#hahaha idk why but i actually feel so nervous sharing lol

[cityofmeliora]

kinda late but here is the Terzo childhood headcanons AKA new yorker Terzo post. for @plaquerat <3

ok so. i don't really have a solid interpretation of the lore, and my headcanons aren't very detailed. i'm open to floating a lot of different ideas. here are some that i like:

i've liked the idea that Terzo was primarily raised by his mother ever since i first saw the interview where TF (as nameless ghoul) suggests Terzo may be nicer than Secondo because "he seems to have, i dont know, a kinder mother?" and then i found the official instagram post mentioning Terzo's mother attending his concert in New York, and i was like 'oh! maybe she lives there. maybe Terzo used to live there with her.' it got me thinking...

Terzo was born in california and then moved to new york with his mom after she and Nihil split.

seeing the skyscrapers in new york for the first time was a really formative experience for him. that sense of awe he felt eventually inspired his interest in art deco and futurist art. new york became the base for his imaginary city of Meliora. (this is partly inspired by my own experience as a native californian because we don't really have tall buildings in california and i FREAKED OUT when i visited new york and chicago and saw REAL tall buildings.)

Terzo's mother was an artist and he spent a lot of time in the studio with her and her artist friends. their apartment walls were covered with Terzo's own art.

art and music and culture have always been at the center of Terzo's life. he and his mom would always be listening to music or viewing art galleries or watching movies together. i think Terzo's dynamic with his mother was very much like this anecdote from Carly Rae Jepsen:

My mom and I would sit and meticulously go through Leonard Cohen and Joni Mitchell lyrics together. Even from a young age I remember her being like, “I’m playing this Leonard Cohen song called ‘Famous Blue Raincoat,’ and when it’s done I want you to tell me what’s going on in it.” She would give me like a fake glass of wine when I was 8, and I would listen and be like, “I think there was an affair.” Pitchfork - Carly Rae Jepsen on the Music That Made Her (2019)

Terzo turned out to be a gifted child. super smart and naturally talented at a lot of things, but he particularly loved to build with lego / blocks and play piano.

Terzo had a great relationship with his mom. she always supported him and encouraged him to pursue his interests and to do his best.

Terzo missed his dad though. his parents had been together long enough for Terzo to remember him. he was just a kid. he didn't know any better.

when Ghost debuted and Nihil became an internationally famous one-hit wonder, Terzo developed this idealized image of Nihil as a cool rock star cultural icon in his head. idolized him a bit.

after this, Terzo decided he wanted to get serious about becoming an entertainer / musician. started doing piano recitals and competitions. youth theater. film club. all the things.

if anyone asked Terzo why he wanted to become an entertainer, he'd tell them it's because it's what he's good at. and he's always wanted to be famous. which was true, but...

what he wouldn't tell them is that a part of him was trying to emulate [his idea of] his dad and secretly hoping that if he shared that interest / became famous his dad would want come back into his life.

he knew his mom was always there supporting him, but every time he went onstage he would look out into the audience hoping his dad might be there to surprise him. (he never was.)

Nihil was the first of many many disappointments in Terzo's life.

oops! i made it sad.

anyway here's a doodle of kid Terzo getting a postcard from his dad... he didn't hear from his dad again for a very. very long time after that.

there are a lot of details i haven't square hammered out, but it's okay because these headcanons are mostly for me to like, frame Terzo's character development over time. might post more later :)

[natashasbitxh]

Hello, you know what I sense from Shaynce is that they are afraid of each other's mind. Like is a feeling of being afraid of someone that thinks similar to one self, that's what I get from this two. That's might be the reason they don't interact a lot, maybe it's need time for that fear to fall.

Rarely I feel like they are even more far away now that they were before. I see a lot of people mentioning that Chance flirts and all that, but in the vid where Shayne is Elvis, he literally flirt with Mr. Peanut, I know you might think is a reach, but he did mention that he wanted to eat the peanut, also he actually said Mr. Peanut is his favorite character Chance has made. But now they don't do that, not with the characters or as a joke.

But they know each other's so my question is what the heck happened? You meet someone and yes they are coworkers and they understand that, but I don't get it you know? I don't understand why they are afraid of the other. Also in a lot of the old vids when Chance was just starting as a member, I get a sense that Shayne avoided him, I don't think he did it on purpose or he hate it him, but just to not have to deal with that I guess, the feeling of being afraid and well it might be also that Chance wasn't afraid to be frontal so, maybe that scares Shayne idk, and now I think they are friends and coworkers, but they don't blend you know? I mean if you separate all the members in duos, you'll have an understatement of what duo each one has, like a vibe you'll get, but then....Chance and Shayne doesn't have a vibe really, at least not like the others members. Yes you could say they make the other laugh or whatever but there's something that it's missing and I wonder what that is.

I mean I been seeing a lot of opinions about the new video about the fanfics, and the only thing I get is Shayne was tense the whole time of the bit, not in a bad way, but I'm intrigued about what is that doesn't let them be close enough to idk be natural in a way. Also they would be so powerful together in a competitive game and it's rare to see them in the same group on games.

This is not me trying to said crazy shit I just wanted to share my thoughts on it, I think they could be great friends if they get more closer

Also I already read all the 10 fics that are in AO3, so I hope we get more writers hahaha. Btw I don't ship them but I read the fics because it's the closest I get to see if people get their personalities.

Oooh, that is such an interesting thought!! I like the idea of that and I get where ur coming from!!

omg yes I get what u mean! Like maybe it was so easy for them to flirt before because it had no weight to it and truly was just for fun, but maybe now they get scared to do it because it feels too real? Idk

yh I understand what ur saying! Maybe they're just like nervous around eachother, scared of what could happen if they get too close? Idk there's just something so interesting with them. The rlly outgoing, bold Chanse x the kinda introverted Shayne, whos not used to somebody so open?

yes they would be so powerful in more games! I mean, they've started to be paired up more so we'll see!! I think maybe Shayne is so tense in that vid cause he's conscious of making Chanse uncomfortable maybe? Cause they haven't been like that rlly before or at least not for awhile?

no pls do continue to share ur thoughts, I don't think they're crazy I think they're rlly interesting! And I agree, they have the potential to become rlly close!!

yh, I'm working on some fics but I'm so bad at finishing things I don't see me sharing them anytime soon lol

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Bad Manners (S2, E5)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:35 - Martin totally thought John Watkins abducted and killed Ainsley. Mark my words. 

0:44 - Holy. Shit. Ainsley is FIVE years old (or younger) here right? A five year old with that much determination?!?! She literally stayed silent in that clock for probably hours......and no one was concerned about this kid when Martin was arrested because...?

1:09 - Anyone else impressed with Malcolm’s aim here? Just me?

1:20 - Gil and Malcolm talking about sleep and murder is so freaking sweet. <3 Honestly, they’re acting like friends instead of co-workers and it warms my cold dead heart. 

1:29 - Does Gil become a grumpy old man when he doesn’t get 8 hours sleep? I really want to know now. 

1:39 - OMG. Gil pointing at Ainsley here is hilarious. He’s totally acting like some weird mix of a stern pissed off high-school teacher, and a step-dad trying to discipline an unruly teen. hahaha AND MALCOLM’S FACE. Look how done Malcolm is. He looks so so tired, sad, and exasperated. 

1:44 - Wow. Girl power. Ainsley has those camera guys bending to her will. I honestly would’ve thought they would just read the situation and turn the camera off themselves. 

1:47 - “It’s not a game.” Yikes. I have thoughts about this:

Malcolm is right - it’s not a game. 

Malcolm is a bit of a hypocrite for saying that to Ainsley. Although, to his credit even when Malcolm is excited/inappropriately happy about murder it’s always pretty clear that he thinks murder is wrong, and that he has sympathy for the victims and their families. 

Ainsley does not have that same sympathy for the victims. That much is clear later in this episode. 

Pretty sure the writers are trying to turn Ainsley into a serial killer this season. 

2:13 - “You know I like to share these things with my friends.” .....does this mean Malcolm thinks Dani and JT are his friends now? Last I checked (Ep 1x05) Malcolm didn’t have friends. This absolutely melts my heart. <3 I’m honestly so happy that Malcolm considers someone other than Gil to be his friend.

2:18 - “We lost Dani to vice.” .....What is vice? AND WHAT IS THE REAL LIFE REASON THAT DANI WASN’T IN THIS EPISODE?!? 

2:19 - Edrisa has a medical degree right? She has to know how dangerous consuming that much caffeine is right? Plus aren’t energy drinks super dangerous if you drink a lot of them (or maybe that’s just what adults in my neighbourhood told kids)?

2:30 - Edrisa SHINES in this episode. She’s so funny and awkward and I just love her. 

2:36 - hahaha Gil has adopted the whole team. Look at him throwing the “Dad warning stare” at Edrisa. 

3:31 - Why does Edrisa start bouncing around looking upset when Malcolm says, “rejection is a powerful motivator”?!?! Has she recently been broken up with or something? Is this a reference to how she has a crush on Malcolm (who doesn’t reciprocate)? I WANT MORE INFORMATION.

3:47 - TWIZZLERS!!! <3 Damn I love how this tiny detail about Malcolm’s character keeps coming up. 

3:55 - Ainsley is on a rampage this episode. She’s so determined ...actually she’s acting a lot like Jessica (think girl in the box bracelet). However, unlike Jessica, Ainsley’s motives aren’t about justice or the safety of her loved ones.  Ainsley is chasing personal gain (career) with a side of (a subconscious?) need to be exposed to murder and her father’s twisted world. 

4:05 - This whole interaction between Ainsley and Malcolm is really interesting. Ainsley is knowingly manipulating Malcolm to get the answers she wants. We’ve seen her do it in 2x4 and 1x19. She knows her big brother would do anything for her. It makes sense, they’re five years apart and after the trauma they experienced as children Malcolm felt responsible to protect Ainsley. He never wants to disappoint Ainsley. Not a burden he should’ve had to deal with but I digress. PLUS Malcolm looks weary of Ainsley here. He knows what she’s doing. He’s scared that she’s turning to the dark side. But he still gives her the answers because if he doesn’t - that means something has changed. He thinks that would make Ainsley suspicious and then she might remember what happened to Endicott. He’s scared of and for Ainsley. 

4:32 - OKAY. I’ll say it. The thing that annoys me the most about this episode is that it suggests that Ainsley was a debutant when in 1x6 AINSLEY TELLS MARTIN SHE WAS NEVER A DEBUTANT. She went to etiquette school - I guess that doesn’t strictly mean she also did debutant balls but it sort of suggests it in the context of this episode? Did she actually graduate from the etiquette school (there was bullying, maybe she was expelled/dropped out similar to Malcolm and Remington?)?

4:59 - “No stabbies” OMG. How is this show not classified as a comedy?!? Istg I laugh harder watching this ‘drama’ then I do watching most of the shows that call themselves ‘comedies’.

5:35 - It’s honestly kind of amazing that Ainsley and Malcolm are as ‘sane’ as they are. They were raised by a stubborn predatory psychopath and a stubborn rich meddling socialite. They had no chance of normalcy. Look at the amount of pleasure Martin is currently getting by throwing his son under the bus with regards to Jessica. 

 5:45 - “No actually, I cleaned it up.”.....does this have a dual meaning? Did Martin do something to make Malcolm dispose of the body? We already know that Martin has tried some sort of conditioning on Malcolm (remember ‘C’mon boy!’ from 1x14? The stabbing?). What if Martin said some sort of trigger word to control Malcolm and coerced Malcolm into getting rid of the body? What if this isn’t the first time?

6:05 - Ainsley is a sociopath. I’m calling it again. I called it when I first watched Q&A (1x7) because the way she treated Malcolm was more than just selfish/careless. It was cruel and she didn’t feel any remorse for literally broadcasting her brother’s private health details on television. That is messed up. I honestly won’t be shocked if the writers make Ainsley a full blown serial killers (although I’m not sure I want that because I don’t know how Malcolm would remain the main character if the story goes in that direction?). 

6:12 - Poor Jessica. I honestly feel really bad for her. Sure, she’s a headstrong alcohol dependant crazy rich woman. She also has a good heart. She’s been dealt a pretty shitty hand when it comes to relationships (minus Gil but she ruined that because she’s a MORON) and now she’s terrified that her own children have become monsters and she blames herself. She definitely hasn’t been a perfect mother but I don’t think she’s to blame for Ainsley and Malcolm’s obsession with murder. If these kids had a different bio dad, they would probably just have a low-key drug problem or some other common rich kid baggage. 

6:15 - “You know that’s not how cancer works right?” LOL. hahahaha

6:33 - Martin kind of has a point. There’s no rehab for murder. That’s why he’s been in jail for 20 years and he still wants to kill people. In my opinion, given what we’ve seen of Ainsley’s personality: as soon as she fully remembers that night - she’s gone. She’ll go full serial killer and Jessica and Malcolm will lose her forever. 

6:40 - Jessica’s little jazz hand finger twinkle as she spins on her heel and leaves Martin kills me. It’s so extra. It’s so funny. And it’s sooo Jessica. 

6:47 - Damn. Martin is pissed. I’m worried. That’s murder-level rage. If he escapes ISTG Martin is going to try and kill Gil. For so many reasons 1) because he hates Gil, 2) it’ll hurt Jessica, and 3) killing Gil will eliminate his ‘Dad’ competition. 

6:54 - Edrisa on caffeine is AMAZING.

7:43 - I love Edrisa but her blatant, unreciprocated crush on Malcolm is honestly getting a little creepy. 

7:52 - Gil spent all last season drinking out of a Yankee’s mug. Doesn’t that mean he’s a baseball fan? Why doesn’t he know this pitcher guy?

7:56 - hahahaa “Where is JT?” Because obviously JT is the team sports fan. 

8:22 - Does Gil get nightmares about cases? He always seems really uncomfortable around the dead bodies. 

8:45 - “And suddenly I’m wide awake” SERIOUSLY - is anyone else laughing every 60 seconds when they watch this show? Is my sense of humour just super dark and messed up?

8:54 - YES. The liquorice is BACK.

9:00 - I love Malcolm talking to JT about his obsession with candy. I love how Malcolm doesn’t even hesitate before giving JT an honest answer. Malcolm is acting like JT’s annoying little brother and I am here for it. One thing I did notice though - Malcolm specifically mentions candy+dopamine but doesn’t mention his depression/anxiety. Processed sugar can be a short-term (unhealthy) way to boost your mood. It’s why some people eat their feelings. I really want more backstory about Malcolm with the lollipops and licorice though. 

9:19 - “But you didn’t do anything wrong.” Awwww Malcolm is so soft here. I love how much he genuinely cares about JT. <3 I love how JT is comfortable enough with Malcolm to give him an honest answer. <3 THEIR RELATIONSHIP HAS GONE THROUGH SUCH A GLOW UP. <3 

9:32 - “Like toy dolls?” hahaha the way Malcolm perked up here. All I could think was “SQUIRREL!” hahaha. 

9:41 - Malcolm is doing better than he has been the past few episodes? I mean he’s still suffering and he’s still in a terrible mental state. BUT he also seems happier? IDK maybe he’s just entered the more manic nervous energy stage of his emotions as opposed to the depressed and scared stage. 

9:49 - “Deep childhood trauma”. So we’re looking for a debutant killer with childhood trauma who is chasing perfection? Debutant = rich lady culture. Like Ainsley. AND Ainsley went to the same etiquette school as the first two victims. The writer’s wanted us to assume the killer was Ainsley for the first 15 mins of this episode right? I’m not the only one seeing it?

10:04 - “My sister went there too.” ....why is there something super attractive about the way that line was delivered?

10:08 - I’m so done with this absolute tom foolery. Why does the team keep splitting up into two teams - where one team is JUST MALCOLM. The one who is unarmed and technically a civilian?!? This makes no logical sense to me (except for plot).

10:25 - Was Martin just about to say, “Just like the old days”?!? Is Martin referring to Endicott? OR is Martin referring to something that Malcolm’s repressed from his childhood?

10:30 - “I always root for the bad guys.” .....finally some truth from Martin.

10:40 - Soooooo I guess Mr. David doesn’t know? I promise you Mr. David has suspicions though. How could he not?!?!

11:24 - “It was brutal for Ains.” Look at how sad Malcolm is! Ugh. This hurts so much. He clearly loves his sister so so much and what she’s done is slowly killing him. I honestly think that part of the reason Malcolm helped Ainsley dispose of the body is that Malcolm doesn’t want to loose his sister. His sister is one of the only good things he’s always been able to count on. If word gets around that she’s a killer - Malcolm’s fragile world gets shattered a little more and I don’t know if Malcolm can recover mentally from that. 

11:36 - “Teasing made her capable of...stuff.” C’MON. There’s no way Mr. David doesn’t know. 

11:45 - Sooo is Martin saying that he recognized that Ainsley was a sociopath when she was a small child? Or did she just respond to his (or John Watkins’) grooming much ‘better’ than Malcolm?

11:56 - “Because she’s her mother’s” Okay. So I see the point. I can see that Ainsley is driven and stubborn like Jessica. BUT it feels like Martin is suggesting that Jessica is capable of murder? Which - I honestly don’t think she is. If anything - Malcolm is more like Jessica than Ainsley is.

11:59 - There was a look in Martin’s eyes when he was comparing Ainsley to Jessica that really freaked me out. I can’t figure out why. It makes me wonder if Martin still somehow views Jessica as ‘his possession’ (he refers to her as his wife all the time but I always assumed that was just to get a rise out of people?). Martin’s dream from 2x4 certainly suggests that he still wants Jessica romantically. I honestly think he’s going to try to escape and rekindle the romance with Jess; and it’s going to go very poorly when Jessica rejects him. 

12:06 - Preach JT. Preach. This is creepy af. 

13:00 - Ugh. Of course this creep has a history of indecent exposure. Now I understand why Gil and JT were hostile with the dude right from the start. 

13:12 - Man. People will use the Bible to justify anything. No wonder people hate Christians ( I say this as a practicing Christian).

13:18 - JT is such a good dude. I’m so glad he’s a dad now. <3 He’s going to be such a good one. <3

13:26 - “One phone call and this place will be shut down.” OH SHIT. GIL THAT IS VICIOUS AND I RESPECT THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

13:35 - I soooo thought that dude was going to sprint out of that room. 

14:30 - THIS. YES. This is why I have a problem with Ainsley’s enthusiasm for murder vs. Malcolm’s. Ainsley’s enthusiasm is centred on her nee to ‘get the story’. She’s obsessed with forwarding her career and as a result she’s treating crime like a competitive sport. Malcolm’s obsession (while it can border on creepy and reckless) is always centred on his need to find the killer and stop the murders. Malcolm is seeking justice and his heart is in the right place. I can’t say the same for Ainsley.

14:31 - “We’re brother and sister, everything is a competitive sport”.....whoever wrote this doesn’t have a sibling they experienced trauma with as a kid (and as a result was raised by a single parent). Seriously, my dad was abusive he lived with us until I was 10 and my brother was 7. Then my parents got divorced and my mom was a single parent (he didn’t pay child support or see his kids after the divorce). Are my brother and I competitive? Sure sometimes. But the way we grew up forced us to become partners. Annoyed with Mom? Let’s rant about it together. Is he struggling in math? I’ll tutor him in exchange for a Reese cup. Am I struggling at daycare because I have massive social anxiety? He’ll include me in whatever he’s doing so I’m not sitting alone in a corner. My point: siblings who experience trauma together don’t have the typical sibling relationships that are widely televised in North America. There’s a lot less fighting and competition and a lot more teaming up and commiserating. 

14:39 - “It. It’s terrible.” - Notice how Ainsley didn’t actually say how it made her feel? She gave the standard “TV response” to a murder “a terrible/horrific/tragedy has occurred”. She doesn’t feel bad that these women are dead. She’s too consumed with getting a story to even stop and let herself feel anything. I’ve been saying it since last season - the way Ainsley shows no regard for other people and their feelings when she’s obsessed with her job is concerning. 

14:50 - “Remind me of the people who cut us off after Dad’s arrest.” ...Are you kidding me?!? The whole fandom has been speculating about this since early season one and they’re not going to elaborate on that line?!? I’m going to need some more information about this and it better be in the upcoming episode where Jessica’s younger sister appears. 

15:40 - She thinks of her students as family? Sooo what does she think of Ainsley? Wasn’t Ainsley bullied at this school? Did she do anything about it? 

16:00 - this is like a ‘weekend/evening school’ right? Kids aren’t living in this house like a boarding school/summer camp?

16:01 - “Mr. Whitly” UGH. This bitch preaches etiquette and she doesn’t even have the common courtesy to call Malcolm by the name with which he introduced himself? Nah. I don’t like her. 

16:13 - Ugh. Ainsley, seriously? Why don’t you help your brother solve the case. AND PREVENT MORE MURDERS. Why are you indirectly but purposely obstructing justice?

16:37 - “Of course.” Huh. Do you think Martin might try and manipulate Ainsley into killing Malcolm? Ainsley definitely capable of it. She doesn’t actually seem to care about Malcolm nearly as much as he cares about her. 

17:17 - WTF?!? That’s creepy af. How did no one in this show think this assistant was a suspect? She has a super creepy doll that she ‘forgot’ on the floor the middle of a hallway. AND THE DOLL WAS STANDING UP. Not sitting, not dropped carelessly, STANDING UP.

17:30 - Look at Malcolm’s face. He’s definitely going to be having nightmares about that doll. 

18:25 - OMG. This was amazing. JT just totally bulldozed his way into catching that dude. Very badass. Also kind of funny (maybe that’s just my messed up sense of humour again?).

18:44 - Ugh. This dude has a thing for dolls. I don’t want to kink shame but - no. no. There’s something really gross about that.  

18:48 - I’ve seen some people say that this doll looks like Ainsley and how that’s supposed to be some sort of foreshadowing/symbolism. I kind of see it? I mean the hair colour is similar and if you pause the screen at 18:48 the angle kind of looks like Ainsley? It would be an interesting metaphor though - Ainsley played with dolls as a little girl. John Watkins gave her angel statues. She is Watkins’ and Martin’s doll’ in the sense that she was the object that murders manipulated/groomed. 

18:53 - Then again, pause the screen here and there’s something about the facial structure that looks like Dani to me. 

19:00 - Jessica lets Ainsley work in the murder office?!? No. No she doesn’t. This is garbage. Jessica would’ve forbade it. Jessica would’ve bordered up this room immediately after Watkins.

19:57 - Poor Jessica. She’s clearly terrified that she’s losing Ainsley and terrified of Ainsley. BUT Jess, sweetie, running to Europe won’t fix this. 

20:16 - “She wanted the dolls to look like her students.” AND PEOPLE SEND THEIR CHILDREN TO HER?!? WTF?!? NO. NO. NO. NOT OKAY. 

20:31 - HAHA look at Gil’s face when Trevor tells him he can make the ‘perfect woman’. Gil’s like WTF - can I arrest you for thinking you can fabricate a ‘perfect woman’?!!?

21:06 - Malcolm is having so much fun playing with Trevor’s doll head. Look at how excited he is. It’s kind of adorable but his manic energy is showing which is concerning. 

21:10 - Why is Trevor giving his doll fancy 1940s(ish) names? 

21:31 - Props to LDP. I honestly believed Gil was annoyed with Malcolm for barging in on the interrogation the first time I watched this. 

21:42 - “They got a word for everything.” hahaha OMG. This is so reminiscent of a teenager explaining some new tech to their tech-illiterate parents. 

22:00 - I can’t tell if Gil feels sorry for this creep or if he just thinks the dude is really gross. Probably a mixture. 

23:00 - Oh we’re bringing up the chloroform again. At least Malcolm knows not listen to Martin about this nonsense. 

23:25 - “It doesn’t feel fun.” - THIS. This is why I honestly don’t think Malcolm will ever become a serial killer. His guilt complex is just too big.

23:56 - Are. You. Kidding. Me? This is next level. Ainsley is so out of line here. AND SHE SHOWS NO REMORSE. SHE DOESN’T THINK SHE’S DONE ANYTHING WRONG. THIS GIRL HAS GONE DARK SIDE (she was already halfway there).

24:17 - I’m getting papa!Gil vibes when Gil is talking to Ainsley and I want more scenes of them interacting. Seriously, did Gil have a relationship with Ainsley when she was a kid? I MUST KNOW.

24:45 - Ainsley has no conscience. I honestly don’t think Ainsley has a conscience. 

25:00 - “Who is that!?” Malcolm is totally acting like he’s Ainsley’s father-figure right now. I’m here for it. 

25:22 - SORE LOSERS?!? I’m sorry. What? If you weren’t concerned about Ainsley you damn well should be now. That is seriously messed up. People are dead. This is not a game. Do you know who else thought murder was a game? Martin Whitly.

25:31 - Okay. Ainsley has a point. Malcolm lecturing anyone about being reckless is pretty hypocritical. But at least Malcolm cares about her. 

25:54 - Heart. Shattered. Look at how terrified Jessica is. Look at how gentle and reassuring Gil is. UGh. WHY DID SHE BREAK UP WITH HIM??! I mean, I know why I just think she’s a moron for doing it. 

26:00 - Poor Gil. He’s so confused and so concerned. The whole Whitly family is acting crazier then usual and he doesn’t know why. 

26:11 - “Both you and Malcolm are at an 11 and I’ve never seen Ainsley like that.” FIND YOURSELF A MAN WHO CARES LIKE GIL AND NEVER LET HIM GO. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Seriously. The love and concern he shows for this family warms my cold dead heart. 

26:16 - “Her father?!” Oh shit. Now Gil knows there’s something BIG happening. Jessica would never run to Martin unless she absolutely had to. 

26:19 - annnnd Gil’s also being a prideful man who’s feeling are hurt. “You went to him?” He’s right to be though - the woman he loves went to a serial killer for advice before going to the guy who practically co-parented with her. 

26:33 - “I’m here. Whatever you need. I’m here.” <3 <3 Gil is the definition of a good man. <3 I’m in love with it. 

26:48 - “You were right on time for me.” ....*snort* subtle Gil (and in front of JT!!)

27:08 - Edrisa is hysterical on caffeine. hahaha. This whole scene is perfect. 

27:20 - You know someone is acting manic when Malcolm Bright is concerned about their eccentric behaviour. 

27:34 - Annnnnd Tom Payne was a split second from breaking character here. I don’t blame him. hahaha

28:05 - EDRISA flipping and dropping that pencil. HAHAHAHAHAHA

29:10 - “Absolutely not.” hahaha this is funny but also really sweet. Malcolm knows that Edrisa hopped up on caffeine isn’t safe to have near an active killer. Who knows what’ll happen. I wish he’d care that much about his own well being. Looks like calling for backup last episode was a one time thing. 

30:37 - I’ll give the writers one thing - Miss Windsor makes a convincing murder suspect.

31:22 - GIL. STANDING. UP. FOR. JT. IS. EVERYTHING. Where is O’Malley’s back up? Oh yeah, they’re not brave enough to defend him.

32:00 - Huh. Bright texted for backup. This is growth. I’m proud of him. 

32:15 - YES. This JT arc was handled right. Sure JT could’ve complained. It would’ve been episodes upon episodes of bureaucratic nightmares and injustice. This show isn’t about racism. They showed enough to portray that the system is broken and they had JT act like a responsible adult. It’s not fair that JT had to go through this or that he’ll likely experience something similar to it again. But the fact that JT is acting like a bigger person is perfect. JT will protect his family. Always. That includes Malcolm. So JT avoids putting through a formal complaint because he knows that will take time away from doing his job, from protecting others, from hanging out with his wife and kid. JT’s taking the higher road, it might not be gratifying or fair but I respect the hell out of him for taking it. 

32:28 - Gil is so so proud of JT. Look at him. <3 <3 

33:40 - Look, Miss Windsor is a bit of a stuck up bitch but she has a good heart. Look at the way she immediately tells Malcolm where Ainsley is when she realizes what’s happening. 

34:14 - This confused me during the first watch - Ainsley obviously didn’t drink any tea - so why is she drugged? (obviously I know now). 

34:17 - Big brother Malcolm frantically looking for Ainsley is so so sweet. <3 

35:42 - The music, the dolls, and Miss Windsor’s speech here. There’s something about this part of the episode that is strangely reminiscent of 5x16 of Criminal Minds.

36:20 - ......does Miss Windsor have some sort of mental illness? She’s talking to herself and ranting erratically. Is this just emotional stress or something deeper?

37:00 - This is why Malcolm’s not a serial killer. Even now- looking at a killer - he’s trying to sympathize with her. He’s trying to understand why. He’s trying to calm her down, diffuse the threat, and get her mental help. 

39:00 - Oh yeah. Ainsley was definitely going to kill without remorse. Again. I’ve seen some theories that Ainsley only ever tries to kill to protect Malcolm. I disagree. I think Ainsley’s trying to protect herself. Ainsley is pissed off that this girl tried to drug her and kill her because she thinks Ainsley is wicked. Ainsley was pissed at Endicott for whatever he did to Ainsley before Malcolm got there. I think Ainsley felt threatened and scared so she reacted. I don’t think this has anything to do with protecting Malcolm.

39:41 - Malcolm isn’t a killer. Look. He smells gas but he takes the time to carry an unconscious murderer (who literally just tried to kill his sister) out of the building. 

40:00 - The drama. Holy hell. What a weird ending to this case.

40:48 - Who gave Ainsley a police jacket and let her keep it?

41:14 - She almost died and she’s still obsessing over ‘winning’. This is seriously unstable behaviour. Way more concerning than anything Malcolm’s done since 2x1. 

41:45 - “My father was a serial killer also.” Anyone else super irritated by that phrasing?!?  Just me?!? Something about the ‘also’ feels super wrong to me.

41:53 - Oh sweetie. I’d argue that you are more messed up than Malcolm. 

42:06 - Jessica went to see Martin twice in one episode. THIS IS BAD.

42:15 - “Maybe even more so than Malcolm if that’s possible.” Jessica knows her kids. I’m on her side here. 

42:20 - Martin is way too happy about Ainsley showing signs of serial killing. 

42:30 - Jessica? You married an act. That man never existed. He’s always been a serial killer. You just didn’t know it. He’s manipulative and you were a victim to it. 

42:50 - “A partner.” OH THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL. ESPECIALLY FOR THE GIL/JESSICA ARC.

Okay....so definitely the weakest episode of the season so far. AND the fact that we got no mention of Tally and/or the baby this episode is a crime. 

BUT I’M SO SO SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE. It’s going to be a televised fanfic and I can’t wait. 

[crushzone]

Hi Nin! I know this might be weird of me to ask because you are an artist yourself, but I am rather new here and was wondering if you have any other artists you'd recommend? If not that is ok!

Hi there, not weird at all! I LOVE supporting fellow artists, I find their wonderful talent and dedication incredibly inspiring, seeing their beautiful works on my feed constantly reminds me to take a step back from my exhaustion and to simply remember why I love to draw to begin with: because it’s fun.

I’m usually really picky about artists I follow and their style, but when I find the ones that I enjoy, I go ALL OUT with my support. So without further ado, the following artists listed are those I am not only in love with, but those who I genuinely look up to. 

So make sure you stop by their page to show them some love and appreciation for their hard work (because hard work extends beyond the individual pieces they’ve made, it’s also for the countless hours they’ve spent on practicing and perfecting their craft, constantly challenging themselves to learn new techniques). 💛

👇🏼👇🏼 Nin’s Artist Recommendation👇🏼👇🏼

---------------------

@aku-jumbi - HQ!!, Various, You all had seen me share a BUNCH of their works on my blog, but it’s just because their art is so SOOOOOOOOO good. Your style leans toward photorealism, while still maintaining its painting-like quality, so if you had ever wondered how your favorite characters may look like irl, they’ve got you!!! Watching your speed painting is so fascinating, idk how you do it, but you’re always killing it every time (Like our process is so different, so it was really interesting to see how you approach your works you know?). This piece of Kei Tsukishima and Oikawa Tooru are two of my favorite works you’ve done!

@achieve-the-sun - HQ!!, Various, Let me start off by saying that I love Morghy’s art so much, that they are the first and only person I had ever commissioned from so far. They drew Keishin and I sooo adorably, it brings me so much joy to look at it on the daily. Your style reminds me of freshly baked cookies, or the warmth of bakeries, I can’t help but feel a sense of coziness whenever I look at your adorable artworks. This piece you did of Kageyama and Hinata was what had drawn me to you. Everything from your color choices, fluid gestures, and expressions are such a delight to look at!

@chaotickatts - HQ!! I am so in love with Katts, you all. I had never seen anyone draw like this, her style is really unique. I can go on forever about why I love your art, but one of the biggest things that drew me to your style is the way you draw bodies. I like the variation and realistic details you include, for instance, I absolutely adore the way you gave Sakusa more moles on his body, and the way you drew dad bod Osamu. Idk, I think there’s so many different types of body shapes and details out there, and it brings me joy to see you being so inclusive of them in your art.

@namusw - Hunter x Hunter. Was drawn to their Hunter x Hunter works and I don’t even watch/read that manga. Honestly, just check them out, I love everything about their works, they are also a killer at both traditional and digital styles. This piece of Hisoka, Illumi, and Chrollo was the one that made me fall in love.

@cranbearly - HQ!! I really adore the way they draw expressions and their coloring style (inspired me to attempt some flat coloring). This piece of Oikawa and Iwa made me follow them instantly. Expressions are so difficult to nail, and you’ve done such an amazing job conveying every emotion the characters are feeling, I’ve learned so much just from looking at your works, so thank you for blessing us with your craft.

@a-zebra-was-here - HQ!! Their art has a very carefree type of vibe and their coloring style brings me so much joy. I’ve really enjoyed your drawings of the Miyas’, this piece of the twin was what got me, and this other piece, the first image of young Miyas’ was so SO well done, I am in love with the way you colored that. 😻 

@erionmakuo - Various, dude....I want to cry, I don’t even know what to say, EVERY SINGLE PIECE of your artworks just BLOWS ME AWAY. The way you color your art is just so ethereal, the color schemes you had chosen, the way you mix the color of your lighting, textures, and everything in general, I can go on about this all day but just hop on to their blog and you will know exactly what I mean. I don’t have a particular piece that drew me in because I was blessed by all your works at once.

@uranarino - HQ!!, Your artworks bring me so much joy. If I have to describe your style like an experience in life, I would say it reminds me of how it’s like to fall in love with someone for the first time, if that makes sense. That sudden overwhelming feeling you get when you’re doing the most mundane things with someone you care about, only for time to stop as you realize how in love you are with them? Yea, your art captures that really well. These two pieces of Kuroo returning home with his groceries and of him taking a day nap with his cats was what had drawn me to you.

@queenoftheantz - HQ!!, Various, Their style is really unique, it kind of reminds me of an adventurous graphic novel or something you would see on Cartoon Network (idk, I thought of Chowder, but please, I really mean it as a compliment, I just really love the fun cartoon style you have.) They also do some animations! I really love this piece of Kyotani you did, the landscape and colors look SOO GOOD!!

@noodlemanjpg - HQ!!, Various, love LOVE your style and the way you draw expressions. I also really love how you color, your works “appear” effortless, but I know a lot of knowledge and precision is put into crafting it. This piece of Kuroo x Yaku being all cozy at the couch was what had drawn me to your blog, it makes me smile every time I look at it. Kuroo’s smitten expression is just...ahsdl;adjs I can’t help but smile with him.

@diabolism666 - HQ!!, c’mon, you can’t be in the HQ!! fandom without at least seeing one of their artworks. In fact, I had seen your art even before I’ve gotten into this show, and it was love at first sight, lemme tell ya. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. you had drawn are so good, it doesn’t even matter if it’s a more simplistic drawing or elaborate one, I am just always staring at it in awe. Thank you for being so incredibly active about it too, idk how, but you’ve produced so many amazing drawings and we’re just incredibly grateful for it. You draw some of best Tendou, Reon and Toshi out there. Your works have so much range, I really feel like you can draw ANYTHING hahaha.

@viria​ - Various, Viria *sobs* your works are so good. The way you draw faces and affection just gives me butterflies. I don’t even watch Fullmetal Alchemist, but this piece you did of Edward and Winry made me fall so deeply in love with your works. Your style has a certain softness to it, even when it is of an angry character, and I love it.

@nipuni​ - Various, another artist that I am incredibly nervous to tag because your works are just out of the world. You also seem so so nice and is always incredibly helpful whenever anyone sends you an ask. Just...I have the biggest crush on you and your works. EVERYTHING you had drawn is so stunning, and I mean it. The details, pose, composition, and coloring, it is just so perfect, I could pull up particular artworks, but I was really blessed by it all at once. If you are into fantasy-esque realistic looking portraits, check her out, she exudes so much knowledge and talent.

@hinamihere - HQ!!, Your artworks are soo stinkin adorable. Your color choices, expressions and the way you draw hair is just so cute, your art always bring the biggest smile to my face. This piece you did of Akaashi and Bokuto was what drew me to you, when I saw it, I “awhhh”ed so loudly, my hubby had to ask me what’s up, and when I showed it to him, he had the same reaction, even if he’d never seen Haikyuu!!

@oxxuri - BNHA, so SO good, the way you color, light, and draw is so beautiful. Every single detail, down to every lashes and strands of hair is so beautiful. You draw some of the most attractive faces I had ever seen, these drawings of Aizawa and Midoriya brings me so SOOOO much joy, and I don’t even know anything about BNHA.

@amezure - HQ!!, their comic strips always make my day, I was giving their blog a peep so I can pull up specific examples and my statement is instantly confirmed when I stumbled across their newest comic art of Kuroo and Bokuto and started laughing HAHA. 😂 Your self study sheets are incredibly informative and I find myself referencing them often, it’s so nice to see my favorite artists continue to polish their craft through endless amounts of studying, practice, and analysis. It serves as a constant reminder for myself to do the same. I love the way you draw people (check out this piece of Bokuto x Akaashi), but I ESPECIALLY love the way you draw animals. (Specifically anything that has to do with lil owl Bo and Akaashi 🥺)

@obobro - Avatar the Last Airbender, HQ!!, I am absolutely in love with the way you color and draw portraits. Your drawing and detailing has so much range; you have a series of hand drawings, and that alone already displays so SO much range. I was really drawn in by this drawing of Tsukki, Zuka + Azula, and of Sokka + Katara, you can really tell they were related and I love it so much. Your art has so much life to it, it’s truly fascinating. 

---------------------

I have a couple more artists to recommend, so if you’d like a part 2 to this, please lmk.

But yes, I genuinely stand by my recommendations, these guys are so SO good at what they do and I am currently sweating because the thought of tagging all my artist crushes in one post is actually kinda scary lol.

Hope this helps! ✌️ 

[clare-with-no-i]

hello i am the anon who pops up here every once in a while cause im still too lazy to make an ao3 and oh my god the new chapter!!!! you just!!! oh my god!!!! you can’t just leave it like that why would you torture me like that😭😭 i know you said things would pick up but i never expected that. (i mean that in a good way tho i loved it) i’m literally in class rn but i have to talk about the new chapter first lol. i feel so bad for lily, like you said homegirl really is going through it. and the bit where james ran to her!!!! oh my god!!! i keep saying oh my god but that’s all i can think of right now!! oh my god!!! and the bit in the poem about james.. what are they gonna do to him😭😭 and i’m dreading lily’s reaction when she finds out about what he did to snape. basically idk how to function after this chapter and that is a high compliment your writing is phenomenal and so well-paced, the way you executed this chapter’s drama was👌🏻👌🏻. basically oh my god, this was so good, i can’t wait for more, i love your writing more than words can express, and once again for emphasis, oh my god!!

omg this is SO MUCH!! thank you for popping up and brightening my morning!! Also please do your class work I don’t want to be responsible for any missed marks 😭 hahaha. I’m going to use this LOVELY and detailed review to clarify some things if you don’t mind!! Thank you so so much for sending your feelings to me, and please continue to do so regardless of your AO3 status lol! I always love to hear what people think.

so yes—homegirl is really going thru it right now, and honestly I worried a lot that this chapter was going to be the tipping point for a lot of people that I’m just putting her in bad situations to see how James reacts, which, I cannot stress enough, is not the case.

Petunia’s letter sucked and was tough for her, but it was also necessary setup in multiple ways to get us where we are right now!

LOL the Gashlycrumb Tinies bit, I figured this would come up: it’s actually a coincidence that the character’s name in the poem is James, it doesn’t have anything to do with James Potter. That line could have had any J name and would have worked :)

Mostly though thank you so much for such kind words about my writing!! This was the first chapter I was really, really nervous about posting. It’s a big departure from the two previous chapters and it sets a very different mood, but it’s always been my plan! So thank you for such an affirming message, I’m SO glad you enjoyed it/were shocked by it!!!

Much love and I can’t wait to share what’s next!

[purplesurveys]

777

do you think weird it's for someone to have never tried soda? I’d be surprised that they were never curious enough to try it if they can access soda, but then again I live in a third world country and not everyone gets to try everything. I’ve learned to judge less when it comes to opportunities like this. is there any foreign film you recommend? Portrait of a Lady on Fire was fucking intense and so, so so good. do you have the same religious beliefs as your parents? My dad might also be atheist, but I’ve never known for sure. He once confided in me that he was atheist in college but “it changed” when he met my mom... but honestly we’ve always grunted the same way whenever my mom tells us it’s time to pray or if we have to watch our weekly mass livestream. So idk. I think he just acts Catholic to appease her, but yeah he’s definitely weird about it. which floor of your house/building are you on now? Second floor. It’s my first time to want to hang out in my bedroom in months because IT’S ACTUALLY RAINING and it’s cold enough in my room to wanna stay here. are there any maps hanging in your room? No maps here.

are you often a third wheel? or is someone a third wheel to you? Yep I third wheel pretty often. My girlfriend and I study in different schools and I have friends in my school who are couples, so if Gab isn’t visiting my campus for the day I just tag along with my couple friends. I don’t get bothered or feel insecure by it because I have my own relationship lolol what's the last dvd you bought? Holy shit...DVD? I don’t even remember anymore. It was most likely an Audrey Hepburn film, back in 2013 when I was really into her. That or Beyoncé’s Life Is But A Dream documentary, which was the last thing she ever released on DVD. Also came out in 2013. tell me about your favorite pair of jeans. High-waisted 90s-styled jeans. Nothing much to say other than they fit me well, I got a lot of compliments whenever I have them on, and they match any t-shirt I paired with, which made me like wearing t-shirts again haha. would you ride a motorcycle if given the chance? (or have you?) I would but only if someone super experienced was driving. I haven’t been on one because my parents don’t allow me to, and tbh I don’t mind the rule because I’m mostly scared of motorcycles anyway. is your hair healthy? No. Some hair salon I went to around ten years ago put some cheap products in my hair when I had it rebonded and it never felt 100% healthy again. Until today it gets very stiff when it gets into contact with water and only shampoo, and I always have to pair it with conditioner. if a hotel offered free breakfast in bed, what would you order? Eggs Benedict and some very creamy warm coffee. how often do you take a train? Never. I don’t trust the public transport here and I’m better off driving in my own car. what are your thoughts on reincarnation? (have you ever read up about it?) I don’t think of it at all because I don’t believe in it. I don’t mind others who are into it, just don’t shove it down my throat.  what's your favorite led zeppelin song? I don’t have one. does your home have a balcony/deck/porch? Yeah we have a balcony. We used to have a full balcony, but we transformed 3/4 of it into my brother’s current room a few years ago because he was starting to grow up and he needed his own room. We retained 1/4 of the space so that it can be the place where my dog can still do his business. what does your closet/wardrobe say about you? It says I am a very messy person who can’t keep her closet consistently organized lol. It will also tell you I’m quite girly based on the clothes I own. do you enjoy theatre? I was never a fan. how would you feel about traveling abroad alone? If I was offered the chance to do it I certainly wouldn’t give it up, but I really, really, preferably would travel with at least one companion. Traveling is one of those experiences I’d want to share with someone, and I would hate if I had to go back to my hotel room at the end of the day with no one to talk to. who would you call a lyrical genius? Laura Jane Grace. how do you treat yourself? My go-to gift for myself is giving into my cravings hahaha. Nothing speaks more to me than food, and if I feel like I deserve a reward for a job well done, I’ll go to a slightly more expensive restaurant to celebrate. do you have an interesting passport? Idk, it’s a normal one and I never had it customized or anything. are you going to pursue a career according to what you enjoy? I hope I get to. I really enjoyed my PR internship and I’d love to be headed there. what happens to your old clothes? They go to the very back or the very bottom of my wardrobe for the most part. My mom will make us throw out clothes we don’t like anymore once a year, so that’s the time I get to get rid of them. what's your favorite frozen treat? Cornetto ice cream is one of my faaaaavorite comfort snacks. The end of the cone where they save chocolate chunks is the best part. who supports you financially? My parents. Getting increasingly guiltier about it by the day, too. if you wanted to go to the movie cinema, how would you get there? I would wait for the clock to strike midnight tonight, because in 48 minutes they’ll finally loosen lockdown rules AND I CAN FINALLY GO OUT. Hahaha. After that I’ll jump to my car, drive out of the village, take a u-turn, and I’m there. how many pillows are on your bed? Two big ones. would you pay more for organic food? Only if I had the money for it. Organic food is a thing of the (very) privileged here and is not very accessible to begin with, unless you’re in posher grocieries. have you ever had a crush on a sibling's friend or a friend's sibling? I haven’t. I’d find it weird considering they’re all a bit younger than me. do you have a friend who mooches? what to do about it? (or is it you?) She’s never done it with me but I’ve heard enough horror stories about her to know that she tends to do this, but yeah Mils is apparently quite the moocher. I’m soooo not one; I’d wait for my friends to offer to pay for stuff, but otherwise I’m fighting them over the bill lmao. do you know much about feng shui? (do you use it?) I’m not knowledgeable on it but I’m definitely familiar with it, because we have a rather large Filipino-Chinese community/culture in the country that glorifies feng shui during Chinese New Year season. I don’t really have a choice but have Chinese culture shoved down my throat whether it’s in the news, the media, or my Chinese friends.  how would you make friends in a quiet class? I preferably wouldn’t because I’m only interested in getting good grades and getting that class over with hahaha. But if I was interested in making a friend or two, I’d typically scan the classroom and see who seems to be responsible? Like if they take notes as hard as I do. are you generally a quick learner? No. I take some time, and I especially take long if the thing being taught is more hands-on, like origami. I’ve just never been good at following certain tasks, and I prefer learning from reading instructions. what's your favorite spot to read? Skywalk or the dining table. has anyone given you a nickname you didn't like? (what was it?) Not that I can recall. I’m okay with all of them. did you know that buddha is not considered a god to buddhists? Yes. do you save tickets from movies, etc.? If it’s a significant enough date or event, sure. I’ve kept my 2018 Paramore gig ticket to this day, but like I’ve thrown out my ticket for Knives Out because I hated the movie lol. without looking him up, who was jim morrison? Vocalist for The Doors. when's the last time your bedroom was painted/wallpapered? Idk, 2006 or 2007 when the house was being made? It’s never been repainted. teach me something in another language. (not french/chinese/german/arabic) Why so language-ist lmaooooooo uh “Nakauwi ka na?” means “Did you get home? / Have you gotten home?” what type of body wash did you last use? Idk, I never read the labels on it actually. what type of music do you like and why? Right now I’m into lo-fi because it makes me feel relaxed, but I’m also starting to get into the recent trend where today’s artists put out songs that sound like they’re from the 80s, like Dua Lipa’s Physical or The Weeknd’s Blinding Lights - I think the genre is called synth pop/synthwave. They simply sound cool haha and they’re awesome to listen to while driving. if you randomly want to eat something in the house, do you eat it or wait? I check the time, like if we’re supposed to be having dinner soon, then act accordingly. who knows the most about you (besides yourself)? My girlfriend. do you have a nervous habit? (e.g. biting nails, tapping feet, smoking) Plucking eyebrow or eyelash hair, but that behavior is reserved for extreme cases where I’m incredibly and inconsolably anxious. On a milder day I would vape, sigh a lot, or bite my nails. how's your favorite pro sports team doing lately? I don’t watch sports with teams. would you be/are you a good role model to a younger sibling? I don’t get into trouble but I’m not the best influence either.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

40, 47, 59, 62, 76

lmao hell yeah thanks for All this support i love it!! quastions

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

really idk i feel like even our schools’s Antics were pretty par for the course and i was just sitting in the corner reading the whole time basically......trying to think if anything wild happened in college but even then it was p similar. well you know what, whatever donors covered the majority of the cost of the school’s black box theater being renovated apparently Stipulated that every other year a rodgers and hammerstein production be put on. absolute freaks. my roommate/friend and their then-boyfriend, the one mormon i have Knowingly Known in my life, were in pirates of penzance (sic?) together. hilarious

47. favorite type of cheese?

i like cheddar and like, parmesan, smoked gouda.....let’s get that shit Sharp!!! and hard lmao

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

idk i’d be like an npc just doing their weird thing on their own. i’ve never played pokemons unless you count pokemons Go but i think about the famed “i like shorts they’re comfy and easy to wear” npc kid. like, yeah. i feel the same. and would say similar bullshit nobody asked about

62. seven characters you relate to?

oh god.........recognizing the self through the relatable characters :|

well let’s just talk about the wrol roles right off b/c the characters that Most occupy my gay thoughts (which is to say: my general thoughts) will inevitably get priority when it comes to Remembering things

1) whom among us doesn’t relate to jared kleinman........will roland emerging from relative obscurity and coming for our entire fucking lives like the goddamn legend he is. it’s tough b/c it’s like, oh well alana is relatable too, so is evan unfortunately sorry evan, and in ways i might ~usually act~ like one of those two more than jared but. no. it is Jared who wins the relatability contest, and we all get to be beautifully haunted by it forever

2) leaning hard into winston even with the few glimpses of him b/c somehow will Cannot play an allistic cishet. and this is even More of a case where maybe i don’t much have winston’s demeanor.......even without winston being a beacon of confidence, he has more confidence lmao. and he has that ability to just Be Himself in a situation which, i wish i had that moxie lmao. i am a lot more [usually trying to be accommodating wayyyy harder than i should], booo......even though he’s clearly not great at conflict considering how it doesn’t take Too much to put him out, it’d be pretty impossible for me to be all “called them hacks and lame” or carry out a very irritated monologue in front of four people in the first place lmao. but who knows. and it’s more in the details of like, oh no winston’s the odd one out even though he hasn’t really Done Anything, but we all ~understand~ why he Deserves it.........his expectation / treating it basically as Fact that he will disappoint people.......the [weird] [offputting] behaviors and his way of speaking in What he Says and How He Says It seeming wrong to people.......like it’s only 15-ish min of content that we have here and we don’t have the least info about will’s own thoughts on the character but it’s like. how is this such an iconic Gay Autistic Quant b/c these vibes are so rare. and i appreciate that he can be ~difficult~ lmao. same with jared though i didn’t mention it. i can be difficult!! love it for us...

3) briony atkins from murder of bindy mackenzie as a character who Does act more like how i Usually Act Like lmao.....god we’re only on three i forgot there was seven of these. and yet i know there’s probably at least 2 dozen characters who could make this list and i just won’t think of most of them unless directly reminded......but anyways yeah i mean in person i mostly do Not want attention unless i feel comfortable enough / in my element or whatever. especially if it’d be some situation like “sitting in a group of randos” lol. i mean it depends b/c i also can sometimes be ~on~ in terms of Masking and trying to be like Haha I’m Social I’m Regular and i def engage in Nervous Chatter sometimes, but like, very often it’s like god don’t talk to me and i don’t want to talk either.....and then yeah people Will be surprised that like, idk, i’m opinionated as shit and idk that i Enjoy Things / Have Thoughts And Feelings coz the assumption i guess is that you must simply have nothing to say. so the dismissal of this person who seemingly has nothing to contribute and must be Boring rings true lmfao.....but then of course it’s also important that her personality Under that is the one getting mistaken for emily’s lol cuz yeah At Heart i am sure of that dramatic / intense / excitable type Sometimes. but it takes some excavation before i am like “oh i can engage in my actual self” and like weeks and months to get comfortable w/ people and i’m always suspicious that anyone actually would enjoy it and i’m not too much......i am a motormouth actually and have something to say about any and everything and like to Have Fun Here but like. idk i come off as boring and can be Notably Quiet lmao

4) oscar martinez from the office is weirdly [Haha Same] sometimes lmfao. sort of keeps to himself but also has to pipe up with Opinions and Pedantry and the kind of Drama of a restrained theatre gay. some deleted scene from an episode where during an interview clip of Jimothy in a theater lobby and you have oscar call from across the group in that [wearied Ugh God] way of ‘jim, they’re remaking ___’ while jim just kind of gives a cursory “wow gosh” or whatever and like, i sure don’t have lots of Theatre Opinions but that “oh jeez i have a Take on this and have to share it with someone” vibe is like hahaha yeah.....it’s funny in the “the gang goes to the ice rink for a third of the ep” bit where you just catch oscar doing [ice skating turn] with some solemn intensity.......the “here’s a question nobody’s asking: is this worth it” quote.........way at the end where there’s a whole deal with one of the indoor plants and he’s like “why is it a He” @ the collective gendering of the houseplant lmfao.......i love the one thing where he and pam and uhh toby right? have the Finer Things book club or whatever and jim wants to join just like ~ironically~ and pam has to tell him that oscar doesn’t want him to join b/c he’s not going to take it seriously and use it as a Jokes Vehicle. and then you get the scene at the end where jim Is basically doing that and they’re just like taking it out of him and oscar’s all very seriously like “did you get it all out of your system” lmfao like yeah, earnest members only lmao.....the thing where he gets mad at angela’s like Jazz Musician Posed Babies posters all “it’s kitsch it Destroys art” lmaoooo and in a totally different season all “this is the problem with debate” over the completely inconsequential “is [whichever actress, i forget] Hot” “”””debate””””.......the whole tendency to get involved and always have a take to get across.....opinionated-sometimes-to-the-point-of-petty central. also that he’s the canon gay, are there even any others? anyways and as the us office’s spiritual successor i’ll add on to this by uh what’s the name of billy eichner’s character on parks and rec? it’s craig right. that Self-Powered Intensity is very #me as well.

5) augh god........im like lmfao shit who represents my Hater Club side. hmmm. oh no wait you know what. totally different but i love Prof Beatrice Hotchkiss in the trt nancy drew pc game. she’s holed up in her room writing all the time and just is weird when you try to talk to her all like no i won’t open the door, bring me food, do this Research, bring me my Ski Boots i guess......and then when you do meet her it’s all at like post-midnight in the lounge and she’s all like, encouraging you as a Night Owl and your investigative curiosity and all and i’m like oh word yeah being up in the dead of night is the shit. she’s just weird and passionate and this is another character i might not Act hardly at all like but who i vibe with lmfao. hotchkiss was the supportive adult in my life

6) remembering how hotchkiss is a historian made me think of academia which made me think of like, once again with “these vibes are So So Rare” i really ought to put the wrol role of Nato on the list cuz like. that essential representation of “gets gr8 grades but isn’t really ~academic~ / doesn’t care about that and really just cares about Hanging W Friends and [real specific interests]” is like wow damn that’s the Mood. coz like to an extent i can always Relate to the ~overachiever~ types a la the [nerd character gets all-A’s and other nerd shit] deal, but there’s eventually the issue of like.....those characters like bindy mackenzies and alana becks Care about their achievements (not exclusively as some ppl would have it 9_9) and are Studious whereas i always hated school and was a godawful student in terms of Habits and always got good grades b/c the devil was with me or something and like people will think i must have tried real hard and dedicated myself to Academics and stuff and it’s like.........no................not at all hardly, sure i did my hw every night but at like 11:29 pm or studied for a midterm at lunch right before the class lol or flipped through a lil bit of the sat study guide the night prior.........the “low-effort dumbass who Academically Excels Anyhow” representation is so crucial like!! i run into a wall when it’s the Good Grades nerd character who is real studious and focused and stuff like. couldn’t be me. meanwhile the “naturally weird + probably some ‘deliberate’ weirdness” and “likes animals” and “most likely to just wanna Roll With It” and “shitty focus lol” and “non sequiturs” and “without [activity] i do nothing” is all like....ahahahohoho..........nato rly got to make this list. and honorable mention for Wrol Jeremy. again: whom doesn’t relate!!!!!!!!

7) damnit i know there’s So many answers to [characters i relate to] and whom cover like, more particular Facets here but i’m struggling lmao. Uh. like i’m like, who’s the Hot Mess / continually evolving disaster characters i vibe with......who’s the peak despresso detached Haters rep......who embodies the solo production lifestyle........dammit you know what lol i tend to Feel for like, the background ~nobodies~ who might just get like totally destroyed in some movie with life or death stakes just to like, show how much danger our heroes / Important Complex Protags are. same w/ jeremy not feeling like the Hero / the one who the story’s about / the cool guy / player 1 / etc etc etc i’m like oo i’d be the npc who doesn’t really do anything, i’d be the rando getting blown away in the background of someone else’s story. on a totally different note another shoutout / honorable mention to wybie from the coraline lmfao one of the best characters invented from thin air for an adaptation......tangentially relevant b/c he’s entirely here to support the protag / not his story at all, just here to help and prompt interactions / exposition really.......but love that [weird loner kid who’s best friend is a cat and annoys the other kid and doesn’t Get it and has specific interests and entertains himself and just is doing weird shit around here tf dude lmao killing it] like, #mood. #lifestyle. less dismal to relate to than the bg person who dies......his counterpart who totally dies is somewhat fleshed out / given Investment so it doesnt Really count as [background Nobody who’s really just fodder for “defining the stakes / threat level”] Character Concept

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

latkes maybe......Yummy

[29anima-blog]

Best. Convo. Ever.

3:27AM    4/03/19

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like sad.

Stranger: Hello

You: hello

You: hows it going fellow sad human :)

You: :(*

Stranger: Not actually a human

You: :O same here

Stranger: It's going alright, not really that good

Stranger: How about you

You: mehh could be better

Stranger: I feel that

You: anything particular or is it just life lol?

Stranger: Yeah, just need some inspiration to get me going again

You: aha i getchu

Stranger: How are things on your end? What can make your life better

You: ahh thats a big question

You: lets just say im quite an overthinker

Stranger: I know the feeling

You: So I worry too much about what I want to die with my life etc

You: but im going through a "not giving a shit phase" atm lol

Stranger: Yeah, that's a big thing for a lot of people

Stranger: I'm sure you'll find something you'll enjoy

Stranger: Umm are you in any programs? Like that the school offers

Stranger: Maybe you'll find something you enjoy there

Stranger: Its always good to have hobbies

You: hmm not really im quite an antisocial person so i hadnt considered it

You: i do music on the side for fun

You: but its quite pricey hahah

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Hobbies can definitely be expensive

You: yeah im currently saving up for some equipment so

Stranger: That's nice, goals yass

You: well what do you like to do for fun?

Stranger: ATM I'm into gaming

You: oo me too

You: although i havnt played games for a while

Stranger: Ahh

Stranger: I play shooters mostly

Stranger: I do enjoy other games occasionally

You: yaas pc or a console?

Stranger: Mostly console

Stranger: A little pc here and there

You: ahh i see

Stranger: Yep

Stranger: I'm just in love with edits in videos I want to be more involved with the community but like you I am also sort of antisocial at times

You: Ahhhh

You: you do edits?

Stranger: A little but I'm really not good

You: ah i doubt that

You: what types of edits

You: i wish i was good at video editing haha

Stranger: ATM kinda like a montage

You: ah thats cool

Stranger: I love the community but I'm just so scared of it tbh

You: ah i feels

Stranger: I've never really had anxiety and stuff, but I understand now

Stranger: There's a few people in the community I have a real hard time talking to

Stranger: Like my heart is bumpin' super fast and sometimes I get a sinking feeling

Stranger: Do you have any solutions?

You: aw one of my best friends is like that

You: hmm

You: well recently she's been forcing herself into social situations

You: umm

You: i would start small maybe just talk to a stranger on the bus or something

Stranger: I hate lfgs but it'll probably help

You: ahh understandable

Stranger: I suck online, in person I'm alright

Stranger: Idk why that is

You: i dont really like social situations but it doesnt make me too nervous

You: ahh really?its the opposite for me hahah

You: in person im awkward asf

Stranger: I can be too, but it's usually when I want people to stop talking to me

You: aha

Stranger: I'm not really one to tell someone to go away or shut up

You: For me it would take a while for me to be myself around you if id just met you

You: like id have to chill with you for a long time

You: yeahh me too tbh

Stranger: Yeah, I feel that

You: i get especially awkward if i like someone and im talking to them lmfao

Stranger: Oh lmao

You: thats the only time ill really be nervous

Stranger: Last time I was like that was middle school haha

You: ahh hahah

You: wait how old is middle school lol

Stranger: Do you play any sports or something?

You: we dont use those terms in the UK lol

You: yeahh basketball and I go to the gym a lot

Stranger: Umm like 12, 13, 14

You: ahh so how old are you now?

You: and are you into sports?

Stranger: 19 :/

Stranger: Yeah, wrestling

You: ahh 16 here

Stranger: Oh boy

You: Oo thats awesome

Stranger: Yeah it was fun

Stranger: Especially if you're good

You: i took up kick boxing recently

Stranger: Because then you can use it as like a line

You: i enjoy it way more than karate

You: ahh right

Stranger: Talking to a girl or something, be like aye come watch my matches

Stranger: Don't recommend sitting with them until after you shower tho

You: hahaha

You: ah well I am a girl so don't think i'd be doing that lol

Stranger: Idk some of the girls out here are spitting game

Stranger: Like when I was in school they were smooth af

You: lmaoo

You: id have to be extremely comfortable around someone to have game lol

Stranger: I'm just saying it's just natural for some

You: yeah ive seen

Stranger: One of my best friends, she had a guy miss his stop and go to her house I was like woah

You: god damn lol

Stranger: They ended up dating for two years

You: wow

Stranger: Yeah man, some people out here are experts, I've only been in a handful of relationships

Stranger: So I'm not the best when it comes to keeping people around

You: ahh i get youu

Stranger: Yeah, a lot of my relationships ended pretty bad

Stranger: How about you?

You: How old were you when u had your first serious relationship

You: aw damn that sucks

Stranger: Like 13

You: aha 14 here

Stranger: Wait what do you mean by serious?

You: when I had my first boyfriend

Stranger: Like sexual stuff or like

You: no just like

You: i dont even know what i meant tbh

Stranger: Yeah then, 13

You: rightt

Stranger: We we're together for a while going to each other houses to hang out and stuff

Stranger: I loved her family

Stranger: Super friendly

Stranger: We just drifted apart and I kinda was mean

Stranger: How did yours go?

You: ah suckss

You: well uh it was great at first

You: i was 14 he was 15

Stranger: Ooo

You: like we had a lot in common and many mutual friends

You: we were together for about a year

You: thinks just got ugly the last few months like he was really aggressive

You: and then yeahh that was that

Stranger: Like how?

Stranger: Idk I was just giving her the cold shoulder without even realizing it

You: at first he would just lose his temper and throw shit around or punch something

You: but then he hit me one time in front of all of my friends

Stranger: Yeah, that's a no no

You: and I was actually willing to forgive him but my friends didn't let me to

You: and im glad they didnt

Stranger: That's good

You: i was quite naive then but

You: nah lol

Stranger: I meant like them not letting you forgive him ahha

You: yeahh I know :p

You: were you in love with her

You: the girl you grew apart form

Stranger: Umm sort of

Stranger: Hard to explain

You: yeah love is a tricky word

Stranger: I tend to use it in the wrong sense

Stranger: Idk, she was really cool, we didn't really share many things but she was understanding

Stranger: Because we were completely different people

You: ahh

Stranger: At the end of the day, she had both her parents her whole life and was sheltered, I didn't so I knew way more than her in that sense

You: ahh :( must of been hard

Stranger: Eh, I had my uncles to keep me in check

Stranger: And even tho my dad wasn't there a lot to help me, he still showed me a lot of things

Stranger: Like never lay a hand on a woman, and look out for others

You: ah i see

Stranger: I'm the second oldest

Stranger: 2 brothers 2 sisters

You: ah wow

You: ive just got an older brother

Stranger: Was he nice ?

You: Well

You: when we were younger we pretty much hated eachother and he always hit me lol

You: but now he's more supportive and a much calmer guy

Stranger: Lmao

You: he had loads of issues i cant really hate him anymore

You: but he's quite a jealous guy so hes scared of other boys lol

Stranger: I feel that

Stranger: Oh really now? Like he doesn't have guy friends or

You: yeah hes been like a dad to me pretty much lol

You: nah he does but like

You: hes scared of my interactions with guys because, in his words he "knows what guys are like"

Stranger: That's true

You: so he would threaten me to not have a boyfriend and shit lol

Stranger: Yeah

You: im kind of glad he was like that though

Stranger: Have you been to a part yet?

Stranger: Party

You: prevented me from doing dumb shit

You: Yeah one

You: not really my thing

Stranger: Go to a few more then you'll see what he means

You: Yeah I pretty much understood from that party hahha

You: pretty much an excuse to drink, smoke and have sex

Stranger: Yep

Stranger: Like we come from different places

Stranger: Out here in Illinois people are like less picky

You: oh really?

Stranger: A lot of my friends back back in middle school lost their virginity to the same girl

You: whoa

Stranger: So like I your brother said, he knows what guys want

Stranger: When I mean a lot I mean like 3

You: damn

Stranger: Idk, I just don't like the idea of my mans being with the same girl as me

Stranger: I've always been like that

You: yeah i get you

Stranger: I'm glad you're close to your brother I'm not close to my older brother

You: ah what about your other siblings?

Stranger: Closer but not super close

Stranger: I kinda keep to myself now

You: yeah im close with him in one sense, but theres a lot i cant talk to him about

You: ahh i feels

Stranger: Yeah, like when I was 15, I stopped talking to a lot of people

Stranger: Depression hit me hard

You: shit :/

Stranger: Yeah, shit can be tough especially if you don't talk to people

Stranger: Just a fyi, if you have issues find someone to talk to

You: yeah definitely

Stranger: But be careful because some people will use it against you

You: yeah ive always been a closed book

You: especially females!!

You: they love having dirt on somebody

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: That's how my umm relationship at 15 ended

Stranger: I told her what was going on and she told the whole school and stuff

You: wow wtf

Stranger: It was really bad because I was umm sent away for a little

You: jesus

Stranger: Yeah I was out for like two weeks

Stranger: 3 days at the hospital then about a little more than a week at the facility

You: ahh shit :c

Stranger: After that I didn't really trust anyone

Stranger: Tbh I only just started talking to people about my problems

You: yeah i get what that feels like people have broken my trust a lot growing up

You: yeah same really

You: I was forced into counselling and i hating going at first

You: my counsellor saw i hated talking to people so she encouraged me to talk to a friend

Stranger: The person I had listening, I didn't really like her do I stopped going

Stranger: So*

You: and this friend i knew i could trust so i told her a lot

Stranger: That's good

Stranger: I grew away from my best friend

You: Yeahh it felt really unnatural so i just prefered talking to someone close

Stranger: There's just some things I can't tell him

You: Yeah i get you

You: I was scared i would drive her away if i told her certain things

Stranger: Idk I want to tell someone but I don't trust anyone

You: but i still told her a lot

Stranger: It's not about driving them away

You: someone in the family maybe?

Stranger: Its about them telling the person

Stranger: I told you how I'm not close to my brother but we have a lot in common and he's closer to the family than me

Stranger: So I can't really vent to my uncles or cousins

You: right

You: ermm

You: the things you wanted to talk abiout

You: is it something that can be used against you in a way?

Stranger: Sort of

Stranger: It's more or less like I'll say something then they'll bring stuff to just destroy my character and stuff

Stranger: The way we talk is people get really defensive and start attacking you if they don't like what you have to say

You: ah i understand

You: thats a shitty position to be in :c

Stranger: Yeah, I can't tell any of my online friends either because I don't want people to think different of me if they know I tried to commit suicide

Stranger: One of the people in the community I love knows because she was one of the first people I told

You: damn

Stranger: But she told her bf back in the day and he sent me a lot of hurtful messages

You: people can be really ignorant about these kinds of things so i get its hard to talk about

You: what the fuck

You: thats so messed up smh :(

Stranger: It was like 3ish years ago but I still remember it

Stranger: He isn't with her anymore but when I do end up talking to her, my stomach sinks so much

Stranger: And my heart beats really fast

You: crap

You: have you spoken to her about that?

Stranger: Honestly just thinking about her just makes me nervous, not really very briefly

Stranger: It was just catching up and she has changed as a person and I'm just scared tbh

You: ahh damn

Stranger: Honestly, this is the biggest reason why I don't feel motivated. This is why I need inspiration

You: what specifically

Stranger: The fact that she knows that I tried to commit suicide and like I said I want to play a bigger part of the community and she streams occasionally and I don't want the community to know. Because I know I'll get a lot of messages and stuff

Stranger: Hate stands out a lot more than support

You: ahh definitely i feel that

Stranger: It makes me really nervous

You: what do you think would help?

Stranger: I don't know

Stranger: I over think as well

Stranger: Like idk one of my good friends I've been playing with for a year straight kinda did some lame shit so

Stranger: I'm not really trusting anyone

You: ah damn

Stranger: We umm got into some illegal activities and he liked about something and it was something big

Stranger: So I don't know how much he'll do to make the like true even if it means one of us will get sent away to prison

Stranger: Lie

You: ohh shit

Stranger: Yeah, so I haven't talked to that guy in like 3 weeks or so

Stranger: So I'm on edge and don't trust anyone

You: thats understandable

You: given everything thats happened

Stranger: Thanks for listening

Stranger: Even tho I don't have solutions for everything I will try to talk to people a little more so I can be a bit more friendly

You: Thank you too stranger this has been quite a good talk

You: and i never do this kind of thing lol

Stranger: Oh?

Stranger: What do you usually do

You: Nothing really I just swim around in my thoughts

Stranger: Aww

Stranger: I wouldn't mind listening to some thoughts (:

You: Like I know there is a certain person I can trust but I hate worrying people or burdening them with my problems

You: ahh I appreciate that

You: I don't even know where to begin haha

Stranger: It's cool just say whatever's on your mind

You: Okay just so you get a better understanding I'll tell you a bit about me lol

Stranger: I'm all ears

You: Right so ill just start to when I was around 10 years old

You: I always felt different and I was quite isolated from people because of it

You: like i didnt really have friends because the ones I had ended up hating me or breaking my trust or some dumb shit

Stranger: What made you feel different? Anything in particular?

You: and I got bullied for like a year

Stranger: Ahh

You: Uhh well

You: I thought differently to everyone else

You: Like

You: everyone was so much more willing to be ignorant about things just because it made them happier

Stranger: Definitely, I know how dumb people can be

You: And everyone around me would be after small meaningless things and I felt like I always thought big

You: idk what im saying hahah but yeah people pretty much thought I was a weirdo and i got bullied for it

Stranger: A lot of people miss the big picture

Stranger: I never really got bullied

You: so when i was 11 i had my first real real friends

Stranger: A little name calling here and there

You: yeah it really sucked im glad it didnt last too long

Stranger: What we're their names?

Stranger: That's nice

You: hahaha

Stranger: Were

You: I really don't remember now I left that school

Stranger: Awww

Stranger: One of my old best friends was cody

You: ohh you mean my friends

Stranger: He was a goofy kid

Stranger: Yeah silly

You: soz im so sleep deprived i read it wrong hahah

Stranger: It's okay

You: Well there was three of us

You: crystal, danielle and tamanna

You: them three*

You: and there was me

You: so it was a small friendship circle and i was friends with them from ages 11, 12, 13, 14

You: like there was additions to the group but i wont say much about them

Stranger: I feel that we all got our groups

You: but during these few years i was still that same weird different kid

You: but I suppressed that and acted like somebody else so I would have friends

Stranger: I sort of did the same thing

You: and yeah these friends weren't great, they lied a lot, said a lot about eachother (including me) behind eachothers back, spread rumours, told secrets

You: so I knew i couldnt trust them with the things i was thinking or whatnot

Stranger: Yeah, it's tough finding trustworthy people at that age

Stranger: You gotta find them before all that

Stranger: Hormones can do a lot to mess things up

You: so yeah, 14 years old was when I was really down about it, I felt lonely all the time because I was constantly stuck in my own thoughts

You: yeahh definitely

Stranger: Did you think about the same things

You: So I would spend a lot of time on my own which was the biggest mistake lol

You: pretty much yeah but

Stranger: Definitely

You: there was a lot i was thinking about

Stranger: Like what

You: Ahh things about people, things about like, our purpose

You: it got really unhealthy i guess

You: life**

You: i guess i asked a lot of questions which couldn''t be answered

Stranger: When I was younger I always knew what I wanted in life

You: ahh really?

Stranger: Yeah, it's kinda silly and a lot of people think it's lame but my friends and I all wanted to become pro players

You: ah thats sick

Stranger: That was back in the day 6ish years ago

You: its not silly at all

Stranger: It is, in the sense that it's a lot of work and a lot of people don't make it

You: True but, its good to have dreams and ambitions

You: something to work towards

Stranger: Most definitely but people need a back up plan

You: Yeah definitely

Stranger: What did you want

Stranger: Like in life

You: I never knew to be honest

You: generally I wanted to help or inspire people

You: but never knew specifically what

Stranger: I'm sure there's something that'll bring you in (:

You: but that all went to shit when i got olde rhahah

You: yeahh I'm waiting for it :)

Stranger: I'm sure you'll get the passion back and start caring again

You: I hope so

Stranger: Sometimes when I need motivation I watch some videos of people I look up to

You: Theres other things I need to fix first before that can happen

Stranger: For sure

You: ah thats nice

Stranger: Work on yourself before helping others

You: Yeah I know that I should but

You: idk i never really felt worth the effort I always thought everyone else was more important

You: second biggest mistake lol

Stranger: I feel that

Stranger: I was actually failing a lot of classes because I spent all my time helping others and not doing my own work

Stranger: So I just cheated on all my paperwork with friends

You: ah wow

You: damn

Stranger: That was middle school tho

Stranger: Can't do that in highschool

Stranger: You'll get into serious trouble

You: yeahh

You: its kind of like that here

Stranger: Academic dishonesty is a big issue

You: slightly different system

Stranger: Especially if you want to get into a big school

You: but theres mostly exam papers

You: oh yeah 100%

Stranger: Yeah

You: ahh I have such little time to fix up though

You: like last year I was really stupid

Stranger: Why

You: and the year before hahah

Stranger: What did you do

You: ahh lets see

You: so

You: when I was 14 I just fell into a deep hole of bullshit and stupidity and got into the habit of harming myself

You: and I left all of my old friends and found new, even worse friends

Stranger: I feel it, I did the same sort of

Stranger: Did they encourage your behavior?

You: but i "loved" them for the reason that we would smoke a lot of weed together

You: no nobody knew i hid it all the time

Stranger: Ahhh, yeah drugs are definitely something interesting

You: yeah definitely

Stranger: I don't think anyone who isn't there mentally should do drugs

You: dumbest thing I could have done in my situation as it was the only think I was relying on to make me even the slightest bit happy

You: yeah so true

Stranger: Happiness can be tricky

You: and then in that friendship group was this one guy who I wont go into much detail about but we were both mentally fucked up so we were just toxic together and fucked eachother up even more

Stranger: I did the same thing

You: and my mum found out about me harming myself so i was forced into counselling, my mum was getting panic attacks because of stressing about me

You: which made me feel shit so i started harming myself again

Stranger: Awww ):

You: and then at 15

You: is like one of the most important exams we do in the UK

Stranger: We do it at like 16-17

You: and basically i didnt really care much about life so I purposefully failed everything

Stranger: ):

You: here its 15-18

You: 17*

You: and then i left to go to a new school because i hated everyone there so im going there currently

You: and the most important exams

You: well the first year of it

You: are coming up

You: and yeah I'm still not in a really good place mentally

Stranger: Do you know why that is?

You: I don't smoke anymore but I rely on hurting myself wayy too much

You: I honestly do not, and ive thought about it a lot too :/

Stranger: Is it what happened in the past?

You: i think its just many small things that just add up

You: maybe

You: this is weird but recently like im remembering stuff from my childhood that I had completely forgotten about

Stranger: Yeah, something like happens to me

Stranger: It's just weird dreams of the past

You: yeahh me too

Stranger: A lot of it is middle school stuff like dances and stuff

Stranger: Like dates and what not

You: ahh

You: for me its like when i was really really young

You: but idk because these memories seem really bizarre that im wondering if im somehow making some of them up

You: one of them which I know is true is the first time that my dad hit my mum

You: he never did again but

You: I dont know why im remembering it now

Stranger: That's good

Stranger: Umm I'm not sure tbh

Stranger: Do you believe in like the guy feeling and stuff?

Stranger: Guy

Stranger: Gut*

You: sometimes i guess

You: actually yeah

Stranger: Maybe something is going to happen

Stranger: I believe in it, a few weeks back I felt weird and stuff and then it came true

Stranger: Hopefully nothing bad happens

You: hm

You: yeah hopefully

You: idk thats not the feeling i get from this

Stranger: What do you get?

You: its more like me just remembering a bunch of shit i forced myself to forget

Stranger: Ahhh

You: but i just dont understand why im remebering now

You: of all times lol

Stranger: Maybe something that happened triggered that memory?

You: i dont really know

You: like sometimes its in dreams

You: sometimes ill just be daydreaming in class and remember something vividly

You: weird shit lol

Stranger: Nah I feel that too

Stranger: I was always in iss so I day dreamed a lot

You: i know a lot of people say that like things that happen in your childhood affect you when your older

Stranger: Yeah definitely

You: but would it still affect me even if i didnt remember them?

You: cos like some of it makes sense

Stranger: Yes I'm sure it would

You: when i think of these new found memories lol

Stranger: It's hard to explain over text but yeah definitely

You: yeah i getchu haha

You: but uhh yeah, theres a lot i need to change in my life lol

Stranger: Start small, silly

You: where do you even start lmao

Stranger: Ummmmm

Stranger: So how is your studying? Good bad?

You: terrible i dont even study haha

You: im basically doing what i did last year

You: i just have no motivation for it i guess

Stranger: But your future silly

Stranger: Don't you wanna help people?

You: yeah i stopped thinking about that a while ago

You: oh yeah i was gonna talk about taht

You: so uh

Stranger: Help yourself

You: Yeah like last summer

Stranger: GET AN EDUCATION SO YOU CAN GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT

You: lmaooo

Stranger: I just want you to do something you enjoy

Stranger: And not be stuck with something you hate

Stranger: Passion matters a lot

Stranger: And I'm sure there's some guy that'll love that you do that stuff 😉

Stranger: You'll be a major guy magnet

You: But yeah a little before summer one of my friends killed herself because of the guy I used to date (the toxic relationship guy) and it just showed me how different people are to how they actually seem. I basically started hating people and became a selfish prick and drove myself a bit crazy until one of my friends metaphorically slapped me in the face and woke me up. The hatred lasted for a few months maybe

You: i agree i still need to think about what i want i guess

Stranger: Try some programs, clubs or something (:

Stranger: Hobbies are always nice to have

You: yeah id just rather do hobbies alone than with people

Stranger: My friend went through the same thing sort of

You: i still sort of hate most people hahah

Stranger: I feel that

You: its weird but because of that i feel like i can read people and i know exactly what someones intentions are

You: which is stupid but

Stranger: Yeah some people feel that way

You: yeah i always think that everyones a fake

Stranger: My brother feels that way and I hate him

You: so it makes it hard for me to get along with people

You: yeah its really stupid i need to learn to trust people

Stranger: It takes a while but people's true colors come out

Stranger: Start small, work your way up

Stranger: <(^~^<)

You: yah i should

You: i need to do some serious soul searching hahah

Stranger: Yeah, I wish I could help, but I always knew what I wanted

Stranger: I'm sure you'll find yourself

You: ahh well you've been a huge help just by listening

You: ive said stuff ive never said before to someone so

You: its been really helpful thanks stranger :)

Stranger: Listen, at the end of the day it's whatever you want

Stranger: We can leave things here if you want

Stranger: Just remember to take care of yourself

Stranger: And please don't hurt yourself

You: ahh well small steps remember

Stranger: Life is beautiful

Stranger: Oh shush

You: hahaha

Stranger: See you around (probably not tho)- J

Stranger has disconnected.

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 13- “lines aren't drawn yet and this game isn't over”-Lily

I VOTED THE RIGHT WAY!! FOR ONCE.  IN.  MY.  LIFE!! And it really feels so great!  I feel really bad, Landen is a GREAT player and if he was in final three no matter who he was sitting next to I am pretty sure I would have voted for him.  The fan in me is so mad at myself right now and if this series has an All Stars season I will start a petition for Landen to be cast! Right now I am hoping that I can salvage my relationship with Lily but it feels great to have numbers on my side for once!  I was never super close to ANY of these people except for maybe Kevin but I think that we all work good together and that vote was easy peasy with zero drama! 

6 minutes later

ALSO, my favorite quote of the day today was from Chips, I am still cackling- Me: Telling Chips that I'm scared I'm going to vote wrong and that I haven't made my rounds bc I'm watching real Survivor, bla bla bla.... and I congratulate him again for winning immunity. Chips: I hope I vote right this round. Chips: Glad you can't vote me again HAHAHA I love how honest and to the point he is and how he isn't afraid to call me out, I am so dead, LOL.

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF. Just a big ole oof. wowza. Am I the biggest fool that there ever was??? YOU BETCHA. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LANDENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN WHY!? What a crazy game this is and as per usual blessed to still be playing but I'm in my lazy boy crying about Landen getting the boot. Played with that kid since day 1! Ultimate duo. Love you but why you gotta leave me hanging on a single autumn vote?????? The only good thing to come of this is now I'm a free agent. At least I made F7 my favorite number at least now I can go out with some dignity. I shot my shot and I got my best bud out of the game. Oop. So screw what I said at tribal council, lines aren't drawn yet and this game isn't over. 

2 hours later

Am I going to go absolutely nuts today? Yeah, probably. Ruthie is the only one online right now and I’m trying to make something happen. If I think about the dynamics going on right now it’s clear to me that autumn and chips are on the outs with Joanna, juls, Kevin, and Ruthie working together on the last vote. I can also tell that Kevin and Ruthie don’t want to vote for me so that at least gives me decent odds of making it through this vote. However they will most likely go for autumn as Ruthie has already suggested. This will most likely lead into me getting voted out around 5th if Kevin continues to win immunity challenges. I’m wondering if I can work with Kevin and Ruthie on this vote to get out Joanna I might be in a better position in the next coming cotes. That leaves a lot of big threats still in the game including the ruthie/Kevin duo. I know I can’t be too pushy with this group but I gotta try to make something happen otherwise what’s the point.

As far as tonight goes I am covering ALL my bases and both groups of Kevin, Juls and Joanna as well as Autumn, Lily and Chips think I am voting with them... LOL. This is honestly going to come back to bite me in the ass, I feel it coming!   It is nearing end game and I just NEED to vote smartly.  I feel like if I can gain Lily's trust and vote with them this round maybe I can get her to turn on Autumn and we can vote Autumn out next round.  I don't know who would be good to sit next to at the end right now, but with the position I'm in now I feel like Kevin will eventually try to get rid of me so that he could sit next to Juls and Joanna at the end and possibly win? UGH, I still don't know what I'm doing this round but I think that I am going to vote with Lily, Autumn and Chips as long as I keep a good read on them.  My only other concern is if I need to tell Kevin I'm doing this before the vote or not.  I'm just going to keep an open mind and figure it out when it gets to that.   I feel like such a villain and I don't know how I feel about that!! 

I almost won one :(

hello hello its me, so i won immunity this round in a TIEBREAKER !! thank god i took my time to think about that one, funnily enough my original guess was gonna be 39 just with the math i did in my head (the actual answer was 38) but i figured i wasn't giving people enough credit so i bumped it up to 41, i was even considering 43, but im glad i didn't whew. anyways enough about the challenge but i won a memory comp so i wanted to touch on that because thats exciting. Alrighty well today has been pretty tame as far as the vote goes, it's almost 30 minutes before tribal and the chat with myself joanna juls and ruthie all agreed chips was a good vote out, i spoke to lily who said she heard autumn's name but i didn't hear that but i do think voting autumn would be smart. My only concern is i think autumn is a good person for me to use as someone i can get votes on next round if i lose immunity, she has been involved in a LOT of stuff in this game she was involved in the owen flip, the ruthie flip even though she was idoled and then even the jules flip, like she's been in everyones ear but people dont really see it, but i think lily does. And so if i can keep autumn as someone to campaign against if i lose immunity i feel like i have a shot at staying next round without immunity. HOWEVER, BREAKING NEWS, juls just told me that chips told her that he thinks it might be her going home, saying that the people who think she is close to me are saying that. Which could be true, but it could also be a tactic to try and get juls to flip or maybe misplay an idol, theres so many things that are going on. In a perfect world chips goes home, then autumn and then idk what at 5. If juls DOES go i think potentially bounce back, i think i could work with ruthie and lily as og hufflepuffs and i dont think joanna would necessarily outright target me over ruthie or lily. But it's dangerous because right now joanna is in the middle and as she proved last round she is willing to do whatever she has to and i think she lied to landen REALLY well so im nervous. I'm considering getting lily and juls and just voting autumn and if they try anything it could go 3-3-1 or potentially if we are not being lied to it goes 3-2-2 which gets out my target for next round, and breaks my trust even more with joanna, who vocalized how upset she was that i have lied to her/not voted with her. I think my best bet is to stick to the chips vote and give off the energy like im riding this group til the wheels fall off. If juls does go home, then i have to step my game up but honestly i have been in the drivers seat long enough in this game, if people want to make moves and take the heat off of me and just keep giving me blows to the perception that im potentially controlling things or at the center of the things? idek if thats the perception people have or maybe im just delusion and overhyping myself. I think i can sell my position in the owen/dan/landen votes as being less impactful than i think it really was. But autumn is smart, as is lily, they could see through me, but i think the calmness of landen not being here is helping me kinda sell the whole "see all that stuff was cause of landen!! not little ol me!!!" and if i continue to vote with the people i voted with last round i could make f5 in this game in a neat spot. But that's if people continue to trust me, which they would have reason not to but i hope that they do. This is such a calm round yet things are still so so so complex and layered. this game is genuinely something unlike anything I have played. Wish me luck im gonna need it.

Alright. So last round was a mess with Landen leaving and Lily trying to blindside Autumn. Not really conducive to an alliance sticking together when one votes out another and the other makes the attempt. To try to pull stuff back together Autumn and I pulled in Lily since she was just swindled into voting incorrectly... and picked up Ruthie since she would be in the bottom of what could be viewed as a trio going into six. Kevin can easily take Juls and Joanna to the end and win if she does not flip. And he will. So this round is either a confirmation of Kevin's win or it's an unlikely group of four voting for one of the people who would be taken to the end as a no-vote getter. I say unlikely group because Ruthie has voted me twice, I have voted her once, I have forced rocks against Lily, and Lily has voted Autumn. Yay team!

yall better not try it this round or there will be blood at Final 6. Here's to hoping everybody does what they're supposed to but if they don't, you can't save em all https://drive.google.com/file/d/1arE1qIyJHouJHyXGrNtW_bS8oYZEpUWb/view?usp=sharing

[soonhoonsol]

DE in SINGAPORE :D

Hello my fellow Carats! I just wanted to share my experience about my time at Diamond Edge :D

Let’s start with the members :D

Dino - THIS BOY IS A MAN. I’m not even kidding. I’m not a Dino stan but damnnnn he was so HOT. He was also super adorable (as usual) and SVT seemed to be his biggest fanboys the entire night, and it was so cute!! Can we also talk about beautiful he looked on screen. At the end, he said that all Carats were Woozi (ain’t that adorable?) because we were all so lovable (I think that’s what he said I couldn’t really hear) which is even more adorable :3 Cue DK ruffling Jihoon’s hair HAHAHAH

Vernon - MY BIAS YEYEY. One word: JAWLINE. Frickin hell; it was so sharp oml. It was literally the first thing I noticed about him, and I swear I almost cried. He’s just so BEAUTIFUL >< and in person? HOLY SHIT I AM NOT ABLE TO COMPUTE ANYMORE AHHH. Also, his dancing during “If I”....#dead. HIS HAIR OMG - THE BLUE - it was so beautiful :3 I could only stare at him during all the HHU stages because he was so mesmerizing (I miss him already *sobs*)

Seungkwan - THIS BOY SLAYED. HE SLAYED EVERYTHING. I got goosebumps when he hit his high note (flawlessly) in Pretty U and I’m still shook from it. He looked so good throughout the entire concert too!! <3 When he spoke to us, it was so heartfelt and beautiful and I teared up. He looked at all of us and said in English that he was a ‘lucky guy’. Please, please, PLEASE love this boy more!!! <3 Also, this boy blowing confetti onto Jun’s head when he was speaking was adorableeeee ><

The 8 - BOIIII his hair was so gosh-darn beautiful oml I want it. He came so close to my side too!! He’s SO CUTE OMGGGG. “My I” was AMAZING in person, even though I could hardly see from my angle :/ but other than that...*sighs dramatically*

Mingyu - THIS OVERGROWN CHILD OMG. He was so cute!!!! He and Vernon came out for Going SVT and it was such a beautiful moment. (I’m not gonna tell what they did but all I can say is Mingyu’s aegyo is ADORABLE) He also came really close to my side. He kept waving too which was so cuteeee :3 

DK - Has anyone ever noticed how SHARP and DEFINED this boy’s jawline gets when he hits those high notes? Like DAMNNN I was just staring at it the entire time. HE LOOKED SO GOOD. He was so full of energy and was just overall the ‘Happy Virus’ that he is. He did a heart during “Healing” and it was SO CUTEEEE 

Woozi - Where do I begin? Vocals were AMAZING (as usual) but it’s something different to hear it in person. It’s just SO GOOD. His dancing was WOW as well, but what struck me the most about this adorable fluffball is his English. When he speaks in English, his voice goes super high and it’s SO SO SO CUTE!!! “I’m so happy because of you!” HOW CUTE CAN THIS BOY GET SOMEONE HELP

Wonwoo - He is SO HANDSOME UP CLOSE HOLY SHIT. He was super serious on stage but that was what made him look so cool >< During “If I”, he started off at my side, and throughout his solo part his eyes were closed the entire time and he just looked so passionate about his performance <3

Hoshi - PHENOMENAL. His energy was something else entirely, and it was great! He was mostly at my side (ay bias wrecker what you doing) which was AWESOME and he kept waving and looking at everyone; it was wonderful although he didn’t look at me *sobs* Whenever he danced, especially during Performance Unit stages, I felt like the stage was gonna collapse because he was just so HYPED. Also, he keot shouting out “Singapore” and gaining so much response from the crowd - it was AWESOME.

Jun - This boy has A LOT of stans in SG. And I see why. HE’S SO HOT ON STAGE I SWEAR IT’S ILLEGAL. “My I” was AMAZING, as I said before, and he was actually the first one to come out (I think) onto the stage during the intro. The crowd was screaming SO LOUDLY. But hotness aside, he was also so cute and extra :3 Cue Jun picking Joshua up during “Healing” and spinning him around. Also, his purplish-pink-pastel-y hair was so nice!!! It really shone on stage :D

Joshua - Aww he was so cute!!! He really looks like a prince in his red suit. HIS VOCALS oml. They’re beautiful!! At the end, when he was speaking, he was like “you can tell your friends about the Seventeen concert. Yeah it was awesome” and I was laughing because he’s so cute and extra ><

Jeonghan - I swear he’s not even human. My phone camera is so sucky (Nokia lol what do you expect) but Jeonghan is BY FAR the clearest in all of the videos/pictures I took. What kind of sorcery is this??? His vocals were AMAZING too AHHHH 

S.Coups - The reason why I put him as the last is because my feelings are conflicted right now. THIS BOY WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ME AND AHHHHHHH IDK WHAT TO FEEL. This boy went straight up the bias list. HIS DEEP VOICE IS EVERYTHING , especially during “Check In” where his voice got so deep and rough and OMG AM I A SEUNGCHEOL STAN NOW ??

Ayyy onto units now :D

Vocal - I’ve seen videos of their vampire concept thingy during “Don’t Listen in Secret” but seeing it in person is a whole different story. It’s so dark and I LOVE IT. They also performed “We Gonna Make It Shine” and “Habit” and both were so amazing <3 

Hip Hop - AHHH my favourite unit. They were WOW. Their stage presences were really strong; it was really good to look at. It was so BREATHTAKING. They performed “言行一致” (I’m sorry I only know how to type it in Chinese) and “Check In” and “If I” and all the stages were AMAZING and I just want to see it all over again

Performance - by far THE BEST. They straight up DOMINATED the stage, with every single performance. IT WAS SO GOOD AND LITERALLY HEART POUNDING I WAS WORRIED I WOULD DIE ON THE SPOT. The stage lights were a wonderful accompaniment to the dancing and it was really what I expected a concert to be like. (Oh yeah this was my first concert ever did I forget to mention that?)

Hi-touch :D

I’m not gonna lie, I was super excited yet nervous for this, but who wouldn’t be? It was really nerve-wracking because I didn’t know what i was gonna say to them, but when it came to the actual hi-touch, I didn’t even have time to say anything. Meeting them was great (THEY’RE ALL EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL UP CLOSE) but I barely had enough time to even say “I love you” to each person, which was quite disappointing. But other than that, it was a really fun time :D Their hands are all so warm and nice and Vernon’s hand is so big whaaaat

My favourite stages :D

The “Rock” remix was really really cool and it would have been my favourite performance if they hadn’t immediately performed “Chuck” after that. “CHUCK” WAS SO HYPE OMGGG. The stage presence was so damn STRONG, and accompanied with the lights and bass, the song was basically booming through every speaker and it was so so VISUALLY PLEASING. *dies from shock*

My second favourite was “Healing”. This was such an adorable performance, seeing how the members played and teased each other, as well as with the fans. Such a beautiful song accompanied with the true essence of a concert - FUN. It was great!! There was SO MUCH confetti, and some of the members were running around with water bottles, casually throwing the water onto the fans (it’s a lot more fun than it sounds). I specifically remember Coups throwing the water at my area and drenching me yay HAHAHA. It was a wonderful last performance, and I really really want to go again if I have the chance :D

Thanks for reading!! I hope I didn’t blab on too much TT~TT

[surveysonfleek]

528.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 29

2701. What does 'equal' mean? that everyone’s deserving of the same rights. 2702. Do you believe in the phrase 'all men are created equal'? in theory yes, but not within our society. What about woman? unfortunately not. 2703. Have all persons been specifically 'created'? i guess? 2704. Are all persons exactly equal? i don’t think so. some are more skilled in certain areas than others etc.

2705. Or do they just have equal rights (in theory)? yes. 2706. Does art reflect society or does society reflect art? society reflects art more i think. 2707. Are you living under a little black raincloud or a ray of sunshine? neither. 2708. What do you wonder about? life. 2709. What is better..being single and free or being in love and responsible to another person? being in love and responsible. 2710. What vitamins do you take? none. 2711. In checkers..red or black? black. 2712. Is The Crow a great movie? i haven’t seen it. 2713. Do you wear all black frequently? not that often, but it’s happened. 2714. Do you ever call yourself a poet, artist, or musician? noooope. Has your writing been published, your art been hung in a gallery or your band been signed? my art has been hung before. Does it matter? not really. if i’m a creative my priority is just creating. it’s a bonus if it gets chosen to be displayed to the public. 2715. When insects get into your house, do you kill them or catch them and take them ouside or leave them alone and let them live with you? kill them. i don’t do insects dude. 2716. Name at least one person who's birthday is in: Jan.- yon Feb.- not sure Mar.- didier Apr.- ej, jerry, irene May- dwayne, dad June- mum July- bek Aug.- no one.. Sept- belle, meloy Oct- marie, cha Nov- dana, kristy, ahmad, sara, andrew, jason Dec- me, nat 2717. Which would you consider to be a worse criminal: a pedophile or a necrophile? pedophile. What if it was between a pedophile, a necrophile and a murderer? murderer. 2718. Do we start to die the day we are born or start to live the day we die? first one lol. 2719. Have you ever called your mom or dad a four letter word? sure, like the ‘best’. hahaha. 2720. Do you believe america should go to war with iraq? a bit of an old survey. 2721. Agree or disagree? (Bold is agree) “There is too much concern in courts for the rights of criminals.” “Abortion should be legal.” “The death penalty should be abolished.” “Marijuana should be legalized.” “It is important to have laws prohibiting homosexual relationships.” “The federal government should do more to control the sale of handguns.” “Racial discrimination is no longer a major problem in America.” “Wealthy people should pay a larger share of taxes than they do now.” “Colleges should prohibit racist/sexist speech on campus.” “Same-sex couples should have the right to legal marital status.” “Affirmative action in college admissions should be abolished.” “The activities of married women are best confined to the home and family.” “People should not obey laws which violate their personal values.” “Federal military spending should be increased.” “Realistically, an individual can do little to bring about changes in our society.”  Why did you agree or disagree to that last statement? i disagree because it really can only take one person to change things. 2722. Let's say that after you die you become a spirit and you join all the other spirits. Not all of them have lived. You are talking to some who have never lived about how you HAVE lived. One of the spirits who has never lived says they think they will travel to earth in a human body soon and live. They ask you what three things on Earth should I be sure not to miss? You say... 1. travel the world 2. fall in love 3. eat to your heart’s content. 2723. What kind of ass is the sexiest (flat, round, tight, hard, meaty, juicy, small, big, stacked, packed, petite, barely there, curvey, muscular, etc.)? i don’t really have a preference. if i see one i’ll know if i like it or not haha. 2724. Is there something beautiful and special about everyone? for the most part, yes. If yes is there something beautiful and special about Hitler? that’s why i said for the most part lol. How about Bin Laden? idk. What is it? apparently they found  bin laden’s laptop and saw that it had a ton of wallace and gromett videos on it looool. that’s pretty special. 2725. Have you ever moshed? hell no. If yes to what bands? If no then would you ever? i don’t think so. 2726. Do you like sushi? i love sushi. 2727. What mood are you in? pretty bored and tired. What does your mood depend on? if i’m working or not. What depends on your mood? work. 2728. wHAT IS faith? believing in someone/something. what is common sense? knowing the easiest way to do things. Do you have either or both of them? i think so. 2729. Is perfection or imperfection more beautiful? both if they’re separated.  2730. Would you think a person doing the following things has a healthy or unhealthy level of insanity? gives the finger while driving? depends what the other person did. tells their life story to people they just met? slight issues there. walks up to people and tried to convert them to a religion? unhealthy. says blah? depends how often. 2731. Do you think this is a great line of poetry: "Journey with me into the mind of a maniac. Doomed to be a killer since I came out the nutsac" Why or why not? lol it’s a bit of a mind fuck. 2732. Do you think that song lyrics are poems with music? sometimes. 2733. In cases of rape which do you think is more of a crime: a stranger rapes a girl OR a girl's boyfriend rapes her? both is just as bad. 2734. Did you know that in the USA it is considered to be LESS of a crime if a rapist knows the victim (because it is 'less of a crime' the rapist gets a less severe punishment)? Do you agree or disagree and why? i totally disagree. if the rapist knows the victim it puts the victim in a shitty position. if they’re someone with power and/or authority over them, the victim may find it harder to defend themselves from the rapist’s actions which can lead to emotional and psychological issues, like stockholm syndrome and shit. 2735. In the USA a few weeks ago a guy had beaten up and raped his girlfriend, for which he got 70 days of community service. He had been found guilty, got a year and a half of jail, BUT can you guess why his sentence was reduced to mere community service? . . . . . . . . He had a steady job. That's right. He was found less guilty, because he had a long-term steady job. How does this make you feel? that’s bullshit. i hope my country’s court of law isn’t that backwards. 2736. Does the character limit of notes or entries annoy you more? no. 2737. wHO'S YOUR FAVORITE WRESTLER? the rock. 2738. Have you ever been trapped in an elevator? no, thank god. 2739. What is more important, tact or honesty? it depends... in the workplace i’m all for tact. but for personal relationships, honesty. 2740. Do you have a mentor? Who? nope. 2741. If you like guys: would you rather have a 'bad' guy (motorcycles, smokes, drinks, etc) or a 'good' guy (family, domesticated, nice guy)? a good guy. Would you rather have a virgin or a more experienced guy? doesn’t matter. If you like girls: Would you rather have a virgin or a more experianced girl? would you rather have a 'bad' girl (motorcycles, smokes, drinks, etc) or a 'good' girl (family, domesticated, nice girl)? 2742. Do you feel nervous in crowds? sometimes, especially if i don’t have a clear path to walk through. 2743. Did you write a real entry today? no. What about? Was it your best writing? 2744. If you were making a 'best of' entry about your BEST entries ever what would be your top 5 best entries? lol. 2745. Do you like to play the lottery? i’ve played it once and lost. 2746. Guess what? what? 2747. Why did you choose to live one more day? i’m content with my life. 2748. What is the most beautiful myth you have ever read/heard? mermaids. 2749. Have you ever been stood up? nope. 2750. Finish the following sentences any way you want. It's always darkest before.. sunrise Never underestimate the power of.. money Don't bite the hand that.. feeds A miss is as good as a.. goal If you lie down with dogs, you.. bark Love all, trust.. no one The pen is mightier than.. a pencil An idle mind is.. free Where there is smoke, there's.. fire Happy is the bride who.. gets enough sleep Two is company, three's.. a crowd None are so blind as.. the meek You get out of something what you.. put in When the blind lead the blind.. idk Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.. idk 2751. What's the most interesting assignment you ever had in school? making a diorama of the gold rush lol. it was fun. 2752. What's the most interesting thing you ever had to do for work? shuffle cards literally all day. 2753. Do you feel: insignificant? unable to evoke change? like one person can't change the world? like one life and one person's suffering doesn't mean very much? If you answered yes to any of those can you describe why in detail? omg cbf. 2754. Do you feel like you could contribute as much to society as ____ has? Albert Einstein: Abe Lincoln: Franz Kafka: Jesus Christ: 2755. Are you aware that your brain is the same size as Albert Einstein's brain? sure. Do you realize that you have the same number of hours in a day as Abraham Lincoln? sure.

Did you know that Franz Kafka wrote all of his amazing litterature during his lunchbreaks at work? Did you know that we are all made of matter and that you are made of the Same Thing that Jesus was made of? Do you still believe that you couldn't contribute as much to society as they did? If yes than WHY? 2756. Is your mind in the gutter? sometimes. 2757. What do you have to complain about? everythinggggg. 2758. Do you remember rock n' roll radio? nope. 2759. Is there such a thing as a food that you burn more calories from digesting than you actually absorb from it? no, i watched a video debunking the celery myth. 2760. Hey, if you've gotten this far than you and me go way back. We've been hanging out for a while now and I gotta know..do you like me? no, some of these questions are stupid. 2761. What are you doing, Dave? 2762. As far as love goes do you feel it is better to become complete before looking for someone or find someone who completes you? either is fine. it’s actually best not to look for love, and to just let it find you. 2763. What attracts you about the opposite sex (or same sex, or both sexes)? face. 2764. Do you need people or do you not need anyone? a bit of both. 2765. Is selfishness always bad? yeah, sometimes. Is selflessness always good? only if you’re bettering yourself as a person. 2766. Do you feel like your life is being controlled by a power structure? somewhat. 2767. Can you name three things in society that send the message that being completely yourself and that looking inside yourself and contemplating what's within is a good thing? no. 2768. Can you name three things in society that send the message that materialism and the accumulation of stuff is a good thing? no. 2769. What is more important, a picture or its frame? the picture. What is more important, spirituality or religion? spirituality. 2770. How many definitions can you come up with for the word 'fuck'? more than ten. 2771. Is it less offensive when a black person says Nigger than when a white person says it? yes, it’s less offensive. Why or why not? because black people have taken a derogatory word used against them back in the day and have made it into a ‘new’ meaning, which is totally fine for them to use but not for anyone else. 2772. Do you rationalize often? i guess. 2773. Do you believe that america is an imperialist nation? idk. 2774. Would you agree that: hot topic is the new abercrombie? pink is the new black: you are the new you? 2775. Do you have more internet or real life friends? real life friends. 2776. What IS the feeding of 5000? idk? 2777. What's an easy way to make money? working hard. 2778. What's your favorite slang word and what does it mean? lol idk. 2779. Are you uncomfortable? sometimes. 2780. Is anything definite besides death and taxes? life. 2781. Would you rather live fast and die young or live slow and die old? live slow die old lol. 2782. Can you name 4 people who have committed crimes against humanity? no, i ain’t no snitch. How do you think they live with themselves? idk. 2783. If you could imagine, pure fantasy, any God you could concieve, how would you want God to be? no thanks. 2784. do you think the smashing pumpkins have a strong christian theme? never really listened to them. 2785. Do you think this survey has a strong christian theme? more religious than anything. 2786. Fill in the blank for yourself" Give me ____ or give me death! life. 2787. Have you ever heard of the USA patriotism act? Apparently they have passed laws making torture legal. Also the FBI can sneak and peek into ANYONE'S home. They don't have to ask or even tell you they were there. This is already the law. So, whaddaya think? i’m glad i don’t live in the usa. 2788. The people in power step all over the average citizen, trying to secure all the power and money for themselves and leave us with no rights and under their control. They have the audacity to do this because they know that we will not lift a finger to stop them. Are they right? somewhat. 2789. The Free State Project is a plan in which 20,000 or more liberty-oriented people will move to a single state of the U.S. to secure there a free society. They will accomplish this by first reforming state law, opting out of federal mandates, and finally negotiating directly with the federal government for appropriate political autonomy. They want to be a community of freedom-loving individuals and families, and want to create a shining example of liberty for the rest of the nation and the world. What's your opinion? Could this work? Why or why not? tl:dr. 2790. Have you ever seen the Neverending Stroy? Remember when Bastian has to prove his worth by looking in that mirror where you see yourself the way you really are with no pretenses, rationalizations or mental lying? Could you stand yourself if you looked into that mirror? sure. 2791. What is soilent green? idk. 2792. What are you proud that you have never done? hard drugs. 2793. What things are hopeless? crackheads. 2794. What Are People For? idk. 2795. What book do you feel could change someone's life? idk, everyone has different tastes. 2796. Didja ever want to just walk up to the Bush administration and ask them, 'What the fuck?' no. 2797. How do you take your coffeee? two sugars and a dash of milk. 2798. Have you ever played: paintball? no. lazer tag? yes. which is better? laser tag, i’m never trying paintball lol. 2799. In what ways are you lucky? just everything i’ve had in my life so far. 2800. If Jesse Jackson wants reparations to be given to black people because he thinks that black people don't have equal opportunities in this country than why does he drive a Jaguar? idk dude.

[aurulenthuntsman]

AURYHN: *what's more romantic than spontaneity, auryhn asks himself... nothing! nothing at all! that's the logic behind auryhn's sudden appearance at kavi's apartment, holding a bouqet of blue roses in his hand and a very important message in his mind. he messes with his hair a little bit before drawing in a deep breath, straightening up his posture and knocking confidently on the door before him.* ~}==>

KAVI: *He's been relaxing a little bit, there's no shoot today and he's just been.... building things. He's not much of a gardener but that seems to be a thing in this building he can at least try it. So first of all he needs a planter. But oh... a visitor. Alright. Takes off his silk wrap, leaves the robe open. Bunny slippers. Always good. Opens up the door* .... oh *blue roses, blue troll, standing tol*

KAVI: *leans against his doorframe* howdy there

KAVI: *is the robe showing enough leg, but he doesn't pose... that much*

AURYHN: Good evening, Kavi! ~}==>

AURYHN: *beaming from ear to ear just looking at him... what a nerd* I do hope I'm not interuppting anything ~}==>

KAVI: *He is a nerd Kavi is too though, grinning at him and slips back into the apartment* nah you're good man, come on in

KAVI: i was just messin with some stuff

KAVI: make yourself cozy

AURYHN: Don't mind if I do! But first... ~}==>

AURYHN: *offers him the bouqet. pretty flowers for a pretty boy... he winks.* ~}==>

KAVI: *gaassssp* for moi???? *he takes them and also the wink... hello* what's the occasion?

KAVI: walked by the shop and they reminded you of my eyes *bats lashes*

AURYHN: Actually, that is partially accurate! Blue roses always remind me of you ~}==>

AURYHN: *saunters on inside now* As for my motivation... Do I really need a reason to shower you in gifts? ~}==>

AURYHN: *he says this but also... haha, he's slightly flushed now.* ~}==>

KAVI: *he's not the only one, Kavi listens to that and laughs a little before guiding him to the sofa then going to get a good vase for these flowers* lol i mean... i guess not

KAVI: wasn't expecting company either but i guess that's part of the gift too

KAVI: yknow

KAVI: presence

KAVI: for presents

KAVI: a little p4p

KAVI: i'm into it and it's appreciated

KAVI: yours especially

KAVI: it's a good p4p

AURYHN: *sits his booty onto the couch, folding his hands into his lap* Oh, I'm glad you think so ~}==>

AURYHN: ... *watches kavi bustles around for a vase and then CLEARS THROAT* ~}==>

AURYHN: Actually, there is more that I would like to... present to you... ~}==>

KAVI: oh snap... gifts on gifts on gifts *gives these roses fresh water in the nice vase he got for a housewarming and thought he'd never use well dang here it goes. Then comes to sit with Auryhn*

KAVI: *plops.. peeps his body language..* what's up?

AURYHN: *oh geez, he's here next to him now, which makes spitting it out considerably more difficult.* Ahem... Well, I wanted to tell you... Something ~}==>

AURYHN: *turns towards him, rigid but looking determined* Something I've wanted to tell you for quite some time... But I never found the right opportunity ~}==>

AURYHN: So I decided that I should make that opportunity! ~}==>

AURYHN: *takes kavi's hands, intense stare unfaltering* I... ~}==>

AURYHN: Feel quite STRONGLY about you ~}==>

AURYHN: ... ~}==>

AURYHN: /ROMANTICALLY/ ~}==>

KAVI: *oop there go his hands and suddenly it's all real. Well it was real from the get go but this is happening, the that kind of realness. but it's good, and scary. But good and pretty goddamn scary. Takes a few seconds processing all this, his mind probably going a million miles an hour before he just gets all red in the face* uh.....

KAVI: same?

KAVI: i mean

KAVI: same

KAVI: like

KAVI: .... with what you're saying

KAVI: so i mean

KAVI: that's a yay moment

KAVI: it's a good yay

KAVI: i'm, uh, shit

KAVI: well no not that but i mean like i know and it's the same and i think i wanna

KAVI: not .... jump in, ass first, like i do so i can't... fuck it up ass first??? *mmmmmmmself*

KAVI: ok wait, take 2, simplified version...... striking all that

KAVI: ............ actually "same" sums it up

AURYHN: *well, there he GOES. but auryhn doesn't mind, completely endeared to these Kavi Brand Rants and he listens with shiny eyes. a grin widens across his face as he, too, processes what he's being told, and gives kavi's hands a squeeze.* HA HA, that's a relief! ~}==>

AURYHN: Ah, but I understand... I would prefer not to rush, as well ~}==>

AURYHN: As eager as I am to pursue a rel8tionship, I would also like to be given the opportunity to COURT you PROPERLY ~}==>

KAVI: *Thank god Auryhn is used to this.... which he's not really that mortified to say. It's nice honestly* lol oh shit.... you mean we're gonna have some pre-game match-ups?

KAVI: going a few rounds before the superbowl?

KAVI: sports

AURYHN: That's one way to put it! But if that's the case, please forgive me if I get a little too competitive with myself and try to make each "match-up" more impressive than the last ~}==>

AURYHN: *snickers so gleefully. the relief and joy is giving him butterflies...* ~}==>

KAVI: *he's totally serious..... of course's he's serious it's Auryhn but he's also never been just courted through the whole nines, it's keeping the color in his face as he laughs* hahaha... man well shit i might have to do my fair share of courting....

KAVI: it'll be like tennis but, somehow, more intimate

KAVI: i can think of a few things you might wanna do.... *shrugs one shoulder while grinning* idk

KAVI: it'll be nice.. it'll be fun *squeezes his hands back now trying to hold them*

AURYHN: *shifts his hands to meet kavi's movements, lacing their fingers together.* It will be fun ~}==>

AURYHN: I always have fun when I'm with you ~}==>

KAVI: hahaha....... *watches their fingers lace and grins a bit sheepishly* same .... back to the whole p4p

KAVI: as if you didn't already know your presence was a present :P

AURYHN: *lifts head proudly. this is where he would sparkle, if he could do that on common.* I can't help being so confident! ~}==>

AURYHN: I have a lot of good things going for me, after all ~}==>

AURYHN: Most recently, a very handsome date mate! ~}==>

AURYHN: *he just can't STOP* ~}==>

KAVI: *Dangit Auryhn.... he snickers and lowers their hands scooting a bit closer* oh you don't say? and i mean don't say it

KAVI: i'll get jealous :P

KAVI: there's only enough room for one two apples in those eyes mister and i'm sittin on em

AURYHN: OH PLEASE! As if anyone could compare to you to begin with... Which I know you're WELL aware of ~}==>

AURYHN: *laughs, carefully scooting at him too... hello there* ~}==>

KAVI: oh, i am aware of it, still i have to play the role right?

KAVI: bein all aghast

KAVI: how dare

KAVI: who's the slut?

KAVI: surprise it was me

KAVI: the whole time

KAVI: plot twist of the century

KAVI: sintury

KAVI: like s i n

AURYHN: *snorts...* How dare you? I won't have you speak ill of yourself like that! I must DEFEND YOUR HONOR AT ALL COSTS ~}==>

KAVI: lmao are you gonna fight me? *leans on*

KAVI: are you gonna 1v1 me in the pit for talking shit about your number one

KAVI: (who is also me)

AURYHN: Don't think I won't! If only because I'm sure you would enjoy a lively tussle with me ~}==>

AURYHN: *GUFFAWS* ~}==>

KAVI: .... i mean...... *squeezes his hand, grins* i would though

KAVI: i'm in a robe but i can still throw down

KAVI: arguably i can throw down better in a robe

AURYHN: Then I suppose it becomes a matter of whether you would rather have a relaxing evening in for our first date, or a wrestling match ~}==>

KAVI: lmao i mean why not both?

KAVI: maybe something pretty chill 

KAVI: but with us i don't think chill and calm and quiet is gonna be a problem =HA, could you imagine=

AURYHN: I couldn't imagine it happening any other way! ~}==> 

AURYHN: Quiet roughhousing it is ~}==> -their hands are already entwined, so it's like they're already grappling? he leans toward kavi, pressing their foreheads together like he's butting heads, all with a big grin on his face.-

KAVI: =Oh man, it's basically the most intense grappling ever. He likes Auryhn's war grimace, very cute intimidating. He snickers as their foreheads bump together, nerves no doubt= 

KAVI: (can't let the neighbors on....) =Soft mumble then leans forward because you know.... fuck it? He's kind of excited and minorly nervous for realsies but Auryhn is getting a kiss that's been on hold for years=

AURYHN: -he had been trying to restrain himself from making the very same move, so it's a relief on many levels when kavi closes the distance between them. he practically melts into it while his heart races. finally, this is happening, and it's even sweeter than all the times he's imagined it over the years.- 

AURYHN: -he's got a lot of passion bubbling up in his chest and stomach, bringing heat to his head that makes it difficult for him to think of anything else but the way kavi feels beside him. his fingers unlace only so he can cup the other's cheeks in his palms instead, pressing their lips together with more fervor.-

KAVI: =Hello there passion and affection. Things he's more or less made himself focus off of but even with these too familiar feelings and motions it feels almost new. Being with someone again. His face is warm, cheeks still carrying the heat of a flush he had previously. It's a good feeling to be touched by someone, even better it being someone he's wanted to touch for years= 

KAVI: =His own hands find support on Auryhn's thigh as he leans in and happily deepens the kiss with smile and soft huff of laughter. Lip wrestling falls in the Brawl Family. He's 100% sure of it=

AURYHN: -well, if kavi is going to laugh then it's going to infect him, especially when he already has butterflies tickling at his stomach. he tries to maintain the kiss, to no avail.- What's so funny? ~}==> -ASKS while ALSO giggling.-

KAVI: =Still stays close then snickers a bit more as Auryhn giggles= a lot of things are funny, a long list man and it's all opinion based 

KAVI: but... =licks his lips and gives another small laugh= i'm just, pretty giddy 

KAVI: like a dork but surprise i was a dork all along too late now though

AURYHN: -gasps!- I've been bamboozled! All this time I was lead to believe your only endearing traits were your handsome face and your cool, collected attitude ~}==> 

AURYHN: How FOOLISH I was... Now I know you are also an adorable DORK ~}==> 

AURYHN: HA! Can you imagine? Of course I already knew that ~}==>

KAVI: =grinning wide= i have no goddamn clue how you figured that out but i'll let you in on a secret.... 

KAVI: =leans to his ear..... shoulder pat. Pat pat= 

KAVI: (it gets worse buddy) 

KAVI: (sorry not sorry, mostly not)

AURYHN: -oh, hello desire, invading his brain from a playful whisper alone...- Ha ha... ~}==>

AURYHN: Of course you shouldn't apologize! That's precisely what I'm here for ~}==> -counters his Feelings with a chaste kiss to kavi's cheek... and a little nuzzle. he's an affectionate spider horse.-

KAVI: =Good because he craves affection and attention literally all the time. So it's really great to be getting that, leans into the nuzzle and reciprocates with one of his own. Actually he's just all in Auryhn's space.... which is normal but here he is, legs crossed and cuddling up on his arm= 

KAVI: for me to be unapologetically terrible on you in good ways, understandable. we can definitely arrange all of that

AURYHN: Thank goodness that we are on the same page! Now please, don't hesitate  to continue... I will be doing much the same ~}==> 

AURYHN: -loops his arms around him then, pulling him in for maximum cuddles. it's a relaxed position, so auryhn hopes he will cool his own jets, just enjoying the two of them together.-

KAVI: if you insist =maximum cuddles is him getting up in Auryhn's lap. Crosses legs here legmoji  = here's me ft moderate hesitation

AURYHN: -WELL, SO MUCH FOR RESTRAINT. excuse him if one hand rests on kavi's back while the other ends up on the side of his thigh. TO STEADY HIM, NATURALLY.- AURYHN: INDEED, THERE YOU ARE ~}==> -sweats-

KAVI: =Naturally.= you just cranked it almost all the way up, but not quite to 11 

KAVI: by the by this is a technical pin, the referee is counting you down and out, my guy

AURYHN: I never stood a chance, it would seem ~}==> 

AURYHN: I should have known better  than to face off against you! ~}==> -entirely too flustered, he leans in for another kiss. he's gotta.-

KAVI: =Good then he's not posing for nothing, he's here for all the kisses he can get. Cupping Auryhn's face with his other arm wrapped around his shoulders, you know for the support thing= 

KAVI: =Auryhn's not just getting one kiss, he's getting two small kisses and then a longer one=

[senorcasillas]

85 questions tag game

rules: answer these 85 questions about yourself and then tag 20 people

Uuhhh why so mannyyy :c (but thank you @captainfuu​ for sharing this torture with me :D)

last?

1. drink: Taksi tropical fruit

2. phone call: I don’t remember but the last person I talked to over the phone (but not by calling their phone so not an official phone call) was my bf

3. text message: @o-jogobonito​ (of course, who else)

4. song you listened to: Ah it was on my mp3 player but I forgot hahaha, so I’ll just say ‘Jayh - Mooie Dag’ because that’s the last one I remember

5. time you cried: Uuhhh maybe Wednesday night? Well it wasn’t really crying I just got tears in my eyes

ever?

6. dated someone twice: No

7. kissed someone and regretted it: No

8. been cheated on: No

9. lost someone special: Yeah, unfortunately

10. gotten drunk and thrown up: No

fave colors?

11. Green

12. Wait really I have to list multiple? White

13. Blue

in the last year have you?

14. made new friends: Maaaaany

15. fallen out of love: Yes

16. laughed until you cried: Yeah I think so

17. found out someone was talking about you: Nope

18. met someone who changed you: Yes, in a very good way

19. found out who your friends are: There are weird lol, well there wasn’t any serious impactful situation that made me realize so I guess not really

20. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: Nope, I don’t even know who is on there anymore (who even uses facebook anymore....)

general

21. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: Actually almost all of them because that’s the only thing I used it for

22. do you have any pets: A little Diva dog with 3 legs

23. do you want to change your name: Yah lol but I have good reasons haha

24.  what did you do for your last birthday: Nothing special, as usual

25. what time did you wake up today: 12 pm

26. what were you doing last night at midnight: Playing OW with the bf

27. what is something you can’t wait for: Surgery but it’s gonna be another year at least OTL

28. what are you listening to right now: Nothing really

29. have you ever talked to a person named tom: I have talked to someone named Thom! But I suppose I talked to a Tom as well...

30. something that gets on your nerves: Depends on my mood really, a lot of things get on my nerves when I’m not in a good mood but when I am in a good mood almost nothing will bother me (But forced straight relationships in tv shows always annoy me haha)

31. most visited website: Tumblr Youtube and AO3

32. hair color: Brown

33. long or short hair: Short (though for a boy’s haircut it might be more short-medium)

34. what do you like about yourself: My eyes

35. want any piercings: Not really

36. blood type: A B or AB

37. nicknames: The Dude, Welpje

38. relationship status: Taken

39. zodiac sign: Virgo

40. pronouns: He/Him

41. fave tv show: Scrubs

42. tattoos: I’d like to get one but I can’t decide on what and where, and I’m worried about the pain

43. right or left handed: Right handed

44. every had surgery: Not yet but I will sooner or later (hopefully sooner)

45. piercings: I had them in my ears as a kid but I lost one and then just stopped wearing both

46. sports: As in, the ones I like? Football and F1, in terms of what sports I do, Just fitness for now

47. vacation: Haven’t gone for years because I’m nervous about going and I don’t wanna go camping which is most likely what I’ll do if I go with my dad

48. trainers: ?? As in personal trainer or what? This is confusing lol

49. eating: Yes?

50. drinking: No alcohol, I’m guessing that’s what this is about, just haven’t found anything I like yet

51. i’m about to watch: Football, ‘cause the season is about to start again

52. waiting for: a lot of things

53. want: a lot of things as well

54. get married: Nah don’t care much about marriage

55. career: If only I knew

56. hugs or kisses: tbh kisses are overrated they’re not that special or nice so hugs all the way

57. lips or eyes: Eyes

58. shorter or taller: Taller is nice because I’m already pretty small

59. older or younger: Don’t really care as long as it’s not too young or too old

60. nice arms or stomach: Guess I’m more into nice arms?

61. hookup or relationship: Relationship

62. troublemaker or hesitant: Don’t really like troublemakers so yeah, Hesitant

have you ever?

63. kissed a stranger: Yes

64.  drank hard liquor: Yes (and it was fucking awful)

65. lost glasses: No, don’t have glasses

66. turned someone down: Yes

67. sex on first date: No

68. broken someone’s heart: I think so

69. had your heart broken: Yes

70. been arrested: No

71. cried when someone died: Yes

72. fallen for a friend: Yes

do you believe in?

73. yourself: Nah, lol

74. miracles: idk

75. love at first sight: I mean, guess that kind of happened with Iker lol

76. kiss on the first date: If it feels right, why not

77. angels: idk

other?

78. best friend’s name: Malini (She’s the absolute best no one comes close to her)

79. eye color: Blue

80. fave movie: I’ll just stick with either Looney Tunes back in action or Scooby Doo 2

81. favorite actor: Don’t really have one

82. favorite food: I like too many things and they’re all not good for me lol

83. extrovert or introvert: Both? When I still went to meet-ups I was very open and outgoing but now I don’t really do well in big crowds anymore, I guess when I’m in a setting where I know a lot about the thing people are there for I feel a lot more comfortable than in any other situation

84. favorite flower: Don’t really have one

85. favorite hello kitty characters: I have no idea

I really don’t know who to tag I’m sorrryyyy

[ohh-kaye]

my coping mechanism

 I’m having one of my usual days where I really really really want to hurt myself but I can’t.

Because tomorrow I have my practical exam. And we can’t wear watches or jewellery so if I happened to hurt myself, people would see.

It makes sense that  should just do it in an area where nobody would see it but I’ve done that and I don’t get the same satisfaction because I don’t see it every day.

Subconsciously (and I know this is wrong and messed up but...) I kind of want to see the evidence or the proof or the reminder that I did this to myself and that my life is horrible and what I did was horrible and that I should never do it again but I know I probably still will. I feel a sense of relief when I see that my problems aren’t in my head anymore but they’ve become this physical manifestation of a scar.

To be fair, I haven’t relapsed in a year (which is great!) but now I’ve noticed that I’ve shifted into another dangerous coping mechanism where I bottle everything up and I have frequent bouts of mental breakdowns where I cry for no reason (I know the reason but it just happens spontaneously).

So I’m sad.ALL.THE.TIME.because everything slowly builds up.

And as awesome as it is that I’m not cutting myself, I’ve just become a really shitty and boring person to be around and I know this because I don’t have any friends hahaha (i actually find this funny idk why)

I’ll make this a draft because I really have to study tonight. (14/11/17)

It’s November 22, 2017. I didn’t forget about this post though. I just got really lazy on finishing it. Okay...

Serious mode.

Okay. It’s difficult to put myself back in the mindset that I was in when I initially wrote this. Because I’m not particularly sad right now. I’m not happy. Just kind of meh. Which is awesome. Not feeling too bad.

But I guess I’ll look at this more objectively now. How do I do this? ahahaha.

I first hurt myself when I was 14. I wasn’t sad at the time. I just remember that I accidentally scratched myself and it left a small wound. Not heavily bleeding but there was a red line. And I didn’t feel any pain... which was really strange to me.

So this is where the stupidity began.

I kind of said to myself “That didn’t hurt at all. Imagine what it would be like if I did this on purpose?”.

I took a box cutter that I happened to have and I made a line on my wrist to “test it out”. Again, it didn’t hurt at all. (maybe I didn’t deep enough). I thought “Wow. This is weird”.

The next morning when I woke up, I saw there was a scab and I got really scared because I thought people would see.

Luckily at the time, I wore a lot wrist bands (because I thought it was cool haha) so it was hidden. Sometimes I’d have bracelets and wrist bands that would cover my whole arm. It’s so stupid when I look back because why would wear so many? hahaha.

This is when life unravelled and turned to shit basically.

(I’ll make a separate post about this. Maybe I’ll link it somewhere. This is a whole topic about friendship and this’ll be waaaaay too long if we go there)

Fast track, because it didn’t hurt when I do it, I’d go the extra mile and pour rubbing alcohol or hand sanitizer on it to make it hurt (and maybe to disinfect it when my blades were too rusty).

I started carving out words like “Fat” and “Ugly” and “Failure” because that’s how I see myself and a handful of people at school knew but I’d the odd comments of “You’re doing this for attention” and “By cutting yourself, you’re not fixing the problem” and some bitch went as far as saying to the whole class (we were having an open forum about people who commit suicide or self harm) that people who cut themselves should just do the world a favour and kill themselves. My mouth just opened because I was in shock. I know that she aimed this at my friend who also hurt herself and everyone knew she did it. 

I had a lot of counter arguments for what she said but I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t know how to talk about it because if I said something then people would know that I did it myself.

This was what I did for the next 5 years anytime I was sad or angry because I couldn’t talk to people about my problems.

And then I started Nursing.

If you’ve worked in healthcare then you know how Infection Control is drilled into our brains.

So I had to stop hurting myself because (1) as much as I hated myself , I didn’t want to die and (2) how are my patients going to trust me to help them when I can’t even help myself.

There are so many instances when I would bring safety pins so close to my skin because I really wanted that sense of relief or high that I’d get when I cut. But I’d remember that I had to go to hospital tomorrow and I can’t hide it if I do it. So I’d stop. Overtime, I’d trained myself not to do it anymore and I don’t feel the urge to most of the time. However, I did almost relapse a couple weeks ago. *nervous laughter*

But now I have no outlet for my “feelings” and I don’t know what to do with them. Imagine a pressure cooker and everything builds up and it gets louder and louder and the longer you leave it, it will just suddenly explode.

That’s me a few times a month.

Sometimes, there’s a trigger. Exams or due assessments and other times, it just happens. I just cry and I don’t stop. I would just keep saying to myself “I don’t why I’m crying”. And I’d go on Twitter and post about having a mental breakdown. Because that’s what it feels like. Just go through my Twitter feed to see the real time ramblings in my head. lol.

I once cried after I looked at a picture of Julie Andrews. ahahahaha. If you don’t know, my favourite movie is The Sound of Music. And I was about to watch it that night because I had a pretty shitty day and I just started crying. I ended up not watching it because I cried until midnight. 

I don’t know the sense to this post. I just thought I should share because I honestly do miss writing. I used to keep a diary as a child and I’d write on it every night. Then I stopped. And now I’m training myself to write it down and read it to myself because I’ve found that it helps rationalise my thoughts and it’s good to rant here since no one in real life will listen.

I think that maybe in the future, I’d be fixed. I don’t know how that’s possible but maybe. I don’t want to be sad forever.

[surveysonfleek]

497.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 25

2301. Who is the hottest celebrity you can think of? i honestly don’t have many celeb crushes anymore. 2302. Have you ever been to the following diaries(on opendiary.com)? If yes, what do you think..if no, then based on the name, does it sound interesting to you? Hicks: Shukhevych: Cinderella: Oliver: A tinfoil valentine: Burning River: joebeginswithajay: i hate these questions. 2303. Do you ever get so nervous that you can't even think? opposite actually. i’ll get so nervous that all i’ll do is overthink. 2304. Do you sing when there is no music? not often.

2305. Would you rather cast a spell or say a prayer? say a prayer. don’t wna fuck with the supernatural. 2306. Why does the US dollar bill have a pyramid on it? no idea. 2307. Who was the best political leader in history and why? tbh i don’t have enough knowledge to answer this. 2308. What was the first sex toy you ever used? haha who knows. i’m sure people got creative. 2309. If you hated a book, would you burn it? no. 2310. What are your feelings about pornography? i don’t really watch it. some of it can be really demeaning to women, but as long as all actors are consenting, getting paid well and are safe then whatever. 2311. What are your feelings about people who are against pornogrophy? that’s cool, i respect everyone’s opinion. 2312. If you could dance with anyone in the world right now, who would it be and what song would you dance to? my boyfriend. we’d milly rock hahaha. 2313. What is your favorite flavor of schnapps? butterscotch. 2314. Finish this sentence your own way. There are two types of people in the world... those who do surveys, and those who don’t. 2315. What have you saved since elementary school? a lot of my awards funnily enough. 2316. Have you ever won an award? yes. 2317. Are you more: good or evil? good. wise or foolish? foolish. safe or dangerous? safe. satisfied or envious? envious. honest or decietful? honest. faithful or perfidious? faithful. sane or mad? sane. strong or weak? weak. enigmatic or plain? plain. aggressive or peaceful? in between. brave or timid? timid. humane or cruel? humane. critical or appreciative? appreciative. temperamental or calm? calm. sad or happy? happy. normal or unusual? normal. 2318. How do you feel about Terri Schiavo? who? 2319. Do you feel more connected to the sun or the moon? sun. 2320. Do flaws make people interesting to you? not all of them. 2321. Who is your favorite historical figure? frida kahlo. 2322. White bread or wheat bread? white. 2323. Would you rather never have sex again or have sex once with a walrus? ummm. not sure.. 2324. Would you rather sky dive or deep sea dive? maybe deep sea tbh. i’d hate to do either though. 2325. What is the kinkiest thing you've ever done? done it in public. 2326. What is your favorite pick-up line? i hate pick up lines. 2327. Do you usually do things fast or right? if i know how to do it well, i’ll do it fast. 2328. What will the most common halloween costume be this year? it was eleven this year. 2329. What was it last year? harley quinn. 2330. Is love a choice or something that can't be helped? both. but once you’re in love it’s hard to get out of it. 2331. What is your preferred method of birth control? the pill. 2332. Is there someone you see everyday (or sometimes) that you would like to hug and talk to but you just don't know them well enough? no lol. 2333. Are you or have you ever been in a band? no. 2334. Here are 4 statements about me. Only one of them is true. Which one is it? a. I lost my mind doing drugs. b. I've been arrested before. c. I have 9 cats. <---- this. d. I have a children's book published. 2335. What do you think of the smashing pumpkins? nothing. 2336. Would you wear a thong bathing suit in public? nooo. 2337. Hello I love you won't you tell me your name? no. 2338. If you had to be surgically attached at the hip for two years to either Britney Spears, George W. Bush or an ugly creepy troublesome but nice troll, who would you pick and why? britney because why not. 2339. Let's assume that there is a "meaning of life," a reason for humans to be here on this planet. Would you give up both of your legs and one of your arms if it would mean everyone else would learn the meaning of life? no. the mystery of it is better. 2340. If you could meet God and talk to him for 5 hours, -or- find out whether or not there is intelligent life on other planets and make contact with them, which would you pick and why? (Note: If you meet God, you will never find out if there is intelligent life on other planets, so you can't ask God if aliens exist. Also, you would get no proof that you had talked to him or her. And finally, if God doesn't exist then you don't get to meet him or her!). i’d find out whether or not there’s intelligent life on other planets. i don’t want to choose god and then find out he never existed. 2341. Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, or the Breakfast Club? breakfast club. 2342. Before you read this question, pick a person from your life, any person. (You have to be thinking about someone before you continue!). Would you rather have the ability to watch that person for one hour per day, or would you rather have that person watch you for one hour per day? Who is it and why? (you pick the hour - they don't know that they are being watched - it's like there are invisible TV cameras following them around)? i’d rather watch my boyfriend for an hour a day. i like my privacy. 2343. Would you rather be guaranteed to have your dream job or never be heartbroken? i’d rather take my dream job with the possibility of getting heart broken. 2344. Have you thought about death today? no. 2345. What is your favorite breakfast? a big breakfast. eggs, bacon, hash browns, pancakes. 2346. What is your favorite classic movie? sound of music. 2347. Gold or silver eyeshadow? gold. 2348. Are you the life of the party? no. 2349. Do you wish you were? no. 2350. Sdrawkcab daer uoy nac? yes. 2351. If you realize that a student at your school or a colleague from your job has plagiarised part of their work from the internet. What do you do? i’d approach them first to discuss it. 2352. What does your computer look like when you aren't looking at it?? idk. 2353. If you aren't looking at it, how do you know it's still there when your back is turned? i wouldn’t know. 2354. If you hit an animal with your car would you get out to try and make sure it was okay? it depends what animal tbh. i’d be wary about getting out if it was a predatory wild animal. 2355. If it was someone's cat (collared with address) would you knock on their door and appologize for hitting the cat? yes. 2356. How do you feel about the people who are teased in high school suing the bullies who teased them for emotional damage? that’s cool. i didn’t know it was a thing. 2357. Do you have an interest in any of the following: guns: explosives: marilyn manson: trench coats: the mafia: death: satanism: nazis: that doom game: none of these. 2358. Do you believe that people live in their own worlds or realities or do you think we all share the same world/reality? i’m sure there’s people out there that live their own reality. 2359. Do you believe that Nazism was a characteristically German thing, or do you think a similar type of government could spring up in any country? not sure. 2360. Is your diary in the internet archive wayback machine (http://www.archive.org/web/web.php)? idk. 2361. When do you get your most peaceful and satisfying sleep? when i’m really tired and it’s dark and quiet af. 2362. What thought gets you out of bed in the morning? if i have something important to do. 2363. Do you get along better with guys or girls (as friends)? it honestly depends on one’s personality. 2364. What does tx81z stand for? no clue. 2365. How many points is the letter Z worth in Scrabble? 8 or 10? i forgot. 2366. In poker, which hand is better: four of a kind or a straight? four of a kind.  2367. What is the official language of Australia? english. 2368. On what continent would you find British Columbia? north america. 2369. Have you been to homestarrunner.com? no. 2370. What promise could you never keep? something that meant life or death. 2371. No cat has 8 tails. Every cat has one tail more than no cat. How many tails does every cat have? one. 2372. What are you a member of? my work’s union lol. 2373. If you and your mate were stranded at sea on a scuba diving trip like in the movie Open Water, how would you survive? fml no idea, best thing to do is keep swimming until we see land. 2374. Do you feel confident that you would know what to do under emergency circumstances? not at all. 2375. Have you ever been stood up? i don’t think so. i’ve been flaked on but i’ve never been somewhere waiting for someone and they never showed. 2376. Use a simile to describe yourself. cbf. 2377. Good. Now use a metaphor. no. 2378. Have you ever had an unusual piercing? nope. 2379. Have you ever experienced culture shock? nope. 2380. Imagine you were trapped in one of the world trade center towers on 9/11/01. Who would you call and what would you say to them in those last few minutes? definitely my mum or dad. 2381. Do you ever go to school or work when you feel like you do not look your best?? yes. 2382. Does doing this effect your whole day? not really. 2383. What was the last movie you watched and what did you learn from it? i forgot. 2384. Do you believe that everyone who doesn't believe in your religion is going to hell? nope. 2385. What is the best thing about winter? cuddling. 2386. Do you ever shovel your neighbor's walk? no lol. 2387. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? half the time. 2388. Have you ever looked back at someone you loved and wondered 'what attracted me to THEM?' haha sometimes. 2389. What do you think of Drew Barrymore? no opinion. i did like her netflix show though. 2390. Name one thing you refuse to ever do. bungee jump. 2391. Name one place you refuse to ever go. north korea. 2392. Do you think people see you more as who you are or what you are? what. 2393. Pick 3 random letters: sex. Now think of the first 3 things that pops into your head that starts with each letter. sex, electricity, xylophone. 2394. Do you dress more revealing or more to cover up? depends. i do both. 2395. What does it take to be a 'real gentleman'? be kind, charming, respectful. 2396. Where would you go if you were going somewhere you don't usually go? the beach lol. 2397. On the first sept 11th anniversary, the new york lottery's winning numbers were 9,1 and 1. Do you believe this is fate, coincidence or a conspiracy/plan? how can there be two 1′s in the lottery? 2398. Have you ever noticed that there is a lie in the middle of the word believe? ha ha ha. 2399. When (and if) people (or animals) go to heaven, do they become angels? i guess we’ll find out. 2400. What is your most important body part? brain.

[surveysonfleek]

216.

1. Do you ever get super bad buzzing in your ears? nah hardly.

2. Do you know anyone who has actually been in an alcohol or drug related crash? nope.

3. What is so wrong with cigarettes? they’re expensive and really bad for you.

4. Do you actually think you’re funny? i actually do lol.

5. Have you ever had a deep conversation with someone who was high on anything? yes haha. weed.

6. Do you ever wonder if there really is someone who can compliment your personality well enough to stay together for the rest of your life? my boyfriend right now actually. we’re really different but we have good similarities. same humour, same temperament etc. it’s worked for this long so we’ll see.

7. Do you hate how being bisexual is like a trend? it’s not something i can understand. i don’t have any bi friends, so i don’t really understand that realm of sexuality. i do think there’s a difference between bisexual and bicurious though.

8. Have you ever gotten a professional massage? yes.

9. Do you have a good relationship with your first love? yes.

10. What is something you’re currently nervous about? growing up.

11. Do you have a popup blocker installed on your computer? yup.

12. Do you feel like you have life figured out? hell no.

13. Have you ever used a laptop in a coffee shop? only at a coffee shop in an airport.

14. What was the last worst feeling you felt? any time i hear bad news. the whole heart sinking feeling.

15. Do you know anyone that like, no matter WHAT, they’re always pissed off? haha no.

16. How do you react when you’re pissed off? i’ll either be really quiet or i’ll speak up.

17. What celebrity did your most current ex resemble? none.

18. What is something creepy that has happened to you (or someone you know) recently? nothing recently.

19. If you named your car or family car, what would you call it? nothing. i never name my cars.

20. What would you do if you were faced with an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy (at your current age)? i’ll keep it.

21. What does it take for someone to earn your trust? just be a good friend. be honest, loyal, kind, share shit with me and it’ll be all g.

22. Is there anything you should be worried about? yesssss.

23. Are you dealing with any health-related problems right now? well i just got a pap and a blood test, still waiting for those results.

24. Do you think you should fight for love? of course. but it depends on the situation. i’m not gna fight for love if my boyfriend cheated on me etc.

25. Are you explaining problems within a current relationship? nope.

26. When you need a temporary escape, what do you do? sleep it off.

27. How long did your last feelings of heartbreak last? i don’t think i’ve experienced true heartbreak.

28. Who was the last person you were under the covers with? my boyfriend.

29. Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? yes.

30. Do you ever keep arguing when you know you’re wrong? hmmm sometimes for the sake of it.

31. When was the last time you fought with your boyfriend/girlfriend? a month ago.

32. What did you do today? woke up, had lunch, watched game of thrones, went to the mall to exchange a candle coz its wick was off centre, baked a stroopwafel cake, had pho for dinner.

33. When was the last time you wrestled? ages ago. i hate wrestling, i end up getting serious.

34. How is your hair? so gross. i need to wash it.

35. Do you like to cuddle? of course.

36. Name something great that happened today? idk, i did a lot today so i’m good.

37. How many different people of the opposite sex have you really cried over? hahaha. maybe two.

38. Whose was the last voice you heard? jon snow.

39. When was the last time you saw your father? last saturday. seeing him today.

40. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? no.

41. Do you like your life as of now? it’s okay, could be better.

42. Who was the last person you hung out one-on-one with? my boyfriend’s brother coz we drove home from work together.

43. Regret doing anything in the past week? nah.

44. Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant? yeah probably. there would be all sorts of emotions.

45. When did you last cry? a couple weeks ago.

46. Have you ever been cheated on? no.

47. Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most? Why or why not? idk who’s hurt me the most.

48. Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with A? no.

49. Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with C? no.

50. Do you drink coffee? hardly.

51. Do you crack your knuckles? yes.

52. What were you doing twenty minutes ago? another survey.

53. Does anyone call you babe? not often.

54. Whose car were you last in? mine.

55. Last thing you drank? water.

56. What was the highlight of your weekend? it was a week ago. probably all of it haha.

57. What were you doing at midnight last night? working.

58. Where does most of your family live? philippines and usa.

59. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? no :(

60. Water or Gatorade? water.

61. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? i have it pierced lol.

62. Have you ever slapped someone? yes.

63. Who are the pictures of in the room you’re in? family, boyfriend, close friends.

64. What can’t you wait for? anniversary.

65. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? nope.

66. Have your parents ever smoked pot? haha idk i’ve never asked.

67. Do you want someone back in your life? no.

68. Do you tend to make relationships complicated? no.

69. Who was the last person who called you? idk.

70. Are you good at giving directions? sorta.

71. Has anyone told you they missed you lately? yes.

72. If you could seek revenge on someone, would you? no.

73. Would your mum care if she found condoms in your room? idk. she wouldn’t say anything to me.

74. Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for; what do you say? hey what’s up.

75. Did you speak to your father today? no.

76. If you had to kiss someone right now, who would it be? my boyfriend.

77. What do you think about the weather? it’s cold.

78. Are you ticklish? depends where.

79. How many people do you trust with everything? family and my boyfriend.

80. Have you ever been asked out by someone you didn’t want to be with? no.

81. Have you kissed anyone whose name starts with G? no.

82. What are you doing for your next birthday? no idea. nothing as usual.

83. When you’re being kissed, do you like it when they hold your face? sometimes.

84. Do you take pills daily? yes.

85. Do you think you’ve changed over the past year? not really hahaha :(

86. Are you anyone’s first love? yes.

87. Can you handle the truth? most of the time.