#havent posted for like a few weeks now whew!

[celestecreation]

Get wifi anywhere yuo go

[mindthedocent]

6, 16 and 17 :333333

omg eden hiiii edennnnn :333

6. the word that appears the most in your current draft (wordcounter.net can tell you)

I'm fucking embarrassed that my most used word is "MIN" and my second-most-used word is "RYAN" and my third-most-used-word is "MIN'S" and my fourth-most-used word is "LIKE"

so idk what you want man. i write at an 11th grade level according to this website LOL

16. favorite place to write

in a word doc DUHHH

no uhh i havent written in a while (basically since getting the new job) but it Used to be, at the desk at work while i was supposed to be standing and running around and working haha,

i also like writing in bed on my phone, and on the couch on my phone :3 is the computer better? absolutely. do i pull it out ever? no <3 <-guy who is on their computer right now hence the lack of emotes

17hold on post paused why did it do this

anyway 17. talk about your writing and editing process

so ive definitely talked about this before! but each part is difficult in its own way i think. if im not feral about a story its gonna take me a long time to write. but when i AM writing, i have to make an effort to set aside time to do so. i usually will try to aim for like, 100 words when ive made a decision to write. but sometimes its just a sentence! and thats okay, it happens! im glad to get something down when the going gets tough. but yeah what happens a lot is that as it goes on i get less excited about writing it and i have to really push to get it finished. i DO like finishing fics guys i PROMISE.

once its done i let it sit for between a week and a month. i dont look at it. i dont even Think about it (try not to anyway, lol). once ive decided that its editing time, i read through it again. this first time is not Really the time for spelling and grammar, but i do correct those things as i see them anyway. no the first read is for flow. do i need to add more detail? did a scene drag on too long? did a story feel too short?

(fun fact, in committing to the bit, i reread through it when i thought it was done and felt pretty bad about my contributions to it and felt like id have to go through a rewrite, complained to my cowriter about it, fell asleep, woke up to them giving me a lot of positive feedback, reread it again, and then added in a couple short scenes. and that fixed it.) (points to whoever can guess which parts i added in last)

uhhh and then after reading for overall flow, ill let it sit again for another few days, and repeat the process. if it feels good, ill go back in and read for smaller things. spelling, grammar, awkward sentences. let it sit again, read it again. once it feels upwards of 85% good to me, i decide im done.

WHEW. its a lot of letting it stew and rereading it. i think thats what it takes sometimes. that, and letting it be imperfect. its never gonna be Perfect, but there comes a point where its gotta be Done, u know? u know exactly what im talking about

thank uuuu for this ask ily!

the quastions

[madisonrooney]

oh shit its been like. a week and a half and i havent told yall my dove story maybe i should do that

so i went to the cameron boyce foundation gala again. thats where i saw her last summer too, not sure if i ever mentioned that then lol. knew she would be there but only wanted to talk to her if it felt right given the circumstances. following my much more talkative friends lead who knew a lot of the people there to some degree (not unlike my fan relationship with many of them but a bit closer than i am to some), we talked to a number of people so im like ok if were talking to everyone else we gotta talk to her.

almost thought we lost her as things wound down but we spotted her and walked over and my heart rate continued to increase every step i got closer to her.

didnt really know what to say but i wanted to re-establish who i was, given how much time has gone by since we used to regularly interact plus i was wearing a mask, so i just said what ive said before in similar situations which was “its been a long time!” and she said “yah i havent seen you in a while!” and im like oh god she does remember me oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god

we take a pic together and then i finally give her my short little speech that basically sums up my last 3 years worth of thoughts and worries. some off yall may remember me posting during quarantine how terrified i was that our relationship would basically die since we couldnt interact in person and im too anxious to be on stan twitter or anything like that. so i said “i know we havent interacted much over the past few years bc of that little pandemic lol but i hope you know im still supporting you in everything you do” and she like.....put her hand on my arm and thanked me hhhhhhh

then i added “obvs ive been supporting you from the beginning but even moreso as youve been an advocate for the queer community of which im also a part” and she thanked me again. THEN I SAID HAPPY PRIDE MONTH AND SHE SAID IT BACK LIKE. OKAY. (my coworker said those were basically our wedding vows and i have to agree)

she apologized that she was having a bit of a nervous breakdown, i guess in regard to her short responses (which i really thought nothing of). like first of all so was i and second of all ofc i dont blame her given the circumstances

at some point she said “thank you for supporting cameron” which just. warmed my heart so so much.

gave her a quick hug and as she walked away i said “we love you!” and she said “i love you guys!” and blew us kisses. whew.

so. yah. i basically got to tell her what id been harboring inside me for like 3 years and got three PLUS years of weight off of my shoulders. its kinda hard to believe but i really healed so much in that moment and im just. so so grateful.

to still be able to have these interactions with her, even if not as long and not as often as they were years ago, now that shes blown up so much is not something i take for granted in the least. i really needed this and im so so glad i got it.

one of the first things that popped in my head afterwards (besides the intense desire to cry which i had to fight due to still being in public) was “man. i would do anything for her.” so i guess let that be your take away

[t-underneaththeradardancing]

uneventful mostly - itsa holidaze  - i did write a morning pome imma pretty sure cuz kitty poets dont have a union and we getz no days off  - yes indeed that cat is a good one u knows it 

maybe things a little better even but 

oh look t - the moon  - oh wait thats a streetlight - later i should see 

(whew that wuz close  - whining averted )

cold rocky revenge  - now thats poetry  - theres a post below somewhere that mansplains it  - y am i thinking of f zappa 

so in the spirit of no whyne zone imma tell the tale of the good footin and james brown maybe barefootin as well  - the sciatica = better much still painful af at times but usual not hobbling - acupuncturist trynna help t sleep as well - at night  - u know when everybody else  does - when things r open and ppl r awake like daytime i should also - imma trying  - onna bad day im better than b4  and more well rested than usual lifetime deprivation -get about wat i got done on a good day 6 weeks ago  - on a mostly good day - dont lie t - u still get fuck all done by most standards even on a good day  - still a bit more accomplished - lots more walking than in a long long time - have gone from bed ridden every 3rd day  to active almost daily  - every 10 days or so i need to totally collapse and do almost nothing for about 36 hours - stress as much as anything  - it has been a uh trying couple of months  - 3 months at least t w brief periods of wat may have gone from fantasy to delusion inna heartbeat or rose colored glasses keep cracking  -with a season in hell for large parts of the last 10 days  - thats not whining just fax  - all in all i wouldnt trade my life w anyone  - i still play music w ppl i love just not too much lately  - if the biz ends it was a wat u call it - oh right - a learning experience - there is still to post - remeber tek hatez t  - some vids from a couple weaks ago  - serious magic on i know places  - i havent listened to much else except briefly the night performed but we played and sounded great at times  - we got virtually no tips however - tho the tip jar was not real visible - we give half the $ to a charity vita works w in india - vita gets the rest  - last sat - when it was victory to show and perform - we were not bad - a little tired and lot sad and then after - but we made 30 $  - actually quite good considering the venue - mostly students w laptops and buds and a few locals - im rarely out of breath - i want a fukken cigarette so fucking bad it makes me fucking crazy for a minute a few times a day  - i try not to dwell but fux  lol - there has been laffter  - the sickest of humor or just plain stupid silly - in 2s tho for over week now  - no way we gonna get an album or even an ep recorded b4 skool  - i reality good when i hafta but i do not like it much  - well some parts maybe - like the moon and the ocean - and kitties - crows and baby birbs  tho there always a bit of the supernatural there  - speekin of witch - got a peek on patreon of maggie umber’s upcoming horror comic - omfg - those of u who know her also know the price she paid and paying still  - get well again maggie !      and all those i love esp w illness chronic  - where wuz i - oh yah the reality bits i likes - wuz lissen to my favorite things one of the uh free err by trane - maybe a wee bit atonal at times but melody hinted at mostly - yah t all over the place - biz as usual ?   lol

night

love 

birdsong morning

[gingergirlgaming-ts3]

update for my followers & a thank you

I started this Tumblr back in March of this year for the Ts3 community...I didn't expect to find such an amazing community but I have! Tumblr is more than just a Ts3 community, its a community for EVERYONE! Anything your interested in, theres a community for it.

SO MUCH has changed for me since starting this Tumblr, and you guys have been along for the ride whether I'm posting Ts3 stuff or something personal.

So what exactly has changed?

1) My Simblr because its ever evolving and I'm still getting the hang of it

2) My gameplay style, I grew some balls & installed MODS thanks to you guys which has made my gaming play and experience 10x better.

3) My relationship status, I went from in a relationship to single back in August after almost 2 years together. I was devastated, but I picked up the pieces and can actually smile again. From August until beginning of November, there was no contact what so ever between my ex and I because I was so upset and heartbroken because I felt as if he abandoned me in a time of need. Well I realized that relationships aren't one way streets and that we both had problems of our own even if he had left me for a co-worker of his. We spoke last week for the first time since he had picked up his stuff August 30TH or whatever...and the conversation went well and he has asked to talk when he comes over Wednesday to collect the rest of his things and some important mail (also we'll do an address change so his mail goes to his parents where he lives)...I'm not really nervous for this talk as I know he isn't going to try and get back together. I AM READY to talk to him though even though I've requested nothing to SAPPY so I dont cry. I'm still getting over losing him but I wouldnt get back together if he asked because whats done is done.

4) My depression and anxiety isn't as bad as it once was, I'm seeing a therapist once a week and I truly like this woman. I've been off my medicine though since September because it was effecting my appetite greatly and I lost too much weight. I've gained it back thank god and still am because DAMMIT I LOOK GOOD THICKER in my opinion everybody looks good with meat on their bones but thats just me.

5) I'm dating again, aka I'm testing out the waters. I've been on a few dates with some good guys but I'm still just doing me. HOWEVER, there is one man in particular that I'm casually seeing and its hilarious. Why you ask? He's a good friend of mine and ex-coworker from my old career. We did NOT plan for this and we both laugh every time we talk about it because holy crap fate has a funny way of intervening with peoples lives. He's also YOUNGER than me, by like 6 years. I'm 29 and he's 22 and even though I KNOW this won't develop into a FULL BLOWN relationship because I DO NOT WANT ONE I'm enjoying going with the flow. Our chemistry is seriously on point, we have a lot of fun together and more importantly, were 100% on the same page with what were doing. No confusion that way. ALSO, in my past I always dated WHITE MALES due to my Father. I love ALL RACES of MEN (and women too just don't date females because were crazy hahaha) and YUP YOU GUESSED IT...he isn't white. His skin is more like chestnut brown like the color of my Ugg boots because I put my boot next to his skin and said "YOU ARE CHESTNUT NOW!" he also makes me look EVEN MORE white than I already am. But I love the way he interlocks his hands with mine for no reason or when I'm in the mirror checking myself out (im just growing fonder of the way I look these days TBH) he will come up to me, grab me from behind slide his arms around me and look at me looking at myself in the mirror and he'll smile when our eyes meet or compliment me or whatever. It's ridiculous lol and WE HAVENT EVEN DONE THE DUUURTY YET (yes we have messed around but nothing crazy, but yes its gotten hot and heavy cause we will end up making out for a long time cause when you have chemistry aka fireworks its hard to stop lol) but hopefully that changes tonight cause I've marked today as D DAY aka DICK DAY aka SHITS GOING DOWN TONIGHT. If all goes according to plan. Whew that was a long one guys I apologize.

6) WE HIT OVER 230 FOLLOWERS YOU GUYS! So true to Tumblr tradition a GIFT is in order for yall. So I've built a few things but can't decide what to gift yet. MAINLY, a HUGE and generous THANK YOU is in order to each and every single one of my followers. THANK YOU SO FREAKIN MUCH FOR EVERYTHING I TRULY LOVE ALL OF YOU!

7) I'm okay. I'M MORE THAN OKAY. And I got this, 'YOU OWN IT GIRL' is actually what my mantra has been lately.

So, while this may or may not be Sims related YOU GUYS ALL have impacted my life greatly and have helped me SO MUCH. So now, I'm going to WALK in the rain to the grocery store to go buy razors with my remaining 4 dollars and change so I can shave my legs and get all ready for D DAY uuuuhhh son I'm gonna put it down flip it and reverse it. ONLY JOKING but no really its going down tonight as Celly Cel once said. Hahaha anyways SORRY FOR THE LONG POST BUT AGAIN THANK YOU GUYS FOR EVERYTHING.

[ggiame]

all the stuff under the cut

Everything is wrong at the moment, its 70 degrees in february, DT is president, and everything just seems transitional and out of place and temporary. I have 6 jobs right now. im working all the time and yet theres no money. i dont know. just having one of those weird surreal chunks of weeks that im trying to capture with a long text post on a public forum. here we go. 

(heads up, me and my therapist named and externalized my anxiety into a character I call ‘chanel’ after the terrible ex and I quote her for clarities sake when ‘quoting’ my anxiety. so yeah. thats who chanel is)

money:

none, somehow. 

work:

float sixty, leghorn chicken, aloft reception, pole teaching, online tutor, property manager, and also segway is coming back and also maybe still street performing? dude. 

okay highlights version

F60: my boss is Lia, a White Lady who used to work in the beauty industry and is On. a. Diet. She is neurotic and perfectionistic but also a weird hippie which is an odd combination of traits i happen to understand well so we get along nicely. She likes me and I like her. All of my co workers seem cool. Also There is a Cute Boy there who i know next to nothing about.

LH: wow okay its food service but i really like my co workers and also the food is decent but not addicting and i do make some tips. Im making friends there the fastest but its also the job im least attached to. conflicting feelings. 

Prop Man: oh my god. rats. broken washing machines. broken stoves. intrigue. sabotage. tune in sundays at 8/7c

My family was joking yesterday that i have the “Karlin Family Work Ethic” and that i was doing too much but somehow i still feel like a lazy, useless, slug who should really just work a little harder. Weird. 

The injury-----

The elbow is healing relatively fast. it still feels like a year and a day since i last climbed a rope. its probably two weeks out from being -mostly- functional. right now its int htat good enough for life but not for circus zone. Also now im kinda scared of going back up a rope. which is. not. good. but ill deal with when i get there. fear is the worst. ugh. 

FeElings-------------

Okay theres a lot of relationship feelings stirring around in my life despite the fact that i have no significant other and here’s why. 

boys: 

east coast boy- just as bad at keeping in itstouch as I am. is still wonderful. but its been so long theres really only echoes left. 

west coast boy: all that weird buildup for an extremely short lived fling that did next to nothing to release all that pent up wierdness. it continues. This boy is much better at keeping in contact.  its getting harder for me to keep talking to him as it gets clearer that neither of us is going anywhere soon. 

work boy: cute, seems cool, but i have no idea who he is at all. 

tinder boy: i like him a lot, but im not attracted to him yet and i dont want to do that to another person. also can i make myself be attracted to someone? thats playing with too many things. no answers yet. needs more pondering. 

Other work boy: Chanel  “he did not come to the diner with you on valentines day. has not liked any of your social media posts. probably hates you and also thinks youre ugly. its okay you probably wont see him for another two months.”

Girls and others:

Theres a couple straight girls im into and we all know how that goes. They have boyfriends. it sucks. 

the circus one:i havent seen this person in a frustratingly long time. dammit. 

also im still afraid of flirting with girls because of Amber Chanel B. the Ex from Hell. which is super awesome. 

not. 

The Room Mate:

1) is mysterious and doesnt say much

2) is clearly in a bad mood a lot. cause shes working sleeping or working out and never gets a second to herself. 

3) which totally means that shes mad AT ME ALL THE TIME 

4) and she has taken this super central place in my anxiety tornado which I am now worried that she is aware of and annoyed by. which is also part of the tornado. yeah. 

The pot: 

wow i started to get into serious problem territory this past month and i felt it building up to the moment. which happened a few days ago. i came to this conclusion

- I have the capabilities of controling and being responsible with my drug usage but my situation right now is making that difficult. The next time i end up on solid emotional ground ill stop until the cravings go away.- 

and here i am. the good weather is helping a lot and i finally felt ready to cut myself off for a while, so i smoked it all and now im out and well see how this goes. 

Bonus---Musings on hunger and stuff-----

So body talk. 

Ive been injured and unable to exercise the way i like

ive taken a job in a fried chicken place. 

so yeah i have some weight gain and acne and loss of muscle tone and its making my body image issues flare up. So ive been doing okay and I havent made myself vomit but I have been eating noticeably less and ive started to just kinda let myself be hungry more which is something i had forgotten about. 

and then i was thinking about it and I realize that im part of this weird subgroup of extremely priveleged people who also know what its like not to eat for 3 days at a time, or what its like to eat less than a thousand calories a day for more that a month, and that I got complimented for what that did to me. I would sleep through classes and almost pass out when i stood up all the time but i weighted 105 pounds and everyone said i looked great.  its a weird thing especially cause it was never really about how I looked, and was entirely about trying to control myself when i have needs that are at odds with my situation. 

Then i thought about last year when i was training so much that my body could not get enough food, but my anxiety and depression were at such a place that I could barely eat, and the way that kind of hunger was different. I had never vomited from hunger before but I got to find out what that was like. That was where the weed problem really started btw cause if I hadnt had pot last year I would not have eaten at all and would probably be dead. Having anxiety so bad that your stomach clenching makes you nauseous and then you get nauseous with hunger on top of that and then you have to fly to ankansas to be at your fav cousins wedding and manage to pull it off and not be a zombie. whew. 

Also I would like to thank lin manuel miranda because (along with pot) Hamilton is what got me through that experience. 

yeah.  

thats all for now. 

[survivordivergent]

EPISODE 10 - “MAYBE REPUTATION DOES PLAY A BIG PART IN THINGS?” - ED

Whew. SO someone has the other half of amity? I'm shook

I wanna vote this Eliza bich out so bad She's so BORING FUCK Be FUNNY perhaps

I'm really frustrated that I can't give more time to this game. Maybe once there's a couple less people I will be able to get a better idea of what's going on.

I gave Eliza my advantage 2 rounds ago. I don't know if I mentioned that.

I kind of want to work with Otto because they are really honest with me but I know Eliza doesn't trust them. Hopefully Geo can go next. I'll use all the power I have in this duo to try and get him out first.

I really love the BH5 alliance. They are all great people and the chat is always poppin'. I'm super curious to see who everyone is. Im really hoping they all stick with this 5 until f5. I'm also gonna try to keep Lucy and Gio and Lake close so I can tell where their votes are going. The plan is to get Otto out next because he told Lake he wants me out or I'm winning. I told BH5, and they immediately said, "Otto? Gotta go." They think it's unwise to align with Lake because he leaks plans, but he didn't leak the Kyle was the vote. Lake is a good egg to keep close, and I will as long as they will let me keep him. We have a live challenge of Cut the Rope tonight, and as long as Otto doesn't win, I'm fine with it. But hopefully everyone likes me enough to let me win? After all, I have the most friends, right? ;)

I really hope Eliza is okay, she's my dear :(

This is my first cut the rope. I'm anxious. Who do I come for first, Lake? Otto? Geo even? LUCY? Who knows? NOT I SAID THE PAYTON. NOT... I.

I know that my last confesssionals were cocky but thats cause i didnt know the truth. Otto is a fucking dick and i dont get why hes calling me melania. whoever you are i hope you get lost in whatever fucking space station you came you little good for nothing fat ass loser, theres no point in keeping you around if youre going to be rude af when all you do is sit around and raise your cholesterol level and know theres no point in continuing if theres nothing on youre resume and you're never going to win you little bitch so yuo might as well quit now before it gets even more uglier for you

IM SCREAMING BECAUSE LUCY AS THE OL. SHE WAS LITERALLY LIKE "I HAVENT EVEN HAD TIME TO FIND ~HALF~ AN IDOL" AND I WAS LIKE OMG THAT WAS SO SPECIFIC SHES GOTTA HAVE IT NOW I CAN USE HER AND IM DEAD IM SO DEAD

I'm trying to spice this game up i really am

I'm laughing so fucking hard

"Literally. Who." Otto talking about himself 2017

I dont know who these inatives are thinking they can say whatever the shit they want Otto and Lake can go kill themselves and I wouldnt bat an eye i literally hate them so much

ohhh SO Much is happening!! so i just found out payton has the other half of the amity IDOL AHHHH thank god. great news for me tbh. also this challenge is so enlightening, at least now i know where i stand... it seems like the minority is me, geo, otto and lake. i tried to test the waters about working with them to geo and he shut me down so fast, he's just obsessed with sticking with payton and ed when its pretty clear neither of us are in ed's top group. also ed always wins reward and now just won immunity and hmm... i just don't trust him! though he has been keeping me safe so far, i just have to keep looking like the poor little deer that needs them to guide me to safety every week.. otto just approached me about making a "big move" and like i want to so bad... but i literally am fucked if i lose the trust of payton or ed... and geo is obsessed with them so i don't think he'd be down for it either. the last two votes have gone exactly how i wanted them and in a perfect world melissa would go this week (am i gonna hold a grudge that she posted the closed flower? i sure am!) or even jill... people don't like lake or otto but they're just like irrelevant people that i might be able to use for a vote in my eyes so its too early to let them go, but i also sure will throw them right under the bus if i need to in order to stay another week! this is gonna be a tough vote. we'll see though.

me: about to dissect otto's argument

Otto: you bitching in the jill, eliza, and payton chat? me: thats stupid to call out in the tribe chat

Otto: why try to pick off outsiders me: cause of stuff like this

Otto: nobody talked to me about the vote, if so, they lied to me or they were voted me: apparently it's going to be Kyle Otto: (according to Lucy) *votes lucy*

Otto: i dont get messages from people in control of the game me: what is that supposed to mean you stupid bitch you can take control with people not in control!!

Otto: ill respect people who will make the end to talk to me me: fuck you

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

i dont get why im coming after otto now im a genuinely nice person

FIREWORKS.

Very pleasantly surprised at how that immunity went. I know I'm a colossal target after winning the last three rewards and now an immunity. I know everyone suspects I have an idol, even though I've only confirmed that fact to Payton and Melissa. But I'd argue I'm in a VERY good spot for now. Maybe the second-best in the game after Eliza.

I'm reasonably sure the vote is falling on Otto this week, and for me it's a great move. He's pleading that people get more self-interested and make a move, but that only makes sense for those who feel they're at the bottom. Me, I'm fully invested in the BH5. I think the rest are too. And I like my odds at F5. I can win comps if needed, I have an idol as a failsafe, and realistically I suspect Lucy and/or Payton will need to be idoled at F6 using their halves of the Amity idol. That's great news. Payton found out about Lucy's half-idol last night, and she's realistically the best person who could have had it, as far as leaving Payts and I with options.

So unfortunately for Otto and his 'big moves' approach, that makes me even more eager to boot him – not because he's inactive or because of his past sins, necessarily. More because he's being very clever about this. If anyone takes him up on it, or feels like they're at the bottom of the BH5, then suddenly my position is much more tenuous. And the longer they're  exposed to it, the more it might resonate with anyone who feels even slightly vulnerable.

And look, I'm not naive. I realize that Payton and I were late-comers to the alliance. And I'm probably the first target when we get down in numbers (or when we lose immunity, maybe. I'm not convinced anyone REALLY wants me in the F5 except Payton.) But I still think this is a good spot. I trust my instincts, and they're telling me that this group may very well bring me to 5 and try to cut me then. Likely flushing my idol before then, but still. If they do bring me to the F5, that's probably a mistake on their behalf. And if they do take me out before then, all the kudos in the world to them.

I really like where I stand with Payton (obviously,) Melissa and Eliza. I think I'm least tight with Jill, which is very surprising because I still think we're on great terms.

Man, I just love this alliance. I can't wait to find out who all these people are after the game, because they're a lot of fun.

I also really like Lucy and can't get over how clever she was about revealing her possession of the half idol to Payton. Payts asked if she'd found anything and she said "omg no i havent even had time to find HALF an idol." Like, that's REALLY smart. It wouldn't raise too many concerns or suspicions to anyone who didn't know that the Amity idol was halved, but to someone in the know, it's a subtle poke. Really clever. A great option – and I can't see Payton wanting to stick with BH5 to final five. So that gives us flexibility to make a move without forcing me to get my hands dirty.

This game is going a lot better than I could have hoped. Huh. Maybe reputation DOES play a big part in things?

I'm SO SCARED that Jill wants my head. She came for Melissa and that concerns me. I'm hoping light discussion of condiments will make her dislike me less.

If you're gonna kill a grape, ferment it and drink to its life cut short - Ed, 2k17

I'm this group of sinners not even being able to keep their alternative facts straight - Melissa, 2k17

BH5 is just ed and all his sister wives at this point

this vote! is so messy! everyone is throwing out fake names, eliza's throwing out geo's name to me and otto, but then payton's telling me the vote is still otto. i really really appreciate otto's desire to make a big move and i want it to work but it looks like the numbers just are not there. he's trying to get that big group to split themselves but its just not realistic...i think at like 8:45 I'm gonna tell otto that its him tonight and just :( feel sad for him for a minute because that alliance is already bigger and stronger than we thought :(. otto first wanted to do payton but i steered him away from that and now i think he's gonna go for jill, which honestly would be another move in my best interest but like i said. the numbers. just aren't there. unless he can pull some magic in the last few hours before tribal its not going to happen. my best bet next is to try and get closer with eliza/jill and warn them about how close payton/ed are and like dfkslsdkj just break up their weird power group sooner rather than later. on another note its super cute and nice to not have my name being thrown out for the first time in awhile :) i feel safe.....maybe that means this is the week i go home hmm.

i hate myself im screaming im leaving on my moms birthday bye bitches fuck you all sorry otto btw!!

i dont know what to believe, i dont want to leave today, i hate evryone rn cause idk whats happening and i cant trust no one, i shouldve just played more cutthroat fuck it all i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself, im leaving tonight

So I've got Payton, Lake, and Jill all telling me that Otto is going for me, sending me receipts, and I'm so so afraid I will be gone tonight. All it takes is for one of BH5 to flip and I'm gone. Or an idol. The plan is for BH5 plus Lake and Lucy to vote Otto, but I'm terrified of idols right now. Ah.. I'm just so afraid I can't even think right now

The names I've heard come up are KYLE, LUCY, and LAKE. Personally I'd want KYLE or LAKE out, but I'm not confident there are numbers there to get either of them out? I actually would really want KYLE out because I think targeting LUCY for "inactivity" is really boring and stupid because it doesn't push the game in a more fluid direction. Eliza apparently wants the FOUR people to pick off the SIX people until we're down to the core. She probably wants this because she'd win. I'm SLEEP!!! I think that is just so boring and stale and pointless and it's like... what's the point of playing if the plan is just to pick off the minority, and then pick off the people outside of the core alliance? Like shake it up... have some fun? Make some moves. Try to have a good time. If Eliza got to the end I'd probably vote for anyone that wasn't HER because she seems to be the one sort of leading that charge for this stale gameplay. Anyways. Whatever. I'm trying to talk more and have funny conversations with people so we all have a good time. But I don't think I'd get to the end because? I just don't have a tight alliance with anyone. But ALSO like.... it would make sense for people to take me to the end as a goat....  Moving forward I think my only/best option is to just.... win challenges! And every time I'm immune I can just.... TRY to shake things up to gain favour with the jury maybe? Idk.

WHEW I'm the moment when I forget I'm a 20 year old good girl from Massachusetts and jump head-first into the Discourse in the tribe chat. In a span of five minutes, I threw myself onto Team Wine and talked about shook white boys with a RuPaul obsession likeeeeeeeeeeeeee I probably should have just dropped a selfie while I was at it, I'm a damn mess. In other news Jill is rude, I deserved immunity, Otto is a disaster, no one trusts Ed, I might be working with Lake in a minute, no one remembers Geo exists but he still lost immunity first, and idk a Lucy but I still wanna thank her for that open flower last round that was real sweet of her. And Ed is right, "it's a dick, they're not that complicated" from the tribe chat really does need to be an episode title <3

So thinking about my conversation with Otto in the tribe chat last night, I am realizing something. The reason the alliance of 5 between Melissa, Eliza, Ed, Payton and myself is together is because we are all usually online for this. The others are not on as much and it's difficult to really plan votes with them. I don't even know how to talk to any of them about the votes because I don't usually talk to them and they don't talk to me. As ugly and boring as our 5 person alliance steam-rolling merge is, I think it may be my best chance. I am hoping that no one is going to try anything shady. I want to be the one to do shady things. F5 terrifies me because idk how it will go. I basically hope i can make it past that tribal and then I will be happy

Voting against Eliza's wishes.

But Jill deserves it.

I'm so mad. Fight me.

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS TRIBAL IS A MESS. A HUGE, HUGE, MESS.

I am literally hyperventilating. Jill pretty much told Otto we know about his plans and if he has an idol, it's definitely being played. Payton and Ed say that if Otto plays an idol, Ed will play his idol on me. Im just so... why would Jill do that? If she winds up leaving because of this, I'm fine with it but.. I'm literally freaking out and I'm also trying to kill zombies right now and I just can't focus. If i need to play the simulation, I will