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[pealeii]

The Ofmd fandom @ the Good Omens and Heartstopper fandoms:

[sunlightellies]

"deal."

→ masterlist

→ pairing: Bella ramsey x reader

→ genre: notfamous!bella, hospital!au, angst, melancholic, fluff if you squint, gn!reader

→ tags/warnings: mentions of dying and death, do not read if you get triggered by death. angst!!! slowburn-ish (takes a while until the reader is introduced. sorry peeps.). cursewords. a friend of bella's is not so nice:(

→ word count: 8k+

→ proofread? sorryy no

→ a/n: i saw someone say they wish there were more angst fics with Bella and as an angst lover myself i couldn’t help but to write some. warning this got way out of hand so this is like, SAD, sad. if you like reading heartbreaking things and enjoys to suffer like me tho then this will be perfect for you! also i know this isn’t a very accurate fic,, but i did it for the sake of great fanfiction, so don’t be mad. i hope you all will like it anyway!

(i try to stick with the same pronouns for Bella in fic writing but sometimes i slip up as i use any pronouns for them when casually talking about them; in this fic i’ll mainly use they/them for Bella, but excuse me if i use another pronoun as well lol.)

→ summary: While you sat on the bus on your way home thinking about Bella, Bella was laying in their hospital bed at the same time thinking about you. At this time neither of you knew how inseparable you two were eventually gonna become. Maybe running in the corridor at a hospital is sometimes a good thing?

It was another regular Thursday for Bella. They were on their way home from the television workshop while Phoebe Bridgers was playing in their earbuds. Walking in pace to the music and taking a left turn right at that cozy café they always thinks about visiting, but still never does. They could see the front of his gray apartment building, walking a little faster as they wanted to get home as soon as possible.

Bella yanks up the door as soon as they unlock it. “Jojo, Skipper!” The two pets came running at the sound of Bella. Their friend and roommate Vera owned the two pets together with Bella. Vera asked Bella if they could feed the cats before they left the television workshop since Vera wanted to stay and practice a little longer. “So.. are you hungry?” Dragging out the sentence they look at the two pets with an eyebrow raised. Jojo answers with a loud meow. “Me too Jojo, me too.” Bella chuckles to themselves while putting their bag down and taking off their shoes. They walk into their kitchen and take a painkiller. They’ve had this weird problem with headaches recently, so taking medicine for headaches has become a daily routine for them every night. Bella didn’t think much about it, they were very active, studying and doing theater, which both took a lot of energy so they thought their headaches were due to some kind of stress and that it was somewhat reasonable.

A few weeks later Bella was eating by themselves after practice and they thought about trying to drink more water and start taking some vitamins. The headaches were something they could live with before. But as the weeks had gone by they had gotten worse and on top of that they had gotten unusually tired and were often feeling nauseous. Bella believed that it might have to do with some kind of lack of vitamins.

The semester was slowly coming to an end and Bella had recently found out they got into LAMDA (London Academy of Music and Dramatic arts) to pursue performing arts. It was a huge achievement for them. They had celebrated with their friends the night they found out, and now a few weeks later he was beginning to pack their things for college. Bella sat down on their bed looking at all the boxes, trying to decide where to start. They had written down on all the boxes what should go in them, to keep things organized. Although Bella had trouble reading on the boxes due to their blurry vision. 

“Have you had that eye exam that you were talking about a few days ago?” Isaac took a sip of his coffee as he was looking at Bella while waiting for an answer. Isaac was a close friend of his, they had been doing theater together for years. Isaac was part of a group of people at the television workshop that Bella always practiced with and some of them also go to LAMDA. They all were really close and had been for years. Today Bella was only hanging out with Isaac though. 

“I went there and got my eyes checked but it was really weird. She kept asking me questions. She started with headaches and I get that, it’s somewhat logical she’s asking me about that, it’s normal to get headaches while trying to see, you know?” Isaac nodded. Bella took a deep sigh and continued,

“But then she kept asking if I’ve had problems with nausea or vomiting, feeling confused while doing everyday things and having difficulty with balance.” Bella paused to take a sip of their tea. 

“Did you tell her yes? Because you know I’ve seen you struggling both in school and at practice lately. You’re a really good student Bella, and an amazing actor. I mean you just got into LAMDA dude. If you told her no, I’m gonna be disappointed because obviously something is going on with you, and you need help. We’ve all been telling you to seek help from a doctor but you’re too stubborn.” Isaac was looking at Bella while putting a hand on their shoulder, “Me and the others are really worried about you. I know you haven’t exactly gone into details or talked alot about what’s happening but don’t think that we’re not noticing that you’re in pain and having difficulties.” 

Isaac who was usually a very upbeat guy was for once very serious. Bella felt kinda embarrassed and kept looking down on their cup while stirring it with their spoon. “I told her yes when she asked me about it, and then she didn’t say anything more than that I should book a doctor’s appointment and check it out. So I did.” Bella kept staring at his tea while hearing Isaac ramble on about ‘he’s been telling me to go to the doctor for weeks and how can I even listen to a random woman immediately like that and not my friends’.

Bella was sitting outside the doctor's office with Brianna and Isaac at their side. Bella didn’t like going to the doctor, but they knew they had to. They weren't feeling well and they had started to get worried. He was a little bit nervous, so Brianna and Isaac offered to come with him as support.

“Bella Ramsey?” a woman's voice sounded out. Bella stood up and Brianna gave Bella a reassuring smile before they followed the woman. They went into her office and sat down in one of the chairs. The doctor was looking at some journals in her computer before turning to Bella and smiling. “Hi Bella. We talked on the phone a few days ago. Do you remember?” It felt weird the way she said that, if they could remember it. Of course they could. Not the whole conversation, but parts of it. Bella decided to not put much thought into it and just simply answered, “Yes, I do.” The doctor continued to smile at them and said while nodding, “That’s great. So we both know why you are here?” Bella nodded and then they kept talking about their problems for a while. She was asking questions about how it affected their everyday life, how school was going, what symptoms they were having and the progress of them and if they had gotten any more since he called. 

They talked for a while and she did some tests on them regarding balance, memory, sensory and finally a blood test. “Okay Bella, we are done for today. I’ve scheduled an MRI for you in a few days, please don’t forget. We’ll call you a day before about preparations. Bring a close one if you feel scared or nervous.” Bella nodded and took the paper the doctor handed them and got up from the chair they sat on. Bella shook hands with the doctor before they turned around and walked out the door.

Isaac and Brianna stood up as soon as they came back into the waiting room. “So what did she say?!” Isaac looked nervously at Bella. “Nothing. She asked me some questions and did some tests, and then just said that she scheduled an MRI for me. I don’t know what for.” Their hands were fiddling with the paper they got before they handed it over to Brianna. Brianna read on the appointment paper while Isaac whispered, “damn, this may be worse than we thought.” Brianna hit him in the arm and looked at him. “You dumbass, don’t say that! It’s just an MRI!” Isaac said a quiet ‘sorry’ while rubbing his arm where Brianna hit him.

All three of them were quiet on the way to the television workshop. No one really knew what to say. “Maybe we should google your symptoms?” Isaac finally spoke up. “Stop saying dumb ass things Isaac, or else I’m gonna get that headache soon too.” Brianna paused before talking again, “We all know that googling your symptoms is just gonna scare everyone more. We all know except Isaac.” After that it went quiet again and everyone kept walking slowly to the television workshop to meet up with the rest of the group. Isaac said it may be worse than we thought and Brianna said it’s just an MRI to calm them down, especially Bella, and it’s normal to get an MRI sure, but a doctor would definitely not schedule an MRI if the problem was a loss of vitamins. Bella’s thoughts were racing with different scenarios. They knew it probably wasn’t a big deal, but they were still scared. 

“Hey guys!” Isaac opened the door to the studio while Bella and Brianna came shortly after. A few voices were heard from all across the room that greeted the three people entering. “How did it go at the doctor’s office?” A guy with blonde hair spoke up. That was Asher. He’s a great actor, but an even greater comedian, although Bella always thought Martha was the funniest one in the group. “It was fine, nothing special, she scheduled an MRI for me.” Bella said back to him while going up to hug him, but Asher took a step back. “An MRI? Why?” Asher looked puzzled. “Well I obviously need one. Why else?” The practice started but Bella had to sit on the side most of the time. Today the dizziness and nausea was really bad. They couldn’t even stand up straight and even if they were stubborn enough to keep trying, their friends told them to sit down. They gave Bella a look of pity before going back to practicing.

That night when Bella came home they went right to bed. They were so exhausted. Their mind was blank. Not a single thought. They sat down on their bed and took a deep breath and then began to change their clothes and then just threw them on the floor before sliding under the covers. After a few minutes of trying to sleep, the thoughts came running back like a herd of horses. They started thinking about what will happen, what has happened to them. They knew it was more than just an MRI, more than what Brianna had said to calm their nerves. Bella wasn’t stupid after all, they didn’t need google to know what their symptoms could be.

A few weeks have gone by, and Bella’s parents are in town to help them and be there as support when they’re going to the doctor to find out the results of his MRI scan. They have been worried sick over the last few months, trying to talk to Bella about it but only hearing from their friends about how’s it going for Bella. Bella hates feeling weak, especially in front of their parents. It cuts Bella’s heart into pieces about how they’ve tried to make their parents proud their entire life and now all their work is at risk of being all ruined. His parents have of course always been proud of them, whatever Bella’s done. They were happy for Bella when he got into LAMDA but they wouldn’t be less proud if Bella got into another school, and as for now, they won’t be disappointed that Bella may have to give up their spot in the school. All their parents could think about this day was how whatever ends up happening, they are gonna be there for them and they’re all gonna get through it. 

Bella texted with their friends in their group chat on the way to Dr. Watson’s office. They were obviously nervous, and their friends were too. The chat got sentimental quick and they all swore to Bella that they are gonna be there for them no matter what. Bella felt good expecting the worst, that way they wouldn’t feel as shocked if it’s worse or just as expected, they would also be relieved if it wasn’t as bad as they thought. 

The ride to Dr. Watson’s office was just as quiet as it was in the waiting room. Neither Bella nor his parents knew what to say. They were all just hoping for the best. As Dr. Watson came and called out Bella’s name, they rose up from their seat in a swift move and went after her, their parents following. Bella had told Dr. Watson earlier that their parents would be coming with them so she had already prepared seats for them all. When they all sat down Bella’s parents sat on each side of Bella, and both their mom and dad grabbed a hand each from Bella. Dr. Watson welcomed them briefly before cutting right to the chase while she brought up a file and took out the MRI scans of Bella’s brain. “I’m sorry but I’m not bringing good news to you today, Bella.” she started off and looked right at Bella, “You have Glioblastoma.” 

Bella knew what that was. They knew it was a severe dangerous tumor in the back of their head. Dr. Watson kept explaining what it meant, using a pen to point the mass of cells in the pictures while going on about how it mostly occurs in older patients but can happen with younger people too, how it’s not genetic and how you treat it and other stuff that Bella couldn’t catch up on. They weren't really listening and were just tuning out all sounds, stuck with their thoughts. They could feel his parents holding his hands tight and saw their dad wipe his tears in the corner of their eye. Bella thought expecting the worst would help them cope with bad news, but it didn’t. They were in shock and didn’t know how to react. Their mind refused to believe the things they had just heard. 

“So Bella. We’re going to put you in chemo first. We’re going to schedule a surgery as soon as possible but because the surgery is severely dangerous, complex and risky, it’s unfortunately going to be hard to find a neurosurgeon for this so you might have to wait a few months.”

The meeting finally came to an end after what felt like hours to Bella. Their mind still couldn’t really register what just had happened, but they were happy their parents were at their side and how they comforted them through the entire appointment. Bella’s parents still held their hands but let go to shake hands with Dr. Watson. On the way out their dad was walking at Bella’s side and held his arm around them tight. Their parents continued to smother Bella with love and support the rest of the day. 

Bella was laying in their bed that night, staring up at the ceiling, and thinking through all the events for the day. Their phone was blowing up with notifications and calls, but they couldn't bear to answer. Their friends were calling and texting, so worried and of course wanting to know what the doctor had said earlier that day. Bella just looked over their shoulder at their phone, picked it up, turned it off completely and then going back to not give a single fuck about answering them. Bella needed time. They barely knew what had happened and needed to regain their thoughts and energy before talking to other people. They didn’t want to hear people's pity for them and they most definitely didn’t wanna answer all their questions. They could wait.

Four days had gone by and Bella was on their way to the television workshop to talk to their friends. They haven’t talked to them at all in the last few days and they finally gave up looking for answers from Bella and eventually talked to their parents. Bella knew that everyone that knew them, now also knew about their diagnosis. The word spread fast, and as soon as Bella started their phone again after a few days with it turned off, it overflowed over with notifications, texts, voicemails, and calls, 

“I’m so sorry Bella. Sending our blessings.” 

“Hope you get better soon, we’re here for you.” 

“Sending all our love and support to you.”

The texts just kept coming in and Bella had a hard time holding their tears back for the first time since they got the news. They haven't been able to cry in the last few days, not a single tear. It was frustrating for them, they wanted to cry. They wanted to lose their mind and just let it all up. But they couldn't. 

Bella finally arrived at the television workshop after a long and slow walk. They stopped right outside the black door and took a deep breath, slowly reaching for the door, finally opening it and walking straight to the room where their friends practiced. Opening the door and seeing all their friends sitting on the floor, doing nothing. Martha was fiddling with her shirt and Asher was just staring down into the floor, the others also fiddling or just staring into the brown wooden floor. It was unbearably quiet, still no one heard Bella come in. 

“Hey guys.” Heads snapped at the direction of Bella’s voice and shocked faces were immediately seen before they all rushed up to Bella’s side. Hugs were shared and tears were shed. “We have been so fucking worried dude. I swear. We haven’t been able to practice without you and definitely not without knowing if you are fine.” Martha spoke up first after the silence, hugging Bella tight. Bella chuckled, “I wouldn’t really say that I’m fine, but I feel better now that I’m here with you guys.” 

Bella talked to their friends about what the doctor had told them, what their illness is and how the treatment works. They answered all the group’s questions and it felt good getting it out. Bella was afraid they would treat them differently, treat them with pity and caution, but they were the same. Teasing and joking about the situation. It felt good to laugh about it. They eventually started changing the subject and Bella felt happy. Bella felt hope and luck, thinking that with these guys by their side, they were gonna get through it. 

The days went by and Bella was now on their way to the part in the hospital where they would get their first chemotherapy. Martha and Brianna were supposed to go with them for support but ended up being stopped by the guards in the reception. They weren’t allowed to go with them. Only family was allowed. Unfortunately Bella’s family couldn’t come to visit them this time around. Bella took a long time to walk up the stairs. Counting the steps as they set one foot above the other. They could’ve taken the elevator, but they didn’t want to. They wanted to drag out the time as much as possible, and they weren’t in a hurry anyways. 

“305.. 306..” he paused at the last step and looked up, “.. and 307.” They went up the last step and began walking towards the map just a few meters in front of them, because they weren't really sure where to go. The map said they should go to the right and as they turned, he saw the sign for the ‘chemotherapy’ immediately. With even heavier steps than before, they continued their stroll towards their first chemo.

a few months later…

Bella was currently living at the hospital. They had gotten worse and the chemo wasn’t working. They were now in chemotherapy and radiation therapy because the doctor wanted to try them as a combination. However, Bella was still waiting for the hospital to find a neurosurgeon to remove their tumor and it didn’t seem that they were in luck of finding anyone soon. 

Bella’s friends came and visited them almost everyday. They were really grateful to have them on their side. They often showed Bella their new plays, they played games together, watched movies or just slept when Bella wasn’t in the mood to hang out. In the middle of their thoughts a sudden raise in volume rang through the room. “You cheated!” Bella looked up from their cards. “I did not!” someone screamed back. It was Wilmer and Isaac that were fighting. Bella wasn’t really paying attention at first due to their head being full of thoughts, but after a few seconds they came back to their mind. “Hey, hey, calm down and stop screaming. Let it go. Think about Bella, don’t stress them up for nothing.” Martha told them and Isaac, who was accused of cheating, who had also risen from his seat, sat back down. Both Wilmer and Isaac looked ashamed for a second but it all went away quickly as they kept playing. 

After a few hours they all had to leave for practice. Bella was all worn out, they always were after hanging out with them. They didn’t have much energy these days due to all of their medication and treatments. But they were getting hungry and it wasn’t dinner yet, so they went to talk to the nurses if they could have his dinner early. As Bella opened the door from their room they only took a few steps in the corridor before someone ran into them. 

“Oh my god, I am so, so sorry! How are you feeling? Are you hurt?” The sweet but panicked voice ran through their head as they looked at your hand that you were holding out for them to reach so you could help them up. They grabbed your hand and you helped them up from the floor. “I’m fine, and it’s not all your fault, I should’ve checked the hall before walking out.” Bella chuckled as they looked up at your face, studying your features. You were really beautiful, but they didn’t recognize you. “Have I seen you here before?” Bella asked you as they turned around to close the door to their room. 

“For starters, no, it was all my fault, I shouldn’t even be running here anyways. For the second question, probably not, I really don’t spend a lot of time here. I was just dropping something off for my mom. She’s a nurse.” You broke into a smile after you finished your sentence and it was the prettiest smile Bella had ever seen. “Oh okay, makes sense. Nice to meet you though, even if we kinda had a rough start.” You both let out a laugh. 

It went silent and Bella looked down to the floor and saw the bag that you were holding. “Wait, is that carbonara!?” He looked at your face with a shocked expression. “Yes, it’s for my mom. She forgot her dinner so I brought her some.” Bella's mouth went into an ‘O’ shape before they spoke again. “Wow. I’m so jealous. I haven’t had that shit in forever, and I sure do miss it.” they chuckled a stiff laugh. “You want some? My mom needs this for her dinner but I can go back to the restaurant and get some for you, my treat.” You gave them a smile as Bella visibly got excited and showed it through physical movements, not for long though. “Oof, I really shouldn’t be doing that” They said as they bent over and took some deep breaths. “But wow, you would really do that for me? That would be amazing.”

An hour later you came back to the hospital with a bag of more carbonara in your hand. You couldn’t remember which room was Bella so you asked your mom, and then went to their room. You were outside their door and knocked, and you barely finished knocking before it opened. With your hand in the air, you brought it down and instead brought up your other hand with the bag. “Ready to eat some carbonara?” You giggled and Bella blushed. “Only if you eat it with me.” You nodded. “Deal.” Bella smiled as you walked inside their room, sat down the bag, brought up the food and started eating. 

After a while of eating in silence Bella was getting curious and wanted to get to know you better. “Sooo.. do you work or are you still in school?” They glanced at you before shoving food into their mouth. “I work in a coffee shop called ‘A whole latte love’ actually.” Bella stopped chewing and abruptly looked at you. “The coffee shop at the corner of Southbridge street?” You nodded simply at their question. “I live in the apartment building next to it! I always walk past that place on my way home, and every time I see it I think about how much I want to check it out!” they squealed, getting excited. “Woahh.. what if we would’ve met there?” Bella stared at you with a stunned expression on their face. You just shrugged and answered, “Fate works in weird ways, man.” and then kept eating. 

You ended up staying much longer than you thought. You had a great time with Bella and they were really sweet. You two got along well, and you thought about visiting them soon again. While you sat on the bus on your way home thinking about them, Bella was laying in their hospital bed at the same time thinking about you. 

You two started to hang out a lot. Mostly at the hospital, since Bella wasn’t really allowed to leave at any time. But you still had fun. Bella loved hanging out with their friends, but it was nice to actually spend some time with someone other than a nurse or their friends. They snapped out of their thoughts when they heard the door open. Looking at the door they were hoping it was you that were coming but it was Martha and Vera. 

“Hey love. How are you doing? Sorry we haven’t visited as often as we used to.” Martha spoke up as he grabbed a chair from the corner of the room. “It’s alright..” Bella hesitated to tell them about you for a few seconds, but decided to tell them anyway. “I’ve actually met someone.” Both Martha and Vera got an astonished look on their faces. “Who? When? What?” Vera spoke up. “They literally ran into me in the hall.” Bella said while emphasizing ‘literally’. “They ran into you.. and you became friends?” Martha continued to ask. “Yes, and then they bought me carbonara.” Both of the girls next to Bella went ‘aaaah’ with a nod at the same time. 

“Okay, then I get it. Makes sense. But is there something going on between you two, what’s their name? Who is it? Spill it.” Vera wiggled her eyebrows at Bella. “Their name is Y/N. And you know that coffee shop at the corner next to our building? They work there.” Bella sighed. “I don’t know if there’s something going on yet, honestly, I really like them, but we barely know each other and I don’t know if they like me. I mean, who would even like me? I’ll probably die before I even get a chance of getting married anyways.” Suddenly the door opened in a rapid move. 

“Now why the fuck would you even say something like that you fucking fool!” Every head was turned to the door and there was Isaac. After him came Elsa and Asher. Everyone was silent waiting for an explanation from Isaac. “Sorry, we were eavesdropping.” Asher finally said. “Yeah, I think we understood that part.” Vera expressed with an annoyed tone in her voice. “Okay sorry I could’ve maybeee.. been a little harsh.” Isaac dragged out the maybe as if he was waiting for someone to disagree with him. No one said anything, they all just stared at him with an annoyed face.

“Well anyway. I disagree with what you said. Because you’re not gonna die. And also IF you were dying, you still deserve love, stupid.” Emphasizing the ‘if’ Isaac finally explained what he meant when he barged in. “Why do you always use a degrading word when you’re talking to us? Can’t you ever use a loving word?” Martha waved her hands around in some kind of frustration. “Of course I can, but I don’t want to. I can still be sweet though.” Isaac paused, “I love you all, you morons.” Martha just sighed and put her head in her hands at Isaac’s words while Isaac himself was cracking up by his own words and the annoyance of Martha. “I mean, points for trying.” Asher said and let out a chuckle while shrugging from behind Elsa, who both were still standing by the door.

A few days went by and you were at work. You’ve had to pick up a few extra shifts lately. Texting Bella that you were sorry for the lack of communication but you may be able to come by tomorrow, and ending the text with a cute ‘i miss you’. Bella had been missing you too, maybe too much. Seeing that the text they received was from you, they quickly opened his phone to answer. “It’s okay, but I need carbonara to be able to forgive you.” They sent the text and quickly added, “I miss you more.” you snickered at his response and texted him a quick ‘deal.’

Bella was alone in their room, listening to some music and just laying in bed, thinking. Turning to their side and looking out the window they pleasantly watched the rain fall down outside and hearing the rain hitting the window. Autumn was beginning to set and that made Bella happy, they liked autumn. For Bella it meant a fresh start. It was always a new school year, new classes, hopefully some new friends. But this time there was no school. They should’ve even gone off to college by now, but couldn’t due to their.. situation.

A knock on Bella’s door woke them up from their slumber. They weren't feeling good at all today, and just wanted to sleep the whole day away. You opened the door slowly and peeked inside. “Hi there lovebug. Heard you’re having a rough day. I bought carbonara, should I just put them down and leave?” you took a few steps inside to put down the bag. “No, please stay.” Bella’s hoarse voice spoke out. “Okay, as you wish.” you started to bring out one of the chairs as Bella spoke again. “No, lay down with me, please.” Their voice were barely audible but you could hear it clear as day. “Are you sure?” You hesitated but started to go to them as Bella made space in their bed and reached out their hand. “Please.” they whispered with tears threatening to spill in their eyes. 

You laid down beside them and they held you as close as they could. You were laying with your head on their chest and began drawing circles on their arm in a soothing manner. “Please, make the pain go away.” Bella choked out, voice still hoarse and tears slowly going down their cheeks. You sat up on your elbow and looked into his eyes. Bella followed you with their eyes and you were now staring at each other. Bella’s sweet, adorable eyes, the eyes that were filled with love and happiness, were now full with pain and misery. “Oh my sweet, sweet lovebug..” You brought your hand up to caress their cheeks. “I wish I could. I would’ve done anything to make your pain go away.” You were about to shed some tears too but you held back as much as you could. You laid back down and began drawing circles on his skin again as you calmly started to sing quietly to “Lullaby” by Sleeping At Last.

♪

“Goodnight, goodnight, it’s time now to sleep,

The moon’s watchin’ over you and your dreams,

Goodnight, goodnight, my sweet little one,

Tomorrow, your eyes, they will light up the sun.

But goodnight, goodnight, sweet dreams for now,

Drift off to sleep on your pillow of clouds,

Goodnight, goodnight, my sweet little friend,

Tomorrow’s adventures, they will soon begin

Tomorrow’s adventures will soon begin.”

♪

And after a while, you both fell asleep in the arms of each other.

Lucky for you, it was Saturday and you were free. You woke up before Bella, but it was kinda late. Almost 5pm. You were debating if you should wake Bella up or let them sleep, and went for the latter. But you really had to pee though, so you tried to get out of their tight grip on you as smoothly as possible. Your mission was accomplished when you got out of the bed without waking Bella. You went to the bathroom and when you were done you decided to go to the cafeteria to get some dinner. You wrote a quick note for Bella, and left.

When you came back Bella was awake and scrolling on their phone. “Good evening love bug, how are you feeling? I brought dinner.” You set down the food and looked at Bella and gave them a smile. “Better, but I’m feeling a little worn out. But why did you buy dinner? Couldn’t we just eat the carbonara you brought earlier?” Bella sat up with their legs crossed. ‘Oh shit. The carbonara.’ you thought to yourself. “I mean, we could, but I totally forgot about that if I’m gonna be honest. Let���s just eat both options while we play some video games, yeah?” You walked up to Bella and gave them a sandwich and a coffee. “I know that I’m dying, but you don’t have to baby me you know.” Bella said while they stuffed the sandwich into their mouth. “When you stop saying that you’re dying, because you’re not, then I’ll stop babying you.” You sat down in front of Bella and put your feet up on their bed. Bella looked at you with love in their eyes and said, “deal”.

Bella was casually sitting in the lobby for their division of the hospital where they were, well, living. Scrolling on his phone, they suddenly got a call from Martha. “Hey love, what’s up? Can I come by?” Martha's voice rang through his ears as she spoke a tiny bit too loudly for Bella. “Yeah sure. See you soon.” The call was quick, but Bella was happy she was coming to visit. Their friends unfortunately didn’t visit as much these days due to school and work. Bella understood that they were busy but they still wished they could see them as often as they used to before. 

Bella and Martha played video games in Bella’s room for a few hours. At some point they had to stop because Bella was getting dizzy. “So.. how’s it going with Y/N?” Martha asked Bella. “It’s going really well, I genuinely think that they actually like me, and I like them. Like a lot. “ Bella started to blush at the thought of you and started fiddling with their fingers. “Okay, that’s really great.” Martha said coldly, having a stiff smile on her face. “What’s up with the face? What are you thinking? Tell me.” Martha sat up straight at Bella’s words. “You know, I just think, maybe don’t go too far with them you know? You know I love you and want nothing but happiness for you, but think about Y/N. You might not actually make it Bella. We all hope you do, but both you and I know there’s a chance and it’s bigger than everyone wants to believe.” Bella’s face filled up with sadness at Martha’s words. “I know I’m being harsh, but all I’m saying is, don’t be selfish. If, only if, you wouldn’t make it through this, you’re gonna break Y/N’s whole heart Bella.”

Bella was still fiddling with their fingers. The tears ran down their cheeks. “I know.” They whispered. Bella knew Martha was right. They had thought the exact same thing before. Even if they often made jokes about dying, they really didn’t wanna fully realize that they actually were dying. “I’ve been holding back because of that. I really don’t want to hurt Y/N, but at the same time they actually give me hope, and I for once feel like it’s worth fighting this, for them.”

You and Bella hadn’t seen each other in about two weeks. You texted them everyday asking if you could come over, but they always declined saying that they weren't feeling great. You knew that they were lying, because you could see on their Instagram that they’ve been hanging out with their friends. Getting tired of being pushed away, you wrote a quick “we need to talk, i’ll be there soon” before sending it to Bella. Bella saw the text immediately and started getting anxious. It seemed to be urgent, so what did you want to talk about?

Arriving at Bella’s floor you went to their room with rapid steps. As soon as you got there you burst the door open and saw Bella getting scared and almost throwing their phone away. They quickly sat up straight and looked at you with a confused face. “We need to talk.” was the first thing you said when you came in the door. “I know, you texted me saying the same thing. Oh and you know, people often knock before they walk into someone's room.” Bella pointed at the door which you didn’t knock on. You shook your head, “Why are you avoiding me?” taking a few steps forward as you were taking off your coat and then hung it over a chair waiting for Bella’s response. “I haven’t. What are you talking about?” Bella has unfortunately  never been a good liar, so you could see right through them, also, you had proof because of their Instagram posts. “I saw your Instagram. You told me you didn’t wanna see anyone because you weren’t feeling well. Why didn’t you wanna see me? Did I do anything wrong?” Your voice started to become a little unstable and tears started to well up in your eyes but you tried to hold them back as much as possible. 

Bella went quiet and you were just staring at them, waiting for an answer. “Sorry.” Was the only thing they could let out. “Sorry for what? I want an explanation Bella.” You raised your voice and caught Bella a bit off guard. You’ve never raised your voice at them before. “I’m sorry I avoided you. I was scared that we were getting too close, that we were..” pausing and taking a deep breath they continued, “falling in love or something.” Bella spoke in a whisper on their last sentence. You could barely hear what they said. “Why would that be a bad thing?” You were clearly getting annoyed, and Bella could easily tell. They opened their mouth to say something before they closed it again. They didn’t really know what to say. “Because I’m dying Y/N. I didn’t want to be selfish and only think of my own happiness. Because I think you too know there’s a chance I’m not going to make it.” At this point both you and Bella were crying, you had so much to say to them but you didn’t know how to express it. “But you never thought of talking to me about this? How I felt, what I want? Bella, I’m a fully grown person. I knew what I was getting into when I first got to know you and honestly, my heart broke just thinking about you avoiding me and not wanting anything to do with me anymore.” You felt kinda bad for Bella who was practically sobbing by now. It obviously was a hard topic for them to talk about. But you were still kinda annoyed. 

“I’m really sorry Y/N.” Before they finished their sentence you started talking again. “And for goodness’ sake stop saying that you’re gonna die! We don’t know that! Even if you are, if you set your mind on it too much, and keep saying that you’re gonna die you’re just gonna make everyone around you miserable. That, if anything, is selfish. You gotta try making the best of the situation.” Bella looked up at you for the first time since you two started talking. “You make my situation better.” Their voice was barely above a whisper, but you heard it. “Don’t you sweet talk me now! I’m still pissed at you! Even if you’re so freaking flirty!” You liked their response and tried to hide it since you were most definitely still mad at them.. definitely still mad. At least you wanted them to think so. “Bella, I understand that it’s hard for you. Shit, you have cancer, it fucking sucks honestly. The only thing I’ve been doing is supporting you and trying to cheer you up. It’s sweet that you feel that I make your days better but I have feelings too. I really like spending time with you but you gotta make some effort for me too.” Bella nodded to your words. “I understand. But we gotta make a deal. I’ll promise to do better if you give me a kiss.” You tried so hard not to break a smile, but you still did. Sighing you started to think it over. “Ah.. Haven’t I done enough for you yet?” you let out a small laugh. “But okay, deal.” You sat down beside Bella and took their hands in yours. You two sat in silence staring at each other for a few seconds, “So are you gonna make the first move or do I have to?” Bella chuckled at your remark and started to lean in. You got tired of how slowly they were leaning in and you brought your hands up to their face to grab it and smash your lips together. You didn’t really make out, but you kissed them for a good minute. “I think this deal is our best one yet.” They said while stroking your cheek and you just laughed at their words. You both laid down to cuddle and after a while fell asleep.

A few months went by and you had spent time with Bella basically every day. You walked down the hall to their room as you did everyday. Opening the door to their room, Bella wasn’t there. You looked around but couldn’t find them. You had brought food, so you put it down to go look for them. Carefully closing the door, you went to the nurse station to ask if they’ve seen them. They didn’t know where Bella was. You started to walk to the activity room where they sometimes would hang out with other patients. As soon as you turned at the corner someone grabbed your face and kissed you out of nowhere. At first you were surprised and annoyed, but as your eyes sprung open in shock you saw that it was Bella and you started to kiss them back. “Surprise, babe.” They mumbles against your lips. You giggled at their antics and you ended up making out. Another patient happened to enter but you both made him promise not to tell the nurses. 

Bella had been trying a new treatment recently, and they were actually starting to get better, although they were still waiting for the hospital to find a surgeon. Since Bella was getting better, you had started to spend a lot more time together outside of the hospital. Going to the movies, eating in restaurants, shopping, going on walks and having picnics, meeting Bella’s friends and going to the television workshop. You two actually made a visit to your job too, since you remembered Bella really wanted to go there. But the happiest moments were when you two spent time at the television workshop with their friends. They all loved you so much and even if Bella barely could practice himself, you still made an effort to show support for their biggest passion. 

You and Bella were alone in the practice room and were joking around as “Can’t help falling in love with you” by Haley Reinhart came on. Bella instantly stopped what they were doing. “Care for a dance, my love?” They held out their hand to you and you accepted it with a giggle. You two started to slow dance to the song, doing some twirls here and there, but mainly just dancing as close to each other as possible and having eye contact. It was such a romantic and lovely moment until the door spurt open and your heads turned to the door. Standing in the door frame was Amanda who looked utterly disgusted. “I forgot my earphones.” She quickly went to get them and turned around in the door before she went out and closed it, “Please don’t end up having sex in the practice room and I think I speak for everyone when I say that.” With one last weary look, Amanda closed the door. You and Bella just exchanged looks and ended up bursting into laughter after the encounter with Amanda. 

You were playing video games with Bella and Wilmer in Bella’s room when it knocked on the door. Elsa who sat behind you went up to open the door. She opened and there stood two nurses, with weird looking smiles on their faces. “Bella!” one of them shouted, Bella’s reflexes worked quickly as they turned their head to where the voice was coming from. You paused the game and you and Wilmer put down the controllers to hear what’s going on. “Hey, what’s up?” Bella said with a confused tone in their voice. “We found a surgeon for you.” Everything went quiet after the nurse spoke. “What? If that’s a joke then I’m moving to another hospital Anna, I swear to god.” With a raised eyebrow Bella pointed at the nurse who apparently was called Anna, who also gave them the news. “I’m not kidding. She’s from Switzerland and we’ve scheduled a surgery as soon as next week on friday.” Everyone was speechless. Isaac was the first one to react. He went up to Bella and gave them a hug while starting to cry. “Did anyone else think that he was gonna do something inappropriate at first or was I the only one?” Wilmer spoke up and everyone agreed before he got a slap on his arm from Martha beside him. “Of course we did but we’re not always supposed to say everything we think!” she whispered to Wilmer .

The days were getting closer to the surgery and Bella was visibly getting more nervous as the days went by. Their parents are now here too for support as they haven’t been able to visit as much as they would’ve liked to. “How are you doing?” You asked Bella as you two were walking in the park. “Are you nervous?” They squeezed your hand before he started talking. “Yes, very much so, there’s literally so many risks with this surgery you know? But, I’m also so thankful for this opportunity, and I have all these amazing people by my side at all times.” They were looking down at the ground as they kept speaking, “So even if I’ve never been this scared in my life, I've also never been this thankful in my life.” You smiled at their words and gave them a quick kiss before you started walking back to the hospital.

The day had arrived. Everyone was really emotional. Bella was pacing around their room waiting for the nurses to go get them. They had earlier met with the surgeon, Livia, and they went through the whole procedure together with Bella’s parents. Everyone was watching Bella pace, their friends, their parents, and you. “Are you sure you shouldn’t sit down and calm down a little Bella?” your voice was hoarse from crying and lack of sleep. They just shook their head and kept on pacing. It knocked on the door and every head in the room turned to the door. No one went to open it. “Someone go open it, I can’t do it!” Bella shouted while waving their hands crazily above their head. Their mom got up to open the door. “Are you ready Bella? We’ll come and get you in 15.” was all the nurse said before she left again. Bella's mom got them to finally lay down after a minute of Bella freaking out. Everyone was hysterically crying and telling Bella how everything is gonna be fine and wishing them luck. You had been waiting for your turn to speak to them and finally you got it. You took both of their hands in yours. “I love you, so so much.” The tears were streaming down your face and Bella brought your hands up to their lips to kiss them. “But I don’t want you to worry, everything is gonna be fine.” Your voice cracked at the last word and Bella giggled. “I know, my love. In the end, everything will turn out alright.” They sat up a little bit to kiss you. “Also, can you bring me carbonara when I come back? I haven’t had it for so long, I would absolutely love to celebrate a successful surgery with some carbonara.” You laughed at them before you answered, “Deal.”

A few minutes later Bella had left and the only thing you could hear was people crying and wiping their noses. After a few hours you and Bella’s parents were the only ones left in the room. Bella’s parents had basically forced the others to go home and sleep since everyone had stayed up all night the day before the surgery. You had to grab some air so you went to buy some carbonara for later. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath when you stepped outside. It was in the middle of summer and the sun was shining. You walked slowly to the restaurant so you could enjoy the weather and think about something else so you wouldn’t spiral. You came back after an hour and set down the carbonara on the table beside you. The only thing left now was to only wait.

At the end of the day, the carbonara never moved. It stood there on the table so peacefully in the background while you were on your knees sobbing as a nurse held you, after receiving the news that the love of your life, had taken their last breath.

♪

“The evil it spread like a fever ahead,

It was night when you died, my firefly

What could I have said to raise you from the dead?

Oh could I be the sky on the Fourth of July?

.. The hospital asked, “should the body be cast?”

Before I say goodbye, my star in the sky

Such a funny thought to wrap you up in cloth

Do you find it all right, my dragonfly?”

♪

[laniidae-passerine]

I know some people are talking about Sally and Barry attempting to emulate their mentors in certain situations, which backfires on them, but I don’t think Barry gave up on trying to be Fuches halfway through. Actually, it was a perfect impression. When he started screaming down the line at Hank, it’s because that’s what Fuches does. Whenever Barry tells him firmly that it’s over and he’s not going to help Fuches anymore, Fuches loses his shit; he yells at Barry that he’s pathetic, he won’t survive without him, when I find you motherfucker! Barry’s mistake was failing to recognise that Hank isn’t him. Hank respects himself, genuinely cares about other people and, most importantly, won’t degrade himself just to feel like somebody loves him. But Barry absolutely would and, with all his other damage, that’s why he’s furious that Hank somehow says no to him.

[skoulsons]

ILL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEE

[pythiaswine]

i will skin anybody alive who says this episode or that episode of The Last of Us is boring because Oh it doesn't have infected and Where is my God-given right to watch senseless violence on television LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, why are you so goddamn desensitized to humanity and love that the couple episodes we get (which are still plot-important) exploring specifically relationships, love, and compassion in a post-apocalyptic world that you are genuinely bored? does it mean nothing to you? have you no shame when you say you're bored watching an episode of the zombie show that is still, in spite of focusing on the relationship of two people, suspenseful and sad?

hmmm it's almost like you were bored by episode 7 because it was the backstory for a queer teenage girl and you don't give a shit about something that doesn't prominently feature men. like bro episode 7 was so vital to the plot and characters. i hate everybody who watched TLOU and didn't appreciate the parts that weren't action-packed violence. it was never meant to reach that sort of audience. it's a show about humanity. get a grip

[yellowharrington]

save a horse (ride a cowboy!) -- joel miller x reader

pairing + fandom: joel miller x reader, the last of us (hbo)

word count: 3.9k

warnings/notes: smut and porn!!! minors DNI, 18+!!! no outbreak!au. she/her pronouns used, afab!reader (with mentions of body parts), no use of y/n. age gap (joel is at least 10 years older). drinking (both reader and joel), unprotected PIV, oral (f receiving), spanking, dirty talk, car sex. if i missed anything lmk!

a/n: recommended listening: save a horse (ride a cowboy) by big & rich. honourable mention to austin by dasha bc it's been on repeat. please take the time to leave comments/reblog if you liked it <3 thank u for reading!! divider by @cafekitsune

summary: meeting an older man at the bar and spontaneously fucking him in his truck was not on your list of things to do for your first summer back in austin, but what can you do?

You hate going dancing.

Sweaty clubs with bodies brushing up against one another, sticky with the hot summer heat, confined to the walls of a crowded bar and beer sticking to the bottom of your shoes. Not the way you plan to spend your first Saturday night back in Austin for the summer, but Maddy is so convincing, your hand clasped around yours, a pleading look in her eyes. 

“I promise. It’s so fun. We’ll invite Kaylee and Erin and it’ll be a whole thing.”

You rolled your eyes at her, slipping your hand out from between hers. “Fine. One drink, one dance.”

She squealed with excitement and clapped her hands together, stepping up from the small cafe table. “We can pregame at mine. Wear that black top you have.”

You nod, thinking of the top in question. A corseted black thing that didn’t leave much to the imagination, breasts spilling out of the stop beneath the tight stitching. You think it probably got shoved to the back of your closet somewhere.

~

Joel hates going dancing.

Well, he doesn’t hate dancing. He just isn’t good at it, and hasn’t gone since his very early twenties. And he certainly would not be interested in spending the evening with Tommy at a country bar in downtown Austin, surrounded by women who would grimace at a pair of old men taking up a table.

But Tommy is convincing, hands gesturing around him annoyingly, until Joel gives in. “Fine. One drink. Then I’m leavin’.”

“This city is swarming with beautiful women,” Tommy says, knocking back another sip of his hot coffee. “And you’re too holed up inside to meet any of ‘em.”

“I like my own company,” Joel starts, bringing his own coffee mug to the sink. “Some of us are happy by ourselves.”

Tommy snorts, a hand clapping onto Joel’s shoulder. “Keep tellin’ yourself that, big shot. We’ll see when there’s a bunch of hotties in front of ya, then you can tell me that you like being alone.”

Joel gags at his use of the word ‘hotties’, and pulls his work boots on. “I can still change my mind, ya know.”

~ 

Night falls over the suburbs of Austin, taking the sunshine but leaving the humid, sweet heat in the air. You’re surrounded by your friends at Maddy’s apartment, a light pink gloss swiping across your lips. You’ve managed to dig out the top she had mentioned earlier, tied in a tight bow at the back. Your dark jeans hit just below it, letting slivers of smooth skin show, which somehow seemed sluttier than the fact your boobs were practically falling out of the top. Your jeans outlined the plump curve of your ass, a pair of dark cowboy boots adorning your calves. The last time you’d dressed like this was a long time ago, so it felt a little foreign, but not uncomfortable.

The cab ride to the bar is eventful, with 4 girls singing along to the songs on the radio at the top of your lungs. You were already a drink or two deep, having done some brightly coloured shot at Maddy’s house, taking it without thinking. You still weren’t planning on doing anything insane tonight, and bar drinks were expensive, so this was probably the best it was going to get for you.

The car pulls up to the bar and waits for you all to pour out, flashing your IDs to the bouncer, sliding inside past the thrums of people already inside. The bar was almost full, dance floor packed, drinks being poured by every bartender. Neon signs and amber lamps served as the only lighting for the establishment, already making things feel fuzzy around the edges for you.

Joel sits at a rickety wooden table in the corner of the bar with Tommy, scratching the wet label off of his beer bottle. He had fished out a plaid t-shirt from his closet, his usual jeans taught across his thighs and a pair of nicer boots than his work ones on his feet. His hair was pushed back, curls still lapping at the nape of his neck and curves of his ear. He was noticeably older than the other patrons of the bar, painfully aware of that fact, he felt rather uncomfortable. Tommy didn’t seem to mind, feet tapping at the beer-washed hardwood. “Stop lookin’ so mad,” he remarks, close to Joel’s ear. “You’ll scare ‘em all away.”

There are groups of people pouring in from outside, bachelorette parties and frat boys, making Joel feel unbelievably out of place. It was hard to lighten up when he wasn’t sure exactly what he was doing here.

The doors open once more, your group of friends pushing their way through the sea of people, hand in hand. Joel notices, one girl in a cowboy hat, one in denim jean cutoffs, one with a big belt buckle that glints pink against the light. 

Then he notices you.

His face softens as you follow behind your friends, as they push to the front of the line for a drink. He’s got 10 years on you, easy, but that doesn’t stop his cock twitching against the zipper of his suddenly too-tight jeans.

Soft curves, a top that fits you just right, and jeans that accentuate the dips and lines of your body. You’ve got warm energy, a bright smile adorning your glossed lips. 

You barely even notice him, until you turn around and make eye contact, your shining eyes meeting his. He’s too handsome for his own good, biceps and shoulders pressed tight against the sleeves of his shirt. He’s got his thighs spread across the chair he’s sitting in, towards you, almost like he wants you to come and just sit right on his lap.

You offer a small smile across the dim bar, taking your drink and following your friends to the last open table they’d spotted. A high top, back to the stranger now, giving him the opportunity to see your shape. He swears you’re sticking your ass out on purpose, so he can see the soft skin where your jeans meet the bottom of your top. 

“Joel,” Tommy’s voice cuts through the bustle of the bar. “If you’re gonna be so fuckin’ miserable, we can go. There’s another place-“

Joel stops him, teetering his beer towards his brother. “This is fine. We can stay for another round.”

~ 

You pull yourself away from the group after finishing your round of sugary drinks and shots, your head beginning to buzz. “I’ll get the next ones,” you giggle, pushing yourself out of your seat and steadying yourself on the ground. “Green tea shots?” The girls hoot and holler back to you, as you turn on your heels towards the crowded bar. 

Joel gets up, almost looking panicked, when he sees that you’re leaving your group. He downs the rest of his beer and tips his head towards Tommy, as if to ask, “another?”. Tommy nods and sits back in his chair, continuing to observe. Joel makes a beeline, able to slide right beside you in line.

You can smell the cologne and laundry detergent on his clothes while he stands behind you, shuffling on his feet. You can almost feel his nerves, radiating off of his large form. 

He can smell your perfume and shampoo, it’s intoxicating. 

Joel is served first, the bartender leaning forward to listen to his request. “Two Buds, and uh,” you feel a soft hand on your shoulder. If you couldn’t see that it was him, someone would have a black eye.

“What are you drinkin’, darlin’?”

His voice is sweet like honey as he dips down to be so unbelievably close to your ear, his hand now on the side of your arm. Heat spreads up your neck at his proximity. 

“Oh, I’m getting like 4 shots, you don’t have to-“

“What kinda shots?”

“Uh, green tea. Green tea shots.”

“And four green tea shots.”

The bartender nods as Joel slides his cash across the bar, turning, and looking down at you slightly. You feel impossibly small in that moment.

“You really did not have to do that, thank you.” You’re on your tip toes, a hand pressed against his chest now, lips as close to his ear as you can get. 

He shivers. He can’t remember the last time someone was this close to him in this way. 

“No problem,” he waves it off, taking the two beers by the neck of the bottle and moving over slightly for you to grab the shots. 

Your ass brushes across the front of his jeans, and he knows it’s intentional.

“Thanks again for the drinks,” and you’ve disappeared back into the crowd in a second.

Oh. Nevermind.

He can’t help but feel a little dejected, slinking back to his seat with Tommy and passing him his beer. “Struck out, huh?”

“Shut up.”

Joel watches your table still, annoyed, but not entirely surprised. Pretty stupid of him to think you’d want to fraternize with a man such as himself, so much older than you. Maybe he’d come off too strong?

His head is all but hanging in his hands when he watches you get up again, your friends coming along with you. He averts his eyes in embarrassment, not noticing that you’re making your way over to his table.

Tommy notices.

“Ladies!” He draws out, hands thrown up in the air. Joel looks up then, locking in eyes with you immediately.

“Didn’t think I’d leave you hanging, did ya cowboy?” A smile tugs at his lips as you extend a hand to him. “After you were so nice?”

He laughs a little, your other friend taking a hold of Tommy and pulling him towards the crowded dance floor. He’s very easily persuaded.

“Come dance with me!”

“Oh, I’m not a dancer,” he laughs, warm and honeyed. It makes heat pool in your core.

“Neither am I. Come anyways.”

All he can do is obey, taking your hand and letting you lead him away from the table. 

~

The music pulses under your feet as you end up in a tight line, shoulder to shoulder. He can’t stop looking at you, leaning down to speak into your ear. 

“I wasn’t kiddin’ when I said I didn’t know how to dance,” he explains, and his breath is hot against the curve of your ear.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get it when we start goin’. Just follow me.”

And I saddle up my horse

And I ride into the city

I make a lot of noise

Cause the girls

They are so pretty

Joel’s eyes are parked on your body as you start to move along to the steps of the line dance, feet tapping against the hard wood of the floor beneath you. Your hands are up by your face, clapping along to the beat. He tries to follow along, at least stepping in the right direction, clapping at the right time, but it’s no use.

Your body is insatiable - hips rolling to the pounding music. The curves and lines of your ass, paired with the soft tissue of your breasts nearly busting out of the top you chose to wear. Your skin is supple, shining against the dance floor lights that are favouring him right now as he lets a red blush engulf the skin of his cheeks and neck. 

He wonders what it looks like underneath, peeled off and bunched up around your ankles, or thrown on the floor of his bedroom. He thinks of fingering the ties of your shirt, loosening them and pushing it off, his hand across the front of your throat as he makes you look at yourself. How pretty you are. Goosebumps spread across the exposed skin of his arm.

You grab his hand suddenly, and he’s taken out of his daydream. Your eyes are fiery as you let yourself get even closer to him, feeling bold enough to put his hand across the small of your back.

“Follow me,” you command, as he looks down at the footwork you’re doing along to the song.

Riding up and down Broadway

On my old stud Leroy

And the girls say

Save a horse, ride a cowboy!

He attempts to follow it again, egged on by the feeling of your hot skin against his thumb. He could honestly maybe cum just from this touch alone if he really tried.

It’s not actually as hard as he thought, if he concentrates. A few steps, repeated over and over again, until it comes naturally. You notice how easily he picks it up, smiling up at him, beaming up while he’s lost in thought. 

The song picks up, and the whole floor is enthralled by the dance. You see Joel’s smile light up the room, and he hasn’t dared to move his hand from your back. You don’t mind.

When your body turns toward his, he halts before almost running into you, still following the steps along to the song.

“Do you wanna get out of here?”

Your words take him by surprise, but they are not unwelcome. 

“Yes.” His hand envelops yours as he takes a look at Tommy, seeing that he’s still in the throws of the song with your friends.

Your hand leads him off the dance floor and towards the club bathroom, but he stops you, lips close to your ear again. “My truck is parked out back, if we want, a little more, um,” he clears his throat, “privacy.”

“Show me the way,” you smile, letting him pull you out the doors and into the darkness of the parking lot. 

He fishes for his keys nervously when you get to the side of his truck, an older model with blue paint. He can’t remember the last time he did anything like this, if he ever has, and it’s getting to his head.

“Let’s get in the back seat,” you say, taking him out of his trance. “Wanna feel you.”

He lets you in first, pushing across the bench seating as he slides in beside you. There’s a moment of awkwardness, before your hand reaches out to touch his denim-clad thigh. His breath hitches.

“Relax,” your smile is intoxicating to him, and he’s drinking you in. “We’re just here to have a little fun.”

He lets himself lurch forward, your lips pressed against his fervently. They’re rough and chapped, but cold from the beer he’d been nursing earlier, offering you some reprieve. 

Your hand snakes up his chest to the side of his throat, pulling him in to come closer and delve deeper. His tongue comes out to lick across your teeth and press against the soft wetness of your tongue, as his hand comes up to palm your breasts over your top, grabbing at any flesh he can get his fingers on. 

He quickly and deftly finds the bow Maddy had tied on the back, pulling it loose and letting the fabric relax so you he could pull it off of your form.

His hands began to explore the soft skin of your breasts, sucking a nipple into his mouth as you arch into him and let a strained moan come from your lips.

“Fuck,” is all you can think to say, because his large hands are spread across your back, forcing you closer, and into him. Soft moans escape your lips as you let him take what he needs from you.

“Off,” he commands suddenly, hooking his fingers into the belt loops of your jeans and yanking them down, after you pop the button and undo the zipper. Your boots have come off at some point in the tussle, and now you’re naked in the back seat of a stranger’s car with not much to say for yourself.

You push his flannel down his shoulders as his weight hovers over you, revealing how strong he really is. Rippling biceps beneath his tight shirt, strong chest, kind eyes. 

You’re lying beneath him, when his hands come up under your thighs to push them apart and expose your pussy to him. He kneels between your soft thighs, thankful for the dark night sky around him, as he delves into your heat with his warm tongue.

You see stars when he makes first contact, a broad stripe of his tongue sending you into space. He’s hungry for it, immediately suckling onto your clit and wrapping his lips around it, strong hands still pushing your thighs apart. He’s taking his time to taste you, wild and intricate, feeling the bulge in his jeans strain against the zipper.

“Oh, fuck,” you manage to get out, in between breathless moans. Your hand came down to tangle in his hair, feeling the soft locks between your fingers, enjoying the way he’s making your hips roll onto his face. You can’t help but rut against him, soaking his wet mouth with your slick, using him to get yourself off.

He’s moaning into your pussy, working his own now-free cock in one of his hands, while the other delves two fingers into your core. Your breath catches in your throat when he fills you, stretching you open and wide for him, hitting the perfect spot to make your stomach start to spasm as you threatened to unravel beneath him.

“Fuck, so good, so so good,” you laugh breathlessly, the ecstasy beginning to take over as he continued to work your pussy, and you felt the familiar white-hot feeling along the back of your thighs.

“I’m gonna, — oh my god,” you couldn’t even finish your sentence before he was tonguing at you harder, eyes flickering up to watch you. “I’m gonna fucking come.”

“Good girl,” he growls into you, only offering you momentary reprieve from his tongue before using the rest of his energy to help you ride out your orgasm on his face. Your hips bucked and spasmed against him, the windows fogging up with your hot breath as you fucked yourself on his fingers. He let you pull on his hair as moans tumbled from your lips, breathless and spent.

When you managed to come down, he took his fingers from inside you and pumped his cock a few times, now bobbing in between the two of you as he slid himself up your body to kiss up your chest and capture your soft lips into a kiss.

“Sit back,” you whispered, pushing on his chest to bring him back sitting upright. His jeans were pooled around his ankles now, and you had pulled his t-shirt over his head to meet the other clothes on the floor of the truck. You positioned yourself across his lap, pumping his cock a few times and feeling the girth around your fingers.

He looked blissed out, head against the headrest, savouring the feeling of your pretty hand around him. If he looked down between your two bodies he might come right then, at the sight. 

“You did so much work, baby,” you coo, sitting down on his thick cock and bottoming out immediately, just to watch his lips fall open and eyes flutter close at how tight you are. “Made me cum so easy.”

Your lips latch onto his neck as you kiss and lap at the rough skin, letting your hips rock back and forth, slowly at first. Getting used to his length inside of you would’ve been tough if he hadn’t opened you up so easily beforehand. 

“Move,” his hands come to your waist, lightly forcing you to grind down on his lap. His cock was hitting inside of you so perfectly as you swallowed him into your body, looking down as his head lulled back against the seat. “So fuckin’ pretty,” he started, letting you set the pace of your hips, hand coming up to paw at your breast once more.

“You like this cock, don’t you?” You nod, letting your hand come to the seat behind his head and steadying yourself before beginning to bounce in his lap. “Yeah, fuck, yeah I do.”

He’s in his element now, any and all shyness from the newness of the situation melting away as he pounded into you mercilessly. The truck was no doubt shaking back and forth a little, a steadying hand print the only window to the outside world. Joel didn’t even care if people could see, they’d just be jealous.

“I’m gonna, fuck-,” he starts, eyes cloudy at the edges, vision fuzzy as he looked up at you. You were fucked out, cock-drunk on him, watching as he was coming undone underneath you as you squeezed around him. “Oh yeah?” You tease, not letting up on the rhythm of your hips, his hand coming down to your ass in a firm slap.

You moaned then, arching your back into him and sitting back. “Where do you want me?”

He’s desperate to cum now. Even the thought of your pretty face beneath him, taking his hot ropes on your soft pink lips is making him jerk forward into you with need.

He pushes you off, and you wince from the loss of contact. He’s fisting his cock above you right away, pink tip ready to explode any second at the sight of you, tits pressed together. Your mouth is open, and he sticks his fingers in between your lips as you moan around them, tasting yourself.

“Cum all over me,” you start, pinching your nipples with your free hand. “Fuck, I want it.”

It’s enough for his knees to buckle and hot cum to shoot all over your stomach and tits, painting you white with his seed. His eyes squeeze shut as you watch him ride his orgasm out, balls emptying onto you as he slows down and regains consciousness, taking a second to drink you in when he can open his eyes again. 

Your breath is heaving as you take a finger to swipe some of his cum onto your finger, dipping the digit into your mouth. His brows furrow together as he pulls you up to kiss your lips, devouring you, hands coming up to each side of your face as if to thank you for such a good time.

“Been a while since I did anything like that,” he laughs, and you follow shyly. “You got like, a napkin?” You giggle, as he grabs something in the front seat for you to clean up with. “Thanks. That was fun.”

He nods in agreement, catching his breath before pulling his t-shirt over his head. “I suppose we should go back in there,” he checks his appearance in the rearview mirror, all blushed and fucked out. 

You put your top back on over your body, turning towards him. “Can you lace me back up, please?”

His hands begin to work at you, tightening a bow at the bottom much like it had been done before.

A thought crossed your mind that made a giggle escape your lips. “What?” Joel asked, amused, pulling his jeans back on over his hips. 

“I don’t think I ever got your name.”

He laughs too, thinking of the events that had transpired given neither of you knew such a basic piece of information. 

“I guess we can stick with cowboy.”

[xclowniex]

So there is a post going around with a realy suspicious map, and OP of the post has me blocked so here is a link to their post since I cannot reblog it.

Okay so, I looked into this as from my own experience the map looked suspicious.

The orignal post of the map has been deleted. You can find the deleted post on reddit about it here.

I managed to find a repost of the map on tumblr, which had linked to the deleted reddit post, and you can find the repost of the orignal map here. Now onto debunking OP's claim of the map.

The title of the map is not solely about the west bank, it is about full john oliver episodes being unavailable in countries. Not just the west bank episode, all full episodes.

When I try to watch the video, i get the below error from youtube

Yep your eyes do see correctly. It is the uploader who made it unavailable. This means that either John Oliver himself, his production team or HBO who has the rights to his show, decided to make his content not available to be viewed in certain countries.

A comment on the reddit post which I think people should read is

"The title of this post makes many people think OP means ‘countries that have banned this’. Instead, this is just ‘countries where a network pays for the broadcast rights for this show’. The highlighted countries are ones where the show is most popular. The blank countries are where it’s not popular, so they give it away for free to try to drum up support"

Aka this is not purposeful censorship by (((zionists)) like tumblr op is trying to frame it. Its not keeping what happens in the west bank a secret. It is a decision made by someone in charge of the show, to make as much money as possible. Which still sucks! But, it sucks for different reasons than what tumblr OP is alluding to.

3. Tumblr OP is being antisemitic. Whilst it is definately written in a more subtle way, it is still invoking the whole "jews control the media" trope. A well known antisemitic trope is still antisemitic even if "jew" is replaced with "zionist". This is because whilst not every use of "zionist" is a proxy word of jew, it happens more than you think, to the point where meta (instagram and facebook) updated their hate speech policy to puroposefully include "zionist when its being used as proxy (aka dogwhistle) for jew is now hate speech on our platform". Meta still allows it to be used when talking about zionism as a political ideology, and have only banned the use of it as a proxy for jew.

OP of this post has already blocked me (only found out when i saw this post), so I wanna thank @coffeeconcentrate for reblogging this and not having me blocked so I can actually have a chance at reaching even a small group of people to make them aware of this so they don't fall for this poorly made post.

[jinkiezzsstuff]

Written & Writing :)

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★

Currently I’m not writing for hazbin hotel- so sorry for anyone who wanted more as that’s most my following currently (so sorry lads ;-;) but it seems the focus on Hazbin Hotel + Helluva Boss has fizzled out. I’m currently on a Star Wars n the last of us (hbo) kick, perhaps if you’re interested in requesting something from there I’ll give it a go. Thanks for all the love sorry for disappearing kiss kiss

*: The stars indicate explicit content 18+, all GN pronouns and anatomically; otherwise will be specified.

Hazbin Hotel:

_____________________________________

𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒲𝒽𝑜𝓁𝑒 𝒞𝓇𝑒𝓌:

Transported (Male reader): 【1】 【2】

[3]

Reader gets thrown into the Hazbin Hotel after falling down a well, now he’s having a blast interacting with all his favs while also experiencing the fun first hand.

_____________________________________

𝐿𝓊𝒸𝒾𝒻𝑒𝓇:

Wing Grooming: 【1】 【2*】

You help Lucifer maintain his healthy wings, and in the first part he suggest stopping before things go south, in the second part, things go south straight to smut town.

-

Met the Devil* Human!reader || PT2

You’re a plain and simple human until you meet a strange man in the night who gives you a card, mysteriously that same strange man shows up at the cottage your house sitting.

Request: Cockwarming Lucifer at Mammon performance

_____________________________________

𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓇𝓁𝒾𝑒:

Zip Zap (male reader)

Charlie gets followed by Valentinos boys, readers there to save the day.

Request: Charlie x male reader *

_____________________________________

𝐸𝓂𝒾𝓁𝓎:

Knight (male reader) PT2

In the first part male reader saves Emily after she falls and gets nabbed up by Valentino, and in the second part you comfort her when she has nightmares about it.

_____________________________________

𝒜𝓁𝒶𝓈𝓉𝑜𝓇:

The Dog and The Deer

Reader is a dog demon, Alastor loathes the reader simply because it reminds him of his untimely death, and weak mortality. You however are incessant and want him to like you, you end up finding out why he hates you and possibly start a new friendship.

-

In Season (Fem Reader)*

Reader is pretty well acquainted with heat, but wasn’t typically affected, thats until she visits the hotel and a scent like no other hit her throwing all her reasoning out the window, Alastor felt the same when he sensed you come into the hotel. SMUT

-

At first sight*. || PT2 PT3*

Doe reader with white ears and tail has been Charlie’s bestie since childhood, and when they comes to the hotel is hesitant about the radio demon until they meet in the flesh and an instant attraction is there. Reader ends up dealing her soul to him in the form of marriage during a moment of intimacy.

-

Movie night. || PT2 PT3

Reader and the gang it sit down in the first part to watch Bambi, and it brings back some memories from his past. In the second part, Reader is excited to show Alastor princess and the frog due to the similarities, and in the third part Alastor treats reader to a date after the kindness of the nights prior.

-

Bully: [1]

Reader is an Imp who’d befriended Charlie and came to the hotel, Alastor makes sure to make readers life a living hell poking at all their soft spots reminding them they’re just a weak little imp. There will eventually be a second part with smut.

-

Back to Life: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

One day when waltzing through the woods a peculiar looking buck led you deeper into them, while following, you fell hitting your head and woke to a stranger standing over you. You don’t know where you are, how you got here, or who this guy is, but he’s all you’ve got and he’s utterly insane.

-

Request, cockwarming Alastor*

Request, Songfic: Noel’s Lament

Request Insecure Plus sized reader with Alastor

Request, Reader and Alastor fight and make up teehee, angst fluff smut

_____________________________________

𝒜𝒹𝒶𝓂:

Hate That I Love You

Father Adam (incomplete)

Request - Hosptialized adam teehee

_____________________________________

𝒱𝑜𝓍:

Big Fan (incomplete)

Request; singer reader who vox becomes obsessed with FEM

_____________________________________

𝐿𝓊𝓉𝑒:

Showers* (Fem reader Incomplete)

Obsessed with me (Fem reader incomplete)

_____________________________________

𝒱𝑒𝓁𝓋𝑒𝓉𝓉𝑒:

Rivalry To Romance (Female Reader)

You always found yourself in competition with Velvette and you found her to be an insufferable brat, turns out it’s just a wee crush.

_____________________________________

𝒱𝒶𝓁𝑒𝓃𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑜:

Request Val bratty reader FEM

Request: bunny reader and spanking

_____________________________________

Helluva Boss: Nothing yet!

Five Nights at Freddy’s:

_____________________________________

Mike Schmidt:

Multifaceted*

Paranormal Investigator

[sixhours]

who knows where the time goes

It's New Year's 2027 and the dads are going through it. An i know you by heart one-shot.

Rating: Explicit, 18+, here be smut. Words: 11k Series tags: The Last of Us, The Last of Us (HBO), Prospect, Joel Miller x Ezra, Joel & Ellie, Ezra & Cee, Joel is bad at feelings and relationships, Ellie is a little shit (affectionate), fluff for once, canon-compliant with season 1, SMUT, smut right off the bat, don't say I didn't warn you, gay sex, anal fingering, blowjobs, bisexual!Joel, gay!Ezra, homophobia and use of homophobic slurs, romance, age gap (~10ish years so barely a thing), I've probably forgotten some so please let me know <3

Notes: Look Ma, no angst! The boys are back and they're stupid in love and their kids are growing up even if that's hard to accept.

You can also read who knows where the time goes on AO3

Joel is beginning to wonder why the hell he agreed to this.

Ezra came what could have been minutes or hours or days ago. He’s in no rush to finish the job they’d started in the shower, and now Joel is hard as a rock and trussed up with a belt securing his wrists to the headboard, and his partner seems intent on edging him to the point of delirium.

Ezra releases his cock from between kiss-swollen lips and Joel looks down, gritting his teeth in frustration. This is the third time he’s come so close to release he could almost taste it, and now Ezra is smirking that coy little smirk and crawling up the bed in the wrong fuckin’ direction. He kisses his way back up Joel’s body, lingering on his stomach, nipping at the softness there, dipping his tongue into Joel’s navel, then coming up to tease a nipple with the flat of his tongue until he arches.

“Hello, songbird,” he whispers, nuzzling at Joel’s lips with the tip of his prominent nose.

“I hate you,” Joel growls, an errant tear of frustration drawing a wet trail down to his temple.

“You don’t mean that, cher ,” he says, eyes flashing. “You know the safeword. Use it at your leisure, mon coeur , unless…you think you can take a little more…”

Joel groans as Ezra purposefully lays his weight along him, thigh pressed firmly along his leaking cock, offering barely enough friction to satisfy. He wriggles against him anyway, seeking any kind of release at this point, reduced to humping his goddamned leg like a dog.

Oh, the things he’s going to do to that man when he gets his hands free.

Ezra seems preoccupied with his neck, the line of his jaw, stubble scraping against stubble that he wishes was scraping somewhere else. Like between his thighs. There’s the brush of his lips at the hollow of Joel’s throat, the bite of teeth testing the tender flesh. Then he’s being kissed soundly, hungrily, lower lip sucked greedily into Ezra’s hot mouth, tongues slipping over one another in a lush dance that does little to cool the roaring fire in his lower belly or soothe the heaviness between his legs.

And then he’s left gasping, no more friction, no more warmth or weight, and he growls a protest and tugs at the restraint. His eyes roll in his head at Ezra’s gentle huff of laughter, and he’s halfway to slipping his hands out of the belt loops–they’re not that tight–when Ezra’s mouth finds his cock again.

“Ohhh oh oh fuck,” he manages, a strangled cry of surrender.

His breath comes in hot, frantic pants as Ezra’s tongue swirls a brand just inside the tip of his foreskin, and an errant flick against the slit elicits an involuntary whimper from Joel’s lips. Then he’s wrapped in the hot wet silk of Ezra’s mouth, his tongue sliding and slicking every inch, grunting when his cheeks hollow and he sucks, a rough tug upward that sends sparks of molten ecstasy up Joel’s spine. He’s so worked up at this point, it takes almost nothing to bring him to the edge, hips bucking and straining to follow the source of his pleasure.

“Baby…oh, god, Ez, please…I’m gonna…gonna come,” he grits out.

Ezra chooses that moment to pull away, deep brown eyes wide and feigning innocence.

“I do believe that’s the point of this little exercise, mon cœur .”

“Fuck!” Joel roars as his orgasm slips quietly out of reach. Again.

“Mmmhmm,” Ezra coos, drawing it out in a self-satisfied hum as he plants a kiss on Joel’s hip, rubs his scruff against the tender skin of his inner thigh, levers his legs apart with broad shoulders and draws lazy circles along his sac with his tongue. “Yes, that is the idea here.”

“Is it?” Joel pants, bucking his hips in a vain effort to get Ezra’s attention back where it needs to be. “Because that’s not…not what…oh, fuck, Ez, don’t stop…ah, fuck.”

He loses his train of thought as Ezra adeptly sucks one of his balls into his mouth, holds it, runs the soft wet muscle of his tongue around it.

“I think you like it,” Ezra murmurs, muffled by the vee of his legs as his tongue dips and licks and sucks lower, tasting his own sticky release between Joel’s legs. Then one thick finger slides in easily, followed by another.

Joel squirms as he begins petting that spot inside with the tips of his fingers, stoking the throbbing heat in his gut. He’s leaking precum in a steady stream, cock twitching whenever Ezra pushes in and hooks his fingers at just the right angle. Rubbing and rubbing and stroking until Joel fairly keens.

“Please,” he whimpers. “Oh, fuck, please Ez, please I need…I need–”

“What do you need, cher ?”

“You,” Joel growls, the word rumbling up from somewhere deep in his chest, reduced to the throbbing between his legs, the heat boiling at the base of his spine, the persistent aching want of it.

“Since you asked so nicely,” Ezra murmurs.

Ezra lifts his head, securing his fingers and taking Joel’s cock so deep his nose brushes the soft thatch of hair at the root. He can’t look away when Ezra’s eyes meet his own, anchoring him, even as his body arcs and twitches like a live wire, heels digging into the mattress when his sensitive head hits the back of his throat. And when he finally begins to move with purpose, when it’s clear he has no intention of slowing or stopping or delaying the inevitable, Joel thinks he might black out from the intensity, head slamming back to the pillow with a cry that is as much relief as pleasure.

please, please, baby, please, ezra, love, please

He’s not even sure if he’s saying the words aloud. His mouth is moving, sounds of pleasure bubbling forth as Ezra devours him with firm strokes of his mouth, over and over and over, fingers tapping a heartbeat rhythm inside him. He’s nothing but heat and throb and pulse and so full and wet and–

oh oh oh yes there right there right oh god ezra yes please

Joel finally comes, and comes, and comes, orgasm drawn out for what feels like eternity. Arms aching and taut, shoulders on fire, body jerking and arching until he’s drained and limp with it. And Ezra doesn’t stop, just continues his ministrations, softer swipes of his tongue, gentle suckles, licking him and lapping at him like a fucking ice cream cone until even the slightest movement sends his body into a fit of overstimulated shivers and the safeword is dancing on the tip of Joel’s tongue.

When he’s completely soft, Ezra finally releases him, carefully straddling his hips. Joel doesn’t have a single muscle left at his command. He tries to move and his body just…doesn’t.

And Ezra, the smug bastard, seems really fucking pleased with himself.

“Did so good for me, love,” he murmurs, tugging at the strap securing Joel’s wrists to free him from the headboard, guiding his arms down to rest against his chest. He’s far too adept given his lack of a second hand, and if Joel weren’t so fucked out, he might think to question Ezra’s skill with restraints.

Ezra takes one of Joel’s wrists in hand, examining it with soft eyes. He kisses the pink stripe of skin where the belt etched a mark, soothes it with his tongue, then kisses the tip of each knuckle before gently lowering the arm, repeating the ritual with his other wrist. Joel winces; his shoulders are gonna feel it tomorrow. Hell, his whole body is going to feel it tomorrow.

“Sore?” Ezra murmurs as if reading his mind.

Joel doesn’t have the energy to do much more than blink in response. He’s coated in a fine sheet of sweat, the sheets beneath them soaked. His heart throbs in his throat.

When he finally finds his voice, all he can utter is, “You’re a fuckin’ menace.”

Ezra grins then, the boyish, cocky smile that made Joel fall in love with him. He slides down until he’s resting against Joel’s side, lets their lips meet and parts them easily with the deft swipe of his tongue. He tastes himself, lets Ezra lick into his mouth with a shuddering whimper. Even now, overstimulated as he is, he lets Ezra take what he needs, take and take and take, deepening the kiss until his head swims, until they’re both breathless from sharing each others’ air. Ezra is somehow more needy after sex, nuzzling and nipping like he can’t get close enough, only satisfied when Joel finds the strength to roll to his side and wrap an arm and a leg around him, caging him with his body and pressing him firmly into the mattress.

“Let me take my reprieve for a moment, then I’ll draw us a bath,” Ezra rumbles against Joel’s throat.

“Ain’t movin’,” Joel says.

“You are,” Ezra says easily, kissing his nose. “I cannot abide the night in this sweaty, soiled bedding.”

“Shower, then,” he mutters. “You put me in the bath and I’m stayin’ there ‘til next week.”

“Fair enough.”

And they do eventually work up the energy to shower, a perfunctory wash that has Joel leaning against the wall with exhaustion and Ezra doing most of the work to clean them both. He leaves to let Joel finish up, and by the time he’s dried off and pulled on his boxers, Ezra has already changed the sheets and is sitting up in bed, reading glasses perched on his nose as he frowns at some psychology text, damp hair curling around his ears.

The sight of him like this, so domestic, still flushed from sex and the shower, stirs a primal feeling in Joel’s gut, something new and unexplored. It’s the same feeling that led him to stash a small blue box in the back of his nightstand drawer, a box he hasn’t worked up the courage to think about since he put it there a few months ago.

But he’s too damn tired to ponder that right now.

He slides between clean sheets and pulls the quilt up to his chin and plants a kiss on the side of Ezra’s thigh because it’s the only part of him within reach. He’s already half asleep when Ezra pauses his reading to curl over him, whispering a soft goodnight into his ear.

~*~

Joel wakes with a groan several hours later. He’d barely moved in the night, hadn’t even turned over once, and now he’s paying for it, every muscle stiff with the pleasant ache of overuse.

“Songbird,” Ezra rumbles in his ear.

A slow kiss good morning turns into something more, something unhurried and deep and languid with no ulterior aim. Just the thought of trying to get it up again makes Joel’s groin ache, anyway.

“Mmm, mornin’,” he murmurs into Ezra’s mouth, not quite breaking the kiss, not quite ready to leave their warm cocoon. His lips wander, nipping at Ezra’s chin, his neck, suckling at the freckle just behind his left ear, that hidden spot that makes him shudder.

Downstairs, the door slams.

“Joel?”

Ellie’s voice echoes up the stairs. She moved into the garage over the summer, after she turned seventeen, right about the time Ezra started sleeping over on a more permanent basis. The extra space seems to have done their relationship some good and given them all some necessary privacy, but usually she’s the one joining them for breakfast and not the other way around.

“Jesus, what time is it?” Joel mutters.

Ezra rolls over and squints at the clock. “Eight-thirty.”

“Joel? Ezra?”

“We’re comin’,” Joel calls, stealing one more kiss before he slips reluctantly out of bed. “Hold your damn horses.”

By the time he makes it downstairs, a pot of coffee is bubbling on the stove and Ellie is frying eggs in the large cast iron skillet.

“Wild night?” she asks, not looking up from the pan. “Wait, don’t answer that. I don’t wanna know.”

Joel snorts, headed straight for the coffee, dropping a kiss on the back of her head.

“This the good stuff?” he asks, peering over her shoulder.

“Mmhm. Leftover from Christmas,” Ellie says, flipping an egg, yolk breaking all over the pan. “Damnit.”

He groans in wordless appreciation and pours himself a cup. The first sip is almost as orgasmic as…well. He sighs a deep, rumbling sigh and carries his mug to the table, holding it in both hands with reverence.

“Should I leave you two alone?” she snarks, just as Ezra joins them.

“Morning, gem,” Ezra says, eyes brightening. “Ooh, is that real coffee I smell?”

“The finest shitwater this side of the Mississippi,” Ellie drawls. “100% pure, uncut shit.”

This does nothing to dissuade Ezra from pouring himself a cup and indulging with the same reverence as his partner. Ellie pours herself some apple juice and slides the eggs onto three plates, carrying all of it to the kitchen table.

“Are you two going to the bonfire tonight?” she asks, sitting down and forking half an egg into her mouth in one swift motion.

“Wouldn’t miss it, gem,” Ezra says, just as Joel mutters, “Don’t think so.”

Ellie smirks as they exchange a look.

“S’the same thing as last year,” Joel grumbles. “New year, new flag, someone gets drunk and tries to set themselves on fire by fallin’ into the pit. Not a whole helluva lot to miss.”

“Come, songbird, you can’t tell us there isn’t a certain hopeful, buoyant energy about the time. Is there nothing more sacred than the ritual of a community overcoming all odds, welcoming the year with fresh spirits?”

“At least it’s not a stupid dance,” Ellie supplies. “And there’ll be marshmallows. Talia made loads.”

“See? Marshmallows!” Ezra nudges Joel, who grumbles a non-answer and returns his attention to his coffee.

“And I heard Marnie Jacobs designed the flag this year,” Ellie continues. “So you know it’ll be weird.”

The town flag has become a Jackson New Year’s tradition. Instead of a ball drop, the final ten seconds of the year are celebrated by raising a new flag in the town square. The design is kept secret by the council and its creator until its reveal, and at this time of year, speculation runs rampant. Joel figures this is what passes for entertainment in a world without reality TV.

“Ellie,” he scolds mildly.

“What? It’s true, Marnie’s a fuckin’ weirdo. Didn’t say it was a bad thing. Anyway, I’m going to be with Cat and Dina and Jesse so feel free to pretend you don’t know me.”

“Won’t Cee be joining you?” Ezra asks.

“No, she’s going with Luke.”

There’s a heavy pause as Ezra narrows his eyes. “I see.”

“You don’t like him very much, do you?” Ellie says nonchalantly, taking a sip of her juice. Joel gives her a light kick under the table and shoots her a look.

Ezra scowls, grabbing his plate and taking it to the sink. “I have no reason to dislike the boy.”

He spits out the word boy with clear disdain. Cee and Luke have been an ongoing topic of contention since they started dating last summer. Ezra seems to have abandoned his usual easy-going attitude with regards to this particular part of Cee’s life in favor of watching the two like a hawk and griping about how close they’ve become, both literally and figuratively. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the relationship that Joel can see–just that Cee is one of the two people involved.

“However–” Ezra begins, clearly about to hold forth. Again.

“Annnnd that’s my cue,” Ellie says, hopping up from the table with a mouthful of food, gulping down the rest of her juice, and tossing her plate in the sink.

“Deserter,” Joel hisses under his breath as his kid abandons him to Ezra’s monologue, practically frolicking out the door. 

“Cee is too young to be tying herself down, she’s barely old enough to know what she wants, what’s good for her–”

“Uh-huh,” Joel says, sipping his coffee, knowing it’s better to let Ezra wear himself out than try to interject. But he’s still going when the dishes are done and they’re walking to their respective assignments; Ezra to his office, still at his old house, and Joel to a remodeling project on the north end of town.

“I know you see her as a kid, but she’s twenty years old, Ez,” Joel tries, when it’s clear his partner is not going to be subdued.

“He’s older,” Ezra counters.

“By six months,” Joel says, quirking his lips.

“Still, I am loath to see birdie’s impressionable young mind corrupted by–”

“She’s a smart kid. She ain’t gettin’ corrupted.”

“They’re always together, always on top of each other–”

“Most I’ve ever seen ‘em do is hold hands.”

“The autumn dance?” he says insistently. “Remember? One couldn’t have pried the two apart with a crowbar.”

“He was nothin’ but respectful, hands never went south of her waist. I know, because you made us watch ‘em all damn night,” he grumbles. “Luke’s a good patroller, hard worker, got a good head on his shoulders. He’s polite, does his job. Mom’s on the council–”

“None of which means he isn’t harboring sinister motives, songbird.”

“They seem happy enough. They’re young, sure, but…Cee could do a lot worse.”

“Well, I don’t trust him. You and I are far too familiar with the habits of young men of a certain age.”

Joel snorts. “You’re preachin’ to the choir. But the clinic’s got birth control.”

“She’s on it, I made sure of that,” he says, frowning. “But there are worse things than pregnancy. She has that whole house to herself, and I can’t help but think they have a bit too much freedom, too much space in which to make trouble.”

“Don’t think ‘trouble’ is the word you’re lookin’ for,” he smirks, eliciting a scowl from Ezra. “You could sleep at your place more often.”

He hates the idea as soon as the words are out of his mouth.

“Don't doubt I have considered it. I recognize the need for some independence on her part. I just…I can’t help but feel incredibly protective of her.”

“Congratulations, dad ,” he says wryly. “Welcome to the club.”

“I know where we come from, songbird,” he says, shoulders sagging a little. “I know what she…what we…went through. I fear she doesn't have a solid grounding in intimate relationships and therefore lacks the experience and…and foresight to fully grasp the consequences.”

“You fared alright,” Joel counters softly.

“Yes, well, I’ve had years to draw my own conclusions. She’s–she’s…”

For once, Ezra seems to find himself at a loss for words.

“She’s gonna figure it out the way the rest of us did,” Joel finishes for him. “Trial an’ error, an’ a little bit of heartbreak.”

They’ve reached his office. They linger outside while Ezra frowns, thoughtful.

“Would you be so cavalier if it were our…your young prodigy?”

Joel can’t help but notice the our , but he bites his lip on that.

“Y’know…I think I would,” Joel says. “‘Sides, Ellie’s not into that stuff yet. She’s got her friends…her patrols. Doesn’t seem all that taken by anyone.”

Thank fuck , he doesn’t say. He tries to imagine Ellie in a romantic relationship but can’t quite manage it. That Jesse kid seems to have taken a liking to her, but then he’s always hanging around with the girls…to the point where Joel wonders if he’s a little more like Ezra than Joel.

“Well, when she is, perhaps you’ll see it from my point of view,” Ezra sighs.

“Maybe so,” Joel says agreeably, placing his hands on Ezra’s shoulders until they’re standing face to face. “What was it you said? ‘Hopeful, buoyant energy?’ New year, new start? It’ll work out.”

He brightens. “Does that mean I’ll see you at the bonfire tonight?”

Joel huffs a breath into the cold. “Yeah…fine. I’ll be there.”

“Perhaps we’ll share a New Year’s kiss?” Ezra grins, moving closer. “We could practice…”

Joel lets himself be pulled into a one-armed embrace, lets Ezra’s mouth slant over his in a kiss reminiscent of their morning explorations, something on the edge of indecent for standing in the middle of the street.

“Yeah, yeah, go on,” Joel mutters when he finally pulls away, a blush creeping from the base of his neck to the tips of his ears. But he walks the rest of the way to work with a lightness in his step, thinking of the small blue box in his nightstand drawer.

~*~

The evening of the bonfire settles over Jackson crisp and clear. Joel goes home after work to wash up, finding a note on the table from Ezra–he got roped into helping set up in town. Ellie is nowhere to be found, probably finishing up with her work shift or off somewhere with her friends, so he eats a supper of leftover chicken and potatoes standing at the counter, alone. There was a time in his life here when this was the norm, and he doesn’t miss it.

He heads to the party around nine, drawn to the north field by plumes of fragrant woodsmoke and the sound of live music. They’re far away enough from town not to cause concern but still in sight of the square, and close to the creek so they have ready access to water, but there’s no wind tonight and no reason to think there will be trouble. There’s already a crowd around the roaring fire. Cold as it is, the intense warmth radiating from the central pyre is welcome.

Joel helps himself to a bottle of hard cider–it’s the closest thing they have to champagne–and finds Ezra at the edge of the crowd, chatting animatedly with Marnie. She’s eccentric, he’ll give Ellie that–bushy red hair, Coke-bottle glasses, neon pink ski jacket decorated with patches and buttons, but she’s friendly and talented with a sewing machine. She’s made clothes for half the town, and Joel is pretty sure the flannel he’s wearing under his jacket is one of hers.

He lingers in the background, content to watch his people enjoying the celebration. He glimpses Ellie and her friends off to one side, huddled together in that secretive way of teenagers, wanting to be in the middle of the action while still appearing aloof. Tommy is wrangling Isabel, the toddler doing her best to keep her father on his toes, drawn like a moth to a literal flame; Joel can’t help but think of Sarah at that age, the constant need for distraction and redirection. Maria is chatting with one of their neighbors, looking more relaxed than he’s seen her in a while. Izzy must finally be sleeping through the night.

Then he catches sight of Cee sitting on a log on the other side of the fire with Luke. They’re close, heads bowed together as they strain to hear one another over the crackling, popping fire and the crowd, lost in their own little world. Ezra sidles up to Joel with a frown.

“Perhaps I should check in, ensure our little birdie is–”

“Leave it,” Joel says, threading their fingers together. “And hello, by the way.”

“I just–”

“Ez, c’mon,” he murmurs, tugging him back, wrapping an arm around his waist. He’s not usually so affectionate in public but Ezra is pliant enough. He settles against his side, still eyeing the oblivious young couple with suspicion, and Joel not so subtly turns them and marches them in a different direction.

“C’mon, let ‘em enjoy the party without us old guys hangin’ around.”

“Their ‘enjoyment’ is exactly what I’m afraid of,” he grumbles, glancing over his shoulder as Joel practically drags Ezra to the cider table and forces a bottle into his hands.

“Never developed a taste for this stuff,” Ezra says, wrinkling his nose.

“Well, develop one,” Joel says drily. “You need to relax.”

“I am perfectly relaxed,” he mutters sourly, but he takes a large swig from the bottle.

At some point Ellie flits by, licking her fingers clean of what is probably her fifth toasted marshmallow, if Joel had to guess. She’s talking excitedly with Cat through a mouthful of white fluff when she notices them, waving with a grin and wandering their way. Cat is the most reserved of Ellie’s friends. Like Dina, she lives with her older sister, but Joel gets the sense she’s not looked after closely.

“Dude! You actually came,” Ellie says, punching Joel on the arm in greeting.

“Seems that way,” he agrees mildly, keeping what he hopes is a not-embarrassing distance. It takes all his self-restraint not to pull her into a hug and give her a noogie.

“What a pleasant surprise, you’ve decided to acknowledge our presence,” Ezra quips.

“Don’t worry, it’s temporary,” she smiles, eyes shining. “We heard Marcello found a bunch of those sparkler things on a scavenging run. We’re gonna go see if twenty-year-old fireworks still light.”

“What could go wrong?” Ezra says at the same time Joel opens his mouth to protest. But someone taps him on the back–Tommy with Isabel in tow–and Ellie and Cat and their plans are lost to the crowd. He sends up a silent wish for his kid to survive the night with all her fingers and toes intact before accepting his niece, bundled up against the cold in her winter snow suit.

“Someone wanted to see her uncles,” Tommy says, looking a bit rough around the edges.

“Unca Jojo! Unca Ra!”

“Sure she did,” he smirks. “More like daddy just needed a break from chasin’ her around all night, huh bug?”

“Biiiiiig fow,” she agrees. “Big fow owie.”

“You bet, kid. What’re you doin’ up this late, anyway?” he asks, and she launches into an explanation in toddlerspeak that Joel just barely understands.

“Mama n’ Dada bing Izzy wiff. Big fow! No ni-ni.”

“Everyone an’ their great aunt is here tonight,” Tommy shrugs. “Couldn’t find a sitter so bedtime is canceled. Don’t think we’re gonna make it to midnight, though.”

“Didn’t ask me,” Joel says. “Would’ve loved to have an excuse to get outta this.”

“I beg your pardon,” Ezra says, feigning offense, sticking out his tongue at Izzy, who giggles shyly. Babies aren’t Ezra’s thing, but he and Izzy have developed a tentative friendship based on a regular exchange of funny faces.

Conversation turns to the usual subjects; the weather, the never-ending list of community construction projects, council business, Izzy’s sleep habits, Ellie’s misadventures. At some point, Ezra quietly excuses himself and Joel loses track of him, focused instead on talking to Tommy and keeping Izzy from wiggling her way out of his arms.

When Joel thinks to look for him, searching the crowd of familiar faces, he finds his partner hovering over Cee and Luke. The kids look less than pleased. Joel is debating whether to intervene when Cee stands and leaves in a huff, and Ezra takes her place on the log next to a very uncomfortable looking Luke.

“Shiiiii–shoot,” he mutters, interrupting his brother and handing the baby back. “I gotta go.”

Tommy arches a brow. “Everythin’ okay?”

“Dunno yet,” he mutters before striding over to the other side of the bonfire.

“‘Scuse us,” he says to Luke, pulling Ezra up by the hand before he can protest and steering them away from the poor kid. Joel remembers when Sarah was little, how he and Tommy would joke about sitting on the porch, cleaning their guns if she brought a boy home. He’s pretty sure he just saw Ezra’s version of that in action.

“The hell did you say to them?” he growls when they’re away from the crowd.

“ Moi ? Nothing untoward. I simply asked after Luke’s intentions toward our…my…toward Cee.”

“Uh-huh,” Joel says, unconvinced.

“And then I had a…chat…with this Luke boy.”

“Worse than the damn toddler,” Joel grumbles. “Gotta follow you everywhere just to keep you from gettin’ in trouble.”

Ezra sulks, but he promises to leave the kids alone for the rest of the evening—an easy promise to make now that Cee appears to have abandoned the party.

The last of New Year’s Eve passes with conversation and music and the heat of the fire on their faces. Joel nurses his bottle of cider and keeps to the edges while Ezra wanders and returns to his side every so often. At some point, glittering trails of light appear in the distance, writing nonsense patterns against the dark. Apparently, twenty-year-old sparklers do still light.

Eventually, Ezra returns and tucks into Joel’s side for warmth, wrinkling his nose as someone on the music crew strums an off-key rendition of Prince’s 1999 .

“You should be up there,” Ezra nudges him, nodding toward the makeshift band.

“Hell’s gotta freeze over first,” Joel says.

“If hell were going to freeze over, Jackson would be the place to do it,” Ezra mutters, shivering a little despite the heat of the fire. 

“S’nice, though,” Joel murmurs, low enough for only Ezra to hear. “Glad you talked me into it.”

The countdown begins at ten seconds to midnight. The crowd watches as the new flag ascends to its place in the square and the design is pretty tame for Marnie’s work. The silhouette of a bison stitched onto a canvas backdrop, quilted from dozens of scraps of fabric representing the town’s diverse citizenry. Tomorrow they’ll examine it up close and see remnants from blankets, shirts, and even a scrap from last year’s flag—pieces of cloth that have likely touched every single resident at one point or another. It reaches the top of the pole just as they welcome in the new year with raucous cheers and the ringing of bells and a chorus of Auld Lang Syne .

But Joel has stopped watching the flag ceremony, unmoved by the din, head turned instead to watch his partner in the firelight. And when the final cheer rises up, he’s waiting and ready to take his kiss. More chaste than their exchange this morning, but still a balm to Joel’s heart.

“Happy New Year, songbird,” Ezra murmurs when they pull apart, and Joel thinks there might be something to his words of hope earlier, because his eyes are the slightest bit wet. He’ll blame the smoke from the fire and the single cider he finished an hour ago.

Then Ellie’s voice rises above the din, the shrill, angry note turning Joel’s stomach and tightening his jaw before he can spot her.

“Say it again, motherfucker!”

She’s squared off with someone on the other side of the fire, blurred by the heat haze. Joel is moving toward them without thought, following the sound of Seth McLeland and his big drunk mouth. Ellie is still tiny for her age, barely coming up to Seth’s shoulder, but she’s solid on her feet and her opponent sways like a tree in the wind.

“I said,” Seth spits, slurring his words, “m’surrounded by a buncha fuckin’ faggots.”

“Ellie, c’mon–” Dina is coming over, but Joel gets there first.

“You piece of sh–”

“C’mon, kid, he ain’t worth it,” Joel grits out, grabbing Ellie by the arm just as she’s winding up to take a swing.

“Joel,” she hisses, turning on him. “He said–”

“I heard what he said, but he’s drunk as a fuckin’ skunk and he’ll get what’s comin’ to him. Ain’t worth your time or mine.”

Seth snarls. “Used to be this was a decent town. Can’t go ten feet without seein’ this…this rainbow gay shit all over the fuckin’ place.”

“Perhaps I can help mediate?” Ezra pipes up, and Joel glares at him, still hoping to stave off a Miller family brawl with the town’s notoriously homophobic jackass. Ignoring Joel’s silent plea, Ezra steps up to Seth with a smile that’s more predatory than friendly, leans in, and whispers something into the other man’s ear. Joel waits, still holding Ellie by the arm, watching closely. Seth’s face twists in a sneer, then he ducks his head with the air of someone shamed.

“What do you say, my good man?” Ezra says, still smiling his shark-tooth smile, clapping Seth roughly on the shoulder. “Let’s say you call it a night and we all forget this ever happened, hmm?”

And whatever he said, it looks like that might have done the trick. Seth grunts a wordless response, and Ezra turns away.

But then Seth sneers under his breath, the slur unmistakeable. “Turn tail and run, fag.”

The crunch of the man’s nose breaking under Joel’s fist is the most satisfying thing he’s felt all damn day.

~*~

“My hero,” Ezra says drily, when they’re back at home and he's tending to Joel’s bruised knuckles at the kitchen table. He definitely aggravated the old hairline fracture; his hand is going to ache for weeks. Thankfully Maria and two others intervened before Seth could throw a punch, so that’s the worst of the damage.

Worth it , Joel thinks.

“Wish you’d let me hit him first,” Ellie sulks from her perch on the counter.

“Better me than you if someone’s gonna get in trouble for fightin’,” Joel says. “‘Sides, I’m stronger. He ain’t gonna be able to breathe out his nose for a month.”

“Rude,” Ellie says, but a smirk pulls at the corner of her lips.

“I had hoped we might extract ourselves without it coming to fisticuffs,” Ezra says pointedly. “But your Joel here couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie.”

“He’s only mine when he’s behaving,” Ellie supplies, hopping off the counter with a yawn. “He’s all yours tonight, Ez.”

Joel gives her a look, but she just pats him on the shoulder on her way out the door. “Great start to the year, dudes.”

“Fucker was overdue,” Joel grumbles when she’s gone, then remembers Ezra’s failed intervention. “The hell’d you say to him, anyway?”

“Oh, I know all sorts of dirty little secrets about the people in this town, songbird,” he says, eyes glittering. “Just went through my mental rolodex of contenders with regards to our dear friend Seth and found the sweet spot. The one thing that might ruin him should it get out.”

“And what might that be?”

“It’d be unethical to share, I’m afraid,” Ezra says, feigning a pout.

“And blackmail ain’t?”

“Mmm, I am not aware of any such laws on the books regarding blackmail. And in the case of blatant hate speech at a family function? I don’t think the fine members of the Jackson council will revoke my license in this particular situation.”

“You don’t have a license,” Joel grumbles.

“My point exactly,” he grins, finishing the wrap on Joel’s hand. “There, that should hold. The next time you feel the need to defend my honor, try to use the un broken fist. I can give you some tips on throwing a punch with your left. I’ve had plenty of practice.”

“Wasn’t just about you,” Joel says, flexing his busted hand with a grimace. “We’re not the only ones. Kids shouldn’t have to hear that shit.”

“Yes,” Ezra sighs, rubbing the back of Joel’s hand with his thumb. “I can’t argue with your logic or your sense of common decency, cher , it’s perfectly sound. I just wish you didn’t need to come to physical harm in the process.”

“I can take it,” he says, standing and stretching, heading for the stairs. “Did you find out what happened with Cee?”

“I…no. What with all the evening’s drama, I didn’t catch up with her. I suspect she went home.”

“Hmm.”

They leave it at that while they get ready for bed, the kind of mundane routines that still surprise Joel despite having lived together for most of the year. Two toothbrushes by the sink, two razors, and the mouthwash Ezra likes. A stack of books on each nightstand, half a closetful of clothes, and a slew of record albums on the dresser. Joel isn’t sure when he started thinking of it as their home, not his home, but it probably has something to do with the little box in his nightstand drawer.

“Do you think I’ve been too harsh with her, songbird?” Ezra asks as they’re getting into bed. For all his earlier bravado and posturing, he seems deflated now.

“No,” Joel sighs. “Think you’re tryin’ your best, same as the rest of us. Prob’ly been a bit hard on that Luke kid, though.”

“I admit, I’m…I’m probably not at my most objective when it comes to Cee,” he frowns.

“She’s on the patrol roster,” he says, flicking off the lamp. “Maybe I can pair up with her next time we’re on the same shift, see if we can talk it out.”

“You would do that?” Ezra brightens. “Perhaps she’d listen to you. Or…talk to you, at least. I’m not always her first choice.”

“Chasin’ her off tonight prob’ly didn’t do you any favors,” he sighs. “But yeah…I can try.”

“Thank you,” Ezra murmurs, slipping his arm around Joel’s waist.

“‘Course,” he says. They stay like that for a while, Ezra’s head on Joel’s shoulder, fingers tracing the scars that litter his chest and stomach.

“You know,” Ezra murmurs into Joel’s ear. “I hesitate to say anything in the interests of preventing future encounters, songbird, but…there is a certain… je ne sais quoi to watching the man you love brutalize a raging homophobe.”

“Yeah?” Joel snorts. “That do it for ya?”

“Mmm.”

And Joel can feel exactly what it does for him, a certain familiar insistence at his hip. He turns over, met with those dark brown eyes, remembers them lit by firelight, and presses his lips to Ezra’s. Soon they’re panting, Ezra breaking the kiss to huff the words into Joel’s mouth between kisses.

“I…presume you’re still a bit…sore…after yesterday’s…endeavors…”

“I think we can figure somethin’ out.”

And they do.

~*~

A few days later, Joel goes to the stables early to check the patrol schedule. Cee did her training over the spring and summer so she was still considered a junior patroller, but winter patrols were perfect for that. The cold and snow made it difficult for humans and infected alike, making for shorter, less eventful runs and good practice for those with less experience. Joel re-jigs the schedule to put himself with Cee that morning, figuring a few hours on horseback might give them a chance to talk.

If Ellie arrived in Jackson like a feral cat ready to scratch and bite, Cee was more the type to hide in the back of a closet. She was skittish and less inclined to socialize, not unlike Joel himself. They both liked their space, but that meant he and Cee didn’t have Ezra and Ellie’s easy friendship. They’d shared a few conversations here and there, usually over family meals, but little else.

The weather is clear, and the ride to the north ridge passes in comfortable quiet. Joel doesn’t broach the subject until they’re close to returning to Jackson. At least if it goes bad, they’ll only have to suffer for a few miles.

“Hey, so, uh…how’re things goin’ with that guy you’re seein’? Luke, right?”

Cee glares at him. “Did Ezra put you up to this?”

“He didn’t, I swear,” Joel says. “This…this was my idea. I think he’s bein’ a little overprotective, myself.”

“A little?” she huffs.

Joel bites his lip on a smile. “Alright…maybe more than a little.”

“To answer your question, things are fine with Luke,” she says tersely. “They would be better if Ezra wasn’t intent on making a complete ass of himself every time he sees us together. But I can’t seem to get that through his thick skull.”

“Yeah, I…I noticed.”

“I don’t get why he’s being such a dick about it,” she says after they’ve ridden a little further. “I’m almost twenty-one. It’s like…it’s like he still sees me as this little kid.”

Joel clucks his tongue. “You spend long enough protectin’ someone…that’s a hard habit to break. He’s lookin’ out for you the best way he knows how.”

“I don’t need looking after, though.”

“I know. An’ I think he does, too, even if he won’t admit it,” he says. “It’s more about him than you, kiddo. He…he worries he’s not doin’ right by you. Worries he’s not…enough.”

“He’d be doing better if he’d just back off a little,” she scoffs.

“Yeah, I reckon he would,” he agrees. “Ezra’s stubborn, but…he’ll get there. Just has to do things on his own time.”

Cee frowns as they ride on, loping across the frigid landscape.

“I had a thought,” Joel continues. “Might not be the most comfortable way of doin’ things, but…what if we invited you and Luke to supper? Maybe give y’all a chance to, uh, talk. When Ellie an’ I were new here and things were…rocky…with Maria, Tommy had us over every week. Was pretty awkward at first, but then we kinda fell into a routine with it.”

She wrinkles her nose. “That sounds painful.”

Joel chuckles. “Yeah, it don’t sound like a good time to me, either. But it shows Ezra you’re willin’ to meet him halfway. And he’ll probably come around if he can see how much Luke cares about you.”

She doesn’t answer for a while and that suits Joel fine. He relaxes his attention a fraction and enjoys the ride, the crunch of snow under the horse’s hooves, the biting January air. They’re almost home, well within the safest part of Jackson’s territory.

“Okay,” she sighs finally. “We can try the dinner thing…I guess.”

“Yeah? Alright then. It’s a deal,” he says. “An’ it prob’ly goes without sayin’, but…if that kid ever lays a hand on you in the wrong way, it won’t just be Ezra he has to answer to. Understood?”

She smiles her shy, subdued smile. “I know. Thanks.”

“I mean that. You’re family. If anything happens–“

“I get it, I do, but he’s…he’s sweet,” she blushes, looking down at her hands on the reins. “He’s…careful. And kind. He writes. And we like the same books and music and…I dunno. I guess I just feel this…connection with him that I haven’t felt before. I never had the chance. Feels like I’m making up for lost time when I’m with him…y’know?”

“Yeah,” he says softly, thinking of Ezra. “Yeah, I do.”

“I wish Ez would just relax about it,” she sighs. “Like with you and Ellie.”

Joel blinks in surprise, thinking “relaxed” is not exactly how he’d describe his relationship with Ellie. But he doesn’t have a chance to question it before she continues.

“I mean, you’re not all on her case about…oh.”

She trails off with a faint squeak, going stiff in the saddle and jerking the reins. The horse rears and hesitates, sensing her rider’s distress, and Cee has to soothe and shush the animal to get her back on track.

“On her case about what?” Joel asks once the horse has settled.

Cee’s words come out in a rush. “Nothing. It’s nothing, I–I mean…nothing.”

“Wait, Cee…is Ellie…is Ellie seein’ someone?”

“No! No. She’s…she’s not…I didn’t say that,” she sputters, cheeks flushed.

“But you said–”

The gates are in sight and she’s brought the horse to a trot, pulling ahead of him. “Race you back!”

“Hey, hold up!”

But she’s already closing the gap between him and Jackson, waving the red flag to signal their reentry as she leaves Joel in her dust. By the time he rides through the gates, she’s abandoned her horse to the care of one of the stablehands and disappeared. It had gone so well, too; Cee said more words in the last half hour than she’d probably said to him in the last two years.

Goddamned skittish cat , Joel thinks miserably.

He’s still processing their conversation as he walks back from the stables. His chest goes tight as he considers the implications, remembering his seventeen-year-old self, carefree and reckless to a fault. He thinks of the steady rotation of condoms in his wallet and two lines on a pregnancy test. Fuck, they’ve never even talked about this and god knows what bullshit they taught in FEDRA school.

He’s been Ellie’s guardian for three years and he doesn’t even know if she’s on birth control.

This swirling mass of emotions is not assuaged as he approaches the house. Ellie’s garage apartment is unusually dark for this time of day. She’s probably just out with her friends , he tells himself, but the uncertainty churning in his gut leads him to knock on her door.

No response.

He’s raising his hand to knock again when he hears a noise. It’s faint, but not faint enough to escape his poor hearing.

“Ellie?”

Muffled sounds from within, but no response. The hair on the back of his neck prickles.

“Ellie, I’m comin’ in–”

“NO! Don’t!”

His hand snaps back from the doorknob at the sound of her voice, relieved to know she’s safe inside…and yet, not. “You alright, kid?”

“I’m…fine! It’s fine!”

“You don’t sound fine.”

More muffled sounds, a thud, then scraping and shuffling. And…giggling?

“I’m comin’ in,” he growls, but the doorknob turns under his hand and Ellie appears, face emerging from the darkened slit of her barely opened door.

“Don’t,” she pants. “I’m…I’m fine. There’s…I’m just…I was tired and needed to…rest before dinner.”

“You’re not gettin’ sick, are you?”

Another noise. Definitely a giggle. Not from Ellie.

Her ponytail is down, hair curling in wild wisps around her flushed face.

Her shirt is inside out.

She shoots a frantic look over her shoulder at the source of the giggles and offers Joel a weak smile. He puts two and two together just as Cat appears at the door clad in nothing but jeans and a sports bra, equally flushed and tousled.

Joel turns on his heel because he sure as hell doesn’t need to see more.

“I’m…you’re…I’m gonna…go,” he chokes out.

Ezra is sitting on the couch with his book when Joel stumbles in on wooden legs, looking up in alarm at Joel’s shell-shocked expression.

“What happened?”

“Ellie’s…uh…Ellie’s with a girl. With Cat.”

Ezra’s brow furrows. “And…?”

“I, uh…I almost…walked in on ‘em,” he says, squeezing his eyes shut. “Together. Christ.”

“Oh–OH,” Ezra says, eyes widening in understanding. “You mean with -with?”

“With-with,” Joel echoes dully.

His partner slowly closes the book and sets it on the coffee table. “Well that’s…an interesting development.”

Joel trudges over, not bothering to take off his jacket or boots, and sits heavily on the other side. “You didn’t know about this?”

“On my honor, songbird, I hadn’t the faintest inkling of a romantic entanglement on the part of our young prodigy. Are you…certain?”

Joel fixes him with a wordless stare.

“I see,” he murmurs. “Well, I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.”

Joel groans and sinks further into the couch, rubbing at his face with both hands. “Go ahead an’ get it over with, then.”

“I don’t follow.”

Another wordless stare.

Ezra tsks and smirks at his lap. “Come now, cher , I’d like to think I’m a bigger man than that. And ‘I told you so’ is such an unattractive turn of phrase.”

“Uh-huh,” Joel grunts. “So Ellie, uh…she likes…girls?”

Ezra’s face takes on a pinched expression that Joel has become all too familiar with in their time together. 

“But you knew that already,” he sighs. “Christ, do I even wanna know how long?” 

“She…may have sensed a kindred spirit in me early on.”

“How early are we talkin’?”

“I believe it was our sixth appointment or thereabouts,” Ezra has the decency to wince.

Joel balks. “You’ve…you’ve known for two fuckin’ years ?”

Ezra gives an apologetic shrug.

“How the hell’d I miss it?” he murmurs.

“I wouldn’t take it to heart, cher ,” Ezra says, reaching over to rub a soothing hand up and down Joel’s arm. “I suspect it’s only recently become something important to the development of her identity. Her first foray into a romantic endeavor, so to speak. It’s natural she’d want to keep it…close for a while. You might recall you were hesitant at first.”

“Yeah…yeah, I s’pose. Jesus. Even Cee knew,” he mutters.

“You spoke with Cee?”

“Yeah,” Joel sighs. “Switched patrol partners for the day so we could talk. Rode up to the ridge and back.”

“Any…insights you might be willing to share?” he asks hopefully.

“We’re gonna invite Cee and Luke over for supper.” 

Ezra blinks. “That’s…not exactly what I had in mind when you suggested a conversation.”

“We’re gonna invite the kids over, and we’re gonna get to know him, and you’re gonna behave. He ain’t goin’ anywhere anytime soon,” he says pointedly. “So if you wanna keep her around, you’re gonna have to figure out how to get along.”

~*~

Ellie storms in the next morning, cheeks flaming, and flops down on the couch without further greeting.

“Let’s get it over with,” she says.

Joel takes a sip of his coffee, thankful it’s still the good stuff because god knows he either needs to be caffeinated or drunk for this conversation, and it’s way too early for a stiff drink. “An’...what are we gettin’ over?”

“Y’know. The usual.”

“You’re gonna have to be more specific or let the coffee kick in, kid, ‘cause you’re not makin’ a lick of sense.”

She takes a deep breath and lets it out in a rush. “You lay into me, tell me I’m being a fuckin’ idiot or whatever, and then we talk about our stupid feelings and I tell you I have no idea what I’m doing and you make me feel better by reminding me that you’re here for me no matter what and then you ground me for like half of forever or until I’m forty, whichever comes first.”

He bites back a smile. “Seems like you’ve already parented yourself. My work here is done.”

“Ugh, dude, stop putting it off and just tell me how bad it is already.”

He walks over and settles into the chair in the living room with a muffled groan.

“So…how long have you an’ Cat been, uh…datin’?”

She rolls her eyes. “Nobody dates , Joel. It’s not dating, we just…hang out.”

“Alright, so how long have you been ‘hangin’ out?’”

“A few weeks,” she shrugs.

“And you didn’t think you could tell me…why?”

“I didn’t tell you because Ezra’s been really fucking weird about Luke, and I figured you’d be on my ass and be all scary to Cat and I don’t want to…to mess it up.”

“Yeah,” he murmurs, leaning forward. “Okay, I get that.”

She narrows her eyes. “So…that’s it? You’re not pissed at me? I’m not, like, grounded until I’m forty?”

“Would it stop you from seein’ Cat?” he asks wryly.

“Probably not.”

“Exactly. No, I’m not pissed at you for, uh…’hangin’ out’ with someone…like that. Just want you to be safe about it, is all.”

“I feel like there’s a big-ass ‘but’ coming up.”

Joel snorts. “Honestly, kid, I dunno what I’m doin’ here. I never…Sarah never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, far as I know. Hell, we had the, uh, talk when she was twelve, an’ that was–”

“Awkward as fuck?” Ellie shudders. “Please don’t. I know how all that stuff works.”

“Good,” he says quickly. “Good. But…there’s more to it than just…the mechanics. There’s, uh, protection, and–”

“Ugh, gross, man,” she says, squeezing her eyes shut. “I know about…all of it. And we’re being safe. Promise.”

Joel sighs, biting his lip. “What I’m gettin’ at is…is she good to you?”

“What, does she like, bring me flowers and chocolates and shit?” Ellie says.

“No. I mean, maybe, if that’s what you like. But what I’m tryin’ to say is…in a relationship…like that…you want someone who’ll bring out the best in you. Someone who loves you for you, not what you can do for ‘em, y’know? Someone who…has your back. It ain’t just about the material stuff.”

Ellie arches an eyebrow in a silent what the fuck, dude?

“It’s…it’s a hard time to grow up,” he tries. “It’s always hard growin’ up, I guess, but…it’s especially hard now. You’ve seen things that no kid should have to see, done things no one should have to do. That…scars a person. Makes ‘em see things a certain way. An’ a lot of the people you’ll love are walkin’ around with similar…stuff. Am I makin’ any sense?”

“About as much as you usually do,” she sighs, but she’s smiling in that way that tells him he’s getting through.

“It took me twenty years of fightin’ to get to the point where I could…um. Where I could love someone…like that…again. An’ I want you to know you don’t have to…settle for anything you don’t want. I know you prob’ly haven’t had a lot of…examples…”

Ellie seems to consider this for a minute, looking at her lap as she speaks softly. “Cat’s good. She’s…we’re good. You don’t have to worry.”

Joel huffs a soft laugh, shaking his head. “I’m always gonna want to protect you. Keep you safe. That don’t just mean infected or raiders or…or bad people. Sometimes it’s about protectin’ your heart, too.”

She wrinkles her nose and fakes a gag, and he can’t resist reaching over to tousle her hair.

“Yeah, alright, enough of the mushy stuff. You’re not in trouble, kid.”

“That’s nice for a change,” she smiles. She’s making to leave when he has another thought.

“Oh, um…I hope you didn’t think I’d be mad it’s…another girl. ‘Cause I’m not. That’s…you’re, uh…you love who you love an’ all that.”

“Why would you be mad?” she asks, brow furrowing, then her eyes widen in understanding. “You didn’t know?”

“Uh…I guess I–are we talkin’ about the same thing?”

“You mean that I’m gay?”

“Yeah, uh…that.”

“Dude, I didn’t tell you because I thought you already knew,” she laughs. “You seriously had no idea?”

“How would I know somethin’ like that?” he grumbles.

She throws up her hands. “I dunno! Gay-dar or whatever!”

“That ain’t a thing.”

“Oh it totally is, and yours is broken ,” she says. “Besides, even if it wasn’t totally fuckin’ obvious–and it is–I figured Ezra would have said something forever ago.”

“We don’t talk about you like that, kiddo. Wouldn’t be right.”

“Wow,” she breathes, then laughs again. “I can’t believe you really didn’t know.”

“You can quit rubbin’ it in any time,” he mutters.

She grins. “What can I say? I’m a chip off the ol’ block, emphasis on the old .”

“Alright, alright,” he says, chuckling. “Ease up, I get it. I’m out of touch.”

“ So out of touch,” she grins, but her words carry an easy affection. “Ancient history. A fucking dinosaur.”

“You love dinosaurs,” he reminds her.

“Yeah…I guess I do.”

“Hey, uh…before you go. We’re havin’ Cee and Luke over for supper next week. Maybe you wanna invite Cat? Make it a family thing?”

“Not a fucking chance, dude,” she says easily, then ducks her head. “We’re not…there yet.”

“Alright,” he nods. “I get it.”

“But I will be there,” she adds, eyes shining. “Wouldn’t miss that shitshow for the world.”

~*~

He decides on pasta because it’s quick and filling and something he can’t easily fuck up. Joel is ready to open one of the jars of summer tomatoes for marinara, but Ezra intervenes, insisting that a cream sauce is faster and less prone to staining.

“Preferably with lots of garlic,” he mutters. “To discourage kissing.”

“They ain’t vampires, Ez,” Joel says, but he lets Ezra take over dinner preparations. He’s the better cook, anyway.

When Cee and Luke show up, shuffling their feet and offering a plate of cookies, Joel has to elbow a tight thank you out of Ezra, and it doesn’t get much better when the food is served.

They crowd five people around a table that’s made for four and Jesus fuck , it’s awkward. Joel wonders if this is how Frank and Tess felt watching him and Bill snarl at each other over wine and roasted rabbit. Unfortunately, this party doesn’t have the benefit of Bill’s curated wine selection or Frank’s natural aptitude for hosting.

Cee stares at her plate and pushes her food around, Luke looks slightly green, Ezra glares and takes tense sips from his beer, and Ellie props her chin on her hands and takes it all in with a smile, occasionally asking pointed questions designed to stir the pot. Joel has to kick her under the table twice.

But somehow, they get on the topic of music. As it turns out, Luke plays guitar and writes songs and poetry. And when they settle in the living room to peruse Ezra’s impressive album collection, Ezra is smiling and chattering enthusiastically about some obscure indie punk band from the 90s, and Luke is looking slightly less inclined to flee.

Eventually, Joel excuses himself and tugs at the hood of Ellie’s sweatshirt, nodding toward the kitchen.

“C’mon. Need help with the dishes.”

She rolls her eyes but follows him willingly enough. They stand together at the sink; he washes, she dries. And when the kitchen is clean and it’s clear the other three are still wrapped up in discussion, Joel ushers Ellie quietly outside to let them continue undisturbed. They go to her little garage apartment, and he sits in the chair and she perches, cross-legged, on the bed. They have the kind of conversation they used to before Jackson, when they were on the road and it was just the two of them around a campfire.

She tells him about her art, about Shimmer, about Jesse and Dina’s on-again-off-again relationship. He tells her about the time he and Tommy got caught egging his social studies teacher’s house on Halloween, then immediately regrets it when she asks where she might procure some extra eggs.

And then it’s getting late, and Joel tips his head back and closes his eyes and they drift in a comfortable shared silence. When Ellie speaks again, her tone is soft and thoughtful, almost shy.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said, about Cat and me…I know it’s a different time, and we haven’t had…a lot to look to. But…we have you and Ez.”

“Oh…yeah?” Joel croaks out, trying to sound nonchalant and failing miserably. Ever since Ellie came into his life, his heart might as well be emblazoned in flashing neon pink on his sleeve.

She smirks, fidgeting with the corner of her comforter, eyes downcast. “Yeah. You two set a pretty high bar.”

Joel looks at her, his girl, their girl, and swallows hard around the lump in his throat. 

“I–oh…”

He’s interrupted by the sight of the front door opening back at the house. They watch through the window like nosy neighbors as Cee and Luke emerge onto the porch with Ezra behind them.

“Well, Luke appears to have all his extremities,” Ellie says as Joel draws up alongside her to get a better view, breath fogging the window pane. “And no one’s yelling. That’s a good sign, right?”

“Sure hope so,” he murmurs.

The three of them talk for a minute, then Ezra pulls Cee into a hug, and the young couple turns to leave. Ezra stands on the porch, watching them go with a wave. Then he turns slightly and cocks his head, squinting until he’s looking directly at Joel and Ellie in the garage window. Even at this distance, Joel can make out his partner’s arched brow before he shakes his head and disappears back into the house.

“Oops,” Ellie giggles. “Caught.”

Joel can’t help but laugh a little himself before they’re interrupted by a knock at the door. He goes to answer and finds Cee on the other side, already pink-cheeked from the cold. Luke hangs back, offers a tentative wave from the end of the driveway.

“Hey,” Joel says. “Everythin’ go alright?”

Cee nods, and before he can speak, she’s leaned in and wrapped him in a hug. “Thanks, Joel.”

“It’s, uh…s’no problem. You’re always welcome, y’know. Both of you,” he adds.

He leans in the doorway and watches them disappear around the end of the cul-de-sac. Ellie joins him, tucking herself under his arm in a rare moment of affection, bumping him with her hip.

“Not bad for an old man who’s shit at talking about feelings,” she says.

“There’s hope for me yet,” he agrees.

He says goodnight and returns to the house. Ezra is sitting at the kitchen table sipping a beer, waiting for him.

“Well, out with it, then,” Ezra says, all feigned annoyance, easing back in his chair.

“With what?”

He narrows his eyes. “Oh, surely you’ve earned your ‘I told you so’.”

“I’d never,” Joel smirks. “S’an ‘ugly turn of phrase.’”

“The mark of a gentleman,” Ezra says, thumbnail scratching absently against the ridge of the bottle. “Though I suppose I do owe you a debt of gratitude for helping me see the light, songbird. I was too quick to judge and too harsh in my estimations. Luke is…an acceptable mate for our birdie. As long as he continues to treat her well, I don’t foresee us coming to blows.”

“Let’s hope it don't come to matin’ for a few years yet, either,” Joel says.

Ezra snorts and stands. He wanders to the sink to deposit the dregs of his beer, thoughtful, eyes darkening.

“But if he so much as mars a hair on our young gem’s blonde head, songbird, mark my words…there will be no force in heaven or earth that could save him from the pain I will inflict.”

It’s an all too familiar sentiment. Joel sighs and moves to Ezra’s back, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on his shoulder. 

“If that happens,” he breathes, letting his lips graze the shell of Ezra’s ear, “I’ll be there with the shovel.”

~*~

The next day, Joel’s evening patrol duty gets cut short by an incoming blizzard, and he comes home early, stomping the fresh fallen snow off his boots, shaking the stuff out of his hair. They’ll be snowed in tonight, but Joel can think of worse ways to spend an evening.

Music drifts from the record player in the living room, something soft; he places it after only a couple of seconds— Songbird . A fire crackles in the fireplace, emitting a soft light and a steady heat that prickles Joel’s wind-burned cheeks. He finds Ezra sprawled on the couch, fast asleep on his back, head pillowed on his arm. His book lays face down and open on his chest, reading glasses having fallen to the floor. His t-shirt has ridden up to reveal a stripe of warm caramel skin and a trailing vine of dark curls peeks over the waist of his jeans, sending a heat up the back of Joel’s neck that has nothing to do with the fire.

That feeling is back, the usual aching want and the new thing, the softer thing he hasn’t named but can no longer deny. He thinks of Ellie’s words and knows instinctively what comes next. He wants this, he wants them , for as long as he has left.

We have you and Ez. You two set a pretty high bar.

Before he can talk himself out of it, he climbs the stairs and goes to the bedroom, heart a frantic staccato in his ears. The little blue box is still in the back of the nightstand drawer. His hand shakes slightly as he pulls it from its hiding place, fumbling to take off the lid, pouring the contents into his palm. The result of a spare moment of exploration on a scavenging run and a whim born of hope, a pair of dark brown eyes, and a cocky, boyish grin.

He clutches it tightly, pausing only for a second to take a breath, steadying himself before he heads back downstairs.

He kneels beside the couch, picking up the reading glasses, folding them carefully and setting them on the coffee table. With the same care, he reaches out and draws a thumb along the crescent scar on Ezra’s cheek, down the line of his jaw, reveling in the familiar scratch of scruff, running over the hidden dimple of his smile.

Ezra stirs at his touch, blinking slowly awake.

“Songbird,” he whispers, a sleepy smile blossoming on his face. “You’ve returned.”

“Hey,” he rasps, throat tight. In the background, the record plays on, the first strains of I know you by heart fill the room. Joel doesn’t know what to say.

“I—“

Ezra waits, patient as always, blinking up at him with a love that makes it hard for Joel to breathe, let alone speak.

“I thought—I found these…a while ago an’ I—“

He’s holding out the offering in a closed fist but he’s so overcome he can’t bring himself to uncurl his damn fingers.

Then Ezra’s hand covers his, gentle but curious, reminding him to relax his grip. He does, revealing two identical gold bands. Joel can’t pull his eyes away from Ezra’s face, hoping to find the answer in the arc of his smile or the tear at his lash line, terrified he will see neither of those things, or maybe terrified he will.

But Ezra doesn’t even see the rings. One fingertip lightly grazes gold, dips in to touch the center of Joel’s palm. Then he’s surging up, hand cupping the back of Joel’s neck and pulling him close, noses brushing, eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks.

He shudders a single word against Joel’s lips, sealing the vow and their future with a kiss.

“Yes.”

[messrsrarchives]

Hi Robyn. I appreciate you taking the time to always articulate your thoughts on Rowling and topics like that. I was wondering if you have thoughts on this or an answer to this question:

In a recent post you said things like "there's no ethical way to engage" and that you're trying to do "the least amount of harm possible." A few years ago, I believed these things very literally and believed it was completely immoral to engage in HP at all or engage in the fandom at all, and therefore I did not. Now obviously my beliefs have changed and I no longer believe it's so immoral I can't interact with it, and obviously neither do you or any of the rest of us. Are you able to articulate why? If there's no ethical way to engage, how do you justify being in the fandom? If you're trying to do the least amount of harm possible, do you believe you're still doing harm by being in the fandom and how do you justify that? If this is all inherently unethical and harmful, why are we doing it? How is it morally justifiable to be in the HP fandom at all, to post about it and therefore "promote" it? How do you justify to yourself being in the fandom?

I don't know the answer to that, and since you're someone who often has thoughts on this sort of subject I hope you are able to articulate this in some way that makes sense. I know it's a big question that may not even really have an answer, but I would like to know your thoughts or feelings about it if you'd like to answer.

Secondly, have you ever written up one single list along the lines of "things I believe we should not do"? Like listing it all out in one post: don't watch the hbo show even if you have a subscription, don't post about the show, don't comment on fancasts' posts, don't spend money on merch, don't post merch even if you didn't pay for it, and so on.

Thank you so much <3

HIII !!! always here to yap about these things <33 this is going to be so long i'm sorry !

i think one of my pinned videos on tiktok talks about guilt. there's so much guilt for engaging here and i know that i'm not the only one who, not only feels that, but feels as though it's a lot heavier recently. regardless of how you're engaging, we're promoting her universe and we are complicit, and there's so much guilt that comes with that.

but i think sometimes guilt is useful. i think there's a certain amount of guilt in this scenario that,,, i don't know? makes you better?? i think if you feel a bit guilty for being here, then you're aware and you're more likely to be conscious about your engagement. i think if you're not feeling at least the slightest bit guilty for being here, chances are you're unaware about the effects (whether direct or not) and you're too comfortable. we see a lot of people say "well i'm queer she hates me anyway" or "well i read stories she would hate" or "this fandom is everything she hates" etc etc as if our mere existence here is,,, an act of protest? but i don't see it as that. i don't see me engaging here as an act of protest, i see everything else as one.

and i guess that's why i came back to these spaces. i was told about ATYD by a friend and i already knew the basics about JKR, so my first action was to reread the books for the first time in years and try to see if anything read differently - a lot more stood out because i was more aware, and i spent a solid two weeks just doing research and thinking "okay, if i go into this, what do i need to do?"

at that point, all i thought i had to do was boycott and not put the same ideals into fanfiction, but it's a lot more intense than that. there's the risk of promoting a fic of someone who doesn't stand with us, or of commenting on something in a promoting way, or of showing off old merch and not specifying etc etc - there's a lottt of hidden ways we promote her without realising. that's also why i don't tend to talk About the books unless i'm recalling canon information for a plotline. or the movies unless i'm doing the same.

i think where you say "how do you justify being in the fandom" the most important word there for me is You.

there's the basics, of course: don't profit her, don't post things that profit her, don't perpetuate her ideals, don't promote harry potter in random comment sections, don't talk about the reboot even if you aren't watching it etc etc.

and then everything else is You. once you've got the basics of ethical (as much as possible) engagement, the justification part comes down to you personally. what do you need to do? what will make it feel safer for you? what will make you feel more comfortable? what balances it out for You?

for me, that's talking about it. and it comes off very lecture-like and like i'm scolding people and on one hand,, yes. it's a lecture, it's education, it's demonstrating what to do. but on the other, it's for me? it's for Me. and for Me to justify being in this space, it's to be loud and vocal. i've always said not everyone needs to be loud about it! i think forced activism is harmful but for Me personally? it's the talking about it that justifies it. for every negative comment that i get, i get 10 people that didn't realise the impact. for every person that says "this is such a non-issue" i get a DM from someone else asking more questions or thanking me for talking about it.

for every person in the fandom that doesn't value trans lives and lets me know that, i get 10 trans people who thank me for being loud about it.

and i think that's it for me. formulating a safe bubble for me and everyone else that has been harmed feels like justification. i won't ever be able to change her views or make a mass change, i'm just one guy without much to offer, but i can get one dm from a trans person who is glad to have found a space and,,, yeah. i can make A difference. i'm glad.

and then that all comes together when it comes to me posting. posting even fics is promoting her but i like to think (maybe potentially ignorantly, i'm not sure) that if someone new(er) to the fandom fics a video i've made on the fyp and they want to know more, they'd swipe across to my account, hypothetically. and then they'd find the jkr playlist, they'd find the pinned videos, they'd find the yap playlist and the jkr powerpoint etc etc, and i - definitely ignorantly - like to think that it balances out somewhere. maybe. hopefully. it definitely does more than just posting about the fandom/studios/merch on something like tiktok with an incrediblyyyy loose algorithm and not mentioning anything at all.

it's a hard balance. it's a hard balance of wanting to educate but not wanting to come off kind of,,, like superior? dictorial? placing myself above everyone? but also not wanting to sit back. and i don't think i've found that balance yet, but that's okay! it's all a curve.

for someone else it could be that they add the disclaimers to their fics and don't talk about it publicly often. like here on tumblr is very different to over on tiktok, and i'm sure justification works different on a systemic level here than there. or for someone else it could be that they simply read someone else's talks about it and try to adapt. it could be anything really, it's so individual!

you can justify it however you need to, as long as you have the basics down and you're not causing harm. as long as your justification isn't rooted in assauging your guilt (by that i mean for example, "im queer and jkr hates me anyway so i'll go the studios in protest" because that causes harm)

but at the end of the day i think it comes down to not letting TERFs win. at the end of the day i think we all justify it by not letting them take away another thing we love, even if it's something as silly as a magical universe. it means a lot to us, we aren't going to give it up for someone like her.

so we make a change. we don't separate art from artist, that causes harm. we don't call it reclaiming, you can't reclaim IP of someone still living and profiting.

but we can claim a bubble within it, and we can surround ourselves with people that get it and some of us will step out of the bubble and try to get more people to join us, others will be happy just staying in there and enjoying their time, and we all just get to Breathe.

i don't know. this is long and rambly and i don't think i'll ever justify it fully. i think i'll always feel guilty and i'll always talk about it and i think i'll always have moments where i wonder if maybe i am doing more harm, or times where i feel like i'm screaming myself hoarse and people don't seem to get it but,,, i also have 20,000 people that i didn't have before. and lifelong friends. and communication skills i didn't have, and a rekindled love for something that dominated my childhood.

and i feel good, i think. about the way i've gone about it. i think the version of me that bought crusty and dusty falling to pieces books off of etsy and sat there highlighting things would be proud that this is the way we take it, and i think the 15 year old version of me that realised he was trans and threw everything away would be proud too.

and i think that's how i justify it.

am i making myself proud with this? am i proud of how i went about this, and will i be proud when everything unfolds and we see the harm reach it's peak? will i be proud of what i did to Try?

and i think that's the big question to be asking ourselves.

(and in terms of one post, i have a PDF powerpoint here that explains a Bit, but - not to just promote myself lmao but who's reading all of this actually - i will be releasing three episodes of my podcast this week ALLL about jkr! (1) things in the books (2) twitter, political action, robert galbraith books and (3) fandom responsibility - and that third one will contain everything. for now at least. it's constantly changing but for now, it will include everything we need to do to keep this space safe and comfortable and as ethical as possible)

[ride-thedragon]

Now on to something entirely too personal. HBO, please hire black women to do black hair. Like the Bailey sisters have been on this earth long enough for you not to hate crime Rhaena and Laenor. Baela and Laena suffer from the white mom with mixed daughters' agenda. Corlys has his buss down, side part, lace front but it sits that way because Steve, the actor, is bald. There isn't a clear part in sight for the richest house in Westeros. I don't understand why the Velaryons have ash-gray roots. With Addam, Alyn, and Nettles dawning on us soon please do better. Some thoughts for your labour ahead.

Utilize the Bailey sisters and their contributions to styled locs for Rhaena’s sake.

2. Cut Baela’s hair. For her sake focus on braids and beads.

3. Allow her to usher in a wave for the girls with her appearance. Nettles would gag them.

4. Our last girl. The Princess Dianna of Westeros. Lady Laena deserved better while with us. Walk with me.

5. In a bigger step towards the right direction and with the pride black people have when it comes to hair, why would we not style the men's locs. Corlys will guide us.

6. Laenor sweetie I'm so sorry for the helmet wig they gave you.

7/8. The Of Hull boys will bring us hope and prosperity. Marilda won't have them looking messy on the Hull shores.

All in all, I hope the stylists use their time off to hire black people. Entire stories could've been told with Laena, Rhaena, and Baela’s hair on the show, same with Corlys and Laenor but instead, we went with inspired choices that fell flat with the execution. Locs are some of the most versatile styles and curls are stunning. Hair, especially textured hair care and styling is a labor of love and I hope it's shown in upcoming seasons.

[paradiscake]

DMC Questions Anon here!

What sort of things would the DMC characters be into? What would their favorite medias be, who would their favorite characters be, their favorite dynamics, their favorite ships? Favorite things about it? Would they try and have any involvement in the fandom space online? If so, what sort of involvement?

Dante is a huge fan of videogames. He's played a variety of games since he could but these days, he leans toward action and fighting games. And hack and slash! God of War would be one of his faves and he approves of Kratos's character development unlike some other fans. If he had the time, he would argue with fans about it. But he most likely doesn't, he sees enough toxicity as it is. He consumes other pieces of media (books and movies) on occasion but videogames are his passion hobby. He likes every character.

Trish also loves videogames when Dante introduced her to them. She likes the stuff Dante "grew out of" like the more adventure fantasy. And she would love RPGs, especially Final Fantasy. And Baldur's Gate 3. Tifa Lockheart is one of her favorite characters.

Vergil is a bookworm for sure. He already loves poetry but if he would have gotten into fantasy, especially high fantasy like Tolkien. He actually read The Hobbit, and the songs and whimsical vibes really appealed to him. But Mundus attacked before he could get to LotR and The Silmarillion. He can still get into them after DMC5. He's not usually fond of movie but he would watch the LotR movies and fall in love immediately. He wouldn't admit to it though. I also think he likes GRRM's A Song of Ice and Fire a lot. The whole political aspect of it and the grimness would appeal to him. He would personally hunt GRRM to learn the true ending. Vergil would hate the HBO adaptations. His fave character would be Daenerys obviously. From LotR, he would love Aragorn the best.

Post-DMC5 Vergil would get into a lot of heated debates in fandom esp the ASOIAF side. So his fandom access is permanently revoked by the family for his own and their sanity.

Trish gets him to play videogames but Vergil only likes Baldur's Gate lol.

Lady used to watch anime before but at some point grew out of it. She loved Bleach and Revolutionary Girl Utena. Her favorite characters was Utena. She watched WWE for a while as an adult but grew out of that too. She's a huge sports fan in general and follows the sports news as vigorously as she can. Sometimes, she plays videogames with Dante and Trish. She slowly gets to like them.

Nero is a comic book nerd, like very into DC and Marvel. The access to such entertainment was banned in Fortuna but after getting out, it was like a dam broke and he's addicted to them now. Batman and the adjacent characters are his faves. He gets into shipping discourse a lot.

[snowwybear]

Mother Goose | chapter three

Summary: all you can do love despite the world filled with hate. For 3 years you have been dating your loving boyfriend Joel Miller, while also being a motherly figure to his teenage daughter Sarah. The two of you get separated the day of the outbreak never to see each other again. 20 years later the two of reunite.

➀|➁

Warnings: spoilers for the hbo show and video game, fluff, mentions of injuries

~2034~

"Hold still," you say, your voice firm as you press the cloth soaked in alcohol against Tommy's side. The sharp scent fills the air, mixing with the stale smell of sweat and blood.

"Ow!" Tommy flinches, his face scrunching up in pain. "Watch it, will ya? I’m not made of steel, you know."

You roll your eyes, continuing to clean the wound. "How many times have I told you—"

"Not to go down that trail, I know, I know," Tommy interrupts, raising his hands in mock surrender, though his grin never falters. "But what can I say? I got a knack for bad decisions."

"You’ve got a knack for reckless decisions," you mutter, pressing the cloth harder against the gash on his arm, earning a hiss from him.

"Hey!" Tommy flinches, trying to pull away, but you hold him steady, your grip firm. "I’m already bleedin’ here. Don’t gotta add insult to injury."

"Maybe if you listened for once, you wouldn’t be bleeding at all." When the outbreak happened, you ran blindly, fuelled by adrenaline and terror, desperate to get as far away from the infected as possible. It wasn’t just fear that drove you—it was survival.

For days—maybe even weeks—you searched, clinging to the fragile hope that you could find them again, that somehow, against all odds, you could reunite with your family. But as the world crumbled around you, as cities fell and society devolved into chaos, that hope began to dwindle. You wandered through broken cities, dodging infected and ruthless survivors alike, the weight of uncertainty gnawing at you every day. Eventually, the hope of finding your family faded into a dull ache—a distant dream you barely allowed yourself to think about. The days turned into years, and survival became your only focus.

It wasn’t until a few years ago that Tommy Miller stumbled upon you during one of his patrols. By then, you were a shell of your former self—tired, ragged, barely holding on. You had seen too much, lost too much. But Tommy recognised you instantly. Despite the layers of dirt and exhaustion on your face, he knew you. You could hardly believe it when he said your name, his voice filled with disbelief and relief. In that moment, all the time and distance that had separated you from your past seemed to collapse. For the first time in years, you felt a spark of something you hadn’t dared to feel in a long time—hope.

Tommy didn’t hesitate. He brought you back to the community in Jackson, where you were met with kindness, shelter, and safety—things you hadn’t felt in years. You had grown so used to looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next threat, that the warmth of the community felt almost unreal. But it was real. Tommy and the others nursed you back to health, offering you food, water, and a place to stay. For the first time in a long time, you felt a sense of belonging again.

In return, you offered your skills as a nurse to the community. You tended to the sick and injured, providing medical support in a world where such knowledge had become a rare and precious commodity. It wasn’t the life you had imagined for yourself, but it was something. And more than that—it was a purpose. You were able to help, to contribute, to be part of something larger than just surviving day to day.

"There, all done." You finished patching up Tommy, securing the final bandage around his side.

"Thanks, I appreciate it," Tommy said, his voice softer than usual as his fingers lightly grazed the bandages, wincing slightly.

You nodded, wiping your hands and beginning to clean up the supplies. "Try to stay out of trouble, alright?"

Tommy chuckled, though there was a sincerity in his eyes. "I’ll try... for you."

You gave him a small smile, packing away the medical kit. "I’ll hold you to that.

-

The sun was beginning to set, casting a warm golden hue over Jackson as you locked up the clinic. The familiar sounds of the community—children laughing, adults chatting—felt oddly comforting, a reminder of how far you’d come since the chaos of the outbreak.

You took a deep breath, savouring the crisp evening air, and turned to head home when you caught a glimpse of a familiar figure atop it, his silhouette unmistakable. Joel. The years melted away in an instant, your mind flooded with memories of the man you had thought lost to time. He looked older, lines etched on his face, but that same protective intensity radiated from him.

Beside him was a girl—Ellie. Tommy had told you that Sarah had unfortunately passed on outbreak day, but he didn't tell you about this other girl. In fact, he didn't tell you when Joel and Ellie first turned up in Jackson.

Time seemed to freeze as you locked eyes with him. All the years apart, the worry and the longing, culminated in that single moment.

“Joel,” you breathed, stepping forward, almost hesitating. You had imagined this reunion countless times, but now that it was here, you felt a rush of emotion swell within you.

His expression shifted, a mix of surprise and relief washing over his features. “You’re here,” he said, his voice low and rough, as if he couldn’t quite believe it.

"Hi.." You whispered hesitant to make any moves. It has been a long, long time since you've seen Joel. You didn't even think he was still alive, but here he was standing in front of you. You didn't know what to do, how to react - do you run and jump into his arms? Or do you keep your distance? You had changed so much since you last saw each other.

You could see the tension in his shoulders ease as he took a tentative step toward you. The wind rustled the leaves overhead, and in that moment, it felt like the world had narrowed down to just the two of you.

“Is it really you?” he asked, his voice laced with disbelief.

You nodded, swallowing hard, emotions bubbling just below the surface. “I thought- I didn't know if you were still alive. After everything…” Your voice trailed off, the memories of the chaos flooding back—fears of being alone, the uncertainty of survival, the ache of separation.

Joel took another step closer, and you noticed Ellie shifting slightly, glancing between the two of you. Her expression was curious, as if she could feel the weight of the moment but didn’t quite understand it.

“Ellie, this is—” Joel started, he paused not quite believing himself that you were standing in front of each other after so many years.

“I’m [Your Name]. It’s nice to meet you.”

Ellie offered a shy smile back, her eyes darting between you and Joel. “So, you two know each other?”

“Yeah, we go way back,” Joel replied, a softness creeping into his tone as he looked at you, momentarily ignoring the slight teasing glint in Ellie’s eyes. He stepped a little closer, the distance between you narrowing as if no years had passed at all.

Ellie tilted her head, clearly intrigued. “What do you mean ‘way back’?”

You chuckled lightly, the sound breaking the tension. Joel rolled his eyes, huffing, and sent Ellie a glare—silently telling her to mind her business.

The playfulness quickly faded into a heavy silence. It had been years since you’d been in Joel’s presence, and though the familiarity was there, the weight of time hung between you both like an invisible wall. You shifted on your feet, unsure of what to do or say.

Joel cleared his throat, his voice low and rough. “Tommy didn’t tell me you were in Jackson.”

“I didn't know you were still alive; I guess I just assumed... he didn't tell me you were here.” You rambled, trying to make sense of this sudden reunion. You had processed the possibility of Joel's death so long ago that when you arrived in Jackson, you didn't think to ask.

Joel's eyes softened, a mix of guilt and surprise in his gaze. His lips parted like he wanted to say something, but the words seemed to fail him.

Ellie stood beside him, glancing between you both, clearly curious but wisely staying quiet. Her presence made it even more awkward—another reminder of how much time had passed, how much had changed.

“You—uh—settled here then?” Joel finally asked, shifting uncomfortably, his hands gripping the strap of his pack.

You nodded. “Yeah. I help at the clinic.”

Joel looked down, nodding slowly. His silence said more than words ever could. The years apart had been brutal, and now, standing here together after so long, the air felt thick with everything left unsaid.

Ellie, still watching you with wide, curious eyes, finally broke the silence with a small smirk. “You guys really know each other, huh?”

You and Joel exchanged a glance. “Yeah,” you said, your voice soft. “We go way back.”

Joel let out a quiet, almost reluctant chuckle, but his gaze stayed fixed on you, the years of distance and loss etched in his expression. You swallowed hard, emotions bubbling just beneath the surface, unsure of how to bridge the gap that time had carved between you.

As the sun dipped lower behind the mountains, you both stood there, awkward and unsure, but undeniably connected, just as you had always been.

[crazyintheeast]

Agatha All Along is such a brilliant example of why ALL Marvels shows suck so bad nowadays. And before you get outraged so they don't suck because they are low quality, on the contrary the are all excellent. They suck because they are not actual tv shows, they are movies disguised as TV shows. All the old Marvel shows from Agents of SHIELD, to the Netflix shows to Marvel's Runawaysm, to the Gifted to Dagger and Cloak and so on were proper shows. They were a journey planned for years, you grew up with these charcters, you live with their stories and waited eagerly for the next one. But these new Marvel shows? It's basically empty calories. Oh surre it's good while we watch it and enjoy it for a bit but then that's it Just think of how easily Agatha could have been a proper 20 episodes per season show. Agatha getting into hijinks trying to get her powers back, having to wok with other witches...it could have easily gone for four seasons(80 episodes) and still given us a an epic finale And almost all new Marvel shows are designed with this emoty calory in mind. They serve as nothing more then either promos for a new movie or just something viral to keep the Marvel brand active, Even shows that have the potential to work like a proper show get kneecaped. Take the Hawkeye series. This coulkd have worked perfectly. It could have been a more high quality version of the Arrows. A first season with Hawkeye to introduce Kate and then her own adventures but no we only got one season and it has been years. You can't have a proper TV shows if you have to wait years for the next season. Yes you can do it with less then 20 episodes(HBO used to do it all the time) but when you have to wait over 3 years for the next season it's not happening And the worst example is She Hulk. She was a goldmine. She Hulk was perfecton and could have easily become the new Scrubs or Parks or Recreation and so on if it was given 20 episodes per season with a modest budget. It could have become a globally yndicated sitcom that always runs somehwere but they used it to clear launder money and line their pockets and cancelling it Bottom line is the reason why Marvel shows are not proper shows nowadays is because Kevin Feige(a fitting name since Feige means cowardly in German) clearaly hates TV as a medium and considers it beneath him

[stvlti]

"The Penguin (HBO TV series) is deeply misogynistic"

Note: I am writing this review after the 1×08 finale, so beware of spoilers

There was a clickbaity headline floating around earlier about John Turturro, the original actor for Carmine Falcone in The Batman (2022), not wanting to reprise his role in The Penguin (2024) because of the excessive violence against women in the show. But fans who watched the show pointed out that it isn't particularly misogynistic in its portrayal of violence: there's no gore, and the gang violence we see is pretty much equal opportunity genre-typical violence committed against male and female characters alike. What I feel like is misogynistic though is its ending.

Sure, the recurring female characters of the show were well crafted and three dimensional: Sofia Falcone Gigante, in spite of the violence she is shown to have suffered in the psychiatric care / prison system, is a force to be reckoned with for most of the series; Eve Karlo is not simply Oz's regular sexual companion who capitulates to his every whim but a partner in crime to a degree; the mother Francis Cobb, for better or for worse, sculpted Oz into the man he grew up to become with her lovebombing and manipulation.

The issue is that this is a series that follows a villain's rise to power. And while we always knew that Oz was never gonna have a redemption arc, that he was just going to get worse - or rather, the show was going to reveal to viewers more and more of just how deep and limitless his cruelty and cunning goes - the show had us sympathise with all 3 of these female characters only to ultimately sacrifice their autonomy and freedom to bring the storyline to a close with the Penguin on top. Because there's Oz winning and the women around him being taken out of the picture, and then there's Oz winning and the women being chained back down to positions of entrapment that they'd been in for most of their lives after they've tasted freedom. Sofia physically and geographically ends up right back where she is before this saga - incarcerated and institutionalised - but she's already getting the fairer end of the deal. At least she's attained a certain degree of enlightenment after her journey through the criminal underworld and her soul-searching with regards to her place in society and the path she wanted to take.

But Francis? We finally learn in the last 2 episodes that she's a tragic character all along, who was dealt a lose-lose situation with how to raise Oswald after that defining traumatic incident in their family, and she has had to live with the consequences of her choice for decades, secretly hating both herself and her son unbeknownst to Oswald. And just when she finally finds her release in having that confrontation where she lays all her cards on the table with Oz, she is incapacitated by her medical situation and, worse, kept close by Oz's side until the day she dies. She finds no closure, she finds no peace. She has no mouth but she must scream. Francis's ending is straight horror.

And Eve is stuck roleplaying the relationship with his mother that Oz has constructed in his head, knowing that the mother herself is trapped in the other room. This is sickening enough as it is, but this is also after she learns that the man she has found allyship with was the reason her deceased friends and found family never got justice for their brutal murders all along. After she finds solidarity with Sofia, another woman who lost her family to Oz, the show puts Eve right back in Oz's arms because oh, that's right, her material conditions as a sex worker means that she never really had a fair chance to make her choice in a place like Gotham.

But the thing is, out of all 3 women, Eve was the one that could've easily skipped town and escaped Oz's influence in the end. There was no reason for the narrative to bring her back to Oz's side other than to end on a twisted note of irony. This is why The Penguin (2024) is misogynistic. Not because of some imagined amount of physical violence against women portrayed on screen, but because the narrative ultimately punishes its female characters in order to illustrate Oz's villainy - something that we as viewers already understood from all his morally reprehensible actions throughout the series. Even in the finale, we're sufficiently reminded of his villainy in his actions towards Victor Aguilar. There was no need to tack on the last 5 mins and show us the unhappy endings that Francis and Eve are given.

(Another tangential thought I had as well is that those last 5-10 minutes of the finale create a very noticeable tonal shift from your regular tragic crime noir drama to an outright horror ending, which isn't necessarily contradictory to the genre, but it is very sudden and jarring.)

I understand that the showrunner for The Penguin is a woman, Lauren LeFranc. She likely knows exactly how horrifying that ending is to the female, femme, and/or queer contingent of the audience. So the question remains: why?

Edit: I've had multiple people argue with me and say they disagree with my review - in that they don't think the show is misogynistic. Guys, I put the post's opening statement in quotation marks for a reason. I'm not saying that the show is "deeply" misogynistic. I'm quoting the assertion that it's misogynistic and arguing around it. Do I personally think the show is deeply misogynistic? Hell no! I literally listed out the ways the show gave us well rounded and three dimensional female characters. In case you need that spelled out for you: I do NOT think the show is misogynistic/anti-feminist in its entirety. I'm just saying that there's something misogynistic about its ending. Happy to be proven wrong with examples and explanations.

[tessarionbestgirl]

I have to ask did HBO learn nothing from the later seasons of the original show. Softening the main Targ because people “love” them, cutting important storylines ect queer characters cut and only really used fan service instead of the actual book canonically gays/sapphics?!? (granted it is less male gazey then the Yara bullshit which makes me want to hurl due to how bad faith it is but still) Urg hbo is practically screaming the quiet part out loud and I hate it. They are as bad as Lucasfilm and the bullshit they are pulling

HotD and Got have different problems, but, your right, they do share one in common, and that is it the show runners wanting to tell their story more than the book. That is why HBO cut out Miguel Sapochnik, but make the mistake of putting Sarah as producer. And that is why this season it feels even more Rhaenyra/Alicent relationship focused than S1 in a lot aways.

For the inside I got and I think there is interview that kind confirmed that a bit, is that Sarah a long time ago read the books and she doesn't care about canon. She cares about Rh*enicent only, and that is why the worse choices on this show comes from her. She character assassinated Rhenys and Alicent over the "motherhood message" she fails to execute properly because at end of the day she is not a good writer when her bias come into play.

I know people like to put Ryan and her in the same bag, but at least with him for what I know, he is the one that care more about the source material and keep in touch with Martin. He is the one a bit to enamored with Daenerys and tries to bring her in the context of the story and subtext? Yes. But that doesn't bothers me as much compared to the others issues this show have, because in a weird way there is more ground for it.

And I feel at this point there is no way to come around those choices. Because S2 was the last chance of changing the subject a bit. Seasons 2 usually are one of the best of any story because it opens to the possibility of you explore new characters and expend the word building.

What we got was hints at most. Aegon, I give them that, he is well explored this season.

But besides him and the main trio, the relationships between the characters on tg and tb are so poorly dipped. It mostly happened to move the plot. Or happened of screen aka Heleana.

So is no surprise to me that they would cut so much. And is dumb. Because a show that tries to level up to Got so hard, doesn't understand one of the strongest point was the diverse cast of characters, instead of focusing on 3 main characters is just dumb.