#have pushed me to the point i was having panic attacks everyday lmao so like. yeah i guess it is fair that i want to gtfo of here | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

peachyloveswriting · 2 years ago

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I really enjoy how you write Knives and Vash. I enjoyed the one with the sick reader so much.

If by chance could you do something with reader who has bad anxiety and panic attacks?

Maybe for Knives the reader is already feeling down because they are not allowed outside (sorta like seasonal depression I guess) and they feel of no use to him.

For Vash maybe something about how he says he wishes the reader wouldn't follow him and the group to Wolfwood or one of the others and they over hear him. He just wants them safe of course. They feel useless even though they have been able to keep safe so far. Feeling unwanted sends them into a panic.

Lately I have been pretty down and my anxiety about the smallest things have sent me into a panic.

Much love <3

I'm really glad that you've enjoyed my work so far and I hope you feel better soon. For now let me do some comfort and fluff. I'm in the mood right now. Also I've noticed that I sometimes accidentally write in first person so if I switch up on you guys I'm sorry Lmao.

Miscommunication and Self doubt --- Vash & Knives

SUMMARY: It doesn't take a lot to make someone feel worthless, maybe people should pay more attention to what they do.

Millions Knives

Artificial light, the only light that fills every room I've been in for the past four months. When was the last time I felt the suns on my skin, I had a fresh breath of air? God I have no clue. Ever since Knives took me in I've been stuck inside this tower with no hope of ever seeing the outside again. Just to make matters worse I get to watch everyone else do something useful while I sit and hope for a day that will never come. It fills my heart with dread every time I think about it.

I have no special duty, I don't run errands, I don't do chores. I sit and I act as a wall piece all day everyday. I stand by Knives side, accompanying him wherever he wants me too. Watching him play his piano, I feel particularly let down today.

Between the solemn notes and my aching heart, I don't know which was the straw that broke the Camels back, but I fell to my knees. Tears slid down my face and ragged breaths left my mouth, I sobbed, covering my eyes with my hands. Suddenly the melodious tune stopped making its way into my head and someone grabbed my shoulders.

"Petal?" Knives shook me with worry, he's checking me over for the source of my crying, but no injury is visible. "What's wrong?" He pulls my hands away from my face and cups my cheeks, forcing me to look at him. "Speak to me." His hands are gentle as ever, it's almost hard to believe that he's actually touching me.

"What's my point?" I choke out. "What's the point of me being here when I do nothing for you?" I pull away from his touch, another wretched sob falling from my lips. His face softens as his hands fall back to his sides. "Why haven't you killed me yet?"

Through my teary eyes I can see his blades slithering out from behind him, coming right for me. My heart sinks and I feel sick, he was actually taking my advice. This wasn't really the way I wanted it to happen but it was death, the sweet release. Closing my eyes, I patiently wait to feel him cut through me, to tear me apart and never wake me up again. Instead, I feel the blades carefully wrap around my back, pushing me forward.

Opening my eyes, Knives grabs my shoulders once within reach and pulls me against him in a hug. His blades slip off my back but stay close, I can't tell if he's actually debating on killing me or if he's just trying to keep me in place. Against him, I sob. It's hysterical at this point, I'm so lost. He has no reason to keep me here so why am I still here?

"Why?" I have no special purpose for him. "Why am I here?"

One of his hands rubs my back while the other holds the back on my head close to him, he's holding me so gently. I feel like he's scared of hurting me, but why? I serve no purpose to him. Even still, he lets me cry into his shoulder, and even rubs my back in an attempt to comfort me. It's almost like he really does care.

"You're here because I want you to be. I enjoy your company and... You're very interesting to me." He pulls away. "but I don't understand what makes you think I'd kill you. I clearly have a reason not to."

He moves his thumb to swipe away my tears. "I'm sorry it's just... I've been stuck in here for so long I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't... I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life. I don't even do anything, I want to do something. I don't want to feel useless."

He leans closer. "I can assure you that you are not useless, you offer me entertainment, company, knowledge, and more. My want is for you to be comfortable, if you are not, I have failed. If you wish to leave I will escort you out?" His offer is kind, I'm taken aback by it. Seeing the way he usually treats things, this was not at all what I expected.

I shake my head. "I do want to leave but not like that! I just want to go outside..." I lift my hand to wipe the wetness from my eyes. "I don't wish to burden you, Knives."

He sighs. "Yet again, you're not a burden." Letting me go completely, his blades retract and he stands. "Come with me." He extends a hand to me. "I shall take you outside."

Taking a deep breath I grab his hand and pull myself up. "Thank you." He doesn't say anything in return, quietly leading me towards his room. Walking through the door I'm greeted by a large bed, I was sure he had never used it. It was untouched, sheets laid without a single wrinkle at all. It was like he'd never even touched it. He pulled me forward towards the large sheath of curtains, brushing them to the side. Bright sunlight fills the room and he pulls open a sliding door, turning to the side he gently tugs me forward. I can already feel the breeze hitting my skin before I ever step out. It feels reliving to feel the wind blowing in my face again.

Stepping out onto the small balcony, I press my hands against the rail and close my eyes. Behind me I can hear the door shut and Knives approaching. The air smells clean and the sun is purifying. I could relish in this moment forever, it makes it even harder to believe I'll have to go back in, I don't want too. I'd rather stay out here where I can feel myself at peace with the world, where the wind blows all my worries away.

"Feel better?" I open my eyes to see Knives leaned on the balcony rail beside me, resting his face in his hand. The corners of his lipa twitch up into a ghostly smile, almost non-existent.

"Much." I adjust my gaze to the city below. "Good. I'll be sure to accommodate you more often. I had never thought to ask how you were doing or what you might have needed."

I take a deep breath. "Thank you, Knives."

He stands up straight. "It's good to see you smile again." At the mention I could suddenly feel the smile on my lips, I hadn't noticed it before. "That's what you'll do for me..."

I look at him confused. "If you want to feel of use to me, smile more. It looks good on you."

Vash

"I'm going to sleep. Good night." You waved everyone goodbye before you claimed into your tent. The outside was illuminated by the flickering fire, Meryl and Roberto had already gone to sleep. It was only Vash and Wolfwood left after you. For a long time it was quiet, sleep was beginning to creep in and you were comfortable. That's when you Heard it.

"Why did they have to stick around?" Vash pokes at the fire with a stick. Wolfwood looks up at him in wonder "Huh? You mean Y/n?"

"Yeah... I just wish they wouldn't stick around." You don't get to hear him finish the sentence, you cover your ears and dig your face into the pillow. Something in your chest aches deeply, the thought of leaving the group after becoming so close to everyone hurts. To think the best out of all of them wanted you gone hurt the most, you didn't do anything to make him hate you. Was it that you didn't contribute? Everyone played their part but you... You were just there.

You don't do anything but cook and help set up camp for the night, it's not much at all compared to what everyone else does. Meryl's got a job with Roberto, Wolfwood is trying to keep you all from dying, and Vash.... He was looking for his brother, trying to save the world. That's more than you could ever do for the group, you bring them down. You get in the way of everyone's objectives, you don't contribute, what's worse than dead weight?

When you uncovered your ears, it was eerily quiet outside, the fire wasn't crackling anymore and Vash and Wolfwood had grown quiet. Heart heavy in your chest, you moved your blanket off of you and climbed to the entrance of your tent. Peeling it back you stick your head outside, the fire is almost out, Vash and the others are nowhere to be seen. You assume they've gone to sleep. Crawling out, you wrap your blanket around your shoulders and walk over to the truck.

The wind nips at your exposed skin as you reach up and grab your bag from the top, it slips from your hands and falls heavily on your foot. Your mouth shoots open to call out in pain but you hiss through clenched teeth instead. After hopping about, you pick the bag up and sling it over your shoulder, stopping to look and back sure you haven't woken anyone up. The silence gives you an answer, you pad back to your tent, quickly undoing it to pack it away in your bag. It fits snugly with all your other items as you tie it back. With everything ready, you tie the blanket securely around you as a coat and begin to walk away from the camp site.

The air is cold and lonely as you venture into the desolate night, from afar strange creatures call out, sending chills through your body. While running with the group, you fared well, managing to keep out of trouble. Alone, you weren't sure you were going to make it. Looking back at the tents, you realize they're much smaller than before. It would be pointless to turn back now, it hurts to leave like this but if Vash didn't want you there you were willing to leave. Albeit bringing you to tears in the process.

For the next day into the night, you traveled alone, not a soul in sight. The heat from the suns has just worn off and the cool nights air breezes past. You haven't stopped since you started, your legs burn with intensity, and your eyes threaten to close. It would be unwise to camp in the middle of the dunes, you searched for a rock face to settle down against but there were none in sight. You realize now that your choice to leave so suddenly without thinking it through wasn't a good idea, you couldn't go back now, they'd certainly have moved on by now. You'd just have to get by until the next town.

Suddenly, from behind you begin to hear shouting. It sounds like your name from somewhere out in the distance, certainly you had to be going crazy. Then it came again, closer this time. You turn to see what's calling out for you, running up on a Thomas, Is Vash.

"Vash?" Your eyes widen in surprise as he jumps off the Thomas, throwing you into the sand, hugging you.

"I was so worried. You scared me. I followed your footsteps for two days!" He pulled back with a smile on his face. Just before he was saying he didn't want you around, now he's acting like he misses you.

"You wanted me to stop following you." His smile falls. "So I left."

His heart falls to his stomach. "What do you mean?"

You blink at him. "You said you didn't want me to follow you around anymore. I overheard when you told Wolfwood."

Vash sits up, pulling you with. "I could see why you wouldn't want me around anymore, I don't do a whole lot..." He frowns, keeping your hand in his. "That's not why I said it." He tips your head up to look at him. "I said it because I'm dangerous. If you stay around me long enough you'll get killed."

I stare at him in silence for a moment. "What bout the others?"

He nods. "Them too. But Wolfwood and Roberto know how to keep themselves alive. You and Meryl... She only has a chance because of Robertoz but you." Vash sighs. Tears start to burn your eyes as you look at him. "Me... I'm worthless." It comes out as a broken sob, one that you can't stop from escaping.

Slumping forward, your head collides with Vash's shoulder. Shaking and sputtering, you sob against him, his hands rushing to soothe your shaking body. He engulfs you in a hug, hands rubbing your back and brushing your head. "Don't say that. You do an amazing job of staying out of trouble and you're an even better addition to the team. But I'm scared you might get hurt one day." His hot breath tickles your skin as he talks. "I want to keep you safe."

White hot anger rushes over you, you raise your head. "Then do that! Don't just send me away and expect that to be even better, it's worse! If you want me to be safe then show me how to use a gun."

His eyes are wide with surprise. You've never yelled at Vash like that, it hurt seeing you so angry. "If that's what you want, I'll do it."

You nod your head. "Yes. Anything to help, please."

"Of course. Let's get back to the others though, you need to eat and get water before you pass out. Sit in front of me so you can rest for a bit too." He takes your hand and pulls you to your feet. "I'm really sorry I made you feel this way." He adverts his gaze as he leads you to the Thomas. "I had no idea you could hear me, it was nothing but the best intentions, I swear."

Vash helps you climb onto the Thomas first before grabbing reigns and hoisting himself up behind you. "I know. It still hurts though."

His face softens. "It won't happen again. I swear. Just stick by my side and you'll be safe."

#millions knives x you #millions knives x reader #knives x reader #millions knives #vash imagines #vash imagine #vash x you #vash x reader #vash the stampede x reader #trigun x reader #trigun stampede x reader

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classicsweetness · 2 years ago

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honestly I've fallen into a really strong depression rut (again) and my relationships are in the dumps. idk how much more i can take and tbh i don't want to deal with anything else. i hate myself for not being good enough for anyone, hate myself for not being smart enough, funny enough, cute enough, interesting enough, just - not enough. I can’t help myself but to question the things that have happen in my life, that somehow, if those things didn’t happen then I wouldn’t be just what I am today, that I could’ve been a better person, with a better life, better environment, better surroundings, better mindset with a clear vision of the future which clearly I don’t have right now. whenever i remember mama & papa, it feels like the wounds are all freshly cut again, that the wounds that i have been aiding and forcefully trying to heal were all scraped up once again. srsly, grief isn’t fun, at all. it’s like a never ending process and it’s tiring me too much already, i’m at edge now. it always feels like i am back at square one, when i feel like i am already making progress, bad things would levitate again and will ruin my so-called ‘progress’. I've spent so long convincing myself I'm fine and it really hit me just how far from the truth that is. im not okay, i never was and I probably won't be for a while. i don't want to worry anyone because im not in the habit of doing that to people I care about (not that there's many left anymore ngl). it gets even worse when i am at it, having panic attacks, having emotional breakdowns, and all; and it would hit me like damn dude i actually don’t have anyone to run to. what can i say, i am not close nor open to any of my family members. i got so used to not being honest with what i am feeling, what is happening in my life, what am i currently experiencing. it’s makes me more sad that i just have to keep this all to myself, and it’s heavy, the weight of it all is already drowning me. i feel so sad that no one understands me the way i wanted to be understood. but i do not take that against the people that surrounds me (even if i really wanted to) bcos at the end of the day, it’s not a job for them to do that thing for me. tbh i am really near to ending everything all off. this just doesn’t affect me mentally and emotionally anymore nor my future that i meticulously planned in my head but it also affects me physically already; my head is pounding everyday, i never get to have a decent sleep, i am so scared of sleeping bcos i’m afraid i might not get to wake up anymore (but then again, that should be better, right? to die in my sleep lmao). i just, can't keep lying to everyone and myself and keep it inside because that's not healthy and it won't be good for me. I hate myself so much lately and the more I ignore it the worse it's got, to the point where im seriously considering dropping out of college, moving out of my house (and family if possible) and just going somewhere where nobody has to put up with me. god, i really wish I would of taken the jump all those years ago and ended my pathetic life so I wouldn't be a waste of oxygen any longer than I needed to be. fuck this. i can't even explain how much it hurts to be sitting here in my room alone and knowing that nothing is truly okay, and it breaks my heart that i even got to this point again. i just don't want to be alive anymore and it's getting so hard to keep pushing on even when i have no fight left in me.

#trauma dumping #trauma #inner child #therapy #tw depressing stuff #tw depressing thoughts #panic attack #tw grief #coping with grief #grief journal

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the-bau-quinjet · 3 years ago

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heyy do you think you can do a steve rogers x reader where the rest of the avengers try to matchmake them because everyone ships them (& everyone knows that they're both in love with each other besides themselves LMAO)? it would be EXTRA amazing if you could make it such that the reader is smaller/shorter than steve? personally really love the height difference in a relationship but if not it's fine too! thank you so much, have a great day ahead xoxo

Set Us Up

Warnings: 2455

Word Count: crude language, but mostly fluff

a/n: This took me a hot minute because I couldn't think of ways for everyone to try and set them up lol, but I think this is super cute! I hope you have a great day too!!

Masterlist

"He totally has a thing for you! Nat, back me up." Wanda turned to the redhead.

You, Wanda, and Nat were supposed to be training. Instead, the two of them have been trying to convince you to make a move on Steve. As if that would ever happen.

"She's right." Nat replied calmly.

"Would you two stop gossiping and just train with me! Please!" You have never confirmed your crush on Steve, but that didn't mean your two best friends didn't know about it.

"Y/N, I'm serious. That man is crazy about you." Wanda tried again while Nat easily defended your attack.

"Wanda, he's my friend. That it." You refused to make eye contact, knowing she would she the longing in your eyes. Instead you kept advancing on Nat.

"Friends don't look at each other like that." Wanda smirked, knowing you'd fall into her trap.

"Like what?" You continued sparring with Nat.

"Like he wants to fuck you against any flat surface available." She stated matter-of-factly.

"Wanda!" You finally turned to her. Unfortunately, that was the point where Nat went on the offensive.

She easily tackled you to the ground, unable to stop her own momentum. She folded you like a pretzel, resulting in a very pitiful whine from you.

"Ow." You complained from the ground, not bothering with trying to get up.

"I know exactly what you need." Nat smirked devilishly. "Steve!" She called across the gym, only making you wince further.

"Steve! Can you do me a favor?" Nat asked the super soldier, knowing he was never one to turn down a friend in need.

"'Course, what do you need?" He made his way across the gym to where you were still sprawled out on the mats.

"Y/N just took a pretty bad beating. Can you help her stretch?" Her and Wanda wore matching smirks despite trying to hide them. "I'd do it, but I promised Wanda I'd help her with something, and we have to go now."

Steve barely had time to respond before the two women were making their way out of the gym.

"Hey, Y/N." He greeted you kindly, looming over your body which was still on the ground. "Are you okay?"

You huffed, glared at the door where your friends just abandoned you, and then smiled at Steve. "Yeah, Wanda just distracted me and you know what that means when you're sparring with Nat."

He grimaced slightly, imaging the beating you just experienced.

"I've definitely been there." He gestured for you to put your foot in his hand. "Here, give me your ankle."

You followed his instructions, lifting your left leg until he grabbed onto your ankle. He slowly pushed your leg forward, helping to stretch your hamstring.

You couldn't help but laugh at the way he had to bend over slightly to fully push on your leg.

"What's so funny?" He tickled your leg before gesturing for you to switch.

"Nothing. You're just really tall." You snickered again at his hunched over frame. Your foot didn't even reach his hips, meaning his back was arched at an odd angle to give him the correct leverage to help you stretch.

"Maybe you're just short. Ever think of that?" He raised a brow, dropping your right leg back to the floor. "C'mon, give me your hands."

You raised your arms up like a petulant child, knowing he would have to bend down to reach your hands.

He rolled his eyes at your childish behavior, but ultimately bent down to grasp your hands. He pulled you to your feet a bit too harshly causing your body to stumble into his.

Your head landed squarely against his chest, really showing off the height difference.

"See," he put a hand on top of your head. "You're just short."

You shoved him slightly, backing away from his warm body. "That may be true, but that doesn't mean you can go around saying it." You playfully glared at the much taller man.

"I'm sorry. Come with me, I'll make you a smoothie to make up for it."

Despite your best efforts, you couldn't keep the grin off your face.

"Deal."

You just knew Nat and Wanda would be all smirks when you inevitably filled them in on this whole encounter.

"Who moved all the mugs?" You muttered to yourself. You spent the last five minutes standing on the tips of your toes trying to reach the mugs that, for some reason, had been move to the very top shelf.

Then you spent another five minutes looking for the step stool you kept in the kitchen.

You were about to resort to climbing on top of the counter when Steve walked into the kitchen.

You didn't even have to ask for his help before he was walking up behind you and reaching for a mug. His body briefly brushed against yours as he pulled the mug from the shelf, plopping it down on the counter in front of you.

"Thank you." You smiled at him, unsure if you could form any additional words.

"Anytime, short stuff." He smirked.

"Hey! It's not my fault someone felt the need to reorganize the cabinets." You whined. "Who does that?"

"I think it was Tony." He chuckled. "He said something about helping two idiots realized they're in love." He shrugged.

"That man is so weird." The two of you laughed, completely oblivious to Tony's plan.

"You ready to go, punk?" Steve could tell just by the look on Bucky's face that something was up.

"What did you do, jerk?" He eyed him suspiciously.

"Nothing!" He quickly looked down the hall, knowing you and Sam were supposed to emerge any second.

"Sam! You promised you would take me to Coney Island today!" You followed him down the hall, not realizing Bucky and Steve were already in the living room.

"I know, but I can't! I have to fix my wings." He glanced at Bucky conspiratorially. "Tin man, Tony said he needs you in the lab. Something about updating the tech in your arm."

Bucky looked back at Steve.

"Sorry, man. Gotta go." Bucky went to leave, but turned back before he made it out of the doorway. "Why don't you and Y/N go?"

"That's a great idea!" Sam added on. "You two go have fun."

The two of them ran from the room together before you could protest.

"Looks like it's just you and me." You smiled at Steve, grabbing your purse and heading for the door. "You coming?"

"Definitely." He smiled right back at you before leading you to the car.

The car ride took a while, but it felt like no time at all while talking to Steve.

"What's your favorite part?" He gestured to the park map as the two of you walked in.

"I've actually never been before. That's why I was so bummed when Sam said he was busy." You looked around the park entrance, taking in all the bright colors and happy people.

"I'll just have to show you all of my favorite parts then." He smiled at the look of wonder on your face, slowly reaching for your hand.

"I'd like that." You bit your lip nervously, butterflies swarming in your stomach when he took your hand.

He showed you around the entire park, starting with the rides. You went on every ride you could, only stopping when a fan asked for an autograph or a picture from one or both of you.

"Those are all the best rides." He smiled confidently.

"Really? No ferris wheel?" You pouted a bit. "I've always wanted to ride a ferris wheel."

"Don't worry, we will." He grabbed your hand again. "It's better to save that for the end of the night. Right now, it's time for games."

You couldn't help but smile at his antics. He genuinely looked to be having the best time in the world, and you honestly felt the same way.

"Lead the way."

The two of you made your way to the arcade, where Steve let every kid beat him.

His face lit up with joy watching them celebrate beating Captain America at various carnival games. When the game seemed unbeatable, he would win and let the kid choose a prize.

At the last game, he whispered with one kid as you looked on suspiciously. The little boy grinned, nodding his head in complete seriousness before turning back to the game.

When Steve won, the little kid smiled bigger than anyone else had all day. Steve walked back over to you with an enormous gray teddy bear.

"Your losing streak ends." You gestured to the bear.

"Yeah, well little Michael over there said I needed to win a prize for my pretty friend. He said he'd throw the game for me." He spoke with complete seriousness, causing you to giggle.

"That might be the cutest thing I've ever heard." Your face was the epitome of heart eyes as you looked between Steve and the bear. You pulled him into a massive hug before finally stepping back and trying to calm down.

"What's next?" You grabbed the bear, holding it tightly in one arm.

"Food!" Again, he held your hand as he lead you around the park.

He walked with you along the boardwalk, pointing out various spots to get different foods. Some had been there since he was a kid, others were clearly newer.

"This used to be my favorite." He smiled fondly looking at the Nathan's Famous sign.

"Well then, what are we waiting for?" You walked confidently up to the window only to realize you had no idea what to order. "Steve! What should I get?"

He laughed at the panic on your face. Without even realizing, he put his arm around your shoulder, drawing you closer to him. You went easily, leaning into his touch.

"Can we get two Coney dogs and a large order of fries?" He asked the attendant taking orders. "Do you want anything to drink?" He looked down at you as though this were an everyday occurance.

"A slushie!" Your eyes went wide, a giddy kind of excitement growing in you.

"And two cherry slushies, please." He fished out his wallet with his free hand, still holding you close.

You moved to get money as well, but Steve shook his head. "This one's on me, sweetheart."

You all but melted at the pet name, hiding your smile by burying your head between your bear and his chest.

You signed a few more autographs and posed for more pictures while you waited for your food. A little kid came up to the two of you just as your order was called.

"I'll get it." You gestured for him to talk to the child.

"Captain America!" The little girl smiled widely when Steve crouched down to talk to her. "Are you on a date?"

Steve's face reddened at the question, but it made him think. "You know what, I think I am." He shook his head when he finally realized that Bucky and Sam set the two of you up without either of you realizing it.

"My mommy's gonna be sad. She said you're really handsome." The little girl laughed.

"Well, she's right. He is really handsome." You whispered conspiratorially as you returned with the food.

The little girl laughed before running back to her mom.

"C'mon, we can go sit on that bench." Steve gestured to an empty bench overlooking the beach. The two of you joked and laughed while you ate, but Steve couldn't stop thinking about the little girl's question.

"It's beautiful." You looked out over the sand. The sun was low in the sky, reflecting off the water.

"Breathtaking." Steve agreed, his eyes focused on you rather than the view.

"It's later in the day. Does that mean it's time for the ferris wheel?" You smiled widely, a common occurrence for the day.

"Yep. The ferris wheel is the very last thing to do before leaving." He threw away the trash from your meal before taking your hand in his.

"Why's that?" You looked up at him curiously.

"It's slow enough for you to enjoy the ride, even after eating. Plus, you get the best view from the top when the sun is setting." The two of you stood in line as he explained his reasoning.

"I guess you really know all the best tricks." You smiled at him, hugging the bear to avoid any embarrassing actions.

"Not really. Just the old ones." He joked.

"Steve Rogers! Did you just joke about your age?" You gaped at him playfully.

"Hey! If I can't joke about your height, you can't joke about my age." He pressed a hand to his chest in mock offense.

"I guess that's fair." You nudged him with your shoulder, but he remained solid as a rock.

The two of you sat next to each other in the cart, placing the stuffed bear across from you.

"You were right. This is an incredible end to a marvelous day." You looked out over the park, taking in the pink and orange hues from the sunset.

"Y/N... I think Sam and Bucky set us up." He looked at you nervously.

"Yeah, they did a great job of it too." You replied easily, having realized much earlier than Steve what was going on.

"You're not upset?" He questioned, a confused look on his face. You decided to respond with an unfamiliar amount of bravery.

"Steve, I had an incredible day. The only way I'd be upset is if you didn't kiss me at the end of it." You smiled shyly.

"What if I kissed you now, even though it's not technically the end?" His smile matched your own.

"That'd be okay too."

"You both leaned in, meeting in the middle for a soft and romantic first kiss. His lips moved against yours as if they were made for each other.

"Steve?" You pulled back for air.

"Yes?" He smiled blissfully, forehead still pressed against yours.

"I think we're the idiots in love with each other." You whispered softly, thinking back to what Tony had said.

"I think you might be right."

He smiled, pulling you to kiss you again.

"Steve?" You pulled back again, a bright smile on your face.

"Yes?" His eyes remained closed, just breathing in the moment.

"The ride is over..."

His eyes snapped open, a blush painting his cheeks when the ride attendant awkwardly cleared his throat.

"Sorry!" He jumped from the ride, grabbing the bear in one hand and you in the other.

"Where to now?" You questioned, laughing as he pulled you through the park.

"Home, so I can end this date right."

Permanent tag list:

@averyhotchner

@jesuswasnotawhiteman

@strawberryspence

@sebastnstn

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers one shot #steve rogers fic #captain america x reader #captain america x you #captain america x y/n #captain america fic

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babymilkawa · 4 years ago

Note

if you’re up to it could i get hcs for kaminari and/or todoroki with an s/o who deals with chronic pain (fibromyalgia specifically if that’s alright)? mostly in the mornings, after doing mundane things like using stairs or unusual physically activity, when the weather changes drastically, flare ups, stuff like that :’)))

yes of course! I had to do some research on this so I hope I didn’t describe anything wrong :)

s/o with chronic pain headcanons with:

kaminari denki & todoroki shoto

gn!reader :)

kaminari denki

the first time he learns about this is when you suddenly sit down in the middle of the stairs and lay your head on the railing

he’s by your side immediately and has your hand in his

you tell him about it and he’s a little confused at first but the more he’s around you, the more he understands how it works and how to help you with it

if you don’t want the others to know, he’ll make up excuses for you and distract them while you head back to your dorm

if you’re ok with people knowing he’ll tell the bakusquad to keep an eye on you if he’s not around and to call him if anything happens

because of this, a lot of your dates are quiet and relaxing

he tries to find activities that you find calming

maybe stock up on ur favorite tea or candles

has a section in his bathroom for your meds in case you sleep over and need them

and he’s always trying to cheer you up and distract you from the pain

if you need tutoring for a test, he’ll go to bakugou but make him PROMISE that he will NOT get angry

and bakugou’s just grumbling and says how he can’t guarantee anything but denki stands his ground, does not run away because this is for you

finally, bakugou does agree that he’ll try to stay patient

and it doesn’t prove to be hard because you’re a good student

denki is also getting tutoring and he’ll try his best to not mess up so bakugou won’t yell at him

if bakugou’s like mid wack or about to yell, denki will frantically point at you and put a finger to his mouth, telling bakugou to stay calm

I feel like he’d be a completely different person around you, but in a good way

like he knows when to stop, when he’s passed the limit

being with you has made him get better at that though :)

todoroki shoto

so shoto is more of a calm person himself so he very much enjoys those quiet moments he can spend with you

during training, he always insists on being your partner or being in ur group because he doesn’t trust anyone else

he feels like only he knows your limits

reallyyy doesn’t like when u push yourself

he won’t lecture you, he’ll just put his hands on ur shoulder and say “hey, that’s enough” but not like in a cold way

u know he’s concerned for u

has a mini notebook to track everything that happens, dates for your attacks, what food you can’t eat, updates from ur checkups

honestly if you go to therapy, he’ll be right by your side when ur done or calling you after your session and asking you about it

but if you’re tired and you don’t feel like it, he won’t push it

sometimes, being with shoto is like therapy

even if the two of you are basking in a comfortable silence, it still feels like it’s helping

gives the BEST massages

you guys have like a little massage session after training

even if he’s exhausted himself, he’ll still do it for you

pretends he doesn’t hear you telling him to rest LMAO

also has meds in his dorm when you come over

if you guys are eating at the cafeteria and the sound of all the people is making you a little distressed, he’ll put his hand over yours or excuse the two of you and take you somewhere quiet

if he’s away on an internship, he’s always checking up on you, either text or call

“good morning love, how are you feeling?”

or “I restocked on your favorite tea, it’s in your cabinet”

maybe even buys stress toys for you 🥺

will honestly get very worried or internally panic when you have an attack but his exterior is very calm

knows all the dates of your checkups by heart

“hey you’ve got that appointment at 4 right?”

“ ohh yeah thanks for reminding me. I still need to tell-“

“I already told Aizawa for you”

:))

a/n: wow I never knew about this,, you learn sthing new everyday,, but hoped this helped!!!

bnha masterlist

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lokissweater · 5 years ago

Text

Flower Boy

Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: At the end of every week, you find a different set of flowers resting on your windowsill, and you’re determined to find out who it is.

Warnings: fluff fluff fluff and like one curse word hehehe <3

Authors Note: thanks for all the feedback on Sticky Notes and Disneyland With Peter !! y’all really made my day LMAO

Word Count: 2,110

They were lilies this time, placed neatly on your open windowsill.

You couldn’t really remember exactly when you started to receive flowers, but it’s safe to say that it’s been going on for about a month, and you have no idea who it could be. You’ve received all kinds: lilac’s, carnation’s, poppy’s, sunflowers, and the list goes on.

At first you were creeped out. How did this person know where you live? And why was it only during the night? You lived in a two story apartment in Queens, the only way to reach your window is through climbing the fire escapes..

But as time went on, you grew to love the gesture instead of loathing it. You were a sweet person, and concluded that whoever was doing this must’ve been someone you knew.

You picked up the lilies and carefully placed them in a vase with water, swapping them out with the once beautiful roses you received last week. Like always, you walked to your window and leaned out to see if you could spot any source of movement, anything to pin point who it was.

But there was nothing, just the buzzing of cars and the chilly winter air hitting your skin.

Shivering, you rubbed your arms before leaning back. You’ll find out soon who it was, you were determined to. But for now, you smiled thinking about the sweet gesture and went to bed.

Monday soon rolled around, and as you sat in your seat waiting for the bell to ring, you wondered what breed of flowers you’d get this week.

“Don’t forget to submit your essays tonight!” Your teacher’s voice boomed over the bell as it rang, piles of kids ready to leave the classroom. As you reached the door, you bumped into someone accidentally and looked up.

It was Peter Parker.

“I’m sorry y/n!” He spluttered out quickly, squatting down to pick up the book you dropped off the floor. “I-I should’ve looked where I was going.”

His cheeks flushed as he peered up at you, shyly giving the item back. You smiled sweetly.

“It’s okay Pete, I wasn’t paying much attention either.”

His heart rate quickened at the little nickname you had for him.

“I’ll see you around?” You said, patting his rosy cheek gently before walking off, your touch sent him into a frenzy as he watched you walk away.

“Y-Yeah!” He called out, and you turned around to wave before disappearing from his view.

“That was hard to watch.”

“Shut up.” Peter grumbled, turning to look at his best friend.

“I don’t see why you don’t just tell her you like her,” Ned sighed. “You guys talk everyday, and have known each other since junior high.”

“Because she’ll reject me and never talk to me ever again.”

“But you don’t know that!”

“Yes I do!” Peter countered. He spotted you talking to someone from across the hall and sighed, “She’s too good for me.”

“You still giving her flowers?” Ned asked, hiking his backpack up as they walked.

“Yeah.”

“Oh god-”

As the week went on, Friday finally arrived. You were at home helping your parents prepare dinner, when you realized you forgot to take some dishes from your room back down to the kitchen. Quietly, you trudged up the stairs and upon entering your room, you stopped dead in your tracks.

It was Spider-man, looking at you through his mask with wide eyes, hand midway into placing a small bouquet of daisy’s on your windowsill.

You couldn’t believe it. Never in your wildest dreams did you think Spider-man was the one leaving you flowers.

Peter on the other hand, was about to have a heart attack.

“Y-You-”

Instantly, he stood and leaped up the fire escape, and you quickly ran to your window.

“Stop!” He froze and turned to look at you. “It’s okay! You’re fine! I just want to talk!”

He was this close to shooting a web to the building across from yours to leave, but when he looked at your pleading eyes, he sighed and climbed back down.

You led him into your room and sat him down on your desk chair; unsure why he seemed so nervous and stiff. It was only you.

You puffed your cheeks out, avoiding eye contact until he spoke up.

“I-I’m sorry for-”

“Do you know who I am?”

He hesitated, then nodded.

“How?”

“I’ve seen you.” He said vaguely. His voice sounded extremely familiar, but you couldn’t quite pin point where you’d heard it.

“You’ve... seen me,” You trailed off. “Where?”

“Listen I have to go-”

“Wait! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” You said guiltily.

Peter’s eyes softened.

“It’s just- this doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“I’ll come back tomorrow.” He promised. “But for right now, I have to go.”

“Okay.” You smiled nonetheless and watched him stand and climb out through your window. Just when you were about to leave your room, you heard him clear his throat.

“I-I hope you like them.” He said, referring to the daisy’s.

You turned around, cheeks rosy. “They’re my favorite actually, thank you.”

Peter beamed at that, and with the blink of an eye, he was gone.

You then gently picked up the daisy’s and like you’d done before, swapped them with the lilies.

The next day, Peter avoided you completely. Whenever he’d see you approach him, he’d either make a beeline for the restroom or just completely turn the other way, and you noticed. How could you not?

Peter Parker, the sweetest boy you knew and secretly but not so secretly had a crush on, was avoiding you. You figured he was just having an off day, but it became apparent when you straight up walked towards him to say hello and he turned his back to you.

When you came home and waited in your room for Spider-man, you couldn’t help but feel a little hurt. What did you do? Surely there must’ve been some type of misunderstanding.

Or did he find out you have feelings for him?

Your eyes widened and you began to panic. To you, that explained everything. The avoidance, the look of discomfort he’d give whenever he saw you, all of it. You felt like crying, but your episode was cut short when you heard a soft thud to your left.

“Hey,” He greeted. As he sat down on your windowsill, he noticed the daisy’s he gave you in a vase with a cute little red bow wrapped around, and his heart warmed.

“Hey,” You responded with a smile. “Do you need anything? Water? Snacks? The need to tell me who you are?”

Peter laughed at the last part. “I-I’m okay. Thank you though.”

He had to admit, Peter missed you, even though it had only been a day since you guys have spoken. He missed your voice, or the way you’d always beam when you saw him, he really did. He felt so bad avoiding you today, but he couldn’t bring himself to face you. A part of him thought you secretly already knew it was him, and he didn’t know how to talk to you now without stumbling over his words or excessively sweating, not like he wasn’t before though.

As he sat there, he knew the right thing to do was to tell you who he was. But it was nerve wracking to think that not only would you know he was the one responsible for the flowers, but that he’s also Spider-man. Not a good situation if you ask him.

“Do you put all the flowers I give you in vases?” He asked you.

“Yup!” You pushed your desk chair back to reveal the little trash can you had, and tilted it. Its contents inside were a bunch of dead stems and flower pedals, accompanied by the occasional ball of line paper. “They all last exactly a week, so when you give me new ones, I just take the dried ones out. It makes me feel bad, but where else do I put them without making a mess?” You laughed nervously.

Peter nodded understandingly, and he envisioned your cute self putting his flowers in a vase. He found it quite sentimental, and it made him happy because he thought you’d might throw them away.

“Why do you leave me flowers?”

Peter cleared his throat.

“B-Because I like you.”

“You what?”

He only nodded and you looked at him uncertainly then, “Do I know you?”

He didn’t answer, but the fiddling of his fingers and the way he kept looking at everything in the room but you, was enough.

Gently, you scooted your desk chair right by your windowsill in front of him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry Spidey, but you need to tell me who you are.”

Another nickname you made, just for him, that made Peter swoon.

“I know.” He sighed, taking your hand that was on his shoulder and fiddled with your fingers now instead of his, “I know.”

Your warm hand gave him a sense of security, a sense of comfort, and he intertwined your fingers together. “J-Just promise me, that whatever happens, you won’t hate me o-or think I’m weird.”

“I’d never!” You exclaimed. “You gave me flowers, there’s no harm in that.”

He looked at you and squeezed your intertwined hands, as if to make sure you wouldn’t leave once he revealed who he was. Your reassuring smile sent a shiver down his spine and he slowly raised the hand that wasn’t occupied by yours, and tugged off his mask.

Even though it was dark in your room, the moonlight that shone through your window illuminated his face perfectly, and you sat up straight in alarm.

“Pete?”

He dropped his mask and placed that hand over your already tangled ones, looking at you with pleading eyes.

“I-I know what you’re thinking, but please just hear me out,” Peter scooted a bit closer to you. “I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but I just- I really like you y/n. You’re so sweet and nice to everyone no matter what they do, and you’re so beautiful that sometimes it makes me want to scream.”

You laughed, and he took it as a good sign to keep going.

“If you’d just give me a chance, I won’t let you down. And if you don’t want to then that’s totally okay I’m not going to force you into doing something you don’t want to do-”

“Pete.”

“-I mean what kind of person would that make me-”

“Spidey.”

“-That’s just horrible I know a couple people who-”

“Peter Parker!”

The boy jumped and instantly looked at you. “Yeah?”

“I like you too.”

He laughed, “No you don’t. You don’t have to pretend-”

“I’m not pretending!” You whined. “I really do.”

Peter looked at you, heart pumping and eyes wide. “You mean it?”

“Mhm! I do,” You said cheekily.

He looked at you skeptically. “You’re not.. freaked out that i’m Spider-man?”

“Nope.”

“Or the fact that I climbed your fire escape every week?”

“Nuh uh.”

“Or the fact that I want to kiss you right now?”

“No-”

Before you could register what he said, Peter cupped your rosy cheeks and kissed you with so much longing it drove him crazy, and you tugged at his suit to get him down from the windowsill as you stood up, arms wrapping around his neck to deepen the kiss.

You pulled away breathless, and Peter started to lean in again until his phone buzzed.

“Sorry-” He said quickly as he looked at his screen.“Shit, sorry flower, I have to get going. My aunt hates it when I’m out late on a school night.”

Flower.

Your legs felt like jelly at the pet name he gave you, and you felt dazed as he pecked your lips and tugged his mask back on. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school?”

“That you will.” You said happily, and just as he was about to climb up your fire escape, you realized something.

“Oh wait, Pete?”

“Yes?” He said, turning to look at you.

“Can you still bring me flowers?”

Peter’s eyes softened. It was a simple question, and yet he found himself again like he was when he first saw you, happy.

He’d take care of you, with every fiber of his being. You were innocent, sweet and radiant, and he’d rather die than let someone take those traits away from you. Now that you knew who he was, he wanted to be your own personal hero and keep you safe, no matter what.

“Of course I will, flower.”

2K notes · View notes

captainillogical · 5 years ago

Text

Devil’s Ballroom Ch.7

A year after the events from the earth’s final attack, Little Homeworld is finally complete, and there’s a new jazz bar where gems and humans mingle and drink. - As you’re typing back a reply, someone pulls the stool out next to you and takes a seat. You see a sliver of pink out of the corner of your eye as you try not to actually Look. Oh god. It’s her. God can’t help us now.

Spinel/Reader

collab with my lovely wife @firstofficertightpants

ya’ll im sorry lmao

You spend the rest of your evening doing exactly none of the errands that you needed to deal with today. Instead, you're laying on your couch and texting your friends.

Y/N: I'm so tornnnn.

Y/N: Do I say something about the cheek smooch?

Y/N: Should I leave it be?

Y/N: Because she's texting like nothing happened.

Y/N: What if I'm reading too much into it??

Y/N: What if that's just how she shows friendship affection???

Y/N: I might make it so fucking awkward if I assume something!

Y/N: This entire ordeal is mortifying!!!

Y/N: I want nothing more than to dig a big hole and lie in it forever.

Y/N: I might be low-key having a panic attack about this rn but what's new.

Harper: Y/N. chill. you're way overreacting to this.

Harper: even if it meant nothing, she still likes you as a friend right?

Harper: i think it would take a lot for her to like.. not wanna stay friends lol.

Alex: im just saying you could probably kiss her and she'd be ok with it

Alex: cheek kisses are pretty forward

Harper: don't listen to him. all of his relationships ended in failure.

Alex: wow

Alex: im seriously hurt

Harper: am I wrong?

Alex: no..

Harper: my point exactly.

Harper: i’m not saying you have nothing to lose or anything.

Harper: because i myself had to tread very carefully with leah..

Harper: but i think you should just see where it goes and not like

Harper: put too much emphasis on this incase it was nothing.

Y/N: Yeah see now you have me worried it WAS nothing!!

Alex: oh my goooooooddddddddddddddd

Alex: the both of you approach women so.. pathetically

Alex: take a risk

Alex: live a little

Alex: what is seriously the worst that could happen

Alex: she kills you??

Alex: lmao

Alex: its funny cuz of.. you know

Harper: i can’t wait to be home and smothering him with a pillow instead of affection.

Y/N: You and me both.

Y/N: Try being the only one available to play games with him.

Alex: both of you fucking love me okay

Alex: alsooooooo i get to be home the day after tomorrow

Alex: the alex is back, babieeeeee

Y/N: Harper please come home I’m BEGGING you.

Harper: sorry you gotta deal with him alone for another month lmao.

Y/N: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Alex: can i get a fucking crumb of love here please

You swipe over to the couple of messages Spinel has left you in the past couple of minutes while you were talking to your friends.

Spinel: It’s another stupid ball, I just found out.

Spinel: I told her that I’m sitting this one out this time.

Spinel: She has so many others that would absolutely love to help her, and yet, still absolutely insists that I must be there.

Spinel: I don’t want to go back to homeworld right now, and not for this.

Y/N: And you put your foot down? Hell yeah, dude.

Y/N: Planning a ball for a bunch of gems sounds like a chore anyway.

Spinel: oh, it is, believe me.

Spinel: And they need everything to be PERFECT.

Spinel: Which isn’t realistic anymore now that they don’t expect any of the gems to stay in line with their gem class nowadays.

Spinel: The last ball they threw almost 4 months ago was utterly chaotic.

Y/N: For thousands of years y'all as a race never pushed to deviate from the norm, and now that you guys are allowed to? I’d go batshit with it too.

Y/N: Being stifled in everyday life, and finally you’re free?

Y/N: Fuck, I’d go around fusing with anyone!

Spinel: That is precisely what too many of them did.

Y/N: Lmao. I wish I could’ve seen that.

You tab back over to your group chat for a moment to see what they’re talking about.

Harper: see? they’re everywhere.

Harper: i wasn’t expecting the campsite to have so many.

Alex: you could have built an army and instead you took pictures

Alex: do you know how easy it is to lure chipmunks?

Alex: oh that lil guy on the bottom right is so fucking chunky i love him

Harper: that’s the one that got the closest when i fed them. :3

Alex: oh i fuckin BET

Alex: you dont get that chubby in the wild without takin a few risks

Alex: if u know what i mean ;)

Harper: i hate whatever you just implied.

Y/N: It’s not a conversation with Alex unless you roll your eyes at least 3 times.

Alex: hey i thought it was 4 times

Alex: dont insult me

Alex: anyway, y/n

Alex: are you workin the day i come back

Y/N: Yeah I’m actually scheduled a double.

Alex: scheduled

Y/N: Yes.

Alex: a double

Y/N: Yes.

Alex: he can’t SCHEDULE you a DOUBLE

Y/N: He can if he asks me ahead of time as a favor.

Alex: that fuckin bastard

Alex: always ruining my plans

Harper: you’re still mad at him for firing you last summer, huh.

Alex: OF COURSE I AM

Y/N: Bro you stole like $300 of cotton candy sugar that summer.

Y/N: It’s only fair.

Y/N: Besides, I’m only doing this because he said he’d give me a long weekend for it.

Alex: kay well

Alex: i guess i’ll just go bug you at work and wait for you to get off that day :'(

Y/N: Get me written up again, I swear to god.

Your phone chimes several times, and you swipe down to see messages from both Spinel and Steven. You check Spinel's first.

Spinel: Do me a favor and ignore any messages Steven has sent you.

Y/N: What are you, my boss?

Spinel: I MEAN IT

You quickly switch over to Steven's texts.

Steven: I was going to ask you if your date with Spinel went okay, but I'm assuming it went fine considering she hasn't really stopped talking about you.

Ohhhh my god, this is wild. You reply to him.

Y/N: It wasn't a date as far as I know.

Y/N: I had fun.

Y/N: She's telling me to not read your messages, lmao.

Y/N: Also what do you mean she hasn't stopped talking about me??

Steven: She’s been lying on my floor for the last hour basically gushing about you.

Steven: But you didn’t hear that from me!

Steven: :D

Y/N: Haha thanks, kid.

You switch back over to text Spinel, and get up off the couch to make yourself some tea. Pulling out your kettle, you turn the stove on and grab some raspberry flavored abomination tea bag that your dad loves more than any of the other good tea flavors.

Y/N: Sooooo.

Spinel: You talked to him, didn’t you.

Y/N: Hahaha noooo. :)

Spinel: The fuck did he say?

Y/N: Absolutely nothing.

Spinel: Seriously? I was sure he’d reveal something embarrassing.

Y/N: Nope! You should probably get off his floor eventually, though.

Your kettle goes off and you grab a clean mug, and pour the boiling water into it along with the tea packet. You look down at your phone, and grin.

Spinel: goddammit.

You let the bag steep for a little bit, and add in a small amount of sugar. Walking up to your bedroom you take a snap of Jellybean half lounging, half falling off the stairs and send it to Spinel. She replies with a couple heart emojis, and you wonder if Steven was the one to show her the proper use of them. You set your cup of tea down on your desk, and turn your computer on. It’s evening now, and it’s much too late to do anything left with the rest of your day productivity-wise, so you settle in on playing more minecraft. Your thoughts wander quite a bit, and you find yourself stuck on thinking about Spinel. Naturally. You wonder about a lot of things she’s learned while staying on earth, from things like - does she pay rent? Does she have a job? Does she know what taxes are? Does she know what a relationship with a human looks like? She said she watched a movie, but didn’t exactly elaborate. You don’t know what human-norms she’s been exposed to. You can’t even concentrate enough to mine any of this redstone for Alex, and you nearly die in-game when the thought of ‘does she know what sex is?’ pops into your mind. You grab your phone and shoot Spinel another message.

Y/N: Quick question.

Y/N: If you don’t mind me asking.

It takes her a few minutes to reply.

Spinel: Sure?

Y/N: Do you know how humans are made?

Spinel: w

Spinel: Yes?

Spinel: Steven told me about it a few weeks ago actually.

Spinel: Why are you asking?

Y/N: No reason! Just curious is all.

Spinel: Hm.

Yeah you’re not too confident that she actually knows, and you’re too chickenshit to elaborate right now. You’ll enlighten her later. You spend the rest of the night browsing memes on your phone, and texting your friends and Spinel on occasion. Before you know it, your eyes drift close with your phone in hand.

You wake up when your alarm goes off for your morning shift, and curse at yourself for not charging it last night. It’s at a solid 32%, which isn’t really enough to go about your day, but you’ll have to make do. You get ready for a hopefully not shitty day, lock up the house, and head in to work.

It’s a complete shitshow when you come in, and you turn your phone off to save battery and concentrate on dealing with more than an average amount of tourists. You find Mr. Smiley sleeping in the breakroom/office/supply closet, and have half a mind to lock him in there from the outside for the rest of your shift. It’s pretty busy, and messy, and it isn’t until you’re there for several exhausting hours that you finally have enough time for a break. You turn your phone on, and instantly you’re flooded with messages from several different people. Ugh.

A couple from your dad - just checking in, really. Group chat too as usual, but none of it seems overly important. One from Spinel, and several from Steven. You open up Spinel’s message first.

Spinel: Do you think we could talk about a couple of things later?

Vague, and a little concerning. You text back an apology for getting back to her so late, and open the messages from Steven.

Steven: Hey are you busy?

Steven: I’m dealing with a bit of a situation right now, and could use your help.

Steven: Spinel locked herself in my bathroom, and she won’t come out.

Steven: She refuses to answer to anyone, and several of us have tried.

Steven: I’m just really worried about her, and you guys seemed to bond, so I was hoping..

Steven: That maybe you could come over?

Steven: Thanks regardless.

You check the timestamp, and that was over an hour ago. Jesus christ.

Y/N: Steven I’m so sorry, my phone was off and I’m at work, give me a few and I’ll be right over, okay?

Y/N: I’ll be quick.

He replies almost immediately with a “please” and you pocket your phone. You try not to worry too hard about Spinel as you rush over to grab your things, and knock on Mr. Smiley’s office/broom closet door. He opens it groggily, clearly just waking up.

“Yeah?” he slowly blinks at you.

“I gotta leave early. Emergency.” You stare at him, trying to not be pissed at his lack of work ethic.

“Are you for real? You’ve got another 3 hours left.” He says and crosses his arms, and you glare at him.

“I’ve been working my ass off while you’ve been sleeping this whole time, AND I’m covering your ass tomorrow so you can go meet your old friend! So the LEAST you can do is let me go early when I have an emergency!!!” You almost yell out at him, and he holds his hands up in defense.

“Okay, okay! Fine. Only because you’re a good worker.” He says, and has the gall to look at least a little ashamed of himself.

“Damn right I am.” You spin around and head out of the building, practically running.

You almost trip and bite it several times on the way over to Steven’s place, but you’re more worried about Spinel. You’ve only been to his place twice, but once you’re there you run up the stairs and open the door without knocking. You’re greeted by the only two people in the living room, Pearl, and Steven.

“Oh, she’s here!” Pearl says and nudges Steven, who looks up from typing on his phone.

“Y/N! Thank god you’re here.” He says with furrowed eyebrows.

“What happened?” You say and shut the door, and cross the room over to him.

“I’m not sure! We were just working on something together for Amethyst, and she got a call from Blue and Yellow. She’s been ignoring them lately, and they’ve been bothering me in turn because of that, so I asked her to take the call just see what they want.” He runs his hand through his brown curls, and just for a moment, you see that 12 year old him in again. The obvious stress masks just how young he really is, and you feel bad that he can’t live life like a normal kid. “She went outside to take the call, and was out there for quite a while. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but I did hear some yelling. And just when I was going over to make sure they were alright, she comes back in tears, eyes spiraling like months ago, and nearly knocks Pearl over rushing into the bathroom.”

“And nothing since?” You inquire, fidgeting with your hands.

“No,” He says, frustratedly. “I’ve been trying to reach the diamonds to see what this is all about, but I’ve only been getting the pearls. I don’t know what to do. She hasn’t been like this in months. What were they talking about to make her this upset?”

“Maybe I can find out. You said she’s in your bathroom?” You raise an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, the one right over here.” He says and points to it.

“Is it locked?” You ask.

“No,” Pearl glances towards the bathroom door and crosses her arms. “The lock has been broken on it for a while, since Peridot joined us actually. Both Garnet and I tried opening it, but I think once Spinel hears someone trying to come in she blocks the door.”

Hm.

“I’m gonna try something, but you guys are gonna wanna stay away.” You say to the two of them. “I don’t want to overwhelm her with more than one person.”

“Let us know if we can do anything?” Steven makes to pass by you and gives your arm a light squeeze. “And thanks for coming to help.”

“Anytime, dude.” You give him a half smile, and walk over to his bathroom. You turn to take a look back at the other two, and they’re already in the kitchen discussing something in soft tones. You move to knock at the door, make two light taps against the frame, and wait for an answer.

A couple seconds pass, and nothing. Not even any movement. Nervously, you knock again, a little louder this time, and wait for a good ten seconds.

Still nothing.

You take a deep breath, reach out to grab the door handle, and very slowly and quietly open the bathroom door. You see nothing but absolute darkness, and step in. You feel around the wall to your right and flip a switch just as you close the door behind you with an audible click. The room instantly floods with the dark red light of the heat lamp, and before you can even think about finding another light source, you find yourself slammed up against the wall and let out a surprised yelp. You open your eyes to see Spinel’s face inches from yours, pupils wild, her hands splayed against your shoulders.

“U-um,” Your voice cracks a little. “Hey.”

You watch her eyes take a second to find yours, and almost instantly, she lets you go, arms trembling.

“W.. what are YOU DOING HERE!?” She cries, large tears pouring down her face, eyebrows raised in confusion, mouth trembling. Her hair is in loose pigtails, strands untamed around her face, cheeks stained with tear tracks. She looks like a mess, and your heart breaks, just a little. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt y-”

“I’m fine.” You cut her off. “I should have said who it was outside the door, I’m sorry. And um.. Steven texted me while I was at work, and told me what was going on so I rushed over..” You trail off as you watch Spinel’s entire body shake, and she covers her face with both of her hands.

“I can’t believe I just did that.” You hear her wavering voice, muffled behind her fists, and she lets out a choked sob. “Maybe they were right. M-maybe I’m not meant to-” She quickly moves her hands down to look at the floor with wide, vulnerable eyes, and struggles to form the rest of her words. You hear her breathing pick up pace, and you’re starting to realize she’s hyperventilating.

“Spinel, look at me.” Her eyes shoot up to yours, lips trembling. “I need you to breathe.” You do what your friends have always done with you, and gently grab both of her hands and hold them with yours, thumbs stroking her palms in slow circles. She freezes up instantly, and you’re about to panic, because while a familiar touch helps ground you, you register that maybe it’ll make it worse for her. But before you can pull your hands away, her hands relax ever so slightly, and she lets out a shaky breath. “Good. Just like that.” You motion for her to follow your breathing inverals, and she copies you, hands still shaking in yours.

It’s been a while since you’ve had to deal with something like this, but you’re thankful for having similar life experiences. After a solid minute or two of this her breathing is back to a normal pace, but she’s still crying, and now not meeting your eyes. Almost like she’s avoiding them.

“Look, I.. I don’t know what happened with you and the diamonds, but you can talk to me about it if you’d like. No pressure, though.” You give her hands a small squeeze, and she whimpers, looking up to meet your gaze. Tears are still actively streaming down her face, and you have no idea how to make any of this better. It physically hurts you to see her like this.

“C-can I not talk about it? I don’t think I’m ready..” She pulls a hand from yours, and wipes at her face. She just kind of smeared half of her face with wetness, and she looks miserable.

“You don’t have to talk about anything, Spinel.” You look at her, making sure she sees it in your eyes. You slowly let go of her other hand, and hold your arms out in a silent question instead. Her mouth opens slightly, the red glow of the light around her making her look extremely vulnerable and soft, and she looks at your open arms with a blank face for a moment before understanding. Almost instantaneously, she throws herself against you and wraps her arms around your shoulders, shoving her face into the cradle of your neck. You envelop your arms around her tightly, giving her sides a squeeze, and you feel her start to shake again.

She lets out an unsteady sigh, and hiccups out another small sob. You pull her to lean fully against you as you stand there, bracing your back against the bathroom door. She lets you maneuver her, and you rest the side of your face against her temple while she cries. You resign yourself to letting her cry on you until she’s done, if she needs to.

You feel her sniffle against your neck, and try not to mind that she’s getting your shirt soaked. You give her back a few gentle rubs, feeling her body quiver against yours as she’s trying to control her choked breathing. You’re not really counting the minutes, as right now you’re currently having way too many rampant thoughts about what the fuck the diamonds could’ve said to her. You’re mad as hell, honestly, and if you could say shit to them, you would in a heartbeat. You don’t want to make anything worse for her though, as much as you want to steal her phone and video call them to curse them out. It takes a few more minutes, but eventually her crying dies down, and you feel her breathing even out. Slowly, she dislodges her arms from twisting around you two, and you feel a sigh, her breath hot against your neck. You do your best to school your facial expression as you’re realize just how close you are to her, and she pulls her face from its resting position to look at you. She looks awful.

“U-um,” She lifts up her hand to attempt to wipe her face, failing to rub half the tears away. “I don’t really want to go out there yet..”

“You don’t have to.” You say, quietly. “I can leave if you’d like some quiet to yourself.” Her face looks panicked for a second, and she grabs your wrist.

“Please don’t leave me.” She says, voice wavering again. You try not to let your heart shatter at her tone.

“I won’t if you want me here.” You say, and sigh softly. “Here, hold on a second.”

She lets your wrist go as you move slightly over to the sink, turn the hot water on, and grab a clean hand towel from the counter. You soak it in water, and squeeze out all the excess. Towel in hand, you turn back to her, and she’s looking at you cautiously. You lift the towel slightly, motioning to her face.

“May I?” You ask, and she nods slightly.

Tenderly, you brush a couple strands of hair away from her face, grasp her chin with your left hand and pull her forward, gently pressing the towel to her cheek. She closes her eyes, and her shoulders sag a little as she lets you dab at her face, cleaning her of any tear stain marks. She sighs into your touch, and it strikes you that it would be so easy to just.. lean in and kiss her.

Your brain almost short circuits and you snap your thoughts back to reality. There’s a time and place for everything. This is not the time, nor the place.

Once you’re satisfied that she looks a lot better than before, you pull your hands away to toss the rag in the sink, and Spinel, for a brief moment, looks disappointed that you had stopped. Which.. kind of gives you an idea.

“Can I try something? Harper used to do this thing with me when I.. had similar breakdowns.” You ask her. She raises her eyebrow in response, clearly exhausted from crying so much. “Here.” You say, and take her hand and lead her over to the rim of the bathtub. You sit down on the edge, and motion for her to sit in front of you on the floor. She takes a seat in front of you, still confused, but obeys nonetheless. “Can I touch you?” You ask her, watching her face to make sure she’s alright.

She looks up at you, the red light in the room flooding the entirety of her face, making her hair darker, and the whites of her eyes a bit more dramatic.

“Yeah.” She says in reply, voice tired.

You reach out to her hair, and stop for a moment.

“Can I have you face the other direction, actually? Come over here.” You move to open your knees, making enough room for Spinel to turn around and lean against the bathtub. She’s close to you again.

“What are you..” She trails off as you start to take the hair ties out of her pigtails, one after the other. It takes a second, as it’s a bit tangled, but you manage to get both out, and let her hair fall down. You comb out her hair with your fingers, gently, and she sighs audibly while leaning into your touch. You run your short nails along her scalp, scratching and massaging as you smooth out her hair, attempting to pull all the tangles out.

“Touch used to calm me down, and Harper was really good at it, honestly.” You say while pulling out a particularly difficult tangle without hurting her. Her hair is long like this, and you like it. You wish you could grow your hair this long, but it’s kind of a pain to deal with, and the longest you’ve ever had yours wasn’t even to your mid back, you think to yourself. “Sometimes she’d give me shoulder and neck massages, but I preferred that she’d just play with my hair. There’s just something different about another person touching your hair.”

“I kind of get what you mean.” She says, tiredly.

“Can I braid your hair?” You lean closer to look at her face.

“Do what you want.” She says, looking fairly relaxed.

“Cool. Anyway, while Harper was good at that, Alex, on the other hand, was just terrible at any kind of physical comfort. He’s genuine, and he tries, but he’s an idiot. He’s a lot better at distractions, for the most part.” You run your fingers through her hair one more time, before starting to separate her hair into three parts for a french braid. “He’s funny, and comes from a large family, so he always has stories and jokes. Whenever I’d have a panic attack, those two were always so good about being there for me. I don’t know what I’d do without them.”

You notice that Spinel‘s shoulders have lost most of the tension in them, and you’re secretly relieved. You keep talking to fill the quietness around you two, because you’ve always hated the quiet during moments like these. Your friends aren’t here, so it’s up to you to make up for it.

“It was kind of hard, at first though,” You say, and start looping the chunks of hair around your fingers, starting at the top of her head. “Because for a while there, back when I was 16 and dealing with the worst of my abandonment issues, I clung onto Harper like a baby koala. I had this super weird crush on her even though we had been friends since we were practically babies. I think I idolized her because she was just.. good to me.” You accidentally tug a little too hard on a strand of hair, wince and utter an apology while massaging the spot on her scalp. “I’m glad that didn’t ruin our friendship, but for a while there I really pushed my feelings onto her, which was kinda fucked up on my part.”

“Hm..” Spinel mumbles. “I kind of had a thing for Pink, I think. Which ended up screwing with me even more after what she did.” You stare at the back of her head and pause your hands for a second. Huh. Yeah, you had a hunch.

“If she were still alive, I’d punch her in the face for you, I hope you know.” You state, in full seriousness. This gets the first chuckle that you’ve heard from her today, and you’re secretly overjoyed.

“I’d pay to watch that.” She says, and you laugh out loud. You see her smile, just barely.

“So,” You continue, with both your hands and conversation. “A week or so after my 17th birthday, right after Harper talked to me about this guy at school that she liked, I confess to her. And not like a, ‘oh hey, you’re my best friend and I really like you’ kind of way, either. It was more like a, ‘have a mental breakdown over your best friend liking someone else and make them feel like shit about it on your walk home from school’ kind of confession.” Your hands reach the nape of her neck now, braid mostly done on her head, but you’ve got around another 20 inches of length before being finished.

“Harper avoided me for nearly a week after that. I was absolutely pathetic, and inconsolable. Alex was fed up with my shit after a few days, and nearly slapped me over it. He would’ve been in the right, doing so, honestly. I was a selfish asshole who only thought about her own feelings, and not about her best friends.” Your eyes drift to Spinel’s face, and her eyes are closed, eyebrows unfurrowed.

“Anyway,” You’re nearly done with the entire braid now. “She did end up forgiving me. Thankfully. I don’t know what I’d do if it were my fault that I’d split up our friend group.” You pick up the discarded hair tie from earlier, and tie it around the end of the braid.

“I’m all done, by the way.” You say to her. She opens her eyes tentatively, and she looks sleepy. You stand up, and stretch your back. She also gets up on wobbly legs, and turns to look at you.

“Um.” She’s avoiding your eyes. “Thank you. For this.” She’s twisting her hands together, nervously. You lean your face closer to get at eye-level with her.

“Anytime.. and for the record, you look really cute in a braid.” You say and smile, giving her a cheeky wink. You watch her entire face from the neck up turn bright red, and think that you could probably do this forever, and never get tired. She gives you a noncommittal grunt, halfheartedly smacks your arm and you grin at her.

You hear a quiet knock at the door, and look over to Spinel. She shrugs, so I guess it’s okay now.

“You can come in!” You say to the door. It opens slowly, and you see Steven peek his head in.

“Um.. are we okay?” He asks, clearly very worried about her.

“I’ll be okay.” She says, and you think that maybe she should lay down and sleep. You verbalize this immediately.

“Spinel. I think you should go take a nap.” You look at her, and she blinks at you. “I’m serious.”

“She’s kind of right.” Steven says in agreement with you. Spinel gives the both of you a shrug, and even that seems like it’s taking a lot out of her.

“Okay.” She says, and turns to walk out of the bathroom. Steven opens the door wider, and you can see Pearl in the kitchen leaning against the counter, trying to not seem like she’s intently watching all of you.

Spinel makes her way over to the couch and takes a seat, sitting up rigidly. You walk over to her to make sure she’s okay before you leave for home.

“You know you can text me, right? And if you need me, I’ll be available. I’ll leave my volume turned on.” She gives you a nod. “Oh, and.. take this,” You say, and pull off the pullover hoodie you’re wearing right now, and hand it over to her. “Alex used to let me wear his oversized sweaters, and they used to help me sleep, so..”

She tentatively reaches out, and takes it from your hands.

“Thanks.” She says, and gives you a small smile. With her hair pulled back like this she almost looks human, for a fleeting moment. You sometimes forget she’s a gem. You return the smile back at her, and turn around to leave.

After grabbing your bag that you set down earlier from beside the couch, you head over to the front door and open it. Shouldering the bag, you start to shut the door and see Steven behind you. He closes the door behind him, his face searching yours for something you don’t quite know.

“I don’t know what you did, but thank you.” He says, completely genuine.

“You don’t have to thank me. I’d do it for you, too, you know.” You say to him, and he smiles.

“That’s why I like you, Y/N. You’re sweet.”

“Yeahhhh, don’t tell anyone, though. You’ll ruin my reputation.” You smirk, giving him the side-eye. He laughs and pats your back.

“Ohhhhhh no! Whatever will you do!?” He rolls his eyes in jest. “Get home safe, okay?”

“No promises.” You reply, and jump down his steps, two at a time.

It doesn’t take you long to get home, and you’re pretty tired yourself. You make yourself busy by preparing dinner, cleaning the kitchen a little, and calling your dad for another check-in. Before you know it, it’s nearly 11, and you need to sleep for your double shift tomorrow that you almost forgot about. You’re laying in bed browsing social media before drifting off, and you receive a text from Spinel. You swipe down and open the message.

Spinel: Thanks again for today.

Spinel: I baked some new cookies with Steven, and would like to give you some tomorrow if that’s okay?

You smile to yourself. Ughhhhhhhh, you’re catching the feelings disease, and you swat the air around you like it somehow physically manifested around you.

Y/N: I work literally all day, but feel free to stop by and give them to me.

Y/N: Then I get to see a pretty familiar face to break up all the lame tourists.

Y/N: Cuz that sounds super nice. ;)

Spinel: I’ll see you tomorrow, then.

She didn’t react to your obvious teasing, but you won’t let that discourage you. You fall asleep thinking of the many different ways you can poke fun at her, and this time, you charge your phone.

You wake up the next morning feeling well-rested for once, and get ready for work. Alex has sent you a couple texts about when his flight will arrive, and when he’ll roughly come to meet you. Sometime around 4pm, apparently. You shoot Spinel a good morning text, and she replies almost instantly with the same, which makes you smile.

You head to work, texting your group chat about what happened yesterday with Spinel, and give them basically all the details. Alex makes fun of you for a bit, so you curse him out and pocket your phone as you clock in. Today’s going to suck, but you’ve got a few things to look forward to.

You make it a couple hours into your shift before you finally get a break, and Spinel texts you that she’ll drop by sometime in the afternoon once she’s done helping Bismuth with something. God you hope it’s not when Alex gets here, because you are so not fucking ready for that interaction. You eat your lunch and pray to any god out there that you could have one more day of peace.

You’re outside the main building repairing a couple parts on the carousel, ignoring the bulk of the tourists to focus on work. You don’t realize that quite a while has passed by, because someone walks up to you as you’ve got your head in a small door, and kicks you slightly on your ass. You jolt and bump your head against the opening, and you hear Alex burst out into laughter as you groan in pain.

God fucking dammit, this guy. You pull your head out to glare at him, screwdriver pointing at him threateningly.

“Do you want this up your ass? Because I can do that.” You say to him, and he laughs even harder. You roll your eyes at him.

“Don’t promise me with a good time, Y/N.” He says, and you stand up to smack him.

“I don’t think the pointy end would be a good time, idiot.” You deadpan stare at him. He grins.

“You don’t know what I’m into.” He shrugs, and flips his hair dramatically. You hate that he’s stupid and charming, and you love him so much.

“I know I haven’t seen you in 2 months, but like, I feel like you’ve grown taller?” You stare at him, a little mournfully. You’re the shortest one out of your friends, and you’re of average height. He also seems.. handsomer. You think he definitely got a lot more tan. He’s definitely grown into his looks, his dark curly hair and recently shaved face making him look older than you’re used to.

“I don’t think I did, but I think you’ve grown shorter.” He laughs obnoxiously, and you smack his arm again, which makes him laugh harder.

“You’re so mean to me, like all the time. Why do I love you?” You cross your arms and pout, because you know it gets a rise out of him.

“Youuuuuuu knowww, because I’m just so loveable and gorgeous and the smartest one in the group??” He flutters his eyelashes at you like he thinks he’s cute.

“Wow, you are none of these things.” You reply, smirking at him. He puts his hand over his heart in mock offense.

“Y/N, I’m offended. I’ve been here for like, five minutes, and I’ve received absolutely no affection from you. If I don’t get love, I will wilt and die. Do you want to be responsible for my death?” He opens his arms wide, and you roll your eyes dramatically, and stand there.

“We’re not doing this in public.” You say, standing your ground.

“Ohhh, YES we are, Y/N.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “Prepare yourself for the onslaught.”

You take a couple steps back, prepared to run. He grabs your arms, wraps his around your torso, and picks you up, swinging you around.

“Nooooooooooooooooo!!” You cry. “Put me down you oaf!”

“No! I want love!” He all but shouts, and spins you around. He grabs your cheek with one hand and starts giving you big ‘ol smooches all over your face, and you’re giggling and trying to push him away, when you hear something drop and spill on the pavement a good twenty feet from you. You look up.

It’s Spinel.

Her face is twisted with heartbreak, and before you can even speak up, she bolts.

You look down, and see the cookies she made you scattered on the ground.

#spinel x reader #spinel #su #steven universe #spinel self insert #fic #my fic #devils ballroom #look. im not sorry yall. i promise next chapter youll get what u want LMFAO

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rylbaebae · 3 years ago

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me being unable to can

What’s up! It has been 2 whole fucking years since I last updated this blog/e-diary of mine. I think the last time I updated was when I came back to FEBIAS right? lmao look at me now, I’m finally free from that hell on earth. But enough of that for now. I want to make this kwentuhan session to be a bit more orderly so dahan-dahan lang haha.

Ungraceful Exit

2019 was the year that I have told myself to strive and rise up from the puddle of regret that I was helplessly subjected into. I told myself that I will be better, that I will recover from all the pain that was inflicted on me by myself and other people I call "friends". I wanted to show myself that I am also able to do self-love. To show that I am also worthy to be cherished, even just by myself. That was my goal.

But I guess, things don't really go the way you want it to go.

As my batch graduated from school, I felt a sense of dread and helplessness. I admit, I was still attached to them. I didn't know what to do or feel when they left. Nevertheless, I still pushed myself in hopes of completing my course without them by my side. Days went by, having the thought of "just go by", I finished the summer school. I was happy that it has ended but I knew and felt that there was a catch. My sanity was fading.

Continuing unto the next semester, I still had my goal of self-love and just to go by. I didn't gave a single fuck about anything that happened back then. It went good, but just for a few months.

I didn't know that my psyche has been fucking with me under my nose since the beginning. It was like a thief in the night. I didn't noticed it until I was already crying for help. All those time that I pushed myself to do things just to get by made me hate everything. I told myself that I'll love myself more but fuck, I subconsciously ignored my cries... just like before. It's always been like this.

There were times that I decided to just not go to school for a day to recuperate. Those days became weeks. Until I decided to drop from school for good. Di ko na kinaya. Everyday I'm having panic attacks just by the thought of doing school works. "Putangina, lesson plan na naman". I hated everything. "Anong gagawin ko sa piano room, wala namang nagreretain sa isip ko." That's it. I have failed everything and everyone, even myself. My goals? fuck that. That is when I realized that I have already succumbed into depression.

Sleepless Nights

There was no single day that tears haven't fell down on my cheeks. Everything was so miserable to the point that I even the most basic of chores, I can't find my self doing it properly. No thoughts, head empty.

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achylless47 · 4 years ago

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01/29/21 Thoughts

This is the second time I’m writing this little piece of crap because of the supremely crappy internet connection. fuck.

Take two.

I want to die. I really do.

I mean, I can die, I’m far from an immortal being, but It’s just that we don’t get to decide when and where we’ll die from a heart attack the instant we think of the idea. I don’t wanna commit suicide either. I wanna die in peace and leave the world with everyone remembering how saintly I am when I was still alive and not because I’m a youth who “wasted” her life because of “immature” reasons (my life was not lived quite well, actually, so it’s already a waste in the first place. And still, in the end, I still am a people pleaser !) I have my last few wishes before I depart from this world, and that is just one of those. Some might say I’m too young to be this depressed, but let me ask you, were you me when you were young? Did you get to suffer the same consequences as me? Yes, I get it, we all have our own fair share of consequences, and I have mine too, and maybe yours as well. It’s so easy to tell someone to “not be depressed” but when you’re at it, you’ll understand that the rabbit hole of depression is harder to climb than of quicksand, but both still share the same mechanics.

I don’t remember agreeing to live like getting to choose between yes and no like in a videogame or signing a contract with a divine being to give me a life I don’t wanna live. If my memories got erased of the event, and if I did sign something of the sort, I guess there is still much idiocy in me than I’ll ever know. I just hope I’ll never fall for the same scam in this cruel world, especially for a bogus business contract that would make me go broke than I already am. I kinda wish I got caught in the defensive parts of my mother’s uterus and got stuck so I wouldn’t be the victor in the race towards the egg cell. There might have been better options than me, and a billion at that. Well, it’s not like we have a choice, though.

Anyway, I won’t delve much further into how rock bottom feels, and I wish I won’t reach the point in taking my own life again. For now, it’s all just the desire to die. You have nothing to worry about me. Besides, dying won’t change the toxicity of the people I’m bound with. They won’t change even if I erase my own existence from this world. It’s a wasteful sacrifice not worth taking. Remember this, people won’t change after you die, ok?! They might cry on your funeral and drop a few tears on your well-polished deathbed, but THEY WILL NEVER FUCKING CHANGE lmao. You ain’t the person that’ll change the world once you get crucified and die. You’ll just die and get buried in the memories of people. Literally, they won’t even remember you a few years from now and your bones will just be put in a sack along with other nameless people’s bones after your place at the cemetery becomes a casualty of natural disasters.

What can I say, though? I’m completely losing control over my life. Video games are where I dwell most now when I feel so shit. I even feel numb about my life now. I don’t even have the panic monster wreck havoc in me when my I get pass the deadlines set by my professors. I don’t know if I’m completely beyond saving, but I still manage to live my day-to-day life unhealthily. I don’t even know if happiness and motivation exist and if they are just metaphors for the dopamine surge that we feel when we experience various things. I don’t know what to think of. Everyday, I just live for the sake of the little pleasures I feel when I get a “kill” on the video game I’m currently playing. Perhaps, that is what I would say if you’d ask me the reasons why I still wake up everyday and attend class.

Damn. Life is not a video game you can quit when you feel like quitting. And if you’re looking for an undo and restart button, there’s none of it. There’s a lot of things about life that I don’t understand and up until this day I still have a lot of questions. I think we all have. We don’t even get to start a new life when we want to. It just continues without a pause button to push, and time continues to flow without our consent. It’s unstoppable.

Now, what can I do? I’d say... absolutely nothing. I’m no strategist. Even if I consider myself a genius, I’m completely dumbfounded when you ask me my life plans. Yeah. There’s too much uncertainty. I have no idea what I’m gonna do a few years from now, and my mind can’t even generate a visualization of my future, no matter how many times I write it as vivid and descriptively as I can. I just can’t imagine it.

Because I don’t even know what I want.

If only the world was more forgiving, life would be a little bit much easier to manage. But things are complicated, they just seem simple at first glance. I remember my kindergarten years when I was asked to dress up in my dream profession. It was easy for me to say “I wanna be a doctor!” and wear a cute medical robe sewn by my grandma. Now, I really can’t say the same. Things really do change.

I grew up with the mentality that “mistakes define a person”. Up until today, I still subconsciously follow that line and when I feel like I’m gonna commit a mistake, I instantly retreat. I am a hundred percent aware of my perfectionism, though. I still dream of being the perfect person who can do everything. I mean, I was told I was smart since I was young, and maybe that’s true, I’m talented (except in dancing and things like that) and have this innate creativity that not everyone else gets to unlock (the problem is, I don’t use it properly). And however I try, I just can’t become the concept of the perfect me inside my head. I just keep being the person I loathe.

I won’t mind someone saying how I’m the worst person they’ve ever met, because at this point I have a corrupted heart, turbulent emotions and impure soul. I’ll just own it, I’m cool with it. I may be borderline narcissist or a dark empath, but do villains not deserve salvation? I know villains have their very own redemption arc, but not all villains, though...

But now, I just don’t know. My mind is completely blank. I guess, if whatever happens to me, I’ll just accept it as is. In that way, I’ll be able to dodge the gravity of depression and anxiety. I won’t cry over destructive criticisms thrown at me either. I think it’s safe to say that I am a problematic person, and I should accept that fact too. I always think how I’m so bad at being a normal person, because I’m actually not normal. Not at this point. I would even dare to say I need a psychologist and some damn good therapy.

P.S. Well, I could hire a hitman to kill me, but I’m broke and could hardly afford anything.

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alwayslookingforthebooty · 4 years ago

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11/11/20

Today is November 11th,2020. It's my Dad's birthday today, and many are speaking of the portals of manifestation that open with 1111. Its been a really slow day for me though, I think I am PMS-ing like a bitch ! I really don't enjoy waking up with an attitude, it doesn't feel like me. Anger feels so intrusive in my body. I want to reject it and its one of the hardest emotions to accept and go into. It doesn’t help that as a person I am transparent as fuck lmao. Some people can put on a mask and go on about their day. Honestly I’m glad I don't have a mask to hide behind, because I always receive the support I need to get through my emotions instead of trying to overpass them with rationalizations. We all have a hard time accepting where we are at wherever we are at. We all contain the full spectrum of emotions. But we must know, that through any identity or persona, we are more then that, we are more then it all. Multi-dimensional beings. I am a Warrior, a being of light put here to transcend limitations of fear and stories of lack. Not everyday do I feel like a radiant solar Leo priestess. Some days, like today, I feel like garbage, a mopey mop of mopiness. Relentlessly agitated. A sack of dirty potatoes. And thats okay too. Because I know that I am more then that, and today will pass. Just like every other bad day I have ever had. Yesterday was worse though, I felt a lot of anxiety, and by the end of the night I was shaking and crying while desperately filling my tub with water so I could feel the rush of serenity. Its good to cry, and it rarely gets that bad anymore, but honestly I learned a lot from it. I know that although I lead a very happy life, eventually the darkness will creep in again, and it's really just learning how to cope with it and accept it at this point. My eyes are still puffy, and yet I am grateful for those learning moments, because I realize that although I can’t turn it off like a switch, I can ease myself down with the grounding exercises, and use my voice to communicate how I'm feeling once I start coming down from it. Because when you're in it, you become this puddle of emotion, all sense of identity seems to fade away, and you are left with the thoughts swirling around your head. A lot of people don't know how to deal with panic attacks, or anxiety, because it looks foreign, startling, they think, what is wrong with you and how can I fix you. But it's not about fixing me, it's about accepting me where I am at, and making me feel like I belong again. In my head I am already alienating myself, and honestly the worst thing you can do as a supporter is make me feel more alien, more rejected . Acceptance is the key. When we accept things as they are instead of trying to change them, you can flow easier in the situation. Bringing it back to my dad. It was really hard for me to accept his actions, his mistakes, and who I believed him to be. But by accepting him and forgiving him for the past, its allowed me to finally be present with who he is now, and some of the things about him that will never change. He is my father, and he’s done fucked up shit, but I still love him. The same goes for me. I am Kristina, and i've done some fucked up shit, and I can be messy as hell, sometimes I don't know which version of myself Ill get, but I still love myself. Through it all. That is loyalty, being so dedicated to your growth that you push past it all to get back to love. Love is really where it's at, it's where life gets interesting, takes a turn for the best. When we live in love, we live in acceptance, we reflect often, and realize what it really means to be a human. All the things we are blessed with. All those who have supported us even though at the time we didn't feel deserving. Love can come and sneak in just like fear can. Its the seeds we plant in our mind that judge what thoughts can stay and what thoughts get ejected. Back then the seeds of fear were so strong in my head that love didnt know how to survive there. Now the seeds of love in my brain are so vast that fear has a hard time hanging on lmao. I am where I never thought I could be before. My sadness transmits into gratitude. I learned that the more grateful you are, the more abundance comes your way. Im not just talking money, but experiences of fullness, richness, community, feeling abundant means feeling empowered and whole to, just as you are. We are meant to live our lives in love, we are meant to find our greatest gifts, and share them with the world. In this way we not only heal ourselves, but others too. And for that, I am grateful. Grateful for this day where I feel like shit, because at least I know, I am not shit, and I can and will, get through anything. I love you Kristina, thank you for writing to me again.

#freewriting

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moon-andthe-stars · 8 years ago

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Why do you worry so much?

I get asked that question a lot. “Why do you worry so much?”

“You need to stop worrying.”

“Calm down.”

“Stop worrying.”

Those are the things I hate hearing from other people. My answer to all these questions?

“Because my brain won’t let me stop.”

“I can’t help it.”

“You telling me to calm down won’t help me calm down!”

“I wish it were that easy.”

anxiety; a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

There is way more to anxiety than that definition. When I have anxiety I start to feel nauseous and I get really light headed. My heart beats so fast that I can’t even keep up with my self. I start to sweat and I cant stay still for more that a minute. I won’t talk to anyone and I hate being touched. If you try to pull me or hug me I will push you away. That is what my panics attacks consist of. They sometimes get so bad that I actually start to dry heave.

Whats weird about my anxiety is I used think I didn’t have a trigger to my anxiety. I honestly thought I used get nervous for no reason at all. I would think is anxiety supposed to have triggers or is there seriously something wrong with me? I have had anxiety since I could remember. I grew up confident with what I had and not scared to admit it but now as I get older it gets worse from all the stress. Going out to eat is hard for me. I always feel way more comfortable eating at home. I don’t like to stay at other peoples places cause I always worry that I’ll wake up with anxiety and I’ll have to wake up however I’m staying with to help me. I’ve started to notice little things like that make me anxious and sometimes cause panic attacks. As I think about it now, I feel like I had triggers when I was little but I was just so confused with my anxiety. I would ask my self, “Why do I feel this way? What is causing this?” I remember going to school is what caused my anxiety. I hated throwing up. It was the worse thing ever when I was little and there was this girl in my 1st grade class that would come to school and cry so much that she would puke. Everyday I would go to school nervous as hell that this girl would puke and I’d catch her sickness. I’d work myself up so bad about it that I’d actually end up puking lmao. My mom started telling me stories about when I was a toddler and how I wouldn’t get into the water like the other kids. I really never wanted to try. Also I would never ride my bike cause I still had training wheels. I was 8 years old when I finally learned how to ride a bike. Hearing these stories and putting them together made me realize all the triggers I had and I got through all of them eventually. I can now ride and bike and I can swim like a fish.

What keeps me going is knowing that if I could get through my anxiety when I was a kid. I will most definitely get through it now.

I am going to continue posting about my anxiety and struggles with every day life. I would love to hear about anxiety from you guys. We are not alone in this. I want to help people that are really struggling with it. I want to hear your story and your triggers and how you get through it. (:

I’m afraid that this post doesn’t make any sense or I didn’t get my point across but I ‘m going to post it and hope to get some feedback about anxiety.

#anxiety #struggle #depression #triggers #help #anxious #social anxiety

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saleurlone · 8 years ago

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Friendships with mental illness

Dealing with bi polar disorder I constantly find myself eventually isolating myself from everyone and in that process some people stick around and some people leave. I don’t mean to push anyone away but it just happens. Slowly but surly. I find myself constantly wanting to confide in someone but I feel like if I tell someone everything they’ll want nothing to do with me or judge me so I hold everything inside until I have a full on panic or anxiety attack. And I’m impulsive as fuck. I always find myself doing any saying shit on an impulse. No time to think. I’m in a love hate relationship with the world and it’s fucking exhausting. Constantly having your emotions go from one side of the spectrum to the other and not knowing how you truly feel until you have a good day and can be logical and re-think everything fucking sucks. I feel like I’m drained of all my energy constantly. And I feel like it’s really taken a tole on my friends and family. They never know what mood I’m going to be in, or if they’re going to accidentally trigger me and have to watch what they say to me and how they say it. I interpret things in the most dramatic ways lmao and am just dramatic to begin with. Right now I feel like my best friend Erika wants nothing to do with me and is bottom line tired of my shit. I feel like she’s tired of being the strong one and I understand. But it still hurts. I feel like she feels like I’m not able to be emotionally there for her and give her the comfort that she needs because I’m too busy just trying to maintain my sanity. I feel like me and my problems finally drove her away. I reached out to her saying that I loved her and missed her and got no reply. It sucks you know? I try my best to manage my illness but most of the time shit is just out of my control. There’s one lost friendship that still stings a little though. I had a friend that I made in high school and our bond over music is what really solidified our friendship (I’ll refer to him as GV) We kept in touch after school was over and he got to know me and know about my mental problems in the process and he was actually really cool about it. He had problems of his own, as we all do, so he knew what was up. There’d be times where I’d try to bring him up when he was going through his shit just because I knew how it felt to feel like you had no one to be there for you in your time of need and on top of that he was the fucking homie, of course imma check up on him and make sure he’s good you know? Just like I do with everyone I care about. Anyways, as time went by I got introduced to his friends and that was it, I knew from the beginning these people were fucking talented and wholehearted and I was completely there for that lol. They’re all involved in music so as time went on I would go to whatever little shows they had and supported them to the fullest (as I still do) and we would hang out here and there. My goal in life is to make music myself so I ended up moving to California just to see what would happen. My best friend Travis makes music as well and was already living out there for over a year at that point and so we decided to live together out there. That lasted for about a year lmfao (I��ll explain later smh) but during that year I kept in touch with the homies back home. They were really excited for me to go and I would update them from time to time and give them the rundown on how everything was going. When I first moved there they were the first ones I facetimed because I was low key freaking the fuck out hahahahahaha and they were there for me. Reminding me that I’ll be good, just doing what friends do. While I was living in cali I got a job at the Dave & Busters on Hollywood boulevard. Hella celebrities would be in and out. I’ve met Akon LOL, Diane Keaton, a grip of vine famous people, Neyo, Debbie Ryan, The game, (Metro Boomin was there on my day off and I was livid) and so many d-list celebs I can’t even remember lmao. But! Right before I moved back to Tucson the Kardashians bought D&B out for Khloe’s birthday and I ended up seeing Kanye in the flesh! I could not stop thinking about how the homies were gonna flip when I told them because we’re all HUGE Kanye fans and sure enough they were the first people I told and they were flipping out hahahahahahaha. I called GV as soon as I got home that night and gave him allllll the details and it was just a really exciting time and I’m glad I got to share that with him and his friends. And as you all know now I’m back in Tucson. I had a really bad blowout with Travis. I was just not utilizing my time in California wisely and I was dating a lot when I was out there and it was just all bad. We fought a lot and it got to the point where I would get anxiety when I knew he was coming home because I knew we were going to get into it. I knew I was going to move home right before Travis and I had our final blow out and I was confiding in GV a lot at that time and was letting him know that I knew I was going to come home soon. Shit was just wayyyy to toxic at that point and you know in your gut when something is about to end. As soon as I moved back here I was completely broken and just felt really out of control. I moved back the Fourth of July and no one knew I was living here till like September lmao. My family was falling apart right when I got here also so it was just added on to my stress. That’s when things escalated between GV and I. I was looking for a shoulder to cry on and I found one basically lol. I just wasn’t expecting what was there to come. He just got out of a long term relationship, I just moved back and I guess we both were vulnerable in a way and found solace in each other. We openly talked about how it wasn’t going to be anything serious and I was cool with that. I wasn’t expecting to catch feelings lmfao. I can admit, I was super difficult to deal with during that time. My Nino just moved into my nana’s house out of nowhere. I was on the phone with GV at 6 in the morning and my Nino just shows up on my door step straight out of jail with no warning or nothing, and just to let you guys know my Nino is addicted to heroin and no one in my family really had anything to do with him at that time so it was a surprise that he thought he could just show up to my nanas all uninvited and shit. Then my mom was living here also and relapsed not too long after my Nino moved in and on top of all that I didn’t have a job. I’m the type of person that NEEDS a job. It’s the only constant in my constant shifting life and not having money is also a huge stressor. So as soon as we started talking or whatever that’s when I felt like he got to really see what was inside my mind. He got to see what I looked like completely broken. He truly got to get to know me you know. See what I go through when I’m crippled with anxiety and am constantly worrying about everything, not being able to see a future for myself. Being super pessimistic. I’d go through days where I would barley text him or not at all. With no explanation. When I get overwhelmed like that I don’t know how to express my true feelings and automatically push people away. But the longer he stuck around and would talk me down out of my episodes and the more he started to show he genuinely cared, I fell for him. I broke the fucking rules and caught feelings. Soooo, we all know that caught feelings comes with jealousy.. there was this one chick he’d be constantly flirting with on the interweb and I didn’t bring it up. For I knew what this was when I started this whole mess. But one night he brought her up and then said “but I’d never get with her tho” 🤔 hahahahahahaha. I knew deep in my gut it was bs but what could I do? We weren’t together. We still had whatever we had going on though. One night I broke my phone and didn’t have one for two weeks but I would still talk to him everyday on fucking Facebook lol. But I feel that’s when the shift started. I felt it in my soul that he was talking to her but what the fuck could I do. When I finally got my phone I confronted him about it and we both agreed that it wasn’t right, BUT WE BOTH KNEW WHAT THIS WAS WHEN WE STARTED THIS SHIT. It was basically a sorry not sorry conversation. And that’s when I started to become distant. Then just stopped talking to him all together with no explanation. But we both knew why. I’m not fucking stupid. And it was a further confirmation when he let me be. Like a month after I stopped talking to him and deleted him on everything and all that he tried reaching out to me and I told him to just pretend I didn’t exist (so angsty) and he granted my wish. I feel like he just didn’t want to deal with me and my problems anymore. It’s just a shitty situation. I knew him 4 years before this all happened and I miss his friends more than anything. I wished none of this shit happened. I wish I could have some type of friendship with him but I can’t. I hurt. And that’s okay. I’ll never stop showing him and his homies unconditional love when it comes to their music though. I’ll be civil in public for the sake of everyone including myself. I don’t feel anything ugly towards him and I don’t find myself wishing him the worst. I’m just sorry this all happened. I find myself wondering if things would’ve been different had I not been born being crazy lol. At the end of the day it is what it is and it was definitely a learning experience. The more I accept things for what they are the easier it is for me to put that shit in the past. I don’t ever want to go through anything like that again lmao and I feel like to prevent something like this from happening I need to learn how to communicate my feelings and need to know that I do matter. My feelings matter. I am not a burden like I feel I am. And people do need to know what’s going on with me even if I don’t feel like I owe them an explanation.

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