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choicesenthusiast · 3 years ago

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Representation at Pixelberry: The Follow-Up

One year ago, on June 15, 2020, Pixelberry released a statement regarding representation at the company. Here is the LINK to the original blog post, and here was MY RESPONSE. Oh, how naïve and optimistic I was. It contained a list of goals and promises they hoped to accomplish within a year. Well, a year has passed, and here is my attempt to hold PB accountable. I'll be going over the five main points of their representation plan and if they achieved what they promised. All criticisms are about content released after June 15th. Long post beware, but I'm not putting it under a read more because I feel like it's important for all to see.

1. Commitment to diversity of Love Interests - FAIL

We’ve already been moving towards having Love Interests have customizable skin tones. We will continue to do this with some stories, while also having some characters with clear ethnic identities. At the same time when we have multiple love interests of different ethnicities, we are aiming for those Love Interests to have equal game time.

"LIs with customizable skin tones" mean they come in three flavours: white, black, and ambiguously Asian/Latinx interchangeably. So far I have rarely seen an LI as connected to their culture/ethnicity as Rafael Aveiro, and he just talked about his Vovo's food if he ever were on screen. They had many chances with the other OH LIs as well. Even Ayna Seth and Tatum Mendoza were confirmed to be Indian and Filipino, respectively, though FA gets a little leeway, as it was set in a fictional west-European continent.

As for equal game time? I'm sure the biggest example we can all think of was the mess that was Open Heart 3, which was written during the hiatus (which only existed because they were going to straight up kill Rafael in Book 2). Game time was not equal among LIs, and the white male LI was heavily favoured. PB also continues to pay female LIs dirt by giving them no screen time. In addition to that, LGBT+ players, who are consistently underrepresented, receive one (1) unprepared pride month survey, prpbably only because someone asked them about it on Twitter.

This is the meat and potatoes of everything because it's what they're outputting to their audience. It's what the people see. Given that things haven't been going so well lately in this department, consider this promise a big fat fail.

2. More authentic and diverse hairstyles for people of color - QUESTIONABLE

Our team will focus on providing more authentic and representative hairstyles. We are prioritizing these hairstyles outside of our normal book processes and will introduce them in new books as they are ready.

While, yes, they have added two new hairstyles in WEH, they also just took Jade Bonet's hair and recycled it for LoA F!MC. PB recycles all their hair more often than not.

3. More diverse book covers - QUESTIONABLE

This is an initiative we started in January of this year. As a result the number of Black, Latinx, Asian, Native American, Pacific Islander, mixed, and other characters on new book covers increased from 35% of characters in 2019 to 60% characters in the first half of 2020. However, the number of black characters is still not high enough this year. More are already scheduled for books later this year. We will make sure that Black characters are well represented on our covers in the future.

"Diverse" does not just mean by race, but also gender, sexual orientation, etc. FA has the only recent MLM cover. And don't tell me that the FA and LoA covers are any different from each other. The only black characters on covers are Zoey Wade (QB), and Black!Gabe Ricci (LoA) and Bastien (WB), which aren't even their canon races unless you choose them to be. This is the case for many single-LI books, such as Cassian Keane (W:ABR, which technically premiered on Mar. 16, but the sentiment is the same), Sam Dalton (TNA), and Dakota Winchester (WEH). Not to mention the customizable/multi LI books like DS, RT, BaBu2, MTFL, etc. Majority of these covers are just cishet couples delicately cradling each other's bodies or whatever. And we're not even gonna get into how PB literally put the Open Heart LIs in order of their favouritism on Book 3's cover.

4. Writers/Staff - QUESTIONABLE

We will be engaging in professional training on historical and current racism for our writers to ensure more of them have a better understanding and more context for views of diverse characters in Choices. We will also create a program that gives more authority to people of color in the studio to advise writers and artists on more authentic portrayals in both writing and art of black, brown, and minority characters.

A story with a Black-led cast is something I have asked for in the past, but failed to follow-up on. We will very likely start this with a Black-led cast story led by Chelsa, one of Pixelberry's Black writers.

We will increase the number of diverse writers we source for new stories, starting with hiring more Black and Latinx writers to lead the charge.

For all teams at Pixelberry we will actively work to bring in more Black and Latinx candidates with the goal to increase the number of Black and Latinx employees at Pixelberry. Although Pixelberry is over 50% female, on teams where females are not at 50% we will actively work to source more female candidates.

This promise seemed like a copout from the start because we have no way of knowing who works on what at PB unless we very meticulously stalk their LinkedIn or Twitter or whatever. We have no solid statistics except for what they feed us. I do know, however, that they recently let the Ms. Match writers go and were hiring for external writers, but there really is no way of knowing what's going on behind-the-scenes with their 112+ employees, and of course there would be NDAs involved. We are yet to see a book with an all-Black cast, and receive rare development updates with new books. Actually, I think a really good way to promote diversity is to do staff showcases on their social media. Just a way to show the public who's responsible for what. Writers, game devs, the art team, etc. Don't think it'll happen, but it's always a good idea.

5. Donations - QUESTIONABLE

Pixelberry will also be making $100,000 in donations to Black Girls Code, the Black Writers Collective, and the Latinx Writers Collective at Techqueria. Rather than as a lump sum, we will be making these donations over the course of a year to remind us that we are not making short term changes, but are committed to long term sustainable actions. We’ll also be donating up to an additional $100k from profits for this week, 6/15-6/21.

There has been no proof, no receipts, no evidence from PB that they have donated anything to anyone, and as far as we're concerned, their word doesn't mean anything. No news or updates news about it. I would love to believe that they did something, but as you can see, I've become quite the pessimist. BWC still uses PB's old logo (like, pre-Choices) on their sponsors page, and the last interaction they've had with BGC was in 2013. They don't even follow each other on Instagram. In fact, BGC received a huge donation from MacKenzie Scott, formerly Bezos last July. Yes, that billionaire Bezos, and that got coverage from them. Obviously donations don't need to be for publicity, but in this case I think it's important there should be proof. Again, it's really hard to tell with these behind-the-scenes things, but given how PB loves to gloat and hates to keep promises, we can assume that none of this happened.

~~~

So, what's the takeaway? That PB's fallen down the drainhole of shitty content and empty promises and has no intention of climbing out as long as they still make that bank? Seems counterproductive, because good representation gets good feedback and income. They pump out bad books with barebones "representation" if you can call it that, then drop their precious merch and pretend all is fine and dandy. But just as I suspected one year ago, none of this matters, because people forget things, and people move on, and shit gets swept under rugs. Yet, here I am, yelling at a company in a post I for sure doubt they'll see. Because if not me, then who?

@playchoices Your move. It's been your move for a year now. When will you actually make it?

#playchoices #choices stories you play

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stephspurs · 3 years ago

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A Family Affair | Euro 2020 Football Fanfiction

Life is beautiful and life is cruel. This is a window into the souls of the victorious and the vanquished. In a way, football did come home during the summer of 2021. Follow along Amelia’s journey, navigating the football world as a tactical analyst for the Italian football team, with a brother and father part of the three lions. Will Amelia leave Italy and come back to England? Will she leave the Serie A for the Prem? Will she set aside the bianconeri stripes for new colours, leaving behind friendship for love? Maybe she can have both...

hey girlypops! here is part 5!!! thanks for the feedback on the last part - i've gone back through and edited slight bits to make it more straightforward who her brother is and who it isn't. Nothing has been changed to the story line so no need to go back and re-read (unless you want to lol love yas). Part 5 is a whole lot of fun! As the warning suggests, you can expect a few too many drinks, some heavy flirty & a very smug italian.

Love always, Steph xx

Part 5. | parte quinta

warnings; a few too many drinks, heavy flirting and a smug italian.

word count; 1704

writing tools; third person until dashed line, first person thereafter.

next update; Wed 04/08 5pm AEST. Updates are three times/week (Monday, Wednesday & Friday)!

Tags (as requested by users); @footballffbarbiex @obsesseds-world @abysshaven

link to fic masterlist here

Day rolls into night, which rolls into the next day and before she knew it Amelia had been under the Mykonos sun for 5 days. Her brother and his teammates, who she should now probably refer to as her friends as well, did nothing but welcome her into their group with open arms and tried to include her in every activity they were doing. Most times she declined their invitation, opting to just relax on her own. She was very comfortable with her own company, she never felt like she needed another person to be able to exist. It was something she was proud of.

No doubt there were times she often missed companionship. She had her fair share of flings that gave her what kind of satisfaction she needed at the time, but she never felt like she needed someone else’s air to be able to breathe. This Mykonos trip, however, reminded her of how much she was beginning to miss her players. They had a group chat, La Cosa Nostra, which was probably a pretty poor group chat name but she was inducted into the already established group when she became close with some of the players & besides it was just Our Thing.

She missed the gentle bullying that she received on the daily from the serie a superstars, and also missed dishing it out to them so that they could keep their feet on the ground and their heads out of the clouds. Laying on her bed in a towel, after a nice shower, she contemplated taking up her brother’s offer from earlier in the evening. Does she go out and meet him and their mates at the club? Why not?

Getting up off her bed, she put on some makeup for the first time in a few days, making her feel somewhat human again, blow dried her freshly washed hair and put on her favourite Camilla bikini, covered up by a white slightly-sheer and flowy mini dress. Putting on her white sneakers and grabbing her cross body bag, comfort was the theme of tonight, and also because she wasn't in the mood to break her ankle on the grecian cobblestones.

Walking to the club that her brother had messaged her the name of, she noticed a ridiculously long line to get in which was honestly long enough for her to consider just going home, but she had committed to the plans & her brother was already expecting her - plus she had already put on her mascara and she was not wasting it. Approaching the line she went to join the back when her arm caught that of someone else walking past her.

_____________________________________________________________

“Sembra che tu non riesca a starmi lontano, vero?” (you can't seem to stay away from me, can you?) Looking up, I had linked arms with my midfield maestro, Jorginho. Who was smiling down at me with the cheeky grin that told me he saw me coming and couldn't help himself.

“Ciao! Come sei stato? Che sorpresa incontrati qui!” (Hi! How have you been? What a surprise running into you here!) I begin to say to him as I kiss both his cheeks in greeting.

“I’ve been good, enjoying time off as a double champion” He joked with me. He was right, he was a double champion and no one could take that away from him.

“Bella Amelia, this is Thiago. I play with him at Chelsea, which I'm sure you already knew. Thiago, this is the brains behind the organisation, Amelia” Jorginho introduced me to his Chelsea counterpart, which he was correct about - i did already know exactly who he was.

“Are you guys coming into Tropicana? I’m meeting up with my brother and his mates - some of them play with you guys at Chelsea. You should join us!” It took very little convincing for the two footballers, who looked like they were a couple hours into their long night, to join me in the club.

Unsurprisingly, we got let into Tropicana quite quickly. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the two mega famous and ridiculously good looking footballers I had looped around each of my arms. Walking through the club, the smell of cigarette smoke and vodka wafting around me, I managed to find the british players.

“Now now boys, no bad blood here! I know you all managed to get over my Italian affiliation so don’t hold it against my boy Jorgi here!” I address the group jokingly, as I wrap my right arm around his neck and he wraps his left around my waist.

Of course the Chelsea boys welcome him with open arms, they’ve known both Thiago and Jorgi longer than they’ve known me. The other boys offer their hellos before continuing to dance and drink with their mates. I say hi to everyone, give a big hug to my brother and Kyle (my chosen brother) before I'm wrapped into another hug I wasn't expecting.

“I’ve got to admit, you give a good hug” I say as I whisper into his ear.

“You’re a pretty easy person to hug, Mils”

“Always a smooth talker you are, Jack”

We parted and I grabbed myself a drink before spending the night dancing on top of the table with the girlfriends of the boys that I had only just been introduced to. Bonding over the fact that I was desperate for some female companionship, and also that I was the only single girl in the group, leading to the conclusion that they needed to be my wingwoman...all of them.

The night thereafter was spent finding suitable prospects for my whirlwind night of fun and romance, which I insisted wasn't necessary but also couldn't help but admit that it excited me just a little. It had been a while since I was close with a guy in that sense, and to be honest, the tequila shots that the girls had me doing was loosening me up in more ways than one.

Feeling the need for a break and some fresh air, I grabbed my purse and walked outside to sit along the retaining wall. We had reached that part of the evening where there was no chance I wasn't going to be allowed back into the club - the bouncers and security guards becoming more relaxed and carefree as it neared the time that the sun would reappear. Without thinking twice, I asked for a cigarette from some guys standing outside and a quick light, before returning to my little spot on the wall.

“They’re right bad for you, ya know” A voice to my right startled me.

“Jesus! You need to stop scaring me like that!” I shrieked.

“Nah not Jesus, just Chilly. However the beard has me thinking I do look a little bit God-like these days..no?” He says as he runs his fingers through the barely-there beard. Sure I could agree with stubble, maybe even a little bit more than stubble, but a beard? Not yet. However, I wasn't about to dim his sparkle.

“I like the beard, Chilly.” I confirmed.

“I like you, Mils” Wow ok. Straight to the point then.

“Well thanks, you’re not so bad yourself.” I tried to play it off, it was obvious we had both consumed far too much alcohol this evening and the cigarette was currently working wonders in its purpose of sobering me up.

“Ya know, the girls were out there tonight looking for your Greek Adonis to come and sweep you off your feet. They were looking a bit too hard though, if you know what i mean” he sweet talks me, and its working.

“Wow Ben, you’re really out here laying it on thick tonight - factor 50 i would say. I’m sure you’re just looking through rose coloured glasses right now” I joked back with him. I can’t say I didn't notice all of his longing looks, extra attention to me, constant protection when we would be out in public, but I knew at the end of the week that I would be going back to Turin, so there wasn’t any point.

Finishing up our little chat (read: heavy flirting session), we headed back inside together to join the group. Before long, Jorgi comes up to me with a drink and a smug smile on his face.

“Che cosa?” (what?) I questioned him in Italian, trying to limit as many people understanding our conversation as possible.

“Cosa succede a mykonos, rimane a mykonos, no?” (what happens in mykonos, stays in mykonos, no?) He says as he leans into my ear. To anyone else it would just look like two friends trying to have a conversation in a loud club, but I understood his message loud and clear.

“non sto facendo niente di male, né l'ho mai fatto. non voleva etichette, quindi è quello che ha ottenuto” (i'm not doing anything wrong, nor have i ever. he wanted no labels so that’s what he got.) I say back firmly. Jorgi let go of my shoulders and moved to stand in front of me.

“It’s ok tesoro (darling), I’m sure Federico would agree with you” He said back to me in English, it was obvious that he wanted someone around to understand the premise of our conversation. He smiled cheekily at me, before taking a swig of his drink and dancing backwards into the crowd as I shook my head at him.

Jorgi and I developed the kind of friendship that would last through time. We were equals. We listened to each other's problems, offered the advice that we needed to hear & not necessarily wanted to hear. We promoted each other's happiness and tried to get each other to not take life too seriously. This was his way of bringing me back down to earth, reminding me of what I have waiting for me back in Turin, but also making sure I knew what was right in front of me. He left the decision up to me to make, but he played his part to make sure I knew all of my options. He really was a good friend, which would make my next career decision a little bit more challenging than anticipated.

Part 6. | parte sesta

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euphoricimagination · 3 years ago

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International Love-Haikyuu x foreign reader Pt 49

- Youth Training Camp pt3-

The week passes fast and before I notice it, the last day of the training camp was here. Thanks to the coaches, who gave me a lot of freedom, I became closer to the rest of the players due to all the feedback that I gave them.

Now the guys are playing a match where the players switch their normal positions, Tsumu being the libero, Hoshiumi the setter and Kageyama a wing spiker. Kageyama spikes one of Hoshiumi’s set and scores past a double block attempt.

- Well done Tobio-kun

- Thanks Yn-san – says bowing eagerly

- Yn-chan, how was my set? – says Hoshiumi excitedly

- Pretty good, you’re a good setter too

- Yay!

In the next rally Hoshiumi sends a set to Sakusa, however he hesitates before hitting it even though he marks a point.

- You doubted my set didn’t you?!

- I just wanted to be certain of it – says Sakusa monotone

- But Yn-chan said my sets are good, you don’t trust her?!

- I do trust her, but I just wanted to be sure.

While doing his cool-down stretches, I once again see Tsumu going to Kageyama, and considering how Tsumu can be I decided to approach just to make sure he didn’t go too far.

- …Someone who can’t hit my sets just suck. You should be a spiker, you seem tense playing as a setter.

- Maybe he’s like that because of what you told him, you idiot – I say plopping into his back, barely making him flinch

- But I’m a setter - states Kageyama simply

- I know, I know – says Tsumu standing up, making sure I didn’t fall from his back, ready to leave.

- Miya-san what does Goody Two shoes mean?

- ...Exactly what it sounds, you’re a serious, honest and all-around good person.

- In a way I do agree with Tsumu, strangely – I say, making the blonde say an annoyed hey at me – You’re really good at adapting with your team, but are you sure that’s all they can do?

A little later, after everyone had eaten a proper meal and pack their things, the coaches call all of the players to say a goodbye speech.

- I want to congratulate all of you for being able to play in such a new environment. This camp was planned as a way to get all of you started on their youth activities and to help you figure things out and show you that there’s always room for improvement. In that same note I want to congratulate you Yn-chan, watching you help everyone here really set my mind of how good of a coach you can be, I’m sure all of the players appreciated your help.

Everyone says thank you to the coach before going to take their things out of the dorms. I go outside with my backpack, seeing Kageyama there tying his shoe.

- Tobio-kun, do you need help going to the station?

- I don’t think so, is Kozume-san coming to walk with you?

- No, Tsumu wanted to walk with me to say hi to my family, so I told Kenma to wait in his house – I say

- Ah I see

- Bye Kageyama! Bye chibi-chan! – says Komori when he goes out, followed by Sakusa who stares down at Kageyama

- Bye Komori-kun! Bye Omi!

- See you soon, Chibi-chan – says Sakusa bowing while passing by my side. Hoshiumi also goes out nodding at Kageyama and giving me a hi-5 before going.

- See you at the Nationals, Tobio-kun – says Tsumu with a little cocky grin, however his demeanor changes when he sees me with my eyebrow raised – Let’s go chibi-chan, is late.

- See you Tobio-kun, say hi to Shoyo for me please

- I will

- Hey isn’t that the hoodie Suna gave you? – Tsumu asks when we are walking towards my house

- Yeah, it’s really warm and it reminds me of all of you, I used to steal everyone’s jacket at one point.

- Oh yeah, I remember how flustered you made Samu when you wore his – says Tsumu laughing

- You’re acting like you weren’t red as a tomato when you saw me on yours, I have proof

- Well, it’s not my fault! It’s not the most normal thing to do here in Japan between friends.

- Look, at this point, I don’t even know if it’s normal in my country, it’s just a me trait. That’s my house.

- Then I’ll bring one of my hoodies when we come for the Nationals – says hugging me, putting his chin on my head – you looked cool in the training camp

- huh?

- Giving feedback to everyone so they could be better, or explaining stuff to us. Sometimes you look more like a coach than the coaches do.

- Thanks, Tsumu – I say nuzzling my head in his chest – go and say hi to my family, you’re going to miss the train if you don’t go soon

We go to my house and Tsumu talks a little with my mom and brother while I leave my things in my room. When Tsumu leaves I go to Kenma’s house, entering with the spare key that he gave me. I enter to his room only to find him sitting in his computer talking to the headset, extremely concentrated while playing an online game. I go and hug his back, making him jump a little looking behind him.

- Sorry – I mutter quietly

- ‘I have to go, sorry’ – says into the mic, turning everything off immediately, without even waiting for an answer. He turns the chair around and pulls me into his lap – Hi

- Hi – I say chuckling, nuzzling into his neck – missed me much?

- No… - says, yet his arms pull me tighter

- Oh really? Then you wont mind me going to Tetsu’s house to tell him about the camp. He seemed excited to know about it.

- You’re annoying… I had to survive with Lev and Kuro alone, just so you come and tease me

- Poor you, you had to talk to your teammate and your best friend – I say earning a glare – I’m kidding, pretty boy. Did I miss something important?

- Not really, we did the usual stuff. Everyone seemed a little off though, I guess they all got used to having you and your snarky comments around

- Hey, you should be grateful to have my snarky comments, they don't appear to anyone! - I say chuckling - it was weird for me too, everyone was…too good, it was strange not having someone like Lev

- Why only Lev? – says squinting his eyes

- Because Lev still has some problems playing? Don’t worry though, I also missed the kitty that claims to hate affection and people, yet always wants me around or let’s me hold him – I say kissing his cheek, making him blush a little - I’m going to lay down for a while, you can keep play-

- Let’s go – says taking me to his bed. Once I lay down, he goes straight into my chest nuzzling in it as he hug me tightly – how was the camp?

- Quite fun actually, there were only 12 people and I knew 6, so I didn’t feel as anxious as I normally would when interacting with them. Having Tsumu there also help me a lot. The coaches were really nice too, they let me interrupt as much as I wanted, so I ended up talking and helping them a lot an-what?

- Nothing – says looking at me with extremely soft eyes, making me blush and get all shy. He moves up a little so we were face to face, taking my cheek and kissing me deeply while his other hand was under my t-shirt, touching my bare waist. My hands went to his neck almost immediately, pulling him into me to be as close as we possibly could. Our foreheads connected when we stop, gaining our breath back – I’m glad that you had fun, but I missed having you around.

- I missed having you around too. Your presence relaxes me – I say giving him a quick peck – You know, it baffles me sometimes that we met this year, our relationship isn’t even a year old, yet it feels so…natural

- Do you believe in fate? – says laying down again, his face on my neck this time

- Huh?

- Cause I do now, there’s no other logical explanation for us.

- And here I was all my life refusing to believe in soulmates, fate or destiny. I guess I can’t complain, I got an amazing boyfriend… God, I’m tired, I want to sleep

- Then sleep – says rolling to the side, putting my head on his chest while he passes his arms around me, taking his psp out

- I love how I can sleep here and neither of our moms would care

- We live in front of each other, you dummy. And both of our family trust us, they know we wouldn’t do... things if we weren’t sure about it. Now shut up and sleep.

- …you’re quite the hypocrite, but fine, love you

- Love you too kitten – says kissing the top of my head.

~~~~~~

Part 48 - Part 50

Cursive words/sentences are in Japanese

Bold words/sentences are in English

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stay-mon-army · 4 years ago

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The Soccer Incident

Warnings: A couple swears

Word Count: 2,534 words

Pairing: Junhoe x female!reader

Koo Junhoe was a contradiction. He was an anomaly in the usual order of things, and everyone seemed to love him for it. He was one of the most popular people in his university because he didn’t quite fit into any one category. He was a physical education major, he was the star player on the lacrosse team, the most sought after male player in the intramural soccer club on campus, he was arguably the most attractive jock in the whole school, and he was the reason there was a Jiu Jitsu club on campus. You would think hearing all of these accomplishments that he was a total meat head jock- there’s no way any man this invested in physical activity could ever be interested in more stationary, softer intellects.

However, Junhoe was also a creative writing minor. He was a part of a small writers group that he had compiled of poetry writers (like him) and fiction writers (a passion he deeply admires but didn’t have the same calling for). He had a few poems published in the school’s English journal, and was never caught without his leather bound notebook for his poetry.

Junhoe was one of the most versatile students in his university- but this never seemed to cross Junhoe’s mind. He didn’t see any reason why people would expect anything else from him. Why were people always surprised when they learned that the star lacrosse player was also a poet? Why were his friends in Jiu Jitsu club always laughing when they saw him scribbling away in his journal before meeting started instead of stretching like the rest of them?

Not everyone judged Junhoe so harshly, and there’s no way he could miss the way girls watched him when he walked around campus. Like he could ever be oblivious when the girls in his writing group created love interests that could almost be his doppelganger. Junhoe’s gay-dar was also almost flawless- it wasn’t just the girls that gave him heart eyes in passing.

However, there was one girl that totally ignored Junhoe— (Y/N) was the conundrum that Junhoe couldn’t figure out. He knew she liked boys- he’d seen her at parties with boyfriends, but she didn’t seem to notice him at all. He’d only tried to talk to her once, and she’d been kind, but she’d been late to class and had to rush off. Of course, it was just Junhoe’s luck that the only girl that Junhoe had eyes for was also the one who looked right through him.

He didn’t know much about her— it wasn’t like he was some stalker. He did know, however, that she was also a creative writing minor and was a junior- just like Junhoe. They had previously been in two classes together, which was how she had managed to catch his eye. She would come to class either dressed to the nines- perfectly designed outfits that matched all the way to the jewelry- or looking like she’d just rolled out of bed- her hair in a messy bun, a pair of sweats baggy and hanging from her waist haphazardly. To him, she always looked beautiful.

The thing that really won his heart, though, wasn’t her look or their similarities; it was the way that she always gave him blunt, brutally honest feedback on his pieces. Most of their others in his creative writing classes either don’t know enough to give good feedback, or were so infatuated with him that they gave nothing but blind praise for everything he wrote. (Y/N) was the only person except the Professor who could give advice that Junhoe could use— ideas that sparked Junhoe’s mind to make even better, deeper poems that expressed exactly what he meant.

Her straightforward nature had won him over, but was also the thing that stopped him from shooting his shot. Nothing scared him quite like the idea of being rejected by her— he could imagine it now and it gave him chills. His mind paints the picture without his consent; asking her out the next time they pass, her blank face staring before it morphs into one of pity, her soft voice explaining she’s not interested, her turning away— scurrying off before he can make it more awkward.

No, he’s perfectly fine admiring from afar. It hurt less; he’d rather her not know he exists than to be another weird boy hitting on a classmate he barely knows.

Fate seemed to have other plans for Junhoe, however. Or, more accurately, his best friend, who happens to run the intramural club. He had shown up slightly early for the club meeting that day and was surprised to see Donghyuk with (Y/N) and her best friend, (Y/BF/N), who was the best female player on the intramural team. He really was contemplating running in the opposite direction as quickly as he could, but he was a second too slow.

“Yo, Jun, come here!” Donghyuk waves him over, a wide grin on his face, knowing exactly what he was doing to the poor man.

With a deep breath and a lot of internal cursing of Donghyuk’s existence, he slowly jogged towards the trio.

“Dong, what’s up, man?” Junhoe had no idea what was coming out of his mouth, or why he suddenly sounded like some of the more asshole boys in his sports classes, but he was too focused on remembering to breathe and not trip to care much. Donghyuk’s eyebrows bounce at the greeting, obviously making the same judgement that Junhoe did, before nodding at him, playing it off.

“You know (Y/B/F/N),” Donghyuk gestures to the two women beside him. “This is her best friend, (Y/N). She’s going to take up Miyoung’s spot while her wrist heals.”

Junhoe nods at (Y/B/F/N), who smiles at him. He doesn’t know where he gains the confidence, but he looks directly at you and says, “Don’t we have a creative writing class together?” The automatic look of confusion makes Junhoe’s heart freeze, then instantly knock impossibly fast against his rib cage.

But then your eyes burst with realization, a huge grin splitting your face. “You mean Dr. Scott’s class? God, I’m barely alive for that class; how are you awake enough that early to know the other kids in that class?” You were laughing with him— though it took him a second to laugh along because wow you were having a conversation.

“I just really like the class— I zone out in most other classes.” It wasn’t a lie, he just didn’t point out you were his favorite part of the class. All his other writing classes over the semesters without you had been almost torture with all the fawning, ass-kissing girls.

“Yeah, Jun is actually a pretty shit student because he’d rather write poems and join every sports club on campus than do his damn homework.” Donghyuk nudges Junhoe, laughing as Junhoe balks at his words.

“Well his poems are good so it must pay off a little! I’ll be the judge today if the same can be said about his sport skills.” You chuckle, and try to ignore the look that (Y/B/F/N) is shooting you that Junhoe thankfully doesn’t catch.

Junhoe is too busy having to physically restrain himself from fawning over your praise. Luckily your friend jumped in just before he could combust with the effort.

“We should go get ready. Let’s go stretch under the shade over there, (Y/N)!” She loops her arm around your bicep, lightly tugging you away from the boys. You wave at them, looking simultaneously absolutely adorable and like you were afraid your friend would kill you when you reached the aforementioned shade.

When you finally turned to look at (Y/B/F/N), Donghyuk whacks Junhoe’s bicep hard, making him wince and rub the abused spot. “Make a move already, idiot. Are you blind, or just stupid? Did someone put you in a particularly tight chokehold recently?”

“Wh-what?” Well that told Donghyuk all he needed to know and he sighed as he rubbed his face.

“She likes you too, dipshit. Just ask her out already.” Junhoe stared at his best friend for a solid minute before he burst out laughing.

His eyes welled with tears as he gasped around peals of laughter, holding his ribs as his sides spasmed from the force of his laughter. He couldn’t believe Donghyuk had said that when he’d just done so much to try not to seem like a crazy person.

“You’re hopeless, I swear.” Donghyuk shakes his head, leaving Junhoe’s still cackling figure to go greet a couple other students in the club who had arrived.

Although Junhoe is able to physically calm himself down and begin to stretch for the game, his mind wouldn’t stop thinking of Donghyuk’s words, and he repeatedly had to stop himself from looking over his shoulder at you to see if you were looking at him too. Finally Donghyuk called everyone to the side of the field to split into teams.

Just Junhoe’s luck that he was on the opposite team as you. He had wanted to work with you to win— the idea of you two playing soccer together and beating the other team made his heart race in a way that confused him. It was just a little passing crush on you, why was he so invested in doing things with you?

Get yourself together, Junhoe, and get your ass out there.

He took a deep breath and huddled up with his team, splitting up positions and delegating who would play when, since there were so many members on both teams that they would change out players. Junhoe was to be the first member in the goal, which he wasn’t ecstatic about, but he accepted it with a grin. He could play any position just as well as the next person, so he knew he could keep the goal safe from the other team. He really would’ve preferred to be out on the field to show off his skills though—especially with you out there. You had pulled your hair from your face and you had shed the light jacket you had on previously to show off a band t-shirt, a group he absolutely adored to listen to while writing that he never would have expected you to like as well.

As he took his place in the goal at their end of the field, he watched you stand next to your friend, laughing at something she said, pushing her lightly. He couldn’t help but smile wide at how happy you looked—totally at ease despite the fact you were about to play soccer with a group that you barely knew.

Donghyuk shouted out a “start game” from his position on the sidelines (he was sitting out this first half, but he would later take Junhoe’s position, as he preferred to stay on the side, watching the action instead of running around). Junhoe’s team was a surprisingly good mixture of members; while not the best players, they seemed to work together beautifully today, and Junhoe’s job was mind-numbingly easy.

The ball almost never came to their side of the field, except for a handful of close calls that Junhoe quickly dispatched with calculated ease. His team was winning 3-0 with only about 10 minutes left for this half before they switched out the members. Hearing this minute warning seemed to light a newfound fire under your ass, however, and you suddenly seemed to learn exactly how to play soccer like a pro. Your goalkeeper had kicked the ball at you after saving it from another goal. Seemingly in a matter of seconds you were one with the soccer ball as you effortlessly handled it all the way across the field to his goal until you were only a few feet from him. You made eye contact and he could see the fire and drive in your eyes for a goal, and he made a conscious decision in that second to let you make the goal. He would let the ball through—what was one small goal anyway, and it was only an intramural game.

However, his plans changed quickly when you punted the ball—hard. Instead of going into the goal cleanly, like he was expecting, it went straight for his forehead, knocking his head back with a sharp thwack sound. He fell to the ground with a harsh groan, his hands coming up to rest on his face as the world spun and warped, pain spreading across his whole head. He lay on his back, cradling his head in his hands, as he grunted out swears that would make his mother smack him harder than the soccer ball had.

“Oh my god, are you alright? Jesus, I’m so so sorry.” Your voice was high and anxious, and racing closer to him. He moved his hands and opened his eyes, squinting against the harsh sunlight to see your face looking down at him. You were sweaty from all the running, and your hair was starting to fall back into your face, but he still couldn’t help smiling.

“God, you’re beautiful, (Y/N).” He didn’t know what that ball did to his head, but he didn’t really mind the sudden courage it gave him.

Your face dropped into shock before you burst out into glorious laughter, your face lighting up into the widest and most adorable smile Junhoe had ever seen.

“You’re crazy, Junhoe.” You brush a strand on his hair from his face before pressing a hand softly to his cheek. He closes his eyes and leans into the touch softly. “No, no, don’t close your eyes. We don’t know if you have a concussion yet.”

His eyes flutter open and look at you with soft eyes. He gathers the last bit of pain-drunk courage to blurt out, “Go on a date with me?”

You nod, looking down at his splayed figure. “It is the least I can do after almost taking your head off with a soccer ball.”

“Good kick, by the way.”

You both laugh at that as you stand, slowly taking his hands and helping him to his feet as well. He winces and places the heel of his hand between his eyebrows, where the most pain is currently radiating.

“Let’s get you an icepack.” You chuckle, putting his arm around your shoulder and walking him towards the nurse’s office. Donghyuk didn’t seem to even ask if Junhoe was alright, he was well aware that he would be fine with some rest and ice. Instead, he just jumped into his place with an accomplished grin on his face, starting the game right back up.

You didn’t need to help Junhoe all the way to the nurse, or stay with him for the 20 minutes he sat there with an icepack to his forehead, but the conversation you had was funny and sweet. And truth be told, you had noticed Junhoe many times in the past and had been drawn to him. You were more than happy for any excuse to interact with him outside of class. And thanks to this upcoming date, you would finally get the chance to get to know him that much better.

#koo junhoe imagine #ikon imagine #ikon #koo junhoe #ikon imagines #koo junhoe imagines #ikon ju ne #ikon june #ikon june imagine #ikon june imagines #ikon fluff

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alexalbonbon · 4 years ago

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Drive to Survive is less documentary and more Keeping Up With The Formula 1 Drivers. And that needs to change

When Netflix first announced Drive To Survive in March 2018, the show was promoted as an “attempt to immerse the audience inside the cockpits, the paddock, and the lives of the key players in Formula 1 racing. The series will have exclusive access to the world’s fastest drivers, team principals and owners, as well as Formula 1’s own management team.”

The announcement was a clear statement from new owners Liberty Media: attract new fans to Formula 1. And what better way to do this than by collaborating with the biggest streaming platform in the world? Drive To Survive was supposed to become a 10-episode documentary series for both new and established Formula 1 fans and would cover the 2018 season.

The show did a decent job in its first season, it did give a fresh look behind the scenes of the sport, with some drivers also allowing the camera crews in their personal lives. It introduced us to (most of) the teams, drivers, and team principals and gave an insight into the traveling, multi million dollar circus that is Formula 1.

But how are you going to cover a racing championship if you’re not allowed access to the two major teams fighting for that championship? You can’t, and the producers decided to take a page out of the Keeping Up With The Kardashians manual and thought it would be fun to give a show that was supposed to be a documentary show about the pinnacle of motorsport a reality series makeover in post production instead.

While we did see some of Daniel Ricciardo’s family and life off-track, this was completely overshadowed by the producers’ excessive need to dramatize his inter-team rivalry with then-teammate Max Verstappen. Any person who followed Formula 1 and especially Red Bull at the time knew that, although Daniel indeed was struggling with his position within the team, the two were not the enemies the show makes them out to be and are actually good friends. And rather than learn from the first season and the feedback given by both fans and drivers, the producers decided to up the drama even more for the next two seasons. Meanwhile, all of us are sitting here wondering why. If you spend some time following the sport, there’s plenty of drama already.

Going forward with seasons two and three, it was apparently decided that the show needed more of a Hollywood feeling and plenty of episodes were given the hero versus villain treatment. This reached its peak in the Red Bull focused episodes in both seasons two and three. Take the difficult (to say the least) work environment of the “big” team, mix it with some weird crap said by Christian Horner and top it off with the commentary by Will Buxton literally nobody asked for and you have yourself a Pierre Gasly versus Alex Albon rivalry. Where in season two Gasly was portrayed as the person keeping Red Bull back in the World Championship and Albon came in to save the day, season three decided to reverse Uno that narrative and made Albon (one of the only three people of color on the grid) the one in this role, while Gasly thrives at AlphaTauri. Albon is made look weak, stupid and slow. All things people who have looked beyond his Red Bull stint know are not true. Not once is it suggested that Albon was put under immense pressure by being moved to the “big team” in what was only his first season of Formula 1. Nor would Horner ever take responsibility for the clear favouritism shown to Verstappen.

And then there is what might be the biggest crime in the entire show: the lack of presence of record race winner, seven-time World Champion Lewis Hamilton in season three. There are no good words for whoever was in charge of production and decided that this man, one of the greatest, if not the greatest, Formula 1 drivers of all time, was not worthy of an entire episode dedicated to his story, his racecraft, and his activism. The only black driver on the grid, Drive To Survive gave him five minutes at the end of the very last episode to touch on the Black Lives Matter movement Hamilton has been a vocal supporter of for years. His record equalling 91st win at the Eifel Grand Prix was briefly touched upon, but his record equalling seventh World Championship in Turkey was apparently too much of an effort to include. It only enhances the fact that the We Race As One campaign Formula One Management ran last year was nothing more than a PR stunt. It is time to take Lewis Hamilton seriously, he has a platform and he wants to use it and Netflix not giving him that opportunity is shameful. Yes, a big part of the demographic of Formula 1 consists of straight, white men who absolutely refuse to look at the world outside of their bubble. But Netflix promotes inclusivity, so why should this show be any different? It is a Netflix original show, which gives them no way to point at anyone else being the final part of production responsible. By showing the (graphic) clip of George Floyd’s death and letting Hamilton say three sentences about the BLM movement, you’re not promoting the inclusivity the streaming service wants to stand for. Formula 1, Netflix, and Box To Box Productions all need to do better, and they need to start doing better now.

So how does the show move forward? Let’s start by throwing out the terrible “scripts”, including those terrible one-liners Lance Stroll throws out in the first couple of season three episodes (I like Lance, but this made me cringe so hard, my eye is still twitching). Several drivers, including Max Verstappen, and more recently George Russell have spoken out against the framing the show chooses. This should be a clear sign that things need to change, especially if one of the drivers above called the show “cringey” in front of the Netflix cameras. Is there absolutely nobody in the producing team who has any real knowledge of the sport and the regulations itself? We need less Christian Horner, less Will Buxton and less forced drama and rivalry. If you put twenty men who get paid hundreds of thousands of euros in a paddock and drive around the fastest cars in the world for a living, the drama will write itself.

Formula 1 loves reminding people that it’s the “pinnacle of motorsport”, so why not show that? Why not show that the world of Formula 1 has some of the brightest minds out there that came together in the fight against COVID-19 in Project Pitlane? Or how they were one of the first major sports that returned to their competition, setting up a huge logistical challenge and managing to create a calendar with seventeen races in twelve different countries, while keeping COVID infections to a relative low? But they also should focus on the parts the teams may not always want to show. Why does Red Bull seem to have a curse on that second seat? Why does Haas have to take on a driver who didn’t manage to finish in the top 3 of the Formula 2 championship, while the vice-champion was left without a seat? Why did we have to say goodbye to the Williams family and why weren’t they given a proper sendoff in the show? Especially with Williams having the only female team principal in the paddock. And why aren’t we shining a light on what’s important: a black man standing alone in his fight for equality.

Drive to Survive should give us what it promised: an exclusive behind the scenes look of one of the most exciting sports out there. The drama will write itself, we just want the good, the bad, and the ugly. And these are things the Netflix crew can achieve, even with the current COVID restrictions still in place in the paddock.

#i kinda started rage writing this last night and ended up with 1300+ words #danielle writes stuff #f1 #formula 1

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twstarchives · 4 years ago

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Deuce Spade・Voice Lines

Additional Voice Lines

Star Send-Off Garments event card

Scary Dress event card

School Uniform - R

Unlock Card “An honors student needs to be able to balance both their studies and their club activities.”

Groovy “It’s nice to have friends where you both can lift each other up.”

Home Setting “I’m going to be an honors student.”

Home Transitions “Even now, there are times when I still can’t believe I’m a student at the prestigious Night Raven College.”

“It’s not that I hate the uniforms. It’s just that, uh... in the past, I used to rip my clothes a lot, so wearing them the way they’re supposed to be worn feels uncomfortable.”

“What class do you have next? I’m not that good at doing work... but I try my best because of that.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “Are you ready? We’ll be in trouble if the teachers notice we’re late.”

Home Taps “If you haven’t gotten any food yet, want to go together? I recommend getting the cafeteria’s fluffy omelettes.”

“My dream...? Someday I want to become a powerful mage. That’s why I’ve got to study my hardest now.”

“It might seem daunting being in a place you’re not familiar with, but as long as you set your mind to it, things should turn out okay. It’s an experience.”

“Ace ran off somewhere skipping out on his class duties, huh? ...He really is a handful.”

“Stop it, I don’t like being prodded at so much. ...Hey, are you sure you heard me?”

PE Uniform - R

Unlock Card “I feel really sure about my strength. If you don’t believe me, wanna test it out?”

Groovy “You can’t be a mage unless you’ve got muscles! ...That’s what Coach Vargas told us.”

Home Setting “I gotta show off the best sides of me.”

Home Transitions “Moving around feels so nice. I also like that you don’t have to think too hard about it.”

“I heard that Jack hates hanging out with people. He never talks during club meetings either, but... weirdly, we hit it off.”

“Flying is actually pretty hard. I thought it’d be something more like riding a Magical Wheel.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “Oh, you wanna go for a run together? Alright. I’ll wait here; you can go get changed.”

Home Taps “You’re bored? Then let’s go on a Magical Wheel ride somewhere... er, I forgot we’d need permission to go off-campus.”

“I was in charge of setting up our landline back home. I hope my mom hasn’t been having trouble with it...”

“Coach Vargas is the supervisor of the Track & Field club. Usually he’s a very passionate, respectable teacher, but when he gets started talking about muscles, he’s kind of...”

“Mud stains usually won’t come off on their own, so you need to hand-wash them before putting them in the washing machine. ...Everyone knows this kind of stuff, right?”

“...Hey! You don’t have to keep poking me; if there’s somewhere you wanna go, I’ll come with you.”

Lab Coat - SR

Unlock Card “There’s a lot of things I don’t know yet. I’m going to learn everything I can little by little.”

Groovy “I’ve made more progress since yesterday! ...I think.”

Home Setting “Alright. I’m gonna put in all I’ve got!”

Home Transitions “The stench of this potion I messed up won’t come off me... I smell like I just stepped out of a medicine box.”

“Diamond saw the grade I got on my test earlier. He wouldn’t stop laughing at it...”

“How is Grim able to hold that thin test tube with his paws? It’s a mystery.”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “Oh, glad you’re here. I was just thinking I’d like to take a break for a while. Want to walk with me to the Botanical Garden?”

Home Transition (Groovy) “I’m not good at studying. I wouldn’t want to do it if I had the option, but... I can’t run away. I’ve made up my mind.”

Home Taps “It’s nice there’s always something new to learn in our classes. ‘Cause when I was in middle school, I, uh... was absent a lot... ‘cause of this and that...”

“I promise I’m not that awkward, but when people are saying so many things at once, I start freaking out.”

“The best thing I can cook are fried eggs. They can be really complex if you’re picky about them. I like mine over-easy.”

“If you’re stuck on a problem, you should ask Professor Crewel for help. He’ll explain it to you for hours until you completely understand it.”

“Huh?! Did I say something wrong!? ...Oh, it’s nothing? Don’t scare me like that.”

Home Tap (Groovy) “Listen to this! I got some nice feedback on my test just now! It’s thanks to you studying with me earlier.”

Ceremony Robes - SR

Unlock Card “I can’t afford to look away. ‘Cause I’m going to become a powerful mage!”

Groovy “This is the pride of a student of Night Raven College.”

Home Setting “You want to hang out with me? You’ve got a good eye.”

Home Transitions “This academy is way too big! It’d be so much easier if we could move between classrooms through a mirror like how we get to our dorms.”

“Where are you going? Seriously... A teacher will yell at you again if you just wander off for no reason.”

“I’m going to study lots of things, and memorize lots of spells, and then someday I’ll... Ah, it’s exciting, isn’t it?”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “Every time I wear these ceremony robes, I think about the entrance ceremony, and how nervou——er, ahem!”

Home Transition (Groovy) “Hey, could we take a picture together? I think it’d put my mom at ease too if she saw I made a friend.”

Home Taps “Night Raven College is a prestigious school anyone would kill to get into. The fact that I’m here is a huge honor.”

“Clover knows so much about everything, and he’s so dependable... I want to be like that someday too.”

“The ceremony robes represent this school. It makes sense that they added this classy embroidering so that other schools can’t make light of us.”

“People say that the amount of magic power you can have is determined at birth. But you wouldn’t have any at all without working hard for it in the first place.”

“Hey, don’t get a single speck on these clothes, alright? My ceremony robes are important to me.”

Home Tap (Groovy) “When I see you, someone who can’t even use magic, trying your best at this academy... it makes me not want to lose either.”

Dorm Uniform - SSR

Unlock Card “I’ll become a committed man, just like a card soldier. That’s what I made up my mind to do.”

“Common sense doesn’t work at our dorm. You need to be prepared.”

Groovy “I would never abandon my friends. You can count on me!”

Home Setting “How are you? Have you gotten a little more adjusted here?”

Home Transitions “Does this outfit look good on me? I’ve never worn something like this before, so I feel a little awkward.”

“Just between you and me... I still feel kinda uncomfortable with the dorm’s tea parties. I’m not used to fancy things like that.”

“Trust me with playing croquet! So you just swing as hard as you can, right?”

Home Transition (Login Greeting) “Be careful not to break any of the Queen of Hearts’ rules. Especially not when you’re on Heartslabyul.”

Home Transition (Groovy) “Isn’t it lonely being at the Ramshackle Dorm by yourself? ...Huh? Oh, my bad. By yourself with one animal.”

Home Taps “Heartslabyul’s rules are strict, but a lot of them really do benefit you. ...Probably.”

“I swear my loyalty to this dorm, just like a card soldier. ...That’s what this button is supposed to mean. It’d be bad if I lost it, huh?”

“That force Dorm Leader Rosehearts has when he gets angry...! He’s a dorm leader alright—he’s not like anyone else.”

“Ace always cheats me when we play card games together, so they’re not fun. If I could just see through his trick...”

“Oh, actually, I’m in the mood to just go off and something too. Let’s go conquer the rose maze!”

Home Tap (Groovy) “If you were in Heartslabyul, it’d be a lot more... Nevermind. The Ramshackle Dorm really does suit you well, though. Haha...”

Duo Magic Deuce: “Ace! We’re gonna teach these guys a lesson!” Ace: “There it is—Deuce’s tough guy talk!”

Tutorial “Now, it’s starting.”

Lv Up “Alright, I think I did well.”

“Yeah, I feel like I got something.”

“I don’t wanna lose to anyone.”

Max Lv Up “I’ve never had anyone join me for intensive training as persistently as you have. I feel like I’ve been steadily making progress ever since I met you.”

Episode Lv Up “Heh... You and I are BFFs. ...Huh? ‘What does BFF mean’? You don’t know? Um... b... best friends, like... really close friends... Nevermind!”

Magic Lv Up “Heh... Maybe a day will come soon where I can start summoning something other than cauldrons.”

Limit Break “It’ll reflect badly on my role as a honor student if I don’t live up to your expectations.”

Groovy “My power is surging through my whole body. This is what it feels like to advance, huh?”

Lesson Select “You’re going to class, right? Let me know if you need anything. I don’t know if I’d be able to help you with your work, though...”

“C’mon, if you take your time choosing, you’ll be late to class. Let’s hurry to the classroom.”

“You just have to jump in and give it your all for whichever class you take. Make sure you’re ready for them.”

Lesson Start “Alright, let’s get started!”

Lesson End “It’s finally over. There’s a lot we have to remember.”

Battle Start “I’ll take you on all at once!”

Battle End “You see? This is the difference between our resolves.”

Other

Profile Quote “Today we’re having an Unbirthday Party. It’ll be off with our heads if we’re late.”

January 2020 Trailer “Hurry up and get over here. If you’re late to the tea party, you’ll lose your head.”

Countdown Poster “I’ll become a committed man, just like a card soldier. That’s what I made up my mind to do.”

Login Bonus “It’s important to just put in a little effort everyday. You know what they say—from little acorns mighty oaks grow.”

Player Birthday Wish “Oi, I heard it’s your birthday today. Don’t be a stranger; you should just tell me. I want to give my friends a huge celebration for their birthdays. Come on, I’ll get you something from the cafeteria.”

Valentine’s Day Gift Letter (2021)

These letters were originally in English. I didn’t translate or edit them in any way. They came with official merch from Aniplex, and are not present in-game.

Friend, Thank you for the present. You surprised me a bit with that since we don’t often get chances to give our classmates gifts. I’m so happy! Today is going to be a great day. I’ll thank you again when I see you in class later!

#twisted wonderland #deuce spade #voice lines

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slapshot-to-the-heart · 4 years ago

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Flatbush & Atlantic: part viii

part i part ii part iii part iv part v part vi part vii

Here’s part viii! Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell your dog, tell the nosy woman who lives in the apartment above you. Remember to reblog, it helps the series reach more people, and as always - tell me what you think! I haven’t gotten much feedback so far and would love to know everyone’s thoughts, even if it’s only a few words.

part viii

April 19 (sun)

Cass was the most nervous she had been in her entire life. Okay, well maybe that was an overstatement. That honor probably went to the night law school acceptances went out, or when she sat with Alejandra — a friend from back in Texas — as they thought DACA was going to get rescinded, or when her dad lost his job when she was in middle school and their family was living paycheck-to-paycheck. It was Game 6 of the first round, the Islanders leading the series 3-2. The score was tied 1-1 halfway through the second period, a beautiful tip-in by Nelson that managed to just squeak past Mrazek. They had been up 3 games to none at the start of the series, with every intention to sweep the Hurricanes in Game 4 at home. But then they dropped two in a row — needless to say, tensions were running high coming into the night.

She was sat up in the club box with the WAGs and some other family members who had flown in for the occasion, in hopes that they’d be able to celebrate a win and a move to the conference semifinals. The team probably could have used with tightening up their backcheck, but the passes were spot-on and Cass didn’t see much room to complain. Lauren on the chair opposite, she sat next to Paige as the clock hit eight minutes left, clutching a glass of white wine as her foot nervously tapped the carpet. Paige placed a steadying hand on her arm. “They’re going to pull it off, you know.”

Cass ran a hand through her hair. “That’s what I keep trying to tell myself. And I know they’ve got the talent, and these guys are some of the hardest workers I know, but—”

“It’s hard trying to rationalize it,” Paige finished.

“Yeah,” Cass nodded, “and especially knowing how long the team’s gone without a cup, like it’s been, what,” she glanced at the banners in the rafters, “38 years since they’ve won?. That’s 13 years before I was even born.”

Paige looked down at the ice thoughtfully. “I guess there’s really not much you can do in these situations but have faith that all the training and all the effort’s going to eventually pay off.”

“I guess you’re right,” Cass said, though if she was being honest she didn’t like the subjectivity of the statement. Shitty things happen to good people all the time, bad people get away with terrible things all the time, and people who have worked their asses off don’t always get what they’ve spent their entire lives working toward.

There were just under six minutes left on the clock, and the first line had just gone back on. Anders took the faceoff, and Cass was so focused on the puck that she didn’t notice the gloves dropping on the other side of the ice until Paige let out a gasp, gently shaking her out of her trance. She was thrown for a minute; sure, fights were more uncommon since the league started cracking down on penalties, but they weren’t uncommon, so why did it matter that she paid any attention?

Five seconds later, and she understood. It was Mat. It took Cass a few seconds to really grasp it — Mat wasn’t a fighter by any means, she had never seen him in one even before they got together, so what had finally set him off? They traded punches as the refs struggled to get a handle on the situation, jerseys riding up as Cass’ hand squeezed like a vice grip on Paige’s knee. She was too anxious to even figure out who the other player was, just that he was tall and blond and had one fist gripping Mat’s collar as he dodged one of his blows. Mat tried to steady himself, tried to realign his center of gravity, but then the other player threw a punch at the side of his face and it clipped his cheek as he tried to avoid it and he couldn’t get his balance back and he fell. Hard. Helmets had gone off before the fight had even started, so there was nothing in between his head and the ice.

Cass’ hands flew up to her mouth, and Lauren had to stop her from sliding off the edge of her lounge chair. There was blood, and it was coming from his head, and if there was one thing her mother’s 30 years as a nurse had taught her, it was that blood from the head was never a good sign. “I think I’m going to be sick,” she whispered, feeling the bile rise up in her throat. Scratch anything she had said before, this was hands-down the most scared she’d ever been in her life. The love of her life was bleeding from his head down on the ice, and he wasn’t moving.

You could have heard a pin drop in Barclay’s Center as the whole crowd waited for Mat to get up. And waited. And waited. Cassidy barely noticed him being helped up by Jordan; she was already running through the halls, Paige right beside her, frantically pressing the down button on the elevator to take them to the dressing room. She didn’t pay any attention to the usher who was telling her that they were private elevators because Mat was hurt and he was bleeding and oh God oh God oh God I need to get to him I need to get to him.

She leaned her head against the cool metal of the side panel, long since having abandoned her efforts to control her tears as Paige tried desperately to comfort her. “The team has really good doctors, and if he needs a hospital, we have the best ones in the world right here in New York,” she said, but her words fell on deaf ears. Cass’ head jerked up. The elevator had dinged, indicating that they had finally reached the underground level. She turned left, headed straight for the locker room. There was no way he would have been left on the bench. Cass knew enough about hockey and enough about injuries to know that a hit that hard and blood that bad meant that he’d be taken right back.

By this time, she knew the way as good as anyone, and didn’t care who would try and stop her from getting in the room. Come hell or high water, she was going to see Mat. She passed the handful of puzzled arena staff, bursting into the locker room. “I’ll be out here,” Paige had said, but it barely registered. Mat was in a room off to the side, and thank God the trainer was one who recognized her, because he nodded at her as she lingered by the door, unspoken permission that she could enter. Cass rushed to Mat’s side, his eyes screwed shut in pain as the trainer — Carter, was it? Nick? She really couldn’t remember much of anything at the moment — held a pad of gauze to his head with a gloved hand.

“Doctor should be here any minute, Mat, just hang on,” he said.

Cass knelt down, hands shaking as she laced her fingers through his. “It’s going to be okay, Mat. You’re going to be okay.”

Mat opened his eyes just a sliver. “Cass?”

“Yeah, babe. I’m here.”

The door opened again, a man with a medical bag walking through the corridor and into the side room. “Dr. Khan,” he said to the trainer as he set the bag down, unclasping it. “Nick,” he responded. So it was Nick, Cass thought absentmindedly.

“I was watching from a box when it happened, got down as soon as I could. So, his head hit the ice? No helmet?” Nick nodded as Dr. Khan snapped his own pair of gloves on. He turned to Cass. “Are you the wife?” For a moment, Cass was thrown. He may have been a doctor, but this man really couldn’t have known much about the team if he thought one of their star players was married. If Mat Barzal was married, everyone would know.

After a moment, she shook her head. “No. Girlfriend.”

He nodded. “Okay. I’m fine with you staying as long as you keep out of the way, it shouldn’t take too long.” He turned to Nick. “A/O questions?”

“Knew his name, knew the year, knew where we are, knew who she is,” he tilted his head over at Cass.

“Good, good,” Dr. Khan said, moving over to take his place at the head of the table. “Head wounds bleed a lot,” he said reassuringly, looking over at where Cass stood, her nails bit down to nubs. She thought she’d quit the habit in fifth grade. “It shouldn’t need more than a staple or two.”

True to his word, fifteen minutes later the bleeding had subsided substantially, and Mat was sporting two very shiny, brand-new staples. “I’m sorry we had to shave a little, your lovely girlfriend was telling me how much pride you take in your hair. It’ll grow back quickly,” the doctor said.

Mat let out a groan. “I’m going to lose all of my millions of adoring fans. The hair’s all I got, you know.”

Dr. Khan chuckled. “I’m glad to see you’re in good spirits. I’m going to diagnose you with a moderate concussion. It could have been a lot worse, but you got lucky this time.” He turned to Cass. “Would you be able to stay with him for the next few days? He should be able to manage, but it’s always better safe than sorry and it would be good for him to have someone around in case anything comes up.”

Cass nodded. “Yeah. I’m in school, but outside of that. Yeah. I can stay.”

Nick walked back through the door, handing a few printouts to Cass. “Just some concussion stuff for you to know. Activities for him to avoid, symptoms to be aware of, what to do if things get worse. That kind of thing.”

Cass took the sheets. “Do you think things will get worse?” She asked worriedly.

Dr. Khan shook his head. “It’s not likely, seeing as how he’s relatively aware and the concussion could have been much more severe. But it’s always better to err on the side of caution when it comes to any medical situation.”

She nodded, nervously rubbing Mat’s thumb. “Should I...take him home now?” She asked, trying to think of how she was going to take him back to Manhattan on the train when lights and loud noises were the exact thing he was supposed to be avoiding right now, or how much an hour long Uber would cost.

“I’d like to keep him for a little longer, an hour or so, just for observation to make sure symptoms don’t get any worse.”

The next hour seemed to inch by, dotted with visits from Nick and Dr. Khan and one from Trotz during the second intermission. Mat was going to be out for somewhere in the vicinity of two weeks; everything was dependent on him being medically cleared and a slow return to training and team practices. The news gutted him. It wasn’t just that Mat loved hockey, he loved being out on the ice and in the thick of the action and with his team, his brothers, and it just seemed so patently unfair that he wasn’t going to be able to do that when they needed him the most. Doing the math, he had realized with heart-wrenching certainty that that meant he would maybe be able to make the last few games of the conference semifinals, and that was only if they made it that far. It wasn’t that he didn’t have faith in his team, but the knowledge that he wouldn’t be able to do anything but sit on the bench in a suit and hand out waters ate away at him.

Someone, maybe one of the equipment managers, had taken the liberty of packing up Mat’s things, and Cass was poking around trying to find his keys. He was pretty coherent by then, but still in no state to drive. She slung the bag over her shoulder, trying not to groan at its weight — she’d definitely be sore tomorrow — and helped him out of the locker room and back to the players’ parking lot, half-heartedly waving goodbye to the handful of players and staff that were still trickling out. The ride back to his apartment was quiet, and Mat barely acknowledged the news that the team had eked out a win with a powerplay goal late in the third. They were going to the second round, and it killed him that he might not get to be a part of it.

She parked in the underground lot, taking the bag once again despite Mat’s insistence that he could carry it himself, their ride up the elevator accompanied by a strangely specific playlist that was mostly comprised of late 2000s pop. “I slow danced with my first boyfriend to this song at our freshman year homecoming dance,” Cass said.

The corner of Mat’s mouth twitched up. “I Won’t Give Up?” She nodded. “What was his name?”

“Justin. He played varsity basketball, I did lacrosse and field hockey. We were the jockiest couple at school for the all of four months we dated,” she said wistfully. “He was a good guy, but I should have known things weren’t going to work out. He had a lot of growing up to do.”

Mat hummed in acknowledgement as she opened the door. “I didn’t know you played field hockey.”

Cass let out a laugh. “Wrong surface, I know. But yeah, I did, through junior year of high school. Dropped it senior year to focus on lacrosse and college stuff.”

“But you still did lacrosse in university,” he said, more like a statement than anything.

She nodded. “Club, yeah. It would have been cool to be on the school team, but D1 sports are super competitive, and I didn’t have time between A Phi and the Mexican Student Association and honors stuff there would have been no way I could have made it all work.”

He kissed the top of her head. “Anyone ever told you you’re a bit of an overachiever?”

She glared at him. “You’re lucky you’re injured, or I would have slapped you.” Heading over to the kitchen, she called over her shoulder, “I’m getting some water, do you want anything?”

“Water would be great.” Cass came back a minute later, handing him his glass. She looked at her watch. Past midnight. Then she looked at her phone, which she hadn’t checked since the middle of the game and which had understandably blown up since then. She responded to texts from Paige and Lauren and Kerry, sent Chris a message that she’d need tomorrow off to look after Mat, reassured Noah that Mat was fine and would be back on the ice as soon as humanly possible. Her brow furrowed. Three missed messages from the apartment’s group chat, The Fantastic Four, named largely due to the fact that Cass may or may not have had a not-so-little crush on Human Torch as a middle schooler; once the girls had gotten the story out of her, they never let her live it down.

10:44 - Ryanne: When do you think you’ll be back? Made spaghetti and wasn’t sure if I should leave it out for you or put it in the fridge.

11:17 - Stella: Were you taking the subway home?

11:39 - Alicia: I saw on Twitter Mat got hurt, is everything okay? Do you need anything?

11:55 - Alicia: Cass? You good?

“Shit,” Cass breathed, shutting her eyes for a moment.

Mat looked concerned, scratching at an itch under his gauze. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Cass said, typing a response. There was almost nothing she hated more than worrying people. Oh my gosh I’m so sorry guys! Yes, I’m good, Mat’s okay too. It’s a concussion so he’ll be out of play for a few weeks, but thank God it’s not worse. I hadn’t checked my phone since he got hurt, I’m so sorry to worry y’all!! I’m over at his, the doctor said he should have someone watching him for a few days just in case. I might come pick up a few things tomorrow, but I’ll be back Wednesday :)

Mat stuck his tongue through his teeth and let out a sigh. “I’m sorry you have to deal with all this,” he gestured at his head, “it shouldn’t be your responsibility.”

Cass smiled softly at him, leaning gently into his side. “It’s okay, I don’t mind it, taking care of you and all. Plus, acts of service are my number one love language.” He laughed. “But,” she started hesitantly, “I’ve got to ask. You’re not really a fighter.” His arm tensed around her, knowing what was coming. “So what made you drop the gloves? You don’t really ever let these things get to you.”

“Yeah,” Mat sighed. He really should have expected the question sooner, it wasn’t like it was an avoidable situation. “Um, he had just been chirping me for most of the game, just stuff about how I’m all talk and no talent, about my points drought earlier in the season, stuff like that.”

“And?” Cass pressed, knowing that there was something he was holding back. She wanted to help him, and she couldn’t do that without the full story.

“And you,” he admitted. “It’s not really that unusual for guys to chirp each other about girlfriends, but he was just saying some pretty nasty stuff about you. Just sexist, gross stuff. No one should say that about a girl, doesn’t matter who she is.”

As unfortunate as it was, Cass was pretty sure she knew exactly what had been said about her. She was a woman — a young, attractive woman — living in New York City, which was practically the world capital of catcalling, and her earbuds could only drown out so much. But still, Mat’s response had her heart skip a beat. “Thank you for defending my honor,” she said sweetly, turning her head to give him a kiss on the cheek.

He blushed. “If I could go back? I’d do it all over again.”

April 27 (tues)

Cass scrolled through her Twitter feed as she waited for Mat to arrive at the deli for lunch. It had been a week and a half since the injury, and things were definitely progressing — though not as fast as Mat would have hoped. She had stayed with him for a few days until he was feeling back to his old self, and though Mat hadn’t exactly been thrilled by Cass having to wake him up every three hours to be sure that he wasn’t, you know, dead, he had been a pretty good sport overall.

Reading and excessive screen use was on the no-no list she’d been given by Dr. Khan, so Mat had taken to a lot of listening to music and trying valiantly to pick back up his guitar skills once he was feeling up to it. Skills was perhaps a generous word, Cass thought, since the only song he had been able to play with any confidence by the end of the week was Rockstar by Nickleback. “It’s not that bad,” he had said defensively. “They get a bad rep.” Cass wasn’t so sure about that, but thought it would be a bit of a dick move to criticize his music taste, so she refrained.

She was jerked out of her thoughts by Mat, who greeted her with a bright smile and a kiss on the forehead. “How was your day, babe?”

She shrugged. “Pretty good, nothing special. Just got out of a Contracts seminar. Nothing quite as thrilling as debating the precedent set by Supreme Court cases from the 1980s.”

Mat barked out a laugh. “I’m sure. I don’t think I’d understand a single word of what they said, but that just proves what I already knew.”

“Which is?”

“That you’re ten times smarter than I am.” Cass laughed, and he opened the door. “Now, I’m starving. I want food.”

“Good thing we came to a deli, then,” Cass said dryly.

He snickered. “Guess I walked right into that one.” The couple stopped in front of the menu. “What’s good here?”

“Besides everything?” Cass asked. “Roast beef sandwich, grilled chicken’s pretty good too. And obviously the pastrami.”

Mat shifted from one food to another. “I’ve never actually had one,” he admitted.

Cass turned to look at him slowly, eyes wide. “You’ve never had a pastrami on rye?” He shook his head. “You’ve lived in New York for, what, almost four years now? And you’ve never had a pastrami sandwich?”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Mat mumbled.

“Oh, it is,” Cass said, as they reached the counter. “I take my sandwiches very seriously, Mathew, and you’re about to find out why.” She waved to the man behind the counter. “Carlos!” Jabbering in rapid-fire Spanish as he assembled the sandwiches, she pulled out her wallet to pay before Mat even got the chance. “Él es mi novio,” she said, answering Carlos’ unspoken question and tapping her card on the reader. “Gracias, te veré pronto!” She grabbed the bag of sandwiches, Mat following her out the door as they walked down the block, peeling off to a side road with a small park. Cass shifted her backpack off, setting it on the ground beneath a small table that had become one of her go-to lunch spots since she, Les, and Fiona stumbled across it in their first year.

“So it seems like you’ve known Carlos for awhile?” Mat asked, unwrapping the sandwich.

Cass nodded, biting into hers and letting out an almost-euphoric moan.

Mat raised an eyebrow. “You usually save that for the bedroom.”

Almost choking, she swallowed the bite, leaning over the table and lightly slapping his arm. “Mat! But yeah, he started working at the deli sometime in spring of my first year. He moved from Puerto Rico, so that’s why we were speaking Spanish.”

“What was that you called me back there, anyways? Nuevo?”

Cass snorted into her coffee. “Nuevo means new. I called you my novio. It’s the word for serious boyfriend. Or fiancé, really. The language doesn’t make much of a distinction.” Cass sipped slowly, deciding to hazard a question. “How has your recovery been going?”

Mat perked up. Anything relating to hockey and he was all ears. “It’s going well, yeah. I was cleared to start working out the other day, they did some scans and said that everything looks like how it should, which is a relief. I’ve been a little dizzy but nothing serious,” he quickly added, seeing Cass’ nervous glance, “and I go back in two days to see if I can get back to training with the team. A day or two of that and fingers crossed, I’d be ready to play a game if we’re still in it.” The team was down 2-1 to the Capitals, and Mat had been tearing his hair out the entire week, frustrated beyond belief that he couldn’t do anything to help. He was a hockey player, a damn good one at that, and there was nothing he could do but sit in front of his TV and watch his team fall behind in the series. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be out there, scoring and making hits and making a difference, not cooped up like some toddler with a list of things he couldn’t do and couldn’t touch.

Cass could see that he was starting to retreat a little bit, so she reached out, squeezing his hand. “Hey, chou, listen to me.” He looked up. “I know it’s frustrating for you. Believe me, I know how much you want to be out there and how useless you might feel right now, but that’s all bullshit, you hear me?” Her eyes softened. “The best thing you can do for the boys right now is work out when you can, listen to your doctors, and focus on getting better. The city wants their golden boy back, and as cute as your pout is,” Mat’s lips twitched, “it doesn’t do anyone any good, least of all you.”

Cass was nearly done with her sandwich when Mat spoke again. “Graduation’s coming up fast, huh? What is it, a month from now?”

She nodded, picking up a napkin and dabbing at the mustard by the corner of her mouth. “Yeah, it’s the 22, so a little under a month now.”

“Is your whole family coming down?”

“Yeah,” Cass said, bounding her head. “Everyone’s able to make it, which is awesome, and so much more than I expected. Eliana gets out of school the week earlier, so it’s not a problem for her, and it’s on a Saturday so it’s a non-issue for Noah and my parents. My nana’s driving down with my family, and my mom’s parents are flying from Hermosillo.”

Mat gave her a confused look. “I thought they lived in Texas?”

“They started splitting time after they retired, they were the only ones who immigrated so all of their relatives were still down in Mexico,” Cass explained.

“Got it.”

She continued. “Yeah, so I’m really lucky that everyone’s able to make it, it’s been forever since the whole family was together. Which reminds me,” she said, pulling out her phone and sending a quick text, “I need to get their flight info. I promised to pick them up from JFK.”

“Why don’t I come with you?” Mat asked quickly.

Cass was confused. “What if you’re still playing?”

He waved his hand. “Obviously not then. But if we’re not, I’d love to come. I could drive around so you wouldn’t have to pay for parking, and it would be nice to meet them before your graduation.” The unspoken addendum was if I’m able to make it. Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals was scheduled on the day of Cass’ graduation; Mat knew that realistically, the chances of making it that far were slim, but the thought of not being able to celebrate with her, celebrate her, caused a pang in his heart.

Her smile could have lit up the sun. “I’d love that, I really would. And you’re going to love my grandparents. I’ve told them so much about you and they’re excited to finally meet you in person.”

Mat beamed. “I’m glad. Hey,” he added, treading lightly. “Have you heard back from any of the places you’ve applied yet?” He knew of at least a half-dozen firms and nonprofits she’d interviewed with, but if any of them had resulted in an offer yet, she hadn’t told him.

Cass looked down at her hands. This was the conversation she had been dreading ever since last week. “Cass?” Mat asked again, more hesitantly this time. He could tell something was up. “Uh, yeah.” She said, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. “Yeah, I have. You remember that tech company I interviewed with the other week?

“Yeah, the ones that do computers and stuff?” Mat asked, confused. If she got the job, then why did she seem so nervous?

She nodded. “Yeah. They got back to me a few days ago...and they offered a position.”

Mat stood up, ready to walk around the table and wrap her in a massive bear hug. “Cass!” He exclaimed. “That’s awesome! You said it sounded like really interesting stuff, and the company’s in New York so you wouldn’t even have to move—”

“That’s the thing,” Cass said, cutting him off. “They’re headquartered in New York, and I thought I was applying for a position in New York, but it turns out everything was ‘space available,’ whatever that means.” She finally looked up at Mat. “The job’s in Hong Kong.”

He feels like he’s had the wind knocked out of him, and sat back down in his seat hard. So hard, in fact, that he almost knocked it over, but he barely noticed. Hong Kong? That’s a whole country and the world’s largest ocean away, and the thought of losing her to a whole different country wasn’t something he ever could have anticipated. He’s finally gotten something so good, someone so good, and the thought that it could all be taken away in the blink of an eye was a possibility he hadn’t even allowed himself to consider.

Mat swallows. “Are you...Are you going to take it?” He asks thickly. She looks down at the coffee cup in her hands, the same speckled white-and-blue one Mat gave her back in the fall. God, October seems like a lifetime away from where they are now. “I don’t know,” she admitted, and he felt a weight lifted off of his chest. “I don’t even know if I want it, and I didn’t want…,” she tapped her fingers on the scratched stone table, “I didn’t want to decide anything without talking it over with you first.”

His head felt like lead when he tried to nod. “Okay, yeah. That makes sense. So, let’s talk.”

“It’s not something I ever saw myself doing,” Cass said.

“The moving to a foreign country part or the job itself?” Mat asked.

Cass scrunched her nose. “Both, I guess. Sure, I applied to places all across the country, but that was more for job security than anything. I needed cash flow to start paying off my loans, and as much as I love nonprofit and pro-bono work, it doesn’t really pay well. That’s sort of the whole point.

Mat reached behind himself to throw the sandwich wrapper into the trash can. “Do you like what they’d be having you do?”

“It’s contracts and negotiations, so it’s interesting enough. I like the topic and I know I’m good at it. But it’s not what I originally imagined for myself,” she conceded.

“What did you think you’d be doing?”

Cass let out a strained breath. “When I first got to law school, I was convinced I’d do immigration law. I’m passionate about it, feel like I’ve got a stake in the matter, and Spanish fluency is a really good skill to have in the field. And I loved getting to work in the clinic on deportation appeals. The day I got a stay for my first client was one of the happiest days of my life,” she added. Mat couldn’t help but smile. Even with mountains of uncertainty threatening to topple over on them, Cass had such a good heart and he’d always be proud of that. “But I’ve loved what I’ve gotten to do with Chris in the office. If I’m being honest, I didn’t think that I’d like it.”

Mat’s curiosity was piqued. “How come?”

“I think part of it had to do with how rushed and nervous I felt about the whole thing. It was pretty much my last chance and I really just threw my application together without thinking. I didn’t have time to worry if I’d actually like what I was going to be doing. It might just be my Rangers bias coming through, but I think I thought it would just be Scandal-type dealing with dumb shit players did, getting them off the hook for drunken escapades or finding contractual loopholes to save the team money on the salary cap.” She shrugged. “I’m glad I was wrong.”

“So,” Mat said said slowly, “if this isn’t the kind of work you wantedto do, why are you thinking about taking the job?”

“Couple of things,” Cass said. “The company culture is really good, by all accounts they hanuinely care about their environmental impact and worker’s rights, they make sure everyone on the supply chain is given a living wage. Good upward mobility, and there’s a half-dozen offices around the world that you can apply to transfer to after five years. Benefits and salary are are some of the best I’ve seen for new hires.”

“But would you be happy?” Mat asked, so softly that she almost missed it.

Would I? Cass thought. It was never the plan for her to move so far away; she’s never lived further than a few hours from home and as much as she hated to admit it, the prospect of not being in the same time zone as her family terrified her. What if her abuelo has another stroke, and she’s halfway across the world? What if she’s not able to hold her brother when he goes through his first heartbreak? What if she isn’t there to kiss Mat when he hoists the Stanley Cup for the first time? But what if she hates herself because she never took the chance? She finally looks back up, feeling like Mat’s hazel eyes are boring straight into her soul. “I don’t know.”

#hockey imagine #hockey smut #nhl imagine #nhl smut #mat barzal #hockey #hockey imagines #hockey writing #nhl #nhl writing #nhl imagines #nhl fluff #hockey fluff #mathew barzal #mat barzal imagine #mat barzal imagines #New York Islanders #new york islanders writing

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iamtheblondestblonde · 5 years ago

Text

Slides and Serendipity

Part Four (4.3k)

Part One Part Two Part Three

AN: Can we just appreciate how good he looks while literally just standing there doing absolutely nothing? It’s not fair. With that said, enjoy!

Warnings: Only language for now

I told him how I’d moved to the US when I was 18, right after finishing school. I’d always had a love for programming and when I was about 15 I had my first app up and running, but it hadn’t really been successful. At 17 some of my guy friends made me think of an idea that I wouldn’t be able to forget in the following years.

I was convinced that it could be my breakthrough but it would take up every minute that I could spare for the next few years because building the interface of an app with this magnitude usually took entire teams of people but I was doing all of the work by myself. By the time Tyler and I made it through the entrance I was telling him how during my freshman year of college I’d barely slept, writing code and improving like crazy.

“At one point I was so sick of it, I just wanted to do something else, anything else really, so I made this little game. It took me two days, although I probably could have done it in like four hours if I hadn’t gone out that night. The graphics were terrible and I thought it was stupid, a silly little distraction, but the friends that I’d shown it to loved it so I published it as a joke. No one could have predicted what would come and to this day I still don’t know what exactly happened”, I told him as we slowly made our way around the aquarium.

“So your little game became famous?” he asked curiously and I laughed dryly before giving him the last piece of information that he’d need to connect the dots, a look of shock now on his face.

“You made Flappy Bird?!”, he exclaimed so loudly that the actual birds around us quickly flew away. I put my hand over his mouth to try and avoid any further attention, even though most people had already turned around to watch us curiously.

“Yes I did but please be quiet. People weren’t exactly my biggest fans after I took it down”, I said and took his hand in mine to try to pull him along with me but he wouldn’t budge.

“Wow, like holy fuck I’m honored to be in your presence. I played that game all day long”

He smiled at me then and I was relieved that he’d calmed down again. With our fingers still laced together we watched some fish in silence before he spoke up again.

“Tell me about your life back then”

“I feel like people have kind of forgotten about me now but it was absolute madness then. I was 19 and racking in around 50 grand a day, which is something that no teenager should ever do. I did a lot of stupid shit as you can imagine but also became my own investor, so at least something good came out of it”, I told him, not really daring to look him in the eye. Only a handful of people still knew about Flappy Bird and while I didn’t regret telling him, I’d had to face all kinds of reactions before.

“Yeah I know a thing or two about being left unsupervised and making too much money as a teenager”, he said bitterly and I remembered some of the stuff that Mara had told me about him and his time in Boston. I go the feeling that he probably understood me better than anyone else.

We kind of dropped the topic for a while after that, instead just talking about his workouts and the upcoming weeks. I had noticed a group of teenagers recognizing Tyler a while ago but so far they hadn’t come up to us, leaving us to continue our conversation in peace.

A while later I heard him curse and turned around to see them taking pictures of us, making me swear as well. He tried to apologize but I wouldn’t let him as I’d kind of expected something like this to happen again and it wasn’t really his fault either.

I let go of his hand to avoid stupid rumors but didn’t step back from him. We continued walking, hands still brushing once in a while but neither of us reached out again. I asked Tyler to take pictures of me for my Instagram and he acted like a professional photographer, crouching down to get the best angles and everything. I wanted to get a picture with both of us in it but didn’t dare to ask anyone else. He posted some pictures as well but I made sure to stay out of the frame.

“I just remembered your other idea. Did it have the success you expected it to have?”, he asked me a while later, surprising me with the sudden change of topic as we’d just had a discussion on whether a sloth was a good spirit animal or not.

“Yes it did, actually more than I’d hoped and my sources also told me that you’re an avid user yourself”

“I swear if you tell me that you’re behind Instagram I am absolutely losing my shit”, he said, probably only partly joking and I had to laugh.

“Nah I wish but not quite. I guess you could call me your wingwoman though because I’ve heard that you met quite a few of your hookups through my baby Bumble”, I revealed, again laughing at his reaction. He looked at me as if to try and figure out if I was kidding before coming to the realization that I wasn’t.

I didn’t make a secret out of the fact that I founded Bumble, having given interviews and everything and it was probably the biggest reason why the media paid me any mind. If he’d googled me, he would’ve found lots of articles and pictures but I guess a guy like him refrained from googling anyone, including himself.

“I’ve been wanting to ask though, why Bumble and not Tinder? I know for a fact that the amount of people looking for hookups is higher on Tinder”, I said and watched him curiously.

“I was actually on Tinder for a little while but I didn’t like having to make the first move. I didn’t want to put myself out there with like pick up lines in case people would upload screenshots, but whenever I just wrote ‘Hey what’s up?’ people were giving me shit about the Tyler Seguin being basic so I deleted it. Bumble is nice because I only have to respond and I can just ignore the crazy bunnies until their profiles are gone”, he explained and I smiled, feedback always much appreciated.

“Well the Tyler Seguin using one of the most basic lines is pretty disappointing, I’d be mad as well”, I teased and he laughed, his eyes crinkling.

“With you I put in more effort, I mean I even made my dog steal your shoe and everything, kinda like a reverse Cinderella”, he came right back and we both burst out laughing again. Spending time with him was probably one of the easiest things I’d ever done. There weren’t any awkward pauses or moments and besides the fact that I was trying my best not to fall for his charms, I could easily count us hanging out among my favorite things to do nowadays.

Once we’d seen everything at the aquarium and barely avoided getting shit on by a bird we decided that it was time to head out.

“So I know that you said that you avoid Italian restaurants but there’s this German place in town and I feel like you’re best qualified to judge it. You have to tell me what to order though”, he said as we were walking back to my car. I wasn’t even that hungry but he looked so excited that I agreed to go anyways.

The restaurant was cute, actually reminding me of places I’d been to in Germany and when the waitress came to take our order I was surprised by her being German as well. I didn’t want to be rude towards Tyler so I kept our chat short but it always felt good to speak my native language again. She told me that the restaurant was owned by a couple from Germany and I vowed to myself to come back if I was ever in the need for some quality comfort food.

“I always remembered German to be quite harsh but it actually sounds kind of beautiful when you speak it”, he said afterwards as we waited for our meals.

“Well yea, you probably only heard people yelling at each other on the ice in Switzerland and the language there also sounds quite different from the one I grew up with. Angry German is definitely harsh but I don’t think you’ll ever hear that from me”, I assured him and he started pestering me about teaching him some slang.

The food tasted more authentic than anything I’d had in the States so far and it caused a feeling of longing to bubble up in my chest. For the most part I was glad that I’d left when I did but from time to time I still missed my old home, even if the US now felt more like my home than anything else.

“Do you miss Toronto?”, I asked Tyler, knowing that he probably felt the same.

“Yeah definitely, not as much right now because I just got back from Canada but whenever I feel down I wish my family could be with me to support me. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my life here in Dallas but I guess whenever things get bad it’s easiest to want to go back to your roots, you know?”, he asked and I nodded, even if I couldn’t relate that much. I didn’t have such a strong support system as the one he obviously had but I could still understand him wanting to be surrounded by familiar things in those moments.

We talked about our lives outside of Dallas and his love for fishing and the peaceful look he got on his face when talking about his cabin that he had up north was completely different from what you’d expect because of the way the media portrayed him. Of course he mentioned parties as well and while some stories were crazy, I’d been to wilder parties and no one would ever give me shit about it because no one cared.

“I think it’s because it plays into the stereotype of the party-loving hockey player, like people actively wait for you to act out so they can say that they were right”, I said as were downing the last of our drinks. He was in the spotlight and people wanted him to behave responsibly, which I understood, but he was still a real person with real feelings and I could also see why he wanted to escape those expectations from time to time.

Tyler wanted to pay our bill of course and while I thought that it was a sweet gesture, I insisted on him letting me cover the tip at least. I wrote a little note in German on the receipt and then we left. We’d spent so much time inside that the sun was already painting the sky in reds and oranges, dipping everything around us in a beautiful light.

“I think I’ll really like it here”, I said to Tyler while I looked up into the sunset.

“I’m trying to help you with that”, he responded and I tried to talk myself out of feeling my heart flutter at the soft smile he was currently giving me.

This time his song choices were more laid back and I felt myself relaxing as much as I could without causing a traffic accident. He asked me to park the car at my house so we could walk over to his place and I happily obliged, wanting to savor these last few moments together.

There was still a little bit of the sunset sky left by the time we made it back and I basked in its light as we slowly approached his gate. I was still humming one of the songs he’d played earlier when we made our way through his front door, four dogs coming at us with full speed. Soon enough we were both buried under masses of fur and wet noses, their excitement only slowly dying down.

“Thank you for today, I had a really great time”, I said to Tyler once we were both able to untangle ourselves and stand up again.

“So did I. I’ll see you tomorrow after practice, right?”, he confirmed and I nodded before leashing Yogi and thanking Tyler’s friend for watching him on my way out.

Back home I decided to be productive, so I pulled out my laptop and began researching people I’d want in my team when I got a facetime call not long after.

“Dude how was your date?”, Lisa immediately asked me as soon as her face filled my screen.

“It wasn’t a date and you know it”, I responded, rolling my eyes at her suggestive smirk.

“I don’t know, a guy going to the aquarium with you and then taking you out to dinner sounds pretty date-like if you ask me”

“Well I’m glad no one is asking you then”, I said before giving in and telling her about the day, not date, I’d had with Tyler.

“He sounds really fun, I’m surprised with everything that Mara keeps saying in our groupchat. Anyways, what were you up to before I called?”, she wanted to know and I told her about my mission to find people that I could see myself working with, which was honestly harder than I’d expected. Lisa and I had worked at an app development company in Denver together so she knew how eccentric a lot of people in our line of work could be.

“I think I can actually help you out with that one. Do you remember Mia from back in Massachusetts, the girl with the pretty handwriting that we met at the foam party back when we were Freshmen? She was in my recommendations on Insta a while ago and she told me that she moved back home to Dallas not too long ago. Even if she has a job already you’d probably be able to poach her if you wanted to and she might know some people as well.”

I remembered Mia of course, because we used to hang out a lot during our time in college. Afterwards we’d kind of lost touch, as it happened with a lot of people but if she was back in the area I’d definitely hit her up again, remembering her to make great designs. I asked Lisa for Mia’s info and then she told me the latest office gossip about my former coworkers. Leaving the company had been a risky move but because I’d always done a lot of freelancing and was sick of only following orders, I was confident that I could pull this off by myself. I’d already had requests lined up for when I’d start working again.

My fingers were itching for something to do and I was starting to seriously consider moving up the deadline to get at least some work done. I wasn’t really good at sitting around, so I decided to text Mia to see if she wanted to casually meet up this week, while also hinting that I might be interested in having her work with me before going to bed.

Katie picked me up the next morning and we caught each other up on the last few days while driving to where we’d meet the other girls for an early lunch. I had only spoken to Dominika and Alandra for a little while at the party but we’d hit it right off. They were funny and nice to me and greeted me with warm hugs as soon as we spotted them sitting on a table in the corner of the restaurant.

“You look amazing, I love your jacket”, Alandra said and I tried my best not to blush while returning the compliment. They all looked stunning in fact and I didn’t understand how people could hate so much on these genuine and great girls. We ordered something to drink and some light lunch and then Katie and Dominika started telling me how excited they were for the season to start up again.

“You’ll have to come to the games with us. I’m sure Tyler will ask you as well but even if he doesn’t, because he can be a little dense sometimes, you still have to come”, Katie said and I laughed at her insulting her boyfriend’s best friend. I’d been to quite a few hockey games in Denver and I’d always loved the atmosphere there so that was an easy yes.

“Anything exciting happen between you and Tyler since that super hot almost make out sesh in the pool on Saturday?”, Dominika asked and I hid my face in my hands.

“You guys saw that?”, I groaned, a slight blush now definitely creeping up my face.

“Girl I think everyone saw that and the way he was looking at you all afternoon... like damn”, Alandra threw in and started fanning her face with her hands.

Surely it hadn’t been that bad, now had it?

They continued telling me how I’d raised quite a few questions within the team, people wondering who ‘that hot blonde’ was that had managed to have Tyler wrapped around her finger.

“I swear nothing interesting happened since, the most exciting was perhaps a kiss on the cheek that night”, I said but I could tell that they weren’t fully convinced. I didn’t dare telling them about the hand holding, cuddling and all those other sweet moments out of fear of making a fool of myself. I knew damn well that he might only be that way to charm my pants off and I certainly didn’t need anyone else reminding me of that fact.

Soon enough it was time to head over to the practice rink and I got back in the car with Katie again. She was telling me about how Jamie first introduced her to everyone and how nervous she felt among all of those big guys and their better halves. I could totally relate to the feeling now, even if I’d already met some of them and wasn’t his girlfriend either, but being confronted with so many new faces at once still managed to freak me out.

Katie pulled into the parking lot right before the boys were coming through the exit. She greeted Jamie with a kiss while I tried not to drool over Tyler’s post-shower look. The guy wasn’t exactly taking it easy on me lately. I went over to hug him, secretly enjoying his smell before turning around to everyone hanging around in a loose circle.

“This is Liv by the way, for anyone who hasn’t met her yet”, Tyler introduced me and I tried my best to keep a neutral but friendly expression on my face.

“He’s told us how smart you are, so good luck on being the only one with any brain cells left between the both of you”, one of the guys chirped and I had to laugh out loud.

“Let’s not embarrass me any further please”, Tyler said before throwing his arm around my shoulder and slowly leading me towards his car, not without dirty looks towards his teammates of course. I could only wave at the girls with a shrug before we reached his G wagon and he opened the door for me, even holding out his hand to help me inside.

I told him about all of the stuff I’d need and while I’d need some stuff to be delivered, I was still convinced that we could get most of the stuff home today.

Tyler put on a snapback as soon as we reached the parking lot, unfortunately covering his beautiful curls but at least he refrained from wearing sunglasses inside. We grabbed a cart and made our way around the place, contemplating on shelves, desks and the best chairs before considering decorations. Tyler helped me with his input sometimes, but mostly he just let me do my thing and stuck to following my orders on what to add to the cart.

We couldn’t take the conference table I’d chosen with us of course, but everything else fit into his spacious car after getting the backseats out of the way. I was glad to have him assisting me today, as I would’ve never been able to fit everything in the Audi, let alone play Tetris the way he did.

I connected my phone to the speakers and had my hands full with multiple items when the display showed an incoming call from Mara. I looked at Tyler to see if he had anything against me taking it and after he shook his head no I accepted.

“Hey girl, just a heads up, you’re on speaker in the car and Tyler is with me”, I warned her before she could say anything stupid, like mention any of the things we’d talked about the last couple of days.

“Hi Tyler”, she said and I knew her well enough that she was probably trying her best not to squeal, successfully taming her inner fangirl.

“Hi Mara, I’ve heard a lot about you”, Tyler greeted her and gave me a playful wink.

“I guess it’s good that you’re both there”, she started and I immediately started to worry as this couldn’t mean anything good but my train of thought was interrupted by her continuing with: “I’ve got some news for the both of you. I’ve kept a close eye on the hockey blogs lately because of everything that has been going on and I’m so sorry Liv, but you’ve been spotted and identified.

“I guess you haven’t really been on your phone today but there’s pictures circling of you two on the hike, a video from the party with you two in the background, which really started this entire witch hunt and more sets of pictures just recently from the aquarium and you shopping for furniture together, I’m really sorry. Liv, you’ve also gained lots and lots of new followers on Insta and I guess your DMs must be blowing up as well”, she finished and if my hands were free, I’d bury my head in them right now.

I’d expected something like this to happen, but not a week after I met him already. I had a public account with quite an impressive following base as well because of my business and Mara went on to explain how the fans had pointed out the similarities in our recent posts and stories, concocting all kinds of crazy stories.

I couldn’t watch it at the moment, but the video from us at the party was apparently the worst. In all of the other pictures you could see us standing close to each other, occasionally touching, but according to Mara the video showed two girls lounging at the party with us in the background, Tyler’s arms clearly wrapped around me right after we fell into the pool.

Mara could sense that I wasn’t in the mood to discuss this any further because she hung up pretty soon after dropping that bomb on us. Needless to say that the rest of the ride was quiet, a loaded silence between us for the first time since we’d met. I could tell that Tyler was trying to figure out what to say to me but I doubted that anything he could come up with could lift my mood right now.

He helped me unload the stuff from his car in silence, both of us lost in our thoughts, only speaking up to greet Yogi. We carried the stuff into the office and except for me pointing out where to place the boxes for now, no other words were spoken after that for a while.

“I’m so sorry that you got dragged into this Liv, it’s not fair that the only thing people can say about you right now is about you supposedly dating a hockey player, you deserve better”, he finally said as he was about to leave and while his apology was sweet, it was almost immediately lost in the whirlwind of thoughts rushing through my mind at this point.

I felt exposed and watched, like the victim of an obsessive stalker. I’d been reduced to nothing but a fling in Tyler’s long list of conquests in a matter of hours and probably already had his fangirls threatening me. There was no point in trying to diffuse the rumors either, not that I’d demand that from him, because people always believed what they wanted.

I didn’t mind being recognized for the hard work I’d done all my life, but this was different. This wasn’t about my knowledge in programming or any of my ideas, people were now solely interested in me because of who I was supposedly with.

It was a weird feeling, being objectified like a butterfly in a glass case with no other purpose except to be studied closely and picked apart.

“It’s not your fault Tyler, it just comes with your lifestyle I guess”, I shrugged halfheartedly and he wrapped his arms around me. His hug gave me at least some feeling of comfort, although I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it the way I would under different circumstances.

“I can tell that you need some space right now but if you need to talk to someone I’m always just a few minutes away and I’ll tell the girls to look out for you as well”, he said softly and with a kiss to my forehead he was gone, leaving me alone in the cacophony of thoughts screaming against each other inside my head.

#Slides and Serendipity #nhl imagine #nhl hockey #nhl players #nhl #hot hockey players #hockey writing #ice hockey #fanfiction #fanfic #dallas stars #dallas #tyler seguin #tyler seguin imagine

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preathfics · 4 years ago

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Heath17_KO5 AMA responses

Thanks to Heath17_KO5 for answering these for folks.

You can reach her on the preathfics discord if you have follow up questions!

hardtchill said: mom will love us forever?

Yes, yes. *pat pat*

What inspired KO/Sonnett? I mean, we've seen Soran around, but not very many good Fics of that pairing.

That you can blame on blak0tyler. She started writing them, and I was like “I don’t really ship it because I think they’re too similar, but I love your writing, so I’ll read” and then by the end of the fic I was like “Damn, I kinda see it now.” I think for me it’s partially just that I really enjoy writing both characters (or did anyway). It’s fun to write characters that on the surface can be snide or sarcastic or goofy, but then underneath can have more layers and provide other things to a fic.

ARE YOU THE ANON SUMMER SHORTS???? 👀

Nope! Not me!

Will you write more angsty stuff? Bc you write wonderfully... but it's just all so damn happy!

Hi there musingpredeliction. I think it’s hard for me to have angsty ideas for Preath, and I’m likely to still have happy endings. I was just talking to someone last night about how real life can be hard and can suck so when I turn to fiction, I want it to at least be hopeful, to do things like make me believe in true love (though I am one of the lucky ones that has found that in real life), make me believe in happy endings and beautiful lives, make me believe in magic. If you’d like more angst, I suggest reading more of my Soran or So’hara

Favorite WOSO person IRL? Favorite one to write?

IRL? Idk. It’s hard to judge when I don’t actually know any in real life. Rose holds a special place in my heart. Tobin’s footwork is magic and her laid back, goofy personality makes me swoon. Christen is the epitome of beauty to me both physically and just who she is (or at least who she shows us publicly). I honestly love so many of them. Sonny, KO (yes, still, though I am disappointed and hope she learns and grows), Julie, CRYSTAL!! Moving on from the USWNT, I’m a big fan of Emily Menges (one of the league’s most underrated defenders), Simone Charley, Midge Purce, Jennifer Cujoe, Sarah Gorden, Yuki Nagasato, Casey Short, Ali Riley, the list goes on. Lol. And on a more international player level: Tiane Endler, Mapi Leon, Jenni Hermoso, Sam Kerr, Hayley Raso, (actually a bunch of the Aussies), Vivianne Miedema, and so many more.

Favorite one to write is a bit easier: Emily Sonnett.

is with fandom culture that she is having a problem or the preath fandom specifically? also, i really love her writing, for both preath and soran so i hope that, if she retires, she doesn't delete her work, please! and man, the kelley situation, it's been really hard for us readers and for the writers…

Here’s the thing: part of what I have a problem with about Kelley is the fandom’s response to her. I’m disappointed by her not kneeling. I think she really needs to have more hard conversations and examine why she stood apart from game one and hopefully learn and grow. I’m disappointed in the culture of cancelling someone because they don’t learn and grow on the timeline you see fit, though. That now people will write off entire stories because a CHARACTER version of Kelley (that the authors have created themselves, let’s not forget), is part of it even if those stories were begun before the tournament happened. That her kneeling or not discounts her skill on the field or her actions off the field that we’re unaware of. Again, we only see a part of them, what they publicly show us, and I am very disappointed that she didn’t show us her kneeling for the anthem beyond game one, but I’m also aware that she may be taking steps I have no idea about. I’m not trying to start a discourse, though I’m sure this will, but that’s part of my issue. And then there’s the trickiness that comes of being part of an RPS/RPF fandom, where there’s the distinction between fiction and reality, between what we’d like to be true and what we 100% know. I don’t mean to cast aspersions. I’m not here to judge you anymore than I’m here to judge them.

What brought you to Preathfics, or rather just the WOSO fanfic community in general?

I have always been a soccer fan. I played through high school. But fanfic you can thank lesbianrobinhood for. I was not looking for a new fandom, but she dragged me kicking and screaming anyway. It’s usually the way.

What pairing do you most enjoy writing for? Why?

Hmmm...That depends on what I’m in the mood for. I like writing Soran or So’Hara if I’m feeling angsty or Preath if I’m not, but really it’s more about the individual story than the pairing: which idea captures my attention most in a moment. That said, as I said in another answer: I love writing Sonny, so if I get to write her, even if she’s just the supporting friend to Preath, I am a happy person.

Do you have a favorite fic? Can you make a list like Preathfics did of your faves?

Oooh, ummm...I mean anything by Blake0tyler for sure. I could (and have) read her stuff over and over and over. I love, love, LOVE Here I Am (Signed, Sealed, Delivered), by freshtilapia. I really enjoy The Restaurant by little_oblivion for a great ensemble piece. The One Where Everyone Finds Out is another great one (and all of LittleDanvers’s stuff really). I love the imagery in Portrait of a Soccer Player on Fire by restlessvirtue. Entwined by superdupergust is very good (and hot). And for non-preath one of my faves is unbecomings (but their stuff is locked).

Do you have a favorite fic that you've written before?

Like of my own? Umm...The Time Between or Orlando is Only Home When It Has You, although so far I really like something that is as yet unpublished, and I’m enjoying the way folklore is turning out with JustCrushALot.

what's your favorite color?

Green!

Can you ask her why did she suddenly decide to update orgasm fic?

….Should I not? I have a hard time writing smut. I have to be in the right mindset and I haven’t been there in a while, but then I was, so I was like “Let me try” and it worked out.

are you planning on writing anymore explicit preath fics/oneshots?! The one up rn are soooo good!!

Umm...that depends. If I get the inspiration, then yes, certainly, I wouldn’t rule it out. Also I have a bet right now with blake0tyler about something which should result in smut from one of us at least.

To the amazing author of Worth a Thousand words: the story is beautifully written, it's funny, sweet and different from other fics. I totally get the KO thing and I do agree with you on that one but know that it's a fantastic story. (Everything you write is)❤️

❤️ Thank you! That is incredibly sweet! I really appreciate you saying so. ❤️

My opinion isn’t worth much as an anon but I loved Worth a Thousand Words and whoever gave it bad feedback can go suck an egg.

Haha, thank you. I’m glad that you enjoy it!

Heath17_KO5's feelings are so darn relatable, I'm crying just from reading the words fear, disillusionment and disappointment. Creative people are often highly sensitive people and when they feel things, they FEEL things. Wishing you strenghth, clarity and insight, Heath17_KO5. I hope you keep finding joy in the written word, as we do in YOUR written word.

❤️ That is very lovely of you to say. Thank you. Please don’t shed any tears on my account though!

heath17_ko5 is having problems with fandom in general or with the woso/preath fandom? that's a shame, but she should do what is best for her :)

Thank you, I appreciate that. I mean, I think in all fandoms there is a toxic element, but as this is the only fandom I’m currently active in, it’s this one. And it’s not all of you, please don’t think that. I sort of explained in another ask.

I just love Heath17_KO5's stories and everything they contribute. Is there any chance the author will pursue Beacon of Light? No pressure or anything. I just thought it had such a sweet premise. And I am a sucker for a good storm story :D

I am working on chapter 2, it’s just slow going.

#asks

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cassandracaiin · 5 years ago

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Gary’s Mental Health: An Analysis of His Character.

Spoilers ahead.

If you play Love Island The Game 2019 and make it to Day 26, you stumble upon a concerned Gary, who is sitting by himself. After a brief chat, he proceeds to tell your MC that he’s had some problems with how he felt about his body in the past. He often comes across a simple guy, who is always bantering and fooling around, and most players tend to think that he only talks about his nan and cranes, so the sudden seriousness of this conversation may have seemed odd for some of you. Despite this, the unexpected confession he makes didn’t go unnoticed by the fandom, with many starting to appreciate him more because of it.

Few realize how important and revealing this conversation is. If you connect the right dots across the whole game, it helps to explain lots of his actions, beliefs and behavior. So, in this analysis I’ll be doing that: I’ll be providing you with all the information you’ll need to understand the subject, inserting exact quotes of the game and breaking down some crucial scenes. Because of this, this post will be really long, so get comfy, grab some snacks and prepare for an extensive reading.

Before starting, I must remind you that Gary is, indeed, a fictional character. That’s why I’ll be analyzing quotes and scenes straight out of the game and trying not to speculate furthermore. I think it’s interesting to tie the traits and personality of a fictional character to real life psychology and mental health, so this will be me basically explaining his condition and relating it to his canon personality and actions. Also, in some portions of this post I’ll be applying “real world rules”, because his mental illness is a real thing that happens in the real world.

I’ll go as far as to say that, after reading this entire rant, you’ll probably never see Gary the same way again— but that’s okay, because he’s such a layered character who also used to struggle with a mental illness and, instead of mental illnesses being a taboo topic, they should be met with open arms and discussed overtly and sincerely.

Mental Illness Warning/Trigger.

As I mentioned before, Gary’s condition is a real thing, so this post contains several mentions of mental health related topics and illnesses. If you feel uncomfortable about this type of things, I advise you not to keep reading. I’ll try to keep it as light and understandable as possible, regardless. Those who want to dive deeper should check the links I’ll leave at the end of the post.

This is a heavy topic, but I strongly believe it should be addressed. Even more importantly, I want to spread awareness, because, as you will read further ahead, this is still an under-recognized and frequently left untreated condition, that is becoming more and more common all around the world.

Disclaimer: I’m not a psychiatrist, but I am a med student. I’ve had classes and training about mental health and, specifically, about Gary’s condition. I’ll be leaving some extra sources and additional content down below, for those who are interested in verifying the information that I’ll be breaking down for you. Also, I’m open to receive feedback about it from someone who could know more than me, such as a doctor or a psychiatrist, because, as I said, I’m still just a med student.

So, without further do, let’s get started.

What does Gary have?

After reading the conversation he has with MC in Day 26, Gary’s evident diagnosis is Muscle Dysmorphia. We’ll be using the acronym MD to refer to it from now on.

What is MD?

MD is a subtype of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).

What is a BDD, you may ask? It’s a condition in which people see themselves differently than others see them, and it’s characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with one's appearance, that are really difficult to resist or control. These unwanted thoughts or ideas (called “obsessions”) make them feel that they need to perform certain activities (called “compulsions”). When applied to MD, the obsession becomes the level of muscularity, and the compulsion is to achieve a higher level of muscularity.

MD comes with the exaggerated belief that one's own body is too small, too skinny or scrawny, even though the individual's build is normal or exceptionally large and muscular already. Is often confused with vanity, but this is not the case, as most MD patients don't want to look great, they just want to look acceptable. Typically, people with MD have low self-esteem. It can be experienced by either males or females, but in this post I’ll be addressing the patients as males, because I will be also relating it to unhealthy masculinity.

What causes MD? It doesn’t have a specific cause, but there are factors that could help its development. Most studies sustain that suffering from bullying for smallness or weakness is the most frequent trait in MD patients. Some also attribute this disorder to the effect of the media, as society bombards people at younger ages with images of what an “ideal” body looks like, even more considering how marketing campaigns once targeting only female body image insecurities are now aimed at males as well. Because of this, MD is likely to increase in general population.

Does it have a treatment? Yes, it does. Most are treated with therapy that targets damaging behavior, as for example, cut down on the amount of time they’re checking themselves in the mirror or in the gym, which helps them think less about their appearance. Therapists also help them deal with the fears they might have, like possibly losing muscle mass or size if they exercise less.

Many do not seek treatment; the biggest hurdle is convincing the person with MD that he needs help. The psychological and social consequences often go unrecognized, especially because they usually appear to be in good health, at least in the short term. To properly address MD, society has to change in how we approach our body image in general. Traditionally, males are not supposed to be concerned with looks, let alone talk about them, because if they do, they will be viewed as “feminine”. Encouraging men to talk about their inner feelings is a good first step to bring down stigmas about their body image.

How does MD affect someone’s life?

People with MD engage in behaviors aimed at achieving a muscular physique, as I mentioned earlier. They include excessive exercise, following rigid diets, and also spending countless amounts of money in supplements. Sometimes, they may also use anabolic-androgenic steroids (I’ll be referring to them as “AAS”), which cause serious damage to the body if used excessively.

Low self-esteem is a crucial factor here. People with MD try to enhance their self-esteem by building muscular mass, but they keep feeling that is never enough. “Every muscle could be bigger. I could be leaner” they tell themselves. They look at the mirror and they feel like everything is still small and weak, that they’re ugly, that they have no chest muscles, no arm muscles, no abs— And the reality is that they are often huge and incredibly muscular. Some of them also touch, flex, poke or pinch their muscles a lot, to make sure that they haven’t lost size.

Their relationships with other people often fall apart as time passes. They frequently avoid important social or occupational activities, like going to family reunions or to work, because of the need to maintain their excessive exercise and rigid diet.

How does one draw the line between being fitness or having MD? Believe it or not, Gary explains it in the game. He says, “I was really shocked when the doctor told me that if it’s getting in the way of the rest of your life, then it’s a problem”. Certainly, when working out and obsessing about the body becomes a problem in the person’s life, along with having these bad thoughts about themselves, it’s better to seek help and ask a health professional about it.

So, why is Day 26 so relevant?

Day 26 is important for Gary’s character because it tells us a huge lot of things about him and his past. Across his dialogue there are so many details that few people seem to truly notice, so I’ll be breaking down this day for you.

Let’s start analyzing this day from the beginning, with it being the first conversation MC has with Gary. She finds him sitting alone by the pool, rubbing his upper arm. After greeting her, he flexes his bicep and then pokes at it. If MC asks him if he is worried about his gains, he surprisingly responds “Yeah, I am a bit”. In comparison to the rest of his answers, this is the one that tells us that the reason he is bummed out is because of how he feels about his body, rather than how he actually looks.

Next, he asks “Do you think I look as good as I did when we first met?”. After seeing him acting this way, we can notice that he is looking for reassurance, but even if MC answers that he looks better every day, he responds with things like “Thanks! It’s nice to have that support, even if I don’t think it’s true” and “I never believe anyone when they say I look buff”. As you probably read in this post, this is a common trait amongst individuals with MD. Even when people around them tell them that they are big, muscular, huge and so on, they never truly believe it themselves because they just can’t see themselves in that way—the person that looks back at them in the mirror is still somewhat skinny. And here’s a huge clarification: Gary knows that people think he is buff, but he doesn’t see it himself, and that’s why he doesn’t exactly believe it.

At this point, I think Gary is starting to notice that the chat could turn to a topic that he’s not ready to talk about yet, because he seems to divert the conversation by saying that the reason he doesn’t believe he’s buff is because he simply doesn’t want to get big-headed about it, and that thinking this way keeps him motivated. But even with those modest answers, he’s still letting us know that he’s always aiming at improving his physique.

And after that, he flexes his arm again. If you payed attention, you may have noticed a pattern here, which is another common characteristic of MD patients: the one where they have the compulsion to feel and touch their muscles, as a way of making sure they’re not as skinny as they think they are.

Gary finishes the chat by commenting lightheartedly “Those weights aren’t going to lift themselves” and walking off in the direction of the gym. This bit actually makes me sad, because it leads me to think that he gave in to the compulsion of going to the gym.

After the challenge, MC meets him again and he, indeed, says “I started to do some weights, but then I had to check my head a bit”, indicating that after compulsively going to the gym, he realized that he wasn’t working out for the right reasons and what was actually driving him to exercise were the intrusive thoughts of his MD. Beyond that, this is also a sign that he can actually distinguish between his normal and healthy interest in working out and the compulsions caused by MD.

Later in the conversation, he explains that it all started when he used to see this massive and muscular superheroes in comics and noticed he didn’t look like them, because he was small, even smaller than the rest of the kids at school. He tells MC, “I’d look at those superheroes, and then back at myself. I didn’t look like them”. This is a clear reference to the media influencing the development of BBD’s and specially MD in younger boys.

It’s evident that at this point in his life he began to believe that having a muscular body would be a solution to his problems, and you can confirm that in this phrase: “It can feel like everything is telling you, things will be better if you’re stronger or more muscly”. And after his nan stepped in to take on the role of his dad, the bullying towards him increased, which just made this belief even stronger. “And whenever someone would say something to me, I’d wish I was bigger and stronger than them so they wouldn’t dare” he states, following with “So when I got older, I started working out”.

Gary goes on to say that exercising didn’t help on the long run. “At first, working out made a huge difference. I started to feel more confident. I felt like I could stick up for myself, and I got a lot more positive comments. People started to notice me in a good way, you know?” he declares. He basically tells MC that he started building his self-esteem around his physique, rather than around his inner self.

“The problem is, it never felt enough”. We see here, once again, a classic trait of people suffering from MD.

After this, comes a phrase that got me thinking: “Especially once I left school and had more time and money”. When reading this, I asked myself why having more money was relevant in things going downhill for Gary. By this point, he had already been working out and probably paying for the gym membership anyway, so I figured that this “new” money could have gone elsewhere, maybe in buying supplements to grow muscle mass faster. I can’t rule out completely the possibility that he got to the point of using AAS, but giving his personality and recovery I don’t think he went that far. Or at least I hope he didn’t.

“I kept going to the gym even when I knew I’d been going too much” he continues “It was actually my nan who noticed things were getting out of hand”. For this, us Gary fans should feel grateful. This is one of the billion reasons why he loves his nan so much. The woman rescued him from sinking deeper into his disorder, she was the only one who noticed that he wasn’t in a good place and that working out was actually tearing his life apart. She could see right through the healthy and good looking muscular man she had in front of him, as nobody else was able to see that he was still just a scrawny insecure boy on the inside. This was probably one of the lowest points in his life, if not the lowest, and his nan pulled him up and stuck with him through it all.

Afterwards, Gary states again that he struggled when it came to stop exercising. “I’d hurt my wrist cos I was lifting more than I should, but I didn’t rest or stop lifting so the problem just kept getting worse” he says “Eventually it got so bad that I had to take time off work, but I was still trying to go to the gym because I couldn’t stand missing sessions”. Even if he wanted to stop, the compulsions and unwanted thoughts took over him and he kept going to the gym.

When being asked if he couldn’t see how bad the situation was, Gary answers with “Being so strong and tough was so important to me that it felt like I couldn’t ask for help”, yet again being a reference of the way society influences young men, leading them to believe that being masculine and strong means also not talking about one’s feelings, less opening to others about one’s insecurities.

When talking about his therapy, he explains that once he started speaking about how he felt, he could see everything more clearly. He says “I’d lost sight of why I wanted to be so buff before. I couldn’t see that it wasn’t good for me”. Indeed, at first he wanted to get more muscular to enhance his self-esteem, to make himself feel better and gain confidence, but at that point it had become an actual disorder, getting in the middle of his life, getting him injured and making him stop going to work, amongst other things. Focusing on his body was actually making him feel worse because it came along with the sensation that he wasn’t making progress, even after all the time and effort he’d put into being more muscular. He also comments “By that point, I was like, ‘mate, working out is my life’”, this also being a characteristic of patients with MD, as their obsession takes over their life.

To wrap this section of this post, let’s talk shortly about his recovery. Gary says that his wrist eventually healed and that he kept going to therapy. “It took a while, but now I know when I’m doing something for the right reasons” he tells MC “It’s a constant balance though. You have to keep working on it”. After starting therapy, he understood that he can keep working out and caring about his looks without it taking over his life again or making him feel worse about his image, but that he will always have to maintain a certain equilibrium, so he doesn’t get out of control again.

“It’s okay for me to work out and be active, but I have to check in with myself. If those thoughts start coming back I know to call up my GP and get talking again”. This phrases are a total relief, as they let us know that he has learned when to seek help and, more importantly, to read the signs of his own mind telling him about his MD thoughts coming back. It’s even more relieving when he finishes with “I can still have tough moments, but I’m so much better at working through them now”.

Overall, Day 26 makes us realize that he hasn’t always been as confident as he seems, less felt good about his body image. It gives his character more depth; he’s not just a lighthearted lad that talks about cranes, makes dad jokes and loves his nan anymore. And reading between lines helps us get an even fuller picture of what he went through and the state he is in now.

How do MD and his past affect Gary’s general behavior?

After all that information, let’s start this with something simpler. I’m going to name a few stressful events for Gary during his time at the Villa: the morning after the first recoupling, Lucas and Henrik’s arrival and all the girls-pick recouplings.

Where is he after all those events? You guessed it, he’s at the gym.

I have been asked if this is him working out to relieve anxiety, but I’m not sure if it’s always the case. Of course, he mentions that for him there’s nothing like burning off some tension in the gym, so most times he could be working out to clear his mind and to feel less stressed out.

Despite this, in other situations and considering his condition, it could be also him starting to feel insecure about himself. It’s likely that when he begins feeling that way, those bad thoughts about his body image and compulsions, caused by MD, start to come back, so he can’t avoid going to the gym to make sure he doesn’t lose body mass and muscle. Because of his MD, he could have the sensation that, if he loses size, bad things will happen to him—girls won’t pick him at the recouplings, people will start to make fun of him again for being small, he’ll look less attractive in comparison to the rest of the male Islanders and so on. Having all of this in consideration, in some cases I actually think it’s him still struggling with insecurity and his MD, rather than just anxiety and stress.

There is a moment in the game that got me confused at first, but after thinking about it I was able to figure out what was really going on. It happens when MC goes to spot the boys at the gym and, during the conversation, Rahim points out “See! I told you your form was off, Gary”, which makes the corners of Gary’s lips turn upside down. “All right, settle down. I don’t usually use a gym, okay” he responds and strikes a pose, flexing “This is all natural…”. I’m sure that in this moment he was lying. From what he confessed in Day 26, we know he’s been working out since his teens (remember that he’s 23, so he has at least been doing it for five or six years), so it’s obvious that his body built is not exactly natural, more so if we consider that he used to get bullied for being too small. In this situation and with a recoupling coming soon, he probably didn’t want to get embarrassed by Rahim’s comment in front of MC, so he blurted out some excuse, basically saying that his bad form is technically product of him being unexperienced. Again, we see him being insecure.

Now, I’m not saying that him being at the gym and working out is always a bad thing. In fact, he it looks like he has fun and socializes with the rest of the boys when they’re all exercising together. He seems to have a good balance of how much time he spends there and, most importantly, knows when to stop. We notice this when he tells MC things like “There’s nothing like burning off some tension in the gym. But I need to have some other ways to deal with how I’m feeling too” and “I don’t want to end up just going to the gym whenever I’m bored or stressed out about something else”. The thing is, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we find him at the gym after stressful events, even more when you have in mind that he doesn’t want to go there with the sole purpose of relieving stress.

So, we see Gary often flexing his muscles, right? I actually think this behavior of his has two sides. As you may have read earlier in this post, people with MD have this tendency to touch their muscles a lot. I think that in situations of stress like Day 26 this could be the case for him. But the other side of it, and the most important one in my opinion, is that this adds a cheeky, playful and confident aspect to his character. It lets us know that he enjoys the attention and that he likes to show off.

Now, it’s certain that him showing off means that his recovering has been really successful so far, knowing that people with MD tend to avoid showing their body to others because they are ashamed of the way they look. The fact that he’s in a swimming suit during the entire show, being recorded for national TV and knowing millions of people are watching, is a huge signal that he feels significantly better about his body and image. He has learned to love and appreciate his body in some way, hence the question he so often asks, so cheekily “Like what you see?” and he feels proud enough to show it off. The fact that he knows he’s attractive to others makes all the difference for his self-image, even if he doesn’t necessarily believe it himself. And, trust me, that with him being a MD patient it took him a lot to get where he is now in terms of confidence and feeling comfortable in his own skin.

Moving to another topic, something that always caught my attention is that Gary is constantly worrying about others. We see this in cases like when he comforts Lottie after Hannah gets dumped from the Island or when he pulls her for a chat when he notices that she’s stressed out about the Rocco situation, when he offers Chelsea a tissue after he sees her crying over the gossip-sneezer drama, all of the moments he demonstrates being protective of MC’s feelings when they’re coupled up and even during his Mr. Love Island speech. His type also includes a girl who cares about others and doesn’t get involved in drama, to match his personality. After analyzing his past, we understand why he is always trying to reach out when another Islander feels sad and why he is one of the first ones to offer a helping hand. It’s mainly because there was a time in his life when he struggled with getting help for feeling bad about himself and wished someone had reached out to him in a similar way. He knows that people could be struggling internally without anyone noticing, just like it happened to him.

I’m sure that during his stay in the Villa, Gary tries his best not to hurt anyone. An example of this is his chat with MC after he lies about kissing Marisol. He feels bad about it and promises to apologize to her, and the players don’t get frowns for calling him out as a signal that he owns his mistake. Another example is if MC chooses to couple with him in Day 9, right after the recoupling Gary tells her that he feels bad for Lottie, because he knows that she fancies him. He says, with a sad expression “I feel bad that I’m here treading on someone’s toes, but I guess that’s what it’s about, right? I just hope everyone here finds someone that wants to be with them, long term”.

If you’ve gone this far in this post, I’m sure that by now you may have a few questions about his overall personality, so to finish this segment I’ll answer the most relevant ones:

Is Gary’s confident personality a facade? I’m one hundred percent sure it is not, especially considering that he has a cheeky sense of humor and that he likes to show off. In my opinion, he acts this way because he has learned that confidence is good. That his body is good enough to show, and that his personality, stories and awful jokes are worth sharing with others. It’s incredibly healthy for him to feel this way about himself.

Is Gary fragile? My answer to this is yes and no. Why yes? It’s mainly because we still see him acting insecure across the game and because he will always have traces of low self-esteem, giving his condition. He will be always more likely to overthink about his physical appearance and more prone to feel poorly about himself when he compares himself to more muscular men. Why no, then? Because after the end of the chat with him at Day 26, he states that now he knows when to seek help, how to maintain a balance on his exercising habits and that, overall, he has accepted his illness. He doesn’t get hijacked by bad thoughts about himself anymore and he seems to know the boundary that distinguishes a benign interest in physical appearance from the bad thoughts that come along with MD, which makes him less prone to come back to that low point he reached in the past.

Relationships.

Now I’m going to make a few comments about his main relationships while in the Villa, with them being his relationship with Lottie and his relationship with MC.

We never know for sure if he eventually tells Lottie about his past, but I have the feeling that he doesn’t, especially because in Day 26 he tells MC “I don’t always tell people why she’s (his nan) so important in my life. And now you know”, suggesting that maybe she is the only one in the Villa that has this information as of now.

Either way, the thing that bothers me about the way the Lottie-Gary ship is written is that most of the time we see them arguing and not agreeing in lots of things. In some cases, this could be considered “cute” or “entertaining”, but it isn’t when you notice Gary confesses a few times that it worries him and has him on edge, saying that he can never know how Lottie is going to react to things or wondering in what mood she’s going to be in. As a clarification, I’m not debating in whether Lottie is unstable or not, because it really doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. What matters in this case is that Gary perceives her being that way.

The constant uncertainty of his partner’s behavior could harm Gary in the long run, as we know that he is still attending to therapy sessions and going through bad days from time to time, and without someone who he can know for sure will support him and reassuring him whenever he needs, things could start to get more difficult for him to handle.

Moving to his relationship with MC, if you have done a Gary playthrough, you know that he constantly tells her that he doesn’t feel like a weirdo when he is around her and, basically, that he feels that he can be himself. If we take in consideration his history and personality, this makes a huge difference for him, as we’ve seen him get to the point of lying so he doesn’t get embarrassed in front of the girls. When being in a relationship with MC, he is finally able to let go of some of his insecurities and stops worrying about how other girls perceive him.

So, moving past that, I just wanted to quickly point out something about their relationship that seems interesting to me. In one of the gem scenes, Gary tells MC “My nan would like you. You keep me in check. She’d say I need someone like that around”. I couldn’t help but notice that he uses the same verb in the past when referring to him getting his thoughts straight by differentiating between the intrusive beliefs caused by his MD and what is actually real. This could be his way of telling MC that she keeps him grounded, that he could never feel insecure when being with her and that she, somehow, helps him to keep away the bad thoughts about himself. And of course his nan would like that—she’d love seeing his grandson with someone who he feels safe with. Because of this, I think that his relationship with MC is by far the healthiest one he could have in the Villa, and even in the playthroughs when they’re not a couple, the reason being that he opens to her about his past either way.

In conclusion.

I think it’s really interesting the way Fusebox tried to insert real life troubles and conditions into their characters. For me, this made a big difference when playing the game, because the majority of the characters feel real, specially in comparison to Season 1; whether you like a character or not, we all have to agree that every single one of them has a very defined personality and behavior, and that is a compelling aspect of the gameplay.

I also like the way they made the Love Island boys break stereotypes and dismiss toxic masculinity. In Gary’s case, we see this reflected in him being always open and sincere with his feelings, having him making subtle comments like “Sometimes we all need a little cry. Nothing wrong with that”.

Because of everything I’ve written in this post, I could say that the fandom is not wrong when they classify Gary as being soft. He is, indeed, a softie—the softest boy in the Villa, in my opinion. But he is not just that. He is also incredibly emotionally intelligent, as he learned how to overcome his mental disorder, how to communicate and accept his feelings and how to reach out to others and offer them help, amongst a billion of other things. We see him also being very mature for his age, with many pointing out that he seems older than he actually is. I can’t deny that most of his maturity probably comes from being raised by his nan and because he has gone through a lot in terms of accepting himself and growing as a person in general.

On a quick side note, I’ve noticed people with clearly poor understanding on mental health that have tried to write him as a villain and end up usually turning him into an insecure, self-centered, egotistical character, labeling it as layering, when the reality is far from that. Vilifying insecurity, low self-esteem and fear of rejection/failure is not layering. Those are common flaws and issues that cause distraught in many people on a daily basis and, in my opinion, they should be approached with proper understanding, respect and reassurance.

Anyhow, it makes me so happy seeing much more Love Island fans recognizing the true good and soft nature of Gary’s personality as time passes, and even happier that a lot more started appreciating him because of his issues. His story represents, in my opinion, a story of recovery. There are few things better than seeing someone that used to struggle with how they felt about themselves, keeping their head up, accepting their flaws as their own and doing their best to keep getting better, and that’s what he represents at the end of Day 26.

I’ll be leaving down below some of the papers I used for my additional research, as well as some simple articles and videos about MD, if some of you would like to know more about it and spread awareness.

Let’s take this character’s story as an example to follow, as it indirectly encourages people to accept themselves and to share their mental illness stories once they feel ready to do so. I think that by supporting this type of characters we’re letting the writers know that we do like to read characters like this, with true layers, defects and with backgrounds that feel just real.

Finally, as some friend of mine said, let’s jump on the Gary tour bus and spread some love, positivity and appreciation for this amazing character*:･ﾟ✧

Links, articles and videos.

[Nature article], [The Guardian Article], [TED Talk], [TED Talk Q&A], [BDD 2015 Conference], [ABC Science Video], [ABC News Video], [Paper n°1], [Paper n°2], [Paper n°3], [Paper n°4], [Paper n°5], [Paper n°6].

#thanks for reading to the end #love island the game #litg #love island gary #litg gary #gary x mc #litg2 #mc x gary #love island the game season 2 #litgs2 #litg season 2 #i hope this wasn't too long #my stuff

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ace-oreos · 4 years ago

Text

Way of the Hunter Ch. 13

A slightly longer chapter than normal because writing... is... fun?

Check out @deltaturtle26‘s corner if you’re looking for chapter 12. :) Feedback is always appreciated, so let us know what you think!

Shereshoy and aay’han.

Parallel concepts, really, but inexplicably linked all the same. Life and... mourning what life once was, I guess, while celebrating what still stands. I don’t really know how to explain it, Wrecker, but I think you would understand.

Making the best of what we had and ensuring you would be there to see the next day - that’s what shereshoy is at its core. The indescribable yearning to grab hold of life and cherish every experience. That’s what you lived for, I think. I suppose some people would argue that you can’t find a reason for existence in those fleeting moments - that it’s not enough - but you found it anyways. You, out of all of us, and only you. You saw the things the rest of us never opened our eyes to.

And that’s why you would understand aay’han, too. You know that for every joyful moment, there is a moment of pain to counter it. It’s a strange balance that we rarely take notice of, yet we rely on this balance to shape our lives at any given moment.

Most beings are lucky enough to go about their lives without ever being fully conscious of that balance. Then there are those of us who are only aware of it because the universe or some other force demanded that we pay attention. We learned that early on, but you were the only one to embrace it. You saw it as a source of strength rather than a target for blame.

A year ago, I would have given anything just to go back to the way things used to be. But now… I don’t know what I would do now.

I shouldn’t ask, but if it’s at all possible… keep looking for those moments that make life worth hanging on to. It’s too easy to lose yourself to the other side of things if you don’t have something to keep you grounded.

K’oyacyi, ner vod.

Wrecker was beginning to have second thoughts about Nar Shaddaa.

It was, as Tech argued, a suitable location for avoiding the Empire and anyone else who might take exceeding interest in their history. Wrecker knew from long experience that Tech was usually right about these things, and while he knew Tech’s intuition greatly surpassed his own - and most of the galaxy, for the matter - he couldn’t shake the feeling that staying on Nar Shaddaa for an extended period of time was asking for trouble.

He tried to comfort himself with the idea that Nar Shaddaa was similar to Coruscant - if Coruscant’s upper levels had been overtaken by Hutt clans that collectively turned a blind eye to the criminal activities that ran rampant in the underbelly of the city. Wrecker couldn’t fathom half of the illicit dealings that surely occurred on a regular basis within the capital; it seemed there was minimal enforcement of whatever laws might have existed in such a place, and the residents didn’t bother to conceal the true nature of their affairs.

It was home to the galaxy’s most ruthless criminals, but even that would be essential to survival: Wrecker was sure that any bounty hunter who would devote energy into chasing a hapless citizen who had simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time would leap at the chance to deliver three deserters to the Empire. The longer the attention remained on the bigger players and their doings, the better.

Wrecker made an effort to appear inconspicuous as he followed Crosshair and Tech towards the outskirts of the city. The whole place was an odd blend of the Hutts’ lavish, sprawling towers and decrepit structures Tech called skyslums shoved in between. The Hutt clans dominated the entire star system, and they made sure to establish their position wherever they could. The towers served as a reminder that it was ultimately the Hutts who determined wealth and prestige - and who was allowed to live.

Several times Wrecker had the distinct unsettling feeling of being followed, but whenever he glanced back, the streets were deserted except for a few battered droids. Still, he made a point to keep an eye on them. He doubted anything was what it seemed in this lawless city.

A thin, unpleasantly warm drizzle began to fall. Wrecker adjusted the collar of the jacket he’d salvaged after fleeing Dantooine. Beside him, Crosshair secured the cloak over his shoulders with a scowl. It wasn’t much by way of a disguise, but he supposed armor would have attracted the exact sort of attention they were so keen to avoid.

“We should head back to the Marauder for the night,” Tech said quietly, shooting a furtive glance towards the long shadows cast by the skyslums.

“Safer than wandering around out here,” Crosshair agreed.

Wrecker nodded his assent. The Marauder was just a kilometer or so beyond city limits, though he doubted any of Nar Shaddaa’s residents would have any qualms about commandeering a ship that was not within the city itself.

Tech had deliberately chosen that area, explaining that the ship would likely be safe from simple thieves looking for easy pickings. They would be able to defend it, too, if it came to that. The minute one of them discharged a blaster, Tech warned, they would draw the unwanted eyes of the gangs that roved the streets at night. They would only have a few minutes to escape before being set upon by enemies.

No sooner had the thought crossed Wrecker’s mind than the droids that had been following them for blocks suddenly emerged from the growing darkness. A motley collection of mismatched parts and scrap metal that gleamed in the dull light from the city, the blasters trained on Wrecker and his brothers were deadly real.

***

Hunter was jarred from the state of semi-awareness he’d sunk into after entering hyperspace by the incessant chirping of his comlink.

He fumbled for the device, cursing when his head collided painfully with a bulkhead. Eyes watering, he opened the incoming transmission. It was a data file, courtesy of a client who had been thoroughly delighted with the results of Hunter’s previous jobs. Hunter had parted on good terms with him, with the client promising to reward him for his successes.

There was a short message included with the file:

The others passed this one up, but I knew it wouldn’t be too much for you to handle. Once this is over, one of my colleagues has a proposition for you. I can’t disclose too much, but suffice to say it would be more than enough to finance an early retirement.

Intrigued, Hunter made a note to return to that at a later time, then turned his attention to the file. To his surprise, the bounty’s most recent recorded location was Kalevala. Few outsiders passed through the Mandalore system; the bounty was either on an aruetii hoping to lay low in such a desolate stretch of space, or…

Hunter knew several Mandalorian factions preferred to fight as mercenaries rather than align themselves decisively with one side or another. He had little knowledge of Mandalorian history, despite Uruk’s best efforts to educate him on such matters, but he figured nomadic warriors who chose their side based on pay likely made enemies of the ones they betrayed or double crossed.

He read further, and his stomach dropped.

Wanted for involvement with the Death Watch. Possibly responsible for premeditating the bombing that killed New Mandalorian Deputy Minister Jerec.

Hunter knew about the Death Watch, all right. Most had died in exile following their defeat during the Mandalorian Civil War, but the handful of survivors had reformed the sect in secret, then embarked on a reign of terror as they tried to seize control of the Mandalorian government. They were widely regarded as the most hated group to ever occupy Mandalorian territory.

No wonder no one else wanted this job, he thought wryly. Even the most hardened bounty hunter would think twice about taking on a Mandalorian - particularly one associated with such a ruthless organization.

Knowing perfectly well he would likely want nothing to do with this in the future, Hunter sent a transmission to the client confirming that he would take the job.

***

Wrecker knew getting tangled up in difficult situations was simply a fact of life for his squad at by now, but this - being surrounded by a gang of armed droids on a Hutt-controlled planet - was a first.

“When you said gangs, I didn’t think you meant droids,” Crosshair said under his breath.

There was just enough of an accusation in his voice that Tech shot back indignantly, “How was I supposed to know?”

“Funnily enough, I was under the impression that you had some idea of what we were getting into when - ”

“Shoot now, talk later,” Wrecker interrupted urgently as the droids pressed closer. They hadn’t opened fire yet, but he wasn’t going to wait. He was sorry to see that battered as they were, their blasters appeared perfectly functional.

“We could try negotiating,” Tech suggested half-heartedly.

“Do those blasters say negotiation to you, Tech?” Crosshair hissed.

What Tech’s answer was, Wrecker never found out. The first blaster bolt streaked past, missing Crosshair by a wide berth. The second nearly clipped Wrecker’s shoulder. Soon the air was filled with irregular flashes that briefly illuminated the narrow alley.

There was little room to maneuver. The droids were equally hindered by the tight space, but droids weren’t as easily discouraged as organic adversaries. They closed in relentlessly. Well-placed shots to vulnerable joints slowed them down, but unlike most beings, they didn’t retreat to escape further injury.

Wrecker found himself shoulder-to-shoulder with Crosshair. The close quarters meant a sniper rifle’s effectiveness would be drastically reduced, so Crosshair was wielding a DC-15 pistol. Even without his rifle, most of his shots found the droids’ optical sensors or other vital areas.

By Wrecker’s estimate, the droids were down maybe a third of their original number. He had taken only grazing hits so far; if they could get out of the alley and into a wider area, taking out the remaining droids wouldn’t be a problem.

Tech seemed to be having similar thoughts. “If we can hold them off long enough, we should be able to make it to the Marauder.” As he spoke, he neatly dodged a shot that otherwise would have hit him center mass.

Holding them off was the problem, Wrecker thought. The droids were doing a pretty good job of laying down fire relentlessly. If they needed an opening in order to escape, they would have to make it themselves. EMPs would do the trick, but he hadn’t been able to replenish his supply before they were shipped off to Dantooine.

Unless…

The bolts flying in every direction made it difficult to focus solely on one thing, but Wrecker raised his voice over the clamor and called,“Tech!”

For a terrible moment there was no response; before Wrecker had time to be properly scared that his brother was lying wounded or dead, Tech answered breathlessly, “Do you have an idea?”

“Got any EMPs?”

Tech drew level with him, frowning as he simultaneously calculated an escape plan and returned fire. “It could work, but it’ll be close.”

“Get on with it, then!” Crosshair barked.

Wrecker planted his feet and fired another burst of bolts at the droids. He heard Crosshair curse as he lost his footing on the ground, the dirt churned into mud by the rain and the furious firefight. Wrecker knew it was dangerous to expose himself to enemy fire, but he turned to help his brother anyways. A few hits wouldn’t -

Tech shouted a warning, and the alley burst into dazzling blue light.

Wrecker didn’t wait to see the results. He hauled Crosshair to his feet and shoved him ahead, towards the Marauder. Then he seized Tech by the arm and took off. He didn’t dare look back; the droids would eventually recover, but the critical seconds it took them to recalibrate were all they needed to break for the ship.

By some miracle, Wrecker ran without slipping on the perilously slick dirt. The Marauder was in view now, his brothers were racing alongside him, and suddenly they were stumbling up the short set of stairs and into the safety of the cockpit.

Tech’s hands flew over the controls. After what felt like impossibly long minutes but couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds, the Marauder was rising into the air. It gained speed, and soon Nar Shaddaa was falling away. The skyslums faded into indistinct patches of darkness on the surface, and soon Wrecker could no longer distinguish between one city and another.

He fell back in his seat, relieved. They were safe - for the time being. He looked at Tech. His brother’s face mirrored his own exhaustion. When Wrecker risked a glance at Crosshair, he saw with some amusement that Crosshair looked as indifferent as ever. Only the tight set of his jaw suggested they had been through anything unusual.

Crosshair idly examined the toothpick between his fingers, then said, “Droids. Wouldn’t you know it’d be droids.”

Wrecker caught Tech’s eye. Tech shrugged, determinedly maintaining a straight face, but the corner of his mouth twitched. His shoulders shook as he fought to hold back his mirth.

Wrecker burst out laughing.

***

Although Mandalorian warriors were hardly an unusual sight on Kalevala, Hunter felt distinctly out of place.

His armor didn’t draw the stares he’d learned to ignore; he was simply one Mando’ad in a system of thousands. The only feature that marked him as different from the other warriors was the keeradak signet. He was wary of openly displaying anything that indicated his connection to the covert - he wasn’t sure how warriors who did not follow the Way would react on the off chance they recognized it as a sign of his allegiances - but wasn’t entirely successful in smothering his pride and defiance. A warrior never concealed his signet out of shame or fear.

To his relief, no one seemed to pay any attention to the symbol. Those he passed simply nodded in greeting and continued on their way. Part of him wanted to enjoy exploring a planet he’d never set foot on before, but he had a mission to complete. After all, it wasn’t all that different from Mandalore.

If that was true, he thought uneasily, then how had someone with ties to the Death Watch been able to reside here for months? Most Mando’ade loathed the Death Watch on principle. Had the bounty simply gone to great lengths to hide his past, or was someone willingly harboring him? Maybe the Death Watch wasn’t completely eradicated after all.

It was a disturbing thought, but Hunter shoved it away. There was no point fretting over things he couldn’t answer for himself.

The sprawling metropolis around him slowly transitioned into the collection of smaller districts that seemed to function as separate communities. This was closer to the areas of Mandalore he was familiar with, and he allowed himself to relax slightly. The city made him nervous; there were too many places to hide, too many variables. If he could corner his target in one of the less populated areas, completing the job would be much simpler.

Hunter came to a halt as nonchalantly as he could manage, studying the small crowd of armor-clad beings intently. Something had caught his eye…

His heart began to pound. Just a few meters away, a man with a strange symbol set on his bes’marbur was making his way through a cluster of Mandalorians ambling along the walkway. Hunter had initially mistaken the image to be a signet like his own, but this symbol was different. Uruk had sketched it for him in the dirt once, months ago when he was familiarizing Hunter with Mandalorian history, but the senior warrior had obliterated it almost immediately.

If any true Mando’ad were to see that, Uruk had said grimly, he would slit your throat, no questions asked.

The crimson jai’galaar symbol of the Death Watch gleamed on the man’s shoulder.

Hunter frowned. If he were watching the man the client had described, the indicator in his HUD would be flashing. But no such icon appeared.

His mind raced. Hunter began walking once more, surreptitiously following the Death Watch warrior. Even if he’s not the target, he could still lead me there, he thought. But why wasn’t anyone reacting to the symbol? The man hadn’t tried to disguise it in any way. How many of them are here?

Hunter gradually became aware that the neatly organized districts were giving way to irregular clusters of buildings. There were still Mando’ade here, but the crowd had thinned significantly. More than once Hunter thought he saw the stylized jai’galaar glaring on other shoulders or breastplates, but whenever he tried to covertly confirm his suspicions, the warriors had disappeared.

The man he was following at a distance abruptly turned a corner and disappeared. Hunter quickened his pace as much as he dared, then followed the same route. Just beyond the corner rose what might have been a warehouse.

Hunter had hardly taken one step towards it when the man appeared in front of him. Suddenly Hunter was falling, slamming into the ground hard enough to knock the breath out of his lungs. He rolled over, unsheathing his knife in the same movement, but a sudden weight in the middle of his back kept him pressed into the ground.

“Well done, bounty hunter,” the man rasped. Fighting the panic rising in his chest, Hunter saw three more Mandalorians with the jai’galaar symbol adorning their beskar’gam emerge from the dark building in front of him. “It seems you’re beginning to realize why everyone else refused to take this job.”

#way of the hunter #hunter #sergeant hunter #the bad batch #bad batch #clone force 99 #fanfic #oh look another subplot #wonder how that happened #that whole last section was not planned

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ellewritesathing · 5 years ago

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So Close - S.S II

Summary: The universe has a funny way of putting the things you want right in front of you, but just out of reach. Stiles and Y/N have been best friends ever since Scott brought him home, but when Stiles realizes that he might want to be something other than best friends, she leaves to go to some fancy private school up North. Now that she’s back though … maybe he’s got a shot? A Teen Wolf AU in which the reader has always been so close to Stiles and yet so far.

Prologue - S2E1

Part 1 - S2E2 + S2E3

Part 2 - S2E4 + S2E5 + S2E6

Wordcount: 4k+

A/N: I’m trying to flesh out my writing a bit more and try a new style in this one. Let me know what you think :) Feedback and constructive criticism are always welcome. Hope you guys like it!

In the past two days, you’d done the most physical activity in months. Any spare time was spent either training with Derek and the others or practicing what you’d learned in your bedroom. It was no surprise that by now you’d burnt out and were curled up in your bed with a heat pack and half a pint of ice cream. What was a surprise, however, was Scott calling you. You frowned and answered the call.

“Something happened to Stiles,” he rushed out before you could say anything. “I’m driving past the house now, do you want me to pick you up?”

“Yeah, definitely,” you told him, pushing yourself up and shutting down your pity party. Your heart was racing. “What happened to him?”

“I’ll tell you in the car,” he sighed and hung up, which only made you more anxious. When he picked you up, after the momentary surprise of seeing you in your pajamas, he told you that Stiles was getting the Jeep fixed when something killed the mechanic. He promised you that Stiles was fine but needed a ride home.

You were quiet on the drive there, twisting and folding your seatbelt over itself mindlessly. You stopped as soon as Scott pulled into the parking lot and you saw the flashing lights, and you dashed out to find Stiles as soon as the car had stopped moving. He was sitting in the back of an ambulance with his dad when you interrupted their conversation by wrapping your arms around him, your momentum knocking the two of you onto the floor of the ambulance.

“Ouch,” Stiles whined. “I think you did more damage than what happened in there.” You were apologizing and laughing slightly, but then you realized how close the two of you were and pushed yourself up to standing. You coughed slightly, trying to hide the embarrassment that came over you.

“But you’re okay?” you asked hesitantly, helping him back up.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he exhaled, pulling himself straight. “Really. So the both of you can calm down now.”

You looked over at Noah and smiled awkwardly. He was giving you that knowing, cheesy smile he always did when you and Stiles did something stupid. “Hey, Noah,” you said, brushing some hair behind your ear.

“Hi, Y/N,” he smiled. “Didn’t know you were back in town.”

“Yeah, I’ve been getting a lot of that lately,” you chuckled, folding your arms around yourself. The conversation died out and you didn’t know where to go from there.

“Well, I’m gonna go talk to Scott,” Stiles drawled out, pushing himself to his feet and sliding past you. “You guys catch up. I’m just gonna-” he made some hand motion while walking away without ending his sentence.

“So, uh,” you took a breath. “Come here often?”

---

You barely saw Scott or Stiles the next day; they weren’t just keeping secrets anymore, but now they were avoiding you. Isaac had said it was because something attacked Stiles and the mechanic, something not entirely human. He didn’t explain any more than that. When lunch rolled around, you’d given up on seeing either of your idiots, opting to sit outside in the sun instead of tracking them down or spending another lunch with Lydia. She was sweet but just not what you needed right now.

When Stiles raced down the stairs to Allison, almost tripping over your bag in the process, you had to blink a few times to make sure you were seeing things clearly. You were, and you watched him exchange some words with her, take a deep breath, and come running back in the direction that he came from. You waved, hoping he’d stop and say something, but he gave you a half-hearted wave and dashed past.

The process repeated itself a few times, each time had Stiles looking more and more haggard, until eventually you stood and blocked his path, holding your arms out to steady him. “Hey, slow down,” you cautioned teasingly. “What’s up with you? You avoiding me now?”

Stiles shook his head, breathing deep. “I’m just …” he waved his hand towards Allison and the inside of the building. “Scott and Allison …” he took a deep breath, hunching over now. “God, I hate running. You got any water?”

You rolled your eyes and bent down to grab your bottle from your bag. “You’re on the lacrosse team,” you started, handing him the water as you stood up, “Isn’t it kind of your job to run?”

He pulled a face while drinking. “I never said I was any good at it,” he said defensively.

“Weird, but okay,” you sighed. “But seriously, Stilinski, will you talk to me? What’s going on with everyone? Are you even okay after last night?”

“Look, Y/N,” Stiles said and handed you your now-empty water bottle. “There’s so much I wanna tell you that I can’t get into right now because I’ve really gotta do this for Scott but … I’m fine, okay? Promise.”

You folded your arms over your chest and looked at him. He was about to ramble about something else when you mustered up a smile for him. “Okay. Whatever you say, Stiles.”

He tapped your shoulder and moved past you so that he could carry on being the messenger for Scott and Allison. You shook your head as you watched him argue with her over something. You bit your lip and pulled out your phone, greeted by a new message from Isaac.

‘So is school as horrible as you thought it’d be?’

You smiled slightly before typing your response, not noticing the look Stiles gave you as he ran past.

‘Pretty much. Don’t suppose I could convince you and Erica to join me in a little prison break?’

---

You blamed the pain your muscles were in for your sloppy performance at training, but you knew it was something else. “You’re letting your anger get in the way,” Derek pointed out while he dodged another one of your clumsy punches. “Focus. Straighten your wrist.” Another dodge. You weren’t listening. “You’re going to snap your wrist … that is if you ever actually land a hit.”

That made you listen. You did as he suggested, but your odds didn’t improve much. Eventually, Derek grabbed your forearm when you jabbed and pulled you forward. You fell to the ground and cried out softly. It hurt.

“Use your opponent’s momentum against them,” he explained, not moving to help you up. “You need to fight smarter to survive, not harder.”

“Fight smarter,” you mumbled, rolling your eyes. You rolled over and kicked at his shin, but clearly your threat was more an annoyance than anything because he laughed.

“Nice try though.” You mimicked him again but this time it was significantly less funny and his eyes flashed red in retaliation. You watched him skulk away before sitting up to get a better look at your hands. They were pretty scratched up but you weren’t injured at least.

“So are you gonna talk about it or should I get in guard?” Isaac asked as he knelt down beside you. You smiled slightly but didn’t speak as you let him take your hands in his to assess the damage.

“It’s just Scott and Stiles,” you confessed, shaking your head. “They don’t trust me. And I get that I left but it never used to be like this. Those dummies told me whatever thought popped into their heads, the moment they thought of it. And now … now it’s like they don’t even know how to ask me how I’m doing.”

“You’ve just gotta give them some more time,” Isaac said gently. “They’re trying to protect from this the best they can, but they don’t know how.”

“Mm, and you do?” you teased. It made him blush and that made you laugh softly.

“Maybe,” he smiled and leaned in slightly to move some hair out of your face. But his hand stayed by your cheek even after he was done. It made your heart race, and you knew that you should say something before anything else happened, but it was nice to be a semi-normal girl again. Kissing your childhood best friend-turned werewolf was normal, right?

After a few seconds of mental freaking out, you pulled away. The kiss was cloying and sweet, but you knew you were playing with fire here. “I have to go,” you rushed out. Isaac immediately took his hand off your face and held it by his side. Your heart panged with guilt.

“Uh, yeah, you’re right,” he exhaled shakily, looking down. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no,” you stammered. “Not because of- because of that.” You took a breath and stood to gather your things. “Scott’s got a lacrosse game and my mom thinks I’m waiting at the house. I’ve gotta shower and change before we go and-” you stopped and looked at him as he stood up, hand nervously raising to the back of his neck. “I’ll call you?”

Isaac offered you one last smile before replying, “Sure. Have fun at the game.”

---

The lacrosse game was almost exactly how you thought it would be: pretty boring. Except Scott was pretty good at it, which shouldn’t have surprised you given his new-found talents, but still. Melissa tried to explain the game as best she could, but she was distracted by the other team constantly pummelling Scott.

The two of you watched as one of the Beacon Hills players was hauled off the field on a gurney. You were about to say something about how Scott’s been playing for a while and there’s no way he’d get that hurt, when a guy strode up by the bleachers and took a few shots on his camera.

“He belong to you?” he asked your mom, vaguely signaling to the injured player. Matt, you thought his name was.

“No, no,” she sighed in relief. “Mine’s still on the field. While I’m here, really wishing he’d stuck with tennis.” Her voice pitched higher at the end as another collision happened on the field.

Matt chuckled in response and snapped a few more photos, looking down to assess his work.

“So are you the yearbook photographer?” you asked. “I’ve always wanted to get into photography but I missed the club deadline.”

“No, I just take pictures of anything that catches my eye,” he answered offhandedly, zooming in on one of the photos he’d taken. It looked like Allison from where you sat.

“Right,” you drew the word out. You shuddered slightly as he left.

“He seems nice,” Melissa smiled and nudged you. “Maybe you should hang out with him sometime.”

“Yeah, sometime,” you lied. You stopped dwelling on your white lie when you saw Boyd had joined the team. You grinned and cheered him on, even if you could feel Erica’s anger radiating through the stands. Not too long after this, Scott got hit by the other team’s player. You flinched as he fell to the ground, but you knew he’d be fine in a few minutes. Melissa didn’t share your confidence though, and you raced after her as she ran onto the field.

“Scott-” your mom started, moving forward to help Allison support him.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Scott breathed, trying to keep his distance from everyone. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”

“I could have sworn I literally heard bone breaking from where I sat,” Melissa argued in disbelief.

“Heard it? I felt it,” Coach corrected.

“That might’ve been me,” you interjected. “I kind of jumped when it happened and kicked the stand. It made a pretty big noise.”

Scott gave you a quizzical look but kept talking. “Seriously, guys, I’m fine,” he promised. He set his injured leg down slowly and put some of his weight on it. “See? I’m all good.”

“Well, alright,” Melissa said hesitantly. “If you’re sure …”

“I’m sure,” Scott smiled at her. He looked over at you again like he was going to ask to talk to you, but Allison’s grandfather swooped in before he got the chance. You’d never been so thankful for anyone in Allison’s family.

---

You were asleep by the time Scott got home after dinner with the Argents, and you didn’t speak to him the next morning. You let your mind drift as you packed and unpacked things into your locker. When you closed your locker and saw Erica standing there, you jumped right out of your peaceful oblivious state. “Jesus, Erica,” you exclaimed. “Any particular reason you’re trying to give me a heart attack or were you just bored?”

“Easy, Y/N,” she laughed. “I’m here because I’m trying to give you good news, so if you could maybe chill out-”

“Yeah, okay,” you rolled your eyes. “I’m nothing but expectation, babe. What’s up?” She faltered slightly when you teased her, and it made you laugh. She motioned for you to turn around, and when you did you found Isaac waiting with a smile on his face. You grinned and pulled him into a hug. “They cleared you? You’re officially innocent?”

“Officially no longer a person of interest,” Erica corrected, clearly recovered from her momentary shock. “Innocent’s a bit of a stretch.” You laughed at her joke but Isaac rolled his eyes. They explained to you that they still had to keep a low-profile with you and that they had a test to figure out if Lydia was the kanima. If she was, they’d need your help to help her.

“Go easy on him, okay?” you asked when they were done. Reluctantly, they agreed to play nice and left before the bell rang.

---

“Isaac, you’re sure that it’s her?” you questioned, closing the door of your room and heading to the window. Apparently, the kanima test was the first test she’d failed (or the millionth she’d passed, depending on how you wanted to look at it).

“Yeah, we’re sure,” Isaac answered. “Just leave your window open for me and I’ll handle the rest.”

“Saving her is still the plan, right?”

He sighed. “Yeah, definitely.”

“Then just be careful,” you told him. You slid open the window and looked around. Whether you liked it or not, your whole world was about to change again. You shook your head and went back downstairs, stopping by the kitchen to grab the drinks you’d promised Allison and Stiles. When you got close, you heard that they were arguing about something, but they stopped when they saw you and Stiles mumbled something about calling Scott.

“Thanks,” Allison smiled and took a big sip of the juice. She looked anxious.

“Yeah, it’s no problem,” you smiled and took a breath. “So are we studying or are you guys gonna stand in the entryway for a few hours?”

They exchanged a look but Scott must have answered his phone because Stiles walked away a bit and started yelling at him as quietly as he could. You looked at Allison expectantly.

“Uh, why don’t you get us set up in the dining room and then check on Lydia and Jackson?” she asked. “I just have to talk to Stiles about Chemistry.”

“Right,” you nodded. She was a pretty good liar. “Sure thing.”

Setting things up to study was a quick process and then you went upstairs to find your friend. You wondered if she knew that she was killing people or if it was some primal drive for her kind. Maybe it was like a spidey sense for murderers. Your window was closed which meant Isaac was inside somewhere, but you were so busy that you walked straight into Lydia.

“Sorry,” you blurted out. She looked scared. “Woah, Lyd, you okay?”

Before she could answer, Allison popped her head up and told you guys to hide. Lydia pulled you into your room and you started trying to calm her down. “Do you know what’s going on down there?” she whispered frantically.

“No,” you confessed. Not a total lie but you still felt guilty. You looked out your window to avoid her gaze but almost screamed when you saw the kanima slithering away. It couldn’t be Lydia. It was Jackson. “We have to go,” you rushed out, pulling her into the hallway. She looked over her shoulder though and screamed, practically dragging you down the stairs to find the others.

“Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on?” Lydia yelled at the group when you found them. Derek and the pack were across the road and you made eye contact and nodded faintly at them before they disappeared. You noticed Stiles looking at you - which meant he saw your interaction.

“Well?” Lydia pushed, sounding more agitated by the second. “Is anyone gonna say anything? Where is Jackson? What was that thing?”

“Look,” Allison snapped before Lydia could get out more questions. She took a deep breath. “Why don’t I drive you home and we can talk about it?”

“No. I want-”

“Lydia, would you please just go with us on this?” Stiles asked. The two of them held eye contact for a few seconds.

“Fine. But I better get a damn good explanation.” And with that, she stomped into the house to get her things and out again to Allison’s car. Honestly, you wished you could have just thrown a fit like that and moved on with your life.

Pretty much the second that the two of them were out of sight, Scott and Stiles started rushing to the Jeep. “Oh no,” you laughed bitterly and grabbed the back of Scott’s shirt. “You’re not going anywhere until you talk to me.”

“Y/N,” Scott begged. “I really have to go.”

“You always have to go!” you yelled. Scott shifted to put his hand around your forearm.

“I have to go,” he repeated.

“Scott, I’ve been really patient with you and Stiles keeping me out of the loop but not anymore,” your voice shook slightly. Even though you had all the information from the pack, you were still scared. “What was that thing? Just tell me what’s going on.”

“I can’t,” Scott spoke the words like they were each their own sentence. His grip on your arm tightened and you winced. His claws were starting to come in as he pulled you off of his shirt. “Stay here.”

“Fine,” you forced the word out and pulled your arm into your chest. You couldn’t look at him.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry,” he rushed out, his voice full of concern. He reached out for your arm again but you took a step back. “I didn’t-”

“I don’t care anymore,” you shook your head. “Just leave me alone, Scott.” You ignored his protests as you ran back into the house, slamming the door behind you.

---

Not talking to Scott was a significantly easier feat than you’d thought because he hadn’t been home since he took off after Jackson the night before. You’d lied to Melissa and said you didn’t feel well, so you didn’t even see him at school. You were still so hurt and angry as you shoved clothing into a bag so you could stay with the pack until Scott decided to get his head out of his ass and talk to you.

The doorbell rang and broke you out of your pity party. You gave Isaac a hug as soon as you opened the door and the two of you stayed like that for a minute. You just needed to listen to his heartbeat. “Are you okay?” you asked when you finally pulled away. “I was worried that you got hurt last night.”

“I’m all good now,” he smiled and shouldered your bag before reaching for your hand. “Ready to go?”

“Definitely,” you smiled and locked up. The two of you were walking to Derek’s borrowed car when Scott and Stiles pulled up in the Jeep. “Let’s just get out of here,” you said quietly. “I don’t really feel like dealing with-”

“Get away from her!” Scott yelled. Isaac didn’t seem to mind the threat though, but he did walking.

“Scott, drop it,” you told him, doing your best to look intimidating. “It’s fine.”

“Uh, no, actually. No, it’s not,” Stiles chimed in, maneuvering around the Jeep. You rolled your eyes and told Isaac to keep walking.

“Seriously, Y/N,” Scott warned. “There’s a lot about him that you don’t know. You can’t trust him.”

“Really, Scott? Why not?” you questioned. “Is it because he’s a werewolf? Because then I don’t think I should trust you either.”

“You- you know?”

“Well, you can trust me,” Stiles said, recovering much faster than Scott from your dramatic reveal. “Come on, Y/N. You know you can trust me. This guy- he and all his little wolf pals were gonna kill Lydia.” You looked over at Isaac and couldn’t help the frown that fell on your face.

“We should get going,” Isaac whispered to you, squeezing your hand lightly. Even if you had your doubts, you didn’t want to spend another second with Scott and Stiles. You nodded.

“Seriously, Y/N,” Stiles drew your attention back to himself. He was right next to you now. “You should’ve heard the stuff he was saying about her. It wasn’t gonna be some mercy killing, okay? They were gonna kill her. And they were going to enjoy it.” He put his hand around your forearm - the exact spot Scott had the night before. “You can’t go with him.”

“Let go of me,” you pleaded. You would stay if he just let go. If he didn’t treat you like some shiny plaything to bring out when he wanted to ice skating and pack away when things got real. He didn’t let go, only try to pull you closer to him. You stepped into it before twisting your arm and getting a grip on his wrist. You pulled him down and put your other hand on his shoulder. “You guys don’t get to tell me what to do,” you told them. You pushed Stiles forward when you let him go and he stumbled forward. “Derek taught me that.”

---

Derek’s car was the most comfortable one you’d ever been in, but that didn’t keep you from having one very uncomfortable conversation with Isaac. “So how much of that was true?” you asked after the two of you had driven a few blocks away.

“How much of what?” he replied, making you narrow your eyes. You’d spent too much time with him to know when he was playing dumb.

“Were you going to kill her?” you persisted. You might not have werewolf senses to let you know when someone was lying, but you didn’t need them to see how uncomfortable he was.

“Derek said it was the only way. We were just following orders.”

“Following orders?” you scoffed. “You were just going to kill my friend and lie to me about it? I’m curious, Isaac, what was the plan there? Lie to me forever?” It was quiet. He didn’t know how to respond. “Pull over.”

“Right now?” He actually turned to look at you briefly to make sure you were serious.

“Yes, right now,” you told him. When the car stopped, you shifted to look him in the eyes. “You knew - more than anyone else - how much it tore me apart that Scott wasn’t honest with me. You knew. And you still lied to me.” The last part came out like a question, despite your best efforts to be tough.

“I was just doing what I was told, Y/N,” Isaac exhaled. He was upset. “Not everyone has a great family environment where everyone gets a say, okay? I was just-”

“Following orders,” you finished. “So if Derek told you to kill me, you’d do it?”

“You know it’s not that simple,” Isaac whispered. He looked at you with pleading eyes. He wanted you to know he wasn’t a bad guy. But you weren’t so sure anymore.

“Actually, it is,” you told him, unbuckling your seatbelt and picking up the bag at your feet. “I care about you, Isaac. A lot. But I can’t do this. You guys were going to kill a teenager without so much as a second thought.” You took a deep breath. “I’m done.”

“Just like that?” he whispered. He started reaching for your hand so you opened your door and got out.

“Yeah,” you said softly. “Just like that.”

Part 3

#stiles stilinski #stiles stilinksi x reader #stiles slow burn #stiles stilinksi imagine #mccall!reader #so close #teen wolf #teen wolf au #teen wolf rewrite

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