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soheeunderthesun · 2 days ago

Text

SINS WE CANT UNDO

~𐙚⋆° — ONE SHOT

You adore her. You really do. She's the best person you've ever met. Kind, loyal, smart, everything you wanted to be. So why, why can't you stop thinking about her ex? Scratch that. What the hell are you doing alone in the bathroom with him at a party, knowing she’s downstairs drowning her sorrows in cheap liquor at the thought of her ex?

You should be down there with her, comforting her, protecting her. Instead, here you are at the last place you should be.

You adore your best friend. You know what she deserves and what you're doing right now... is the last thing she deserves.

wc - 8.3k

~~𐙚⋆° pairing — best friend's ex!eunseok x female reader

~~~𐙚⋆° features — Shotaro and Seunghan of RIIZE, Aeri of aespa and Kazuha of le sserafim.

~~~~𐙚⋆° genre — college au and forbidden love

~~~~~𐙚⋆° warning — cursing, smut (MDNI), moral ambiguity, and toxic behaviour by both main characters.

!AUTHORS NOTE! — My FIRST fic say whaaat? Okay idk if I even made this angsty enough.. I feel like it’s not.. 😭😭 yn is a really trying to blame everything on eunseok, a lot of accusing.. poor guy. Its like Elena Gilbert (The vampire diaries) in a different font. wait am I spoiling my own story? oops.. well just be prepared for the frustration youll feel.

This work is a work of fiction and is NOT intended to reflect the real-life personalities or actions of the individuals portrayed. This is for entertainment purposes only!

Tiny chipped remnants of pink nail polish scatter across your lap. The color is a faded pink but now reduced to smudged irregular dots that cling stubbornly to the fabric of the black dress you are wearing. The edges of the polish is uneven, a sign of your restless scratching, hoping that the motion somehow could peel away the war inside your head.

"Should I go for black or brown eyeliner?" Kazuha asks you.

Her voice is light as she sits a few meters away at her makeup table, the soft hum of the fan interrupted only by the subtle click of her makeup brushes. She applies her concealer and dabs it onto the high points of her face where she wants to brighten her already perfect complexion. She dabs on her cheekbones, the bridge of her nose and under her eyes. You simply just watch her for a moment. Her gaze focused on the mirror while she works on her face, blending the product in with smooth and precise strokes.

You shoot your eyes around her room and immediately notice the almost ethereal aesthetic she’s made. Her bed is queen-sized with a beige colored duvet and layers of baby blue throw pillows, it’s neatly made, like it always is when you come over. There is a faint scent of lavender in the air, her signature smell. Kazuha has always liked the smell of the fresh flowers, so she’ll make sure to have a vase on her windowsill. Fairy lights are strung up around the edges of her ceiling, casting a warm and soft glow across the room. Her bookshelf against the wall is stacked high with mangas, and even some of the books are thoroughly used, due to the spine being creased.

Your gaze then drifts to the walls as you scan the several photos that are framed, many familiar moments you've shared together. One of them being a picture from after her dance performance, a picture where she was practically glowing with excitement in her shimmering ballerina costume, her face was flushed with the rush of adrenaline and pride. She had been so eager and so alive in that moment as her eyes sparkled with pure joy. You remember how she couldn’t wait to take a picture with you and Aeri, her voice trembling slightly with excitement as she tugged you both closer to her. There are other photos scattered across the wall as well, some of them are her alone, with other friends and a couple more of you and Aeri. You glance down and your attention falls on the small bin. It’s overflowing with crumpled paper and what looks like a stack of discarded photos. Immediately there is a picture that stands out, a shot of her and Eunseok. A picture of her kissing his cheek.

A sudden memory flashes through your mind and with that comes a rush of guilt and a tight knot forms in your chest. It tightens with every passing second, pulling the breath from your lungs and suddenly the room feels small. You stare at your best friend trying to focus on the way she applies her makeup but all you can see now is in front of you is her trusting eyes and the thought of what you’ve done, what you’ve taken from her.

"Uhmm.. I think brown makes you look more soft" a forced smile appear on your face as you keep your gaze steady on her even though your mind is racing.

"Whereas black... black makes you look hot and uhm. Bold.. more bold "

The pulse of your heart thuds too loud in your ear drums. You didn't know your heart could race this fast. You hope she doesn’t notice your behavior and see how distracted you really are. The memory of last week resurfaces, how his touch still linger from the way his hands held your body, as if it burned your skin leaving it with invisible marks. It wasn’t supposed to happen of course. You weren’t supposed to cross that line.

Kazuha doesn’t know.. she doesn't know anything.. how could she?

"Well then black it is” Kazuha's voice is calm “I need to show Eunseok what he lost"

Her eyes flicker to her reflection in the mirror as she applies the black eyeliner. The words hang in the air and for a moment everything feels suspended, like if time froze long enough just for you to fully absorb what she said.

What he lost

You stay silent as you watch her fingers delicaetly trace the outline of her eyes. It’s so easy for her to say those words but you know the truth behind them, it's like she’s trying to convince herself and even convince you that she’s moved on, that she’s over Eunseok. But you know she’s not and worse than that, you know she might never be.

Your gaze then drifts back to your own hands and without thinking, you return to scraping the chipped remnants of the nail polish off your nails. The motion is automatic like a mindless distraction but it feels almost comforting in its repetition, as if it’s the only thing you can control in a moment that suddenly feels completely out of your hands.

"Okay spill. Is there something wrong?" Classic Kazuha, she always knew when there was something off with you.

"You've been quiet ever since you showed up" She sits back and takes a moment to admire her work in the mirror but then she turns to you and her expression softens. "You usually tell me anything yn.. especially when it troubles your cute little head"

You usually tell me anything

you really do

she is your best friend for fucks sake!

oh you such are a horrible person yn

You force a smile as Kazuha is waiting for you to say something, but if you speak and admit to what you've done you will ruin everything.

You’ll ruin her

"No.. I’m okay" you say "Just a little tired. Maybe some tequila can revive me back"

You try to make it sound casual but the words come out a bit too fast and a little too eager than you wanted, making her study you for a beat longer than you’re comfortable with. The concern in her gaze deepens but she doesn’t push you yet. Instead she leans back slightly as her fingers brush through her iron-curled hair.

"You sure?"

“Mhm”

"Or if you don’t feel like partying, Aeri can just drop you home on the way to the party"

an escape route

For a moment the temptation to take that route and to walk away and let the world pretend like nothing ever happened feels like the better option.

You can’t. Not now yn

Instead you shake your head quickly and hope she doesn’t notice the way your fingers tremble, as you brush another few chips of polish off your nails.

"No I’m fine I swear! let’s just go. I'm ready whenever you are"

FLASHBACK

You've known Kazuha for years now, years of being friends means you’ve seen her at her worst and at her most vulnerable moments. But this version of her? This side of her that’s sitting in front of you, with a tear-streaked face and barely holding it together has never appeared on the face of the earth until now. It’s a stark contrast to the girl you’ve always known, the confident self-assured Kazuha who was always the first to speak up for you or for anyone in general, because she could not bare the thought of someone being hurt or unfairly treated, even if it comes to herself. Seeing her like this in front of you feels almost ironic. Your best friend who once held the world in her hands looks so small now.

Small and fragile.

Maybe it’s shows in the the way her brown eyes doesn’t meet your own, or the way her voice cracks when she speaks thick with snot, the hurt in her voice cutting through your body like a knife. You have seen Kazuha in love of course, brief ones, fleeting ones, but with Eunseok it was another story. Everyone thought it was something so pure and real what they had, and something they could hold onto forever.

Now she’s silent as her lips tremble with her hands twisting together on her lap.

“..he doesn’t love me anymore” You could barely hear her voice.

"I thought..." .. “I thought... we were… going to last” .. “and now I’m just.." She chokes on her words and buries her face in her hands.

You want to touch her and fix all of the pieces of her heart back together, say to her that it'll be alright. But you stop yourself, because you know that there are no easy words for this kind of pain she feels, no distractions and no jokes will make the heartbreak quicker to fade away.

You feel it. Her hopelessness. You don't understand it though. You dont understand Eunseok. Eunseok for all his charm and sweetness didn't even have the decency to explain himself. Not a single explanation. Why? it doesn't look like Eunseok at all.

The Eunseok who has people wrapped around his finger by the second you meet him. Eunseok stood like he was the sun, the center of it all and you were desperate for a touch of the warmth he gave. He wasn’t just another handsome face in a crowd, it wasn’t only his appearance that left an impression, no there was something charming about him, in his own way. He wasn't big on romantic gestures or being overly kind, he simply treats people fairly and attentivly and it made you wonder how someone so gentle could’ve ended up as Kazuhas ex.

Sure, he was her ex, but you couldn’t help noticing how he’d have a big smile on his face when you´d talk with him, how he likes to tease and invite little jokes to your conversations. He’d remember to always ask you if you’ve eaten or slept well, always cared if you were doing okay, so naturally it made you enjoy his company. He wasn't just Kazuha's boyfriend around you, he was a Eunseok. Eunseok who made your heart flutter and beat a little quicker.

“I need you to go to his place” You blink, unsure if you’ve heard her right. She looks at you, eyes so tired and so lost, flickering with desperation or more like defeat.

“I need you to pick up my things... Please yn" Her voice cracks when mentioning your name, but she doesn’t look away.

This is what she wants. This is what she needs yn

“Yeah.. I’ll do it”

"I need everything, pick up all of my things"

You stand up and reach for your bag. “I’ll go get them Kazuha. I’ll bring everything back, I promise” She doesn’t look at you as you turn to leave and you wonder if she even notices you walk out her bedroom door.

You have already knocked twice and you feel how your hands slightly tremble when you reach out to knock for the third time.

Maybe he isn't home

you should just leave yn

you can get her stuff another day

But then the door swings open before you could take a step towards the stairs to your right, and in front of you stands Eunseok. His dark hair is tousled and the familiar warm brown eyes appears in front of you. He looks… fine? normal? as if he didn't just break it off with his girlfriend two weeks ago. You see that he doesn’t immediately step aside, he just stands there in the doorway while his hand rests on the doorframe. You shift uncomfortably.

“Hey” You’re not even sure if you’re addressing him or just making up for the silence around you.

“Hey yn”

“Kazuha asked me to come get some of her stuff”

You wait for his response and it feels like forever and you can't help but think if Kazuha wrote to him telling him that you were coming. But you doubt it, she has probably already deleted all kinds of contact with him.

“Oh sure yeah, come in”

You follow him into the room and your eyes fall on the couch where Kazuha’s belongings are. You see her soft grey hoodie being slightly crumpled and nearby lays a collection of skincare products, you notice the high-end serums and creams and how the sleek glass bottles catch the light from the lamp. You don’t turn around to face Eunseok. You feel like he is waiting for you to talk about the situation, maybe he wants you to ask him how he’s been doing or if he’s okay or if there’s any part of him that’s struggling like Kazuha is. But you dont wanna do that, instead you walk towards the couch to retrieve her belongings.

“How’s uhm Kazuha?.. How’s she's doing?”

You pause your actions as were about to grab her hoodie. The question doesnt surprise you, so you find yourself responding.

“she’s hurting...”

“Yeah.. I can imagine” .. “Im sorry.. I just… I couldn’t do it anymore, couldnt be with her anymore”

You’re still standing there, still havent picked up her hoodie yet. You dont really know how to respond to him.

Couldn’t do it anymore? what the fuck does that even mean?

It feels like he’s asking for more than just an answer, like he's waiting for you to say something or maybe understand something. The silence is loud between you, loud with all the things neither of you are saying right now. Kind of like a strange feeling of vulnerability hanging in the air, like he’s offering you a chance to step into something, something that neither of you have talked about before.

“I don’t regret it you know” .. “I dont regret breaking up with her. I just wish things could’ve been different”

You turn to look at him. Eunseok steps closer standing tall with his lean athletic build just a few inches from you. His eyes flicker over you, it scares you how you feel a flutter of something in your chest, something that’s so wrong. It's something you’ve never allowed yourself to feel.

“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?” He looks at you like he’s waiting for an answer, as if your opinion might make a difference to the whole situation.

Is he asking me for reassurance? or is he..

You shake the thought away you shouldnt even entertain it. You try to ignore it and try to focus on Kazuha and her things but Eunseok’s presence right now and his gaze… it’s fucking with your head.

“Maybe” you finally answer him “but she’ll need time”

You think the conversation is over, but then he decides to stand closer to you.

“I hope she forgives me” Eunseok says “Cause I don’t want to lose you too yn”

The space between now feels intimate and all you can focus on is the heat that’s rising in your skin, its burning. You try to look at anything but his eyes. There’s a war in your head, your emotions fighting against each other. You’re confused, you’re heartbroken, hell you are even angry at him. For putting you in this situation and for bringing this up now. You open your mouth to say something.

“Why did you say that?”

He hesistates for a moment “..Because I can’t let you stand there and watch us pretend like there’s nothing between us”

Eunseok steps closer and this time you don’t wanna run away. His breath is warm against your skin as he reaches out, his hand brushing against yours a light touch that feels almost like electricity going through your veins.

“You don’t have to say anything” … “I know it’s complicated. I know you’re hurting for her" his hand is now gently cupping your burning cheek. “I need you to know how much I..” He stops, his lips hovering just above your own.

Now would be a good time to pull away. You should be driving back to Kazuha and hand her the things you came here for. You should be thinking about the trust that you’re about to shatter. But In that split second you are thinking about that, Eunseok leans his body down to you making your heart thunder loud and furious against your ribcage. You don’t know why. You don’t know how. All you know is that his lips are on you now. So soft and so tender.

There’s no force in the kiss, no recklessness in your movements. It’s slow and searching when his lips move against yours. You feel the guilt start to fade into the void as you let yourself feel the heat that rushes through your body. You let him pull you closer, your arms grabbing around the back of his neck and you forget that you’re kissing the man who just broke Kazuha’s heart. His hand then slides to the back of your neck, deepening the kiss. you respond by opening your mouth to let his tongue slide in you, with a hunger that hasn’t been fed. The room feels like it’s spinning but Eunseok makes you feel steady. Just the pressure and slight teasing of his tongue against yours, his fingers going through your hair and the warmth of his body, It’s intoxicating.

You let him drag you to his room not too far away from where you just were, the hoodie and skincare long forgotten as he lays you down gently on his bed. He leans down to kiss you again, this time with more eagerness. You know he is desperate to keep you close, you feel it in the way he holds your waist firmly as if you’d vanish into thin air if he lets go. The hand on your jaw moves down towards the hem of your pants.

“Are you okay with this?” You open your eyes to look at him.

You nod your head, you know that if you spoke, no sound will come out and you were certain to not let this moment slip away from you. You wanted Eunseok you have longed for him and you had him now right in front of you. You know its selfish, but the selfishness of it all doesn't taste bitter on your tongue anymore, it doesn’t stop you from threading your fingers through his hair, pulling him closer. His soft hands roam around your body, as his fingers slide underneath your shirt to squeeze and massage your breast, making you gasp softly from how good it feels.

You try to button up your pants, but fail due to how he grins against your clothed core. Oh he is so big and so hard. It feels too good and you haven't even taken your clothes off. "fuck" .. "I need you" he slurred as he grins against you harder, letting his lips trail down your neck, his hot breath on your skin.

His movements comes to a halt as he takes his hands down to help you unbutton your pants, letting Eunseok throw them some place on the floor followed by your underwear. He then tilt your chin to make you look at him as he the seals your lips together again, his teeth tugging at your bottom lip to let him inside your mouth, you oblige as the slickness of his tongue mix with your own.

His hand travels down to where your thighs were and you open them further to reveal your exposed pussy, his hands greedy on your soft inner thighs , deeply massaging into the flesh which pulls out a whimper from you.

“Fuck Eunseok”

You could feel his fingers travel up towards your aching folds, so wet and ready for him. A second later he pushes two fingers inside, making you arch your back, his fingers are long, reaching deep. He moves in an agonizing slow pace.

"Eunseok.. please.." you whine. you want him to move faster, you grow eager as you take the wrist of his hand, and you start thrusting his fingers in you faster, you cant help but meet the thrust halfway. He chuckles against your lips as he lets you take control of his fingers inside you for a while before he finally gives into your desperation.

"nngh- more please" you plead.

He adds a third finger inside you and starts tormenting your hole curling them to hit the sweet spot inside you.

"fuck you are so tight.. even just by my fingers" he says, now adding pressure on your clit, rubbing it in circles as it makes your body go into overdrive, every sense of yours heightened. He nibs at your earlobe as he feels your walls contract around his fingers. His thrust becoming even more faster and harder, the sensation from his deep fingers inside you, the rubbing on your clit and him now sucking down your throat makes your body arch and shake for a release.

"fuck ngh! Eunseok dont stop" your eyebrows furrow as you plead him to keep his pace. Eunseok could hear how your low whines become louder. "Keep going, im close" you say as your eyes try to look down and focus on how his fingers slide in and out of you. Eunseok is captivated by the flush of your cheeks and the heaving of your chest. It made his dick throb painfully in his pants. "cum for me yn" thats all it takes for you to reach your high, as you moan into the room, though it gets muffled as he claims your mouth with his own, you keep kissing until Eunseok slides his fingers out of you to lick his fingers clean of your cum. Cherished every lick as if he doens´t want to ever lose the taste of you. He wanted to remember this. Wanted to remember how you laid in front of him.

He reached down and tugged at the waistband of his sweatpants, letting the fabric slide easily down his hips as he pulled them off. You focus on how his hands dissappear under his boxers as he pumps himself ready, fuck he looks so sexy the sight makes you clench around nothing, and your pussy throb for his cock.

You help him take his boxers briefs off. Eunseok is huge, never have you seen such a pretty cock before as it makes your mouth fall open at the sight of him, some drool gathering in your mouth as you reel him closer to you. The tip of his cock runs along your fold, teasing you, torturing you.

"please Eunseok, I need you in me"

Thats all he wanted you to say before he pushes his fat cock into your waiting hole. You hiss at his size "breathe for me yn. you can take it". he says as you slowly let him push more of him inside you, feeling every vein of his cock stretching you out. You can feel how your walls around him grip tightly around his cock, it stings you as if you are being split in half trying to let his cock find its way inside you.

"such a good girl, feel so good around me baby, as if you were made for me yeah" he kisses along your left cheek and down to your mouth as he fills you up completely. You sobbed out as he fully sunk into you, never in your life have you felt this full.

"doing so good for me, got you right here where I wanted you" his voice wavers as he fights to keep control, and not just rammer into you with full force.

Your eyes fall shut as he starts to move, thrusting deep, snapping his hips against yours. "ngh.. yes" you moan "Fuck you're so big" dragging him down to kiss him. He massages your breast again and squeezes your nipple between his fingers, you open your eyes to meet his, softly moaning his name.

"fuck" he groans, while picking up his rhythm as he pounds into you deeper. You struggle to breathe, his thrust harder, reaching deep inside you making your body tremble, with the stimulation from both his cock and fingers. "fuck baby... feel so good around me yn" his intense eyes watching you succumb to pleasure, pressing his forehead against yours, as he gives his all to find both of your releases. You had no idea how much Eunseok has been dreaming about this, dreaming about fucking you in his bed.

Eunseok isn't oblivious to the fact that what he's doing right now is messed up. He knows that taking you here in his bed is so fucked up of him. He is being selfish right now. He didn’t care about the damage that'll happen to you and Kazuha's relationship. It didn't matter. All that mattered was keeping you close, keeping you to himself. No matter who he had to hurt in the process.

"look at you right now so wet" you are soaked, dripping down his sheets, you see how his cock glistens at your slickness. "Ill give you what you want, what you need baby" he takes the fingers that were teasing your nipples, and began rubbing your clit for the second time. "ngh yes please yes Eunseok!" you moan gripping the sheets underneath, your eyes rolling back. You cry as he rubs your clit faster while he was fucking into you, only the sound of your arousal and the slapping of skin filling the room.

You can feel your orgasm approaching, as his thick cock and long fingers sending waves of pleasure to you "cant ngh.. cant hold back any longer yn" the pace feels like ecstasy, you legs shaking, as he hits your g-spot making you reach the peak of you climax, sending jolts of electricity through your body, your hole clenching and gushing on his cock as he continues to fuck you.

"please Eunseok fill me up" with one last thrust he empties himself inside you, groaning as he buries his head on your heaving chest. His warm cum filling you up, cock twicthing, as he keeps on cumming. You feel him pull you tighter against him wanting to feel you soft skin as he fill you to the brim. You then pepper kisses on his face, while you mindlessly play with his hair, he smiles at you, and kisses you one last time before pulling out.

Eunseok cups your face gently, his fingers brushing along your skin as though he was memorizing every inch of where he has touched you. He kissed you softly, his lips lingering, trying to communicate something he couldn’t quite put into words. "Stay" .. "I don’t want you to leave. Not tonight"

END OF FLASHBACK

Aeri´s hands are steady on the black steering wheel of her brother’s car. The night air is cool as it flows through the open windows, the rhythmic sound of the tires against the pavement fills the space like white noise sharing the air with the songs from the radio. Aeri sings along to the songs but keeps her eyes focused on the road.

“I’m telling you this party is going to be insane!” she says with a grin as her fingers tap on the steering wheel.

“We’re going to have so much fun! I just know it. I even heard Beomgyu is coming!”

You catch a glimpse of Kazuha´s profile in the rearview mirror. She is sitting in the front passenger seat staring out the window and she looks like she is lost in thought, for a second you wonder if she’s thinking about Eunseok, about what she said earlier

Showing him what he lost.

Aeri’s playlist shuffles through upbeat pop songs. You can feel the vibrations in the seat beneath you as it feels like they travel up your spine. For a few minutes the beats fill the air drowning out everything else. The noise swallows your thoughts whole, its enough to make you forget everything. You close your eyes for a second and let the rhythm wash over you. its like a perfect escape like a barrier between you and everything that’s been gnawing at your insides. You’re not thinking about the lies you’ve been holding inside, not thinking about Kazuha, or Eunseok, or the mess you’ve created. For once everything is just the sound and melody that don’t usually mean anything to you but now it feels like your lifeline.

Just as you begin to settle into the rhythm you hear Aeri twisting the volume knob followed by the music being turned down. You blink, eyes still closed as the quiet rushes in. Your heart sinks due to the absence of noise now amplifying the feelings you just got rid off.

“So, Kazuha” Aeri starts

“How do you feel about Eunseok being at the party tonight?”

Kazuha doesn’t react immediately. She’s still looking out of the window her profile barely visible in the dim light, but you can see the way her jaw tightens ever so slightly. She’s trying to act unbothered as if the question doesn’t even matter to her.

"I don’t really care"

She shrugs “I mean, he’s... he’s moved on right? so It's whatever”

“its whatever?” You notice how Kazuha’s fingers tighten around the edge of her seat but she doesn’t let her gaze flicker to Aeri.

“He didn’t love me anymore” she says her words flat. “I cant make him feel something he doesn’t, can’t force him to love me”

“I’m over it,” oh Kazuha..

“We’re both fine. No big deal.” Kazuha adds quickly

Aeri watches her for a moment longer, there is a silent understanding across her face but she knows not to press any further.

"Okay.. well, if you're fine, then I guess we’re all good, right?"

“Hey yn you okay back there?” Aeri asks, glancing at you briefly in the rearview mirror.

You nod quickly, forcing another smile “Yeah, just... just a little tired still. You know, like always” She raises an eyebrow at you

“Alright, but if you need to bail early, just say it. There is no shame in wanting a good night's sleep”

She then turns her attention back to the road, humming along to the song she turned on again playing on the radio.

The deep bass shake the walls and the vibrations go through your bones. Lights flash in time with the music and people crowd the space as their voices rise above the thrum of the speakers. You can feel the air is thick with the mix of body heat and alcohol. You step into the living room as the familiar smell of drinks and faint smoke lingers in the air. The party is already in full swing, you see people pressed together on the dance floor, hands on each others bodies or up in the air.

Kazuha moves ahead of you, her steps confident and her back is straight. Aeri on the other hand is already sitting down laughing with a group of people by the couch, she is clearly unaffected by the crowd around her, her energy radiating as she grabs a drink from Beomgyu’s hand and hands it to you with a grin.

“You look like you need this” she says

You take the drink from her.

You haven’t had a drink in a while but tonight, you think you can let yourself go. You take a sip and then you feel it. The electric charge of the tequila sunrise, It burns down your throat just as if everyone collectively holds their breath for just a beat. Then you see him. Eunseok. His back is to you, but you know it’s him. You see him standing by the edge of the dance floor laughing with a few friends, which makes your heart skip a beat. It’s been a week since you’ve seen him. Since everything happened and seeing him again so effortlessly at ease makes you suddenly aware of the glass in your hand, turned into a drink you don’t want anymore. You glance at Kazuha who sat next to Aeri now, She’s frozen in place. Her eyes wide and dark, she’s already seen him. She doesn’t move nor speak however you can see it in the way her breath catches. It’s brief but you know her well enough. Aeri notices too, her smile fading as she follows your gaze.

“If you’re not ready for this, we can leave. It’s no big deal.” Aeri says but Kazuha doesn’t budge.

She straightens her back again, the tightness in her jaw telling you everything you need to know. She’s not going anywhere.

She’s going to pretend she’s fine

And Eunseok? He’s just standing there laughing with Seunghan and Shotaro.

You see the wooden bathroom door just ahead of you. Someone’s leaning against the wall next to the door, texting frantically on their phone and they don’t move when you approach. It makes you sidestep, feeling a slight wave of irritation since they didnt care about the space they were hogging in the narrow area. You’re not sure if Aeri and Kazuha notices you slip away but you don’t really care either. The bathroom will be a safe space for now, even if it’s just for a few minutes.

You swing the door open and the cool dimly lit room greets you as you lock the door behind you. You need this moment alone. You lean against the sink as your hands grip the cold white marble, you look up to stare at your reflection. Your makeup is still intact, even your hair is still perfectly styled, but your eyes look... Empty. You inhale deeply as the silence in the bathroom is only broken by the sound of your own shallow breathing.

Then a soft knock appears. “its occupied!” you say, not in the mood to deal with a drunk person pestering you.

There’s a pause on the other side of the door. The person coughs.

that voice

Even with just a simple cough you couldn’t fail to recognize something you found too familiar.

Eunseok

Standing here right now, only a piece of wood dividing the both of you, so close yet so far.

How long has he been standing there? Did he see you slip away from the party?

"Hey" Eunseok’s voice floats through the door smooth and quiet.

"yn you okay in there?"

Another knock, it’s even firmer this time. it makes you close your eyes and wish for him tojust fuck off hoping it would be that simple. You take a long breath, then another, you know there is no way out now.

“I’m good” you finally say.

he’s right there

just on the other side of the door

waiting..

His response feels like forever, the only thing you hear is how his footsteps shifts due to the slight creak of the floorboards outside the bathroom.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt” His tone is soft like how he usually talks to you, but this time it’s like he is almost trying to draw you out.

“I just... I don’t know, I’ve been thinking about you. about us..” .. “hah it feels a bit weird saying this to a door though” you hear him awkwardly chuckle.

You grip the edge of the sink. You don’t want to hear this and you most definitely don’t want him to be anywhere near you right now. You wont respond, you can’t. Your mind is racing and all of your thoughts swirl back to the week prior and how good he made you feel. The way he took care of your body like no other and how he.. no.

“I know we haven’t exactly... talked. You know since everything happened” Eunseok continues “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay” he pauses.

Please shut up Eunseok.

“I know things got complicated. I... I don’t know, I’m not sure how to fix any of it. I just.. yn I’m here if you need me"

You close your eyes tightly and bite down on your lower lip, so hard you are scared itll bleed. You want to tell him to leave and to fuck back to the party, but the words stick in your throat.

“Are you sure you're okay?” Eunseok asks again.

“I can wait out here, if you need some time”

Before you know what you are doing your fingers fumble with the lock as your heart race. The sound of the click echoes in the otherwise silent bathroom. Obviously It wasn’t your intention to give in to Eunseok like this, but something about the way he’s standing out there, his voice low and so gentle like it pulled at you. So you figured that now is the time to take control of this moment. You open the door just a crack, enough to see him standing on the other side, his eyes slightly wide. He is dressed casually, a black t-shirt and jeans, its so effortless but in his presence and in his proximity it feels suffocating. You can’t deny he looks handsome.

“Hey yn” Eunseok says again. He’s standing a few inches away now, his hands resting in his pockets. It’s almost too normal. Too casual for this situation.

Without thinking the door swings wider and before either of you can say another word you reach out grab the front of his shirt and pull him inside. The door locks shut behind him, and you’re standing there in the space of the small bathroom. His eyes meet yours but there’s no time for him to process, and no time for him to ask why you pulled him into this tiny intimate space, away from the eyes of the party. The pulse is thundering in your ears as your body feels like it's shaking but you can’t let go. You can’t step back now.

“I..” You start, but your voice betrays you. You swallow hard, trying to steady your breath.

what are you supposed to say yn?

Eunseok’s hand moves instinctively, he reaching out to steady you as his fingers brush against your arm. The contact makes your stomach flip. Eunseok´s touch is so familiar but it feels all wrong like it's bringing everything you’ve been trying to avoid hitting down on you.

“I’m sorry" Eunseok murmurs “I should have said something earlier, but you know…” he continues. “The thing is… I never stopped thinking about you” you blink a few times, you then take a step back as you try to process what he’s just said.

“Eunseok… no.. not this right now. Not here, not no-”

“Then how am I supposed to talk to you when you keep avoiding me yn?”

You pause, hearing a tint of frustration in his voice.“fuck, this isn’t something we can just talk about as if it’s normal! You don’t get to say that, not after what we did Eunseok”

You kept going now, growing frustrated by his eagerness. If he wants to talk. Then fuck it, talk you shall. “Like… How could we even do that to her?.. and how could you lead her on like that knowing.. knowing you felt something for me?”

Eunsuk flinches “I get it alright?" his tone is defensive now as if trying to brace himself against the words of what’s just been said. “You think I’m some kind of dick, that I’m the one who’s messed everything up, for not saying anything to her. I get that. But don’t act like you regret what we did yn” He takes a step closer not quite within your personal space, but close enough that you can feel the heat of his presence. His jaw clenches and for the first time tonight you see the frustration that has been simmering underneath his calm facade.

“Yeah, I lied to her. But don’t try to tell me you didn’t want this too" his words feels sharper now, the reality of what’s been happening between you two, getting more serious "If you didn’t feel the same way, if you didn’t want me as much as I wanted you, you wouldn’t have slept with me." He saw right through you, he always did. You tell him you don't want him near yourself, and yet… his lips looks so inviting. It’s so obvious now.

“It’s like you are playing some sick game with me yn, trying to convince yourself that you are not the kind of person who would do this, who would sleep with your best friend’s ex, news flash you already did” he nears you.

“No no no stop” You repeat while shaking your head.

You wanna blame him for everything. You wanna scream and shout that he manipulated you into this mess and that he is some kind of twisted guy who does this for entertainment.

“You are the one who lied to Kazuha and kept stringing her along, knowing full well that you felt something for me Eunseok” … “You made your choices as you kept pretending, kept making her believe everything was fine! and now I’m ruled into this mess!”

For a brief second, his eyes flash with something, anger? frustration? guilt? or perhaps all of the above.

"Don’t lie to me, alright?" his voice is low now.

“You didn’t have to sleep with me, you didn’t have to let me kiss you or touch you the way I did.” he pauses before he continues “but the thing is you didn’t stop me! You could’ve easily pushed me away at any time in that room. So don’t stand there acting all holy and shit like you didn’t want this too. Don’t act like you didn’t have any fucking part in it”

The truth is, it’s so much easier to pretend you are not the kind of person who would do this, because deep down, both Eunseok and you know that you are trying to find a way out of this mess that doesn’t make you look like the selfish, confused, fucked-up person you are.

you are selfish, so selfish yn

You don’t care about anyone else feelings except your own

“I was already going on dates with her before I found out how I truly felt” His brown eyes looks at yours, and you can see they plead for you to listen to him, to hear him out “and now I don’t know how to stop thinking about you.."

He grabs your hand in his, taking it down to his crotch to let you feel his bulge underneath his pants. You feel yourself getting wet, by the thought of him getting hard because of you.

"come closer.. look what you are doing to me"

You’ve already done the damage, already crossed the line. All those times you’ve felt the slight jealousy of him and Kazuha together, or when you’d listen carefully when she mentions their silly fights, in hopes of one of them having enough and break it off. Now as soon as they did, you hopped straight into your chances, it was just all to your luck that Eunseok felt the same. But it didn’t make you any less of a bad friend, any less evil.

He is right,

you don’t regret sleeping with him yn

You only regret that there’s a chance Kazuha might find out

Your morals are nonexistent as you close the distance between you two. The kiss is heated, hot and breathy. You don’t know if it’s the desire or the pent-up emotions that travels around your body but right now you couldn’t care less.

You kiss him without a worry in the world. It’s addictive how his tongue swirls with yours, and how good he is a making you want more. "Fuuck im so happy you are wearing this dress, so sexy for me yeah" he growls into your mouth while sliding his hands underneath the black fabric to pull down your thong, feeling how your wetness try to cling on to it as he pulls it down. "already wet for me, tsk you probably wanted me to come find you here didn't you?" he smirks. "wanted me to fuck you while Kazuha is down stairs" you roll your eyes. "fuck you" your comment makes him laugh. "oh baby, you will"

He flips you around, making you face the mirror, his jeans already down to his ankles as he grabs his cock, dragging it up and down your folds to lube his shaft, he positions himself by your entrance. "look at yourself while I fuck you" he doesn't give you a minute to spare before he slides in his cock. You moan loudly due to his size, still havent adjusted to how big he is as it makes you claw after the marble sink, gripping it tightly. He goes deeper, keep on pushing into you making you feel so full of him. You sink your head down due to the feeling of him stretching you out, but he quickly grabs your jaw pulling it back up. "I said look at yourself while I fuck you yeah?" he says, staying still now, fully settled inside.

"yes" you exhale. "such a good girl" he praises you and slams into you, feeling your muscles contract. He shoves his cock deeper into you, making sure to bruise your hole every time he pushes into you, making you moan out loud. "fuck such a slut for me yn" He starts thrusting in you roughly this time he isn't holding back. He retracts one of the hands on your waist and grabs one of your hair to steady your head, forcing you to watch him fuck you. You can see how your own brows scrunch together as the pleasure from his cock is driving you insane. Nails digging into the hard marble, while moans slip out of your mouth. You also like the way his other hand dig harshly on your waist, the pain mixing well with the pleasure.

A whine escapes from your throat as he starts hitting a particular spot inside you. Eunseok´s eyes focused on how your eyes seem to look hazier and hazier in the mirror, your mouth gone slack as he hits your g-spot. "fuck yn, you look so good taking my cock like that" he huffs. His eyes glued to your face now. He contiunes jamming into you feeling himself approach his climax with the way you clench around him. "oh fuck please Eunseok!" the rhytimic pace against your g-spot grows your nearer, feeling the coil in your stomach warm. "oh Eunseok!, oh my god" "cmon baby, let go" you tighten around his shaft, while he fucks you through your orgasm. His thrust then becomes erratic as he feels himself nearing the edge. "fuck baby, im gonna cum" he growls as he drives his cock a few more times into you, before coming inside you. "Love how you feel yn" with shallow thrusts he spills every last drop inside you.

The mirror is fogged up now due to the increased humidity and moisture in the air. You notice how Eunseok is now peppering kisses on your jaw while still snug inside you. “mmmh Eunseok.. we- we need to go back down” he doesn’t stop but is now moving his lips up your cheek. “hmm wanna stay here, wanna be inside you foreve-“

You stiffened as both of your gazes turn onto the door, listening to the sound coming from the other side “Yn? are you in there?” Your stomach dropped, panic flooding your veins. Aeri…

"fuck" you quietly curse.

She cant see you in here

Not with Eunseok

You quietly pull him away from you, Eunseok hissing at the lost contact of your walls around him. You then yank up your thong feeling his cum slowly drip out as you feel the heat of embarrassment rush over you. The sweat starts to bead on your forehead, the panic creeping in as you realize how close you are to getting caught. You take a deep breath to steady your nerves before answering her, . "Uh, yeah, I'm in here! What's up? Everything okay?"

"no.. Kazuha started crying downstairs.. so I took her to the car to sit in peace. I think it´s for the best we leave.."

"wait what? okay ill quickly be there!… uhm you can get the engine started!"

"okay be quick!" you hear her voice, followed by the sound of footsteps fading as she walks away from the bathroom door until all that’s left is the hollow silence in the room.

"Fuck!" you say out loud, knowing Aeri cant hear you anymore. You swallow hard and shift your attention to Eunseok, who is already looking at you with worried eyes.

"she needs me.. I have to go Eunseok.." His face falters and a deep sigh escapes him. He doesn’t reach for you, doesn’t stop you from leaving, what he does is taking a small step back to create some space for you to walk towards the door.

In the car it's quiet. None of you speak a word. No radio to fill the space, no open windows to bring in the sounds of the outside world. Just pure silence.

Aeri pulls into Kazuha´s driveway. The engine shuts off and the silence once again swallowing the space among you. Neither of you moves right away to unbuckle the seatbelt, as you all sit there for a long moment. You know things aren’t going to be easy from here on out. All you can do is sit in the silence and wait for it to blow over.. knowing this is just the start of it all.

Hope you guys enjoyed this fic! (Although it’s an open ending..) feel free to leave a comment on what you think about it! It’s always nice to hear you guy’s reaction!!

Have a great day! I love you! 😘

#riize imagines #eunseok x reader #riize x reader #riize eunseok #riize scenarios #riize x you #riize x y/n #eunseok #eunseok angst #riize edits #riize angst #song eunseok x reader

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requiemism · 3 days ago

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maybe its just because jinx is bpd (or, at least, HEAVILY coded as such) and i have a mood disorder but i truly cannot help but be bewildered by the lack of understanding and empathy towards her character both in the show and in the fandom. shes essentially a broken, manipulated, desperate child- even if shes "grown" now, shes so severely traumatized i sincerely doubt her brain developed properly and she certainly didnt and doesnt have the help required to become a well adjusted stable individual. i dont say this to take away her agency or infantilize her- her actions ARE her choice, and she DOES understand what she is doing. however, despite this, a majority of what shes done has NEVER been in a moment of rational thinking. she only did what she did as powder due to desperation; she threw the bag in the water because she was cornered, she accidentally caused the deaths she did because she didnt understand the tech she had and she was desperate to save her family. everything she does after as jinx is largely due to silcos manipulation, being severely disordered, traumatized, and abandoned, and literally every single person in her life telling her all shes good for is destruction and causing pain. she spends almost her ENTIRE life being told by EVERYONE but the person actively manipulating her that she is incompetent, annoying, destructive and batshit. OBVIOUSLY SHES NOT GOING TO BE NORMAL. OBVIOUSLY SHES GOING TO LOSE IT WHEN THE O N E PERSON SHE HAS LEFT FUCKING DIES BECAUSE SHE ACCIDENTALLY SHOT HIM DURING A PTSD DRIVEN BREAKDOWN CAUSED BY HER GODDAMN SISTER. O B V I O U S L Y SHES GOING TO DO SOMETHING RASH AND IMPULSIVE IN HER MANIC, BROKEN STATE. because now, she has nothing left. she has nothing to lose. shes a jinx, and she ruins everything that she touches, and maybe, just maybe, she can use that to honor her fathers lifelong goal. obviously this goes horribly and backfires on everyone, putting a target on the entire undercitys back, but she ABSOLUTELY wasnt thinking about that when she bombed the goddamn capitol mid breakdown. in season 2, after making this impulsive (and frankly idiotic but thats neither here nor there) decision she lays low, avoiding causing any damage unless necessary (although it IS overkill whenever she does harm people, thats what shes been taught is normal. she literally grew up in the undercity where people are murdered and mugged on a daily basis.) and using every opportunity to scourge her own existence. she VERY clearly hates herself for what shes done, and she certainly doesnt seem to be proud of any of it. i think this is best displayed in the discussion she has with isha when they first meet. when vi and the enforcer squad come after her, shes literally minding her business, making a GIFT for the woman who has repeatedly hurt her because "it was something (she) could fix." she cant even shoot vi when shes actively gassing her, literally CRYING at the thought. the only reason she actively begins attempting to kill her and caitlyn is because THEY'RE DOING THE SAME DAMN THING, and once again she very clearly cant bring herself to do so to vi. even in s1, during the tea party scene, its pretty evident that she doesnt intend to kill vi in my opinion? to make matters worse, when vi tries to kill HER, she practically BEGS her to do it.

i understand that jinx is objectively NOT a good person!!! she has literally killed tens of maybe hundreds of people and yes, she did kill caitlyns mom (although very honestly i could care less about that ngl caitlyn is absolutely a good character but i dont like her as a person for reasons largely unrelated to jinx 😓). she literally builds bombs and guns and whatever the fuck for fun. she enjoys watching people be beaten and killed. but i think the absolute lack of any empathy or understanding towards her a lot of people exhibit is a little ridiculous and it infuriates me to no end 😭 thank you for coming to my autistic ted talk!!!!

#can you tell jinx is my favorite #can you tell #jinx arcane #arcane #arcane season two #arcane s2 spoilers #arcane spoilers

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zepskies · 2 days ago

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@lamentationsofalonelypotato

The angst was so real (in the best way)! 😭

She does, she's just afraid to admit it to herself and afraid to have those feelings for someone who doesn't love her back. And it really makes you want to hit her over the head with a frying pan LOL. And thank you! That's how I intended it to be, which is even more heartbreaking 😭

It does make sense, poor thing. 😭 She's so unwilling to believe he could love her the way she wants/needs, while he's hesitating to allow himself to do it. And I'm thinking he's fighting off some self-doubt/self-worth issues as well?

I love this journey of self-discovery for her, both with her brother and past, and with her expanding powers. It's pique Hero's Journey stuff! 💚

Plus, I really think that the creature is adorable, well, besides the murder tendencies. (I guess we could also say that about Ben LMAO)

LMAO factssss. Who could say no to that adorably confused grandpa face?

The reader is killing me tbh. I know I've said this before, but writing slow burn is literally almost as bad as reading it. Don't get me wrong I LOVE slow burn, but oh my stars sometimes it's so frustrating for them to both be in so much denial lol. I shouldn't complain because I did this to myself and now it really is "oh look the consequences of my own actions" lol.

LOLL the slow burn is a killer for both of us! "The consequences of our own actions" is so deeply relatable for the writing process. 🤣🤣

Thank you so much!💗 For me there really is something wonderful about reading/seeing creative chaos in a home, and also looking at creative spaces that people have. I think that there is warmth and comfort in a home that looks lived in. It's why I don't love minimalism, because it looks cold if that makes sense lol.

Aw you're welcome! I totally agree. I love seeing that as well -- it's like getting a window into a person's mind through their living space. I don't like minimalism for that reason either!

Again, I was so on the fence about Soothsayer, but what you said about her being in "an even better position to give her advice when it comes to that man" is exactly why I decided to include her.

Honestly it was a great twist! It makes her friendship with Ben more fleshed out and her own past, and how it serves to help the reader now. Especially now that it seems she's going to help get the reader and Ben together! 😂

I know 😭 She is going to realize it soon and I am so excited about that reveal. Oh plus I do think that she does know deep down that she does love him and care about him, but she's afraid to admit it because she doesn't want to fall for someone who she believes doesn't value relationships like she does.

God I can't wait!! lol And I totally get that. She really does seem to realize how deep her feelings run for him, but she's afraid, for the reasons you said. 🥲🥲

Mayyyybbbbeeeee...😉 Honestly, as much as I love reading fics where the reader isn't a supe, there's always a little part of me that can't help but see the reader growing old and Ben staying the same, and it always breaks my heart. There really is something so intimate and romantic about being able to truly spend your life with someone else, not just your life and then they go on for another few centuries.

Ooooh yesssss. 😏 And totally agree with you there! It's too bittersweet for me when you know one of them is going to die someday and the other keeps living on, carrying the weight of their memory. It's why I had to come up with that twist in BMD loll. Thank you for noting on that! It took some head scratching and BS science (and some inspo from my love of Smallville), but I think the reasoning was convincing enough on how the reader in BMD "caught up" with his longevity of life. 😂 I also love the idea of the plants giving her healing abilities and prolonging her life through that cell regeneration. 💚💚

It's my favorite line too! That and the bundt cake 😂. But you're right, he's afraid of everything that he's feeling and after Countess, he's not sure if he should fall for someone again.

Can't forget the bundt cake!!

Oh yeah, Countess sure fucked him up. 😬 That, along with the torture and years of being treated like a god in all other respects. 🫠

Oh Ben, he'll get there. He just needs some actual love in his life, and someone stubborn enough to not only put up with his shit, but like you said, "take a chance" on him. 😉

It's always my pleasure to read your stories, hun! Giving the feedback is the least I can do. 💕

Chapter 14: Don't Be A Bundt Cake

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV, Soldier Boy POV

Summary: When you decided to work with Butcher and his merry band of supe hunters to take down Homelander, you never expected to be saddled with a sullen, grumpy, jerk like Soldier Boy when the job was done. The more you're around him the more you hate him, but you can't help but wonder, is he really as big a jerk as you think? Reader is a supe with plant powers. This takes place in an AU about a month after the end of The Boys Season 3, in which Butcher has let Soldier Boy continue to work with him on his team. (I'm real bad at summaries, please forgive me!)

Tropes: Enemies to Lovers (Not in this chapter), Slow Burn, Age Difference (Reader is in her 20s), Soft Ben/ Soldier Boy, Protective Ben/Soldier Boy, Miscommunication Trope

Word Count: 13.1K

Warnings: I'm going to label this 18+ because Soldier Boy (he's a warning and everyone knows it), Swearing, Mentions of Sex, Sexual Innuendo, Talks of Death, DENIAL, Idiots in Love, Pining by the Reader (and SB, but he won't admit it) Depressing Thoughts, Mentions of sexual assault/rape (not detailed at all, really just in passing) Talks about weed, Sexist comments, Ben makes derogatory comments, Threatening Ben/Soldier Boy might be a little bit OOC.

Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal monologue is in italics and is in first person.

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

A/N: I am so sorry this one took me a bit longer. The writers block was fighting me the whole way, but we are very closely nearing the end of this series and the moment the reader and Ben stop being so stinkin' stubborn.

Reader POV

You lean your forehead against the cool window, watching the world flash by in a flurry of color. The wooded forests had vanished hours ago and all that was left were the yellowed sprawling fields of corn and grain and family farms that were laid sporadically along the interstate. Each one a little world that caught the flecks of golden sunlight as the sun began to peak above the horizon.

The bus rolled smooth and steady over the weathered pavement towards it's destination and was filled with an odd assortment of people young and old. There was man with a brightly colored parrot that had been singing "It's A Small World After All" since you left NYC, a woman with a little boy playing with an iPad and who refused to turn down the volume no matter how many times his mother asked him to, a group of teenagers a few seats up that continued to pass around a flask, and due to how far back you were sitting on the bus an uncomfortable smell emanated from the bathroom each time the door was opened.

But you didn't notice any of it.

The only thing on your mind were the events that happened almost twenty hours ago. They continued to circle your mind, playing over and over again like a perverted cassette tape making you sink further into the worn cloth covered seat at the back of the bus. The images were haunting, some new and some old, but all the more still horrible to re-live.

The song "Nights In White Satin" floating into the backseat of your family's car, the flash of unnatural light you knew was never lightning, the caskets at your parent's funeral covered in flowers that were much to pretty to lay on something so morbid, Elijah's body succumbing to the poppies that ripped him apart, the proud sneer on your brother's face when he admitted to killing your parents, Darren's broken and bloodied body strewn in pieces over the street with the creature standing over him with a dripping red maw, the ruined building that housed "Please Don't Die" reduced to nothing more than rubble, and the look on Ben's face when you turned your back on him and fled the scene.

For some reason that particular image seemed to cling on to you and refused to fade. You'd never seen him look that way, almost… helpless and a little fearful. In all the time you'd known him, Ben had never looked at you that way. Sure you'd seen him proud, angry, cocky, lustful, mischievous, but never fearful. And you were sure that it wasn't an emotion that he was used to feeling, but that begged the question… why?

Why was he looking at me like that? Why wouldn't he let me go? And what was he afraid of?

The creature curled in your lap snorts something in it's sleep, turning it’s head further into the cradle of your elbow to shut out the brilliant early morning sunlight. It was now the size of a toaster and had warranted several odd looks whenever you got off to change buses, but you didn't care.

You weren't sure about anything anymore. Everything your brother confessed to you made you feel like you were living a lie and the revelation of exactly what your powers could do- take life from plants to heal yourself, create whatever the hell it was on your lap, and speak to plants… it scared you.

You thought for so long that you knew everything about your powers, that you were in control, but now you weren't sure.

You felt different, as if something had unlocked deep down that you couldn't shut up again.

You'd felt different after you killed Elijah, but this was more alive, weaving and twisting in the pit of your stomach. You felt more connected to the earth, to the world outside the bus even though you were divided by glass and metal. You could feel the energy that thrummed through the body of the creature on your lap, bending to your will, the life force of the plants it was formed from molding with you, becoming a part of you.

You felt so different than the person you had been before Darren entered the shop, so uncertain, and there was only one place you wanted to be when you felt like this… home. You couldn't wait to run up the worn front steps of your grandmother's house and into her arms. She always knew what to say in times like this.

And you desperately needed the comfort of her embrace.

The phone in your pocket buzzes again and you flip the screen to see the ridiculous selfie Annie and you had taken on Halloween last year. The one that you'd both spent dressed up as the two brothers from your favorite paranormal tv show. It wasn't the first time she'd called. Annie had called and texted you more times than you could count over the past twenty hours but you didn't answer her. You didn’t want to.

It was the first time that you didn't want to talk to her, but talking to her meant that you'd have to re-live all of it again and you were clawing at the last shred of sanity you had left to keep it together.

The overwhelming waves of emotion kept pummeling you, dragging you deeper beneath the white surf. Each one brought the memories of what happened surging over you and were followed by everything that Darren said to you. Years of taking care of Darren and doing whatever he wished were tearing at your soul, years of giving up little things in your life to make him happy, and years of taking care of a man who you thought cared about you, but hated you enough to kill your parents and try to kill you too.

It made your skin crawl. Each time your brother told you that he loved you was an even bigger lie and now that you knew the truth and saw him for what he was, it felt like you were drowning. The darkness that ebbed just on the edge was begging you to leap into the abyss, but you were resisting the best you could.

The tears had stopped falling miles ago, but you couldn't stop the memories or the emotion that formed a cold ball in the pit of your stomach.

A sigh works it's way up and you pull your legs on the seat underneath you, jostling the creature on your lap that raises it's head for a moment to blink it's black eyes at you sleepily.

It was surprisingly docile right now, especially considering that twenty hours ago it had ripped your brother to shreds. In fact it seemed to understand how upset you were and had spent the better part of the last twenty hours rubbing it's head against your arm as if trying to bring you some comfort. It was settled on your lap, the weight of it a comfort, almost like a weighted plushy that gave you something to focus on.

"It's alright buddy." You whisper, scratching him under his chin. "We're almost home."

The phone in your jacket pocket buzzes again, but when you pull it out to turn it off, you catch a glimpse of the screen, and you hesitate. Because this time it's not Annie who's calling, it’s Ben.

The picture that flashes on the screen under the contact name "Gramps" is the picture of Mr. Fredrickson from Up. It always made you smile whenever he called you and you saw the picture because Ben did often remind you of him. He was certainly just as grumpy as Mr. Fredrickson and just as out of touch, but you thought it was cute.

Your thumb hovers over the answer button and you think about talking to him.

But what would I say?

You weren't sure what to say to him, or why you wanted to speak to him so badly, why you wanted him to be sitting here on the bus with you as you went home, and why you wanted him to hold you against his chest while you allowed yourself to break, but you did. You wanted to feel his awkward shoulder pat and his awkward version of hand holding and you wanted to hear him try to tell you to "buck up" or whatever he thought that a comforting word should be.

He's really not the best at that.

You smile to yourself at the memory of how he tried to comfort you back at the hospital, but the longer you sit there and look down at the picture on the screen the worse you feel.

Maybe that scared you more than your newfound powers, how much you were realizing that you needed him, how much you depended on him when things got too much for you to bear. The memory of him appearing as soon as you needed him back at the shop, another of him grabbing Darren and throwing him into the street as soon as Darren insulted you comes in a flash, and finally followed by the memory of Ben carrying you out of Elijah's office while you curled into his chest. You couldn't remember too much from that moment, in fact you'd thought that Ben had kissed you on top of your head, but you ascribed that to the haze of pain you'd been in from your broken arm.

What you did remember was how wonderfully warm he was after you'd been trapped in that damn freezer and how nice it felt to be in his arms. Another memory of Ben sleeping on the couch at the hospital bubbles up and you feel something in your chest begin to crack open. And you try your best to tell yourself the same thing that you always do when you feel like Ben might care more about you that he was letting on.

Ben doesn't want that. He's made it perfectly clear. He doesn't want a relationship. He's only wants one night, that's why he goes out with all those women-

You hesitate, thumb still hovering over the answer button as you do, the memory of the week you'd spent at the apartment with him flickering in the back of your mind. The week where he refused to leave you alone in the apartment, where he refused to do any jobs for Butcher, where he took care of you the best way he could, when he sat with you on the couch and made you laugh with his ridiculous movies, and the week where he hadn't had one date.

Your finger itched to answer the phone, but you couldn't, because you didn't want to feel this way about Ben, not when he'd told you countless times that you kept romanticizing him, not when he told you that he didn't want a relationship, and not when you could feel yourself beginning to fall for someone you thought was the wrong man.

For just a moment you tried to pretend that it was different, that he was different, but you didn't want to. It only made it hurt more.

The phone stops ringing, but the pit in your stomach still gapes open at you and for the first time in twenty hours you feel tears begin to fall. You didn't know why you were crying about this, why the thought of not picking up Ben's phone call seemed to hurt more than everything that had happened, but something made it hurt.

The bus driver announces over the overhead that you're reaching your final destination as he takes the exit for your hometown. The familiar buildings that line the streets are sheathed in a honeyed glow from the sun, the long shadow of the bus darkening them momentarily as it rumbles down the small streets to the bus station.

When it rumbles to a stop at the bus station you wait for everyone else to get off, trying to summon the strength to stand, and swipe the back of your hand across your face to rid yourself of the remaining tears.

The bus station was about a thirty minute walk from your grandmother's house, and you still hadn't called her. You didn't know what to say, didn't know how to tell her that Darren was dead and that he was the reason why your parents were dead.

The creature crawls up your body to drape it's warm body over the back of your neck as you stand. It wasn't bothering to hide, besides the people in your hometown already thought that you were odd because you were a supe and you'd always welcomed it. You give him a scratch on top of his head and his warm tongue flicks on the bottom of your earlobe as if thanking you before it curls further into the side of your neck, seeking warmth.

The first few steps on solid ground are shaky, but you find the strength while taking in a deep cleansing breath of the outside world, letting the gentle warmth of the sun and the tickle of the autumn breeze pull at your coat. You hadn't stopped at your apartment before coming here, instead you had stumbled your way to the bus station covered in dust, flecked in blood, and demanded the first ticket back to Illinois. It was lucky that the next bus was leaving immediately, because you didn’t want to spend another second in NYC, not when all you wanted was to be home.

Plus you were worried that someone had recorded what exactly happened outside the plant shop and you didn't want to get arrested.

It was self defense anyway. Maybe Jake would represent me in court.

The thought of Jake makes you twinge. You hadn't checked to see if he was alright before you ran from the scene. Not to mention you'd destroyed the shop he'd put all his life savings into after he stopped being a lawyer.

Oh fuck, what if he sues me? He can't exactly sue Darren…

You hear someone call your name and you open your eyes.

Your grandmother is standing in front of the same baby blue pickup truck that she'd had longer than you've been alive, wearing a long multicolored skirt and a pressed white blouse tucked elegantly into it. Her silver hair is loose and long, curling over her shoulders in gentle waves. She looks the same way she looked one week ago when she left, and you've never seen anything so beautiful in your life.

You're running before you can stop yourself, crumbling into her warm embrace, with more tears streaking down your face, but she doesn't mind.

"Shh. It's alright honey." She whispers, rubbing her hand over your back, her embrace steady and surprisingly strong. "Let's go home."

Her home is the same as it's always been. A two story Victorian house painted in a happy yellow shade, with a white wrap around porch and two white rocking chairs sitting empty on the front porch. You'd spent more nights than you could count rocking silently beside her with a crochet project in your lap listening to the rain fall and soak the world outside, while the plants sang praises with every gentle bend beneath the heavy droplets.

You could barely remember the home you spent in your early years with your parents, not when you'd spent most of your childhood spending the night here and after your parents died living here permanently. There was still a large oak tree were a wooden swing swung in the slight breeze on the left side of the yard, a gardenia bush that stretched as high as the second story on the right side of the house and brushed it's soft leaves against the sunshine colored outer walls, a garden filled with both flowering plants and herbs that perked up on both sides of the front yard as you walked up the path, and a cobblestone path that Annie and you had spent hours of your shared childhood covering in chalk art.

Neither of you were good, but when the rain would fall and smudge the clean lines, you'd jump in the puddles that pooled along the walkway singing the lyrics to ABBA's "Cassandra" not quite understanding what it meant.

Standing here outside your house made you miss Annie and feel worse about not calling or texting her back, but you didn't feel like talking about what happened and you were sure that Butcher filled her in. The only thing that you wanted was to collapse in your bedroom upstairs and curl under the comforters.

Despite everything the house was a welcome sight, but at the same time it was different. You could feel the plants calling out to you, asking for you, bending towards you just to touch your shoes as you walked by. You'd never felt so connected with them before, not even when you were in your apartment or working at the shop. It was overwhelming.

And although a part of you was frightened by it, another part of you rejoiced in it. You didn't feel alone, didn't feel weak, and you knew that you never would ever again.

The creature nuzzled into the side of your neck with a sigh, soaking up the sun's healing rays as you walked up the front steps with your grandmother following behind you silently. She hadn't spoken since she picked you up at the bus station and you hadn't supplied anything in the ten minute car ride back to her house.

You didn't know where to start and you were still trying to process everything yourself.

The inside of her house was just as cozy and warm as it was the day you moved out. There were photos of your parents and you covering the walls (Darren's had been placed in the closet long ago), half-finished knitting projects sorted in different baskets on both the dining room table and the living room coffee table, spools of yarn were strewn over the couch sorted by color, and the fresh smell of gardenia wafted through the open windows on the breeze.

It was home. This was what you'd been missing the moment everything began to crash over you, but as you stood there in the familiar living room it felt like something was missing. Something tugged at the back of your mind, but you couldn't put your finger on it.

There was something or rather someone that should be here, but you didn't know what or who. And your mind supplied Annie, but you weren't sure that's who you meant.

"Let's have some tea." Your grandmother says from behind you and you feel her soft hands come down on your shoulders to steer you through the familiar creative chaos and into the large kitchen at the back of the house.

The kitchen isn't spared from the madness, it rarely was. There are boxes upon boxes of cookies in different stages of being packaged all over the counter, dirty bowls and a measuring cup stacked in the sink, and a large opened bag of chocolate chips spilling over the flour covered kitchen island.

It wasn't unusual to find the kitchen or the house in a state of chaos, your grandmother always said that a house should look lived in and that the mess was part of the fun of any major project as long as you were responsible enough to clean it up.

"Bake sale?" You ask as you sit down in the breakfast nook, uttering the first words that you'd said to another human being in twenty hours.

The next breath that you inhale was supposed to be cleansing, but you can still feel a weight pressing down on your chest, the same one that settled in the moment everything happened with Darren.

You contemplate again how you're going to tell her that Darren is dead and was the reason why your parents died.

Damn it Darren.

"Mhmm." She hums, filling the well used red kettle. "Annie's mother practically cornered me in the supermarket yesterday and begged me to make cookies. I love Annie, but her mother needs someone to pull that stick out of her ass. It's been up there for so long that I'm sure it's rotten."

The creature crawls down from your shoulders and down your arm to sniff at one of the chocolate chip cookies nearest you. It hadn't eaten since…

Darren.

You wince slightly at the thought and hope that you hadn't created something that needed and craved human flesh. The last thing you wanted to unleash on the world was Audry two especially in the wake of Homelander.

Truthfully you were waiting for the guilt at killing your brother to come, but it never had and you wondered if it ever would.

Probably not. He deserved that, he killed our parents, he tried to kill me, he tried to kill Ben.

The thought of Ben again makes a lump form in the back of your throat. You didn't know what was happening to you only that you felt guilty for leaving him like that, for yelling at him to let you go, and just vanishing on him when he probably thought that you were going back to the apartment.

He doesn't know where I am. Maybe that's why he tried to call, because he got back to the apartment and couldn't find me there and he was worried. You press your lips together. Yeah. Worried. Right.

"Honey?" Your grandmother says in a soothing voice

You look up from the box of chocolate chip cookies that you didn't remember picking up. Even the creature is looking at you with an expression that you can only explain as worry.

"Yeah?" Your voice shakes slightly.

She's leaning back against the counter, arms crossed over her chest, head tilted slightly to the side, her beautiful grayed hair pulled up in an elegant bun, but in her eyes you can see genuine concern. "Fuck." She sighs after a minute.

You blink in surprise. It was the first time that you'd ever heard her say that word in your entire life.

"I shouldn't have left." She breathes. "I told Ben to look out for you. I told him, that little bastard was bound to show up again and what did he do? He left you at that plant shop alone with no protection!"

You'd only seen her really angry a handful of times in your lifetime. Like you, your grandmother often had a gentle disposition and didn't get angry unless the situation called for it.

I mean, Darren admitted to killing our parents and then got fucking ripped apart. But how does she know about any of that? I haven't told her…

"How did you know that he left me there? Did Ben call you?" You ask putting down the box of cookies.

An odd expression crosses her face, as if she's contemplating something. "No." She hesitates again. "I saw it."

"No." Your grandmother hesitates. "I saw it."

"You saw it?" You repeat, confused.

What's going on?

"Too late of course, but I'm a little rusty. I was able to warn Ben that Darren was coming back. That's how he got there so quickly or rather-" She shrugs sheepishly. "He got there in time to make sure that Darren didn't get you to forgive him. Which you shouldn't have at all, but I know he's always had a talent for manipulating you."

"What?"

Is she saying what I think she's saying?

Instead of explaining further your grandmother walks out of the kitchen, leaving the kettle behind on the stove and you in a state of utter confusion.

Is she saying that she can see the future? Because that would mean that she's a supe and there's only one supe in history that I know of that can do that. A supe that no one has seen in over forty years.

You can hear her open the door to the closet under the stairs and the sound of her sifting through all the junk that the two of you had shoved in there over the years instead of finding the right place to put it.

When she comes back into the kitchen, she's holding a giant cardboard file box that you'd never paid attention to each time you opened the closet to find something. Your eyes shift from the box to her still not comprehending exactly what she was saying.

"I probably should have told you this a while ago, but…" She trails off and nods her head at the box before turning back to the kettle on the stove that has begun to scream. "I kept putting it off."

The box is old, worn at the edges, and theres a musty black fabric beneath a collection of yellowed photographs. You pull out the one on top to examine it.

Ben is standing there in his full Soldier Boy regalia outside of Vought tower and the woman standing next to him is Soothsayer. The outfit she wore was familiar, a black-skin tight suit with a blind fold tied over her eyes.

Soothsayer was a supe who could see the future and who was apart of Payback, a supe that had vanished a year before the mission in Nicaragua and no one knew where she went. There were rumors that she'd died and that she'd been a Russian spy, but you'd never believed them. You'd heard Butcher talk about how he tried to find her when he was trying to figure out what happened to Soldier Boy, but he never had. Said that the trail went cold.

But now you knew where she went, because she was standing directly in front of you.

She's Soothsayer? Holy fuck that's why Ben kept accusing her of cheating in the poker game because he knew that she could see the future.

"You were Soothsayer?" You gasp. "But why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me?"

She continues to measure the tea leaves. "I didn't tell anyone."

"Grandpa didn't know? But he was alive when you were a supe?"

Your grandfather had never spoken about a history with supes that you remember.

"No." She turns to look at you, a hurt expression crossing over her face for a minute. "Well, I know that I said I was going to have tea, but if we're going to talk about this I'm going to need something a little bit stronger."

Your grandmother opens a cabinet under the stove an pulls out an enormous bottle of scotch. Truth be told you'd never seen her drink more than just a glass of wine, to see her like this was about as shocking as seeing a polar bear sunning itself on a Florida beach.

"Do you still want the blueberry tea or do you need something a little stronger?" She looks back over her shoulder at you as she pulls down a glass for herself.

"I think I need something stronger." You answer honestly.

Learning about everything Darren had done was one thing, but finding out that your grandmother used to be a famous supe and that she never told you about it was another thing. It was like looking at another person. You'd always loved your grandmother's gentle way, her care for her community and her family soft, but now you weren't sure you really knew who she was.

She sits down across from you and hands you a glass of the amber colored liquid. There's a heavy silence that hangs between the two of you as she tries to find a way to start. The photo of her and Ben is laying on top of what you realize is her uniform inside the box and she smiles down at the photo, just a little twitch at the corner of her lips.

"I met Ben when I was twenty three years old." She begins taking a sip from the glass. "Legend 'discovered' me. I had the injection of Compound V maybe two years before that, not when I was born, but I hadn't gotten popular. Other powers were much more flashy and by then there were so many heroes coming out of the woodwork that someone with the ability to see the future didn't seem as marketable."

There's something reflected in her blue eyes, the same eyes your father had, that you can't place. "I had just moved to New York, I had no money, and the way I was getting it was by pretending to be a fortune teller and betting on some sports events on the side. It wasn't hard to prove that I could see the future, the past was more difficult, but Legend somehow stumbled into my shop and figured out that I was a supe. And he didn't think I was too bad looking so he helped me get big."

"You pretended to be a fortune teller?"

She snorts into her glass. "Mhmm. People really will believe anything if they're desperate enough and back then there was so much turmoil going on with Russia that people were scared and wanted to feel comforted. My job provided some of that."

"But why did you walk away from it if you were such a big hero." You ask. "Everyone knew your name, you were-"

Your grandmother raises an eyebrow at you and you fall silent so she can continue. "When I got onto Payback that's when everything exploded for me, the films, the commercials, the ridiculous ads." She sighs. "That's also when I met Ben."

You take a sip from the glass in front of you, sputtering slightly. It was stronger than you were expecting. "And you two were-"

Please don't say dating, please don't say dating, please don't say…

"Friends. Just friends." Diana sits back against the back of the breakfast nook, sinking into the navy blue pillows. "But he is almost as charming now as he was then."

You cringe at the thought of Ben coming on to a younger version of your grandmother.

She taps her glass with her index finger deep in thought. "But I think that I was the only person that Ben actually talked to, the only person that he was comfortable being around."

"What do you mean?" You ask confused. "Didn't he talk to Countess and to Legend?"

Her expression hardens at the mention of Countess's name. "He didn't talk to her the way he talked to me. Ben is difficult, he always has been and I think that most of the people he meet him write him off as this asshole with a chauvinistic look on the world, but he's not. At least, not all the time. There are so many people that he's met that are never willing to take a chance on him. To trust that there is really something beneath all of that bravado."

It was what you had been thinking for the past week, that there was more to Ben than he was willing to let people see, but you were slowly realizing that Ben was letting you see those parts. In the quiet moments at your shared apartment when he sat with you while you read or made you laugh or walked you to and from work you saw another side of Ben that you never saw when he was around anyone else. The guilt rises again when you think of how you ran from him, how you turned your back and left him standing there to clean up your mess.

I shouldn’t have done that, but it was all just so overwhelming and I didn't want to talk to anyone.

"I think that Ben is the most loyal friend I ever had. No one ever seems to believe me when I say that. That we were just friends, but nothing happened between us."

"You didn't date? Or sleep together?" You ask cautiously. It was difficult to imagine Ben being friends with a woman and not having a sexual relationship with her.

Well. We're friends, but that's different.

The last thing you wanted to think about was Ben and your grandmother having sex.

I would need so much therapy after that. You sigh. Yeah, because after all the shit I've been through and found out about my life in the last twenty hours, the knowledge that Ben fucked my grandmother is what's going to push me over the edge.

"No." She shakes her head with a small smile. "About a week after I met Ben, I was running late to a movie shoot and I stepped off the crosswalk without looking. There was a car coming and I didn't see it. Ironic isn't it?" She laughs at herself. "I can see the future and I didn't see a car coming, but your grandfather did and he grabbed the back of my jacket and yanked me onto the sidewalk, saved my life. And the second my eyes locked with his I saw our future. I saw our wedding, our first house, I saw our son take his first steps and I saw how much I would love him and how much he would love me." She clears her throat for a minute, her fingers tighten on the glass, and her gaze drops to the wedding ring on her left hand. “The future is never set in stone, it’s fluid. It morphs and shapes with your decisions, but in the future I saw, I was so happy. And I didn’t want to lose that.”

Your grandfather had passed a few years ago, but you knew it weighed on her everyday. She had spent the week after he died in her room not saying anything to anyone. And sometimes she'd look out the window into the backyard with an odd expression, but you knew that meant she was thinking of him.

Growing up you'd seen how in love the two of them were, more so than your parents. Seen the flowers your grandfather always brought home just because he was thinking of her, watched him do little things around the house without being asked, saw how they never walked away angry from one another, and seen the soppy expression he'd get when he watched your grandmother move around the kitchen baking with a grace that you'd never possessed.

You reach across the table to touch her hand and she takes it gratefully.

"I didn't want to tell him that I was a supe, and at the beginning I thought I could balance it all, but then Ben started dating Countess." She takes another sip from her glass. "She hated me."

"What? Why?" You ask. The creature crawls across the table to sniff at the glass in front of you, before it snorts and falls into your lap, curling into a ball.

"Countess was a bitch." Your grandmother says mirthlessly, her expression hardening. "She wanted to possess Ben completely. Only loved how famous he was, how popular it made her, and he threw himself at her feet, in his own way, not understanding that love didn’t look that way. He’s never had a good example of it in his life. And she never understood that Ben and I were just friends. By then I had been dating your grandfather for a few months and things were getting serious. It was about a year before everything that happened in Nicaragua."

She presses her lips together as if remembering what happened to Ben there. "She was jealous, possessive, and she came to me one night. Ben was out of town for a film so she knew we wouldn’t be interrupted. She threatened to tell your grandfather who I really was and threatened to kill him.” Her jaw sets. “My powers were never really as offensive as hers were. And she said that Ben wouldn’t ever protect me over her because he loved her and would do anything to make her happy. So I left and I never looked back.”

And here I thought I couldn't hate Countess any more than I did for what she did to Ben.

“You didn’t talk to him ever again?” You wonder out loud.

She left without telling him goodbye?

“There was the occasional phone call. Sometimes Ben would ask me to see who was going to win a ball game or something so he could make a few bucks. He stopped by to say hi a few times because he was in the neighborhood. One time he brought your father a baseball glove that was way too big for a one year old.” She snorts, the memory flashing in her eyes. “I always thought Ben would be a good dad some day. But I think seeing your father was when Ben realized how much he wanted to have kids. And I think seeing the way your grandfather treated me made him start to feel conflicted about Countess. But he respected that I walked away, he saw that I was happy.”

“But what about Nicaragua?"

A dark look crosses her face followed by something that looks suspiciously like guilt. “I saw what they were going to do to him.”

“What? But why didn't you tell him what they were planning? Why didn't you-"

"I tried." She snaps, shoulders tense, but then they drop. "I called Ben, but Stan answered. By then your father was turning two, your grandfather had opened up his practice, and Stan threatened me, he knew where we were and knew everything about us. So I kept my mouth shut and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

You could feel your heart breaking for her.

Ben was her best friend and she had to sit by and watch them do that to him. She saw what they were going to do and they were going to kill her for it, kill my family for it.

The anger that surges in your chest makes the creature in your lap stir and grow a few inches, but you tamp it down before it gets bigger than a small dog.

“Does Ben know?” You ask her to distract yourself.

You didn't want Ben to hate your grandmother for this, didn't want him to hate her for something that wasn't her fault.

She nods. “Yes. I told him everything.”

“When?”

“The moment I saw him in your hospital room. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I wasn't expecting him to be there, but it all poured out of me. I was so surprised to see him there. I hadn't seen a future where he came back."

“Was he mad?”

I mean… he didn't seem mad when I woke up, not to mention he was upset when she left to come back to Illinois.

“Not at me.” She shakes her head. “He knew how much I wanted a normal life and how much I loved your grandfather. He doesn’t blame me for any of it.”

“Good. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

The glass in front of you is still more than half-full but you don't want to risk another sip of what you're sure is gasoline packaged to look like Scotch. Your grandmother reaches to pour herself another glass.

“I didn’t want to until you were ready.”

“And when would that be?”

Your grandmother shrugs. “Maybe on my deathbed.”

You weren't angry for her not telling you, more surprised, but now that you knew everything about her it was hard to see her the same way you had.

You snort. “And no one knew?”

“Your dad figured it out.”

“How? When?”

“The moment you made that strawberry plant grow from your high chair.” She shakes her head with a smile. “It skipped a generation. Don’t know why, but you got it all somehow.”

“I was never injected?”

“No. That was a lie your father created. He knew that your grandfather didn't know and he knew that I didn't want your grandfather to know."

“Darren thought I was.”

“I know.”

At the mention of your brother's name, you watch her expression harden and she takes another swig from the glass in front of her, not flinching as the liquid goes down her throat.

“Did you see everything that happened?” You ask in a small voice.

You still weren't 100% sure how it was her powers worked, but you figured that she was able to see some of what Darren did and what he said.

“Yes.”

“You heard everything Darren said?"

“Yes.”

You chew the inside of your cheek for a minute hoping that she didn't take it as hard as you did. “Did you know that he killed them?”

“No.” She breathes, rolling the glass between her hands for a moment. “The night they died, I got a vision a few minutes before the car ran off the road. I was the one who called the police and who told them where to look, but I never saw that it was Darren or that it was anyone causing the accident. All I saw was the three of you in the car. I should have known.” Her voice breaks.

“It’s not your fault.” You squeeze her hand.

“And it’s not yours either.” She squeezes your hand back.

The memories are beginning to float up from the recesses of your mind and your teeth clench together as you try to keep them at bay.

“I know.” You breathe. The memory of the ruined shop flashes through your head. “I didn’t know that I could do something like that.” You gently touch your healed right arm and glance at the creature that is nibbling on the edge of the cardboard box with its sharp splinter-like teeth. “I feel so different and I don’t know how to go back to the way I was.”

“I don’t think you ever will.”

"Really?"

The thought was unwelcome. You were hoping that all of this was going to blow over, but you knew it wouldn't. Your powers had changed. There was an energy that thrummed in your veins now, stretching out of the house to the plants that grew in the garden. You could feel them all if you concentrated.

She frowns. “When you told me that you were working for Butcher I was worried about you getting involved in the supe world. I didn’t want that life for you, didn’t want you to suffer the way I did-“

“Was it really that bad?"

“Not all the time, just at the end. But I think that’s why I loved your grandfather so much. Because he was different than all the supes. He was down to earth, not just normal but-“ She shrugs. “I think Compound V does something to our minds, makes them more susceptible and when you’re surrounded by people using their powers and thinking that they’re gods it’s easy to lose who you are. I was glad I left when I did."

“Great." You huff, thinking about how your powers had grown exponentially since you killed your brother. It was scaring you to think that you would reach a point where you acted like Homelander, where you saw yourself as a god and killed anyone who stood in your way.

As tired as the stereotype of you only being able to make the flowers grow, you liked doing that. You liked healing plants, tending to them, and helping them grow. For you it had never been about using your powers the way that you had to kill Elijah and your brother and had always been about spreading a little more joy and love like your grandmother did with her kindness in her community.

Your mind flashes back to the first night that Ben stayed with you in your apartment and he'd asked you why you worked for Butcher and told you that he thought you "didn't fit."

Before you hadn't. You knew that. You weren't intimidating to look at or fueled by revenge or had a bone to pick with supes. You'd joined because you thought it was the right thing to do and because you wanted to be closer with Annie. She had been so involved in the supe world and you'd felt like you were losing your best friend. When in reality being at "Please Don't Die" was the only thing that felt natural for you.

You could feel yourself changing and you weren't sure that you wanted to and you weren't sure if you were changing for the better. Deep down you still felt like you, despite everything Darren had revealed, but your powers were greater than you'd thought they could be.

“No.” She squeezes your hand pulling you out of your head. “I don’t see you losing yourself in this.”

“You’ve seen-“ Your eyes widen.

“The future yeah.” Her lips twitch up at the ends in a smile. “It is what I do.”

“That’s so weird.”

You hadn't meant to say it, but you really didn't want to know too much about your future.

Well, not all that much. Maybe just a little.

“You of all people have no right to judge what’s weird. Not with Godzilla sitting in your lap.”

"Godzilla" yawns, flashing a mouthful of his pointy teeth, before settling back down on your thighs.

You smile for the first time in twenty hours, but then it drops. “I don’t like losing control. I thought I knew who I was but now I don’t-“ The emotions were bubbling up again, chest tightening, and lungs beginning to gasp for air. “I don’t know who I am anymore or what I am or what I can do and-“

“There’s nothing wrong with not being in control.”

“But what if I hurt someone? What if I kill-“ You body shakes as you think about all the important people in your life, Annie, Hughie, Butcher, Kimiko, MM, Frenchie- and then your mind stutters on Ben.

“Your powers are growing and there’s nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of. If you’re afraid of them it won’t get easier for you. You have to embrace the fear to see the lights that line the path through it.”

"I killed Darren, I killed Elijah-"

"Not because you lost control. You did it because you were protecting yourself and protecting your friends."

"But-"

"Who is it that you're scared of hurting? Annie?" Her expression turns sympathetic. "Annie is a supe and understands what it's like to lose control. None of us are in control all the time and it's ridiculous to believe that you won't lose control at least once."

Your throat clenches tightly, because when she asked the question you didn't see Annie's face, you saw Ben's. You knew that it was probably ridiculous to worry about hurting a guy with a nuclear reactor stuffed in his chest or a guy who'd been through every torture known to man, but you were. And you weren't entirely sure if you meant hurting him with just your powers.

Tears crest and fall down your cheeks as you sit there, throat thickening. "I don't want to hurt Ben."

"He's a little more indestructible than us sweetie." She cracks a smile, but you can't smile back and you don't answer because you're unsure how to.

She sits back against the breakfast nook and sighs, examining your face and slowly realizes what you mean. "Ben is complicated. He always has been. I like to think that most of it, is his father's fault. Has he told you anything about him?"

You shake your head.

"He was a dick. Made Ben think that he was a disappointment his whole life. I don't think that Ben has had someone love him unconditionally since his mother died. And loving Countess only made it worse for him. Her love was jealous, possessive, and I don't think that he's really come to terms with what real love should look like." She lets out a breath, tapping her index finger against the glass. "I never saw him as more than a friend, but I do love him. It's not a crime to love him."

"I don't love him." You say it immediately.

"Why not?"

"What?" You sputter. "I don't know what you're-"

"Tell me why you don't love him." Your grandma says methodically, as if she's trying to talk you through it.

"Because I-" The pressure was back in the back of your throat and you couldn't quite meet her eye. "Because-" You scramble for the answer, trying your darndest to keep your heart from clenching in your chest. "I want what you and grandpa had, what Annie and Hughie have, and what my parents had. A strong relationship with someone who sees all my flaws, the little parts, and the darkness and still choses to fall in love with me anyway. I don't want just one night I want every night. I want something real and Ben has said countless times that he-"

"So you've talked about it with Ben?" She raises an eyebrow.

"Only because he kept trying to sleep with me and I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him." You reply exasperated.

"You don't?"

"Gran!"

"What? He's attractive."

"It doesn't matter. None of it does. Because Ben has said that he doesn't have relationships, that he doesn't care about feelings, or emotions." Saying the words that Ben had told you countless times made something inside begin to shrivel up and die. "And I do. And I don't want to manipulate him into being something he's not or force him into a relationship that's doomed from the beginning. Ben is Ben. He's not changing or-"

"He has." She interrupts.

"What?"

"The Ben I saw in your hospital room is not the one I knew." She says it so matter of fact that makes it hard to breathe. "And neither was the one that I saw in your apartment when I stayed with you. I mean he is in essence Ben, but-"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"He is changing. Not completely, but he's acting differently than when he was with Countess. I mean, I saw all the things he did for her. The way he was around her."

"Why does that matter?"

"Because he loved her."

The words make your heart seize in your chest. "Ben doesn't love me. He's my roommate and my friend-" It was the same thing that you kept telling yourself on repeat to beat back the other feelings that you hadn't quite identified yet. "And he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship and that I should try to meet other people."

That last part was a lie, but you honestly didn't know where she was going with this conversation or why it was getting so hard to breathe.

"Have you thought that maybe Ben doesn't want to love you because he's scared?"

"He doesn't love me and Ben isn't afraid of anything."

"He is. It might not look the same way on him as it does on everyone else, but if you pay close enough attention you can catch it." She hesitates. "And I think if you pay attention to you, you'll see what it is that you're afraid of too."

What does she mean? What the hell am I afraid of? Ben isn't afraid of anything, he's practically shouted that from the mountaintops like Julie Andrews.

"I already told you what I'm afraid of."

"I'm not talking about you hurting someone honey. There's something else that you refuse to admit to yourself because you're scared." She smiles sadly at you. "You should though, because when you embrace it, what comes after is really beautiful." There's a far off look in her eyes and you realize that she'd seen something further ahead that she wasn't letting on.

"And it's all I want for you. To be happy." Your grandmother stands from the other side of the booth "I think you need some rest. You drove all night long and I doubt you got any sleep. And I have to package all of these before Annie's mother calls down the four horsemen of the Apocalypse on me."

"Wait-"

"Please sweetie." She lays her hand down on your arm. "I think you'll feel a little better about all of this when you've had some rest." Her fingers raise to push back some of the hair that's fallen forward into your eyes. "Hmm?"

You didn't want to rest, you wanted to talk about this, but you knew better than to argue with her. Not to mention she was right, you hadn't slept.

"And when you wake up I'll make your favorite for dinner, alright?" She smiles, but there's something behind it that you can't place.

"Okay."

And this time you don't argue with her. You go up the worn staircase that you have your entire life and collapse onto your bed, wondering exactly what it was she saw your future hold, and what it is that you won't admit to yourself.

Soldier Boy POV

There was no light in the apartment save from the burning red tip of Ben's blunt and the bluish glow emanating from the tv that caught the dips and sharp edges of his face. But it was nothing more than background noise.

His hand absentmindedly stroked along Bean's back, his eyes focused on the ceiling above the couch. He hadn't moved in hours. It had been over twenty four hours since everything that happened at the plant shop, since you'd summoned a creature from the depths of the store, since Darren had thrown Ben through the plate glass windows of the bakery, and since Ben had last seen you.

He didn't understand why you hadn't let him take you back to the apartment and why it was that you had to leave. Ben hadn't liked the feeling that stabbed him in the chest when you turned your back on him and ran away. He'd felt the urge to comfort you the way he'd watched Hughie do for Annie in the car a week ago, but you hadn't let him.

Instead all he'd done is stood there and watched you run, still covered in dust, rubble, and blood. Worse was you hadn't let him check you for injuries and Ben hated the thought that you were hurt somewhere and he didn't know where you were.

You were so much more fragile than he was. He was realizing that more every day, was acutely aware of it after everything that happened with Elijah. Honestly, sitting there in the hospital with you laying there asleep with nothing that he could do, but wait for you to wake up had been agony. Not to mention that looking at the bruises around your throat, over your eye, and the bright green cast only made him feel worse. He'd never felt so helpless in his entire life and he hated it. Because Ben wasn't some helpless damsel in distress, he was a man and a man shouldn't wait on anyone or feel out of control, or at least, that's what he told himself.

Ben hears someone walk down the hallway outside the apartment and he perks up to listen, hoping that it's you finally coming home. Ben's mind stutters on the word "home." He'd lived many places in his life, apartments that felt more like way-stations, and the drafty cold mansion back in Philadelphia where he grew up, but neither felt like home. And although he hated how small your apartment was, it was the first place that Ben liked living in. He was starting to understand the word home.

But the feet keep moving past the apartment and Ben sinks into the couch cushions. Even Bean seems to be disappointed. "It's alright buddy." Ben mutters. "She'll come back."

But he wasn't sure.

Ben also wasn't used to feeling this way. It was close to the way that he felt when he went to Boston and was sitting in that damn hotel room waiting for something to happen and he still didn't understand what it meant. He didn't understand why he couldn't stand it that you weren't back yet. It made him feel like a woman waiting for her husband to get home from work when he told her that he was "running late." He'd tried to distract himself by looking at some possible prospects on Tinder, but just like the week after you'd come home from the hospital and just like the date he had in Boston, no one held any appeal.

His mind was awake and roaming around, pacing back and forth. The blunt was supposed to help, but it hadn't.

His phone chirps and Ben picks it up to look at the screen, but it's not you, it's Jake.

Jake: I know that I'm not your favorite person, but thank you for what you did.

Ben huffs and turns his phone face down on the couch once more. "What a fucking pussy."

When you left Ben had realized that Jake was still inside the building and as much as he wanted race after you, he understood that you'd be even more upset if you'd killed Jake. So Ben had tromped back through the building and found him trapped beneath some rubble. Jake was okay, just unconscious, but Ben had carried him out and put him on the sidewalk before he high tailed it out of there. The last thing that he wanted was to be caught with a shredded body outside a ruined building.

I didn't do it for him. I did it for her. Ben thinks to himself, looking down at the text message.

As much as he hated the thought of saving your future boyfriend, he didn't want to see what it did to you if you found out that you killed Jake, so he'd done it to avoid watching you cry again.

Ben didn't understand why he hated watching you cry.

Women cry. They're damn emotional all the time. He tries to reason with himself taking a puff from the blunt pinched between his thumb and forefinger. And she fucking cries way too much.

The image of you crying outside of the shop in the wake of everything that happened pricks something under his ribcage. Fuck.

Ben didn't feel remorse for what happened, well, the only thing he regretted was not getting there sooner and getting to fuck Darren up himself. When Diana had called him to tell him that Darren was coming, Ben had practically ripped the apartment door off in his haste to get back to you. He hadn’t wanted to leave you at the plant shop, but Butcher had told Ben, that he had a possible location for Darren, but it came up empty and Ben had been at Butcher's apartment chewing him out for sending him on a fucking wild goose chase.

It only made Ben more angry to allow Darren to speak to you, but he was trying to let you handle it even though he wanted to handle him. But it had brought him an unholy amount of joy to throw Darren in front of that minivan and to watch that creature tear him apart while the final whitish blue pulses of electricity jumped and crackled down the street making the streetlights shower sparks everywhere.

But Ben was more upset that Darren had been able to land a few hits on you before you killed him.

Ben remembered the giant lizard that crawled out of what was left of "Please Don't Die" and felt his lips quirk up into a smile. As much as he hated the entire situation, Ben couldn't help but feel a little surge of pride at what you'd done to your brother. He'd never seen you look so powerful standing there in the street, your eyes glowing a brilliant green, arms outstretched, and the ground trembling around you as the world begged to be unleashed.

Of course he'd been just as surprised as you were at the fact that you'd healed your broken arm. He wasn't sure if you'd noticed it yet, but you looked different too. There weren't as many lines on your face and your hair was more springy, the few silver hairs that Ben had noticed in passing were no longer there.

He wasn't sure what that meant, but there was something that felt suspiciously like hope tingling in his stomach, hope that you weren't as fragile anymore and hope that it meant you wouldn't die.

When Diana had told Ben that her husband had died, he saw the pain in her eyes when she said it, saw her relieving the memory, and for some reason as soon as she said that he was dead, the first thing Ben thought about was you. Ben hadn't considered his inability to age as much in the past, hadn't cared about outliving anyone before. Seeing Countess as an older woman had made him more aware of it. Looking at the woman who he once thought he loved, had showed him what that was like. Not that he had a problem with daring older women, Ben always thought that women really did get better with age, but it was what came next that Ben wasn't fond of.

And for some reason thinking that one day he'd wake up and see the marks of age on your face or one day he'd wake up and he wouldn't be able to annoy you or hear you yell at him made his chest tight.

Ben takes another hit of his blunt. The longer he sat there the more then unnatural feeling stirred in the pit of his stomach, thrumming through his veins, the feeling that he was trying to avoid. He thought that the joint would calm him down, but he found himself jumping at every creak and footstep in the apartment building, perking up each time and hoping that it was you coming home.

He didn't know where you were. You hadn't answered any of his texts or calls and Ben was ashamed at how many times that he had tried to call you.

Get a fucking grip. He'd thought to himself when he typed out another text message to send you, stopping himself from sending it.

But he'd been so desperate to hear from you that he'd actually gone to talk to Annie who seemed upset that she couldn't get ahold of you either. When Hughie and Annie had seen how upset Ben had been, Hughie had laid his hand on Ben's arm and told him not to worry. Ben had yelled at him that he "wasn't fucking worried and to mind his own business" and had shaken off Hughie's comforting hand before stomping out of the shared apartment.

No one else seemed to be as concerned about finding you. Butcher, MM, and Frenchie were all deeply involved in trying to figure out the cover-up for what happened outside the plant shop. By some miracle no one had caught a picture of your face, but there was little they could do about Darren's body that had been strewn across the street. Annie was having to deal with the repercussions at work, trying to handle what the news was calling a "super villain threat."

Personally, Ben thought that since they froze Homelander, the Seven looked weak and Ben believed that the superhero team that represented America shouldn't look weak. Of course before Ben had also thought that they looked like a bunch of pussies and again felt himself sink deeper into the couch when he thought about what his supposed son had become.

He shakes off the feelings he has about it and his thoughts turn back inevitably to you.

Ben wasn't used to thinking about someone as much as he thought of you, but each time he settled back into the apartment and you weren't there he was hyperaware of how quiet it was.

Maybe I should call Diana. She might know where she is.

As soon as Ben thinks that, his phone begins to ring, but Ben doesn't bother to look at who it is before he answers it.

"Hello?" Ben huffs out a breath of smoke that hangs in the air in front of his face, catching in the bluish light coming from the television.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" The voice on the other side of the line yells at him.

"Di?"

"Yes it's me. Who did you think it was? Santa Clause?" Your grandmother snarks.

"Why are you calling me and why the fuck are you so mad? What did I do?" Ben answers slightly annoyed.

As much as you got under his skin, your grandmother had been the same way. He actually thought that it was amusing that even before he figured out that she was your grandmother that he had often compared you to her in his mind. You had the same mannerisms, the same defiant and stubborn attitude that drove Ben up the wall, and you were just as beautiful as she was.

Ben was okay with admitting that he was attracted to you. To him that felt normal, it was the other feelings that he was conflicted about, the ones that he'd never felt before stirring in his chest that made him feel "too emotional" and "woman-like."

Truthfully, Ben was sure that if your grandmother had given him a shot that maybe he would have felt that way about her too. She was the only person that Ben actually trusted in the 80's, the only person that was brave enough to call him out on all his shit. You did that now. But he liked her husband also, so Ben was content with letting her go. He liked how happy that Henry, your grandfather, had made her. He knew that she wasn't happy as a supe and seeing her so happy and in love made Ben feel something that was close to happiness.

And it was seeing the way the two of them were together made Ben wonder if what he had with Countess was the same thing. Because he did have feelings about her that were different, but each time he went to visit Diana and saw your father playing on her lap he felt that there was something missing in his life.

It was the same way that he thought something was missing when you weren't in the apartment, but Ben hadn't realized that yet.

"Because I don't understand what the hell you're doing!" Diana replies and Ben honestly doesn't know why she's angry with him.

"About what?"

"My granddaughter."

Ben sits up the blunt in his fingertips forgotten. "Is she there with you?"

"Yes." Her voice softens for a moment.

Ben relaxes and leans back onto the couch, sighing in relief. "Good. That's good." Relief swelled in his chest when he thought about you staying with her, safe.

That's what she meant when she said that she wanted to go home. Home is with her grandmother. Ben stopped the next thought before he could go there.

The thought that home wasn't with him.

Ben was trying not to think about that or think about you hating him. He didn't think you did, well, didn't think you did anymore. At first it really was touch and go, but now he was almost eighty percent sure after you'd told him more than once that you weren't afraid of him and didn’t hate him that you sometimes wanted him around.

"No, not good."

"What do you mean? Is she okay?" Ben's grip on the phone tightens so hard that he's sure that he hears the screen cracking.

"No."

"What happened?" Ben's voice is a growl, the feelings of relief evaporating as soon as they had begun to bloom in his chest. He mentally calculated how long it would take him to get to you.

"Her entire life fucking fell apart and where are you? Not here!"

Oh. Ben relaxed a little bit.

"I don't need to be there." He says on an exhale of smoke.

"Yes you do!" Diana presses.

"No, I don't. She a big girl she doesn't need me there, she's-" Ben takes a puff from the joint.

“If you were any denser you’d be a Bundt cake Benjamin!” She says exasperated.

"What the fuck are you talking about doll? I am not-"

“Let me guess." She interrupts and Ben can imagine her tapping her foot. He hated when she did that. "You’re moping around smoking a blunt on the couch probably with a glass of something that you're hoping to numb whatever the hell it is you're feeling."

Ben's eyes shift to the bottle of whiskey on the coffee table that he hadn't touched in a few minutes.

“I’m not fucking moping and stop spying on me!” He snaps back at Diana.

He hated how well she knew him. She was his best friend in the 80's through all the shit, she had seen him at his worst and at his best too many times to count.

“I don’t have to use my powers to know what you’re doing. I know you Ben.”

"Sorry to disappoint you sweetheart.” Ben grits his teeth, temper flaring hot. “But if you know me as well as you fucking say you do then you then you know that this is-“

“You avoiding your feelings by acting aloof and brooding like a fucked up version of Mr. Darcy.” She interrupts.

She certainly hasn't changed.

“I am not avoiding-“

“She needs you here Ben.” Diana stamps her foot, the same way you do when Ben pisses you off, and Ben can hear it.

“She doesn’t need me! She said that she wanted to go home, that she didn’t want to be here with me! I tried to-“ Ben shouts back standing up. It was the exact thing that he'd been thinking for the past twenty four hours, that you didn’t need him and that you didn't want to be any where near him.

That last thought made an uncomfortable sensation prickle in his gut when he thought it, because all it did was remind him of how you acted when the two of you first met, when you didn't want him to live with you and tried your darndest to make him go away.

He didn’t want to and he wasn't sure why that was.

“Try harder.” Diana interrupts him again and frankly it was pissing him off.

Ben clenches his jaw. “I think that you’ve confused me with someone else baby.”

“Don’t you 'baby' me Benjamin! We both know that you’re doing what you always do when things get hard for you.”

“And what’s that?”

“You pretend not to care and shut out everyone who tries to care for you. Not to mention you drown yourself in drugs, booze, and women.”

“She doesn’t care about me!” He spits.

“She does!” Diana snaps back. “And believe it or not she needs you here and she wants you here.”

"But-"

"Ben please." It was the first time that he'd heard Diana sound softer and almost pleading since the conversation started. "Don't do this to her. She's worth more than Countess and all those other women you've fallen into bed with."

"Do you really think I don't know that?" He roars. The answer surprises himself. "Do you think I don't know that she's different?"

Wait what?

"If you know that, then why aren't you here?"

He hesitates.

Everything you said to him the night of the party comes roaring back. You looking beautiful in a dress that made his throat tight, and you telling him that you just wanted to be friends and that you understood that he wasn't the type of guy to have relationships. He didn't understand why it stung a bit when you said that, but it had.

Ben thinks about the week that the two of you spent together after Diana went home, when he tried his best to take care of you, distract you from everything that happened with his movies, and would sit with you and try to make you laugh. He'd never wanted to take care of someone before.

Not to mention he kind of liked the way you laughed. He wouldn’t admit that to anyone, but each time you did, it made him want to laugh too. That had never happened to him before. But he wanted to make you laugh to forget everything that happened with Elijah. His fist clenches when he thinks of exactly what Elijah tried to do to you and it makes him feel so mad that he feels close to spontaneously combusting. Ben might not be the best role model when it came to women, but he couldn’t imagine the type of man who would force himself on someone else.

It had made him angry when he thought that you were suggesting that he would try something when he first moved in, because he wasn't that type of man.

Ben was trying to be better for you. He wasn't admitting that, but he really was trying to be better. He didn't understand why. You'd told him countless times that you didn’t want to be with him, that you wanted to be with someone else like Jake.

Ben frowns when he thinks about the man he'd pulled from the rubble of the shop. And again thinks to himself that you should be with someone different, someone who was a supe and could understand you. Ben had seen how difficult it was for Diana when she was keeping her supe life a secret from your grandfather and he didn't want you to have to do that with someone.

"Because I'm not-" Ben begins to say, but he holds his tongue. It was too honest, too raw, too unlike him to admit this to anyone.

Because I'm not this guy. Because I'm not the one she wants. Because I'm not some knight on a white horse. Because she's everything right with the world and I'm just a fucking asshole who sleeps on her couch.

"Ben." Diana breathes and he can practically hear her pinching the bridge of her nose. "In all the years I've known you, you've never done what you did for her with anyone else. You carried her out of that warehouse, you stayed with her in the hospital even after she woke up, you took care of her when she came home, you protected her from Darren. You can't ignore all those things."

"I'm not ignoring them. She's my friend." The word sours in his mouth as he says it. "And she would have done the same thing for me." He knew it was true.

She's a good person and she wouldn't let me chase her away if any of that shit happened to me and I told her to leave me alone.

"Yes she would. Because she cares about you." Diana sighs.

"She doesn't."

"Why don't you believe me?"

"Because she's told me what she wants!" Ben shouts so loudly he can feel the room shaking. "She wants to be friends-“

"Because she doesn't think that you want a relationship you nitwit!"

"I don't." Ben spits the words before he can stop them, but as he does something tightens at the base of his throat.

"How is it that it's been forty fucking years and you're still able to dance on the grave of my last nerve?"

Ben chuckles. "I missed you too sweetheart."

She sighs into the phone again making it crackle in Ben's ear. "She needs you.” Diana repeats. “And I think you need her too.”

His temper was flaring again, the thoughts that his father pressed into him surging up before he can stop the words. “I don’t need anyone. I’m Sol-“

“If you say that you’re Soldier Boy, I’m going to reach through this phone and slap you silly.” She snaps. “And you do need her, but you’re still just too stubborn to admit it.”

“I-“

“Ben I know that everything that happened with Countess was fucked up, but my granddaughter she-“ Diana pauses before she changes the thought. “You say that you know she’s different, but right now you’re treating her the same way you treat all those other women.”

“I’m not-“

“My granddaughter has decided you’re important to her and once that’s happened it’s hard to make her let go. You saw the way she was with Darren and that guy was a manipulative asshole. Imagine what she thinks of you.”

“I-“

“Stop making excuses!”

“You didn’t even hear what I was going to say!” Ben shouts.

“And I don’t need to! Think what you want Ben but if you’d stop acting so stubborn and so ridiculously blind to what’s right in front of you. I promise that what comes next is worth the risk.”

“Don’t go all fucking mystical on me doll.”

“And don’t go all macho- no feelings asshole on me! So stop being so damn stubborn, get on a plane and get your ass here.” She retorts. “Don’t fuck this up Benjamin because if you do I’ll fuck you up.”

The line goes dead.

Ben sat there for a minute in the silence still holding the phone up to his ear, listening to what your grandmother said to him ring around in his head for a second.

No one ever spoke to him that way. In fact, Ben had never allowed anyone to speak to him the way that she did, well, not until you came along. You reminded him so much of her that it was astounding and he wasn't going to admit that maybe it's why he liked being around you so much.

Ben frowns at what Diana said, thinking about the unusual feelings that were swirling in the pit of his stomach. He felt wrong and the feelings were odd for him. He hadn't felt anything remotely like this ever in his life, not even for Countess.

And although Ben refused to be afraid of anything, the feelings he was having scared him. He didn’t understand and he wasn't sure that he wanted to. He wasn't sure that he wanted to see where this ended up. He felt like he was in too deep.

As much as he wanted to go to you like Diana ordered him to, he wasn't sure that he should. Something was holding him back, digging it's heels in and refusing to budge.

But why do I feel like-

His phone rings and he doesn't look at the caller ID when he picks up, expecting it to be Diana again, yelling at him.

"Di I-"

But it's not Diana.

"Hello Ben. It's nice to hear your voice again." The familiar voice says, sounding calm and collected.

"What the fuck do you want?" Ben snarls.

"I thought it was time the two of us had a chat.”

A/N: At this point Diana is really just trying to give both Ben and the reader the kick in the pants they need. And yes I know another cliffhanger, but you know you love it. 🤭😉 We are quickly reaching the end of this series, but that means the confession scene is coming and I am so excited about it!!

As always thank you so much for reading! Reblogs, likes, and comments are not required, but are always appreciated. I love hearing what y'all think! If you'd like to be added to the taglist for this series let me know. 😊

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sersi · 1 year ago

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AHSOKA 1.07: Dreams and Madness

#ahsokaedit #swedit #shinhatiedit #star wars #ahsoka #**elysiaedits #**elysia's gifs #shin hati #baylan skoll #ahsoka tv #ahsoka spoilers #not to be an Old with a far too extensive memory for useless pop culture trivia #but every time i see this scene all i can think of is farrah from teen mom saying that her 4 year old #had her own life and was doing her own thing 😭

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philippagordon · 11 months ago

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hello everyone, I hope you're all doing great! just passing by to say i'm officially going to be a librarian :) follow your dreams kids

#took me a while but i got there! all on my own #quit my masters bc i had health issues and had an existential crisis moved out of my parents' to live with my sister #i didn't know what to do so i applied to volunteer in a retirement home i was paid a little and it literally saved my life #i found meaning and purpose again met incredible people and i still go there every sunday :)#but most importantly i met the director of the town's museum who recommended me to the library for a summer job #i got it and i loved it just like i imagined one of the librarian was retiring and she told me i should apply to replace her #so i did and after months of not knowing for sure if they would hire me i finally got the email! i'm starting in February #in the meantime i worked at a bookshop in paris which was also a cool experience #but i can't wait to start for real at the library #also did i mention the town i moved in (and where the library is ) is the town of my dreams?#it's calm there's a river and small shops and i also got an apartment with a balcony #2 years ago i thought my life was over i didn't think i would ever make it out #so if i can give a little hope to someone things do get better #i'd love to post again on this blog btw but i keep saying that and never do it 😭

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girlthativealwaysbeen · 2 days ago

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so tired of being a shitty bandaid for my parents' loneliness. like have u ever considered you passed your curse to me and some days i feel so lonely it's like i can't breathe around the emptiness in my chest????

#my dad is like #you can't just be in your room all the time then what's the point of you living here if ill be sitting here all alone then #and im like bhai what #mom also says this to me she always wanted to sit and rant and she used to say you never talk to me #both of these people don't even fucking get it that they're not even interested in me listening to me #mom just wants a sounding board for her venting and dad just wants someone to pretend everything is okay and happy all the time and #the only important things in life is the immediate present and food and making money and stuff #i swear this is why i feel so ????? about myself my identity like no i can't describe myself #because there is no myself there is just a white sheet of paper where people can write whatever they want #im so tired man #why can't they just go and live with each other and leave us kids out of it 😭🙏#like i genuinely am getting teary eyed about such a small thing but god. i want to have my own life so bad. im sick of feeling all these #complicated emotions guilt and anger and pity and obligation and duty like just god pls fuck off #people my age are so fucking mature and put together than me so confident so clear about their path #have friends partners breakups parties just so many new memories #and im just stuck.#and im fine with it now because i get it studying is really important and this is quite basic requirement to be perfect at #atleast my syllabus to survive in this industry #but then. let me do that only. please don't make me pretend to like you like spending time with you and everything #ive hated you for like. idk 14 whole years. since the first time you hit mom in front of me #i remember it so well like my childhood broke that day you slammed her into a wall for some stupid fight and her hair was all messy and #untied and you shouted so loud i thought surely everyone can hear. and then you left to roam around the city at night with your friends #i remember this because my mom and my sister sent me to check up on you with the excuse of a painting of a parrot that i had made #i didn't understand anything back then #but yeah fuck you fuck you fuck you for being so fucking delusional thinking i love you or something #ive prayed to god that you die and i still do #it would directly mean 4 people being happy #anyway #dni #this was meant to be fun and short lol fuck

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orcelito · 4 months ago

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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.

But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.

#speculation nation #and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it #then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day #just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them #but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else #and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself #and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao #why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc #honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year #and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this #bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.

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rustystars · 5 months ago

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s1 of true detective has its own share of misogyny but at the very least, there’s a thread throughout it that not treating the women in your life with respect leads to those women not wanting to be around you. marty consistently views women & girls as either in need of protection or in want of sex rather than as complex people, & the story punishes him for this. maggie leaves him & his daughters barely talk to him & his girlfriends are few & far between. & this doesn’t make him a bad person! he’s the hero of the story & he cares incredibly deeply about them, but until he sees them as people, it’s hard for them to want to be around him. it’s a baseline understanding that misogyny, both systematically & on personal levels, leads to women being miserable.

compare that with s2, which somewhat builds itself around conversations of sexual agency & exploitation, but cannot define a single woman outside of her relationship to men. women are abused by men & must be saved by them; when women help themselves they do so ineffectively; they scream & cry & fuck & even then men know how to do it better. even ani, the main character & the Strong Badass Woman detective, is punished for having sex. she cannot protect herself or process her own sexual trauma (only men can help her do that), & she cannot make good decisions in terms of partners (& it's only fair that men degrade & shame her in response.) the only way she, & any other woman in s2, can be happy is through marriage or motherhood. she expresses nowhere in the show that she wants to be a mother, but the viewer is meant to accept her ending as happy, because she has a baby, so she MUST be. the only women who matter, or who can find any sort of contentment, are the mothers of sons. every child in s2 is a boy because women exist only to raise or fuck them, & have no experience of girlhood at all. you can be happy only if you find a good man, & if you can't, only if you commit yourself to being a good mother to your sons. women can only be happy with men to guide them. & also the mystery is boring to watch because fuck you

#true detective #true detective s2 #i didn't like s4 but i would watch it one million times before i ever rewatched s2. hated s2 that much #it was also just weirdly written like the mystery made no sense 😭#spoilers . but when they killed the gay cop one of the characters had a line being like There are a series of tunnels we use underneath the #city & I texted my friend screenshots being like WHAT ARE THEY EVEN TALKING ABOUT? WHAT? WHAT????#at least vince vaughn was hot.#god it's not even like the season failed in terms of the what you act like vs. what you are aspect like that theme was very clear #but i don't careeee about it when you write women like you've never spoken to one in your life #ani is just treated so grossly! by other characters & by the WRITERS like oh my god #like an exercise in patting yourself on the back going We understand women we solved everything & it's like no #you gave her knives & issues & then called her useless that is not solving anything #ALSO OH MY GODDDD can i talk about the stupid ani/ray scene.#this is a woman constantly terrified of SA & distrustful of men why would she not use protection #like how does it make sense at all for her to do that even if she trusted ray like WHAT. you're telling me they used no protection at all #sobbing on the sofa & she immediately got pregnant. god i hate that season #but it's a happy ending for her even though she loses her job & has to raise a baby on her own because That's What Women Are For #it's so stupid. & she doesn't even save the day or expose things in the end it's a male journalist who does it #WHATEVERRRRR i need to go funeral shopping

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swordmaid · 1 year ago

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so I was looking up the tenets for lolth’s paladins and I found this little list. not sure how canon exactly this is but I thought it was interesting -

kind of laughing that shri’iia does the exact opposite in act 1 which leads to her oath breaking. she girlflopped so badly lolth decides to drop her ass then prob hunt her ass down for being an embarrassment and a failure. like girly was not exerting her power at all - it’s her first time in the surface ever and she’s surrounded by people who could literally kill her any given moment (considering all the stories she heard abt how surface dwellers hates drow) not to mention that the tieflings you encounter when you see lae’zel were ready to attack you that just fueled her paranoia. > she was not sowing discord at all she was laying low and keeping her mouth shut …!! she has no allies here! and she doesn’t know where she is! and there’s an illithid tadpole in her head! it would be foolish of her to paint herself as an enemy when she’s already so out of her environment so she keeps her mouth shut … thoughts to herself … bides her time and sees who’s useful to her and who’s not … she can always get rid of the ones that she doesn’t need later but for now she’s seeing what she can work with first …… > have a plan… shri’iia had no plans…. at all. she was following lae’zel around because the crèche was her only lead … but then they mentioned a druid named halsin who’s a very good healer so she turned her objective to that … then a goblin mentions their priestess is a healer too so guess she’s looking for her as well… honestly who thought making the drow who’s never been to the surface and literally does not know where she is or what she's doing the leader of the group a good idea….. in my hc the leader is gale

#but I’m like 🤭🤭🤭 at the idea of shri’iia being considered an embarrassment by Lolth just bc apparently lolth paladins are pretty rare #like she doesn’t give her blessings easily and they mostly go to her clerics but to a paladin … and for someone who’s not noble birth too….#like she had potential ..!! she was mentored by a matriarch of a noble house ..!! but then she flopped soo badly 😭😭#and I hc mid/the end of act 1 she still hasn’t accepted that she’s an oathbreaker and she’s still delusional thinking that she can get #lolth’s favour again it’s like no 💗 girly. she hates your ass 💓 if you ever return to menzoberranzan she’ll turn you into a drider probably #and it’s only in act 2 where she accepts that she is an Oathbreaker. and she does Not need Lolth. and Lolth doesn’t deserve her (delusion)#but I love that idea for her bc she was So proud of herself … and she devoted herself to her goddess to the point that her sense of self is #essentially Gone.. but then she gets rejected. so now the thing she’s most proud of is taken away from her #by HER own actions no less .. like she can’t blame anyone bc it’s her own fault ..!! and that’s what stings more ..!!!!! she’s the one who #fumbled the bag … so it’s like where do u go when the very thing you dedicated your whole life to rejected you #and you’re so far away from home. and you CAN’T even go back home.. where do you go. no choice but to keep going….#then she eventually accepts the role as an oath breaker bc it's the only thing she has left. her oath no longer binds her ; every choice #she makes is hers and hers alone.. which is so ..!! girls when you're faced to reclaim your own agency or else you'll fall into the void #you're left with ...!!!!!!! also it is so perfect bc the oathbreaker dialogues are all abt freedom and agency of self.#being free from dogma and making your own decisions! and you also want others to be free too …#and the fact that the oath breaker knight helps you make that decision I hc she becomes similar to him as well #where if someone chooses they want to be free she will help them … but it has to be their own choice …#which ties in perfectly with the act 2 and 3 quests esp for the companions .. all abt making ur own decisions …#so the leadership role goes from gale then to her …#should be heading to bed bc I have an early start tomorrow but hrk head filled w thoughts of my oc...#but act 1 shri'iia is essentially her getting such a bad grade at being Lolth-Sworn Drow that lolth disowns her 😭#im so ill at the thought of her not being able to return to menzo tho ... i dont think the underdark is safe for her either like she should #b getting hunted like sport .... maybe thats why she released the vampire spawns down there lol #like <3 revenge. everyone loves revenge especially an ex oath of vengeance girly <3

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anthromimicry · 6 months ago

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forever thinking about how, according to maslow's hierarchy of needs (or simply the self-actualization pyramid) that is basically this motivational theory in psychology that's made up of a five-tier model of human needs, that misao went from being on the third tier in her childhood to reverting back to the first tier currently which is food, water, warmth, and rest.

[ here's a picture of it for reference, y'all ]

so, in other words... she is just trying to survive SO badly right now at this point in her life, that she can not even worry about things like safety or security and especially not friends. and that is UHH... i might, or might not be sobbing right now

#ALL POWER DEMANDS PAIN AND SACRIFICE: musings.#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.#it takes the fact that misao has just been trying to focus on satiating her most basic instinct (to feed) to a whole NOTHER level tbh ;;#like idk what to say besides i am in pain thinking about how lonely she must be especially at night whenever thing's are quiet and-#she doesn't have anything to distract her from the fact that she has no one to depend on and no one who absolutely NEEDS her.#and of course her refusing to at least try to overcome her fear of vulnerability may play a part in this... but you have to remember that-#misao has never had the proper time nor the space to just focus on herself. to just focus on what she wants but i am in no way trying to-#demonize ryuuji or kaiyah here because that would just be wrong... i'm just saying that she doesn't really know who she is you know?#i mean when she isn't around other people and taking care of them. she genuinely DOESN'T know because that is what misao has done for most-#of her life until about 400 years ago or so?? yeah. and so misao turned to doing something that would fulfill her but not in ways that-#would attribute to her mental well-being. just to her physical well-being and misao may appear to be this super-friendly as well as-#confident person on the outside but i feel as if misao feels like she's broken inside because she cannot get out of the cycle of pushing-#people away when they get just a little bit too close to her. and it's like 😭 i mean yes she does have a LOT of trouble empathizing people-#because she has to fake being able to put herself in other people's shoes most of the time but misao kind of wishes she wasn't that way.#because it DOES isolate her from the rest of the population because misao feels like she just... doesn't get it. like she's missing-#a fundamental part of herself that people like ryu seem to have but she has been cursed with being perpetually alone both by her own hand-#and because of just how she is.

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bibleofficial · 4 days ago

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Hi, a mutual who shall remain nameless here. I just read your tags on on the inner Mongolian child post. And like. I dunno how to say this, but that took me by surprise, cause I was so sure you were older than me... and I am 33 years old lol. Guess I was wiping l wrong 🙈

no i totally get it omg i’ve got the Elderly Problems like woodhouse (specifically s1e2 11:55) ‘my knees’ but also my hips .. my back … my assbole but im older than u anyway <3 my child

#asked #anonymous #ALSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAKSLA #it’s like it begets the question ‘WHY 😭😭’#but no it’s …. it’s fair #ALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLAKSKAKLSLA #i’m a Mess #i love anons bc this could literally not even be a mutual like literally anyone could just say that #but #also i follow more than 1500 ppl i think so a mutual could Truly Be Anyone & i love that abt me #BUT I KNOW SOME OF YALL #u know #parasocially #i don’t trust tumblr so i don’t send messages here u gotta get me elsewhere ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLAKSA #like i know tumblr reads all them 😭😭😭#i still think of everyone as my children but also it’s kinda insane like when u die now the internet is essentially forever #like u will literally just always be able to access a dead persons accounts or postings whatever as long as the host is available #so like if the person is anonymous u know it’s just ‘they disappeared one day’ or if like instagram u know usually they will have like ‘rip #miss u so much’ etc things on some posts correlating to a death #but it’s like. hmm. do i want myself to be that available ? for a public memorial to be there ? regardless of possible intractability ? i #don’t know #it’s kinda like ‘do u want to be apart of ur own remembrance ?’ not as like ‘do u remember them as a person ?’ but i mean like do u want to #be remembered at all ?#like countless people have died but not all are totally remembered. sure drawings or a child’s homework here the individual but they’re just #otherwise known as ‘1million people lived in this city at this time period’ & that’s it #but now the internet is so personal it’s so ingrained in daily life #how do u want to be perceived or how do u want people to have the ability to perceive u once u have died ? u know what i mean ?#i guess this kinda just stems from i saw this fundraiser weeks ago about an artist in gaza literally doing her e-painting while the planes #were overhead but then it just stopped - her posting - like i had gone to her twitter before i got to the bottom like the latest addition to #reblog & her posting just stopped. so i went back & found out she died. this was weeks ago now but still

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b0mblover · 7 months ago

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Hate, in Every Sense of the Word.

By: J

major tws for; suicide mention, domestic abuse, abuse, sexual assult mention, murder mention, (really just alot of violence tbh) self harm mention

uh, sorry? that theres so many tws, ig also minor tw for mention of sex too.

uh haha i uh, can you tell what happened tonight? it wasnt even the worst one, just, im tired of it.

talk abt living out of spite bc mannnn, thats all i been going off of for a good while now!

i uh, i really wanna make a certain food bc um. (LOOK I WANNA MAKW A LESS OILY FUCKER OKAY) but my father is awake meaning my mother will be too soon but im scared to even go out of my room bc theyre prob gonna fighttt.

hhhrbd okok ill shut up for now, go ahead and read the angry jirou bullshit ig 😭

(oh yea, if it wasn’t obvious. im talking about my mother in this.)

——————————

yknow,

you havent been a great person

or a good one even.

yet you still question as to why i dont love you

or like you,

maybe you have an idea of how much i hate you.

maybe not

i dont really care about your feelings.

at all.

not now.

i put up with this for fucking 14 years.

my entire fucking life.

ive put up with your shit.

but now?

now im done.

you have no idea how badly you fucked up.

when he said that “im sorry im a fuck up”

yknow.

he mightve not been right for what he did.

but,

it was just a mistake.

it was a goddamn mistake.

you have any idea how many times ive uttered those words too?

how many times ive repeated them?

how many times i fucking meant it?

just because you “had it bad” doesnt mean shit to me.

you have no goddamn right to treat others the same way.

dont give me that “i dont know how else to act!”

bullshit.

bullshit you dont.

you treated your damn boyfriend just fine!

you had a goddamn kid

you had two goddamn children.

with this man that you fucking DESPISE.

you knew it back then too.

you told me you did.

you fucking told me.

almost nothing can compare to the anger i feel to you right now.

nothing.

you have no right to act like that.

no.

you have no goddamn right to hit another fucking living being.

for such a simple mistake.

i dont care if he talked about it since friday.

i dont give a fuck if he talked about it for months.

you.

you as a goddamn human.

have no right.

none.

in the slighest.

to hit another living being.

for talking about something in your eyes “too much”

or making a mistake.

youre a hypocrite.

need i remind you?

you said that after you broke up with the man you were having an affair with.

that youd be a better person.

stop the fights.

stop the beatings.

stop all of it.

and everything would be okay!

i didn’t believe you for a goddamn millisecond.

youre a liar.

just how you said i was.

you didnt quit.

you didnt stop.

hell two months after you hit him again!

you threatened to kill him and yourself!

cmon.

dont you get it yet?

i fucking despise you.

maybe to a degree i feel shocked.

but.

i really dont think thats it.

youre the root of my problems.

every single last fucking one.

——————

need i remind you as how i had to learn to cook, because you were too busy with your damn boyfriend to help me?

need i remind you how when i tried to show you that i was fucking cutting myself when i was 9 you only talked about how it looked ugly?

need i remind you about how many times you said that you didnt care if i hurt myself as long as no one can see it?

need i remind you about how you ignored the rope burn on my neck god knows how many times?

need i remind you how you denied fucking multiple peoples sexual assault because “it couldntve been like that”?

need i remind you of how many times i almost had to be hospitalized because of your neglect?

need i remind you of how many nights i spent alone, in the cold, in the dead of winter, just because you wanted to fuck your boyfriend?

need i remind you of what you yelled at me so many times?

need i remind you of what i seen?

need i remind you of how many times you blamed your abusive behaviors on medication?

need i fucking remind you of my entire purpose?

i dont care about your feelings anymore.

i gave up years ago.

but now.

i dont feel just numb for you.

i hate you.

in every sense of the word.

i dont care of what you or anyone else thinks of me.

i dont care about what you think of my appearance.

i dont care if you think im too thin or fat or whatever word youll use next.

i dont care about what you think because you’ll hate me no matter what.

you thought id stop being xxxx when you broke up with him.

you yelled at me.

no.

you fucking screamed at me for weeks.

im tired of even putting in the slighest effort of acting as if i fucking care.

i dont give a fuck about you.

and yknow?

if.

no.

if it would work.

if it was possible.

id fucking kill you.

id stab you.

right here.

right now.

to end my suffering.

to end his suffering.

all of it.

id end it all.

i dont care if its wrong.

because i know no one else knows about whats going on.

yknow.

only one person around here knows what youve done to him and me.

and i havent even met her in person.

yknow.

the people i used to be close with from school.

only just learned you had an affair.

i know that.

the police are do-less.

since you know them.

and hes a man.

not a woman.

it wouldnt be taken seriously.

that he should just fight back.

yknow.

youve ruined what life he has left.

his parents beat him.

his ex wife beat him, and cheated on him.

and here.

youve done the exact same thing.

yknow.

he’ll never get to see how love truely is.

because of you.

because of what youve done.

i cant say i really like him either.

but.

that doesnt give you the right to ruin his life.

yknow whats worse?

how i know the only reason that so far youve never dared to lay a finger on me.

is because ive proved that i won’t hesitate to beat the fuck out of you right back.

i know i joke about that night.

but.

really.

hitting you for doing that was the best decision i couldve made.

its kept me safer than i wouldve been for years.

and even now.

if you were to as so much to touch me.

while in a fight.

id do it all over again.

you maybe 100 pounds heavier than me.

but you dont know how to fight against someone who wont just sit there and take it.

i wont forgive you for what youve done.

even if he will.

i want nothing to do with you.

get out of my life for good.

#j writes badly #woohoo i just love living in a very fucked up house its soo great /sarcasm #ughnf whats worse is that if it werent for my parents rn my life would be quiet literally perfect.#holy shit the being pissed at my mother instead of destroying my arm thing is actually working irl holy shit #(actually shoked abt that tbh)#unironically i wanna make a less oily fuck rn. like so badly. bc my parents went to the store and got eggs so i can #oh yea for the new gen folk that dont know all of the j lore (this has been bothering me bc its coming up on the anniversary)#i know how to break someones fingers and make it look like an accident!#turns out theres a specific way thats more common in abuse versus accidents!#dont ask why i know this 🙂 (or do- it reallt doesnt bother me) (also not that i would- /gen)#this is basically me catching everyone up through j lore im not even kidding tbh #and yes. i have hit my mother before bc she wouldnt stop “playing” as i had hot ramen in my hands!#(look. it wasnt the best move at the time but uh. really saved me in the long run unironically!)#THERES FUCKING GEESE FLYING OVER MY HOUSE RN HOLY SHIT #sorry. uh. i cant help it tho. i heard them and it was cute #oh yea even MORE j lore; i have a mildly unhealthy obsession with “being stronger” because im consitently (and rightfully)#paranoid that my mother is gonna try and hit me!#when the whole 2020 chrismas thing (when i hit her) happened i had just got done wih archery so i was still pretty strong #but then eating disorder happened and i quit archery. muscle atrophy etc etc #so like. its a big ass thing i think abt every day now!#yea theres a real reason why i consider my friends as “safe” 💀#heheheheeeeee when no where else is safe thats just life ig!#oh god i need to brush my teeth fuck.#hhvtbd but my mother is awake :(#HHGBHGBSNS i need to start doing that at an ealier time bc it keeps getting in the way of things #again. how the fuck does smth so simple as brushing my teeth make so much feel better 😭😭 its weird #sighh well! time to go back to trying to find drawing inspo!#(i unironically cannot use my own trauma as a drawing point bc it makes me actually suicidal. thats why i write it! /srs)#CHOKEKSSSJ ok ill hush now!

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valleydoli · 9 months ago

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𐙚 Ao3 Fics I’ve read and love 𐙚

𐙚 infidelity by @tawus (completed)

gojo x fem reader

Your marriage to Gojo Satoru lost its initial excitement, since your husband spent all his time either at Jujutsu Tech or on exorcism missions across the world. To ease your loneliness, you picked up your favorite pastime from your student years — clubbing — behind his back. Too bad that on Satoru’s most recent mission he spots his wife dancing in a nightclub with a bunch of guys in the skimpiest dress he has ever seen on her…

𐙚 desert rose by @sadistic-kiss (on going)

all jjk men x fem reader 😭

Toji Fushiguro finds you during one of his hitman jobs. With no idea what to do with you he decides to bring you home to his house of misfits. They weren’t picture perfect but neither were you.

𐙚 mascara by @/softstellars (on going)

geto x fem reader

You've never been a particularly good person, you're self-aware enough to know it. It's your only flaw, and recently you've actually been working to better yourself. For example: paying for a 30-dollar Uber so you can take your friend home only for her to ditch you for some guy when it comes down to it. Although you’re pissed, you decide to try and make the best of it instead of get into a screaming match with her. It's an easy thing to do when Getou Suguru is offering you everything to do just that. Everything a party entails: liquor, weed, and sex with a perfect stranger. And Getou knows perfectly well you have a boyfriend, so it's not like he'll want anything serious.

𐙚 a pearl by @lemonlover1110 (completed and posted on tumblr!)

toji x fem reader

The Fushiguros needed a nanny, and the pay was too good to not apply, especially since your family needed financial help. You were the perfect nanny for the kids, they loved you as if you were their own mother. Slowly, you built up the perfect relationship with the family. Especially with Mr. Fushiguro. A man who would constantly visit you after dark. A man who you thought had sincere intentions but at the end of the day didn't care about you. A selfish man who just saw you as a tool to make his wife mad. A man who didn't care about you but didn't want you with anyone else. A man that took away your ability to know what a healthy relationship was. You couldn't speak up about it since all the fault would fall at your feet and would be deemed as the "homewrecker".

𐙚 you, my angel and my saint by @lemonlover1110 (completed and posted on tumblr!)

toji x fem reader

sequel to a pearl!

After having an affair with your boss, you're left to deal with the consequences, those being: two exhausting new jobs and a child. A child that he never got to know the existence of. Now all you had to do was keep her hidden, which should be an easy task, right?

𐙚 rings by @/bungeemum (on going)

toji x fem reader

you divorced the man in front of you for a reason. so why was he standing on your doorstep, guilt plastered on his face, and eyes glinting with hope?

𐙚 a dangerous game by @/anaoyuo (completed)

gojo x fem reader

geto x fem reader

Both men agreed to a game about who fucks you first, but they didn't play their cards right. Gojo and Geto changed the course of the game when they decided to keep you around for way longer than intended, making you fall for their sweet way to deprave you, and now you have to face the consequences in a gamble that they call their life.

𐙚 fate’s gamble by @/anaoyuo (on going)

gojo x fem reader

geto x fem reader

sequel to a dangerous game

缘分— a story about predestined affinity, set in a world where the intoxicating thrills of wealth intertwine with amorality.

𐙚 him & i by @pharixden (on going)

gojo x fem reader

toji x fem reader

sukuna x fem reader

A cheating husband, a widowed bodyguard and a malevolent fling of the past who owes a favour isn’t a combination for the faint of heart, but not every girl is a damsel in distress.

𐙚 changes by @lemonlover1110 (on going also on tumblr!)

gojo x fem reader

From childhood friends to lovers to mere strangers. Your love story with Satoru Gojo was one from a fairy tail, until it wasn't. When you were twenty-one, Satoru left you without an explanation. Five years later, you meet again but nothing is quite the same. Too many things need to be explained, especially the fact that there's another Gojo that Satoru has yet to meet.

𐙚 the man in apartment 381 by @lemonlover1110 (completed also on tumblr!)

toji x fem reader

Looking for a new beginning after the death of your husband, you move away from town. That's when you meet him, Toji Fushiguro, a widower with a three-year-old son. You two understand each other, which draws you close. Except you two don't realize that feelings would eventually develop, and neither of you want that. Feelings are the last thing you two want after finding out the great damage that they can cause. When you two discover this, it's too late.

𐙚 4th avenue viewing by @/softstellars (completed)

nanami x fem reader

Nanami Kento is intelligent, serious, reserved and can easily catch someone in a lie. It's his job to do just that, he's renowned for it. So when he comes to your university to offer up an internship, it's quite the opportunity. Anyone would jump at the chance, except for you. But no, you just had to be the one caught in a lie.

𐙚 forgotten souls by @/killerpoultry & @/bebobopobo (completed)

sukuna x fem reader

You and Sukuna have been married for years. Even though he is brash, mean, and sadistic, you love him more than anything. While he may not show it much, he truly loves you too. One day you get into a terrible car accident and lose all your memories. You learn to live once more while Sukuna must now get you to fall in love with him all over again.

𐙚 love kills by @/sourome (on going)

i actually don’t know 😭 i think toji x fem reader

The wealthy and successful Zenin family, well respected and seemingly perfect. But all that glitters is not gold. Toji Zenin, CEO and face of the Zenin Group acts like a gentleman but is a vile creature that has ruined many lives, such as yours. That married man dared to play with your mother’s heart many years ago, destroying her sanity and her life and ultimately killing her. Now years later and being all grown up you decide to seek revenge, he deserves to suffer that same destiny and die of love. With the help of a few friends you plan to become a part of his life and his every thought but you didn't take into account his son, that man had the potential to turn your plans upside down.

𐙚 the black swan by @uselesslydamaged (completed)

sukuna x fem reader

Loving someone is easy, but experiencing it is harder.

𐙚 bodyguard by @/succybuss (on going)

toji x fem reader

Your Grandfather, a man involved in unsavory businesses that has taken you under his wing, has informed you that you will be under the care of a full-time Bodyguard. Unhappy with your grandfather's decision, you decide to go out for a night of drinking for your last night of freedom. There, you encounter a man you planned on taking home, but life had other plans in store for you...

𐙚 violet lights by @septembersummer (completed)

gojo x fem reader

In which you're at a party that you should've skipped when you capture the attention of a boy who looks like an angel and grins like the devil. He looks beautiful in the neon lights, and maybe you just want to make your ex-boyfriend jealous, but trouble with a tongue ring does sound like fun, just for tonight. What's the worst that could happen, you know?

𐙚 starboy by @septembersummer (completed)

gojo x fem reader

sequel to violet lights

After your ex-boyfriend gets arrested on national television, you find yourself realizing that you really didn’t know much at all about Gojo Satoru. Well, he’s better known in the Yakuza as The Six Eyes, not that he ever told you that.

𐙚 sweet little lies by @/mooglepaws (on going)

toji x fem reader

Megumi Fushiguro is the perfect Fiancé. Caring, loyal, successful, devastatingly handsome and crazy in love with you. So how and why do you end up fucking his Dad? As your wedding looms and the consequences of your affair unfold, you have to make a choice between the Fushiguro men.

This is a Toji x Reader x Megumi but the smut is almost exclusively Toji x Reader focusing on their affair.

𐙚 the twist of a knife by @darkcat23 (on going)

gojo x fem reader

This world is dull, colourless in your eyes. You are just trying to keep going with your life, not bothering anyone, trying to support your mother and yourself. So what happens when you agree to help your ex one night? And what if you catch the attention of a certain white haired assassin? And he shows you just how colourful this world truly is. or, a story of a girl with a violent mind and a boy with violent tendencies, finding each other, intertwining, and feeding off one another. perhaps it is fate that has brought them together. or perhaps it's something more sinister, something more cold.

𐙚 untameable waves by @/circedemedici

(unknown i guess hopefully i can let you know)

has been taken down i dont know if it’ll come back but if it does i’ll link it! but i’m leaving it here because it was most definitely my favourite :(

please let me know any other fics you’ve read because i love reading fics with a LOT of plot and also let me know if you end up reading any and you enjoy them as much as i did! :3

i think i used every tag known to man LOL 𐙚

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riyangiis · 1 year ago

Text

kuni-fucking-kuzushi after he survives in every ending while yoimiya dies in every ending

FLAWLESS (Yandere!Various Genshin/Reader)

A/n: This is a complete interactive fic w/ CGs! There’s an HP system and 4 possible endings (yandere!Scaramouche, Alhaitham, Kaveh, and Kazuha). This is my final fanfic and I really put my best effort into drawing and writing this. Have fun!!! Your choices matter so read the evidences properly and try not to get a bad ending hahaha. (Pls answer this poll after and feel free to send me memes about who you got hAHHAHA)

Unreliable Synopsis: (Danganronpa!Genshin AU) If this is your last dance as an idol, then you do not want it. No. You’ll make the real criminal sing instead.

CW: yandere themes, blood, murders (well duh ansy–), and brief mentions of suicide.

Kazuha frowned. "For (L/n) (Y/n), this whole ordeal must seem like a flawless crime."

"They don't know the murder weapon, the suspects— no nothing." Kaveh sighed.

Alhaitham interjected. "Indeed, but the real questions will begin in a moment."

Words punctured the air in nameless accusations. Each time people enter this room, only distrust looms acting both as a safety blanket and suffocating plastic. You stared at the people left. One, two, three, four, five... You clenched your fist, and all those fingers pointed back at you.

The sixth.

There are only six survivors left.

"Say, (L/n) (Y/n)." Your Akademiyan companions stared at you as Kunikuzushi’s smirk could practically be heard in his voice. "Where were you at the time of the murder?"

You gulped.

The Teyvat Akademiya. Home only to the most renowned student of their craft. The faculty carefully picks out select groups of students to be their new freshmen- and it can only be counted by hand how many had declined such a generous offer. It was a government state university, but it was also a golden ticket to knowing people from high places.

Each student was known for contributing something in their fields of interest. In fact, both your adoptive siblings were alumni of this prestigious school. Your brother Aether was a famous "adventurer" (as he loved to call himself instead of an artifact-obsessed archeologist) whereas your sister Lumine was a remarkable swordswoman with a straight-edged track record. Even your older friends, Dainsleif, and a certain glasses-wearing individual you had forgotten the name of were graduates and now boast incredible resumes befitting of an Akademiyan. Each alumnus you've met wasn't someone any person with a head on their shoulders would dare disrespect.

But that was not the reason for your schoolmates’ evident intimidation.

“Allow them a moment to process,” Alhaitham scoffed. “The Body Discovery Announcement was approximately 2 hours ago. It’s challenging for individuals from the entertainment industry such as them to comprehend complicated matters in a few seconds.”

“I would’ve fainted at your rare attempt at empathy if it wasn't obviously pointed,” Kaveh scoffed before turning to you with a soft stare. “(Y/n), don’t listen to these two, I’m sure we can find out if you’re innocent or not later.”

You gave a short nod of assent.

Tragically, murders had become the norm for college students like yourself. No one has flinched at Kaveh’s grim mention of a suspect lurking by and none had the insanity to deny what had occurred.

It began when you first woke up in one of the Akademiya's classrooms. You stirred awake on a desk near Shikanoin Heizou, the "Detective Prince". He was a famous figure, so you instantly believed him when he said you were both hauled into this location against your will. You were enthused by his infectious desire to uncover whatever was behind the “kidnapping” you found yourselves in. He told you not to worry, that despite the barred windows and inaccessible exits, you'd both "probably" find a way out. As you both wandered around the area, you found fourteen other students (some familiar faces, some not as much). For a brief moment of hope, everyone thought escape was possible.

That was until a certain cold-eyed puppet entered the scene.

A heartless puppet you’re sure was waiting for everyone just under that elevator.

“Is… Is this everyone?” You asked like a mouse, frightened as your eyes darted for any hints of twinned cyan hair. Nothing about your recent behavior had gone unnoticed.

Senior Faruzan is missing…

Yoimiya frowned, grabbing your hand for comfort. “(Y/n)…”

Kunikuzushi scoffed. “Enough of this dumb ohhh boohoo exhibit. Let’s go.”

The most mysterious of the bunch left for the stairs immediately, punching the button on the elevator to its ground floor. Yoimiya huffed, muttering complaints about Kuni’s behavior while the three other men followed her silently. No one took the stairs two at a time and walked at a snail’s pace. A clear indication that no one wanted this to occur.

And just like in the previous cases, Kazuha’s eyes were on you the entire time but spoke nothing of this behavior.

The elevator door opened. You looked at the camera above it. If the Shogun's words are to be trusted, then the outside world is watching your every move like reality TV.

If that's the case, might as well give them a show.

Kunikuzushi stepped aside, royally ushering everyone— and specifically YOU— in.

“Idols first.”

Everyone entered the trial room. If the mood from earlier was tense, it is worse now that you’re inside. Stepping into the cold room makes the situation all the more real.

There is an execution waiting to happen, but without a hint if it’ll be “us” or “them”. Every bright person inside the room here had previously partaken in 4 of these court sessions by force. Since no one can exit the premises nor contact the outside world, the only key out was to kill and avoid getting caught. 5 people had attempted to commit murder, and considering how you’re still breathing, none of the “blackened” had succeeded in getting their way.

How… How did it come to this?

You enrolled in the Akademiya in hopes that you'd also find the subtle clues as to why Aether went missing, this wasn't in your plan.

Getting roped into this killing “game” was on no one’s to-do list. You received an invitation to enroll in the Akademiya because of your stark idol career, although your siblings being famous alumni may have greatly increased your chances of receiving that privilege. You would’ve thrown that paper into the fire if you knew you’d get dizzy upon arriving in the Akademiya and will wake up in such a heartbreaking dilemma. Hearing from a grapevine, you discovered that Kaveh was invited for his architectural drafts, Kazuha for his poems and a bit of swordsmanship in his repertoire, Yoimiya for her firework shows, and Kunikuzushi?… You don’t know. But you are wholly aware as to why Alhaitham is here as your senior— you were there when he opened his letter after all.

The “mascot” is yet to make her entrance. So, as “obedient” students, you’ve uncomfortably shuffled to the places you were meant to stand. Bile rose inside your throat as you looked at the last five students excluding yourself circling the room— with Faruzan’s crossed-out portrait to your right while Kamisato Ayaka’s on your left. It would appear that most of the dead students were on your side and the closest breathing person next to you was Kunikuzushi, who was two photographs away.

Alhaitham, Amber, Tighnari, Ajax, Albedo, Kamisato Ayaka, You, Faruzan, Xiao, "Kunikuzushi", Kaveh, Cyno, Yoimiya, Layla, Yunjin, Kaedehara Kazuha, and Shikanoin Heizou.

The deceased faces had been crossed out in bright violet paint, a nauseatingly unsubtle reminder that only six remained. Yet, the one that was meant to sit towering above was missing.

“… Where’s The Shogun?” Kazuha asked.

“Ah, so you do have a voice. And here I was about to call you a cricket. I thought our poet lost his words, considering how the previous trial ended,” Kunikuzushi mocked, rolling his eyes. “Just wait and see.”

You sighed, hoping it was quiet enough for Kuni not to have heard it.

The last trial broke everyone’s spirits and sense of camaraderie the most. Before trials, the puppet gives everyone an incentive to kill. In the Ayaka-Heizou murder case, each student was given a videotape that raised more questions than answers. Yours was a clip of Lumine, your fellow theater actors, and idol mates congratulating you for your enrollment before it cuts off to a scene of your home burned to cinders. As for Ayaka, hers was a short-lived message of her older brother asking her to come visit the clan for Thoma’s upcoming birthday— before it cuts to a gruesome scene of her brother fatally wounded on their living room floor.

“Find out what happens once you graduate!”... and then the tape ends.

Whoever was the mastermind behind this killing, you had to admit, they were an expert in psychological torture. And unfortunately for everyone, Ayaka was a smart individual— killing the most trustworthy student, Heizou, to cover her tracks better. She put up quite the fight in manipulating everyone to think that you and Kaveh were possible culprits.

You even got into an argument with the calmest person around. Kazuha was “convinced” that Ayaka was right, which led to you two entering an incredibly heated argument that left him depressed with his rejected apology. You were on "good terms" with him before, that being he would always offer to cook food and accompany you often.

… Perhaps that was a good thing. Discreetly, you thought he strangely knew you to a degree that makes you far from comfortable. It still bugs you how he knew you all too well and yet you know nothing about him other than his aspirations: traditional Inazuman poetry writing with a bit of karuta on the side.

Maybe he used to be a big fan of yours? Even so, the foundation of your music, choreography, and persona was weaved through a tapestry of feel-good lies. And yet, he was wise enough to speak your true thoughts before you even hesitated to voice them in your cheery idol tone.

But that’s not the issue right now.

The issue on your plate was that you had no evidence to prove your innocence except for the list of school rules on your E-Handbook because you were convinced someone will kill you during the investigation.

You laughed to yourself bitterly. Might as well review those rules now.

You opened the E-Handbook.

As per “school rules”, there are regulations to be had in a murder game, but none stick to you as these three. Rule #10 and #7: A class trial will commence after three or more students have discovered a corpse, and a Body Discovery Announcement will play as soon as it occurs. However, a trial will be held if and only if every survivor is present; failure to do so will result in class “expulsion.”

And the last rule that never left your mind was Rule #8: If the guilty party is exposed during the class trial, they alone will be executed.

By the end of Trial #4, she did not receive a proper execution. Ayaka was compelled to restore her honor and raised her sword to…

…

… You couldn’t hate her for it. Even though you were close friends with Heizou, you couldn’t hate any of your fellow students. They all had family, hopes, and visions for the future. Each one here was "a fledgling barely out of the nest." You couldn’t deny that you would’ve done the same.

"Since the Shogun isn't here yet, let's get a headstart," Kaveh gripped the court fence, eyeing everyone with a nervous stare and stiff posture. "What's your alibis?"

Nobody raised their voice initially. You cast a pitying glance toward Kaveh. When it comes to your closest friendships, he comes in second only to Heizou. As someone who had seen the horrors of the media which is essentially a mirror of the world's social issues, Kaveh's one of the few decent individuals left on the planet, in your opinion. In moments of quiet, you, Kaveh, and Faruzan used to chat together, with Heizou periodically interrupting to share his findings regarding everyone's entrapment.

Considering how Kaveh is your last true friend left, you volunteered yourself.

"I never left my room," you spoke audibly depressed, no longer caring that you appeared un-idol-like. "And I refused entry as well. I heard a couple of angry knocks at 9:37 p.m., but I didn't open my door for anyone."

You looked at Kazuha, hurt and accusingly.

You'd never forget how Kazuha called you a murderer. That intense argument made up 30% of Heizou's class trial. He lost his composure and called you a "dishonorable monster". The whole back-and-forth was very much unlike him. After the trial, neither of you talked– and you never left your room unless it was to get something to eat without anyone in sight.

If he was the one who killed Faruzan because he can’t get to you, then you’ll…

"9:37 eh? You got a watch now?" Kunikuzushi pointed at your wrist.

You snapped out of your aggression and nodded, which made him break out in a fit of laughter.

"HAHAHA!!!" Kunikuzushi grinned, wide. "Learned your lesson, huh?!"

You scoffed, but your ego was humbled and your heart sank at his harsh words.

Everyone in the room nearly lost their lives because of your time-blindness. It's precisely what made Kazuha suspicious of your motives. You were always unsure of the time, hence, you didn't have the most watertight alibi compared to Ayaka. Before you entered your room to lock yourself, Alhaitham blocked the door with his shoe and handed you his spare wristwatch. He was the last person you saw before your self-isolation.

"Good," Alhaitham said. "And you, Kunikuzushi?"

"Are we going to ignore that angry knocking thing?" Kaveh rightfully asked.

"Let's complete the first task first," Alhaitham answered. "Let's follow the circle; it's (Y/n), then Kunikuzushi, Kaveh, Yoimiya, Kazuha, then I."

"Conveniently putting yourself last," Kunikuzushi snarled. "But whatever. I was napping in my dorm. Woke up when I heard footsteps outside and decided to investigate. The discovery alarm rang off when I entered the nurse's office the second time."

Kaveh fell silent, his face pale.

"I… never went to m dorm that night"

"Oh?" You and Yoimiya curiously said in unison.

"I-I was with Alhaitham, patrolling!!!" Kaveh defended; his arms in the air. "I swear on my life, I was with him! We're probably the footsteps Kuni heard."

He spoke as if it was a good thing with his mouth, but he was whispering that it wasn’t with his eyes.

"Can't be certain," Kunikuzushi threw in a quick grumble and snapped his fingers. “But I think that's probably the case.”

"That makes sense. I mean, if Kuni was telling the truth then that just means there's more chance it's just those two hopping around. Oh, and I was actually on the second floor at the time. I was in the recreational room cause I wanted to get tokens for the cute little Shogun Stall.'' If Kuni’s side comment lasted a month, then Yoimiya's would be a year– but her good cheer is just what everyone needed to alleviate the tension.

"I wasn't in my dorm room either," Kazuha said. "I was in the cafeteria. I couldn't sleep so I decided to fry fish."

"True, I think. When I checked the cafeteria a knife was missing from the shelf."

"We’ll keep your fact-checking in mind, Miss Naganohara."

No soul was sure if Alhaitham was being genuine about it except for you. And the answer was yes, he was being warily appreciative. Admittedly, you don’t know any of these people before this killing game started, except for one person…

Alhaitham looked away, conscious of how you looked at him.

In all fairness, Alhaitham was closer to Lumine than you and Aether, and he wasn’t your favorite neighbor either. As a kid, he was the type who would leave in the middle of hide-and-seek simply because the ordeal wasn’t “stimulating” to his developing intellect. He had a habit of causing uncomfortable situations just to “observe” your reactions with an emotionless stare. Alhaitham had once given you a sumeru rose with a startling grasshopper to see how you would behave, and the worst part is that everyone knows he did these without malice. His grandmother had to force a sorry out of him for your tears to dry. “He probably has a crush on you, you know how boys are,” was the excuse the old lady tried, but your twin siblings were quick to shut that thought down. You and he were simply oil and water, nothing more, nothing less.

But there were times you two got along. When you aired out loud sentiments regarding how stuffy his room must be, you snatched the book he was reading and dashed up the nearest tree. Despite his grumbling reservations, he was thankful that you taught him how to climb that afternoon. That was the first you saw him smile wider than usual and offered to narrate the book you stole: The Little Prince.

However, that version of Alhaitham you’ve come to love remains awol amidst this killing game.

"As for my whereabouts: Kaveh is correct. He and I were patrolling just the first floor and exchanging conversation. Neither of us could sleep. We started at 9:15 and ended abruptly at 11:05, when we, along with Kunikuzushi, found–"

"The body." Kunikuzushi finished.

"Yes," Alhaitham said.

Kunikuzushi smirked. From your perspective, the worst part about this was not Kunikuzushi’s inappropriate smugness, but the look in his eyes that mirrored what Heizou used to have— what your good friend used to be. The light in his eyes, his more forward demeanor, the way he crossed his arms and snapped his fingers– it was as if he was copying him.

Mocking him.

You hate Kunikuzushi. You detest just how much you don’t know why he’s in the Akademiya or anything else about him other than his first name. You loathe how he had made it his job to be the antagonist of every damn class trial. You hate how he looks at you as though you’re beneath him. You despise how much he is willing to withhold vital information till the very end.

Kunikuzushi is like a commedia dell’arte stock character. A Scaramouche. An unreliable servant. You can’t trust a man who said he was moved by your acting in all your filmography only to act like he wants nothing more than to crush your spirits once lives were at stake.

After listening to everyone’s alibis, your intuition screamed from something deep within a place you had begun to trust after experiencing these trials:

Out of six survivors, FOUR of them are hiding something.

“Is everyone present?”

Before you could speak up, a low and refined woman’s voice stole everyone’s attention. All turned to gaze at the long synthetic-haired lady with a katana by her side. She returned the stares with an unfathomable coldness as she strutted to her throne, the silk of her grand kimono touching the floor.

There she is. The lone audience and judge. The puppet: the Almighty Raiden Shogun. Undoubtedly made of metal and not flesh. Xiao had learned that firsthand when he sacrificed his life in an honorable duel against the captor— but seeking freedom by force was of no use when she herself is capable of the murders she wished to witness.

“Very well. We shall begin.”

“W-Wait, hold up, ma'am!”

The last vaguely extroverted cheerleader raised her hand; her bravery to interrupt the Shogun was acknowledged.

“... Can I share my E-Handbook data with (Y/n)?” She asked, high-pitched.

The medical and criminological technology of this era eluded everyone. Trapped inside the Akademiya with no phones or any signal to the outside world, each student only has their E-Handbook to rely on. It contains information the owner investigated regarding murders and records testimonies made by their peers. A handbook is only “handy” for both people who were hoping to survive and those who were hoping to twist the facts.

And that offer is exactly what you need.

“You see– they didn’t leave their room during the investigation period– probably worried that the killer might be after them next and they kinda turned into a hikikomori for the past few days. I’m kinda worried they wouldn’t be able to defend themselves on this trial so… So, uh… Pretty please?” The blonde girl smiled nervously.

The Raiden Shogun stared, calculating.

“I shall allow it.”

“Thank you so much!” Yoimiya tapped her E-Handbook as fast as she could, more eager than you were in watching the loading screen fill up.

(SYSTEM: RECEIVING NAGANOHARA YOIMIYA’S E-HANDBOOK DATA…)

(SYSTEM: TRANSFER COMPLETE.)

You smiled at Yoimiya but it came out crooked and jaded. She didn’t complain that you weren’t at your top form today, but she did send you a loud “Do your best!” in her native tongue.

The Shogun walked to the throne and took her seat.

“Now then, let the class trial begin.”

Out like a bolt of lightning, the doors behind you were completely shut with metal bars in her flick of a wrist. In her twisted form of justice, she hammered the circular surface with her gavel.

“Court is now in session.”

(SYSTEM: TAP HERE TO CONTINUE)

#yandere kaveh #yandere scaramouche #yandere kazuha #yandere wanderer #yandere alhaitham #yuraasia #elysia.reblogs #SPOILERS!!??!?!!!#I LOVE HIM BUT HE WAS SO FUCKING ANNOYING HERE ISTG #THIS IS WHY MY THEME IS KAZUHA #i love how kazuha being our past lover is canon in almost every ending and not just his own ending #GIRLY MADE A WHOLE ASS ACC FOR THE E HANDBOOK #I NEED MORE THINGS LIKE THIS THATS ACCESSIBLE IN MOBILE OR EASY TO PLAY #ANSY TYSM😭😭 YOURE A LIFE SAVER #MADE MY NIGHT (1-3/4 am) FRRRT #everybody say FUCK YOU KUNIKUZUSHI #I GET WHY READER WANTED TO KILL HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE #IF READER DID KILL HIM ALHAITHAM NEVER WOULDVE KILLED FARUZAN💔💔💔💔 she was so sweet😕😕🖕🖕#I LITERALLY DK HOW TO FINISH SCARA ROUTE HELP ME #“FOUR of them are hiding smth” OK??.. KAVEH 'KILLED' FARUZAN BCS SHE ASKED HIM TO AND HE HAD NO CHOICE #ALHAITHAM JUST FED HER FOXGLOVE PETALS WHICH MADE HIM THE REAL KILLER #KUNI IS THE FUCKING MASTERMIND AND THE “ALL KNOWING ARCHON IN THIS NEW WORLD”#KAZUHA IS OUR PAST LOVER AND THE MOLE #I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE BYE #HOLY SHIT SCARAS ENDING WAS SO TERRIFYING

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