#havent posted a fanfic on tumblr in forever

[tossball-stick]

hey. i know that reblogs of posts dont reach people very well. so i am making one here too

im uninstalling tumblr!! im not deleting it. i just wont be here unless i think of checking in on my pc. i havent been having much fun here lately anyway.

once i get around to finally posting fanfic again thatll be here, but also that all is taking. forever. im a slow writer atm. hoping ill speed up without tumblr.

follow my bluesky if you wanna keep better up to date with me and my cowboys fixation, or go find my ao3 if you only want future writing

[estrophore]

Signalis Post (barely coherent thought vomit)

So I finished signalis on Monday and i think ive just about recovered enough for me to make a gush post about it on tumblr dot com, which i think i have to do cause i dont think any other game has really hit me as hard as this one. Spoilers obvs.

Being pre-transion, with that associated depression and closing off from oneself, ive always found it difficult to get out my feelings, even in private with just myself, and yet signalis has filled me throughout with its beautiful romantic melancholy and left me genuinely sobbing for the gay robot and her space girlfriend (almost worried that if id played this game on estrogen it might actually have just killed me on the spot). the only other times i can think of where i really cried were playing We Know The Devil near the beginning of the year, which really fkin hit the part of me that struggles to accept myself, and that time i rewatched the last episode of she-ra after reading the ‘Word War Etheria’ fanfic, which brings the characters so much more to life i fell for them all over again.

Signalis is a game that calls back to a lot of classic horror like resident evil and silent hill, which i havent got round to playing any of yet, but i think nostalgia works both ways sometimes and i’ll be playing them sooner now. sometimes horror gets stereotyped as all death and violence, some games fill themselves with skulls and corpses, and big ugly monsters and basically shout ‘DEATH!’ in your face repeatedly and it all just comes off as a bit garish and ridiculous and not actually very scary really. Signalis sits at the other end of that scale (with some of my other fav horror games like soma, cry of fear) where its environs are most usually just… quiet. Still. Muffled. Sad. just as often as theres tension or creeping fear because of this i find theres a strange kind of comfort too. Maybe its just that in most other genres of games theres so much of music, UI elements, pickups and interactibles with vibrant design. Here, theres room for your mind to just occupy the space. A soft fog. A dimly lit room. An empty train. Snow out a window. Liminal spaces that dont expect anything from you.

Signalis is a game thats just simply, unapologetically gay, and i dont think i would have been quite so invested in Elster and Ariane’s relationship if they were a straight couple. Its why representation is important, if art’s way for us to explore our emotions then its important to have media that we can relate to. Even Adler’s role isnt typically masculine. Our replika characters are manufactured, designed for certain roles in the base. Notes from the tough Stars and Storchs in the shooting range, the dollish Eules with the fairy lights and music player in the dorm. I couldnt help but think of groups of Eules sat around chatting, together, and im yearning for that feeling of togetherness, of understanding a friend that closely. I somehow missed the couple in the mineshaft (next playthough, ill find you v_v ). Despite the harshness of life in the Eusan nation (especially for the gestalts) the characters in it are defined by their feelings of belonging and hope. With the obvious parallels to east germany, i think of posters of cosmonauts and space travel from the time. Propaganda, sure but also made with the genuine belief in something greater. When the events of the game take this away, well, we find the last Kolibri, whod rather lose herself than lose her [ah. Im not sure theres a word here to properly describe the relationship they embody]. Its a game defined by loneliness.

We dont lie up at night scared by some corrupted android. We arent stuck with horror at the flesh everywhere, not on its own. We lie awake thinking about Elster and Ariane’s love for each other, the horror of their decline, the futility of trying to hold on forever. Its existential horror done perfectly. It shows an ending postponed and stretched far beyond its limits, and so squarely reminds you that you do, in fact, have to die one day. You’ll break down. One day you’ll say your last words to the people you love and you wont even know you have. Ariane’s final few diaries arrive with the full force of the narrative behind it, like a spear through my heart. For the record, I got the promise ending. Im still sad. It's a game about raging desperately against an unfair ending. I might think about this game for the rest of my life. I would sincerely say its an artistic masterpiece, by the sure definition of video games as art.

I like that the story leaves a lot open and abstract. I think it makes the emotional themes takes centre stage more. And i havent had nearly enough time to sift through it and come up with my own takes, we’ll need a few more playthroughs for that. And theres so much more to say that cant go in just these few paragraphs! Signalis is a game about two girls who had to run away from everything to find someone they belonged with. The universe may be cold and bleak, but you have to try, you might just find something beautiful, even if it doesnt last forever. I think if anything, we should all have the chance to find love and happiness like that, and we shouldnt have abandon a world that doesnt work for us to do it.

[deathandthemaiden23]

Bro idk who's around me rn idk who's really still here in this fandom idk who will even see this or read it and i dont wanna get into it (proceeds to get into it) but ive been on a grand fucking expedition to confront past trauma and shit lately which whoopeee what else is new for what basically amounts to a dreamworks adult obsessed with the grim reaper from shrek specifically i think there's probably an actual good reason this is my biggest blorbo yet (which by the way, my good bitches, is truly saying something) beyond "big scary wolf sexy" but like anyways its been a hot fuckin second of me just sort of existing in purgatory with basically only this character to keep me real company the whole time chipping away at fanfic and makin doodles here and there while trying to solve the great big fuckin mystery of hey pal is there any particular reason you spend most of your free time fantasizing at length about being loved and cared for by literal fuckin death but um i kinda sorta had been making peace lately with the very real possibility that probably the only reappearances from Death we'd see going forward in this franchise would kinda just be relegated to stuff like being a playable character in that dumbass mario kart game they made recently that they had the audacity to charge $50 for the version with him in it and I was immediately prepared to shell out the fuckin money regardless anyways tldr this is my longwinded way of saying bless harvey fuckin guillen for supposedly saying he wants to reprise his role as perrito in shrek 5 and specifically mentioning he wanted to know more about his backstory including the near death experience he had in the sock that he still wears like ok let me be clear im not getting my hopes up for shit im super excited about the idea of harvey and everybody reprising their roles for future shrek installments but i know shit be disappointing sometimes and it just be like that sometimes blablabla alright nothing is set in stone in this cursed ass timeline we're in bbbbbbut

✨️H O W E V E R✨️

I cannot help but think in some kind of weirdly jaded optimism that surely dreamworks would not fucking let the absolute furry cashcow that Death is go to fucking waste if they're bringing shrek back to the big screen it just seems incredibly fuckin stupid this big fuckin bastard gave everyone a boner when last wish dropped to the extent that i actually didnt know anything about last wish going in to see it in theaters the first time knew nothing of the plot who was in it whatever right THE ONLY FUCKIN KNOWLEDGE I HAD OF LAST WISH PRIOR TO SITTING DOWN AND WATCHING IT WAS "OH I GUESS THERE'S A WOLF CHARACTER AND EVERYONE WANTS TO FUCK HIM" LMFAO UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKIN YEAR RIGHT LOL anyways if dreamworks doesnt seize the opportunity to give him at least one more like visible cameo appearance anywhere in whatever they can squeeze out of the shrek franchise after it was dead (lmfao) for like years (the puss in boots show is little known to anyone sadly and also it seems vaguely noncanonical if that makes sense stuff gets said on the regular in that show that just seems too batshit even for shrek standards) I'll genuinely like die of shock the entertainment industry is chock full of companies just like dreamworks always achin to get their hands on another iconic character they can squeeze money out of ad infinitum and like i dont want that to happen with Death I dont but also... please just let him show up at least one more time dreamworks throw this bitch a bone im begging you you will make so much money i promise u the thirsty tumblr fans are no joke we'll bankroll your ass to the moon and back

I feel it would be remiss of me not to offer some form of content after all this impassioned war and peace length solilioquy about the scu (shrek cinematic universe) so here's an old WIP from forever ago im like 90% i havent posted here (if i have oh fuckin well tbh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) its a lil scene from chapter 2 of my death fic where he gets caught redhanded picking flowers for his crush because he's a dork ass loser and wants to impress her without coming on too strong lmao like bro she's so into you just go for it

[cchipollo]

yay!! a yourbeurokrat2 reblog yahooo! i do wanna discuss some of these points because i want to talk about this au (and because i forgot to explain it properly in the original post due to tumblr giving me the absolute shits)

i'll probably put it under keep reading because this post is so long already haha

i personally think that picard doesn't harbour much feelings for q. his feelings towards romance are probably incredibly neutral. so maybe its the fact that q is extremely nonchalant for being a captain or his constant peacocking that intrigues picard im not sure. if he did have feelings he'd definitely not admit it he's still a q after all. i like to think it's probably a continuum taboo to have any attachment towards anyone who is mortal.

he probably doesn't care much for being naked neither, it's just q is so smug about it lol

you pretty much got the deja q picard idea down! we talked about how picard was probably sparing help to other alien species rather than causing them grief. at some point we discussed picard helping a species and then that backfiring in some way and maybe that makes this version's equivalent of the kalamarian?

as for the qpid revisal, the idea we had discussed was that picard gets curious about human romance, q immediately takes him up on it and sets up a holodeck date where he shows picard "the greatest love story", ~romeo and juliet~. we sort of talked about what the conflict would be and for a while it was the holodeck breaking down but then we talked about the involvement of vash (who is probably an ex of q's in this au) and how she should be paris. at the end picard probably goes to explore human romance with vash and q is like "oh my god please no no no please no"

(should be noted most of the romeo and juliet ideas go to mark because i havent read/watched that shit in FOREVER i had to go on SPARKNOTES man)

and then vash and picard would separate and when picard comes back to the ship and tells q, q is immediately back on him lol

OH and also this whole thing was inspired by this fanfic. mark sent it my way and now we've been talking about it for maybeeee four days straight lol i want to share so much about it but i dont know where to start without drawing it out haha so i'll probably draw more of this 👍

been talking to @technicolor-dreamss about a qcard swap au where q's captain and picard's a q. ive uploaded this like two or three times please tumblr let this go through. im begging.

[trainer-stealthclaw]

Drowning Through Time

Summary:  With every timeloop that passes, Ayano, the Snake of Retaining Eyes, is pulled deeper into an abyss that feels all too much like one of her own making. Genre: Fantasy/Angst Pairing: Ayano Tateyama/Shintaro Kisaragi (mentioned) Word count: 1911 A/N: This is a counterpart to a previous fic of mine, Never-Ending, which can be read here.  TW: Suicide mention

Read on FF.Net

She watches through his eyes. She recorded everything into his memories. Every time, he fails. Every time, the loop repeats.

Sometimes, he dies on his way home from the amusement park along with the rest of the Mekakushi Dan. Others, he's killed during the hostage takeover at the mall. Rarely, it’s in the sinister laboratory under the school…if he manages to get that far.

And then there are the times when he doesn't even make it to eighteen years, where he throws his own life away. Where she's forced to watch as he gives up on the world and everything in it, unable to turn her eyes away from the horrifying sight. And usually, it's all her fault. Those are the times she hates the most.

Ayano isn't sure how much more she can bear. The timeloops have been going on for so long, she'd lost count centuries ago. She isn't even sure if she really is herself, anymore. She had long ago given up her physical humanity, back when she had taken on the role of the Snake of Retaining Eyes, and whenever she speaks to Shintaro, in the few loops where he managed to awaken to her presence, she grows even more sure that she had given up her humanity in spirit as well.

Not that it mattered, she supposes. Nothing much does, anymore.

She watches as he speaks awkwardly to the version of her from this timeloop. Both of them fifteen, without so much of a guess as to what was waiting for them in that grim future.

The Ayano of this timeline smiles shyly, fiddling with her bright red scarf as she chats with Shintaro.

So innocent, Ayano thinks. She wonders what this other version of herself would think, if she knew just how many times her actions had led to countless timelines' downfalls, how many loops she had sabotaged by inadvertently breaking Shintaro's spirit with her eventual death.

Such an irony, really. Everything she has worked towards, everything that she had to sacrifice her own humanity for, was destroyed by none other than, well, herself.

She used to wonder what drove her counterpart to her death. One would think that technically being the same person would mean that she understood. But she doesn’t. The timeline that she had originated from is completely different from the ones she has seen, since becoming the Snake of Retaining Eyes.

She, herself, had never been Shintaro's classmate, unlike this one. In fact, she hadn’t even made it to middle school. She had dropped out when she was barely out of elementary school, the sight of her parents’ deaths fresh in her mind and vengeful resentment towards innocent Mary festering in her heart.

As far as she knew, this Ayano doesn’t know Mary. Has never even met the girl. Instead, she is friends with schoolmates Haruka and Takane, the two whom she herself had never gotten the chance to know in her own life. And from what she has gathered, her younger siblings still love this Ayano.

That…is something that she cannot really say for herself. Not since the accident.

This Ayano, that Shintaro encounters in each timeloop, is completely different from her. They might as well be entirely different people.

To be honest, she resents her. Not only is she throwing a wrench in her goal, to end this eternal cycle, but as far as she could tell, this Ayano has everything. Her family loves her. Her friends love her. She gets to go to school and be normal. She gets to spend time with her beloved (in her own timeline, Ayano barely got more than a day).

So…why? Why does this Ayano give it all up?

Her questions are answered in one timeline, when Kano, her foster brother, gives a rough explanation that leaves her furious and hungering for more answers that no one would give.

The fact that this version of Ayano is staking her very existence on the chance to stop the Snake of Clearing Eyes from achieving his goal is, perhaps, far too expected to be surprising (it is exactly what she herself is doing, is it not?).  But to think that she is purposefully driving him into a corner, unwittingly giving him the excuse to force Mary to restart each timeloop and keep them trapped in this cycle? There is irony, and then there is cruelty. Never did Ayano think for one moment that her biggest obstacle would be herself.

It is surely her punishment, Ayano thinks to herself, for everything that she had done in her own life. As if giving up her humanity could ever make up for her sins, the grief she had caused.

As much as Ayano hates the Snake of Clearing Eyes, sometimes she supposes that maybe, she hates herself all the more.

—

She's died again. Ayano watches through Shintaro's tear-filled eyes. She herself feels nothing. This timeloop is likely doomed to fail, anyway. She knows the chain of events like the back of her hand now.

Before the week is out, Shintaro will officially be pulled out of school. By this evening, he'll already be shutting himself in his room.

Within the year, he'll meet Ene, the supposed artificial intelligence who is far more than meets the eye.

Whether he dies soon after that, or later down the line, the chain of events has already begun. This chain of time, that is like a noose constricting her neck. It doesn’t matter how much she screams and fights against it.

This is the fate she has sentenced herself to. This is her punishment for having the audacity to believe that they could make things right, that they could end this eternal cycle of tragedy. It is her hubris, hers and her counterpart’s, that led them to this damnation.

She, trapped in the mind of the one she loved but couldn’t reach, and her, condemned to an infinite world of loneliness in the Heat Haze realm. The two of them burying their feelings and humanity for the sake of a cause that would never come to fruition. Two sides of the same coin, both as foolish and reckless as the other.

She listens to Shintaro crying in the darkness of his room.

Shintaro…I definitely don’t deserve your tears, you know?

—

The clockwork whirs and clicks underneath them, a familiar metallic melody that she had grown used to. The musical rhythm of time itself, playing for them in this space that is only theirs. Not a space for comfort or heartfelt emotions. Those aren’t things she is allowed to have. Emotions are something to be stifled and choked.

No, this is a space for cold facts and uncomfortable truths. Where reality would come crashing down on him as he learns the horrifying truth, and she’d play the part of the callous snake that only appears to resemble the girl he loves.

(In fairness, he isn’t wrong, when he accuses her of being a fake. The Ayano he knows would never look at him with a frigid smile or such empty eyes. His Ayano is bright and full of life, her smile echoing memories of summer days. She, on the other hand, had long forgotten how to curl her lips in such a gentle expression or believe in things like heroism or friendship. It is for that same reason that she never wears that silly scarf. The red scarf is the symbol of a hero, something she could never be. Sometimes, she wonders when she had forgotten the ideals that she had once sworn by. Maybe she is nothing but the snake he sees in her).

Shintaro stands in front of her. His eyes are wide, watching her. His fingers tremble as he clutches at the hem of his jacket. He seems terrified beyond belief, now that he knows the truth of this tragedy that they are bound to.

Well, it isn’t as if she hadn’t expected this reaction from him. Anyone would be overwhelmed by centuries worth of memories. And it wasn’t like she was much better, being the keeper of those recollections.

She regards him with a curious tilt of the head as she looms over him. She never quite got used to the serpentine form that she takes when speaking to him like this, even if it has been centuries since she had been a real human being.

In the distance, she hears the faint chiming of bells. Their time is almost up.

Ayano takes a deep breath. This is the part you must play. Now, do it well.

She pushes herself to sound urgent. Pretend she has any semblance of hope. At the very least, she should give him some incentive to fight. If not for herself, then for their friends, those kids who don’t deserve to be a part of this tragic tale. She owes them that much, at least, she thinks.

“A new timeloop approaches,” she tells him. “Now that you remember the secrets of this never-ending tragedy, what will you do?”

It isn’t any use asking him, to be honest. She knows him too well. Has been with him far too long not to. This is where he gives up, the knowledge overwhelming him with despair. This would be another failure. Another regret to drown in.

She braces herself for the crushing sense of defeat to overwhelm them both.

But instead he stares at her, determination in his crimson eyes. They seem to burn, blazing with something that she hasn’t seen from him in a long time. Her breath catches in her throat.

“I was given this power for a reason. This time, that Clearing Eyes bastard will be the one to pay. I’ll make sure that this never-ending summer finishes for good.”

As if in response to his words, the bells toll around them, singing their songs of promise. Light fills the room. It’s blinding, like the dawn of a new morning. Relief bubbles up in her chest. The crushing weight in her lungs lifts.

For the first time in forever, Ayano breathes. And she smiles.

[scully-loves-ruthie]

Salt Part 1

It was a quiet car ride. The clicking of the steering wheel the only accompaniment to her thoughts.  There wasn’t any great speech to give her.  No life changing confession would be spilling from Mulder’s lips.  She made her decision, and he wasn’t going to change her mind.  Too many years spent shifting in the passenger seat waiting for him to look up, look over, wake the fuck up and say what he meant.  Actually meant.  Unfortunately, she suffered enough conspiracy filled car rides to know that what she was looking for was never something he would be giving.  Sure, he slipped just enough sensitivity into his words one night, to get them tumbling into bed together.  And sure, it was one of the greatest sexual encounters of her life, but that was all it was ever going to be with him.  She didn’t want to go to one more shitty motel room, or see one more questionable murder scene, and she certainly didn’t want to hear about anymore fucking conspiracies with them always and forever swirling at the center. No, she had made her decision. Daniel.  She loved him once and knew she could love him again.  All that was left to do was tell Mulder.  She knew what would happen, she’d been victim to that bottom lip, sparkly eyed confession machine hallway of his before. Not this time.  She wasn’t interested in anything he had to say. She wanted a life away from the FBI, she wanted some meaning and purpose that didn’t consist of a basement bubbling over with a broken man's crusade.

The elevator dinged as she got out on his floor.  Her hands were steady and her will was iron.  He would not be changing her mind.  He let her in excited to see her, his mouth filled with proclamations of fate and timing, and whatever romanticized non comital bullshit he’d wrapped himself up in today.  He was grabbing her hands pulling her towards him making every attempt to have that fire that spits and pops between them consume her.  She was ice, frozen in the finality of her decision, no sparks would ignite anymore.

“Mulder.” She said dropping his hands and retreating to his doorway.  “I came here to tell you I’m leaving.”  She shakes her hair away from her eyes letting the air hiss out of her lips.  “Not that I’m leaving, that I have left.”

“Scully what are you talking about, I just got back, I wanted to tell you about my trip, about how much I wish you would have come with me.”  He advances toward her reaching for her hands, but she pulls back shaking her head.  The move freezing him in place, a spooked animal realizing his life is in danger, but unaware from which direction it comes.

“I just left Skinner.  I’ve resigned effective immediately.”  She spits the words out, desperate to release the tannins they coated her tongue with. Mulder stares at her mouth agape bottom lip pulsing.  Head shaking, primed to do some begging, she knows, she’s been here before.

“Scully... listen, I know you’re pissed about the trip, and things have been a little tense lately but, resigned... Jesus Christ Scully... resigned. I need you!”

“I know you do Mulder.  But I don’t need you, and even more I don’t want you.  I don’t want you Mulder.”  That’s all there is, the final blow.  The words neither of them can ever come back from.  She takes one last look at him standing there sinking into himself, tears aching to escape his eyes.  He is for the first time in his life without rebuttal.  He can feel it, his heart actually shredding and sliding out through his toes.  It crackles and seals itself into the air around him, heartbreak.  He watches as Scully turns to leave, back straight, eyes firm and focused on the elevator, on her escape route away from him.  He tries to follow her but takes one step and fails. He simply stands in the doorway of his apartment watching her go she doesn’t turn around as the elevator doors close, doesn’t afford him one last look at her face.  No, she’s really going.  He crumples down the doorframe, achingly aware that she will never walk through it again.  

It was easier than she thought, leaving Mulder.  Sure, he looked destroyed but he’s not, not really.  Only his ego is bent, shucked sideways but nowhere near broken.  It’s too much all at once for him to be expected to process the fact that she doesn’t want to partake in his senseless quest or prop him up every time his sister shimmers into a case, or his fucked-up family tree threatens to smack him over the head with another dysfunctional branch.  No, he doesn’t really care that she’s going he only cares she’s going somewhere he didn’t say to first.  Or at least that’s what she tells herself, or more accurately believes, that’s how we’ve gotten here.  One too many nights of coming in second to whatever it was that made him think he’d found his answers.  But not Daniel.  She is his answer.  She doesn’t have to worry that he’ll always be one foot out the door, always looking around the corner for some big bad out to get them.  It wasn’t how she was going to spend the rest of her life, but it would be how he’d spend his.  

[prhynefisher]

♛  “Malfoy just laughs, eyes bright. Harry’s not sure he’s ever seen him  laugh before — or, well. Of course Harry’s sure he has, he must have  laughed plenty at school, in mockery and lording himself over everyone  else and generally being a tiny blonde whirlwind of unpleasant  evil-adjacent chaos, but. He’s never seen this, Malfoy’s wide smile and  the lithe lines of his throat as his head tips slightly back. (…) It’s a nice laugh, low and rich, crinkling his eyes at the corners. Harry’s surprised by it.”

- What We Pretend We Can’t See by @gyzym

[wavesmp3]

Hi!!! I just wanted to say how much I enjoy your works!! I think they’re amazing and I go back and reread them every now and then bc I love them so much. I think you’ve got such a beautiful way with words and a wonderful talent for writing, it’s the kind that leaves a good lasting impression. I think about your stories from time to time and remember them in such a fond way (my faves are Oasis, The Sea is Yours to Take, and Eurydice 😌💗). I hope you’re proud of your work because you have so many reasons to be! Have a great day!!

oh wow thank you so much for this ask! im so happy that my works made an impression on you and that you feel such a way about my writing and some of my pieces. those are some of my favorites too :) hope youre having a good day too!

[hikari-writes]

Heyyoo,,,

It's me, that bitch Hikari who disappeared without saying a word for two whole years-

Owkdnkwndjw where do i start man-

First of all, I am deeply, truly, sorry for disappearing on you guys like that, really. I owe you guys an explanation but tbh i just think im making excuses at this point. But i just wanna say that Im sorry. Im really really sorry…

I promised myself that i wont be active here again until april of next year (ill explain later as to why) but i thought id just drop in rq to notice you guys that im still here, alive and well, and fortunately not dead yet-

It's been so long since i last wrote any fanfic, and i havent written anything proper ever since 2 years ago, but i rlly miss being able to write,, it was one of my passion, and still is even tho i never wrote anything for the past years,,, id rlly like to come back and revive this dead writing blog once im finally free on april of 2023… I hope you guys will be able to welcome me back at that time with open arms (or just dropkick me for being so inactive i dont mind whichever ahhseilwnekdj)

I have an upcoming big exam next year from february to march 2023, an exam that will carve my path as an adult, which, if any of you malaysians seeing this, yes its SPM. U could say my whole career depends on this, hence why I've been so inactive on tumblr for the past years (and also some other reasons but thats one of it)

I know a lot of my moots have moved on, some still here and some have deactivated or delete their account and all i feel is,, regret. A lot of my moots are what helped me get through my darker moments during quarantine, and the fact that ill probably lose contact with them for forever is horrifying. I wish i had at least contacted them for one last time b4 i disappeared 2 years ago. I wish i was able to ask for their other socmed so that i can still contact them. It's stupid, i know, since I'm the one who disappeared on yall in the first place. I rlly, rlly, am sorry. I just hope you know that. 

I rlly miss you guys. I truly do. Its been so long. You guys are the sweetest people ive ever had the pleasure of knowing and im truly blessed by that fact. I srsly dont deserve you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for always putting up with my antics and simpings, and always just,,, being the sweetest person ever. I truly dont deserve yall. You guys are the reason i still havent deleted or deactivated my acc. I just cant let go of you guys. Thats why i still keep this up even tho im hella inactive. So that i can still come back here, someday. 

Ive gotten into some more fandoms while i was gone, and I'll add that to my masterlist. I promise when i come back, ill write more for you guys (even tho my writing aint nothing special windijskd) 

Thank you again for all the support youve given me for the past years. I appreciate every one of you <333 I have so many things i wanna say but its all jumbled up and my mind's a mess but just know that im sorry and thank you, for just,, everything 💞💞💞 i hope when i come back, i can still be the hikari you guys remember me as 💓

This isn't a goodbye post, far from it. This is simply a see you later post. I love you guys, stay hydrated, and always rmmbr that ure an awesome person who deserves all the love in the world 💗💗💗

-Signing off for now,

Hikari

[ledamemangociana]

this is not a happy post

apologies in advance, especially to anyone who followed me coz of my various gifsets; i know this kind of thing isn’t what you’re here for. 

i’m unfortunately prone to a venting a lot and lengthily when my depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues get the better of me. most of the time, im feels-vomiting on my twitter, mostly coz i havent used my tumblr quite as regularly as i used to 6, maybe 7 years ago. i’m mostly doing this here now coz i feel like i need the writing momentum to not be stilted by having to click the “add new tweet” button over and over again.

so. i’m turning 35 two weeks from now. and it is getting to me, possibly because of the situation that the pandemic has kept me in for the past year and a half, maybe because 35 feels like a milestone adult age, maybe because turning 35 means 40 is right around the corner. and the closer my 35th birthday is, the more i’m plagued by thoughts of where i am now, where i’m probably supposed to be as an adult, where i wanted to be, and the thought that i’m just never gonna be good enough to not be who and where i am now.

in feb 2020, i started my new job as the digital marketing manager for a pair of upscale hotels, the biggest deal of a job i’ve ever gotten since i started working in late 2011, and the biggest paycheck i’ve ever signed on for too. for the first time in a long time, possibly in forever, the few big dreams i had ever had for myself seemed to be attainable; it felt like they could become goals. a solo trip to japan, getting a place for myself instead of living in the family condo, growing my collections, maybe having an actual social life, those kinds of things seemed within reach.

and then, literally a month into my new job, the country went into lockdown, and legitimately has never come out of it. my work situation changed drastically, to the point where i ran up both of my credit card bills before the year was over (i literally only just got one of them fully paid off last week, and only because my sister was a HUGE help), and i was living off the limited family funds and relying on dad to take care of me. i had a freelance client for a handful of months, only for them to drop me without word at the end of our contract, leaving me without a chunk of the only funds i was making on my own for a while. i’m now working sporadically at my regular job, with a significant cut to my paid hours and therefore my paycheck, but the tasks list just seems to grow longer with each task that i check off of it, leaving me overworked and underpaid (but of course,i know im not alone or special in this, some people have it far worse than me and i’m grateful that i even have a regular work schedule, even if it does look the way it does). im 260 lbs., wearing size 22 or 24 clothes, somewhat sickly and prone to constant painful gout attacks that make it difficult for me to walk, living in a condo unit owned by family because they’re letting me live here, making only a third of the salary i normally should at work without the panemic, subsisting on junk food and softdrinks (it’s an addiction) because much of my money leaves my wallet and goes to paying bills and loans as soon as the money comes in, alone, unloved, unlovable, as prone to hyperfixation as i’ve ever been, and putting up with constantly re-attaching bromides and instax pics that keep falling off of my recently completed anime wall.

i’m 34 years old. i’m turning 35 in two weeks.

you know who else is 34/35 this year? the local barangay captain, a member of the local govnerment unit, who was one of my classmates in grade school and high school. a few years ago, i had seen a tarp across the street advertising her local work-out and yoga classes.

i’ve always hated the question “where do you see yourself 5 years from now/10 years from now/in the future?” because i’ve never been able to truthfully answer it, even when i wasnt an emotionally unstable mess (which was all the way back in elementary). i close my eyes and try to imagine it, and nothing ever comes up. i’d like to think i have an active enough imagination to have been able to write fanfic a lot back in the day, so you know it’s bad when i can’t even imagine a lofty future for myself. at this point in my life, i can’t even say “just simply alive” because i truly don’t know if i will be, i don’t see it. that’s fatalistic, maybe, but i really have never been able to imagine myself living to 40, let alone past that. anything i want for myself remain dreams, things i dont deserve because im not thin, pretty, smart, cultured, skilled. and the closer i get to 40, the less of that already non-existent future i see. 

and it’s just depressing, you know. like. it’s already so hard being depressed about and hating myself WITHOUT this added thought of “you are only growing older and fatter and are headed literally nowhere and everyone your age is far more responsible and mature than you could even dream you’d ever be” mixed in there too. maybe this is just me beating myself up and being my own harshest bully, but what’s stopping me from believing that i deserve this bullying of myself by myself, lmao. 

i dread every birthday. i stopped dreaming things for myself a long time ago. these are all things i just know i can’t and won’t ever live up to, because i’m just this useless sack of potatoes rotting away in the corner of some barn while everyone else is finding some use for themselves and able to make lemonade out of their own lemons, and stuff like that. and yet knowing i’ll never be those things or have those things makes me sad. for someone with a laundry list of negative things about myself i’ve just learned to accept so i can somehow function, having that list sure does make me sad. and it probably shouldn’t, if im so resigned to all of this, but maybe that’s just what happens when you hate yourself - there will always be a reason for you to hate yourself.

oh, and i think i’m coming down with carpal tunnel in my left hand. great.

[yeoldontknow]

❧ check in tag

tagged by the sweetest angel @propinqxity to do this little tag. this is such a cute list of questions, and some of these i dont think ive been asked before. thank you so much for the tag and the tumblr crush mention lovely. you truly are a bright spot on this website and i mean that sincerely <333

going under a cut because im certain i will ramble ~

1. Why did you choose this url?

its sort of like a pun between yall dont know and the fact that, hopefully, sincerely, chanyeol does not in fact know that i run this blog lmao i changed to this after a long time of being bread-jinie and i wanted to rebrand. i will, however, do my best to never change URLs again because the masterlist switch over was a complete hassle

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them

i have a fic recs blog called @yeoldontknowiread. as to why i have it, i know it hasnt been updated in ages since ive been kind of on hiatus, but i think reading and sharing work on this platform is immensely important. i actually read quite a lot of fanfiction, and i try my best to share the things i read. im very very behind on recs at the moment cause i try my best to write something substantial for every recommendation i make. as a writer, i know exactly the kinds of thoughts and feedback on fics that make my heart soar so i try to put in the same energy to my recs. community is only fostered when there is reciprocation

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

hmmm since april 2017. i actually had my 4 year anniversary this year and i did have plans for things but i got roped into real life things and couldnt celebrate the way i truly wanted to :(

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no but sometimes i think i should. i view tags as a library on top of my knee jerk response to things. most of my tags are just my initial thoughts or feelings at any given moment, so those take precedence over a specific queue tag

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

when i was getting into exo, i was reading fanfiction like crazy. i used to write fanfic quite a lot in other fandoms, but at that time i hadnt written anything in about 2.5 years. exo was the first re-introduction to that feeling of excitement and inspiration. after about 3 weeks of straight reading, i decided i wanted to write again. i wrote the prologue to hero in about two hours and tried logging into AO3 to post it. sadly i forgot all of my log in information because it had been years, and was getting frustrated. i really wanted to put it somewhere out of fear that id lose interest if i didnt do something with it, and everything id read had been on tumblr. so i made a tumblr just to put hero lmao i didnt have any mutuals. it was a blog with straight 0. i hadnt even created an account to interact with writers before that moment, i really thought id be a silent reader forever. but exo woke me back up and for that i am eternally grateful.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

the yours music video is...so stunning? like the colour theory throughout the whole thing is truly so inspiring and gorgeous. and this shot of chanyeol looking at the painting took my breath away, truly. tulips and the color of peach, like do you know how evocative that is? ugh

7. Why did you choose your header

my header was made by @jamaisjoons for my birthday this year because shes literally the most talented person when it comes to graphics. and this was so kind of her to do, i cried a lot

8. What's your post with the most notes?

uhm....either the body through time or truth i cant remember which but i checked recently and its one of those

9. How many mutuals do you have?

honestly at this point im not even sure. i know ive lost a bunch while i was on hiatus because i was basically a dead blog, and some people do dash cleanses. and im certain others have left, too, for their own reasons. still, i have a good core of friends though who are active and that is enough for me

10. How many followers do you have?

more than i probably deserve

11. How many people do you follow?

399

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

uhm i guess? there was a time when nng was not updated and every wednesday id post the days go by music video in sadness and grief but im not a big shitposter. if i make a text post its usually a life update or me crying about chanyeol, theres no inbetween lmao

13. How often do you use Tumblr every day?

tbh i havent used tumblr that often, not since march i think. i used to use it many times a day, checking in on friends and stuff, but once i started focusing on my phd applications i was only here sporadically. i didnt make an announcement either, just let my blog run on queue so i wasnt totally gone. i think i was checking in twice a week or maybe once every two weeks to refill my queue and check mentions etc. but now that my interviews are done im trying to get back on here daily to reconnect

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

ive had my share of disagreements with people and any details about those situations shall remain as they are meant to: private

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

in what context? like, you need to reblog this or your wish wont come true? or like, please reblog this to spread the word/spread awareness, etc? in the case for the former, i scroll right by. in the case of the latter, if im around and see someone raising a go fund me or some major event is occurring and i find a post with good sources or charities i will reblog. mostly though, the full extent my activism isnt really on this blog. its my escape from reality. my activism is usually placed on other platforms.

16. Do you like tag games?

i doooo!!! theyre so fun i love learning about my friends

17. do you like ask games?

i love those too! theyre so cute and usually a nice way to have interaction immediacy with people in the community

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

no one. can we please abandon this notion of fame on tumblr? arent we all here to write about some dick and some smut and some fluff and then hang out together and log off? lmao tumblr isnt reality and followers/fame is so arbitrary on this platform, no one has any control over any of it

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i am in love with so many people here. let me name a few:

@yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @inkedtae @kookdiaries @yoonia @dulcetvk @kithtaehyung @imdifferentshadesofpurple @ditzymax @sugaurora @sahmbtsficrecs @junghelioseok @yeojaa @augustbutwinter @joonscore @btssavedmylifeblr @cutechim @sunshinekims @kimtaehyunq @ouvuo @delhyun @exo-stentialism @sooibian @softyoongiionly @jinseunie @zibermuda @bratkook @1kook @luffles424 @xjoonchildx

and so many other people and mutuals that i am certainly forgetting. love is such an expansive feeling, and it encompasses platonic ardor and creative desire. i admire every single person listed for so many different reasons, and cherish and treasure them or what they provide to the community. love is such an important and broad experience. truly, i hope they feel adored every single day x

[satoruvt]

fanfic writer tag game <3

helloooo <3 thank u for tagging me @hannie-dul-set this is so cute lol

ummmm! i think i will tag. @leejuyeeon and @seokmingiggles !! and as always anyone else who wants to <33

peum ~

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

omg lets see if i can do this in order. i think the first fandom i ever wrote fanfic for was creepypasta LMAOO and then... fairy tail? then 5 seconds of summer, then maybe it 2017?? voltron legendary defender, detroit become human, monster prom and mystic messenger kind of overlapped, the arcana !!! then my hero academia, haikyuu, a Little bit of demon slayer... i think thats it lol

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

seventeen is all for rn, but i’m thinking of also writing for mha again and adding jjk!!

3. how long have you been writing?

oh wow for like... probably around 6 years? maybe 6 and a half

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

rn just tumblr, i used to post more actively on ao3 but i havent since i started writing for kpop

5. what is your favourite genre to write?

ahhh like !!! comfort fics!!! i think theres something really sweet in those unspoken feelings during moments you think you’ll never forget... the idea of being with someone and you’re just so sure they’re your favorite person, and then warmth that comes with that realization... wahh

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

oh it depends i think. for longer fics i like to plan them out, but i really wing it with like timestamps or shorter ones

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

ONE SHOTS. my god i fucking suck at multi-chapter shit LMAOO ive only done 1 series like that and it was so rough for me lol

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

hm how do i explain this... anything that makes sense? however long it takes for it to feel like the chapter/fic is summed up or completed. i used to worry about word counts a lot but now i rarely pay attention to them, both in reading and writing

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?

if we’re talking about multi-chaptered, then the color of you wins at 17k !! in terms of one shots, it’s for now; forever at 9k!

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

oh boy. i think... anything from the last like. 8 months? my svt stuff for sure!! i went a while without writing in between like january-late november 2020, and i was worried that my writing would suffer a lot... it took a sec for me to get back into the groove of things but i’m feeling happier than ever with the stuff i write now. i feel like ive matured about the way i approach my own writing and ideas, and how i do everything, and my fics make me really proud. ive started writing within different aus that i hadnt touched before, or talking about different feelings or ideas, etc... i really feel like ive grown with this most recent burst lol, and i love working on them! i get so hyped up when im in the middle of writing or even planning, im just so excited to share all of it hehe

11. favorite request you've have written and why (if any?)

ah its been so long since ive worked with requests that i cant remember anything LOL

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

yes. it is comfort and content. it is the feeling of love. it is holding hands on a walk in the middle of spring and smelling flowers. it is the sound of leaves when a gust of wind blows past. it is looking into ur lovers eyes and feeling nothing but pure fondness

13. current number of wips?

fuck like somewhere around 20 probably

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing?

i really like repetition (specifically in sentences if that makes sense??), LOTS of unspoken things (even if i picture a fic with an established relationship, i dont say it within the fic; and especially concerning romantic feelings, i love when things go unsaid and are FELT full force), i think a lot of detailed rambling... i really like to try and describe emotions and stuff in the most abstract and obscure ways lol i feel like it makes things a little more palpable and honest

15. a quote you like from a published story

im gonna do a few. Lol. firstly this long one from pretend people can unlearn:

“Are you…” Jeonghan starts, and when you look at him, his eyes are still on the city in front of you. “Are you ever afraid that we’ll fall out of love?”

It never occurred to you that this was love. It’s not like the love you’ve experienced in the past, not even close. But maybe… maybe that’s why you never leave, why you hold yourself back from certain arguments like it might fix everything. Maybe love is the reason why Jeonghan still seems to believe in you. Why he promises he’ll be the best thing for you despite always breaking that promise.

(Is it love, a voice in your head questions, or is it longing?)

It takes you a while to respond. “I don’t know,” you end up saying, because you really don’t. Jeonghan turns his head and looks at you, and you half expect him to start an argument in the middle of night, out on the street like this. It wouldn’t be the first time. “Would that… be okay?”

“I don’t know,” Jeonghan answers, just like you. His voice is soft. You want to reach for his hand just to hold it. “You’re still…”

He pauses, like he’s trying to find the right word. You let him take his time, for once, instead of accusing him of the worst. “I’m still?”

“Everything,” he tells you. He looks so sad and you reach out for him because it’s the only thing you can offer. You think the worst thing about your relationship with Jeonghan is that you will always believe him when he gets like this, just like you’ll believe him when he takes it back in the heat of a fight.

next is from like there isn’t something missing <3

But you’re crying into his chest because it’s not you, and it’s not him. Seungcheol wonders if it was always meant to be like this, if the two of you were always meant to part or if something… if something just went wrong, somewhere. A bump that did a bit more damage than either of you thought.

He tries not to think about it now. Tears fill his own eyes as he presses a kiss to your hair because he loved you. He truly did.

“I was so lucky to love you,” he murmurs, voice a cracked whisper. “I’m so happy I got the chance.”

When Seungcheol wakes up the next morning in an empty bed, he’s not surprised. But the Post-It note that’s dressed in your handwriting…

Well. It’s over.

and this last one from only for you, i will dance !!

“This will always be our own time,” he says. “We’ll meet here.”

You know. He says it every time. It never fails to make your heart soar.

“Our thirteenth month,” you say, just like every time. Chan smiles.

He kisses you so strong you feel yourself falling.

16. a quote from an unpublished story

ahh ok ill do a few here too!!! one is something ive begun writing, the other is one that i’ve just been working on planning out <3

Smoke blows past somebody else’s lips and partially obstructs Wonwoo’s view of you.

He hasn’t been to a party like this in a long time. It’s elegant, more of a gala than anything. He can’t remember who threw it or for what reason. It doesn’t really matter, he supposes, watching you make conversation with the partygoers. They all have old money to throw around, the symbolism stitched into their suit jackets and red-rimmed heels; remnants of it left on tables and in the contents of expensive cigars.

You play them like you are one of them, tell them the right things with a silver tongue. Wonwoo always watches, plays the part of an observer. It’s impressive, the way you float around the room like it’s nothing.

Wonwoo observes; Wonwoo knows things.

and the second one...

"you don't know me," you respond. your voice carries no bite, just a fact, and joshua knows this

"i want to," he says after a second. "if you'll let me."

and he's asking permission to be your friend, to be close to you, something so tender and strangely polite

it makes you feel almost sad

"don't expect too much," you say, a little teasing. joshua only smiles

17. space for you to say something to your readers

wahhh thank you all so much!!! when i first got into writing for kpop it was a lot different mostly because i think... i was writing stuff for different anime before, and i had built up a big following because of that and my works always did like, really exceptional in terms of notes and feedback and such, and getting into kpop... has been rough on that end 💀 but i appreciate your support thus far, even if it’s small... i’m still working towards a standard that i have for myself!!! so please be patient with me, thank you for the support !!

also please find it in yourself to leave lil comments or any sort of feedback... please..... PLEASE... any creator ever understands this struggle please always try to do this!!! for me and for any other creator you follow and enjoy content from <333

[star-wars-multishippers]

Get to Know Me(me) - The Members of SW Multishippers!

This was an event hosted on the Discord server to do a sort of re-introduction of both old and new joiners to the server. Everyone who wanted to participate filled out the survey below to share a little about themselves and about their faves in fandom.

Survey (for anyone who wants to join in below in the comments):

Who Am I? - Name, username on other sites, mini bio if you'd like Where do I fit into the SW fandom? - Prequels, Sequels, EU, etc. What do you do? Fic, art, lurking and reblogging? My Top Faves - 2 or 3 max please! My Own Stuff - 1 or 2 max please!

MBlair

Who am I?

MBlair both on Discord and on AO3, maggzblair on Tumblr (MBlair, maggzblair)

Where do I fit into the SW fandom?

Mostly lurker/reblogger/occasional writer, mostly Original Trilogy and Sequel trilogy.

Fics I Love to Rec

Of Queens, Knights, and Pawns (and associated fics) by chancecraz

Hand of Fate by sweetestcondition

My Fics I Love to Rec

Reyuxmas 2019

A Wonderful Winter on Hoth

I’ll Love You ‘Til the Suns Burn Out

feckyeslife

Who Am I?

Feckyeslife#2003 on Discord, firelord65 on AO3

Where do I fit into the SW fandom?

I'm pretty solidly a Sequels fan, but I have a special place in my heart for the Prequels. I'm a fic writer who dabbles mostly in canon universe AUs, what ifs, that sort of stuff. Primarily my fics have Rey with a tendency to focus on the First Order characters and plots.

My Top Faves

A classic Reylo fic from an old friend - Beneath the Facade. It technically has a prologue fic before it in the series, but this piece was the one that I really enjoyed way back in the EARLY days of Reylo.

Because I'm an insufferable Reylux fan, I have to rec at least one. This piece by @every-day-is-star-wars-day  a oneshot that ever so masterfully crushes my heart every time - Thread

My one Original Trilogy rec, this is a beast of a long fic but so, so good - Dark Times

My Own Stuff

Reylux, medieval AU - La Vita Primus - is the first in a small series of this AU

Reylo, TROS Fix-It - Oh but it's a dark future, my star. Oh but it's a soft morning for us soon.

apple-au

Who Am I?

Call me apple. she/her/hers. I’m gold_pen_leaps on dreamwidth, ao3, and pillowfort. @gold_pen_leaps@tenforward.social on mastodon. I am doing my best to boycott tumblr, but I've been known to use a tumblr link embed on pf from time to time. (gold_pen_leaps (DW), gold_pen_leaps (AO3))

Where do I fit into the SW fandom?

I’m mainly into the Sequels and the Mandalorian. I joined the server for Hux/Kylo/Rey and all the combinations of the characters in my ot3. I can edit better than I can write. Sometimes I comment on fics.

My Top Faves

A Dance of Titans by @lucidlucy is a really long reylux fic. The delicious slowburn makes all the flavors combine in an amazing way. Love how they battle the main villain!

My Own Stuff

I helped give feedback on the second part of a series. Does that count? This is knight_of_dance's fic. It's really cool to see writers' takes on Modern AU, and this one has influenced my ideas of what sort of kinks those characters have. :smirk: Switch Up

Mizz

Who Am I?

 hi! tho im much more...a lurker around here im mizz (she/they/he). im badarmada on tumblr, badwrong-gimme on pillowfort, gimmemrss on twitter, badwrongprincess on ao3 (i have so many usernames XD, ive got a dreamwidth, wordpress, and art insta too if youre interested lol)

(@badarmada, gimmemrss (twitter), badwrongprincess (AO3))

Where do I fit into the SW fandom?

i liked the prequels as a kid (still do kinda), rouge one, i do like clone wars tho i havent finished it and the sequels (well tfa and tros tho only one of them is good imo) i reblog stuff mostly and read fanfic, tho i write some stuff too. finn is my fav and pretty much my center character (ie the one i focus on the most) and i like most finn ships (favs being finnhux, finnlo, finnrey)

My Top Faves

the things we do for love by glare is an unfinished finnlohux fanfic that i love a lot

worlds are built for two by synergenic (Losseflame). this is a poefinn fic from finns pov

My Own Stuff

um...im still working on this fic -(Be More Chill, Hux) very slowly this year has been super hard on me writing wise and ive been drawing ocs and for another fandom mostly but I will finish this one day!

Arsanimo - Marion

Who Am I?

Hi, I’m Arsanimo, self taught artist and nerd from Germany that’s mostly lurking. You can find me with this username on tumblr, twitter and instagram. I draw mostly Reylo at the moment. ( @arsanimo, Arsanimo (Twitter), Arsanimo (IG))

Where do I fit into the SW fandom?

I‘m in my thirties and an OT fan since birth, because my dad was obsessed with Star Wars and we watched it a lot as kids - they are the go to christmas movies in our family. Even as a very small kid I loved Vader. I didn’t like the ST quite as much when it came out in cinemas but still watched them multiple times. I’m much more fond of them now. But my love for Star Wars really got renewed with the ST. I really liked TFA and TLJ a lot. Not a great fan of TROS though, but to each their own. I recently started watching TCW, if you haven’t go watch it! The Mandalorian is also great and feels more like the OT for me, which I love. Oh, and R1 was awesome, I loved that one! Solo also was good. I think I will be a lifelong fan because it’s such a rich universe and everybody can pick a favorite. I’m also good at ignoring the parts I don’t like, lol. But I‘m mostly exhausted about all the drama on social media, so at the moment I take a bit of a break from social media and only post from time to time. And I’m of the firm believe to ship and let ship and if the art and fics are good, you can also find me enjoying ships outside of Reylo (honestly, some Kylux art out there, woah... and Finnrey is always so tender but Stormpilot has two hot guys in it... and don’t get me started about Finnrose! You probably get the gist)

My Top Faves

It’s hard to name so few, there are so many good artists out there. But Winter of Her (Twitter) has some outstanding art in her own style. Than I really like the style of Khallion (Twitter), check her out.

My Own Stuff

And last but not least two pieces of mine that turned out pretty good

https://twitter.com/arsanimo/status/1275789997426311173?s=21

https://twitter.com/arsanimo/status/1258757927910989825?s=21

Knight_Of_Cookies

Who am I?

Allo allo, I go by many names but many know me as cookies here. Lol I'm from the US and I've been a lifelong A+, gold star , nerd my whole life. I love writing among 5 million other hobbies. I am on Tumblr and A03. (@knight-of-cookies, Knight_of_Cookies (AO3))

Where do I fit into the SW fandom?

It all started with the prequels which I fell in love with and even wrote my first fan fic on. (I dragged it from fanfic.net to A03 for my own form of personal torture) I dropped out of star wars until I was in Japan and a close group of friends got me to watch Roque One and play a star wars based table top role playing game, which dumped me back into this fandom hardcore. I fell in love with the sequel trilogy and now I'm stuck forever. Lol

I have been writing on A03 for around 2 years now for star wars and it's been the most productive and progressive work I've ever done thanks to ya'll.

Also, hey, I created this multishippers discord, because multishipping rocks and everyone should do it. :P I know I've never active enough but I love this space and the people in it! My fav part about multishipping is how I'm always discovering yet another ship that is awesome. It never ends. ^^

My top favs - (of things no one should be surprised by)

Beastie by @feckyeswriting. It spawned a written series(multiple actually)

Glutton by Witchoil. Just very good dark and wonderful kinky smut. Always go back to this one.

In the house that skywalker built by @aicosu. This story got me into Reylux in a way I'll never recover from.

My own stuff

Nothing but Themselves - This is my favorite beast of a story I've ever written and it will be beautiful when I finish it. One day. Lol

Tanzaku - One of my most polished pieces thanks to the Reylo Anthology. My best combo of: insert culture nerding here and captive Ben as personal tropes.

[tearyphoenixx]

For the fanfic end of the year asks, how about 12, 18, and 23?

i'm so sowy idk when you sent that bc i dont check my shit and then i was confused as to -why- because i didnt realise i had reblogged the postNSJSJSHSHJhH i intended to only like it because i posted nothing in 2020 KSJSJSN but that just my tumblr reflex to like and rb i guess, you and an anon were kind enough to indulge me anyway so...

12 - favorite character to write about this year.

I've been having a blast writing Connor from Dear Evan Hansen, especially when texting looool i love this bastard. i still havent posted it because its not done, i hope i will finish it at some point

18 - current number of wips

tbh, not much. i dont start a lot of things, 99.9% of it stays in my head and get lost in time. i only dared to start 5 writing projects (not counting the 4 little ones i managed to finish and post). The oldest is the longest thing i ever wrote (50k!) but will remain forever unfinished because it's like... terrible, anyway one of them is the fucking gaalee one shot and as i already said in the discord, if i dont finish it by the end of the year im a hoe. if i dont ever finish it then its my mom whos a hoe. then i have 3 naruto fic ideas in my phone notes that i will allow myself to elaborate only once im done with the gaalee. one is gai centric horrory angst gosh i wanna do that one so BAD “guy dreams of him living and thinks the hell he’s living is his dream” (such an awful sentence to read and i love it) pretty sure its gonna be titled Keep This Place Beautiful

As to the last question, you and mx anon both requested it. its the validest question you can ask a bitch who didnt post anything JSJHSHSDH :

23 - fics you wanted to write but didn’t

i’ve been wanting to write this creepy hp fanfic where Harry sorta fuse or give away part of his body to save hedwig so they can both fly away to never be hurt again. hm. maybe i will after i calm down on naruto

Thank you lilac (and mx anon) for asking my dumb ass. yall sweet. (link to the question fics post) 

[aroacemerlinfan]

Tldr: me word vomiting lots of random emotions and thoughts I’ve been having about my life. Would put under a read more but tumblr mobile is shite. Ignore if you wanna, I just needed to throw this into the world cos I’ve been so socially distant from everyone in my life that I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, and I’m not sure I would’ve even if I actually replied to my friends more than once in a blue moon

...............................................................

Me: honestly convinced I’m never gonna find romantic love cos I’m ace and probably aro - at the very least I’ve never been attracted to/interested in someone enough to want to date them and the whole being sexually attracted to someone and looking a people and wanting to have sex with them sounds fake and doesn’t resonate with me at all.

Me: is theoretically a very sex favourable and positive person but the idea of sex with someone I’m not dating is just so weird to me but damn do I wish there was someone who knew me and my likes and dislikes to be intimate with

Me: is super duper disappointed to not experience love/sex but is simultaneously doing literally zero to create opportunities cos I just don’t speak to anyone outside of my family and colleagues, and the one single guy I had any interest in at work is gay and has left.

Me: reads fanfic constantly and I’m now wondering whether it is beneficial in distracting me from my loneliness or enhancing it. I think both. I think I need a break from fanfic at the very least but honestly don’t know what I’d do without it cos it’s been my go to hobby for so many years and I legit read for 30+ hours a week and that’s soo much time to fill???

Me: really doesn’t want to have kids in the future cos I don’t understand kids in the slightest and pregnancy is terrifying and I still feel like a child myself and I know this is something which may change in the future but I don’t think so and my mum bringing up wanting grandkids on a near weekly basis recently is kinda starting to put me on edge cos I’m already starting to feel like a disappointment cos I’m an only child and I’m the only opportunity for grandkids - which I know is ridiculous but it how I feel and that’s valid

Me: with my grandad in hospital (he’s gonna be fine, he would be out of hospital if he actually did what the doctors and nurses said about doing exercises etc) it has made me think about the family I do have which is: my mum, my dad, my grandad and my uncle. That’s it. I have two other uncles and several cousins etc who I see maybe once a year but they don’t really count.

Me: has a handful of really amazing friends who I haven’t spoken to in months and I don’t even really know why. They’ve all messaged me and I just havent replied. I’m not trying to actively push them away like I did with a friend in the past who I just felt drained with in the end whenever we interacted, but honestly every time I get a message I just feel exhausted at the prospect of ongoing social interaction. And it’s silly cos I know exactly the kind of thing I could message people about to start a conversation, like I could talk to Emily about finally watching Hamilton and how it’s been two weeks and I’m still listening to song on repeat and how she was right about how good it is and yet it’s been a week and a half since I’ve thought about sending that message and yet I haven’t and just uggghhhh @me

Me: is horrified by the idea of being alone for life romantically, and knowing that between my ever dwindling family and me not talking to my friends that being alone if more likely that I ever want to think about

Me: wants to live a happy life of my own but don’t know how to. I want to move out but can’t afford to on my own and it’s super impractical when I can live with my parents for £20 per week for food. But god forbid if anything happens to one of my parents I’m gonna be stuck at home forever cos I have so little family and my parents have literally no one else to turn to.

Me: wants to do a masters in gender and sexuality studies writing about representations of asexuality on screen but I know I could write and entire book which would be great for phd level but I missed the deadline to apply cos June was crazy and all I’ve been doing recently is working 6 days a week then working on my car for a day before working another 6 days. And even if I did a masters and maybe eventually a phd I have no idea what I’d actually do with it? I have so little ambition for anything right now and the future is just a void of mystery in which I don’t even know what I want???

Me: is starting to think I might actually be kinda depressed. I’ve thought it on and off for longer than I’ll ever admit but I’d do quizzes online and they’d say I wasn’t so I didn’t really think too much more about it (and yes I know an online quiz is shit and means nothing but there’s no one I would want to talk to about it cos I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me and shit but yeah). I know I’m not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal depressed. All I know is I’m uninspired and I feel kinda empty. Doing stuff I do enjoy, if I actually do it, just makes me feel tired half the time so I end up trying to nap instead but then I don’t sleep great either, waking up in the night or when my dad is getting ready for work so I very rarely get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I’m irritable a lot too...

Me: even if I am depressed what does it matter? Like it does matter ofc, but my mum is on media for depression and it’s taking her weeks to get an appointment with the doctor to try and get a different dosage. I’m not a danger to myself or others, I’m unhappy, but who isn’t with COVID going on and there are people who need mental health services more than me. Which is really hypocritical of me to say cos I’ve told my best friend so many times that trauma and mental health etc aren’t competitions of who has it worse but it’s the truth. Also my mum and colleagues access the only mental health resources in town and I do not want to deal with interactions with people I know whilst trying to improve my mental health.

Me: I don’t know how many times I’ve said it in posts like this but something needs to change. I was set on a good course at the start of the year. I was getting out, socialising, doing new things, inspired to cook, learn to new music and change my lifestyle, and then COVID happened and since all of that has slowly drained away and I need to find a change to revitalise that. I’d hoped getting back to having driving lessons and working on my car would be a start, and to be fair it’s been less than two week since I restarted doing that, so maybe I can find a new spark of inspiration still. Within a couple of months I will pass my driving test. Hopefully it won’t take much longer than that to get my car finished and on the road (hopefully it’ll take two weeks to finish putting the rear end back together so we can finally get my car back on four wheels, then it’s just lots of little jobs which hopefully won’t take too long). The weather is supposed to be decent this week so I might work up the effort to go for a walk down the fields which always seems to relax me a little. And the cinema reopens at the end of the month so I’d finally have an excuse to get out of the house (I know COVID is not over and things should not be going back to normal any time soon, but I need to do something other than go work for 4 hours everyday and spend 90% of my time at home and most of that time in bed because I have nowhere else to go). I don’t know what else I can be hopeful for in the coming weeks but that’s a start and just listing them out here has made me feel a little better so.

I keep thinking about Patrick from Schitt s Creek, leaving his hometown to escape a life which didn’t fit him and finding everything he needed in a tiny town in rural Canada, and wishing I could do the same, but I know I’d just end up even more alone because I am not a social person in the slightest and don’t kno how to be despite knowing that me making changes is the only way to improve myself.

And then a line from Hamilton about death is easy, living is harder, and I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not in any way, shape or form want to die, but living is hard and I have an easy life. I have enough money that I was able to loan my dad the money to buy a car, and still have more savings after that than he does, I have a good that if not particularly well paid I do enjoy and I’m good at, my family live me in their own way, even tho I feel that part of my social distance and reluctantance towards others is because no one in my family is particularly socially inclined.

Maybe I just really need a hug.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore but I just had so much build of of words in my brain that they had to go somewhere and this has turned into my go to word vomit place

Things will get better. I don’t know when or how but they will. But they won’t if I don’t get enough sleep for a starters. So off to bed I go. If you’ve read all this thank you, I guess, for listening cos I’m not sharing this with anyone irl just yet. And I’m sorry this is so long but tumblr mobile doesn’t let me put in a read now but I want this out in the world even tho no one will see it

[kinktae]

hi babe !!! i’m starting on my journey through the whole bitchin’ series today !!! and i just wanted to say that it really reminds me of that 70’s show (even if i know urs is set in the 80’s lmao) !!! and i want to congratulate u on the job well done !!!

All the bitchin’ asks I didn’t get to answer in time uwu. Spoilers ahead:

prince-jjk said: just read your beyond the story for bitchin’ and i literally cried twice 🥺 especially in the 10yrs later when, for the wedding gift, jk gives y/n the contract they wrote all the way back when they barely knew eachother, that part just made me be like skfkskckskfkd on the inside, that was adorable.

Anonymous said: bitchin is so soft 🥺 it was love at first chapter for me, i loved watching y/n and jk grow throughout the story both together and on their own and i love all the soft lil moments and reading every chapter warmed my heart so damn much 🥺 thank you 💕

Anonymous said: okay so i finally read bitchin’ all in one day and ����🥺🥺🥺 they are both idiots i love them sm,, thank u for writing such an incredible story!!💕💗💕💘💗

Anonymous said: MISS ROSE?!?!?!?! BITCHIN' IS BACK AND WITH YOUR BEHIND THE SCENES COMMENTARY?!?! I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED MA'AM!! AND WELCOME BACK QUEEN WE'VE MISSED YOU AND THESE LOVABLE DORKS!!!!💛💓💙💕💜💖💚💞❤💘💗

Anonymous said: I LOVED WHAT YOU POSTED FOR BITCHIN OMGGG i actually LOVE seeing behind the scenes of writing so i really enjoyed reading about the details of bitchin. nOT TO MENTION HOW CUTE THE EPILOGUE WAS PLEASE I DONT THINK ILL EVER GET OVER THEM but overall i really liked it and thank you so so so so so so so much for this

Anonymous said: i swear Yara and Taehyung do be the cutest couple :(

beifong-bitch said: So im new around here and just started reading bitchin and oh god- I KEEP IMAGINING TAES VOICE SOUNDING LIKE THAT ONE SURFER DUDE FROM TOTAL DRAMA.

Anonymous said: beyond the story: bitchin’ got me so emotional like??? i think i can’t live without them:( thank you for this beautiful story🤧 you’re so talented

sapphireprinces5 said: can I just say that the fact you called it Behind The Story as BTS is so genius and the best chef’s kiss of the century. reading this made me tear up like I miss the two so much and to see them happy forever was just 🤧 it was so cool to see how the stories developed and your thoughts as you wrote them. thank you for giving this to us - probably one of the best gifts i’ve ever received as a reader. amazing, you’re amazing

mochiieberry said: JUST READ THE UPDATE FOR BITCHIN AND FINALLY I CAN START MY DAY(ignore the fact it’s 3 am :) ). But honestly after reading BITCHIN I questioned what happened afterwards and thank you for writing the behind the scenes and giving us 10 year update!!

ggukcangetit said: oh my gosh i was missing bitchin' and you posted the most incredible companion piece. also love how its called beyond the story (BTS) so sneaky rose (¬‿¬) you really spoilt us with the connect i am sad and happy so thanks for that. lastly, just wanna appreciate how much effort, hard work, and care you devote to your stories, characters, and readers. since you are a LOT younger than me imma go ahead and say this- uWu rose is the best liddol bean in the world. okay bye.

Anonymous said: I just wanted to say thank you for the extra bitchin' content! It's one of my favorite fics ever (mainly bc I am a woman in stem who takes shit from no man and I hardcore identify with yn) and to see how much you love the fic and genuinely get excited about the little details you slip in to make it more enjoyable for you to write just makes my heart !!! bc i love nothing more than hearing writers talk about their works with pride. love you lots and thank you for always putting out great content!

Anonymous said: Yara refusing to put a label on her relationship after 10 years sends me. For one thing, as an independent woman who is terrified of commitment, I can 100% relate lol. The titles she gives him instead killed me as well. Her outrage at the crustaceans was also so something I’d do. Like “no ma’am my best friend ain’t sign up for this and as far as I’m concerned she’s gonna get exactly what she wants”. Yara is my spirit animal.

Anonymous said: I have a lot of questions. #1- How dare you? Bitch I am sobbing. I love those Bitchin fools and I ain’t ever gonna stop loving them!

lee-u-ne12 said: I may have giggled one too many times during my "beyond the story: bitchin'" reading. Dammit it's just so cute! I found it charming how instead of just giving us an update on the characters you included some commentery on each chapter! Ngl i was rlly sad earlier but this made me smile :)

Anonymous said: I definitely noticed the sock thing and thought it was stupidly cute (like this entire fic tbh) and djjdjdjdjjd I wish I had commented on it when I first read it! I loved the behind the stuff and loved all the reasoning as to why you didn't want y/n to be a 'popular guy gave me confidence' type of character 👏 honestly loved it all thank you!!!!

Anonymous said: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING BITCHIN’!! ITS A WORK OF ART AND SO AMAZING QND I LOVE U SO MUCH MISS ROSE 😭😭😭💕💓💖💕💗💞❣️💖💝

Anonymous said: AHAHJAJAJAJJA THIS MADE ME SOOOOO HAPPY AND I HAVEN’T FELT THIS HAPPY AND SAPPY IN SUCJ A LONG TIMEEE!! i absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE READING THE BACKSTORY AND BEHIND THE SCENES OF WRITING THIS FIC AND THE 10 YEARS LATER AND WEDDING MADE ME SO FUCKING HAPPY AHAHAHJAHA I ALSO LOVE TAE AND YARA SO MUCH AND I LOVE THAT THEYRE SO HAPPY BRO AND LIKE THEY DIDN’T NEED A LABEL LIKE yES PERIODT!UGHUGHYGHI I LOVE YOU SO MCUH MISS ROSE AJHSJS I HAVE SO MUCG LOVE FOR YOUU 😭😭😭💖💓💕

Anonymous said: ROSE YOU SON OF A BITCH I LOVE YOU

cheeky-kookie said: ROSE, I am so happy this is the best birthday present wowza ily thank you bitchin' update I cry

Anonymous said: oh my gosh yara and tae are gonna get married someday and she's still gonna be like what? husband? you meaN my matChing riGg wEareR.

Anonymous said: Just wanted to let you know, I just read BITCHIN' AND IT'S THE BEST STORY I'VE READ IN A WHILE AND NOW ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITES. I would totally read it again in the future . Thank you for writing it and sharing it with us and you're awesome!

Anonymous said: Bitchin' was amazing. I cried. Thank you for writing it 🖤

Anonymous said: I think I've read bitchin like 3 times now but in never fails to put a smile on my face. The 80s slang kills me every time. Just wanted to say it's one of my favourite fics I've ever read :)

Anonymous said: i just finished bitchin’ AND IT WAS SO GOOD i cried at the end when it came full circle about the paper 😭❤️

Anonymous said: Hi I just binge read bitchin I’ve always ran into it but I hesitate Bc I knew it wasn’t completed I’m the worst but,,, ow. Ow. My heart physically melted you developed two characters so well and there’s no way I’m not going to reread again and again because of how good and genuine their relationship was. Uhh that’s it sorry I just wanted to let you know I’ll need money Bc my heart is unfunctional because of how full it is

Anonymous said: i just wanted to tell you that you made me feel so 🥺🥺🥺🥺!!!! with bitchin', that it is one of my favorite stories ever and that it's just so amazing and well written i just- don't stop doing what you're doing please !!!!!

Anonymous said: hi sorry this is random but im a huge fan of your work! i havent checked in with tumblr too much lately but last night i binge read camellia, groovy, and bitchin and oh my goodness i was so enthralled !! you have such a wonderful ability to engage readers with such relatable and dynamic characters! like wowowow i cant wait to read more of your writing! thanks so much for putting in the time and effort you do to create your work, its great and im glad you get to share it with the world! 🌟

Anonymous said: hi so i may or may not have read all of bitchin in one night BUT I LOVED IT AND IM AMAZED BY YOU 🥺♥️

Anonymous said: hiii! bitchin’ has been the best thing i have ever read and im so sad that its over, but im so happy you wrote it! u are an incredible writer❤️❤️❤️

emdancing said: Hi! I’d just like to say I binged bitchin and i absolutely loved it! It just might be my favorite koo fic 💕 your writing is awesome and so are you!!

Anonymous said: i binge read bitchin this weekend and i don’t even like fanfics but kept seeing it get recommended so decided to check it out and i loved it 😭 jungkook in that fic is so perfect and cute (except for his mess up with kiri) and that note at the end got me emotional 🥺 your story and writing was too too good, i skipped all the smut but still loved it 💗 thank you for sharing one of the most heartwarming and lovely stories i have ever read! 🤧

lowlifeoeuvre said: Hi i just read bitchin and i only have one thing to say about it... A WHOLE MASTERPIECE MAN!! literally almost cried and actually made a very inhuman happy noise at the end. I will for sure be reading anything else you write or have written.

babeewiththepowerr said: I just finished reading Bitchin and now I’m crying 😢 it was soooo pretty and well written 💜