#happens every fredas

[joznii]

your honor but riverwood is my favorite soap opera

[fortisfilia]

Promised Part 9 - Tom Riddle x reader

Info: This is a rewrite of a story I've posted on my old account years ago. If it sounds familiar, that might be why :)

Summary: In this story, Tom didn't grow up as an orphan, but with his grandfather and uncle. Reader's sister got very sick and the Gaunts offer their help. But not without asking for something in return.

Warnings: Arranged marriage

Word count: 3.4k

Masterpost | Masterlist | Part 8 | Part 10

Part 9 - Never trust a Snake

Tom’s dorm was the nicest one you had ever seen in Hogwarts. Single bedrooms were offered to head boys and girls only, as a further reward for their title. His room was the size of a normal five-bedroom, but instead of additional beds, it was furnished with a welcoming couch, a nice wooden desk and chair, a fireplace and overall much more space. It wasn’t located next to the other dorms either, which had its virtues and disadvantages. The good thing was that you didn’t have to walk through the hallway of all the Slytherin boys’ dorms to get there. The bad thing was that Tom’s room was right next to Freda’s, so you had seen her a couple more times than you had wanted to. She had never said anything though and usually stomped off right away, brows knitted and red in the face.

Tom had ordered you to his room the day after Slughorn’s party, which was a privilege not many students were granted. Maybe not that much of a privilege if one was engaged to him. But it certainly felt special when you thought of it from where you had started, as a fiancée that he hadn’t even proposed to, who he wasn’t even in love with when the engagement took place. It also felt like he wanted you to be there. He let you study there even when he had to attend to his duties as head boy, which took up quite a bit of his time.

And then there was the Moly. A magical flower, used to counteract enchantments, that Professor Beery, the Herbology teacher, had given to pairs of students to take care of. They were weakest the last days before blooming and needed tending multiple times a day. It was a tricky task to keep them alive, so Beery had promised to give everyone who could manage it extra points for the Herbology N.E.W.T.s in advance. 

Tom had suggested keeping the Moly that had been given to the two of you in his room, as it would increase the chances of keeping it in good condition, seeing that no one else could get their fingers on it. Even though the plant looked quite healthy, he insisted on your help to look after it, as he was not willing to share points if you wouldn’t. So you had come to his room every day, only for the Moly of course.

Other times, when you were just reading or writing another Charm’s essay there, Tom used to stay nearby. He didn’t talk much, as per usual, and rather stared at you from across the room, but the fact that he never told you to leave and always asked when you would come back, for the Moly obviously, made it quite clear that he enjoyed your presence.

And you did too. So much that you had even spent the night accidentally. Accidentally, as in, you had stayed up way too long reading and making notes in your Guide To Advanced Transfiguration textbook, had really, absolutely, doubtlessly planned to go back to your own dorm, but couldn’t be bothered to get up from the sofa until you had finally fallen asleep. 

You woke up in Tom’s bed, not remembering how you had ended up there and sat up slowly, looking around, until you noticed him sitting on the edge of the mattress.

“Have I overslept?” you asked, hastily fixing your hair and rubbing the sleep out of your eyes.

“It’s Saturday,” Tom answered, grinning at your attempts to get up. “8 a.m. You can sleep a bit longer if you want.”

“Oh, Saturday, yes. How did I… What happened last night?”

“You fell asleep on the couch. It didn’t look comfortable, you were all sprawled out and twisted. So I put you into bed.”

You swallowed thickly. He had put you into his bed? 

“Did you-”

“No,” Tom shook his head. “I took the couch.”

“Noble,” you quipped, causing him to roll his eyes at you. “Why can’t I remember how I got into bed?”

He shrugged as he turned to face you. “You slept through it. I wasn’t aware that was possible either.”

Oh. An image of Tom picking you up from the couch and carrying you across the room flashed through your mind. He must have tucked you in too; the heavy duvet was still wrapped around you. “Come here then?”

Tom looked at you, scepticism thick on his features, before you reached out for him, holding a hand in the air and waiting for him to take it. He did and you slowly pulled him closer, lifting the duvet, until he lay down next to you. Cautious fingers went up to his face and ran through his hair, to which he closed his eyes, letting you play with his locks for a while. 

Now that you were fully aware of where you were, you noticed how different Tom’s linen smelled compared to your own. They had his clean, warm scent, of tangy embers dying in the fireplace, mixed with leather and something fresh like dewy iron. The scent had rubbed off on you while you had slept there and it felt like he had marked you, without even coming close.

“You didn’t have to sleep on the couch,” you whispered.

His eyes opened again. “You were completely knocked out. That would have felt off.”

“Well, for next time then,” you smiled, took his chin between your fingers and pressed a kiss to his mouth. The touch was still unfamiliar, a great deal of uncertainty as to whether he would reciprocate spreading in your veins. But he did, soft lips meeting yours, lingering as he exhaled and parting only in reluctance. “We’re engaged after all. Have you forgotten?”

“Oh piss off,” he scoffed and pulled you in for another kiss.

Some hours later, when you were tending to the Moly, you looked over towards the fireplace, where Nagini was sleeping in front of. At least you assumed she was sleeping. Her eyes were open and her tongue flicked out of her mouth now and again, but she seemed calm. She had curled up like a cat seeking warmth. The only thing missing was for her to start purring. Well, a pet was a pet, you figured.

“How’s the Moly doing?” Tom asked and went up to inspect it.

“Good. Great actually,” you said. “I think we’ll earn those extra points from Beery.”

“Don’t you think it looks a bit sickly?” he asked, holding the thin black stem between his fingers.

“No, it’s alright.”

He uttered a humph. “You don’t have the book on you, the one I gave you for Christmas, do you?”

“No, it’s in my dorm. Why would you need that now?”

“Have you read through it? All the way?”

“No, I haven’t yet. I just flicked through it and read some recipes that sounded interesting,” you answered, not knowing what he had in mind. “I wanted to try one of the Potions after we’re done with school. They all seem to take a while.”

“Which one?”

“The Vial of Auras for starters. Why?”

He nodded, still looking at the Moly. “I think there’s a recipe for plant cultivation in there. Could be of use.”

“But it looks fine, why-”

He turned his face toward you, looking into your eyes. “Just bring the book next time.”

“Okay,” you muttered. “I can bring it tonight. I’m going out to Hogsmeade with Camille in the afternoon. I’ll be back around 7 I guess.”

“That’ll do,” he said, finally sounding satisfied.

It was five minutes past seven when you returned to Tom’s room. The date with Camille had been lovely, despite you having had one too many toffees at the sweet shop. You had also gotten the Potions book from your dorm, still wondering why the Moly would need extra support. It looked completely fine. 

Tom’s room was empty, aside from Nagini, who had curled herself around one of the bedposts. You walked over to the desk where the Moly was standing and put the book down. Next to the plant lay a handwritten note:

“Coming back soon - Dippet needs me for head boy duties”

Killing time it was, then. You took Tom’s Charms book from the stack and practised a few spells for a while, trying to revise those that would most likely be tested in the N.E.W.T.s. About ten minutes later, the door opened and Tom entered the room. He dragged his feet as he shuffled in and was slightly out of breath.

“Are you alright?” you asked while putting the Charms book away.

He nodded. You walked over and took a seat on the couch, patting the space next to you for Tom to join you.

“I brought the book,” you said and pointed towards the desk.

Tom sat down, looked at it from afar and squinted. “Thanks.”

Slightly concerned, you frowned, “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Tom nodded and scratched the side of his face. “Yes, yes. I’m just a bit tired.”

Tired wasn’t exactly what you would have described the state of him. He seemed nervous and completely out of it, his shoulders hanging down limply. 

“Did something happen? What did you have to do for Dippet?”

His eyes roamed the floor while he pondered. “Nothing important. Just some scheduling for the prefects.”

Something cold rubbed against your foot and when you looked down you saw Nagini, who had slid over. She was on the floor between you and Tom, hissing quietly.

“What does she want?” you asked.

Tom stared at Nagini vacantly and didn’t answer.

“Tom?” 

“Hm?”

“What is she saying?”

“She’s hungry.”

“Hungry? We’ve just fed her recently. Strange,” you said and bent down to pat her head. “I’m going to get you some more mice soon, don’t worry.”

Tom’s gaze roamed the room as if he was looking for something.

“Do you want to take a look at the book now? For the Moly?” you asked.

“No,” he answered. “Actually, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Go ahead then.”

“You remember the day we got engaged, right?”

“Of course. Why?”

“Well, it was an arrangement between our families,” he stated. 

“Yes?”

“So I was wondering… What’s in it for you?”

Your stomach dropped. What did he mean ‘what’s in it for you’? Your sister’s curse was the most evident thing in this whole situation.

“You know exactly what’s in it for me,” you said while folding your arms. “Actually, I could ask you the same thing. Don’t tell me you forgot why we’re doing this.”

He took a moment to think before answering. “Of course I haven’t. I just thought there could be something else. Like, perhaps your parents bribed my family.”

You blinked, irritated. He had not just said that.“Are you serious right now? You’re suggesting my parents took advantage of the situation, went and killed two birds with one stone? So that they could marry me off and make me your problem?”

He stared into your eyes for a moment, then retracted. “No, I didn’t mean-��

“Because I’ll have you know, my family would never do such a thing,” you interrupted him. “I know yours probably would, but my parents are not like that, believe it or not. I thought you knew that by now.”

“I was just wondering. No need to make a fuss about it.”

“A fuss! You know what?” you said and got up from the couch, making sure not to step on Nagini. “You sound exactly like Ben. Only more rude. And I thought you didn’t trust him. But it seems that you don’t trust me either all of a sudden.”

“Wait, I’m sorry,” Tom said and followed you. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“We’re done here,” you snapped, making your way to the door, followed closely by Nagini, until Tom grabbed your hand.

“Don’t leave now,” he said, pulled you in a bit closer and a whiff of cologne wafted your way. He reeked of sweat and coughed so loudly you thought he might throw up any moment.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Tom,” you answered, your hand still in his. “Maybe you have a cold coming on or something because you don’t seem like you’re in your right mind. Now let me go.”

“No,” he said but turned his face away from you.

Suddenly the door flew open and you sucked in a sharp breath when you saw who it was. Tiernan Lestrange. And next to him was... Tom? Standing in the door frame, his eyes darting back and forth between you and… You looked to your left, to the person next to you and saw that Emlyn Avery was standing in Tom’s place, still holding your hand.

You wrenched your hand out of his grip and took several steps backwards.

“Avery?” you asked. “What is going on?”

Tom, the real Tom, still stared at you, a fire burning behind his eyes as he pulled out his wand and dashed into the room. Lestrange followed and closed the door behind himself.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Tom demanded, glaring at both Avery and you.

Avery kept silent, a nasty grin forming on his face.

“He… You,” you stammered.

“You two? In my room?” Tom yelled, his chest heaving. “You must have lost your damn minds.”

“I can explain.” Could you, really?

“Well, I hope you can. Taking Avery into my room to do who knows what? Care to explain that?”

“He was you!” you said, only then noticing how crazy you must have sounded. 

Tom shot you a look that told you better not to take him for a fool. His thoughts must have raced at top speed inside his head, you could practically see him thinking. His eyes scurried from your hand to Avery’s, then up to his face. His knuckles had turned white from how hard he clenched his fists and he couldn’t seem to stand still. What would his next move be? Beat Avery to a pulp, curse the two of you, or rush out of the room?

“Please,” you whispered. “Let me explain.”

Tom sighed and avoided looking at you. He shook his head as if he was fighting an internal battle against himself. It almost looked painful. Finally, he went up to Avery, pointing his wand right below the boy’s chin.

“Sit down,” Tom spat. “You too Lestrange! And I don’t want to hear a single word from either of you.”

They did as he said and Tom led you to the other side of the room, followed by Nagini. He cast a Muffliato Charm on the two boys so that they wouldn’t be able to hear what you had to say. 

“Go on,” Tom then said, still avoiding eye contact.

“I came here around seven, as we agreed. I brought the book but you weren’t here. Then I saw your note on the table and waited for you. You, I mean Avery, came in shortly after. But he looked exactly like you. Just until you showed up right now. I swear to Merlin.”

“What do you mean he looked like me?” Tom asked, an annoyed frown on his face.

“He looked and sounded just like you. I thought he was you. He acted weird and I didn’t trust him, but I thought you were just stressed out. The only way I could possibly explain this would be Polyjuice Potion.”

“You don’t really think one of them would be able to brew that correctly, do you?”

“I don’t… But how else would it be possible? You have to believe me. I would have never brought him here. Or anyone.”

He looked at you now, so intensely, it felt like he was reading your thoughts, trying to see if you were lying to him. “Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know,” you answered and gave it a good thought. “He asked me about some things. About the engagement. Maybe he was trying to convict me. They haven’t trusted me ever since the school year began, remember?”

Tom nodded and exhaled strongly, walking in circles around you.

“Did he touch you?” he asked.

“No. He just held me back when I wanted to leave. Just my hand, nothing else.”

“Are you sure? Don’t lie to me. If he touched you, I swear I’m going to-”

“No. He didn’t.”

Silence. Nagini's quiet hisses interrupted your thoughts while Tom watched her.

“Why was Lestrange with you?” you asked.

“He came up to me when I was done at Dippet’s. Tried to babble on for ages about assignments.”

“That makes sense. So you wouldn’t disrupt their plan.”

“What did Avery ask you exactly?”

“If my parents had bribed your family. So we would get married.”

“Idiot.”

“That’s what I thought too.”

Tom eventually stopped circling you, placed himself beside you and you both watched Lestrange and Avery sitting next to each other on the sofa. They didn’t dare look back at you and simply stared down at the floor like two ten-year-olds waiting for their parents to punish them.

“Oh, and another thing,” you said. “Avery stinks.”

Tom, to your surprise, stifled a laugh. That was unexpected, so you turned to him and asked, “Do you believe me?”

“Yes,” he said. “I do.”

He did? You looked at him, taken aback.

“Nagini,” Tom said to you, taking both your hands in hiss. “She’s your witness. She confirmed you’re telling the truth.” 

“Good girl,” you said, to which she offered a small his. You really had to get her some more mice. 

Closing the gap between you, your arms wrapped around Tom’s neck and pulled him close. With his hands firmly on your waist, he rested his head in the crook of your neck for the duration of the embrace, breathing you in. 

“Thank you for letting me explain,” you said, your voice muffled against the fabric of his jumper.

Tom nodded, pulling back to look at you. He brought his hand to your cheek, his eyes still alight from the argument. “When Avery held your hand I nearly killed him.”

“I know,” you whispered as you laid your hand upon his. “I saw it in your eyes.”

He pulled you back into his arms and sighed deeply. The hug lasted for a long moment before you separated, almost having forgotten that the two Slytherin boys were still there.

“Now, what were they thinking?” you asked. “What point were they trying to prove?”

“Let’s ask them,” he said, broke the Muffliato Charm with a swift motion of his wand and walked over towards the couch.

“I’m going to ask you some things,” he said to them. “And don’t you dare lie to me. You know I can tell. You’re lucky you caught me on a good day, actually.”

They both nodded.

“Polyjuice Potion?” Tom asked.

Avery looked over to Lestrange. They both nodded again.

“Where did you get that from?”

“Stole it from Slughorn,” Avery mumbled so lowly, you could hardly understand.

“Speak up!” Tom ordered.

“We stole it from Slughorn’s stock,” Avery repeated. “At the party, when everyone was dancing.”

Tom sighed and pinched the skin on the bridge of his nose. Of course they hadn’t brewed it themselves. They were far too daft.

“Why?” Tom went on. “What’s the reason for all that?”

“Well,” Lestrange cleared his throat. “We were only doing it for you, Tom. To make sure she’s not betraying you. To find out if she and her family were using you, you know.”

“So we could help you,” Avery added and nodded vehemently.

Tom grinned coldly. “And you thought I wouldn’t have found this out myself by now? That I would need your help? Seriously?”

“We thought-”

“No! You didn’t think at all,” Tom interrupted. “You went behind my back, stole from a teacher and disrespected my fiancée. You’re both an embarrassment for Slytherin and I swear, if I ever see one of you just looking her way, it’s not going to end this lightly.”

Both of them nodded again and looked down onto the floor, not saying anything.

“Now follow me,” Tom said, still angry with them.

“Where are we going?” Avery asked as he got up.

“I’m going to report you to the headmaster of course. And trust me, you’ll be glad Dippet is going to choose your punishment and not me.”

Masterpost | Masterlist | Part 10

Tags: @ariachaos

[froody]

My Aunt Louise was married to my Uncle Larry (who is my paternal grandmother’s big brother) and they were married pretty young so she watched my grandma grow up and they were friends. Uncle Larry cheated on her with this woman named Freda and divorced Louise for her way before I was born. Anyway, we all decided we liked Aunt Louise way more than Larry and Freda so she comes to every Thanksgiving and Christmas and sometimes Easter and Larry and Freda have both died but Aunt Louise is like 75 and still gorgeous and still going and that’s what happens when you’re unproblematic.

[dirty-bosmer]

The very talented @sheirukitriesfandom came up with this writing game. Thank you so much for the tag! I'm finally recovered enough from my trip to take a stab at all the tag-games I've missed. It was both nice and a bit challenging to revisit my old works. Forgot a lot of what I had written, honestly 😅

Tagging: @atypicalacademic @justafoxhound @elavoria @kookaburra1701 @nuwanders @thequeenofthewinter @skyrim-forever @gilgamish @chennnington @throughtrialbyfire @thana-topsy @mareenavee @paraparadigm @ladytanithia @nine-blessed-hero @wispstalk @sylvienerevarine @expended-sleeper

And as always no pressure if you're not feeling it. Also consider yourself tagged if you see this and are interested in joining in :D

The rules are to share:

A line from your fic that makes you laugh

lmao I don't think humor is a strength of mine, so I combed through very briefly and pulled at the first thing I saw that made me snort.

Mathieu swore he'd had conversations of more substance with mudcrabs while five brandies deep, and yet it always fascinated him how little his Speaker could say in so many words.

(from The Illusionist Part 2)

A line from your fic that makes you sad

If she could hold the quill steady, she would write it ten times over. She’d say, I miss doing nothing with you, being nothing but with you. If nothing were as blissful as those hours spent beside you, perhaps I wouldn’t fear it so.

(from The Illusionist Part 2)

A line from your fic you're proud of

The Midyear sun blazed high and proud above Kvatch. Below, the city scrambled on. Another Midyear, another Middas. Magnus rose, its ascent resolute.

(it's actually the first line of The Illusionist Part 1, and it has surprisingly remained unchanged since my first iteration of the fic??? Unfathomable to me lol)

A line from your fic you think could have been better

Only one? 😅 Truth is, I'm perpetually editing old chapters, so I could pretty much insert the entire series of The Illusionist here.

A line from your fic that makes you want to punch a character

Lucien gurgled or perhaps chortled, then spat out a mouthful of blood. “I thought you preferred silence, dear Sister.”

(Lucien sucks so baaaaddd and I get progressively meaner to him, sorry. Kinda hate what I've done to him, but he is a loser and someone has to bully him, and the burden so happened to fall upon me 🤷‍♀️)

A line from your fic that makes you go 'aww'

Nim's hair draped around his face, shielding him from the dancing flames of the brazier, and when Raminus closed his eyes, she was the only light that existed in all of Mundus, brilliant and blinding. 

(Crying about my nerd Raminus Polus, what's new.)

A line from your fic that's full of symbolism

The shop windows taunt him from his periphery, but he will pass one hundred more if that’s what it takes to prove his presence. His footfalls are heavy. He persists, learns how to walk again, how to exert his body upon the world if only to feel it press up against his feet. 

(From Treacle)

A line from your fic that contains an Easter egg

“If we’re such pious servants, then why does Nana always speak of the Daedra as though she drinks with them every Fredas?”

From Slither and Writhe. It is referencing an OC of mine so idk if its really an easter egg, but I just think it's funny how the protagonists in TES games go about collecting daedric artifacts like they're halloween candy.

A line from your fic that's shocking

And if her mother had only been more inquisitive about her work, she’d know the difference between the stench of decay and fouled wounds and that of flesh mending itself together beneath fresh stitches and salves that Sylawen lathered on diligently with deft fingers everyday.

(from Slither and Writhe. A lot of lines in that fic are kind of er... gross 😅 It is about a necromancer, after all)

A line from your fic you want to talk about more

Abrim is gilded in the torch flame. Every part of him is a different shade of brown such that Scar-Tail needs only look at him in flickering light to feel he’s travelled all of Tamriel’s woods, seen every kind of tree there is.

Ramble time. While trying to describe this character, I was thinking of my uncles, how dark their complexion, how different the shades of brown are in their skin, their eyes, their hair. Growing up as a latina I used to find brown so boring and so common because I was preoccupied with a set of beauty standards that women in my community paraded about, only to realize they were full of internalized colorism :D Anyway, that was a decade ago, and there's this line I remember reading, and I have no idea where from— somos el color de la tierra, we are the color of the earth, and I think more people should be romanticizing brown because it's so diverse and so beautiful 💕

[harrisongslimited]

George Chapter of the Day #7

I Saw Her Standing There

Trigger Warnings: Swearing, adult situations, slow romance brewing, smoking.

Thank you to picture owner.

Chapter 7

The weeks flew by. Shooting was done, and the concert was scheduled for the following Friday. Joie was constantly on the go. Out to the pubs with Freda. Lunch with Cyn...and George took her everywhere...or anywhere she wanted to go. The more time she spent with him, the closer they became.

Joie woke to the sounds of the ever-constant chirping birds outside her bedroom window at Freda's. The night before, she and George laughed the night away, sharing fish and chips and a beer, at a little dive he frequently visited.  She even tried eating fish for George's sake, but one chew turned into a huge gulp, Joie shaking her head furiously, her hand signaling that she still wasn't a fish fan. The chips were good though, so she filled up on those.

When Joie finished her beer and was about to explode chips all over the sidewalk, George took her hand and walked her back to the car.  His hands were delicious. Strong, Gentle. She thought about her feelings for him, but she knew she was leaving in another couple weeks and figured not much could really happen between them. He was...well, a Beatle. She was just Joie.

From Freda, Joie began to learn about managing a wildly popular rock band. Freda was almost on her own, opening mail by the hundreds, sorting what belonged to who and what should be pitched into the trash. One Saturday, Joie offered to help Freda when she needed to go into the office to catch up.

Freda hugged her. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" she replied.

..........

 Joie was stunned by the amount of mail. Thousands came in every day. Thousands of pieces of mail. Asking for autographs, asking for locks of hair, asking for a Beatle to come to a birthday party. And things came in by the hundreds. Panties, bras, teddy bears, pillows. Handmade gifts.

"My Lord, Freda. What do you do with all this stuff?" Joie asked. "How can you possibly answer all this mail?"

"The boys help when they come in. Sign special things, do things for me. They are all very good about that. They really care about their fans."

"But this..." Joie pointed to the thousands of letters.

"I know" Freda answered, wiping her forehead. "At least I have a staff now. Before it was just me. We still don't have enough people to help. I talked to Brian about it. We need more help."

"Well, you've got an extra pair of hands today, Freda. Tell me what I can do." Joie said, rolling up her sleeves.

Freda grinned. "You don't know what you are getting yourself into...."

Joie touched her arm. "I'm ready. You name it."

"Well, just start opening mail. Requests for signed pictures go in this pile. People who want to be part of the fan club go in this pile. Ridiculous requests go in that pile. The sexy ones and requests for a Beatle baby go into the garbage. Don't have time for that nonsense. There are plenty of honest, caring fans who need our attention."

"Got it," Joie acknowledged.

"And for Lord's sake, watch out for paper cuts!"

Joie laughed.

Brian did not. He stood at the office door and surveyed his kingdom. "And Miss Kelly, when did we get more help without my knowledge?"

"Oh, Mr. Epstein, this is Joie Armagh. She's friends of the boys who is staying with me. Remember....California?"

Joie remembered the weak handshake but still extended a hand.

"Hi Mr. Epstein. Nice to see you again."

Brian nodded at her and weakly shook her hand. "But why is she working?"

Freda's eyes darted from Joie to Brian and back again. "Oh, she's just opening letters. Just to help. She came into the office with me today to volunteer her time."

"Nice to have you, Miss Armagh, but you will have to leave. There are confidential matters being conducted here and we can't have strangers in the office."

His cool smile made Joie grimace. Joie tucked her short hair behind her ears and stood up straight.  "Absolutely, I understand," she said in agreement. "I will be leaving immediately. I didn't mean any harm."

"I'll meet you for lunch," Freda told her softly. "Barney's across the street. 1pm."

"Got it!" Joie said as she collected her purse and made her way out of the North End Music Store offices.

..........

The Beatles went about their business, putting the movie together and creating a sound track. Joie didn't see much of them, but talked regularly to George, who seemed to have taken the role of her big brother. At least that's what she thought. But he called Freda one day and invited them both to his mum's house for dinner.

"You will adore his mum and dad," Freda informed her. "They are absolutely wonderful. Funny, sweet, and mum is a master chef. She could make filet mignon out of horse leather."

Freda drove, stopping first at the florist for some flowers for George's mum and then the chemists, picking up  the tobacco that George said his dad smoked in his pipe. The 2 women then headed north, talking about life in America versus life in England.

"I love it here," Joie told her. "I can't believe I'm going home in less than a week. The time just flew by. And you've been so kind to me. I don't know how to thank you."

"It's been nice having you, "Freda told her. "I wish you could stay longer."

"Me too!"

"Have you thought about staying? I mean, seriously?"

"Umm, maybe once or twice. I went so far as to apply for a Nursing Grant to study England's National Health system. It would give me another few months....but I haven't heard anything yet."

..........

George's family home was warm and friendly. His mum had a nice dinner waiting for them when they arrived, but they decided to sit and talk as they waited for George.

"He's always late you know," his mother told her and Freda as they sat in the kitchen. "Always. Even as a little boy."

"What was he like as a little boy?" Joie asked.

"Always focused on the guitar. Practicing, practicing all the time. Then all of them would come over and make such a racket. But I loved having them. I can't believe they have had the success they had. Things didn't look so promising when they were sent back from Germany."

Louise Harrison told them about their Hamburg days and George getting kicked out because he was underage. "That was the low point. I didn't think they would stay together after that. But things just seemed to move along and now...."

The front door suddenly swung open and George popped in, combing his wind-blown hair with his fingers. He smiled at his mum and dad and Joie could see there was a genuine affection between all of them and she felt right at home. George seemed different. Calmer, more open. Joie studied him as he kissed his mom and greeted his father Harry. Then he greeted Freda and Joie.

"Can I talk to you Joie? Outside for a minute"? he asked with a serious expression.

Joie thought for sure she was going to get a lecture about going to NEMS with Freda and offering to open mail. Suddenly she giggled to herself. She wondered if she'd get a spanking too? Maybe if she asked??

She followed him into the backyard for a cigarette and a talk by the swing that was surrounded by lovely flowering plants of all colors and shapes. It was a place for romance, if you asked Joie, not a stern talking-to.

He turned and offered her a cigarette, lit them both and took a deep drag. Joie was wondering if he was summoning up the courage to let her have it. 

Then he cleared his throat and started. "We...John, Paul and Ringo too, would like you to stay in England if you want to. We can arrange for a 6 month work pass. We had to prove that you could do a job for us that no English bird could do. And we came up with an answer: American Consultant. That's what you would be. You'd work with Brian at NEMS, help Freda with the American fan mail, help us before we tour the states. We have several tours coming up and you'd be a great organizer."

Joie's eyes grew to the size of saucers. She, for the first time in her life, was speechless. "I...I... don't know what to say....," she answered a bit shaky. "I mean I'd love to. But I have family and responsibilities back in California."

"I know. That's why I thought we'd try it for 6 months. I mean, if you like it here, it would be a great way to earn money, travel, learn the business...." George seemed to be chewing on the inside of his cheek.

"Well, you don't have to ask me twice," Joie finally broke into a big smile. "I'd love to stay....but I'd hate to keep imposing on Freda..."

"We'll figure that out since you accepted the job. We'll get you a car because you will be running errands for us. It's getting too hard for us to do it ourselves....even in London."

"I thought that's what Mal did," Joie laughed.

"He'll be on tour with us. We will all be gone for awhile starting in a month or so. But we'd ask you to come to America with us. Show us the ropes. And then come back to England. At the end of the 6 months, you can go back home, or we can get you a permanent visa."

"George," Joie hesitated before continuing. "Whose idea was this?"

George looked at her straight in the eye. "We decide together. We stick together. We might fight, but we are family and John, Paul and Ringo are the ones I trust and rely on. We'd never make a decision without everyone agreeing."

"Well," Joie said, "I'd need to call my dad. I'd need to get an extension from school...."

"Can you do that?"

Joie nodded. "I'm pretty sure I can. I've applied for a grant to study the National Health system."

"Well, call your dad and see what he says and let me know." George continued. "We would love to have you stay on for awhile. You are a big help."

Joie laughed slightly. "But I haven't done anything, George..."

He looked at her sadly for a moment. "You've been a good trusted friend. And those are few and far between these days."

[everybodyknows-everybodydies]

the kharish emotions are upon me… what kinds of things does she like to do for fun with her friends at winterhold? :) & humor me on this one but in some distant hypothetical future do you think she and colette are the type to coordinate outfits….

UPON ME AS WELL... ;u; rubs my hands together. WELL

very important: mini book club with Urag. once in a while someone else joins out of curiosity but mostly it's just the two of them every Fredas afternoon animatedly discussing the pick of the week and taking turns choosing the next one. she tries to keep her picks to things she thinks he'll enjoy rather than the overwrought fluff she keeps on her nightstand so the first time he gruffly is like "...let's do this one next" about something that in a world of mass-market paperbacks would have an elaborate oil painting with lots of roses and windswept silk on the cover she's so touched she doesn't even tell him it's one she's already read.

she's coming from a background where everyone eating together is an important part of community bonding but UNFORTUNATELY the dining hall is mostly occupied only by students as faculty/staff largely prefer to eat in privacy when possible for a cherished hour of peace. she'll go eat with someone when it's not an intrusion but it's not the same :( solution: occasional ladies night... very informal dinner crammed into someone's office (they rotate!) with extra chairs pulled in from the next room over. the importance of sharing bread AND of sharing laughter <3

one of these days they'll be able to clear a decent space in the Hall of Elements so she can teach them the most fun festival dances and try to learn some of everyone else's cultural dances as well... it's a LEARNING opportunity! in which everybody has a turn getting dipped: giggly first-years and wizened professors alike YOU get dipped and YOU get dipped and YOU - (first though we have to find some music 😔) in the meantime though if you catch her in the right mood in the stacks you are in imminent danger of being twirled. Urag is the primary victim due to proximity and now takes this in stride. she's up on a stepstool once when Faralda comes by and twirls her twice because it makes her laugh.

to your second point. making me weep asghsdklfj. on normal days I think probably not intentionally but if there happens to be some more elements of subdued navy and restoration green-gold in Kharish's wardrobe or if perhaps Colette has taken up a scarf in a very specific shade of blue then. well. :') for the rare Event however Kharish is like what are you wearing I want to make sure I match!! ...what do you mean "normal clothes" that doesn't help at all let me see :'|

[the-girl-who-didnt-smile]

SLEEPING BEAUTY & ERZULIE FREDA

Reasons why Erzulie Freda should resemble Aurora.

Erzulie Freda's appearance is specifically inspired by Aurora not just because of the aesthetics, but to connect her to Sleeping Beauty. In a sense, Erzulie Freda is a sleeping goddess. It’s a lot harder for humans to access Erzulie Freda because she is avoiding Erzulie Dantor, whose domain is Earth. In addition to “What if Erzulie Dantor was cynical?” I think “What if Erzulie Freda was asleep?” is a really cool concept, as it makes the entire world of Hazbin Hotel take on a darker tone.

The other reason she is linked to Sleeping Beauty is an application of her powers. Erzulie Freda can induce Soul Slumber, a tranquil spiritual coma that puts one’s soul to sleep, dormant until she awakens them. She used this power on Alastor’s grandfather while he was in Heaven.

When Alastor's grandfather saw what was happening to his daughter, he was filled with righteous fury. He prayed ceaselessly to the Warrior God Ogun to overfill his soul, so that he could become an invincible God of War to slaughter Alastor's evil father and all of his kin.  Being wise and far-seeing, Ogun knew that Alastor's mother was destined to enter Heaven, and thus refused to destroy Alastor's grandfather's soul. The Warrior God denied every last one of his requests, but Alastor's grandfather would not stop praying to have his soul overfilled.

This was a most difficult time for Alastor's grandmother. Her mind knew that her daughter's pain would only be temporary, but her heart was as torn, distraught, and furious as her husband's. In the end, her mind won over, for she takes after Damballah and is most wise and rational. She had the mental strength to bring her husband before Damballah and Erzulie Freda. The three of them convinced the rational side of Alastor's grandfather that his daughter would soon enter Heaven, but his emotional side could not be quelled. At the beckoning of his beloved wife, he agreed to have Erzulie Freda place him under Soul Slumber.

As the righteous patriarch slept, his wife watched over him faithfully, awaiting the day their daughter would ascend to Heaven.

[corallapis]

I don't know whether you're still fascinated by Prince George, the Duke of Kent anymore, but you cannot imagine how relieved I was to find your blog and discover that I wasn't the only person who had P.G. on my mind. Bit of a mess as a person, but very interesting

i'd like to direct you to the diary entry chips channon wrote on the 6th september 1942:

A lovely sunny morning. I woke refreshed, replenished with energy. I have been thinking about the poor Duke of Kent: his death is a loss to me and to the country. Nobody knew him better than I of recent years — particularly the past six or seven . . . Fundamentally frivolous, he was fitful, fretful, both moody and unreliable in small matters. Yet his painstaking kindness was immense and equalled, even surpassed, by his surface treachery. For he could be very treacherous: no man was ever more disloyal in conversation, and no man was a better friend in action, or at heart (this curious and often disturbing contradiction in his complex character was the reverse of the habits of the Prince of Wales who always ferociously resented conventional condemnation, or even gossip, about his friends yet was never known to do anything for anyone except the reigning favourite, whether it was Freda Dudley Ward, Audrey Field, Fruity Metcalfe, or Wallis Simpson). But it was this puzzling trait to the Duke of Kent's Franco-Semitic make-up which first stopped people from loving him wholeheartedly, for as one began to be fond of him, he would do, or say, or commit some small little act that chilled one, and again, just as one began to mistrust or be indifferent to him, he would be so thoughtful, affectionate and disarming that one would genuinely like him more . . . unstable, sensitive, volatile he had beauty, wit and worldly wisdom as well as considerable culture. He read, collected and was a musician, but only people were of real importance to him. He was good and gracious with people, and avidly interested in their morals, incomes, food and vices. (He happened to sit next to old Mr Bland, the Guinnesses' trustee, at a banquet in Swansea and spent an hour trying to find out my exact income.)

Fair, with the extravagantly youthful figure and looks common to the male members of the royal family, he always looked and seemed ten years younger than he was. The Duchess and he must have been the most beautiful and dazzling couple in the world! It was only recently that deep lines began to show under his prominent turquoise eyes. And his tics nerveaux had grown: his exquisite hands knitted incessantly as he talked quickly and irritably. He was plagued by boredoms. His walk was an impressive shuffle. Being an ardent sun-worshipper, his small and trim figure was always bronzed and bleached. Naked he was magnificently gold and copper. And his head — his fair, untidy hair in the rain! — was aristocratic, even fin-de-race . . . He liked jewels, bibelots, snuffboxes, expensive china, Georgian furniture, pictures and les élégances. But more than the actual objets de vertu he collected, he liked buying, selling and exchanging them. His life was a long tussle with antiquaries; for he was a dealer at heart. He was a gourmet, even a connoisseur of food, and always personally supervised every domestic detail of his establishments. Alone of the royal family he had social sense and a flair for society and entertaining. His parties were always enjoyable and usually brilliant . . . In his off-time he would garden relentlessly, or he curled up for hours in the sun! Extremely soigné he was nonetheless unsuccessfully dressed.

Of course he had a secret of which he rarely talked and was ashamed. I was long aware of it. Later his conscience, too, tormented him about his eldest brother, whom he treated very shabbily, indeed. To lull his conscience he ended by hating the Duke of Windsor who was au fond the only person he cared for deeply. (He was even jealous of my spasmodic intimacy with Edward VIII who occasionally telephoned to me.) In his cups the Duke talked of little else, and it was a mixture of abuse and love and Schadenfreude. Latterly he was also extremely unhappy and haunted by the tragic position of Prince Paul, his brother-in-law. Except for Queen Mary, who admired him, and to whom he was devoted, the Duke had no feelings for his other relatives. From her he inherited his love of collecting, his artistic bent and his methodical habits of correspondence. He liked writing letters, which he always answered punctually, in his beautiful handwriting. He actively disliked the King, and more particularly the Queen. He said that they were little more than civic functionaries now and was sarcastic about her to anyone who would listen, calling her 'grinning Liz'. Although since the abdication crisis they were rather more intimate, he secretly resented her non-royal origin. Once he said to me, 'Do you know what Bertie does with his money? Why, he invests it!', and his high voice trembled with scorn. The Gloucesters, he thought, hopeless bores, and his sister, the Princess Royal, a somewhat pathetic turn. The more remote relatives were a constant target for his gibes and eighteenth-century malice . . . . He was flirtatious in manner and in his conversation which was always good and stimulating. He could never hide his deep and infinite desire to please and to carp. Probably he felt frustrated and cramped in his position. He hated Alec Hardinge, whom he accused of trying to poison the King against him. He said that he was not given sufficient scope for his latent and many gifts . . . He proposed himself recently to lunch with old and dying Mrs Greville (I was present). Next day he attacked her soundly in my hearing, and did not add that he had sent her a pair of white satin cushions on that very morning, which I knew to be a fact. He had many weaknesses and peculiarities: he drank to excess during the long pre-dinner interval, usually gin and fruit mixtures; at dinner and afterwards he drank nothing at all. He gave a somewhat effeminate impression by his furious knitting, his too many bracelets and rings. He was wildly extravagant in his purchases, lavish with his presents, but shrewd with finance generally. Often he exchanged or sold or passed on presents that had been given to him. Sometimes he would select his Xmas presents and send me the bill afterwards: it was the safest course.

Devoted to his attractive children, particularly to little Alexandra, to his dogs, he was often embarrassingly querulous — less so, of late — with the Duchess who idolised him. His brain was quicker, better-informed and more instinctive than hers. Somewhat out of focus for this prosaic age, he was nevertheless extremely popular and had a Perrault quality for the people at large which is lacking in other members of his family. The Duke's sad and dramatic death is the end of an epoch: London and life will be more colourless and less gay without him, that elaborate, eager, excited elf. And I shall miss his gossip, his maniacal laugh, his rich presents, his haunting personality, coral and lapis.

[telebisou]

Cold Skin

I liked it, despite being disappointed with it by the end. I enjoyed it, I must repeat this, despite missing its source material's bite in almost every scene. I enjoyed it! I enjoyed it. It was not as good as it could have been.

I miss Gens' misanthropy. Bring it back. Be angry with us. Smack us around. We deserve it. I suspect that the birth of his son caused him to try to inject warmth into Albert Sánchez Piñol's novel. That was a mistake. Freda, not warmth.

Making the narrator forgivable, never mind making him likable!, removed the point of the story from its plot. Humanity, in La pell freda, is the monster. Undoing this relationship removes its inescapable discomfort. The novel forces its reader through a bleak trial of unwilling self awareness that requires contemplation, while the movie replaces this mental process with an uncomplicated and wearily primitive fear of being killed. I so wanted Xavier Gens to trick me with this. I kept waiting for the trick. He makes some attempts at complicating a motive of just staying alive, injecting anticolonial sentiments and some surprisingly common philosophical questions. They're not unwelcome, but they are in the end overly simplistic. Treatment of racial xenophobia and the horrors of war is unexceptional, perhaps problematic if taken as direct metaphor, and, frankly, pointless - since we see from the very beginning, without any doubt, that these creatures are not "beasts". The film's musical score is typical, and forgettable.

Cold Skin's cast, visual craft, and moody location set are where its cinematic value is found. The script was unfinished.

Still I would recommend it, for the imagery alone, including the absolutely perfect performance of Aura Garrido, who embodied both Lovecraft's Deep Ones and the timeless sirens of myth, so well that I was brought to emotion several times. She is without question the star and center of this film, and she's worth seeing it, all by herself. More elaborate and expensive fish-person costumes never captured it the way she did in this performance. Many will compare Cold Skin to The Shape of Water, it's inevitable, but it's unfair. Water, it goes without saying, will be remembered for as long as cinema is relevant - but it lacked Aura Garrido.

Ray Stevenson, RIP, also delivered an excellent and thoughtful performance, as ever. I'm glad his star rose high just before he passed; I hope it leads some viewers to seek this movie out.

Xavier Gens; to regain your title, you must recall why you felt such loathing for human beings. Then you must marry that feeling to your newfound love of us, in some way. I think you'll shine brighter than ever, when hatred and love for humankind have merged inside you, their differences erased.

When that happens, please hire Ms. Garrido again.

[talldarkandroguesome]

19th of Morning Star, Fredas

I have managed to get through another week.

No word yet from the Nest about any shards. I just feel like I am adrift. I have the hardest time concentrating.

My letters west are taking longer than I should like. Snows always slow the post this time of year. I know the dried herbs I sent to Fennorian should be fine, so long as they do not get wet. I sent them, as usual, in oil skins, but it only takes one clumsy courier to spoil the delivery.

Next week the House is having me travel to visit the Velothi camp near Iliath Temple. Long it has been since I was sent to check in with them. I think it is because our House Council is reporting to the Grand Council soon about the war effort and every Councilmer is too busy to see to any secondary responsibilities.

Mother has a good relationship with Farseer Tirinaat. Not that she is not welcome by the Kagesh, they are rather fond of her. There has been a lot of tension between them and the Temple that stands on the edge of their hunting grounds and Mother has been able to negotiate much for them.

I am very much indebted to them for all their aid over the decades. Have I written about this? I feel as though I must have. I introduced Sildras to Ziddak's girl, Orilu. I must have written of them.

Anyhow, there has been some talk of the Temple that the Kagesh are being aggressive again, usually happens when they are threatened or asked to move their camp further away. Almost always it is some minor misunderstanding and easy enough to rectify.

My job is simple, to broker yet another peace between the tribe and Temple. Of course, I am sure that the Kagesh are, as usual, being made to look barbaric and hot headed. It is, unfortunately, all too often the case.

It will be nice to see how big Orilu has grown. She must be getting ready to start on her journey into adulthood soon. The wise women are surely beginning her final years of education before the coming of age ceremony.

I wonder if I should talk with Mother about having Sildras go on one himself. I know I completed one myself and it truly does give you the confidence needed to enter into being an adult.

As soon as the Grand Council has concluded and Mother has settled down from all the activity that follows, I shall speak with her about it.

Now, to make sure that everything is in place for Tel's visit before I leave for Stonefalls. I cannot be seen neglectful of my duties my... what can I say that is not offensive to Tel's person? It is not a mistresshood, for Tel is not being a mistress, nor are they a woman. Yet any other descriptor continues to feel cold and disrespectful. But as a host of this relationship and foray into heir surrogacy, I shall not be neglectful.

I know Sildras has made another painting and had it hung in Tel's room, right besides the one that he and Tel painted together upon Tel's last visit. But I need to ensure that the winter linens are put on this time. The chill that has come down from the currents off the Velothi Mountains brought a light blanket of snow again. I swear it gets colder and colder in Morrowind every winter. I am not complaining, it gives me fond memories of Skyrim. But I also know that Tel is less used to that than I. And while I am more than happy to warm his bed each night, that does not mean that I should not provide for comfort.

And now, to finish my glass of wine as the embers of the fire die down and then go and collect Avon for bed. He has been so much more exhausted of late and I want to show my gratitude.

[princessmacabre]

day 40/100 days of productivity

spent the morning reading on the balcony

vacuumed and tidied my room

finished writing the letter to my friend (which happened to be 12 pages long… why yes, three years is a long time especially when you’re dealing with mental health problems, C-PTSD and need to go into every single detail about your latest romance with a hot and cute french boy that seems to be a wattpad story)

listend to some music

finished reading the novel La pell freda by Albert Sánchez Piñol from 2002 (it was a recommendation by my mum). I read the german translation (Im Rausch der Stille) but the title in English is Cold Skin. It was definitely worth to read it and I like how this novel kind of changes you in a very subtle way … it lingers with you even after having closed the book and finished reading …

Enjoying listening to Alexandre Desplat‘s music the most these days. A strange observation I made: while being by the sea I prefer Desplat‘s and James Newton Howard‘s music the most; and although I am in love with Bruno Coulais‘ works, I hardly listen to his music … but back here in my „home country“ his music is very much needed … anyone out there who likes to talk about film music composers and their works? Let me know

bisous xx

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #581

Top Ten Comedy Songs

Ah, comedy. Funny, isn’t it? I’ve talked a little about comedy songs recently when I was doing my list specifically about The Lonely Island; and also in the past, ranking the songs of Weird Al (and even further back, the songs of Monty Python). One of the interesting things I find with comedy songs is that they stick in my mind more than usual; I think because you’re parsing the jokes, the lines resonate more. You remember the lyrics because the lyrics are funny and you need to remember the construction of the lines in order to remember the joke. It’s one of the reasons why I know all the words to The Saga Begins but not to American Pie; it’s just funnier to sing about going back to Naboo because Queen Amidala wanted to, even if frankly you’d have liked to stay. So it’s more memorable.

For me, anyway.

So there’s nothing much else to this list. It’s just songs I’ve heard that are funny. No, actually, there is more to it; it’s not just “songs that are funny”, it’s songs that are specifically supposed to be funny. Actual, genuine, comedy songs, songs specifically designed to get you laughing. This lead to a lot of internal deliberation about Tenacious D in particular; are their songs comedy songs? Or are they genre parodies, songs that happen to be amusing, but are songs first and foremost? Songs that are funny rather than comedy delivered through song. It’s a hazy line, but I can still see it. It makes sense to me.

Mostly what you have here are songs from, I’d say, comedy acts. Monty Python, Weird Al, Lonely Island – all present and correct. Victoria Wood, Billy Connolly, and Tim Minchin. What you don’t really have – unfortunately – are any musical numbers. I came very, very close to having a Teen Titans Go! song on the list, but sadly it just slipped off the bottom. Maybe that’s one for the future. Another debate I had with myself was over “comedy song” versus “novelty song”; y’know, larky songs that could encompass everything from The Chicken Song (that feels comedy) to Right Said Fred (arguable, it’s at least amusing) to Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini (nope). I mean, where do you draw the line? I almost included Me and My Monkey by Robbie Williams, a genuinely funny and demented song about a coke-addled monkey shooting up hotel rooms in Vegas. I mean, the likes of Babe I’m on Fire or The Cure of Milhaven by Nick Cave are also darkly comic; and I think Don’t Sit Down Coz I’ve Moved Your Chair by Arctic Monkeys is hilarious. But is it a comedy song?

I dunno. But I decided these ten are. So enjoy.

Oh, and I only picked one song per artist; otherwise I worried there’d only be three or four artists represented. And I guess, er, Mature Content Warning? What is it with comedians wanting to eff and jeff in their songs, I dunno.

The Ballad of Barry and Freda (Let’s Do It) (Victoria Wood, 1986): there’s a pleasingly British comic sensibility which renders quite filthy content in a nudge-nudge wink-wink, innuendo-laden fashion that’s deemed suitable for younger audiences. From saucy postcards to pantomime to ‘Allo ‘Allo, we do like our primetime fruitiness. And who did it better (oo-er) than Wood? This masterpiece of comedy is so quintessentially British – from its references to hostess trolleys and, yes, Woman’s Weekly – but also fits the comic archetype of horny housewives and tired old husbands, the working-class world of Wood’s comedy. It’s comfy and it’s sweet and it’s lovely and it’s hilarious and it’s filthy. But it’s also a work of complex musicality and is a stunning performance by Wood on the piano.

Every Sperm is Sacred (Monty Python, 1983): Monty Python produced a raft of hilarious songs in their time, but there’s something about the production of this that elevates it above the likes of Eric the Half a Bee. The jokes about Catholicism I find very funny, and it’s always great to see Palin doing his Yorkshire accent. But once you turn it into a fully-fledged musical number, with chorus lines of high-kicking midwives and dancing urchin children and parades of undertakers and a singing corpse, it becomes something else. Even just aurally it’s such a high-quality production, and it all adds to the comedy.

White & Nerdy (“Weird Al” Yankovic, 2006): god, it’s hard to choose an Al song. I’ve already ranked them (and truth be told I didn’t go back to look to see if I’d put this as number one), but any of that Top Ten cold be here. What I love about this, though, is its lyricism, and the depth of its references; from millennial-era computing jargon through to references to Star Trek and Segways. It’s a snapshot of its time but it’s also just a wonderfully-constructed love letter to a particular flavour of geekery. And, of course, made funnier because it’s presented as quite a tough rap song.

Inner City Pressure (Flight of the Conchords, 2007): another band where I could have picked at least half a dozen songs. This one is great, though, because it’s probably the best Pet Shop Boys parody I’ve ever heard, and very distinct from the Conchords’ usual repertoire. Taking the serious, deadpan delivery of PSB, superficially singing about urban decay, but then writing lyrics about second-hand underpants is just sublime. Also wins a million points for getting a rhyme out of “concert flautist”.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E. (Billy Connolly, 1975): I sometimes think it’s a bit of a shame that Connolly segued away from music as his comedy career accelerated; especially given gems such as this. A fairly direct parody of the original song by Tammy Wynette, it’s the absurdity of the lyrics that real elevate this; the story of an angry dog biting the V-E-T, and the words Connolly chooses to spell (B-U-M). Also features the genius line, “she called me an F-ing C” – which, hilariously, is often bleeped on some recordings.

Horse Outside (The Rubberbandits, 2010): there’s something nasty and angry about most Rubberbandits songs; maybe it’s the weird carrier bag facemasks. But outside of songs about gay sex, fistfights, and Danny Dyer, we have this utterly demented love letter to a horse, and why it’s better than a car. Delightfully Irish in so many ways, it’s sort of quite sweet but also utterly barmy and consistently potty-mouthed. Bit mean about Billie Piper, though.

Spring Break Anthem (The Lonely Island, 2013): speaking about gay sex, we have my favourite Lonely Island song, mixing up hedonistic alpha male behaviour with tender same-sex romance. And, to be honest, that’s all there is to it; it’s skewering the offensive, misogynistic posturing of the song’s subjects by way of comparison. And it’s really, really funny. I wrote about it fairly recently so if you want more, go back two weeks.

Prejudice (Tim Minchin, 2009): Minchin is a genius lyricist and so many of his songs are both hilarious and also just really, really good (Not Perfect and White Wine in the Sun are almost entirely straight). I do sometimes get a bit of that try-hard atheism that makes Gervais so unappealing, but basically he’s great, and this song is amazing. Subverting expectations to tremendous effect is one thing, but the number of ways he finds of discussing the subject matter in increasingly funny ways is, well, very clever.

Happy Birthday in Minor Key (Bill Bailey, 2015): a bit like a more shambolic, shamanistic version of Minchin, Bailey’s musical genius often finds comedic expression as he deconstructs genres and styles. Here, playing Happy Birthday in a minor key creates a dirge that he then supplies with brilliantly dour, goth-tinged lyrics. There’s some wonderful wordplay and it all builds to a final couple of lines that really do put the icing on the cake.

George Washington (Brad Neely, 2010): this one nearly didn’t make the list, great as it is, but in the end the fact that I still – over a decade later – find myself quietly singing the refrain “Washington, Washington, twenty stories high made of radiation” suggests it has supreme earworm qualities. Long before Hamilton, here was a musical about one of the Founding Fathers that felt free to mix up modern lyricism with revered history. After all, it’s a known fact that Washington really did make love like an eagle falling out of the sky.

This was hard. I’m absolutely certain I’ve forgotten something huge and I’ll remember it two days after this is published. Next week will probably be better, as I’m doing my ying-yang thing and returning to the MCU…

[jiubilant]

The Archmage of Winterhold, seeking answers, visits the Augur of Dunlain.

Last time, circumstances being as they were, he hadn’t had much time to look around. Now he paces the cramped chamber in which his prophet dwells, frowning, measuring it in shuffling steps. He flicks a light into his staff and squints up at the stalactites. He sniffs the air, heavy with mildew and the drainpipe stink of old, sour magic.

“Not very comfortable,” he concludes, trailing his fingertips across a slimy wall, “is it?”

A light kindles behind him. The Archmage doesn’t turn his head.

“I’ve been wondering,” he says to the cold stones, “if you know everything that’s going to happen in the way that, ah, that we know everything that has happened. Or if it’s a matter of—of looking, like a, a sorcerer in a scryglass. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, and such. You know.”

The light flares. The Archmage feels a prickle at the back of his neck.

That, says the Augur of Dunlain, is a ludicrous comparison.

His voice, if he still has one, is not what the Archmage hears. It is with the thousand echoes that whisper from every wall of the room, from every creaking crack and desolate corner, that the blaze of light that is the Augur—his breath the winds that whistle through the Midden, his throat the old and horrid hall—makes his mighty indifference known. It is like speaking to the stones. Like speaking to ice.

“Ah, well.” The Archmage turns to smile at him. “S’not what I came to ask, anyway. Would you like to teach on a Morndas-Middas-Fredas schedule, or would you prefer Tirdas-Turdas?”

The Augur’s silence is incredible. Even the walls stop dripping.

“Enrollment is up,” says the Archmage, sounding a bit smug even to himself. He arranges his face to look modest and a little worried; in other words, he thinks drily, he does his best impression of Savos Aren. “And, you know, you’ve been on sabbatical for some time now—”

My body was destroyed, says the Augur of Dunlain, swelling like a star. The chamber floods with incredulous light. My mind shattered across time. I forfeited life and its pleasures in pursuit of knowledge, and in my folly I made myself mightier than you can possibly imagine.

The Archmage raises a calm hand to shade his eyes. “So I’ve heard.”

I have endured this wretched existence for centuries.

“So you have.”

I know the hour of your death, says the Augur. The blue blaze of his consciousness flickers, and every shadow in the chamber shivers as if chilled. I know every mischance that will befall you. Every misstep you will take. I know who will belie you, and who will betray you, and who will break your heart.

Modest, thinks the Archmage. A little worried. “So you do.”

And you are asking me, says the Augur, if I will teach a class on Tirdas and Turdas.

The Archmage squints up at him. It’s like staring at the sun. He tries to imagine what the man had looked like, once.

“My dear,” he says, not unkindly, “aren’t you bored?”

* * *

Twenty-five first-years, their faces glowing blue, visit the Augur of Dunlain. It’s a Tirdas.

Welcome to Introduction to Restoration Magic, says the great light gleaming in the middle of the chamber, flickering with something like exasperation. When he speaks, the words whisper from all corners of the room. In this course, you will master the rudiments of the healer’s art. Apart from the three of you who will fail. Before we begin—

“Er,” says a patchy-sleeved prentice, tapping her chalk on her slate. “Can you truly see the future?”

Her neighbor, a sober boy with ink smudged on his chin, sits up straighter. “Who’s going to win the war?”

A small voice pipes up from the back of the room. “Will I pass my Alteration midterm—”

Come back, the Augur says wearily, during my office hours.

[fortisfiliae]

Promised Part 13 - Tom Riddle x reader

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Masterpost | Masterlist

Summary: In this story, Tom didn’t grow up as an orphan, but with his grandfather and uncle. Reader’s sister got very sick and the Gaunts offer their help. But not without asking for something in return.

Disclaimer: Please be aware that I don’t condone any of this in real life. (GIF is not mine)

Warnings: Arranged marriage

Word count: 3.1k

Part 13 - Pranks & Proper Paybacks

The quill in your hand scratched lightly over the parchment as you were taking notes for Astronomy in the library. It was quiet, as usual, except for the occasional questions and thereof resulting explanations between Ben and Camille. She helped him study for his upcoming Herbology exam, for which he clearly hadn’t revised enough yet. Silly boy.

Tom was there too and sat next to you, completing the quartet round the table. He tried his best not to hiss at them every time Ben asked something. You noticed from the corner of your eye, how he gulped down every thought that built up in his head when another word poured from Ben’s mouth. It was amusing, to say the least, seeing Tom battling with himself to keep his cool. He still didn’t like Ben very much and would much rather study with you alone. But the fact that he had voluntarily sat down with the three of you, tried to behave and didn’t yell at Ben whenever he opened his mouth, told you that he probably didn’t hate him as much as he pretended to.

“So, about the Fluxweed again,” Ben whispered, browsing through his book. “How many days does it have to grow?”

Camille was about to answer when Tom pressed his palm against his forehead and exhaled dramatically. “Sixteen, Ben. It’s sixteen. She’s told you that three times at least.”

Ben took a quick look at Tom, while still fumbling through the book. “I know, mate. I just can’t memorise it. Why do I even need to know that?”

Tom flung a piece of parchment toward him, pointing at the empty sheet. “Write it down, then. There are some things you must know. Get over it.”

“Alright, alright,” Ben grinned and didn’t seem to care about Tom’s tone at all. “I’ll write it down, see? Fluxweed takes thirteen days to grow. Happy now?”

“Sixteen,” Camille, Tom and you sighed in unison.

“Oh.” He crossed out the number and sloppily wrote the correct one above it. “Sixteen then.”

Camille and you chuckled to yourselves while Tom only shook his head slightly, his eyes back inside his own book. Ben certainly was careless, or to be more precise, a lot more careless than Camille, Tom and you when it came to grades. The way he talked about homework and even exams was astonishing. He hadn’t even studied for his O.W.L. in Care for Magical Creatures in his fifth year, and he still got an ‘Exceeds Expectations’. Or so he had told you. He had always found a way to talk his way out of things, which was reasonable. Teachers really seemed to like him. Or rather do anything to stop him from talking once in a while. 

“Oh, wait,” Ben said again.

“Just read your book,” Tom grunted.

“No, hang on.”

Ben stood up and stretched his arm out quickly, reaching and grasping for something to your left. You all turned your heads and saw him catching something that had been flying right at you.

“I might be bad at Herbology. But you’re lucky I’m a bloody good Seeker,” he said and twisted the thin thing between his fingers.

“What is it?” Camille asked. “Let me see.”

Ben put the thing down onto the desk, still pressing his index finger on top of it. “It’s a quill. But it appears to be jinxed. It was flying on its own and headed right for your face,” he said and looked at you. “Still wants to, I can feel it moving.”

The grey quill twitched eagerly beneath Ben’s hand, trying to escape and pointed its sharp tip right at you, ready to pierce into your skin. 

“Not again,” you mumbled.

“Again?” 

Things, odd things, had been happening during the week. Someone had definitely played some pranks and antics on you. You hadn’t found out who it was yet, but it certainly had become pesky. On Monday, someone had left you a note that said Professor Merrythought wanted a word with you. Once you had arrived at the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom however, you were met with a confused teacher and had a hard time explaining yourself. Tuesday, someone had poured Rash Powder over your dinner. You had almost taken a bite but thankfully had noticed the unfamiliar smell in time. Wednesday was more subtle. There had been puddles and slippery spots everywhere you stepped. Avoiding them had been a tedious task. And now, on Thursday, this. The quill didn’t look like it could badly injure you, but its vivid nature was a sign for a hex, rather than a jinx. No matter who it was, all those things did tear on your nerves. Not only because the pranks got to you, but because there was a possibility someone had been following you without you noticing. Every time you had gone to the Come and Go Room you had turned around and checked if someone was behind you, just in case. That was the exhausting part.

“Just some pranks,” you explained. “I don’t know who or why, but it’s getting fairly ridiculous.”

“Could someone,” Ben puffed. “Stop this thing? It’s trying to escape.”

Tom pointed his wand directly at the quill and rolled his wrist. It lit up for a fraction of a second and crumbled to dust right after.

“Ouch,” Ben hissed and fanned his hand through the air hastily before putting his index inside his mouth. “Thanks, mate.”

Tom smirked complacently, partly for the spell he had just cast and partly for burning Ben’s fingertip. “Anytime, mate.”

Camille dragged her finger through the ashes, took a good look at them and rubbed it off between her index and her thumb. “Who would do that?”

“I don’t know,” you answered.

“Avery and Lestrange again, perhaps?” she asked.

“Unlikely,” Tom said. “I checked on them some days ago. They’re still with Carpe most of the time, scrubbing the floors and polishing trophies. And besides, they wouldn’t dare.”

“Who else could it be then?” Camille asked as she blew the remaining ashes off the desk with a quick cleaning spell.

The four of you exchanged looks around the table. “To be honest,” Tom began. “I was suspecting you for a while, Ben.”

“Me?” Ben asked wide-eyed. “Why would I do that? I just stopped that quill.”

“‘I’m aware, I’ve seen that now.”

Camille hummed, deep in thought. “Wait,” she said. “What about Freda? Freda Morris.”

“The head girl?” Ben asked.

“Yes,” she said. “She was so jealous at Slughorn’s party, wasn’t she?”

Tom looked at you, biting on the inside of his lower lip, then nodded. “That doesn’t sound too far fetched.”

“I wouldn’t have thought she’d be so creative,” you said while picking up your books. “Well, I’ll keep an eye on her then.”

Once you had gathered all your things, you got up and waited for Tom to do the same.

“Where are you going?” Camille asked. “It’s not even seven yet.”

“I have to,” you stopped yourself. You had to tend to the potion in the Come and Go Room again. Needless to say, you couldn’t tell them that. “I have to go and look after Nagini. The snake. She’s shedding at the moment. Talk to you soon.”

“Let us know if something else happens,” Camille said and waved you goodbye. 

Tom followed you silently. Of course, they didn’t ask him why he had to come and check on Nagini as well. The perks of being intimidating. Apart from this, Camille and Ben surely didn’t mind studying without him nagging all the time.

On your way out, right when you left the library and headed toward the grand staircase, Tom and you were halted by another student. Platinum blonde and blue-eyed, Abraxas Malfoy, who was one of Tom’s ever so devious sycophants, locked eyes with him. 

“Tom,” he greeted and stopped right in his tracks.

“Abraxas,” Tom replied.

Oh, what did he want now? There wasn’t a lot of time until the potion had to be stirred, so you hoped Malfoy wouldn’t keep you from going any longer.

“So,” Abraxas began. “I’ve seen, you like to keep new company these days.”

Tom frowned and looked over his shoulder. Clearly, Abraxas didn’t mean you. “What are you implying?”

“I’m not implying anything,” he said and chortled a sour laugh. “I’m just observing. You’re dealing with mudbloods now?”

He was talking about Ben. Malfoy and Tom’s other ‘friends’ had probably seen you in the library together. Or in the Three Broomsticks, some weeks ago. Abraxas must have felt really brave to talk to the head boy in this way. His chest was swollen with pride and the glint in his gaze spoke more than he could have ever said. He was out to get something from this conversation.

Tom only exhaled sharply and stared back at Malfoy, completely unconcerned about his reproach. “And how come that’s any of your business, exactly?”

“Oh, it isn’t of course,” Abraxas answered. “I was just surprised. Shocked even.”

“I do apologize,” Tom sneered, clicking his tongue in fake sympathy. “That the gathering of other people, who don’t concern you in the slightest, has ruined your precious day.”

Abraxas stared back at him, obviously trying hard to keep calm. His smile still sat neatly on his face; it were his eyes that betrayed him. “No need to worry about me. I merely started thinking, daydreaming, that your Grandfather might not appreciate that.”

Now he had gone too far. Tom took a step closer, his nostrils flared for a moment and a vein on his neck stood out. “Abraxas,” he whispered so spitefully, it almost sounded like he was talking in Parseltongue, words spilling out of him like pure venom. “I’d advise you to worry about your own life. Because if you don’t, wouldn’t it be tragic if your Mother found out what happened last year at your house? When the maid left and never came back? What was the reason again? If only I remembered. Oh, I do.”

Malfoy’s expression changed momentarily, his head sunk and his eyes darted across the floor, trying hard to think of what to answer.

“Do we understand each other?” Tom asked.

Abraxas nodded, lips thin and full of fury. He instinctively retracted and took a step back, keeping his head low and looked up at Tom through knitted brows.

“Good,” Tom said and left Malfoy standing there. 

Continuing to walk to the grand staircase with you, he appeared like nothing but a casual chat between two friends had just happened. 

“Well,” you said after Abraxas was out of earshot. “That was interesting.”

“They’re all so stupid, sometimes I wonder how they’ve lived this long,” Tom replied. “I have dirt on every single one of them. And they try to blackmail me. Ridiculous.”

“Idiots indeed,” you shook your head. “Do I want to know what happened to the maid?”

“I guess not. It’s a long, repulsive story.”

No doubt it was. Abraxas was known for his dreadful ways and how he had tormented younger students ever since. He wasn’t like Avery or Lestrange, a dumb follower, who had Hippogriff crap for brains. No, he was mindful, awfully aware of his surroundings and constantly seemed to brood about his next step. He reminded you of Marvolo, they both had the same aura, cold and demeaning, always looking for ways to take advantage of other people’s misery. It was no surprise that he had tried to intimidate Tom, maybe even pass him in their hierarchy by threatening to tell everyone about his association with a muggle-born. But he hadn’t thought it through. Tom Riddle wasn’t one to mess with and he had just made that crystal clear. Ben might have not been his friend, but still, he hadn’t let Abraxas speak ill of him.

“I wouldn’t have thought you liked Ben,” you said once you turned another corner.

Tom opened his mouth and looked at you in disbelief for a moment, as if you had just insulted him, before he started talking. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, it just seemed like it. You came to his defence so quickly. That’s why I assumed.”

“This wasn’t about Hilt. It was about me, Marvolo and that bootlicker Malfoy.”

“Whatever you say,” you replied teasingly while Tom rolled his eyes.

Friday evolved to be the worst day of the week. Not only had you almost gotten detention for falling victim to a Knockback jinx during Defence Against the Dark Arts if Camille hadn’t come to your rescue. Professor Merrythought still hadn’t forgotten about your visit on Monday and thought you were trying to disturb her lesson again. But in addition, your curriculum almost hindered you from tending to your potion completely. It had become nearly impossible to handle everything at once. Your classes, homework, studying for the N.E.W.T.s, taking care of the antidote and on top of all that, those stupid pranks. It had been draining and your body ached for a bit of rest. 

On your way to Tom’s dorm, when the sun had already set and you were finally done with everything for the day, you heard the clink of a door handle turning behind you. It almost had gone overheard, the only thing you wanted to do was sit down for a moment and unwind, even if only for an hour. You had already reached the door to Tom’s room and could have just entered to forget about the world for a while. But there was this unsettling feeling inside of you and Camille’s words from the library ran through your head again. You turned around. And thank Merlin you did.

Freda Morris stood in her own door frame, smirking maliciously, with her wand pointed right at you. She must have been taken by surprise, it didn’t seem like she had expected you to look at her. Her wand sank in an instant before she hid it behind her back.

“You,” you muttered, taking some steps her way. “It was you all week, wasn’t it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said smiling, trying to take the high ground, but you wouldn’t let her.

“Just admit it at least. Coward. You know exactly what I’m talking about and you were just trying to do it again, weren’t you?”

Freda shook her head and put a strand of hair behind her ear with her skinny fingers. “I’m head girl, dear. I would never do anything to harm another student if that is what you’re implying. I don’t know what could have given you the idea.”

“Oh shut up,” you spat. “Head girl, yes. An awful excuse for one at best.”

The door behind you opened and Tom appeared from inside. He looked out into the hallway frowning. “What’s all that noise about?”

“Your fiancée’s throwing a fit.”

“Camille was right,” you said, still not taking your eyes off Freda. “It was her. The note, the quill and everything else. I just caught her right in the act.”

Freda heaved one single, shrill laugh at your words and straightened her posture. “I just told you, I would never do such things.”

“What were you doing then? Pointing your wand at me, when I have my back turned on you.”

She pondered, taken aback, while she looked at Tom beside you until her grin appeared back on her face. “You’re imagining things. I was just leaving my room to go and talk to Professor Dippet. That’s when you started to yell at me for no reason.”

“Liar!”

She didn’t lower herself to even look at you anymore. Instead, she looked at Tom. “Is this really what you look for in a woman? Hysterical and hostile? I would have thought you had better taste.”

The need to go up to her and slap her across the face seemed almost unbearable. Your hands were balled into fists and it took all your might not to take out your own wand and pay her back everything she had done to you, times ten. Tom on the other hand stayed calm and smiled weakly while looking back at her.

“Don’t worry about my taste, Freda,” he said. “I’d rather worry about your memory. Maybe you haven’t been informed, which would be very unfortunate seeing that you are head girl, but Professor Dippet isn’t in Hogwarts today. He’s been called in by the Wizengamot. How could you have been on your way to him then?”

Freda’s smile faltered, her eyes darting back and forth between Tom and you. “I must have not gotten his owl then.”

“Certainly,” Tom said. “I want a word. Now.”

“No,” you intervened and he stopped his movements to look at you. “I can do this myself.”

Tom stepped back with a small smirk on his face. Freda was in for a treat. You walked up to her until there was only a hand’s breadth of space between your faces.

“Listen now,” you said, your heart pumping strongly inside your chest. “I don’t know what you were thinking. If you were thinking. But I swear, if you ever play another of your pranks on me again, I-”

“You what?” she asked and shoved you by the shoulder. “Do you think I’m scared of you?”

The moment she had touched you, you felt something moving by your feet. Nagini had slithered out through Tom’s open door and hissed louder than you had ever heard before. Freda gasped and took several steps backwards, startled by the snake. Nagini placed herself between the two of you and reared up, looking as huge and aggressive as ever. Her hisses were meant for one person only and when you looked back at Tom, you recognised that he wasn’t talking to the snake. She had come to your defence on her own.

“Take that thing away,” Freda yelled. “Make it stop.”

“Or what?” you asked. “You might have not been scared of me yet, but I promise you, give me one more reason and you will be.”

She didn’t dare answer, still looking down at Nagini in utmost panic and tried to foresee every move the snake was about to make. You savoured on the sight for a moment, fervently enjoying how Freda fumbled for the doorknob behind herself.

“Come Nagini,” you then said as you turned around. “Leave her alone. For now.”

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Masterpost | Masterlist

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[hp-generation-now-unhappy-boutit]

Harry Potter FRED AU (It could not be named anyhow else and you’ll soon know why)

Please bear with me I swear I’ll make the lenght worth it

I also promise this one AIN’T SAD

Few days ago I was taking a nap and when I woke up my half-conscious brain thought about the name Albus Severus again because it’s a terrible name whether he is named after anyone or not. And I thought ‘did Ginny even get any say in it or what the hell’.

I really think that Harry should name their first child (he did) James Sirius, which is fine, Ginny would name their second son and together they would name their little girl (which I think they did).

But then I thought ‘what would she name him?’ Obviously my first thought was Fred, but I was like ‘nah, that one is for George’s kid... unless’

Here comes my AU, imagine it with me:

It is the first 1st of April after the battle, it isn’t very happy for someone’s birthday, then Percy gets an idea. He cannot forget how the last thing he said to Fred made him smile and he refuses to do anything on his birthday that would not achieve the same goal. So he looks at George and proposes this... what if every one of the siblings named at least one of their child Fred or any equivalent of that, if for nothing else than at least for the chaos it will create at Hogwarts. Everyone is silent for so long Percy just wants to take it back and obliviate everyone, but then Fleur stands up to it and gets really passionate about it and then it slowly dawns on everyone and they love it. It is the first time in all those months that George gives them a non-forced smile. Everyone is super into it. Mrs. Weasley is crying because a) she is happy because her boy is smiling again b) she knows she will be super embarrassed if she ever has to talk to McGonagall after she finds out about this and c) she thought Percy was better than this. Nevertheless if it makes George smile again, she won’t be too harsh about it.

It goes something like this (I’m kind of ignoring the cannon children, but whatever):

- Bill and Fleur name their firstborn daughter Frédérique. She had some mean kids try to laugh at her for it because they thought it’s stupid. She shut their mouths pretty quickly.

- Charlie doesn’t have kids. But he did discover a new breed of dragon, which main trait is that it isn’t violent at all, it’s just really mischievious and will mess up with everyone and everything. Charlie names the breed Island Trickster, for both the experts and amateurs the nickname Fred catches on pretty quickly even though majority of people doesn’t know why.

- Percy’s first child is also a girl but he refuses to let anything stop him from naming his child Fred, because a) it was his idea and b) he’ll be damned if anything keeps him from making this prank, that he created in honour of his brother, work. She gets the name Frederica. She hates it and demands her family calling her by her second name. They do and none of them mind, but before she departs for Hogwarts her parents take her aside and explain why they named her this way. Her prankster blood kicks in and from the moment she steps on the train she introduces herself as Frederica, Fred for short.

- George’s first kids are twins, boy and girl. There is no hesitation - their names are immediately Fred and Freda. When they have the second child, there is a mild discussion, but eventually his name is Fredrick. Proud of their legacy, at school neither will respond to anything but Fred. They become Fred & Fred and Fred.

- Ron, who through Hermione discovered Queen, decides to name their son Freddie. Hermione doesn’t see a reason to protest, she loves it.

- Ginny lets Harry name their first son. First, she likes the name James Sirius. Second, whatever happens that child will have prank as their blood type, so there is really no need to add onto that. Third, she is naming their second child and it will be a version of Fred. Harry does not protest at all, because a) he already has his son named after his father and godfather and b) he refuses to stand in the way of this prank. Also Ginny, being the undercover little shit she is, names their son Fred George... everyone keeps calling him Fred and George. They both also talk about naming their daughter Lily Luna Freda or something and they do, it’s just not that public so she can do with that potential whatever she wants.

It also happens that the whole former gryffindor quidditch team joins in on this (including Lee Jordan, who is considered part of the team) as well as bunch of other friends.

Mrs. Weasley is still a little sceptical but she can’t deny that her boy would be proud. Her job also gets a little easier, because now she just automatically makes her grandchildren sweaters with F. Sometimes she makes more of those that she should but the kids love it (cue later).

Meanwhile in heaven James, Sirius and Remus are both really excited and really jealous. Fred is waiting for the chaos to take reign.

As for Hogwarts, most of the professors are losing it sometimes with entertainment (they mostly enjoy it when someone else is in pain because of this and they love to watch it), sometimes with annoyance, sometimes with both and sometimes actually losing it about to break down and cry (especially when some of their colleagues would just watch and smile). Alltogether in all the houses there is about twenty Fred Weasleys (boys, girls, first names, second names) and the Potters (James Sirius, Fred George and Lily Luna) plus the other Freds - all of them there for two or three years, which basically translates into destruction of the highest level.

There are family gatherings frequently at the Burrow, where they all just sit around the table writing letters to their kids and all of them writing one howler.

The howler arrives to a random person, usually a friend of one of the Weasley/Potter kids and the whole Great hall hears, “FRED! WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME?!”

All the Fred’s look at each other, because they all did something they shouldn’t (which their parents don’t know, but the kids don’t know they don’t know). No one also knows which Fred it is meant for. No one knows if they are being scolded or messed with.

Very rarely the howler would yell, “FRED WEASLEY”, and in the fat pause after that, every single person in the room can hear, Fred George Potter say “oh, thank Merlin’s nightgown.”

Sometimes the howler would shout, “FRED. I AM SO DISSAPPOINTED IN YOU. YOU WERE NOT GIVEN THIS NAME TO KEEP PEACE AND TRANQUILITY AT THE SCHOOL!” Molly Weasley may or may not scold her children and children-in-law for this one. (Obviously if the kids weren’t into pranking their parents would never force them or out them like this, but since they are all openly on board this happens way too often for the professors’ liking.

Then there is christmas time. Most of the kids leave for home... most of them except for the Weasley/Potters and some of the other Freds, whose parents are friends with the Weasleys. The sweaters come and... every signle one has a F on it. None of the kids protest. They wear it proudly. There are attempts at making fun of them. It doesn’t work.

James walks around announcing to everyone repeatedly and very loudly that his name is Fames Firius Fotter. In the meantime, as long as Lily is wearing her sweater, she refuses to react to anything but Fily or Funa and that includes the teachers.

Everyone tries to resist, everyone breaks down eventually.

McGonagall wants to look stern, but she is loving it.

There is a relatively new professor trying to complain to the colleague sitting next to him. Neville Longbottom, who names his children Frank Fred, Alice Fredricka and Augusta Freda, nods sympathetically while sipping his tea. “I know,” he says. “Imagine if one of them named their kid something like Prank. We would call them a normal name now.”

That is the moment Minerva McGonagall loses it and actually chuckles. Every single one of the kids writes a letter to their parents about that one.

All hell loses all the breaks on April Fools. McGonagall wanted to go easy on punishing the pranks for several reasons and one of them is that it is the twins birthday. It takes one April Fools when the kids take it relatively easy for them to figure out the punichments are quite mild. The next year they go Wild and  McGonagall understands that her nostalgia is a dangerous thing. She stops it then and there, because she knows it won’t stop them, it might just stop some people from getting hurt.

Sometimes Peeves won’t have the mood to come up with something himself so he just goes with calling everyone Fred. Some teachers take from it, figuring that if they don’t remember someone’s name it must be because they decided they will deduce it later, which translates to “the name is Fred”.

Years later when the children leave Hogwarts there is formed a new quidditch team. The name is “Flying Freds”. They are all married and stuff, so their last names are all different, but all of them share the name Fred, which only increases the children named Fred, because who wouldn’t name their child after their favourite quidditch team, amiright?

People in both the wizarding and muggle world are astonished as to Why is there suddenly such a popularity to the name, while in the afterlife Fred won’t stop saying shit like “The students have surpassed the teachers.” and the Marauders are both upset they didn’t manage something like that, but also impressed and really loving it.

McGonagall once talks about it with George and he says it was Percy’s idea. Percy, always perfect prefect Percy, blushes as McGonagall looks at him and says: “All those years I was worried you aren’t an actually Weasley and you’ve just been hiding all that potential, hm.”

It is that moment they understand she might have always been strict, but she loved those little and big pranks simply because they were creative and smart and she was always so proud of the Marauders and the twins for it.

[harrisongslimited]

George Chapter of the Day. #5

I Saw Her Standing There

(**Please read General Trigger warnings in Chapter 1)

**********18+ only***********

Specifically slow burn romance brewing.

Chapter 5

Joie heard the phone ring the next morning. She felt exhausted. She wasn't sure what time zone she was in. But Freda popped her head in to see if she was awake.

"You feel like another trip?"

Joie yawned and smiled. "Sure. Where?"

"John and Cyn's house. It's George on the phone. He'll pick you up in 30 minutes. Can you be ready?"

"Absolutely!" Joie exclaimed jumping up from bed. She jumped in the tiny shower, pulled a comb through her hair, put on some make up and was ready when George came.

When Joie saw Freda wasn't ready, she asked what was up.

"Going to my sister's house. Every Sunday. Maybe you can come next week?"

"Sure. Are you certain you don't want me to go with you?"

"I'm sure. You'll like Cyn, John's wife. It's good that you'll go. You'll have a nice time with George on the ride too. He's a great guy."

"Where do they live?"

"Kenwood. It's about a 30 minute drive."

"George will make it in 20."

Freda laughed. "No doubt."

..........

"Hi," she said to him as she slid into the seat next to him.

"Hello," he answered with a cheery smile. "Freda said she's going to her sis's?"

Joie nodded. "Would you rather wait for a time she can come with?"

George shook his head. "No. I need to talk to John anyway. And you'll like Cyn. She's a very down to earth type. They have a son too. Julian. He's 2 I think."

Joie was surprised to hear that John not only was married but had a young son.

George revved up his mini cooper and sped off. It was silent for awhile, but Joie didn't feel uncomfortable. George just struck her as someone who didn't talk unless he had something to say.

"Do you mind telling me about your family?" Joie finally asked. "Are your mum and dad happy about your success?"

George looked at her a brief moment and smiled. God, she was adorable and smelled earthy, sweet.....clean, sexy, like just after a long needed spring rain...He knew he had to snap out of his thoughts and get back into the conversation but he'd rather have his arms wrapped around her lovely body. He coughed to change the channel in his thoughts. "They were always very supportive of my music. I used to skip school to go practice and although I don't think my dad thought it was very smart, he usually went along with it. I wore these tight stove-pipe pants and picklewinkers."

"What are picklewinkers?"

"Pointy black shoes. I had this Elvis haircut. Used to drive my mum crazy, but she always went along with it too. I have a sister who got married and lives in the states and 2 brothers. We're close."

"How did you meet John and how did the band start?"

"That's a long, long story. Paul introduced me to John. I used to ride the same bus with Paul to school. My dad drove the bus."

"And one thing led to another?"

"Pretty much. With a lot of twists and turns along the way."

They were silent again until Joie asked, "How do you feel about doing the movie?"

"It's mainly publicity for our music. Capitalize on the frenzy, you know?" he explained. "Don't know how long it will last."

"You don't think the Beatles will last?"

"Oh, the Beatles will probably last. But the craziness probably won't. John says we are lucky if we get 2 years on top."

"But look at Elvis. He's still around..."

"He's in a class by himself. And they've got him making movies now. I guess we will have to reinvent ourselves at some point too."

"Maybe movies?"

"Maybe. Don't really know what's going to happen."

Joie looked at him intently. "Are you enjoying the ride while it lasts?"

He looked back at her. "Sometimes."

..........

George made the introductions when they arrived at John and Cynthia's beautiful Kenwood home. Good smells were coming out of the kitchen and John offered Joie a glass of wine which she accepted. She'd never really drank before. The wine was smooth and dry and relaxed her.

Cyn and Joie went into the kitchen to talk and have their wine while John and George talked music and even called Paul at one point. Joie heard his name mentioned and tried to listen to their conversation then she remembered the list of things she was never going to do again.

Joie took another sip of her wine and asked, "Tell me about Julian. I hear he's just a joy. Where is he?"

"He's at my mum's. John is home so rarely, we try to make time for one another at least as much as we can. He spent the day yesterday with Julian. He's a wonderful little boy. He loves to draw and tries to play guitar like his dad."

Cynthia filled her wine glass again. And again. And again. Joie realized at one point that she couldn't stand up. She was horrified. She was hopeful that eating some dinner would help sober her up, but her head was spinning. How could she have let this happen? She had to make it back to Freda's. She had to get up in the morning for a meeting at Shepperton Studios for all the extras. Her anxiety was beginning to grab a hold of her. But she put up a good front. It was then she realized everyone was drinking and had no notice of her condition.

She was drunk. Hammered, liquored up, smashed, bombed. Oh my God, help me!

Drunk in England at the home of John and Cynthia Lennon. George Harrison was going to drive her home. She needed air. And fast.

She asked George for a cigarette and went outside to smoke it. But Cyn told her it was okay to smoke inside the house. It was then she leveled with Cynthia.

"I'm not used to drinking," she admitted, the room spinning around her "I really needed some air."

"Are you ok?" Cynthia asked, but went back inside the house, returning with a shawl that Joie could put around her shoulders against the cool, English evening air.

"Thank you, yes. I'm fine. I just needed air."

Cynthia kept her company as Joie attempted to sober up.

"It's hard to keep up with these boys," Cyn admitted. "I tried for years. You know, trying to fit in. You just have to go your own way."

"I usually do," Joie answered. "but I just am not used to drinking very much and I lost track."

"You ok now?"

Joie nodded. But as she went in, John and George were opening up another bottle of wine. Her glass was filled. But she ignored it for the most part. She'd had enough. It did help her relax and be more at ease with the company she was in. But when Paul showed up, all bets were off. She took another large sip of wine.

Why did he have to show up...and alone? Girlfriend, Joie told herself. He's got a girlfriend. Remember that. He's off limits. Besides, what would a man like Paul McCartney want with a simple California girl like Joie Armagh?

STOP! Joie told herself. STOP! You've had too much wine and aren't thinking right. You're thinking about things that you promised you wouldn't. Right then, she wished she could ask George to take her home. She wanted to lay down on the bed and sleep. But with Paul just arriving and the 3 of them talking, she didn't want to ruin George's evening. "Hi George," she'd say. "Take me home. I'm drunk as a church mouse in the wine cabinet."

Oh lord, no. He was so kind to her, she didn't want to look like some drunk off the street. Maybe Paul could just take her home.

..........

Cynthia made tea, settling the room from spinning in Joie's case, and yet she knew she was still drunk. She excused herself and went to the bathroom and put cool water on her neck and wrists. The water felt wonderful. But she still wanted to close her eyes and go to sleep.

She managed to stay in the conversations but used everything in her arsenal to appear in control. But when Paul announced he was leaving, she blurted out, "Do you think you could take me to Freda's? I'm still suffering from jet lag and am totally exhausted."

When she began to gather her purse and coat, by the time she returned, Paul had left without her.

"He's said to say sorry. He was late already to pick up Jane." John explained simply. "You can crash here if you need to. Plenty of room."

"That's ok," George interjected quickly. "I'll take Joie home. It's no trouble."

"I hate to end your evening this way...that's why I asked Paul to take me home. He mentioned he couldn't stay long because of Jane."

"Joie," George looked into her eyes and spoke gently, softly. "It's no problem. I'll take you home."

Joie blinked and tried to read George's face. His eyes held a sweetness she never saw on anyone...not even Charlie when they were making out.

"Okay," she smiled back at him, enjoying being the object of his laser focus.

"Good. I'll get the coats and we'll leave."

Joie said her goodbye's to Cyn, who tucked her phone number in Joie's purse. "Call me anytime. I'm usually here. We can talk more. Anytime. Really"

"Thank you so much. I had a wonderful time. And give Julian a hug from me"

George escorted her to the car and opened the door for her. As he started the car, Joie knew she was going to be sick. But she just couldn't. Not with George. She had to make it to Freda's somehow. But everything was spinning.

She couldn't understand it. She'd had wine before. But just maybe it was too much with her nervousness.

"It's been a little too much, hey?" George finally asked after she had been quiet for awhile.

"I guess so..." she muttered. "Ah, George....."

"Yea?"

"George....."

She touched his arm. "Could you please stop the car? I need to get some air."

She immediately jumped out of the car and ran into some bushes where she promptly threw up over and over. Then the headache started. She thought she was dying. Dying from the wine, dying from embarrassment.

Finally, in silence, she made her way back to George's car, her head hanging down because she felt like an idiot.

"Um...Cyn's cooking?" he joked.

Joie laughed weakly. "Too much of everything I think"

"You ok?"

She looked at him. He was smiling gently. "I'm so sorry," she told him, her voice wobbly as she tried not to cry. "I'm just so sorry..."

"eh," George dismissed it. Handing her some tissues from the glove box, his hand laid on her thigh. "Just let me know if you need me to stop again. We'll be at Freda's in 15 minutes."

"I'm so sorry..."she repeated again.

"You just got your wings, Joie. "We've all been through it. Every single one of us."

"Some wings..." she mumbled and blew her nose.

"I know......I know. It's ok though. Don't worry about it. Take a couple of aspirin and call me in the morning."

"Doctor Harrison?"

"Yes. Absolutely. That's me. I've been told I have a great bed-side manner."

Joie laughed and thought "I believe you would" and wondered what it would be like if he kissed her with that sensual mouth. "I knew it all along..."

She managed to stay composed the rest of the way to Freda's. George helped her into the apartment. Freda wasn't back from her sister's and Joie was glad Freda had given her a key.

"I'm so sorry...."

He took her face in his strong, soft hands. His eyes went right into her heart. Was she seeing things? Was it the wine? "It's ok Joie," he whispered in her ear, his warm breath giving her goosebumps. "Get some sleep."

"I feel better now."

"Good" he answered. "Have a cup of tea, wash your face, take the aspirin and get to bed. You'll be ok in the morning."

It took everything in him to turn to leave. "Here's my personal phone number. Call me in the morning."

"I will" she promised taking the number.

"Good night."

"Night George and thank you for taking me and bringing me home."

"You're welcome."

And he was gone. Joie went to the bathroom and didn't recognize the woman in the mirror. Her face was blotchy and her mascara had smudged around her eyes. In the right lighting, she could be a stand-in for Frankenstein.

"Some impression....." she told the reflection. But she did as she was instructed. Washed her face, took 2 aspirin and went to bed.

She wondered why George treated her like a princess especially since she asked Paul to take her home. She decided doing that was exceptionally bad form and swore it would never happen again. She closed her eyes and fell into a fitful sleep.

..........

The first thing Joie Armagh did when she woke up was to take 2 more aspirins. Her head was killing her. She had gotten drunk at John Lennon's house. She still couldn't believe it. Joie added it to 'The List of Things She Must Not Do Ever Again', then called Cynthia to thank her for a wonderful evening. They chatted for a few minutes and promised to try to get together soon. Her next call was to George, but there was no answer. Instead, there was a knock at the door.

There Paul McCartney stood. "ready for work, miss? Your car awaits."

Joie blinked her eyes. "Ah, um, you're taking me?"

"We are going in the same direction at the same time. Do you mind? Besides, George was going to do it but got involved in some phone call and was running late."

"Of course I don't mind. Come on in while I get my coat and my meeting notes. Then I'm ready."

As he opened the car door, Joie looked into his brown eyes.

"Sorry I had to leave last night from John's house. Didn't think you'd be stranded since George was there."

"It was fine," she told him honestly. "I came with George so I should have planned to leave with him. I just saw you were leaving and I was so tired."

"And potted..." he laughed.

"Was it that obvious?" she asked him when he got into the driver's seat.

"No. Not really," was all he said.