#has anybody ever experienced that obsession where you had to go back to a particular fanfic even though you HATED what you saw lol

[mysticbeaver]

Looking back it's funny how the very few times I lost my shit reading fanworks/blogs involved other people's takes on Kevin's character and they were really good anyway lmao

[drewcline]

A TASTE OF FRIDA 01, jj.m

AHHHH! First part where I explain a lot of things so I hope is not boring lol. Anyway kinda insecure as always but I hope it’s good. Enjoyy! Also let me know what you think!

Frida Montgomery did not know when she realized she was in love with JJ Maybank.

Maybe it was when he took care of her Dalmatian puppy when her family—herself included—had to go away for a week to visit some important person, Frida thinks it was the CEO of an important hotel but is not completely sure, when her parents completely forgot about the dog living in their own house.

Maybe it was that one time they had gotten out of bed because they were hungry and tried to cook some pancakes in her kitchen. The key word being “tried” since none of them were exactly Gordon Ramsay and had burnt most of them, but she remembers how much he had made her laugh that evening.

Or maybe—and most definitely—it had been the first day she met him. On the beach, at a party she had not wanted to attend since she was not a big fan of drinking or smoking and was way too shy to dance with strangers, but she had been way too mesmerized when she first gazed into his indigo orbs to deny his advances.

Why? JJ Maybank did absolutely not go for girls like her. She was not exactly skinny neither had a lot of curves. She did not have the desired flat belly, nor the big ass or the round boobs and let’s not mention the cellulite on her thighs. Her personality was also a big no in his book. Frida was awkward, shy, silent and a prude.

JJ Maybank and Frida Montgomery were polar opposites. Yet she had felt driven towards the boy when he had asked her to dance.

“Hi there, Frida right? You seem kinda lonely.” His smooth tone was carried by the wind on that particular night. When the girl did not immediately answer—since she was worried thinking on why the hell JJ was talking to her—the golden boy cleared his throat in an awkward and uncomfortable manner. “Come on! Dance with me! Live a little!”

He took both of her clammy hands on his calloused ones, making the quiet girl stand up and trip over her own feet.

“Wow there-“ He laughed and his eyes shined a little thanks to light reflected by the full moon. Frida blushed and stuttered a response.

“Sorry, I-I, uh, I’m kinda awkward if you haven’t already noticed?”

Frida internally cursed herself. Why. Why. Why did she had to make a fool out of herself when probably the most handsome guy on Outer Banks was asking her to dance.

Thankfully, JJ did not seem to mind and brushed it off with the movement of his hand, taking her waist with both of his tanned and naked arms. She reminded herself that, she was beautiful and confident and that is who she had to be to wrap her arms around his neck, taking a step closer to him, looking directly into his eyes. Something gleamed on them but was gone in a second.

She did not remember the rest of the night, regardless of the fact that she was sober. She felt drunk. Drunk off his heated gaze, or maybe his hands on every bit of her skin, his whispers on her ear. The tone of his voice, the warm touch that made her feel like a goddess, the secrecy and forbidden aspect of their dances and conversations, Frida does not know what made her do what she did next. It’s not like herself, she remembers thinking. But fuck, she does not regret kissing him.

JJ remembers the touch of her pale pink lips on his. It was not the best kiss he had ever experienced, but something about how Frida had looked at him before taking the courage to place her mouth on his had him rolling his eyes backwards. It was a slow kiss. Mouths barely opened, both of their hands holding each other’s faces closer. A romantic kiss that had him infatuated with the feeling in a nanosecond.

Why the hell had he not been kissed like that before? The passion, the intimacy of it, he couldn’t believe Frida Montgomery was the one making him feel so many different emotions at the same time.

That night, Frida had let JJ into her bedroom. First boy that had entered her favorite place in the world, and when the kisses had started to get a little bit more heated, when he had touched her thigh and moved up and up and up, she did not stop him. That night she lost her virginity to JJ Maybank.

“Wait woah-wait. You sure?” His raspy voice had asked her naked figure underneath him.

“Yeah, virginity is a burden I want to get rid of it and you are like...a sex expert or something right? So just do it.” Her confidence faltered when she met his eyes. Was that concern she noticed on his ocean eyes? “Only if you want to, of course.” Shyness replacing confidence.

He scoffed and leaned down to place a gentle bite on her already marked neck thanks to the kisses he had placed on a secluded spot at the beach. “Of course I want to. But I don’t want you to regret your first time. So, I’m only doing this if you promise me you are completely sure you won’t hate my guts tomorrow morning or when you eventually meet the guy you wanna marry.”

“Or girl.”

“Huh?”

“Guy or girl I wanna marry.” Frida looked almost conflicted but JJ did not look disgusted, turned on or like she was joking. He placed a sweet kiss on her collarbone and nodded. “Or girl.”

She smiled then, and he smiled back before taking off his boxers.

That night, it had been the start of their secret relationship. Completely platonical. No feelings, just sex. At least for the boy, because Frida had to pretend that the Pogue was just the distraction she needed in her monotonous life and had to swallow the bitter feeling she felt when she watched JJ take other girls home.

It was okay—she repeated that sentence like a mantra—she was okay with being just friends with benefits. Were they even friends? Frida liked to think so, even though if he sometimes disappeared in the middle of the night when they were done, or when he acted as he didn’t know her when Sarah and herself passed the Pogue’s boat and his friends threw disgusted looks their way. It did not made her feel like trash or tear her insides apart.

It was not his fault. They both agreed the next morning of that special night that it was just a distraction for their shitty lifes. She had agreed. She had yearned for his touch, his company, something different from her already planned life. Something that would make her parents, Marie and Donald Montgomery, have a heart attack.

Frida did not hate her parents, at least she was trying hard not to. Their conservatives ideals and obsession for controlling every aspect of hers and her younger brother Sean’s lives, of only 4, made the aspect of not wanting to run away very hard.

The morning after the night she realized her period was late, Frida was on a baby blue sundress with Sarah Cameron—her lost sister—, her annoying but yet hot brother Rafe and her boyfriend Topper. They were on a picnic and if she was being honest, everything made her want to puke, or maybe it was the fact that Sarah and Topper were practically doing it in front of her.

“So, Frida.” Rafe Cameron’s tone could not mean good things. It was a teasing one, the one that he uses to taunt the Pogues or Topper when he is being his usual whipper-for-Sarah self. “I see you are not eating. Is it because you have gained weight or—”

“Excuse me?” Frida’s words were interrupted by the blonde beauty in front of her.

“Rafe! What the actual fuck!” Sarah gasped, mouth opened while fury was reflected on her beautiful eyes. She stood up, making her boyfriend look up with puppy eyes full of adoration for her. “You are such a disgusting pig. Come on Frida.” The mentioned girl got up at her command and intertwined their arms like they always did. “I’m so sorry! I knew it was a bad idea to bring him along but he told me he wanted to come and—”

Frida looked at her best friend with a pity look. “It’s okay babes, really.” It wasn’t. Frida had struggled with body image since she was 13 and Sarah knew it but she was not going to let the blonde feel guilty over her own insecurities and over something her brother had said. “I mean it’s true that I have gained a little bit of weight and it’s not your fault. I don’t want you to feel guilty over his words, okay honey?”

“But it is not okay! Also, it doesn’t matter that you have gained weight! So what! It’s your body! He doesn’t have the right to comment on it or anybody, really. Ugh!”

The princess Kook screamed at her irritation towards the attitude of her brother and paused when she felt Frida’s stiffness. Her freckled face had gained a bit of baby fat and her round cheeks were tinted by a red blush.

“Listen about the weight thing, it, uh, it may be about something else. Uh—it’s just, it’s kinda complicated but—” Sarah’s eyebrows furrowed to demonstrate her confused state. “So, I have this fear right now that—” Frida giggled, almost like it was a stupid thing, to be afraid of falling pregnant at the age of 16. “—anyway, and don’t freak out but, my period is very late and I have been throwing up every morning and, I have the urge to eat a lot of things at 3AM. And my period is fucking late as fuck Sarah and my parents are going to kill me.”

“No way. There’s no way, right?” Sarah looked at Frida with an indescribable look in her eyes. One of disbelief. “Tell me you have been careful with whoever you were sleeping with—Frida, oh my God.”

The freckled young girl bit her lip in hesitation. “One month ago, we were on his job’s bathroom and he didn’t have condoms with him bu-but I’m taking the pill!”

“Okay, okay. Let’s not freak out. Maybe it’s a virus or maybe you have been stressed about the Midsummer’s organization and that has upset your stomach.”

Both of the girls looked at each other with mixed emotions swimming in their orbs.

“Whatever it is and whatever happens next, you know you have me, right? I’m not going anywhere Frida.”

Tears of relief escaped through the Montgomery’s brown eyes. She stopped walking and with shaking knees sat on the green grass. She could hear the buzzing of insects and some of the mud on the floor had stained her expensive dress. She did not want to say it, but she wasn’t sure JJ would stay by her side if she was pregnant and the thought of her parents supporting her during the pregnancy seemed laughable.

“Thank you. Really. I-I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t even know how I’m gonna tell JJ that-”

“JJ?” Sarah’s voice was full of incredulity and a bitterness Frida had not heard before. “Kiara Carrera’s friend?”

Frida nodded, not finding the right words to justify her secret affair with the blonde surfer. She knew Sarah did not have the best relationship with the Carrera girl and her friends but hoped that—if JJ decided that he wanted to be involved—they could get along for her sake.

Sarah sighed and the green dress with white dots she was wearing that day shifted with the exaggerated movement. She grabbed her hand and caressed the exterior of it to calm the quiet girl. “Let’s go.”

To say buying pregnancy tests when you were 16 in a small island where everyone knew absolutely everybody was awkward was an understatement. The 40-year-old thinned-lip woman threw a judgemental look her way when Sarah asked for a box of pregnancy tests. When she disappeared to get them, Frida narrowed her eyes and muttered under her breath.

“Well, thank you for your understanding, you are making this so much easier for me right now woman.”

With the tests on her hand, both of the teenagers quickly moved through town to arrive at Tannyhill. Now, on Sarah’s bathroom, everything seemed to be on slow-motion. Her heartbeat, however, was beating too fast. Way too fast. Frida was sitting on the closed toilet with her best friend in between her knees, their hands intertwined and even though the AC was on, a drop of sweat could be seen travel down Frida’s temple. The alarm on their phones beeped at the exact moment, signifying the moment of truth.

“Do you want me to look at it?”

“No.” Frida hated the fact that she had to face the consequences of her mistake but if her dad had taught her something was to be responsible. An advice she had ignored when JJ had been kissing her on that bathroom stall and his fingers were inside her. Now, the astronomical mistake was there, in front of her eyes.

“Positive.”

tags: @teamnick @lolitstiana @ssjiara @outerbankslut

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #429

“i’m just a bad luck charm to blame when things go wrong”

Are all-nighters something you have grown used to? God no. I have those SO rarely. I don't know how I used to do it. Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? I don't have sunglasses, and my driving permit has long since expired. Is there ever a time that you enjoy cold showers? COLD, no. A tad chilly, very rarely. I have to be burning the hell up. What clothes are you most comfortable in? Men's pj pants and tank tops. Is there anybody you’re not ashamed to tell anything to? No, not anything. Have you ever unbuttoned someone else's pants? Yes. Are you good at painting nails? Nooooo. My hands are way too shaky. If it’s late at night and you’re hungry, what do you reach for? Usually a granola bar or piece of bread, lol. What word should you really probably remove from your vocabulary? I don't know. I don't really use any words I find wrong/offensive. Will you eat something if it falls on the ground? NOOOOOOOO SIR. Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? God no. I'm not a vegetable fan. Do you see the value in education? Of course I do. Are you more physically flexible or situationally flexible? bitch neither lmao Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? I don't have one now, but my mom knows of some things from the past. Do you make an effort to eat healthy? Yeah. I could try harder, but I do try. Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/boyfriend? Pretty much. I wasn't an official resident, but I was essentially always there and just counted as a guest, I guess. Would you ever be a stripper? No way in hell. Can you honestly say that you love yourself? No. Do you think that you’ve ever actually been IN love with someone? I don't just "think" it, I know very goddamn well that I was. Have you ever done a psychedelic drug? If not, would you ever consider it? No and no. Did you ever see the movie Good Burger when it came out? Not when it came out, but I've seen it and love it. How often do you clear your browser history? Never. Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Yeah man, gourmet shit. Do you consider yourself a burden to anyone? Why do you feel this way? I absolutely do. I'm just a leech at home. A financial burden to my parents since I'm unemployed. I have a lot wrong with me that my mom has to deal with. Who was the last person to carry you? Why were they carrying you? Probably Jason, realistically. I'm probably too heavy for anyone in my life to carry me now, and there hasn't ever really been a reason to besides him just being cute many years ago. Are you a clingy kind of person? If so, how has this affected your past relationships? I know I am. I'm lucky that I don't think it really affected any. I'm not OBSESSIVELY clingy at least, just moderately so. Have you ever witnessed someone drowning? Did you help in any way? Jesus, no. Have you ever felt like you just weren’t enough for someone? Who in your life has made you feel that way? I absolutely have. No one like... intentionally made me feel like that, I just felt it due to my own self-doubt. The times I've felt that that I remember have been in my only two serious relationships, but not endlessly. I'd just do something stupid and feel like it for a while. Have you ever been at a party where the cops came due to complaints?No. What were you doing the last time you spent a night away from home (or wherever you regularly reside)? I was having a sleep study to determine whether or not I had sleep apnea. Where do you like to sit when you’re on the computer? In my bed. Do you feel as though you’re good at understanding/communicating with animals? Absolutely. Are photographs important to you? Do you like to take a lot of pictures? Not incredibly important, because nothing is quite like actually experiencing that moment, but I definitely like to have some of major events. I honestly don't take a lot of pictures documenting my own life, but rather like nature and stuff. And when people pay me to take family/couple/child photos for them. Would you rather hike through the desert, the prairies, the forest, or the tundra? The forest, for sure. So long as I had my camera. If you could reconnect with someone from your past, who would it be and why? Guess. -_- What was the last game you played? Was anyone else playing with you? Do you prefer to play games alone or with others? World of Warcraft. And well, it's an MMO, so you're playing with what, thousands of other people? I mostly do solo content though, but I do usually chat with guildies when I'm on because I'm close and comfortable with them. What is the longest distance you’ve walked in a day? Idk, but definitely far. Do you prefer homemade food or restaurant food? Restaurant, sadly. What was the last new food you tried? Ummm... I want to say sweet potatoes, back at Thanksgiving. I didn't hate them, but they were okay. What is your most recent regret? I dunno, probably something really minor like eating/drinking something unhealthy. What was the last unexpected thing to happen to you? How did you react? I guess that would be the sleep apnea diagnosis. At least, that was the last big one. I can't think of anything in-between. I was very shocked, even doubtful that the results were reliable. But given how my APAP mask has almost completely solved my nightmare issue, I think it's safe to say it's correct. Name your three closest friends. Sara, Girt, and uhhh... Sam. Do you get excited or annoyed when the phone rings? Annoyed, honestly, lol. Do you prefer writing poems or stories? I prefer writing RP, which is pretty much just gradually writing stories. What pisses you off more than anything? Probably rapists, specifically when children are the victims. It's just... so, so repulsive and unforgivable to me. Like I don't understand how a human being could possibly be so diabolical as to scar someone like that. What’s the appropriate age to have sex? I think you should be adults, honestly, given the risk of pregnancy. Not that I followed that, so I can't really talk, and I know most people don't either. When you're really in love with someone and have a sexual side, it's kinda... hard to avoid 'til you're 21. Is there anybody you’re really jealous of? It's so stupid, I'll probably always be so jealous of the girl Jason dated after me. Even though I know they're not even together anymore (well, last I heard a few years ago). Is pornography evil or are you neutral about it? Meh. I'm not into it, but I don't think it's necessarily evil. I personally don't get sex without emotional commitment, but you do you, so long as you are both consenting adults being safe about it. Do you prefer to be monogamous, or are you more a casual dater or swinger? I'm strictly monogamous. I'd be way too jealous to share a partner with someone, and then there's the heightened risk of STDs, too. Have you ever had a crush on more than one person at once? Do you now? Yes, but I don't now. Who is your favorite relative? Excluding my immediate family, Uncle Rob. He is so damn funny. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? I know I would, realistically. Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? No. What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? It SUCKED while actually doing it, but I'm very satisfied having done around 20 minutes of cardio today at the gym. Cardio is something I 110% need in my life. Have you had any beer this week? I've never had beer. I hate the smell of it, and it's associated with memories of my dad as an alcoholic anyway. Could you cry right now? Nah, I'm in a good mood. If you could see one person right now, who would it be? I'd honestly love to hang with Sara again. Do you wear contacts? No, but I wish I did versus glasses, contacts are just WAY too tedious. What color shirt are you wearing? It's a dark teal. Song playing right now? Ha, I am STILL obsessed with Powerwolf's (but with Alissa White-Gluz's vocals) "Demons Are a Girl's Best Friend." Do you wear the seat belt in the car? Absolutely always. Please, please, wear your seat belt. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else? Yes. There was a kid at dance who, from behind, thought I was his mother and he just ran up and hugged me from behind and I nearly had a heart attack. Do you like the color orange? Yeah; it reminds me of Halloween. Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else? Not really entirely someone else, but a much better version of myself. What is the weather like today? It's hot as shit and pretty hazy. Do you want any piercings? UGH like you have no idea. Have you given anything up for Lent? No. You do what you want, but I honestly think it's a dumb concept. Would you rather go to a rock concert or a rap concert? Rock, for certain. Have you ever dated someone that was a different race than you? Yeah; Juan was Hispanic. How old is your best friend? She's 23. What does your favorite necklace look like? It's a spiked choker with some dangling chains. It's fuckin' hot. Are you keeping a secret from anyone? I don't like the wording here. I don't have anything I'm hiding from someone in particular, and nothing they need to know at all. I just have a few inconsequential secrets I just don't share with anyone. Would you take a million dollars if it meant you had to die a month later? Uh, no thank you. Do you keep any type of diary or journal? You could say surveys are like snippets of a diary of sorts for me. I share a lot and use them to vent and just jabber on about my thoughts and feelings without exactly burdening anyone with them. What was the last thing that made you really happy? I'VE LOST A POUND SO FAR AT THE GYM!!!! :') It's been just one week, I know, big whoop, but it means A LOT to me. Prior to this, the numbers had just been gradually creeping up and up... but not anymore! :D Can you remember what you dreamed about last night? Very vaguely? Or maybe that was the night before's dream... Have you ever gotten kicked out of a class for being disruptive? Definitely not. I was a well-behaved, quiet student. Have you ever injected a drug? Noooo. Do you think the whole day is better if you smoke pot? I've never smoked. Last time you killed a bug? A while back when an ant walked over my laptop. Are you wearing perfume? What kind? No. The last male you spoke to… is he attractive? That would be my personal trainer, and yeah, he's very handsome.

[ihearthorror]

My Top 10 Favourite Horror Films of 2020

Every January, most people who review or talk about movies on YouTube tend to piece together a Top 10 list of their favourite movies from the year prior. In order to stand out from the crowd (and also because I was too lazy to do this sooner), I decided to wait until March, by which time most YouTubers aren’t really talking about movies from 2020 anymore.

I know what you’re thinking: sounds kinda stupid – why would anybody care about a Top 10 list of the best movies of 2020…THREE months into the new year!? Well, as you’ve likely heard, 2020 was a year like no other, and as result of the ongoing global pandemic, movie release dates from 2020 were pushed back months, sometimes multiple times. Some films that were supposed to be released last year didn’t arrive until 2021, even though they’re officially considered “2020 films,” according to their profiles on websites like IMBD and Letterboxd.

And so, some of these so-called “2020 films” were not available (at least to me) until only recently, such as Saint Maud or The Dark and the Wicked. I feel like I’ve now had a chance to see almost all of the horror films I’ve wanted to see from last year. In this video, if you care to stick around, I will share with you my Top 10 favourite horror films of 2020. So, here we go…

#10/ The Dark and the Wicked:

A sister and brother return to the family homestead where their father is slowly dying and their mother is understandably distraught but also disturbed and distant. The siblings soon realize that something evil has invaded their family home as they are terrorized by whatever is slowly killing their father. Directed by the same guy behind 2008’s The Strangers, The Dark and the Wicked is at times bleak and unsettling, and it does a good job at keeping you intrigued in this family’s unnerving conflict. However, it felt a bit rushed and undeveloped at other times, and its ending left me somewhat unsatisfied.

#9/ Relic:

Soon after Kay and her daughter Sam return to their remote family home following the disappearance of the family matriarch, the widowed Edna, they discover that something sinister has taken hold of both Edna and the house itself. Although Relic – which was co-produced by Jake Gyllenhaal and marked the feature directorial debut for Natalie Erika James – isn’t exactly offering up any enticing twists or salacious gore, or even a original concept for that matter, it relies on evoking dread and building tension to compel its audience to stay invested until the bitter end.

#8/ Amulet:

Taking its sweet time to unravel, Amulet is centered around Tomaz, an ex-soldier who is now homeless but is offered a place to stay at a decaying house in London, which is inhabited by a beautiful young woman named Magda and her dying mother. As the story moves along, we see that Tomaz is starting to develop feelings for Magda, who seems a bit…off. His feelings for her don’t wane even after Tomaz discovers that there’s something insidious going on in the attic of the house, where Magda’s mother is seemingly imprisoned. Toss in a suspicious nun and you’ve got yourself a creepy little film that seems to have fallen between the cracks.

#7/ The Beach House:

One might argue that not a lot actually happens in The Beach House and that the payoff isn’t worth the investment, but if you go into this film with an open mind and zero expectations, you should at least be satisfied. Two troubled college students head to a deserted beach getaway to spend some time together, but end up struggling to survive alongside some unexpected guests as a mysterious infection disrupts their holiday. Although it is a slow build up to the film’s climax, it is a tense and intriguing ride along the way, as a series of unsettling events give way to an apocalyptic episode that feels almost like a throwback to the sci-fi films of the 1950s. Making his feature film directorial debut, Jeffrey A. Brown elicits with The Beach House those brooding existential thoughts that lay dormant in the deep boroughs of our minds. 

#6/ The Invisible Man:

There’s always an elevated risk when making a modern film based on an old story that has already been told through cinema numerous times before. The last time H.G. Wells’ 1897 novel The Invisible Man had been adapted by Hollywood was in 2000’s Hollow Man, which was panned by critics despite making a sizeable profit. The 2020 adaptation is far superior and is perhaps the best adaptation of Wells’ classic in any medium. Elizabeth Moss gives a stellar performance that draws real emotion, so that we agonize alongside her as she is essentially haunted by a relentless ghost hellbent on controlling every aspect of her life. We live in an era when technology has advanced enough to bring this 124-year-old story to life like never before, while a polished script and an exceptional lead performance gives The Invisible Man a deeper level of emotion and terror.

#5/ Saint Maud:

For most of Saint Maud it is unclear whether certain experiences are actually happening in reality for the main character or if it’s all simply in her head, as some sort of mental breakdown caused by a work-related tragedy. Maud is a young hospice nurse and a newly-converted Roman Catholic who suddenly becomes obsessed with “saving the soul” of the woman she is currently taking care of, Amanda, a hedonistic dancer with a chronic illness. Maud’s behaviour worsens, as does her mental state, as horrific scenes and visions make us question if she’s actually losing her mind or experiencing something beyond this world. Saint Maud is an A24 feature by the way, so that should be enough to know what you’re getting here in terms of quality.

#4/ The Lodge:

Isolation is often embraced as a way to pad a horror film’s fear factor, and it works especially here in The Lodge, as a soon-to-be stepmom becomes stranded at a remote holiday home in the middle of winter with her fiance’s two children. The kids begin to untangle the dark past of their stepmom-to-be and a series of disturbing events transpire as their hope for survival fades. The Lodge is a dreary, atmospheric slow burn that leaves you somewhat unsettled. With its wintry backdrop, stylish sequences, and almost claustrophobic dread, the film doesn’t ever allow its audience to feel at ease for long, insisting that an underlying foreboding remain intact throughout. Although I found the ending somewhat disappointing, I immediately began to concoct a possible prequel that would delve into the backstory of the film’s lead character. One can hope.

#3/ Host:

It’s increasingly difficult to be innovative and original when it comes to horror films these days, especially in the particular genre of so-called “found footage.” Rob Savage’s Host, however, comes off as something different, setting itself apart from most films in this realm in various ways. It centers around six friends who hold a séance via Zoom during a COVID lockdown, guided (at first) by a medium they hired. The séance then takes a dark turn and things soon escalate into madness. Sure, there are elements in Host that are prevalent in numerous horror films, but it uses a modern and topical way to implement them, while also refusing to overstay its welcome by cueing the credits less than an hour in. Overall, this film’s popcorn-and-Saturday-night-movie fun factor is why it ranks so high on this list.

#2/ Possessor:

It’s always a treat to come across an original idea, especially when it’s within the horror realm, and Possessor is certainly unlike anything else I’ve seen in awhile. Andrea Riseborough plays an elite corporate assassin who uses brain-implant technology to take control over other people’s bodies in order to kill high profile targets, though with every mission she gets further and further away from her true self. With her latest possession, she becomes trapped in the mind of a man who threatens to obliterate her for good. It is a provocative vision by director-writer Brandon Cronenberg, who just so happens to be the son of legendary Canadian filmmaker David Cronenberg, and it serves as a disturbing piece of dystopian fiction that is even more frightening because it isn’t too far beyond belief.

And because everyone else is doing it, here are five honorable mentions that narrowly missed the list:

- The Call

- Color Out of Space

- Don’t Listen

- The Mortuary Collection

- Porno

#1/ His House:

In addition to its emotional storytelling and genuine moments of terror, His House – from first-time director Remi Weekes – sheds a light on the plight of refugees in a way that feels both respectful and empathetic. After a Sudanese couple make a harrowing escape from their war-torn homeland, they are granted asylum in England, where they struggle to adjust and fit in. They are assigned a shabby house on the outskirts of London, where the couple begin to experience terrifying and unexplainable events. His House is built around a fresh concept, two fantastic leads, and some truly haunting imagery, and I wish that more horror directors would put as much effort into quality filmmaking as Weekes did here. If this is his first venture into feature filmmaking, I am excited to see what his future has in store. 

There you have it, my Top 10 favourite horror films of 2020. What did you think and were any of these titles on your own Top 10 list? Please tell me your thoughts and recommendations in the comments below.

[aceofwhump]

Submitted by anon:

Hey! 

Sorry if this is all just a rambling mess or too personal to even be asking you in the first place (if so, please feel free to ignore away) but I’ve been questioning a lot lately whether or not I might be asexual & I was just curious about how you knew you were? I keep going through moments (especially after reading about other people’s experiences in the whump community) of thinking for certain that I am but then I end up thinking things over and doubting it.

I can say for certain that I do find people hot/handsome/attractive/sexy/yada yada but I can’t really tell whether that’s in a sexual way or not? I don’t really ever look at a person & think ‘god they’re hot, I’d love to f*ck them’ but then surely nobody does that without establishing a relationship with the person first, right?

Most of the time I’m not really ever instantly attracted to a person (if you showed me a photo, for example and asked me if I found that person hot I’d probably be pretty indifferent) but (and this is mainly in regards to celebrities) once I’ve been familiarised with them and their personality and seen them in a few things, say interviews and movies or stuff, I may develop an attraction to them (this is particularly true when it comes to seeing actors getting whumped, I find that most of my attractions form that way tbh).

Of course there’s the odd occasion where a person may be undeniably attractive & aesthetically pleasing and I’ll be attracted to them on the offset but it’s rarely the case.

Other than that, despite maybe a couple of people that I’ve found kind of  pleasant to look at, I don’t think I’ve really ever been attracted to anyone I’ve known in person, at least not in that way.

Also, whilst sex scenes themselves don’t neccessarily make me uncomfortable (can’t say I get the appeal but it doesn’t really  offend me in any way), if there’s a scene involving the nudity of an actor that I’m attracted to (as in full frontal) it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I guess that could just because it feels like an invasion of privacy as opposed to anything else though. I’ve been occasionally known to watch certain things to deal with particular urges and nudity doesn’t bother me then so I have no clue why it does in other situations.

I’ve also never had a relationship or been intimate with anyone in any way, nor can I say that I’m particularly interested in having one/doing so. I’m kind of introverted & socially awkward so maybe that’s a factor but I also don’t know if my disinterest in relationships is related to the whole concern & expectation of having to have sex with someone. I also don’t even know for certain that I’m 100% against the idea of sex. The thought of sex is not really something that appeals to me & I feel like I would happily die without ever experiencing it but I also wouldn’t say I’m entirely repulsed by it? I’ve occasionally daydreamed about characters doing the deed (never myself with anybody else though).

Also, this final part may will sound extremely cheesy so I apologize in advance but sometimes I see characters being all soft and adoring and affectionate with eachother and I kind of think f*ck man I want that. That could just be the whumper in me always seeking that comfort side of things that is so lacking though or maybe it’s just me thinking I want it because it’s supposed to be what everyone wants in life.

This was only supposed to be a short ask and instead you got an entire essay of me rambling about myself ahsgshsh, I’m so sorry! My mind is literally a mess😂.

TL;DR Idk I’m just very confused 🤔

Mod reply below:

Hi hun!! Don’t worry about a long message cause my reply got just as long lol.

I'm really glad you felt comfortable coming to me with this and I'm more than happy to help if I can!

First let me tell you a bit about how I worked out that I am both asexual and aromantic (this might be a jumbled mess so I apologize in advance for that)

So I found asexuality in 2014 and pretty damn quickly accepted and knew that I was asexual. I went through the tumblr tag (back when it was full of people’s experiences and feelings and so much positivity) and related strongly to other asexual people’s experiences. Some of those things included:

Not wanting kids

Having absolutely zero interest in ever having sex. Can go my whole life without and be just fine thanks

Not once have I seen another person and thought about having sex with them

Thought sexual attraction was either a myth/made up or only developed after you knew the person for a long time

Don’t understand why people on tv break up with each other over sex. It’s not that important, right?

Thinking people are “hot” or “sexy” but that just means aesthetically pleasing. Like a painting.

Having a sex drive but would rather take care of it myself than have sex. It’s like an annoying itch. I get annoyed, I scratch it, it goes away, I’m good.

Avoided sex ed whenever possible because I was uncomfortable with sex.

Don’t read smutty fanfic.

Sex on tv makes me uncomfortable not aroused.

Why are people obsessed with butts??? I don’t get it.

Hate when main characters get together in tv shows because that usually means they’re going to have sex and WHY DO THEY NEED TO HAVE SEX?? Isn’t love enough? I don’t get it!!

The idea of getting married and having to have sex with that person that night is horrifying.

All the universal asexual symbols and things that the community has. Like the playing cards, the black ring, the aces love cake, aces love pizza, that stuff. I loved and agreed with every single one. I know the other sexuality do this do but I never saw those, laughed, and went “yeah that’s me!” Just asexuality.

It only took a day if researching before I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was asexual. All these experiences and feelings my fellow asexuals felt really fit with my own experiences.

HOWEVER

My aromantism was a lot harder for me to pin down. I think I went through 4 different romantic orientations before working out how I felt. It was all so confusing and I couldn’t tell what was romantic, what was sexual, and what was neither. I didn’t understand it at all and I spent a long time confused. With sexual attraction I knew I didn't feel that. Never once felt that desire to have sex with a specific person. Not ever. But romantic? I thought I had felt that. Couldn't be sure though. I'm sure now but back then I was very confused. I started thinking I was hetero-romantic because I was only every "interested" in guys but it didn’t quite feel right. Next I found the word cupioromantic which was you don't feel romantic attraction but you still desire a romantic relationship. I wore that label for a short time but once again it wasn’t quite right. Every time the possibility of a relationship into my life I ran cause I didn’t want it. Next I found lithromantic which is you feel romantic attraction but as soon as its reciprocated it goes away. I thought hey that’s it! But I finally I took a very hard look at myself and my interactions with people and what it was I actually did feel and decided that I was truly aromantic. I just didn’t want to be labeled as such because I was a huge romantic and I felt like this label meant I couldn’t have one. It took a while but now I know that isn’t true at all. I know now that I don’t actually want a relationship but I want the closeness with someone that being in a relationship entails. I can get that with friends. I went through the times I thought I had felt romantic attraction and tried to fit them into the attractions above. What I felt for that one girl in my English history course? Yeah that was platonic? That actor I think is super hot? That's aesthetic. I'd love to just cuddle with and be touched by my one friend? Sensual. The one guy I dated? Yeah I only dated him because he liked me not because I felt anything for him.

Other things that helped me realize I don’t feel romantic attraction:

I have had one boyfriend my entire life (high school, lasted 10 months) and I hated it. I didn’t like holding hands with him. He asked to kiss me and I told him no. I thought (still do) that kissing was gross and no way did I want to do that. I hated when he kissed my cheek or held me too long. I didn’t understand his strong emotions toward me nor did I understand why people dated. I didn’t get it. I didn’t like it.

I have had fake crushes/faked “they’re hot, would totally hit that” because I thought i was supposed to feel that way about people. Everyone had crushes or wanted to kiss and have sex with someone else. I never did. Didn’t get it.

I thought a crush was someone you chose. Like, I thought you went “That guy/girl is funny and nice. I now decide to have a crush on him.” But apparently that is not true at all.

I have no desire to get married or date. In fact I prefer to live my life without it.

I’ve never looked at someone and felt or developed what can be described as romantic feelings.

Those times I thought I did were really just platonic feelings. I wanted to be their friend. Not their girlfriend.

I think whumperflies are the closest I’ve ever come to feeling something akin to sexual attraction but I personally don’t classify it as sexual attraction. I also get that feeling seeing someone get comforted and being soft and affection and wanting that. For me, I think that’s me being touch starved af. I’d love to have someone to cuddle with and have it not be sexual or romantic. Sounds like maybe you do too. And that’s okay :)

Based on your words and feelings I'd suggest you take a look at the following terms. They might help you pin down how you feel. They certainly helped me

Demisexual/Demiromantic: where people only experience sexual attraction to folks that they have close emotional connections with. In other words, demisexual people only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has formed.

Gray Asexual/Gray Romantic: in which a person may only experience sexual attraction on occasion

Sex repulsed/neutral/positive: How you feel towards sex and/or having sex. You can be positive about it, feel repulsed by sex and sexual acts, or be completely neutral about it

Sexual attraction: looking at someone and wanting to have sexual content with them.

Romantic attraction: wanting to have a romantic relationship with a certain person.

Aesthetic attraction: thinking someone is pleasing to look at. Appreciating their appearance.

Sensual attraction: wanting to touch/cuddle/be physically close to a person.

Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with a person

To me it sounds like you could be demi or gray but it’s ultimately up to you. If you feel like any of those terms fit you then don’t be afraid to accept that label. And if you change your mind as you learn more about your self and want to use a different label then that’s totally cool! Like I said, I went through 4 different romantic labels before finding one that fit. Try things on and see how it feels for you.

I also suggest checking out some of these blogs because I found them really helpful. @asexualityexists @asexualfacts @asexualawarenessweek @acejokes @thehumorousace @outer-space-aro-ace @a-spec-tacular @life-of-an-asexual

You can also feel free to scroll through my main blog asexual tag if you want. http://thewanderingace.tumblr.com/tagged/asexual

I don’t know if any of this was helpful or not but if you have any other questions don’t be afraid to message me! I’m happy to help where I can!

[yuuri-katsuki-is-a-bottom]

YOI AU where everything is the same except Victor and Yuuri are so destined to be together that they spontaneously and single handedly spawn soulmates into existence. The universe or god or fate or all of the above sees these two losers find each other in nearly every possible version of reality and says “damn, they gotta hook up here too” and goes all out to make it happen. Victor and Yuuri both have multiple soulmate signifiers, but since soulmates didn’t exist until Victor (and later, Yuuri) was born, they have no idea what any of it means.

Victor is born colorblind with a small birthmark shaped like half a snowflake on his hip and the phrase “Be my coach Victor” scrawled along the inside of his thigh in shaky Japanese characters. His parents don’t recognize it as writing, and resolve to ignore their son’s weird birthmarks. They never even consider that it might be saying something. Victor, when he’s old enough to wonder and has a few years of international experience under his belt, copies down the characters as best he can and decides to get it translated the next time he’s in Japan. When he finds out his birthmark is actually a demand for coaching that identifies him by name, he’s very confused, and wonders if maybe his parents had it tattooed onto him when he was a baby? Perhaps they were drunk? They’re not around to ask anymore, of course, but that’s the only explanation he can think of. Surely this mark isn’t natural. Eventually, he chalks it up to yet another thing he’ll never know about his family, and does his best to put it out of his mind. Some days, though--his worst days--he can’t help absently rubbing the mark on his thigh. Whenever he does, he gets an odd, phantom weight deep within his chest. It feels like happiness and light and hope and everything beautiful and pure in the world. Later, when hope and happiness is sorely lacking in Victor’s life, that phantom weight is sometimes all that gets him through the day.

Yuuri is also born colorblind with a snowflake and words on his body, but that’s where the similarities end. Where Victor’s half snowflake is tiny and almost unnoticeable even against his pale skin, Yuuri’s takes up the entirety of his back. It’s loud and in your face and Yuuri spends most of his life trying to avoid situations where anybody might see it. His words, written in elegant Cyrillic, loop around his right wrist and trail up his arm. Unlike Victor’s parents, Yuuri’s are very curious and concerned about the strange markings on their newborn son. They also recognize the writing as letters, though they don’t quite fit the English letters they learned in school and mostly kept up with in case of any international tourists. They don’t have many resources, but eventually they find out it’s in Russian and get it translated. The words “A commemorative photo Sure” make absolutely no sense to them, and they begin to fear for their son. They never quite get over the way that mark in particular bothers them, and it’s something young Yuuri picks up on. Unconsciously, he tries his best to hide his words as best he can as well, and never mention them around his parents. When he gets older and discovers Victor and spends his tween years going through a Russia obsession phase, he notes the similarities between the flowing script on his wrist and the strange, almost-English-but-not-quite letters that adorn all the original versions of Victor’s posters and other assorted merchandise and marketing. He’s too scared to try and translate them, but he holds onto them tightly as a talisman that, maybe, this means he’ll meet Victor someday (which incidentally means he’s the first person in the world to come close to figuring out what soulmate marks are) and, for the first time in his life, he isn’t ashamed of them. He finds himself touching the words often, even if he’s sometimes brought to tears by a sense of deep, nearly soul crushing loneliness when he does. It’s a feeling he’s familiar with, but it’s also foreign, and sometimes when he’s having a particularly bad anxiety attack, focusing on a feeling that doesn’t feel like his own is enough to calm him down faster than he would be able to manage alone.

The first time Yuuri and Victor’s eyes meet isn’t the first time they speak, and the first time they speak (”A commemorative photo? Sure.”) isn’t the first time they both speak to each other (Be my coach, Victor!”), thereby thwarting, in one meeting, pretty much the entire point of every single one of their soulmate signifiers. Still, their destiny is to be together and nothing, not even the boys themselves, can stand in the way of that. Later on, when a drunk Yuuri stumbles up to Victor and looks him in the eyes, the world explodes with color for the first time. Victor is so surprised he almost misses the slurred words spilling from Yuuri’s mouth. Almost. He spends the rest of the night in awe of the sexy, drunken nymph who literally brought light into his world. He’s also, for the first time in his life (or at least since he was so young he can no longer remember) feels those phantom feelings without touching his words at all, though this time they finally feel natural, like they’re actually his. He’s not sure what it all means, but he’s not a stupid man. He knows it means something. And now that he’s found Yuuri, he never wants to let him go. When Yuuri disappears after the banquet, he’s devastated, and over the next few weeks the only thing that keeps him from falling into despair is touching his words. They still fill him with phantoms of happiness and light and hope, but they’re also a physical reminder that he’s supposed to meet Yuuri. That he was always supposed to meet Yuuri, even before the other man was born, which is slightly scary but even more reassuring. Yuuri is meant to be in his life. He refuses to believe he was born with these marks and made to live nearly three decades seeing the world in shades of grey just to have one drunken night dancing with his Yuuri. (Incidentally, this makes Victor the second person to come close to figuring out what soulmarks mean, though he’s much closer to the truth than Yuuri)

Yuuri, on the other hand, wakes up in his underwear in his hotel room and has absolutely no idea why he can suddenly see color. Eventually, once he’s done throwing up from a mix of sixteen glasses of champagne and suddenly seeing every color in the world after just over two decades of half-thinking colors were something people made up to mess with him, he decides that he must have smacked his head on something during his bender. It’s the only explanation that makes sense. Despite his shame at his FS, his grief over Vicchan, and his embarrassment at the thought that someone might have seen him before he managed to get back to his room and pass out, he can’t help spending his entire trip home scrolling through Victor’s Instagram and re-watching every Victor video he can find. Experiencing them in full living color is almost like discovering Victor for the first time all over again and, at least until he gets home and is once again reminded of Vicchan and his failure in Sochi, his entire body feels like it’s made of joy and wonder.

After Victor shows back up in Yuuri’s life, he very quickly makes the last connection: Yuuri has a snowflake that matches his perfectly, aside from the size, and those words on Yuuri’s wrist strike a chord and he remembers (with a small twinge of shame that he didn’t recognize this beautiful man in front of him as the skater whose musicality and step sequences had begun to waken corners of Victor’s soul he thought long since buried and gone as he watched his SP in Sochi) that those are the very first words he’d even spoken to Yuuri. He’s even more certain now that this means Yuuri is meant to be with him. Literally every single great mystery of his birth has the same answer: Yuuri. He has no idea why Yuuri refuses to mention the banquet, and he has a few moments of panic when he thinks, marks or no marks, Yuuri will never want him in the ways he’s coming to realize he needs Yuuri, but every time that happens Yuuri will say ( “I want you to stay who you are, Viktor!” ) or do (pulling him close, demanding his attention) something to renew and reaffirm Victor’s hope and conviction.

Yuuri, for his part, never actually sees any of Victor’s marks until after they kiss in China, mostly because he spends every second where Victor’s hips and thighs are exposed desperately trying not to look at those very areas, lest he explode (in every possible connotation of the word). Once he gives himself permission to look, he’s utterly floored. Victor shares his birthmark? And those words on his thigh written in what almost looks like his sloppy handwriting when he’s nervous or drunk... Be my coach, Victor. Did this mean that Victor had always wanted to be a coach? So much that he had the request tattooed into his skin? Or was this something he’d had since birth, like the Cyrillic on Yuuri’s wrist? (He still can’t bring himself to translate those words, now more than ever. What if they say that Victor hates him? What if they tell him to let him go? He can’t deal with that; with knowing they have real meaning to his life while also telling him to get rid of the one person who had always given his life meaning. Ironic, considering how close Yuuri almost comes to doing that very thing on his own anyway)

Once the’re finally together, and engaged (with rings that match their snowflakes, no less), and all misunderstandings are cleared up and they’re both looking forward to their future as skater and coach-and-skater and husband and husband (after he wins Victor his gold medal, of course, and oh how Victor will come to regret that particular bit of word vomit in the months to come), they finally talk about the marks. Victor shares what his meant to him over the years, and Yuuri does the same. Yuuri tells him that, even though he doesn’t remember asking, the feelings Victor describes when he touches Yuuri’s request on his skin sounds an awful lot like the way Victor’s skating had always made Yuuri feel mixed with how Yuuri feels when he’s drunk. Victor, in turn, opens up about the loneliness and isolation that were ingrained in his daily life when he so thoughtlessly offered Yuuri a photo with his empty smile. They come to the conclusion that, embedded within each of their words, are also the feelings that the other person was experiencing while saying them (when they said them, when they would say them). They also come to the conclusion that this means they were always meant to be together, that their shared marks and colorblindness was given to them so that they’d know when they finally met their other half. (Incidentally, this means that they both are the first people in the world to discover what soulmarks mean, though only a very select few will ever learn this and even fewer will believe it)

As they reaffirm their love for each other, the universe or god or fate or whatever looks on and thinks “this actually worked out pretty well for a beta test. With a bit of tweaking, I wonder what would happen if we did a full roll out?”

And so, on the day after Yuuri Katsuki and Victor Nikiforov discover soulmates together, the entire population of the world wake up either colorblind, with one half of a complete mark, or with the first words someone out there will ever speak to them somewhere on their body (along with a few other variations that get patched in later for variety), all of them completely unaware that the love between two silly male figure skaters was transcendent enough to will the entire concept of soulmates into existence.

[tessatechaitea]

Cerebus #15 (1980)

If the story so far had revealed that Cerebus has a vagina, I could make a hentai joke here.

The first time I encountered hentai was at an anime convention at a Red Lion Inn in San Jose in 1994 or 1995. I went to the convention by myself because I had recently fallen in love with the cartoon Sailor Moon and wanted to get some Sailor Moon LaserDiscs unless it was actually Sailor Moon dolls I wanted. It was so long ago, how am I supposed to remember?! They had a room where they were showing movies and one of the movies I watched was Sailor Moon R: The Movie. It was subtitled which was great because then I had the story memorized for all the times I watched my non-subtitled LaserDisc. But that wasn't the pornographic anime I saw! I don't even remember what that was but I watched some tentacle fucking movie late at night in a dark room with a bunch of other sweaty nerds. I didn't know that was what was going to happen though so I didn't have my dick in my hands like the other guys probably did. I was as shocked as anybody when they first find out that cartoons where women get fucked by tentacles exist! I mean, how many penises does an alien need?! I grew up thinking the little gray aliens had zero! That Red Lion Inn was the same one where I played in a couple of Magic the Gathering tournaments. Being in a dark room with a bunch of horny anime fans was less awkward and uncomfortable than playing Magic the Gathering against Magic the Gathering fans. Most of them probably couldn't believe they were actually playing against such a cool and handsome dude. It really threw them off their game when I would say things like, "Yeah, I've touched a couple of boobs. I attack with my Serra Angel." I know what you're thinking: "Anime, comic books, and Magic the Gathering?! This awesome dude must have owned every single Stars Wars figure too!" Aw, you're too kind! I'm blushing! But obviously I never owned Yak Face. "A Note from the Publisher" is still being published so I guess Dave and Deni are still married. In his Swords of Cerebus essay, Dave Sim discusses "Why Groucho?" It seems to mostly come down to this: Dave Sim enjoyed the characters of Groucho Marx as a teenager and memorized a lot of their lines. He also mentions Kim Thompson's review of Cerebus in The Comic Journal (the first major review of the series) in which Kim praised Sim's ability to make his parody characters transcend the parody to become unique creations of their own. This review gave Sim the confidence to put Groucho in the role of Lord Julius. Which worked out so well that Sim later adds Oscar Wilde, Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Margeret Thatcher, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Woody Allen, Dave Sim, and the Three Stooges into the story. I'm sure I'm missing some but I can't remember every aspect of this 6000 page story. Was The Judge also a parody of somebody? Was the Regency Elf based on Wendy Pini? I don't know! I'm sure I'm missing a lot of references in Cerebus simply because I haven't experienced all the same knowledge sources as Dave Sim. Just like I'm missing a super duper lot of references in Gravity's Rainbow because nobody in the history of ever has experienced all the same knowledge sources as Thomas Pynchon. I've been reading Gravity's Rainbow (for the first time but also the third time because I'm basically reading it three times at the same time. You'll understand when you read it) and I'm surprised by how funny it is. I don't think anybody ever described it as funny or else I'm sure I would never have stopped reading it multiple times prior to this time when I'm actually going to finish it. Although I suppose when I read Catch-22, I had done so on my own so nobody ever told me how funny that book was either. But for some reason, Catch-22 lets you know it's going to be a funny book pretty quickly. Gravity's Rainbow is all, "Here is a description of an evacuation of London which is just stage setting because, you know, the bombs have already blown up, but it makes people feel safe. And after that, how about a scene where this guy makes a bunch of banana recipes for breakfast. Is that funny enough for you?" Oh, sure, there are some funny moments like when that one guy pretends a banana is his cock and then some other guys tackle him and beat him with his own pretend cock. But there's a gravity to the scene that doesn't lend itself to the reader thinking, "Oh, this is a funny book!" But if you make it far enough, you start realizing, "Hey! I'm not understanding this!" So then you reread the section and you start realizing, "Hey! I'm laughing at this stuff! This is pretty funny!" Plus there are a lot of descriptions of sexy things that I'm assuming are really accurate because Pynchon is obsessed with details.

Anyway, I was supposed to be talking about Cerebus, wasn't I?

A Living Priest of Tarim crashes Lord Julius' bath to scold him about a party Julius is giving in a fortnight (which is the amount of time your kid has lost to a video game). I don't know why the priest has to declare he's a living priest. You can tell that by the way he's shouting and foaming at the mouth. Although this is a Swords & Sorcery book so I suppose there are many dead creatures that also shout and foam at the mouth. Sometimes I forget I'm reading a fictional book and wind up ranting and raving about stuff that I'm supposed to just assume is fine. Like when I read The Flash and nothing in it makes any sense at all because The Flash should never have any trouble stopping crime or saving people from natural disasters. The comic book should be over in two pages. Even the writers, at some point, realized how ridiculous Flash stories were and decided the only way to make them believable was to have The Flash battle other super fast people. But that just meant Flash stories basically became bar-room brawls. Two people with super speed fighting is the same as reading a story about two people without super speed fighting. Boring! Some writers even decided that maybe a telepathic monkey would make things more interesting and I suppose telepathic monkeys make everything more interesting so kudos to them. I was going to go on a long rant about telepathic monkeys but then I realized how much I love the idea of telepathic monkeys so why should I create an argument against them? More telepathic monkeys, please.

This made me laugh out loud. Not as much as the chapter in Gravity's Rainbow where the old woman forces Slothrop to eat a bunch of terrible candies. But then it isn't a competition, is it? I mean, I guess it's a competition for my time which is why I haven't written a comic book review in a week or more. Blame Thomas Pynchon for being so entertaining (and also Apex).

Baskin, the Minister for Executive Planning, has come to let Lord Julius know what the revolutionaries have revealed while being tortured. The only bit of useful information was one prisoner's last words: "Revolution...the pits." Cerebus immediately assumes "the Pits" is a location and not a summation of the prisoner's feelings about revolution which led to torture which led to his death. Cerebus, being the Kitchen Staff Supervisor, begins an investigation into The Pits. His first step: threatening the Priest of the Living Tarim. Which makes me realize I transposed the word "living" in the previous encounter with the priest and went on a digression that makes no sense to anybody who has read and somehow remembers that particular panel. I'm sure they were scoffing and snorting and exclaiming to their pet rat, "What a stupid fool loser this Grunion Guy is! Living Priest of Tarim! HA! Ridiculous! What a moronic mistake! He has made a gigantic fool of himself!" I don't know that the almost certainly imaginary people who called me on my mistake as they read this have a pet rat but I do know there almost certainly isn't another imaginary sentient being in the room with them. Cerebus learns that The Pits are Old Palnu that lies under current Palnu. It was destroyed in a massive earthquake long ago and the new city built over the top of it. It's like a Dungeons & Dragons module but with a lot less treasure.

This scene reminded me that I need to finish rereading The Boomer Bible: A Testament for Our Times (which is what it was called in the 90s but is just as accurate for today).

Cerebus and Lord Julius engage in another typical misunderstanding (it's not hard when only half of the people in the conversation care about making sense) which ends up with Lord Julius deciding that the location for the Festival of Petunias will be The Pits. This complicates Cerebus' job of not allowing Lord Julius to be assassinated because the assassins are most likely housed in The Pits (along with their giant snakes (*see cover)). Lord Julius, Baskin, and Cerebus descend into The Pits to find a suitable location for the Festival of Petunias. In doing so, they wind up in a trap and confronted by a masked revolutionary of the "Eye of the Pyramid." Which is odd because you usually have to murder at least a dozen kobolds and several goblins before you reach the room with the boss in it.

Typical unbalanced beginning level module. A giant snake as the first encounter!

Cerebus manages to defeat the giant snake by crashing it headfirst into a wall. The wall winds up being a key support structure and the roof collapses. Everybody makes it out alive but the masked revolutionary evades capture. He will be back next issue to ruin the Festival of Petunias. Aardvark Comment is still just a mostly standard comic book letters page. I'll probably stop discussing it until people start criticizing Dave. Right now it's just "This comic book is great!" and "Keep writing, Dave, and I'll never think ill of anything idea you espouse!" while Dave replies, "I owe my fans everything! I can't wait until I can stop feeling that way and start jerking off onto my art boards and selling those as pages of Cerebus!" Cerebus #15 Rating: A. Good story, good Lord Julius dialogue, good Living Priest of the Living Tarim scenes. I wholeheartedly endorse this comic book and Dave Sim. No way a guy with a sense of humor like this is going to go off the rails, right?!

[1dffexchange]

Warm Blood

To: Eriza @booksncoffee

From: Natasha @wokeuptired​

Summary: This is ridiculous, and Carver knows it.

She doesn’t even know his name, and he’s all she can think about. One kiss at an office Christmas party—an office where she doesn’t even work most of the time—and she can’t get him off her mind. 

It doesn’t help that she’s spending a week working in said office, sitting at a neat freak’s desk and trying not to leave fingerprints behind while looking over her shoulder every five minutes to see if he—Mistletoe Boy—is at the coffee pot. 

She’s beginning to think she dreamed him up.

ONE.

Carver Cantrell is not somebody who makes stupid decisions.

That is the first thing she would want you to know about her: this is not her modus operandus. She is not the kind of girl who buys a plane ticket and jets off to Paris on a whim. She doesn’t purchase expensive articles of clothing without stalking them online for a few weeks first. The wildest evening she has is when she orders something different from the Chinese place on the corner. Nobody would ever call her a wild child.

And she certainly doesn’t kiss boys she’s never met under the mistletoe at the office holiday party just because she feels like it.

Except she just did.

“Wow.”

Carver pulls back, unsure of which of them said that, her or the guy she’s just been locking lips with. Her heart is beating so loud she can hear it in her ears, and she can feel her blood hot in her cheeks. His eyes are bright blue, so blue she can feel them in her toes.

Which is a feeling she’s never felt before. Crazy, because Carver thought, right before this second, that she’d felt them all.

Her emotions have tended towards the severe ever since she was a kid. Imagine six year-old Carver, throwing a fit at the supermarket because her favorite cereal was out of stock, and her helpless mother, standing three feet away with her hands up so that other shoppers wouldn’t assume she was the cause of the tantrum. Skip to middle school, when Carver didn’t eat for two days after she and her best friend—the same Jess whom she roomed with in college, walked beside at graduation, and is currently accompanying to this party—had a fight. Just last month, she watched a Hallmark movie where a woman reunited with her teenage love after twenty-five years, and she sobbed for an hour.

Anger, sadness, happiness—Carver has always felt them all in extremes. She’s learned over the years to take deep breaths until the emotions calm down so she can figure out which ones to listen to before she acts, but they’re still there, nonetheless.

Like two minutes ago, when she turned a corner on her way to the restroom and walked right into the sturdy chest of the guy who currently has his arms wrapped around her. He sparked something in her right away, and the inches they’ve just put between them have done nothing to dampen that flame.

“Sorry,” he says. He tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, his fingertips warm. “I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

This is where she should say something like, “Fuck that, do it again!” but her mind draws a blank. Her brain is too busy considering his accent, which is decidedly not California surfer boy like every boy she’s dated since she moved here a year ago, to come up with something witty to fire back at him.

“Hey, Car—”

She looks over my shoulder to see Jess coming around the corner. She has a plate in her hand piled high with Carver’s weakness: angel food cake, the literal food of angels.

“I found this,” she says, holding it out. “And you. And, you’re busy, apparently—who’s this?”

Carver follows her gaze back to the boy in question, who’s pushing a hand through his hair and grinning. His hair looks like it’s straight out of a shampoo commercial. She should’ve touched it during their kiss. What a missed opportunity.

“Sorry, I—I was actually on my way out,” he says. His eyes return to her as he brushes a fingertip across her cheek before stepping back. “It was nice to meet you.”

“You too,” she manages before he turns away and disappears around the corner.

Jess grabs her elbow. “What was that? Who was that?”

Carver lets her tug her back into the party. “I have no idea.”

Five minutes later, Carver’s shoveling angel food cake into her mouth and recounting the last hour as Jess rambles on with the office manager, Kayla. Michael Buble’s Christmas album plays in the background, stockings hang on the wall, and a small Christmas tree sits in the corner, but nothing can disguise the fact that this is an office. A well-designed office, but an office nonetheless.

Jess has worked for West & Up for a year, and Carver’s going on month three. West & Up is one of those newer companies that’s popped up as interior design has become accessible to anybody with internet access. It’s part online home goods retailer (think Wayfair but a bit less fashionable), part interior design firm. Jess does web design, and Carver crunch numbers.

They both work in the Century City office, where a bunch of nerds in glasses occupy cubicles in a decidedly less fashionable building right next to the freeway. Carver had never been to the Santa Monica office before tonight, and she’s definitely been missing out, because not only can you smell the ocean from the balcony, cute boys also work here.

One cute boy in particular.

Carver has never felt such an instant connection with someone before, and she can already tell it’s going to consume me. This is how her mind works: it can only focus on one thing at a time, and that one thing nearly always becomes an obsession. That’s why she’s so good at math. Her OCD keeps her doing problems over and over again until she’s sure they’re perfect. And her OCD will no doubt have her going over that kiss incessantly.  

“Carver, it’s going to be so great to have you here in January,” Kayla says. “I’m so happy you said yes.”

Carver swallows a bite of angel food cake and fakes a smile. Truth be told, she’s not looking forward to her temporary reassignment to the Santa Monica office. She hates changes to her routine, and she hates things that aren’t her choice. Kayla says she agreed, but when her supervisor presented it to her, it didn’t really seem like saying no was an option.

“I’m really excited to see how things work around here,” she says, which is about the best answer she can manage without the unrelenting guilt she always feels when she lies. She doesn’t tell Kayla she doesn’t understand why she can’t continue her internal audit of the company from her own cubicle.  

She has a slight suspicion that she’s going to arrive for her first day in January and be instructed to count the pens in the copy room.

TWO.

Kayla Warner is not the kind of person who takes no for an answer.

This is typically something that works in Niall’s favor, because Kayla is the office manager and when she’s on your side, she gets shit done. Niall befriended her on his first day at West & Up, and ever since, she’s been going to war for him. She got him the best cubicle (aka the one furthest from the break room), always makes sure he leaves promptly at five, even if she has to drag him out herself, and never fails to order his favorite brand of pens. Usually Kayla Warner is his hero.

But now that she’s decided to be his matchmaker, he’s moving her decidedly into the “villain” column. Once Kayla has an idea in her head, there’s absolutely no talking her out of it. Which doesn’t mean Niall isn’t going to try.

THIS IS A BAD IDEA.

Niall watches as three little dots appear on his phone, showing that Kayla is responding to his all-caps message. He never should’ve told her about Mistletoe Girl in the first place, but Kayla could tell that something was up when he suddenly appeared way more interested in Kayla’s incessant stream of office gossip than he used to be. Kayla practically sniffed it on him.

“You kissed somebody at the Christmas party, didn’t you?” she demanded, the question mark only there out of politeness. Kayla’s like a bloodhound when it comes to secrets, especially secrets related to the affairs of the heart.

Not that Niall’s heart is involved here. He really doesn’t want it to be, because it shouldn’t be, not after one kiss. Even if it was the most perfect kiss he’s ever experienced in all his years of kissing–barely a decade, so he wouldn’t exactly call himself an expert, but he knows a good kiss when he sees it.

Kayla’s still typing, so Niall navigates away from the text message thread and opens Instagram. He’d scoured the employee profiles a zillion times over the past few weeks searching for Mistletoe Girl, looking at all the Carters and Carolyns and Carlas that work for the company, and he couldn’t find her. But now, thanks to Kayla, he knows her name, her actual name, so he can stalk her on social media.

Carver Cantrell. Her profile is private, so Niall can’t see much beyond her bio and her profile picture (her smiling face pressed up against a puppy’s much smaller one), but it’s gratifying to know that she’s real. It’s a relief to know that he didn’t imagine the whole thing. And it’s nice to know that she loves dogs. Loving dogs is a good sign.

Niall doesn’t blame himself for questioning his sanity. It was like something out of a romance film, wasn’t it? Kayla’s obsessed with those things, “Love Actually” and “27 Dresses” and all that. It’s not every day that you’re on the way back from the bathroom at the dreaded office Christmas party when a cute girl crashes into you right under the mistletoe. And it’s certainly not every day that a kiss with a stranger makes you reexamine the way you look at the world.

Kayla’s reply rolls in, distracting Niall from reading Carver’s bio for the hundredth time.

THIS IS A GREAT IDEA

YOU CAN LEAVE HER CHOCOLATE AND FLIRTY NOTES ON YOUR DESK

I’M A FUCKING GENIUS

The messages arrive one after the other in rapid succession. Kayla texts like she talks: without breathing. It overwhelmed Niall when they first met, the speed at which Kayla thinks and talks and moves, but he’s slightly less intimidated by her now. Slightly.

Sighing, Niall clicks through to the text thread and hits the call button. It only rings once before Kayla picks up.

“You’re not going to be able to talk me out of this,” she says. Something clangs in the background; she’s probably making cookies again.

“It’s a terrible idea in every way,” Niall says. He stands from the couch and goes into the kitchen. Speaking with Kayla always makes him feel like he’s not doing enough. Like he ought to be doing at least 6 things simultaneously while talking to her. “You know I hate people in my workspace. It’s like you’re making us move in together, and we’ve barely even spoken.”

Kayla laughs. “Exactly. This is a great trial run. I’m pretty sure she’s just as much of a neat freak as you are, but if she’s not, you’ll be able to tell, and then you can abort the mission.”

“I want to abort the mission already.” Niall opens the fridge and starts unloading it of containers full of leftovers that should’ve been thrown out weeks ago. “You’re the one who’s not letting me.”

“That’s because I am your best friend and I care about your well-being.”

“But—”

“I’m not hearing it, Niall Horan,” Kayla says. “Now stop pretending to clean your kitchen, hang up the phone, and figure out a plan for tomorrow, will you? I can’t do everything for you.”

“Are you sure you can’t?” Niall asks. “Because you’ve done the rest of this for me. So I think you could just—”

“Don’t be facetious, Niall, it doesn’t suit you,” Kayla says before hanging up.

Sometimes Kayla reminds Niall of his mother, and since she’s far away across the Atlantic Ocean, he doesn’t really mind that.

Except right now. Right now, it’s driving him crazy.

THREE.

On Monday, January 7th, Carver parks her car in the lot outside West & Up’s Santa Monica office. She’s ten minutes early, and she fully intends to use all ten of those minutes to have a panic attack in her car.

There’s a post-it on her dashboard that, at her therapist’s suggestion, reads, “EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE,” and she repeats that aloud to herself a few times, but it doesn’t help. She makes a list in her mind of all the things that could go wrong. Maybe her cubicle neighbor will smell like baloney sandwiches. Maybe she will embarrass herself in front of the CEO. Or, maybe, worst of all, she might run into Mistletoe Boy.

She’s done her best over the past couple of weeks to forget about him, but she hasn’t gotten very far. And Jess’s constant mentioning of the kiss hasn’t helped things. She’s scoured the employee profiles on the company website for the guy with the soft lips and the foreign accent that Carver kissed at the Christmas party, and she’s come up empty.

“He must be one of the ones with no photo,” Jess has insisted multiple times.

“Or maybe he doesn’t work at West & Up anymore,” Carver told Jess last night as she was waxing on about how her chances of running into him again were about to increase exponentially. “Or maybe he never did, and he was crashing the party and that’s why he ducked away so fast. Or maybe he’s engaged to one of the girls from HR, or—”

“Or maybe you’re looking for excuses,” Jess said, jabbing an elbow into Carver’s side. They were watching “Set It Up” on Netflix for the zillionth time, and Jess had paused in speaking all the lines along with the actors to remind Carver that she may have watched her chance at one true love walk out the door a few weeks back. “Do not hide in your cubicle for the next week, okay? You need to, like, make yourself visible.”

“How do you suppose I do that?”

“Go to the coffee machine, like, all the time. Introduce yourself to everyone you can.” Jess turned to Carver, her eyes wide, her tone serious. “And, for the love of God, make a fucking move if you see him again.”

Carver tries not to think about that right now, as she squints into the sunlight and curse herself, again, for leaving the house without her sunglasses this morning, as that’s basically a death sentence in Los Angeles.

She reads her post-it again: “EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.”

Then she takes a deep breath and opens the car door.

Kayla practically pounces on her when the elevator doors open on the third floor. She checks Carver in and shows her where the restroom is and babbles the entire time about how great her New Year’s was and how she hopes Carver’s was great too and did she watch the ball drop this year?   

“You can use Horan’s desk,” she says, leading Carver through the office. It’s an open plan, desks everywhere, most of them totally cluttered. Paper everywhere, knicknacks, dusty computer screens. But the desk Kayla guides Carver to is wiped clean. “He’s one of our architects. He’s on site all week.”

“You’re sure he won’t mind?” Carver runs her eyes over the spotless desktop. There’s a pothos plant in a terra cotta pot next to a black mug holding six identical black pens, and that’s it. The only bit of personalization she can spot is a dinosaur sticker on the corner of the computer monitor. Horan, whoever he is, clearly values cleanliness over, well, pretty much everything else.

It actually reminds Carver a little bit of her workspace, but at least she’s got more than one plant.

“Oh, yeah,” Kayla says. “He won’t care. He might come by in the evenings, though, so you should be out of here by five if you can, and don’t leave anything lying around. He’s a bit of a neat freak.”

“Right.” Carver pushes the keyboard out of the way and puts her laptop on the desk. “I’ll be out of here by five.”

“You know where I am if you need anything. See you at lunch!” Kayla calls as she disappears around the corner

Carver opens her laptop and clicks through her email to the spreadsheets the company wants her to look through. Luckily she hasn’t been asked to count any pencils yet, but the day is still young.

By lunch time, her fingers hurt and her eyes are dry. Kayla takes her to a salad place across the street, and Carver forces myself to choke down kale topped with assorted vegetables. When she was younger, she believed that she’d magically develop a taste for salad once she reached her twenties, since it’s what twenty-something professionals always ate for lunch on tv shows, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Then she returns to Horan’s immaculate cubicle, puts her earbuds in, and zones into the work. She used to think that she’d have to hate her job in her twenties, just as she’d have to love salads, but the truth is, she loves it. She loves columns of numbers and when there’s a knot in the data she has to untangle. She loves losing herself in it, because in the numbers there is always an answer.

In life, there often aren’t answers, and she’s not a fan of ambiguity.

Before she leaves, she can’t resist opening the top drawer to see if that’s where the owner of this desk hides his mess. But, no, it’s just as organized as the surface. Plastic bins hold pens, paperclips, pencils, and post-its, all in separate sections. There isn’t a thing out of place. She wonders if he uses dinner plates with dividers, too.

Carver snags a bright pink post-it out of the drawer and scrawls a quick note on it before sticking it to the monitor.

Thanks for letting me use your desk. I tried not to leave too many fingerprints. Sorry for snooping through your drawer, but I wanted to find your organizational weakness. Apparently you don’t have any. Congratulations. - Carver

FOUR.

Niall chickened out.

After all that berating last night and a pep talk via text from Kayla this morning, he chickened out. He didn’t leave anything at his desk for Carver, and, to top it off, he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it.

Every day at the Wilson project is a busy day, and today was no exception. This morning, two of the guys ripped out the old range and found faulty wiring, which is a remodel nightmare second only to flooding. That should’ve been enough to distract Niall, but it wasn’t. He pulled out a pen to make some notes and wondered what kind of pens Carver likes. He looked at granite samples with the Wilsons and wondered if Carver would think the black countertop would darken the room.

And then he thought about how fucked up it was that he was thinking about what Carver would think, considering he doesn’t even know her. Fucked up and creepy.

But here he is anyway, driving to the office in 5 o’clock traffic to see if Carver’s left any mark on his cuble. A very small, slightly creepy part of him is hoping he’ll be able to catch a trace of her perfume lingering in the air. He doesn’t have the vocabulary to describe scents, but he smelled it on her the night they kissed, and he knows he’ll recognize it instantly if he smells it again.

Kayla’s already left, which means he doesn’t have to face an interrogation when he passes her desk. The entire office is pretty much cleared out, which is how he likes it. Honestly,if he could work from home, he would. Other people are exhausting.

Which is part of the reason he’s afraid, he thinks, of meeting Carver. He’s idealized her so much in his head, but what if when he meets her, really meets her, she’s boring? Or annoying or just plain exhausting? What if spending time with her makes him wish he were spending time alone? The disappointment could crush him.

Which is why it’s easier to pretend he doesn’t care.

As he rounds the corner towards his cubicle, his heartbeat quickens, which is a total betrayal of his attempts to be nonchalant about this whole thing. He takes a deep breath, but it doesn’t help. Then his desk comes to view.

Nothing appears to be amiss. His chair is tucked in just the way he likes it, all of his black pens are still in their black mug, and his dinosaur sticker hasn’t moved. But—

Wait, what is that?

Niall grabs the post-it off the monitor and brings it up to his face. Is this Carver’s handwriting? It’s much neater than he’d expected based on the way her hair was slightly askew at the party. One’s general upkeep, he’s noticed, tends to belay their handwriting, and their handwriting reflects their level of organizational mastery.

Niall’s own hair is always flawless.

He reads the note to himself a couple of times, smiling at the mention of fingerprints. Apparently Carver has a sense of humor. And she might like post-its just as much as he does.

Hmm. Niall takes a seat at his desk, opens the drawer for another post-it, and grabs a pen. Time to come up with something clever to say in response.

FIVE.

In the morning, there’s a new post-it note on the monitor. Carver grins when she first sees it, because she’s always loved the idea of penpals, letters exchanged between strangers. She’s never had one herself, but novels always made it seem like you could tell your friend who lived worlds away things you couldn’t tell your BFF who lived next door.

Carver doesn’t have any such expectations of Niall Horan, of course, but it still makes her a bit giddy to see that he’s written her back.

But that feeling disappears as soon as she reads the note.

Thanks for your note, and thanks for keeping my desk clean. I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but I don’t really mind fingerprints. As long as there aren’t too many. And you keep them off the computer screen. You have neat handwriting, though, so I think I can live with you using my desk for the week. - Niall

Carver turns the post-it face-down on the desk. Maybe she was slightly rude in my post-it, but his message is ruder. “I can live with you using my desk for a week”—who talks to a stranger like that? It might be sarcasm, but he should know better than to be sarcastic in a note. There’s no room for nuance in a post-it note, they’re much too small.

What Carver wants to say in response is also much too long for a post-it note, so she yanks open the top drawer in search of notepaper. Her desk back in her cubicle hosts a variety of cute notepads and post-its, but all she can find in Niall’s desk is a small yellow legal pad. Despite its unattractiveness, it’ll have to do.

She does decorate the corner with a giant flower, though, courtesy of one of Niall’s five identical black pens.

Dear Niall,

Thanks for your note. I appreciate that you can live with me using your desk for a week, although I’d like you to know that I’d gladly vacate for another workspace if given the chance, since you seem like an asshole. Is that your weakness? You don’t know how to be nice to strangers on post-it notes? Good luck with that. I hope you enjoy being alone.

Note written—or at least started; Carver thinks she might have more to say later—she shoves it under Niall’s keyboard and opens her laptop. She’ll leave it there for the day, keeping it in the back of her mind, and right before she leaves, she’ll decided whether or not to leave it.

No impulsive decisions, even in anger.

Except maybe she should be impulsive. Maybe she should stand up for herself, even though there may be negative consequences, like an even ruder reply tomorrow, or a chastising by Kayla or even a meeting with HR for inter-office harassment.

Carver goes back and forth about it all morning. She spends a bit of mental energy regretting leaving a note at all yesterday, and then a bit more energy wishing she’d asked Kayla more questions about the owner of the desk. Like, is he a nutcase? Is he obsessed with fingerprints? Because he catalogues them? Because he’s a crazy, stalking, murdering, psychopath?

By lunch time, Carver feels like she’s bursting at the seams. Kayla shows up for lunch, and Carver practically leaps out of her seat. They barely make it out of the building before Carver brings it up.

“Hey, so this Horan guy? What’s he like?”

Kayla looks over her shoulder as she pushes out the front door of the building and into the sunlight. “Why do you ask?”

Carver wrinkles her nose at Kayla’s smile. “He left me a super rude note.”

The smile drops instantly. “What?”

Carver squints into the sunlight and stops to fish her sunglasses out of her purse. “Yeah,” she says to Kayla. “I left him a note last night, thanking him for letting me use his desk and whatnot, and I come in this morning to a note that’s like, don’t leave too many fingerprints and I won’t kill you.”

“What? There’s no way Niall wrote that,” Kayla says.

Carver follows her into the same salad place as yesterday. “I mean, I may’ve exaggerated a little. But that was the gist of it.”

The conversation pauses as Carver orders her food—the same salad as yesterday—but Kayla brings it up again as soon as the two of them are seated. The restaurant isn’t exactly quiet, but Kayla is not the kind of person, Carver’s beginning to realize, who lets a loud space hinder her conversation.

“Niall is not an asshole, I promise,” Kayla says. She extracts a metal straw out of her bag and sticks it in her drink. “He’s just not that good at people.”

“What?”

Kayla shrugs. “Listen, I’ve been friends with him for three years. He doesn’t always make the best first impression. Like, he tries, but it’s hard for him.”

What? Carver thinks the question this time instead of voicing it. She understands being socially awkward, but the best thing about written correspondence is that you can revise it a thousand times before sending it off (or, as it were, leaving it taped to a monitor).

“Like, okay,” Kayla continues. “He probably thought he was being funny. But he’s such a dingbat he doesn’t realize that sarcasm doesn’t translate when it’s written down, or he thought he was making a joke and he didn’t realize that he’s not funny. Like, he’s really not funny.”

Carver tries to think of something to say in response, but she finds herself coming up empty. Kayla’s trying to apologize for Niall, but Carver’s realizing that she really doesn’t want to hear it. Luckily her salad arrives, saving her. She shoves a forkful of lettuce into her mouth and chews as Kayla rambles on.

Finally, Kayla pauses, so Carver asks what she really wants to know. “So, do you think I should write back?”

Kayla’s fork hovers in the air on its way to her mouth. “Do you want to write back?”

Carver blinks. “I don’t know what I want to do.”

“Well, I’m a firm believer that you should do whatever feels right to you,” Kayla says, setting her fork down. “So maybe what you need to do is figure out what it is you want to do.”

Carver nods, repeating that over and over in her head until it starts to make sense.

At least, the words make sense. She still has no idea whether or not she should leave the note.

SIX.

“I wrote her a note.”

“Yeah, I know, you idiot,” Kayla says sharply. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

Niall nearly drops his phone. That would be especially bad considering he’s currently squatting over a puddle of water in the middle of the Wilson construction site. He’s downgrading it from kitchen to construction site, since every 10 minutes a new problem arises that requires something else to be ripped out or torn up. The drywall is gone, revealing rotting studs, and when they pulled up the tile this morning, they found mold in the floorboards.

This house isn’t even old. Niall doesn’t understand it.

But he has to deal with it nonetheless.

“What are you talking about?” he asks.

“She asked me about you,” Kayla says. She’s whispering, like maybe she’s sitting at her desk right now and doesn’t want to be overheard. “Hold on, let me go outside.”

Niall stands up and turns his back on the other guys staring hopelessly into the puddle. He walks into the Wilsons’ backyard, which borders a strip of land known for being a mountain lion hotspot. When he first moved to LA, Niall was fascinated with them, with P-22 and his brave freeway crossings (both the 405 and the 101) and  his adventures around Griffith Park. Experts say that P-22 will probably never leave Griffith Park’s 8 square miles, which is only half a victory. He’ll be safe because he’s the only male mountain lion living there, but he’ll never mate. His line will end with him.

Niall isn’t nearly as pessimistic about his own future, but he does have a few things in common with P-22. In a city surrounded by people, sometimes he feels like he’s living on an island. Anyone who wants to get to him will have to cross treacherous territory.

“Okay, I’m back,” Kayla says in Niall’s ear. “Now tell me what the fuck you were thinking, please.”

“I still don’t know what you’re talking about,” Niall says.

“Your note! You were a total asshole. At lunch today Carver was like, who is this guy and what the heck is his problem? And she’s totally right. What the heck is your problem?”

Right now Niall’s problem is that Kayla doesn’t seem to be planning on letting him get a word in. “Well—”

“Stop talking. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you. You don’t know how to be nice to people because you are afraid of making authentic connections because then someone might get close enough to see that you’re as perfect as you pretend to be.”

“Hey—”

“It’s not your turn, idiot. You need to fix this now, because you haven’t completely ruined your chances, but you’re close, I can tell you that. I tried to tell Carver that you’re just bad at first impressions, but she wasn’t hearing it. Like, she literally zoned out and stopped listening to me.”

Niall feels like doing that right now. He also feels like jumping headfirst into the Wilsons’ pool, or throwing his phone in so the water can drown out Kayla’s voice. Or maybe he should leave his phone here and walk off into the forest and make a new home with P-22. The mountain lion won’t judge him. It might attack him, but it certainly won’t do so while calling him an idiot.

No, Niall can do that himself. He definitely feels stupid right now. He thought he was being witty and maybe even flirty, but clearly none of that came across. Instead he made himself look like an asshole, and he’s probably completely ruined his chances with Carver, who—he can admit this to himself, even if he hasn’t said it out loud—might be the one girl who could save him from a P-22 fate.

“So figure out a plan, Niall, because Carver is probably sitting at your desk right now writing a note to you about how much of a dickhead you’re being, and your deserve it!” Final words voiced, Kayla hangs up.

Niall sighs, allows himself a moment of self-pity, and opens the notes app on his phone to make a list.

Before end of work day:

- Call plumber

- Figure out how to explain further delay to Wilsons

- Call Wilsons, explain, apologize

- File report with office

By tomorrow AM:

- Fix Carver problem

- Refill gas tank

- Sleep?

It’s shaping up to be a busy afternoon.

SEVEN.

Carver wakes up the next morning feeling perfectly normal, and then she remembers what she decided. Before she left the office, she pulled her note out from underneath Niall’s keyboard, signed her name to it with a flourish, and taped it to his monitor.

She sits up in bed, overcome with a wave of nausea. Assuming Niall went to the office last night, which he most likely did because he seems like the kind of person who follows his routines religiously, without exception, there is going to be a note waiting for her, and it’s probably not going to be a nice one.

But when she gets to Niall’s desk, there’s nothing there. Her note is gone, but there isn’t a new one.

Fuck. There are so many things this could mean. Maybe he read her note and was so annoyed by it that he decided she wasn’t worth responding to. Maybe he laughed and crumbled it up into a ball and tossed it over his shoulder as he walked through the parking lot to his car. Or maybe a janitor threw it away and he never even saw it.

Carver pushes it out of her mind, though, because she has work to do. There are numbers to be crunched and data to be sorted and there is plenty to distract her anxious mind.   

But she can’t get the note out of her head. How did he react to her note? Why didn’t he respond? Is she a terrible person for leaving it in the first place?

Just before 11 AM, Kayla pops her head over the edge of the cubicle, a mug of coffee in her hands. “Morning,” she says. “Can you do me a favor?”

Carver minimizes my spreadsheet and grins. “Of course. I need a break anyway.” That isn’t an overstatement. With all the circles her brain has been going in, Carver wonders how she managed to get anything done this morning.

“Great.” Kayla holds out a manila envelope. “Can you take an early lunch and drop this off for Horan at the Wilson house?”

Drop this off for Horan. Oh, shit.

“Of course,” Carver says, but meanwhile her brain is having a heart attack. She hates spur of the moment plans, she hates going to places she’s never been before, and mostly she hates that she might be about to confront Niall in a place she’s never been before, where she can’t control anything.

She can’t say any of that out loud, though, so she takes the envelope from Kayla and puts the address Kayla gives her into Google maps on her phone. She blasts the “Mamma Mia” soundtrack on the drive, but it doesn’t help calm her nerves.

Even though the house isn’t geographically that far away, it takes nearly half an hour to get there, which must be why Kayla told Carver she wouldn’t expect her back before two.  Los Angeles traffic is no exaggeration.

She parks her car at the end of a long driveway and pushes her sunglasses onto her head. She remembered them this morning, but she doesn’t think they’re going to save her from whatever is going to happen at the top of the drive.

The house is the first thing that shocks her. It’s beautiful, and that’s not a term she typically uses to describe architecture. She may work for West & Co., but she’s a math geek. She’s a human computer. She doesn’t have a natural taste for beautiful construction, but this she recognizes. It’s two stories and massive but not obviously so, because the facade has varying heights and it doesn’t look like an imposing box. She can tell, though, that the people who live here are loaded. There are mediterranean stones and slightly tinted window panes and she can just bet that the back of the house is entirely glass to give the residents the best possible view of the hills behind.  

She walks through a beautifully manicured front yard to find that the front door is open, so she goes inside without knocking. The front hall is two stories high, and a living room with mid-century modern furniture is on the right. It looks like it belongs in an Architectural Digest celebrity home tour on youtube. There is no clutter anywhere, like maybe no one lives in this house and it’s actually just used for filming and photoshoots.

Carver follows the sound of hammers through to the kitchen at the back of the house. There are floor to ceiling windows, just like she expected, and even though the kitchen is entirely deconstructed—it looks like custom cabinets are currently being installed—she can already tell it’s going to be beautiful.

“Hey, Horan!”

Shit. Carver follows the direction of the shout and steps further into the kitchen, and that’s when she sees him.

He’s outside, so they’re separated by a massive kitchen and a sliding glass door, but it’s definitely him.

It’s Mistletoe Boy.

It can’t be, though, right? He can’t be Niall. Niall can’t be him. They can’t be the same person.

But then somebody shouts, “Horan!” again and Mistletoe Boy turns and, oh shit, he’s coming this way, and Carver definitely cannot deal with this right now. She backtracks out of the house and grabs a construction worker who’s just coming in.

“Can you give this to Horan?” she asks, holding out the envelope. The guy wrinkles his brow, but he shrugs and takes the envelope. “Thanks,” Carver says, and then she practically runs to her car.

Carver starts the engine as she’s buckling her seatbelt (even though her mother taught her never to do that), and she drives out of the neighborhood with her heart attempting to beat its way out of her chest. She pulls into the first parking lot she sees, shuts off her car, and leans her head on the dashboard.

Of all the things to happen today, it had to be this. She had to find out that Mistletoe Boy and desk asshole Niall Horan are the same person, and that had to happen at his construction sight and it had to be a total surprise, and now she’s sitting in her car in a parking lot outside of a Whole Foods and this is fucking Beverly Hills or something (Carver really doesn’t know where the fuck she is right now) and she’s probably going to get arrested for having a panic attack in her car.

Deep breaths, Carver, her voice of reason tells her, and she leans her head back and tries to listen. Her dashboard post-it tells her that “EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE” but that doesn’t seem realistic right now.

Nonetheless, Carver says it out loud.

“Everything will be fine,” she tells the steering wheel.

“Everything will be fine,” she tells her bitten-down fingernails.

“Everything will be fine,” she tells her purse, haphazardly thrown on the floor on the passenger’s side as she rushed away from the Wilson house.

“Everything will be fine,” she tells herself.

Then someone knocks on her window, causing her to shriek.

Everything is not going to be fine.

EIGHT.

Carver looks up, eyes wide, and Niall regrets this immediately. When he saw Carver rushing to her car looking as though she’d seen a ghost, he knew instantly that she saw him, realized who he was, and panicked. His brain told him that if he let her go now, he might never see her again.

So he followed her out. He jumped in his truck and trailed her car out of the Wilsons’ fancy neighborhood and into the parking lot of a Whole Foods. Whole Foods is a store that he generally tries to avoid because the prices are ridiculous and all of the Prius drivers in the parking lot give him dirty looks when he parks his truck, but none of that matters right now.

What does matter is Carver, and she looks like she would rather cry than talk to him.

Too bad, because for the first time in a long time, Niall doesn’t want to walk away from this problem.

He meets Carver’s eyes and waves. She grimaces, so he tries to smile. Carver closes her eyes, takes a visible deep breath, and reaches for the door handle.

“Shit.” Niall takes a step back, out of her way, and tries not to panic. He didn’t really think this part through. What the hell is he going to say to this girl? This girl of his dreams? The girl who is now standing in front of him, leaning against her closed car door, looking up at him like he’s already broken her heart.

Damn, what a mess. Niall hates messes.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” Carver says. She looks exactly as he remembered her: green eyes, blond wavy hair, oversize glasses. Just as cute as she was before Christmas.

He said hi, then she said hi, so it’s his turn again. Unfortunately, his mind is blank.

This was much easier in December, when they were standing in the dark under the mistletoe and Niall didn’t yet know that the kiss they were about to share would haunt him for several weeks following.

“Sorry about the note I left you,” Carver says, saving his ass. “I shouldn’t have written any of that.”

Niall shakes his head. “No, I deserved it. I’m a terrible note writer.”

Carver bites her lip; she’s either holding back a smile or a frown. “You could definitely use some practice.” It’s definitely a smile.

Niall smiles back. “Will you let me try again tomorrow?”

Carver nods.

NINE.

Dear Carver,

This is what I should’ve written in the first note: I knew that you were using my desk, and by that I mean that I remember you from the Christmas party. I’m glad that you’re using my desk, but what I’d like better is if you’d go out on a date with me. I think you’re kind and funny and sweet, and I want to learn more about you.

Best,

Niall

TEN.

Dear Niall,

Yes.

- Carver

[pepperony3000-archive]

Wait Endgame is your second favorite? That's surprising! No judgement though, but now I want to know how you rank all of them

Oh goodness… that is TWENTY-THREE MOVIES to rank! That’s hard! This might get very jumbly at around the midway point…

1) Iron Man 3 - Everything about it is so perfect. The Iron Fam being chaotic but also 100% supportive of each other? Tony being the first superhero in history to deal with mental disorders blatantly!!! onscreen!!! The action is top notch. The final battle needs to be taught in film school because it’s literally a metaphor for Tony’s main personal theme of feeling like he’s nothing without his armor, but then at the end he’s able to leap from one to the other because it’s not the armor itself that makes him powerful, it’s that he has the powerbravery/will to leap from one to the other.

2) Avengers: Endgame - Y’all are looking at it wrong. Pretend the Infinity Saga is a TV show and it just ended, and now the rest of the MCU is a spinoff show featuring some of the newer/recently introduced characters, but without the core group of the original show.Suddenly the most important characters getting to leave with a bang isn’t as frustrating.But I also love it because it got my two favorite characters so beautifully right! Tony and Natasha, because they are the two who are deemed worthy enough to be turned into the big talking points of the movies, got to end their TV show finale with a huge glorious heroic sacrifice that will make them remembered forever!The time travel is also REALLY clever. And this is coming from someone who has watched a LOT of time travel shows/movies. There is literally only one movie I’ve ever seen that handled time travel better, and that was Arrival. They did away with the time travel paradox by having every past even just create an alternate timeline. And really? They only asked for suspension of disbelief in service of a joke that was not even that funny and I sort of hated and because they wanted the old Steve scene to have a particular emotional resonance, and having him come back through the portal old… wouldn’t have done that. 

3) Iron Man - I firmly believe that this is the best movie in the entirety of the MCU. It was the first, and yet it has never been topped. (and yet it’s #3 on my list rofl)It gave us a very complex lead character with a supporting cast that had a lot more depth in their first outing than some of the OG6 had after four movies (*cough*Clint*cough*Thor*cough* - Thor only got good development after Ragnarok). There was also subtlety to the story that it seems hollywood writers in general (and MCU specifically) is incapable of anymore.

4) The Avengers - the very first time in history we get a massive teamup of superheroes? sign me the FUCK up!Loki was a fantastic villain, the characterization of all of them (except for Clint… sorry, pal) was absolutely amazing, and it’s just pure unadulterated fun. Not much more to say than that.

5) Black Panther - Live Action Lion King (2019) WHOMST? There was a live action Lion King in 2018 and it was called Black Panther!I have a few issues with it fuck YOU vibranium! but it’s SUCH a good movie. T’Challa is quite possibly the noblest MCU character/lead, and the supporting cast are all incredible. I also loved the idea that the villain was… actually… right? Oh he was wrong a FUCK in deciding that the way to go about getting it was through violence, but his end goal was correct.Which is actually very subtle (and again… one of the very few MCU movies to do that) and very important message - because so often people seem to think that violence is the answer. Because the cause is “right” and “just”, excessive violence or threats of violence are considered the proper course of action. But as Killmonger proved, that wasn’t the way. Instead we all need to be like Nakia - who wanted the same thing, but worked for it through kindness, sacrificing her own desires, and making the first tiny hole in the dam.

6) Captain America: The Winter Soldier - I firmly hold that this is one of the most overrated MCU movies, and it’s what started Steve Rogers down his path to… the character he ended up becoming… but it is an excellent movie!Natasha gets amazing development, Sam Wilson is better in this movie than he has been since, and the emotional stakes are very high and very well thought out. Also I’m sorry but the bold political statement of “nazis torturing people is bad” is… not all that subtle? or bold? I don’t know why people are saying that this is the movie that addresses difficult political questions because… it doesn’t?

7) Spiderman: Far From Home - I’m sorry y’all, but I love my boy Peter Parker and if you don’t like this movie then I might just fight you.It was a terrific followup to Endgame, and Peter’s trauma was dealt with in a very realistic and unbearably painful way. Mysterio was the perfect villain for Peter to face, because he forces him to confront his trauma… even though he forces it by first torturing Peter with it, but Peter is forced to find a way to cope with his fears, his grief, and his feelings of inadequacy. Also Peter/MJ is the literal cutest and I love them so much.

8) Avengers: Infinity War - ngl this was a VERY tough battle between this and FFH, but FFH won by just a hair.Thanos is the greatest villain of our generation, quite possibly of the past 2-3 generations. The characters they chose to pair up together worked extremely well - I didn’t know how much I needed the Thor/tree/rabbit teamup until it happened. And then that ending… never before has the world held its breath together in such shared anguish as when we watched Spiderman all the characters we love so much fade away into dust. And there was a great cry in all  the world, such as never has been or ever shall be again!

9) Captain America: The First Avenger - Steve Rogers has never been better than he was in this film. Unfortunately it was all downhill after that, but it’s because of this film that he was my second favorite character for a good five years. There is a gentleness to this Steve that is utterly lacking starting in The Winter Soldier, where he becomes this machismo who obsesses far too much over anything he has one (1) emotion about because he doesn’t know how to handle it.This Steve Rogers is emotionally very intelligent, and is genuinely willing to do whatever it takes to do what is right.And I will say, I can understand why he made the decision he made in Endgame, because Peggy is such a brilliant and dynamic and interesting person, I don’t think anybody could have resisted staying with her (if she agreed to have him). @Marvel please bring back Agent Carter, because I need more Peggy.

10) Captain America: Civil War - This movie did a lot of studio mandated things, and because of that was weaker than it might have been, but I hold that it is a very good and very solid movie. Unfortunately, a big fault of the movie is that I don’t think Chris Evans believed in what he was performing, and so couldn’t give it the complexity that it needed (particularly as the Russo’s take input of their cast into consideration when making their movies… actors get to choose a lot of their own character beats unless it’s a plot-mandated beat). And unfortunately, Steve Rogers suffered for this.If The Winter Soldier is the one where he began obsessing over anything that gave him one (1) emotion, this is the movie where that tendency grew two extra heads and turned into a monster. Steve sees this argument the way a soldier who is used to following orders during wartime would, whereas Tony sees this argument the way a strategist during peacetime might. Steve thinks Tony is “trying to win a war before it starts”, while Tony thinks he’s deescalating rising tensions. And unfortunately, Steve is too blinded by his one (1) emotion to see the complexities in the situation.Which, while it frustrates me how poorly this movie did Steve’s personality, those dynamics are very interesting to watch play out onscreen. Plus, the dialogue is sharp and witty, and the emotional beats - particularly everything that has to do with Tony, is some of the most beautifully written and performed drama I’ve seen in a while.

11) Spiderman: Homecoming - This movie did such a good job of giving us a teenaged Peter Parker. All the other movies, Peter didn’t feel like a teenager. He felt like a grownup. This Pete is definitely a teenager - he’s a young kid in a big world trying to be a superhero, and because of that trying to take on problems that he is not experienced enough to take on.The journey he takes on this movie is to learn just exactly that, and by the end he probably is experienced enough now  to take on those bigger threats, but he makes the mature decision not to do that quite yet - proving exactly the kind of man he will eventually grow up to be.

12) Thor: Ragnarok - Finally Thor gets developed. Hemsworth really shows off his acting chops in this movie. He’s always been very charming as Thor, but this is the movie where we learned that he���s not just charming, but also a very talented actor. I personally found some of the clumsiness/slapstick around his character a bit much, but Hemsworth performed it perfectly.This is a movie where the story doesn’t actually matter. Honestly… who even remembers the story? The important thing about this movie are the characters, and they are all done incredibly well, except possibly Loki, and even he got some good development at the very end of it. Thor is finally an interesting character, Hela is an amazing villain, Bruce got some fun development, and Valkyrie should have been introduced five movies ago (@Marvel give me a Valkyrie movie! Why the FUCK are we reportedly getting Thor 4 when you could have had Thor stay behind as king of Asgard and giving Val her own  movie instead? Especially since all of Thor’s important relationships are dead or in the gotg movie, so he has nowhere to move on to! If we don’t have good characters/dynamics, Thor 4 will suck! It will also suck because the heart of his movies have been his relationship with his brother, and that’s gone now).

13/14) Ant Man and the Wasp/Ant Man - Honestly these movies can just be grouped together, because they’re very very similar, and all I would have to say about one I’d say about the other.

The Antman movies are very light hearted and comical, and the important thing here (like Ragnarok) is not the story, but the characters. The family relationships explored here honestly feel like real families - they just happen to live in a world with superheroes. I think AMaTW is the better of the two, but only by a little bit.

15) Iron Man 2 - This is another movie that was made lesser than it could have been due to executive meddling. Honestly, if you re-cut the movie and just take out all of Coulson’s scenes it becomes a much better movie (and would have gone higher on the list).As it is, Coulson dumps expositional world building that doesn’t really work in the context of the movie.What does work is the chaotic-yet-supportive Iron Fam (once again), and the introduction of Black Widow. I think Natasha might have had the best introduction in the MCU, because the audience was who she was fooling. Her job is to manipulate people and fool them into thinking she’s what she wants us to think she is, and only reveals the truth when she’s ready for it. And that is exactly how we were introduced to her. The underlying plot of Tony struggling with his imminent death was also incredibly well done. He wanted so desperately to not be dying, but there wasn’t anything that he could do. And when he ran out of options, he behaved in such a way to make things worse for him (health wise), because nothing was worse than sitting back and waiting for death to come. Better for it to come quickly and for the agony of just waiting for it to pass. Unfortunately Coulson takes away some of the gravitas of that by forgetting Tony was dying and threatening to taze him…All in all, a weak story but fleshed out by some of the best characters the MCU has ever created and introduced.

16) Doctor Strange - A decent movie with decent characters. There is nothing particularly memorable about it, but also nothing particularly bad about it either (beyond casting a non-Asian actress as the Ancient One).

17) Thor - Sort of like Doctor Strange, a decent movie with a charming lead but mostly terrible supporting cast. I will hold that none of the human characters are actually very good. At all. The best thing Ragnarok did was drop them all like the movie ruining load that they are.Once again, Loki is a good villain and an interesting character, and while Thor is underdeveloped he’s incredibly charming and likable in spite of that.

18) Captain Marvel - Yes I am a woman. Yes I disliked Captain Marvel. Can we move on from that please.If Thor is a decent movie with a charming lead, Captain Marvel is a decent movie with a terrible lead. I do not find Carol to be particularly interesting, and will hold that Brie Larson was incredibly miscast in the role. (if you want to hear why, you can peruse this). In general, it’s also a movie that relies a little bit too much on 90s nostalgia, and as somebody who personally hates when a movie relies on nostalgia to be considered “good”, all of that rubbed me the wrong way. The same applies to Ragnarok tbh, but I didn’t mention it up there because I wanted to rant about wanting a Valkyrie movie. (@Marvel please)Unfortunately, this movie is also not one bit subtle with it’s message. And as a woman, I do not relate to a woman whose only personality trait is “stand up to men”. Every other female character in the MCU is quite capable of standing up to men, and they all have a lot of character outside of that. And I will stop there because even saying that much risks me getting blocked right off of this hellsite…

19) Guardians of the Galaxy - I am definitely in the minority for this one, but I never liked this movie. If the 90s nostalgia in Captain Marvel rubbed me the wrong way, the 80s nostalgia in this movie was rubbing me the wrong way. with sandpaper.But my biggest problem with this movie is that Quill is not interesting enough (in my opinion) to be the central character. These characters all feel like sidekicks, and without a strong central lead for them to be sidekicks to, everything just feels very underdeveloped. I also find the humor in these movies to be very cheap and childish.However, I love that the team very much became a family. I believe in their relationships with each other even if each person as an individual character feels very weak.

20) Guardians of the Galaxy 2 - If you took GOTG1 and flipped it on it’s head, you’d get GOTG2. This is quite possibly the worst MCU movie ever, except that… somehow… it has some of the most heartfelt and meaningful emotional beats out of all of them.I felt every single emotional beat, and the fact that the characters were all sidekicks… actually worked well for this movie. They didn’t need to be more than sidekicks, because the “kick” part of sidekick stands for “kick ass”.However, the story was atrociously bad, and one of the worst the MCU has ever done, which is why it’s below GOTG1. But only slightly.

21) The Incredible Hulk - Does anybody even remember this movie? It was boring, uneventful, had the wrong guy playing Bruce Banner, and was just poorly written throughout. 

22) Thor: The Dark World - This movie is a boring, dreary, horribly written, badly directed mess. Some of the stuff up on Asgard was decent except for the fact that they fridged Frigga for no goddamn reason, and everything that happened on earth was goddamn awful, verging on embarrassing. And don’t even get me started on the dark elves. They were rightfully dropped from the MCU and never mentioned again because they are just That. Bad.

23) The Avengers: Age of Ultron - the movie where Joss Whedon fucked up Natasha’s backstory for the sake of his self-insert ship, infantilized Wanda Maximoff by insisting the woman with cleverly displayed cleavage who was clearly in her 20s was actually only 15, did not solidify the team as a family (THIS IS THE MOVIE WHERE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN GODDAMMIT), and disrespected literally every movie that came before (including his own goddamn flick).Wow I just realized that most of the awful shit he did was done to the female characters. Can you believe this disgusting asshole has the audacity to call himself a feminist? Fucking disgraceful…Fuck Whedon. He doesn’t deserve to come within a thousand yards of a woman.

[kaliforniakanada-blog]

CALIFORNIA x 7

As most of you probably know, I’ve been to California several times over the past four years. In fact, If we’re keeping count, this past trip has marked my 7th visit - and while every visit is eventful in its own way, this one was different... This one felt less like a trip, and more like returning home. 

I’ve wanted to move to California since the first time I visited. My love for it only intensifies every time I step off the plane. But this time... This time, having gone alone, I was able to do things that are less touristy and more local. And I think it made me feel like I was experiencing what my everyday life will eventually become. 

There are two events in particular that I’d like to cover in this piece that I associate with my feelings of homeyness. The first is the night Kailen and I spent at The Viper Room, and the second is my experience getting a tattoo at Shamrock Social Club. 

I’ve been wanting to visit The Viper Room since the day I fell upon a picture of Johnny Depp wearing a beanie that bore the name. I spend a lot of time looking up useless information, so when I saw the picture, my curiosity led me to google. The Viper Room is a bar/venue that Johnny opened and co-owned in the early 90s. His goal was to have a place where he and his friends could hang out and play music without being bothered by anybody. And while he hasn’t owned it since 2004, the place has become a huge LA landmark. After all, it is located on the sunset strip and also happened to be the location of River Phoenix’s death following a drug overdose. 

While I was already set on visiting The Viper Room simply because of its affiliation to Johnny Depp, learning about River Phoenix’s death resulted in an even stronger interest in it. I somehow came across a book titled “Last Night at The Viper Room” which doubles as both a historical timeline of the venue itself and also a biography of River Phoenix. The book is great, and if you’re looking for something to read I highly recommend it. 

My addictive and borderline obsessive personality (see: my obsession with Ed Sheeran, Hamilton/Lin-Manuel Miranda as references) led me to develop an infatuation with the place, and every time Kailen and I go to LA I force her to drive by it so that I can stare at it longingly and/or take a picture standing in front of it. I was never able to actually go inside because Kailen only just recently turned 21. 

Funnily enough, I kind of forgot about how badly I wanted to visit it because I’d become so used to telling myself that I couldn’t. So when I remembered that I could due to Kailen mentioning it, my stomach turned over in excitement. We decided to go to LA on Sunday but didn’t really put much planning into actually visiting it because we were preoccupied with whatever else we did that day. When we came to a point where we were at a loss for what to do, The Viper Room popped back into our minds. We decided just to see what it was that was going on, and it turns out that it was an open mic / jam night type thing. We were pretty upset to find out that tickets weren’t available online anymore, but we decided to drive over and try our luck at the door. 

“Go ask that guy!!!” Kailen said when this punk-rock looking dude walked out of the all-black building. 

“He’s halfway down the street now, I’m not going to chase him” I said in response. 

That exact scenario played out for like, 10 other individuals until finally one guy lingered around a motorcycle parked on the sidewalk for a while. I finally got up the nerve to jump out of the car and casually walk over to him without seeming overly enthusiastic. 

“Hey, do you work here?” I asked, to which he replied “I do tonight!”

“Band member. SCORE” I thought. 

I followed up with “I was just wondering if tickets are going to be available at the door tonight seeing as they aren’t online anymore?” 

The guy’s eyes lit up as he replied “Oh yeah, I think so. How did you hear about the event?” 

I explained that I didn't actually hear about this event in particular but that I’ve been wanting to visit the venue for years. His friend walked up and introduced himself, so we all exchanged names and I said I’d see them later when the venue opened. 

I was about to get back into the car when Rob, the guy I’d been talking to shouted “KATELYN! Come here!” I turned around and walked back towards him as he pulled two tickets out of his pocket and handed them to me. 

I thanked him profusely and reiterated that I’d see him later. I skipped back to the car and explained the entire exchange to Kailen, who was just as ecstatic as I was at the fact that I’d just somehow scored free tickets to a place we’ve both grown an interest in over the years. 

We sat in the car for about a half an hour, deciding that we didn't want to be the first ones inside because we’re awkward and wouldn’t know how to handle that kind of hypothetical pressure. Eventually, when we realized literally NO ONE had gone inside and the show was supposed to have begun, we got over ourselves and walked over to the doorman. He told us that was the back door and to swing around the side to get in. 

“WHAT??? This is the BACK DOOR? How the HECK did we not know that?” We said. 

This entire time I’d been posing for pictures at ~the back door~.

To be fair, it makes no sense that the back door would be located on The Sunset Strip and that the front would be on some random street who’s name I didn’t even bother to learn, but what can you do. 

We headed over to the front and made our way inside. 

It doesn’t look like much. If you knew nothing about it, you might even dismiss it as boring. But there was some sort of electrical current of excitement surging through my body, and I couldn’t believe that I was actually standing in a place that is a staple in Hollywood’s history. I was ecstatic. The entertainment was weird as hell, but I remained ecstatic for the duration of the evening. I asked the bartender for something fruity (because I am a wimp) and he handed over some concoction that literally resulted in me coughing after the first sip. I was like NOPE, and slid it over towards Kailen. 

Having been the only females in the entire establishment, Kailen and I got some pretty intense looks from the men scattered around the room. Normally, I’d find that type of thing unsettling, but in this case it was just plain hilarious. We hoped somebody would come over and fund our evening, and as it turns out, somebody did. I don’t like alcohol so I skipped out on the drinks, but Kailen got a free flow of it all evening and I was so stoked. Secondhand excitement. It was great, and it turns out one of the guys we met happens to be a production coordinator for a film company in Beverly Hills. We exchanged instagram usernames and after chatting a bit, he even offered to get me a gig at his work if I ever wanted one. WHAT? Yeah. 

All in all, our night at The Viper Room was unbelievably memorable for the sole reason that we got to live it. I was so full of anticipation after all these years that nothing could ruin it for me. Nothing. I felt so alive in that moment, and I’m so glad that I got to experience it with my best friend. 

The second thing that I consider a bucket list item that has been crossed off during this trip is the fact that I was ((somehow)) able to get a tattoo at Shamrock Social Club. 

When we got to LA on the day that we went to The Viper Room, I asked Kailen if we could swing by SSC just to see if I could somehow make an appointment with Dr. Woo (after several failed attempts over the phone from across the continent). I figured worst case scenario I could take a picture with him and that would cushion the blow if I couldn’t make an appointment. 

The guy sitting out front who I spoke to explained that he doesn’t work there anymore, but that all of the artists are trained by Mark Mahoney and that they’re all capable of doing the half needle, detailed, tiny tats that I’d fallen in love with at first sight. He also mentioned that they accept walk-ins and said that there probably would be a few slots on Monday or Tuesday. 

Tuesday came around and Kailen and I were discussing getting little K’s tattooed on our fingers to symbolize our friendship (it is pretty remarkable, after all). We shopped around different tattoo parlours in Orange County but came to find that they were all fairly expensive and I figured that if I was going to spend that much money on the base fare alone, that I’d prefer to splurge a little more and get one at the place I’ve loved since I found Dr. Woo on instagram a few years prior. I called SSC and spoke to Jake again (the guy I’d met outside) who said we should call back later to see if they’d be free around 9-10pm. I called around 6:30, and Jake said that they were pretty backed up and that the following day might be a better option. I explained that I was flying home at 1pm the next day and a few minutes later he got back to me, on instagram, with the words “can you be here within the next 30 minutes?” My eyes lit up as I ran to explain to Kailen that they had room but only if we could get there before 9. We got into the car and the GPS said it would take an hour in a half. For that entire hour and a half, I legitimately felt like I was going to vomit out of the window. I was so unbelievably excited that I would finally be able to get a tattoo at the parlour of my dreams on such short notice. I was seriously hoping that they’d have time to fit in Kailen too and that we could get our K’s, but the place is a little intimidating and not really very fitting for that type of request.

I was tattooed by Max Hanson who’s instagram is a literal portfolio of fine art. He explained to me that he’d been tattooing for about 3 years and I was seriously shocked to find that half needles HARDLY hurt in comparison to standard ones. The whole process took about 40 minutes and my leg twitched the entire time because I was still in shock, disbelief and amazement. I couldn’t process what was going on whatsoever. I was SO stoked. I still am, to be completely honest. 

While these two events may seem like nothing out of the ordinary to an individual who has no interest in or just never heard of these places, both were life changing to me and it still feels so surreal that I got to experience them. 

There is something magical about Los Angeles, despite the fact that its kind of dirty and big and weird and loud. I think that there’s a reason that people are drawn to it. It’s full of rock and roll / pop culture history and home to so many greats both past and present. I am completely, head over heels in love with it and also Southern California as a whole. 

Eventually, I will call it home. As a matter of fact, I already do... But eventually, I won’t have to say goodbye to it anymore. And when that time comes I’ll be drowning in happiness, in part because I will finally live where I belong, and in part because I will no longer be across the continent from my best friend (unless she decides to live in New York permanently in which case I will handcuff her to the Hollywood Sign). 

So as I said, while I’ve been to California 7 times now, this time was inherently different. This time was a firm confirmation that it is my end goal. 

Coming back to Montreal has never hurt this much.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever had a secret that you really just couldn't tell? Yes.

Has anything happened today that has upset you in any way? Yes. I’m having a particular issue that is making it difficult to eat and I’m just really frustrated and tired and hangry.

Is there someone in your life you tell every little thing to? No, but I share a lot in these surveys. Whoever reads them comes closest to that.

Do most of your friends have a significant other? One is married and the other two are single.

If I say "psycho", who is the first person that comes to your mind? That infamous shower scene with Janet Leigh screaming and you see the shadow of the guy with the knife doing the stabbing motion from the movie, Psycho.

Are there any stressful situations in your life right now? My life is a stressful situation.

Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My mom.

Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? Hmm. I like a bit of something from each of those. When I finally leave this hellhole city I live, I’ll have to figure out if I want to keep that city life or try something else. We shall see.

Do you think you could handle a day in jail? Nope.

How do you feel about middle-parted hair? I don’t feel any kind of way.

Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn't around now? Yes.

Did the last person you kissed have piercings? Nope.

Do you believe that your first true love can be your only love in life? No. For me, I think I’ll always care for him because he was my first love, but I have moved on. I could love again. I’m terrified because I don’t have any luck whatsoever in that department, but it could happen again.

Is anyone mad at you right now? I don’t think so.

Have you ever given up on anyone? Yes. Including myself.

Have you ever kissed someone you weren't dating? Yes.

Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up? Nope.

Who's the biggest douchebag you know? I don’t know any douchebags.

If your ex said they hated you, you'd say? I wouldn’t know what I did to feel so strongly about me in such a negative way.  I have the right to be hurt and heartbroken, but I don’t hate him. I don’t know why they’d hate me.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a D? Yes.

Did you ever waste too much time on someone that treated you bad? Mhm.

Who was the last girl you talked to? My mom.

Who was the last guy you talked to? My brother.

Was it a boy or a girl to last text you? A boy.

How do you feel right now? I described that in the first question. I’m still feeling the same way.

Have you ever dreamed about falling? That’s a sensation I have experienced a lot during sleep.

Who is the most obnoxious person you know? No one.

What was the last thing you 'liked' on facebook? Something funny, probably.

What was the last compliment you received? The girl at the place I got food at the other day said she liked my hair, and that the color looked good on me.

Do you cross your legs when you sit? Sometimes.

Do you still talk to your FIRST love? Not since last July.

Someone calls you at 3:00 AM; who do you expect it to be? someone with bad news <<< Same because no one calls me that hour.

What brings out the worst in you? When I’m extra moody and irritable, stressed, and hangry.

Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you? I feel like people judge me, yes. I also feel like people in my life think bad things about me. That’s probably because I think so badly of myself, and I feel like I’ve just been a shitty friend and person and blah.

In December, were you in a relationship? No.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? No.

Have you ever kissed under water? Nope.

Have you ever kissed a blonde haired, blue eyed person? I have not.

Has anyone ever said they will never let you go? Something like that.

When's the last time someone asked you to hang out, but you couldn't? That’s how it’s been for the past few months. I haven’t hung out with anybody in a long time.

How do you feel about people not replying to you? I always feel like I’m annoying people anyway, so when they don’t respond that only fuels the fire. I just think the worst, and I know it’s stupid, but that’s how I am.

Are you in a relationship? No.

Do you have self-respect? Not so much.

Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? Not completely, but pretty close.

Do you know how many people your best friend has had sex with? No.

Are your boobs real? Yes.

What was the last thing that made you laugh? Something on TV.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other? Yes. This question is dumb.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you? Not that I’m aware of? I don’t know why he would be.

Who was the last person you talked to in person? My mom.

Who was the last to call you beautiful? I don’t know.

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? Nopeeee. We never were in the three years we had whatever we had going on.

Is there that one guy that you'll always have feelings for no matter what? Yes.

Are you losing feelings towards anyone? No.

Ever liked someone who treated you wrong? Mhm.

The person you fell hardest for, do you still care about them? Yes.

Think of the last person who hurt you, do you forgive them? Yes. I had to, so I could move on. It doesn’t mean that you’re saying what they did is okay, it just means you’re not letting it dictate your life anymore. You’re not holding onto what was holding you back. It’s taking back the power that you gave them from harboring those emotions.

Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday? Yeah.

Would you ever be a stripper? No.

Do you ever wonder how other people see you? Yes.

Who did you last shoot a dirty look at? I don’t know.

Do you donate blood? I haven’t.

What was the last Youtube video you watched? A vlog one of the Youtubers I’m subscribed to posted this morning.

Is there any accent that you find sexy? I find Alexander Skarsgård’s accent and voice to be sexy.

What did the last IM you sent say? I don’t remember. It was something on Facebook Messenger.

Is there anyone getting on your nerves right now? No.

Do people underestimate you? I don’t know. I probably underestimate myself, but I really don’t give myself a lot of credit. I am my worst enemy.

Would you take your ex-significant other back? No.

Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? How many times as this been asked in some way or another? This is probably multiple surveys in one cause damn.

Who was the last baby you held? I think it was my cousins’ baby. It’s been a long time.

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Yeah.

Is it worth crying over a guy or a girl? I’ve sure done it a lot. If they meant a lot to you and they hurt you... well, it hurts. And when I’m upset, I cry.

Are you a flirt? Maybe a little, but only if I actually know the guy and have started to feel more comfortable. It’s subtle, though. They probably can’t even tell. Well, I know they can’t because I’ve been told, “I didn’t know you felt that way” when I thought I was being obvious.

Has the last person you texted ever been mad at you before? Probs. We’re siblings, it happens.

What was your worst mistake in your life? Oh boy.

Would you fall apart if the last person you kissed walked out of your life? He did walk out of my life for almost three years. I was heartbroken over it and had a hard time for a long time. I just felt so used, played, and incredibly stupid. I didn’t feel like I was good enough, and I blamed myself.

Why did you last tell someone you hated them? I haven’t told anyone that.

Who has your heart right now? Me.

Have you ever felt so hurt you can't move? Yes.

Have your parents ever caught you kissing a guy? No.

How many friends are on Facebook chat at the moment? I don’t know, and I don’t care to check.

Which one of your exes hates you the most? None that I know of. Damn. A lot of hate in this survey, too.

Do you believe there's two sides to every story? There always is. No matter how flat you make a pancake, there’s always two sides.

Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again? You are obsessed withe exes and who I last kissed. This has to be multiple surveys in one... anyway, no I don’t. And I don’t want to be with them again either.

Did you talk to anyone you didn't like today? No. There isn’t anyone in my life that I don’t like.

Are you talking to anyone right now? Nope.

Where did your last hug take place? In my living room.

Who was the last person that apologized to you? I don’t know.

Last shocking news you heard? One of my younger cousins is pregnant.

Are you named after anyone? Nope.

Does your password have numbers? Don’t worry about it.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? My brother.

Are you wearing any clothes that don't belong to you? No.

Have you ever had sex on the beach? Nope.

What reminds you the most of your last relationship? Blah.

Have you ever rejected someone but they still wouldn't give up on you? My only real ex tried for years to get back together even when I kept saying that I didn’t feel the same way.

Who gave you a hug last? Okay yeah, definitely more than one survey in one. I need a distraction, so that’s why I keep putting up with this survey. And it’s almost over now. Anyway, it was my mom.

How do you feel about guys who smoke? I don’t like smoking at all regardless of who’s doing it.

Is there anyone you would do anything for? Not anything, but just about.

Have any of your friends died of an overdose? No.

What woke you up this morning? My alarm.

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 113

My last session with Lynn before treatment was honestly probably the best possible session we could have had together. Lynn was so kind and it just went really well. I got there and sat down and I said that I really liked her hair because she had gotten a haircut and she was like oh thank you so much I got it cut and I was like it looks really good and she was like I always forget that I should be actually cutting my hair every so often. She said so you’re going and I said yeah and she said I talk to Peggy over the weekend and I said oh yeah? And she said yeah how are you feeling and I said well I don’t know I wouldn’t exactly say that I’m living the dream right now. She asked how I’ve been handling things with work and we talked about how hard it’s been leaving everyone but that ultimately I need to take care of myself and it’s OK and it’s going to be OK and we talked about two in particular that would be harder but it’s going to be Ok. I mention my parents coming this weekend and she asked when they would be here and I explained when and we talked about how that was going to go and I said essentially that I can go a couple different ways and I’m not really sure but I don’t really see any of them being super positive and I’m hoping to tell them that night before they leave and she was like honestly is it possible they’re going to comment on your weight loss though and I was like it’s certainly possible but I don’t know because there have been times when I’ve lost weight before and they’ve just sort of always ignored it and so it’s hard to know how they will actually react. I told her about how hard things have been for my husband and how it’s been really sad and difficult because this all really affects him and she said she strongly recommends that when we get back we do couples therapy and of course she would love it if my husband did his own therapy to work through his trauma and I was like I mean hopefully with family therapy at treatment he will have a positive experience and be more likely to do that work and I said I might be able to get him to do some of it by suggesting that he do trauma therapy to work through the memories of me being sick because he definitely will acknowledge that this has been traumatizing for him. We talked about the after treatment plan and she said that she would see me and she was like what are your thoughts on all of that and she was like because will you be calling me to schedule after and I was like as long as you are still willing to see me and she was like of course absolutely I want to see you and I was like wow I didn’t know and she was like I already talk to Peggy and I’m not sure what Peggy you think about all this because you know I want to make sure that you are definitely getting the right care that you need and then I started talking really fast and I was like I mean I’ll do whatever I have to do but I just don’t think it would be really helpful to have to get out of treatment and then try to start over with a new therapist while adjusting to normal life again as a post to coming back and seeing her when I know that I feel really comfortable and safe with her and I mean if there’s behaviors then obviously I see her point but what if there’s not any behaviors then there’s not really a need that seems sort of therapist because the only reason that you need to see meetings or Therapist’s because they’re going to make sure that they areI mean if there’s behaviors then obviously I see her point but what if there’s not any behaviors then there’s not really a need to have seen any sort of therapist because the only reason that you need to see an eating disorderor therapist is because they’re going to make sure that they are Making sure you aren’t using behaviors and if I’m not using babies and I don’t really need to be seeing one and literally it would be the equivalent of if you ask me every week am I following my meal plan but realistically Peggy would be continuing to wake me so she would know if I started to get off track and you and I both know that I’m always honest I’m not gonna lie and try to hide behaviors from anybody so if it wasn’t an issue then fine I’ll go see somebody and Lynn totally cut me off and was like breathe. Please breathe LOL she was like that’s OK and I completely understand what you are saying and I absolutely want to work with you when you get back talk to Peggy and see what she says about all of it but either way I will see you as soon as you get out and we can figure out the rest from there. She said she wanted me to ask the treatment center about EMDR for eds and I said honestly there’s just not a whole lot of research done with it at this point and last year at the conference the main thing was essentially that they were looking at using future template planning for fear foods and using regular processing to deal with food related bad memories or bad body image related memories which is essentially what I end up doing for people once they’re stable and she was like I was thinking more in terms of attachment issues because we both know that that’s a big component of all of this. I told Lynn that it was like honestly my biggest fear that she wasn’t going to work with me anymore after I got out of treatment and she looked confused but I was like well because Peggy acted like it was super adamant that I had to work with and eating disorder therapist and I was like maybe she didn’t really say that to you because maybe she thought about it because I literally had sat there in her office crying the whole time she talked about it. Lynn kind of laughed and was like OK well that’s not how this is going to go. I was like OK thanks. I was like speaking of attachment that I tell you about talking to Dixie.? She said no and so I told her about how it went when I told Dixie and how I had realized that there wasn’t going to ever be this moment of corrective experience that would really fix the damage that my parents had done and that essentially like it’s up to me to fix myself and I have to be the one to do it. She said she thought that was huge and such good insight for me to have and with going to treatment she was like that’s really great for you to have recognize that because that might help you to really move on from some of this and I was like yeah because I don’t feel like I’m going to keep hanging onto this moment of wanting somebody else to sort of save me and you know I think if there was ever a moment when that should’ve happened that would’ve been it because Dixie really did handle it perfectly and if that didn’t fix it then there’s not going to be that moment so I just have to fix myself. She started talking about I gaze with EMDR And that there are some training on it and to look into it but basically where you hold like prolonged I contact and she was like I feel like we are both pretty comfortable with each other and I would do it with you and it has to do with healing attachment injuries with the trauma treatment and I was like that’s really interesting and I could see that and I explained about how I contact helps prevent suicide as well. She said she thought that was really interesting but definitely made sense and aligned with what she had learned in the training. She said we have to work through that attachment stuff because it’s keeping me sick and I agreed. I said that I just wish that regarding all of that stuff that like mattering to people with something that stuck because even like with telling people that I’m going to treatment and I told her about how I told Juliana and how she had cried and howling with Dixie crying words like I’ve had several of these moments where I tell somebody and there’s no way that I can logically bullshit and excuses for them thinking that they care about me like there’s no arguing that they genuinely care about me but it’s like that never sticks and I’m always so dumbfounded by those moments where Chris is like why are you surprised that people care and that you matter to them and I’m like I don’t know but it’s always surprising to me and Lynn was like it’s because that earlier attachment system was broken from a young age and it’s OK we’re going to work on that and fix it. We also randomly talked about insurance reimbursement for work and she told me to get on arenas panel because they. Reimburse well and are easy to work with. We talked about how an insurance company raised their fee and I can bill sixty minutes, which is nice because no one ever just doesna 45 minute session. At the beginning of session she also told me the med provider will schedule with me when I get out as well. She said her obsessive stuff is tough and she’s experienced it in high stress. She said they’ve already talked and will schedule for after and left the treatment center initially handle that. We talked about actually going and having a release of info on file. She joked about being disorganized and not able to find it and was like hm primary care doctor, I was like Lynn just cross out pcp and use that and she had that moment of oh duh and did that. I joked about not suing her if she didn’t have one but I totally understood the anxiety. She said she always had a lot of anxiety about the legal stuff so we filled it out and I paid her for my session. When I got up to leave she opened her arms for a hug and she told me that she was so proud of me and then I could do this and to work hard and that she loved me. She said I would get through this and that she would be here when I’m back.

[newsvomit-blog]

Plaintiff at center of landmark gay-rights case never got to witness his victory

“It was a good landing,” Donald Zarda told a TV reporter as he unstrapped his helmet after landing safely on the ground in Castelo, Brazil, where he was competing in the 2013 World Wingsuit Race.“Any landing you walk away from is a good landing.”At that time, Zarda was 43 years old.He had taken up BASE-jumping just a few years earlier and had been skydiving for more than 20 years.

Extreme sports, especially skydiving, were his life’s passion, according to his family, and they were also the cause of his untimely death in 2014, four years before a landmark gay-rights lawsuit would be decided in his favor.In 2010, while working as a skydiving instructor at Altitude Express in New York, Zarda told a female student that he was gay.According to legal documents, he often informed his female clients of his sexual orientation to “mitigate any awkwardness that might arise from the fact that he was strapped tightly” to them during a tandem skydive.In this particular instance, however, his disclosure backfired.The woman informed her boyfriend about Zarda’s comment, and her boyfriend in turn complained to Altitude Express, which promptly fired Zarda.When Zarda found out the student had also accused him of inappropriately touching her during their skydive, he was “absolutely mortified,” according to William Allen Moore, Zarda’s former partner.Citing Zarda’s professionalism and obsession with safety, Moore said there was “absolutely no way” Zarda would have touched anyone inappropriately.In September 2010, Zarda filed a lawsuit against his former employer claiming the company violated Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 by discriminating against him because of his sexual orientation.Zarda and Moore met nearly 20 years ago in Dallas, Texas, when they were 30 and 26, respectively.

Zarda had been working at a skydiving company near Austin at the time.Moore recalled meeting the “very handsome, Greek god” in a Dallas club and said they immediately hit it off.Looking back, Moore said he was not surprised when the very next morning Zarda invited him to go skydiving.Moore has jumped 10 times since that first jump with Zarda.

“He was the person you wanted to go with if you ever went skydiving,” Moore said.Zarda lived a rather nomadic lifestyle, jumping from one place to the next, from one continent to another, Moore said.As Zarda traveled and skydived around the world over the years, Moore would often accompany him.The third of four children, Zarda grew up on a Missouri estate where horses, chickens and stray cats were commonplace.Anyone who knew “Don,” as he was affectionately known by his friends and family, knew that he loved animals, according to Moore.

The couple had even shared six cats in their Dallas home.From extreme sports to sharpshooting to computer networking, Zarda’s younger sister, Melissa, described him as a jack-of-all-trades.“He was incredibly smart.That’s the first thing anybody would say,” Melissa Zarda said of her big brother.“I remember playing with cars and trucks, while he would be wiring circuit boards and drawing blueprints as a little kid.”She said her brother attended Wentworth Military Academy and College in Lexington, Missouri, as a teenager but never finished his training at the military junior college.

Shortly after, he left home, picking up odd jobs wherever he could find them.Melissa Zarda recalled a time when her brother, then in his mid-20s, had been away for several months, and when he finally returned home, he came out as gay to the family.“It was a non-event,” she laughed, saying everyone had already suspected he was gay and was just waiting for him to come out.“I think he was kind of disappointed nobody had any big questions.”“We went to the park afterwards, and he was driving, and we came up to a stoplight.I told him to go straight, and he responded, tongue-in-cheek, that he could only go forward,” she added.Zarda was a “big civil rights proponent” and an active member of Dallas’ LGBTQ community, according to Moore.

He was also a bit of a rebel and enjoyed breaking stereotypes and gender norms, Moore added.Moore recalled a time when Zarda broke his leg on a jump while in New York.At the hospital, the doctor asked him what color cast he wanted.“Pink,” he responded matter-of-factly.

Moore recalled the tall, athletic Zarda hopping around for months with his bright pink cast and matching toenails.By his early 20s, Zarda had decided skydiving was not just a phase, but one of his life’s greatest passions, and he wanted to make a career out of the sport.“From the moment of his first jump, he was hooked.It was like a switch went off,” Melissa Zarda said.“He sold whatever he could [in order to get] all the certifications, classes, you name it.”His love for skydiving and the career he had built around it made the loss of his job at Altitude Express and the ensuing lawsuit even more unbearable, according to his sister.

She recalled the numerous times he would cry on the phone talking about it.“It was a weight he carried,” she said.After his termination, he quickly sunk into a deep depression, according to his sister and Moore.They said he feared he would be unemployable, because the allegations would be the first thing to appear in a web search of his name.He had been pursuing a bachelor’s degree in aviation management, but he had lost all motivation to complete the degree, according to Moore, who said he pushed Zarda to finish.

Even after he did complete his requirements, Moore said he was “discouraged and never applied for his degree.”“After he died, I made a point to ask his sister to apply for the degree,” Moore added.BASE-jumping is an extreme sport where one jumps off a fixed structure or cliff with a parachute or wingsuit.Considered much more dangerous than skydiving from a plane, it is prohibited in most of the U.S.While Zarda had tried BASE-jumping prior to his termination, Moore said he began aggressively pursuing the fringe sport soon after.Moore said it was his way of coping with the situation, as he believed he had lost the chance to ever work as a skydiving instructor again.“Had he not been fired, the insane BASE-jumping in Europe never would have happened,” Moore said.Before his death, Zarda could be found jumping off rock faces in the Swiss Alps or off snowy mountain tops in Italy.

He could no longer find work as a skydiving instructor, and he “had nothing to do anymore,” Moore said.Beginning in 2011, Zarda would go to Europe from June to November on BASE-jumping trips with friends.Moore said he would tell Zarda that he was playing Russian roulette.“I knew he was going to die from this, and I think he knew he was going to die from this, too,” Moore said.In October 2014, two weeks before Zarda was to return to the states, Moore got a text from a friend of Zarda’s who was with him in Switzerland on a BASE-jumping trip.

“He told me there had been accident,” Moore said.“There is no one who walks away from an accident in BASE- jumping.”Zarda’s death hit home hard.In 2008, Zarda’s family experienced the passing of Zarda’s older sister, Gara.

“I thought to myself, ‘I can’t believe this is happening again,’” Melissa said of receiving the news about her brother’s death.She recalled getting an early morning phone call from Moore that day.“I honestly knew that something was wrong, because there was no reason he would call me that early,” she said.As Moore delivered the news in his Texas drawl, she said it felt like she was having an out-of-body experience.

“It was so surreal.”As they were coping the with the sudden death of their partner and brother, Moore and Melissa Zarda also had his lawsuit hanging over their heads.“There was no question that we were going to pursue the case,” Melissa Zarda stated.She and Moore decided to continue with the case against Altitude Express as co-executors of Zarda’s estate.On Monday, Feb.26, nearly eight years after Donald Zarda filed his initial lawsuit against his former employer and almost four years after his death, the 2nd U.S.

Circuit Court of Appeals decided in his favor.In the landmark case, Zarda v.Altitude Express, the federal court ruled that Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act prohibits discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and found that Zarda was unlawfully fired from his job for being gay.“I wish he could have been here, because he never would have thought it would get this far,” Moore told .

“He would have been so happy and elated that he changed this for LGBT people.”Monday’s 2nd Circuit ruling, which covers New York, Connecticut and Vermont, joins a similar ruling out of the Chicago-based 7th U.S.Circuit Court of Appeals, which ruled that Kimberly Hively, an instructor at an Indiana community college, was protected by Title VII after she had been terminated for being gay.The Atlanta-based 11th Circuit ruled in the opposite direction, and, with the circuit courts currently split on the issue, it could eventually make its way to the Supreme Court.“This is going to come up again,” Gregory Antollino, Zarda’s lawyer told .

“My personal feeling, and it is not the feeling of everyone, is that the Supreme Court wants more circuits to chime in on the issue before they make a decision,” he said, noting the high court waited until all 11 circuit courts had brought up same-sex marriage before it decided to take up the issue.For now, however, Zarda’s family is focused on celebrating the historic win.“The years of stress have finally amounted to something,” Melissa Zarda said with a sense of relief.“Other than skydiving, nothing was as important as this case for my brother.”FOLLOW OUT ON TWITTER, FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM.Source: NBC News.

Plaintiff at center of landmark gay-rights case never got to witness his victory was originally published on NewsVomit

[alamkhatoon]

Thunder thighs. Mum tum. Tuckshop lady arms. Far from a biological predisposition, our modern tendency to criticise parts of our own body is instead an ugly by-product of a media-saturated world. Something that the October 2018 cover models and founders of body-love movement, AnyBODY, are on a mission to change.

West-Aussie models and body confidence activists Georgia Gibbs and Kate Wasley sat down with us to talk the impact of social media, health at any size and beauty with no boundaries. Because – in the words of WH&F – it’s not a look, it’s a lifestyle. Katelyn Swallow and David Goding tell their story.

  On the 23rd of January 2017, 22-year-old Aussie model Georgia Gibbs posted an innocent Instagram photo of herself and fellow model and friend Kate Wasley, 23, posed in front of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. A few minutes later, the image was bombarded with negative comments about their differing body sizes, along with accusations of image tampering.

“People were calling me anorexic and Kate fat, and assuming I had Photoshopped my friend bigger to make me look ‘better’. It was really upsetting for us both and so against everything we believe in,” says Gibbs, who started modelling at the age of 16 in her home city of Perth.

“And so our brand, AnyBODY, was born shortly after.”

Launched on the 8th of March 2017 – appropriately, International Women’s Day – the @any.body_co Instagram account had over 5000 followers by close of business day one, and clocked over 20,000 followers after the first 10 days. Today, more than 206,000 follow Gibbs and Wasley, who post professional images of themselves, selfies of women with varied body shapes, inspirational quotes about self-love, and healthy living and beauty tips. AnyBODY has also provided the girls with a host of dual modelling contracts for big brands such as Cotton On Body and Cooper Street.

Wasley attributes the brand’s rapid success to a public and industry that craved body diversity – and a marketable icon to represent it.

“I can’t believe how fast AnyBODY blew up! Although [Georgia] and I are really only two people of different sizes, I truly believe that incorporating a range of sizes, races and genders in advertising and across social media will help thousands of women worldwide when it comes to feeling comfortable in their own skin,” says Wasley, who began her modeling career in 2015 after being discovered by a local model search.

“We decided to preach to people that healthy can come in a range of sizes. Because of the way social media is these days, I think a lot of women lose perspective on what body diversity is. I think a lot of people get sucked into believing that you should look a certain way, be a certain size, and have no cellulite or stretch marks. It’s unrealistic and we want that to change.”

The media’s negative influence on people’s – particularly women’s – body image isn’t a recent concern. According to psychotherapist Natajsa Wagner, media influence can be traced back to illustrations from the 1930s that depicted women with curves, while the ’40s and ’50s saw the female bust and glutes become the focus.

“Mattel created the Barbie doll with unachievable and disproportionate body parts, and in 1966, in the environment of an emerging super-media, we had the world’s first supermodel in Twiggy. She was a sharp contrast to Marilyn Monroe, and over time we learnt that thin was the new ‘ideal’ body image. So, although women come in all shapes and sizes, the overarching truth is that only one type of body is [portrayed as] ‘ideal’,” says Wagner.

By the age of 17, women have experienced a quarter of a million beauty- and body-oriented advertisements, and continue to be exposed to an average of 400 to 600 depictions of ‘beauty’ every day. The emergence of the smartphone and social media platforms puts these images in our pockets, and the way we engage with social media makes these often digitally altered and filtered depictions seem all the more ‘real’. According to research by Trilogy, six out of 10 women believe that people expect online photos to have been retouched or have a filter applied, yet 61 per cent of Australian women do not see the use of a filter as a form of retouching. Additionally, one 2014 study published in Body Image found a direct correlation between poor self-image and the number of hours spent trawling Facebook, due to body comparisons with peers and celebrities alike.

Dr John Demartini, author of The Gratitude Effect, believes our tendency to compare and judge our own body based on individuals who we deem more ‘attractive’ is the primary cause of negative self-perception. “In today’s social media-obsessed world, many people feel pressured to pursue a physical, one-sided, false perfection that is simply unattainable,” he says.

In other words, it’s not a biologically determined position to think of our body negatively; rather, our body image is influenced by a range of outside factors, fuelled by a visually obsessed (and self-obsessed) society. For Wasley, this tendency to compare herself to others led to a host of mental and physical issues in her younger – and leaner – years. While now sitting happily at a comfortable size 16, at her thinnest (size 10/12) she was mentally exhausted.

“For me, my biggest barriers [to a positive body image] were comparing myself to others, whether that be my friends or ‘fitspo’ girls I followed on social media. I had such an unrealistic idea of what I should look like and that resulted in not feeling good enough or worthy of love,” she says.

“I stopped going out with friends because I had such bad anxiety about food and alcohol. I didn’t want to be seen as the ‘fat’ friend – although, looking back now, I was very fit and toned. It’s amazing how you see yourself when you feel insecure; my view of my own body was totally warped. If I can help even one person work their way out of that mindset, I’ll feel accomplished.”

Gibbs expresses a similar memory of juvenile body dysmorphia.

“I remember being 16 and being unsure of who I was, being unhappy with how I looked and spending so much time comparing myself to other people. It really ruined my ability to love myself for all my other talents outside of physical appearance. Barriers to my own self-love definitely came from setting unachievable goals – such as wanting to look like a celebrity who was the complete opposite to me, therefore setting myself up to fail – and comparing myself to others on social media,” she says.

An extension of the same debate is the complex interplay of health, genetics and lifestyle on how the body appears – especially considering Australia’s worsening obesity epidemic, not to mention the ever-increasing occurrence of eating disorders. Gibbs’ mother was a personal trainer and her father a CrossFit instructor, so healthy food and exercise were integrated into her life from an early age – but both were seen as tools for optimal performance rather than to create a particular body shape. Early in her modelling career, however, Gibbs’ naturally curvaceous silhouette and muscular lower body were often criticised by an industry set on slim.

“I’m predisposed to having a small waist, bigger quads and broad shoulders. But through training, these features are definitely exaggerated and other areas built on and changed too,” says Gibbs.

“I’ve always had to overcome hurdles about my appearance. But over the last few years – as I’ve built a brand around myself of wellness and self-acceptance – it’s been amazing to see clients accept me for who I am and now embrace the ‘love AnyBODY’ message.”

Wasley, on the other hand, comes from a paternal line of tall and built physiques, and first became conscious of her health at age 17.

“I was never self-conscious [growing up]. I knew I was on the bigger side, but I honestly didn’t have a problem with it until I started to compare myself to other girls. Maybe it was about the same time I became interested in boys…who knows. But I remember not having a clue where to start,” she says.

“I feel like I’ve finally reached a place of contentment and balance, which I’m truly grateful for! I eat healthy and exercise, and I’m a size 16, and I feel if I were to stop [exercising and eating well] completely, I’d maybe sit at a size 16/18 naturally – but my body would look different, if that makes sense.”

The World Health Organization defines health as “a state of complete physical, mental, and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity” – a sentiment the AnyBODY team echo. Gibbs and Wasley encourage women to see good health as encompassing the physical, the mental and the spiritual. It’s about balance, the ability to move freely and think clearly, and it’s highly individual.

“Health is so much more than your physical fitness,” says Wasley. “To an extent, I don’t believe you can judge how healthy a person is based on their weight and physical being. For example, when I was at my thinnest, people were asking me left right and centre for fitness advice; I suddenly became the ‘fit friend’, running 10km multiple times a week and avoiding alcohol. If you looked at me, I was the picture of health. But what no one knew was that I was dealing with disordered eating, I was isolating myself from social events and my friends, and I was so miserable and hated how I looked. I wasn’t healthy at all.”

WH&F head trainer and Creating Curves founder, Alexa Towersey, agrees.

“As a society, we need to redefine what we think ‘healthy’ looks like. The reality of the situation is that body dysmorphia exists at both ends of the spectrum. We naively live under the assumption that a size 10 is making healthier choices than a size 16 based solely on their appearance, and without even taking into consideration age, ethnicity, genetic makeup or hormonal profile.  It’s the underlying relationship with food and exercise – whether it’s positive or negative – that we should be paying attention to,” she says.

Toeing the line between adopting a positive body image and striving to reach your health and fitness goals is not always easy. But for the AnyBODY brand and for a fair chunk of body image experts, striving for physical change isn’t necessarily a negative thing; wanting to create a healthier, fitter body that exudes confidence can be a noble goal and set you on a journey that invigorates, rather than sabotages, your self-esteem. The important thing is to understand why you are wanting to change, says Wagner.

“We’ve all experienced feeling uncomfortable in our bodies: we know when we feel physically fit, healthy and comfortable in our clothes and we know when we don’t. Wanting to make changes to positively impact our health isn’t wrong,” she says.

“However, when you start to define your level of self-worth and value by how you believe your body should look, the desire to improve your body or work towards a better level of health has gone too far. Do it for the endorphins; do it because you’re looking after your body and challenging yourself. There is a huge amount of research now that shows exercise to be one of the most uplifting tools we have and makes us feel good about our current body shape.

“A positive body image means a person is able to accept their body as it is with respect and admiration. Living with a positive body image means you have the ability to utilise your own self-esteem, maintain a positive attitude and are emotionally stable. Because of this, you’re able to filter through the messages from the media, your peers and family, and remain steadfast in how you feel about your body.”

While Wasley and Gibbs admit they’ve had to work hard to become body-positive, the duo hope the AnyBODY brand can help more women accept their appearance and feel empowered in their journey to good health; and, for them, this starts with a greater diversity of body shapes and sizes being represented on the catwalk, in advertising, in clothing sizes and in the media. Already, key brands have taken their cue, with Cooper Street releasing their ‘curve range’ inspired by the movement. Future plans for AnyBODY centre on launching their Skype for Schools program, tackling teenagers’ self-esteem, body confidence and personal development issues, while Wasley is looking to one day complete her Health Promotion degree to further advance the cause. But, in the interim, both Gibbs and Wasley offer one piece of solid advice: quit the comparisons and learn to love you – for you.

“Today I feel fantastic about my body the majority of the time. I still have my bad days because, well, I’m human – but they’re now few and far between. I think it’s the way I deal with it now that has been my biggest achievement. I focus on things I love about myself instead of dwelling on what I dislike. I have health and fitness goals now rather than weight or size goals,” says Wasley.

“Loving your body is an individual journey that’s completely different for everyone. But my top tip is not to compare yourself to anyone – especially on social media – because often you’ll be comparing yourself at your worst to someone at their best. Just remember you are worthy of love, no matter what you look like. There are people out there that love you for you, and don’t give a crap about what you look like. Those are the people worth keeping around.”

ALL FEATURE photography: Cotton ON Body

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  from Lifestyle http://ift.tt/2BRkJhE

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Full story: talking body confidence with cover models Georgia Gibbs and Kate Wasley

Thunder thighs. Mum tum. Tuckshop lady arms. Far from a biological predisposition, our modern tendency to criticise parts of our own body is instead an ugly by-product of a media-saturated world. Something that the October 2018 cover models and founders of body-love movement, AnyBODY, are on a mission to change.

West-Aussie models and body confidence activists Georgia Gibbs and Kate Wasley sat down with us to talk the impact of social media, health at any size and beauty with no boundaries. Because – in the words of WH&F – it’s not a look, it’s a lifestyle. Katelyn Swallow and David Goding tell their story.

  On the 23rd of January 2017, 22-year-old Aussie model Georgia Gibbs posted an innocent Instagram photo of herself and fellow model and friend Kate Wasley, 23, posed in front of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. A few minutes later, the image was bombarded with negative comments about their differing body sizes, along with accusations of image tampering.

“People were calling me anorexic and Kate fat, and assuming I had Photoshopped my friend bigger to make me look ‘better’. It was really upsetting for us both and so against everything we believe in,” says Gibbs, who started modelling at the age of 16 in her home city of Perth.

“And so our brand, AnyBODY, was born shortly after.”

Launched on the 8th of March 2017 – appropriately, International Women’s Day – the @any.body_co Instagram account had over 5000 followers by close of business day one, and clocked over 20,000 followers after the first 10 days. Today, more than 206,000 follow Gibbs and Wasley, who post professional images of themselves, selfies of women with varied body shapes, inspirational quotes about self-love, and healthy living and beauty tips. AnyBODY has also provided the girls with a host of dual modelling contracts for big brands such as Cotton On Body and Cooper Street.

Wasley attributes the brand’s rapid success to a public and industry that craved body diversity – and a marketable icon to represent it.

“I can’t believe how fast AnyBODY blew up! Although [Georgia] and I are really only two people of different sizes, I truly believe that incorporating a range of sizes, races and genders in advertising and across social media will help thousands of women worldwide when it comes to feeling comfortable in their own skin,” says Wasley, who began her modeling career in 2015 after being discovered by a local model search.

“We decided to preach to people that healthy can come in a range of sizes. Because of the way social media is these days, I think a lot of women lose perspective on what body diversity is. I think a lot of people get sucked into believing that you should look a certain way, be a certain size, and have no cellulite or stretch marks. It’s unrealistic and we want that to change.”

The media’s negative influence on people’s – particularly women’s – body image isn’t a recent concern. According to psychotherapist Natajsa Wagner, media influence can be traced back to illustrations from the 1930s that depicted women with curves, while the ’40s and ’50s saw the female bust and glutes become the focus.

“Mattel created the Barbie doll with unachievable and disproportionate body parts, and in 1966, in the environment of an emerging super-media, we had the world’s first supermodel in Twiggy. She was a sharp contrast to Marilyn Monroe, and over time we learnt that thin was the new ‘ideal’ body image. So, although women come in all shapes and sizes, the overarching truth is that only one type of body is [portrayed as] ‘ideal’,” says Wagner.

By the age of 17, women have experienced a quarter of a million beauty- and body-oriented advertisements, and continue to be exposed to an average of 400 to 600 depictions of ‘beauty’ every day. The emergence of the smartphone and social media platforms puts these images in our pockets, and the way we engage with social media makes these often digitally altered and filtered depictions seem all the more ‘real’. According to research by Trilogy, six out of 10 women believe that people expect online photos to have been retouched or have a filter applied, yet 61 per cent of Australian women do not see the use of a filter as a form of retouching. Additionally, one 2014 study published in Body Image found a direct correlation between poor self-image and the number of hours spent trawling Facebook, due to body comparisons with peers and celebrities alike.

Dr John Demartini, author of The Gratitude Effect, believes our tendency to compare and judge our own body based on individuals who we deem more ‘attractive’ is the primary cause of negative self-perception. “In today’s social media-obsessed world, many people feel pressured to pursue a physical, one-sided, false perfection that is simply unattainable,” he says.

In other words, it’s not a biologically determined position to think of our body negatively; rather, our body image is influenced by a range of outside factors, fuelled by a visually obsessed (and self-obsessed) society. For Wasley, this tendency to compare herself to others led to a host of mental and physical issues in her younger – and leaner – years. While now sitting happily at a comfortable size 16, at her thinnest (size 10/12) she was mentally exhausted.

“For me, my biggest barriers [to a positive body image] were comparing myself to others, whether that be my friends or ‘fitspo’ girls I followed on social media. I had such an unrealistic idea of what I should look like and that resulted in not feeling good enough or worthy of love,” she says.

“I stopped going out with friends because I had such bad anxiety about food and alcohol. I didn’t want to be seen as the ‘fat’ friend – although, looking back now, I was very fit and toned. It’s amazing how you see yourself when you feel insecure; my view of my own body was totally warped. If I can help even one person work their way out of that mindset, I’ll feel accomplished.”

Gibbs expresses a similar memory of juvenile body dysmorphia.

“I remember being 16 and being unsure of who I was, being unhappy with how I looked and spending so much time comparing myself to other people. It really ruined my ability to love myself for all my other talents outside of physical appearance. Barriers to my own self-love definitely came from setting unachievable goals – such as wanting to look like a celebrity who was the complete opposite to me, therefore setting myself up to fail – and comparing myself to others on social media,” she says.

An extension of the same debate is the complex interplay of health, genetics and lifestyle on how the body appears – especially considering Australia’s worsening obesity epidemic, not to mention the ever-increasing occurrence of eating disorders. Gibbs’ mother was a personal trainer and her father a CrossFit instructor, so healthy food and exercise were integrated into her life from an early age – but both were seen as tools for optimal performance rather than to create a particular body shape. Early in her modelling career, however, Gibbs’ naturally curvaceous silhouette and muscular lower body were often criticised by an industry set on slim.

“I’m predisposed to having a small waist, bigger quads and broad shoulders. But through training, these features are definitely exaggerated and other areas built on and changed too,” says Gibbs.

“I’ve always had to overcome hurdles about my appearance. But over the last few years – as I’ve built a brand around myself of wellness and self-acceptance – it’s been amazing to see clients accept me for who I am and now embrace the ‘love AnyBODY’ message.”

Wasley, on the other hand, comes from a paternal line of tall and built physiques, and first became conscious of her health at age 17.

“I was never self-conscious [growing up]. I knew I was on the bigger side, but I honestly didn’t have a problem with it until I started to compare myself to other girls. Maybe it was about the same time I became interested in boys…who knows. But I remember not having a clue where to start,” she says.

“I feel like I’ve finally reached a place of contentment and balance, which I’m truly grateful for! I eat healthy and exercise, and I’m a size 16, and I feel if I were to stop [exercising and eating well] completely, I’d maybe sit at a size 16/18 naturally – but my body would look different, if that makes sense.”

The World Health Organization defines health as “a state of complete physical, mental, and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity” – a sentiment the AnyBODY team echo. Gibbs and Wasley encourage women to see good health as encompassing the physical, the mental and the spiritual. It’s about balance, the ability to move freely and think clearly, and it’s highly individual.

“Health is so much more than your physical fitness,” says Wasley. “To an extent, I don’t believe you can judge how healthy a person is based on their weight and physical being. For example, when I was at my thinnest, people were asking me left right and centre for fitness advice; I suddenly became the ‘fit friend’, running 10km multiple times a week and avoiding alcohol. If you looked at me, I was the picture of health. But what no one knew was that I was dealing with disordered eating, I was isolating myself from social events and my friends, and I was so miserable and hated how I looked. I wasn’t healthy at all.”

WH&F head trainer and Creating Curves founder, Alexa Towersey, agrees.

“As a society, we need to redefine what we think ‘healthy’ looks like. The reality of the situation is that body dysmorphia exists at both ends of the spectrum. We naively live under the assumption that a size 10 is making healthier choices than a size 16 based solely on their appearance, and without even taking into consideration age, ethnicity, genetic makeup or hormonal profile.  It’s the underlying relationship with food and exercise – whether it’s positive or negative – that we should be paying attention to,” she says.

Toeing the line between adopting a positive body image and striving to reach your health and fitness goals is not always easy. But for the AnyBODY brand and for a fair chunk of body image experts, striving for physical change isn’t necessarily a negative thing; wanting to create a healthier, fitter body that exudes confidence can be a noble goal and set you on a journey that invigorates, rather than sabotages, your self-esteem. The important thing is to understand why you are wanting to change, says Wagner.

“We’ve all experienced feeling uncomfortable in our bodies: we know when we feel physically fit, healthy and comfortable in our clothes and we know when we don’t. Wanting to make changes to positively impact our health isn’t wrong,” she says.

“However, when you start to define your level of self-worth and value by how you believe your body should look, the desire to improve your body or work towards a better level of health has gone too far. Do it for the endorphins; do it because you’re looking after your body and challenging yourself. There is a huge amount of research now that shows exercise to be one of the most uplifting tools we have and makes us feel good about our current body shape.

“A positive body image means a person is able to accept their body as it is with respect and admiration. Living with a positive body image means you have the ability to utilise your own self-esteem, maintain a positive attitude and are emotionally stable. Because of this, you’re able to filter through the messages from the media, your peers and family, and remain steadfast in how you feel about your body.”

While Wasley and Gibbs admit they’ve had to work hard to become body-positive, the duo hope the AnyBODY brand can help more women accept their appearance and feel empowered in their journey to good health; and, for them, this starts with a greater diversity of body shapes and sizes being represented on the catwalk, in advertising, in clothing sizes and in the media. Already, key brands have taken their cue, with Cooper Street releasing their ‘curve range’ inspired by the movement. Future plans for AnyBODY centre on launching their Skype for Schools program, tackling teenagers’ self-esteem, body confidence and personal development issues, while Wasley is looking to one day complete her Health Promotion degree to further advance the cause. But, in the interim, both Gibbs and Wasley offer one piece of solid advice: quit the comparisons and learn to love you – for you.

“Today I feel fantastic about my body the majority of the time. I still have my bad days because, well, I’m human – but they’re now few and far between. I think it’s the way I deal with it now that has been my biggest achievement. I focus on things I love about myself instead of dwelling on what I dislike. I have health and fitness goals now rather than weight or size goals,” says Wasley.

“Loving your body is an individual journey that’s completely different for everyone. But my top tip is not to compare yourself to anyone – especially on social media – because often you’ll be comparing yourself at your worst to someone at their best. Just remember you are worthy of love, no matter what you look like. There are people out there that love you for you, and don’t give a crap about what you look like. Those are the people worth keeping around.”

ALL FEATURE photography: Cotton ON Body

    {nomultithumb}

  Read more ... from http://www.womenshealthandfitness.com.au/lifestyle/motivation/2378-full-story-talking-body-confidence-with-cover-models-georgia-gibbs-and-kate-wasley

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Love Commands Pros and Cons by Scott Foster - Does The Job

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