#harry potter had such an impact on my life I Can Never Escape. I am constantly taking psychic damage

[casiavium]

Currently having a mental crisis because there are people I knew in high school who probably still think of me as the Harry Potter girl. Crying

[maxwell-grant]

What are your thoughts on Jekyll/Hyde and his archetype of the human periodically changing into a monster ?

Jekyll & Hyde was the 2nd horror story I read following Frankenstein, I got it off the same library and it always stuck very strongly with me even before I got into horror in general. I even dressed up as Jekyll/Hyde as a kid for a school fair by shredding a lab coat on one side and asking my sister to make-up claw gashes on my exposed arm and paint half of my face, although in hindsight I think I ended up looking more like Doctor Two-Face than Jekyll/Hyde, but I was 12 and didn't have any Victorian clothing to use so I had to make do. The first film project I tried doing at film school was intended to be a modern take on Jekyll & Hyde, and I didn't get much farther than a couple of discarded scripts

Much like Frankenstein, Mr Hyde as a character and a story is something that's kind of baked into everything I do artistically. And it's not just me, as even in pop culture itself, none of us can escape Mr Hyde. I would go so far as to argue Mr Hyde may be the single most significant character created by victorian fiction, if only by the sheer impact and legacy the character's had.

(Fan-art by guilhermefranco)

Part of what makes Mr Hyde such a powerful and lasting icon of pop culture is that the very premise of the book invites a personal reading that's gonna vary from person to person. Because everyone's familiar with the basic twist of the story, that it's a conflict of duality, of the good and evil sides, but everyone has a more personal idea of what those entail. Some people make the story more about class. A lot of readings laser-focus on sex and lust as the driving force, and there's also a lot of readings of Mr Hyde that tackle it to explore a more gendered perspective, and so forth.

I don't particularly take much notice of the Jekyll & Hyde adaptations partially because the novel's premise and themes have become baked so throughly into pop culture and explored in so many different and interesting ways, that I'm not particularly starving for good Jekyll & Hyde adaptations the way I am for Dracula and Frankenstein. The Fredric March film in particular is one that orbits my head less because of the film itself (although I do recommend it), but because of one specific scene, and that's when Jekyll first transforms into Hyde on screen.

Out of all the things they could have shown him doing right that second, they instead took the time to show him enjoying the rain.

Just Hyde taking off his hat and letting it all cascade on his face with this sheer enthusiasm like he's never been to the rain before, never enjoyed it before, and now that he's free from being Jekyll, he gets to enjoy life like he never has before. It's such an oddly humanizing moment to put amidst a horror movie, in the scene where you're ostensibly introducing the monster to the audience, and it makes such a stark contrast to the rest of the film where Hyde is completely irredeemable, but I think it's that contrast that makes the film's take on Hyde work so well even with it's diverging from the source material, even if I don't particularly like in general interpretations of Hyde that are focused on a sexual aspect.

Because one, it understands that Jekyll was fundamentally a self-serving coward and not a paragon of goodness, and two, it also understands one of the things that makes Hyde scary: He wants what all of us want, to live and be happy. He's happy when he leaves the lab and dances around in the rain like a giddy child, he's happy when he goes to places Jekyll couldn't dream of showing up, he's happy as a showgirl-abusing sexual predator. Hyde is all wants, all the time, and there's not that much difference between his wants, his domineering possessiveness, and the likes exhibited by Muriel's father and Jekyll's own within the very same film, which also works to emphasize one of the other ideas of the original story, that Edward Hyde doesn't come from nowhere. That no monster is closer to humanity than Mr Hyde, because he is us. He is the thing that Jekyll refused to take responsability for until it was too late.

(Art by LorenzoMastroianni)

While many of the ideas that defined Mr Hyde had already been explored in pop culture beforehand, Hyde popularized and redefined many of them in particular by modernizing the idea. He was the werewolf, the doppelganger, The Player On The Other Side, except he came from within. He was not transformed by circumstance, he made himself that way, and the elixir merely brought out something already inside his soul. To acknowledge that he's there is to acknowledge that he is you, and to not do that is to either lose to him, or perish. Hyde was there to address both the rot settling in Victorian society as well as grappling concerns over Darwinian heritage, of the realization that man has always had the beast inside of him (it's no accident that Hyde's main method of murder is by clubbing people to death with his cane like a caveman).

I've already argued on my post about Tarzan that the Wild Man archetype, beginning with Enkidu of The Epic of Gilgamesh, is the in-between man and beast, between superhero and monster, and that Mr Hyde is an essential component of the superhero's trajectory, as the creature split in between. That stories about dual personalities, doppelgangers, the duality of the soul, the hero with a day job and an after dark career, you can pinpoint Hyde as a turning point in how all of these solidified gradually in pop culture. And I've argued otherwise that The Punisher, for all that his image and narrative points otherwise, is ultimately just as much of a superhero as the rest of them, even if no one wants to admit it, drawing a parallel between The Punisher and Mr Hyde. And he's far from the only modern character that can invite this kind of parallel.

The idea of a regular person periodically or permanently transforming into, or revealing itself to be, something extraordinary and fantastic and scary, grappling with the divide it causes in their soul, and questions whether it's a new development or merely the truest parts of themselves coming to light at last, and the effects this transformation has for good and bad alike. The idea of a potent, dangerous, unpredictable enemy who ultimately is you, or at least a facet of you and what you can do. That these are bound to destroy each other if not reconciled with or overcome.

You know what are my thoughts on the archetype of "human periodically changing into a monster" are? Look around you and you're gonna see the myriad ways The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde's themes have manifested in the century and a half since the story's release. Why it shouldn't be any surprise whatsoever that Mr Hyde has become such an integral part of pop culture, in it's heroes and monsters alike. Why we can never escape Mr Hyde, just as Jekyll never could.

It is Nixon himself who represents that dark, venal and incurably violent side of the American character that almost every country in the world has learned to fear and despise. Our Barbie-doll president, with his Barbie-doll wife and his boxful of Barbie-doll children is also America's answer to the monstrous Mr. Hyde.

He speaks for the Werewolf in us; the bully, the predatory shyster who turns into something unspeakable, full of claws and bleeding string-warts on nights when the moon comes too close… - Hunter S. Thompson

There is a scene in the movie Pulp Fiction that explains almost every terrible thing happening in the news today. And it's not the scene where Ving Rhames shoots that guy's dick off. It's the part where the hit man played by John Travolta is talking about how somebody vandalized his car, and says this:

"Boy, I wish I could've caught him doing it. I'd have given anything to catch that asshole doing it. It'd been worth him doing it, just so I could've caught him doing it."

That last sentence is something everyone should understand about mankind. After all, the statement is completely illogical -- revenge is supposed to be about righting a wrong. But he wants to be wronged, specifically so he'll have an excuse to get revenge. We all do.

Why else would we love a good revenge movie? We sit in a theater and watch Liam Neeson's daughter get kidnapped. We're not sad about it, because we know he's a badass and he finally has permission to be awesome. Not a single person in that theater was rooting for it to all be an innocent misunderstanding. We wanted Liam to be wronged, because we wanted to see him kick ass. It's why so many people walk around with vigilante fantasies in their heads.

Long, long ago, the people in charge figured out that the easiest and most reliable way to bind a society together was by controlling and channeling our hate addiction. That's the reason why seeing hurricane wreckage on the news makes us mumble "That's sad" and maybe donate a few bucks to the Red Cross hurricane fund, while 9/11 sends us into a decade-long trillion-dollar rage that leaves the Middle East in flames.

The former was caused by wind; the latter was caused by monsters. The former makes us kind of bummed out; the latter gets us high.

It's easy to blame the news media for pumping us full of stories of mass shootings and kidnapped children, but that's stopping one step short of the answer: The media just gives us what we want. And what we want is to think we're beset on all sides by monsters.

The really popular stories will always feature monsters that are as different from us as possible. Think about Star Wars -- what real shithead has ever referred to himself as being on "the dark side"? In Harry Potter and countless fantasy universes, you have wizards working in "black magic" and the "dark arts." Can you imagine a scientist developing some technology for chemical weapons or invasive advertising openly thinking of what he does as "dark science"? Can you imagine a real world leader naming his headquarters "The Death Star" or "Mount Doom"?

Of course not. But we need to believe that evil people know they're evil, or else that would open the door to the fact that we might be evil without knowing it. I mean, sure, maybe we've bought chocolate that was made using child slaves or driven cars that poisoned the air, but we didn't do it to be evil -- we were simply doing whatever we felt like and ignoring the consequences. Not like Hitler and the bankers who ruined the economy and those people who burned the kittens -- they wake up every day intentionally dreaming up new evils to create. It's not like Hitler actually thought he was saving the world.

So no matter how many times you vote to cut food stamps and then use the money to buy a boat, you could still be way worse. You could, after all, be one of those murdering / lazy / ignorant / greedy / oppressive monsters that you know the world is full of, and that only your awesome moral code prevents you from turning into at any moment. And those monsters are out there.

They have to be. Because otherwise, we're the monsters - 5 Reasons Humanity Desperately Wants Monsters To Be Real, by Jason Pargin

(Two-Face sequence comes from the end of Batman Annual #14: Eye of the Beholder)

For good or bad, Hyde has become omnipresent. He's a part of our superheroes, he's a part of our supervillains, he's in our monsters. He lives and prattles in our ears, sometimes we need him to survive, and sometimes we become Hyde even when we don't need to, because our survival instincts or base cruelties or desperation brings out the worst in us. Sometimes we can beat him, and sometimes he's not that bad. Sometimes we do need to appease him and listen to what he says, about us and the world around us. And sometimes we need to do so specifically to prove him wrong and beat him again.

But he never, ever goes away, as he so accurately declares in the musical

Do you really think That I would ever let you go...

Do you think I'd ever set you free?

If you do, I'm sad to say It simply isn't so

You will never get away FROM MEEEEEE

(Art by Akreon on Artstation)

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

Im gonna approach this politely because you do seem reasonable but how can you still blog about HP after everything JK has done? Its one thing to give her exposure, that's bad enough, but are you actually planning to see/purchase the new movie? She's literally giving money to transphobes, she's an active participant in this shit.

So this one is complicated and I will do everything I can to approach the subject respectfully. I freely acknowledge that I'm just one person who doesn't have all the answers. This is only my perspective.

Whenever someone has broached this subject, my answer has always been the same. I'd bring up the concept of separating the art from the artist. Which is a divisive topic I know, and everyone has their own opinions about it. But in this case, you do make a good point.

Right out of the gate I want to clarify that I have no intention of giving Rowling one cent, not ever again. If I do see the movie, which I vaguely wanted to do out of a sense of investment for the ongoing story...I wouldn't be buying it. I'd either see if it was free on a streaming service I already have, or I'd go the way of Captain Hook, if you catch my drift.

Exposure is a different question altogether, and you know what, it's not one we should ignore. This is genuinely difficult for a lot of people, or at least it is for me, because the stories we grow up with have a huge impact on us, and I think that's especially true if you're neurodivergent or just generally had a traumatic childhood. Which brings me to what is, if I'm being brutally honest, the real reason I've dug in my heels about stepping away from Harry Potter as a whole. I don't want to.

There, I said it. The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm not proud of it. But when I was growing up, fictional universes were my escapism from the pain of regular life. This shaped who I am as a person and probably not in the healthiest way, I'll admit. This is why the "fandoms" of my childhood are ones I've stuck to for so long. For a while, they were such a large part of my world...so they kind of still are. Harry Potter was chief among them. This is the series that made me love reading, and the fantasy genre. The series that made me want to be a writer. It is not hyperbole for me to say that Harry Potter is a part of who I am.

Which may sound pathetic, I know. But I don't think it is. Potentially unhealthy? Perhaps. But I think the problem is that my background with Harry Potter is not entirely uncommon. My case might be a bit extreme but I think there are many people who feel as though this series has saved them in some degree or another. People who can't imagine trying to cut HP out of themselves, and don't feel like they should have to. The books didn't do anything wrong, right? Speaking as someone who considers themself nonbinary, I am glad to adopt the now commonplace attitude toward Rowling that goes "Thanks for the books, but shut up forever."

But exposure. That is the problem, and I don't think we can ignore it. Part of me almost wants to search out and delete posts I've made in the past about the Fantastic Beast films. Because you're right. Exposure is powerful, and Harry Potter isn't just a cash cow it's a cultural phenomenon. The thing is, it's gone so far that it's beyond our control now. Nothing can kill HP anymore. It will never not be relevant. Best that can happen is that it may mildly fade into obscurity before resurfacing in the next decade with a new film. It has joined the hall of immortality, alongside Star Wars and Jurassic Park.

But does that mean we should just give up? Continue to support Rowling and throw our money at her, give her free advertising by feeding into the widespread popularity of Harry Potter? No, I don't think that's right either. I'm a bit uncertain about what to do. Your message made me feel a degree of guilt, but I'm actually grateful to you for that. Because we should be thinking about these things, and having these conversations. I'm gonna say that it should be a personal choice, and that we shouldn't judge others for continuing to enjoy the series. (Provided they condemn Rowling's actions, of course.) But they should be aware of what they're partaking in.

Exposure is such a tricky subject, because it's difficult to measure objectively. Both sides can argue that it's real or not real, that it's a problem or that it isn't. Frankly, you kind of have to go with your gut and ask yourself what you think is true, what is happening. Whether or not the risk is worth it to you. Because we can still be Harry Potter fans. We can still love the series. We can do all of that behind closed doors without supporting Rowling. But what does that mean for the fandom? I'm writing a Marauder Era fanfic that has fossilized with how long I've gone between updates and I have to ask myself, is that exposure? Or does my own writing style, including things like LGBT characters for example, negate this?

What about properties that Rowling has no stake in? Is that fair game, or does the Harry Potter brand name itself count as exposure? This is, first and foremost, a Hogwarts Mystery blog. Rowling has no involvement with this game. Can I still talk about HPHM? I'm not even trying to confront you or make a point or anything, I'm asking genuine questions that I do not know the answers to. HPHM's story is near complete, is it bad if I want to stick around to see how it ends?

And what do I do about Asks? Because they are the lifeblood of this blog. They are what really brought me out of the darkness on Tumblr. If people sent me messages or questions about the potterverse, should I just ignore them? Because being a Potterhead is one of the main things I've established about myself on this blog. Should I say that I'll ignore asks about Harry Potter? Because most of them are about HPHM. And while it's hardly more important than the damage Rowling is causing, I'd be quite sad to see my beloved anons disappear.

This is inherently a selfish question, but it's also trying to gauge what the new status quo would be. At what point does this go from being our moral responsibility, to being something silly that is a person's own business? I don't know. But you've given me a lot to think about anon, and I do genuinely appreciate that. I've got to figure this out.

[senadimell]

If you've got time to share, I'd love to hear more about your thoughts around Snape and Lupin.

@deathdaydungeon, here you are!

After a conversation with @frederick-the-great, I’ve been thinking about Lupin, Snape, and what they say about morality in HP. I’m not talking about the troublesome white hats, black hats morality, but am instead looking at from this angle: Lupin is nice and well-liked, but often lacks a backbone, whereas Snape is mean and disliked, but incredibly brave. Which is more important? I find Harry’s last sacrifice to be a useful point by which we measure their impact.

Lupin and Snape useful to compare on several important fronts.

As foils for each others’ teaching methods

The way they deal with social disadvantage

Their connections to Harry’s father and how they pass on James’ legacy

1) They both teach at Hogwarts, and are foils for each other in many ways. Snape is mean and takes away points. He’s seen as selfish. His classes are hard and unpleasant for Harry. He’s mean to Neville, and rather than encouraging him, mocks him and belittles him, which just adds to the overall disaster of Neville’s poor self-esteem mixing badly with potions class.

However, even Umbridge admits that Snape’s teaching methods work, and she’s working for Fudge who doesn’t like Death Eaters and has been defied by Snape in GoF, so we know he’s effective for a lot of people, if not Neville.

Yet, for all that, Snape saves Harry’s life multiple times. On top of that, Snape wants to keep the fact that he saved Harry’s life a secret.

“Very well. Very Well. But never--Never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it, I cannot bear...especially Potter’s son...I want your word!

My word, Severus, that I will never reveal the best of you? Dumbledore sighed, looking down into Snape’s ferocious, anguished face. “If you insist...”

DH 679, The Prince’s Tale

Conversely, Lupin is nice and rewards points. He’s seen as generous. His classes are fun and interesting for Harry. He’s kind to Neville, and expresses confidence in him that leads him to succeed and do well. That confidence is a huge part of Neville’s character development. I doubt he’d grow into the resistance leader in DH if not for the many times teachers expressed confidence in him, like Dumbledore in PS, Lupin in PoA, Fake!Moody in GoF, and Harry in OotP. Harry certainly approves of his methods:

“You’re the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher we’ve ever had!” said Harry. “Don’t go!”

PoA 424, Owl Post Again

However, it’s worth noticing that Hermione does worse on his exam than we ever see. She fails the Boggart test, and she and Harry were the only two people not permitted to experience the Boggart in class. Lupin’s teaching methods aren’t foolproof. Despite that, he’s overall seen as a nice guy and good teacher.

Yet Lupin endangers Harry’s life. The secrets he keeps are dangerous: his secret to keep is that he’s a werewolf and  actively endangered three students lives with his negligence, as well as the fact that he hid a secret about a believed and convicted mass murderer to save face with Dumbledore.

“That was still really dangerous! Running around in the dark with a werewolf! What if you’d given the others the slip, and bitten somebody?”

“A thought that still haunts me,” Lupin said heavily. “And there were near misses, many of them. We laughed about them afterwards. We were young, thoughtless--carried away with out own cleverness.

“I sometimes felt guilty about betraying Dumbledore’s trust, of course....he had admitted me to Hogwarts when no other headmasters would have done so, and he had no idea I was breaking the rules he had set down for my own and others’ safety. He never knew I had led three fellow students into becoming Animagi illegally. But I always managed to forget my guilty feelings every time we sat down to plan our next month’s adventure. And I haven’t changed...

Lupin’s face had hardened, and there was self-disgust in his voice. “All this year I have been battling with myself, wondering whether I should tell Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus. But I didn’t do it. Why? Because I was too cowardly. It would have meant admitting that I’d betrayed his tryst while I was at school, admitting that I’d led others along with me...and Dumbledore’s trust has meant everything to me. He let me into Hogwarts as a boy, and he gave me a job when I have been shunned all my adult life, unable to find paid work because of what I am. And so I convinced myself that Sirius was getting into the school using Dark Arts he learned from Voldemort, that being an Animagus had nothing to do with it...so in a way, Snape’s been right about me all along.”

PoA 355, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

Plan is emphasized because those trips that ended in “near misses” weren’t some impulsive romp. They were planned and coordinated in advance.

“I just saw Hagrid,” said Harry. “And he said you’d resigned. It’s not true, is it?”

“I’m afraid it is, said Lupin. He stared opening his desk drawers and taking out the contents.

“Why?” said Harry. The Ministry of Magic don’t think you were helping Sirius, do they?”

Lupin crossed to the door and closed it behind Harry.

“No. Professor Dumbledore managed to convince Fudge that I was trying to save your lives.” He sighed. “That was the final straw for Severus. I think* the loss of the Order of Merlin hit him hard. So he--er--accidentally let slip that I am a werewolf this morning at breakfast.”

“You’re not leaving because of that!” said Harry.

Lupin smiled wryly.

“This time tomorrow, the owls will start arriving from parents ....They will not want a werewolf teaching their children, Harry. And after last night, I see their point. I could have bitten any of you...That must never happen again.

“You’re the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher we’ve ever had!” said Harry. “Don’t go!”

PoA 424, Owl Post Again

What strikes me about this conversation is how Lupin shifts the blame around. This doesn’t start with an admission of guilt. He’s not leaving because the parents are right. He’s not leaving because he’s seen how dangerous he can be, or because he owns up to making an incredibly dangerous decision. He’s leaving because Snape forced his hand. If Snape didn’t do that, he would do the same thing he’s always been doing: sweeping his misdoing under the rug and promising himself privately that he’s going to change, but never doing it.

It’s always someone else’s fault for Lupin. That’s a neat tie in to the next point of comparison:

2. Lupin and Snape both experience marginalization in wizarding society, but in very different ways. Lupin faces socio-legal** marginalization and Snape faces socio-economic marginalization.

Lupin’s a werewolf. We see how prejudice affects his life, from his inability to find a job and his worn out clothes to his people-pleasing nature. He’s always acting nice and harmless. He does nothing to play into the condemning stereotypes he’s faced since childhood. Despite that, he still can’t find a job. Nobody will hire him, and people are scared to interact with him. From the way he talks about werewolves, it’s implied that this prejudice is held blindly across Wizarding society. Both Ron and Hermione are horrified to learn Lupin’s a werewolf. *** Later on, he’s legally limited in the kinds of jobs he holds and the kind of magic he’s allowed to perform. Lupin has no control over his transformations, and did not choose his condition.

Lupin’s not really wrong when pities himself. The odds really are stacked against him when he’s treated as if he’s a wolf 24/7, not just a few predictable times a month. His prospects are honestly awful.

The problem is, his condition is dangerous. Thus, the issue of victim blaming is particularly thorny for Lupin. He can’t just accept that he’s a monster for something he has no say over, and yet he can’t escape the fact that sometimes he is monstrous for reasons out of his control. He feels guilty for the people he could have hurt, but also seems to resent that people blame him for something that’s not his fault. The problem is that he carries that lack of accountability into spheres where he should be accountable, like not taking his medication and endangering children because of it.

Snape’s story is very different. He is poor in both the wizard and muggle worlds, and half-blooded, and was sorted into Slytherin as a child. He doesn’t have one condition against him, but checks boxes that make it hard for any one side to accept him. He’s too impure and poor to survive on his own for the Slytherin, but is a Slytherin with Death Eater friends and housemates interested in dark magic, which means he’s never going to fit in with the Order of the Phoenix crowd, especially when some of its members torment him at school. ****4

 This essay makes a convincing point that the wizarding world is not a meritocracy, and that people like Snape need powerful patronage to advance if they don’t have the money to support themselves.

I don’t consider the sorting a proper choice. I know Harry does, but I’m of the opinion that at age 11, very few people have been taught how to analyze different perspectives and make an informed decision. Most 11-year-olds are trained to obey their parents and accept their family’s ideology. Harry’s choice rests on very little evidence--most of what he knows is what Hagrid told him, and that he doesn’t want to be sorted into Voldemort’s house along with Draco Malfoy, someone who reminds him of Dudley. I don’t think Snape was very informed either (I’d love to know why), because he doesn’t realize why it Lily wouldn’t be sorted into Slytherin.

“You’d better be in Slytherin,” said Snape, encouraged that she had brightened a little. DH 671, The Prince’s Tale

Either the pureblood rhetoric just wasn’t strong in those days, or his mother didn’t tell him about that.

...“Where are you heading, if you’ve got the choice?”

James lifted an invisible sword.

“’Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!’ Like my dad.”

Snape made a small, disparaging noise. James turned on him.

“Got a problem with that?”

“No,” said Snape, though his slight sneer said otherwise. “If you’d rather be brawny than brainy--”

DH 671-2, The Prince’s Tale

It seems that most people just follow familial preferences. As to why Snape wants to be in Ravenclaw over Slytherin, my preferred interpretation is that he had a family legacy, knew that Slytherin rewarded the ambitious and clever, and that Slughorn, the head of Slytherin house, had a knack for making the kind of connections that a poor, clever boy would need to succeed.

Nevertheless, once Snape was in Slytherin, the odds were stacked against him. The house in that era was full of people who would later be Death Eaters. “Dark Magic” wasn’t frowned upon among his housemates, and siding with Voldemort wasn’t yet widely acknowledged as a transgression by wider society.

“No, no, but believe me, [Sirius’ parents] thought Voldemort had the right idea, they were all for the purification of the wizarding race, getting rid of Muggle-borns and having pure-bloods in charge. They weren’t alone either, there were quite a few people, before Voldemort showed his true colors, who thought he had the right idea about things.…” OotP 112

Additionally, people like Bellatrix were in the years above him, and given how Fred and George acted with younger students, I think it’s highly likely younger students had to find a place in the hierarchy or be the target of ‘pranks.’ He was a halfblood, after all, and dirt poor.

Snape knew these people. He ate with them, slept with them, and went to class with them. It is so much easier to understand and befriend someone you spend time with. I’d say that most people who subscribe to problematic ideologies aren’t just awful to be around all the time, or else these movements wouldn’t gain any traction. They’re likely funny and nice to be around if you’re not on their bad side.

In addition to strong peer pressure to befriend the people who would be death eaters, he was also bullied four to one. His bullies received protection from the headmaster when he was nearly killed or permanently maimed. They were popular and well liked.

The best analogy I’ve heard to describe Snape's Hogwarts situation is that he’s a kid in a rough neighborhood who joins the local gang. It provides protection and the hope of social mobility, and from his perspective, the other gang fights just as dirty (his treatment by the marauders). He doesn’t stop to think that the system is flawed, or that the gang’s very existence indicates the failure of authority and threatens its members. He just sees himself as a kid with nothing who needs help with protection and advancement. We know that Voldemort hasn’t shown his true colors, and it’s possible he showed different faces to different people.

‘Now, yer mum an’ dad were as good a witch an’ wizard as I ever knew. Head Boy an’ Girl at Hogwarts in their day! Suppose the myst’ry is why You-Know-Who never tried to get ’em on his side before ... probably knew they were too close ter Dumbledore ter want anythin’ ter do with the Dark Side.

‘Maybe he thought he could persuade ’em ... maybe he just wanted ’em outta the way. All anyone knows is, he turned up in the village where you was all living, on Hallowe’en ten years ago. You was just a year old. He came ter yer house an’ – an’ –’ (“The Keeper of the Keys”)

Dumbledore’s cited as the reason they turned him down, not their blood status. I think there’s evidence that the wholesale anti-muggleborn campaign wasn’t a huge part of the first wizarding war, and wasn’t implemented until the second, even if there was anti-muggle propaganda. (Muggle=/=muggleborn). It’s implied that Tobias is abusive and that Snape hates him for what he did to him and his mother; it’s implied that faced class prejudice by the muggles around him as well:

“I know who you are. You’re that Snape boy! They live down Spinner’s End by the river,” she told Lily, and it was evident from her tone that she considered the address  a poor recommendation.

DH 665, The Prince’s Tale

When you read stories about people who are able to escape cycles of gang violence and poverty, there’s almost always someone who lifts them out. There’s someone who pushes them, or extends a hand, or believes in them. There are community outreach programs, or churches, or an English teacher that pushed them to do better and try out for a scholarship. That person is usually someone who knows what it’s like and knows how hard it is to get out.

Snape doesn’t seem to get that support anywhere. Slughorn doesn’t seem to notice him, for whatever reason. Lily doesn’t approve of his friends, but also doesn’t understand at all what the pull is--that it’s hard to swim against the current of what everyone else is saying, despite the fact that she feels the same pressure to end her friendship with Snape.

“… thought we were supposed to be friends?” Snape was saying. “Best friends?” “We are, Sev, but I don’t like some of the people you’re hanging round with! I’m sorry, but I detest Every and Mulciber! Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev, he’s creepy! D’you know what he tried to do to Marry Macdonald the other day?”

DH 673, The Prince’s Tale

In the very same conversation, the fact that Snape is not allowed to share what happened to him with Lupin and the werewolf incident means that Lily will never be able to understand what Snape is facing: That the leader of the good guys makes excuses for and protects people who recklessly endanger the lives of others.

“And you’re being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Wollow, and James Potter saved you from whatever’s down there--”

Snape’s whole face contorted and he spluttered, “Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends’ too!...”

DH 674, The Prince’s Tale

Later in the year after SWM, she tells Snape this:

“None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you.”

DH 675 The Prince’s Tale

She expects him to reject all of his classmates and stand against the tide, despite the fact that she knows how hard it is to do that and can’t comprehend why he sticks with his classmates. She expects him to be grateful to James Potter as if what he did was altruistic, because the Headmaster swore Snape to secrecy and he keeps his promises, despite the fact that someone else was spreading the story. (The fact that she says she heard it instead of talking about it like its common knowledge implies that she heard it from a friend, so our friends the Marauders likely weren’t keeping their lips zipped even if Snape was.)

I don’t say this to shift the blame away from Snape to Lily in regards to Snape joining the Death Eaters. I just want to point out that Lily wasn't someone who could help him break the cycle. He didn’t squander some chance she offered him. She just wasn’t enough to break him out--not empathetic, motivated, or well-informed enough. (I think the fact that they were peers plays a big role in that).

Ultimately, Snape did choose to join the Death Eaters. He did yield to peer pressure. He did obey his assignment and report the prophecy to Voldemort. He spent his youth yielding, following the path in front of him, and choosing what was probably the easier choice: stick with your group, find powerful friends, do what they want, and don’t ask too many questions about their methods. That’s what makes his decision to betray Voldemort so powerful to me.

Here’s part of the passage when Snape betrays Voldemort:

...The adult Snape was panting, turning on the spot, his wand gripped tightly in his hand, waiting for something or for someone...His fear infected Harry too, even though he knew that he could not be harmed, and he looked over his shoulder wondering what it was that Snape was waiting for--

Then a sliding, jagged jet of white light flew through the air. Harry thought of lightning, but Snape had dropped to his knees and his wand had flown out of his hand.

“Don’t kill me!”

DH 676, The Prince’s Tale

He was terrified. He knew he was caught between the world’s two most powerful wizards, but it was worth it if he could save his childhood friend.

Then when Lily dies:

“Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the share and color of Lily Evans’s eyes, I am sure?”

“DON’T!” bellowed Snape. “Gone...dead...”

“Is this remorse, Severus?”

“I wish..I wish I were dead....”

“And what use would that be to anyone?” said Dumbledore coldly.

DH 678, The Prince’s Tale

Whatever motivation Snape had before is gone. A person’s life who is not his own is worth more than his own, and he’s drowning in guilt. From now on, Snape works to be useful in saving Harry’s life, and later many lives, at risk of death. His choices are a black mark on his record, likely making it difficult for him to get a job when he’s been tried as a Death Eater, and all of his wizarding connections are Death Eaters or their associates. He has no money or influence. Dumbledore hires him.

So Lupin has a single ailment and faces constant social and legal discrimination. He constantly tries to undermine people’s expectations about werewolves by being mild, but unfortunately is too afraid of rejection and its consequences to stand up against bad behavior or take full responsibility for his failings. He has friends who support him, but do it by engaging in risky behavior. He does not stop them. Perhaps he fears exposure and expulsion. Perhaps he just likes belonging for once. Either way, he does not come clean until forced to.

Snape is different; instead of facing outright rejection, he’s from a poor background and grows up surrounded by peers who join something somewhere between a gang and a cult while being bullied by people groomed by a rival organization. The headmaster of his school supports the rival organization and swears him to secrecy about an incident when they endangered his life, sending the message that his life is worthless. That same group continues to publicly bully him. He continues down this path until he realizes that it endangers something he cares about, and makes a decision that puts him at risk of being killed by the two most powerful wizards alive. He changes course.

Snape seems to view his problems as challenges facing him, whereas Lupin sees his problems as part of who he is, and not something he can change. Lupin seems to accept what happens to him in a fatalist kind of way. He sees what happens as inevitable and somewhat out of his control, whereas Snape never seems to blame his circumstances for him becoming a death eater, even though they clearly limited his options. I think that attitude matters. However, because Lupin’s facing a fictional magical malady, it’s difficult to fully blame him for that attitude.

Both Lupin and Snape have to react to powerful societal pressure that makes it difficult for them to succeed. Comparing them is apples and oranges at best, because their circumstances were so different. I don’t think you can judge either’s morality based on group identity, though.

3. Finally, they both act as a window on James: who he was, and what he means to Harry, who never knew him. That means in some way, they help pass on his parental legacy to orphaned Harry.

Hogwarts is Harry’s home, which means that the teachers are more than just teachers, but play a symbolic parental role in his life.

Hogwarts was the first and best home he had known. He and Voldemort and Snape, the abandoned boys, had all found home here.

DH 697, The Forest Again

You can’t understand Harry without realizing what he lacks: a loving home and living parents. He’s always looking into the past to find his parents, and is saddled with a legacy he struggles to understand--why did he live, who were his parents, and what does he need to do now?

Lupin and Snape also share a connection with Harry that goes beyond a normal teacher-student relationship, unlike McGonagall or Flitwick. Snape and Lupin are more personally connected to Harry than the other professors because they know Harry’s parents and went to school with them. I will mostly focus on James from here on out since we know so little about Lily personally and Harry mostly tries to emulate or avoid his father’s behavior and legacy.

They’re also the last people who knew James to survive, and they die almost at the same time. They’re the only teachers apart from Dumbledore who give Harry private lessons. More importantly, these lessons are all tied thematically to Harry’s past. Harry’s experience with dementors and the patronus charm are his first re-encounter with his parents and his past.

Terrible though it was to hear his parents’ last moments replayed inside his head, these are the only times Harry had heard their voices since he was a very small child. But he’d never be able to produce a proper patronus if he half wanted to hear his parents again.

PoA 243, The Patronus

In the end of PoA, Harry sees himself and mistakenly thinks it’s his father.

“Come on!” he muttered, staring about. “Where are you? Dad, come on--”

But no one came. Harry raised his head to look atet he circle of dementors across the lake. One of them was lowering its hood. It was time for the rescuer to appear--but no one was coming to help this time--

And then it hit him--he understood. He hadn’t seen his father--he had seen himself--

Harry flung himself out from behind the bush and pulled out his want.

“EXPECTO PATRONUM!” he yelled.

PoA 411, Hermione’s Secret

So the patronus itself is linked up with Harry’s past, and his coming-of-age. He doesn’t rely on others to save him, but must do it himself. (Though Harry’s never really trusted the adults to save him.)  It’s interesting to note that Harry actually learns the Patronus charm under Lupin’s tutelage.

On the other hand, Snape introduces Harry to the unpleasant side of his father’s legacy. Through Snape, we see that James wasn’t just a little cocky, but a bully.

“Apologize to Evans!” James roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him. “I don't want you to make him apologize,” Lily shouted, rounding on James. “You're as bad as he is.” “What?” yelped James. “I'd NEVER call you a--you-know-what!” “Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can--I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK.” She turned on her heel and hurried away.

....

He had no desire at all to return to Gryffindor Tower so early, nor to tell Ron and Hermione what he had just seen. What was making Harry feel so horrified and unhappy was not being shouted at or having jars thrown at him; it was that he knew how it felt to be humiliated in the middle of a circle of onlookers, knew exactly how Snape had felt as his father had taunted him, and that judging from what he had just seen, his father had been every bit as arrogant as Snape had always told him. OotP, Snape’s Worst Memory, emphasis added

It’s interesting note that Harry fails to learn Occlumency from Snape. (In fact, we never see Harry use magical skills he learned from Snape apart from Expelliarmus, which is...important). At the same time, he gains an important perspective.

You can’t have James without this part of him. However kind James was to Lupin, however brave James was when he saved his wife, he was neither kind nor brave when he bullied Snape. It’s uncomfortable and awkward, but it’s important.

When he had finished, neither Sirius nor Lupin spoke for a moment. Then Lupin said quietly, “I wouldn’t like you to judge your father on what you saw there, Harry. He was only fifteen —”

“I’m fifteen!” said Harry heatedly.

OotP

Harry rejects the idea that actively bullying someone is just folly of youth. He knows what it’s like to be disenfranchised. Regardless of what Snape and James’ relationship was, he didn’t deserve that kind of humiliation. And Lupin watched, and defends him. Harry has to grapple with that.

Ultimately, Snape and Lupin do more than just connect him to his past. They also teach him his two signature spells, Expelliarmus and Expecto Patronum. One saves his soul, and one saves his life and frees the wizarding world from Voldemort because of Voldemort’s fractured soul.

Snape and Lupin as moral counterpoints

How do we evaluate this:

“I’d never have believed this,” Harry said. “The man who taught me to fight dementors--a coward.”*****5

DH 213, The Bribe

and this?

“Albus Severus, you were named for two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin and he was probably the bravest man I ever knew.

DH 758, Seventeen years later

Ultimately, I don’t think it’s really that useful to pit two people with different backgrounds against each other. At the same time, they represent two different halves of a question: when it comes down to it, should we try to be kind or brave? I don’t think you have to pick one, but when pursuing the two, there are bound to be moments of conflict.

I always come back to the lyrics to Last Midnight from Sondheim’s Into the Woods.******6

You're so nice You're not good You're not bad You're just nice I'm not good I'm not nice I'm just right I'm the witch You're the world

Snape doesn’t care about being nice. I think this is where most non-Snape fans start pulling out the pitchforks and torches. Snape isn’t nice, and he’s not nice to kids. He’s not nurturing.*******7 He’s abrasive, allergic to coddling, and petty when he can get away with it. In fact, most of the people he’s ‘nice’ to are significantly more powerful than him, or someone he needs to be on good terms with.

Lupin is nice. He’s mild. He’s often kind. However, he often picks being liked over standing up for something.

What does that result in? He doesn’t stand up for Snape. The bullying continues and keeps Snape firmly on his path. He wins the respect of the Gryffindors with the Snape Boggart incident but loses whatever credibility he had to tell Snape to ‘put their past behind him.’

On the other hand, Neville’s bravery in DH was nurtured by Lupin’s confidence. Neville kept hope alive and led a rebellion. Lupin is one of the few adults that Harry fully respects and trusts up until the Grimmauld place confrontation. (He likes Hagrid and Molly, but doesn’t necessarily trust them to make decisions in their best interest, while he usually respects Lupin’s judgement). Harry loves him, and it’s because he loved him and watched him die that he needs to act and fight back against Voldemort.

Ultimately, Harry’s relationship with James and the adults who pass on his legacy is one of the most important symbolic relationships in the book. The thematic resolution of the series is Harry’s act of sacrificial love.

He did not know what to feel, except shock at the way Snape had been killed, and the reason for which it had been done....

...He could not bear to look at any of the other bodies, to see who else had died for him. He could not bear to join the Weasleys, could not look into their eyes, when if he had given himself up in the first place, Fred might never had died...

He turned away and ran up the marble staircase. Lupin, Tongs...He yearned not to feel....He wished he could rip out his heart, his innards, everything that was screaming inside of him.

To escape into someone else’s head would be a blessed relief....Nothing that even Snape had left him could be worse than his own thoughts.

DH 660-662, The Prince’s Tale

He rushes to the headmaster’s office to escape into Snape's memories. His memories convince Harry that sacrificing himself is the expedient thing to do, and he heads to the Forbidden Forest. To enable is last sacrifice, he uses the Resurrection stone to witness his parents and his father’s friends. Their combined testimony is enough to ameliorate his personal fears about following through with this final act.

Lupin and Snape leave entirely different legacies behind. Lupin encourages and inspires. As an authority figure, he gives people like Neville space to grow and his compassion towards Harry gives him the strength to face his demons. Harry’s decision in DH to die must have something to do with the kindness he was shown, and the sacrifices people who loved him made for him, of which Lupin is a part. Despite what he saw in Princes’ Tale, Snape wasn’t one of the people who’d make an appearance with the Resurrection stone.

Yet Snape sacrificed his life for Harry and the wizarding world, entities that Snape didn’t seem to like and that certainly weren’t kind to him. His form of bravery is about endurance, tenacity, and willingness to do what is right even when you hate your allies and no one else is going to credit you for what you do. And that’s very Harry. Even if he hates Draco, he’s not about to let him die if he can help it. Harry has much more in common with Snape than Lupin, I think.

Since this is about souls, let’s return to the Patronus charm. Snape’s not the kind of person who typically inspires that kind of emotion required to cast a Patronus in others, at least from what we see in Harry’s perspective. Yet because he has experienced that love, he can cast it and shows Harry what needs to be done. Snape enables Harry to dive under the ice. Lupin’s the kind of person who can inspire a patronus, but isn’t the one to make the sacrifice play until after Harry confronts him about his duty to his family. Ultimately, though, they both sacrifice themselves in the Battle of Hogwarts.

* Ever since I realized how blatantly tangential Order of Merlin must be to Snape’s character motivation, that line has frustrated me to no end. There’s no way frothing-at-the-mouth PoA Snape just really coveted that Order of Merlin. He’s often petty, yeah, but if Lupin believes it’s just about that and has nothing to do with Snape’s real conviction about how dangerous Lupin’s actions were, he’s deluding himself. I hate that he passes it on to his students.

**Yes, I am making up words today. Lupin’s faces prejudice and discrimination on a social level enforced by increasingly powerful discriminatory laws.

*** It’s worth noting that if we take every book as equally valid canon, then there’s either widespread ignorance towards lycanthropy, as Lockhart convinces everyone he was able to “cure” the Wagga-Wagga werewolf, and as teenage Horcrux!Riddle said Hagrid raised werewolf cubs under his bed, or else lycanthropy is actually a wide range of conditions under a wolfy umbrella ranging from treatable to incurable. Lupin is our primary source for lycanthropy: he’s the one who tells us about Greyback, for example. If we hold the first two books as equally valid, then perhaps we only know about Lupin’s particular type of condition. That’s the Watsonian analysis, anyways.

****4 These footnotes are getting ridiculous. Basically, there’s no consensus on what Dark Magic is, and on what basis it’s Evil. This essay goes into things that are labelled as curses. I’m inclined to believe that the vast majority of Dark Magic is just Magic We Don’t Like for Reasons.

The definition of what is and isn't considered Dark Magic is never explained: often it just seems to mean "a curse I don't approve of".  Even "curse" has never been satisfactorily defined, but we can certainly say that not all curses are regarded as evil, since some appear to be on the Hogwarts curriculum, and are certainly performed without censure.

*****5 While I paired the quotes at the top of this section together for dramatic effect, it’d be a shame not to look at the context of the Lupin fight.

“I thought you’d say [that your mission was top secret],” said Lupin, looking disappointed. But I might still be of some use to you. You know what I am and what I can do. I could come with you to provide protection. There would be no need to tell me exactly what you were up to. Harry hesitated. It was a very tempting offer.

Hermione then asks about Tonks.

“I’m pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren’t sticking with your own kid, actually”... ...“I’d never have believed this,” Harry said. “The man who taught me to fight dementors--a coward.”

...“Parents shouldn’t leave their kids unless--unless they’ve got to.”

...“I know I shouldn’t have called him a coward.”“No, you shouldn’t,” said Ron at once. “But he’s acting like one. “ “All the same...” said Hermione.

“I know,” said Harry. “But if it makes him go back to Tonks, it’ll be worth it, won’t it?”

He could not keep the plea out of his voice. Hermione looked sympathetic, Ron uncertain. Harry looked down at his feet, thinking of his father. Would James have backed Harry in what he had said to Lupin, or would he have bene angry at how his son had treated his old friend?

DH 213, The Bribe

Harry feels personally betrayed that someone who has a family and child would abandon them. Here he is unyielding and accusing to someone he cares about in the hopes that they re-evaluate what matters. It’s a rather Snape-like tactic, actually. Or else a Dumbledore one.

I love the dialogue in this scene, but have some major issues with how Harry’s internalization drops out the window for shock value. JKR does the same thing when has Harry pull the Veritaserum trick in HBP. I don’t like it.

******6 The witch and Snape aren’t perfect analogues, since she’s decidedly more amoral in my opinion, but they’re both contractually-motivated characters whose humanity is shown by their (platonic/familial) love for a more “innocent” character and the guilt at the innocent character’s sacrificial death. Guilt doesn’t lead the witch to do anything productive, and for Snape it does, which is where they diverge on the character path.

*******7 Draco may be an exception to this. However, watching Snape struggle to build rapport with Draco in HBP leads me to think that while Snape’s been on Draco’s side, he’s still not “nurturing,” or in other words, good at cultivating trust and encouraging the strong and wholesome parts of someone’s personality to grow.  

[keepingupwithlinmanuel]

Lin-Manuel Miranda interview: ‘We were never trying to make idols of the characters in Hamilton’

Last year, he talked about their shared love of Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials novels – “We read them together when we were first dating, they were the books we fell in love to.” They were the reason why he couldn’t turn down the opportunity to play the buccaneering, balloon “aëronaut” Lee Scoresby in the BBC’s big-budget adaptation of the trilogy, which returns for a second series on November 8.

It fell into “the category of: would I kick myself for ever if I said no? … because my wife and I love those books so much”. So is his Lee Scoresby the way his reading partner imagined him? “No idea,” he laughs.  He pitched the idea that Scoresby should sport a “Clark Gable moustache”, he volunteers, although he suggests that he ends up looking more like the celebrated Mexican comedian Cantinflas.

...

He describes himself as “the token American” in the cast of His Dark Materials. Does he think that the show’s diverse casting has added to the richness of the story? “I think that it is to the benefit of any fantasy world to diversify the cast – you’re telling me we can have orcs and dwarves and daemons, but we can’t have more than one skin hue?” It’s an interesting moment to discuss it because, although the release of the film of his first musical, In the Heights, has been pushed back to next June, the trailer had already been released, and was, as is now customary, greeted by criticism on the outlet for collective hysteria that is social media.

The story focuses on Washington Heights, a mostly Latino neighbourhood in New York, close to where Miranda grew up. The criticism focused on a perceived lack of representation of people from an Afro-Dominican background in that area of the city. “I think when people see the movie, they’ll see that we really have done our best to represent everybody, Afro-Latinos included,” he responds.

And what of the Twitter-led #CancelHamilton campaign this summer, when the musical was pilloried for its depiction of an American founding father, in Alexander Hamilton, who indirectly benefited from the slave trade, without reference to the impact of slavery on the people who suffered it. The film was released at the height of worldwide protests. Would Miranda have been upset if the statue of Hamilton in Central Park had been toppled?

“I think if I were in love with statues, we wouldn’t have made Hamilton the way we made it,” he says, sounding ever so slightly exasperated by the question. “We were obviously never trying to make idols of these people. The goal was to make them as human and as flawed as possible… If there’s any thesis in the show, it’s that these guys were making it up as they went along… and their foibles and their contradictions make it into the contradictions of our founding.

“In terms of criticism, it’s all valid. I don’t believe criticism equals cancellation. I know what didn’t make it into the show, I’m the one who spent six years writing it. That’s part of what comes with taking real life and trying to smoosh it into two and a half hours of musical theatre, there’s always going to be stuff that doesn’t make it in… Everything that’s not in the show is fair game to point out.”

But what happens if the world keeps changing in such a way that even a great work of art like Hamilton – “a proto-immigrant story”, as he describes it, with diversity so fundamentally encoded in its performance – can be attacked and dismissed? Where are we heading? “The world’s always changing,” he says, as if the question is rather simplistic. “That’s one of the things Hamilton’s about, right? Hamilton was thought of as great for a while, and then he’s outlived by people who hate him. And he’s erased and the opinion changes. Reputations rise and fall. That’s one of the things the show’s about, so I don’t see why [it] would escape that. It happens to all of us.”

...

He is a big fan of J K Rowling’s Harry Potter books (which to many are a less cerebral alternative to Pullman’s trilogy). I want to know whether he is conflicted about Rowling’s comments this year about sex and gender. “I am disheartened and saddened by them as a fan,” he says. “And by her continued insistence on pushing this point, when there are so many other things, so many issues. I was very moved by Daniel Radcliffe’s statement in which he says, this does not take away the world you lived in and the experience you’ve had with these books, and I’m trying to hold on to that.”

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

Harry Potter re-read: thoughts and ranking my favourite books

In 2020 I completed a full re-read of Harry Potter for the first time since I was a child. It was a rollercoaster experience of highs and lows; excitement, nostalgia, frustration, joy, boredom and everything in between. It took the whole year (in between reading other books) and I hit a wall in the sumer, but I’m glad I persevered and made it to the end. This series will always hold a special place in my heart and as much as I love the movies, there’s so much detail that is missed from them. I didn’t realise just how much my memories of the HP universe had been shaped by the movies until I read the books. I feel like I’ve reconnected with the universe and characters in an authentic way and lots of my opinions have changed as a result. 

Before we get to the ranking, some disclaimers:

If it wasn’t already obvious SPOILERS BELOW FOR THE HARRY POTTER SERIES (at this point I’d be surprised if there’s anybody that needs this warning, but better safe than sorry!).

This ranking is completely subjective and very changable. I love all of the books and I’ve based the ranking solely on my enjoyment of reading them. 

In writing this post I am in no way supporting or endorsing J.K. Rowling’s works. Her ignorance and hatred is intolerable and abhorrent. I discuss this more in the conclusion of this post.

None of the images or gifs featured were made by me, all credit goes to the creators.

7. The Goblet of Fire

One of my favourite movies, but my least favourite book. This one hasn’t aged well for me. It’s too long, there’s much too filler and it has the disadvantage of coming after The Prisoner of Azkaban. I like the idea of the Triwizard Tournament in theory, but the execution is dull. We spend chapters upon chapters upon chapters with Harry and Hermione researching and preparing for the tasks and the tasks themselves are very anti-climatic. It’s also difficult to ignore the fact that the second and third tasks take part underwater and in a maze, and the audience can’t even see what’s going on. Apparently there’s no spell that can allow the audience to see underwater or inside a maze, not even those Muggle inventions called cameras *face palm*

The sub-plot with S.P.E.W was equally dull and didn’t add much to the story. I also found it deeply uncomfortable and upsetting to read about the enslavement of elves and the way that slavery was portrayed in general. The one positive I took from it was seeing Dobby with his crazy jumpers and socks. Dobby is The Best.

(credit to xbirdyblue on DeviantArt for this wonderful fanart image of Dobby)

The reactions to Harry’s name coming out of the Goblet of Fire is what infuriated me most in this book because it doesn’t even make sense. Firstly, does anybody really believe Harry’s capable of overcoming such powerful magic to put his name in? Secondly, why the fudging hell would Harry want to put his name in the Goblet? He’s a 14 year old child who has endured endless trauma; he’s spent most of his life living in an abusive household and the 3 years he’d been at Hogwarts fighting against Voldemort. He doesn’t want fame or glory, he just wants to live a normal, peaceful life and hang out with his best friends. Ron’s reaction is particularly annoying because he of all people should know Harry wouldn’t put his name in the Goblet. I understand why Ron felt that way and I love him but... 

The one thing I did enjoy about this book is the evolution of Harry’s friendships with Ron and Hermione. Hermione is fiercely loyal to Harry and devoted every waking second to helping him succeed in the tasks. Despite Ron’s silly tantrum and their divide through most of the book, their falling out really does cement Harry’s love for Ron. 

"He thought he could have coped with the rest of the school's behaviour if he could just have Ron back as his friend." 

Harry liked Hermione very much, but she just wasn't the same as Ron. There was much less laughter and a lot more hanging round in the library." 

"The thing Harry Potter will miss the most, sir!"

"Harry didn't care, he wouldn't have cared if Karkaroff had given him zero; Ron's indignation on his behalf was worth a hundred points to him." 

What can I say? Ron is Harry’s platonic soul mate. That is all.

Barty Crouch’s escape from Azkaban and transformation into Moody is more cunning and intelligent than it was in the movies - this dude switched places with his mother and left her in Azkaban in his place!! 

Fred and George were by far the highlight of this book for me. Their characters are great in the movies, but in the books they’re just--

Their antics, wit and banter are top notch. I’d actually forgotten that Harry gave his prize winnings from the Tournament to Fred and George, and it seems like such a huge injustice!! This act of kindness and selflessness on Harry’s part is largely why Fred and George are able to set up Wizard Wheezes. It’s a testament to Harry’s love for Fred and George that he gave them his winnings. Harry may not have needed the money but he could’ve done literally anything with it, and chose to give it to the twins because he believed in their ideas and wanted to give them the opportunity they needed. 

GOF was always one of my favourite movies because of this moment: 

Voldemort’s return was one of the most chilling, terrifying and shocking moments for me as a kid. The scene in the graveyard still stands out as being one of my favourite scenes from the movies. In the books, it didn’t have the same impact, unfortunately. In fact, this is what was noticeable to me all the way through reading this book - I like the movie more. The movie cuts out the filler, takes the interesting aspects of the book and does them better.

Overall, despite being at the bottom of my list, I still like GOF. It’s a huge step up in world-building and is an entertaining book with a great premise;  I loved the Golden Trio’s friendship, the appearances from Dobby and Fred and George’s antics. Unfortunately, this book is let down by the sheer amount of filler, the underwhelming execution of the main plot and too much focus on sub-plots like S.P.E.W.

6. The Sorcerer’s Philosopher’s Stone 

It was really difficult to rank Phliosopher’s Stone, because it holds a special place in my heart because it’s where the series began. This book does a great job at introducing Hogwarts and it captures those nostalgic, magical Hogwarts vibes unlike any of the other books. This book is all about the wonder and the joy of Hogwarts, and Hogwarts lives in my heart, so stepping into this magical world with Harry for the first time again was a joy to read.  

I love the time spent in this book on experiencing the smaller wonders of the magical world with Harry - Platform 9 3/4, Hogwarts Express, Diagon Alley, Ollivanders, the Sorting Hat, Great Hall feasts, ghosts etc. It’s exciting and fun to read about, and truly a gem of a book for children.

Seeing Harry go from living in a cupboard and suffering abuse and neglect to an incredible world full of wonder and people who want to get to know him and show him kindness was a joy to read. I love the development of Harry, Ron and Hermione’s friendship and how, despite how short the book is, it’s developed properly. Their friendship with Hermione doesn’t happen overnight, but by the end there’s a genuine bond and trust between them. 

But of course, as the first book in the series, the plot is lacking and the writing isn’t at its strongest. Also, despite how short it is I did feel a little bored reading the second half. It’s a great entry to the series and does a wonderful job at establishing the world, main trio and other characters, but in the grander scheme of the series it’s quite bland a forgettable. 

5. The Deathly Hallows

Now this one came as a big surprise to me, because before my re-read I considered The Deathly Hallows to be my favourite book, but I just didn’t enjoy it this time around. The first 50-60% of this book got me like: 

I was bored as hell. The travelling, the hunting for Horcruxes, Dumbledore’s backstory, the bickering between Harry, Ron and Hermione...it was tiresome. Fortunately, amongst that there were a lot of isolated things that I enjoyed. 

Firstly, I adore the Tale of the Three Brothers, it’s interesting and I love the depiction of it in the movies - it’s just so cool!

Secondly, Ron and Hermione are very cute in this book, and for the first time I  appreciated them as a romantic ship. 

Thirdly, Harry looking through Sirius’ room and finding a letter from Lily broke my heart. This moment is so touching and completely unexpected, since I’d forgotten about it over the years. 

(credit to alessiatrunifo for this stunning fanart)

Fourthly, LUNA LOVEGOOD. You know what? I have no qualms in saying Luna is one of my new favourite characters since my re-read. I always liked her, but she never stood out to me, and that’s changed. It’s not just that she’s unique and wacky, but that she’s fiercely independent, moral, kind and loyal. Luna has such a strong sense of who she is and she doesn’t let anyone or anything contradict that. 

Can I also admit that I might slightly ship Harry and Luna now? 🙊 Luna seeing through Harry’s disguise as “Barney Weasley” based on his facial expressions alone and their reactions to the possibility of the other being in danger touched my heart. 

"'She will [survive],' said Harry. He could not bear to contemplate the alternative. 'She's tough Luna, much tougher than you'd think. She's probably teaching all the inmates about Wrackspurts and Nargles.'" 

"Oh, no, I didn't want you to be caught!" 

They’re cute, okay?

Finally, Kreacher! This was perhaps one of the biggest surprises from reading this book, because I’d completely forgotten about Kreacher’s story. And boy, oh, boy did this pull on my heartstrings. Kreacher has one of the most tragic backstories in the HP universe and he absolutely deserves the redemption he got in this book. I loved seeing him develop a genine relationship with Harry, Ron and Hermione, and the fact that they never went back for him made me so sad. Poor Kreacher!

I enjoyed all of these elements of the first half of the book, and then I got to The Sacking of Severus Snape and it was like:

This is where the book finally took off for me (unfortunately, it took 30 chapters to get there) and as soon as Harry, Ron and Hermione are back in Hogwarts I couldn’t put it down. There are so many brilliant moments and things I loved that all I can really do is bullet point them:

The character reunions.

Percy finally redeeming himself!!!!

McGonnagal being the most badass to ever badass.

Neville Longbottom owns my heart ❤❤❤

Neville's grandmother's response to finding out Neville was fighting in the battle - "Naturally [he is]. Excuse me, I must go and assist him." 

Ron and Hermione's first kiss!! and Harry’s reaction to it - "Is this the moment? OI! There's a war going on here!"

Percy handing in his resignation whilst Stupefy-ing his boss - "Hello, Minister! Did I mention I'm resigning?"

The Forest Again was such an emotional chapter. It got me good.

"You'll stay with me?" "Until the very end." 😭

"Harry, you wonderful boy. You brave, brave man."

"Perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it. Those, who, like you, have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well."

Did I mention that Neville is bloomin' amazing?

Kreacher!!!!!! "Fight! Fight! Fight for my master, defender of the house-elves! Fight the Dark Lord in the name of brave Regalus! Fight!"

Reading The Flaw in the Plan was soooo much more satisfying than watching it play out on-screen in the movie. 

In many ways DH has some of the best, most satisfying moments of any of the books. It’s a strong conclusion to the series and there’s so much that I loved about it; so many memorable and emotional moments (Dobby and Fred’s deaths still hit hard 20 years later). Unfortunately, it was dragged down by the first half of the book and the epilogue. I tried so hard to keep an open mind about the epilogue, but the truth is it still BLOWS. And the more time that passes the more I resent the decisions that were made about character deaths. I understand that the stakes were high and we needed to lose characters close to our hearts but Fred?? Dobby??? Remus??? NO! Just no, okay? I don’t accept that. 

4. The Order of the Phoenix

Now, The Order of the Phoenix had similar issues as DH for me - it had a very slow start but a great ending. I did take a couple of months break in the middle of reading this one and distinctly remember slogging my way through the first half and devouring the second half. 

I’ve made no secret over the years that Sirius and Remus are two of favourite HP characters, so I expected to enjoy OOTP a lot for that reason. I did really enjoy all the smatterings of Sirius and Remus we go throughout this book. Unfortunately, there wasn’t enough for me. This book really highlighted for me how limited Harry’s POV was, because I wanted more of an insight into the Order but Harry was kept in the dark the entire time which was frustrating. 

One of the main character highlights of this book is the legend Minverva McGonnagal. Her sass, strength and determination to defend Hogwarts and its students against Dolores is astounding. Here are some of my favourite McGonnagal moments:

"Well, usually when a person shakes their head they mean 'no.'"

"Can I offer you a cough drop, Dolores?"

"I should have made my meaning plainer. [Harry] has achieved high marks in all Defence Against the Dark Arts tests set by a compotent teacher."

Defending Hagrid against Umbridge.

And of course:

(Still can’t believe the movie robbed us of this!)

Time for a less popular opinion - I loved Harry in this book. In general, this book made me feel very protective of Harry, because Harry is bloomin’ incredible and deserves so much better than what he gets in this book. He’s always had a bad rep in OOTP for being an annoying, angsty teenager, but in my opinion, this is Harry at his most relatable and lovable. After everything Harry went through, he’s entitled to be angry with the world. He endured everything that he did and took the responsibility of the world onto his shoulders with little complaint, and in OOTP he reaches breaking point. Honestly, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. The adults in Harry’s life are glaringly irresponsible in this book. Not only do they force him back to the Dursley’s after the hugely traumatic events of GOF based on some bull about “blood magic”, but they purposefully hide the truth from him even though that puts him at greater risk and adds to his emotional distress. Everyone around Harry expects him to be mature and act like an adult when he’s fighting against the darkest wizard of all time, yet don’t give him the courtesy or respect of telling him the truth about significant things that impact him and the people he loves. Sirius os the only person that refuses to belittle Harry, but in some ways, his behaviour is just as damaging as those that tried to shelter Harry from the truth, because he expects too much of Harry and projects James’ personality onto him. The adults around Harry fail him to such an extent in this book that he establishes the DA because he can’t even rely on the adults around him to keep him and his friends safe. Harry’s emotions in this book aren’t only understandable, but justified and I felt an even deeper connection to him as a result. His vulnerability shows his strength and courage more than ever before. This is the point where he goes from the Chosen One to a true champion, because even when he reaches rock bottom and wants to give up, he doesn’t walk away. I love Harry so much.

The Department of Mysteries is by far one of my favourite sections from any of the books. I love the friendship dynamics, Luna, Neville and Ginny are given the chance to really shine, the stakes are high, the action is great and despite the trauma of Sirius’ death, that moment is so hard-hitting and memorable. This section of the book just took it to a new level for me. It was really great.

The emotion of Sirius’ death was captured so perfectly, and is such a huge turning point for Harry. Like I said above, choosing to go on even after losing Sirius proves that Harry is a true hero; that he isn’t just doing what he was doing out of obligation or has been told to but because he believes in doing the right thing. I best move on before I continue to speak about how amazing Harry James Potter is.

Now we come to Neville. Can you believe that I’d actually forgot the details of Neville being the Chosen One? It was a blast learning about that again and how he’s connected to the prophecy. I also loved that we got to see his family and not just be told about it via dialogue. Neville is by far one of the most loveable and interesting minor characters in the series. He has so many great moments in books 1-4, but he really shines in OOTP.

The more I write about this book, the more I find things to love. It’s just a shame that the first half lets it down, because overall, I think there’s a lot of great material here in terms of plot and character development.

3. The Chamber of Secrets

I know that The Chamber of Secrets is generally ranked low amongst most fans, but I love it. At this point, the books were more simplistic and just fun, and I like that. I also have to acknowledge that I have a deep affinity for the COS movie - I grew up watching it over and over, and of all the movies it’s still the one I know best and always come back to (still can’t believe the “Why couldn’t it be follow the butterflies line?” wasn’t even in the books!)

I love all of the different elements in this book:

Dobby

The Burrow

The flying car

Whomping Willow

Moaning Myrtle 

This idiot

Gilderoy Lockhart is one of my favourite antagonists in the entire series, because he isn’t intentionally bad, he’s just an arrogant fool. His primary concern is his image and reputation and he was willing to go to any lengths to maintain it. He’s a bad person in a subtle and hilarious way. 

Generally speaking, there are too many fun and entertaining moments to count in this book. I love the childish-ness of this book in comparison to the darker tone the series adopts from POA onwards. For me, COS still has the silliness and merriment that I really associate HP with. Entertainment value aside, the plot in COS is actually well executed.

As a short, concise and effective plot, Tom Riddle’s diary and the Chamber of Secrets works incredibly well. I liked the mystery and suspense of the culprit of the Muggle born attacks, and the big moments connected to it - finding out that Hagrid might be the perpetrator, Ginny being possessed by Voldemort, Hermione being petrified, Harry speaking Parceltongue. The stakes are high and this plot is strong enough to keep momentum going between the more light hearted moments.

Overall, COS is a quick, easy and fun read. It may not be the best written or complex book in the series, but I’m a huge advocate for it. Not only is it highly entertaining, but it also introduced a lot of great and important aspects to the series (Horcruxes, Tom Riddle being the heir of Slytherin, Harry being connected to Voldemort, polyjuice potion and Dobby), and built very well on what was established in PS. 

2. The Half Blood Prince

The biggest surprise of this re-read was how much I bloomin’ loved Half Blood Prince. It has the perfect balance of plot, character development, mystery, humour and emotion. Out of the bigger books in the series, this was the one I finished the fastest (2 days), because it was quite literally un-put-downable (yes, that’s a word). 

First, let’s talk about the plot, because wow, it’s a good ‘un. In my opinion, it’s the strongest and best written plot from any of the books. There’s Voldemort’s backstory, the development of Harry and Dumbledore’s relationship, Snape’s backstory, the mystery of the Half Blood Prince, Harry’s rivalry/suspicion of Malfoy, hunting Horcruxes and Dumbledore’s death. This book feels like an incredible pay-off for things that have been built up in the previous 5 books. We learn so much about certain characters - Dumbledore, Snape, Malfoy, Voldemort, Ginny - and regardless of whether I liked those characters or not, I was invested. The clues that Snape is the Half Blood Prince are cleverly interwoven within the narrative and the mystery keeps you guessing, even when you know who it is. 

The last part of this book from Chapter 26 onwards was just explosive. Although I knew what was coming, I was surprised at the level of emotion I felt when Dumbledore and Harry were in the cave and when Dumbledore died. My heart was racing and I had tears in my eyes. 

This book just doesn’t let up for a second. If we aren’t learning more about Voldemort, we’re following Draco to see what he’s up to or unravelling mysteries around the Half Blood Prince or trying to get information from Slughorn about horcruxes. Even the down time is enjoyable to read in this book (Chapter 9 was one of my favourite chapters to read) and the friendships and banter are stellar. 

In terms of character development, this is also one of the strongest books. Dumbledore is finally developed beyond the omnipotent Gandalf-esque archetype and we learn bout his past and his flaws.

"I have already proven to you, I make mistakes like the next man. In fact, being - forgive me - rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger." 

The focus on Dumbledore also sets it up for his death, and you know what? It works. If we’d lost Dumbledore prior to HBP, I would’ve been shocked and upset, but losing him at this point hurts that much more because we learn so much more about him, see how important he is to Harry and how vital his guidance is in defeating Voldemort. Dumbledore’s death feels like all hope is lost, and so soon after losing Sirius it feels even harsher.

Insight into Snape’s back-story finally explains some of his motivations and actions (though it does not condone them).

Although Voldemort’s backstory doesn’t necessarily add to our understanding of him, it’s interesting to see how he came into the world, and learn about his family background. What this demonstrated most to me is that a lot of the time there is no reason for evil. Voldemort didn’t really have any motivations for what he did. Sure, he didn’t have the perfect, happy childhood but there isn’t really enough substance there to try to explain how or why he became the monster that he did. 

More could’ve been done with Malfoy, but I enjoyed him having a bigger presence in this book and how the idea that family shapes who we are isn’t always true. Draco does what is expected of him from his family, but ultimately, he has his own conscience and inner turmoil that forces him to question things.

As for Harry...he goes to a dark place in this book. OOTP has always been cpnsidered as the “angsty Harry”, but HBP takes Harry to new places. Harry feels more ruthless, reckless and determined in this book than any other. There’s an underlying sense of apathy that lingers from Sirius’ death. He obsesses about his mission to extract the memory from Slughorn and his lessons with Dumbledore, and fixates on his hatred for Draco and Snape. The fact that Harry uses Sectumsempra on Draco is honestly the most alarming thing that Harry does because it shows how dark a place Harry has gone to. He knows the spell is going to inflict serious harm and yet he uses it anyway. 

Generally, Harry abuses the potions book and manipulates, lies and takes advantage of almost everyone around him. I really see his dependency on that book and his choice to exploit it for his own benefit as adverse effects of the grief and trauma he endured. For once, he has the upper hand and I’d even argue that despite the Half Blood Prince being anonymous stranger to him, he relies on him as a mentor or parental figure. Yet despite it being a dark book for Harry, he also seems to get some genuine peace with Ginny. Although I’m not a Hinny shipper, it was so nice to see Harry experience some normality and contentment. No matter what he goes through, he remains kind hearted. I actually feel like this book more than any other emphasises that point - Harry could just as easily have gone down the same path as Vodlemort, but he made a choice not to.

“In spite of all the temptation you have endured, all the suffering, you remain pure of heart, just as pure as you were at the age of eleven, when you stared into a mirror that reflected your hears desire and it showed you the only way to thwart Lord Voldement, and not immortality or riches. Harry, have you any idea how few wizards could have seen what you saw in the mirror?" 

Plot and character development aside, the comedy in this book is gold and I appreciate the movie (and Daniel Radcliffe) for maximising on that to create some of the best and funniest scenes in the movie franchise. Chapter 18 in particular was hilarious.

Now I have to speak about one of my favourite moments from this book:

Since GoF, Fleur was grossly mistreated and discriminated against by the Weasley’s (Molly and Ginny in particular). The way they treated her was sexist and xenophobic pure and simple. They had no reason to dislike her and all of their reasons seemed to be built on some flimsy notion that she was full of herself (why, just because she was beautiful? and even if she was, what’s wrong with confidence?!) and that she was annoying and loud because she was French. Seeing Fleur finally stand up to their bigotry was fantastic. It’s a moment I’d been waiting for for so long and I’m so glad we got it, because frankly, Molly and Ginny’s beahviour towards Fleur needed to be addressed because it was disgusting.

Overall, HBP demonstrates the strengths of HP as a series. In comparison to the other books, I don’t really have anything to crituqe I enjoyed all of it from beginning to end, which is why it almost took the top spot in this ranking.

1. The Prisoner of Azkaban

It was really close between first and second place, but Prisoner of Azkaban just managed it. This is where the HP series truly takes off and starts to shine. In comparison to what we got in PS and COS it’s richer - the plot is complex, the world building is more developed, the characters are great and it’s generally an entertaining read but with added complexity in comparison to its predecessors.

I like that POA allows us to spend so much time in Hogwarts hanging out, but that the plot comes to the forefront more. We’re all so familiar with HP at this point that it’s easy to forget the impact the plot-twists must’ve punched the first time we read them. But for me, it’d been so long since I’d read the series, that it really was like reading them for the first time and POA was one of the ones that surprised me at various points.

I’d forgot details like:

The Shrieking Shack got its name and reputation because Lupin locked himself up there during transformations; The Whomping Willow was planted to hide the secret passage to the Shrieking Shack and prevent Lupin from escaping and hurting people in his werewolf form

Crookshanks was Sirius’ ally

Sirius escaped Azkaban in his dog form

Unsurprisingly, Remus and Sirius were the highlight of this book for me. I know it’s basic but I really love them and the two of them having such a focus in this book really makes it.

Remus truly shines in this book. He’s a lovable character – a great teacher, a supportive mentor and a loyal friend. His tragic backstory only adds to his character. Snape tries to villainise Remus for being a werewolf, but the reality is that he’s a victim. He was an innocent child that was bitten by a vicious, cruel monster and has to live with the consequences of that for the rest of his life. He carries so much self-loathing, fear and insecurity because of what he is and he doesn’t deserve it. Dumbledore is the only one that separates the man from the wolf and takes Remus on his merits. He knows that Remus is a genuinely good person and a talented teacher, and he’s willing to make the necessary adjustments to enable Remus equal opportunity. Not only does it benefit Remus for Dumbledore to do this, but the students too, because let’s face it, Remus is a bloody damn good teacher.

Remus is arguably the most decent and responsible adult character in the entire HP universe. He respects Harry’s agency but also acknowledges that he’s still a child that needs protection and guidance. Instead of lying to Harry or throwing him into dangerous situations, he does perhaps the most helpful thing any adult ever does for Harry – he teaches him how to defend himself. I love that Lupin and Harry’s relationship in this book foreshadows the formation of the DA in OOTP; Lupin is the only one that teaches Harry practical DATDA skills and in the absence of Lupin as a teacher, Harry then takes on that role as a mentor and provides his friends with the skills to defend themselves. 

Now we come to Sirius. Introducing Sirius as the enemy – a dangerously, mad criminal who is conspiring with Voldemort and wants Harry dead – and then revealing him to be the complete opposite was genius. Part of me wished I could completely forget so that I could experience the utter shock of finding that out for the first time. The fact that Harry saw his parents in the Mirror of Erised in PS and then finds Sirius and Lupin in this book touches my heart. Sirius is a direct link to Harry’s parents unlike anything he’s ever had. Although on the surface, their bond develops too quickly, considering that Harry is 13 years old and all he wants more than anything is to have parents and/or a connection to his parents, his quick attachment to Sirius makes sense. The thought of living with Sirius makes Harry so happy that he used it to power his patronus!!! Likewise, Sirius clings to Harry knowing that he’s the son of his best friends. He spent the entirety of his time in Azkaban knowing Harry was still out there somewhere without James and Lily and in danger from Voldemort. Immediately, Sirius provides Harry with the type of comfort about his parents that he’s never received before.

“You think the dead we have loved ever truly leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble? Your father is alive in you, Harry, and shows himself most plainly when you have need of him. How else could you produce that particular Patronus? Prongs rode again last night.”

One of the highlights of this book is the scene where Snape catches Harry with the Marauders Map. That quote is just legendary.

"Mr Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a Professor. Mr Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball."

Admittedly, the time travel in this book is problematic as hell. I’m grateful that Harry and Hermione were able to save Buckbeak and Sirius due to time travel, but if it was up to me, I’d remove time travel from the universe completely. It doesn’t fit, it’s too complicated and creates too many issues. McGonnagal condones the use of time travel for Hermione to attend extra lessons and yet won’t use it to tackle real, important problems, like I don’t know, war, death, disease, disasters etc. Not to mention the entire Voldemort problem and Harry becoming the Chosen One could’ve been resolved by going back to the night of James and Lily’s deaths.

One of my favourite elements of this book was seeing Ron and Hermione’s friendship with Hagrid. A lot of emphasis is placed on Harry’s friendship with Hagrid. but this book shows how devoted Ron and Hermione are to Hagrid. They both spend a lot of their time comforting him and helping him to prepare for Buckbeak’s trial.

This book has a great balance – it’s still on the shorter side but it doesn’t suffer for it. and here’s plenty of plot and character development. Ironically, whilst HBP is my favourite because of the emphasis on the main plot, POA is my favourite because it takes a break from Voldemort. It’s refreshing to take a step away from Voldemort and put the focus onto a new villain in Sirius, and then for the twist to be revealed that he’s not actually a villain but Harry’s godfather. The time-turner is the biggest draw-back in this book, but I can overlook that because there’s so much more to love in this book. It’s definitely the most re-readable book in terms of the length and plot. This book is a happy medium which incorporates the strengths from all of the other books in a smaller package than HBP - it’s fun but expands on the universe, introduces brilliant new characters and has a depth and complexity that the first two lack whilst not having the filler that books 4-7 have.  

Conclusion

It’s hard to read these books without it being mingled with childhood nostalgia, so that undoubtedly informed my ranking. Despite being a children's series, the books still hold up reading them as an adult. I enjoyed rediscovering the smaller details I’d forgotten over the years and feel much closer to the universe as a result. The characters and their dynamics are by far my favourite thing about HP. I also enjoy the whimsical magic and how this is offset against the darker tone later in the series. However, in light of JKR’s hateful rhetoric, my attention was drawn to the problematic elements of the books such as the portrayal of slavery in addition to: 

Lack of major/well-written characters of color

Anti-semitic caricature of goblin bankers

Cho Chang’s name (which many consider offensive), stereotypical placement in Ravenclaw (the smart house) while being the only East-Asian character in the books, and she functions almost exclusively as a love interest

Ableism all-around

Nagini, an evil snake who gets chopped in half, is actually an Asian woman according to Fantastic Beasts, making her the second of two named East Asian characters in the franchise

“Magic in North America,” a history of magic in North America published on Pottermore that grossly misappropriates and misconstrues Native American cultures

Anthony Goldstein, retconned token Jewish character, also stereotypically named

General stereotypical naming of non-Anglo-Saxon characters

Remus Lupin’s werewolf status as an AIDS metaphor while depicting his condition as making him monstrous, and the man who bit him goes around biting people for kicks

Declaring that Dumbledore is gay with exactly 0 in-canon references, and no other LGBTQ+ representation  (article credit: Separating Art from Artist - Thoughts on J.K. Rowling written by Melina List on Medium)

This is the last time I will read these books, partly because I’ve outgrown them, but mostly because I can’t, without a heavy conscience ignore the relationship between JKR’s hateful views and her works. If you want to learn more about this, I’d recommend checking out a post from my_weird_bookish_heart on Instagram which explains why we couldn’t and shouldn’t ignore the problems in these books by adopting a “art is separate from the artist” mentality (if you would like the link to this please message me and I’l be happy to share it. We can all still love and enjoy HP, but we all have a moral duty to acknowledge and take responsibility for this and not feign ignorance. Views like JKR’s directly harm individuals and groups, not just in the trans community but also the Jewish and LGBTQIA+ communities and people of colour. I can’t and won’t accept that in silence. No matter how special HP was to me as a child, the lives of real humans are unquestionably more important.

Thank you for reading.

[junhaoshua]

my ode to fandom

2020, the start of a new decade, is ending. 2021, the start of my adulthood, is beginning. I’ve always wanted to do a post about my fandom journey, and I’ve also decided to change my url starting next year: from the old faithful @moonlightmasquerade to a url for my new fandom, @junhaoshua. So before taking such a huge step, this felt like a perfect time to thank all the media that has shaped me as a person throughout my journey of youth.

This is half-chronological, half-remembered. This isn't comprehensive, because it doesn't have to be to be meaningful. It can't list every single fandom that has made its mark on me, because there are too many to count. 

This is about many people’s stories, including my own. This is about love and power and growing up and changing. This is about how transformative work can transform lives. 

To fandom: this is my ode to you.

To Frozen, the fandom that was my first love: thank you for being the place I discovered fanfic. Thank you for teaching me that it was okay to be myself. For teaching me that my parents could make mistakes when raising me even though they love me. For showing me that villains can be redeemed. 

To MLP, the fandom of my early teens and beyond: thank you for being such a big part of my life. Fallout Equestria, making me realise the impact of war and giving me hope that people can heal from the worst, that we can make a difference in the darkness. The Immortal Game, telling me that trauma can be overcome and my fate is in my hands. Hard Reset, teaching me to persevere despite the odds. Turnabout Storm, introducing me to the franchise that would inspire my future career. Freeport Venture, guiding me as I grew into my own person. These are lessons that kept me going throughout the rough years. Thank you for teaching me to write magic systems and epic fight scenes. Thank you for giving me hope that one day, even a shy bookworm like me would find my friends. 

To Wicked, the fandom of my tumultuous years: thank you for teaching me that I could be beautiful and loved no matter how I look. For opening my eyes to the cowardice of people. For helping me to understand why injustice can thrive. For telling me that sometimes you lose your best friend but you don't stop loving them. Thank you for preparing me to face all this in real life. 

To Star Wars, the fandom I was “born” into: thank you for creating a world that inspires writers. For the trilogies and the beautiful fics that were born from them. For the flaws in canon that made fans want to fix them, and write wonderful stories. Double Agent Vader and the questions of agency and power and justice and the need for righteous indignation. Reylo fics and redemption and atonement and forgiveness. The sequel trilogy stories, too many to count, about finding your family and being your own person and healing from trauma.

To Marvel, the fandom that has brought me comfort for years: thank you for starting a franchise that lasted me throughout my childhood. For the stories of X-Men and being ostracised for being born different. For the ideas of Avengers Tower and the Defenders and Spider-verses and other teams, which may not have been well handled in canon, but which inspired so many stories about dangerous people coming together and being accepted for who they are. For Daredevil and making me decide that yes I’m going to be a lawyer and no my disability will not stop me. 

To DC, the fandom I grew up in: thank you for the DCAU that I spent hours watching as a child. Thank you for inspiring so many amazing, creative people to write. Batfamily fics and the stories of well-meaning Dad Bruce who screws up despite his best efforts. Babs Gordon and being a total badass from her wheelchair. bricklaying and its discussion of power and class issues and trauma and identity, a story that I go back to time and time again. 

To Hamilton, the fandom that inspired me: thank you for introducing me to the wonderful genre of rap and hip-hop. For helping me to realise that there are villains, there are people who make mistakes, and there are people who exploit others’ mistakes. For awakening a fire and ambition in me that I had long tried to douse to try to fit in and be more likable, and telling me it was okay to be young scrappy and hungry. And for reminding me that the people I love are important, too.

And now, to the grand prizes, to the fandoms that have been the biggest part of my life.

To Harry Potter, the fandom I first participated in: thank you for opening my mind and broadening my horizons. For helping me to move past my conservative upbringing and my prejudices (the thanks is all to the fandom, not to canon). For helping me to find my first fandom family, my best friends @reapersbarge and @a-symphony-in-vellichor. For being full of stories about healing just when I needed it. For Dramione, a ship that would lead to me publishing my very first fanfiction, inspired by the wonderful @colubrina. For Drarry and my second fic that gave me the chance to tell a story with my best friend and the other half of my brain. Without HP, without these friends, I would never have found the courage or inspiration to finally finish and publish my stories.

To Six of Crows, the fandom I grew in: thank you for being my first experience with representation in stories. For opening my eyes to the world of YA novels and so many wonderful, amazing stories. (SoC was literally one of the first YA novels I ever read and I wouldn’t have gotten into bookblr without it). For helping me learn how to work with an ensemble cast of characters that all got a chance to shine. For inspiring me to come back from my long writing hiatus and rediscover the joy of being an author. 

To Taylor Swift and Marina, my two favourite solo artists: thank you for music that perfectly fits whatever I’m going through. Thank you for reputation and Electra Heart when I was hurt and angry and trying to build a shield to hide my scars. Thank you for Lover and Froot when I was trying to learn to be happy again, to conceal my hurt with a smile. Thank you for folklore and evermore and Love + Fear when I was finally ready to unbandage my scars and confront everything that I had faced and declare that it did not break me.

To Seventeen, my biggest current fandom: thank you for bringing me joy during this tough year. For always giving me something to look forward to every Monday when the days passed in a blur. For the new friends I’ve met here who welcomed me to caratblr, especially @soonhoonsol, @thekidultlife, @haosvteen, @myunqho, @xuseokgyu and @haoranghae. For reminding me what it feels like to fall deeply into a new fandom for the first time. For the amazing fics and gifs that always bless my dash (there may be another, separate post on that). For awakening my desire to write fic again after a long drought where I couldn’t think of a single thing, and giving me more plot bunnies than I know what to do with. Thank you for being a safe space that helped me to grow and heal and smile again.

To conclude this story:

Throughout my journey, I’ve seen the same threads and themes over and over again. To be my own person and not the person that others moulded me into. To be ambitious and hungry and the hero of my own story. To find my own family, to choose the people I claim as my own. To see injustice and apathy and evil and hopelessness, and to be angry and stand up against it. To believe that people can change, can atone for what they’ve done, can be redeemed. To believe in the power of hope and light against the darkness. 

Fandom is a part of my life that I truly can’t imagine being without. It has been the lifebuoy when I was stuck in trauma and unable to escape. The bandage when I was broken and bleeding and despondent. The glue to put me back together when I shattered into a million sharp-edged pieces. The armor when all I wanted to do was rip out my feelings and put up stone walls around myself. The candle that guided me through the night until I was ready to step into the daylight. 

For the fandoms of my past: I may have become less active, less involved, but I still return to the songs and stories that have been an integral part of my youth. I see them now with older, wiser eyes, and recognise bits and pieces of my personality that I absorbed from them. I’ve never truly left a fandom; how can you leave something when it’s part of you?

For the fandoms of my present: I want to live in the moment and enjoy my experiences for as long as I can, even if I’ll outgrow them one day. I know that even if I move on from them one day, I’ll always treasure the lessons learnt and the memories made, and they’ll have a special place in my heart no matter what.

I believe in the power of stories, of movies, of music, of fandom. I would not be who I am today without it. Every fandom I’ve been in has left an impression on who I am, made its mark on me, a golden tattoo. I can look at them and trace the way each and every one has shaped me into the person I am today. 

And as I hover in the in-between of childhood and adulthood, as I stand now a kidult, I’ll embark on this new phase of life with all the lessons that fandom has taught me, and will continue to teach me for many years to come.

[iliveiloveiwrite]

Boggart

A/N: Here I am again! Another fic for you all. I have been that productive over the last couple of days that I have the inspiration to write (lets see how it long it lasts lmao)

Title: Boggart.

Pairing: Harry Potter x Reader

Summary: You face a boggart and the whole class sees what your worst fear is.

Requested: Nope.

Warnings: The reader has some pretty negative feelings through this. If that isn’t your thing, then that’s okay. 

Word Count: 1.3k

Professor Lupin asks the class to repeat the incantation one more time. 

“Riddikulus!” The class repeats. 

“Very good, class. Neville, you first. For the rest of you, start thinking of what you fear the most and a way to bring laughter. After all, the only way to defeat a Boggart is laughter.”

The class gathered into a line, everyone thinking of their worst fear. You were stood in front Harry and Ron; you could hear Ron whispering to himself ‘take its legs off’ and you knew he was thinking of spiders. As for Harry, you couldn't tell what he was thinking of. He wasn't as obvious as Ron. 

As for yourself, you knew what you feared most and you were dreading the line getting shorter and shorter. Before long, it would be your turn you the while class would see your worst fear. 

You felt pathetic, truly, you did. Your worst fear was being rejected by the boy who lived. It had started out as an innocent crush; admiring from afar - you were in the same year, same house and had run in the same friendship group on more than one occasion. Your friends all laughed when you admitted to your crush but they soon understood that it was to become something more. Now, by Third Year, you’d argue that you were half in love with the boy you knew you had no future with. After all, you weren't remarkable or extraordinary. You were quite the opposite rather; average in all aspects other than your devotion to your studies, You rivalled Hermione Granger in that. 

The Boggart had been defeated by the girl in front of you and it was now your turn. Cringing internally, you step towards the monster. 

The Boggart starts to shift; starts to turn into your worst fear. Your hand is shaking as you reach for your wand; wanting desperately to say the incantation and be done with it. 

The Boggart is fully formed now; taking the form of one Harry Potter. The class is silent; you can feel Harry’s alarm from behind you. It is obvious he’s confused but then the Boggart starts to speak: 

“Who would love you? Why would I love you? You aren’t my type at all.” 

It would be now or never; hand shaking, you lift your wand. You whisper the spell “Riddkulus.” 

The Boggart continues to utter the horrible words; each one like a fresh cut to your heart and soul. The spell takes root though, and slowly the speaking becomes high pitched as if Boggart Harry had swallowed a helium balloon - and then he starts to swell, similar to what happened to his Aunt over summer. 

Slowly, the laughter starts. Whether it is for the Boggart or whether they are laughing at you, no-one knows. Tears start to form in your eyes and you turn your attention to Professor Lupin who is stood at the side of the classroom watching you with a sad expression on his face; as if he recognises the self-loathing within. Your eyes beg a silent question and he nods; giving you permission to leave his classroom. 

You turn, quicker than lightening, grab your things and almost sprint back to the Gryffindor common room. Your tears are flowing freely now. The common room completely empty, you take a seat in front of the roaring fire and put a hand to your mouth to stop the sob from escaping. 

You feel a little foolish, truth be told. Sitting in front of the fire, crying over a boy you won’t even remember in ten years. It’ll be okay, you think, in a few days this will have blown over and no-one will remember it. they’ll have moved on to the next piece of news. 

You’ve calmed down now; sobs shifting to sniffles. You're wiping your eyes on the sleeves of your robes when you hear a whisper: 

“(Y/N)?”

You turn to see Harry standing there, looking quite lost, as if he doesn't know how to approach you. 

“Are you okay?” He asks. 

“I will be,” You answer, wiping your cheeks dry. “It’ll have been forgotten about by next week so I’ll keep my head down until then. I should apologise to you though.” 

“Me? Why?” 

“I think the last thing anyone ever expects is to be someone’s Boggart, Harry. I think the last thing you deserve, after everything you have lived through, is to be someone’s Boggart.” 

Harry’s silent, trying to think of the right way to answer you. You are right, he never expected to be your Boggart. He never expected you to feel anything for him other than friendship. He’s been in love with you since the moment you supported Hermione when Snape made comments about her appearance. It had got you a week’s worth of detentions but you stood your ground and listed the reasons why Snape was wrong and Hermione was perfectly fine as she is. The fact that you stood up for his friends, when no-one else would dare to. Well, he fell head over heels for you then and there. Ron had a field day with that; for at least a week, he would nudge Harry when you came into the room and say “the love of your life has just walked in.” 

“I’m really sorry, Harry. It must have been so embarrassing for you.” You whisper. 

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by that. “It wasn't embarrassing.” 

You snort, “Are you sure? I was pretty embarrassed.” 

He nods, “ I’m sure. It was what Boggart me was saying that caught my attention.” 

The colour drains from your face. You didn’t want to have to face this, not right now, not ever preferably. The logical side of you knew that you would have to and that it would be better to face it now than later but all you wanted to do was curl up in bed and spend the rest of the day there. 

“Why would you think that about yourself?” 

You take a deep breath, not really knowing how to confront this other than truthfully. “Honestly, a lot of the was because of how I see myself. I don't see myself as anyone remarkable or someone who is going to make an impact on society or the world. I’m an average witch from an average family. And on top of that, I’m half way in love with a boy who is going to change the world, and is more than remarkable and I can just see how it isn't going to work because how on Earth could someone like you fall in love with someone like me?” 

“Pretty easily, actually, if you must know.” Harry states, bluntly, truthfully. 

Your mouth hangs open, unsure if what you’ve heard is true, “What?” 

“It was pretty easy actually. Someone like me, falling in love with someone like you.” 

“You’re joking?” You ask, hoping that this isn't a joke. 

“Definitely not. I’ve liked you for a while now. Ever since you defended Hermione and I saw the goodness of you. You are this wonderful person who is not only a fierce friend and protector but you are so smart. Hermione has mentioned a couple of times how she’s like to study with you. You are completely loveable, and I should know it, because I am. In love with you that is.” 

“Oh my god,” You say, and the tears start anew. 

Harry looks at you alarmed, “What? What’s happened?” 

“Nothing. Nothing, I just never expected this to happen and I’m just really happy.” 

“You are?” He asks, and you nod. 

“Oh, good. So can I kiss you now?” 

“Yes, you can.” 

He leans in and presses his lips to yours. It’s a little clumsy, and it is slightly more wetter than it should be because of the tears on your behalf but it’s perfect. 

You didn’t ever think a Boggart would be to thank for your love life.

[mi6021ellawatson]

Liminal

Liminal - occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold.

Liminal Space - In architecture, liminal spaces are defined as "the physical spaces between one destination and the next." Common examples of such spaces include hallways, airports, and streets.

These spaces can often quickly become scary or uncomfortable because it is not a space that we are used to being in for an extended period of time. In fact, liminal spaces are often cold and bare as people are expected to be just passing through them.

My second idea in a way does connect to my initial idea in the sense that they touch on similar topics such as autism and trauma, I just feel I am approaching them in a slightly different way and talking about a different aspect of the experience. It stems mainly from conversations between me and my best friend Jasmine. We both are autistic, diagnosed within a few years of each other and friends even before hand. Though we have a great connection with each other we also often talk on the difficulties of loneliness, isolation and the feelings of being lost or left behind that comes along side autism. Its a very difficult feeling to put into words, perhaps a rabbit in the headlights captures the feeling, being alone and isolated on a road with life coming at you, always waiting for its impact. Another way we tend to describe it is as if everyone is given a handbook on life as a child, we got one, it just had half the pages missing. Enough to get by but never enough to feel part of everyone else. Lastly, the picture from The X-Files is not as random as it seems, along side autism and loneliness comes escape into our special interests. For me I love The X-Files, feeling very connected to Scully as a character and using her as an escape and a friend at times. For Jasmine she loves Harry Potter and Twilight. Like many of the autistic communities these interests are what keep us grounded and safe. Though we often are bullied from them, some neurotypical people seeing them as childish or embarrassing, they still are such a massive factors in our lives.

I would like to explore this feeling, this idea is not as developed as the last so I can't tell you as much about my plans for its development yet.

Dissertation - Exploring the representation of female autism in animation, film and television.

[wizardessheart-sideb]

My WH Story & Feelings on it Ending

TW: abuse, depression, y’all know my trauma by now

With the discontinuation of Wizardess, I've been thinking a lot about this game and what it means to me, but it's been hard to articulate it for a number of reasons. But reading them congratulating us on graduating from the Academy has put me into motion. So here's my WH story and lots of mushiness. I started playing Wizardess during the summer of 2017. I'd already completed a year at my four-year uni. I didn't really have any friends there. I had one friend and man that was about to GO BAD. I'd discovered dating sims a few months prior with Mystic Messenger, so I got into playing more dating sims. My first SWD game was actually Ninja Assassin, and then I played Blood in Roses. I kept seeing ads for Wizardess and like a lot of players, I thought it looked like a dumb Harry Potter rip-off. Which I don't know why considering I knew Ninja Assassin and BiR were really good, but whatever. So I downloaded WH on a whim and honestly, it took me a while to get into the game. I still didn't really know how otome games worked and stuff. I chose Yukiya as my first route and as soon as the mystery kicked in, I was completely hooked. This game quickly took over my life. Where Fire Emblem had been my biggest comfort, Wizardess overtook everything for me. And thank God it did. I never had had that many issues with school. I've had depression since I was little, but school had never been a source of stress for me. The year before I started college, that changed. I can pinpoint the moment my mental health took a turn for the worse, and that happening right before I started community college was bad. I was lucky to go to a really good community college with great teachers and my friends went too, so I still had my friends with me. It wasn't until I moved to the LA area that school started impacting my mental health. When I was younger, I get depression in waves. Sometimes it'd be bad, sometimes it felt like it wasn't even there. But as soon as I got into college, it was there constantly and I felt it hard in LA. And after a stressful first year and then a horrible second semester, I had to return home to the place I absolutely hated and even worse, I felt unsafe at home. I was born in a city up in northern California, but I moved to a small town when I was 10. My mom and I moved in with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. The thing about this small town is that a lot of families are similar and so like. My older cousin had friends who had younger siblings that were the same age as me and my other cousin, so we were alll friends. Growing up and being beaten by older cousin, it was normalized bc my friends were going through the same thing. I thought being beaten up by someone I considered an older brother was totally normal. It was only until I got into the LA area did I realize "holy shit that's abuse I was ABUSED?!?!?!" because I'd laugh when I talked about how badly I used to get beaten and classmates were horrified at what I was saying instead of my friends from the small town who'd usually laugh with me and then tell me about the time their brother pushed them off the roof of their house. I already hated the small town I'd grown up in, but now I didn't feel safe. Although he hadn't hit me in years, I'm always scared one day my cousin's going to snap and start the cycle of abuse over again. Wizardess was a huge escape for me. I could just read it and get lost in Gedonelune and forget that I was in an unsafe situation and how sad I was. I'd just lay in bed and read for hours. I started making friends through the fandom and I wasn't platonically lonely anymore. And the game supplied the romance I know I'll never get to experience in real life. This game has given me so much comfort and been my rock for so many years. It's been one of the few good things in my life and when I'm sad (which is like all the time lmao), I can just go to Gedonelune and escape everything for hours. I returned to school and things friendship-wise were looking up. I made more irl friends and I FINALLY got good roommates in my dorm. School was still taking a toll on my mental health and depression made it hard to get to class because I had no energy to get out of bed even though I wanted to and my mind was screaming at me to get up. Wizardess was still a comfort but I was also having more light-hearted fun with it. Over time, Wizardess has evolved and instead of it just being my rock, I can appreciate it for other things. As it came to light how problematic Rowling was, I could appreciate that although the rep wasn't perfect, Wizardess included wlw rep and did the best they could. It didn't feel like they did it for woke points like someone, but it felt like a genuine move to try and include rep and I appreciate that. It really shouldn't surprise anyone Harry Potter was a huge huge HUGE thing to me as a child and ngl if I didn't have WH, it would've been a lot more painful to divorce myself from Harry Potter. And as I went through uni and saw that my uni didn't really care about its students from trying to ban students from speaking out against racism and disregarding school shooting threats. Hell, when my roommate Ariana and I stayed in our dorm room after the uni did a shitshow investigation of a shooting threat and refused to cancel classes, I played Wizardess like all day. Having a school in Gedonelune that actually CARED about students was a comfort. I fought tooth and nail against my classes and depression and I finished classes this last December. I now have my bachelors and this May, I would've had my graduation ceremony. Now, to be honest, I don't really care about doing graduation for my uni bc of all the bad experiences I had there and also not every member of my fam would've been able to go bc limited space and picking who gets to go is uh a nightmare. I had a small "graduation ceremony" with my family on zoom and my best friend Julia is planning on holding me another graduation ceremony in Animal Crossing. I am as much of a graduate of Gedonelune Royal Magic Academy as I am my irl uni. Wizardess has been with me for only a few years, but it's been a huge part of my life. And seeing the team congratulating us is bittersweet. It's sad that the WH team got let go without much warning (allegedly) and there will be no more new content, but the way I see it, the torch has been passed to us. So many of us are creating content for the fandom and our own events and routes. It's true, we're graduating from the Academy, but we'll always have a part of it inside us and now it's our turn to create and use the skills and knowledge we've learned from Wizardess.

[nerdywizardflower]

Reading as a coping mechanism: advantages and disadvantages

All of us have that one particular thing/ activity that keeps us grounded and acts as a coping mechanism. For me, it has always been reading from as far back as I can remember. Whenever I try to think of moments in my life that have shaped me or impacted me, it has always been those reading sessions on my tablet at 3:00 AM in the darkness, under the covers in my bed. I remember the times I read Harry Potter at night before a dreaded math exam. I think of worlds that I’ve been in, the characters that I’ve loved. Reading for me has been more of a coping mechanism than a leisure activity.

For a person that NEEDS to have ‘something to do/achieve’ in order to feel happy or content with their situation in life, reading has always had my back as an effective strategy to cope with my thoughts or the lack of them. It saves me from feeling worthless when I don’t have anything to achieve or prove my worth to myself and others.

There was a time I used to take pride in being the most emotionally invested person, my head was always swarming with ideas, thoughts and scenarios. Over the course of time, that buzzing brain activity has been replaced by a maddening static. A numbness that doesn’t hurt, but still makes me wonder where all those noises went. In short, my emotions have disassociated themselves from my reality. It might sound fun but everything feels like an elaborate, everlasting dream in this state.

During the pandemic, that numbness has increased. The lack of stimulation/challenges from the environment threaten my self on a daily basis. I don’t like the lack of activity in my head so I decided I would read to cope with this. I set up a Goodreads reading challenge for myself and I read everyday to meet that particular goal. First I set up an easy goal. 25 books by the end of this year but then my best friend asked me increase it because it was too easy to achieve so I increased it to 50. I am at 33/50. My college will reopen soon. I don’t think I will be able to dedicate that much time to reading when the new semester starts so I’m in a bit of a reading rush this week.

All That being said, now I would like to talk about the benefits and disadvantages of using reading as a coping mechanism.

BENEFITS OF READING AS A COPING MECHANISM.

1. It is a productive coping mechanism: Unlike other coping mechanisms like binging on food, TV etc, reading is a rather productive coping mechanism. While you read, you gain a lot of knowledge, your brain is actively working while reading and that differentiates it from other passive mechanisms of coping.

2. It helps deal with cycles of toxic thoughts: When you’re reading, you are immersed in a different world, a world where your problems don’t exist, where your toxic thoughts can’t enter. As long as it is not being used as a reason to procrastinate, reading to deal with your problems and your thoughts is beneficial for you.

3. Reading makes your imagination run wild: I read to deal with the lack of thoughts in my head. I read to fill that emptiness in my head when I’m not doing anything. Reading makes me imagine, it fills my head with characters, places and people and their problems. I think it’s a pretty good way to deal with that numbness instead of sitting and brooding or sleeping.

4. Reading makes you empathetic towards people: As a reader, I know there are a lot of stories around, that all people are heroes in their stories. It makes me understand that every action of theirs comes from a place that I wouldn’t understand unless I want to. Reading made me realize that all people have their problems and that I should try to understand them before judging them.

5. Reading takes you to places you haven’t been: Reading can be a very effective way to cope especially since we’re stuck at home during this pandemic. For people who love to travel, reading can take you to places you haven’t been without even stepping out of your room.

DISADVANTAGES OF READING AS A COPING MECHANISM.

Generally, I don’t often talk about the disadvantages of reading. What can be wrong with reading? It’s a perfectly good hobby/ coping mechanism. However, there are a lot of problems that are introduced in your life when you’re a compulsive reader.

1. Reading keeps you detached from your real life: I have often noticed that I read to escape the lack of brilliance in my life. This has two consequences: first, the real world becomes less and less appealing to you and second, it becomes difficult to get out of your fantasy world and be completely present in the real world.

2. Reading comes with an irrational compulsion to buy more books: This is a problem that no-one addresses. Reading is a pretty cheap hobby to begin with. In the world of technology, you can get millions of ebooks for free. The libraries also provide us with physical books. Yet we buy lots of books every year for ‘therapy’ or simply for the joy of owning a book. This leads to irrational book shopping sprees late at night. Sometimes We buy books that we don’t even end up reading. I won’t deny, I’ve done that too.

3. Readers are natural Hoarders: we all love to hoard books don’t we? All of us have dreams of owning multiple shelves full of books. Our obsession to hoard is so strong that we even keep books that we don’t like or the ones we are never going to read. Why? Because we want to own a lot of books. Believe me, that’s a serious problem.

Reading might have a lot of advantages and some disadvantages but one irrefutable fact about reading books is that it as a productive coping mechanism and will continue to be one for as long as humanity will last.

[shittyfandomimagines]

“You’re not my mom.”

Fluffy angst

My heart, wow I want his kids

GIF creds to owner

“You’re not my mom, so stop acting like it. Not that you’d be good at it anyways! I hate you!” Shawn’s 11-year-old daughter, Ella, yelled at me earlier... yet it still rang through my ears.

It was true, I wasn’t her biological mom but I married Shawn when she was 7 1/2 and since then I’ve helped raise her. Her mom was kinda active in her life and I would never want to replace her, but it wasn’t like I didn’t see her as my own.

Shawn had stepped out to go get lunch for us all after the whirlwind of emotions we had gone through this morning. Between Ella’s mom not showing up to pick her up and my pregnancy giving off too many hormones, we were all filled with uneasiness.

I had only wanted to help her because I could tell how disappointed she was since her mom bailed, again. I knew damn well I was being too pushy and I just had to fix it, but I made it worse, and her preteen hormones kicked in.

I know kids say things they don’t mean when they’re mad, hell, adults do it too. It’s just that I know it hit me harder because I am carrying Shawn’s kid. I’m going to be a mom in less than 4 months and I’ve always questioned if I’ll be a good mom to her. Then, the added stress of not knowing if Ella would be jealous and hate her sister added on to it.

I felt tears run down my face rapidly as I ate out of the tub of ice cream, I felt so awful as a person. I tried so hard to just push it off but I couldn’t. So I continued to just cry and eat.

—

I was in our room when I heard Shawn come through the front door, I fixed myself to look like I hadn’t been sobbing my eyes out. “Girls! I’m home and have food!” He yelled and I heard Ella open her door and I waited until she was down the stairs before I made my way down too.

“I picked up some more ice cream, I noticed we were almost out,” Shawn mentioned as he held up the tub for me to see before placing it in the freezers. “Thanks,” I mumbled with a smile and dug out my meal from the bag.

I sat down at the table, dipping my fries into the ranch solemnly as Shawn and Ella chatted about hockey. I loved their bond and before today, I knew Ella and I had our own bond.

“Ya feeling okay?” Shawn asks and Ella gives me a pleading look, so I nod my head. “I’m fine, just super tired today.” I lie and continue to eat.

——

The night proceeded on as they watched hockey and Harry Potter, but I just felt nothing but heartache at the sight. I knew I was the reason she was upset for tonight because I was overly motherlike and I would soon be the reason she’d be angry because I was having a kid.

“I’m gonna head to bed, I’ll see you two curly-heads in the morning,” I mumble and make my way to the staircase, tears already started to make their way down my cheeks. I stopped halfway to suck in air, I was trying my hardest not to let a sob escape my quivering lips.

“You okay?” I heard Shawn yell from the living room. I cleared my throat quietly before giving him a response.

When we got to the room, I went to the bookshelf by the closet door, I found the old photo album from a few years ago.

I flipped through the pages of pictures, Ella had her brown curls a mess on our wedding night, it made me giggle a little. She reminded me so much of her dad, she had his hair and laugh, the big brown eyes and kind soul, even though she could say some mean things I knew how much of a heart she had.

I skipped through the album to some of her first “big girl” recitals at the dance studio, I remembered how she cried on my shoulder that night because her mom didn’t show up.

I had to choke back more cries as I tried not to think of all the times I had tried to be her mom, maybe I tried too fucking hard. I had pushed her away and made her hate me, literally.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong? What’s going on?” I hadn’t even heard Shawn’s footsteps come up the stairs. I push the album aside and wipe my tears away quickly. “Nothing. Nothing, just hormones.” I lie and turn the bedside light off, trying to make it seem like I was getting ready for bed.

“You’ve been acting different since lunch, what’s going on?” He flipped the light back on and got closer to me, I just shook my head.

“It’s honestly nothing, you should be having fun with El.” I tried to crack a smile but he wasn’t taking it.

“I’ll go back down there when you tell me what’s wrong.”

“I tried to console Ella today and she snapped at me, no big deal okay.” I tried to play it off and he crossed his arms.

“What’d she say?” He asks and I shake my head, it was one stern look and I was a blubbery mess.

“Sh-She told me I wasn’t her mom and that I wouldn’t be good a-at it anyways. She sai-said she hated me.” I forced the sentences out while I sobbed into my hands, admitting it hurt like hell.

His mouth fell agape and I could see his cheeks getting red with anger.

“Babygirl, I swear I’ll have a talk with her. I’m so sorry that she said that and you know as well as I do that you’ve been the best mother figure to her. You’re gonna make an amazing mother to our other daughter, you already are to Ella.” He comforts and I sniffle some more.

“What if I’m not? What if she hates me more because I’m some new mom to a little sister and she still hates me, she hates that we got married. I’m so sorry.” I sob into my hands and he jumped forward to hold me in his arms.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay darling. You are so amazing to the both of us and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s just being a brat because she’s hurt. She loves you and you know that I’m so sorry you’re hurting.” He whispers and rubs my back soothingly.

“You’re sure?” I ask and he nods quickly.

“Ella!” Shawn yells and my eyes widen drastically. “Shawn, no I don’t want to let her see me like this!” I flip the light off and he turns it on just as quickly.

Ella came into the room and I was trying to sink further into the bed but I couldn’t. “Yeah, dad?” She asks and he moves so she can see me.

“You really hurt Y/n’s feelings this morning, I need you to see how bad.” He scolds and she looks at me, her eyes widen.

“I- I am so sorry Y/n. I didn’t mean what I said and I was just being mean.” Her lip quivered and it made me feel awful for even being upset over it.

“Just because you were mad doesn’t mean you get to say hurtful things. Words have an impact.” Shawn scorns her and she had tears falling out of her pretty hazel eyes.

“I know and I’m so sorry!” She cried and I opened my arms for her, she came over quickly and jumped in bed beside me. She cried on my shoulder and I felt my heart warm some.

“I’m just so mad at my mom because she’s never there for me and I want her to be like you. She never cares!” She sobs and I look over to Shawn, I see his heartbreak too.

“She cares about you,” I whisper and she shakes her head. “No she doesn’t and I’m mad because when my sister comes you’re not going to care about me anymore either! You’re going to just be her mom.” She was choking on her tears and I sit her up quickly.

“Hey, that’s not true. You’ve been a big part of my life and I love you even though I didn’t have you. I’ll love you just as much as I love your sister, okay? You’re my girl, Ella, I wouldn’t trade you for the world.” I brush the stray curls out of her eyes, they had fallen out of her bun.

“Babygirl, y/n and I will not love you any less just because we’re having a baby. You’re my world, all of you are.” Shawn held his arms out and she leaped into his too.

I sniffled the rest of my tears back in and she pulled away from Shawn. “I wanna call you mom but I don’t wanna betray my other mom.” She cried some more and I rub her shoulder soothingly, it touched my heart that she even wanted to call me mom.

“I can be Y/n or mom, either way, I’m going to love you the same,” I tell her and she gives me a big hug. “I love you, okay? Can you please come back downstairs to watch the movie with us?” She asks and I kiss her head, giving her a short nod.

“I’m going to make you some popcorn!” She ran out of the room and Shawn gave me a smile. “See, I told you so.” He kisses my hand and I shook my head. “I love you, you know that?” He adds and I nod slowly.

“I love you too.” I kiss his cheek and he wraps his lean arms around me.

“I’m so glad we have a family and that I get to live this life with you. My love for you will always be the same, Y/n. Always.”

[serendipitous-magic]

Question Game - AKA Oversharing Hour

I was tagged by @the-angry-pixie​! And I’m a chronic oversharer, so this was fun. I’ll put most of it under a read more line because there’s a LOT.

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? 

Black. Dunno why.

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? 

City city city city city city city city. I’m already going fucking batshit as it is, trapped in suburbia. I want to be able to actually do things, anything. Anything other than just being around the house and / or work. (And I felt like this before the pandemic started.) If you live in the city you can walk out your door and be somewhere else within like 5 minutes. A city park, a cafe, a train/subway, a local attraction, a museum, an artist’s booth, an outdoor market, etc. etc. 

Living in suburbia is like, well, to go literally anywhere you have to get into your car first and drive like 10 minutes minimum to get out of the neighborhood, and then if you want to go anywhere that’s not the grocery store you have to drive 20 minutes to get to another area of town, and then once you get there that’s the only place you can be without getting into your car again and getting a nice shot of anxiety from having to drive in traffic and have aggressive drivers roar up on your ass because you’re going 5mph above the speed limit and they want to be going 15mph above, and god help you if you have to merge, and oh by the way this is your only option to get around because public transit doesn’t really exist in any useful way in Big Suburbia, and nothing in within walking distance of your house except like 2 playgrounds and maybe one (1) gas station. (I hate it here lmao)

If I was trapped in the country I’d probably be chill with it for about a week, and enjoy the break, and the on day 8 I’d snap and go on a murdering spree out of stir-craziness.

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? 

I want to learn German and eventually be fluent in it. But since I’ve already started trying to learn and I don’t know if that counts, I’ll say cinematography. As in the actual working of the camera and lighting and all that. I can dream up some pretty striking images but actually getting the camera to do the settings needed to capture them is another story entirely.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? 

Nope. I drink coffee and tea both, and I don’t put any kind of sweetener in either of them. I used to put a shitton of sugar in my coffee and honey in my tea, and then I had some mild eating disorder struggles in college and I never got back in the habit of putting stuff in my hot drinks after that. It just tastes wrong now, after being used to plain black coffee.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? 

Either the Harry Potter series or The Hobbit. My grandma would take care of me a lot when I was really little because my parents both worked full time to support us, and every single time I was at her house she’d sit us down at the dining room table and read something to me. Not Junie B. Jones or anything, either, but real, big, thick books. I loved the shit out of Harry Potter and The Hobbit; I would request them repeatedly. We pretty much went back and forth; we’d read Harry Potter, and then The Hobbit, and then when a new Harry Potter book came out we’d read that, and then The Hobbit again, and so on and so forth.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? 

Showers. I love baths, they’re magical, but ain’t nobody got time for that unless it’s a special occasion. I got too much shit to do to spend an hour lying in the bathtub.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? 

Vampire. Purely on the basis that if I was immortal maybe I’d finally have time to get my to-do list done and accomplish things. I’d miss the sunlight though.

8. Paper or electronic books? 

Paper. Here’s the thing, I really want to enjoy ebooks, but they just don’t hold my attention at all. Maybe I’m too conditioned by the internet to have a short attention span when I’m looking at a screen, idk.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? 

I have a dark gray hoodie from the Seattle Aquarium from when I went on a road trip across America with my BFF a few years ago. It’s still my absolute favorite thing. I also enjoy my hiking boots a lot. (I wear them all the time, really they should just be called “everyday boots” haha)

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it?

I like my name and I would also like to start going by something different. Probably just because I’m a restless soul and I feel the best (and least trapped) when I’m on the move or when things are changing. The second I get somewhere I want to be somewhere else. That’s just how I am. Gwen is a cool name (I’ve personally met maybe 3 people in my whole life with the same name, face-to-face), but there’s a lot attached to that nickname that I don’t necessarily want to carry with me when I eventually escape my hometown and start down a new path.

11. Who is a mentor to you? 

A friend and former professor whom I usually refer to online as Producer Man. He’s a producer (as you may have guessed) who kind of took me under his wing after I was in one of his film classes in college. We work together on film projects now and he’s teaching me bit-by-bit (usually by way of long, rambling, tangential stories / lectures) about the industry. He’s a really good guy. Like, he for sure has a case of Old White Guy sometimes, but his heart is absolutely in the right place. “He’s a little confused, but he’s got the spirit.” He’s always leaving $10 tips at coffee places and working himself to the bone to get his students connected to jobs and internships that will help them with their careers. 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? 

Yes, my stories. Actually, “famous” is not the right word. It’s just that fame is so tightly associated with success in our society. I want to be successful. Whether I’m widely known or not is pretty inconsequential to me. I want to make stories and I want them to have an impact. Books, film, etc. It’s about as simple as that.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? 

Oh yeah. I have trouble  sleeping as much as I should because I usually kind of jerk awake in the morning with this vague feeling that I forgot something or that I’m late for something. Also I stay up later than I should because I’m a night owl, and yet I like being up early because early mornings are great. And usually if I dream at all it’s something kind of stressful, like I dream that I forgot something important or did something wrong. I’m a Stressed Bean. 

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? 

I think so, yeah. I’m pretty obsessed with the idea of romance (I mean look at my OTPs), but heteronormativity got me fucked up enough that I’m bad at actually navigating real romantic feelings or relationships because society never prepared me for The Gay.

15. Which element best represents you? 

Fire, probably.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? 

My mom. We fight a lot and there tends to be a lot of tension between us. It’s a long complicated story. It boils down to, she really hurt me when I came out as not-straight at 15 and she lost all of my trust and even though she’s working on being less homophobic we’re still kind of trying to repair that divide seven years later.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? 

Dude, I miss everyone. I’m an introvert and I’d love to be at a big party right now. I miss socialization. (As does everyone.) 

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. 

The first time I experienced deja vu, I was about eehhh 6? And I legitimately believed, for several years of my life, that I had future-predicting abilities. Like, supernatural-level future-predicting abilities. Because I didn’t really know what deja vu was, so I thought, every time it happened, that I had already ~seen~ that moment in my dreams or something. 🤣

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? 

Hm. (My immature ass brain yells “DICK.” No, brain. Those were dark heteronormative times. Also, grow up.) 

Probably some of the sushi in Seattle. I actually love sushi, it’s just that when it has full-on legs and eyeballs I start getting a little squeamish. I like the rolls and the kind where there’s some fish meat laid out on a nice little bed of rice, that’s delicious. But when they brought out the whole shrimp with legs still attached, I was like “How in the (redacted) am I going to chew / swallow that.”

20. What are you most thankful for? 

That I happened to be living with family when this pandemic hit. I was supposed to move out (and across the country, actually) as of... like 4 days ago, as it happens. That was the plan. Plane ticket was gonna be booked for 7/15/20. Obviously, things didn’t quite work out that way, because of the pandemic and a few other reasons. But I can’t imagine if I had been in an apartment living with roommates, or in an apartment on my own struggling to get by, when this happened. A lot of people couldn’t pay rent and lost their homes. I was very, very lucky to be where I was, when I was, and very lucky that I have family who let me stay in their house pretty much indefinitely while this clusterfuck of a year happens.

21. Do you like spicy food? 

Yes! I looooove spicy thai food especially. I miss the massaman curry from a local Thai place so much 😭

22. Have you ever met someone famous? 

Um. Maybe? I met Veronica Roth once at an author talk in the library where I work, although it was before I worked there. And I met some guy from New Zealand who’s famous for his sword fighting skills because my dad does sword fighting stuff. Don’t remember his name though.

23. Do you keep a diary or journal? 

Yep. I have to write down everything or I forget. (I often say I have the memory of a goldfish.) Also, I have this compulsion to record and preserve my experiences in life, because I feel like our time on Earth is so fleeting and if I don’t write down what’s important to me, I’ll forget it and lose it.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? 

Pen. Pencil gets smudged.

25. What is your star sign? 

Scorpio, which is ironic because they’re supposed to be ~hyper sexual~ I guess, and I’m like gray-ace or something in that zone.

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? 

Crunchy. Who eats soggy cereal? Are you okay? Do you need help? This is an intervention. 

27. What would you want your legacy to be? 

My stories. Life and sentience, as we experience it, is made up of just that: experience. And I read somewhere that, on some level, the human brain doesn’t differentiate that much between real life experiences and fictional experiences. I think that’s true. If you read or watch or hear the right story, it can really touch you and change the way you see life, or even change the way you live life. Stories have an incredible amount of power, both in individual people’s lives and in larger society. A huge amount of power. I want to be able to give people experiences that will Enrich Their Lives (do I sound like a lifestyle coach yet? 🤦🏼‍♀️), but also stories that actively do good in society. Positive representation, body positivity/neutrality, diversity, healthy relationships (Hollywood has a real problem with that). Hope. It’s the best thing I can think to give society, and storytelling is what I love to do.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? 

I love reading. I wish I did it more. Part of my problem is that I get caught up in the hectic Rat Race of modern society and I never feel like I have time to sit down with a book for hours. Another problem of mine is that I start too many things at once, meaning I currently have like 5-10 (I lost count) books that I started reading, and I want to finish all of them, which means no progress ever gets done on any of them.

I last finished The Goldfinch, and I am currently working on The Secret History, Good Omens, Dune, a book my dad wrote, Directing Actors, Shot by Shot, The Way of Kings and I forget what else.

29. How do you show someone you love them? 

Physical affection, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts, in that order. If I’m close to someone, whether romantically or not, I want all the affection. And I’m kind of dying in quarantine. 

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? 

Depends. I usually don’t put any in, because it’s just gonna water down the drink and get in the way of drinking it (you know when the ice attacks your face?), but I don’t really mind ice in my drinks.

31. What are you afraid of? 

Helplessness. I Have Control Issues. ✌️ Also stagnation.

32. What is your favourite scent? 

Amber. Or any scent that’s kind of autumn-y. You know what I mean. Some other examples include dryer sheets, wood smoke, cigarette smoke (my big sister used to smoke a long long time ago, and although I never saw her do it, I still associate the scent with her), pine resin, rain, that Mahogany Woods scent from Bath and Bodyworks.

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? 

If they introduce themselves as Pam I call them Pam. If they introduce themselves as Mr. Brown I call them Mr. Brown.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? 

 If “money is not a factor” means I have an infinite amount of money to spend as I wish, then: buy land, build film studio complex on land, found company, hire fellow creatives, make movies.

If “money is not a factor” just means that I don’t have to work 40 hours a week to afford rent, then: move to Chicago, rent a nice studio apartment, write stories, maybe work 15 hours a week at a used bookstore or coffee shop to get me out of the house and socialize. Go to museums, go to the park, walk along Lake Michigan, go to gay bars, ride the train, brave the Illinois winters, own a cat, paint, play guitar. Build my actual career on writing / storytelling. Probably also do some filmmaking.

Alternatively: buy an RV (not like an American Trailer Park shitty RV, I’m talking the NOICE ones), buy good film equipment, be a freelancer, live in RV driving around to wherever the next filming location is. Life is a road trip and I’m doing what I love. Writing, storytelling, filmmaking. My home would travel with me. Writing in cafes; roadside attractions; early mornings on the road with coffee in the cup holder as the sun comes up; being able to go anywhere to film; always experiencing something new.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? 

I’ve lived in a landlocked state my whole life, so I guess swimming pools. And, listen, I CANNOT get water in my mouth at the beach without wondering exactly how many kids have peed (or worse) in that water. (I know that’s a thing with pools too, but pools get cleaned.)

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? 

Wonder what some poor European is doing in America right now. But if it was $50, I’d probably yell “DID ANYONE DROP THIS?” and then take it if no one speaks up.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? 

A few times, yeah.

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? 

Grades are not the end-all-be-all. Skip some homework assignments to spend time with friends. Skip class sometimes. I’m serious. If you make school your top priority, even over your own personal life, you will come away with good grades and a lot of regret and missed opportunities. Learning is HELLA important, and very very little of it happens inside a school building. Get a 15 hour weekend or after-school job in high school, befriend your coworkers, and have fun with it. Use your paychecks however you want. Join a school club - one that you’re actually interested in. Do stupid shit. Light your textbooks on fire after graduation or go to the 24 hour Wendy’s at 2am with your friends or kiss that person you met at summer camp or sleep on the porch because it’s too hot to sleep inside. Be smart and safe, but follow your whims. If you let yourself fall into routine, apathy will poison you.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? 

I already have a couple small ones, but the one I want next is a four-leaf clover. Don’t know where. Maybe my right inner wrist or maybe an ankle. Or like behind my ear. Luck has saved me so many times. (See above, with how I happened to be living with family when COVID hit.)

40. What can you hear now? 

Swamp cooler downstairs, the clock ticking in my office, cars outside, people moving around the house. I’m surprised the neighbor kids aren’t shrieking their absolute heads off as per the usual. 

41. Where do you feel the safest? 

When I’m alone and unobserved. 

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? 

TMI warning, but I absolutely despise public bathrooms. How am I expected to pee when there’s somebody sitting like three (3) feet away, with only a partial wall between us, hearing everything that’s going on? My fight or flight response simply will not allow it. It’s too awkward and therefore Not Safe. Either that public restroom has to be empty except for me, or it has to be so loud and bustling that ain’t nobody hearing anything. Anything in-between and I’m in hell.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? 

The ‘80s. Let’s be honest, even that far back makes my life (as a woman, and as a gay person) hella difficult. But, consider this: it’s the ‘80s. Furthermore, consider this: a part-time job might have actually supported me and paid rent back then 😱 Holy fucking shit. Sign me up. I just wouldn’t want to go any further than than like 1980, because again: lesbian. Being a woman in the past = even harder than it is today, being gay in the past = even harder than it is today, being a gay woman in the past = oh no.

44. What is your most used emoji? 

In order of descending frequency:

😂🙄😊😁🤦🏼‍♀️👀😬🌈🤷🏼‍♀️😙

45. Describe yourself using one word. 

Creative

46. What do you regret the most?

Wasting my entire teenage experience. (See #38.) I did quite literally nothing with my life except homework for like 18 years. If I had taken even a tenth as much time for myself as I did for school, I would be so much farther along as a person today.

47. Last movie you saw? 

In the theaters? ........ uh. Shit, I don’t actually remember. It’s been like 5 months. (As it has for everyone.) But the last movie I watched was Lights Out, because I’ve been watching the director’s youtube channel. You could tell it was low-budget and that the director was still kind of finding his stride, but it had a lot of heart behind it and the creators clearly gave a fuck, which made it enjoyable. I am firmly in the camp of “not everything has to be a Magnum Opus or have a multi-billion dollar budget to be a good movie.” If I engaged with it and got some sort of emotional experience out of it, and if it had a good message, I consider it a good movie.

48. Last tv show you watched? 

I don’t usually watch a whole lot of TV shows (who has the time?) but I think the last thing I watched was either The Witcher or that new Unsolved Mysteries miniseries on Netflix. Oh and I was watching Dead to Me because I just love Linda Cardellini’s face and I want to wrap Judy up in a blanket and cuddle the shit out of her and protect her from all things 🥺 My precious beautiful unstable sweet murder baby.

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. 

Apapanic. It’s where you’re so stressed about things that half of your brain is panicking but the other half is so overwhelmed that it circled all the way back around to being calm to the point of apathy, so you just kind of sit there like

[deviant-reads-stuff]

Books I Read Throughout 2020-Part One

For many of us this year has been incredibly stressful and difficult. There were times throughout this year that my mental health had suffered, but there were also times where I couldn't have been happier. If I were to make any comparison to what the year was like, I would say that it was like the scariest and exciting roller coaster that anyone has ever been on. During the year, while the world seemed to burn around us and everything terrible happened, I managed to surpass my reading goal for the year. Something I did not expect to do, especially since I had months where it seemed that I couldn't finish anything. In times like this, I think it's important to take a step back and look to the positive things, even if they are small.

Here I am going to give a brief description of the first 10 books that I read, with a small snippet of what I thought of the books at the time.  

Book One - The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Finished Reading on January 4, 2020

"It is 1939. Nazi Germany. The country is holding its breath. Death has never been busier, and will be busier still.

By her brother's graveside, Liesel's life is changed when she picks up a single object, partially hidden in the snow. It is The Gravedigger's Handbook, left behind there by accident, and it is her first act of book thievery. So begins a love affair with books and words, as Liesel, with the help of her accordian-playing foster father, learns to read. Soon she is stealing books from Nazi book-burnings, the mayor's wife's library, wherever there are books to be found.

But these are dangerous times. When Liesel's foster family hides a Jew in their basement, Liesel's world is both opened up, and closed down.

In superbly crafted writing that burns with intensity, award-winning author Markus Zusak has given us one of the most enduring stories of our time."

For years I have heard good things about this book and for many, this is an all time favorite. I was excited to pick this one up, especially since I had read

I am the messenger

by this author and loved it.  While I do not view this book as an all time favorite for myself, I do think it was beautifully written. I just personally wished that it was a bit shorter at times as it seemed to drag on. Despite feeling that it was a little long, my favorite part of this book was the role in which Death plays. I won't mention anything more in case some of you are still contemplating picking this one up.

Book Two - All Systems Red (The Murderbot Diaries #1) By Martha Wells

Finished Reading on January 5, 2020

"In a corporate-dominated spacefaring future, planetary missions must be approved and supplied by the Company. Exploratory teams are accompanied by Company-supplied security androids, for their own safety.

But in a society where contracts are awarded to the lowest bidder, safety isn't a primary concern.

On a distant planet, a team of scientists are conducting surface tests, shadowed by their Company-supplied 'droid—a self-aware SecUnit that has hacked its own governor module, and refers to itself (though never out loud) as "Murderbot." Scornful of humans, all it really wants is to be left alone long enough to figure out who it is.

But when a neighboring mission goes dark, it's up to the scientists and their Murderbot to get to the truth."

This was a novella that I greatly enjoyed, but unfortunately I have not kept up with the series. I believe my library did not have the rest of the books and at the time I didn't want to purchase them. As my library continues to get the rest of the series, I will gladly continue to read them. I thought the story was unique, and at times funny. I would highly recommend this series to anyone who wants a science fiction book that is quick and easy read.

Book Three - Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them By Newt Scamander

Finished listening to an Audiobook on January 7,2020

"An approved textbook at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry since publication, Newt Scamander's masterpiece has entertained wizarding families through the generations. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is an indispensable introduction to the magical beasts of the Wizarding World. Scamander's years of travel and research have created a tome of unparalleled importance. Some of the beasts will be familiar to readers of the Harry Potter books - the Hippogriff, the Basilisk, the Hungarian Horntail ... Others will surprise even the most ardent amateur Magizoologist. This is an essential companion to the Harry Potter stories, and includes a new foreword from J.K. Rowling (writing as Newt Scamander) and six new beasts!"

I am not one who will usually listen to audio books. I have an incredibly difficult time listening to anything that is over 3 hours because it's hard for me to really concentrate on the storyline. On occasion, though I will listen to them, depending on the length of the title and if the general consensus is that the audiobook is better. Fantastic Beast was a great audio book to listen to when I took my daily walks. I was able to delve a bit deeper into the wizarding world and learn more about the creatures briefly mentioned in Harry Potter.

Now, I do want to briefly bring into attention that I will no longer purchase anything written by JK Rowling. I have always distanced myself from creators as I use books and music to escape, but it has come to my attention that JK Rowling has repeatedly done harm to the trans community. That's not something I agree with or can support in any way shape or form. For those who do continue to purchase and read JK Rowlings work, that is your choice and I will not say anything about it (unless it is actively causing harm here). This is my own personal choice and opinions on JK Rowling.  

Book Four - The Near Witch

Finished Reading on January 9, 2020f

"The Near Witch is only an old story told to frighten children.If the wind calls at night, you must not listen. The wind is lonely, and always looking for company.And there are no strangers in the town of Near.These are the truths that Lexi has heard all her life.

But when an actual stranger-a boy who seems to fade like smoke-appears outside her home on the moor at night, she knows that at least one of these sayings is no longer true.

The next night, the children of Near start disappearing from their beds, and the mysterious boy falls under suspicion. Still, he insists on helping Lexi search for them. Something tells her she can trust him.

As the hunt for the children intensifies, so does Lexi's need to know-about the witch that just might be more than a bedtime story, about the wind that seems to speak through the walls at night, and about the history of this nameless boy.

Part fairy tale, part love story, Victoria Schwab's debut novel is entirely original yet achingly familiar: a song you heard long ago, a whisper carried by the wind, and a dream you won't soon forget."

I am going to be perfectly honest. I will pick up everything that V.E Schwab writes eventually. Including this book, I have read 10 of her books and I have enjoyed every single one of them. The Near Witch is one of V.E Schwab's earlier works that had previously gone out print. Recently, the book has gone back into print and received a cover change. The story takes you to another world with superstitions, magic, and adventures. While it is apparent that this is an early work of V.E Schwab that does not mean that it's not a great book to pick up. This book brought me back to the type of books that I read when I was younger and it was an overall great experience.

Book Five - How's Moving Castle By Diana Wynne Jones

Finished Reading on January 12, 2020

"Sophie has the great misfortune of being the eldest of three daughters, destined to fail miserably should she ever leave home to seek her fate. But when she unwittingly attracts the ire of the Witch of the Waste, Sophie finds herself under a horrid spell that transforms her into an old lady. Her only chance at breaking it lies in the ever-moving castle in the hills: the Wizard Howl's castle.

To untangle the enchantment, Sophie must handle the heartless Howl, strike a bargain with a fire demon, and meet the Witch of the Waste head-on. Along the way, she discovers that there's far more to Howl—and herself—than first meets the eye."

Howl's Moving Castle is probably one of my favorite stories of all time. I first watched the animated film by Studio Ghibli. In all honesty, I have a hard time determining which version is my favorite. The movie and novel do have some differences, but I think both can be enjoyed. Howl's Moving Castle shows how the pressures placed upon us and how we view ourselves can have a negative impact on ourselves, but only if we let it. Sophie struggles with being eldest daughter, and struggles with seeing her worth, but as the story progresses, we see how resilient and strong she is.

Book Six - Bird Box By Josh Malerman

Finished Reading on January 21, 2020

"Something is out there, something terrifying that must not be seen. One glimpse of it, and a person is driven to deadly violence. No one knows what it is or where it came from.

Five years after it began, a handful of scattered survivors remains, including Malorie and her two young children. Living in an abandoned house near the river, she has dreamed of fleeing to a place where they might be safe. Now that the boy and girl are four, it's time to go, but the journey ahead will be terrifying: twenty miles downriver in a rowboat—blindfolded—with nothing to rely on but her wits and the children's trained ears. One wrong choice and they will die. Something is following them all the while, but is it man, animal, or monster?"

I had originally watched the Netflix movie before listening to the audio book. I was curious about the book as I noticed a lot of people was divided on whether or not the movie was better than the book. Although I thought the audio book was great, I definitely enjoyed the movie more. Normally this is never the case, but I thought the book was adapted well onto the screen. What are your thoughts on it? Was the movie better than the book?

Book Seven - Skyward By Brandon Sanderson

Finished Reading on January 25, 2020

"Defeated, crushed, and driven almost to extinction, the remnants of the human race are trapped on a planet that is constantly attacked by mysterious alien starfighters. Spensa, a teenage girl living among them, longs to be a pilot. When she discovers the wreckage of an ancient ship, she realizes this dream might be possible—assuming she can repair the ship, navigate flight school, and (perhaps most importantly) persuade the strange machine to help her. Because this ship, uniquely, appears to have a soul."

Skyward was the first Bandon Sanderson book that I've ever picked up, shocking I know. I was not disappointed at all. Skyward brought me out this world and I found myself rooting for the girl who fought for everything that she's ever had. If you haven't picked this ne up yet, what are you waiting for?

Book Eight - The Name of the Wind By Patrick Rothfuss

Finished Reading on January 30, 2020

"My name is Kvothe.I have stolen princesses back from sleeping barrow kings. I burned down the town of Trebon. I have spent the night with Felurian and left with both my sanity and my life. I was expelled from the University at a younger age than most people are allowed in. I tread paths by moonlight that others fear to speak of during day. I have talked to Gods, loved women, and written songs that make the minstrels weep. You may have heard of me.

So begins a tale unequaled in fantasy literature--the story of a hero told in his own voice. It is a tale of sorrow, a tale of survival, a tale of one man's search for meaning in his universe, and how that search, and the indomitable will that drove it, gave birth to a legend."

I first read this book in 2015 and picked it up again earlier in the year. I personally feel like I enjoyed the book more the second time around. It's a lengthy and often slow story of a man telling the story of his life. I have often described this book as having a similar ambiance to The Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter. Don't get me wrong though, this is a completely different story of those two series, but I couldn't help but draw a comparison.

Book Nine - Red, White, and Blue By Casey McQuiston

 Finished Reading on February 15, 2020

"First Son Alex Claremont-Diaz is the closest thing to a prince this side of the Atlantic. With his intrepid sister and the Veep’s genius granddaughter, they’re the White House Trio, a beautiful millennial marketing strategy for his mother, President Ellen Claremont. International socialite duties do have downsides—namely, when photos of a confrontation with his longtime nemesis Prince Henry at a royal wedding leak to the tabloids and threaten American/British relations.

The plan for damage control: staging a fake friendship between the First Son and the Prince. Alex is busy enough handling his mother’s bloodthirsty opponents and his own political ambitions without an uptight royal slowing him down. But beneath Henry’s Prince Charming veneer, there’s a soft-hearted eccentric with a dry sense of humor and more than one ghost haunting him.

As President Claremont kicks off her reelection bid, Alex finds himself hurtling into a secret relationship with Henry that could derail the campaign and upend two nations. And Henry throws everything into question for Alex, an impulsive, charming guy who thought he knew everything: What is worth the sacrifice? How do you do all the good you can do? And, most importantly, how will history remember you?"

I needed something lighter and easy to read after The Name of the Wind. Red, White, and  Blue did not disappoint, and I was whisked into the life of Alex Claremont-Diaz and Prince Henry. This LGBTQ+ book is full of entertainment, self-discovery, drama, and love.

Book Ten - Cress (The Lunar Chronicles, #3)

Finished Reading on February 17, 2020

"In this third book in the Lunar Chronicles, Cinder and Captain Thorne are fugitives on the run, now with Scarlet and Wolf in tow. Together, they're plotting to overthrow Queen Levana and her army.

Their best hope lies with Cress, a girl imprisoned on a satellite since childhood who's only ever had her netscreens as company. All that screen time has made Cress an excellent hacker. Unfortunately, she's just received orders from Levana to track down Cinder and her handsome accomplice.

When a daring rescue of Cress goes awry, the group is separated. Cress finally has her freedom, but it comes at a higher price. Meanwhile, Queen Levana will let nothing prevent her marriage to Emperor Kai. Cress, Scarlet, and Cinder may not have signed up to save the world, but they may be the only hope the world has."

The Lunar Chronicals is a guilty pleasure of mine. Each book in the series is a re-telling of famous fairy tales. Cress, the third book of the Lunar Chronicals, is a sci-fi/ fantasy re-telling of Rapunzel. While each book follows a different fairy tale, the whole series comes together and forms an epic story. As we follow a shy young girl, who spent her life locked away from everyone suddenly get swept into the resistance, we learn that hope is always possible even in hopeless situations.

[skywalkersapprentice]

mdzs novel review

Now that we’re in quarantine and I have an infinite amount of time on my hands, why not read a novel that’s 500k, right?

(Spoilers ahead.)

I totally fucked up my sleeping schedule by staying up for three nights in a row and sleeping four hours in the afternoon while reading it. worth it, though. Despite a few flaws that tripped me up close to the end, Mo Dao Zu Shi (The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation) was a gorgeous story. Kudos to the translators for giving it to us in English.

I’ll start off by saying that this story is not for the faint of heart. The main character has very grey morals. There is self-cannibalism, gore, period-typical homophobia, corpses come to life, mentions of rape, incest, sexual content, straight up dubcon and disturbing themes all the way through. If I’d seen this tagged as such on Ao3, I definitely would have left it alone. Despite all this, there’s also some truly wonderful characters, a plot unlike anything I’ve ever read before, subtle pining, fantastic worldbuilding, magical music, found families, and!! canonly lgbt characters that get to experience all of this things in the one hundred goddamn chapters it takes for them to get together.

The Good:

Wei Wuxian. One of the most interesting characters I’ve ever encountered. How can one be so good, so happy, so giving, yet so incredibly fucking annoying? He’s so clever, but also a moron. He’s selfless, but only in regards to things and people he cares about. He has an absolutely terrible memory (god me too) and knows how to get under everyone’s skin and has killed literal thousands of people and also. He is my son. If I knew him in real life I think he wouldn’t have survived long enough to become the Yiling Patriarch but in fiction he is wonderful.

The plot: Look. This novel is longer than the first four Harry Potter books combined. You can almost think of it as two books- one set in the past, one set sixteen years later. But although it’s the longest book I’ve ever read, it never really felt boring. It was definitely confusing at times (I’ve never had to take notes on a novel before to keep everything straight in my head) but I wasn’t bored. Things just keep happening- Wei Wuxian is back from the dead!! Now there’s a creepy hand!! Now there’s a statue that can move!! Now we’re in the past!! Now we’re back in the present and there’s a castle that eats people!! Now we’re in a ghost city and there’s some freaky stuff going down!! Time for the saddest flashback of all time, and now we’re starting to put the puzzle of this dismembered person together!! All of this is interspersed with worldbuilding and character dynamics and creating a full picture of the past and- whew. It was so hard to tear myself away to sleep or eat because I just wanted to know- what’s going to happen next? 

The love story: Hello, slowest of burns in the entire fucking world. I live for the enemies-to-friends-to-enemies-to-friends-to-what-are-we-to-lovers love story that this book gave me. Lan Wangji, you poor emotionally repressed disaster gay. Wei Wuxian, you blind oblivious moronic disaster bi. Somehow, they’re perfect for each other. I was really, really hesitant to read this book because I know it has roots in that specific straight-girl-writes-gay-men type of culture that is often terrible and fetishistic. There were definitely things that I disagreed with that that I’ll talk about later, but largely, stereotypes were avoided and I have to give the author credit for this relationship that managed to be so many things. I relate heavily to the type of person Lan Wangji is, and I adored watching him fall for Wei Wuxian, through Wei Wuxian’s eyes, without either of them really even realizing it. They’re the definition of what I like to call a “Red and Blue couple”- the opposites, the fire and ice, the calm and the wild, the dark and the light, the red and the blue, who complement one another so well despite being so different. They balanced each other out wonderfully. Don’t talk to me about the WangXian song or the fact that they have a child or I will start crying.

Lan Wangji: Though I love Wei Wuxian, annoying traits and all, Lan Wangji is who I heavily resonated with. He kind of reminds me of Else from Frozen?? Anyone else?? Like, his whole thing is basically “conceal don’t feel”, except what he’s concealing is the fact that he feels things so deeply. He just wants to help people, to be essentially perfect at what he does (scooby doo villian voice: and he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for wei wuxian) His character development from the past to present was lovely. I silently cheered for him whenever he broke the rules, or let the strict facade down for a bit. 

The side characters: Literally how are there so many characters in this book who are so fleshed out that they feel like real people? Xiao XingChen, Lan SiZhui, Wen Ning, Jin Ling, Jiang Cheng and Jiang LanYi all especially stood out to me, but even beyond them, everyone had a fully explained reason and motivation for like, everything they did. Even if I hated the villains, they weren’t needlessly evil. We love a grey story.

But there were some things I didn’t like.

The Bad

The R rated stuff: Well. This is probably the weirdest critique I’ve ever had to make about a book, and maybe some of it was partly due to translation, but... the sex was out of character. I thought the general dynamic made no sense for the two of them as people and it just.... wasn’t super well written? Thankfully I was warned beforehand that the Incense Burner chapters contained content I wasn’t prepared to read, but yikes, I felt like I was reading about two different characters the second clothes started coming off. I haven’t finished the bonus chapters for this reason. The second I read the word “rape”, I had to stop. Consent is a pretty hard line for me, and I can’t do a dubcon kink. Obviously the author can do whatever the hell she wants with her characters, but I felt like she threw away their personalities for the sake of trying to write something hot (which- it wasn’t.) This is why straight people have no rights and also why I will be pretending those scenes don’t exist. 

The Hatred Chapters: I do feel like all of the tension and action was sort of- let down at what was supposed to be the climactic showdown in the temple. It dragged on for so many chapters that I didn’t feel on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen next.That could also be due to translation. I’m not sure. Maybe I need to read the Hatred chapters again. But I did feel sort of let down in the final 20 chapters of this novel. It wasn’t enough to seriously impact how much I love the general concept, but it was disappointing.

Semi related but after 100 chapter build up, that confession could have been better. Again- maybe a translation thing.

The Nie MingJue backstory flashback: just- honestly wasn’t interesting to me. It was the only part of the novel that I really had to slog through. 

Lastly - this isn’t the novel’s fault, and I am certainly grateful to the translators for all of their work translating this gigantic novel, but there were some consistent grammatical issues surrounding the dialogue tags that bugged me. I’m not sure how it is in Chinese, but in English, writing “Wei WuXian, “Nothing.””  just- isn’t correct. At the very least, you need a verb like “said”. I usually read fast enough that my brain tends to insert the word even if it’s not there, but when reading slowly, this did frequently jar me out of the story. I’d be willing to edit the entire novel just to fix these errors. But it says a lot about how good this novel is that I continued reading despite errors like this because something like that in a fic would have me closing the tab immediately.

Alright, that’s all. 

Overall:

There are so many small things, little moments and lines that I loved about this story, it would take me days to list them all. The dialogue patterns from character to character were distinct. Things like the forehead ribbon were endlessly entertaining. Side plots like the A-Qing one had me in tears and I was laughing a few chapters late from drunk LWJ. The novel was just fun to read. There were errors, yes, there were disappointments, sure. But it made me feel so much. I’ve been through the entire range of human emotion while reading it, and it’s so rare to find a book that just yanks you into the universe like this one did to me. I really needed an escape this week, and this was absolutely a welcome one. If I go read it again, I’m sure I’ll find a hundred more things I like about it. Heed the warnings I’ve given, if you read it, but I absolutely adored most of this book and I’ll be thinking about it for a long time.

9/10.

[wiccamoody]

on fandoms, deppy, glee & my life changing through media

sometimes i think i must be silly or too obsessed or too attached when i think about how much dan and phil, and being in this community, have changed my life. 

people laugh when people talk about celebrities and fandoms changing their lives, and maybe one day they will be that realization that the celebrities and the fandom didn’t really change anything, that they were just a catalyst to the change you went through. maybe i’ll figure that out in 20 years or something, but right now the change is distinctly tied to these things, these people, these fandoms. 

i’ve been in fandom (and by fandom i mean internet fandom) for just over 10 years now. i remember being around 9 or 10 and wanting more from harry potter than just the books and just the 5 movies that were out and just the pc games we had. i did some googling and found fansites and forums and fanfiction and i was probably too young to be reading and looking at a lot of what i was looking at but i was sucked in and completely gone (and harry potter still remains the one constant fandom in my life. despite all the bullshit, it’s my one fandom for life, at least right now). i’ve been in many a fandom ever since this, and while i’d say harry potter and twilight (which i got into around the same time new moon came out) had the largest influence on me as formative fandoms, glee came into my life sometime in 2010 and that changed everything. 

i was 11 when i started watching glee. probably too young, but the awful jokes they made mostly flew over my head which is probably a good thing. glee was…my life. harry potter was too, and then twilight, but glee had this impact on me in such a different way than those two. harry potter was my escape in my childhood, something i could easily turn to, like a comfort blanket. twilight was my bridge into the young adult lit world, and into the emo, goth, monster loving phase i haven’t quite left yet. but glee…glee shaped my whole world for me. 

i recognize that this is quite problematic; the whole show is problematic. it complicated my relationship with myself, with others, how i valued my self worth, and ultimately in really formative years of my life (11-14 was my prime glee phase, also my prime puberty phase, and i started high school at 13) left a lasting impression that i carried with me. i wish i had been past those years when the show was airing, i wish i knew how to critically consume media but i was a literal child. 

it was great though. despite having to go through my late teens unlearning things, glee was so fucking great. fandom was great. fic was great, feeling seen was great. but now i’m just haunted by it and i love to hate it. and i know it changed my life. for the first time watching it i felt this…feeling of comfort, in an odd sense. glee was supposed to be (key words here: supposed to be) a show about the misfits, for the misfits, and comedic. it was all of those thing for me because i was a kid and i was lost and confused and stuck and i didn’t know how to critically consume media. i used to have episodes on to help me fall asleep. i spent all my birthday and christmas money on music and boxed sets. i read fic and i wrote some in my head because i was too chicken to post anything and i spent hours combing through twitter. it consumed me and i let it because it was a safe space for me. again, very problematic looking back, but it was that first space for me to feel comfortable. 

i grew up in a very accepting household, but my mum’s old school in that she relies heavily on “gaydar” and always said she would know if i were gay and she knew that i wasn’t. and mum’s always right, right? a few other things happened in my life tangentially to that, and i just never had the space to think about my sexuality as anything other than straight. i didn’t question…anything about myself because i was a walking conglomeration of self-hatred and glee character personalities, and my mum knows best, right? but i latched onto glee and what it was supposed to mean, and i latched onto klaine and everything it meant to me, and when i was constantly asked “why are your favourite characters always the gay ones?” i never had an answer besides i liked them and they’re just…my favourites, when deep down they resonated with me in a way i hadn’t experienced before so i kept them close to my heart. 

the glee got progressively shittier and my interest was waning and i turned to other things. my best friend got into these dan and phil guys some time in october 2014 and begged me for months and months to watch them until she sat me down in december 2014 and forced me to watch a dan video because “you’ll like it and you’re a lot like him!”. and i immediately felt both of those things. 

i fell so fucking hard for them. i spent my entire winter break that year watching everything with them in it that i could get my hands on, consistently watching the sunrise as vyou after vyou played and i scrolled endlessly on tumblr, taking in everything i could. 

i was so lost, 15 going on 16 and depressed without knowing it, feeling like everything was going to fall apart when i touched it, like my existence was the end of the world because i am also very dramatic. but watching them was (and still is, really) an escape. from reality, from my feelings, from everything. 

to make a long story short (because this is already so very long) despite everything happening in the phandom, i found so much solace in it. it was this space that fostered so much openness about sexuality and shit in our lives because a lot of people were my age. i was older and i knew how to critically consume media and i wanted to challenge the adults in my life so i took a lot of comfort in what this community was, and still is. 

i don’t know if i would know i’m a lesbian (which i still have trouble typing out; words have power and stigma, and this one has been used against me in many ways) at this point in my life, or earlier, or at all, if it weren’t for this space. there are a lot of things i wouldn’t have known about myself without this space, far too many to list. i don’t even know if i would have gone to get help again, to get an actual diagnosis instead of shrinking away from help because the first “professional” i reached out to told me my mental health was just a minor issue in my life, that just breathing and willing away the thoughts will help. i don’t know if i would be on the recovery journey i’m on right now if dan hadn’t made that video about his depression. the list goes on, in this personal sense. 

and i wouldn’t have the people i have in my life now if it weren’t for this community. if i hadn’t said fuck it and decided to write and post and then taken the leap to join a word war chat and get angry to the point of joining idb and ceasing my position as a lurker and have everything spiral into what it is now, i would probably still be who i was just under 2 years ago, and that person was so sad. the friends i’ve made in this community have truly enriched my life and i’m so happy to have them in my life and to be able to call them friends, more than i can say. 

there are so many things in my life that wouldn’t have happened without fandom. i could be here for hours and hours listing and explaining, but i’ll save anyone reading this far still. 

people still laugh when i talk about fandom, especially when i say it’s changed my life. people who don’t get it will never get it, and i’m trying to brush that off and unlearn the shame i’ve instilled in myself over the years because people are mean. i’m not sure why i typed all that out. it’s been on my mind, though, and i wanted to put it somewhere. media changes people. the media we consume is important, whether you’re a fan of the media or not. it’s important to society and important to individuals. fandom’s been there for me in too many ways to say, but i wanted to get some of that off my chest. i’m ~feeling things and i wanted to say something. even if no one reads this i’m happy to have gotten it out and sent it into the void. i’m obsessed, yes. silly for sure. but i’m not silly for knowing that things have changed my life, and to continue to say that they have. i still have a lot to unlearn in the way of shame, and i know owning it is part of that. so maybe my conclusion to this massive wall of text is this is me owning it right now, owning the thing that people like to laugh at. it’s a step in the right direction, at least.