept people away for free, after all. All they had to do was guard one tunnel entrance. The mob members transported the water in barrels through a tunnel under the mesa, then raised it up on a lift. The barrels sat out in the open, the hundred-odd feral muties enough of a deterrent for any sane person.

The water heist, as Marc had devised it, was a two-pronged plan. Cody and Sailor would make their way up one side of the mesa, doing their best to go as quickly as possible while also disturbing as few muties as possible. At the same time, John would arrive at the guard station at the base of the mesa, dressed as one of the mob’s security men. While Cody and Sailor reached the compound from the top, John would take care of the guards patrolling the underground tunnel. If all went well, they’d meet as soon as Cody and Sailor took the lift down, then transport the barrels of water out through the tunnel to where Nash would be waiting in the truck.

It was a decent plan, in theory. But there were a lot of ways it could go wrong, and Cody hadn’t stopped thinking up more since they’d left Texas Waters. He was so nervous that he could practically feel the food he’d eaten at brunch rolling around in his stomach, threatening to come back up.

“You really want to fight your way back through a nest of pissed-off muties? I mean, be my guest, but…” Nash trailed off, perhaps remembering that Cody had just told him not to talk anymore. He punctuated it with another shrug.

“He’s right,” John murmured, almost as if it pained him to do so.

Cody frowned. “The last time we split up -”

“Was different,” John said, squeezing his hand back. “Not on purpose.”

“Still!”

“Cody,” John said firmly, then looked surprised when Cody’s attention snapped completely to him. He swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing conspicuously in his throat, looking a little like a deer caught in headlights.

“Well?” Cody asked.

“...I’ll handle it,” John said at last, a little gruff, diverting his gaze towards the floor. Cody’s frown deepened.

“I know, but -”

“John has the easy job,” Sailor broke in, looking more than a little exasperated with the route the conversation had gone down. “All he has to do is clear the getaway path for us, and stay there to make sure no other goons show up.”

“I dunno about easy. Once he starts takin’ them down, someone’s gonna notice,” Cody said.

“Not if he’s careful,” Sailor said. “He’ll have enough time to be, with us sneakin’ our way up the whole fuckin’ mesa. I didn’t exactly think he was gonna run in guns blazing, and just start shooting people left and right.”

John snorted.

“Hey, he might have to, if his cover gets blown,” Nash pointed out.

“That’s fine,” John said, and then fell silent again, looking contemplative.

Cody watched him, thinking that, strangely, this was the most he’d heard John speak since before they’d arrived at Texas Waters that morning. He wondered how John was feeling, but he wasn’t about to ask a thing like that in front of Sailor and Nash. They’d have time to talk about it later, hopefully.

“Alright, here we are,” Nash said, pulling the truck off to the shoulder of the road. There wasn’t much there - the mesa loomed over them a couple of yards away, but for the most part, it was just scenic desert. Nothing to suggest a nest of muties nearby. “Hop on out, you two, and don’t forget your guns.”

Cody gave John’s hand a final squeeze before letting go of it, and opening the door to let himself and Sailor out of the truck. He hopped down to the ground, adjusting his poncho, and circling to the back of the truck for the rifles Marc had given to them, just in case. Cody had never fired a fancy rifle like the ones Marc’s guards used before, but he’d fired a shotgun, and he reckoned they worked about the same. He had his pistol holstered to his hip again, too, as a last resort.

“Be safe,” he told John through the window, slinging the rifle’s strap over his shoulder. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

John nodded. Nash revved the truck’s engine once, then peeled away onto the road, with apparently little regard for the dust the tires kicked up onto Cody and Sailor. Cody watched the truck disappear into the distance, until he couldn’t see John’s face looking for him from the window anymore.

“Ready to kill some muties?” he asked, turning to Sailor.

“I’m hoping we won’t have to,” she grumbled. She started to head for the mesa, her eyes scanning the horizon line for something. “There should be a footpath close to here that goes up to the top. It was on Marc’s map.”

“Right,” Cody said, following just a couple steps behind. He’d thought the map of the area that Marc had brought out while explaining the plan had been largely for dramatic purposes, but now he felt a little silly for not taking the time to study it seriously.

“What’s with you and Marc, anyway?” he asked. It couldn’t hurt to make conversation until they actually reached mutie territory, and he was curious, anyway. “I thought you were trying to catch him for the bounty. He acted like you come around for brunch all the time.”

“It’s complicated,” Sailor said, bluntly.

“Is it?”

“No,” she answered, after a moment of contemplation. They’d reached the beginning of the footpath, and she started up it, only pausing for a moment to make sure Cody was following her closely. “Not really. He thinks I’m hunting him because I like him.”

“And he likes you, obviously,” Cody said, filling in the gaps.

“Obviously,” Sailor said. “What was your first clue?”

Cody laughed - and then froze, the sound dying in his throat as he abruptly became aware of something moving in his peripheral vision. Sailor snapped her head up to look, and he did the same, already knowing what he’d find. His stomach twisted. There was a group of muties, at least five of them crouched on a ledge not five yards away. Their eyes were milky white with cataracts, and they were hunched over, with necks and arms that looked too long for their bodies. Some of them were chittering softly, Cody thought, unless it was the sounds of nearby animals. But he doubted that, somehow.

“They can’t see,” he murmured, barely moving his lips. If the muties were blind, maybe sneaking past them would be easier than Marc had thought.

Sailor frowned. She stooped to pick up a rock from the ground, slowly and deliberately. Cody wondered what she was doing for only a moment before she wound up and threw it, sending it sailing over the group of muties’ heads and clattering across the ground on the ledge they were on.

The muties reacted in less than a second. So abruptly it was startling, they sprang into motion, turning to lunge on the spot where the rock had landed. They were making low, guttural noises in their throats that sounded like a human imitation of a dog’s growl. Cody thought it might have been the worst noise he’d ever heard in his life.

“They can sure hear, though,” Sailor said, under her breath.

Cody bit the inside of his cheek, and nodded. Somehow, he got the feeling that this was going to be much worse than the last time he and John had split up.

5.5 || 5.7

[pinkletterday]

Oh thank God they aren't waiting till shit goes down to brief Team Flash.

LMAO Iris "what the newspaper says some shit? That's like Tuesday for us, bro."

Seriously though I'm tired of Iris being "tough". The best thing, maybe the only good thing, about Season 3 was that she was allowed to be soft and vulnerable and scared and sad. We badly need to roll back on this stoic tough chick trope. LET WOMEN BE EMOTIONAL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

I miss Soft Princess Iris. :(

SINGH. I missed Captain Singh. He's like Barry's number one stan. "You got an intern working a crime scene without going through any hiring protocol whatsoever, Allen? Good job!"

Incidentally how can you "hire" interns if you don't pay them?

So. Now that we've seen a man become compressed into a block of meat, can we have some PG 13 post-coital Westallen nookie? This show's attitude to sex is so fucked up. Shishkebab people 96 times per season but zero hints of a sex life between a loving, committed couple.

Nora, I love you but you may actually be worse than your Dad at showing up to crime scenes with flimsy excuses...*flashes back to introductory episode on Arrow 2x8* nvm

That block of meat is making me hungry. Need breakfast.

"Please stop caring about me" LOL

Ralph is sort of growing on me. Granted, so could fungus.

Okay that was mean.

I really hope Barry also tables his family drama for five minutes to be there for his best friend. Caitlin and Cisco keep being deprioritized since S2 - S3 and its grating on me. Be there for your friends too, Barry.

Excuse you, going to Thailand and painting your toes is a great way to get over a break-up. However, I strongly advise against any drastic hair decisions.

Oh. Poor guy. Be gentle, Mad Dog West-Allen

(Get it? Mad Dog Lane? TNAOS? Ok then)

I do like when they show civillian casualties. It makes what they do seem more impactful.

Is Joe on paternity leave?

I like these West family subplots. Joe and Cecile are v cute.

Cecile reading the mind of your child without their consent is the opposite of being the perfect parent. Wait till she's out and raid her room for drugs like everyone else.

Barry is like me with teenagers. "When I was your age it took five minutes just to connect to the internet and your search history turned up on your phone bill shut your gob."

Oh Nora. *facepalm*

Idk why Barry always calls his villains out. He's a speedster with the advantage of surprise. Its stupid.

"Denser than people who still believe in love." I feel you so much Cisco.

I see the CW is still forcing us to be minutely acquainted with people's chins.

SERIOUSLY just let Barry take five seconds out to give Cisco a comforting pat on the back Im so tired of this.

LOL Barry you're giving Nora math homework? That's just harsh.

Lmao Cisco is getting Anne Hathawayed HANDS OFF THE HAIR BRUCE. **proteccs lush beautiful Cisco curls*

"Does that mean you think there's something wrong with me?" NO BABY YOU ARE THE MOST PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL

"You cut my hair I cut you" YOU TELL HIM

Oh. Oh my. Oh.

I have never been so attracted to Cisco Ramon before. Clearly I have been a fool.

Heee she raised her hand. "But Dad, I wanna punch stuff!" Most precious bean.

Errm pretty sure your Dad killed the Sand Demon, Nora. I don't care about DC's no-kill rule but that was not his finest moment.

Lmaoooo welcome to fatherhood, Barry.

Maybe a stern little talking-to wouldn't hurt at this point.

Whenever she says "Dad" my insides melt a little more.

Okay, Barry and Iris need to draw some hard lines between their professional lives. The investigative journalist cannot just waltz into her husband's CCPD lab and look through his laptop. Literally you could have done this at home instead of the lab. One day they're going to be accused of evidence tampering.

Shit like this takes me out of a scene unnecessarily.

Barry: "NORA ISN'T LISTENING TO ME SHE THINKS SHE CAN DO ALL THESE THINGS BUT SHE CAN'T, NEMO!"

Joe: *internally laughs himself stupid*

So this is why parents want their kids to reproduce. The sweet, sweet karmic payback. xD

(Fourth grade? Barry came to live with them when he was eleven. Also pretty sure Barry kinda hated Joe for a while what with having arrested his Dad and being traumatized. I can see him hero-worshipping Joe a couple of years later maybe.)

I can't get over how hot Cisco is. Bruce better not have burned his iconic t-shirts tho.

Aww, Caitlin. That sucks. :( I know the theme this season seems to be fathers and daughters but you should really talk to Iris about absentee parents who faked their deaths.

No seriously this is a great bonding opportunity for them! I need to see a solid friendship between the two main female cast members so bad it's been four seasons please throw me a bone

Oh, step twenty seven is hitting me hard too. I think I might actually like Ralph soon.

Okay, real talk. Yeah the superficial stuff can't distract you from the truth that your relationship tanked. But that whole cry on your couch for two weeks, get away to a seaside with friends, getting a makeover, buying new clothes, redecorating your living space - these are also rituals of grief and helps you cope till you get enough emotional distance to deal with reality. Superficial stuff is what makes life bearable, okay?

The other thing is to give relationship advice nobody asked for

Moving on.

I love that Cait and Cisco are always there for each other.

Awww Barry's showing Nora what a fuck up he truly is loool.

Oh my God. Season 1 Barry. "Sometimes for people with our abilities the most impressive thing is restraint." WE HAVE COME SO FAR. I'M LOVIN' IT! *prouds*

Yessss Iris being as smart as the nerd herd!

GO TEAM WEST-ALLEN!

Young lady, you roll your eyes at your mother one more time and we're gonna have words.

Kinda hate that in order to give villains a chance against speedster powers you gotta significantly bring the latter down several IQ points.

Baby got moves! Nice!

Barry! What about those moves you used to lay out the ARGUS guards??

This fight would be more impressive is I could see jackshit. Lighting, people!

Hmm. Did Cicada just have a "Save Martha" moment?

Nora is so scared and worried for her father, poor babb.

YES MARVEL REFERENCE!

Wait, so they got their powers back?

Y'know he didnt have to vibe that to realize the obvious next step is confronting Caitlin's mother.

Actually that sounds like respiratory problem. New villain - Halitosis.

Oooh Future Spoilers Girl knows who Cicada is

Aaand that's a wrap folks.

Ngl I had hoped for more "West" in Team West-Allen but this was a solid ep.

Please have Nora call Barry "Dad" as many times as possible k.

[rezathevamp-blog]

Honey, I’m Home || Noah&Reza

Was this a good idea? Considering Reza had come up with it all on his own, the answer was probably no. Like a big, fat no. But seeing as he'd went through with ideas far fucking worse than this one, he figured he might as well. After all, turning back now would mean wasting the disgusting food concoction he'd bought on the way here, the here being Noah's home. A lot had changed in the last few months, some people were completely gone or different but one thing had mercifully stayed the same; Noah was still here. For how long Reza could stay optimistic about that was very unclear. After all, the vampire had completely vanished on literally the same night that Noah had bared his soul to him, ugly scars and all. Not exactly a positive stepping stone in their... relationship? Their something. Reza really just hoped that this something wasn't about to turn into a nothing. As bad as four months cooped up with a bunch of slayers and people that sorta seemed to hate his guts had been, the one good thing was that it given him plenty of time to think. There hadn't been room for any distractions, which he'd become oh-so-very good at. So he'd thought about himself, about Noah, reluctantly about Heath and just about shit in general. One conclusion was that he needed to find out whether or not Noah even had the sexual orientation for this to go... from something to something else. As it was right now, Reza's odds looked bleak. He left the bike a short distance down the driveway, trudging up towards the door with his helmet tucked under one arm, the box of fat and empty calories under the other, and a nervous stone in his stomach. And then he knocked.

Lifting his head from his phone Noah scrunched his eyebrows a little, the sounds of the knocking ringing in his ears. It was an odd sound to hear reverberating throughout the kitchen, and even more strange to Noah. Because really A) who would be knocking at this hour? And B) who did he even know that knocked anymore? I mean most of his and Cahill’s friends practically had keys. Placing his phone coffee table Noah figured he’d better at least answer it. If not for his sake, then for the dogs sake, both of their bodies pretty wiggly with the excitement only a new person could bring. Caleb was doing a really good job of not barking though which was surprising because he usually was the first one to go balls to the walls when anything startled him “That’s my good mannered boy” Noah smiled out at the little pup a sense of happiness rushing over him. And he should have known that it wasn’t going to last, that feeling of just, happy contentment that he had whenever he looked at his dogs. The feeling that he had worked so hard to get back after the whole Reza thing. But then again how could he have known? How could Noah have known that the second he opened the door, it would feel as if all the air in his lungs had been forcibly removed? How could he have known that even after all this time he would still feel as deeply for this man standing before him as he did for the scrawny little vampire the boy had obviously left behind. How could he have known that after what seemed like an indeterminate amount of time Reza Burki would just be quietly standing on his porch again? Gaping a little at the sight before him Noah tried to get himself in gear, tried to make himself say something. Anything really. But the only thing he could manage to whisper out in the moment before the dogs came barreling out to slobber all over their old friend was “You’re alive”

Seeing Noah appear in the doorway -- hell, just smelling him and the dogs and everything with the first gust of wind from inside the house, brought memories flooding back with way too much gusto. Reza could almost feel the big, strong frame hanging off his shoulders as he'd dragged Noah inside from the driveway; could feel the sadness that had permeated Noah's very being, sadness that was somehow mingled with relief that Reza had hoped was because of his presence; could remember the way he'd been snatched into a half asleep hug while trying to get Noah into bed safe and sound and most prominently, he remembered just how much he'd wanted to do something more, something that hadn't been appropriate with a drunk and devastated Noah. And speaking of devastated... "You're alive." Resisting the sarcastic urge to correct him with an 'undead, actually', Reza smiled instead - a small and sad smile. And then dogs were barrelling into his feet, threatening to knock him off balance as he tried to pet them both while also attempting to keep eye contact with Noah. "I'm sorry," came the reply, finally, once the dogs were semi-content with the attention they received. Reza straightened out, swallowed thickly. He'd never been that good at apologies. "If you want to listen, I can explain everything," he said softly, dark eyes never leaving the shocked ones staring straight back. What if Noah just slammed the door right now and refused to listen? Reza really was desperately hoping for this to work out. "I brought food?"

Standing there still winded Noah just blinked a couple times, the urge to just knock Reza down and bury himself in the smell (who knew that “mr health conscious” would ever miss the faint hint of cigarettes?) and body of the boy prickling at the top of his skin. But then with everything came flooding back with clarity, the night where he felt just so much better about his progress. He’d shared, with someone he cared about, and they didn’t think him a horrible person. No in fact he felt. He felt like Reza may even have cared about him, in a way Noah could maybe have only dreamed of. But all of that progress was lost the instant Noah figured out the kid wasn’t coming back. And while Noah felt happy that Reza was alive and well, he just. He couldn’t forget what the other had done to him. And they hadn’t even been together. “You know what No.” He started letting his anger at Reza overtaking the joy he had from seeing him again. “Fuck your apology and fuck you for thinking you could show up with fucking food and everything would be alright. Because it’s not.” He shook his head ushering the dogs back inside of the house and shutting the door behind them. I was just them two now standing there in the dimly lit darkness of his porch. Just him and reza and the force of the rage that was swelling over every inch of Noah’s body. Because Noah deserved better, it had taken him 4+ months to get that through his head and Reza just showing up on his doorstep was not going to change that. “I-I fucking looked for you.” He started again to break the silence, knowing that if he didnt just barrel through Reza would say something. Anything. And Noah would be right back where he started. Utterly in love with someone who destroyed his fucking heart with no remorse. “After you stopped replying I looked for you everywhere. I asked everyone I could. I went into that fucking vampire club bar thing.” Noah spat arms shaking. Because yea that had been a night he never wanted to remember ever again. “But that’s not even the point. The point is, you knew. I mean I don’t know to what degree, but you knew. You knew how much this would devastate me, just-just disappearing like that, after I’ve already lost so many people in my life that I care about. But you fucking did it anyway. And while I’m happy you’re not dead or undead or whatever the fuck vampires are when they pass on. What you did to me was not ok. And sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

Aaand there it was. It really did seem like Reza was never getting this apology thing right, whether it was procrastinating it forever, playing the most pathetic victim ever or just showing up at the first possible chance and offering to bare his soul. Fuck. His jaw clenched as he let Noah's anger wash over him, resisting the urge to tell him something - anything to make it better. He knew he could (or hoped he could) if Noah would just let him, but butting in right now seemed like the wrong thing to do. So he waited, the leather of his gloves creaking as his hands clenched. The thought of Noah surrounded by Ashkent's scummiest scum filled Reza with a very protective feeling and yeah, made him feel even shittier for leaving even though he hadn't really left. After Noah's completely heart-shattering rant, Reza realized that he'd actually had much more of an impact on the other man than he'd initially thought. Still undervaluing how much people cared, it seemed. When he was sure that Noah had nothing more to add at this moment, Reza carefully put down the bag of food, helmet still hanging limply from his other hand. "I know it doesn't. But sorry is literally the only place I know where to start because I'm shit at this, but... I don't want you to feel like this, I really don't. This is literally the farthest thing from what I wanted." He was getting jittery, feeling like this was going South real fast, but giving up this easily was worse than vanishing in the first place. "And I really do have an explanation for why I vanished because it wasn't by choice and I really fucking hope you believe me because I would never have hurt you on purpose and-" Reza cut himself off from the rambling, not wanting Noah to feel like he wasn't able to talk more. So he just gripped his helmet tighter. "So if you wanna talk, we can talk. If you don't, then I'll fuck off."

“If you didn’t want me to feel like this you would have just told me” Noah huffed out at Reza anger getting the best of him. Because seriously what had been so bad he couldn’t at least send a small goodbye text. A ‘don’t worry about me’ sort of text. Or just. Something. Anything, other than the deafening radio silence he received. Looking up at Reza though Noah softened a little. Anger dissipating slightly. Because while it was easy to hate on Reza in the moment, he knew deep down that the boy (or rather man now) in front of him had a complicated life if he hadn’t texted him he probably really didn’t have a choice. Or at least in this instance thats what Noah was going to choose to believe. Because the alternative was even more utterly heart destroying. Walking over to the end of the porch though Noah sighed a bit, the weight of all the emotions that had been going on feeling like a ton of bricks “So, I’m sure its apparent that I really don’t want to talk” He said sitting down on the porch swing, his legs going up into their normal criss cross pattern, and his arms involuntarily reaching out for one of the ratty old outdoor pillows that was nestled in the corner. And it was a weird habit, he knew that (especially since he had gotten almost too big for the porch swing now) but it was a comforting habit to Noah, reminiscent of all the times he and Cahill would just sit out on the porch after a hard day. “But I know my therapist would be disappointed in me if i didn’t at least hear you out.’ He continued squeezing the pillow closer to him. As if it were his new armor against whatever weapons Reza was going to hurl at his battered body now. “But this doesn’t change anything.” he started again eyes looking straight at Reza with eyes narrowed. Because even though he felt more vulnerable now than he’d ever had it still didn’t quell the pit of anger inside of him “This doesn’t change the fact that I deserve better. And this doesn’t change the fact that I’d still really like to just punch you in your fucking face right now and erase your entire existence from porch and my phone and my life.”

Noah's anger was still bubbling and yeah, Reza had made some astounding self improvement with his own patience and anger issues but there was still a long ways to go. If things continued on this path where Noah assumed what had happened and Reza continued to feel like shit, then the path would be a very short one. Thankfully, due to whatever fairness the universe might have owed Reza, Noah seemed to deflate all of a sudden. Reza watched warily as the heavy frame trudged from the doorway over to the other side of the porch, still waiting for the next burst of anger. It didn't come right away and it seemed like Reza was actually going to get a chance to explain himself - before Noah's eyes narrowed and he hurtled out what was probably the biggest possible 'fuck you' to Reza's fairly fragile confidence. Jaw clenched, face turned away from Noah as to hide the familiar feeling of his eyes changing hue, Reza forced air into his stupid, useless lungs. When it did literally nothing, he tore off his gloves instead and shaky hands dug out a pack of cigarettes from his jacket. It wasn't until he'd lit one up and taken a seat on the porch's steps, far enough away from Noah as to not suffocate him in the smoke (because he obviously deserved better than a disgusting smoker), that Reza spoke. "I think they snatched me up right about.... there," he pointed with the cigarette to a patch of grass a good few feet from the porch, "and then, y'know, bagged my head and knocked me out cold. A group of heroic slayers, that try not to kill the 'innocent vampires' out there but instead, use them to do their dirty work." Sarcasm dripped from every word and Reza continued without looking over at Noah. "It took them a while to consider whether or not my connection to all the shitty people back in the day made me just another expendable pile of dust but lucky me, they decided it didn't. Since I haven't actually killed anyone, they 'let' me be part of their program. Track down vamps that have killed people or deal drugs or sell slayer blood -- the list of crimes that warrant death goes on." Reza inhaled some smoke, trying to gauge Noah's reaction without looking. "Best part is, I didn't have a fucking say in any of it. They drove me off to some shit place town hours away from here, smashed my phone, cleaned out my 'apartment' apparently, and pretty much made me vanish. Too risky for them to let me contact anyone, just in case I was trying to sic some of those pesky, killer vampires on their HQ. Which meant no contacting you, or my sister, or anyone." He finally couldn't take it anymore, turning his head to look over to the balled up Noah (something that Reza definitely would have poked fun at under different circumstances). "I literally got back last night. You're the first person in this shitty town that I came to see. Even though I'm starting to suspect it was a mistake. And sorry to break it to you but erasing me is going to be a real bitch because I'm stuck here while there are still vampires to hunt down and kill. But I'll try my best to stay out of your way. It's the least you deserve." Fuck. Had his eyes gleamed red again? His own anger was rearing its ugly head so Reza figured now was a good time to shut up. So he sat on the porch steps, taking more shaky drags from his cigarette.

Looking out at the large expanse of lawn before him, Noah started by justing listening to Reza, fully expecting the lamest excuse. You know something that would have justified Noah’s anger. But what he didn’t expect was the worst. The god awful worst for Reza, and the way his heart just melted as the other spoke. Sitting there for a few moment moments with his emotional whiplash Noah chanced a look at the other boy. It was easy to tell that Reza was upset. And it was all Noah’s fault. Noah had made him upset by assuming he was a shitty person. Fuck. Slowly the older boy extricated himself from his position on the swing caught between the overwhelming need to just smother the hurting boy before him with attention and just not wanting to be around him at all. Because he was bound to hurt him again wasn’t he? Thats was just Reza’s life wasn’t it? “So we still need to talk about us.” he said slowly easing himself down towards Reza the urge to just reach out and smother the damn cancer stick he’d lit strong. But that was just it. Even though he hated that damn cigarette Noah would probably never ask him to change. Because it was a part of Reza. Part the good and part of the bad, and at this moment he wanted all of it. “But i just-” Noah paused not even knowing where to go with all of this information his hands caught between pulling Reza closer and pushing him away. “Are they hurting you?” It was less of an actual sentence and more of a whisper between them, as he finally looked in Reza’s direction Noah’s eyes full of worry. Because no matter what happened between them, no matter how this ended, with Reza in his life again or gone for good Noah would always worry for his safety. Because Reza was his… his friend. His pack. He was one of the few people the Hawaiian boy had opened up to and one of the few people that he didn’t want to ever leave him, if his tantrum was any thing to go by. But that was something for another time. Right now Noah’s focus was solely on Reza’s well being.

Reza wanted to be mad at Noah for his choice of words. He wanted to lash out more and lather every syllable with scathing sarcasm but all of that completely faded away when he heard the porch creak under heavy feet. Aside from the very important fact of not having come here to snap at Noah and make him feel bad, Reza also realized that for the millionth time, he was settling into a victim position. The fact was very much reflected in Noah's eyes, looking torn between anger and pity and as much as he would have liked all the comfort in the world from those big arms, he didn't want it like this. Toughen up, Burki. His mind nervously skated past the 'us' part, not quite ready do dive into the deep end just seconds after he'd managed to calm himself down, and instead Reza took notice of Noah's disapproving stare. Right. Smelly cigarette. With one last quick drag, Reza crushed it under his boot. "Not at all, actually. Aside from the initial kidnapping part. I mean, they've been bossy and mean and really sarcastically judgemental over my fashion choices but... I got set up with a half decent apartment and..." he grimaced, "a food supply. To keep me on the side of the angels, ya'know?" Reza smiled wryly, shooting a glance over at Noah. The Noah who still managed to find space in his clearly packed tight mind to care whether or not Reza was in trouble. "I'm sorry about your football sitch," he added after a beat.

Watching as the other quickly stomped out his cigarette Noah practically rolled his eyes at the other. Because it was not his intention to make Reza stomp out his cigarette even though he was happy that he did. “You don’t have to-” He started trying to figure out how he wanted to phrase what he was going to say next. Because on the one hand he did really hate smoking, but on the other hand he didn’t want his needs to always supplant Reza’s own comfort “I think what i mean to say is If you want to smoke, smoke. I’ll get over it. Plus its not like you can get cancer or anything so I really have nothing to worry about with you.” He shrugged out kinda wanting to get off the topic. Though their new topic wasn’t a great trade off either. “Well that’s good they aren’t hurting you. And are treating you well it seems” He nudged Reza with his elbow eyes shining a little. Yea. He’d noticed how Reza was filling out clothes better. But then again who wouldn’t? “How did you know-?” He started eyebrow raised not pegging Reza for someone who knew about sport schedules until it hit him like a ton of bricks “Oh” Reza had been stalking his profiles. Trying not to let the second wave of hurt wash over him at the thought of Reza being in the know about him but in turn Noah knowing nothing the older boy ran a hand through his hair “Its alright. I mean my body is thankful I’m not constantly putting it in danger of being hurt anymore, but my soul is-” Noah paused looking down at his bare feet on the steps. “It’s hard. Football was my thing you know. And to not have it anymore. Lets just say my anger and like pent up werewolf aggression hasn’t really had an outlet for a while. So sorry about, well-” He motioned with a hand hoping Reza would get the hint. Because yes he was angry at Reza but there were better ways to handle your anger and exploding and yelling expletives at someone was not one of them.

Reza huffed out a little laugh, waving off Noah's concern. "Just say thanks. These things are gross and I used to hate it when people smoked them around me so don't even mention it." 'So does you getting over it imply that we're actually going to spend time together..?' The nudge was unexpected but so many types of welcome. "Yeah, I mean, with nothing else to do while they found me... something to do, I kinda got dragged into their ridiculous training for a while. Which is nice, y'know, not looking like a used mop swallowed by clothing." Wait, was that even what Noah had been mentioning? Or had it just been the lack of permanent eyebags? Fuck, well... "It's fine," Reza assured him, cold hands rubbing together in his lap. "I get... pent up aggression. So to literally throw your old offer back at you; if you ever wanna, like, spar or something then I'd be happy to. Get rid off all that angst." Reza's very poor impression of Noah had him chuckling to himself and yeah, maybe it was inappropriate considering how tense the mood had literally been five minutes ago but he didn't care. Hanging around Noah made him want to just have a nice time and not worry about all the harrowing shit all the time. Even if that meant making jokes on Noah's expense.

“Then why do you? Smoke I mean.” Noah asked curious as to what would change in Reza’s mind. He couldn’t think of any situation which would change his mind on the habit so it would be interesting to hear Reza’s take on it. Letting the better atmosphere fill the air between them Noah tried not to blush as the subject of Reza’s new body came up. “Yea well, you did-” He paused trying to gather his thoughts for the upteenth time today. Because really what was he supposed to say to that? Just the fact that they were on this subject was dangerous territory, especially for their ever precarious relationship. “Well. You did well. I mean I think the way you looked before was still good too but” Noah shrugged off eyes averted, wishing and praying they could just like drop this subject now. Or bury him in a whole before his whole body just turned scarlet. That would be nice. Feeling the embarrassment though drop straight out of him as Reza tried to joke though Noah narrowed his expression. “Don’t tempt me right now Nosferatu” He replied rolling his eyes at Reza’s horrible impression of himself “I’ve been oscillating between wanting to kick you down the porch stairs and being happy that you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere since I saw you” The statement still had a slight bite to it, part of Noah still completely serious about the whole kicking him down the porch stairs thing and part of him just playing.

Reza shrugged, not that surprised by the question. "Peer pressure. And now I'm too much of a wimp to quit. Plus, it's this whole aesthetic thing and I'm going to stop that joke there because you might actually believe me." It was always a relief, seeing Noah get mildly flustered just when Reza had convinced himself that he was definitely the more awkward out of the two, and making things more or less tied once again. A decent balance. Not like the very precarious balance Reza had tested by making fun of Noah. "Sorry, sorry, bad timing. Bad everything." At least Noah wasn't too angry for nicknames -- a positive sign. "But you have mentioned physical violence like... a lot so if you actually do want to spar, just for a chance to smack me in the face, then I'm definitely accustomed to a beating." A pause. Reza resisted the urge to flop back onto the porch. "That sounded awful on every level and I take it back, it's just nerves from this whole apology thing and all of this and feel free to just kick me in the face right now to end this." And here he was, once more going for the crown of awkwardness. "I practised some simple defensive fighting a while back, is what I meant to say." Yup, he was definitely regretting that cigarette he smushed, hands feeling much too fiddly and empty. "Also, please do something with the food I brought because I'm obviously not going to eat it. You can have at it and still be mad at me, promise."

"So what you’re saying is I basically just have to peer pressure you to stop and you’ll stop?” Noah replied shaking his head a bit playfully at the other boy. God leave it to Reza Burki to pick up a bad habit simply because it looked cool. Biting his lip slightly Noah tried his best to not butt in while Reza gathered himself. Because it just. It all sounded wrong and it all just made Noah feel even worse about the things he had said and the things he’d threatened. “You know I’d never actually hurt you.” he said quietly as he looked out across the dark expanse of lawn in front of the boys, a somberness ot his demeanor. “I mean on purpose that is.” he went on to clarify, because you know if they did ever spar there could be an outside chance of hurting Reza on accident. And Noah would be loathe to eat his own words, even if it was not taken that way at all. “I mean I’m angry at this whole situation yes, and I talk a lot about physical violence because, well that’s just kind of the angsty werewolf way. But I would never actually hurt you. Just you know for your information.” It wasn’t as relevant to the conversation as Noah would liked but part of him felt that it needed to be said. Because for all his joking about beating Reza up and hurting him (just as much as Noah felt hurt right now), that was really the last thing the older boy ever wanted to do. Because Reza was. Well Reza. and their situation was complicated yes. But if this night proved anything Noah was pretty much ride or die for this boy. “It’s good though that they taught you defensive skills. Those will definitely come in handy here in good old Ashkent.” He nodded slightly trying to figure out how the hell he’d actually probably made the situation worse. Looking over at the food though Noah could feel the awkwardness dissipate a little and their conversation switch back to the jokier side of things. Which was obvisouly where the two felt the most safe. “Depends what did you bring me, Edward? he questioned grabby hands reaching out for the bag.

Rolling his eyes, Reza sniffed in offence (barely). "Try me. Although that would almost be like a nice favor on your part. I'll consider letting you bully me into quitting." All this back and forth was making Reza's head spin, his own mind going from nervous anxiety to relief to embarrassment to whatever the hell else, and Noah right next to him not seeming to fare any better. The constant switching of anger and very soft, cinnamon bun caring was rough on Reza's teetering anxiety. "Some solid information to have," was the only thing he could muster as a response, lame as it was, but thankfully Noah had accepted the very obvious food-related change of subject. "It's really tempting to reply with dog food but... this place close to where I live has these things that I'm pretty sure are bred from some pizza and burger mix, maybe fries, I'm not sure. All I know is that people like it and it's probably going to wrap around your heart and squeeze it to death with like... a noose made out of transfats. Which sounded like something you'd enjoy. The food, not the... death part." The bag was dropped on Noah's lap, seeing as the space between them on the porch had become a bit to sparse. Clearing his throat, Reza shifted around on the porch, wondering how long he had here before he too would start to feel the first prickles of hunger. Probably not that long.

Snorting slightly Noah smiled, the first time he truly felt like doing so since Reza even arrived. “It would be less bullying and me just being so annoying about shit you’d have to quit.” Because it would. Noah practically lived at the hospital for the year or so after his transplant, he could spout of tons and tons of mundane medical facts. Especially for the bad habits. They usually had literature. Clearing his throat a little as the whole conversation was switched back to sad, Noah just nodded. They were going to have to have “the conversation” sooner or later. The one they kept ramping up to and never actually getting to. He knew it. Reza knew it. Hey even Jesus probably knew it. But apparently that was going to be a topic for another time. Which was fine by Noah, the boy pretty exhausted from the emotional whiplash just seeing Reza had given him. “Well Kea and Caleb get a raw diet, so i mean, if you wanted to go there the dog food I have wouldn’t actually be that bad” Noah chided sticking his tongue out at the other as he graciously accepted the bag. See as long as Noah stopped thinking about how just utterly devastated he was when Reza left him everything would be fine. Just fine. Right? Focusing on what Reza was saying though Noah just rolled his eyes. “Kid if you think the way to my heart is food that would kill me, then you would be spot on” He grinned light heartedly taking the box out of the bag, and opening it. Wow, that looked interesting to say the least, but the smell was amazing. “Alright here goes nothing” Noah started picking up the burger thing as best he could and taking the biggest bit he could manage. And it was. Amazing utterly amazing and just, Fucking Reza Burki. Goddamn him. “Holy Fuck.” Noah breathed out still chewing, eyes blown wide in disbelief. “This is almost better than sex. Like. Seriously. And I’ve fucking had some good sex.” Noah practically moaned out taking another bite of the burger/pizza/thing.

So moving onto food had apparently been the worst possible change of subject but really, how the fuck should Reza have been able to predict... that. Was he squirming? No, thank fuck for this being literally the only time he wasn't fidgeting. Although not fidgeting might look suspicious now but with the way Noah was going at it, it was doubtful he'd notice anything. It didn't even seem like he was noticing those... sounds he was making and yeah, no, Reza could not take this for another second - fuck that. "Are we flirting?" he blurted out before his brain caught up to his mouth, and then his mouth simply went ahead and fucking continued. "This... whatever, the whole back and forth and joking and when I got to use your shower and, and... you calling me when you're drunk and talking about sex and doing... that." Reza gestured a bit too wildly in Noah's general direction, realizing that he was on his feet now and there was no stopping this immediate train wreck and after all the work he'd put into the apology, this was how he was going to ruin it? "Am I reading into it or not because not knowing is making me crazy and it's fine if you're not gay, or whatever, or if you are something not straight but not into me at all because I'm cool with... that but it's most of what I thought about for the last four fucking months and I can't not know. So... uhm..." The realization of his monolouge hit him like a slap in the face and Reza wondered whether vampires could pass out from sheer panic. "I... sorry."

Deep down inside Noah knew that this day would come, the one where both he and Reza would finally define their relationship for good or for bad. But what Noah didn’t know was at the exact moment it was going to happen he’d be stuffing his mouth with the most delicious pizza/burger/thing known to man. “What?” Noah mumbled out eyes completely in shock as the boy just kept going words flying out of his mouth. But see while Reza was choking on the weight of his confession Noah was actually choking. Like as in I was so surprised that you are confronting me about if i like you or not that the burger went down the wrong pipe and I can’t breathe I think i might die type choking. Because that was just Noah Kalani’s life apparently. Coughing violently Noah turned to the side, the burger all but abandoned in the box on his lap now. Damn it. Noah could feel this moment going south very quickly, the tears already welling up at the corners of his eyes as he went through his fit. But he tried his hardest to pull himself together and finally after what seemed like forever he took a fresh breath, his whole body shaking now with the effort he just exerted. Leaning back onto the hard wood of the porch porch Noah just well laid there, trying to catch his breath. And trying to make sense of everything that Reza was saying. Because it was true, they had been flirting and Noah was into him and probably bisexual as the day is long he just. Didn’t have the mental or the lung capacity for any of that right now. So he just laid there on the porch, breathing heavy and trying not to look at Reza.

If Reza had possessed even just an ounce of confidence upon coming to Noah's house, the last shreds of it had definitely gone up in flames at the sound of Noah completely and utterly freaking out at the questions. Because who wouldn't when berated with... whatever the hell had spilled out of Reza's mouth, he couldn't even remember what the fuck he'd said and Noah was... choking? Oh, no... Horrified of doing anything to make the situation even worse, the vampire just froze and dumbly listened to Noah's pounding heartbeat, like the stone in his gut was keeping him completely grounded. No, he wasn't actually choking to death - thank fuck. No need for any physical contact that would inevitably fuck things up worse, even though he doubted things could get worse than Noah trying to wheeze some air back into his lungs while doing everything but meeting Reza's pathetically desperate gaze. His mouth opened and immediately closed. There was nothing more to say except another pitiful "sorry." It was surprising that his legs actually held him up as he turned for the cycle, helmet and gloves abandoned for the sheer need to get the hell out of here. This had been a mistake, start to finish and as if to further verify that, Reza's phone was vibrating with a text. If he didn't check in soon and let them know why he was at an unfamiliar address, well... it was a good thing Reza was leaving, anyway.

Laying there Noah almost didn’t realize Reza was leaving until he heard the small sorry from the others lips and jolted back into a sitting position. Fuck. Reza was walking away, they were losing each other again, all because of some ill-timed choking and Noah’s inability to well. Come out essentially. And well, if he had had it another way, something better, he would have taken that. But it was now or never essentially and we wasn’t about to let Reza run away from this. Vaulting off the porch with his supernatural agility Noah closed the gap between them reaching out of any small piece of reza to sop the boy from leaving. “Reza” He called out grabbing the others hand. It was the first time they had touched since Reza came back and Noah could tell his heart was just going off the rails with the content, the wolf side of his brain now screaming good things at him and the human side of his brain screaming that this was a mistake. He should just let him go because all he was going to do was hurt him agin. Standing there though as Reza turned back to face him Noah just. Noah didn’t care about any of it anymore, and he just let the words fall from his lips. “It’s true I’m- I’m and idiot that flirts to much, and just loves too deeply and falls too hard and just doesn’t even know his own sexual orientation anymore because who would have thought he liked dudes now.” Noah paused feeling his heart start to beat even more widely in his chest. He’d never actually said it out loud and even just hearing those words. Internally he wanted to hide and never speak about this ever again, but for Reza’s sake he pressed on. Because to Noah no matter the outcome keeping Reza in his life was worth this risk, worth, someone knowing that their perfect little straight football jock kid may not be as well heterosexual as they thought. ”But I can’t.-“ He stopped again trying not let himself get so worked up that we was crying. Because yea that was sexy wasn’t it “Don’t. Please just don’t leave me” he whispered still holding on to Reza’s arm and unspoken again hanging in the air between them

Was this the way all genuine relationships worked? Or non-relationships or whatever the label was? Like a badly written scene from a B-class movie where neither character knew what in the actual living hell was going on? Reza very limited experience with any sort of relationship hadn't prepared him at all. Trying to deal with someone else's struggling feelings while also juggling his own was hard -- scratch that, devastating; and he'd been genuinely wondering just why the hell people continued to put themselves out there for this stupid, risky relationship thing when there were far more important things to worry about in life, when the answer arrived. In the form of Noah grabbing his hand. Right. Stupid, panic inducing risk equals a slim possibility of reward. Feeling a phantom pounding in his chest, reminiscent of when something had actually beat inside there, Reza clenched his jaw and turned back. His teeth were piercing the inside of his cheek (were there fangs too? Maybe, he didn't trust any of the sensory signals his body was giving off right now) and even thought there was no clear, vocal confirmation that Noah... well, felt the same, the implication was strong enough to make Reza's mouth go dry. Aside from the blood due to his cut cheek. "I won't. It's the last thing I wanna do right now. Or at all." Reza had never experienced someone wanting him around this vehemently. It was overwhelming, but something he wanted to get used to. Something he wanted to live up to, despite all the shitfuckery that was dropped on his life on a regular basis. He wondered whether he'd literally begun to shake before realizing it was his phone again. Shit. "I really... really need to answer this text. To not get a very pissed of Slayer in your driveway," he said softly, eyes locked with Noah's for the first time without the wave of awkwardness and uncertainty.

Standing there feeling more vulnerable than he ever had before Noah focused on Reza and the hand under his. He’d never noticed before just how cold Reza was, and how badly his werewolf blood just wanted to warm him up. holding onto that hand for dear life Noah could practically feel the vibration just as Reza had eyes still locked on the other. “Alright” Noah breathed out heart still pounding away in his chest a little. Squeezing the other’s hand a little the older boy managed to let go of it (it was a heavy mental struggle with that one though), trusting in Reza’s words and wanting to give the kid a little space to text his “bosses” or whatever they were. “I’ll just be over here uh then” Noah said pointing back toward their little area on the porch. The aftermath looking a little awkward. with the abandoned pizza thing just spilled haphazardly on the side of the porch from when Noah jumped up “You know cleaning the porch and trying to figure out how to tell my future kids that their dad initially kinda came out after nearly choking to death on a pizza hamburger hybrid” It was another joke, an awkward one at most considering they hadn’t really defined their well everything. But if their relationship was going to ever go back to the way it was Noah needed to get back to that place. And that place was flirty jokey, awkward and kinda utterly in love with Reza Burki. So thats what he was going to do.

Reza smiled gratefully before rushing to pick up his phone, eyes continuously flicking over towards Noah as if to make sure he wasn't just going to sneak off into the house or get one of his alpha buddies to come make good on that 'beat up the vampire' threat or whatever else paranoid thing Reza's brain could come up with. Instead of all that, the lovable mass of muscles was simply fiddling with the carnage of the calorie fest and awkwardly joking and Reza had no regrets whatsoever. Well, regarding this, at least. "I'm sure they won't be surprised by..." Reza trailed off as soon as he unlocked the phone, the three new texts worse than he'd been expecting. "I... can't believe I'm fucking saying this but I have to... go. Just to take care of a thing. Here, in town. For like a few hours max and..." Reza's hand ran roughly through his hair, frustration seeping from every pore. "Fuck, I'm sorry, just... Can I give you my new cell number? And address of my apartment, just in case and, uh..." he rambled while hastily typing out a reply and making his way closer to Noah again. "Leaving is literally the fucking last thing I want to do and... I'd tell them to fuck off if I could but... I'll call, okay? Soon as I'm done? Promise."

And there is was again. The other shoe dropping right out from under him as Noah was just picking up the pieces. Reza needed to go. Reza was going to leave again. Fuck. But this time was different, this time Noah was able to turn around and see the frustration on the other boy’s face, to see just how much he didn’t want to go. And for that moment it was enough. Meeting Reza in the middle Noah took the phone from his hand programming his own phone number into it. He was going to call him when he was done. And Noah was going to have to be ok with that. He had no other choice after all “Go kick ass for me ok” He said trying to smile at Reza, trying to be ok when he clearly was not. “And you don’t have to actually call or anything jut a quick text. Just so I know you got home alright” Noah nodded trying to quell the still ever present panic. Reza was saying goodbye at least. So even if Noah never saw him again it wasn’t a complete disappearance. “I’m-i’m going to hug you now ok” Noah said with a gulp not knowing why this whole thing was so damn awkward. I mean he and his friends hugged all the time, gave them out like candy to babies. But then again most of his friends also didn’t just confess to possibly liking him,, or whatever the hell the past ten minutes were. So there was that. Putting his arms around the other boy though Noah drew him as close as he could noticing just how much more of Reza there seemed to be now. Not that they had hugged or anything before. But still. Sniffing slightly Noah took in Reza’s scent for reference, mentally cataloging it in case he needed to go on a manhunt again, the possibility of Reza just up and leaving again never far out of his mind. “Stay safe” He finally whispered against the smaller boy’s head as he let him go, hoping that this wouldn’t be the last time.

It seemed like all that chaos earlier, the frustrated yelling and scathing remarks, had been enough of an outlet for both of them as the two very different boys had their first serious and calm conversation. Reza could have imploded with relief; Noah wasn't mad and seemed to actually believe him. It felt pretty damn nice. The feeling of complete implosion only got stronger when Noah wrapped his arms fully around him. The height difference made it so that Reza's head was nestled rather comfortably in Noah's chest; it was almost overwhelming, the raw smell of Noah that Reza had grown accustomed to, the warmth of his skin, the soft yet so damn firm muscles and the steady beating of a heart. Reza would have been content just standing here for an undecided amount of time, his own arms curling back around Noah's shoulder blades. But aside from the fact that hugging forever was just highly unpractical, Reza really did have to leave. And yeah, he most definitely had a very soft, content smile on his face as they broke the hug, his own skin feeling that much cooler without the Noah's warmth. "I will. And I'll call," he added, because Noah deserved more than just a casual text. Reza's phone vibrated again. With a very frustrated huff, he went for his helmet and gloves. "Talk to you soon," he called over his shoulder as he bolted for the cycle, a different kind of jittery feeling taking over as he left one nerve racking situation for another.

[deuce-duce]

"Your Effin Right Will Smith!!"

Now, I'm not sure how many of you believe in a destiny, a divine plan.... or that all of this has already been written. (Like the tail of a commet) Which could be the reason some can see into the future or claim to atleast... idk! None of us will truly know until... thee END!!

Throughout my life I have had some very magical/spiritual experiences, where I foresaw a lot of whats occurring and who it is I truly am. Now when claims to have experiences like this its easy for others and even the individual who had the experience to turn the other way and dismiss the vision as meerly happenstance or just crazy... that was what I did because it just seemed so unreal. It wasnt until My friend the Rasta Man says listen your probably not going to believe me... but I felt what you were feeling during the concert... now dont get me wrong it probably wasn't as intense but I could feel ya! I said not uh... he said yeah man!! Are you going to be ok...???? I remember being silent for a moment taking a deep breath trying to fathom everything this meant... then I let out a sigh... saying yea man ill be alright. Then it was off to Safeway for 🥭 Talenti!! 👈 more on that another time.

The woman i was with that night who I thought would have been my wife, told me it was the best experience she had ever had in her entire life!! Which makes me feel special to this day knowing that I shared a moment like that with her!❤🙏

On another occasion we drove an hour to the city for a show. This time the woman who knew exactly how to pull me up and make me smile even if I was down and out!!❤❤ not only was this also the best time she had, had in her life but she saved me from this guy because I kept trying to push my way to the stage. Haha crazy night! A lot of fun just Cray!! She told me she saw my aura that night!! I said really??? What did it look like it was really bright and It was the color...... (sorry). Beautiful soul on that young lady wish things didn't turn out the way they did... I blame myself because I freaked out when we were living together because it was when all of this started again... I didnt know anything about how it worked, why I couldn't remember and who the hell I actually was... all I knew was to kick everyone out!! She cared about me so much and I her. MISS U!!

I still think about them often and just want to say thank you!! ❤🤟

Back to present tense, well... somewhat. Im not sure how many of you know this but I have coincidentally ended up here on three different occasions...the two times prior had to of been a coincidence or... maybe... not!!

When I was running from the state I was born in because of very similar situation I find myself in now. It was February 2019 and after getting tired of driving I stopped at the park Downtown sat by the water where I met three girls after a short interaction we went our separate ways. I thought maybe I should go talk to them some more... but when I saw them again I had mistaken a restaurant as an apartment building and shyed away. Got in my car and left!!

The next time I was running again, same reason. I exited the highway at exit 4 and ended up at smoker friendly helping some kids who's tire had fallen off while they were driving... something caused the studs of the hub to be completely sheered off! I was like you guys can't fix that here... your going to need a tow. This was when their dad showed up and we came to the same conclusion... a tow was the only was to go. He tried to pay me for my time but I turned him down.

I then went for a hike/walk along the creek where I saw a sign that said the path forward is very difficult or something like that. Walked to the dog park turned around and said hi to a couple passed bys... as I passed a group of like five girls and their dog one was like you need to leave here... so I took to her warning stopped at the gas station before the highway entrance filled up and left.

So let allow me to correct myself this is actually my 4th time here... wtf this really is crazy! So I ran out of money and was stranded in a nearby state and went to the hospital they transferred me here to the emergency room I left and went back to the homeless shelter in the state I ran out of money. A couple weeks later I had an emergency room visit follow up. The doctor prescribed me a medication I thought would help. She told me if I came back here we could get to the bottom of what was going on... well... after getting 180 bucks doing finish carpentry I came to pick up my script and was planning on continuing to my original destination then I go around a bend a little too fast while it was raining slid into a curb and broke my axel... is that fate destiny a coincidence or meerly just an effed up series of events... I couldnt tell ya, all im saying is... no matter what, I continue ending up here... wtf! CRazy.......!!!!

Who am I?? Still not sure all I can tell you is I have been hated my entire life. Whether I was riding my bright yellow mongoose through the neighborhood with my walman on rapping and jammin or if I was maintaining a 3.95 for 2 years while in college. It has never mattered who I was or what I was, what I did. With all of those who hated there were so many who loved me!! Maybe silently but love all the same!! Just was never certain and have always thought it best to keep people at a distance not only for them but for me... all im saying is why hate me for just trying to be the best man I can be!?

This is the very first time that I have understood all of the working parts to the scenario we find ourselves in as I speak! What was wrong with me how it worked and how to keep myself safe. This has been the reason I have always run to escape from it but running is only an option when it alleviates the problem/problems your running from.

Fight or flight are the two primary trigger responses to traumatic events and in every situation leading up to where I am now that is the decision I have chosen to go with. Unfortunately when it doesn't matter how fast, far or suddenly you run, you only end up in another situation thats the same just different. At this point what does 1 do?? 1 can't run anymore it gets him nowhere. I just so happens this will be the time and place 1 spreads his stance sinks in his feet, puts up his dukes and prepares for a fight of Epic Proportions...

🤟✌

[fernsandsunflowers]

Hi guys,

I never really make personal posts on here but I wanted to talk about my little buddy somewhere that was both public and private at the same time.

This is Zorro, I was almost 11 when we first met. My parents brought him as a bday surprise for my brother. I didn’t know they were going to get him a dog so I squealed when I saw my mother sneak him into the pantry to hide him away. The moment my brother set off to stay the night at a cousin’s I ran to the pantry and knelt on the floor. He was hiding behind a kitchen chair, peaking at me from behind one of the legs. I called to him and he tilted his head staring at me, a little unsure…I called again and his mouth broke into a giant smile and he bounded towards me, missed the landing and crashed right into my leg. We have been inseparable ever since. That night we gave him milk, the same amount we used to make for a giant German shepherd we dogsat a couple weeks ago, and he drank the ENTIRE bowl. His tummy got so big it dragged on the floor and he couldn’t walk straight. I begged my parents to let him sleep in my room. They reluctantly agreed, and I ended up spending the entire night mopping the floors because he peed EVERYWHERE. My parents brought him for my brother, but he was always mine. He followed me everywhere, even if I was just walking two feet away. He would wait outside the bathroom door for me. when I was in school, he’d come to the gate by 1pm and sit and wait for me to come back home. When I started work, he would wait at the gate by 4pm. When he got older, he’d wait by the doorway of my room or in the tv room his head facing the front door.

He was the number 1 fan of pets, he hated when I came home smelling like other dogs, he loved little kids and would let them torture him to no end - when my cousin was born my aunt stayed with us and that was the one time Zorro didn’t follow me around, he would stay by the door to their room and bark or come call someone the moment the baby started to stir. I also have this seriously hyper kid cousin who used to just throw stuff at him and poke him, and he wouldn’t bat an eye, he’d go and sit by him and let him do his thing - He loved to eat chicken, his favorite fruit was mangoes, and he used to eat anything we gave him as long as he knew we were eating it too. He loved to roll around in grass, and pee on mom’s new plants. When he was younger and did something naughty and mom would yell at him he’d get his revenge by going to her favourite plants, carefully biting off a flower and going and showing it to her. He didn’t give a rats ass about thunder, he’d sleep right through thunderstorms, but he HATED fireworks. We’d have to tie him up and give him some Piriton to help him sleep, but he was never one to be forced into anything. For a small dog he was strong, he’d manage to break out, fight the sleepiness and actually try to catch the firecrackers. You’d think this is impossible, but I come from Sri Lanka, even kids handle fireworks in my country, and a lot of the time we use fireworks that go off on the floor. One of my favourites was this one that would spin like a wheel on the ground, one time he got loose and chased one of them down the street trying to catch it in his mouth. Half the neighbourhood ran after him screaming to try and get him away. I was in hysterics for hours. But he was fine, except for a few burnt whiskers… His sense of smell was never really the same after that - we’d play hide and seek and he’d run right passed me sniffing at the floor. He loved walks, as most dogs do. Sri Lanka also has a lot of strays and my neighbourhood has its own little gang of like 15 dogs. They’d follow us on walks from a distance and I’d always be terrified they’d jump on him. But Zorro completely ignored them and I later figured out that he was actually sniffing out and peeing where the other dogs pee… he’s just that salty. He had long hair that curled at the end and my Cats loved to play with them. They’d slide along the floor and attack him as he walked and he’d stand there and let them have their fun. He never once snapped or growled at them. He hated when I’d start singing, he would tolerate it for about 10 minutes and then would start huffing pointedly. It didn’t stop me from writing him and singing him a lullaby, he didn’t seem to mind that one so much. I used to play the piano when I was younger and he’d make me stop by jumping onto the keys and walking all over them. He once saw a garden snake come up behind me and attacked it. Another time, a bird got fried on the overhead street wiring and my mom kept it on a rock while she went to find her gardening tools so she could dig a grave for it. When she came back the bird was gone and Zorro was covered in dirt. He had buried the bird himself. You’d think this is nothing, dogs often bury bones and things, but this is the first and only time Zorro has ever buried anything. We have a rambutan tree in our home whose branches fall onto our roof, the two of us would climb up to the roof every fruiting season and sit and eat rambutan. He liked the bitter ones the most which worked out great because I liked the sweet. He loved sweets too, cakes and candies and the rare tiny piece of chocolate. We’d have to take care to never keep anything within reach of him… things used to mysteriously disappear anyway. He learned pretty soon that when he was sick he was more likely to get sweets, we used to hide his pills in cakes and gummies, so he would pretend to be ill. He’d limp a little when people were a round and act like he can’t get up. Dad’s favourite story was the time he caught Zorro, who we thought had somehow injured his ankle (he even whined when the vet touched his ankle, she said nothing seemed broken or twisted, it must just be sore because he slept on it wrong so prescribed him something for the pain), walking normally and start limping, on the wrong foot, when he spotted my dad. 

He was beautiful, his fur always shone and his hair was thick and long, he had little eyebrows and even eyelashes. I have never seen a cocker spaniel in Sri Lanka that looked as beautiful and as healthy as he did. You might say I’m biased but every vet we’ve ever been to and every person who’s ever seen him said the same. We had several little proposals for him but they never worked out. We had three girls brought home for him but he HATED them all. The poor things tried so hard to make friends with him but he lashed out at them. Eventually we stopped trying. My brother and I are pretty sure this was because he was gay. During mating season we’d sometimes find him staring longingly at the local dog gang (all male) through the bars of the gate. He loved Tuk Tuk rides because he was just too short to see out the car window. He walked the streets like he owned them and it showed, people would come out of their homes to fawn over him and he’d trot along, head held high. If he was in the way of oncoming traffic, no matter what the vehicle, it was clear that he would not move from it but the vehicle had to move for him. Every vehicle in the neighbourhood knew to make a nice, wide turn, away from his path because he wasn’t going to change his. About 4 months ago our garden wall was broken down for reconstruction and we had taken him out for his nightly pee and poop session. He was taking ages and mom and I were watching a show on tv. So we told him dad was on the way home and he’d let him in and went inside. He had decided to go looking for dad who worked about 150 metres away from our home. He’d one over the broken wall and made it to the main road. I was told that the Tuk Tuk drivers with the help of one of the traffic policeman had created a wall against oncoming traffic so he wouldnt get hit, and because he refused to let anyone touch him two men came running to our house to fetch us so we can bring him back home. Thank god he’s so famously known in town! He created a massive traffic jam and noone complained. Mind you he was deaf and blind at this point so we are pretty sure he simply followed dad’s scent because we have never taken him that way towards the main road before and dad’s the only one who takes that path and he was apparently very purposefully making his way to dad’s office building.

He grew to display behaviour so fundamentally similar to me that we were almost the same person. He hated potatoes, He loved chicken. He hated getting up in the morning and was most active in the night. He hated being helped, towards the end he found it difficult to get up, difficult to walk, but he always had to try by himself for several minutes before grudgingly allowing us to help him. He pretended to hate attention but loved being the centre of it. He hated having his picture taken and he liked baths only after he was in them. He was ticklish on his sides, he was grumpy in the mornings, he liked to go to places only for the ride, once we got to a place it was like ok home now. He was very mellow, he took everything in stride and never complained, he would be mad at you for approximately 2.5 seconds. He was friendly towards everyone but had his favourites… this showed. He was a little afraid of birds. He hated milk by itself and loved roasted dhal. He liked his bread buttered and only slightly toasted. He didn’t like being told what to do and would pathologically rebel, whether it was being asked not to sit during bathtime or being given sedatives at the vets before getting stitches (he was given enough sedatives to affect a much larger dog, but he refused to let it get to him and didnt even go to sleep that night). 

I should have accepted that his time was done, I shouldn’t have tried to force down his medicine. I think I caused him a lot of pain towards the end. I should have just let him be in peace. I shouldnt have carried him to the doctors every day. He hated being carried. I’m so scared that he hated me those last few days. I told him over and over that I was sorry, I just wanted to help. But a dog doesn’t understand all that. He’s gone now and and I caused him all that stress for nothing. And it’s breaking my heart.

He was my home for 14 years and 3 months and 9 days. I don’t really know how to be or do without him here. How am I supposed to want to come back home knowing he won’t be there waiting for me. How am I to sleep without the sound of his snores punctuating the air. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go to the washroom without hearing him padding to the door and loudly sniffing underneath it to see if I was there. I keep expecting to hear him bark softly from outside the door to let me know he was outside and not inside. I keep tripping on myself thinking he was lying on the floor and I was about to step on him. I couldn’t go to sleep yesterday because he didn’t wake me up in the middle of the night to ask for a midnight snack or to let me know he needed to pee.

There was a brilliant sunset yesterday, the whole sky turned gold as we set him down in his little coffin and decorated his grave with flowers. There was a rainbow too. People sent me pictures, saying it was a sign. I don’t want a sign, I don’t want him up there. I want him home with me where he’s supposed to be.

[painpro]

Maedis Even and Gil every number that ends with 2

warning for drug+abuse mentions

maedis

2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect?

thanks to cik its sort of becoming scarves

4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear?

he basically always wears his leather armor. other than that he just prefers tight fitting clothing to be Aerodynamic , but not fashionable tho im talkin like leggings and a henley

6. What’s your OC’s favorite animal? Least favorite?

DOGS!!! LOVES DOGS!! fish bad.

8. What is your OC’s theme song?

:)

10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC?

greed

12.  How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they?

LOL well youve all seen.... he is not very patient and gets irritated VERY easily. like hes rarely violent and can still recognize when people are his allies but he is a very very prickly guy

14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods?

good old imuran potato soup is good enough for him

16. What does your OC smell like?

pine and dog

18. What are your OC’s greatest fears? Weaknesses? Strengths?

fears: being trapped both literally and metaphorically

weaknesses: anything that has to do with being likeable or making a good impression (charisma 7.)

strengths: SNIPING 

20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do?

figure out the quickest and easiest way to make money legal or not

22.  What kind of student were they/would they be in high school?

dropout 

24. What is their outlook on life? What is their philosophy / what do they think in general about living?

Its Bad. he is just always prepared for the worst and if he ends up dying oh well

26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why?

you know...that big ol lizard that like CARES about him for SOME REASON

he doesnt like cezall at all but he did say some things at hardersfield that stuck with him

28. What kind of nervous habits do they have? Do they stim? Do they have any kinds of addictions?

he clenches and unclenches his fists when hes nervous or uncomfortable, and also bites his nails. he got over the drugs a couple years ago so right now NO good on him

30.  Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why?

no. its just not for him. he has never seen a positive marriage and doesnt get the point of it he thinks its human bullshit. he can barely take care of himself and the idea of a little gremlin following him around calling him dad stresses him out so much and its not like he had good model parents either

32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be?

just like... certainty and knowing he can 100% trust someone

36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

see this is complicated. he himself would say he doesnt want anything that bad bc he has kind of developed an aggressively apathetic way of viewing things to distance himself from them so it doesnt hurt when they die or leave ... but this question also strikes me as being about ambition, and he has None, he has kind of completely given up on himself and doesnt dream about doing anything anymore so im going to say probably really nothing he does not care about anything that much yet

38. What would your character do with a million dollars?

buy himself an actual house instead of living in a harry potter broom closet in the theater

40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with?

i imagine cik is probably taking him out. hed wear his normal armor but before leaving as an afterthought take off his red scarf and put on the black one cik got him

42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from?

made this chart for this very question

44. How does your character react/ accept criticism?

DONT LIKE THAT. usually with a “shut the fuck up” or “dont tell me what to do” he bristles a lot at that

46. Your character is given a voodoo doll of themself. What do they do with it? Do they see if it actually works?

god he would..at first be like “this is bullshit” then when no one was looking hed def try to poke it (he actually is curious about magic a little bit but would rather die than show it)

48. What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult?

hoo okay. his mom died when he was 2 giving birth to his little sister, they were left with their dad who was a hardass and super rough w maedis frequently . he always felt like both his dad and sister resented him and hey he didnt like them either and resented his sister for “killing his mom” 

basically he feels like he cnt trust anyone and believes everyone dislikes him by default , like you cant assume anyone likes you if your own family didnt

he also only has like 1 or 2 memories of his mom but theyre good and they had the same hair

50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count?

he would get high as FUCK ex-addict be damned . hed probs get so high hed overdose and die before his death date

gil

2. Does your OC collect anything? What do they collect?

he really likes like...pressed leaves and stuff like that. cool rocks. sticks

12. How patient is your OC? How hot-headed are they?

not super super patient, but more in an annoying “are we there yet” sort of way rather than being hot headed and aggressive 

22. What kind of student were they/would they be in high school?

the kid that brings his guitar to school. hed really like bio in theory but actually is not very good at the work and does not want to dissect the frog

32. If they could have one thing in the world, what would it be?

answers

42. Does your character have any scars? Where did they get them from?

not YET.....

[kosmicdream]

On a possible light note....did Simon ever get that spike dick???

Uh YEAH. for like.. what.. 20 solid years???? then on and off during the 30 years that followed. Knife and Spoon didn’t live together anymore during those last 30, tho.. But, they’d have a tumultuous secret confusing drama romance. Like..Sometimes Knife would just show up in Spoon’s apartment!!! at 3 am after giving Spoon the cold shoulder for like 3 weeks. This was both terrifying annoying and terrifyingly erotic for spoon, he was conflicted.

LET ME TALK IN DETAIL ABOUT SPOON AND KNIFE’S RELATIONSHIP THAT U PROBABLY DIDNT ASK FOR HEY-O.. ITS VERY LONG.. and detailed.. idk i just wanted to talk i guess

See like. the thing that happened… the MANY things that happened.. is that Spoon wasn’t kicked out of the apartment at -first.- He really tried to give it a shot… after being threatened.. But.. he couldn’t stop himself from being, bad. At the whole.. Being around a kid thing. Altho fork at first, was more of a weird pet furball dog?? Who was violent and like, Spoon had no patience for discipline. What made it worse is that Knife straight up wouldnt ever allow kissies and stuff around the kid. And they barely had any privacy cuz fork would just show up in bed!!!!!! so like. Spoon was almost 24/7 vibrating with lack of not only sexy touchies but also regular affection couple touchies. It was only for SPECIAL private times and that was really difficult w/ a hyperactive kid that is constantly getting into trouble. So for Spoon, It was a little unbearable…

His brain would be just firing off sexy scenarios CONSTANTLY which made knife be like CAN YOU NOT THINK ABT THIS.. ALL THE TIME because, knife’s basically a telepath. but spoon just couldnt not think about it. and then to make it worse is that Fork seemed to be able to sense Spoon’s feelings too and like. That freaked Knife out a lot. He did not want that around Fork.And like.. Spoon understood that a bit…kind of.. That he was a bit much. So he agreed to move out. He tried to make it seem like he wasnt being forcefully kicked out but it still kinda was because he wasnt allowed back without Knife’s approval. Knife also didn’t like to listen to Spoon’s opinions on how to raise the kid. So it made Spoon feel more like he was not involved anyway. Spoon was angry at knife like why did u even want me here in the first place huh?

And at that point their relationship was so vague, weird, Spoon didnt know if he was in the process of being dumped or maybe he had already been dumped and like.. he was so upset.. Anyway, Spoon started to sleep around because he could not handle the lack of attention anymore. He and Knife were very like.. exclusive? Romantically/Sexually.. And well. Knife didn’t appreciate this. He inferred it as cheating even tho they were sort of on “break.” Spoon felt very guilty over it but he tried to make his case that he made it very clear he wasn’t able to … do this!!!! be so exclusive while also not getting enough attention!!! Long distance flirting texting random nightime or office hookups are fine but it was always determined by Knife’s schedule and Knife’s schedule is random, incoherent and vague as fuck.

The thing that Spoon was always confused about is that Knife, the most serious about his rules and forgives no one, always.. kinda let.. Spoon get away with things that he thought never would..fly? like.. Basically Cheated on Knife by sleeping w/ other people.. yet.. Knife didnt cut Spoon out of his life. He’d get upset n not talk to him for a while but then theyd go back to talking every day, all day (They texted a lot even after Spoon moved out.)  N knife would try to adjust things abt their relationship while also not .. expressing why he felt hurt about certain things and that made it difficult for the healing to actually HAPPEn because spoon could not get him to directly open up, just would have to read between the lines to discern how Knife felt.. n Knife would apologize abt not being able to say things. then Spoon would be like well!!! its really me who should be apologizing! im the one who fucked up. hahaha.

But he couldnt. He didn’t know how, still. (That’d be the closest thing he could do besides pointing out how bad he was all the time.)

…..There’s a lot more to this part of the story, but I’ll save it for the comic.

Knife/Spoon were still very much a couple even tho they had difficult barriers between themselves (and living separately) for those 30 years following Fork’s arrival. Spoon wasnt exclusive to Knife w/ his sex life anymore but he still didnt.. even get crushes on anyone else. Cash was p much the closest thing because he grew to care abt her a lot.. but they were just best buddies.

Knife seemed to have no one else.  (Did he? who knows…) Once Fork got old enough he would try to get dates for Knife b/c he could tell his dad was incredibly lonely but, Knife was Knife and didn’t like anyone. He only wanted Spoon. He spent many nights laying in bed alone and with his hand patting the empty space next to him and wondering when Spoon would just officially move on to someone else. Part of him probably even wanted Spoon to do that, because it would be “better” for Spoon. But that feeling would also make him sick.

As Fork got more independent he felt more and more useless as his caregiver and wondered how he could piece his romantic life back together w/ his special person, knowing it could never be how it used to be. Wanting to just go back to how it was, somehow, While still including his new life in it. Knowing that he didnt know how to juggle his new insecurities and jealousy involving Spoon. He didn’t really know how to feel attractive anymore.. that was weird again. (it always is a bit weird but now it was just bottom of the barrel.) Spoon had so many friends now, maybe even more than he did before. He was popular around the office and Knife didn’t even bother doing his laundry anymore, now that Fork moved out too. Then Spoon would comment on that (with concern but also kind of teasing) and he’d feel embarrassed and sulky and go mope on the roof like a brooding anime guy. He didn’t even know why he was there. He felt useless to Fork and Spoon. He couldn’t even ask his own dad for advice because the dude mentally evaporated hundreds of years ago and there was No way he was going to ask Cash for help. Especially when Spoon was currently fucking her!!! lol!!! He fucking hates that robot, honestly. That has never ..changed in all this time.

Fork saw the signs better than Spoon did. He tried to push Knife to talk abt them and would show up at Knife’s place to cheer him up. Hed even stay over a few days and suggest living w/ Knife again. But Knife didn’t want that either. and it was extra awkard whenever Fork wanted to bring ppl over cuz Knife Didnt Like Noisy Company At All. So Fork had to just respect his NotmyDad’s wishes and give him space. Fork even tried to ask Spoon about ti and Spoon was mostly offended that Fork somehow could tell “something was up” as if FORK knew KNIFE better than him. Excuse me?????????? Fuck you Ill always hate you stupid hairball who ruined my life flips a desk kicks a foot stomps out of the room bitterly

Fork: SOMEONE JUST! LISTEN ! TO! ME!!! HELP! ME HELP! KNIFE!OR HELP KNIFE! SOMETHING DAMN IT!

Then Knife… vanished and Fork was like shit I knew it and Spoon unraveled .. and unraveled……..and eventually Boom’d as more reports came in that he was likely dead. Bad bad times.

BUt hey as we all know Knife is actually alive so let’s see how this all turns out huh?

[devirginme]

dear m,

this might be tmi, but my love life was a mess from the very beginning. i was never eased into kissing with a peck, my first time i was pulled into a full on french kiss. i was so shocked i remembered i needed to keep my eyes closed only halfway through. first time i cuddled was with a pretty much stranger and out of spite because my crush at the time jokingly said he hated me. and my first date, well you know that one in detail, was a complete nightmare of a double blind date. its like there wasnt much happening up until i turned seventeen, and then my love life felt the need to catch up to date big time so it started doing leaps. it skipped basics, went straight into the juicy stuff and was basically in a hurry. i was in a hurry, until i met you.

i know at the time you didnt know what you were doing really either and was probably just going with your gut, but you put things into place. you asked me out on a proper date. at least here, i had seen you in real life before and it was just you and me, no other couple. and then you kept making it better from there. asked me out on the second date before the first one had ended. let me hang out with your dog. you brought a frickin dog up to aberdeen just for me, oh my god. i know its not a lot since you know i havent been on many dates, but that was my most favourite one.

you took to cuddling slow but steady. i love how it just happened naturally. i think i have a thing for hungover cuddles now, might even prefer them to sober, drunk or tipsy ones. fun fact, while cuddling with the infamous stranger, i actually found out that we were both in the same philosophy class, so guess who couldnt avoid an obnoxious seatmate the whole of that semester.

look, m. i can go on and on about things i liked about you, but it wouldnt have much point. i dont really know what is the point of this letter. i guess theres a lot of things you dont know, some of them left unsaid because we never ended up chatting about what happened. like the fact that i actually was so nervous for the first date i had three shots of gin, when i told you i didnt pre at all. ive been dying to tell you that. its nothing much, but i kept it in my sleeve as a comic relief that i could flip out at the beginning of the talk. thats when i still thought we would have one.

by the way, i am not an alcoholic. i have never had so much alcohol in such a short period of time. ive never been a nuisance or a blackout drunk falling off her feet liability so many nights in a row. i would just be so nervous as to how to act around you, in a public setting or with a group of friends around, that the only thing that would take it off of my mind at the time was intoxication. and id cross the line, every time. sorry.

anyway, back to what you never got to hear. i didnt tell you that you were the right guy that came at the wrong time. good hearted enough to bring used glasses back to the bar. making friends with my friends. making me laugh. making me smile. making my stomach flip at the thought of your touch. a scorpio, out of all signs. yes, i do care about astrology and yes, i tried to hide it very unsuccessfully, i know.

the truth is, i was so busy helping solve other peoples problems, i didnt notice my own forming. i had this weird belief that in order to give advice to others, you have to have your shit together, otherwise your advice wouldnt have value. so i assumed i did. but ohhh was i wrong. i was troubled. scared to distance from my friends because of a boy. scared of those friends becoming closer between themselves and distancing from me in turn. scared of losing a friend because of his differing views on relationships and him never seeing himself in one, so he subconsciously picked friends that didnt either.

i lost that friend either way. we fell out. so that worry was quite pointless, i made it last three more months until the guy cut me out of his life for no reason. now hes spreading lies and turning all our mutual friends against me. exciting.

i was also insecure. im on these very strong antibiotics for acne and it just made me feel like something was off with me the whole time. chapped lips for starters. overthinking. hell, i was insecure about my music taste? i look back at myself now and just think, how dumb. my favourite artists are jeremy zucker and alec benjamin, if you ever wondered. and i listen to pop artists a lot, but mostly to their unknown sad and slow songs. i have a thing for that stuff. not because im depressed, but because that type of music seems more genuine.

my mom once said i have this thing where when something is wrong, i try to fix it fully on my own, without anyones help. only i take it to the next level, pushing everyone away and cutting myself off. being harsh, sometimes coming off rude. and never, ever letting anyone in. like when i couldnt sleep at night and you asked whats wrong several times and i said nothing several times, but kept looking visibly frustrated. i think thats what my fears and insecurities came to. i just cut you off trying to solve myself first, only to find you fully moved on and with a change of heart once i was back to normal.

that hurt. but it was also what you would expect someone like you to do after what someone like me had done.

im still learning as you can see, and it looks like this was a learning experience. im just really sorry i hurt you in the process, too.

youre a good guy, m. and you were good to me, as jeremys song goes. you should really listen to the live in ny version.

and lastly, it was good while it lasted. i hope you have fun in germany on your exchange. and i hope we can be back to speaking terms at some point. like when you came up to us at the library, that meant a lot.

you meant a lot. and now you know that.

see you around, i guess. who knows where well be in two years time, after my exchange and your exchange is done and we find ourselves in aberdeen again. i just hope that if you ever read this, it hasnt become even more awkward between us. stop by, say hi, bring some muffins for a change. or a zucchini, you freak. whatever floats your boat.

i hope i see you around

x

*insert link to you were good to me - live in new york*

[icharchivist]

so this is half fandom rambling and half personal rambling about (a quite  positive one actually) introspection over myself those past few monthes so *shrug* keep reading at your own risk

The thing about FP specifically, and i think i’ve already said it, that really talks to me now, is that they remain messed up people, with burdens, with heavy pasts for all we know, and some coping mechanisms that aren’t to say the best.

But instead of being focused on recovery like MTR can be, instead of being all focused on getting, on being better, they are focusing in enjoying the present regardless of what is weighing them down - not really thinking too hard about the future except for the fact that they are ready to stumble eventually.

Their focus isn’t as much on recovery as much as to be comfortable with the people they have become due to diverse sort of trauma - and taking this comfort and trying to extend it as they could.

They don’t ask to work on your trauma, they don’t ask to make steps toward recovery, they don’t ask you to fix the person you became. They just ask “take your time, take your breath, enjoy the sunset for a moment”

And the magic of this behavior as well is that, they /are/ getting better. They are opening up in ways they hadn’t before, there is room to grow. While it was never their focus, their choices of enjoying life as it comes step by step is paying off as at least /making step forwards/, even if they’re unsure where, even if they’re not completely healed from their past.

I think about it a lot, actually.

As someone with major depression/form of trauma/anxiety and all there is, i’ve always gravitated toward characters who were handling their trauma in some ways, more or less well. I’ve often gravitated toward characters who coped the ways i’ve done all those years. I also gravitate towards characters who feel a large amount of guilt over things they may or may not have reasons to feel guilty about, and how they’re trying to figure out how this guilt and this trauma left them and how to walk forward from here.

When i got into HPM, hearing from it at first, I thought i was going to gravitate toward MTR for those reasons. Because they are people who are traumatized in some way and are actively trying to improve their coping mechanisms. The motif of guilt can also be easily found with Doppo “all is my fault”, but especially Jakurai, whho after being an assassin decided to spend his life helping people, and still wondering why people struggle in finding their place between life and death.

I don’t really know how much just alligned perfectly in place as it did, i think it was a question of timing.

All my life i’ve been obsessing about finding ways to recover and always would fall furthermore feeling like i’m failing to recover completely. And the guilt is a funny thing because it keeps wavering between “it wasn’t your fault” and “it was and i need to atone in some way” with no in between.

But lately... I’ve started to take more distance with my family in general and not care for their problems. I’m not trying to do their damage control anymore. Thanks to my wonderful friends, i’ve currently managed to get back to school for next year and find a new flat away from my family along with the funds to live there.  I’ve moved away a couple of days ago and finish it tomorrow, as a matter of fact. Of course i cannot be sure it’ll be okay once i’ll get there, but it’s a huge step forward in at least trying.

It had been a long process to arrive there and the thing is that...

I don’t think i’m healed, of course, i don’t think i’ve recovered all that much, or at least i didn’t make the step toward recovery. I just ended up accepting “this isn’t the life i want to live” and accepted to find way to move away from this life.

Those past few months (before i really got into hpm but i think it helped) i’ve been neglecting “recovery” in the more basic sense of the term as i didn’t exactly try to fix my behavior, my coping mechanisms, whatever. I’ve just kinda decided “screw my environment that is pushing me to those stuff to start with” and did more self indulgent things, without real care about whenever or not it was something helpful for my health or no.

And there was something incredibly freeing about it.

self introspection is all well and done but it was bringing me nowhere. To acknowledge my  pain, the reasons of my pain, and to work against it, was a lot of work and was suffocating more than anything.

There is something extremely freeing about suddenly not really caring about whenever you, as a person, is recovering.

I don’t know.. i guess i make a difference between recovery and moving forward. And a lot of time we push people to recover to move forward but i also think that sometimes recovery will not budge if you don’t move forward first.

And moving forward means sometimes just accepting that Stuff had been bad, but i just want to enjoy this moment. Not work on being better on the long term, just on enjoying the little bit of life that makes me happy.

Even if it just means listening to music on repeat and dancing in my room all day without doing anything that would be great for my future per se. (and that in itself ended up very ironic since on the long run, just indulging completely in this “little thing” had me start to study Japanese more in depth and after years of trying to pick up the language i’ve only now, thanks to that, been able to make a lot of progress and starting to get somewhere there. Indulging in stupid little things even when it’s not exactly reasonable made me reach for something more concreete in the end)

Recovery is weird, it is very nuanced and there are different steps to take. A lot of time we focus on the most drastic ones. Sometimes people need to take those steps first. But sometimes they don’t, i think.

When I discovered FP more in depth I think this is what eventually rang with me. None of them are looking for recovery, they’ve all accepted they were lost causes. But they just want to enjoy the day as it goes. And without realizing it, they’re on the path to get better. And even if not, they are enjoying themselves. They are enjoying those present moments.

Trauma can skew with your way to perceive yourself. In my experience there was always a case of all those troubles arriving because of /me/, even if i know it comes from external fault. It’s easier to put the blame on something you have control over. Something you can more easily punish, especially when you feel guilt easily, and this person can turn out to be yourself. And no amount of repeating “it wasn’t actually your fault” can change that. No amount of people reassuring you about that can change that. And you can end up overcompensating, over doing things to atone for a thing you didnt do, and that creates more and more burdens.

However there is something freeing about just... shrugging it off. Like. Yeah. It’s a part of me, whatever, why should i be thinking about it now?

In a lot of ways I feel like FP is about regaining the control on their lives. Dice is all about living exactly the way he wants to, outside of society rules, refusing to be controled in any way. Gentaro makes up his life, he has entiere control on what part of himself he allows people to see, even more noteworthy when we know the gov is still keeping a close eye on him for some reasons. And while Ramuda is supposed to be the gov’s dog, he’s been carefully taking decisions for his own agenda to oppose to the gov’, regaining a bit of control on his life.

They may not handle exactly how their past had affected them, they may be wounded people and they may not be trying to heal, but they are reclaiming the control over this life. Not letting it be dictated by others elements. And we could say, so do MTR, but MTR do it on a much more personal level - on how the control on their lives they’re trying to regain is a personal, mental one. Hifumi tries to overcome his trauma, Doppo tries to overcome his anxiety, Jakurai tries to overcome his past (most likely at least). But FP tries to overcome the external part of their lives that had affected them, the environment that had shaped them.

I guess i was just lucky to get into hpm the moment i did, since it was the moment i started to stray away from my mother for good and all. In a way it gave me a comfort that there is way to get better by taking a non traditional route. That self recovery is all well and done but when it’s your environment that creates most of the problems, there are ways to first focus on this control of this environment before thinking about how you can improve yourself.

and finding little things to enjoy on the path to get better.

Now ofc it’s not only that that attracts me toward FP, and it’s not just things i relate to moreso as just narrative tropes i really like ahah

but i’ve been poundering about it a lot, since FP’s way to deal with their problems is very different from the characters i usually gravitate toward and MTR is right here, so i kept asking myself why it became this easy.

Why also for exemple while i adore discussing Gentaro and can much more relate to his anxiety about other people, his erg “past”, or even how he coped by creating fictions because “reality is often much more disappointing”, I end up finding so much comfort with seeing Dice having completely rejected any sort of control people could have on him. Ofc while still being reasonable because man all of FP are full of terrible decisions and Dice is the most unreasonable of them all (or at least his bad decisions stand out, I guess Ramuda is still in the game for “most unreasonable” but-) but in principle, there is something so reassuring about his type of character. Of he might be a fuckup but he  has 100% control over how much of a fuckup he can be alright.

I wonder to myself and i think, would have i been into the story a year ago, I wouldn’t have stanned the Posse. Or well at least i might have stanned Gentaro because liars who hide their true feelings is My Type, but i don’t think i would have gone as hard about them as i did. And well. Truth be told Stella cemented a lot the way i view the band so i guess one year ago even with my current mindset i may have not felt that from the Posse - that said, one year ago!me with current!content hpm may not have taken those messages out of it.

*shurgs*

Fiction is always funny because you can take out anything from it. There’s multiple layers that will talk to you in different ways.

I’m just kinda impressed this is what I took out of FP. Perhaps it’s just what i projected because they had a sort of freedom i was working onto getting, and it gave me fuel into achieving at least that.

Perhaps it’s also just the heigh of summer (since I generally get more depressed during colder seasons so warm seasons are not exactly a good measure of whenever i’m mentally stable or not), or the distance i took from my family, but i feel like i have a huge weigh off my shoulder, like i’m not getting anxious over nothing all over again.

I feel like i can just pause and breath and take a look out and enjoy the little things.

That it’s not about how things may get better in the future. Perhaps there are just good things to see as of now if you take the time to pause and breath. Enjoying the path as you walk it, not because you know it will bring you somewhere, but because you took those steps. If you feel better about enjoying the path, perhaps you’ll end up feeling better about where it’s leading and take the correct choices toward a possible recovery, without it being exactly a chore. Even if you stumble along the way. That you may not be at peace with the person you became, but that you’ll see how you’ll evolve as time goes instead of trying to fix yourself restlessly. Eventually you’ll fix some bits of yourself without even realizing.

This is a mindset i don’t think i would be able to have a year ago - and while i think i was starting to feel it, i don’t think i would be able to articulate it would have i not just end up thinking overpassionated and overfocused on FP and trying to overjustify to myself why i was gravitating toward them.

*shurgs* i say that with every media i get into, what sort of important step forwards it make me take. Tbh it makes me think about back when i was into d/a before the fandom made me too anxious to even want to talk about it again a h ah, but back then i was feeling “this is at least the one thing i have control over that doesn’t make me anxious” - to be able to make choices that can bring to good outcome, which was more choices than i was allowed back then. And now i’m thinking about how those past few months had been about reclaiming all sort of controle i had over my life - not just the one i managed to allow myself to have, all of it.

I can justify every pieces of fictions i’ve ever been REALLY into in regards of how i was dealing with my environment and my trauma in term of how it had shapped me for the better, all of them being steps along the way to recognize and accept my own self. I guess this is just a natural progression as it goes.

Perhaps it is what recovery is, and i’m just finding words around because I have a specific view on self recovery in my mind and i beat myself up too hard for not following it specifically, so i need to find ways to justify how this is different.

But i’m feeling like i’m breathing again. Like i’ll be okay taking a few more steps in the dark now.

Perhaps that will make the world more interesting.

[datingadviceonreddit]

So, I met this guy, he's 25 and I'm 19. I met him in my first semester at uni, while he was in his second last. We met in a very absurd way, in which I approached him first as a joke, while I was wearing a jughead crown and asked him (he was just a random person walking past me that time) if he recognised who I was dressed as. I felt oddly attracted to him since that very day. Admited it was also because he is smoking hot and talked liked a proper gentleman. He started greeting me/waving at me every now and then after this and I developed a very, weird odd crush on him. Its difficult to explain. However, I used to linger outside his classes, as I didnt have any other way of seeing him, he barely spent any time in uni. Basically, the probability of him & I ever happening was 0 at that point but I tried. One day I bluntly went up to him and asked him to join me for lunch. He said yes and we spent more than an hour or two together. He asked me how old I was and he was a little caught off track at my age. It has bothered him since. Anywho, a few days later I asked him for his number and he bluntly walked away and said no. So heartbroken I gave up and winter vacations started and I assumed I was over him and that he'd be gone and graduated when I came back. On coming back, I ended up seeing him on the first day. The next day, he approached me and asked me to accompany him to get coffee. Shocked, I said yes. We spent a few 40 or something minutes together and upon asking him why he was hanging out with me, considering he'd just told me he doesnt hang out with people a lot, he said "you're different". Confused but flattered, I was like, alright, I'm just going to go with the flow with this guy. We started hanging out every now and then, and he ended up being in my group of friends' philosophy course. We hung out one on one many times, as friends, a lot. He also ended up drawing me for his art class and while doing so called me beautiful and gave me random compliments. One day while hanging out, he bluntly told me, that he knew I had liked him but we could never be together because of our 6 year age gap and that he'd experienced a lot and to him, I was a kid, but he loved to be friends with me. Broken, I said okay, and we exchanged numbers. Few days passed, he started befriending my friends, and introduced one of his other friends to us. He started hanging out with my group of friends (obviously with me) on a daily and quick enough we became super close, as a group. The only difference was, him & his friend, drank alcohol every now and then and did weed. We didnt, not because we didnt have opportunities, but because we never got into it. This, according to him was a blocking factor between him & I as well. We became super close. One day, he texted me drunk at 2am, followed by different incidents of the sorts. We never confronted these face to face, but my friends started to mention how he might like me as more than just a friend. I didnt exactly believe it, because Im a doubtful human, and his declaration of our age gap being too much. However, one day we were alone, and we started talking and our conversation got sexual. Now, I'm a virgin, and he's been with MANY women in his past. And we got really close until he jumped back and started shaking his head no. This moment, he admitted he has lots of sexual feelings for me, as do I for him. Howver, he doesnt want to have sex with me, because of me being virgin and pure and too young. He said he has to distance himself from me, but I really started liking him, even just as a friend, so I told him that wasnt an option for me. We agreed on being just friends. Things got intense after this, a glimpse, a touch, an excuse for a phone call, friends purposedly leaving us alone, hugs getting longer, hangouts getting longer, and during this time we ended up developing a very strong emotional connection. Our friendship got stronger, as did our feelings for each other. We started hanging out alone, in a seclluded hockey ground where we started off by just chilling, but started lying down together, watching the sky, reading together etc. By now my friends were certain he liked me a lot.A few days later he hung out with another few mutual friends, and they came to me later to tell me that throughout all he talked about, was me, and how Im a beautiful human being and hes never met someone like me etc, and he started texting me asking me why I wouldnt show up at such hangouts.weeks later we ended uo going to a music fest together. And that day, I drank with him for the first time and it was the most beautiful day ever. We danced together, sang together, experienced live music, just generally had tons of fun and we got very intimate. That night while we were sitting together, he kissed my head and bit my cheek randomly. Now I was sure he liked me.Weekend passes, and next week, he becomes distant and a bit off. We hang out, the 'same', except I start resting my head on his shoulder, he starts picking me up, spinning me around and just, getting real close. None of us talks about the weekend until one day we break and he asks me "What are we even doing?" and we get into a heated argument, where he confesses he really wants to ask me out, take me home, lie me down get some wine and just be with me. He ends up saying he doesnt even care about the sex, he just really likes me. But then he says I cant give him what he wants, like being able to spend the night at his place or show up at his place whenever and shit. While, yes I couldnt offer him that right now, it was something I would be able to offer in a while. Then he brought up the whole, he has to graduate and go abroad for 3 months problem. Confused, both of us came to no solution. He suggested we stayed friends until he came back and then tried this out, but then he declared hed hook up with girls in this time and I wasnt okay with that and he understood that. So we came to no conclusion, until I told him we could be just friends, until he came back and he could be with whoever, but then he himself told me he couldnt do that because it would hurt me. A nervous wreck, both of us just went and hung out with the rest of our friends and didnt continue this conversation. Things seemed okay until next Monday he didnt show up to uni and instead asked me to come over to his place. Nervous, I quickly got my things and went over. We started hanging out and just chilling until he started cuddling me and we ended up making out. It got real hit and heavy, clothes off, hands all over and went on for a bit until we stopped. We got high together that day as well and then he took me out on a date to get the best pizza, and we drove around for hours. It was the most beautiful day. We started hooking up almost every other day until one day I thought we'd have sex, but he told me he couldnt do that to me and thats not something we needed to do. We went on dates, he made me breakfast in bed, Id play with his dogs, his house staff recognised me now and people started to see us as a couple. We started dating. Until one day, we stopped. He started ignoring me a bit, I started losing my shit. This went on for a week until I confronted him and he told me we couldnt date. He said he started off thinking we could be just fuck buddies until he realised Im not that girl, and that I was a relationship girl and he would want me to meet his family and stuff, but he couldnt introduce me to them because, I looked TOO young and I made him feel like a kid from school, by having to sneak me in, take me home during daytime and stuff. Hurt, I ended up begging him to not leave. He said he wouldnt, but we'd be just friends. I said alright.Next week, he stops coming to classes, I start hearing about how he's drunk a lot and how hes sick. Worried I start calling him asking him to come to uni and stuff. He delays responses and I panic again. The thing is, we had barely 2 months before he left, and both of us had fallen hard for each other, the problem being, Im anxious as FUCK and he's calm. One day I end up telling him to see me the next day because I HAD to talk to him. We met and I bluntly told him, that we were just friends, I wasnt going to make any move on him now, apologised for coming off all clingy and that what happened, happened. And that Id love to give us a shot later when he returned, but until then, just friends. He calmed down and we went back to being normal. We hung out more and stuff until we, once again started getting physically close again. And now his friends told me how hes never been this way with a girl, and they started recognising me more, and asking me about where he was and stuff as if I was his girlfriend. We started hanging out, getting drunk together again and getting close and personal. He started going back to being a little romantic, and while he tried hiding it, it was obvious. One day we ended getting too close again and not sexually, our closeness just became intimacy. He ended up dropping me home one day and meeting my mom and promising her that he'd come over again and said hed have dinner with my parents before he left. His friends started telling me how Im all hes about and how hes genuinely in love with me and I, with him. We're going through a weird back and forth, where hes telling me hes going to be back in september amd how we should all go on trips together and shit. 2 days pass, and he starts being a little cold again. Everything seems fine, until a few days ago we got too close again and he bluntly says how him & I can never happen. I ask why and he says the age gap is too much. And he doesnt know when or if hes coming back, after when he goes abroad.The thing is, Im very much in love with him and him with me, and hes bluntly declared how he doesnt want any other woman, or hes sick of just sex, and how he doesnt have time for relationships etc, and his friends keep saying how hes too hooked on me to ever be with someone else.How do I deal with this? I have a strange feeling he thinks, I only want him for sex and that he'll never come back and that both of us will never move on and will always want to be with each other, but his age insecurity will hold him back for quiet a while. Im hurt, scared and confused. How do I be patient with him? via /r/dating_advice

[viralhottopics]

The Riverbed exhibition: photographs of a secret Spanish mountain commune

Photographer Ben Murphy looks back on his 10-year study of a community of British punks, hippies and nomads living in Andaluca

In his letters, he described it as paradise. Eventually, after months of exchanging hand-written notes via a PO Box, the unnamed man granted Ben Murphy an invitation to the place known as the Riverbed. It was the summer of 2006, and they met in a small bar in a hilly town in Andaluca, south-eastern Spain. It was already evening and it was dark, Murphy says. He was very suspicious of me a stranger coming to his territory with a large camera. He grilled me: Who are you? What are you doing? Why are you doing it?

Murphy, a 56-year-old photographer from Derbyshire, had been exchanging letters with the man for months, after a written introduction from a mutual friend. Murphy was there, he told the man, in the hope of understanding, and documenting the Riverbed a highly secretive commune of countercultural British settlers living in a dried-up riverbed hidden deep within the mountains.

Finally, the man invited Murphy to join him in his beaten-up truck, and they drove further into the wilderness. After an hour, they took a sharp turn off the road and bumped along an unmarked dirt track. Through the darkness, I started to become aware of trucks, vans, coaches and makeshift homes along the edges of the road, Murphy says. I could see bonfires, dim lights, people gathered around drinking and smoking. I felt like I was on the set of Mad Max.

Pans home: The evidence this was inhabited came from the objects a clothes hanger, possessions held down with rocks. Its a British van, you can tell from the number plate and GB sticker. Pan did not come out of his cocoon while I was there. His windows were blocked. Pan is the Greek god of wilderness and lives in Arcadia. His hind quarters and legs are those of a goat; he has the torso and horned head of a man.

Murphy was given a hut to sleep in. He bedded down on mud and straw and discovered the next morning that hed been sharing the space with a donkey. Over the coming months he met and became familiar with the mostly British citizens who have made this strange community their home. No one had ever photographed this place before, and Murphys resultant series of pictures is about to be exhibited in London.

Some of the people were pretty intimidating, Murphy admits, choosing his words carefully when we meet in London. But there were also lots of hippies and punks and hedonists and nomads. They were all trying to escape something, and they all believed in something too.

Jess and Robe, 2006: A British couple lived here with their family. They were, I think, employed as teachers in a town a couple of hours drive away. They ran the yearly Cannabis Cup, where samples were judged as if in a village fete. In the centre of their caravans awning was an old, broken television, which they used to frame a tableau of the Last Supper with TV personalities from the 1970s and two dogs copulating. A couple of years later they had moved on, but had left most of their vehicles.

The people Murphy photographed were the products of various generations, cultures and nations: from across Europe, North and Latin America, as well as an autistic boy and his mother from Israel, and a former porn star from Japan. Some came from wealthy and privileged backgrounds and arrived there craving a simpler lifestyle. They were all in search of a similar idyll a desire to reject everything we consider to be normal, and to live a life ungoverned by authority. For everyone, it was a very personal choice to be there, says Murphy.

The only rules were unwritten. Anyone can set up camp. But if you do something deemed antisocial, like steal, deal bad drugs, or become violent, you will be forcibly evicted. I remember seeing burnt-out trucks, and people didnt like me asking about them.

The Volcano, 2015: This was Francescas guest house, made of mud and straw. It was just big enough for two people. There was a skylight for stargazing and it had a wonderful view across the ravine. It was very integrated with the landscape, even though it looked like an alien craft. Everything Francesca made was carefully considered. I think she was deeply concerned about her impact on the planet.

But many of the people, he stresses, were extremely welcoming. A few days in, he came across a young girl as he walked along a mountain path. I told her my name and asked for hers, and she said: Oh, I dont really have a name, but you can call me Happy. Then she asked me for a hug.

As he slowly gained their trust, Murphy began to photograph the people of the Riverbed. Using a 5×4 large format camera, he took conventional portraits at fir st. But after numerous trips, over the courseof 10 years, he began to focus on a type of portraiture that excluded the inhabitants.

The exhibition at Londons Architectural Association shows the homes that the 50 or so people have built. Some have constructed Hobbit-like dwellings with composting toilets, solar lights, animal pens and vegetable patches. Others live in a state of ramshackle chaos in decrepit, broken-down vehicles or improvised tents, with detritus strewn all around. Every few years, the riverbed floods and the homes must be rebuilt from scratch.

Crusty Mark, 2006: Crusty Mark was a charismatic British neo-punk traveller who spent his days making distorted, post-apocalyptic sculptures from recycled materials. His sprawling encampment seemed more outwardly confrontational than others, with a junkyard aesthetic. Every day he would work on his art, or career around in an antique buggy, towed by one of his shire horses. He looked like a Roman charioteer. As with many of the others, he and his bricolage of objects had disappeared when I returned a couple of years later.

There are people who work and make regular trips to the local town to buy food and amenities such as gas, batteries and tools. Others forgo any sort of monetary transaction and rarely leave the commune. Some people were deeply conscious of their surroundings, and very concerned about where goods came from. Others just seemed to be motivated by a hedonistic lifestyle, recalls Murphy.

His photography series examines how such homes mix the residue from our wider world with the minute demands of a self-sufficient lifestyle unencumbered by any sense of cultural norms. Everyone there has to compromise. To achieve any sense of domesticity, they have to contend with an often harsh environment. And they have to contend with our globalised society, which they still, in many ways, have to rely on. So theres always a tension between this thirst for freedom and the practicalities of such a remote and unforgiving life, the need for things like electricity and gas and clean water and everything else so readily available to us.

Alpha and Imani, 2006. Alpha and Imani are the children of a hippy couple from Britains 90s party scene. Their childhood was spent in the commune. Their bedroom and play area was inside the 1970s British coach originally driven down there by their parents. There are signs of the familys British roots: the books, the number plate, the painting. Perhaps it is a reminder of where they come from, the cultural attachments that remain, even as they want to distance themselves.

But Murphy believes we can learn from the people of the Riverbed. We are all being encouraged, and possibly forced, to live an unsustainable life, he says. The people I met are on the whole decent, compassionate and resourceful, and they care about the planet more than most of us. They may not fit into our society, but we have to be willing to accept such alternative views. They can help us think about our relationship to our home, and our own sense of freedom.

The Riverbed is on show until 31 March and from 19 April to 27 May at the Architectural Association Gallery in London. A limited edition photobook is available from phenomenology.org.uk

Read more: http://ift.tt/2mF7JTm

from The Riverbed exhibition: photographs of a secret Spanish mountain commune