#guys .. i’ve barely written in like 2-3 weeks

[kuroosdarling]

yearning, crying, screaming over this kuroo fic rn 😔

[fictionalreads]

This Was Never Meant to Be What It Feels Like (Part 3)

A/N: Heeeeeeey...How y'all doing?....I know it's been a couple weeks when I said days but a part of this just did not want to be written! Also, this one is a bit of a beast, just over 5,200 words. This is the final part of this lil mini series, I hope y'all enjoy and the conclusion is satisfying for you guys.

Part 1 Part 2

Pairing: Armando Aretas x Original Female Character

Fandom: Bad Boys Movies

Prompt: Mike gets a couple visits, Shay has some news and Armando makes a decision.

Warnings⚠️: Cussing, Mentions of bad parental relationships, uh.... I think that's it for this one.

Mike Lowrey was no stranger to being called into back rooms for an off the books meeting. What was unusual was the CBI agent waiting for him when last time he checked none of the cases he had been part of lately had anything to warrant federal attention. Well, besides the one with his son but he had been cleared almost a full year ago now and Julie had corroborated his story. Nah, this was something new.

“Officer Lowrey, I’m Agent Garrett with the California Bureau of Investigations. Please have a seat.” She was standing at her full height on the other side of the table while gesturing to one of two chairs in the room, the only one near him. He saw straight through her bullshit tactics to make him feel like she was in charge and had the upper hand.

“It’s Detective Lowrey and think I’ll stand. Now why don’t you cut the shit and tell me what the hell you want.” Her jaw tensed and he just barely managed to hold back a smirk. She wouldn’t get what she wanted by using the same perp tricks he had been using when she was still in diapers. You can’t bullshit the bullshitter.

Coming clean, she began, “I’ve been put in charge of running a task force out in LA, similar to your AMMO squad here. Our goal is to find and stop cartel drug from entering the country, maybe stop a few murders while we’re at it.”

So this was about Armando, just more recently than he thought. Damn son of his was definitely payback for the hell he raised when he was younger. If he was back on his shit, he might not be able to help him this time.

“Sounds like a good idea. I wish you luck,” he stated, feigning ignorance as to what this was really about.

“Your son Armando Aretas has many connections on the west coast that could be useful. Figured I could use him to knock down some of my open cases.”

She clearly had found out their connection, but he still wasn’t sure what she wanted from him. “I don’t know if you’ve been watching the news lately, but my son isn’t here in Miami. He’s been on the run for the better part of a year. I don’t know where he is.”

“You’re his father.” Agent Garrett takes the chair on her side of the table. “If anybody could find him, it’d be you. You’d know where to look right?” The flattery, the subtle leading questions to confirm what she believed and the sitting gave her away.

She was desperate.

If he had to guess, those open case files were all big cases that had her boss breathing down her neck. She’d probably been given an ultimatum with her job on the line and now she was desperate to do anything that would get her back on top, including working with a wanted man.

Mike sat. “What are the terms?”

“Terms?”

“What does Armando get in exchange for helping you?”

She looked at him in disbelief. “Terms are you don’t go to prison for aiding and abetting a murderer and he doesn’t get a bullet in his head immediately. Don’t know if you know this but cops aren’t a big hit in prison and I’m betting that’s especially true for you.”

“Don’t fucking insult me, please. Aiding and abetting implies I know where he is and I’m actively helping him. I’ve already told you I don’t know where he is. But like you said I’m your best shot at finding him. I’m also your best chance at not getting your men killed and losing him again. I’m not doing this shit without some assurances on his end. So I’ll ask again. What does he get for helping you?”

She shook her head. “You know when I came up with this whole thing, I did my my research on you. Figured I should know who I was getting into bed with. Everything I read told me you were one hell of a cop, always got your guy and made Miami just that much safer. Are you, this great cop, really going to bat for a murderer like him?”

That was where her approach was faulty. She was trying to appeal to his cop side, but he was a father first. “No, I, a father, am protecting my son.”

“I can offer him protective custody, knock some time off his sentence depending on how fruitful his tips are.” She offered lightly.

Too lightly. This was her throwaway offer, the one she knew was shit but was hoping he’d take anyway. So he called her bluff.

“He won’t come in for that. He had that deal with me already. All the shit that went down last year? The bodies dropped had to be put on someone and he got ‘em since he was a convicted felon, one that was alive and a part of the mess. Not to mention he ran off and became a fugitive. He’s looking at almost double what his sentence was when I arrested him. You’ll have to do better.”

Agent Garrett seemed to be debating with herself. She let out a heavy breath,”I’ve been authorized to grant him a special deal.”

Now they were getting somewhere.

“What kind of deal?”

“The kind that puts my ass on the line.”

Something about this whole interaction was bugging him. “Tell me something. Why are you willing to put your badge on the line for someone you clearly can’t stand?”

“I don’t trust Aretas. But this isn’t about me. Its about making my city safer. His intel could be the key to shutting down major operations. He has connections everywhere, and that’s what I care about. I’m not putting myself on the line for him, I’m doing it for my city.”

“You sure you’re not doing it for your bosses? They up yo ass about getting shit done?”

“I proposed using Aretas. They were against it. Said we were cleaning up just fine but I’m tired of cleaning up after the fact and only getting low level dealers. I want to cut this thing off at the head.”

“At the end of the day that’s my son. I need to know that somebody has his back. Why should I trust that that’s you?”

“Like I said this is my proposal. My bosses made it clear that if he fails I fail. He gives me the wrong intel, he leads us astray, he turns on us, I’m fired. I’m just as invested in his success because I have something to lose too.”

“What’s the offer?”

❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

“Hi, I’m looking for Mike Lowrey?” Shay swallowed down the feeling of nausea, hoping it was just the nerves making her feel this way.

“He’s not in at the moment, but I’m his wife Christine. Is there anything I can do for you?”

Shay hesitates. Could she do anything? Hell she wasn’t sure what this Mike Lowrey could do for her either. She flew all the way to Miami, and for what? Some detective Armando had left the name of in case she needed help? This was a bad idea. She knew he was a cop, and after looking him up a supposedly good one, but how could she trust him when he socialized with a murderer? Ignoring her own dalliances with the man, she could only think about the fact that Detective Mike Lowrey had sworn to arrest people like Armando, not be someone they trusted.

She felt overwhelmed for the millionth time in the past month and a half and was debating just leaving when Christine offered, “why don’t you come in? Mike should be home soon and you can wait inside for him instead of in the heat.”

She wasn’t sure if it was the heat, Christine's sweet voice coupled with the endearing British accent or the way her face screamed warmth, but she found herself saying, “yeah. Yeah okay.”

Christine opened the door wider for her to enter and Shay marveled at the inside of the house as much as she had the outside. This guy was definitely a dirty cop. There was no way he was able to afford this on a detective’s salary. What the hell was she getting herself into?

“Please have a seat,” she gestured towards the couch.  It looked like it was more for the aesthetic than actual use but she was pleasantly surprised to find it very comfortable. “Would you like something to drink? I have water and that disgusting stuff my husband calls sweet tea,” Christine joked.

“Water is fine,” she replied with a smile. Shay watched as Christine stepped past a wall into what she assumes was the kitchen. The creeping sensation of nausea hit her once more. Digging in her purse and finding a ginger chew, she didn’t see Christine come back in the room with a bottle of water. Almost instantaneously she felt relief, so maybe it was all psychosomatic. Just her nerves going haywire.

“How far along are you?” Shay startled at the question.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.

“It’s okay. What makes you think I’m pregnant?”

“I saw the chew and just assumed.” 

She didn’t believe that for a second. “Some assumption based off just a ginger chew. What if I just like them?”

“Honestly the chew was just the cherry on top for my assumption. You hold yourself the same way my sister held herself when she was pregnant for the first time. A bit unsure, scared definitely, but ready for war all the same.”

Well, damn. She didn’t know she gave off that much with just how she stood.

Ignoring how unexpectedly open she felt, she answered Christine’s question from before.“Thirteen weeks.” Suddenly Shay realized how this could look, a random pregnant woman showing up looking for her husband and not telling her what she wants, so she quickly explained. “It’s not your husband’s!”

Christine laughed brightly, “Oh darling the thought never crossed my mind. Mike may have once been that guy, but he’s not anymore. He’s a good man.” Shay kept her doubts to herself.

“Christine? Who’s car is that out front?” The man she assumed to be Mike Lowrey was juggling a duffle bag and struggling to get his keys out of the door, not once looking in their direction.

Smirking like it was a game, Christine replied, “It’s a rental.”

“Why do we need a rental?” He finally looked up, noticing Shay in the room. She could see his guard go right back up.

“Mike, this is Shay. She was hoping to speak with you,” his wife explained to him.

“Do I know you?” He was blunt but not unkind with his words, something she hoped would continue in their conversation.

“Mike!” Christine admonished before turning to Shay with, “Please, excuse Mike. He can bring his interrogation tactics into other parts of his life sometimes.”

“It’s okay. If a random woman showed up saying she needed to speak to me, I’d probably question it too.” She was hoping her understanding would get her some traction and not immediately thrown out when he found out why she was here.

Mike still held caution in his face. “So…?” He left the obvious question unspoken, wondering who she was and why she was here in his home.

Shay paused. She wasn’t sure how to bring it up and didn’t want to say anything in front of his wife in case she truly had no clue her husband was a dirty cop. She may have been desperate enough to find this guy,  but she wasn’t going to be the one to ruin this poor woman’s marriage.

Luckily Christine picked up on her reluctance to speak in front of an audience and excused herself. “I’m going to head upstairs for a moment, give you two some time to talk.”

While Shay relaxed, Mike tensed. Once Christine was gone, he questioned her. “Who the hell are you and what do you want?”

“I was told if I ever needed anything, I should find you.”

Mike carefully focused his attention on sitting his duffle near the armchair, going to take a seat himself. He might not be looking directly at her anymore, but she knew all of his attention was on her as he spoke. “Who the fuck told you that? Better yet, why my house? Why not meet me in the station?”

Ignoring the second question, she replied, “Armando Aretas.”

Mike’s head snapped back to her. She was almost concerned for his neck with how fast he moved.

Continuing at his silence she said, “I figured you wouldn’t want to discuss him at work.”

“What about him?”

“He was in LA a few months ago.”

He first whispered to himself, “Dumbass don’t listen.” Then he spoke louder, clearly to her this time, “What does this have to do with you and why you’re here?”

She wasn’t sure where to start. How does one tell a dirty cop working for one’s murderer baby daddy that you need him to tell said baby daddy you were pregnant? “We were…together. I’m pregnant now.” She hoped he would catch on without her spelling it out but he didn’t.

Instead, Mike blinked. “What?” A million unidentifiable emotions ran over his face before he carefully shut it down, facing her with no emotion at all now.

“I am with child, in the family way, carrying a bun in the oven, whatever you want to call it.” There was still no response from him so she continued her rant, “look I’m not asking for him to come back or pay for anything. I’m fully prepared to take care of this kid myself, but not even trying to tell him was weighing on my conscience. So I figured if I found you like he said, you could pass on the message for me. I just need to be able to know I did everything I could to let him know.”

She had prepared for a lot of responses to her plea. Anger on Armando’s behalf, a dismissal, hell even laughter at her audacity, but his next words were ones she somehow missed in her spiral. “I’m not in contact with him.”

Shay tried not to be hurt at his response, not for herself, but for her baby. Okay, well a little bit for herself. She was in love with the man-yes, still- and knowing he truly didn’t leave a way to contact him again crushed the little bit of hope his note had left behind. Why would he send her to Mike if it wasn’t a way to get in touch with him? “So why would he tell me to find you?”

A pause.

“Armando’s my son.”

The statement was so far from what she was expecting to hear that she paused. “Wait so you don’t…you don’t work for him? With him? Whatever.”

Mike laughed loudly, “nah, I don’t work in that world. I stand by the badge.”

“So how did he…?” She trailed off, confused.

“Look our situation is…complicated, but if he sent you in my direction I’m gonna help you in any way I can. I mean, I’d love to get to know you and be in my grandchild’s life if you’ll let me.” His words were reminiscent of the night she had asked Armando about his family. He too had called his relationship with his father complicated.

Despite the unknown of it all, his offer was partly the reason she had found Mike. A family for her child, something she never really had. “Yeah. Yeah I’d like that.” It may not be exactly what she was looking for, but she would take what she could get. At least her baby would have some connection to their father’s side of the family. But she still had a question, one that had no answer now that her assumptions were corrected.

“So if you aren’t dirty, how do you afford living like this?”

Mike let out a laugh louder than the one from before. “I’m a trust fund kid. Never really had to work but all I’ve ever wanted was to be a cop.”

“Sounds like one hell of a trust fund,” she scoffed.

Turning serious he impressed, “One that continues to grow from a few investments made along the way. This kid will have that same freedom. They’ll be able to do whatever they want in life and never have to worry about money.”

That statement alone almost made her cry. She didn’t have much growing up, wondering if she and her mother would even be able to eat everyday. When she had found out she was pregnant, despite making more money than her mother did she found herself worrying her child would have those same experiences.

She may not have Armando, a partner she’d hoped to have, but he had made sure she had everything she needed.

❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Habitual but flexible.

That was Armando’s motto. Habitual in the precautions he took but flexible enough everywhere else to not create patterns. Patterns were how you got caught, and Armando refused to be put in another cage. He always double checked his locks when he left his place, checked his surroundings before leaving and arriving at his place so as not to run into his neighbors. The less people who could identify him the better.

Which is why seeing his door wide open as he turned onto his street was so unsettling.

Normally he would just leave town, dump this alias and start over with another elsewhere, but there were a few things he didn’t want to part with. Upon his first return to Mexico, he had managed to find his mother’s emergency stash and in it was a photo of the two of them before he was forced out of the prison when he turned six. Despite his conflicted feelings on his mother’s choices and the lies she told him, he still loved her and this was all he had left of her.

If she were around she’d chastise his sentimentality.

He also had a letter his father had written him when he left Miami that he kept because even with the complexity of their relationship, he still wished he’d had the opportunity to get to know him. He wished he could have done things differently. That letter may be his only chance to know his father, even a little bit.

The last thing was a photo of Shay. He had taken it one morning before he left on a polaroid camera she had lying around. The sun had been rising and he remembered wishing what they had could be real, that he could stay in bed and wake up with her instead of having to run out and lie all the time. It was the only thing he had left of the only relationship he’d ever have again.

So he weighed his options. Either he went in and fought whoever was there, grabbed his things and hopefully made it out in time to not get caught, or he left now and hoped whoever it was left without calling for backup so he could get his things before leaving town. He either risked his freedom or he risked losing the only items that reminded him of his humanity forever.

He pulled his gun and carefully made his way into the apartment he’d called home for a couple weeks.

“Don’t shoot, it’s just me.”

Armando relaxed, but kept his gun in his hand. “What are you doing here Detective?” His tone was snippy, as though his father speaking to him was a bother. He knew that wasn’t true, but it was like he couldn’t help the animosity that came out when he spoke to his father. No matter how much he’d love to try with the man, he’d just get so angry about it all that it came out confrontational.

“What? A man can’t see his son?” Mike didn’t rise to the obvious bait of his tone, instead trying to lighten the mood with a tease.

Armando simply raised an eyebrow at the deflection. “Not when that man is a decorated detective and his son is a fugitive,” he coldly stated. He needed to know what Mike wanted so he could get on with his life. Who knows how many eyes are on the man, he was risking Armando’s freedom, not that he seemed to care. Irritated at the lack of concern for him, he accused, “you risked the badge once just to let me go, you won’t risk it again, not even for me. It means too much to you.” I don’t mean enough to you went unsaid but not unheard.

“Armando I’d risk everything for you.” The fight left Mike, and he sighed, finding a seat on the edge of the bed. “You’re my son and I know I’m not the best at showing it, but that shit means something to me. Our relationship means something to me. I didn’t have the best relationship with my father so I told myself I wouldn’t have kids cause I didn’t want to repeat the cycle. But then I found out about you. And despite the fact that circumstances made it so it isn’t easy, I still don’t want the cycle to be repeated. I love you man. I’ll do whatever you need me to, to prove that to you. Including walking away if you say no to my proposal.”

There it was. The real reason he was here now, he needed something like always. Armando put his gun away in exasperation. He was so tired of just being used that he couldn’t help but get a jab in. “Whatever man. This don’t mean shit to you. It’s all transactional for you, I’m good enough to help you get what you want and that’s why you come around. So what is it this time?”

“Is that what you think? That I don’t care about you?” What the hell else was he supposed to think?

“If you did, you would have come to see me in prison without needing my help on a case.” He argued before quietly following up with, “I would have been enough of a reason to visit.” He hated when this stupid hurt boy routine flared up. He looked weak, like una puta.

Mike stood and stepped close to Armando. Refusing to back down, Armando met his stare head on, ignoring the way his throat was getting tight and tears were pooling in his eyes. “Armando I never needed you on those cases. I knew that if I could get intel from you and put you down on paper, it would help you out. I was trying to help.” He blinked and a single tear made its way down his face. It was too much now and he had to look away.

Mike placed a hand on his shoulder, continuing, “I love you. Nothing is more real than that. If I had known you would take my help as me using you, I never would’ve asked for your help.”

Facing his father once more, Armando spoke lowly, “Si lo hubieras sabido, ¿te habría importado?” He didn’t explain what he meant, knowing his father understood what he was asking.

“Nada me hubiera importado más.” Mike asserted.

He nodded, finally having an answer to the question that had been burning inside him. He focused on the reason Mike was in front of him, not the emotions his answer stirred in him. “What’s the proposal?” He asked much more calmly this time around.

“LAPD is starting up a team like AMMO. They were hoping to recruit you to be a part of it, use your knowledge to help stop cartel drugs from entering the states.”

“And go back in a cage? No I’m good.” He shook his head, a clear no coming from him.

“You wouldn’t be arrested again, you’d be put up in an apartment. Free to walk the city after an initial probationary period of just work and home. After that, there would be twenty-four hour surveillance, random drug tests and check-ins. Eventually you would become a private citizen.”

It sounded like a trap. “If I don’t give them what they want I get arrested right?”

“Yeah, but I have all the faith you’ll be great at it. Plus I made sure it was as ironclad for you as possible.”

“Why would I agree to this? Sounds like a lot could go wrong and land me back in prison. If that happens I’m never getting out again.”

“You aren’t the killer your mother made you into. You only did any of it because she fueled you with rage and ideas of revenge before she pointed you at a target. If you were really a killer, you would’ve killed me anyway. You live by a code, and only do what’s necessary. No more, no less.”

Sometimes when he was feeling really low he’d think about what his life would have been like if he’d had a normal life. Would he have chosen violence anyway? He’d like to think he’d hav e chosen to protect. Maybe be a firefighter or an EMT cause he was still an adrenaline junkie, but maybe he wouldn’t have to hurt anybody. If his father was saying the same thing he thought, then maybe he could believe it to be true. Before he could think on it, his father spoke once more, shifting his whole world.

“Besides, Shay’s pregnant. We not giving another generation of Lowrey these bullshit daddy issues.”

❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Six Months Later

“Marcus we ain’t got time for that shit.”

“I just asked the man a question!”

“No, you used the question as a cover to try and buy some damn skittles.”

“Oh so now you the skittle police? I thought we worked narcotics?”

“Yo ass ain’t supposed to have that shit and you know it. Don’t try to make it out like I’m the one that’s going overboard.”

“Aye Mike what would they call the skittle department? The rainbow division? Don’t worry everybody! Mike Lowry is working the rainbow!”

“That’s homophobic.”

“It’s the slogan! What else would it be called Mike?”

“Why the fuck are you here?”

“Man fuck you-“

“Your presence really wasn’t needed-“

“I’m just trying to be a good friend-“

“This is a moment for my family-“

“And now I’m not family to you?!”

“You called my family fucked up remember?”

“Yo son was tryna kill us and his mama was gonna let us burn in a fire!”

“Are you pendejos done?”

“Mike! That mean assholes right?”

“Yeah he just called us assholes. But Imma let it slide cause he got to be high on that new father shit to call me an asshole.”

“Nah I just think he don’t respect you. That’s what you get for not raising him. My boys would never.”

“Marcus!”

Shay knew this could devolve again if she didn’t get their attention. “Guys! Do you want to meet her?”

The men focused their attention on the baby Shay was holding against her chest. Marcus visibly melted at the sight, Mike simply softening his shoulders with a small smile. 

Armando joined Shay, leaning on the bed using a finger to trace down their daughter’s arm. When he spoke, he kept his eyes on his daughter. “This is Amada Rose Lowrey.”

“Lowrey?”Mike coughed.

Armando shrugged. “I wasn’t actually an Aretas, I was supposed to be a Lowrey. Figured she and I could claim our real family name.”

Mike nodded. “That’s cool man. Real cool,” he choked out.

“Awe Mike,” Marcus cried.

“Mm-mm Marcus. Stop it right now.”

“But Mike he’s taking your last name!”

Ignoring his bumbling partner, Mike walks over to Shay, giving her a kiss on the forehead. “How you doing Mama?”

“Extremely sore, but happy.”

“Well you did good, she’s beautiful.”

“You wanna hold her?”

Knowing his father’s aversion to holding babies, he goads hims, “Yeah Papa, wanna hold her?”

Surprising them all, he said, “You know what? I will.”

Shay handed her daughter over to Mike, making sure he supported her head correctly.

Armando joined Shay on the bed and wrapped her in his arms now that she wasn’t holding the baby. He simply watched his father holding and whispering to his baby girl with fond eyes, knowing his daughter would know nothing but love and presence from the man. They would have a real relationship right from the start. He and Mike themselves had been working on things, talking through the lies and anger and getting to a better place.

“How’s work? They give you any time off?” Marcus asked him.

In the end there hadn’t been a choice. He was going to be present in his child’s life, no matter what and sneaking into LA would just get riskier every time he did it. If he didn’t get caught just trying to get to his family, he would’ve gotten caught because if how much he would’ve been there to see them. And he’d be damned if he was raising his child from behind bars so he took Agent Garrett up on her offer.

He turned to face his uncle, replying, “Good, we wrapped a case a day before Shay went into labor. I’ll have about a couple weeks at home with the girls before I’m expected back.” 

It had somewhat surprised him how seriously Marcus had taken to being his uncle. The man was supportive of his new role with the LAPD and called almost as often as his father did, checking in and making sure he was being safe. Seeing him at the hospital now wasn’t a shock at all.

“I’m just glad they gave him any time at all,” Shay interrupted. As his employment with the LAPD wasn’t under normal circumstances, he wasn’t sure if they’d grant him time at home with his girls. Agent Garrett had stuck her neck out for him once again and gotten him twelve days exactly.

Armando leaned down and kissed her, forever grateful for the woman who stood by his side despite his past. She had lost a couple friends when they found out who he was, the ones that stayed had definitely judged her and never truly came around to him as a person. She never wavered though, taking it all with grace and holding his hand as they planed for their future. He couldn’t wait to ask her to marry him.

Amada let out a cry, disrupting his internal debate on the pros and cons of asking her right that moment. He knew it probably meant she was hungry again, so he shifted his hold on Shay so she could get the b baby again and feed her.

“I think that’s a cry for mommy,” Mike chimed as he passed the baby back.

“Yeah Mike you ain’t got the right equipment,” Marcus tossed out.

Mike turned to Marcus incredulously. “Now why would you say some dumb shit like that?”

“You don’t!”

Armando turned his attention from the bickering men, whispering to his little family, “Here they go.”

Honestly, though? He wouldn’t trade his family for nothing.

A/N: Don't forget to leave a comment or reblog/like! What did we think? I have a few other ideas in mind for Armando but I'm not sure how they'll play out, so I'm CAUTIOUSLY open to prompt from you guys for drabbles. Please keep in mind that I can't do smut.😅

Translations:

Una Puta - A bitch

Si lo hubieras sabido, ¿te habría importado? - If you had known, would you have cared?

Nada me hubiera importado más. -Nothing would have mattered to me more.

Pendejos - Assholes

Taglist:

@yeahnohoneybye @bootlegroach @omg-mymelaninisbeautiful

[c-c-cherry]

Sooo I’m getting into writing fics and I was wondering: How do you plan it out? Whenever I write something it feels like there was no point or plot.

Helllooo!

Honoured that I’m being asked for advice because I’m truly just a little guy loll. I write for the sole purpose that it gives me self-indulgent joy, and I’d like to preface and say that if something you wrote that has no real “plot” fills you with joy, then true enlightenment has been met.

BUT I’ve found that I accidentally follow 3 steps when it comes to plotting and scheming. I shall try to be brief under the cut (but knowing me I won’t be):

—————

Step one: The little itch in your brain that must be scratched

A lot of time for me, a plot or idea can come from a very isolated feeling first. Like I want to very simply imagine how a character would react or feel to a certain circumstance. Like Area Hysteria for example? “I want to play around with the possession trope.” Or “I wanna try my hand at describing the excruciating feeling of being buried alive.”

Step two: formulating a plot around all the abstract little feelings in your brain

I’ve found what works for me when it comes to fleshing out plot is one golden rule: go into your planning with the intention that it could all be written in one chapter. Start plotting incredibly simple. That way, your beginning, end, and main thread of plot is already there and all you have to do is try not to stray from it when filling in gaps. My oneshot plot for Area Hysteria was “reigen out on call, trapped under building, the others rescue him, the end.” That could happen in 5k words……..right?

Step three(ish): The (sometimes optional) urge to add detail.

It’s only when I begin writing with that “simple” plot in mind that I find I want to continue writing more detail in certain areas. “I want a chapter of just build-up before he’s under rubble” “I wanna know what the others are thinking while he’s under there” “I want a detailed rescue scene” “I want the Kageyama brothers to have their relationship affected by this” “I want to incorporate Teru’s desire for parental support” “I want to make this originally tiny plot point of memory blasts last 2 chapters instead of just one scene.” The list evidently goes on haha

Sometimes this doesn’t happen? The JJK fic I wrote this week on a whim had a plot that I barely messed with. An abstract feeling of “struggling to process grief/mourning” became: “Gojo unknowingly projects his grief onto one of his students, Yuji reassures him he won’t meet the same fate.” Something like that was so simple to me that I had no desire to keep it longer than it came out.

—————

Hope this helps a little bit? I’ve got a strange brain but it’s also a very methodological brain.

I’m always interested in what people are working on and I love talking little prompts and snippets so please people come and bother me about fics if you so dare

[bella-goths-wife]

Some boundaries please 🙏

Hi guys, I just wanted to have a quick talk about some boundaries I’d like to put down for the future please.

1. I understand that it is very frustrating to not have certain fics to update and I understand that it can annoy you when I don’t write for a few weeks but some of the things sent to my inbox is very rude and threatening. I know that most of you understand tumblr etiquette and wouldn’t act like this but to the minority that do, please understand that I don’t owe you fics and you are not entitled to regular updates on fics. While I enjoy writing and see it as something very fun to do as a creative outlet, I also have a life which includes a job in a very demanding industry and an education that requires many hours of attention. I also suffer heavily with my mental health which means that I will not always be able to update regularly and while I understand it’s frustrating, it’s my decision to focus on making sure I remain stable over updating. That being said please don’t leave threatening or rude messages in my ask box.

2. Secondly, as my lost boys daughter series has become more noticeable I’ve had quite a few asks and messages asking to remove faith jones as a character or to make her platonic. As a queer woman myself, I will not allow for WLW and sapphic erasure. I understand that some of you may not be interested in a love story between two women but it’s my choice as the writer of this au to create faith jones and have her identify as a lesbian while being a love interest for the reader. If you aren’t interested in a WLW storyline I’ve created then there are plenty of male love interests such as Dimitri or James. There is no place on this blog where it is acceptable for you to ask me to kill off a character I have created simply because she is a lesbian. It is also unacceptable for you to ask for me to make her bisexual in order to ship her with the male characters. I’m okay with there being a poly line ship between James, lost boys daughter and faith as faith and James are not romantically involved and are only linked by their shared love of lost boys daughter, but please do not try and erase a lesbian character I have tried so hard to layer and make a solid character out of.

3. I understand that some of you may enjoy Dub-con and Non-con and want to see this, I have also read fics with these elements and enjoyed them. But I please ask that you don’t request graphic non con scenes from me involving my characters as I do not feel comfortable writing them and I don’t have the emotional stability to create these scenes for you to enjoy. Any sexual assault ever mentioned is mentioned briefly and will never be written into a scene descriptively as I don’t feel comfortable to describe the physical act of sexual assault or non con. So please bare that in mind when sending me very graphic descriptions of sexual assault and asking me write them with my characters in mind. ESPECIALLY when asking me to put characters that have a pre-established parental relationship into a scene such as that. I’m very uncomfortable with the thought of that and I’m even more uncomfortable when it’s sent to me so graphically. I understand that I have previously mentioned sexual assault and non con in my previous fics such as bowers gang but I have done this in a non descriptive manner and in note form which is the only way it will be written about.

4. I write very dark themes that are usually included in the yandere tropes and I understand that it can be upsetting for some people to read, which is why I always write my warnings down in my fics and if it is particularly disturbing I write about how my intentions are not to romanticise or glorify these themes but to write about them for entertainment and educational purposes. That being said, please understand that after that point any media you consume is your responsibility so telling me that my fics are too dark for you and that I should stop writing about them is not correct etiquette. Please read my warnings thoroughly and decide for yourself if you want to read the fic before reaching out to me and telling me that my writing is too dark.

Please understand that I’m not trying to be seen as rude or mean when I’m writing this, I simply want to set down some boundaries for my own mental health and to help the minority of people who have done things like I have listed fic etiquette.

Thank you for reading and please respect my boundaries from here out.

[madsworld15]

Part 3 of Asexual Rep AU (QAF)

I have decided to upload another part because it's been written so, you are welcome @maryp50 and @winderlylandchime HEHE

Justin worked the rest of his shift with an energy he’d been lacking before. Normalcy had been restored, and Brian was once again that bitchy business queen in his mind. His one moment of kindness and concern had been overshadowed by his arrogance. It was the way things should be.

That night after work, Justin went to Woody’s for a couple of drinks where he ran into Emmett and Ted. The duo quickly welcomed him to join them as they scouted the room for potential partners for the evening. Around 2 am, they all packed it in and went home alone. However, Justin was sure Emmett was going to end up calling that cute Southern man he’d been flirting with for most of the night.

Justin walked the four blocks to his and Daphne’s place, his thoughts a million miles away. Once he arrived at their apartment and let himself in, he immediately went to bed. Daphne was a pre-med student, so she had early classes almost every single day. He knew they would chat in the morning over their cups of coffee and last-minute study sessions.

Sure enough, the next morning, Daphne woke him up half an hour early with a hot cup of coffee and the look of a best friend who wanted to talk.

“Mmm.” Justin took a sip from the proffered mug and smiled, “Thanks.”

“I feel like we keep missing each other. I haven’t seen you in days.” Daphne gave Justin her signature ‘you’re toast’ look.

“Between work and school, I barely have any time to myself.” Justin shrugged and leaned his back against his headboard. “Let alone time for freedom and fun.”

“I distinctly remember you telling me about a fun night at a gay club a few weeks ago.” Daphne crawled up the bed to position herself side-by-side with Justin.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t tell you the whole story.” Justin sighed and closed his eyes. This would be the first time he would be talking about the incident out loud.

“Oh?” Daphne sounded nonchalant and unconcerned, but Justin knew better. She was itching to know more.

“Emmett invited me to join him and Ted at this gay club Babylon after I got off work that Thursday night. So, having nothing better to do, I joined him.” Justin put his coffee mug down on the bedside dresser.

“Oh my god! How was it? I have always wanted to go to a gay club!” Daphne perked up, her excitement barely contained.

“You are a freak, you know that?” Justin laughed at his best friend before he continued. “Anyway, I enjoyed some time on the dance floor until this guy made a move to undo my pants. Without asking me.”

“Please tell me you punched him!” Daphne looked horrified at what could potentially happen to him.

“No, but Brian showed up and possessively pushed those guys away,” Justin responded. “And then he kept dancing with me until I wanted to go home. It was weird, like he wanted something from me but didn’t ask.”

“Brian. The Brian. The older guy who comes into the diner and constantly treats you like crap? That guy?” Daphne knew all about Brian because of how often Justin complained about him. But she didn’t know that Brian always gave Justin more of a tip than was necessary.

“Yep!”

“And?” Daphne turned to face him with an expectant look, but Justin didn’t have anything else to give her.

“And nothing. It’s been almost two weeks, and he hasn’t said a word to me about it. And before yesterday, our interactions at the diner and the few occasions I’ve seen him at Woody’s have all been the same. But, then yesterday, I was working the late shift, and his whole friend group came in, and instead of being rude and snarky to me, Brian was kind. Unnaturally kind, like invasion of the body snatchers.” Justin sat up completely and crossed his legs.

“He likes you!” Daphne squealed and put her hands on each of Justin’s biceps. She shook him excitedly as her grin grew more and more.

“What?! No! The guy is a conceited asshole.” Justin dismissed Daphne’s assertion. “Moments later, we were out back, and Brian told me he was everyone’s type.”

“Back up. Why were you both out back?” Daphne gave him a knowing look.

“I needed a breath of fresh air because it's all so confusing,” Justin exclaimed.

“And he followed you.” Daphne continued to give him a look. “Because he likes you.”

“No, Brian isn’t like that. He doesn’t do boyfriends or commitment of any kind. He is all about sex.”

“And that makes you upset because you like him, and you know the moment he learned you don’t like sex, he would stop being interested.” Daphne pulled her best friend into a deep hug.

“I shouldn’t like him, Daph. I know it won’t end well. But, he’s all I think about even when he’s not around.”

“Then you need to limit your time around him. At least until you are over him.” Daphne gave Justin one last squeeze before she got up to go shower and head to her first class.

“How? He comes into the diner every day. I can’t exactly quit my job. I need the money.”

“How about I start coming to the diner after my classes to help keep you focused?” Daphne stated. “That way, you can work and not get drawn any deeper under his spell.”

“Okay. We can try that.” Justin agreed as he, too, got up to get ready for classes.

The next day, Daphne was true to her word and deposited herself at the back corner booth to study while Justin did his Friday evening shift. Things were going well, and they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Brian, despite seeing Ted and Emmett early in his shift. He was certain Brian wouldn’t show up that night when the man came breezing through the door. Only, he wasn’t his usual self. This time, Brian was wearing a white tee under his signature black leather jacket. His hair was a mess and Justin was pretty sure the tee had some stains on them. Not only that, Brian was lugging a baby carrier on his right arm. Justin bit back a laugh at the image.

A loud squeal was all he heard before Debbie pushed him aside in favor of the baby.

“GUS!” Debbie cooed as she unbuckled the baby and held him in her arms. Justin wasn’t familiar enough with babies to guess his exact age, but he figured he looked to be a few months old.

“If you love him so much, you can take him.” Brian groused and slumped down onto the counter. “Lindsay thought I was responsible enough to take care of him for the weekend while she works and Mel is at her yenta mother’s.”

“Well, you are his father!” Debbie admonished him. “And don’t insult Mel or her mother.”

“It’s not as though Mel wouldn’t do the same with me.” Brian tried to argue. “Besides, I gave up my rights as his father the day he was born. That was our deal.”

“A piece of paper doesn’t erase DNA.” Debbie chided and handed the baby back to Brian.

Justin finally found his voice enough to snark out incredulously, “You’re a dad?”

“I donated my spunk to a couple of cwazy wesbians.” Brian parroted as he stared his son in the eyes and made a goofy face for his benefit, “That doesn’t make me a father.”

Justin didn’t say anything else. He didn’t know what to say. But it did end up making him think about his own father for the first time in ages, really think about him. Brian’s assertion that a sperm donation didn’t make him a father nor give him the responsibility of stepping up really got under Justin’s skin. His whole life he believed his father loved him unconditionally. Despite their lack of connection or understanding, the man still loved him. Then, he learned quickly that there was one thing that could turn his father’s love off. Coming out as gay.

He walked away and let Debbie deal with him. He went over to Daphne’s booth and sat down. She didn’t say anything, but she placed her hand on his just the same. If anyone understood his complicated relationship with his dad, Daphne did.

“Don’t judge him.” Debbie’s voice floated above him. Justin looked up into the soft, dark eyes of the woman, “Remember what I said about how most people here have their own story? Well, Brian’s dad is probably the worst of them all.”

Justin silently looked at Debbie as he processed her words. “Just think about it, sunshine.”

As Justin continued his shift, he occasionally let his gaze wander over to Brian. Eventually, the man pulled out what looked like work as Gus slept in his baby carrier. Without a word, Justin refilled his coffee cup. He looked at Brian’s papers from across the counter. It was a bunch of artwork for what looked to be an ad.

“Can I?” Justin motioned to the ad Brian was fussing over.

Brian looked at Justin and then at the ad. “Sure, I can’t quite figure out why I don’t like it.”

Justin looked it over. The people in the image looked happy enough, the words stood out. Then he saw it. 

“You need to change the color of the font. Right now, the blue gives the image’s happiness a bitter tinge, making it sad. You want people to love the idea of this product. The text should be orange to invigorate them.” Justin gave a tight smile as he handed the ad back to Brian.

He started to move away and see to the people who had just sat down at Table 4 when Brian grabbed at his hand.

“How do you know?” The man looked genuinely interested to know how it was that Justin could see what he had missed.

“I’m an art major at PIFA with an interest in graphic art.” Justin shrugged and then went back to work, leaving Brian to contemplate what he’d just said.

By the time Justin was able to make it back over to Brian at the counter, another thirty minutes had passed, and he was now feeding the baby a bottle. Justin hung back to watch how gentle and unguarded Brian was around the little boy who shared his genetic material. Despite what Brian had said, Justin could see firsthand just how much Brian actually loved his son.

“You know, just because our dads before us have fucked everything up doesn’t mean you can’t do things differently,” Justin whispered, filled Brian’s cup again, and then walked away to clock out and gather up Daphne so they could go home.

He was just out the door when Brian’s hand landed on his bicep to stop him. Daphne gave him a look and motioned that she would be just up the block. Justin silently begged her to stay right there, but she shook her head and left.

Justin turned around and gave Brian a smile. The two stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes before Brian bit his lip. Justin noticed that his hands were doing that weird thing they did when he was uncomfortable or nervous, where he had his fingers battling each other for dominance.

“Look, I just wanted to say thank you.” Brian took a deep breath. His face looked pained, as though it took so much out of him to admit that simple phrase.

“Oh. It was no big deal.” Justin waved him off and moved to reunite with Daphne. 

But Brian stopped him once more by grabbing his arm. Only this time, the force spun Justin around until he was in Brian’s chest, and the older man’s arms were wrapped around his torso. Justin knew he should leave right then. No good would come out of whatever was bound to happen next.

“I don’t understand you.” Brian whispered, “The minute a guy doesn’t show interest in me, I forget him. But with you, I can’t stop.”

“Uhh.” Justin’s mouth was suddenly dry. “I, um, I’m sorry?” Justin tried, not really sure what Brian wanted from him.

“I don’t believe in love. I believe in fucking. It’s honest. It’s efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. And yet, for some reason, I can’t quite get you out of my head.”

Justin couldn’t seem to get the words out at first, his brain in overdrive trying to process whatever it was that Brian was saying. He finally managed after what felt like hours.

“I believe in love and commitment. I’m not a fan of sex. It makes things messy and complicated.”

“I should be running away. And yet, all I want to do is get closer to you.” Brian admitted before he leaned over and placed his lips on Justin’s.

The heat that immediately radiated from Brian’s body and into Justin at their contact almost stopped his heart. This kiss was like nothing Justin had ever felt before. If lightning were to strike him down at that moment, he would die happy. Their kiss continued long enough for Brian’s tongue to ask for entrance into Justin’s mouth. That little tap woke Justin up, and the magic was gone. He pulled out of Brian’s touch entirely.

The two stared at one another and muttered, “Fuck.” at the same time, but with entirely different meanings.

Then Justin ran to Daphne, putting as much space between him and Brian as he could.

[officialchristiancagebbgirlblog]

Experimentation (part 1)

Okay! So. First fanfic I’ve written in forever, please be gentle with me. I’ve written probably far too much because I don’t know when to stop 🥴 part 2 will be posted tonight where it gets…really smutty (I’m only using the photo because he’s hot there lmao)

Christian Cage and Fem!reader get back to their hotel room after a show and discuss her fantasies

Smut (more detail below on what that entails!), some cute moments (Is it still called fluff?)

Word count: 2044

Link to masterlist

Happy reading 🩷

Smut involves: mention of ass eating, cross dressing, masterbation

Finally, after a long stretch of weeks Christian had some time off. Two weeks to be exact. After a couple hours of socialising with his co-workers you both stumbled into your hotel room ready to hit the sheets and rest up.

“You know, I do love that I can do this again,” he started, dropping his bag onto the floor with a dull thud, “but I always forget how exhausting it is.” You gave him a sympathetic smile and offered your arms for him to enter into a cuddle.

“But it is worth it, right? To be able to go out there and perform in front of your fans again?” you questioned while he settled in your embrace.

“Of course it is, I wouldn’t trade this job for the world! But…”

He shook his head with a sigh and pressed his face into your neck. You knew how much he loved his job, helping the younger guys with their journey in the industry. Irregardless, you could see how taxing it was on his body. You did everything you could to help after matches: massages, foot rubs, you even helped him in the shower just so he didn’t have to worry about reaching around and twisting his body even more than he already did that night! But it still wasn’t enough to fully lift the pressure and the physical toll it took on his body. It always seemed there was a weight on his shoulders that wouldn’t budge.

“Listen, I’m going to take a shower while I’m still kind of awake, and then we can watch some TV before bed?” he pulled away from the embrace with a gentle kiss on your shoulder.

“Sure. I’ll put the heating on so it’s nice and warm here for when you finish in there!” you gave him a squeeze of the shoulder as he flashed a sweet yet tired looking smile and a nod before making his way to the bathroom.

He had been in there for about 5 minutes before you found yourself becoming a little bit restless. Lying on the bed you realised it had been at least around 3 weeks since you had had sex with each other. As soon as that realisation hit you, it was like someone had hit a switch. Images of him that night in the ring flashed in your mind. Seeing him in his ring gear always turned you on; something about seeing him in a tight turtleneck with no sleeves really got you going. Sure, you loved seeing his bare chest and the hair on his pecs but there was just something with seeing him clothed when he got tossed around the ring. It always sucked to see him pinned but you couldn’t help but get excited about seeing him lying there in a pathetic heap. Even more so when he was covered in sweat and/or blood. Maybe it was the idea of knowing there was something beautiful underneath the sweaty clothes that only you could see? Or maybe it was the fantasy of seeing him clothed during sex?

You both had experimented with each other since you had gotten together but there was something you had been wanting to try. And even as you thought about it at that moment, your hand found its way to your underwear waistband.

One of your experiments involved having sex while you wore clothes, more specifically a mini skirt and bralette top. He, of course, was nude but you had to wear that with no underwear or bra. It was exhilarating. Seeing your boyfriend dressed appropriately for the event, with nothing on, and yourself with the complete opposite. You both loved that he could slide his hand up your warm thighs, under your skirt and not have to bypass any underwear. Instead he could reach what he wanted immediately. The same applied to your shirt. There was nothing stopping him from caressing, squeezing, feeling your bare breasts under his hand.

But it wasn’t that situation that excited you right now. It was the fantasy, the idea that the roles were switched. That he was the one wearing the mini skirt and bralette, with nothing underneath. That he was the one submitting to your touch. You gasped, rather loudly as your fingers found their way under the cloth and to your clit. While you rubbed and pinched, your mind raced away. You imagined him laying with that pathetic and desperate look on his face while you ran your hands up his fluffy legs. Lifting them up and throwing them over your shoulders as you kissed around the area he needed you most. Hearing him call out your name quietly as your hands reached his ass, squeezing the cheeks, and spreading them slightly. Far away in your mind you could hear a very faint noise from the bathroom, like the shower being switched off. But you were too deep in your fantasy to stop touching yourself to the thought of him to care about being caught.

You imagined licking the precum off the tip of his dick while your fingers slowly drifted closer to his hole, just threatening to push their way into him. But what really excited you was the idea of moving your naughty lips down there. It was something he had admitted he wanted to try but when he told you that before, you weren’t sure about going that far just yet so he dropped the subject and it hadn’t come up since. Now? You were desperate for the idea of eating his ass until his orgasm. Maybe taking it one step further by involving toys at some point. You just needed to see him submit. To hear him whine and moan while you pleasured him in every way-

“What are you doing there?”

His voice shocked you out of your trance and froze your fingers in place. He stood at the foot of the bed, towel wrapped low on his waist, arms crossed, and an amused look on his face. You felt like a deer in the headlights as you looked up at the smirk on his face. You couldn’t even remove your hand from between your legs. It’s like you were paralysed at the knowledge you had been caught touching yourself without him there to witness it from start to finish.

“Well? Care to explain why I leave my shower to find my lovely girlfriend pleasuring herself without me?” he questioned, stepping to your side of the bed on the left. With a stammer, you tried your best to explain yourself.

“Y-You were in the shower, and I..and I jus-t couldn’t he-help it. It’s been so long since we’ve had s-sex and I couldn’t help but imagine you…”

“Imagine me…what? Touching you?” he purred. His hand reached down to your stomach, slowly sliding it down to where your hand still sat from before.

“Surprisingly no. Um…I wasn’t imagining that.”

He stopped. He raised an eyebrow at you and you could tell that his mind had gone to one of his worst fears: you were thinking of someone else. It was another thing he had admitted to you when you first got together. That he was insecure about a few things, and that not looking good enough or being good enough in bed was one of those things. He had a terrible fear that the only way someone could enjoy sex with him was if they thought of someone else. Noticing his thought process, you quickly reassured him. And divulged your fantasy.

“I... I have this thing I want to try with you.” You shut your eyes, almost in fear as you began to explain what you wanted. But what were you afraid of? He was very open minded and willing to try new things, especially in the bedroom. If it would turn you on he would perform to the best of his ability if it meant seeing you cum for him. And cum hard. But maybe it was the fear of him telling you it was too far and he was not willing to try it. Nor would he let anything convince him otherwise. He hummed a noise at you to signal you to carry on talking, and as you pressed on he sat himself down on the edge of the bed next to you. He could tell you were nervous about asking him so he wanted to ensure that the situation was as comfortable as it could be. He would hate for you to feel uncomfortable in telling him any and all fantasies.

“So you know how we experimented with me wearing clothes during sex? And you were naked?” He hummed again in acknowledgement. “Well…what if we reversed the roles?” He stayed silent, waiting for you to explain what you meant.

“I want to try having sex with you in clothes and me naked-”

“Babe, please tell me you weren’t nervous about asking me to try that with you!” he chuckled, oblivious to what you were about to tell him, “of course we can do that! If you want me to keep my clothes on and you go naked you can just ask-”

“No, not just that. In the same or similar clothes to what I wore that night. I want to have sex with you wearing a mini skirt and bralette, not me. Or maybe…lingerie?”

Christian had stopped chuckling. It obviously was a lot to take in at that moment. To be told by your partner that they wanted to see you in their clothes during an intimate experience. Especially considering you were the opposite sex.

“Okay? So…you want to have sex with me wearing your clothes? Just your clothes, no makeup or anything like that?” You opened your eyes to look up at him, expecting a look of confusion and disgust at the idea. But to your surprise, he had a very soft and calm expression. Maybe even some curiosity to the idea. You bit your lip and nodded nervously as you waited for him to respond.

He sat there processing what you had told him. There was no denying he was definitely interested in the idea, he would always try something once. But it was like there was more excitement than he expected as he imagined the situation. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to find the right words. But perhaps if you looked down at the towel, you would get his verdict. There was a very noticeable bulge under the towel as his cock became harder by the second. Imagining having sex with you in your clothes was more enticing than he thought and he wondered why you guys hadn’t tried it yet.

“Do we have them with us, and are they clean?” he asked, his voice a little higher than before. Your breath hitched as he looked down to you. He was into it. He wanted to help you fulfil your fantasy!

“Oh, um…I-I think so but I’m not sure if we cleaned them after we last used them. The top might be okay but the skirt…maybe not?”

He bit his lip, feeling a little disappointed. He was definitely interested in doing it with the bralette and skirt…but lingerie? He wasn’t sure. If it was what you definitely wanted then he’d put those feelings aside to please you.

“We don’t have to do that tonight if you don’t want to!” you reassured him, “I know you won’t want to wear dirty clothes, and lingerie might be too far for the first time.” Christian always did everything he could to make you happy when it came to sex and foreplay, but you didn’t want him to feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable. Yes, you really wanted to see him wearing that. But you weren’t going to push him. You could see on his face he really wasn’t sure on going that far too fast.

“Maybe we can try something else? Would you feel comfortable if I…if I were to, um…”

Once again, you found yourself becoming nervous about asking him to try something you guys had yet to even discuss. He raised his eyebrows at you and smiled, “sure baby, what’s that?”

“I want…I want to try…giving you a rimjob.”

[psihawaii]

hey, i saw you joined the mwm server. welcome to hell! (joking) (i've been here for 3 years)

i actually got into stw via mashup week all that time ago so i'd love to know what it's like coming through the other way, as it were. how's all the fun?

HI!! THATS CRAZY. THATS AWESOME

Stw technically got me into mwm Twice if u can believe it. First, through one of the scott week tracks getting recommended to me, i wanna say it was like 2022? I did nottttt know mashup week had lore or anything at this point i barely knew what a mashup tourney Was but it got me to start passively listening to it. And then when the juno + ace match up was happening i, at this point, realized there was lore i wasnt reading and, since i was briefly into tally hall again for a bit there, i thought it would be fun to start reading for the tally hall character.

Anyway i completely didn’t realize 1. Scott was still in the lore 2. Hes the host and also important (HE WON??) which yeah ruler n scott being involved with mashup week and also kinda being friends (or at the very least scott’s nice to them 👍) was the perfect storm to get me hooked.

BUT ANYWAY I DIGRESS IT HAS BEEN SO MUCH FUN. I likeeeeee the way scott’s written in the story posts he’s cute he’s endearing i need to. As they say. Throw him against a wall. I’ve gotten a bunch of ppl into mwm (AND THATS AWESOME TOO, like how scott n juno were for me i feel like there seems to be a character for every1 that is their Exact Hook to get them invested its been great 4 introducing ppl to it. I love them flabbergasted that tyler is there) and i love getting to bombard them with Scott The Woz Lore u guys don’t even know he had gay sex on christmas and then tried to erase all sex.

[bewitched-forest]

10 First Lines Fanfiction Tag Game!

Rules: Share the first line of the last ten fics you wrote and tag some people. :)

I got tagged by @gremlin-bot, the loveable little bugger. I adore my platonic spouse, however, so I will oblige! I’m doing the first lines of the entire fics, not just whatever the last chapter is, so I don’t have to worry about spoilers for y’all. ;)

1. How to Fowl a Bat (Artemis Fowl x DC) [Link Here ;)] Ft. Tim Drake x Artemis Fowl - The Batfamily gets mindwiped, Faerie style, and Artemis Fowl deals with the consequences.

Three hours.

2. Formula for a Crime Scene (DP x DC x Artemis Fowl) [Link Also Here] Ft. Polyamous Damian Wayne x Danny Fenton x Artemis Fowl - The trio of unlikely lovebirds are going to become the terrors of Gotham.

Damian stalks into the school, eyes polished into a glare sharp enough to cut diamonds.

This one is actually also co-written by @half-dead-ham, my other adorable platonic spouse! We cowrote the world, but we will be doing our own separate fics!

3. The Rebirth of Tim Drake (DP x DC) [LINK] Ft. Halfa!Tim Drake - Tim Drake dies in this one before the first chapter even ends!

Red Robin panted back and knees aching as he crawled through the ventilation.

4. Return of the Ancients (DP x DC) [Linkity Link] Ft. Cold Currents (Danny x Kaldur’ahm) - Kaldur gets kindly screwed over by ghost shit.

Danny stepped into the zeta tube, taking a deep breath.

5. Close Contact (DP x DC) [Zooom. Link!] Ft. Triple Trouble (Danny x Dick x Wally) - The Young Justice team are sick of these gay ass motherfuckers not dating.

“Rob! Phantom!” Wally shouted as he zoomed straight to his friends' sides, wrapping his arms around their shoulders.

6. Phantom Feathers (DP x DC) [AchOo! Link!] Ft. Dead Tired (Tim x Danny) - Ghosts have wings! Danny has wings! Yay!

“Hey Tim?” Danny asked.

7.  Danny & Billy: Brothers in Too Much Power The Rehash (DP x DC) [Shazam!] Ft. Danny and Billy are Brothers. - Exactly as it says. Danny and Billy are adopted, homeless brothers with way too much power for people who aren’t or are barely of legal age to drive.

When Billy ducked into one of his usual hideouts, he was not expecting pressure.

8. A Day in the Life of Two Dead Men (DP x DC) [Whoop!] Ft. DeadonMain (Jason x Danny) & Trans!Danny - Just two dead guys. Living their life.

The Red Hood skidded over to the edge of the building, looking over the edge where he heard a scream

9. Slap-A-Soulmate (DP x DC) [SmaCk!] Ft. Anger Management (Jazz x Jason), Tall!Jazz, and Soulmate AU - While Jason might not like the idea of getting slapped, at least the one done by the crazy redheaded psychiatrist led to his soulmate!

Red Hood was frustrated.

10. Ancient Deals (DP x DC) [Last one!] Ft. Dead Serious (Damian x Danny) - Ra’s Al Ghul made a deal in his immortal youth, and now its Danny and Damian’s fucking problem.

“Why am I here, Grandfather!”

Technically speaking, the first three fics are WIPs! In fact, I post new chapters to all three of them once a week! (Yes I’m aware that makes most writers look at me like I’m insane, the BatPham server goes crazy every time I mention it. Especially my spouses. XD) Fowl a Bat posts every Monday, Formula every Thursday (so theres actually a new chapter today ;3), and Rebirth every Saturday!

Now, I don’t have anyone I’d like to tag, mainly because both my platonic spouses have already done this, and I’m sure most of the BatPham discord writers have already been spammed by like 7 people. I encourage you all to join in if you want to however! It found this really fun seeing the different ways I’ve started a fic!

(Plus for those of us that don’t have fic lists, this actually works pretty well instead XD)

[applesap-fics]

FABril day 4 - Chores, part four

1, 2, 3, 4

T, 1859 words, Bruno/Agustín, Bruno & Mirabel.

Mirabel starts living with Bruno for a little while. She’s curious about why he left. Then she finds out a little more.

--

After Bruno sends his second letter that week, he feels like a tower crumbling.

The evening he tells Mirabel about the letters, he rummages through the messy archive in his drawer, exposing himself to lines he has never consciously written but which, reading them now, slice his heart like paper cuts. They’re really embarrassing. He can’t believe Mirabel read some of these. Little thoughts that go nowhere. Jokes that don’t make sense without context. And, in most cases, they are conversations Bruno would never have with the real Agustín. All of his fantasies, everything he couldn’t say in over ten years laid bare on white paper, and all Bruno can do is bleed over them.

The apartment fills up with unwanted thoughts of Agustín. He finds it becomes hard to listen to boleros because a lot of them are exactly Tino’s style. Doing chores with Mirabel reminds him of the time the guys and him used to keep Casita in tip-top shape together. When Mirabel practices playing the accordion — which she’s learned to play from her dad — she uses sheet music that he wrote down. Sitting chairs feel empty without having Agustín opposite him.

He keeps these feelings at bay by writing, hoping Tino will write back and it’ll be like before, and Bruno has an excuse to send more letters.

When he doesn’t write, he daydreams.

“So,” Mirabel says as she steps outside onto the balcony with him. “Papá was the prince.”

Bruno once planted ivy on the balcony, and it’d taken over the entire railing before Mirabel cut it into better shape. Now it hangs modestly and exposes the iron curvature of the art deco design. Bruno is leaning over the railing to smoke, arms lost in green. It’s not a habit he actively pursues, but sometimes his anxiety asks for it. And with Mirabel in the house throwing his life upside down, he requires little pockets of quiet.

“Oh, yeah. There’s no one like him.” He catches himself — that sounds too dreamy. He adds a sheepish, “Sorry, TMI.”

“No, that’s fine. I asked.”

Bruno puts his hand over his mouth to hold the cigarette in place, making him feel like the cool uncle. He turns to face Mirabel, his eyes perpetually tired. He lives on the fifth story, a little higher than the funny tower that was his bedroom in Casita. There he did the exact same thing: letting smoke drift out of his mouth as he contemplated heights and dramatics.

“You know,” he says, letting out a puff of smoke. “I fell alllll the way down once.” He gestures down where cars make noise and men with hats and ladies in coats dot the street. He’s always loved the view from above, distant and observing. “But your dad was there to catch me on his white mustang. I wouldn’t be alive without him.”

Mirabel shakes her head, smiling at his story. He chortles, and adds, “I wonder if he still has that thing…”

“Tío…” Mirabel says quietly. “Is it going to be difficult for you? With Papá there, I mean.”

He waves that off easily. “Nah. We all lived together, remember? I got used to it. It was kinda fun, actually. Hanging around all the time. Besides, it’s not all romance. It can’t be all romance. He’s my friend first. What you’re thinking about, those are just thoughts I have sometimes. Can’t help it! It’s nothing we need to break our brains over, because I’ve already accepted it.”

“If you say so…” She doesn’t look convinced.

“Hey.” He bumps her shoulder. “My life’s not so tragic. You know I like the telenovelas where not everyone ends up getting what they want. It makes us appreciate what we do have. Eeehhh, maybe I’ll pine a little…heh-heh. But it’ll be fine.” He shrugs.

Mirabel slides her hand under his arm and presses her shoulder against him. The touch grounds him, pulls him down from where he stands, high up and away.

--

Hey Nito,

It’s so nice to talk to you again. Just you and me like we used to, right?

I’ll say what’s been on my mind for a while: I was surprised to hear from Mirabel that you use a cane. Though, she made it sound like you use it as a prop to tell funny anecdotes with, which is very like you. I’m glad you’re still the same old Bruno out there. You never change, do you? I wish you had told us about your bad back. Or at least Julieta. Were you hosp I’m glad you’re doing okay. You’re never a burden. Like you always said to me: Tell me everything!

From what I hear from our Antonio, Camilo has been telling scary stories about you. I’m so sorry for that. I didn’t think he remembered you well enough to give an accurate description of you, but I guess that is still true since he’s let his little brother turn you into a magician. (speaking of, do you still have that robe?) Alma keeps your photograph in her room. I assumed Toñito must’ve drawn you from that, though Pepa’s pictures in her closet are just as likely. Whichever his little hands reach better, haha. I’ll pass your compliment on to both of them. I’m sure Camilo will appreciate hearing from you just as much. (He can’t stop asking questions about your job. I’ve compiled you a list.)

Don’t worry about my visit. I’ll be out of your hair very quickly if you want, although I’d really like to catch up with you. Since the city is Mirabel’s dance court now, it’d be nice to get a tour. I’m curious about what she’s been up to. And you too, for that matter.

So: tell me everything!

Love, your friend, Agustín

--

Responses, one after the other, flit through post offices.

--

It’s about two weeks later when Julieta rings Mirabel up for their bi-weekly calls, which is why Bruno doesn’t expect his niece to wave him over at the end of the conversation and hand him the phone.

He curls the handle against his ear. “Hi, Juli?”

“Bruno, hi. How are you doing?”

“Good,” he says warily, but happy to hear her voice. “I’m doing good.”

“That’s good,” Julieta echoes. Then she hesitates for a moment. “So… Agustín has been getting letters from you again.”

Bruno’s heart begins to drum steadily in his chest.

It’s not like their correspondence is a secret. Agustín’s secrets aren’t easily kept from his wife anyway, and they would not have planned for his visit had the family not known. But Julieta’s voice is tinged with suspicion, making Bruno feel light in his head and his chest constrict like he’s been caught doing something bad.

He stays dead silent on the line.

“They’re very sweet,” Julieta continues. “They remind me a little of the letters you used to send him.”

Before she noticed just how much Agustín meant to him too. Before he’d quietly let go of his feelings in favor of Julieta’s happiness, which is never much of a sacrifice.

“You know,” she says softly when he doesn’t answer. “I never disliked or resented you for liking him too.”

“But it’s not right,” he knows. He’s supposed to have let go.

“It’s not right to indulge. But you’re not…” You’re not acting on your feelings. At least, not in the way I notice. “You can’t help it.”

“No.” His finger plays with the coil of the phone cord. “I’ll stop, if you want.”

“Ay, I shouldn’t have brought it up. What I mean is, I think Agustín appreciates them.”

That makes it worse. Does she not see how that makes it worse?

He presses his forehead against his palm and unintentionally sighs too loud into the receiver. It’s an upsetting enough sound that she changes the subject. “Mirabel is doing great, I hear?”

“Oh, yeah. She’s fantastic.”

“That’s good to hear. I’m glad she’s having fun with you. I love you, Bruno. I think you’re doing a great job. I should’ve trusted you from the start.”

“Hey, thanks. But don’t get it twisted, okay? You were the one begging me, heh-heh.”

“I guess that’s true,” she says with an audible smile. “But I could’ve tried harder to convince you how great of an uncle you are. Thank god we have Tino–” She thinks better of it. “Ah. I should go.”

“Okay. Alright.”

“Take care, Bruno. Talk to you soon.”

“Juli–” he intercepts before she can hang up. “Could you… Could you not read the letters? They’re for Tino only.”

“Oh, I don’t read them. I only ask about them.”

“Yeah, could you– could you not ask him about them either?”

It’s quiet on the other line for a long time. Bruno thinks he’s confused or offended her. Then he hears a muffled sound. A scratch, like breathing in through a full nose, distorted by digital noise, and he realizes she’s crying.

There’s a high pitched, “Oh.”

Bruno’s heart constricts around the sound of her.

“Juli?” he tries. “Juli, why are you sad?”

There’s another sob.

Bruno has always found it difficult to be sad if he has nobody to share his hurt with. Their mother is like that, though often shows it through anger and discipline rather than sadness. Pepa is like a storm in every emotion, evidently hurt. But Julieta, who rarely cries out in the open, turns small.

“Because I miss you,” she manages to say.

“I miss you too,” he answers quickly. “I’m sorry. I’ll send you letters too, okay? Mirabel said: start small if you feel overwhelmed. So I didn’t think to– I’m sorry for only–”

She laughs wetly. “Nito, it’s okay.”

“I have enough letters,” he promises. “Mountains of them. I have enough to tell. Hell, I’ll even write Mamá.”

“Oh, she’ll do it first.”

Bruno’s ears perk up. “What?”

“Mirabel sent her a letter. You should’ve seen her — I think she broke something in Mamá. Expect something in the post at the end of the week. She’s still workshopping it.” Another sniffle, a wipe of her nose as she composes herself.

“What?” he says again, anxiously. He knows Mirabel followed in his footsteps and started writing home. (“This is so retro,” she’d said.) But he’s unable to believe anything can affect their mother in so much that she’ll write, call, or in any way be the first to initiate a conversation with Bruno. Not after the fight they’d had ten years ago. Although… No. Knowing Mirabel like he does now, of course she’s made that happen. Of course she’s going to make him talk to his mother.

He shakes his head in disbelief, although he can’t make ten years of shame and cowardice slide off of him that easily. “Okay. Okay, yeah. Then I’ll write one too. And send you guys even more.”

They make heartfelt promises and hang up with thick and pathetic goodbyes.

When he turns around, Mirabel watches him curiously, tears shooting in her eyes as she’s no doubt been eavesdropping on him. He glares at her and mumbles without ire, “Oh, you know what you did.”

[residentdormouse]

End of Year Wrap Up

Tagged by: @late-to-the-fandom - Thank you for including me!!

Total number of completed works: I completed ‘Something like a Spiral’ earlier in the year. I have a 512 drabble that isn’t getting anything more, so if that counts - 2. But the drabble feels cheap to include.

Total number of WIPs worked on this year: Well, Spiral was a work in progress when I was writing it? Otherwise its ‘Just Keep Diving Down’ only. My brain couldn’t handle jumping all about in different works and fandoms - kudos to all you who can!

WIPs neglected this year: Not really any since I’m pretty much working on one at a time.

Fandoms I've written in: The Stand (2020), and Stranger Things if that counts.

Total word count: My count is at 274,000, but I’m not sure how much of that was from Nov/Dec last year.

Looking back, did you write more than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you expected? I really didn’t have any idea what to expect. @impuretale suggested I try writing since the fandom is pretty small. Turns out I like it? (Eternally thankful for you!!)

Did you take any writing risks this year? I’m jumping from heavily leaning into canon, to absolutely nothing with canon except the characters, who I’ve been working at changing. Its hard to say if I’m doing it well, or if other people that know the story are like - damn, she’s still going. I hope for the first.

Do you have any goals for the new year? I want to finish ‘Just Keep Diving Down’, but seeing as it only has two more chapters left, that doesn’t feel like a real substantial goal. I guess I would like to figure out what I want to write next.

Biggest disappointment? Not finishing by the new year. I had originally figured mid December would be the end date on my once a week chapter update schedule, but section 3 has been taking about 2 weeks for each chapter.

Biggest surprise? @anths-girl being my biggest cheerleader, and a great friend. I only knew her after she left a comment on ‘Spiral’. I was about to stop writing, and she not only kept me going, but helped me keep on track to make ‘Diving’.

Most popular story of the year? ‘Just Keep Diving Down.’ It’s almost broken 500 hits. Although 3 more and ‘Spiral’ hits 420, which makes me giggle.

What's your own favorite story of the year? I’m going to assume that means of mine, because if its somebody else's, I have way too many talented friends to pick one, and I barely dented my reading list. I guess, ‘Spiral’ still has my super comfort chapters in it, but ‘Diving’ has made me an emotional mess sometimes. I dunno...

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: ‘Diving’ looks good on stats, and hits are higher, but @anths-girl is the only one really giving me any feedback, so I have no idea if anybody else is about it or not. (also, thank you anth’s for being the best cheerleader I could ever hope to have!!)

Most fun story to write: They were both fun. Its kind of hard to choose since it feels like one big story to me.

Most unintentionally telling story: Hayden is a thinly veiled OC insert to canon, so much of her personality. But I’ve put a lot of myself into my main three OC’s (Hayden/Steph/Max) in that order.

My favorite part of fandom this year: I second Late’s answer -:Meeting some really great people! You guys have gotten me through some bad times, whether you realize it or not. The support and love in this community is amazing.

No Pressure Tagging: @impuretale @asirensrage, @chickensarentcheap, @wordspin-shares, @starryeyes2000, and open tag for anybody who would like to do this. Consider yourself tagged, and please ‘@’ me.

[sportsminorityreport]

What I suspect is going wrong with Pac negotiations and what 2 additional schools could get a deal done.

I’ve written several articles suggesting teams that the PAC should have added over the years. I’ve written articles about how they could have secured their ultimate target, The University of Texas, in the past.  I’ve written articles more recently about the need to add Texas Christian, Texas Tech, and others before the PAC leadership let that window close as well.

Those were easy expansion plans.  Simple, straightforward paths to the goal.  Texas Tech alone would have been anywhere from the PAC’s best to fourth strongest media asset upon entering the league.  That might sound crazy to say, but the gap between Oregon, Washington, Cal and Texas Tech is not that large.

Those paths are gone now and the PAC is still at risk for not having expanded.

It is frustrating writing recommendations for collectives made of university leaders who really are far more interested in running their own universities and who frankly barely understand how paying attention to minutia of college sports can be wildly profitable.

It has taken me 3 weeks to write this thing, but we are going to try again.  Plan X we will call it.

Plan x

What is going wrong with PAC 12 negotiations.

Obviously, I am not personally involved in Pac 12 negotiations, but like a lot of folks, I have evaluated, sold, and marketed stuff for most of my life.  

With that perspective, reading the reports and listening to discussion on the negotiations, I can reach some conclusions. They are just my conclusions.

The PAC leadership appears to have misjudged...well.. just about everything in this negotiation.  They thought by being the only power conference to approach the streaming companies that they would be given a fair --- if not generous ---offer on their content. 

After all, if they put the PAC games on a streaming platform, viewership WILL decline.  Old people will not be able to figure it out.  The PAC thought the streaming companies would acknowledge that sacrifice.

Nope.

They thought ESPN and the streaming companies would make a fine offer to the Pac12 (minus 2) for their fine content and then the Pac could just roll in San Diego State after the fact and get a slight bump to pay the Aztecs' their equal share.

(This is probably something the individual school presidents insisted on so they could potentially walk away from further expansion if they were paid well enough.)

Nope.

Then they thought, "maybe if we add another school to bring access to the #5 designated media market in the country! " But they missed their opportunity with TCU and publicly targeted Southern Methodist University - a university with a fanbase that would likely evaluate to being 1/2 to 1/4 the size of TCU’s today.  SMU  really doesn’t appear to have any claim to being a Power 5 conference level candidate today. 

SMU hasn’t run away with their conference in football consistently and basketball has collapsed back into mediocrity since Larry Brown left. 

They don’t pull big crowds to either revenue sports.  They are pretty forgettable at the sub-power conference level. 

But the Pac thought, “With these guys in, negotiations will get it done now...!"

Nope.

It seems that there are just not enough entities involved in the negotiations for every key potential Network partner --- Amazon, Apple, and ESPN --- to feel that they have to bring more than their lowest offer to the table.

To me that immediately tells me that the PAC’s potential partners are in essence not negotiating in good faith. 

To be clear, they view The PAC as an asset to be used, not a partner.

They would rather keep the PAC-12 - 2 at a very broken 10 members ....because it is cheap that way.

Simply put, they would rather Pay 10 annoyed schools stuck in a dysfunctional bleeding out conference 22 million per year than pay 14 moderately content schools (in a conference that would make a ton more sense in 4 years) 25 million per team per year.

They are not looking at this as an investment in a future partner. They are looking at this as a short-term shortcut to what they want. 

If they have had any thoughts about the next Media deal, which they probably have not, the idea is probably that they'll just sign whoever's available.

The Pac-12 would certainly be a lot stronger with 14+ members in key locations. It would make the PAC-14 far more able to compete on the field and in terms of media deals, but it boils down to your network partners would have to pay more money for 4 more teams.

It is pretty clear that with the economy not in recession per se, but slowed, the partners are keeping a tight grip of their cash. 

 Whether it's actual bad faith where they're trying to wipe their ass with the pac-12 - 2 or they're just not thinking about how important this is for their future partner doesn't really matter.

The PAC likely isn't going to get a deal that their members want and it's going to very much cloud expansion and probably limit, if not totally stop it.

The PAC has to change this reality. Immediately.

So what's my two cents? 

Take a break from negotiations.

Advise your negotiators that you're going to take a couple of weeks off and re-consult with your conference members. 

Mothball negotiations for two weeks. 

Record their current positions on what they would offer and for what content. Try and break it down by game if they'll give you that kind of breakdown. They might not. That's fine.

Then go back and ram through expansion. Just tell everyone that your membership insisted on it and that you're going to go back to negotiations in a couple of weeks.

Who should be in?

San Diego State is a given. (I would STRONGLY advise pushing to rebrand the University as THE California State University implying it is the CAL State Flagship University as that would make the San Diego university seem like the natural rival of the University of California --- North vs. South; A duel of flagships University vs. State University--- much better for in state and out of conference ratings.)

SMU is a school that you pretty much promised will be in, and you can live with that because SMU will be good in at least football in a few years (and if you tell them have to be good in basketball too, they might spend the money to dig up another Larry Brown. SMU boosters will spend money chasing wins.)

In a recent article I explained how optimal PAC expansion would also include Rice and Tulane ... Two schools that just like SMU are very much not deserving of PAC membership today, but solve some of the biggest problems that gut the PAC -- No central timezone games, few large markets, no recruiting, no academically appropriate expansion candidates.

Tulane could easily become one of the stronger schools in the inland division as joining the PAC would unquestionably elevate them to being the consistent #2 brand in Louisiana/Southern Mississippi area, ahead of schools like Louisiana, Louisiana Tech, ULM, Southern Miss, UAB, and others.  That would push a lot more football talent from the region onto the Tulane roster.

Rice is in a football and basketball talent hotbed.  The right hire could have them being an annual bowl team in football, and it isn’t hard to imagine Rice evolving into a poor man’s Duke in basketball...Maybe a Wake Forrest-level program.

But all three central schools are not strong power conference candidates today.

Now.... if The  PAC just adds those four schools and then comes back to their negotiations, their network partners will be pissed.

San Diego State is defensible as a developed asset in both revenue sports in a top 35 Designated Media Market, but the other three schools would amount to the Pac asking their Network partners to pay $22 million x 3, $66M per year, for content that today is only collectively maybe worth $15 million annually. 

 It will piss them off.

2 more for 16

So I'm going to counter intuitively say you should add two MORE schools from the ranks of the unwashed to specifically address this problem. And the two schools I would suggest would be the University of Hawaii and the University of New Mexico.

Why those two schools?  First, because both would excel in the PAC and help the conference in the all-important revenue sports. 

Both schools are state flagships that do a lot of research, which is important to the academic spine of the PAC. 

If you make it a condition that they tighten up their admission standards to limit the amount of borderline students that they admit, the academic reputations of both schools as interpreted by things like the US news reports would rise dramatically overnight.

Will it be to PAC standards?  No, not right away, but by following the academic development strategy of the Arizona schools and actively targeting top academic students in richer states like Texas and California, UNM can further improve their national reputation.  UH can do the same in Asia and the Pacific. 

In very real terms, both schools are exactly where the University of Arizona was in the late sixties. Both schools have very similar potentials, much of which athletically would be immediately met with the greater revenue that would come with PAC membership.

I would tell the Hawaii state legislature that “if you build UH a PAC level 50,000 seat stadium with good sightlines and chaired seating, UH is in.”   They would comply. They have already committed to building a 35,000 seat replacement for Aloha stadium.

With that asset, I think Hawaii would emerge as a football power in short order because with Hawaii in the PAC, Hawaiians and Samoans would largely rather go to the University of Hawaii than any of the PAC schools.  

Now that's a pretty brutal thing for Utah and Oregon, your current Blue Chip schools, as well as BYU,  USC, and UCLA because that's where the talent is going to come from, but Utah and Oregon can pull replacement talent from SoCal and the central time zone and ...well...screw BYU, USC, and UCLA. 

Hawaiians are liberal like most of the other PAC schools and adore the PAC so the cultural fit could not be better. 

I think Hawaii could become a consistent nine win PAC football team drawing 45,000 to 50,000 per game and challenging Washington, Oregon, and occasionally Stanford for the Pacific North Division title. And the Rainbow Warriors and Rainbow Wahines are, like the Aztecs, unique and potentially very sellable media brands.

New Mexico would likely do better overall in the PAC in football, especially out of conference.  It is not a stretch to imagine UNM with PAC recruiting dominating their old rivals NMSU and UTEP as well as sensible newly valued opponents like UTSA, UNT, and Texas State in OOC play and then capturing 3 in conference wins to be bowl eligible on a fairly regular basis.

But the story at UNM would be basketball. New Mexico would likely become the second or third best basketball program in the conference with a sudden influx of PAC driven TV money.

When you are talking about UNM basketball, you are talking about their arena, “The Pit”.  

It would immediately become the best place to watch a basketball game in the PAC with it’s large crowds and atmosphere. The Pit has averaged over 15,000 per game since it opened in 1966.  

And those numbers would be even higher if the Pit capacity wasn’t reduced a few years back for more premium booths.

It is a basketball mecca.  There is nothing like that in today’s PAC.  

The Lobos don’t have national titles like Kansas because their athletic department has always operated on a shoestring budget, but they are consistent NCAA tournament teams mostly because they have such an overwhelming homecourt advantage, winning 80% of their games at the Pit. They have made 14 NCAA Tournament appearances and 19 NIT appearances. 

To do that with zero ability to retain successful coaches, shows the value of the UNM fans and arena to the win and loss totals.

And there is every reason to assume they will only be better in the PAC with more money to pay their head coach and assistants and better recruiting.

In other words, like SDSU, they bring some desperately needed credibility in basketball circles.

But that's not why those two schools are important.

It’s the media opportunities they potentially create and the media partners they could potentially bring to the negotiation table.

Hawaii is the key asset to unlocking Asia's markets. This is wildly important in PAC University terms. This is a lot like when the Big Ten added Maryland and Rutgers. Neither one of those schools were schools to write home about athletically, but those two states were the states that produced a large chunk of Big Ten out of state students.

The PAC gets a lot of students out of Asia these days. Capturing U of H Athletics gives the pac a unique asset to pushing their media into Asia. It gives them the ability to sell more merchandise in Asia, Australia and New Zealand and hopefully to steer their better students to PAC universities.

UH is also a media asset in that it has games in that midnight kick off window that the ESPN really likes.

Adding UNM, along with schools in Dallas and Houston, gives the PAC total control over the Hispanic Southwest opening the door to broadcasting over Univision or Telemundo. Which leads to my next point.

Invite more Media partners to the negotiation and change up how your media is processed.

The PAC needs to actively pursue relationships with more linear networks.

Fox not having an interest in any PAC content appears to have killed the PAC negotiation plan.  There is simply a glut of content for the needs of the PAC’s suitors. That works against today’s PAC12-2 and certainly works against desperately needed expansion.

The PAC has a perfect opportunity to manage this in the form of Arizona's president. He publicly stated that the PAC needs to have over 50% of their content on linear TV.  The Big 12 will have 70% of their over linear TV. 

Use that with your network partners. 

Explain to them that Arizona is the most likely school to leave and that in the interest of peace and conference stability, that the member schools agreed upon a larger expansion so that more games could be sold to linear TV without gouging the quality historic PAC content that Amazon and Apple are bidding on.

The plain fact of the matter is that ESPN is only so interested in PAC content as it stands today. They already have access to Hawaii home games if they want at a wildly discounted rate as long as the PAC does not expand and take in UH.

Now to my way of thinking, that should make UH a frontrunner in PAC expansion because you know that that adding them pushes ESPN to the table to deal with you.

In expansion it is never your past position on a school, it is what you need at this exact moment.  The PAC needs someone to push at least one of their potential media partners to be more than blase’ about acquiring the PAC rights.

ESPN is rumored to have offered the PAC 12-2 $31M per school at one point in this negotiation presumably for all their content.  Could adding Hawaii get ESPN back into that headspace to make a larger bid for more content?  Could it get ESPN to talk about earlier timeslots on their preferred channels? 

If ESPN loses Hawaii to the PAC and then the PAC somehow doesn't sign a deal with ESPN because ESPN is being cheap, ESPN loses most of their viewership in their two late night windows as they have nothing that interests the Western 2/3s of the country... 1/4 of the US's population.

Adding UH pushes ESPN to the table and that's important.

Without Fox and with ESPN barely interested in the PAC, the PAC pinned all of its hopes on Amazon and Apple buying all of the rest of the content at a premium. That clearly has not been the case.

Likewise adding New Mexico makes the expanded PAC content a perfect product for Hispanic language TV.  The Lobos and Aztecs brands are perfect for cultivating Hispanic viewers.  Having UNM, SDSU, Arizona, ASU. Utah, Colorado, SMU and Rice gives a lot of content that is sellable on an Hispanic Network.  Maybe a football game or two a week live with it also streaming in English on Amazon or Apple.  

Basketball with it’s cheap production costs would seem a perfect sport for this strategy along with other historic non-revenue sports.  Maybe you keep the price low to get them to do football and basketball, but they get PAC soccer for free and baseball cheap.  Give them sports Hispanic men love.

So what you're going to do is you're going to open it up to more linear providers. You're going to tell Apple and Amazon that you absolutely want to sell them content, but that maybe the lower portion of your tier 1 content really wasn't appealing to them financially enough for your members’ tastes and the other sports were not needle movers for them, so you’ve brought in more partners to absorb those low interest games.

Sure Amazon wants Washington vs. Oregon or even Oregon vs Oregon State, but were they really excited about Oregon State vs. Colorado? (At least prior to Deion Sanders...) And you know Rice at Washington State isn’t really appealing to them.  And do they have any interest in sports like soccer or baseball or even most basketball games?

You want to pull in the CW, ION, Telemundo or Univision, and Netflix.

Now I think ESPN will take the change as it occurs. They are used to expansion. I think Apple might be very willing to listen, but Amazon is going to be pissed.

There is a piece there that I see that I think PAC fans need to understand. There is a general feeling among many that the reason that the Big Ten did not expand more is because the member schools did not trust their previous commissioner.

The Big Ten does not have a commissioner right now. (Update:  That’s not right.  The Big Ten Hired Tony Petiti on April 12th while I was working on these articles.)

Amazon very much may be looking at the landscape and saying that they're not really committed to the PAC.

There is a very real scenario where Amazon strings out negotiations until the Big Ten puts a new commissioner in place and then Amazon goes to the Big Ten and says bring in Washington and Oregon and will pay you x amount of money that we were talking about paying the PAC.

In a very real sense Amazon buying PAC content may be Amazon's backup plan. 

The only reason they may be pursuing it right now is because right now the Big Ten basement dwellers are rumored to prefer having their content on linear TV than on streaming services. 

But Amazon’s leadership may view it as the Big Ten as only temporarily closed to Oregon and Washington.

Getting more providers involved specifically puts pressure on Amazon to get a deal done or risk whiffing on everything. It forces them to get on the train with everyone else. 

Realignment reporter Dennis Dodd spoke with Media Consultant John Williams about other options available to the PAC in a great article.  Williams recommended the PAC approach the CW and ION about putting games on their networks. That recommendation has spurred the PAC to talk with the CW.

If the CW wants to have Oregon as their featured game of the week every week, Amazon is no longer driving the car for tier one rights.

That is very, very good. You don't want to shut the door on Amazon, but it has always hit me as a bad idea to have content exclusively on Amazon. With a number providers involved you can get the providers working together and potentially limit the costs for companies like Amazon and Apple on the front end.

The idea of buying a ton of PAC content for a streaming provider is that you get all PAC fans to buy into streaming broadcasts. But the streaming providers need to pay a premium if they want that exclusivity and it appears they just aren’t willing to pay for that ownership position yet. 

What makes a lot of sense to me is having all of your games accessible via Amazon and Apple. Put them on linear TV, but also let people stream the games on Amazon and Apple or watch them 2 days later later from their home on Netflix.

That gives apple and Amazon the chance to stream the games live for West Coast viewers who are out away from their TVs mountain climbing or surfing or whatever. 

 It gives Amazon and Apple a second chance with an exclusive window to stream the game media file over the next two days. At that point Amazon and Apple should be ready to go on to their next content. 

So the game is then transmitted to the servers at Netflix.

The traditional cable model has been that a provider buys the game and that they own the content and that game generally will never see the light of day after it's broadcast.

This is the advantage to going second in a negotiation. There is very little value in a game for ESPN after it's been played. Oh sure a great game might be end up on ESPN classic and fill a few hours of content. But an average game between two average teams? Not so much.

Use the streaming providers and Netflix to capture additional value.  Recast the traditional media sale model.

Forbes’s Jim Williams wrote a strategy piece like this one that was interesting, but to my view a little to sold on the power of Amazon.  But one piece I loved was the Idea of Amazon taking over the Pac Network production capacities. What if the streaming partners were more intertwined with the linear partners?

The single broadcast model is value that is lost for everyone. Give Apple and Amazon a chance to mine that. Then put that game on Netflix 2 days after the game and suddenly you got something that is relatively cheap for Netflix to acquire and Netflix pays based on viewership. Questions of visibility are immediately answered.

The PAC as the first college football provider on Netflix can reach some deals on exclusivity. Let's say the PAC deal with Netflix is super favorable financially to Netflix but the trade-off is that they can only put let's say 10 games each from every other conference on Netflix, where the PAC might have every game or at least every game that ESPN didn't buy.

College football fans in other regions will queue up a game on Tuesday that they slept through on Saturday. 

Plus that would be a wonderful lever to destroy solidarity in a conference like the SEC when everyone realizes what a great idea it is to have your game stored on Netflix. You can see UT wanting every one of their games on Netflix, and Alabama and LSU absolutely pitching a fit over it.

Let's talk about linear TV.

Telemundo or Univision

Telemundo would probably be super excited about putting a game of the week on every Saturday featuring a SW School. To my thinking you give them something like this:

That is awesome because UNM is not a desirable football media product to ESPN at this point. Additionally given New Mexico’s demographics --- almost half of the state is Hispanic and almost 1/3 speak Spanish --- they make the most sense to do the heavy lifting in PAC’s Hispanic sports outreach to new fans.

If you simulcast that stuff with Apple and Amazon English broadcasts, English speaking fans of UNM and the other schools in that southwestern footprint can see the game live and hear it in English even if they're watching the Telemundo broadcast... which is going to make Telemundo happy because their commercials are going to appear on the TV.

The Cal State games vs. the Arizona schools would probably need a little extra exposure. It might make sense in terms of keeping the Arizona schools happy to also show that game on the CW or another network in English.  Both schools are very reliant on California recruiting so having the game dual broadcast on English and Spanish networks in LA and Arizona and the rest of the southwest would probably please them.

There are tons of Spanish speakers in that Southwest corridor who are going to be very happy watching college football in Spanish on Telemundo. In addition you're going to hit Spanish speakers all over the US which will make your brands much more popular nationally. The money is not so much of an issue. In terms of exposure you can't beat this.

ESPN

If you add Hawaii ESPN is going to come back to the table and offer you more money.

ESPN in the last deal offered a fair amount of 7:30 Pacific starts. Those game were largely games where 76% of the country fell asleep by halftime.

If the PAC adds Hawaii, ESPN is immediately worried about their midnight eastern slot.  Given that ESPN is low balling the PAC, it is entirely possible that ESPN could get sniped and miss all power conference content in the pacific and mountain timezones as well as their Hawaii home games in the midnight window.

I’d champion offering ESPN a power 5 game every week in the midnight eastern slot.  

The tradeoff is that I want a true PAC doubleheader on ESPN, meaning the slot for my other game is not starting at 7:30 Pacific, it is 5 PM Pacific/6 Mountain/7 Central.  It is the slot the PAC had through FOX. 

Starting a single game late every year if you're in the Pacific time zone should be a tolerable deal, especially if it gets your better games actually seen by 100% of the country on ESPN.

This will work for ESPN.  ESPN already knows from experience that they're going to get good enough ratings from the Hawaii games in the midnight time zone slot.

Making UH a power 5 team just makes those games more appealing.  Making most of the games in conference games with a Pac fanbase tuning in, plus PAC fans who are ok with a later game, could quadruple ESPN’s viewership in that window.

The CW

The CW would love to have sports on it. Older viewers like sports. The CW had been geared towards the young, but now would like to have viewers with some money.  Football is great for that.  The CW is in 100% of all media markets.

The CW likely doesn’t have much money, but that is OK in a market where every provider with money is offering pennies on the dollar.  The PAC might be the only power conference where a relationship makes sense.

The CW can get a PAC doubleheader on at 1 PM Pacific/4 PM eastern and 5PM Pacific/8 PM eastern.

Or if that later game is a problem with ESPN, maybe just have a Saturday 1 PM Pacific game and maybe put a game on Sunday.

You've got basically a bunch of content (SMU, Rice, Tulane, Oregon State, Washington State) that ESPN doesn't believe in and isn't necessarily as easy to sell for a channel like Telemundo.

But what is interesting about that content is that with expansion it's going to be the games between schools that don't have any historical rivalries. Oregon versus SMU. Rice versus CAL. What do those games have in common? They are games that appeal to fan bases in two different areas of the country.

What if you took those games that were played in the Mountain or Central time zones and played one of them a week on Sunday with a kickoff at 9:00 AM Mountain or (Ideally) 10:00 AM Central (aka 11 am Eastern)?

This game would be the only live football game on TV from 11:00 Eastern to 1:00 p.m. Eastern. So in other words this football game would be competing against NFL pregame shows in every market. 

People are going to tune in for that in higher numbers than you think.

You will get those PAC audiences and a fair amount of other PAC fans. 

You will get college football junkies who don't have to watch their own conference in that window so they can enjoy someone else playing. 

You're going to get NFL fans who would rather watch a live game then watch a pregame show. 

And a surprisingly high number of those people after watching the first 2/3 of the game will prefer to finish off the game before switching over to the NFL in the second quarter.

I know the most radical of NFL fans do not accept this, but NFL fans are fair-weather fans. I will watch my Dallas Cowboys, but I would rather watch random college football game then the Eagles or the Redskins play a game. And that is the inherent vulnerability of the NFL.

The NFL in general has made the decision to keep their games on Sunday so that they're not competing head to head with big time college football. This allows the NFL to perpetuate a view that people watch their game because the talent is better and as so to not appear predatory.

Having a single pac game on Sundays is not going to bother the NFL much. And let's be clear the ratings are not going to be fantastic for the college game, but they don't have to be. They just have to be good enough that the TV partner gets good exposure out of it and makes money.

Now the other provider is really interesting too.

ION

ION is in 37 of the top 50 markets and most/all of the PAC footprint. It is accessible to 60.63% of US viewers. Given that limitation, it sort of makes sense to pair them up with Amazon and or Apple so if you're in an area that doesn't really have ION you can still watch the game live on your phone or computer or streamed onto your TV.

They might be an appropriate partner for some PAC content.  It has broadcast CUSA football games in the past.    A “weaker” Pac game --- Oregon State vs. Tulane --- might really do well on a network like that where the content could appeal in the central and the pacific timezones.

That is a perfect execution of your media assets.

Everyone wins from that scenario. Amazon and Apple are not paying huge amounts of money up front before they've developed the subscriber base to support it.

The PAC which is constantly competing with beautiful mountains and rolling beaches and fresh air in ways that none of the other power conferences have to deal with, can have all of their games accessible via a streaming provider like Amazon or Apple or after the fact on Netflix.

But wait what about all the financial implications.

Honestly I feel like with everyone contributing the money that they likely would contribute there's not going to be a huge difference between the total money that the PAC is irrevocably going to be offered now. If it's 22 million a year for the established PAC brands and less for the expansion teams... whatever.

Both groups of schools can live with that for 4 years.

Transitional members make less for now...

The plain reality is that with the exception of San Diego State none of the schools we are mentioning deserve (based upon their level of production in the two revenue sports over the last 10 years) to be even mentioned in a power conference.

I know the PAC is all about equally sharing money, but the reality is the tidal wave of realignment that UT's move created just doesn't allow that in this media deal.

The legacy PAC schools should get their depressing payouts of say 22 to optimistically 31 million per year.

The other payouts for the rest of the new expanded content that isn’t desired by ESPN is going to be small.  But that’s OK.

SDSU and UNM are only making $4M each in the MWC. UH makes $3.1M.  SMU and Tulane make 7M and Rice makes 2M annually in the AAC. 

What that means is you really only have to cobble together an added $42M a year --- enough to pay every new school 7M a year --- from your Spanish broadcast partner, CW, ION, and Netflix for their content and everyone should be relatively happy riding out this deal until the next more lucrative one. 

Going back to our earlier point about the Big Ten, the more linear outlets that you get involved with the PAC, the more people you have who want to get the deal done soon and keep the Big Ten from changing their minds and poaching more PAC schools.

If you think about it, just putting SMU, Rice, Hawaii, New Mexico and Tulane into a power conference immediately guarantees that the level of excitement and viewership is going to be substantially higher.... therefore the payouts will be higher. In the grand scheme of things if these schools on average are making $4.5 million in their current conference and all of their games are going to get broadcast in some way shape or form in the PAC, The reality is they're going to get a raise. It is likely not going to be raised to $22 million or whatever the legacy PAC schools get, but it will be in excess of what they were getting...so don’t sweat it and invite them already.

I would set this media deal to run for 4 years ideally  so that the media contract is up before the other conferences . With this many media companies in place, the next PAC TV contract will be much stronger.

In 4 years SMU, Rice, and Tulane will be established as mediocre power conference schools. UNM, UH, and SDSU will have their niches where they succeed.  

The PAC brand will be better established throughout that Southern central time zone. 

The PAC will be recruiting better and USC and UCLA might be jet lagged and losing games they should be winning.  That may have them rethinking their move.  This is the kind of home that might appeal to them again.

Even if the LA schools don’t return at that point, ESPN will have earlier TV slots at that point that they will probably want to include the PAC likely in place of Mountain West Conference , American Conference or Big 12 Conference content.

Life will be better, but only if you build your foundation now.

[visionofhope04]

Hii I was lowkey wondering if you would do something maybe like a one shot of neglected where reader is older (18-20) and dipped out of the house and became a singer and one of her songs basically exposed them for how they treated reader and in like an interview she full on tells them how she doesn’t even talk to them and like only Jason

This is literally perfect. I love this idea! I was planning on making a singer batsis reader anyway so here you go! I'll be making this part 4 of the series instead of a one shot. There’s a bit of angst. Btw, thanks so much for your support everyone! I'm glad you enjoy this series! Feel free to request anything you'd like besides smut as well!

This is the longest thing I have ever written so there will be a part 5. I planned on this being the last part but it's just so much. It’s not proofread and neither are all of the other parts because I post at 1 am most of the time lol. Hope you like it!

f/n = friend name

Y/G/N = your group name

N/S = news station

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 (Current) Part 5

---

You were sick of it. Sick of how even after confronting them about how you felt and almost dying because of it, they still neglected you. You couldn't wait to move out at the age of 18, even if it proved to be a struggle. You had taken mini jobs since you turned 15 and saved up since then. You just couldn't see them anymore as it would remind you of how they treated you that day at that hospital. None of them apologized either. They just pretended it never happened and continued to ignore you. The media had a field day with speculation of what had happened but eventually stopped because Bruce had claimed it was “just a bad case of the flu” which they believed.

Jason was always the only one that would talk to you. He was the only one that actually cared enough to make sure you were taking proper care of yourself and that you wouldn't have a repeat of what happened. He took you places, spent time with you and gave you advice. You even had a tradition where you'd always meet up at the manor's library every week at the same time that same day every week and just have a mini book club together. He always made time for you and never bailed on you.

So on your 18th birthday, he helped you move out. You managed to rent a small apartment in Star City with the money you had saved up. It wasn’t that close to the manor which was a good thing. The neighborhood wasn’t good but it wasn’t as bad as Gotham’s neighborhoods so you would be fine. You could handle yourself with your assassin training if needed. You also managed to get hired at a cafe which was about a five minutes walking distance from your apartment.

It had taken a while but eventually, you had packed all of your belongings into color coded containers and moved them into Jason’s car with his help. You didn’t say goodbye to anyone as you had no friends to say bye to and you knew that your so called “family” couldn’t care less about what you did with your life. ‘This is it, hopefully the last time I’ll ever be near this place.’ You thought. You didn’t plan on stepping foot in Gotham ever again after you left. It would bring back too many memories you prefer to keep buried away deep inside your mind.

The car ride to Star City was entertaining. You and Jason conversed the whole time, telling jokes and listening to his funny tales with the radio playing softly in the background. Eventually, a song you both loved came on and you both started yell-singing along to the lyrics. You wished those moments could be permanent. You were both so carefree and nothing else mattered besides having fun and enjoying yourselves.

You now stood in the doorway of your new apartment, admiring your new home. Jason and yourself had just finished unpacking all of your belongings. You really liked how it looked and thought you both did an amazing job at designing the place perfectly according to your style. Jason, unfortunately, had to leave in order to avoid raising suspicions. Once you both said your byes, he left you to your apartment.

Jason drove back home in silence. He hated to admit it but he would miss you dearly. You were always there for him and helped him with anything. You tried your best to always comfort him and make him feel better on his darkest days and it would always work. Somehow you seemed to always have the right words to say or knew exactly what to do to help him. Out of everyone he was closest to you. He assumed it was because he could relate to you the most. More so how you felt. He’d felt like the black sheep of the family before you came, and he was. When you came, you took that role from him. It pained him to see how much their insults would affect you, even if you were good at hiding it. He could just tell.

Jason made it back to the manor after a while and went straight to the library. He didn't want to deal with the others. After the whole hospital situation, he'd never really bother interacting with them. He hated how they treated you as if you didn’t exist and hated how much pain they had caused you and that they didn’t even care. He guessed that they'd probably be doing something for Damian's birthday and forgot that you were his twin. They probably couldn’t even remember that Damian had a twin.

He made it to the library and pulled out one of his favorite books. He’d read it so many times you’d often joke that he could probably recite the whole book by heart at this point. Sitting down in a chair, he started to read. However, he couldn’t bring himself to stop thinking about what it would’ve been like if they treated you how they did Damian. The both of you were Bruce’s real children. You both even looked like clones of him! At first, Jason thought you would’ve been the favorite twin due to your personality. Even though you were twins, your personalities were polar opposites. You even refused to kill! You were trained by the League so why didn’t you kill as Damian did?

Jason knew you would benefit them greatly if you joined. You had self control, didn’t kill, could act perfectly, lie perfectly, do well under pressure, and not to mention your skills. Being raised by the League may have been torture, but you managed to gain incredible skills out of it. You could take on at least ten guys who doubled you in size and beat them within five minutes. You even bested Damian in spars and he was supposedly dubbed the “better twin” by Talia, so why hadn’t they let you join their nightly crusades like they had let Damian when the both of you first arrived?

Damian passed by your room but noticed something was off. He decided to take a look. He twisted the doorknob and pushed. The room which was once occupied by you now looked extremely plain and bare, stripped of all of its accessories. The only things left were the bed itself, multiple dressers, and a vanity. It looked as if it had been vacant the whole time. It might as well have been. Damian couldn’t really remember what it had looked like since he’s never paid much mind to it but he could tell there was a drastic difference. He knew that you disliked just leaving your room plain unlike himself and wanted at least something to make it look less boring.

He couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. Had you finally been kicked out by Bruce? Did you get shipped off to a boarding school like he had been suggesting to your father for years? He decided to go ask. He exited the room and closed the door behind him, taking off for Bruce’s office. Walking down the hall, he suddenly remembered that he had seen you leave with Jason. This meant that you were not at a boarding school like he had originally thought. But then why was your room vacant?

Instead of going to see Bruce, he decided to go see Jason and bring up the matter with him instead. He changed directions and headed to the library where he knew he’d find Jason. It was no secret that Jason was a book worm so Damian had a fifty percent chance of finding him there.

He entered the library and was immediately greeted with the sight of Jason sitting comfortably on a chair, legs crossed with a book opened in his hands. Jason didn’t bother to look up from his book as he spoke.

“What do you want Demon Spawn?”

“I’ve come to obtain the whereabouts of my sister.”

“You mean my sister?”

“She’s not your sister!” Damian exclaimed.

“Well I act more like a brother than you do.”

“Where is Y/N? Her whole room is bare.”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

“Just tell me, you imbecile!” Damian said, growing increasingly frustrated by Jason’s blunt answers.

“She’s not here.”

“Then where is she?”

“Not here.”

“Just tell me already Todd, I have no time for your foolish games!”

“She moved out.” Jason said, giving in.

“What?! Where.” Damian demanded.

“Why would I tell you?”

“Because I demand to know!”

“Okay and?”

“Tell me!”

“No.”

“Why not!”

“Because you don’t even care.”

“And you do?”

“Yes, I actually do Damian! I’m there for her when she needs me the most. I’m there for her while she’s watching you live the perfect life that she’s just a background character in! While you and the others ignore that she even exists! I’m there for her when she breaks down and has panic attacks! And what were you all doing to try and help her? Nothing! Absolutely nothing!” Jason snapped.

“Y/N’s fine, I know my twin!” Damian screamed.

“Do you even know what her favorite color is?” Jason questioned in a harsh tone.

“...” Was Damian’s reply.

“Exactly! You don’t! You and the others have never cared about her, so why all of a sudden do you care now? You don’t know anything about her so don’t act like you do!” Jason then stood up and walked out of the room in a fit of rage.

Damian stood there, shocked. Had Jason just refused to answer his question? He was about to follow him but decided against it. Why was Damian going to chase Jason down just for her? She was just an annoyance, a mistake, imperfect. He had been wanting to get rid of her for so long, so why doesn’t he feel relieved? Why does he feel guilty? He decided to stop dwelling on it and get on with life. He figured it would happen eventually if it hadn’t happened then.

---

It had been a year since that day. The day you left your old life behind and started a new life, a better one. One where you weren’t constantly ignored. One where you actually had more than one person care about you. Instead of seeing yourself as a failure and disappointment, you now saw yourself as an amazing person (which you always were). You had been going to a community college in Star City. You made many friends there and started up a music career with three of them.

Their names were f/n, f/n and f/n. You all started off by taking random gigs anywhere you could. You performed covers of songs and would receive standing ovations all the time. Seeing as your group was well liked, you decided to write and produce your own songs. At the age of 19, Y/G/N released their first album. It went viral within a day and everyone was talking about it. After a week, several articles were posted, praising your work. News Stations talked about all the records Y/G/N managed to break. People started to stream it like crazy, and you couldn’t be happier with all the positive feedback you were receiving.

You had been a Wayne once, meaning you had experience in dealing with the media. Since you had already been used to it, you knew you’d all eventually be invited to interviews. So, when you had received an email stating how N/S wanted a one on one interview with you, you weren’t sure how to feel. You weren’t looking forward to interviews with your whole group, let alone one where you would be alone. You knew how unfiltered interviewers could be and didn’t feel comfortable with it.

However, you decided it would be best to go. So here you were, sitting in front of the interviewer in an uncomfortable chair preparing for the interview to start. You had somehow managed to keep a smile plastered on your face the entire time while you were a nervous wreck on the inside. You hoped none of the questions would be sexist as they usually were towards women. However, you had no more time to think about that. You heard clicking, signaling that you were about to go live. Once you heard the last click, you knew you were live and the interview had begun.

“Hello everyone, welcome back to N/S. My name is Jerald Tangleberry and I’m here today with songwriter, singer, and celebrity, Y/N Wayne! How are you?”

You waved to the camera and then answered, “Hello everyone! I’m doing good, how about you?”

“I’m doing great, thanks for asking! So by now I’d assume everyone knows that you’ve released an album with your group. How does it feel to gain more fame?”

“It doesn’t feel any different. Fame wasn’t our goal when we released the album. It was to express ourselves.”

“Mhm, well Ms. Wayne, what inspired you to write songs?”

“Well we know people may be in a tough spot in their life right now and want them to know they aren’t alone.”

“That’s so true. Some fans have been speculating that every member has three songs that specifically relate to them since there are twelve songs in total and three of the songs have the same group member as the introduction part of the song. Is this true?”

“Yes, it is true.”

“So all three of your songs relate to family issues of some sort. Is that hinting that you have family issues?”

“Yes, actually. My family isn’t the best. They ignored me all the time, even when they weren't busy. The only person who didn’t was Jason.”

“You’re saying it in the past tense.”

“I moved out about a year ago. When I was around 14, I suffered from anorexia. My family would always ignore me since they were either busy doing work or hanging out with each other. The only family member that acknowledged me was Jason. I assumed it was because there was something wrong with me. I started to hate myself so much to the point of starvation. One day, I passed out right before a gala and my oldest brother Dick found me passed out on the floor. They took me to the hospital and when I woke up, Bruce, Dick, Tim, and Damian started fussing about how I’d ruin their image if the media knew what actually happened. They started to yell at me and told me how I was a useless burden. I started to have a panic attack so I kicked them out. Jason stayed behind with me and comforted me. Ever since then I made a planed to save enough money so I could move out when I turned 18, which I did.”

“Oh, wow. So Jason was the only one who interacted with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Looks like the Wayne family isn’t as perfect as they seem.”

“No family is actually perfect.”

“Did your family try contacting you at all after they found out about Y/G/N?”

“Not yet. They’re probably too busy or don’t care.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s alright, I got over it. What’s the next question.”

“Oh-” He cleared his throat and continued the interview. (So basically I don’t wanna bore you all lol)

---

Jason had woken up late into the afternoon that day. Patrol that morning had exhausted him. There was a huge breakout at Arkham they had assisted with. They successfully locked up every escapee, so today, Jason just wanted to relax until it would be time for patrol again. Even though he was exhausted, he knew he couldn’t take a break. The others wouldn’t and it would be unfair to them if he did.

He headed over to his couch with his phone and a bowl of popcorn in hand, ready to watch random movies the entirety of the day. He set down his phone on the coffee tables and grabbed the TV remote. When he turned on the TV, he almost dropped the popcorn and remote. You were sitting on a chair, giving an award winning smile while you politely answered the man’s questions. He was baffled. He didn’t know why you were being interviewed, let alone on TV at all! You made it clear you didn’t want to have any relations with your family any longer and you couldn’t stand publicity, so what were you doing?

He placed the bowl down and snatched his phone off the table. Unlocking his phone, he quickly dialed your phone number. However, he realized that the interview was live and that he would be interrupting it if he called you then. Deciding to wait, he placed his phone back down, picked up the bowl, and then got comfortable.

---

Tag list: @fake-id-69 @pepelachanel @loxbbg @what-0-life @yoongi-holland @omnivorousfangirl @cawcaw-pretty-thing @sexysamsungl @iceddonuts @buginetye @portrait-ninja @azazel-nyx @alculai

[thebatfamfanatic]

Six Times He Met Her

Jason Todd x Fem!Reader

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI, guy taking advantage of a minor in first chap, mention of underage smut in fourth chap, making out?, violence, mentions of blood/injury, main character death, adult language, angst

A/N: First thing I’ve written on Tumblr!! Tell me if anybody likes it, or if I broke your heart. And yes, I know I’m evil.

1-

The first time he saw you was around 2:30 in the morning. Jason was squatting on the edge of a rooftop in Gotham, surveying the dark scenery below him.

Somehow, there was still plenty of traffic on the dirty streets, plenty of cars honking and driving around. Jason always wondered who the fuck needed to be somewhere at 2 am.

He fiddled with a loose seam on the Robin uniform he sported each night, hunting down the assholes of Gotham (pretty much 70% of the city) and putting them in jail, where they belonged.

At 16, Jason Todd technically should have been in bed, maintaining a healthy sleep schedule and doing some rich kid shit during the day. Of course, his adoptive (long story) father, Bruce Wayne, richest playboy in Gotham, employed him to be his little tweety bird sidekick at night, so here he was, at the rendezvous watching the streets. yay. A scream came from an alley nearby. Jason stood, stretched his legs, and leaped down from the roof onto the ground. He pinpointed the alleyway where the noise was coming from and raced into it. A girl, about his age, had been cornered by some bitch dude who thought he could take advantage of this girl. Not on Robin’s watch.

Before the girl could scream again, the guy was on the ground and Jason was helping her up. She shakily took the hand he offered her and looked him in the eye. Shit, she had gorgeous eyes. Jason froze for a second, lost in her beauty, before clearing in his throat.

“Hi. I’m Robin, uh, you probably knew that. Are you okay, ma’am?”

He hated the squeak that came out of his mouth. He sounded like a fucking 5 year old. The girl raised her eyebrow. She had recovered rather quickly. “You don’t have to call me ma’am. I’m not some rich-ass royal whatever from Britain.” Jason liked this one. Sassy, but just so. He inquired where she lived, and she gave him the address. With his grappling hook at the ready, Jason pulled her closer to him. She jumped at the sudden closeness, but seemed to enjoy it. Maybe? He didn’t know shit about girls.

Jason shot the hook, propelling them up in the air, and landed on a rooftop. They continued this routine until he got in front of her house. It was still several seconds before he released her waist.

She started to walk towards her door, before stopping.

“Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Sorry, what?” Jason blinked.

“I thought you were smart, Robin. Its my name, dumb ass.”

Then Y/N disappeared into her house. Jason stood there foolishly outside on her front lawn for a while, thinking about the girl he had just met. She was unlike anyone he had ever met, and he realized 10 minutes later that he had forgotten to ask about where her family was and everything.

Oh well. Bruce would be expecting him anyways. Jason shot his grappling hook and started home, still dazed from the encounter.

2-

The second time you guys met was two weeks later. Jason was just Jason Todd, a normal 10th grader living in the shadow of his (adopted) older brother Dick Grayson. Nobody paid much attention to him, and he didn’t really mind. Mostly Jason focused on getting A’s in class and then retreating into the library until Golden Boy’s after school clubs were over.

That is, until you walked in. It sounded as if you had just moved here, and for a minute, Jason felt a little sorry for you. I mean, Gotham wasn’t the greatest place to spend high school, or any grade, in his opinion.

You looked at your schedule from across the hall and then up at the locker next to him. For a second, your eyes met his and Jason was content. Lost in those brilliant colors. And then you looked away and started walking towards him. He realized just in time maybe he should stop leaning over your locker as you stopped next to him.

“Hi. Y/N. Just moved here. Looks like we’re locker neighbors.”

Jason was about to reply with “I know” but restrained himself. “Jason. Nice to meet you. Congrats on moving to this shitshow.”

He managed to not grin like an idiot as you laughed. The sound was music to his ears, like beautiful bells. God, he was being sappy.

“It’s not much of a shitshow when you’re here.” Ooh, she flirts too. Jason smirked as you opened your locker and dumped your stuff inside, pulling out the things you needed for your first class.

The first bell shrieked just as you closed your locker. “See you around, Jason.”

The small smile you gave him made his day, and he almost forgot to get to class. Yes, you were certainly one of a kind, and yes, Jason wanted you. The question was how to get to that point.

3-

You guys had a couple classes together, and frequently sat at the same table during lunch, so it wasn’t long before you were quick friends with Jason. However, the next notable time you met was a little while after he got your number.

Jason was laying on his bed, scrolling mindlessly through Tumblr as he thought about ways to ask you out.

Y/N, would you grant me the honor of going out with me? No, too Romeo and Juliet.

Hey, want to grab ice cream? He had to make it clear what his intentions were. Then it wouldn’t be weird if he kissed you, right?

Oh, god, if he fucking kissed you….what would that be like? Before Jason could start fantasizing, his fingers were flying across the keyboard and he had sent a text to you. What did he do, what did he-

Hey, I was wondering if you’d like to see that new movie this weekend. It seems like something you would enjoy.

Hm. That was actually pretty good. Where did he come up with that?

Jason had just started inspecting his fingers for some kind of sign of being possessed by smooth-with-girls-syndrome when you responded. He looked up and read it quickly.

Sure, I’d love that! Thanks for thinking of me ❤️

A heart. You had put a heart at the end of it. Did that mean you knew it was a date?

Jason sighed. He certainly hoped so.

4-

The weekend date went good. By the end of it, Jason was sure you knew it was a date. The second one passed, and then the third. The third one was when you hesitantly pecked him on the cheek. The fourth was when he kissed you actually. It wasn’t a long kiss, but it was just enough for him to take you on a fourth date. An actual “will you go out with me on a date” kind of thing.

He took you to a restaurant in the fancy part of things. You two ate food that two broke 16 year olds technically shouldn’t have been able to afford, but Bruce helped Jason out.

Jason drove you home afterwards and discussed the topic of the upcoming summer during the car ride. What you were doing, where he was going. The entire time, Jason had butterflies in his stomach. He wasn’t sure how to act. Was he messing it all up, or were you actually into him?

Once he parked in front of your house and walked you up to the stoop, you looked at him. He noticed you were biting your lip nervously, and god, why did he think that was so hot? “My parents aren’t home.” It was the softest Jason had ever heard you speak, but he knew what you meant. He smiled gently, and kissed you again. This one was destined to last longer, and before either of you realized it, you had opened your door and you were leading him to your bedroom.

That night was one neither of you would forget, and by the end of it, Jason had officially asked out successfully.

5-

You and Jason spent a lot of time together after that. You met his older brother, Dick (who was very happy for Jason, too happy in his opinion) and his dad, Bruce Wayne. Bruce was cool, but very busy all the time.

By two months, Jason still hadn’t told you his identity as Robin, and he was running out of excuses. One day, you confronted him, assuming he was cheating on you. He tried everything, but he had to go out on patrol.

Jason left that night assuming you were broken up. The entire patrol, he wasn’t himself. Truth was, he loved you so much he was afraid of losing you. That had become his greatest fear. It was that night everything went wrong.

6-

You were out taking a late night walk. Down by the pier, a cold wind was blowing, and as you walked past warehouse after warehouse, you pulled your coat tighter.

You were affected as well, and confused about where you and your boyfriend stood. Did you guys just breakup? Did he love you? Did–

A scream echoed from one of the warehouses. You turned, afraid of stepping closer but afraid of leaving the person. Eventually, your curiosity won over and you climbed up several crates to peer into the window.

What you saw inside almost made you scream yourself. Robin, the hero everybody talked about, lay defenseless and bloody on the ground as a tall man-the Joker- whacked him over and over again with a crowbar.

You gasped, wanting to help, but you knew that would be foolish. You would just get in the way for a minute. Tears started to form in your eyes as Robin weakly cried out from the pain. He looked so…helpless.

Joker relentlessly beat him with the crowbar, and Robin’s mask began to come off. You rubbed the tears from your eyes just as the mask fell to the ground.

“No.” was the only thing that you could muster. Jason lay on the ground in the bloody Robin suit. Jason fucking Todd. There was your boyfriend, being beaten to death by the asshole of all assholes. That was why he kept disappearing at night, because he fucking protected the city!

You were mad at yourself for being so cruel to Jason without knowing what was really going on. You barely paid attention as Batman and Nightwing suddenly burst through the windows.

Joker laughed, and said something you couldn’t hear from the outside. Probably taunting Batman as he watched his apprentice get beat to death.

A fight broke out, Batman lunging at Joker as Nightwing rushed to Jason, laying broken on the ground. You had just enough time to duck as a Batarang came swooping out of the hands of the Caped Crusader and straight through the window you were looking through.

It was then you realized how close Jason was to death, and what you needed to do. The window pricked your jacket as you jumped through it, but you didn’t care. Gymnastics back in 6th grade helped when you landed awkwardly. Nightwing spun around, and it wasn’t hard to figure out that was Dick, which meant Bruce was Batman.

However, none of that mattered when Jason was half dead in front of you. Nightwing- Dick- made no effort to stop you as you knelt in front of Jason. “No, no, no.” You cradled his head in your hands, trying hard not to recognize how limp his body was, and how his chest barely moved as he struggled to breathe.

Jason’s eyes were closed, tears running down his face silently. You were crying as well, mumbling curses and things that made no sense.

“Please, don’t be dead. Please, I-I love you.”

You watched Jason make no acknowledgement he could hear you, watched him breathe once more. His chest rose and never fell.

You screamed and buried your head in his costume, not caring about getting blood on your face. Dick pulled you away wordlessly, out of the warehouse. You barely registered that the warehouse exploded behind you a few seconds later.

Dick let you sob into his shoulder for what seemed like hours. Him and Bruce exchanged a short conversation, both riddled with grief.

Six times you and Jason had met, and that was the last.

[literatikoo]

Lane Kim deserved better

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I would only write Lane Kim meta when I am very very angry because I need to be powered by spite and petty energy to unravel exactly how much of a disservice this show was to Lane and by extension any Asian kid with a similar life. And, well, it's happening now, so buckle up kids, this is going to be a loooong ride because I have a lot to say.

Before we start on the negative aspects, the show got a lot of things about Lane right, which is why I care so much about her character. Yes, ASP obviously didn't know how to write a POC experience and it's seen in the way some very harmful stereotypes were propagated (the tiger mom trope, Mrs Kim's religious beliefs, the depiction of the Kim extended family etc) but at the same time Lane was beautifully written as a character, unlike her plot which left much to be desired. Lane Kim was an Asian girl with rock n roll dreams who had an extremely fraught relationship with her mother and had to fight for even a semblance of independence. And I hate to say it but a lot of daughters of Asian households are forced to hide a part of themselves from their families, so Lane's story was authentic.

Not only was Lane amazing as an individual, she was also a great friend. She was the only one who was really in Rory's corner; she never judged her and supported all of Rory's relationships (my favourite example of this is when she barely tolerated Jess in S2/3 and then did a complete 180 like 5 episodes later, all because Rory decided to finally accept she liked him). Lane never pointed out what Rory was doing wrong not because she was afraid of doing so but because the two of them had been friends for years and Lane believed that Rory would figure it out one day. Lane shows this unconditional kindness not only to Rory but to everyone. She takes in her Korean cousin and teaches her to have fun even when she's afraid that Mrs Kim has replaced her, she lets Gil be in the band because she empathises with him, she takes care of the band and prevents it from breaking up multiple times. And these are only a few examples of Lane being the kindest character on GG.

One of the best things in Gilmore Girls is that the most unproblematic, amazing guy is given to Lane. Dave Rygalski is the best love interest on the show hands down (Sorry to my boy Jess but Dave was LEAGUES ahead of him at 17) and Lane definitely deserved someone like that. Their story was adorable and I would have loved for them to be endgame. However, what grates me is that when I see people talking about Lane "deserving better," it's usually about Dave vs Zach. When Lane actually deserved better as a WHOLE and not only in terms of love interests. I always thought it made more sense for her to end up alone at the end of the og series. Because Lane was a person who craved independence and she was not going to get that while tied to some guy (even if that guy is boyfriend extraordinaire, Dave Rygalski). It's even worse when we see that Lane is the only female character on the show to be treated this way. Rory rejects marriage for her career while Lane ends up with marriage as her storyline. Lorelai and Luke get back together but their relationship is still left open ended, though arguably it would've made more sense if they got married when Lane and Zach did. Paris gets into Harvard Medical school and gets a great relationship, similarly Sookie gets the family she wanted and continues to be amazing at her job. But Lane... god Lane is the only one without an open ending, without any space for speculation of where her life might lead her. Not only did they marry her off, they also gave her a terrible first time and twins, effectively locking her to Stars Hollow. The show even cut down all hope of her being a rock n roll mom as one of her S7 storylines is choosing the kids over going on tour with Zach. She doesn't get to be her own person for more than ONE season; she's stuck with being a daughter and then a wife and then a mother.

Something else that angers me about Lane's storyline is that we never really get to see how badly her relationship with her mom affects her. Don't get me wrong, I adore Mrs Kim's redemption arc and I think it was beautifully juxtaposed to Lorelai and Rory's crumbling relationship, but having a mother like that is hard. Not only did Lane have to hide 90% of her personality from Mrs Kim but she also lived with the fact that one day she might have to choose between her dreams and her mother. In the end, Mrs Kim makes that choice for her and deals with it by kicking Lane out in S4, and yet we never really see how that negatively affects Lane. Hell, Jess acts like a broody teen for two seasons, Rory wastes six months of her life away at the DAR and they both come out of it successfully. Lane gets kicked out, figures out her own living conditions, gets a job, works insanely hard for her band and... ends up having to give her dreams up completely.

Lane and Paris shared a lot of similarities too, even if they both had different friendships with Rory. They both came from terrible families and looked to Lorelai as a mother figure, they both cared deeply for Rory, and they were both incredibly passionate about their careers. Paris made calendars and flashcards and went crazy studying for both pre med and pre law. Lane was a walking, talking music encyclopaedia, she bought CDs obsessively and organised them by genre under her floorboards, she taught herself to play the drums and then found a band to play for. And yet... only Paris becomes successful in the end, whereas Lane takes over Kim's antiques. Lane was still a musician in AYITL and she can be rock n roll even with kids but this is all hypothetical and we never see it on the show.

There is a lot of terrible, lazy writing on the show and a lot of characters get ruined because of it but with Lane, her character stays the same, they just ruin everything else for her. I think she'll be an amazing mom and will probably make her best out of doing music casually. But the writers also took something so special and destroyed it just because Lane stopped being as important to the plot as she was in seasons 1-3. Lane and Rory drifting a little after Rory leaves for Yale makes perfect sense, that's just how relationships are, always changing. And yet as Lane's importance to Rory decreased so did her importance to the writers.

Lane wasn't the kind of character that needed character development or a redeeming character arc- she was never a bad person and nothing about her had to be fixed, unlike Jess or even Paris. All she really needed was for her dreams to come true because for the first 4 seasons her dreams were the biggest fixture of her personality. Like how Jess needed to overcome his trauma and Rory needed to figure out where she fit in and Paris needed to become a girlboss, Lane needed to realise her dreams because that's where her arc was leading her. But it just didn't happen. Instead, Lane becomes 2-dimensional; a large part of her screentime is taken up by Zach problems, her dreams fall flat and she becomes tied to Stars Hollow for the rest of her life. Not to mention we see less of Lane in favour of Logan and the dickhead posse.

This is not me hating on all the other characters I've mentioned in this meta, I'm just pointing out the lack of respect the writers have for Lane in comparison to all these other people who fulfilled the role they were made for. Why would you write Lane to have all these dreams and make her struggle so hard for 4 seasons just to smash them to pieces? And why is it that one of the only POC characters on this show is treated like this?

And you can't tell me the writers didn't know what they were doing, not when this is a direct quote from Lane in S7:

"It was such a small window -- a peephole, really. For years, I was this repressed kid, and then there was the briefest of windows. And then -- slam. All of a sudden, I'm this overburdened mother. I barely got to do it, Zach. I barely got the chance to be a person."

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

An Inconvenient Affection - New Series Sneak Peek - [S. R. Series]

When a couples’ therapist is suspected of murdering his own patients, Y/N and Spencer must go undercover as a feuding married couple to draw him out.

A/N:  I’m so excited to be starting my second series. I’ve got the first few chapters written and the whole thing outlined already so I’m hoping to stick to a regular posing schedule. For this I’m sort of picturing a mid-seasons Spencer with a kind of switch energy, so it’s neither dom! nor sub! Spencer! 

I really hope you enjoy it, let me know if you’d like to be on the taglist, and as always, reblogs, comments, tags, and messages really keep me motivated and excited to write <3

Read Chapter 1 Here 

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Friends to Lovers, Smut, Fluff, Angst

Warnings: Cursing, Adult Themes, Smut in Later Chapters, Alcohol Consumption, Stalking, Adultery, Criminal Minds Typical Violence

Word Count: TBA (Roughly 10 Chapters)

“A married couple?!” Spencer all but shouts, the office is hardly soundproof and the rest of the team must’ve caught on by now. For the ‘smartest member of the team’ Spencer sure had some gaping holes in his foresight.

“You can’t be serious!”

He stands up from his chair, shaking his head in disbelief, starting to pace around the medium sized office to work off the nervous energy building in his chest.

“This is hardly outrageous Reid” Hotch states, making sympathetic but brief eye contact with Y/N before he pinches the bridge of his nose in an effort to restrain himself. “Yourself and Y/N already have a friendship to build on, she’s worked undercover many times and your memory should make it simple for you to integrate into the false narrative she can construct. Plus, you’re a non-threatening presence to an unsub like this. What else could you possibly need convincing of?” Hotch adds with exasperation, he’d mentioned all of that and more in his initial proposition but Spencer was still reluctant.

“If I’m really that repulsive I’m sure we can find someone else to play my husband Spence?” Y/N tries to joke but there’s something about the sentence that makes her stomach uneasy.

“No!” Spencer sits again with haste, looking between the two other agents, “No that’s not it, I just” he takes in a deep sigh, “I don’t know if I’ll be any good at this, I don’t want to ruin the investigation” he confesses and Hotch immediately shoots it down.

“That won’t be an issue, our unsub’s primary target will be Y/N. She’ll be the cheating partner, your role will mostly be following her lead which shouldn’t be too difficult”

Spencer might be great at acting after all. He lets his shoulders slump and his posture relaxes entirely as though his boss has just put all of his worries to rest. But that’s not what was bothering him. Not even close.

He’s had a stupid schoolboy crush on Y/N from her first day at the BAU. He’d like to think it had come later but he knew it had been almost instant. Her first day had been on Halloween 2 years earlier, he’d been explaining the historical origins of the holiday when Y/N corrected his pronunciation of the Irish word Samhain.

“It’s more like ‘Sah-whin’ than ‘Sam-hain’ in spite of its spooky origins it’s actually the current Irish word for November” she spoke up from her seat in the bullpen, setting up some stationary at the once empty desk next to Spencer’s.

“Y/N L/N,” she stood up outstretching her hand, “I guess I’m your new co-worker” she half-smiled, her nervous energy getting the better of her as he ignored her gesture and just looked at her palm instead.

“He’s just weird about touching” Emily reaches out to reciprocate the handshake, “I’m Emily Prentiss, it’s nice to meet you, this little guy here is Spencer Reid” she says as she places her hands on both of his shoulders and shakes him gently

“Dr. Spencer Reid” he corrects quickly, shooting her a tight lipped smile paired with an even more awkward half-wave.

“Oh, a doctor” she raises her eyebrows, “best not tell my Mom I work with a doctor or she’ll be hounding me to marry you” she cracks. It’s obviously a joke but Spencer can’t help but recall the conversation now and how prescient it feels.

“We can work out the details together if you think that’ll help you feel more comfortable?” Y/N reaches out her hand to touch his forearm to steady him in his seat. He’d grown so used to her casual touch by now that he barely noticed it. But this time, with his rolled up sleeve, feeling her fingertips against his bare skin it felt as though he was going to combust.

How was he going to be able to hide this childish infatuation if they had to masquerade as a married couple. What if she touched him literally anywhere else. She was a profiler too, of course she’d notice.

Read Chapter 1 Here

——

Let me know what you thought about this sneak peek here <3

And let me know if you'd like to be on the tag-list, I'll be posting the first full chapter later this week!

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

[viastro]

in a span of three months | joshua hong

ミ★ synopsis: in which you teach joshua how to live.

ミ★ genre: strangers to lovers!au, terminally ill!reader, angst, fluff, some humor

ミ★ warnings: mentions of depression (not mentioned heavily), implied suicidal thoughts and intention (very brief), major character death

ミ★ word count: 20,351

ミ★ pairings: joshua hong x gender neutral reader

ミ★ notes: hi guys ! here’s the longest oneshot i’ve ever written so i’d like to apologize in advance BSJKGBDKB i just wanted to mention that this isn’t necessarily realistic before you go into it, and that the reader’s illness is not mentioned in this oneshot as i didn’t want to explicitly list one. i hope you guys enjoy this oneshot, it’s my best work and i put a lot of time and effort into it <3

ミ★ taglist: @coppertrashi @magicalhannie @brinnalaine @minluvly @wonunuu @suhfluffy @shuajeong @euphorencia @imjustuhhvibing​ @minghao-will-be-the-death-of-me @shuahaeee @jaeyuni @sunflowergyeomie

january 2, 2021 

The date flashes back at you from your lockscreen, and a breath escapes you as you turn off your phone. Your leg bounces against the floor in anxiousness as you wait for him to tell you the results from your recent test.

“I’m sorry, yn.” You slowly look up towards your doctor, seeing the grave expression on his face. Your grip on the chair tightens when he folds his hands together, turning towards you. 

“We estimate that you only have three more months to live. We will give you medication…” The rest of his words are tuned out as your gaze falls down to the table, the sound of your heartbeat is loud against your ears. You bite the inside of your cheek, listening to it thrum. 

I’m dying, yet I can feel my heartbeat right now. I can hear it. It’s beating.

I’m alive.

You stand up from your chair when Dr. Park does, and you give him as bright of a smile as you can muster when you bow towards him. He stares at you with pity in his eyes, and you hate it.

You hate it so much.

“Eat whatever you want, do things you’ve always wanted to do. Live your life, yn. I’ll see you at your next appointment.” Dr. Park tells you, and you nod your head. Giving him a small smile, you grab your bag and walk out of the room, tightly squeezing the strap as you exit the hospital.

Once outside, you suck in a deep breath of air, having felt as if you were suffocating in that building the longer you were in it. Rubbing the back of your neck, you look over towards the Han River, seeing the Banpo bridge shine brightly during the night. 

Letting out a sigh, you head in the direction of the bridge, deciding to walk home rather than take the bus like you usually do. Your heart remains heavy as you look around at your surroundings, wondering what you should do during your last few months of living. 

It’s strange.

Having a known deadline on your own life.

As you make it onto the bridge, you turn your head to look out along the Han River as you walk. The slight wind from the water breezes past you during the night, and you somehow find that it’s the only thing able to calm you down from the raging storm within you. Letting out a small smile, you notice how pretty Seoul is at night.

With the city lights shining brightly back at you, the busy streets roaring with life even during the relatively late hours. The bright stars glowing down from the sky, surrounding the beautiful moon that reflects its light across the Han River. 

“Ah, life is beautiful.” You mutter softly, turning your head and looking forward. You raise an eyebrow when you see a blonde head of hair standing in front of the railing along the bridge, just staring out at the water. Coming to a stop, you stare at the person a few feet from you, wondering what they’re doing. 

Your eyes trail down to see his hands gripping the railing tightly, and you tilt your head at the sight. Taking a few steps forward, the man seems to have not noticed your presence. He just looks out across the water with a blank stare, the whites of his knuckles becoming more prominent when he tightens his grip again. At this point, you decide to interrupt.

“Hi.” You greet cheerfully, and the guy blinks out of his dazed state from the sound of your voice. He slowly turns his head towards you, and you feel warmth flood your face immediately at how ethereal this man is.

His platinum hair falls softly over his forehead, wisps of it flying up slightly due to the light wind. His deerlike eyes stare into yours, and you find that they emphasize his beautiful features that much more. However, the exhaustion is evident in his gaze.

“Hey.” The stranger replies, voice soft and airy, somehow matching his appearance even though he seems tired. 

“What are you doing?” You ask, stepping forward so that you’re now right beside him. His eyes widen slightly, before they relax to their normal size. He shrugs his shoulders, glancing over at the road when a car drives by. “Just standing on the bridge.”

You give him a close-lipped smile, tilting your head as you press on, “Why?” 

“Just cause.” 

You nod your head, turning around so that you can rest your forearms onto the railing. Raising your hand up, you rest your chin on the palm of your hand, letting out a sigh of content as you lay eyes on the beautiful scenery once again. The ethereal man turns to glance at you, wondering what you could possibly want.

“Live your life.” You say in a soft tone, and he simply blinks at you.

“What?” 

You turn your head towards the pretty man, “Life is short when you think about it. It can suck a lot of the time, as well as be unfair, but sometimes…” 

Your voice trails off as you look up at the stars, realizing just how small you are in this great, big universe. “Sometimes it can be beautiful.” 

The stranger tilts his head up and stares at the sky along with you, a comfortable silence settling over the two of you as you do so.

“I wish I could see it like you do.” You look over at him, finding that he’s still staring up at the sky. His breath is visible due to the cold temperatures, and you watch as he lets out a sigh. He turns towards you, giving you a heartbreaking smile, “Life hasn’t been kind to me.” 

The two of you stare into each other's eyes for a moment, and you find that you’re more similar than you originally thought. You feel the exact same way about life, and you’ve asked life for years, why you? Why did it have to be you? 

You could never find the answer.

And so, you smile at the stranger, who tilts his head at you, wondering how one can be so bright and cheerful. You reach into your pocket and pull out your phone, handing it towards him after you unlock it. He raises an eyebrow as he reaches out and takes it, “You know I could totally just take this and run, right?” 

You nod your head, letting out a quiet giggle that rings in the blonde’s ears. He finds the sound to be rather pleasant. “I know, but I have a feeling you’re not that type of person.”

He purses his lips, nodding his head in agreement. Glancing down at the cellular device, he sees your wallpaper, a photo of you holding a cat with a big smile on your face. His eyes trail back up towards your face, as if to ask what you want him to do with your phone. 

You sigh with a teasing look on your face, and you take the phone from his grasp, opening up the contacts menu before holding it back out towards him. “Put your number in.” 

The blonde’s eyes widen slightly, before he tentatively types in his number, handing it back to you. You grasp the phone in your hand, a breath leaving your lips when you finally learn his name.

“Why do you want my number?” He asks, and you look up from your phone, giving your new friend a smile. 

“Since life hasn’t been kind to you, I wanted to be.” You answer simply, and he stares into your eyes with an indecipherable emotion to them at your answer. 

After a moment, he turns his body towards the railing of the bridge again, staring out at the city without saying anything else. You follow suit, resting your forearms onto the cool metal as you breathe in the fresh air. 

“My name is yn.” You tell him in a soft voice, not expecting a response. A few minutes pass when you finally hear his voice say,

“My name is Joshua.” 

Joshua taps the eraser of his pencil onto his notebook, blankly staring off at the projector screen while he tunes out everything the professor is saying. The only thing on his mind is you, the person he met last week on the bridge. 

You haven’t contacted him yet, and he’s beginning to wonder if you were just a figment of his imagination. That deep down, he wanted to stay, so his consciousness created a positive person to appear right before him, convincing him to live another day.

“Yn.” Joshua whispers underneath his breath, and he tilts his head to the side, having not realized how nice your name was until this very moment. He only pays attention to the lecture when his professor announces the homework, and he quickly jots down the page numbers to read. Throwing his bag over his shoulder, he steps out of the auditorium and begins to walk off campus. 

Some university students would usually go and meet up with their friends after class to go and eat, or they’d go and meet their significant other to study together. Then there’s Joshua, who does neither of those things. 

“Hey Josh.” The blonde nods his head at his boss in greeting, letting the door close behind him as he walks over into the back to change. 

Everyday Joshua just goes through the motions, doing what he has to do to survive, as dramatic as that sounds. Go to uni, work a six hour shift to pay for his tuition, head home and study, then barely sleep. He wakes up the next day and does it all over again. 

Joshua has gotten used to the feeling of being numb.

He tiredly ties the apron onto his waist before going and washing his hands. The call of his name makes him glance up from the floor as he wipes his hands on a paper towel, his boss appears at the doorway, holding the notepad and pen towards him.

Joshua sends him a tight smile, stepping forward and taking the pen and paper from his hand. He feels himself get a pat on the back as his manager walks past him, and he lets out a breath, before walking out into the restaurant. 

His eyes trail over to two women seated at a booth, waiting for their orders to be taken. Joshua doesn’t feel like going over there yet, as the words you told him that night ring in his head. 

Live your life. 

Joshua scoffs quietly, remembering the bright smile you showed him. He looks down at the notepad in his hand, wondering how you could find life to be so beautiful when he’s never seen it that way. His head snaps up when he hears his name be called, and he immediately walks over to the table, clicking open the pen.

“Hi. What can I get started for you guys today?” 

“One sikhye please!” The woman nods her head at you, and you smile as you hand her the correct amount of money. She hands you your order number, and you walk over to the other side of the food stand, waiting to be called.

Your hands make their way into your pockets, your hand wrapping around your phone. Tilting your head, you remember the pretty blonde you met on the bridge. You suck in a deep breath of the cool air, looking up towards the sky to catch the beginning of the sunset. A smile makes its way onto your face at the different pink and orange hues of the sky.

You fail to notice the blonde head of hair looking in your direction, wondering how you always manage to have a smile on your face. It’s only when you feel that tingly feeling of someone staring at you that you look back down, turning your head to find those deerlike eyes boring into yours.

Your mouth drops open in surprise, and you grin happily, raising your hand up and waving towards the ethereal man. 

“Hi Jos-” You’re cut off when your order number gets called, and you hold up a finger at the blonde to signal him to wait, before quickly grabbing your sikhye and walking over to him. 

“Hi Joshua.” You finally greet properly, taking a tiny sip of the sweet rice drink as he stares at you quietly. He clicks his tongue, tilting his head at you, “You never texted me.” 

Pursing your lips at the fact that he was waiting, you slowly hold out the drink in apology. Joshua glances down at it, before looking back at you with a raise to his eyebrow. 

“Don’t you want it?”

“Take my apology drink.”

“But you just ordered this-”

“I can buy another one.” 

The corner of Joshua’s lip quirks up slightly, before he takes the drink from your grasp and takes a sip. You let out a smile, before pointing back towards the drink stand, “I’ll go buy myself another drink and then we can hangout.” 

You’re about to turn around when you feel a hand grasp your wrist, stopping you from walking over. Your eyes slowly glance down, before they trail back up to see Joshua staring at you, straw in his mouth as he takes another sip of the sikhye. 

He lets go of your wrist and walks over to the stand himself, ordering the drink for you. You’re left flabbergasted as he hands the employee his card, and you watch as a blush rises to the woman’s face the longer she communicates with the pretty man. 

Once he’s handed his order number, he walks back towards you, seeing the shocked look on your face. He raises his hand up and waves it in front of your face, and you finally look back into his eyes. 

“Why do you look so shocked?” Joshua asks, slightly biting on the straw as he awaits your response. Your mouth opens and closes, before you just let out a huff, reaching out and hitting Joshua’s arm softly. He still feigns pain, his hand reaching up and rubbing the area.

“Ow.”

You giggle at his reaction, “Thank you for the drink, Joshua. Except now I feel like the apology drink I gave you doesn’t count since you bought me one.” 

Joshua shrugs, looking back over towards the drink stand when he hears your order number be called. He shoots you a glance over his shoulder, “Consider it a gift.”

It’s only when Joshua walks back and hands you the sikhye that you wonder how he’s been doing. You stare at him for a moment as he places the receipt into his wallet, and you find that the darkness under his eyes is still evident. You even think they might be a bit darker than when you first saw him as he looks back up at you. 

“Is something on my face?” Joshua asks when he notices the furrow to your brow. Your eyes widen slightly and you shake your head, giving him a reassuring grin. “I just thought you were handsome.” 

Joshua’s mouth drops open at your honesty, while you internally panic at the fact that that was your coverup for staring at him. You watch as a tinge of pink appears on his cheeks, and you honestly find the sight so endearing that you have to look away. 

“Let’s go to the arcade!” You exclaim, not wanting to acknowledge the fact that you called him handsome as you point towards the colorful arcade down the block. Joshua raises an eyebrow, running a hand through his hair when he nods his head. “Okay.”

The two of you go on your way to the arcade, walking in a relative silence, the sounds of you both taking sips of your sikhye filling the quiet. Joshua pushes open the door for you, and you smile, nodding your head at him. 

“What a gentleman.” The blonde lets out a scoff at the nickname, and you giggle at his reaction once he steps inside after you. You both walk over to the machine that gives you the game card, and you quickly shove your credit card into the slot before Joshua can, effectively paying for the game card the two of you will share.

Joshua rolls his eyes as he takes another sip of his drink, “You should’ve let me pay for it.” 

You don’t respond, instead heading over to the racing games without another word. Joshua pauses when you glance over your shoulder with a smile, “Consider it a gift.” 

He watches as you skip towards the game with the motorcycle, the sight of your bright smile still imprinted in his brain. He shakes his head as if it’ll clear his thoughts, before following after you. 

Joshua’s head falls back onto his pillows as he stares up at the ceiling of his dark room, the comforter resting over him. 

He’s always had trouble sleeping. It started out by him sleeping later and later as he grew older, until he could only fall asleep at around 4 or 5 in the morning. 

Joshua’s eyes trail over to the window beside him, and he lets out a quiet huff when he sees that the moon isn’t shining back at him. The stars are a bit dim, but they’re still evident in the dark sky. 

He looks back up towards the ceiling, and he closes his eyes when the thought of your smile comes into mind again. 

Joshua glances at you when you let out another giggle, and he finds himself wondering for the nth time how you can be so happy. You rest your head onto his shoulder for a second while you laugh, and he freezes slightly at the contact.

“Your face when I beat you at air hockey was so funny.” You manage to say through your laughing fit, reaching up to cover your mouth with your hand in an attempt to stop more giggles from pouring through. Joshua rolls his eyes playfully, remembering how happy you were when you won the arcade game. 

“Was it really that funny?” Joshua asks, and you nod your head with an incredulous look on your face. He lets out a sigh, placing his hands into his pockets as he looks up towards the night sky. The two of you fall into a comfortable silence, just enjoying the scenery as you calm down from the joys of the arcade. 

You turn your head to look at the blonde, “Did you have fun tonight?” 

The blonde doesn’t respond right away, instead letting his head fall so that he’s now staring at the sidewalk while the two of you walk to the bus stop. You nod, understanding that he probably didn’t enjoy the games as much as you did. 

“It’s okay if you didn’t. I know a few people who don’t actually like arcades-”

“I enjoyed it.” Joshua answers, turning to look at you with a close-lipped smile on his face. He watches as your eyes practically sparkle back at him from the sight. “Really?” 

Joshua nods his head, and you raise your hands up to your warm face, feeling accomplished. He looks away from you as the two of you continue to walk, finding you to be rather endearing. Once the two of you make it to the bus stop, you turn around to face the ethereal man, giving him a bright smile that makes his heart stutter within his chest. 

“I’m happy you had fun, Joshua. I’ll make sure to text you this time!” You say happily as the bus pulls up, and you raise your hand up to wave at him. 

Joshua keeps his hands in his pockets once you turn around and head onto the bus. He watches as you walk towards the window seat, immediately pulling open the window once you sit down. You give him another smile and a wave, and he tilts his head at you. 

It’s only when the bus pulls away from the curb that Joshua raises his hand up and waves back at you. 

Joshua’s eyes glance over to the window again, and he decides that you were brighter than all of the stars in the sky tonight. 

He manages to fall asleep earlier this time, around 2 am. 

Your smile was the last thing on his mind before he did so. 

Joshua sits at his desk, mindlessly doing his homework as the soft guitar instrumental plays in the background of his room. He taps the eraser against his bottom lip, before pressing the led onto the paper again.

The sound of his phone receiving a notification captures his attention, and he glances down at the cool metal, seeing an unfamiliar number. He slides up on his lockscreen and reads the message.

you: joshua ! it’s me yn >:D

The blonde lets out a breathless chuckle, lifting up his phone and sending a response back.

joshua: so you actually texted me this time

you: don’t make me feel bad ! D: i was busy after i met you that night 

i gave you my sikhye last week to make up for it !

The corner of Joshua’s lips quirks upwards at your use of emoticons, knowing that you most likely pouted as you typed the message.

joshua: it was very good

you: i know right

anyways, do you wanna hangout later today? i wanna go to the park to take pictures when the sun sets

joshua: so you’re using me as your professional photographer

you: of course :3

joshua: pft

you: see you at around 5 <3333

joshua: i’ll see you

The blonde sets down his phone, running a hand through his hair as he looks out his window. The blue skies stare back at him, and he watches as a few birds fly past. His eyes trail back over towards his laptop, and he sighs. 

“I’ll finish this assignment before I start to get ready.” 

It’s only a few hours later that Joshua’s walking towards the park, hands in his pockets as he listens to the sound of life around him. He looks around at his surroundings, about to enter the park entrance when he catches sight of a tteokbokki stand.

He watches as a couple hands the lady some money, before she prepares their bowls that will hold the yummy rice cake. He specifically eyes the mozzarella cheese she layers over it, and Joshua suddenly wonders when he became hungry.

“I wonder if yn would want some.” Joshua mutters to himself, tilting his head the longer he debates on whether or not to spend his money.

He fails to notice you standing not too far from him, smiling as you watch him practically waddle in place as he stares at the food stand. You walk up to the blonde, reaching out and resting your hands on both of his arms, peering over his shoulder.

“Are you hungry?” Joshua chokes on his saliva at your sudden appearance, causing you to double over in laughter and apologies as you try to help him breathe properly. He squints at you when he finally regains his composure, still clearing his throat as he pats his chest. 

“I’m literally so fucking sorry.” His eyes turn into slits at your apology, watching as your shoulders shake from the laughter you’re trying to hold back. Joshua gently pushes you with his hand, before turning around and walking into the park, tteokbokki now forgotten.

“Joshua! I’m sorry!” You laugh from behind, walking faster in order to catch up to him. Joshua doesn’t respond, but he doesn’t pick up his pace either, instead letting you hurry to his side. You smile at him, peeking your head in front of his face so that he can look at you. “Do you forgive me?”

“You thought me choking was funny.” 

“True.” You admit, and Joshua scoffs at your answer, rolling his eyes teasingly as he nudges you with his shoulder again. You grin happily, nudging him back as you pull out your phone from your pocket. 

“The sun is setting which means we probably only have 20 minutes to take the best sunset photos known to man. You’re my designated photographer today, remember?” Joshua begrudgingly takes the phone from your grasp, and you walk onto the relatively empty field of grass, raising your arms up towards the sky. The blonde just lets out a sigh loud enough for you to hear as he goes onto the camera app, 

“Ah, what a tragic life I live.” 

“You should be happy that you’re photographing such beauty!” You shout, and the corner of Joshua’s lip quirks up when he sees the furrow to your brow. He lifts up the phone so that you’re in frame, but peeks his head out from behind it.

“Do you want me to just take a billion photos?” He asks, and you give him a thumbs up. The blonde nods his head, going back into photographer mode as he starts to take photos of you. 

You’re quite surprised at how seriously Joshua’s taking this photography gig, with the way he’s angling the camera and the straight face he has on. You find yourself giggling at the sight, causing the blonde to pause when he sees your smile through the camera. 

Your eyes widen slightly when you see him stiffen, realizing your laughter might’ve accidentally thrown him off his game, “Was my giggling bad? Sorry!”

Joshua shakes his head immediately at your apology, lowering your phone from his face so that you can see him properly. It’s as if your heart stops when you do look at him.

His platinum hair is flowing a bit with the wind, similar to when you first met him that night on the bridge. His deerlike eyes are boring into yours, and you find a tinge of pink dusting across his cheeks as he runs a hand through his hair. 

Joshua hides his face behind your phone again, wanting to capture your reaction when he says, 

“Don’t apologize. Your smile is pretty.”

Your mouth drops open at the compliment, having not received one from the past couple weeks of knowing the man. Joshua captures the moment on your phone, a breath leaving his lips when he sees a smile make its way onto your face. 

“Thank you.” You mutter, radiance to your features as you start posing again underneath the sky painted with various shades of pink and purple. He nods his head as he continues to capture more photos of you, silently wondering how he finds you to be prettier than the beautiful sunset behind you.

“No problem.”

You stare into those lovely brown eyes with a determined look on your face, making the blonde raise an eyebrow at you in confusion. He reaches his hand out towards you, and you stare at it, wondering what he’s going to do. 

“Ow!”

It only results in you rubbing your forehead with a glare, while Joshua just goes back to drinking his coffee—now happy about flicking your forehead. You slam your fists gently onto the wooden table, and the ethereal man just stares at you in silence.

“You know what we should do?” You ask, and Joshua stays quiet, knowing you’re going to answer the question anyways. A grin makes its way onto your face as you give him jazz hands, “Go to the store so that I can buy groceries because my fridge is low.” 

Joshua lets out a sigh, giving you an unimpressed look as he turns to face out the window. He’s not surprised, really. The last time the two of you hung out was just Joshua accompanying you to the library so that you wouldn’t have to return your books alone.

“Come on! I’ll buy you any snacks you want while we’re there. Besides, grocery shopping is fun.” Joshua continues to sip from his drink, somehow not surprised that you find restocking your food supply to be fun either.

“Well, more fun when you’re with someone at least.” You correct, and the blonde finally peeks at you, seeing the knowing smile on your face. He glances out the window, shrugging his shoulders in an attempt to appear indifferent. “As long as you buy me the snacks I want.”

“Of course, Joshua. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t buy you your favorite snacks?”

“No, not those snacks. Those are expensive.” Joshua just stares at you in silence, bag of chips in hand as he watches you reach out towards the off-brand version. You pick up the bag, holding it out towards the pretty man and waving it for good measure. “These are cheaper and taste the same. Trust me, Joshua.”

“You told me that you’d buy the snacks I wanted if I went grocery shopping with you.” Joshua mutters with a pout to his lips, and you simply flash him an apologetic smile as you toss the bag into the cart while taking the original one from his grasp and returning it. The blonde scoffs, nudging you with his shoulder, and you giggle as you walk off towards the next aisle. “Yes, but we’re on a budget here.” 

Joshua pushes the cart after you, listening contently as you explain what you’re missing at your apartment and what food you should make for dinner. His eyes follow your movements as you gesture with your hands, now explaining a story of how you almost set your toy kitchen on fire when you were younger. 

Your eyes twinkle underneath the fluorescent light, and your lips are turned upwards in a warm smile as you look back on the memory. Your voice is soft but cheerful as you tell him about the memory while throwing in some items into the cart, and Joshua finds that there’s a lump in his throat as he watches you giggle.

You turn your head to look at the blonde, just to find his pretty eyes staring at you with an indecipherable emotion in them. Feeling warmth flood your face from his stare, you look down at the cart to place the box of tea in your hands. 

“What’s on your mind?” You ask, proceeding to walk out of the aisle to go to the bread section. Joshua stays quiet for a moment, staring at your fingers peeking out of your sweater paws as your arms swing back and forth.

When you don’t hear a response, you move to glance back at him, only to pause when he pushes the cart forward so that he’s now walking right beside you. Joshua raises his hand up and fondly pats your head, making your eyes widen at the sweet gesture. 

You slowly turn towards him, just to find the smallest hint of a smile on his face. Warmth floods your face at the lovely sight, and you can’t help but feel slightly disappointed when Joshua’s hand falls back onto the cart handle. 

The two of you gaze into each other's eyes in silence for a moment, and you begin to wonder when that hint of a sparkle began to show in Joshua’s eyes over the last month of the two of you hanging out. He turns away when he feels the tips of his ears turn red, looking over towards the bread aisle. You watch as he takes a step forward with the cart as he suddenly says,

“Let’s get this bread.” 

You let out a loud laugh at the old meme, startled at the fact that Joshua even said that as you follow after him. 

As Joshua watches you choose the bread you want while also picking out some cookies for the two of you to share on the way to your apartment, he finds himself feeling content for the first time in a long time. 

“Hope you enjoy it.” Joshua says as he places the last dish onto the table, giving the customers a tight smile before walking back over to the register. He rests his head into his hands, grimacing at the oncoming migraine he knows will come later in the hour. 

He peeks through his fingers to look at the clock, seeing that he’s still on shift for another three hours. The blonde lets out a quiet groan, wondering if his boss has any aspirin he could possibly take.

The sound of the bells chiming from the door opening is what has him look up, trying to mask the pain from his headache as he stares towards the entrance. His eyes widen slightly when he sees you standing there, a bright smile on your face as you wave at the pretty man. 

“Yn?”

You quickly walk up towards Joshua, feeling happy that you were able to come visit him during his shift. You slam your hand on the counter that keeps the two of you separated, while raising ₩20,000 towards his face with your other. Joshua simply raises an eyebrow at you, wondering why you look so determined.

“I’ll have your favorite dish from here and for you to eat it with me during your break.” 

“Are you trying to buy me, yn? My favorite dish is only 7,000 won-” 

“Now don’t make me sound like a bad person! You should be grateful I’m buying us food—your favorite nonetheless.” You whine, and Joshua just chuckles at the pout to your lips. You squint when he doesn’t take the money from you, only for your mouth to drop open in protest when you see him pull out his card.

“Joshua!”

“I’ll pay for the meal. It’ll keep me safe since you wanted to buy me-”

“I did not!” You laugh, watching as the receipt comes out from the printer after he pays for the meal. He places his card back into his wallet, before motioning towards a booth near the wall. “Go sit down, I’ll let my boss know I’m going on my 30.” 

You nod your head, walking over to the booth and sitting down on the rather worn out cushions. While you wait for Joshua, you rest your head onto your arms over the table, closing your eyes. A sad smile forms on your face when you hear your heartbeat in your ears, a reminder that your time left here is dwindling. 

It’s been a month and a few days since you found out about your ill-fate on that cold, January night. 

However, you haven’t found yourself thinking about your inevitable doom as often as you thought you would. Instead, you’ve been spending your days hanging out with Joshua, and using your nights to plan out the next place the two of you should go to.

You don’t know when you decided to spend your last three months trying to help Joshua see the beauty in life.

But as you look up from the table and see his pretty eyes starting to sparkle at you when he places the food down onto the surface, the corners of his lips quirking upwards as he explains how his boss was teasing him,

You realize that you wouldn’t want to spend them any other way.

The two of you walk down the street side by side, taking sips of the sikhye you bought for the both of you to make up for the meal. The comfortable silence is settled over you guys like a blanket, not needing any words to be able to spend time with each other contently.

You take a peek at the beautiful man, suddenly noticing that the dark eye bags that once adorned his features have diminished significantly. The roots of his platinum hair are beginning to grow, but it seems like he doesn’t really care. 

You wouldn’t care if you looked like Joshua, either.

He’s too pretty.

“Who?” 

God fucking damn it.

You immediately look away from Joshua’s curious gaze, warmth flooding your face at the fact that you just blatantly announced that he was too pretty when the two of you were walking in a relatively comfortable silence. 

“Cha Eunwoo from Astro.” You lie, and the blonde nods his head in agreement after a moment, turning back to face the front. Silence falls over the two of you again, and you’re incredibly grateful that he didn’t ask more questions.

But you also find yourself a bit disappointed at the lack of them.

When the two of you end up at the front of your apartment building, you both turn towards each other to say your goodbyes. However, as the streetlight lays over Joshua’s blonde hair, almost mimicking the appearance of a halo, you realize you don’t really want the night to end.

“Thank you for visiting me at work, yn. Make sure to text me when you get into your apartment.” Joshua tells you with his soft voice. You hum in response, shifting from one foot to another. “Thank you for the food. I’ll try to visit more.” 

Joshua nods his head, raising his hand up to send you a tentative wave. “I’ll see you later, yn.” 

You smile softly, waving back at him as he turns around and starts to walk away. An internal battle goes on inside you as you try to figure out what you want to do, watching as his figure gets smaller as the distance grows between you.

Squeezing your eyes shut, you shout out:

“Do you wanna come in and watch a movie with me?!”

Joshua pauses at the question, like, physically and mentally freezes. His eyes are wide as he stares at the pavement, and he wonders why his heart is beating so fast in his chest at the question. There’s a small breeze that passes the both of you, and you bite your bottom lip.

The silence is deafening.

Joshua slowly turns to glance at you, and you feel your heart sink slightly at the shocked expression on his face. You’ve come to realize as the two of you look at each other, that you asking him to come in was a mistake. So you open your mouth to tell him he doesn’t have to,

“Okay.” Your mouth remains open at his answer, believing that you must’ve just imagined him agreeing to your suggestion. 

And so you respond, “Heh?”

Joshua huffs, walking over so that the two of you are only a foot apart. He squints at you, and you furrow your eyebrows in response to the expression on his face.

“Yes. I’ll come in and watch a movie with you.” 

“Oh.” 

The two of you stare at each other for another moment. With you just gauging what he said while Joshua stands in silence, amusement and shyness written across his features. 

You suddenly let out a gasp, the fact that he said yes now sinking in as you step over towards the entrance and slide your card so that the doors will open. Joshua chuckles at the obvious embarrassment on your face when the doors finally open and you gesture towards the inside of the lobby.

“Let’s go up.” You say with a tight smile, and the blonde nods his head, following after you as the doors shut behind the both of you. 

The way to your apartment is rather quiet, except for the quiet chuckles Joshua lets out whenever he glances at you and you having to elbow him in the stomach. 

When you finally unlock your door and the two of you step inside, you suddenly realize all of your medication that you have to hide. You turn to face Joshua as he slips off his shoes and steps into the pair of slippers you have for guests, and his beautiful eyes land on you, signaling that you have his attention.

“You can go and sit on the couch, I just need to tidy up a bit.” The blonde nods his head, watching as you scurry off to your bedroom, shutting the door behind you. He lets out a breath, before walking over towards the couch, gaze travelling around your cozy apartment. 

His eyes latch onto a framed photo on the table next to the couch, and he carefully picks it up, feeling warmth flood his chest at the sight. 

You’re standing underneath a fully bloomed cherry blossom tree, a bright smile on your face as you look at the camera. Your arms are lifted up towards the sky in excitement, a habit of yours that Joshua has noticed in the month that he’s known you. 

He gently places the photo back down onto the table when he hears your bedroom door open, and he looks over to see you now dressed in a set of strawberry pajamas. The sight is so precious to behold that Joshua lets out a soft smile, and your eyes widen when you see it.

He smiled. This is the first time you’ve seen him smile.

“Are my pajamas funny to you?” You squeak out in an attempt to not make him uncomfortable by mentioning his smile. Holding back from slapping yourself at your strange tone, you just watch as Joshua nods his head, an emotion akin to warmth flooding his beautiful eyes as he stares at you. 

“I expected nothing less from you, yn.” Joshua responds softly, and you find no sign of teasing in his voice. You cough into your shoulder, breaking the eye contact as soon as you feel heat rush up to your face. Reaching out towards the remote, you turn on the TV and point towards the couch. 

“Go sit and choose a movie, I’ll go and get us some snacks.” You tell the blonde, and he plops down onto the worn out sofa as you walk into your kitchen. His eyes trail after you for a moment, before he turns back to the TV and starts scrolling through your Netflix.

You come back a few minutes later with snacks in hand, just to smile at the movie he chose. Joshua glances towards you, quietly thanking you for the snacks as you settle down beside him, making sure to place a bit of distance between the two of you. 

“Have you watched this?” Joshua asks as he takes a bite of popcorn, and you nod your head, turning to him with a grin. “A Silent Voice is one of my favorite movies.” 

Joshua’s mouth drops open into an ‘o’ shape, before suggesting if you want to choose another movie. You shake your head, instead grabbing the remote from the table and pressing play. 

“You chose it, so we’re going to watch it.” You mumble, leaning back into the couch and taking a sip of your water. The blonde’s eyes linger on you as the opening of the movie plays, wondering how one person could be so kind, so bright. 

You feel Joshua’s eyes on you. You know that he’s staring at you. 

But you know that your heart would just go feral and your face would turn warm if you look back. So you blindly reach out towards him with your hand, turning his head to face the TV instead. You retract your hand afterwards, a small smile on your face as you notice Joshua shaking his head in disbelief at your actions.

“Watch the movie.” You mutter, warmth flooding your cheeks as you try to appear indifferent. The blonde takes another bite of popcorn before turning back towards the TV, trying to suppress his chuckles.

The two of you watch the movie in silence, except to offer each other snacks or to shit on one of the characters you each dislike. 

It’s nice. Joshua thinks to himself at one point, turning to glance at you when you giggle at a specific scene. He looks back at the TV, biting back a small smile from forming on his face, This is nice.

When the movie hits the 45 minute mark, Joshua finds that you haven’t been taking any sips of your water or stealing some pieces of his popcorn. He’s about to comment on one of the characters when he feels a weight slump onto his shoulder. 

“Yn?” Joshua asks quietly, turning his head to look down at you. Your eyes are closed, mouth slightly open as you release puffs of air. He lets out a smile when he realizes you fell asleep, reaching out and patting your head softly. 

“Silly.” He mumbles, before taking a glance at the clock and sees that it’s already midnight. The blonde carefully grabs the remote that sits on the table and turns off the TV, before moving the snacks and drinks off the couch to the best of his ability as he tries not to wake you up.

Once he’s done with that, he carefully settles you down onto the cushions so that you’re laying comfortably. He takes the throw blanket from the back of the couch and lays it over your body. Letting out a breath once he’s finished, he grins at the angelic expression on your face as you sleep peacefully.

“I’ll see you later, yn.” Joshua says softly, before turning around to walk towards your door. 

Except for the hand that grasps onto his own, preventing him from taking another step. 

He slowly turns to glance down at you, seeing you with your eyes still closed, hand holding onto his. Joshua makes a move to carefully release the grip you have on him, but freezes when you say in a soft voice,

“Stay.” 

Joshua stares at you, unsure of what to do as you continue to hold his hand. 

“You don’t want me to stay, yn.” Joshua mutters, an indecipherable feeling flooding him when your grip on his hand tightens a bit. 

“Stay with me, Joshua.” 

And so he does. 

He scoots you over on the couch, wondering whether or not he’s gonna fall to his inevitable doom during the middle of the night as the two of you can hardly fit on the small surface. Carefully, he lays onto his back, staring up at your ceiling as silence fills the room, the fuzzy throw blanket covering you both. 

You turn over so that you’re facing him, and your hand falls onto his stomach. The blonde just listens to the sound of your steady breathing, wondering how you fell asleep so fast as he feels himself beginning to become drowsy. After a few minutes, his eyes softly fall shut, breathing now matching your own.

Joshua finds that sleep comes easier tonight.

You’re seated on the bench, waiting for Joshua to arrive as you stare at the date on your phone.

february 17, 2021

Letting out a breath at the harsh reality check, you tap your shoe against the pavement, turning off your phone to look out towards the road.

You have a month and a half left. 

“When did time move so fast? Whenever I was in the hospital it moved so slow.” You mutter, a sad smile gracing your features as you look around at all the people walking past you. Turning your head, you suddenly lock eyes with those  deerlike eyes you’ve come to know. 

Your once sad smile turns into one of pure joy as you stand up from the bench, waving your hands excitedly as Joshua walks over to you. The blonde reaches out and pats your head in greeting once he’s a foot away, and you chuckle in response, ignoring the fact that your heart rate is a bit faster now.

“How were classes?” You ask as the two of you begin walking towards the cat café. Joshua mentioned in passing a week ago that he wanted to go to a cat café, so you set up a reservation for the two of you. 

The blonde purses his lips, realizing that he’s been enjoying attending classes a bit more as of recently. You gaze at him expectantly, grinning when Joshua simply just nods his head and looks back at you. “It was alright. I was excited thinking about the cat café though, so I’ll probably have to add some stuff to my notes later.” 

“I expected you to be more of a dog person, if I’m being honest.” You state, and Joshua looks back towards the front, letting out a small grin. 

“I am.” 

“Then what are we doing going to a cat café that I made reservations for a week prior?” 

The blonde shrugs his shoulders, turning to you with mirth filling his pretty eyes. He motions towards your phone, and you raise an eyebrow, raising it up so that the two of you can see it as it unlocks. Your mouth drops open when you see your homescreen, the photo of you and your old friend’s cat that was taken a couple years back, and all the pieces suddenly come together. 

“Joshua! Did you only say you wanted to go to a cat café because you knew I liked cats? That ruins the whole purpose of this-” 

Joshua cuts you off by simply holding open the door to the cat café, and you blink in a state of stunned silence, having not realized that the two of you have already arrived. He chuckles, “I’m a dog person, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like cats. I’ve always wanted to go to one, so hurry up and go in.”

Pursing your lips, you walk into the café, but not without poking the middle of Joshua’s stomach as you do so, letting out a satisfied grin at the sound of his quiet squeak. Your mouth immediately drops open when a black and white cat snuggles up to your legs, and you kneel down, petting the soft fur as you let out inaudible excited sounds. 

Joshua lets the door close behind him, the sound of the bells attached to the door letting out a little ring throughout the café. He glances down, seeing you happily petting the cats before the two of you have even ordered. 

“Yn, I’ll go order for us.” Joshua tells you, and you simply nod your head without a verbal response, still softly squealing as more cats walk up to you. The blonde lets out a breath, shaking his head with the hint of a smile on his face as he heads over to the register to place your guys’ order.

You regretfully stand up from the floor, hoping the cats will follow you as you walk over to the table you reserved. You sit down in the booth, watching as Joshua converses with the employee as he orders the food and drinks. 

Resting your chin on the palm of your hand, you smile fondly when Joshua glances around to find you. Your heart warms when his eyes finally land on you, a grin forming on his face as he walks over to you. 

“There was a cat laying on the table behind the employee at the register. He was so cute, I hope he comes over to our table.” Joshua tells you as soon as he sits down into the seat across from you, placing the receipt onto the wooden surface. You open your mouth to respond, only to let out a quiet squeal when a cat jumps onto the empty space beside you. 

“Hi pretty!” You greet, sparkles in your eyes as the cat nuzzles against your hand, asking for more pets. Joshua smiles at the sight, unlocking his phone and taking a photo of you happily petting the tabby cat. The sound of the camera shutter catches your attention, and you turn to glance at the source, seeing Joshua smiling fondly down at his phone screen. 

“Did you take a photo of me playing with the beautiful cat?” You ask with a teasing grin on your face, not expecting an answer from the pretty man. You stroke the cat’s head fondly, only for your hand to stutter when Joshua says, 

“You looked cute.” 

A brief moment of silence passes between you, with Joshua staring at his phone, and you listening to your heart beat against your ears as warmth floods your face. Your brain tries to formulate a response, but it can only form inaudible screeching noises. So instead, you turn your head to glance at the blonde, only for your eyes to widen when you see a fluffy grey cat trying to get his attention.

“Joshua!” 

“What?” He asks, looking up at you when he hears the urgency in your tone. You point towards the cat sitting patiently beside his chair, and Joshua furrows his eyebrows in confusion, turning to where you pointed, only for his eyes to widen when he locks eyes with the cat.

“You followed me from the register!” Joshua exclaims in a soft voice, reaching down to pick up the cat. You let out a bright smile as Joshua coos at the precious animal, petting the cat softly as his eyes sparkle with joy.

“Yn, this is the cat I wanted to show you.” He tells you, letting out a soft chuckle when the cat nuzzles his head into Joshua’s chest. You nod your head, about to respond when the waitress walks up to your guys’ table and begins to place your order down onto the surface. 

“Thank you so much!” You say, and the waitress gives you a smile, bowing her head in response. She makes a move to leave, only to stop when she sees you and Joshua continue to play with the cats that stayed near you both. 

“Would you like me to take a photo of the two of you?” You and Joshua pause, both turning to glance at the waitress as she stands by your table, a knowing smile on her face. 

You and Joshua don’t have a single photo together in the month and a half that you’ve known each other. You’re not sure how he feels about his photo being taken, as he’s usually the one behind the camera rather than in front of it when the two of you are together.

Taking a peek at Joshua to see his reaction, you notice the indecipherable look on his face, and that’s how you know his answer. You give the waitress a small smile, moving to open your mouth when you see Joshua’s hand outstretched towards her through your peripheral vision. 

You turn your head to look at him, only to see that he’s giving her a grin, phone in hand as he nods his head. “That’d be nice, thank you.” 

Joshua lifts up the cat in his lap and stands up from his chair, taking a step forward and sitting down in the booth beside you. You continue to stare at him in silence, the slight shock evident on your features when he finally turns to glance at you. He gives you a soft smile, before pointing towards the waitress preparing to take your guys’ photo. 

“Say cheese!” She says, but you continue to stare at Joshua, watching as he smiles at the camera, raising the cat’s paw as if he’s saying hello. Warmth floods your heart as you turn towards the camera, a bright smile on your face as you hold up your cat’s paw as well, matching Joshua’s pose.

As you lay in bed hours later, you turn your head towards your bedside table when you hear the vibration of your phone. Reaching out, you pick up the cool metal, seeing a few messages from Joshua.

joshushushu: [attachment 4 images] 

thank you for taking me to the cat café :3

i think you’re some sort of cat whisperer based on how many cats came up to our table lol

it’s late, so you’re probably asleep

i’ll text you in the morning ^^

sweet dreams, yn

You tap on the images Joshua sent, and you let out a smile when you see the first photo is of you smiling happily down at the tabby cat, softly petting her head. Downloading the image, your thumb swipes across the screen, and you feel warmth flood your face at the fact that it’s the photo of the two of you. Except you’re not staring at the camera.

You’re staring at Joshua.

There’s a fond smile on your face, eyes sparkling brightly at him as he smiles at the camera, seemingly having no idea of the fact that you’re staring at him rather than the camera. Biting the inside of your cheek, you download the image and swipe to the left, now seeing the photo of both you and Joshua smiling at the camera, a cat paw in hand as you each make them wave for the photo. 

You download the photo before swiping to the left one more time, and your breath hitches when you lay eyes on the image.

You’re laughing happily down at the tabby cat who was protesting the grabbing of the paws for the photo, not paying attention to posing anymore. While Joshua is now staring at you, the softest of smiles on his face as he watches you laugh with the cat. 

You let out a shaky breath, zooming into the photo and seeing that he really is looking at you. 

He’s looking at you as if you’re the most precious thing in the world.

You download the image, a small smile on your face as you go to your settings and replace the homescreen you’ve had for the last two years, exiting the app to now see the photo of you and Joshua as your wallpaper. The warmth from the photo covers you like a blanket, and you turn off your phone, placing it back down onto your bedside table. 

You roll over onto your side and close your eyes, ignoring the harsh reality check that’s looming in the back of your mind in order to try and retain that happy feeling.

You fall asleep with lingering thoughts of pretty cats and Joshua Hong’s smile.

“Thank you, have a good rest of your day.” Joshua says warmly as he hands the to-go bag to the customer. She gives him a smile, reaching into her pocket to take out ₩15,000 and place it onto the table. The blonde’s eyes widen slightly, and he looks back up at her in a stunned silence, as if to ask if she really means it. 

The woman nods her head, “You deserve it. Thank you for the food.” 

Joshua watches as she leaves the restaurant, still shocked as he watches her figure disappear out the door. He glances back down at the ₩15,000, reaching out and picking it up from the counter, eyeing the money for a moment. 

“I’ve been working here for six months.” Joshua mutters quietly, taking the ₩15,000 and placing it into his apron. He lets out a grateful smile, grabbing the spray bottle and towel to go and clean some tables. 

It was the first tip he’s ever received.

“See you on Friday!” Joshua calls out as he pushes back the curtain to exit the kitchen, only to stop and turn back when he hears his boss call out to him. The older man walks over to Joshua, grinning and resting a hand on the blonde’s shoulder. 

“I just wanted to tell you that you look great lately.” Joshua raises an eyebrow, wondering what could’ve changed. He does a onceover of his own appearance, and his boss lets out a laugh, shaking his head. 

“I mean you in general. You look happier, brighter even. I’m happy for you.” Joshua blinks in surprise, before letting out a small smile. He bows his head as his thanks, and his boss pats his shoulder once more and turns around to walk back towards his office. 

Joshua lets out a breath, before closing the curtain behind him and walking over towards the exit. He tilts his head, “How does a person look happy?” 

He pushes open the doors and moves to step out from under the cover, only to pause when he registers the rain falling onto the road. He sighs, glancing down at his empty hands, cursing himself for not bringing an umbrella. 

“Guess I have to sprint-”

“Joshua!” The blonde’s eyebrows furrow at the voice, and he looks up, seeing you hurrying over with a bright yellow umbrella. It’s a stark contrast to the rather gloomy atmosphere and all the black umbrellas around you. His heart rate picks up at the sight of your smile, watching as you make your way over until you’re standing a couple feet away from him.

“How’d you know I forgot my umbrella?” Joshua asks teasingly as you hand him the yellow umbrella, taking it from your grasp and holding it over the two of you as you begin to walk down the sidewalk. 

“Had an intuition.” You answer with a grin, and he rolls his eyes. The two of you update each other on how your days were, chuckles exchanged as you explain how you made the best kimchi fried rice of your life. 

“You should make it for me sometime.” Joshua says, and you peek at him, smiling and nodding your head. 

“Of course, Joshua.” 

The two of you fall into a comfortable silence, walking close beside each other in order to fit under your small umbrella. It’s when you’re close to Joshua’s apartment, and the streets are relatively quiet, that Joshua glances over and notices your hand sticking out of the umbrella. He watches in silence as you let the rain hit your skin, moving your hand as if it were a wave in the ocean.

“Your hand is getting wet.” Joshua points out, and you pause, turning to him as warmth rushes to your face at the fact that he caught you. You give him a bashful smile, nodding your head as you let your arm fall back to your side. “Yeah.” 

“Why?” You notice that he looks genuine, there’s no teasing tone in his voice, no mirth in his gaze as he stares at you. He just wants to know why you were letting your own arm get wet. You break the eye contact, looking down at the ground as the two of you continue to walk. 

“I just realized I’ve never played in the rain before.” 

Joshua stares at you for a moment longer, having not seen you so shy about something you wanted to do before. He lets out a breath, turning away as he reaches up and closes the yellow umbrella, promptly removing the shield that had been protecting the two of you from the rain.

Your eyes widen as you feel the rain hit you, and you turn your head, seeing Joshua place your umbrella down on the sidewalk. He looks back towards you, raising an eyebrow when he sees the shocked expression on your face. 

Joshua simply just closes his eyes and tilts his head up towards the sky, outstretching his arms as he feels the rain soak his clothes. That’s all you need to see for a smile to finally form on your face, and you let out a laugh, raising your arms into the air and spinning around. 

Joshua opens his eyes when he hears your laugh, and he looks over at you—only to feel his breath get taken away. The rain falls softly from the sky, landing on you as you laugh happily, a bright smile on your face. Time seems to slow down as he stares at you, heart stuttering in his chest as he watches you spin around, pure joy radiating from your features. 

He’s reminded of the first time the two of you met on the Banpo bridge almost two months ago, when you told him that life was beautiful and he didn’t understand how you could see it that way.

“I wish I could see it like you do.” Joshua mutters, and you look over at him, finding that he’s still staring up at the sky. His breath is visible due to the cold temperatures, and you watch as he lets out a sigh. He turns towards you, giving you a heartbreaking smile, “Life hasn’t been kind to me.” 

As Joshua watches you dance in the rain, he realizes that he finally understands what you mean. 

Life is beautiful.

You lay in bed, still shivering even after having taken a hot shower as soon as you finished dancing in the rain with Joshua a couple hours prior. With a shaking hand, you pull up the comforter closer to your chin, wondering when you’ve become so frail, weak you should say.

“At least Joshua hasn’t noticed anything.” You mumble, knowing that your time left is short as you’ve been feeling more tired as the days go by. Rolling over, you look out the window to try and get sleepy, seeing the moon staring back at you. 

Your hand slips out of the covers, reaching out and grasping the air as you tried to reach for the moon. Letting your arm fall back onto the bed, you let out a breath.

You always wondered if you’d ever be able to reach the moon and the stars when you were younger. 

“Yn?” Turning your head, you see Joshua standing by the door to his bedroom. His blonde hair falls softly over his forehead, almost hiding his pretty eyes from sight. You watch as he walks over, reaching out and resting his hand over your head when he notices you shivering. 

“Do you want another blanket? You’re shivering.” Giving him a soft smile, you shake your head as you simply pull the comforter up more. 

“Why are you still awake?” You ask, and he stares at you for a moment. 

The corner of his lips quirk upwards, “I should be asking you the same thing.” 

“Touché.”

Joshua chuckles, patting your head fondly before pointing back towards the bedroom door. You peek through the doorway, seeing his dark living room. “I’ll go back to the couch. I just wanted to check on you.” 

It’s when he’s about to leave that you reach out and grasp his wrist softly, promptly stopping him from taking another step. He turns to look back at you, seeing the same shy look on your face that he saw earlier. 

He’s reminded of the night where the two of you slept on the couch a few weeks prior, having experienced this exact scenario before. 

“Mm?” You bite the inside of your cheek, not wanting to respond. Instead, you weakly pull him towards you, and he takes a few steps towards your bedside. 

The two of you stare at each other for a moment in silence, numerous questions flooding your guys’ brain as you do so. However, you can only bring yourself to mutter out one word.

“Stay.” 

Joshua’s stare doesn’t waver, and you feel yourself growing more embarrassed the longer you wait for his response. You fully believe that he’s going to say no with the way he doesn’t hold your hand in return, and your belief comes true when he lets your hand fall back to the bed. 

It shouldn’t hurt. You know that you shouldn’t have gotten attached to him, or let him become so close to you. 

You’re going to die anyways.

Joshua turning down your request is for the best. It means there are still barriers between the two of you, that the last time you woke up with his arms wrapped around you was just a moment of weakness. That it won’t happen again.

The regret pools in your heart as you watch him turn and walk away, and you wonder whether or not you should apologize for even asking him in the first place.

Only for your eyes to widen when you see him walk to the other side of the bed, pulling up the comforter and climbing in. He arranges his pillows, before laying down and turning over onto his side, now facing you. 

You stare at him in shock, and he squints at you in amusement. The blonde reaches out and pokes your forehead, snapping you out of your surprised state. He chuckles, “You asked me to stay, so I’m staying.” 

A smile finally makes its way onto your face, and Joshua lets out a breath at the sight. The moonlight rests over you, illuminating your features beautifully, even in his dark bedroom. He feels himself smile back at you, eyes softening with fondness as he stares at you.

You tentatively reach your hand out, trying your best to hide the shakiness to it as you let it rest on Joshua’s cheek. He doesn’t seem unphased from the touch, he just continues to stare into your eyes as the look on your face softens.

“You look best when you’re happy.” You say quietly, and the blonde doesn’t respond. You watch as tears slowly fill his eyes, and your eyebrows furrow. You’ve never seen Joshua cry, not once in the time you’ve known him. Unexpectedly, Joshua’s hand comes out from under the covers and rests over yours, encompassing your cold hand in warmth. 

“I want to be a better person for you.” Joshua mutters, blinking away the tears as he tries to look at anything else in his room. You shake your head, your own heart breaking within your chest at how vulnerable he looks. You swipe away the tears from under his eye, and his eyes flit back to you, watching as a soft smile forms on your face. 

“You… you have always been more than enough, Joshua.” 

The blonde lets out a breath at your response, before his eyes softly fall shut. Your heart is warm within your chest as you let your eyes linger on him for a moment longer, his hand still resting over your own as he tries to fall asleep. 

Your gaze trails over back towards the window, seeing how bright the moon and millions of stars are in the dark sky. 

You may not have reached the moon and the stars like you originally wanted.

You look back towards Joshua, content washing over you when you listen to his steady breathing, seeing that he’s already fast asleep. You remove yours and Joshua’s hand from his cheek, letting it rest onto the mattress. A smile escapes you when you feel his hand tighten softly around yours in his sleep. After a moment, your eyes slowly fall shut with Joshua being the one to keep you warm, hand holding your own as the two of you fall asleep facing each other.

But you’ve reached the sun, and that’s more than enough.

You stare at your medicine, wondering if you should even take it when you don’t have much time left. Shaking your head, you let out an aggravated sigh, taking out the pill and dry-swallowing it. 

You immediately regret dry-swallowing the large pill as you grab your glass of water, taking a large gulp to try and swallow it properly. Letting out a cough, you walk over to your fridge, not even feeling hungry as you stare at the food in it. 

march 18, 2021

It’s been two months. 

Your time is running out.

You’re about to grab a small container of yogurt when you hear your phone go off, and you glance over to see the screen lit up. Closing your fridge door, you walk back over to the counter and pick up your phone, a grin immediately forming on your face when you see that Joshua texted you.

joshushushu: be ready at 8 later, i’ll come pick you up !

you: so you’re the one planning now, huh? 

since when were you coming for my career

joshushushu: you’re just jealous cause i’m better at it

you: take that BACK.

joshushushu: see you at 8 <3

you: JOSHUA

You chuckle, turning off your phone and looking back towards your refrigerator. Letting out a sigh, you walk over and take out the yogurt, grabbing a spoon and dipping into the snack. You quietly eat the yogurt as you walk over to your living room window, staring out at the city. 

The skies are blue, a contrast to the cloudy days Seoul had for the last couple of weeks. Your eyes follow the birds that fly past your window, watching as they get smaller and smaller the farther they go. You let out a sigh, taking another spoonful of yogurt.

“What a beautiful day.” 

“Are you okay?” You turn your head to glance at Joshua, seeing the look of concern on his face as he looks at you. Giving him a smile, you nod your head, reaching up and rubbing the back of your neck as you look out the window of the bus.

“I’m okay, just tired.” The feeling of Joshua’s eyes on your side profile remains, and you hope that he doesn’t question it anymore. The blonde simply smiles, patting the top of your head fondly. “You can sleep, yn. I’ll wake you up when we get there.” 

You bite the inside of your cheek at his kindness, and nod in response. You rest your head against the window and close your eyes, ignoring the rumbling from the bumpy road. 

A few minutes pass of Joshua scrolling through his phone when he sees your head moving out of the corner of his eye. He looks at you, seeing your head bumping against the window whenever the bus drives over a pothole in the road, somehow still fast asleep.

Joshua reaches out and softly grasps your head, pulling you over so that you’re now resting on his shoulder. He stares at your sleeping face for a moment longer, finding that you look at peace as you sleep. 

“Pretty.” Joshua mutters, before looking out towards the window for the rest of the way.

It’s only half an hour later when you feel a hand gently shaking your shoulder, and Joshua’s soft voice telling you to wake up. Groggily, you open your eyes and sit up in the seat, scratching your head. You turn and look up to find Joshua standing up from the bus seat, throwing his bag over his shoulder. He lets out a giggle at how sleepy you look, “Come on. We’re here.” 

Turning towards the window, you see the Han River glimmering back at you. Raising an eyebrow, you stand up from the seat and look at Joshua, who’s just giving you a close-lipped smile. He extends his hand out towards you, and you stare at it.

After a moment, you reach out, feeling his warm hand encompass your cold one. He grins, giving your hand a squeeze before turning and guiding you off the bus. The two of you walk in silence as he leads you towards the top of a hill, but it soon becomes hard to breathe. 

“J-Joshua.” You wheeze out, and the blonde pauses, turning to see you doubled over. 

“Are you okay? Do you want to take a break here?” You don’t respond, instead trying to catch your breath as you hold onto Joshua’s hand like a lifeline. His eyebrows furrow, and he squats so that he can look into your eyes, watching as you begin to breathe properly again.

“Yn.” 

“Mm?” 

“We gotta work on your endurance.” Joshua jokes, and you let out a laugh, reaching out and slapping his shoulder as you stand up straight. He giggles, feeling relieved that you’ve caught your breath. He gives your hand a squeeze when he gets up from his squatting position, and you look at him. “Ready?” 

You nod your head, squeezing his hand in return, “Ready.” 

Joshua smiles, leading you towards the top of the hill once again. He makes sure to keep glancing back at you and even slows his pace as a means for you to not get exhausted again. 

When the two of you finally reach the top of the hill, he lets go of your hand, and you pout at the loss of warmth. You’re about to ask why he brought you here, only to stop when you see him unzip his bag, pulling out a picnic blanket and laying it onto the cold grass. 

“A picnic? At 9 pm?” You ask, only for Joshua not to respond as he just slips off his shoes and lays down onto the checkered blanket. You smile in amusement, tilting your head as you wonder what he’s doing. 

Joshua lets out an exasperated sigh, reaching out and patting the empty space beside him on the blanket. Pursing your lips, you slowly slip off your sneakers and climb onto the blanket, carefully laying on your back. Your head is turned to him, and you’re about to ask what now? Only for Joshua to gently grasp your chin, turning you away until you look up towards the sky and-

Wow. 

The millions of stars are shining brighter than you’ve ever seen. It was as if someone gathered a handful of sparkles and scattered them across the wide expanse of the dark sky, bringing light to unappreciative eyes. 

Joshua turns his head to see your reaction, and he smiles at the bright look to your eyes, your mouth being dropped open slightly in awe. 

He knew of your fascination with the sky ever since the two of you met on Banpo bridge. From the way your eyes sparkled at the sight of the moonlight reflecting across the river, to the content smile that would make its way onto your face whenever you’d look up towards the moon.

And so, whenever he would finish his evening classes at university, he’d take the bus to different parks and look for the spot that had the best sight of the sky at night.

Joshua wanted you to be able to reach the stars. 

“Do you like it?” You turn towards the pretty blonde, seeing the slight apprehension on his face in fear that you won’t be happy with his surprise for you. You watch as it melts away from the sight of your bright smile, and a breath of relief escapes him. 

“I love it.” 

The two of you turn back towards the sky, pointing at different constellations and talking about which star shines the brightest among the millions you can see. You let out a laugh when Joshua mistakenly points out lights from a plane as a shooting star, and he rolls his eyes, but the fond smile on his face tells you that he’s anything but annoyed. 

The two of you fall into a comfortable silence afterwards, just appreciating the beautiful sky. You feel warm, even though you’re in this cold weather, you somehow feel warm just by being with Joshua. The bright stars shine down at you, and you slowly raise your arm up to the sky.

Joshua’s eyes follow your hand, watching as it grasps at the air. His gaze trails down to your face, seeing you stare up at the stars with an indecipherable emotion in your eyes. He turns away, and your arm falls back down to your side. 

“What’s something you want to do with me?” Joshua asks, breaking the comfortable silence. You purse your lips, finding the question hard as you wonder how you could even answer this. 

You want to do everything with him.

You want to go to a karaoke place with him, go bowling, go to an amusement park and eat all the festival food. Watch a movie, play in the snow and build a snowman. Go to the beach and make sand castles, go grocery shopping, visit him at work. Go to uni with him, go on a walk, talk about your day, make him kimchi fried rice. Everything. 

You want to do everything with Joshua. 

Letting out a shaky breath, your eyes trail over to the trees down the hill, lined up on the sides of the pathway. You stare at the unbloomed buds, already seeing the beautiful flowers in the back of your mind that you know you won’t be here in time to see.

“Cherry blossoms.” You utter, and the blonde turns to you.

“Hm?”

“I want to see the cherry blossoms with you.” Joshua lets out an, ah, a smile forming on his face at the thought of seeing the beautiful pink flowers with you. He looks back up towards the stars, “Cherry blossoms were always my favorite flower.” 

You listen to Joshua’s soft voice, holding onto every word as you stare down at the unbloomed trees. The blonde lets out a breathless chuckle. “April was my favorite month because that’s when the cherry blossoms would bloom, but I stopped being excited for them a couple years back.” 

Joshua grins, heart growing warm in his chest when he thinks of you spinning around excitedly underneath the cherry blossom trees, the pink petals softly falling around you. 

“But I’m excited to see them with you, yn.” 

Your heart wavers in your chest at Joshua’s sweet words, and you clench your fist at your side. Tears fill your eyes as you look away from the unbloomed cherry blossom trees, gaze trailing back up towards the stars. A tear escapes your left eye as you choke out, 

“I’m excited to see them with you too, Joshua.” 

Laying in bed, you stare up at the ceiling tiredly, having lost almost all your energy a week ago. You roll over and look at your phone, watching as the screen lights up.

march 23, 2021

You let out a shaky breath, knowing that you should admit yourself to the hospital within a few days. However,

You open up your messaging app, tapping on your conversation with Joshua.

you: joshuaaa 

be ready at 2 ! i prepared a fun day for us :)

joshushushu: does it involve you paying for our meal? 

you: capitalism is the root of all evil.

but yes. yes it does.

joshushushu: okay epic, i’m in.

i’ll see you later ^^

you: see you <3

Turning off your phone, you take in a deep breath, before slowly climbing out of bed. The exhaustion weighs over you like a blanket, but you push yourself to make it to the bathroom to shower.

You need to get ready to spend one last day with Joshua.

Sitting on the bench at the bus stop, you stare down at your sneakers as you wait for the pretty blonde to show up. It took you a while to get to the bus stop, as you felt even more exhausted by the time you stepped out of your apartment complex. You took your medicine and attempted to eat some food, but to no avail. 

The sunlight that was once shining down onto you suddenly disappears as you were thinking to yourself, and you look up to see Joshua grinning down at you. 

“What did you plan for today? Grocery shopping?” He asks, and you roll your eyes, standing up when you notice the bus heading your way. Nudging his shoulder, you answer, “No, something better than restocking my food and cleaning supplies.” 

Joshua lets out a mock gasp, making you giggle as the two of you climb onto the bus. You sit down in the window seat, the pretty man following soon after and continuing what he was saying. 

“Better than following you around the grocery store while pushing a cart for an hour? No such thing.” You laugh, slapping his leg and shaking your head at him. He grins, reaching up and patting the top of your head fondly. 

“I’m kidding. Doing anything with you brightens my day either way.” Joshua confesses, and you freeze slightly, before regaining your composure. Giving him a tight smile, you turn and glance out the window, watching as the world passes by. Cars filled with people going to wherever it is they’re going, people waiting on the crosswalks to cross the street, children screaming and playing on the playgrounds.

The world is roaring with life. 

“I’m happy for them.” You whisper, before closing your eyes. 

“Yn, you shouldn’t have.” Joshua says when you lead him towards the entrance of a dog café. You grin, shrugging your shoulders as you muster enough strength to pull open the door. “You’re a dog person. I am simply returning the favor.” 

The blonde chuckles, stepping into the café with you following after him. You reach up and hold your bicep, lightly rubbing the area as it feels a bit strained. Your arm immediately falls back to your side when Joshua stops and turns to glance at you, wondering why you’re behind him. 

He lets out a fond smile, reaching his hand out towards you. “Come on, let’s go see the dogs.” 

Your eyes slowly trail down to his hand, warm and inviting. A stark contrast to what yours have become, cold and lonely. You look back up at Joshua’s face, seeing him tilt his head at you, waiting for you to grasp his hand. 

He watches as an indecipherable emotion passes your eyes, before you let out a smile and walk up to him, intertwining your fingers with his. He grins, and the two of you walk further into the café, only to be greeted by a golden retriever. 

Your eyes widen in surprise at the beautiful dog, and you’re about to bend down to pet it—only to stop once the sound of Joshua’s happy laugh rings in your ears. You turn to look at him, finding him patting the dog’s head with a bright smile on his face. 

“Come on puppy, yn and I have to go order our food.” Joshua says softly, before leading you towards the register. You let out a happy squeal when you see all the other dogs roaming around the tables, feeling excited to play with all of them. 

You and Joshua tell the employee what you’d both like to order as a few dogs come to stand beside the two of you. When you’re told the price, you reach into your bag with your free hand to pull out your wallet, only for your mouth to drop open when you see Joshua already handing the employee his card. 

“Joshua! I wanted to pay for us.” You whine, and he simply squeezes your hand with an accomplished grin on his face. He thanks the employee once he’s handed back his card along with the receipt, before turning to face you. 

“You’re just too slow~” Joshua teases, and you squint. You open your mouth to start complaining more, only to pause when you hear the employee’s voice ring out. 

“Sorry to interrupt, but if you’d like, we have a photobooth that you both could go take pictures in.” They tell you with a shy smile, pointing towards the back of the café where the photobooth is, and your eyes brighten at the idea. 

“Thank you so much!” You say, before pulling Joshua in the direction of the photobooth, your free hand already holding your wallet so that you can pay for it. 

“Yn-” You immediately shove your card into the reader when the two of you step into the small box, closing the black curtain. The blonde chuckles at your determination, and you smile as you pull out your card once the payment is accepted.

“How should we pose?” Joshua asks, and you shrug as you watch the timer start to count down. 

“You just gotta feel it.” 

“That’s not helpful at all.” 

“Just follow my lead.” You say with a laugh, and he grins in amusement, turning back towards the screen. The two of you lean your heads closer to each other, and you wink while Joshua simply smiles as the first photo is captured. 

This continues for the next three photos, with the two of you laughing and doing different poses for the photostrip. You both climb out of the small box, waiting for the two photostrips to be printed as you talk about how silly you each must look.

“Ah, they’re printed.” You say once the two photostrips fall out, and you grab them both. You hand one to Joshua, and you hear him let out a small giggle. 

You stare at the photostrip quietly, gauging the photos. Warmth floods your chest at the third panel in particular, and you let out a breath.

This was when the two of you missed the countdown as you were both facing each other and laughing. Joshua’s eyes are bright and filled with warmth, a smile on his face as he looks at you in the photo. Then there’s you, mid-laugh, nothing but joy over your features.

“Wow.” You breathe out, and Joshua chuckles at your reaction, nudging you with his shoulder. You blink, looking away from the photostrip and redirecting your attention towards the blonde. “Mm?”

He points towards the table in the corner, where quite a few dogs are resting around. “Let’s go sit there.” 

You bite back a laugh, knowing exactly why he wants to sit at that exact spot. Nodding your head, you grin when you see his features brighten, and the two of you walk towards the table. The dogs perk up at your guys’ arrival, almost all of them going around Joshua as the two of you sit across from each other.

“So cute!” Joshua exclaims, a big smile on his face when the golden retriever from earlier rests its paws on Joshua’s chair, licking his face excitedly. The corners of your lips quirk up, and you take out your phone, opening the camera app. 

You watch as Joshua grins, petting the golden retriever to try and calm them down as they continue to attempt to lick his face. Tilting your head, you take the photo right as Joshua breaks out into laughter. 

You lower the phone from your face when Joshua turns towards you from the sound of the camera shutter, and he lets out a grin when his gaze trails over to your left hand side.

“So busy ogling me that you didn’t even notice the cute puppy waiting for your attention.” Your eyebrows furrow at Joshua’s sentence, and you turn your head to the left, expecting nothing, only for your eyes to widen when you see the precious corgi sitting beside you in the booth, tail wagging as they stare at you. 

“Oh my God. Hi baby!” You coo, reaching out and finally giving the attention the corgi had been wanting from you. The corgi licks your wrist, and you giggle, petting their back as you turn to shoot a glare towards the blonde. He raises an eyebrow at the squint to your eyes, and he tilts his head in question.

“I was not ogling you!” You exclaim, and Joshua lets out an angelic laugh that makes your heart do a somersault within your chest. A sheepish smile forms on your face, destroying the “angry” persona you were trying to put on.

“Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge.”

“Joshua!” You laugh, and he laughs along with you. 

Your guys’ laughter rings throughout the café for the rest of the afternoon, pure happiness exuding from the two of you.

“Oh sikhye, how you never fail me.” You say lovingly to the drink in your hand. Joshua simply chuckles at your antics, taking a sip of his own sikhye as the two of you walk on the sidewalk towards the bridge. 

“Thank you for taking me to the dog café, I had a lot of fun.” Joshua tells you, and you nod your head, a smile forming on your face when you remember how many dogs had been around your table. 

“You’re like a dog magnet, while I’m a cat magnet.” You point out, and the blonde purses his lips in thought, before nodding his head in agreement. “That makes sense.” 

The two of you fall into a comfortable silence as you make your way onto the bridge, the sounds of the cars driving past you both filling the quiet.

“I feel like you could be a catboy, though.” Joshua accidentally snorts his sikhye at your abrupt comment, and you burst out into laughter as he doubles over, coughing up the drink. Patting his back, you wait for him to calm down as he slowly stands back up to his full height, taking deep breaths. 

“A catboy?”

“I cannot believe me calling you a catboy made you snort your drink.” You say, the corners of your mouth twitching as you try to hold back from smiling. The blonde catches this though, and he reaches out and pinches your cheek. 

“Hey!” 

Joshua smiles at your reaction, feeling satisfied that he got his payback after you made him snort his rice drink. He’s about to ask why you think he’s a catboy when he notices you walking up to the railing of the bridge.

You rest your hand onto the cold railing, staring out at the sight laid before you. The skies are painted in various shades of pink, blue, and purple. The sun is setting in the distance, the dark orange reflecting off the Han River, making the water glimmer. 

“It’s…”

“Beautiful.” Joshua finishes, and you turn to him, seeing the sparkle to his eyes as he stares at the scenery. You’re reminded of the cold January night where you met him over two months ago. 

His eye bags are practically gone and the hunch to his shoulders are now replaced with confidence. His features are glowing, looking healthy in comparison to before, but it’s his eyes that have changed the most. His eyes no longer appear exhausted as he turns to look at you, now replaced with something along the lines of content.

“We met on this bridge over two months ago.” You state, and Joshua doesn’t respond. He looks back out towards the water, resting his forearms onto the railing as the thought of that night comes to mind. You follow suit, taking a sip of your sikhye as the two of you stare at the scenery in silence, the memories the two of you made over the last two months playing in your head. 

“You know when I said I couldn’t see life as something beautiful? And that it wasn’t kind to me?” Joshua asks after a moment, and you nod your head, the memory fresh in your mind.

He lets out a breath, “Two months ago, life was so hard for me that I couldn’t even think of trying anymore. So I didn’t understand what you meant when you said that life was beautiful.” 

Your hand squeezes the railing, but you don’t turn to look at Joshua. You know that he wouldn’t want you to look at him as he addresses what he didn’t want to even mention for the last two months. 

Joshua glances at you, the sunset no longer capturing his attention. A small smile escapes him as he stares at you, heart warm within his chest. 

“I understand what you mean now.” You turn to look at him, immediately locking eyes with the ethereal man. The small smile on his face turns into a full one when he stares into your bright eyes, feeling happy just by being with you. 

Joshua turns away, looking back out towards the sunset. Your heart swells with warmth and heartbreak when you hear him say,

“Life is beautiful.” 

You don’t respond right away as you struggle to hold back the tears from escaping. Your eyes remain on the scenery laid before you, doing your best to control your breathing as you watch the sun set below the city. 

Letting out a breath, you feel Joshua turn to look at you with his soft eyes. 

Joshua’s happy, so you’re happy. 

You turn your body towards Joshua and give him a tight smile as you raise your arms into the air. The blonde grins, reaching out and taking the sikhye from your hand when he notices some of its contents spill onto the pavement from your gesture. You giggle at your clumsiness, and he just shakes his head. 

“What would you do without me?” Joshua asks with a smile, and you shrug your shoulders, turning and beginning to walk in the direction of the bus stop. He tilts his head at you, and he watches as you turn and glance at him with a smile. 

“I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now!” You answer, turning away before you get the chance to see Joshua’s reaction. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you swing your arms as you walk, suddenly wishing you had your sikhye in your hand. 

The sound of running footsteps makes you glance back, only to let out a loud laugh when Joshua’s arm suddenly wraps around your shoulders, the sound of his giggles ringing in your ear. He holds out the drink in your direction, and you grin, taking it from his grasp.

As you take a sip of the sweet rice drink, you let out a sigh. You take a peek at Joshua, finding the hint of a smile on his face as he drinks his own beverage in his other hand. He notices your eyes on him, and he looks at you, a warm expression forming on his face. He leans in and gently nudges your head with his, before turning back towards the front. 

It’s as if all the sadness, anger, and pain melts away from the fond gesture. A shy smile breaks out onto your face as you turn away, letting out a sigh of content.

“Ah, what a beautiful day.”

Joshua glances down at his phone while he waits in the elevator as it goes up to the eighth floor, the floor in which your apartment resides.

april 6, 2021

You haven’t contacted Joshua since the day the two of you went to the dog café, let alone open his texts. He’s been texting you everyday and even calling you to try and get a response, but to no avail.

So he finally decided to go visit your apartment to check in on you and ask what happened. 

As the elevator doors open, Joshua steps out and walks down the hallway. Once he turns left to enter the other hall, his eyebrows furrow when he notices the man standing in front of your door. He walks up to the man, who glances up towards the blonde when he catches sight of him through the corner of his eye.

“Do you know yn?” Joshua asks once he’s a few feet away from the older man. The gentleman nods, holding up his ID card, “I’m their landlord.” 

Joshua almost lets out a breath of relief, finally having met someone who could possibly know where you’ve been. The blonde points towards your apartment door, “Yn hasn’t contacted me in like, two weeks. Do you know if they’re home or if they went somewhere-”

“You don’t know?” Your landlord asks, and Joshua pauses. A feeling of dread runs down his spine when he sees the look of pity appear in the older man’s eyes when Joshua shakes his head, no. 

The dread soon turns into regret when the landlord informs him of the information he hadn’t known for the last three months.

“Are you comfortable?” The nurse asks as she replaces your tube. You give her a weak smile, glancing out the window and staring at the birds flying past it as you answer, “As comfortable as I can be.”

Once the nurse finishes cleaning you up, she bows in your direction and steps out of the room. You let out a breath, eyes trailing down to your phone. You press your finger to the screen, and the photo of Joshua that you took at the dog café shines back at you. 

A soft smile escapes you when you see how brightly he’s laughing, the sound of his joyful laughs still ringing in your ear as if he was here with you. The brief moment of happiness you feel turns into one of guilt when you’re reminded of all the messages, missed calls, and voicemails he’s left you for the last two weeks. 

It’s for the best, you remind yourself. You want him to be happy, and knowing that you’re on your literal deathbed would take that away from him. 

You bite the inside of your cheek once you feel the tears rise to your eyes, and you let out an annoyed huff. In an attempt to make the wetness to your eyes disappear, you move to stare up at the ceiling, only to freeze when your gaze lands on the doorway. 

“Joshua?” 

The blonde is standing there, chest rising and falling as he stares at you, pain evident in his gaze. His eyes trail over your appearance, wondering how he didn’t see the signs from the beginning. From the times you told him you were having trouble sleeping, the loss of appetite, how easily exhausted you would become from simply laughing too hard in the recent weeks.

How could he not know? 

“Yn.” Joshua breathes out, walking over to your bedside and sitting down in the chair. Feeling the tears flood your eyes, you look away from him, staring down at your hands in shame. 

“How did you find out?” You ask in a quiet voice, knowing he’s going to hate you for not telling him. When you don’t hear his response, the tears escape your eyes, falling onto the hospital blanket. 

“I’m so sorry Joshua.”

“I’m so selfish.” Your eyes widen slightly, and you look up from the blanket, only for your heart to break within your chest when you see the tears falling past Joshua’s eyes. 

“I-I hated my life and I openly complained about it in front of you, but you were going through so much worse and you still saw the beauty in it.” Joshua mutters, his hands reaching up towards his face as he tries to wipe away his tears. “I’m so sorry, yn.” You feel a sob bubble up in your chest, and you shake your head at him. 

“Don’t compare your struggles and pain to mine. Your struggles and your pain are valid. You have nothing to apologize for.” You tell him, vision becoming blurry as you reach out towards him with your hand. Joshua bites his bottom lip, before grasping your cold hand with his warm one. 

“It’s not fair.” Joshua mutters, and you blink at him. His hand tightens gently around yours, and he looks up into your beautiful eyes that hold so much life in them.

The life you deserve to live.

“I-It’s not fair. You of all people deserve to live your life.” Joshua says, the anger and sadness heavy in his voice. You let out a small smile, squeezing his hand with as much energy you can muster. “Sometimes life isn’t fair.”

Joshua just scoffs at your positivity and you let out a weak giggle. His eyes soften from the sight of your smile, and he reaches out with his free hand, wiping away your tears with his thumb. You lean into the touch, and Joshua feels his heart stutter in his chest. 

“Can you stay with me?” You ask, looking up into his deerlike eyes. Warmth floods the blonde’s face at how ethereal you are, feeling content when he still sees the sparkle in your eyes. 

“Yeah, always.”

Joshua slips off of his shoes and scoots you over on the hospital bed. He climbs onto it and lays onto his back beside you. You rest your head onto his arm, turning onto your side so that you’re facing him, and close your eyes at the feeling of his fingers intertwining with yours. 

“Thank you.” You mutter sleepily, and Joshua raises an eyebrow. 

“For what?” 

The memories of the last three months rewind in your head like a cassette tape, all the joy, laughter, sadness. All of it. 

“For making my last three months worthwhile.” 

Joshua sucks in a breath at your words, and he clenches his fist at his side. He’s filled with anger, sadness, so many different emotions as he turns his body to face you. He finds that you’re already fast asleep, small puffs of air leaving your lips, a reminder that you’re here. 

You’re alive.

Holding back the tears from rising, Joshua closes his eyes and gently rests his forehead onto yours. He feels your breath hit his lips, and he finds that it’s the only thing that calms him down as he feels a wave of drowsiness hit him.

He soon falls asleep with the thought of you turning to face him on the bridge two weeks ago, with the bright smile on your face that he’s grown to love.

“Can I please take yn out of the hospital? They’re right at the entrance. It’s not like I’m taking yn to an amusement park.” 

“No, Joshua.” 

“But Dr. Park, please.” Joshua practically begs, following after your doctor as he tries to walk back to his office. The man doesn’t even spare the blonde another glance, already set on his answer. 

It’s been a week since Joshua discovered the truth of your illness, and he’s visited every single day. Even if he had classes or a shift at work, he’d immediately take the bus to the hospital right after to come and see you.

He knows your time is soon from how frail you’ve become, the exhaustion and pain evident on your face no matter how hard you try to hide it behind the smile you show him. 

That’s why he’s desperate for Dr. Park to say yes.

“I’ll even have the nurse accompany us! Please, it won’t take long.” Joshua calls out, and he watches as Dr. Park’s shoulders slump as he lets out a sigh. The older man turns to glance at him, “Joshua…”

“Please, Dr. Park. Yn—” Joshua looks down at his shoes, swallowing the lump in his throat as he tries to muster up the courage to say the next words. “Yn doesn’t have much time left.” 

Dr. Park stares at the blonde, knowing very well that your time is drawing near. He looks to his side, remembering what he told you the day you found out about your tragic fate. 

“Eat whatever you want, do things you’ve always wanted to do. Live your life, yn.” 

Dr. Park lets out a sigh, before turning back towards Joshua, who’s still staring down at the floor. He purses his lips, “Fine. You can take yn, but not for long. I’ll have their nurse accompany you.” 

Joshua immediately lifts up his head, eyes bright as he nods his head frantically. He blurts out multiple thank yous, even bowing at least ten times before he heads back to your hospital room. 

Dr. Park just lets out a sad smile as he watches the blonde disappear past the corner. Shaking his head, he glances down at his clipboard and heads towards his next patient. 

You lay in the hospital bed, struggling to keep your eyes open as you wait for Joshua. Your gaze is glued towards the doorway, wondering when you’ll see those pretty deerlike eyes of his. Your eyelids feel heavy, and you feel sleep beginning to pull you in. 

“Yn!” Your eyes slowly open at the angelic voice, and you find Joshua walking up to your hospital bed with an excited smile on his face. The corners of your lips tug upward, “Joshua, you look excited.”

“I have a surprise for you.” Your eyebrows furrow in suspicion, and he lets out a laugh. A sudden figure at your doorway catches your attention, and Joshua steps to the side so that you can see. You squint when you see your nurse standing there, a wheelchair in front of her as she gives you a smile. 

“What are you planning?” You ask, eyes going back to the blonde. He shrugs his shoulders, reaching out and grasping your cold hand, giving it a squeeze. 

“You’ll see.”

It takes about twenty minutes until you’re finally in the wheelchair, as you’re no longer able to walk on your own. It was hard, since Joshua had to help your nurse by carrying you and placing you into the seat. You kept apologizing for being a bother, but Joshua would always reply, 

“You could never be a bother, yn.”

And now you’re being pushed through the halls. With your nurse holding onto the IV pole while Joshua pushes you. You can’t help but feel a bit of excitement run through your veins as the three of you slowly make your way out of the hospital, no matter how exhausted you are.

“What’s the surprise? Did you buy me a sikhye truck?” 

“You think I’m rich?” Joshua counters, and you smile at his response. It’s when you’re closer to the automatic doors that you begin to feel your heartbeat faster, ecstatic to be able to smell the fresh air. 

“Are you ready?” Joshua asks, leaning over to peek at your face. You let out a shaky breath, before nodding your head and giving him a thumbs up. “Of course.” 

The blonde smiles, and starts pushing you towards the exit again, watching as the automatic doors open for the three of you. The sunlight shines down on you once you’re outside, and you suck in a deep breath of the fresh air, blinking your eyes to get used to the sudden light.

Once your eyes open again, you find Joshua standing before you, arms stretched up towards the sky. A pose that you always did when the two of you were together. You’re about to ask what he’s doing when a sudden flash of pink flies past your face. You turn your head, eyes following after it until it falls onto the ground next to dozens of others.

A cherry blossom petal. 

You slowly look back towards Joshua, seeing the warm smile on his face as he stares at you. Your eyes trail upwards, and you let out a breath when you see the fully bloomed cherry blossom trees above you. The brilliant shades of pink and white are hanging above you, and you feel your heart swell. 

A breeze blows past the trees, and you watch as the petals begin to fall around you and Joshua. The beautiful and delicate petals gently flow with the wind, as if they were pink snowflakes fluttering past you.

Opening up the palm of your hand, you watch as a precious petal falls directly into the middle of it. You let out a wet laugh, tears trailing down your cheeks as you look back up towards Joshua. He’s smiling back at you, eyes filled with tears of his own as the two of you stare at each other. 

“I saw the cherry blossoms with you.” You say softly, and Joshua nods his head, a heartbreaking smile on his face. Biting your bottom lip, you close your fingers around the precious petal in your hand, blinking away the tears that keep flooding your eyes.

“Thank you, Joshua.” You mutter, and the blonde simply lets out a sigh, turning so that he’s facing the cherry blossom tree. You look up towards him, seeing the small smile on his face as he glances back at you. 

“Consider it a gift, yn.”

You lay on your hospital bed, listening to Joshua tell you about the lecture he attended today. Your heart warms when you hear him let out a giggle when mentioning something his classmate said, and a small smile escapes you. 

It’s been a few hours since you were brought back inside from seeing the cherry blossom trees, and Joshua’s stayed by your side the whole time. He didn’t even leave when you took a nap, just staying in the chair beside your bed doing his homework as he waited for you to wake up. 

You know that your time is almost over as you feel your heartbeat slow while listening to Joshua, finding yourself growing more sleepy. Somehow, rather than being afraid, you feel content. 

You’re happy.

You can see that Joshua knows it too, as he keeps talking to you about anything and everything, when you’d usually be the one to fill the silence. 

“And that’s how—”

“Joshua?” The blonde looks up at the sound of your voice immediately, and his heart falls when he sees the smile on your face. 

It’s different from all the ones before. It’s not bright, teasing, exciting, no. 

It’s accepting.

“Y-Yeah?” Joshua asks, and you extend your hand towards him. He reaches out and grasps it, your hand fitting perfectly within his own. 

“What’s the most beautiful thing about life?” You ask in a soft voice, staring into those deerlike eyes that seem to hold all the stars in the world. 

You want to remember it.

You want to remember him.

Joshua bites the inside of his cheek at your question, looking down at your connected hands as he tries to think of his answer. You watch as his eyebrows furrow in thought, and you grin in amusement at how hard he’s thinking.

The thought of the arcade comes to mind, as the neon purple lights shone on your face as you turned to look at him with a bright smile.

The sunset, when you spun around with your arms in the air and danced along the grass as he took photos of you. 

Going grocery shopping, when you were telling him a story with the softest of smiles on your face. Your eyes twinkled underneath the horrible fluorescent lights, and he wondered how you could possibly look so ethereal even with the bad lighting.

Your strawberry pajamas that you love so much.

Visiting the cat café, where your smile was the brightest and you were practically glowing from all the attention from the cats.

When it rained and you were laughing and spinning around as you let the raindrops fall onto you. Not a care in the world as you smiled brightly and extended your hand out towards him.

Going stargazing, except when he turned his head and looked into your eyes — he realized that you shined brighter than the millions of stars in the sky.

Joshua looks back towards you, seeing you waiting expectantly. His eyes trail over your features, from your beautiful eyes to your pretty lips that always hold a smile. He squeezes your hand softly as he finally answers,

“You.”

You blink at his answer, before a small smile breaks out onto your face. Looking away, you notice the full moon out the window, with the millions of stars surrounding it on this clear night. You let out a breath, feeling like they’re closer tonight. 

“What about you? What’s the most beautiful thing about life?” Joshua asks, and he watches as your head slowly turns back towards him. You give him a grin and squeeze his hand with as much energy as you can muster, finding yourself getting lost in his bright eyes. 

“You. The most beautiful thing about life is you, Joshua.” 

Joshua smiles, but his heart hurts as his eyes pan to your vital signs monitor, seeing that your heart rate is slowing. He looks back at you, and he sucks in a deep breath when only one thought comes to mind. 

There’s still so many things he wants to tell you, so many things he wants to do with you. However, as he stares into your eyes, he realizes there’s only one last thing you need to know.

“Yn?” 

“Yeah, Joshua?” You respond, now struggling to keep your eyes open as you stare at him. 

“I love you.” 

You and Joshua stare at each other in silence for a moment, having finally aired out the truth that the two of you have kept hidden for the last three months. The truth that the both of you kept denying, for fear of the future. A bright smile forms on your face, and Joshua feels his heart stutter within his chest at the sight. 

“I love you too, Joshua.” 

He lets out a breath, swallowing the lump in his throat to try and appear strong for you. As Joshua stares at you, he realizes just how beautiful you are. Even though you’re frail and tired, your beauty is unmatched as he looks into your eyes. 

And so, Joshua smiles back at you, and you feel warmth flood your body at the beauty of it.

You hope to remember his smile even in your next life.

Joshua hears your monitor begin to beep, signalling that your heart rate is dropping. He doesn’t look away from you, holding the eye contact between the two of you as your eyes slowly fall shut. The grip you had on his hand loosens, and he continues to stare at you as your nurse comes in once the sound of the flatline rings throughout the room. 

Joshua stands up from the chair, heart thumping against his chest once your nurse turns off your monitor. 

“Time of death: Tuesday, April 13th. At 8:13 PM.”

Silence fills the room as he leans down and presses a soft kiss to your temple, before pulling away and falling back into the chair. The smile that he showed you is now gone as he bites his bottom lip, trying to hold back the tears that threaten to fall as he stares at you, the smallest of smiles still remaining on your face.

Joshua looks down as a few tears escape, and he slowly rests his forehead onto your guys’ connected hands, sobs finally wracking through his body as he holds onto you. 

The moon and the stars shine down onto the two of you through the hospital window. They illuminate the room as Joshua sobs against your hand, knowing that you were finally able to reach them. 

You were finally able to reach the moon and the stars.

april 13, 2022

Joshua looks away from the calendar on the wall once he’s handed the bouquet of bright sunflowers. He smiles at the employee, giving them his thanks before he turns around and walks out of the store. 

The sun shines down on him as he walks towards the columbarium, making his black hair appear a light brown underneath the light. 

The sound of the birds chirping rings through his ears, and he smiles softly as he steps in through the entrance. He walks through the hall, before he finally stops, looking up and seeing your bright smile shining back at him.

Joshua lets out a grin at the sight, placing your sunflowers into the mini slot that holds the bouquets. A breath escapes him as he stares at the photos in your display, all of the photos capturing your beautiful smile. His eyes land on the last one, and he bites the inside of his cheek.

It’s the photostrip of the two of you from the day you both went to the dog café. 

Joshua has the same photostrip on the back of his phone case, as a reminder of a beautiful day. 

“Did you miss me?” Joshua asks you, knowing that he won’t receive a response. He smiles softly, looking down at his shoes. 

“It’s been a year without you, and I still think of your bright smile everyday.” Joshua tells you, placing his hands into his pockets as he continues to stare at the floor. “I know you’re getting a kick out of hearing me say that, huh?” 

Joshua stands there before you in silence for a moment, holding back the tears that threaten to flood his eyes. He lets out a shaky breath, before looking back up towards you with a smile and begins to update you on everything that’s happened since he last visited.

From the new job he got at an early learning center as a teacher, to the cat he visits at the shelter that reminds him of you, to his new friend Jeonghan who’s more mischievous than you could imagine, to the fried rice he made in the morning.

He tells you anything and everything until he can no longer think of anything else to say. Joshua lowers his head, wishing that he could hear a response. 

“I miss you.” He mutters, the thought of your smile and contagious laugh coming to mind. There’s a dull ache in his heart that has remained since you passed, and he knows it will be there for a long time. 

But as he lifts up his head to look at you and sees the photo of the both of you laughing, he knows he’ll be okay. You want him to be happy.

Joshua sucks in a deep breath, before reaching up and resting his hand over the glass. 

“Thank you, yn. Thank you for teaching me how to live.” 

Joshua gives you a genuine smile, before taking a step back from your locker. 

“I’ll continue to live happily, so don’t worry about me. I’ll visit you again soon...” Joshua chuckles as he trails off, looking away as warmth floods his face at the thought of the next thing he wants to tell you. He lets out a breath, before smiling at you as he says,

“I love you.” 

And with that, Joshua turns around and walks away with a lighter heart. He steps out of the columbarium and walks down the street, the thought of your smile and the sound of your laugh lingering in his mind. 

He walks with his head down, hands in his pockets as he heads to the bus stop. It’s only when a pink petal floats past him that he pauses and finally looks up from the ground. 

The fully bloomed cherry blossoms are a few feet from him, planted on the grass near the sidewalk, painting the pavement pink. He watches as a breeze blows past him, making hundreds of cherry blossom petals gently fall from the trees. 

Joshua lets out a small smile at the sight, before looking up towards the blue sky. A content sigh escapes him as he watches a pretty white cloud float past him. 

“What a beautiful day.”