#having such bad covid anxiety rn

[gaytobymeres]

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[cookiescr]

Sorry for being scared all the time but I gotta vent please I urge y'all to block the vent tag because I am annoying at dksjskke

[kkujo]

and everything has consistently sucked since we got back from that trip.. not a week after that i got covid and was really sick the beginning of august was truly the last time i felt properly happy. word

[batboyblog]

Interesting thing to consider regarding our situation from Magdi Jacobs. She’s been fairly levelheaded so far about all this. The Pandemic really did change us all and how we perceive things.

The constant stressful vigilance we all needed during the pandemic is still in effect from that era, and that’s why there’s such a disconnect between what we see and feel as true:

https://x.com/magi_jay/status/1812531377184653581?s=46&t=9ilK5pqP73XDblTtTbb4Qg

I don't disagree with her, and I know for a fact she also agrees with what I have to say here:

Covid is part of it, maybe it is its own thing, maybe it super charged something that had been happening in slow-mo before

but I think algorithmic social media is breaking all our brains and Covid locked SO many of us inside with it for a year and a half or so where our only "human" contact was through social media and that was NOT helpful

There's lots of studies about social media and anxiety and depression, we know algorithms intentionally put stories/posts that upset you into your feed, we know that social media causes negative polarization.

speaking just of my own experience on twitter over the last two weeks it really challenges your sense of reality, twitter very quickly forms a group think about a current event and it becomes overwhelming, also it destroys any sense of time and prospective, so nothing is allowed to just be bad it has to be THE WORST THING EVER! and from the debate and now Trump's fist pump after getting shot at everything is NOW! the election is not 4 months away with all the events that will take over the news, people are voting just this second and only based on this news story rn! AAHHHH!!! !

by its short form nature twitter makes it feel as if people are having a conversation with you, but your ability to reply and question their statements is limited and I think that makes for extreme anxiety if the group think challenges your understanding of events/reality. So Joe Biden had a bad debate night, sounded bad, looked bad, he was a sick, jet lagged, overworked, old man and looked and sounded like all of that. Oh well, but the group think quickly shifted to "this is the worst thing ever, he clearly has dementia!" and you were bombarded by that over and over, in more and more shrill and condescending tones. And it became very stress inducing because people were seeing something you didn't see and insisting "don't believe your eyes and ears! believe my hot takes!" and you felt like you were losing your mind.

This is one current event but this happens on social media all the time, twitter is bad, TikTok is worse.

I also think for "younger" (under 40?) people raised on reality TV, and more so instagram, Facebook, now TikTok picture and video based social media there's a, life as reality TV show quality, an unspoken performance and need to make our lives seem perfect for an unseen (and not real) audience, and also to be seen as having the right views, but living in quick sand where liking or using anything could become a problem at any point and having to keep up endlessly. I also think this is intensely anxiety producing and also just debilitating, I don't think you can DO anything good in the world with that mindset

final thought: I've said for awhile I think why you see so many people declaring the economy is bad, regularly saying its historically, Great Depression levels bad, when it is in fact really good, as near to full employment as we've ever had lots of great economic indicators is left over Covid trauma.

We all went through a scary, sad, upsetting time in our lives. But because we ALL did if nothing happened to you particularly, you didn't get hospitalized, don't have long Covid, no one you're close with died and you couldn't be there for them, it might feel like "nothing" happened. So people are reaching for a "logical" reason for that edgy, sad, nervous, upset, unhappy feeling they can't get rid of. Normally that comes from economic anxiety, fear of not having enough money, or losing a job etc. So many people are reporting that they think the national economy is terrible while saying they think they themselves are doing well, that their local or state economy (that they see an interact with) is doing good, while the nation is doing bad, somehow. People are spending like they're doing well as well, never had it so good, never felt so bad.

I suspect its because we're all still dealing with Covid feelings, and thanks to social media, the death of common spaces, political radicalization, we never really came together and drew a line under Covid, it just kinda sputtered out and we slowly went back to our lives like nothing happened.

[pesterquestrewritten]

Sorry if this is an inappropriate question to ask, but why do you want to rewrite pesterquest? Was there anything wrong with its original version, or are you just doing this for fun?

brain is a Lil Loopy rn so please excuse if this answer is semi incoherent - recovering from ankle surgery rn.

im gonna try to not harp on the original pesterquest as a project/talk about my percieved issues with it. from what I understand about the work environment where it was developed, it was hell -- poor communication, tiny budgets, little overall direction. plus every artist/writer involved was likely busy with other things at the same time (for example finishing the development of Hiveswap Act 2). they had so much going against them, and... it sorts shows in the final work, which isn't their fault. the original PQ team was passionate and cared and like. the absolutely last thing i want to do is disrespect them.

(generally also stating for the record that calling the original PQ "trash" or "replaced" is like. not good vibes. please don't do this if you're trying to enjoy PQR -- the last thing the original postcanon team needs is more harassment.)

anyway.

pqr is fanfiction, fundamentally.

i started making pqr because in september i was sick with covid, i wanted to learn renpy, and i wanted to study homestuck more. i wanted to figure out what made PQ tick, literally, figuratively, all of the above.

plus i really wanted to write a different story arc for mspar.

i also really love the side characters in Homestuck, and wish they all got more time to shine. the pqr prologue including a set of Spades Slick sprites just for a brief encounter i think helps establish what i want to do with the like. raw potential of the premise of a Homestuck visual novel.

damara is the other big thing -- i've wanted to make a story with her in it work for ages. (if anyone remembers the old MEGIDO hades mod, that was my first big public attempt. she was gonna be the protagonist, breaking out of scratch's mansion. turns out coding in renpy is WAY easier LMAO)

like. the plan wasn't even initially to have the prologue be a full damara route? i just let the writing take me where it wanted to take me. it's been deeply fun and cathartic.

the prologue's "bad end" has some incredibly intimate themes of like. inevitability, and worrying you've let everyone you love down, and i showed it to a college friend who i hadn't spoken to for ages and she set a screenshot from it as her background.

like. to me. that's pqr. that's why i make it.

pqr is the laundry room ending of rose's route, a deeply personal look into my own fears and anxieties as an author reflected back through this girl's circumstances. pqr is also the retcon ending of rose's route, a wildly stupid and indulgent romp through my own past fanfiction for a silly gag that people seemed to really love.

pqr is about dave and myself looking for a place to stay simultaneously -- pqr is about jade leaving prospit, and how i was adding to that part of the game in real-time as i dropped out of college, changing both of our destinies to something unexpected but hopefully better, at the same time.

pqr is also a silly extended sleepover scene. it's just fun to see them interact.

pqr is an excuse to turn over corners of homestuck and see if we can't peek behind them. what was it like for roxy, to think she lost joey and then find rose's meteor barely a year later? of course she'd think it's impossible for her to succeed as a mother. pqr is about finding empathy for yourself for your own mistakes, reflected back at you through homestuck characters.

because really, isn't that what we're all here for?

pqr is me coming back to my last long-abandoned attempt at an act 5 rewrite. pqr is an excuse to watch my girlfriend grow in confidence and style as she makes all the endcards and incidental art (except for joey route pt 2, but THAT was an excuse to work with a NEW friend!!!!!!!)

pqr is a friendship simulator that i am winning by having an incredibly supportive and collaborative group of friends in the dev thread who are cheering me on with every segment of text i post, friends who will hop in vc to check out the newest segment. friends like @dare0451 who literally yesterday rendered out some new audio to upgrade the June route to be even more fucking amazing and terrifying than it already was, AND DARE HASN'T EVEN PLAYED IT????? IT'S LITERALLY JUST. IT'S FRIENDSHIP MAN. PQR IS FRIENDSHIP

what the hell was this question again.

oh right.

yeah it's been fun basically. that's why i do it lol

[dotterelly]

Hey, so I just wanted to say how nice it's been to vibe with you all today. Seriously, thank you. It's been a long time since I last really interacted with any kind of fandom community, and I wasn't sure about joining one again. I've not been in the best place mentally recently, but I've had such a good time and I'm so grateful to everyone for facilitating that.

I have more to say but I'm throwing it under a cut because it'll be long and not relevant to most people here.

For a long time I've not chosen to join communities for things I liked, either because I already had friends to chat with about it, or because I just kind of felt like people would hate me (I have an internal voice that's always telling me people hate me it sucks ass). Like I seriously think the last time I interacted with a fan community in any meaningful way was the yogscast back in 2012 (yes, I am old.).

In the time between, I've had some big life upheavals and some subsequent mental health breakdowns. I've never got really bad with it, but this last year a lot of the big changes in my life have caught up with me. Turns out immigrating to America the day they closed the borders for covid to enter lockdown in an unfamiliar country with barely any local friends isn't good for your mental state. (Still worth it, I got the best husband ever out of the deal. I'd do it again every time.)

I found the qsmp at my lowest point of last year, when a situation with a colleague and a sudden change in position and responsibility at work caused a 2 week long anxiety attack in a way I've never experienced before, with a side of insomnia. I fell back on old coping habits and found something to escape into, and starting with technoblade I consumed a vast amount of media in a short amount of time, catching up with half a decade of minecraft stuff I'd missed out on. Finally deciding I wanted to follow Philza going forward, I then spent 2 months catching up on all his qsmp vods. I've not been this into something for a long time, and my desire to find people I could screech with when stuff went down brought me round to dusting off my mildly neglected Tumblr account. And I'm so glad I did. I didn't know how much I missed this sort of community.

Thanks to everyone who's interacted with me directly or with my posts in the last couple of weeks. As a heads up, I am not good at consistent tagging and I will just reblog and post any random crap I like in a sort of crazed stream of consciousness, so follow at your own risk! Also I truly intend to just vibe and not engage in any fandom drama. If I reblog anything controversial it is most likely because I'm new and didn't know, or because my neurodivergent ass did not pick up the context or subtext of the thing I reblogged. I do have opinions about things, but I simply do not have the emotional or mental health capacity to properly research situations or deal with discourse like that rn. I just want to vibe and see cool art and fics and theorise a bit and maybe make some friends if I find people I click with.

So that's a bit of an introduction to who I am and what I am about. Thank you all again so much for helping me start to rebuild myself again after a shitty end to the last year. I hope to continue this adventure with everyone going forwards! <3

[cowplant-pizza]

hey guys this is a huge personal rant about my irl so if u dont wanna read it just scroll!!

so as some of u will know i am disabled with fibromyalgia, hyper mobility and also depression and anxiety.

i started a small biz to try to help bring funds in as i cant work a proper job (i was even told by my dr that working was out of the option)

im feeling doubly, even tripley sorry for myself rn because not only do i have a disability, but i have it so bad that i can’t even do what most people with this disability can do (work part time or even full time in some cases)

my disability took away my dream from working with animals because its such a labour intensive job

i saw a silver lining in creating my small business because it was something i was really passionate about and was actually doing really well

in 2020-2021 i made £21k which is a reasonable salary for someone with no qualifications (i had to drop out of school due to my disability) and also a small business in their first year of existing

however since covid has “ended”, and lockdown was lifted, my sales have plummeted. the following year i only made £4k

this year i’m sure i’ve made even less

i cant keep up with my business because i’m way too stressed about money. stress makes fibromyalgia waaaay worse for those wondering

i cant sleep at night. i have awful insomnia. but when i do finally get to sleep, i cant wake up. i describe it as a sleep coma. its like sleep is literally pulling a blanket over my head and suffocating me back to sleep. i actively fight with my body every day for the ability to wake up

once i wake up i have minimum energy. this is spent doing small everyday tasks like watering my plants, playing with my dogs, putting away laundry, showering ect. once those tasks are done, i’m spent. i could sleep again. i have no energy or motivation to work on my business

but some days i dont even have the energy to do those small things

i just sort of “zombie mode” along all day. time goes quickly and slowly at the same time

i thought i’d been awake like 30mins earlier but it had been 5hrs and my dinner was ready

i’m basically always confused and not with it. earlier i put a tissue on the side and my mug in the bin (still with cold tea in it) instead of the other way around. i put soap in my hair and shampoo on my body puff

i dont know what to do

i have a drs appointment on 16th but that was booked over a month ago and its only over the phone. i rang today to try and book another one (because you can only discuss one issue at a time), and opted for the callback service (if your past 5th in the queue you press the callback and keep your spot). i was 8th. i never got a call back

i honestly just feel like the entire world is against me

im trying to get an adhd/autism diagnosis because i know something is “wrong” up there but i cant even get a regular appointment let alone a referral

i get no support from my government. no benefits. i scored a 0 on my PIP interview. im going to try for universal credit but someone recommended waiting for my adhd/autism diagnosis to really push them to give it to me but, as i said, i cant get an appointment

im making about 50-100 per month

i dont see anything bright in my future

if you read this far honestly your a gem. im sorry for burdening this on your shoulders. i just needed to write it down and get it off my chest

[kkami-writes]

ok I just really need to rant and I really don't have anyone to talk to rn and i'm just feeling really bleeeeeeh you know?

I have a group of new york friends (I live in cali) who I spend a lot of time with, we play games together, watch movies and all that stuff. we're even planning a group trip soon and I really want to meet them. We've known each other for years and we've done lots of secret santas and everything. There's one person (who i'll call S). We were close, we had a lot in common and we got along great. We shared struggles together and could talk easily with each other. He had revealed he had a crush on me. (this is in 2020 during covid) I'm a very touch heavy person and one of my love languages. Him living in new york would be really hard. but he's a nice guy and I have a lot of fun with him so I agreed to a 'date' so we had a valentines date over video call and discord. and while I like him, I just don't think I felt the same and again, I really did NOT want to do a long distance relationship. so I turned him down and things were okay for awhile. Then a couple weeks past and I had mentioned that I went on a date with someone (i did NOT enjoy the date btw) but it set him off and he needed some space. which I totally get and understand!!

so back to now I don't really remember what mended our friendship but we were close again and have been for a few years now. I consider him my best friend. out of everyone in our group I felt like I could be real with him with my depression and anxiety. not that I can't with the group but I just felt he always understood me the best, considering he deals with it too. For the last two years we've gotten closer, we'd send stuff to each other, we did buddy reads, like typical?? best friend things. But recently I have felt a little? smothered by him, constantly asking me if my anxiety was acting up or whatever and it's like i'm glad you care but like if I needed help I would go to you, you don't have to ask me everyday you know? and then I was getting worried that he was relying on ME to much. which of course, i'm glad to help but it felt so overwhelming sometimes because I can't help all that much besides give advice, and try to comfort him. and the point is that I wanted him to be able to reach out to other people but it felt like he was dumping it all on me and I was starting to not be able to help bc it felt like I was just repeating myself over and over again you know?

anyway I needed to ask him if he was having feelings for me again because I could start to tell. he had told me no and then I asked if he was lying and then he told me no. but then he didn't talk to me for a few days and in my head i'm like. ok so you lied to me. but a few days later he was back to normal and i'm like...so we're just?? gonna ignore that? okkkkkkk.

and then in chat I mentioned that I had given my number to a cute guy at the boba shop. (I wrote my name and number on a napkin, gave it to him and then ran away bc i'm a big baby). this had set him off because that is that last time I heard from him. the guy never even texted me back (which of course made me feel bad since i'm really insecure about my appearance right now). the thing that I hate the most is that he ghosted me. Our other mutual friend had to tell me that he's taking a break from our discord server. and it sucks. and then it brings me back to all the times we shared and it's like??? did you only do those things because you like me??? like I know you genuinely care about me but it's only because you like me. Like you can't??? respect the fact that I just don't like him like that and i'm trying to put myself out there? something I haven't done in THREE YEARS. I've been single since 2019 and for the first year or so I was happy bc I really needed to take a step back and focus on myself. and now i'm soooooo fucking lonely but it's hard to meet people. I don't have a license, I don't leave the house that often bc my friends all moved away my father is always out either with friends or at work (my parents are divorced and I see my mom rarely). and it's like the one time I put myself out there I get punished for it. and like I know he's going through a hard time I get that, he's been pretty bad lately but. does he even know how much he's hurt me by doing this too? like I get he needs space and like I get time heals all wounds blah blah but it's been a month and I have not heard from him since. He'll still join the discord but as long as i'm not there. and I avoid it too if he's already there. and it's just?? this week has been up and down and i've been feeling icky and god I just??? wish I could talk to him because he'd know what to say? How to cheer me up? and like I'd talk to my best best friend but she's dealing with so much right now that I hate putting more on her plate. She tells me I should hang out with our other friend Z but me and Z had not really a falling out but we didn't talk to each other for a long period of time after a friend situation but her and my best best friend still get together. but it's just??? awkward for me. I would like to be Z's friend again but it really feels like I don't know how to socialize anymore. I know I really need to expand my bubble but idk man.

and even if S gets over it and goes back to normal I don't know if we can??? have the same closeness as before because I can't keep doing this. like it's so unfair to me for you to come into my life ghost me. come back and ghost me again after we got REALLY close. like?? I don't wanna give you all of my heart if you're gonna give it back just because I don't feel romantically towards you?? I wouldn't mind being friends again of course but I'd keep him within a ten foot pole. I can't be emotional or real with him anymore. Just strictly whenever everyone else is in the discord playing games or watching movies.

honestly I've essentially lost a best friend.

this got...really long but I really don't have an outlet right now and yeah. sometimes I

[charmedreincarnation]

Hello☺️

I hope it will make sense. So i want to manifest my desired appearence. Rn i don't hang out with friends bcs i am insecure, but if i would had my desired appearence (living in the end) i would hang out so much because i would be so confident. So what should i do in 3d because i am confused. Some people said u should don't act as if in 3d. So?

Hey, same here! I love hanging out with my friends but they love to take pictures and it gave me severe anxiety for them to post them because i thought I was so ugly. I felt bad because I love taking photos, and hanging out with my friends, but I was so insecure it was ruining everything. But yea I’d just use whatever manifesting method you prefer, and whenever you see yourself, just affirm to yourself how beautiful you are.

I actually began my glow up back in 2020 during covid because I wanted to go into senior year, a new hot bitch yanno. For me all I did was everyday in the summer write that I was smart, pretty, and gorgeous basically and looked in the mirror after I showered and affirmed it to the mirror. Idk if it’s just me but even when I deemed myself to be ugly, after showers I thought I was so hot!

Anyways it worked pretty well but I ended up having severe depression so I didn’t even do anything with it 😭😭 I didn’t get better until I started shifting and then got more serious into manifestion but it worked regardless so I digress !

Also even when you don’t think you’re as attractive as you would be still do what you think your attractive self will do. Find cute hair styles, find fitting clothes, do skin care. Even if it’s not the expensive version just start somewhere and make good habits to live in the end :)!

[mental-health-and-jesus]

Could you keep my family in prayer? Between getting sick and anxiety we are seeing rough days. Brother is admitted for kidney failure but he’s young and not doing so bad but we want him cleared and health again. Family is sick with Covid. Just really worried rn. Thank you in advance

7-15-2024

I’m not sure when this was send I’m so sorry this took a bit to reply but We will Keep Your Family in Prayer 🙏 We’ve experienced medical issues for us and our family too since we were a baby so we can understand to a point and also said in the bio struggle with mental health stuff ❤️ but We Pray for You that You may find Peace in Jesus✝️ and that Your Family and Your Brother feel better and turn the bad into good🧡

‘Many, O Lord my God, are wonders You have done, and the plans You have for us none can compare to You if I proclaim and declare them, they are more than I can count. Psalm 40:5

[sweetlysniffly]

CW: Covid discussions.

does anyone else get Covid anxiety when someone you know IRL gets Covid even if you haven’t seen said person in weeks?

two people i know IRL (which i both haven’t seen in like 3 1/2 weeks) have Covid at the moment and suddenly I’ve just gotten such bad anxiety over getting it myself? And I can’t really enjoy any of my sickfics or adjacent content rn cause that’s all I can think about, which sucks cause I usually use sickfics as a source of comfort for anxiety

I’m pulling up to work tomorrow and now I’m just gonna be terrified the whole time that I’ll get it there

like I’m trying not to make it about me I promise (I haven’t brought this up to either of them dw dw). But does anyone else experience this

Now I’m paranoid and I can’t sleep, but I have to wake up at the crack of dawn tomorrow for work ughhh

[ener-chi]

Joys of the Day:

-Did more work with Sekhmet. They talked about how illness is often necessary to help the organism get stronger, and to lose the extra chaff, if you will. Used my recent bout with covid as an example, and covid in general with the world. Did a lot of other stuff, too. They're intense, but I like working with them

-Made really good progress with my anxiety today!! Accepting that uncomfortable and bad things and feelings are going to happen is... really difficult for me. But... I think I'm finally starting to accept it, and it is really freeing in a way.

-Getting better at setting boundaries!

-Taco Monday! Normally it's on Tuesday but my partner isn't gonna be here tmrw so we did it today instead (: I tried a new thing with the meat I just learned to get a crust on it and it was a hit!

-Did a makeup session for some qigong classes I missed. It was a 1 on 1 with the teacher. I'm really really glad that I am learning TCM. You can learn and practice qigong and still have a very profound practice and get incredible benefits from it, without knowing the medicine behind it. But knowing the medicine behind it unlocks so many extra layers to it that just make things make sense.

For example, there is a routine in a form we're learning called Pulling Nine Oxen By The Tails (I might be wrong on the name). Anywho, without really showing the form, you start out by mimicking an ox plowing the earth, then grasping the oxes tail. But I had my mind blown because the form really helps to benefit your liver, and especially for Liver Overacting on Spleen - also called Wood Overacting on Earth. And the Ox is a symbol for the Liver, and the Ox plows the Earth...

Just little things like that. And knowing how even the tiniest movement affects certain channels, or you're stimulating certain points - it's just so fucking cool alskdhdhfhfl

-Got to play some games with some friends! Haven't done it in a while, it was refreshing

-I feel like I have/do take things too seriously. I'm starting to realize that and trying to lighten up my grip and it feels nice (:

This ended up being more of a journal post lmao, might as well lean into it. Am still in the middle of the process of transferring schools. That's also happening in the midst of finals season, getting sick, transitioning, big things happening in the lives of people I'm close to...

My life is quite the rollercoaster rn lmao. ANYWAYSSS still have mixed feelings about the whole school thing. But ultimately... it's gonna be okay. I'm going to learn what I wanted and came here for, and that's what matters. Plus soon I get to start needlinggg ahh so nervous! But I'm excited to be able to help people (: I'm going to change so many people's lives. That thought makes me nervous... but also excited

Anywho. I think that's really it. Hope everyone has a good night!

Blessings!

[gotyouanyway]

hmm ok so usually physical activity (working out, chores, etc) is my #1 stress/anxiety management activity but i can’t do that rn bc i’m still recovering from covid & exhausted so does anyone have any tips or secret techniques for managing really bad physical anxiety symptoms while resting?? distraction really helps me too so if you’ve got any ideas for light and low effort distracting tasks/phone games/media/other activities that would be awesome

[purrfurnax]

wtf are you supposed to do when no one listens to you like one appointment our doctor seems like she understands and she wants to run tests or set up with a specialist but the next appointment, she changes her mind.and it doesnt help that none of my symptoms are consistent. brain stuff like anxiety/depression/psychosis/cognitive/balance keep getting worse, gastro stuff is like ibs most of the time but sometimes the heartburn gets really really bad or i have nausea so bad i cant keep anything down, pots symptoms come and go, different pain/fatigue levels and more i cant think of rn

its like if im not having those symptoms during the appointment she doesnt want to do anything about it. nevermind that i havent had very much appetite for several months and lost 10 lbs without trying but thats a Good Thing Because Im Fat, and everyone also thinks its more likely that i have like 500000 conditions + 'just fibromyalgia' instead of long covid

every time i look up a symptom that isnt common or even a thing with fibro, its always a lc symptom

[rivetgoth]

Seriously distraught for this trans guy on Reddit asking for help because post-COVID he’s developed transphobic intrusive thoughts that he’s absolutely unable to shake and in his own words felt like “[he] was stupid and naive before, and finally woke up” and almost every single comment was absolute cringefail idiots being like “COVID can’t do that to you. Go to therapy.” with not only no sympathy but talking completely out of their ass. Like 75% of the time when I tell people about my experience with mental health plummeting post-COVID they very clearly do not believe me or are kinda like “huh… are you sure you weren’t just stressed out about having COVID?” and I want to grab them throttle them scream at them NO I have dealt with mental health issues my whole life and I cannot begin to put into words the absolute extreme severity of the symptoms here, it literally felt like an altered state it felt like the worst bad trip of my life I was throwing up sobbing myself to sleep having panic attacks daily, trauma resurfacing that I had not thought about in years, trying to journal would result in pages and pages of incoherent rambling about how terrified I was, FULLY convinced I had uncovered some hidden truth about the universe and that I would never be able to return to normalcy which is literally a documented sign of bad trips in altered states as well as psychosis, like this was a full-blown psychotic episode unlike anything I’d had since I was a teenager and even at my absolute most peaceful moments I had this unshakeable sense of unease and discomfort that just felt like it was my new natural state. I know other people who had this experience as well, each person I talked to who could relate reported a different way their brains turned against them and everything they believed in started raveling. My dad’s mental health plummeted post-COVID and he became convinced that the war in his home country meant there is no hope for humanity’s or his family’s future. Very real fears brought to the forefront to such an extreme degree my mom was calling me begging me to try to talk to him because he wasn’t himself. Afterwards he said it felt like a bad trip. Angel experienced something similar, I know someone else who was hospitalized for anxiety attacks twice in one week, etc. And this took MONTHS to dissipate, literally symptoms started sometime late January-early February last year and absolutely did not let up until sometime around May or June of the same year, slowly improving month by month until my head was finally clear. I had been thinking about this experience recently anyway because this is the “anniversary” of it right now and it absolutely left me with some long-term trauma I’m still working through but seeing someone else describe the exact same experience and be met with “COVID can’t do that” is shaking me to my fucking core rn lmao.

[osaka-lilac]

okay i’m finally free and can do this tag game cause i was busy sorry for the wait lol

tagged by @killingevie @arodynamics-xo and @formula-red <3333 i love u guys

1. are you named after anyone?

yea! i’m named after my great aunt and she’s pretty cool and she’s super sweet. my full name is a different spelling of alison krauss, she’s a bluegrass singer that my parents like, bonded over. she’s pretty cool actually

2. when was the last time you cried?

uhhh probably when i was still getting over my ex and it was still raw. i got close to it during a rush at work literally today and i had like 5 orders to do alone and i got scared and i just like. profusely apologized for the wait and they were like “well you shouldn’t be alone anyways” and i was like idk sorry i guess

3. do you have kids?

no and i don’t plan to for a long time. i’m literally 19

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

not really? i’m bad with detecting sarcasm a lot when it’s subtle but when you do the whole fake voice thing, then i get it. idk if it’s just the social anxiety in me or what

5. what sports have you/do you play?

so i dabbled a bit in elementary school and middle school but sports have never really been my thing. i did basketball camps in elementary school but i was not good at it, and then i did volleyball camps from fifth grade to seventh grade. i was part of the volleyball team in seventh grade but i wasn’t good and i wasn’t like already part of their crew so i wasn’t treated very well. but i joined tennis in eighth grade and i loved it and i played it up until my senior year of hs when covid cancelled our season. i was more into music, i did band and played french horn in middle school, and have done choir and theatre from fifth grade all the way up to my senior year.

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

i’m good at reading people’s faces. i can tell if someone doesn’t like me even by the twitch of an eyebrow. but usually i notice their eyes and smiles first. windows to the soul, am i right? i’m really bad at eye contact when people are also looking so it’s a bit awkward lol. i also love people’s smiles, and i’m able to match emotions p well

7. scary movies or happy endings?

so i used to be big into happier movies, like i would actively avoid movies that made me feel bad cause i didn’t want to feel like that. but once i took my film class in my second year of college i’ve appreciated movies that make me sad and uncomfortable. there’s so much i missed on by being afraid of feeling bad. i really enjoy psychological horror/thrillers, but i’m not into super gory or jumpscare-filled horror movies. think like full metal jacket, ones that make me feel scared in a tense way rather than just violence, although fmj has both

8. any special talents?

depends on what you call special. i did art for two years for college so i’m not too bad at that. i can sing but i haven’t sung in a non-private manner since high school so i’m pretty rusty. i’m not really that special when i think about it and i’m pretty ordinary. but i can make good coffee i guess.

9. where were you born?

north-eastern wisconsin and i barely have left the state in my life other than week-long vacations to florida as a small child that i barely remember.

10. what are your hobbies?

i still draw in my free time, even though i’m still working through my burnout. i like walking around town and driving for fun, i read and play video games but i’ve kinda been falling out of that. i like animal crossing, minecraft, destiny 2, and f1 21 (the only good one on xbox game pass). but i’m not very good at racing games yet cause i don’t have a wheel, i’m on controller. if you consider my hyperfixations hobbies, im big into f1 rn but in the recent past i’ve been really into total drama island, and mcyt (but i barely talk about that anymore)

11. do you have any pets?

yes! back at home i’ve got two cats named rudy and hermey, they just turned 19 in may and they may sound old but they are still kicking it and oh so sweet. they’re brothers and i’ve had them all my life and i love them. i also have a corgi who’s like 7 and she’s super sweet and bouncy and i love her

12. how tall are you?

5’4.5” ~ 162.5 cm [i tell people i’m 5’5” to fuck w them >:) ]

13. fave subject in school?

i liked art, choir, and english a lot. i actually loved writing papers about things i read and my teachers kept them as “examples” to show future students if they were confused so i take that as a personal W

14. dream job?

if you had asked me this like. 8 months ago i would have told you i would like to be a storyboard illustrator for movies or tv shows and stuff like that. however i am so burned out of everything except mindless sketch studies that i don’t know if i want to do that anymore. i’ve been oddly into engineering lately (literally only because of F1) and even though i didn’t enjoy math as much i’m willing to put it aside and work at it for the sake of a possibility of working for F1 one day.

15. eye color?

green with like. brown highlights. it’s not hazel but it’s also not fully green. i’ve been told i also have blue around the outside which idk about that. it’s like the dark blue ring with green and very little brown highlights.

uhhh i’m a little late to the party for this so idk who’s been tagged and done this already but i’m gonna tag @toffee-and-tandoori , @racingliners , and @tinyweltmeister as well as anyone else who wants to do this :)