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hsj-scenarios · 7 years ago

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Yuto as your son? I have this motherly love for him. PLEASE HELP MY THIRST FOR MY SON

I hope you enjoy this Nonnie-chan! I spent an extraordinary amount of time trying to ensure that i gave Yutti an authentic voice! I LOVE YOU! Thanks for trusting me with your prompt! So sorry for taking so long!!

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Title: SoarRelationship: Nakajima Yuto x Reader as his motherRating: PGWarnings: Mild LanguageGenre: Mother’s love, hurt/comfortType: Oneshot

Other: Crossposting from @hsj-scenarios requested fill

Summary: You saw greatness in your son from the moment he stole your heart–but you could not have imagined that with such greatness would come such painful growth.

Please note: I used a lot of interviews and articles to put together both the timeline and the feel for what I think Yuto would have been like through his tumultuous childhood. Still, I’m far from a Yuto expert and if any emotion I have portrayed here doesn’t feel authentic, I will ask that you give me grace!

ALSO PLEASE NOTE:

This is a quote from my story:

Johnny’s formed and dissolved groups like people changed their radio station. It was just done, a part of the process of putting together the exact formula of talent Johnny was so gifted at.

In the story, I skip most of the moving around, and based my timeline on the following quotes from Yuto’s 10,000 word interview where he says the following about JJExpress:

When I joined Jr., I was put into JJExpress and became the center of the group.

HS7 was formed in 2007. But before that, there were many rumors such as Yamachan will join JJE, Chinen moved to Tokyo and joined. I never thought this would be a group with 5 members, and still thinking “What’s going to happen with JJE?”, I’m relieved Daichan is also in the group, we’re good friends when I go in JE and we also act together in Engine, I Also a little guilty to Daichan who is older than me, but I became the center of the group, so I did my best to guide everything.

So, I do NOT move him around, like that he went to Tap, nor do I address all of the different places that the other members were floating during this time, despite that having happened, because it must have been a blink as his recollections of it was that he was still concerned about the fate of JJE during the time when HS7 was being formed!

Okay! Onto the story!! Sorry for being so crazy over details!!

The last few months, but in particular, the last few days had been mass chaos and you were doing your best to be the person you were supposed to be. You’d read articles and etiquette guides and plenty of people had counseled you on your responsibilities and how people would be watching you. There were so many social niceties, and exacting expected behavior from you, and you’d honestly felt like the world was spinning faster than you could make sense of.

You were home, having changed into your favorite fuzzy pajamas, your feet still aching from the stylish shoes you’d decided to wear to the rehearsal dinner you and your husband had hosted that evening. It was nice to meet so many people, and of course, you couldn’t help but enjoy yourself, the rehearsal was finished, and everyone was so excited there was an electric aura around everyone.

Why shouldn’t there be?

Yuto, your beloved son, was marrying his longtime girlfriend the next day and you knew in your heart of hearts that he would be so very happy. She was made for him, truly, she took such good care of him–knew him so well, and met all of his needs. Knew when to be forceful so as to get him to snap out of his dark, internal musings. Knew when to be soft and gentle to guide him to understandings. Knew when to laugh, and when to cry. She was amazing, and you couldn’t have asked for a better woman for your son. Not in a million years.

This would be the perfect day.

Well, that was, at least what you continued to tell yourself–and it wasn’t that you didn’t believe it–because you did. But now that you were shuffling through the house, the quiet peacefulness, now that the the glitter and soft candle light, the scent of roses and vanilla, the lovely glow around the intended couple…as those things faded, the stark reality of how much your world was going to change in a few hours became nearly overwhelming.

The house was quiet, and it would stay that way–apart from visits, apart from holidays and events like that, it would remain silent in a way it never was before. Yuto was a loud child. He tapped and drummed and inside these walls he was exuberant and excitable and his laughter, oh how the walls had echoed with it.

You laid in bed, turning away from your husband, because it hurt him to know how much you were hurting, trying to be as quiet as you could be while you wept. It wasn’t that you didn’t want Yuto to be happy, because, of course, you did…but could anyone possibly understand how you were feeling? You were so happy, elated in fact, and you wanted nothing more in all the world than for him to be happy–yes, but there was such a bittersweet layer deep underneath all of your smiles, all of your cheers, all of the support and encouragement that you couldn’t shake off.

You fell asleep, dreaming of the past.

“He’s perfect,” you whispered, looking up at your husband, who was leaning over your shoulder to look at the bundled-up newborn, smiling at you as he nodded, leaning over to kiss your forehead, then kissing his son’s as well, and you felt the pride radiating off of him as he looked at Yuto.

His son.

Our son.

My son.

That night after everyone had finally left you in peace, you’d picked that tiny boy up out of the bassinet, and you laid him on the hospital bed, your legs folded underneath him, and you carefully began to unwrap the tight swaddling.

He stirred, starting to fuss a bit but you shushed him softly, singing a soft tune to keep him distracted as you revealed each tiny miracle of him one bit at a time.

Marveling at his tiny fingers and toes, touching them, and watching his response. Seeing him move, and breathe, and wiggle when it tickled, and you were overwhelmed, quickly wrapping him back up and pulling him up to you, pressing your face into his, tears dripping down onto his cheek, and all you felt was love.

You never knew anything like this before, love so deep and pure. How could such a thing be possible that this tiny boy held part of you inside of him? More than that, how did he manage to steal your heart in mere moments?

You fluttered soft kisses around his soft, tender cheeks, smiling when he began to fuss and then took a deep breath to let out a tiny newborn squall, your body shook with the laughter of how precious it was–tears still wet on your cheeks–and you thought, you wondered, even then if that was what being a mother was–the strange combination of overwhelming happiness and joy, mixed with the knowledge right from the start that this was temporary.

He wasn’t yours to keep. You knew even then, holding this tiny boy who was completely dependent on you for every need he had. A blank slate, waiting to be filled with all of the lessons you would teach him. Years stretched out before but you knew, even then, that there was a time and a place somewhere marked on a calendar that meant your job was done.

Where you will have to trust that you’d done all you could to instill in him all of the qualities he would need to be a happy, successful, productive adult.

You admitted right from the start, your job wasn’t to keep him, to cage him or bind him, no, it was to grow him into a boy who would fly far and high.

Soar.

You decided there, on the very night of his birth–you would make sure that all the days you did get to keep him would be filled with every bit of happiness you could create, with every lesson you could impart, and if you made mistakes, and you knew you would, that the weight of those mistakes would be tempered by his understanding that nothing you would ever want for him was anything other than happiness, joy, and contentment in his life.

I love you, sweet son. You already have stolen my heart. I’ll love you the best I can.

“I swear, he’s going to do it! He is!”

You were so excited, sitting on the floor watching Yuto push himself up onto his knees, his precious tiny face scrunched up in concentration as he grunted, trying to make his legs and arms do what he wanted them to do.

Finally, as like so many times before, he was able to get up, lifting himself onto all fours, and he began to rock back and forth, his face smoothing because he liked that motion.

“I don’t know if he is or not,” your husband murmured absently, still looking at the newspaper he was reading, too absorbed to look up and see history unfolding–but you? You were bent on the fact that you were never going to miss a moment of this.

You glared at him for a moment, but then had to laugh, because this had been repeating for weeks now, and each time was the same, at least for you–the idea that there was just one moment–on single moment between Yuto trying, and doing. You smiled, watching Yuto rock back and forth for a moment before you whispered, “Yuyu.”

His head wobbled a bit, searching the room for your voice and then he lifted his head and he looked at you, a smile blossoming on his face that lit up the room and your heart.

“Hello, baby boy!” you cooed, and he smiled wider, rocking excitedly back and forth, a giggle bubbling up.

“Come see Momma!” You held your arms open wide, and you gasped when he lifted one small hand up off of the floor, trying to figure it out, trying to discover the secret to movement.

And then he pushed forward, his back leg kicking swiftly out and he tipped over, his face landing in the carpet, and he let out an ear-piercing scream. Not because he was hurt, no, because he was absolutely infuriated, positively indignant that he couldn’t do it. He rolled onto his back, his tiny face red and squished up as he let the anger melt away into frustration, and you moved, crawling over to him.

You leaned over top of him, and he was still crying, but his hand reached up and touched your cheek. You turned your face, kissing his palm softly over and over again and he laughed, a tiny, wet, bubbly laugh but you heard it, turning to look back down at him–moving to lift him up, cradling him in your arms as he took a deep breath, calming down.

“It’s okay, Yuyu–we’ll try again tomorrow!” You soothed him, and his hand rest on your cheek, his eyes wide and unblinking and you felt like he knew an undeniable truth, the words that were left unspoken.

I will always pick you up when you fall.

Yuto was terrified of starting school, shuffling his feet and clinging to your leg, his bottom lip quivering, eyes rimmed in tears, “Please, Momma, I don’t want to go.”

You squatted down, drawing him into your arms, “Yuto, this is not something that can be changed. You must go. It is good for you, and you want to grow up to be a smart, intelligent young man, don’t you?”

He nodded, sniffling and swiping the back of his hand across his eyes.

“Then you have to be brave!” You held his face in your hands, kissing his forehead softly, drawing back, “You are special, Yuyu, your future is before you but you have to take the first step.”

“What if they don’t like me?”

“Then you be kind and loving until they change their mind.”

He shuffled his feet, “But…what if I fail?”

“Then you will try again until you succeed.”

“What if I cry in front of them?”

“Then you will smile even brighter the next day.”

He stared at you, his eyes bouncing back and forth between your own, his hands moving up to hold your wrists, then one of them drew your hand down over his heart, holding it there in the way he had since he was an infant, his eyes wide and his voice so small you wanted to take him back home and hide him and never make him do anything that could potentially hurt him, “I’ll do it for you, Momma.”

Your breath shuddered as you tried to not cry, knowing that it would just agitate him more, nodding your head, “Yes, that’s good, you do it for me! And then later, when it feels right–you can do it for you!”

You tapped his nose with your finger and he laughed, and then you turned him around, facing the door of his classroom, your hand on his back, as you whispered in his ear, “You have to take the first step.”

And then he did.

It had been weeks since you’d sent the letter to Johnny’s Entertainment. You’d mentioned things here and there to Yuto, in an attempt to feel him out about how he might like it. He didn’t seem to have strong feelings about it either way, so you’d picked up an application, and then sent it off–attaching your favorite picture of him and all your hopes for him in that envelope.

You didn’t know why you felt deep inside that he was meant to be more than just average. You knew though, that he certainly was capable of doing so many great things! You saw it in him already, a seed of greatness. A light of something extraordinary, different than what other boys had. You were positive everyone would tell you that you were simply biased, and that you didn’t have a clear view of your son. It did occur to you now and again perhaps you weren’t completely neutral, but honestly, how could you be?

He really was exceptional. You knew it wasn’t just in your head. He could be a Johnny’s.

I just know it.

As time stretched out you began to wonder if you’d been wrong. It hurt you on a deep level, if they rejected Yuto, even without him knowing, isn’t that the same as rejecting you in a way?

You’d pulled the stack of mail in, shifting through it, your heart dropping to the floor when you saw the return address from Johnny’s. You looked around, a strange level of paranoia kicking in at the idea that someone might know what you’d done secretly.

Of course, you were home alone, “Calm down, calm down, goodness!” You pressed your hand into your chest trying to soothe your racing heart, holding the envelope out in your trembling hand.

What if it was a rejection? Could you take it? Would you be able to know that they had not seen in your son what you did?

There was a part of you, a pretty big part of you that wanted to just toss it in the garbage can. After all, Yuto hadn’t actually said he wanted to join and you’d done it without telling him. Nothing had to change, and you could still protect your heart from the feeling of someone looking at your son and finding him lacking.

You weren’t sure you could handle that without storming into Johnny’s offices and having a ‘now listen here’ kind of moment with them all.

You really are going to have to calm down.

You reached to open the envelope, sliding your fingers along the seam, laying the empty part down and then carefully opening the page.

Dear Mrs. Nakajima,

Thank you for the submission of your son’s application and image for consideration of a position within the Johnny’s family. We are pleased to tell you that your son has been scheduled for a group audition.

The information on the time and location are enclosed. He will need to wear clothing that is loose enough to dance in and should have a song prepared to sing.

Thank you for your support of our company and for giving us the opportunity to get to know your son better.

Sincerely,

Johnny’s Entertainment

Your eyes sped through the words again, reading it and then rereading it. Making sure you’d read it correctly, making sure that you weren’t just seeing what you wanted to see.

The paper fell to the floor as you leaned over on the counter, hands on your face, as you cried.

They saw it.

They saw what you saw.

“What are we doing, Mom?” Yuto asked as you drove him closer and closer to his destiny. You didn’t want him nervous so you’d not told him anything about it, thinking it would be better for him to be unaware, but you supposed now was the time to perhaps bring him in on the secret.

“Yuto, do you remember me asking about if you’d like to become a Johnny’s Junior?”

He looked at you from the passenger seat, his head tilted, “Sure.”

“We’re going to an audition for Johnny’s,” quick like ripping off a band-aid.

You weren’t completely sure what kind of response you were expecting to be honest, but the one you received really wasn’t it.

“Alright,” he said firmly, looking out the window.

You tried to get a feel for what he was actually thinking, always such a quiet, introspective child, worried you had to ask, “You’re not upset with me or anything? We don’t have to do this.”

He turned to look at you, and you saw the determination in his eyes, the path was set before him and he’d already made up his mind that he would try and do his best.

“I’m not upset, and I am glad to do it, thank you for making this happen,” he nodded at you and then looked back out the window.

At the audition–you knew, you became fully aware, they did see what you saw in him. That extra spark. That little bit of something that stood out.

He was a Johnny.

Each day, from the day Yuto had been accepted into Johnny’s became a blur. He was so busy, and to you it seemed that he was handling all of the challenges of balancing his new responsibilities at Johnny’s with his school work. You helped him as much as you could.

Packed him good, healthy lunches with lots of protein since you knew the workouts while learning the dance moves was exhausting on his young, growing muscles. You would rub ointment into his aching arms and legs at bedtime, and his eyes would blink slowly, so tired, so exhausted.

Yet, he loved it. You could tell, and when he was open enough to reveal the truth, he would tell you stories that made you know, made you feel sure you’d done the right thing the day you mailed that application.

You watched him growing in confidence, in assurance of his abilities, and while it was certainly challenging, he never complained, and never asked to quit.

You were slicing vegetables for dinner when Yuto flew in the door, his voice high and fast, “You aren’t going to believe what happened! You are not going to believe it! Just ask me! Ask me what happened, go on ask!”

You wiped your hands off on a dish towel, turning to respond when he was right there next to you and you nearly bumped into him, his eyes wide and excited as he looked up at you, “MOM! GUESS!”

You laughed, because he was too cute for words, and you reached down, cupping his face in your hands, and bestowing a quick kiss on his forehead before leaning down, nearly touching his nose, “It is impossible for me to ask anything when you are speaking so quickly and loudly, Yuyu-chan.”

You smiled as the wave of annoyance crossed his features, huffing loudly, “Please ask now.”

“Yuto, what happened?”

“I am in a group! I’ve been placed in a real group! I am! It’s called JJExpress and guess what! Guess what!”

You were tempted to tease him more, but just couldn’t do it as you saw how earnest he was, “What dear?”

“They put me in the center!”

Your breath caught, your hands tightening on his cheeks, and if he noticed he didn’t respond, just continuing to talk excitedly but you couldn’t stop the wave of feelings washing through you.

The center.

It was certainly a testament to the fact that they saw what you saw–but…the center? There’s so much pressure there. It’s a very hard place to be. You have to be good with people. You have to be flexible. You have to be strong in a way that’s different than what people saw as normal strength. You became the person accountable–you became the face of the success or failures of the group.

Yuto could be those things, at least some of the time, but he was a very complex child. It wasn’t wrong to think that he could grow, that just maybe for this goal, he would become those things, but it was terrifying to consider how far from your thoughts for him this position was.

He was so quiet, so internalized, and he didn’t always understand other children, which resulted in many disagreements, and tension that most of the time Yuto didn’t even realize. He was always thinking ahead, his mind worked so fast, and because of that, he didn’t always appreciate the nature of children and the way an average mind worked, being a studious, serious child as he was.

You were concerned, and you kn–

“Momma! Did you hear what I said?”

“I’m sorry,” you murmured, releasing his cheeks, “Please tell me again, just the last part.”

“I get to be in a video! A real video! It’s for TOKIO and I get to dance in it!”

“That’s wonderful, sweetheart! I’m so proud of you, you will certainly do your best!”

“I will!”

He hugged you quickly around your waist and flurried off to do his school work. You watched him go, a gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach, because there was something there, something that was troubling you, but you just couldn’t put your finger on it.

Stop being a worrisome mother!

You shook your head, admonishing yourself. Johnny knew about talent and boys and abilities and futures–you weren’t qualified to make those decisions, he was, and if he thought Yuto was center material, then he could not be wrong.

Right?

You sat the apple slices and tea down on the desk where Yuto was working diligently on his studies. You couldn’t stop yourself, reaching over to tousle his hair, causing him to stop and glare up at you for a moment before he smiled, tilting his head.

“Thanks for the snack, Mom!”

“No matter what happens, Yuyu, promise to do your very best.”

“Of course, I will always do my best, Mom.” He looked at you like it was a strange thing to say, but didn’t pursue it.

“Then your best will certainly be a gift to others.”

He smiled broadly, nodding his head and then turning back to his work. You hovered there for a moment, a feeling swelling up that made you want to grab him into your arms and shelter him. Hold him. Protect him.

From what you didn’t know, and you hoped with all your heart you were wrong.

“We’re home!” Yuto called out, the door slamming shut as he and Ryosuke walked in from school. The two of them had become fast friends, and you were thankful, as Ryosuke was fun and laughed a lot and that brought Yuto out of his internal dialogue, made him engage in the world around him, and because of that, Yuto had become more light-hearted. You’d hoped that it would also teach him patience and understanding as well toward others.

“Welcome home, Yuto! Hello, Ryosuke,” you smiled as they sat their bags down by the door, “How was your day?”

“Fine,” Yuto called out, a tone to his voice you didn’t recognize, kissing your cheek quickly as he passed by heading to the kitchen to no doubt get a snack. They’d had rehearsals immediately after school today and you were sure that they were famished.

Your eyes moved over to look at Ryosuke who was still standing by the door, looking very small and out of place.

“Are you okay, Ryosuke?”

“I am very well, thank you, Mrs. Nakajima!” He bowed quickly, as if snapped out of a daydream, and then moved quickly to where Yuto was calling him from the kitchen.

Ryosuke was always a polite young man, and you felt like he was a very positive influence on Yuto. There was an edge to their friendship, not something you could name or describe, but you saw it none the less. Still, it wasn’t something you found particularly alarming. In the theory that iron sharpens iron, you felt that it was a good thing for your son. He needed someone to push at him and pull him around sometimes. It was good for him to be stretched.

You were walking past the kitchen, inadvertently overhearing the conversation taking place, your brows drawn down as you listened.

“I know how to do my job, Yamada,” Yuto’s tone was sharp, slicing through the air, “As someone who hasn’t even held a microphone, let alone danced beyond the forth row, you should really try to learn by watching others instead of giving unnecessary advice.”

“That wasn’t, I mean, that’s not what I meant, I jus–”

“I know what you meant,” Yuto cut him off, his voice terse and snippy, and you pressed against the wall, your hand on your heart, holding your breath, “I don’t need you to tell me how to do what I do. I’m the center of my gro–”

You couldn’t let this go on, stepping into the doorway, Yuto’s eyes snapped to yours but you just walked past him, acting like you’d come in to get a drink. The boys stood in awkward silence, and then Ryosuke’s voice was soft, “I will be heading home now, thank you for the snack, Mrs. Nakajima.”

“You’re welcome, Ryo–” You’d turned around to give the boy a smile, but he was already gone.

You frowned, and then looked at Yuto who had his eyes cast to the floor, “Tch, Yuto, this is not who you are.”

His eyes stayed focused on the space between you, “No person can be successful without the help of others. The manager of a company cannot effectively run the vast empire of his holdings without the help of all of those who work under him.”

You could tell he was embarrassed by what you’d heard. Embarrassed, but you didn’t sense he was ashamed, “Yuto, look at me, please.”

His eyes raised and as you looked into them, you saw it, the fear, the tiny spark that had set his words aflame.

“Oh, Yuto,” you shifted, moving to hug him gently, “Sometimes we learn the most from those who are looking at the place we are standing from a different point of view.”

He was still, and you wondered if he understood what you’d said, he pushed away from you, to turn to leave the room, his voice soft, “I’ll apologize to him.”

You watched him walk out of the room, your heart surely troubled as you tried to think of what you should do, could do, to help him.

I’ll just continue to support him. That’s the best I can do for now.

Your fears and anxieties began to lessen as time went on. JJExpress was moderately successful despite not being debuted, and Yuto had settled into a routine that seemed to be working for him. You didn’t feel the heavy weight as you watched him grow, as he seemed to be maturing, he seemed to be finding his feet under himself.

You sat the bowl of strawberries down on the desk, ruffling his thick hair, he’d been styling it differently for a television show he was appearing in. It was hard to believe how fast things were happening. Most of the time he seemed to be enjoying himself, he laughed and goofed off, but still…he’d begun suffering stomach pains, and you had no small amount of concern that maybe this was all too much for him. Maybe you shouldn’t have sent the application in?

You knew it was far too late for that–he’d decided this is what he wanted, without hesitation–and on his good days, you saw that he was truly thankful and happy. On his bad days though? You were plagued with doubts and concerns.

One of the biggest worries was that he was always alone. He and Ryosuke were still friendly, if not exactly friends, and you knew that despite the unspoken rivalry between the two, they truly did have a deep abiding care for one another–though everything about their relationship seemed to hang by a tiny thread most of the time. You sensed in Ryosuke someone who could be loyal, supportive, and a truly good friend for Yuto. You wanted that so much for him, and for Ryosuke, too–because you knew how good a friend that Yuto would be as well. Together, they would form a bond that would be unshakable–and they would take the world together–because you sincerely believed if they were aligned they would be unstoppable.

You couldn’t get much information from him about what was happening at school and work these days, and you didn’t have any real desire to be one of those moms who went digging for information–but the nagging in the back of your head wouldn’t go away. The two of you had always been very close, and there was a time he shared all of his thoughts with you, now, it was different, when you would ask he would just shake you off.

“So…when will you be having Ryosuke over again? It’s been quite some time since he’s been around.”

The pencil stopped moving, but he didn’t look up, he just kept his head in the same position, and you wanted to wring your hands together but felt frozen, “Did something happen between you and Ryosuke?”

“No.”

“It would be nice to have him over, I think that you two wou–”

“Mom,” he interrupted you, turning his gaze upon you, “He has his own life and responsibilities. They gave him a mic this year, he just finished shooting a drama–he’s doing just fine, there’s rumors everywhere about him, okay?”

His voice was a hiss when he said the last line, and you wondered if the rumors were something that would effect Yuto personally. You didn’t get to ask, as Yuto took a deep breath, his voice calm, measured, “He’s doing great, and he spends most of his time with Yuri. I’m too busy and I don’t need to be bothered with all of the stresses and friction that comes from spending too much time with my co-workers.”

“Co-workers?” The word sounded wrong coming out of your mouth, mulling it over and realizing he didn’t call them ‘friends’, and you knew that Yuto knew what you were thinking, his eyes narrowing, his jaw working in the way you knew he did when he was agitated.

“Co-workers.”

The word was firm.

Absolute.

He turned back around and started writing again, dismissing you entirely, but you couldn’t just let this go so easily, your hand rest on his shoulder and he stiffened, you tried to say the words so that he would understand, not just hear them, “Yuyu, hard work is truly noble and righteous, we have raised you to always do your best, of course. At the same time, it’s important to remember what you are working so hard for doesn’t reside within the notes of song, the reels of film, or the walls of a concert hall. We work hard for what we carry in our hearts. It is good and right to have people in your life that you trust, care deeply for, and share yourself fully with.”

He made a short noise, turning to look back up at you again, his eyes wide and clear in his determination, “I understand. Thank you, Mom, but I am working toward what is in my heart. To do my best.”

You heard the words he really meant float through your mind, ‘To be the best.’

He reached up to put his hand on top of your hand, squeezing it gently, “I have all of those things right here, you are the one I trust, and that’s enough for now, isn’t it?”

You weren’t sure, you didn’t know, and despite his words making your heart soar you felt unease as well, because being alone wasn’t good, and you weren’t the kind of friend you meant. His expression was so soft, and you stepped into him, hugging his head into your chest, holding him for a moment, squeezing too tight and laughing when he started struggling, fussing for you to let him go.

“Very well,” you smiled, fixing his hair, “I’ll give you time, but Yuto, I am not satisfied with you being alone. If not Ryosuke, then please, for me, try to create a bond between another?”

He studied you for a moment, and you knew that on some level or another that the words had hit the right place within him as his expression softened, and he shook his head, grinning, pulling your hand to his chest, “You shouldn’t say ‘for me’ like that, I know you know how hard it makes things for me.”

“I only say it when I really mean what I am trying to teach you,” you responded honestly, he was old enough to understand, the dynamics between you slowly shifting from that of teacher to counselor.

“Then…” he nodded, releasing the hand he’d been holding, “I will consider it, for you.”

You smiled, kissing him quickly on the forehead,”That’s fine, then later, when it feels right–you can do it for you,” then gestured to the strawberries, as you turned away, “They’re your favorite, I sugared them to be just as sweet as you are!”

You were almost out the door when his voice called out, small and childlike, “Thank you, Momma.”

And you knew he was not just talking about the strawberries, “Of course, Yuyu, I’ll always take care of you.”

Yuto was sitting at the counter, eating his snack, and you were busy tidying up from making his sandwich. He was watching you closely, and you felt like there was something he needed to say but he was hesitant. If nothing else ever bothered you about him in this growing up stage of life–this certainly did! He measured his thoughts, put them through a fine-knit sieve, and what you heard always felt like a small part of a much larger expression.

“They’re making another group–they’re placing me in it,” he muttered, his voice not giving away how he felt about this, and at first you thought he meant there was going to be a new new group, confused about why this felt like a very important statement–Johnny’s formed and dissolved groups like people changed their radio station. It was just done, a part of the process of putting together the exact formula of talent Johnny was so gifted at.

“Only two of us are moving from JJExpress.”

You froze, eyes wide, and he didn’t break your gaze, “W-what?”

“No one else is being moved, except for me and Daiki,” and you saw it, you didn’t hear it, no, his voice gave nothing away but you could see it in his eyes, the fear, the thing that plagued him brought to life from these words. Your heart beating wildly in your chest, and you wanted to grab him and pull him to you and protect him from whatever had put this fear into him.

“What happens to Express?”

“No one knows,” he shook his head, frowning, “There’s speculation, of course, but nothing has been confirmed, all I know is that for now we’ll be part of the new group, Hey Say 7.”

“I see.”

You knew how you responded to this news would either fuel Yuto’s distaste for this change, or give him hope of a positive outcome, but it was hard, because you didn’t fully understand what was happening either–pushing that away you spoke with a smile, “This will be a good thing right!? Perhaps, you will find this to be a bigger step toward debut?”

Yuto scoffed, and then his eyes narrowed, “It’s not just Express being shaken up, they are adding three other people.”

“Do you know any of them?”

Your heart sank, as his expression changed, because you could see it, you knew it before the words left his lips, and then you understood the fear you saw, you knew what he was thinking, and you searched your heart for the words to help him.

“Ryosuke. And Yuri, too.”

Damn, damn, damn, damn!

Yuto never had to say out loud the rivalry he felt with Ryosuke, they got along, it wasn’t some public display, not at all. You were perceptive enough though, had been in the room with the two of them often enough to see it first hand, in fact, you felt certain that everyone could see it from a mile away.

What are they thinking putting them in a group together!?

You took a deep breath, digging deep for the words that would both console and encourage Yuto, falling back on a lesson you’d been teaching him since he was very small, “No matter what happens, Yuyu, promise to do your very best.”

He studied your expression, his jaw tensed and then he smiled, the big, beautiful smile that you loved with all your heart, “Of course, I will always do my best, Mom.”

“Then, no matter what the future holds, your best will certainly be a gift to others.”

Spring passed in a flurry of CD recordings, video shootings and appearances. It seemed to you that despite the new group being formed, nothing had really changed, Yuto was still center, and the other boys were backing him.

They were exceptionally talented. You’d been shocked when you’d realized how well they’d done, their voices fit together, the unique aspects of their physical appearances complemented one another–and once again you were amazed at how Johnny could see things no one else could see.

Yuto seemed to be handling the increase in activities in stride, though the stomach issues that had plagued him seemed to increase, and you’d taken him into the doctor who had given him medicine, thinking perhaps he had an ulcer.

An ulcer, at such a young age?

You’d never heard of such a thing, but the doctor felt sure and as it would turn out, Yuto did seem to respond well to the treatment, and once again, you wrestled with the thought that perhaps you’d made a mistake when you’d sent that application in. Would Yuto have been happier having a normal childhood? Would he have struggled with these many worries and concerns he did now? Such heavy weight on such young shoulders.

Your mind drifted back to a conversation you’d had with him recently, a moment in time where he was candid and lively, and you’d asked him about what he thought about this after all this time, and had said to you, in a clear voice, full of conviction, “I am doing what I love–there was no better path for me than this. All I want now is to debut.”

Yuto is strong, he is capable, he wants to do this–I need to continue to be his support and shelter.

You stood with your back against your closed bedroom door. Arriving home from the arena, rushing to be alone for a moment to gather your thoughts because you knew it wouldn’t be very long before Yuto arrived home, and you had to have your thoughts clear by then.

Your mind was swirling, everything bouncing around, because what had happened was not something you’d imagined.

Not ever.

Yuto had spent the last week sleeping at the dorms with the other boys as they prepared for their performance in the Junior Show. You often felt out of the loop about his projects and events, but this was a far greater disconnect than normal.

He’d sent along a ticket for you knowing that his father would not be able to attend, so of course, you’d attended. As you were waiting for the concert to start, it was always interesting to hear the buzz around you of excited fans and happy trills from fans of all of the Juniors.

Today, the tone was different though. Everyone was whispering and there was a hushed undertone filled with uncertainty…something you couldn’t put your finger on and didn’t dare ask. You knew there was some tension–Johnny’s had never had so many groups prepared for debut at the same time.

Each of the groups had many fans, and they were all quite talented, and the arena was alive with the tension between all of the fans who hoped that their favorite would finally reach the success of debut.

When the first notes of the song Yuto had been practicing for a few weeks rang you, you couldn’t stay in your seat, standing up with the other fans, excited to see him as always.

Nothing could have prepared you for when those colorful drapes fell.

Nothing.

You gasped, taking in the group of ten boys…you recognized many of them, and you could hear the loud chaotic murmuring among the fans. A girl three seats down from you burst into tears, the depth of her cries reaching you from the distance. This was quickly followed by other girls, some sitting down in their seats, heads in their hands, as they wept.

Because you saw it, Yabu Kota and Yaotome Hikaru–the two boys who primarily made up one of the Junior groups rumored to potentially be debuting today–Ya-Ya-yah–they were on stage, along with all five members of Yuto’s group, Hey Say 7. There were a few other boys you weren’t completely familiar with, but you didn’t need to wonder–this was a debut.

This was the secret Johnny’s had kept under wraps.

You were thrilled, of course you were–

This is Yuyu’s debut! He is really there! This is happening! This was his dream!

Even as the excited words rushed over your mind, you were instantly plagued with what this would mean for these boys as you watched them. You knew for a fact that Yuri hadn’t even turned fourteen yet. These boys, they were so young, just a bunch of babies really, they hadn’t had the time to gain the kind of experience that the other groups had.

In fact, you shuddered to think of how the older, more experienced groups who were bypassed to give these boys the fast track to debut were going to feel about this? You’d even realized, with a heavy heart, that some of those boys were actually back dancing for these ten boys, something that could not possibly set well with anyone, not the boys in the spotlight, nor the other performers behind them.

There were fans who were excited, so there was a happy energy there, but mixed in that emotion, were the fans who were devastated.

Fans who realized this was the death knoll for their beloved Ya-Ya-yah, upset with the two members being put into such a large group where they would have to fight for the spotlight. Fans who realized that Yuto and Kei were on stage with this group and not their own group, JJExpress, meaning the other three members were not included in the debut.

Fears gripped the collective fandom about what this meant for their current favorite groups. Others were inconsolable because their favorites, the older, more experienced performers weren’t given the debut–confused and angry that their group had been passed over for this unexpected one.

They’re just so young.

So inexperienced.

Now, because of the way this had happened, they’d start out with so many obstacles in the way, having to win over the fans from the two former groups, having to settle the nerves and feelings of all of the fans of the groups, and the members of those groups who’d been passed over.

They would be going through all of their growing pains right there in the spotlight, right there in front of the cameras and fans, because they weren’t prepared for this. They just weren’t.

And your heart was terrified for Yuto–because he had already struggled trying to balance his center role with five members–and now it had doubled, adding to the group two of the more revered older Juniors, and it made you shake wondering how he would deal with this, how he was dealing with it.

You heard the door open and close, but he didn’t call out for you, so you turned, taking a deep breath and moving into the living room. He was still standing in the entryway, having dropped his bags, and his head was downcast. You stepped forward and he lifted his head, his face instantly crumpling, and then rushed across the room toward you.

You felt the energy rolling off of him before he’d reached you, your arms opening and grabbing him to you as he collapsed, a deep mournful sob breaking the air around you, and you held him as he cried, as he finally let the pent-up emotions he’d been concealing see the light of day.

And as you held him, giving him the freedom to lean on you, one thought rushed through your mind over and over and over again, getting louder and louder.

Johnny, what have you done?

Yuto had somehow found the strength within himself to carry on, despite the heavy weight he was feeling toward the entire situation. They’d actually performed their official debut concert at Tokyo Dome which made them the youngest performers to ever play there.

They’d done well, and you’d been so proud of them. You’d started to consider that maybe everything was going to work out after all. Perhaps you’d been a little too worried, a little too paranoid. A nice routine had settled, and Yuto seemed to be taking all of the activities and work in stride, more confident than you’d seen him before.

He was trying hard to get along with the boys, trying to be less severe, less troublesome, to be less serious, but it was an ongoing challenge for him. It wasn’t that he didn’t have a sense of humor, or didn’t know how to have fun…it was just that he was bent on success, taking everything seriously, and would become easily annoyed when others goofed off and he considered it a time to be attentive. You were proud of his efforts though, at least he was doing what he could, you considered that the rest might come with maturity.

You knew, even without him telling you that he carried a great deal of weight and stress on his shoulders. How couldn’t he in reality? Every few weeks he would sit with you in front of the television, and you’d turn on some random program, pop some popcorn, and you’d talk, and laugh and be stupid or serious or silly.

“You know–Yuto, you were born with excess energy, charisma and charm–you have an extreme abundance of it,” you mentioned one night, musing as you ruffled his hair, “You should smile more. Since you were small, you were a very serious boy, often having a frown on your face–but my goodness, when you open up and share yourself, you dazzle the world with your smile–you make others smile because your enthusiasm is positively contagious.”

He’d thrown a piece of popcorn at you for embarrassing him, grabbing the remote to turn the TV up louder in a silent protest to what he’d come to call ‘Mom-mode Overload’.

Sometimes he said things that clued you into his true feelings–other times were just light-hearted and fun and nothing new was revealed.

Either way, you sensed that Yuto walked away a little less consumed with the heaviness of his burdens, and that, after all, was what you were there for.

You wanted to believe that he was okay, that things were going to work out–that you were just an overprotective mother.

You wanted to believe it–but your mother’s intuition–it never rest, it never settled down, it hadn’t for quite some time, and to you it felt like you were always one breath away from impending doom. You never let on with Yuto, you smiled, and encouraged him, and held him, and loved him right where he was.

But inside? In the innermost part of your soul?

You felt the storm coming.

Yuto burst through the door, slamming it so hard you feared he was going to knock it off the hinges.

“Yuto–what in the world are yo–” your words faded off as you took in his disposition, his face red, his eyes rimmed with tears, and he stomped past you to go into his room, slamming the door violently.

You walked to the door, knocking on it, your hand reaching for the knob, when a thunderous sound came from within. Crashing and breaking and screaming, and you tried to open the door but he’d locked it. His screams were filled with desperation, and now you were, rushing through the house trying to find something to pick the lock with.

It sounded like he was going to bring the house down on you, and you began to murmur, “Please, please, please,” over and over again as you searched, realizing you had a hairpin that would work, rushing to his door, and then your heart sinking when you realized it had gone silent.

Panic swelled up in you, your hands shaking violently as you put the pin into the lock trying to open it.

Damn it. Calm down!

Relief washed over you as you felt it slide and you turned the knob, opening the door, rushing into the room. It looked like a bomb went off.

Maybe it did after all of this time.

Yuto’s bookcase had been knocked over, everything spilled into the floor, the contents off the top of his dresser were thrown all over the room, broken glass and debris littering the floor, and there in the middle of the chaos, among the ruins, was Yuto, his body curled into a ball, shaking and crying.

You rushed to him, glad that there was no glass where he was, as you knelt on the floor to lean over him, “Yuto! Yuyu! What has happened, please, what’s happened?”

You reached out to console him and the moment your fingers touched his skin, he bolted up, a deep, mournful wail filling the air as he scrambled into your arms, his shuddering breaths, the broken sobs, and his whispered words each piercing your heart in equal measure.

“They–they…R-R-Ryosuke, Mo-omma, they ma-made h-hi…. I d-do-on’t under-s-st-stand what-t I did wr-rong, Mo-m-mma!”

You couldn’t make sense of his words, but the fact that he’d said Ryosuke’s name caused a deep, terrible fear to grip your heart to swell up instantly.

“Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out, okay, Yuyu, please, whatever has happened, we’ll figure it out.”

“We c-can’t,” he sobbed as the words forced from his throat, broken, between gasps, “Th-they re-rep-plac-ced me. I-I-I’m n-not th-the c-cent-ter n-now–h-h-he i-is-s!”

You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t take a breath–it felt like all the air in the room had been sucked out and your head was spinning.

Please, no, please, please, no!

You felt the tears wet on your face before you’d realized you were crying, holding him there in your arms as he sobbed, and you couldn’t stop it as you curled around him, your heart breaking into a million pieces as you listened to the depth of his pain be revealed through his mourning.

You didn’t know how long you’d sat there, crying together, and you didn’t know when it’d stopped, when you both had run out of tears and energy and words.

His hand was gripped onto your shirt, his fist had been holding it for hours now, and he slowly released it, grabbing your hand and pulling it into his chest, to his heart, just like he always did, and you wanted to kill someone for what they’d done to your son. You wanted to go over to Johnny’s and bring a day of reckoning to all of them!

Starting with Yuto’s manager, who must have known about these changes but didn’t bother to forewarn you or Yuto! He let him find this out at the same time as the other members, right there in front of a crowd as they moved him out of the center position and shifted Ryosuke into it.

Yuto had said that Ryosuke had argued over the change with the staff, which you found endearing, because it wasn’t his fault that Johnny’s had screwed everything up from the start. Ryosuke had spoken up, spoken out of turn, questioning the director, telling him that there was a mistake when they’d moved him into the center position, but the man had turned the paper around, pointing to the diagram that they’d been given from Johnny’s and asked, “You are Yamada, correct?”

“Yes.”

“There’s no mistake.”

The group had been forced to spend the entire day working and filming after this upheaval, pretending to be okay, acting normal for everyone around them, because they knew they were being filmed for the documentary, but you knew, you knew, that despite what the film might show, those were ten completely and utterly broken boys.

You knew there was no way they didn’t all feel the power of this change to the depths of their souls. It would be impossible.

“I’m sorry,” Yuto’s voice, hoarse and roughened from crying, whispered, his head turned up to look at you, “I’m sorry I broke things.”

“Shh,” you whispered, shaking your head, “We’ll fix it, everything will be okay I promise.”

You had no idea how you were going to make that promise come true, not in the least, but you said it none the less.

“I’m sorry I let you down,” he whispered, his eyes filled with pain, and you grabbed his chin in your hand, holding him still, his eyes wide at the abrupt movement.

“Yuto!” your voice was so loud he jumped, but you were glad because you needed him to listen, “You are the same boy in this moment as the one that left this house this morning! Nothing has changed!”

You tried to lower your voice, but your tone was still infused with fire as you spoke, “My pride, my love, and my admiration for you is not dependent on where you stand on a stage or in a formation! It’s not about how many lines you get to sing or if you are first or last! I am proud of you for being you! Nothing will change that! Certainly, not this!”

His eyes brimmed with tears, and you reached forward to swipe the one that finally rolled down his cheek, his voice soft, “…but, why? I…I didn’t…it’s just…”

You stopped him, your words firm with conviction, “I love you, and you have always tried your best, there is no other expectation.”

He stared at you for a moment and then nodded, his voice small, “It…I think…that it…it’s my fault.”

“Hmm?”

“I…I think I got comfortable,” he whispered, “I didn’t think that you could lose your position, so I…I just wasn’t trying, not the way I should have. Maybe I wasn’t doing my best after all?”

“I know you better than that,” you smiled, “I won’t even entertain that kind of thought–there is another explanation, Yuto.”

“I can’t think of one.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to understand all of the answers today, and you won’t learn anything if I tell you the answer. When you figure it out, then we’ll talk, okay?”

He started to say something and then you both jumped when someone knocked on the door, he shifted to give you room to stand up, and you looked around doing an inventory of the damage quickly, “I’ll be right back, don’t move, there’s glass everywhere.”

He nodded, and you rushed to the door, swinging it open.

Your hand flew out without thought, making solid contact against the man’s face, his head jerking to the side as the satisfying smack sounded loudly, his hand lifting to cradle his face as he shook his head.

“I deserved that.”

“Damn right you deserved it, you bastard! How could you let them do this to Yuto!?”

“Can I please come inside, it would be better for everyone if the world wasn’t privy to these kinds of conversations.”

You growled, “Fine!” shifting to the side to allow Yuto’s manager to enter.

“Explain yourself,” you hissed.

“I didn’t know, not until today, and I wasn’t at the filming. They called me after they’d already made the change.”

“You didn’t know?” You shook your head, narrowing your eyes, “Tell the truth, you coward!”

“I didn’t know…officially,” he admitted, shrinking when you lifted your hand to rub your eyes, which made you roll your eyes despite your anger.

“They’d been talking about this for a while,” he whispered, “but, I thought they would see how earnest Yuto was and drop it. I defended him, and whether you believe it or not, I fought for him, even up until today.”

You shook your head, crossing your arms, your face tight with frustration, “You should have told him! You let him walk in there today to be completely blindsided by this! In front of his group members! In front of staff! You dishonored him!”

“I should have told him,” he nodded, “I’m sorry–I just…I honestly didn’t think they would do it. I didn’t really believe them when they discussed it.”

“It’s fine,” both of your heads jerked to the side to see Yuto standing in the room, his face a mess, his clothing disheveled, his hair a wreck, but his posture spoke of something strong and assured.

“Yuto, I owe you an apology, I did–”

“Don’t apologize, it’s fine,” he moved over toward you, to stand next to you, his voice was soft as he spoke, but his words were powerful, “Ryosuke has worked hard, he has never stopped working hard from the very start, no one has worked harder than him–certainly, not even me. I can complain and say many things against others who have positions they don’t deserve, but I cannot say it against him. There is no truth in the idea that he doesn’t deserve what he has, because he earned it. I let him have it through my own complacency.”

The manager’s eyes were wide, “Is that true?”

“Unfortunately,” Yuto nodded, eyes cast to the ground, “It occurs to me even now that I knew inside that they were making changes, I saw it but refused to admit it.”

“Hmm,” the manager put his hand on his chin, “Then, what do you want to do?”

“Support my group, from whatever place they believe I am best suited for, to help them, and to be the best we can be as Jump.”

Your heart swelled, and you wanted to hug him but you knew he’d die of embarrassment so you just remained silent.

“I’ll find out, get to the bottom of what this means for you,” he nodded, shuffling toward the door, “for now, take a deep breath, we’ll get it all sorted.”

You wondered how he could make something so complex sound so simple.

A few months had passed, and while Yuto had spoken to you a few times about things that were happening at work, he mostly avoided talking about it and threw himself into school and other activities, taking up several new hobbies which you thoroughly encouraged.

He’d come home from school on a rare day off from work, and was sitting at the counter while you made him a bowl of noodles, his voice soft when he spoke, “I wanted to thank you, Mom.”

You glanced over, laughing, “I haven’t even given you the soup yet, silly!”

He smiled, shaking his head, his fingers thrumming on the counter and you knew he’d been especially focused on his studies in drum lessons, smiling at his excess energy, “Not for that! For…giving me time to figure out the explanation myself.”

“Oh,” you tilted your head, wondering if he wanted to discuss it or not, “You did figure it out?”

Yuto nodded, standing up and moving into the kitchen, grabbing a bottled water from the fridge, taking a sip and then leaning against the counter opposite of you.

“I think I did,” he shifted, nervous energy radiating from him, “I think…I wasn’t really ever going to be good as a center. Not because I couldn’t do it, but because my temperament wasn’t suited for it.”

You hummed, processing what he was saying.

“I’ve watched Ryosuke over these last few months, and I see that he is natural at it, he’s…he’s just that, just was one of those people born ace. Does that make sense?”

You nodded once, tentative, not wanting him to sell himself short just because Ryosuke was a different kind of person.

“It isn’t a struggle for him like it was for me, he just somehow has all the attitude and strength and power necessary to do it–and I fought to do it, I struggled with every aspect of it, but he doesn’t–he bridges the gap between all of us. Even on my best day–I wasn’t as good at it as he is on his worst day.”

You started to say something, but he held his hand up, “I know what you would say, and you’d be partially right, but I am not saying anything bad about myself by praising him–he is nothing like me, we are very different people, and in this case, Johnny saw the truth–Ryosuke should have always been the center. He was born for it.”

You couldn’t argue with him, it was the truth that set you on edge from the very start of everything.

“I am better at supporting my group from the other point of view. You taught me that, right?” His eyes shifted to look at you.

“What’s that?”

“That sometimes people can learn a lot from the ones who are looking at them from a different view.”

You nodded, “Yes, I did.”

“Then, that’s what I can be? Right? See, now I can do something that is more like me…I can help the group in a way…maybe no one else could? By seeing them from a different view and making sure I guide them?”

You hummed in agreement, letting him get his thoughts out.

“Maybe…maybe it’s better that I am watching over them instead of them always watching me.”

He took a shuddering breath, his head dropping down, “That’s hard.”

You moved over to him, and he shuffled forward, letting you wrap your arms around him, his forehead pressed onto your shoulder.

“I don’t want to keep feeling angry and sad and hurt and embarrassed.”

You rubbed your hand gently on his back, trying to soothe him, “Yuyu, it won’t feel like that always, you will make up your mind and then things will be okay again.”

“Make up my mind about what?”

“That you’ll keep your promise.”

“My promise?”

“That no matter what happens, you will do your best.”

He hummed in understanding, his arms moving to hug you back, his voice a whisper, “…because then–my best will be a gift to everyone else.”

You smiled, “Yes.”

“I thought that everyone else was the world,” he took a deep breath, “…but now I think–it was always Jump–it was always my members, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, I think it was.”

He was silent for a moment, contemplating, gathering his thoughts, “It would be an honor to watch over my group and help them from my unique point of view. To give them my strength, my power, and my abilities that only I possess.”

“Yes, and because you had experience as the center, you will have experienced a level of understanding others would not have.”

He sighed, “I want to feel better about it, I don’t, I am saying all of this, but it’s not real in my heart yet.”

You pushed on his shoulders, making him lean up so you could look into his eyes, “I think, Yuyu, that once your feelings are not so raw, that you will discover that the truth was real in your heart the whole time, and that this is just the natural result of the truth expressed into your life.”

“I wanted this to happen?”

“Maybe not that exact way of saying it, but just try to close your eyes and take a deep breath, feel if the weight is still there.”

He did as you asked, his eyes closing, his body tense, and you hoped you were right about this, you hoped he could see it for himself.

He was still for so long you wondered if he was actually thinking about it or not, and then you saw the lines, the tension slowly draining from his face, and his eyes popped open and they were his eyes, the bright, excited, filled with wonder eyes you’d missed for such a very long time, wide and twinkling with the joy that was all Yuto.

“It’s really gone,” his voice was filled with emotion, “I–I didn’t know it would feel like this.”

You smiled, “Everything will fall into good order, and Yuto, I know how you think about things, but I need you to think about what I am saying to you. That group? Your members? They love you, they support you and this is also something that has undoubtedly deeply affected everyone in your group.”

He seemed to startle as if this was the first moment he’d considered that, having been so wrapped up in his own acceptance and understanding of the events, his eyes wide, his voice worried, “Ryosuke…”

“Yes, him most of all,” you nodded, brushing his hair out of his eyes, “You just need to remember, he did his best too, and it was not against you–he is under the same authority you are. He didn’t have any power over this either.”

“It is good he didn’t hold back,” Yuto spoke, voice laced with sincerity, his fingers twisting together, “He really did earn it.”

“Then support him where he is, and be open to accepting his support in return.”

He stared at you for a moment, and you thought maybe he was going to say no, but then he nodded, “I’ll try.”

It wasn’t a no, it wasn’t a yes, but you felt like this might be the best response you could expect all things considered.

That will be enough for now.

Time seemed to pass quickly, seasons moving in order–you wondered at when exactly things had become calm and normal again, and one day you realized, the boys had grown up right before your eyes.

Yuto was, as always, eagerly awaiting his snack, this time a special strawberry jam on toast, which he’d asked for specifically.

“The four of us from 7 went out together the other night, in celebration of us all turning twenty,” he laughed, clearly remembering something that had happened, and then he continued, “We talked.”

You smiled, glad to see him so carefree and happy, “Well, as opposed to staying silent the entire time…”

“No,” he laughed, “I mean we talk talked. About important things.”

“Ah,” you nodded, curious, “I see.”

“Ryosuke–you know what, Mom? He was really brave, and suddenly he told me the truth…”

You tilted your head, “The truth?”

“He didn’t like me for a long time,” he laughed, his fingers tapping the counter, “and I told him I didn’t particularly like him either.”

You couldn’t help but laugh as you imagined these boys talking about these things, finally, after all this time.

“He told me…that he had really struggled with wanting to quit, with the feelings he had after he was moved into the center position–how uncomfortable the attention made him feel. That all he wanted for us was for everyone to know all of our names. That there were times he wanted to stop the way the spotlight shined on him, and that he asked to quit the group last year when they wanted him to go solo–because he didn’t want to betray us.”

“He…it was all true, what you’d thought, the times you’d told me how he must be feeling. He confirmed it with his own words.”

You smiled, glad that Yuto seemed so clearheaded and relaxed about all of it.

“I told him the truth, too,” he smiled, laughing at the way your eyes widened, “…and it was good, we were honest and things suddenly changed, and I felt it and he felt it and suddenly–everything made sense again in the world.”

His eyes twinkled, “He said he would no longer call me Yuto-kun–he made up a new name for me.”

“Oh,” you found the way he was talking so amusing, “What is it?”

“Yutti,” he laughed, and you saw how much this made him happy–despite always saying he was thankful for the way Ryosuke respected him, there was always that underlying feeling that a wall deeper and wider than the Great Wall was standing between them. You sensed that the wall had surely been destroyed and you made an internal promise to send Ryosuke a note later.

“I’m proud of you,” you nodded, smiling, filled with such delight at this, teasing him, “I’m glad you two finally discussed it, despite the fact that I told you to do that years ago.”

He mock frowned, “You actually told me ‘when you are ready’, and I was finally ready! Well, I guess Ryosuke was actually ready, and he made me address it whether I was ready or not!”

You both laughed then, and you saw the missing part of him that had been covered up by the stress, worry, and weight of the life he’d led as it flooded back into him, and you were filled with joy. He moved around the counter, he loomed over you, having grown so much so fast, and you looked up at him, finding him smiling broadly, as he grabbed your hand and pulled it up to his heart, “Thanks for always helping me, for always being there, Mom.”

You wanted to cry, wanted to grab him up and hold him like you used to, but he was far too grown, far too big for such things, so you settled for resting your hand on his cheek, smiling at the handsome, kind, generous, talented, thoughtful young man you’d raised, “I’ll always be here, Yuyu.”

He hugged you then, his arms tight around you as he whispered, “Thanks Mom. I love you!”

You woke, bolting up in bed, your eyes wide as you grabbed your cellphone to look at the time. You groaned, rubbing your eyes as you realized the alarm was about to go off. You tapped your phone, turning it off, and looking next to you where your husband was sound asleep. Relieved that you hadn’t disturbed him.

You turned, setting your feet on the floor, and then you remembered.

Yuto is getting married today.

Today everything will change. Today, you would have to smile and be happy in front of everyone–act like your heart wasn’t being shred in your chest. Because you knew.

You’d watched how other people’s lives had changed when their sons married. Things were different. It couldn’t be the same anymore…and the weight of that was heavy in your heart.

You thought over your dream, the sweet memories lingering, settling over you like a blanket, and you felt warm, and you knew, despite the pain in your heart, this is how it was meant to be.

You had done your job, you had raised him, and he was an amazing young man, and he would be just as amazing as a husband and one day a father. It was time for you to let him go, and let his wife take over.

You held no illusions, you held no impossible dreams, you wanted to accept what was, and with that thought, you slipped on your robe, padding out of the room to his room.

You opened the door, quietly, moving toward his bed, and took in his sleeping form. He looked so small there, still clutching that teddy bear, and you wanted to laugh because he was getting married today but he was sleeping with a teddy bear.

You could see the tiny baby boy, you could see the rambunctious toddler, the terrified little boy on the first day of school, and the boy who grew day by day and year by year into this young man. You couldn’t be more proud of him, it was impossible.

You stood there, and you bent your mind around the truth of what you wanted for him, of the truth that this was what you’d always prepared him for, what you’d done all alone to teach him and grow him–it wasn’t for him to stay, it was for him to fly.

Soar.

Your mind flooded with the checklist of what you dreamed of for your son as you stood there looking at him.

I want you to be happy–truly happy, joyful, complete,

I want you to have all you ever dreamed of, all you truly deserve.

I want you to love deeply, to live joyfully, and to slow down and enjoy every minute.

I want you to be strong when facing troubles, and I want you to not just survive them but thrive through them.

I want you to take pleasure in the simple things, and to not be afraid to be extravagant when the time calls for it.

I want you to have what you need, and to cherish what you have.

I want you to be satisfied, to find satisfaction in the purest of life, in the slow steady movement of time, to never want for what you don’t have–and to share selflessly what you do have.

I don’t want you to worry, to be afraid, to wander lost, but to only follow your heart, to follow your soul, because it would never lead you astray.

I want for you–everything I’ve dreamed of for you.

And there it was, wasn’t it? The bottom line of the day–of this moment, resting in the simple truth–that your part of the equation was already written–now Yuto had to go forward in his life and do the rest.

You had knelt down on your knees beside the bed, and you didn’t know you were crying, didn’t know you were shaking, and you jumped when Yuto’s sleepy voice whispered, “Mom, what’s wrong?”

You laughed, waving your hand, waving him off, but he grabbed it, and pulled it to his heart, and you couldn’t stop the sob that bubbled up from deep inside, shaking your head, not wanting him to be thinking about you, worried about you, not today.

Damn it, you were supposed to be strong! Stop this, stop it now!

He didn’t move, he just stared at you, blinking softly, squeezing your hand gently, and then his words were like a healing balm across an open wound, “Momma, you will always be the first girl I ever loved.”

You laughed softly, and he did too, because you were laughing and crying at the same time and he thought there probably wasn’t anything sweeter than that, “I remember it all,” his voice was so soft, the words meant to be pressed like a rose between the pages of your heart, and you heard the emotion, the love he was using to engrave them, “I remember everything, and I feel it, I feel it, too.”

And you nodded, because looking into his eyes, you believed it was true, your hand digging into your robe pocket to pull out the envelope you’d put in there the night before, “This is for you.”

He took it from your hand, and you quickly responded, “Today will be busy, read it when you can,” you leaned forward, kissing his forehead, and he pulled you back when you tried to stand, kissing your cheek softly, “I love you, Momma.”

“I love you too, Yuyu, now get up,” you clapped your hands together, smiling broadly, “Let’s get you married!”

My precious Yuyu,

I know most Moms write these really serious letters telling their sons all of this important advice about life, living, and love.

Well, to be perfectly honest, if I have waited until now to try to teach you those things I have been a horrible failure as a mother.

I hope that I have lived my life as an example of the things I wanted you to know about being an adult, about how to love, honor, and cherish your spouse, and about living every day to the fullest.

So, no, I didn’t write this letter to tell you any of that–I wrote it because I have a sincere request, so please, do this one thing for me today.

For the love of God, please, put a pack of tissues in your pocket, okay? Because I don’t want to be out there during our mother-son dance with snot dripping down my face while everyone watches trying to pretend they don’t see it–plus, pictures.

Just, please, save me from my snot.

I love you!

LET’S DO THIS THING!

Momma

You didn’t know, after all, how could you have known, that from one moment to the next Yuto’s presence would change, the composition of his very being would become something other, but as he moved you around the room to the music, all you could see was that there was something new there emanating from him.

A sense of assurance, a sense of joy, a sense of completeness–like the thing that had been missing had finally been revealed, and you were so thankful, so full of happiness, any reservation you had fell away, because this is all you ever wanted for him–all you’d ever dreamed of for him.

And…you cried–because you were happy, because you were sad–because you were nothing but a big bundle of conflicting emotions, and you laughed, the tears wet on your cheeks when Yuto moved his hand from your waist for a moment and then drew it up between the of you, holding a tissue in his fingertips for you.

“Th-thank you,’ you whispered, grateful when he turned you away from the crowd so you could wipe your nose.

The song changed and others began to move around you to dance to the next song, but he still stayed there, swaying you softly for just one more moment, and when he spoke, his voice was firm, full of conviction, “Mom, I’ll always take care of you.”

You looked into his eyes, a smile blossoming across your face, and he saw it, he saw that you understood, and he squeezed your hand, drawing it up to his heart to hold it there.

He leaned forward to kiss your cheek, then hugged you tightly, whispering, “I love you, Mom, I’m still your little boy, I will always be no matter how grown I am,” and you held him tightly, didn’t want to let him go, but you knew you had to, your voice firm when you spoke.

“Always?”

“Always.”

When he released your hand, turning, his eyes drifting around the room seeking his bride, seeing a new facet of who he was come to life right before your eyes. His entire body was radiating with love, and when she saw him, her eyes lit up brightly, smiling, her position shifting as if she were being drawn to him when she saw him moving toward her–and you realized…he had taken flight, he was moving steadily toward his future, into a beautiful life.

In that moment, you felt a thread of pride and love and joy and deep-rooted understanding weaving through all of your memories–because you’d given him this, the ability, the knowledge, and then the freedom to fly, and he didn’t just fly.

He soared.

#hey say jump #nakajima yuto #yuto nakajima #Mod J #drabble #oneshot #hurt/comfort #I hurt my own feelings guys #happyyutti2k17

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