#happy 10th anniversary Morning Phase!!!

[perfunctory-idols]

Beck in Kyoto, Japan in 2007

Photos by Autumn de Wilde

A photo from this shoot was used for the cover of Beck's Morning Phase.

[scimitar-and-longsword]

Two requests if it's okay 1) a gif of the neck grab of pride Andy gives Nile after she jumps out the window. 2)Fic about Nile's first birthday as an immortal Thanks so much!!

Sorry this took so long lol. I really liked the prompt and I just wanted to get it right! We all know my brotp is Booker & Joe... Nicky & Nile are a close second....

—————–

26

There was a sliver of dull sunlight shining right across Nile’s forehead as she came to consciousness on the morning of her twenty-sixth birthday. Or at least it should have been her twenty-sixth birthday. She wasn’t quite sure on the details.

Did she even still count her birthday the same now? Was she twenty-six? Or perhaps only one? No- No. That sounded ridiculous. So maybe just the first anniversary of her twenty-fifth birthday?

Nile opened her eyes and stared up at the ceiling. It was a rather unremarkable ceiling, painted a faded a pale green. It was discolored brown from water damage in a few spots. 

She had been to this safe house once before. Two months ago after a particularly rough mission the five of them had limped in, blood soaked and exhausted. Luckily this time they had only been exhausted.

This was the first time she had been to a safe house twice. It was strange how much it felt like home after only having been there once for a week. But after seven months of new place after new place she felt a welcome familiarity with this crumbling cottage, small though it was.

She had known what bed was to be hers. No dragging of an old mattress from another room. No reshuffling of sleeping arrangements to accommodate for her. No Andy or Booker taking a couch or armchair. No Joe and Nicky sleeping on the floor because they both couldn’t fit on the couch.

Booker made a low pained noise in his sleep. And Nile’s thoughts were brought back to the present. 

Booker was in a bed perpendicular to hers, their head’s only a couple feet apart.

She glanced up at him, he appeared to still be asleep, his arm slung over his eyes.

Nile craned her neck to see Andy still asleep in the bed next to the door. Her immortality was gone but she still insisted on sleeping closest to the door. The first line of defense.

Joe and Nicky were directly across from her, huddled facing her in a bed that seemed too small for the two of them.

How old were each of them again? 953, and 950. Booker was 247...or was it 248?, And she couldn’t even guess at Andy’s age.

Would that happen to her? Her years becoming so numerous that she couldn’t remember the year she was born?

The sun had moved enough to shine irritatingly in her eyes, Nile brought her hand up to shield them. But after a minute or so, when her arm grew tired, she flipped onto her stomach. Her frustration got the better of her and she sighed loudly. 

Too loudly, apparently, as Nicky started awake and sat bolt upright in the bed across from hers. Joe too started, and sleepily said something to Nicky in Italian that Nile couldn’t quite make out. Nicky glanced around the room and made eye contact with Nile.

“Sorry.” Nile whispered.

Nicky gave her a sleepy smile and turned over to face Joe, responding to him in Italian as well, but this time she heard her name and the word for sleep.

Andy and Booker hadn’t even moved. Both of their breathing was as even as Joe’s was slowly becoming once more.

Nicky was obviously awake still, propped up on his elbow facing Joe. His other hand stroked Joe’s hip soothingly.

A minute or so passed where Nile turned the problem of her birthday over in her mind, before she gave up trying to fall back asleep. She got out of bed with a frustrated sigh, and exited the bedroom.

The rest of the cottage consisted of a bathroom and a small main room full of mismatched furniture and with what one might consider a kitchenette. 

Nile plugged in and turned on a hotplate and filled a kettle with water. She opened the pantry and was surprised to find a half used package of instant coffee. It took her a moment to realize that it was hers, left here from the previous stay in October.

She couldn’t help but smile to herself. Silly as it sounded, it was nice to find something she knew she had left behind for herself.

She glanced around the room, the little touches of each member of her new family were evident. Various swords hung on the wall above the small dining table. She was sure they were all sharp and battle ready. There was a single bookshelf that was full to bursting, with piles of books on the ground all around it.

Despite the cottage’s pathetic excuse for a kitchen there were nice pots and pans and a stand alone pantry pushed against the wall next to the small counter that currently held the slowly heating up hot plate. That would have been Ncky’s doing, Nile thought with a smile.

The water finally came to a boil and Nile made herself a cup of coffee. She looked out the window at the Welsh countryside and took a long slow sip of her coffee.

She started when she heard the door to the bedroom quietly click open behind her.

She wheeled around to see Nicky stepping into the main room, and closing the door behind him once more with another soft click.

“Good morning.” Nicky said quietly. He crossed the small room and took out a mug to poor himself some of the hot water.

“Sorry I woke you.” Nile said.

She opened the pantry and fished out a tin of tea. But when Nile turned to offer it to Nicky, he was already stirring in some of the instant coffee mix.

“It’s fine,” He said with a smile. And when he saw Nile’s look of surprise, “Sorry, do you mind if I have some of your coffee?”

“You never drink coffee.” Nile said, not really answering his question.

“I think you’ll find words like ‘never’ rather useless when talking to a 900 year old man.”

“I just mean- I’ve never seen you drink coffee. You have a cup of tea. Every morning. For seven months”

“We go through phases,” Nicky said, taking a small sip of his coffee, “Joe was particularly fond of coffee for most of the 1600’s.” 

“An entire century is a particularly long phase.”

Nicky chuckled. 

A comfortable silence fell over them for a while after that. Nicky sat at the small dining table and opened a book he had left there the night before. Nile stared out the window watching the morning fog burn off as the sun rose higher.

She thought about how much had happened in the two months since the previous time they had been to this safe house. None of them had died, thank god. But Nile had been shot twice in the leg, and Joe had taken the butt of a gun to the back of the head, knocking him out just two days ago.

Booker had had his throat cut so deep that Nile thought he was about to fade out as she held the wound together. Luckily he had pulled through, his healing repairing the damage as if nothing had happened. 

Try as she might to distract herself though, her thoughts returned to her birthday. Surely it wasn’t something that should bring her this much anguish. She was not the type of person to care about getting older, let alone now when nothing would change.

But she had seen the way immortality weighed heavily on Andy and Booker. She had even glimpsed it’s sting in Joe and Nicky’s eyes, though they were better at hiding it. At least from her.

“Did you dream of Quynh?” Nicky asked after nearly a half hour had passed.

“What?” Nile said, genuinely confused, “Oh- no. I had just been thinking and forgot I was in a room full of jumpy, trigger happy warriors. I sighed too loudly.”

“Was that what woke me?” Nicky smiled, “Perhaps I am a bit jumpy.”

Nicky returned his eyes to his book, but it really didn’t look like he was reading. In fact Nile was pretty sure she hadn’t heard him turn a single page in his book this whole time.

“It’s my birthday.” Nile said before she could overthink it.

“I know.” Nicky said simply, taking another sip of coffee, and lifting his eyes to meet hers.

“You-” Nile shook her head, a confused smile spreading over her face, “You know?”

“December 10th, 1994.” Nicky said as if that was an explanation.

Nile took a seat at the table with him.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Nile asked, and then hastily added, “I mean- I just feel kind silly for trying to hide it now.”

“I wasn’t sure that you wanted to celebrate.” Nicky said.

“It does feel strange.” Nile said.

“It always does.” Nicky said, he took a deep breath before continuing, “I’m afraid that won’t change.”

“Do you celebrate?” Nile asked, “I’ve been with you all for the better part of a year and I don’t think any of you have mentioned birthdays. Do you even remember yours?”

“October 22nd,” Nicky said, “On the Gregorian calendar at least.”

“So you remember, you just don’t celebrate.”

“Sometimes we do. Big numbers, milestones.” Nicky said, “Booker’s 249th birthday was two days ago. Next year we’ll probably do something. But generally no, we don’t celebrate as a group.”

“As a group.” Nile turned the word choice over in her head, “So that’s Nicky and Joe speak for you guys celebrate each other's birthdays without Booker and Andy.” -or me.

Nicky laughed, nodded, and took another drink of coffee.

“Wait- October 22nd? The last time we were here was on your birthday.”

“That’s true. This is one of my favorite safe houses, I imagine Andy picked it for that reason.”

“I missed your birthday. And I could have done something- gotten you a present or made you a cake.”

“I don’t need anything from you Nile.” Nicky said.

“I know you don’t need anything. But if you want to celebrate with someone I could have made an effort-”

“Do you want to celebrate today Nile?” Nicky cut her off.

Nile blinked at him for a moment. Did she?

“I’m not sure. With Andy and Booker the way that they are- it feels selfish.”

“Forget about them. Do you want to celebrate?”

“I think so?” Nile took a deep breath and tried to order her thoughts, “This will be one of the last birthday’s that my age reflects how I look. One of the last times my birthday will have meaning beyond just being a piece of trivia to remind me of how long I’ve been frozen in time. So yes, I think I do.”

“Good.” Nicky said with a small smile. He got up from the table.

Nicky disappeared into the bedroom and for a moment Nile dreaded him popping back out with everyone to surprise her. But no, that wasn’t Nicky's style. 

Instead, he returned a minute later carrying a small rectangular package.

“Happy birthday Nile.” Nicky said simply as he placed it in front of her, and took his seat once more.

“Nicky-” Nile started, but her words seemed to evaporate in her throat.

“Open it.” Nicky said, his smile was the biggest she’d seen it in months.

She took the lid off the box and found the unmistakable shape of a white jewelry box.

“When my sword, my first sword, the one I brought with me to the holy land from Genova, began to deteriorate beyond repair it was Joe who suggested I melt the steel down to keep. A memory from my previous life.”

Nile took it out and opened it slowly, in it was a delicate silver charm bracelet. On it was a single, rough looking charm.

“Joe wears a piece of it on a chain around his neck.” Nicky continued.

Nile knew exactly the charm he was talking about. A simple rectangle of metal that hung low from Joe’s neck.

“Booker has a vein of the steel in a ring that he hardly wears, Andy has an earring, though I haven't seen her wear it in decades,”  Nicky paused, “Quynh had a piece too, on an anklet. Though I suppose it’s rusted away to nothing by now.” 

Nile stared down at the bracelet, unsure what to do next. Nicky took a deep breath, She could hear the slight quiver in his breathing that he tried to suppress.

“I have more though, I’ll replace Quynh’s when we find her.” Nick said. He extended his hands out toward the box, “May I?”

Nile nodded and pushed the box toward him. He removed the bracelet and held it up for her, fastening around her wrist when she offered it.

“Don’t feel obligated to wear it every day, or even often. Joe tries not to wear his on missions if he can help it.”

Nile took a closer look at the charm, it was a square, rough and unpolished, much like Joe’s. She had never gotten a close look at Joe’s pendant so she didn’t know what if anything was etched into the metal. But as Nile turned the square of rough steel over in her hand she noticed a tiny but intricate cross indented into one of the corners.

“I don’t-” Nile started, she laughed and then a small sob escaped her throat, “Thank you.”

“You are very welcome.” Nicky said, his smile was back to the small one she was used to.

“Well now I have to get you something.” Nile laughed out another sob, followed by another, and then she was full on crying.

Nicky moved around the table to stand in front of Nile and pulled her into an awkward hug while she still sat. Her head fell into his chest and she threw her arms around his waist.

“Hey. Hey- shhhhh.” Nicky said. He placed a hand on the back of her head, the other arm wrapped around her shoulders and held her tight to him as she let the sobs rock her body for a minute.

“I’ll have other birthday’s Nile, as will you. Don’t pay it any mind. I don’t need anything. Though I imagine that’s not why you’re actually upset.”

Nile nodded against Nicky’s chest, vaguely aware that a wet spot was forming where her tears had soaked into Nicky’s shirt. He held her there for what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably less than a quarter of an hour. Until her sobs had subsided into the occasional uneven breath. 

“You haven’t missed Joe’s birthday yet.” Nicky finally said.

Nile laughed, pulled back from the hug, and wiped tears away from her cheeks.

Nicky took a step back, and placed his hands on his hips. He looked very fatherly in that moment, which made Nile’s heart ache, but it also warmed it ever so slightly.

“What about Andy?”

“I don’t know hers,” Nicky said, “But I don’t think she ever knew her birthday. She’s older than the idea of a calendar, or at least in the way we experience years and months.” 

Nicky stood in front of her for a minute longer before grabbing both of their mugs and taking them to the bathroom, where the only sink in the cottage was located.

Nile took another closer look at the charm. She suspected that the cross that was pressed into the metal had more significant meaning than just their shared faith in a higher power. She would have to ask him about it later when she was feeling less emotional.

Nicky returned but he didn’t hover, instead choosing to grab his book and move to an armchair by the front door.

When Joe got up at last he gave her a wink and pointed at the bracelet.

“It looks good.” he said, and then went to kiss Nicky good morning. 

Andy and Booker followed shortly thereafter, and the day passed mostly like any other.

That night she lay in the same bed she had started her day in, her heart much lighter. While it hadn’t been like any other birthday she had celebrated, it had been nice.

She got the distinct feeling that they were all aware it was her birthday. Even though no one else directly acknowledged it. 

Booker had gone for a run with her and sparred with her before lunch. Which wasn’t necessarily abnormal, but she did get more than one hit on him that she was pretty sure he let her land.

Andy was a tougher one to crack, but given that she had chosen this house for Nicky’s birthday and now hers, Nile felt like it wasn’t a coincidence. 

Nicky, with a little help from Joe, made a surprisingly good deep dish pizza using the fireplace for dinner.  Another thoughtful gesture that was not lost on her.

Nile looked up at the now familiar ceiling. And turned the charm around her wrist in her fingers.

She felt different. This wasn’t the first time she’d had to grapple with the consequence of her newly acquired immortality in the seven months she’d had it. But it was the first time she’d felt generally ok with it.

Up until now Nile had felt mostly like she had only lost things since she died for the first time. She had lost the world as she knew it, her life as she knew it. She had lost her family, and a home to call her own.

But for the first time she felt aware of how much she was gaining. The feeling of safety that only came with home. She genuinely felt excited to make her mark on countless safe houses all over the world. 

Family. Each of the other members of the Guard had already felt like a new family to her, but something about the simple understanding of today had made her feel loved in a way she had never experienced before. Each of their reactions to her birthday seemed to fit them all perfectly.

Things were different now, but she liked the small place she was carving out in their family.

Twenty-six years on this earth. She looked forward to what Twenty-seven would have in store for her.

((Available on AO3 as well, link on my tumblr 💜))

[theydontknowaboutusimagines]

The Set Up - Harry Styles One Shot (Part 6)

Part 1    Part 2    Part 3     Part 4   Part 5  

**

The 10th anniversary issue of The Mixtape was now on newsstands and the response from your loyal readers as been amazing. Everyone was taking to social media talking about it and adding their favorite memories. Things in the office were a bit slower now, but there was still plenty of work to do. Booking artists for interviews and covers, pitching article ideas, and new themed issues. 

Your relationship was still in the honeymoon phase, but you knew at some point soon that would most likely fade away. Especially since he was starting tour in less than a week. You two still had yet to have a conversation about what it would entail in regards to your relationship. Would there be rules or expectations for one another? Would there be days that go where you two wouldn’t speak? How would you handle a disagreement? 

There was so much unknown information that you were a little worried. You had already wrote down every single tour date in your calendar, trying to match up with your own schedule so that you could fly out for a week at a time. You also made sure to note any of his off weeks, so that you didn’t overbook yourself for when he was home. 

Mentally, you are prepared to work as hard and as much as you could while he was gone, so that you were able to take off when you needed it. Of course, you knew that you couldn’t work yourself to death, but the motivation was there. You were at the office, going through a hoard of emails when your boyfriend poked his head in the office, holding two cups of coffee and a muffin. 

“Hey,” You smiled getting up from your desk. “What are doing here?” 

“Just thought I’d pop in and see my girl,” he smiled. “And bring her a little something.” 

“I was just about to grab a refill, so thank you,” you smiled taking one of the cups from him. 

“I figured,” he smiled putting his hand on your waist. 

You smiled giving him a quick kiss, “So, what’s on your agenda today?” 

“I’m having lunch with my sister,” he said leaning against your desk. 

“Oh, that’ll be fun,” you said sipping your coffee.

“Yeah, I try to spend a little bit more time with her before tour, since it’ll be a while till I’m able to see her,” he said. “She doesn’t come out on tour much anymore.” 

“Hm, that’s nice,” you smiled. “I remember her taking about it being weird for her, not always getting to talk or see you.” 

He nodded, “Sometimes the time differences get in the way or our schedules. We at least will text here and there. In fact, sometimes we talk more while I’m tour than when I’m not,” he laughed. 

You nodded, “Interesting.” 

“Hey, but don’t worry,” he said. “That won’t happen with us. Don’t tell Gem, but I’d much rather talk to you, over her,” he winked. 

You laughed, “I will definitely not tell her that or she’ll kick your ass.” 

“That she would,” he laughed. “Oh, there is another reason, I stopped by because I talked to my Mum this morning and she wants me to come stay with her for a few days. I usually do that as well before tour, sometimes she comes here and stays with me or Gem, others I go up there. She also wanted me to invite you.” 

“Oh, I’d love to go,” you smiled. “But only if you want me to go. I don’t want to impose on a mother son time.” 

“You won’t be, besides I feel like she’d be happier spending time with you than me,” he laughed. 

“Just let me know the dates and I’ll make sure everything’s good to go here,” you said. 

“Will do,” he smiled. “Oh, one more thing and I’ll let you get back to work.” 

“Yes?” You giggled. 

“Stay over tonight?” He asked. “I missed having my favorite breakfast this morning.” 

You looked at him confusion on your face, causing him to laugh, “You, baby,” he smirked. 

“Behave!” You laughed. 

“It’s true though,” he said. “I have to get it while I can before I have to go without it.” 

“Well, when you put it that way,” you smirked wrapping your arms around his shoulder, “I’ll be at your place as soon as I’m finished here.. and who says we have to wait until breakfast.” 

“I love the way you think,” he smirked pressing his lips against yours.

**

Harry left your office and headed straight to where he was meeting his sister. His mind was already thinking what would be taking place that nigh once you arrived at his home and he knew he needed to put that on the back burner before lunch with his sister. So, instead he thought about how your face at looked when he mentioned the tour and lack of communication with his family. 

Looking back, he probably shouldn’t have said what he did because while you were trying to hide it he could tell it bothered you. He really need to talk to you about what to expect on tour, but every tour was different, every relationship was different. To be fair, he hadn’t had many experiences with relationships on tour and they all obviously didn’t end well. In the past, he either didn’t have a super serious relationship with someone while on tour or he just didn’t even bother. 

That was mostly the younger side of him, still getting used to both the new found limelight and hectic schedule both on and off tour. But he really wanted this relationship to work with you. Going into it, he knew it was mostly a bad idea to pursue anything knowing he was leaving in a few months time, but he couldn’t help it. There was a undeniable connection he felt with you, even if in the beginning he tried to deny it. He could have at easily said he didn’t want it to become serious until he came back, but that wasn’t fair to you or to him. 

While he knew he should discuss the tour with you, he was going to keep it to himself a little bit longer. Yes, it was like the pot calling the kettle black because he had been upset with you not telling him about The Mixtape party, but this was different. He was afraid if he told you everything that could go wrong or how hard it could be, that you would freak out and end it before it even began. 

However, would that actually be for the best? Would laying it all out there in the beginning, letting you make the choice of sticking it out or walking away, help prevent him from getting his heartbroken yet again? Sure, it would fucking suck, losing you now, but at least it would be before he had fallen head over heels in love with you. 

Which, honestly, wouldn’t be too long now. It was crazy to think that way, he knew it. You two were still in the honeymoon phase, so it was mostly infatuation still, but he could honestly say he never felt what he was feeling with anyone else. Even people he dated long term. Maybe it was because you knew his family or maybe it was because you two were “made” for each other. 

He didn’t necessarily believe in love at first sight or soulmates, but he did believe that there was someone who fit in your missing piece. Someone who made you feel complete, who standing next to him for years to come, and he could see you as that person. Now, that his mind was a little more clearer he headed into the restaurant grabbing a table for two. 

“You’re late,” Harry smirked when his sister finally arrived. 

“By two bloody minutes,” she rolled her eyes. “I can count on both hands and  foot how many times you’ve been late.” 

“I believe that’s a bit of an exaggeration,” he said. 

“Except it’s not,” she laughed. 

“Anyway, I ordered us drinks,” he said. 

“Drinks, or drinks,” she smirked. 

“The former,” he said. “No one needs you drunk at eleven am.” 

She rolled her eyes shaking her head, “Now, let’s get down business.” 

“Let me guess, you’re going to grill me about Y/N this entire time, right?” He sighed dramatically. 

“Yeah, I am,” she said. “Neither of you have given me any information! I know you two are seeing each other and you were all lovey fucking dovey at The Mixtape party the other night, so just fucking tell me already.” 

“Tell you what?” He smirked. “That we’re fucking?” 

“Ew! What? No, I do not need to know that,” she said. “If it was Y/N and anyone else, I’d be all for the details, but not when it’s with my baby brother.” 

He laughed shaking his head, “Um, so does this mean she’s talked to you about details of her sexual past before?” 

“Yeah, I’m not going there,” she said. 

“What? It’s a question. I’m not asking for details. I’d rather not know them, actually,” he said. “I just want to know if you two did talk about that before...” 

“Yes, I mean it’s not like we sit down and have a formal tea and chat about it, but it’s been mentioned before usually when drinks involved,” she said. 

“Hmpf,” he mumbled. 

“Don’t be doing that,” she said. 

“Doing what?” He asked all innocently. 

“Getting jealous over past relationships,” she said. “It’s not like she’s the only person you’ve shagged either, yet you don’t see her trying to get information.” 

“Whatever. I’m not getting jealous, one, and two, I’m not asking for information, I was just asking a simple question,” he said. 

“Yeah, and denial is just a big fat river in Egypt,” she rolled her eyes. 

“No, by The Nile River is,” he smirked. 

“For fuck’s sake, just answer my previous question,” she groaned. “Are you and Y/N together yet?” 

“If you’re asking whether she’s my girlfriend, then yes, the answer is yes,” he said. 

“Yes! I fucking knew it,” she smirked. “When you two get married, please be sure to thank me. I take cash, checks, gift cards.” 

He rolled his eyes, “Shouldn’t you just be happy that both your best friend and brother are happy?” 

“Oh, I am. Extremely happy, but I can also be ecstatic that once again I was right,” she smirked. 

Harry laughed taking a bite of his just delivered food. 

“So, tour,” Gemma said after a bit. “How are you feeling about that?” 

“Excited, nervous, the usual feelings,” he said. 

“How Y/N’s feeling about the tour?” she asked. 

“Um, I don’t really know her exact feelings,” he said. “We’ve not talked about it.” 

Gemma sighed looking at him, “You leave next week.” 

“I know, I know,” he sighed. “It just hasn’t really come up.” 

“Because you haven’t brought it up,” Gemma said. “You need to talk to her about it, ASAP.” 

“Why are you so adamant about this?” Harry asked. “Did she say something?” 

“Look, I’m not going to get in between the two of you, I promised her I wouldn’t, but I will say this,” she said. “Just talk to her, please. Reassure her that things will be okay and that you two will work things out if they don't.” 

“Is she worried it’s not going to work out?” He asked. “Gem, you can’t just tell me this shit half ass, please tell me.” 

“Fuck me,” she groaned. “Before the two of you became official, she was a little hesitant on some things when it came to do the tour. She didn’t know how you felt about getting in or having a relationship on tour. She also may have asked about your other relationships and I might have told her there weren’t many to begin with and that the ones that were, there were problems.” 

“Bloody hell, Gemma, why would you tell her that?” He sighed. 

“Because it’s the truth, which she should have heard for you,” she pointed out. “So, that’s why I’m telling you to just sit down and have an honest conversation with her.” 

He sighed sitting back in his seat, “Yeah, I’ll talk to her.” 

**

Harry stared at the food in the skillet as it cooked, his mind wandering off to his talk with his sister. Ever since he left lunch with her, his mind raced with all sorts of thoughts. What if you were second guessing being with him and his fear of you walking out was bound to happen? He also wondered what else you talked to his sister about. He knew she would never break your trust, even if she slightly did during lunch, but if it was anything bigger, he knew she would never spill. 

He understood why and he would never intentionally ask or invade your privacy like that, but it still didn’t make the possibilities of conversations lead his mind. He heard the buzzer at the gate, signaling that you had arrived. He had given you the guest code, so you were able to get in, but it still alerted him when someone had arrived. He was thankful for that in that moment because it gave him time to try and clear his mind and put on a front that everything was okay until he had to bring up the topic of conversation. 

The doorbell rang, “It’s open!” He shouted from the kitchen. 

 A few seconds later, the front door opens and he could instantly smell your perfume. He smiled a bit knowing you were there, but deep down there was a feeling in his gut. 

“Hey, baby,” you smiled walking into the kitchen. “Dinner is smelling amazing.” 

“Thank you,” he smiled. “It should be ready in a bit.” 

You smiled wrapping your arms around his waist and given him a kiss, “Hm, how was lunch with Gem?” 

“Well, our conversation was centered around you,” he said. 

“Ah, so I take you finally told her we’re together?” You asked. 

“I did,” he said. “She told me we better thank her if we ever get married,” he laughed. 

“She would,” you laughed. 

“How was the rest of your day?” He asked. “Everything good at the office?” 

“Well, everyone was certainly in good moods thanks to the hoards of coffee, bagels, and muffins, my boyfriend dropped off today,” you laughed. 

“Happy everyone enjoyed it,” he smiled. 

You kissed his cheek, “Do you need any help?” 

“No, I’m good,” he said. 

“Okay, then I’m going to go freshen up and change, I’ve had enough of these tight ass for the day,” you laughed. 

He smirked, “Your ass definitely looks good in them though.” 

You laughed, “I’ll be right back.” 

He nodded giving you one more kiss before letting you go and head into the bedroom. He sighed, taking a deep breath before putting the food onto plates and taking it over to the table. Less than five minutes went by when you returned wearing leggings and an old concert t-shirt. 

“Just in time,” you smiled sitting down. 

“Want some wine?” He asked. 

“Actually, I think I’m just going to have some water,” you said. 

He nodded bringing over a glass of water before joining you at the table. 

Dinner was usually quiet only the sounds of forks clinging and glasses being placed on the table. You could tell something was off and you wondered what had happened between this morning and now. The only thing would be his lunch with Gemma and with him saying they talked about you. 

“You know despite Gemma’s previous warning, you aren’t that terrible of a cook,” you smirked looking over at him. 

He playfully glared at you with a laugh, but you could tell it was forced. When both of you were finished, you took your plate into the kitchen, “I’ll clean up,” you smiled. 

“You don’t-” he said. 

“No, I don’t, but I want to,” you smiled. “Then I’ll meet you over on the couch.” 

“Okay,” he nodded. 

After you finished cleaning up the kitchen, you poured yourself a glass of wine before going over to the couch where Harry was sitting. 

“So, you want to tell me what’s bothering you?” You asked turning to face him. 

“What do you mean?” He asked sipping his wine. 

“You know what I mean,” you said. “You’re acting different, standoffish a little. You barely said anything during dinner and now you won’t even look at me. Did I do something?” 

He sighed putting the glass of wine on the coffee table, “I want you to be honest with me, did you think about not pursing a relationship with because of me going on tour?” 

“Gemma?” you sighed. 

“Don’t-Don’t be upset with her, she didn’t really say those exact words, but I sort of got the feeling that’s where she was going,” he said. 

You sighed, “I didn’t say those exact words either,” you said. “We had this conversation before we even got together. It was while you were New York, she asked me how things were going and if I saw us going somewhere. I told her, I didn’t know because I didn’t know if you even wanted it to go somewhere because you would be going on tour.” 

“Why would you think that?” He asked. 

“I don’t know, I don’t know how that works,” you said. “I mean, maybe you don’t like having to worry about having someone back at home, having to make time to call them or something...” 

“What do you mean not worry about having someone back at home?” He asked. “What do you think I fuck around or something?” 

“What? No, I don’t-” you said. 

“Then what?” He said. “It makes no fucking sense on why you would think I would’t want a girlfriend just because I’m going on tour.” 

“Well, in case you forgot, you said it yourself just this morning, that you even have a hard time staying in touch with your family,” you said. “So, it does make sense that I would think you wouldn’t want another person to add to that list.” 

“Touring is part of my life, Y/N,” he said. “If I thought that way, then I’d never have a girlfriend, or ever get married unless I quit that part of my life and I don’t ever see myself doing that. Not until I’m dead or people stop coming to my shows, which ever happens first.” 

“We had just met, Harry, we had only been on one date and had a few phone conversations,” you said. “How was I supposed to know any of that? I didn’t even know what was going to come of us anyway.” 

“Oh, so you didn’t think we’d get together? Why?” He asked.

“Damnit, Harry,” you sighed. “Did you? Listen to yourself, this conversation with Gemma happened months ago. And for the record, you’re worried about that conversation, yet you’ve done nothing in the present to set my mind at ease about you going on tour and what that means for us.” 

“What are you worried about?” He asked. “Why are you freaking out about it?” 

“Because my boyfriend is about to leave for months on end and I don’t know how often I’ll get to see him or talk to him,” you said. “And that maybe, just maybe, since I won’t be around, he’ll forget about me and all of this will have been for nothing.” 

“How can you think that?” He asked. “I don’t know what you’ve experienced before in your past relationships, but I’m not some sort of fucking out of sight, out of mind person. If I’m with you, you’re all I’m thinking about. I don’t care if it’ll be two days or two fucking months since seeing or speaking with you, I will still be thinking about you.” 

“You say that now,” you said. “But you don’t know how you’ll feel two months from now.” 

He shook his head, “If anyone should be worried about it’s me,” he said. “How do I know that you won’t be the one looking for something else with me gone, huh? You could easily meet someone here, who would sweep you off your feet, someone who could be at your beck and call all the fucking time and not thousands of miles away. So, if there should be anyone worried about being in  relationship while I’m tour, it’s me.” 

“Oh, so now you think I’m going to be the one who fucks around on you?” You asked.

Harry didn’t say anything, but his silence said enough. 

“Wow,” you laughed darkly. “Never once did I think you would actually cheat on me because I trust you, but apparently you don’t trust me. So, you know what, I’m just going to leave and go back to my flat, while you figure you own shit out, but just know, I refuse to be with someone who doesn’t trust me.” 

Harry sighed, not saying anything, as your grabbed your bag to leave. You paused at the door, hoping he would say something, but he didn’t, so you walked away. 

And he let you. 

**

The next morning you were pissed, beyond pissed, so you got up first thing to head into the gym. Your trainer was there waiting for you with a punching bag and your gloves. You had waited up most of the night, wondering if Harry would call you to talk things over, but not even a single text message was sent your way. 

“Rough night?” He asked while he taped up your hand and wrist. 

“Didn’t get much sleep,” you sighed. 

“So, that’s why I received a text at two in the morning,” he laughed. 

“Yep, thought I might need to punch some shit around,” you said. 

“That’s what I’m here for,” he smirked. “Just don’t mess up the money maker.” 

“I’d never,” you joked. “On purpose, at least.” 

Over an hour later, you were drenched with sweat and your muscles were on fire. 

“Bloody hell, who pissed you off,” he said shaking his head. 

You sighed chugging down some water, ignoring his question. 

“Let me guess, boy troubles?” He asked. 

“How’d you know?” You said sitting next to him, wiping your face down with a towel. 

“I’ve had my share of ‘em,” he laughed. 

“I bet,” you laughed. 

“So, want to share?” He asked. 

“Let’s just say we’re experiencing our first fight,” you said. 

“Ah, the honeymoon phase is over,” he said. 

“I wouldn’t say completely over, just paused at the moment,” you said. 

“Well, punching the shit out of a bag and my hands, will help a bit,” he said. “But you know what actually will help.” 

“Sitting around a campfire and talking our shit out?” You scoffed. 

“Yes,” he laughed. “And then makeup sex, lots and lots of makeup sex.” 

“I take it you’ve had a fair share of that, too,” you smirked. 

“Yep,” he grinned. 

“I better get going,” you said. “I need to shower, change, and get to the office.” 

“And call the boyfriend,” he asked.

“At some point,” you said. 

**

Harry knew he fucked up as soon as you saw you walking out of the door. He knew he should have went after you, brought you back inside, and talked all that shit through. But he didn’t. He knew he should have called you, even texted you, to make sure you got home okay, but he didn’t. He tossed and turned in his bed all night. Your perfume still lingered in the air. 

Once the sun lit through his bedroom room, he decided to just get out of bed. He put on some jogger pants, his trainers, and a hoodie before making his way into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. He looked at his phone wondering if you had sent him anything, but there was nothing. Not that he blamed you. 

He needed to make this right, if there was ever a chance the two of you to come out of this still together. But first, he needed to clear his mind and to do that he needed to run. He put on some music, grabbed his keys, and headed out. Usually, he just ran a few times throughout his neighborhood, staying close, but that day he ended up running further and further away until he was standing outside of your office building. 

It wasn’t entirely too far from his house, but further than he had run one way before. He saw you from the other side of the street, walking up the street, and into the building. He fought the urge to walk over to you for two reasons. He knew talking about last night at your job was not good for either one of you and two because he really wished he could kiss you and make it better. 

After realizing he wasn’t going to actually do anything there, he decided to turn around and head back to his house. When he arrived back, he was dripping with sweat, after downing an entire glass and a half of water, he headed up to take a shower. He leaned his hands against the wall as he let the water rush over him. His mind wander to you and the situation again. 

He still didn’t know how to make this right, but he knew someone who could help him figure it out. 

By that afternoon, Harry had driven to his mother’s house, a few days earlier than planned. He hadn’t told her much, just that he wanted to be there a few days ahead of time. When she had mentioned you, he simply said it was because you couldn’t get off work, which technically wasn’t a lie. 

When he arrived, he brought his bags into his room, before meeting his mother in the backyard for some snacks. Harry grabbed some cookies to nibble on while his mother looked over at him. 

“What happened?” she said. 

“What? Can’t a loving son come and visit his mother without there being anything wrong?” He asked

“Normally, yes,” she said. “But you can’t hide anything from me. I can see it in your eyes that something’s up. Did something happen between you and Y/N?” 

He sighed, “We had our first fight last night.” 

“I can’t say that I didn’t see that coming,” she sighed. 

“Oh, but you and Gemma were just so sure we’re meant to be,” he rolled his eyes. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she said. “I meant that the honeymoon, fairy tale love phase doesn’t last forever. All relationships have shit they go though, it’s what makes them grow. You don’t have to tell me what happened in detail if you don’t want to, but I will say the one way this works out for you two is if you talk through it. The way you handle a fight or an argument is what will make or break your relationship.” 

“So, you’re saying coming up here was a mistake?” He asked. 

“No, I’m not,” she said. “What I am saying, is you should call Gemma and have her bring Y/N up, so you two can talk it out.” 

He sighed nodding. 

“Now, do it,” she said. 

“Yes, Mum,” he said. 

**

Everything happened so fast, you don’t even remember how you got in the car and was on your way up to Anne’s house. All you remember is Gemma calling and telling you to back a bag. Gemma could be very scary and persuasive when she wanted something. You figured it had to with what was going o between you and Harry and while you thought it should stay between the two of you, you knew she wouldn’t know anything about it unless Harry had told her. 

At least he was talking to someone about it. What you didn’t see coming was that she was driving you up to Anne’s house, which Anne knew something was up. You didn’t know how this would work between you and Harry if you needed other people to help you work out your shit, especially when it was your first fight. During the drive, neither your or Gemma really said anything. 

It felt awkward, but you really didn’t know what to say. You couldn’t exactly blame Gemma for what happened, but part of it was a little bit her fault. When you arrived at Anne’s house, you felt nervous, not sure what you were walking into. Either you would be able to work things out and move on, or things would be over before they even really started. And you knew you wouldn’t be able to handle the latter, especially when your only way back home was either with Gemma or Harry. 

Harry’s legs bounced up and down in anticipation as he waited for you to arrive. He wasn’t even sure how it happened, but Gemma was able to get you to come with her. He wasn’t sure how this was going to go or how you would respond to having to sort everything out at his mother’s house. God, he felt like a stupid, immature child, running to his mother’s house. 

What if you thought the same way, but surely if you did, you wouldn’t have agreed to come. He heard a car pulling up in the driveway and he knew it was you. Anne had already said she and Gemma would leave for a few hours, so that you two could work this through without an audience. He just hoped that things would get worked out. 

The backdoor opened and he turned around seeing you standing there.  

“Hey,” he whispered. 

“Hi,” you whispered back. 

“Um, do you want to have a seat? Want some water or something?” He asked. 

You shook your head, “I want to know why I’m here.” 

“Because you and I both know we need to talk about what happened last night,” he said. 

“And we couldn't have done that in London?” You said. “Or last night? You know instead of just letting me walk out, you had to drive up here and then have your sister bring me up here? What the fuck, Harry!” 

“I know! I know, okay, I fucked up,” he said. “Both last night and doing all this, but I just... I needed some time to think and I came up here to see my Mum, since I was already coming up soon anyway. We talked a bit and then I asked Gem if she could get you up here because I figured you wouldn’t come on your own.” 

“That’s pretty fucked up you know,” you snapped. “And the fact that you could talk to other people about last night, but not me, how do you think that makes me feel especially after you accused me of being the one to fuck up the relationship.” 

“I didn’t fucking say that!” He snapped back. 

“Yeah, well maybe not in those words exactly, but the imply was fucking there,” you said. 

“For fuck’s sake, I’m trying to make this better between us,” he shouted. 

“Well, shit isn’t going to get better unless we actually talk shit through!” You shouted. 

“Fine! Fine, if we’re going to talk, can we just stop yelling for five damn minutes!” He sighed. 

“Fine,” you said. 

“Good,” he responded. 

Both of you stood there trying to calm down for a bit. Harry ran his hand through his hair before looking back over at you. 

“Look, I’m sorry,” he said. “for everything, I know that’s not going to make everything go away, but-” 

“It’s a start,” you sighed. 

“I know,” he nodded. 

“Did you really mean it?” You asked. “Do you really think I would just forget about you and find someone else?” 

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” he sighed. 

You sighed walking closer to him placing your hand on his shoulder. The closer you got, you could see the hurt, worry, and tears in his eyes. 

“I like you,” you whispered. “A lot.. hell, more than I’ve probably liked anyone, this fast before. When I’m with you, I’m happy. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel stupid butterflies in my stomach. There is no one else that could ever make me feel like that and even if there was, I wouldn’t want them. I only want you.” 

“You say that now,” he whispered. 

“Yeah, I do,” you said. “And I’m going to say that tomorrow and the next day and probably in the next two months and beyond that. Neither of us know what’s going to happen the future, that’s why we have to trust one another and communicate with each other, we’ll be set.” 

He put his hands on your face, looking into your eyes, “I know I overreacted, but I just... the thought of losing you scares the shit out of me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I don’t want to lose how I feel whenever I’m around you or think about you.” 

“You’re not going to lose me,” you whispered. “Not unless you keep saying stupid shit,” you laughed a bit. 

He laughed a smile tugging at his lips before placing his forehead against yours, “And you’re not going to lose me, either. I’m not going to forget about you, I could never,” he whispered. 

“Well, I am pretty rememberable,” you smirked. 

He laughed, “A little bit, yeah.” 

“I think we both know it’s more than a little bit,” you smirked. 

“Does this mean we’re okay?” He whispered pushing hair away from your face. 

“It means we’re going to be okay,” you whispered. “I can’t just get over it and I don’t expect you to either, but this is a start that we need to get over it.” 

He nodded, “I’m sorry I made you come up here... If you want to go back to London, I’ll pay for you to go back.” 

“No, it’s okay,” you said. “I don’t mind staying unless you don’t want me too.” 

“I want you to stay,” he smiled. 

You nodded, “So, um... Gem said her and your mum were leaving for a few hours,” you said. 

“Yeah, Mum wanted to give us space to talk it out,” he said. 

“Well, we’ve only used about an hour and half for this conversation... so I’d assume they won’t be back for at least another hour or so, right?” You smirked. 

“I’d assume you’re right,” he said. “Where are you going with this?” He laughed. 

“Why don’t you take me up to the bedroom and find out,” you smirked. 

“Are you sure?” He asked. “We don’t-” 

“Oh, well, I mean... if you’re not hungry, we can just sit on the couch, watch netflix or something,” you said innocently. 

“Fuck that,” he laughed picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder. 

“What are you doing?” You laughed holding onto his shirt. “I could have walked.” 

“Just getting you used to this mode of transportation ,” he smirked. “Because you won’t be able to walk by the time we’re finished.” 

“That a promise?” You smirked. 

“Oh, I always keep my promises, babe,” he said. 

And with that you both went up to his the bedroom, where he fact, kept his promise, which would eventually make for an awkward family dinner later that night. 

**

Sooo... I’m thinking the next part will be the set up for him going on tour and then maybe having a second serious of them dealing with being on tour together... what do y’all think? 

[mikeyhatesit113]

forever and never: Chapter 8

“I like those new Lancers,” Janie says with a coy smile. She says she loves their appearance and really wants one.

I ponder her words for a moment and almost immediately come to my decision.

I’m going to go buy her a Lancer.

On the morning of, I drove her Corolla to work and right afterwards, I drove to the Mitsubishi dealership. After some perusing and brief haggling, the salesman says that he’ll see what he can do and give me a call.

It seems that he’ll have to do some negotiating with the banks due to my debt-to-income ratio, despite my great credit.

I go home, and not even 20 minutes later, he calls me back.

“Bring your $400 and the Corolla. Let’s go ahead with the trade-in.”

I drive a new Mitsubishi Lancer off the lot that day, and when I arrive home, Janie is ecstatic.

She has the car she really wanted, and I came through once again.

I feel happy that I’m able to make her happy. It’s what makes me feel good.

4 Months Later

I walk in the darkness back to our empty townhouse, the lights still on inside. It feels like a crime scene, and as far as I was concerned, it might as well have been one.

Her beautiful Lancer sits in the driveway, motionless and empty in the night.

Kelly and Dan greet me on my doorstep. After my phone call to Kelly about the mystery number, she and Dan decided that something was really wrong. Being they lived in the same development, they got ready and walked over as soon as they could.

“She’s gone,” I told them as their eyes searched me for answers.

“Where?” asked Kelly.

“I don’t know, but she’s with whoever’s phone number that was,” I said.

Kelly is horrified, and the usually hilarious Dan is lost for words. I can relate to both of them. But there was no time to cry and speculate, because I had done enough of that. I was certain this was the end, and I needed their help.

“Can you guys drive the Lancer to my sister’s house?” I asked. “Sure,” said Kelly.

If this was the end, I needed to remove the Lancer from her access, and I had the perfect hiding place in the gravel parking area at my sister’s.

Kelly followed my car in the Lancer as we drove to my sister’s. Dan sat in the passenger seat of my car, telling me that Janie and I were no good for each other. I needed to move on.

My heart sunk lower and lower as I listened to his words. I didn’t exactly value his opinion, as he was no perfect husband himself, but even still, hearing another human being pronounce your relationship dead is never comforting.

I hear Dan’s words, but my mind of course drifts off to Janie.

Who she’s with. Where they’re at.

What they’re doing.

We park the Lancer at my sister’s house, and I take Kelly and Dan home. After arriving back to my own home, I didn’t even attempt sleep.

It was 3:00am. The dead of night, but I’d have to wake up in less than 2 hours anyway. And if this was indeed the end, I needed to start the packing phase.

I didn’t know where I was going, but anywhere seemed better than where I was at. Janie and I had some nasty fights before, but nothing like what had taken place before her departure into the night. How could we ever come back from that?

I un-install the cable box and start boxing up DVD’s. In less than a half hour, the living area looks like a half finished room.

Before I knew it, it was time to get ready for work. I shower, dress, and step back out into the muggy Summer night. I drive to work, not knowing what the sunrise would bring.

At some point that morning, I spoke to Janie’s mom. “She’s with another man,” I told her. “Yeah, and I have an idea with who,” her mom says ominously.

She didn’t care to elaborate.

I went about my work duties like a robot without programming, completely on autopilot. I didn’t bother contacting Janie. Why should I?

Maybe that’s why I looked down at my phone later in the day and saw a MISSED CALL from her. My heart skipped a beat as the dread washed over me.

Was this an apology? Was this asking me when I’d be moving out? Was it her mystery man calling me to continue with his career advice he had so kindly provided the night before?

I called her back, and she answered.

“After work, do you want to talk?” she asked.

Her voice was no longer hostile and belligerent. It was calm, almost monotone.

“Sure,” I said.

After work, I drove home. But she wasn’t there. Instead, she was across the street, sun bathing in her mom’s backyard.

I walked over to her, and she laid there, looking up at the sky in her sunglasses.

“Where’d you go last night?” I asked immediately.

“He picked me up,” she said.

“Who” I asked, standing there as my heart pounded inside my chest. The questions that had tortured me over the past few weeks were about to receive answers.

“Shawn, my ex-boyfriend from high school,” she said. “I ran into him the day of your Sheriff’s test, and we exchanged numbers. Over the past few weeks, he was able to provide answers about the problems we’ve been having,” she explained.

“He was fair, and he was able to tell me how you were feeling,” she continued. “He’d even tell me when I was wrong,” she said.

“So, where did he take you last night?” I asked, trying to soak in the information.

“He left work and drove me to a hotel, and then went back to work,” she replied. “And this morning, when he got off of work, he came and picked me up and drove me to work.”

What a nice guy, I thought.

“How’d you pay for it?” I asked.

From what I knew, Janie didn’t exactly to have the disposable income to book one-night stays at local hotels. In fact, many times, she requested my debit card to go shopping.

“I paid in cash,” she said.

“Do you have a receipt?” I asked.

“No, I don’t,” she answered.

“But this morning, I told him that we can’t be friends anymore,” she said. “I told him that asking for his advice was wrong, and I need to work on my marriage alone,” she explained.

Amidst the practical disbelief in this story, as she couldn’t even provide physical proof of this hotel stay, a wave of relief did wash over me.

I wasn’t a piece of shit. She didn’t hate me. She wanted to work on us.

I didn’t have to find a new home, after all.

And just like that, I was back in it. I was ready to work on our marriage, too.

Another night of mystery without hard evidence of any scenario.

No evidence she cheated. No evidence she hadn’t.

Not Guilty.

“Can I have my car back?” she asked with a sheepish grin.

-------

The rest of the year finished without incident, although nothing was necessarily fixed. We had just swept the issues under a pretty rug, removing them from plain sight.

In fact, we started looking toward brighter horizons.

Possibly being homeowners, though we didn’t have pennies for a down payment on anything.

Possibly being new parents.

After Janie’s second child, she had gotten her tubes tied. In retrospect, she blamed Jay for that decision, and expressed resentment that he was able to have more children while she couldn't. However, as the years went on, we discussed the possibility of having child of our own together, and we looked into the tubal reversal process.

The doctor walked us through the process, and finished with the $10,000+ price tag. Quite a hefty price to pay for a procedure that could never guarantee a pregnancy.

But I was willing to try. Deflated, we left the appointment in separate cars, and I called a loan company that had recently sent me a “pre-approval” in the mail. The agent took my information and current expenses, but in the end, my debt-to-income ratio was too high.

If, however, she had approved me for a $15,000 loan, I would have absolutely went through with it and paid for Janie’s tubal reversal.

From a personal standpoint, I was no longer the fresh 20-year-old kid I started out as.

I was now 24 years old, and with some scars of my own now, I wasn’t as keen on celebrating our love story. Every year, we celebrated our 11/01/07 anniversary, but as the years went on, I began to feel more shame about that anniversary than I ever had.

Our 1 year wedding anniversary didn’t even feel genuine. We went to a Victorian-themed Murder Mystery weekend that took place in a Gettysburg hotel, and on Sunday morning, we exchanged gifts.

She gave me a Sons of Anarchy belt buckle.

I have her a pricey necklace, but she expressed dissatisfaction.

She even pointed out that I had not gotten her the $1600 Victorian ring she had been willing to trade her wedding ring in for.

Everything felt wrong, and now it seemed that my gifts were no good anymore.

In a slow build, the year went on and Summer came once again.

And so did the fighting.

No house, no baby, and now it seemed there could be no peace.

On top of the underlining distrust and mysteries of our relationship altogether, every little disagreement turned into a fight.

With so much spilled gasoline all around us, even the strike of just one match could incinerate everything around us.

The perfect birthdays were now even tainted, let alone the fact that I had missed Brock’s previous two due to these clandestine encounters.

James’ 10th birthday came around, and he was big into zombies that year. In turn, we bought him a zombie cake and I even dressed up like a zombie, roaming around his party and scaring his friends that were invited.

Later that day, my friend and I ran to the store to buy a fire pit for the evening, When we returned to the party, we were disturbed to find confused guests in the back yard, mostly members of my family.

“She took a bunch of people across the street to go swimming at her moms?” my aunt said as she packed up her things.

I apologized to the departing guests and as evening fell, Janie didn’t come back over. Instead, she conversed with one of her mother’s friends that had arrived in her mom’s back yard. He was an older man (ordinarily no threat), but she sipped her beers and listened intently to everything he had to say.

He was clearly enjoying the attention, and as I walked past her mother’s back yard, she looked over and smirked at my clear discontent over how the day had ended up.

My best friend watched me have an emotional meltdown in the house and had to stop me from packing up my things again that day.

Things were quickly spiraling out of control. Jealousy was rampant like a virus.

Too much damage had been done, and our freight train was threatening to derail at any moment. But whether it was the kids, or the comforts of home, or the fact that I unmistakably loved her...or all of the above...I couldn’t jump off.

But perhaps, July 4th would deliver the first of several fatal blows.

The day started off normally, but not long after we got our day started, it was clear that we were not going to be getting along that day.

The children were with Jay, and after a fiery argument, we parted ways from one another. She went to wherever she wanted to go, and I went with my best friend, abandoning our plans to go to the firework display with Bill.

SIDE NOTE: Bill, my groomsman and good friend, had since separated from his girlfriend Monica. Their infant daughter was caught in the crossfire of their rather nasty breakup, where they both tried to get Janie and I to testify that the other parent was unfit to raise their daughter. This would prove to be very important and critical.

I hung out with my best friend, Jose, and as usual, I didn’t hear a word from Janie all day. I gave strict instructions to Jose NOT to share my whereabouts with Janie. Odd as it may sound, but I had become wise to her strategy of requesting my location from other people. This would give her an idea of where I was, and give her clearance to do whatever she wanted to do, knowing I was not near her.

Consider it a way of tracking me, so to speak.

Night fell, and as Jose’s car sped along a major roadway, I saw a beautiful fireworks display in the distance. Aside from feeling numb, and I still felt enough to recognize the empty pang in my heart.

I knew things were broken...

We went to another friend’s house and played video games.

Unbeknownst to me, Janie texted Jose while we were at the friend’s house. As I sat playing video games and trying to enjoy myself, Jose was texting her that I was with him.

Janie knew who I was with, and now she knew how far away I was.

Hours later, I arrived home and crawled into bed with Janie. A toxic couple becomes extremely comfortable with having terrible fights and day-long arguments, but also crawling into bed together at the end of the day.

Maybe out of habit. Maybe out of the remanants of love.

Probably somewhere in the middle.

------

Over the next few weeks after July 4th, I saw more of Bill than I ever had. In his separation with Monica, we were sure to invite him over to our home for bonfires and little cookouts with other friends.

He’d show up alone. He’d show up with his daughter. He’d show up with a girl he was dating.

One night, I even noticed that him and Janie were missing from a party we were throwing.

“Where’s Janie?” I asked.

“Oh, her and Bill ran down to the store real quick for chips and dip,” someone replied.

...

I also noticed Janie coming home later than usual after work. Sometimes she’d have work meetings at a local bar and grill. Other times she’d want to stop by the mall, where she even brought me home a new pair of shoes one day.

In any event, things seemed to be drifting back into unfamiliar familiar waters, but I did my best to think positive.

Perhaps, things began taking shape one fateful night that I’ll never forget.

Weeks in advance, I scheduled for a few friends to come over and watch old home videos we filmed when we were younger. I didn’t get to see or speak to these friends as often as I would have liked, so it seemed like a great idea to get together and revisit our childhood memories. Janie was on board with this...until the day of.

After running morning errands that Saturday, we returned home and I was going to take a nap.

“Hey, is it ok if Bill brings his daughter over so I can see her?” asked Janie.

“Sure,” I said.

I knew how much Janie enjoyed kids, as she continued working in the field. She had since switched daycare centers to a more community-based childcare center for less money, but more career opportunities. I supported her all of the way.

I went to take a nap, and I woke up about 2 hours later close to the time I had wanted to wake up. I looked out of the window, and I saw Bill’s car parked out front.

Almost immediately, I heard heavy footsteps thundering up the stairs. The door burst open, and Bill came rushing in, laughing and hollering.

“Get your ass up!” he yelled with that signature goofy grin.

Bill was leaving shortly after, but Janie announced that she had invited more people over for a separate bonfire in the back yard. Her own guests included her parents, my uncle and his girlfriend, and Bill?

Bill asked me if I minded if he came back later. “Of course not,” I said.

My friends arrived soon after, and shortly after that, Janie’s bonfire got started in the back yard. After dropping his daughter off to his mother, whom he lived at home with, Bill returned to our house.

“This is Bill,” I announced to my friends. “He’s cool, he’s one of us,” I said, alluding to his personality that seemed in-step with my buddies and I.

But he didn’t choose to hang with my friends and I. He chose to attend Janie’s bonfire.

The two separate parties got underway, and I excused myself to the kitchen to get a drink.

As I poured myself a glass of iced tea, my uncle came in from the back yard.

“Hey Mikey, who’s that dude in the back yard?” he asked.

“Who?” I asked.

“The one who kind of looks like you,” he said.

“Oh, Bill,” I replied. “That’s one of my best friends, he was in my groom’s party.”

My uncle stepped closer to me, lowering his voice.

“Mike, watch him.”

From the living room, I hear my friends laugh hysterically at the television that showed another dumb stunt of ours.

From our youth. Such a simpler time.

Oh, fuck.

“Come again?” I asked.

“I’m not trying to stir anything up, but I’ve seen guys like him. Watch him,” my uncle insisted.

I chuckled uncomfortably.

“Mike, I’m serious. Whatever she wants, he does it. He's pouring her drinks. Putting more wood on the fire. He’s sitting right next to her, something isn’t right,” my uncle spoke.

“Mike! Come here!” one of my buddies yells from the living room, rewinding the DVD to the part he wants to show me.

My heart races. My stomach turns.

I chuckle nervously.

“Mike, I’m seri-” my uncle starts, but I cut him off.

“I know, I know,” I hiss. “Let me wrap this party up, and then I’ll be out to the fire,” I say.

I returned to the living room and sat with my friends. I laughed along with them, but in all honesty, I could not wait for them to leave my house.

I wanted them to continue thinking I’m doing well. I wanted them to continue thinking I’m happily married. I did not want them to even get a sniff of what was happening in my back yard.

And I did not want them to see what was going to happen next.

Mercifully, they announced they had to get home, and I thanked them profusely for coming. I was truly grateful. I watched them leave, waving merrily.

Now, I had a fucking bonfire to attend.

I went to the back yard and sat in a chair. Bill was seated next to her, and Janie looked disinterested at my arrival.

We chatted casually, but it felt like I had intruded on a party that I wasn’t invited to.

My uncle sipped his beer casually in his seat, trying to look nonchalant.

We played a game where we had to name the last person we’d talk to if we were dying, and what we would say.

Janie’s answer was Brock and James, and she’d tell them that she loved them very much and did the best that she could.

Bill’s answer was, “Ekim Pper! And I’d tell him, see you in hell!”

I didn’t get the joke.

Then, out of the blue, Janie asked Bill if he was spending the night.

I found this odd, as Bill had never spent the night before, and he wasn’t even drinking.

“I wasn’t going to, but I could?” replied Bill.

“Yeah, you could sleep in Brock’s or James’s bed,” she said.

I couldn’t resist myself.

“Or, you could shack up with my wife?” I offered.

Janie gave me a murderous look, Bill shifted uncomfortably, and Janie’s mom said, “Now, come on, Michael.”

The bonfire ended soon after. Bill didn’t use his “Spend the Night” card, and Janie’s parents went back to their house.

Only my uncle and his girlfriend remained in the kitchen with us, and I couldn’t wait for them to leave either.

There was a vicious fight brewing, and they were standing in my way. Janie and I sniped at each other, and my uncle’s well-intentioned anecdotes to defuse the tension were futile.

We were two caged lions, ready to rip each other to fucking shreds.

My uncle and his girlfriend left, and as soon as the door closed, we started in at each other. Venom and toxic poison filled the air. Words more powerful than fists, thrown at each other with reckless abandon.

Intent to maim. Intent to destroy.

This is who we were.

“You have problems!” I scream at her.

“Yeah, and one of them was marrying you,” she fires back.

“Fuck this, man, I’M OUT!” I scream.

I turn my back and walk across the kitchen to retrieve my keys. Behind me, Janie breaks into a sprint and launches herself at me, knocking me forward.

I wheel around, fury filling every pore of my body.

“Touch me again, and I’ll have your fucking ass hauled out of here in handcuffs!” I scream.

Would you believe me if I told you we somehow went to bed together that night?

Because we did.

Remember? Toxic couples, habits, broken shards of love, etc.

The next morning, we woke up pleasant enough. That night, I was performing amateur stand-up comedy at a local club.

Janie left the house that morning to go buy an outfit, and I left to buy a new shirt of my own.

That night, a bunch of my friends, family, and Janie gathered to watch me perform. Before the performance, Bill showed up and wished me well.

However, right before the show started, he abruptly left, citing a “babysitting issue”.

I took definite notice to Janie not caring at all about his departure, which was a stark contrast to the previous night’s events.

I performed my set, and it was one of my best sets ever. The crowd laughed when I wanted them to. My jokes flowed effortlessly. I felt on top of the world.

Janie seemed genuinely excited for me that night. Her eyes seemed to sparkle in the glow of the bar lights. She kissed me on the lips, hard.

“You did amazing!” she said to me, hugging me tightly.

I felt like I had my wife back.

The rest of my friends and family congratulated me, and I couldn’t have been higher.

Janie and I left the bar and went home. We fell asleep next to each other, feeling closer than we had in a long time.

I drifted off to sleep, knowing this feeling would resonate for days to come.

Or, that’s what I thought.

I forgot to turn my phone on silent that night, and when it rang at 2am, I was jolted from my deep sleep.

Groggy, I looked at the screen.

PRIVATE.

I figured it was one of my family members or friends still at the bar, trying to prank call me. I silenced the call and put my phone back on the bed stand.

A moment later, it rang again.

I looked at the screen, and this time, it was a number I didn’t recognize.

After I didn’t answer that call either, it was a moment before my phone made another noise.

A voicemail ping.

I clicked the voicemail icon and put the phone up to my ear.

My God.

“All last summer in case you don't recall, I was yours and you were mine forget it all. Is there a line that I could write, That's sad enough to make you cry? And all the lines you wrote to me were lies. Months roll past, the love that you struck dead. Did you love me only in my head? There were things you said and did to me, They seem to come so easily, The love I thought I'd won you give for free.”

Gin Blossoms “Found Out About You”

NOTE: Though this is my side of the story, including my own personal recollections and opinions, the reader should not consider this note anything other than a work of literature. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

[catlover7722]

Mondo Owada x OC: Differences

(I just got into Danganronpa recently and over all Mando has been my favorite character! I’m on Wattpad if you want to know more about my character, she’s in my Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc Rp book. Also feel free to message me if you want to Rp as well! I preferred if you did over Wattpad but on here is fine too! Also no spoilers, I have not watched any of the anime’s and I have not played V3 yet!!)

Italic is background stuff (feel free to skip over! I won’t mind!)

All character in this are 18+

Trigger Warnings!: Cussing, Angst, Major Character death, killing, talk about past neglectful/mental abusive home life, and a bit of suggestive conversation

SPOILERS ARE GONNA BE IN THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Hayami POV

Okay, today couldn’t get any worst. All I remember is my past and getting accepted into Hopes Peak Academy where every has a skill that makes them the best of the best. I am one of those students. I am known as the Ultimate Girlfriend, but of course that not my actual ultimate because no one needs to know what it really is. No one know beside me, not even him. Mondo Owada, a very angry yet respectful guy, was my childhood best friend and still is my best friend. He did not know because he’d just pity me about it.

I guess you all don’t know me that well so I guess I will tell you, if you even care. My name is Hayami Ahma, I was conveniently born on June 10th the day after Mondo’s at the very same hospital. You could say it was fate that we would have a perfect childhood together playing in the front yard but you’d be completely and utterly wrong. My parents never cared about me, just drugs and getting high every single night since I was three. I ran away multiple times when I was four after being taken away, taking hours to get to Mondo’s childhood home to see him, of course his parents would freak the fuck out but I didn’t care.

Social Workers would just come back and get me knowing exactly where I was. I stayed in a foster home with two foster mothers who loved all their foster children. They tried multiple times to adopt me but they were denied each time then they sent me to another home closer to Mondo’s house. These foster parents would call me weak, ugly, and unlovable. I heard that for five years until enough was enough and ran away when I was fifteen years old to his home. Around this time, Daiya was an adult and had a arrangement with them that I’d stay with them. That was the best day in my entire life.

Of course that didn’t last a long time, I started to date around freshman year to just feel love in a different way besides a family one. They all started to invite me to stay with them at their homes and I accept but I always stayed in touch with Mondo and his older brother. I often went to gang races and was flag girl once in a while. That when rumors started to go around with her and Mondo’s relationship being more than best friends. I definitely did like Mondo more than a best friend but I would never say that to him because of how close we were. I knew better to ruin this relationship.

Well one day, I got a late night call from him which worried me. I didn’t attend Daiya’s retirement ceremony because it was a three month anniversary day for me and a ultimate I was dating at the time. Mondo was sobbing and all I did was shot up from where I was sitting rushing to know what wrong. All Mondo told me was that Daiya was dead because Daiya got reckless in a race with Mondo. I immediately packed my things and moved back in with Mondo. I broke off the relationship I was in and focused on Mondo mental health with him. I just need him to be happy for Daiya and I.

During Junior year was gonna be a year I wanted him to thing about the future and his well being. I tried, like really tried, to help him confess to girls he liked. Of course, he got nervous and yelled at them. That bummed him out a lot and of course I had some fun ‘having chats’ with those girls. I maybe be short and petite looking but I work out with Mondo all the time. When you work out with him, it’s either go all out or get out. Then that’s when we got our letter from Hope Peak Academy. I was put down as my true Ultimate which made me hid my letter from him and anyone. That’s how we got here, how we got into this big mess.

*Couples hours later*

Mondo and I were in an empty classroom. I had to make sure he cooled off before we talked to anyone else. He just punched that Makoto kid into next year which was kinda dramatic on Mondo’s part. He paced back and forth cursing to himself as I sat there on the desk crossing my legs. He stopped and sighed “This is so fucking irratating! I don’t want to kill anyone!” He yelled. I nodded “I know, we don’t have to but we will have to worry about everyone around us too. I just trust you and only you until you give me a chance not to. I hope you can say that same thing for me” I said. Mondo sighed and puts his hand on his hips “Is that even a doubt? Of course I trust you. Both of us are in this together. We’ll get out together” he spoke. I slid off the desk and walked to the door “We play nice and get out of here without killing” I said and slid the door open “We both got a lot to fight for and more we need to do to get out of here” I added on then walked out. Mondo must’ve thought about it before catching up with me quickly.

*A couple day’s later*

I spent the night in Mondo’s room which wasn’t weird for us because we live in the same house and had sleepovers all the time so us in the same room wasn’t uncommon. Someone was pounding on the door when we woke up. Mondo woke up first annoyed that someone was knocking because I heard him groan. He was sleeping on the floor, that had a bunch of blankets on the ground so it was some what comfortable, next to the bed which is where I was sleeping, even though I told him I’d sleep on the floor because this was his room. Mondo got up and went to the door, I heard Taka voice boom through the room which make me jump awake. I looked over at the door to see Taka standing in the room almost petrified that I was there. I got up annoyed “What, Taka?” I asked. Taka tried to process everything “O-Oh I just was waking up for the Breakfast Meeting. Now I know why you didn’t answer your door! Do you both know this is unacceptable behavior?!” He yelled. Mondo sighed “Dude, we’re basically like siblings. We live in the same goddamn house” Mondo explained annoyed at him. I nodded “I need to get dressed. Excuse me” I said and pushed past them both going to my room to change into a new outfit so I could wash my other one.

After getting dressed, I got to the dining hall and sit down next to Celeste. Her and I have been hanging out a couple for times because Mondo was either annoying me or he was hanging out with Makoto, which was kinda weird but whatever. I listen to whatever we needed to talk about. We all finished breakfast and went are separate ways. I went to look around for Celeste totally forgetting where she said she’d be if I wanted to hang out for a game of card or something. I accidentally ran into Byakuya, he was way different then everyone there. He was arrogant, secretive, and just plain rude. He looked at me “You ran into me, how stupid can you be not to pick your head up?” He asked.

I looked at him kinda shocked he said that to me “Okay, well I was gonna say sorry but I don’t think you deserve that luxury Mr. The-Whole-World-Revolves-Around-Me. Talk to me like that again and I’ll knock your rich ass out” I said without hesitation then walked away. I could feel the angry in his eyes in the back of my head as I walked. I walked in the main hall and saw Celeste there. We sat down on the floor and she taught me how to play some non gambling games. She won every round we played but it was still fun. Night time came around and we all started to prepare for staying in our rooms. I was in the kitchen grabbing two apples for Mondo and I. I saw Sayaka come in then walk out which didn’t phase me. I was about to leave when a certain someone blocked my path

Byakuya was standing there against the door with his arms crossed “What are you doing?” He asked. I looked at him “Getting an apple for my friend and I. Do you care?” I asked sarcastically. He chuckled “Listen, I know your used to things going your way because of your talent but remember this. You’re nothing and will be nothing because your so insignificant. You will grow old, get uglier or fatter, and die alone with people who have no memory of you” he said to me with no hesitation. That hit very hard and close to home. I stood there then pushed him out of my way heading to Mondo’s room quickly and quietly. He was already in there sitting on a chair. He looked at me and got up.

I stood there shaking a little in anger. Mondo went to me quickly “You okay?” He asked worriedly. I stood there and nodded then sighed “Byakuya, he’s a jerk that’s all. Don’t worry about” I said calming down. I went towards the table but he grabbed my arm gently “What did he say? Don’t just shrug it off like you did back when you fiveteen. We both know your a bad faker” he said. I looked at Mondo in his eyes “I’m fine. I’m gonna stay in my room, lock your door” I said and takes his hand off my arm. He looked down at me and grabbed my free hand.

I looked up at him and he holds my hand tightly “Hayami I-I ne-“ he started to say then the announcement for nighttime came on. We both watched it until it turned off. I looked down and sighed “I need to go. We can talk in the morning” I said. Mondo lets go of my hand “Yeah, I’ll come wake you up. Lock your door for me please” he said. I nodded “Goodnight” I said.

I walked out and walked towards my room weirdly passing Leon going the opposite way. I looked back at him then looked forward. I quickly went to my room and locked it behind me.

*A few days after the first class trial*

Leon, Junko, and Sayaka were dead. It seemed like stuff were calming down. Well it was definitely tense but none of us were killing each other. I head towards the dining hall trying to find Mondo so we could go to sleep until I saw Mondo, Makoto, and Taka going into the bath house. Well, in reality it was Mondo and Taka dragging Makoto to the bath house. Curiousity took over me and I followed them into the bath house. I went in and saw Makoto standing outside the Sauna, with a worried expression, looking in the tiny window. I went up behind him “What are you doing?” I asked

Makoto yelped and looked at me “Oh geez! You scared me!” He said and I puts my hands on my hips then looked in the window. I widened my eyes seeing Mondo, fully clothed, and Taka, who was just in a bath towel, in the a very hot Sauna. I sighed almost in disbelief and disappointment “Those boys are idiots. Mondo can’t stand the heat as much as he says he can” I said and Makoto looked at me “O-Oh yeah, I keep forgetting that you and Mondo are like best friends. How was growing up with that?” He asked me. I looked at him “It was interesting, I won’t deny that but he’s not a bad guy. I had to adjust with his motivation of pushing yourself to your max but I love companion. I remember lifting more than him but that was only one time in the beginning of working out with him. I can’t now because of separate locker rooms. I wouldn’t want anyone else as my best friend” I explained it. Makoto nodded and we watch them

*Couple hours later*

I was sitting in Mondo’s room on his bed. I left them a few minutes after Makoto did. I sighed and got up about to go see if they were okay until Mondo came in all happy. I looked at him and crossed my arms. His hair was wet so guess he took a bath there after the Sauna with I was greatful of. I looked at him “Your lucky I didn’t come get you two. I would’ve kick both of your asses” I said. Mondo chuckled “Yea, sorry. We’re all good now. Why’d you stay up?” He asked as we both sat down.

“I was worried! You had it all the way it could go” I said. Mondo laid down his feet still on the ground “Don’t worry, besides Makoto and you go all buddy buddy with him” he said almost bitterly. I tsked and got up “He wanted to know what we were” I said and crossed my arms “Is that a problem?” I asked him. Mondo sat up “Actually, hell yeah it is! What if he’s planning to kill you or me?! How would you feel if I was dead?! Do you know how would I feel if you were dead?!” He yelled. I was thankful for soundproof rooms now because him yelling would wake up everyone. I glared “You have no idea how hurt I would be. I get we said we’d trust each other but I’m allowed to trust other people” I said angrily.

Mondo glared right back “Yeah, I just love seeing my best friend fucking around with dude’s who don’t give two fucks about her!” He yelled. I stood there and laughed painfully “Sorry they made me feel something I never had. I didn’t have a family who cared Mondo! Actually my parents wanted me fucking dead then actually gave a shit!” I yelled back “Don’t play that fucking card! My brother is dead and I fucking had him die my arms!” Mondo yelled right back. This yelling back and forth lasted for a while. Hurtful words left both are mouths until I ran out crying leaving him in his room crying too.

*Evening Time the next day*

Mondo and I avoid each other that day. I hung out with Sakura and Hina. Hina bugged me a lot but I didn’t mind because they both could feel that I was upset. I was sitting with Celeste and the two girls while Mondo was on the other end of the table with Taka and the boys except for Byakuya. I sat there picking at my food while the girls talked. I wasn’t that hungry and I could feel Mondo’s eyes on me but I had to ignore him. An announcement came on calling us all the gym. We all got up and went to the gym.

Monokuma had another motive for us. This was ones that was super good. Secrets or embarrassing memories would be revealed to everyone if no one killed in twenty-four hours. I opened my envelope and saw what he had wrote.

‘Hayami Ahma says she the Ultimate Girlfriend, but her true identity it the Ultimate Loner’

I widen my eyes. I stood there and immediately stuffed it on my pockets. I looked around as they said about sharing them all of them districted with each other. I snuck out and went to the girls locker room. I stayed there and ignored the announcement. I heard someone come in and I looked at them. I saw Hina there and she went to me. She sat down next to me “Hey, everyone is worried. They went to bed but I couldn’t sleep with you alone somewhere” she said. I saw she was holding a paper. I thought that was weird and I checked my pockets feeling my secret gone. I got up quickly “You were trying to steal my secret!” I yelled. She got up too “No! I found it on the floor and accidentally saw what was inside but I swear I didn’t share it!” She said and turned her back to me. Then everything went to a big blur.

*Few hours later*

It was morning. I was standing by the pool, my clothes wet. I did the unthinkable and I can’t remember. I fell to my knees cold from the water. I heard someone come in and gasp “Hayami!” The voice said. I looked and see Sakura running to me. She looked at me and looked at the pool. I looked at her “Someone tried to drown me, I passed out and woke up. A duffle bag is at the bottom of the pool” I said. Sakura nodded and heard Kyoko speak up almost like she had appeared “Let’s get it” she said. Then like right on cue, the body discovery announcement came on. Sakura widen her eyes and I got up “I’ll get it since I’m already wet” I said.

With no protests, I got in and dove under getting it. Sakura helped me pull it up and we look at it. At this time, Byakuya had came in and yelled at the boys to get the others and get in here. Once everyone got there, Kyoko opened the bag. There laying was Hina lifeless body. I stand there shivering until someone wrapped a towel around me which I knew was Mondo knowing that it was his hands. I started to cry and looked away. He held me tightly and we both left so the rest could investigate. I knew who did it, I was the blackened. I killed Hina because of the blind rage I had. I needed to just to make these last moments good or I’d leave this earth with many regrets.

Mondo and I got to my room. I changed while he waited outside of my room. We take my clothes to the laundry room so we could wash them and dry them. I sat down on the bench and looked down. He sat down next to me and we sat in silence for a bit. I looked down at my feet and tears up “Mondo, I’m sorry for what I said” I spoke up quickly. Mondo looked at me “I’m sorry too” he said and puts his hand on my knee. I looked at her and holds his hand gently “Mondo, I need to say something before it’s too late” I said and looked at him “What is it?” He asked.

I took a deep breath and looked at him “I like you a lot. Like more than a best friend. I know I said we were just best friends but I always wanted more than that” I explained. Mondo sat there with a blushing face and I looked away “That’s all, I understand if you don’t feel the same way” I added on. Mondo looked at me quickly “Hayami, I-“ he started then the announcement came on. The class trial was starting and we had to go. We both went to the door, I knew this was the last time we would hang out like this

*An hour later*

After a bunch of nonstop debate, they had pointed the finger at me. I stood there not saying much, Mondo argue with Makoto yelled and cursing how I didn’t do it. After that Makoto looked at me “Hayami, answer truthfully, did you kill Hina?” He asked. I looked up at him “Yes, I killed Hina” I said. People gasped and I sighed “Hina did nothing. I went in a rage and black out, I don’t remember anything. I did it” I said. Mondo stared at me in disbelief and I looked at everyone “Voting time, I guess” I said and smiled a little trying to hid the pain. Monokuma gladly let that happen and everyone voted. Monokuma laughed “You all right! Aoi Asahina was killed by Hayami Ahma!” He said. Mondo stood there angrily “Why?!” He yelled. I stood there then let out a breath

“I live in a sea of lies. I lie to get what I want or to manipulate all those around me. What I said to you in the laundry room was the first time I haven’t lied in a long time” I explained “Hina found out a lie I had inside myself and I lost it. That’s why” I added. I backed away from my place. Mondo started to tear up “T-That doesn’t explain anything! Your not a killer! What the fuck is this goddamn trial!” He yelled. I stood there and smile at him “I know but you will once your not blinded by who I was back them” I said “I guess it’s time for my punishment.”

Monokuma laughed again “Yes! I’ve prepared a very special punishment for Hayami Ahma, the Ultimate Loner!” He said then stood up smiling. Mondo watched me and looked at him “Goddamn it! Let her fucking live!” He screamed. Monokuma looked at him “Let’s give it everything we got! It’s Punishment Time!” He yelled. Mondo sobs there in front of everyone “Hayami!” He yelled.

Makoto’s POV

Monokuma dragged Hayami away to her punishment. Instead of us seeing it, it was on a screen. She was in a sorta vent. She seemed to be scared and at the end was a light. She widened her eyes and started to crawl towards it like something was there. I watch it thing I’d be fine but then as soon as she got close to it shut. Something shut behind her keeping her in place. She widen her eyes and it cut to the outside of it. Two lights were seen, a red and a green one that said on and off. It was off them it was turned on. The air started to vacum out and we all heard bang against the metal. It slowed down until it stopped completely.

We all stood there in silence until Monokuma turned it off and started to laugh “Wowy! What an exciting one! That took my breath away!” He said. Mondo was about to kill him right there before Taka helped him back with Sakura helping him. Mondo was definitely broken up about it. She lied to everyone about a lot but her last statement was undeniably the truth. That ended that trail and we all went back with the punishment on are minds. It was curel for anyone to go through.

[threadsoftheeasternseas]

unrelated but important (?) prsnl post interrupting the queue

gonna keep this short prior to the read more thingymajig but i’m going through some stuff personally and I need to write it down and it’s ofc nothing to do with sims but a whole lot to do with me and I feel like I’ll feel better if I write this down. feel free to skip over this and ignore any form of feelings outside of my pixelated people. 

[trigger warning: death/suicide/self-harm]

today and tomorrow (may 10th/11th) marks the four year anniversary since I tried (and almost succeeded) to commit suicide. it is a very surreal week for me to go through the past couple of years, and the distance of time from said event does not change the fact that it happened.

I apologise for the detail i’m about to go into but I feel it is needed for context of how bad my situation had got. (I know I do not need to justify my feelings and my mental health but I am going to explain anyway).

I was in my first year of university, 250 miles away from home, and I felt like absolute hell. I’d made a few friends in my hall, but obviously, this is May, I hadn’t known anyone for more than a handful of months, and talking about my mental health was a difficult thing for me to process. I’d only really mentioned I had a diagnosis of depression to a couple of the girls and they’d been as helpful as they could, given that sort of social situation. I’d let university life get the better of me during my first year. I went out drinking until I could barely walk 4 or 5 times a week, and I’d sleep with pretty much any guy that paid me attention. One guy I met during my first week was a very on-off friends-with-benefits kinda situation, except I wanted more and he wanted less. I spent the whole time at university trying to get away from the toxicity of this relationship and consistently getting drawn back in, to the point it ruined friendships I will never regain. 

By May I was in a state of sort-of seeing someone else, but it was quite casual. I’d told him I wanted us to be a “thing” but he was quite happy to keep sleeping with other people as well (story of my life) and one night when he saw I’d texted previous week-one twat that I never stopped going back to drunkenly, he got mad and we fought and whatever chance we had of becoming something solid shattered in a matter of minutes. It felt so unfair. He was allowed to hurt me and go off with other girls, so why wasn’t the openness he wanted allowed to be the same case on my side?

I never planned to do anything with week-one guy, I think all I’d done was ask if he’d got home safe (forever the mother hen). Who knows. All I know is that this argument sent me over the edge.

I’ve felt like shit about myself pretty much constantly since the age of 14 when I found my mum screaming about wanting to kill herself and then having a go at me for not being there for her when I’d run off terrified to call my best friend for advice.

Needless to say my mum doesn’t recall this period of our lives. (She’s in a much better place now - and she has been for a while. I can’t remember what was going on but I think she had just hit a low. She never did hurt herself nor really intended to, and she’s doing fine now.)

I’ve always been shy and less-than-confident of my own abilities, but this was the start of Literal Hell. I spent my last couple of years at school wasting away to the point that about 7 different people in one day asked if I was alright because I had begun to look rather grey-coloured. I was sleeping about 3 hours a night and eating one meal a day. 

Things got steadily worse and then better and then worse and slightly better then worse then even worser after that (is worser a word? idk).

I know this is all over the place but I need to write this down. Props to you if you’ve got this far.

BACK TO THE STORY. After argument with said sorta-seeing-but-not guy, I took myself back to my room. (key point here: I was pretty hammered. The clubs around my uni sold very cheap drinks (the north of england is great for that), and I was still in my first year phase of drinking so much I couldn’t see). 

All I can kind of remember in that moment was that I felt like such a waste of space; that all I did was hurt the people I cared about, that I didn’t matter, that everyone would be better off without me.

I’d somehow become mildly addicted to painkillers over the year, without really realising, and in my darkest moment, I took a huge overdose. 51 painkillers to be exact. (Who knows why I had that many anyway). All I could think was I didn’t want to be alive any more. I didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I didn’t want to ever have to wake up again.

I spent the next day vomiting my guts up as my body desperately tried to get rid of the damage I’d already done to myself.

It was around 4pm when I had finally not vomited for about an hour and decided that maybe I should go take myself to hospital and see someone.

I will never be more grateful for something I’ve done for myself than this in my entire life.

When I got to A&E and awkwardly explained I’d had an overdose and needed to speak to someone, I got seen pretty quickly. Turns out 51 tablets that all contained paracetemol and half of them also with codeine, I was a pretty high priority case. 

I spent the next five days hooked up to an IV having medication to stop my liver from failing, and blood taken every hour. I vomited for six hours straight that first night. But I knew that deep down, no matter how awful I felt, I’d made the right decision to go there.

Nothing will ever be as hard as finding the strength to call my parents in the middle of the night to tell them what I’d done and where I was. Nothing will ever prepare you for how broken that makes you feel. Or when your mum arrives the next day, hotel and travel booked as soon as she could and time taken off work and tears streaming down her face. I will never forget the look on her face when she saw me in that hospital bed that day.

The nurses told me if I’d come to the hospital a few hours later that my liver wouldn’t have made it. I would’ve succeeded. My whole body would’ve shut down soon after. I would’ve died.

I had to find the strength to talk to crisis team therapists and tell my flatmates what I’d done and why I wouldn’t be around for a few days, and then trying to tell university why I needed mitigating circumstances to take an exam at a later date because sorry but I’m in a hospital bed in pyjamas that smell like vomit that I haven’t changed out of in a week. 

I’ve gone on a really long-winded way of telling this story, but the point is: today and tomorrow mark the four year anniversary of this happening. It’s painful to think that I still feel like this sometimes, but it’s also encouraging to know I haven’t stooped that low since. I’ve been close, many times. But I haven’t fallen back down that road again. 

I may not feel stronger, but I know I am. I’ve found the strength to talk about my mental health, instead of covering it up. I barely drink any more, and I will only take painkillers if I’m suffering from a migraine. I haven’t cut myself in two years.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come but also of how far I am also willing to let myself go. I know I will fight this, even if I spend the rest of my life doing so.

thank you for reading if you read this whole way and please, someone be crying too because I sure as hell am

[marsbarsthereal]

Happy 10th anniversary to Morning Phase a.k.a. the album that put me to sleep at 1AM. I am very grateful for it.

Beck in Kyoto, Japan in 2007

Photos by Autumn de Wilde

A photo from this shoot was used for the cover of Beck's Morning Phase.