#had a group meeting with my academic advisor this week

[daegudrama]

Title: The One That Got Away

Pairing: Yeonbin/Soogyu

Summary: In which Yeonjun reminisces about his first love only for him to come work at the same company as him while engaged to another man.

Word Count: 16,010 Words

ao3

Yeonjun

Sometimes I'll go weeks without checking his page, or even thinking about him, but lately that hasn't been the case. He's been creeping into my mind making me relive every beautiful moment we were together.

The tastefully  decorated paper in front of me isn't making things any easier. Maybe I should let myself indulge in the memories of what we once were, if even for just a minute. I pull my phone out and quickly type in my passcode. I log into my old Instagram account from the summer after high school. Back to the time I first met Choi Soobin.

We met when we were the first people to arrive at dance class. I scroll down to that day seeing a mirror selfie with just a little of Soobin in the back. He snuck in while I was taking a photo and I got embarrassed.

"Oh, did I ruin your picture?" Soobin asked covering his face worried that he made a bad first impression.

I wouldn't know he was worried about that until much later. Soobin was immensely anxious about not fitting in with our class. He's never thought he was good enough and it breaks my heart a little more each time I see him doubting himself.

"No, it's okay don't worry about it." I said as I put my phone in my bag and began stretching. 

Soobin joined me on the floor and we introduced ourselves while we warmed up. Talking to him was always easy. He has a way of putting people at ease and a level of understanding that is not common. 

We both come from well off families and wanted to work in the entertainment industry. I wanted to debut in a group and he wanted to be a producer or vocalist. We were young kids that had no idea what we really wanted or what would be best for us. That summer we were chasing a wild dream.

After what I thought was the hardest dance class, but was far from it, I asked Soobin if he wanted to get boba. Neither of us had had time to really talk to anyone else and after awhile we stopped trying to. We made a few acquaintances but, most of them were just interested in dancing not making connections.

"I know this great place near my apartment. It's about three blocks away." Soobin said picking up his bag and wiping a drip of sweat from his neck. 

From the moment I first saw him I thought he was attractive, but I knew the chances of him liking boys were low. I tried to not get my hopes up. Obviously, that didn't work out well but we had some great moments.

We arrived at the boba shop and realized we lived in the same building. Next door neighbors to be specific. Soobin and I talked for hours about how we ended up in this dance program. This is when I first heard about his internship.

Soobin found this dance program through a flier his academic advisor gave him. She thought it would be a great way for him to dip his toe into the industry. A way for him to hone skills. This class is selective and only twenty of the hundreds that apply get accepted. He never thought he would actually pass the audition. 

As we drank our boba I took pictures of my surroundings saving them to my Snapchat memories. These days I'm glad I saved everything. Any time I miss him I can look through my old Instagram or Snapchat and suddenly it's like I'm 18 again. 

I scroll to the next photo and see Soobin's shining smile staring back at me. The dimples in his cheeks and the smooth plains of his face make my heart ache. My hair was blue back then and we look so happy. 

That summer I posted something every day even if it wasn't a good day. Posting a photo of us together after one day of knowing each other seemed weird to everyone else. There was just a connection that no one else could understand. 

Another hard dance practice had Soobin and I going home to shower before meeting up outside our building. We decided to go on a cool down walk to a nearby riverside.

"Yeonjun!" Soobin said when he spotted me. 

His hair was wet clinging to his forehead and even through his fatigue he wouldn't stop smiling. He was wearing a red tank top and black shorts. I don't think I'd remember that if not for the photo.

"Soobin, are you ready?" He swung his water bottle back and forth while nodding his head. 

"You said something about a performing arts school yesterday. How difficult was it to be accepted? I applied there but didn't get accepted after my first audition." Soobin asked moments after we started walking. 

I remember the sad look on his face like it was yesterday. He really wanted to attend the same school as me, but that wasn't his future. Soobin was jealous that I was chosen but I wouldn't find that out until much later. 

"It was really difficult and I had to go through several rounds of auditions just to make the cut. You must've had a bad day. I've seen you dance and you are better than most of the people in my class." 

I didn't know then why I was trying to hype up this beautiful dark haired man. Maybe my subconscious already knew something I didn't. I didn't lie to him about that. Genuinely, to this day, I think he was better than many of my classmates. 

"Honestly, I had the worst day ever when I auditioned. I couldn't find my shoes so I was late and missed my bus. So, I ended up running to the venue and was five minutes late and already sweating. I tripped during a group number because someone else's spacing was off and when I got home my mom called me to say my childhood dog had died. I ate five ice creams to help my sorrow."

Later that summer we would laugh about his failed audition but the wound was still too fresh right then. It didn't help that I was accepted into the school he dreamed of going to.

"If your internship doesn't work out, which I'm sure it will, you can always apply again." 

I wish he would have reapplied, but that wouldn't have been following his dream. For some reason he loved the idea of living in America and trying to make it there. It was always his plan B, but then it became plan A. Of course, that didn't work out for him but he's still happy. 

"I guess so." He said in a defeated tone.

"What's your favorite ice cream?" I asked to deflect the conversation away.

Beside the river we sat a few feet apart still getting used to the feeling of being around each other. I remember feeling as if I could tell him everything even though it'd been such a short time. Later I would realize it's because he's my soulmate. Even now he is my one that got away.

"Do you want to take a picture?" He asked after we'd been sitting there for quite sometime. 

The sun was setting nicely over the river an it was the perfect amount of light for a selfie. I nodded my head feeling the shine in my eyes as I looked at him. He set his phone on a timer on the bench in front of us and huddled close to me. He smiled wide and made a peace sign. I looked at him and felt happy. Before him I never knew another person could make me feel this way. 

"We look cute." I said as we looked at the pictures together.

His hip was touching mine and my chest was filling with butterflies at an alarming rate. I wanted to reach out and touch him but I didn't think it was appropriate. After a moment I slide away giving myself room to breathe. 

"Have you ever taken cute pictures like this with any other boys?" Soobin asked in an almost teasing tone.

"This is a Choi Soobin special." I replied impressed by my own quick wit. 

"Do you have any dating history?" He asked after choosing the perfect photo for instagram.

If I hadn't already told him about my family yesterday that might have taken me off guard. Some part of me wanted to lie to make myself seem cooler and more attractive. My gut told me that was a bad idea. 

"I've dated a few people and by a few I mean two." I said watching the light ripple of the river in front of me instead of looking into his eyes. 

"Were they girls?" He asked catching me completely off guard. 

Of course, I entertained the thought he might like men, but I didn't think we'd talk about it that soon. I debated whether I should come out and knew that any straight person wouldn't have asked such a question. Soobin looks into my eyes and my stomach turns. 

"No." I answered simply outing myself. "What about you?"

He kept his gaze on me and answered confidently. His hands folded in his lap with his ankles neatly crossed. The confidence he held in that moment still surprises me. 

"I've dated one guy last year and a girl during year nine." He paused to look at the river. "I had a fling this spring but I decided I needed to focus on performing. He couldn't understand."

After that conversation we walked home and before the doors closed Soobin followed my Instagram. I leaned against the closed door and slid down with a huge smile on my face. Choi Soobin was quite the man. 

He slid in my DMs later that night and asked if I wanted to walk to class with him in the morning. Of course, I said yes and that was that. For the rest of the summer we walked together to class every day.

At the end of our first week I posted a picture of the moon beside a blurry picture of Soobin smiling. That week was so hard on my body and mind but it was the first time in so long that I was genuinely happy.

Soobin knocked on my door around 10 PM on the first Friday of that summer. He knew I was awake because he could hear my music playing. Seeing as I hadn't really talked to anyone else I knew it was him. What I didn't expect is why he was there. 

"Good evening, Yeonjun. Would you care to join me on the roof for a drink?" He asked when I open the door. 

He was wearing an oversized hoodie and shorts. The blue fabric contrasted against his skin nicely. There was no way I could say no to this angel face. 

"Give me one minute." 

I ducked behind the door and ran to my bathroom to quickly sort out my hair. I changed into a more comfortable hoodie and laced my shoes before stepping outside.

"Let's go." I said enthusiastically excited to see the view from the roof. 

Soobin had lived there longer and knew the best spot for a late night drink. He had set up two chairs and someone had left a beanbag up here. Behind a concrete block he found a small table where we set our soju down. 

"To a summer of success." I said after he'd poured me my first shot. 

He mimicked me turning away slightly as he drank before settling back. Soobin brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes and began rambling about a kid in our class. 

As I listened to him speak I looked out onto the skyline appreciating the true beauty it holds. The later it got the deeper our conversation drifted. By three we knew each other's coming out stories and pieces of childhood trauma. Somewhere around one we had a photo shoot which is where the photos for that days post came from.

"And sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough to even be here." Soobin said when we were throughly drunk and out of alcohol.

I remember the heartbreaking look in his eyes as he gazed over the skyline. My mind raced to find the right thing to say to him in that moment. The intoxicated blood running through my veins wasn't helping.

"You wouldn't be here if you weren't good." I said tapping his shoulder lightly so he'd look at me. "I know talent and you have it. If your vocals are half as good as your dancing then you will be a star for sure."

"Jjuni, would you like to hear a song?" He asked suddenly smiling with a devious look in eyes. 

That was the first time he called me Jjuni but it was far from the last time. The look in his eyes made me think he knew he was about to make me fall in love with him. 

He sung a slow ballad as he stared off into the night sky. Soobin has golden vocal chords and a passion that can be seen from miles away. From the first note I knew I was a goner. I knew from that moment that falling for him was inevitable.

"Did you write that? I haven't heard it before." I said and he looked down shyly like he hadn't just poured his heart out.

"It's about Beomgyu." He whispered like he didn't want to admit he wrote a song about his spring fling. 

Soobin loved deeply and even though he was only with Beomgyu for a short amount of time it affected him. He wants everyone to feel joy and love life as much as he does. The song was bittersweet remembering sweet words mixed with the awkward ending.

"Hey, if it's meant to be you'll find your way back." I said when I saw the sad look in his eyes. 

Every cell in my body is screaming now knowing how that turned out.

"I guess you're right." He said and leaned his head against my shoulder, after pulling our chairs together.

I wrapped my arm around him nearly breathless from the close contact. After a few more minutes I decided it was probably time for bed. 

"Binnie, lets go to bed." I said sleepily pulling him off the chair.

"Together?" He muttered and I wondered if he was drunker than I was. 

As much as I would have loved to do that, I knew that wasn't responsible. I didn't want to completely shut out the thought so I deflected. 

"Maybe tomorrow." I replied as I successfully pulled him up and gathered our trash. 

"Okay." Soobin said and I led him back to his door where he got inside safely.

The next day he texted me telling what a good time it was. I can still remember how that text made my heart sing. Young love is so pure and reckless. 

Each post captures another day from the best summer of my life. The first month is filled with soft orange and yellow tones. I shot them like I already knew the nostalgia they would one day bring me. Soobin's smile is the main focus and it's bittersweet.

Everyone in our class, including the instructors, thought Soobin and I were dating by the end of the first month. The truth was we hadn't done anything more than cuddle a few times, at that point. We spent so much time together that everyone made assumptions.

June 30th was the day Soobin received his acceptance email for the internship in America. That day I posted a photo of him with mountains of food in front of him. 

Soobin barged in my apartment that day with the happiest look I've ever seen on his face. He rushed towards me shoving his phone in my face.

"I got accepted! I have an internship in America!!" He let me read the email as he spoke and I jumped up. 

"Binnie, I'm so proud of you!" I said as I wrapped my arms around him holding him close.

At that moment a small part of my mind wondered where that would leave us at the end of the summer. We hadn't confessed yet but I was trying to plan it perfectly. In the short time we'd know each other we'd become inseparable. Soobin became my best friend so quickly the idea of being apart come August was devastating. 

"Let's go get dinner! My treat." I said after he pulled away smiling down at his phone.

He picked a traditional restaurant and I didn't care how much it cost. I was so proud of him for achieving his dream. He taught me a lot about chasing dreams that summer. Sometimes I wish I'd followed my original plan. 

When all the food had arrived I asked him to smile for my daily post. Throughout dinner I was planning the sappy caption that is burning my eyes right now. We laughed and talked about what he was most excited for. 

"I've been meaning to say this for awhile now..." Soobin trailed off as we walked alongside the dark river only illuminated by the dim street lamps.

"What is it?" I asked taking his hand in mine. 

Holding hands had become a regular thing for us at that point. It's no wonder everyone thought we were already dating. At some point all the boundaries dissipated. We were so comfortable with each other it was like we've known each other for years not one month.

"I like you. As more than a friend and I feel like I'd regret it if I never said anything. I don't want to go to America with any regrets."

I still remember the anxious look on his face as he waited for me to reply. There was so much vulnerability in the moment and I'm so glad that I could relieve the tension.

Of course, I thought there was more between us then just friends but I didn't want to assume. Part of me thought someone like him could never like me. My eyes widened when he said those words and my heart started beating a million miles a minute. Every second was precious and every moment I knew Soobin was growing more anxious. So without thought I blurted out what my heart was feeling.

"I've been trying to find the right time to tell you for the last two weeks. I wanted to find a perfect moment and make it memorable and remarkable. Everything with you is so beautiful and interesting. Of course, I like you too a lot. Probably more than I should."

He wrapped his arms around me tightly and his smile could have lit up an entire city. After he pulled away he asked the question I didn't think I'd hear that summer.

"Yeonjun, will you be my boyfriend?"

"Of course." I replied as I pulled him back into my arms.

The next morning he brought me a muffin and a coffee. He said it's what a good boyfriend does and I can still remember the happiness I felt. Soobin brought me the feeling of lying out on the river bed after a particularly long and cold winter. The warmth that I'm doubtful I'll ever feel again. We were so young and carefree.

I skip a few photos until a picture of us in front of the dance studio catches my eye. It was about a week after he asked me to be his boyfriend. We were wearing matching tank tops that the dance company provided and joggers. I'm kissing his cheek while he tried to hide his face.

Before class we asked a classmate to take a photo of us. Surprisingly, no one in the company seemed to care that we are gay. I wrapped my arm around his waist and stretched up to kiss his cheek. I think he was taken aback because we didn't have our first kiss until later that day.

To this day I'm not sure why we took so long. Maybe we didn't want to rush anything and risk ruining the greatness we had. Then again everything after the first kiss was like riding down a steep hill. It was fun, exhilarating even, until we realized there was no safe stopping point.

Dance practice was easier than usual that day and we decided to get boba afterwards. The cashier had started recognizing us because we came so often. She knew our drinks by heart and quickly had them ready.

We sat by the window and discussed what we wanted to do with the rest of the day. Soobin's dimples showed as he smiled looking out the window. After a moment he took a big sip of his drink.

"I didn't sleep well last night." He said after he swallowed and I rubbed his shoulder concerned. "Let me nap for an hour then we can go to the carnival one of the boys were talking about."

"Okay that sounds like a good idea." I replied wanting him to feel his best.

In the moment I wanted to ask why he didn't sleep well but something told me he wouldn't have given me a proper response. We had so much going on it would've been hard to pinpoint it.

While we drank our boba he gushed about how well another classmate was doing. I remember how jealous I was at the time but that's stupid kid stuff now. I had no reason to be jealous of him, but I was young and insecure. 

We walked home together and went our separate ways for an hour. I spent my time watching a drama because everything else was too loud. I didn't want to disturb Soobin. He deserved to rest.

He knocked on my door when he was ready to go. His haired was styled and he was wearing a cute outfit. Nothing over the top, but different from the comfy clothes he usually wore. I had decided to step my style up too. This felt like a first date even though we hadn't said that.

There is a photo of us at the carnival somewhere on the internet but right I'll focus on Instagram. 

"Kai said there are lots of games and rides!" Soobin said enthusiastically taking my hand. "He and Taehyun are already there."

I squeezed his hand and felt my stomach flutter at the sight of his pure happiness. Soobin has always been shy but for some reason he's so good at making people like him. It's gotten him far in life so far.

"I'll win you a win plushie." I promised as we sped towards the carnival.

He rolled his eyes but was over the moon when I finally managed to win him a bunny. We played games and rode rides for hours. Somewhere along that time we met up with Huening Kai and Kang Taehyun. Eventually Soobin wanted to slip away from them.

"There's something I've wanted to for awhile now." Soobin said as he wrapped his arms around my neck. I could feel the plushie he was holding against my back.

"What's that?" I swallowed my nervous anticipation trying to make myself seem like the calm, cool and collected person he knew me as. 

He didn't reply, instead leaning forward to press his lips against mine. I know it sounds stupid, but I really felt the warm fuzzy firework feeling they talk about in movies. I laid my hands on his tiny waist and pulled him closer. I didn't want the kiss to end. I'd never had one quite so breathtaking. Nothing has lived up to what Soobin could do for me.

We stood in the middle of the carnival and kissed like no one could see us. Maybe we came to improve our dancing that summer, but by the end it wasn't about just that. I often wonder how different my life might be if I'd never had a taste of his love.

Later we ended up squished into my twin bed desperately trying to exhaust our overwhelming hormones. Somehow, we thought making out with nothing but the flimsy fabric of our clothes separating our bodies would help. 

I stopped us for from going any further that night. It wasn't that I didn't want to; I just didn't think it was a good idea. Soobin didn't object because he's a good a human. Instead he cuddled into my side and asked if I wanted to watch cat videos.

Each day we spent together brought us closer. It got to the point where we were sleeping at each other's apartments daily. I learned his little habits but over the years I've forgotten most of them. It's funny how time erases our memories without us ever realizing. The memories I hold tightly too are the ones I surely won't forget, but they aren't always the most important.

"Yeonjun?" He asked one midsummer night after we had finished our takeout.

"Yes?" I responded from the kitchen where I was cleaning up the containers and sorting the trash.

"Why do you like me?"

I remember stopping dead in my tracks and rushing to his side. He didn't say things like that often so it worried me. For a few days I had been waiting for the moment to tell him how my feelings had changed. I knew if I didn't say anything I would regret it. We only had so much time together before we'd be across the world from each other. Before he'd leave me.

"Soobin, I like everything about you from the way you always ask for five more minutes of sleep to the way you never back down from difficult situations. You are a beacon of light in my life." I paused taking his hand in mine. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I know that's crazy to say because we've know each other such a short time but it's true."

"I love you too." He replied with a soft smile that reached his eyes. 

That night we started the dangerous downhill journey. Recklessly in love and we didn't care who knew about it. We did everything we ever wanted in the moment. I'm not sure either of us thought there was an end in sight.

When I wasn't practicing choreography or writing songs I was by Soobin's side. Sometimes we practiced together or just watched movies. Cuddled, kissed and everything in between while I tried to brush away the thought that soon he'd be in America.

The next photo that catches my eye is our complementary tattoos. I lift the sleeve of my shirt to look at the line art bunny that is a permanent reminder of that summer.  

It was after a particularly hard double rehearsal and we felt like doing something fun. Soobin had gotten yelled at for accepting the internship and for not being good enough for it. Obviously, I didn't agree with that and I told Soobin that as soon as we left class. 

"Love, he's just jealous he's stuck here teaching a bunch of teenagers while you are going to be living the dream." I said wrapping my arm around his waist and trying to pull him closer.

"He's right. I'm don't deserve it. I need to prove myself. I'm not good enough." 

It took me an hour to convince him he had nothing to prove. He was best in the class after me and I wouldn't lie to him. Somewhere in that hour we showered and he was plotting to get tattoos.

"Yeonjun, let's get tattoos." he said abruptly while lying on my chest. "I want something that reminds me of you every time I look at it."

I was a lot bolder then and there didn't seem to be any consequences. I thought this man would love me for the rest of our lives. How naive was I? 

"What are you thinking?" I asked already knowing he was going to say a fox. 

For some reason I'm referred to as a fox and he a bunny. I'm not sure why we started that or where it came from really. But now it's permanently on our bodies. 

He hasn't tried to get it covered from what I know and that makes me wonder what he said when Beomgyu asked. I find some satisfaction in the fact he is reminded of me every time he sees his tattoo. 

"I'll get a fox for you and you get a bunny for me."

I kissed him and told him how much I loved him. I agreed to get a bunny on my bicep and we called a taxi to the nearest tattoo shop open. We didn't care how much it cost or how long we had to wait. We just wanted this reminder on our arms. The artist drew exactly what we wanted. Simple line art drawings that haunt me.

Everything was good after that until it wasn't. The closer we got to the end of the summer the more we started arguing. We didn't know what to do because we'd been living in fantasy land for the last three months.

"So that's it?" I remember yelling on the rooftop with five days until he left for America. "You don't want to continue our relationship?"

"Yeonjun, stop twisting my words! That's not what I said." He stood in front of me with sad eyes. "I said we really need to think about what is best. We are going to be busy."

"I love you, Soobin." I said tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. 

"I love you too." He said taking my face in his hands. "I'm going to be sixteen hours behind. You are going to be busy training and going to school. I'm going to be working constantly and I don't know if there is enough time for us right now."

It has been years but I can remember the pain of my heart shattering. Every word he said made me want to hold him tighter so he couldn't get away. I rested my head against his shoulder. There was no use fighting with him. He was going to get his way even if he just stopped answering me all together. 

"So you want us to focus on ourselves?" I asked still clinging to him.

"Not forever just for a little while."

The photo I posted that day was of a chocolate bunny I smashed with a hammer. It was a healthy way to relieve the anger I was feeling. I was more upset than angry to be honest. I just wanted to spend my time with the person who understood me best and cared for me more than anyone ever had. 

It's funny he said just for a little while, because we never got back together. I haven't talked to him in person since he left to go to America. We've been at a few of the same events but I never tell him because I still can't handle myself. It has become amicable. He wishes me a happy birthday every year and we comment on each others posts sometimes. I support the company he works for and we've even called a few times. I never say what I really want too, but that's okay I've accepted it's better for me to keep my mouth shut. 

It's hard to do that when his wedding invitation to his 'spring fling' is sitting in front of me. Why on earth did he think it was a good idea to send an invitation to his ex? Does Beomgyu not care? Have I become so insignificant that he doesn't even remember? I wouldn't call us friends because it's still too awkward for that. He says he wants his friend back but we were only just friends for a month. If I was getting married I wouldn't send him one.

I was Soobin's first for a lot of things but apparently I can't hold to Choi Beomgyu. I've seen photos of them together and my heart still twinges with jealousy after all these years. They look so happy that I can't reveal how I feel no matter how much I want too.

That makes me think of a letter I wrote last year that I never sent. I wrote it right after I learned about their engagement and spent the next three days wondering why god hates me.

I walk over to the closet not knowing why I want to bring myself more pain. From under a box of college memorabilia I pull the letter I wrote. I carefully unfold it and read.

To my Binnie,

I don't know why I'm writing this because it's unlikely I'll ever send it. Writing it down is sort of therapeutic for me, I guess. I wrote a  few songs but it feels wrong to release them without your permission. So here I am.

Today is five years since we met and my heart has yet to forgot the sweet melody of your voice or the hypnotic swing of your hips. Occasionally, I indulge and look at the memories I can't bring myself to erase. I think I'd lose a piece of my soul if I misplaced those.

The summer I spent with you is still one, if not the, best of my life. There was such pure euphoria in spending moments drunk on the roof or cuddling in your bed when we should have been rehearsing. When I look at our photos and videos I feel that happiness again but it's masked with sadness. 

Most weeks I can go without overthinking every detail of our last month. Other times it's all I think about and I can't help but agonize over it. I can't help but wonder what we could be if we were still together. To this day, I still think you are my perfect match. There was an undeniable click from the moment we met. Being with you felt like breathing fresh air for the first time in months. I curse the universe everyday for letting me meet you at the wrong time. Maybe things would be different if we'd met now. 

I miss what we had more than anything. The late night talks and the early breakfasts before dance rehearsal. The security and friendship you gave me made me feel whole again.

I know it's too late now. I've looked at your Instagram, you've moved on and seem to be thriving. You're getting married? I want to call but I don't think it's fair anymore. I don't want to intrude where I'm not wanted. 

I almost text you sometimes when I see something that reminds me of you then I remember we aren't friends anymore, at least not good friends. My heart still plays tricks on me thinking you might be the one making my phone ring. It's never you though. You aren't coming back.

I might've hugged you a little tighter and kissed you a little longer if I'd know that was the last time I'd see you. I sobbed in the car outside the airport when I dropped you off. Letting you go chase your dream was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm not sure how I was strong enough to let the best thing in my life fly away. In another life I would've made you stay and we would've kept all our promises. 

Soobin, I still love you more than anything in this world. I would give up my whole career for another shot to be with you. Nothing can compare to the way you make me feel. When you left I became an empty shell of a person. Only recently have I gotten my shit together and only because I know you would want me to be happy. 

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I don't think that will ever change no matter how many years pass or how many men I meet. It's always been you and it will always be you. It sounds so cliche but you are truly the one that got away. A piece of my heart is still with you and probably always will be. Take care of it please. 

If you ever want to come back home you know where I hide the key.

Love always, 

Your Jjuni

My words feel stupid. Even if I'd sent this nothing would have happened. At most he would have sent another long paragraph about how he's sorry he broke my heart. Beomgyu is his true love and it would be selfish for me to interfere. I won't go to their wedding unless he personally messages me. I know he won't.

I should stop dwelling on the past and get some rest. Tomorrow I'm meeting a new talent my company wants to work with. I put the letter away and get ready for bed hoping sunrise will bring a better day. 

Once I get to the office I ask one of the interns where the new talent is waiting and she tells me he's in the artist lounge. I've never met this person because I've been away or busy doing other things while he was here. The other producers and managers seem to love him. I introduce myself as I enter the room.

"Hello I'm the lead choreographer and producer–"

"Choi Yeonjun." Says a voice I could pick out of a hundred people with my eyes closed. 

"Why are you here?" I snap and he looks taken aback by my rudeness. 

Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh. It's not his fault I can't get over him. Keeping myself at a distance is easier than letting him worm his way back into my heart. The last thing I need is a glimmer of hope. He's getting married soon.

"Because this is one of the best companies in the country and I miss my friend." 

He's leaning back into the couch with a comfortable look on his face. He already seems at home. His stupid eyes shine just as bright as the last time I saw him and somehow he's even more handsome in person. 

"We were hardly friends. How many times do I have to say that?"

He looks hurt at the words I'm saying. I know we were actually really good friends but acknowledging that makes it seem like I could do that again. I don't think my emotions could take being around the man who broke my heart into a million pieces and has taken half of them around the world with him. 

"Did your invitation find you well?"

Why would he say that? Why have they paired me with him? I know there is no way I can get out of this. I need to act professional and not feed in to anything he says.

"We have work to do. Follow me to the rehearsal space. Don't talk about personal matters. We are in a professional environment."

I turn on my heels and walk out of the artist lounge. I briefly look over my shoulder to make sure he's following. He looks upset. Obviously, he'd imagined a more heartwarming reunion. 

Soobin manages to keep it professional until the end of the day when he runs into me outside the building. I think about going back inside but I know that's a cop out. 

"Yeonjun, I thought we were past this." He says following me as I start walking away. "I'm doing what I always planned."

I don't want to do this. I don't want to have this conversation again. I want to live in my bubble where I don't have to see him every day. I don't want to think about him.

"It was supposed to be me." I let the words slip and immediately regret it when I see the solemn look on his face.

I don't want him to feel what I feel. I want Soobin to be happy and have everything he wants. It's just hard when at one time I thought he'd be doing it with me. We'd talked of things far in the future and he just let them go without seeming to be hurt.

"Jjuni, it's been six years...we've talked about this." He steps in front of me. "We were kids it was foolish to think I'd come home and everything would be the same."

"Don't call me that. Every time you talk about this it's like it doesn't mean anything to you. To you I was just some summer fling but to me you're the one that got away." I say refusing to meet his eyes.

Soobin's jaw drops like he wasn't expecting me say something like that. I've refrained from saying something like this for years purely out of respect for Beomgyu. With Soobin here standing in front of me I can't possibly hide my feelings anymore.

"Of course it meant something to me." Soobin says tapping where my tattoo is hidden by my sleeve. I don't shrug him off like I should. I can't find it in myself too. I look into his eyes. "You'll always be my first love." 

"You can't say that and expect me to be able to work with you every day!" I say looking behind his head in frustration. "You could've chosen any company..."

"I'm sorry...not every company has Choi Yeonjun. I want the best shot at debuting again and I want the best teacher."

Two years ago he debuted, after three years of training, with a group under a different company. They were decently successful as rookies, even winning a few awards, until rumors involving his members started circulating. The rumors were proven true. They were forced to disband and Soobin left the company.

"It's going to be years before they let you debut unless you join a group. Especially if you want to be out. They've let me be out publicly because I mostly stay behind the scenes but they typically aren't so kind to lead talent."

"I'm willing to deal with that. I really want to be your friend. I know this is hard and I'll go as slow as you need me too." Soobin puts a hand on the side of my face then quickly lets go. "I've changed a lot it's almost like meeting a new person."

"You still like late night ice cream and back rubs after a hard day. You're still empathic almost to a fault and you will do anything to make people happy. You're still shy and need to be reassured often. You still go live for your fans to avoid dance practice and hate extra exercise." I sigh looking at his expensive shoes. "Maybe a lot has changed but you're still the boy I fell in love with all those years ago."

I tap his bicep where I know his tattoo is hiding. He looks like he might wail in pain, but looks into my eyes instead. His eyes are watering and my chest aches. 

"I'll  see you tomorrow." He says and walks away from me without a true destination mind.

At home I pull out my college memories box again. A loose bottle cap from a Soju bottle catches my eye. It was a keep sake from the first time we drank together. But it isn't what I'm looking for. 

It takes a moment to find the flash drive buried under countless notes and items from the last few years. This flash drive has seven songs about Soobin that I haven't released because it didn't feel right. Part of me wonders if it would be strange to give it to him now.

I shove the flash drive and the letter I wrote last year into my work bag. My heart tells me it's a good idea but my brain knows I'll likely never give them to Soobin.

After a quick shower I eat some instant ramen while watching videos of Soobin's rehearsal. Today was an assessment for me to see where he's at. 

The higher ups trust my opinion and want my recommendation of where to place him. I will have to speak to him about his willingness to be in a group. We've been trying to form a new one. 

He's improved tremendously since we danced together, but today he was having a hard time. I'm sure it has to do with the way I treated him. Being cold and professional is the last thing I wanted to do. But it was what needed to happen.

Tomorrow Soobin will be thrown in with our other trainees. He's at least four years older than most of them. Soobin is youthful and friendly even when he's shy. I'm sure he'll fit in well even with the age difference. 

I find it hard to sleep with so many thoughts and possibilities assaulting my mind. I truly with my entire heart want the best for Soobin. I hate how the world treats us. He can't even legally get married here. I can't legally get married. If he wants a successful career he might have to hide a part of himself. 

My dream of debuting in a group fell off when Soobin left. I decided to focus on producing and choreography. A big part of that was not wanting to hide a part of myself. 

I've seen a few people over the years but nothing sticks. Management figured it out and made it clear it didn't matter to them. However, their more popular artists aren't allowed to discuss dating or many related topics. I understand in theory why they do that, but it doesn't excuse it. 

Coffee is my saving grace in the morning. I'm almost late after oversleeping and I wish I could just start over. I wish I could shut my mind off for two minutes.

An intern greets me in the hallway and my greeting sounds a lot angry then I intended. I'll be sure to apologize later. Maybe I'll bring her a snack. 

The trainees are waiting for me in the dance studio according to my co-worker. I walk into the studio looking at the familiar faces. Most of these trainees have been here for more than a year already. 

"Choi Soobin." I say loud enough to be heard across the room. I motion for him to join me. "Everyone else stretch out."

Soobin follows me to a practice room close by and sits on the sofa when I tell him too. After sitting in a desk chair across from him I analyze his expression. 

He looks worried and I guess I would be too, after being singled out. Soobin doesn't know I'm here to have a discussion about what he wants to do. I'm looking out for him. He's already trained and knows what will work for him. 

"Take a deep breath. You aren't in trouble." I see his shoulders release tension. "You've been through a lot in the last two years."

He takes in a sharp breath and his eyes fly up to study my face. I'm trying my best to keep my face neutral but my acting classes are failing me right now. 

"I'd rather not talk about that." Soobin says meekly.

"I didn't think you would, but I need to know how you feel about being placed. We have been trying to form a group for almost a year. If you are willing to be in another group you could debut much faster, but there will probably be sacrifices."

"Sacrifices..." He mutters squeezing his hands together. Surely a new nervous habit. "Do you think I can debut without having to hide myself?"

"Maybe if you use ambiguous language but even then you won't be able to show him off or talk about him romantically." I say truthfully.

There is a slight chance our company would let him be his true self with no boundaries. If they can see how absolutely talented and show stopping he is. I'd only our company could see him through my eyes. They'd give him whatever he wants. But I'm not in charge of publicity or contracts. They'll take my word with a grain of salt.

"Beomgyu understands the sacrifices we will have to make for me to be an idol. He's a trainee at another company, but a small one that is much more open minded."

I feel like someone's rolled a pizza cutter over my heart when Beomgyu's name leaves Soobin's lips. My mouth falls into a frown. 

"I don't decide these things but I thought it might be easier to talk to me first." I say gently. "The right group is what I think would be best for you. None of this is going to be easy."

"I know, but I want it." He sighs rubbing his face. "It is kind of strange talking to you about this. I never imagined I'd actually end up here."

Has he been thinking about this for a long time? I wonder how long he's been planning on auditioning here.

"I'm breaking normal protocol doing by doing this. We should get back to rehearsal." 

He says thank you before following me back to the dance studio. Soobin joins the other trainees and my phone buzzes. I see a text from a co-worker asking me to come to the recording studio. I let my co-choreography know what I'm doing and  leave the room. 

I notice Soobin's name on a locker near the dance studio. I try his mothers birthday (knowing that's what he used to use as a passcode) and it unlocks. Is it bad my first thought was to break in? For a moment I debate whether I should leave my note and songs. 

A part of me thinks I'll regret it if I don't let him hear everything I have to say. I want everything I've felt I've ether last six years to be known. Friends isn't an option until he knows the hell I've gone through missing him. 

I put the flash drive inside the envelope with the note and leave it on top of his shoes. Quickly I close his locker and lock it like I was never here. I likely won't have to see him for the rest of the day. 

Thankfully, I'm so immersed in new music for the next eight hours I hardly have time to think about what I've done. Until I have to go back to the dance studio. Should I check to see if he's taken it? No, focus on what you need to do. 

One of our solo artists is needed to record a promo. I spot Soobin in a practice room messing around with another trainee. I tell the solo artist where to go and that I'll be up there soon. 

I knock on the door of the practice room and the boys freeze. I open the door and Soobin's face turns white. He must have read the letter...my heart rate increases drastically. I feel like I might start sweating. My face must be bright red. 

"If you are going to mess around and not practice just go home. This isn't a playground." I manage to say before speed walking away.

"Is he alright?" I hear the other kid say to Soobin as I walk away. 

No. I'm not okay. The love of my life just read my embarrassing letter and will surely listen to my pathetic songs soon. Why did I do this? It's not like he's going to leave Beomgyu. I've seen pictures he looks like a doll and I'm sure he's just as nice. I'm so dumb.

I manage to make it home without running into Soobin again. Anxiety has begun holding every single muscle in my body hostage. Every other thought is wondering if he's listened to the songs and what he thought. They are labeled with the date. None of them are from the last four years so hopefully that makes it a little less creepy. 

While I was watching footage of the trainees my co-worked sent me my phone starts ringing. It's Soobin. I panic not picking up until the forth ring trying to think of what he's going to say.

"Can we meet up?" Soobin asks without saying hello first.

I think for a few moments before I respond. That's not what I expected. I weigh my options. We need closure. Well more like I need final closure and this will likely give me that. I agree to meet him in a bar near the trainee's dorm. This place is chill and secluded. People still recognize Soobin often. He hasn't been active publicly for awhile but not everyone has forgotten.

It's nearly midnight when I arrive at the bar. I walk inside and scan the crowded room looking for his sweet face. I find him hunched over his phone with one headphone in at a booth. He's found a corner away from everyone. 

Almost silently I sit down my anxiety at an all time high. He takes the headphone out of his ear and looks up at me. Soobin's eyes are red and puffy as if he'd been crying recently. My heart sinks and all I want is to comfort him. 

"I ordered you a beer you used to drink." He says and is cut off by the waitress appearing with two bottles of beer. 

We thank her and I take a sip not knowing what to say right now. He called me here he should be the one to talk. 

"I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you." He says after a moment. "The songs are beautiful and heartbreaking. Our summer..." 

He trails off like he doesn't know what to say about 'Our Summer.' One of the many songs I've written about him. There are more than the seven but those are the only finished ones.

"I almost sold that song to Kang Taehyun. You remember him? It didn't feel right without asking and I wasn't going to do that. Especially since you moved on remarkably fast."

"I've told you it just happened. I know it wasn't good timing." He's speaking softly almost like he doesn't want to be heard. "Taehyun would have sounded good singing that, but nothing compared to you." 

WHAT IS HE DOING? Why can he still effect me like this? I wish I could switch off all my emotions and say everything I want. The songs have said basically everything though I suppose. 

I take a long drink from my beer wanting him to keep speaking. I still don't know what I should say. Why did I come?

"Yeonjun, this is a lot to take in. Honestly, reading and listening to what you wrote is confusing me."

"Confusing you?"

My heart bursts with hope but my brain quickly shuts it down. He's about to get married to his dream man. Why would he even entertain the thought of leaving him?

"You're bringing up feeling for you that I never completely dealt with." Soobin says and I want to scream. "I've spent the last two hours crying, listening to your songs and reading your letter over and over. I tried calling Beomgyu to distract me but he's still at his company."

"I'm sorry I made you cry." I say briefly touching his arm across the table before realizing I shouldn't.

He catches my hand and I can see tears welling up. I stroke the back of his hand. I don't know how much more of this my heart can take. I feel like I've been transported back six years. Like it's the end of summer and we are grabbing one last drink before we have to go our separate ways.

"I'm wondering why you didn't fight harder." He flips his hand so he can hold mine and squeeze it. I hope he doesn't mind the thin layer of sweat. "The songs made it so clear you wanted to."

"I have more songs that aren't finished that would probably explain it better. You went back to your spring fling and stopped contacting me." I pull my hand away from him. It's too comfortable and making me feel better. He shouldn't have that power. "I thought it was what you really wanted. Then it got serious between you two and it definitely wasn't right for me to intervene."

"At the time I started seeing Beomgyu again losing you was still my biggest regret. The first year and a half was rough because I didn't realize why I wanted him so bad. At first it wasn't about Beomgyu it was just that he was there." He buries his head in his hands and sighs. "I accepted you weren't going to come after awhile and became actually happy with him."

I pound my beer before saying my next words. 

"So, what you're saying is things might be different if I'd just called a few more times?" I can feel my nose starting to burn as I hold in tears. 

"I don't know what would have happened but—"

He is cut off by the sound of his phone buzzing on the table. Soobin's eyes meet mine as we see the name 'Beomie 💛' lighting up his screen. I nod for him to take it crossing my arms across my chest. He puts in his headphones and answers the call.

"Hi, love." He says and I want to gag. "I'm actually talking with one of the producers right now. I'll be back at my dorm soon."

I laugh at his half lie. He is talking to a producer but one who is also his ex-boyfriend. Soobin listens for a moment humming occasionally to show he's listening. 

"Okay sleep well." A brief pause. "Me too."

"Why'd you lie to him?" I ask as soon as he's removed his headphones. He won't look me in the eye like he might be ashamed. 

"Are you not a producer?" His smart ass remark makes me want to kiss his stupid lips. 

"What did you tell him about..." I trail off reaching over the table to touch his bicep. He flinches away and I withdraw my hand. 

"He knows we have complementary tattoos. He doesn't like it at all." Soobin sighs reaching for my hand like I might relieve the stress he's feeling. I'm too weak to push him away. "He's asked me to get it covered but later he realized that was a really dramatic reaction."

"He sounds...lovely." I can't mask the sarcasm heavy in my tone.

"I promise he's a good person. I wouldn't be marrying him if he wasn't. In the early days things were different because I was confused."

He lets go of my hand and his cheeks are red. I want to touch them so bad. Just a little caress...my heart is pounding just thinking about it. Even if I just poked his dimple maybe I'd find some relief.

The waitress brings us another round and she looks like she wants to say something but she doesn't walking away. I take a drink of my beer then speak. 

"Why did you lie to him?" I press not letting go of it. 

Why would he need to lie if Beomgyu is such a nice guy? Why would Soobin come to my company when his fiancé seems to not like me? I suppose I wouldn't want my love working with their ex either.

"I don't want him driving across the city to come fight you." Soobin takes a big drink and makes a face like he isn't used to the taste. "He's very protective. A lot of the people close to me in the last two years have turned out to be wildly different than what I thought. Beomgyu just wants to protect me."

I could protect him. I'm sure I have far more connections than Beomgyu. The people I work with are some of the best. Sure, there are always some unpleasant characters but he could be so happy with me. I suppose that's why he choose this company. Even if he's not mine he still wants to be around me. Can I handle being just his friend? 

"Let's have a real drink." I say chugging my beer as I flag the waitress over. 

As the younger one here he won't refuse. The more we drink the easier it will be to talk about everything we need to get out. We need to find a comfortable spot so we can work together peacefully.

Soobin insists on paying the bill since he called me here. He follows me to a nearby convenience store with almost no fight. The cashier recognizes him and asks for a photo but he declines. He does sign a napkin. Technically, he's not suppose to do that, but I'm not going to snitch. I buy two bottles of soju and we end up on the roof of my building. 

I don't live too far from the trainee dorms. When he has to walk home he'll be fine. I'll make sure he's safe. Even if I have to walk him home myself.

"I'm feeling a lot of déjà vu right now." Soobin says after we've taken two soju shots. "Do you bring boys up here often?"

"They only see the inside of my bedroom." I say boldly hoping to elicit a reaction.

"I forget you don't know how to love anymore." He clicks his tongue. "Fake Love made that quite clear."

"Remember that song you sang me about Beomgyu?" I ask and he nods his head with a far off look in his eye. "Your group fucking ruined it."

We take two back to back shots. Soobin's face scrunches and every minute he is more handsome. Has his face always been so smooth? Have his lips always looked forever waiting to be kissed? Even his hair is recovering from the damage done by his last company. 

"They took me off lead on a song I wrote and produced!" He says passionately. His eyebrows scrunched together in anger. "I'm so glad I'm free of them. Sometimes I wish I'd never gone to America. I wouldn't have found them if it wasn't for my internship."

He takes a sip of juice I brought out from my fridge. I knew he'd need something to sip on. He's not as strong a drinker. Soobin shakes the bottle a little as our conversation continues.

"But you wouldn't have found Choi Beomgyu again." I say and he smiles when he hears his fiancé's name.

"Isn't it funny how we are all Choi's?" He giggles and I had forgotten how beautiful it sounded. "Yes, life went this way because that's what was meant to happen."

He pours us other round and holds it up waiting for me to toast with him. I'm reluctant because we've already had so many in a short period. But if I'm going to make an ass of myself might as well do it throughly.

"To one day being my best friend again." Soobin says with the biggest smile on his face.

He takes this shot no problem and I pull the bottle away. We'll take a little break. He's going to wake up hungover as fuck tomorrow. I'll feel bad about it tomorrow but if he feels just a little bit of what I've felt for six years maybe it's okay.

"Have you been together all six years?" I ask fidgeting with a loose thread on my pants.

"We broke up for a few months around our two year anniversary but we don't count it. I should've called then." He muses looking out on the city lights.

How can he say this and not expect me to kiss him? Or at the very least fight harder than I ever have for him. He had doubts and wanted to call me but didn't. I didn't think he could hurt me anymore than he already had. I was wrong.

"If you're so happy why are you saying that?"

"I wonder what my life would be if it was you I was marrying." He sneakily pours another round and shoots the shot. "I think about you more often then I'll ever admit. Beomgyu is practically perfect for me expect..."

Why is he doing this? All he is doing is giving me hope just for it to free fall and splat on the cement. I'd rather have no hope at all. At least then he can't hurt me more.

"What could he be missing? You fill your private socials with love letters to him and it's obvious your songs were about him." 

I'm desperate for an answer. I feel like I'm being led on. He says things that catch my attention and give me hope. I can't do this.

"There is a level of spark and connection that I had with you..." He pauses moving closer to me. "that I've never had with Beomgyu but I love him."

My breathing quickens as he moves closer but he only wants to pour me another shot. I take the first shot, then another wondering when this will numb my pain. I should send him home before I do something stupid, like confess my love again.

Soobin starts ranting about my songs and analyzing them. It's obvious that he loved them and he feels cool having songs about him. He keeps coming back to the happiest of the seven 'Our Summer.' Soobin can't describe how it makes him feel, but he says it's his favorite. 

"I've written songs about you as well but my old company said it was 'too depressing' for my group." 

I look up at him wondering what he's written about me. The songs about Beomgyu are usually sickeningly sweet. They don't use male pronouns but to anyone who knows him personally it's obvious. Most of the music produced with his former group was pretty bright and sweet. I can see why they didn't want something about his summer fling. 

"You'll have to play them for me sometime, Binnie." I say instead of the million things I'm thinking. His eyes light up when I call him by his old nickname. I've never wanted to read someone's mind more than I do right now. I want to know what he's thinking. What he's feeling. "Does he call you that?"

"No, it's reserved for you and my family. My fans used to call me it as well." He pauses with a somber expression. "I wonder if they'll support me if I ever debut again."

My head snaps towards him and we lock eyes. I can feel my face wrinkled with confusion. Of course he's going to debut again! It may take some time but of course he will.

"The only reason you won't debut again is if you give up on your dream." I touch his cheek. Probably not my best idea."I see your fans talk on twitter. They miss you a lot and can't wait for you to post new content. They'll support you when you debut again. How could they not? You're so special. I've never met an idol as down to earth and genuinely talented as you are."

I back away slowly. I'm dancing with the devil and I need to control myself. I'm his superior now. He has a fiancé. We aren't kids anymore. We can't make stupid mistakes, but I want to be stupid so bad. I want to kiss him just one more time.

"Thank you, Jjuni." He says and this time I don't protest. 

Hearing my nickname from his lips has a sort of calming effect on me. He looks so handsome sitting on the ground. His hair shinning in the dim light and his head thrown back looking at the stars. I wish I could stay in this moment forever, but I should get him back to his dorm. 

"I think you should go home. You have rehearsal in the morning and if you drink anymore you'll be sick." 

Soobin glares at me leaning over to snatch the second soju bottle. He quickly twists the cap and starts chugging.

"Soobin, no!" I exclaim as I try to take the bottle away without chipping his teeth. 

Somehow I manage to pull it away without hurting him. Why would he do that? Is he okay? Under normal circumstances this isn't something he'd do. Maybe he's more impulsive than when we are together. Or maybe just an alcoholic. 

He turns his back on me and pouts. I drink the rest of the bottle, which isn't much because he's a vacuum apparently. I think of how to address him and my drunk mouth deceives me.

"Love, we have rehearsal and my stupid ass has to be there too. I'll get in trouble if they find out we were drinking together."

He faces me when I say love and his eyes are watery. Soobin bolts forward and hugs me. I almost lose balance but manage to stay upright. I wrap my arms around him as tight as I can. Who knows when I'll get this opportunity again. I can feel his tears on my chest. I hold the back of his head tightly. 

"I miss you." He whispers so quietly I'm not sure he meant it or wanted me to hear.

He wears the same cologne and definitely washes his clothes with the same scent. Soobin smells like home and my heart feels so warm with him in my arms. I wish I could stay here forever.

"I missed you too. Let's go, I'll walk you home." 

By now all the other trainees should be asleep. If they aren't I'll pay them to be quiet. Soobin follows me closely hanging on the sleeve of my jacket. We might look like best friends to anyone who saw us. I wish that was the case. I wish there wasn't so much baggage between us. 

A few building over I pull Soobin to a stop. I don't want to be spotted just in case. He holds my hand while standing in front of me and I let my mouth slip again.

"I love you."

He hugs me tightly for a moment before speaking. Soobin has a dreamy expression that makes me think he's very intoxicated. He probably won't remember this tomorrow and that's for the best.

"And I love you but I've built a life with someone else. Perhaps if this happened five years ago things would be different. Let's forget this ever happened." He kisses my cheek and disappears up the street and into his building. 

Sobs wrack my body as I slip into an alleyway and slide down the wall. I curl into a ball putting my head on knees. I can't contain myself. I just want to scream. 

He loves me too, but he doesn't want me. How am I suppose to look him in the face every day? Does he think I won't remember this? Does he think that I'll be able to act like his friend when I know how he really feels? Did my songs make this much of a difference? Or was this waiting just below the surface?

I hope he doesn't do anything stupid when he gets home. Despite the fact he just broke my heart again I can't wish ill towards him. I want him to be happy but why would he tell me he loves then walk away. 

It's about twenty minutes before I pull myself off the ground and walk home. Crying for so long has left me feeling empty. I somehow set an alarm but fall asleep fully clothed. 

A few hours later my alarm is blaring and I just wish I could permanently sleep. I shut the alarm off seeing I have plenty of time to get ready. My head is pounding and my stomach is turning. I drink a glass of water and take a pain reliever on my way to the shower. 

Once in the shower the previous evening replays in my head and there are more tears. I pull myself together enough to make it outside. There is a ramen place near my apartment that is open almost all the time. I head that way in search of spicy noodles to help my hangover. 

An hour later I'm feeling a little better as I walk into the company building. I head into my office and start looking through tracks. I don't feel like being in a room with loud speakers right now. I especially don't want to be in a room with Soobin unless I'm needed. 

Two hours after rehearsal starts the other choreographer asks me to switch out because he's needed somewhere else. Begrudgingly, I close my programs and walk to the dance studio.

I greet a few people on my way but don't stick around to make conversation. All the trainees are present when I arrive. They are scattered around the room on their phones or drinking water. It takes me a moment to locate Soobin talking to the oldest trainee other than himself. He locks eyes with me and smiles. My heart shatters into smaller pieces. He doesn't remember or is pretending he doesn't.

"Split into trios. We are going to do this until every one of you can get this right with your eyes closed."

I work them harder than I need to just so I won't have to talk to Soobin. A few times I rudely corrected him and he looks taken aback. He can't receive special treatment. I can't be his friend. He loves me and still decides on someone else.

"Yeonjun!" Soobin calls after me when I'm leaving the building much later after a mentally exhausting day. 

"Mr. Choi." I snap back continuing to walk away from him. He catches my arm and I pull away from him.

"Come on, I'm not calling you that." Soobin says showing off his stupid perfect teeth. "We used to sleep together. Aren't we past that?"

I flinch when he says 'sleep together' so causally. It makes it seem like we were just fooling around. I understand where he's coming but boundaries are important.

"Do you remember what you said last night?" I ask and he tilts his head to the side.

"After you wrestled the soju bottle away it was pretty much a blur. Don't take anything I said too seriously I was gone." 

He makes a broad hand gesture and I can still see people coming out of our building. I pull him somewhere our co-workers won't see us. Still close but no one would think to look over here.

"So, I should just live with whatever you told me? Just forget this ever happened." I crook my fingers into quotation marks and he only looks more confused.

"What did I say to you?" Soobin asks with a worried expression. "I'm sure whatever it was I didn't mean it. We all say stupid shit when we've drank too much."

"Is telling me, you love me but you've built a life with another person and if this had happened five years ago maybe it'd be different, stupid shit?" I speak quickly on the verge of tears.

"Oh...I meant that." He looks over his shoulder and sees a trainee leaving and runs towards him before I can say anything. 

He knows I can't follow without looking suspicious. I can't hang out with him often without being reprimanded. I walk back to my apartment sulking and wishing I'd never given him my songs or that note. Maybe things could have been just fine and normal between us. Or maybe eventually it would've come out anyways. Either way I wish I could go back in time.

My evening is spent wondering what I should do about this situation. There isn't much I can actually do. Soobin has obviously made his mind up. I'm not going to tell Beomgyu what he's said to me. Even after his confession I don't think telling his fiancé would do anything. Beomgyu might try to keep him away from me if he found out. Would I rather live without him at all?

It takes every ounce of my self control not to call him. I want to figure this out in a place where he can't run away. It's funny how the confession I've been dreaming of for years has torn me apart. 

Impulsively, I email my boss. I rarely take time off or use my sick days. In the email I say I'm going through a personal crisis, but I'm in no immediate danger, and will be using my days off. I assure that I will be back in two weeks and sign off before sending it. 

A speck of weight leaves my shoulders knowing I won't be forced to see Soobin. A fantasy of him seeking me out plays through my mind but I shove it away. Wishful thinking will get me nowhere. 

I feel as though I'm at a moral impasse. Part of me wants to be with Soobin and fight for him no matter who he is engaged to. The other part of me realizes that's selfish because he's built a life with Beomgyu. Soobin and Beomgyu have been together practically their whole adult lives.

Must I leave it up to him? He must be confused right now as well. If he wants to talk we will, if not I'll just have to find a way to cope. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. I can't live in the fantasy land where he wants to be with me.

Maybe I'll just pretend it never happened. Could I see him around the company every day and not feel like my heart is being beat to a fine powder?

I walk to my living room and lie across the couch scrolling through social media. I'm about to put my phone down when I see Soobin has added to his story.

Technically, he's not supposed to have an Instagram account but again I'm not going to snitch. It's private and only his closest friends and family follow it. People that would never try to expose his relationship.

I click on the story and see he's having dinner with Beomgyu. Soobin calls him baby bear in the caption and he's put a location tag. It's like he's taunting me. It takes every bit of common sense I have not to run down there. He's out on a date with his fiancé less than 24 hours after confessing to me.

My next thought is to invite someone over and sneakily post about them to see if he'll get jealous. I don't think that'd be fair to the guy. I can't be that person right now. There isn't much hope I'd make it through that experience without tears. 

I scroll through twitter and see a photo of Soobin and I posted by one of his fans from my old Instagram. I immediately go to instagram and private the account. I'm not sure how it took them this long to find those, but the last thing he needs is more rumors. Some of those photos could definitely spark controversy. Particularly our tattoos and a few pictures of us almost kissing.

The fan seems mad I privated the account so quickly. They had already gotten a few photos but none that could do real damage. I see Soobin's fans speculating about how we know each other. I've worked with a lot of people so my name is decently know.

I spend a few hours watching them come up with theories until I find the right one. It's known that Soobin went to a dance studio for a summer before going to America. It's easy enough to find us on the alum list for the program. Even if they figure the rest out neither of us will confirm anything. 

It's nearly three in the morning by the time I fall asleep. Trying to figure out what to do for two weeks is difficult. I could go see my family but I don't think it'd be very helpful to me right now. Staying locked up in my apartment seems like the worst option.

When I wake up I have an email approving my time off and a few texts from concerned co-workers. I assure everyone I'm okay before getting up. After showering, I go out for breakfast. 

No one bothers me while I'm eating and I decide to visit my old dance studio. The one where I fell in love with Soobin. Possibly I'll find some kind of clarity there. But I'm not keeping my hopes high. 

I take a cab to the studio wondering what kind of classes are going on right now. Maybe I could join. It's been awhile since I've done any kind of workshop. 

The receptionist greets me kindly asking if I'd like to take a class. She stares at me like I look familiar. I've never seen her here before. I often come to visit my hyung. She must be new. There is literally a photo of me, along with other notable alum, on the wall in the hall between the studios. 

"Actually, I'm wondering if Park Jimin is here?" I fiddle with the edge of my jacket. 

"He's teaching a class right now in studio B. He should be done soon." She says looking down at her monitor. Then she suddenly looks up surprised and says, "Choi Yeonjun? Oh! Go right ahead."

I thank her smiling before I turn towards the studio Jimin is teaching in. I peer in the window not wanting to break them mid dance. Looks contemporary. I wait until they stop before entering the room.

"Choi Yeonjun!" I hear a few people stage whisper and not going to lie it boosts my ego.

Jimin turns around and a surprised look takes over his face. His pillow lips are slightly parted and his eyes are inviting. He runs towards me and wraps his arms around my waist. Jimin lets go half way to address his class. 

"Cool down then you're free to go. Practice at home and I'll see you tomorrow." Jimin lets go of my waist. 

He has a different air around him when he teaches. Much stricter and less playful. Jimin has dyed his hair blue for an upcoming music video he's dancing in. It's been awhile since I've seen him and it makes me genuinely happy to be here.

Jimin leads me to his office as we get through the normal small talk. He knows me well though and can tell something is off. Why else would be here in the middle of the day? 

"Are you alright? I haven't seen you in awhile." He sits in a comfy looking rolling chair and I take a seat on the sofa.

"Honestly hyung, the last few days have been pretty rough. Soobin is a new trainee at my company."

Jimin gasps looking over my head to a collage of his favorite students. He points and I nod my head. I take him through everything that has happened in the last few days. He knows the rest of the story we've been friends for years now. Jimin has set me up on many failed dates.

"Yeonjun..." Jimin seems shocked like he doesn't know what he'd do in this situation. "I've known you for years, and one thing I'm sure of is if you don't fight your very hardest right now you'll regret it for the rest of your life. He's precious to you and that means you should do everything in your power to win him back. If after you put your everything into trying to make him see how much you love him and he still marries Beomgyu you have to move on. I don't want to see you so miserable for the rest of your life. You deserve to find someone who makes you even happier than Soobin makes you feel."

Jimin locks eyes with me while he speaks and I can tell he's deeply concerned. This isn't the first time we've talked about Soobin, but I can tell he wants it to be the last. At least in this kind of situation. 

"I'm just not sure that I can take him breaking my heart again." I sigh rubbing my hands across my face. "He seems so happy but if he was actually happy why would he tell me that?"

Jimin shakes his head and I can tell he thinks I'm being naive. Usually that would hurt my feelings but I've had a little too much of that lately to really care.

"You wrote the boy a whole EP and a letter. That'd make me say things I usually wouldn't." He focuses on Soobin's photo. "Have another conversation, sober, and try to find some solid ground. Figure it out before you go mad."

We talk for a little while longer while he updates me on his life. He's hiring a new dance instructor and he's really excited. The studio is doing better than ever. Jimin promises to come teach a class at the company soon. He walks me to the entrance and we hug before parting ways.

I end up going for a walk past my old apartment building. Eventually, I end up near the river and I'm about to leave to get a meal when my phone dings. 

Soobin's name is on my screen. My heart flutters and I wish I could stop the idiotic optimism in my body. He's sent me a text message that is just an audio file. Trusting he isn't trying to hack my phone I download the file. I take my headphones out of my pocket and put them in. 

I press play on the audio recording and gloomy piano starts later joined by an acoustic guitar. It's a song about me. He recalls the highest highs and lowest lows we had creating a bittersweet melody. It's the kind of song that makes you wish you could make someone else feel that way. The stand out message is that he'd take the lowest moments a million times over to experience the best ones again.

Walking away from the river I message Soobin asking him if he wants to talk in person. I tell him to meet me at our old spot in an hour. That gives me plenty of time to eat before he'll arrive. Though it might have to be later since he's probably at the company.

After hours of meaningless wandering without a message I head home. Just as I've kicked my shoes off his name lights up my phone. I don't know what I was thinking earlier. Just because I'm not at work doesn't mean he isn't. 

I unlock my phone to see he's sent a text message. He says we can meet up in thirty minutes and he's sorry for replying late. I pick a location far enough away from our company that we won't cause suspicious. It's a park I used to walk in a lot when I first started working.

Despite knowing nothing is going to happen I find myself freshening up. I change into a top that's his favorite color and sigh. If only he could just be with me easily. Life plays me hard cards and I'm too stupid to figure out what I should do.

As I walk to the park I listen to his song again. It's nothing like the music his former group released. This means something. It's so deeply personal but in a way that could still be relatable to a wide audience. 

Sometimes I feel as if I'm the only one who has been through this kind of heart break. I know that isn't true and music constantly reminds me I'm not alone. Millions of people have felt this way. 

"Yeonjun?" I hear Soobin say from behind me.

I sit down on a bench that overlooks a stretch of grass. He joins me sitting as far away as he can. Through the dim street lights I can see how nervous he looks. 

"Why'd you send me the song?"

He takes a deep breath shuffling in his seat. My guess is he was being impulsive and sent without thinking. Soobin obviously doesn't know how much pain he's causing me.

"You didn't come to work today and I'm having a hard time expressing myself." He pauses looking over at me. "My music is the only way I can make you understand. I meant to send more but I had to go back to rehearsal."

I'm replaying the song in my mind. Alone that song just makes me yearn harder. Hearing he would take the pain again for just a little happy with me hurts.

"You keep running away when I try to talk. Every moment I spend around you makes this harder. You can't tell me you still love me then go out to dinner with your baby bear." I practically sneer the last two words. "You lied to him and he doesn't deserve that no matter how much I want you." 

"I wish it was you sometimes." His voice cracks and my instant reaction is to wrap an arm around his shoulder. "I know how fucked up that sounds. Beomgyu is incredible and I love him so much but he's not you."

He's crying and my heart is hardly under control. Part of me can't understand why he doesn't just leave Beomgyu. The sensible part of me knows sometimes you just aren't meant to be with someone. Soobin's face is buried in my chest and I rub the back of his head.

I gather every ounce of selflessness in my body while preparing a speech. There are a lot of things I want but there is no point in putting myself through more pain. The love of my life is sitting in my arms crying about how confused he is. I don't want him to feel like I have since the moment he left. 

"As much as I love you and want you to leave him I know it's not good for you. I want you to be happy and I wish that was with me but it's not. Beomgyu makes you happy and seems like he can take good care of you." I take a deep breath trying to fight off the tears. "We can't keep living in the past. All that's going to do is hurt us. Everything will work out."

Soobin lifts his head tears running down his cute cheeks. I wipe away the tears and he tries to calm himself down. He wipes his face with his sleeves leaving traces of foundation.

"I'm so thankful for you." 

His words make my heart flutter and I wonder if that will ever go away. We talk a little while longer and I explain I'm taking some time off. He asks what he needs to do to make me more comfortable. I explain to him we need to become friends again. Just friends.

It's takes months before my heart doesn't stutter every time he walks into a room. Soobin sent the rest of the songs about me and it helped me understand. Around month three Soobin suggested I hang out with Beomgyu. I was really against it at first but with some persuasion I gave in. He is a really nice person and I think we could be good friends.

If you told me last year I would be singing an original piece at Soobin's wedding to someone else I would have laughed in your face. But here I am in my best suit waiting for guests to arrive. Soobin is across the room touching up his makeup. 

A part of my heart will always belong to him. Maybe in another lifetime we'll be together. This time he's meant to marry Beomgyu and have a long happy life. I've grown happy for them with little jealousy or malice. 

I cross the room and stand behind him. Soobin is brushing his cheeks with a light blush. I watch him in the mirror and he smiles when he realizes I'm behind him. I'd be lying if I said his smile isn't dazzling anymore.

"You sure about this, Binnie?" I say in what I hope is a joking tone. 

"Yes, Jjuni. I've never been more sure." He turns around with a huge smile. "Are you ready?"

I rarely perform in front of crowds but I'm not nervous about that at all. Even after coming to terms with all this it's still going to be hard to watch him get married.

"Of course, anything for you." I tap his bicep where his fox tattoo is hidden by his white tuxedo. He does the same to me before turning away for a final look in the mirror. 

The ceremony is beautiful. So many people from our past are here. Jimin clutches my hand tightly while they say their vows knowing how hard this must be for me. A few others that know Soobin from our summer give me sympathetic glances. But I'm okay. I feel happy to be a part of such a special moment in their lives.

The song I wrote for them is actually an older piece that was about Soobin and I. With some changed lyrics and the addition of 'baby bear' no one will be able to tell it was what I wanted to sing at my wedding. I preform powerfully and the audience kindly gives me a standing ovation. My eyes lock on Soobin as I bow and I think he can tell this wasn't always their song.

Soobin is so surrounded by guests congratulating him and Beomgyu, he doesn't have a moment to call me out. Maybe I shouldn't have done that but everyone seemed to like it. 

Kang Taehyun finds me after we've eaten a wonderful meal and compliments my performance. We keep talking until the speeches start. Taehyun is a solo artist who gets more popular every year. I'm really proud of him. He don't talk as much as we used too. Maybe I'll talk with him more after this. 

The speeches make my heart ache so I swiftly down the champagne Soobin and Beomgyu have so kindly provided. I don't remember much of what is said but the dancing afterwards is fun. 

Taehyun stays by my side and we dance the whole night. I learn so much about him that I never knew. The years have been kind to him and it makes me hopeful that I have a new friend.

As I'm about to leave the venue Soobin pulls me into a dressing room. His cheeks are flushed and it's showing through what makeup he hasn't cried off. He looks so handsome with the dim light shining onto his face.

"Congratulations." I say softly. "I'm happy that you found your person."

His face contorts like this isn't the response he expected. I've grown a lot in the last few months. It's time for me to stop with my childish fantasies. 

"Thank you." He says shoving his hands in his pockets. "I really liked your song though I wish it would've been actually about Beomgyu and I."

"Can't expect me to be perfect all the time, Binnie."

He laughs thinking over something for a minute before he speaks again. Soobin runs a hand through his hair ruining the perfectly sculpted quiff. 

"Thank you for being here." He pauses reaching out to touch my hidden tattoo. "Love you."

For the first time my heart doesn't skip a beat at those words. I can tell he means it in a friendly way. The lack of I bothers me momentarily but I brush it off. I step forward and hug him tightly.

"Love you too."

[justanawesomeowl]

Because I always end up oversharing my study schedule on tumblr:

Today I will finnish my Criminal Procedure Law paper. Currently I’m 1/4 in (I have selected my jurisprudence, done the reading and have a guideline as to what do I want to say. I’m halfway through the second out of 6 cases I need to mention on the paper), so I think I will be able to finish today. The plan is finishing the one im doing, praying for a bit and powering through.

Tomorrow I need to prepare my 20th century presentation (analysing Trotski’s with blood and Iron speech) and getting in touch with my group to write the paper. This is stresful, because I need to find good sources and I haven’t gone to class all week.

on monday-wednesday i need to prepare my position / speech for my philosophy of law lecture (which might be harder because I want to defend Ius Naturalism and we’ve mainly worked through comparing Hart & Dworkin. It would be fine if I had more time and energy, but I can not read more). I need to choose one of the three topics, analyse it and list the problems and come up with an answer that’s both my own and coherent. I don’t even have notes of  this class, just about 200 pages of readings that I’ve worked on.

Finally, at some point I need to contact my “thesis” advisor (not a thesis, more like an “end of degree dissertation paper” and see if we can meet up to discuss the index + my questions. And I need to do more readings for this.

There’s also a couple non-priority academic responsabilities: making sure the group-excel paper is well redacted (but I have a friend of mine taking the lead on that one so it should be okay), catching up with the theory for my wednesday seminar (managed to finish it before time thanks to a friend), doing the RStudio test the professor has been hinting at, re-shaping my CV and applying to summer internships because everyone is doing it and I wanted to do it I just thought I had until March, and actually understanding what’s going on with my lectures beyond going to class.

Will Owl die of academic overestimation? Probably not, I’m actually hopeful about all of this and I think its just on the hard side of manageable. That said, balancing that + while trying to re-start my relationship with God might be on my stress limit

[adeezsblog]

My First 100 Days in College

Day 1: Welcome to Campus

I arrived on campus today, filled with a mix of excitement and anxiety. The orientation was overwhelming but also energizing. I met my roommate, and we seem to get along well. I can’t wait to explore more.

Day 10: Finding My Groove

Classes are in full swing now. I’ve adjusted to the workload, but some subjects are definitely challenging. I joined a study group for math, which has helped a lot. The campus is beautiful in the fall.

Day 20: Making Friends

I went to a few club meetings this week. I joined the hocky club and met some amazing people. We went on a breeze walk around the campus, and it felt great to connect with others who share my passion.

Day 30: Midterms Madness

Midterms are next week, and I’m feeling the pressure. I’ve been studying hard, but it’s tough to balance everything. I took a break and went to a campus event to clear my head. It was refreshing!

Day 40: Surviving Midterms

I survived midterms! Some exams went better than others, but I’m relieved to have them behind me. I treated myself to a nice dinner with friends to celebrate.

Day 50: Finding Balance

I’m starting to find a balance between academics and social life. I’ve been going to the gym regularly, which helps with stress. I’ve also been more proactive in reaching out to professors for help.

Day 60: going back hom

After months of college I can finally go back home, I'm so excited to see my family and friends and mostly my cats, I miss them so much and I'm finally turn 18

Day 70: A Taste of Freedom

I went on my first road trip with friends to a nearby city. It was liberating to be away from campus for a bit. We explored, ate great food, and created lasting memories. I felt like an adult.

Day 80: Facing Challenges

Things are getting tougher academically. I had a rough week with a tough assignment and personal issues. I reached out to my academic advisor, and it helped to talk things through.

Day 90: Building a Routine

I’ve developed a solid routine that works for me. I’m prioritizing my time better and making sure to include fun activities. I’ve also started journaling regularly, which is a great outlet.

Day 100: Reflecting on Growth

It’s hard to believe it’s been 100 days. I’ve learned so much about myself and what I want. I’ve grown in confidence and made amazing friendships. Looking forward to the next chapter!

Reflecting on these days, I realize college is not just about academics; it's about growth, friendship, and finding my place in the world. I can't wait to see what the next 100 days hold!

[shrinkrants]

Kelly Hayes on Teaching in Prison

This week, I made my final trip to Stateville Correctional Center. The prison will be shuttered by the end of September, and most of the imprisoned students I've gotten to know there have already been transferred. I was asked if I was interested in volunteering as a community advisor several years ago when a student who was interested in journalism needed support. Community advisors in the Prison + Neighborhood Arts/Education Project (PNAP) provide support, critique, advice, and feedback to imprisoned students in the University Without Walls program. I was honored by the invitation. In addition to meeting regularly with the student I was supporting, I also got to know other students, including a group of alumni who called themselves The 115 – a number that represented their collective time inside. I had the privilege of attending a conversation with The 115 about my book with Mariame Kaba, Let This Radicalize You, and it was one of my favorite conversations I’ve had with any group about the book. 

Everyone in the UWW program at Stateville received a copy of Let This Radicalize You, and I had a lot of great conversations with the students about it. More importantly, I had many great conversations with students about books I had not read yet. These men are some of the most studious individuals I have ever met. Their commitment to their studies and to forming a rigorous analysis is unmatched. With each visit, I learned from them. 

Over time, some of these men became friends of mine. I thought I would have more time with those friends, and more time to say goodbye, but a couple of weeks ago, we got word that the prison was closing sooner than expected and that transfers would unfold rapidly. I returned to the prison as quickly as I could in the hopes of seeing my friends before they were scattered across the state. I knew that, once they were moved, reconnecting would be difficult. As a person with a partial security clearance through an education program, I am not allowed to contact anyone in an Illinois prison through regular channels, such as sending mail or visiting. The prison bureaucracy demands that all communication happens through official channels, which are cumbersome and difficult to establish. 

My final visit to Stateville was bittersweet. I sat on a review board for a student I have been supporting for the last few years. He made a presentation and the board conferred about whether or not he would graduate. Despite being rushed to make his presentation much sooner than expected, the student I supported will, in fact, graduate. I am so happy for him. I am also glad we had the opportunity to say goodbye.

I missed that opportunity with a number of other students. One student who I was very fond of sent me a letter before being transferred, which an academic adviser shared with me. In it, he wrote, “I’m unsure when or if we’ll get a chance to cross paths again.” My heart sank upon reading those words. I do know that PNAP is working to reunite its student cohorts and is in communication with the Illinois Department of Corrections about transferring Stateville’s UWW students to the same facility in the coming months. IDOC had previously made assurances about transferring many of these students together but broke those promises in recent weeks. That is, of course, the nature of such systems. However, I have a lot of faith in PNAP’s team, and I know they are determined to bring these students back together. I will do all I can to support the restoration of this beloved community, which managed to cultivate so much fellowship and thoughtful analysis in a terrible place.

All prisons are torturous, and the conditions in Stateville are atrocious, even by those standards. During my first visit, I was warned by guards to never drink the water. Due to the prison’s horrid conditions, which imprisoned people and advocates organized against for years, some people view this closure as a victory. However, given that the men who lived at Stateville are not being freed, and a $900 million prison will be built in its place, it’s hard for me to view this as a win. Though I will admit, my thoughts are mostly focused on the men I knew there and how jarring this transition has been for them. I hope they know that I am thinking about them and how much I appreciate them. I hope they know that PNAP hasn’t given up on reuniting them and that I am determined to see and think alongside them again.

My friend’s letter ended with the words, “Together, in a community of solidarity, we can do anything.” 

I will return to those words for encouragement until my friend and I meet again.

Much love,

Kelly (you can access Kelly on Patreon here)

Organizing My Thoughts is a reader-supported newsletter. If you appreciate my work, please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber today. There are no paywalls for the essays, reports, interviews, and excerpts published here. However, I could not do this work without the support of readers like you, so if you are able to contribute financially, I would greatly appreciate your help.

[nicolesahowentworth]

Understanding the Diversity of Values that Inform Public Perceptions Regarding Seaweed Aquaculture on Vashon Island with Washington Sea Grant

         Hello everyone! This winter, I have had the privilege to work with Dr. Meg Chadsey and Dr. Nicole Naar at the Washington Sea Grant for my internship and to address my research question. WSG is a Federal-University partnership program that serves various communities, industries, and the state of Washington to “help people and marine life thrive by supplying research, technical expertise, and educational activities that support the responsible use and conservation of ocean and coastal ecosystems” (WSG -About Us). WSG often convenes diverse groups to learn, engage and collaborate on contentious issues and is a trusted source of scientific and place-based information for various seaweed constituents, including prospective growers working through the seaweed aquaculture permitting process. My project focuses on learning various perspectives on how community members of Vashon Island feel about the two proposed seaweed farms in the area. I’ve been conducting my research through conducting interviews, transcript analysis, public comment analyses, and a literature review. It’s been such a fascinating and fun experience to talk to so many different kinds of people and analyze sentiments on a pretty niche topic. No matter what kind of background or stance my interview subjects may hold, all in all, they seem so passionate about the environment, so that has been heartwarming to hear as well.

I have found working at WSG very intriguing and exciting overall; previously, I have never worked with a research organization before, so I have been finding every day to be a new learning opportunity. I have always had an image of researchers/academics being solely focused on their research, but it has been eye-opening to see how much public outreach and engagement opportunity there is at Sea Grant. One of my supervisors explained her job as mainly answering people’s questions and providing scientific evidence and tools to address environmental concerns and questions. 

One challenge I found was figuring out what my final deliverables were going to be. Due to the experimental nature of my work, my expectations, as well as my supervisors’ were quite nebulous. In some weeks, I found myself really overwhelmed by setting unrealistic goals. However, after talking to my faculty advisor, site supervisors, and Sean, we came to the conclusion it would be best to push some of the deliverables into the spring quarter and extend my internship. So that has been a huge weight off of my shoulder to be able to delegate some of my tasks into the next quarter. 

Below are some pictures of me on Vashon Island when I went there to familiarize myself with the community and the proposed sites, and to conduct in-person interviews. One of the proposed farmers took me out on a boat ride to show me his site! I also attached some at the WSG office, including one of eating polenta cake with my supervisor during our weekly meeting. The other is my work setup at home!

The questions I have for you all are:

What is your understanding of the drivers of natural-based resource conflicts?

What is something unexpected that you have learned from your internship experience? Mine is learning so much about the King County and Orca whales! 

What kind of images pop up in your mind when you hear the word “aquaculture” or “seaweed aquaculture”? 

How do you think public engagement has a role in permitting a private enterprise within a public space? 

Feel free to answer any of them :) 

Thanks so much for taking the time to read through my post! I hope we all finish off strong as we approach the very end of this quarter. Good luck!

Nicole Saho Wentworth

[wiumgtmktg]

Year Long Study Abroad

Because my dad is an alumnus of Western Illinois University, it was his idea that I should look into this university. I wish I could say I did, but I only cared that I was able to move two hours away from my hometown. As soon as I came, I tried to become involved in anything and everything.

It was all so new and exciting!

I joined Thompson Hall Government as a social media manager, regularly volunteered at the McDonough Animal Shelter, joined a sorority where I held a position, was a part of honors college, and I tried to attend MMA, IHC, and Zoology Club. I have no idea where this motivation came from since I only participated in one extracurricular in high school – Track and Field.

During my advisor meeting my freshman year, I asked her about the studies abroad flyers that were posted around the building. She mentioned a few, but there was a yearlong one that caught my attention. A group of Swedish students, a group of French students, and a group of American students would travel to each of their schools for 2 years: First semester in Lyon, France, second semester in Linköping, Sweden, and a year doing your masters in either DePaul University or Western Illinois University. It started junior year, and with this program there was no need to take electives. All I needed to do was have a high enough GPA and write a small paper about why I wanted to do it. It sounded like a good deal to me, and since I didn’t have to worry about it for over a year, I signed up.

Then, almost all the sudden, the summer was coming to an end, and I had to start packing for my trip. I might have been more scared than I was, but my dad volunteered to come with me to settle me into my place. Honestly, with him coming, it felt like we were only going on vacation.

He basically set everything up for me to stay in France: set me up with groceries, a sim card for my phone, and even showed me some places that he researched before we left. We met up with the three other Americans: two from DePaul and one from Western. Then we saw the six other Swedish students. We met the seven French students on the first day of school. We all bonded so fast; we ended up going to Paris our first week, and the Atlantis Program posted it as their cover photo.

Throughout the trip, three out of the four Americans got their phones stolen, including me. The worst part about it was the lack of GPS and the lack of music. Besides that, we visited many countries: Florence, Italy – Amsterdam, Netherlands – Rome, Italy – Barcelona, Spain. It was so interesting seeing all the places, their cultures, and especially their food. I do have to say, I loved hearing the natives speak, even if it’s just on the bus listening to them talk amongst each other.

We went to a university called INSEEC which by the end of the semester was renamed to OMNES Education. The hours were long, sometimes having upwards of six hours of class a day. Every two and a half hours the students were allotted a cigarette break for fifteen minutes, where I used to sprint to the nearest bakery to get myself lunch which I ate in class since there was no time to do it all within that time frame. I enjoyed the classes, most of them being relatively easy and minimal studying involved.

The ease of signing up for the Atlantis Program at Western was funny though because after meeting and talking with the other French students, they described the lengths it took them to get into this program. They had to be in the highest percentile of their classes, they had to write this big paper, and only a few got selected. Those selected were the best academic students and fought over spots with other students in their university. I was so unaware of how big of a deal this program is to others considering Western barely managed to get two students interested.

Near the end of the semester though, I ended up regretting my decision to do this Study Abroad. I was in the middle of the Barcelona vacation when I had a moment of weakness and ended up messaging my advisor in a panic about coming home. Questions I had raised were whether I would be able to graduate on time if I came back or even if I could come back. Thankfully, my advisor answered me incredibly fast, and made all my worries fade away by telling me that I could come back, that I wasn’t stuck there, and I would graduate within four years like normal.

I decided to at least finish the semester so I could get the credit for taking these classes since I refuse to let a semester go to waste. One day after class, one of the French girls who I hadn’t spoken to much came up to me with a goal, a goal to keep me in the program. If it weren’t for her, I would have missed out in what Sweden had to offer. She invited me to a family event where I witnessed real French culture, where the people were so genuinely kind to me. That small act of kindness gave me enough motivation to just give Sweden a try.

I feel like those sad moments are important to mention because there are so many people scared to leave the country, scared to move somewhere new. It is scary. But then I moved to Sweden.

The only reason I don’t regret doing this study abroad was because of my time in Sweden.

I learned what the Erasmus Program was, which is the European Union’s student exchange program. They also had this program in Lyon, France, but the school wasn’t clear about what it was and if I would’ve known about it, I might’ve had a good time. Although there were 800 exchange students in Linköping and maybe around 100 in Lyon.

The living situation of Sweden I think was the biggest help to meeting all the people I knew. We lived in this neighborhood that had all the Erasmus students in it, so your farthest friend was only a ten-minute walk, along with the grocery store being just around the corner. This differed from France because it was only the other three Americans and the six Swedish students living there in a normal apartment that housed people of all ages.

Linköping University had entire organizations dedicated to Erasmus students, even pushing new coming students to go to their events and mingle. I met the friends I still have today through this. I became friends with so many people so fast it was almost overwhelming. It made living in this cold, dark country the most enjoyable experience I have ever had.

I became close friends with one of the organizers of the Erasmus events, and we immediately set off on a road trip to Norway along with the one guy from Western. A few weeks later I got to spend my birthday in Lapland, Sweden, where I saw the Northern Lights and became even closer with the other exchange students.

Classes almost seemed to get even easier. Going into this Atlantis Program, the number of times I was told it would be hard, that I would really need to study and prioritize, I never felt that way. The beginning of the semester there were three classes that we had to take, each course starting after the other finished, and then two months to work on your thesis with a partner. I received great grades while being able to participate in student life. And this campus’s student life was incredible. There was a club on campus! It was incredible to see the way the university encourages these student organizations plan and maintain these elaborate events almost every week.

I was able to visit a few other places: Poland, Czech Republic, Norway again, and I had the best time. I went with all different types of nationalities too because I met them all through these Erasmus events. Because they were all from different places, there was one language spoken among us all: English. Of course, I felt bad that I didn’t fluently speak a second language, but it showed me that English really is the universal language.

Finally, by the end of my time there, I had friends that I planned on seeing in the following year(s). My study abroad was over just like that. I watched each friend leave Sweden to go back to their home country, one by one. It was heartbreaking but knowing that I was there for at the same university, the same semester, and we found each other at the right times made me feel like this was an opportunity unlike any other one. To make this deep of a connection with these friends could only have happened if I stayed this long. Those two-week studies abroad don’t show you nearly what this yearlong one did. I learned what it was like to live by myself and be myself. I learned what it was like to be surrounded by people who like you for you and felt what true friendship was.

I cannot thank Western Illinois University enough for this wonderful opportunity to live in other countries, and I wish more people would be willing to give a study abroad a chance.

[aefensteorrra]

Since I’m gonna have to go to lectures and seminars in person starting next week I should do something like sit in a cafe for 20 minutes or so to warm up to it?? I haven’t sat inside a public place without a mask on since March 2020.. I mean I guess in the airport cause I would take my mask down to take a bite of food but I’d put it back on immediately and plus airports are very controlled environments where most if not all people there would have had a negative covid test, a cafe round the corner isn’t a controlled environment but neither will uni be..

Realistically I know I’m going to be sat in the same room as people who have potentially been to clubs, pubs, cinemas, wherever, and I mean I regularly get public transport and will be working in a cafe, I share a kitchen with people I hardly know, I see friends (outdoors) who live with people who work on public transport, etc. It’s not like there is no threat in my life or whatever, in this building I pass people on the stairs, I’m face to face with my landlord whenever I collect a parcel/pay rent and we have a chat inside without masks on and I know him and his girlfriend go to bars and restaurants regularly, so why do I feel terrified by the prospect of sitting in a cafe to prepare for sitting in a lecture hall especially when I’m going to have to work in one next week anyway

[whentherewerebicycles]

reading the chapter on advising relationships and just feeling so... ugh.

[temporarytraveler]

Tips to entering into an Abroad Program

Currently I am staying in an apartment in Seoul for my 2 week quarantine. While I’m waiting to be released, I thought I would share some tips I found along the way that helped me get into my study abroad program :)

1. Research all your options

A year ago, I dreamed for the opportunity to go Korea. I had my plan set in mind that I was going to go to this specific school in Songdo (about 45 mins outside Seoul). But I started to realize the cons of the program. They did not offer enough courses in my major. Which oddly enough is Korean! That’s right, a Korean campus barely offered Korean languages classes. Plus, the school was just too far from Seoul for my liking. At this point the only thing stopping me from backing out was fear.  

I totally understand the feeling of having your heart set on a specific place, school, class and outright telling yourself there is no other option! I want this and I’ve already decided! That’s great, but from my experience even if you have already found an aboard program to apply for, double check all your options. First, check what your university offers. Find whose in charge of each program and email and set up a meeting over the phone or zoom with them to get an idea what they’re offering. Make a list of questions you want answered as well. Because who knows, that meeting may change your entire path! That’s what happened to me! I met with the director of the program for Yonsei University at my college and he convinced me I needed to go there instead.

2. Check what classes the school offers

https://portal.yonsei.ac.kr/main/indexe.jsp

This is so so important when making your decision. I’ve heard from other students that have attended Yonsei that didn’t bother to check if they had any major classes for them! I understand the want to study abroad, but choose a school that will fit your academic needs.

Now I can only speak for the Yonsei exchange program so I don’t know how its done anywhere else. To check what classes Yonsei University offers to exchange students (classes in English) visit the link for the Yonsei course Portal. From there, click the box that says Course Catalog and syllabus. There you can enter either course codes or course names. I recommend typing in a generic name like history and see what comes up. IMPORTANT: To know if a class is welcome for exchange students look at the far right column labeled EXCHANGE. It will either have an X or O telling you if you are eligible.

3. Stay on top of everything!

Abroad programs require tons of paperwork. It is a MUST that you make a check list of everything that you need to get done. Some documents you will need will come from your school and the aboard program. If you are missing anything or you are waiting on someone to get your required documents such official transcripts or papers needed for visa, Send. an. email. If you’re not comfortable at sending email now, you will be when this experience is over. Never expect your school or advisor to keep track of anything for you. You must know the ETA of the whole process. I repeat, do not wait around for someone to email you about it. Get it done. 

4. Find communities entering the same program.

One of the most important things I’ve learned from this experience is don’t do it alone. Look for Facebook, Discord, or in my case Kakao groups that are in the same boat as you! The best way to describe an exchange group chat is if you put all your brains together, you form one person that actually knows whats going on! It’s a great place to ask questions and make some friends before you get there as well! Studying abroad can be scary, so try to find support.

5. Nothing is ever simple

For anyone considering studying abroad, just remember that it is a stressful process. If something is done quickly, it usually means there’s three more obstacles to cross before actually completing it. Just pay attention to deadlines and check in with the people in charge if things get confusing. I believe everyone should study abroad. So, if you have the opportunity, don’t be afraid to take it. :)

[starshapedkookie]

Southpaw

pairing: jungkook x female reader (ft. a little sprinkle of namjoon)

genre: childhood friends to lovers, boxer jungkook, college/frat au

includes: swearing, angst, mentions of blood and violence, pining, smut (public/private, unprotected sex, hair pulling, jungkook is big guys, duh), alcohol, smoking weed, jungkook seems like an asshole but he’s really not, OC having a crisis every two seconds, some fluff here and there as well, also this takes place over many months just saying if time gets confusing

premise: Knowing Jeon Jungkook for the better part of your life, you thought you knew everything about him. Well, that was before you two disappeared from each other’s lives at least. When Jungkook suddenly finds himself buying you a coffee to rekindle your friendship, it leads to much more than you bargained for.

word count: 30k (she’s a monster sorry guys) 

quick note: this is my first story back in a year(?) give or take some weeks!! kind of nervous to post & not sure if my writing has declined in anyway but nonetheless here is the beast that has been sitting on my computer since April 2019!! quick disclaimer I don’t know much about boxing so if I get stuff wrong - I apologize!! please enjoy & let me know what you think ❤️happy 7 years BTS!

recommended songs for reading: pray (JRY, RuthAnne), mushroom chocolate (6lack, quin), hallucinate (dua lipa), wus good/curious (partynextdoor)

_____

The evening was slow—after all, it was only a Wednesday. You had just finished serving a table of two—a young man and young woman—presumably on a midweek date. You didn’t recognize either of them which wasn’t surprising considering the campus grossed about 20,000 people. You began to wipe down tables out of boredom, glancing at the clock every two minutes hoping it would jump to when your shift was over in forty-five minutes. Thankfully, you didn’t have much work to do when you got home, but you are wishing to get in bed before 10:30 to get a full eight hours of sleep for your lectures tomorrow—something you had not had in about two months. Most days, like today, you were running on five hours of sleep and five cups of coffee. It wasn’t healthy, you knew that much, but it’s how you had to live your life. Your schedule was too demanding to hit the snooze button multiple times. You had shit to do—and getting your degree was the top priority.

“Y/N,” your coworker, Mark, called your name from behind of the counter.

“Yeah?” You respond.

“Will you come help me clean this out?” He asks you and you nod diligently.

“Of course,” you say, dropping your current task of wiping already clean tables. Mark was the one student that worked here you could stand to be around. He was very much like you in the sense that school came before anything—he too was on a full academic scholarship. He worked here before you, but he made you feel the most comfortable out of everyone. You would consider him a close friend at this point.

The espresso machine was a pain in the ass to clean and did call for two people most of the time. Besides, you would rather smell the remnants of coffee beans than the harsh chemicals of bleach gliding across a table.

“You have much work to do after your shift?” He asks you.

“No, thank god,” you shake your head, “I got most of my shit done between my classes today. You?”

“I have to write a ten page paper by midnight,” he sighs, “And guess how many pages I have started.”

You give him a short glance, “I’m gonna take a wild guess and say zero.”

“Damn right,” he smiles. A short silence between you two ensues before he speaks again, “Oh! Did I tell you I’m graduating early?”

“What? Really?” You look at him and an excited grin plays on his face. “When?”

“Yeah, I spoke to my advisor this afternoon and turns out, the classes I’m taking this semester is all I need for my degree,” he speaks with a relieved tone.

“Wow, that’s awesome,” you say genuinely, “I wish that was me,” you give out a small chuckle.

“I’m just glad I don’t have to keep stressing over this hell-hole,” he laughs, “The sooner I get out of here, the better.”

“I feel you on that,” you say, “I’m proud of you nonetheless, you’ve worked your ass off dealing with this scholarship.”

He gives you a small smile in return but it’s broken by the bell ringing from the door, signaling a new customer has decided to come in. Your eyes break from Mark’s and glance over to the door, your head doing a double take.

Your mouth goes dry when you see them—more specifically—him. 

No, it wasn’t the first time you’ve seen him, but you couldn’t remember the last time you had seen him outside of a frat party on the weekends. And truly, it was your first time getting a good look at him in awhile. You felt nervous—though you had no reason to be nervous. You had known him since long before your days as university students, but since you weren’t plastered in this scenario, looking at him seemed more like a chore than ever.

“You want me to get their table?” Mark asks you and you look back at him.

“No, I got it,” you say, throwing down the cleaning cloth, wiping your hands on your apron.

The small group of boys are too busy in their own conversation to see you approaching them. You clear your throat before grabbing some menus off of the podium.

“Hey guys, welcome,” your voice breaks their conversation. The three men your age turn to you all at once and a small smile erupts from one of them.

“Y/N? I didn’t know you worked here?” Taehyung—another person you knew all too well—smiles and speaks brightly

“Yup,” you say simply, “Just been here a little over a month,” you explain pressing the best smile you can muster up. “C’mon, I’ll get you seated and get your order in.”

You lead them towards the back of the small restaurant, seating them in a booth. As they follow you from behind, you can feel their eyes burning into your back and you feel like screaming at the top of your lungs. They sit down and you pass out the menus.

“What would you guys like to drink?” You ask, putting a hand on your hip.

“I’ll take a coke,” Hobi—you remember his name easily as you see him around in a few of your classes.

“Coke as well,” Taehyung says.

“Jungkook?” His name rolls off your tongue and it sounds foreign. You couldn’t remember the last time you had said it, let alone to his face. His brown eyes meet yours and he clears his throat.

“I’ll just take a water,” he finally speaks, his gaze breaking just as fast as it met yours.

“I’ll get those right out,” a grimace spreads on your face and you turn on your heels to fulfill their drink orders. You hadn’t expected the encounter to be so awkward and have so much tension—but what did you expect?

Your relationship with Jeon Jungkook was a strange one to say the least. You had known him longer than anyone you associated with—you meet each other at the tender age of eight in elementary school. You remember that day so vividly.

You had been assigned a seat right beside of him the first day of school. He kept his eyes away from you. Being the energetic child you were, you were expecting him to introduce himself but—he never did. It actually took being in school a whole week to get him to talk to you. You nudged his arm with your elbow and his eyes meet yours for the first time. You smiled at him, “I like your shirt,” to which he responded a small, “Thank you.” He picked at his nails and you smiled at him again, “I’m Y/N,” though he would already know that sitting beside of you. “I’m Jungkook,” he spoke again with a shy smile. That day would change both of your lives—all thanks to you and your mouth that couldn’t shut the hell up.

Four years later, at the age of twelve, Jungkook was your best friend. For four years, he was the one person you had came to all about your problems—he as well. The two of you would complain equally about school, he would complain about his older brother picking on him, you would complain about your younger sister bothering you nonstop—the two of you were more alike in more ways than you could imagine. Despite getting older and more different, you and Jungkook shared the same friend group. You had met a girl named Kim Jennie during a pre-algebra class and Jungkook had met a lively kid named Kim Taehyung—no they weren’t related but you often joked about it. It was nice having another close friend instead of just having Jungkook—especially a girl. You and Jennie had more in common than you and Jungkook and Jungkook and Taehyung and more in common than you two. But—the four of you clicked and you spent nearly everyday with each other.

At sixteen, a lot of stuff had changed. Yes, you, Jungkook, Taehyung, and Jennie had all remained best friends, but high school was definitely not the same as middle school. You and Jennie joined the tennis team, Jungkook and Taehyung joined the soccer team—Jungkook also joining the baseball team—which kept the four of you more separated than you would have liked. The four of you all sat together at lunch each day, but as each day passed, something felt different with Jungkook. And then, halfway through your second year of high school, the news broke that Jungkook had a girlfriend—a cute girl named Yuna—who was actually older than him by a year. You felt indifferent about it. He didn’t speak to you as much as he used to and he would ditch you, Jennie and Taehyung to hang out with her. It didn’t bother Jennie or Taehyung as much as it bothered you—but then again—you had known him since you were eight and it felt weird not being Jungkook’s number one girl. You hated to say it—but you were jealous and you had no idea why.

Two years had passed, the four of you all eighteen and fully legal now. It was the end of your last year of high school and you could not be more ready to leave. Growing up through high school together, the thought of all of you going to the same university was a dream. The four of you were excited to move on to new things. Jungkook and Yuna had broken up a few months prior, not being able to work through the distance of her being away at college. Jungkook soon started molding back to how he was before—texting you throughout the day, complaining, just being Jungkook—you were happy, happier than when he was with Yuna. It was May when you had received the news that you had been offered a full ride academic scholarship. You cried and cried tears of joy—finally busting your ass for so long had paid off. Jungkook was so proud of you, though he didn’t outwardly show it, the way he looked at you when you had told him was all you needed. Taehyung suggested it—a small celebration of sorts for you—a.k.a. the four of you getting absolutely plastered in his basement. Taehyung had managed to steal some alcohol from his parents and before the four of you knew it, beers had been downed and half a bottle of tequila had been drank. You were laying on the floor, giggling at everything Jennie did, dancing around the room with a bottle of vodka in hand. Jungkook had laid down beside of you, his eyes boring deep onto you. You crane your neck and give him a small smile, not realizing how little space was between the two of you. Jungkook supports himself on an elbow and it was then you had realized how handsome Jungkook had actually become. He spent so long away from you when he was dating Yuna, you didn’t realize how much he had grown into his features. That night—was singlehandedly the best and worst night of your life.

You had no idea what came over you, but you stood up throwing out your hand for Jungkook to take. He grabbed it with no hesitation, him towering over you as your chests touched and it was the closest the two of you had ever been. Jungkook had looked over to Jennie and Taehyung, still drinking and acting stupid, before grabbing your hand and pulling you into the closest bathroom and shutting the door. Your heart was beating out of your chest and you grip his shirt tightly. The next few moments are a blur—Jungkook kisses you—actually kisses you. He gripped your waist tightly, pushing you against the door. A small whine emitted from your lips as he pulled away and you couldn’t believe this was actually happening. He kissed you again, pulling your thigh up to rest in his hand. This was wrong—so wrong in so many ways. But neither of you stopped until a bang from the other side of the door broke the steamy makeup session.

That night changed everything between you two. Neither of you talked about it ever again. Despite being so drunk to the point of blacking out—you remember every detail—and so did he. That summer, you and Jungkook grew apart. And it was the worst thing to ever happen to you.

Now, at twenty-one, almost through university, you had interacted with Jungkook only a handful of times. You had studied together a few times your freshman year, but after your first year, you could count on your hands how many times you had seen each other. Most of the time, only seeing him at parties with other girls hanging off of him. It was painful to see. Even after 3 years of a drunken kiss in Taehyung’s bathroom, it hurt more than ever to see Jungkook with other girls—but at the same time you didn’t care. You had moved on and so did he. You two were now strangers but your life was good—you didn’t need him like you used to think. And he seemingly didn’t either.

“Y/N? Earth to Y/N?” Mark nudged you out of your obnoxiously long reverie and you jumped out of your skin. “Are you okay?” He asks.

You look down and realize that you haven’t taken the three of them their drinks, the ice now watering them down to shit.

“Y-yeah, I’m just tired is all,” you begin to pour out the drinks to get new ones before Mark stops you.

“Here, I’ll handle them,” he says, “You can go home early, it’s fine,” he smiles.

“A-are you sure?” You ask him, not wanting to leave him by himself.

“Yeah, it’s about closing time anyways. Just head out, I’ll close,” he nods with a smile and you can’t help but to throw you arms around him.

“Jesus, thank you. I promise I’ll make it up to you one day,” you tell him pulling away. You wash your hands quickly and throw off your apron.

“Get home safe,” he says and you tell him the same before grabbing your bag. You glance one last time to the table in the back and unexpectedly, Jungkook is staring at you. It makes your breathing hitch and you turn around on your heel quickly, not wanting to linger on his gaze longer than you need to.

_____

The weekend comes slower than you would like, but it’s Friday which means one thing—time to go out and get a much needed dose of social life. You and Jennie had found yourself at the Beta Tau Sigma crush party at their fraternity house that evening.

“Here you go, m’lady,” Namjoon comes into your peripheral vision, handing you a drink he specially made just for you.

“Thanks,” you give him a small smile. You take a huge gulp without hesitation—you trusted Namjoon with your life. Not only was he on academic scholarship too, he was also the president of this fraternity which meant if he didn’t act straight—he would face serious consequences. The mix of brains, being ridiculously handsome, and being in a fraternity was a recipe for disaster—he was your type—bonafide. You were his type too which is maybe why the two of you clicked so well, particularly in bed.

“My feet are fucking killing me,” you groan glancing down at your heels, rolling your eyes in the back of your head. Namjoon throws an arm over your shoulder, pulling you closer to him.

“At least you look hot as fuck,” he lips brush against your ear and you give him a glare.

“Isn’t hot kind of a degrading term in today’s world?” You press.

He narrows his eyes at you, “Fine—you look beautiful, cute, sexy—is that better?”

“Much better,” you nod playfully and Namjoon gets bold—pulling you even closer to him for a small peck on your lips. Eyes linger on the two of you but you couldn’t care. So many girls would love to be in your position and you feel lucky to have captivated Namjoon at least for now. Besides, he was good at fucking and you needed stress relief, as did he.

Unsuspecting, Jungkook waltzed his way into the room and he immediately stops when he sees the sight of you and his older brother Namjoon. He had heard rumors about the two of you, which he brushed off—you would never go after someone like Namjoon—oh who is he kidding? You and Namjoon are the same person and it kills Jungkook inwardly. The way Namjoon is nuzzled into your neck and the way you're smiling, giggling to every word he says, makes him feel uncomfortable. You looked so different at parties than how he saw you a few days ago at your work. Your legs looked sexy as fuck in your short black dress, your hair flowed down beautifully as opposed to being thrown up, the way red lipstick painted your mouth made him semi hard. Jesus, how after all this time, does he still think about you like this?

Your eyes break away from Namjoon and your smile falls when they meet a familiar set of doe eyes from across the room. Your breath hitches and Jungkook looks so handsome you want to die. His dark hair is slightly parted, his button up is undone at the top, and his legs fulfill his pants better than any guy here. He downs two shots, not breaking his gaze from you. You feel intimidated by his gaze and presence, despite having seen him at these things multiple times. The only difference is that now—he’s giving you some attention that you weren’t ready for.

Your gaze breaks away from each other when a group of loud boys—including Taehyung as well as Kai, another brother within the fraternity—come rushing into the room, hauling a keg in tow.

“Hyung! Come on,” Taehyung teases drunkenly as they set down the keg. There are many hyung’s for Taehyung in the room to not have specified which one he was talking about, until he deadpans on Namjoon. “Namjoon-hyung, come on!”

Namjoon begins to shake his head in protest, “I’d rather not,” he puts his hands up, keeping his distance from Taehyung, “Gotta keep an eye on this one tonight,” he nudges you and Taehyung’s eyes widen when her realizes it’s actually you, standing beside of his older brother.

“Y/N! Hey! What’s up! Didn’t expect to see you here, especially with this one again,” he narrows his eyes to Namjoon.

“Hi Taehyung,” you give him a small smile.

“Do a keg stand with me?” His eyes bulge out like a puppy dog and your own widens in shock at the question.

“Oh no,” you protest, looking up at Namjoon, “Last time I did a keg stand was freshman year and I said never again,” you explain to him. He gives you a pout.

“Fuck,” Taehyung says, “Well who is gonna do this shit with me then?” He sounds impatient and frustrated.

“Get Jungkook too—he’s been looking over in this direction for too long, give ‘em something to do,” Namjoon says and you look up at him. Did he notice Jungkook looking at you? Shit.

“Hell yeah, that little shit will definitely do it,” Taheyung smirks and yells for Jungkook to come over. Jungkook is preoccupied with a girl before Taehyung breaks his mojo from across the room. Jungkook sees Taehyung and you standing together and he furrows his eyebrows. He excuses himself from his pussy date for the night and saunters his way over towards your direction. You keep your eyes anywhere but Jungkook as he approaches you.

“Hey hyung,” Jungkook greets Namjoon, “Y/N,” he says slowly and you tense up. “What do you want Taehyung?” He spits out. He’s clearly buzzed as the attitude coming off of his tongue is stronger than usual.

“Do this fucking keg stand with me pussy,” Taehyung presses and Jungkook scrunches his nose.

“Fuck no,” Jungkook responds and Taehyung rolls his eyes.

“Come onnnn,” he drags out, begging his life long best friend to do it.

“Absolutely not, I’ve done it once and I said never again,” Jungkook says and your eyes nearly pop out of your head. Taehyung looks at you and Jungkook and shakes his head.

“I swear you two are the same person in a different body, it’s weird,” Taehyung says, “Your loss,” and Taehyung is soon leaving your side to find someone else to do his proposition.

Jungkook is left standing in front of you and Namjoon in an awkward silence.

“Don’t forget, you’re on clean up duty Jeon,” Namjoon raises an eyebrow at the younger man.

Jungkook groans, “Fine, whatever hyung,” his words run together as he gives you a final glance, “See you later Y/N,” is the last thing he says before he walks away to find the girl he was smooching up prior.

Namjoon gives you a weird look before you are furrowing eyebrows at him, “What?” You ask.

“What’s up with you two?” He asks motioning over to Jungkook.

“What do you mean?” You gulp down your drink hoping to hide the nervousness in your tone.

“Didn’t you two use to be like, best friends or some shit?” He asks.

You shrug your shoulders, “Yeah, when we were kids,” you chuckle.

Namjoon doesn’t seemed convinced, “I remember you two hanging out a lot during Jungkook's freshman year here, what happened?”

You shrug once again, “People grow apart,” you answer simply, not wanting to go in detail how one kiss basically ruined whatever your friendship was with him. Namjoon suddenly smiles, a dimple showing in his left cheek.

“You know he talks about how hot you are? Not all of the time, but I’ve heard it before,” he laughs and you freeze in your spot.

“What are you trying to prove by interrogating me Joon?” You say with some attitude. That was the least thing you expected to come out of his mouth.

“Hey, I’m just asking questions!” He defends himself, “I just didn’t know if something happened between you two—like you dated or something and shit got weird, I don’t know… just curious,” he chuckles a bit.

You eyes widen and you feel yourself getting warm, “Oh no, we never dated or…anything like that…” you trail off. “We’ve just grown apart, we’re too different now.”

Namjoon raises an eyebrow at you, “According to Taehyung you two are the same person.”

You glare at him, “Get me another drink,” you shove your cup into his hand and see laughs at you before sauntering away for a few seconds. He comes back with a full glass and you down half of it in a few seconds.

“Ew,” you scrunch up your nose. Nice, you think to yourself.

“Maybe you should talk to him? I’m sure having an old friend is nice every once in awhile,” Namjoon continues, clearly interested in your history with Jungkook.

“I have Jennie,” you answer, “Besides, conversation goes both ways. If he really wanted to be friends again, he could talk to me.” You knew that answer was stupid. Jungkook didn’t even speak to you when you were younger. You were the one that initiated the friendship, not him, and you knew that.

“Whatever you say space cowboy,” Namjoon draws out and you give him a glare.

“Did you just quote Kacey Musgraves?” You ask with a small smile on your face.

“Fuck yeah I did,” he smirks, “She’s a gay icon are you kidding me, I’m obsessed with her.”

“Joonie, you’re not even gay,” you laugh.

“So? I love anyone who supports gay rights! Don’t discriminate my quotes!” He defends himself and you cannot help but laugh at him.

“Let’s go dance,” you grab his hand and pull him out of the kitchen onto the main dance floor. Namjoon was perhaps one of the more attractive people you’ve met here in your four years. He oozed sex appeal and charisma, which is why anytime he wanted to hang out or take you to a party—you obliged. If it meant getting in his bed at the end of the night, wearing the heels was worth it.

Namjoon puts his hands on your waist and the two of you dance to music in the crowded dance floor. Namjoon grabs a bottle of liquor from one of his other brothers who you have never met before and the two of you share a nice gulp of the cheap—but very strong—vodka.

You haven’t had too much to drink but you know if you drink anymore, you will not make it back to your apartment. You push the bottle away from you and turn to face Namjoon. His brown eyes stare into yours with a glassy, tipsy appearance, and he smirks at you.

“What?” You question him as his grip gets tighter on you.

“I wasn’t lying when I said you looked hot,” he says smoothly and you roll your eyes yet again.

“How sweet,” you grumble, biting down on your bottom lip. Without a warning, he leans in and pecks your lips gently. The alcohol in your veins surges through you as you lean back in and close the gap. Even in your heels, you still have to crane your neck some to fully reach his stature. His hands grip your waist tightly and you tug at his light brown locks, pulling him impossibly closer to you.

He presses himself into you a little bit harder and you can tell he wants you, his hands gripping one at your waist and the other one in your hair. Everything around you goes blank was it only feels like the two of you in the room together. Unfortunately, your moment is ruined when someone bumps into the two of you, knocking you apart. Namjoon steadies you and he glares at the two girls that ran into you.

“You want to get out of here?” Namjoon says into your ear, his breath fanning over your neck sending chills down you body.

“Yeah,” you nod a little too excitedly and he grabs your hand pulling you away from everyone. Namjoon is taking you up the stairs before someone calls out your name.

“Y/N!” You turn around in Namjoon’s grip to find Jennie holding onto the railing of the stairs, swaying back and forth drunkenly.

“Oh god,” you mutter.

“Is she okay?” Namjoon asks as he follows behind you back down the stairs. No, in fact, she looks terrible.

“Jennie, what’s up? I thought you were with Suzy?” You ask her and her face scowls.

“I was, but then… he showed up,” Jennie says, knowing exactly who she is talking about, “And he brought another girl with him! Y/N, what’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough for him?” Jennie is rambling as tears began to flow down her face. You look at Namjoon as he assesses the situation.

“I-I can get an Uber for her, if you’d like?” Namjoon offers and you nod.

“Please?” You beg and Namjoon grabs your hand squeezing it reassuringly before walking away to get the car.

“Jennie, come on, snap out of it,” you tell her and she continues to sob in your arms.

“Y/N, I don’t get it, I love him and he says he loves me but he does this shit all of the time,” she rambles.

“I know, I know,” you try to calm her down, “Jennie your drunk right now, but you’re so much better than him. I know you don’t realize it, but you are—“

“He makes me feel like shit,” Jennie sighs and you cradle your friend. Unfortunately, Jennie doesn’t have the best taste in men and she finds herself stuck in toxic situations she can’t get out of. You wish you could help more then you do but when Jennie is drunk, it’s hard to get anything through to her.

“Come on, let’s go to the bathroom,” you pull her up before she starts fighting you.

“I don’t need to use the bathroom though,” she pouts.

“Well, you might, let’s go,” you manage to hold her up and get to a bathroom in a hallway that isn’t too crowded. You reach for the handle only to be disappointed that it’s locked. Great.

You beat on the door with your free hand, “Hurry up in there! I have a crisis hanging off of my arm!”

“Hey, don’t call me that you bitch,” Jennie frowns and you roll your eyes, knowing she won’t remember any of this in the morning. You beat on the door again and again and again and finally, someone unlocks it and opens it fully.

The sight makes your eyes widen and your body heat up on fire. In front of you stands Jungkook against the counter zipping up his pants and the girl he was with earlier standing from her knees, wiping her mouth with a smirk. She leaves the bathroom, leaving you standing there with Jennie alone. When his eyes meet yours, his face goes ghostly pale. His mouth parts open and he feels like crawling into a hole to die.

“Y/N, Jennie?” Is all that comes from his mouth.

“Move Jungkook,” you say sternly and he moves to make room for you two in the bathroom.

“Uh, do you need any—“

“Leave Jungkook, I don’t need any help,” you say frustrated at the sight you just witnessed. You don’t know why you felt angry at him. You knew that he slept around like most fraternity boys—but to see him after getting sucked off in a bathroom—was new territory. Not only did it bring up the memory of you and him back in Taehyung’s bathroom all those years ago, it made you physically sick to know that you were just a pawn for him then. Who are you trying to kid? You were nothing to him. Once he figured out what his dick was used for, that’s all he cared about. Christ, you say to yourself, fuck him.

Jungkook leaves the two of you alone and within seconds, Jennie is over the toilet hurling her entire stomach up. You hold her hair back as she heaves into the toilet, trying not to gag yourself.

“Y/N,” she mumbles, “I don’t feel good.”

“I know, just keep it in the toilet please,” you say looking away at the sight.

Thankfully, Namjoon appears at the door. “The Uber is here,” he announces.

“Come on, we’re going to get you home,” you tell her, wiping her mouth with some toilet paper.

“Home?” She asks, “Thank god.”

Namjoon grabs her other side as the two of you carry her outside into the fresh air. You have to admit, the fresh air as sobered you up slightly. You spot the car waiting up front and Namjoon opens the door for Jennie.

“Thank you so much,” you tell Namjoon as he helps Jennie into the car.

“It’s seriously not a problem,” he smiles, “You should go with her,” he suggests and you feel your heart drop.

“A-are you sure?” You ask, subtle disappointment in your tone.

“Yeah, it’s fine—we’ll pick up another time,” he gives you a wink and you smile back.

“Okay, thanks again.”

You load into the back of the Uber with Jennie and you just pray that she doesn’t hurl in the car, for the sake of you and the Uber driver’s car. You were not about to pay the $200 fee for puke in the backseat. 

_____

The next morning comes all too quickly in your deep sleep. When you wake up, you are not expecting Jennie to be in your bed with you. You had nearly forgotten she refused to sleep in her own bed last night, therefore you having to give in to her wishes of sleeping with you. Thankfully, you don’t feel like you have too bad of a hangover. For Jennie though, you know she will probably be in bed all day with a bottle of Tylenol at her bedside.

You check your phone and your eyes nearly burst from your head. It’s 1:07 PM.

“Fuck,” you groan to yourself. You did not need to sleep this late considering you absolutely needed to study for your exams on Monday. Not only was it an exam—it was your midterm exams in your human sciences and financial analytics classes, two classes that were kicking your ass. The longer you laid in your bed, meant the longer you were losing time to cram in your studying. You swig the sheets and blankets off of you to find yourself still in your party dress from last night. You grab a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt from your wardrobe before heading to the bathroom.

Your appearance makes you shudder when you seeing yourself in the mirror. You didn’t even take off your makeup, mascara and lipstick stains spread out on your face. Now it was time to really pray that you wouldn’t breakout from the old layer of foundation on your face. You grab a makeup wipe to get the gunk off of yourself before you step into an insanely hot shower.

You manage to shower quickly, scrubbing your body and face off of any stench left of you from last night. You step out, moisturizing each crevice that you can reach before you throw on your clothes. You feel 200% better now that you have showered and you can hear footsteps coming down from the hallway. Jennie appears at the bathroom door rubbing her eyes harshly.

“Good morning sleepyhead,” you comment and she stretches out her limbs, her dress hiked up far up her legs where her underwear is showing.

“Ugh!” She groans loudly, “My head is pounding. What the fuck happened last night?”

“There’s some medicine out in the kitchen,” you say as you follow her out into your living room and kitchen area. She goes immediately to the medicine cabinet and downs two pills with ease.

“Where are you going?” She asks as you began to gather up your school work into your book-bag.

“I have to study,” you tell her and she closes her eyes again, the sun being too harsh for the light.

“It’s Saturday Y/N,” she says obviously.

“I know,” you zip up your bag, throwing it over your shoulder, “But I have two midterms Monday—I can’t make below a B or I can get in trouble with the dean,” you explain and she nods, her sleepy gaze staring at you.

“Well, have fun. I’ll be here—dying,” she grins and you salute her off, leaving your shared apartment to go to the campus library.

The library is only about a ten minute walk and thankfully, not many students are flocking to the location on a Saturday afternoon. You assume that everyone is either hungover like Jennie or just don’t give a shit enough to come out and study.

You grab a coffee from the small coffee shop outside the library before you go in, sit down, and get to work on your studying. You turn on your classical music radio as you take out out your printed slides, notes, and textbooks. As strange as it is to say, as much as you hated studying—it’s where you felt the most comfortable. You knew you were smart and you knew school was your strongest trait—everyone knew that about you.

You go through each chapter of your human sciences class, writing and rewriting notes on new sheets of a paper. You make flashcards as you go along. You answer the obnoxiously long quiz questions at the end of your textbook as you go along. 

Thankfully, you haven’t had any distractions and before you know it, it’s been nearly two hours since you first sat down. Your coffee is now cold but you don’t care as you need the caffeine to keep you going. You are about to pull out all of your analytics material before suddenly, a coffee cup in placed on the table in front of you. You look at the source and look back down until you look up again. 

“Jungkook?” You ask pulling out one of your earbuds. His face is tired, the bags underneath his eyes prominent. He’s wearing a gray tracksuit, his hair messy underneath his somewhat contained beanie.

“H-hi,�� he says simply, “Can I sit?” He asks referring to the chair across from you. You nod as he slings his backpack off and into the floor as he plops down in the chair.

“Hi,” you speak lowly. There’s tension between the two of you. It’s uncomfortable. You hate it, almost as much as you hate the sight you saw last night. “What’s up?” The question is simple, but forced.

He shrugs, “I dragged myself out to study despite my busting headache,” he says scratching the back of his neck.

“Jungkook in the library? To study? Did I hear that right?” You ask and he laughs slightly.

“Yup, unfortunately you did,” he answers before letting out a sigh. “I uh, got you this,” he slides the coffee cup over to you and you furrow your brows. You face heats up. Why would he buy you a coffee? The time Jungkook bought you something was a card and flowers the evening of your high school graduation, why the hell would he buy you a coffee?

“Thanks,” you laugh awkwardly grabbing the cup from him. You take a sip from the cup and realize it’s exactly how you like it. Three creams, an espresso shot, and a dash of vanilla flavoring. “How’d you know this is what I like?” You ask.

“Uh, you told me a few years back,” he says shy, his gaze ripping away from you. “I assumed it was the same, thank god,” he laughs trying to lighten up the mood.

“Thanks,” you repeat, unsure of what to say.

“Uh, how’s Jennie this morning?” He asks you with a genuine concern. You look from him, not being able to hold his gaze without burning up.

“She’s fine,” you say, keeping your eyes on your notes and hands in front of you.

“That’s good,” he says awkwardly. His leg is bouncing uncontrollably underneath the table and he feels like he needs to throw up.

“Why did you buy me this?” You ask him. He wants something, you can feel it.

“Um, no reason, I-I just saw you h-here and I know how much you love coffee,” he stumbles over his words and you meet his gaze again, before giving him a glare.

“Hm,” you mumble.

“Listen Y/N,” he starts, sounding more clear of his words, “I know we don’t really have a relationship anymore but, I-I just wanted to apologize to you about… the bathroom… last night,” he sighs and he hangs his head down for a second.

Your expression is blank and you shrug your shoulders with a small head shake, “Don’t worry about it.”

He nods slowly before a silence falls between you two.

“Listen, um I really have to get back to studying for my midterm tomorrow. Thank you again for the coffee,” you say with a small smile, trying your best to be cordial with him.

He nods getting ready to stand up but he stops abruptly, “What are you doing this week?”

The question catches you off guard.

“Oh, um,” your mouth is dry and it’s hard to find the words, “Probably studying, working, I don’t know,” you shrug again.

“Well uh, I was wondering if you wanted to meet up?” He bits his lip nervously, “We haven’t hung out in awhile, I thought maybe we could catch up?”

Awhile would be an understatement. The boy and you exchange another glance before you begin to nod hesitantly.

“Sure,” you answer simply.

“Cool,” he responds, “You still have the same number?” He asks. The question is weird. How is it that your best friend of so many years has to ask if your number is the same?

“Yeah,” you nod. He nods too, saying a quick goodbye before you watch as his built frame disappears into another corridor of the library, your eyes lingering a little too long on his built frame. What the hell was that?

_____

On Monday, both of your exams go a lot better than you were expecting them to. Your human sciences exam had already been graded and you made a 94 which in turn meant you were over the moon. Now you could only hope for that in analytics.

You know sat across from Jennie at one of your campus’s sandwich shops eating a late lunch.

“I don’t even know why you stress so much about your grades Y/N,” Jennie says, “You always end up with an A.”

“Jennie, I worry because if I don’t get A’s I can get kicked out of the honors program, you know this,” you say with pointed eyes, “Besides, I made a B in that business statistics class I had my freshman year, I’m still pissed about that!”

“Boohoo, I got a C minus in that class,” Jennie rolls her eyes, “All I’m saying is, you just need to loosen up. I know school is stressful but I know that you have to be going crazy.”

“I am going crazy Jennie,” you whine, “I’m just glad we don’t have much longer,” you sigh heavily.

“You and me both,” she adds, “I’m sorry I interrupted your stress relief the other night,” she says.

“What?”

She laughs, “You almost got dicked down by Namjoon and I ruined it,” she pouts and you giggle at her.

“It’s fine,” you shake your head, “He said we could pick it up another time.”

“Good, his fine piece of ass is something you gotta keep,” she smirks. Suddenly, your phone makes a ding on the table and you grab it quickly. Your eyes widen slightly when you see the text message.

[3:32 PM Jeon Jungkook] hey do you still want to do something this week?

“Who is that?” Jennie asks you.

“Uh, nobody,” you shake your head putting the phone back down.

“It most definitely is not nobody—your eyes are huge,” she points out. Dammit.

“Um,” you start, “Well last week at work, Jungkook, Taehyung, and their friend Hobi came in later at night,” you tell her, “And it was awkward and then I saw Jungkook at the party on Saturday.”

“We see him all the time at the parties we go,” she shrugs.

“I know, but then he came up to me in the library the other day…and bought me a coffee,” you finish.

Jennie’s eyes widen. “What?”

“I know right,” you say.

“Wonder what he wants from you?” She purses her lips.

“He asked if he wanted to go out this week,” you shrug, “He said we haven’t in awhile and he wanted to ‘catch up’,” you say.

Jennie’s eyebrows furrow. “Hm,” she mumbles, “Well are you going to?”

“I don’t know,” you tell her honestly, “I think I’ve seen enough of him to last me awhile.”

Jennie grimaces at you, “Come on Y/N,” she says, “You and Jungkook used to be inseparable, I don’t even know what the fuck happened to you two.”

“We just grew apart Jennie,” you tell her.

“Friendships like you and Jungkook don’t just ‘grow apart’,” she uses air quotes.

“Believe what you want,” you mutter, picking at your food suddenly not feeling too hungry.

“Why wouldn’t you go? There’s nothing stopping you is there?” She presses.

“Not exactly, but… I don’t know if it’s a good idea,” you mumble.

“Y/N, he’s your oldest friend,” she says, “You’ve known him longer than anyone else here, I know that you miss him as your friend,” she goes on.

“I don’t know Jennie, we’re not the same people we used to be. We’re not compatible as friends anymore, it’s weird.”

“How can it already be weirder than it is now? It’s weird as fuck that you two grew up together and don’t speak to each other anymore. I’d say go, just hangout, who knows what might happen,” she reasons and you cannot help but agree with her.

You don’t say anything else as you pull your phone back out.

[3:38 PM Me] Yeah I’m free tonight if you want to do something!

_____

Jungkook picks you up at seven on the dot. You feel nervousness settling in your stomach and you suddenly care about your appearance. When you open the door of your apartment and welcome him in, you have to tell yourself to keep your mouth closed.

He’s dressed in a sweatshirt and ripped jeans but he looks…so good? You hope you aren’t overdressed in your dress and denim jacket and he smiles when he meets your gaze.

“Hey,” he greets you and you welcome him into your apartment—a place he has never been.

“Hi,” you say grabbing your keys from the kitchen. “Jennie!” You shout and she emerges from the laundry room

“Yeah?” She stops dead in her tracks when she sees Jungkook. “Oh, hey Jungkook.”

“Hi,” he smiles.

“I’ll be back later,” you tell her, “What are you doing tonight?”

“I have to write a report and I guess I’m going to do your laundry since you’re lazier than shit,” she presses. You throw up your middle finger and turn to Jungkook.

“You ready?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

_____

“Where are we going?” You ask him as you make your way outside, keeping a relative distance between you and him.

“You hungry?” Jungkook proposes, almost with a playful tone.

“Mhm,” you mumble, looking down at the ground as you walk. This was weird… so fucking weird. The last time you and Jungkook had hung out was around two and a half years ago—not even shitting. You wonder if he still liked the same things, had the same hobbies, ate the same food, but you were completely unsure of yourself in this circumstance. The nervousness hasn’t settled in your stomach and your mind wonders if he’s nervous too.

“Alright, c’mon,” he says and you meet his gaze before he changes direction with you in tow.

It’s not even a five minute walk—mind you, in silence—until we reach the place Jungkook had led you to.

“Really Jungkook?” You raise an eyebrow at him as you step into your all too familiar work place.

“What?” He laughs, “The food is good,” he continues.

“I’m starting to think you brought me here for my employee discount,” you press to him and he tilts his head.

“You have an employee discount?” He repeats, “Good to know,” he chuckles and in turn, you return a small laugh, feeling a little more comfortable.

Mark isn’t working tonight, but unfortunately, a girl named Kyla is and you absolutely despise her. Her biggest personality trait is just being a bitch—a bitch for no reason! Sure, you can have your bitchy moments but you’re not going to be a bitch to someone unless they deserve it.

“Y/N… Jungkook,” Kyla says slowly, looking between the two of you. “Just sit wherever you like,” she says. The restaurant is free real estate as you two are the only ones here.

You choose a booth, sliding in on one side, Jungkook on the other.

“Do you know her?” You ask Jungkook once she walks away from your table.

Jungkook looks pale, “I’ve met her, once or twice,” he says and it’s all the confirmation you need to understand that means he’s fucked her once or twice.

You don’t say anything else as you look through the menu, already knowing exactly what you want.

“When did you start working here?” Jungkook asks you.

“Oh, about a month ago,” you say. He already knows that. I guess you and Jungkook are really too that point, huh? Small, dull, repetitive conversation?

“How did your exams go?” He asks, chewing on his bottom lip. He’s nervous—you can sense it.

“Better than I thought,” you answer honestly.

“Hm, let me guess—you thought you did terrible but ended up getting an A,” he reads you perfectly.

“Hey! I don’t think like that,” you say even thought you know that is a fat lie.

“Come on Y/N, you’ve been that way since we were fourteen. Lying sends you to hell you know,” he raises an eyebrow at you and you look away from him to suppress your laugh.

“Fine. I got a 94 on one of them, I don’t know about the other one yet,” you tell him.

“See, you’re a genius,” he says and you shake your head.

“Most definitely not,” you say.

“I was always so envious of you growing up, you just sat there in school and you just… got it,” he says remembering back to your younger days, “All of us were jealous of you,” he adds.

“I can guarantee nobody was jealous of me Jungkook,” you give him a grimace, “We all were stupid in our own ways, maybe you more than anyone else,” you decide to pick on him since you’re feeling more relaxed as the conversation keeps going.

“Hey, no need to shit on me like that,” he gives you a pout.

Your phone suddenly vibrates against the table. It’s probably Jennie, you think to yourself as you flip the phone over. To your surprise, it’s not Jennie—It’s Namjoon.

[7:28 PM Kim Namjoon] hope you had a good day

[7:29 PM Kim Namjoon] mine would be a lot better if you were sitting on my cock right now

Your eyes widen and you flip the phone back over with a slam to the table. Jungkook looks at you curiously.

“Whose that?” He asks.

You want to lie, but Jungkook can tell when you’re lying. “Just Namjoon,” you tell him, “He was asking about some homework.”

Jungkook nods slowly before chewing on his bottom lip again, “You and hyung are good friends?”

Your face drops and you don’t say anything.

“I’m just asking since I’ve seen you guys together at our parties,” he adds while clearing his throat.

“Yeah, we’re friends,” is all that comes from your mouth. Jungkook’s eyes are hard to read but you can tell he knows you’re not saying what you’re actually thinking. What he wants you to do is be honest with him and tell him that yeah, you and Namjoon fuck from time to time, but of course, he doesn’t get that answer.

About twenty minutes later, Kyla is bringing your food.Your stomach growls as the scent of the food comes into your nostrils. The two of you begin eating, keeping some small talk between the two of you.

“Are you still a business major?” You ask him as you chow down on your French fries loaded with ketchup.

Jungkook scrunches his face up, “Hell no,” he shakes his head.

You stop your chewing momentarily, “Oh,” is all you can muster. “I’m sure that went over well with your father.”

Jungkook gives you a short glance, a smirk across his face, “It went as well as you can imagine.”

Growing up, Jungkook was expected to go to college, get a business degree of some kind and him and his older brother were to takeover his father’s company by the time he was 30—you would know, Jungkook would secretly complain to you about nonstop as teenagers.

“What are majoring in now?”

“Photography and film,” he answers boldly.

“Oh, wow,” you tell him, “That’s a big move.”

“I’d rather die than being forced to do something I don’t want to do, that’s no way to live life,” he munches on his burger, his eyes looking straight into yours.

“How’s Taehyung?” You ask him.

“He’s good,” he laughs a little bit, “Would you believe it if I told you he has a girlfriend?” He cocks his head slightly.

“Taehyung? And a girlfriend?” You say in disbelief. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Nope,” he chuckles, “It’s weird though, he won’t introduce me to her, hell he won’t even tell me her name.”

You furrow your eyebrows, “That is weird,” you pause, “Maybe he thinks you’ll steal her,” you smirk jokingly. 

Jungkook shakes his head, “Taehyung’s got more game than I do, trust me,” he says with a laugh. 

“I’m assuming you don’t have a girlfriend?” You ask him nervously, biting down on your bottom lip.

Jungkook stops eating and rolls his tongue on the inside of his cheek, “No, I haven’t dated anyone since Yuna really.”

The confession surprises you and you somewhat don’t believe him.

“Why not?” You press.

He shrugs, “Just haven’t found anyone I like I guess, like, really like, you know?”

You nod understandingly. Before Namjoon (whom you aren’t even dating) you had dated this guy for awhile and he was nice but you were bored as fuck in that relationship. Thankfully, you moved on from that onto better things.

Once the two of you finish your meals, Jungkook pays before you can protest and you leave the restaurant around 8:30 PM. You shove your hands into your jacket and walk along beside of Jungkook, lazily kicking rocks when you come across them.

“So, what did I do to deserve a free meal and a coffee from Jeon Jungkook in the span of two days?” You look up at him and he glances down to you quickly.

“I said I wanted to catch up, how else was I supposed to do that?” He smirks and you hit his arm playfully.

You don’t say anything so he continues.

“I don’t know, it’s just when I saw you last week working, I hadn’t seen you in so long… let alone speak to you,” he pauses, “It made me realize that I miss our friendship, I missed us…” he trails off, looking straight ahead.

“Why didn’t you reach out sooner?” You ask him seriously.

Jungkook hesitates some, “You could have reached out too, the phone works both ways” his words are unexpected, harsh. And they somewhat hurt.

You don’t say anything again, feeling a sting in your chest.

“I didn’t mean it like that Y/N,” Jungkook say, stopping his path to stand in front of you, “It’s just… we haven’t spoken in so long. I feel like you’re a completely different person ever since we got here to university. I don’t know what happened—“

“You don’t know what happened?” Your tone is sharp. “Are you stupid Jungkook?”

He looks taken aback, “W-what?”

“When we were eighteen and you fucking kissed me that’s what happened and that’s when shit changed Jungkook, don’t act like you don’t know,” you sound angry to which, you are. Talking about this gets you riled up.

Jungkook lowers his head, “We should have talked about that, I know but—“

“But what Jungkook? It ruined our friendship and you know it.”

“I ruined it?” He now sounds pissed off. “What ruined our friendship was you acting like I didn’t exist once we got here to college. You blew me off and blew me off time and time again,” he runs a hand through his hair, “I tried to maintain this friendship and you know it. If that stupid, fucking, drunken kiss bothered you that bad, you should have been a big girl and told me.”

You feel frustrated and you feel tears are threatening to spill out of you. You want to comeback with something, but you know he’s right. He did try and you were the one to put distance between you both.

“I-I,” you start but no words come out. “I’m sorry Jungkook. It’s just when we got here, things got more complicated and more stressful, and I couldn’t afford distractions—“

“So I’m a distraction now?”

“What? No, no, I didn’t mean it like that,” you shake your head in protest.

“So, hanging out at fraternity houses every weekend, getting hammered with Jennie every weekend, smoking pot once in awhile, and fucking Namjoon isn’t a distraction? But your best friend of fourteen years is a distraction?” Jungkook’s words come out in a frenzy and you feel slightly attacked.

“Excuse me what? Jungkook no—“ you stop yourself from speaking. You know he’s right but that doesn’t give him a right to attack you like that. “So, what’s your excuse then for not being the bigger person than, huh? Getting sucked off too many times in a bathroom and you realized you don’t need my attention anymore? Huh?”

Jungkook’s eyes darken and you can tell he’s pissed off.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He asks you.

“Jungkook, you’re my oldest friend—“

“You don’t treat me like it—“

“Well neither do you,” you back go back and forth with each other. You’re frustrated. Angry. Sad.

Jungkook is fighting a battle in his head. “I’m sorry okay,” he says, “I think we both can admit we’ve acted shitty to each other.”

You look away from him staring aimlessly at your lap, “I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Neither should have I,” he says. “I just wish you had told me about that stupid kiss, we could have talked through it Y/N. I wasn’t thinking back then.”

“Why did you kiss me?”

Jungkook’s eyes look panicked and he scratches the back of his neck.

“I had a stupid little crush on you at the time okay? And alcohol doesn’t help, it only intensified my feelings.”

“What?” Your mouth drops agape at the confession.

“I know, stupid right,” he shakes his head, “Fuck I wished we had discussed this sooner because this is so embarrassing,” he laughs while shaking his head.

You’re in disbelief. Jungkook liked you? How did you not know? It makes your insides tingle at the thought, but you know you shouldn’t get excited so you drown out the feeling deep within you. 

“Well, that was years ago,” you tell him, “All we can do now is look ahead,” your breath is uneven and shaky.

“You’re right,” he mutters, “I really am sorry Y/N, I-I just want you as a friend again—“

“I forgive you Jungkook. And I’m sorry too.”

What Jungkook does next is unexpected but all too familiar. He grabs your chin and squeezes it in his hand. You swat him away with a laugh as he pulls you in by an arm. You oblige his movements and rest your head on his shoulder as the two of you keep walking. There’s something oddly intimate about this gesture. And the whole atmosphere has changed but you like it—it feels… like home.

“Can I ask you something?” You mumble.

“You just did,” he laughs and his chest rumbles underneath you.

“Shut the fuck up,” you lean up from him with a smile, “Namjoon said you talk about me a lot…?” You trail off your question. You could be sneaky if you really wanted to be.

“He did?” Jungkook panics. Fucking Namjoon, he thinks to himself. “W-what did he say?” He stumbles on his words.

“Just stuff,” you respond hesitantly, “He may or may not have said that you called me hot.” Jungkook freezes beside of you.

“Fucking hell, I’m gonna kill hyung,” he mutters underneath his breath, “Look I’m sorry okay—I was really drunk and I saw you at one of our parties in this short ass dress and fuck, yeah I said you were hot—I’m sorry okay? I know that’s so fucking weird jeez, I’m sorry—“

“Jungkook it’s fine,” you laugh interrupting his rambling. “It’s not weird, I just wanted to know whether or not Namjoon was feeding me shit.”

“You don’t think it’s weird?” He asks and you can sense that he is very embarrassed. “I told you, I’m not good with my alcohol.”

You shake your head, “I mean, you’re pretty hot too if I say so myself,” the words tumble from your mouth and you actually want to crawl in a hole and die. Did you just say that?! Jungkook looks at you as you turn your face away from him. Fuck, he thinks to himself. He glances down your body and notices the cleavage coming through your dress and the way you hair is pulled to one side. Fuck, he thinks again, yeah, stupid little crush three years ago my ass.

“Can I tell you something?” His voice his quiet, serious.

“Of course,” you look up at him with a concern face.

“You can’t tell anyone—not even Jennie,” he says, his voice low. You give him a confused look, but nod anyways.

“What’s wrong?” You ask him. He bits at his lip, feeling uneasy.

He takes in a deep breath before exhaling, “When I changed my major a few months back, my parents threatened to cut me off—“

“Whoa, what?”

“And they’re still threatening to if I don’t get my shit straight.”

“Jungkook, I don’t get what you’re saying? Have you done something?” You ask him, feeling already too uneasy about where this conversation is going.

“No, I haven’t done anything—that’s the problem. I haven’t proved to them that I’m worthy for them to keep paying for my school. I haven’t proved to them that I can get a job somewhere. My grades aren’t proving anything to them.”

“What are you gonna do if they cut you off? You can’t pay for this shit-hole by yourself—they know that.” You notice the way his jaw is grinding and his breathing is shaking.

“Please don’t get mad at me,” he mumbles quietly. Oh god. “Recently I started taking up, um… boxing,” he says, unsure of his words.

“…Okay?” You say slowly.

“I’ve been fighting, like underground fighting,” you almost don’t hear him, but then you do, and you want to laugh in his face—but he’s being serious.

“Fighting? Jungkook what the fuck?!” You push yourself away from the comfort of his side, “Are you crazy?!”

“I’m getting paid for the fights—if I win at least,” he tries to sound reasonable but to you, you want to scream at him in anger.

“Jungkook, are you fucking kidding me? You’re fighting? Instead of finding a real job?”

“Y/N you don’t understand—I make thousands of dollars for one fight—it’s my best chance right now.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” you shake your head, pulling your hands through your hair in frustration, you cannot believe this man right now.

“What are you going to do about school then? Huh?” You press him.

“I-I was hoping you would help me, at least try to tutor me,” he says hesitantly and your stomach drops. You don’t say anything for a moment, unsure if you want to scream or cry at him.

“So this is the reason why you wanted to rekindle our friendship, so I could be your fucking tutor?”

“What no—“

“Are you fucking kidding me Jungkook? I cannot believe you right now,” your voice is getting louder by the minute. You start to walk away from him back to your apartment by yourself, unable to even look at him right now.

“Wait—no, please Y/N,” Jungkook runs to you, grabbing your hand and pulls you back to him, “I know this is all bad timing but I really did miss having you as a friend and you’re the only person, I could tell this to, at least for now,” he quickly explains.

“What, so you want me to help you through school while you get the shit knocked out of you for money?” You ask him, “Jungkook I don’t want to see you go through that, you have to find another option,” your eyes are pleading with him. His grip moves from your hand to your waist which causes your heart to race irregularly.

“Y/N, please I know it’s not the best but it really is my best option. I need someone there for me and I need that person to be you,” his face is too close for comfort and you back away from him a few inches.

“Jungkook, I don’t know,” you shake your head.

“Please, Y/N, I’m begging you,” he says again.

“Have you told anyone?” You ask him.

“Aside from you, only Taehyung knows—and Yoongi, he was the one to introduce me to it.” Yoongi—a name you’re not familiar with.

“Fucking hell Jungkook,” you lean your head back, trying to contain your emotions.

“Please you can’t tell anyone Y/N, I can get in serious trouble by obtaining money this way.”

“Yeah because it’s fucking illegal,” you spit at him. You find his hand to grip a little too tightly and you want to scream at Jungkook. How could he be so stupid? And how were you going to let him be so stupid?

“I’ll help you with school Jungkook, but the fighting… I don’t know,” you tell him, “You know I’m not going to be okay with that.”

“If you makes you feel any better, I haven’t lost. The most I’ve walked away with is a few scraps and bruises on my arms,” he tries to lighten up your mood but it doesn’t work. “I promise I won’t get hurt, I know what I’m doing,” he nudges you trying to loosen you up some. He hands end up grabbing yours, intertwining them tightly.

“Don’t make me promises you can’t keep Jungkook,” you tell him and his face falls again. Both of you look at your intertwined hands. “At least promise me you’ll be careful,” you plead him.

“Of course. I promise,” he says giving your hand a squeeze. Without warning, he pulls you into a tight embrace, his arms wrapping around your waist tightly. Your hands snake up against his neck and pull him close to you as well.

His scent is all too familiar and it scares you that you’ve missed out on him growing into the handsome adult he is now. And now, you have to fear for his wellbeing. Fuck. Jungkook pulls away from you and your faces meet a little too close for comfort. His nose brushes against yours, his eyes burning holes into you.

“I’d trust you with my life Y/N,” he speaks again, “And I’m trusting you with this.”

Your breath hitches as his nose brushes yours again. Fuck, you think to yourself. You bite your lip, knowing that you wold absolutely die for this boy and it takes all of you to grip his shirt and push him away from you. You feel less suffocated once your space is empty and Jungkook’s hand stays in yours as he walks you home. It’s a good thing, you think, that you’ve had a stupid little crush on him too or you would most definitely not do this shit for him.

_____

“So,” Jennie says slowly, “How was it?”

You hadn’t even walked into your apartment five feet before Jennie is rushing questions onto you.

“Um,” you pause, taking the time to take off your shoes, “It went... well,” you say, unsure of your words. Did it go well? You weren’t sure considering the two of you were in an argument nearly the whole way home.

“Well?” Jennie asks, curiosity dripping in her tone, “I need more details than that. What’d you do? What did you guys talk about?”

“Um, we just kind of caught up on things,” you knew you had to tread your words lightly. “It felt pretty normal.” You add at the last second, giving her a weak smile. She narrows her eyes at you.

“That’s it?” She somewhat frowned.

“What did you want me to say?” You give her a laugh as you begin to walk back towards your room and undress into your sleepwear. She follows your footsteps closely.

“I don’t know! I was just expecting more, more from you! You seem awfully quiet,” she says plopping down on your bed that she is oh-so accustomed to.

You look through your drawers and pull out a big t-shirt and slip it over your head. You turn to Jennie and give her another pathetic attempt of a smile.

“It’s just weird okay,” you tell her, climbing onto your bed with her, “This was the first time we’ve actually hung out by ourselves in years and I don’t know, it was good, like we picked up where we left off you know?” You knew that was a complete lie but you needed to get Jennie off your case or you were afraid you would let your worries slip.

She lets out a sigh, “I guess so. I do think about high school sometimes and we really had it good… the four of us,” she smiles fondly thinking back to simpler times.

“Yeah… we did,” you agree staring up at your ceiling.

“How’s Taehyung by the way? Did Jungkook mention him?”

You give a glance at Jennie and she’s looking at her overgrown nails. “He’s good, Jungkook said he had a girlfriend which surprised me.”

“Hm,” Jennie shrugged, “Interesting.”

You furrowed your eyebrows while looking at her. “Interesting?” You found her answer odd but she brushes it off.

“Yeah, well I have homework to do that isn’t gonna do itself unfortunately,” she stands up from your bed, “See you in the morning, goodnight.” She throws you a quick wink before she leaves, shutting your bedroom door behind of her.

You let out a sigh of relief when she leaves. As happy as you were that you and Jungkook reconnected some tonight, the uneasiness in the pit of your stomach was keeping you from focusing on the good. You couldn’t believe what Jungkook had gotten himself into. Boxing? For money? You knew Jungkook never had much common sense but this takes it to another level. You now knew one of his deepest secrets and not only could that seriously backfire on you if something went wrong. He said he trusted you with his fucking life for Christ’s sake. Who says that to someone they’ve barely spoken to in two years? Someone who is desperate, you think.

You grab a book from your nightstand for one of your classes and flip to your last read page, trying to rid your mind of Jungkook getting the shit beat out of him. And as much as you read your book and your eyelids fall sleepy, you manage to barely sleep that night, as images of your old friend are burned into your brain.

_____

It wasn’t long after your first meetup with Jungkook that he started asking for tutoring help. Jungkook knew your schedule was busy and he didn’t want to pressure you into anything, but the more you were around Jungkook, the more desperate you were to help him. You have known him for so long and despite all your differences, he truly was and will always be one of your best friends. And best friends helped each other. Right?

“Hey—sorry I’m late,” you meet Jungkook in the back of the fourth floor of the library after your last class of the day. “I had a question about my lecture—“

“Y/N it’s fine,” Jungkook says softly, not looking up from his paper, “Don’t worry about it.”

You set down beside of him and begin to take your belongings out of your backpack and you notice Jungkook has already begun some work himself.

“How was classes today?” You ask him opening up your laptop. You give him a glance and he’s focused on the problem in front of him.

“It was alright, I slept through my first one at ten—“

“What’s that?” You ask as you let your eyes focus a little too close on his face. A cut lined across his jaw and up towards his left ear and you felt yourself begin to panic.  “Jungkook what—“

“Don’t worry about it,” he’s being cold and distant and you don’t like it. You look down his arms and onto his hands and notice some cuts and bruises there too. That’s when it hits you.

“Jungkook did you have a fight recently?” You keep your voice low so no one else could hear. He visibly tenses up beside of you and he adjusts his beanie on his to try and cover his ear area.

“Yeah,” he says simply, his eyes not looking at you one time, still focusing on the paper ahead.

“Jungkook,” your tone is deep and not happy, but you suppose there isn’t much you can do in this situation. Curiosity got the best of you and you ask, “What happened?”

“Let’s not talk about that okay?” He turns to you fully and you inwardly gasp, seeing that his right eye is half blacked behind his glasses. You feel sick to your stomach and your mouth parts. Again, you don’t say anything and just give him a nod.

The rest of the tutoring session with him goes smoothly and Jungkook has significantly picked up his understanding of his classes in a short amount of time, but in the back of your mind you wanted to scream. Scream at him. How could he be doing this to himself? He first told you he was fine. He sure doesn’t look fine. It’s getting close to 7 o’clock when you tell him you have to go get ready for your shift at the diner in an hour.

“We can pick up again whenever you need to,” you tell, “And text me if you have any questions.”

“What are you doing this weekend?” Jungkook completely ignores your sentences and you turn to him, trying not to stare at the faint of blue under his eye.

“Um, I have another shift tomorrow that starts at 7,” you tell him.

“Can you get off?” He asks almost nervously as the two of you begin to leave the library.

You chuckle, “Probably not, why?”

“Well, Taehyung and I are having a small get together at our apartment and I wanted to know if you and Jennie wanted to come?”

He sounds genuine and you know it could be fun and a little different from the chaotic frat scene that you’re used to.

“Sure, I’m sure Jennie will be down,” you give him a smile to which he returns one for the first time tonight. “If I can’t get off work I’ll just come after my shift.”

“Sounds good,” he says and you are about to part ways before he grabs your arm to stop you, “Thanks again Y/N, for helping me out,” there’s a glimmer in his eyes.

“No problem, it’s what a friend would do right?” You give him your best smile although it feels weird saying that. His face drops in the slightest way.

“Yeah…” he trails off, his hand trailing down your arm before letting go, “See you soon?”

You give him a nod, “See you soon.”

_____

Your shift at the diner tonight was being particularly slow for a Tuesday and you found yourself aimlessly making lattes for yourself every thirty minutes. You were slightly jacked from the caffeine but you knew you would need it once you went home to finish off the load of your homework for the night. Bedtime as of right now was looking to be 3 AM, possibly 4. Mark is once again working with you tonight which makes it all the more bearable, but the more you stand behind the counter, sipping your coffee, the more you realize you do not want to waste tomorrow night working.

“Hey, Mark,” you say and he looks up from his book.

“What’s up?” He asks, his eyes focussing on you.

“Would you care…. to possibly… take my shifts this weekend?” You ask slowly, dancing around the topic. His eyebrows furrow and you could tell that is not what he wanted to hear from you.

“I mean… I don’t care to, but can I ask why?”

Shit. You couldn’t say it was to go to a small party. That would be an automatic no.

“Well, I’ve been tutoring someone recently and it's taken away from my own study time, so I really need all weekend to catch up on all my shit,” you say smoothly. Not a complete lie, but he didn’t need to know you would be catching up on your “shit” tonight and not this weekend.

“Yeah, sure whatever,” he waves his hand off, “Just be sure to tell our manager before you leave.”

“Right… thanks Mark.”

“That means you owe me a shift in the future,” he says pointedly.

“Yeah, yeah, read your fucking book.”

_____

Friday was a blur. You went to sleep around 3:45 AM. Had to wake up at 7 AM for your 8 AM lecture, dragged your feet to your other classes, barely had time to eat anything, only consuming coffee to suppress your appetite in the afternoon, and now that you were home you couldn’t wait to lay in your bed for a few hours.

Jennie didn’t have classes on Friday’s—fuck her—so she had been chilling all day when you burst through the door exhausted.

“You look horrible,” she said as soon as you flopped down on the couch beside of her.

“You don’t have to tell me that,” you groan covering your eyes.

“Well you better get rested up before tonight,” she says.

“What’s tonight?” You mumble, nearly drifting off to sleep right then and there.

“Jungkook invited us to his apartment, that’s what you said last night,” she gave you a funny look before shaking her head.

Shit. You had forgotten about that throughout your drowsy state all day.

“Yeah, right,” you pause, looking at her through the crack of your arm, “Wake me up at 7 to get ready.” You stand up planning on taking the fattest nap of your life.

“I-I captain!” Jennie says sarcastically and it’s the last thing you hear before passing out on your bed, not even bothering to put a blanket over you.

_____

Jungkook and Taehyung’s apartment isn’t far from yours. You wouldn’t say the exterior is nicer than yours, but the abundance of buildings shows that their community is much larger than the one you and Jennie share.

“This is right?” Jennie asks as you knock on the door heavily.

“Yeah,” you say, faintly hearing music from the other side of the door.

The door swings open and to your surprise, it’s Taehyung.

“Jennie, Y/N!” He smiles widely at the two of you before ushering you in. “It’s been wayyyy too long! You guys want a drink?”

You take a second to look around their apartment, not seeing Jungkook anywhere. There’s about two dozen people here, some playing pong, others sitting around the living area. You knew Taehyung was feeling a little drunk despite it being only 9 from the way he grabs a couple cups, the entire tower of them falling over.

“How have you guys been?!” Taehyung pours some cheap tequila into your red solo cups and hands them over.

“Good, what about you?” Jennie smiles to him and Taehyung pours another shot for himself.

“Fucking great,” he says before putting his cup out. The three of you bump cups and down the tequila, a familiar burn hitting you instantly. It’s oddly reminiscent, the three of you drinking alcohol like there are no problems with the world.

“Where’s Jungkook?” You ask, giving another glance around the apartment, only recognizing some of his frat brothers, but him still not to be found.

“He went to get more alcohol and some other things,” Taehyung says, pouring another shot for the two of you. “I heard the two of you finally got over your bullshit?”

You furrow your eyebrows and Jennie laughs. “W-what?” You have to laugh too, “Bullshit?”

“You know, how the two of you acted like neither of you existed? God it was so annoying hearing that little bitch talk about you constantly,” he rolls his eyes dramatically and Jennie eyes you suspiciously.

“Uh, yeah—“ you were unsure of what to say, “Heard you have a girlfriend now?” You change the subject quickly and Jennie raises her eyebrows at Taehyung.

“Really?” Jennie says almost passively. Taehyung doesn’t glance at you, only looking to Jennie.

“Yeah,” he says, ���C’mon, drink your shit. The night is young and you guys need to catch up!”

“Or you need to slow down?” You offer and only giggles again. You down another shot and at this pace, you’ll be passed out by 11, Jennie by 10. You’ve always handle your alcohol better than her, but a shot every two minutes will do anyone in.

The three of you talk aimlessly, somewhat of an unresolved tension between Jennie and Taehyung that is impossible to avoid until you get some more alcohol in you. You’re about four shots of Jose Cuervo in and sipping on some type of seltzer when your phone buzzes in your hand.

[9:46 PM Namjoon] hey, wrud tonight

[9:46 PM You] at a friend’s place tonight, wbu

Your eyes are having trouble to focus as the alcohol begins to settle in your system. You remember vividly how you barely had any food today and you know you should stop drinking otherwise you might puke everywhere.

[9:48 PM Namjoon] damn, missing you. I believe you still owe me a rain check

You laugh at your phone.

[9:48 PM You] soon, I promise lol

“Jungkook! Fuck yes my brother!”

You instantly look up from your phone and see Jungkook walking through the front door, a case of beer in one hand and a brown bag in the other. He smiles as he sets down the case and bag of liquor as his brothers crowd around him to grab a can.

Do you go up to him? Yes, are you, stupid? But shouldn’t he look for you? What are you twelve?

Your internal monologue is interrupted when Taehyung pulls you over to Jungkook with a small push.  

“Hey Y/N,” Jungkook smiles, grabbing a beer for himself. He’s wearing a hat to cover his forehead.

“Hi,” you smile and he gives you a small, somewhat awkward hug.

“Glad you could make it,” he says, the bruises on his face from the other day already looking a lot better.

“I was not going to spend my Friday night at the restaurant,” you laugh, trying intensely to focus on his face and not zone in and out as you tend to do drunkenly.

“Jennie here?” He asks.

“Yeah, she’s uh,” you pause, actually not knowing where she went. “Oh, she’s playing pong with Taehyung.”

“Come on then,” he reaches out his hand, “Let’s play with them.”

“Jungkook I’m terrible, you know that—“

“I never said you were good, but for old times sake?” His brown eyes bore into yours and you give in, nodding your head and settling your hand into his. His hands are warm—always have been. Slightly rough and calloused but smooth—what the fuck, stop it!

The four of you, girls verses boys, start a new game of pong and you’re sure Jennie is just as bad as you. That’s evident when Jungkook and Taehyung lob four in, one after another. You’re lucky you get one in their cups. Jennie, too drunk at this point, can’t even throw straight. The whole sight is very funny as the four of you laugh like you’re the only ones in the room.

“Come on Y/N!” Taehyung yells, “I knew you were ass but really?!”

“Me! What about her!” You defend yourself as Jennie throws a ball at Jungkook’s head.

“At least Y/N can aim!” Jungkook laughs, defending you as well, rubbing his head from the plastic impact.

The game ends with Jungkook calling island and you don’t even care at this point. Pong was and never will be your favorite. Flip cup was your speciality and even Taehyung knew that. You find yourself sitting with Jungkook on their couch, legs tucked underneath you, watching at Taehyung and Jennie take on another round of pong with Jackson—a fraternity brother—and his long time girlfriend—Mina, maybe?

“Are you even drunk right now?” You deadpan Jungkook with your eyes and he gives you a small smile.

“Nah,” he says, “You are though,” he says pointedly drinking from his beer.

“Hey—“ you point, “Only a little,” you whisper close to his ear and he laughs at you again. “You sir, need to drink.”

Jungkook shakes his head before standing up, your eyes following up his jeans to his t-shirt clad chest. Has he always looked like this? You grab onto his extended hand and he leads you away from everyone and your heart rate quickens. Where are you going? What’s he doing?

To your relief, he takes to the small outside balcony, sliding the door nearly closed as you step out. There’s two other people out here smoking cigarettes that greet you and Jungkook curiously. You have seen these boys before, but you know they don’t recognize you. They obviously think you’re some random girl Jungkook has invited but—if they only knew.

The fresh air feels nice, but you can feel a chill running down your spine and you watch Jungkook’s frame go to a dark corner of the balcony, bending down to pick something off the ground.

“What are you doing?” You ask him and he turns back to you and you send some interesting paraphernalia in his hands.

“Not in a drinking mood tonight,” he says, his eyes leaving yours before focusing on the small glass bowl in his hands. He starts to pack it and you’re watching his every move closely. You never knew Jungkook to be a stoner, but the way he packs it quickly and begins to light it, tells you otherwise. He inhales through the end of the bowl deeply, exhaling once, before quickly taking another hit.

“Goddamn,” you laugh and he starts to cough a little bit, a small laugh coming from him.

Jungkook begins to walk back to the corner before you grab his shirt to pull him back.

“You heard of sharing is caring?” You say and he shakes his head.

“No, you’re drunk, you don’t need—“

“I want too,” you say. You hadn’t smoked in awhile, but you knew you could trust Jungkook. “Come on, I’m fine.”

Jungkook hesitates a little before he holds out the bowl. You take it and hold is securely between your lips. He lights the underside and you inhale deeply. The balcony begins to smell like weed, but it doesn’t bother you, it never has. You exhale and give him a small smile. He puts the illegal substances away and stands beside of you on the balcony.

“Alright, that will be five dollars,” he says and you turn to him, your mouth agape.

“Five dollars a hit? Kiss my ass,” you say and you suddenly begin to feel the effects of the marijuana, which makes you giggle a little too long.

“How was your day?” Jungkook asks you and you nearly feel like you could fall asleep.

“Exhausting,” you mumble, “I got like four hours of sleep last night and one of my professors had the audacity to tell me that my answer was wrong on my homework when literally five other people had the same answer and got it right. And then I had coffee as my meals and had a busting headache until I took the longest nap of my fucking life—“

“Slow down,” Jungkook interjects with a laugh, “Too much information that I’m not processing right now.”

You let out an “ugh” before saying, “I’ve had better days for sure.” You leave it at that. “What about you?”

He smiles before turning to you completely, “I’ve had better days, better weeks for sure.” He almost sounds annoyed now, like something is deeply bothering him.

You let a pause presume between the two of you, unsure of what to say. You know you shouldn’t bring it up, but you can’t help it. The bruises on his face, the cuts on his hands—you needed to know what happened to him. Despite your intoxicated state, you could form sentences and think pretty clearly and you weren’t letting Jungkook out of your sight without explaining himself.

“Jungkook,” you say in a whisper, looking around to see if the other guys had left. They had. “Are you gonna tell me what happened to your face?”

He looks down, almost embarrassed. “There was a fight on Tuesday,” he stops when you furrow your eyebrows at him.

“Tuesday?!” You half whisper, “What the hell are you doing fighting on a Tuesday? Jungkook you said—“

“It wasn’t an official fight Y/N,” he interrupts you, “I was fucking jumped with one of my friends,” he says and your eyes widen. You feel your head spinning and your mouth goes dry. From the weed, alcohol, or the conversation? You’re not sure.

“What?” You ask, worry filling your tone, “Jungkook what the fuck! You said you had this under control.”

“Keep your voice down!” He scolds, “I do have it under control, although you can’t really control when you get jumped.”

“W-why? Who would want—“

“His name is Eric. I beat him at the last real fight and I guess he’s a sore fucking loser. He wants a rematch and everything, said he was injured before the fight, so he sent some pussies to jump my friend Jimin and I.”

The information being taken in wasn’t something you wanted to hear. Was this stupid underground boxing that serious? And how stupid could Jungkook be to continue to do this?

“Well you’re not gonna fight him again,” you pause. He doesn’t look at you. “Are you?”

“There’s a lot of money on the line,” he says.

“Jungkook you’ve got to be joking.”

“I’m not Y/N,” he turns to you again, his body now closer than before. His knuckles gripping the railing are pale and cracked. “If I win this fight, I won’t need anymore money before the end of the year. Hell, I’ll probably even have some left over.”

“Okay? And?”

“Then I can be done with fighting,” he sounds genuine but insincere  at the same time. This greatly improves your posture and you feel your heartbeat calming down.

“B-but I figured you would need more money? Your parents Jungkook?” You stumble over some of your words.

“Y/N you don’t understand the money within these things, it’s insane. Trust me, I’ll be set with money for awhile. I just have to win that fight…”

You want to protest him. Tell him he shouldn’t do it, that he should find a normal job, get away from that stuff—but you stay silent. Jungkook always will be as stubborn as you and he seems to have made up his mind about this fighting stuff awhile ago. At the end of the day, whatever happens to him, isn’t necessarily your business.

“You know I’ll never agree with this,” you shake your head, looking down at Jungkook’s hands. They’ve relaxed against the railing and time has slowed down significantly. Every blink of your eyes seem to last 5 seconds and Jungkook could say the same thing.

“I know,” Jungkook steps towards you, overlapping one of his hands with yours, “But like I said, I trust you and you should trust me,” he almost sounds desperate. “Look at me,” he whispers and you slowly turn your head up. Your noses are nearly touching and you can smell him, your vision clouding in the dark.

“Do you trust me?” He asks quietly, licking his lips and you swallow, trying to find your breath.

You nod your head slowly, “Yes.”

You don’t know who leans in first, but when your lips meet, it’s like a siren goes off. The scene feels all too familiar. His lips are soft and they feel just like you remember. He’s gentle with you, his left hand holding your waist to pull you towards him, your bodies flush together. One of your hands finds their way to his hair and you pull him down closer to you. This feels good, really good—but isn’t this wrong? You two have just rekindled your relationship and you two didn’t even last four weeks before you two are snogging—the very reason your friendship became weird in the first place all those years ago.

You try to pull away, “Jungkook—“ he closes the gap once again and it’s like a drug—touch is like heroin in your veins. Both of you are hungry—hungry for each other. You’re not sure when, but you find yourself backed into the wall of the dark-side of the balcony. The door isn’t in view so anyone inside couldn’t see what was going on right now thank god.

“Y/N,” the groan sends your body into overdrive and he begins to trail his lips down your neck and you’ve pulled him so close to you there is barely room to breathe. It’s gotta be the alcohol—or the weed—or just Jungkook—but you’ve never wanted anyone more in your life. You squeeze your thighs together to find some unrelieved friction and Jungkook senses what you’re doing. He stops you, forcing is own leg between your crotch and you subtly moan.

“Fuck, shh,” Jungkook scolds and it makes you laugh as you check if anyone is coming to the door.

“Jungkook,” you whisper and he closes the gap between you again, covering your mouth gently and you genuinely feel butterflies in your stomach. Jungkook’s hand trails from your waist down to the front of you jeans and you pull away suddenly, “Jungkook w-what are you doing?!”

“Do you want me to do this?” He sounds mischievous as he pops open the button to your pants and you can safely say you never thought you would be in this situation with Jeon Jungkook of all people, but you are not about to stop him.

You kiss him this time, pulling on his hair, eliciting another delicious groan from him. His hand makes it way to your center and you shiver in the cold, his hands warm against your underwear. He rubs you through the material, once, twice, three times before he moves aside the fabric—the wetness covering his fingers instantly. You look towards the door again nervous that someone might walk out here and see the two of you compromised—you would die. Especially if it was Taehyung or Jennie.

“Quiet, alright?” Jungkook whispers and you nod biting your lip as he enters a finger into you. You close your eyes, mouth falling open. Your breathing picks up as he enters a second digit. His fingers are long and calloused as you noticed before but it feels so good. He brings one of your legs around his waist so he can get deeper into your center and a small, squeaky moan escapes from your mouth. Jungkook shuts you up by kissing you again and he begins to move his fingers in and out, curling them in all the right places, sending you into a silent mess.

You and Jungkook shouldn’t be doing this—not here, not right now, not ever. But you’re not doing anything to stop it. Neither is he. Is this suppose to be happening then? No—definitely yes. Wait, what? Your brain is so foggy you can’t even think straight.

Jungkook has added a third finger and it’s becoming harder and harder to stay quiet. Jungkook’s face in the crook of your neck, your neck in his—it’s all a little too intimate but it’s hot and heavy and it feels so good. Jungkook begins to use his thumb to find your clit, which he does with no problem—rubbing there and still moving in and out of you. Goddamn, he knows what he is doing.

“Jungkook, I’m gonna—“

“Shh,” he says, “Bite me, anywhere,” he says and you do as he says, your teeth clamping down onto his shoulder as you feel yourself falling off the edge. Your orgasm comes in a huge wave and it’s one of the best you’ve had in a long time—your body is shaking and you whimper into his shoulder, trying to keep as quiet as possible. Jungkook lets you finish before he pulls his hand out of your pants, letting your leg drop. You two stare at each other for a couple seconds, unsure of what to do now. You knew that Jungkook was hard in his pants but you weren’t sure if he wanted you to do anything about it. Should you ask? No that’s fucking weird. Well it’s fucking weird you just let your best friend of a billion years to give you one of the best orgasms of your life.

“Um,” he speaks first, “We should go back inside,” he says.

You nod, “Yeah, we should.”

You follow closely behind him as he slides the door open and you step back into the much warmer apartment.

“Y/N! Jungkook! What were you guys doing?!” Jennie pops out of nowhere until she steps back, “Fuck never mind, I can smell it,” she laughs, her eyes looking between the two of you. “What’s wrong with you two? Are you fighting again? Jesus fucking—“

“No, we’re fine, just high,” Jungkook gives her a reassuring smile and she nods absentmindedly. She is very drunk and then two of you might have to go home sooner than later.

“I need to call an Uber,” you say grabbing your phone from your pocket.

“I can drive you guys if you want,” Jungkook offers and you narrow your eyes at him.

“Absolutely not, you’re high.” You say pulling up the app on your phone.

“I’ve driven high before it’s not—“

“Jungkook, no,” you somewhat snap at him. This kid really knows how to grind your gears. “Thanks for inviting us, I just don’t want Jennie to do something she regrets tomorrow morning.” You try your best to lighten to mood but it’s not helping. As much progress as you and Jungkook had made the past few weeks, that all feels gone now. There’s heaviness with you and him and you hate it.

“Just let me know when you make it home?” Jungkook’s eyes are hard to read. He looks worried, anxious, high obviously, and other potential obscurities.

“I will, I promise,” you give him a smile and he returns one weakly. You look over your shoulder to find Jennie practically draping herself all over Taehyung. Fuck. “Jennie! Come on! We’re leaving,” you stomp over to the two of them and Taehyung doesn’t seemed bothered by Jennie throwing herself at him at all. If anything, they both seem to like it. “Jennie, quit, he has a girlfriend. Taehyung, you have a girlfriend,” you narrow at the both of them.

Taehyung laughs very drunkenly, “You’re right, come on Jen,” Taehyung pushes her away slightly and she stumbles over her feet.

“Our Uber is almost here,” you tell her and she nods.

“Sounds good,” she gives you a thumbs up. 

“Help me walk her Tae?” You ask and he nods.

As you and Taehyung have Jennie up around your shoulders, you look around the apartment to find Jungkook to tell him bye, but he’s nowhere to be seen.

_____

It had been exactly one week since you’ve seen Jungkook. Since he was fist deep into your vagina, pleasuring you with at least 20 people in the room next to you. It has also been the last time you spoke to him. He didn’t reach out for any tutoring this week which was odd—as the two of you set a schedule for it a few weeks back. You were worried. You knew you should reach out to him and talk about what happened—but something was holding you back. You didn’t want to talk over the phone. It had to be done in person and it just had to be done. You didn’t want to lose Jungkook a second time to another drunken mistake.

Mistake? Since when was it a mistake? Was it a mistake?

You had no idea.

It’s why you’ve found yourself at Jungkook’s apartment a week later, waiting for someone to open the door. You wait patiently and no one answers the door. You’re about to give up when a voice startles you.

“Y/N? What are you doing here?”

Taehyung appears to your left and you jump.

“Shit Taehyung,” you hold a hand over your chest, “I’m sorry, I-I was just wondering if Jungkook was home?”

Taehyung adjusts his backpack. He must be getting back from class. “He’s probably at the gym.”

You nod slowly, “Alright, thank you.”

“No problem,” he says and you’re about to walk away and he stops you again, “Everything okay?”

You open your mouth and close it again, “Not sure,” you tell him honestly. He nods without another word, seeming to understand where you’re coming from.

If your assumptions were right, Jungkook would be at a gym about ten minutes from campus, one he frequented as a freshman all that time ago. You wanted everything to be okay, but now, you were sure you have done fucked it up once again.

The gym isn’t crowded and you don’t recognize any cars to be Jungkook’s so your mood begins to dampen as you walk towards the front door. The bell rings and you probably look like an idiot walking in with jeans and sandals, but your eyes ignore the stares as you try to find Jungkook. You walk through the gym towards the back, your neck craning each direction to find him. It smells of sweat and grit, something you haven’t done too much of lately. You’re about to give up until you reach the back, where a cracked door leads into another section of the gym. You open the crack slowly and the sounds of grunting and hard hits fill the room. You stop in your place as your eyes land on Jungkook, downing boxing gloves, a pair of shorts, and nothing else. You gulp.

He’s hitting a heavy bag hard and fast, his movements halting only for a split second before he strikes again. He’s dripping in sweat and you gulp again. Should you interrupt? He’s definitely not expecting you therefore you probably shouldn’t barge in but you’re already here, so what are you supposed to do?

“Come on Jungkook,” another man’s voice comes into play. You’ve never seen this guy with mint colored hair. “Throw a southpaw, let’s go!” 

Jungkook’s stance quickly changes and he’s throwing his right arm and then uppercutting his left arm with all of his weight. 

“Nice Jungkook,” the voice says again. Jungkook steps back with a smile on his face, looking behind him. 

“Hey,” a different voice yells over and you stop to see who it is. A guy slightly shorter than Jungkook appears in the crack of the door, a wide smile across his face.

“Good news, fight is set,” the guy smiles, although his smile reads less than enthusiastic. You notice some bruising along this guys arms, a large scrap on the side of his face. This has to be Jimin, the other guy that was jumped with Jungkook. 

“When is it?” Jungkook breathes heavily, his hair sticking to his forehead as he tries to push it back through his gloves.

“October thirteenth,” Jimin says, “A Friday.”

Jungkook laughs, “A fucking Friday the thirteenth? How cheesy could they get?”

You swallow harshly. October 13th was a less than three weeks away. You’re sure they are talking about the fight with the guy named Eric that Jungkook mentioned.

“I know right,” the nameless guy says, “But I’m sure you’ll kick his ass once again, waste of your time.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice Jimin,” Jungkook sounds annoyed and you’re starting to wonder if you should have came here at all. 

“Come on, let’s do some more sets,” the other guy says says, patting Jungkook on the shoulder.

You take in a deep breath, hoping that this doesn’t backfire. You take your chance and open the door to the room as if you just showed up. Jungkook, Jimin, and the third guy turns to you.

“Y/N?” Jungkook asks, looking confused, “What are you doing here?”

You glance around the room awkwardly, “Uh, I-uh, went to your apartment to see you if you were a-and Taehyung said you were here, so,” you sound like a babbling idiot.

Jungkook’s eyes soften and it’s hard to not stare below his neck, but somehow you manage.

“Jimin, Yoongi this is Y/N,” Jungkook formally introduces you, “She’s a friend.” A friend. That hurt more than it should have.

“Hi,” Jimin gives you a sweet smile and he seems like a person Jungkook would automatically gravitate towards. Yoongi stays quiet. He’s definitely not someone you would strike as Jungkook’s friend. 

“Sorry if I’m interrupting—I didn’t know…” you trail off, feeling more than awkward in this situation.

“No worries,” Jimin shakes his head, “We were almost done anyways.”

Jungkook’s eyes haven’t met yours since you’ve walked in. He’s staring at Jimin and knowing Jungkook, he’s going to try and leave as soon as he can.

“Wanna meet again tomorrow?” Jimin asks towards Jungkook as he packs up his bag on the floor.

“Yeah, sure,” Jungkook mutters, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. “I’m gonna stay here for a little longer though.”

“Alright,” Jimin says, “It was nice to meet you Y/N.”

You smile to him, “You too.”

Jimin and Yoongi leave the room and the silence is suffocating. You cross your arms around your chest feeling vulnerable and insecure. You look at Jungkook and he’s staring at you now. He looks away from you before turning back to the bag, lining up to strike it again.

“Jungkook,” your voice interrupts his chance to punch. He pauses with one more glance to your frame. You begin to walk closer to him wanting to get this over and done with. “What’s wrong with you?” You ask.

Jungkook looks down, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he mutters and you nearly jump out of your body when he begins to strike the bag in quick, calculated motions. The bag moves backwards with each punch and his face tenses up, his mind clearly on one thing and one thing only. You exhale deeply, trying to stay calm. If that’s the way he’s going to play—you won’t keep your cool for long.

“Jungkook, stop,” you raise your voice over his movements and he suddenly quits, looking up at you again. “Don’t do this right now,” you say stepping closer to him again.

“What do you want Y/N, I’m busy alright,” he scoffs, stepping away from the bag, turning fully to you. You wish he didn’t look good drenched in sweat but it was hard to stay focused when he was looking like that.

“You know exactly what I want. You haven���t spoken to me in a fucking week Jungkook,” your words are fiery despite your cool demeanor.

“Is that really that big of an issue? We barely spoke for two years until recently,” he sounds annoyed, but also timid—you can sense something is bothering him.

You frown, “Yeah until recently because I thought we moved past that.”

He doesn’t say anything. And that’s what boils your blood. Tears are threatening to spill from your eyes—not from sadness, but frustration.  

“So is that it? I let you finger fuck me and now I don’t mean anything to you anymore?” Your words are seething and once you say this, Jungkook’s face softens that slightest bit.

“What? No Y/N—“

“Then what the fuck is wrong with you? What have I done?!” It takes all of you not to breakdown right there. You just got Jungkook back. You couldn’t lose him a second time.

“Y/N listen,” Jungkook takes off his boxing gloves, throwing them in the floor, “You haven’t done anything alright. It’s just—complicated,” he shakes his head, stepping closer to you. He tries to grab one of your hands but you pull away from him.

“No, no you don’t get to do that,” you say, “What happened to communicating Jungkook? Wasn’t that our issue all that time ago?”

He looks down and back up. You really wish he would put a shirt on. “I know, I know…” he wanders off, “If I could tell you I would, but I’m just under a lot of stress right now and—“

“Then tell me what’s wrong,” you don’t want to interrupt him, but you feel like you two are going in an endless circle. Jungkook steps towards you once again and this time you don’t back away from him.

“Look, I’m sorry alright. I shouldn’t have cut you off this past week—I just thought it would clear my head,” he says. With hesitation, he grabs your wrists gently, “That was stupid I get that okay? I’m sorry, especially after… what happened,” he says and you can tell he means it. Jungkook is a genuine person, you can’t argue that.

Your face warms up and you feel almost embarrassed. Were you overreacting?

“I just don’t understand,” you mutter, “I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions but Jungkook, you’re worrying me. I don’t know what’s going on with us and this whole boxing thing is keeping me awake at night.”

He intertwines your fingers together and it’s comforting. Comfort you’ve been missing ever since a week ago. “Y/N, please just trust me okay? If I can get through these next few weeks I’m set and I promise you don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

“How can you promise that?” You look up fully at him and you’re a lot closer than moments ago.

“I don’t to make promises I can’t keep.”

You sure hoped he was right.

_____

Two weeks have gone by since your talk with Jungkook in the gym. He had resumed talking to you normally, although there was still something off about him. Then again, there was something off with you too. The intimate situation the two of you found yourself in a few weeks back, still hadn’t been fully discussed and it bothered you like no other. It bothered you because you couldn’t stop thinking about it. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t want it to happen again—or even further. Fuck, you shouldn’t be thinking about Jungkook like this. But don’t you have a right to? Jesus you were so confused. It’s why you have found yourself at Beta Tau Sigma once again on a Saturday night, Jennie already lost in tow somewhere, and you’re standing with Namjoon. Even though your mind was clouded with Jungkook, Namjoon was good company at keeping you distracted.

“What’s up with you lately?” Namjoon asks handing you another drink. You furrow your brows before taking a sip. Your face scrunches up at the taste—not the best.

“What do you mean?” You ask.

Namjoon gives you a straight smile, “Don’t play stupid,” he says. You don’t even try to make up a lie. Namjoon is too smart for that.

“I don’t know, Joon,” you sigh, “I’ve just been going through a lot lately I guess,” you mutter over the loud music.

“I get it,” he says, “Wanna talk about it?”

You’re about to answer him when you suddenly spot a familiar head of dark brown hair across the room. It’s Jungkook and he’s with a girl—you recognize her from somewhere. She’s standing in front of him and he’s smirking down at her and says something that makes her laugh. Then you know where you’ve seen her before—the bathroom girl. Fuck her, you don’t even realize you roll your eyes.

Namjoon laughs, “Whoa, what was that for?” He raises an eyebrow at you.

“W-what?” You look back to him and he follows where your eyes had been.

“Looking at Jungkook, eh?” He smirks, “Something going on between you two?”

You shake your head immediately, “No. Absolutely not.”

You didn’t know if that was a lie or not. Sure, Jungkook and you may have swapped some bodily fluids recently, but nothing else. You were also keeping a secret of his, one that if Namjoon found out about—would have him kicked out of the frat faster than he could blink. You glance back over to Jungkook one more time and find his eyes scanning the room. They land on you within 5 seconds and he shifts uncomfortably in front of bathroom girl.

“You sure?” Namjoon finds this situation funny. You don’t.

“Shut up,” you push on his chest slightly and he grabs your hand, pulling you towards him.

“Oh I can make you shut up,” he mumbles and you laugh as he closes the distance between the two of you. Namjoon’s lips are always soft and plump but that doesn’t mean he is always the most gentle. Namjoon is rough and sometimes—it’s just what you need. Jungkook’s lips on—

You pull away quickly from him. What the fuck?

“You okay?” He asks with concern.

You nod your head, “Yeah, I, just uh need some air,” you say. It was true—your head was now spinning and the alcohol wasn’t helping. You couldn’t believe you thought of Jungkook when kissing Namjoon.

“Alright, I’ll be by the bar.”

You leave Namjoon’s side and push your way through the hoards of people and loud music. You spot a door towards the back of the kitchen and use that as your opportunity. The air is cool but crisp. Just what you needed. There’s quite a few people outside surrounding a large bonfire keeping warm. You relax against the porch railings, staring aimlessly at the ground beneath you. You pour your drink out, knowing you don’t need to drink anymore of it. You nearly shit yourself when a voice comes up directly behind you.

“Y/N.”

You whip around, clutching your chest. “Jesus Christ Jungkook,” you say. His hands are stuffed in the pockets of his jeans, a large flannel and sweatshirt covering his torso. He approaches you hastily and you don’t take your eyes off of his.

“I didn’t know you were coming tonight,” he says, obviously trying to make small talk.

“I didn’t either until Namjoon asked me this evening,” you say and you instantly regret bringing up his name. Jungkook stiffens.

“Still good friends with him I see,” he bites his lip nervously, looking over to the bonfire. You squint your eyes at him. He sounds off and annoyed.

“I see you’re still friends with bathroom girl,” you shoot back. You’re not even drunk, barely tipsy, but the thought of Jungkook being annoyed at you and Namjoon nearly sends you. At least you know Namjoon well—the only Jungkook knows about that girl is her fucking mouth.

“Gotta an issue with that?” He runs his tongue against his mouth and he looks at your from the side.

You turn to him and this feels all too familiar. “Yeah, actually I do.”

“Well, I have an issue kissing Namjoon in front of me—are we even?” He cocks his head to the side and you’ve never felt more annoyed yet turned on at the same time.

“Whatever,” you brush him off running a hand through your hair, turning back to your front staring at the fire. “Last time I checked I don’t take orders from you.”

“I know,” he says and you feel him push his body against your side. Your breathing instantly picks up and you bite the inside of your cheek to steady yourself. One of Jungkook’s hands finds its way to your shoulder, trailing it down to your elbow, then pushing it through the crack of your arm to settle on your waist.

“Jungkook,” you say quietly, not wanting to bring any attention to the two of you. Jungkook’s head leans down, his temple brushing against yours. His hand rubs gentle circles on your waist and you inhale his scent deeply. Fuck. “Jungkook… are you drunk?”

He shakes his head, “No, are you?” You believe him. He doesn’t smell like alcohol nor does he seem tipsy.

“No,” you say. Jungkook pulls you impossibly closer to him and your throat feels like its closing up.

“Can I kiss you?” Jungkook asks and you turn your head up, your noses brushing together. What? When has he ever been this upfront? You hesitate to answer but soon nod slowly—just once—you needed to feel it again—just once again. He closes the gap between you and you nearly melt into him. One of your hands grabs his face gently, pulling him down to you. Your own hands find their way to his fluffy hair, entangling into the locks. He presses himself into you and you feel your heart beating out of your chest. You let out a small whine when he pulls on your lip with his teeth and it shakes you back to reality.

You pull away from him—your entire body on fire. He’s got you trapped against the railing and you don’t trust the old wood to support your weight much longer.

“Jungkook,” you whisper and you feel something hard pressing into your front and your throat goes dry.

“Come home with me,” he says, “Please.” Desperation. That’s what laces his tone and you’re sure your heart left from your chest. But—you know this isn’t a good idea. Blame it on being sober, but you’re not sure you should go there with Jungkook. Not right now at least. Your head was spinning and as much as you wanted to—you couldn’t.

“Jungkook,” your eyes focus on his chest, watching your hands grip his shirt gently. “I—We can’t, we shouldn’t,” you bite your lip nervously.

“Please Y/N,” he nuzzles his forehead into yours, his grip on your getting tighter, “I need you, please—“

“Jungkook, no,” you push him off of you carefully and he looks hurt and confused. “I’m sorry, I—I want to but—“

“But what?” Once again, he looks sad and maybe a little angry now? “II’m not Namjoon? Is that it?”

You shake your head, not able to find a good answer in your head. His hands drop from your side and so does your stomach. Without another glance at your frame, Jungkook walks away, pulling at the roots of his hair.

You get home alone that night. Fuck. You think you really may have messed up this time. No, Jungkook wasn’t Namjoon but Namjoon could never be Jungkook. The history the two of you have... god you were so confused. You’re not sure you’ve ever felt gravity pull you to someone more since recently, that someone being Jungkook. As confused as your feelings were, you cry some in your bed. You don’t sleep that night, worried that whatever wedge is driving itself between you and Jungkook again—won’t be fixable this time.

_____

Jungkook, maybe much not to your surprise, cuts you off again the next week. You haven’t spoken or seen him since the party. Since he wanted you to go home with him and you nearly did, but thankfully you used your head some. You missed seeing his face dearly and missed his smile even more. When did things get so complicated with you and him? Ever since fucking graduation in high school—nothing has been the same. It’s been years and years and it’s something you’ve never gotten over. The more you think about it, the obvious reasons begin to show. Maybe Jungkook means more to you than you thought? Maybe he wasn’t just supposed to be your best friend? What if you two had been destined for something else all this time? Or maybe you weren’t meant to be friends at all?

Your thoughts are interrupted when a familiar face walks into your shift at the diner. Taehyung is by himself, his backpack thrown lazily over one of his shoulders. He looks tired, but just like you, getting through the day. His eyes meet yours and give him a small smile.

“Sit wherever,” you tell him and he decides to sit along the bar, sitting across from where you stand.

“Good evening,” he gives you a small smile, running a hand over his face.

“Hey Tae,” you breathe out, handing him a menu. He holds up his hand, not wanting it.

“Just get me a latte, extra espresso please,” he says and you nod.

“Coming right up.”

It doesn’t even take you a minute to make lattes now. The process has become so familiar it’s become second nature. Mainly due to your own obsession with lattes and your determination to perfect them yourself. You top the mug off with some foam before sliding it over to Taehyung. He doesn’t wait for it to cool before taking a big gulp.

“Rough day?” You ask, leaning forward on your elbows.

“You don’t even know,” he grumbles, “I had a quiz in my hardest class today that I didn’t know about, therefore didn’t study for,” he pauses, “I had to pick up all the slack on a group project that’s due on Saturday and then I have had to deal with Jungkook’s dumbass all week and he was at his worst this morning,” he rolls his eyes.

The mention of Jungkook makes your heart flutter yet stomach feel nauseated, “What’s wrong with Jungkook?”

Taehyung raises an eyebrow at you, “Don’t you know?”

“Um… he hasn���t talked to me in a week,” you look down at your hands, your mouth dry.

“Jesus fuck,” Taehyung groans, “No wonder he’s been in such a fucking mood. What did he do?”

You weren’t sure how to go about your answer. Um, yeah, so like Jungkook wanted me to go home with him to have sex and I did too and I didn’t and I don’t know why. Sounds great.

“It wasn’t him. It was me,” you pause, “He asked me to go home with him.”

Taehyung’s eyes widen slightly, a small smirk on his face, “Did you?”

You shake your head, “No, I couldn’t bring myself to. I wanted to but…” you trail off, slightly embarrassed to be telling Taehyung this.

“Goddammit,” he nearly laughs, “No wonder he’s pissy. Between you and tomorrow, kid’s got his work cut out.” You pick up Taehyung joking around but you still furrow your eyebrows.

“What’s tomorrow?” You ask.

“The 13th. Did he not tell you?” Fuck. His fight. Without talking to Jungkook everyday, you had forgotten about the fight.

“He mentioned it.”

“Are you going?” The question catches you off guard.

“What, oh no,” you shake your head, “No, he didn’t ask and I don’t think that’s something I wanna see anyways.”

“Trust me, he wants you there,” he says, “He’s just being a dick.”

“He’s got a funny way of showing it,” you snap. “Every time something happens between us… he shuts me off. I don’t fucking get it.”

“Y/N he does this to everyone when he’s stressed,” Taehyung pauses, “Especially since, you know,” he shrugs. The fights.

You nod, “I get it,” you slump, “It’s still frustrating.”

“You don’t have to tell me that—at least you don’t live with him,” he gives you a laugh and you send a smile in return.

“How do you feel about it?” You ask him genuinely, “The boxing I mean…”

Taehyung squints his eyes briefly, “I think it’s stupid personally,” this answer warms your heart until he continues, “But if I was as good as Jungkook I would probably do it too. The money in these things are insane.”

You raise your eyebrows, “So I’ve heard.”

Taehyung nods before he gets a text on his phone. He reads it before smiling.

“Your girlfriend?” You probe curiously.

He clears his throat, “Uh, yeah,” he responds quickly before turning his phone over. “So, what exactly is going on between you two?”

“Uh, what do you mean?” You laugh sarcastically.

Taehyung deadpans his face, “You know what I mean. I know you guys have this weird chemistry, it’s obvious. Plus he hasn’t shut up about you since you started tutoring him. Y/N this, Y/N that… it’s disgusting.”

Did Jungkook really talk about you?

“Ask him, not me because I don’t even fucking know. I could tell you what Kim Namjoon and I are before I could define mine and Jungkook’s relationship.” You let out a laugh and other eye roll.

“I’m assuming you and hyung are… what do they say? Friends with…?”

“Yeah yeah whatever you wanna call it,” you swat your hand slightly embarrassed.

“Jungkook hates it you know,” he says, switching tones. “You and Namjoon.”

You slightly snort, “And why is that?” You could tell Jungkook didn’t like seeing you with Namjoon, even before last weekend after he voiced it.

“Because he knows Namjoon is the type of guy you’ve always wanted, not him.” This takes you completely off guard.

“Why would Jungkook care about that?” You furrow.

Taehyung shrugs, staying silent this time. You weren’t stupid—you knew what Taehyung was implying by saying what he said. It makes your stomach drop. Maybe Jungkook felt more for you than he supposed to as well?

“So are you gonna come tomorrow?” He asks.

“No Taehyung,” you say, “I don’t want to see Jungkook get the shit beat out of him.”

“Jungkook won’t get the shit beat out of him, I can promise you that.”

You eyes glance over to the door as a small group of people walk into the diner. You don’t say anything else to Taehyung as you walk over to greet them. You seat them and make your way back to Taehyung, but you can’t chat much longer as you now have a table to tend to.

“Listen Y/N,” Taehyung stops you before you can walk back over with menus for the group, “If you wanna come, just text me. Like I said Jungkook wants you there, whether he’s said so or not. Also, another latte please, you’re slacking woman.”

You swat him with the menus before walking away from him. Goddamn, these next 24 hours were going to be hell.

_____

You couldn’t remember the last time you were ever this nervous for someone aside from yourself in a very long time. You remember how nervous you were in high school when you got injured and Jennie had to double with a girl on the bench of the tennis team. You remember being nervous for your parents when you left for college. And now, you don’t ever recall a moment in your life where you have been this nervous for Jeon Jungkook of all people.

It was Friday at 3:43 PM and you day was slow but painless, and you had no official plans set for the evening. Taehyung had texted you, wondering if you wanted to hitch a ride along with him to the match. You had yet to answer him. His text mocking you from your screen and you wanted to pretend that you knew nothing of the boxing match but that was impossible.

[You 3:59 PM] What time should I be ready

You send the message before you could regret it and delete it. Jennie has yet to be home from going to the store and you would need a good, yet believable excuse for your absence tonight.

[Taehyung 4:00 PM] i’ll pick you up around 8

[You 4:00 PM] Sounds good. Have you spoken to Jungkook today?

[Taehyung 4:02 PM] no he’s been quiet all day. have you?

[You 4:02 PM] Nope

You don’t receive another text from him and you slump down on your couch. It had been nearing two full weeks since Jungkook had spoken to you. You felt like all of this was your fault, sending him mixed signals and unsure of your own feelings for him. From the secretive finger fuck to the gentle kiss you shared last week, Jungkook was on your mind 24/7—aside from taking exams of course—but he was all you could think about lately. Growing up, you obviously loved Jungkook and was practically glued to his hip, but even then you don’t recall thinking about him every single fucking second.

You pull at the roots of your hair and let out a frustrated groan. Maybe you should reach out? After all, without your initiation of friendship all those years ago, you wouldn’t be here now.

You pick up your phone and find Jungkook’s contact and before you can stop yourself, you tap the call button. Your hands are clammy and you know he probably won’t answer, but it’s worth a try. The line rings for about thirty seconds before it goes dead. That dumbass doesn’t even have voicemail set up.

Pissed off even more, you slam your phone against the coffee table and let out an exasperated ‘fuck’ before going to your room to take a nap. Fuck Jeon Jungkook, is the last thought you have before you drift off into sleep.

_____

Taehyung picked you up at 8:02, though you told Jennie it was Namjoon who picked you up and the two of you were having a night in. You think she believed it but left her before she could ask anymore questions.

“I just don’t fucking get it Taehyung, one second he’s fine and another he’s like a child throwing a fit,” you filled Taehyung in on how you tried to call him but to no avail.

“You don’t have to tell me how he is Y/N, I fucking live with the guy,” he groans from his drivers seat. “I just think he’s going through a lot right now… with school, his parents, the boxing, you… he’s never handle stress that well you know that.”

You let out a sigh, leaning against the window, “It’s just so frustrating trying to help him only to get cut off like this…”

Taehyung looks at you with an eyeful glance though you don’t notice. “Y/N, in his eyes you’ve cut him off too, you do realize that right?”

You furrow your eyebrows. “What? No I haven’t?”

“Come on the little brat can’t keep his mouth shut. I know what happened with you two a couple weeks ago,” he says. You don’t say anything, cheeks getting warm. “And the weeks before that on our fucking balcony—“

“Okay what then Tae!” You interrupt him, too embarrassed by the memory.

“Jungkook is trying Y/N,” he says with a hint of a smirk, “He thinks you’re rejecting him,” Taehyung says matter-of-factly.

“Rejecting? C’mon Taehyung you know that I—“

“I know that you and Jungkook like each other, even though neither one of you have said anything, Jennie says it too.”

You narrow your eyebrows at your friend. “I don’t know what I think about Jungkook okay?” You’re being honest. You know you like Jungkook… but you’re scared of what that entails for the future. You want Jungkook in your future, you just don’t know what the right path is.

Taehyung doesn’t say anything else as he pulls his car into a fairly full parking garage. It’s dimly lit and slightly freaks you out. Taehyung had to drive to the other side of the city to get here and you don’t recognize the neighborhood around.

“Stay close to me, alright?” Taehyung opened your door for you and you nod without any argument. You follow Taehyung out of the parking garage into the chilly air and you huddle by his side. The two of you walk down a couple streets before he turns down a dark, dimly lit alleyway.

“Taehyung what the fuck,” you whisper and come to a halt. His brown eyes bleed into yours despite the darkness and he takes your hand into his.

“It’s okay,” he says reassuringly, “I promise.”

You nod reluctantly and the you continue to walk down the alley, coming to a stop at the end where you spot the familiar face of Min Yoongi. He’s standing down a small flight of stairs beneath you two and he greets Taehyung with a stiff smile.

“Taehyung, what’s up,” he says, his eyes immediately looking over at you, “Y/N?”

You tighten your grip around Taehyung’s hand, Yoongi’s stare quite intimidating.

“She should be on Jungkook’s list.”

You stay quiet knowing Taehyung doing the talking is the best strategy. Yoongi looks down at a clipboard—old fashioned but effective you guess—before nodding.

“You guys are good. Hurry and find a seat, there’s a lot of people down here tonight.”  

“You got it,”  Taehyung gives him a small smile before you drag behind him down the stairs and enter through a heavy door. You already hear plenty of commotion as you enter a huge space a few feet from the door. Your eyes look around and you could see nearly a hundred people just in your line of sight.

“Holy shit,” Taehyung says.

“What?” You get nervous by his tone.

“I’ve never seen this many people here, goddamn.”

“Why are there so many people here?” You spot a large boxing ring, dead center of the room and your mouth goes dry.

“I guess people like rematches?” Taehyung raises an eyebrow at you.

“Where’s Jungkook?” You ask, noticing how some eyes are staring at you, making you shift uncomfortably in your boots.

“Probably in the locker rooms… wanna see him?” He asks.

You bite your lip. “Does he wanna see us?” You hope Taehyung says yes. It’s killing you inside not being able to see him, hear him.

“Guess we’ll find out, c’mon,” he smirks and you follow him closely. As you look around, you do notice people you somewhat recognize. Whether it’s from walking around on campus or some of your classes, all these faces are not too unfamiliar. Taehyung takes you away from the crowd of people, through another set of doors and down another hallway. With this much walking and standing, you would have worn something other than booties. You enter the “locker room” area and you suddenly feel queasy. What if Jungkook is mad that you’re here? What if he doesn’t want to see you after all? What if—

“Y/N?” Your thoughts are broken by a honey-like voice and you focus in on the source. Jungkook sits a few feet away from you and Taehyung, back leaning against a wall. He looks confused, but also pleasantly surprised. “What are you doing here?” He gets up and does the unexpected—he embraces you in a tight hug. You return it without a second though, holding him close to you. He pulls away from you after a few moments and gives Taehyung a small hug too.

“Hey,” you say shyly.

“How are you feeling?” Taehyung asks his friend and Jungkook shrugs.

“I’m alright.” Jungkook looks at you again. “I didn’t think you’d ever come to one of these,” he laughs awkwardly.

“Me either,” you say with no expression. As much as you wanted to be happy—you couldn’t. You were pissed at Jungkook for ignoring you and you were pissed that Jungkook was about to fight. You eye his frame, a white t shirt and navy sweatpants hang low on his hips. He looks calm, too calm for your liking.

“Will you give us a minute?” Jungkook suddenly turns to Taehyung and he nods glancing at you.

“I’ll get some seats.”

Taehyung leaves you and Jungkook alone and you nearly feel like crying. What the fuck is this mess?

“Y/N listen to me,” Jungkook says stepping towards you, “I’m so sorry about thess past two weeks. I-I’ve been a dick for no fucking reason and it’s not fair to you.”

You don’t say anything as you stand there with your arms crossed over your chest.

“Fuck I know I’m idiot and there’s no excuse… I’ve just been so stressed lately and you’re the best fucking part of my day—“

“Well why don’t you fucking act like it Jungkook? I’m sick of something happening between us and you acting like a I don’t exist for god knows what reason,” you raise your voice slightly.

“Y/N I,” he pauses, his hands finding their way to your shoulders, “I haven’t been honest with you and,” he pauses again and you feel your heart speed up. What’s he talking about? “I just wanna say—“

“Jungkook, you got five minutes,” the two of you turn to Park Jimin who seemed to come in at the wrong time.

“Fuck,” he says, “We’ll talk after okay?”

You nod hesitantly and before you can push yourself away from him, Jungkook places a kiss on your forehead and it makes your insides melt. Fuck, you meet his brown eyes, biting your lip nervously. 

A revelation springs into your mind; you think you might love him. He pulls you in for another hug, though this is one much shorter as Jimin is ushering you out of the locker room in the blink of an eye.

As much as you wanted to be mad at Jungkook, those thoughts had quickly subsided and replaced with butterflies and nausea. Did you really love Jungkook? You always have, but the feeling in the pit of your heart is pulling you to a different type of love. You cared about him, sometimes even more than yourself. You’ve always wanted the best for him, even if that meant sacrificing your feelings in the process. Now you were stuck between a rock in a hard place, much like you were back in high school when you had a crush on Jungkook. Fuck. And now you have to watch him fight someone like dogs,  

You shake yourself from your thoughts, as loud music flows through your ears and you look around for Taehyung. Luckily, his ashy hair color is easy to spot amongst the crowd and you push yourself to him, squeezing in between bodies and their chatter.

“My bet’s on Jeon,” a voice says.

“Fuck no, Eric isn’t gonna let the same guy beat him twice.”

You try to ignore the snide comments about Jungkook and when you get to Taehyung, he greets you with a smile.

“Hey, everything good?” He asks.

You lick you dry lips, “I don’t know,” you say honestly. Taehyung’s eyes drop and he nods. 

Suddenly, all the lights go out in the venue and a roar of screams and cheers fills the void. You stay still, pressing your body close to Taehyung. It’s not that you feel unsafe, but this environment—it wasn’t for you at all. You heart rate quickens when a man, give a few years on your age, gets into the boxing ring before you, the crowd cheering even louder for him. He bumps a microphone with his palm before bringing it to his mouth.

“Welcome, welcome!” He beams with a smile, “What an outstanding turnout we have tonight! You guys choose a good one to watch because tonight is the rematch of two of the best fighters I’ve seen in a long time…”

“Let’s give a welcome to our first fighter, weighing in at 148 pounds, 5 foot 11, Jeon Jungkook!”

Being an underground fighting ring, there isn’t a posse escorting Jungkook to the ring. He’s got Jimin by his left side, Min Yoongi on the right. Jungkook is shirtless, wearing only a pair of navy shorts, black and white boxing gloves on his hands. He enters the ring with cheers and you inhale and exhale deeply. You look up at Taehyung and he gives you a nod of reassurance to calm down. Jungkook jumps around in place a few times, shaking his arms and shoulders out. From your seat, you can’t read his eyes or facial expression—but he looks calm and unnerved.

“Coming in next, weighing in at 145 pounds, 6 feet tall, Kim Eric!”

Jungkook’s opponent walks in next, three guys surrounding him. He walks slow and steady, his bare chest tattooed beautifully, his boxing gloves a dark red. He enters the ring to cheers and this Eric guy’s gaze doesn’t leave Jungkook’s body one time. Jungkook hasn’t spared one glance at the guy and you find yourself somewhat smiling. Jungkook has always been a cocky-fuck when it’s come to sports which would usually annoy you, but here right now—he looked hot as fuck standing there as if he had no care in the world. Jungkook stands on the left corner of the ring, sitting on a small stool as Jimin and Yoongi talk to him. Jungkook nods, absorbing their information. Eric and his guys do the same.

Suddenly, both men stand and Jimin is putting a mouth guard in Jungkook’s mouth and with one last nod, he finally looks over at Eric, who has already made his way to the center of the ring with the announcer. Jungkook stalks over slowly, his eyes dark and hungry.

“Alright guys, I want a clean fight. No kicking, no cheap shots. If you get knocked down, I give you ten seconds to get up. You look me in the eyes and say you’re good before anymore fighting happens alright. We go for five rounds, unless more is needed. A knockout wins. Touch gloves.”

Jungkook sticks out his gloves for Eric but Eric only stares at him, ignoring the sign of solidarity.

“Fuck you,” Eric says to Jungkook and sends a chill down your spine. Jungkook rolls his eyes, backing away from him, but stays silent.

“Alright… ready… fight!”

Time slows as a bell rings loudly, the cheers get even louder, and you find yourself gripping Taehyung’s arm for support. Jungkook starts to move around the ring slowly, but Eric isn’t having that—immediately rushing to Jungkook to get a few jabs in. Jungkook manages to dodge them perfectly before Eric can corner him. Jungkook keeps his gloves high and never looks away from Eric. Eric comes after Jungkook again, jabbing once—twice—the third time hitting Jungkook square in the face.

“Shit,” you breathe out, eyes widening.

This time, Jungkook comes for Eric, his jabs coming quick and calculated, landing Eric in the body once. Jungkook jabs again and hits him in the face. Eric moves around quickly, Jungkook not quick to follow him. Eric comes after him again, Jungkook blocking his jabs, but missing at the end, leading to Jungkook getting hit in the face once again as well as a body shot.

Eric is coming in hot, throwing punches and jabs left and right, making Jungkook dance around to dodge them. After a few moments, Jungkook begins to fight back, landing Eric square in the face twice. You notice that Jungkook must have busted Eric’s lip as blood now protrudes from his mouth. This seems to send Eric into overdrive and attacks Jungkook quick and fast. You cover your mouth when Eric has Jungkook trapped against the rope, landing body punches after body punches.

“Alright!! Enough, break it up!!” The announcer gets Eric off of Jungkook and Eric starts to laugh in a very showman's way. Jungkook is breathing heavy and he tilts his head—a habit of his that comes out when he’s frustrated or angry. This seems to be both.

Jungkook and Eric continue to throw jabs at one another. Within a few seconds, the whole fight seems to change as Eric manages to slip past one of Jungkook’s blocks and lands him straight on the cheekbone. Jungkook’s body almost freezes before he falls back on the floor and you gasp at the sight.

“Fuck! Taehyung—“

“He’s fine, he’s fine,” he says but his eyes never met yours.

The announcer is on the floor with Jungkook counting down from ten and Jungkook finally sits up when he reaches the number four.

“You good son?” The guy asks Jungkook.

He nods, “Yeah, let’s go.”

Jungkook gets up and walks around, stretching his neck around, waiting for the ref to announce the second round.

“That’s what you get motherfucker,” Eric says walking past him to his corner. Again, Jungkook says nothing before sitting down. Jimin takes out his mouth guard and lets Jungkook drink some water.

“Why is Jungkook letting him hit him like that?!” You ask Taehyung, looking up to him, “He’s getting his ass kicked!”

Taehyung shakes his head, “Jungkook’s smart Y/N… he’s trying to run Eric’s energy out. If Eric keeps swinging the way he right now, he’ll be passed out on his own soon.”

The second round commences and this time, it’s Jungkook who comes out fast. Jungkook soon has Eric trapped against the rope, landing jab after jab. The ref intervenes and lets them get some air. Jungkook’s skin is sweaty and red hot and you don’t think you’ve ever seen him look as mad as he does right now.

Eric counters quickly, catching up with Jungkook again, landing punch after punch. Jungkook escapes but Eric sticks out a foot, causing Jungkook to trip. The whole crowd—yourself included��start to yell at the action. The referee pulls Eric back and points his finger at him. You can’t hear what he’s saying, but you know it’s a scolding by the way his mouth is moving quickly. You look over at Jungkook who shakes his head disapprovingly. He’s talking to Jimin as Yoongi cares to a cut on Jungkook’s eyebrow.

“He’s a fucking asshole,” you make out Jungkook saying.

The third round starts and it seems both Eric and Jungkook are equally fighting this time. Jungkook’s combinations are cleaner than Eric’s, anyone can see that, but the way Eric keeps landing in on Jungkook—makes you feel like this isn’t going to end well for him.

“Come on Jungkook!” You find yourself yelling in the chaos, your whole body shaking as Jungkook dances around the ring to get away from Eric. Eric has him trapped again, but with Jungkook’s strength, gets Eric off of him to turn the tables. There’s sweat and blood coming off both fighters and it’s got to be the most horrifying thing you’ve ever seen.

“Come on you little bitch,” Eric spits at Jungkook, “Is that all you’ve fucking got?”

Jungkook says nothing again, jabbing when he needs to.

“Fucking hell why won’t you speak to me you fucker?” Eric speaks again.

“I don’t have shit to say to you,” Jungkook finally retorts back. “You lost my respect when you sent those pussies to jump Park and I.”

Eric swings hard and Jungkook ducks, barely missing it by an inch. Eric is tired, Jungkook too, but Jungkook can see a weakness in him now.

“Come on it was all in good fun,” he says with a smirk, “You know what else would be good fun?”

Jungkook doesn’t say anything.

“Kicking your ass,” he pauses and before Jungkook can do anything else, Eric swings down hard, landing on Jungkook’s body knocking the breath out of him. Jungkook stumbles backwards, holding his stomach, he lands again on the ground with a clunk. Eric stands over him, before taking out his mouthpiece, “And stealing your bitch you invited tonight.”

“Goddammit,” you mutter watching the scene unfold in front of you. No one knows what they’re saying to each other over the noise and you honestly couldn’t care. You just want Jungkook to get up and finish this shit.

Jungkook stands up, though with a visible wince in his face. He’s breathing heavy and is filled with pure rage. The fourth bell rings and it doesn’t take long for Jungkook to attack him. Jungkook is fast and furious, landing punch after punch and you’ve never been happier for someone to get their ass kicked. Jungkook lands a punch straight across the face, causing Eric to stumble backwards. Even though you know nothing about boxing, Eric looks exhausted where Jungkook looks ready for more. With everything left in Eric, he starts coming after Jungkook. Jungkook blocks until he can’t block no more, but something in Jungkook’s stance changes. Jungkook steps forward, his right hand landing straight on Eric’s face cause his form to break. Jungkook steps quickly again, his left hand bringing an uppercut to Eric’s jaw.

The room nearly falls silent as Eric loses balance, going down straight on his back and head. When he hits the ground, the room erupts in a roar so loud it nearly deafens you.

“Holy shit!” Taehyung exclaims. The ref is down on the ground, counting down from 10, and then it’s at 5 and then 3 and then—

“Ladies and gentlemen, Jeon Jungkook wins this rematch!” The ref grabs Jungkook’s hand and holds it up over his head and you find yourself jumping up and down, pulling Taehyung down for a hug.

“Taehyung oh my fucking god!” You exclaim. He smiles brightly at you.

“I told you, he knows what he’s doing,” he says and you nod. You couldn’t deny it now—as stupid as Jungkook was for getting involved in this, his talent for the sport was extraordinary. “Come on, let’s get to his locker room,” Taehyung pulls you by your hand and you make your way back to where you were earlier.

Jungkook hasn’t arrived yet, but you find Yoongi already in there, setting out a first aid kit.

“Hey guys,” he says, “Great fight, huh?”

“Yeah, it was brilliant,” Taehyung says. The door opening catches your attention and Jungkook walks through with Jimin.  Your eyes instantly meet and you can’t even stop yourself from running to him and throwing your arms around him. He exhales deeply with a sharp wince, returning your bone crushing grip with his own.

“Alright lovebirds, he needs to get fixed up,” Yoongi’s voice interrupts you two. You hesitantly let him go and he sits down in front of Yoongi, sitting forward on his knees. He’s still breathing heavy, dripping sweat everywhere.

“Fucking hell Jungkook, since when do you box southpaw?” Taehyung pushes his shoulder slightly and Jungkook only laughs as Yoongi wipes away the blood on his eyebrow.

“I’ve been working on it for awhile,” he says, “Just never had the right time to use it… until tonight at least,” he says giving you a glance. “Eric is all talk, no bite. I can’t fucking stand him.”

“Well, I don’t think you’ll be boxing him again anytime soon,” Jimin says, “He’s embarrassed himself twice now.”

“Yeah, agreed,” Yoongi chimes in, placing one of those bandaids that pull the skin together like stitches above Jungkook’s eyebrow. “No one will want to box you now knowing you can southpaw.”

Jungkook looks at you and you furrow your eyebrows at him. He said he wasn’t going to fight after this, but the way they are talking—it sounds as if he is.

“Well, I think my boxing career is probably over after tonight,” Jungkook speaks up as if he could read your mind. He tears his eyes away from you as the others look confused.

“What?!”

“Why?”

“Jungkook c’mon!”

“Guys,” he breathes out, “I made a promise, okay? Besides, I have enough money now, I don’t need anything else.”

Your features soften as you listen to his words. His promise was to you. A smile grows on your face as you watch his body calm down from his intensified state. Once Yoongi is finished, he packs everything up. The five of you talk amongst yourselves before Taehyung turns to you.

“You ready to go home?” He asks.

“I can take you home,” Jungkook says before you can answer.

“Okay,” you give him a small smile that he returns.

“Okay then, I’m gonna head out, I won’t be home tonight Jungkook,” he says.

“I know I know, at your girlfriends,” Jungkook swats his hand and Taehyung flips him off before leaving.

Jungkook stands up throwing on a shirt and slipping into Birkenstocks. “Come on,” he says to you, holding out his head. You gladly take it and it feels more like home than home ever has.

_____

“Fuck Jungkook, how much money is this?” You ask him as he hands you a white envelope as he unbuckles himself in the driver seat. The envelope is thick and you peak out of curiosity, your jaw dropping.

“I told you,” he says snatching it back from you, “As much food as I’ve bought you lately, hopefully this will last.”

You swat at his sarcastic comment before letting out a laugh. Instead of going home, you asked Jungkook to go anywhere but there. You’re parked outside of his apartment complex, which was fine with you. The two of you needed to talk. Not much talking goes on as a silence falls between you two.

“Y/N.”

“Jungkook.”

The two of you laugh as you speak at the same time.

“You first,” you say, turning your body to face him fully.

He takes a deep breath before speaking, “I know I said it earlier but I really am sorry about this past week. There’s not an excuse that justifies me acting like a complete dick to you, especially when you’ve been nothing but nice to me.”

You stay quiet, unsure of what to say.

“And when I said you’re the best part of my day… I fucking mean it. I’m sorry for coming onto you like I have, I just,” he doesn’t finish, his eyes looking everywhere but you.

“Jungkook,” you get his attention again, reaching over the console to grab his hand, “Don’t apologize for that. Yeah, you’ve been a dick each time something happens between us but that’s the apology I care about.”

“I just don’t know how to say it,” he mutters, caressing your hand gently.

“So you’re really not going to box anymore?” you inquire. Jungkook was good, more than good... it couldn’t be easy giving up on that. 

He shakes his head, “No. I told you I didn’t want you worrying about me anymore. I keep my promises,” his smile his sweet and you swear your feel yourself melting more and more into his touch. 

“Jungkook,” you let out a deep sigh, “I didn’t realize how much I needed you in my life until we became friends again. You know almost everything about me and I don’t want anyone else to ever take your place…”

It’s hanging there by a thread—the words on your tongue—and you’re not sure you can say them and they feel constricting—but you know you have to and—

“I love you,” the words come from your mouth and you feel like you could puke. “I don’t know when or why, but I’m in love with you Jungkook. You’re all I think about anymore and I don’t want anyone else when you’re right here.”

Jungkook parts his mouth, staring at you with a look you can’t read. Fuck, you fucked this up for sure.

“Shit—I know that was so rushed and stupid. Fuck I’m an idiot—“

“Y/N,” Jungkook’s voice interrupts you and you try to hide within your own body from embarrassment. With your hand of yours in his, he pulls on it, forcing you closer to him. You look at him wide eyed before he presses his lips against yours firmly. As usual, his lips feel so good and you melt into him. This is good right? What the hell is going on? You pull away from him after a few moments, an unsure look on your face.

He nuzzles his nose against your own before speaking, “I’ve wanted to tell you that since the night of our graduation.”

“Really?” You ask as you feel your palms sweat, heart racing.

He nods, “I’ve been in love with you for god knows how long now.”

A smile creeps upon your face and you let out a sigh of relief. Jungkook watches you with interest, tucking some of your hair behind your ear.

“I can take you home whenever,” he says quietly.

You’re quick to shake your head,  “No, it’s okay… I can stay, if you want,” your voice trails off and you suddenly feel shy under his gaze.

You don’t notice how Jungkook bites his lip but he does say, “Yeah. Of course.”

_____

Jungkook’s apartment is how you remember it, though a lot quieter without Taehyung here. You’re sure the reason Jungkook’s apartment is spotless is because of him. He has always been clean and organized and Taehyung… well he was Taehyung.

“I’m gonna get in the shower, my room is in here if you wanna chill,” Jungkook says and you give him a small nod. He rids his shirt before he even closes the bathroom door and it makes you gulp. This is new territory for the both of you. The two of you just admitted your love for one another and you’re about to spend the night with Jungkook? And not in a friend way? Jesus Christ you could be tripping.

You walk into Jungkook’s room and it smells just like him. His bed is neatly made and his desk is sprawled with two computer monitors and some notebooks from school. His walls are decorated as you’d expect—a Korean flag hanging, a ‘Saturday’s Are For The Boys’ flag—typical—and a few Beta Tae Sigma plaques scattered. What catches your eye is a wall of neatly lined photos taped to the wall. You look around at all of them with a smile. Most of them are Jungkook and his frat brothers, Taehyung, a few of his older brother, there’s even a picture of you, him, Taehyung, and Jennie from high school. One that catches your eye the most is one of just you and him. It’s an old picture but the memories from that day flood your mind. It was from your first week of freshman year here at university. Both of your smiles are wide and you two are hugging each other’s frames closely. Jennie took the picture you remember. It makes you smile to yourself, butterflies entering in your stomach. Did you love Jungkook then and didn’t know it? The way you’re looking at him in the picture would say so.

You suddenly feel an urge to be close to him again. You’ve never been a ballsy person but as you look back at the bathroom door that’s closed, your desire to be touched again by Jungkook again overwhelms your senses. Closing your eyes briefly, you don’t need much more convincing before your stripping yourself of your jacket and shoes. You kick off your jeans and sweater, leaving you only in your undergarments. You tip toe to the bathroom, grabbing the handle, opening it easy.

The shower water is loud and there’s steam in the small quarters. Jungkook is humming to himself as you start to take off the rest of your clothing. With a deep breath, you grab the shower curtain, pulling it back. Jungkook’s back is facing you but he hears you instantly.

“Shit Y/N you scar—“ he stops mid sentence as he takes in your naked frame getting in the shower too.

“Hi,” you mumble meeting his eye contact.  

“H-hey,” he nearly chokes on his own air, trying to keep his eyes up from your breasts.

“Scooch,” you smirk at him to move to get underneath the water too. He does as you say watching you curiously. You’re in the process of wetting your hair when his chest is pressed firmly against your back.

“This wasn’t expected,” he says into your ear, his hands moving to grip your waist from behind.

“You’re the one that wanted me to go home with you,” you say giving him an innocent glance over your shoulder. He laughs biting his lip, pressing them against the skin behind of your ear. You lean into the physical contact, feeling almost all of your stress go away instantly.

You spin around to look at him fully as it’s a frenzy whose mouth collides with whose. He leans down to grasp your lips in their entirety, pulling you closer to him than you ever have been. He pulls you away from the water so it doesn’t get in your face as he presses you against the shower wall. His tongue dips in and out of your mouth, his hands free roaming over your breasts and down to your ass, whatever he likes within the moment. Your hands grip his dark locks as he moves his mouth from your mouth, to your neck, down to your chest. He waste no time taking your right nipple in his mouth and you exhale deeply at the feeling.

You pull his face back to yours, kissing him again not able to get enough of his lips. His hands trail down from your ass to the front of your thighs, getting closer and closer to your wet center.

“Is this okay?” He asks as his fingers rub slowly back forth between your entrance. You can barely speak as his touch is setting you on fire but you manage to nod.

“Yes, please, Jungkook,” you say. He enters one finger, then another stretching you out nicely. Fuck you forgot how good this felt with him.

“Fuck you’re so wet,” he breathes heavily and you glance down at his hardening cock. Your mouth waters at the sight. Jungkook lifts one of your legs and starts to take his fingers in and out of you slowly and agonizing. He fingers you deep and rough and you can already feel a climax coming.

“Shit,” you croak out as Jungkook rubs one of your nipples, kissing your neck. There’s a pain at the back of your head at his force pushing you against the wall but it’s easy to ignore when it feels so good below your waist. “Jungkook, I’m gonna come,” you say as the snap inside of you is about to break.

“Come on baby,” his voice is deep and groggy. As if on cue, you feel your climax wash over you and you’re not shy to be loud. You know no one is here so it doesn’t bother you one bit. Jungkook kisses you against feverishly as he pulls his fingers from you. You feel impossibly empty but you know what you want to do and you’re not near anywhere tired. Your hands travel down to his front, grasping his hard dick in your hands. God, he’s so big.

“Oh fuck,” Jungkook seethes through his teeth as you pull on the sensitive skin, all the way from his pubic hair down to the tip. He places a hand beside of your head, leaning forward against your forehead. His eyes are shut tightly and you lick your lips, wanting to take him in your mouth.

You push him away from you slightly and move down to your knees, your face front and center with his beautiful dick. You take no time to put him in your mouth which causes Jungkook to groan loudly.

“Y/N,” he says looking down at you. He’s never seen a better sight. You make sure to keep eye contact as you bob your head up and down his shaft. While one of Jungkook’s hands stays against the wall, his other grips your hair, fisting it into a makeshift ponytail. “Oh fuck—He pulls on your hair and it only makes you want to please him more. Your left hand go to his balls, the right helping you up and down his length. He pulls your hair again and you take as much of him as you can. His tip reaches the back of your throat and you gag around his length and Jungkook thinks he could actually cry. Watching you through half open lids, he decides this isn’t how he is going to come—not tonight at least.

He grabs your hair and pulls you away from him and you’re slightly confused when he brings you to your feet.

“Come on, I need to be inside of you,” he says and you nod eagerly as he turns off the shower. He leads you out of the bathroom in a frenzy, pulling up into his bedroom. You shut the door behind you and he pins you against it, kissing you hard and deep.

Both of you are dripping wet but neither of you care to dry off as he carries you to his bed. You settle on his lap as his hands rest on your waist tightly. Your hands grip his face just as tight but you’re careful not to touch his injury above his brow. You couldn’t believe he was just fighting two hours ago—that seemed like forever ago compared to now. A lot can change in a short period of time and it makes you slightly chuckle against his mouth.  

“What?” He breaks the kiss asking you with a hazy grin.

You shake your head, “Nothing,” you smile pushing his hair from his forehead. You liked seeing it. “I love you,” you repeat. And you probably won’t stop, ever.

“I love you too,” he says, “So much.”

“Let me ride you,” you whisper in his ear and his eyes light up like a child. “Are you clean?” You ask him. 

He nods quickly, “You?” You nod in response and both of you feel excited and anxious. 

You rub your hand against his length again and you hold it up as you adjust yourself to sit on him. As soon as his tip enters you, a shiver runs down your spine. As you sink yourself lower, groans come from both of your mouths, a deep moan erupting from you when you bottom out.

“Oh my god,” you breathe in and out to control yourself.

“Ride me baby,” he says and you start to move your hips against his. He fills up every inch of you and it feels so good. Your hips lift away from his and he chases them with his own thrusts. He kisses your neck as you throw your head back, your hands digging into his shoulders for leverage.  

“Fuck Jungkook,” you say seeing stars in your eyes, “You feel so good,” you whine.

“You have no idea,” he says against your sticky skin, one of his hands bruising into your waist helping you ride him in a fluid motion. “Goddammit,” he says.

As you grind against him, your clit rubs against his pubic hair, sending your toes curling. He senses that you’ve found your sweet spot against him and places his thumb there instead to rub the sensitive bud.

You feel yourself inching closer and closer to a second climax when Jungkook stalls your motion.

“Lay on your stomach,” he breathes and you do as he says climbing off of him quickly. He doesn’t even give you time to get there all the way before he’s grabbing your hips to pull your ass to him. He slides right into you and you nearly scream into his mattress. Your hands grip the sheets as he fucks you deeper from behind. He smacks your ass once, twice sending a loud whine from your mouth.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you mutter trying to focus on Jungkook’s whines and small ministrations from his mouth. He reaches forward, rubbing your clit again and you want to die and go to heaven at the feeling. Neither of you try to be quiet anymore as you feel the second orgasm coming over you. You clench and unclench around Jungkook’s length as he stalls his thrusts to feel the action.

“Come inside of me,” you say, knowing both of you are clean and you have an IUD.

“Jesus,” he breathes, picking up his pace again chasing after his own high. As the sensitivity becomes too much, Jungkook finally lets go, coming deep inside of you. He holds your hips close against him, trying to deepen his climax as far as possible. The hot cum inside of you feels good and you moan at the feeling.

When Jungkook finishes completely in you, he pulls out with a sigh. You collapse against the bed, completely spent. Jungkook finds a clean rag in his pile of clean laundry and is quick to clean yourself and him up. You feel like you can barely move as Jungkook joins you in his bed. He turns you over to face him and he kisses you gently which you return happily.

“I love you,” he says for the third time tonight, kissing your nose.

“I love you too,” you entangling your legs together. The room is silent apart from your breathing and you’re about to go to sleep when he nudges you with his hand.  

“Come on,” he says.

“What?” You ask.

“Let’s actually take a shower now since someone wouldn’t let me,” he eyes you with accusation.

You squint at him before flipping him off. “Fuck off.”

_____

The next morning you wake up with Jungkook hugging you from behind, his face nuzzeled in your hair. You have no clue what the time may be, but you since it’s early by the way the birds chirp out the window. You stretch out your arms as best as you could and try to move your legs, but it doesn’t work since Jungkook’s heavy legs are tangled with your own. You’re tempted to fall back asleep but when Jungkook moves behind you, you turn to see his ruckus. You’re met with his brown eyes and you jump slightly, not expecting to see him awake. Both of you let out the faintest of laughs, not saying anything.

Jungkook leans over and kisses your lips, “Good morning.” His voice is groggy and he shuts his eyes again as you fully turn your body to his.

“Good morning,” you respond, watching the way his chest rises and falls gently. “How’d you sleep?”

“Hmm, really good,” he mumbles. You are about to join him in closing your eyes again until a loud rumble comes from your belly. Jungkook laughs.

“Hungry much?”

“Starving,” you groan, “I didn’t eat dinner last night.”

“Why not?”

“I was too nervous before your match… I thought I would yak if I ate,” you answer. Stupid, you know, but it was your train of thought last night.

He opens his eyes again, “Let’s go to the diner for breakfast… employee discount.”

You glare at him, “Is that all I am to you? A fucking employee discount,” you say saracastically.

“And my girlfriend if that helps?” He raises an eyebrow. Your cheeks heat up and you smile.

“Welllll, since my boyfriend is rich now and gets a discount, I’m assuming he’s paying.”

He smirks, “Obviously.”

“Will you take me to my place so I can change? And then we’ll go?”

He nods, his hand caressing the side of your body, “As much as I wanna stay in bed, I could really go for pancakes right now.”

“Waffles are superior,” you remark.

He frowns with a disgusted face, “Get the fuck out of my bed you heathen.”

_____

Jungkook insisted on coming up to your apartment with you because he didn’t want to wait in the car, but you know he just wants to see you change in front of him. Boys are all the fucking same.

As you fumbled with the key, the door opens and whatever Jungkook is saying to you is suddenly drowned out when you see—

“Jennie?”

“Taehyung?”

The names leave yours and Jungkook’s mouth as you watch the scene in front of you. Jennie is sitting on the counter, Taehyung in between her legs with a coffee cup in hand. Could be worse but what the fuck is going on?!

“Shit,” Jennie says pushing away Taehyung. “Hey guys,” she smiles awkwardly. You and Jungkook look at each other confused before Jungkook speaks.

“Uh, Taehyung?” He asks and Taehyung is. as red as a tomato.

“Oh fuck,” Jennie mutters shaking her head. She looks at Taehyung for backup.

Taehyung pinches his nose before speaking, “Um… we’re dating.”

You and Jungkook have the same reaction as your mouth drops.

“Jennie is your secret girlfriend?” Jungkook asks.

“Surprise,” Jennie smiles again looking at you.

You look at Jungkook and shake your head at the four of you. What a fucking cliché.

The four of you go to breakfast together that morning and it’s like old times, just with a sprinkle of something new. As long as the four of you have known each other, you’ve always had each other’s backs. Even now, with you and Jungkook and Jennie and Taehyung—you know that would never change from here on out. Turns out, Jennie just thought her and Taehyung were friends with benefits, while Taehyung was telling everyone he had a girlfriend because he was that smitten with her. The four of you laugh at the situation at hand and you couldn’t believe everyone was back together... like this. As Jungkook’s pancakes and your waffles arrive, Jungkook’s beaming smile lighting the whole room you think to yourself—this is how it’s supposed to be. 

[cloudslou]

hi i really like reading about your thesis bc i'm also working on mine rn and i'm! so! lost! i wanna know if you have like a plan for writing yours? i'm also a humanities student so basically i just have to read a lot djkjf but i find it so hard to 😔 if your source is a book or a dissertation do you read it more than once? if you don't how do you choose your citations and stuff like that? do your write a summary for everything you read? i feel like i should but just reading has been really hard for me lately and i recently got a very demanding job so </3 yeah idk fkjdf also i'm sorry for this long ass message 😩

hi anon!!!

a) OMG good luck on your thesis!!!!!! wishing u all the best <333 lets get a support group going

b) reading so much IS hard, but i try to only read what i need. i dont write summaries for everything i read, though early on in the process my advisor did have me list all my sources and justify why i had them/their importance, but i've since gained more sources and havent done that on my own. you can mostly get the benefits of this just by thinking to yourself "how does this source help me? what will i need from it? am i likely to actually reference it in my thesis?"

c) if a source i have is really long (i.e. full book or someone's 300 page dissertation), i dont typically read the whole thing, but rather identify chapters or sections that i need and read those. for instance, one of my sources is Mothers of Invention: Women of the Slaveholding South in the American Civil War. my pdf is 343 pages, which is a lot to read if i'm only going to end up using a couple paragraphs. instead, i focused on chapter 7 specifically since that is what suits my needs. this chapter, at just over 20 pages, is a lot more manageable to read not only once but multiple times if i need to.

d) you dont have to become an expert on every book/article/etc you use as a source. i read things pretty fast and highlight what looks like something i'll need to refer back to, reading around it if i need context when i DO go back. but the highlight tool is my bestie cus i can scroll fast know when to stop on smth past me thought was important.

e) i dont know your thesis paper or what you study, but for history i am very much constructing a story around my evidence, so when i write something and need sources, i dont deep-drive into my sources, but rather just command+f to search for key words that i need (for example, the book i just posted abt in my tags. google books shows me about a 3 line preview of the pages i need based on my search of key terms, but those 3 lines are enough for me to justify writing a sentence in my thesis, and so then that book is now one of my sources).

f) i don't really have a "plan" for writing mine, but every week i meet with my advisor and i set goals for the next time i see her. over spring break, my goal was to get 2/4 analysis sections done (the sections where i am making my Own Original Historical Claims), and i did that! now my goal is to outline the following two sections and get this draft to her by tonight.

my advice is to list out your sections very clearly (even if you know what they are in theory, or you have to delete them when you are done). think about what your priority is (for me, its Making My Historical Claims) and focus on those. other things, like background info, introduction, etc are much easier to push though and the quality of those matters less.

also, focus on getting the words out rather than getting Good words out. think "what do i actually mean?" and try writing that, rather than thinking "here is my thought, how should i best put it into academic language". this might give you clunky sentences, things that dont sound good or need to be reworked, ideas that dont go together well or fully make sense yet, etc, but it gives you more to work with. and once you have the "bones" down, you can work on refining it.

pls dont read every source in its entirety. for history, i mostly need to read the introduction + conclusion, and then skimming inbetween (that is, if i dont just skip to what is relevant to me). i dont know what your discipline is like, so craft these rules to suit your thesis work.

[appleteez]

Heartbreaking Smile

Pairing: Wooyoung x reader

Genre: angst

Word count: 978

𝙰 𝙽𝚎𝚠 𝙳𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗

His voice was resonating in my head. It had been now a full week, and one of the last phrases he had said to me was still stuck in my head like an annoying song.

*“See, I don’t get it. You have everything to become an idol and you choose to go for data scientist. You kinda did it to yourself.”*

I didn’t break up with Wooyoung, not officially at least, but my life had gotten quieter without him in it. No more late night calls to go get food at 3AM. Not more loud library session. No more going to K-nights to watch all of his shows. Weirdly enough, no more smiling either. I sigh and start rubbing the back of my head.

“You ok there? You’ve been staring at this poster for the past fifteen minutes. I’m not exaggerating, I was looking at the clock this whole time.” I turn and see the assistant of the academic advisor lobby looking at me truly concern. I raise my eyebrows and look back at the said poster.

“My friends put this one up, they need a vocalist for their group.”

“Do you want to join it?”

“No, I’m a data scientist major.” I laugh as if the idea was absolutely ridiculous.

“Y/N?” I turn my head, this time it’s my academic advisor that comes out of a hallway. “You ready?” She smiles at me and I nod. I follow her to her office and the little meeting starts. “Alright, let’s see what we have here.” She says as she scrolls through her screen. “So you requested this meeting because one of your class is getting difficult right?”

“I think I want to switch majors.” My mouth acts before my brain has time to stop it.

“Oh?! Well that’s.. that’s a completely different subject then. What would you be interested in?” Don’t say it, don’t say it..

“Idol?” Idiot.

*“You have everything to become an idol and you choose to go for data scientist.”*

“Well, you are in your first semester as a sophomore. You have to be in a group or declare solo artist by the end of second semester as a sophomore. Do you have a plan?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“I have some friends that created a group.. It’s called Zero.”

“Zero? Y/N, that’s one of the best rookie group on campus.”

“I know, they’re still looking for one more vocalist.”

“You think you could fill that spot?”

“I know I can. I—I graduated top vocalist of my class..”

“I guess I can organize an audition for you. I’m guessing you’re gonna specialize as vocalist?” So many thoughts went through my head. The idol majors were so different. Most double majored. Between vocalist, dance, rap, producers.

“What would be best for performance?”

“Zero is indeed a performance group. Powerful dancers and stable vocalists and rappers. Not even mentioning how they’re self produced. They all graduated from top schools.” It felt like she was trying to tell me I was shooting too high to begin as an idol.

“I know, I graduated with most of them.” I cut her dry and she looks taken aback.

“Alright then.” She smiles. “Let me look at the next auditions.” She scrolls around a bit on her computer, then finally. “Ok, looks like you can audition as soon as this weekend. Saturday, at the auditorium in the music department. Third floor of the music building. This is a walk in audition, so be there on time to get a good spot. I’ll write down the informations for you.” Once she finishes to write the informations needed, I leave the building a little more light. As if a huge huge weight had been taken off my shoulders. I take out my phone and start dialing my friend’s number.

*”Yo~”*

“Hey, it’s me.”

*“Y/N! Oh my god for real?? I’m kidding, I see your face when you call me dummy. What’s up?”*

“You still looking for a—“

*“OH MY GOD !!!! YOU WANT TO JOIN ZERO ???? GUYYYS !!! Y/N FINALLY SAID YES SHE’S JOINING !!!!”*

*”FUCK YES !!!”* I hear some exclamations in the background.

*”You literally said that at the fucking right time. We are in the middle of a collab with Ateez and we were so desperate for one last member.”*

“A—A what now? Ateez?” I lag for a second.

*“Wooyoung didn’t have a partner. It’s perfect because you guys use to dance together. God, this cannot go more perfectly~ Come to the practice room right now. We’re waiting for you. The usual one.”* She hangs up. What have I done..

---

The door in front of me seems impossible to open. My hand lightly touching the round knob I take a deep breath in and out.

“Y/N !!! THE DOOR IS TRANSPARENT WE CAN SEE YOU !!” I look up and see blurry figured through the indeed blurry but transparent glass. I finally turn the knob and go inside the room. All the girls smile at me and I try to smile back.

“Alriight~ Yunho is going to show us what the choreography is going to look like with his partner.” He smiles at my friend as the music starts. We all stand on the side so they are the only one in the video.

“So.. is it just a pass time or are you switching majors?” Wooyoung leans towards me whispering.

“I don’t know yet.” I say a worried look on my face. Since I had entered the room, I haven’t seen his face once, but considering the circumstances, I can’t avoid him forever. I turn my face to look at him, but he was still close from whispering to me. I back away a little surprised, and smile at him awkwardly. He just smiles back, such a sad smile.

It broke my heart.

[five-rivers]

Reflection

Tucker passed in front of a mirror and stopped, did a double take. He'd been doing that a lot, lately, ever since what he and his friends referred to as the 'Egypt incident.' He raised one hand and traced a line under his eye, his lower eyelashes ruffling.

"You checking your eyeliner, Fol-ey?" asked Dash, bumping into him, rudely.

Tucker avoided stabbing himself in the eye and caught himself on the sink. He frowned at the reflection of the jocks in the mirror and scanned the locker room for Danny. Alas, his best friend must still be running punishment laps in the gym.

"Looking for Wimp-ton to save you? That's pretty pathetic," said Dash, jabbing Tucker again.

Tucker spun to face them and started to back away. He wondered if it would be okay to fight back under these circumstances, or if he would get in trouble. Because Tucker could fight. Maybe not as well as Sam and Danny, he was more the tech guy of their group, but all of them could throw a punch. Heck, Tucker could pull back a bow and put an arrow into the center of a target a hundred feet away. That took arm strength.

If he fought Dash, he'd probably win.

But fighting was generally frowned upon at school and with the other jocks as witnesses... Yeah, that wouldn't pan out well. His parents would take his side, but he didn't want to get a bad reputation with the teachers. One of the trio had to stay on their good side. Obviously it couldn't be Danny, and Sam was too argumentative, so it fell to him.

He sighed. Well, he could take a punch, too, if it came to that. He took off his glasses and put them on the back of the sink.

"What're you doing that for?" asked Dash.

"Good glasses are expensive, Dash," said Tucker, flatly, glaring up at the taller boy. "They're also made of glass. I don't want to be wearing them if you decide to hit me in the face."

Dash stared down at him, as though seeing him for the first time. He humphed. "You take all the fun out of it," he complained. "Come on, guys," he said to the other jocks, leading a parade out of the locker room. Tucker sighed and looked back at the mirror.

Eyeliner, huh? Dash probably would have been surprised to find out that Tucker had thought that he'd seen eye makeup on his face. Kohl. No. Not kohl. That was a recent word, and not completely accurate. Mesdemet for the black. Udju for the green. He blinked, unsure where the words had come from.

No, he knew where the words had come from. He just didn't want to think about it.

Danny stumbled into the room, banging the door behind him. "Hi," he said, waving at Tucker. He paused. "Are you okay? You look kind of..." Danny trailed off and shrugged.

"I'm fine," said Tucker. "Just talked my way out of getting beaten up by Dash."

"What, really?" asked Danny, his eyes flickering over Tucker. "Are you sure you're fine? He didn't hit you?"

"Nope. I'm really fine."

He hoped.

.

The archery club met right after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, regularly, contrasting with the computer club, which met 'whenever' and 'online.' Usually, meetings coincided with Danny getting detention and Sam's activist stuff. Tucker thought of these afternoons as their 'alone time.' Otherwise, they were, well, not quite joined at the hip, but...

It was a near thing.

Tucker wouldn't have minded if Sam and Danny did join the archery club (or the computer club, for that matter), but it could be nice to have some time away, so that he could sort through certain thoughts. Thoughts such as: What was happening to him?

Because he really had thought that he had thrown off the influence of Duulaman's ghost, or that weird staff, or Hotep-Ra, or whatever had been going on that week, and yet, here he was, over a week later, hallucinating himself wearing Egyptian makeup, of all things.

He squared himself on the edge of the archer range and checked that it was clear. The other members of the club were working with the closer targets. Tucker thought that he would challenge himself today. He pulled back.

The thing was, at the end, when Hotep-Ra was gone, and Tucker was back to himself, he had been able to use that staff, the Scarab Scepter, to return everything to normal. He wasn't sure he should have been. He had no idea how that staff worked. Yet, in that moment he had.

And he did look an awful lot like Duulaman.

"You're doing great today, Foley!" called the club advisor from across the range. "Are you sure you don't want to shoot competitively?"

Tucker rolled his eyes. "I'm sure!" Then he caught sight of his arrows. They were all clustered neatly in the bullseye.

The hairs on the back of his neck stood up. Tucker was good. He wasn't, quite, that good. Not at this range. But, in the moment, as he was shooting, he hadn't registered anything as being unusual. He remembered looking at them as he was aiming, so he wasn't just spacing out.

Archery was practiced in Ancient Egypt, wasn't it? He remembered seeing murals. He remembered the sun shining down on his shoulders as his entourage...

... What?

Tucker frowned. This wasn't going to go away, was it?

.

The computer screen cast Tucker's dark bedroom in a blue light. The only sound was him typing away at the keyboard.

Tucker didn't want to worry Danny and Sam. Mostly Danny. He had enough to deal with without worrying that his best friends was going to go crazy and try to kill him. Again.

He cringed. He did not have the best track record when it came to that particular thing. Then again, neither did anyone else close to Danny.

Hence not wanting to worry Danny.

Maybe he should talk to Sam, though. Out of everyone he knew, she was the only one who'd been mind controlled in a similar way. She hadn't said anything about having hallucinations post-Undergrowth, but, then, she wouldn't, would she? Sam had the same reasons Tucker did for keeping quiet.

Tucker made a face at himself. It was probably a sign that their relationship wasn't as healthy as it looked, keeping secrets from each other like this. But... he knew Danny kept secrets. They all did, and they were fine with it. So, Tucker or Sam keeping secrets was fine, too.

As long as it didn't turn into murder attempts. That was not fine.

Tucker slipped his fingers under his glasses to rub his eyes and returned his attention to the screen. He was researching Duulaman, and had dived deep into the academic side of the internet. He'd come up against a dozen paywalls and dismissed them all with a few keystrokes.

Duulaman. Pharaoh of Kemet. A descendant of Hatshepsut and an ancestor of Tutankhamen. He had been a fairly progressive member of his family, restoring several of Hatshepsut's monuments after other of his ancestors had done their best to destroy them, making laws concerning the treatment of slaves and foreigners, and forging peace with neighboring countries. He had been well-liked, his popularity having been attested to even years after his death by inscriptions in other graves, praying that their inhabitants would find themselves under Duulaman's rule in the afterlife. He'd been famed for his athletic and magical abilities.

Sadly, academic publications were as skeptical about magic as they were about ghosts.

Tucker rubbed his eyes again.

Duulaman had been murdered. According to his brother, the pharaoh who had succeeded him, the deed had been done by an advisor whose name and image had been systematically removed from everything.

Probably Hotep-Ra. That fit with the ghost's whole thing, and the fact that Tucker couldn't find any information on him.

After another relatively fruitless hour, Tucker pried himself from the chair and went to bed.

.

He turned the fine silver mirror over in his hands, contemplating its polished surface. It had been a 'gift' from a Mitanni noble, and had carried a brutal curse into the heart of Kemet, but the curse was loose, now, wound around his very soul, and the mirror itself was merely a harmless, empty vessel.

One that Duulaman could learn from. He ran his fingers along the strange symbols scored on the outer edge of the mirror.

If his advisors would stop arguing for just a moment.

"We must attack at once!" said Hotep-Ra. "This insult against the person of god cannot be borne!"

"But it is harvest season," objected another. "We cannot afford to take the men from the fields. There would be famine!"

"Hotep-Ra," said Duulaman, softly, "brother of my heart, it was not even their king that sent this. Would you raze their whole kingdom and force a tragedy on their own for the sake of one man?"

"One who attacked you and our kingdom through dread magics?" asked Hotep-Ra. "Yes, my pharaoh."

"Then perhaps it is good that I am pharaoh. I know that you love me, but I have no desire for war. Even so," he said, raising his voice, "I have sent certain persons to correct the problem, and my brother has borne a letter to the Mitanni king, explaining the situation. It is true that this assault on our kingdom cannot be suffered quietly."

The advisors took that in. Duulaman turned to the Priestess of Mut and tried not to squint. She was just far enough away that he had trouble seeing her. Sadly, none of his magic had yet succeeded in giving him the eyes of a hawk, but he yet had hope.

"What say you about the curse?" he asked.

Duulaman was a powerful priest in his own right, favored by the gods and his ancestors, but he valued other opinions. Being the focus of the curse might have blinded him to certain aspects of its function.

The priestess bowed. "It is as we first feared," she said. "It binds your great soul, so that you may not pass into the green fields of the Duat when it is your time to do so. Instead, it decrees that, when you die, you must suffer to be born into a common line, far from your rightfully exalted place."

"And for Kemet? For my line?"

The priestess, an experienced woman who had served Duulaman's father, actually trembled. "That, whence your second life reaches the age of reason, you shall understand, and you shall see the last of the Pharaohs come to ruin, all our temples abandoned save for nonbelievers, your descendants crushed or cast into obscurity, your name stricken from history, and your tomb robbed by foreigners. She dooms you to watch the slow decay."

This was about what Duulaman had expected. He closed his eyes, pained. If only he had been more careful opening the box... but he had assumed it to be from Hotep-Ra, or his brother, or one of his sisters, for it had been among other, like gifts.

"I see. Fear not. I will take care of it. Kemet shall not fall within our lifetimes."

The relief in the room was palpable. They had faith in Duulaman's power.

Alas, that it might come to naught.

.

Tucker woke with a jolt, hand on his heart. He looked around wildly, relaxing when he saw the acid green numbers on his bedside clock. He was here. He was now. He was Tucker.

And it wasn't even time to wake up for school.

Wait. It was Saturday. He wouldn't have to wake up for school anyway.

Alright. So he might have, thousands of years ago, been Duulaman. Fine. He laid back down, breathing through his nose. He dealt with ghosts on a daily basis. He could deal with reincarnation. This was cool. This was fine.

He was definitely having a crisis.

Crap.

He fumbled for his phone, and hit the speed dial for Danny. Danny never slept anyway, it was fine. Besides, stuff like this was why Sam had bought him a phone (a Nokia brick, because ghost fights) in the first place. Dead people were Danny's specialty.

"What's wrong?" asked Danny, far too alert for the small hours of the morning.

"I think I might be Duulaman," said Tucker.

There was a beat of silence. "Yeah?" said Danny, confused.

"Like, I'm a reincarnation of him or something."

"Yeah?" repeated Danny. "I thought that was the whole reason you could use that staff and stuff?"

"Wait," said Tucker. "You mean, you knew all along, and you didn't say anything?"

"I thought you knew and didn't want to talk about it," said Danny. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm just having weird Kem- Egypt flashbacks. I'm fine."

"Do you want me to fly over?"

"No," said Tucker. "I just- Am I still me?"

"I mean, you're you to begin with. You are yourself. That's like, definitional."

"Yeah, but..." Tucker gestured at his ceiling with his hand, even though Danny couldn't see it.

Danny chuckled. "You're still you, Tucker. I know Sam and I aren't always super sensitive, but... We do pay attention, you know? We'd know if you were being taken over. Maybe not right away, but..."

"Thanks," said Tucker, with only a little bit of sarcasm.

"Hey, I like to think we've all come a long way since the thing with Poindexter."

"True," said Tucker. "Hey, thanks, man. I'm sorry about waking you up."

"Don't worry," said Danny. "You didn't. I'd just caught Boxy when you called."

"Oh. That's good. Get some sleep, Danny."

"You, too. Tell me what Egypt was like tomorrow, okay?"

"Kemet," corrected Tucker. "And, yeah. Bye."

.

"What are you doing?" demanded Hotep-Ra.

Duulaman turned away from his ritual tools and fixed an un-amused eye on Hotep-Ra. "I may have made it your place to question me," said Duulaman, "but I thought I had made my decision on this matter clear. The method your faction proposed is too uncertain, too risky."

"I have made a mirror," said Hotep-Ra, "one that will recognize your soul in whatever body it should take. With it, we could search all of Kemet for you when you are reborn and then lay you properly to rest, as you deserve, before the curse comes to fruition."

"And if I should be born in lands beyond?"

"Then we should look there, too!"

"Starting all sorts of wars on the way, no doubt. Tell me, brother of my heart, what is the difference between the young man who falls in war, whose body is left for the crows, and the old man who is buried peacefully, and who will find joy in the Duat?"

"The devotion of his family!" responded Hotep-Ra instantly.

Duulaman shook his head sadly and looked back to his tools, touching them softly. He had already completed the ritual that would force the curse to carry his soul thousands of years into the future. By the time his next life reached the age of reason, there would be no pharaohs for the curse to affect. And if there were? Well, it would have been a good long time, and the curse would have weakened significantly. Perhaps even to the point of unraveling.

"No, Hotep-Ra. The difference between a tragedy and a happy ending is time. All kingdoms fall. All civilizations fade."

"Not this one."

"Even this one. The only questions are when and how."

"No," said Hotep-Ra. "No. Never!"

Duulaman felt, rather than heard, the scrape of metal against oiled leather and reached for his staff, which lay across from him, on the other side of his ritual. He was too late. He had trusted Hotep-Ra too much, let him get too close, and he felt the bronze knife slide between his ribs. His eyelids fluttered as his hands groped up his chest.

He was dying.

"I will see you, in the next life," he whispered, blood bubbling in his throat.

And then he was gone.

.

It was bright when Tucker woke again.

He felt... oddly calm. It was nice to know that he had succeeded in out-waiting the fall of Pharaonic Egypt, even though the fact that it was gone made his heart shiver.

Well. He pulled his phone over, and texted Danny. I know what it feels like to die, now, he said. Maybe they'd be able to bond over it. Or Danny would give him some coping pointers, since Tucker was pretty sure he'd have at least one breakdown over this. Either one would be good.

He stood up and walked to the bathroom. His reflection stared back, completely normal. No weird eye shadow, no Egyptian clothes, just Tucker and his pajamas.

Behind it stretched miles and miles of sand.

[liones-s]

First-Year Uni Survival Tips

ACADEMIC

Read the syllabus and make a calendar. Mark down assignments and quizzes so they don’t take you by surprise. 

Prioritize key assignments. Once things get heavy, you might not be able to get everything done to your standards. Make quizzes and assignments a priority, and let readings and supplementary work come second. 

There are two types of readings - essential and supplementary. Essential readings won't be covered again during lecture, but you’re expected to know the material. try to keep up with these each week, otherwise they can get stressful right before the exam. 

Supplementary readings often overlap with lecture material but go more in-depth. They’re intended to strengthen your understanding and/or be useful in essay assignments. Supplementary readings are a lower-priority option, so if you find yourself getting overwhelmed, it’s okay to let go of doing these and focus on quizzes and assignments. I've missed out on doing supplementary material and still gotten As in the class. When in doubt, ask your TA or prof whether this material will be on the exam

Don't sit next to people who talk during lectures. Even if they’re your friends. 

Talk to your prof. They can’t gauge your workload or how you’re feeling unless you talk to them. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, they’re usually happy to take a few minutes and talk about strategies for success. Remember that they want you to do well in their course - it reflects poorly on them if students are struggling. 

Earlier is better to bring up concerns - if there’s something you don’t understand, or if you’re struggling with an assignment and are wondering about extensions, it’s always better to talk to your TA a week in advance rather than a day before

Failure isn’t the end. You can fail a quiz and still get an A in the class. You can fail an exam and still pass the class. You can fail an entire course and still get your degree. Failure feels huge during your first year because you haven’t had a chance yet to see yourself survive these things. If you’re struggling in school and it's got you feeling really down, please reach out. Talk to your friends, your school counsellor, talk to me. Please don’t give up. The world is really big. 

SOCIAL

You might not make friends in class. That’s fine. Adjusting takes time, and you don’t always bond with your seat mates.

Check out clubs early in the year. You might find later that your workload is too heavy to regularly attend meetings, but going to the first few meetings is a great way to connect with people who have similar interests.

Study group. Great if you have anxiety because there’s already an established activity and conversation topic so you don’t have to come up with stuff to say. 

You will find people like you. Uni is huge. Sure, there will be people with friends from high school, but there will also be a ton of people who don’t know anyone, people with a diverse range of interests and comfort levels and skills. It might take time to find the ones you mesh with, but you will.

SURVIVAL (aka food)

If you live off-campus, bring lunch from home. Student cafe food adds up real fast.

Food is always, always, always cheaper in Chinatown. Find a market (if there’s one that has it’s own farm supply this is great) and stock up on basics. Buy stuff when it’s on sale. 

If you’re too tired to cook, just eat the ingredients. Handfuls of lettuce are just as good as salad. 

Go to the free food events. I've gone to a ton of student mixers just to get the food and leave. Let go of the concept of shame, don’t get stressed about socializing or talking. If you’ve got anxiety just get that bread and leave.

SCHOOL RESOURCES

The registrar’s office - for when you don’t know where to go. I massively fucked up and had a day left to pay my tuition and it took two weeks to process. I went to the registrar’s office and they let me pay there without late fees. These people might not always have the answers you need, but they can tell you where to go. 

Student advisors. The people who help you figure out the credits you need, the weird course options, the stuff you can’t find on the website. They might be called something else (program advisor, academic advisor, etc.) - the registrar’s office will know. 

The walk-in clinic. Good if you don’t have insurance and need to get checked out. 

[cancerbiophd]

Hey, I am rotating in a cancer bio lab, this will be my third one. The first two worked around my class schedule very well, but for the first semester, these classes are everything. In my third rotation, my PI expects a lot of me in the short time I'm there, and I am working 6-10 hours there every day. This leaves me almost no time to study or do classwork. She knows how much work these classes are, because she used to teach it. Any advice to help me have less stress?

Hello Anon! Ahh I totally understand your frustration. I remember how demanding and absolutely time-consuming (and very important, as you mentioned!) those grad school classes were, and how stressful it was to balance all that and lab work. 

It took me a while to answer this because it really is a difficult problem to tackle. A PI demanding a lot from the rotating student at the expense of the students’ grades in class should not be the norm. Most PIs understand that a rotating student isn’t there primarily to generate mountains of usable data; their priority is to get a feel for how they fit with the lab, and vice versa. So I guess what I’m trying to say: you’re doing amazing, and your PI shouldn’t be treating you this way. 

But I think I’ve thought of a few things you could try (which does not encompass every route you could take), and you can see which one you’re most comfortable doing, or if they give you any other ideas to try. 

The first question you’ll need to ask yourself is whether there’s a chance you’ll want to select this lab as your dissertation lab. I think this is a very important decision, because if you do want to stay, you’ll have to consider options that are more long-term. In other words, staying in this lab may require more energy on your part in finding a schedule that works for both your grades, your research, and your life outside of the lab if your PI appears to have less emphasis on work-class-life-balance. 

If you know you won’t be continuing on in this lab after your rotation is done, you only have to work with a short-term solution. By no means do I mean slack off or not do your research or make a bad impression, of course--but it’ll be more like a sprint than a marathon. 

Once you’ve decided that, here are some options to consider:

Work with your PI to set goals together. Sometimes PIs are super far-removed from classes (even if they teach them) because time makes us all forget the finer details, like how much work it actually takes to study for an exam! And some may just not understand that just because they have photographic memory and never needed to study, doesn’t mean everyone else is like them. Therefore it’s important to communicate with your PI about your limitations and boundaries. If your PI tells you do X, Y, and Z by Friday, counter back with: “Due to my course-load, I may not be able to complete all those tasks by the deadline. If that’s the case, which of those 3 should I prioritize my time on?” and/or “I can get X and Y done by Friday, but I will need until next Wednesday to finish Z.” I think these are very professional ways to reach a compromise. 

Ask for more help from other lab members. Seeing how we can’t freeze time or clone ourselves, sometimes the only way to get more done in a limited amount of time is to get more bodies on the task. When I’m new to a group, I will ask the PI/my boss “If I need help with these tasks, who should I go to?” A lab is a team with a common goal, so I hope yours will see that to help one person is to help everyone. Going off of the first example, you can respond, “Sure, I can get X, Y, and Z done by Friday, but I will need help. Is there anyone in the lab who can help me with ____?” (And if the answer is “no”, that’s something to consider when deciding which lab to ultimately join.)

Say no to any new tasks until you’ve finished your current ones. In lab you can say something like, “I would like to first finish these experiments before moving on. Can we table this until next week?” or “Ok I’ll put this on my to-do list, but I don’t have time for it this week.” or simply a “I don’t have the time to do this.” This also applies to stuff outside of lab as well, like any extra-curriculars or social events. I also think this is a good skill/habit to have throughout one’s life too, but especially in grad school where PIs are just constantly sprouting out new project ideas without any consideration as to how to pause time so we can do it all.

Ask for extensions for lab tasks when you need it. It’s ok to ask for a few more days. Time in academic research can work differently--milestones tend to move a lot slower, and a difference of a few days hardly makes a huge impact down the line. So unless it’s a hard deadline (like data for a grant submission), it’s ok to let your PI know “Hey, I’m working as hard as I can on this, but I did not anticipate some of the set-backs so I’ll need until ____ to get the data to you.” 

Multitask (but smartly). Do you have small but recurring “downtime” during your experiments that you can use for studying? When I ran Western blots, I would have five 5-min washes throughout the day, and that was 25 min of time I sometimes spent reading for class, or even doing small tasks like catching up on emails. Definitely use those natural “breaks” in lab to your advantage if you’re able. 

Block off more time before and after classes to spend away from the lab. Since you have to leave for class anyway, you can try to squeeze more out of it. Maybe like, leave lab 30 min earlier for class, then come back to the lab 30 min later--that’s 1 full hour! If people in lab (ie. your PI) pry, just tell them you like to give yourself the opportunity to meet with the professors before/after class if necessary (not a lie, because it could be true!). Or you can set up a legit mini-study-session with classmates during those times to review materials before/after class. If 30 min is too long, even 15 min before and after is a good chunk of time. 

Ask for advice from someone who’s had experience with situations like these. This includes other grad students (the ones already in this current lab would be a good place to start, as they’ve surely been-there-done-that) and your program advisor/coordinator who’s had years of experience mediating these conflicts. It may not stop your PI from being demanding, but they could give you pointers on how best to handle it. 

And with the time you do have to study, be sure to be as efficient as possible. I know you’re already doing the best you can, but if there are any aspects of your study routine you think could be improved upon, now’s a good time to implement those changes. There are many ways to do this, including study groups, seeking additional resources like educational videos and help from professors/TAs, etc. Work smart, not hard, right?

My last bit of advice is: Make your grades in those classes your priority over the lab rotation. Some, if not all, programs have very strict rules on grades lower than B’s, and it could jeopardize your chances of remaining in the program. Here’s another way to look at it: you can choose to not stay in your current rotational lab, and perhaps even have minimal contact with that PI for the rest of your grad school career; but you can not choose to not have a grade affect your academic records and/or place in the program. 

Good luck anon. I hope this helped a bit and it all goes well for you!

If anyone else has ever experienced something similar in grad school and have any additional advice, please feel free to help reply to/reblog this post! Thanks!

[whentherewerebicycles]

hi! i wanted to say i love reading your reflections on teaching, and in general i really look up to/am inspired by your thoughts regarding education and academia. if it's not too much to ask (completely understandable if it is, in that case please disregard!) i would love to get your advice on college related things?

i had pretty significant academic struggles throughout grade school, and ended up dropping out of college after a year. i would've graduated this may, so lately i've been considering going back and finishing my bachelor's. but i've been waffling on this decision because of 1) anxiety about having to drop out again, and 2) some confusion about what i actually want to study. i guess i'm wondering, is it worth it to start from scratch? my struggles were mostly about mental health stuff & difficulty keeping up with coursework—i loved being in the classroom, working with professors, learning from other students. i like being challenged intellectually, but if i have issues with followthrough, is there a way to work on that??? i know these are Big Questions, lol--whether they are answerable or not, cheers and thank you and i hope you are doing well these days. <3

hey! happy to give my thoughts, for what they're worth. you know your situation better than i do so the specifics may or may not be relevant, but i can give some advice just based on seeing lots of students pass through four-year programs!

i've worked with a number of students who took time away from college and came back to finish later. i took a year off myself in the middle of college for mental health reasons, though my school allowed you to take a two-semester leave of absence for any reason (so i always had the safety net of knowing i could come back without having to reapply or start over). in my experience, time away is almost always a good thing. sometimes people just really need that break from the stressors of the college environment! but more importantly, i think people benefit from having a few years' experience living and working in the world.

even though it can be intimidating to come back to college as an older student, i think older students or nontraditional students who took time off and came back tend to underestimate how much more confident and assured in themselves they'll be once they're back in the classroom. working out in the world for a while, even if it's not a job that you especially love or feel is relevant to your long-term goals, tends to help you build more trust in your own ability to get stuff done, manage responsibilities, and be an adult person in the world. in your time away, you've probably grown more than you think, and you may find that some of the things you struggled with at 18 just don't feel as daunting anymore. or they might feel daunting, but you also have more experience talking and working with other people, and you may feel more confident in seeking out & using your college's various academic success resources.

have you considered a two-year college as a possible next step? one of my advisees this year was an adult student who went to college for a year, dropped out, served in the military for four years, came back to do an associate's degree, and decided he liked school enough that he wanted to transfer to our university and finish his degree. (now he's going on to do a phd next fall!!!!) he's one of the most passionate advocates for community colleges i've ever met, and he's stayed actively involved in our local CC community & now mentors recent transfer students at our university. he's talked at length about how CCs are this amazing way for students to explore their interests without having to take on the huge price tag of a four-year degree, within a learning community that's much warmer, more responsive to student needs, and more accepting of the diverse paths that lead people to & through higher education. i wonder if you might consider taking a semester or a year of courses at your local CC, to dip your toes back in and see if you're still feeling energized by the experience.

you might find that some of the courses aren't intellectually challenging enough, but this might also be a wonderful opportunity to create the kind of learning experience you want to have. i was a full-time community college student for a year during my year away from yale, and while i'm sure i was just INSUFFERABLE in many ways, i had a prof in my Western Civ course who was really generous with his time/energy and met with me outside of class to help me figure out how to make the papers into something that i found really exciting and challenging to write. so the class kind of became what i made of it, and i got to read some stuff (dostoevsky!!!) that sent me down all kinds of interesting unexpected rabbitholes. the former CC grad i mentioned above was an extraordinarily bright student who would always go to office hours and ask his profs for more recommended readings, and he ended up becoming a TA for one of his courses and helped them redesign basically their entire intro humanities curriculum as a student advisor. so your CC experience can absolutely be what you make of it. and even if your profs can't give you that kind of support, you could practice doing it for yourself, setting little challenges for yourself either focused on the intellectual aspects ('I'm going to read and cite two scholarly sources in this paper, even though it's not required') or on developing strategies for effectively managing the workload ('I'm going to schedule a writing center appointment on Thurs, so I have to finish this paper two days before the deadline—and then I can devote my weekend study time to practicing for my Spanish test').

CC would be a slightly lower stakes environment for you to try out college again— lower-stakes both in the sense that it's cheaper (so if you decide you don't want to continue, you're not out as much money / don't feel compelled to go on to justify the debt you've taken on) and in the sense that the workload might be more manageable for you as you readjust to academic life and build systems & structures that work for you. as you probably have gathered from this blog, i am a HUGE believer in doing lower-stakes things many times over to build your own confidence and your trust in yourself, and then gradually scaling up the difficulty. by the time you reach the hard thing, you've already built up this strong image of yourself as a person who can handle challenges (and you've also had the chance to identify areas where you struggle & experiment with developing workable solutions).

if a two-year college isn't something you're especially interested in, i think it's definitely possible to start a four-year degree again. if that's the path you choose, i would strongly recommend reaching out to students in some of the degree programs you're tentatively interested in. people are almost always happy to share their ~wisdom~ (see: this ask response, lol) and most people love being asked for their thoughts on the pros and cons of something they know well. so you could get an honest sense from students of what the program is like, what the workload is like, and how useful or engaging people find the required courses for the degree. but also know that it's pretty normal to take courses all over in your first year or two (you have the advantage of having done a freshman year before, so you probably know this!), so you might just want to plan to try out a bunch of different things, with the goal of narrowing your focus by the end of your first year, or midway through your second.

i would also HIGHLY recommend spending lots of time familiarizing yourself with the resources your university has to offer. learn everything you can about the kind of mental health counseling and support they offer to students, and see if there are things you can set up in advance for yourself before you even step foot on campus. for instance, our university offers individual counseling, but they also have free groups that meet every week or two around different topics (coping with stress, students in recovery, etc) that are led by a counselor. check out your university's writing center or peer tutoring centers, too, and set up a standing appointment once a month or once a week or whatever, to bring in something you're working on—so that you know that every week, you're going to talk with someone about what's going well and what you're struggling with in your assignments.

you might also want to look into your university's services for students with disabilities office, as they can help you figure out if you are eligible for various kinds of accommodations or additional support (extra time on exams, notetaking services, recorded lectures, etc). i know you mentioned that you've dealt with academic struggles in grade school, too. if you think it's possible that there may be underlying learning differences that are affecting your academic work, it might be worth seeing if they can help you find lower-cost testing, so you can get a diagnosis that qualifies you for additional accommodations and university support.

many schools, esp large public universities, also have resource centers and mentoring programs for students from specific demographics who may benefit from additional structure and support in their early years of college. my university has a variety of resource centers and programs for students from low-income backgrounds, first-gen students, students who transferred from community college, etc. you don't have to take advantage of ALL of these resources, but proactively establishing a support network long before you need it is a really good way to set yourself up for success. and even just doing the research will probably help you feel more confident in your capacity to 'follow through', since you'll know that you're going into this with your eyes wide open AND with a detailed plan for what to do if you run into some of the same obstacles you encountered the first time around.

speaking of detailed plans: i find it helpful sometimes to do IF-THEN exercises with students when they're stressed about something on the horizon or unsure about whether they can handle some new challenge. IF-THEN is just what it sounds like: 'IF this thing I'm nervous about happens, THEN I'm going to do X, Y, or Z.' what i like about this exercise (i use it with myself too aha) is that it acknowledges that sometimes the thing you're dreading DOES happen. sometimes the professor you emailed for an extension says no. sometimes the TA doesn't understand why you're confused about the assignment. sometimes you don't have time to finish the reading before class. sometimes you overschedule yourself and you have to pull an all-nighter to finish two papers on the same night. scary things, confidence-shaking things, happen all the time, but they are rarely fatal! and there can be something really powerful about acknowledging and naming the thing you're concerned about, and then generating a few next steps you could take, should the thing you're dreading come to pass. i could see you doing something like this as you start thinking about the things that tripped you up last time, or made it difficult for you to balance the workload. if X happens, then what could you try next? giving yourself a few options means that you already have backup plans, too, which can make the whole situation less terrifying. if this happens, i might have to try this, or this, or this, and those things might not be the most fun or the easiest to do or the 'best' thing academically, but they'll get me through this difficult moment mostly in one piece, and once i'm through it i can look back on it and learn from it, or adjust the structures i've built for myself moving forward, to reduce the chance that X happens again.

PHEW!!! sorry this got so long but that is just the RISK YOU TAKE when sending me anons 😅 i hope that some of this is helpful to you, or at least sparks some useful thinking for you, even if it's not all directly applicable to your situation. i would say that if you love learning and find being in the classroom exhilarating, then you should absolutely go back to college! but that doesn't mean you have to go back right away, or that you have to go back and do it exactly the same way you did the first time. there are lots of possible paths to higher ed, and there's no particular rush—college will always be there, if it's something you decide you want now or at some future point in your life. i would also just reiterate again one of the core Themes of This Blog, which is that the brain is NEUROPLASTIC, and that humans have a truly astounding amazing capacity to change, grow, and learn new things (including new ways of getting around old obstacles or working through old challenges). just because you struggled the first time doesn't mean you are doomed to repeat that pattern. if you can spend some time thoughtfully reflecting on what you found most difficult to manage the first time through, you are better equipped to make plans, design new structures for yourself, and build the support networks that will help you thrive in college.