hamahsjournal

[hamahsjournal]

Anyone out there ever delt with internalized homophobia? How did you deal with it?

[hamahsjournal]

Um... so like how do you come out to your religious family??

[hamahsjournal]

Help!!

Sooo I'm like pretty sure I'm bi. I'm for sure bi-curious..

So, question for my LGBTQ+ mutuals do you all tell anyone you were curious or questioning or did you wait until you were 100% sure?

Basically I'm asking is it okay to talk about this with say my family or my friend who's gay? Or do you wait until you're 100% sure?

[hamahsjournal]

Bi or wrong guy?

I've had so many guys that say they love me and are ready to marry me. They always treat me right and are the absolute sweetest but no matter how HARD I try I can NEVER find them physically attractive. Going out on dates with them stresses me out and gives me anxiety. I always love the conversation and hanging out but any move at physical contact or ramantic shit freaks me out. I dont even crave it from them! Why though??? I'm so tired of this... this only makes me think even more maybe I am bi? Or maybe I'm with the wrong guys? Idk...

[hamahsjournal]

Stockholm Syndrome

I have perfectly good men, great men to be honest, who want to be with me. Like, pay for dinner, hold the door open, buy you flowers, great. Men who care about me, want to talk to me, who call and text me. Yet, they aren't you.

When I look in their eyes they aren't your dark brown ones that drew me in years ago. When they hug me it's not in the same way you did. When they try and kiss me all that goes though my mind is "you're not him.."

I hate it.

I hate that I've allowed myself to love you so hard and for so long that no one can ever amount to you. Even though you dont call, you barely text, you dont hold the door for me, buy me flowers or care how my day was. And yet, I dont care, because you're you.

I love every little thing about you. Even when I hate you I love you. Even when I think I've moved on and am ready for someone else you always manage to creep back into my life and say the words that draw me back into your hurricane of a life. I. Love. You.

Three stupid words that drag me back everytime.

So, congrats. You've broken me. You've ruined me for anyone else. But worst of all, you've ruined me for myself.

I live all consumed in your life of lies and chaos. Unable to escape. Constantly drawn back no matter how badly I want out.

You're the negative that my positive is drawn to. The nightmare to my daydreams. The hell to my heaven.

I love you and I hate you. Everything you are holds me hostage. But I'll never escape and somehow that's okay in my fucked up brain.

[hamahsjournal]

Do businesses have the right to tell them they’re not allowed to enter with guns? Because if I see that, I’m leaving the restaurant, club, store, whatever - without paying.

[hamahsjournal]

Stop, Please, Stop

I wish you would stop. I wish you would stop looking at me, with much care and shine in your dark eyes. I wish you would stop wrapping your arms around me so tightly, as if to not let a bit of the outside world touch me and take the moment away from us. I wish you would stop running your finders though my dark hair with that small smirk on your face as if my hair is the most amusing thing to you. I wish you would stop thinking talking about our future that is so far fetched and crazy its inviting.

I wish you would stop telling me you love me. Because you dont. Love is more that words, and though your words keep telling me you love me and I keep running back to you like the foolish girl I am, you do not love me.

I see the way you look at her. Your eyes light up nust a bit more than the do with me. I see the way you hug her lo her than you hug me. I see the was way you play with her longer curly more beautiful hair. I hear the way you talk about the future with her and I am not apart of that future.

You may think you love me, but you dont. If you did you would have chose me and would be with me. But you didnt, and that's okay. I can live with that. But what I cannot live with is you continuing to do all these things that lead me to believe you love me, when dont.

I wish you would stop. Stop telling me you love me and miss me. Because when you do it reminds me that I love and miss you and for me it's real. Its Hurst to think about how much I love you, but know you will never love me the same. It hurts to know that you love her more than me. You're hurting me. Your love hurts. And I need it to stop. I need you to stop.

So please stop the texts and calls. Dont hug me or smile at me, please just dont. Cause with every little glance or touch I fall apart just a little bit more. And soon there will be nothing of me left.

So please..

Stop.

[hamahsjournal]

Who am I?

I’m trying to figure out me. Who I am. It’s a cheesey saying that people use all the time that I use to roll my eyes at. Until, I looked in the mirror one day and no longer recognizing myself. I thought I was an average looking, kind, funny, popular, artistic, Christian, straight, girl.

Now, I look in the mirror confused. I feel ugly, abrasive, alone, sure that God loves me and I love Him, but I am not Christian, I question my sexuality now.

But I’m 18. An adult. I’m suppose to be an established person by now, right?

My mom was married and about to be pregnant at my age. But me? I back out of dates and relationships because of my crippling anxiety and hide myself away in my room with my art. I paint rainbow flags, but not because I’m gay, but because im an ally. I’m straight, I just support the lgbtq+ community, right?

I hurt myself physically and mentally when I think I’ve hurt someone or someone’s hurt me. I cant control my emotions so I take control with pain. It’s stupid.

I look in the mirror and pinch at the fat on my stomach and my hips and my thighs and my back, wishing I was beautiful like my sister, or the girl in the grocery store, or the girl I use to go to school with, or the girl in the car next to me while sat in traffic.

I look at my current life, my life in the past and my life coming up and all I see is a cycle of ‘not enough’. I never accomplished anything because I’m not the person who’s good enough, smart enough, kind enough, tall enough, skinny enough, athletic enough, talented enough I’m never enough. I always fall just a little bit short.

That’s me. But I dont want to that to be me, that cabt be me, right?

I’m trying to figure out me. At this point in time I dont know who I am. I live on safari taking quizzes like 'Am I depressed?’ 'Am I gay?’ 'Do I need counseling?’ 'Am I bipolar’

I’m trying to figure it out. Find out who I am. Because the honest truth is, I have no fucking clue, who I am, who I love, who loves me, nothing. I dont know me. But I want to get to know me, because I’m tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger

[hamahsjournal]

The Boy That Broke Me

This is an odd story, in an odd setting, in a odd situation. But, unfortunately, it's my situation and writing about it is the only healthy way I know how to cope with the pain I feel every day.

I guess it started when .y family and I moved to a place I now call home, El Paso, Texas. My family moved from Maine to Texas to work in Jurez Mexico along side a couple we knew who were running an orphanage down there.

The move was hard on fifteen year old me. I was pulled from the only life and friends I ever knew and secluded in a completely new and different city. I fell into my first ever hole of depression. My depression rarely allowed me to escape from my bed, but before things got too bad I went and helped at the orphanage with my parents occasionally, that's when I met him.

My sister and I were in back of the orphanage sitting on the swing set while the kids were down for their daily rest time. A tall, lanky, good looking Mexican boy, who we'll call jose, started walking over to us. Now, let me emphasize, the fact he is a Spanish speaking Mexican and I am an English speaking American. I dont know what drove him to walk up to us bit he did.

He walked up to us and began speaking a confusing fast r rolling filled language I didnt understand at all. I think finally he got that neither my sister or I had no idea what he was saying. He smiled then and motioned to the ipod touch in my hand and said "wif-y?" To which I said "Que?" One of the five Spainish words I knew at the time. After going back and forth for way too long we finally realized he was saying Wifi and asking if my ipod was connected to the wifi. I told him "si, its connected" #spanglish . So after we laughed off the extremely awkward situation I handed him my ipod and he opened Google translate for us to be able to talk. He told us he was eighteen and worked at the orphanage. To be honest I don't remember much else of the conversation due to my embarrassment of the wifi situation.

We didnt see much of each other during the year my family lived in el Paso due to my crippling depression that only worrsend. But we were friends of Facebook and kept up to date with each others lives through the internet.

After a year of living in Texas and Mexico my family moved back to maine for reasons. My cousin, who's ten years older than me, still lived down there in the orphanage working fulltime there. So she formed a friendship with Jose and another girl who lived full time there.

In the fall of 2017, I was seventeen, I decided to make my first ever solo trip down to mexico to stay and work in the orphanage. I feel in love with it! I feel in love with the country, the kids, the language everything. You see I was so caught up in my lonely, dark world of isolating depression I never got to experience that amazing place. But what is more important to this story is I got really close to jose my cousin and friend. Like really close, like they were all my best friends.

I started to like jose as more than a friend though. He was an attractive, sweet caring twenty year old who was amazing with kids, how could I not and we were finally starting to be able to communicate! But I kept quiet never saying anything in fear of losing or messing up the friendship I had formed with the three after years of being alone.

So, after three months I returned home with a crush and new close friends. During the time I was gone though, my cousin became close to jose, like real close. Awkwardly close for someone she constantly complained about having to 'take care of', constantly texted her and acted young for his age.

I returned to the orphanage in august of 2018 after my eighteenth birthday. I continued working with the kids, loving it and rekindling my friendship with jose my cousin and our friend after being away for months.

Things were going great! But my feelings for jose were only getting stronger and stronger but I pushed them away. That was until December of that year..

My cousin was gone back to Maine for the holidays visiting family leaving jose our friend and I behind. One night jose and I were sat put back, building a fire to have smores with the kids later on. While sat by the fire though, jose turned to me and began to g me how he really liked me, actually he loved me, has for a long time. He saw us having a future, little house, kids, a dog thee whole lot!

My stomach was in my throat at his words. I remember the uncontrollable smile that was plastered to my face. It was like a stupid fairytale! I've had a crush on this boy that I was forced to repress for years scared of rejection and ruining a friendship a cherished. But I no longer had to because he also liked me, hell he said he loved me!

But I tried to be smart. I told him how i really liked him too but wanted to take things slow and not do anything until one of us moved out of the orphanage and we were no longer living under the same room, with our bosses, the directors, who we knew would have a pretty with us dating.

So we were in a weird we like each other but aren't dating faze for a while. I told our friend everything that had gone down by the fire and she was happy for us! She explained her hesitation with our living together and our odd situation but said as long as we didnt do anything stupid she supported us and was happy for us.

I was living like I was in some dumb romance novel, working a job I lived with a boy I started to like move and more with ever passing smile he would throw my way. That was until my cousin returned from her trip home.

Apparently jose had told her all that had gone down while she was away and she was not happy. She had a strange obsession with him that she claimed wasn't her liking him just her being protective.

She cornered me while we were making a meal for the kids one day and to give you all the short version, said I was trying the dynamic we had as friends, jose and I's relationship was inappropriate, we shouldn't ever do anything and it was not okay with her nor would it ever be.

This yet again triggered my uncontrolled depression. After the lecturing I escaped to my bathroom and picked back up an old habit I thought I had long left behind. I cut my hips and my sides, slumped in a ball of heart broken tears. Being the kind of person I am I took on everything she said and I hated myself.

I made sure to distance myself from jose afraid to hurt her again, which would intern hurt me. Jose eventually cause on and asked what happened I explained in a teary mess and he promised to talk to her and make things better. Well they didnt get better.

A perminant wedge was pur between my cousin and I and jose and I. I spent my nights crying hurting with my friend and spent my days hearing jose tell me how much he loves me while my cousin hated me.

My breaking point came when one day the director of the orphanage asked me to run out to the store for her to which I said sure let me see if jose and my cousin want to come and then I'll go. She then told me not to bother by cousin because she knew she was really stressed with all the work she had to get done, as she was a school teacher.

I agreed and called jose to ask him to join me. He came and while we were on our way out my cousin came out and asked "why are you guys trying to sneak off without me". Jose and I exchanged confused glances and I explained to her what had happened and that we were not trying to "sneak off".

You see, this is what she always thought. That I was constantly trying to take jose from her. That I was trying to be alone with him and have him all for myself. When in reality I was pushing him away to make sure I never did that and to keep our friendship intact.

She went on saying how it really felt like that's what we were doing. I again, told her it definitely was not and she was more than welcome to come with us (keep in mind we are going to the gro very store not a fucking resort). So she came along and ignored us the entire time. As I was getting out if the car when we returned home they mentioned going out to grab a drink before we had to get back to work.

I told them I would come but I wanted to invite our friend first, unable to be in the same room with the two of them acting like they were dating right in front of me. Cause this is how they always were. She wanted to be with him so badly she acted like his girlfriend around her and he allowed it.

When I got to my friends room to invite her, though I broke down explaining g the whole situation. My cousin hated me and jose kept saying he loved me while going around acting like her boyfriend in front of me. It felt like I was slowly being ripped apart from the inside out and my cousin didnt care at all that she was hurting me so much.

When my friend and I got in the car again my cousin called me a bitch for sneaking off without her and my friend lost it. She went off on my cousin defending me. No one had ever done this for me before. I wanted her to stop because I didnt want to add to the drama but i also wanted her to keep going because it was the first time i had felt someone actually cared about me in months.

We had a silent ride home and never spoke of the events in the car that day. Until jose pulled me aside that night and asked if i was okay. I told him no. I wasn't okay. I told him everything. How much it hurt me seeing him act like my cousins boyfriend while saying ti me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. I told him she hurt me like I never thought she would. I told him I never wanted this drama and I needed it to end. He needed to pick if he wanted to be with me or her.

He told me it wasn't like that, that he could be friends with her na date me. To which I called bullshit and explained that he couldn't actually do that because she liked him as more than a friend and wasn't willing to let anyone near him. He was silent.

I knew what his choice was then.

I had never really understood the term 'heartbroken'until that day. I thought it was just some cheesey romance word. But no, it is so much more than that. I felt truly and utterly broken. I was destroyed. The boy I loved chose my cousin who had hurt me over and over again over me, the girl he "loved". My chest ached like I'd been shot over and over again and left to die. If it weren't for my friend putting me back together again I dont know what would have happened.

I didnt talk to him for a long time after that about a week and a half. What I never wanted had happened it was my cousin and jose against my friend and I. I destroyed our friendship.

I finally spoke to him again when him and I took the kids to their weekly swim practice. Him and I were sat up in the bleachers when I got a call. Doctors had found a mass on my mother's thyroid they believed to be cancer. I cried. I had just had the worst week of my life loosing him and my cousin and now this. I could no longer hold it together.

He held me while I cried apologizing for everything he did to me and for what I was going through. We mended our relationship then i think. We talked more after but we were okay, because I realized it wasn't him. It was her. She had manipulated him into choosing her. I still hate him somedays because in the end it was him, he made his choice.

But then theres other days where he texts me saying "I still love you" and my heart breaks all over again, knowing I cant have a relationship with him until he has a normal friendship with her. Which will never happen, because he chose her and will always choose her.

So here I am hurting everytime I think about him and the eight months I spent with him. What hurts the most is I cant stop loving him, even though I want to so fucking bad. I want to hate him and move on but I cant. He. No, they destroyed me. I'm scared to be in another relationship, terrified to hear the words "I love you" again and them not be true. They ruined my life and dont care because they have each other. Yet he has the audacity to text me still to this day telling me he still loves me.

And I'm stupid enough to want to believe him and love him back...

[hamahsjournal]

if ur feeling desperately sad this summer, wait until it gets dark and half quiet and then open a window. cool air and passing cars are gonna heal ur heart. i promise

[hamahsjournal]

My Sexuality

This is hard for me to talk about. I’ve been struggling with this for a bit now and I just need to get it out. I dont know if its pride month, and the ever growing support for the LGBTQ+ community or just a natural curiosity but its driving me insane.

I never questioned my sexuality before. For 18 years I’ve known I was straight. I was a girl who’s attracted to guys. There wasn’t really ever another option. Growing up Christian there wasn’t an option it was straight or a gay path to hell. My parents were never that way but they seem to believe homosexuality is born out of trauma or a missing parental figure during childhood.

So this is what scares me. What if I am bisexual and I tell my parents what will they think? I’m scared they’re going to think they messed up or failed as my parents. When they didnt, I have unusually great parents. I know they would be accepting of me, their definetly allies of the community but how could I ever live with myself knowing they think they failed as parents.

That being said though what if I come out and I’m not actually bisexual what if this current attraction to girls and boys is just a phase or a moment of just exploring my options. Its confusing to say the least.

You see I’ve never been physical with a guy or girl. Hell, I’ve barely been on a date! The one date I went on he held my hand and I felt so fucking uncomfortable the whole time!! But I think I’ve chalked that up to just we grew up together and he was like my brother. But then theres the other time I backed out of a date with a guy I had been talking to for months because of my crippling anxiety that held me hostage in my bathroom. But is that because they were men or because I just didnt like them. I dont know because i do mind myself physically attracted to men (Harry Styles Helllooo) but I also find myself attracted to women at times (Jennifer Lawrence hmu).

So how come when I’m faced with a date or holding his hand I panic and cant follow through? Now, i have technically “dated” a guy before but only for 4 months in the eith grade and he was completely embarrassed of me, called me fat, didn’t want to hang around me, nothing. So we really dating? I dont know. I like to think we were not.

I just dont know. How do you know? Do I just have to wait it out and see if my feelings pass or do I need to try to go on dates with guys and girls see what I feel? (That would be difficult considering I know nobody and spend my time alone afraid of human interaction) it’s hard I hate this. I use to be so confident in who I am and now I couldn’t be anymore opposite.

And keeping this hidden from my parents who I tell almost everything to, is so fucking hard, I just want to talk to someone about it and figure it out but nobody is there. I have no one to talk to (literally I have no friends I havent been in school for five years and I dont currently have a job soooo) and the people I do have to talk to i dont want to bring this up to without being sure of who I am.

Anyway if you have any advice please I’ll take any!

[hamahsjournal]

THIS👌👏

im a dude and realizing i really am bi has caused a bit of Gay Panic. any pro tips(TM) from the man himself on how to deal with that?

1. Deep breaths. You’re realizing something new about yourself and that’s okay. We live in a heteronormative society and that means we might feel a little weird or even bad about these realizations at first.

2. Give yourself time. Discovering your identity/ being comfortable with it is not a race. You don’t need to know yourself perfectly Right Now. You have your whole life.

3. This changes nothing about you. You are exactly who you always have been, and that’s exactly who you’re meant to be.

4. Just because you’ve realized you’re bi doesn’t mean you have to go dating a dude right now immediately. If you want to? Go for it. If you don’t? That’s fine too. Take everything at your own pace.

5. You’re now legally required to use finger guns at least once every conversation. You’ll get better at it as time goes on. Don’t worry.

6. Brush up on your pun game. If you miss an opportunity you go to jail.

[hamahsjournal]

no idea if this is true, but it feels true

[hamahsjournal]

My Struggle with Rejection and Vulnerability

I've had alot of friendships in my life, yet somehow here, right now I have none. It's a fact that physically hurts some days but 'it is what it is' as they say.

My very first friendship ever was probably my longest ever. I befriended twins in the Pre-K and we remained friends until the 8th grade, when I left our small school. I left school and slowly started hanging out with them less and talking to them less. It hurt, alot, at first, but we were naturally growing apart. I obviously didnt expect or want then to never make new friends but I would be lying if I said it didnt hurt when I'd see them on social media with other people. But I grew older, more mature and understand the natural distance that came between us.

What I cant forget and what will always hurt was my friend Aryn. Aryn and I because friends when I was in 5th grade. She was in 6th and had newly transferred to our school. I dont really know what brought us together but we were naturally drawn to each other and hit it off. We were absolute BEST friends! Like we texted all the time, hung out at every possible chance and we told each other everything, I really loved her.

She and another girl (who we'll get into later) stayed my best friends the when I moved away and still talked and everything. When my family and I moved back to my home town, Aryn and I had become slightly distant but nothing a few chats over coffee wouldnt fix. But little did I know Aryn had moved on. I would text her to hang out and she would agree then text back minutes before we out meet up time saying, for one reason or another, she couldn't make it. Then I would see her on social media that same night out with other friends. I was the backup friend, no longer a first priority, simply an option if a better one failed to come through. It hurt, alot.

Where our friendship came to a nasty end was the day after our mutual friend, Ashley's wedding. Ashley was at the time my best friend. I had known her a long time (as she use to date my brother, but that's another story for another time). Aryn her and I hung out alot. But as Aryn backed out of my life ashley was there for me and was a great friend. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and we were really close. But the day after the wedding aryn posted a photo that destroyed our friendship.

You see, aryn had a fake Instagram (a finsta if you must *rolls eyes*) that I didnt follow but Ashley did. Aryn posted a candid photo of her and I at the wedding where I looked, basically terrible lol, and posted a rude comment directed towards me under it. I guess I must have blocked out what the comment was because, I genuinely cant remember it any longer. But trust me, it was grounds for divorce.

I was hurt and felt like my life long friend had secretly hated me and I never knew. All the times she canceled our plans made sense she never actually cared about me like I did her. I felt alone and fell down a hole of depression for a while.

Luckily, my friend ashley helped me alot with that! She helped me realize the problem lyed with aryn and not me. But soon our friendship too ended.

After Ashley's wedding she moved away and we both did our best to keep in contact, but us both being young adults we had busy lives that didnt always permit that. I still considered her my best friend though. What was the end of things was when she made a trip back to our home town and didnt tell me. In fact kept it a secret from me and my brother, who was her husband's best friend. The obviously didnt want to see us for whatever reason and ignored us. They continued to do this multiple times while posting on social media pictures of them out with other friends. Friends, who by the way, made their wedding hell. But again another story for another time.

Once again i was left feeling hurt and confused I didnt know what I did to deserve this. I always was the best friend I could possibly be to Ashely. Fighting and standing up for her when drama hit the fan during her wedding, I threw her a bachelorette party, I talked her through a break up. But here I was once again out a friend, spiraling down the dark tunnel of depression, I too often find myself in.

What pulled me out of the maze of depression I was in was when I went on a missions trip to Mexico. Now I've been going to Mexico for a lo g time, but never more than a week at a time, until this trip. I went down for three months. I worked in an orphanage and loved it! I met a boy who worked there who was a few years older than me and we instantly had an unspoken connection. I found myself really really liking him, but we were just friends and I wasn't about to loose another friend because of my dumb feelings.

It wasn't until my next trip down, where I stayed for eight months, that I realized I was head over heels in love with my friend. But I never said anything. Him, two other girls and I lived and worked together in this orphanage, always hung out and were best friends.

That was until during the Christmas season where one of our mutual friends (who was slightly obsessed with him) was away visiting family. He told me one night, that he liked me, like alot. He has for a long time and sees us having a future together. You can imagine how genuinely happy and excited I was! This was why i was here! I would fall in love get married and have a family, it was incredible! But, I didnt want to start anything while I was living in the orphanage, because he was living there too and we were working with kids, so we didn't want anything weird to happen. So we decided to just wait to see what happened in the future.

Then, our friend came home. She cornered me one evening in our kitchen and went off. Saying I was ruining our friend group, his and I's relationship was inappropriate, I was a bad example to the kids, I made her uncomfortable and it needed to stop.

I left the conversation, locked myself in my bathroom and resorted to an old coping mechanism I thought I had long left behind. I cut my hips and sides. Balling my eyes out heart broken I had ruined everything.

This began a chain reaction of events that are too lo g to explain now, but in the end it came down to this. He had to choose to be with me or be friends with her. Guess what he chose?

He chose her then had the audacity to tell me he loved me. I hated him. Well, I wanted to. But I also loved him much. After a couple months I returned home, broken hearted.

I'm still broken hearted, hurt and struggling. He posts about her now, their friendship (thata more than a friendship if you ask me), how great she is and how much he loves her. While I sit here having lost a boy I love and my friendship with both of them.

I'd never felt so rejected and hurt in my entire life, it destroyed me for a long time. He still texts me occasionally and I text back keeping the conversation friendly but that's all.

It's because of these event in my life that I struggle with the constant feeling of rejection and not being good enough. I'm always the second choice. Never quite good enough to be made a priority.

Maybe one day, someone, somewhere will change that for me. But that feels so far away.

Somedays I cope with the fee lo ding better than others. Some day I can go for a run, or draw, or mow the grass and feel better after ward. Others I feel enslaved to the depressing thoughts in my mind keeping me a prisoner to my bed and to the blade on my sides.

I'm hurt. Struggling and I fear rejection. Because of that I dont dare to make myself vulnerable to another person again.

[hamahsjournal]

Curiousity with Caution

I always found myself infatuated with the Male characters in books and movies. Like most teenage girls do, but I remember around the time The Hunger Games movies started becoming popular, my friend and I would always have long conversations about gale and peeta. My friend would talk about how much she loved peeta and how hot her was and ofcourse I agreed I mean hello hes crazy attractive. But then she would talk about how she just wanted to kiss him and be with him. I think that's where my Bi-Curiousity kicked in, because looking back on that, I of course thought peeta and gale were hot but I couldn't decide if I wanted to be katniss so I could kiss them or if I wanted to be them so I could kiss katniss.

It was confusing but I immediately pushed the thought away because I knew that wasn't how my friend was thinking, so why would I think that way?

Being straight was so ingrained into my being by the time I was 10, there was never any other option. Straight was right, gay was wrong and not spoken of. So, tell me this am I questioning my sexuality because its finally okay and safe (more or less) to do so or am I questioning it because I've always had this suppressed Bi-Curiousity in me that I just cant contain anymore? I dont know.

Currently I feel most comfortable calling myself Bi-Curious. But I'm also so terrified of that label because of the hate that comes along with it. Everytime I search bicurious on twitter I'm submerged onto hate for bicurious women. People hate the way bicurious girls lead girls on and just use them as an experiment. Which, I 100% understand and I never ever want to do that to anyone. But in the same breath, how am I suppose to figure out who I am without trying things out?

I think the hate stems from bad communication. Bicurious women aren't explaining their simply curious and still getting their toes went in the gay pool and may decide this isn't for them. So gay women get into these relationships with curious women, emotionally invest, without getting the full explanation that the curious women is simply not ready to fully commit to a gay relationship. Then, unfortunately, it's the gay women who end up heart broken. And I dont ever want to hurt someone like that.

So if I'm ever presented with the opportunity to try things out with a women, I plan to fully explain how I feel towards the situation and be accepting of whether the girl decides to proceed or backout.

So yeah I'm still in this in between stage of daydreaming about women and feeling confused. And I still dont know if I want to be or kiss Katniss. It's all very confusing. I'll just continue with my buzzfeed quizzes and youtube videos, living in a state of scared but cautious confusion.

[hamahsjournal]

My TED Talk

Once your child turns a year old

STOP👏MEASURING👏THEIR👏AGE👏IN👏MONTHS👏

When people ask me how old I am do I tell them 216 MONTHS????

NO. Because;

1. Its weird

2. Ain't nobody want to do that math

3. I'm 18 YEARS old

So no, stacy your child is not 24 months HES 2 YEARS OLD

Do you want to measure things in smaller units?

Yeah? Really? You sure?

Okay let's do that

I make 1,500 pennies per hour

🤔

I work a 600 minute shift

🤨

I have a 1,800 second commute to work

😐

I ran 63,360 inches today

😑

I'm 63.6 inches tall

🖕

And now you have no friends

Thank you for coming to my ted talk

[hamahsjournal]

My Sexuality

This is hard for me to talk about. I've been struggling with this for a bit now and I just need to get it out. I dont know if its pride month, and the ever growing support for the LGBTQ+ community or just a natural curiosity but its driving me insane.

I never questioned my sexuality before. For 18 years I've known I was straight. I was a girl who's attracted to guys. There wasn't really ever another option. Growing up Christian there wasn't an option it was straight or a gay path to hell. My parents were never that way but they seem to believe homosexuality is born out of trauma or a missing parental figure during childhood.

So this is what scares me. What if I am bisexual and I tell my parents what will they think? I'm scared they're going to think they messed up or failed as my parents. When they didnt, I have unusually great parents. I know they would be accepting of me, their definetly allies of the community but how could I ever live with myself knowing they think they failed as parents.

That being said though what if I come out and I'm not actually bisexual what if this current attraction to girls and boys is just a phase or a moment of just exploring my options. Its confusing to say the least.

You see I've never been physical with a guy or girl. Hell, I've barely been on a date! The one date I went on he held my hand and I felt so fucking uncomfortable the whole time!! But I think I've chalked that up to just we grew up together and he was like my brother. But then theres the other time I backed out of a date with a guy I had been talking to for months because of my crippling anxiety that held me hostage in my bathroom. But is that because they were men or because I just didnt like them. I dont know because i do mind myself physically attracted to men (Harry Styles Helllooo) but I also find myself attracted to women at times (Jennifer Lawrence hmu).

So how come when I'm faced with a date or holding his hand I panic and cant follow through? Now, i have technically "dated" a guy before but only for 4 months in the eith grade and he was completely embarrassed of me, called me fat, didn't want to hang around me, nothing. So we really dating? I dont know. I like to think we were not.

I just dont know. How do you know? Do I just have to wait it out and see if my feelings pass or do I need to try to go on dates with guys and girls see what I feel? (That would be difficult considering I know nobody and spend my time alone afraid of human interaction) it's hard I hate this. I use to be so confident in who I am and now I couldn't be anymore opposite.

And keeping this hidden from my parents who I tell almost everything to, is so fucking hard, I just want to talk to someone about it and figure it out but nobody is there. I have no one to talk to (literally I have no friends I havent been in school for five years and I dont currently have a job soooo) and the people I do have to talk to i dont want to bring this up to without being sure of who I am.

Anyway if you have any advice please I'll take any!