#guilty and stressed and kinda numb

[bumblingbabooshka]

first love/late spring is a Janeway-Tuvok song

[homesick4la]

complicated — hamzahthefantastic

1. pushing it down and praying

contains: a little cheating..smoking, some nsfw content but nothing crazy

summary: after half a year of no contact, you run into your ex at a party.

a/n: kinda got this idea from the lizzy mcalpine song bc i am obsessed with it. so listen if you haven’t lol. also i decided to split the fic but it’s only gonna be two parts!

it’d officially been six months since you and your ex boyfriend went no contact.

the first few months were hell for you.

of course, you went through the stereotypical phase of eating ice cream and crying to rom-coms directly after your break up. but that short-lived phase gradually shifted into one that was much more melancholic once the two of you decided to go no contact.

everyday that you woke up, you were engulfed by an emotional numbness. a dull pain that served as a constant reminder of your grief.

you were grieving what the relationship was and what it could’ve been.

you had always envisioned your future with hamzah in it which is why the lack of communication between the two of you left you absolutely soulless.

you had never experienced such an intense love before him. everything was picture perfect in the beginning. it was even better than the movies.

but after two years, the miscommunication between you to became destructive.

things that should have been minor disagreements escalated into full blown arguments. you’d yell over each other, ignoring each other’s feelings and growing overwhelmingly defensive.

eventually, it became exhausting. you were both so angry all the time and too stressed with work or school to address it properly.

ultimately, you two mutually decided to call it quits. additionally, you later agreed that going no contact would be the best option for both of you.

now, half a year later, you were finally trying to move on.

after reading an endless amount of self-help books, you learned that after experiencing every stage of relationship grief (which you had), you theoretically should be ready to search for love again.

despite your reluctance, your best friends had forced you to join all the dating apps- urging you to hook up with someone new to get your mind off your ex.

it took days of swiping left on men that were literally the epitome of a walking red flag for you to finally find a man suitable enough to go on a date with.

his name was matthew. he recently graduated from college and instantly started a 9-5 working in finance. he spent his free time hiking. he had a golden retriever.

he was kind. he was stable. but he wasn’t hamzah.

you two had gone on a few dates. you had even hooked up after a couple of them.

as guilty as it made you, each hook up was spent closing your eyes- imagining hamzah on top of you. that it wasn’t matthew deep inside of you but it was hamzah; the one that knew your body like the back of his hand and knew just how to please you every time.

you were giving your all to this “moving on” stage but you simply weren’t satisfied.

that being said, when matthew had asked you to attend an old friend’s party with him on your last date, you politely agreed.

now here you were, shuffling through a crowd of sweaty bodies with a man that barely knew you guiding you by your waist.

“how do you know the host again?” you ask, nearly yelling over the music that was blasting through numerous speakers.

“he’s a friend from my hometown, remember? from ottawa?”

“right, right. i remember now.” you look up at him. you did not remember.

you two make your way into the kitchen. he pours shots of vodka into red solo cups and hands one to you.

you feel the familiar burn of alcohol stinging your throat as you down the shot.

“you look gorgeous tonight by the way. forgot to tell you earlier.” he tells you, running his hand up and down your waist.

hamzah would’ve told you earlier. he would’ve been kissing up and down your neck before you even finished your makeup while getting ready. reiterating how beautiful you are each time his lips left your skin.

fuck. there you go again. comparing everything matthew said or did to hamzah.

he’s not in your life anymore, you think to yourself. it’s time to get over him.

“thank you.” you answer matthew, mustering up a smile.

“you ready to go meet my friends?”

“yeah, let’s go! i’m excited to meet them.” you were lying straight through your teeth. but you continued to put on this enthusiastic act simply because he was nice.

he leads you to the main room where you meet a couple of his hometown friends. one named kyle. another named josh.

they were essentially carbon copies of matthew. frat bros that grew up and became finance guys.

you quietly listen as the boys catch up on one another’s lives.

until something, someone, catches your eye.

hamzah. he was across the large room with his back faced toward you. but it had to be him.

you could recognize the shape of his shoulders and you knew that those dark curls stuffed under a camo hat could only belong to him.

you stomach drops. somehow, you had never ran into him since the breakup.

the sight of him mixed with the alcohol made you sick to your stomach.

“hey”, you tap on matthew’s shoulder. “i’m gonna go find a bathroom real quick.” you explain.

“okay, just come find me when you’re done.” he replies before resuming his conversation with his friends.

you turn around, walking in the direction of a long hallway that you knew must have a bathroom.

you turn the doorknob of the first door you find and miraculously, it is a bathroom.

you clutch onto the counter, letting out a sharp exhale.

one of your hands grips to your stomach while you continue taking deep breaths.

in for 4. hold for 7. out for 8. you repeat.

a breathing technique that hamzah had taught you.

you hear the doorknob rattle. before you can say anything, the door is being launched open.

“oh shit! sorry!”, you hear a familiar voice as the door is being pulled closed again. “wait- y/n?”

the voice belonged to mandy. hamzah’s bestfriend’s girlfriend. you forgot that her and martin were from ottawa. they must’ve known the host of the party.

she steps inside, shutting the door behind her.

“are you okay? what’re you doing here? i haven’t seen you in so long.” she pulls you into a hug.

“yeah i’m here with some guy i’ve been seeing. but i saw hamzah and just needed to take a sec.” you explain during your embrace.

she pulls away, looking in your eyes.

“did he see you?”

“no, he was facing the other direction.”

“oh okay”, she nods and looks down.

“yeah. i haven’t seen him since we ended things so, it gave me a bit of panic attack.” you chuckle awkwardly.

“i’m sorry, y/n. break ups suck.” she pauses, “when i went through my first break up, i saw my ex at an amusement park about a month after. and i got so upset, i threw up in front of one of those stupid basketball games where you can win a big teddy bear.”

you laugh at her story, “seriously?”

“yes! it was so bad, the worker ended up giving me one of those huge bears out of pity!” she exclaims.

once your laughter dies down, mandy breaks the silence once again.

“he still talks about you, you know. every once in a while.”

every once in a while. you had thought of him every single day.

“every once in a while?”

“yeah. seems like most of the time it’s too hard for him to talk about. but sometimes, he can’t help himself.”

maybe he did think of you as often as you did.

“anyway”, she continues, “whose this new guy?”

she smirks teasingly.

“ugh. mandy, he’s so boring! but he’s so nice! he’s just- he’s nothing like hamzah. i don’t know- he’s really sweet, it’s just not, exciting? i guess?”

she nods. “well, if you want my advice..i say you shouldn’t stay with someone just because they’re nice to you. a lot of people are nice. only a few people will make you feel ‘sparks’ or whatever.”

you nod understandingly.

god you missed talking to her.

“i gotta get back to martin but if you want to talk to hamzah, he went out on the balcony. and let’s not have to run into each other at a random party to catch up again, ‘kay? text me.”

“okay.” you hug her tightly, “we’ll go for coffee soon.”

she smiles before exiting the bathroom.

you look into the mirror, trying to decide if going out on the balcony is a good idea.

“fuck it.” you whisper to yourself.

you didn’t know when you’d ever get the opportunity to speak to hamzah again. you had to go out on that balcony.

you walk out of the bathroom, sneaking past matthew who was still deep in conversation.

turning the corner past the main room, you find the sliding glass door to the balcony.

there he is. alone. sat on the small balcony, lighting a joint that hangs between his lips.

with his camo hat he wore a pair of dark wash jeans and white t-shirt.

you take a deep breath before reaching to slide open the door.

his head instantly whips towards you, his eyes widening a bit.

“hi.” you break the silence. you feel awkward. what are you supposed to say to someone you’ve been completely heartbroken over for the last six months?

“hey.” his eyes soften as he speaks.

“i, um- ran into mandy. she told me you were out here.” you explain to him.

he nods slowly. “come sit.” he pats the space on the floor next to him.

you do as he says. plopping onto the ground and pulling your knees to your chest.

he takes a drag from the joint between his fingers before pulling it out and handing it over to you. you two had shared a joint countless times during your relationship, making the action feel natural.

you bring the joint to your lips, sucking on it for a few seconds before blowing out the smoke and handing it back to him.

“how’ve you been?” he asks.

his voice was calm. you wondered how he could act so nonchalant in this situation.

“i’ve been okay. school’s been stressful.” you say, trying to avoid ranting about the emotional turmoil you’ve experienced since you two separated. “how about you?”

“good. just working a lot. martin and i upload multiple times a week now and run the merch ourselves so it’s been busy, but it’s fun.” his face lights up as he talks about it. he’d always been passionate about his career.

“that’s great, hamzah. i still remember when you had him up on that cracked screen just to have him on the pod.” you laugh.

“oh god, it was a shit show trying to get that thing to run properly.” he chuckles at the memory.

it falls silent for a moment.

“you still gonna become a journalist?” he asks, cocking his head to the side while looking at you.

“that’s the plan, yeah.” you answer.

“good. you were always good with words.”

“yeah?” you smile.

“of course, it’s why i was always calling you smarty pants.”

you chuckle at the nickname you’d forgotten about.

“i thought you were calling me that because of my attitude.” since childhood, you were teased for being bit of a know it all.

“i mean- yeah that was part of it.” he laughs, “but it was mostly because of that big brain of yours.”he taps his pointer finger to your temple.

“well, i don’t feel very smart these days.” you admit. “my grades have been slipping.”

“seriously? how come?”

“just had a rough last couple months.” you try to remain vague.

“your new guy not keeping you happy?”

your eyes widen. how did he know about matthew?

“did you see me with him inside?”

“yeah. i was about to walk into the kitchen when i saw you two together.”

you exhale deeply. “oh, uh. sorry about that.”

“answer my question, y/n.” his voice was low, serious.

“what?” your voice tinged with confusion.

“are you happy?”

you think for moment. you could lie, tell him you’re happy, let him believe that you’ve moved on. but everything in you wants to be honest with him.

“i’m trying to be.” you respond quietly before taking the joint from his hands and up to your mouth once again.

his eyes were glued to you as pushed the smoke from your mouth, like he was studying your face.

“that guy’s not right for you.” he shook his head as he spoke.

“hamzah, you don’t know him.” you’re not sure why you feel the need to defend matthew but you do.

“i can see what kind of guy he is—the kind that can’t even begin to grasp the complexity to you.” he explains.

“you’re high, hamzah. and you’re jumping to conclusions.”, you shift your position on the ground, “based on looks, might i add. didn’t they teach you not to do that in elementary school? the whole don’t judge a book by its cover thing? did you tune that part out?” you say as you stand from your spot. it pained you how well hamzah could read people- how accurate his description of matthew was.

“baby all this rambling makes it seem like you’re avoiding the truth—that he’s not good enough for you. and you’re not happy. i mean has he even noticed how long you’ve been gone?”

you forgot how stubborn this man could be.

you let out a defeated sigh. “it’s none of your business, really. and you’re right, i’ve been gone too long. i should get back to him.”

you steal the joint from his hand and take one last drag before you start to walk back towards the sliding glass door. you hear hamzah rise to his feet behind you.

“y/n, wait.”

you turn around, facing towards him again. “yeah?”

“i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have said that.” he apologizes.

“s’okay.”, you shrug your shoulders. “it was nice running into you.”

he nods agreeably.

you turn back around, beginning to accept that this was it. your last few seconds with him before you were back to no contact.

your hand reaches the sliding glass door, about to pull the door open when you hear hamzah’s voice once again.

“y/n, don’t go.”

don’t go.

“what?” you question, furrow your eyebrows.

he takes slow steps toward you, ditching his joint by throwing the remains of it to the floor.

he keeps walking towards you until you’re just a foot apart. he grabs your hand, pulling you to him and shifting your bodies so your lower back rested the black metal railing of the balcony as he stood directly in front of you.

his face was inches from yours. you could so easily lift your head and kiss him.

“come back to my apartment with me.” he whispered.

“why would i do that?” you replied, feeling the pace of your breath quicken due to the close proximity.

“because you miss me.” the corner of his mouth upturned into a cocky smirk. “and i miss you.”

you were speechless. all you could do was stare into his eyes, trying to decipher whether or not those words had actually just left his mouth.

you swallow harshly before speaking, “i’m here with someone else, hamzah. i’m going home with him.”

you try to stand your ground, but god you wanted to give in.

he scrunches his nose and shakes his head as he places his hands on the metal railing behind you, trapping you between his arms.

“but he doesn’t know you like i do.”

before you can respond, you feel his fingers brush your hair away from the side of your neck.

he places his hands on waist as his head falls to your neck, his plump lips hovering above your skin. your head instinctively leans to the side, giving him full access.

“does he know how much you like being kissed right here?” he whispers softly, feeling his lips move on your skin as he speaks.

he presses his lips to place where your neck and shoulder meet, remembering how much this spot had an effect on you.

you shut your eyes in utter satisfaction. you hated how much of an effect he had on you.

you bring your hands to his neck, then weaving your fingers through his curls as he continues kissing, sucking, and nipping at the sweet spots on your neck.

his hands float down, gripping onto your hips- another minuscule touch that he knew drove you crazy.

with his hands on your hips, he pulls your bodies closer. suddenly, the thought of matthew has completely vanished. you’re completely caught up in hamzah, and it felt so good- indulging in his recognizable scent and familiar touch.

you let out a soft moan as his hand falls to your ass, grabbing it shamelessly.

“hamzah, hamzah— i can’t, we can’t do this.” you say breathlessly, using your hand to tap on his chest.

hamzah steps back, his breath unsteady as watches you carefully, his gaze lingering on your lips. for a moment, you think he isn’t going to say anything— that he was just going to turn around and walk away.

but then he leans, his voice low “meet me outside in five.” his tone carrying both a question and a promise.

you feel a rush of nerves as he walks away, opening the sliding glass door and slipping back into the crowd.

you stay out there for a moment, catching your breath.

you shouldn’t go. you know you shouldn’t.

but you couldn’t stop thinking about the way he looked at you.

next part: with you all night

a/n: yuppppp part two coming very very soon and it’s gonna pick up right where this leaves off. sorry if this is long and boring, tbh i just needed something to distract myself from everything going on lol…k bye muah

[local-critter]

Angst alphabet for Asra please.

Which latters? D! And anything else you'd like to do for Asra.

Aside from D for Death, I want them all as Asra, but also know that's way too many. So D.

I'm a little overachiever at times so I did the whole alphabet LMAO

Asra Alnazar Angst Alphabet

A - Austere (what makes them feel uncomfortable and unwanted?)

Being ignored or straight up ghosted; Asra doesn’t like being perceived too much but you’re his whole world, he wants to savor every moment with you to make up for lost time and he feels so shitty when you don’t return the sentiment

B - Bad Habits

Ironically, ghosting. They’ll forget to tell you about a trip until the last minute, or maybe forget to tell you altogether, leading to them just up and disappearing for sometimes days at a time. It’s common when they’re upset or really stressed

C - Crying (do they cry easily? What causes them to crack? How do they cry?)

Asra kinda hates acknowledging most emotions he perceives as negative, so it takes a lot for him to cry. If it’s just because maybe things have been building up for too long but not one specific thing that set him off, just silent tears running down his face. If it is one specific thing he can’t run from, like your death, he just breaks down; it’s messy, there are tears and snot everywhere, his shoulders are shaking violently from the force of his sobs, his breathing is fast and shallow and when he’s done he has a headache from hell and he feels completely hollowed out; he’ll be walking around in a numb daze for a few days afterward, because he just released all the emotions that have been building up for months, maybe years. The first type of cry is a little stream and the second is a raging river; there is no in-between

D - Death (how do they handle the topic? What would they do if their s/o died?)

They don’t handle death well; Asra, post (upright) route holds their loved ones as close to their heart as they can; the thought of any of their loved ones dying can send them straight into a downward spiral of anxiety and dread. Conformation of death sends them straight into either dissociation and denial or a week-long breakdown and then dissociation and denial for a little before they start looking into necromancy with a frantic look in their eyes and terrifying determination. If their significant other died though? Oh boy

They were bad enough the first time but the second, it kills them. Their grief would actually kill them if they lost you again; they would not survive knowing you’re gone and there’s nothing they can do about it because they know they can’t make another deal.

E - Emotion (an emotion they try to suppress)

Anger; he tries so hard to never get angry. He allows himself annoyance, irritation, but never ever anger. Asra is not an angry person in general, there are few times he’s been truly angry at someone, most often Lucio, so he’s come to associate his anger to the former count

F - fights (how do they argue? How quickly do they start an argument? Are they patient with their s/o’s feelings?)

Asra has seemingly endless patience; especially when it comes to you. They were your caretaker for at least a year, probably more, so they’re familiar with your moods and act accordingly. Typically, they let you yell for as long as you need to then when they see you’re done they’ll try and soothe you or give you space, depending on what you need. But when they actually fight back, shit gets real ugly real fast.

You know Asra better than most people in their life; you know Asra better than their parents, you’re second only to Muriel. But Asra knows you too, knows you better than you know yourself sometimes, which means that when you’re both aiming to hurt, it’s all too easy to hit where it hurts for the both of you

G - Guilt (do they feel guilty over something? How do they handle that feeling?)

He’s still guilty for leaving you behind when he left Vesuvia during the plague; he will carry the guilt of your death with him for the rest of his life

H - heartbroken (have they had their heart broken before? Does their S/O have the power to break them?)

Absolutely yes to both. The first time they were heartbroken was the ‘deaths’ of his parents, then when Muriel was in the coliseum, then when you died. And yes, you absolutely have the power to break them; again, you know them better than practically everyone because they’ve never allowed anyone else to truly know them. They’ve given you so much power over them and they’re aware of it, but they gave it to you in the first place because they trust you won’t hurt them.

I - Insecurities

I honestly don’t think Asra is very insecure to be honest; I think he has his moments, like anyone else, but those are few and far between. I think he’d be insecure of leaving you behind and what happened, and afraid you’d leave him for his need to travel. He left you behind and you died; he’s terrified you think he’d leave you to suffer a similar fate again.

J - Jaded (how easily do they become jaded? How do they attempt to get out of that?)

Asra has been jaded for almost their whole life; orphaned and growing up with Vesuvia’s forgotten doesn’t lead to having the happiest outlook on life. Especially since they’ve seen firsthand how cruel the world can be with the Coliseum fights and how Muriel has been treated his entire life

K - killed (what have they killed? Figuratively or literally)

I don’t think Asra has ever killed someone literally. Hurt people before? Absolutely, a gang was after them as a child, so they were forced to be well-versed in self-defense, but never took a life. They definitely killed their morals when you were dead though; they crossed several lines they never wanted to cross before nor again to bring you back

L - lies (what lies do they tell their s/o? Are they a good liar?)

Asra is the best liar you’ll ever meet, but he absolutely hates lying to you. The lies he’d tell you were during your recovery, whenever you’d ask about your past or your memories; he lied only to protect you. After you prove you can finally handle your memories and your past, Asra stops the lies; if there's ever something he doesn’t want to tell you he either tells you he doesn't want to talk about it or deflects and changes the subject

M - mono (do they ever feel alone?)

Not post upright route, not anymore; they know by then that they have a lot of people in their corner, a lot of people in their life; more than they ever thought they’d have. They’re only alone when they want to be because they know they have plenty of people they can seek out if they feel lonely; you’re at the top of that list, of course

N - nightmare (what’s their worst fear?)

Death of a loved one

O - Obstacles (what things have they overcome? How much does it still affect them?)

He’s overcome a lot in his life. The loss of his parents, growing up a homeless orphan, teaching himself and Muriel magic, Count Lucio, the plague, losing you, beating the Devil; Asra has always been a survivor through and through. Of course some of that affects him still; he has nightmares, he has trust issues, he has issues expressing some emotions, but he has people wish shared experiences there and it helps

P - panic (do they panic easily? What instincts do they have? (fight flight, freeze, or fawn))

Asra is typically calm and collected damn near all times, so no, they don't panic very easily but when they do, their first instinct is flight. They avoid conflict whenever possible

Q - quiet (secrets they have)

I don't think Asra would like keeping secrets from his partner, especially after knowing you for almost a decade. I think Asra has things he hasn't told you yet, most likely pertaining to his childhood as one of Vesuvia’s orphaned children, but most likely it's because he doesn't want to acknowledge just how rough his childhood actually was or maybe the right moment to bring it up just hasn't happened

R - rejection (how do they handle rejection of any sort? Have they had a big moment of rejection?)

Asra handles rejection pretty well; they travel a lot so they meet plenty of new people but that also means that if they get rejected they can just leave lmao. If the rejection happens in Vesuvia, they’ll be a good sport about it and won’t make anything awkward, they know they’re not gonna be everyone’s cup of tea and they’re cool with it. They appreciate the honesty too

S - separation (how would they react to a S/O breaking up with them? What would it take for them to break up with their s/o?

If you broke up with him, Asra would be absolutely crushed; he'd respect your decision, maybe try to ask if he'd done something to warrant the breakup, but if you tell him it's because you fell out of love or something he'd never recover; you would deadass never hear from Asra again. He loves you so much still that he can't be part of your life anymore, he can't just be a friend or someone you see every once in a while, it would destroy him; he'd leave Vesuvia all together and probably take Muriel.

I can't really see Asra breaking up with you; he loves you so much, it would take a lot to get him to consider ending it, but I can't think of anything specific

T - trust (how do they break their s/o’s trust? How easily is their trust earned/broken? How would they react to being betrayed?)

Asra's trust takes a long time to earn, so I think it's pretty hard to break. But once it's broken, Asra would never be able to trust you fully again. After the first time there's always going to be lingering doubt about you, I think. They may not even be entirely conscious of their wariness, but it's there all the same.

If you betrayed them, it would destroy them; just crush them completely. It depends on the betrayal itself, of course, but Asra would definitely run. Depending on what you did, they might come back, but it's entirely possible they won't.

Asra would treat your trust like it's fucking frost; the most delicate thing ever. They'd never ever willingly break it, not if they could help it; you mean too much to them for them to ever willingly hurt you

U - urges (what’s something they want but cannot have? Or something they lost and can’t get back)

Asra will always miss the person you used to be; the version of you he left behind. He loves the version of you he has now, he loves you more than he will ever be able to say, but some small part of him will always miss who you used to be, and some part of him will always grieve the love you had/could have had back then

V - volatile (how quickly do they anger? What do they act like when they’re angry?)

Asra doesn’t often get angry; it takes a lot to push them to that point, typically. If you want to them angry fast, bring them to Lucio; he’s practically the only one who can piss them off by merely being near them. Otherwise, it’s incredibly difficult, especially if it’s you that’s angering them. You, Murial, Nadia, and maybe Salim and Aisha are the ones they find it the hardest to get mad at; they love you too much.

But because it takes so much to anger them, when they finally let it out it’s very…explosive, but it’s their magic mainly that’s lashing out. Asra will shout a little, pace around aggressively, but will never really do more than that, and especially won’t get close to you when they’re mad.

W - weak (what makes them feel weak?)

Lucio, typically. He lied to him about his parents so easily, he blackmailed both Asra and Muriel without batting an eye, he killed thousands, you included, without even trying. And Asra couldn’t really do anything about it because, powerful magician he may be, he had no political power while Lucio was the Count. Lucio has hurt almost all of the people Asra cares about and he feels like he wasn’t able to do anything about it

X - X-ray (how readable are their emotions? How good are they at reading their s/o?)

Asra reads you like you’re a picture book tbh because to them, you might as well be. They knew you for several years before you lost your memories, you had to relearn practically everything and Asra was there for every single mood, they saw your new tells and expressions develop, so they know you practically better than you know yourself, meanwhile Asra themself is very difficult to read unless they’ve actively trying to display their emotions. They learned a lot on the streets and few of those lessons were kind.

Y - youth (what kind of childhood did they have? At home and at school)

At home, before the ‘deaths’ of his parents, Asra had a happy life; two loving parents and a home. Afterwards, he had no one and almost nothing, until he met Muriel. Safe to say the majority of his childhood and teenage years were really rough

Z - zero (what would they do if they lost everything)

I truly do not think Asra would survive that; losing everything, they could probably come back from, but losing their loved ones, all of them, would actually kill them.

[partywithoutsmiling]

I don't know why but for poppy and branch they think this rock beast situation is kinda like a punishment for either or both of them, for poppy is for not listening to branch and for branch for leaving poppy alone

We have to disagree on that.

Lot's of people thinks that Branch's and Poppy's relationship post True Colours was smooth sailing, filled with sparkles and rainbows- but we can see physical evidence that it probably wasn't.

And that's Branch's muted colours. As one who had experienced depression and has some traumas, I can tell you that experiencing emotions after you manage to crawl out of the numb pit is a roller coaster.

Branch most likely had his ups and downs; times where he slipped back into almost greyness, and was snappy, nasty and refused to socialize. There were most likely times where they argued, a lot, in the beginning, because you just don't go from deliberate asshole to a nice person- it just doesn't happen.

Similarly for Poppy, she has her own habits; ingrained responses to Branch's own acting out.

The difference here being, that Poppy- and the rest of the Tribe- knows now what it is to loose colours. And Branch now knows that his actions are not okay and he apologizes.

I can easily imagine them arguing a lot, but hardly ever about something close and personal; in World Tour, with their tempers and emotions running high, stressed from the situation around them, it's no wonder there was an eventual argument. But honestly? I believe if they were given more time, they would have got back to each other and talked it out.

The whole Rock Beast situation wouldn't feel like a punishment to them; rightfully, they would take it for what it is- needless cruelty from Barb's side.

Oh they feel guilty of course; Poppy for being stubborn and for Branch taking the hit meant to her, and Branch definitelly feels guilty for leaving her alone, But feeling guilty and feeling punished are two different things.

Their guilt mostly stems from both of them splitting apart and not communicating better, especially when they were hunted- and for hurting each other.

As it was Poppy who snapped the 'I don't even know why we are friends' line, intentionally wanting to cause hurt.

[citrine-elephant]

still boiling on the vendetta novel and i feel like i didn't absorb what i was supposed to absorb in regards to leon lore lol.

chris slams energy drinks in a single chug. this is the prominent thought. it's the thing that will forever be engrained in my mind under "USELESS LORE"

leon kept flirting with the idea of being dead. i would joke "me too bud" but im in a pretty good headspace all things considered. just sad lol

zombies don't fuck, and idk. that's a big factor to the whole bow thing? tbh im not sure what that was about beyond arias being a fuckin weird mfer.

nadia and her wife need happiness holy fuckin shit. wife has a butterfly tattoo? a red one? she's married to ada. ada is her wifey. i refuse to accept anything else.

mental illness in media leads to my deep introspection and sudden stress, but also hopefulness bcuz i can vaguely slap the concept through a sieve and sprinkle it like cheese... huh? where was i? ah, yes, healing! healing through funny scary spooky zombie media.

leon feels guilty for the president turning and is just 100% guilt in meat form. idk this bitch ain't healed from that ending "gotta keep fighting" 90's motivation poster shit. we know his ass is still mentally ill!... ->

-> i remember reading something that suggested, from the book, leon probably would have killed himself if chris and rebecca didn't show up. and i mean. maybe? probably? the ideation didn't feel that heavy handed until the fight with diego-arias and how he just thought "damn today's a good day to die, huh? lol". dunno if things went over my head or if i'm just numb to signs i should see lol

rebecca is too damned smart and is also weirdly kind in the face of... friends dying. "sorry i gotta bash ur head in" lmfao

strengthens my urge for chreon. specifically daddy redfield caring for his dilf twink. helping a good friend through dark, awful times. and then kissing. smoochin. petting the good boy on the head. kissing again.

was also kinda surprised that chris sees leon as a normally cheerful guy? or... like. not a miserable fuck/bummed out bitch? or was that sarcasm? or did i misread. huh

[maochira]

HIIII im back!!

Sooooo... im a person who struggles with crying like- i can't whether i wanted to or not.

SOOO when im stressed i can't even cry to feel better ( cuz crying can release tension and stuff ) and generally im (kinda?) depressed in a sense where i feel numb, lonely and like theres a void in my chest.

( above is for example and kind of a vent😅 )

Basically, the request is coaches as dad listening to your feelings or thoughts abt feeling empty and (MAYBE??) wanting reader to see a psychiatrist/therapist?

Hi! I think I know very much what you feel like regarding the emptiness :'] (except that I cry a lot and very easily and my emptiness often comes with a pressure in my chest.) But please remember I usually don't like people venting in my inbox. I'm okay with this one tho because it connects to a comfort request so I see it more as an explanation than a vent <3 (but I don't want to encourage others to vent to me more in the future.)

Characters: Noa, Chris

Tags: gn!coach's child!reader, reader is a teenager, comfort

Noel Noa

-even though you haven't told him until now, he has noticed something's been off about you for a while

-he didn't think it was something serious because you inherited a big part of his personality regarding being rather cold

-so when you tell him about it, he's a little shocked to find out how bad you've been feeling lately and he feels guilty for not noticing it earlier

-he sits there for hours to let you talk about everything that's on your mind, but he realizes he can't help you enough

-so he decides to try to find a therapist for you. He knows waiting lists can be long, so on the next day he calls and writes emails to every therapist in the area and lets you be put on the waiting list

-and while you're waiting, Noa makes sure you know you can always talk to him. He also tries to be less cold so you can feel more comfortable about sharing your problems

Chris Prince

-he quickly noticed when you started to feel worse, but he decided to wait a bit just in case it gets better on its own

-he trusts you to talk to him as soon as you feel too bad, so to not pressure you, he doesn't ask you about it

-but he realizes you're only getting worse and still not telling him about anything, so he thinks you might be too afraid to open up

-Chris decides he has to be the one who approaches you about this, so he calmly asks you to be honest about how you've been feeling lately and he wants you to let him know as much as possible so he can help

-but the more you tell him about how you feel, the more he realizes you need professional help. So he asks if you want that and obviously you day yes

-Chris helps you to find a good therapist who is helpful to you. He always reassures you if you don't fully click with a therapist, you need to tell him so he can look for a new one

Taglist (sign-up link): @kaineedstherapy12 @zyuuuu @luvcalico @truegoist @vanitasbrainrot @toruden @mafuyudonutt @weichspuelertrinker @acacIa @chaosinanutshell @kermitslefteyeball11 @futuristicxie @bluelock4life @https-archangel @depressed-bitchy-demon @kaiserkisser @userwithlotsoftime @yellowelectroslime @0rah-s @deerangle3

[ratsoh-writes]

SO has a miscarriage, main 10

I hate you anon.

Under the cut for miscarriage mention’s obviously

Sans: honestly he’s kinda numb. Like it doesn’t really hit him that he and SO lost their baby. Right now he’s more focused on making sure SO is ok, that they don’t have any side effects from it. Sans won’t really mourn until he gets an old ultrasound reminder on his phone. Then it finally hits him.

Papyrus: he’s horrified and mourns deeply over loosing the baby with SO. To help himself cope, he makes a small gravestone in the backward to remember his baby by. It’s pretty discrete, and looks more like a garden decoration until you see the little plaque with the name he and SO had picked out.

Star: he keeps himself too busy to really mourn. Star has seen a lot of hard things being a police officer. He copes by keeping himself occupied. It helps him keep his mind off things. As he supports SO, he winds up doing a full spring clean on the house.

Honey: he’s heartbroken and takes it so hard his soul gets unbalanced and honey winds up sick for a few weeks as he mourns. His dream is to have a little family, and loosing a kid ye never got to meet hurts deeply.

Red: he’s hurting sure, but red takes it better than others. He’s dealt with lord before and seems to know how to work through it. Red is a rock for his SO and a wonderful companion as they mourn

Edge: he can’t seem to accept that his baby is gone and keeps going over what went wrong. Was it SOs diet? Were they too stressed? Did he make them stressed? It’s like he thinks that if he fixes what happened the baby will come back.

Mal: his first thought is relief, then the next one is guilt. Mal is relieved cause he never wanted children. His SO knew that, so when they had that accidental pregnancy and SO decided to keep it, mal was hurt and felt like he was being forced into fatherhood. It put a strain on his and SOs relationship that they had been slowly working through. And now he has to deal with feeling guilty that he’s happy while SO is mourning their unborn child. He and SO probably won’t stay together after this

Cash: he thinks it’s his fault. When he and SO learned they were pregnant, cash had been doing his best to quit smoking for SO and the baby. Quitting is hard though and he definitely relapsed a few times. Cash has it in his head that he killed the baby. Poor SO is going to have to convince him somehow that’s not true

Oak: this is horrible for him and SO. His memory makes it so that he forgets a few times that their baby is gone. The day after the miscarriage he’ll ask SO how they and the baby are doing not realizing there is no baby. It takes a bit to sink in

Willow: he’s absolutely convinced his weak magic is what killed the baby. It isn’t of course, nobody “killed” the baby. He and SO we’re just unlucky. But willow won’t take that answer. He’s a broken monster who wasn’t meant to have kids

[slowlycolorfulcreation]

Even more Blue Executive hcs!1!!

Tw some of them are angsty

Majored in Business during college and university

People would probably make fancams of him

His fans are literally crazy and go feral whenever someone talks crap about him

💖Girlboss💖

Freaking loves ABBA and Queen (or would, in case if it doesn't exist in sds)

ESTJ-T

Secretly under a heck load of stress

He needs help

He is kinda emotionally drained and numb because of mental health issues

Famous throughout his entire life, even when he was a kid

He often wonders what it is like to have a "normal" life, but he feels guilty for those thoughts because it makes him feel like he's ungrateful

He prefers to listen to pop, rock, k-pop, or maybe some indie stuff

He was nerdy, but popular as a middle-schooler

Really likes acting

"Gifted kid"

Undiagnosed depression

Utterly addicted to caffeine

HOLD ON HE WOULD FREAKING LOVE MUSICALS

Unfortunately, his dreams of theatre were crushed by the Investors and only participates in movies, acts, series, ect. Just for cash.

He would hate nature and going to places that are rural, but eventually find beauty in such places.

Pizzahead vibes

MARINA AND THE  F R E A K I N G  DIAMONDS

Autistic (heavily masks)

✨Morally questionable✨

[bladesalvation]

𝕆ℂ 𝕄𝔼𝕄𝔼

tagged by lbr. I stole this from the lovely @bloodyarn

────────────────────────

꒰ 𝗕𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒 �� 

Full name: Nicholai Elenwyn Faalgard, known as Nihil Rot Gender: Nonbinary masc presenting Sexuality: Pansexual + demiromantic Pronouns: He/They

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꒰ 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 ꒱ 

Birthplace: Auburn Trail, Baldur's Gate outskirts Job: Unholy Assassin Cult Leader Priest of Kelemvor and Medical Examiner Phobias: redcaps. His stress goes up 200% around redcaps and he gets real twitchy.  Guilty pleasures: Pumpkin seed and cranberry bread, preferrably with butter on it and a coffee or tea on the side. He's a sucker for it and probably the most chill you will ever see him

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꒰ 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐀𝐋𝐒 ꒱

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral (Neutral by end of redemption.)

Sins:

Vengeful: Unsurprisingly, the guy attracted to vengeful types has a vengeance boner himself-- and he is liable to not take any half-assed punishments as a fair trade unless you can really appeal to his humanity. Implusive: Nihil is a wildcard-- he has a method to his madness, but it is usually short-sighted and prone to last minute change. Indecisive: Honestly goes hand-in-hand with his impulses in the worst way. Nihil will go from ride or die on your plans of ascension to wrestling you to the ground and screaming at you about how stupid you are for going for it.

Virtues:

Loyal: Nihil is a ride or die no matter what bad decision you've made-- your best bet to break his loyalty is to turn on him or someone else within the Circle of people he trusts. Protective: He will defend those close to him with his life. Man is a guard dog in an elf body.

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꒰ 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 ꒱

Introvert / Extrovert

Organized/ Disorganized

Close-minded / Open-minded

Calm / Anxious / Restless

Disagreeable / Agreeable / In between

Cautious / Reckless / In between

Patient / Impatient / In between

Outspoken / Reserved / In between

Leader / Follower / Flexible

Empathetic / Unempathetic / In between

Optimist / Pessimist / Realist

Traditional / Modern / In between

Hard-working / Lazy

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꒰ 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐏𝐒 ꒱

All of these are specific to Nihil only based on his story, not RP-- RP is always open ended because I would LOVE to have other insights, this is just the ideas I got

OTP:

Astarion : I'm sorry, they share a single braincell. They really do. I could write out Nihil's approvals and it would line up to Astarion's 95% of the time. They get along disturbingly well and Nihil would do just about anything for Astarion. They were both thrust in a life or death choice by a manipulative person and made the decision to survive only to pay for it by becoming chained to that person forever. Both use sex to manipulate and are numbed to killing, even having fun in doing it. Both are also just kinda here for the vibes in the worst way possible. Gortash: Ok ok I have been vocal abt the idea that Nihil and Gortash had a strictly sexual relationship with repressed feelings for each other for a bit, but what definitely gets me is both were hated and considered some kind of burden without truly knowing why and were picked up by their gods for their potential (and seemingly at their lowest point). Nihil was freshly widowed and his s/o someone who was one of the only people who didn't think he was a monster. So Gortash, this brilliant, well-spoken and frankly dashing man not only seemingly trusts him and values their partnership genuinely but re-iterates he isn't a monster? It's over boys.

Acceptable Ships:

Shadowheart : Shadowheart was my original plan for Nihil honestly-- also a lot in common, worshipping "misunderstood" gods (though one could argue that at least Kelemvor is just distant, he isn't out here making people commit mass murders for him that I have seen. Bhaal? Got me there), they're fairly secretive people and like people who can respect their boundaries and let them come out of their shell, they want to be kind even if its not supposed to be in their nature... Honestly she should be in the OTP category but its not hard for him to be set up with any of the companions. Lae'zel : Gith have Nihil's whole heart. Really, her biggest drawback that made her not an OTP for him is just that she is snippy towards him asking questions which is really just a no go. But loves her loyalty and decisiveness and does what he can to understand why she is how she is and give her proper space and respect. Also he just loves siccing her on people. It's fun. Wyll: Honestlyyy I kinda accidentally fell in love with them dancing, I was expecting to find them so cute. But Wyll, like Karlach and Gale, deserve far better than a nightmare void of a man. I mean everyone deserves better but mostly Wyll, Karlach and Gale.

OT3: I wanted Nihil/Astarion/Shadowheart so bad y'all don't even know. YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND. I want Astarion to get his mean goth gf and slutty goth bf

Brotp:

Gale: I feel like not much needs to be said, he's a squishy wizard and kind of a pain in Nihil's eyes but he likes the guy and his stories, they're real fun!

Notp: Fuck Wulbren Bongle, I don't give a fuck abt this motherfucka's problems--

────────────────────────

꒰ 𝗕𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 ꒱

────────────────────────

𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓 (tw pregnancy loss, cannibalism ment) - bullet points to go faster

Born to Kelehan Faalgard and Dannikah Hjol-- the son of an esteemed fabric merchant and a third generation Seldarine Drow immigrant respectively. Born in a small village outside of Baldur's Gate called Auburn Trail.

Danikkah struggled to keep a pregnancy throughout the first few years of marriage and exhausted every avenue to try and have a child with her husband. Her final loss in her second trimester drove her to seek out a hag living in the forest hugging the south of the village with the reluctant blessing of her husband.

Struck a deal with the hag, Mother Radley; a child with the power to beat the odds in exchange for what the couple cared for the most. Danikkah agreed, believing what she cared for the most was her family's long-standing farmstead. She was given an infused piece of 'a divine's flesh' to eat and successfully fell pregnant.

The family was shunned during the pregnancy when word got out how Danikkah got pregnant and Kelehan's tailor shop took a hit but despite the stress, the pregnancy progressed.

A drow girl appeared in their sheep's meadow a few weeks before Danikkah was due to give birth--With a surprising clarity the girl called Danikkah her mother, as 'Lady Silverhair told her to'. Believing the girl to be a late-answered prayer from Eilistraae herself, Danikkah was overjoyed to take her in and name her Dirzarra-- her soon-to-be son's older sister.

Nicholai was born and when Mother Radley came to retrieve her end of the bargain, she revealed that their daughter was the prized possession she wanted. The family refused and in turn were offered an ultimatum: Dirzarra came with her, or Nicholai would be undone. She gave the couple until their son turned 8, imbuing him with a magic illness that could not be cured until either a decision was made or the boy died.

Nicholai's parents would seek out clerics and priests to help, knowing the sickness could not be cured but willing to try. They were even more outcasts and it spread to the kids as time went on.

Nicholai spent most of his days ill at home, unable to play and help with chores and it only worsened as his time ran out. Days before his 8th birthday, he and Dirzarra were jumped in the meadow by one of the hag's servants. In a desperate attempt to save his sister, Nicholai unleashed his fury and frustration on the redcap and savaged it until it died.

When his time came, Nicholai was rushed to Baldur's Gate and the Stormshore Tabernacle for help, every other temple refusing the family's begging. When it was clear he was beyond saving, a priest of Kelemvor approached to read his last rites as a kindness to the family.

As he was about to pass, Nicholai was intervened by Bhaal, naming himself a savior to the boy and able to rid him of his disease if he vowed his soul and talents to him. Nicholai agreed and was saved, allowing those around him to believe it was Kelemvor that took pity on him and spared him this death.

As he grew, more murders around the village would spring up. The residents were panicked but unable to solve the killings, even when the Flaming Fists and various adventurers were called in. Nicholai proved himself a perfect assassin and worshipped Bhaal fervently. When he was 15, he would have a vision bidding him to kill the hag, Mother Radley. When he did, he would find the contract between the hag and his mother for his birth, as well as letters detailing his illness.

Outraged, his rancid blood bid him to turn on his parents and sister, failing the attempt before running away to Baldur's Gate under the false pretense of wanting a higher education and to eventually join a small group of Kelemvorite priests. There he would seek the attention of the Bhaalist cult, eventually being summoned to meet Sarevok and was christened as an initiate, changing his name to 'Nihil the Rotten'

────────────────────────

𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓

Nihil would train under the previous leader of the Bhaalist temple as an initiate from the age of 16, alongside his kin, Orin the Red. He would assume a false position as a medical student and Kelemvor cleric, specializing in the last rites of murder victims whose families could not afford services.

He would attempt to leave the cult at 21, with the help of his lover, a Lathanderan vengeance paladin named Flynn Bardr. However, he succumbed to his Urges shortly after a quick union and kill his new husband. Destroyed at the outcome, Nihil returned to the temple to face his kin and his mentor.

When he returned, the high priest attacked with the intent to kill the traitor, only for Nihil to kill him instead and claim his betrayal a test of his faith and take the high priest role for himself. He would proceed to grieve for his lover and beg Bhaal's forgiveness in private.

a few years later he would meet arms dealer and Banite Enver Gortash and they would agree to a tentative alliance at the behest of their gods. Over time they would both eventually be appointed as Chosen and enact Gortash's Accelerated Grand Design (not canon to RP, they would start a sexual relationship shortly after the theft of the Crown of Karsus.)

Orin and Nihil's relationship, already strained by his betrayal as she did not believe it a test of his faith, worsened as he took what she believed was her rightful place and began to brush her off, deeming her 'beneath him now'. This would lead to her betrayal in the Illithid colony.

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𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐍𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐈𝐋𝐎𝐈𝐃 𝐂𝐑𝐀𝐒𝐇

Overwhelming loss of memory, the only proof of who he is a scrap of paper of prayers and last rites read by clerics of Kelemvor and a dagger made of surgical steel, Nihil set out to seek aid where he could not provide it to himself. And yet, despite everything pointing to his divine position, he cannot hear his god like any other cleric...yet he still wields the arcane power of a priest.

Who is this power really coming from?

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[emotionallyrin]

im not doing better

this post is kinda an update, it's a proof that i'm still thinking about this platform and in full a talk about what i've been doing and how i'm still alive. showing how i'm still needing help and unable to get it.

may, for 3 weeks straight i couldn't think and had to purely spend all my focus on college. my brain was a mess, i was tired and it was normal. college students were expected to have a heavy workload so it wasn't like my struggling was abnormal and needed help. it just didn't help with my depression.

mostly these 3 weeks kinda acted as some form of therapy, i got my mind of what shitty thoughts i had and onto something else. it was stressful but it removed the thoughts i had for a brief period; also i leaned more into my kpop addiction during this time and it really helped me feel happy.

i finished those 3 weeks, took a short break and cleaned my room. felt that things were good for once. the title lied, i'm doing somewhat better but it's like the world hates me. in the last few days alone its been trying to bring up everything to make me hate myself.

old pictures of a friend i lost, pictures i thought i deleted coming back to haunt me and remind me of the grief i felt over that time. they're not dead, they just betrayed me heavily. it hurt. seeing them again made me feel dragged down, like a void was pulling me back to my roots and i was unable to escape. just as i thought i reached happiness- it ended with me getting so blinded by rage i hurt my hand and laid empty for a while.

throughout the month, although i was distracted a lot, i did write a few draft vents. things i needed to get out but never could at the time because time constraints i had or the inability to draw strength to write what i wanted, now i have the time and lack of care. half way through my pit of hell i thought of my ex again, and it hurt for a while. seems cliche and annoying, brooding over my ex, and it was. it hurt though.

on the positive, since that day i haven't felt all too bad about my ex. not as bad as i used to at least, being fully detached for 2 straight months has helped. april felt like the last month i had to deal with torture around that issue. in general, that month was mostly me alone. it was peaceful and a grind, i felt dead mostly. telling myself to meet the deadline on repeat like i was about to collapse. my brain felt numb, my headaches were loud, my brain almost split.

this past week of rest, has been amazing. i had a few days feeling like i was truly happy for once, thinking why do i need to be guilty that i'm over depression. then things slowly tumbled over and over. the nightmares started again; an old friend who died 2 years ago slowly pops into my dreams. i hate it. it's why i go to see his grave, like i'm paying respects to show i still remember so memories don't hurt me.

we weren't all too close but i'm sentimental i guess- apparently funerals does something to me. it's like my phobia with blood; i wasn't scared before i saw it but then it's now one of the only things i'm scared of.

my birthday is on wednesday. i have a headache, it really hurts. i feel like i'm going to cry alone that day or do something i regret. a friend i have, a lot closer than the other one, had his brother die recently. so recent actually he's not showing up to classes anymore. i didn't know his brother all too well but i'm going to the funeral for him- i'm very empathetic so i don't know how it will go. the funeral is on my birthday. i think i'm going to breakdown and cry.

[kintsukuroi-babes]

I always forget how bad it feels when I'm on a low, it's not just a low like how normal ppl feel it. it feels like the lowest point in my life, like I genuinely contemplate ending my life multiple times a week and that's just like a normal thing I have to endure. It's hard bcuz it's hard to describe what it feels like to someone normal who doesn't have bpd, they just kinda compare it to their lows but there's no comparison I don't think they even comprehend or understand how bad it is. It's like I'm in this constant never ending vicious cycle of fighting myself in my own mind. Ans like I just try and hide it bcuz it's so exhausting trying to get someone to understand how bad it is bcuz they'll never truly understand yenno. It's rly depressing when the low comes and feels like no matter how good I'm doing or how good things are the suicidal lows of complete despair is inescapable ans is never going to change. Like just knowing this is my life and there's nothing I can do to change or avoid or pretend everything's going good those moments are always going to happen and I'm going to have to feel that pain and feel like I'm drowning and it's never not going to not be like that. But that's just what ppl who live w bpd have to suffer thru on the regular.

I feel this intense pressure to be okay and not make anyone who cares ans loves me worried so I just suffer alone. Like today I wanted to just relapse so fucking bad but me on my mind already have so much guilt about how I've hurt everyone so badly and worried them scared them to death when I was using. So it's all this self hatred for myself for causing everyone so much stress and pain with having to watch me spiral and suffer and harm myself for years, making them cry, them thinking I was dead or was going to die I just hate myself for doing that to them so that's the only reason I didn't just go and relapse.

Just today I was feeling like I was being unwillingly dragged into the pits of hell and despair and thinking how unfair it was that no matter how hard I try ans be happy and prevent the spirals it was going to happen no matter what I do and I'm always going to be living what seems like half the time half my whole life just suffering.

I feel like everyone needs me to be okay ans I'm not okay. Today was the first day In months I cut myself and I feel so guilty about it like I shouldn't be doing it but I just needed to feel something I felt so numb ans just fucked in my head sick from anxiety.

I wish I was a normal person so badly ans I didn’t have to feel this way.

[ladybug-love-square-enthusiast]

Oh the love square shenanigans with this though

Marichat where Marinette is taken hostage by Chat and Chat has way too much fun teasing flirting threatening her and Marinette gets to interact with her enemy without bearing the brunt of his anger/baton.

And then way later Chat ends up getting patched up Marinette when he crashes into her balcony (idk maybe getting bruised up by a rival villain or after a particular harsh punishment from his father after losing to Ladybug), at this point even though they're enemies Marinette doesn't exactly enjoy hurting or seeing Chat hurt so she's using this opportunity to try to bully him into the good side (as opposed to completely ignoring or losing it when she does it as Ladybug (which actually isnt the case, Chat is definitely being swayed by Ladybug but he's trying to desperately block it out and getting angry at himself for being so easily tempted and wanting something that's impossible)).

Then it becoming a thing for Chat to drop in to occasionally flirt threaten her for kicks and Marinette trying to convince him to give up villainy (maybe he relents one day and reveals that he has no choice and Marinette hones in on that (it's proof that she maybe could redeem her long standing enemy) but he just tells her she doesn't understand) while also trying to sus anything out about him and Hawkmoth's plans (which she feels immensely guilty for but if it's to save further casualties then so be it)

And then Ladrien where maybe his father uses Adrien's civilian self as bait or hostage (idk maybe some kinda plan to get Adrien to put some tracker bug on Ladybug) and Ladybug comes to the rescue. Adrien obviously has to pretend not to be in a weird hate-but-in-denial-in-love with Ladybug to not give away his identity but Ladybug still notices the weird prickly energy he's giving (she chalks it up to the stressful situation and that it's not that out of character for this more reserved Adrien). At one point Adrien (high on stress from hiding his identity, the mission from his father, and from interacting with this more gentler (because he's a "hostage"/"victim") Ladybug) just snaps and lets slip some of the shit he's dealing with, his father, being forced into a path he didn't choose and didn't want but having no way out and nothing he can do without betraying the only family he has left and the only real connection (no matter how toxic it is) he has, how depressed he is from that, how he can only deal with it through numbing everything with apathy.

And Ladybug's heart just breaks for her classmate who she sees everyday and never really thought much more of while she was trying to ignore the silly minor ill advised crush she was nursing, and how unfair that might've been to (unintentionally) ignore him because of that when he was in need of some real friends and connection in his life. She bear hugs him at which point he goes from huffy angry boi to just letting go and breaking down crying (crying for the first time in years) in her arms. She tries to comfort him and secretly vows to do better for her classmate as Marinette at school as well.

Maybe after this Adrien can't bring himself to go through with his mission or maybe he does but with immense guilt and with part selfish want to know more about Ladybug (maybe he could approach her civilian self if he finds out who she is, for future intel on Ladybug and definitely not because he wants to just hang out with her noooooo of course not haha).

From then on Ladybug starts swinging by his to just check up on him (only very occasionally and not too long because she doesn't want to show too much favouritism but she is worried, plus she doesn't want him being in risk of being Akumatised so it's totally part of her duties riiight) and Adrien pretends it's for intel/to get an upper hand over her but actually he just likes being in her presence and being comforted by her out of his mask

Then Ardienette where Marinette (after all the things she finds out as Ladybug) decides to ignore her minor crush and try to be the friend Adrien needs. Adrien has already been interacting with her as Chat at this point and knows that he enjoys teasing her even though the goody goody two shoes preaching gets a bit annoying, and she's the second person (after Ladybug) to accept (or be willing to interact with at least, to be able to stand up to and against rather than cower away from) his ugly side (i.e. his Chat persona) ((even his father didn't accept his ugly side/Chat (too disgusted by Chat's failures to sometimes even look at him) and he was the one to create Chat (Adrien viewing Chat as the personification of all his failings and ugly emotions which is born from the treatment from his father))).

He ends up enjoying hanging out with Marinette as Adrien, being able to tease her without listening to the preaching and getting to bask in her gentler side (since she's much more feisty when he's Chat for obvious reasons, which he also enjoys teasing but it's nice to see her softer side too). She wants to try and get him to also interact with the rest of their class but he seems to not be all that willing (she doesn't know that she's an exception because she's "accepted" him as Chat), but baby steps, and he's already opening up to her at least so she doesn't push it too much

Enemies AU where Adrien is influenced by his father into becoming his super villain sidekick, but slowly falls for ladybug (from hate for making him fail in front of his father to grudging respect for her capabilities to a weird fondness since she is the only one to be able to weather all the ugliest harshest sides of him that he lets go of in his super villain persona)

Meanwhile Marinette has a minor crush on Adrian (but way less than in cannon because his civilian self is a bit more reserved and apathetic and maybe never bothered to detach himself from Chole even though he doesn't care for her, but Marinette still thinks he might be alright underneath it, it's just a bit of a shame he doesn't seem to try harder)

[bluerskiees]

Heyy! Could u do Mikey with a s/o who’s been struggling to figure out thier feelings and just kinda feels empty💀 myb like a cuddling session idk jshsjs anyway thanks in advance

Sano Manjiro 🖤🕊

[ You didn't mention which era of mikey so I'm just gonna assume it's mikey from bonten era ]

｡˳ْ 👤 ⍈ 𓇼 CW : Mentions of dark impulses, Y/n being an orphan like always, mentions of suicide , slight angst, kinda fluff ig?

𓇬 𓂃 📼 ⸰ 𓋼𓍊𓋼 ִֶָ  🗝 𓈒 𖧷

Mikey watched you as always, you weren't the cheerful, optimistic ray of sunshine anymore. The light was fading slowly but surely. He hated it. He knew how it was to be trapped by 'DARK IMPULSES'. All you did was love. Love him. Love yourself. Love everything around you. "It wasn't fair", he mumbled. You didn't deserve to go through this. His anxiety got the best of him. What if it's all because of him? Surely you wouldn't be like this if he spent time with you right? If he treated you better. If he spent time with you. Just the thought of someone snatching your happiness makes him mad. But— what if That someone was himself?

Guilt. Guilt and being helpless was the only things he felt these past few days. He couldn't even make his love happy, was he actually a good boyfriend? Was he treating you right? Are you— Are you actually happy in this relationship? These thoughts made him want to cry. But he couldn't. Afterall those impulses numbed him completely. He didn't want you to end up like him. A pathetic loser. So he decided to do something.

Mikey set up a warm water bath with essential oils and some rose petals. He knew you loved them. He could hear your footsteps indicating that you're near. Once you entered the bedroom, you were escorted into the bathroom by a guilty mikey. You were confused, wasn't he supposed to be busy right now? You remember him having a very important meeting now or were you wrong? He cancelled the meeting to be at home, with you. The view you saw after you entered the bathroom made you cry. You were glad that he still loved you and that was a punch in the face for mikey. Did you think that he didn't love you? He felt even more bad for hurting you like this.

Once you both entered the bathtub, he bagan massaging your shoulders asking you to tell about everything. He wanted you to share you emotions and that's when it came spilling out. The truth and your tears. Turns out you haven't been feeling good the past few weeks due to stress from your uni. It had drained you out completely, both physically and mentally. You didn't know what to do with your life. You felt pretty useless. You felt worthless. You felt EMPTY. The next 2 hours were spent in the bath with you revealing everything you've been feeling to your only family, Manjiro.

He knew you were an orphan, yet you succeeded with no one's help. He would be lying if he said he didn't look upto you. You were strong just like his brother, shin. Both pretty hopeless yet they fight with all they have. It hurted him seeing you break down like this. He couldn't help but join you in this crying party when you said you had thought of just committing suicide to escape feeling this way.

After you both showered, the rest of the night was spent by cuddling, kisses and countless words of affirmation by mikey. After a while, you both decided to go for a walk as it may help calm your mind and lets just say that he was honestly the cutest then. It looked like he was trying to overcome his dark impulses too. You saw a glint of the '15 y/o mikey who doesn't eat his food unless it has a flag on it' for a second. You both were helping each other overcome their dark past to build a happy family together and that's all you want <3

[orbitganymede]

Traitor

Word Count: 1667

a/n: This wasn’t requested but I was really in my feels listening to Olivia so here’s this kinda angsty piece. Also, this is no hate to Zendaya.

requests: open

Brown guilty eyes and little white lies, I played dumb but I always knew

Her heart ached, an ache that could be felt even though the rest of her body was numb. Her hands were sweaty, her shirt rumpled and hair a mess, she was a shell of who she used to be. She knew she shouldn’t let this ruin her, shouldn’t let this shatter her world. But here she is, staring at the pieces of her once happy self. The worst part? She knew the whole time.

The little friend dates that became more frequent, the staying longer in LA when he wasn’t filming, the posts on his Instagram story. All signs pointed to Y/N losing him. She never said anything, always responded with love, because that’s who she was, a lover not a fighter.

Although she wished she had fought for Tom, or maybe she wished he had fought for her. After 4 years she’d thought he would, or at least not cheated on her. Maybe it was the time apart, maybe it was that Zendaya was better than her, or maybe he just didn’t get lost in Y/N anymore, not the way she did in him.

That you’d talk to her, maybe even did even worse, I kept quiet so I could keep you

The bathroom door closed louder than she wanted it to behind her, but she was too focused on keeping her breathing normal to noticed. Why did she look? Why did she have to be curious? They were supposed to have a good night after so many bad ones. They had shared a nice dinner and watched a movie on the couch, holding eachother like they used to before everything changed. Then they had gotten into bed and Tom had turned over onto his other side to check his phone. Which was fair, they had both been radio silent for the last three hours and she almost followed suit. Until his text messages caught her eye.

She had promised herself she would never be that person, the significant other that would read messages over their lovers phone, but she couldn’t help herself. The red from the heart emoji had stolen her attention away from her own phone, at first she thought it was just his mom, she had been using the red heart for the past couple months constantly. But the capital Z as the contact name completely decimated those thoughts. Can’t wait to see you next week ❤️.

And ain’t it funny how you ran to her the second that we called it quits? Ain’t it funny how you said you were friends now it sure as hell don’t look like it

Her day had been filled with nothing other than tears, sad romcoms, and ice cream, as clique as that sounds. At least Tom had waited to break up with her until it was Friday, now she didn’t have to go into work and pretend everything was okay, she had a two day grieving period, hopefully that was long enough for her to get her emotions in check. 4 years down the drain, the happiest years of her life with what she thought was the love of her life. She didn’t know what to do, should she delete his number? She had almost done it right after the phone call, along with all of their pictures, but what if he called back? What if he wanted her back? She couldn’t lose that much of their relationship, all the happy times.

But now she knew he didn’t want her back, he wasn’t going to call or come home, he had everything he needed now. The pap pics of Tom and Zendaya kissing had reached Y/N, and it was crushing her even more. How could they do this? Zendaya was supposed to be her friend, Tom was supposed to be her forever. And here they are locking lips, trying to rub it in her face that they’re happy and she’s miserable.

Loved you at your worst but that didn’t matter

She remembers the last minute flight she took to see him last December, the one she almost lost her dream job for. But it was worth it for him. Tom had called her the Monday before and had cried on the phone to her about how stressed he was, how much he missed his family, how much he missed her. She had done her best to comfort him, but she was thousands of miles away.

After he had fallen asleep, her phone adorn with his perfectly handsome face, she had booked the flight, one that had costed a pretty penny. And then she was off, on her way to New York, where he was filming his new movie. The hug and kiss they had shared when they saw each other made her feel as if she was on cloud nine, lost in the sky but somehow grounded in his arms.

Usually after they had spent some time together, winding down from the day and rememorizing each others bodies, Tom would be fine, happy even. But the bags that hung under his eyes and the paleness of his face told a different story, he was exhausted.

He broke down that night, telling her everything that had been bothering him. How he wished he could just leave the movie, go home and see the people he loved most. He said he hated acting, something she never would have thought he would ever say, this was his passion, everything he had worked so hard for. She held him close, did her best to sooth him, and let him get everything out.

Now you bring her around just to shut me down, show her off like she’s a new trophy

When Nikki had invited her to the friends and family grill out, she had said no, before she even knew Tom was going to be there. Yeah, her and Harry hung out and maybe she took Paddy out for ice cream a couple times, but that doesn’t mean she’s still family. If anything she was an aquantince.

But of course Nikki had convinced her, along with the help of the youngest Holland brother, and here she stood, outside at one of the high top tables talking with Sam about a new cook book she had gotten. Sam was going on and on about why yellow onions are better than white ones when Tom and Zendaya walked in, looking as perfect as ever. Her breath had caught in her throat and her head had snapped back to look at Sam, his eyebrows drawn in confusion.

She gave a sorry excuse as to why she had to go, something about needing to grab a spice from the store before it closed. She hurriedly pushed through the crowd of people standing next to the door, spewing out a quick excuse me and a soft smile at them. She knew Tom had seen her, she had made direct eye contact with him.

When she finally made it to her car parked down the road, she felt helpless. There’s no way Tom didn’t know she was going to be there, she knew Sam had texted him about her being at the party. And he still brought Zendaya. Her world shattered all over again.

Remember when I brought her up and you told me I was paranoid

Memories flash across her eyes whenever she closes them, good and bad, ones she never wants to forget and ones she can’t seem to get rid of. Like the one where she had asked Tom if he would stay home instead of going to LA for the weekend for Zendaya’s birthday.

“I have to go, she’s my best friend,” He had said, a smile on his face as he looked at her, “I’ll be back by Tuesday, and you’ll have me all to yourself.” He kissed her on the forehead and ran his fingers through her hair lightly. “Don’t make a big deal out of nothing, yeah?”

Her eyes closed as she leaned her head against his shoulder, “You’ve spent so much time there recently, please just stay.” She knew this was an ultimatum and she hated it, choose me over her, she had thought. Every two weeks like clockwork he’d find a reason to end up in LA.

“I love you darling, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Don’t be so paranoid.” He was teasing her, his hands had slid down to her sides and tickled relentlessly until she burst out into laughter, “There’s my favorite smile.” Her heart sored.

I know you’ll never feel sorry for the way I hurt

She sat on their bed for the last time, looking at the picture of them at a friends wedding that sat on their bed side table, she had caught the bouquet that day. They had planned to change the picture when they got married, to a picture of their whole family at the wedding. But those plans were torn apart along with her heart.

As she went to leave she couldn’t help but pick the picture up, examine everything about it, they looked so in love, more than the bride and groom did. How could she have let her forever slip through her fingers.

She pulled the photo out of it’s frame and turned it over, she had almost forgot the note she had written on the back, to us, and the happy newlyweds, January 2019.She grabbed a pen from inside the drawer and scratched out the words that once resided on the page, she wrote a new note, one she hoped he would find. She wanted to hurt him.

God I wish you had thought this through before I went and fell in love with you.

[httpknjoon]

friends with history | ksj; 2.5

plot | You and Jin broke up. It’s a mutual decision. Another decision you shared was to stay friends, considering you two are in a single friend group. It’s easy, you thought. Both of you just have to act like you did not have a seven-year relationship while you hang out with your other friends every Saturday with your new dates.

chapter summary | In which, Jin brings you your chocolate milk when you are about to buy one.

words | 3k+

genres | angst, fluff, exes!au,

pairing | seokjin x reader

warnings | -

note | not feeling good these last few weeks so i kinda stop from writing. but here’s a new update! hope u enjoy it :))

main masterlist  | previous  | series masterlist

Nope. Just no.

Jin rolled on his now messy bed for the nth time ever since he got on it a couple hours ago. The events from the dinner earlier were too stressful that he thought he well get to sleep right away if he lays down on his bed. He was obviously wrong. Because even though he already changed to his comfiest pajamas and prepared to doze off, he does not feel even a tiny clue of sleepiness in his body. Instead, all he can do is think about you.

You left so suddenly after you declared your breakup to your friends. Yes, you updated him through text. But, it did not stop Jin from immediately getting in his car to possibly try to catch up with you at the nearest bus stop. But just when he stopped at the said stop, he saw the bus driving away, leaving the bus stop empty. He did not bother to follow you home after that. Jin kind of thought of it as a sign to maybe give you your well-deserved alone time after such a nerve-racking affair. He remembered slumping his shoulders and sighing before driving back to his house. It was only when he parked in his front yard parking lot, he noticed the same chocolate milk he bought before he picked you up.

He wondered if you left it on purpose. Or maybe you just honestly forgot about it.

Jin exhaled as he sat on his bed. His feet automatically wore his soft, gray house slippers, like they already knew that he is planning to go somewhere. Specifically, to you. Jin laid his eyes on his cream-colored curtains while he mentally lists all the pros and cons of driving to your house at this late-night hour.

“Oh, fuck it.”

He picked up his keys on the bedside table and stood up, making his way to you with a very hidden glimmer of hope that you will open your door for him.

“Ah, it hurts!”

You grunted as you tossed another crumpled (used) tissue on your bedroom’s floor. After all the wiping, your nose starts to feel slightly painful. The tissue box was almost empty in your hands while your back lies on your bed’s foamed headboard. After taking the first bus you saw two hours ago, you immediately got home. Well, not immediately, since apparently, the bus you rode on took a bit different route. You only got off at the nearest bus stop you know that is close to your house. So, you got home after walking for fifteen minutes from the said bus stop. 

You did not cry on the bus nor the time you were almost marching your path back home. You tried to hold in, holding your bag tight as you bit your inner cheeks. Too hard that they were close to being numb. You felt your knees turning jelly as you got closer to your doorstep. You finally gave up when you changed into some clothes you pulled from your closet.

The happenings from earlier just made you feel guilty for spoiling your other friends’ great news. You remembered your heart dropping when Younhee and Hiro announced that they are having a baby and you immediately thought how bad it will be to follow the news with the announcement of your and Jin’s breakup. Guilt crept up your body as soon as words came out of your lips and you witnessed your friends’ facial expressions change. It’s awful.

You wanted to leave as soon as you can. You considered waiting for Jin in his car. But, figured that you should take some time alone. After sending a text message to him, you found yourself riding the bus. Your phone has been turned off since. And because of the caffeine, you had this morning, you are barely feeling sleepy although you are tired. Mentally. Emotionally. You just want to sleep this all again. Just like what you have been doing this past month.

The chocolate milk.

The drink suddenly popped into your mind. The one Jin gave you back in the car. It will honestly help you to fall asleep, like what he said. You stood from your bed and ran to your living room, where you probably left your bag. You found your bag on the couch and you quickly rummaged through it to have the said drink. But, after making a mess by bringing out all the things in your bag, you got nothing.

“Well, that sucks,” you mumbled as you looked around your mess. Maybe I left it in his car.

You bit your lower lip. Again, you stopped yourself from tearing up. It is the one good thing that I have today. You admit that you have been a real mess today, possibly this whole month. But, you feel shitty with everything that you turned into this crybaby. Oh, please. They are having a baby. The thought suddenly came back. You looked up as you sighed so deeply that your chest heaved.

“Let’s just go buy that stupid chocolate milk.” you consoled yourself, standing up from your carpet.

There is a close convenience store from your place. So, you did not bother to put any effort into your look since it will be a quick run. You are aware that there is a very high chance you look like a mess but who cares. It’s not like you will run into someone you know. You held a few dollars in your hand as you walked out of your house. But again, who cares?!

You are still on your doorstep when you noticed a familiar car parking in front of your house. When its headlights blinded your sight, you squinted your eyes to confirm if you are seeing the person you were thinking of. And when the car stopped and a tall figure came out from the driver’s seat, you identified who it was.

“Jin.”

“Jin.”

He saw you before he heard your short and small call of his name. You looked more muddled than you were hours ago. Now in a familiar shirt, which he immediately recognized as his old favorite graphic shirt, you seemed more exhausted. He also noticed your puffy eyes fresh from crying. You honestly looked like you were about to cry again.

“Hey,” he greeted back lowly as he walked closer. Your feet remained planted on your small porch while he stood in your front yard. There was a noticeable distance between you two.

Your face slowly contorted into confusion, “What… what are you doing here?”

Your eyes moved to the black plastic bag he have in his hands. You secretly wondered what is inside of it.

“I… I bought you your chocolate milk. I thought of bringing it here since you left it in the car earlier.” Jin answered with all honesty as he took a bottle out of the bag.

He bought three more of the said drink on the way here. Your mouth gaped a little before you took a gulp.

“Oh, uhm, thanks. You should have not.” you paused. “I mean, thank you for bringing it. You should have not made an effort to come here– I mean, I appreciate your effort and of course, you can come here anytime. Well, uhm, not anytime. But—”

You exhaled as your hands held your head. You were jumpy as you do not know what to do or say to him. Everything is mixing in your head. Why did he come here? Should I invite him inside or just accept the milk? But, he brought it. He made an effort. I should at least let him inside. But I cannot let him inside. It is a mess. Everything is everywhere. I knew I should have cleaned up this morning–

On the other hand, Jin can read from your exterior struggling expression. So, he just spoke out, “It’s fine. I understand. Here.”

He walked closer again, handing you a bottle. Your hand slowly reached it.

“If it’s fine, can we talk?” he asked.

“Now?” you asked back.

Jin nodded, “Yeah, I just want to talk with you.”

He knew you understood what he meant when you slowly nodded and your lips formed a small o. You looked at him again.

“Yeah, sure,” you replied. “But, we cannot go inside. It’s a little messy.”

“Oh, yeah. We can talk here.”

Jin finally walked up to your porch. You sat on the small staircase and he sat right beside you. The black plastic bag rested in the space between you two. You pursed your lips as you looked ahead on the empty road, avoiding Jin’s gaze. Jin knows you are dodging his darting glance towards you. It took two minutes of silence before you spoke up.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” you tried to sound normal as you place your hands on your lap.

“You.”

You turned your head at him, “Me?”

“Yeah.” he nods and directly looked straight into your eyes. “How are you?”

“You… came to my house just to ask me how am I?” you stopped yourself from sounding surprised and a little hopeful at the same time. But you failed as your voice shakes. 

Jin, however, noticed how dumb his reason was, considering he drove almost thirty minutes from his place to yours in very late time at night. He cannot think of any more excuses so he just nodded his head.

“Okay.” you cleared your throat. “I’m… fine.”

Your lips quivered as you said that final word. It was subtle but your ex caught it nonetheless. He notice everything about you since he was studying your face. Your teary eyes were avoiding his once again.

“I’m fine,” you repeated like you are convincing yourself that you are indeed fine. Even though you know it deep down that you’re not. “You? How are you?”

You cocked your head back in his direction and your heart beats heavier when you instantly met his lingering stare. You do not like how you two know each other too well, like the back of your hands. Just by simple eye-to-eye contact, you can say a lot about what he feels. You can see his deep worry and sadness. Even though you hate it, you can also spot a pint of pity. He does too. The sorrow, pain, and tiredness from your orbs felt like someone took his heart and crushed it into pieces with their bare hands. He hates that he is in part at fault for that.

Getting drowned deep in his stare, you did not realize a single tear streaming down your cheek. Instead, you only realized it when you felt Jin’s thumb wiping it softly. He could not stop himself anymore, especially when you rested his head on his warm palm. Your tensed shoulders relaxed as well as your body. You sighed softly like it was a relief. And there, the waterworks began. You shook your head, moving away from his touch. You continued crying and covered your face with your hands.

“I’m so sorry,” you whispered your weak and muffled apology. “I-I… I am not fine.”

You were suddenly sobbing hard and were almost breathless as you confessed. He pushed the black bag separating the two of you to the side. He moved closer and pulled you in for an embrace. You buried your face in his chest. He moved his hand up and down on your back in an attempt to calm you down. Jin quietly listens to your sobs for what felt like a long minute until it all quiets down. 

“This is weird.” you finally spoke out, sniffing.

Based on your tone, it was a playful remark.  He knows you usually do that to avoid awkward scenarios. Small amounts of weight were lifted off his shoulders when you did it now. It made him feel a little reassuring about the relationship between the two of you.

Jin chuckled, “I’m your friend first, Y/N.”

“Then, ex second.”

It was an ugly joke. Everything remained quiet for a few seconds, exchanging a wide-eyed glance, before snorting.

“That was true though,” Jin added and you nodded. “How are you now?”

“Better, I guess.” you replied, opening one of the chocolate bottles since you felt your throat run dry from all the tears you let out. “Still feels shitty but more okay now.”

The sweet chocolate milk flows through your system like a cool relief. It has the power to calm your heart amidst the situation. Yeah, you may feel a little better since you finally have your favorite drink and you had someone to cry on to. But that someone was also part of why you are in this state currently. With a clearer and more stable state of mind now, you tried to start the conversation one more time.

“What really brings you here, Jin?” you made an effort to sound friendly than stiff or curious.

Jin gently rubbed the back of his neck, “I want to check on you after what happened in that dinner.”

Being reminded of that dinner, which took place just hours ago, made you hide your face again in your palms. “That was the worst dinner of my entire life! I felt like I ruined the whole baby announcement thing.”

“Well, you are not alone.” Jin related. “But the couple sent me messages to let us know that they are always there for us. So are the others– Wait, didn’t you receive one?”

You sighed, “I don’t know. I have my phone turned off after sending you a text.”

A sudden cool breeze of wind made you hug yourself and rub your arms to warm yourself up. You looked down your feet and watched your right foot tap with a non-existent beat. Jin eyed you again.

“How are you, Y/N?”

“It’s the third time you asked me that same question, Jin.” you chuckled sarcastically. “And I still have the same answer, you know. If you are asking about how am I after the breakup, I will answer the same thing. You will ask me why and I cannot lie because again, we both know the answer.”

Your tone was plain and simply narrated the possible scenario. Jin quietly agreed. Both of you stare somewhere else while silence grew between you. Not wanting to end the conversation on an awkward note, you offered him one of the bottles. 

“I bought it for you. Keep it.” he declined.

You sighed, “We don’t have anything to talk about, Jin.”

“Well, how about the future?”

Your nose wrinkled, “The future?”

The future– it’s like those words switched a bunch of images in your head. Before you only have one sure thing about your future and it was with him. Jin. but now, with the recent event, you still have not thought about it. So is Jin, that is why he brought it up. Other than the reason he does not have any more topics to think of.

“Yeah, uhm, are we going to be okay with hanging out together with the others?” he asked while fiddling with his fingers.

“Yeah, of course. We will be cool. We’re friends. We’re friends, right?” you instantly responded, trying not to stumble with your words.

“Of course.” he agreed. “And if someone brings someone…”

His voice trailed off when you turned your head at him with an even more confused and surprised expression. It was actually a mix of hurt, fear, confusion, and surprise. Jin thought if it was an insensitive question but he knew it was an inevitable possibility.

“W-Well, do… do you already have someone?”  you stuttered before biting the insides of your cheek. Your heart beating fast again as you remembered a specific person.

“No.” 

He didn’t mean to answer in a defensive tone. It was the same one he used when you two were on the verge of breaking up a month ago. 

“Theoretically, if we have someone to bring–”

“Sure. I guess, we will be fine.” you cut him off, wanting to end the conversation about it since you don’t see yourself dating again for a while. “Expect nothing from me, I won’t be bringing anyone for the following months.”

“Y/N…” he called your name and you forced out a smile of reassurance on your face..

“It’s fine, okay? If you want to bring someone… or her, it will be fine. I will be okay with it. I am not in the position to stop or control you with whoever you want to go out with, Seokjin. We’re just friends and that’s fine.”

Even though you did not mention a name, Jin knew who you were pertaining to. And he did not meant to make you think that way but he can see why you thought about her. His lips formed a thin line as he thought of something else to say, maybe to stop you from thinking that he will ever be with her. But you yawned beside him.

“You should go home already. It’s late.” you whispered after.

For the first time in years, he heard you say that again. He were used to you asking him to stay with you when he gets to stay too long in your house. And when you were hanging out with your other friends before, you two always have the same destination for home. He never have to worry about getting late staying anywhere with you because he knows he will always have to go home with you. But now, it’s painfully different.

“Jin?” Your tired voice snapped him out of his thoughts. 

He nodded and stood up, you followed. He took a step down your porch and turned around to you.

“Call me if you need anything, a friend or a chocolate milk.” he quipped. “It can be weird but–”

“I will.” you cut him off again, assuring him.

With your dim porch light being the only source of light, he took in your appearance for the last time. You were rubbing your eyes while your other hands holds the plastic bag he brought. Feeling like he did not said enough, he just simply wished he expressed more of his thoughts to make things better.

“Go.”

He was staring again and you cannot stand having another staring contest with him again without doing anything. 

“Okay, okay. Good night, Y/N.” he bid his goodbye.

As he walked to his car, you did not wait anymore for him to leave. Instead, you exhaustedly opened your door and got inside. When he turned around again before getting in his car, your door just closed calmly. Somehow making him a little disappointed.

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[anyoneseenadam]

Hi! Could you do an azriel x reader where they have a huge argument but it ends with fluff? Thank you!

pairing: azriel x reader (acotar)

warnings: mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, shouting, swearing and a butt ton of angst but with some fluff at end

a/n: this is kinda self indulgent because i’m vvv depressed rn and for some reason angst rlly makes me feel better so i hope u enjoy!! pls comment it rlly means the world <3

—————————————————————————-

You knew Azriel was stressed. His hands clenched, lips red from excessive chewing, his gaze stormy and sharp words hurting anyone that pried to deep. You knew you should leave him alone and let him finish whatever he needed to do, but it had been a week and while you had noticed he was stressed, he seemed oblivious to your pain.

You had woken up a week ago with a heavy head, your entire body weighing you down, making everything seem too loud and too bright. The first day you had laid in bed all day, barely eating and when Azriel found you hours later he simply presumed you had just taken an early night.

But you couldn’t sleep.

A few days later you were practically withering away. You had barely eaten in days; you couldn’t sleep, and you missed your mate horribly. Every part of you ached as you dragged yourself into the shower, desperate to scrub away the layer of dirt you could feel on your skin. You stood under the scalding water, hands moving on their own accord to wash your skin, your head moving a million miles an hour as your eyes itched from the hot tears that were mixing with the even hotter water.

You leaned a hand against the counter when you got out, your legs shaky and weak from the lack of food you had consumed, you considered just getting back into bed, but you knew you needed help. You had gotten like this before and it always ended in some form of unhealthy coping mechanism, but you had promised Azriel you wouldn’t do that again so you instead you pulled your clothes on again, not bothering to dry your hair and dragged your feet to the kitchen.

When you didn’t find him there you frowned but went about making yourself some toast to quell the nausea brewing in your stomach. With your food you padded through your house but couldn’t find him anywhere, feeling more hot tears spill as you realised he was out.

You knew his job was hard, but your heart ached as you realised he truly hadn’t noticed the change. You sent a pulse down the bond as you sank to the floor in tears, your head heavy and heart numb. You didn’t get any reply, so you tried sending another one, to no avail, almost as if he were waving away your cries for help.

You cried for about fifteen minutes, before standing and going back through to your room, sitting on your bed, and staring at a blemish in the floor as you fiddled with the toy you had kept since you were young. You felt guilty for the thoughts running through your head, never wanting to make Azriel alone but feeling so lost in your own head that all you wanted to do was die, to feel the lightness you vaguely remembered enjoying as a child. You were standing to move to your bathroom, itching for your razor when you heard the front door open, relief flooding through you that he was finally home.

You walked out the room, fiddling with the sleeves of your oversized hoodie as you went to meet him. He was standing in the kitchen, shoulders tight and your heart panged at the sight of him, stressed and tired. You considered turning and leaving him but remembered that he told you to always come to him when your head was being cruel, so you shuffled forward, wrapping your arms around his back, and pressing your face between his shoulder blades, breathing easier as you inhaled him, your heart feeling some form of peace at last.

But he shrugged you off, moving away from you and you felt white hot dread fill you.

“Not right now (y/n), I’m busy.” His voice was cold as he made himself a cup of coffee, not offering you one as he usually would.

“I- I know I just haven’t seen you in a while.” You fought to keep your voice steady, but he didn’t seem to notice or care about the breaks. You felt your breathing getting deeper and your hands were tingling as the panic rose in you.

“That’s because my jobs fucking important!” he shouted and you flinched, tears swarming in your eyes as you wiped your sweating hands on your hoodie, stepping to him.

“But you said I should come to you if-“ he cut you off by slamming his hands down, shoulder hunched and glare furious as he shouted at you.

“Will you just fuck off! I have important shit going on.” You stopped where you were standing as he picked up his mug, storming out the room and slamming the door to his office behind him.

Tears spilled out of your eyes and you stumbled as you sat down, legs and hands going numb as you hyperventilated, the panic attack hitting you full force as you sobbed into your hands, trying to muffle the sounds so you wouldn’t bother Azriel anymore than you already had. You counted your breaths as you dug your nails into your palm, trying to calm yourself down and thankfully, slowly your breathing began to return to normal as you wiped at your eyes.

Of course he didn’t care. No one else does, you don’t deserve him, and you should be thankful that you have someone so good to you. Half your brain was arguing in his favour as the other half protested, but he hurt you, you can’t let him in again, this is what happens when people get to close.

Your head kept arguing with itself as you pulled yourself upright, walking through to your room and climbing under the covers of your bed, crying yourself to sleep, head pounding and somehow heavier than before.

--

You woke up to an empty bed and pounding headache. You dragged yourself out from under the covers and went to receive a glass of water and some painkillers, finding Azriel in the kitchen.

He smiled softly at you when you came in, but you averted your gaze, going to the sink and filling a large glass.

“Would you like a coffee?” he asked, his hand coming to your hip, but you shook your head, pulling out of his grip and clearing your throat as a weighted silence filled the room. “I’m sorry I shouted at you,” he muttered, desperate to get you to look at him again, but you just turned away, muttering a small “it’s okay,” under your breath and leaving.

You walked back to your room and sat down on the bed as you sipped your water and taking two painkillers. Azriel followed you in soon after, guilt gnawing at his insides and he stood quietly and watched as you pulled the jumper you were wearing over your head, pulling on a clean one.

He inhaled sharply as he saw the change in your body, moving closer to you.

“Have you been eating?” he asked, and you closed your eyes, facing away from him and staying silent as you no longer trusted your voice or temper. “Baby, you have to eat.” While he said it in a pleading manner, your brain heard it as angry, thousands of comments pertaining to how worthless you were springing to the forefront of your mind.

“It’s kinda hard to eat when you want to die.” You snapped and Azriel felt a pang go through his heart.

“(y/n). You promised me you would come to me if you felt that way,” he was frustrated, hating himself for getting annoyed at you but angry that you were ignoring him.

You laughed bitterly and you went to the bathroom, scrubbing the old makeup of your face, “I did. Or at least tried to,”

You stormed past him, pulling on a pair of joggers before moving to leave the house, but Azriel caught your arm.

“You haven’t done anything stupid have you?” he asked, worry and guilt filling him as your eyes filled with tears, finally looking at him enough that he could see the dark circles surrounding your hollow eyes, your skin dull and lacking its usual dewy finish.

“Why do you care.” You pulled your arm from his grip, stepping back and creating space between the two of you.

“Because you’re my mate and I need to know that you’re okay.” He tried to move closer again, but you stepped back so he stopped.

“Your mate huh? Then why haven’t I seen you in a fucking week, even though we fucking live together! Why are you only just noticing that I’m struggling!?” each word hit him like a blow and only his decades of training stopped him from bursting into tears, falling to his knees and begging your forgiveness.

“I was struggling so much, I couldn’t leave my bed, I wasn’t eating, I wanted to kill myself and as soon as I tried to reach out for help you shut me down.” You head was bowed, tears flowing freely as you sobbed into your hand.

He stepped closer his arms wrapping around you as you sobbed into his chest, “I’m sorry baby, I’m so, so sorry,” he kissed your head, his heart cracking at your next muffled words.

“You only care now because you feel bad. I don’t need your sympathy.”

“No baby, I’m sorry. I care so much I was just tired and stressed last night and I know that’s not an excuse, but you have to know how much I care about you. I love you so much and I need you to be okay.” He tightened his arms around you, bringing the two of you to kneel on the floor.

“I’m not okay Az,” you muttered, and his chest tightened as he stroked your back, allowing you to cry for as long as you needed.

“I know baby, but it’s okay. We’ll get through this, together.” He kissed your forehead lightly and you tilted your head to look at him, eyes wide and glassy with tears. He kissed one of the tears that was slowly trailing down your face away and you sniffed, before he kissed you lightly. He picked you up and carried you over to the bed, the two of you lying down together, tucked safely into his arms as he whispered sweet nothings and apologies to you as you fell asleep. Tears drying on their own.