#guys they bring me so much joy and so much grief at the same time

[ohitslen]

“And when I see you smile, the only natural thing for me to do is smile with you”

Dear diary, I think about two men, fictional at that, all day long to a medically concerning degree.

To be more specific, about how happy it makes me to see them being happy around each other’s presence.

I am also delusional.

[exhuastedpigeon]

Buddie Hiatus Fic Recs - Month 4 August 16 - Sept 15

I think is my favourite rec list for this little project so far. It has some of my all time favourite Buddie fics on it, fics that I've read over and over again because they just bring me so much joy.

Previous lists linked at the bottom!

0-5k

here (in your arms) by devirnis / @devirnis Explicit | 2.3k I have had THE WORST day. When I finally get home, I’m going to pass out and sleep like a rock, and then I want to wake up with you inside me.

the art of peeling mandarins for the one you love by oklahoma / @sunshinediaz Teen | 3.9k Buck asks Eddie to marry him in the kitchen, of all places.

5k-10k

but i've got my teeth in you by oklahoma / @sunshinediazTeen | 5.5k bad things happen bingo—tooth knocked out

you're the cream in my coffee by 42hrb Explicit | 8.6k Buddie coffee shop AU where everything is different, but they’re still idiots in love

wood you be mine? by MonsterRae1 / @monsterrae1 Mature | 9k the Lumberjack Buck fic.

10k-20k

With Great Power Comes Great Pining by Princessfbi / @princessfbi Teen | 10.4k It was the lightning strike. That had to be it. It was the only logical conclusion. Though, when it comes to being able to suddenly read people’s minds, Buck supposed there wasn’t a whole lot of logic involved.

endless numbered days by Daisies_and_Briars / @cal-daisies-and-briars Gen | 13.1k When a big event in the lives of the members of the 118 falls on the same weekend as Bobby's late son's birthday, Bobby finds himself reflecting on grief, fatherhood, and life after loss. 

The Scroll of Saint Barnabas by Amiril / @runawaymarbles Mature | 15k The day of the shooting, Eddie got stuck in a time loop. But that was three months ago. He's completely fine now.

Say Yes, and Figure It Out Afterwards by catwalksalone Explicit | 13.3k Buck and Eddie figure out a mutually beneficial way to deal with the first responder post-trauma cycle of up-horny-down.

Share the Joy by TalkNerdyToMe6 Teen | 14.2k After the lightning strike, Buck discovers he has more than just the ability to do long division in his head. Every time he touches Eddie, everything the other man is feeling moves through him like a wave of emotion, there and gone again. Buck can’t decide if that’s a blessing or a curse.

20k - 30k

light through the wave tips by bvckandeddie (zukkababey) / @bvckandeddie Explicit | 21.9k When Buck and Eddie planned a vacation with their kids over a year ago, they hadn’t exactly planned on bringing a seven-month-old baby along with them. Surely wrangling three kids can't be too much of a challenge—that is, if it weren't for Christopher's steadily worsening mood.

Cutting The Ties That Bind by kristen999 / @thekristen999 Mature | 34.4k Evan Buckley was a businessman, he had meetings and deadlines like everyone else. Sometimes he used intimation. While using the very same tactics he was trying to end while converting his family business into legitimate operations was a little hypocritical, it was the results that mattered.

Occasionally, he got threatened, but it was usually all hot air and ego. That all changed the day his breaks were tampered with. Enter Eddie Diaz, security specialist, who was not easily impressed by Buck’s expensive suits or financial conquests. That was okay. Buck enjoyed a challenge.

30k +

family (portrait) by ProsperDemeter / @prosperdemeter2 Teen | 45.1k realizing that the family that you need has been beside you all along.

like a dog with a bird at your door by fleetinghearts / @shitouttabuck Explicit | 51.1k evan “i love you like a dog” buckley has only ever known how to love like, well, a dog, but maybe eddie diaz is the kinda guy to give a flea-bitten mongrel a forever home

Being Eddie by Daisies_and_Briars / @cal-daisies-and-briars Teen | 79.8 Eddie goes through the time travel therapy process of the 2009 Canadian TV show Being Erica

what a heart can do by bvckandeddie (zukkababey) / @bvckandeddie Teen | 85.5k In which Buck becomes the guardian of the daughter he never knew he had. Together, they discover what happiness truly means to them.

Month 1 (May 15 - June 15) Month 2 (June 16 - July 15) Month 3 (July 16 - August 15)

[blackdragoness]

👀 Who got a reading on you and what was said?👀

PICK A CARD READING

You ever been able to feel when someone’s trying to penetrate your energetic space? I’ve been feeling it a lot lately and have had a strong feeling someone’s been getting readings on me. So I figured we investigate the perpetrator and see what was revealed. If you’ve had this same feeling before, pick a pile and I’ll reveal to you who and what the tarot reader told them.

Pile 1 😎🩸😄🥹

Pile 2 😰😕👍😫

Pile 3 ✍🏽😐🥱😮

—————————————

Pile 1: 😎🩸😄🥹

3 of Pentacles, 4 of Wands, 10 of pentacles

WHO?

This is someone you were cool with in the past but for some reason, you two have been in no contact with each other for a while.

This is someone you may have considered family at one point or maybe you guys are actually family. The energy feels familiar and safe.

Long distance or it’s been a long time since you’ve actually seen/spoken to this person however I feel a lot of love between the two of you.

WHY?

This person misses you so much. I don’t feel like there’s any bad blood here. It feels nice and wholesome. Similar to that of two childhood friends who got swept away by their own personal lives and lost touch with each other.

This person got a reading on you because even though lots of time has passed and you are both on your own paths in life, you haven’t left this persons mind. I’m hearing “an unforgettable presence”. IRREPLACEABLE.

This person got a reading on you because he/she wanted to know if you were actually fulfilling all the goals and plans you guys talked about as kids.

This person wants the best for you and you symbolize hope for this person. They’ve been watching you from afar and yearn for the closeness you guys once had in passing times.

This person got a reading on you as a “check in” to make sure you are okay.

WHAT was revealed?

The tarot reader revealed that you’ve been enjoying a lot of positive karma in your life.

The tarot reader revealed that you’ve been focused on your goals. though it’s been a rough journey in the pursuit of your dreams, you’ve been overcoming so many hardships and battles like a champ.

The tarot reader revealed that you still have lots of love for this person and know in due time, you guys will be reunited again.

The tarot reader revealed that you recently hit a milestone in your life and are being blessed beyond measures right now.

The tarot reader revealed that you are enjoying a lot of light hearted activities. That you might be surrounded by loved ones and family members that bring you lots of peace, joy and happiness.

Lots of positive energy and messages that were relayed to the person who got a reading on you. I’m sensing that all this information brought peace and light to this person knowing that you are still true to yourself. Awww, this person totally loves and admires you. Don’t be afraid to send them a message and reconnect with this old friend. They tear up thinking about the memories you two shared. I feel that the message they received was short and sweet and straight to the point and then they went about their merry way.

Channeled Song: Made For Me by Muni Long

—————————————

Pile 2: 😰😕👍😫

8 of Cups, 10 of Wands, 6 of swords

WHO?

This person feels like someone who caused you a lot of grief and uncertainty. This is someone you walked away from and who you had to set solid boundaries with.

This feels like a no contact relationship but I’m feeling that it was you who initiated this separation.

This person feels grimey and dirty - this could be both spiritually, mentally and physically. Just a nasty person overall.

This person’s energy feels like they are beneath you 🤣 I know that sounds harsh but they are very low vibrational right now compared to your energy.

WHY?

This person got a tarot reading on you because they’re a little bitter. This is what the scenario sounds like: When the player finally gets played and becomes obsessed with the one who got away.

It’s like they didn’t think you were ever going to walk away but when you finally did it shocked them so much. For some reason they thought they had you under some kind of spell?

They got a tarot reading on you because they don’t want to believe that you are actually happy without them 🙄

They were hoping to uncover some nasty truths about you through this reading

WHAT was revealed?

The tarot reader revealed the truth of your happiness to them. That you’ve finally been able to feel whole again ever since walking away from them. That you gained more from walking away in comparison to what you thought you lost when you walked away.

The tarot reader revealed that you have strong boundaries up with this person and that you see through all their deceptive tricks.

The tarot reader told them that you have moved on and have no intentions of ever reconnecting with them.

The tarot reader warned them to stay out of your life and energy field because your ancestors are protecting you from them.

The tarot reader kept it vague and turned their attention back to this person and offered them advice to begin their healing journey.

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹- I keep seeing this emoji in my head as I type this pile. The tarot reader told them that it took a while for you to heal your own heart from the damage they put you through but that somehow, you regained your heart and your strength back. The tarot reader also told this person a few things about themselves that awakened them to heal their own destructiveness.

Lots of things were said to this person that they were not ready to hear nor were they happy about hearing of your progress. “I want God to bless me the way he blesses you.” This person has so much growing up to do and is experiencing their karma. I’m seeing all of the grief they tried to inflict on you, is currently hitting them 10 fold. You are better off without this person. Keep going & stay the course youngin’.

Channeled Song: Feather by Sabrina Carpenter

—————————————

Pile 3: ✍🏽😐🥱😮

6 of cups, Two of Cups, 7 of cups

WHO?

This is someone who you know and are currently in contact with. I’m feeling like it’s a friendship for you, but the other person has developed a secret crush 🤣

The person who got a reading on you is your secret admirer 🤣 this is someone who is probably in your circle of friends and wishes to be something more with you.

This person knows you have many options and feels that you are out of their league and yet they can’t help but fall in love with you the more they interact with you.

Very nervous and anxious everytime you come around. They stutter on their words, talk really fast or become extremely shy in your presence.

That one friend who everyone describes as the life of the party but everytime you are in the room, this person is mute, bland and boring so you never seen this side that everyone talks about. They get this way around you only because of how nervous you make them feel

WHY?

They got a reading on you because they know they won’t be able to get over you and want to strategically plan on how to get you without you being aware of it 🤣

This person knows you have many offers and options, but still isn’t going to back down in the face of competition 🤣

This person wants to ask you out or send you a message confessing how they feel but keep overthinking it. So instead of just being brave and talking to you, they watch YouTube “How does she feel about me?” readings all day to hype up his confidence. Such a cheesy person, omg 🤣

This person doesn’t even care if you already got somebody in your life rn, they are waiting for their chance to pop back up and steal you away 🤣

WHAT was revealed?

Honestly, I don’t know how accurate this part is for you pile 3, so take it with a grain of salt. The thing is, this person has watched so many YouTube Tarot reading videos on you at this point with multiple different storylines that’s it’s confusing to know which one is actually YOUR energy 🤣 but the thing is, he’s going with the storyline that fits his own ego 🤣 so bear with me because this is what (S)HE THINKS you feel 🤣

I guess the storyline he went with is that you’re currently bored with the options you are entertaining currently. You’re not looking for anything serious at this moment and you’re only focused on your goals and manifesting them into reality.

If you have a boyfriend currently, he thinks you are bored and in a bland relationship and feels he can come and save you from it 🤣 he wants to show you what the time of your life really looks like and fantasizes about surprising you with an all paid for vacation. He has a lot of romantic fantasies for you and not all of them are sexual. Like this guy really loves you lol

You could very well be in the relationship of your dreams with the man you truly love but this guy thinks that there is no way you can be having fun because he thinks only he can show you the type of “fun” you’re looking for 🤣🤣 oh my goodness pile 3, this guy is bonkers for you 🤣 so bonkers he’s a little delusional lol

If you’re single, he thinks you’re bored being single and want a relationship and in his mind, no one is more perfect for you than him 🤣

As far as what the tarot reader has revealed about you, it just says you weren’t looking for anything serious with anybody and that includes him 🤣 but I feel like this person doesn’t want to believe that so he steady checking the YouTube readings until he hears what he wants to hear about you 🤣

Channeled Song: Crush by David Archuleta

[cha-melodius]

Hello hello! If I'm not too late for the director's cut ask, would say something about false dichotomy please? I love that fic so much! You've got mail is such a classic and you've made that au so so charming, it brings me a lot of joy 🤍

I talked a bit about the OCs in False Dichotomy here, but I'll take this opportunity to talk about the changes I made from the movie! I'm putting these behind a cut because there are some pretty big spoilers for the fic itself.

@kiwiana-writes wrote a line in one of his director's cut replies about how, when adapting an existing storyline to an AU fanfic, story has to bend to fit character, and I think this fic is the perfect example of that principle. Although the setup of Henry as the heir to a corporate empire and Alex as the 'little guy' does fit at first blush, Henry isn't Joe and Alex isn't Kathleen. In fact, personality-wise, they're just about flopped. There are aspects of Kathleen that are so ridiculously Henry-esque, particularly her love of Pride and Prejudice and also her grief over a parent's death.

I'd like to add, before I get into some of the details, that while I made a bunch of fairly significant changes to better fit the characters, it was important to me to capture the spirit of You've Got Mail. That means not shying away from the small shop's closing, and also staying true to the joy of the finale moment (though this moment comes before the end of the fic). I've read a lot of YGM AUs where, upon the final reveal, the Kathleen-character is often justifiably angry and there's additional angst where the Joe-character has to do some groveling, and yes, it makes sense for those characters to do that, but IMO it kind of fails as an adaptation of the source material because you lose the emotional impact of the original. Which is not to say these stories aren't good or that they don't do what they want to, but to me, the trick to a good media AU is walking that tightrope between originality and honoring the source material. It's not an easy thing to do, IMO. ETA: Of course there are also the times where you like one part of the original media but hate the rest so you say fuck this and fix it, which is completely valid! That's one of the things fanfic is for! I'm also very aware that some people feel that way about YGM lol. But there are those of us who love it despite its flaws, and I wanted to write this fic for them too.

Some more discussion of specific changes I made behind the cut, for spoiler reasons.

Critically, Alex would absolutely not react the same way Kathleen did upon finding out Henry hadn't told him who he was. I strongly felt he needed to be the one to find out Henry's identity first to give him time to come to terms with it and realize that Henry wasn't the person he thought he was. Meanwhile, Henry was much more likely to be forgiving of the long 'deception'/withholding of information because he's been in love with Alex from the start. I also thought having Henry angst over being in love with two 'different' people would be more fun lol.

A big change I honestly always forget about is of course not having them being in relationships with other people. I suppose at the time this was a good excuse for why Joe and Kathleen never met up, but now it's not odd that you might have a long-term internet friendship with someone that never goes beyond online. But I also absolutely did NOT want to fuck with partners and the ending of relationships and all of that noise. No thanks.

I considered doing the 'journalist writes a story about Under the Rainbow' storyline using June as the journalist, but in the end decided it wouldn't really add anything. Instead I added the whole Okonjo shelter storyline, which gave me the excellent excuse to sow doubts in Alex about Henry's awfulness along with being a step forward in Alex's bisexual awakening/coming out storyline.

Finally, I obviously added quite a bit beyond where the movie ends. Romcom movies can get away with end scene on the big kiss, but I wanted to show not only their conversations about what had happened but also the happy ending for Under the Rainbow. It was important to me that it wasn't as simple as the shop closing, the end. I found it kind of funny about how mad some people were about UTR's closing and corporations winning, considering that in the end I freed UTR from the shackles of capitalism to be the best community center/library version of itself.

[merge-conflict]

✒️ writer interview tag

tagged by @luvwich 😼 and definitely didn't forget about this for almost a week

When did you start writing?

I think I was writing self-insert naruto fanfiction when I was 12 lol. After high school I stopped writing for about ten years, and finally picked it up again in 2020 when I was unemployed.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I don't think so- I mostly read SFF but everything I read that I like ends up thrown into my writing in some way or another. I've been wanting to expand into maybe not other themes/genres but other forms of writing? Games writing has a lot of interesting things like handling branching paths & worldbuilding/contextual/found note stuff that I think I would enjoy but I'm not quite there yet.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

No one has ever compared me to writers that I'm aware of and there's no one that I specifically emulate. However after writing a fair amount and then re-reading some of my favored books I can see where I've picked up bits of style. Recently I noticed some stuff from Gillian Flynn and Ann Leckie that I realize I do in my writing as well. I guess for me it's less emulating or channeling a writer than wanting to use one of their tools that I admire, if that makes sense?

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I don't have a writing space per se. When I was really ill I wrote in bed, sometimes I write in my home office. Sometimes I'm standing, sitting, laying down. Most often I have a little lap desk and I'll be in the living room on the couch, either on my laptop or writing on paper.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Annoyingly if I'm not already plagued by something then resting for a while usually brings on a muse. If I'm healthy and emotionally stable then there's usually something scratching at the back of my head that is inspiring me to write. If not, well- then I'm probably not going to get much done or be able to summon a muse.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

Oh boy, yeah. Lots of transgender and identity adjacent stuff. Learning to live with what you have and maybe even like it. Being horny at inopportune times. Characters being forced to consider what they want and maybe even ask for it to turn their lives around. How life is so goddamn weird and messy and beautiful. None of it is surprising in general but I do sometimes get blindsided in editing by how yet again I've managed to hit the same theme (but it feels good!)

What is your reason for writing?

If I don't get the words and the stories out of me I get sick.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

People telling me they want to read more is always really motivating! I also get extremely chuffed if someone says they've had a similar idea to what I had or had read a character the same way- it's like knowing that someone else wants to see the story play out and I need to keep writing it.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I'm just a silly little guy who is also handsome and perfect (and humble).

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I work really hard on balance in writing, and I feel like I do a pretty good job with that one a strategic and tactical level. Things like allowing some time to breathe, and then having moments where things are chaos. Or the tone of a chapter- putting a little laughter in grief, or a some sadness in joy to enhance the flavor. :3

How do you feel about your own writing?

I'm so glad I started writing again, and I'm so glad I never gave in to the early desire to delete everything I didn't like. Mostly how I feel is that it's so much fun, and it's satisfying to write, and I feel like I'm learning on the go. I reread my stuff a lot because it's for *me* and I love it even with its flaws. I made that!

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

I write mostly for myself, although obviously like everyone else I also want everyone else to enjoy it (mostly in the sense that since I like it I think everyone else should too lol). But I realize that's not practical and that's okay too- like I said, I reread my own stuff and enjoy it so while I'm of course always looking for ways to collab or share with others it's really me following my heart.

Not tagging because I'm late to the game and I'm not sure who's already been asked or played. But as always an open tag to anyone who wants to play :3 tag me back so I can read your interview!

[kyouka-supremacy]

Ok here's how Atsushi can still get major character development via shin soukoku. Akutagawa is attacking Atsushi, but stops because he's becoming aware of himself. He's standing still, then looks up and his eyes are normal again. Atsushi smiles in relief, but then sees Fukuzawa is right behind Akutagawa, swinging his blade to get rid of his "defective tool."

And then its like slow motion, and we see Atsushi's thoughts as he moves forward, along the lines of, "Ah. I get it, now. Why Akutagawa saved me." He pushes Akutagawa down and away from Fukuzawa, but doesn't have enough time to dodge for himself. Atsushi's thoughts come up again, "I didn't realize it until now. That I really-" and then we see a large blood splatter on the ground, Akutagawa's horrified face, and Aya's screams cover the rest of the page.

(In my little scenario, we see the shadow of Atsushi's body without a head, calling back to Fukuzawa's comment in chapter 83.5. Akutagawa then violently kills Fukuzawa in blind rage and grief, stabbing through him a bunch like he did to Margaret but a lot more gorey. Then we see Tanizaki emerge holding Atsushi, alive, and the illusion of Atsushi's dead body disappears).

Sskk can still win i swear (smiling through the tears)

I'm proposing

This was such a ride oh my God. I swear to you there's NOTHING ///NOTHING/// better than the feeling of opening the askbox to an ask starting per “Ok here's how Atsushi can still get major character development via shin soukoku” followed by long text. I could get addicted to this.

“I didn't realize it until now. That I really-” is the new “You know the reason yourself don't you”. Like, it's just perfect in everything. You can't imagine how much I'd ADORE to have Atsushi return the favour and sacrifice himself for Akutagwa!!!! Like seriously peoples listen to me. Sskk is ALL about mirroring each other and story repeating itself and I NEED THIS FROM ATSUSHI. I need this growth for him I need Akutagawa to have changed him just as deeply and thoroughly as Atsushi changed Akutagawa. I need Atsushi to save Akutagawa I need Atsushi to require his love I need the circular narrative I NEED THEM. Like Atsushi looking up AND recognizing Akutagawa’s eyes AND smiling? The whole thing about him looking at Akutagawa's eyes and seeing Akutagawa in them - his Akutagawa - and that eliciting pure joy in Atsushi. The fact that Akutagawa is now okay and he can feel him by his side again and can feel his warmth and knows that he's okay. Atsushi being relieved beyond words for Akutagawa being safe. I’m so weak for them I’m going to faint. But seriously all theories aside after this I NEED Akutagawa to snap out of the vampire curse due to the power of love. I’m sorry, peoples' too good theories for my own good set my bar too high and now I need them to make out on screen by the end of this arc otherwise I'll die.

You’re right about everything I swear.  Akutagawa's horrified face I SWEAR it's such a relevant, precious? side of how his feelings for Atsushi effect him, how they make him experience a range of emotions - terror and care and dread and love and horror – that he //literally// never experienced before. And Akutagawa killing Fukuchi on the spot after he thinks Atsushi is dead- just, yes. As a side note, that’s exactly how the Beast version of chapters 84-88 would play out for me. Akutagawa's fury for losing Atsushi... The thing is, one would think that Akutagawa's death is tragic, but I believe that for him having to live in a world without Atsushi would be a way crueler fate. And it would be… kind of meaningful to bring a Tanizaki produced dead Atsushi illusion to the equation, as it would make a nice parallel to him doing it in chapter 4; a recall to how much Akutagawa has grown since then, from causing harm to Atsushi and trying to kill him, to being so inconsolably upset by his death he'd completely lose control and kill someone else for him. And this is the same “I'll kill you in six months” guy. What a loser

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROMPTS they give me life please don't stop

[asachuu]

Paul "I'm not going outside for 6 years bc my partner is the only one i want to see" Verlaine doesn't actually grieve his partner trust me guys asachuu said so

Paul "I'm so sorry rimbaud now that you're gone I'm so terribly sad" Verlaine

my brother in christ asachuu can you actually read!!!!

-rimbaudthursday (sadly still blocked :( )

Um…anon…? I’ll scratch this up to an honest mistake, but…

You are aware that in the very same sentence I do acknowledge his grief post-epilogue, plus that is something I’ve never denied once, I’ve spoken about it multiple times as well, right?

Also, you are aware that I’m talking about every single thing happening pre-epilogue, in which— I’m not sure if we’ve read the same novel, but I’d like to sincerely believe you’ve accidentally skipped over what I quite obviously meant and downright said— Paul explicitly states himself that he hated Arthur, which is then further told to us on multiple occasions, and thanked Chuuya for bringing upon Arthur’s death, all which happened following his betrayal and Arthur’s “first” death…right?

To put it very simply:

Yes, Paul does indeed grieve his partner very deeply, regretting his actions more than anything, AFTER THE EPILOGUE OF STORMBRINGER.

BEFORE THE EPILOGUE OF STORMBRINGER, he does not— in fact, he does the exact opposite, expresses his disdain for Arthur in both words and actions many times, and this is what I’m referring to back in that post— I have absolutely no reason to be talking about Paul’s feelings at the very end when it’s absolutely irrelevant to covering his entire past with Arthur, in which it could not be made more clear those are not his feelings yet.

Additionally, on the chance you’re trying to make an argument of Paul carrying the grief with him up until the epilogue in which it’s made clear even to the audience— I don’t know if this is your opinion, of course, but I’ll say it regardless, just in case that’s what you were aiming at— you wouldn’t believe me saying this, but there is, canonically, at least some hesitation and grief in Paul’s mind shown to us right before he pulls the trigger on Arthur, but that’s where it ends for the time being, until the epilogue. Whether or not Paul somehow “secretly carried it around”, which…I can’t say I haven’t seen people claim already, would not only be downright impossible to tell with his constant reminders that yes, he did, in fact, hate Arthur, but also, it would change absolutely nothing about his behavior if it clearly had no influence on it— before the epilogue, I’ll remind you— when he still betrayed his partner, still expressed his joy over Arthur’s death, still spoke harshly of him on multiple occasions throughout the entirety of Stormbringer and still was the reason his late partner died sincerely believing he was never doing enough for Paul and he was the one in the wrong the whole time, among other ways he behaved extremely coldly towards Arthur that render any potential hidden guilt in his heart completely irrelevant, because none of it softened, let alone prevented a single thing he’d ever done.

Now, anon, I very much don’t find any use in being rude to anyone, but I do have to say, since you’ve been so kind and sweet to me first— and please take this in the most neutral, non-personal way you can— before you question whether I can read or not, in the case this wasn’t a simple, innocent mistake of yours at all, could you please find out the answer to this question about yourself first? While I will gladly explain what I’m talking about to you if you need more clarification on it, albeit I would be much happier to do so for a polite request rather than anything you’ve sent me so far, if you’ll deliberately ignore half of my words in the exact same sentence you must have read to even come up with this, I won’t be able to try to correct or explain it to you even if I do so fifty times, because you could easily just cherry-pick whatever you want to read yourself out of my words while discarding the whole rest again.

Nevertheless, with all that being said…to answer your question properly, yes, I believe I am able to read, thank you very much for asking. 💕

[melon-dot-com]

The chaos of thoughts are below. Have fun ig. I definitely did. I'm free. Whose gonna be bothered. Whose gonna stop me. My city now.

[Contextual info: Watching something new]

So I'm watching The Apothacary Diaries. It seems to be pretty new with only 3 eps so far. Unless the site I'm using is just behind. It's also in dub which will make it not as caught up. I really like it so far and I'll be honest I was very close to not watching it. I saw it on the website I use and was hesitant. Not for any specific reason, I just have trouble starting new things. But I kept getting this nagging feeling I should give it a try.

I even had to make myself watch the next ep becuase part of me was like well I'm not quite investeddd. What if I just did something elseee. Almost distracting myself with non-commital entertainment like usual. Like playing casual games or watching youtube. But then I got that feeling again, that I should stick with it and that it'd be worth it.

[General info: Maomao]

Maomao is the main character- AKA the cute determined chibi here. When she is giddy and happy they show her with blushy cheeks, cat mouth, and cat ears. Often wiggling the cat ears and body swaying. She is very animated. Sometimes it's just that; a little cute and exaggerated features. But sometimes it's like here where it's full blown baby chibi moment. And it's so adorable… if I think abt it too hard it's likely I will perish.

[Maomao: Main passion and expertise]

She loves well. Apothacary related things. It's not just her specialty but she loves doing it and always wants to learn more. Personality wise she is relatively calm, a bit disgruntled, secretive, and independent, until the opportunity for remedy creation and other related things come up. Which brings about a joy she is hardly able to contain.

Honestly she is pretty relatable but my area is more like psychology and analytics. Physics and crafting. Grief and how we approach death/s… I find her passion yet seriousness about being an apothacary to be refreshing and relatable. I have a love for knowing and understanding of strange things as well! And just things that don't get much attention otherwise.

She especially likes testing out poison and venoms on her arm. And she, presumably, uses this to gather information on how to create an antidote or remedy for them. She does it on the same arm every time, which while I suppose makes sense as to not mess up other body parts… I can't see it being as effective on scarred skin. Though for all I know that's the point and doesn't actually effect the observing process. It's not like I'd actually know.

Also she does address at some point that she isn't as sensitive to poisons since she did it for so long. I'm just not sure about skin related irritations.

[The testing scars]

She wears a strip of guaze or guaze-like material around the arm she kept testing on to hide it's scars. Probably to not alarm people or to seem unsightly when she is working. I don't think she cares that much about it herself though or is even self conscious outside of maybe being fired for it. It's the result of her passion and hardwork after all. If someone judged her for it I doubt she'd change her mind about it. The women that showed concern for her when she was younger didn't seem to phase them from continuing.

[TW: About the testing itself]

Honestly TW for the flashbacks of her doing the poison and venom testing. It's brief but her arm is real messed up. Particularly if you have cluster related phobias or trypophobia. Which I find those tend to go hand in hand. I might go back to try and timestamp the moments so others are aware… Even though I get kind of itchy just thinking about it. Ugh.

[Dynamic with other main character]

So there's this important guy- uhhh. Emperor's son. Don't know if that has a name. He may also be a set of multiple sons. I don't normally watch things in this setting I know nothing. Clearly. sdjfsjd

As you can see I forgot his name but he subtly.. well not so subtly, tries to get Maomao's attention. In his own words he said he thinks he'll try at seducing a bit. It sounded more in the context of getting her enamored wth him rather than full on seduction. AKA no actual motive to get with them or in bed with them. At least it sure seems that way for now with how nonchalant and carefree he is about it.

[General info: other main character]

He is your usual fancy boy with a sort of graceful arrogance. He looks pretty but truthfully does not awe me like the women in the show. They are SO so pretty and cute. One of the high class ladies is of course especially dressed up. She seems a bit playful and cheery in a teasing way and has lovely pink hair in an updo with accessories. And I'm like… ahh my heart…

Fancy boi (I am lazy and will get his name later sorry fancy boy :( ) doesn't lack attention but he does find it a bit odd that Maomao doesn't seem flustered by his presence and even off put by him. At some point he finally makes a quiet comment about "Why don't you react'' (Something like that)

[That one scene from the gifset: fancy boy is into it]

I think afterward- my memory gets mixed up so maybe it was before the above. He talks to his… main guardsman? iirc. They talk a bit about some current problems they are facing and then fancy boy says that he is intrigued by how she doesn't react the same as the others. And then gets all chibi-happy about it like ahh I've never been treated that way before <3 all blushy and content. Then his guardsman, as if he just heard about a private side of him, goes alright well I'll take my leave now-- and slides out of view.

[Circling back their dynamic]

I got sidetracked but wayy in the beginning of Maomao and his encounters. She notices his directed glances, obvious casual posing, and getting a little too close in personal space. She is, reasonably, disgusted and disturbed about it. Probably the right reaction to a person in power clearly focused on you.

There has already been a moment though, where she was little grumpy and weirded out by him getting close behind her. But not outright disgusted like I saw before.

That said, she probably thought about maybe not reacting negatively toward one of the people she works for. Or just upper class people in general for that matter. Idk if the creator/s thought about that though and it might just be showing the viewer that she's a little more familiar with his weirdness now. _ End / 11/12/23 / 22:16

[chaosangel767]

The meaning of Love

Fandom: Ikerev

Prompt: Be my Valentine 2.0 event I am co hosting with @xxsycamore “I knew I could find you at our secret spot” & "You taught me the meaning of love."

Pairing: Luka x F!MC

Type: SFW Bittersweet Angst - Please read tw

CW: Death, major character death, grief

WC: 850+

AN: Over a year in the works, I kept pushing this fic off. “Maybe next event” the fic forever changing to match the event and the seasons. I finally was able to get the words on the page, Ikerev being discontinued made this fic even harder to write. This is connected to my angst fic Pyrrhic. Please pay attention to the warnings before reading.

Tagging: @thewitchofbooks ​ , @queen-dahlia ​ , @kissmetwicekissmedeadly ​ , @aquagirl1978 , @devildomwritersposts , @canaria-blackwell , @ikesimp100 , @kpop-and-otome ​ , @sarahann-1984 , @citizensofcradle , @littlewitty , @curious-skybunny , @lordsisterxotome , @ikehoe , @psychodreamer666 ,  @kkkramba , @keoshii - If your name is crossed out I was unable to tag you. If you want to be tagged/untagged please let me know or fill out this form here.

Duties. 

Cooking. 

Training. 

Repeat.

Nothing was the same without her, nothing brought him joy anymore. The Jack of Spades just goes through the motions, even the joy of cooking for others seeming to vanish since that day. Never daring to stop, Luka pushes himself, wanting to keep the taunting memories away. Part of his mind always expects her to come bursting into the kitchen, his ears waiting for the sound of her gentle knocks when the rest of the base is asleep. Instead, her necklace is a heavy weight around his neck, a constant reminder that she is gone.  

Hurrying away from the army base, Luka makes his way down a barely traveled path, his feet never more sure of the footing. Carrying a bouquet of flowers and a gentle smile, he enters the fields of flowers, barely able to make out the figure standing on the other side of it. 

“I knew I would find you at our secret spot” Luka murmurs as he approaches, his voice breaking the silence of the serene meadow. Turning to meet him, Alice’s eyes brighten at the sight of her lover. 

“Luka, I thought you weren’t going to come” Reaching her hand out to him, Luka’s eyes close automatically as she touches his cheek. He can feel her fingers caress his skin, the breeze around them picking up. 

“You haven’t been taking care of yourself” she scolds, voice much softer than it used to be. She studies him carefully, the light of the setting sun frames her face, making her look like an angel. 

“It has been hard without you around.” Luka admits softly, his eyes glance down, and Alice gently lifts his chin back up. 

“I know it's hard, Luka, but the Black army needs you now more than ever. They need to know that Cradle is going to be okay.” Her words bring a rueful smile to Luka’s lips. 

“I always admired you for that” Luka murmurs, and Alice turns to him, tilting her head. 

“What?” 

“Your selflessness. Even now you worry about everyone but yourself” Luka sighs heavily, his hands tracing the bouquet, before he hands it to her. “We miss you a lot”  He notices the pain that flickers in her gaze, a lonely look that is gone in the blink of an eye. Giving him a soft smile, she leads him  to the edge of the cliff, sitting amongst the flowers and grass. 

Luka follows suit sitting next to her, both keeping their gaze on the port of Black Territory and the sun setting in the horizon. 

“How is everyone holding up? I miss you guys so much” Alice asks, worry etched on her face.

“Its so quiet now. Ray locks himself mainly in the office. He is always doing paperwork or running the units through training. It is a struggle to get him to take any time off, whenever he is off he goes to the gun range. Sirius hasn’t changed much on the outside, but he never seems to stop. All he does is worry over Ray and I, making sure the army is taken care of. He is always busy too, none of us have really been sleeping, when we do we are haunted by that day.” Luka admits, and Alice lets out a soft sigh. Her hand reaches out to cover his, scars running across their skin. 

“Alice?” Luka’s voice is near silent, the question heavy on his mind. 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you do it again?” Luka asks, and Alice pauses, knowing there is more on the Jack’s mind. “I have gone over the day over and over, but I can’t find a way to make this different, a way to change the outcome. I can’t tell where we went wrong, or how it came to this. I feel so helpless.” Lukas hand clenches into fists at  his side and Alice gently covers them. 

“I wouldn’t change a thing, we couldn’t. We planned the best we could with the information we had. I would give my life again if it meant keeping Cradle safe.” Alice gives Luka a warm smile, and his heart wrenches. 

“But I lost you-”  pressing her fingers against his lips, Alice shushes Luka.  Her fingers trail to the necklace he wears around his neck, and she presses a kiss to it. 

“I am right here. I’ll always stay with you and whenever you need a little strength just squeeze this. You are so strong Luka, so caring. Please take care of Cradle, I’ll always be here watching when you need me.” The pain and conviction in her eyes spoke the words that she couldn’t. Pressing closer to him, she reaches up on her tippy toes. Closing his eyes, Luka reaches down, eyes fluttering open when the wind brushes them instead of a kiss. The spot in front of him was vacant. Looking around at the empty meadow,reality slowly sinks in bringing back the heavy weight to his mind. 

Tears blur his vision as he sinks next to the grave on the edge of the cliff. His fingers trace the engraving over and over, eyes too blurred to see the writing he knew was there. 

Alice the Second - Protector of Cradle 

“You taught me the meaning of love. I will never forget you. Cradle will never forget you.” 

[wardenred]

Whumptember 2: "Let me do this for you"

These characters have been hanging out on the fringes of my mind for a while now, why not take them out for a walk.

Tonight, the tavern was warm and jovial. Flames crackled in the fireplace that took up most of the wall across from the doorway. A minstrel sat perched on a high stool next to it, their deft fingers teasing a soft, soothing melody out of a lute. Glass clinked against metal as a group of merchants laughed together, celebrating a deal well sealed and toasting future opportunities; some of them had discarded tankards in favor of going straight for the bottles. Two tables away, three people in noble clothes hidden under commoners' cloaks looked to be enjoying a romantic evening. At the bar, a city guard flirted relentlessly with the maid. A slightly exasperated patron clearly couldn't decide whether he wished to interfere for the sake of finally getting a drink or would rather not spoil somebody's fun. The air smelled of fresh stew and mulled wine.

Amidst all of this, even tucked away in the farthest corner, Raj found it easy to pretend like he could have some of this, too, one day. The simple joys, the simple comforts. Life. 

Just as long as he paid all his debts first and didn't die trying.

He smoothed out the map in front of him and traced the tip of his nail over the shoreline, the faded blue expanse of the Whirlpool Gulf, the smattering of small islands to the west.

"Fortune guiding me, I shouldn't be gone for longer than a month," he told Ash. "My sisters should have enough coin or that long, but if I stall, I can count on you to check up on them and see to their needs, right? I’ll pay you back, obviously."

His friend drummed their fingers over the chipped edge of the table. A deep crease settled between their pale eyebrows; a deeper one at the corner of their mouth.

"You shouldn't be doing this."

Raj swallowed a sigh. "On the contrary. It's a fantastic opportunity—"

"To get yourself killed for real this time?"

This was... needlessly dramatic. "Excuse me, are you doubting my skills?"

"No, only your sanity. Raj, you've done two jobs with the Western pirates, and frankly, it makes for two more than reasonable. And aren't you now expected to work under the same captain as the last time?" 

Raj grimaced. "Unfortunately, yes. I suppose he'll be happier to see me than I him. Still, that's a good chance to turn the tables a little bit, after all the grief the guy gave me."

"Grief." Ash's expression was unreadable.

"Well, what else would you call it?" Raj asked with a fatalistic shrug. "No, don't answer. You'll come up with all sorts of drastically tragic epithets, whereas the truth is, it was—"

Ash leaned forward so sharply Raj kind of wanted to flinch back. Of course, what he did instead was freeze and stop talking.

"If you're going to tell me it was nothing, I swear to the gods..." Ash drew a steadying breath. "I was the one who patched you up after that stint, Raj. Don't you dare tell me you were fine."

"I was, though," Raj insisted, not so much ignoring the way Ash's dark eyes narrowed as acknowledging it and saying his part anyway. "I can handle a few beatings, as long as it gets the work done and paid for. So how about you stop fretting and we keep drinking?" He reached for the jug at the center of the table and topped their glasses with gusto. "Ths is meant to be a celebration! I fought for this contract!"

"Yes, because you're a blighted fool," Ash said stiffly. Still, when Raj brought up a glass in a toast, they clinked theirs against his. Hard. So hard, in fact, that the blood-like red liquid splashed over the rims, drinks mixing together.

Raj offered an easy smile. "That's all right by me. If memory serves me right, before ascending the throne the first Astragi king, bless his spirit and all that, served as the Last Emperor's fool. Therefore, being a fool is quite the noble calling with awesome career prospects. Cheers."

Ash snatched his wrist before he could bring the glass to this lips.

"Let me do this for you. No, listen! You'll still get the money. Even the credit, should that be what you're after. Lie low here in the city, or travel to the country for a while. I've got a cover-up in the works already. Once I'm back, we'll convince the bosses you were the one who did the job."

All Raj could do was stare. There was a feverish glint in Ash's eyes, a flush to their skin that could probably be explained by all the ale they'd consumed already. This crazy idea probably boasted the same origin.

He laughed. "Now which one of us is the fool?"

Ash tightened their grip on his hand. "Please, Raj. Let me do this. The risks for me are lower, anyway. I'm not the kind of person Captain Turncoat would harbor a grudge for. I can keep my head down, lay low, pretend to be boring and unobtrusive. You know I can."

"The captain isn't the only monster aboard that ship." Raj's throat tightened when he thought about this. Ash, spending weeks in the open sea with Turncoat's crew, treated with disdain at best, because pirates hated their organization even—especially—when they agreed to work together for mutual gain? Having all possible offenses pinned on them, all possible punishments dispensed their way? No. No, and nope, and fuck this shit.

"Please, Raj."

He shook his head, wrenched his hand away, and downed half a glass in one go.

Immediately, his mind felt fuzzy. The glass cluttered out of his weakened grasp and rolled over the table surface, spilling ale everywhere. The map would be ruined if it wasn't for Ash's quick fingers, already folding it away.

Numb and with no control of his body or tongue, Raj could only slump in his chair while Ash stood, walked over, and methodically searched his pockets for the job token.

No. No, please, anything but this.

Ash bent down to plant a small kiss against his temple.

"You'll feel better in an hour, tops," they whispered. "Stay safe. See you in a month, give or take."

Their footsteps echoed away, and Raj couldn't even turn his head to watch them go. By the fireplace, the minstrel was still playing, the melody rising and falling like the tides.

You fucking idiot.

Raj didn't know if he was aiming the thought at Ash or himself.

[eigenraptor]

I am so sorry but i think i went through several stages of grief looking at your blog. I don’t know anything about bill cypher or adventure time, but EIGENraptor??? Like eigenvector?

Reading landau and babygirl in the same sentence gave me whiplash. I think i understand the vision. It’s simple after all. Landau is fucking amazing (the guy lev, the textbooks whatever) and you are the babygirl. Makes sense.

God i rarely see physics nerdness that deeply intermixed with tumblr fandom and shit. Honestly you give me hope for the future. I am shocked but, hell yeah. I’m rooting for you on all fronts. I wish you happiness, knowledge, and fulfilment.

anon... this is so sweet of you, thank you so much T_T I'm glad I could have that kind of impact on people hahaha.

wishing you the best also!! You seem really nice i hope your kindness is returned to you tenfold:^) and i hope your pursuits in math/science/nerd stuff in general bring you joy !

[malinosh]

Firsts

A warm sigh of beauty,

A little sigh of relief.

New traditions,

Old memories.

A radiant tear of joy,

A silent tear of sadness.

The first holidays after birth and death.

Maverick had his first Thanksgiving of his life. We had our first Thanksgiving without my Dad here with us. Granted, we have already experienced Halloween, but Dad wasn’t a huge Halloween fan, and Thanksgiving is basically the start of the holiday season.

We had a nice time overall. We visited with the Trapp side of the family, and my mom joined us. They had invited her at the same time I asked to include her, and I’m so glad she came. We got to see Mav and his cousin playing and enjoying the delicious Thanksgiving foods, as well as spend time with loved ones. I’m beyond grateful for kind, caring family who understand.

I felt a little guilty, though. While I had all the feels and emotions, I felt like I had to suppress them for the sake of Maverick. My therapist is in my head saying, “No, you need to get through what you need to get through and then make sure to go let out your emotions however that may look ie crying, music, writing etc.” I was there for Mav, introduced him to at least 4 new foods, chatted with family, and he was a perfect distraction. But I feel guilty because I was also sad and Mav’s first holidays shouldn’t be overshadowed either.

On the other hand, guilt seeped in because I wasn’t more sad to be celebrating without my Dad with us in person. Guilt was present on both accounts.

It doesn’t seem fair to Maverick, but I am doing the best I can. Isn’t that all we can do? The mind is a beautiful (and sometimes scary) thing; the brain is powerful. Birth and death are spiritual events, and 6 months apart - on top of emotions you already have from birth - is overwhelming. I have learned so much about how my brain works and processes information, though.

Everything is in a new light. Those simple, time passing chats with others suddenly mean so much. The laughs that come with a funny quote from an innocent family member are stored in my memory. The guys watching football brings back flashbacks but you enjoy the sight, not even knowing the score or outcome of the game. And that food tastes delicious; there was love in the making of the food, and when sharing your meal with your baby there is love in the serving of the food.

In many ways it was a beautiful day as Maverick’s first Thanksgiving and time with family, and that is what a holiday should entail. In another way, I’m glad we got through the first holiday without Dad and that it is over. I know he wouldn’t want us to be sad because of him, though, but to celebrate with Maverick.

I thought it was difficult enough having my Dad receive the diagnosis of ALS while I was pregnant. I had to stay calm and as happy as possible because this little miracle felt everything that I felt and I didn’t want to start his life off negatively in the womb. But this is a different kind of difficult, that I wish for nobody.

And now onto Christmas soon.

I’ve found that it is helping to remember the reason for each holiday as well, instead of focusing on self or grief. Celebrating the holidays is tricky because each family does have traditions, but it is helpful to remember why we are celebrating, while we create new memories.

During our mini Christmas photo session with my friend, I read a portion of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas to Mav. Yes, I also bought the book to read to him soon, too. That was our story every Christmas Eve that Daddy read to my brother and me. One year, when we were adults, we couldn’t find the book. We almost have it memorized! But not quite, so we did a last minute online search for a free version of the words. When we found it, we printed it off and had Dad read it to us. Individual papers were all over, who knows where now, but the memory remains.

Isn’t it ironic how the highs and lows of life can intersect? I’ve heard that passed down from many wise females in my family, and I believe it is for a reason. When the lows of life happen, we have those highs to help us get through them.

Maverick - you are an absolute miracle. I am soaking up all of the seconds with you and loving each part of your childhood. I am not wishing away anything and I am blessed to be your mom. I know countless women want the opportunity to be a mother, and you chose me. I am enjoying your many facial expressions, babbles and stories, milestones, mannerisms, and first holidays. Days are beautiful. We love you.

Dad - we miss you beyond words. I’m grateful you are not suffering anymore and I’m grateful for the comfort that we will see you again, but it does not make the time here without you any better. I talk to you often. At work, we talk about you often and your patients sure do care about you. Days are different. We love you.

[vaginadentatas69]

I’ve been thinking about how you could have both 👀

It takes a few weeks, maybe months, to finally start coaxing noise out of Wade. Logan’s patient with his mutism the entire way through, he starts stocking sticky notes and keeping clipboards around so Wade can write when he’s really struggling to ask for something. He learns sign language and shares it with Wade after he figures out Wade finds it infinitely easier to talk with his hands and not his voice. He misses Wade’s voice, misses the way he’d ramble on about things Logan thought were stupid until he couldn’t hear Wade talk about them any more, but its more important to him that Wade is here. He’s struggling, but he’s safe now, and Logan knows how special he must be that Wade trusts him to share a bed; eventually Wade can’t sleep at all without Logan in the bed with him, touching by at least a rough hand brushing against his palm, if not full-body pressed together where Wades tears can soak silently into Logans body hair.

Logan can see the improvement, too. Wade flinches less often, wakes up with less nightmares, goes into less fugue states. He’s still reactive, but he’s learning how to cope when things trigger him instead of defaulting to self harm as a distraction to outward violence. He’s not scared to make noise any more, and Logan will sometimes catch him making laser gun noises or quietly singing to himself when he doesn’t realize Logan’s listening. He’s still ominously quiet around Logan, keeps his sentences clipped to single words, but its progress that Logan can’t help but celebrate.

Which is why it hurts so much more to hear the first full sentence Wade says to be a downplay of his trauma. Logan looks at him torn between grief and relief, because it’s so so so good to hear Wade talk again, to hear him joke, but he can hear how hollow Wade’s voice is and can tell how much further they have left to go in recovery. It’s a bittersweet joy, that Wade can talk but still can’t be honest about how horrible his experience was. Wade’s never told Logan the extent of what he went through, isn’t even certain he ever will, but Logan knows enough to see straight through Wade’s dismissals. He’s seen enough of Wade’s recovery and been there for enough breakdowns to know better, even when other people fall for it.

Wade himself feels broken because he wants to be the person he was before, but that person feels alien to him. When he tries to crack a joke to lighten the mood, tries to be the Funny Guy again, sometimes Logan laughs, but sometimes he gives him that Look again. The Look that says, I know you’re hurting and you won’t say it. You don’t have to lie to me. It’s terrifying and disarming and every time Wade’s left with an impulse to double down on dismissing and denigrating himself, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Logan hasn’t spent this much time cohabiting with a ticking timebomb that’s slowly gaining time between explosions to believe it when Wade talks about his trauma like old history, or when he accidentally repeats something Stryfe used to tell him.

Part of it’s because Logan’s been there before too, been broken apart by people who treated him like a tool, only to piece himself back together with his own shaking hands and the steady guidance of those few who believed in him. There’s nothing Wade can throw at him that he hasn’t seen before, that he can’t bounce back from, even on Wade’s worst days where he’d be a danger to anyone without a healing factor. He can roll with Wade’s (sometimes literal) punches without once faltering because he’s been in that exact same place. Not once has he held it against Wade when his emotions boil over and his vision floods with red and Wade can’t do anything but fight until his body is too exhausted to move. Logan simply takes it all in and stays for the aftermath to rub Wade’s back and remind him that he doesn’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love.

rolling a whump situation around my mouth like fine wine

what if Stryfe nabbed Wade and gave him the ol' thousand-year-torture-session or whatever blah-di-blah (he's a very convenient Nate-shaped baddie for whump purposes >:3c)

and then Logan eventually finds him and comes to rescue him

Obviously Wade heals up from all the brutality; not a scratch on him. But weeks later, though he's completely fine physically

He's

still

not

talking

just. won't communicate. shakes his head desperately when Logan asks him (begs him) to say something, anything. Seems afraid of what'll happen, if he dares make a sound

and Logan's heart is breaking

[merymoonbeam]

A thing of secret, lovely beauty.

First of all this post is connected to lightsinger theory so if you don’t like that theory simply scroll past this post

In this post I will talk about what “a thing of secret lovely beauty” means for elain and gwyn.

Also special thanks to @silverdreamscapes for talking about this post with me.

Let’s start with Elain.

“The golden necklace seemed ordinary -- its chain unremarkable, the amulet tiny enough that it could be dismissed as an everyday charm. It was a small, flat rose fashioned of stained glass, designed so that when held to the light, the true depth of the colors would become visible. A thing of secret, lovely beauty.”

The highlighted parts tells us what acosf literally showed us. That there is more to Elain than everybody sees.

I would suggest you guys to read this post by @silverlinedeyes because she explained this so well in this post > The necklace

And other things why that quote is about Elain.

1) From the very start Elain is always described as lovely.

“Feyre!” Elain’s soft gasp scraped past my ears, and I blinked back the brightness of the fire to find my second-eldest sister before me. Though she was bundled in a threadbare blanket, her gold-brown hair—the hair all three of us had—was coiled perfectly about her head. Eight years of poverty hadn’t stripped from her the desire to look lovely.” (Acotar chapter 2)

2)her beauty

Then Elain’s face appeared over Mrs. Laurent’s round shoulder. Beautiful—she’d always been the most beautiful of us. Soft and lovely, like a summer dawn.

I would like to point out that “lovely” 👆🏻

Pale skin started to glow. Her face had somehow become more beautiful—infinitely beautiful, and her ears … Elain’s ears were now pointed beneath her sodden hair.

Gone was the faint glow of immortal health; the face that had become a bit sharper. Gone were the pointed ears, the grace. Muted. Drab—or in the way that someone as beautiful as Elain could be drab. Even her hair seemed to have lost its luster, the gold now brassy, the brown mousy

Even wasted away by grief and despair, Elain’s beauty was remarkable. Hers was a face that could bring kings to their knees. And yet there was no joy in it. No light. No life.

Nesta met her sister’s warm brown eyes. When human, Elain had easily been the prettiest of the three of them, and when she’d been turned High Fae, that beauty had been amplified. Nesta couldn’t put her finger on what changes had been wrought beyond the pointed ears, but Elain had gone from lovely to devastatingly beautiful. Elain never seemed to realize it.

Again... “lovely” 👆🏻

“She was jealous of your beauty,” Amren said, an amused smile on her red lips. Elain blushed. “Perhaps.”

3) Mama archeron

“Elain shall wed for love and beauty,”

And the actual quote is > a thing of secret lovely beauty. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s literally the same.

4) Azriel’s secret

Azriel’s secret is Elain.

“Letting him see that she understood why he stood in the doorway, why he wouldn’t go near the fire.His secret to tell, never hers.”

And from the bonus we know why he stood in the doorway.

“Because her mate had been in the family room and Azriel had needed to stay by the door the whole time because he couldn't stand the sight of it, the scent of their mating bond, and needed to have the option  of leaving if it became too much.”

And all of azriel’s other secrets are about Elain. @avallens made a post about it> azriel’s secrets

Now let’s talk about gwyn.

I want you guys to look at the highlighted parts with the same color.

“The golden necklace seemed ordinary -- its chain unremarkable, the amulet tiny enough that it could be dismissed as an everyday charm. It was a small, flat rose fashioned of stained glass, designed so that when held to the light, the true depth of the colors would become visible. A thing of secret, lovely beauty.”

“There are lightsingers: lovely, ethereal beings who will lure you, appearing as friendly faces when you are lost. Only when you’re in their arms will you see their true faces, and they aren’t fair at all. The horror of it is the last thing you see before they drown you in the bog. But they kill for sport, not food.”

Like the necklace, which appears as boring or normal on its face, but when held to the light it’s true inner colors are shown, with lightsingers, they appear as a friendly face so they’re dismissed as a threat, but only when you look closer or “hold them to the light” do you see their true face that lies beneath the surface.(thanks to @silverlinedeyes for the help 💜✨)

And other thing why I think the quote is about lightsingers.

A thing of secret, lovely beauty.

There are lightsingers: lovely, ethereal beings who will lure you, appearing as friendly faces when you are lost. Only when you’re in their arms will you see their true faces, and they aren’t fair at all. The horror of it is the last thing you see before they drown you in the bog. But they kill for sport, not food.”

“She was young—almost coltish, with her slender, elegant limbs. High Fae, and yet … Nesta couldn’t explain the way she sensed that there was something else mixed into her. Some secret beneath the pretty face.”

I want to point out another thing. Azriel thinks about “a thing of secret lovely beauty” after this scene.

“But Azriel tucked away the thought, consciously erasing the slight smile it brought to his face. Buried the image down deep, where it glowed quietly. A thing of secret, lovely beauty.”

I made a post about this part and @silverlinedeyes reblogged it. > glowed quietly but I think it’s important to add to this post.

The word “image” is important in that scene because gwyn’s singing is described as “summoning” in the book.

“Gwyn’s voice rose again, holding such a high note it was like a ray of pure light, piercing and summoning.” (Acosf chapter 52)

And when you look at what summoning means...

Call an image to mind... “Buried the image down deep, where it glowed quietly.”

So Yeah...

A thing of secret, lovely beauty shows there is more to elain that people sees and Elain and Azriel’s relationship.

The use of the same quote at the end of bonus chapter is there to show gwyn’s powers as lightsinger.

Have a good day Elriel fam 💜

[book-boys-are-my-guilty-pleasure]

A Stark and her Soldier ~ Part 1

Imagine: Reuniting with Bucky when you end up helping Sam with the Flag Smashers.

Warnings: TFATWS SPOILERS! This takes place during the first two episodes of the show.

A/N: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’M BACK (with a new header lol)!!! AHHHHHHHH! It’s been nearly two years but here I am… posting this makes me SO nervous, so feedback would be highly appreciated! More parts and some information about what I’m planning with this blog to follow soon! 

“You held us together – do it for them,” he paused before adding, “Promise me you’ll do it for them.”

You blinked away the tears, knowing what was coming, “I can’t promise that...”

“Y/N please,” the way he begged you with that shaking voice was nearly enough to push you over the edge.

“I-I promise.” He squeezed your hand before letting you leave.

“You’ve reached James Barnes, sorry I couldn’t take your call, please –” you hung up before the recorded message could continue, face burning with frustration. This was the 9th time you had tried calling him this week, not to mention the countless text messages.

You scoffed thinking of Steve’s last words to you, how were you supposed to hold them together when you barely held yourself together on a good day? It doesn’t make it any easier when the person you’re supposed to be holding together is so keen on letting himself fall apart.  

Every time you tried calling him, you ended up feeling furious, miserable, or like an absolute failure – usually all three. You promised Steve, you promised, and you failed. You groaned and chucked your phone across your bed.

The last time you had seen him, Steve had still been around, and you hadn’t even spoken to him since Tony’s funeral.

 You and Pepper had walked to the lake, each holding one of Morgan’s hands, and you had sat at the dock watching the arc reactor – his heart – float away, the people behind you forgotten in your grief. The weight on your heart was unbelievable, you had already lost your best friend, Natasha, and now your brother was gone.

You promised him that you wouldn’t cry at his funeral – he always knew it was inevitable – and so you sat there, sending him away with a pained smile.

You had no idea how long you had just sat there, staring at the horizon across the lake, trying to make this last moment with your brother last forever.

“Y/N?” You felt a hand squeezing your shoulder, “You should come back inside.”

“What happens now, Steve?” Your voice was softer than he had ever heard before.

“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out together,” he paused for a moment before gesturing to Bucky, waiting outside the house behind him, “He wants to talk to you.”

You gave Bucky a small smile, “Hey.”

He walked over and dropped down next to you, Steve leaving the two of you to chat, “I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” You nodded solemnly.

He added, “For everything, Y/N… he probably wouldn’t even have wanted me here, but –”

You shook your head and took his hand, heart fluttering at the contact. You had always been attracted to him, and it had only grown with every interaction. “That wasn’t you.”

You knew your brother never blamed Bucky, you all knew how it felt to have people mess with your heads and Bucky had had the worst of it. He was furious at Steve for years, but never at Bucky – you could never bring yourself to be angry with either of them, not after the stories you grew up with. Your father had adored the soldiers and you had been one of their biggest fans, and later one of Steve’s closest friends.

There had come a point after the battle between Tony and Steve when you had become sick of all the back and forth. You were lucky enough to find an escape when T’Challa got in touch with you, offering you a chance to come to Wakanda and learn about their technology – you weren’t ashamed to admit that you were the one who contacted him to beg for it. You hadn’t known that Bucky was already there. Slowly but surely, the two of you found comfort in one another and became good friends.  

He gave you a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, “You should head inside, it’s getting late – I’ll see you again soon.”

He stayed true to that statement, the two of you stood with Sam and Bruce, waiting for Steve to come back after returning the stones – only to have him shatter your hearts.

You only saw Bucky in passing after that, occasionally visiting Steve at the same time – you never said a word to him, beyond a smile or a wave, and then you stopped seeing him all together. You tried, for the sake of your promise to Steve, but he never answered your calls or texts.

“We’ll figure it out together, right, thanks a lot Steve,” You muttered.

You jumped at the sound of your phone ringing, and your shoulders sank a bit when you saw Sam’s name flashing across the screen, “Hey.”

“He’s doing an interview,” You knew exactly who Sam was talking about, “Good Morning America.”

Your stomach turned, “That’s the last thing I want to see.”

“I know, I just thought I’d share my joy with someone,” Sam chuckled, “Any luck with Bucky?”

“I’m just wasting my time at this point,” You could feel the tears returning to your eyes as you said it.

“Hey, come on now, he’ll come around, he just needs some time.”

“Right…”

“Listen, I called because we have a lead, wanna join?”

“Please.”

“I hate it, his stupid face plastered on every wall, it feels like he’s mocking us.”

“Don’t you start, Y/N.”

“Seriously Sam, I get that he’s the new Cap – the fake Cap, but don’t you think that this,” You gestured to the posters around you, “is excessive?”

“It-”

“Shouldn’t have given up the shield.” Your heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice and your face heated up with anger, you hadn’t realized it was possible to feel such contrasting emotions at the same time, but here you were. You noted that his voice was a bit hoarse and wondered if he had been sick.

“Good to see you too, Buck.”

“This is wrong.”

“So is pushing away everyone who cares about you.” He finally looked at you and you saw shame glistening in those steel blue eyes.

He said nothing before turning back to Sam, “You didn’t know that was gonna happen?”

Wow, ignoring your calls was one thing, but outright ignoring you while you stood in front of him, that caused a different kind of hurt.

You stood in silence as Sam explained where the two of you were headed, trying to push away the pounding in your head, and suddenly, you found yourself in a jet sitting next to Bucky.

“You could have answered, even once. Could’ve at least let me know that you were still alive.”

“I know,” Was all he said.

“We were friends once,” Nothing, “and I still care for you.”

“I know.”

“Four months, a full four months and I didn’t hear a single word from you, I’m going to need more than ‘I know’.”

He sighed, “I’m sorry.”

You could tell that he meant it and didn’t know what more to say, so you got up and headed towards the open door of the plane, “I’ll catch you boys on the ground.”

You watched Sam follow, and considered helping Bucky as he fell through the trees, but you decided against it. He hurt your feelings and now you could call it even.

Super soldiers? How on earth were there more super soldiers?! You didn’t have much time to ponder on the thought as you got kicked in the face by one of them and fell off the semi – definitely should have let Tony make you a helmet like he insisted.

You flew back up only to see him dropping out of a helicopter, Fake Cap, fuck.

“Looks like you guys could use some help,” Your blood boiled at the sight of his cocky grin.

You weren’t winning, and you weren’t stupid enough to continue trying, let Steve’s knock-off take care of it.

You flew off just in time to see Bucky lying on top of Sam, the latter groaned in displeasure.

“Hey, can you gentlemen save the PDA for later?” You joked, earning a glare from both of them.

With the adrenaline slowly draining from your system, the pain from the blows you took started to set in, making you dread the trek in front of you. As if on cue, you heard a horn honking and Fake Cap pulled up next to you, “It’s 20 miles to the airport, you guys need a ride.”

“I think we’re good,” You simply stated.

“You won’t make it with that limp.”

You gave him a crude smile, “I’d rather crawl.”  

They stopped and opened the door, you exchanged a look with Sam and Bucky, silently deciding to join them.

You sat between Bucky and Sam, and felt the anger and disgust radiating off of both of them with every word that was exchanged.

“Y/N Stark,” You despised the way he said your last name, like he wanted to devour you, “You are one of the original seven, I trust you know the importance of having a strong team. I’d suggest giving a word or two of advice to your friends here.”

“Did you really just compare being on a team with you two, to being on a team with the Avengers?” You glowered at him, “A word of advice Walker, you’re not Steve, you might be holding that shield, but you will never be half the Captain America that he was. So quit fucking pretending.”  

“I didn’t realize Stark’s sister had such a mouth on her,” He smirked, he knew exactly what he was doing and as much as you hated to admit it, it was working, “Vicious.”

“Go to hell.”

The ride didn’t last very long after that, and you had no complaints when Bucky demanded them to stop the car.

You opened your eyes and rolled over to see Sam still asleep on the seats across from you, and Bucky was sitting on the large crate in the middle of the jet, “Not tired?”

“Nah,” He shook his head.

You pushed yourself to your feet and hopped up next to him, “You’d think they’d make those seats a bit more comfortable considering the amount of time we spend on these things.”

He chuckled and the two of you fell into a comfortable silence. After a considerable pause he turned to you, “Y/N, I meant what I said earlier, I’m sorry.”

The dark bags under his eyes were a stark contrast from the beautiful blue that you were looking into, which you noted which had lost its luster. You noticed that his voice still had a bit of that hoarseness from earlier in the day, and the dots connected. You remembered how hoarse your voice used to get when you’d wake up screaming from the nightmares after particularly rough missions. You understood why he was awake, he didn’t want you and Sam to see him like that.

You nodded, “I know, I just wish – I was worried sick about you. I know it hasn’t been easy for you Buck, but we were good friends once and I miss you.”

“I wanted to call, it’s just been tough,” He admitted, and you reached over to take his hand, only to quickly pull away as Sam woke up.

“You two okay?”

“Yeah,” You both said. You wondered if Bucky’s super soldier ability allowed him to hear the way your heartbeat picked up from that brief touch.

Your mind was racing a million miles a minute, you had barely kept the tears in listening to Isaiah’s story, both out of anger and sadness. How? How did this happen? How was this man tortured, then brushed under the rug? How did no one know about it? Why the hell did Bucky keep this from you?

Sam mirrored your pained expression, but something darker lurked beneath his eyes, you couldn’t even imagine the rage he felt. The sound of a police siren pulled you out of your thoughts.

Your anger only grew at the argument that ensued, “I am calm, what do you want? We’re just standing here talking.”

“Just give him your ID,” You glared at Bucky as the words left his mouth.

“Why the hell should he? He didn’t do anything wrong!” You growled, at the same time Sam said, “I’m not giving him shit, we were just talking.”

“Hey, hey, look, is this guy bothering you?” The officer asked you and Bucky. Your eyes widened, he can’t be serious right now.

“No, he’s not bothering us, do you know who this is?!”

You couldn’t even stand to look at the guy as his jaw dropped in shock upon realizing who Sam was, you felt your body shake with anger, and you didn’t even want to think what would have happened if Sam hadn’t been an Avenger.

The officer returned from his vehicle and turned the tables, announcing that there was a warrant out for Bucky’s arrest.

Watching him being handcuffed and put into the car shattered your heart, if the events of the day hadn’t already left you feeling nauseous, you knew this would be the nail in the coffin. All you could see was Bucky on his knees with a gun to his head nearly seven year ago when Steve barely prevented T’Challa from killing him and the four of you had been arrested – Tony had been furious with you, but it was the shame in Bucky’s eyes that had hurt you the most, and here you were, witnessing it again.

You reached over a grabbed Sam’s hand and squeezed as hard as you could, desperate for a lifeline to keep you from sinking into those painful memories.

You maintained that same grip on the poor man’s hand as you sat at the police station waiting for Bucky to be bailed out, “Sam, Y/N, I’ve heard a lot about you two, I’m Dr. Raynor, I’m James’ therapist.”

The two of you shook her hand and Sam thanked her for getting Bucky out.

“That was not me –”

“Christina!” You’d recognize that voice anywhere from the way it made your skin crawl, fuck, “Good to see you again.”

You clenched your jaw to keep yourself from punching the stupid grin off of his face as he pointed to himself when Dr. Raynor asked him who authorized Bucky’s release. You knew you had a problem with constantly wanting to punch people in the face, it was a trait that ran in the family, but Walker’s face was definitely one of the most punchable ones you had seen – a good ol’ pop in the jaw wouldn’t hurt, right? Just one?

“He’s too valuable of an asset to have him tied up –”

That was it, that was all you were willing to hear, you couldn’t stop yourself from getting in his face and hissing, “Call him that again, and I swear to god Walker, I –”

Sam put his arm around you, hand pressed to your stomach and pulled you back, “Y/N.”

Walker simply smirked and turned back to Raynor, “Do what you have to do and send him off to me. Got some unfinished business, him and I, you too Wilson, and bring your guard dog with you.”

It took everything in your power to keep from snarling at him.  

“James, condition of your release, session now,” The doctor ordered, “You two as well.”

“I’m good, I’ve been to enough therapy,” You shook your head, at the same time Sam said, “That’s okay, I’ll be out here with –”

“That wasn’t a request,” You couldn’t help but chuckle, and decided that you liked this woman.

You and Sam sat on either side of Bucky, facing Dr. Raynor as she got started. You couldn’t help but notice the way Bucky’s eyes shifted and jaw clenched as Sam tried to weasel his way out of the session, and your chest tightened. He looked so tired, and not just the ‘hasn’t slept in a few days’ tired, but more like he was tired of trying – he looked broken.

You decided in that moment that you would try, and not just for Steve, but for the man next to you who had held a piece of your heart before he even knew you, and managed steal that piece away when you had met him years later.

You realized how hard you’d have try when Bucky answered Dr. Raynor’s question with, “In my miracle, he would talk less.”

“Exactly what I was gonna say, isn’t that ironic?” You sighed, so hard.

She turned to you, mimicking the expression on your face, “Y/N, can I trust you to give me a proper answer?”

Try, Y/N, try. You saw a glimmer of hope in Raynor’s eyes as they met yours, but you simply shrugged and looked away, unable to bring yourself to open up, and she let her shoulders fall slightly.

“You guys are leaving me with no choice. It’s time for the soul-gazing exercise. Y/N, you can sit this one out, you get along with both of them well enough.”

You rolled your eyes at the reactions from the boys, this’ll be good. You couldn’t help but chuckle as they got closer to one another, maybe I should have taken part in this exercise. They made eye contact and continued to hold it, you realized what they were doing moments before the doctor did and let out a genuine laugh – earning a glare from Raynor, don’t encourage them she seemed to say.

“James, why does Sam aggravate you? And don’t say something childish.” Your head filled with a hundred different ideas about what stupid things Bucky would come up with, only to have them fizzle away at his cheeky grin towards the doctor, followed by the lick of his lip. It left your throat dry. Snap out of it, Y/N, what’s gotten into you?

He paused for a moment, his expression changing, and turned back to Sam, “Why’d you give of that shield?”

You held your breath, you knew this was going to come up, but weren’t expecting it here. You couldn’t take your eyes off of Bucky, noticing every change in his face, it becoming more pained with every word that left his mouth, and your chest tightening alongside it, until finally, “So maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, then he was wrong about me.”

The break in his voice cracked your heart into a million pieces. You looked up, trying to keep the tears swimming in your eyes from falling. You turned your attention towards Sam and noticed the emotion behind his glassy eyes – it was different than anything you had seen in him before, it was almost as though you could see the burden he was carrying on his shoulders, the pressure that was pushing him in every direction.

I have to fix this, you told yourself, you couldn’t stand to see them like this, I have to try.  

Your mind was roaring with thoughts, you hadn’t even noticed that Sam and Bucky had left until Raynor asked, “What would be in your miracle, Y/N?”

You snapped your head towards her, then to the door, you weighed your options and headed towards the latter. You grabbed the handle and stopped, without turning towards her you whispered, “I’d find a home again, and they’d find some happiness.”

You pulled the door open, “Y/N, I don’t think those two things have to be separate.”

Her words swam in your head until you found Bucky and Sam walking outside, Walker and Hoskins storming off in the other direction.

“What’s that all about?”

“Walker being Walker,” Sam shrugged.

“So, what now?”

“Bucky wants to talk to Zemo,” Every memory that you spent years trying to forget came flooding back: Zemo using those words to turn Bucky into the Winter Soldier, who then proceeded to trash the compound and nearly kill you and your friends; watching your family fight each other at the airport and being forced to pick a side; watching the footage of your parents dying; desperately begging your brother and the man who had become your brother not to kill one another.

“You what?!” You gasped.

“Y/N –”

You stepped between the two of them, close enough to Bucky that you had to tilt your head up to look into his eyes, and whispered, “Bucky, no.”

“This might be our only lead, Y/N,” You stared up at him, silently pleading him, he reflected the same in his own, “Please Y/N.”

He took your hand and you instantly melted, “I – fine, but promise me you will be careful.”

“I promise.”

End. 

Read Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 and Part 6

Masterlist // Rules List 

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[the-official-account]

Song by song thoughts

Can I believe you by the fleet foxes original made me go "oh shit this one's so vellum" and then I detoured into "okay no this one's vellum and Spar as a goes-boths-ways thing" and while that's somewhat true I'm assigning it to vellum. It's...... something about trust and Grey. And loss. And kidnappings. Something about the way Vellum's reaction to being targeted half the time is "Welp!" If just. And the way spar's can be....... hardheaded is probably the word. It tips it into being a vellum song. Also the multiple shifts in the instrumental each feel so vellum

Because of my one song per artist rule that's the end of my fleet foxes search

Dreams of the manbahsniese is the prelude to cora song I'm most familiar with, and it's definitely why I was drawn to this album. Vellum's vibes have also got a real hominess to them, but not necessarily in a mid-century modern way, but in a "the show grooves you hear through the walls that give you the impression your parents are slow dancing downstairs, and that used to embarrass you but now the thought brings only contentment" way. The song's also got this underlying current of mellow anxiety that is just....Just listen to this one. It's not a summary of vellum but it is a piece.

Where the river goes is a SINGLE not an album (huh!) And Akinmusire is a collaborator on it, which must be why I know it. I don't feel this breaks the single artist rule since this was a collaboration and also because I'm really like. It's got a subtle joy but also sadness with overtones of that same home-y-ness I mentioned. This is the "I carry a photograph of my parents in my breast pocket near my heart" song. Sometimes forgetting it's there, sometimes remembering fondly, other times letting the grief catch up to you on a sunny day, yk?

The song (not album) can't we be friends is the EXACT vibe I'm looking for from Ella but not the right lyrics. Feeling good about this album pick. Louis Armstrong has such a wonderful voice and it sounds like he's smoked so many cigars.

OOOH OKAY #2 IS THE WINNER! "Isn't this a lovely day". In cannon context, the subtle emotional conflict of being brought together from external conflict, but also comfort in the midst of all that. It's giving "relieved kisses after vampire battles" and "Reassuring hand squeezes before difficult conversations" and also some subtle internal determination to not let Spar walk away if/because he thinks he's part of Vellum's stress (which he is but not like that cjsvskdhd)

Okay I'm concerned about bleed out, because it isn't poppy but it is...it's really trout fishing in America for the mountain goats? Which isn't a bad thing but it's not sunset tree or Tallahassee vibes, which might seem more vellum at first but my gut is telling me THIS ONE. maybe it's the self-awareness of the lyrics.

Is it training montage I'm looking for? Revenge is not a vellum vibe at all.........TMG have a lot of second person that is probably what I'm drawn to about this one but I don't think this is what I'm going for. Not mark on you. Not wage wars get rich die handsome OBVIOUSLY LMAO. Extraction point is closerrrrr. I'll circle back if needed. It's not gonna be make you suffer or guys on ever corner. Bones don't rust is much more of a spar song that isn't going on the spar playlist for Single artist rule reason and also boys of pieces of it aren't him. Not first blood.

The real measure for these ones is "do the instrumentals match the lyrics and are the lyrics something I could imagine vellum saying brows furrowed, hunched over a cup of coffee?"

Not hostages.

Need more bandages is calling to me In a strange way. I get the feeling I want to connect it to an altogether song somehow, especially with the guitar.....Vellum dreamt up suits for a reason yk? Spar found him in his office at god awful hours of the night for a reason. I think this is a good one for that intensity.

I'm gonna skip to the altogether EP. I might have the wrong set from them it might be that other one but I'll get to that if I need. Not five minutes fosgdksbdkd though. I mean, at the speed at which these two fell head over heels for eachother you'd really think. Ohhhh I did not think Sophie was gonna vibe with me so much. Oh this one is SUCH a spar @ Anya song for sure. Oh god..oh god I'm soft. [Shaking with amatopunk energy that's got a whole different ramvly post behing it] I'm not excluding the lyric "will you be my one and only" because Anya IS spar's one and only. Maybe not in a romantic way but still. You can be vital to someone in a way no one else can, and have it be special and....fuck. You know??? It's the fucking vibes. That shit that happens when queerplatonic and Familial love melt into one big soap of WAH

Not for vellum though. I don't think Night was the one I originally had in mind but it counterbalances Need More Bandages really nicely and it's got very vellum-y instrumentals while being overtly yearny in a nice way. Checking the other briefly. Goodbye is definitely vellum if the central romance ends in heartbreak which is BETTER NOT (if it does I trust it's for good reason but I'ma be sad) but not general vibes. It's not history read either. Locking in on Night.

Another blue and new long leg aren't albums I'm super familiar with I just know the vibes of some songs on it that are tangential and so I'm hoping by looking at their album-mates I'll find something good

OOP nope scratch card lanyard is an Anya song. Such a very very Anya song. It's such a strange song but it does a great job of capture the wierd...water-bed-i-ness that is years after something fundamentally shaking happens (to say depressing is an understatement, and traumatizing is wrong. But yk. Leaves you unsteady) and the like. Just-out-of-the-pool or maybe just-cried-for-several-hours feeling that is getting back on your feet and off them again and on your feet and off again. I'll call it on this album for that I don't wanna get too repetitive.

And I'm thinking of that one goddamn song for spar while I'm at it. I wish I was by the avett brothers. As a side note.

Anyways I'm liking automatic..."and when your eyes run from me, I can tell it's you" can be so vellum @ spar. And it's got the vibes-by-variety thing I love for him. If I don't like it in the review stage of the playlist I'll return to the album. The bass at the end of the album feels like how your brain feels when getting a good hug.

I'm also getting Hozier vibes??? And I feel like his self names album is too dry but wasteland baby is too wet, and it has swells that are lovely to listen to but not very vellum. Maybe I'm thinking of bonus tracks in the self named?? I could see in the woods somewhere coming up if he gets up to some spooky shit but noooo? Yeah no. I'm looking for a Hozier song that exists in a dream.

OH WAIT AM I TRYING FOR NFWMB??? Oh. Oh if that's the vibes my brain was pulling me toward I am going to be delighted cause that's some gay shit. "Give your heart and soul to charity, cause the rest of you, the best of you, honey belongs to be" can be SUCH meaning when applied to vellum and Spar. Like. Like. Not an emphasis on inhumanity though that is also sexy it's just not this particular case, rather the "You can keep being a good person I love that about you, but i'm here for all the other parts of your being a good person requires and I love that" it's the "please bitch about your coworkers to me" energy that seems simple but implies something deeply understanding, domestic, and I might even go so far as to say erotic! As in the fucking..."Express here what you cant elsewhere, I adore that" sort of way. The simultaneous revelling of the protection offered by the subject of the song, and the reversal of the title/chorus. The caaaalmness of that fucking statement. Ooh. OOH!!!!! Like vellum isn't vengeful but the mirroring of Spar's loyalty in that Mellow way Vellum has that would be sinister if it weren't for good. I'm trying to word this in a way that makes sense— it's an adoration that waits, and schemes. This is the perfect balance I wanted though. It's dry, but it has the swelling of determination, but the melody and lyrics stay at the same level while it's the base, (the surround small ques, the body language of the song, if you will) that pushes it to its peak. This is exactly what I was trying for. This is fucking fist-fighting a fucking vampire just so they can't get back to spar and others while chewing gum xlhsodgdkdhd. This. This this this.

I'm VERY pleased with the progress I got out of this! I really went in thinking I wasn't gonna be able to find that many songs but no!!!! Nice!!!!!

Here's today's takeaway!

I'm pinging here because this is making me :D!! Rubbing my hands together.

@ilaalexei @citrusandsalt @threeheartscast

Spoons low time for Vellum playlist thoughts

This might be hard because I love Anya and Spar on a "I want to pin you to a table and direct you like a bug" kind of way, but I like vellum in a "I want to attend you lecture series and day dream about asking you out to coffee but I'm too intimidated to" kind of way, like emotionally yk?

We've gone super in depth about Spar's relationships because of the show being set in cloven heart, and it's amazing! On the contrary, a lot of Vellum's big interpersonal beats (that aren't with spar) are being hunted at but haven't taken center stage yet. So I have vibes for him but like I gotta understand what he's packing before I attempt a full dissection, if that makes sense.

The challenge is that Vellum, besides being an actual composer just has suuuuuuuch classical music vibes. I don't know that much classical music. I'm also being drawn towards Motown and Fitzgerald? Though Motown is 60s.

Anyways I have a few albums in mind:

Prelude to cora by ambrose akinmusire

Where the river goes by Wolfgang muthspeil

Can't we be friends? By Ella Fitzgerald and Louis armstrong

Bleed out by the mountain goats (??? I don't know. I'll see)

Another blue by cross legged

New long leg by dry cleaning

Look up by the altogether

I also need to go through my yearning playlists (yes plural. We're queer and I have a fuck ton of playlists) also Fleet foxes albums we're not familiar with, Motown hits cause we don't know the studio well. I'm looking for crooning and trying to avoid the pop-y feel like the plague. Pop is great. It's just not Vellum. He feels like a well placed accidental sounds.

But like. Vellum is strange, because he FEELS like a yearner but like...evolved. he feels like a man who's yearned and missed his shot (maybe it's his history with magic giving me this vibe) and has gotten used to saying "fuck it" in responce. And like. Feels like the kind of person who, maybe like Spar but in a...in a different way, would take a rejection and avoidance "in stride" as in "this deeply affects me but I respect you enough to continue to act like things are chill and normal and chill" (some of this has happened. Low spoons & low memory accesses means I can't cite my sources as well rn) but for Spar and Vellum normal looks very different. Spar's normal is energetic, and so when that's being faked it feels fundamentally different than Vellum's purposefully maintained normal which I would call not faked but forced? Anyways the distinction is crucial to the vibes of the instrumentation, cause Spar can have super upbeat bops with lyrics that are more serious, but I feel like Vellum's song are gonna be more emotionally congestive instead of presenting a contrast, and also mellow in a groovy way but not funky way.