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amongemeraldclouds · 7 months ago
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spoiler alert
Life can be complicated when you possess a rare kind of magic: the ability to see your future with someone upon meeting them. A chance encounter with Mattheo Riddle reveals more than you bargained for.
(Choose your own ending)
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Mattheo Riddle x f!Reader
Warning: Mostly angst, some fluff, no use of y/n
✿ Masterlist | 1k words
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You cradled the warm cup of tea in your hands as you made your way up the Astronomy Tower, careful not to spill any drop. It was a clear evening, the cool breeze floated lazily through the sky and the stars twinkled brightly. It was the perfect spot to unwind from the pressures of the day.
As you neared the arched balcony, a small orange glow caught your attention. Someone else was here, smoking. He turned upon hearing your footsteps approach.
“Hey stranger,” he called out. You took in his features, curly hair and bright eyes with a lopsided smirk, he was adorable.
“I’m Mattheo, care to smoke with me?” He asked, offering a fresh one from his pack of cigarettes.
You felt it then, magic coursing through your veins from the encounter. Time slowed down as it always did, vague images flashed in your mind and the all knowing voice of your future self spoke to you:
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I tried to find all the words to tell you about this boy and how much you’ll love him. Oh the adventures you’ll have together and all the ways it will break your heart. One day you’re sixteen and you’re falling in love for the first time. Everything feels new and exciting. The warm buzzing in your veins when Mattheo bumps into your shoulder and runs his hand through your hair to brush off a leaf that fell. As if, as if. You’ll know it’s just an excuse but you won’t mind it at all. You’ll spend countless evenings in the Astronomy Tower, you with your tea and him with his cigarettes. You’ll talk for hours even though you’ll never remember every word you exchange. It’s enough to get to know him and hear his voice, a melody you’ll want to keep as the soundtrack to your life. You’ll find yourself spinning at the Yule Ball in a lovely dress feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world. You’ll laugh with him, his hand placed perfectly on your waist, bodies flush as you danced in sync, as if you were made just for each other. His other hand in yours, firm and warm as if he’ll never let go. Of course you had grown up with magic, it belonged in the air like oxygen and it sang in your bones. So you’ll wonder how it’s possible that the world is even more magical when you’re around him? Fast forward to when your wedding dress is tucked away at the back of your closet and his vows are on a crumpled paper in a drawer somewhere.
He’ll be good at forgetting dates and breaking promises. Too busy with his plans and ambitions, none of them will seem to include you anymore.
You’ll be good at forgiveness and do overs. After all, his jagged words and actions will be served in bite sized pieces so you’ll think you can stomach it all. You won’t realize it until your friend tells you that you smile less and stopped talking about your goals. You’ll figure out too late that you hacked away who you were to fit into his life, a wild hedge now perfectly manicured in his front lawn. You’ll tell him what you need, afraid you’re asking for too much. That you are too much. He’ll reassure you he can do better and for a while he does. Spoiler alert: it never lasts long. But here now, you are sixteen and evergreen. The stars are bright and so are your eyes. Your heart burns with dreams unrealized and passions you have yet to discover. Don’t take it for granted. My love, life is short but if you stay where you’re unhappy, life becomes insufferably too long.
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You blink as the quiet returned and time resumed its course. The cool wind caressing your face brought you back to the present. You took a deep breath, warding off the looming nausea in your head. You’ve never seen that far off in the future before, someone potentially so significant in your life.
A crossroad: Do you choose to stay or leave? Scroll down for your answer.
Stay
“Well hi Mattheo, it’s nice to meet you,” you say as you walked towards him and introduced yourself. You take him up on his offer and held the cigarette in between your lips. Mattheo lit it for you so you inhaled the smoke, the first of many, and watched the wind carry away your exhalations. The air hummed with possibilities, romance, and heartbreak. That’s the thing about your visions, there was no way to know for sure if it would play out exactly as you’ve seen it. Where does one draw the line between destiny and our influence on the outcome? If you considered yourself seriously, you could say you’re an adventurer aspiring to chart her own course. But if you were more honest, perhaps you were simply in denial. Either way, you made your choice. You turned to Mattheo and watched him expertly take a drag from his cigarette. You studied the flex of his jaw and the curve of his lips. How can one stranger grow into something more and take up so much space in your life? Soon, you’ll be in love and dancing at a ball. You’re about to have some of the best years of your life and some of your worst. But maybe it’s worth it.
Leave
“No thanks,” you replied to the boy with curly hair and eager eyes and waved goodbye. You walked away without glancing back. Mattheo simply shrugged and returned to his cigarette, lost in his own thoughts once again.  You retreat down the stairs, each step distanced you from a future of bliss and grief. No boy had to be worth your dreams, you thought. It was better this way. As you swivel back to the corridor, your mind swam in the power of choice as future regrets faded from your periphery. You yelped when you stumbled onto someone’s hard chest and warm tea spilled down his shirt. “Shit, I’m sorry,” you exclaimed, far too exhausted with the evening’s surprises. “It’s okay, nothing a little magic can’t fix,” said the boy with perfectly wild hair and a kind smile, already casting a spell to return his shirt to its once pristine condition. You didn’t know him personally, but you recognized him as Lorenzo Berkshire. 
“Now about your spilled tea, can I help you get another one?” he asked. You smiled back at him as magic thrummed in your veins and time started to slowed down.
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✿ Masterlist
Author's note:
✿ Based on the question, “if you knew how things would turn out, would you still make the same choices?”
✿ Another moment I was in my feels and spilled ink instead of the alternative. May have spilled the alternative anyway.
✿ If you chose to leave, of course I had to sneak in my sweet and lovely Enzo in there ♡
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ae-neon · 5 months ago
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@shadowqueenjude I was recently complaining about this in replies and DMs but you reminded me so I might as well make a post. Lets say sjm didn't want to make the pov switch in acomaf (ignoring that's almost exactly what ended up happening anyway post trilogy)
Then sjm should have done better for Feyre
First of all, we needed more put into the Cursebreaker title, even if it was burdensome to her, it still centred her. It was Feyre who should have given the HL speech not Nesta, Feyre is literally a living embodiment of the unification of the powers of the 7 courts
Also my personal opinion that Feyre shouldn't have been made High Lady by him but that by default she could be High Lady of literally any court because she holds a drop from each. Again, centring her and not him. It also makes the possibility of Feyre choosing Tarquin but ultimately picking Rhysand have more weight
On that topic. No mating bond. I know it's an sjm romance staple but let's be brutally honest about it.
each Archeron sister is an anomaly to the acotar universe, they should not exist and are not bound by the same magical physics so why would they have designated mates.
Feyre again has the magic of all 7 not just 1. If anything she should be recognised (by magic if not by law) more like a High Queen than a High Lady
SJM apparently ends up taking the "first High Lady" title from her anyways
As disgusting as it is, the acotar mating bond IS a magical eugenics programme and according to the lore, Lesser Fae are "less" than High Fae. Why would a being who is beyond High Fae be mates with a half or Lesser Fae.
Same way it doesn't make sense that human Feyre (or Nesta) could be mates with a half or full Illyrian. The wings would kill a damn near higher being but wouldn't kill a human?? I don't think they'd even make it full term
In conclusion no mates or their mates are higher beings like them but they reject those bonds in favour of love, showing their human values overrule Fae magic. Tying into Feyre's human heart (make it mean something!!)
So, Feyre chooses Rhysand
Now, if the NC is split into basically 3 autonomous zones, we needed to see her interact and integrate herself into those three in a way that matters. Something beyond the superficial title.
Keep Feyre's star motif as HERS. It's a pretty dehumanising take but she has that thought about being a star who only shines as bright because of his darkness or something. Anyways. Give her the star tattoo.
For some reason her bargain tattoos have a similar swirl pattern to Illyrian tats, cut that out and rather have her do the bloodrite and earn the tattoos.
If sjm insists on keeping the CoN scene, write it better. And change the values of the CoN to hedonism so they embrace her introduction to court.
Put up a statue of Feyre in the Rainbow
Give Feyre her own place (not physically but politically and socially) in Velaris. Let her learn to read at the library and befriend some priestesses. It's literally that easy
Now
One complaint I made again and again was the KoH not being Feyre's villain. Sure he turns her sisters but after that he's so focused on getting her sisters and beefing with Rhysand, it doesn't feel like Feyre's at the centre of it by design but rather by default
So make something like her resurrection in book 1 was a result of her stealing Amarantha's power. We know Amarantha was able to become that powerful because she stole from Hybern. whatever it is, he wants it back.
Then, have Feyre actually fighting in the war not running around observing and doing side quests. HAVE FEYRE ACTUALLY INVOLVED IN THE SERIES VILLAIN'S DEATH??? (sjm is a hack fraud) Then she dies and is resurrected by the High Lords at the end of wings and ruin.
Cut the vassa storyline it's nonsense
Full circle from book 1 with a mirror ending!!!
Ultimately these are small changes that don't alter the course of the story (the way making Feyre naturally shielded instead of Nesta or switching pov to Nesta in acomaf would) but it helps
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regarding-stories · 1 year ago
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The dark abyss that is Andor
There were several things that led to Andor.
On the one hand, Disney screwed up its Star Wars intellectual property by handing it to complete hacks for Episode VII to IX, leading a potential cash cow to attract less and less viewers over the course of three increasingly bad installments. Seriously, The Last Jedi is one of the worst disappointments I've actually watched, and not only was I thinking "This can't get worse..." every five minutes only to be proven, "Yes, it can!!", it completely killed my appetite to see IX (and I would have left the cinema at that one's sheer stupidity). With VII, I saw it once with some initial excitement in a cinema when it released and a strange feeling afterwards, and I never revisited it. VIII I saw on two separate long-distance flights because I couldn't stomach the thing in one sitting. IX I didn't see at all, but devoured YouTube videos ripping it apart. Clearly, Disney had a Star Wars problem.
The other thing is the reboot that was The Mandalorian, especially season 1. The Mandalorian had a penchant for not very strong logic in its writing that you still accepted because you had so much damn fun and loved the characters. Given the fact that it clearly pulled lots of viewers into Disney+ that were loving its vibe that was true to the core of Star Wars, Disney management saw the fact that theaters and theme parks were closed due to COVID on the one hand and that big Star Wars movies were at risk of actually losing money on the other hand, and they did what executives are wont to do - they decided that if it worked once, it will work again and declared they will pump out TEN Star Wars series in the near future.
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Meanwhile they cancelled also their ongoing series of "A Star Wars Story" movies that started with what could be called "Episode III.5" - Rogue One. Rogue One was plagued with production problems, so much so that seeming key scenes from the trailer weren't in the movie. "I rebel!", anyone?? Still, it turned out to be something new - a new kind of Star Wars story. It took the idea of a war movie (or its modern equivalent, Band of Brothers) and put it into the Star Wars cinematic universe. It did without an actual Jedi (kinda-sorta) and it showed a strong performance of Diego Luna as the morally gray Cassian Andor. And... (spoiler alert) ... it killed its whole cast in its finale.
I know people that say Rogue One is their favorite Star Wars movie. (But other people dislike it.) I hold it in high esteem. The way the resistance is portrayed also seemed to be somewhat subversive - both to its previous image on screen and to what is portrayable on screen for mainstream audiences in general. It became clear that unlike in the original three Star Wars movies resisting an empire is, on the ground, a dirty business and not just about big battles or commando raids. (Which then happen anyway. Because Star Wars.)
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Then followed the lackluster Solo and the third installment Yoda was never made as Star Wars increasingly lost its ability to draw crowds into seats.
And thus it came to Andor
Now what do you do with a character that (spoiler alert? really?) dies. You make a bloody prequel. Which is funny. Andor is a prequel to Rogue One which is a prequel to A New Hope. Prequels, like sequels, carry the risk of rehashing the original material without adding anything to it (Solo ...) and being trapped by the inevitability of what has to happen next, curtailing its writing (Kenobi ...). But Andor season 1 betrays none of that. (Talk about being addicted to prequels, Disney...) It is a strong piece of cinematic art in its own right.
And yes, I'm saying art. About a Star Wars series. That's how I feel about it. Andor not only has strong execution, it has depth. It was a show that made me pause it and think about what just happened on screen. It's a show that gets deeper if you know about history, unlike most shows that actually reveal their shallowness to the knowing eye. (Looking at you, The Man in the High Castle. Boy, I hated that tripe.)
But even before we get into that, let me say how I impressed I was with its set and costume design. Whereas the Book of Boba Fett gave us cyberpunks on floating scooters, Andor poured a lot of heart into how everybody looked in their various environments, creating a more rich and varied Star Wars society by portraying various strata thereof, from the life of imperial senator Mon Mothma to the middle class living literally in her shade somewhere on the middle levels of planet-city Coruscant to the mining town labor class that we find Cassian in. It flawlessly cuts between different well-thought out locations, including, of all things, a holiday resort.
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This is paired with some very strong performances by similarly strong actors. I mean, we all knew Stellan Skarsgard would deliver, sure. But Denise Gough absolutely kills it, acting-wise. Her delivery as a villain is perfect, the way she manages to always look so sour and annoyed already is quite something, how she normalizes evil into a technocrat career. Every flinch of her face conveys books of information to me as the fascinated viewer. She is at the heart of this series, and worth the price of admission alone.
And let's not forget Andy Serkis' heart-rending performance. Really, we're being spoiled. People are seriously acting, not just standing in front of a camera wearing costumes! In Star Wars!!
And yet, if it was only that, it still wouldn't have impacted me as deeply as it had. There's one more layer to this, and it's the massive bottom of the iceberg that is Andor. I haven't forgotten, even though I'm writing this a year after watching it.
(And definitely spoilers from here on onwards.)
Life under fascism
The second half of season 1 however can put deep horror into any thinking person's mind. It radically departs from previous portrayals of the evil Empire. It's not relying on cheap gimmicks like Episode VII where we see a village razed by the First Order. (So evil. So cliche, too. Also murdering Max von Sydow. Tsk, tsk. They had to get him off stage before any good acting happens...) Andor creeps under our skin and then reaps havoc.
(This part of this entry will become increasingly dark. You might not want to read on. Because fiction is one thing, and comparing it to historical reality is another. This is an actual trigger warning. Proceed with care.)
The first half of the season is standard fare, almost. Cassian gets himself in trouble and there is really no redeeming quality about it. He also gets everybody else into trouble. The Empire in its heavy-handed hurry to eradicate resistance actually creates it in the first place. And still... the lack of compunction about torture, about going victim by victim, vanishing people into its torture cells, breaking them... this is merely an overture. No hero is born here, but evil wears its mask imperfectly.
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Cassian escapes his small world to eventually live the good life on a resort world, getting laid, pretending to be someone else. Instead of being caught as the fugitive and murderer and partisan he actually is by now, he simply gets caught up in the arrest of somebody else. The way the Empire "perpetrates justice" not only gets him arrested while having done no wrong (in that cover identity), he also gets sentenced by a court that doesn't even pretend to actually care about due process in any way. There's a machine of oppression, and instead of competently catching him, Cassian becomes caught up randomly in one of its many gears.
And while this may seem random, it's brilliant. It's one of the many reasons why resistance exists. Because the Empire's overreach is everywhere, grinding up people just living their lives while trying to perfect its control. The corruption of the desire for power leaks through in its banality.
What follows is Cassian's imprisonment, and this segment is brutal and horrifying on a deep level. The more you know, the worse it gets. Cassian is transported to a prison facility where he's forced into repetitive labor to make equipment for the Empire. There's a set of steps every labor team has to execute, and the team with the lowest quota gets punished with electric shocks. Day after day.
This is "Vernichtung durch Arbeit." ("Destruction through labor.") This is what the Nazis did to their political opponents. Before there was a Holocaust, there were concentration camps. And prisoners were made to work - the cynic motto across the gate of Auschwitz was "Arbeit macht frei." ("Labor sets you free.") People would gradually be ground down until they gave out in one way or another, fell sick, die of exhaustion, broke psychologically. The series never tells us its "inspiration," it just goes through similar motions. With the veneer of a super-clean techno prison over it.
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Not only that, the very scene reminded me of what I read in a book about the Holocaust. Towards the end of the war the engines for the new secret weapon jet planes or rockets were manufactured by prison labor. Crews of malnourished prisoners would each execute a few pretrained steps and crank out more jet engines in slave labor than was previously done in the Reich's armament factories. This was the culmination of the Nazi system where all labor-intensive things like the bunkers of the Atlantic Wall or the underground factories of Dora-Mittelbau were erected by and on the back of slaves that were themselves gradually killed in the process.
Without ever breathing a word of what is portraying, Andor portrays the same. Skillfully, horribly so.
The devil is in the details
Some way into this horror, everybody gets their sentence doubled. The counter simply goes up. No explanation. Total helplessness in the face of total control. The deep gut feeling of "No one gets out here alive" or "It will never end" begins to descend. That number was a sort of life line for people to brave another day. And it lies!
As unbelievable as it may seem, people did get released from concentration camps, especially those on "lighter charges" like "antisocial behavior." But nobody really knew how long they had to stay or if they were to be released. Often, initially told they had to do 3 to 6 months depending on their conduct, and yet most people never left alive. A quick read in a book behind me says that 8 million people were sucked into the system, 7 million died, 200,000 left by being released by the system itself. The idea you might be released one day added false hope that in itself could create further psychological torture if it was dashed over and over again.
Then there is the "divide and conquer" approach to prisoner management. Work crews are led by other prisoners, rebellion and resistance is quelled within the ranks. This Andor merely hints at, but the Nazi oppression system skillfully created hierarchies to make sure a comparatively small detachment of guards could handle a large mass of inmates which could overwhelm them if acting together.
But it doesn't stop here, not in Andor, either. Eventually we learn that the Empire starts to eliminate the prison population. Rumors start to spread that an entire floor of the super prison was eliminated by electrocution. Just like the real Nazis the space Nazis start to construct yet another death machine to eliminate opposition.
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And this leads to that sub-plots final chapter, the prison revolt. There are a few historical mass escapes, even from Nazi death camps. There's also the heroism of the two uprisings of Warsaw (including the ghetto uprising). Left with nothing to lose, left with nothing but death ahead, the prisoners overwhelm the guards.
And this happened in real life, too. It's probably based on the historical case of the death camp inmates that were forced to run the gas chambers and crematoria themselves. This is part of the Holocaust itself, the Nazis had finally dropped all pretenses and resorting to kill people in an industrial manner. And these people knew that eventually their whole detachment would be killed. They knew too much, were witnesses to this massive crime against them and humanity itself. They were also among those destined for death. Like in an antechamber of hell itself they were merely bidding time. So they managed one of the few mass escapes on record.
While Andor doesn't stray as far down the road as actual history does, it knows how to cite history for those who know. It's not made up of whole cloth. It actually is referencing the real history of the most inhumane version of fascism, but it does not put the fact in your face. But if you know, its chamber of horrors becomes so much deeper.
And that's why
This is what makes Andor an absolute masterpiece. It recreates the conditions without blindly copying the source. It adapts, but you can feel how deeply inhumane the circumstances are that it depicts. It gives you the bloody creeps, and even if you don't know how much it is rooted in darkness, you will still feel it. It shows. It tells. But it never spoils the source material.
This is art. This is the deep craft. The banality of evil, the careless, uncaring attitude of evil towards those it deems unworthy and not human. It's all on display. It switches us into the place of Cassian and of Andy Serkis' character as it draws us in as audience. We don't see what happens on other floors. We don't have the information advantage. We can only imagine. We are subjected to the fact that we can only imagine it. And so we share a bit in the plight of these characters. Sometimes not showing a thing is the highest accomplishment of movie making.
And this is why I'm pissed that a series that was planned for five seasons was already cut to play out in two. Because we need more of this and less of more Jedi doing backflips. Just like Loki plays on a completely different level than the rest of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Andor leaves all of Star Wars in its dust. If Rogue One was the attempt to tell a different kind of story in the same universe, Andor is the attempt at a different level of depth.
And this, more than Rogue One, makes it clear why they fight.
Watch it if you can.
And sorry if I horrified you.
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kafus · 1 year ago
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i just went on a 2 hour long adventure to find out obscure pokemon information. again. normal tuesday for me at this point
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one of the secondhand japanese emeralds i purchased, i noticed had the MysticTicket and Eon Ticket in the bag, the items to go to navel rock for ho-oh/lugia and to southern island to get one of the latis, latias or latios, respectively. i went to go check the wonder card on the save (gen 3 can only hold one at a time) and it's for the mysticticket (しんぴのチケット)!
of course i was curious about the event that distributed this mysticticket so i looked up the japanese title and managed to find an archive.org link for the event from the original, official pokemon website. but i was surprised to see the eon ticket and latias/latios prominently also displayed on the page, and with emerald listed as a possible game for it to be distributed to, no less!
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it's relatively common knowledge that international versions of emerald can't receive the eon ticket because they don't have the original mystery event system in ruby/sapphire which allow it to be received, simply replaced by the new wireless mystery gift system. the only way to get the eon ticket in international emerald is through record mixing with a ruby or sapphire game with the ticket. i assumed this is how the eon ticket on this emerald was received, if it wasn't straight up hacked, but now i wasn't sure since if the previous owner truly went to this japanese event in 2006/2007, they could have also picked up the eon ticket according to the webpage...?
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well i talked to some folk over at project pokemon and it turns out the mystery event system is still present in japanese emerald specifically, and not only that, they likely had a custom ROM they used in store to distribute the eon ticket to both RS and emerald! there's no photos and certainly no dump of it online, but it's likely there was a menu where they could pick what kind of game they were distributing to, similar to the custom ROM used for international RS eon ticket distributions that had language selection, which we DO surprisingly have a picture of, from a 2004 event in germany:
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this event is really obscure for some reason? i had to talk to experts on the subject for more information on it, the serebii eventdex page for the eon ticket doesn't list it, and the bulbapedia page for the eon ticket doesn't mention it either, which may be remedied now that i've talked to some people about it in the near future. but yeah this was a fun deep dive
it should be noted that even though it would make a whole lot of sense through environmental storytelling that the events are fully legitimate, considering the rest of the file is fully legitimate (checked through multiple softwares), well-played and well-loved, and if they went to this event they would have gotten both tickets at the same time, but i have no way of knowing for sure since i wasn't there! however miraculously they never actually traveled to either island and all the legendaries are still up for grabs... so just for the sake of my own fun i'm going to believe these are real and not injected onto the cart, and go and catch navel rock ho-oh/lugia and one of the southern island latis for myself! :]
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thank you Z.Z whoever you are!! you have a really cool file by the way, the random shiny zubat from granite cave and the ev trained alakazam that you obviously put a shitton of time into breeding considering the numerous boxes of abra and dittos in your PC are super cool!
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greenlotusleaf · 1 year ago
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“Been getting a little fat, hmm?” I poke at the slight outward curve of your tummy when we have a moment away from prying eyes. You blush. I know your secret. I’m the Ranger, stoic and grim to everyone but you. When we first met, we had a professional rivalry. We were always trying to outdo each other as the party’s scouts and trapfinders. We joked with each other over our near misses, confident in the other’s skills, and kept friendly wagers about how many monsters we could slay in an encounter. Whoever killed the most had free drinks for the night at the tavern. It was your drunken flirting that broke down my barriers. Sometimes I lost on purpose, knowing the state you’d be in. Although you never accused me of it, I think you knew. Then there was the spring. We had stopped to camp in the forest and chanced upon a shrine dedicated to the mother goddess of the old ways. I warned everyone not to drink from the spring. But you didn’t believe me. Our friendly competition got the best of you. You took a long drink from the clear water. It tasted fantastic. Then you start hacking and coughing, everyone looks surprised and concerned. You broke character and laughed big belly laughs at their expressions. “See? It’s just a bunch of superstitious nonsense,” you said. You were from the city. You thought you knew better. Days later with loot in tow, we head to town to rest and relax after a particularly grueling dungeon. It took a lot less beer to get you going this time. You smiled, sat in my lap, whispered in my ear, pouted, rubbed on me. I wanted it, badly, but I knew better. You set an enchantment into motion that had to be seen all the way through. Disappointed by my rejection, you went out with the nearest broad-shouldered farmer like you were possessed. I noticed the changes not long after that. You were eating constantly, everything you could fit in your mouth. You asked for seconds and whined when you couldn’t have thirds. Although, I obliged by giving you half my portions. After weeks your body began to accommodate all the extra food. Your lithe, little frame, so skinny you could practically fit through prison bars, began to plump up. Your clothes grew tight around breasts, hips, and ass first. I did enjoy watching you struggle with straps of your arm and whine when you had to loosen them. Now there’s your belly. Even though it’s still small, at the moment, I can see it get in your way. You’re not as quick as you used to be, and you’ve become very pouty about it. I find myself picking up your slack more and more with each passing day as the primal lifeforce inside you swells. I enjoy teasing you about it too. You’re in denial, but in a week or two, you’ll see. For my part, it’s my responsibility and joy to take care of you, as a practitioner of the old ways. In my dreams, I see you growing into an image of the mother goddess to be worshiped and fed. In my waking life, I have to fulfill these primal visions. They're like base instincts to me. When you come to terms with your new role, I'll take you to the Druid circle so that you can be properly worshiped and enjoy the months to come. Maybe you’ll want to remain as a living goddess for the Druids? Maybe you’ll want to go back to your old life as a rogue? Of course, it’ll be far, far more difficult with the weight and curves you’ll have accumulated.
I don't have the creative energy for a response that would do this justice, but it's way too good to sit unanswered in my inbox any longer. I simply have to share it. Thank you, anon. Delicious.
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good-beanswrites · 7 months ago
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A drabble for an anon asking about the prisoners watching their music videos! This is focused on specifically Mikoto’s initial shock at seeing MeMe for the first time, but just know that Double comes with a whole new set of shocks as he truly listens to John for the first time ;-;
Mikoto was no criminal. 
He didn’t know how to break into locked rooms, or hack into complex prison security systems. He figured there was no way in hell he’d be able to see these so-called incriminating videos that the Warden was recording, and had resolved himself to an eternity of wondering what they could be. He was shocked when he didn’t need to do a single thing to gain access to them – Es simply adjusted the computer monitor and told him he could hit play when (and if) he wished. Then they left the room.
“A-are you sure?” he called, but they were already gone.
Mikoto blinked at the screen. It showed a stretched version of his apartment couch, near his bathroom wall, broken to reveal sky above. He thought he could spot his tarot cards at the bottom of the frame. Had Milgram broken into his home to film this? 
He scoffed, and hit play.
Distorted guitar started up. He flinched as his own face appeared for a moment – looking directly into the camera and making a wild expression he would never have made if someone was recording. His body tensed up more as he heard his own voice start to sing lyrics he’d never spoken before in his life. He wasn’t even a good singer, and here he was sounding like a professional. 
There were plenty of ways to accomplish all of this, of course. Software could mimic one’s voice, making him say anything these crazy reality hosts wanted. A team could easily add some digital effects to a stunt double and match his appearance perfectly. Knowing that didn’t make the experience any less unsettling.
He watched himself commit a nasty murder. He watched himself return home bloodied. But it was all ridiculous. How could Milgram even claim that this was him? He’d never raised a hand to anyone in his life. Were the other prisoners’ videos as outlandish as this one?
But then, a switch. 
The song shifted to a new melody. He appeared to wake up from his couch, and suddenly Mikoto got the sense that this was him.
He was struck with how familiar this new segment sounded. It simultaneously felt like a favorite song he must have played on loop not too long ago, and one that he’d never heard before. As it played, each new note and lyric felt right on the tip of his tongue. 
It ended as quickly as it began. The song returned to the heavy-metal-murder aesthetic it had started with, and once again he felt like he was watching a cheap copy of himself onscreen. He watched another murder, a shower scene (had the warden seen all that? How embarrassing…) and then he turned to his bathroom mirror.
At the same time as his musical counterpart, Mikoto leapt backwards in horror. 
His eyes remained glued to the screen. His hand flew up to grab the lower half of his face. It was fake, he told himself. AI and CGI and all that. It was fake. It had to be. 
Something deep inside of him said “no. That’s real. That’s me.”
Something else deep inside of him echoed the sentiment.
The video was less than four minutes of music, but by the end he was panting and tugging at his hair as if he’d endured hours of prison torture. He burst out of the room. He sucked in breath after breath. The melodies still played in his mind, lines repeating in his memory as he tried to put as much distance between himself and that little television screen.
He found the others in the common room. They gave him a knowing look, but somehow he knew his experience had been very different from their own. Es approached him.
They studied his expression for a moment. Thankfully, they didn’t ask anything stupid, like “how did it go?” or “what did you think?” 
Instead, they just told him, “if you ever want to watch it again, just let me know, I can get it set up for you.”
He would want to see it again. Of course, it would be better, then. He would take a moment to calm down. He’d watch it later and everything would be okay. He’d have a clearer mind. He’d pick out all the little camera tricks they used to make it. He’d be sure it was a fake, and laugh about how ridiculous he was being now. 
Of course. Of course. 
He nodded to Es, unable to produce any words. Es left him.
The rules in this prison never made any sense, but in this case, he was grateful. He wouldn’t need to figure out any snooping or hacking to get access to the video again. After all, he was no criminal.
… he wasn’t, was he?
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spontaneousglitterbees · 9 months ago
Text
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
The paper has it spelled out like sunrise over a lake; she can’t help but look at it until she has to make herself look away. Her first ‘client’, the fellow student she’s meant to be shadowing for the week, the person she is tasked with protecting if she wants to pass this class after transferring in partway through the semester is none other than–
“Ooh, bad luck.”
(Part of the TAPP AU, also on Ao3)
Ouma’s voice squeaks out from beside her upper arm so suddenly she flinches.
“Oh please, Harukawa, don’t tell me I caught you off guard. That’s like, your entire thing, now!” he sounds so jovial, without a care in the world, but his chest heaves as though he also just shuddered down to the core.
“You did this.” She states it without room for uncertainty.
“Why the hell would I do that?” he flicks his hand toward the sheet of printer paper pinned to the corkboard, the one that has condemned them for the next one-hundred-sixty-eight hours. It’s up there for the whole school to see. “It’s not even my MO to hack this school’s ancient copy machine, or whatever, I’m out for a good time. Besides, I’d like to live, thanks much.”
Maki is entirely unimpressed. “It is precisely your MO to stomp on my nerves in every way you can,” she enunciates with each step forward.
His grip tightens around the handle of his cane, still smiling. His knuckles threaten to rip themselves to shreds.
“Actually,” a voice chimes in, stern but not unkind. “It makes perfect sense, does it not? You are both in Class 79, which ought to alleviate some of the initial awkwardness.”
Silver hair catching the artificial overhead light, teaching assistant and upperclassman Peko Pekoyama overshadows the pair from behind. “Besides, as the Ultimate…” her eyes narrow, incredulous. “... Supreme Leader, Ouma is going to need a security detail someday.”
Maki glares up at her for all of a split second before dutifully lowering her gaze. It's less that the Ultimate Swordsman is intimidating than that she's so... coldly supportive. The kind of person whose praise is lined with mist and whose fury is a downpour. It'd be a shame to disappoint her, especially over Kokichi, of all people.
"Oh, but Peko-peko-chan, don't you know? Maki and I have been sworn enemies since we were kids! You'd really let that mean ol' teacher pair me up with my nemesis?! That's so cruel!" Kokichi leans in on his cane for leverage, arms crossed in front of him as he acts out the phrase in big, encompassing gestures. That's a lie. But...
Unfortunately for both of them, it only seems to reassure Peko that the path forward is clear. "It'll be a fine challenge for the both of you, then. You’ll be able to focus on two objectives at once: gaining experience staying alert, and equal experience working with difficult clients.”
Kokichi scoffs in the background, of course, but it's hardly worth arguing. He tries to get in your head and stay there, after all. If anything, being ‘difficult’ is a point of pride for him. His eye still seems to twitch a little at the admission. It’s probably just the dry autumn air.
Maki, inventing new curses in her head and keeping them there, nods sagely. "Of course, Ms. Pekoyama. I won't let you down."
She looks over to her current mark.
It's going to be a long week.
------------------
The week starts off innocuous enough. The worst of it comes at the beginning of each day as Kokichi pulls his books out of his locker. Literature, World History, ... Calculus II? Each slams into the floor with a resounding thud, one after another.  Some of them won't even see use until near the end of the school day, but he insists she carry them now. Spiteful little shit.
Many of their general education classes are shared to begin with, fortunately, meaning the two of them simply have to walk between classes together for a while. It isn’t quite embarrassing as much as it is frustrating for Maki. Does he even really need a cane, or is it just a ploy to get the teacher’s sympathy? They saunter down the hallway in either case, uncaring of the actual time they arrive. Five minutes late, ten minutes, even; neither incurs a penalty, a bit of an affront to her own persistent punctuality. ‘This school is his’ indeed.
No. The real trouble starts brewing during their free periods.
"The autumn leaves are home to a variety of bug species," lectures Gonta, sitting cross-legged in the courtyard. Kokichi sits beside him, dredging through a pile of leaves; pick up, flip, sort, over and over. Maki remains stock-still and focused on defense. Peko could be hiding around any given corner, assisting a teacher lying in wait for an ambush just to make a point about vigilance. 
But it’s a bit hard to stay on edge when things are so… unremarkable. So normal. 
"As an example, early-emerging populations of Actias luna in North America lay eggs on the undersides of leaves to keep larvae and pupas safe during winter until the adults appear in March." Despite Gonta’s better efforts choosing a more palatable bug for discussion, neither Kokichi nor Maki seems to be paying actual attention. 
"Which has to be why the leaf piles make such a good crunch when you jump in'em, riiiiight?" Kokichi teases, crushing the pile of leaves he's sorted beneath the base of his palm. He throws his back into the motion with a sadistic smile. It breaks into the same mischievous laugh as usual soon after, nishishi~! 
Gonta, however, seems unalarmed; perhaps he sees the un-smashed pile, the ones with even just the potential to have 'stuff on'em'. Instead, he smiles. "That might be the beetles, they love hiding in leaves."
"Ewwww!" Kokichi wipes his hand on his pants, despite the distinct lack of bug entrails on them. "Great! Gonta, you can't just ruin fall like that! Now I'm gonna be thinking about nasty beetles when I just wanted to have some fun..." he makes a point to frown, but seeing no real reaction the expression disappears as quickly as it came. 
"I not– I'm not ruining fall, it's too hot out to be real fall. It's messing with the bugs’ hibernation cycles...."
Maki finds she's won a fourth consecutive mental game of tic-tac-toe with herself before she finally sighs. Would it be out of line to suggest going inside? Perhaps a more enclosed space will help her readjust to the objective. 
Before she can suggest such a thing, Kokichi beats her to it.
“Yeah, it’s waaaay too hot out for September, I’m beat. Harukawa-chan, can we go back inside now?” he doesn’t bother to pout, eyes going from half-lidded to three-quarters wide seeing the barely-contained irritation on Maki’s face. 
“Gladly.” She stands without hesitation, turning to Gonta. “Thank you for having us.”
“Of course, is only polite thing to do,” smiles Gonta. Kokichi is a touch intrigued.
“What are you thanking him for, I bet you weren’t even listening! You haven’t taken that scowl off your face all day.” He leans a bit to his left, accentuating the roll of his eyes.
“I knew that you wouldn’t.” Maki says simply, opening the cold glass door.
Kokichi is shocked, appalled he’d tell you, with a loud gasp! Then he shrugs a little. “Eh. I wasn’t bored, anyway.”
Gonta waves, cheerful as ever, as the door swings shut.
The foot of his cane practically skids across the terrazzo tile as Kokichi takes off down the hall.
“What’s got you in such a hurry?” Maki asks before she can think better of it; Ouma is still faster than she’d given him credit for.
“Wouldn’t you like to know, Ultimate Assassin.” The reply comes quick and sharp, bitterness rising in his voice that hasn’t seen the light of day since well before the game ended.
Before she can ask ‘why now?’ or some such thing, as though there’s any logic behind what Ouma does in the first place, he’s looking at her expectantly from his perch just at the threshold of the main library doorway.
“Dunno about you, but I, for one, have homework. I’m looking for a book, silly, don’t you guys use those?” he shakes his head lightly, keeping the door open by leaning on it and waiting for her to go through. It takes a moment of the two staring at one another to determine who is going to relent; Maki walks a step inside as Kokichi beelines for the reading chairs.
Ah, the reading chairs. Only marginally more acceptable than the stiff, borderline crunchy upholstery of most of the furniture on campus. At least there’s no punishment for sitting on these. Surrounded by deep forest green carpets and a dim, subdued atmosphere one risks sinking into should they stay still for too long, the library is quiet. Starkly quiet. The sound of breathing itself seems to echo, not at all damped by the depth of archways and sub-sections of books and books upon books.
Kokichi looks idly up at the rafters, looking for something he must not find.
“What’s wrong?” Maki reluctantly asks, curiosity overpowering her better sense.
“It’s hot in here,” Ouma replies, his voice… uncharacteristically soft. It’s impossible to tell what emotion comes attached, if there is one at all.
“The air conditioning has been broken in this building all day, I hear.”
There is an awkward silence between them, an absolute vacuum of small-talk.
He takes a deep breath, only to look back over at Maki. “Welp. This place is huge, so. Might as well get crackin’, book’s not gonna find itself!” He smiles a little too wide for his face as he launches upright, looking over his shoulder and taking off into the canopy of books. “Be back in a bit!”
“Alright,” says Maki, striding over to meet him. “Where are we going first?”
Kokichi shakes his head. He’s sorely mistaken if he thinks it’ll be that easy to get rid of you. “Hmm, iunno. I’ll know it when I see it,” he chirps as he changes directions, taking a few dizzying turns before coming to a brief pause.
What is his problem? What does he get out of making this difficult for the both of you? Surely boredom can’t overtake the selfish want to do less work… yet, sure enough, he’s speed-walking away again.
Maki doesn’t need to look up to explain the sudden chill down her spine.
“Kiyo-chan! Fancy meetin’ you here,” Ouma laughs, stepping to the shelf opposite Korekiyo as Maki walks up to the two of them.
“Not exactly, Ouma, you know quite well I’ve been tasked with the maintenance of some of the anthropology department’s rarer books,” Kiyo shakes his head, adjusting his mask. “... No, I won’t be taking you to them. I was actually looking for a project on Minoan mythos in relation to pre-Hellenic…” he cuts himself off. 
Really, Maki thinks to herself, it’s hard to believe this awkward kid could have been the monster he once was. That’s the thing about monsters, though, isn’t it? In real life they don’t have horns or tails like the minotaur…. 
“Say. What are you visiting the library for? Your field is not precisely predicated on a large literary basis, is it?” 
“Kiyo-chaaaaan! No fair! Are you telling me I don’t look like I read? ‘Cuz I can read plenty, as long as it’s not BORING me to death!!” Kokichi leans on his cane, slightly swaying. “I like libraries. They’re like obstacle courses, and half the time nobody is even in them to get in the way!” he smiles. “But that’s a lie.”
“He’s looking for a book,” Maki chimes in, startling both Korekiyo and Kokichi back a few steps. 
“Oh, is that all? What kind of book are you looking for, Ouma? Certainly I could be of assistance.” Kiyo nods, possibly(?) smiling, and at the very least visibly trying to maintain a less standoffish posture.
“That won’t be–”
“Binary star formation,” the two phrases come in at the same time. Kokichi continues, “and the history of their discovery.” 
Kiyo stares at Kokichi for a moment, in (confusion? Disbelief? It’s difficult to tell, with so much of his face obscured and those piercing eyes ready to strike at any time…) before nodding. “Of course. I believe I recall where that one is, it was returned quite recently.”
Ouma stares idly into the distance for a split-second, an automaton re-calibrating on the fly. “Right. Duh, but I need it now, so.” 
Sure enough, Korekiyo is only away for a matter of minutes before returning with a single large tome. The book seems more focused on general astronomical phenomena, but must have a chapter or two dedicated to binary stars. Should have picked something more obscure, Maki huffs at the thought, if you really just wanted to cause trouble. Let me guess, that isn’t–
“That’s exactly it!” says Kokichi, who excitedly starts flipping through the pages. Korekiyo looks like he wants to scold him, be more careful, but restrains himself from doing so. Nonetheless, the two share a look; Kokichi suddenly feels like maybe he should slow down, lest unsavory things happen to his nerves. 
Just a feeling.
Things look, for once, to be going well again. Ouma is reading (or, at least, glaring at a page), freeing up Maki’s attention to better scope out the area.
… At least, until “Kiyo-chan? The text is so small, I can barely read a thing!”
Don’t get involved, don’t worry about it, Maki, you have a mission!
“Then why don’t you take it back to one of the reading areas? It’s certain to be brighter there.”  Korekiyo shrugs, back to looking at the shelf ahead.
“Can’t you read it to me, Kiyo-chan? Pleeeease, you have such a nice reading voice!”
Korekiyo stops, for a moment, glaring at Kokichi. “And that’s a lie, certainly.”
“What! You’re calling me a liar! Kiyo-chan, that’s so, s-so,,” the tears start to well up, if only slightly. Is he losing his touch with the waterworks? “Accurate, yeah, but not this time! If I didn’t tell the truth some of the time, it’d make the lies too obvious! And that’s no fun at all.”
“... Ah,” says Kiyo, uncertain of how to take a compliment.
“So?”
“Oh yes, right. Hmm. It can’t be that large of a diversion, surely…”
Such is how Korekiyo winds up over by the reading chairs, telling a dubiously-interested Kokichi about disk and turbulent fragmentations. “Where the instability and arbitrary motion cause a core to split off into multiple masses of gas and dust that collapse into independent protostars,” so the reading goes, “that are close enough to one another they become entangled in mutual orbit.” 
Maki can hardly say she’s particularly invested, even if it would be nice to have a better idea of what Kaito’s blathering on about half the time now that classes are in full swing. Still, something in her can’t help but hang on to this itch of unease, as though at any moment something will go wrong. She’s supposed to be watching Kokichi, but finds herself looking more at Kiyo than the surroundings. There is no danger there, anymore, though you’d have been more likely to get hurt than Ouma. But this feeling you can’t… no. That you refuse to name, this resentment, it takes residence in your bones and won’t let go. Is it because he’s been programmed as having been a killer? Aren’t you the very same? And when it really mattered, didn’t both of you decide to k–
The slightest sound makes Maki jump into action, fists at the ready to block an incoming blow, only. Huh. It seems it was just the weight of the book closing.
Kokichi sits up a little straighter, speaking a little louder (before, begrudgingly, quieting down, because this is a library). “Thank you, Kiyo-chan~ That would’ve been soooo boring to get through alone, you know? Nishishi, I’ll still be expecting your application for DICE one of these days! Best not disappoint,” he leans back in the chair, only to swing up to standing.
Korekiyo simply rolls his eyes, but there’s something undoubtedly fond in the gesture. If there weren’t, the fact would make itself known near-immediately; instead, Kiyo simply picks up the book to put it back on the shelf. “Is that all you needed, then?” 
Kokichi exaggerates a sigh. “Not by a longshot, but I think I left the rest in Miu’s lab,” he rolls his head back, momentarily looking at the spot where Maki has planted herself, arms crossed. “So I gotta run. Laters!”
As Kokichi is picking his cane back up (and staring at the foot for a moment, making sure he’s placed it on the correct side for now. Working on making the ruse more realistic, perhaps, Maki posits, though she dares not say such a thing aloud), Maki nods in acknowledgement of Kiyo. 
After an awkward pause, Kiyo nods back. “Miss Harukawa.”  
But the pair are off again, out of the library and en-route to Miu’s lab.
The silence between the two of them is thick. Neither is perturbed by the light traffic traveling in either direction down the hall, staying steps apart but not quite identifiable as a ‘group’. Much remains unsaid between the two. Neither dares disrupt the precarious balance maintaining a stoic facade, and the awkward silence stays.
At least, while only in the company of one another.
“Hey!” Kokichi yells, swinging open the door to Miu’s lab with reckless abandon, startling a very focused Chihiro and Kazuichi sitting at the far end of a long table. “Where’s that boisterous blonde–”
“That is the best most bodacious boisterous blonde bitch to you, ‘ya shitstain.” Miu looks up from her workbench, approaching the opposite side of the long table with a haughty laugh. 
“Mm, nope. Too wordy. Might mistake you for a nerd,” he teases, pointing up and down at a Miu dressed in her lab coat and covered from goggles to toe in smears of motor oil.
“Oh please, haven’t you figured out yet that I’m beauty and a brain?”
“And a nerd, yeah, I got that.”
The pair bicker like old friends, though it’s only recently they’ve had a chance to talk over their time in the killing game. Perhaps it’s easier for them to act like it never happened; it’d be hypocritical of Maki to judge.
Although…
“So you’ll concede she’s beautiful?” Maki tugs on her hair, wrapping it around her finger with a smirk. One sentence sparks a good five minutes of playful arguing, nuh-uh yuh-uh, and mild shoulder-punching. In terms of the assignment, it’s permissible, but on thin ice.
The perimeter seems clear in here, anyway, only the five of them. Chihiro and Kazuichi seem too engrossed in whatever project they’re working on to bat an eye at the two’s banter, and there’s no good angle for an ambush. Besides, it’d be irresponsible to initiate a confrontation with so many metal scraps and machines around. Still, she has to remain on alert.
… Though she can’t help but listen when she hears Miu launch into a small tirade: “What I’m always working on, dumbass, and a couple things besides. Picture this: you’re me, and you’re ‘getting a regular checkup’ because you’re ‘recovering from a traumatic experience’ and all that junk. And I’m sitting there, wasting valuable workable time between classes, just for them to call me up to do, like, the same three tests they always do? And I think to myself, man, wouldn’t it be genius if you could just step into a booth, or a pod, or something like that when you get there, and it does all of that preliminary stuff on you at once so you can just be done with it already? And this was like, two? Days ago? So you know I have a prototype.”
Kokichi looks nonplussed, to say the least.
“Haven’t you been working on anything less… totally mundane, than that? Maybe like a shrink ray, or a portal device or a body-swapper, or something exciting?”
“Well, you know I’m building an android, but we all know how you feel about that.”
“I do not need the list of features you’re giving that thing. Nobody, needs the list of features you’re giving that thing.”
“W-W, h-hey! I’m not gonna be weird about it,” Miu pouts, voice getting soft for a moment. “That’s like, totally crossing a line…” only to pick back up. “Nah, I’m not gonna load in any kinky shit until I can ask him about it!”
“Is that finally an answer to the question I’ve been asking for like three months now? We’re going with ‘robots only have dicks upon request?’”
Maybe it’s better to stop listening, actually. Not that Maki is given the choice.
“Point is, I still need a test subject! Why not you, while you’re right here? Every experiment we’ve run so far has been demonstrably fine, quit your worry-warting already ‘ya buzzkill.” Miu scoffs, rolling out a wardrobe-sized booth on a dolly.
“But Iruma-channnn,”  Kokichi whines. His eye twitches, scanning the new device up and down, only more resolute that “there’s no way I’m gonna go in there unless it’s got AC!”
“That can be arranged,” says Miu, writing at the bottom of a spare paper. “Now, get over here so we can get this show on the road!” 
“Nnnnn can’t make me.”
“Come on.”
“Nah.”
“It’ll be fine!”
“For you, maybe.”
“You know what? Fine. Hey Maki!” Miu calls, waving to where Maki is stationed around the corner. “C’mon, this’ll only take, like, two minutes, you in?”
Great. You’ve been Acknowledged.
“I wouldn’t say that,” Maki starts to stammer, but Kokichi has suddenly lit up.
“Ooh! Do it, do it Maki!”
“I really don’t think I should distract from–”
Suddenly, both Miu and Kokichi are peering over the table, all but pounding their fists against the wood as they chant “Do it, do it!”
If anything, their exuberance makes her want to give in less, but the coast is clear, for now… Chihiro gives Maki a withering look. Doesn’t seem like they’ll run out of steam any time soon. 
“... Fine.”
Kokichi and Miu turn to one another and high-five, cheering in unison. 
“Great,” Miu breezes by, opening an entrance to the box. “Come on in.”
Maki is immediately enveloped in what at first looks like a photo booth but, upon examination, has too many blinking lights and moving parts to be one. In lieu of a screen, a plexiglass barrier shows off the dim reflections of the moving mechanics, leaving the subject to back up into position. A thermometer pops out of the front panel at the same time as a blood pressure cuff restrains her left arm, a bar descending to the top of her head to record her height. Every metric is recorded on a tiny screen on the outside of the chamber.
Experiment: success. The device certainly does its job. Whether it’s been done well is questionable, but it certainly has been done.
Meanwhile, Kokichi has been lounging in quite possibly the single Good Chair in the entirety of Hope’s Peak, talking to Miu about something indistinct. By the time Maki walks out of the machine a matter of minutes has passed.
It feels like it’s been hours. 
And Maki is not happy.
“Ouma? I need to talk to you.”
“Can’t it wait? I sorta–”
“Now. Ouma.”
Kokichi keeps his head down, but follows Maki’s footsteps.
“We’re leaving. Goodbye, Miu. Hope you got your data.” Maki states, perfectly deadpan. She turns, practically dragging Ouma by the wrist.
“Harukawa, I’m sorry i–”
“That’s a lie,” Maki helpfully completes the thought, marching out into the hallway. “You’ve been lying all day, making up any excuse you can to be as distracting as possible just waiting for me to screw up. But it isn’t going to work. We are going, to your room, and you will stay there, and it will be quiet. Do you understand?”
Kokichi stops walking. He does not pull away from her hand any further than the natural distance that comes as he stops, glaring up at her with an oddly-canted eye. 
“You think you can ground me, Child-Caregiver? All I want is to hang out with my friends, and get to do it at a decent goddamn hour, and that’s SO bad? Aww, am I inconveniencing you? What would you rather be out doing. Huh? Would you rather be hunting me down for sport–”
Maki snaps out of her shock, shaking her head. “UGH! Not everything is always about YOU, you know!” She storms a few steps ahead.
“Well excuse me if you aren’t exactly open about your hobbies,” Kokichi scoffs, jogging up a few more stumbling steps to meet her. “If you insist on making our little forced-bonding-time absolutely miserable, I guess, be my fucking guest.”
“It’s not about fun, it’s about salvaging the entirety of this semester! Out of all of us, you should understand that!”
“Oh, so there is an ‘us’! I thought it a mere myth on the breeze, oh please, Harukawa, regale me with tales of how our miserable myriad of troubled teens that calls itself a class constitutes any kind of Unit,” he coughs on the end, running out of breath. A bit of spit drips from the corner of his mouth, hastily wiped away by a hand before he makes a big swinging gesture with his cane. 
This, it turns out, is a mistake.
First, his cane clatters to the floor. In and of itself, this isn’t surprising; at least it didn’t go through a window or otherwise launch across the hall, instead dropping down at Kokichi’s side.
Then Kokichi falls down with it.
He nearly faceplants, the only buffer coming in the form of outstretched arms in front of him that immediately buckle. 
Maki stifles half of a laugh. That’s what your overly-theatrical-ass gets when you try to act larger than life itself. She holds out a hand to help him back up. Frustrated as she may be, she isn’t cruel.
… But he doesn’t take it.
In fact, Kokichi doesn’t seem to be moving much at all.
Thinking fast, she immediately turns him onto his side in a recovery position. Still breathing– heavily, at that, as it’s taking up the majority of his focus just to do that much. It’s a full minute before he starts trying to talk. 
“Mmaki’alls sumiki,” is about all he can say, saliva rolling down his face, eyes glassy. One eye moves slower than the other as he tries to look up at her in that disturbingly blank way of his.
He says it again.
She doesn’t know what to do.
In for four, hold for four, out for four.
You can’t react this way to a little surprise. Cool heads prevail, Maki, you know this.
She feels a hand on her shoulder.
“Maki? Thank goodness I was following you. Listen, both of you, I’ve called my classmate Mikan. She is a nurse. What I need you to do, Maki, is help me pick him up. Ouma, just keep breathing…” Peko Pekoyama commands, picking up the cane to carry with her bag as she prepares to pick up Kokichi.
There’s an upset indignant note from him, an ‘uh, no shit,’ that pierces through the existential terror. That’s a good sign. That means not every scrap of consciousness needs to be dedicated just to staying alive. “I ‘ust, ‘eed’an ninit,” he tries to speak again, getting steadily more exasperated with himself. Even so, he does not cry.
No matter how he may want to, he does not cry.
------------------
Kokichi Ouma finds himself in a hospital room yet again. Maki Harukawa, however, finally finds herself at liberty to have him out of sight as she leans against the closed door.
Now you can panic.
“Maki?” Peko asks, tilting Maki’s chin up to meet her gaze.
Nevermind.
“You did the right thing, initially. Okay? You put him in a position where he could breathe, which is probably the most important thing you could have done.”
Maki stammers, tugging on her hair with an iron grip. “I did not do the right thing, initially. That’s the problem,” she admits, shaking her head. It’s difficult to stifle the ghost of tears blocking out her vision.
“Hm? What do you mean?” Peko asks, guiding Maki over to sit in a pair of chairs beside one of the many windows on this floor. 
No matter how hard she tries to stop them, once they start the words won’t stop flowing. “I mean that it’s my fault he’s like this!”
“... Maki, I saw it, it was an accide–”
“In the game, I shot him. Twice. With laced bolts, he. He just took Kaito, and was planning, s-something, and we were all so scared and I thought he was going to kill him so I covered them in strike-nine, and I shot him. Twice! And I went for a third…”
Peko is taken aback for a moment. Class 79 tends not to talk about their experiences in the simulation, so to hear things like shot and kill only confirm every terrible rumor she’s heard about the entire debacle. She blinks, once, then twice.
“Maki, I. I had no idea.”
Maki pulls on her hair, looping it around her whole hand and it still isn’t enough. “I know, I know, I’m an assassin, Ms. Pekoyama, and he’s the only mark I’ve ever actually killed myself.”
Peko is loath to let the silence spread between the two of them, yet she isn’t sure of what to say. Still, she says anyway: “I am. So sorry, that happened between you two. I assure you, I did not have an understanding of this. History, before I suggested you be paired together.”
“A-and now, now it’s my fault he collapsed, because whatever is wrong with him started because I poisoned him, because I’m a heartless, murder machine a-and,,” Maki hiccups, a hand over her face. She hasn’t even gotten this far into the story with her therapist, yet she sees enough of herself in Peko to entrust her with this secret.
“... I know what it is like to live with regret.” Peko offers. “It is never easy to choose one life over another. I don’t think that it should be, either. You should never have had to make that choice, but you did, and you made it as well as anyone could. You wanted to defend your friends, Maki, and you did. You cannot agonize about how things might have been after the fact if you want to move forward.”
Maki just stares at her hands, and cannot scrub away the illusion they are bright, bold magenta.
“... Maki?”
But Maki is far down the hall, watching Kaito close the door to that damn hospital room, because he’s betrayed me, again. 
“... I hated him.” She takes a deep breath, and lets the words swish around in her mouth for a moment before spitting them back out: “I hated him. I wanted him to suffer. He was irritating, and a threat, and I didn’t– I don’t understand him, and I wanted him to get away from me and everyone I care about.” Deep breath in. “So I shot him, with a crossbow, and I laced the bolts with the slowest-acting poison I could find, so he wouldn’t know peace the same way the rest of us hadn’t.”
“Ah,” says Peko, surprised but without any tone of judgment. After all, it is Peko’s turn to think, wouldn’t that be hypocritical? “Multiple things can be true at once, you know. Just because some part of you wanted vengeance does not overwrite your intentions to defend. I’ve only ever known you to want to protect the innocent, Maki, and even if you haven’t always been that person, that is the kind of person you are becoming. Every last one of you was in significant distress at that time, and that includes you. You shouldn’t let self-hatred cloud your perception.”
Maki nods ever-so-slightly. 
“What you did was. Excessive, yes, and you should not have done it. But it is in the past now, Maki. The fact that you feel remorse for it proves you aren’t ‘heartless’. You made a poor decision, with a high price. All that can be done for it now is to atone in ways you can. Sometimes, remembrance is all you can offer. But you,” Peko points at the flower on Maki’s uniform, “have a unique gift in all of this. Ouma is still alive now. In this life, you can still make amends.”
Maki sniffs, then holds her breath. In for three, hold for five, hold for four, hold forever… the tears just won’t slow. “It was cruel. I, was cruel, I don’t. I don’t want to be that way, not even to him. I-I want to. Amends, I want to,”
Peko smiles. She takes both of Maki’s hands into her own. “Then you will. You’ve already started, after all.”
The more Maki thinks of it, this whole shadowing experience has shown off facets of Ouma’s personality she hadn’t seen before. He does not like bugs, but still tolerates them out of care for his friendship with Gonta. He could have been cruel and smashed all the leaves, but he picked out any that even may have had eggs on them. Kokichi could have been legitimately cruel, yet he wasn’t. Kiyo, quiet as he is these days, is willing to accept him because Kokichi has accepted him in return. Even Miu, after she tried to bash in his skull with a hammer, has come around to not just tolerating his presence, but coming to enjoy it. Enough to make a machine for the medical wing since he, her friend, is in and out of the hospital so often… so he’s claimed.
Maki can only reconcile now that at least some, possibly all of those claims of chronic pain and complications are very real. Part of her knew this all along, but didn’t want to believe it; it’s easier, after all, to lie to yourself. Hadn’t Kokichi said something to that effect, so long ago?
Despite how irritating he is, despite his best attempts to get under her skin, despite being Kokichi Ouma, he’s… admittedly, a decent friend when it counts. And, perhaps, someday they can be friends as well.
“I still. It. It’s so stupid,” she shakes her head. “I-I better not…”
“But you want to say it, right?” Peko nods.
“I still feel. Jealous? Kaito can do what he wants, of course, but ever since the simulation it’s felt like our trio with Shuichi is… different. Like he’s choosing Kokichi over us.” Over me, she does not say. Peko can see it in her watery eyes.
“That, I’ve certainly understood,” Peko laughs. “Sometimes the person you admire can be… short-sighted, maybe. But your admiration is your own, you know. You have to own it, and, if they don’t ultimately feel the same way…” She looks off into the distance. Imagining someone, no doubt.
“... Right. Right, thank you Ms. Pekoyama.”
“Just Peko is fine, Maki.”
“Thank you, Peko.”
“Of course.”
“... But maybe they do feel the same way. You. Never know until you ask, right?”
Peko snaps back to attention. “I… suppose.” 
“It’s just a matter of gathering the inner strength to ask, whether you like the answer or not. … I think you should,” Maki shrugs, drying her tears. “And maybe I should too.”
“Perhaps,” says Peko, unshaken as ever, until… she smiles, conspiratorially. “I will if you will.”
“Alright,” laughs Maki. “Deal. But I have someone I have to address first.”
------------------
Meanwhile, Kaito slowly closes the door to the hospital room. The cool air hits him almost immediately upon entering; the air conditioning must be turned up significantly higher than in the rest of the building. It’s a different room, this time; the slightly different decor is disorienting for a moment, while he allows it to be. There’s something far more important than misplaced flowers and chairs and abstract paintings at its center, though.
“Kokichi?”
There’s a disgruntled sigh from the hospital bed, and an equally disgruntled Kokichi hooked up to not-even-a-fourth-of the equipment he was last time, to Kaito’s knowledge, he actually had to stay here.
“‘eah. Yeah, ‘s me.” He even sounds tired, still slurring words together a touch at this point.
Kaito takes his left hand, the dominant side. The uninjured one.
Kokichi can barely curl his fingers around Kaito’s, for now.
“Like the worst case’a TMJ you ever had,” he tries to smile, but finds the effort fruitless to try. Out of everyone, Kaito won’t mind if you don’t pretend for him. He already knows what you are. “‘Cept it’s everywhere. Mostly.” 
“Maybe you shouldn’t be talking so much–”
“Tsumiki-chan said, as long as I focus on breathing, I can do what I want. Mostly wanna not-do-things, though. Boring. What’d you do today?”
“You’re asking me?” Kaito laughs, but humors the thought. “Class, mostly. Went out to train with Shuichi, he’s actually coming along pretty well. Still has trouble keeping up with me in the real world, though, lung capacity and all. Been missing Maki, though. She’s really trying her hardest for this class, you know, she’s even talking to that Peko girl right now.”
Kokichi looks away, both eyes now in-sync as he tries to look to the tile floor. “Yeah. She’s still Harukawa, alright.”
Probably not a great time to talk about it, it dawns on Kaito just a little too late.
“What even happened, man, can I ask that? Figure I may as well instead’a dancing around it,” Kaito says, just to banish the thought. To get it out of the way.
Kokichi laughs a little under his breath. It hurts, but there’s a degree to which he can’t help it. “Ask’er yourself.”
Kaito is confused for all of a moment before looking around the–
“Ah! I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you! I-I just thought I could answer any q-questions, so Ouma doesn’t have to-o…” Mikan Tsumiki, Ultimate Nervous Wreck, holds her clipboard to her chest.
Kaito is beside himself, unsure of how to get her to calm back down. Kokichi’s hand squeezes his a little tighter. Give her a moment.
“R-Right, sorry, you were wondering about his condition, right? Ouma’s, I mean. T-There’s good news! And. Bad news, which we’ve already talked about before you arrived, or. I did most of the talking because he’s having a hard time at the moment, but you knew that– Bad news we’ve already talked about, and good news.” Mikan looks up at Kaito expectantly, straining a smile. 
“... Do you want me to pick one? Because I’m sure whatever the bad news is won’t look so bad compared to the good,” Kaito nods, resolute.
“Oh yeah, s-s. Sorry. Yeah. SO the good news is this is just a flare-up, probably caused by a mix of stress and the heat outside. He’s been doing a lot better in this building since we have a backup generator for our climate control,” she continues. “But the bad news is that if he doesn’t take care of his condition, he could end up in a full-blown crisis, mister,” a darkness casts over her eyes “and if you do you won’t be able to breathe on your own, then it’s back on a ventilator for up to weeks at a time, and I know how much you hate that.” She picks her head up. “But, hopefully it won’t come to that!”
… It’s a lot to take in at once.
“What. Exactly, is his condition? How could he deteriorate so suddenly?” Kaito asks despite Kokichi’s half-hearted protest.
“It wasn’t sudden. I’ve been feeling it all day… it just got too bad to deal with. That’s all.” Mikan looks over to Kokichi before he relents and nods. “Someone else should know.”
“It seems to be an autoimmune disorder caused by the program. Not one that we’ve seen before, but one that’s kind of unique because of how it happened. The device ‘taught’ his immune system to attack danger that wasn’t physically there, so it started attacking what was there instead. It seems to include some of the signals sent between muscle groups to get them to move, leading to muscle weakness that varies in severity. This would be a moderate exacerbation, I think, so it really could be much worse!”
Mikan is still working on her bedside manner. Kokichi huffs a little, amused, while Kaito is still processing.
“Is. Is it ever going to stop?”
“I think you know the answer to that,” Mikan sighs, a little shake of her head. The same thing Kaito had been told about his lungs. “It’s impossible for us to know, but don’t count on it.”
“So… So what can we do? There has to be some kind of training we can do to make it a little less severe, right?” The impossible is always possible, is it not?
“Well. Physical therapy might help as part of the treatment, but it’s most important he’s taking his meds regularly and getting enough sleep,” she says. “But it’s pretty near impossible to enforce.”
Kaito looks over at Kokichi for a moment, then back to Mikan. 
“Maybe, on his own. What if he had a roommate? Then we’d share responsibility.”
“You’re kidding me,” Ouma says, doing his best to sit up a little. It’s more effort than it’s worth, but that does not stop him from trying.
“It’s that, or have you check in even more regularly than you already do. Even if I have to fish you out of the dorms,” Mikan shakes her head, tsk-tsk-tsk. “It’s not a bad idea. I’ll take it up with Administration. Unless you’d rather have an aide following you around…?”
“NO. ‘m good. It’s good. Could be way worse…”
“And I’ll see if I can get you an air conditioner in your room? It is very literally medically necessary.”
“Yessss,” Ouma seems happy enough, and settles down. It’s distinctly possible he’s too tired to put up much more protest, and takes the opportunity to start to nod off.
Kaito smiles fondly, and shakes his head.
------------------
Several hours later, Kokichi wakes up to the creaking of his door. He tenses, finding that he can, even if it’d be too much to disengage himself from ensnaring wires and monitors. He doesn’t bother. A moment later, it’s clear enough who it is.
“... Hello, Ouma.”
“Harukawa.”
Kokichi stares upward, idly counting holes in the ceiling tile.
The silence is deafening.
“I’m sorry,” Maki starts, a meandering sentence unto itself that unravels slowly from her tongue. 
Too slowly, for Kokichi. “Yeah, alright. For what?”
“Take your pick.” The courage she’s built up is thrown to the wind as she strives to just say it,  or at least say something.
“Sure. Forgiven. Whatever. Now, what’s it you want?”
“... That’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one.”
“Ooh, she catches on! Maki Harukawa, how do you do it,” he laughs. It’s a strangled sound. 
“Cut it out, Kokichi, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what happened today. I’m sorry about pushing you too far–”
“You didn’t push me too far.” he says, but it sounds… hollow. Sincere, insincere, it doesn’t seem to matter; there’s no substance to it, but it’s also packed with double-triple meanings and spite.
“I’m sorry anyway,” Maki says. 
This appears to appease him, if just for a minute.
“I’m sorry about pushing you around, and for blaming you for my own inability to properly focus.” she sighs. “… In my defense, you don’t make it easy, but. That’s not the point. The point is, I should not have done that. I got angry, and when I get angry sometimes I act rashly. So I’m sorry.”
There’s something bigger to that statement, of course. Something he cannot help but respond to with a brutal truth:
“I don’t know if I can forgive you. I want to stop being scared of you, but it’s not. Suddenly okay again.” He turns his head, half-muttering. “I’m not sure I’ll ever really be ‘okay’ again….”
The silence returns.
“... That’s. That’s okay. I mean, if you don’t. You don’t, have to. Respect is earned, and so… so is forgiveness, I think. I hope I can earn that in your eyes.”
“... Alright,” says Kokichi. “Fair enough.”
“See you around,” Maki shrugs, halfway to closing the door.
“And Maki?”
“Yeah?” she pauses.
“Thanks.”
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nancyheart11 · 1 year ago
Text
Fierce Deity is doing his best (Dad Squad)
The Fierce Deity looked over at his companions, concerned. He knew mortals were fragile beings and he was at a loss for how to help in this situation. If it had been a wound from battle he would have some knowledge of how to help, but after walking through the cold downpour the other day both Rusl and Abel began coughing, constantly sniffling, and had flushed faces that seemed to get worse the more they walked.
Unfortunately they were in no place to set up camp and both men were as stubborn as the Hero the Deity was searching for. When the pace started slowing due to both men struggling to breathe he made sure to match their speed and stay quiet about how slow they were currently traveling, with the hopes that they would soon find a place to take shelter while the two recovered.
As had been their luck so far on this quest, they soon ran into a group of monsters, which was smaller than what they had been encountering thus far. As soon as they were within sight he rushed ahead in the hopes to vanquish the enemy before Rusl and Abel could injure themselves in the conflict. With the last of the monsters slain the Deity looked back and felt the near foreign concern spike at the sight of Abel collapsing on the ground.
Time seemed to slow despite the speed with which he was moving, as hacking coughs were heard escaping Abels chest, where his hands were clenched and his eyes were squeezed tight in pain. Rusl was giving Abel a pat on the back (something the Deity was … less skilled at), before breaking into wet rattling coughs himself. He feared at this rate neither of them would make it to shelter on their own.
While they both insisted they were grown adults, both were small enough that Deity (gently ever so gently with delicate mortal organs) scooped a hand beneath each and cradled them to his side to be able to move swiftly, hoping that help could be found in time. While the sun had been high in the sky when the monsters attacked it was beginning to set by the time the forest they had been in was thinning.
He finally slowed down when they saw smoke in the air and adjusted course to head directly to the signs of civilization. He nearly sighed in relief upon the sight of a small cabin, wood stacked neatly at the side and smoke smelling of roasting meat rising from the chimney. He set the two down softly by the front door and they both broke out in a fit of coughing.
He crouched so that he could knock on the door; that was what Rusl did before entering personal dwellings and he seemed to get the most positive response from people. After a moment waiting where he could hear movement behind the door, it opened. A hylian taller than both Abel and Rusl (though still small to him) with black hair and brown eyes looked at the sash on his waist. His eyes moved up the breastplate, skin turning from a healthy tan to a more pale complexion. Then his eyes rose higher, skin losing blood to an alarming degree. When his eyes landed on the Deity’s face the hylian tipped over, lying unmoving on the floor.
This was … not ideal.
Before he could move to resolve the situation a hylian woman moved into view, saw the man on the floor and glared at him. He raised his hands to show that he was holding no weapons. (he could almost feel the sword on his back burning). The small woman crossed her arms and looked him in the eye
“Well? Ya gon help me move ‘im since ye scared ‘im face paint?”
Before he can do more than blink, a cough from his sick companions catches the woman’s attention. He backs out of her way as she frets over the men, before following her commands to bring them inside. He follows her curt instructions without question, amazed by the courage being displayed despite what he knew would be an intimidating sight, seeing as he was still covered in monster blood.
—--------------------
Abel groaned as he came to, his head felt like a Talus had stepped on it. He started sitting up and paused as a cloth fell to his lap with a muted plop. He started for a moment uncomprehending, before it clicked in his mind that he was in a bed and not a stable one.
Feeling alarm shoot through him, Abel nearly collapsed on the floor attempting to stand. A pair of hands steadying him before he could hurt himself on the wooden floor. A glance revealed the enormous hands belonged to the Fierce Deity. Abel felt relieved at the familiar face, then strange looking at his companion who was not wearing his armor, a sight so unfamiliar that Abel blinked to make sure it was real.
Rusl moved into view holding a bowl that smelled amazing, his face breaking into an easy smile at the sight of Abel.
"You're awake! How do you feel?" Abel's growling stomach got a chuckle out of Rusl as the bowl was pushed in his hands, warmth seeping into his chilled fingers.
Abel decided questions could wait after the first spoonful, which was soup of decidedly better quality than either of his companions could make. Once he'd scraped the bowl clean Rusl handed him his clothes, much cleaner than they had been in … a while.
A woman came around the corner with the Fierce Deity trailing behind her, holding several ridiculously large pieces of wood.
"Oh! Yur up then? Let me know if ya need anythin else while you's here. The big ones been an amazing help during you's recovery!" This was said with a smile which seemed rare on her worry lined face.
Abel gave a nod and let her move past unhindered. Rusl had left at some point during the exchange and came back with a bag? Then he opened it to bring out Abel’s sword, which looked more polished than it had ever been since the calamity.
His head whipped up to see a slightly penitent smirk on Rusl's face.
"I hope this helps, I always feel safer traveling with a freshly cleaned and sharpened sword."
Abel simply stared, noting that Rusl still looked pale himself. The lengths these men would go to, for someone who refused to talk about his life before the calamity…Abel felt a smile tug at his lips, unfamiliar after so long spent with despair as his companion.
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lamuradex · 29 days ago
Text
Spooky Short Story:
Frame by Frame
Wordcount: 2285
Description:
So here’s a story the news reports might have missed. It’s about a high speed camera, a suicide, and a countdown timer. It’s also the story of what waits in the spaces unseen by the human eye, and how if you’re able to see them, then that means they might just be able to see you too.
Technology keeps getting faster. The internet connects instantaneously. Planes fly quicker than sound. Banks work at light speed. And all of this is seen as progress. But not to everyone.
None of those developments were interesting to me and my friends. Not to us. No, we were interested in seeing things go slower. Much slower. We were interested in cameras. High speed cameras, to be specific. The capturing of moments, near invisible moments, and putting them on film before they were gone.
This was our passion.
Fortunately, cameras kept getting better right alongside everything else. Because of course they did. Better slo-mo, higher definition, faster shutter speed. And we thought it was beautiful. Most people thought it was pointless. After a certain point, footage fidelity is better than what the eye can even perceive. Film can only be so smooth before the limitation isn’t with the tech but with the human watching it.
But that didn’t really matter to us. With our cameras, we could watch a hummingbird flap its wings, frame by frame, and see how it stayed aloft. We could see the tiniest actions, normally missed by the eye, slowing it all down and looking at the individual frames. Single images which made up the moving picture. We saw beauty that most people missed, and we’d always been happy with that, loving these images and sharing these miracles between ourselves. But technology could only go so far.
That was until the Hyper Eye was developed.
The Hyper Eye Camera, invented by Dr Wilson Abbott was set to revolutionize slow motion film. Within days of its announcement our boards and forums were buzzing. The Hyper Eye was supposedly able to capture 500,000 frames per second. In the span of a single second, half a million images would be captured. It even had a special storage device, custom built to hold the footage, each frame viewable in crystal clear clarity.
And so, we all hunkered down to wait. And we were excited.
Abbott was still building the camera however, promising to give regular updates on his progress. Of course, it was also going to be obscenely expensive, but only one of us actually had to buy it. Then the rest of us could enjoy the results second-hand over the net.
Fast-forward to three weeks before the official launch. We were still excited, of course, and Abbott had been chatty in the interim. Updates, updates, more and more. Then less and less, the updates slowing to a trickle, days passing between them. But this was to be expected really, he was a busy man, but rumours soon began to circulate that the project had been canned. It was a worrying thought, with everything we’d invested, but we still had hope. Then, one week before the official launch date, another update dropped.
“First full test of Hyper Eye today. Set your watches, my intrepid followers.”
That was the last post we’d ever see from Wilson Abbott, not that we knew it at the time. We were just excited to see the footage. That was until Abbott went silent. No posts, no updates, nothing. We all just assumed he was preparing for the release, too busy to post. He was a busy man.
Then along came Harper.
That was their internet handle; Harper37. An account that started posting images to their own private board, images by the thousands. The story, as Harper told it, was they had somehow hacked Abbott’s computer and downloaded an early glimpse of the test footage. It all seemed legit, as legit as illegal hacking could be, but we didn’t care. We had the footage, frame by frame. We had our entertainment.
For hours on end, Harper37 posted the individual frames as separate images for all to see. Harper also posted the test footage, the full ten seconds of it. Okay, sure, ten seconds doesn’t sound like much, not until you realise that meant over 5 million individual frames for us to work through and examine.
Yes, it was insanely nerdy, but nerdy as it was, we were excited.
The footage itself was simple. A blank wall, then Abbott enters the frame with a balloon, pops the balloon, and then leaves the frame. Apart from a small bit of balloon on the floor at the end, it was pretty much a perfect loop. And Harper37 kept posting the frames on his board, image after image, hour after hour… until his site crashed under the strain.
By this point, a few of us were finding this a bit fishy. This was a lot to hack without getting noticed, and the last image he posted before the site crashed was just an empty black frame. This all seemed strange, and a lot of people began to theorise that it was a con. Maybe he’d ask us to pay for the rest. Premium prices to keep his site running.
But no. Later that day, Harper37 posted the whole file for us to download, free of charge. It was gigantic, but each image was ludicrously high definition. All of us indulged in our little hobby, sad as it may seem to outsiders. We started working through the frames, examining them one by one, all very impressive, enjoying the fidelity of each image, even if a lot were very similar. Between the frames you could see changes the eye would simply blur into something constant. The light pulsing, or Abbott moving microscopically, or the balloon rippling against the air.
It was still a lot of images to sift through. You could track people’s progress by their comments, but it was pretty dry, even by our standards. Most of the images were barely different, and 100,000 images in (about a fifth of a second) Abbott was just barely visible at the edge of the screen. And that’s where the first black frame was, the same one Harper37 had posted. A single black frame amongst millions. But we just thought it was a moment where the light failed for a millionth of a second. Pitch black for less than a blink.
We kept going, searching, appreciating… until the news broke.
It was two days before the official release of the Hyper Eye, which we’d half forgotten about, when the local news reported the death of Wilson Abbott. His cleaner found him dead in his home, the gun still in his hand.
We were all in shock. Even so, it didn’t stop us working on the images. We sent our prayers, paid our respects, and kept on working. Around the same time, people found another black frame, another 100,000 frames after the first. We even thought we could see Abbott in this one. A strange sort of epitaph.
There wasn’t much coverage on the news, but there were a few online articles. “Professor Wilson Abbott found dead in his home.” It was clearly suicide. He had been found at his computer, with a countdown clock running on the screen. Stress over the release of the Hyper Eye seemed most likely.
Over the next few days, another few black frames were found, myself and others seeking them out due to their oddity. There was definitely a figure of some sort in the dark. A tall, thin figure. This was a little odd though, as Abbott had always been a bit on the pudgy side. But maybe sometimes the camera subtracts ten pounds rather than adding it.
We kept searching.
Within a week, someone had found the tenth black frame, approximately two seconds into the footage. Each black frame was somewhere close to 100,000 frames after the last. In this one though, we could even see a face.
It was not Abbott.
It was distant, but it wasn’t him. Abbott was dark skinned, wore glasses, and was broadly what you might call fat. This face was pale, even yellowish in places. From its position, it seemed tall, taller than Abbott, and its features were thin and stretched. Best described as gaunt. Gaunt, twisted, and half hidden in shadow.
The part not in shadow though was… upsetting.  It looked broken. The skin was cracked, yellow patches like desiccated flesh. There were no visible teeth, or even lips, its lower face shrouded in darkness. The figure’s heavy brow shadowed the eyes and most of its nose was missing, like a zombie or something.
Needless to say, we weren’t happy.
Most of us thought it was a prank. Harper37, or someone similar, scattering these images through just to scare us. Harper claimed that it wasn’t him, how he’d been too busy to put the images in, especially on such short notice. But it hardly stopped us. Even with no answers, we continued to search.
As we searched, so did the police. Someone who lived near Abbott reported the police were still looking around his home. This seemed strange, as it was a simple suicide. We were also puzzled by Abbott’s countdown timer. It was a digital countdown, hosted online, paid for by Abbott, found within a few days of his death. The site just showed a timer counting down to sometime six months after the Hyper Eye’s release. And with the police still buzzing about, we were all a little suspicious.
Days went on and more black frames were found, the strange face becoming more illuminated with every image. Closer and closer. Patchy shoulders, then arms, long and thin. No visible clothing, but its skin was yellow and ragged, with red poking out of gaps. Tufts of pale hair around the head, and the mouth agape, its eyes still in shadow. Some people even believed they could see the front of a foot.
Questions and theories continued to circulate. Was it an elaborate joke or some advanced marketing gone wrong? How had Harper actually gotten the film? Had Abbott committed suicide or had it been staged? And there had been no word on the Hyper Eye camera itself, which surely should have been found in Abbott’s home.
All the while, we kept searching.
Eventually, someone found the last black frame. One every 100,000 frames for the full ten seconds, fifty black frames to examine. The unusual figure took two full steps in that time, which was enough for it to step more into the light.
It was hideous.
Tall and thin, limbs hanging and frail. Skin pale and broken, flakes hanging off and red flesh underneath. But beyond that, it was simply… wrong. Just wrong. Three fingers on one hand, but six on the other. Tufts of feeble, grey hair in small random patches. The skin that wasn’t flaking was thick and leathery, resembling scales. Bones protruded like fractures from the shoulders, elbow and neck.
You felt like it was looking right at you, through the screen. Staring with those dark, black eyes.
News spread of people deleting the files in fear. Every time you looked you saw another horrid detail. A feature out of place, a muscle, a tooth. The footage was done though, there was nothing more to see, so everything from there was left to the theorists.
That was when more news broke. Harper37 had been arrested.
The police found the Hyper Eye camera in Harper’s house, stashed in a back room. Harper screamed that he didn’t kill Abbott. He screamed about the black frames. He clearly had a few mental issues, but he was taken in for questioning.
The truth was that Harper37, real name Billy Harper, had broken into Abbott’s house and found Abbott dead. He stole the Hyper Eye and left, but had nothing to do with the death. He was quickly sentenced and punished, just a few months in prison. Of course, it wasn’t long before someone got hold of Harper’s files somehow, hoping for more footage.
And that’s exactly what they found. Harper had filmed his own Hyper Eye footage. The footage was simple, just five seconds of a pendulum swinging, but Harper had found black frames in that too, another twenty five frames. They showed the same twisted figure, this time from the side, with it turning to look at the camera over the five seconds, staring straight down the lens. Staring with those dark, black eyes.
But that was not the last image.
It wasn’t from Harper’s footage. It was the last black frame from Abbott’s original test. The twisted, hunched figure, staring through the camera, its eye sockets dark and cold. The image had been processed to improve its clarity.
Specifically, to brighten it.
And in what had been shadows, stood hundreds of new figures. They stood behind the first, each as deformed and twisted, but in new and gruesome ways. Warped limbs, harrowed teeth, black, glassy stares. Many were walking, some were sitting, some rising to their feet. And each one staring into the camera. Following it. Walking towards the light.
Many of us wrote it off as nonsense. As a joke or some trick. But others think the Hyper Eye saw something. Something we weren’t meant to see. Something that wasn’t meant to see us. Apparently the government has it now, and they’re not giving it back. There’s a petition to get it released, but I’m not worried about that.
No, I’m not worried about that at all.
Because I can’t stop staring at Abbott’s countdown timer, how many seconds we have left, and counting the black frames until then.
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avoidingcertaindoom · 1 month ago
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Whumptober Day 9
OBSESSION
~~~
“Please tell me you're inside.”
“I am at home, on my floor, with the door locked from the inside.”
“I hear wind--you're on the goddamn fire escape again aren't you Lo?”
Iloaina snickered and blew a plume of smoke from her predicted perch. Her legs kicked where they dangled over the edge. She sat opposite the ladder, legs and arms wedged between the railings in lieu of any actual safe handholds. “Lorraine said I can't host you in a smoky flat. I want to be able to babysit when the little one is here!”
“Hmph.” Jove grumbled something inaudible between the variable phone service and the groaning winds of the night. “I guess you have news then?”
“Can I not have a call with my friend without glooming the mood?” She flicked ash free of the end of the cigarette while adjusting the volume of the call.
Jove creaked, or rather his desk chair did as he sat back. Aina could just see the ancient thing. Worn smooth every place one's back and shoulders could reach from sitting, with leather cracking and flaking at the corners. Lorraine had suggested, then offered, then even bought a more modern chair for him in an effort to replace the “eyesore”, but the both of them knew the chair would stay until it gave out. He was that particular about the pieces of his father he was able to keep at home, and Iloaina was the same way with her own parents.
“Did you hear me?”
“Hunh--?” She choked on her next attempt at inhaling and had to hold herself up on the railing as she started hacking. “I-ha-I'm sorry?”
“I was saying, if you ever manage to catch your breath, you only smoke on calls when you have Haze news.”
He wasn't wrong. It was supposed to help settle her nerves to share such news for one, and gave her something to do with her hands while she did her best to explain.
“Fine, spoil my surprises.” She grumbled, debating but deciding not to put out the cig before the hard part was over. “I got some news about a home in Kyoto and activity tracing back to it. Check your leads folder.”
The sound on the call got distinctly more ambient as he switched to speakerphone. “Makimura? The home from the Makimura murders?”
“That's the pin at the center, from a few years ago. Since then there's been all sorts of suspicions. Disappearances, fires that never damage the integrity of the house enough to take it off market, even a few alleged crime junkies who leave the house changed. All key indicators in common with the other locations.” She tucked her legs underneath her before she could rattle the fire escape with her excitement.
Said excitement wasn't as infectious as she might have hoped. “Why is it condemned if all is structurally sound?”
“They're playing at damage control.” Specifically, the Collector had called in a few favors. There was an object du jour somewhere in the wreckage of that family home, allegedly, and he was happy to pull strings if she promised to bring it back. “Should be standing long enough for us to find something, at least if we fly out soon enough.”
“Define soon?”
Her hand paused inches from her lips while she searched the skyline for something to focus on. “When is best for you?”
“Lorraine is six months pregnant, a good time isn't really all that near for me.”
“It'll just be a week--less than a week! I'm not stealing you away for her last trimester.”
“Lo--”
“And! And I'll fly back with you and play maid for the rest, even! Lorraine won't have to worry her pretty little head about a thing.”
“I don't know…” He had to know. Had to figure something out. They'd promised, he promised, to do this together. “I'll have to discuss with her before I do or promise anything.”
“Right, totally understand.” Her chest burned. It was a good reminder why she saved the habit for when she needed to make these sorts of calls, the comfort for her nerves almost as invaluable as the ache that remained. “‘m gonna head back inside, talk to you later?”
“Of course. Stay off that rickety thing will you? I can hear the metal groaning!”
She heaved a sigh of faux exasperation and bade him farewell before ending the call, and then proceeded to take such a long drag from the remains of the cigarette that the orange burning at the other end stung the back of her fingers.
She needed to take a long, hot shower to scrub the smell of smoke off her skin and then do the same with a toothbrush and a scalding hot pot of peppermint tea to rid her tongue of the taste and feeling.
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iviarellereads · 1 year ago
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Artificial Condition, Chapter 1
(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For the link index and a primer on The Murderbot Diaries, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)
In which we catch up with our pal.
SecUnits don't care about the news.
Murderbot never paid much attention to it, even after hacking its governor module. Entertainment is less likely to ping alarms, while news is carried on channels closer to protected data.(1) And, of course, news is boring and it never cared.
Now, as it crosses a station, it skims a newsburst while mostly just trying to get through the crowd without attracting attention. Fortunately, the humans of all sorts are too busy with their own journeys to pay it any mind. It has worried a little about security drones scanning for SecUnit specs, since they're all identical, but they shouldn't unless instructed to do so specifically, and nothing's pinged MB yet.
MB is very pleased with how well it's navigated so far.
Then, in the newsfeed, it sees… itself.
It stops near a food court, so people will think it's deciding where to eat, and pays more attention to the news. The image it saw was from the lobby with Pin-Lee's comment to the reporters, and credits MB simply as "bodyguard". The story mentions Mensah buying the SecUnit who saved her(2), as a human interest note to soften the grisly details of the body count. But, the journalists are only used to seeing SecUnits in their assigned roles, and usually in armour, so they haven't yet connected the new augmented human in the Preservation team. Which is good, because it increases MB's confidence in going undetected as itself.
The rest of the story covers how the company, DeltFall, Preservation, and three other political entities are joining forces against DeltFall, even as they fight each other over bond guarantees and jurisdiction.
Still, the newsburst is days old, and now MB wonders if the official news channels will have anything more recent. But, the higher priority is keeping moving.
On that note, MB keeps moving toward the transit ring. It can't use the typical facilities to purchase passage, as weapons scans will reveal it immediately unless it hacks the scanners, and it has no currency so it would have to hack the payment machines as well, and that's just too much work.(3)
So, MB catches a bot transport to the bot-driven transport section of the ring, and downloads some new media, and thinks about why it left Mensah and what it might want out of its life and freedom. Though, before it can have any of that, it needs to answer one very important question, and to do that, it needs to go to a specific place, with only two bot-driven transports leaving in the next cycle. The one leaving later is the better option, as it gives MB more time to talk the bot around.
I could hack a transport if I tried, but I really preferred not to. Spending that much time with something that didn’t want you there, or that you had hacked to make it think it wanted you there, just seemed creepy.(4)
On the way to the cargo transport, it does have to hack an ID-screener and some weapon-scanning drones, as well as a bot guard, but it just deletes any record of its existence, which is downright easy compared to what it usually has to do to work with company equipment.
The first dock it tries, with the bot transport leaving later, has a bunch of humans there dealing with an accident. Reluctantly, because it shouldn't be here in the first place, it goes to the other bot transport. The newsburst has it rattled, and it wants to escape into its media ASAP.
The other transport is a long-range research vessel, currently assigned to an uncrewed cargo run that will stop at the place MB needs. It's owned by a university in this system, and the cargo runs pay for its upkeep between assignments. MB would really like the twenty-one gloriously isolated cycles between here and its destination.(5)
MB finds the research transport, and pings it, receiving a return ping almost immediately. It gives the same offer it gave the first transport: all its media, serials, books, music, and some new shows it picked up on this station, in trade for a ride where it's going.(6) It offers the same explanation for its presence, as well: a free bot making its way back to its human guardian.
There was a pause, then the research transport sent an acceptance and opened the lock for me.
=====
(1) I find this a little suspect, as far as explanations or worldbuilding choices go. I'm not an expert in any sort of communications methods, but I don't feel like this tracks with what I do know about broadcasts or feeds generally or how they'd logically be laid out if they did work this way. (2) That feels like a romance novel title. Technically, it's almost exactly a romance novella title: The A.I. Who Loved Me, book 1 in Alyssa Cole's The Hive series. (Book 2 has no info yet, but book 1 was really cute, I thought. In case anyone wondered.) (3) MB being relatable again. Why do all that work just to look respectable, when you can sneak around and get your real work done in peace? (4) Gotta agree. Even if they can't retaliate against you, either of those just sounds… awkward, at best. (5) Is it just me, or does that sound like the sort of phrase that would not come true when stated in chapter 1 of a book? (6) I could question why a bot transport couldn't download its own entertainment from the feed, but MB's explanation of the feeds possibly raising alarms about bot access have already more or less answered it. As a part-human construct, it probably has access that can look less suspicious.
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the-silent-judge · 2 years ago
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I can't draw yet, but I do have some stuff about my Deputy oc :0
-Her name is Em/Emma B. These are nicknames, however. The only one within Hope County that knows her actual full name is Whitehorse, just for the sheer fact that he is the head of the Sheriff Department and is thus her boss. Of all the nicknames provided by Hope County, she likes Rook the most.
-Raised in a small Colorado mountain town as a child. A bad fight with her parents as a teenager made her leave home. Was aimless for a couple of years before taking a job as a farm hand in a farm near Hope County. After seeing and hearing about the cult + John buying out the farm she worked for, she quickly joined the Sheriff's Department as an impulse to attempt to help with the cult
-Youngest member of the Hope County Sheriff's department by a sheer year or two. Took the role of 'department baby' right out of Pratt's hands. Can't imagine he took this too well but it's not like he's gonna tell anyone
-4 foot 11. Yes. She is tiny as hell. Makes the saying 'the smaller you are, the closer you are to hell' a scientific fact with her sheer existence however
-She has short, red hair that is too curly and fluffy to really style too much. Large, bright 'yellow' eyes (she claims they're amber. It's more of a light, warm brown tone. Think honey).
-The worst impulse control known to man. Roads? Roads do not exist. People will see her burst through the forests on a out of control ATV and watch as she crashes into 27 rocks and 58 trees while somehow miraculously surviving.
-Secretly loves the cult's music. She can, will, and has listened to it in any way she can if a radio is present in the vehicle she uses. If someone gets in the car with her, usually the moment she turns it on, they're blasted with 'OH LORD! THIS EARTH WAS MADE FOR US!!' before she will violently and quickly turn it off. There is but a moment of silence before she just "....That was a hack- Wow, Ok, this is so rude of the peggies to just hack into my radio like that, can you believe that-?? I know rude and the fact that they literally hacked my car radio to play that song is- wow! Wooow-"
-Of course, no one believes her. Do they speak of it? Course not.
I have a mini AU where instead of killing the Seeds, the deputy simply slaps a 'Junior Sheriff' sticker on their chests and drags them off to have them help beat Joseph and unfuck the messes they all made! Here's some fun bits on this with dear ol Em!
-John was the first one she dragged along. He hated it, but it wasn't like he was going to miss up on an opportunity to skip out on death. Tried to use the flimsily holographic sticker as a way to get what he wants. That was shot down fast.
-Faith was next. She was less aggressive than John about it, as with the traumas and manipulation of the cult, she was more than happy to help a cause that would take them down entirely. It just took a near death experience to turn her views around. She was the quickest to befriend for this reason for Em.
-Jacob was the epitome of 'Why is it in a cage? Because it growled at me...' arguably the hardest to get to be compliant. Thankfully a bit more relaxed due to the fact his little brother John was present, but it wasn't enough for a small while. During this time of "taming the beast", Em found that he takes wolf documentaries like a baby takes sensory videos. Will stare mindlessly at the phone for hours.
-Upon any of the resistance members questioning Em on her inclusion of the Seeds of all people in their fight, she simply says "We're with the IRS!". This tends to just confuse them enough to keep them quiet.
Im half asleep lmao
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sharpnothashtag · 2 years ago
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The Good Ship CrushWay, Chapter 57
Dukat enters into an interrogation room. He is very clearly upset.
Dukat: What I did was wrong. Voice 1: That much we know. What we don't know is how you did it. Dukat: I told my crew to find a way. Voice 1: How did you hack into Janeway's communication systems? Dukat: I used to work on Terok Nor. I noticed whenever newer Starfleet ships would come to Bajor, there were high levels of hydrochordizine tachyons, but only when they communicated with us or the surface. I told my crew to flood the area with meclichordiphosphate. I saw the hydrochordizine levels drop. Then, I told my crew to try to access their communications systems using our main computer system. It worked. Voice 1: How do we protect future Starfleet ships from this kind of interference? Dukat: How should I know? I only noticed the correlation after a few years of racking my brain. I didn't know it was going to work. Voice 1: And the suicide attempt was just for show? Dukat: No. I wanted to die. Now, I fight with everything I am to stay alive. I want to make my daughter proud. Voice 1: I know. And I think she would be. Would you sit down with a few engineers and technicians to show them what you talked about? Dukat: Of course. Voice 1: All right, then. You're free to go.
Joy is sitting in their quarters. Their eyes are fixed on a point, and they begin to shake. We see inside their head. Joy is flying. They seem upset. They land near a body.
Joy: Joy. You have to rise, Joy. (wiping a tear from their eye) The universe is counting on you. Sissun, Chuti, Keriss--they're all counting on you. You can't give up now. Geordi will finally get all he's ever wanted. (the body twitches) That's it, Joy. Rise! You will make them whole again.
Joy comes out of her vision breathlessly. They stand and press their combadge.
Joy: Joy to the bridge. KJ: What's wrong, Joy? Joy: Have we left the dock yet? KJ: We're about to--why? Joy: (on their way to the bridge) Geordi needs my help. KJ: Let me call him. Open a channel, Ro. Ro: Channel open. KJ: Janeway to LaForge, come in please. Geordi: LaForge here. Joy: (bursting through the door) Geordi! Geordi: ...yes, who do I have the pleasure of speaking to? Joy: My name is Joy; I'm a Kaanor; I use they/them. Geordi: What can I do for you, Joy? Joy: You will be working with Sissun, Chuti, and Keriss when they recover? Geordi: Yes. They still have a few more days before we'll be ready for discussions. Joy: A few more days? (Geordi nods.) I am terribly sorry. We will meet again soon. (the channel closes) KJ: Not to pry, Joy, but that was rather odd. Usually, one handles their own communiques without disturbing the functions of the bridge. Joy: I apologize, Captain. I couldn't tell when I was. As I age, that sense of time becomes less and less accurate. I shall not bother you again in my communiques with Geordi. KJ: Thank you. Dismissed.
Joy exits the bridge without a word. They walk to Daneel's quarters and ring the bell.
Daneel: (running late) Joy? I need to be on the bridge--is everything okay? Joy: I need to speak with you, but it can wait. When will your duties on the bridge be over? Daneel: In about 2 hours. You are welcome to stay here, and I will see you when I return. Joy: How kind of you! Thank you. I shall wait.
A few hours later, in KJ and Bev's quarters
KJ: Well, are you ready? Bev: More than I have ever been. KJ: Is Wesley coming? Bev: Yes, he's very excited. He wants to walk me down the aisle. KJ: I can think of no one more perfect. (a light kiss) Bev: Is it okay that this wedding is a bit more traditional? KJ: Of course. Why wouldn't it be? Bev: Well, I just thought that you'd want it to be a more progressive event. The concept of us both wearing white is so outdated. KJ: Maybe a little, but you love the romance of that old cliche. Bev: Yes, but do you? KJ: Beverly Grey, I am thrilled to marry you. I don't care if you dress me up like a Targ--we've already done the important vow exchanging part. This ceremony is just a ritual: one you found comfort in. I love that about you, just like I love every single little thing about you. Our wedding day is about what makes us us. Part of what makes us us is that you want to have such a unique, vintage wedding. We get to celebrate us, Bev. Bev: I love you, Kate. So much. (a kiss)
Data enters Daneel's quarters and is surprised to see Joy.
Data: Joy. Forgive me, but what are you doing here? Joy: Daneel will be done with their duties on the bridge shortly. When they return, we must speak. You may stay, of course, but I must speak with Daneel concerning the Gratitude Festival. Daneel: (entering, seeing Data) I suppose this is more important than I gave it credit for. Joy, please begin. (they sit) Joy: What does the Peldor festival mean to you? Daneel: To many Bajorans, it is a way to thank the Prophets for their blessings. People write tales of their woes and burn them as a way to start new. Joy: Yes, this I know. But what about you? Daneel: Since I don't believe in the Prophets, I tend to take this time to remember and thank all the people in my life. I spend hours writing out letters to them thanking them for what they have done for me, and coming to peace with that in my soul. Joy: What about those who have died or that you cannot contact? Daneel: I burn those letters. It is difficult to find a place on a starship, but most of the time the holodeck suffices. Joy: And those you see regularly--do you thank them in person? Daneel: I was going to this year, but I haven't before. Why? Joy: There is a way to thank those who have passed. Daneel: Tell me more. Joy: I have found a way to visit with the dead. Rather, I am a way to visit with the dead. Daneel: What? Joy: I am a Kaanor. My people have long had relationships with other planes of existence and pieces of the space-time continuum. I am able to connect with one of my many other selves in other planes or other times. I've discovered that one of my many selves has ventured to the Bajoran version of the Afterlife. Your friends are there-- Daneel: What friends? Joy: Leenik Zidi, Hoannith Zeeda, Nurti Eroso, and Ridi Kaikial. They wanted me to tell you that they send their gratitude this and every year. I thought I would see if you wanted to speak with them. Daneel: (very emotional) W-W-Would I be able to s-see them? Joy: Yes. Daneel: (trembling) Data? What should I do? Data: I will support you in whatever you decide. Daneel: (to Joy) Can I think about it? Joy: Of course. I will be in my quarters if you wish to talk further. (They stand and leave the room.) (Daneel collapses in Data's arms, shaking.) Data: Daneel? Daneel: (pleading) Hold me. Where, when, and who. Data: (holds them) You are on the Starship Aiftadaa. You are Lieutenant Daneel Akares, my partner and tactical strategist extraordinaire. This is the year 2377. You are safe.
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kyrodo · 2 months ago
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If you took basic psychology maybe you'd stop taking actions against people that you've understood on a 90% off fucking discount. You don't have a fucking excuse. Last I recall when R block evaded me likely using his ad, I didn't break into his house. All sorts of stupid shit happens when people get heartbroken and you haven't given people time to recover. You could have fucking waited. Stalking the same way we started our parasocial interaction, communicating the same way we were already communicating, block evading, name changing, emotional posts in places only you would check, looking him up on telegram. Invasive, ridiculously emotional, but par for the fucking course. I'm sorry, what about my actions doesn't make any fucking sense to you asshole? You know I've never looked at a wounded animal and wondered why the fuck they're crying. Cringing in pain or doing whatever it takes to cope with those emotions. The expressions of emotions I made were colorful and loud, but I didn't do a single thing to you bitch. If only you gave people more than a week to fuck off, or better yet actually wanted them to in the first place before hitting them with a fucking ruler.
How many times do you need me to remind you that your actions are purely aggressive, not reactive. You deliberately sought my attention looking for me to respond to something the moment this should have been fucking over. The moment I was finally about to get out of your hair but the iron was still hot. When a part of me would still be searching for hope false or not. And you made a fucking decision. Decisions like yours come with a fucking price tag.
Had I been dealing with anyone else in your position I was still well within my lane in the grand scheme of things that happened and what I felt. Too bad you're not most people. Only you would choose the third option not a week in after I said this was over. Not many people would hack someone they haven't even tried to talk to. That's all you. This is your answer to every conflict and every dispute that you don't actually give a fuck about ending peacefully.
I don't understand how you fucking live doing shit like that to people. Not because they deserve it but because you want whatever shitty feeling of superiority over people you don't like. I am a near endless source of words when I'm mad, some of which can be exploited by those who want cheap forms of revenge against. But your actions speak louder than my words EVER will.
How can I be so loud, so noisy, but the special bitch of the moment turns out to be you. How does that make any fucking sense? You would have been better off letting me rant and rant till my keyboard broke, poke fun at it with all your friends, block me everywhere, recover, move on talk about me in whatever demeaning way you pleased, and I would have remained the villain here whether you did me justice or not. "Oh look at this asshole who was stalking me on Twitter." You had that advantage and you threw it away. You don't understand how little you had to do to be the hero or the victim at the end of the day. But you don't know when to fucking stop.
Sometimes the best thing you can do about something is nothing at all. Maybe you should try it sometime. This wouldn't be the same tragedy if you weren't a fucking prick.
And think about things from my position for once. Whatever feeling, whatever I'm hoping for. The things I'd be self conscious about and trying to find clues on what's being discussed about me before you start instigating a fucking "zoom meeting" with me. If you had even the slightest sense of emotional intelligence, I'd have so much less to be mad about right now. Just because you like horror doesn't mean you can't be a decent fucking human being. The way I see it didn't take a whole lot of guess work to actually figure me out, you just didn't fucking care.
Even though I used to scatter information about myself to the four winds, you had more than enough immediately visible information not be a fucking bitch.
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punkscowardschampions · 5 months ago
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Casey & Bobby & Maggie
Bobby: [giving when Casey has left for work, Bobby has talked to Maggie but neither of these boys has talked to Janis again yet in my mind, for a time ref]
Bobby: When are you moving out?
Casey: Ask again when you reckon you’re big enough to make me
Bobby: I want to turn your room into a gym
Bobby: Aren’t you ready to leave?
Casey: top gym down the road, you’re hardly hard done by
Casey: and if I were I’d have gone, nowt to run past you before I head off nowhere, our kid
Bobby: Must be a reason you smash the place up
Casey: loads, like
Bobby: You’ve outgrown the spare room, surely
Casey: we ain’t up in the north of england no more, there’s a lack of houses going spare round here
Bobby: Have you thought about going back, you could be near [the jail your mother is in]
Casey: I get it, you’d be rid of us
Casey: but nah, I’ve not thought about making it that easy for you
Bobby: It’s not about me, they’ll want us both gone before long anyway, won’t they
Casey: I’m even less bothered about doing them favours
Bobby: Fine for me, the crying won’t bother none
Casey: his crying never has done me, newborn’s got nothing on that dickhead
Bobby: What do you hate him so much for, what’s he done to you?
Casey: what’s that to do with you
Bobby: Everything, we’re all in the same house, you can’t just leave me out because it’s dead easy to
Casey: he’s the one dead keen you’re kept out of it, have a word with him
Bobby: I’m talking to you
Casey: trying to talk us into moving out, more like
Bobby: I just don’t see why you wouldn’t want to
Casey: yeah I’m a dickhead not to be buzzing to piss away my hard earned wages on sod all but rent when there’s only so many hours of the day to put in shifts
Bobby: You get paid to be out every night, what else would you spend it on
Casey: might be saving it, none of your business whatever I am, last I checked
Bobby: What for?
Casey: leave it out with the knobhead questions, you heard what I just said
Bobby: You ain’t telling the truth
Casey: you ain’t owed it
Bobby: Why can you not talk like a normal person about anything
Casey: good one, coming from you
Bobby: Original
Casey: old ones are the best
Bobby: You can have a laugh about it when you go move in with her
Casey: will do, mate
Bobby: We’re not
Casey: I dunno what to tell you, you who started this chat, catch yourself on
Bobby: You act like you’re so confrontational but you talk about as much as Jim does, fuck all to say 
Casey: I’m working, give it a go yourself one of these days and you might grow up a bit
Bobby: Literally not old enough but whatever, deflect from the fact I’m right
Casey: you’re old enough for cash in hand but nah, ‘course you’d not put yourself out there cutting some dickheads grass or walking their dog
Bobby: As you pointed out, I can’t fucking talk
Bobby: a well-known scam to go door to door with a sign begging for cash like that
Casey: convenient, that
Casey: haven’t shut the fuck up here yet though
Bobby: Yeah, it’s well convenient, made life that much easier
Casey: Jim has yours, go cry to him if you’re gutted about the turn out now
Bobby: And yours
Casey: he wishes
Bobby: You wish it weren’t true
Bobby: and that life wouldn’t be a worse pile of shit if what happened hadn’t
Casey: you’ve not got the first clue about what happened never mind the rest
Bobby: You’re delusional
Casey: bollocks am I
Bobby: You are, the worst
Bobby: at least I know I’m well rid of the pair of them, would rather be deaf than have her as a mother, you really think it could all be alright without me and you hate me for it
Casey: they’re well rid of you, and him
Casey: you pair can’t hack it
Bobby: She couldn’t handle a baby crying, and he’s drinking himself to death over, what, exactly? Being a waste of space?
Bobby: Yeah, they’re well hard and so are you, Case
Casey: what’ve you ever handled
Casey: both of you ain’t owt but the sob story
Bobby: Them, you
Casey: be more believable if he or you weren’t shut away, might as well do her sentence for her, state of what you call living
Bobby: Yeah, be her fault that
Bobby: She deserves to rot for it and she will, you need to let it go
Casey: everybody rots, save your poetry for Lucas’ class
Bobby: You’ve learnt how to speed up the process from the best
Casey: I’ll die happy and young before I settle for living in you two’s misery old before my time
Bobby: Take your own advice and be more believable 
Casey: for who, what you think don’t matter to me
Bobby: Just randoms who don’t care to know your name never mind the fact you’re a miserable prick
Bobby: the easiest audience to fool is one not watching
Casey: tah for that [however old he is] year old wisdom, can get you a job here, you keep on chatting much more shit
Bobby: It’s not hard
Casey: never said it were, it’s a laugh
Bobby: For you
Casey: I’m who’s clocked in
Bobby: Stay away
Casey: make us, I said
Bobby: Haven’t you caused enough problems
Casey: don’t sound like it, you’re still only whinging about ‘em from ages ago
Bobby: You wanna talk about today?
Casey: I’ve nothing to say I haven’t already with actions loud enough even for you, but crack on if you’ve something you fancy adding
Bobby: You think a tantrum adds anything new at this point
Casey: you’ve not let it stop you up to now
Bobby: It’s the only way you communicate 
Casey: I’d shake you an’ all but you obviously never learnt fuck all from her go last time
Bobby: Just what useless drunks they both are, nothing else to be gained from either but what not to do
Casey: you have something you actually wanted or just this trip down memory lane
Bobby: You’ve heard what
Casey: unlucky then
Bobby: Don’t fuck up his life just because you’re jealous
Casey: he’ll fuck up his own, he is
Bobby: Not how you want to
Casey: every way he can
Bobby: You know you’re 2nd best
Casey: least one of us knows something, you don’t know shit
Bobby: There’s no need to embarrass yourself
Casey: I ain’t, I did you in front of your little missus, calm down, she’ll get over it before you do
Bobby: You simp over her
Casey: you’ve got the wrong brother
Bobby: You are
Casey: I’m the right one to shut you up
Bobby: Then they’ll kick you out, suits me fine
Casey: he’d try, that’ll suit me
Bobby: She don’t need to with you
Bobby: so sad
Casey: can turn anything sad, you
Casey: proper knack
Bobby: Your weakness, not mine
Bobby: I can’t stand her no more
Casey: she’ll live, has to stand you for his sake but as he’s too weak to be able to keep her, not gonna matter long
Bobby: What’s that make you, never had her
Casey: 2nd, weren’t it
Casey: and her no nonce
Bobby: You’d be 3rd if she was
Bobby: but don’t worry, I’d not touch anyone from that family, least of all her
Casey: what a massive bloody loss for the lot of ‘em
Bobby: You wouldn’t be, you know
Bobby: quarter life crisis and a massive mistake to be forgiven over
Casey: I know what I’d be, tah
Bobby: Then have some self-respect and don’t let it happen
Casey: have some self preservation and don’t think you can tell me what to do
Bobby: I have, and I’ve told her too
Casey: well brave
Bobby: You two that want to sneak around
Casey: we’ve not
Bobby: Kicked off like I weren’t meant to be there
Casey: no secret I don’t fancy having you about, never did
Casey: why I’m so team Debbie
Bobby: Your mummy issues don’t matter to me
Casey: sod all does to you but Jim and his issues
Bobby: Why would I bother myself with someone who’s wanted me dead since I was a baby
Casey: don’t, like
Casey: piss off
Bobby: You
Bobby: it’s Jim’s house
Casey: he can tell me to leave then
Bobby: She will, so he doesn’t have to find out
Casey: she’ll do nowt of the sort
Bobby: You reckon?
Casey: I told you, I know
Bobby: Guess we’ll see when I give the ultimatum 
Casey: you’ll see, I don’t need no guesses what’ll happen
Bobby: Better secure the sofas now
Casey: better brace yourself, yeah
Bobby: Ha
Casey: finding it funny’d be a decent start, don’t laugh you cry and you’ll not compete with him there
Bobby: You never will but here we are
Bobby: embarrassing yourself
Casey: here you are, only dickhead who reckons there’s a competition
Bobby: Tell yourself
Bobby: Who’d she pick, over and over
Casey: whenever I need her, here she is too
Casey: tell yourself whatever else you want that you reckon changes the fact even a bit
Bobby: You’re the one who can’t hack how it is
Casey: and you can’t how it’s gonna be
Bobby: You just want to fuck up his life
Casey: *he just wants to fuck up his life
Casey: can’t help himself but to
Bobby: It’s down to you and her
Casey: me and her ain’t done nothing except be mates, you’ve been ready to rub that in enough it should stick in your head, like
Bobby: She’s your brother’s missus, not a mate
Casey: she’s both and chuffed to bits with that
Bobby: You don’t have mates that are girls
Casey: ‘cause I have her, I don’t need no others
Bobby: ‘Cause girls aren’t mates
Casey: not to you, nah
Bobby: How he raised you
Casey: he never raised you, why are you such a sexist twat
Bobby: I’m pointing out your hypocrisy 
Casey: go on
Bobby: You treat girls like that, then act like you think she’s special, like I’ll believe it
Casey: she is special, believe what the hell you like
Bobby: Jesus Christ
Casey: in a bit, I’ve drinks to pour
Bobby: I sure hope not
Casey: take more than your hopes to send us packing
Casey: but don’t let ‘em get too high if I’m at my girlfriend’s
Bobby: Why would I 
Bobby: I don’t need your cooperation, I caught you two out, there’s no better leverage
Casey: alright, have fun playing pretend 
Bobby: Backatcha
Casey: I do every night
Bobby: Exactly
Bobby: or did you think I’d buy that bit
Casey: I’m not selling you nowt, come back when you’re older
Bobby: Come back when you’re not using titles because it saves remembering a name
Bobby: but don’t
Casey: I’ll show up to get her a sign name, only ones you use any road
Bobby: You might not be able to spell but you already know how to do whore
Bobby: you can’t even convince yourself, you’re so incapable it’d be a laugh if it weren’t so SO sad
Casey: my phone can spell, same as yours can speak for you
Bobby: and all the mindless sex with all the mindless bitches will fill the hole that was left, same difference, super happy for you and whoever’s next when you scare this one off
Casey: tah, means the world to us
Bobby: Bet you wanna introduce her to Ian, don’t you
Casey: save your pocket money
Bobby: Tell her about your mummy in prison and that’s why you’re allowed to punch holes in walls
Bobby: you’re so funny
Casey: you’re as unfunny, see why you’ve no mates
Bobby: You let yourself get used for free drinks, am I supposed to envy your desperation to be liked
Bobby: I don’t, sorry
Casey: you’re desperate to copy him being a mardy git, have been since you was the little kid he still treats you as
Bobby: Or that’s the normal response to having shit family like you lot
Casey: if he cared about you having normal responses you could ask the shrink he’d send you to
Bobby: I’ll just chuck a chair the next time I have some big feelings, get one for free like you
Casey: still copying another dickhead instead of having your own personality, but least it’d do you some good
Bobby: Worked wonders for you, oh wait
Casey: get what you pay for
Bobby: Has to be something to improve
Casey: that’s a point, left it a bit late to kick off now, you
Bobby: You thinking you’re anything but the loser you were born is what’s really the baffling part
Bobby: Can’t help yourself, right
Casey: like you can’t being thick, be brain damage and that
Bobby: Wow, what medical journal you read that in
Casey: I don’t read, left that too late myself
Bobby: *can’t
Bobby: but you can wait on people, so minimum wage jobs will always be there for you
Casey: yeah, and I’d not ever reckon myself above them
Bobby: Be a really thick thing for you to reckon, like you’re capable of a real relationship
Casey: be 2nd for that an’ all
Bobby: Knowing your place is the only way to stop yourself showing all your cards and how thick you are to the world
Casey: the world don’t give a shit, you’d know that if you weren’t still acting like a baby
Bobby: Long as you keep pouring the drinks with a smile
Casey: chance’d be a fine thing, how you keep on and on
Bobby: You started it
Casey: nah
Bobby: Yeah, you let me catch you
Casey: at what, dickhead
Bobby: At what you’re always doing, waiting for her to let you fuck her
Casey: at nowt, you’ll have to keep waiting for something to run to your fave big brother with
Bobby: I care about him not knowing, unlike you
Casey: you care about yourself, he loses it you’re fucked
Casey: what you don’t get is, the day’s coming without my help
Bobby: Which is why I’m doing everything to stop you and her and everything else fucking with him
Bobby: you don’t care
Casey: you can’t stop him fucking with himself, what’s in his head’s what matters
Bobby: Like you’d do anything to help, have ever
Casey: like you’d remember
Bobby: That’s the past
Casey: where he lives
Bobby: You
Bobby: You act like I weren’t there just because that’s how you’d prefer it
Casey: you might as well have not, Jim all but carried you ‘round like another camera of his, a fucking object, ‘cause he’d prefer you’re just an extension of him
Bobby: No prizes for where he picked that up and why
Bobby: are you jealous of me or something, still
Casey: I feel sorry for you
Bobby: You think I replaced you
Casey: I think you didn’t need to be as pathetic as this, as he’s made you
Bobby: Let Ian do it instead and what
Bobby: be your brand
Bobby: it was never going to be any different, not since she crippled me
Casey: it could’ve, still bloody could
Casey: you’re [however old he is]
Bobby: She ruined any chance I had, I thought you got that, you bring it up more than anyone
Casey: he’s done the proper ruining
Bobby: You want to saint her so bad, why
Bobby: what is wrong with you, even if you hate me
Casey: his brand, that, martyrs and saints
Casey: she’s a fuck up, we all are
Bobby: She’s scum
Casey: me too
Bobby: If that’s how you want it
Casey: it’s how it is
Bobby: Then go be with her
Casey: I can’t for [however long she has left from now], when she’s out I’ll piss off sooner than you can ask
Bobby: Why
Bobby: She never asked to see you, you know she could, even after what she did, it was her right
Casey: why not
Bobby: Your funeral, I guess
Casey: still ain’t guesswork needed
Bobby: Long as it's over, then my work is done
Casey: they’ll be over before her sentence, you wanna work out what you’re gonna do then
Bobby: No they won’t
Bobby: She’ll fix it if she’s not distracted by your bullshit
Casey: they’re not fixable
Bobby: She did it before, and you know it
Casey: hope you’re at least convincing yourself
Bobby: She’s the only thing he cares about
Casey: shame she don’t feel the same
Bobby: The second chance is for him but she gets to benefit
Casey: alright, Bob
Casey: sure she’ll feel the benefit if only that
Bobby: She was about to wreck her life for no reason
Casey: his head, you mean, for reasons you can’t get yours ‘round
Bobby: Don’t act like you could give her what she’s looking for
Casey: I don’t put on no act for her, that’s the difference between me and him
Bobby: They couldn’t know each other any better, it’s been [however many years]
Casey: neither could me and her, been the same number of years
Casey: she knows the score
Bobby: Great
Casey: it is what it is an’ all
Bobby: Yeah, I could point out that it’s not the same but what’s the point now
Casey: you get it finally, there’s no point you doing none of this
Casey: well done, mate
Bobby: You think that lowly of her yet you’re obsessed with her, that makes no sense
Casey: awkward, now I’ve gotta take it back, you don’t get it still
Bobby: You don’t wanna admit it one way or another
Casey: none of your business either way, might be why
Bobby: Whilst it works in your favour, her being a slut is a-okay
Casey: gutted for you you’ve never met a real slut to know the difference
Bobby: See, transparent 
Casey: yeah, sounds about right
Bobby: I feel sorry for you
Casey: see if he’ll take you to have your eyes checked before he feels too sorry for himself to go out nowhere, already a sense down
Bobby: We both know what I saw
Bobby: you’re acting like I’m the one who stropped off about it
Casey: you’re making up for lost time, it’s alright
Bobby: Like I said, all you respond to
Bobby: No wonder you two get on so well
Casey: a reason out the many
Bobby: If you liked her, you’d leave her alone
Casey: you heard, I’ve a missus I like
Bobby: One you met 5 seconds ago or one you obviously don’t like that much because you were here today with Janis so that makes it invalid 
Casey: so was she before she legged it to avoid you
Bobby: I don’t know why you think I’d believe anything you said, you’re a liar
Bobby: it changes fuck all
Casey: leave it out talking to us then
Bobby: There’s nothing else that needs saying, not to you
Casey: [don’t reply like okay then]
Bobby: What did she say? 
Bobby: You have spoken to her, haven’t you?
Maggie: Of course, I said I would
Bobby: And
Maggie: And it went how we expected, like
Bobby: Meaning
Maggie: She denied everything
Bobby: Well what did she say about me telling Jim?
Maggie: That’d she’d tell him herself when he’s home about Case kicking off
Bobby: As if that’s going to distract him
Maggie: No, as if there’s honest to god nothing else to say to him about the day’s events
Bobby: How fucking dumb does she think I am, as thick as him, she wishes
Maggie: She thinks you’re best to leave this all alone, to them, which I tried to tell you myself
Bobby: Er yeah no shit she thinks that’s best, ‘cos nothing will fucking happen to her that way
Maggie: What do you want to happen to her? You talked of second chances, giving her one so nothing bad would
Bobby: Dependent on her doing the right thing, learning from her mistakes and doing better
Bobby: and it’s clear she has no intention from this bollocks
Maggie: You don’t know she won’t
Bobby: If she felt sorry, she’d not be lying and deflecting to make this as easy as possible for herself
Maggie: Feeling sorry don’t mean she’d admit she is to us
Bobby: She’s not sorry, neither is Casey
Maggie: She weren’t never getting on her knees in front of you begging to be forgiven, but none of that means she’s not sorry
Bobby: I don’t need her to, I’m not being unreasonable 
Bobby: That’s not how sorry people act, end of
Maggie: People don’t act the one way
Bobby: Yes they do, you get caught in the wrong, you fix things to the right
Bobby: you don’t go on the defensive
Maggie: Give her time to fix things, show she’s sorry, that’s her way
Bobby: She needs to kick Casey out, that’s the only way
Maggie: But you’re not being unreasonable? He’s nowhere else to go
Bobby: Yes he does
Maggie: Only your da’s then, come on, Bob
Maggie: what’d be reasonable about any of that?
Bobby: He’s a grown man
Bobby: and he doesn’t deserve a room the way he treats us, that’s what’s unreasonable, being that much of a dickhead and thinking nothing will be done about it
Maggie: No one deserves the man your da is and how he treats those ‘round him
Bobby: They’re the same, it’s irrelevant 
Maggie: You’re wanting to condemn your brother to a punishment what don’t fit his crime, that’s relevant to you
Bobby: How doesn’t it, Maggie
Maggie: They weren’t on the sofa necking onto each other, you didn’t walk in on the likes of that
Bobby: It’s not the point
Maggie: The point is, he’ll be hurt if he’s away to there
Bobby: I don’t know why you think I care
Maggie: I think you should
Bobby: You would
Maggie: Yeah
Bobby: He deserves to rot, it’s unforgivable 
Maggie: Jesus no, so few things are unforgivable
Bobby: I don’t care what you think
Bobby: you know nothing about it
Maggie: I know you’re just angry and scared for the future
Bobby: You think you know things, everything
Bobby: you’re the densest person I’ve ever met
Maggie: I don’t care what you call me
Bobby: And I don’t care about your opinion, so do one
Maggie: ‘Course yours matters most, you don’t need to trouble yourself changing it when that’s so
Bobby: I know what I’m talking about, you’re braindead
Maggie: I know my sister’ll try with her husband ‘til there’s nothing else left for her to, that’s who she is
Bobby: She’s not trying, she’s too busy with Case
Maggie: You alone’d have it be a crime her wanting to help him too
Bobby: She isn’t helping Jimmy
Bobby: and she’s not helping him
Bobby: throwing yourself at someone doesn’t fix them, however incredible you think you are
Maggie: She hasn’t thrown herself at Case and she does help Jim, has and she’ll keep on 
Bobby: Defend her all you want, do it somewhere else because you’re just pissing me off
Maggie: You were pissed off ages before my mouth opened, I won’t flatter myself
Bobby: You don’t understand
Maggie: You can’t shout your way to understanding
Bobby: I’m not interested in making you
Maggie: You’re interested in making Casey homeless and Jan more sorry, yeah, I’m lacking no understanding of those bits
Bobby: Oh yeah, boo fucking hoo, poor them
Maggie: Poor Jim
Maggie: you reckon he’d want any of the nonsense, do you really?
Bobby: I reckon he didn’t want to get cheated on
Bobby: all of this is fallout from that
Maggie: None of it’s your decision, Bobby
Bobby: Do you purposefully find the most obvious shit to say to be annoying 
Maggie: You’re annoyed they’re grown men and a grown woman when pointing that out suits what you want to say but not when I tell you, you’re even more annoyed how little say you’ve got about anything right now except slagging me and them off
Bobby: It has literally nothing to do with ‘say’, oh my god
Bobby: they cheated, they’re going to face consequences because he has to
Maggie: Jimmy’s consequences, not yours
Bobby: The consequences 
Maggie: He might not ask them to face none, or the some he does could be properly different to the ones you’ve your heart set on
Maggie: he’s who’s been emotionally cheated on and sometimes the choice is made to go on the same as before they’d the knowing or forgive when they do
Bobby: There’s no choice
Bobby: what will happen will happen because I’ve set it in motion
Maggie: You’ve no choice in what’ll happen next
Bobby: Yes I do
Maggie: For how you act, not how nobody else’s to
Bobby: I’m the only one who’s done anything, so it will be how I’ve made it
Maggie: They’ll do what they’re going to
Bobby: Shows what you know
Maggie: Things don’t stop cos you’re done and you’ve made of them what you want for now
Bobby: They’ve both been told what will happen if they don’t stop and sort out what I’ve said, simple as
Maggie: It ain’t simple though
Bobby: Yeah, it is
Maggie: Never is
Bobby: I get it, that’s how people like you and your sister get away with this behaviour
Bobby: but it’s not happening here
Maggie: You don’t get us at all
Bobby: You’re not complex
Maggie: I didn’t say I was, I said you don’t understand
Bobby: I understand, you don’t like that I do
Bobby: same as her
Maggie: I don’t like where you’re heading
Bobby: It’s nothing to do with you
Bobby: I don’t need your approval, I wouldn’t want it
Maggie: Well, thank god you don’t have it
Bobby: Why are you still here?
Maggie: We’re friends, despite your disgraceful carry on
Bobby: Christ, no we’re not
Maggie: You wish we weren’t
Bobby: We aren’t, that’s that
Bobby: don’t act desperate
Maggie: Sure, you’re not mine but I’m yours, boy
Bobby: No, you’re not
Bobby: you learnt some signs and patted yourself on the back for it
Maggie: It’s you desperate for this to be that
Bobby: That’s all it ever is, and that’s at best
Bobby: feel flattered
Maggie: All it’ll ever be if that’s all you let it
Bobby: Do you have a point
Maggie: I’m here trying, same as she
Maggie: which is all anyone can ever fecking do
Bobby: Try not to fuck up in the first place, that’d be a better use of her time
Maggie: And what of mine, don’t trouble myself to learn no signs in the first place, is it?
Bobby: Looks like it
Maggie: Christ almighty
Maggie: okay then, grand to have the knowing of my standing place
Bobby: Sorry you wasted your time
Maggie: I don’t reckon there’s such a thing, don’t worry yourself
Bobby: I won’t
Maggie: Right
Bobby: You were 0 help with this so fair is fair
Maggie: We’ve our differing ideas of fair
Bobby: Makes no odds
Maggie: None to you, no, you’ve made that clear enough
Bobby: Don’t try for a sob story
Bobby: you inexplicably have lots of friends
Maggie: I won’t
Bobby: Bye
Maggie: Alright, bye
1 note · View note
deyadee · 5 months ago
Text
Fear and Guilt
Earlier today my mom was talking to me about weight loss drugs that I could be taking, apparently there’s a new version of one she takes that’s a pill that dissolves in your mouth. Previously it was a shot that you had to get in the side. I took it once and about passed out seeing it because I’m terrified of needles, then made me feel like I was having a heart attack and my ass was on fire. I’ve refused to go and get those shots no matter how much my mom says it helps her and will help me. I of course want to lose weight and not be such a fat ugly bastard anymore but I feel like any potential future like that for me is damn near impossible. I just feel like I have to give up and accept it. I’m HORRIFIED of needles. Do not put those fuckers anywhere near me and especially not in me. I hate getting shots, I hate having my blood drawn. It physically makes me sick to see one used on me or to know that I’m going to get one. I can sit through tons of gore and violence in horror movies like it’s nothing but the second they bring out a syringe I have to cover my eyes.
I agreed to take the pills but said absolute fuck no to the shot. I’ve had it before and it did nothing but make me feel like I was gonna die. I’d rather be fat than feel like I’m on meth or something. Though my mom and dad kept yelling at me to stop being a pussy and take the shots even though I said I’d take the pills. They said it didn’t even hurt and you didn’t notice it, except that’s what every goddamn doctor says before they stab your finger and juice for damn near 10 minutes. That’s what they said last time I got the shot, it felt like someone was grabbing one of my fucking fat rolls and pinching as hard as they could to cut off the circulation. Then afterwards the bitch that did it put it in wrong and it hurt to sit and my ass felt like it was actually fucking burning. Like when you sit on metal after leaving it in the Florida heat all damn day. Yeah no. I know you think I’m a fucking moron but it does goddamn hurt and before it I have to have a full-on panic attack the second I see them bring out a syringe or finger pricker.
So what does any of that have to do with the title? Sometimes I want to tell them that fear is one of the few things that’s keeping me alive. I feel like I would’ve been gone a long time ago if I wasn’t terrified of pain or giving myself a life-long disability. Sure, I’ve never tried to end it with a syringe, but it’s in the same ballpark. I tend to use a boxcutter, scissors, razor, or what’s in the closet. I never *really* do it because I always pussy out of it before I actually get it done. If I didn’t have that threshold of fear they’d’ve had one less daughter for a few years now.
Though I’m sure someone with their fucking Psych 101 class will come in here and say that fear is also holding me back from being happy because I won’t take one fucking shot when I could instead take the pills. I know fear keeps me back from doing a lot of things. Talking to people, trying to make friends, reaching out, telling someone about all of this, and while you might have a point about those- I think some phobias don’t need to be solved. Like needles.
Another one of my main thresholds is guilt. Just tonight I had a boxcutter and thinking about, the blade out against the thinnest bit of skin on my arm, thinking about my final moments. Then I realized how could I end it now when I planned to go to a street fair later this month, and then a few days later go out with my friend after she comes back from a trip? (Yes, I’m also shocked that I still have exactly one friend. This isn’t Watamote.) Not because I think those events are worth living for, but just because I feel guilty if I didn’t come. Or even worse, if I hit rock bottom and just wanna go home and hack and slash I just think “Do I want them to think I died over some stupid bullshit?” Like to me of course it’s a build up of dozens of different things that send me spiraling, but to the ones the outside it’s just because of some mean-spirited joke from a bitchy little brat. People will find me the next day and think “That ONE thing killed her?” When it wasn’t JUST that one thing, but I don’t wanna put a ton of Emo bullshit like “My TikTok account got deleted, I’m fat, and I didn’t get to go to somewhere I wanted today :(“ I’m so fucking weak and I know I’m fucking weak but I can’t admit it. I can’t tell people that something made me upset or that I’m crying because I feel like a failure. I can’t go out and show my parents this blog about me bitching about what I’m gonna do when we all know I’m not gonna do shit but bum around until I end up in a dead-end life but never do it because I feel like I deserve a miserable life. I could bring myself to show someone this blog. I originally wrote a diary promising that one day I’d leave as a note after I did or bring it to someone to read as a final cry for help. I’ve hid that thing away hoping no one will ever find it. I see it every once in a while and can’t bring myself to read more than a sentence because I sound so fucking whiny and useless, I’m sure if anyone else read this blog or that diary they’d tell me to suck it up and stop being such a fucking bitch about everything. Everyone around me has actual problems yet is so much stronger than me. I’m fucking pathetic and I’m scared someone will find it out eventually, if they haven’t already and just pity me too much to admit that they already know.
Random story, but back a few years ago while my family and I were on a walk in the woods I tripped on the path and twisted my ankle, I sat crying and not moving on the ground for I don’t know how long because I’d never felt pain as bad as this before. My parents had to help me to park bench before going to get the car since I couldn’t walk any farther. My little sister sat on the bench next to me as they went to get the car and had tears down her face. I was confused at why she was crying since she usually didn’t cry unless she was in trouble. My mom told me a few days later that she had been crying since she (Little sister) had never seen me cry before. Typically when I cry unless it’s over the loss of a family member/pet, I tend to hide away in my room and turn off the lights so no one can see me. I cried once or twice in the shower but stopped when my family started asking if I was crying in the shower. So I stopped crying in the shower unless I was completely home alone for a week at a time, or I would bottle it up and wait until everyone had gone to sleep to hide in my room and cry in the dark. It’s stupid, but I hate people seeing me cry. I feel like I’m not allowed to cry. Not because other people don’t let me, but because I feel my chest sink when I do, like I’m wasting other people’s time or being some kind of attention whore. I don’t mind when other people cry and I try to comfort or help them, though I don’t know exactly what to do all the time for them and end up just being awkward. Though when I cry I feel like it’s something no one should have to see. I shouldn’t burden everyone else. I shouldn’t bitch when everyone else has worse problems than me. I shouldn’t cry when I know no one will ever truly love me. I shouldn’t get sad when I break up with or get broken up with my girlfriends, I should just expect it to happen. I shouldn’t be surprised that those girls didn’t *really* wanna be my friend, they just wanted to use me as the one that looks worse in comparison to make them look better. When I cry I want to crawl up in my bed, hide away from the world, and hate myself for it.
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