#guess thats why i dont like the word depression when it comes to it

[magnoliamyrrh]

v tired of this "i dont want to do anything" ordeal. i dont even feel...."""depressed""" idk that doesnt seem like the right word to put on it. maybe it is tho. idk. ive just been spending a lot of time on school stuff which is good and im glad for, but when i get free time i Dont feel guilty abt i just,,, :/ nothing feels right or satisfying or like something i wanna do

[seokmn]

YOUR EXISTENCE

pairing: husband!mingyu x gn!reader

wc: 0.5k words

it was supposed to be another ordinary day. mingyu would get back from work with a tired expression, but hed still have a smile on his face, immediately walking towards you and peppering you with kisses while hugging you and telling you how much he missed you throughout the day.

however, this time was different. mingyu opened the front door with a devastated look on his face, which made your smile instantly drop when you turned around to look at him. even on his worst days of work he would never come back with such a bad facial expression. he didn’t greet you with a smile or a soft voice, just with a somber hum

“hey.. food’s ready, gyu” you said softly, but he just nodded and took a seat on the dinner table, not minding to look at your direction. hes never like that, so you were dead worried, was someone being mean to him at work? did his boss shouted at him?

the dinner was silent, you kept glancing at him while he still didnt even bother to look at you. it was almost like he was ashamed, or maybe pissed at you. the lack of information was killing you.

“okay,” you released the cutlery on your plate, “what is wrong? who do i need to kill?”

“me.” he said staring at his almost untouched plate.

“you? why? gyu.. what happened, love?” you rechead his hand and rubbed your thumb against it, making him start to hold back his tears, “come on, talk to me, please”

mingyu took a deep breath before finally looking at you, he then looked at your hands, your hand holding his in a gentle yet firm way, “i got fired,” he sighed and leaned back on the chair, his hands running through his hair in a frustrated way, “i dont know what to do now”

you looked at him with a empathetic look, “your boss is dumb. he just lost the best employee he had in that entire company” you took his hands once again, “its going to be fine”

mingyu shook his head in denial, it was so hard seeing him being pessimistic because he would always be the one to think in a positive way. at this point, tears were already coming out of his eyes while he looked at you with such a depressing expression, “i feel like i dont have reasons to exist anymore”

you immediately placed a hunk of meat in his mouth to shut him up, “im the reason of your existence and youre the reason of mine. this is not the end of the world because you’re such a hardworking person and you gave me. youll soon find another job because you’re good”

“thank you, love” he said while wiping away his tears, “i guess youre right, its not the end of the world. ill find another job”

“good, thats the spirit! now dont you ever say something like once again or else it will be the end of my world and i wont know what to do” he chuckled hearing your response, “got it.. i love you, yn”

you smiled, “i love you more, gyu”

[ganondoodle]

since seeing a post from a mutual yesterday i was thinking about how grateful i am that i can now, confidently say something like -im taking demise away from nintendo- or -hes MY character now- while knowing that the people following me will understand that thats not actually possible and also i dont mean that literally literally (duh)

bc (while i have mentioned it in the past and im not trying to fish for sympathy with this, the memories ... and trauma really does come back every now and then) there were people once that imagined i said that about a popular character in the fandom i was in when i was a teen and proceeded to try (and nearly succeeding bc i was already struggeling alot with depression, anxiety and undiagnosed autism) to bully me into killing myself; perhaps it wasnt their actual goal, but the shit they did (alot of them were adults too), was absolutely insane, but i've only been able to see that wayyyy after the fact

like even if im remembering wrong and i did word it wrong or weird or in a way that was easily misunderstood, i was a teen, with english not as my first language and it still was some fandom shit that ultimately did not matter and never in any scenario warrented that level of harrassment, i dont even think i ever told my parents bc i thought i had to deal with it alone since i 'caused' it too and since then just ... wanting to forget it ever happened

while i am much, much better now, and slowly learning to manage my mental health struggles too, i do wonder just .. how much of how i am today was shaped by that horrible experience, like the way i overly try to pre-apologize and put doubts on every thought i write out, or the panic i feel when something does go outside my usual range (mostly twitter really ..) was immensely worsened by that .. among stuff i probably dont even realize

funnily enough, i made my account on tumblr to try and flee from all that was happening to me (even if they did stalk me at first .. even here) and hey, im still here :D

i guess what im trying to say is, i am very happy to still be here, i am grateful to be able to be myself, even with its downsides, even with my problems, even if the things i do are passable at best, even if i will never "make it big", even if i am annoying at times, even if i do mistakes still, even if i am .... horribly bad at replying to the awesome people that message me-

there are, at least a few people, who enjoy, or even care, or heck, even think about what i draw and write, which is .. still mind boggling to me and i might never be able to truly believe its all real, there are people who are able to see beyond my flaws, forgive me if i do missstep or overreact, and just be aware that even with everything i share about me, there is lots you dont know that may inform why i feel a certain way about something, but thats okay, i am human, i am here, there are people who enjoy my brainworms, and perhaps even think i, as a person, am nice

i am so grateful for that

some things are good

[lucid-daydreaming-archive]

intro post whoopee!!!

hi guys im lucid :D you can also call me daylin i don’t really care but i may be like woah how do you know my name (i will forget about making this post 2 seconds after posting it) also I AM AN ADULT im 23 and i do not use pronouns just use my name pleaseeeeeee if you have a disability that makes words hard to process i understand if that’s difficult you can just use they/them instead

i am part of the zodiac system! however this is MY blog. alters may speak on here if they absolutely must but this blog is mine and belongs to me!

first off just getting this out there if youre proship, zoo, pedo, incest supporter, endo system supporter, any kind of discriminatory against protected minority groups, and anti-otherkin, shoo. dont want you here youre not welcome. bye bye my content isnt for you.

immmmm an infp-t 4w5 sanguine-melancholic existential-intrapersonal-visual learner seer of heart prospit dreamer true neutral rogue shifter airbender and dragon type trainer for all you personality label freaks

i like to DRAW!!!!! this is an art blog!!!! i will only post art here, all of my reblogs will be on @rigormortisorwhatever save for the posts my close friends make that i want to support here. sometimes i will post just text but thats only if i really need to let you guys known something or im answering a question

my commissions are OPEN!!!!!!!! dm me for commission info im too lazy and busy to make a sheet

if my requests are closed that means theyre closed dont ask me to draw shit please and thank you

im AUTISTIC i am on that mf spectrum been diagnosed since i was three. for me this means im not naturally fluent in social norms or what’s expected from an interaction or how to read others very well. i am also horribly inept at understanding boundaries so please if you are to set one with me give me an explanation as to why or else i freak out. i also have heavy special interests and find it really hard to turn the conversation away from something im fixating on or specially interested in. i also have extremeeeee sensory issues and a hard time being completely flexible when im comfortable in a routine so just be patient with me man adjustments are hard for me. my empathy is also extremely low and im a really really high masking person so if i come off as well versed or allistic just know that i either took a million years to format the right way to say things or i am entirely going off a predetermined script and will fumble if caught off guard. other important stuff ive got adhd bpd cptsd and major depressive disorder which all those combined makes me really flaky when it comes to responding or follow through. i may not reply to you for like 500 years or maybe i will be gods speediest most motivated soldier. just don’t expect me to be a readily available fully capable robot ok?? ok.

uuueeehhhmmm my special interests are pokemon, homestuck, geography, taxonomy, my ocs, ikea, and personality psychology. i guess i also am specially interested in dragons because i like and think about them more than all of the above and have to incorporate them into everything but its less of an ill infodump to you interest and more of an i want to be surrounded by this thing because it brings me extreme comfort because it feels like me.

i am otherkin im a dragon and i look like this:

i will also represent myself like this if im feeling it:

yes i know i am not actually a physical dragon and im not a spiritual kinner i kin for identity purposes and the fact that i feel some pretty intense crippling species dysphoria idk ive been like this since i was 5 i don’t really have memories of my life where i wasnt experiencing animalistic behaviors and instincts

my favorite music artists are s3rl twenty øne piløts nine inch nails muse onerepublic thefatrat glass animals ajr the living tombstone romanceplanet basshunter and italobrothers my favorite medias are the httyd movies pokemon homestuck rick and morty invader zim infinity train gravity falls rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead doctor who my little pony fim dont starve and the mcelroy brothers content

heres some more characters i represent myself as:

ok BYE

[sunnynoki]

We don’t talk a lot - We haven’t talked in probably about a year or so now, since I left the fandom space we met in. I’ve changed usernames since then - I went by Wheat on discord. Sorry I’ve been so distant. I never knew how to talk to you since it’s been a while.

Even still, I want to tell you that you were important to me, and still are. I wish we could talk more. I want to talk about your new interests. What are you into these days? I’ve been getting into some older games these days, but I’ve been missing pokemon a bit. I want to get back into it. Do you still draw Sky? I never asked you about them with as much detail as I wanted to. I was always worried about being too intrusive, but I regret that now. Your OCs are really imaginative. I know you’re into tensura now, right? Season 3 is coming out soon. I’m excited for that.

I want to get to know you again. I don’t know what happened with whatever you left behind, and I don’t know if this is a weird message to send, but you’re important to me and I want to let you know that you are. I wouldn’t be who I am if you weren’t there in the beginning. Thank you for being you.

i dont know how to talk either. every sentence i say either feels fake or self centered, selfish. and dont worry about being distant; it happens, especially when interests change. i dont blame you.

youre important to me too. i wish we could talk more. im not into much right now. i just feel empty. i gave up su/bmas, after everything. it was too much, not knowing who i could trust not to fucking ship them, or think its ok in any circumstance. yet sometimes i still crawl back to the tag, despite blocking it a while ago. i dont touch anything though, just look. it doesnt bring me joy anymore. i think im finally letting it go. i dont know how i feel about po/kemon yet. its kinda just. there. maybe im just feeling particularly apathetic right now.

i don't really draw anything right now. i dont know if i can go back. it was my only hobby, yet my therapist said that it wasnt enough, even when i was at my lowest. well, at the time. ive set a new low score at this point. i dont want to draw. i don't know what id draw. i dont think i can. my computer is kinda a no mans land at this point. i don't really touch it anymore. im glad you liked sky though. i never understood why she garnered so much attention. i could never write a good enough character for her. she was a mary sue in that way, with no real character flaws, let alone the... everything else. either way, like i said, im glad you liked her regardless. it means a lot. the attention i got because of her made me really happy.

like i said, im not really into anything right now, but i guess tensura would be regarded as an "interest." im... looking forward to season 3. i read one of the light novels thats going to be adapted a month or two back though, so i guess its gonna be a moment before i get to "new" content.

i dont know if theres anyone to get to know anymore. i was already in a depressive episode before this disaster, now i dont know if theres any going back, if theres any way to recover. it isnt a weird message to send, and its appreciated that you care for me but. im not sure if i can trust anyone again. im not sure if i can even trust myself. even in the aftermath, the people i thought i could trust either no longer talk to me or still interact with those who hurt me. i guess its selfish to ask them to cut off those friends too. but ive always been selfish. self centered. egotistical.

regardless, im glad i had some positive impact despite my mess of a personality. thank you for your words

[psychoticallytrans]

This is gonna be a weird question, and im sorry in advance if i dont word it the best. is it possible to only have temporary psychosis, or, i guess, episodic psychosis? im bipolar (type 2, i *think*, my psychiatrist isnt one for divvying the two up tbqh and im not either) and back when i wasnt medicated, during 2021ish, i had what was most likely a psychotic depression episode (and have probably had more before, but my memory is really bad). i didnt get that diagnosed; i told my school counsellor about how i was feeling and she just kinda went "thats... a little out of my paygrade" sdfghjk. now that im medicated i dont have those kinds of episodes anymore, but, well--my symptoms have gotten worse lately, likely due to stress (i am a trans man, easily clockable as trans, living in florida, plus i've had life stuff going on) and i suppose im just wondering if you have any advice for trying to catch an episode before i'm near the end of it. sorry if this is technically easily-google-able, but i'll be honest, i dont trust random articles more than i trust people with the conditions they're talking about, given how stigmatized a lot of mental illnesses are. thank you for your time !! have a good day !!

No, it's not weird at all! It's certainly not easy to google, if you want accurate information. I'm glad you felt comfortable coming here to ask. Psychosis is a symptom. Specifically, it's a response to stress. Some disorders, like bipolar, make you more prone to it than average, lowering the amount of stress that needs to be applied for you to experience psychosis. For some people, the bar is zero stress applied for them to experience psychosis. For most people, the bar is pretty high, requiring major stress sustained over days for them to experience it- and when the stress is removed, they are no longer psychotic. In other words, the vast majority of people's psychosis is temporary!

It sounds like that for you, the amount of stress required is lower than most, and you're looking out for how to manage an episode. That's a great question to be asking, and I'm glad you're taking care of and looking out for yourself.

The first thing is to think back to your first episode, and think about what symptoms you experienced. Were there hallucinations? Delusions? What were they about, and how did they feel? Identifying what you experienced can help you figure out if you have an episode coming up. For me, the first thing is always hearing things that aren't there, like footsteps. Figuring out what your first thing is can help a lot. Next, think about what might help you figure out what is and isn't real. For visual hallucinations, a lot of people use their phones to check by looking through the camera app. For auditory ones, earplugs and recording then playing back sound are both common ones. For hallucinated smells, most people use nose plugs, but I use essential oils because they work better for me. I cannot smell anything past them, so anything that doesn't smell like the oil ain't real. For taste, I hear a lot of people use an ice cube on the tongue, but I don't have those. Anyone who does, please chime in! For tactile ones, usually touching the spot yourself will help.

Delusions are more complicated, especially when you're in the middle of them. The strategy that works best for me is basically examining my thoughts. First, I figure out if it's rational or not by applying logic. Why am I thinking this? Does it have a good reason behind it? Next, is this thought going to harm me or other people? If not, I leave it alone. You can choose to examine your benign delusions if you like, I just choose not to.

If it is (a common one that falls into this category for me is paranoia about leaving my home when I need groceries), I essentially start laying out an argument against myself, using my past experiences and research to resist the irrational thought (ex. going to the store is safe, even if it wasn't I can kick most people's asses, and if I can't do that I can scream loud enough to alert anyone within about a quarter mile, and even if something crap happens to me, I'm trained in First Aid and regularly update my training.). This can be difficult, and sometimes fails for me.

I also noted that you specifically had psychotic depression. this ca make things harder, because it's hard to do things when you're depressed. I recommend prepping for the possibility of an episode. Find ways to make your life easier. A list of self-accommodations you may find helpful:

Get some meals you can microwave. Make sure your meds are right next to something you can take them with. Try to keep enough clean laundry around that you won't have to do laundry during the episode. Disposable dishes and utensils are another great accommodation. Have a big trash bin you can pile trash into, and a misc box or hamper so that you can shove shit in it that you don't have the energy to put away, so you still have a floor to walk on safely.

The episode will be over, eventually, and you'll need to take care of whatever happened during it, but the better you take care of yourself during it, the faster it will be over.

If anyone else has advice, please feel free to add on!

[almalvo]

STAR TREK: DISCOVERY | S1E5 "Choose Your Pain"

[I will react to each episode individually and in full, raw reception and then post as is unrevised here onto my tumblr for the full span of every and all NuTrek episodes and series that have been and will be released. If this falls under your field of interest - I welcome your company in joining me. Enjoy the ride.] -------

yeah i still dont like a black woman being "someone to fear burnham" idk guess we'll see. hmm i feel like there could be something in that telescope oml this view into the bridge and other facilities onboard discovery at the start of this episode is SO PRETTYYY let me LIVE. there. oh this is weird oh so space bear gets the titty stab but not burnham XD ofc ofc awww space bear depressed let him outttt id be depressed too, stuck in there with only a slop bucket and no moss in sight :/

ayyyyeee vulcan aboardd also why katrina's eyes are so red is she ok? bruh i been preoccupied by tardigrades too um ok lorca, mr. isaac clarke over here with your eye stabbery i kinda like lorca's face. hes so "f everything idgaf" oh my god the scale of the ship next to the shuttlepod

beat em up oh crap hmm hes gone so acting captain'll be saru thatll be interesting ugh i love this intro theres this feeling of utter suspension hearing and seeing it ugh seeing discovery fly through all these things and spin its so nice ugh the handssssssssssss i love the measurements and all these things and the constellations left behind ugh so much to see look at saruuuu cant wait till he frkn understands burnham's previous decisions and can stop treating her so blah i love his eyes WHO ARCHER JONATHAN AAAA PIKE CHRISTOPHER OH FUCKKKKK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AND THEN IT WILL BE you know. you know. YOU. KNOW. oh my god ok shaking okokokokok MUDD DID YOU JUST SAY YOUR NAME IS MUDD MUDDDDDDDDDDD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA oh my god this is so cool

oh dang. this poor guy. he was just in there to get foot in face. you sure are mudd. you sure do do that survivin. hi stamets. lmaooooo he knows hes brilliant - get it stamets own that shit it is kind of odd hearing burnham say such praise haha oh yeah its all BURNHAMS fault uhuh. cool to see some lone captain scenes its so odd to see such serious lighting in a trek production. listen. this is still all so NEW to me k. this guy ash tyler is pretty what is that its cute but also id be way to scared to come anywhere near that thing ughhh this outside shot of ncc discovery is so PRETTY thats so interesting? warp freeways because of space shrooms. damn. im with it.

DI DID DID DID THE THEY USE THE F WORD ON S T A R T R E K ???? DID THEY FUCKING USE THE FUCKING F BOMB ON FUCKING STAR TREK, ON THE FUCKING STAR TREK ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW HOLY FUCK I DID NOT I DID NOT HEAR THAT. my fucking mandible fell off when i heard that. i cannot believe what i just witnessed. i cannot believe my ears. not even AOS did the "fuck". oh my god "fuck" is canon in trek. that brought tears to my eyes hang on yall holy. shit… ima table that cuz i cant get over that idk when i can wow

saru has the perfect voice its so saru. its really cool to see his face like this the prosthetic is so great. it looks more real than (almost) anything pure cgi. cuz it IS real. i love it. beautiful example of practical effects. beautiful execution. also sorry but "predator"? really…? i dont appreciate burnham's treatment at all when its already bad enough that black women are almost always represented racially or with such a societal disdain cuz fucking EVERYONE hates black women. it is what critically annoys me in this series above all else so far :/ also sorry but WHAT THE FUCK DID STEWART DO HOW DARE YOU FUCKING THROW IT FUCK. YOU.

#LorcaNotMyCaptain

ugh not again with the titty stabbers. dude. this is slavery. let the fucking space bear go. look what you did to it. he shriveled up to survive. i HATE the treatment of other lifeforms in this series so far. CRACK IT OPEN? fuck you saru. fuck you too stamets. man everyone is so unlikeable. thats another issue i have in this show so far almost everyone is unlikeable af.

i didnt get to know phillipa that much so not much to say. burnham is so standoffish, idk if we have anough time to unravel her dimensionally. sylvia is kind of more annoying than endearing. lorca is lorca. ofc i dont like him (except i DO like an unperfect captain - i just wonder if hes redeemable). stamets is so catty like i get it yes be proud of your ideas that people might be ignorant towards but bruh still theres not enough good quality to counterbalance it so far. saru looks cool sure but hes so blatantly crass towards even other non-human lifeforms when he himself is non-human, cuz sry all that "crack it open" bullshit is gross af, desperation or not. i would NOT want him as my acting captain, ill say that, no matter how pretty he might be. i like ash tyler the most so far. i mean i get it its only episode 5 of 15 in s1 of 5 seasons - but still maybe im not too used to this many characters simultaneously being difficult to connect with. im gonna wait and see if this all develops. saru's feet. are hooflike his hands are so expressive his shape is so hes so lank. im SO impressed with how amazing he looks up close. i can SEE the subsurface scattering of his skin and the blood in his veins yeah please. we need this small talk with saru. thanks. k. i needed to see this redemptive quality in saru and co. cuz the getgo, everyones so adverse to alignment and connectivity

poor space bear i really hope you will be happy out there, mossie. youre FREEEE oh my god. space bear just warped. oh my god WARPING space bear. i need a plushie of it. mossie. stamets and doc. they gay for each other. they hubbies. they are literally brushing teeth together. yeuip. they gay. mhm. for sure. wow. first ever fucking explicitly gay couple in star trek. and it took this FUCKING long. i aint talking about TOS yall, we all know the love story that is the first 4 seasons + 6 classic films + 3 alternate reality films of Star Trek k - i just mean very literal and established archetypically, that makes sense. about fucking time. IDIC is literally mother gay but this took half an entire century to fucking show a gay couple onscreen. fuck me. k well. SNW Season 2 and 3, dont let us down. Im going to fucking die if theres even a wisp of something near Lower Deck's "K+S" carving scene. i digress.

alright DISCO, ima see how you unpack all this universal animosity, cuz damn are you thick with it in the first entire third of your first season.

[the-kipsabian]

for the fanfic asks: 1, 8, 13, 20, 23, 25, 29, 43, 46, 72, 79 💚

1. Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike? most fics come to me in forms of dreaming while im trying to sleep, so yes. the one good thing about insomnia currently is that i get to rotate so many blorbos and scenarios in my head that i have a lot of content to write lol

8. Post an out-of-context spoiler from a wip. i have like. one current wip in docs that i might work on again at some point so here. technically its not a spoiler since its the whole premise of the fic buuuut

13. Do you listen to music while you write?  If yes, what have you been listening to recently? pretty much always? i focus better when i have matching vibes, unless im having a sensory moment but usually then i cant really write either honestly. "puppet master" is my current playlist on loop, its just my two kip playlists combined into one to fit the mood of immortal fears lol

20. Do you prefer writing AUs or canon fics? pretty much all my stuff in canon divergent on some level honestly, so i guess aus? not in a very obvious sense of aus but yeah. tho i do love me some extra sad aus too, post apocalyptic aus my beloved.....

23. Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest? middle part is the easiest, ending is the hardest cause i either never know when to end a story or how to end a story like. i want to have that final impact and sometimes its so hard to pinpoint where that should be. middle is just a good flow usually if i get that far and thats where all the good ideas usually happen so its my favorite <3

25. What’s your favorite part of the writing process (worldbuilding, brainstorming/outlining, writing, editing, etc)? probably the writing itself. like i can have a shit ton of good, even great ideas while brainstorming or outlining things, but usually the biggest things happen while im actually putting the words down. i really enjoy it when the story just flows and how it comes together. also i have discovered i absolutely loathe the editing part LOL

29. What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of? personally i think i can bring emotions to life really well. be it happy or sad (mostly sad tho i love my sad depressed uncomfortable bitches), i feel like i have the words for them that fit

43. Is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet? hmmmmm i dont really know? i mean i have plenty of ideas sitting in my drafts and in my brain and stuff, but i dont really think i have a lot that i absolutely NEED to write. maybe that one bunnelope fic i wanted to do about a love potion gone wrong cause girls need to be gay or something

46. If you could only write one type of AU for the rest of your life, what would it be? once again - post apocalyptic au my beloved. anything that takes place "after the world ends" in one way or another is my shit. gimme all the post apocalyptic hell i crave for

72. What’s your favorite writing compliment you’ve gotten? basically every time someone says i nailed a character im writing for the first time. cause i take a lot of pride and put in the effort to try to give them each their own voice and i study my materials and yeah. ..hence also why im so hesitant so often to write about new people cause i am a perfectionist when it comes to characterization especially ajksdnkjasd

79. Do you have any writing advice you want to share? this we discovered last week to be a really functional advice so: if you dont know how to start writing a scene, put someone in a room. make them enter a space, and start from there - why are they there, who else is there, what is their purpose in that space, what is that space?

also first drafts dont need to be perfect, everything can be edited in post, even after you post the thing if youre planning on doing so. hell some published novels have typos in them, let alone nonsensical writing and storylines. you dont need to be perfect, as long as you are writing

and obviously you are your own audience first and foremost. write for yourself yo fuck the rest (unless the rest are into it too then thats great but you should still write for yourself first and consider everything else second lol)

fanfic writing asks ~

[tears-of-boredom]

update on my thing with cigarettes:

i genuinely dont know where it came from, maybe playing disco ely, but I just have this constant desire to have a smoke. and it really doesnt help that I see at least one person smoking whenever i leave the house. i guess im just really confused. i wasnt afflicted to second hand smoke when every adult near me smoked, or i wouldve seen the effects of that way sooner. and growing up ive always been so confused as to why someone would want to smoke cigarettes. that was like the one thing i wouldnt do to get a friend. so im just confused as to why. at least I cant buy cigarettes yet so theres that like safety net for me. and my sibling wont offer me one because they just arent that type of person, they'd need to know that I already smoke for them to feel comfortable offering. and while the tone of voice i use while thinking about those things tends to be negative, I genuinely im glad for them. because I really don't want to get lung cancer when i dont even understand why i desire it so much.

i should really talk to an adult about this. but I just dont trust them to give any helpful advice, just some shit like "dont throw your life away" or "smoking kills". thats the problem with me I think, i dont truly trust anyone, not even myself. but it doesnt manifest in a way where I wont let somebody borrow something from me because i dont trust them to not break it,, it comes in this way, where I don't trust that anybody means what they say, and I dont trust anybody enough to even give them a chance to prove me wrong. and the adults near me have succesfully gaslighted me into believing that im not aware of my emotions, or myself in general,, and that they know better.

i really need therapy, but i dont trust it to be any different from the hundreds of times ive talked to different adults about my feelings. I'd need somebody to force me to go, but also then id just mask the whole time and not get anything out of it.

did i mention that i talked to my sister a week ago. we basically just had a therapy session together, talking about our trauma and depression and shit. she told me that one of my expiriences sounded a lot like depersonalisation. ive heard that term before, but I have this thing where i can never believe that theres actually anything wrong with me. anything that you could diagnose or put a word to at least. but hearing my sister, a third party, say that, actually helped a bit in that regard.

im really tired. and i need to eat. and take my meds.

im so tired dude. of everything.

[ladyloveswritingblog]

Lady Love: Weightless Snow

When it gets this cold the snow is lighter. I can tell from going on my walks, by the weight of my feet on the world on a mild day. When the snow coagulates.

Im on the precipise now. I feel like Ive hardly had a childhood, and soon it will all be gone. On December 28th I will be 18 years old.

Only 4 days

I dont know what to do with it. I dont really know what my life has amounted to. Ive stayed an outsider. I see myself a still figure, standing in the snow. Dancing in the dark.

I havent gone to any clubs, besides a writing club, and I hardly share what I write half the time anyway. My characters are all I have of me im...im so quiet. I wanna be someone. I feel like I should be someone, but who? I dream of making music and singing songs...but the words arent coming.

If only I was weightless, like the snow.

Im failing two of my classes my senior year of high school, sleeping through both of them. Im half awake now, looking out the living room window on Christmas Eve. It's so warm in here. But out there? How cold will it get? How cold would I be in that waterfall?

"Meridia?"

"Brother."

My older brother is home for the holidays.

"You know you can call me Zack."

"I prefer brother..."

"Okay..."

What are you thinking about? Looking out the same window as me? What makes you so quiet brother? What question nags you between the lines?

"Meridia..I wanna ask you something but dont take it the wrong way..."

"Yeah, okay."

"What's it feel like? Being a woman?"

"Oh...hmm...I dunno. Its obviously very case by case...but i guess with me it feels like looking up at the sky. Seeing all the stars and getting disoriented...realizing how cold it is...but you wanna stay..."

"..."

"I guess maybe thats just what being a depressed woman feels like..."

"I see...it sounds beautiful."

Are you sad like me?

"Why would you ask me something like that?"

"I uh...I wanted to know what it felt like. Like I dont think im trans but...I just wanted to know what it feels like. I dont have words for it other then that."

His eyes are so hopeless. He's losing something.

"Did you get high?"

"Why, am I acting wierd?"

"You got a big tell. You got this smile on your face you can't get rid off."

"Hehe i guess...im just happy...just dont tell mom."

"Mmm that depends..."

"You want some, dont you?"

"Of course I do. You gonna be a good big brother and share??"

"Hehe...okay fine "younger sister" you can have some. Follow me."

Im in his room. Everything floats a warm glow, lava lamps galore. Everything else is so dark, deceipit like orange glow on green. The chocolate tastes just the same.

"It tastes funny."

"It will taste really funny soon I bet. But not too soon. Just dont be surprised if it takes a while to kick in..."

"Yeah. Is that what it is really, something that makes you laugh a lot?"

"Kinda. I think really it makes you present. You feel the moment like everything is...magical. It's like when we were kids, and imagining everything was so effortless. The world was so weightless, it was just sky, ya know?...i dunno, something like that..."

"Yeah. Like when we just made platforms on trees, sticking piecing of tree bark between the trees thick ridges?"

"Well I don't recall that in particular...but yeah. That sort of thing. Its indica so it will mellow you out too."

"..."

"You feeling something?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary. How long does it take?"

"A lot longer that that. Its only been like five minutes."

Why is time so goddamn important? Why do we exist in measured breaths? Is this what it feels like? Or is this just how it's always felt.

"We should do something. I dont wanna be thinking too much about how high im gonna get. I wanna forget about it and be present, like you said."

"Okay...let me think..."

His room is immaculate, though his closet is a halphazard collage of everything that once dirtied his room, packeted only so perfectly enough to keep the door closed. His posters are framed. He knows so much about me it seems but he doesn't know how much I dig around in here when he isn't around.

"...you wanna walk down the road and see the horses?"

"It'll be freezing outside."

"You got enough fat to keep you warm."

"Ha, maybe. You'll definitley fucking freeze then. Cmon, lets go!"

It all falls on us. It's all so dark and tired, but the night is beautiful. An empty sleet of snow leads a dark road on a mountain. Down towards the bottom we find the horses. I try to get the horse to come over and he just watches us. I can't help but notice him.

Silence

So silent

He sinks his head, as if weighed by a single tear.

"...you okay?..."

"Mom loved horses more than anything."

"More then us I guess..."

"...maybe sometimes you wanna love someone and...you just dont see it. Your blind to who you are..."

I dont understand you...why are you like this?

"...is that how you feel about me..."

"..."

The snow is silent. White specs on a black screen.

"Is that how you feel about me?"

"No...no honestly I just felt bad...mom left and you just...you just never stopped hurting. Feeling bad for yourself. Too be honest, I didn't feel much of that...maybe when we were younger that bugged me...maybe I didn't quite understand you...but...I still really dont..."

"...ive waited my whole life for someone to save me..."

"Im sorry. But nobody is coming..."

"..."

You just walk away like that, like you're leaving nothing behind.

I love you.

I have you.

But you're leaving me here...

[solardick]

Every proud obstacle… That is a curious set of words.

“That keeps people from knowing god.”

What is pride in this day and age? In the face of such deep shame. The antidote is demote pride. Be proud of who you are. You are changing the world for the better. Peace and love all around, the hippies are dancing on the moon.

The moon means itself a couple of things. The night, the lamp in the dark, the feminine cycle of attraction and repulsion, romance, mania/sanity. It is taught to mean, history, needs, and nurturance. The mother and the family. The emotional.

This stipulates that wants and needs of the material plain, are cyclic. And will never last or advance. Only reflect the state of that solar power. Is it functional? Active? Needs set task.

Knowing god and knowledge of god can speak the same message. But becomes more complicates by knowledge of. This will depend on position. What side. The side of god, or the side of man. One is clearly with and the other is aside. But the knowledge of what is god. Is functional. One implies direct contact with. The other is of wisdom from.

One is soft, sincere, and the other is an dickhole. Morally ambiguous.

What is inspiration. A failing dream. Learnd not to.

The price of not bein go fucked with anymore is a permanent desease.

Dont really like the instructor. Sme type of pwrsonlity as the eldest brother with the co stant jokes made in all seriousness. Except for admiting that it was a joke after it was said.

Hello dick in ass desease how are you doing. Fine morning is it? I dohno. I doibt im surviving mich konger. First thing i feel in the morning. Last thing i feel before falling asleep. Its sll there is to life.

Pills dony work. And im not “allowed” to see a doctor. Especially one yhat speaks my language.

Because im jusr a eice of shot fag bashing asshole that throuws cats agaisnt walls and treats wemen like trash. Yup. Thats me. Alright. Being punished for how othe rpeople treat me.

But the ttruth is, there is no reason. Pwople have always. Taken it for themselves to put themselves over me. Simce my first memory. Thats all its ever been. And i cant do it anymore.

An issantiable itch at the end of your nose rhat you can’t scratch becaise ypu have no arms. And scratching isnt going to do anything anyway. And upu just eant to cut the nose off your face.

Guess ill never know what internal growth feels like.

Thats what happens when your born in hell you get raped for 40 straight years and then you kill yourself.

Im here to conclude my fakily disfunction karmic history. Im my father long lost drowned brother and my mothers expelled and hated brother. Put them both together and you got me. Someone who gets abused into suicide.

At work im bieng shuffled around again. Like its always been. Paired with people im not compatible with. Who fucke with me. And being switched to

12 hours shift. Never lasted 12 hour shifts before. Dont know why i would now. Not like im getting another job. Thye made surenof that.

They brought in another girl. A pretty litle thing for that venus aspect the other day. Not really my tyoe of pretty. And too young. But it does give me soemthing. Soft and feminine to look at. To contrast the endless years of chaos. She’ll pribably fuck with me like every other girl they lined me uo for. But she has tatts. And tatts are really unattractive.

Vaca time coming up. Use that time. To detoxify from all external influences. Cause nono e of them are good. And see if this desease gets better if not. More doctors. Maybe anti depressants. Since it causes severe suicidal inclinations. Anyo depressants never worked before. They made me worst but whatever.

Maybe i can get some more estrogen laced weed and smoke and game. Its not like ill notice. Im too busy concentrating on getting killed.

Like i said half the people here are leaving. All new people coming. More certainty ill be getting fucked with.

With dick in ass disease you’ll be a 65 year old man still craving to get fucked in the ass everyday. Sex overrules the survival.

Wonder how many gay men im going to be worki g witb. I bet their gonna multiply. Because apparently according to the census. Canada is 6% queer compared to the global 1% but according to wrsonal experimece. Ita more like 30 to 40 percent.

And apparently the entire world lives by my horoscope. Alone. They dont have one. Its only mine.

But its ok though because ill be entering the gate of man soon.

Hello asshole. Want to shit mucous for breakfast. Ok. My asshole is my only freind. I dint even have a sex drive anymore. But thats ok becias their bringing in a new girl to sexually harrass me with and then they rape me again.

12 hour shifts. Yeah. Ok. Thats gonna work. Get up ear breakdast go to work. Have nothign to eat so, ficnish work go grocery shoping. Get home. Not have enough time to

Cook anything. Tv dinner. Microwave shower bed. If i can sleep. If not. Gaming and tv for a

Fee hours go to sleep wake up 4-5 hours later. Eat breakfast. Go

To work. Drive a forklift for 12 hours or manyla

Labour. Leave go back grocery shopping and repeat. By the third day. All have had maybe 12 hours sleep in total. Gor back to

Work. Druve forklift. Yup. Aure is safe amd secure around here.

Never lasted 12 hour shoft sbefore dont know why i would

Now. Ill be back

To welfare and suicideagain. before too long

I dont know how to live and maneuver society. So i cant work for

Myself.

Im not surviving what they’r

Doing to me. They all get away murder.

Well, lost all the hairs on my left foot. And over half on my right foot. And only now after a couple weeks or so. Theres starting to have a couple retarded growths come back. Shins are now patchy. Finer patches all the way up the left thy. Less so on the right. Patch on thr small of the back. Is gone. Good riddance to that one. My ass went from a jungle to a desert. Everything above the waist unchanged.

The cock just doodled. Time to suck on some coffee.

Think im just goi g to stay consistantly high for the rest of my life. But its ok. Because my govenrment supports it.

I quit weed for a few years, then they legalized it. I quit tv and gaming was weaning my way off cigs. And the. They got their hands on me. Erased all my good work. All the weaning off of base lunar desires. And fucken raped my life. Beat me into a beligerent mess. Back into base desires. And said go get therapy. I tried. Said i havd an enyore community of fucken retards raping my existamce. Amd she said sorry i cant help you. Then waited for 6 months for a half ass notice for a shrink. By that time i no longer cared. Because im not important enough to be taken seriously. Sorry good lord. This is hell uou have no say.

Hurry up 10 am so i can go buy some drugs and game the rest if the day. Like a good little boy. What im supposed to be doing. Sedated, pacified, oppressed and receptive.

[clairecantdeal]

I feel depressed again today. I woke up and i immediately knnew it was back to business as usual. Im tired and I dont have the right words , or any words. nothing is coming out right, and its making my heart hurt. I swear i dont want this to be easy. I guess just easier. I just want it to feel like its worth it, thats it. Like idk. Can someone just tell me its going to be ok? Can someone just tell me its ok if i cry around them? My heart felt so open yesterday. I understood the words coming out of people’s mouths. I understood their meaning. It was so natural how i could speak in their same language. I could see the love in everything. Everything i tasted was so much sweeter. I felt hot! I felt confident. I even felt like ((((maybe)))) Redacted and i were being a lil sweeter to each other. Yesterday held so much promise. What happened??? Why do i struggle so bad some days? How am i supposed to ask anyone to love me, when all i do is beg to be left alone? I promise im not lazy. I want to be good at my job. I promise im trying to be happy. I want to be a good person. I want to love others and let them love me back. God. Im dreaming. i cant even just come to another person as a friend.

Maybe im just tired. Maybe i just wish i was alone in my room today. Is it wrong for me to want more than this from today? It could be a million things. Fuck it though, imma just do my job.

[useyernamesteven]

Fake names: Amanda Hugginkiss, Oliver Klozoff, Jacques Strappe, Mike Rotch, Mike Hatt, Hugh Jass, Ollie Tabooger, Ima Butole, Drew P. Weiner, Olaf Maifrend-Sergei, Pierre Pantz, Haywood Jaspankmee, and more.

And if you wanna spam something the word limit is 84 words. Heres some copypastas if ud like

Explode your dick and small your ass. Get bent losers! PENIS BLAST!!

The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.

Cant afford a car. And i cant afford a house. And i cant afford the food that im puttin in my mouth. I cant afford to move where they pay a better wage. Cant live off the wages in the places that i stay. Cant get outta debt. And i cant afford a loan. Cant afford to rent. And i cant afford to own. Cant afford to go to school. And i cant afford to not. Cant afford to complain so i should probably stop.

Why does she think thats okay to wear? Going to the strip club? You have a nice house. Do u have a husband? Yes. Whats his name? Harold. Okay. Where're you going?! OH HAAAROLD! YOU WANT A WIFE THATS NOT A RAAAAGING CUNT?!

What. In the. Fuckknuckles is this? She's my girlfriend you intolerant shit. Whoa! Pump the hate breaks fox and friends. Im just surprised anyone would date you! Specially pinkiepie from my little pony.

Wait are you wearing a bra? No i took that thing off. It was getting in the way of my girls. Maddox i command you to put a bra on this instant. I REFUUUSE! My MELONS were meant to be FREE! Maddox cease this foolishness! I can jiggle if i want too, i can leave my bra behind. Cuz if my boobs dont bounce, and if they dont bounce, well theyre no boobs of mine!!

You son of a biscuit eating bulldog! What the french toast? You think i wouldnt find out about your little doo-doo head, cooty queen? WHO are You calling a COOTY Queen you Lint LICKER?!

Shut up fatboy! Aye! Dont call me fat you fucking jew! Eric, did you just say the f-word? Jew? No, he's talking about fuck. You cant say fuck in school you fucking fatass. KYLE! Well why the fuck not? ERIC! Dude you just said fuck again! STANLEY! Mm. KENNY! Why it doesnt hurt anybody? Fuck fuckity fuckfuckfuck. How would you like to see the school counselor? How would you like to suck ma ballz? what did you say?! Im sorry im sorry what i said was HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MA BALLZ, MR GARRISON?

I have an army. We have a hulk. I got a jar of diiirt! I have OsTeOpoROsiS. I have crippling depression. I have magic hair that glows when i sing! You have something i want. You have a big mouth, you know that? I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!

Im going to have to put on my fucking double seeing glasses, because i cant even Begin to see the amount of BULLSHIT coming from you!

But since we're all gonna die, theres one more secret i feel i have to share with you. I did not care for The Godfather. What? Did not care for The Godfather. How can you even say that dad? Didnt like- didnt like it. Peter its so good! Its like the perfect movie! This is what everyone always says, whenever its a Aaah! Robert DiNero, Al Pacchino, i mean you never see ROBERT DUVAL! Fine, fine actor. Didnt like the movie. Why not? Didnt like- couldnt get into it.

Well aint you just the textbook fucking definition of classy! But guess what Jeeves. That garage wire wont do shit for dick against armour this thick! Whats that Alfred? How thick is it?? Well half as thick as my dick! So thick enough you need a fuckin anti-tank rifle to pierce it! And i dont even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass! Police girl, if you may. Bitches love canons! Oh fuck thats an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK THATS AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!

Let me tell you how this is gonna work! Your gonna be. You aint gonna tell me shit. Listen! Suck my dick! Shut up! Listen to me! Suck my dick, you fuck man! Listen! Suck my dick! You will be here in the court on monday! You'll be here suckin my dick! You will listen to me now! Go fuck yourself!

So I go into the Dairy Queen, i figure im all set theres only one guy in line... but its a very skinny guy. And he's askin Questions. At Dairy Queen! WHATDYA HAFTA KNOW?! Chocolate, Vanilla, you want stuff on it. Get outta the lineeee. Hes askin how bigs the small, is it big? ...NO ITS SMALL! SMALLS ARE SMALL! THATS WHY THEY CALL EM SMALLS!! Its 89cents heres ten dollars buy elevn of em, get out the line. Its 100 degrees and i gotta here how bigs the small is it big. And thats when I KILLED him your honor. Case dismissed!

Some people like green tea. Some people like black tea. And some people prefer oolong tea. Me? I like Tit-ty.

Well you can tell by the way i awkward walk, im gone shit my pants theres no time to talk. A fart came out, yeah it was farty and im standin here but my butt feels muddy. And its alright! Its okay! Please step out my fuckin way. You can try. To understand. That i prolly shit my pants...

I've No More Fucks to Give! My Fucks have run up Dry! I've tried to go Fuck Shopping but theres No More Fucks to Buy! I've No More Fucks to Give, No More Fucks I've tried to Get. I'm Over my Fuck Budget and I'm now in Fucking Debt!

For I am a Sinner in the hands of an angry God! Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Lray for my now, at the hour of my death, which i hope is soon. Amen.

Now were here to teach you how to GO DOWN ON BITCHES RIGHT! Now bitches aint bein satisfied so check it! Quit -ing on that clitorus so damn hard! Bitches dont like that NONSENSE. Thats like puttin the tip of yo penis in a vacuum! Yall need to CHILL ON THE CLITORUS! Go Around that business! Thats like a button made of a million penis tops! Now every bitch like her cunnilingus just a lil bit different. Vaginas are like Snowflakes. Snowflakes is different. Learn yo bitches Snowflake! Ask yo bitch what she wants THEN DO WHAT SHE SAYS!

r/vexillology The Flag of Japan but its actually just this hand towel with a perfectly-placed water stain. Oh shit i just peed on my towel accidentally better turn this into clout. It was a WATER STAIN i had an ICE PACK and it LEAKED onto the towel I DIDNT FUCKIN PEE ON IT! you peed on it. you peed on it didnt you lil piss boy. I DIDNT PISS I DIDNT!!! IM NOT A LITTLE PEEPEE BOY!!! IM NOT!!!!

Once. Upon. A. Time. There. Was. A. BIG. Spaceship. And. Aliens. And. Mercenaries. And? War. And?? Betrayal. And?! ...Romance? ...and? Karate! AND?! Credits! The. End. We should write a screenplay together! Cool. Cool cool cool.

The peasant! At the dinner! He didn't pay his check. ...Its the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzko in the back of his cart! Huuuuh! He must've taken him back to his village, so if we find the village we find him, and if we find him we find Kuzko. Oh yeah. Its all coming together.

It started with the wine. The wine. The wine. We were shopping for a bottle to bring to her cousins soiree. My cousin the Sous-Chef, she's very gourmet. I grabbed my favorite cabernet! He's got no clue and so I say, darling the wine. The wine? The wine! They're serving monkfish so darling the wine cant be red. How bout this Austrian riseling instead? Honey you know i dont like the riseling. When have you EVER seen me drink riseling?! Never but cant you listen this once? Red wine and fish? You'll look like a dunce! Fine, ill bring the red. You bring the white. That way ill still get drunk and youll still be right. Fine. Fine! FINE!

Whats your name? WHAT. What is. Your name?! Tony. Fuck you Tony! Whats your name? Ezekiel. Fuck you Ezekiel! Fuck you! Fuck you! Ay you know what i did last night? You better not bring my mother into this... You know what I did?! You better not! I built that fire over there. Oh. Then i fucked your mother next to it. Fuck you Ezekiel! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Yall remember how Texas had that "report an abortion" form that they had to take down after a week?

Well, Missouri has one, only it's for reporting transgender concerns.

Comrades. Friends. Romans. Countrymen. You know what to do.

[goremet-chef]

i wish i existed for like. me? i think thats not coming across how i want but what im saying is right (ramble/rant)

im mentally ill like most people are hello mento illness community but ? ive spent a lot of time reflecting and adapting and ITS KINDA SAD ive just learned to co-exist with this shit even when there is technically some kind of cure somewhere. i remember my therapist told me i find too much comfort in my sadness and thats still true, but like. IDK im living still which is good

cuz ive spent so much time with self reflection i just get it bro 😭😭 i know how to handle other people with bpd pretty well, like. ill do things specifically NO MATTER WHO IT IS whether they have bpd or not i wanna make sure i dont accidentally give anyone RSD if i can help it yknow? pick my words carefully and i try my best to speak in a way that lets people know i want to include them cuz i feel excluded a lot

same with depression, obviously i dont have pretty tiktok depression ive got sleep for 12 hours dont take care of my body rot in my room type but i see it so???? ITS LIKE THAT ONE POST LIKE " 'people get so depressed they dont brush their teeth??? 😰' people get so depressed they kill themselves" LIKE.. ITS CRAZY SKJFSF its just the sad reality with all mental illness, if its not aesthetic and if yr displaying negative symptoms, people arent activists anymore, they dont really care. theyll degrade and dehumanize you just like everyone else

SO i do my best to make sure ? idk i GET IT, so i want to make sure if anyone feels that way, they know i wont degrade them either, that i wont feel disgusted with them or what have you

I JUST WISH THAT LIKE. lord knows i dont want to be friends with myself ew that guy sucks but sometimes i wish the people around me felt more like i do. my family does just think im disgusting even when i explain i dont have the energy to even move sometimes, im constantly suppressing my sadness, rage, even my joy. constantly holding my mouth shut whenever something upsets me and makes me feel rejected cuz i know no one is gonna understand unless they go through what i go through

cuz i know how tiring it is, idk i just want other people to know that i see you and yr not awful for being mentally ill. really tired of all the stigma surrounding various mental disorders cuz it like. it seems like it never goes away???? no matter how much systems scream about DID rep in media it never gets any better (the best example i can think of in recent is moon knight and that still has its flaws), no matter how many bpd support groups there are people still think yr an abuser the second they hear you have it, same with npd and honestly all the cluster b disorders. the seriousness of depression and anxiety is often overlooked, autism and adhd are either glamorized like hell or completely looked down upon, its so. dumb

the problem is, once they learn you are mentally ill in some way, you no longer have a voice. because yr crazy and why should they listen to you? thats how they feel basically. they see us as like. subhuman?? not well enough to make our own decisions apparently, which is so sad and so fucked up. instead of helping you cope with these problems, they just strip away yr humanity. so if they wont make us feel welcome, i can at least do my part to make other people feel welcome, yknow?

i just wish that people would do that for me 😔 no one ever disputes that im disgusting or lazy, they always shit on me for being so anxious and paranoid, like my entire existence is a burden on the people i know. the only way to not feel like that is if i never share my mental issues to begin with, which has its own problems. i do have some people who treat me well despite my flaws, but a majority dont. guess thats just reality for people like me

[rpfofficial]

pls elaborate on honey this mirror.... the title is increediblyy transgender yeag but im not immediately seeing it in the rest ... u could convince me though i think

Ok so im not going to post a voice note cos i sound literally insane i dont know if i sound any saner now that ive typed it all out but like. HOPEFULLY THIS MAKES SENSE you asked for me to convince you so heres a whole ass mini essay sorry do u still think im hot.  this got so long kill me now. ENJOY <33

To preface this: in almost all the songs that i think are about transgenderism, the struggle with gender and identity is often portrayed as a struggle in a relationship with a lover (usually a female lover), which is pretty apparent in drowning lessons + the demolovers in three cheers for sweet revenge, and in this song. At least in my opinion. 

so honey this mirror isnt big enough, on a surface level is about a toxic/failing relationship. but like i said i feel like this “other side” of gerard, or of i guess the narrator/singer, the feminine side, the “girl within” is often depicted as  a lover or a companion of some sort. the title of this song is what gives it away for me because if u ignore the title then obviously the song is just about a relationship, but because its called honey this mirror isnt big enough for the two of us it feels like gerard is just singing to themself. Its not about any relationship, its about gerards relationship with HIMSELF, or with this other side of him, this other half (the woman in the demolition lovers, the victim in drowning lessons).

Me and ryan did a LOT of trans readings of mcr songs yesterday and the day before, and to like put it down to its essentials: a lot of the songs on bullets + revenge have this idea that theres this “girl” that gerard/the narrator wants to be or is somehow on the inside, and hes scared of her or he sees her as something he must kill or repress. at least at the beginning. which is why in drowning lessons i think the “she” that he kills is himself, and i think this is then repeated in honey this mirror isnt big enough, but instead of it being a murder, hes just trying to break up with her.

ryan put it quite well in this discord message they sent me: “he's pushing the girl out of his mind (out of the mirror)” “like im breaking up with you. we're over. i dont care how much you cry, i dont care how much i mean to you, this time i mean it. we're not doing this again (and then she comes back because she always, always, always comes back)” 

honey this mirror really reflects a problem that i think a lot of trans people struggle with at first, which is: if i embrace this side of me, if i come out, it could ruin my relationships with other people. I’ll become a different person, what if they wont love me anymore. so like when gerard says to this “girl” ‘you cant touch my brother / you cant keep my friends’ thats the idea of “shit if im transgender ill lose the people closest to me”, which is depressing but really realistic in that i know ive thought like that a lot in the past. I think he gets past this and thats shown in danger days and hesitant alien (gerards solo album) but i wont go into that now lol.

 and then right after that they sing “we’re not working out / this time i mean it / never mind the times ive seen it’, ‘it’ being the times they HAVE worked out. But in this song its like gerard is lying to themself, theyre ignoring the times this “relationship” has made them happy cos theyre letting fear and self hatred drown out the positive emotions this “girl” this “lover” has created in them. 

Then the pinnacle to this interpretation is the lyrics ‘well i find it hard to stay / with the words you say / oh baby let me in’. Thats the girl, thats gerards reflection saying ‘let me in’ like: embrace me love me you need me dont let me go dont do this to me dont do this to yourself, which gerard ignores because hes determined to end it. but because the outro is a repeat of ‘oh baby let me in’ i think this is what ryan meant with “she always always always comes back”, just like in drowning lessons “all the times ive killed you”: ive killed you so many times but you come back every time, ive broken up with you so many times but in the end i always let you back in. like this is a constant internal struggle that if you only listen to bullets and revenge seems to have a bad ending, but it actually has a happy ending because eventually gerard/the narrator embraces this woman, this other half, and doesnt regret it. 

The end thank you for coming to my ted talk i hope i got my point across. It might be a bit of a stretch but i definitely stand by this interpretation godbles

[hauntedselves]

rambly personal post

before my CL-self was murky, shifting. now its solidly a black low-content German Shepherd wolfdog. male. i feel like his name is Zephyr or Apollo or something. my werewolf form is grey though, not sure why. also trans, though biologically male when just a dog.

i know my psych is right when she says "if its not causing undue stress it doesn't need to be pathologised" but i wish she would assess me for a psychotic disorder. im sure i have stpd and i want to know if i qualify for any other psychotic disorder - delusional disorder, schizoaffective… i wish we could do like a marathon 5 hour session where we do tonnes of assessments and discuss it and i get diagnosed with all my mental problems ever, on paper. i guess i could just ask her hey want diagnoses do you think i have but that's. too forward. too diagnosis seeking.

i sometimes wish i could see a new psychologist (in addition to, not instead of my current psych) and just come out with all my psychotic and messed up thoughts and see what they say. just throw it all at them and see what they get out of it.

im glad my psych doesn't pathologise every little thing under the sun, but i wish she were more diligent in diagnosing - and sharing those diagnoses. ive asked multiple times for her notes but she just says they wont make any sense to me. i dont care i still want to read them!

lowkey tempted to write up a list of my self dx'es and reasonings why and just send that to her. i guess its one way to get a reaction out of her (even that sentence sounds too attention seeking!)

even things like. we've talked about trauma so much and shes said the words "complex trauma" multiple times, but never if i warrant a diagnosis of cptsd. on a healthcare form she once wrote "childhood trauma" as a diagnosis… what does that mean? thats not a diagnosis, its a cause! (she also wrote depression, despite us almost never talking about depression, though i do have it)…

i know im over focusing on labels when that isnt the focus of therapy. (and when the diagnostic part of the psych field is fucked). but labels can be nice to have, especially when you're clearly exhibiting symptoms of specific diagnoses and yet no diagnoses are mentioned…

maybe ill just email her. "what dx's do you think i have heres the ones i think i have and why. please advise" …

update: i've drafted a big email basically saying "here's my self dx's and why, what do you think". not sure if i'll send it or not, but it's a good self-reflective exercise anyway?