#having a weird symptom time at the moment so who knows. but I can try.

[lovelaceisntdead]

Going to see Scream VI next week :)

[thedreadvampy]

sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'

[acheronist]

to the ghost of henry peglar, congrats on writing your poem down 177 years ago!!!

to the actual academic scholars who have studied the pages before me....

so I took the royal museum greenwich's scan of the poem page (which is available online hereeee) and screwed around with its light levels in photoshop until henry's script was darkened enough to see more clearly. then I digitally traced over the darkened letters as best as I could, while also trying to discern his handwriting, and type up how I was reading it & this process took me about a week to get done between like... living my regular day to day life lmao.......

so when it WAS done, the final isabel acheronist peglar papers ["the open C"] transcript seemed a bit different than how I remembered the readily available russell potter transcript going ? (the poem is on the last two pages of that pdf for those of you who don't spend a billion hours a week looking at it btw)

it felt like I was getting more/different information out of it, compared to the potter transcript, which was kind of stressing me out honestly. so THEN I compared mine with barry cornwall's original poem and found more words that matched up? particularly in the second and third stanzas?

so!!!!! almost two hundred years later here's what I've landed on:

April 21 1847 the C the C the open ) ( it grew so fresh the Ever free the Ever free the Ever free without it without it covered it will Run to Earth above Re gions Round I love the C I love the C when I whare & I wish to be with and and silence whare Never go if a sailor should a Come and Make the meek What matter what matter Come Ride Or Sleep there was shores white and of red morn at the noisy hours knew I was ever near I was Born the [...] in felt Unto the Maid the wale the young dolphin ...... yet thes back of gold the Call of gods When I was on Old England Shore I like the young C more and more oftentimes time flew to a sweltering place like a bird thats seeks it mother Case and ware she was bird oft to me for have I loved a young and Hopen C

so then after going thru All Of That, I wanted to have a version of the original poem with parts that Henry did remember clearly highlighted for comparison purposes:

I know it's a popular theory that Henry was writing a dirty parody of the original poem? which if true, is funny as hell. me when i have to write cheeky victorian porn before i die.

But (serious voice) something about that hadn't ever seemed exactly right to me... IN MY HEART it seems more realistic that around 1847 he (and also by extension, the whole surviving expedition crew) were starting to experience confusion / brain fog symptoms from being ummmm quite physically unwell. the lead poisoning/scurvy combo would have severe effects on the brain's ability to function properly, and I started to wonder if Henry was trying to test his memory somehow? So he picked a widely known and popular Victorian era poem about being a sailor to see how much he could recall??? and he then got a little whimsical with it, and wrote in his own words to fill in the portions he couldn't fully recall, because it's his own diary and likely didn't expect anyone else to ever read it, much less have it turn into ONE of TWO surviving sources about the expedition?????

like... idk... this is probably the work of someone in the exact moment as they were starting to realize how bad things were, and then was trying to cope by using poetry. and That hurts my feelings enough as it is, but going through it was also just a very weird and haunting experience....... like, I can recognize all these tiny details in this dead guy's script and handwriting now. and to read his own account of his life in his own words, what stood out to him and what he recalled, what he wanted people in the future to know about him? insane. it literally felt like i was getting haunted by him for no reason. on top of knowing that Someone (#teamarmitage) loved this guy enough to keep his memory protected and safe, even though They Were So Totally Fucked And Going To Die There, unknowing if they'd ever be found again........

SIGHING + SIGHING + SIGHING + SIGHING + CRYING A BIT HONESTLY

anyways thanks for reading this all. I don't think that this is revolutionary franklin expedition news by any means, and idk if there's a better different transcript somewhere that i've not found that already covers all this? but it's consumed a lot of my life lately lol and i wanted to share. because its the anniversary of henry writing it, and it felt...... important....? 💌....????

[hunters-vigil]

The Archon's Baby - Chapter 3 - Important Advice

Previous Chapter Next Chapter

request from ao3: Make one where they have a child but the female character doesn't tell Mavuika that she is expecting a child and distances herself from Mavuika please 🙏🙏

warning/mentions of: topics of pregnancy, pregnancy symptoms implied eventual character death of an NPC (but the reader is oblivious to this).

Fic under the cut, don't repost my stuff on other platforms, i have ao3. Reader is not the traveller. Reader's adoptive sisters are Chasca and Chuychu but Reader might not be from Natlan...

"Not a fan of going in the hot springs anymore?" Atea's voice snapped you out of your daze, sitting on a crate observing the Koholasaurs playing.

"Maybe another time..." you dismissed the question, turning your head as Atea held out a tray with snacks on.

"How are you doing, kid?" the older woman enquired, watching as your nose crinkled up at being referred to as a 'kid'. Meanwhile your hand sneakily reached for one of the crackers, surprised that they didn't make you gag as you got a whiff of them. Atea knew what she was doing, even if she was only acting on a gut feeling, having kept an eye on you since you arrived at the Toyac Springs.

"Fine, just... sluggish. Not been sleeping well lately." Rubbing at your eye for a moment, you avoided Atea's gaze. Unfortunately the woman knew you far too long to know it was more than just a bad night's sleep.

"Your body is cold but only your pelvic area isn't?" she only had to say those words for you to stare at her with wide eyes, but she made no comment on it, although, whatever advice she gave you went in one ear and out of the other, thanks to your panic.

"You're not hearing a word I'm saying, are you?" Atea deadpanned, but the soft smile on her face took the harshness out of her words.

"Sorry, I just-"

"It's fine, I can tell you have a lot on your mind." Atea sighed, frowning as you avoided her gaze, "don't be like me and live with regrets. You should tell her when you're ready, but don't leave it too late. She'll notice you're avoiding her eventually-"

"but the Pilgrimage, Night Warden Wars and Natlan's 500 year crisis come first..." you cut her off, before realising what she just said, "wait, you know-"

"I saw you two in the hot springs together, it was late, nobody else was around but I was going to... it doesn't matter now, but that better not be how-"

"Oh archons no!" you looked at her with horror, not realising that Atea had been going to the hot springs at night, only focussing on that Atea knew that Mavuika was your baby's mother.

"Okay, okay... eat your snacks and drink your drink before going home, okay? Are either of your sisters going to pick you up, or should I ask Mualani escort you back?" Atea questioned, waving to the hydro user who had been working at her parents shop as you two talked.

"Um... they don't know I'm here, they're both working and I was trying to figure out when to tell her but... then I heard she was nearby at the stadium, and ended up here..." you admitted, avoiding the stern look on the older women's face at the realisation of how far you'd walked.

"That's a long way for you to walk alone in your condition-"

"What condition? Are you alright?" Mualani enquired as you realised she'd made her way over.

"I'm fine, totally fine, nothing's wrong, everything is fine, right, Atea?" you stumbled over your words, looking towards the woman in question who only nodded in agreement.

"Mualani, I need you to take this one back to the stadium. There's no way for you both to make it to the Flower-Feather Clan before nightfall. Go slowly, only one of you has a weapon, so no unnecessary combat. Take plenty of snacks and water with you too."

"Okay, okay, no risky travel. I'd ask why but... you both are being weird, so. Are you ready to go now? I heard the Pyro Archon is coming to hang out with her 'hot spring buddies' and-"

"Yeah!" you cleared your throat, trying to hide your panic that Mavuika was probably on her way here already, "it's a long walk when you can't take risky shortcuts. Sorry Mualani. I'll see you another time, Atea?" turning to look at the older woman, but she only frowned slightly, reaching over to pet your head gently with an unexplainable look in her eyes.

"Travel safe now." Atea stated, turning on her heel to walk away, on a course with the children who were throwing stones in the hot spring again.

"What was that?" you whispered, frowning as Mualani began to guide you back to the stadium, where you could stay at the Weary Inn for the night.

"The way Auntie Atea spoke... are you sick or something?" the hydro user enquired as the two of you walked up the path.

"Or something..." you avoided her eyes, sipping from the waterskin that Atea had provided.

"Oh, okay. But you're going to be okay?"

"Eventually..." hopefully give or take nine or ten months, you thought to yourself as you avoided giving Mualani any real answers.

It was nearing sunset when you two reached the stadium, Mualani walking you to the Weary Inn to rest, before she left you with a quick hug, stating she was going to see Kachina and Xilonen at the Children of Echos before heading home.

"Please be careful." You advised her as she headed out, leaving you to retire to your room, laying down to rest as you watched the sun set from the window.

You should probably have eaten, but your exhuastion was taking hold, leaving you to drift into a gentle slumber. The door to your room opening went unheard by you; her heels on the floor as she removed them also caused you no distress as sleep kept its hold.

Only when a body laid down next to yours, arms wrapping around to hold you against her chest, did you stir slightly. Forcing your eyes open slightly, your panic immediately was quelled as you spotted her fiery hair. Mavuika...

[wireman-au]

Your name is Impulse. You are currently standing outside the seemingly-abandoned split-level family home that belongs to your good friend Tango. You have the keys to the house; Tango gave them to you years ago. He said that in emergencies, you are allowed to go into his house whenever you want. You think it's an emergency. Skizzleman thinks you need some sleep. You think you need the police to listen to you, first.

Here are some other facts you know:

The first seventy-two hours of a missing persons case are the most important.

You haven't slept for nearly thirty of those hours.

Tango wouldn't just skip out on one of your board game nights, not even for something important at work.

The police say Tango often goes out of town without telling anyone for long stretches of a time; it comes with his classified job.

He's always told you, though.

"I really don't think this is a good idea, buddy," Skizz says, nervously looking around the front yard as you jiggle the key in the lock. He's come with you, because he's a good friend, and also a bit of a pushover. Because you're also a good friend, you have not told him that it's a pushover thing to do, coming with you to break into Tango's house if he thinks it's a bad idea, but hey, you aren't going to stop him, now are you?

"Relax. He said we could come in for emergencies," you say, jiggling the key again with annoyance. If Tango's changed his locks, you're going to be tempted to break a window.

"I mean, you think Tango's missing, right?" Skizz says.

"Know," you correct.

"Know," agrees Skizz, although you're pretty sure he's just humoring you. It's hard to tell, on account of having not slept in the past day. "It's just, you know, if he's missing, and the police investigate, if we've broken in recently it won't look good."

"I mean, I wouldn't have to do this if they'd just listen to me!" you say. The door finally opens. You stumble inside. Oh, Tango just hadn't fixed the pin in the lock that liked to get stuck. No changed locks. Good.

"Dude, you know I'm with you, one hundred percent, but I think if you just sleep for a moment--"

"I don't have time to take a nap right now!" you say, maybe a bit meaner than you meant to. In your defense, you haven't slept.

You walk into Tango's house. It largely looks normal. Suspicious; Tango's house never looks normal. As you look around for things that might be hidden, you consider additional facts you know:

Tango missed board game night yesterday, but you haven't seen him for at least two days before that.

You live two neighborhoods over; the number of times you run into each other at the grocery store is immense.

You've never liked his job.

The police said not to worry; Tango is an adult.

The first seventy-two hours of a missing persons case are the most important.

"I know, I know," Skizz says, before pausing. "Huh. Where's all his gizmos?"

"Right?" you say. "He normally has so much weird stuff--ow!"

Skizz rushes over to you. "You good?"

"Yeah just--my head hurts."

"Migraines are a symptom of--"

"I know!"

You stand in Tango's weirdly empty living room. You breathe. You try to deal with the sudden wave of dizziness that's overcome you. You breathe. It starts to fade. Your head still hurts.

"Anyway," you say. "We don't have infinite time. Now, if I were Tango, where would I hide proof I'd been kidnapped or murdered or something?"

"Dude. Don't suggest murder already," mutters Skizz, but, loyally, he starts to look around with you. You're really lucky, having good friends like that who can actually sleep.

Another spike of pain runs through your head.

[CONNECTION GRANTED.]

The sooner you can figure this all out, the better.

[agaypanic]

Hi! I have a request for Micheal Kelso x reader where it’s like the storyline with him and Brooke except when reader tells kelso she’s pregnant they decide to get married

Better a Friend Than a Stranger (Michael Kelso X Pregnant!Reader)

Masterlist

Request Something!

Summary: After having a drunk hook up with one of your friends, you agree to pretend it never happened. But soon you find out that there’s growing evidence of your one night stand with Michael Kelso.

A/N: mentions of pregnancy (duh) and throwing up. reader is in the friend group, not a one night stand with a stranger thing like kelso and brooke were at the concert

***

If you’ve ever hooked up with Michael Kelso, more often than not, you don’t want to admit it. It’s not that he’s bad in bed. It’s just that he’s, well… Kelso. A horny goofball who’s dumber than a dog half the time. 

If you’ve ever hooked up with a close friend, more often than not, you don’t want to admit it. A lot of times, it happens because of a lapse of judgment or a spur of the moment. If your other friends knew, the group dynamic would become unbalanced. 

So when you hooked up with one of your best friends, Michael Kelso, you immediately made him swear to secrecy when you woke up the next morning. He pouted about it, wanting to brag about his recent lay. But Kelso agreed it would be best to keep the little drunken mistake between you. You got dressed, grabbed some breakfast, and headed over to Eric’s to hang out with the gang and pretend that you hadn’t fucked the night before.

A few weeks later, you started to feel uneasy. You had no clue what the cause could be. Thinking back, you hadn’t eaten anything bad or weird, or been around anyone who was sick. 

But when you had to call out of work because you suddenly started throwing up one morning, and then the next few mornings after that, you knew something was definitely wrong.

“I just don’t know what it could be.”

“Are you sure it’s a cold?” Donna asked. Being your closest and probably most responsible friend, you asked her to accompany you to the pharmacy. “I mean, you don’t really look like you have a cold.”

“Well, I’m sick with something.” You sighed in desperation. “I’ve been throwing up almost every day for the past two weeks. I can barely keep anything down, but somehow, I’m gaining weight. I just don’t get it.”

While looking in the medicine aisle for something to treat your symptoms, you didn’t notice Donna leave your side with haste. She came back just as quick, startling you by thrusting some boxes into your hand.

“No.” You said immediately after reading what the box contained. “No way.”

You looked up at Donna, who looked back at you deadly serious. “Yes, way, Y/n.”

“There’s no way I’m pregnant, Donna.” But you yourself weren’t even convinced by your words.

“When was the last time you got your period?”

Donna looked at you quizzically, becoming more and more alarmed the longer it took you to answer.

“...Fuck.”

***

“What am I gonna do, Donna?”

You sounded completely drained, sitting on your bed defeated. In your hands were three pregnancy tests that you had just taken, all positive. You kept looking at them, waiting for them to change to negative signs. But they never did.

“Well…” Donna gently wrapped her arm around your shoulders, pulling you into her side. “You’re not in school anymore, which is good.”

“I think that’s the only good thing.”

You and your friend sat in silence for a minute, trying to wrap your heads around the situation you found yourself in. “Y/n, who’s the father?”

You stiffened at the question. Unfortunately, you knew exactly who it was. “Fuck.”

“Who is it?” Donna took you out of her comforting hold and grabbed you by the shoulders so you were face to face. You clearly didn’t want to answer. “Y/n, it can’t be that bad, right?” She laughed. “I mean, it’s not like it’s Kelso’s or something.”

Your eyes widened at the name before darting around the room to avoid Donna’s gaze. She gasped.

“No.”

“...Yeah.”

“No.”

“Yes, Donna. Yes!” You wriggled out of her now iron grip and fell back on the bed, looking up at your ceiling. “I slept with Kelso, and now I’m carrying a Kelso baby.”

Donna looked at you with complete disbelief, and you honestly couldn’t blame her. Although you loved Kelso, sleeping with him, drunk or sober, was considered a bit of a low. “Y/n, I think I just have one question.” You yelped as Donna whacked you on the shoulder. “How could you be so stupid?!”

“Hey! Don’t hit me, I’m pregnant!” You pouted, lightening the mood just the slightest bit. You sighed. “Look, we were both drunk. And we used a condom, but I guess it broke or something. But in the morning, we agreed to never speak of it.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to speak of it.” Donna pointed at your stomach. “It’ll be better for him to find out from you directly instead of seeing your stomach be the size of a watermelon.”

You shuddered at the thought and sighed, hating that Donna was right. “I know.” 

***

Before telling Kelso about your situation, you avoided him for a few days. Well, not him specifically. You didn’t want to be in the Forman’s basement because you didn’t know how you’d react to the constant lingering smell of weed. Kelso, along with the rest of your friends, just happened to always be in the Formans’ basement.

But you had to tell Kelso eventually. So, after a week of wallowing in your house, you drove to the Formans.

As you pulled over to park on the street, you saw the boys playing basketball while Donna and Jackie chatted on the hood of the Vista Cruiser. Getting out of your car, you didn’t know if your stomach was turning from your nervousness or your breakfast.

You sped over to the girls, doing your best to avoid the rowdy boys and their somewhat rogue basketball. “Y/n, where have you been?” Jackie asked pointedly, scooting over to make room for you between her and Donna. “You can’t just leave me to be surrounded by testosterone for a whole week.”

“Um, Jackie?” Donna narrowed her eyes at the small girl. “You do know I’m a girl too, right?”

Jackie laughed. “Not by the way you dress, Donna.”

“Sorry.” You butted in. You were nervous enough as it is; you didn’t need to deal with this squabble. “I was getting over a bug.”

“You were sick?” The three of you were startled by Kelso towering over you. He tossed the ball in his hands to the side. “Donna, play for me.” You knew your friend wanted to say something about Kelso bossing her around, but you also knew she wanted you to talk to him alone. So she caught the basketball Kelso tossed her and started playing with the other boys. Kelso took her seat next to you. “You were sick?” He asked again.

You nodded. “Still am a bit.”

“Ew.” Jackie jumped off the Vista Cruiser, moving to one of the lounging chairs in Eric’s driveway. 

You laughed at her reaction, turning back to Kelso. “I’m not that sick.”

“Good. Good…” Kelso stared at you for a moment, and you didn’t know why. Then suddenly, he grabbed your elbow and pulled you around and into the Vista Cruiser. Before you could ask why you were now hiding from your friends in Eric’s car, Kelso started talking again. “You know, I can’t stop thinking about that night.”

You sighed. Maybe it was a good thing that you were now away from any listening ears. “Yeah, Kelso, about that night. I-”

“I know we said we’d never talk about it. But…” He trailed off, staring at you again. “God, I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“Kelso…”

“And I don’t mean that in a ‘I can’t stop thinking about your body’ way. Well, I do, but not just in that way!”

“Kelso.”

“But it’s weird, because I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before. Not even with Jackie, but don’t tell her I said that because even though she’s tiny, she’d kick my ass.”

“Michael!”

“What?”

“I’m pregnant!”

While your friends continued their basketball game, everything in the car stilled. Michael looked like he was gonna throw up. You felt like you were about to. Your lip started to quiver. He was just staring at you.

“Say something.” Your voice wavered slightly, and you took a deep breath to try and calm yourself. “Kelso, please.”

“It’s mine, right?”

Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you nodded. “Yeah, it’s yours.” You looked out through the windshield, too scared to see his reaction. Donna was the only one keeping an eye on you, and it seemed she was debating coming over to help you get through breaking the news. 

But Donna was suddenly out of your sight, because Michael gently grabbed your face and guided your lips to his. Your eyes fluttered shut as you reciprocated the kiss, feeling relieved that Kelso’s reaction was at least affectionate. 

When he reluctantly pulled away, Michael was quick to speak. “I wanna be with you.” The words shocked you into silence, allowing him to continue without fear of rejection. For now, at least. “I know I’m not the most responsible guy, or the smartest, or the- that’s not the point! The point is, ever since that night, I can’t stop thinking about you, Y/n. I want to be with you, I wanna help you raise this kid, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you! Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but I don’t care because-”

You silenced Michael’s mindless rambling by kissing him again. You were so overwhelmed with emotions, you didn’t know what else to do. But the action seemed to ground you both.

When you separated again, Michael had another thing to say. “Let’s get married.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, stroking his cheekbones with your thumbs. “Don’t you think we should date first?”

“There’s plenty of time to date after marriage.” That made you cackle.

“This is so backward.” You said with a sigh. “I always thought it was date, marriage, kids. Not the other way around.”

Michael shrugged, wrapping his arms around you. “Who said we had to do things the traditional way?”

He leaned in to kiss you for a third time, but this time, you were interrupted by the car door behind him opening. You both looked over to see Eric leaning into the car, looking horrified.

“What the hell are you guys doing?” He asked, although it seemed he had a good theory. “Don’t make out in my car.”

“Aw, come on, Eric.” Michael rolled his eyes. “What’s the worst that could happen? I already got her pregnant.”

“What?!”

[sciderman]

sci do you think ur peter would b able to convince wade into like..chastity.. or is that TOO fweaky for the big guy

HAH... you've got them all backwards.

sure, peter could definitely talk wade into chastity. but why would he do that. doesn't sound very beneficial for peter horn-dog parker.

if you mean chastity in the kinky way and not the classic not kinky way, then - i don't know, i don't think it's something peter would think about. peter's a traditional guy. he likes to get from a to b with little fuss. i think it's something wade would have to introduce him to. wade would know all about it. he probably did some weird chastity dynamic with nathan for a time. (it didn't work) (nathan is too much of a sadistic fuck) (he is. he's sadistic. that's why he loves wade so much. he suffers so well.)

i think wade has a sadistic streak too, and presently is torturing peter with a sort-of-chastity routine that wade's too adhd-addled to really commit to and it leaves peter confused and pitiful. he kind of never knows what he's going to get with wade, and wade's giving him mixed signals left right and centre.

peter's trying to keep on top of it, but he knows he's kind of at the mercy of wade's moodswings at the moment. so he's patient, and he'll wait for the clouds to clear.

i think peter could very easily talk wade into a chastity routine. wade's doing it all by himself. but he's miserable and bratty about it. even though he did it to himself.

thing is - the dynamic that wade and peter have right now, peter doesn't impose a lot of authority over wade. he's mostly this ever-patient, ever-forgiving, completely hands-off figure who's letting wade choose his fate and be true to himself in every way he can be. he doesn't want to take any sort of ownership over wade. wade is not his project. and wade isn't a child that should be told what to do. that's how peter sees it. and that should be healthy - but it's a symptom of a bigger problem peter has in that he doesn't exert authority over anything. when - you know, he probably should. it's sexy when he does.

it's very rare. it's very rare, but wade is very into it when peter does exert authority over him.

i think wade wants peter to be more authoritative over him. he's begging for it. so peter kind of just needs to get the memo.

[strongheartneteyam]

Realize where you belong.

Pairing: neteyam sully x female!dreamwalker!reader/female!human!reader

Chapter 6

CW: lots of angst, jealousy is not even the right word to describe neteyam's state anymore, emotionally hurt neteyam, yandere neteyam, reader has a hard time trying to fight her feelings for neteyam, mentions of using someone with the intention of forgetting someone else, mild violence, mentions of sexual fluids, possessive and territorial neteyam, mentions of depressive symptoms, use of alcohol, feelings of fear, tension, confessions of love, fluff. I think that's all (??)

✨ IM BACK ✨ I can't even believe I managed to finally update this fanfic! 😂 All of a sudden I spent days on end being a 24/7 nurse for my spayed kitten and didn't have time for anything + having to give her 2 different pills at 2 different times, all during the am hours, plus another one in the morning, left me SOOO sleep deprived. It was horrible. Thank God she doesn't have to take the pills anymore. ANYWAY lol Guys, in the beginning of the chapter until the middle of it, I think, I know you guys are gonna want to murder me or reader or both (you know that y/n meme with the pic of the blonde girl "choking" her own shadow in the wall, saying like "babe this is not us" or smth? so… pretty much that! lol) BUT I PROMISE it's gonna be really good in the end 🥲 trust me, please 🥺 it's the moment most of us (yes, me included!) have been waiting for! 💕 Also, this is a longer chapter, compared to the usual. Maybe a compensation for my absence? Idk! lol I just hope you guys like it! haha OKAY if I say anything else, it'll be a spoiler lol love y'all to death!!! my readers are my babies, my lil angels… I truly freaking love you guys so much!!! 🫀⚘

Not proofread.

Chapter 5

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

I can see you standing, honey, with his arms around your body

Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all

(...)

I can see you staring, honey, like he's just your understudy

Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me

Second, third, and hundredth chances

Balancin' on breaking branches

Those eyes add insult to injury 

exile (Taylor Swift, Bon Iver)

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

The air was thick and chaotic at the Olo'eyktan's hut that morning. Everyone seemed to be a bit too restless, either getting ready to go show up to their duties to the clan, like Neytiri, or thinking about some personal struggle, like Kiri, who was lost in thought, looking a bit sad. But she was also mixing some herbs and flowers, preparing a thick, violet colored substance that was used to treat wounds, that she would later give to Neytiri. Kiri would always help Neytiri a lot, assisting her in her Tsahìk position in the Omatikaya clan.

But Neteyam still stood out among the whole family. He was unmistakably grumpy that morning, Lo’ak noticed, as he was - once again - watching the weird way his older brother was behaving. Neteyam was not being his usual calm and caring self. He was not trying to take care of everyone, not giving out smiles and trying to cheer his siblings up. He was even distracted when Jake was giving him instructions about how today's training would go and giving him other orders, like telling him to keep an eye on Tuk whenever he's able to, as she was growing and becoming even smarter, more energetic and mischievous and was starting to get into more trouble, sometimes even picking fights with other girls in the clan, becoming a bit too much like Lo'ak, which had been making Jake rub the sides of his forehead in worry lately, way more often than he liked to admit.

"The Mighty Warrior, distracted when dad is telling him what to do?! What the fuck is happening?!" Lo'ak thought. Something was very wrong. And Lo’ak was determined to find out what it was.

Neteyam sat with his legs slightly open, his hands were crossed, his elbows resting on his knees. He had a lost stare in his eyes, gazing at the nothingness, looking like he was mad at someone who had just maybe punched him in the face.

He did not know how to deal with it all, that turmoil of emotions you were causing inside him felt overwhelming to the Sullys first born. He had taken on just so many challenges throughout his life and conquered most of them, but he feared you were gonna be a war that he might lose. He had to admit it bruised his ego. Suddenly, he did not feel like such a Mighty Warrior after all. An adversary that most people would judge as a weak one compared to him, a mere human girl, so small in comparison to his size, was defeating him. Suddenly all his skills with bows, arrows, big knives and even big, intimidating shotguns were not enough.

And Neteyam felt lost. He did not know what to do. For the first time in his life, his rational and smart brain could not seem to produce a war strategy that could help him win. Win you. He felt just like a wounded warrior, bleeding on the floor.

༊⁀➷

You decided to finally answer Derek’s messages today, after ghosting him for a while. You were feeling weird and lonely. And shaken. God, still so shaken... What the hell happened last night? Did that really happen? Was it all just a dream? You could swear those words Neteyam Suli had given you, about how he was in love with you, that his hauntingly tall and broad figure, vulnerable, kneeling on the ground in front of you, telling you he could tell you desired him too, had all been just part of a weird, eerie, anxious, borderline wet dream.

You knew very well what you were doing to Derek. You were using him to forget about the mess Neteyam was making of you. You knew that was wrong and you did feel guilty and ashamed. But you also knew you had to step back into your old reality, into that familiar world, into your comfort zone, a place where there were only regular human guys interested in you, not that current unsettling reality you were living in - you could still swear it had all just been a dream. Or a nightmare, perhaps. You were not sure -, where there was an almost 10 feet tall alien boy pursuing you, declaring his love and his nearly inappropriate desire for you, talking about the intimate parts of your body in a way that made you uncomfortable, anxious but... that lured you in too, at the same time. You needed an escape from it all. Your already disturbed mind did not seem able to deal with those facts at that moment and Derek seemed like the perfect distraction. 

Damn, what had you become? That was not ethical or moral at all - using a human being like a tool to distract you from your conflicting emotions - but you did not seem to be capable of caring too much about being ethical or moral at that time. Your whole perception of the world seemed to be changing. You felt bedazzled and unsteady. You did not want to admit to yourself that you were starting to feel too much for Neteyam, that you were running away from your feelings like a thief runs away with an expensive item he just robbed. No, you were not in love with him. How could that even be? Everybody knew the na’vi don’t get romantically involved with humans. Your races were more like enemies than buddies. There were only a few humans who were loyal to the na'vi and maintained a somewhat close relationship with them, but never a romantic one. What was making you and Neteyam feel like that for each other? That could only bring problems and you sure as hell did not want more trouble in your already complicated life.

You would be better off sticking to a human male instead. It was safe and familiar. It did not make your anxiety skyrocket. But it also did not excite you a single bit. Derek caused you nothing. You could barely even feel actually turned on when he touched your body and kissed your lips. It was just like he was a habit you had gotten used to, making out with him here and there, to numb the pain you felt inside your heart almost all the time. His biggest efforts to make you wet never seemed to work. Meanwhile, Neteyam got you wet without having ever touched you. That sure spoke loud enough. 

So why were you rejecting Neteyam and going after Derek?

Maybe you felt too afraid to take a risk, to follow your heart. God knows following that damn reddish muscular organ had put you in the worst situations possible in the past. You felt numb but you felt safe. And safe felt good. Bearable, at least. You were afraid if you gave into what you felt for Neteyam you just might explode. The feelings were that strong. You did not know what to do to try and ignore that tiny but extremely annoying creature inside your brain that would always be whispering “What if something actually good came out of it? Take a risk. For once in your life, don’t play it safe.”

But you were choosing to play it safe, anyway. At least this afternoon. You were gonna meet Derek, after two weeks without doing so, and just hang out, eat junk food, drink some alcohol and talk about non important things, just laugh and be silly, like you two always used to do. He was a good friend. Too bad he never made any type of fire light up inside of you, not even in the very beginning of your rendezvous, that’s why you never got to have sex with him. You were simply not interested. At all, to be honest. You wondered why you still insisted on being physically intimate with him. There were many things in your life that you did and did not really think too much about. They were just pure routine, they just kinda happened and you let them, almost like you weren't really living your life, but only a mere spectator to the events that were happening to you. And it seemed like you felt too emotionally numb to put an end to them. Your involvement with Derek was one of those things. He started to flirt with you one day, you were bored and you thought "why not?" and now, months later, you were still caught in this situation. If anyone asked you if there was any other reason why you were gonna see Derek today other than to try and get Neteyam out of your mind, you honestly couldn't say there was. It was crystal clear to you that, even though you were fighting like crazy to deny your feelings for Neteyam, you were indeed falling for him.

But how could that be? Some days ago, he was only an Omatikaya famous warrior - and, oh, let's not forget, the next Olo'eyktan of their clan - that you had only heard people talk about.

༊⁀➷

Neteyam was up in one of the highest tree branches he could find that day. He did not want anybody to see him, as usual, but he also did not want you to know he was watching you, either. He knew you were now aware of his constant presence around you. He knew you were not oblivious to his love anymore.

The sun was harassing his eyes, so he put his hand over them and squinted hard to try and see if the guy next to you, in the laboratory’s cafeteria, was really who he thought it was. When his eyes could get a better view, once the sun was not bothering them so much anymore, he felt something sinking in his stomach and his heartbeat accelerated considerably.

He had just confirmed who the guy was. It was that disgusting little human male that liked to act like you were his mate. Neteyam hissed ferociously, his protruding na’vi fangs looking scarier than ever, as his wide feline eyes watched Derek leaning close to your face and kissing your lips. Neteyam wanted to die - or maybe kill Derek - when he noticed you kissed him back.

༊⁀➷

You forced a smile while looking at Derek, after you had the initiative to break that damn kiss who seemed to never end. He seemed satisfied with the fact that you two had just kissed, contrary to what you were feeling. You honestly felt like you wanted to throw up. All you could think about was how it would feel to kiss Neteyam, to smell his scent again, that was so abundantly different from what you were used to, but that fact only seemed to make you want him even more.

You looked away to try and forget the ridiculous mistake you were making by being with Derek at that moment. You were looking at the ground and your gaze moved upwards. Now your eyes were directed towards the outside of the lab. What you saw startled you beyond reason. Neteyam was squatting, up in the branches of a huge tree, not too close but not too far from the part of the laboratory you and Derek were currently in. His fangs were out, seeming bigger than ever, as he hissed ferociously. Neteyam's animalistic side had completely taken over him and you could tell.

A chill ran down your spine. You could feel in your guts something bad was about to happen.

Your heart throbbed in pain as you saw how hurt he was now that he had seen you kissing Derek, even after he - Neteyam - had confessed his feelings for you in such a vulnerable way last eclipse. You saw in his eyes how betrayed he felt, like you were just silently telling him that his love did not matter at all to you and you'd rather be with any other guy but him.

༊⁀➷

"Hey, I'm going outside for a while, 'kay?" Derek spoke as he got up from the place he had been sitting, beside you, kissing your cheek "The boys are gonna meet me behind the lab in a while. "

Oh, no. Derek would not be safe if he went outside. Not with Neteyam spilling hate for him out of his soul like that. You had to try and find a way to keep Derek inside.

"Oh." You said, not being able to conceal your nervousness "Why don't you wait for them to actually get there before you go?!" You almost begged, visibly tense

"God, you seem nervous." He chuckled slightly, seeming uncomfortable " Is everything alright?"

"Yeah! I just want you to spend some more time with me." You pouted at him, coming up with an excuse to try and keep Derek from going out of the lab

"Sorry, sugar. It was nice hanging out and stuff but I really need to go now." He was already walking fast towards the door before you could try and talk him out of that stupid idea

You couldn't let any of the people in that cafeteria know something was up, so, you pretended everything was alright and finished eating your chips and took the last sip of your canned whisky and coke and stood up, walking slowly (when you actually wanted to freaking run) in the direction of the lab's metal door that led to outside.

You put your oxygen mask on, took a deep breath and walked out the door. 

You heard a noise, it was like a really heavy object falling to the floor. You also heard some strong thuds.

When you started to walk around to try and see what was happening, you realized your fear had become reality. Neteyam was sitting on top of Derek’s squirming body, his toned, striped thighs straddling Derek’s torax. You gasped when you realized Derek was no longer wearing his oxygen mask and Neteyam's huge hand was over Derek's mouth, preventing him from screaming for help. Neteyam looked at him like a hunter looks at their prey, while his big fangs and loud hisses put fear in the human boy's eyes. Derek was completely terrified.

Your heart beat sped up insanely and your hands were now cold as ice. You were afraid for Derek’s life.

You knew that the way Neteyam was taking out his frustration and jealousy on Derek was indescribably far from okay but still, as cruel to Derek as it seemed, you still felt incredibly sorry for the Omatikaya in front of you.

At the end of the day, you had a big percentage of blame for what he was doing right now. You were confused and afraid and torn but you knew to whom your heart belonged and it was not Derek. So why the hell were you being so selfish to the point of hurting two boys at the same time just because you didn't know how to deal with your own feelings? You realized it was time for you to stop being a coward and put an end to that madness.

You could tell Neteyam was not okay mentally and you knew that you were being toxic too, that you were contributing for his mental state to get worse with your indecisiveness and fear, despite his efforts to show you he would never hurt you. You wanted to stop hurting him and help him instead, to finally let go and admit to yourself and to him that yes, despite the way you had been acting, you were in love with him too.

"Neteyam, don't!! Let him go, please!!" You shouted, running towards the human and the na'vi boy.

You finally got close to Neteyam. He stopped and looked at you, his eyes so fiery, the calm golden pools they always used to be were now boiling with feelings of anger, jealousy, hurt and betrayal.

"For me! Please?" You pleaded him, looking deep into his eyes while stroking his strong blue arm

You watched that beast inside of Neteyam slowly calm down, as his feline ears pointed downwards and his eyes became softer. He moved his hand away from Derek’s mouth and the human boy let out a series of labored breaths. Neteyam slowly got off of him, revealing his beyond intimidating height as he stood up, and stepped away from him.

You walked as fast as you could to where Derek's oxygen mask was laying on the floor and picked it up, checking if was broken (it wasn't! Thank you, Universe.) and went back to where he was lying down and gave it back to him.

Neteyam watched your movements and felt jealous when you got close to Derek, so, once you got back to the place where you were standing before, Neteyam stood right next to your arm. His instincts told him to mark his territory.

Derek swiftly put it back on. He was almost completely out of breath. Derek breathed in deep once the mask was covering his face, taking in all the oxygen he possibly could.

"Are you okay?" You looked down at Derek’s body, searching for any visible wounds. There were none, at best. "God, I'm so sorry about this…"

"Yeah, I'm fine, somehow." Derek seemed afraid, shocked, frustrated and angry, all simultaneously, as he got off the floor and got back on his feet

"Please, don't tell anyone that you saw Neteyam or that he tried to hurt you, okay?"

"What the fuck?!! This psycho almost tried to kill me!! Why are you defending him?!"

Neteyam hissed at him when he heard what he had just called him but you squeezed his arm and he looked at you, remembering your pleas were the thing that were keeping him from killing that small, pink male. Even though it hurt him deeply that you were protecting that human, he couldn't bring himself to ignore you when you were begging him not to hurt Derek. You had Neteyam in the palm of your hand.

"You don't understand! If you let anyone in that lab know what Neteyam did to you, the RDA will eventually know about it too! Do you understand how serious this is? Do you wanna see Neteyam dead?!" You urged him, looking deep into his eyes "You could even help start another war between the humans and the na'vi. Do you understand that it is a much bigger issue than it seems to be? Just forget about what happened and I'll make sure Neteyam won't ever try to hurt you again."

Derek smirked in contempt 

"How can you be so sure he will listen to you?"

"I know he will! He loves me. And… I love him too."

Derek’s face had a big question mark all over it now and his mouth fell open.

Neteyam seemed to be shocked for a while. He did not expect you to say that, at all. He thought you would never love him back. Neteyam couldn't seem to believe those words had actually just come out of your mouth.

You breathed in deep, trying to stay calm amidst all that chaos "This thing between us…" You looked at Derek "It's over. I don't know why I was still insisting on it, I never even felt attracted to you, in the first place. I'm sorry."

"I'm outta here! All of this shit that's going on… feels like a fucking nightmare"

"Can you do as I said and not tell anyone about Neteyam? Nobody, ever? Please?!" You were nervous, brows furrowed, talking fast

"Okay!! Just let me go now! I think it's better if you and I keep some distance from each other from now on. I don't want your crazy na'vi boyfriend trying to kill me again." 

Neteyam hissed at Derek again when he heard the word "crazy" and Derek rapidly looked at him, startled, but couldn't be brave enough to spend more than some seconds staring at him, so, he swiftly looked away 

"Neteyam, please!! He's going already." You looked at Neteyam, a bit angry and impatient, asking him to calm down "Just go, Derek." You spit out and sighed, feeling physically and mentally drained after having to stop that stupid fight

Derek finally turned his back to you and Neteyam and left.

You looked at Neteyam. His eyes were glued on you. Those pretty amber eyes. His face wasn't full of hatred and anger anymore. His demeanor was much calmer now. His body language radiated love towards you. His tail was wagging softly. You felt pain and regret consuming your chest. How could you have treated Neteyam so badly last night? You realized now you couldn't hold him to the same standards you hold human males. The na'vi are animalistic beings, in spite of their high intelligence. And worse, how could you be irresponsible enough to kiss Derek even not actually wanting to, making Neteyam see it and get as hurt as he did? You sure were being trashy.

"My tawtute…" he cooed as he turned to look in your eyes "I won't let you run away from me anymore." Neteyam had a big smile on his lips "I don't care if you try to. That's all I needed to hear, that you love me. Now that you've said it, even if you didn't say it directly to me, I'm gonna fight for you even harder, even if you keep trying to push me away, I will keep bothering you." He kept smiling, blissful "You're like an Ikran. I just need to be patient with you. Eventually, I'll tame you and you'll be mine. All mine, hi'ì 'emyu." (small cook) "Bonded to me through tsaheylu. I can be patient and I will be."

You could only look at him, stare at his face and ask yourself why. Why was he willing to put so much work into making you his mate? 

"I'm not gonna run away from you anymore." You finally said "I'm done running. I'm done keeping myself miserable and alone because I'm too afraid to trust you and let you in. While trying to keep myself "safe", I was hurting myself and hurting you. I'm not doing that anymore, Neteyam. I was so stupid… I can't really say what it is, but there's just something about you… I think about you all the time, since the first time I saw you when you appeared for me outside that window. I don't believe someone can fall in love so fast but…" You were about to burst into tears "I'm in love with you."

Neteyam looked at you with the biggest smile on his plump lips, while his heart beat uncommonly fast inside his chest. He was overwhelmed with joy but as he was seeing the tears welling up in your eyes, he felt like he was about to cry too. But he didn't. Having learned throughout his whole life to always act with self control and rationality in front of everyone, - not really by choice, but because he knew that was how the Olo'eyktan to be should act, to keep a good reputation, to let his people know he was strong enough to control his emotions and not let them get in the way of him making good decisions for the Omatikaya - his ability to show some aspects of his feelings was a bit impaired now and that included crying. Even though he almost cried in front of you when you rejected him, he couldn't bring himself to cry of joy, now that you were saying that you wanna be with him too.

"I'm sorry for… what you saw. Me and Derek. I never liked him, Neteyam. He was just-"

"Yawne, no." Neteyam interrupted " It's okay. I don't wanna hear about that human." He looked disgusted only by the thought of Derek "And I don’t want you thinking about him either. You're mine now. Just forget about him. It's me that you like, right?" He gave you a gentle smile now and you nodded your head positively "Then focus on me, yawntutsyìp."

You looked at him, shyly, and smiled

"So… Can I ask for a hug, now?" your heart beat fast inside your chest cavity as you nervously said that

"Oeyä tawtute…" (my human) "You don't even need to ask." He opened his big, strong arms as he spoke "Come here."

༊⁀➷

Taglist: @kitsunefirewail @tumblingdevils @a-blog-name-2003 @xylobee @nerdybouquetofkittens-blog @henhouse-horrors @lala-1516 @xylianasblog @samistars @crazy4books1 @explosiongamora @lik0 @your-girl-mj @darktyrantwinner @sereisstuff @yeosxxx @die4niyahhh @iman-lu @manumanulau @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @hana-yuri @thehoneymushroomhealer @melllinaa @annaibansworld @siriuslysmoking @avatar4eva @ellabellabus07 @badbishsblog @neteyamsmate4life @c-h-i-l @criticallybella

[lilcreaturethingfromthewoods]

For ppl studying Dracula - character study

it is time.

I am talking to y'all about possibly one of the most underrated and interesting (to me) characters in classical literature.

We are talking about Renfield.

I'm going to be talking for a while, so bear with me.

So when we first meet him, he’s introduced to us as Seward’s ‘pet lunatic’, who has a weird (gross) habit of collecting flies and spiders and eating them. But it quickly becomes clear how perceptive he is - he can tell when Dracula arrives and refers to him as ‘master’. It seems that Renfield is being set up as an antagonist at first with this almost religious worship of and possible connection to Dracula, but the more we see of him, the harder he becomes to understand. There are times when he’s the ‘pet lunatic’ with his flies and spiders, other times when he’s more excited and talking about ‘the Master’, but most importantly, there are intervals when he is very well-spoken and lucid, seemingly sane - and the interesting thing about these lucid states is that they occur at specific times, usually towards sunrise and sunset; which, if you pay attention to the timings, are THE EXACT TIMES WHEN DRACULA’S POWER IS DIMINISHED. The most important example, in my opinion, is when Renfield asks Seward (together with Van Helsing, Quincey and Arthur) to let him go home. He starts very calm, arguing his point eloquently and sensibly, trying to prove how sane he is in the moment. Seward refuses, and Renfield continues to talk, becoming more and more frustrated and desperate until he is almost hysterical, unwittingly convincing them of his insanity. But why is he so desperate to leave at this very moment? Well, the very next day is when Mina starts becoming tired and lethargic - incidentally, the very same symptoms Lucy showed when Dracula started drinking her blood. Coincidence? I very much think not. What is more, this impassioned plea to be allowed to leave happens at four in the morning - in other words, just before dawn. In other words, Renfield KNEW that, if he stayed, he would not be able to stop Dracula getting in (even if he didn’t know who he was after), and he had to leave right then because it was the only time he was actually in control of his own mind.

But the biggest thing about Renfield - he is found, beaten up with a broken back after Dracula has paid a visit. Why did Dracula bother? Because Renfield realised that he had been feeding on Mina, who was the first person to treat him as a fellow human being instead of a ‘pet lunatic’. Let me repeat: it was RENFIELD who realised. Nobody else. Not Van Helsing, who is supposed to be the vampire expert. Not her own husband, who has been at close quarters with Dracula before. No, it took RENFIELD to figure it out, despite being not entirely sane and only having seen Mina TWICE. And he ATTACKS Dracula. Unlike everyone else, he has no weapons or crucifix or anything. He attacks Dracula BAREHANDED, relying only on his hysterical strength to stop him feeding off Mina. Of course he gets hopelessly beat up. And then, despite his inherent dislike of Seward, he tells him and the others about Dracula and Mina - and pays the ultimate price when Dracula, having been confronted and chased away from Mina, takes out his anger on Renfield and smashes his face in.

But why does Renfield act the way he does? What got him into the asylum in the first place? Presumably, it's to do with the flies and spiders. After all, sane people normally don't collect flies in their room, feed them to spiders, feed the spiders to birds, etc. Yet the reasoning behind his madness is laid out when he talks to Mina about it. His theory, as he explains it, is that life can be indefinitely prolonged by the consumption of blood. Sound like anything familiar?

Renfield worships Dracula because Dracula is everything he wants to achieve. Renfield wants to be a vampire. He wants to find a way to prolong his life indefinitely in the same way Dracula has. He may not even know that much about vampires at all, but like a scientist, he experiments, and it is these experiments that brand him a lunatic.

But wait. If his goal is to become a vampire, and he attempts to attain it by sucking up to Dracula, why does he then attack him? Protecting Mina won't get him closer to immortality - in fact, it leads to his death. So how can this illogical action be explained?

My personal belief is that ultimately, Renfield wants to be accepted. He can't get acceptance from Seward or any of the other people at the asylum. We don't know much about his backstory (which, in my opinion, is criminal), but it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to say that his experiments with prolonging life were a method to prove himself and gain acceptance. Maybe he used to work with someone who died, or was trying to save people with terminal illnesses. Towards the beginning of the novel, he willingly volunteers as Dracula's slave in order to gain his acceptance and possibly attain the state of vampirism.

So when he talks to Mina and she addresses him as an equal, and treats him as an intelligent human being, she has already accepted him - possibly the first time he has experienced something like this. No, I don't ship it, but this is an important turning point for the character which sets up his redemption.

Renfield is mad, but he is also extremely intelligent. As I mentioned, he is the first to notice Mina's illness. He was clearly well-educated. Again, it is criminal that we didn't get more of his backstory.

And this is why I need a Dracula adaptation in which Renfield joins the monster-hunting gang and gets Dracula busted in half the time the rest of them took.

[circular-bircular]

“You can have DID without trauma!”

Vent art. Mod “Armageddon.” Tw for COCSA and general abuse.

You are a system. You have DID. You do not know this.

You go through 15 years, not knowing this — just existing in a haze, having such a bright childhood, one you grasp for later in the dark moments, trying desperately to hold onto it.

At 15, you realize, wait. I think something’s wrong. You realize you don’t feel like “yourself” — and even more alarming, you don’t know who “you” even are. You hear voices, suddenly, in your head. You find notes you clearly wrote, but it’s someone else’s handwriting, someone else’s words to “you.”

You just need to figure out who “you” is.

You go to your sexual abuser abusive romantic partner best friend because your abusive neglectful overbearing parents would never understand, or might be too worried about you. You ask them, “What’s wrong with me? I’m scared. I’m confused. I feel like I’m going to die.”

They smile. They want you, they need you to stay, and to stay you can’t be scared. “Don’t worry — that’s normal.”

You sigh in relief. Thank goodness. You’re fine. You’re okay. Nothing is wrong. The voices are just normal things everyone else experiences. The fun imaginative things in my head are normal. The fighting, screaming, sobbing, fear, need to run, need to love, need to help everyone while fully believing you’re about to get hit, or touched, or watched, always watched—

Don’t worry. That’s normal.

You are a system. You have DID. You do not know this.

You are 19. You’re not sure when that happened — isn’t time silly that way? You are normal. You were a bit “quirky” and “cringy” in high school, roleplaying a lot. You do not remember the voices in your head. You do not remember their names. You do not remember two entire years of high school, and you do not remember that you have forgotten.

You see a student presentation in class about a story, and how the main character could be read as having dissociative identity disorder. “The symptoms come from childhood trauma,” the student says, “but people don’t always remember their trauma.”

She describes the symptoms. You feel… weird. Why does that sound so familiar? So normal? You laugh a little and look around, expecting everyone else to be rolling their eyes at such an obvious observation. How ridiculous of psychologists to diagnose a very normal thing, right? But everyone else is nodding along, very interested, and the professor praises the student for her psychological lens, and “valuable research gathering on a rare disorder.”

You don’t remember going to your dorm, or the test you took that day online. The next thing you remember is not being “you” anymore, because “you” is locked in a room in your mind, and now you’re someone else, sobbing at the website you’ve pulled up. It’s about dissociative identity disorder.

You’re not you. You’re someone else.

You go to your best friend. You tell them everything at 4am, sobbing because you don’t know what to do anymore, and you’re scared, because you don’t know who you are.

“You’re not crazy. This isn’t normal, but you aren’t crazy. I believe you.”

You breathe for the first time in years months weeks days.

You are 19. You have DID. You think.

There’s only one problem; you don’t have trauma. You do. It’s there. They hurt you so much, you idiot, why can’t you hear the voices screaming that at you? So what on earth are you experiencing?

You try to research it. All you have is a DSM-III and resources on multiple personality disorder. And, of course, tumblr — your home away from home.

You find a war happening. People with trauma versus people who say they have none. They all seem to hear voices, and many are angry and struggling and confused, just like you. You must be like these “plurals” you’ve seen. The ones without trauma but with DID. That’s not what that was, and you know that now, but it’s was so hard to tell back then.

You join them. “I have DID,” you say, “but I don’t have trauma.”

“That’s okay!” They tell you. “You can have DID without trauma.”

What a relief. You’re normal. You’re fine. You’re not like those anti-endos, you’re told. “They medicalize their systems,” you’re told, “and their therapists are abusing them.” You feel so bad for those poor systems. They’re not like you; you’re fine. You’re normal. Unlike them.

You try to avoid the traumatized ones, but you see so many of them getting angry. They keep yelling about these people who don’t have trauma, who are “appropriating a disorder” — that same disorder you clearly have, but you don’t have trauma.

You crash your car while dissociating so hard that you hallucinate your parts headmates around you. And you are happy, because at least you have a family to take care of you. Isn't it so nice to see your parts headmates in real life?

You're normal. It's okay. You don't have trauma. You don't need trauma to be a system, and you love being a system. No you DON'T, the parts scream, you're dreaming! Wake up! Wake up, please, god, don't let that woman hug you, don't you know what she did--

You keep moving on.

Then you see the arguments that spark something in you. “You need trauma, but the age range is wider than you’d think.”

Your sexual abuser abusive romantic partner best friend from high school. There’d been that time you fell out with her. That time you blew up at her because she’d kissed you in public, blamed you for teasing her too much. You realize how little you remember.

What else have you forgotten?

“I have trauma but it’s well past the age range,” you say to an anti-endo, knowing you shouldn't have spoken to them, because everyone tells you not to -- but none of them are traumatized, and this person is. “What’s wrong with people having this disorder without trauma?”

“There’s decades of research on this,” you’re told. “It sounds like you do have trauma. Consider that you might have some you don’t remember. Otherwise, you don’t have DID.”

You are 19. You have DID, you know it. You ignore this person. “These other people told me I don’t need trauma. You’re just gatekeeping. You’re just wrong. I’m not traumatized. I’m not like you. I’m better.”

You go to the ones who comforted you, listened to you, manipulated you. "I have trauma, I think, but it's past the age those anti-endos talk about, how ridiculous are they?"

"I'm so proud of you for standing up to those sysmeds! A lot of us have been traumatized because of how people treat our system. I'm sorry those anti-endos traumatized you."

"Well, it wasn't them -- but you're right. Anti-endos are traumatizing. They've traumatized me."

You believe the lie you spread, because they spread it first, and it sounds right. You do not mention that you learned you were sexually assaulted by a peer as a child. That would just be trauma dumping, and that would make you no better than a sysmed.

You are 19. You’re “cured” of your DID, because the plurals around you say that if you like your system, you don’t have DID. They say if you can’t remember your trauma, you probably don’t have any, and “most DID is caused by trauma, you just might be a disordered plural.” They call you endogenic, or mixed-origin, or autigenic. Trying to suggest you have DID leads to them talking about those horrible traumatized systems DID systems disordered systems anti-endos.

“You can’t listen to them. You can’t reblog from them. They’re homophobic, racist, transphobic, bigoted, ableist, wrong. Any information they share is ableist.”

You listen. You always have. You roll your eyes good naturedly at them suggesting you don't have trauma -- they just meant your system isn't caused by trauma. They just misspoke. That's all.

... But what if they're right?

You are 20. You are a ????? system. You say you have DID, because you are disordered and fit all of the criteria, and you can have DID without trauma. Maybe you are just plural?

You start getting into fights with systems online. You spread misinformation your experiences. Anyone who disagrees with you is an ableist gatekeeper. You get fakeclaimed and it hurts. Now you are traumatized by anti-endos. You try to avoid them more, falling deeper into those circles that include everyone, including you. They must love you. They love everyone.

You see a post about trauma. You realize, slowly, so so slowly, your parents have hurt you. You remember everything. No??? You remember so little, the voices scream, sob, you can’t remember it because you’re not even trying to. Why bother trying when you can live in denial, and keep getting abused each time you go home, and keep getting hurt worse and worse every single weekend?

You are 20. You are a DID system. You have trauma. You know some of it.

You go to your manipulators harassers friends. “I figured it out! My system was formed my trauma!"

“Oh, you poor soul, who told you that?”

You feel cold. “What?”

“Those awful anti-endos fakeclaiming you-“

You feel isolated. “No?”

“You can’t listen to them. You’re autigenic. You’re being manipulated. You don’t have trauma.”

“My parents-“

“They love you, that’s not abuse. They were rich, that’s not abuse. They only yelled at you, that’s not abuse. You aren’t traumatized — don’t let the anti-endos convince you that you are.”

You are desperate. “But my DID!”

They frown at you. “You don’t need trauma to have DID. Saying otherwise makes you a sysmed."

You leave your friends. They weren’t friends at all.

You isolate. You have nobody. You made it clear that you would not speak to the filth anti-endos traumatized systems like yourself. You have nobody left to talk about your trauma with.

You are 21. You are a traumatized DID system. You only have your partner and in real life friends. Your abusers force you to drink on your birthday, and come into your safe space. You have nightmares for weeks.

Then you’re 22 and you are stuck with your abusers. You can see their faces now. You know the truth. You feel sick.

You are 23. 24. 25. You find new circles. You've researched trauma more, not nearly enough. You briefly become anti-endo, frustrated as you see more and more people hurt like you were, frustrated that the pro-endo spaces do not have any resources for those like you. Then you mellow, you try to divorce your trauma from your experience online. You try to find places to spread research and knowledge, to be traumatized and have people recognize what that means.

You are attacked for being traumatized, because this space has never been safe for trauma victims. You remember how you used to think when you were 19. You remember how you felt when you were left all alone. You try to keep the doors open, but it's so so hard, and you have to take care of yourself too. But you try. God, you try to help others.

You are 26.

You are in so many circles — endogenic, plural, CDD, traumatic, traumagenic, it doesn’t matter. You have so many people.

You see people telling others, “You don’t need trauma to have DID!” You take a deep breath and follow what your disgusting medicalist inclusive and welcoming therapist has taught you about stopping spirals. You try not to say anything deep at first, because you’re clearly triggered, and recent lessons have taught you more that you need can’t be traumatized online without getting hurt badly.

But you see people denying their trauma. Saying, “I don’t remember any trauma, and even if I did have trauma, I don’t feel like I do."

You remember being that way. You remember not remembering. You remember how your parents sexually abused you, now, even after you thought you’d remembered it all. You remember how your parents hit you and neglected you alongside their overbearing lack of boundary keeping. You remember how you convinced yourself it wasn’t trauma.

You remember how you went back, for years, because of what people said.

You could have left at 19. You had the chance. The options. The doors to freedom were wide open, and you did not step out, because you thought your cage was already freedom.

How much sooner could you have been free if you had simply acknowledged you had trauma, and it had been made clear that it was okay to have trauma? That it would be safe to leave? That you deserved to be able to leave?

You do research. You've done research. You try to find proof of endogenic -- of non-trauma -- DID. You find fakeclaiming. You find people misinterpreting statistics, or even flat out lying about statistics. You find decades, even centuries of research, in the attempt to figure out what's happening. You even resort to literary analysis, because at least you might be able to find evidence of people discussing non-trauma DID as a legitimate scientific thing while psychoanalysing old texts -- just like back at 19, back in college, back when you first heard what DID was.

You find nothing.

You try to share your experiences still. You try to explain in more private spaces, spaces where there can't be anonymous hatred flung your way -- or worse, people who have determined that you are an enemy that must be defeated taking each word you say and twisting it to demonize you -- and you watch in horror as they remember.

"That's trauma?"

"That's disordered?"

"I've never heard of this before."

"I thought I was endogenic. I thought I didn't have trauma."

They're fine. They struggle -- but trauma is a struggle -- and more importantly, they now know what resources to even aim for. They know where to look. They know what can help.

You wish you'd known that.

And you will never, ever stop being bitter about the years those people took from you. You will never forgive them for their fakeclaiming. You will never forgive them for the years you spent being abused more.

But it's okay.

It's normal.

And isn't it better to be inclusive of that very slim amount of people who, despite all evidence to the contrary, and despite all of Occam's understandings, and despite the harm that inclusiveness does to those who are suffering, just have DID without any of that pesky, disgusting trauma?

What do I know? I'm just a filthy sysmed.

[pumpkinsy0]

hello favorite outsiders acc ever, i saw you say you hc ponyboy with bpd on your mental health post for everyone. can you expand on your thoughts a little more? would love to hear them :3

heyyyy super cool anon whats uppp :33

AND IVE WAITED SO LONG FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ME ABOUT THIS, THERE IS A GOD🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

i hope this gives u a general idea as to what i mean, and for anyone who realizes when say something wrong, pls do correct me about it i hope i portrayed everything correctly🙏🏽🙏🏽

ALRIGHT SO PONY W BPD

•allow me to preface by saying im not hc’ing 14 year old pony w bpd, its him when he gets older where it presents itself, if i remember correct, bpd shows its symptoms when ppl r like around 18 and into their 20’s??? around that time period is where it peaks, so this is more of an older ponyboy thing

•now as for how he got it, we can throw in obvious factors such as his parents dying, his friends dying, but one i think is swept under the rug a bit is that he pretty much has to be pretty worried about getting jumped or harmed somehow, its not like he lives in a safe area

•however even if u dont wanna believe that bit about getting jumped, bpd is typically associated w long term trauma’s but single event traumas can also lead u into having bpd, especially in ponys case where the deaths in his life happened pretty close to each other, so either way u flip it i think its pretty believable

•i think the first symptom he’d really feel the effect of first is that numbness, in the book its canon that pony constantly lies to himself and this is just one if the things he lies to himself about as he grows up, he tells himself that its just a passing thing or he just straight up fakes his emotions to not pay attention to that

•pony has a HUGE fear of abandonment, i dont think i gotta explain myself here its pretty obvious, however this does lead to him having paranoia about the ppl he loves dying, even disassociating for a while over it and he needs constant reassurance

•his disassociating leads to him missing a lot of time and not working on things he rlly should b

•when it comes to his self image pony just, doesnt know WHAT he wants, he doesnt have a clear sense of who he is, his values change, his friends change, he doesnt know whats going on w himself at all and he lays in bed a lot of the time just thinking about it

•going back to this feeling of emptiness, it causes pony to act impulsively just to cope, he smokes a lot, he drives recklessly, and he binge eats, and all this just complicates how he feels about himself which circles back to him not knowing what he wants from himself

•and then finally, pony constantly contradicts himself, for example, pony says he wants to build these close relationships, however he keeps pushing ppl that want to help him away, mostly bc hes scared that they’ll leave him, but then be has these moments where hes begging for them to be with him again but he pushes them away once again and its a weird cycle for him, and as soon as he realizes what hes doing he shuts himself off bc he feels like a bad person

•when it comes to his mood, i think he knows that he keeps on switching up how he feels, and bc of that after he goes through his mood swings and he realizes what he's done, he feels this sense of shame and then tried to just not talk at all just to “save himself”

•bc this is pony when hes older i could see this affecting his grades quite a but and that gets darry to get on him about it, and his relationship w darry is where that unstable relationship bit comes into play

•HOWEVERRRRR bc of how he responds to darry, that leads soda into stepping in to try and help but pony just feels like hes being laughed at????persecuted???? idk the word for it, but it makes pony feel worse so he can go from loving soda, to then wanting to not be around him within a few minutes, so his relationship w soda is where it becomes more obvious when it comes to unstable relationships

• now bc bpd and bp both have similar symptoms/effects on a person, and i hc angela as having bp, i could see curly recognizing the similarities between the two and he tries helping pony when he can, but at the end of the day, curly is one person and he doesnt know what to do, bc he doesnt have the resources available to help, he can barely help himself

•maybe curly got darry and soda to realize something was up w pony or somethin

gonna stop myself here bc i refuse to go on a yap sesh lmao

[siren-nate]

I know it wasn’t the point of your recent Chosen post, but I’m curious what you identified as signs of power-creep 👀

I should clarify, when I said "signs" of power creep, I really mean like, the barest hints that are making me nervous. Episode V does a great job of juxtaposing the earth-shaking attacks of Chosen and Dark to give them a sense of scale, by showing how Second and the Color Gang are constantly blown away by the things these two demigods can do (and on that note, Chosen fans have it REALLY good compared to Color Gang fans when it comes to having your favorite characters meaningfully contribute to fights in the main series. It's like Piccolo fans vs. Yamcha fans). But there's still a few parts that irk me.

Chosen is constantly landing laser eyes on Dark throughout their fight, and Dark is always surviving because he blocks with his arms. Then he puts on the wristbands, and his first big demonstration of how much more powerful they make him is... tanking Chosen's laser eyes with his arms. I get that the difference is "being forced to defend himself" vs. "gliding down the attack to interrupt it with one of his own", but it still just felt weird. Part of it was probably the stylistic choice to change the laser eyes from causing massive explosions in 2 and 3 to actually just cutting and burning things in 5 and 6, which I think IS a good change that makes the laser eyes more distinct from his pyrokinesis, but it also means that they just don't feel like they have much meaningful impact anymore. The last time they did was when he sheared off one of ViraBot's limbs with them.

That's kind of the main thing - a lack of impact with a lot of Chosen's attacks. The Mercs are implied to either be tanky enough to survive his attacks or (in the case of Pivot) have some defensive options, but there's that one moment in particular where Chosen gets fired up and launches all three of the other Mercs off of him with a burst of fire... and that doesn't seem to hurt them at all. If you don't give these superpowers the impact they need on a regular basis to establish how destructive they are, it starts to feel like they're pointless; like he'd basically be doing the exact same thing by just punching and kicking with his super strength.

I saw someone claim that Chosen lost the fight against the Mercs because he's going through a moral crisis and wasn't trying to kill them, and I have to wonder if that person watched the same episode I did - if Chosen wasn't trying to kill the Mercs before he started fleeing, why the hell would he go and grab Second Coming explicitly because he remembers how ungodly powerful she was with her powers awakened? It feels like a poor excuse for Chosen just feeling too underpowered lately.

Sidenote: The Box is not an example of this. The Box is genius, displaying that Victim is so underpowered compared to Alan's other creations that he needs to be buffed ten times over and have his opponent reduced to about 1/10th of their own strength, and Chosen still gets the upper hand a few times because he's A) just that strong and B) far more experienced fighting people his own level than Victim is. Seeing how his pyrokinesis completely renders his clones helpless and incinerates them within seconds did a lot of good work towards re-establishing how dangerous Chosen is, not to mention how his ice-defense trick demonstrates how he's not the dumb brute a lot of the fandom thinks he is.

TL;DR: It's somewhat a symptom of Chosen losing so many fights, which really isn't even that valid of a criticism when we're only two parts in to the sixth installment. What bothers me the most is that he keeps fighting people who can seemingly just shrug off his powers, which makes his powers feel pointless.

[rose-pearls]

Baby and Pregnancy prompts

Summary: some prompts of the reader pregnant or funny moment with the baby featuring: Bob, Hangman, Rooster, Iceman, Maverick and Slider.

I found some prompts and fell in love with them but couldn't chose which one to do or with who so enjoy multiple stories all at once, it may be a bit of a mess! Honour goes to the people that wrote those prompts!

Trying to figure out the baby's gender by analyzing their symptoms with old wives' tales – Bob

“Bobby where are you?”, you yell through the house as you leave the bathroom.

“In the living room sweetheart.”, you smile at the sound of his voice, having missed him during his two weeks mission.

“There you are my dear husband.”, Bob has a bright smile as you appear and immediately brings you into his arms on the couch, carefully kissing your forehead.

“What are you reading?”, your husband blushes a bit and it makes you even more interested in finding out just what he was reading.

“I was talking to Mayhem, and he told me that his wife and him looked at old wives’ tales to figure out the gender of their baby.”, he says slightly embarrassed, and you chuckle before kissing him quickly on the lips. One of your hands is rubbing your growing stomach, you were nearing the three months and you both couldn’t wait to find out the gender.

“Want to see if we can figure it out before the ultrasound in two weeks?”, Bob’s bright grin was the only answer you needed as he quickly nodded, excited.

“Let me see what we can find out.”, you chuckled at the sight of your husband so focused on finding a good question that would figure out if it was a boy or a girl.

“Alright, first thing.”, Bob turns to look at you and you put yourself comfortably on the other side of the couch with your feet on Bob’s lap, enjoying the soft massage he had started.

“Are your cravings more sweet or salty?”, that was a good question and although you had always been more of a sweet person, these last two months you had been eating a lot of salty things.

“Strangely more salty things, normally I’m more of a sweet tooth but baby Floyd seems to like salty things.”, Bob’s smiles was bright as he looked at you and turned into a loving one as he looks at your bump.

“Now, this is a strange one but there could be a difference if I put weight alongside you.”, this made you laugh and Bob started laughing as well, this man went on a run every day much to your sadness as it meant less cuddles but that proved that Bob hadn’t taken an ounce of weight.

“We can cross that one out.”, Bob sends you a wink and you smile tenderly at him as he writes something down before getting to the third question.

“Are you moody or more relaxed?”, he seems scared to answer the question and you rolled your eyes fondly at you husband.

“I don’t know, I mean I’m more emotional but I’m not exactly crying all the time. You were after all the one that cried when we watched Nemo.”, Bob looks scandalized, and you giggle softly.

“His mother dies! I’m only human.”, you are now full on laughing while Bob huffs and you go closer to Bob unable to hide the smile.

“You are right darling, so I think that to answer your question I am more relaxed.”, Bob nods and writes something down, moving the paper so that you couldn’t see it making you pout.

“This question is a bit weird but are you carrying low or high?”, his eyebrows are furrowed like he is trying to solve a math problem and you feel equally confused.

“Well, the baby is low in my stomach, but I think that is always the case. Why don’t we skip that one.”, Bob nods and looks at the next question he wants to ask while rubbing your feet’s.

“The next one is, are you glowing or are you looking more pale and tired.”, you scoff and Bob snorts at your reaction.

“So, Bob, do I look like shit or not? What a question is that.”, Bob starts to laugh, and you slap his arm and the WSO quickly recovers giving you a quick peck on the lips before looking at you with utter love in his eyes.

“You always look beautiful, but people have been saying that you are glowing.”, you can’t help the blush that appears at Bob’s words and kiss him on the cheek. 

“True, although aren’t you supposed to glow when your pregnant?”, Bob laughs at your annoyance at the question and continues.

“I guess not. A last thing we can do is the ring test, you put a ring on a cord and how it moves will tell us what the gender is.”, you look at Bob impressed and let him go and take a piece of cord that is laying around and take of his wedding ring.

The ring doesn’t move first as you lay down on the couch with Bob above you until it starts moving in circles and your eyes widen just like Bob.

“Holy shit.”, the both of you whisper and look at each other in awe.

“Well judging by all of those answer we are having a”, Bob tries to put some suspense but at your raised eyebrows he chuckles and finally reveals the gender.

“A boy.”, he whispers softly, his forehead against yours and you can’t help but smile.

“You better be right Mr Floyd or I’m going to get my hopes up for nothing.”, he chuckles lightly and kisses you lovingly.

“Don’t worry Mrs Floyd, I’m always right.”, you snort at that, and Bob starts to tickle you as punishment making you laugh even harder.

"I feel like a fat cow." "Well, you're the most beautiful cow." - Maverick

Getting pregnant was a wonderful thing, but the one thing you hadn’t expected as much was getting this big during your pregnancy. Your first three months had been filled with morning sickness and cravings while your second trimester was filled with wanting to climb Maverick like tree, not that the man was complaining.

Now in your third trimester you were really getting bigger and as much as you loved the thought of your baby growing there you couldn’t help but feel conscious of the way you looked. 

Maverick had gone to buy the crib for the baby’s room with Ice, they had painted yesterday, and the soft green room looked beautiful. Ice could somehow paint and had painted some little F-14’s on the wall making Maverick grumble about how perfect he always was before receiving a bit of paint in his face from Ice. You had to try and not laugh at Maverick’s scandalized face and Ice’s mischievous grin.

The both of them arrived, bickering as always and Maverick quickly kissed your lips before going up to build the crib with Ice. It seemed to be going well before you heard some swearing and a laugh that could only be from Ice. You thought of going up but another round of swearing followed this time from Ice and you decided to stay in the living room enjoying Maverick’s laughter.

Ice stayed for dinner, and you had tried to make something light for dinner, to maybe be careful of what you were eating and lose a bit of the weight you were putting on. Maverick had furrowed his eyebrows while Ice had just sat down and thanked you for the food before leaving to go back home.

“Sweetheart?”, you turned around from putting the last things into the fridge at Maverick’s voice and he looked at you with concerned green eyes while leaning against the door.

“What is it handsome?”, you asked after a few seconds of silence and he sighed while looking around the kitchen, he often did that when he was trying to find a way to say things.

“You know that you are the most beautiful woman in the world, right?”, you looked at him in surprise before snorting.

“I look like a fat cow.”, you said followed with a chuckle and you quickly felt the strong arms of Maverick around you.

“Well, you’re the most beautiful cow.”, you couldn’t help the laugh that came at his words, but it turned into tears making Maverick worried and he turned you around.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what is happening.”, Maverick looks at you with a soft smile and wipes your tears away. 

“Don’t worry, although I think you know what the matter is.”, he has a knowing look in his eyes and you sigh, your husband knew you too well.

“I feel like I’m so big ever since the pregnancy and”, you can’t finish your sentence as Maverick kisses you deeply and you respond quickly.

“You are the most gorgeous pregnant woman I know, and you are perfect the way you are. Do you know how many times I want to drag you into our bedroom and ravish you?”, a blush appears, and you kiss Pete with all you have enjoying the feeling of his body against yours.

“You may be bigger than before but that is because you are carrying our child and you don’t know how proud I am of calling you, my wife. You are perfect just the way you are love, don’t change a thing.”, you can’t help the tears that come up at his words and Pete smiles lovingly before a smirk appears.

“Now, I’m going to show you just how much I love you.”, he picked you up and you started laughing but your laugh was quickly stopped by a moan as Pete dragged you to your room.

Person B – being usually the stoic one – somehow managing to evoke a laughing fit in the baby – Ice

It had been six months since you came back from the hospital with a beautiful baby girl who looked just like her father, with his striking blue eyes. Ice loved spending time with his daughter when he got home from work and adored her like she was the most precious thing on earth. She was definitely a daddy’s girl and Ice prided himself with it making you chuckle every time. 

Ice had to go back to Top Gun for a meeting, but he had forgotten his lunch, so you decided to bring it to him and bringing your daughter along for the ride. She had been babbling in the back of the car as you approached the base and was looking in wonder outside of the car. You picked her up and just as you were ready to go, she let out a small shriek and you turned around to see a plane taking of and a toothy grin appeared on her face. She really was her father daughter you thought shaking your head fondly.

The Dagger squad had been training this month and Ice had a mission for them, but he needed to review it before telling Maverick about it. It was probably stupid to think you wouldn’t meet any of them on the way to your husband’s office and just as you turned the corner you were met with the whole squad chatting.

“Isn’t it my favorite niece.”, you heard Rooster exclaim and you had to stop yourself from laughing as the grown man started babbling to the 6-month-old baby. The rest quickly joined him and started trying to make her laugh, but it was in vain. 

They had been trying to make her laugh for the last two weeks, but it seemed like it wasn’t working for the moment. Maverick joined them quickly wondering where they were and when he saw his goddaughter a bright smile appeared.

“There is my favorite Kazansky, how are you pretty girl?”, she started babbling in Maverick’s arms and the man was nodding along seriously like he was having a real conversation.

“What am I hearing about a favorite Kazansky?”, a wide smiled appeared as you felt Ice’s arms around your waist and Maverick looked at Ice unimpressed.

“She is cuter than you, get over it.”, Ice rolls his eyes, and you chuckle before Ice looks at his daughter with a wide smile.

“Your godfather is a bit of an idiot, isn’t he?”, you expected your daughter to babble or just try to go in her father’s arms, but she suddenly started giggling and everyone was surprised.

Ice looked stunned and you also started laughing at Maverick’s and Ice’s twin expression of shock, the Dagger squad also erupted in laughter.

“See, she agrees with me. Don’t you? Maverick is an idiot.”, she starts giggling again and Ice is smirking at his wingmen who is looking at your daughter in betrayal.

“How dare you? This is a betrayal!”, however his betrayed look doesn’t last long as she continues to giggle, and Maverick can’t stop the smile that appears before giving her back to Ice.

“I can’t believe Iceman managed to make her laugh!”, Ice looks at them with a winning smile before taking your hand and leading you towards his office. You daughter waving back at the Dagger squad as you left.

having the baby wear matching clothes with them – Goose

“Goose, we need to leave in ten minutes are you ready?”, you yelled through the house, wondering where your husband and son went.

“Just a minute sweet cheek.”, you rolled your eyes at the nickname but couldn’t stop the smile that appeared.

You started checking if you had everything to go to Ice’s house for the monthly barbecue with the class of ’86. All of Bradley’s stuff where there with an extra set of clothes if something happens. Just as you were wondering where your husband was you heard footsteps and a second later, he was there. Even years later Goose still wore his Hawaiian shirts and even though they sometimes looked ridiculous, it was still what made him Goose and you wouldn’t trade them for the world.

What you hadn’t expected to see was your son with a matching Hawaiian shirt, white undershirt and little jeans. They looked like twins with 30 years of age difference. You couldn’t stop looking at them in surprise and Goose chuckled.

“So, what do you think?”, you let out a soft laugh and looked at the two most important men of your life.

“You two are a sight for sore eyes.”, this made Goose smile proudly and Bradley followed his dad and babbled a few words.

“Now we only need to find you a matching shirt and we will all be matching. Isn’t that a great idea Bradley?”, he asks as he tickles your son’s side and the baby babbles happily making Goose look at you with a smirk. You on the other side didn’t feel reassured at all, as much as Goose loved those, they would certainly look like shit on you.

“No way, I draw the line there.”, Goose pouts but you know that he will bring the idea back tonight and everyday if he has too until you give in. You feel his body against your back and his arm around your waist as you pick up Bradley’s bag. 

“Ready to go beautiful?”, you nodded and took Bradley into your arms while Goose went to put everything in the car. 

“Don’t you look handsome?”, Bradley has a wide grin, and you can’t help but blow a few raspberries making him laugh. Goose looks at you with a loving grin and takes the opportunity to kiss you longingly before taking you to the car.

You quickly arrive at Ice’s house and start to wonder how the others will react at Bradley and Goose’s matching outfits. Just as you are ready to go to the backyard Goose stops you and after looking at him puzzled, he takes out mini aviator sunglasses out his pocket and puts them on Bradley before putting his on. 

“You really thought about this for far too long darling.”, Goose laughs before taking your hand and leading you to the backyard. 

Everyone seems to be there, and you have to stop yourself from laughing at Maverick’s reaction when he sees your husband and son.

“Goose, what did you do? You gave him your bad taste in clothes.”, you can’t help the snort and Goose rolls his eyes playfully while the rest turn around to look at the commotion.

Slider spits out the beer he was drinking while Ice is laughing at his place at the barbecue, Hollywood and Wolfman are shaking their head fondly while Merlin is looking in shock.

“Please, you are just jealous of how great we look.”, everyone starts to laugh, and they start to talk to Bradley with their baby voices and a lot of pictures are taken during the afternoon.

wait a minute. heartbeats?! plural?! we’re having twins/triplets/etc?! - Rooster

It had been a month since you had found out you were pregnant, and you were finally going to the doctor to see how the baby was doing and if everything was going accordingly. Bradley had taken the day of and had been like an excited puppy since this morning. 

Bradley was probably the most excited parent in the waiting room as he had a bright smile and was telling everyone he was having a child, making a few people chuckle at his excitement. 

“Mrs Bradshaw?”, you take Bradley’s hand in yours and lead him towards the designated room where he quickly sits down on the chair next to the bed.

“How is everything going? No complication?”, you shake your head while Bradley looks a bit curious around.

“Everything is going well, just cravings but otherwise no morning sickness.”, the doctor nods and starts to put the gel on the small bump.

“This is going to be cold.”, Bradley takes your hand in his and you smile softly at him, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

“You can hear the heartbeats of the baby’s right now.”, you were so engrossed by the image and the sound that you didn’t paid attention to what she said exactly but Bradley apparently did as he was hanging onto every word she was saying.

“Wait a minute. Heartbeats?! Plural?!”, you looked at him surprised while he looked like he was ready to faint, and you turned back to your doctor who was chuckling.

“Yes plural, congratulations you are having twins.”, shock couldn’t even describe what you were feeling, and Bradley seemed to disfunction at the words.

“Twins? Two babies? Holy shit.”, you slapped his arm, and he quickly apologizes to the doctor making her laugh. 

“That is going to be quite the adventure.”, you can’t help but whisper and Bradley has a bright smile.

“We are having twins! Are they identical?”, his excitement is only bigger now, and you can’t help the utter love that you feel for this man.

“They are identical.”, the both of you smile widely at each other and you start to feel emotional at the thought.

Your doctor starts telling you what you need to take and do and after a few minutes she lets you get your clothes back on. Bradley still seems stuck on the fact that you are having twins.

You leave the doctor’s office with a smiling Bradley and as you leave the waiting room you hear Bradley say.

“We are having twins!”, the people must look at him like he is crazy, but another man screams congratulations and Bradley couldn’t be happier.

Your child's been kicking me all day." "Oh, so now it's my child? - Slider

As much as you loved feeling your baby move and feeling him kick, it was starting to get on your nerves as it was three in the morning and your son didn’t seem to want to sleep. Your husband was fast asleep after a long day of training while you were huffing looking at your bump willing your baby to finally settle down and let you sleep. 

After a minute you didn’t feel anything anymore and you happily thought that your son was finally done but just as you got settled down you felt a strong kick. Goddamnit that kid really was his father’s child.

It had started this morning when Slider left for work and somehow your little guy had decided that he was doing some sort of sport in there as he constantly moved and kicked often. Now you love to feel him move and it always made your heart flutter at the sight of his little feet kicking but now it was starting to annoy you. 

You feel Slider’s arm bringing you closer and you sigh softly at the touch before another kick was felt and you grumbled, waking up your husband. He looked confused for a moment at the fact that he was awake and looked at you with sleepy eyes and his bed hair.

“Everything alright? You have a craving?”, he quickly asks, and you feel your annoyance melt at the sight of his worried eyes, but a sudden kick makes you think back to why you were annoyed.

“Your child’s been kicking me all day”. You say grumbling and Slider can’t help chuckling, but he stops at your raised eyebrows.

“Oh, so now it’s my child.”, he says with a teasing smile, and you roll your eyes.

“This can only be a Kerner trait, I’m telling you.”, your husband laughs and kisses you lovingly before caressing your bump lovingly.

“I think he got it from his mother.”, you snort and enjoy having Slider caress your bump and side making you relax more.

“That is a lie.”, he nods seriously but a smile appears, and you let out a laugh quickly followed by your husband.

It’s only a few moments later that you realize that you haven’t felt a kick in a while, you look down at your bump while Slider kisses your shoulder and neck softly while caressing your leg. 

“I know what you are doing there.”, you can feel his smirk on your skin, and he drops a few more kisses before looking at you with his most innocent smile.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”, after raising your eyebrows you see him give in and he kisses you passionately making butterflies erupt in your stomach.

“He seems to have settled down.”, you whisper and Slider smiles softly at you before looking at your bump.

“Looks like it.”, you smile at each other for a few seconds before you start yawning and Slider laughs quietly.

“Common lets sleep.”, you settle in Slider’s arms and finally fall asleep as you settle in bed with your husband holding you.

I'm starting to feel like this baby will have a lot of aunts and uncles. - Hangman

Jake wanted to tell the Dagger squad that you were pregnant in a spectacular way, because ‘we aren’t going to do it like everyone’ he said.

So now you found yourself waiting for your husband as he finished his last hop of the day and you waited for him to arrive. You had gone to Penny to ask for help on revealing your pregnancy and after a long hug and a lot of congratulations you started planning your reveal.

You had found labels that you could personalize, and Penny just had to put them on a beer bottle and give them to the Dagger Squad, for Bob it would be on a soda bottle. Penny had assured you that it wasn’t an issue as she loved the idea and quickly hid the labels. 

Jake finally arrives with a bright smile and kisses you like a starving man making the other whistle at the two of you. 

“We know she is your wife Hangman, no need to make a show of it every time.”, Rooster yells and Jake ignores him as you laugh.

“Ready for the surprise?”, he is smirking, and a mischievous grin can be seen in his green eyes.

“I was born ready.”, the both of you smirk at each other before leaving towards the Hard Deck and joining the others around the pool table. Maverick and Ice have joined them, and they are all chattering.

“Penny told us that she would bring us some new beers she bought.”, Fanboy tells them with a smile, and you have to hide you smile at the thought of what they were going to get.

Penny arrives and you can see that she is trying not to spoil the surprise as she smiles widely.

“There you go, do tell me what you think about it.”, the aviators quickly take a beer and some of them take a sip before Phoenix lets out a surprised scream.

“You are pregnant?!”, she seems shocked, and you laugh at her reaction while the rest looks at her puzzled.

“Baby Hangman coming soon in the air.”, she reads out loud and everyone looks at their label, a look of understanding passing through.

“Holy shit.”, you hear most of them whisper and you feel Jake’s arm around your waist.

Phoenix is the first to congratulate you and she takes you into a bear hug and tells Jake that he better be on his best behavior before hugging him too. The rest of the group follows with hugs and Coyote glares at Jake before hugging him hard.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me before the others.”, Jake smiles widely and pats Coyote on the shoulder.

“Where would the fun be in that.”, Coyote rolls his eyes but brings you into a hug congratulating you. Rooster wishes you a lot of courage and patience, managing to avoid Jake’s napkin that is thrown at him and everyone laughs.

The whole group is talking about the baby, and you quickly realize something.

“I'm starting to feel like this baby will have a lot of aunts and uncles.”, Jake laughs at that and brings you closer.

“That baby is going to have so many uncles and aunts it’s going to be spoiled rotten.”, you laugh and settle into Jake’s embrace enjoying the sight of your friends arguing about who would be godfather and godmother.

[joelscruff]

life is really bad for me at the moment guys. i'm sorry, i feel like i'm always just complaining on here and coming up with excuses, but the fact of the matter is i'm really struggling right now with a lot of things and i've just lost so much motivation. i'm trying to write when i have inspiration but it's rare these past few weeks and it's just slowly getting worse as time goes on. losing my job and getting covid at the same time has really taken it's toll on me and having depression on top of that just isn't a good combo.

i just want to apologize if i'm not here as often for the next little while. i still have a lot of messages to answer but it genuinely takes a lot out of me when i'm feeling this way. i'm a people pleaser at heart and i hate disappointing people, especially lovely people like you who have been so supportive and amazing. i feel horrible that i can't give that energy back to you right now.

i'm currently just in that shitty headspace where i just want to curl up in a hole and not exist for a while. for those who have depression like me, i'm sure you understand what i mean. i know i'll come out of it soon but it's currently just a struggle to even get out of bed most days, not just because of my leftover covid symptoms but because i'm just feeling so sad and empty.

i love you all so much and i hate feeling like this because i know i have this amazing community of people here and yet my brain is like: you have no one. you have nothing. and it's so debilitating.

please just bear with me as i go through this current weird stage of my life. i'm probably in one of the biggest ruts of my life right now and i'm trying my hardest to get out of it but it's not always that easy. i'll be on here when i can every now and then but i can't promise i can answer everything right away or post that much right now. i'm so sorry. i hope you'll stick around until things are a bit better. i love and appreciate you all so much. thank you for being here ❤️

[studentbyday]

Hey guys 👋🏻 Lately even if I sleep well, I've been finding it harder and harder to get out of bed and do my work, even if I still can feel excited about certain topics in my field (if they're presented in a different enough, positive context like new research that's happening in my area). @zzzzzestforlife told me that means I'm burnt out and that if I feel like I'm so busy I can't take 5 minutes to do anything extra, I should take a hour to just rest and rejuvenate because you won't actually fall that far behind in just an hour. Proverbially speaking. She actually prescribed that I take the weekend off 😅 And I trust her judgment because she knows the pace I work at (read: slower than her) and she's burnt out enough times to recognize the symptoms quickly and take action against it before it gets really out of hand.

So this weekend, I'm just going to rest (with the exception of the little bit of pathology assignment I still have to finish before Monday and reviewing a bit more for the immunology midterm on Wednesday...and a few very light admin tasks...God, as I type this, it's really tempting to just not take a break and keep working this weekend out of fear but I really don't think I should. I should preserve the bit of passion and enthusiasm I still have for my studies and return to them on Monday feeling refreshed enough to keep going, resting each weekend, until the end of the semester because I need to build sustainable habits if I want to take 5 courses / semester next year and come out of it still whole).

And I've kind of forgotten what rest mode is like?? So I need to do a little brainstorm...again. because this list will be a bit smaller and thus less overwhelming (to me in this burnt out state) than the one I shared before and I'll only be picking the activities that will actually be helpful for my current state (e.g. i am not aiming to wake up really early at all this weekend. that just puts unnecessary pressure because i just find that really really hard to do these days as the days get shorter and recently meditating just makes all my anxious thoughts re-surface so I think I need to try more active forms of mindfulness so the full strength of the emotions don't have to hit me and drain me so much). (And I am under no pressure whatsoever to do all of these. Just whatever I feel my body and soul are most called to do in the moment. I've forgotten how to rest in the busy-ness it's so weird...like i actually had to be reminded that real rest is not something you have to try really hard to do and if you do that then it ceases to be real rest, even if you're engaging in a supposedly restful activity. Why did I have to be reminded of something so common sense. I mean, I do know, but still. It's strange, the effect that extended periods of work mode has on the brain...)

Physical movement (pilates/yoga and walking in nature are still my current faves but I only walked in nature and did yoga once this week and my body is starting to complain about it...)

Practice piano (even if I think I suck...the only reason for that would be because I'm out of practice, so the more I practice and the sooner I start practicing, the better I'll sound. I haven't played since summer ended...)

Reading fiction (Maisie Dobbs is reliably calm yet uplifting and it's what I've been reading most of this week so I might continue that, but this weekend I'm going to slow down and get cozy, i.e. away from my desk, while I read)

Yapping with those who are dearest to me

Listening to music that is stimulating in a calming way (rn I'm thinking like slow classical choir stuff haha because you've got the harmony together with occasional notes that sing out above the rest and it's just really satisfying in a calming way...there are also a couple of piano pieces that have that kind of calming vibe like träumerei... There's also slow jazz.)

Do mundane things like the laundry (I need to change my bedding anyway), sorting and folding said laundry (i don't usually like folding haha so Zesty usually does that [thankfully], but i think there will be something extra comforting about the folding patterns this time and there's just a lot still to fold...), washing my water bottle, and basically just cleaning house because the act of moving and seeing all the dirt get gone because of it is therapeutic and a surprisingly good de-stressor

I was also supposed to do my weekly hair mask this weekend which I almost completely forgot about

[yiiiiiiiikes25]

had a wip wednesday tag many weeks ago from @garagepaperback, whose gorgeous a barely lit path will astonish you, and who came to my front stoop yesterday to talk about fic for three hours 💅🏻

trying to force myself to finish this thing, so:

Adam scrapes his chair close enough to put down the coffee and waits, but Dick just looks around the patio, one penny loafer ticking a stately beat. Moths leer outsized shadows up the walls, and the brick vibrates with the drone of the HVAC. The silence pushes past awkward into daunting. It’s possible this is a real weird bummer of a dream.

Fine, fuck it. Adam has to rub his face for a moment before he can deal with whatever’s about to go down here; when he feels his jaw give a baneful spasm, he lets his hands fall upturned on the armrests, though he doesn’t know whom he’s asking for mercy. “How can I help you, Dick?”

Gansey rounds on him and revs the smile again. It takes him a breath or two to get going, but his tone stays light. “I do have to apologize for the trespassing theatrics. I texted a few times this afternoon and evening in hopes we could get a drink, or even take the train together tomorrow.”

Ah. With a moment to orient himself, Adam recognizes the passive aggressive symptoms of a WASP enraged. He pulls his phone from his pocket; he’d built new do-not-disturb settings Friday night so just work stuff could come through, bypassable if someone knew to call him twice, but it had been nice, the peace from push notifications. Everything important goes to his watch. Clean. He flashes Gansey the Focus screen. “DND, sorry. Not a great idea for me to come up, though. I let Ronan know this morning.”

“Isn’t something you can be coaxed into, hm?” Gansey’s gaze is direct, untroubled, his drawl unhurried.

“I don’t… no, it’s not. We’re talking on Tuesday night.” The coffee tastes like it’s from the decent Nespresso in the ICU RN break room, an ominous clue as to the depth of Gansey’s charm getting himself backstage. “Sorry, you came to get me to go to the Open?”

Gansey re-crosses his legs, this time ankle over knee. “No. A bit, maybe. No. Have you thought about what you want out of Tuesday?”

Adam lets his mouth fall open for a disgusted half-second. “That’ll stay between me and Ronan, actually. Gansey, what can I do for you this evening?” Of its own accord, his tone has dropped into the register he uses to speak to insurance companies.

What’s the look on Gansey’s face, now? Something deflated, downturned. Sorry, maybe. Adam can’t parse it. “Right. That’s right. I should try not to keep you,” Gansey says. His brow hardens, rueful mouth resolving to a grim line. “Actually, I’ll be out of here sooner if you can do me a favor, will you?”

@flightspathfic @whatimages gimme your fragmentiest fragments