#hating a system's all well and good but getting to hate a person so intensely? something special to that

[batsplat]

insanely good tags by @rubyreadd, need them on the post

above and beyond that kind of.,,, narrative satisfaction. garnered from Casey The Super Talent sharing the spotlight with him.... for valentino it's enjoying the viciousness and also kinda the HONESTY of it. like again i do think casey's post-retirement narrativisation is more complex than just straight-talking hater dropping truth bombs etc etc. there's distortions there's dishonest framing there's inaccuracies... including in how casey approaches the valentino rivalry. but. BUT the pure resentment in itself is coming from a very honest place from casey. which is something valentino always says he prefers from his rivals!! and maybe that's not always as true as he thinks it is but idk. i think conceptually having his great rival regularly slag him off in the press is like. fine. if casey occasionally wants to go on a bit of a rant about what a dickhead valentino was, then that is his god-given right y'know

there's an ask i got ages ago i never finished responding to so i'm not sure i've actually talked about it properly on here. but it's kinda... why were casey/vale Like That in 2011-12 when. again. it's fascinating how mutual it is because either one of them could have just, y'know, decided to give it a rest, like they don't NEED to be doing this. there is literally no point and they're exchanging barbs for two years straight anyway. which at times are *beyond* bitchy like the tone of the discourse is lower than anything the two of them muster towards anyone else. gutter stuff. for casey there's the Biding His Time element where he's kinda been waiting three years to get one over on valentino, and i still fully believe in his heart of hearts he would've preferred to do so *on* the track. (see him dipping his toe into self-insert fic post jorge/vale's motegi 2010 spat about how casey would GIVE IT BACK TENFOLD if vale tried to laguna him again like come on, this has nothing to do with you, did you want jorge to crash valentino out you repressed nutter.) but instead he has to go on this two year schadenfreude tour which... y'know. he can work with that. still think he'd preferred to beat valentino in a title fight to get the laguna revenge he was crazing, but valentino's pure and utter failure also tastes pretty sweet. and the other element is i genuinely reckon it did him some good to release the negative pent-up energy lol. casey's very committed not to feud with jorge/dani so valentino is this super convenient target where you kinda know he'll bite. a way for casey to get it out of his system so he could keep it cool with his actual main on-track rivals

whereas on VALENTINO'S end it was this way of relieving stress at his competitive frustrations. plus he was so on edge he was more likely to jump on any provocations from casey's end, like i do think there's some bickering valentino would not have lowered himself to in a more competitive time. but also... it's fun. valentino enjoyed it. he likes a bit of healthy antagonism... and casey/vale in those years just kinda got to the point where they could say any old shit about each other. in a way it's almost liberating because at a certain point you've been so rude about each other that it's not going to make things WORSE if you drop a bitchy line in another interview, like who cares at this point. and well, casey must have also gotten SOMETHING out of it, some sort of emotional release. idk, i reckon they got some weird kick out of just endlessly antagonising each other, post-2009 it was just Their Thing in a very weird way... valentino thinks casey's finally being honest and just saying what he Really Thinks - and let's face it, he's right this time!! like casey clearly was actually repressing how he really felt post-laguna! congrats valentino, this guy did actually secretly hate you all along! call a national holiday! two guys so committed to having a dickhead-off that their conspiratorial leanings are being vindicated

and to bring this back round... casey is always the more complex tormented side of that rivalry where i DO think he kinda low key enjoyed being a dick sometimes but high key can't admit that. and i'm not saying the valentino rivalry was a particularly healthy outlet, like i don't think a therapist would recommend it, but also 'healthy' is overrated... casey's very much a guy who can stew in his own negativity but also can derive a fair bit of pleasure from his more negative emotions, cf his intense flirtations with schadenfreude. valentino bringing him in touch with his darker side again lol. but on the other hand casey does also have like. real pain and torment related to the valentino rivalry and sometimes he does also want to publicly exorcise those demons to Be Understood. whereas with valentino... well, yeah, idk. ofc casey did manage to genuinely piss him off a fair few times, but in a way was casey not the sparring partner? he's not just the major valentino rival who has the best h2h with valentino in extended duels (they're very close to being even, which is insanely impressive if you think about it - compare and contrast with jorge which is far more lopsided than you'd think), not just this Most Talented Of All Time on-track rival - he's also the valentino rival who is by far the most adept at coming up with snappy retorts for valentino off the track. like i mean it's not even really competitive because he's basically the only one who ever managed to do it. the massive W off-track at jerez 2011, just in a completely different league to anyone else in the fighting valentino game, is really just symbolic of that

so yeah. casey really is the ideal sparring partner. which of course means he's going to piss valentino off plenty in the moment because they're in opposition to each other!! but also, valentino fundamentally LIKES sparring. he loves having rivals! he loves some good old-fashioned bitchiness!! anyway what all this means is i reckon there's a serious risk that to valentino, him vaguely hearing that casey's had another go at him in the press basically constitutes like. #throwbackthursday

from a post a week ago, and now apparently casey is going around calling himself 'calculating' after I implicitly placed him on the other end of that particular spectrum. I genuinely am unsure whether casey has ever used the word 'calculating' before to describe anyone. follow-up to me saying the casey/valentino dinner stonks were looking low, twelve years into casey's retirement, only for it to take a literal month before they eat dinner together. casey's contrarianism is on such generational levels that I'm now beginning to feel he's coming for me specifically

now obviously, there is plenty to be said about casey implicitly grouping himself in the 'mind' (dovi, pecco, valentino) camp rather than the 'ability' (dani, marc) camp. much to be observed about his self-conceptualisation. and just like the dinner thing 🤓🤓🤓 it doesn't contradict anything I've said ☝️ 🤓 because the whole point is that casey is the valentino rival who can best dip into valentino's bag of tricks. like, on the one hand you have the dichotomy --

-- but on the other hand, obviously you have casey's entire preoccupation with learning from valentino (x) --

-- AND you have casey whole THING about confidence and the hatred of being seen as mentally weak in any way, paired with this idea he has of himself of someone who is people smart and can read others well (x) --

-- and what you're left with is a collapsing of the boundaries (x) --

-- that neatly separate the two of them. as a dichotomy, it can be confounded. both of them are often happy enough to play into the whole 'ambition vs talent' framing that forms the bedrock of their rivalry because it does to some extent also reflect what both of them genuinely value. casey needs to have supreme confidence in his own natural ability, valentino likes to outsmart his competitors and is flattered by the idea of beating a rival as ridiculously capable as casey. they're not ALWAYS comfortable with it, they've definitely gotten prickly about it in the past... and casey in particular certainly doesn't like the idea valentino could get one over on him psychologically (notes from a girl who tried and failed to spell that word correctly about half a dozen times, which is perhaps the most embarrassing word for me specifically to not be able to spell)

been collaboratively workshopping a theory that part of why valentino appears to be so supremely unbothered by casey talking inordinate amounts of shit about valentino these past few years is that... fundamentally, most of the things valentino is being attacked for he doesn't exactly mind. substantively, casey's critiques have focused around 1) valentino making an enemy out of casey, 2) valentino not paying casey any respect, 3) valentino shooting himself in the foot by making an enemy out of casey, 4) valentino not doing enough to keep his fans under control, and 5) valentino using the media to make casey's life miserable. valentino could argue his case here and plausibly argue casey is misrepresenting a few key details, but fundamentally if casey thinks 2007-08 valentino deliberately antagonised casey outside of the scope of their on-track rivalry... well, whatever, rivalries are fun! if valentino is going to be portrayed as the bad guy in this rivalry then. who cares. and (3) is fairly obviously incorrect - it represents casey's idea of what he would have liked their rivalry post-laguna to have looked like, but it's also not going to bother valentino insofar as it's clearly wrong. makes it less likely it's something he's sensitive about, right. every story needs a villain, and my guess is that there's portrayals valentino would object more to than 'machiavellian dickhead'

on casey's end, obviously there's also an element of self-consciousness to casey struggling to find a word to describe himself. talent is the obvious one to go for... maybe just doesn't want to use that as his word. when jorge recently described his fellow aliens, he associated dani with his incredible technique, marc with his fearlessness, casey with his unconventional talent and capacity for improvisation, and valentino with his intelligence, charisma and lucidity when racing. to be honest, if I were doing this exercise for casey, I too would probably tend towards that improvisational ability first and foremost - adaptable, maybe. the words he uses for doohan and fabio respectively, stubborn and resilient, also would be fairly close to the top of my list. so idk, isn't it interesting he goes the other way!! such a fun lil nugget that taps into his self-conceptualisation - and from the pov of the casey/valentino rivalry, something about how he recognises in himself the traits he begrudgingly respected in valentino. this is why they're so fun, right:

but casey's timing is still funny. did also give that post-ranch interview on the same day as I posted about how he'd soon go back to slagging valentino off, which I still fully believe but didn't pick a great time to talk about. give it a rest, man

[missmielyhoran]

Chapter 1

Welcome to Humphrey high my loves...

I don't know shit about the british education system, and tbh it's confusing when I googled it, so I just made one up! But it's a all rounder school, more like fiction people are doing anyone and anything except studying.

Sunshine asshole × Grumpy sweetheart enemies to lovers

[Warnings - Angst, death threats, Harry being asshole as always, y/n having stick up her ass, bullying like a lot of]

Masterlist

*****

Humphrey High was a prestigious school for wealthy families. People from all over the world would send their kids there to get education from exceptional teachers.

It was basically boarding school for rich trust fund babies who have their head up their asses.

The school had seen many things from inappropriate relationships to enemies at each others throat to lovers who would die for each other.

Still, there was one story that stood out the most...

The whole small stadium of school was packed, yet no one dared to make a sound. Sweat glistened down the side her head to her neck as the sun was shining right above her head. It was too hot of a day, but nothing could stop her.

This was the last shot it would either make or break her streak of winning. The scores of both parties were equal, and even she had to admit that after a long time, she found a good opponent. The other girl served, and the intense game was on, but as good as the other could be, she wasn't her. The ball made a loud sound when it hit her racket, making the ball fly just an inch from beside the other girl, insuring her win.

The whole stadium roared while some booed, but there was a single person, the loudest of them all whistling and cheering for her, knowing it would get on her nerves.

Y/N rolled her eyes, looking over the bleacher where he stood with his smug taunting smile. She ignored him and walked towards her coach, who gave her a patt on the back and congratulated her.

There were a few things Y/N was known for, her great skills in tennis, physics, her resting bored face, which rarely turned into a smile and hating Harry Styles. It wasn't like she grew up in a traumatic household or had a traumatized childhood. Well, she did have traumatized childhood and experiences, but she feels like she had always been this way. That's why he called her that stupid nickname-

"My My Wednesday" Harry said, walking towards her, his ring clad fingers making clickling noise as he clapped.

"I will see you at the practice on monday, coach." She nodded her head and picked up her bag, looking around for her best friend who was nowhere to be seen.

"Why you ignore me, darling?" Harry asked, pouting feigning hurt. He was walking backward in front of her, and she had all mind to push him.

So, she did.

He fell on the grass with a thump mumbling a small 'ow' as if falling on grass would hurt him. Y/N took the opportunity and race walked out of the stadium to the parking lot where she saw her friend dry humping with some girl on her car!

"Get off" Y/N said once for all, and the other girl was scrambling off of her car's hood while her friend laughed. She looked at her car for any dent or scratches when there were none she hummed contently. Y/N threw her bag in the backseat while Amelia slid into the passenger seat.

"Next time don't fuck on my car" Y/N said giving Amelia side eyes. Her best friend raised her hands in defeat, knowing the love she had for cars. It wasn't like Y/N was obsessed with cars or has a passion for collecting them (she had), no. It's just this old Mustang she got as a gift that she loves more than anything cause it was given by the only tolerable person in her family, her grandma.

"Did you win?" Amelia asked as Y/N started the car. Y/N gave her a deadpan look and shook her head. "Of course you won it was silly of me to ask" Amelia laughed.

"Hey doll, can you give me a ride with you?" she suddenly heard the infuriating voice again. Harry stood on her car's window, his face way too near hers for her personal taste. It irked her, and he did it more. He knew she hated when people were near her, and he did just that.

He stands way close to her or puts her in a position where she has to be near a lot of people or talk to them. He did everything he could to push her buttons.

"No" Y/N said, and just as her foot was going to accelerator, Harry ran and slid in the back seat.

"Such a sweetheart, aren't you?" He gave her a fake smile and fixed his attention to Amelia.

"Hey, wasn't that the girl from history class?" He asked Lia, earning an eyeroll from Y/N. Y/N wasn't one to judge people for their preferences, but she did judge her best friend's preference in men cause their was one boy she keeps going back to and has almost fucked half school to make him jealous but as always it never works and she has to be the one listening to her cries and rant about how shitty men are.

"Yeah" Amelia agreed with same sly smile as Harry's. "She's so hot I was shocked she even agreed" Amelis laughed.

"Are you kidding me you're hot as fuck. No wonder she agreed" Harry sat back in the car seat like it was his own hands behind his head and all. "Get your friend some too it might get that stick out of her ass" Harry chuckled.

"I don't want something. All I want is for you to get out." Y/N said, looking at Harry through the rearview mirror as his dorm had arrived. He just shook his head and got out of the car. He leaned against the window like before, way too near her for her taste but she didn't back cause that would mean he knows it affected her and she would rather die than admit that anything he does affects her.

"And if you can't find anyone, my dorm is just a garden away" Harry said, "You can get details from your bestie. I can assure you my service is very satisfying. " He winked and gave Amelia a smirk. Y/N glared a whole behind his back as he skipped towards his building while Amelia laughed beside her.

Oh yes, forgot to tell...Amelia and Harry used to fuck. Alot. And yes the service sounded very satisfactory from a thin wall but she will never admit that.

"He's just joking babe calm down." Lia laughed as if it was funniest joke, but all it did was annoy her.

*****

"I just don't understand why he won't even look at me!" Amelia whined, "Am I not pretty?" She asked Y/N sadly.

She looked at her friend and sighed, "You don't look bad" She said and resumed her homework.

"Then why won't he ask me out!?" Amelia let out a loud groan and fell back on bed. Y/N just shook her head and tried to concentrate back at her homework.

"Why won't you ask him out if you're so desperate?" Y/N said and Amelia looked at her like she has 3 heads.

"I'm desperate that stays between you and me. I would rather die than let him know that" She said, "Anyways what are you wearing for the annual ceremony this year?" Amelia asked.

Y/N slammed closed her notebook and put her head down on the desk. Every year except her first she had found a way to dodge going to that god awful ceremony.

It was the time that inncident with him happened and after that she can't stand being near him or go to that ceremony again.

"I'm not going" Y/N said putting an end to the discussion.

"But it's our last year!" Amelia whined, "I don't want to be there alone. Pleasee Y/N" Lia practically begged.

"Don't worry, you will find someone" She said and put her books where they belonged. It was true Lia was the perfect person to exist she was pretty, smart, outgoing, she made friends werever she went just don't let her know Y/N thought all that about her cause she won't let her hear the end of it.

"But I want to go with my bestieee" Lia whined again, giving her best puppy eyes.

"We do this every year, and just like every year, it's not going." She said, going to the washroom to change into her pajamas.

She breathed heavily as she looked into the mirror. She hated crowed places and told everyone and herself also, but she knew why she didn't want to go, really.

*****

So, yeah... this was this. I will write a new chapter soon. I'm also working on the 2nd part of the stages of grief, so that may be out soon also.

Thanks for all love. I love you guys so much<3

Taglist- @tenaciousperfectionunknown @that-daydream-look @harryspirate @tiaamberxx @lomlhstyles @vmpellie @sunshinemoonsposts @jayde515 @yeehawbrothers @sleutherclaw @ikea2-0 @thechaoticjoy @astridcommings @gxbiqs

Please Like, Comment and Reblog♡

You can tell me how it was here♡

[lwjsbedtime]

I think a MDZS Psych AU would be hilarious. WWX's this super observant genius who remembers everything he sees and can easily guess people's true motives, but it only ever gets him into trouble.

First, YZY hates him for getting better grades than JC, then he's kicked out of LP for calling WC on his lies at a charity gala, effectively blackening the Jiang name. After leaving, he gets caught up in a plot to assassinate him, which leads to him testifying against the Wens in court - which leads to a new, intense interest in seeking justice for those who can't.

...Unfortunately, even this gets him in trouble. WWX's called in one too many tips to the local police station and now he's a suspect! Oh woe! Whatever is he to do?! They're going to lock him up and throw away the key!

LWJ, an up and coming officer with a decade long crush on WWX: Do not worry. I will speak with Uncle to clear your na-

WWX promptly decides to announce that he's psychic.

"Impossible!"

LQR...doesn't believe it. No one really believes it, but LXC takes the opportunity to hire WWX as a consultant for cases...

"...Otherwise not easily solved," he explains delicately, very subtly not winking at his brother who's also very subtly not eavesdropping on their conversation. "You would of course be working with Wangji."

WWX considers it for a moment: a well paying job that interests him, and he gets to bother LWJ all day? How could he possibly say no?

And so he doesn't. In fact, he agrees.

WWX and LWJ become partners. LWJ the dashing young police officer, WWX the spooky, scary crackpot-

"Do not insult yourself, Wei Ying," LWJ chastises.

WWX can't help but swoon. "So protective of my reputation LZ!"

"Mn."

LWJ has good reason to be protective - and of more than just WWX's reputation. Since becoming 'psychic', WWX's attracted a number of very vocal detractors who find his methods disrespectful - along with several enemies in high places who can't afford to have their secrets uncovered.

Thankfully, LZ is always there to keep him safe. And when LZ's busy, WN is willing to step in and help.

(WWX is somehow blind to both LWJ's boundless adoration, and the fact that he's essentially employed WN as a part-time bodyguard behind his back.)

Still, no system is perfect. While investigating the murder of a local debutante, WWX is captured by one of his enemies' lackeys - Jin Zixun.

"...Who?" he asks, drawing a blank.

Jin Zixun pokes his finger in WWX's face. "You-! Don't you remember everything? How can you pretend not to know me?!"

WWX blinks. He's sure he's never seen this person before in his life. But when he says as much, Jin Zixun looks fit to beat him.

Thankfully, before things can get too heated, LZ breaks into the warehouse they're keeping WWX in and rescues him. Is this another swooning moment? Of course! Any moment is a good swooning moment with LZ around.

"Mn," LWJ agrees, picking WWX up in a bridal carry (after arresting the bad guys, of course).

WWX laughs, hiding his cherry-red face in LWJ's neck.

"LZ!" he whines, batting his partner's chest. "Don't just agree with me! Think about my heart."

LWJ tilts WWX's chin back, so he can look him in the eyes as he says, "I think of nothing else."

WWX almost swoons for real. What an unexpected confession! Maybe he isn't as observant as he's given credit for?

"Ridiculous," LWJ denies, "You are very observant. Just not psychic."

WWX laughs so much he almost falls out of LWJ's arms. Thankfully, LWJ is stronger than he looks.

"I am so psychic!" he argues once he's caught his breath. "I'm getting a vision right now!"

"Oh?" LWJ's raised brow shows exactly how little he believes Wei Ying.

"It's true!" WWX says. "I see...! It's us! We're standing side by side and...we're getting married! We're gonna be together forever, er gege."

Heart in his throat, he looks up to find LWJ staring back at him with dark, hungry eyes.

"Mark your words," he says in a growl, and WWX gulps.

That day, LWJ becomes a little less sceptical of his new fiance's preternatural powers, and WWX becomes a firm believer in LWJ's physical prowess. 😉

----

Jin Zixun, some hours later, still handcuffed to a chair in the abandoned warehouse: Hello? I think you forgot me? ...Hello??

[luringfantasy]

One by One 6/7 (final chapter part a)

PRELUDE

You were snooping around Loki's stuff to find his chest full of sex toys. He was not very pleased about it and has decided to punish you by using all his toys on you, one by one...

based on this imagine |

previous main masterlist

Warnings: use of "pet" names, BDSM, dom Loki, sub reader, female reader

MINORS DNI

NO PROOF READING

You were waiting. And all you did was to wait for Loki, but Saturday did not come, and neither did you..(XD). Loki was pulled into a mission, and it just kept getting extended week after week. You worked for Tony and occasionally for SHIELD, you hated Hydra, but this time the hate was personal. 

Those damned creatures kept Loki away from you, kept you from his glorious dick, how dare they!

Private Number : Prepare yourself, I won’t be stopping this time, little pet. -L

You knew exactly who this was, your heart started beating fast receiving his text like this, was the wait over? Although you decided to tease him a little bit.

You : who dis?Private Number : You are asking for trouble y/n, you know perfectly well “who dis” is.You : idk, it’s been so long, i might have forgotten Private Number : I see, perhaps my little dove needs a thorough reminding.

Him addressing you as “his” little dove made your heart soar. You have been working with him for so long, but didn’t realize that he even saw you as a friend let alone “his”. This was a conversation for future you. Much much later in the future, after you get a ride on his glorious, beautiful cock, mmm, definitely after that. Your thighs rubbed against each other, you would definitely not mind Loki “reminding” you. Though you didn’t know how much of anything you would retain once he started to fuck you.

You : When will u be back??Loki : Eager are we?

You imagined he must be chuckling lightly at your desperation.

Loki : Soon enough dove. And until then, you will save your sweet nectar for me and only me. Not even your own fingers should have a taste of what is mine!

Oh god, you were already desperate for him, using your own fingers to mimic his, trusting you silicon friend more often than not, and he wanted you to wait?

You : 😭😭Loki : Are you that happy?You : Wats there to be happy abt? U r being unfair.

You waited for him to say something but figured he was busy or maybe he didn’t deem this important enough to discuss. His word was final, he was letting you torture yourself, make you wait. You receive occasional texts from him, which did not help at all.

Loki : I am having the finest chocolate and I still want you on my tongue.Loki : Darling, do you know the traffic light system?You : ???Loki : Hmm, I suggest you look into it...

??? Seriously, what was this man thinking? You were now concerned for your safety. But the idea of Loki going feral on you turned you on more than it scared you. An inner voice told you that you should probably seek help, but, when have you listened to it when it concerned Loki?

After a week or so, you fell into a routine with him, texting him whenever you got some time. On days when he didn’t text you, you worried. And then patiently waited, hoping he was well. But it was impossible for you to wait, you almost went against his words to relieve yourself, but stopped at the very end. Then one day you were not so lucky, and very very very desperate. Your will power broke, and you had one of the best orgasms in a while, almost as good as the ones Loki gave you. The waiting does add to the intensity.

But now you are scared. You knew you cannot lie to Loki, he is the god of lies, but you didn’t want to confess to him either. You were already in this arrangement because you were going through his stuff behind his back, and now you broke his rule.

As a few days passed the guilt ate you from the inside, so you confessed to him over text. His reply was worse than anything you could have expected. It was an “OK.”, that too with a full stop! You were expecting him to reprimand you, but this meant only one thing, that he will take care of this matter when he arrives.

Loki : My place, right now.

This is the text you had been waiting for! Fcking finally. Finally some fucking! The last two weeks took a toll on you, not only did you abide by Loki’s rule and were super frustrated, you were also anxious about how Loki would punish you, for breaking his rule.

You were prepared for this evening for a very long time, you even bought a new pair of dark green lingerie for him.

As you walked towards his door, it hit you. The delicious smell, coming from his place, filled the whole corridor. Did he get you food? Before you even knocked the door, he opened it (damn his god powered hearing).

You immediately went in for a hug. “I missed you! You took too long for this!”. His hands wrapped around you, pulling you into him, then you felt him breathing you in. “And we both know that you lack any patience…” he whispered into your hair, which made you stiffen immediately, prompting a chuckle out of him.

(To be continued)

Thankyou for reading my work. And, well.. just thankyou.

TAGLIST: @lokixryss@alyeskathewave@ladymischief11@tukes@yelkmelk@crimson25

[softlyella]

Sensual discoveries

Part One: Pain

🔮 synopsis. Best friends discovers new sides of each others and tether the line between friendship and their hidden romantic feelings.

tw/cw. sexual education. scratching, hair pulling, suggestive talk, BDSM talk. I pet names: (his) sweetie, pretty boy.

🔫 rating.18+ explicit I wc. 3.6k

🍭 aus. friends to lovers

© This fic is an original work from softlyella, 2024. No part of this work can be used to train AI. This fic cannot be modified, published, translated in any way, shape or form without the written consent of its owner.

“I just don’t get how pain can be enjoyable,” Kai shrugged. 

Lily stared at her friend, surprised by his words. She vividly recalled conversations of him expressing enjoying biting and nail scratches. Yet, for some obscure reason, that was not where her brain decided to go.

“Well actually, according to a recent study, individuals who enjoy spicy food have a pain kink. The spiciness makes your taste buds hurt which activates pain in your nervous system, but as you feel good eating food, and eating this particular food, it also activates pleasure. So your nervous system registers that pain on a certain level brings you pleasure.”

Lily had a knack for remembering any information she read unless it was information she actually needed to remember.  

“That’s- that’s completely different Lil!” Kai shouted out, exasperated.

“Not entirely… no. It is relevant. Right now, you're just upset cause you love spicy food.” Lily shook her slowly, adamant. “However, on the subject of that girl…. You were startled and hadn’t consented, so her touching you in that manner was not enjoyable. Should you be in a safe and comfortable environment, with someone you trusted, I do think you’d enjoy a bit of pain.” Seeing her friend opening his mouth, clearly about to argue her point, she added promptly, “Just a bit, everyone has their limits.”

“My limit is none, thank you very much,” Kai added stubbornly. He sighed, pulling his legs into his arms, resting his chin on his knees. He groaned loudly, the sound muffled by his legs.

“That’s just- I don’t want sex that feels like a good fuck. I want sex that is romantic, you know? I want the ‘out of body experience’ type of sex. I want it to be intense and bonding. And binding too!” Kai professed, desperately. “I want to make love to a woman and feel consumed by her. I’ve been trying to meet someone but I want my someone. My person. All people do nowadays is cheat on each other and fuck everywhere but in their own bed and nothing lasts!” 

Lily’s eyes softened at her dear friend’s rant: this wasn’t about a kink, this was about his ex, her cheating on him and Kai’s romantic nature. She moved the bag and books and other random objects they had been using for the past 2 hours out of the sofa, and moved closer to the sad, pouting, boy. His eyes were glistening with unshed tears, further breaking Lily’s heart. She hated seeing him sad. 

Resting her head on Kai’s knees, she pressed a soft kiss on his hand, gently caressing the other.

“Kai,” she said softly, “you’re gonna meet your person. You will find the love of your life, and I have no doubt that you will know how to keep them in your life.”

“My ex cheated on me, Lily.”

“We don’t talk about her.”

He sighed, “ever since Jennie and I broke up, I’ve only met people who saw nothing in me but a pretty boy good or a quick fuck.” 

Pushing his long dark hair away from his face, Lily held his gaze, tenderly, “Kai sweetie… you are a pretty boy.”

He lowered his eyes, a single tear falling from his eye, escaping the tight hold he had had on them. “What if I’m just not good enough to be someone’s last love?” He asked his voice small and hesitant, barely above a whisper.

At that moment, the spirited woman that was Lily wanted her knuckles to mercilessly meet Jennie’s cheek. She had never liked her, and it was not because of any female rivalry bullshit. Jennie was just judgmental and seemed to think she was better than anyone else, and always trying to put down other woman. Something Lily particularly disliked.

“This dumb hoe cheating on you was about her own commitment issue, lack of morals, poor judgment and dumbassery. She was never good enough for you anyway and I told you so from the beginning.”

“But she said… she said I was too boring in bed. That she wanted to have fun and tried new things but I- I didn’t feel… comfortable with it.” Kai shrugged.

“And that’s exactly it, Kai!” Lily exclaimed, raging that her sweet friend could ever think himself unworthy of being truly loved. “You not being comfortable enough to try things with her was a red flag. A big fucking one! Red like blood! If you instinctively feel uncomfortable at the idea to put yourself in a position of vulnerability with another person, then it’s a sign!”

Lily gently put her hands on her friend’s cheeks, smushing them together as she brought his face up to meet her eyes. “Sweetie, I’m a feminist and I don’t like men. So complimenting your species isn’t in my nature, and you know that much.”$He nodded and Lily took note of how adorable he looked his eyes glistening and face all squished between her hands. 

“You’ve spend the year doing amazing. You went to therapy, worked on yourself, addressed many wounds that could hinder a healthy, emotionally mature relationship. You’ve been doing great. Any girl would be lucky to have you as her last love.” As if to punctuate her sentiment, she pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

Kai thanked his friend, touched by her passionate defence and how highly she thought of him. But Lily smiled that smile that always made his stomach do summersaults, he seemed as frozen, lost in feelings that had been overwhelming him.

Lily and Kai had been friends for two years now. Both introverted people, they took a long time before really truly connecting and letting the other in.  Ever since he had met her he had felt drawn to here like a moth to a flame; she was devastatingly beautiful, incredibly smart and so, so, so sweet. A beauty and grace that charmed everyone, and intimated a few.

Truth was that Kai had been in love with Lily for months but had never risked telling her. He was determined to keep her inches life, to have her obsidian eyes on him for as long as he could. 

He took a long look at her lips, mesmerised by their shape and colour. He had always the brown outline of her lips, with its pink center. Her lips were so full, he dreamt of tracing their brown contour with his tongue. Today, they were shinier due to the gloss she was wearing.

Glossy and pink.

Such an enticing combination.

When he spoke again, his voice was serious. “Would you consider yourself lucky to have me?”

“In our case, you’d be the unlucky one. I think you’d run away screaming and never speak to me again if you took a peak at the Lily inside,” she joked.

“What if I didn’t?” He pushed, needing some reassurance, no matter how ridiculous it could be in this moment. “Would you feel lucky?”

Understanding his need for reassurance and love in that moment, Lily dropped the playfulness and turned serious. “To be yours? One hundred percent. Why do you think you’re my only guy friend?” She punctuated her response with a eyebrow raise that drew Kai’s gaze to her eyes.

She had the most striking gaze, he thought, one that felt so tantalising. One of the thing Kai loved most about Lily was her habit of staring at a person and leaning in, giving them her full attention. He was particularly proud to be someone she did this with the most. He simply loved having her full attention, it always made his blood boil, his entire body heating up under her gaze, her aura.

It was true, Lily didn’t have any male friends, stating that ‘male energy within her sacred space just wasn’t ideal’. Something else Kai liked about her, that she didn’t have men in her life but him. He felt special to be in her inner circle, special and proud.

Suddenly, as if shot by an electric charge he remembered her previous words. “Have you ever tried, Lil?”

“Tried what, sweetie?”

“Pain. Pain kink”

“Not nearly as often as I’d like,” she sighed, letting her body fall completely on his folded legs. Her pretty doe eyes plunged in his.

Unable to resist, Kai brought his hand to her face, gently pushing her delicate brown curls away from her face, taking in her striking beauty. He then asked, lowly, “why not?”

“Well… I guess…. I want someone I truly connect with. Not a quick fuck. Not someone to play with. And I like being the one inflicting pain. Men who like receiving are… a little harder to find,” she confessed with a pout.

“You mean, you actually are… dominant?”

“Yes. Why? You wondered?” she asked, making his legs tremble slightly with her chuckles. 

He considered the idea for a moment, yes, he had wondered - hoped even- but never could be sure. “You’re pretty... no-nonsense and quite… pushy when you want something. All things I like about you!” He exclaimed, holding her gaze. The last thing Kai wanted was to hurt he is friend, especially since these were things he actually really loved about her. 

He added, shrugging, trying to appear nonchalant. “Sometimes you’re even a little mean…and it’s not unpleasant.”

Lily rose from her folded position and sat straighter, ensuring her eyes were levelled with Kai's. She raised her hand to grasp at the tufts of hair falling in front of Kai’s eyes, fiddling with them. “You like when I’m mean to you, Kai?”

Her soft, feminine voice had taken on a slightly sultrier tone, and in that moment the young man’s attention strayed. He had dreamed of her speaking to him with that voice and experiencing that, combined with her warm touch, a sharply sweet thrill gripped him.

“Y-yeah…”

“Kai,” Lily said softly, tucking his long raven hair behind his ear. “With the woman you love and trust you could be exploring things, exploring your desires further, hers… What if the woman you fall in love with, the one, wants to not-so-gently pull your hair and bite your throat?”

Kai’s casual comment had awoken the caged temptress in Lily, and it was as such that she ran her fingers down his jawline, all the way down to his Adam’s apple, watching his breath hitching: a temptress, tempting the object of her own temptation.

“Leave a pretty mark right… here.” Her thumb grazed a spot right above his collarbone, before slowly going up, pressing down on the skin as it did so, rubbing it strongly, almost… painfully. “What if she licks you all the way up here… then runs her teeth all the way back down on your skin, teasing you, making you shiver. Hmmm? And what if, once you start trembling, she bites down the skin. Pulls onto it. Sucks on it until it bruises nicely.”

Speaking slowly, enunciating each syllable perfectly, her eyes never leaving Kai’s, Lily was tethering a limit she had set long ago in her friendship: not acting on her romantic feelings. Yet, there was Kai, sad because his romantic heart still hadn’t found the eternal love he yearned for, feeling violated because cause a mindless hussy had dared touched him in a way that was way too forward, way too intimate for a first date and confessing things that she’s long suspected, wished for, imagined once or twice or even a few more times than that in moments pleasure, alone with her fingers. She knew Kai wasn’t the type to fuck someone in a public bathroom, he wanted candles, handwritten love letters, and Lily was now certain of it, to be owned.

He hadn’t yet said a word, eyes still fixated on hers. She needed to push him a little bit more. Or maybe no? If she went any further, she'd be stepping on a line, the line that rained their friendship. But if she did, she' would make such sensual discoveries about sweet Kai. Was it really a choice?

“If I was to kiss your neck right now, lightly bite you. Do you think you would hate it?”

Kai’s frantically shook his head, causing her to chuckle at his eagerness. How cute was he.

“No?” She hummed, feigning reflexion. “What if I was to bite just a little harder? Not enough to break the skin but enough to….leave a mark on your beautiful bronze skin?”

He gulped, his mouth running dry. “Well-”

“A mark that says you’re mine. Taken. Spoken for. A mark that says no one is allowed to approach because you belong to me.” 

Kai stared, mouth agape. Was this really happening to him? Was the woman of his dreams truly saying what she was saying? To him?! He simply couldn’t believe his ears. Lily, on the other hand, was nowhere near done.

“An ache in your skin to remind you of the pleasure only I can give you.”

Oh, it brought Lily way too much pleasure to say those things out loud. To notice how Kai gulped, his eyes faltering, how he absolutely wanted to pinch himself to know if he was dreaming. 

In a sickeningly sweet voice, she faked shock, “and what if you’re being bad, Kai?”

Confusion painted his gorgeous face. “Huh?” B-Bad?”

She leaned forward, eyes boring into his own. Deep into him. “Bad. Wicked. Naughty Kai.” Her voice changed, suddenly, into a lighthearted tone,  “I would have to punish you.”

“P-pu-punish me?” 

She hummed in approval, “Hum hum... to remind you to be a good boy for me.”

“A good boy.” He paused, gulped to moisten his very dry mouth. “For you.”

“If I have to punish you, make your body hurt so you remember who you belong to and how to behave. You don’t think you could feel a tinge of arousal whenever you remembered your punishment? Every time you felt the soreness in your muscles, the memories of all the ways I manhandled you rushing back.”

It seemed like, at first, his eyes were all surprised, wide and glistening; then, they were reasoning, narrowing on the devilish woman before him, telling him none of this was actually happening.

“Lil,” the way Kay said her name sounded more like a grunt than anything else, words leaving him without a filter, like the blood that ran to his cock lacked in his brain and tongue. “Is this a dream?”

“Let’s see, shall we?” She asked teasingly. 

He didn’t move, nor speak. Simply sitting, immobile, his legs still drawn up before him. 

She asked again, waiting for his confirmation and consent, "shall we, Kai?” 

“Okay,” he breathed out.

“Let’s starts with something so easy, so simple.”

She pushed his legs down, and lifted his shirt, before bringing it to his mouth.

“Open,” she commanded. She then tucked the end of his shirt into his mouth before instructing him to bite down on it. Lily stared in awe, running her nails over the defined surface of her friend’s abdomen.

“If this falls out of your mouth, I’ll stop immediately. Do you understand?” With his silent nod, she grabbed his wrist.  “Wrap your hand around my wrist. That way, if you want me to stop, just pull my hand.”

Again, Kai nodded silently. His eyes still wide and glistening; this time not only with surprise, but lust too. Those wide dark eyes watched as the now in charge woman showed him her hands, purposefully pointing at her long manicured nails. Slowly, she placed her hands, cold, on his stomach. His breath hitched, but it was nothing in comparison to the feeling of her running her pretty pink fingernails on his stomach. Lightly at first, then, a little harder the second time. The third time, Kai’s fist clenched. It did hurt. He was sure it would leave marks. 

“Are you okay, Kai?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” he whispers lowly, his mouth full. 

“Why don't you pull down your pants a little for me?”

“Anything for you,” he whispered, the look in his eyes affirming his words. Shy, pleading, and loving. Lily’s heart is fluttering, her head is telling her this is just a nice moment between friends, an indulgence. Meanwhile, unaware of her conflicting emotions, Kai obeyed her command and slid his sweatpants and boxers down.

“Like this is enough?” He asks, his voice wavering.

It was perfect, Lily thought. It showed just enough of what she wanted: a little bit of his bush, and the outline of his already hard cock. Kai shrunk a little under Lily’s gaze fixated on him.

“I-is it okay like that?”- he asks timidly.

Lily licked her lips, eyes glued to his pelvis area. “It’s so fucking hot.”

“Really?”

And her eyes met Kai’s, who shivered meeting them: this was the gleaming gaze of a hungry carnivore. One ready to devour him.

“Really,” she whispered, hand reaching down, gently, slowly. He expected her to caress his cock, to tease him, instead Lily gently ran her fingers down his happy trail, caressing the hair, playing with it before suddenly lightly pulling on them. Kai jolted, his cock twitching as electricity ran through his body.

“Oh… oh that feels good,” words choked in his throat as the pain deliciously mixed with pleasure. He wanted her fingers all over him, wanted to feel this all over his entire body. Lily smiled before pulling a little harder, unable to help the gush of arousal pooling on her panties upon hearing Kai’s cute little whimpers. Seeing her pretty friend, all sprawled out for her, on her couch, legs slightly spread, dick hard, eyes wet, mouth full and willing… he simply looked delectable.

“Should we try something else now?”

He didn’t need to think about it, the answer was yes. Kai nodded, already certain he would agree to anything for the woman he had madly in love with for almost two years now. 

She tutted, “I’m gonna need words now, pretty boy.” She said pulling on his hair again, harder. The combination of being called ‘pretty boy’ and the thrill of pain short- circuit Kai’s brain and the moan that left his mouth as a result was downright sinful. He doesn’t care, too far gone to feel embarrassed. He wanted more. He wanted it all.

“Yes Lily.”

“Yes what, pretty boy?” she murmured.

Kai struggled with clear thinking in that moment, his senses were fogged by the excitement of being touched by his love, in a way that was new to him but oh so pleasurable; he wanted Lily to call him her pretty boy, forever. He wanted to be pretty for her, have her coo at his visuals. Another harsh pull of his hair, another loud moan left his mouth, and he shamelessly jutted his hips forward, his hard member desperately seeking the demanding woman’s touch.

“Are you comfortable with me taking things one level further, Kai?”

He recoiled. “Ew, don’t call me that!” Her saying his name felt like a bucket of ice cold water had been thrown at his face when he’d been so warm since she had started touching him. 

“No? What do you want me to call you? Pretty boy?” she taunted. Lily ran her free hand on Kai’s thighs, spreading them further apart. The male visibly gulped, his eyes bored into her as he looked at her sweetly.

“Yes please,”he breathed out.

Lily’s hand came up to his chin, lifting his face up, her thumb pressing into his plushy lower lip. His lips part as he looked at her, mesmerised. She pushed her thumb into his mouth, his tongue immediately wrapping around it, sucking on her.

“Pretty boy? Do you, or do you not want to try more?”

With a mouth full, he answered. “Please Lily, yes.”

She smiled, satisfied with not only his answer, but his politeness and eagerness too. She wanted to explore his limits, see how much she could ruin him, how many memories she could keep of him when this night of discoveries inevitably ended.

“Do you know what a safe word is?” She asked, removing her thumb from his mouth. 

He nodded once more. She pulled harshly and suddenly at his hair.

“Ah!” he whined loudly, his thighs and biceps flexing and straining as his hard cock twitches.

Lily’s voice is stern this time. “Words.”

“Sorry. Yes, I know what safe words are. Hum... traffic lights.”

Still stern, she ordered him to describe them to her, wanting to make sure he knew exactly what it was. 

“Red, yellow and green, mean stop, this could go either way and yes continue.”

“Very good example. Poorly explained,” she commented. Kai wondered why he felt so disappointed to have not done well for her.  

“Pay attention!” Her voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He nodded sheepishly.

“Green means all is well, go ahead, I love this I’m comfortable. Please don’t stop. Yellow means okay, I’m a little unsure, I mean I like this, I think, but I’m not fully confident here. Thread carefully.  Red means stop.” She leans forward, grabbing his chin. “Red means I stop immediately. Hold you. Make you feel safe. Reassure you. Warm you up. Take care of you. Immediately. Do you understand?”

Kai nodded once more, and as he felt her hand beginning to twist. He put his hands up in a stopping motion and shouted, “YES! Yes, yes, yes I understand.”

“Repeat them for me,” she ordered, caressing him once more, her hand going slightly lower, grazing his touch deprived cock.

Kai whined, feeling so utterly desperate for her touch where he needed her most. “Green is what I say when I like everything and don’t want you to stop. Yellow is when…hum… I’m a little scared but want to see what happens. Red is when I can’t anymore and want it to end. Immediately.”

All traces of severity were gone from Lily’s voice as she affirmed, “red means I make sure you feel safe and okay.” 

“I feel safe and okay with you Lily. I’d love to explore a bit more with you.”

And he meant every word.

Reblog, Like & Comment for part 2 🌹

© This fic is an original work from softlyella, 2024. No part of this work can be used to train AI. This fic cannot be modified, published, translated in any way, shape or form without the written consent of its owner.

[tacky-optic]

SINNERS, ALL OF 'EM

the seven deadly sins + the gang = way too much overthinking

Lupin's Gluttony The world's his for the talking, yet he can never be satisfied. That'd be a real bummer if he were anyone else, but that hunger for more challenges, more adventures, seems to only add more fuel to an already roaring fire. He's a Glutton for a lot of things: Punishment, mainly. But also attention and experiences. His curiosity is insatiable. The only issue with Lupin's Gluttony is that he isn't inherently wasteful, which is a pretty glaring caveat. In that case, the big question would be "does the damage he leave in his wake outweigh that which was stolen in the first place?"

Jigen's Sloth/Envy "Man, I'm too old for this shit" incarnate, with a little dash of "I'm still going to silently judge you from my dark little corner, though" on top. It isn't Sloth "I'm gonna take a decade to get to this" so much as it is "I'm gonna do what you want me to do so rapidly and effectively that you're gonna think twice about waking me up again after I get back to my nap." But he really doesn't do jack-all if it isn't Lupin-related. If it were just him all on his lonesome, he'd kind of just rot. He is indifferent to his effectiveness. Bored, even. His loyalty to Lupin is an inherent aversion of his responsibilities as an individual.

His Envy brings him to action. He's a man of a lot of subtle wants and no willpower to take them, but with the right motivator, he'll bring down armies. Fujiko is a pretty good spur-on, as well as anything that remotely puts Lupin in the line of inconvenience or danger. If it's for one of his very, very few friends, he'd go through hell and high water just to get them a decent sandwich or something. Just be thankful his Envy's benign instead of malicious...

Goemon's Pride Mr. "Once again, I have cut a worthless object". There's literally an entire movie about his ego getting so utterly shattered that he gets all cagey/stabby mode about it for the rest of the movie, on top of training so hard he rewrites his entire goddamn nervous system just so he can do said stabby better. It's fantastic. To dedicate oneself so fully to one skill, then to restrict it to your own judgement as to not tarnish it, feels like the antithesis of humility. Pride, in a biblical sense, is to sever oneself from God; to become so wholly individual and confident in said fact that you forsake conventional belief in favor of your own. So congrats on netting the literal Worst sin, Goemon, you've earned it. God ain't shit when you can cut through anything.

Fujiko's Greed Does... does this even need elaborating. She's a woman that knows exactly what she wants and exactly how to get it, plain and simple. Why settle for anything less than the best?

Zenigata's Wrath/Lust What a wombo-combo, damn. This guy's the definition of love/hate. He's a man simultaneously impassioned and overwhelmed by his emotions, yet they lend so heavily to his professional and personal effectiveness that without them, he wouldn't be him anymore. Wrath and Lust go hand in hand, in a roundabout sort of way. It's about loving something so much that you want to crush it. A brutal dimorphous expression of emotion. To long for something to intensely, so vehemently, that it guides every action, fuels every decision... Underneath it all, would it even be possible to know what you are if that drive is all that defines you? Could you even call that living? We're talking about a guy who unironically wears heart boxers and almost exclusively eats cup noodle, people. This symbolism's very disturbing...

That's A Wrap You can always argue other sins for each of the cast members, of course. Lust for Lupin, Wrath for Jigen, Envy for Zenigata-- whatever. At the end of the day, they're all objectively terrible people. It's semi-safe to say that outside of religious contexts, the seven deadly sins have grown subjective in common culture/media. So why not take liberties? I sure as hell did. It's a goddamn miracle these managed to turn out so succinct.

[nynyhaha]

Trouble Trio and what they sacrifice for their abilities

To make your hatsu stronger, you need conditions, nothing ever comes for free. In the chimera ant arc seeing the Spiders fight Zazan was like a breath of fresh air. AND it showed us their nen abilities! I think that the conditions they chose might say sometimes about their personalities.

Phinks

His ability is quite simple but it shows amazing potential. With each turn of his arm,his punch power increases so with enough time he should be able to produce a bigger impact that’s Uvo’s Big Bang!

His limits are time he has before someone attacks him and energy he has to put into it. He’s among the strongest Spiders physically, but he too can only do so many arm rotations before he gets tired.

It could actually be compared to simple physics where one kind of energy is transformed into another. Still,if you wanna do something really big you gotta have the patience for it and in an intense battle every second is precious,so I can see how the need for time could be a problem.

Phinks has a reasonable condition that doesn’t cost him too much but works very well. Very clear and straightforward. Good choice!

Feitan

actually needs to get hurt. It’s also stated that his ability is activated by rage, so it’s also necessary that he’s pissed.

It’s interesting that he’s willing to get hit just for the satisfaction of watching the opponent receive the pain back tenfold and as heat!(I don’t actually know the proportions,it’s some sort of transmuter procedure where damage equals an amount of aura)

Sure,in a serious fight against a strong enemy he’s likely to get hit at least once,but would you not prefer to be able to cause pain without feeling it? I’m talking about scenarios where taking damage in order to use pain packer is more beneficial than staying unharmed and fighting without it.

Using pain strategically is typically Feitan, meanwhile I still believe that he hates it.

Shalnark

Let’s start off with the fact that he too feels pain because of his hatsu, but after it rather than before. It’s as inevitable as in Feitan’s case which I think is very funny.

Their abilities are polar opposites : Feitan gets hit first and then can enjoy the show and lay back as he watches all the destruction. Sure, his arm won’t heal because of that, but at least he lot the anger out of his system.

Shalnark will suffer from muscle pain for days after, and he wasn’t even there to see it. His ability is as impersonal as it gets.

For him it’s about control.

He’s a manipulator and uses people like dolls. He makes them loose their free will and turn into machines. He knows how horrifying loss of agency can look. But he’s willing to do that to himself! Id even say his ability is even more ironic than Feitan’s, because he’s subjected exactly to the thing his victims are. Ofc it’s willingly but when he’s in autopilot mode, he’s his own tool.

He says that he doesn’t like his ability and uses it during emergencies. We don’t even know how strong it makes him, but it might enhance his strength up to Uvo-level.

Shalnark is a computer genius and a technology nerd, so for him the manipulation is robotic rather than emotional. He takes people and makes them to puppets,as if they’re not alive. But he himself thinks of his role in the Spider as a cog in the machine and there’s something sad and endearing about it.

He’d prefer death over working for someone he doesn’t like and being their tool,but he’s fine with being that for the Spider and Chrollo.

Makes me think how he rejected his humanity and how he and Chrollo both instrumentalised their existence. Will Chrollo ever come to realise that it’s wrong?

[purple-space-aliens]

I hope you learn to listen to science. I genuinely wholeheartedly hope that your experience hasn't harmed you if you truly are a system. Trauma is tough, I hope you find peace.

Endos may be scientifically impossible, and the endo community has done horrible things to the system community as a whole, but I truly do hope you are okay, regardless of being horribly misinformed.

omg our first hate ask! our blog is big enough for that, yippee! /s

violet here! okay, so normally i wouldn’t respond to this kind of thing very intensely because honestly we don’t like getting into syscourse much. however, this is a good time and place to put our stance on things, as well as answer this ask anyways. (everything is going below the cut now since it is a bit long)

okay so first of all, i wanna address the fact that you are implying that we’ve had trauma, and this isn’t really true. sure we’ve had a few scary events and whatnot from when we were younger, but we don’t really have trauma. our family is and was, for the most part, kind and caring as well, and hasn’t informed us of any traumatic events.

back when we thought we were traumagenic, as it was the only type of system we had known of at the time, we were stumped on one thing. where our trauma was. and believe me when i say we dug and dug and dug, trying to find anything that would be traumatic. it became a major life focus, made us paranoid, and made us feel horrible that we hadn’t found anything. we tried to force memories that didn’t exist. starting becoming scared of things that had never happened to us. tried to reason that fictive exomemories must be telling us something about our past trauma. and yet, we found nothing.

so, despite having no trauma whatsoever, we still felt all of these things. we were scared, and felt horribly like frauds. during therapy sessions about plurality, we shared almost nothing because we were scared that because we couldn’t find our trauma, that we couldn’t be real. we were told by both the therapist and our mom that our headmates were not real. cyan started to push us away in fear. headmates began to hide themselves away too. even our happy littles, who are the whole reason we know we’re plural, hid. the only two people near the front were cyan and purple. both of them were screaming and crying at each other. cyan told purple to go away because e “wasn’t real”. purple broke, and after months of feeling so happy together, we broke apart, feeling more empty than before.

and yet, the headmates never really left. we continued to show up, even though many of us were in denial about being real. we are still there, a long time after being told we didn’t exist. we still experience changes in who controls the body, contrasting likes and dislikes, very different personalities from each other. we were still there.

so, we eventually stumbled onto the term endogenic, and things just kind of clicked. hearing that we are a system, even though it wasn’t caused by trauma was life changing. finally, we started to feel whole, we started to feel like we understood and belonged. we realized that we are still real, and much more real than we were when we were digging for trauma that didn’t exist. that’s how we know we’re real. we know our own experiences, and one person telling us that we’re “scientifically impossible” and doing “horrible things to the system community” isn’t going to change that fact that we exist.

however, i’m not done yet. you happened to say that endos are “scientifically impossible” and doing “horrible things to the system community”, as previously mentioned. however, these claims aren’t really very true.

firstly, i would love if you could provide me some actual evidence that endogenic systems can’t exist, since you are the one making such a claim. secondly, some evidence for endos being harmful would also be great as well.

thing number one, here is an article that is commonly brought up in endo related debates that i could not leave out. i suggest you check it out and give it a good read. since it is a source that mostly speaks for itself, i will simply let you read the many pages worth of information on endogenic systems.

in addition to that, here is another article i found on my own time, and while it is not particularly about endogenic systems, i felt it was informative regardless. i would like to preface this by saying i am not exact a fan of this article, as there were some parts that i didn’t like how it was written and what not, but it is a third person perspective, neutral group, with no bias. if i am reading it correctly (which i really do hope i am, though sometimes i do fail on my reading comprehension), the article is about the ties in plurality and other identities, as well as making comparisons in traumagenic plurality versus other pluralities, tulpas and endos. primarily, the comparison section is about tulpas and traumagenic, and i am not well educated on those, so i will be leaving that part at that. what i’m primarily here to call out is the way it describes how similar the experiences and symptoms are noted from both traumagenic systems and nontraumagenic systems, as well as the segments where it states that many traumagenic systems may not meet all the criteria’s for a diagnosis. i bring this up because it seems as if some anti endos think that to be plural you MUST fit all of the diagnostic criteria AND be traumagenic, when this does not appear to be true. the DSM is NOT a holy text, and scientists discover new things quite frequently.

for you last point, i’m a bit confused on where you’re getting that the endo community has “done horrible things to the system community as a whole”. i have never seen that before, and that is an incredibly bold claim to make without presenting any evidence of this happening. since i’m not exactly sure what you are talking about, or what you mean by “horrible things”, i will just says that endos are not harming the plural community. for starters, “plural” is a term that INCLUDES endos, and i believe it was MADE for this purpose (however i currently cannot find the source for this information, i have seen it many times). so, by pushing endos away, the PLURAL community is being harmed. i since i assume you are equating traumagenic to DID/OSDD (which i believe are not the same, but i am unsure of where any sources on that are either), i would also like to inform you that i have NEVER seen an endogenic system claim to have DID or OSDD. endogenic systems are NOT inherently claiming to be a disordered system. we are NOT taking away from traumagenic systems.

that being said, i would LOVE to inform you that we ARE okay, and are doing quite well as we are becoming informed on endogenic systems. thank you for your time to anyone who read this!

also please let me know if i said anything stupid, or messed up! i have no idea if i’m doing this right at all! i’ve never really done syscourse like this before so this is a first! (and please let me know if the second source is bad, since i bet someone is much better at reading and breaking down those types of studies and articles)

[magpod-confessions]

hi. so because i'm normal about jonathan sims and jmart. um.

i really like jmart. i think there could have been MUCH better buildup, but... ultimately it's a very cute ship. i think the appeal, yeah, is a lot that it's just canon. but.

they're both deeply broken people. jon wasn't loved enough. his grandmother tried her best, but he was never cuddled, never read to, never had a chance to *be a little kid*, really. and martin was never loved. maybe he convinced himself he was just never loved the right way, that his mum just didn't know how to show it because he was so *insufferable* and *incompetant*, but no matter the lies he tells himself, martin was not shown love by his mother.

and then they meet. and martin gives and gives and gives because that's all he knows. and jon has no idea how to receive because he never really had anything to receive. and jon's coping mechanism, with that unknown situation, is to reinforce his emotional walls. martin does not know how to stop giving. so they don't work at this point, not at all.

and then jon's emotional walls come tumbling down. well, moreso that they were violently destroyed, with prentiss and all. jon has no support system!!! tim hates him because he's a fucking *stalker*, martin... well... he can't rely on martin, of all people. and sasha... he never knew her too well, but she's acting strange. so jon and martin don't work together at that point, romantically, i think partially because jon won't let it.

in big part, jmart is built on mutual trauma (NOT traumabonding!! i know it's used that way in podcast, but that's not the correct definition) and ... martin being pretty much the only person jon has left. of course, there's basira and melanie and georgie, but they don't *get it*. they didn't go through everything jon did alongside him. sure, martin didn't either, but martin has been there the whole time.

it's partially a relationship of proximity, partially shared trauma, but i do think a lot of it is genuine care for each other (even if that care stems from the former two reasons).

anyways. theyre really cute. tma could have been just as good without it, but---and im saying this as someone who typically despises most romance in media---i really adore them and their dynamic. it opens up so many doors for both character- and self-exploration.

martin learning to love without sacrificing himself. jon learning to love openly, period. explorations of trust and how mutual trauma that affected people in different ways can shape them, etc etc etc. and of course, this is all in fics and in my own mind, because . theyre dead . (i wont accept any ending but that, honestly. theyre not Somewhere Else to me). but. it's nice. they mean a lot to me as characters and as people and as a pair. thumbs up.

and some jon ranting!! because i. admit. finally. that i might be a bit of a jon kinnie.

jon doubts himself, constantly, unless his decision is completely impulsive (ex. the coffin). he can't *let* himself feel, fully, because as a child it was always annoying/obnoxious, or too much, or wrong in some ambiguous, nebulous way.

he's out of touch with himself emotionally. it's... not so much that he doesn't get emotions, it's moreso that he's repressed the majority of his own so intensely that he has a hard time dealing with others' emotions because he's not too sure what it's supposed to feel like without a heavy flavouring of shame.

he's read a lot of books. he knows, in theory, what sadness or romantic love or anger or excitement feels like---and occasionally in practice, when the repression and 'compartmentalisation' (bottling it up) becomes too much and it all boils over---but he has a hard time relating those hypothetical and heat-of-the-moment feelings to actual, real life people.

he struggles with empathy, severely. partially an autistic thing, partially a trauma response. yknow. he's genuinely well-meaning when it comes to comforting those he cares about, but he's not sure of the right thing to say because of how severely that muscle has atrophied. he was never taught that with his grandmother and her neglect (and yes, no matter what he says on tape, it was emotional neglect) and then not having very many friends... he missed those prime developmental stages as a child.

he never empathised with book characters, i don't think. he was always the observer, never really fully putting himself in the role of the protagonist. he definitely used books as an escapist coping mechanism, but it wasn't in a visiting-this-fictional-world way, it was more of a losing-himself-in-the-story way, if that makes sense. there was always a sense of detachment. reading was an *in between* of his life and the life of the protagonist.

he struggles with his and others' feelings because, from his perspective, his emotions are uniquely shameful, uniquely embarrassing, and uniquely *harmful* to other people. so, he represses them, and doesn't let himself feel them unless they're 'useful'. and then, when he can't apply this ideology to others' emotions, he has no way to deal with them. he freezes up because this is a situation in which he has no real experience in, and, as a child who was punished for behaving autistically *wrong* ---whether by his peers or his grandmother---he's scared to make a wrong move.

he sees himself as a person who is uniquely capable of harm. other people can hurt other people, sure, but jon can hurt them in a *special* way, a *worse* way, because he is a fundamentally wrong, bad person.

yeah👍

.🗣️

I AM EATING THIS I agree with this yea

[chestcongestion]

HUSK SNZCANONS I AM ON MY KNEES BEGGING

I am finally back from work/ getting my oil changed and here to deliver snzcanons for my favorite pretty kitty <333

Loud ass dad sneezer, sneezes with his entire head, if he was a weaker person he'd sneeze with so much force he'd knock himself over.

Very heavy on the "R"s, they're almost rolling sneezes.

Lots of "HRR'SssCHUHH!" "HRr'SsHOO!" and the occasional "HHNP'TSSHHUH!"

Usually sneezes in multiple singles spaced apart, doubles or more usually indicates that he isn't feeling well (allergies or illness...or both if he's so unlucky)

Allergic to cinnamon, roses, and the ingredients in a lot of mass-marketed forms of glitter (something he had to learn the hard way when he and An/gel were intimate while Ange was still decked out in full glam from work)

Covers pretty religiously, albeit with some sketchy technique. Tends to use the back of his wrist a lot which manages to cover sweet F.A. 80% of the time.

Is a very wet sneezer, every single one produces enough for a biohazard Jackson Pollock painting.

Can stifle, but it's both very uncomfortable and very obvious when he's doing it because he has to use his fingers and pinch them over his nostrils, and his fur stands on end with every sneeze.

Prone to his sinuses getting very congested, garbled consonants and a nerfed sense of smell, holding a cloth up to his nose to try and keep it from leaking. It almost always spreads to his ears, too.

Whenever his nose is itchy his precious little jellybean twitches and wiggles like a rabbit's nose, even as the skin around it turns pink from all of the pinching, wiping, and blowing.

Has no problem telling people when he isn't feeling well, but hates being fussed over so he usually downplays it.

Best cold remedy that isn't OTC meds: chewing on a piece of goldenrod and getting absolutely sloshed on tea with honey, lemon, ginger, and enough whiskey that it could be used as molotov fuel.

Very drowsy when he's sick, will fall asleep basically anywhere and has to be jostled pretty intensely to be woken up. Favorite place to fall asleep when he isn't feeling well is tucked between An/gel's legs.

Immune system is very good! But when sicknesses do hit, they hit hard in retaliation.

About 2/3 of the time he gets a cold he ends up with a lingering cough that annoys the shit out of him, but upon experimenting with treatments and different positions, they aren't nearly as insufferable as they used to be- coughing on your stomach while your boyfriend pats your back is apparently the prime spot for old grouchy catboys...who knew?!

Finds sneezing fascinating...unsure if it's in a kink way or not, but when the place is empty and he's bored, sometimes he induces either with a cinnamon stick or one of his feathers.

If you scratch a particular spot behind his left ear, he sneezes.

[ichbinmeltdown]

I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT "AUTOBOT SPIKE" and I'm going to ramble about them here

Ok first of all let me say I have a very intense love-hate relationship with this episode and might be biased because I'm transhumanist and desperately want to be a robot, no matter what the side effects would be. I also have some knowledge of robotics and computers, so I'll be basing my takes on that. Please correct me if there's anything I got wrong, I really wanna have a discussion about it, I got inspired by someone mentioning this episode on my dash.

Also, spoilers if you haven't seen it.

I hated that they went with the whole "IT'S UNETHICAL TO MAKE A HUMAN A ROBOT!!!!1" angle. I fuckin HATED IT. Honestly, I would do anything to get put in a robot body. If I woke up as a Cybertronian, I'd hug and kiss Wheeljack while crying and thanking him for finally making me strong and beautiful.

First of all, the situation isn't like Frankenstein's monster at all imo because they used spare parts that they presumably had around to replace their own parts with. Honestly Autobot X is on the same level as a less cohesive-looking Dinobot, in terms of how ethical it was to make him. They didn't see anything unethical about creating the Dinobots. They're not "Frankenstein's monsters". Reckless, yes, but reckless doesn't automatically mean "monster". Why was it ok to make the Dinobots but not Autobot X????

Furthermore, they went on later in the season to make the Aerialbots out of DEACTIVATED SHIPS ON CYBERTRON. That's a lot closer to the Frankenstein's monster story! Dead machines being used to make new ones, and having Vector Sigma make fully realized sparks to place into those bodies. Why, again, was it ok to make the Aerialbots but not Autobot X? The lack of Vector Sigma's sparks? The Dinobots didn't get anything from Vector Sigma and the Autobots didn't seem to mind then!

Really the only unethical part of the Autobot X experiment was how irresponsibly the Autobots did it. They made no preparations and then got surprised that things didn't work. Yes, I get that in that instance it might've been an emergency. But Wheeljack just said "FUCK IT WE BALL" and basically threw shit at the wall to see what stuck.

What I find odd is that Autobot X... had a "personality"? IIRC they made him as sort of a walking flash drive to hold any Autobots during repair. That would be like installing Ubuntu to a flash drive and then saying "I'm gonna use this flash drive for my backups". Why didn't they just leave him as a shell? Wheeljack would've had to go out of his way to create an artificial spark. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE WHEELJACK

Honestly though I feel like, the stupidity of him not leaving Autobot X as a big shell body aside, another problem is he didn't prepare the parts. There's no problem with using mismatched parts, as Cybertronians can swap their own parts out if they get damaged just like a real-life robot could. The best comparison here is when you see those cars IRL that have a door or hood or whatever that's a different color than the rest of the car. It still works, it just looks a little funky. But Wheeljack made ABSOLUTELY NO PREPARATIONS. He and the other Autobots just welded Autobot X together and said "oh well good enough". In my interpretation, Cybertronians have drivers for their bodies so they can work properly- drivers for their optics, speech synthesizers, microphones, each part of their motor system, etc. There was absolutely no indication that Wheeljack went through and transferred over the proper drivers- even then he would've had to edit them because, for example, a cop car's locomotion drivers would be way different from a Jeep's. All these different drivers in one memory bank would... Well, if you've seen driver conflicts on a real computer it's BAAAAAAAAAD. Crashes galore. That's probably why when Autobot X was first booted up he went berserk. The poor mech was in immense pain from his drivers clashing. And then they subjected Spike to that pain too. I can only imagine how bad it would hurt if your entire body was trying to go in different directions at once- and how scary it would be if you tried to move your right arm only for your left knee to bend backwards.

And speaking of conflicts... They not only put Spike's brain on his hardware without making a backup copy (if they could put a human's brain in Cybertronian bodies, presumably they could just... make a backup to keep on Teletraan I? Like in a zip file? I mean... what if someone tripped over the cord and accidentally made Spike unlearn English or forget how to breathe?! BACK UP YOUR DATA, FOR PRIMUS'S SAKE!!! It's like playing with the Windows registry!) but they also put it there when Autobot X already had sentience! Since they transferred Spike's brain over, I assume that they digitized it and turned it to files. However, they didn't port his "code" to the native Cybertronian programming language- it's just raw data of whatever human consciousness looks like to Cybertronian hardware. Then they stuck it there when there was already data, albeit garbage data, in Autobot X's memory banks. Helloooooooo, file system conflicts! "We have these super critical files that we can't risk messing up. ... LET'S JUST HAPHAZARDLY SHOVE THEM INTO RANDOM FOLDERS IN SYSTEM32, HIT YES TO EVERY OVERWRITE DIALOGUE AND THEN PLAY WITH THE REGISTRY! It'll be so much fun!!" - Wheeljack, probably

If they had made the proper preparations, this would've gone over without a hitch imo and the Autobots didn't need to wring their hands so much about the ethical implications. It would be like having someone who was born without several organs and missing all four limbs get donated organs and limbs.

Basically, here's what Wheeljack needed to do.

MAKE A BACKUP OF SPIKE'S BRAIN IN CASE THE WASTE SLUDGE HITS THE FAN

Analyze his brain to check how his own brain communicates with his body so he can optimize the drivers

Port Spike's brain into Cybertronian programming language

Wipe Autobot X's memory banks so there's no leftover garbage data

Tweak each of the robot parts' drivers to play nice with one another

Then and only then can you install Spike's brain.

That's why I'm gonna write a fic where one of my human OCs (who's an animatronics engineer actually) discovers Autobot X and begs the Autobots to try the experiment again with the proper preparations because he, more than anything, wants to be a robot.

I could be totally wrong about all this and forgetting some detail that changes everything, if I am do let me know, sometimes I'm just kinda stupid like that XDD

PS: Autobot X looks badass, I don't know why they all thought he was ugly. I love his mismatched aesthetic. Honestly the whole concept kinda reminded me of my old pre-Transformers robosona, MAV1S. She was left unfinished by her creator and had to build herself with whatever parts were lying around and sure, she does look kinda unsettling because she doesn't have a mouth and her limbs are bare, but Autobot X is made of fully completed parts, just mismatched like a car with 4 different colored doors.

TLDR: The Autobot X project wasn't any less ethical than the Dinobots or Aerialbots. The project only failed because Wheeljack and Sparkplug were negligent as hell.

[grison-in-space]

Part of the problem with trying to protect young people from exploitation and grooming by extremist elements of the manosphere is that our understanding of exploitation and how to tackle it is still hopelessly out of touch. Dr. Firmin explained that the very hallmarks of adolescence that most attract young men to these online communities are also the ones least understood by traditional support mechanisms. During adolescence, young people prioritize belonging, self-autonomy, and independence. This, she said, is a period in which young people are struggling with intense emotions: they are “more inclined to take risks” and are particularly unlikely to think about “long-term consequences.” As such, traditional support services are not well suited to this period, because they tend to be “targeted at individuals who don’t like to take risks and will think about the long-term consequences of their behavior and will be generally emotionally stable.”
While support structures struggle against these typical adolescent behaviors, Dr. Firmin explained, those who exploit young people “will tend to work with” them, offering children

a sense of risk or going against the grain, focus on short-term gains, what it means in the here and now, and push aside the potential negative long-term consequences… They will provide means by which you can be very emotionally driven and passionate…and also validate those emotions as authentic when other adults are saying, “Don’t get so worked up.”

All this resonates powerfully with the tactics of the manosphere. Young people are offered a highly emotive narrative and a sense of deep belonging and community. They are repeatedly encouraged, in incel forums, for example, to take violent action that would position them as countercultural disrupters without thinking too much about the consequences. “It’s very easy to sell those ideas,” Dr. Firmin added, in a community that boasts about “going against the norm.” In the case of the manosphere, she said, that manifests as “pushing against this idea of new masculinity…or men’s increased role in parenting… This narrative would push against all of that, push against #MeToo, so it’s very easy then to sell it as a risk and sell it into this idea of wanting a sense of self, a sense of personal identity.” In some respects, she said, given the current climate, the attractiveness of the manosphere to young men is “not very surprising at all.”

Men Who Hate Women, 2020, Laura Bates.

... Ohhhhh. Well, Bates is talking about young men getting sucked into the manosphere, but TERF tactics make a whole lot more sense now, don't they? There's all this uncertainty in our collective lives, and a simple but risky narrative that just requires brave, passionate folks to stand up for what they believe in to fix everything...

Ah.

For that matter, the same patterns totally resonated with me in my teens and twenties; I just had causes that I still feel good about to stand up for, like queer solidarity and ace community raising and allyship as an active choice.

I'm carrying some grief about that this morning—I have a lot of scars that came from being brave and open and riskily vulnerable and trusting my own resilience and hard work to catch me, and it's been a hard, hard ten years. But I also find myself thinking in the same breath: oh. That's the same romantic tendency that's kicking off the wistfulness about labor uprisings I was so critical of last night, and that association builds commitment to changing the critically unfair economic systems of inequality we live with. That's the same energy that makes so many teenagers so emphatic about climate change. That's the thing that makes my grad students stamp feet and snap "well, it shouldn't be like that then!" while I'm trying to do more with less to support them and keep them safe. And sometimes that makes me adjust my course, often for the better.

Stuff like this really renews my commitment to listening to folks who are significantly different in age to me. Sometimes I think they are missing big things in their politics, but sometimes I think that the uncompromising optimism of what could be is a powerful, heady current.

I've only been an adult for about a decade, is the thing, and I've already watched the activism of the generation of millennial activists I grew up alongside make real, profound changes in the status quo, often but not always informed by the support and lessons of generations that have broken the trails before ourselves. I think there can be a certain complacency about that, an idea that younger folks are going to either save us unassisted (lol no) or pick up largely arbitrary battles and waste the momentum of their energy and commitment. I don't think that complacency is a good idea, but it exists. It's worth opposing.

Just like any social construct, generations are both imaginary and profoundly real at the same time, both a wave and a particle at once. It's worth thinking about what people at different ages and life stages need, and it's always worth thinking about how to build coalitions to best channel and support one another.

[mitamicah]

Gig report: Joker Out at Tvornica Kulture, Zagreb 12.03.24

I had a good feeling about Zagreb from the moment I saw the queue in the morning. I arrived around 6.40 and was the fourth person to show up. In my previous experiences the concerts where I’d gotten a number lower than 20 have been the most intimate and memorable plus where the queue is the most chill feeling much more like a big group of friends hanging out.

I was happy to have a low number for sure but at the same time I cannot help feeling relieved that I wasn’t the first. Admittedly, I don’t feel comfortable with taking on the responsibility of being line organizer. Jokes on me it seems. None of us were comfortable with the leadership role yet loved the number system enough to keep It, so I ended up being the one walking around keeping up with the numbers now I was already giving out stickers. That later turned into me organizing the line as well.

I will say for my first time it could have gone way worse especially since I kept getting told that the Balkans are disorganized and hates queuing. It was not a problem-free experience, and you could definitely feel the stress getting to me (but I am also an open book when it comes to my emotions) yet with the help of some helpful Croatians we got the people to form two lines relatively easily and without anybody – that I know of – pushing or making trouble. The most trouble we had was that at one point during the day somebody noticed the joker out car parking by the other entrance and followed the band inside. From what I gather they were quickly thrown out again.

After the line(s) were formed the three people in front of me for early entry decided I should be first to show gratitude for the – in their words – great work I’ve done (I feel so honored). Having to be first was both so cool yet nerve wrecking since I felt the pressure to set a good example of how to behave getting in the door.

Safe to say I got myself a spot at the barricade where the first thing I did was to take off six layers of shirts (a hoodie and then t-shirts I’d made for each bandmember). Then when the guys arrived, I tried to get the attention of just any one of them and the person ended up noticing my yelling and my sign was Bojan. He gestured to me to hand over the shirts which meant that since the barricade was a meter from the stage, I tossed the shirts right into his arms. The look of bewilderment on his face catching the big ball of cotton was priceless! He had to put them to the side to continue the soundcheck (hard to sing with the hands clutching t-shirts) and I was sure that would be the end of it. In my defense, my last soundcheck experience where I’d gifted the boys a pencilcase full of keychains and stickers, I didn’t get to witness them open it or heard anything about it afterwards so I had no reason to expect the guys would even acknowledge my gift. (below: Bojan with his hand full of shirts during soundcheck, unedited)

During soundcheck we got two and a half song instead of the promised one. A few people in the queue had been wishing for specific songs out loud so the rest of us aided them by chanting for Bele Sanje, Barve Oceana and Sunny Side of London (all songs we ended up getting).

Me being starved for intense Bojan eye contact searched his eye at one point which he noticed. Locking eyes, he made a little nod which I took as him asking me if I had wanted us to have this intense stare down, so I just smiled and nodded back. I must have misread our silent interaction however, because he came to me, hand outstretched and gave me a guitar pick!!! (not that I’m complaining!!!)

Nace, precious boy, went around afterwards to hug people at the barricade so I went into my pocket and found five stickers for him. He sounded a bit apologetic and stuck between wanting to please us and running backstage so to not be late. He kept saying things like ‘I really need to go’ and ‘sorry I don’t have time’ but the fact he decided to do this little gesture anyways was very sweet. All this to say, I don’t blame him for his reaction to my stickers (saying ‘oh more stickers’ in a tone that seemed low on any form of emotion). I should – and am – just happy he actually took the stickers in the first place … and also, he gave me a hug, so that made up for it /j.

After that lovely soundcheck somebody behind me pointed out that Kris had taken a picture of my shirt and shared it on IG!! For context Kris is probably the member I would least expect to notice me, so this felt big!!! Now I started to feel semi anxious since it occurred to me that the boys HAD indeed taken the time to look at the shirts and so there was a chance, they’d wear them at some point. In my mind that ‘some point’ would be somewhere in the future but another fan made me hopeful for the possibility that they might choose to wear the shirts tonight.

However first we had MRFY entertain us on stage, and they were a vibe. I loved their silly costumes and the frontman’s fluffy blue guitar.

After their set the music started building up, and I felt the adrenaline kicking in. And yet despite everything, I was indeed not prepared. Seeing Jure with my scribbles on his body I fell to the ground screaming only to get up confused the next second because it was not the shirt, I’d expected Jure to wear: instead of his own face he wore the face of Bojan. Everything clicked when Bojan ran tumbling in with his arms outstretched and I saw that he wore Jure’s shirt. With no sleeves on either none the less but honestly I think they look better this way!!

Safe to say the concert was up to an insane start for me. So let’s get to the songs one by one (you’ll understand how I can do this later):

Muzika za Decu started out the set and I will say it’s a great opener – good to get people to sing along and the energy was contagious!! NGVOT without Kris on lead was a strange experience (let the boy sing his own song, gosh darnit!!). I hadn’t expected to be this hype for Stephanie but having Jure fooling around with a boombox made me wonderfully giddy. And also the fact I could now see him and Bojan interact with my shirts on full display for everybody to see and take photos/pictures of. (below: Jure and Bojan in "the shirts" during Stephanie, unedited)

After an adorable Bojan-Kiki hug (I think it was Kiki’s birthday? I remember we sang the happy birthday melody to him?) and a good few of the greatest hits (Tokio, Ona and VDG) we got our next taste of a new song live, Ako Toga Više Neće Biti, where Jan joined behind the piano (had not expected that for this song but oh well, it sounded good!). Then it was time to my favourite angst song (Everybody’s Waiting) before Bojan started making frames with his hands. What I gathered from my limited – cough nonexistent – serbian vocabulary, he was talking about having to look picture perfect and how that fits with the next song aka Plastika.

Katrina gave way into Mesto Duhov and as I had expected the song slaps live!! Especially the ‘papapapa’. Bojan got an acoustic guitar partway through the song and got us to play with the dynamics of the crowd’s singalong (or maybe more correctly put it; our volume) which was fun. The combination of Sonce and Vse Kar Vem hit hard especially for the person right behind me. She was so touched that she cried: I turned around and gave her a hug which I am not sure if helped or not. Gola sounded lovely as usual.

Another unfair pairing was Lips and Demoni since both featured Bojan being possessed by his inner growling beast and dang it gave me weak knees (almost as weak as those few more times I caught his eyes and felt my legs sink to the floor – oh and Nace held my eyes and smiled so heartwarmingly I started happy stimming. Jan and I had a fun little nonverbal interaction of cunty head movements so that was fun too). Speaking of cunt, Sta Bih Ja was just as county as always – I love seeing Bojan being so dramatic during this song!!!! I was surprised that we got Omamljeno Telo after that, but it fit the cunty vibe for sure.

Ne Bi Smel with Jure in front was also great and then we got to Carpe Diem. Everything seemed great until I realized that the boys had kind of wrapped up their set without having played Bluza!!! That didn’t seem right to me, especially since they had promised to play all the new songs for us on this tour. Luckily they went back for an encore containing three more outings, the first being my beloved Bluza. It is definitely different where the new version had Jan on keys and Bojan not playing around with the notes as much in the chorus yet I still enjoyed hearing it.

Umazane Misli was Umazane Misli – ngl I spend most of my time during the song tailing the guys still on stage to see what shenanigans they were up to while Bojan went to do karaoke with people. In best Joker Out fashion we ended with Novi Val where Bojan suddenly went away (I later learned he’d taken a selfie) leaving the other four to bathe in the spotlight. (below: Joker Out "ending" their set after Carpe Diem ... only to come back for an encore, unedited)

All in all the set was jam packed and omg people were generous with their gifts – I am so happy that most of the things thrown on stage were plushies and if people wanted the chance to gift them something more sturdy like sunglasses or bracelets that was given by hand. Not that I can say anything given my behavior at soundcheck.

I didn’t even try to get a setlist today. Instead, I went towards the merch to check out the goods and to hope to be near when the boys hopefully would come out to stamp us. There was some confusion about where to go but then we noticed two rows being made in front of security, so after paying for a shirt and a cd I went down in the back of one of these queues. Bojan also found his trumpet and played some notes for us (starting to sound pretty good!) yet I was too far back to actually see him.

I had taken my Bluza shirt off in hopes of getting it stamped and as soon I was in front the guys I immediately blurted out that I was the one making the shirts and when they acted positively to that information, I showed Bojan the ‘are you’ tattoo. He seemed very happy and seemed to recognize it from somewhere (although there is no way he could have, unless the sneaky bastard actually saw my story of it back in august without letting me know!!) He, Nace and I am pretty sure at least one more member – but I cannot recall who – giggly ‘are you’ed me when seeing the tattoo and I was so taken aback I blanked for a few seconds. Because of this I only managed to get three stamps before being thrown out by security (I guess the minute I took speaking with the guys was too long). The boys shouted ‘thank you for the shirts’ after me.

When the stamping was over another security person went to me and the fan I was talking to and handed us some setlists the band must’ve had in the back (the whole thing of the guy singling me out to gift the setlist to was what mostly threw me off but in a good way). Then the joker out car was driven up all the way up to the door where the guys immediately jumped inside after half a second of waving at us (all except Nace who took a few seconds to wave after I bid him goodbye). It was weird the windows of the car were see-through so we could see them sit down and fumble with the light inside before driving off.

As it often happens after a gig, we were a group hanging out just to gather our thoughts when we suddenly noticed Kiki moving around. One of the people in our group really wanted to talk with him yet was unsure how to approach him so I took the initiative to go and say hi. We got to chat a bit about the show and the tour where I sneaked in some ‘maybe consider denmark’ propaganda. Being prompted by another fan I also randomly started sharing the story about how I’ve been on stage with Käärijä two months before. After a good long talk – and a few pictures- we said goodbye to Kiki and later we also thanked Vita for the show when she got into the van. With the last of the crew driving off we finally dismantled the group and went home (none of us had wanted the day to end). I managed to get two hours of sleep before having to travel home to Denmark. Writing this I have a bit of a post-concert cold but otherwise I feel great and blessed once again. (below: me and Kiki, unedited)

Underneath here I’ve added a picture of all the merch, freebies and souvenirs I got from this trip. The Zagreb magnet is from Sunday when I went to a Christmas market around the capital while everything saying Slovenia or Ljubjana was from Monday where I had half a day in Joker Out’s city being a silly tourist. I also got a sticker for the Ljubjana gig the week before yet I can’t seem to find it so that sucks a bit. Thank you to everybody who gave me things whether it was a bracelet, a smile, a good conversation or in other ways contributed to me having a great time. I love you and here’s to hopefully more Joker Out gigs to come!! (don't mind it being upside down :'D)

[aihoshiino]

After reading the latest chapter, I found it intriguing that right after the panel where Ayumi says that "Back then, Ai was 8 or 9", the next panel has her state that "Ai had grown up to be a woman", despite her being still just a child. No one would call someone that age a grown woman. It's seems like she didn't view her daughter as a child at all (and neither did her creep of a boyfriend) and only saw her as some sort of love rival who's an adult like her even when she wasn't. Ai's mom clearly wasn't fit to be a mother at all since a good mother would've broke up with her boyfriend instead. And even in the way she speaks of herself in this chapter, it's as if she wants Aqua (and the readers) to feel sympathetic. Ayumi truly is an awfully selfish woman and unfortunately she had to be Ai's mother.

anon i literally woke up this morning cooking ayumi meta on exactly this topic in my head and then logged on to see this ask....... you and i shall have a spring wedding

That said, you're right on the money. What I loved so much about the writing of this scene is how intensely real Ayumi feels as a toxic mother. I feel like a lot of people were kind of expecting her to be this over the top cackling Mother Gothel type but like I said in my ch 131 initial writeup, the unfortunate reality is that this is how a lot of abusers look. Like normal ass, regular, pathetic people.

In particular, I really love how deep of an understanding we get of Ayumi's messed up, contradictory headspace just over the course of the four pages we spend with her. She recognizes that she did something terrible and hates herself, but she has surrendered to this sort of self-enforced helplessness with regard to her own issues and fucked up behaviours. She knows that she needs to improve but is self-defeating about her ability to do so and the whole thing turns into a self fulfilling prophecy where she refuses to put in the work because she believes she can't change to begin with but BECAUSE she doesn't put in the work, nothing changes, which reinforces her belief that she can't fix anything so she doesn't try and... you see how the snake starts eating its own tail?

At the same time, though, this surrendering to helplessness is a safety net for her as much as it is a mental trap. By framing her behaviour as something she is powerless to resist or to stop, she essentially frees herself of agency in Ai's abuse and neglect. Being violent towards her daughter is not something she frames as an active choice, but as something she would "wind up" doing, as if by accident or compelled by forces completely out of her control. Not only that, but it allows her to rewrite the narrative for herself with regards to her abandonment of Ai – since she is so helpless to stop her abuse of Ai, the daughter she loves so much, she just had no choice but to stay away. But she was totally going to go pick her up someday, definitely! Never fucking mind that Ai was left there for so long that she aged out of the system before Ayumi ever came back.

It's once Aqua challenges this assertion, though, that the cracks start to form. Though even before that, an attentive reader will obviously have some red flags up – after all, if Ayumi loves her daughter as much as she says she did, then why does Ai describe herself as a person who has never been loved by anyone? At age twelve, no less? That is not even REMOTELY close to a thought a well adjusted and cared for kid should be able to express, let alone sincerely think.

There's always been a theme in Oshi no Ko of Ai being pulled in all directions, in trying to be everything that everybody asked her to be, succeeding and being punished for it anyway. In my CH131 thoughts, I coined the phrase 'adultification' to describe the way adult agency and expectations are enforced on children who are too young as a method of abuse, a direct inverse of the way infantilization happens to adults. Part of the impossible expectations enforced on Ai were having these twin opposing forces of adultification and infantalization inflicted on her in a truly maddening way.

Specific to adultification, though, we over and over see other characters inflict adult agency and sexuality on Ai way before the point that any reasonable person would rationally think to do so. When describing her falling in love, Kaburagi says that her face, which had been that of a child, "turned into a woman's" at a time that we know she can only have been fifteen at the oldest.

45510 seconds this, with the narrator describing how this adultification is inflicted on many young girls in the industry;

"At the time, younger age groups were all the rage, but girls in their formative years could undergo rapid changes as they matured. Once they outgrew that youthful phase, they were evaluated the same way as "ordinary" women."

... only to turn around and do the same thing to Ai:

"Right from the beginning, she exuded a maturity beyond her years, and in the end, she retained a fresh-faced, youthful allure."

With all that in mind, it's not at all a shock that this echoes all the way back in time to the starting point of Ayumi's abuse of Ai. It's reprehensible, but it's also unfortunately deeply real – it is heartbreakingly common for victims of CSA to be blamed for their abuse, as if being victimized by adults is something they have any agency in.

In this instance too, Ayumi distances herself from her own agency and culpability in Ai's abuse. Look at how she frames things and the issues that she centers; it isn't her own insecurity, toxicity and violence that ruined things. It was Ai's beauty. Ai growing into a woman. That she can say such a thing without blinking betrays so clearly that for all she insists she loved her daughter, Ai was never really a child to her. And the moment she realized Ai was attracting the attention of a man, Ayumi didn't see her as a child being victimized but as a woman posing a threat, a romantic and sexual rival who needed to be beaten back into line and shown her place. Even her anger at Ai's stepfather is so, so telling – the framing makes it clear that her anger is not that of a woman raging against someone who posed a threat to their child, but as a woman resenting a man who was unfaithful to her.

For all that she cries and self flagellates, Ayumi basically lays it all out in her own words without even meaning to. She doesn't take responsibility for her own actions, nor does she even really frame them as being central to the chain of abuse that destroyed not just her family but robbed Ai of her life. Even through her tears, she pushes Ai to the forefront while framing her abuse as a thing that just "ended up" happening, that she was powerless to stop. When talking to Aqua about how she can't make amends, the word she uses in the Japanese text is actually 贖罪 – Atonement, the same character used as the chapter's title.

But the thing about atonement is that you can't atone for a sin you don't take responsibility for. And Ayumi makes it heartbreakingly clear that for all her regrets and her pain, she has not come close to taking responsibility for the harm she inflicted on her daughter. And even if she did? It's too late. Ai is gone.

It's just as Akane says. There's nothing here anymore.

[lai-mar]

You know, I really appreciate that you’re out here defending this widely hated relationship. Maybe it’s because the anime-only fans are a very vocal majority right now, but I’ve seen people who ‘watched the anime then read the manga’ *still* shit on Laios and Marcille’s friendship. Like you don’t have to ship it but if you deny that they care about each other or deny that they have chemistry, did you even read the comic?? ‘Oh they’re just siblings/siblings-in-law!’ have you ever had a sibling. have you ever had a sibling-in-law. they do not act like siblings they act like *intimate* best friends. ‘Ridiculously comfortable around each other’ best friends. They have a relationship outside of Falin, that is what develops over the entire damn story. 90 chapters. What comic were you reading where you think Marcille can barely stand him.

Thanks for the ask! Very cathartic to see this. About to go on another rant again lol (will be repeating some of my old points but yeah I need to get it out of my system)

"Defending widely hated relationship" + "anime-only fans are a very vocal majority"

Okay, let me play devil's advocate for a second here. Let's say I despise L/M as a ship and it squicks me out greatly and I think it's a boring ship of pairing the male lead and the female lead. What should I do? Obviously go into L/M posts and argue about it instead of blocking the tag and stating my stance my calmly when someone asks me like your average fan who knows how to curate their fandom experience.

Okay, more devil's advocating. I despise L/M as a ship but I have read the manga and engaged with it critically and understood its themes. Which means I like L+M as a friendship in the same way I like the themes of eating and life cycle and the friendship between the party and the worldbuilding. Because all of these are core parts of the story told. So what I do is to block all shippers and ship tag and look for platonic fics and fanart like Your Average Fan Who Curates Their Experience.

Like I'm sorry. I genuinely feel some people are so caught up in the intense fanonisation of DM that they start forgetting about canon. And I KNOW I am not the only one feeling this way because I read the notes on my posts and other people's posts and there's a lot of good thoughts on this. Plenty of people appreciate them. But to some people in the wider fandom, are we reading the same manga? Our male lead and female lead are friends who save each other. They are not together canonically. So canonically, they don't even get into the way of shipping?????? People can have important intimate friendships outside of romance??? And it's a canon well established friendship? I would say it's one of the most well developed dynamics in the series that we see? We get shown and not told? We see images and words and interpret them in our brains?

Devil's advocate level 3. Let's say mainstream fanonisation of DM is real. F/M is a canon ship and they get together and they get married in the end and L+M become sibling in laws. Maybe L/K is a thing. This still does not erase the entire journey L+M and co went on to save Falin. This still does not erase their friendship and chemistry.

"‘Oh they’re just siblings/siblings-in-law!’ have you ever had a sibling. have you ever had a sibling-in-law."

Okay. I do have a sibling. At this point I've long accepted this much be some sort of cultural difference and some weird American / Western thing I am not used to. And the hilarious thing about DM is that we do get canon siblings!!! It's the fucking premise! Falin and Laios!! And they're fun!

I'm sorry but this must be some cultural difference. Like no younger sibling is calling their older sibling by their GIVEN NAME. The sheer disrespect. I'll be scandalised. As a person with a sibling I don't understand the fandomisation of making non related people siblings in fanon? I'm calling my friends my friends, not siblings. My sibling is like a sibling to me. My friends are like friends to me. Idk. I've written the word sibling so many times that it doesn't seem like a word anymore.

Obviously these are just my personal thoughts but I feel like objectively, there has been a fandomwide trend of grabbing a canon friendship between a man and a woman and going "THEY ARE SO SIBLINGS CORE XD" (not siblings in canon) (not related) (don't even look similar) (they're friends). A lot of times this is valid and even fun but sometimes I get the feeling people sometimes push the fanon sibling thing to show they're squicky about them romantically. To which I can only say: a man and a woman can genuinely only be friends. If you need to magically make them related so you / other people won't see their friendship romantically... it feels like a step back. Why are we doing heteronormativity.

I think I'm the type of person who enjoys and mains man + woman friendships in fandoms (which are, unsurprisingly, unpopular as ships and even as friendships until I start spreading propaganda and pumping fics on Ao3), and I think one of the things that get me is. A man who could be attracted to women + a woman who could be attracted to men having great chemistry but staying friends. I want to stress this is different from a man who is not interested in women / romance + a woman who is not interested in men / romance because there is almost zero chance of a reciprocal romantic relationship going on. But for the first case, which I feel like many people dumb down to "straight people shipping", it's even more precious for them to stay friends and not give into the heternormative expectations despite one or both of them possibly (but not necessarily) being heterosexual. Like, here are two people who could date each other but they're like "nah we work better as friends, so we stay friends". To me, this is one fantastic argument for friendship. Not everything has to be romantic. Even better if they considered and thought about the logistics, but decide their relationship is more special non romantically. Having a taste of how their relationship could go and going "thanks, but no thanks". Is this not a great display of sincere and stable friendship compared to people going "lol they can't work as a ship because they simply physically cannot tolerate the thought of each other romantically". I'm rambling here but I feel like this is what I feel across various dynamics and fandoms. At this point, I think somehow non romantic relationships genuinely fascinate me more than ships. Save me QPR save me.

"They have a relationship outside of Falin"

I feel like some manga readers have missed the point so badly when it comes to this. It's hilarious. They have a relationship outside of Falin it's the whole fucking point about coming to terms with grief and death! You know, one of the core themes of this story that you finished!

And of course this doesn't erase the love they have for Falin. Falin is clearly beloved and their main motivation, but hilariously enough (for the L+M deniers), the manga shows Laios and Marcille's "true" innermost desires being granted and it's not about reviving Falin even though they both clearly want her back and it's at the forefront of their minds. Laios turns into a monster. His curse isn't about Falin not coming back (even though that was his immediate thought), it's about him not being able to interact with monsters ever again. Marcille was traumatised by what happened to Falin (nightmare chapter) but when she turns into a dungeon lord, she goes about trying to fix the lifespans, showing her fear of loneliness and all her loved ones (NOT just a single person!!!!!!!!) dying before her. You can argue they didn't revive Falin with magic lord powers because they don't trust the lion / trust their own plan of eating her, but I think the manga focuses enough on their desires for the interpretation of "the lion fulfills their innermost desires that define their existence" to work. Marcille is the one who finds Laios first after he turned back and Laios broke Marcille free from the lion's influence etc etc we know they play a part in each other's arcs. Laios says they wouldn't be on this journey if Falin hadn't been digested. Marcille says in the end she was okay with Falin not being brought back this time. Laios invites Marcille to stay with him. It's in the text.

"Boring straight ship" or whatever

This comes from what a friend said about my main duo of another fandom but it's like "why isn't [ship] more popular" "because it's easy to fall into the boring trope of pairing a man and a woman together".

And this is a thing that does happen! But not to pairings with strong canon foundation and chemistry sorry. Don't look at me, look at canon. A male/female ship with good canon support is a good ship. Why are you surprised. People like shipping characters who spend lots of time together saving each other and all that. Dare I say: sometimes (sometimes) shipping "straight people" is more respectful to their canon friendship than shoehorning them as siblings. Which I believe is true in the case of L+M.

Anyways. Well that was a nice angry rant. Sorry I had to get it out of my system. I've spend too much time writing this so I won't be doing much proofreading lol. If you've reached this point, thanks for reading <3

[underestimated-heroine]

sure this has been said before and said better, but we get into dicey territory talking about romantic/sexual preferences--or "types"--a lot of the time because...well firstly, the subject is obviously intensely personal, but also because quite frequently what's happening isn't:

someone has a preference/type

they are hated for it.

but instead:

someone has a preference/type

they go around talking about it in inappropriate settings and in ways that are hurtful; badgering people and even "testing" them (ex. demanding to know if they're "bad" for not liking [x])

people are disgusted, hurt by them, wary of them...and well, yeah, maybe hate them (especially when systemic oppression plays such a significant role in influencing one's "type.")

to me the most revealing element of this is the power dynamics that are almost always at play; people only get away with it safely if they're "type"-badgering one way...and it ain't up. it reminds me of a well-spotted maxim i read about here the other day:

I’m especially interested in how people police each other’s reactions, and how the accumulation of that policing at the individual and societal level leads us to start policing our own, with disastrous results. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The “national pastime” in the USA isn’t baseball, it’s debating exactly how much other people are allowed to react to something that hurts and upsets them. There’s almost a formula in play, where, the more power I have (or assume I have) relative to you, the more I expect you to keep your reactions to the things I do to you to a decorous mumble that I can safely ignore without having to change anything about myself (but also, the louder I will yell about how “dramatic” and “over-sensitive” you are). 

women can tell you they absolutely don't safely get away with saying they prefer certain things in men. no matter how carefully or how long they avoid hurting anyone, giving the truth demanded of them will very likely lead to anger, manipulation tactics, and quite possibly abuse and violence.

trans women not being considered "allowed" to be "picky" is a major vehicle of transmisogynistic abuse. this is how and why so many trans women are preyed on by violent men. "they're just grateful for anything, "they'll do anything to please", "nothing's off limits"...these are common fallback lines of the transmysoginistic predator. a trans woman who defies this by rejecting someone for not being her type, no matter how nicely, is in a very scary position.

we hear white people say they're "not into black people" all the time. not only is it much more commonly said and accepted than when black folks say they don't want to date white people, but white people are incredibly eager to condemn black preferences overall, barging in on discussions which are really intracommunal.

and radfems use "type"-badgering to "prove" the "men" (trans women) who get angry and upset at them for doing this are "violent misogynists", that "maleness" is violence, and to indoctrinate each other. stories of the angry reactions their "type"-badgering got, screenshots from lgbtq+ spaces where people "ganged up on them" for saying they don't date trans women (usually they also said something along the lines of "i can tell when they're trans") are passed around in radfem spaces as Evidence that the Shadow of Maleness is infiltrating womanhood and preying on them...

...yet they're the ones invoking the maxim.

and sure enough, they are not going to cishet male-dominated spaces to do so. they are "type"-badgering specifically in queer/trans-inclusive spaces. functionally, it is nothing more than reactionary maintenance of a power structure which benefits them, and a bid to provide depth to the sense/fear of victimhood they've externalized and phenomenalized (this is a big part of why we say just don't engage.)

these are just a few examples, obviously. the last one is a good chunk of the reason i really made this post. because despite the fact that i'm sure most of us feel all this should go without saying, or can be shortened to "don't be an asshole", i really think it's relevant enough to the conversation about transphobia and exclusionism in leftist & queer spaces that it does need to be addressed, and probably more often.