#had to give her corny 80s fashion

[mroddmod]

i humbly offer my human viva design 🫶

[nitewrighter]

Ok, with beast boy’s og costume, you like the mask, hate the red and white color scheme.

Any thoughts on raven’s og look from the 80s? Her normal cloak over an evening gown and pumps. Fashion wise, I think it looks great, but it doesn’t seem to fit her personality wise, not then and definitely not now.

Though I imagine a modern story could call back to it, having her forced to wear the ensemble for a formal event.

Really not a huge fan of the 80's costume. I like the earrings gleaming under the shadow of the hood, but pumps? Really? Though yeah I agree it could be a fun callback in a formal outfit for her.

For me, on a design level, Raven is one of those characters where, I like her so much and she has so much going on that I'm pretty much never satisfied with whatever look they give her. DC Superhero Girls? Ew. Bombshells? Corny and lazy. Injustice? UGLAY. I know with the 03 show, the leotard had a lot of haters, but I honestly liked the leotard--I was in gymnastics as a kid, so I always thought there was something very elegant and ballet-adjacent with the long-sleeved black leotard, and this leotard also had the additional cool factor of the high neck. It's sleek, it's graceful, it's the look that made me fall in love with Raven's character to begin with. Plus, it was sportier than the high cut half-your-ass-hanging-out evening gown, and that meshed well with the overall looks of the team on that show despite her powers being more magic based than superhero sci-fi like the rest of the team. I also kind of like that it was slightly offset by those soft-looking short boots--those and the gem accents and the little sleeve cuff things added a little fantasy element to the outfit. I WILL say the DCAMU won me over on the sleeveless + long gloves combo by making them fingerless gloves.

I don't like when Raven's outfits incorporate too much of a 'bird' theme. So much of the time feathers just make her outfit look terribly busy, or it really doesn't match her restrained cool attitude at all. I do admire the ballsiness of the New 52 weird feather bone Griffith-Berserk-Eclipse-looking helm, but that look never really felt like Raven, at least it didn't feel like a Raven who was herself, if that makes sense.

For me, the ideal Raven look is one that brings to mind night and water, sleek silhouettes, fabrics that hang with a certain sense of weight but can also swish and sweep around dramatically. She's more of a shadow than a bird, to me. My design challenge for DC artists is "Forget about the bird thing for 10 seconds: How do we indicate to people that this is a half-demon interdimensional wizard girl, without making her outfit too busy?" Gem element good. Feathers bad. Don't worry about the bird--she can literally bring her own bird to the party with her Soul-Self.

I actually do like outfits of hers that turn the high-cut dress into more of a surcoat/overdress for like... a full superhero black bodysuit underneath. I am not a fan of the transparent looking tights, either make them opaque or keep her legs bare--sheer tights is just such a weird middle ground that doesn't feel like something she'd wear.

But yeah, anyway this is how picky I am when it comes to Raven's designs, haha.

[bossyscout]

Headcanons for Sasha!

Sasha's Headcanons

Sasha will own a personal hair dryer and makeup kit and outfit in her purse she calls it a fashion emergency whenever someone needs it.

Sasha's Parents name are Christian Davis and Amelie Davis Christain's Dad Sasha's hair color and green eyes while Amelie Davis has sandy brown hair and pink eyes like Sasha's.

Sasha will not share her Netflix Password and she definitely binge watches Bridgerton, or any 2000s girl clique movies she can get her hands on.

Sasha would braid Erin's hair with twists and she also styles her hair too she even gives her a bandanna to let her afro out <3 she does not want Erin to be ashamed of her natural hair.

Sasha has a cat named Puffball and She dresses them up but nothing too corny or anything like that but she will take her pets to the pet show.

Sasha's Favorite Era is 90s, 80s and 2000s but she isn't a huge neon fan it gives her a headache.

Sasha once went as the Little Mermaid for Halloween but she had to be carried because of the mermaid tail but she loved how much candy she had gotten in a night.

Sasha's scent smells like Strawberries, Berry Toothpaste and Freshly Baked Cookies.

Sasha's Favorite Muffins to bake are Strawberry and Banana Muffins or Chocolate Chip, Blueberry.

Sasha also styles Tabii's Hair as well she gives her cute pigtails, ponytails. She also wants Tabii to be confident in herself too.

Sasha listens to Olivia Rodrigo sometimes.

MASHA HEADCANONS FOR MAX X SASHA LOVERS!

Sasha would definitely try to put make-up on Max try to test it out and Max is willing to do it sometimes.

Max also Paints Sasha's nails while she is talking about her day and Max just listens to her completely and says "That's bullshit" if Sasha runs into a problem that she didn't approve of.

Sasha goes shopping sometimes with Max and Max usually picks out things he likes but also surprises Sasha with cute shoes he found.

Sasha also embraces Max's culture and learns more about India and Other Eastern Countries.

Sasha also was covered in a blanket by Max and Tea for her because Sasha got stressed at one point

[televisionrulesthenation]

S1E10 - “The Meershatz Pipe”

Original air date: November 28, 1961

Episode recap

At this office Rob, Buddy and Sally are working on the script for this week’s show. Rob seems overly-annoyed, probably because he’s tired.

Buddy and Sally decide to take a smoke break while Rob lies down. Buddy pulls out a fancy looking pipe he says is a gift from Alan Brady. He says Alan’s got quite the pipe collection in his den. Not having been to Alan’s house in a quite a while, an obviously jealous Rob leaves the office.

Rob returns home to find Laura and Richtie in the kitchen. Richtie wants Rob to read to him. Rob’s still in a bad mood but obliges. Richtie requests a book about Native Americans. Rob reads the part about the peace pipe and his mood worsens.

The next morning Rob is so weak is not able to the finish the second pushup of his typical twenty pushup morning routine. Laura insists he gets back in bed and take a sick day.

He checks in at the office via phone a couple times and everything seems to be under control with the show. Rob starts to feel unneeded.

The next morning he sneaks out of bed before Laura and heads to work looking disheveled. When he gets off the elevator, Mel stops him before he can even enter his office. Mel insists Rob leave as he can’t risk getting Alan sick before a live show. Buddy and Sally say they’ve got everything covered.

Later Rob and Laura watch the live Alan Brady show in bed. Laura thinks it’s hysterical. Rob is not amused because he didn’t work on it. Rob tells Laura he’s going to call Alan and resign. Why pay three writers when two can do the job? He thinks it’ll be better to resign than be fired when he looks for another job.

Before Alan signs off, he calls Rob live on the air and says to get well. He delivers a message from his co-writers: “HELP!” Turns out Rob is needed after all. Next day at the office, Buddy gives Rob a pipe that looks just like the one he has. He got it at the corner store. Buddy had only been joking the other day about Alan giving him a gift.

Everything is about me

I just had two of my seven direct reports accept different roles in the company in the past week.

Managing people is hard. Ostensibly, your job is to do your job. But then you also have to concern yourself with a bunch of other people’s jobs. And then you realize, it’s their job to do your job. You just have to make sure they do it.

And inspire them and challenge them. And make sure they are developing themselves to do jobs that are not your job in the future.

And the good ones leave and you have to train new people to do your job. But first you have to persuade them of why it will be great for them to be trained by you to do your job.

I am constantly recognizing my people for the littlest of things and at the same time not recognizing them enough somehow.

At work I am simultaneously Rob and Alan and Buddy and Sally and Mel.

My best person left. I recognized her and thanked her so far above my comfort level of offering thanks and praise to someone, and it was still probably not enough.

I pride myself in being a transparent communicator. But my other person that left always told me he felt disconnected and under-communicated to. So I just tried harder. Last week he told me his new org’s communication is just like ours and jokingly apologized to me for giving me a hard time the last few years.

I truly hope none of my people are sitting at home in bed right now feeling as unappreciated as Rob before he received that call from Alan.

Episode observations

Life before cell phones

I am not sure if I want to keep going with the section in the long run. The intention is point out all the plots based around pointless misunderstandings that would be easily resolved with cell phones.

I guess plots like these count. Again, it’s not as direct, but a cell phone with texting would have kept Rob in constant communication with Buddy, Sally and Mel throughout him being home sick. That’s the big difference a cell phone would have made in this plot. Nearly identical to the dog sitting thing last time. I can’t keep writing this over and over, can I?

Clothes and fashion

The thought of putting on a suit and tie when I am not feeling well makes my skin crawl. Anything but pajamas is a bridge too far when I’m sick.

Smoking references

In the office on a break, Sally gets out a pack of cigarettes, Buddy gets out a pipe. They never show them actually smoke, but smoking seems to a fairly normal thing. Still no direct evidence that Rob or Laura smokes.

Pop culture references

When Laura was trying to prove to Rob he was feeling too weak, she sort of pinned him down in bed. He jokingly called her Gorgeous George, the name of an old-timey pro wrestler I recognize but don’t know why exactly.

Not sure this observation fits here or anywhere, but Laura mentioned she weighted 112 pounds during this exchange.

Life advice

“I like him better when he likes himself.”

Richtie says that to his mom about his dad. Rob, feeling down about work, is not putting his best parenting effort forward. It was pretty corny and over the top scene, but it rang true to me. Trying to parent when you have other things on your mind.

Taking care of yourself first so you can be the best caretaker for those that need you.

Best/joke funniest moment

Buddy: He must have 500 pipes in his den

Rob: His den, in this house?

Buddy: No, in his car, what kind of question is that?

(The humor was all in Buddy’s delivery.)

Other assorted thoughts on life in the 1960s

Themes of employee engagement and not coming to work when you’re sick. That seems ahead of its time.

Rob’s office had an elevator operator.

Laura fixes some warm salt water for Rob to gargle with. I was going to leave it at that sentence, as it seemed so ridiculous it didn’t seem worth Googling. But my curiosity got the better of me and I Googled it. And apparently it is a thing and it helps your sore throat.

Richtie spit out some fact he learned on a kids’ TV show. And Laura thought aloud to herself, “who says television wasn’t educational.” I feel like that too was a thing back when I was a kid in the ‘80s and ‘90s, worrying about the educationalness of TV. I don’t really think about it nowadays.

The separate beds thing isn’t getting any less weird.

Final thoughts

What Alan Brady on-air phone calls could I make for my people right now?

[doubletrucks]

more audrey pavlikovsky-decker hcs under the cut bc im just talking to myself

she’s fussy at night and has a hard time sleeping but as soon as boris starts singing the kitten lullaby and rubbing her back she falls asleep

u know the phrase it takes a village? they wrote that about theo and boris bc everyone around them knows that have 0 baby knowledge between the two of them so everyone steps in and tries to help

hobie is the world’s best grandpa he loves audrey to DEATH and is always willing to answer theo’s panicked late night calls. when audrey gets older she loves to sit in the shop and learn from hobie, which he calls airborne genetics from theo

aunt pippa is always good for a walk in the park and babysitting for the night when she’s in town (even tho theo and boris cringe when she calls it their date night)

theo panics and buys like 80 parenting books online and him and boris both skim the same ones and manage to come away with opposite takeaways somehow but all that matters at the end of the day is that audrey is fed and healthy

mrs barbour also loves audrey and she gives theo all of kitsey’s old clothes to dress her up in

boris and theo are both shocked at how instantly they fall in love with her and they have moments where even if they can’t say it they look at each other and theyre just like holy FUCK this is our baby and we would die for her no meme. theo in particular is SUPER anxious for the better part of a year because he can’t fathom losing her after everything that’s happened so he stays up watching her breathe every night for months 

they’re both determined to give her better than what they had.... corny but true

she has soooo many nicknames in several different languages

boris speaks to her a lot in russian and polish but not enough to override the amount of english she hears every day so she knows a lot of specific words and phrases in other languages 

theo is determined to give her his weird idealized new york city childhood so they spend a lot of time in central park and riding the subway and on good days he takes her to museums

they always reference vegas around her and she gets soooo mad when they won’t tell her the specifics until one day when she’s older and visiting they’re having a drink together and they finally tell her about all the shit they did and she’s just like hm. honestly cool but also sort of hypocritical that you guys made me like, go to school and not do drugs as a teenager

she goes to hippie schools bc her dads hate the idea of her being stuck in some boring traditional class

boris is fast friends with a lot of the moms in audrey’s class bc hes wildly charming 

theyre the subject of a lot of speculation on parent teacher days. everyone wants to know if audreys dads are gonna show up so they can try and figure out their like...... Whole Thing 

they have gotten many, many notes home about audrey swearing

she’s a fashion icon from a young age but honestly do you expect anything less from a pavlikovsky-decker

she loves to hear stories about her grandma and theo finds that telling audrey makes it a little easier every time 

even as a little kid she is a MASTER arguer, which they both find hilarious. boris calls her their little lawyer (not that he wants her to go into law bc fuck that)

they spend a lot of time watching movies together-- old favorites of theo and boris’s and theo’s mom, and even occasionally a movie that theo’s dad liked 

audrey is a major drama queen which each of them secretly thinks she got from the other (she knows the truth-- they are a family of dramatic bitches) she fully insists that she’s dying on days when she doesn’t want to go to school

she doesnt really get theo’s whole art thing, but she’s super into poetry and they have a lot of philosophical talks about what it means to love a piece of art 

she grows up super politically active and into communism, and boris is always so proud when she says she’s going out to a protest

eventually she becomes a writer and publishes under the name audrey z.b pavlikovsky-decker and refuses to shorten it 

[themrsandmrsblog]

Girlfriend Tag: Lesbian Edition

Ladies: If you are in a romantic relationship with another female and would like to make a couples tag video with you and your significant other (girlfriend,  fiancée, or wife - however deep in the relationship you are), here are some questions to use. Answer for each other when appropriate, never for yourself (i.e. Dating Game style). Let’s see how well you know each other!

There are 110 inquiries, so you can be courageous and try to answer them all. If you don’t want to answer everything, please read them over, because there are plenty of good questions. You can also go to random.org and create a random number generator to decide which questions to answer. However you choose to answer this tag, make sure you have lots of fun with it. Oh, and please reblog!

RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND: 1. When, where, and how did you meet? (if you have a 'how we met' video, just reference that) 2. What did you first notice about each other? 3. What were your first impressions of each other? 4. Were you friends before becoming a couple? 5. Who first asked the other out? How did she do it? 6. When and where was your first date? 7. Were either of you out before becoming a couple? 8. Who was the first to verbally say "I love you"? 9. Tell the story of your first kiss. 10. Have either of you dated a girl before? 11. Have you told your family about your girlfriend? 12. Has your girlfriend met your family?

RELATIONSHIP BASICS: 13. When is your anniversary? 14. How long have you been a couple? 15. How much PDA do you do? 16. Have you ever been mistaken as sisters? 17. What are each of your birthdays (month/day/year)? What is your age gap? 18. Do you live together? 19. What are you usually doing when you hang together outside of your homes? 20. Whose family do you hang out with more? 21. Who is the main cook in your relationship? 22. How often do you eat out at a nice restaurant? 23. Who usually pays when you go out to eat? 24. Have you ever gone on a double date? 25. Are you friends with any other same-sex couples? If not, would you like to be? 26. Have you ever had to correct someone that your significant other is not a man because they assume you're straight? 27. Have you ever faced any discrimination or prejudice for being a same-sex couple? 28. How often do you host friends and/or family at your home? 29. Have you ever taken a trip to another state or country together? 30. Who is the bigger neat freak? 31. Who is more physically strong? 32. Who squashes the bugs? 33. Do you have any non-generic pet names for each other? 34. Do you have a couple name? 35. Do you have a couple song? 36. Have you ever worn your girlfriend's clothes? If so, how often? 37. Do either of you smoke? 38. What side of the bed do you each sleep on? 39. Who hogs the blankets/sheets more when sleeping together? 40. What do you argue/fight about the most? 41. How do you usually get over an argument/fight? 42. Have you ever started off a sentence with "I love you, but..."? 43. Have you ever given your girlfriend a honey-do list (a list of chores)? 44. Are there any famous lesbian couples you look up to? 45. What is the most romantic thing your girlfriend has ever done for you? 46. Does anyone you know disapprove of your relationship? 47. Have you ever discussed marriage? 48. Will either of you wear a dress at your wedding? 49. Do either of you want to have children? 50. How has being in this relationship made you a better person?

GIRLFRIEND BASICS: 51. How does your girlfriend define her sexuality? 52. What is your girlfriend's middle name? 53. What nationality/ethnicity is your girlfriend? 54. What does your girlfriend do for work? 55. Is your girlfriend religious or spiritual at all? 56. Besides her boobs and her butt, what is your girlfriend's best physical feature? 57. What is your girlfriend's best personality trait? 58. How tall is your girlfriend? 59. What is your girlfriend's eye color? 60. Describe your girlfriend's fashion sense. 61. Does your girlfriend have an angry/annoyed/disappointed/you're in trouble stare? If so, show it! 62. How good is your girlfriend at communicating through facial expressions? 63. How many people are in your girlfriend's immediate family? 64. What is your girlfriend's number labeled as in your cell phone? 65. Is your girlfriend a morning or a night person? 66. Is your girlfriend outgoing or more reserved? 67. Can your girlfriend play any musical instruments? 68. Does your girlfriend have any pets? 69. Does your girlfriend play any sports? 70. Does your girlfriend root for any sports teams? 71. Does your girlfriend have any quirky habits? 72. Is your girlfriend allergic to anything? 73. Be honest: What is one thing your girlfriend does that you don't like? 74. Beauty terms aside, choose one word to describe your girlfriend. Why that word?

GIRLFRIEND FAVORITES: 75. What is your girlfriend's favorite color? 76. What is your girlfriend's favorite food? Least favorite food? 77. What is your girlfriend's favorite TV show? 78. What is your girlfriend's favorite movie? 79. Who is your girlfriend's favorite musical artist? 80. What is your girlfriend's favorite song? 81. Does your girlfriend prefer coffee or tea? 82. Alcoholic or not, what is your girlfriend's beverage of choice? 83. Who is your girlfriend's biggest celebrity crush?

WHO IS BETTER AT: 84. Singing 85. Dancing 86. Driving 87. Humor 88. Math 89. Gift giving 90. Keeping a secret 91. Trivia/knowing random things 92. Having a cute laugh 93. Having better handwriting 94. Accurately telling when the other is lying

WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO: 95. Cry for no reason 96. Forget where they put things 97. Remember an important date (i.e. birthday, anniversary, etc.) 98. Randomly start singing 99. Randomly start dancing 100. Laugh at a corny joke 101. Say a sarcastic remark 102. Take longer getting ready to go somewhere 103. Be the driver when in a car together 104. Buy something they really don't need 105. Voice her opinions/tell you what she thinks without being asked 106. Dress up fancy for no reason 107. Be spontaneously romantic 108. Embarrass the other 109. Refuse sex

LASTLY: 110. Pass on one piece of relationship advice.

[wellamarke]

i finally saw stranger things 3 and i have thoughts that i will break down by character ((they are not very deep thoughts, they are mostly love)) 

first, the kids

1. my beautiful son, will byers, for once did not have a hell ride of a season and got to smile a couple times. he took a bit of a back seat really, and i feel sorry for noah schnapp for all the ‘neck scratching’ memes he’ll be buried in now that it was basically his signature move for 8 episodes (and not even a particularly useful one) but anyway... the destruction of castle byers was one of the most heartbreaking scenes and i would have liked to see more fallout from it, but we can’t have everything. mike’s ‘it’s not my fault you don’t like girls’ line? eiiiish can we get some follow up in s4 please. (it might not be your fault mike but you’re involved lmao) so anyway. glad will got a breather season, but man when he was crying so much in the goodbye scene, i felt that. could not cope. 

2. lucas!!!!!!!! my treasured son!!!! i love him so much. he was such a hero this season! he is always down to fight with his catapult and i adore him. i love what a terrible casanova he makes. i wish there had been some kind of glimpse of him looking after max after she watched her brother die, because that’s a complicated thing for those two. but s4 awaits. i would love to see lucas take a more central role in s4, incidentally. in terms of the boys, s1 was mike’s time to shine, s2 was will’s, s3 was arguably dustin since he got the most time away from the group? s4 lucas please and thank you 

3. my angel daughter max, i love her, she’s so brave and brilliant, and she is such a good friend to el, and although billy-as-he-was didn’t deserve her, she was a good sister, too. i worry about her a lot. lucas and max better be the front and centre couple of s4, i swear. it’s their time. let them. i guess i was a little confused at first at how much max’s style changed between seasons, but i support her always, and her clothes now are so happy and cute. she’s adorable. now somebody please make sure she’s alright. where is her mom 

4. dustin, light of my life, he is a good child and i am proud of him! i have always related to dustin’s position in the friend group lmao so to see him off with his own little crew was very adorable. i love him as both steve and robin’s child and steve and robin’s parent. he is so resourceful and i love that they finally utilised gaten’s angel voice! i was so glad suzie turned out to be real and plot-relevant (kinda), please can she come for a visit in s4? thank you. 

5. eleven, my daughter, my small small child, she broke my heart so much this season and i am so proud of her for finding herself. her s4 arc of regaining her powers will be very interesting and i’m excited for her and joyce’s relationship to be developed more, because i love them both. i really appreciated them going for the angle of ‘eleven needs to exist outside of mike’, partly because the way they were behaving at the beginning of the season did seem to make sense for kids their age with a connection like theirs, and it is healthier for them to.... not. at least sometimes. el is so hardcore, i love how her dialogue is still written a little stilted while still letting her express herself. she had so many iconic lines. i can’t believe they took hop away from her. also i’m a little disappointed (but not surprised) that there was no kali.

6. mike, my child, my gangly and adorable son, he was a joy this season (even when he was whinging). you know what killed me? how TALL he was when he hugged his mother at the end, especially compared to the s1 scene after will’s “body” is found. logically i know that these are actors who are growing up but it feels like an assault every time they flashback to their tiny s1 selves, and mike is just a giant now. bless him. he is a good boy who is trying his best. i don’t really understand why he didn’t tell el what hopper had said much earlier, but he’s a silly teenage boy, so, you know. it’s like that. 

7. erica my precious daughter, oh my goodness, i enjoyed her immensely. i’m so glad she’s properly part of the crew and is beginning to embrace the nerdy part of herself. icon. priah ferguson is an entire gemstone. when nancy etc graduate to the adult storylines and mike and co are the resident teens, erica will be the lynchpin of the new generation and i couldn’t be happier about that. 

now, the teens

1. nancy was so iconic this year, DAMN. this girl never rests and i love her. i’m glad the romantic drama was minimised, just enough to keep them interesting but not so you really worried she was going to pingpong back to steve or anything silly like that. nancy is such a role model truly. she’s so brave. my life, when billy’s car was hurtling towards her and she just stayed shooting. that’s my girl. (also, she’s so gorgeous. i feel like 80s fashion happened mainly so that natalia dyer could recreate it)

2. STEVE my sweet sweet son. again, an icon. i can’t believe they actually kept him in that sailor suit the whole season. what a national treasure. when he slammed billy’s car! i cheered. i’m very proud of the person he has become and his friendship with robin is just adorable. so glad that they will be able to discuss pretty girls together now that they work at the arcade. also, maybe he could make it to the end of s4 without cutting up his face, but that’s probably too much to ask, isn’t it? 

3. robin is my entire heart, i can’t even express how much i love this girl. she’s so clever and brave and wonderful and i can’t wait for her and will to share a scene (because cOME ON the solidarity!!!). i love her sarcasm and wit, and how she just jumps into the madness and gets stuff done. a queen. welcome to the family, robin. 

4. jonathan my boyyyyy, he was lovely this season, i was so proud of him when he took the situation in hand with el’s injury (even if she ended up doing the surgery herself!) i am excited for him to be el’s big brother as well as will’s (side note: el and will are sure to be the cutest siblings) and hopefully he and nancy can continue to navigate the stormy sea of being the teen flagship without too much on-again-off-again. we get it, they’re meant for each other. loved their moment with the scar at the end. 

5. oh, billy. i will admit, i felt bad for him a couple of times, and he certainly suffered enough, not that his treatment of lucas in s2 will ever be excused. dacre montgomery really gives the most, which makes billy weirdly watchable. i will never understand why they chose to bring back the karen wheeler stuff, brrrrrrr, but, yeah. i’m glad they didn’t exactly “redeem” him, but managed to kill him off while still adding depth. (he tried to save el and good on him for that, but in the end it was joyce who stopped the mindflayer, so). 

aaand the adults!

1. murray was a complete delight, and i was thrilled to have him along for the ride. i’m heartbroken that murray/alexei will not rise, because that had potential.

2. joyce was wonderful and hilarious and brave and heartbreaking and perfect, of course. i can’t believe they’ve now killed off BOTH her love interests (as far as she knows, anyway). that poor woman. i hope she can continue in her role of best mother ever, now that she has an extra traumatised child on her hands. joyce is the true mvp. the moral strength that woman has. the brains. the curiosity. she’s a way of life. 

3. hopper, where do i start. i actually didn’t like him much at the start of the season. i get that he hasn’t had a teenager before, but he seemed to take a little too much delight in petrifying mike, especially since he knew how much it would genuinely hurt el. that seemed a bit extreme for the sake of not wanting to give a corny speech. but anyway. this man is a true trooper. so many fight scenes. and we’re supposed to assume he’s not actually dead, right? the post-credits scene in russia was almost entirely pointless (big deal, they got a demogorgon) apart from the line, ‘no, not the american’... i mean, surely that’s hopper? surely? murray is unaccounted for in the time jump, i suppose, but no way he was captured and not joyce. both or neither. man, imagine the reunion with el and joyce, if hopper really isn’t dead. i’m going with he’s not dead. we never saw any remains. kudos for still making his apparent demise pack a whole punch, though. that letter destroyed me. 

other things:

1. the turning-people-into-goo stuff was so horrifying, how do you even go about creating those visuals 

2. some of the fight scenes i kind of let happen without really watching, and just came back to see who was still upright by the end, how do people watch this stuff

3. joyce didn’t decorate her house :( in fact the magnets undecorated themselves, as a forerunner to the entire house being stripped.... wow....

4. mr clarke is an absolute beaut and i love the way he was used (although it was strange not to have dustin included!)

5. i love love love how this show operates, with different teams finding different parts of the mystery and piecing it together under fire. i love how none of them ever go, “hey, we should tell the other people who are usually involved in this stuff, chances are they’ve got themselves into it this time around.” 

6. the byers’ dog is still unaccounted for 

[rockybalfeatherboa]

More B&T headcanons

More hc

-Ted has his haircut bc he pretty much just showed the barber a picture of Dee Dee Ramone

-Bill can (casually) dress pretty well but ted is the one who usually needs,,,a lil help

-he gains a better sense of fashion after high school when he moves in with bill tho

-every time they drink together ted does this lil hip swivel fists up dance when he’s drunk and bill absolutely hates it

-bills mom used to be a bad ass biker gang chick w a lot of tattoos but now she’s in jail,,,she’s really sweet and bill and his dad go to visitation often (sometimes ted tags along and he’s always so excited!! To see !!! mama s. preston esquire !!!!)

-they only have like 2 classes together but they sit with each other at lunch

-they’re both passing English but uhh not too well in everything else

-they’re in and out of detention a lot only sometimes bc they won’t stop talking and giggling during class but mostly bc of tardies

-they have learned how to have basically entire conversations thru facial expressions

-Bill can forge his dad’s signature perfectly and as far as Eugene Preston Esq. knows nothing happens at school

-Ted has a B+ in chemistry bc he cheats his motherfuckin ASS off !!!

-ted loves his dad and capt. Logan loves ted but they just,,,,are very out of touch w each other.. Ted’s dad is super old fashioned (according to the cartoon he’s a republican yikes!) and doesn’t really understand Ted’s personality or the new hip times of San Dimas 1988.. i like to imagine their dynamic like Eric and Red Forman

-both bill and ted place heavy metal and rock as their #1 music taste but synth and gangsta rap come very close

-Bill almost knows an entire cheerleading routine from watching them when they practice

-Ted and Deacon are so cool as brothers they have sworn to never snitch on each other to their dad

-missy is not a dumb hoe!!! Or a gold digger or sugar baby!!!,,,she’s just a super hopeless romantic and falls in and out of love easily, and her charms make men wanna propose to her every one luvs missy she’s so good!!

-ok ppl will admit she’s a lil weird,,,but very cool as well 😎

-Ted had to keep taking the driving test over and over bc he keeps hitting the cones and the only reason he got he license is bc one instructor got so tired of him always bein in the DMV she just passed him anyway

-Bill and ted give each other DIY piercings all the time and the only ones that don’t close up are the ones in their ears and even those got infected (once)

-like for example bill tried to pierce Ted’s nose and they already had enough trouble trying to get the nose ring thru the hole (that was bleeding a lot), but then his body just kinda ,,rejected the (cheap) jewelry over time and the hole closed up in like 2 weeks

-Bill was able to hide his shoulder tattoo from his dad for about half a year before they took a trip to the water park and had to do some explaining real fucking quick

-Ted loves Van Halen and especially David lee Roth and one time got a Charlie horse from trying to do those high kick jumps

-Ted’s dad is the type of guy to stand up in his living room and salute when the national anthem plays on tv and ted and deacon think that shit is so corny

-Bills dad tries so hard to be the hip cool dad bill kinda thinks it’s embarrassing but he loves the freedom he gets

-Bill n ted tried to recruit ppl for Wyld Stallyns but not too many ppl at school were interested and Deacon wasn’t really either.. they weren’t too bummed out bc they have big dreams about getting Eddie Van Halen

-Ted will only let go of a hug if u let go first

-Bill has a major crush on Christina Applegate as Kelly Bundy and pretty much only watches the show for her

-At deacon’s baseball games Capt. Logan is pretty quiet until something good happens then he stands up and goes “thaT’S MY SON!!!!! THATS MY SON!!!!! “

-he gets uncomfortable when ted tried to hug him (bc of old fashioned values about guys hugging and toxic masculinity) but he lets it happen,, ted goes all in while Capt. Logan gives a half hearted hug back but ted is oblivious to this

-Bill has glasses but doesn’t wear em bc his vision isn’t *that* bad but he pulls em out whenever he needs to read a sign from super far way

-before they settled on “Wyld Stallyns” bill and ted have considered the following: Rat Piss (with drawn logo provided by bill of a hand squeezing the piss out of a rat), Silk Angel, Jayne Mansfield’s Head, and Loins o’ Fire,,,,they wanted to be Van Halen so fucking bad

-Deacon jokingly suggested “The Brothers Bonehead” but they were just like shut up Deacon

-Ted could (and absolutely will!) inhale an entire jar of pickles

-same thing for bill but except with Kings Hawaiian bread rolls (were those a thing in the 80s-90s?? ah who cares)

-they’re both ticklish but especially Bill !!!!!

-every Christmas is just a battle of “idk dude what do YOU want?”

-whenever bill gets nervous her gets a slight lisp it’s kinda like the S sounds as a “thzhz” sound but it’s very very unnoticeable unless ur really listening

-Ted’s laugh is the purest sound to touch ur ears,,,heart emoji

-and bill has a lovely singing voice it’s so clear and deep and so nice ted and everyone loves it

-Ted wears a bandana sometimes,,he looks cute ,, just putting that out there

-also ted used to love dinosaurs and reading about them ,, he still does but just doesn’t read about them as much anymore but his love for dinos is still 💯

[theliterateape]

From the Archives: Unpacking Branson: A Thanksgiving Improbability

By Don Hall

For Thanksgiving in 2012, I was single and Mom decided that I should come out to my step-sister's place in Branson, Missouri for a good old-fashioned country Thanksgiving. The carrot was family. The stick was Missouri.

In the late 1960s it was pretty much a tiny city in the Ozarks known for roadside stands peddling wares that proliferated the hillbilly stereotype. And, sure enough, there are still today roadside stands that exist only to continue to make fun of that stereotype. It's an odd thing to walk into a business in the middle of the Ozarks that sells you the stereotype it tries to escape from. Like buying a taxi cab medallion from an East Indian store or an “I’m a Wetback” T-shirt in a store that sells Mexican merchandise.

It is said you cannot judge a book by its cover.

This is true most of the time, but there are some things you can judge immediately by its cover and pretty much know what your getting.

An Ann Coulter book. Sean Hannity. A FOX News broadcast. Great America. Applebee's.

I assumed that Branson, Missouri would fall into this latter category. I was right and wrong. And the complexities made it a real trip to remember.

Branson is where the Beverly Hillbillies came from before moving to California.

A winding series of roads littered with signs and theaters and restaurants. Lots of bumper stickers that declare “I’d Rather Be Dead Than SOCIALIST” and random tributes to past GOP glory. In the three days we trucked around the city, I counted perhaps one hundred people of color the entire time — I didn't start the trip by calculating this but after a bit, it was hard to escape. Thousands of old white people with canes and wheelchairs abounded but that doesn't really look that much different than Navy Pier or the audience at Chicago Shakes — old white people like to be tourists and Branson is, after all, a haven of tourism.

My step-sister, Hannah, tells me that the crack business booms among the residents of Branson and there is evidence around if you’re looking for it. The place is slightly schizophrenic in its place as a home to rednecks and hillbillies while trying desperately to distance itself from that by appealing to the tourist trade. There are places that stink of what one expects in Ozarks — a biker bar called the Hawg Trough that even my pro-GOP brother-in-law avoids and a Smoke Shop that doesn't sell cigarettes and has a pit bull guarding the door. But there are surprises that popped up during my three-day Thanksgiving vacation that defied my pre-judged expectations.

The surprises came in weird ways. When I arrived, we ate at a place called the Rowdy Beaver — a place with T-shirts that trumpeted “I Like Bald Beaver” and “That's A Mighty Nice Beaver” and had washboard walls. The thing that surprised was that the food was out of this world. It was delicious and well prepared and not at all what I expected. “Our chef prepares everything from fresh ingredients,” trumpeted our waitress who seemed completely fine with her job at a place filled with such juvenile innuendo.

The Hollywood Wax Museum was fun but the wax figures left me a bit wanting — a frequent refrain of our visit was my niece saying “Who's that?” and me doing my best to figure it out. I tried to convince my family to go to Silver Dollar City so I could find and steal a urinal cake but it was $60 per person and even I couldn't argue that $300 was reasonable for me to complete a toilet cookie tale. We had tickets to a magic show billed as the World's Largest (by the way, every attraction in Branson is billed as “Show of the Year,” “The Most Amazing in the World,” and “Mindblowing”) but the show was cancelled due to illness. Turns out Kirby VanBurch’s greatest trick is to take your money and disappear.

Our replacement show for the afternoon was going to be either Jim Stafford (I desperately wanted to see this) or SIX (the nieces had heard it was awesome). Stafford only did an 8 p.m. show, so SIX at the Mickey Gilley Theater it was.

SIX is six middle-aged brothers who debuted on the Donnie and Marie Show and have fashioned themselves as sort of an older version of an a cappella boy band. As soon as they started with a cheeseball version of Don’t Stop Believin’, Hannah and I turned to each other with a look of pained resignation. These guys had pretty good voices and the arrangements were fine but the self-consciously hip pose and cornball attempts at cool banter was unbearable. I learned that wanting to see an awful Branson show and actually sitting through one are two different things. I also learned that I will never, as a middle-aged white guy, ever use the words “homie” or “peeps” ever again. To be fair, the second act was better — a selection of Christmas songs and a tribute to their dead mother. Apparently this tiny woman had ten children, all boys, and I suspect she isn't dead but just got the fuck out of there before having to bear an eleventh kid. But the damage of the first act left me scarred and a little terrified of that evening’s show — Legends at the Dick Clark American Bandstand Theater.

Legends is a show that debuted in Vegas and moved to Branson. It is a rotating cast of celebrity impersonators ranging from Barry White, Marilynn Monroe and Tim McGraw to the staples of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson. Our bill was George Strait, Whitney Houston, the Blues Brothers, Liberace and Elvis. As we entered and sat down, once again surrounded by octogenarians, I steeled myself. This was going to be fucking awful.

And it wasn’t.

Really. In fact, it was a blast. The Whitney Houston knocked it out of the park, Liberace was funny but completely inappropriate in a callback to the dark days of The Gay Closet and the Elvis impersonator was so fucking good, if we had been sitting in the nose bleeds it would’ve been like actually seeing Elvis live. My mom, a huge Elvis fan from when he was alive, commented that he was the best Elvis impersonator she had ever seen. Hell, even my teenaged nieces enjoyed the show.

But we saved the best, most Branson-y show for Saturday. Yakov Smirnoff. Holy shit. I couldn’t wait. I was absolutely certain it would embody everything I expected Branson to be — cheesy, cloying, the very portrait of a has-been celebrity stretching out his 15 minutes of fame as paper thin as he could in the heart of the Vegas of the Ozarks. We were greeted by a giant Yakov head making awful jokes about... the size of his head! Inside, it turned out that Yakov was a painter and had his paintings for sale!

The beginning of the show was the longest version of the national anthem I’ve ever heard (who know there were, like, nine verses?) and then I was hit with another fucking surprise. On the video screens came an old Paul Harvey “The Rest of the Story” about a painter known as Jacob who painted and commissioned a painting in tribute to the fallen at Ground Zero in NYC following the Attacks of 9/11.  Painted on the side of a building overlooking the rubble, it was the backdrop to the first anniversary of the attacks. The painter was an anonymous Yakov Smirnoff. He paid for the commission out of his own pocket.

Some of his show was what I expected: a revisitation of his “What a Country!” schtick from the ’80s—a sketch of him as the president answering questions from the audience, and he actually quoted the Lee Greenwood God Bless the U.S.A. as a closer. But other parts were not at all what I anticipated. Turns out that Yakov went out and got a Master's Degree in psychology and decided that his show could also serve as a relationship counseling session as well. Sort of like Defending the Caveman meets a less arrogant Dr. Phill with the takeaway being that we begin relationships laughing and giving each other little gifts and that, if we simply return to giving each other gifts and finding laughter in our relationships, we’ll be happier, healthier people.

Was it a great show? Not really. The dancers were cheesy and only there to fill time, the jokes were funny in a “Yeah, I remember that one” sort of way, the political stuff was tame (although at one point, Yakov asked the audience who was happy with the results of the latest election — a smattering of applause that included my mother and I enthusiastically cheering — and who was ticked off by it — a thundering, slightly ugly ovation — with the Russian comic commenting “Yeah, that's about even...”) and the recurring pro-America stuff was hard to hear after a while. But the thing is... I liked him.

I mean, I really liked the guy. He was so overwhelmingly sincere and genuine. Christ, I wanted to hug him. And, while his show is corny and inoffensive and gentle and perfect for the Branson tourist crowd, this is a guy who lives in Branson, Missouri suggesting that people spend time laughing and loving one another instead of being shitbags.

Prejudice is a funny thing. Judging books by their covers is what we do as people. I imagine it’s a hard drive instinct. But, as I am often heard saying, while we are all unique and precious snowflakes and each of us is completely distinct, we are all made of fucking snow. We all are simply people trying our best to get along in the world. Yes, that means that our baser, uglier instincts come to play like ordinary people rioting in a Walmart on Black Friday to get a discount on a portable DVD player. It also means that our better, more generous nature comes into play, and sometimes it's nice to be reminded that even in Red State Hell, Yakov Smirnoff is telling thousands of people every week to just be fucking nicer to each other.

On Thanksgiving, the point is to be with friends or family and celebrate those things in our lives we are (or should be) thankful for. Sure, the holiday is laden with cultural markers that include the genocide of the Native Americans and our national quest to bequeath every American with diabetes but the point is gratitude. Gratitude can come from a lot of places and I’m thankful to remember the lessons I learned in Branson. 

[spam-monster]

Interesting Things from the Steven Universe Art and Origins book:

- The Gems were originally going to be straight up magical girls that transformed and had separate civilian identities.

- Another early concept is that they were created by a “mother” to protect the humans, but “mother” decided to destroy humanity so the girls formed “the giant woman” to defeat “mother” and save humanity.

- an early pre-pilot episode idea involved “Baby the badass biker-guy who wants to be a magical girl”

- other pre-pilot episode ideas had Steven’s crush on “Priyanka” (most likely early Connie), Pearl having a crush on the Pizza Guy, and Sadie possessed by a necklace that turns her into a popular singer and Lars potentially saving her.

- Steven is the opposite of a man-child, he’s a child-man!

- Rebecca says “Dramatic things don’t only happen to cool, serious people. And life doesn’t stop being ridiculous when a tragedy occurs.”

- Some old mythos from the pilot pitch - crystal gems were from another universe, Rose “vanished like a phoenix when Steven inherited her gem”, Rose would visit Steven’s dreams and give him advice and when he woke up roses would be growing around his body “which he finds very embarassing”

- the design of the human characters evolved from “food-centric” brainstorming. (i’m going to guess that being familiar with Akira Toriyama’s work might have helped with that)

- Rebecca in the pitch described the star symbol for the show as “They can look poppy and fun, but also ancient and magical.” and “It’s positive! It’s beautiful! It’s patriotic! It’s America!”

- Their goal was “doing Disney, seventies anime, and Hannah Barbera - all in the same art style”

- The crew enjoys using cartoons to talk about real world concepts because “People let their guard down when they watch cartoons.”

- The early Homeworld Gem concepts for “Cheeseburger Backpack” are extravagant and outlandish in a really gorgeous way, like a bunch of runway fashion models, They also played with the idea of having some of them wear faceplate helmets/masks like the Gem Temple statue has.

- Bismuth notes: “flirty with Pearl like construction worker”, thinks Pearl is hilarious/awesome “This high-class trophy wife who fights and kills people!”, “Huge respect for Garnet as an inter-class fusion - Sapphire for giving up privilege, Ruby for hitting that”

- The writers play a game where someone draws a scenario, and the picture gets passed to three different people who each write part of a story based on it. They’ve used a few of these for episode ideas.

- “Island Adventure” came from an episode idea that just read “Lars and Sadie make out - even though they’re not together.” It’s described as “Clearly, this was something we all wanted to happen.”

- “Onion Friend” also started out as one of these, the original idea involved “Grandma Shallot”

- “Future Boy Zoltron” came from two different writing games, one with Garnet using her future vision to do fortune telling (and being too blunt about it), and one with Steven reuniting Mr. Smiley with his old comedy partner. The notes for the latter include “also they were clearly lovers”

- The story game that eventually became “We Need to Talk” had Greg walk in on Steven and Connie kissing in the beginning and trying to give them the other “talk”, and he learned about fusion when he saw Pearl and Amethyst practicing it. 

- There was also an as-of-now unused idea set soon after Garnet joining the Crystal Gems about Rose asking her to fuse and Garnet being uncomfortable with it and Peal being annoyed that Garnet is uncomfortable with it

- There was an idea the writers kicked around for a while about a floating continent the Gems had elevated years ago called “Airstralia”

- It’s important that Steven is “as excited about everyday human things as he is about magic Gem things”

- About “Mindful Education”: “How can we make a story about meditation exciting? How can we get kids invested in a way that will make them want to see meditation work for the characters?”

- There are also “Design a Gem/Design Gem Technology” games where one person draws a character or object and another has to come up with the description. One of these is a potential design for a healed Earth Beetle, a tiny gem about the size of Steven’s head. Some of the “tech” is a gem embedded in a slice of pizza, a device that projects thoughts that Steven uses to spy on Lars’ dreams (complete with doodle of him dreaming about Sadie and Steven saying”I knew it!”), and a visor that shows you someone’s power level but also how sad they’re feeling - “with this information you can fight them physically and emotionally”

- The writers think ““I knew it!” is always better than “I didn’t see that coming””, so they like dropping lots of hints into the show

- With Ruby and Sapphire, Rebecca wanted to make a couple that looked very different from each other but were also obviously a perfect match for each other.

- Early versions of Peal and Garnet’s fusion were a lot more stoic-looking

- Steven and Connie’s relationship is described as “the pure love of children” and “that eternal love that could withstand anything” 

- About Peridot: shows that you can be hyperactive and weird but still loved, also showing that you can be friends with people who were raised differently from you, also “a straight-up corny alien”

- the ideas that Gems could pull things out of their gems and shapeshift came from old Tex Avery-type cartoons: “ What if we take the way that a classic cartoon character acted and turned it into a superpower?”. Also “One of our goals was to have these characters who were powerful heroes, but also have them be funny and weird too.”

- from a Storyboard Test for aspiring artists: the crystal gems and Steven = “like three Zeldas and a Mario”

- Estelle gave Rebecca advice on writing “Stronger Than You” and “Here Comes a Thought”

- “Comet” was an adaption of a song from a band Nick DeMayo (the animtion director) was in in the 80s

- “We wanted this beautiful perfection of everything that had to do with Homeworld and Gem society, but it had to be kind of eerie. One of the principal idea is that perfection is not something to strive for - that it’s not necessarily good, that imperfection should be celebrated.”

- They want the show to be “subversive in a positive way”

[himbowelsh]

BoB + Pacific boys and their secret hobby / guilty pleasure?

Richard Winters: He enjoys knitting. It’s something he keeps to himself for a long time, but it’s a great form of stress relief for him. He gives his friends and family, scarves, hats, and even sweaters; for the longest time he claimed he bought them, but Nix is the one who finally catches Dick knitting and figures out his secret.Lewis Nixon: He freaking loves mini-golf, okay? Real golf is pretty lame, but golf with obstacle courses, flashing lights, and swimming pools? Hole in one, baby. He's a pro. He especially loves really detailed little courses -- he gets to outsmart them and they're so much fun. He's basically a big kid on the mini golf course.

Carwood Lipton: Sometimes when he doesn't have anything better to do he'll stop in on the nearest open house. He's not looking to buy anything. He just is fascinated by walking through other people's homes, seeing how they live. There's something intensely intimate about it. (He never thinks of it as creepy until the day he takes Ron with him, and Ron tries to steal whatever isn't nailed down. After that, Lip reconsiders his hobby.)

Ron Speirs: Couponing. Why is he so into it? Why is he so aggressive about it? No one knows. Ron belongs on Extreme Couponing. He’ll steal piles of newspapers, just for the coupons. He keeps books. He’s only had one coupon expire on him in his life, and set it on fire right there in the store.Harry Welsh: He’s a stress-eater, but he’s such a midnight snacker that it’s ridiculous. Sometimes he wakes up and can’t sleep, so his go-to is just cookies and milk from the fridge. (Kitty will come downstairs at two in the morning to find him hunched over the kitchen table, three cookies stuffed in his mouth, and give him a long, disappointed look.)Herbert Sobel: He has a passion for opera music. Anytime he needs to unwind he just puts on some opera, kicks his feet up, and loses himself in the music. (He never tries to sing along, of course -- he values his own eardrums.)Eugene Roe: Cooking! This isn't so much a "guilty" talent, but cooking is such stress relief for him. He knows his way around a kitchen, and is damn good at preparing anything, from his grandmother's gumbo to spaghetti that would make Perconte shed tears of joy.George Luz: Erotica novels. He doesn’t like them, and he certainly doesn’t find them sexy -- he thinks they’re damn hilarious. His favorite would have to be But... You’re A Horse.Joe Toye: He’s a compulsive cleaner. Like, if he’s in someone else’s kitchen and they’ve left used paper towels lying around, he’ll clean them up. He’ll do other peoples’ dishes for them, fold their laundy... he doesn’t know why he does it, but it’s kind of stress relief to him.Bill Guarnere: Both Babe and Fran (his best friends in the world) are in love with certain shows, and while Bill pretends not to care, it's... tough not to get sucked in. These shows range from Shondaland to Gossip Girl to daytime soap operas. (Bill is very passionate about Grey's Anatomy, okay.) He and Fran will also watch telanovelas, and get really into it.Babe Heffron: Bubble baths. If he can, he will. He'll use up all the hot water and feel not one ounce of shame.Don Malarkey: Smoothies. They're just really... really good, okay? He loves the fruity ones, but he's not above trying something with carrots or other vegetables in it. The local health food bar loves him.Skip Muck: ALIENS ARE REAL, YOU GUYS. He’s fascinated by UFOs and cases of alien sightings. His interest extends into other supernatural occurrences and cryptids too (when he visited Oregon with Don, the first thing he did was go on a hunt for Bigfoot).Joseph Liebgott: Fashion. Look, Liebgott isn’t going to go and become a male model, but he could. He doesn’t even restrict himself to men’s fashion -- he thinks some of the modern fashions are super cool. He doesn’t apply what he knows to his own wardrobe, but he’s always up to flipping through a fashion magazine if there’s nothing else around. (He secretly loves Project Runway.)Frank Perconte: Look, sometimes you just need a nap, okay? Perconte loves his naps. If the opportunity is there, he’ll seize it -- he can get comfortable any time, any where. He insists that he needs his beauty sleep because “a face like this doesn’t happen on its own!”David Webster: He's goddamn nosy. This isn't even a guilty pleasure, he just is. He loves listening in on conversations and will butt into peoples' business just because he's interested. No one wants him there, no ones sure why he's there, but good luck getting rid of him.Bull Randleman: He loves baking. Bull can make a cake that will blow your mind, and his cookies are out of this world, but his specialty is cranberry tarts. You haven't lived until you've tried one.Johnny Martin: He loves 80s work out videos. He gets really, really into them. He’s got the shorts, the sweatband, everything.Buck Compton: He’s so good at chess?? Like, it’s scary how smart he is with this game. He can outwit any opponent, and he’ll coerce people into playing against him for fun. It’s never fun -- the only one who has fun is Buck.Shifty Powers: He loves listening to scary stories. He knows how bad it is, because he'll wind up freaking himself out later, but he just LOVES them. He's especially fond of ghosts and supernatural tales. He's subscribed to all the Read-Aloud horror channels on YouTube and can spend hours listening or reading through spine-chilling tales.Floyd Talbert: He writes poetry. Like not -- not good poetry, okay. Don't think for a second it's good. He knows how awful he is, and he can't rhyme to save his life, but he likes just rambling about his thoughts on paper. Poetry is easier than keeping a diary, and he feels more artistic, even if he's super embarrassed of the poems himself. (He left one lying around once. Webster found it and it almost made him cry.)Chuck Grant: He loves watching documentaries on YouTube. It’s pretty dorky, and a little boring at first glance, but Chuck is fascinated. He’ll go from watching a show about building the pyramids to one about the possibility of life on Mars. As a result, his YouTube history is hella weird, and he knows random facts about various things.Albert Blithe: When he was a kid, his mother forced him to take tapdancing lessons. He can still tap it out like a pro. He’s got the shoes in the back of his closet and everything.

The Pacific

John Basilone: He’ll eat weird shit and enjoy it. He’ll put peanut butter on carrot sticks, ice cream on french fries, ketchup on toast. His family used to make a game out of seeing what he would eat when he was a kid. It made him sick more than a few times, but he was always willing to try it. It became a matter of pride to him not to turn a dare down. Now his mother has banned the game in their house, because she’s honestly terrified someone will dare him to eat something like rocks or spoiled food and he’ll do it.Robert Leckie: Okay, look, he’s got high standards for literature, okay? He holds his own writing to high standards. He believes that you shouldn’t publish something unless it’s good... which is why his library contains a full collection of Stephanie Meyer books, and the Fifty Shades series. He doesn’t enjoy them, but he’ll read them, because he finds them fascinating. This is actually something that got published? It makes him feel better about himself. (He refuses to claim either Team Edward or Team Jacob, but his favorite character is Rosalie.)Eugene Sledge: He really enjoys music, but he loves church hymns. It's kind of corny, he knows, but there's something so classic and beautiful about them. While he's working he'll often hum or sing to himself, and he's made a point of learning a lot of the songs he hears every Sunday morning in church.Chuckler Juergens: He loves magic tricks. He’s really, really bad at them, but he’s thrilled anytime he sees one. He can never figure them out, so he’s made it his mission to learn as much as he can. (”Is... this your card?” “No. It’s not. We’ve gone through half the deck already, none of these are my card.” “It’s got to be in here somewhere!”)Runner Conley: So, he’s a track runner, but that’s not his only workout. He loves Zumba. Zumba is his jam, okay? He gets down. He’s the only guy in his entire Zumba class, and he’s convinced that he’s the best one there. Hoosier Smith: He cheats at games. It doesn’t matter what they’re playing. Maybe it’s cards, maybe it’s board games, maybe checkers -- maybe it’s freaking Jenga. Hoosier will find a way to cheat, he will have no shame about it, and he’ll be thrilled with himself.Sid Phillips: Will try to imitate any dancing scene he sees on television. If it looks cool, he��ll try his darndest. This ranges from Gene Kelly to Patrick Swayze. He doesn’t quite have the moves, but he’ll do his best. (He tries to convince his sisters to partner up with him, but they’ve gotten good at saying no to his puppy eyes; Sledge is a different story. Sid has conned him into being the Ginger Rogers to his Fred Astaire more than once.)RV Burgin: He loves gossip. He won’t partake himself, because he is a good dude, but he knows how to listen. He’s fascinated by juicy tales, true or not. Burgie has dirt on everyone.Jay De L'eau: Broadway soundtracks. Just musicals in general. A part of him is adamant that this is nothing to be ashamed about, but he’s sure not about to tell his friends about it.Bill Leyden: He genuinely loves kids?? One of his favorite things to do is babysit his little nieces and nephews. He cusses when he has to change diapers or when he loses the kid (which has happened more times than he wants to admit) but nothing makes Bill happier than playing peek-a-boo with his sister's baby or seeing his niece giggle as he tickles her.Snafu Shelton: Non-ironically enjoys gardening. He sucks at it, and has a black thumb that could kill any living thing it touches, but he does his best. The only thing he's managed to grow successfully is a cherry tree in his backyard, along with a ton of weeds. He still brags about having "the best damn garden you ever seen".Andy Haldane: He loves extreme sports. It scares the hell out of all his friends (Eddie insists he has a death wish) but Andy has been parasailing, skydiving, and bungee jumping. His favorite thing is jet-skiing, which is less-extreme enough that he’s convinced Eddie to come with him once or twice. He’ll admit he’s a bit of an adrenaline junkie.Hillbilly Jones: He likes legos. Correction -- he loves legos. He can make AMAZING things out of legos, and spends hours working on them. It’s literally the skeleton in his basement. He doesn’t want anyone else to know, and he’s pretty sure he’d die if his friends found out (or, god forbid, Andy) but he’s very proud of everything he’s created.Manny Rodriguez: Celine Dion. No, he doesn’t want to talk about it. My Heart Will Go On does things to him, okay? He’s a fanboy.JP Morgan: He loves toy trains. He still keeps the ones he used to have as a kid, and while he doesn’t play with them anymore (really... he doesn’t) he keeps them in perfect condition and is always looking to add to his collection.

[nylonsandlipstick]

Susan/Caspian for those ship questions please! 💕

You know me so well. I was literally dying to do this for them

who hogs the duvet: both, they’re too lazy to grab another blanket so that each could have one so the entire night is spend pulling on the sheets

who texts/rings to check how their day is going: both, they’re super corny and sentimental and love to send each other good morning/evening/night texts and will call or text each other in the afternoon to talk about their day so far

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts: susan, caspian isn’t the most creative when it comes to gifts but susan appreciates the roses, cards, and chocolates he always gives her

who gets up first in the morning: caspian, but only a few minutes before susan does, he likes to half up half an hour before her so he can hog the bathroom and properly ready himself for the day without taking some time out of susan’s morning routine 

who suggests new things in bed: both, but they’re not super into what happens in the bed and more emotionally attached so sugestions are scarce

who cries at movies: both, they’re super emotional people and it doesn’t take much for them to cry

who gives unprompted massages: caspian, susan always seems super tense and like she needs a massage so caspian will give her one when she seems especially stressed

who fusses over the other when they’re sick: susan, she’s such a worrywort, although caspian will dote on susan when she gets sick

who gets jealous easiest: neither, they’re very laid back and it takes a lot more than just a bit of flirting to make them jealous

who has the most embarrassing taste in music: caspian, susan will poke harmless fun at his obsession with corny old 70s and 80s music but she’ll listen along to it with him

who collects something unusual: caspian, he collects pens, something that everyone finds a bit strange

who takes the longest to get ready: caspian, he has this long morning routine that takes him almost an hour of his day, and he always changes his clothes several times before deciding on one outfit

who is the most tidy and organised: caspian, susan is actually a total mess while caspian is a neat freak, he follows susan around the house house to pick up whatever she throws around

who gets most excited about the holidays: caspian, susan liked holidays but caspian loved them, he loved decorating the house for each holiday and dressing up for it

who is the big spoon/little spoon: caspian is the big spoon, susan is the little spoon

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports: susan, she’s not normally a competitive person but when it comes to swimming with caspian, she needs to prove herself as the best

who starts the most arguments: neither, they’re not argumentative people and usually talk things out so as to avoid any arguments

who suggests that they buy a pet: caspian, susan isn’t super into pets but caspian is the one that begs and begs and finally gets to have a little puppy in the house

what couple traditions they have: making a big deal out of valentine’s day, waking each other up on their birthdays with breakfast in bed, saturday night dates

what tv shows they watch together: carlos el rey emperador, isabel, ahora caigo, jeopardy!

what other couple they hang out with: the other pevensies and their s/o’s 

how they spend time together as a couple: picnicing, going out to the beach to swim and relax, playing around with recipes in the kitchen

who made the first move: caspian, susan had liked caspian but she hadn’t realized he returned her feelings until caspian was pushed into asking susan out on a date

who brings flowers home: caspian, he likes to be a bit old-fashioned and bring flowers to susan at work or at home for no apparent reason

who is the best cook: both, they both love cooking and experimenting with recipes

[theblogchelor]

Week Eight aka ATVs and UTIs

Here’s What Happened Monday

Hometowns! What little girl doesn’t dream of the day she gets to bring home the love of her life, introduce him to the people she holds dearest in the world, let her father get bullied into giving his blessing on a sham wedding by some unshowered producer, share a tearful goodbye as her boyfriend leaves to repeat the process with his three other girlfriends, and ultimately spend the rest of her life with a venereal disease she contracted filming a cutesy bit rolling around in a swamp?

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves: first Nick goes through the formality of offering each girl a rose, mostly on the off chance that they might all turn him down and free him to pursue his lifelong dream of not getting married and making a living off promoting expensive sunglasses on Instagram. But no such luck.

Raven’s Hometown: Hoxie AR, aka ATVs and UTIs  

Our dear, sweet Raven greets Nick on an ATV wearing cutoff jean shorts and a conveniently thin white t-shirt AKA proper motorsport safety attire. After some good old fashioned breaking-and-entering-adventure-gets-busted-by-the-police-but-not-really-beacuse-it’s-just-her-affable-cop-brother, Raven and Nick spend the afternoon destroying local agriculture by riding ATVs through active rice fields. They then make out in the swamp water while Raven tries her damnedest not to think about snakes and Nick yells at the camera man to “make sure he’s getting this sick angle on his obliques.”

Later, after hot showers and a full battery of antivirals, Raven and Nick set off to meet Raven’s adorable wholesome family who look absolutely nothing like Raven. Her father reveals some good medical news, and the two share a poignant moment of gratitude on back porch while my roommate points out at he looks like the lovechild of Tobias Fünke and Ken Bone.

Rachel’s Hometown: Dallas TX, aka Next Season On The Bachelorette…

Rachel decides to make Nick feel right at home by conducting a string of socially uncomfortable litmus tests to make sure her serial-dating boyfriend isn’t also a lowkey racist. First she takes him to church, which is less awkward because it’s an all-black congregation and more awkward because Nick spends the whole service thinking about how he can’t wait to fornicate with three of his four girlfriends next episode.  

Next Rachel takes him home to meet her family where her sister challenges Nick on his knowledge of okra, to which Nick responds that he definitely knew okra was a thing but had been pretty sure it was a type of whale. The biggest disappointment of the family visit is the revelation that Rachel’s father, the federal judge who wouldn’t be caught dead on The Bachelor, indeed wouldn't be caught dead on The Bachelor, so it is up to someone else to grill Nick on interracial issues. Of course that task lands on the shoulders of Rachel’s corny white brother-in-law who is chomping at the bit for Nick to offend him.

The real heroes of this segment are Rachel’s wise and wonderful mom and her bone-chillingly intimidating sister who are going to make incredible television next season.

Corinne’s Hometown: Miami FL, aka Adventures of the One Percent

The hometown we’ve all been waiting for is pure, unadulterated, 100-proof Corinne. She takes Nick shopping in an exclusive Miami mall where all the store clerks greet her by name and bring her champagne as she forces Nick into designer sweatpants. Eventually she buys him a $3000 cashmere sweater to wear out of the store, even though they’re in Florida and he’s already the sweatiest man alive.

Famished from the day’s shopping, Corinne tells Nick she loves him over a styrofoam plate of teriyaki chicken at the mall food court. We’ve all been there.

Later, we finally get to meet Corinne’s fantastic family: there is an angsty teen mini-Corinne and a olive-breeding hairy-chested dad and, of course, there is Raquel. Do not expect Raquel to go gentle into that dark night, oh no. In the most baller move of the season, it’s our girl Raq City who sits Nick down to grill him on his intentions with Corinne.  And then after that ringer, Nick has to sit down with Corinne’s dad who gives him a glass of scotch and tells him Corinne would be happy to be the breadwinner of the family just to watch the last of Nick’s fragile manhood shrivel before his eyes. God, I love the Olympios family. 

Vanessa’s Hometown: Montreal QC, aka Twenty Minutes of Canadians Crying

Vanessa finishes off Nick’s hometown visits, first taking him and his stupid sweater to meet her beloved students. The class is so sweet and humors their dear teacher when she suggests they all put together a scrapbook of she and Nick’s sexual escapades. It’s heartwarming.

On their way to her home, Vanessa asks Nick if he speaks any Italian and he responds, “buenas noches.” Vanessa decides to table her concerns over his linguistic capabilities for the time being and introduces Nick to her family: thirty loud, multigenerational Italian Canadians, all speaking at once, all sobbing at random intervals. Nick, who loves crying, feels instantly at home.

Vanessa’s immediate family is over the top protective. Her little brother, the one ginger kid from every ‘80s teen movie ever made, begs her to find someone worthy. Her sister, we’ll call her Eyebrows, threatens to murder everyone Nick’s ever cared about if he hurts Vanessa. Her father, Italian Putin, flatly denies Nick’s request for his blessing but eventually gives in anyway. I don’t have proof but I’m willing to bet all of her great grandmothers probably burnt effigies of Nick in the backyard too, just to be safe.

Miscellaneous

Nick is pacing in his hotel room wearing all black like a cheap Disney villain when – dun dun dun! – Andi comes to his door. That scene would’ve had a lot more impact had I watched her season and not had to ask my roommate who she was.

How is Vanessa, or anyone, upset that Nick asks all the dads for their blessings in marriage? He started this thing with thirty girlfriends and asked for only four marriage blessings. I’d say those are good margins.

Nick had a stress pimple in Montreal and it made my day.

I can’t wait for week nine.

Bae Grimaldi

[veginomic]

Girlfriend Tag: Lesbian Edition

Ladies: If you are in a romantic relationship with another female and would like to make a couples tag video with you and your significant other (girlfriend,  fiancée, or wife - however deep in the relationship you are), here are some questions to use. Answer for each other when appropriate, never for yourself (i.e. Dating Game style). Let’s see how well you know each other!

There are 110 inquiries, so you can be courageous and try to answer them all. If you don’t want to answer everything, please read them over, because there are plenty of good questions. You can also go to random.org and create a random number generator to decide which questions to answer. However you choose to answer this tag, make sure you have lots of fun with it. Oh, and please reblog!

RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND: 1. When, where, and how did you meet? (if you have a ‘how we met’ video, just reference that) 2. What did you first notice about each other? 3. What were your first impressions of each other? 4. Were you friends before becoming a couple? 5. Who first asked the other out? How did she do it? 6. When and where was your first date? 7. Were either of you out before becoming a couple? 8. Who was the first to verbally say “I love you”? 9. Tell the story of your first kiss. 10. Have either of you dated a girl before? 11. Have you told your family about your girlfriend? 12. Has your girlfriend met your family?

RELATIONSHIP BASICS: 13. When is your anniversary? 14. How long have you been a couple? 15. How much PDA do you do? 16. Have you ever been mistaken as sisters? 17. What are each of your birthdays (month/day/year)? What is your age gap? 18. Do you live together? 19. What are you usually doing when you hang together outside of your homes? 20. Whose family do you hang out with more? 21. Who is the main cook in your relationship? 22. How often do you eat out at a nice restaurant? 23. Who usually pays when you go out to eat? 24. Have you ever gone on a double date? 25. Are you friends with any other same-sex couples? If not, would you like to be? 26. Have you ever had to correct someone that your significant other is not a man because they assume you’re straight? 27. Have you ever faced any discrimination or prejudice for being a same-sex couple? 28. How often do you host friends and/or family at your home? 29. Have you ever taken a trip to another state or country together? 30. Who is the bigger neat freak? 31. Who is more physically strong? 32. Who squashes the bugs? 33. Do you have any non-generic pet names for each other? 34. Do you have a couple name? 35. Do you have a couple song? 36. Have you ever worn your girlfriend’s clothes? If so, how often? 37. Do either of you smoke? 38. What side of the bed do you each sleep on? 39. Who hogs the blankets/sheets more when sleeping together? 40. What do you argue/fight about the most? 41. How do you usually get over an argument/fight? 42. Have you ever started off a sentence with “I love you, but…”? 43. Have you ever given your girlfriend a honey-do list (a list of chores)? 44. Are there any famous lesbian couples you look up to? 45. What is the most romantic thing your girlfriend has ever done for you? 46. Does anyone you know disapprove of your relationship? 47. Have you ever discussed marriage? 48. Will either of you wear a dress at your wedding? 49. Do either of you want to have children? 50. How has being in this relationship made you a better person?

GIRLFRIEND BASICS: 51. How does your girlfriend define her sexuality? 52. What is your girlfriend’s middle name? 53. What nationality/ethnicity is your girlfriend? 54. What does your girlfriend do for work? 55. Is your girlfriend religious or spiritual at all? 56. Besides her boobs and her butt, what is your girlfriend’s best physical feature? 57. What is your girlfriend’s best personality trait? 58. How tall is your girlfriend? 59. What is your girlfriend’s eye color? 60. Describe your girlfriend’s fashion sense. 61. Does your girlfriend have an angry/annoyed/disappointed/you’re in trouble stare? If so, show it! 62. How good is your girlfriend at communicating through facial expressions? 63. How many people are in your girlfriend’s immediate family? 64. What is your girlfriend’s number labeled as in your cell phone? 65. Is your girlfriend a morning or a night person? 66. Is your girlfriend outgoing or more reserved? 67. Can your girlfriend play any musical instruments? 68. Does your girlfriend have any pets? 69. Does your girlfriend play any sports? 70. Does your girlfriend root for any sports teams? 71. Does your girlfriend have any quirky habits? 72. Is your girlfriend allergic to anything? 73. Be honest: What is one thing your girlfriend does that you don’t like? 74. Beauty terms aside, choose one word to describe your girlfriend. Why that word?

GIRLFRIEND FAVORITES: 75. What is your girlfriend’s favorite color? 76. What is your girlfriend’s favorite food? Least favorite food? 77. What is your girlfriend’s favorite TV show? 78. What is your girlfriend’s favorite movie? 79. Who is your girlfriend’s favorite musical artist? 80. What is your girlfriend’s favorite song? 81. Does your girlfriend prefer coffee or tea? 82. Alcoholic or not, what is your girlfriend’s beverage of choice? 83. Who is your girlfriend’s biggest celebrity crush?

WHO IS BETTER AT: 84. Singing 85. Dancing 86. Driving 87. Humor 88. Math 89. Gift giving 90. Keeping a secret 91. Trivia/knowing random things 92. Having a cute laugh 93. Having better handwriting 94. Accurately telling when the other is lying

WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO: 95. Cry for no reason 96. Forget where they put things 97. Remember an important date (i.e. birthday, anniversary, etc.) 98. Randomly start singing 99. Randomly start dancing 100. Laugh at a corny joke 101. Say a sarcastic remark 102. Take longer getting ready to go somewhere 103. Be the driver when in a car together 104. Buy something they really don’t need 105. Voice her opinions/tell you what she thinks without being asked 106. Dress up fancy for no reason 107. Be spontaneously romantic 108. Embarrass the other 109. Refuse sex

LASTLY: 110. Pass on one piece of relationship advice.

[happymetalgirl]

My 50 Favorite Metal Songs of 2017

50. Kreator – Satan Is Real

Despite the corny lyrics, the song is some catchy well-produced mid-tempo thrash, and the key shift near the end has repeatedly brought me to a sprint despite being deep into exhaustion on many a run.

49. Boris – Memento Mori

“Memento Mori” is one of the more ethereal moments on the already ascendant Dear, and it’s a great moment in Boris’ massive career. The vocal melody that slowly floats across the song is what lifts the song to its emotive height.

48. Dead Cross ��� Bela Lugosi’s Dead

One of the album’s stylistic outliers, the song’s low register vocal melody and its brooding tom-heavy drum beat make it strange, not really in the same trashy hardcore punk field of the rest of the album, but also immersive. It’s one of the more unique metal songs of the year.

47. Full of Hell – Gnawed Flesh

On an album already full of pummeling deathgrind with a few noisy/industrial experimental moments, what makes “Gnawed Flesh” standout after seven tracks of extreme blast beat battery and scathing shrieks of agony is the breakdown (not like a metalcore breakdown) that finishes the song with the “Man will fail, man shall always fail” line bellowed from the bottom of the throat increasingly more slowly and sustained increasingly longer.

46. Project 86 – Dead Man’s Switch

I much brighter moment in contrast to “Gnawed Flesh”, “Dead Man’s Switch” finds Project 86 spicing up some traditional post-hardcore with a glorious pairing of guitars and vocals on a fist-raising melody backed by sufficiently hard drum pounding.

45. Sepultura – Phantom Self

With a super groovy drum/palm-muted rhythm to give the song some tasty low-end verses and an orchestral backing to tastefully accent the melody and bring the song to its chaotic climactic end rather than overblow the whole track, Sepultura deliver one of their most unique tracks on Machine Messiah and one that petty naysayers of the Max-free lineup should be pointed toward for reference.

44. Motionless in White – Queen for Queen

Not a lyrical masterpiece, though certainly better than some other tracks on Graveyard Shift in that department, “Queen for Queen” is the crunchy production and industrial flair of the album at its best, underneath infectious vocal melodies.

43. Integrity – 7 Reece Mews

The most epic song on the album, “7 Reece Mews” captures the hard gruffness of the rest of the album, but swirls it into a building, elevated piece proggier than most of the other songs on the album.

42. Mastodon – Toe to Toes

Going for a sound closer to prog rock than what they’re known for, Mastodon capture a feeling of alleviated sorrow and enlightenment on “Toe to Toes” with shiny guitar leads and revealing, emotive vocal melodies. It sounds like a song that the band actually had a specific idea for and took their time to make, which I feel like they didn’t do so thoroughly on Emperor of Sand.

41. Suffocation – Clarity Through Deprivation

It was hard to pick from all the songs on Suffocation’s new album, but I eventually kept coming back to the excellent opener, straightforward technically crushing death metal finished off with a seamless breakdown that offers no breath and delivers the final punches with finesse.

40. Fit for and Autopsy – Heads Will Hang

The Gojira influence the band marinated in during this album’s sessions is all over this track. The pick slide incorporated into the song’s main groovy riff, the groove of the riff itself, and the melodically shouted vocals all point to the band jamming Magma all last year and this year, and it made for a great song.

39. Deadspace – Nostalgia, Like a Plague, She Rapes Me to Sleep

At the finishing climax of a short but rewarding group of songs to land on a split album this year, Deadspace show all their cards with vocal features of unique styles for ambient black metal, well combined and structured with an increasingly heavy instrumental that focuses more on playing to the song’s progress and on trying to impress any hardened hearts.

38. Trivium – The Sin and the Sentence

Trivium came back harder and more convincingly with gruff vocals again on The Sin and the Sentence, and the title track has continued to grow on me as it’s helped me through some tough workouts. I wish the whole album was as similar in feeling to Shogun and In Waves as this track was. Matt’s more clinical style of clean singing certainly helps this song’s hook, and his growls are a much-welcomed treat.

37. Soen – Orison

Soen, in their notably Tool-familiar style, routed Opeth a little bit with a smooth, proggy head-banger absent of any harsh vocals, sounding like what I wish more of Sorceress sounded like. Right from the palm-muted intro, the song gives hint of the motion it soon induces, addictively sing-able the entire way through.

36. Chelsea Wolfe – Vex

One of her more directly menacing albums, the featured growls on “Vex” alongside Chelsea’s chilling voice embody so boldly that darkness she resides so comfortably in, and in more metallic fashion than ever before. Chelsea sounds like she’s remorselessly summoning the very collapse of the sky on this song, with the growls seemingly a representation of the extreme of the darkness in her tearing its way out of her.

35. Sólstafir – Hula

“Hula” was hardly the heaviest number on Berdreyminn, in fact probably the most mellow, more post-rock than post-metal. But like good post-rock is supposed to (and hasn’t for a long time for the most part), “Hula” builds on its ethereal foundation to a soul-opening vocal crescendo.

34. Thantifaxath – Cursed Numbers

Thantifaxath turned up the experimentation on the closing track of their new EP, venturing deeper with the first drum punch into abysmal black metal psychosis. Whether the band are going willingly or falling further into the void is hard to tell as the song only gets more and more chaotic.

33. Oceano – Dark Prophecy

I kept coming back to this song in particular for the unabashed deathcore brutality it condenses so well. Well-produced, eviscerating guitars and merciless drumming tear through this song from beginning to end, but what wraps it all up so nicely is the ridiculously guttural vocals so dense they slow the pace of even the fiery instrumentation beneath.

32. Power Trip – Waiting Around to Die

The clinical execution with which Power Trip helped lift thrash into 2017 with exactly what lifted it up in the 80’s is astounding, and the precision with which they channel Kill 'Em All-era Metallica on this song especially deserves immense respect.

31. Cannibal Corpse – Code of the Slashers

“Code of the Slashers” is an exhibition of Cannibal Corpse doing what they do best, at their best, making crushing, classic death metal infectious and groovy. Cannibal Corpse let the sustain of the guitars do the talking for the most part on the intro, but they sound like the battle howl of a massive army more than plain talking, and the Corpsegrinder’s echoed refrain seals the catchiness factor expectedly bloodily.

30. Marilyn Manson – Saturnalia

Manson went a little bit proggy on this one, and with quite a rewarding pay-off. While he’s known for his weird musicality and shocking presence, Manson has kept himself controlled and tenacious even through his roughest eras, and on this song he flies under the radar for a more brooding Mechanical Animals-ish set of verses and choruses in his signature low moaning vocals, which eventually explode into a captivating climax with the swell of the metal underneath the ambient rock above it with Manson screaming high with applaudable execution.

29. Slaughter to Prevail – Chronic Slaughter

Deathcore song of the year for me, Slaughter to Prevail came through with the hunger a newer band should have driving them from within. The band bring not only the high bar of brutality of the deathcore flavor to the table, but they shuffle it up with unique structure and dynamic changes across the song, which at a couple of sections sounds much like Nergal came on board for a few seconds.

28. Alestorm – Fucked with an Anchor

I had to give Alestorm a spot for this song. The upfront stupid tongue-in-cheek humor that I wouldn’t want any differently from them is exponentiated with the goofy folky pirate metal on this song and God am I glad for it.

27. Goatwhore – Those Who Denied God’s Will

Goatwhore close Vengeful Ascension with quite an epic and apocalyptic blackened death/thrash sandstorm of a song, made so grand by the majestic guitar coverage and the thundering drums that tear through everything on the ground below.

26. Code Orange – Kill the Creator

Despite being a short and perhaps awkwardly structured track, “Kill the Creator” captures the hardcore, the industrial, the massiveness, the primal savagery, and the unpredictability of Code Orange in an entirely unforgettable and uncopiable manner, whose big choral-backed ending is quite justified.

25. Primitive Man – My Will

It was so hard to pick a track out of this album so I just went with the first one that told me right from the get go how uneasy, unempathetic, and ceaselessly powerful and flattening this whole album is. Not to say the other songs are far below this or that they’re just an indistinguishable mush of sludge and death, but the album is really meant to be experienced as a whole, an unapologetic session of soul abuse, with the physical aspect conveyed by the music. Someone should slip this into a sex playlist and document the mood change because if any song breaks up, crushes, and grinds into crumbs immediately any romance, love, intimacy, and joy, it’s this one.

24. Havok – Intention to Deceive

From the news anchor reel sample to the intricate thrash riffing and all-too-relevant commentary, Havok do Megadeth much better than Dave Mustaine himself has for years now. With lyrics striking at the purposefully manipulative and pathetically inept media shitstorm, Havok make light of a huge part of what has fueled the toxicity of the political climate so nastily as of late: media outlets becoming less veiled in their partisan agenda-pushing and their ego-patting of their constituents, be it Fox News for Trump or CNN against him. It’s not new, and Havok isn’t trying to start any kind of revolution with this song, but damn is it good to hear thrash taking a well-played stab at the relevant and incredibly infuriating flaws of the political climate of today, and in classic thrash fashion so expertly performed.

23. Zeal and Ardor – Children’s Summon

One of the most exciting songs from one of the year’s most exciting bands, I only wish this song was produced to better accentuate the volume dynamic and the punchiness the song plays on. But despite it needing a remaster, each choral chant paired with pounding bass drum and the black metal sections make for an incredible listen.

22. Converge – A Single Tear

Kicking off The Dusk in Us with no presumptions and no pretense, “A Single Tear” eventually turns unexpectedly but expectedly sorrowful and wraps up a raw expression of loss beautifully. No less furious in its vulnerability than its directness, the song captures multiple facets of Converge’s sound at their most potent.

21. Persefone – Aathma

The epic four-part drama that closes their 2017 album, Persefone turn their prog, their scope, and their immensity all up to eleven for the title piece, bringing a sense of satisfying completion to the album and standing alone magnificently. Moving through numerous sections of varying intensity the band sound as spiritually elevated as they need to for the song.

20. Mutoid Man – Bone Chain

Mutoid Man make a perfect, delicious blend of thrash, stoner metal, and hard rock that I cannot think of coming from anywhere else and “Bone Chain” captures them at some of their most sludgy. The tasty groove of the low palm muted riff and the exquisitely clean vocals make this song in particular.

19. Stone Sour – Fabuless

So much of Hydrograd and so much of this song were very overcharted territory for Stone Sour, but “Fabuless” flows through the more hard-rocking and metallic vein as one of the band’s best with that goddamn infectious chorus chant. The band’s pushing no boundaries at all, but it sure as hell doesn’t matter during “Fabuless”.

18. Converge – I Can Tell You About Pain

Wrestling wild guitar feedback into a noisy hardcore beatdown with syncopated drumbeats bashing in the head of anything nearby, Converge put another violently emotional confessional to tape brilliantly.

17. Elder – Sanctuary

Like Soen with Opeth, Elder ended up doing Mastodon better than Mastodon with Reflections of a Floating World and the mental space-odyssey-ish vibe is captured best on the opening “Sanctuary” with the echoed grand vocal melodies and big guitar lines stringing together a series of proggy sludge.

16. Zeal and Ardor – Blood in the River

The more I worked out with this song playing the more I came to appreciate it for the variety of musical elements that pepper its loud, soulfully sung refrain. Like much of the album, I think a remaster would benefit the song’s dynamic shifts, but it is not unenjoyable as it is due to its current mastering.

15. Full of Hell – Trumpeting Ecstasy

Definitely the most unique song on the album, the title track’s eerie muffled and distorted riff is made sweetly poisonous by the inviting female singing atop it, only priming the song to bit hard when the screams of deathgrind burst in.

14. Decapitated – Kill the Cult

With a death metal riff so groovy and double bass so precise, Decapitated brought themselves out of a bit of a dry spell with this song especially on their new album. I remember getting to my post about Anticult late and the next day seeing the ominous, unsavory, and still-unclear news about the band’s accusation of kidnapping and rape in Washington. I wish I didn’t have to mention it because it’s just a terrible situation no matter what the reality of it is. At this point, from what I know about it, it could go either way really and while the band still have their presumed innocence I think their work this year is worth praising. I’m not saying I side with them or against them in their legal battle, nor that I condone or excuse at all what they’re accused of having done. It should go without saying really, regardless of the future legal outcome, this praise is solely for the art and the artistic facet of the band members, not their personal decisions outside their music that have essentially zero connection to their art.

13. Code Orange – Real

Of all the applause Code Orange have been getting, I don’t see enough of it directed toward “Real”. The band tells everyone right upfront: “This is real now, motherfucker.” But really, Code Orange kick up some straight-up aggressive hardcore/metalcore of all shapes and sizes through the instrumental shifts on this song, each section full of chest-pounding accents, grinding guitar leads, and impassioned gruff vocals that prove that Code Orange is not just a front, they’re not playing around, they’re not a façade. Code Orange is real. Motherfucker.

12. Chelsea Wolfe – 16 Psyche

Chelsea Wolfe made metal bend to her whim on Hiss Spun, and especially on “16 Psyche”, playing the heaviness and creepiness of the music to her strengths and her stylistic comfortabilities and experiences. Not that she at all dismembered or butchered the metal instrumentation, the main motifs of the verses and chorus are sticky and swooning, and sufficiently massive.

11. Trivium – The Revanchist

This is how Trivium fans have wanted the band to sound, yet I don’t see anyone talking about this song either. It’s epic, it’s chorus is so sing-along worthy and it’s melody is so emboldening, I’m surprised people are talking more about “Endless Night” than this song, it sounds like it could have landed on Ascendency. This is what everyone has wanted from Trivium since Vengeance Falls and they definitely delivered, so appreciate it.

10. Igorrr – Ieud

Igorrr are no less weird on this song than they are all over their discography, but the passionate vocal opening on here finds Igorrr tugging shockingly well at the heartstrings, staying true to their eccentric metal creed. It’s Igorrr as strange as they usually are, but catching the ears off guard and giving a truly emotional performance.

9. Igorrr – Homous

That’s right, two in a row. I put this song ahead of “Ieud” because it kind of captures the essence of Igorrr a little more completely. With accordion opening the song at allegretto, the blast beats that follow somehow feel right at home, which highlights Igorrr’s strength. While other metal bands will often try to throw a sax or a xylophone in for eccentricity’s sake or prog points, Igorrr show themselves to be masters of eccentricity and blending unlikely musical elements into something enjoyable. Their not-so-serious approach is something that speaks personally to me in a way that I can understand being off-putting, but damn how can anyone get worked up over this not in a positive way? Horns, 8-bit music, slappy bass, blast beats, wacky shrieking, somehow cohesively enjoyable, it’s astonishing. Also, this is the song with a chicken.

8. Mutoid Man – Bandages

The ballad that closes the album, “Bandages” is another surprise, kind of. I just didn’t expect a ballad at all from this band, nor for it to be so goddamn heart-wrenching. Good ol’ Chelsea Wolfe makes another great feature providing the vocal harmonies that help take the song to the upper echelons during the heavy choruses. This song is just so cathartic, every time, I cannot deny it a sing-along ever.

7. Septicflesh – Portrait of a Headless Man

Septicflesh have mastered the symphonic alchemy of death metal and this song, with a fucking violin section riff that’s impossible to not headbang to, is the pinnacle of their progress. Brutal and grandiose, the band’s symphonic approach is anything but cheesy and they sacrifice no deadliness of their metal to make room for it, rather welcoming in the sounds of strings and horns to season it.

6. Emmure – Smokey

I never thought I’d ever think this highly of Emmure but “Smokey” is a powerful, violent kickback from a band reinvigorated with new blood and new ideas. I almost picked “Flag of the Beast” for this spot, but Frankie sounds so fucking animalistic on this track, the guitars and drums synch with such pounding force, and it really sounds nothing like Emmure at the end of the day. It really is more of a somewhat djenty powerviolence song than anything else, almost like Code Orange even. The band really elevated their game on this song and they definitely turned a lot of heads back around to see what’s next, mine included.

5. Death from Above – Caught Up

The most anthemic chorus of the year definitely goes to Death from Above for “Caught Up”, I cannot stop listening to this song. There’s not much to say about the Muse-y hard rock and sort of metal edge across the song. It’s just catchy as all hell, and not in the annoying way.

4. Pallbearer – A Plea for Understanding

Definitely the most heartfelt catharsis of the year for me came out of this song. Finishing off Pallbearer’s Heartless, “A Plea for Understanding” opens up its soul from the very title and in a fashion unheard of before from the band, continues baring it more and more, with the ending declaring “these feelings are real, all I ask, won’t you please understand” in the most goosebump-inducing melody that can bring any sludge/stoner metal fan with anything resembling a heart to tears.

3. Full of Hell – At the Cauldron’s Bottom

“At the Cauldron’s Bottom” captures everything that makes Full of Hell incredible, plus more. With a vicious deathgrind intro full of blast beats and terrifying screaming, the song eventually gives way to a simple but apocalyptic riff over pummeling drums that close the song perfectly like the gates of heaven to the damned world as it engulfs in flames while the guitar fades to let the drums beat away all on their own. It’s a chilling and magnificent moment for Full of Hell and such a fucking incredible song.

2. Code Orange – Forever

Code Orange have had a hell of a year and “Forever” has been a big part of it, helping get them on the map early last year, deservedly so. The song blasts through violently from the start and only gets bloodier with each transition between sections. It’s a perfect mission statement for the fierce young band who made their own wave of hype with no bullshit and no shortcuts, just hard work. The song feels like being beaten with a tree branch, then a baseball bat, then a chainsaw on fire. Jami Morgan’s hardcore vocals are more visceral and more esophageally painful than most and his bandmates thrash with finesse, but also unbridled rage. Not a damn second of the song is dull.

1. Havok – F.P.C.

Like with “Intention to Deceive”, I’m so glad to hear Havok bringing the thrash attitude to current phenomena, “F.P.C.” being a resounding middle finger to the speech policing of political correctness. While it’s mostly people on the less far “left” end of political issues usually complaining about political correctness, Havok attack the weak ideology of the core motivation of toxic political correctness rather than resorting to MAGA-pandering (and I’m pretty sure the band don’t even lean that way politically either). Referring to it boldly as a social disease, seizing free speech, Havok hit at an important issue impeding social progress and being weaponized to silence opposition and do nothing but drive deeper the many wedges between political camps. Musically, too, the song is a political thrash masterclass that gives Dave Mustaine a run for his money.

[theliterateape]

Unpacking Branson: A Thanksgiving Improbability

By Don Hall

For Thanksgiving in 2012, I was single and Mom decided that I should come out to my step-sister's place in Branson, Missouri for a good old-fashioned country Thanksgiving. The carrot was family. The stick was Missouri.

In the late 1960s it was pretty much a tiny city in the Ozarks known for roadside stands peddling wares that proliferated the hillbilly stereotype. And, sure enough, there are still today roadside stands that exist only to continue to make fun of that stereotype. It's an odd thing to walk into a business in the middle of the Ozarks that sells you the stereotype it tries to escape from. Like buying a taxi cab medallion from an East Indian store or an "I'm a Wetback" t-shirt in a store that sells Mexican merchandise.

It is said you cannot judge a book by its cover.

This is true most of the time, but there are some things you can judge immediately by its cover and pretty much know what your getting.

An Ann Coulter book. Sean Hannity. A FOX News broadcast. Great America. Applebee's.

I assumed that Branson, Missouri would fall into this latter category. I was right and wrong. And the complexities made it a real trip to remember.

Branson is where the Beverly Hillbillies came from before moving to California.

A winding series of roads littered with signs and theaters and restaurants. Lots of bumper stickers that declare "I'd Rather Be Dead Than SOCIALIST" and random tributes to past GOP glory. In the three days we trucked around the city, I counted perhaps one hundred people of color the entire time—I didn't start the trip by calculating this but after a bit, it was hard to escape. Thousands of old white people with canes and wheelchairs abounded but that doesn't really look that much different than Navy Pier or the audience at Chicago Shakes—old white people like to be tourists and Branson is, after all, a haven of tourism.

My step-sister, Hannah, tells me that the crack business booms among the residents of Branson and there is evidence around if you're looking for it. The place is slightly schizophrenic in its place as a home to rednecks and hillbillies while trying desperately to distance itself from that by appealing to the tourist trade. There are places that stink of what one expects in Ozarks—a biker bar called the Hawg Trough that even my pro-GOP brother-in-law avoids and a Smoke Shop that doesn't sell cigarettes and has a pit bull guarding the door. But there are surprises that popped up during my three-day Thanksgiving vacation that defied my pre-judged expectations.

The surprises came in weird ways. When I arrived, we ate at a place called the Rowdy Beaver—a place with t-shirts that trumpeted "I Like Bald Beaver" and "That's A Mighty Nice Beaver" and had washboard walls. The thing that surprised was that the food was out of this world. It was delicious and well prepared and not at all what I expected. "Our chef prepares everything from fresh ingredients," trumpeted our waitress who seemed completely fine with her job at a place filled with such juvenile innuendo.

The Hollywood Wax Museum was fun but the wax figures left me a bit wanting—a frequent refrain of our visit was my niece saying "Who's that?" and me doing my best to figure it out. I tried to convince my family to go to Silver Dollar City so I could find and steal a urinal cake but it was $60 per person and even I couldn't argue that $300 was reasonable for me to complete a toilet cookie tale. We had tickets to a magic show billed as the World's Largest (by the way, every attraction in Branson is billed as "Show of the Year," "The Most Amazing in the World," and "Mindblowing") but the show was cancelled due to illness. Turns out Kirby VanBurch's greatest trick is to take your money and disappear.

Our replacement show for the afternoon was going to be either Jim Stafford (I desperately wanted to see this) or SIX (the nieces had heard it was awesome). Stafford only did an 8 p.m. show, so SIX at the Mickey Gilley Theater it was.

SIX is six middle-aged brothers who debuted on the Donnie and Marie Show and have fashioned themselves as sort of an older version of an a cappella boy band. As soon as they started with a cheeseball version of Don't Stop Believin', Hannah and I turned to each other with a look of pained resignation. These guys had pretty good voices and the arrangements were fine but the self-consciously hip pose and cornball attempts at cool banter was unbearable. I learned that wanting to see an awful Branson show and actually sitting through one are two different things. I also learned that I will never, as a middle-aged white guy, ever use the words "homie" or "peeps" ever again. To be fair, the second act was better—a selection of Christmas songs and a tribute to their dead mother. Apparently this tiny woman had ten children, all boys, and I suspect she isn't dead but just got the fuck out of there before having to bear an eleventh kid. But the damage of the first act left me scarred and a little terrified of that evening's show—Legends at the Dick Clark American Bandstand Theater.

Legends is a show that debuted in Vegas and moved to Branson. It is a rotating cast of celebrity impersonators ranging from Barry White, Marilynn Monroe and Tim McGraw to the staples of Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson. Our bill was George Strait, Whitney Houston, the Blues Brothers, Liberace and Elvis. As we entered and sat down, once again surrounded by octogenarians, I steeled myself. This was going to be fucking awful.

And it wasn't.

Really. In fact, it was a blast. The Whitney Houston knocked it out of the park, Liberace was funny but completely inappropriate in a callback to the dark days of The Gay Closet and the Elvis impersonator was so fucking good, if we had been sitting in the nose bleeds it would've been like actually seeing Elvis live. My mom, a huge Elvis fan from when he was alive, commented that he was the best Elvis impersonator she had ever seen. Hell, even my teenaged nieces enjoyed the show.

But we saved the best, most Branson-y show for Saturday. Yakov Smirnoff. Holy shit. I couldn't wait. I was absolutely certain it would embody everything I expected Branson to be—cheesy, cloying, the very portrait of a has-been celebrity stretching out his 15 minutes of fame as paper thin as he could in the heart of the Vegas of the Ozarks. We were greeted by a giant Yakov head making awful jokes about... the size of his head! Inside, it turned out that Yakov was a painter and had his paintings for sale!

The beginning of the show was the longest version of the national anthem I've ever heard (who know there were, like, nine verses?) and then I was hit with another fucking surprise. On the video screens came an old Paul Harvey "The Rest of the Story" about a painter known as Jacob who painted and commissioned a painting in tribute to the fallen at Ground Zero in NYC following the Attacks of 9/11.  Painted on the side of a building overlooking the rubble, it was the backdrop to the first anniversary of the attacks. The painter was an anonymous Yakov Smirnoff. He paid for the commission out of his own pocket.

Some of his show was what I expected: a revisitation of his "What a Country!" schtick from the '80s—a sketch of him as the president answering questions from the audience, and he actually quoted the Lee Greenwood God Bless the U.S.A. as a closer. But other parts were not at all what I anticipated. Turns out that Yakov went out and got a Master's Degree in psychology and decided that his show could also serve as a relationship counseling session as well. Sort of like Defending the Caveman meets a less arrogant Dr. Phill with the takeaway being that we begin relationships laughing and giving each other little gifts and that, if we simply return to giving each other gifts and finding laughter in our relationships, we'll be happier, healthier people.

Was it a great show? Not really. The dancers were cheesy and only there to fill time, the jokes were funny in a "Yeah, I remember that one" sort of way, the political stuff was tame (although at one point, Yakov asked the audience who was happy with the results of the latest election—a smattering of applause that included my mother and I enthusiastically cheering—and who was ticked off by it—a thundering, slightly ugly ovation—with the Russian comic commenting "Yeah, that's about even...") and the recurring pro-America stuff was hard to hear after a while. But the thing is... I liked him.

I mean, I really liked the guy. He was so overwhelmingly sincere and genuine. Christ, I wanted to hug him. And, while his show is corny and inoffensive and gentle and perfect for the Branson tourist crowd, this is a guy who lives in Branson, Missouri suggesting that people spend time laughing and loving one another instead of being shitbags.

Prejudice is a funny thing. Judging books by their covers is what we do as people. I imagine it's a hard drive instinct. But, as I am often heard saying, while we are all unique and precious snowflakes and each of us is completely distinct, we are all made of fucking snow. We all are simply people trying our best to get along in the world. Yes, that means that our baser, uglier instincts come to play like ordinary people rioting in a Walmart on Black Friday to get a discount on a portable DVD player. It also means that our better, more generous nature comes into play, and sometimes it's nice to be reminded that even in Red State Hell, Yakov Smirnoff is telling thousands of people every week to just be fucking nicer to each other.

On Thanksgiving, the point is to be with friends or family and celebrate those things in our lives we are (or should be) thankful for. Sure, the holiday is laden with cultural markers that include the genocide of the Native Americans and our national quest to bequeath every American with diabetes but the point is gratitude. Gratitude can come from a lot of places and I’m thankful to remember the lessons I learned in Branson.