#had like 100 not used at the end of january i was glad i could save up for once and guess what!! a fire happened lol!!!!

[chaotictomtom]

sudden profound sadness cos this will be yet another summer without being able to go swim or just get topless to survive the summer's heat because im still too broke to save enough for top surgery or save any money really

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for sleeping with a 20 year old?

tw: mentions of potential grooming, age gap relationships, nsft/nsfw, vague discussions of sex

So, me (38m) and my wife (39f) are in an open relationship. Basically, we’re both bisexual and not quite ready to limit our sex lives to one person yet. So, we decided to allow friends with benefits situations outside of our relationship. No romantic stuff, no dating, just sex.

In January, my wife went to stay at her best friend’s (28f) house and have some fun together. I don’t mind at all, I was kind of glad to have our apartment to myself for a week. Now, there’s this queer bar that me and my wife frequent and it’s a good mix of all age demographics and identities.

There’s this one trans guy, I’ll call him M, that most people in the local community know because he’s very attractive. He reminds me of a very short Eric Draven mixed with Eddie Vedder. (Oddly specific, I know) Like, he has long-ish curly brown hair, big brown eyes, the sweetest smile ever and he dresses very well. A little grunge here, a little rockstar there. Good jewelry. You get it.

I always catch people staring at him when he’s at the bar with his friends. (We live in Europe btw, legal drinking age is 18.) In short, I find him very cute. He’s basically a micro celebrity among the community and he doesn’t even know it.

So, while my wife was away I went down to the bar and his friend group invited me to come sit with them. We started talking, he’s super funny and we began talking about Pearl Jam because of the shirt I was wearing. Found out he’s obsessed with the music scene of the 90s, specifically rock and grunge, and I happen to have a collection of merchandise of the big 4. I invited him to come check it out and he eagerly accepted. None of his friends wanted to come, so it was just us two. Showed him the stuff, he got super excited about it and I even let him keep one of my Soundgarden shirts and some CDs.

I offered to cook dinner, we ate and then had some weed brownies for dessert. We got posted on the couch, talked for a good while and he began confiding in me. I’m not gonna go into detail because that’s shitty, but he basically told me he’d never had a positive sexual experience up to that point. Apparently all of his exes were switches leaning submissive and he’s purely submissive, so things never really worked out and he never finished with any of them.

I told him about me and my wife’s arrangements and some other stuff about our sex life. (Don’t worry, my wife is 100% okay with this. Even in this context.)

Here’s where I might be the asshole, if not the creep:

Now, I was pretty high at that point and I joked about how I could give him a positive experience. To my surprise, he actually eagerly accepted. I was a bit hesitant because we were both buzzed, but he kept reiterating that he’s consenting and that he’s sure he wants this. So, I made sure he had a good night and he actually ended up sleeping over and we cuddled. It was super nice and he seemed genuinely ecstatic about it the next morning, it was adorable. I was honestly just happy that I was able to give him a positive sexual encounter.

We exchanged numbers, kept texting for two days and he ended up coming over again. Had some more fun together and he went to go sleep over at a friend’s place. At that point, I sort of realized that I may be catching feelings for him. Which is against me and my wife’s rules and also just a horrible idea, especially considering the age gap. So, I let him know that I need some distance and he was super understanding. He was understandably a bit disappointed but didn’t complain or anything.

Once my wife came back, I told her about everything. This is just a thing we do because it helps avoid speculation and unnecessary jealousy. We always tell each other about what happens with our other sexual partners, but only if they consent to it. Which most of them do because they’re our friends. She seemed a bit unnerved by it, not because of the fact that I had feelings for him, but because of the age difference. She said it’s weird and predatory and told me she needed some time to think.

Apparently, she went to go check in on M and asked him if I pressured him into anything. He said it was a 100% mutual thing and he’s very much into older guys, so he enjoyed it quite a lot.

This put her mind at ease but I’m still quite shaken by it. I never stopped to consider the fact that the age difference is quite concerning. I can’t help but feel like a nasty creep that bribed some poor 20 year with old band shirts to come sleep with him. I don’t like that I didn’t even think about it. Talking with M came so easy and we share a lot of interests. I’m not about to go and say he’s 'mature for his age' because he isn’t, he acts like any other 20 year old.

I was just so focused on how attractive and interesting he is to me, I fear I might’ve acted extremely selfish and should’ve stopped to take his lack of experience and his naivety into account. Of course he’d sleep with me, he’s 20 and doesn’t know any better. It should’ve been my job, as the older adult, to put a stop to it. Please don’t hesitate to give it to me straight.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[tokiro07]

Undead Unluck ch.191 thoughts

[FOUR YEARS AND AN ANIME!!!]

(Contents: Celebration, predictions)

WE DID IT, EVERYONE!!! As of this week's chapter, Undead Unluck has officially been running for four whole years!!!

I don't recall, though, did UU take an extra week off at some point? It should be at 192...Ah well, it's not super important! We've officially hit the goal I've been asking for since day one, and I'm over the moon about it! The hashtag is no longer a wish for the future, but a celebration of success!

At the time, I did expect that it would end around now rather than merely approaching the final phase, but hell, I'm not complaining! I don't know if I necessarily want UU to hit the eight-year mark, it might start to feel like it's dragging by that point, but I also can't really imagine it doing that anyway

If we assume that we have five arcs left before Ragnarok (Top, Tatiana, Kururu, Backs, Ruin) and we generously assume that each is 10 chapters (only Rip and Latla's arc has lasted more than 10 since the loop), we should have at most another year until the final battle, though it likely won't even take that long since most of these recruitment arcs are more like 3-5 chapters per recruit. From there, the previous Ragnarok arc was about 40 chapters, so we'll overestimate again that the next one will last a full year

In other words, depending on how much Tozuka decides to take his time, I think we should be seeing UU running until June 2025 or January 2026! It's a bit sad to see the writing on the wall like that, but as far as I'm concerned, we're playing with house money right now! I'm glad that my favorite series turned out to be such a hit, and that it should get to resolve itself as it pleases! So few series get to go out on their own terms, I can't be upset when one of my favorites becomes one of the lucky ones!

Onto the chapter itself, this was such a cool fight! Andy holding off all ten of the Superior Rules by himself for three minutes is such a badass display of how far he's come, and shows us some cool ways he can use his soul techniques! We've heard of him using his soul to move his body before, using it to overcome Nico's copy of Unmove, but seeing him actively replacing his lost body parts with his soul?? Now that's sick!

100-Twist Vortex Bullet, Soul Vulcan, Soul Road...it's all derived from what we've seen, but all on a whole new level! Even the soul chains are taken straight from his fight with Ghost. It's like a perfect showcase of how far Andy's come in the last four years of serialization!

BUT! For how strong he is now, for how much stronger he apparently is than the rest of the team, he was only able to hold off the Superior Rules for three minutes. In other words, while you might think he's become an invincible one-man army that could do everything on his own, you would be absolutely wrong!!! He had to let the two weakest Superiors go to temporarily match #1 (who we can reasonably assume is UMA Soul), so while we can assume he'd be capable of facing Soul one-on-one, we also have to assume that Andy is still nowhere near Sun's level. It took everyone together to hold off Sun for 11 minutes, including Rebellion!Victor, and at least half of them died in the process. Andy, as he is now, could only hold off all ten Superiors for three; if he'd had to hold on for 11, they probably would have all escaped, and since we can assume that all ten together don't measure up to SUN, we can conclude that Andy is not so strong that he could solo Sun

Andy will be a tremendous asset to the final battle, but he will not be the single deciding factor. To beat Sun, it won't be enough to simply have everyone together, everyone will need to raise their level to be capable of at least soloing a Superior Rule like Andy did to Sick. In other words, Andy's display of power here isn't merely a way to tell us how strong Andy is now, but telegraphing how strong EVERYONE is going to be by the end!!! Even if they never quite make it to Andy's level, we can expect that our team is going to be absolutely made of monsters, and I! Can't! Wait!!!

Until next time, let's enjoy life!

[sharksa-shivers]

Snowy Swinging Friendos (story below)

It was a snowy August morning as they both walked together. And Kristy had to admit; she was still very much not used to this weather at this time of year. Then again, she still kindaaaa wasn't 100% used to being in Shellside yet either. She'd only been here a few months, those months feeling like years and years. Sure, she had gotten more used to things, having been here in Shellside since the end of January but even then, it still wasn't something she could just...Brush aside, the entire being kidnapped thing. And even moreso, she also wasn't used to having to travel around Shellside Island to do missions and having to demon fight and literally learn how to save the world. Kristy really just constantly felt like the entire world was on her shoulders and it was something that still would suffocate her in anxiety if she dwelled on it too long or too hard. Easier said then done though. Especially considering now that she WAS thinking on it, she felt her entire body flood with dread, anxiety filling her chest.

"Eyo, you aite there Kris Kris or...?" Kristy looked over to see Max giving her an odd look, his sky blue eyes studying her closely. Kristy looked at him a moment before awkwardly looking down at her feet as she walked, grabbing her arm anxiously. "Yeah, i uh......I'm fine..." The floppy earred blue shoodle snickered some, that classic sharptoothed grin pointed at her. "You say that but your face and voice very much say otherwise heheheh. You maybe wanna come clean and really tell me what's up?" Kristy internally facepalmed, of course Max of all people wasn't gonna let that go so easily. Max was a master at both reading other people’s emotions and hiding his own to a degree. Kristy honestly knew she should have known that by this point and yet...

Kristy contemplated sharing some of her anxious feelings with her teammate but also wondered if it would be better to just tell Max upfront that she didn't want to discuss any of this with him at the moment. On one hand, she'd just be repeating the same old same old stuff again but on the other, she knew Max would understand if she didn't want to discuss it and...Quite frankly, she kind of didn't want to. She knew these anxious feelings weren't gonna go away anytime soon anyway, she knew it was a thing she'd have to get used to. Maybe if she just let those thoughts be, they'd turn more numb over time and not bother her so much.

Kristy thought for a moment before giving her answer to Max. "It's just anxiety again, i...Don't really wanna talk about it." She looked over to see Max just shrug, his hands in his hoodie pockets, smirking still. "Alrightyyyy then...Don't say i didn't offer ya an outlet then. And uhhhh, if you change your mind, you know i'm here for ya friendo." Kristy let out a small breath, that breath being visible in the cold. She was glad Max let it go so easy. She knew it'd be better if she dealt with it on her own with time.

Currently, her and Max were walking through the streets of Greyston, a city they were stopping the night at on their route to a different city on Shellside for a mission. Since they were at a stop and therefore were just passing through, they kinda had a bit of a free day to just do whatever. Max and Kristy had decided to take a look around the area whilst their other teammate, Sharky, had decided to lounge and rest some in their hotel room until Max and Kristy returned. Sharky had been driving quite a bit lately, Kristy definitely thought he deserved some nice alone relaxing time and along with Max encouraging him to self care, Sharky couldn't really refuse or say no.

Thus it was just Kristy and Max together for a bit which was fine by her. They hadn't really done too much other then go by a few electronic and game stores, Kristy had gone into a bookstore to see if there was any manga she'd be interested in, Max had insisted on getting a coffee he quickly polished off. It was kinda boring but it was kinda nice also. It beat Kristy's stress of the upcoming mission away somewhat, at least. Now at the moment, she and Max were just wandering, taking a scenic route back to their hotel room. And while she was enjoying it and they had moved on from the topic, Kristy's anxiety still continued to eat away at her.                                                    ~~~~~~~

And Max very much could tell. He wasn't about to just drag Kristy's emotions out of her. He hated when other people would do that to him and he wasn't going to dare do it to his bestie. But at the same time, Max knew Kristy still was very bothered with life at the moment. Which wasn't new. Kristy'd been an anxious wreck since day 1 when they first met. It kinda made Max wonder if the shitty kidnapping stunt Orange Hair pulled on Kristy singlehandedly gave her the anxiety orrrrr if Kristy had anxiety before and OH's crap just made it that much worse. It kinda didn't matter either way though he figured. Kristy had so much going on it honestly wasn't surprising at all that she was so anxious constantly but that didn't mean Max had to like that. He hated seeing his friends being in ruts like that. With his depression, Max definitely knew the sheer torture of your brain being against you like that.

The cold wind blew through his midnight blue fur, his punk-ish boots crunching in the snow as they both continued walking, Kristy anxious and obviously not too happy while Max was deep in thought, trying to think of something maybe they could do to get her mind off of her troubles. From dealing with this on and off again, Max knew distractions were honestly a pretty good way to keep your mind more at ease from the world's chaos. It wasn't a cure but it definitely helped keep you from self destruction, kept your mind clearer.

Max pondered if there were any stores around maybe they could go into for a bit as a distraction. Maybe they could get some food? Food always was a great idea. Max more then anybody knew that it was pretty hard to be down with a full stomach, despite him being constantly hungry and never seeming to be satisfied for some reason but hey! Food was food and it helped alot with his depression so who was he to complain? Max kept thinking. There had to be something around that'd make for a good distraction to help his comrade out.

And that's when Max looked up and saw it. Bingo. Looking up ahead, Max noticed an empty playground, devoid of anybody and coated in snow. And he knew he could use this as a jumpoff point to get Kristy to relax more. This was exactly the kinda thing he was hoping for. And he also knew exactly how to get Kristy to get onboard also. With a very quick smirk, Max elbowed Kristy and got her attention. "Hey, i bet i could get over to those swings before you could!"

And of course, Kristy being the competitive spirit she was, took it hook, line and sinker, smirking back at Max and chasing after him. "Not if i get there first!!!"

                                                   ~~~~~~~

Kristy ran after Max as fast as she could but Max was still faster. Part because he had a headstart but also because Max did have being a dog on his side. Out of The Trio, Kristy was the slowest due to her being human but she never let that stop her. She had tricks up her sleeves and she knew how to use em. Like her teleportation skills, which speaking of...

Kristy's leaf amulet lit up in a bright green hue as she proceeded to teleport, getting there a few steps before Max did as she materialized back into existence in front of him. "Hey, no fair!! I ain't got no magic to use Kris!!" Kristy just smirked and scooped some of the snow off the swing chair, throwing it directly at Max who was laughing until the snow hit him in the chest. "You snooze, you lose!! Skill issue!!" Max let out a huff, glaring playfully at her as he brushed some of the snow off his chest and jacket. "Yeah yeah, whatever i guess. Enjoy that win, not gonna let you win so easy next time..."

Kristy sat down on her swing as Max approached the other swing, Kristy not noticing Max grabbing the snow off his swing as she spoke. "The only way you'd ever win Max is if i let YOU win yknow? I do still have magic on my si- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN?? COLD, COLD!!!" Kristy was taken very off guard by Max moving her jacket and shirt and proceeding to drop snow down the back of her shirt, Max letting out a big laugh as he then slinkered back to his swing. "There we go, now we're even!! That was for chunking snow at me hehehehe!!"

Kristy glared at Max for a moment, thinking about throwing more snow at him but instead she just groaned after a second, annoyed but faltering. "You're lucky i just wanna sit now...Been up all day walking around..." Max started swinging, snickering some as he began to get higher as he looked over at Kristy. "Yeah, walking around and looking at cool stuff all day hehehe...Tis a pretty nice change of pace in my opinion." Kristy crossed her arms, scoffing a bit, her tone somewhat amused. "Beats having to do the mission honestly..."

Kristy immediately stopped, her face falling. She HADDDDD to bring it up again, didn't she? She immediately felt a sense of dread flood throughout her body. The anxiety gave her a sense of cold that the snow never could. She figured she must have been very obvious with her mood shift because Max quickly picked up on it, kicking his feet into the snow below him to stop, a very concerned look on his face. "Hey, you alright or...?"

Kristy sighed, squeezing her arm tightly, her nervous habit. Kristy knew she'd probably be better off just telling Max now instead of just continuing to repeat her 'It's fine' shtick. So she decided to try and muster up some form of an explanation for her friend. "It's just...I'm really anxious about the mission. I know it's like super routine at this point but to an extent it still isn't for me. I just...I'm not used to this stuff still and i'm worried i never will be...I know it's our job but at the same time, this isn't a job or position i asked for and just...UGHHHH, my brain is a clustered cluttered up mess, i'm feeling so much stuff at once and i just...I don't know what to do really i guess..."

                                                   ~~~~~~~

"I'm really sorry Kris...I guess i can't really imagine what you're going through with that exactly..." Max found himself saying after a moment. Kristy kind of slumped down a bit more, an annoyed look on her face as Max continued, a bit unknowingly on his part of Kristy's feelings. "Like for me, being a demon fighter is something that i've always wanted to do. Like i didn't really want the 'save the entire world' part thrown in there with it but like...I mean, i'll take it haha!!" Max finally looked back over at Kristy, realizing he sortaaaa wasn't helping. "I just...I dunno. I guess it's a disconnect me and you have. My point is, i guess i can't put myself in that mindset of not wanting the job but uhhhhhh, then again, i don't really think there's alot of people that...Can relate to all the stuff you've gone through heh..."

Kristy was not very enthusiastic about Max's rambles, her face kind of said it all and Max mentally slapped himself while on the outside he just had a very forced, nervousy smirk on his face. "Yeahhhhhh that's kind of part of the problem. Glad you were able to piece that out..." She looked away and Max immediately felt bad. That was not his intention like at all. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, looking over at Kristy and speaking again after a moment. "I'm sorry Kris...I guess i made stuff worse huh?"

Kristy let out a breath, responding back to him after another moment. "No, not exactly. I know you're just trying to help. I think my problem is just the fear of not getting used to things ever...Like all of this is just...So much still and i just...I don't know if i am ever gonna get used to it. And if i don't ever get used to it, how the hell am i supposed to save the world? How am i supposed to get us as a team to the point where we can save the world? It's so...Much..." Max listened to Kristy, staring as she spoke and he slowly changed his expression some, his expression getting softer, obviously thinking a bit himself. "........I actually do kinda know THAT feeling...That you're never gonna get used to certain stuff..."

Kristy paused, seemingly not expecting Max to say anything like that. She looked over at him, seeing the neutral-ish but serious softened look on his face. "Wait, really?" She questioned. Max nodded. Max normally tried not to talk about some of this sort of stuff. Alot of his earlier years in life had been pretty damn heavy and Max internally had enough issues dealing with it himself...So bringing his friends into those horrors wasn't something he enjoyed doing by any means...But he figured if it'd help Kristy's nerves some, he could deal with it. He was a strong guy, the streets had made him strong. He had to be to get by and to survive...Max took a breath and begun to speak more, explaining himself a bit.

"Yeah, actually...That uhhhhh...Kinda was me whenever i got to The Campsite at first. I'd been so used to being on the streets and adjusting to living in a house, having everything i need at an easy reach, being able to actually take better care of myself and not have to fight for everything...Well uh, that defs took a bit of trust and learning and reassurance and a wholeeeee spectrum of stuff altogether but i did get there eventually...And as hard as it was, i'm really glad i did get there in the end...Sorta, i still have certain issues heh...Yknow what i'm talking about..."

                                                   ~~~~~~~

Kristy hung on Max's words as he confined in her. Max usually was much more lighthearted and derpy so whenever he did dip more into these sorts of deep topics, Kristy always did her best to be respectful and to hear him out. As much of a derpass as he could be sometimes, Max was a person too and Max had been through his fair share of crap. He knew his shit a good bit of the time. The least Kristy could do was listen and take that trust and keep it close to her chest. She never wanted Max to feel unsafe sharing those sorts of things with her.

Whenever Max had finished speaking, the cold air was quite around them both for a moment. Kristy had her hands clasped in her lap, her fingers intertwined. She found the right words after a moment. ".........I see...I didn't know about all that......I can defs imagine that being pretty hard..." Max smirked lightly after a second, trying to be lighthearted and seemingly happy he found an angle to maybe help his friendo from.

Max kicked his feet in the snow some, his hands grabbing on the swings plastic ropes, moving very subtlety back and forth. Shrugging some, he spoke again. "Yeah, that's an understatement heh. Stuff was BEYONDDDD hard for me when i was a kid..." Max paused for a minute before looking over at Kristy, his tone very genuine and somewhat more lighthearted. "Actually...When i was a kid on the streets still, playgrounds were kinda like...Just the one place i could go to for a bit and just for a few moments, i could feel normal and just be a kid. It was kinda nice...Heh, i guess that's probably part of what made me think going over here'd make you feel better-ish. Old instincts never fully go away i guess..."

Kristy felt herself snicker a smidge at that. Her experience was veryyyyy different..."When i was a kid, i was pretty much...Like completely opposite of that. Whenever i was in school and recess came around, i'd always take books out and read on the playground instead of playing anything. At a point, the teachers got really pissy with me because i'd do that and they'd take up some of my books to try and get me to be 'social' and whatever...so i'd sneak books out and find a hideaway spot or two so i could read still. Reading used to be my sorta special interest so they couldn't stop me from doing it that easy! That and uhhhh the kids were assholes alot of the time. Every time i ever did try and join in, i'd usually get some form of crap for it. Just always have been that weird autistic kid so uhhhh yeah uh, i guess i can't relate to that specifically...But i'm glad it was that happy place for you dude."

Kristy felt a hand on her shoulder and looked over to see Max looking her in the eyes, smirking and determined. "Welp, never too late to rewrite old memories with newer better ones...Like the ones we're making here where you're with a comrade who's 'ride or die' with ya haha!" Kristy felt a large weight seemingly fall off her shoulders some whenever Max said that...And she couldn't help but smile back some genuinely. "It sucks ass i'm in this whole situation but at least i got some amazing friends by my side to help me. It helps to know i'm not in this alone and the people I'm with actually care about me..."

Max spoke cheerfully as Kristy suddenly felt a buzz from her phone in her pocket and she proceeded to get it out and check her texts as Max went on. "Hell yeah!!! That's the spirit!!! We gotcho back all the way Kris Kris, never forget it haha!!!" Kristy stood up from her swing and turned to Max, reading the text. "Speaking of never being alone, we probably should get going back to the hotel room. Sharky's wondering where we're at and we do have to do a bit of planning for tomorrow still."

Max stood up also, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets, rolling his eyes some amused. "Yeah yeah, don't remind me...But fair honestly. I'm kinda tired of being cold so going back to the hotel sounds pretty damn good right now. I wanna keep relaxing but i wanna relax in bed if ya get me." Kristy shoved him some with her shoulder, walking beside Max as they started leaving. "You slept like foreverrrr earlier, you're fine for a bit ya derp!!" Max just smirked back amused still. "Kris, you underestimate the hell outta me, yknow that? Ya really do!! I could sleep so much longer, you have no clue!!! Ooooooo, speaking of, i think ima defs get some chow before we go back up to the room. And alottttt of it too, neither you or Sharky are gonna stop me!! And i also-"

Kristy let Max keep rambling as she started zoning out a bit. Looking over and seeing Max's energy and knowing their other teammate was back waiting for em and was wondering about em made her feel really nice for a change...Sure, this wasn't exactly what she had ever planned in any single sense, this entire life she had now...But Kristy knew it was necessary and she knew she'd get better with stuff as time did continue on hopefully. If Max could build himself a new life from the ground up for better, then surely she could too...And with both Sharky and Max on her side for all of it, the anxiety felt less strong. The mission tomorrow might suck, it might go flying off the rails real bad in fact...But if she had her new best friends by her side, then she felt much more confident and comfortable. And that was more then good enough for her... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote this story and drew this pic a while ago but i still quite like it all sooooooooooooooooooooooo here lol, you may have it again and on here as well :3

[hopenobodyeverfindsthis]

My Top Ten Books of 2022

I read more than 100 books last year, and I thought it would be a useful exercise to list my top 10 favorites that I read for the first time if only so I can reflect a little and gush about my passion for books.  This is in the order I read the books; most of these books are so different it would be really hard to put in any real order (warning: it’s an eclectic list):

1. She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker Chan: This was the first book I read in January of last year.  It’s set in the 1300s in China; I remember it being advertised as similar to Mulan, which doesn’t really do the story justice, other than that the main character is born a girl, but lives as a man and becomes a military general. It was so much more than a Mulan adaptation; and it is quite dark. In particular, I loved the dynamic between the two main characters: they are on different sides of the war, but two sides of the same coin; they both don’t quite fit into society’s expectations of gender.  

2. Transcendent Kingdom by Yaa Gyasi:  Gyasi is probably my favorite author I discovered this year; both Transcendent Kingdom and her other novel, Homegoing, are absolutely amazing and I cannot recommend either enough.  Transcendent Kingdom is about a neuroscientist who is also the child of African immigrants who is studying the science of addiction.  The story reflects on how her family has been impacted by addiction and the immigrant experience.  The prose is absolutely beautiful and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this story since I finished it.

3. Parable of the Sower by Octavia Butler: I cannot believe I waited until last year to read Butler; her writing is as impressive as I’m sure you’ve already heard.  There’s not much I can say about Parable of the Sower that hasn’t been said a million times (all deserved), but I will say that I usually hate dystopias, even vaunted ones such as 1984 and a Brave New World. I read Parable of Sower fully expecting to hate it as well, and left simply blown away (and somehow even oddly optimistic about the future of humanity.)

4. The Night Watchman by Louise Erdrich: This is the third book I’ve read of Erdrich’s and my favorite, though I’ve loved everything she’s written.  This story is based on the real life story of the author’s grandfather.  The story involves several characters living in reservation in North Dakota and their fight to lobby for their rights land and their identity.

5. Heated Rivalry by Rachel Reid:  Look, I’m not going to try to justify this; I just love hockey and I love rivals to lovers and I love hockey romances and this one is the creme de le creme; it was written specifically for me.

 6. The Locked Tomb Series by Tasmyn Muir: I read several fantasy series last year, and I liked plenty of them, but the Locked Tomb is the one I can’t stop thinking about.  The characters are all super weird and unhinged and awful and I adore them all.  Their relationship dynamics are problematic and toxic and ridiculous and juicy.  I cannot succinctly describe the plot in any way that would make sense. I cannot wait for the final book.

7. Young Mungo by Douglass Stewart: This book gutted me; I rarely cry while reading books and I had to put this down so I could lie in a ball.  It’s a coming of age novel about a young queer boy coming to terms with his identity in set in Glasgow in I think the 1990s.  If you choose to read this book, please look up the content warnings, it is not in any way an easy read, but it did have a surprisingly hopeful ending, even if I was crying.

8. The Falling in Love Montage by Ciara Smyth: This is another surprising addition to the list; I am no longer really the target audience for YA, and I had pretty much sworn off YA romance after disliking a few others. But, I decided to pick this up on a whim and I’m so glad I did.  It is a very sweet wlw romance and coming of age story, but what really stuck out to me was the main character’s struggles with her mother’s early onset Alzheimer’s and how that affects her life.  I read plenty of very good wlw romance (Deliliah Green Doesn’t Care and a Restless Truth are two more I’d highly recommend) but this one stood out.

9. The Narrative of the Life of Frederic Douglass, American Slave by Frederic Douglass: I have read a good number of historical fiction novels which show the horrors of slavery, but while many of those are very very good, I didn’t really realize the extent to which none can really compare to reading a first hand account of the experience until reading Douglass’s work.  Like everyone, I learned about Frederic Douglass’s life, but sadly was never required to read anything he wrote in school.  He is an amazing writer and storyteller and a truly remarkable person.  Everyone should read this book at least once.

10. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley: I had read part of this book in high school, but never actually sat down and read the whole thing.  I’m not usually a fan of horror, and I was worried it wouldn’t be my thing.  However, I shouldn’t have put this off so long.  Mary Shelley truly is the mother of science fiction and Frankenstein is an unforgettable experience. 

[khaleesiofalicante]

Me: time to do important applications

My brain: or……… You can go on Tumblr.

While I’m here, how about some life updates:

I have a few job interviews coming up, and no matter how many times I do these, nerves are so fucking real.

Also, whoever developed the idea that my best friend and I had to go to meetings that last from 12 to 3 with like really short breaks, and then there was one that lasted from 12 to 6, in order for us to keep our college scholarships because fucking capitalism should burn. i’m just happy she’s there, because we text each other and gossip about the really annoying people at the meeting. Like that one girl that keeps interrupting me.

I went on a date like two weeks ago with a real life girl. Crazy I know, my love life has been nonexistent for months. And crazily enough, after the date, she still wanted to speak to me. She’s really sweet though, and we may or may not have stayed up a few times till 4 AM just talking and no matter what happens, it has 100% been really nice to get to know her. My friends seem to like her though so that’s a plus. We are absolute dorks with each other and it’s just a vibe.

My vacation was also very nice. We stayed at this little condo by the beach because my friends uncle has money. And it was lovely, it had a nice balcony where you could hear the ocean below. Plus I just got to sit around and do nothing but gossip with my friend and watch random YouTube videos with her. Plus gossip with her mom who is one of the funniest women I’ve ever met in my life.

I’m also trying to get back into reading which has been nice. I’m trying to get through this book of short stories about various meet cutes.

I think that’s about all the stuff going on in my life. Have you been surviving the difficult January? Did those people end up crossing those boundaries that you set continuously? if the answer is yes, drop their location, I will have to “take care of some… Business.“ Preferably with the use of sharp objects.

Song rec: this used to be one of my favorite songs when I was younger. https://music.apple.com/us/album/hoja-en-blanco/27064339?i=27064315

OKAY WAIT BUT THIS IS A LOT TO PROCESS GIMME A SECOND OMG.

Interviews are the fucking worst. I hate them too. But also as someone who conducts interviews, remember being confident is literally the most important part. And you are a confident badass bitch. You got this.

Also adulthood is literally attending super long mandatory meetings that shouldn't exist. Welcome to the hellhole :)

ALSO WHAT IS THIS ABOUT A DATE. Also screaming at you saying "real life girl" and clarifying it lmao so valid. People you can easily talk to, feel comfortable around, and make you laugh are the best kind of people. I like her already.

I'm so so so glad you got to go on vacay. I wish we can eternally be on vacay and not work smh. I haven't read anything yet. I'm hoping to read at least a couple of books a month so send me your motivation I need it!

January has been okay. I just keep focusing on my tasks and getting them done as usual. But I'm kinda tired and it's ridiculous because it's like only mid January???? As for the people who kept crossing boundaries and overworking me, I'm actually quitting. My contracts (yes i have three contracts with them that's how much work i do for this one fucking client) end in March and I'm gonna ask them not to renew them because I'm so tired of their bullshit. I might keep one of them because I genuinely enjoy that project but let's see if they let me keep it hehe.

And the song rec was a vibe. Here is a song i listened to a lot as a kid and I still do. It's an Arabic song and just an absolute bop.

[ocean-anchored]

November 23, 23... continued

Saturday evening I went to Grape Fest with Sasha which was also really fun. It was super busy but we had a good time & some good laughs, I enjoy her company a lot, she's a good one. Sunday I went to a new church. I was a bit nervous but I'm glad I went. A girl my age sat beside me & we ended up talking afterwards, I asked if she needed prayer & we exchanged prayer requests & numbers. Later I met up with Daniel at Courtyard for a beer & then we went for nearly a 2 hour walk. It was pretty nice, he's really genuine & intentional. We had really great conversation about life & ended up getting pretty vulnerable. He's a good guy & I'm glad to have him as a friend. Monday I ended up going to Okotoks because Ed canceled our meetings. I told Danny I forgave him which was nice, we hugged it out & its in the past. This guy Braeden works there, I know he's just a young kid but damn he's nice to look at. I went to Anneriekes for late birthday dinner & visit with J. It was good but always all about Steve. It was nice to hear the update at least but man, it's like you try to keep her at arms length but after that night she's texted me like 5 times, sent me a bunch of stuff on IG it's just a lot. I feel bad but I just got to watch myself & my time. Tuesday night I went for sushi with Kamber - finally met up with her since like 3 months ago. I really love that girl too, she's so sweet & we always have such a great time. I'm really glad to have met her & our friendiversary is coming up too in January so I need to find that out. Yesterday I essentially got off for the week since it's US thanksgiving. I had a meeting & cleaned the house etc. Zack started texting me a bunch again. I really did plan to never talk to him again, but I was worried about him again... we ended up talking, went to nose hill & just had a brief talk. I could see it in his eyes. I understand his pain. I understand how much he doesn't want to live like this. It really saddens me. I stood my ground though & my boundary was clear. He knows if he does something again that I'm blocking his number 100% & he will never hear from me again. I think he gets it but who knows. I wonder why I do this. He's my kryptonite. He's that one person that could treat me horribly & I will always come back because I fell so hard. I find him so attractive that I can't not look at him. I hate it. I hate what he does to me, how he makes me feel. But I will keep my stance & I will protect myself. I deserve more & i deserve better, I know. Then Shane came over & we played some switch games. It was nice, chill. He bought me a vegas knights toque & signed Marchessau jersey. I was beside myself.. He does too much. He's too kind. I feel like I trust him but I don't want to hurt him & I know I'm in no place to be seeing anyone anyways, nor do I even want to. He's a good friend though, really does respect my boundaries which I appreciate. Anyways - that's all for now. Im heading out for dinner at the Keg and have a massage tomorrow morning. I'm becoming happier. I'm reading more, including an audio book. I'm spending more time on myself & my self care. Spending more time with nova going out, eating cleaner & have been exercising & working out a lot more, been essentially every day for just over a week now so I'm feeling pretty good again.

[purplesurveys]

1700

When was the last time you got more then eight hours of sleep? I think Friday? I actually fell asleep relatively early, around midnight; and ended up sleeping in, too. I think I had gotten up only by 10 AM.

Do you find that people don't really understand you? Maybe as an angsty teenager, but I don’t feel like this these days. It’s probably also a matter of finding the people who do understand me. Is there anyone in your life that you wish you were closer to? Now that I know Trina is leaving for Canada for good, I really want to get even closer to her in the three months she has left in the country. I’m glad that we got close at all, especially after getting promoted. She used to just be this high-ranking workmate who I thought was untouchable.

Would you say you are a gullible person? Very. I am everyone’s favorite for jokes and light pranks.

Are you one to swear often? I do tend to swear a lot, yeah.

Have you ever sat down and played video games all day? Only when I was younger and got obsessed with playing Sims 2. I no longer play video games but am very much capable of being on my phone all day and just go from one app to another.

What is one thing in your life that is no longer there, that you miss? Kimi.

What do you believe is the best thing about being a kid? Hard to tell when you’ve had a rougher childhood compared to everyone else. Idk...being doted on, I guess? I lacked attention in my own home.

What flavor Dum-Dum is your favorite? I have no clue what that is.

What is the last book you read/are reading? Did you/are you enjoying it? That would probably be Around the World in Eighty Days; it’s a good read, but I’ve just never had the time to continue it. I haven’t resumed reading since January.

Are you on a laptop or a desktop right now? Laptop; I have never owned a desktop.

If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go; why? I’m feeling significantly attached to Bangkok right now because it has been exactly three weeks since we saw Yoongi. Our trip overall was quite short – only four days total – so it only makes the feeling of ‘missing’ Bangkok a lot more intense. I miss the place, I miss their great public transport, I miss the nightlife, but I will say that I do not miss the weather. Remembering how humid it is over there still makes me squirm lol

Have you ever trusted someone you wish you wouldn't have? Yeah.

Have you ever been on a picnic? I’ve never been. I wish we had picnic-friendly places so I can actually experience a picnic. When I was at KL and was repeatedly going to their park, I felt really envious of the families who were there with picnic mats out and eating. I could only wish they recognize what they have.

Which is better tea or coffee? Coffee; I never liked tea.

Do you own an umbrella? Yeah, I keep it in the car.

Do you like the ocean? Sure.

Is there anyone that you wish you were with right now? No, I’m okay being on my own for the most part.

Who was the last person you hung out with? Bea, Ysa, Trina, and several members of a co-agency that we regularly work with for PR events..

What animal cracker is your favorite? I haven’t had those since I was, like, 5.

Is there anything you're currently holding back? Yeahhhhhh I wish I could just tell the team not to promote me, honestly; at least not yet. I don’t want to leave the company, but please give me like 1-2 years before stepping up to the next position. It sounds very bitchy and ungrateful to say on paper, but I’ve been promoted every single year I’ve been in the company and it always comes with a wave of fear and pressure every time. I wish I had longer periods of incubation(??? lol) before getting asked to step up to the next level.

Do you like your smile? Sure!

Have you ever watched something on the TV that truly disturbed you? Mostly commercials or when networks sign off for the night and do their ominous creepy jingles before transitioning to that TV rainbow screen thing.

Are you scared of needles? Yes. I am 100% not the poster child for vaccines and tattoos.

Is your current cell phone out of date? Not at all. I know tech companies churn out new products at 34788394x speed and in their terms an iPhone 13 can be considered old-ish, but all things considered a 1 year old phone isn’t bad at all. I’m not in a rush to get a new one as mine still works just fine.

Have you ever drank milk when it was spoiled? Ugh, yeah. I remember an instance when I was around 5-6, I drank some Milo that turned out to be spoiled and immediately ran to the sink to frantically spit it out because it tasted horrific. Ever since then I’ve had a fear of drinking milk.

Would you/have you ever bought a gym membership? I’ve thought about it before; didn’t push through with it. These days, I wouldn’t think of getting one.

Have you ever bought anything on the TV? Nopes.

Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong? Sure.

Do you know what all the keys on your keyboard do? Not all. I still don’t know what the ‘fn’ key does and I’ve never tried using it for anything.

What is the last channel you were on, when watching TV? I’ve never watched TV for the channels in agesssssssss. We cut out cable starting 2020, too.

What is your favorite restaurant? Closest to being my favorite is probably Mendokoro Ramenba but in general I don’t think I have found my favorite restaurant yet.

What is the last thing you spent money on? Just prepaid load, lol. I’m on major budgeting mode as I think my family is planning a trip to Incheon – something I’m largely against because unsurprisingly my mom never consulted with us and each of us is suddenly in charge of chipping in for something – and I need to make sure my track record as far as money looks acceptable for the visa application.

Do you know of anyone who hates you? I don’t think so.

Lose your arm or your leg; Which do you choose? I don’t like this question at all, but for the sake of answering this I’d pick the leg.

Has an animal ever bit you? Like, a genuinely angry bite? Yes, from Cooper. I feel like after getting those six shots in one day I can surpass anything.

Have you ever tripped over your own feet? Sure.

Do you ever take out the garbage? Yes.

Do wash your face thoroughly everyday? Yes, first thing I do in the morning and last thing I do before turning in.

Would you ever do a ride along with a cop? No.

Are things, in your opinion, overly expensive these days? They are, as a fact, more expensive.

Where was your last car ride to? Apart from getting back home, I went from MOA to Feliz to have lunch with my family earlier.

Are your nails long? They aren’t.

Have you ever gotten food poisoning? Yes. Hate it.

Have you ever had to put a dog to sleep? I have not.

What messenger services do you use? Messenger, Viber, Telegram, and very occasionally Whatsapp.

Have you ever lost someone important to you? Of course.

Are you listening to music currently? No but I have an episode of GMM in the background.

[acompassrosa]

Decks I Used in January 2023

I thought it might be interesting to take a look back at what decks I used last month and what stood out to me-- especially since one of my goals this year is to spend more time with more of the decks in my collection.

Decks I Used Only Once:

Golden Lenormand Oracle- I used this for a Grand Tableau reading for the first quarter of the year. If you’re familiar with Lenormand, the readings are often relevant for 3-6 months. As such, I try to do them quarterly. This was a really fun deck to use, I happened to have a free day when my floor was completely clean so I could use HUGE deck. (A grand tableau consists of the whole deck and these cards are oracle sized) I’ve always wanted to do this and I have zero regrets about it. I feel like this 100% justified my having this deck in my collection. The images are charming, Victorian style images with playcard insets. 

Augenblick Tarot- this is one of those decks that I always want to spend more time to but just have not been able to make time for. It’s a square deck on a nice stock and the images are all cropped down tourism photos. It’s definitely one of the coolest decks I own and I love the readings I get with it… but it takes time. I would honestly love to spend a month deep diving into this one, but I have not really had the headspace for that recently. So, I just pull it out now and again for one-shot reads. 

Heavenly Bloom Tarot- A newcomer to the collection, an absolute stunner. I definitely want to work with this one more but there are two obstacles: slippery card stock and a weird, overly long, card shape that makes shuffling difficult. I’m already working with this deck more in February though, so hope is not lost!

Star Seeker Tarot (Pocket Edition)- This was a repurchase that arrived at the very end of the month. I had the full size first edition and passed it along to a friend the moment the pocket edition was announced… and then forgot to actually buy it until now. I love pocket/mini decks and I am thrilled to have this one. I am sure I’ll have more to say on this one later in the year! 

Decks I Used Lot: 

Mystical Manga Tarot- This was such a stand out for me in January! I love it! I got this sometime in the last two years, having looked at it for ages before purchasing. I got the Traditional Manga Tarot at the same time and at the time that stole my heart and shove the Mystical Manga Tarot to the sidelines. I am so glad I gave this deck a change to shine– the colors are so fun and I love the literal framing of the cards so much. It’s a great, fun deck to play around with and the court cards in particular are a lot of fun.

Phantasma Tarot- Gods, this deck is beautiful. I love all of Paulina Fae’s decks but this one is perfect. It’s borderless, which is how all her decks ought to be, so you can really see all the intricacies of the artwork. This was a close second to the Mystical Manga for favorites, falling short only because I feel like I need even more time to fully appreciate this beauty. 

Traditional Manga Tarot- As mentioned above, when I first got this and the Mystical Manga Tarot it was the immediate standout of two similarly themed decks– and I stand by that! In general it’s still my preferred of the two, but it just didn’t stand out as much to me in January. 

Tarot by Caro- I feel like this deck needs more love from the tarot world in general. It is such a fun, funky alternative to the RWS. The art style is amazing, the shuffle is flawless, and it reads like a dream. It’s only lower on this list because I used it less than the other decks. 

Le Beau Monde Tarot (Standard and Mini Editions)- This is an old reliable for me and it is always a joy to work with. I actually read with this one a lot in January, but because I already expect good things from it… it just didn’t stand out as much as the others when I look back on the month as a whole. This deck is not for everyone, being both regency romance themed and a pip deck, but something about the suit choices (candles, parasols, fans, and reticules) just speaks to me. I get such clear images from working with this deck and I love her dearly. 

[nycrollasintreatment]

January 23, 2023

My SAA sponsor said "Gabi isn't a resentment, you owe her an amends". The idea of me owing her an amends didn't click right away. Ultimately in order to put this bullshit behind me, I will need to make an amends to my former therapist.

I resent her because she ghosted me. First she mentioned in an E-mail that she agreed, Gabi didn't think it would be a good idea for the two of us to meet again. Surprised that she responded back led me to go on an unfilted rant. The last thing she stated in an E-mail is "this is just a reminder that we're not meeting again next week. It took a couple of more unanswered e-mails to get the hint...

To be honest it took more than a couple of unanswered e-mails. The first warning came from Parris. After coming in a second week in a row talking about how I can't stop thinking about her, Parris said "Alright here's the deal. You have to start thinking about the consequences. Particularly LEGAL consequences. Even Hebba my current was like how could it lead to legal consequences? At a LGBTQ SAA meeting I broke down and admitted to entertaining the fantasy of stalking her both online and offline. After the meeting the facilitor gave me a slight embrace and said "Hang in there man". I'm glad that his advice stood the test of time.

The second warning came from Robert, the therapist that took over after Parris' internship was over. During our session I went on a rant about crossing a line. Robert interrupted me shouting "WHAT LINE DID YOU CROSS?!". To this day I have to remind myself that as tempting as it may have seemed (especially in the beginning) I didn't cross a line...at least not one outside of my head.

My SAA sponsor ultimately helped me to put everything in perspective. At first he was preaching that it was all 100% my fault. This was in contradiction to what Robert told me. He said that the transference went too far and as a professional she should've put a stop to it. When Gabi reached her breaking point her response was 100% unprofessional. My sponsor said "It's old news. You scared her. She did what she needed to do to create distance from you. She chose to distance herself from you. Be a man. Accept defeat."

That was a tough pill to swallow. I learned a lot about maning up when I was on the road for six months but I don't want to go off on that tangent. I will say alot of it has to do with my uncle telling me "Don't come over the house". In therapy this week I plan to talk about how I don't want Butch to come over the house. Ever since he burglarized the house my mom seems to have had a change of heart. We need to talk about what we're going to say to the detective in charge of the case.

Today my plan was to get high and lay in my bed all day. I've been in this funk since Cornelius told me he was in town. That was nearly two weeks ago. Hebba wasn't happy when she found out where all this was going. The bottom line is this. There would come a day where for one reason or another I can't wake up to my fix. Inevitably it would result in a day that goes to shit from beginning to end. Sensing that day was today I decided to get some writing done.

[miyamoratsumuu]

thankuu for the tags yen & @nnnyxie !! 🙋🏻‍♀️ ALSO OUT OF TOPIC BUT YEN I LOVED UR IWA MINI SMAU SERIES PLS THAT WAS MY GIRL DINNER WHEN I READ IT THE OTHER DAY

started writing-

it was around the time of the pandemic, so 2021! I started writing for mha, then around later I got into haikyuu, and here we are!!

started blogging-

2021 as well! 8/20 to be exact. I had a blog before this one, I took a short break from it, and at the time I didn't really know how to use tumblr yet, so wanted to start a new one

followers-

I currently have 328 lovely followers!! I was actually so surprised when I checked on my tumblr last january this year. I sort of went m.i.a. for a long while since I think july 2023? and back then I only had 100-ish followers so imagine my surprise to come back to more than a hundred more!! I'm honestly so grateful for each of u, ily guys sm 😞

communication-

I LOVEEE interacting with everyone here!! though I am pretty awkward for the first few interactions, it actually makes me so happy to talk to others! ESPECIALLY MOOTS AGHH I LOVE AND ADORE YOU GUYS SM even though I rarely talk to u guys cus I have a tendency to overthink how I'd talk to you or what I should reply ahaha but nonetheless pls pls don't be hesitant to reach out to me!! I'm always welcome to talking to new people and making new friends!!

likes-

I don't really keep track of the likes on my posts, but I really do appreciate those who interact with my posts! whether it's a like, reblog, or comment, I think of it as a sign that u guys like my work!! and that makes me happy:) I don't rlly mind how many likes a post gets either, I'm just glad to share my work on here

requests-

my requests are currently open!! tho I do have a specific set of rules when it comes to sending in one, I am open to reading and doing your requests as long as they go by the guidelines:) I'm not the fastest worker or writer either, so please be patient with me when it comes to finishing your requests!! I hope that they are up to your expectations once I finish them as well:)

writing-

I enjoy it alot!! it excites me how I could almost turn my ideas into a reality through it. it's a hobby I didn't think would bring me here! I'm so glad to have made new friends, and be in this community bcs I started writing

works i'm proud of-

I'm initially proud of all of my works since I procrastinated while working on every single on of them, and I'm just happy to have been able to finish them, though I really like my "and they were roommates" akaashi fic! I come back to it from time to time, and end up thinking that akaashi may be ooc in that fic, but I still have a soft spot for it

no pressure tags!!: @valeriwa @kovu-bunnbunn and go ahead to anyone who'd like to do this as well:)

Behind the scenes of a Tumblr Writer - Tag Game

Hey there, I love behind the scenes and since this is something that's rarely talked about, let me start the chain... if you feel uncomfortable with a question, just skip it. You can add some if you want as well.

Started writing: I wrote my first Harry Potter fanfic at age 10. Started posting around 15,16 years old. I'm now 31, so...

Started blogging: I started on a German fanfiction site around 2010/11 I think. Might have been earlier too, but back then I was mostly reading, no posting. I really started when I got into One Direction (very late, tbh)

Followers: Currently at 961, which is wild to me. I don't even know that many people IRL. I convince myself that half of them are bots tbh, so I don't freak out all the time.

Communication: The people I talk to regularly are: a few writers who answered after I constantly reblogged and commented on their works and a few people who commented and reblogged my work. Writing and blogging on here can be pretty lonely, depending on your personality and the time you're active (I'm from Europe and a lot of my followers seem to be living in Northern America, so there's the Timezone thing) ... And I found that the best way to strike a conversation is to reblog, comment, and to not be shy. I do wish I got more asks, though....

Likes: I actually filter them out. I have 793 original posts up at the moment. It doesn't give me anything to know how many likes a fic has other than to tell me which characters are liked more than others or maybe that one fic does especially well. My activity only shows me comments, asks, reblogs with tags, and answers to my own asks. I live for the tags and the comments.

Requests: I love talking to people about ideas. That's how I started the plotbunny game because I have so many ideas and so little time. And sometimes an idea just doesn't want to be written out fully. Requests are fun because YAY, I get some mail... but then I freak out because I don't really know how to write this NOW and then I freak out because it's been a week already, two weeks, wait, two months? I'd rather have suggestions where people tell me vague things like "I'd love to read something about this side character" or "Have you ever considered this character with a soulmate trope"? because then I don't have the feeling of failing the request when I write it a little bit differently.

Writing: I am a fast writer. I know that's one of my talents. I can churn out a oneshot of 1k words in less than an hour. People read slower than I write. That can suck sometimes because you've just posted this and you want to know what people are thinking but they're not as fast as you are. I do have a lot of ideas. I want to write constantly but my brain doesn't always want to. I am trying to respect that.

There are also certain things that I just feel wrong writing. I cannot write anything suggestive (I also don't like reading it) and everything past that gives me panic attacks. I can hardly write mean characters and jealousy feels so wrong to me that I cannot write it. I've also overdone it with the soulmark trope and now I feel like everything I write about it feels lifeless.

I write best in the mornings before going to work, but I don't have much time there. I don't need special music (but it helps), but I need to have at least some energy left and at best, no distractions. But I have been writing for over 20 years, so I will say experience helps a lot.

Tagging: @revasserium @shoulmate @lemurzsquad @screamin-abt-haikyuu @toomanygoldfish @satorisoup @emmyrosee @reverie-starlight @alienaiver and @writingsofanomnivore and everyone else who wants to join

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: January 28th, 2021 (Part 1)

And we’re back with many more ask answers! Thank you for waiting.

Is lizzie/the main character tripping over a rock a random event in barbecue? or does it require certain choices? i picked the same choices in multiple different playthroughs but ended up with three different outcomes (1. nothing happens 2. liz trips 3. i trip)

Yep! It’s completely random. Just a little moment of life you don’t have control over, haha.

wait just double checking you stated that derek would be another romantic interest you can pursue in step 4 right??? im just asking cuz hes my fav character 

oh wait and btw i was the one that asked the question about derek being in the step 4 just now, and will you have to pay extra for like a dlc or something bc i play the free version rn and i just wanted to check!! 

Yeah, you will eventually be able to romance him, but unfortunately it is a paid DLC. Cove is the only love interest who’s entirely free-to-play. You can  follow our social media for when we giveaways for a chance to win a key for it, though.

i know that y’all said the step 3 dlc and step 4 will be released early 2021, is there any update to that? for example, a rough amount of days/weeks until release? no pressure at all, i’m super excited!! <3 

The Step 3 DLC will be about in maybe two-two and half months or so. Step 4, we’re not entirely sure. Maybe a few months after the Step 3. We don’t want to give set dates until we’re really close to the release since otherwise we wouldn’t be able to 100% guarantee them.

First off love the game. Second I'm a little confused on how the nsfw dlc is gonna work. Because based on some stuff you've said it sounds like a patreon only thing and others make me think it could be an itch/steam thing after the fact? Would you mind clarifying for me 😅. Also if it's a patreon only thing do you need to become one before it's released? 

It’s not going to be on Steam/Itch. The actual game of Our Life is safe for teens with no adult content. Any 18+ stuff we’re releasing is separate bonus content. Right now the only for sure plan is having it available through Patreon. If there’s another hosting site that’s not Steam or Itch that’d be easier for people than Patreon we might consider uploading it there too, but nothing else is set.

If you want the bonus Moment you’d have to join once it’s already out or sometime after the release. Joining now would get you our current rewards, but wouldn’t get you future content that’s coming later.

this is probably an awkward question and i apologize, feel free not to answer, but i just wanted to address the elephant in the room....will step 4 acknowledge covid/2020 world events?? i kind of hope not bc i'd like to just exist in a fictional version of the world where things are happy in this quaint seaside town and the world isn't falling apart, but i'd understand if there are some references to it. just thought i'd ask so i can Prepare if that makes sense

Step 4 isn’t going to include Covid or even reference it. When we set Step 4 in that year we definitely didn’t know there’d be a global pandemic during it. It’s too late to move the timeframe earlier or later, but we’re not going to make Step 4 stressful for anyone because the real world became so much more stressful. The universe of Our Life will just be an even more idealized place than it was before.

hiiiii! i'm really sorry if this is a bother. i was just curious if cove has a canon setting for each step, like is it canon that he stays candid the whole game and is super sporty for instance and the rest are variations? thank you for your time!

None of those settings are canon. They’re all equally valid.

I love the game and Cove so much that I ended up spending most of the holidays playing it. Definitely worth it! Idk if you're taking suggestions/criticisms, but I chose the peach skin tone and seeing it written as "my peach skin" in the game broke immersion for me because I kept thinking it was referring to the fruit instead of my skin color. I think that skin color is most commonly referred to as "fair" but "peachy" or "rosy" would work too if you're looking for a different word 

Thank you for sharing your experience. We’ll change it to “peachy” in the next update!

So I accidentally overwrote a save file with a different one, is there any way I can recover that save? 

Sadly, there isn’t. Not unless you had a backup of the actual save file files in a separate location you can get. I’m really sorry. You can try using the skip feature to quickly speed through the game and get back to where you were though.

Do you try to maintain the color scheme for the clothing throughout the years in Our Life? 

Yes, though in hindsight not as much as I wished I did, haha. It could’ve been a little more cohesive. It was a bit too broad in my opinion.

I noticed that Cliff mentions he wasn’t much older than Cove before finding out he was going to be a father when he finds MC in bed with Cove during Part 3 so doesn’t that Cliff and Kyra were teenage/young parents? 

Yeah, Cliff was nineteen and Kyra was eighteen when Cove was born. They were just a couple of kids.

Does Cove have a favourite holiday? 

It changes depending on the year. Around Step 1 he’s not a huge fan of a lot of holidays because he’s not together with his whole family for them. But once he’s older and Kyra comes around more, he starts appreciating major family holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas more than other holidays because he knows how it feels not to have that. Though summer vacation is of course his most favorite all the time, if that counts as a “holiday”.

I tried to join your patreon but I can’t seem to? The website keeps saying something went wrong and to try again. 

I’m sorry you’re having trouble! I think contacting Patreon support would probably be the best option if the joining process itself is having issues.

How much is it to become a part of your Patreon? I don’t have a lot of money currently but would love to help you out more than just buying the games and dlcs. 

Aw, I appreciate you wanting to support but the Patreon is really optional. You don’t need to push yourself to join if you don’t have extra funds for it. To still answer the question, the tiers are $1, $5, $10, $15, and $20 in USD. Each come with different perks.

I had this idea for a future daughter for the MC and Cove being named "Poppy", after the flowers on their hill~

That’s a really sweet idea! I’m sure Cove would be a fan.

So if you don't mind me asking, how do you get Cove to propose to you in Step 4 and not the other way around? 

I’m afraid that’d be too big of a spoiler to give away before the epilogue’s release, at least in terms of specifics. Generally you’ll just have to be patient and try not to propose first, haha.

will we get to move in with cove in step 4 😮?? or is that a secret 

You can be living together with Cove in Step 4! Though you wouldn’t get to see the place itself. That’s up to your imagination.

Is it bad that I'm completely in love with Cove's dad... What I gotta pay to romance Cliff 😭 (I don't mean as Jamie because that would be wack) 

That’ll cost one million 20 twenty dollar bills, haha. I’m really glad you like him, though sadly we aren’t able to make a separate game where you can romance Cliff. I wish we had enough time to make tons of new scenes/extra stories in the Our Life world, but it just takes too long. Maybe people will make fanworks about it.

—–

We released a new FAQ! It answers common questions and we’ll keep adding more to it. Please check there before sending an ask. FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog  

[qqueenofhades]

Modern AU Heartrender Husbands gives me the vibes of like they'll watch eurovision bc Fedyor wanted to and Ivan only begrudgingly agreed but in the end it's him who's standing really close to the TV with a bottle of beer loudly criticising the jury vote

Anon, your Mind. As 100% ever, I am so very easy to enable. As before, this is set in Phantom!Verse, and serves as a sequel of sorts to this (and as a further prequel to PEL).

Brighton Beach, 2014

It’s their first spring in their new home – they arrived in America in August 2013 and got this place, fittingly, right around Orthodox Christmas in January 2014 – and that means many things to them. Their apartment is in a formerly rent-controlled brownstone tenement right off the boardwalk, but prior to their arrival, it was occupied for fifty years by an old bat from Krasnodar Krai who apparently never, ever, threw anything away. (Fedyor is too scared to ask if she actually died in this apartment and her mummified corpse is lurking at the bottom of all the junk.) That is why he and Ivan were able to afford it, at least, but now that the weather is warmer, they have been spending all day cleaning, hauling boxes of crap to the dumpster, and trying in vain to get the smell of pickled cabbage out of the kitchen. It looks exactly like your Great Aunt Masha’s house, the one that traumatized you as a child and has never left your nightmares since. Home sweet home.

The upside is that the location is great, the apartment is surprisingly spacious and lovely – a big bedroom, a bathroom with two sinks and a deep claw-footed tub, a living room with high windows that let in lots of light, original crown molding and hardwood floors – and if it was located in the really chic parts of Brooklyn and inhabited by a tech-startup hipster rather than a Russian émigré spinster with definite hoarding tendencies, it would rent for some astronomical monthly sum. Fedyor has a three-ring binder full of paint swatches, sketches, furniture samples, and other plans to give it a total overhaul (he’s thinking a nice pale green for the living room?) But the one thing that spring definitely means is Eurovision, and it is just the ticket to relax from their grueling schedule of throwing boxes of junk away and hoping they don’t stumble upon a withered hand in a glass jar. He likes America and he’s excited for their new life, for all that they had no choice but to leave Russia in a hurry, but Eurovision is Eurovision.

Actually watching it, of course, is easier said than done. For one thing, Fedyor can’t find a blasted station that is airing it, when he could have just switched on the TV and found it right away back home. For another, Ivan is deeply dubious of the whole endeavor, having watched five minutes of it once when he was eighteen and turning it off in disgust, never to return. Fedyor spends a lot of time wheedling him to give it another chance. “Come on, Vanya. It’s fun!”

“It is a lot of homosexuals gyrating in leather to very bad music,” Ivan snaps. “They look ridiculous. And sound even worse.”

Fedyor glances at them – the fact that they’re sitting on the couch, he’s on Ivan’s lap with his legs draped over Ivan’s thigh, and Ivan’s arms wrapped around his waist – and coughs. “I’m not sure how to break this to you, darling,” he says, “but you are also a homosexual.”

“Maybe, but you would never catch me dead up there.”

“Of course not.” Fedyor rolls his eyes. “You might actually have to smile.”

Ivan makes a scoffing noise. Then he notices the full-on puppy-dog face that Fedyor is now giving him, and says, “Oh no. Oh no, Fedya. Do not look at me like that.”

“Why not?” Fedyor shamelessly snuggles closer. “Is it working?”

The predictable outcome is that Ivan grudgingly agrees to watch it with him, though they’re on American time now and Eurovision Song Contest 2014, held in Copenhagen, Denmark, is six hours ahead of them. Ivan thinks that it’s stupid to sit down and watch a lot of gyrating homosexuals in the middle of the day, when there’s still so much work to do, and tries to demand that they just watch the recording later. Fedyor says this is nonsense, you simply cannot watch a recording of Eurovision, and after a lot of investigation, finds the online streaming channel on his laptop and hooks it up to the TV so they can watch it there. Then he prepares his popcorn, his alcoholic beverages, and his glitter glasses, corrals his recalcitrant husband, and readies himself to experience pure joy. No wonder Ivan doesn’t get it.

However, the effect is both swift and remarkable. By the end of the first semi-final, Ivan is put out about the fact that Russia came seventh in the popular vote but was knocked down to eleven by the jury (this is evidence of an anti-Russian conspiracy, according to him) and when only Moldova, a tiny no-name non-EU former Soviet state, deigns to award them the full twelve points, he is openly incredulous. “Moldova?! That is all we get?! MOLDOVA?!”

“Well,” Fedyor says delicately. “There is that little situation in Ukraine, so I’m afraid we are not that popular right now.”

“That is bullshit,” Ivan grouses. “This is a song contest. The Tolmachevy Sisters are not Vladimir Putin. I am sure they have worked very hard to be here.”

Fedyor glances at him and wisely decides not to say anything. He is likewise a little peeved when the Russian contestants get booed by the Danish audience, but Ivan looks like he’s about to leap through the screen and throttle every single one of them. He thrusts out a hand. “Give me a drink, Fedya. I need it to suffer this indignity.”

Fedyor cracks the lid off a cold one and hands it over – there is the Brighton Bazaar just a few blocks away, stocked with Russian goods, so they are spared the ordeal of drinking Yankee beer – and Ivan takes a long slug. He thinks they can skip watching the second semi-final two nights later, since Russia isn’t in it, but Fedyor puts it on anyway. They both like Austria and “Rise Like a Phoenix,” sung by the bearded drag queen Conchita Wurst (there have been a few dumb comments about her from the usual suspects), but Ivan hits a fist on the arm of the sofa. “She was not better than the Russian girls,” he says loyally. “I still think that they should be the ones to win.”

“Right, well,” Fedyor says. “I think the only ones less likely to win are the Brits, and they never win, so we might be waiting a while.”

The grand finale, on May tenth, is an inadvertently hysterical exercise. They get up early and put on the pregame show, like the Americans do with their bewildering fixation on the Super Bowl, and Ivan gets even more furious when the Tolmachevy Sisters are booed again. “Are they not supposed to love everyone at this glitter bacchanalia? So much for the Scandinavians being tolerant and accepting people! The song is nice! They are nice girls! What is wrong with them?!”

“Come over here and give me a cuddle, Vanya,” Fedyor suggests. “Otherwise you will blow a blood vessel long before the show starts.”

Ivan growls like an escaped tiger from the zoo, but consents to sit down next to Fedyor. They both drink copiously once the festivities get underway, singing along loudly (and not that melodiously) to the various entries, Fedyor’s arm draped around Ivan’s neck as he sits on his lap and critically judges the acts before the official results pop up. Once again, the only twelve-point awards Russia gets are from former Soviet countries (Azerbaijan and Belarus) and Ivan looks like he’s going to have a conniption before Fedyor kisses him and he gets distracted for the next three minutes. “This is disgraceful,” he mutters, when they break away. “Not you, Fedya. Just the horrible way they have clearly rigged this show against us.”

“You know,” Fedyor says. “That’s Eurovision. You declare war on your neighbors when they don’t give you twelve points. Now they have the EU, they’re not supposed to fight anymore, this is the only way they can get all those old rivalries out. Just be glad that Australia isn’t in this year. You might have really blown a gasket.”

“Australia?!” Ivan shifts Fedyor to a more comfortable position on his lap and grabs for his third bottle of beer. “AUSTRALIA IS NOT IN EUROPE! It is not even anywhere NEAR Europe! WHY DOES AUSTRALIA GET TO BE IN EUROVISION!?!”

Fedyor laughs out loud. “I love you so much.”

���I love you too,” Ivan says. “But this is still the stupidest thing I have ever seen.”

“Shh.” Fedyor nuzzles him. “Just give in, Vanya. Just give in.”

Ivan consents to turn his grumbling down to a simmer, and is somewhat mollified that Russia comes in sixth overall, which is better than even Fedyor thought they were going to do. Austria takes the champion’s crown, they can both agree that Conchita Wurst deserves it, and get up and dance around their still-junk-cluttered living room as she gives her bravissima performance. A few things have been thrown during the judging, but they can’t add much to the existing mess, and in Brighton Beach, “damage caused to the apartment because Russia got shafted during Eurovision finals” might actually be a legitimate excuse. As he leans against Ivan’s chest and grins into his neck, Fedyor has to admit that this place may just feel like home yet.

[o-neillwith2ls]

I've waited for this!

Original/Fanfiction: Fanfiction

Fandom: Stargate SG-1

Rating: PG/13

Warning/ Triggers: none

FYI: The dates coinside with the airing of the eposides, some are a couple of days off but its obvious which one htey are meant to be.

14 July 2000

Carter,

I don't want this to be some soppy letter. I'm not good at expressing what it is I feel inside. I didn't even know until it was almost too late, until I saw you on the other side of that forcefield.

But you already know. I saw it in your eyes, and I wonder how long you've known.

You're smart. You've probably known a long time.

I can't even finish writing it out of fear this will be found, and my selfish feelings will rip you from me.

I promised myself that I won't be the reason your life gets ruined.

So, I'll wait.

28 July 2000

I could have lost you, Sam.

No sooner had we admitted to even a little more than our respective roles, you were mourning the death of the man and symbiote the Tok'ra who once shared your body loved for over 100 years.

I have no way of…. No, I have no right to comfort you.

I could have lost you, Sam.

Why does it feel like I already did?

4 Aug 2000

Sam,

I have something I have to admit and I'm not sure you'll like it.

I mean you did. Like it that is, but I have to bear in mind that it was consequences-free and you knew it.

For a blissful twenty seconds we were consequence-free.

You were surprised, but you soon relaxed; you were in my arms, and we were just two people together.

I'm sorry if my admission embarrasses or makes life awkward for you.

Believe me, it was the last of my intentions. I would never want to make you feel that way.

But I was curious and truly a free agent, and when Daniel pointed out I could do whatever I wanted free of consequence, my first thought was of you.

I think I'm in deep, Carter.

1 September 2000

Thera,

I'm addressing this to you as the man that can. Before too much of the man who can't admit it occupies my mind.

During the last few weeks, I have never been as happy, as complete, then I am with you. You make me happy, not my lack of memories.

I would never be a complete or real person without you.

It meant the world to me that we found each other and shared ourselves with each other.

I am yours whatever my name is.

Jonah.

15 September 2000

I remember a certain Blond Captain once asking me if I died would I regret anything.

Oxygen deprived really gets you evaluating as well as frostbite.

Turns out my biggest regret now would be in not telling you how I feel.

I still can't, so I hope you know I want to show you through my actions.

You came for me, Sam.

I live, because of you.

26 Jan 2001

Withdrawal is hard.

But it took everything in me not to overpower you and just get it over with.

I think there would be some kind of relief to the act, but I don't care for the feeling of regret after. Knowing what I would have done to you.

I might crave you for the rest of my life.

But this is stronger.

I'll be stronger for you, Sam.

29 June 2001

I lost Teal’c.

I can almost see you rolling your eyes at me, trying to comfort me, and tell me it’s not down to me.

But it is.

And I'm scared.

I'm scared next time it might be just as easily you.

I am a liability to your life.

In more ways than one.

Find someone, Sam, who can love you, protect you, and keep you safe. Can do all the things I want to.

Because I can't be trusted to be with you.

10 July 2001

Okay, I didn't expect you to move on that quick.

Or has it been slow?

Have you been trying to get over whatever it is we had? Of course, you're not as emotionally invested in this as me.

You have options.

Everyone who meets you loves you.

And this alien guy, Orlin, sees you for all the beautiful and wonderful things you are, and he got share it with you.

I want to be happy that you're loved.

I wish – no I didn't wish it were me.

I feel so selfish. I didn't believe you at first and you had to let go of something you wanted. You were caught… between saving the world or your own butt, of course you chose the former.

You… you'd give this world your heart on a platter.

And you had to do it alone.

I'm sorry, Sam.

7 September 2001

I lost you. Again.

All my fears rolled into one.

And it wasn't out there in the big wide void of space.

They took you here! From outside your gym!

I remember when I heard that gunshot which killed Charlie.

And then the memory of that dread spread through my body that day… that same dread overtook me.

We found you in the nick of time.

I don't know what I would do if they took you away from me now.

Because I love you.

2 March 2002

I won't lie. Today was a good day.

It wasn't because I got to tease the cadets into believing I'm a terrifying Colonel, although that was pretty spectacular.

It was a good day, because you stood by my side, you were with me and, to them, we might as well have been equals in rank in their eyes. And, Sam, that was a great feeling.

I love making you smile and laugh. I love we have lots of in jokes which scared the pants off those kids. I love--all of it.

I wish I could tell you.

15 March 2002

I love it when you're all happy and smiling.

But, Samantha Carter, there is something which turns me on so much and that’s when you're rightly indignant and you march on and prove them wrong!

Not only do I love it, but it saved Teal’c's life today.

Never stop being you.

17 May 2002

You want me to talk. To acknowledge my pain somehow.

I wish I could. If only for you, Sam.

I don’t think I can't verbalise the way I feel for you, not even those three simple words ‘I love you’ covers it.

Daniel brought me back from a precipice. One, I was sure had no route of escape. Yet he talked me from the edge. Even when he lived on Abydos for a year, he was the reason I didn't jump.

He was so full of hope and faith, and those kids I lied for.

They deserved to live.

Just like my Charlie.

So, I protected them as best as I could.

I protected Daniel, as best as I could.

And I still failed him. Failed them.

For all I love you, everything I love, dies.

I can't lose you, Sam.

So, I'm letting you go first.

19 July 2002

"I know I said I was letting you go. But I can't. The Tok'ra which they gave me looked inside of me and saw what I would do to protect you, and I ended up being tortured without the Tok'ra the wimp, who ran at first sight of trouble. Clearly, he didn't learn enough.

I'd do it all again to save you.

23 August 2002

I hate that the ship was taken from under our noses.

I love that you willingly sacrifice yourself to save the planet. I love that you don't think of yourself, that you would carry out exactly what is needed of you. I love you for holding out with no weapons, no way out until I got to you.

For all I love all this about you.

Please don't do it again.

Don't sacrifice yourself for this world.

Nothing in this world is worth that much.

24 Jan 2003

Thank you for believing in me so much.

I never quite say it, but I'm glad you're my second. I don't think anyone would willingly put their lives in my hands like you do.

It speaks volumes of the kind of trust we have. You knew without evidence, even though you've seen what I'm capable of.

Just thanks.

7 February 2003

It's like it's an annual thing! They try to take you from me. Your head on my shoulders, my heart in my throat. I could do nothing to save you.

The thought of losing you now to some psychopathic lunatic of a snake--

Losing Daniel was hard. Almost losing Teal’c was painful.

Losing you would be unbearable.

14 March 2003

A lot has gone on lately.

Daniel has helped ascend Abydos.

It's a painful reminder of where we all started, how this all started. It’s hard knowing I won't see Skaara again. I won't see him grow or raise a family. I won't see any of those kids again, and yet, they aren't dead and gone.

They've ascended, and if they're anything like Daniel, they'll show them how it should be done. It'll be good to have good people up there.

And yet in all of that, I think Skaara was trying to set us up! It's a sad case of affairs when I can't hide how I feel for you from a kid inviting me to his wedding!

But you didn't seem disgusted, you just seemed distant from the idea of us being romantically linked, jumping to "friends". I suppose it's not so terrible being your friend, it has led me to the conclusion that you no longer care for me the way you once did.

That's okay.

I want you to live your life. You're amazing inside and out, any man would be lucky. It's a shame, that's all. I wanted it to be me.

16 Jan 2004

I know it's been a while since I've written anything.

I thought I had started to get over you. Turns out the minute you go missing, I go crazy!

And T told me when Colonel Maybourne and I were stranded off world, you despaired at the thought of never seeing me again.

And I hoped -- I hoped you still wanted me, like I wanted you, but when we found you--I don't think you did.

I have to give up now, but if you ever find these letters, know that I will always be there for you. I will always care for you, if you need me, I'll always be by your side.

30 January 2004

It's bittersweet when you finally took my advice and found someone away from all this.

I always hoped it would have been me, but as long as you're happy -- I'll be happy for you, because you deserve the best in life -- and that's definitely not me.

I hope this guy is that guy.

I hope he gives you all you deserve.

6 February 2004

It scares me when I lose you. I've said it so many times in these letters, but it doesn't make it any less true. So, when you went missing at the Alpha site, even dad didn't believe you could still be alive.

I'm surprised. I thought he knew you better, if anyone can keep going to the last millisecond it's you, Carter.

Can I tell you something? When we found you all bruised and broken, you asked me to sit with you. I sat beside you and gathered you for a hug. It was to reassure myself. that you were alive, and real. Selfishly, I knew it was one of the only places your boyfriend wouldn't find us. Because I wanted you to myself, just to be sure you were safe.

20 February 2004

I should be telling you to talk to your boyfriend about this.

Not the specifics, but the situation.

That your best friend is dead. and your boss almost died too. I should be saying to you he can help; he'll understand how rough it is on you.

But I couldn't deny you. Never could.

When you stood in front of me crying telling me you were glad I was okay.

It felt like so much was not said, and we didn't confirm or deny anything, and maybe this physical barrier of a having a boyfriend was enough to let me comfort you as a friend.

Just a little bit, just a hug a little, and why I lied to myself when I spent the night with you as a friend when I really wanted more but that’s not what I told myself.

That it’s nothing but professional concern.

You have a boyfriend after all.

18 March 2004

I have so much to tell you. So much I want to say.

When you ‘dropped by’, I knew.

And I stopped you. Because that line has been drawn and neither of us would cross it.

I worried you were saying it because my life would end soon and you felt as though you should admit it, after all there would be no consequences.

But I know that sort of love.

Admitting with no consequences only makes you regret having not said it sooner.

I want to die, knowing I haven't caused any sort of regrets for you.

If I go now, promise me you’ll love him with all of you.

That you will be happy.

And there are no regrets.

Comdo.

20 August 2004

Sam, I think this will be my last letter.

You asked me, as if … as if I could change your answer.

Don't you understand?

I don't want to change anything about you.

I want you to be happy. It's my only desire, my one wish for you to be.

The world could go down in flames, but as long as you were happy and safe then it would be okay.

It felt like you were looking for validation of your emotions, of your thoughts and feelings, like you had to be sure I didn't love you and I do but I can’t tell you!

But telling you to drop your relationship, to change your mind and pick me… is selfish and self-indulgent.

To believe I could be worth it for you and let you wait for something that might never happen!

I can't do that to you, Sam, because I love you.

I've already lost you! You’ve moved on without me. And there’s no way back.

But for you, I'd endure it all.

Because you're worth it.

08 March 2005

It feels like I cheated on you.

You're not mine to love, I know it.

I'm with a beautiful, free to love woman and I feel like I cheated on you.

I shouldn't even be thinking it, never mind writing it.

15 March 2005

You're lying asleep beside me, in my bed, completely naked.

It's three in the morning and I can't sleep.

I should want to sleep, but I don't want to.

And I don't want to miss a single second!

Eventually I'll succumb to a quiet slumber, and, in the morning, you'll wake, we'll repeat last night then we'll sleep.

Together.

You picked me.

And I got to tell you. I can finally say those three little words.

I love you!

So, for now, I'm savouring it.

Remembering each little detail and storing it in my heart.

Because I've waited for this, and it was worth the wait.

-------

"Hey Sam, I'm just popping out to the store because we're all out coke and beer--" He called out as he walked into the bedroom, and when he did stop suddenly to see her sitting in the middle of their bed surrounded by those pieces of paper he had recorded those letters on, and the shoe box that had been their home for years.

He looked at her and saw she was crying. For a moment, he was shocked. Too surprise to move. His voice and thoughts fought to be in sync.

Her voice was thick with suppressed emotions and she stammered in shock. "I'm sorry. I was looking for my tennis shoes when I found this under the bed. I only opened it to check if we hadn't missed throwing this out at our last move. But then I saw the letters--"

"Were all addressed to you." Jack said swallowing as he carefully sat on the bed trying not to crumple them. "So, I guess it's only fitting--"

"They're love letters!" She cried. "It's our love story. All of it, the messy, the tender, everything it's here."

Jack looked at her for a moment before he asked, "Is that okay?"

She nodded before she reached over the letters that were strewn over the bed, wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and hugged him.

"I've never had a love letter before." She told him.

"Never?" He asked surprised.

Sam shook her head. "This -- this is so romantic!" She sputtered. "I love you, Jack." She eventually whispered before she pulled away. "You waited."

He looked at her and wiped away her tears. "Yeah." He said softly.

"Am I still worth it? The wait?" She asked him.

Jack smiled and was amazed again at her humility. "I don't regret a single second."

[prolifeproliberty]

I'd like to know what your reasoning is behind not wanting to get the covid vaccine when it's available? I'm skeptical about it too, just wondering how you reached that conclusion

1. Generally speaking I wouldn’t take a “new” vaccine until it had been around for a few years so we could see long-term effects. The common vaccines like chicken pox, MMR, etc have been around long enough for us to have good data on how safe and effective they are, so parents can make informed decisions for their kids. 

It’s why I didn’t get the HPV vaccine as a teenager when my doctor tried to push it. I didn’t need it (I wasn’t at any particular risk for contracting HPV) and there wasn’t enough data. Now we know that there are problems with that vaccine, at least the version that was around at the time, so I’m very glad I didn’t get it.

So even if there were no other issues with it, I would wait at least a year or two before getting it. 

2. It’s being rushed. They started it in January, and in March they were already saying they could have it by the end of the year. That’s suspicious and means at least one of the following:

- They’re cutting corners on safety testing

- They were working on it earlier than anybody knew (conspiracy theory, I know, but at this point...)

- They’re fudging data on safety and effectiveness to rush it through

3. COVID-19 is a coronavirus, the same class of virus as most common colds. Scientists have never been able to make a coronavirus vaccine before - and now suddenly it’s achievable within a year? Not only that, but recent news reports are saying that the first round of human testing resulted in 100% of participants having an immune response. 

So let me get this straight: they’ve never been able to create a coronavirus vaccine. Then we get this new virus, and suddenly not only can they make a vaccine on a deadline but it’s 100% effective with the first round of human trials? HIGHLY suspicious. 

4. The narrative is pushing this vaccine as the key to reopening a little too hard. It feels like we’re being held hostage - get this vaccine or suffer the economic and societal consequences. There has been talk about making it mandatory, about vaccine record cards to prove your vaccination status, even wristbands or microchips being required before you can go back to work/school/etc. 

5. Bill Gates has been WAY too involved and vocal about this vaccine. He is a supporter of “population control” and “population reduction” (modern day euphemisms for eugenics) and has in the past listed vaccines as one of the steps to reducing the global population. Now, one explanation for this is that families might have fewer children if they expect all of their children to live to adulthood. But if your goal is to reduce the global population, can you depend on that?  In fact, we’ve already seen vaccines used as cover for sterilization of women without their consent. 

We’re now seeing Bill Gates partner with Mastercard to test a “Trust Stamp” system in rural communities in Africa that combines identification, financial information (credit card, etc), and vaccination records in one convenient biometric profile. 

So the idea of a microchip or other method of tracking people based on their vaccination status, test results, and so on is not only realistic, it’s already undergoing a test run. 

[dustofbrokenheart]

The Covenant: Top Anon

Pogue Parry x Reader

Word Count: 2,288

Summary: You have a loyal follower who comments on every post under your food blog. Just who is your favorite follower and why is the new grocery boy kinda cute too?

It was a new year and the start of a new you. Well, that is, a you who was trying new things.

In the past, you always made resolutions, but that spirit ran out before the month of January was even done. But after the particularly rough time of the past year, you swore that this time would be different, that you would make a serious effort to do something new.

It was that determination that led your current situation—your kitchen countertops were covered with ingredients and cooking utensils, your cell phone resting on a near by tripod for filming purposes.

The goal for this year was to try running a blog, and since you were a bit of a foodie, it made a lot of sense to center the blog around cooking and food. The idea came to you quickly; the hard part was deciding on a name, which took a while.

Eventually, you settled on The Foodiest. Naming was not one of your strong suits, but it was enough to get the point clearly across to potential viewers.

Choosing the layout design was on the same level of easy as deciding and didn’t take more than a day or two to implement on your site. Thank goodness for the existence of pre-made layout templates that saved you the effort of having to code everything yourself.  

With of the work on that end finished, the day had finally come for you to actually cook something to post about. Seeing as how January was a cold, winter month, you chose to make mashed sweet potatoes. Not only was it one of your favorite winter side dishes, it wasn’t hard to make either, giving you the confidence that even if your writing was lackluster, at least the food would look good.

Most of the blogs you were familiar with used a combination of text and photos for readers to follow along with, but you were going to try video in place of images. You sometimes struggled to copy based on what was shown in the photo, especially when you first started cooking, so you hoped video would make it easier on budding chefs who came across your content.

Luckily, the video would be sped up and lapsed for the final post to spare people from having to watch the monotonous parts in full length.

Hands on your hips, you surveyed everything one last time to make sure it was all ready. With a satisfied nod you reached forward to tap the large, red record button on the phone.  

You debated whether or not to talk while filming but decided against it. You were nervous enough posting to the blog without having the added stress of talking.

Everything happened in its regular order: you started by peeling and chopping the potatoes, a basic step, but you took your time doing it, paranoid as ever that you would cut yourself with the knife. Next you boiled the bright orange chunks in a pot of water; then put them in a mixing bowl once they were cooked. And finally used an electric mixer to blend it all nice and smooth, adding in milk, brown sugar, and cinnamon.  

Swiping your pointer finger through the finished product, you hummed with delight at the delicious, sweet taste. You pulled out a presentable bowl from the cupboard and spooned some orange fluff into it for the final reveal. Reaching blindly towards the far end of the counter you grabbed a bag of pecans to top off the mashed sweet potatoes. You scrutinized it and added more pecans for good measure.

Doing something in front of a camera was very different than doing the same thing on a normal day. Tension leeched out of your shoulders and you exhaled loudly with your head leaned back. A sense of pride warmed your chest, especially as you returned your gaze to the picturesque bowl. It looked great and tasted even better.

There was a large portion of leftovers because the recipes you used were collected from family and meant to feed small armies of people. You did your best to eat what you could and made plans sharing the rest with friends and coworkers later.

A few days after you published the post, you decided to check the stats on your account dashboard to see what the public response to it was, if there was any at all. Google analytics was useful for counting the total number of views it received while the blog site itself tracked the likes and… a comment?

Initial shock gave way to a bolt of excitement that had your fingers tingling with energy. You clicked to read it, wondering what it may say. Fingers crossed it was something good, whether it came in the form of a compliment or some constructive criticism.

Anonymous: wow good job

The chair creaked as you sat back slowly. You didn’t know how to read that, there wasn’t a whole lot to go on. Wow good job, said sarcastically? Wow good job, said excitedly? It didn’t help that the commenter didn’t believe in using punctuation either. And since it was submitted anonymously, there was no easy way to track down who sent it.

But maybe you were being too paranoid about it. You decided to take it as a compliment and cracked your fingers before firing off a response.

Foodiest: Thanks anon! I had a lot of fun with this dish. Hope you tune in for the next one :)

Anonymous never followed up with that particular exchange but they commented on every post without fail for the next two months.

Anonymous: nevr had white chili before it was good

Anonymous: the stuffed pepper were good

Anonymous: good call with the shrimp

Of course, all of the messages were sent as anonymous, so there was no 100% guarantee that it was the same person, but your gut feeling told you that it was. Who else had no respect for grammar rules and religiously used ‘good’ as their only descriptor?

You grew to expect, and enjoy, the weekly comment left by anon and made sure to leave a nice response in return. It was hard not to feel a connection to someone who took the time to try your recipes and leave a nice message. If only you could figure out who it was or at least have a name for them besides anonymous.

Foodiest: I’m glad you liked the recipe! My gramma swore by mayo when making grilled cheese. Thanks for always liking my stuff, if you ever want to talk more feel free to message me!

There. Maybe that would make them feel comfortable to give you their name you thought as you powered down your laptop for the night.

You spent the next couple of days leading up to the new post planning on what recipe to cook. Yep. Definitely not hoping for more information about anon.

For this newest post you decided to make some Indian curry, one of your favorites. Even long after you finished cooking, taping, and cleaning, the potent scent of spices was still heavy in the air, like aromatic nirvana that had your mouth watering even with a full stomach.

You tried your best not to refresh the post every few minutes to see if anon commented but it was tough. It turned out that you didn’t have to wait long as they left a comment within twenty minutes.

Anonymous: havent cooked this yet but looks good. Never really had indian before so have to go buy the stufff first – po

Anon finally gave up a name! You let out a happy noise and read it again. Po… short and to the point, just like all of the previous responses had led you to think about them. There was no time to waste, you hurried to write back, initial typos all over the place as the words out-paced your fingers.

Foodiest: Hi Po! It’s nice to have a name to put with your words. I would recommend going to an Asian Market for the spices, they’re more likely to carry them. Let me know how it goes for you :)

Since that conversation, Po and you chatted frequently about the weekly recipe choice, whether or not it looked good and if Po had plans to make it themselves, which they often did. Po seemed to like all types of food; vegetarian, meats, drinks, desserts, even ethnic dishes from places as far off as Bolivia and Morocco.

And the longer you two talked, the more frequent the messaging became. Whereas in the beginning Po would only submit a compliment that you would follow up with a ‘thank you’, it had turned into lengthy back and forths that took up a majority of the comment section for each post. More followers joined as the months went by and you hoped that they weren’t intimidated by your blatant favoritism but it was just so easy to talk with Po. If you were being honest with yourself though, it wasn’t only that it was easy… you genuinely liked talking to them.

Every time you made a new post it was difficult to not refresh the page every few minutes to see if they had left a message. And when they did, it was like a shot of electricity straight into the system where your heart would jolt and your face would flood with heat. You were hesitant to say it was a crush given that you didn’t know what they actually looked like and the computer screen barrier made it so you were content to define it as friendship.

Pushing those thoughts aside, you grabbed your wallet and keys while putting on shoes so you could make a quick run to the store. You had big plans to make some buffalo chicken wings for the blog this week and you needed to stop by the store to pick up some ingredients that you didn’t have, namely Frank’s Original Red for the buffalo sauce and blue cheese for the dip. Being an adult and responsible for your own grocery shopping was a chore at times. 

Luckily, Winter had thawed out into Spring so there was no need for you to warm up or car or scrape your windows. You just hopped in and drove the four blocks it took to get to the store. The plan was to cross the stuff for the wings off of your list first and then browse around for some good snacks to tide you over for the next week or so. Things were going according to plan until you saw him.

A tall boy wearing an employee apron stood in front of the cracker section, his jaw line and soft looking long hair catching your eye. Then he reached up to the tallest shelf to restock some boxes his arms flexing slightly to show off his heavy biceps and his shirt rode up, exposing deep cut ridges in his lower abdomen. To put it simply, you were starstruck.

He finished with the boxes he had in-hand and went to grab more from the cart at his side when you noticed your blatant ogling. Rather than confront you about it he merely smiled and moved out of the way so that you could get to the brand that you wanted. Choking from embarrassment, you kept your head down and threw a box of Goldfish into your shopping cart, speeding to get out of the aisle and his presence.

The store was a small local business and you frequented enough to know most of the workers there but you didn’t recognize this one, meaning that he must be new. What a way to make a first impression on him. Clearly your constitution was no match for his rugged, good looks. Then he was polite enough not to comment on you objectifying him which somehow made you feel even worse about it.

You decided to end the shopping trip almost immediately knowing that you were too spooked to continue shopping lest you run into him again.

You rolled the shopping cart into an open check-out lane and started putting your things on the conveyor for the cashier to scan. It just so happened that you knew the cashier—she was a middle-aged lady who’d been at the store for nearly two years. “Hi, Y/N. Find everything you needed?”

“Hey, Eva. Yes, I did.” You tried to steady yourself. Eva had a notoriously sharp eye and wouldn’t hesitate to question you if you looked off.

She left you alone today, engaging in normal chit chat, until she had trouble scanning the bottle of Frank’s hot sauce. Eva frowned when it didn’t want to scan and tried again but the bottle slipped from her hands and the neck of it shattered. Eva cursed and huffed, hurrying to throw the bottle into the trash before more leaked onto the register.

“I am so sorry, hun! I’ll get you another.”

“It was an accident,” you assured. “I can get it myself—"

“Not a problem,” she assured you with a wink. She pulled a walkie from her hip and spoke into it. “Hey, bring me a bottle of Frank’s Original Red Hot Sauce. Quick.”

You barely had time to don your awkward smile as she talked about how her neighbor’s dog kept pooping in her yard when the guy from the cracker aisle walked up behind Eva and handed a bottle of hot sauce to her. She took it and patted his back to get him to move forward.

“Thanks, hun. Y/N this is the new grocery boy—”

“Pogue,” he interrupted. “My name is Pogue.”

_______________

Another fic where they know each other but don’t know that they do. This time featuring Pogue and his fandom accepted interest in food. I picture him to have bad messaging skills — his fingers struggle with those tiny phone buttons.