#have done screenings for anxiety and am medicated

[killcatboys]

yall tell me why I went into psych to ask for an adhd eval and they just prescribed me magnesium supplements and told me to check back in 2 weeks

[newtkive]

pixels [newt x reader - modern text au]

ch. 4 - agoraphobia and burger king on 5th street

summary: a personal experience provides a way for newt to connect to y/n.

warnings: strong language, mental health talk, depression, medication (its my literal prescription i mention oops this is like a self insert fr), mutual pining, none really.

➥ m.list

--

THE GLADE

[ 10:52 am ]

y/n: it’s official yall

drugs saved my life

tommy: huh??

minho: same

newt: wow, i’ve never seen your name on my screen before 12 pm

y/n: shut the hell up bitch

newt: ouch, touchy

minho: woah

touchy 👀

are yallll..?

y/n: you’re sick

tommy: are we going to ignore the drugs statement??

like hello are u ok ??

newt: you’re annoying minho

minho: yea <3 😊

notice how they didn’t say no

y/n: you guys just don’t understand how a girl like me needs beauty sleep..

and no we aren’t

gally: all that beauty sleep and ur still walking around with that mug.. yikes.

y/n: 😑

i hate you i haete you i dhateoyifu

minho: great she’s having a fit

y/n: no one cares about me

and you think i’m ugly

this is so sick

and you don’t even care that i’m on drugs

☹️😭😭😭😭 done.

newt: no one said that love

gally that was rude

minho: BRUHHHHH

here she goes

tommy: I CAREE????????

DO I NEED TO COMEGET YOU????

y/n: yes 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

before i do something crazy 😭😭💣

minho: THE BOMB IS WILD

tommy: stay where you are

i have your location

newt: uhhh

y/n: pause what

minho: tommy why would you admit to that

tommy: im On my way! what’s the issue

sorry autocorrect

y/n: WHY DO YOU HAVE MY LOCATION????

gally: can you guys shut the fuck up

minho: the drama queen is here 😍

gally: stop

alby: I have it on Life360, I imagine Thomas does as well. In fact I have all of your locations.

y/n: oh

i forgot about that app..

minho: i didn’t. i get a notif that newt’s phone is at 5% all the goddamn time

even tho he said he deleted it

newt: just turn it off then

i redownloaded it don't track my app intake

minho: no it makes me feel less lonely

y/n: awwwww

idk how you do that newt

newt: do what?

y/n: not charge your phone

if my phone gets below like 15% then the monsters will get me

tommy: omg me tooo 🥹

newt: i was about to say you sound like tommy.

tommy: don’t say that!

she’s on drugs i don’t want to sound like an addict 😔

newt: she isn’t on drugs thomas

tommy: she literally said she is newt :/

5 mins and i’m there y/n

y/n: are you actually fr

thomas..

we live very far away sweetie

newt: i mean

if you were in trouble you don’t think we’d come get you?

tommy: ^^

but life360 says you’re at the burger king on 5th

minho: no that’s me LOOOL

y/n: NEWTTT ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

tommy: wtf

i’m the one who’s coming to get u

why does he get the credit

minho: no tommy you’re coming to get me

tommy: oh yippee i get to see my friend 🤗

newt: ewwwwww

y/n: EWWWWW

tommy: OH STOP IT

y/n: why burger king of all places min

minho: why drugs of all things y/n

gally: she’s not doing drugs are you guys fuckin insane

y/n: yes i am

it’s 10 mg of fluoxetine 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

ONCE A DAY!!!!!!

IM ADDICTED

newt: no you aren’t, 10 mg is the smallest dose

minho: told y’all she was on drugs

y/n: ???????

minho: over the year

you’re too hyper to not be on some crack shit

tommy: oh stop that’s not nice.

newt: it’s not drugs like that minho stop.

tommy: uhoh he brought out the . at the end

y/n: it’s just for anxiety cuz i can’t leave the house without going into a breakdown

minho: she got acrophobia

told y’all she was mental

newt: what the fuck are you talking about

tommy: oh i know that word

fear of spiders 🕷️

minho: wtf no

fear of outside

y/n: i’m not afraid of outside

newt: that’s agoraphobia you fucking dumbass

y/n: 😍

i did NOT mean to send that lol oops

newt: ??

oh, okay

minho: when he’s a know it all 😍

when she’s agoraphobic 😍

y/n: when he’s at burger king on 5th because he has no food in his fridge and can only afford a $1.99 whopper with the coupons from the newspaper 😍😍😍😍

minho: 😒😑

newt: LMFAOOOO

GOOD THAT

minho: british people be so annoying

saying shit like gormless minger and good that be sooo real rn

newt: i have never said gormless minger in my whole 26 years of life.

y/n: you just did bro

newt: call me bro again

y/n: bro

brosive

brother

stepbro

minho: laughed until i saw the last msg :/

newt: 😑

y/n: ok youre the perverts

minho: cant you take your prozac and turn back to normal now

y/n: so you DO know what it is..

gally: wym 'back to normal' like there was smth before this??

y/n: real i been like this for life

tommy: i got whopper and two large fries and mozzarella sticks

newt: wow

y/n: wow just call him a fatass newt.

newt: i would never, stop

y/n: 2 large fries is kinda crazy tho

tommy: i have to get enough to share with my friend

minho

gally: surprised you have friends

tommy: yeah you are not one.

gally: RUDE?

y/n: WELL LMFAO

minho: i literally already ate also gally ur not my friend either

newt: same

alby: same

gally: well why tf am i in here

y/n: well you're my friend!

gally: great.

y/n: not with that attitude..

tommy: y/n you're ok though right??

y/n: yes tommy im fine sweetie

go eat your food

tommy: okay i wish you could share these fries with me

y/n: me too :(

minho: i don't

big back would eat em all

y/n: i actually hate you

__

newt

[ 11:45 am ]

newt: hey

y/n: hiii :D whats up??

newt: idk why but this feels like secretly texting you across the room at a party

y/n: actually tho

picture me giving u a look from across the room

newt: you would blow our cover immediately

i just wanted to let you know if you needed any like,, advice or something with your new medicine i'm here for you. i take the same stuff on top of lexapro

y/n: oh really?

newt: yeah i do

y/n: newt :( thank you

i am a bit nervous to start it tbh

newt: i understand, i was too

but hopefully it'll change things for the better

y/n: i hope so

i didn't realize you dealt with anxiety n stuff

newt: more than you know

you aren't the only one and you aren't alone w it

y/n: you're sweet newt, thank you

newt: don't mention it :))

sorry the smiley was creepy

y/n: lmao no i like it

if you need to talk or anything too i’m always here

newt: yeah?

y/n: of course ): you’re my pookie

newt: one day you gotta let go of that word lmao

y/n: but you love it tho

newt: you tell yourself that

actually are you free rn?

y/n: yeah! i’m just about home what’s up?

newt: i’m bored so pick up the phone

y/n: NEWT LMAO

ok fine 😒

[thegalaxysedge22]

After Ever (Chapter 2)

< Prev | Next >

pair: sylus x MC (named)

tags/tw: cannon adjacent, made up medical shit, lowkey hippa violation, cursing, death & grief

word count: 7.3k

song rec: taste by sabrina carpenter (has nothing to do with this chapter but it is just so good)

taylor song rec: I Know Places (it's the arctic)

a/n: this one is gonna be a bit choppy cause we have so much to get through BUT we get to meet Pie, so ur welcome. also, please leave feedback or comment 🥺

important: if you want to follow this fic and updates but don't want to follow me bc im annoying (understandable) check out the tag #after ever fanfiction

Kore arrived at the Hunter’s Association’s headquarters exhausted. She got on the crowded elevator drinking the last of her coffee while she waited for the elevator to arrive on her floor. With a ding, the doors opened. She pushed her way through the few people left and stepped out onto her floor, business as usual. 

Upon arriving at her cubicle the first thing she did, primarily out of habit, was plug in her laptop. She brought her travel mug to her lips, hoping it would revitalize her energy only to find that the thermos was empty. Grumbling, she made her way to the breakroom.

Being the first person on her floor to arrive, or at least first in the breakroom, she was forced or cursed to brew a fresh pot of coffee. While waiting for the coffee to brew, Kore leaned back against the countertop with her head back and eyes closed, rubbing her temples.

“Wow, you’re here early,” a voice said. Immediately Kore’s eyes snapped open to find Tara on her way to sit at a table.

“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep so I thought I might as well come in and get some work done,” Kore said, her voice gravely from lack of use. She cleared her throat and went over to sit down by Tara. “What are you doing here this early anyways,” she questioned her friend.

“Oh, I always get here this early. I find it nice to be able to get settled before everyone comes in. Plus I think it gives a good impression to the Captain being here early,” Tara responded, eyes sparkling while talking about Jenna, their boss. 

“But are you alright,” Tara asked, reaching out across the table, “I mean this with all of the love in the world, but you look like shit.”

“Well thank you for that,” Kore chuckled. She hadn’t bothered to look in a mirror after her all-nighter. Although she was no stranger to lack of sleep, Kore’s sleep schedule had been becoming more regular and socially acceptable, that is until the accident.

“I mean it’s a good thing we have this long weekend, am I right,” Tara said reassuringly before a spark of anxiety met her eyes, “You do have the weekend off right, you’re not one of the poor hunter’s that got stuck working over the holiday are you?”

“No, don't worry, I’ll be able to get some rest this weekend,” Kore reassured her friend. The coffee maker beeped, signaling that it had completed brewing. “Oh thank God,” Kore said in relief, getting up and pouring half of the pot directly into her large travel mug. She chugged most of it, burning her tongue in the process, but she didn’t care, she was too desperate to get more caffeine coursing through her veins. She was in the middle of refilling her thermos when Tara spoke again.

“Jeez, I’d say to chill it with the coffee but you look like you might need it,” she said jokingly. Kore offered her a playful glare in return. They heard the elevator to their floor at the end of the hallway ding through the open door. “I’m just saying. Anyways, I gotta get going, I think Capitan Jenna is here,” Tara said with a little wink before exiting.

Kore rolled her eyes before putting the pot back so it stayed warm. She exited the break room making a B-line for her cubicle. Upon arriving the computer’s screen caught her attention. Opened was the blank draft of the email she was going to send last night to Dr. J Higgins, the metaflux researcher. Sitting down at the desk, Kore rolled out her shoulders before typing out a message.

Hello Dr. Higgins, this is Kore. I work for the Hunter’s Association and was wondering if you would be available to answer some questions about the recent metaflux explosions that we are currently looking into.

She continued drafting the email leaving her contact information at the very end and hit the send button before she could second guess herself. Kore leaned back in her chair stretching, hoping that the day would be busy so she had something to occupy her busy mind.

By the time lunch had rolled around Kore was bored out of her mind, work had been slow and it was just one report after another. The appearances of wanderer had been minimal enough that other members of the UNICORNS team— she always found that to be a dumb acronym — were able to take care of it, which was strange because recently wanderer sightings had been on the rise. 

Earlier in the day she had sent a message to Zayne asking if he knew anything about what was in the documents that he had given her the day before. She hadn’t heard back from him until late afternoon.

“I had my suspicions about what was in them but I couldn’t be certain.” - Zayne

“If you would like we can go over it together later tonight” - Zayne

“That sounds wonderful. I’ve been confused” - Kore

“Okay. See you soon then.” - Zayne

Before she knew it, the day was over and Kore was packing up her stuff. After taking the stairs down to the lobby, Kore was shocked to find Zayne standing off to the side looking the other way. She ran over to him and tapped him on his shoulder. He jumped a little before turning, a look of relief flashed across his face for the briefest moment upon seeing who it was.

“Kore, where did you come from? I thought you were coming from over there, he said, slightly confused, pointing at the other set of elevators on the other side of the lobby.

“I took the stairs, you know, for my health and all,” Kore responded with a cheeky smile.

“Ahhh,” Zayne said trailing off. He looked off into space for the briefest moment before shaking his head and snapping back into reality. “Should we get going then?” he asked, gesturing ahead, which she nodded to.

The two fall into step on their way out the door. On the way to Kore’s apartment they had decided to stop and grab some take out for dinner. They fell into a comfortable conversation about each of their days, Kore being particularly interested in the research Zayne was working on. The pair stepped off the elevator onto Kore’s floor and walked together to her door.

“...and that’s how Protocore Syndrome type N works,” Zayne concluded as Kore unlocked and opened her door. What met them was a disaster, her apartment was still an absolute wreck from last night when she had torn it apart looking for her charger.

“Um… It doesn’t usually look like this,” Kore said to Zayne sheepishly. She guided him into her home and cleared off the table, moving the box of documents to the countertop. She then went to grab plates and silverware so that they could eat. Zayne unboxed the Thai food. They both dished up their food and sat down to eat. An awkward silence enveloped the atmosphere. Unwilling to wait, Kore got up and grabbed the documents to go through while they ate.

“Okay, so here they are, it says some things about how my heart has an Aether Core in it, but I don’t even know what that fucking is, and it says something about me being tested on but I don’t remember that at all, but it also says that my Grandma was involved somehow, her name is all over those papers, but that just can’t be right,” Kore started all in one breath, spilling out the thoughts that had been consuming her mind. She took a deep breath and continued, handing the folders over to him, “I just can’t imagine her doing something like that at all. I’m just confused, I mean what does this all mean?” By the time she ended her speech she was near tears.

“I am not that knowledgeable about aether cores, but I know someone who is. Let me read the documents and see what I can find before we go any further,” Zayne said, pushing his plate away and opening the first folder. He put on his glasses that he had pulled from his suit pocket.

Kore was so nervous that she could no longer stomach eating, so she took her plate and put the food in the trash before setting it in the sink. She grabbed the to-go boxes from the table and put them in the fridge for safe keeping. Looking over at Zayne his eyes were uncharacteristically wide so Kore pulled up a chair next to him and sat down.

Zayne looked over at her before positioning the papers so that they could both read them. The words that she read last night staring back at her almost mocking her. Zayne cleared his throat before speaking, pushing up his glasses.

“It’s saying that the reason your Protocore Syndrome is so different, unlike anything I have ever seen before, is because it was intentional,” Zayne explained, an atypical aura of uncertainty shrouded his words. “If this is to be believed, the condition in your heart is the product of an aether core being placed there.

“A good doctor knows his limits and there is more in these papers that I can’t fully comprehend, but my mentor Dr Noah would likely be a better resource when it comes to this. 

“However the excessive redaction in some of these documents,” Zayne said, pulling out a few from the pile, “could make it difficult for even Dr Noah to understand. I can’t offer you any guarantees, but I can provide you with some contact information if you would like.”

“Dr. Noah?” Kore questioned, “He was my old doctor, before you were. Didn’t he go to the Arctic to study something?”

“That’s right, I am surprised you know that, Kore,” Zayne responded, “He’s currently in Snowcrest studying the ways in which-” Zayne's eyes went wide and he cut himself off. He straightened his tie to regain his composure before continuing saying, “Actually I am not allowed to discuss his research. But I go and visit him sometimes to assist him.”

The gears started turning in her head, completely glossing over Zayne’s slip of tongue. I have a long weekend, I could go up to Snowcrest tomorrow and be back before work. That way I can get answers and that can lead me to closure. I know I promised Tara I would rest, but that can happen later, this is more important.

“I recognize that look in your eyes from when we were kids. I don’t think that it is a good idea to go up to Snowcrest, Kore,” Zayne said somewhat sternly, “The weather up there is often unpredictable, it wouldn’t be safe for you to go to a place you’ve never been all by yourself.”

“Then why don’t you come with me,” Kore said excitedly as if it was the best idea in the world. 

“You’re not going to give this up are you?” Zayne questioned after a moment’s pause and long sigh. The look in her eyes is all the answer he needs. “Alright, we can go tomorrow, you need to get some sleep, it is a long journey.” 

With that he stood up and went to the door, Kore following behind him. Before he left her apartment, Zayne hesitated at the door before turning back around.

“However Kore, there is one more important thing in these files that I think you need to know; it seems that your Grandma was one of the researchers involved with the Aether Core being placed in your heart,” Zayne said in his usual even tone, but his eyes were filled with empathy.

“Oh,” Kore responded meekly. After a beat she continued, “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, right? Meet at the train station?”

“Right,” Zayne said, looking concerned, but nodding anyways “have a good night, Kore.”

Ignoring the doctor’s advice, after he left she returned to the files at the table, pouring over them until the words lost all of their meanings. At this point she had been awake for well over 36 hours, and she was struggling to keep her eyes open. 

Kore woke up to a streak of sunlight directly on her face. The confusion of why she was plastered to her dining room table lingered until she remembered she was reading late into the night.

Shit, I am supposed to be meeting Zayne at the station soon, Kore thought to herself. Checking her watch she realized it was much later than she thought it was.  In a panicked state she quickly grabbed all of the papers, placing them back in the box and packed a bag for the weekend. If asked about it she probably couldn’t tell you for certain what was in there, but she made it out the door on time so that was all that mattered. 

Once she arrived at the train station, Kore put her hands on her knees, taking a moment to catch her breath. She looked around for Zayne and spotted him at a nearby cafe. He somehow spotted her at the same time and waved her over with the faintest hint of a smile. 

“Hi-” Kore says at the same time Zayne starts speaking. 

“I was worried you weren’t going to make it on time,” Zayne said as he stood up from his seat, placing a large tip on the table.

“Sorry about that, I woke up a bit late,” Kore said apologetically. Zayne gave her a single nod in return as if saying her response was acceptable. The two of them started walking over to the platform to wait for their train.

“I did some digging into aether cores, but there wasn’t too much literature out there on it, as far as I can tell they are a type of modified protocore, but as for how they are modified or to what extent I do not know” he said, cutting right to the chase. “I also alerted Dr. Noah of your presence on this trip,” he added

“What do you mean ‘my presence’?” Kore questioned him as they walked over to the train.

“He was already expecting me.” Zayne calmly said, “I was going up this weekend to assist Dr. Noah in his research, he said he had something important to show me.”

“Zayne, how do you know Dr. Noah again?” Kore asked. 

“Dr. Noah was one of my professors when I was in medical school. When I arrived at Akso Hospital he was about to retire from his position as Chief Medical Officer, but despite that he still helped me adjust to the new setting. He became a mentor to me while I was in my residency, and I owe a lot to him. Now that he has retired I do what I can to help him.” 

While Zayne talked the train to Snowcrest pulled up to the platform and they boarded the train, managing to snag a private compartment. Kore plopped down onto the seat and Zayne looked at her closely for the first time that morning. He saw the prominent dark circles and bags underneath her eyes and sighed in clear disappointment.

“I see you didn’t follow my advice last night,” Zayne said, shaking his head, “It is not wise to ignore your doctor’s orders, you know.” Kore could only give him a guilty smile.

Zayne sighed again, “It will be a while before we arrive in Snowcrest. Rest until then and I will wake you once we arrive.”

“Kore,” a voice said, while a hand shook her shoulder gently. Her eyes opened and she blinked groggily, once her eyes got into focus she saw Zayne crouching in front of her. “We arrived,” he continued, standing back as Kore stretched.

“Alright, let’s get going I suppose,” Kore yawned out. 

Outside of the station, in the dim light, they were met with a sparkling white landscape of snow. A small fox-like creature came bounding up for them, which scared Kore, who hadn’t noticed its presence prior nor did she expect such a thing to occur. 

The fox ended directly in front of Zayne and eagerly wagged its tail. Kore raised an eyebrow to the man, who took some food out of his messenger bag to give to the animal.

“This is Pie,” Zayne said, turning to Kore. “Pie, this is Kore,” Zayne introduced her to the animal, to which Kore sent him a curious glance. “Pie’s intelligence is on par with that of a nine-year-old child. Remarkably, he is able to recognize faces and remember names. Dr. Noah rescued him from Mount Eternal a few years back while he was doing some important research.

“It looks like Dr. Noah was unable to greet us at the station so he sent Pie in his stead,” Zayne explained further and Kore nodded in understanding.

Together they trekked in relative silence to the outskirts of the village to where Dr. Noah was residing. Upon arriving at his house, Zayne opened one of the back doors as if it was a regular routine and beckoned Kore to follow.

“Dr. Noah’s health isn’t what it used to be. Sometimes when I or some of my colleagues come up he has us let ourselves in,” Zayne said, navigating the home’s hallways with familiarity, “If he doesn’t show up at the station that means that we should let ourselves in.

“Here is where you will be staying,” Zayne said, stopping at a door on the second floor. “I will be in the room right across from you,” Zayne said, pointing to another door behind him with his thumb. He turned around, heading to his room but hesitated. Kore’s hand was turning the doorknob when Zayne turned back.

“You should really try to get some rest tonight, Kore,” Zayne said with full sincerity, “I am not saying this as your doctor, but as your friend.” 

“I’ll try,” she responded with a faint smile, “Goodnight, Zayne.”

“Good night, Kore,” he echoed.

At that, Kore entered her room and plopped down onto the twin sized bed, ready to get some sleep, but sleep wouldn’t come to her. She tossed and turned for what seemed like hours. Her mind was so preoccupied with questions about everything that had happened to her recently. She couldn’t help but wonder if the files had any connection to her grandma’s death.

Eventually she abandoned all hope of sleep. Deciding she might as well be productive if she couldn’t rest, she plucked a box from her bag and sat down at the small desk by the balcony, which she just noticed.

She turned on the small lamp, illuminating the room with a dim warm light. She finds a pad of paper and a pencil at the desk and realizes that it would be wise of her to take some notes and not just reread them, that way she can ask better questions of Dr. Noah.

Hours past and she had obsessively written pages of notes that would be incoherent to anyone but her when there was a tap in the balcony window. Jumping in her seat, Kore turned to see what had caused the noise only to see Zayne staring back at her from the other side of the door. 

Kore rose from her seat and went to the balcony. It was the earliest hours of the morning, when the sun was still shy and the stars are still shining bright. Zayne gave her a charming smile when she opened the door, moving aside to let him in.

“I had a feeling you would still be awake,” he said, stepping into the room. His gaze drifted over to the mess of papers on the desk and he raised an eyebrow knowingly. “Late night studying I see,” he said, reaching for the papers.

“Yeah, I have been trying to make sense of it all,” Kore said, picking up her pile of notes, handing them out to him “But it’s been exhausting and I don’t even know if I’m looking at the right stuff.”

“Okay, let’s see what you have so far,” Zayne said, grabbing the notes she held out to him. He attempted to read them, eyes squinting, but either because of the dim light or him not having his glasses he wasn’t sure.

“Hold on,” Zayne said before he stepped back through the balcony, returning moments later with his glasses in hand. “Alright, let’s take a look at this,” he said as he put on his glasses.

Kore giggled lightly at his demeanor, reminding her more of an old man than that of a young doctor. Zayne looked up at her confused as to what was so funny. She shook her head, refusing to elaborate on what she found to be humorous. He just gave her a weird look before directing his attention back onto her notes.

Reading them closer to the lamp this time with his glasses on, it turned out that the notes were just illegible to begin with, incomprehensible chicken scratch coated the page. The frantic, overlapping scribbles sent alarm bells off in Zayne’s mind, afterall, it was only natural for a doctor to be concerned about the well-being of their patient.

“Kore, what does this say,” Zayne asked without the hesitation that would be typical of not being able to read someone else’s penmanship. Grabbing back the notes, Kore looks over them, eyes becoming wide.

“I-I, I honestly don’t know what this says,” Kore admits, “I guess I was so wrapped up in my mind I wasn’t even looking at what I was writing.”

A brief pause circled between them before Kore bursted out in laughter, after a brief moment Zayne joined in and the atmosphere shifted. They end up dropping the important conversation and talk late into the night like old friends would. Kore talked about becoming a Hunter and the pressure of taking the exam, which brought them to discussing Zayne’s time in medical school, which led into stories about his time up here helping in research and anecdotes about Dr. Noah.

Soon enough morning arrived, beams of sunlight slowly crept their way across the room. Kore and Zayne’s conversation slowly started to dwindle with the appearance of daylight. Zayne notices the clock across the room and stands up.

“It looks like it might be time for breakfast, we should probably get ready” he said moving towards the balcony door, “I’ll meet you downstairs.” Before he left her field of view he stood there and calculated something in his mind.

“It was nice talking to you again, Kore,” Zayne said with a small, unsure smile. A large, genuine grin spread across Kore’s face, the biggest since her grandmother had died.

“I really enjoyed it too, I will see you in a bit, Zayne,” Kore said, shutting the door behind him. Zayne nodded and disappeared into his room.

Kore arrived in the kitchen after she had made a few wrong turns. The sight that met her was unexpected. At the stove Zayne was cooking something that smelled delicious and at the countertop Dr. Noah was chopping vegetables. 

Before she could officially make her presence known a small ball of white fur came rushing over to her. Stopping at her feet, Pie sat wagging his tail and let out an excited yelp of sorts.

“Pie, not inside the house,” Dr. Noah scolded the fox. Looking up at the noise, he noticed Kore’s presence.

 “Ah, Kore, I see you’ve already been introduced to Pie,” Dr. Noah said with a warm smile, his fondness for the pup clear in his voice. “It is nice to see you again. Come and join us, breakfast is just about ready,” he continued, passing the vegetables off to Zayne. He moved towards the small table in the corner of the kitchen and gestured for her to sit.

“Did Zayne tell you how Pie got his name?” the elderly man asked once they both sat down. Without waiting for a response he continued, “When I first rescued Pie, one, no two, no three winters ago, he was a weak little thing, and was practically on the verge of starvation. 

“Well, the vet said that he was perfectly healthy but I don’t know about that,” he interrupted himself, wagging his finger. Zayne came over with the pan of food and divided the contents into three portions at the already set table. It was clear from the bored expression on his face that he had heard this tale many times. Dr. Noah paid no mind to him and kept on talking.

“The little thing was so hungry he ate not one, not two, not even three, but six whole meat pies at once,” the doctor said, making a bunch of exaggerated hand gestures, “At that point I knew for certain what his name would be, there was no question about it.

“After I nursed him back to health, I tried to release him back into the wild, like you’re supposed to do, but this little bugger kept coming back. It was clear he wanted to stay with me, so I kept him. It turns out that he is a smart little fella and mighty good with directions, so he has become my little guide. Visitors and the folks in town absolutely love him, and how could you not, he is such a good little boy.”

He showered the small fox with love while praising him, giving the animal scratches under its chin and some of the food off of his plate. Kore cleared her throat, sitting up straight as she did so. The old man looked at her with curiosity in his eyes, weaving his hands together and resting his head on them.

“Dr. Noah,” Kore started trying to gather some courage, “I have some questions about my heart condition and I think you might be the best person to ask.”

“Oh, my dear, it is much too early to talk business. There will be plenty of time for that later, for now let’s just enjoy each other’s company,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Dr. Noah believes in a strict separation between his work and personal life.” Zayne leaned in and said to Kore, “It is best to follow his wishes so you can stay in his good graces.” Kore noded in understanding.

“I haven’t seen you in so long, tell me, how are you doing, Kore,” Dr. Noah questioned her. She was about to form a response when he continued, which seemed to be a pattern for him these days, far from the patient man she once knew. 

“I heard about Josephine, dear, and I want to offer my sincerest condolences,” he said, grasping her hands across the table.

“Thank you,” Kore responded, mildly uncomfortable. Zayne stayed as stone faced as ever, as if this was usual behavior for the man.

“You know, your grandmother and I used to good friends back in the day, we were two of the few students picked to intern at Ever, even back in the day they were a big deal, not quite the global behemoth they are today, but it was still a very competitive prestigious internship,” Dr. Noah recounted fondly. “Your grandmother was a phenomenal researcher, one of the best I’ve ever seen, and back then she had to be, I think she was one of the first women to get an internship at Ever too.

“But you should have seen her in the lab, well you technically did when you were younger, but I don't know if you remember that, either way I was disappointed when I learned she had decided to leave the field. Josephine was one of the greats , it really was a shame to have her leave, as far as I am concerned, science lost one of its best that day.”

“Thank you for telling me that, Dr. Noah,” Kore said, tears welling up in her eyes, the reverence that he held her grandma in being clear.

Zayne glanced at his watch and pointed out the time. “We’re going to be late if we don’t get going now,” he said.

Dr. Noah turned to the clock on the wall confirming the time.

“Well gee golly, you are right, thank you my boy,” the eccentric old man exclaimed while slapping his knee, “Let us all meet back here in let’s say 20 minutes, yes?” Dr. Noah turned to Kore, “Oh you are coming with us aren’t you, Kore?”

“Um… sure,” Kore said questioningly

“Great” he said with a genuine smile, patting her on the back and leaving.

“Um Zayne,” Kore said, anxiety creeping into her voice, “what did I just sign up for.”

“Don’t worry, you will be alright. We are going to Mt. Eternal to take some measurements. Just be sure to dress warm, it gets cold out there.” Zayne said before leaving her all alone in the kitchen.

Zayne hadn’t been lying, Mt. Eternal was practically a tundra. Kore learned about SnowDogs, a robotic replication of an old fashioned sled dog that was faster than real ones and was used by tourists and locals alike. Pie had tagged along as well and was yipping with joy as the SnowDog brought the team from checkpoint to checkpoint. The pair of doctors collected measurements for who knows what, not Kore, as they went along.

“Dr. Noah, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions,” Kore said, having to shout of the wind as the sled was being pulled to a new location.

“Yes, Kore,” Dr. Noah said, an aura of professionalism had enveloped him since they had reconvined, this was yet another side different from the  friendly doctor she had known growing up.

“I was wondering if you could tell me a bit more about my heart condition, I never really understood what was wrong with me,” Kore questioned, picking the doctor’s brain.

“Well that is a bit of a complex answer. You see Protocore Syndrome is a unique disease that is still being studied, there is not a lot of literature currently available. Most of what we have on the disease comes from small sample sizes and because each case presents so differently, studies are difficult to replicate,” he answered distractedly, as they had arrived at another of the data taking points.

“Although there are different established subcategories of Protocore Syndrome, namely types A, E, and Y, there have been proposals of a few more types. I have written papers about what I believe to be a distinct type of Protocore Syndrome, type H, which is the type that I believe you have. When you were a kid Josophine authorized the scientific study of your unique condition, which was why you were always in the hospital, as she knew how important the research was, especially in the early days of the disease.”

This new information had surprised Kore, her grandma had never told her about being the subject of a scientific study. Quickly, complex emotions developed on that, Kore understood that it would’ve been important, but she couldn’t help but feel betrayed by being used as a guinea pig without her knowledge.

“Your unique subtype presents various difficulties with your heart and nervous system, difficulties that are only exacerbated under pressure, which is why I warned you against becoming a hunter. But boy did Josophine give me a talking to after I did that. She had wanted you to have the ability to live a normal life and pursue your dreams, plus she said that you were ‘too damn stubborn’ to back down from becoming a Hunter.”

Dr. Noah continued on with more medical jargon leaving Kore lost. This man was clearly a genius, but he was communicating with her as if she was a peer of his rather than some clueless patient that had no idea what he was talking about.

“You were, excuse me, are an interesting case both medically and scientifically. In fact you were one of the reasons that I stayed a doctor for years after reaching the retirement age. Sometimes I wonder how you are doing. If you were to ever give me the honor, I would love to be able to see some of your more recent medical records,” Dr Noah admitted, a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

“Umm… sure, yeah,” Kore said, stunned.

“If you would be comfortable with it Kore, I can pull up your records once we return to Dr. Noah’s house,” Zayne said. Kore was slightly taken aback that he even had remote access to her records, but Dr. Noah was beyond delighted with the news.

It was early in the evening, around dinner time, when the group returned from the mountain. The numerous layers that they had on for warmth were quickly discarded at the entryway. Ever true to his word, Zayne was quick to grab his tablet and pull up Kore’s recent medical records.

Before placing the tablet in Dr. Noah’s outstretched hand, Zayne said to him sternly, “As a former medical doctor I assume that I can trust you to only look at Kore’s files and not any other patient.”

“You have known me long enough boy to know that I would never do something like that,” Dr. Noah said with a trustworthy smile before waving the younger doctor off, “Now go and take your shower, I know the sweat bothers you. No need to suffer through it, besides Kore might want to hear some of what I have to say privately.”

Zayne looks between the two and gives them a stark nod before heading off.

“Now that we got him out of the way, we can get down to business,” the doctor joked before his eyes combed through her file. “It looks like your recent results have been changing a bit, but considering your position as a Hunter and your, uh… unique condition, that is to be expected.

“Would my unique condition have anything to do with what resides inside my heart,” Kore asked him, unsure of how much he truly knows.

“Ahh…” he said with a knowing smile, “It seems that you found out about the aether core. Am I right in assuming that?”

“Yes, I did learn about the aether core. How long were you and Grandma going to keep that from me,” Kore asked, the feeling of betrayal in her voice clear.

“It was not my decision whether or not to tell you about it. When I saw you, you were only just a kid. It was up to Josephine, your guardian, to decide to tell you what you needed to know,” he said with a sympathetic smile.

“Did Zayne even know about it?” Kore questioned accusingly

His smile dropped, a serious look overtaking his face, “No, he did not.”

“Don't you think that this would be important for, I don't know, my doctor to know about,” she said, her voice raising.

“Aether cores are considered to be top secret. I could not tell him even if I wanted to-” Dr. Noah was cut off.

“So you wanted to keep him in the dark, just like you kept me?” Kore growled.

“Look, my hands were tied, there wasn’t much I could do,” he said, attempting to pacify her. “If I was able to tell you I would, it wasn’t up to me, the same thing with Zayne. I am sorry, Kore, but there is more at play here than you know. That is all I can say on it.

“Would you like to return to your records and we can discuss it in more detail now?” he asked.

“Yeah, fine, whatever,” Kore said as she crossed her arms, clearly still upset from the whole ordeal.

“Alright, so it is important to understand a bit more about Protocore Syndrome to understand why you are such a special case. You see, Protocore Syndrome is usually caused by exposure to protocores, but that isn’t the case for you,” Dr. Noah started.

“You have a modified protocore, an aether core, inside of your body. I am not quite sure how it got there but your grandma had told me that you were attacked by wanderers during the Chronorift Catastrophe fourteen years ago. You were among the first people ever to be attacked by them, especially attacked by them and survive. Quite frankly you are lucky to be alive from that alone.

“Josephine also told me that you were saved by someone who took out the wanderers that were attacking you, which, again, is a miracle considering we had no idea how to deal with them at the time.

“With this information I have always hypothesized that when the wanderer attacking you was killed, that fractured its protocore, and somehow part of if ended up residing in your heart. I cannot be for sure how it happened as by the time I had first seen you, any external injuries from the attack had healed.”

For the first time, probably since Kore met him, Dr. Noah seemed to be uncertain about what he was saying, almost as if he knew more than he was letting on. Unsure what to make of that, Kore filed it away in her brain for later. Nonetheless, Dr Noah continued on.

“There is also an issue with your Evol. It is relatively rare for someone with Protocore Syndrome to have. But, it is seen more in those with aether cores.”

“You mean there’s more people like me?” Kore asked, intrigued for the first time.

“I only know about a handful of people, but yes there are more like you,” the doctor said reassuringly, however he was quick to walk some of his statement back, “Of course I cannot share much about them with you, and even I am not privy to such knowledge.” The doctor chuckled a little as if he was trying to make her forget his slip up.

“Well, anyways, I should probably be starting on dinner soon,” he said, changing the subject.

“Do you need any help Dr. Noah?” Kore asked, standing up.

“No, no, no. Sit back down. Besides, you are a guest here, I wouldn’t dare make you lift a finger,” he said while pulling out a large stockpot and potatoes.

“Well, what about Zayne, wasn’t he helping earlier with breakfast?”

“Oh, no, he doesn’t count. He has been here far too many times and he needs to start pulling his weight around here,” Dr. Noah said, struggling to carry the pot full of water to the stove.

“If I can’t help with dinner then what can I do,” Kore asked, getting antsy.

“My dear girl, didn’t you hear what I just said? You are a guest here,” he said before pausing, “If you insist on doing something why don’t you sit and listen to an old man’s stories? But you have to stay seated.”

Kore sighed defeatedly, but nodded in agreement. Content with her response, Dr. Noah smiled at her as he pulled out a cutting board.

“Would you like to hear some stories about your grandma?” he asked, seeing Kore’s face change to one of interest he continued, “Where to start… Ah, I know..” As he cooked, the old doctor told Kore stories about how he had met her grandmother and the antics they used to get up to.

He continued to speak, cutting vegetables haphazardly as he went, causing them to be in all different sizes and shapes. Kore wasn’t sure if he knew what he was cooking, or if he even knew how to cook. He would use the large chef’s knife that he was wielding to make wild gestures as he talked.

“... she always had a soft spot for you and Caleb, even before she adopted you when the experiment was forced to stop,” his eyes went wide as he realized what he had just said, “Whoops, sorry I can’t talk about that. I mean it’s just the ramblings of a silly old man, pay me no mind.”

Kore’s eyebrows furrowed. What the hell is he talking about? Grandma adopted us after we were orphaned during the Catastrophe. Is his memory okay? Kore thought to herself, confused and concerned. But there was already a seedling of doubt in her mind from the fact she had never told her about the aether core.

It was just then that Zayne made a reappearance. Dr. Noah sighed in relief as he walked in and the focus was shifted away from himself.

“Perfect timing, Zayne,” he said with a big smile, “Dinner is just about ready, why don’t you get out some bowls and spoons to set the table.” Zayne did what he was told. “Oh, and grab that loaf of bread over there, and some butter too, it will pair well with our soup.”

Zayne had an uncharacteristic look of horror that flashed over his face, which was missed by Kore and Dr. Noah alike. He hadn’t even thought about the doctor cooking by himself; he had been so used to helping him in the kitchen the realization that Kore wouldn’t be never crossed his mind.

Humming happily to himself, Dr. Noah ladled large servings of the soup, into each bowl. He insisted that both Zayne and her start eating right away while he returned the pot to the stove, continuing to mess around in the kitchen.

Beyond hungry from the long day, Kore eagerly started to eat. The soup, or was it a stew, was an otherworldly experience, just not in a good way. Stunned that the elder man was able to create something that was practically a non-Newtonian fluid, she wasn’t sure what to make of it.

She had no idea that something could be bland yet overwhelming. The last time she had tasted something this salty it was when she was a kid making cookies and Caleb switched the salt and the sugar. Caleb had found his prank hilarious… until he got excited about the cookies and stuffed about three in his mouth. Grandma, who had intended to punish him for the prank, found the whole thing funny and decided that he had punished himself enough. Although annoying at the time it was now a fond memory, even more so now that they were gone.

“In his old age, Dr. Noah’s taste buds have gotten dull,” Zayne whispered leaning into Kore, “don’t worry about actually eating it. If you would like, you can just pretend to so you don’t have to worry about hurting his feelings. After dinner I will clean up and make it seem like you ate the entire bowl.”

Noise radiated from the kitchen, clearly Dr. Noah was looking for something, there was a small grumble of curses before he gave up and returned to the table, clearly upset.

“Oh, there’s the bread!” he said joyously. The old man chuckled to himself and sat down. He was quick to devour his bowl of soup and did so eagerly. He even went to go and grab seconds.

“What did you guys talk about while I was away?” Zayne asked, folding his hands on the table. Kore found it to be a thinly veiled attempt to avoid eating the soup, Dr. Noah, however, paid it no mind.

“I was just telling Kore over here some stories about Josephine and our time back in school. She was quite a riot,” he said, seemingly delighted to share. “You know, come to think of it, she isn’t the only/first colleague of mine who interned with me at Ever to die recently. There was also James Higgins -”

Kore looked up at that name and her stomach dropped. “James Higgins? As in Dr. James Higgons, the professor at Linkon University studying metaflux?” she asked worriedly.

“The very same, did you know him?” Dr. Noah responded.

“No,” Kore admitted dejectedly. Zayne gave her a questioning look to which she mouthed ‘later’ to.

“Ironically enough it was a metaflux explosion that killed him,” the doctor continued, glossing right over Kore’s response. She sat quietly for the rest of dinner.

Next >

[subwaytostardew]

Did someone say Skull Cavern death? It really would be interesting to see, cause of how much more serious it is, I think Ingo would cry finding out the player nearly died. Have you guys thought of the dialogue for it, if so, could we see it?

We actually didn't start on writing anything for it until you sent this ask! This is what we settled on for their finished events!

Progress commentary and first draft for Ingo's event under the readmore!

▷ Station Steward Thylak

Along the way, we realized that the Skull Cavern death uses the same generic hospital cutscene as getting killed anywhere else (so... it shares severity with the slimes in the secret woods and bombing yourself too many times on your farm. I was bombing myself to death in my house for testing!).

This resulted in Kade and I having to revise Ingo's event to be less situation-specific quite a few times. Emmet was fine! His focused entirely on his distress at needing to take the player to the hospital in the first place.

Ingo, however... revolved more around the absurdity of the situation and Ingo tutting the player for spelunking in the Skull Cavern.

▲ Skull Cavern Death - First Draft ▲

The scene is at first a black screen – text box (non speaker indication one) 

Are you sure their cab is alright Dr. Harvey? They have not woken up yet! 

The scene then opens to the hospital, The farmer has woken up and sees Ingo nerviously talking to Harvey. Who is trying his best to settle Ingo’s anxieties. 

[Harvey] They’ll be alright, Ingo. @ just needs to rest and recover. Just like you have to yourself. I don’t know where in the valley you retrieved them from. But you're lucky to have found them. 

[Ingo] A-ah…. You see Dr. Harvey I found them by — 

Ingo at this point noticed the farmer awake. 

His voice raises in volume causing Harvey to flinch and cover his ears.   

Above Ingo’s head. YOU’RE AWAKE! 

[Ingo] ARE YOU ALRIGHT @?! I found you unconscious, collapsed on sand by the Desert! 

Above Harvey’s head – The Desert?! 

[Ingo] The creatures coming from the cave were about to cause irreparable harm to your cab! Myself and Chandelure managed to fend them off – albeit – I-I may have…. made a bit of a blunder or two trying to retrieve you while she focused on driving the creatures back into that cave….. 

Above Harvey’s head as he paces a bit upset at the farmer - of all places! 

[Ingo] You have made me greatly worried…. @. I thought I was too late to assist you. Chandelure was…. concerned as well… if we did not arrive here to this station in a timely manner…. 

I’m afraid of what the future tracks could have look like. 

[Ingo] BUT! YOU ARE ALRIGHT! AND THAT IS A RELIEF! Please! Conduct your safety checks more thoroughly. I would like to see you come back home safely! 

[Harvey] Yes @ please do. Of all places! And don’t think you’re getting away scot free from this either, Ingo! Going into such places…..  The mines outside of town are one thing. But the Desert?!?! That’s miles out of town!! 

[Ingo] Aaah….. my apologies… Dr. Harvey. 

[Harvey] *Sigh* What’s done is done….. No use having an argument over this. Rest. Recover. The both of you….. 

Now I’ll be leaving you two to do that while I go and sort out your medical records. If you need anything. Flag down myself or Maru. 

[Ingo] Thank you…. Dr. Harvey for keeping our cabs well in order and maintained. I do not know what the valley would do without your insights – even if we disagree on some aspects. 

Above Harvey’s head – Just rest.

He exits the room. 

[Farmer] I’m sorry. 

[Ingo] I am just glad that you are alive and well @. Now while we are staying here for a while…. WHAT IN DRAGONS AND ARCEUS’S NAME COMPELLED YOU TO GO TO SUCH A PLACE!?!?! 

The Farmer spends the rest of recovery… talking about their adventure in skull cavern.

*Gasp* What this? A draft?! Yup.. this is how I type out and do my event dialog and draft work. Since Thylak here has to code in the scenes, I make sure to give a visual description of what is going on, how characters are feeling etc.

So I follow a format that is

Scene text

[Character A] Dialog

[Character B] Dialog

Scene text

Any dialog that has to be above the head - As it is coded a certain way - Has to be limited in characters. (Cause too long of a dialog bubble causes issues) I note which character is saying.

When I also write out these dialog scripts I basically think of it like a comic book or an anime scene. My head is just playing movies non-stop!

Kade is great at writing scripts! They're so fun and expressive! Whenever I draft anything, it ends up being a wall of dialogue... Her descriptions remind me to add emotes or move the characters around more.

The draft also kinda showcases how Harvey as a character acts towards the twins, he is a caring individual, does he like Pokémon? He is mostly uneasy about them but that's because he knows how dangerous they can be. (and if you played PLA it ramps up the dangers of Pokémon attacks and moves) So really he tolerates their antics with Pokémon and treats them like he would everyone else in the valley..

For the most part... they agree to disagree. Submas themselves are a little stubborn and get on Harvey's nerves. They try their best to not go to the hospital mostly because they don't want to deal with each other (which is fine... more reason for them to conduct their safety checks!). With the finalized draft, I tried to show how each twin downplays their conditions and make Harvey's job more difficult. They both don't say anything about their problems... Talking is stressful enough for Emmet. Ingo talks a lot, but his concern for the player and adrenaline from the situation distracts him for the most part. They both don't want their own injuries to make Harvey sidetracked from treating the player! But... they'll get nagged in the end anyways.

Being a nag and making sure you're healthy and keeping up to date on things. He's a good Dr! (Totally not bias cause Harvey is my go to vanilla bachelor....)

Unfortunately with how the game is coded and how deaths are — (unless there is a way to code separate death events in) I had to coordinate with Thylak and revise the script, but also change the tone of it too where it is more serious. The twins don't know what happens to you, you could have gotten seriously hurt or pass out who knows. They just saw you and knew to bring you to the hospital. (Because the farmer character is completely insane for going into the mines or secret forest or carrying.. bombs of ALL THINGS!)

As far as I know, there isn't a way to seperate the deaths outside of the one in the mines (you would think that the Skull Cavern would have its own cutscene considering that it's like... the mines but worse). I tried to make the tone more serious for them but... Ingo's just kept ending up silly for some reason (poor Emmet is miserable though). We cut out a lot of lines for Ingo and Harvey nagging the farmer for their recklessness and questioning them, but figured they would catch up with each other while the farmer is unconcious (Ingo has a tendency to ramble after all...).

Also Ingo and Emmet kinda know the valley isn't really all that safe either. They just have their Pokémon with them. Which, if you seen Emmet's 4 heart event... they needed some help with the slimes.

Creatures in the valley are unpredictable cause no one knows if they are or aren't Pokémon or a completely new thing in general it's up to interpretation. (Stardew Valley is such a strange place...)

Either way, Ingo's did have to be revised.... considering Emmet is just too upset to even speak. Ingo is just a run away train with worry.

We also found out that the death scenes don't randomize between the twins... I was wondering if Emmet was just really clingy or not (it's both). There's a reason why the mod I used as reference is called "Spouses React to Player Death", you're locked into a character!

Which twin you pick is the twin you get in a playthrough (of course, you can see the other's events by divorcing one for the other but um... You could also just make a new file instead since that's a little cruel.) Since Ingo's mines death is more serious in tone than Emmet's, I suppose it balances out how the seriousness/sillyness is flipped in the hospital event (Emmet's just complaining about how he doesn't want to go to the hospital if you die in the mines...)

Also with my draft work when I send it off or share it with Thylak, he has to double check some grammer, spelling. There are sometimes even things I couldn't think up on right on the spot he puts in as well, whether it be a train term or even a tonale shift with a line change.

I try my best to make the dialogue fit! Of course... I do miss a lot of grammar and become numb to the dialogue when playtesting. ^^; So events and such do go through corrections even after recording a progress video!

Sometimes I get so caught up in storytelling I forget the game has limits... also.

But hey it's fun. I could talk about this for ages. I'm rambling again. Woops.

Thank you for reading!

[lincolndjarin]

a love letter about writing star wars fanfiction.

(aka a love letter to my eleven year old self, and to anyone who's read bks.)

this is extremely sappy, and gross, and personal.

tw : homophobia, internal & external

-

There is nothing I love as much as storytelling. 

I wrote my first story when I was eleven. It was a story about an angel and a demon who fell in love with each other and I posted it on Wattpad with a cringey title while under the pseudonym of a young genderless author, and I thought I was so cool. 

I wrote that story for some time. I remember being at my lola’s house (the only place I had access to a computer) and checking my page and seeing that I had over one hundred hits on it. 

I also remember later that night when my father called my lola and asked her to put me on the phone. I was a child and I used my father’s email for everything because I didn’t have one of my own and I didn't know any better. He called and he told me to delete my account immediately because what I was writing was extremely inappropriate. 

My story didn’t contain so much a kiss between its love interests.

I thought maybe he was upset because of a scene where one of the male characters changed shirts, or maybe it was because I was writing about the devil. 

But my father wasn’t a religious man. He’s quite the opposite actually, I distinctly remember when I was eight, I would go to church with my lola, and that Christmas I played the Virgin Mary in our pageant. 

And I looked out in the audience to find that he wasn’t there. 

Lola told me he had a cold sore. 

(My mom told me he just didn’t like church.) 

When I told him I was sorry and I didn’t know what I did wrong he told me I should write a different kind of story because the one that I was writing was bad, he told me that it was disgusting. 

The love interests in my story were both men. And at the ripe age of eleven I hated myself for what I had done. 

Over the next ten years I found different ways to tell stories. I wrote songs, I performed in musicals and I played Dungeons and Dragons. Every once and a while I would try to write but it just never worked. I would sit and stare at the notebook or the screen and I could never get further than a chapter or two because I just couldn’t stop thinking about how inappropriate it was for someone like me to be telling a story. 

I came out as queer my freshman year of highschool. 

That morning a family member (who I have since reconciled with) told me that they didn’t love me anymore. Since that day they have come to terms with who I am and I love them endlessly but I will never really get over that. I just can’t stop wondering what kind of person would tell a fourteen year old girl that they don’t love them over something they couldn't help? 

I came out as nonbinary when I was nineteen. 

That was the thing that finally destroyed any ounce of a relationship I had left with my father. 

I stopped singing, I stopped performing, and I stopped playing Dungeons and Dragons. And I just sort of hit a wall. Years of people telling me that I talk too much, that my identity was something that made me wrong, and years of people halfheartedly listening to me when I spoke finally wore me down to a point where I just wanted to be alone and silent. 

I wanted no one to look at me and I wanted no one to speak to me because I had been told since I could talk that I was a chatterbox. So I shut up and I stayed in my room. I went to work, I went home, and once a week I would hang out with the only friend that I hadn’t pushed away. (Trust me I tried, and I’m grateful everyday for how hard he fought to stay.) 

I did this for a long time, around three years. 

A little over a year ago I started taking medication for my severe social anxiety and my depression. It helped me snap out of the funk I was in and I quickly realized that my routine was about to vastly change. Evan was moving away for college and I was going to be truly alone. Sure I’d made other friends by this point but I only ever really hung out with Evan. 

So I needed something to fill that loneliness lest I succumb to it entirely.  

So I wrote a story. 

A vague story, where the characters had no names but they had big emotions. A story about a princess who fell in love with a knight but she never saw his face, and when he sacrificed himself for her he fought tooth and nail to get back to her, and thanks to his anonymity he actually managed to do it. 

At the start of May this year I started to write in earnest, for the first time in a decade. And anyone who has followed Best Kept Secret for a long time knows just how quickly those chapters were coming out. I was posting nearly three chapters a week because a decades worth of words were rushing out of me, desperate to finally see the light of day. 

When Evan went to college I wasn’t scared because I had something new to fill my time, a story. Since the day I posted that story, not a day has gone by where I haven’t written. 

Yes it is a silly piece of Mandalorian fanfiction, yes it is basically just porn for quite a bit of it, and yes it is full of spelling and grammatical errors. But it’s mine. It’s my story and it doesn’t matter if it’s dorky or terrible or anything along those lines because for the first time in a long time I don’t feel bad anymore. I don’t feel guilt or shame for the things that I say or do because I have been able to grow past that and a large part of that is because of Star Wars fanfiction. 

And I wish so badly that I could tell my eleven year old self that they are going to be okay and that she isn't wrong in any sense of the word. I wish that I could tell her that she doesn’t have to be a girl and that she can like whatever she wants to like and she can write whatever she wants to write. 

I wrote Best Kept Secret for me, and I wrote it for her. Because she loved Star Wars so fucking much, and if she knew that we found our peace in a silly story about a princess on Naboo she might finally be happy because she loved Padme so so much. 

I should probably be more sad that it’s ending but I’m really just proud of myself and I’m eternally grateful to anyone who’s reading this because if it weren’t for people reading what I was writing I don’t know if I would have carried on. I was so scared and nervous to write this story but when people liked it I was reminded of why I liked storytelling so much in the first place. 

Because it makes other people happy. 

This is already too long and too sappy but I can’t thank everyone who has supported me enough, because this silly little story of mine has unironically changed my life. I’m going to continue to write fanfiction because I love it but I’m also going to write a book. I’m going to write my first novel because this is what I love to do and I want to share it with anyone who cares, this is my favorite thing and thanks to this I have been reminded of that fact. 

So thank you, to every single person who read this mess, and thank you to every single person who read the wonderful mess that is Best Kept Secret. 

Tomorrow I am going to celebrate with my mother who I have to thank for all of this. She has supported me endlessly and she has pushed me to write and keep writing. 

Tomorrow I am going to call my lola, who sadly now lives further away, and tell her that I finished writing the story she constantly asks about.

Thank you mom, thank you Lola, thank you Evan, Tori & Carli, thank you to every single person who has ever supported my writing. 

Thank you eleven year old Ro, thank you for writing fanfiction about minecraft youtubers on your lola’s laptop.

here's a photo of the wonderful women of my family and of me writing bks in a coffee shop, curtesy of my friend tori, taking a point five.

[thescrumblingmidwife]

So I actually have a separate hymen and want to talk a little about it and ask a question.

I first started my period at 12, and that was no big deal. It was always spaced out by about 6 months. But when I started synchronized swimming and water polo, it became a problem. I had tried to use tampons, but my body just wouldn't let me. My mom kept telling me I must've been too tensed up. Finally, when I was 15, I was able to use one so I could go to a pool party.

Party ended, I got home, tried to change the tampon...

And I couldn't.

I kept trying to remove it, but it felt like it was caught on something. So my mom and I went to the ER and the lady who helped me was very kind and suggested I use sports tampons due to how they absorb and open up.

A few other instances of things feeling like they got "hooked" on something and finally feeling around, I realized there was that extra tissue there.

Even with tampons that don't unfurl like a massive block of cotton, it still hurts and takes me a few tries to remove tampons, but the problem is that I'm terrified of surgery. I know it would improve my quality of life in regards to menstruation, but I don't know how to broach the topic with family (fyi I am an adult, but still live with my parents and I am unable to drive) or my doctor.

Do you have any advice on how to bring it up and what to expect/how to not be so nervous?

Also, apologies for the long ask!

Hi Anon!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us!

I will share one with you: I also had a septate hymen, and I know exactly what you're talking about with the pain of tampon use. I lived with it for years - even managing to have sex around it, until one day it finally snapped, causing a lot of bleeding and pain. The result was a lot of scar tissue, that caused painful intercourse for years. All of which I thought was completely normal, because no one ever told me otherwise. When I finally had the procedure (called a "hymenotomy") to remove the extra tissue, it changed my life.

Because I had that experience, I can also tell you what will happen with a hymenotomy. I hope reading this will help ease your anxiety:

You'll go to the facility where your doctor performs procedures (may be a hospital, outpatient clinic, or surgical center). You'll be asked to put on a gown and sit on a gurney. They'll probably cover you in warm blankets. A nurse will give you an IV. Then, they will either wheel or walk you down to the procedure room. You'll be asked to sit on a high table, and probably to scoot your bottom close to the edge. Your doctor will be there, as well as an anesthetist and a nurse. They will put a mask over your face, and have you count back from 10. You'll get to about 8 or 7 before you get SO TIRED you fall quickly into the best sleep you've ever had. When you wake up, it will be like no time passed, and it will be done. The postprocedure discomfort is pretty mild and can be handled with Tylenol. You may have a couple of stitches, which will either dissolve on their own, or may be the kind the doctor will remove at a follow-up to check your healing. And then you'll never have to worry about snagging tampons ever again!

---

Now, Anon, how to bring it up?

Do you currently see a gynecologic healthcare provider? If not, that's where you need to start. As an adult with a vagina, you should regularly see one for well-woman care and screenings. If you need your parents' help finding one, you don't need to share any information beyond "current best practice guidelines state that I should be receiving gynecologic care and I would like to do so." You're entitled to medical confidentiality, even from parents, even from parents you live with and whose insurance you are on, and who drive you places.

Once you've gotten an appointment with a gynecologic provider, I think you'll find the topic can come up quite naturally. The provider will ask if you have any concerns you want to discuss. You will want to tell a provider about your issues with an obstruction before they perform any kind of exam - and it should be visually obvious to a provider as well. (The provider will always look before touching, and warn you every step of the way). The provider will then have a conversation with you about your options, and give you the information you need to make a decision. She should also be able to help you decide how much you need or want to explain to your parents.

I hope this was helpful to you, and maybe ameliorated a tiny bit of your anxiety. The unknown is so much scarier than the real thing!

[medig]

"This patient has volunteered for a clinical trial of a new anesthesia drug. In order to determine the level of risk of anesthesia awareness, we are going to be stimulating the volunteer while she is under, and later determine how much of it she experiences and can remember. Because it would be a violation of scientific and medical ethics to induce pain as part of this study, we will instead be using the next most intense sensation - tickling.

The volunteers for this experiment were selected based on their observed ticklishness, though the information that they would be tickled duing the experiment was not revealed. Although his patient appears sedated, there is some chance that she can hear what I am saying, and will remember it later. I will begin by tickling her feet. We will then move on to other sensitive areas, such as the abdomen, and finally, the armpits.

If she can hear me, knowledge of what is about to happen, and her inability to prevent it, is predicted to result in a sudden sense of anxiety, which possibly accounts for the increased heart rate we are currently recording. But only after she regains the ability to speak will we know for sure.

As I begin the tickling process, watch her closely for any signs of reaction.

Do not be surprised if she shows signs of sexual arousal. Several of our earlier volunteers have experienced orgasms during the experiment. The chance of this is high enough that we have started to put condoms on the male volunteers before we begin, and have the females wear period pads, to reduce the amount of cleanup that needs to be done later.

Now, as I make my way around the toes, we approach this spot marked with an ‘x’ that this particular patient reported to be especially tickling during the pre screening..

What?

Yes, Doctor, I realize this experiment may seem inhumane to some, but we are doing this to make sure no future recipient of this drug wakes up in the middle of surgery!

Now get ready to take your turns tickling, my hands are going to get tired before we are done.

Now, let's remember to talk directly to the volunteer as well, it might increase the chances of her remembering this later.

Can you you hear me? You have very ticklish little tootsie-wootsies, don't you?

Huh?

Doctor, I can assure you my interest in this matter is entirely professional! Now pay attention, I'm going to need you all to repeat this type of dialog when you take your turn, she may respond differently if she knows she's being tickled by more than one person.

Especially you, I want to make sure she knows at least one of her ticklers is female.

Still with us? Coochie coochie coo.."

[junkshop-disco]

Just posted a new chapter so what better time for a fic meme. Tagged by @magicalrocketships but idk if I have any better screen grabs than theirs.

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

38, which makes the average word count completely ridiculous.

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

1,048,397. Average word count 27,589. Brevity, I don't know her.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Downton Abbey, Fate the Winx Saga, Good Omens currently.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Honeysuckle Arch

Learning to Speak the Language of Flowers

An Equal and Opposite Reaction

Instalments

The Could in People

Whenever I look at the stats, I'm taken aback at just how skewed my sense of which fics are the most popular is. Because I would not have guessed some of these at all.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to, but I am--at heart--a deeply anxious squirrel masquerading as a person and any sort of interaction with people I don't know well can sometimes be too much for me to handle. When my anxiety is bad, I imagine that every single comment will be about how shit my writing is and what an awful person I am, so I can't read them right away, let alone reply. I have to work up to them and do a couple at a time and I always intend to reply but sometimes, weeks/months/years pass without me feeling up to it and then it feels too awkward. Right now my anxiety is much better thanks to lots of medication and some pretty hefty life changes, so I'm more able to engage with them like a vaguely normal person, but sometimes if I have a bad week, opening the comment box to reply 'thanks! Glad you liked it' makes me feel like James Bond sitting nose to nose with an armed bomb. I do hold onto comments, though. I screen grab ones that really resonated and re-read them when I feel down. They mean a great deal to me, even if I can't always say so in a timely fashion.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

It's definitely a Merlin fic, possibly Doubt Creeps In? That whole thing is pretty angsty and there's no real resolution. I wrote a few angsty endings in Merlin fic.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Idk that I've ever written truly happy ending. I've written cute endings, give-them-a-break endings, but I don't know if I'd describe any of them as happy. I don't tend to go in for them. Nothing winds me up more than an epilogue with a pasted on happy ending. I have been known to hurl a book across the room.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I haven't for a while but I used to when I wrote HP fic. My favourite ever was 'you should be flayed for writing this. I hope you die.' I still laugh when I think about it.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. All kinds? I have written the odd fade to black in my time and also the most unremitting filth in all flavours of vanilla to kinky.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I've written a handful. Back on LJ I wrote a Merlin/Twilight crossover where Edward and Merlin team up to fight evil vampire unicorns who can only be killed by virgins singing at them until they explode.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yep. Tbh I just feel sad for the people who do it. It seems like a very hollow way to do fandom.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yep. And podficced! It's always nice.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I've done a few Big Bangs and other events where I collaborated with someone and it's always one of my favourite things to do. I've also co-written some... stuff on anon, which we're not going to talk about 👀

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Can anyone pick just one? Like Hotel California, I check out but I never leave. I am still here for Mulder and Scully, Mal and Inara, Tara and Willow, Giles and Jenny, Bradley and Colin, Merlin and Gwaine, Nick and Harry and Niall, Isak and Even, Remus, Lily, Sirius and Tonks, Crowley and Aziraphale, Thomas and Richard, Ed and Stede, Farah and Saul. The ships I love never leave me and picking a favourite would make me sad.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

If I'm posting it, it will get finished. I have a couple of things languishing on my hard drive that may never see the light of day, like a Thomas in LA fic post DA2, but I can't not finish things.

16. What are your writing strengths?

A commitment to the bit? An unwavering belief there's never a bad time for banter? An unfailing devotion to poking people's bruises?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

See above.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Would attempt only in a comedy situation where getting it wrong was the point.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Firefly. The first one I posted in was HP though, rip.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Saying I'm fond of all of them would be such a cop out, wouldn't it? In truth, my favourite is usually the one I'm currently writing, so let's say Sum of the In-between Things. It's morphed so far from what I intended it to be and I have literally no idea if I can stick the landing on it, but I've genuinely had a blast writing it, and that's the point, isn't it?

Tagging: @septemberrie @myalchod and @magnolia822!

[bugbyte]

frustrated medical blabbing

Today was supposed to be an unpleasant but unavoidable thing. I had to go for a physical exam as part of the process of attempting to appeal for disability. They kept changing the date and time on me, this was supposed to get done months ago, but they set it for 9 am this morning so fuck it, let's go.

Stories about medical professionals being unpleasant under the cut. Lotsa unpleasant medical blabbing which explains why the comic will be late if I can't get my arms feeling better. 😵‍💫

Most mornings for me are slow out of necessity. It takes me a while to get moving, to feel well enough to eat something, for meds to kick in. It makes me feel awful and lazy but I've gotten better at accepting that this is what makes my body function better so I just go with it. Being nonfunctional hurts more than pushing my day around so that's what we do.

Anyway, I spent all night not sleeping well and feeling slightly worried because it's a long drive to the place, the last time I was there the building seemed non-ADA compliant and I smashed my hands trying to wheel through the doorframe, and all of that was later in the afternoon when I'd had time to be more put together. So that aspect was rough on me but not impossible.

I brought headphones because the last time I was there, there was a TV blaring the most insipid facts about "ways to deal with anxiety" and I really wanted to find the off switch and/or throw something through the screen, so instead I listened to music and didn't do that. I had to wait approximately forever to get called back and that's immediately where everything started going wrong.

The nurse was nice but immediately frustrated asking if I could stand. (For the record: I can, just not indefinitely, and prefer it to be brief in unknown circumstances like this.) Then she took my blood pressure but did something super weird with the cuff that I can't really explain because I don't understand it, and when she was done she just pulled the end without stabilizing my arm at all and ripped it off. Probably fine for most people; not fine at all for EDS joints. My shoulder was immediately on fire and I knew something was wrong. This will be like the fourth time now a medical person has injured this specific joint because they're unfamiliar with EDS and just pull on it.

So then she left, and thankfully I wasn't alone, so I explained what had just happened to my spouse (Delade) and we were both on alert.

The actual doctor comes in and is like a ten thousand year old white guy who mumbles in a way that's practically impossible to understand, and between my shoulder pain and my anxiety my brain basically shut off and had my spouse not been paying attention and asking questions I would have missed the next key thing: he muttered that he was doing an orthopedic exam, and I could say no to anything I thought I couldn't do, but the way it came out made me think that I had to do everything, and when I get stressed like that my reaction is to just do what I'm told. So I'm thankful for that.

He then barked his way through a series of basic tests about what I could bend and how far and made me get out of my wheelchair. Again, I can usually kinda manage this, but after sitting uncomfortably for so long, plus my shoulder being wrecked, I had to lean on something, and lasted about two minutes before I had to sit. During which he kindly took my chair away so if I fell I would have been flat on the floor. Great.

There were a bunch of things I had to say no to because I knew if I did them I'd be worse off, but then, because EDS is wildly unpredictable, my other arm started cramping up furiously. At this point the tests were over and he was just going through my chart being chatty and namedropping doctors he knew, and meanwhile my arm is getting more and more and more painful and I'm starting to sweat, a lot. He ignores me and starts chatting with spouse, who wants nothing to do with this either, and finally has to ask if I'm ok. I'm not.

I'm pretty sure this was another vasovagal episode because it came on fast and I was immediately shivering and drenched in sweat, completely nauseated. None of this got written down as a result of the testing, the guy had just blundered off at that point. Usually I'm able to move myself in my chair but with both arms down it wasn't happening, so Delade pushed me out and because the building isn't ADA-compliant, we had to get two nurses to help open the front doors so we could get out.

I was white knuckling it somewhere between passing out and throwing up, but getting into the outside air helped. I had to sit for a while before we could move the car. I felt somewhat better by the time we got home, but my shoulders and arms feel burnt and wrecked, like the worst lingering muscle pull combined with an angry trapezius shoving my shoulders around.

I'm just mad about the whole thing. Mad that they were so careless, mad that they didn't even know what EDS was so how could they possibly fairly judge me for it, mad that now I don't know how long it's going to take to feel better. Mad that they pushed me so hard that I was about to throw up, and then just didn't make note of that, or care. What was the point here???

Anyway, if the comic is late, I'm trying to recover physically and mentally from this. I just feel like at this point I never want another doctor I don't know to ever touch me again. Is this medical trauma? Probably???

[ajokeformur-ray]

I don't know if you've answered this, but what's your favourite thing about Arthur 💕

The noise I just made!!😭😍No one has asked me this for a long time, so I'm really excited to respond to this!!💗

My immediate answer to this is that my favourite thing about Arthur is that he's Arthur. I mean, look at this absolute sweetheart -

Arthur is so... Arthur, even right when he's in the thick of it. No matter what he goes through, he is trying.

He is holding down a job working 59 - 60 hours a week, he's regularly going to therapy, he's caring for Penny every day, he's actively working on his goal career by going to Pogo's and taking notes on what works for the audience, he's very meticulous about picking up his medications and checking the mailbox for his mum even though nothing is ever in there, he finds the time to watch Murray and keep the apartment looked after...

Arthur is trying his absolute hardest.

Not to mention the fact that he's doing all of this every single day without a break or any promise of a break even while fighting against himself.

That's, I'm... I have so much respect and admiration for Arthur, I really do. He's funny as all hell without even trying, so much so that he's actually made me laugh mid panic-attack at 3 AM when the world has me literally on my knees and I think I can't do it anymore... and then he makes me laugh. And I realise that things aren't so bad, if Arthur can do it and make it through, then so can I.

He's funny, like I said, he's kind, he's selfless, he's relentless and persistent and determined and passionate, creative and emotionally intelligent and physically beautiful, he's softly spoken and unpredictable and though he has severe anxiety, he's also able to deal with problems as and when they arise (once he's done with his anxiety, and I'm like that too - I'll get it done, but I'm gonna cry about it first).

So my favourite thing about Arthur is that, no matter what he's going through, he's trying, he keeps going, step step step step. He doesn't stop. He tries and when it doesn't work, he frowns and tries again. And again. Day after day after day. But even when he's up against it, he's still Arthur. He never stops being himself.

And that's... my favourite thing about him. Because it feels like, no matter where I am or who I am or what I'm going through, I can put Arthur up on any of my screens, and I'll know I'll find him just as he is. He's consistently himself, and I adore that about him.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go cry. I just realised all over again how much I love him.😭💗

[ladyswillmart]

WHAT I’VE BEEN UP TO

By Swilly 💖

Well, foremost, some unending medical shenanigans where one screening keeps leading to another... 💀 There’s nothing wrong with me at all, just a lot of “just in case” kind of things. Alas, this is just what you get to look forward to when you get older I guess!

Also, despite my masking and washing my hands, I got the dread lurgi Covid recently. The really sad thing about that was that I tested positive the day before I was supposed to get the new booster shot. Thankfully my symptoms were very mild (if a little weird???) but I am only now just getting my sense of smell back 100%. 🤔 And I did eventually get my shots!

Second, I’ve been working my tail off on some Ultima VII (Serpent Isle) fanfic that I ACTUALLY FINISHED! That’s right, it’s really done, not my usual brand of vaporware! Please come read it if you interested in this kind of thing: Year of the Knife. I’ll just gank the summary directly from AO3:

This is a historical slice-of-life/documentary tale, told in ten chapters (with three scenes each, plus three interludes so, 33 scenes), that follows the daily dramas of a group of misfit Ophidians shortly before the outbreak of the horrific civil war that annihilated their entire culture. More specifically it is about the Temple of Tolerance, and if it has a protagonist it is a temple acolyte named Sethys who is dearly trying to keep it together while everyone (and everything) around him seems to be falling apart at the seams. Meanwhile, despite his muddling through a welter of existential anxieties, he remains blissfully unaware of his own strange destiny...

Rated G for Gen? B for Boring? N for Nonsense? In any case it clocks in at a hefty 108k words, which means maybe I should have saved it for NaNoWriMo... 😅 If you’re unfamiliar with the source material (understandable, the game turns 30 next year 😨), there is also a substantial reference section with a summary and background information. I had a lot of fun writing it! I can’t wait to start the next one!

Also recently I discovered Placid Plastic Duck Simulator and BOY

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Chapter 17 - The Kitsune

"It is around the time of your boyfriend's match. Aren't you going to watch it?" the Fang asked, confused, as the red haired girl before him, who he knew was so close to that guy, seemed to make no move to get out of the training room - Instead, she continued to practice her moves on him. "Whether I am there to watch or not, the outcome is the same, don't you think?" she seemed nonchalant and dismissive, but deep in her heart, she was antsy and afraid - What if Cosmo pushes him so much that he uses the Advance again, and his heart gives out? "Says the one who went to watch and encourage all the people she encountered." the man scoffed, which made the girl chuckle lightly, shaking her head - He was right, of course, but what was there to be done? "I know you are right, Agito. I know. But I, too, have my duty as a fighter in the next match, and I can't go down without a fight. It matters little that I will lose. All that matters is that I don't die from Takeshi's punch, and uh... I take over the company already. And kill those two."  she explained, shrugging lightly and taking a deep breath. "You don't even want the TV on?" the man asked, but he earned another shake of her head. "It would take my mind away from training. I'll lose focus. It's fine... Let's get back at it." she muttered before going on for an attack, and this is how the next half an hour passed by so quickly, and one of those cheerleader girls came over to tell them the second fight was going to take place. "It is time." Agito spoke, throwing a towel her way so she could go take a shower and change in her fighting clothes for her match. "I see... Time flies really fast. Alright. I'll be there." raking her fingers through her hair, a sense of overwhelm took over her and she tried to take a few more deep breaths and get over her fears... But of course, a fight with Wakatsuki Takeshi was nothing to be taken lightly. Especially after she, herself, told him not to go easy on her.

Once ready, she dressed in a pair of high-waisted black pants, a simple black crop top, her haori, black, painted with red spider lilies and embroidered in the finest gold thread, and of course, the kitsune mask. Gotta make an entrance, after all. Everyone expects that big guy's fight, not a woman's. Things are going to be wild, once Sayaka calls out her name. Even her friends are completely left in the dark about this. Considering how awful the audience is with Sayaka, calling out all sorts of offensive and vulgar things to her, she can only imagine the sort of words she's going to get called.

But no matter. As long as she takes over the company, it was all going to be worth it.

Though her feet were feeling heavy and her instinct made it feel as though she was going through the freezing river, or the lake of flames, just to get on the other side of the arena... Much to her surprise, Agito was there. Though he said nothing, he patted her shoulder and gave an encouraging smile. Though she uttered no word, she shakily placed her hand on top of his, and squeezed her anxiety away. In the middle of the arena, Takeshi was waiting. Up there, on the screen, that idiot's face was there, next to Wakatsuki's, and bets were in order... And Takeshi was winning, of course.

"And from the left side of the arena enters the new fighter of the Hasashi Private Medical Network, after Tanji Yoichi retired out of unknown circumstances." as Sayaka began speaking, a loud murmur was heard throughout the arena and everyone was questioning who was the new fighter, making bets on who was going to fight against Takeshi. "For the first time in Kengan history, in this arena, coming forth - The devious Trickster who's swift and strikes from the shadows when you least expect it - With no Kengan record, for the debut match... One round of applause for the beautiful, the cunning, the sly, the mischievous Queen of the Kengan Matches ---" as soon as they heard the word 'Queen', indicating a female was going to step forward, the whole audience was flabbergast and were either gasping or yelling loudly. "THE KITSUNE, HAAAAAASAAAAASHIIIIIII KISAAARAAAAAAAAA!" as Agito wished her a good fight, she took her first step inside the sandy arena, trying her best not only to tune out the vulgar and undermining comments from the public, but also, how weird the feeling of stepping on sand was - So different from being at the beach. Every step she took, felt as if she was walking on the shared knives, and suddenly, she was reminded of the original tale of the Little Mermaid, who had to experience something similar. Hopefully, she won't turn into sea foam next. "Are you okay, Kisara?" was the first thing that Takeshi asked as the girl went a step away from him, and shook her head - Though, her mimic was hidden by her mask.  "I can feel death knocking on my door. I never realised until now how big you are... I guess, years of friendship made me forget how scary you can be." she chuckled lightly, hanging her head a bit, her hands in her pockets as she swung a bit back and forth. "If I don't hold back in this match... Will you be able to forgive me, when it is over?" he asked, holding his hand out. "Takeshi... It is you who must forgive me, for pulling you through such a difficult situation. Because of my pride and ambitions, you got caught in the middle of a family feud. And for that, I am sorry." she gently held his hand in both of her own. "At least, I will get to see how far into your training you got. You've changed a lot since the first time we met. I'm sure that, this fight, is going to be memorable -- For the both of us, as well as the Kengan history." though he offered a small smile, the girl turned her head towards the audience. "For the perverts who want to fuck me, or those who boo me for destroying the kengan matches?" she sneered, annoyed at the people up there. "Look the other way." in that instant, she looked in the direction Takeshi showed - And she saw many of the fighters she befriended, cheering for her. "Those who matter cheer for you... And there is a handful who want the underdog to win. Don't get discouraged." as he said that, Raian's voice called out loudly, making the public shut up. "FUCK THESE SHITHEADS, BABE! GO WIN THAT FIGHT! YOO-- THAT'S MY WIFE THERE, YA?! YOU DON'T FUCK WITH THE KURE CLAN AND YOU DON'T FUCK WITH MY BABE, GOT THAT!" the comment was enough for Kisara to burst into laughter and take out her mask, giving it to Sayaka, as she wasn't allowed something that could serve as a protection - And she smiled. With one more scan, she noticed Hatsumi giving her an approving nod of his head, and Gaolang was smiling at her. Saw Paing was yelling out encouragement for her, while the peanut gallery was chanting her name. And then, down there, where she usually stood, at the entrance of the arena, there he was - Tokita Ohma, leaning on the wall, his arms crossed and wearing a confident smile. It seemed he wasn't upset that she didn't confide in him about this match - Sometimes, you must do some things on your own - But with enough encouragement, she was brave enough to face even the most renowned Kengan Veteran with hundreds of won matches, The Wild Tiger himself -- All for her ambitions. Whether she won or not, it didn't matter, Ohma knew she was too smart to get herself into a losing situation, so whatever the case may be, he was going to cheer for her and be by her side, just as she always was for him. "And the fighters are facing off!" Sayaka screamed into the microphone, from her commenting booth. "They've got a height difference of 30 cm and a weight difference of a whole 140 KG!" hearing those stats, most people shuddered. "Julius was both taller and heavier than Wakatsuki, yet he still lost! These two look as far apart as the whole Empire States Building next to a pomeranian!" Jerry Tyson gasped dramatically.

"Are you ready, Kisara?" Takeshi asked, taking a step back. "As ready as I'll ever be... Takeshi." with a solemn nod of her head, she, too, took a step back and after dramatically throwing her fringe back and fixing the bun she made out of her long hair, she got her hands back in her pockets, and waited for the match to begin. "Take you stances!" the referee called out. "I am no fighter. I have no stance." she spoke, remaining in a casual repause. "Suit yourselves. Ready -- FIGHT!" the man called out, and thus, Takeshi was the first to lunge forward and deliver the first blow.

'It's the end' some thought. 'She's gonna die' others gasped, watching the bull-like man charging at full speed and attempting to ram into the small, frail woman that was pathetically standing there. The momentum was catching up, and it was time to strike. Raian's face was split in half from that wide, wretched, demonic grin of his - She pulled off the same move that she used on him - But Wakatsuki, for all of his fighting experience, was not an assassin, nor was he as agile as he was. Unlike Raian, who easily landed on his feet, Takeshi was thrown into the wall behind them, breaking it. For all of his power and might, he was effortlessly sent flying. The auditorium was silent from the shock, save for some of friends, who were cheering her name loudly.

Kisara! Kisara!

"I see you've become a worthy opponent. Well done, Kisara. We are proud of you." Takeshi praised her, lunging at her from behind, only to get surprised once more, as she threw herself to the ground backwards, and rolled into his feet, making him fall to the ground with a great thud, watching with blurry eyes as Kisara nonchalantly stepped away.

"Why is she not following up? You can't give a veteran any break." Naoya asked, his arms crossed. He was impressed with her pulling those moves, yet his confusion was still great. "She can't." Ohma informed, not realising at first that more people were gathering to see the fight better. "She can't grapple. She helped me spar a little ago. She did well with normal combat, but when it came to ground fighting, she was powerless." "Well, it's not like anyone is expecting her to win, not even herself." Hatsumi made his way there too. "But, let's be honest, for a cute little thing like her to have a debut fight against that guy? Might as well be fighting The Fang. Most of the fighters in this tournament, all of them with life-time experience, would lose against him." he continued. "But my little angel has already made me proud enough as it is." he praised her, watching the flawless exchange of jabs that hit all of Takeshi's vital points.

"Whoa?! Gaolang, isn't that similar to your special move?!" Saw Paing shrieked loudly, making the Thai cringe, yet he had a proud smile on his face. "It is. I taught her that." he nodded in acknowledgement. He wasn't one to approve of most fighters, but he could commend her wish to get stronger and learn more and more, from a variety of different people. She wanted to have knowledge of everything, as well as mastery. Jack of all trades, yet master of none, he'd say, yet he was well aware that she was trained in Aikido, and that should be her main style, as she proved so well. However, she seemed to switch between styles at an abnormally fast pace. From Aiki to Boxing, and now, she was... Using the Fang's move? And something else?

Agito smirked, watching the red head aim that kick to the Tiger's thigh, making him kneel to the ground. Naoya cringed, yet his eyes were wide open - How could this girl use the Fang's move so perfectly well? A normal person couldn't possibly do something of that magnitude. He, better than anyone, knew how painful that blow was, feeling akin to a machete being stuck in his leg. Still, Kisara leapt on his knee and used her elbows to hit hard on her opponent's head, and followed with a powerful blow to the temple.

Wakatsuki was on the ground.

Ohma felt smug - He never imagined that Kisara would use Karla's idea of using his thigh to alleviate her height and aim a nice hit, yet it was incredibly smart and inventive, considering their height and frame. Though, considering Karla was a Kure, she held strength around the level of Raian.

The crowd was shouting for the Wild Tiger to get up and fight, to stop playing around - But they didn't understand how well aimed and thought every hit was. It was a strategy planned ahead, no doubt with the help of his rival Hatsumi. She was playing with his mind, as well as going for his weak spots.

But that was her biggest problem. Yes, she was able to get Takeshi on the ground twice... But from here on, what is she supposed to do? Even with the best aimed hit, she can't knock him out, and she can't grapple, nor wrestle. Attempting the mounting move that Cosmo uses would just get her ribs crushed, or just simply getting thrown off. She really needs to up her mid-game skills.

Once Wakatsuki got up, he ran into her close area circle, and engaged in a barrage of jabs and lefts and rights - Kisara knew he was going to use his Core Blast, so when he 'charged' that fist backwards, she flexed her arm tightly, only sliding backwards a bit. Ohma's move worked once, yes... But her arm was in agony. If she were to take another hit like this, she wouldn't end up well. She had to use her evasive skill... That was supposed to be a trump card. It probably won't be used a second time either, because Wakatsuki knows of it, more or less. She played the surprise game better than everyone else... But once the element of surprise disappears, what is she left with? There was only so much Raian's combat training can get her, and Hatsumi's Aikido uses the enemy's strength against them... But if the enemy doesn't use any bit of strength, what is she left with?

Wakatsuki took a step back, and got in another stance, making the girl mimic him - Whilst he had his fists, one over the other, to work with his strength, Kisara had her hands open, showing her softness. It was a clear Karate vs Aiki fight, yet neither moved an inch at first, only observing the other. It was then that Kisara's foot slid forward, and noticing her opponent inching forwards, she lunged at him, and with her move, she redirected his own move against him, making him fly backwards. "To think you'd fall so far away. As expected of the Wild Tiger. There's no one else with such incredible strength." Kisara breathed in amusement. With each move she pulled off, she was proud of how far she's gotten. Even the cheers from the auditorium fell deaf on her ears, as well as Sayaka's commentary, and her focus was entirely on Takeshi.

She maintained no stance, and awaited Takeshi to lunge at her - He threw a hundred thousand hits her way - Yet she remained unmoved. They were all fakes, she noticed. Hatsumi has already taught her how to easily differentiate a faux for a real punch - And she grabbed his shin as soon as he threw a real kick her way, making him lose balance - He must have been used to getting caught of guard in that position, as he ended up twisting and ending on his feet - She didn't expect that kind of flexibility from him. Raian was wrong. As he aimed a left hit uppercut, Kisara side-stepped, grabbed at his shoulders and head-butted him. The karate-ka tried to aim a hand-chop at her head, but it stopped before it could connect. Kisara has used her toe to stub at his foot, immobilising him temporarily. Hatsumi had shown her the weirdest tricks that she never imagined she would use in this life. Lucky her. Still, that didn't last long, and Takeshi tried to kick at her again, only to have his whole body seeing the sky again as the girl rolled him over by using her own hand to roll at the back of his ankle, following up with a kick to his chin.

Raian couldn't stop his manic cackling - He was enjoying this fight much more than he expected. He had his fun with her for a whole night, he witnessed and felt first hand her main tactics, reflecting the enemy's strength back, with the user's strength added. Even if she had null strength, the fact that Wakatsuki was such a power house really worked in her favour - The greater the attack, the greater the force that is reflected back. The problem was, that a veteran can't be fooled forever.

"I have analysed all your attacks, Kisara. I have realised your strategy. If I attack at a level of 10, you will counter with a level of 10 plus your own strength. But what would you do if I were no longer an opponent? I'm not going to attack anymore." Kisara held her hands in her pockets, watching as Takeshi kept standing tall. She chuckled, stepping around him. b she grinned leisurely. "As a result, there will be no fight! I have no company to shame by spending the whole match waiting and doing nothing - But you do! You know, if there is no victory, there is also no defeat. What an idyllic world we live in!" though she spoke, Wakatsuki had no other word to usher. "... However, I suppose this is still a match, in the end. You're trying to come up with a battle of stubbornness. I guess you can say I'm proud that I could make the great Wild Tiger come up with such an impertinent strategy, against some weak, inexperienced opponent such as myself. Truly, I'm flattered!" she continued. "Your techniques and mine - I'm far too young to say it doesn't matter whose are superior, or that strength doesn't matter." as soon as she found herself behind her best friend, she sprinted at great speed, hoping to reach his spinal cord, even going as far as to get her haori over her elbows, to spin around and engulf his face, cutting off his sight for a little while -

Before she could incapacitate him, however, Kisara felt a pressure in her stomach, strong enough to send her flying a crazy length, and she stumbled over the sand, rolling pitifully on the ground. No amount of damage that she chipped from the man felt equal to this single punch that connected. She had gasped like a fish on the land, trying desperately to get her air back in her lungs. Her hair tie had broken, and her hair cascaded almost gracefully in scarlet waves over her body. Wakatsuki punched her with a Buddha-like fist. It was a true seiken punch.

'It's over' even the peanut gallery said, watching the girl pitifully groveling on the ground, as the Wild Tiger now approached her, to deliver the final blow. As soon as he stepped by her side, however, Kisara instantly shot to her feet, leisurely catching his wrist and throwing him away, sending him off with a temple punch also, watching him slam his head into the ground. The girl was panting with exhaustion already, many minutes having passed indefinitely. 

"How come they both look so tired? It hasn't been that long?" Naoya asked, recalling all of his life-time fights. "With her small frame, it takes a lot of energy for Kisara to pull off all these stunts. Look at Wakatsuki.  That guy weights the same as he is tall. Kisara is almost a quarter his weight. She won't last much longer." Hatsumi explained, a grim expression on his face. He recalled his challenging fight against a prime-power Wakatsuki. Kisara has proven herself already, against this powerhouse of a man.

With both opponents standing, both taking their stances, Kisara slowly, but steadily inched forwards towards the Tiger Karate-ka. Once their toes were touching each other, Wakatsuki readied his fist to punch Kisara's face - She managed to dodge, and with her cleavage, shoulder and arm, she was able to redirect his blow, making him stumble before he was punched down into the ground once more.

"Are you done playing around? You should know, with my built, I don't feel as much pain as you would from the impact. But this ends now. Forgive me Kisara." before she knew it, Wakatsuki was standing up, and she was all the way across the arena, having been sent flying painfully hard. "You fought well, Kisara. Better than many men who dedicated their lives to fighting. Hatsumi taught you well. You should be proud of how far you got." he spoke, walking menacingly towards the girl, who was stumbling and holding at her head, her whole world spinning painfully. "You once told me you hated spinning. You panic. You must be feeling a lot of anxiety right now. Forgive me, best friend." he said, ready to strike and finish this, only to find himself stumbling forward as Kisara threw herself at his feet to trip him once more - In detriment of her feeling the vertigo twisting even faster.

The people around were yelling at her to get up already and fight - That's why they were there, right? To watch people almost kill themselves with their fists. Kisara was barely able to turn and flex her arm to receive another core blast, but just as Ohma suspected, she couldn't take a second hit. She felt broken, barely able to get up and stand. Ohma could see her clutching at her arms and hands - She must be hurting dearly. Her eyes seemed glassy also. Was she crying? She might have been.

Even in that vertigo state, however, Lihito recognised the flow of the fight battle that he himself had with Ohma. No wonder she kept saying she was already dating someone - She had been taught by Tokita himself how to slap her palms over the enemy's. The blond watched as the woman stumbled about, keeping the karate-ka at bay, unable to move further - And if he tried, she'd easily evade his move and counter - And she even clinged to his wrist, stomping her foot flushed against his own, pushing onto it and making him stumble. It was the already pained, damaged ankle that he had complained to her about. That was one of the techniques that Niko taught to Ohma when he was still very little - And it was also one of the very things that Ohma himself taught Kisara. To think that she would actually use it, he was amused. It worked, for a little while at least, and with whatever energy she still had, she used his thigh once more to do the Karla-grappling technique, this time, more accurate, and with her leg over the back of his neck, she pulled herself up, grabbed a fistful of his hair, and jumped behind him, grabbing him down with her also.

It didn't amount to much, but Wakatsuki had already grown tired of all this mess - Kisara had brought him to the edge of his patience, and the match has long since been a real once, in the Kengan organisation, against a worthy opponent which he had to completely destroy. Normally, he had a limit to the amount of times he could use the Blast Core, before he was completely depleted of all his power - But Kisara earned the third strike. She had lunged at him and tried to hit him at the same time as he tried to use the Blast Core at him - Hatsumi laughed, watching her pull off her favourite move, the one where she evaded the hit so fast that it looked as though she had disappeared for a single blink of an eye. Smart, using it to avoid getting hit by Wakatsuki by his most powerful hit yet - However, although she evaded his monstrous hit, she got hit with another. This time, it took more out of her to get the hell up already. 

Kisara saw spots in front of her, her vision going to shit. She was clutching her head, and her arms were trembling, trying to get up from the ground, yet falling down once more. She tried again - It was more difficult than any plank exercise she had every tried before. Once she was finally on her feet, she was hoping her head spinning would stop already. She was stumbling whilst standing - One of her knees was hurting to bad that it was giving out already. Her knees have never been her strongest forte, nor will they ever be in the future, especially now, after a proper fight with Wakatsuki. Her body was giving out, and she knew, should she fall, she wouldn't get up again.

With whatever strength her body mustered, she got up, exhibiting the very same psychopathic, monstrous wretched grin that Agito had in his fight against Naoya - Naoya, whose body cringed, watching it the girl get in a low stance and leap up at Wakatsuki. "Kano?!" he gasped, his mind going black for a split second - Just enough for the girl to grab at his wrists and pull him forward, aiming for a barrage of hits at his vitals - When he was too busy blocking her hits, she side-stepped and tripped him, making him stumble backwards. How dare she use the same tricks that his greatest enemy did? The Tiger was as rabid as the fox he was facing, but far more dangerous and angry.

Kisara lunged towards a running Wakatsuki - His face looked almost demonic, desperate, just like in his fight against Julius. He was going to use everything he had, on this last punch. He was ready to hit his final punch, knock the girl out, but just as they got in each other's territory - He stopped before his fist touched her face. Takeshi smiled tenderly at the woman standing before him. Blood was slowly trailing down her chin, and her body already highlighted the areas where bruised would form. "You were a better opponent than most, Kisara." he said, stepping away from her and bent down to grab her lost haori, before he wrapped it around her unconscious body. People stared in awe at the woman who remained stunned in a fighting stance, yet most were unfamiliar with the fact that there were many warriors who would fight until the very second their bodies gave out - And perhaps even father on, when their brains were resting.

Takeshi picked the girl up and gazed on her sleeping face - Even like this, sweating and exhausted, she looked adorable - And he walked out of the arena as soon as he was declared the winner. Once she passed the many friends of hers, she hear her feminine voice, calling out softly. "Senpai... Did I do good?" he wasn't even sure if she was awake or not. Hatsumi reached his hand out to pat her head. "You made everyone proud, Kisara. Well done." more than anyone, even Ohma, the Aikido Master knew how much his little red head apprentice valued and needed praises. That small smile that formed on her face was enough proof. Though Ohma tried to take her in his arms, Takeshi walked right past, making the man scoff. "She's MY best friend. I was the one who fought her. I will be the one to take her to the infirmary." Wakatsuki was almost territorial, walking the young woman to the medic, and placing her on her own bed.

Though not everyone could stay there, watching over Kisara, as the next match was going to start. Hatsumi was leaning on a wall, thanking the girl for exploiting the Tiger's weakness of the ankle, and him himself thinking of how to take advantage of it, should they have to fight again. He already defeated Wakatsuki once - What's one more?  Hanafusa bandaged the woman's wrists and put her up to an I.V., but there wasn't much he could do, except have her rest. Once she woke up, there were only one person there - Her lover.

"Someone once told me that Sleeping Beauty woke up after getting a kiss." he chuckled, holding her hand. "It was me. I'm still waiting for that kiss." her voice was tired, but ultimately, with some help, she was able to sit up. Ohma cupped her face, doing exactly as he was told. "Quite the show you put up. Care to tell me what that was all about?" taking her hand in his own, he leaned to kiss it also. "Aha... I promised to explain what happened while you were out cold yes? Well..." Kisara sighed, a sheepish expression painting her face. "Just before you woke up, one of the CEOs threatened Katahara with a terrorism act. Basically, a coup d'etat happened. My parents were involved in it. Also... Their fighter violently hit on me, and Raian saved me. Because I rejected him, he dropped out of the competition. I made a deal with a Chairman and my parents, that they would have to write my name in the will, to pass the company to me once they die... If I participate and survive the fight that Tanji was supposed to be in. I was able to befriend and convince both Raian and Agito to train with me, for a day and a half, hence why I was able to do many of these things that I did today. So, uhm... I'm going to become the CEO today." she chuckled wryly, watching with shy eyes the expression on his face. "But your parents aren't dead." her grin widened, making him realise the implication. "You're going to kill them." "I asked you if you would hate me... I can go through anything in life, but if you hate me, I... I don't want to live in a world where you'd hate me, Ohma." the man scoffed, leaning down to place a kiss on her hand. "I'm not an angel, Hasashi Kisara. I have no right to judge you. Whether you go through with it or not, it's your choice." as if on cue, a bodyguard entered the hospital wing. Kisara recognised him as one of the special ops that worked directly under Sayaka's brother, Retsudo. "Ahhhh, there we have her, the champion herself! Katahara asked me to fetch you to his office. You're in for a nice gift, Miss Ceo~!" the blond man sniggered cheekily, watching the red head smirk lightly. "Well, here's my cue. Wait for me, Ohma. I'll be back before you know it." with a kiss on his forehead, Kisara hopped off the bed - Though she wobbled slightly, she easily found her balance and followed Misasa to the Chairman's office. Agito was already there, and he seemed to have fought someone already - By the looks of it, the man that she once saw as a personal bodyguard of Katahara was beaten up big time.

Her parents were already there, kneeling to the ground. Erio Kure was next to his friend, Katahara. Kisara's hand instinctively found its way placed over the hilt of her katana, and she drew it. "Misasa called me - Miss CEO. I kinda like the sound of it." she smirked at the Chairman, who chuckled very amused. "Erio, what do you say? I think Miss Kisara gave a wonderful performance!" the other old man nodded at his friend. "For a civilian, she did well against Wakatsuki." the Kure patriarch agreed. "Can I get my revenge now?" Kisara stretched lightly, feeling her joints aching after the beat down. "Ever so eager and down to business, Miss Kisara! I quite like that!" Katahara laughed more. "I have already taken the liberty of... Persuading your parents uphold their end of the deal. Dear Agito was ever so eager to help you out with your ambition. He seemed satisfied with your match." Agito said nothing, yet what his boss said, he was in agreement with. He didn't expect her to take to heart all his lessons, but she performed so well.  From the ground, her parents were crying and screaming mercy. They wanted to be spared from their ultimate fate. Kisara, however, walked behind them, a triumphant smirk on her face. "Empieza el Matriarcado." the red head spoke, swinging her blade down, as if she was the grim reaper, deaf to her parents' screams, pleas or curses. She watched her father's head roll down on Katahara's carpet, blood splashing about like an artisan fountain. The last victim was her mother, who ended up meeting the same fate as the father. Kisara looked down at the collapsed bodies. She felt nothing. No satisfaction, no victory, no... Nothing. With a sigh, she wiped the blood off her blade over her elbow and stepped over the corpses, in front of Katahara. "So, am I now officially the CEO of the Hasashi Corp?" "Yep!" so jovially, Metsudo confirmed. "That's all! Enjoy being a corporation owner! Now, off you go, pip pip, there are enough matches to see, and I'm sure Agito would love your encouragement!" the old man clapped his hands together, though everyone present seemed confused by his words. "Well... I suppose I should thank you for sorting everything out for me. Uh... Assassination has never been easier. Thanks." though she awkwardly scratched the back of her hair, she ultimately exited the room.

By the time she was done with the succession war, Mikazuchi Rei had already lost against the great Kuroki Gensai, and it was now Hatsumi's fight against the Fang himself. It was going to be a great fight.  As Kisara went to give her encouragements for her master, he was walking towards the arena with Ohma by his side. With a cheerful grin, he slung his arm around the girl's shoulders, pushing Tokita away, and getting her for a swift training session - Just like they would do, on top of the mountain. He was down to business and needed to train his speed. Even when exhausted and beaten up, Kisara was the fastest opponent Hatsumi encountered. He needn't say any word to guide her in this training - She knew very well exactly what to do. Little by little, Kisara started moving faster, until finally, her Senpai was able to get in the right form to perform the evasive maneuver that she loved so much, to the point that it looked as though her hits were simply moving through him. Kisara has used that trick once - Would it work on Agito also?

"A'ight, thanks angel, you got me into top gear. Now I can beat up your new friend." he chuckled, patting her head. "Hatsumi Senpai is the best fighter here! I'm sure, whatever the outcome, the fight will be fantastic. Do your best, Senpai!" with such a cheerful encouraging, how could he not melt? Especially after seeing her do her best against Wakatsuki, of all people. "Of cooourse, of course, Princess! Now, off you go to that boyfriend of yourself. The big guys are gonna have a little fight." he turned around, seeing the Fang walk menacingly towards the middle of the arena. "Oh - Agito, hi again! Good luck!" Hatsumi blanched, seeing his own apprentice also wish well to his own enemy, and with such a sweet smile too. He hung his head, watching as she left for her boyfriend, who was telling Yamashita Kazuo about his old master, Tokita Niko, and how much Hatsumi reminded him of this guy... But Kisara also had the unfortunate skill of doing the very same thing, from time to time.

Hatsumi looked that guy up and down, and seeing all the damage from the second round all healed up, he cursed Gaolang for his inaptitude of at least injuring him properly. For a world champion, he didn't make his job any easier. He watched Kano crack his knuckles as the ref had them take their stances. 

Agito took an upright stance - Something that he used to do a lot when he was younger and had just inherited his title of Fang - All while Hatsumi walked towards him as if he was taking a stroll. As soon as the Aikido master got close to Agito, he was met with a left low kick that made a halberd-like sigh on the ground that it split. The Fang watched Kisara fight, and more, for a whole day, he had trained her - Hasashi Kisara, the one who trained for four years under the tutelage of Hatsumi Sen and his own Aikido style. There was bound to be enough common techniques - And he was ready for them all - And thus, he surprised Sen with a left middle kick of the same effect, hitting his arm, then switched to a straight jab that got him in the forearm, close to his wrist. He was blown backwards by the impact.

Agito's third blow was a right low kick that got his enemy on the knee - But what had brought about this sudden change? His fighting style was all different from the first two rounds, and even what he did as he trained Kisara. Was that fight he just had a turning point? A revelation, maybe? Though Agito now delivered a heavy round house kick as soon as Hatsumi's guard dropped - He had evaded him. That shit-eating smug grin of his, wretched and wicked, made the Fang realise that the master was a much of a trickster as the student was. Kisara once told him - If a Kitsune has seven tricks up her sleeve, a Tanuki has eight. Given her chosen stage name, she was one with the clear disadvantage. So, Sen was a Tanuki. Should have expected something of this magnitude. "Come on, you could at least let me counter-attack. Well...  Alright. I'll just have to land one next time." his tone seemed ominous, as he stood up straight, unlike his head which was tilted to the side, as if mimicking Michael Myers himself.

"Hatsumi was a nominee to become the next Fang, when he was just 28 years old." Kisara told Ohma and Kazuo, who seemed surprised. "He gave up quickly on the idea though. Far too much boring, repetitive work... And too many expectations. For a fleeting guy like him... He can't stick to anything too long. He got bored after a week." Kisara smiled lightly. "That's my Senpai." "Miss Kisara, you were able to do this technique yourself. Would you tell us the basic of it?" the old CEO asked, fixing his glasses. "It's simple, in theory, but you need a lot of momentum and speed. The basis of it is that you shift your knee to evade the attack, using as little movement as possible. Your axis line isn't supposed to move, so it looks as if your whole body is still." she explained. "But that doesn't matter now. Agito changed his fighting style. Instead of starting a match by attempting to beat the opponent at their own game, he started with his own Fang style, with which he debuted, meaning that Hatsumi needs to change his tactics and force Agito to play by his rules." thus, Hatsumi sprinted like a lightning bolt towards his enemy and easily evaded a kick to his face by crouching to the side, landing his first blow at Agito's side. "Using the same technique, and perfect calculations of the distances, he dodged whilst making Agito believe his hit landed. He was able to get into his kicking range, which means he's going to attempt to go for the elbow joints. I tried that on Agito myself, hoping to attempt that on my match against Wakatsuki. It didn't work with my strength, so I stopped trying. But Hatsumi is a man, and he's far stronger than me. He might pull it off." as if she could read her senpai's mind, he did, word by word and step by step, exactly as the girl expected, getting the Fang into a tight Elbow Hold. "Ohhh! That was a perfect Diagonal Straight blow! This is practically checkmate - It's only a matter of time before he breaks his joint! If he tries to escape, he'll be attacked while he's defenseless. Not even the Fang could come out unscathed after being attacked somewhere he can't harden, like that technique he used, similar to Ohma's. He can't redirect the impact of a blow from that posture either." Yamashita gasped, awestruck at the miracle happening before him. "Knowing The Fang, he won't get down so easily." Ohma muttered, watching attentively the match. "Based on that face of his, Hatsumi has a follow up plan to this. He's expecting Agito to get out. He's baiting him." Kisara smirked confidently, watching Agito throw a round-house kick from that extraordinarily awkward and painful position, only to get hit with Hatsumi Sen's ultimate technique, the Gathering Clouds: Triple Strike. A technique that strikes the three vital points on the opponent's face in rapid succession. 

But it had failed, and Hatsumi found himself staring in complete horror at his fucked up finger, whilst the Fang was unharmed. Never once has Kisara seen anyone being able to counter that Power move, nor was she able to pin down what exactly did Agito do. Her Senpai seemed to be in trouble, as he leapt back, trying to create some distance, only for his enemy to close the distance with fantastic speed and strength, landing a blow towards his temple, that ultimately hit his eye also. 

"... Did Agito just use Muay Thai?!" Kisara's jaw was to the floor, seeing her new friend using the 'Elbow meant to defeat' technique that she was briefly shown by Gaolang at some point. Had Agito become the Renaissance Man, and could now perform any fighting style at any given time, and switch between them at his leisure? 

He didn't follow up with the same style, instead opting for another powerful middle kick, outright destroying Sen's forearm. Agito seemed to think more during this match. He wasn't so linear anymore. Instead, his tactics seemed to have evolved greatly. Even with Hatsumi in peak condition, Agito was outright humiliating him. Kisara's hands were holding each other almost painfully - Though she knew Hatsumi still had a secret technique up his sleeve, she didn't believe he would defeat this iteration of the Fang.

Gosh, how he hated himself. Hatsumi truly hated himself so badly. Even with these four years inspired by his cute little angel, he couldn't stop himself from being so pathetic. He put her up on a pedestal, praising her, congratulating her for even the littlest of tasks - And though she did the same to him, he couldn't change. She was, in terms of mental condition, everything he strived for but could never be. Ultimately, Hatsumi Sen will forever be the greatest loser, in his eyes more than anyone else's.

He had his sights set on this day. He even put in some effort, which wasn't his gist at all - But it was fine! He'd do anything to take down that son of a bitch. He entered the tournament 100% sure that he could beat him down and win - So it would be pretty pathetic if he were to lose now, especially when his cute apprentice was watching, right? He couldn't fail, especially in such a humiliating manner, after that fantastic show she put on display for everyone. 

Crouching and evading another punch, Hatsumi slammed his palm into Agito's chin as his other hand was on his waist and one of his feet was throwing him off balance, while with the other he was keeping himself steady - His special, secret technique was successful!

"WH-WHAT DID HE JUST DO?! HE CAN'T HAVE DONE THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH A BLOW FROM THAT CLOSE RANGE!" Yamashita shrieked in disbelief, whilst Ohma could only stare with wide eyes as Hatsumi failed. "That's... The technique I used against Takeshi to make him fall to the ground, though you can't compare the strength output of the two of us. From the looks of it, Hatsumi must have felt his body being ran through by a spear." Kisara had a sad smile on her face, though she was very proud of her senpai. "Hatsumi thought me about initiative in a fight... To think he would be defeated by counter-initiative... It's almost ironic." she shook her head., watching as Agito attempted to elbow him unconscious - With his last bit of strength, Hatsumi pushed forward, catching him off balance, forcing him to give up on the elbow hit, in detriment for a shirt grab. But he's got Agito by the hips, thus, easily detecting the change in his center of gravity and respond immediately. "That's a smart move. He's not going down without a fight." Ohma nodded in approval of her Senpai, explaining the reason behind his posture. "We might have a bit of a deadlock, 'cause now Kano Agito's gotta be careful how he moves." "And considering how big he is, any twitch is going to be even easier to detect." Kisara added to his statement. Hatsumi felt the perfect moment to strike - And as soon as he's done it... Agito countered with the One Inch Punch that speared through him once more, going further for a follow up. 

Hatsumi hoped, with the distance, that he would be able to deflect whatever hit gets thrown his way, but it took a kick to his elbow to throw him off guard, and another to the head, to make him fall to the ground, unconscious. As soon as Agito was declared the winner of the match, and though her body was still aching, Kisara ran to their side, gathering Hatsumi up from the ground, and holding him in her lap. "Agito - You've evolved beautifully. It was your best match, if you ask me. You can only go upwards from here. Well done." she smiled sweetly at him, though he could only stare in confusion at her. "I almost killed your master. You should be angry at me." he noted simply. "He, as well as everyone else, entered the tournament, knowing very well the kind of people to be encountered. I'm not angry at you, nor do I have a reason to be. You just showed me a fantastic match... And... I hope you'll agree to training me again some day." that serene, sunshine smile of hers bewildered the Fang even more, yet he only grunted as a reply, watching as she carefully brushed away the man's hair from his face. He wasn't her partner - Just a master - So why was she caring for him? Was he missing something? Was there something he didn't understand, out of every encounter she had with all the fighters around? Was there something more to these 'friendships' that she created? "Fa Jin." the man nodded at her, only to see her smiling even more happily at him as he revealed the proper name for the technique that put an end to it all. He had taught her the easier variation of it, what he had used as a kick to take Naoya down, but this was far more complicated to pull off properly, especially for a little one like her. A master like Kano could launch a high-power one inch punch at point-blank range and kill a man in one blow. It was lucky that Hatsumi subconsciously diverted the impact. Once Agito walked away, out of the Arena, Kisara was startled by Hatsumi. "Shit, I lost in front of an angel. How pathetic." the medics moved him away, though she was holding his wrist gingerly.  "Well, the angel also lost. Let's be pathetic together, okay, Senpai?" that crystalline, easy-going giggle of her only made him feel worse. It was him who taught her how to throw away all worries in the world - Why couldn't he truly do the same, but only mask it with that stupid, dumb facade of his? "SEN! STAY WITH US, HATSUMI! DR. HANAFUSA'S ON HIS WAY!" Miss Shion cried out in shock, terrified for his life. "I just wanna smoke." without another word, Kisara looked at Shion, who handed him a lit cigarette, though dared not speak. "This ain't gonna kill me. I just need a little rest, that's all." the red head took out a handkerchief, and holding his face carefully, started wiping away at the blood caking his face. Shion, too, knelt by his side and tried to care for him. "Gah, how humiliating. Good grief." he puffed from his cigarette, his heart shattered, as well as all of his hopes. He then felt his messy hair being ruffled, and he looked down at that tender smile - Yet he couldn't reciprocate. "Stop being so upset over what happened. You're alive and that's all that matters. You know what Gaolang said after his fight? There's only going upwards from here. Isn't that right, Hatsumi SENpai?" he tsk'ed, looking away. How could she give him advice from other men?! How annoying. "I know your fighter pride is wounded, but I'd rather have my senpai alive, and defeated, than with his skull cracked open. I have been once at the funeral of my best friend. We were 23... About the time that I have met you. Remember? I never told you this - But, I mean it. I don't want to see any of my friends laying down in a coffin ever again. There are far more important things in life than a defeat. At the end of the day, this is a tournament, and every fighter here, expect for one, will experience defeat. The fact that one of them was you changes nothing."  she threw her arms around the man's throbbing body, as he stiffened hearing her words. He had never heard of this friend of hers, nor the funeral. He didn't want to imagine the sight of a friend in a coffin, nor them being lowered into the ground. Her words held truth, yes... But at least, at the moment, he was going to grovel and wallow in self-hatred at how disgustingly pitiful he is. "Hey, Hatsumi." she pulled apart slightly, making him look into her eyes. They were such a beautiful shade of green. And they held life. Vitality. Energy. Damn, that Substitute prick has no idea what a lucky man he is. "We did our best. Both of us. Okay? Though we lost, I'm not giving up on myself, nor on you... So... Don't give up on me or yourself, okay? In fact - Let's be pathetic together!" Hatsumi's exhausted eyes shot wide open, and his mouth agape - The cigarette fell from his mouth, making Shion reach out to take it so it wouldn't burn his fighting clothes. She had told him the very same words that he himself spoke to her once he saved her from that gang of thugs in the alley, when he agreed to train her. With a chuckle, he reached out his hand to pat her head, mimicking her. "Yeah. Let's." 

Though the day had quite the start to it, it was bound to change, for better or for worse. As Kisara saw Hatsumi to his infirmary room, she went to take a quick shower and change back into her normal clothes. In her search for Ohma, she picked her brush from her room and started brushing her hair throughout the made-like corridors of the dome, in search for the very man himself - Only for some kind of dark whirlwind of fantastic speed to capture her and drag her to hell knew what spot outside. It was Kiryu Setsuna.

Lucky for Kisara, Kushida Rin had witnessed the kidnapping and ran all the way to the Yamashita fighter and panted as she warned the strong man. "Kushida Rin. What's the hurry?" he asked, looking down at her exhausted form.  "It's Kisara, she's in trouble?" her name alone was enough to make the brunet freeze with worry - Though he knew Kisara could take care of herself, especially highlighted after the match against his future opponent, he didn't want to risk.  "What's wrong with Hasashi Kisara?" he asked quickly. "If we don't do something quick, Kisara will be killed!" the fatalistic urgency put the man on edge, and he shot like a bullet to rescue his lover.

One hour remained until the semifinals begin.

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[mjcwrites]

Thoughts for this morning:

For the last few weeks I have noticed that the normally-manageable anxiety that I carry from day to day has grown increasingly heavy. Part of this could be my lack of remembering to take my medication 3 times a day, but that is not fully to blame. A year ago this week, on the 12th/13th of December, something happened in my life that has left a deeply permanent scar. Someone I had grown an immense love for unexpectedly betrayed my trust. Without going too into detail, what happened still haunts me to this day… a year later.

I had been seeing someone very consistently who had given me undivided attention every single day for months. We spent nights and days together, growing a friendship that I prayed would become more. The way they treated me was consistent with the desire for a relationship. It all changed in one drunken night. Although they admitted to the mistake, and apologized profusely, what’s done is done and there was no taking it back. For months on end it gave me vivid nightmares, irreversible trust issues, and drove my motivation 6-feet-under. The healing process has been one of the hardest experiences I have had to go through and I would not wish it on anyone.

Today, a Thursday, I woke up feeling the hurt that I anticipated this week to bring. I could feel it coming as soon as December 1st flashed on my phone screen. I was scheduled to have 2 classes, but decided that it was best to take a mental health day. I am extremely blessed to attend a university that is very accepting of these types of situations, and sees mental health to be just as important as physical.

Showering always makes me feel better, regardless of when the last one was. Taking time to go through every step in my routine for days like these is so important, from hair treatments to using a new lotion on freshly shaved legs. It all adds a little more goodness. Drying my hair and styling it, instead of throwing in an unwashed messy bun, brings up the confidence that dips low during days like this. Despite the fact that I am working at the bar tonight, I feel that dressing a little nicer than an old borrowed hoodie and leggings can make a huge difference.

The photo above was the Saturday after it happened. Granted that I do have a cheesy smile on my face, what was hidden below was an ugly broken mess. My closest friends knew what had happened and showed endless love and support, which I am forever grateful for. This week is going to be hard, but I have done my best to keep a positive outlook and remember that everything happens for a reason.

[ravenousnightwind]

Funnily enough, I probably never would have gotten treatment for my depression and anxiety, never would have been diagnosed with autism or adhd and ptsd if I hadn't of followed my spiritual path according to where I felt it was leading me.

It was only through my devotion to the gods, and my initial contact with Odin, and..maybe..using a Fly Alaric salve, that ultimately made me decide to get checked out by my PCP. Why? Because it allowed me to deal with internal issues. Through my experience with the spirit of Fly Alaric, and through my relationship with Odin, I was able to dive deeper than before into who I am.

It was more than just a spiritual experience you see. It changed me ultimately in a way where I realized how I wasn't a bad person just because I have problems. That I'm not a bad person for having been forcibly drugged as a child and locked up for being crazy for being different and believing something nonmonothestic. I went through some fucked up shit, and not just verbal abuse but physical too. When the authority fighures like teachers and deans grabbed me for no fucking reason.

Anyway, my point is, my spiritual path led me to clarity of who I am and who I wanted to become. I'm not saying I endorse the use of potentially harmful herbs? But I am saying that I did, because I was afraid of doctors, I was afraid of what would happen if I got seen..so I went down natural path to help myself because I trusted myself to do the research. Which is what you should do, except see a medical professional and not just believe everything you read. Also be fucking responsible with dosage if you do it yourself because when you mess with what they refer to as baneful herbs, or whatever, you might fuck yourself up. Include your doctor in those kinds of decisions! I took risks because I was afraid, and I couldn't do what people might think I should have done because it went against what I thought was safe.

Through that process I realized...unfortunately, that there was nothing within nature, as far as I could tell or realise, even now, that would help me get to where I felt I needed to. So for the sake of myself, I got seen by my pcp, and when they offered me drugs, I took them because I wasn't sure if it really was depression and everything else. My doctor went through brain scans, blood tests, and we had a variety of conversations about what drugs would be good for me. I made the choice to trust them because I was fucking scared I was dying!!!!! I couldn't get off the couch to pee, I couldn't do anything without really sitting and thinking about it for hours. Sometimes I'd sit for hours staring at the wall or a blank screen. I couldn't even do things I liked!!!! That's how bad it was and even now it's still hard, it's just a whole lot easier to do the simple things where I'm not struggling as hard.

My point in saying this is that mental health is real. Depression is a fucking debilitating disease, not some bullshit nothing you can simply wave away at the beckoning of your boss or your parents. It's a real physical problem in the brain. While I believe all the things i mentioned can help with mental health and depression, my biggest statement to anybody suffering from it is to seek advice from their doctor and try different things based on what they think might help. If your doctor doesn't listen to you when you tell them what's wrong, find another one cuz they're crap. A good doctor will listen to what you have to say, even do tests that they don't think will be fruitful, all for the sake of your health. If they don't do those things for you then they aren't for you.

Cuz in closing, depression can and does make people unable to function as people. I was literally sitting there for fucking hours and I couldn't move my fucking body. So fuck off if you think it's nothing or easily dealt with. That's why if you have it, seek medical attention, especially if you have other problems accompanying it, because as you age it gets worse and can progress to an extreme degree if you don't do something about it!

[jodilin65]

I was reading an article about the perception of old age and how it changes depending on how old we are, and it’s so true. When you’re under 25, you see 50 years old as ancient, and when you’re my age, you see 70 years old as elderly.

I've been very tired all day. I didn't sleep well last night. I definitely don't sleep well when I don't take Benadryl. Even taking Ibuprofen helps me sleep better. I thought of taking something, but then I figured I'd be woken up by storms, so it would be pointless. I wasn't woken up today, but tomorrow I'm almost certainly going to be. This really sucks. At this time of year, I'm wondering why we moved here. I miss being out in the country with more space around me and quieter skies, free from thunder and planes. I don't mind thunderstorms at all when I'm awake, but every time I'm on nights during storm season, it's a struggle. I don't understand why my husband can sleep through thunder without a sound machine, and I can't. As tired as I am, I'm trying to get as much cleaning and other things done as I can because tomorrow is going to be worse. I wish there was a way to flip my schedule. I don't understand how one of my exes could work rotating shifts like she did.

Believe it or not, even though I don't have a normal TSH, it looks like cutting carbs and sugar may slowly cause weight loss after all. This both pleases and scares me. It would really help my health in many ways, but because of the medication, I worry about it bringing back all that anxiety. I asked Jessie how much weight she's ever lost or gained on the medication and if she's ever had to adjust her dose because of it. From everything I've gathered from her, she's never had the kind of problem on this medication that I've had and could still have if I'm not careful. I've got the perimenopause out of the equation but not the sensitivity to the medication. I'm not completely sure I'll lose weight, though. I'm more sure that I'll never gain any more in my life than that I'll lose. If I ever gained more, something would have to be wrong because I don't intend to eat more and move less.

My new g-strings are a bit big but comfortable. The adjustable tie-dye set will be good for under shorts and pants, while the other brand will be comfortable for sleeping. When I'm wearing dresses, I still prefer a full-coverage style so I don't get a wedgie from the dress every time I bend over or stand up. Perhaps that's TMI, but you know how it is—I write for me first, LOL.

I'm allergic to cats and don't care for them as pets due to their claws, jumping, and smelly litter boxes, but they are adorable. Even when they're on sheets. The new polyester sheet and pillowcases are adorable! Now let's see how long they last before they pill. I can't believe they could pill any faster than the last two sets I got, which I'm now annoyed to have wasted money on. I should have just gotten these cheaper, prettier sheets from Temu instead of the pricey ones on Amazon. They feel nicer too—they have a smoother, less wooly feel to them.

I'm not sure about my new trimmer yet. The electrolysis has thinned out the number of hairs I have and thinned the remaining hairs, but I don't think it's ever going to completely eliminate them. Maybe I just don't do it enough. I forget or get lazy at times. It's not exactly a professional-grade tool either.

I'm kind of surprised I can do video chats with Mia. I could have sworn that was a premium feature, and it even says that it is.

I found that the quickest way to finish my latch-hook rug, because it's so boring to do, is to work on it while I watch TV. I couldn't drill or color while watching TV because I would need to look away from the screen too much.

Most people don't want to know the future. They don't want to know when they're going to die, how, or what's going to happen in their future. I'm different, though. I spent 58 years not knowing most things, so it would be a nice change of pace if I could know some things. Maybe not everything, but some things. I would really like to know if we're ever going to move or not because that would affect my goals. I would be more tempted to save for certain home improvement projects if I thought we weren’t going anywhere. I can kind of see where if we saved enough, we might have options in the future, but I don't know for sure. I guess it would depend on a lot of things, like the housing market and where it was and that sort of thing.

[queervegancryptid]

I have literally never been this hungry or physically exhausted in my life. Which is saying something.

I had to go to the doctor today. This is a rant about that, because if I didn't vent about it, I would fucking explode.

I made pasta and ate some. I didn't have enough sauce but put in a fuckload of nooch for b vitamins. It worked out okay. I could have added a protein but actually, no, I couldn't have. I keep apologizing for being such a colossal fuck-up of a human being, and I keep trying to be better, but we both know this situation is being impacted by its duration so far. In other words, I can't do what I need to do to get better because of how bad things have already gotten.

This is a problem. And I've got chronic pain from what's essentially cachexia by way of eating disorders and a doctor who doesn't get it despite being told over and over again. "Don't tell me my weight." Every time, I find out.

"I have anorexia and have been eating [numbers] calories per day, max, and it's getting worse." My weight has also been dropping, which I literally see on a fucking graph every time I come in, so clearly there's something going on here. I've lost over a third of my body weight since last year. If I wasn't anorexic, I would expect my doctor to raise some serious fucking alarm bells over that amount of unexplained weight loss.

"I get chronic tension headaches since I was a teenager. These are the drugs that help me." He prescribes Imitrex, which is for migraines, and it affects serotonin and shouldn't be taken by people who are also on other meds that deal with serotonin, which I am, another fact of which he should be aware. Because it literally says what I'm taking on the screen in front of him. If I hadn't had the background knowledge I gained through experience and actual academic research, I likely wouldn't have known that. And it isn't the first time he's done this sort of thing. I know what works for my pain. The word "migraine" did not leave my mouth in his presence, and I've told him and the staff dozens of times that I have tension headaches secondary to extremely bad anxiety since I was a teenager. I know what works and what doesn't. I've tried migraine meds for them before, actually. I know that's not what I need. And it could have seriously fucked my brain chemistry, to who knows what effect, at a time when my brain isn't doing spectacular to begin with.

I'm sorry, I'm never like this with anyone whose job it is to perform a service like this for me, but I just wanted to shake him and yell, "Why on earth won't anyone fucking LISTEN?" I kept my cool, but as I continue to try to start eating again, I'm not sure how dulled my emotions will stay. I wouldn't ever put my hands on somebody like that in anger. It's just not me. But I have a feeling the words will come out at a louder volume than they should at some point when I finally lose control of my filter around him. Seems like I should probably just bail before that happens.

Moreover, he doesn't know dick about treating eating disorders and has no intention of learning. I'm used to having to take my doctor by the hand, when it comes to certain things. I'm used to having to tell a story that isn't quite the truth because I know the truth won't get me what I need. In other words, I'm used to having to use a certain amount of finessing and suggestion to influence my medical providers, because otherwise, nothing would fucking happen.

But right now, I need help. I do. And I don't have it in me to teach a doctor what he didn't learn in med school, even if he wanted to know, and I don't think he particularly cares. He likes me and seems to view me as a sort of novelty, due in part to my transness and sense of humor. He does not treat me like a drug addict, like a lot of doctors do when you tell them you need pain medication, but he also doesn't treat me like a patient ought to be treated. He bills my insurance several times a month without doing his actual job as a doctor. So he's literally making money on my problems without understanding or doing anything about them.

He literally started to put bulimia in my chart as a current problem. I explained my symptoms and told him that the diagnosis is atypical anorexia, because I'm not bingeing and purging, one of the most basic of diagnostic criteria for bulimia, if not the foundational one that separates it from anorexia generally. Anorexia can come with purging, but it isn't a requirement the way it is for bulimia.

He said that bulimia should be the diagnosis on account of me not losing menstruation, which hasn't been among the diagnostic criteria for anorexia nervosa in a little while. It was removed from the DSM in (I believe) the fifth edition. And anyway, that wouldn't qualify me for a diagnosis of bulimia in the first place. I know; I've been bulimic. I was bulimic for a long time in my 20s. Sometimes, the patient knows what they're talking about. Also, I take testosterone and don't regularly menstruate. So the question of whether I have amenorrhea makes very little earthly sense, in any way, and I feel like that's pretty fucking obvious.

This is fucking intolerable. I don't know what to do, but I got here by closing my mouth and being accommodating above all else, to protect others, to get along, to save myself the humiliation or pain, and I won't get out of it until I solve the root causes.

I'm so tired of having flashbacks. There's also an age regression factor during and afterwards sometimes lately that's been a little disturbing. I don't particularly want to know what the root cause is behind that one, but clearly it's something that has to be dealt with if I'm starving myself to death over it.

Balls. I have to find a new primary care doc, don't I?