#had a lot of fun yesterday im always happy to see my friends

[problemcore]

shadow the hedgehog plushy has been put in the freezer three (3) times total

[schoenpepper]

Fishies

Intro: In your dreams, this eel merman loves to bother you the most.

Warnings: bad writing, awful grammar, Floyd is a warning in and of himself, mentions of homicide haha, reader is yuu, i dont think i followed the req very well my bad, u and floyd are like super totally normal besties i prommy ahaha no romance here nope no sir, not proofread im like super ded, the glitch text is funny to me, yandere floyd and reader if u like squint super hard

A/N: Updates are slowing down a lot, I know, I'm so so sorry. Unfortunately, my course and univ are kind of competitive, and as someone who hates studying, I've been forced to actually study. Gross, I know. This is for my 300 follower event, for @anonymousplant. I hope you like it.

Masterlist

You’re a pretty normal person, at least, you’d like to think so.

But starting from when you were 5 years old, you’ve had a permanent, recurring dream. You tell your parents of a rowdy merman that tends to linger in your subconscious: his sharp-toothed grin, his sparkly tail longer than his torso, his pretty fins that fluttered when you tried to touch them. They didn’t believe you when you said he really liked trying to squeeze you to death, though they comfort you when you break into their room in the middle of the night sobbing your little heart out.

Yeah, Floyd is an asshole.

That’s his name, or at least, what he told you. You’re not too inclined to debate him on that considering his fondness of wrapping his ridiculously long (and freakishly strong) tail around you, squeezing you at a moment’s notice.

You thank whatever deity is listening that you can breathe underwater in your dreams. He does not seem like the kind of guy who wouldn’t drown you. You know, for fun. Every night when you fall asleep, you ready yourself to meet with your imaginary friend (that’s what your parents called him, though you prefer the term imaginary acquaintance, at best).

“Shrimpy! You’re here, hehe~”

You look at him harshly with your arms crossed in front of your chest, “You’re never this happy to see me. What do you want, fishy?”

“Neh, shrimpy~” the sparkles in his two-colored irises bring about a sense of fear in you, “do you know what dreaming like this means?”

“That I made up a weird eel merman in my mind?”

“I’m not made up. Don’t be silly, shrimpy!” Floyd’s tail slithers in the water, coiling around your legs, “Jade and I learned about it yesterday. You’re my soulmate!”

Ten-year-old you woke up in a nervous start.

Ew!

Why would you ever, ever, be caught dead being with someone like Floyd?! He’s annoying, and a fish, and so if you got together you’d be a fish too! But you don’t want to be a fish!

Your parents are surprised to find you in a very snappy mood the following morning.

“You left so quick, shrimpy! You don’t wanna be my soulmate?”

You snatch an iridescent fish swimming by, turning it into a big plushie with your dream powers. “But you’re annoying,” you stick out your tongue, “so I don’t want to be your soulmate.”

“Eh…?”

You glance at Floyd. He doesn’t seem too happy with your words—in fact, his eyes are narrowed and he’s swimming slowly, closer and closer to you. “But I like you so much, shrimpy~” he says, but there’s no expression on his face. He’s so, so uncomfortably close that you need to lean back to avoid touching him, “you don’t get to choose your soulmate, y’know? So it’s not like you have a choice, hehe~ But if you really wanna be rid of me, I can always squeeze you ‘til your eyes pop! If you’re dead, you wouldn’t have a soulmate anymore. Shrimpy, aren’t I so nice?”

“You suck.”

You kick at the dream water and swim away from the giggling eel.

“Wanna play chase, shrimpy? Okay~”

He’s not too bad. At worst he’ll get cuteness aggression and suddenly wrap himself around you, but most times you’re just chatting endlessly with him about what he calls “weird human things”, and you pester him for details about “normal fish things”. He talks about his octopus friend that he refuses to call a friend, and how takoyaki is his favorite food in the same sentence. You talk about having to dissect a frog in science class which he found really funny somehow. He tells you about his twin brother and their shenanigans together. You tell him about how your parents, your friends—no one believes you when you say that Floyd’s real.

He says they’re lame.

You’ve learned to keep him a well-guarded secret lest your parents recommend a mental hospital again, but he must’ve stuck himself real close to your heart when he starts becoming inseparable from your mind.

He’s become a really good friend.

With Floyd, no moment is ever dull, even when you’re just sitting together on some dream-conjured rock, leaning on each other silently.

There is no second in a day in which you’re not thinking of him. Your favorite part of the day is going to sleep to see him each night, spending hours with his eccentric tendencies. The fish has become a very important part of your life.

(Your friends in school ask you who you like in a discussion about crushes. You ignore the fact that his name is on the tip of your tongue.)

He’s your best friend. There is no secret you can keep from him, because despite Floyd’s usual laissez-faire attitude, one change in your expression and he’s onto you. You’d thought you would go through your entire life with him as your constant, you really did.

On your sixteenth birthday, he’s gone.

Not that he disappeared, but rather, you can’t dream anymore. You wake up the next day with no memory of any dream, and it fills you with panic. Your stomach is churning like a void is forming inside—an integral part of yourself is missing and everything feels so, so wrong. You make your bed and head downstairs to eat breakfast. Your parents question your demeanor in concern for your well-being, and you force out a smile. You tell them you’re fine? There’s no need to worry them about the loss of your imaginary friend, right? You’re okay. Maybe this is the change you needed. You’ll be an adult soon, and you can’t dream of a weird eel merman forever.

No no n̷̥̜̐ơ̷͉̪ ̴͚̉̾n̷͚̥͒̓o̵͍̾̆ ̵͍͑n̷̩̝͐ő̵̟ ̶̛̈́ͅn̴̟̣͝͠ȍ̴̢̜ ̸̳̾ǹ̷̳̮ö̴̠́

Where is he?

Where is F̸̛̛̛͇͉̳̝̫̹͒̏͒͊̐͜ͅļ̸̪͈̞̱͓̰̖͌̽̉̔̐̇̃̃̏ó̶̻̯̪̭̐͋̏͛͒̈́̇̽ͅy̶̟̳̬͉̙̖̫̙̻̑̏̌̔̇͂̋̌̕d̷̝͕̣͖̺̬̦̟̂͊͜?̶̧̛͕͎̼͔̈́̆ Ẅ̶̟̗́͠ͅh̶̦̞͚͙̣͛ỳ̴̢͓͓̗͔̗͓̀̉́͋͜͝ ̸̹́͐̿͛ī̵̡̛͎̪̭͉̫̋s̷̢͇͗̏̔͑̿́̚͜ ̵̡̟̄̀̈̆̎̓͝ͅh̵͕̓͂̍̀̔̊̏́ę̶̹̝̘̙̪̗͊̽ ̸̮̟̞͇̭͕̫́̆̀͑̓͗͜͠g̵̙̰̽̔̈́̃́̓̋̐o̸͚̱̟̳̘̦̖̊͐̓ñ̷̨͕͉͈̱̮̲̟ȅ̷͓͙?̴͖͎̳͚̟̲͚̂̔́̔͝͝

Why has he left you...?

Your vacation to your grandmother’s house does nothing to ease your worries (but if she ever heard you sobbing your heart out alone in your room, she never said anything about it).

There’s an old mirror in your bedroom in your grandmother’s house, owned by your late great grandparents. The floor length mirror is encased in an intricate gold frame, and it’s not too obvious until one night when you’d found yourself staring at it in a daze, but the reflection is off. It’s tinged with a layer of purple light, translucent and barely visible unless you pay attention. You try to sleep (it’s been evading you for three days, since the night of your birthday), cozy in your fluffy blankets and a blue unicorn onesie that your grandma had bought to try to cheer you up.

You’re woken by a bright light.

Careful, tiptoed steps lead you in front of the mirror. Your fingertips graze over its surface when a sudden force pulls you in—right in front of a crowd of a few hundred students.

So that was your first day in NRC.

You’d say it was nothing particularly remarkable considering everyone in this place has some sort of superpower, but to be honest, they think you’re so intriguing because you’re magicless. In their eyes that made you weak.

Helpless.

NRC is just filled to the brim with budding sadists.

Your first night in NRC goes a lot different.

It’s uncomfortable. The blankets and sheets are old and scratchy. The entire place is in disarray. It’s filthy and dusty and you’re sure you’re one step away from falling right through the floorboards because of how creaky they are. But tiredness makes for the best sleeping aid, and you’re prepared for another night of nothing.

You miss Floyd.

It’s a big shock when you’re met with your most beloved dreamscape instead of the void. Cold water that chills you to the bone, schools of colorful fish just passing by. There’s a long tail wrapped around a boulder, connected to a swaying half-human who’s blankly staring at the jellyfish. It’s all so familiar that your feet have acted before your brain has; you’re right next to him again.

(It’s where you should be.)

“Shrimpy!”

His voice is a welcome sound. His squeezing though, not so much.

“Floyd—ack! Ow ow ow!”

You almost swear you hear your ribs crack at some point with the way his tail and arms are putting pressure on it, but he only loosens his hold. He doesn’t let go.

You don’t mind that he doesn’t want to.

“Shrimpy’s so mean, why’d you gotta go no contact like that? It’s been so boring! I was super bummed, didn’t even wanna leave my room for that lame ceremony. Did you sleep when I was awake or somethin’?” he whines mournfully into your hair, “I thought… tsk, I told you soulmates aren’t changeable. Were you tryin’ to stop dreaming again?”

“No, the dreams just stopped,” you reply softly. It’s so oddly comforting to be in his arms, it makes you sleepy even in your sleep.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“You weren’t tryin’ to stop seeing me again?”

“I wasn’t. I promise.”

He hums, almost in relief.

(You don’t feel his lips gently, so gently, leaving a kiss on your neck where he’d buried his head. It’s so unlike him, but you make him act so weird.)

Grim wakes you up to look for breakfast in the cafeteria, and your time with your (platonic 💜) soulmate is over all too quickly. But something is stuck in your mind as you’re trudging through dimly lit halls with cat in tow. You knew the name Night Raven College rang a bell, but for it to be the very same school that Floyd had been ranting about for a year is just so unexpected.

(You’re finally in the same world.)

Then, is he here?

You didn’t manage to tell him about your most recent adventures last night. Maybe you should ask around and see if anyone can point you in the correct direction. At least, that was your original plan. Before an almost-burnt statue, a broken chandelier, two idiots who are actually really fun to hang out with, an abandoned mine with hostile ghosts…yeah. It takes you at least three more days before you remember to ask about Floyd in the school. You wanted it to be a surprise, so you kept it a secret from him. Though you probably should have expected that with all the mischief you’d gotten up to, your name was bound to reach his ears sooner or later.

“What the—?!”

“Ack!”

“Woah!”

Your first real meeting with Floyd starts with your cat and your friends being pushed to the ground in a pile.

“Shrimpy! You’re in my school! And you’re the funny student that’s been causing trouble? Now I’m annoyed I missed orientation for the freshies,” he does not hug any looser in his human form, “coulda’ seen you earlier. I coulda’ squeezed you earlier too~”

“Too tight, loosen up a bit please.”

“Okay~”

Ace and Deuce are looking up at you in shock with how casual you seem to be with him, but you pay their reactions no mind, only walking towards them with Floyd still wrapped around you, reaching out a hand to help them up.

(You don’t notice Floyd glower at the trio, or the way his hold tightens ever so slightly.)

They don’t take your hand, but you smile and introduce your best friend anyway. “Guys, this is Floyd. He and I have been in each other’s dreams since forever,” you pat Floyd’s arm that’s slung over your shoulder, “he says we’re soulmates but just ignore him, he’s kinda crazy. It’s probably some freak coincidence.”

“There you go again shrimpy, I thought we were over this? You still don’t believe me even now?”

“Soulmates don’t exist Floyd, don’t think about it too much. You know you’re still my best friend.”

(Ace and Deuce look at each other. Neither of them want to be the one to tell you—)

Soulmates are absolutely a thing.

And with the way that the big bad school bully, known for terrorizing at least half of the student population, is basically hanging off you, there was just no way that Floyd wasn’t completely and absolutely enamored by his cute, magicless little soulmate.

They should probably warn Grim that the eel merman wouldn’t be letting you sleep at Ramshackle tonight.

Or ever.

[year2000electronics]

wow. four years old huh. i'll keep this part short but sappy rant under the readmore! happy four years!!

it feels like just yesterday when i watched this series on a whim because my friend kept making jokes about my ocs with hlvrai quotes and then it was so funny and engaging that it pulled me out of a months-long depressive slump... feels like just yesterday that my work was finally being seen by people, yesterday that the summer of 2020 was one of the most interesting summers ive ever had, yesterday when the 2020-2021 school year ended up being one of the most difficult times of my life and hlvrai really helped me get through it. without exaggeration this series has changed my life

yeah we all may have had ups and downs, like a LOT of downs, but ill always consider hlvrai to be very special to me, not just because i love it but because it represents so many good things to me: friends joking around having fun, friends carrying their past experiences with them (gmod rping, an affinity for extensively-planned bits, jokes that could ONLY be made by rtvs with each other, you get it), and how the best things often come from happy accidents, from people who DARE to CARE, because hlvrai is good because theyre not afraid to be silly! theyre not afraid to be stupid and sincere and ridiculous!!

and the most inspiring part to me has always been that hlvrai wasnt made to chase any trends. it didnt come in the wake of anything, it was made, and then after it was made, rtvs pretty obviously made it clear that they wouldnt let their lightning-in-a-bottle series box them in. like everyone on the team is very strongly against ppl being parasocial to them, they dont let people beg them for the funny half life info and references, all that. as a creator its cool to see people doing what they love and not succumbing to any pressure algorithmically or otherwise, especially during the lockdowns, when a lot of other streamer-based fandoms cropped up that had a VERY big 'encouraging being parasocial' problem. its always been nice to have a web series thats just one of many awesome things rtvs has done

hlvrai was everything i could have ever asked for and more, and me myself i was perfectly content with just having the standalone series forever, because sometimes a standalone thing is all you need. but with hlage, bbvrai, and hl2vrai being announced, im still so happy to be here and so happy that i get to keep enjoying one of my favourite pieces of media <3

[vivgst]

Hey this is my first time doing an anonymous post but I just wanted to ask if you could maybe do like a fic where Valeria and reader are like friends with benefits but kinda have a tough and hateful love with eachother and sex too lolll

Heyyyy<3333 Dw, Im kinda new too, yesterday I was gonna answer one and I ended up deleting it.

All of us know how stubborn Valeria is, right? She lies a lot, even to herself.

Tw: Angst, smut, not happy ending.

If you had to talk about what your relationship with Valeria was like, you would say it was horrible, loving her was exhausting and consumed your soul, it hurt so much that you could even feel it physically and it was a hell that you refused to leave precisely because you were exhausted, leaving her was just another move that would leave you with less strength and you felt incapable of doing it.

And you were clinging, clinging to that kiss on the forehead that she gave you one night thinking that you had already fallen asleep, to her jealousy and possessiveness that seemed to be signs of love in a twisted and quite harmful way, you clung to her laugh that sounded like the one of a teenager and all those things that made you weak at the mere idea of ​​leaving her, you couldn't.

But with each passing day it became more present, it got in your thoughts like a virus and ate away your whole body, it made you spend sleepless nights.

What if you left her? It would hurt, yes, but you would be calmer and your peace was priceless, it was non negotiable, however you had given it to her as if it were not something important.

And eventually you got sick of it and in one of your endless arguments you left her mansion swearing never to return, she made fun of you, of course.

“You're going to come back like you always do.” She muttered mockingly as you walked out of the mansion with teary eyes.

But to her surprise, you didn't. Weeks went by and she didn't hear from you, you hid, you had the nerve to think she would be the one looking for you so you left your apartment, that made her even angrier.

Because well, she did look for you, but how dare you think she would? It had to be you, it was always you.

Valeria hated giving in, but she gave you what you wanted, she knew that even if you left your apartment you couldn't miss work so she went there at night.

Your heart almost jumped out of your chest when you were passing through a deserted alley and you felt an arm wrap around your waist and pull you deeper into said place, however you relaxed noticeably when you saw it was her.

“I thought I would crawl back to you.” You said sarcastically and she gave you a glare before rolling her eyes, Valeria hated your sarcasm but she would mess with you before you got through her and you knew that.

“You’re one of my best toys, chula.” She spoke in a low voice and you felt your heart sink and that uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that made you nauseous, something typical every time you imagined her with other women, in other arms, kissing other lips, it made you sick, there was nothing more unbearable than thinking about that.

But you were tired of fighting to show her that you cared, especially because it ended up being a sacrifice in vain that left you bleeding and if there was something that Valeria apparently liked, it was seeing you vulnerable and knowing that she was the cause of that pain.

“Maybe it's time you get someone better, there must be plenty of them out there.” You said and although what you wanted was to run away like a coward, you raised your face to meet her gaze that for the first time looked disconcerted, however she was able to hide it well in that mask of coldness she always had.

“I don't see the need to do that when I have you in front of me.” She spoke and you could tell she was going to say something else but you interrupted her.

“I don't want to see you again, Valeria. I don't want to keep in whatever this is, I don't feel like it.” You said and if you knew her a little better you might have noticed the fear in her eyes.

The idea of ​​losing you had never been something she considered because you had simply chased her so much that she couldn't imagine you leaving her, but it became real and she didn't like seeing herself waking up in an empty bed, wrapped in the same sheets she shared with you.

"You can not-"

“Are you going to force me?” You blurted out and knew that maybe implying that was a mistake.

She could do some crazy shit sometimes but never in her life and under no circumstances would she lay a hand on a woman if she said no, never. And you knew it, but you liked that now she was the one glaring at you, offended by your words.

“Oh, did I hurt your feelings?” Your voice was now echoing in the alley but there was no one and you were really so angry now that you didn't care if someone listened or not, you just wanted to hurt her, frustrate her. “You are like a man, you are always criticizing them but you are the same, you are doing the same shit they do to other women.” Your words hit a nerve and she pushed you against the wall, the sharp thump of your back against the concrete echoing throughout the place.

Valeria approached you, there was fire in her eyes and you grinned cheekily at her, no matter how angry she could be, she wouldn't hit you and you took advantage of that from the first moment you realized it.

“Shut the fuck up, do you have any idea what you're saying?”

“I do, honey. You are the same, you are just another rat, just like them. You're a fucking coward because you hate that I leave yet you still don't give me what I want!” You yelled at her and she clenched her jaw, Valeria was used to violence and her body normally reacted on its own to situations like these, so holding back was difficult for her.

“And what the hell do you want from me?” Valeria said, raising her voice as well and letting out a growl full of frustration, this night was going differently than what she planned. “What the fuck do you want? Speak". She murmured softly, her body pressed against yours and you felt yourself burning in her intense gaze, you hated her.

“You know what I want, I've said it a million times, you know I want to leave these games and be honest.” You tried to break free from the prison that was her body but her hands tightened on your hips, clinging to you as if the thought of letting go hurt. “I want you to admit that you have feelings for me.”

"I do not feel anything for you". She responded almost immediately and her gaze wandered all over the floor that was within reach of her eyes.

That was the problem with her, her love was weak, it wasn't enough. She was such a coward about this situation, you knew what she said wasn't true, but she refused to admit it, to being vulnerable because that would only hurt more in the end.

“Look me in the eyes when you lie to me.” You said in a whisper and when her gaze met yours your legs weakened, you could see the conflict in her tired eyes, the pleading and all the war that was inside her, she was showing it to you, because she never let you see nothing she didn't want. “Val, just-”

"I can't". She said in a thin voice and you had to swallow hard in an attempt to relieve the lump in your throat, her gaze was still fixed on yours and you knew what was going to happen, you hated yourself for it.

You hated yourself because when her lips met yours you didn't pull away, you wrapped your arms around her neck and held on to her. Her hands moved down to your thighs and tightened on them to lift you up and gently press you against the wall, your legs now hugging her hips.

The softness of the kiss went to hell as soon as it started, now her tongue moved inside your mouth with need and you sucked on it, earning a groan from her, your skin burning as you felt her body crushing yours against the wall and when her hand went to your pants you pulled away from her lips.

“You can’t fuck me in an alley.” You mumbled, you were breathless and panting, your chest rising and falling rapidly and you felt the adrenaline rush through your body. Valeria gave you a look full of confusion, her eyes narrowing slightly and you looked at her in disbelief, she was really confused.

"Why not?" She asked and you had to sink your teeth into the inside of your cheek, biting it to hold in your laughter, it was unbelievable.

She didn't let you respond, she just rolled her eyes and crashed her lips on yours again, her fingers massaging the inside of your thighs and you had to hold on to her arms when you felt her move away from the wall, starting to walk and you were embarrassed because... what if someone saw you two? but what was happening felt too good…

You both got into the back seats of her car and you began to undress her, almost tearing off her clothes because the desire you felt to touch her warm skin was killing you. Your hands moved desperately and even then it wasn't the speed with which you expected them to move, plus being in that small space was quite uncomfortable, but you managed and then she helped you undress.

You straddled her thigh, her hands on your hips and yours on her shoulders to balance yourself a little as she began to move you slowly, the feeling stimulating enough to soak her skin and make you shudder, your sensitive nub throbbing every time as your hips rocked and you caught your lip between your teeth to keep from moaning too loudly, who knows, maybe someone outside might hear.

Valeria had her gaze fixed on yours, she loved it, she loved watching you fall apart in front of her and the way your gaze relaxed when you were turned on, how weak you were for her.

The heat was unbearable, the car windows were foggy and you began to ride her thigh faster, chasing your pleasure that swirled in your belly like a wave of fire. Your hand went between her thighs and you began to make circles with your thumb, gently massaging her clit, your other hand made its way to her jaw, raising her face abruptly so that her eyes returned to yours.

What you liked most about having sex with Valeria was that she could never swallow her pleasure, you had her almost drooling just from playing with that nub of sensitivity, she couldn't even moan, she just panted, she felt dizzy and there was no nothing she could think about other than how good you made her feel.

You weren't much different, your body was numb from tensing up so much, trying to hold onto your orgasm but you couldn't take it anymore and you let it wrap you in a warm hug, the movement of your hand between Valeria's thighs becoming erratic and trembly.

Suddenly you felt her hiss and her juices soaked your hand, both of you relaxed after the release and you got off her lap, the heat burning your skin wet with sweat, among other fluids.

You wanted to sleep right there, you were exhausted, but you didn't want to leave and you knew she wouldn't let you. And normally you would argue for her to listen to you and take you home, but you let her take you to the mansion, you let her guide you to her office even though you knew the way more than well, and you let her take off your clothes, much more slower than how you moved in the car. You sat at her desk, now she was the one who was taking off her clothes under the intensity of your gaze and everything began to move in slow motion but fast at the same time, you felt influenced by the same feelings that invaded you every time that you saw her, all the frustration and anger, uncertainty and pain, because you loved her and she insisted that she didn't.

She didn't love you, but her eyes ran over your body softly, she didn't love you but her hands worshiped your body as if it was one of a goddess, and you told yourself that she didn't love you thousands of times, while she kissed you, while her fingers sank inside you delicately.

But how could she not love you if the way she made love to you was a confession? The passion with which your bodies were wrapped was a poem and an oath that the fire could consume everything in its path except what she felt for you.

And it was so overwhelming to feel her so close knowing that her soul refused to connect with yours, your eyes betrayed you, letting the tears run down your cheeks and her eyes fixed on yours, she didn't need to ask anything because she already knew. Valeria knew it. She knew and felt your pain that was also hers, even your pain was hers, there was nothing left of you that you could claim as your own.

"I’m sorry, I’m sorry". She murmured and had to take a deep breath to contain the sea of ​​emotions that would soon form a wave to try to drown her.

She pulled you into her arms, in one of those hugs that made you feel comforted, but they were the same arms that hurt you so the comfort also felt wrong, out of place.

You couldn't realize when you fell asleep, but you woke up with one of the pajamas she had bought you, in her bed, in her sheets, but without her.

Like always.

And you decided to blame the burning in your eyes from haven’t had much sleep, you decided you weren't crying because she had run away from you, you weren't crying because this was what always happened, she left you before you woke up because having a conversation with you was overwhelming and her throat felt dry just thinking about it.

You weren't crying, or were you?

You didn't know anymore.

[whoslaurapalmer]

hi. I can't sleep so here's a cute lil super vague picture of my mom, and me, from when I was born 💖

this was taken september 28th, the year i was born, when I was finally able to come home from the hospital, because I was born a whole two months premature. I'm so tiny!! and my mom's smile is so big!!!!!

when I look at pictures of her I can really see. how badly she'd been doing the past few months. I knew she wasn't doing well, but when you see somebody every day, sometimes you still don't always see-see it, you know? anyway this is how I want to remember her. not sick. but cute and precious and with her big smile, and with me. (even if this week I still told her she looked cute. cause she's my mom, of course she's always cute.)

she did pass away today. everybody who's been to the house has been so, so kind to me. the hospice nurse, even, was so surprised that everything happened so quickly. she thought there would be just a little more time. she gave me like three hugs, and when I told her, "I know this is part of your job, but you give great hugs." she dropped her bags and went "OH, you haven't SEEN the kind of hugs I can give." and hugged me AGAIN and said "you think I give out hugs to just anyone?? come on." which, damn. that was a squeeze. and the funeral arrangement guy who was here yesterday came back today, of course, and even he was in tears about my mom. best friend came over and we talked for hours, about my mom, about the usual everything we talk about. I got into contact with one of my high school friends just the other day, and we talked about how much my mom meant to him when we were teenagers. and I'm really happy there are people who got to meet my mom and understand how special she was and got to feel loved by her.

there's lots of people who are gonna help me with the house, and with me, and where I go now. so im trying not to be, uh, too horrified about that. our neighbors, my aunt, we actually JUST ran into someone who used to help my brother when he worked, who's now on a committee for senior and special needs housing -- she's engaged to the guy fixing my grandmother's septic tank??? what are the odds????? so. I keep telling myself that's gonna be okay. I made my brother pasta for dinner, and we ate it with our aunt, and we watched mythbusters. things are gonna be weird and not always. easy. but I'm gonna be okay. because my mom told me she knew I could do anything, so. I can be okay. And I don't always have to be, either. But I can be okay.

ive kept it together like. really well today. bc there's lots of things I have to help my aunt take care of. and while I had already been thinking a lot about like. my mom not being here. and rearranging my brain around that idea. i know it's still gotta really sink in. that she's not here. im gonna wake up tomorrow and she wont be here, waiting for me. she's not gonna be able to hold my hand when I'm upset or hug me or call me food nicknames or hang out with me. but we were really, really happy, the day after she came home from the hospital, when we talked about how much fun we've had doing things together. always together. and how we wouldn't change anything, and how we'd do it all over again. so i felt like we'd said everything we needed to to each other. I know she was so proud of me, always. and that she thought my silly bill crafts were the coolest things ever. and that I could never make her upset. and she could never make me upset either. she was so silly and so loving and so fun, and wanted more than anything to be a mom, and to be loving and caring, and she was so good at it. and I'm so happy she was my mom.

[mintythecup]

HAPPY NEW YWARS GUYS

I wanna give a thanks to alot of people here

going by my followers

I wanna say thank you for all the support you all have given me, and helping me get through this rough year. I've never expected to get this far and meet the people I have now.

you all mean so so much to me that you don't even know, it means the fuvking world to me that you all have supported me for what I do

@shortcakelils i wanna give a thanks to you for being there when you could, and im thankful I was able to try or even help you, you have given me so much inspiration that it helped me increase my ability and improve alot. its been a year now that we have been best friends and one day we actually might meet. thank you so so fucking much for everything man, I hope you have a good new year (even tho it was yesterday lmfao)

@whosectype i wanna give a thanks to you for BEING MOOTS WITH ME. BRO YOUR ART IS SO FUCKUNG AMAZING I CANT, thank you for letting and even inviting me into the better casino, but generally. thank you for being my friend, it means alot. I hope you have a good new year aswell, it was just a good journey we had, even if we didn't know eachother for very very long. I wish you a good career on this path. thank you so much

@mochlinathecuphead241 i wanna give a thank you too mocha! you watched me improve alot in my art and in myself, your art is amazing and im thankful to be your friend too. I love that we had to experience lots of fun time together even when we were on that live lmfao. it means alot to be friends with you, even if we did have some differences. thank you so so much for being my friend. I hope you have a good year:)

@creator-of-monsters MY FUCKING IDOL. MY FRIEND. thank you alot for just being my friend, especially in the better casino, your aus and art has given me so so much inspiration that I cant even explain, it means alot being your friend especially mutuals, but generally, just you standing there being a human being is already so much to take in 😭, i hope you have a good new year :D

@lunarshadow04 i can't even explain, thank you so so much just for being there. your art is amazing and I can't even explain how good your designs art tbh, thank you for being my friend too, JUST KEEP STANDINH THRTR AND BEING AMAZING YOU GOT THIS EGEHEHE I hope you have a good year too :)

and for the rest. thank you so so much for everything, so much can't be explained as I'm on a small ass phone right now

@cjhs-world @4ce-of-2pades-inkwell @mimuo-no @cupsnroses @magicalbarau @cupid-shortcake @potatoreak @winterleaf098 @carlarosenakilah @fresacake (I cant with ur pfp fresa. IMMA BEAT YO-) @memento_morii(I couldn't find ur account in sorry) @fizz-wizz-dizz @cups-and-pentacles and everyone else! (im sorry I couldn't remember more)

and lastly. my brother mugsy,

I wanna give a special thanks to you, thank you so much for being there and helping me. but I'm also thankful for helping you along the way, I'm making sure one-day we will meet. I'm thankful that we have met and im thankful I was there when others couldn't, I love you so so much that you don't even know. you're my brother. even if we aren't related, we may live far but one day we will get to see eachother one day, ill make it happen even if we don't talk anymore. I still want to make sure that we are gonna hug properly for the first time. I remember the times when we would talk 24/7 and I'd smile each time I saw ur notification. two hours ahead of me yet nothing can keep us separated. even if you hurt me, I know it wasn't intentional. I love you alot mugs, after we met. I hardly had anyone around that would keep my phone blown up and all, I hardly had any notifications come up at all until I met you. my phone was always silent when I woke up to be honest, until I met you, I always woke up with your notifications and it made me so happy to have someone to talk to. thank you for being there, you even got to watch me change for the better and even changed myself for other people aswell. thank you so so much

and to my online parents, thank you alotnfor being my parental figures. nurf, lin, arka and kat. thank you alot for being the parents I couldn't never been able to get even just talking to me helped alot. through the times I was forced to do something I couldn't back out of, lin thank you so so much. even helping with your au designs also was a big thing for me. I love you all so so much and you all mean alot to me :D♡

@notarkanoria (I COUnRNT FIND YOUR USER JEHFJSJDJDJJD IM SOREY FATHER FIGUREq)

I CANT FIND ANY OF UR FUCKINF ACCOUNTS

[hanafubukki]

This one about Monster from Epic album and Lilia 🥹

This album is a gold mine of inspiration. I can talk about one single sentences of lyrics for one hours. The musical vibes sent you in so many different places. And it have so much different style from one song to another. And it sent me back in my Greek mythology area again. Also, too much Oc's, too much stories, to much crossover possible !

This whole album is my current obssession. The only sad part is that I'm the only one understanding english in my circle of friends and family 🥲 Still trying to convert my younger brother. One day I will take someone in the Epic boat with me. I'm still so grateful to you for making me discover this project 🥹

- 🦋 Anon

[referencing this fic]

Hello 🦋Anonie,

Yessss, I’m glad you liked the fic 🦋Anonie. I had it in my drafts since the Underworld Album released. And been adding on to it since then when the mood stuck. I had it finished for awhile now, but I don’t know it didn’t feel right post it until yesterday. And behold! I find out the new saga released. The timing is uncanny but greatly appreciated and loved 🥳

The Underworld Album is sooo sooo good and it’s such a Diasomnia core and especially Lilia core Album. The lyrics?? The score?? Ahhhh I can’t even word the way it just hits you in the feels!!

Fun fact, I had/have (haven’t decided what I’m going to do with it) a fic with the Underworld song from that album. It was going to be another Lilia centric fic in the past but technically I got the idea of what I wanted to convey through with the Monster song fic since they share lyrics and all so I might scrap it since I only wrote a few lines. We’ll see. 🤔

But Monster?? Oh that song just spoke to me. Everything just filled that inner part of me. What if I became a monster? Just the idea of what anyone would do to return to their loved one. To see them again. Just the actions they would take? Chef kiss.

And you know, you know Lilia wouldn’t let anything stop him when it came to his family. You know he would give it all. 💞💞

There’s also the OT3 one you sent me with the knight of dawn and Lilia AND IM SHAKING YOU. I want to write it so bad but the stars and my brain haven’t aligned with my hand to type out exactly what I want ABDKSKFNFN

But that song?? Ohhhh the potential!! The potential!!!!!

Good luck coverting your brother 🦋Anonie, you can do it!! You’re always more than welcome to talk about it with me Anonie. I haven’t heard the recent album yet but from what I’ve seen, it’s a doozy and I need to get myself ready for it.

I’m so happy to know that you discovered the epic musical through me 🥹💞😭 that makes me very happy and that you enjoy it so much. It always makes me happy when people enjoy or love what I love or I can introduce them to it. So, thank you 🦋 Anonie 🫂💚 it means a lot for me to know this.

[carmenized-onions]

HEY LOVELY!!!! Now this, THIS, was worth every day i waited. IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING. Everything i dreamed it to be and more.

Tony and Mikey scenes? HEARTBREAKING. Every moment they have together, no matter sad or happy, is slowly chipping away at my soul.

Carmen getting a therapist? Genius. Don't know why the writers haven't given him one, boy does he need it.

Syd and Richie making sure Tony is taken care of by sorting Carmen out before he see's her again? Everything. I need them as friends, right now. NOW.

(still pissed at Carmen, though.)

The way you write characters reactions to grief is, like, stunning. STUNNING.

ALSO, as someone with a brother who struggles with drugs, seeing Mikey being portrayed as a nice person with loving friendships is really amazing to see. (the fact i have another brother called Mikey too, freaky? probably not. BUT IM A DRAMATIC PERSON OKAY?)

Anyway, i am genuinely in love with this series. You should be so incredibly proud of your self. Would i be able to get onto the tag list?

He congratulates you.

the absolutely shattered render quality of this image really fucking makes it. packing update: I've just got the desk and closet left! and also my billion plants.... i really don't want to think about the plants...

SO GLAD it was worth the wait, I hope chapter 14 also is. I'm not the most happy with the ending scenes right now... Happier than I was yesterday... but maybe I just need to stop looking at it, honestly. I'm transforming into S3 Carmen changing that menu every 5 fucking minutes AH.

CHIPPING away you say? not funny. I'd had these scenes in my head for a minute, but I was so worried about being off-base with Mikey's character because all I had to go off of was Fishes, so thank you God for Napkins I would've been so fucked.

SPEAKING OF S3, I know,,, it makes sense that he doesn't have one I mean he hesitated so much to just go to al-anon but even fucking al-anon in S3 he's reverted to just not fuckin' talking which SUCKS !! DON'T SUBTRACT !! PLEASE STOP SUBTRACTING IM BEGGIN YOU!!

I love Syd and Richie and the way they combine forces when it comes to their Shared Work Wife. I think what's so fun about it is that without this being for Chip, Syd wouldn't be so direct, and Richie would be so much fucking meaner, but because it's for her, they actually make an effort to sort Carmen the fuck out. And also beat his ass. two things can be true.

And THANK YOU I write a fuck ton of grief poetry and I think I just went to like. a lot of funerals as a kid. an unexpected consequence of having a kid a lot later than everyone else. It's in my bones. but like in a fun way.

Also, when I read this for the first time, I remember being SO confused because I was like. "There was another option?" And forgot that people fucking suck and see people struggling or in recovery as something that is other. Fucking ew. I never had any intention of portraying Mikey other than the really fucking good brother he is, who also just so happens to be struggling. Don't applaud a fish for swimming! People are people and they should be written as fuckin' people!!!! But I am glad my portrayal was appreciated none the less. YOU'RE NOT DRAMATIC!!

Of COURSE you can be added!! Though I will say, sometimes it doesn't always work when I tag people. So I am. sorry. I think it's something in tumblr settings? Gotta set your shit public or taggable or something? regardless. i'll fuckin put your name in there for sure!! thank you for your thoughts m'love!!

back to packing.... desk or closet desk or closet.... flipped a coin i got desk mannnn... wish me luck!! do i have anything from chapter 14 i can give you?

is this spoilery? c'est la vie, take it. kisses kisses see you in ideally less than an hour when i finish desk packing.

[azhdarchidae]

Life is good lately :) a few problems but there always is

ex reached out to exchange our stuff so i dont have to decide when to do that bc i dont know. The norms there. Oups.

Having fun w boytoy the issue there is im kind of too attached and been texting him a lottt i think its cuz of the breakup. Im endeavoring to talk to other friends too and take breaks. But its a good problem that theres someone i like talking to too much LMAO

One of my friends who stopped going to class, texting me etc has recovered from her mental health moment and shes going to class and i get to see her again!!

I think i have a great shot at this remote job which has a self paced kinda schedule. Waiting to hear back on my application

Even if that dont work out im feeling a bit more confident in my skills for an irl job

>:/ school board hasnt gotten in touch w me about my stupid classes i need to bother them

Need this document from my school and im kinda busy this week

Im falling illll i think, its not as bad as my usual colds but its so annoying cuz the last one wasnt even 2 months ago. And im an obligate stoner so it hurts 2 smoke. I just wanna hang out w my friends and suck face like this is not fair

Ive been getting more and more physically active. I had to force myself out for walks at first but now i crave it regularly!! Ill just be sittin there and get the feeling that i need to move and do things :) i put a step tracker on my phone cuz curious and all the stuff i did yesterday didnt feel crazy, maybe a bit of an annoying amount of walking. But that was over 15,000 steps 😵‍💫 when 10k/day is supposed to be a good goal for health. So im fitter than i thought i was!!

Ive been struggling w my body, feeling pretty and embodied. I really want to do strength training bc i think itll help a lot, just need to be able to afford gym. Also martial artsss doing bjj or boxing or smth will make me super happy. And like looking more muscular will make me feel better gender wise i think. I cant really achieve curvy woman w my genetics but i can achieve Strong Woman through hard work n perseverance and that might make me happier quite honestly. Plus i can manually give myself an ass and thats my main insecurity my flat little butt

Struggling w body hair. Waxing means i have to wait a long time for everything to grow back but shaving is not an option bc its sensory bad. Waxing also takes so long it took me 2 days to do both my legs the first time. Maybe ill get faster w practice but UGGGGH i hate spending loads of time on my appearance and being all finicky and shit. Maybe its worth it to pay someone to do it for me >_<

[boyswanna-be-her]

Let me preface this by saying that I'm recounting all of this kind of mundane shit about BFR for myself because guaranteed I'm going to be trying to understand/recap this narrative while im lonely in colorado. And honestly I know it's gonna be easy for me to forget details and second-guess shit that feels so obvious to me in the moment. So if you don't want a blow by blow of this absolutely PG romantic relationship, just skip this one for now.

Today was really nice and the first day in a little while where I haven't had anything pressing to do. It was pouring at the clinic today--has been all week. Yesterday I sat in my front seat w BFR and we smoked a joint together and made fun of the one wet protester until the rain passed. Great morning.

We had lunch together at one of my favorite taco spots in my old neighborhood, and then we had to walk back to the thai place where we ate dinner the night before bc they'd left their sunglasses behind. We went to a coffee shop for a while where they patiently waited for me to be done with a working meeting on my laptop. Then we took a walk in the park in between rain. It was just seamless, idk. There's no question that we'll go do the next thing together. When the rain wouldn't let up at the park, I suggested we go to one of my fave places in the city, and I drove us to a giant used bookstore that was a few miles away.

I didn't realize until we got there that they'd never been before!! I try to take everyone I can there if they're from out of town, and it is ABSOLUTELY my favorite place to both take a new date and have a special date with an established partner. I don't feel guilty about taking basically everyone I've ever dated there--a good date is a good date. There's a lot of built-in conversation to be had and it's easier than a bar and free to wander around. We accidentally killed an enormous amount of time there, and we shot the shit about 20th century history which is my jam, so amazing to talk abt it w someone who can hang, READS, and doesn't have anything to prove in terms of static knowledge recall.

We hung out for a little while but they had yoga and I wanted to head home so we split up after that and it felt... weird? Like it always feels like there's this last step we are missing to our goodbyes. They forced a hug one time when we were saying goodbye from the clinic, but it was really early on and RIGHT when I was coming to terms with being attracted to them (like second time seeing them after having the realization) which means I was in ultra robot mode, and also assumed it was one-sided and they were just trying to be nice. Like I literally think I did a one arm side hug and they were so dejected they never tried again. Now we're weeks later and it feels weird that we're not kissing goodnight or something.

But I had the evening to myself and finally broke down and talked to someone from my real life about them. He was very affirming that I'm not insane, and just recapping the timeline to someone made it make more sense in my mind. I didn't even have to present half of my evidence for my friend to say yeah, that's going in A Direction. I just second guess it all for a variety of reasons, but for example when I screenshotted a text and sent it as evidence that I feel like they text me like a coworker sometimes, my friend pointed out that nobody in the history of neutral coworkers has ever crafted such a long and careful text. Which. Touche.

This morning we were back out at the clinic bright and early. My friend was supposed to join us but she couldn't at the last minute. Instead she dropped into the chat and asked if someone could fill in for her. If I didn't feel like we were already attracting attention (spoiler: we are), i would've REALLY preferred to jump in and say "noooo worries, no third wheel needed please." But we are getting a little visible. So I didn't. And BFR's friend jumped in to take my friend's place volunteering with us.

I ended up being really happy the friend was there though! The two of us are more like a couple when there IS a third person there, although the vibe can be a lot to navigate sometimes and I often have to shut down and take some time to myself. It wasn't unwelcome to have him there though. It makes the vibe between me & bfr more apparent, pronounced, whatever. We already have such a shorthand in common which 😍 wrow, communication fluency.

I invited his friend to lunch with us, and he accepted, and it was fun--I took them to my favorite Greek place which is legit like three blocks from the clinic.

Friend went on his way, the two of us moved to the next location: their favorite spot to work. I also love this location bc you can watch the afternoon rain and vape furiously on the porch without getting wet. Like I said, today was the first day in a while where neither of us had much to do in the way of work. They have been threatening to inflict their favorite board game on me for a while now, and it finally happened today. I am notoriously uninterested in board games (more like bored games amiright) but the combo of my biggest fan being excited to teach/compliment me on how AMAZING i am at it (rofl lying but ok) and the inherent fun of the game meant that I, uh, had a lot of fun, unfortunately.

We did two REALLY close rounds, and in the second game they almost fully missed a work call they had at 7:00 (I remembered bc i am insane but I also didn't mention it until 6:50 bc I thought maybe they were goofing on me and pretending like they'd lost track of time). Turns out they had been planning on muting and barely looking at the meeting anyway bc they didn't wanna stop playing--which is flattering but I'm also like "[Redacted], i already very much want the best for you, INCLUDING not becoming completely codependent and risking your living bc im so charming and fun" so there was a lot of me pausing the play and asking about the meeting.

By the time that was over, we were already butting up against the time we were supposed to meet their friends to lift tonight. We hadn't eaten dinner but they offered to feed me at their place which was perfect. We went straight back and holy shit their homemade leftovers were delicious.

Their friends came on time to lift and the first thing out of the mouth of the one who knows me better was "you and [redacted] have really been spending a lot of time together huh?" The two of us made eye contact and kinda laughed and BFR said "yep" and both made the 😬 face and the friend wouldn't let it go and repeated "you guys spend all day together now..." and my 😬 face couldn't get any more intense and he said "all day... today..." i said "yep we're pretty codependent." (I'd made the same not-joke yesterday when I was very truly pointing out that I don't remember what to do with my alone time anymore, and they not-jokingly replied "yeah we've ruined each other." Which like. At least we're aware.) Only later did I realize that BFR mustve been talking to the friend about it bc I definitely wasn't and there was no public talk about it in our shared discord so 👀 bitch i see u chatting in private abt me.

Lifting was incredible as always. Their friends who are a decade younger than us and sometimes join us, sometimes don't, really crack me up and I have such a good rapport with one of the guys that I think I lift better with him around (the one who was giving us a hard time tonight). He dishes out the abuse I give him while lifting, which I love. Between him and bfr, I feel like a fucking all-star lifter in that little garage gym. They talk positively about my form when they don't even realize I can hear them. Even so, BFR will not hesitate to call me out when a lift looks bad or I need a cue.

So yeah. It's nice. Hanging out at their place, being fed, getting let in on a LOT more inner details than I got in the first months of knowing them. That's all lovely. I always try to text them and let them know when I've had a lot of fun with them, and that's just basically turned into a nightly check-in. On Sunday, I got a very coworkery (imo) message from them about enjoying our time together, thanking me for my "wonderful company," thanking me for spending so much time together, thanking me for attending so many events with them, and saying that they are "definitely down to keep hanging out in the future." At the time I felt like "that's a weirdly formal way to put all this" but getting home to tonight's much more neurotic message made it make more sense (along w the feedback from a trusted friend who makes good points). Like it was a careful message because they are being exceedingly careful with me. They know some of my more obvious damage (all the psychic sucking chest wounds are hard to ignore after a few weeks of learning about me, and i've been going out of my way to be quite "warts and all" with them). They value our time together A LOT. And the more that I understand our similarities, the more I know that they're also likely really fucking scared to endanger the chemistry of this friendship by introducing ANY other dynamic.

Im finally getting to the end here. Tumblr will probably eat this entry. I'm posting it before a full edit--RIP anyone parsing this.

But the message that I came home to tonight was FINALLY a little more vulnerable, and essentially said that if I want to spend LESS time with them, I'm going to have to tell them that straight up, and that that'll be ok, but if so they need to lnow because this is the amount of time they want to spend with me (all of it), and they don't anticipate that changing.

So! Guess I'll puke and die now! Literally spent five minutes last night considering how I could smuggle them to Colorado with me. Also I haven't had anywhere to put this but since this is an all-bfr all the time blog now, we are going to go on a trip together to chicago in August! There's an actual reason to go other than lovefest vacation (pretty much a work trip for them that I've been asked to tag along for) but as we are actually finalizing the trip plans, it definitely feels more than a little bit like we are going on a lovefest vacation. Which is all the more reason why it would be great to not be hella conspicuous (even though it's a little fun being hella conspicuous).

Like I didn't need another human to come validate my existence, but I *did* need to meet someone who could threaten the idea that I'm ready to die alone. It's nice. It's all nice!! I'm definitely not crying and throwing up!!!

[cobaltperun]

hello hello helloooo. my, have i been the busiest bee in the hive. i cant even remember the last time i opened tumblr (and its been KILLING me.) you see, i live in america. im not exactly patriotic or whatever, but my brothers birthday is the fourth of july... so, i suppose its not a bad reason to celebrate the holiday. now i just simply wanted to see what all the fuss was about. i invited a friend, we got adult juice, bam, guaranteed fun night. was it fun? i think so. do i remember a lot of it? no, not at all.

i vaguely remember my sisters boyfriend saying something about a piggy? talking about my sisters weed? and for some godforsaken reason, someone convinced me to take a hit of it. after that? everything felt fuzzy as all hell. i have little memory flashes of me talking to my mom, my friend and i staring in the bathroom mirror, and eating an ungodly amount of cookies.

the moral of this story to whoever is reading this is: be safe. always be mindful of what you're putting into your body. mixing weed and alcohol can be very dangerous if you dont do it right

oh, p.s. my friend also slammed my pointer finger in the car door. im pretty sure its okay? its been 5 days since the 4th but here i am, talking about it like it was yesterday. also, howve you been lately? any interesting things been happening?

anyway, much love, cassius ❤️

Well, hello there Cas! 💙

Fun fact, in all 25 years of my life I have never gotten drunk or high. Not being able to remember everything or not being completely aware of things is something I despise thinking about, let alone experiencing, so I'll take your word for it 😁

Happy late birthday to your brother, by the way! I'm happy you had fun!

I've been okay. Tried to go on a break for a month, but personal things happened and I needed an escape, so back to writing I guess 😅😅 other than that, same old stuff.

p.s. let someone take a look at your finger, just to be sure

[lqfiles]

BROOO HAECHAN PISSES ME OFF IN YOUR STORY you write him and y/n’s banter so good 😭 like i usually read enemies to lovers but sometimes it’s just them saying “i hate you” LIKE I WANT MORE BANTER? And you depict it so well 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

TALENTED WRITER FRRR 🫵🏼

but like i genuinely mean it when I say the emotions you convey in your works are so good. just happy to read and like because it’s so good, i want more 🫴🏼 heh

also yk it’s bad when y/n doesn’t ask about jaehyun 😭😭 MARK PLS ✊🏼

(also i see that Spanish heh ty!! ask me if you want to know more!)

AGAIN YOU DID SO GOOD PLSSSS YOU DESERVE ALL THE PRAISES AND APPRECIATION 🫶🏼 you deserve a lot and im happy everyone appreciates the series so much (SAME)

no life updates today but, did watch my favorite v-tuber today (and remembered how he has read my comments 🤞🏼)

- 🫧

(bella barked once at a dog and yes, i scolded her bc she has never barked at another dog and thankfully, she didn’t bark at another dog. she also made friends with two more dogs and I made friends too 😋 but yeah, bella is gonna be 11 months next month and i swear she was just 2 months yesterday)

HES PISSING YOU OFF YAASSS MISSION SUCCESS FR and fuckk omg thank you for saying that 🥺 i was literally trying to make sure that wasn’t the case, like i remember i saw this one post that was like “there is a difference between RIVALS and ENEMIES that a lot don’t understand” and i’m trying to make sure the difference is there lol, he’s meant to annoy you guys!! and the banter adds to it i love it too

you always flatter me ilysm seriously 😣 hopefully the upcoming chaps will also make you feel the emotions and YESS YOU KNOW ITS HAD WHEN SHE FOESNT EGEN CARE ABOUT THE MENTION OF JAEHYUN, HYUCK REALLY GETS ON HER NERVES LMAOO

omgg okay please tell me how to say “how are you?” or just any regular phrases that can be said in convos, i’m gonna try and whip it out next time i’m talking to a friend and convince them i’ve secretly been studying spanish 🤓 NOT YOU GETTING RECOGNISED BY YOUR FAVE OMGG i’m trying to remember if i ever got recognised and the first thing that comes to mind is the one time jorja from the gg FLO replied to me on twitter 😝😝😝 my biggest flex.. i love her..

you said that she’s still a baby so i’m assuming that’s just her experimenting, it’s cute that she isn’t even a year old yet like she’s genuinely just a baby 🥺 cutie, and i’m glad both of you made new friends, sounds really fun and i hope she’ll get to make more friends ^^ have a nice day and stay hydrated and eat well!!

[enjomo-arch]

#2. Who was your first muse?

To  be  honest  I  don't  even  remember  my  memory  is  goldfish  I  can  barely  remember  what  I  ate  yesterday  (  don't  ask  im  not  able  to  tell  you  idr  lmao  ).  The  first  or  lastest  muse  I  can  think  of  was  muse  from  dead  by  daylight.  Old  times  when  I  had  fun  playing  games.

#4. Favourite thing about roleplaying?

well,  writing  !  and  meeting  new  friends  I  love  making  friends  I'm  like  insanely  communicative  I  talk  a  lot,  really  a  lot  and  I  need  to  talk  to  people  or  I'll  rip  my  hair  out.  I  cherish  friendships  I  can  make  thru  writing,  I  am  beyond  happy  to  meet  new  people  and  form  long  lasting  relations.  It's  always  a  delight.

#16. Favourite trope?

partners  in  crime,  slow  burn  romance  and  heartbreaking  angst.  I  love  chaos,  I  love  lighthearted  interactions  and  I  love  pain.  A  little  bit  of  sadness  in  my  life,  A  little  bit  of  love  by  my  side,  A  little  bit  of  slowburn  all  I  need,  A  little  bit  of  chaos  what  I  see.

@kickxsscook : munday meme : 2, 4, 16 (: ( prompt. )

[thegroundsofbrooklyn]

I MISSED YOU TOO TUMBLR IS AGAINST ME IT KEEPS EATING MY ASKS THOUGH IT SAID THEY SENT

OKAY SO THE PEOPLE FROM YOUR CORNER OF THE WORLD ONE DIRECTION I love Louis tomlinson so much. I loved him in 1d and loce him now. We had lots of pride stuff at our shows because well do you know the story of Larry stylinson? -Louis probably isn't straight (I mean being in love with your male best friend would suggest) but he has never specifically said what he is also he's so support of his LGBT fans and we love and support him so so much. He's so sweet and his music is great and real and he writes about sad things too!

soooooo I drove 3 hours to Ohio to see him on Thursday after work. I almost got heat exhaustion so hot. They did not have plain water for sale at like 80%of the vendors it was just beer and cocktails (yuck and also NOT HELPFUL IN 90 DEGREE HEAT), got upgraded for free Cuz they had empty seats closer (oh my fucking gosh I almost died of excitement l) IT WAS AMAZING HE WAS GREAT. I then proceeded to drive back and go to work on literally an hour or 2 of sleep and since the pandemic no where's open late anymore so I didn't eat for a day and a half opps.

I went to his Detroit show yesterday and it was lit. He literally said we were fucking unbelieveable a minimum of 4 times and thanked us and called Ohio then michigan(both of which I was at) the best shows his entire tour. I just wanted to hug him like a bazillion times.

#one directioner forever sorry to ramble about my lifelong love for 5 boys from the UK. I just love things veryyyyyyy intensely. Maybe not the normal amount but hey

The staff wouldnt let us get streamers from off the ground :( I know that's probably an odd thing to want what can I say it's a memory. Although I didnt basically sleep for 3 days it was so amazing and completely worth it. I wish I could live it a million times over. Everyone was happy, and Louis was happy:) I am not social, but the atmosphere of concerts and to a different degree professional theater is just something else. We're all there for one thing, and it's so Beautiful. It's one of those times that for me personally my depression anxiety and borderline are far from my mind. I feel euphoric on top of the world and being happy is very nice. Being happy with others; seeing two friends dance or shout words to each other or smile it makes you happy too. Even when I don't know them. So I guess I am social in liking to be around people but just not good at speaking to them.

I also lost my car in a field because they have no signage and in a sea of cars where the fuck did I park. Who knows I wandered for 20 minutes until I finally stumbled upon it. I can't even imagine those people who drink then look for cars like my human you bad decisioned.

My most unfavorite part of concerts is just getting out of the traffic jam afterword. I've learned to get to your car and sit there until there is no line of cars waiting and you're golden. (That usually takes a while bit is worth the headache and wasted gas. )

THAT IS SUPER EXCITING!! I wish you were going next month, lol. I hope you have the most fun!!!! Ahhhh boo tests BUT YAY CONCLUSION!!! That means in a few weeks I can annoy you with all the newsies thoughts xD

I WILL SEND MY FIC IDEA IN A DIFFERENT ASK BECAUSE IM SORRY THIS IS LONG. I kind of apologize for that but you did say tell you all the shenanigans xD

oh my god that sounds incredible and also so chaotic 😭 six year old me had the BIGGEST crush on all of one direction smdmdj i'm so happy you had a great time anon :))

i am going to west endsies next month, but only closing night because i'm away in the usa for about the first half of it anyway ... but i can always buy more tickets ...... 👀

[pbandjesse]

I am pretty exhausted. I am very glad to be home. Today felt a lot more normal after how chaotic yesterday was. I slept pretty well. And I felt alright when I woke up. Using the salonpas on my neck last night really helped. It still hurts but it's a lot better. Im trying it again tonight we'll see if it helps more.

I woke up and felt good. I thought I would like my romper but I ended up feeling weird all day. I don't know why! I love this outfit normally!! But I felt both to frumpy and to sexy?? Like I was just really uncomfortable.

I felt a little weird all morning and I felt like I could have been nicer to James. Like I didn't do anything but I felt like I could have been nicer. And then I didn't like my podcast. I was just feeling off.

And then when I got outside I found what I think is a bullet?? Next to the car?? Super weird. I thought it was just a piece of metal but I'm not sure. I showed it to Heather and she agrees it seems to be a bullet. Wild wild wild.

Camp was good though. A bit cold this morning. And I put a sweatshirt and walked around for a bit. They patched the dining hall and it was much more picked up. The nurse's office got a tarp over it. Day camp was back. Things were good.

I had a nice talk to Heather and sat in the office for a while. Eventually Cecilia and Annabelle came into the office and we discussed packing up supplies and getting ready for the end of camp. I offered to store all their stuff so we don't have to have it in Yukon. And everyone agreed so I would make sure 4 cabinets were clear and put labels on them.

And that lead me to want to start organizing and packing my own stuff. So then the art building looked like it was exploding it was such a mess pulling things out to pack and organize.

Which was very fun for me! I also made time to work on my painting. I got a lot done. In adding in texture and detail. I would sit outside and look at the building and I felt like I was getting good stuff done.

And the Hannah my cit came and she had a full leg brace on!! Cause apparently after she left yesterday she fell and jacked herself up. It's the same leg she had knee surgery on last year. So I was very worried for her. And she was apologetic for leaving early tomorrow because of her fall, that I didn't even know happened, so she brought me a cake pop!! I love cake pops so it was such a nice gesture even if it wasn't necessary.

She would work on organizing some boxes of materials to consolidate and get rid of trash. Because it's so hard for me to throw things away. She was super helpful and made it a lot easier on me. I would get a ton done inside while she worked outside.

And the groups would be good. Only one in the morning. Top bar made great art as always. And I worked on my knitting and my painting and enjoyed them making pretty things.

And then I had a two hour break. Which was nice because I got so much more done on the building. It's going to take all week but progress is progress.

Blanche was there borrowing bracelet string and she brought me a rubber snake to paint that belongs to one of her campers. I was happy to help and the camper was so happy when she got it back. She kept saying she loved me. It was very sweet. I hope the paint sticks.

Lunch was fine. The tater tots were nice. The sandwich was boring. I had brought pasta salad from whole foods so I wasn't hungry. I mostly just enjoyed sitting with the other specialty staff. I'm glad Ty has made friends in the YLPs, but I do miss him eating with us. I still had fun with Celia and Annabelle and Antonio. We had our specialty sauce and I showed them all the trinkets in my backpack. And it was nice.

The afternoon went well. My day campers did great stockade was nice. I organized beads. Poppy, a top bar girl, who didn't want to do BB guns, would come hang out with me and helped organize beads and I let her DJ and chose all the songs. Mostly Disney songs and the Barbie sound track.

The boys were good. But I was not happy with Jorge because he had a pretty bad cough and if I get sick I'm going to be furious with him. They all made good art but I felt really bad when two boys bracelets exploded when we tried to tie them. I felt so bad! Especially when the one told me it was his last week at puhtok ever!! He got a job at Rita's. I'm happy for him but still sad!! The children are growing up.

After my last day campers left I went down to the office to talk to Heather and Alexi about my fall schedule and plan. I'm going to do Tuesday to Friday 8 to 4, with Monday being a work from home office hours situation. Answering emails and such. I am very pleased with that. And I explained how the lesson plans are going to go and how I'm going to streamline everything. Heather is excited and is happy with the progress I've made. I told her what my plans were for writing out the lesson plans over the next week or so. And we are going to set up a new email address for feild trips and start reaching out to schools in the next week. Amazing. I'm excited.

I also chatted with Chris about a flag idea he had for next summer. Which I would take charge of and I think will be fun. Basically he wants me to sew little flags for the counselors to put their badges on. So I'm going to do some research for that too. Supplies and such. I have some ideas and I'm excited to put that together for him.

I had the horse girls last. And they did a good job. And because they were so self sufficient I was able to work on my painting. Which they kept telling me was so pretty and good. Which felt very nice.

After the horse girls left Hannah asked to try inverting on my silks. And she was very scared but she did it and I was very proud of her for not being scared. I would also hang from it s lot today. Working on stretching more. I am still get cramps in my calves which is frustrating but at least my neck is doing a little better.

I was glad to be done for the day. After Hannah left I locked up the building and went home.

People were driving very silly but I got back to my neighborhood in one piece. I went to Walgreens and got more of the salonpas patches and got my prescription. I was a little annoyed when I realized she never asked for my insurance. She was just goj g to charge me $39 when it was actually free with my insurance!! The card just hadn't been on file. But I figured it out before I paid anything and got my medication for free and was much happier.

They were fixing the gate on the front door so I got stuck for a moment. The guy was very apologetic but I was like. No it's okay!! You are doing your job!!

And then I was able to get home. I parallel parked. Very proud. James was making tomato soup from scratch. It smelled excellent.

I took a shower and washed my hair while James finished dinner. And we ate together on the couch. The food was very good. And it gave me the energy to work on my planning for an hour. I got some more layout down and some writing for the first program. I will keep working on it for sure but it's going well.

Since then me and James have just been resting together. Watching videos. Sweetp was being very bad but I still want to cuddle him even if he keeps attacking me.

We are watching videos now. Sending silly pictures back and forth. But now I am ready to go brush my teeth and go to sleep. I have really been happier coming home. I love staying at camp but I'm coming to terms with being okay with not feeling forced. I can stay sometimes, I can come home when I want. Everything is fine.

I hope you all sleep well tonight. Take care of yourself. Until next time.

[khodorkovskaya]

13.03.23

yesterday was a very thought provoking day so i want to tell you guys about it! lots of stuff about growing up/coming of age, relationships, etc, all that good stuff!

so i went ice skating with my oxford/france bestie and my student as we do every sunday and it was so much fun! im getting more and more confident on the ice! and it was great, i love spending time with friends when we're doing something like an activity , like something with a purpose you know.

then we went to get hot chocolate as we always do and since my student's wife wasn't there, he spilled some tea! we started talking about relationships bc my london bestie was in town this weekend and her bf finally got his visa so he came to our town for the first time ever! it was his first time outside of the uk and his home country so we were all very excited! but anyway, we started talking about relationships bc to be completely honest with you, im not a fan of my bestie's bf, but i'll get to that in a sec. and my student said that he's only been in love 3 times in his life. when we asked him what about his wife, he said it's not really love as in romantic or sexual love, they're just really good companions. and... they've never had sex! which honestly kinda changes my perspective on their whole thing, but also not really. he said they've only ever done kink stuff together bc they're into latex and things like that. and since she's so much younger than him, he's never wanted to have sex with her. as he desciribed it, he's not a zizi kind of guy i.e. he's uninterested in sex in general. and yeah, ive always thought he was somewhere on the asexual spectrum and this confirmed it. anyway, that was a fun fact.

now back to my london bestie and her boyfriend, im not a fan of the guy frankly. he comes off as really uninteresting and they have this whole mother-son dynamic going on, i really don't get it. he's boring and unattractive and also probably asexual or maybe gay bc he's uninterested in sex with my bestie. so i was looking forward to seeing her and i was happy that her bf could finally come to our country, but i would've preferred it if i could talk to my bestie one-on-one without his company yknow? and then my bestie also messaged me saying that she invited another friend of ours to come hang out with us and again... i feel like such a bitch but the friend she invited is just... so uninteresting. the girl has no values and sure, she'll laugh at your jokes and talk about anything, but i can't stand her superficiality. every time i hang out with her i feel like im wasting my time.

so on my way to the bar i was already imagining all the dumb conversations we're gonna be having and how bored i was gonna be, already trying to make up excuses about how i could get myself out of this and go home and work instead of gargling air with two of the most uninteresting people i know. and i felt so shitty because i was supposed to be looking forward to seeing my bestie and i was supposed to be happy about her boyfriend's visa and i was supposed to be happy about seeing that other friend bc i haven't seen her in ages. but i was just dreading it so much oh my god. i don't know what it is. am i a bitch? am i pretencious and arrogant and do i think too highly of myself? i felt awful. and even my ed thoughts were coming up on my way there. i was like "ooo im skipping lunch today im gonna be so skinny yay". like wtf. i wanted to be happy about seeing my bestie but instead i felt guilty and just wanted to go home and work...

anyway, as anticipated, i was bored out of my mind... her boyfriend's attitude was pissing me off. i asked them what they've done these past two days, like what they've visited and what their plans were. and they said that they went to the old town, walked around the lake, ate at mcdonalds and drank wine. which is fine i guess but like... there's so much to do around here and so many things to see! you can have mcdonalds and wine in london and tbh the old town is not really worth visiting if you don't know anything about it, like it's just a couple of pretty houses, it's gonna be boring if you just walk around aimlessly. like idk if i had two days to show our city to someone who's never been, i would've done so much more idk. and then the bf was like "yeahhh this place is boring it's not for me" and when i asked him why, he said that it's because there are a lot of pubs in london and not a lot around here. like duh of course if your only priority is drinking ofc you're gonna be bored anywhere you go. idk that really annoyed me. plus they didn't even go out at night so he didn't even have a point of comparison. like sure, we don't really have pubs like as in english pubs, but we have a lot of cool bars and clubs and other fun night time activities. like i invited them to the disco on ice on saturday, which is sooo much more fun than drinking wine at home come on! but they said no! and our town is the boring one, all right!

then my bestie invited me over for dinner with her parents and her ukrainian friend. and as the night went on the more and more i kept realising that i don't have much in common with her anymore. and it was so heartbreaking bc we grew up together. we had so many integral life moments together but now it seems that they weren't so integral after all. and it sucks because no one else is gonna know what i was like growing up and it feels like such an important part of me. she's the only one who's seen this part of me and yet it has no importance anymore because we barely have anything in common now.

idk it sucks and there's not much to say. we have different lives, different views, different priorities... and i really felt like the odd one out because at the dinner table everyone was kinda on the same page (except for the parents bc they're getting divorced lol but that's another story). at one point bestie's mum asked me where i was at with my studies. she asked me if i still give language lessons and do catsitting and i was like not really. i have one student who's become a friend now and for the cats thing, if my neighbour asks me ofc im gonna help out. but im not actively looking for these kind of jobs like i did in highschool because duhh im an adult now and im working. and then the mum was like "yeah, you should stop doing that. let's find you a real job" and it really like... upset me. because what about our business? no one seemed to care or ask me any questions about it. "where's you shop again?", "you sell clothes???" like guyssss this has been my family's life for years now! and im pretty vocal about what we've been doing and the project we're working on. and yet no one cares. i don't know, it made me really upset. as if everything we've been working on is not serious. as if getting a "real job" is the only thing that matters.

i don't know, i feel like there's a lot to say but there isn't much to say... it's just that me and my bestie have grown apart. and it hurts. it hurts that i can't relate to her anymore. and i don't understand her lifestyle or her opinions or her way of viewing the world. no, i do understand. but it's so unlike me. we don't value the same things. and it sucks.

and then the ukrainian girl was talking about how she went to dubai and how it's the place to be and how she's looking for a husband. and again, i just cannot relate. and felt so left out. like i don't know, ive gone through so much these past couple of months and it's incredible. but i can't share it with anyone because no one cares. everyone has different priorities... my bestie has an office job she's comfortable at, her boyfriend complains about life and wants to move to canada to find himself, bestie's mum is leaving her husband to go live with her lover and worries about how because of the war in ukraine her job's been intense, the ukrainian girl is trying to find a husband in dubai meanwhile her hometown has been destroyed. and i... well.... i can't even explain it.

i suddenly felt really scared of being alone for the rest of my life. i remembered coming home to B and feeling like i had my person. it felt nice imagining that i was not alone because i had him. but ive always felt lonely with him. but coming home and cuddling with him was nice. im scared that i'll never find my person, someone who can see and understand me, all of me. for now the only people i can relate to are "weirdos" like my student and my oxford/france bestie. they're so much fun! but is this how it's supposed to be? how do i fit in with normal people? how do i become normal?

anyway, i walked home and cried and felt very alone.

and then i had a dream about B and how i came home and he wasn't there so i called him and said "i can't do this anymore, it's either me or [his business name]". i woke up feeling satisfied that i had finally said it. but it's too late now, our relationship can't be repaired. and i can't set any ultimatums anymore and make him choose, because i chose to leave. and he chose himself. and im gonna be alone.