#guess its my turn on the sad lyrics love scene edit

[sawvhs]

saw (2004) dir. james wan // who are you? - ajj

[unsociableandtaciturnbarbie]

This week's find is an edit of 2007 Northanger Abbey movie to the song Seven by Taylor Swift. The TikTok shows different clips of Catherine, Henry Tilney, and General Tilney as the lyrics run along the bottom of the screen in a stylized white font. Edits, generally, can be a range of things, but in my research are typically videos in which footage from a movie, TV show, or celebrity is cropped and rearranged to align with a chosen song. Taylor Swift songs themselves are becoming increasingly popular in mainstream media, but have been popular for quite a while in the #booktok and fandom scene on TikTok and Youtube. This song in particular, Seven, can be found in edits for everything from Harry Potter to Five Nights at Freddy’s. Typically, it is used to highlight an unhappy home life with the phrase “your house is haunted” and an escape from that home life with another character in a platonic or romantic relationship with the phrase “I think you should come live with me”. 

For Northanger Abbey in particular, I think this song was an interesting choice. With the first line, “I think your house is haunted,” over a clip where Catherine is talking to Henry Tilney followed by a clip of Catherine walking through what I assume is Northanger Abbey (side note: I have not watched the movie, but I did some IMDB sleuthing), it sets up Henry as the “your” in this song and thus the idea of Henry Tilney’s house being haunted. This brings us back to the idea we discussed in class of Jane Austen flipping the tone of the novel from a story about a naive girl on vacation to one of a gothic novel as Catherine arrives at Northanger Abbey. Northanger Abbey is described in a large amount of detail as Catherine tours it, but also in how Catherine sees it at night and daydreams about it. Northanger Abbey, in this way, builds up to this sort of scary haunted house in the mind of Catherine. Following this line is, “your dad is always mad and that must be why,” with a clip of General Tilney storming around a corner. In most edits, the creators use mad in a sense that I usually think of it, as being angry, which I think applies to how the General looks in the scene. However, while I was considering this edit, it seems like maybe there’s a double meaning here. As Catherine builds up this haunted house in her mind, she becomes convinced that General Tilney murdered his wife. She starts to obsess over all of his actions, turning what could be construed as pretty typical behaviors to evidence that he must be coping with murdering his wife. Mad, aside from meaning angry, can also mean crazy, something that could probably be used to describe someone who’s murdered his wife. I don’t often think about this meaning of the word “mad” but I think it’s a really interesting application here, whether the creator meant to use it in both of its meanings or not. After this is the line, “I think you should come live with me.” This follows with more scenes of Catherine and Henry Tilney together (side note 2: my best guess based on the emotions of the recurring scene shown of Catherine and Henry talking is that it is when Catherine tells Henry she thinks his father murdered his mother, I could be very off here because I haven’t finished the book, but I wanted to put an official guess out there for when I do watch the movie). As I have not finished the book, I can only really hazard a guess based on previous edits I’ve watched, but I think the general meaning of the rest of the video is to (hopefully) convey how Catherine and Henry find happiness in being together despite the sort of haunted sadness permeating Henry Tilney’s home.

And for some added enjoyment, here is some other Northanger Abbey media I found that made me giggle and I would analyze given more time:

[smashstiel]

HIII HELLO . its going to be long btw because you wanted everything ksjsd. okay. no but i literally opened notes app so i can write my thoughts there sjf

and the endd!!!!! I LVOE THIS PLAYLIST. SOO SOO MUCH. YOU ARE SOOOO CORRECT WITH EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!. i hate janto so much <3 sooooo much <333 anyway. i will listen to destiel one tomorrow cause im tooo tired rn. ily

first its so funny but i actually have pętla on my destiel playlist. IDKKK THEY ARE SO DESTIEL CODED TO MEEE. i wtedy powiem ci jak bardzo cie chcę….. i love happysad so muuuch. also i see your vision with the city thinggg. ukradli mi plecak - WOAH actually wchodzi. i need to know your opinions on the 456 situation btw. the world has its shine. omgg. i gave up hope but you came along…. no but its LITERALLY them. i can never turn my back on you - jack not believing that ianto could kill that person in adam. tonight you are mine. i like this songg!!!!!!!!! i have NO IDEA if there is a scene like that but. there should be. <333 ruby dress skinny dog. NOO I DIDNT EVEN KNOW IT WAS DAWID PODSIADLO??? its so cool. jack hashtag sad KAHAHA. yeah i see it. starman david bowie <333333 noo but I GET U THO. with the edit thing. theres so many songs i cant listen in the normal way because of edits. take it out on me. YASSSS ITS A BANGER WOAH. very wchodzable. idk kinda jack to ianto after the lisa situation.  down when im not. i lvoe ittt (destiel…)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the last of the real ones. super banger i lvo eit.  ITS THEM. just tell me im the only one even if its not true :(((( nooooo because . ughghghg. lady of sorrows. mcr!!!!!! and DAMN banger of a song btw. also top 10 jack harkness lyrics….

emptiness is a closet full of your old cclothes. i lovee this songggggggg its so goooddd!!!!! glad u had it in those times<33 and yesss. the coat scene!!!!!! its insaneeeee. (again. super destiel. i love my coatguys. jackcas hits different…). blow my brains outt!!!!! jack/john hart……. yeahh. kiss me you animal. horny songss<3333 and. dying on your lips is how i wanna go. and ianto kinda did- nanoże. nigdy nie myślałem że z miłości się wykrwawię…… give me love. HI THE USED HIII. i love the used!!!!!!!!!!! now im looking in the mirror i see this monster that is me.. scared as hell. HELP?? NO LYRICS ANYWHERE???? how. its SO GOODODDDD. ill be late for my funeral. listened to ittt on yt!!!! LOVE ITTTT!!!! of all the gin joints in all the world. AAAAA. I LVOE IT. nooo cause youre right. ianto was like 'i love you' and jack. thought. damn he only loves the idea of me. nooo :((

heart heavy!!! i like ittt!!!!!! and yesss thats definitely what happened <33 captain spacey. love ittt. space themed songs <333 and YASSSS JACK ANGST. ANGST IN GENERAL. I LOVE ANGST. never scared!! i love jack erased memories moment. its so him. "are you scared?" "never" - me when i lie. also idk this is so castiel song to me too. cause yknow the whole naomi thing etc. bubblegum bitch edit. OH MYG ODDDDDDDD THIS IS SO GOOD WHAT. I LOVE IT. i lov eyoutube edits/amv. hits differenttt. GETTING OVER YOU THE USED. HELLO THE USED. GODDD ILOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH. no getting over you… jack after iantos death :(((. i caught fire. hii the used again <3 sound effects and overdramatics. never heard any audiodrama unfortunately djsfsjkd but DAMNNN. thank you romanticfistfightzs boyfriend. DAMN. red is the new black. LOVE THIS. dont remember it from the showwwww guess i have to rewatch it finally hihi. miss missing you. i love this songggg. and yes you are so real. pepper tea. PLSSS . pain and suffering scenarios my beloved<3 dont say we're so much better alone. idk kinda jack and doctor moment.

death for my birthday omgggggggg. yessss. i want death for my birthday… wszystko jedno. I LOVE WSZYSTKO JEDNO SO MUCH. yass its so janto. also endversedestiel.…. surrender the used. HELLO THE USED <333 broken you found me. sdfnaskdjfnlsakfnskdf. yeah. yeah. (my angel… my shoulder… damn..) heven iowa. no no i gettt it. great song btww!! next one - i just do. GODDD. YOULL GO TO BED AT 23, AND WAKE UP 65. TIME GOES SO FASTTT IF YOURE IMMORTAL.. UGHH. the saddest song. AAA ITS SO GREAT I LOVE IT. wchodzi w uj. jdfnskjdf. its not a fasion statement its a deathwiths. MCRR!!!!! just know that i will remember u AAA. 4/16. NOOO AND IANTO DIDNT KNOW WHEN HED COME BACCCKKK. death ii. NOOOO. OUCH. i love angst. but. sdbfjsdbfajsf. i really meant to tell youuuu :(((

my janto playlist + song explanations because im normal . i feel like a lot of the songs are for my headcanons abt them but whatever

pętla - happysad

well its here it started the whole thing because i was obsessed with happysad at that point and most of these songs are gonna be bc of one lyric or sth i feel like but. the idea . im stoned so a lot of rambling sorry the idea abt hating the city was in my brain like jack bc i feel like at one point while waiting there for the doctor he started hating being there. dont ask me why

2. ukradli mi plecak - yann

generally because of these lyrics Especially the "bo mi ukradli wspomnienia" bc of his memories taken by the time agency and then like. bc hes done a lot and also about the kids he gave to the 456 (which i have opinions abt but whatever) and ianto would worry or something i dont know man

3. the world has its shine (but i would drop in on a dime) - cobra starship

might be just me but. deadline audiostory "ive never been much of a talker" ianto 🤝 this connect in my brain

uh. ianto getting a job at torchwood. :)

just think it fits. so

4. tonight you are mine - the technicolors

idk if it really happened or did i think about it so much in my brain its real but wasnt there a moment where ianto asks jack like. why would you choose earth or do you miss your time or sth like that and i feel like thats a thing he could also ask there. :) and i like the song

5. ruby dress skinny dog - curly heads

honestly this is the only lyrics here because i thought of the weevils and i was obsessed with this song i hate you dawid podsiadlo this is the only song of yours i will listen to

also this after iantos death and jack being hashtag sad

6. starman - david bowie

listen i just fucking saw a great 10th doctor/jack edit on tiktok and listened to starman one night and started genuinely crying real tears rolling down my face so its not exactly janto but jack but its still hear because i say so

7. take it out on me - thousand foot krutch

BANGER of a song i love it so much. the thing with this playlist is that i remember finding songs that had lyrics that fit but the whole thing was to make a character playlist i cant listen to without more than like two skips so its all songs i found/still find amazing. anyways i was going somewhere with connecting it to janto but i think it mightve been for my short and quickly killed idea abt them havign a sad argument over Something. its a banger just appreciate it

8. down when im not - greg puciato

the first two are like. cuz ianto was lying abt lisa jack was lying abt the children or like . omitting i guess but im sure they lied to each other at one point and they could stop

9. the last of the real ones - fall out boy

just. fucking. the entire song come on

THESE LAST TWO ESPECIALLY!!!!!!!!! idk i love the idea of ianto having at least one time issue with jack living so much and being like. you wont remember me you mustve had so many people and you never talk abt them etc

10. our lady of sorrows - my chemical romance

one bc i HAD to have mcr song up in this bitch two because come ON one of The mcr lyrics and it fits i had to

11. emptiness is a closet full of your old clothes - wishing

GOD okay the thing here is. if you ask me whats my song like the song thats Mine it would be this one ive been listening to this shit since october 2019 and had it on repeat in my worse time of life ever and according to last fm i listened to it 3963 times. so. anyways its a very important song and it fits because come ON the thing where ianto hugs jacks coat. come on.

12. blow my brains out - jerranis

this one was also put here with a specific scenario i made up and dont remember put mostly becasue this.

but now that i think about it this is 100% a jack/john hart so. sorrey i guess

13. kiss me you animal - burn the ballroom

uhm.

i know its a sex thing in the song i think but it fits so i dont care its generally a horny song

14. nanoże - waluśkraksakryzys

walus i love youuuuu anywayyy mainly this but also

because i really liked the idea of ianto being annoyed at them giving him the coffee boy job at first or sth . there was an idea over there

15. give me love - the used

the used hiiiiii haii the used hiii

jack turning full torchwood mode or something and stuff. generally waving my arms around.

16. scared as all hell - modern day escape

one of THE songs ever to me. apparently no lyrics to this song exist online anywhere??? im the first person to think of adding lyrics????? but yeah i love this song and it fits but i cannot tell you why right now

17. ill be late for my funeral - the requiem (unavailable on spotify)

its on youtube btw if u wanna listen to it but . yeah again jack losing memories

and there was some jack angst here in my brain but i cant remember what exactly. probably jack being depressed about being immortal

18. of all the gin joints in all the world - fall out boy

jack being like that cuz ianto looks up to him but he doesnt know everything about him and thinking how itd be to just be a normal not immortal guy

jack "wasting time" on being alive and aging and normal because i love that for him and then it was about ianto.

19. heart heavy - secondhand sound

ianto after lisa i think would prefer to be left alone and figure it all out and in my perfect made up world this is what itd be like <3

20. captain spacey - sonic sea turtles

genereally the whole song cuz its space themed and stuff but mostly this lyrics because i was crazy about jack feeling like he doesnt belong on earth cuz hes immortal and not like he should be . if that makes sense i love angst my best friend pain and suffering

[dreamii-yume]

New Episode Update Let’s GOO!!!

Warning : This is just Yume having a mental breakdown, seriously. This episode update was WHACK.

~ MAJOR SPOILERS FOR 68-75 ~

I know we ain’t participating and all but the game reminding you that there’s 10 minutes left to prepare is seriously bad for my heart.

Aah, shiet. Vil is still hurt.

He still has small wounds and scratches that he hid make up. Daddy, I’m worried.

Apparently, yeah, I’m not the only one cause my homeboy, Epel just asked to switch the center role with Vil. THE CONFIDENCE.

Aw, he’s worried about him falling over during stage (And make the performance look bad) Come on, Epel just be honest-

...He finally became the ideal poisoned apple that Vil wanted, huh?

Vil being proud a mom.

But the queen inside him is STRONG.

He’ll embrace the villain in him, OUR QUEEN CAN STILL GO. INJURED, WHO?

...AAND he proceeds to roast Epel again lol Typical Vil.

I love how Epel just accepted a nickname like “Doku Ringo-chan” lol It’s so cute, senior-junior relationship goals right there.

HERE WE GO.

Everyone is actually really confident hahaha

I really wish Deuce’s mom, Ace’s brother, Jamil’s sister, and Vil’s dad were here in person to watch.

HECK I WANT KALIM’S WHOLE FAMILY HERE WHY NOT

T-THEY’RE REALLY LETTING US HEAR THE FULL SONG. 

IS THAT JAMIL RAPPING.

Look at Jamil’s solo SD dancing. LOOK AT IT.

I really fucking love Vil’s singing voice aaa

HIS VOICE IS SO GOOD.

Album when disney.

Is Vil okay.

...aight im hearing some high quality panting here

...dont mind me listening to it a bit too much...

...they’re going to be great reference for some spicy- leave me alone

Vil panting is making me feel SOMETHING.

ANYWAY. THE CROWD IS A MOOD.

IS VIL OKAY.

Unmei no megami is giving me idia ptsd here.

Heartslabyul Senpais are watching their kids, looking all proud *sniff

Oh god, after playing Obey Me, it just occurred to me how similar Cater and Asmodeus’ voices are...

Watch these Senpai dorks act like Ace and Deuce’s second family. Trey being the dad, Riddle being the mom, and Cater being the supportive big bro. It’s so beautiful.

Riddle’s voice is a lot more softer now, I just realized...It’s so soothing...

God i miss u too octavinelle never change

Yeah, why tf did Floyd not audition for this

Bro, can you imagine Nobuhiko Okamoto in the squad as well??? IMAGINE-

Of course, he wasn’t in the mood back then. Of course. Why did i even ask.

IMAGINE FLOYD BEING IN VDC NEXT YEAR.

Omg i miss u too octavinelle never change

Azul’s gonna overblot again with Floyd’s marketing skills lol

Jade coming in like welp i guess thats that. Too bad, huh Azul?

GOD i miss u too octavinelle never change

SAVANA BITCHES HI

I wonder if these mfs knew that Vil just overblotted and malmal was the one who fixed the stage lol

oooh Leona’s sus about something he a sharp boi

Speak up my guy—

still so weird leona taking his job seriously

Malleus looking happier seeing this performance rather than Lilia’s lol

I miss the simpery in Sebek

Silver’s not in the verge of falling into a coma for once wow

Chenya’s so cute.

AND WE’RE BACK TO CUTE HEIGH HO TEAM

fcking shotacons man...im not one to talk

Aw, they didn’t show Neige performance...

The simping in the crowd is a MASSIVE mood.

WHO WINS TELL ME

These night raven fuckers better vote for us and not pull a “oh shie my hand slipped lololol” i swear to god- im gonna throw hands

*me holding my phone and pretending to vote as well

Suspense music intensifies be like-

HAAA

BOIS, ITS ONE VOTE DIFFERENCE WHO IS IT AAAA

WHAT.

HOW DARE- HOW!? HOW DID WE LOSE!?

WE LOST BY ONE VOTE!?

EVERYONE’S SO SHOCKED LOL

vil pls dont overblot again-

Noooo grim’s tuna cans-

WE REALLY LOST TO A LEGIT KIDS SONG.

These children do not have the right to be this cute. I wanna take Timmy, Toby, and Shelpie home.

I swear to god one of these dwarves sounds like Cheka lol Is it Toby?

EPEEELLLL DONT CRRYYYY

KALIMMMM DONT CRRYYYY

KALIM HAVING THE AUDACITY TO SOUNDING LIKE A BIG BROTHER AND THEN CRYING HIS OWN RIGHT AFTER LOLOLOL

I HATE THIS EPISODE YALL MADE MY TWO BOIS CRY IM FIGHTING THIS EPISODE. BURN THIS.

This background music too though im deeeeddd

KALIM IM SO SORRY FOR MAKING A SINFIC ABOUT YOU PLS DONT CRY-

Jamil impressed about Vil being “calm” and Vil just going “h e h. you dont even know.”

....ha...

Monsieur Rook. WHAT did you say.

ROOK VOTED FOR ROYAL SWORD. Are you kidding me. You snek how could you- i loved you

WHAT DID I SAY- Ya’ll night raven fuckers shall not slip by their fingers when voting rook.

Vil is in the brink of passing out aaaaa

I have never heard Ace this pissed before whoa- lol he sounds like Deuce in his delinquent mode

Aw...Rook felt that Neige’s performance carries a stronger bond than theirs :’( it’s hard to put the blame on him when he’s saying all these stuff

It’s just like what they said in the past episodes that it’s really hard voting for your own team when you know the opposing team is better.

Aww...He just wanted Vil to believe in himself more...Rook is such a best man. Im crying-

Oh noooo is Vil gonna cry too nooo- daddy turned to baby really quick SOMEONE GIVE HIM AN EMERGENCY HUG

Well- at least...at least the 100 year record of not being able to win is still going, yeah? Um...bad joke? Sorry, i’ll see myself out-

NEIGE NOT NOW AND YOUR VII-KUN BULLSHIT- we’re having a moment here

Neige is such sweetheart but aaaahh— This makes it worse, we can’t even hate him aaa—

OMG JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THINGS COULDN’T- AAAAA

MONSIEUR ROOK. YOU’RE A FAN OF NEIGE!?

MOTHERFUCKER just got exposed by Neige himself lol

Going to Neige’s shake hand events, sending him letters, buying all his merch and shie- HE’S A FULL BLOWN NEIGE STAN

WTF YOU SNEK GET OUT OF THIS SCHOOL-

OOOOHHH THAT FUCKING ALBUM- HIS “LIFE’S WORK” or whatever bullshit IS FULL OF NEIGE

...actually- my japanese is lacking- im not sure lol what is a ブロマイド??? Lol I feel like a clown.

Rook is sweating profusely LOL

...what do you have to say for yourself, monsieur rook.

Wait- huh is that-

IS HE GONNA CRY-

WHY IS EVERYONE CRYING!??!?!?!

HE’S SILENTLY CRYING AS HE INTRODUCED HIMSELF TO NEIGE WHAT. THE. FUCK IS THIS EPISODE.

Neige fanclub??? Eternal Snow??? What kind of creepy-ass- OH, HE EVEN HAS A MEMBERSHIP NUMBER TOO-

Props to Neige with his :) expression unfaltering.

I’m- I’m speechless.

Vil is just looking down at Rook in disappointment like- “you’re more pathetic than I am”

Queen just went “I think you need this handkerchief more than I do now” THAT’S RIGHT. REPENT MOTHERFUCKER.

Rook crying is cursed.

But damn, I’m kinda liking this new relationship this bitchy relationship they have

Neige just dragged everyone’s ass back on stage and his snow white energy just said “LETS ALL BE FRIENDS AND SING”

NEIGE IS FUCKING GREAT- HE REALLY DID GOT THESE BITCHES TO SING HEIGH HO LOL

ACE’S RELUCTANT SINGING AND DEUCE LOOKING LIKE HE’S HAVING FUN

KALIM IS SUCH A MOOD, SINGING EVEN WITHOUT KNOWING THE LYRICS AND JAMIL JUST HAVING THAT “i want to die” ENERGY

AIGHT. ROOK IS HAVING WAY TOO MUCH FUN AND EPEL IS TRYING HIS BEST. HE’S SO CUTE-

OMG NEIGE AND VIL HAVING SUCH GOOD HARMONY—

YAHOO Y A H O O TANOSHIINDA~~ 

YA’LL SURE ABOUT GIVING ME THIS BLESSED MOMENT??

What a somewhat happy ending, even though Rook just backstabbed us I’m crying Beauté 100 points!!!

LOL Vil realizing he’s having fun singing with Neige- “SOMEONE JUST END ME RIGHT NOW-“ The desperation in his voice-

I love how Neige’s yahoo yahoo is messing with everyone’s head, even Vil wants to pass out lol

haha Crowley is so depressed lol

WHA- WHO-

HEADMASTER OF ROYAL SWORD!?

He looks like your typical grandpa- and his outfit looks like that one mickey mouse wizard outfit but blue—

Old man just went “we won lol” just to piss Crowley off I like this guy’s energy already-

Crowley being most likely as old as this guy—

ooohh this man just sensed something in this stage- Leona did too, didn’t he???

* Damn. Crowley talking so fast sounds like he’s making a load of bullshit lol

Anyway, I’m just glad that it’s not mickey mouse who’s the headmaster— I would’ve lost my shit.

We’re back in our dorms and I forgot that the squad doesn’t live with us anymore. It’s suddenly so lonely now...

Grim is getting the yahoo yahoo ptsd too lol it’s too goddamn catchy

oooohh shiet- mickey is calling us again

YES we finally got a good picture of this motherfucker

It seems like nothing is disrupting our communication this time, so MC thought to call Grim but—

Grim is not here.

Uuhhh...Grim? Where you’ve gone??? We’re getting flashbacks of the first parts of the game.

We went out to find Grim and HE’S CHOMPING ON ANOTHER BLACK STONE ON THE STAGE-

GRIM SPIT THAT OUT YOU LOOK TERRIFYING

AAAAAHH GRIM HAS GONE FERAL— He’s attacking US

Is this because we didn’t win his tuna canss nooo

NoOO SWEET BABY COME BACK.

Legit I’m sad, please baby don’t overblot like this...

He learned a new move though- SCRATCH

Ooh— We’re seeing some Ignihyde scenes here~

P U H I H I

Idia getting a lot of emails from bigshot companies whoa—

THAT OLYMPUS—?! EXCUSE ME??? Ortho what- Are we finally getting that Hercules episode—

Damn getting a hot chance in olympus only to put them down the recycling bin oof— Idia why edit : Yume was informed that olympus is kind of a company that sponsored VDC sorry she was mind-fucked at this moment and the ability to understand proper Japanese just went whoosh lol Thanks to @starshiningsirius for pointing it out for Yume~ ♥︎ HONESTLY YUME’S JUST GONNA WAIT FOR ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL TRANSLATORS AT THIS POINT LOL Don’t trust me for important situation too much lol

Aaaahh...We’re getting this shut-in out of his room in the next episode, are we?

And that concludes the whole Pomefiore Episode! JESUS CHRIST 75 CHAPTERS ALL IN ALL!? How long is the Ignihyde chapter going to be, huh!?

This was a really, really fun episode lol I’d consider this a fan service episode actually cause of all the things we get to experience— The singing, dancing, and the new songs, THE DRAMA. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

But then, the plot thickens, no? What’s going to happen to Grim? In the Ignihyde episode? And those reoccurring memories of us? And our relationship with Tsunotarou lol ALSO WE NEVER REALLY DID FIND OUT WHAT ROOK’S UNIQUE MAGIC IS. DISNEY EXPLAIN—

Thanks for reading this shitpost of Yume losing her shiet lol See you all in the Ignihyde Episode~ ❤

[troop52]

do u !!! have any character theme songs for the troop boys? Like any songs you think really fits them (and why u think it fits)?

THATS A GREAT QUESTION!!

Before I get into it Im going to plug this collaborative Troop Playlist on Spotify, feel free to add onto it!! Continuing with my picks

I think a lot of the songs I associate with The Troop in general are just because I happened to listen to them around the same time I got into the book in the first place (So they could only be tangentially related BUT only if you squint hard) Example: Drunk by The Living Tombstone, cant really tie it into the story but in my mind its linked Some better, more fitting songs under the cut (Side note its LONGGG IM SORRY... Also its all YouTube links because some of these arent on Spotify :'^()

Disclaimer -Like 95% of my choices arent really a "These lyrics match up exactly 1 to 1" but more of an overall "the vibe/general idea its trying to capture lines up" type thing. If that makes sense.

Its Alright by Jack Stauber: Kind of self explanatory, I think its a perfect song for these guys. From "It's alright, I'm here, Everything's alright, Feels weird but calm, I wanna hear It's alright" to the whole sound of it- its all great. Equal parts distressing and sad with an almost eerie calmness to it. Despite it all theyre gonna be alright, right?

The Second Little Piggy by Worthikids: Another one that I think is sort of self explanatory- at least with the chorus. "If my brain turns to mush, If the shit hits the fan, Will you be my friend?" Kind of the falling apart of everything, specifically their relationships, in light of the incident.

Poor George by James Supercave: Another case of "listened to at the same time I read the book" BUT I was actually making a Troop PMV script with that song. I never finished it but maybe Ill revisit it... just for you

Cold Summer by Le Matos ft Computer Magic: I dont even think this takes place in the summer but the VIBES and also it came from Summer of 84, which is another good piece of murder boy media.

Treehouse by Alex G ft Emily Yacina: This is a Eef and Max type of song because they are bffs and thats final. Basic song because Im not creative, but I think its a nice heart to heart theyd have (with Eef doing the talking)

Fifteen Minuets by Nick Krol: On the flipside heres a song that goes with Eef and Maxs friendship fracturing, once again more from Eefs side than Maxs. THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGG

As far as songs for the boys as individuals hmmm thats a good one that I havent thought about as much...

MAX + The Ghosts by The Real Tuesday Weld: That survivors guilt... lyrics arent like a perfect match but I think it gets that sort of hollow feeling across. Hes haunted man... + Final Girl by Electric Youth: Ok its a little funny because har har Final Girl Trope but I mean HE IS ONE. ANd dont look at me its a nice song- "Others were gone, and you kept going on, You know they never really noticed, you were always different, One by one, They're all done, And you're the last one standing" + Going Grazy by Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks: HONESTLY this could go for all the characters but Im tagging it onto Max because hes the one who has to deal with the aftermath of losing everyone (sorry survivors guilt Max again </3) "Everyone's saying my mind is unsound, 'Cause I always see you when you aren't around" "They're gonna wrap me in a jacket of white, And lock me away in a room without light" is what cements it as a Max song for me

EEF + The Existential Threat by Sparks: Once again starting sad, I link this one specifically to his paranoia about the worms- especially with lines like "Can't they see the existential threat is on its way". Kind of exasperated no one else can see the danger (he thinks) hes in. + Wrecking Ball by Mother Mother: I know I know its basic but I cant help it!!! Eef anger issues arc we are shaking hands me too + Haunted by Laura Les: Eef struggles with people seeing him as "just like his father" and I think we can get some good angst out of this track if we keep that in mind. Especially the back half of the song with lyrics like "Do you think I'm frightening?" and "Mirrors shatter when I'm passing, broken glass and crashing" since he is just a reflection of his dad (to others at least). Also song good.

KENT + Goodbye Mr A by The Hoosiers: Mfw the disillusionment with authority sets in. I think the vibe fits when he had that little epiphany about how adults are fucked- not perfect but it gets the idea across me thinks. + I'm Gonna Win by Rob Cantor: Ties into his need to "win" aka be the best at everything, be in charge, all that jazz! Hell do whatever it takes to be successful, even if it hurts. That was a little emo + Toba the Tura by Forgive Durden ft Chris Conley: Not to be emo again but "They say you're gifted, well I just see a scared kid. They must have flipped it, your skills are latent. O, you snuffed the glow. Replaced it with coals. Threw away the throne... This mess that you've made, it's a six-foot grave. It's a home for your lonesome bones that remain. We'll disappear, but you'll stay here to rot" AND SO ON AND SO FOURTH representing his fall after it was revealed he was sick. He was referred to as "the uncrowned king" and was on top of the world but then POOF that all crumbled and it was made out that he basically deserved what happened to him. It would be fun to make a pmv of him with this song (Simplifying my thoughts a bit because Ive already written a LOT)

NEWT + I Earn My Life by Lemon Demon: Ok a little Kentcore but Im actually having a hard time coming up with songs for Newton so here we are, they can share. Newt existential crisis moment time I guess + Know How by The Crane Wives: POV Newt struggles with going through with the plans he makes to keep everyone safe (stopping Max from touching Kent, going back into the cabin, etc) "I am not brave, I am not brave, I keep my focus on what is safe, You drew a line, made up your mind, And now I'm struggling to realize" And also maybe struggling with his place in the group and as a person in general- all that living through his cousin thing. "I gotta wrap my head around, What my heart is telling me, I've been trying to drown it out, Just because I know what I am, I am supposed to do now, Doesn't mean I know, Doesn't mean I know how" + On The Outside by Oingo Boingo: Idk man. Hes on the outside lookin in!! Loner nerd!! Its ok though, we still love him

SHEL + Bad Blood by Creature Feature: The lyrics speak for themselves: "I can guarantee I will do evil things, The only way that you can stop me now, Is if you put me in the ground, Somewhere I'll never be found" + Frontier Psychologist by The Avalanches: Hinges on the fact that the principal or whoever was like "Your sons a freak" and Shels mom was like "HES PERFECTLY FINE" while Shelley was like dismembering an animal or something + Johnny by American Murder Song: The songs good but theres this ONE LYRIC that sucks so the link provided is an edited version and also a lovely Warriors oc video I think you should all enjoy and support <3 Anyway Shel would be Johnny I could see this song being a scene in the book. Field trip to Shels house and they find his murder garden

If anyone wants more for Im not opposed to making another post :^)

[myvalzpival]

This is exactly the case of one anon message ruining a whole bunch of lives. But you asked for it, I’ll act upon it. Time to ruin your guys’ fucking weekend :)

So, yeah. First of all, that really is the full name of the video on youtube. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s focus on the apeshit feral shitstorm we’ve just listened to :)

To give you some context as of what I’ve been doing these past two days, upon the first listen (by which i mean i made it through the first verse and stopped because i couldn’t breathe), I was convinced this was a fake. It’s just another Nikki Tučková. This can’t be real. This CAN’T be serious, like, come on, that’s too much even for the Czech pop scene. So it was time to start digging around.

I googled Mr. Petr and the only kinda relevant-looking thing that popped up was this website. Now, bear in mind that this song came out 4 days ago, i was made aware of it 3 days ago, and since then the face of the Internet has changed drastically. So I’m staring at this dancer dude with a terrible english website, contemplating whether or not I should message this poor dude and offer my translation knowledge because it hurts my soul. But as I read through it, i was like... nah, that can’t be him. Although.... *violent flashback to the video, realizing he actually DOES dance really well*

So I continue digging and find exactly nothing. Then I finally decided to open the info card under the video and, voila, there’s a website! And WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT yes, it’s THE Michael Petr from StarDance. Also, just between us, he also has a rock project which sounds very suspiciously close to Trent’s Mystic Spiral from Daria.

So at that point I find an idnes article and I just know this whole thing is, indeed, meant very seriously and I turn into this very sad entity craving a hotdog.

Anyways! Time for the actual music breakdown!

1) It has a very generig Czech pop feel. There’s fucking nothing in that instrumental to make it memorable in any way. I tried to dig for something, i really tried, i found nothing, i was sad.

2) The whole lyrics don’t have one. single. rhyme. in it. I don’t know how on earth he did it, but this is like some wild dadaism shit. Phrasing doesn’t exist either.

3) On that note, there is NOT A SINGLE ROHLÍK IN THE VIDEO. But I’ll talk about 2) and 3) into more depth later.

4) The second I heard “ňamňamňamňamňam” my soul transcended into another realm

5) Dare I say it? I dare to say it. Michael neumí zpívat. Don’t get me wrong, he can maintain a tone, that’s nice. His voice is quite smooth and has a nice colour as well. Not interesting, but nice. But holy shit there’s exactly zero technique. Which might still not be a problem if there was at least some confidence/feel in it. Which is not. Therefore, Michael, in my eyes, can’t fucking sing and I’ll have this engraved on my gravestone out of spite if anyone tries to convince me otherwise. To elaborate a little, I didn’t listen just to this, I tortured myself by listening to all three of his so far released songs and it’s just not working. He sounds incredibly scared and not confidend while singing, which, considering his ego, is really interesting to me, you can clearly hear this dude hasn’t stood on stage singing EVER and he’s absolutely weirded out by the studio he’s recording at. And don’t even get me started on that harmonizing at the end... Holy shit. 

6) ON THIS NOTE! I shit you not, there’s an English version!

And believe it or not, it gives us a beautiful overview of everything that goes wrong in both the versions because, believe it or not, they differ A LOT.

I’m still a little puzzled about which of the versions happened first. He states in the idnes interview that the album is Czech-English, but one version clearly had to be first. I would guess the English version came out first because it actually RHYMES, but then again when you look at the Czech lyrics, they are not a translation. So what exactly happened there??? My guess is that the two versions were made in two different studios. I’d say the English version was done in America and the producer made Michael re-write the lyrics so that they rhyme, otherwise they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with such a shitty project. Yeah, the lyrics still suck but like... *sigh* listen, i don’t want to bash anyone for their knowledge of a foreign language. He clearly tried and I appreciate that, I’m just baffled by his confidence in his English abilities is all :’) But you can probably hear the English version differs even in the instrumental itself, it really adheres to the norms of American/Western notion of generic pop. You can also hear that the producer clearly FORBID Michael from doing the atrocious harmonizing, which I would love to publicly thank them for. The Czech version was obviously produced here, it has a more Czech feel to it and adheres to our norms instead. And the harmonizing is there. Now, I’m talking about the “ROHLÍK, DÁM SI JEDEN ROHLÍK” screamo situation which... is just all over the place, to put it kindly. I don’t know what the producer was thinking, but I can imagine that after dealing with Michael for some time, they just went “fuck it” and kept it in. Now, when we move to the last chorus, which has a gradual harmonizing added to it, I dare to guess it’s autotuned. Only slightly, but it is. Basically, it sounds way too flat (i mean his voice is overall real flat but the voices just “click” into each other way too well) and we know he tries to sing the harmonizing voices separately in the English version and it doesn’t go very well, does it. Last little note: Why is the English version on a different channel? I am confusion.

On the other hand, we can see that this whole project is a great example of over-production. The production value is huge. It’s well mixed (well, for what it is), the MV is a great quality, although a little stupid. But srsly, the dancemoves are 500% better than anything Aquababes’ve ever done, so at least that was nice. Also, 10/10 would DIE for Ms. Hotdog Lady, she’s having the time of her life and I’m here for that!

To give some more context, when I watched it 3 days ago, one day after its release, it had about 4k views, about 20 likes and about 400 dislikes. The comments were disabled. The English version had significantly less views, but the like/dislike ratio was similar, only the comments were enabled and, well... Let’s just say they aren’t anymore and for a very good reason. The numbers right now are about 26k views on Rohlíky and about 4k on Hot Dogs. The numbers of likes and dislikes are hidden with both of them. “Cesta”, the rock-ish song-ish thing, has about 800 views and everything is disabled as well. 

EDIT: Literally 10 seconds after posting this, the English version was deleted and uploaded on the same channel as Rohlíky. And guess what, you can still comment on it B^)

[mamgt]

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen - Book Review

⭐︎⭐︎⭐︎⭐︎

“And after all, Marianne, after all that is bewitching in the idea of a single and constant attachment, and all that can be said of one’s happiness depending entirely on any particular person, it is not meant — it is not fit — it is not possible that it should be so.”

I really enjoyed this one among Austen’s other works though I think it was because I religiously read it along with an audiobook. My brain doesn’t seem to comprehend her writing without it. It has a different way of reading as opposed to how the narrator in the audiobook does it. I also think I was able to appreciate the plot twists because the story isn’t as well known or adapted unlike Pride and Prejudice, and Emma. Both books are more popularized among common people like me through the famous trope of hate to love, and of course the pop culture classic- Clueless. I think I’m going to give Austen another try by re-reading said books along with its audio alternative.

I’ll begin by saying that I really fell in love with the characters. I guess, they were very relatable. You always know someone who is more logic than emotion, and one who is above all emotion over logic. Personally, my older sister would have been Marianne, and so I wasn’t annoyed with the character being so passionate because I knew someone who was like that. Meanwhile, I related more to Elinor because I tend to suppress my emotions and analyze them on my own. But I loved the want of balance between the two. Unlike Pride & Prejudice, which showed the negatives of having either of the two, Sense & Sensibility showed both the advantages and disadvantages of too much feeling and too much logic. Elinor was a little criticized for having no feelings and yet this very character is what saved her in times of distress because she knew how to keep her composure. Meanwhile, Marianne who was so beloved by her mother because she shared the same emotional capacity, suffered from feeling too much to the point that she got sick, not necessarily from emotions but it led to up to that. However, one was not better than the other because both were disappointed with the deception brought by their lovers. So it’s like, either you feel too much or too little you can always end up with the same fate. In the end though, they don’t end in the same fate but happy nonetheless. It was at least known that their lovers really did love them but it just so happens Marianne’s was just really an unfortunate man. I hate him by the way. I just want to clear that. I like that the book also pointed that out that though we pity him he is still brought down by his own choices.

Moreover, I have mentioned this, I like the plot twists. I really did scream when Edward was the one who came and not Colonel Brandon and to find out his intentions? As well as that Willoughby explaining his fuccboi-ness? I really have to give it to Austen because she has to be the first to have put a fuccboi in a book. That was all too accurate. I know too many Willoughbys. So I really liked that there was always a turn in the story.

However, I still give this 4/5 stars because I just have a few nitpicks. It wasn’t like WOW favorite. Will definitely read again. I may pick it up again sometime but not as quickly, I think. So first nitpick, there was no build up of Edward’s feelings towards Elinor, like there was no hints so idk like I was just happy Elinor got what she wanted but would I have necessarily rooted for Edward? No. I was honestly waiting for a new guy to show up for Elinor, meaning I wasn’t rooting for Edward and even though I was happy to find him at their house, I think I would be happy just the same if any guy who was affectionate of Elinor (even Colonel Brandon) came to profess their love and eligibility for marriage. Also, of course I have to compare her other works, and Austen really built up her other love stories in Pride and Prejudice, and Emma. I don’t know if the intention was so that you’d be surprised in the end but I was still surprised with the books I formerly mentioned when the couples came about. So I really wished there was more background or like scenes to show that they were fond of each other. Second, I don’t like the ending of Robert and Willoughby and I don’t care if that’s being bitter or mean. You can’t ALL have a happy ending…damn. I know Willoughby lived with the guilt and whatever but I don’t know. i just didn’t wanna know he was happy HAHAHAHAHAH. I also don’t like Robert and Lucy even became favorites. If it’s to show the character of Mrs. Ferrars…well I already hated her, you didn’t have to add another fact to do so. I don’t know. I just was a little off with that. I would have edited that out because it ruined everything for me HAHAHAHA. I also am a little sad for Marianne because I feel like she was a little forced to be Colonel Brandon and I like the Colonel HUHU. He’s a really nice dude and the nicest dude OF ALL the guy characters to be completely honest. I hated all the guys. I just think he deserved more…like I wish there was a scene that Marianne really and honestly did like him instead of “oh well because people insist.” I also think that that was what Marianne deserved: someone she naturally fell in love with and not because everyone teased her into it. It kind of went against the very Austen-ness of her characters. I like Austen because she always has powerful women in her stories. I don’t even care if there are complaints with Emma’s in particular LIKE YOU NEED WOMEN WHO DOESN’T SETTLE!!!  Lastly, I am still not in love with how she writes more so in this one. At least with P&P I marked so much lines I LOVE even though I didn’t enjoy it (but I’ll explain myself after re-reading HUHU). I gave it the same rating as Fitzgerald’s The Beautiful and Damned even though it was far more entertaining because Fitzgerald writes so well I have to quote WHOLE pages because they just SOUND LIKE MUSIC even if nothing is happening. I don’t know. It’s my thing, okay? I like pretty words that basically talk about the moon or something. Therefore, to get a five out of me is to be able to capture lyrical prose and powerful plot. Sometimes just powerful plot because that means that though simple the language, it was meant to make impact and it successfully did. This book wasn’t as powerful not because it wasn’t entertaining but powerful, for me, usually means I relate it so much I cry or my heart pumps to fast or whatever.

Anyways, there. I did enjoy it though. I’m so excited to watch the movie once its done downloading!!

[spaceorphan18]

Make Mine Music

So, Disney put all of it’s Animated Feature Films on Disney+ except this one.  Why? I’m not entirely sure? The Google isn’t being much help.  Maybe it’s because the first short is questionable in taste? It was edited out of the rare DVD releases.  I expected something explicitly racist but nothing stands out as such.  My biggest guess is that they couldn’t secure the rights to some of the songs, which is usually the case.  Who knows.  I expect at some point it’ll make its way back into the Disney canon. 

Meanwhile, though, all is not lost - I could find all the shorts on YouTube and other such video platforms.  Yay?  

So here we go, a run down of shorts you’ve probably not ever heard of.  

The Martins and the Coys - 

So, we kick it off with the most controversial little short.  It’s inspired by the whole Hatfields and McCoys thing -- which makes me wonder who thought that was a good idea to adapt into a children’s cartoon.  The story revolves around a bunch of dumbass rednecks who proceed to shoot each other dead until there are only two left.  And.  I had to stop and think about it as I was watching it.  It’s a cartoon, so it’s not graphic, and the ghosts all end up on clouds.  But --- this cartoon, seriously, had all of these idiots shoot each other dead in the first minute of this cartoon.  It’s incredibly morbid, and not really funny as Disney’s trying to make it off to be.  

The real ‘story’ is about a girl and boy left over from each family (lord help me, idk who is who), and they decide to fall in love instead -- except it’s stupid and dumb.  There’s nothing sweet about it.  Then there’s a five minute sequence of square dancing at the wedding, and afterwards, the girl and boy go back home, and still fight out the feud, because domestic violence is fun in kids’ cartoons.  

The whole cartoon is in bad taste, and I can see why they’d want to leave it behind.  Also, as a side note, the newlywed couple drive off in a car.  Which drives me crazy because this is the mid-19th century and no.  

Blue Bayou -

This was, like, a deleted scene from Fantasia, which was originally supposed to be set to Clair de Lune.  It’s literally just two birds flying around a literal blue bayou.  It would have worked, I think with the original music.  Instead, it’s the Ken Darby Singers singing a horrible song called Blue Bayou.  The audio quality doesn’t help it any - it truly horrid thing to listen to for five minutes.  But at least the animation is pretty.  

All the Cats Join In - 

So, the teens of Everytown USA dance to Benny Goodman.  That’s pretty much it.  I side-eye the fact that there’s an extended sequence where the teenage girl is drawn getting into and out of the shower merely because it seems the animators wanted to draw a nude girl.  You can also see the panties of the girls dancing, and there’s extended sequence where one of the girls gets upset that the animator made her butt look big.  Whatever.  Kind of opposite of the previous piece, I preferred the music over what was going on on screen. 

I’m also disappointed there weren’t more cats in something that self-identified as a cari’cat’ture.  

Without You - 

Unfortunately, it’s still decades before U2, and we’re subjected to this not great, depressing jazzy/Latino song about some dude waxing poetic, literally, abut missing the girl he loves.   The art is half way interesting as it tries to mimic the nonsensical lyrics of the song.  But the music was just irritating.  Again, recordings from the 40s, in general, don’t hold up well, but I’m also not a fan of this style of music nor this musical interpretation.  Sorry, Andy Russell. I’m sure you were a fine musician in your day. 

Casey at the Bat - 

I thought I had seen this one before somewhere, but the more I watched it, the more I realized that maybe I was just familiar with the poem.  It’s by far the most cartoonish and aimed at five-year-olds than anything that’s come before it, and I’m a bit meh on it.  By far the most interesting thing is the 40s comedic interpretation of the 1890s. 

Two Silhouettes - 

It’s two ballerina dancers (one male, one female) dancing to the title song.  You can tell that they’re live action people rotoscoped (apparently that’s what this is called) into the animation.  I mean.  You can tell that they were super excited about the idea of it -- especially, probably, after what they were doing with The Three Caballeros.  But silhouettes don’t really fit in (especially to the eyes of someone who is used to seamless CGI), and there’s a lot going on in the background, and most of it is not aesthetically pleasing.  Especially the color palette, which is kind of a barrage of colors that don’t look great together.  But mostly, this segment is just boring. 

Peter and the Wolf - 

This one I know I’ve seen before - most likely because it’s set to Prokofiev’s Peter and the Wolf, and I’m sure I watched in college to see how someone animated a short based on the narration of the music.  It’s the most straightforward cartoon so far, and turned way down compared to Casey at the Bat, which is a good thing.  It’s fine, it works.  Can’t say it was the most compelling thing, but it’s better than most everything else so far. 

After You've Gone - 

Another Benny Goodman piece.  I like Benny Goodman, so the music is at least enjoyable, and I’ll take the energetic pieces over the dreadfully boring ballads we keep getting.  The animation is the jazz instruments doing abstract things.  It’s fine.  The instruments on screen are reflecting what the music is doing in that moment, and while that should sound like an interesting idea, it’s really not that interesting on screen.  

Johnny Fedora and Alice Blue Bonnet - 

A fedora and a bonnet fall in love, and when they’re separated, the fedora has pines for his lost love until they reunite as hats for horses.  Thrilling, right? 

It does include the line: make your heart gay again.  And now I’m sad this isn’t about the fedora finding another fedora he can be life mates with. 

The Whale Who Wanted to Sing at the Met -

Well, I mean, ending on opera feels poetic if nothing else.  There’s a whale who sings, and a dude who thinks he’s swallowed opera singers instead of just being a whale who sings, because that is clearly more logical.  We get a montage of what looks like a meteoric rise to fame, only to find out that tragically the whale is harpooned instead of made famous.  I feel like there’s a metaphor in there somewhere.  While perhaps the most complex and compelling of all the shorts, I’m meh about opera, so I suppose I can just appreciate this for at least being innovated at the least. 

Final Thoughts: I don’t really understand who the intended audience for these shorts are.  Some are too silly for adults, while others are too drab and boring for kids (and lets face it - audiences who aren’t adults in the 40s).  

It felt more like the animators, who were scrapped for time because war, just threw things together that they were thought were interesting ideas, and nothing got really developed.  I’m also beginning to fully be fascinated by Disney’s obsession with the idea of parring music with visuals -- a theme in all of his films so far.  

I’m not sure any of this is outstanding work outside of mere curiosity from never having seen it before.   At least this calmer and, in a way, more enjoyable to sit through than the pummeling of whatever was on the screen during The Three Caballeros.  

[stayextrafrosty]

Friends with the Monster: part 2

Summary: You now know the reason Patrick moves around a lot. He has an alternate personality that scares you but you know you can’t just leave him. The shift is triggered by strong emotions. He wants you to stay away but you’re drawn to him and this other world you’ve been exposed to.

Part 1 / Part 2: Unrated / Part 3

Pairing: Patrick x Reader

Warning: I originally wrote a smut scene at the end but I decided to put it in a separate post because this was way too long and the smut wasn’t really needed for any story purposes. It will be titled “Friends with the Monster: Unrated”

Words: 7569 (this is ridiculously long but I couldn’t find a good place to cut it)

I stared up at my ceiling from my bed. I tried to make sense of what happened on Tuesday but nothing seemed to be helping. I couldn’t even focus on editing.

Patrick had an alternate personality. One that was mean and didn’t give a shit about anything. A monster. A demon was what Pete said…

-

“What the hell is going on?”

The door flew open and Pete rushed in. I hardly had time to register before he yanked me away from Patrick and stood in front of me. He held a small knife in front of him. Patrick held his hands up, looking sad but not surprised.

“Don’t move. Not until I make sure he’s really back,” Pete warned. He crouched down in front of Patrick. He took a hold of his chin and examined his face, probably checking his eyes. I saw his shoulders relax. “He’s fine. How’d you pull him out of it? You usually need to knock him out.”

“I really don’t know. I just called to him. He pulled himself out of it,” I said. Pete looked skeptical.

“He hasn’t been able to do that before,” Pete said.

“The ‘he’ you are referring to is still in the room and can be talked to directly,” Patrick huffed. I pushed past Pete and helped him stand. He seemed to check me over for injuries again.

“Seriously though, what is this? How did this come on?” The two boys glanced at each other. I saw Pete shake his head slightly. My eyebrows narrowed at them. “If you are honestly trying to decide whether to tell me or not, may I remind you that I just witnessed the bad stuff first hand and I’m still here.” Patrick sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“She’s right Pete, she deserves to know.” Pete glared at me and sighed. I couldn’t quite tell if he liked me or not.

“Alright. Well, as you saw, Patrick has another side to him. A demon is the easiest way to put it. Think of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We determined it was the same concept,” Pete started.

“The only problem is we don’t know what or who made me this way. We don’t know if its genetic or if maybe I was experimented on. I was abducted as a kid but none of this started happening until a few years ago.” Patrick shoved his hands in his pockets and a blush seemed to creep onto his face.

“The change is triggered by strong emotions. Typically anger, possessiveness, safety of loved ones,” Pete paused and glanced between Patrick and I. Patrick looked down. “And lust. But that one is something that started in the past year.” I felt the heat rise to my face. Pete never asked what triggered the change which means he already knew it had something to do with me.

I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly feeling cold. Patrick reached for me but then dropped his hand. I wanted him to touch me again. I wasn’t scared of him, I was scared of his alternate personality.

“That’s enough for now. No need to overwhelm her. It’s late.” Pete crossed his arms and headed to the kitchen. Patrick walked me to the door.

“I’m sorry to have dragged you into this. But now you know. And because of that, I expect you to listen to me when I tell you to stay away,” he looked sad but his voice was firm. There was no way I was going to let him deal with this by himself. I guess he had Pete but he needed more than that.

“I will do whatever I think will help you. If that means dealing with your other personality, so be it.” I crossed my arms and refused to back down. Patrick let out an exasperated sigh.

“Please. Listen to me, please. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

“You’re hurting me by pushing me away. I want to help. I can help figure out what’s going on. I can do research.”

“We’ve done all the research we can. There’s nothing.”

“Then I can look again! Patrick I’m not going to let-“ Patrick grabbed my shoulders and kissed me. It was quick and I didn’t even have time to respond. His hands moved up to hold my face gently, his forehead resting on mine.

“Thank you, (Y/N). I will come to you, I promise. I care about you and I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

I turned onto my side to stare at a picture of my family. I was an only child so when I moved out, my parents took that opportunity to travel as much as they could. I don’t blame them. I think they’re somewhere in Germany right now. I occasionally got postcards but I still missed them. I wanted to talk to my mom about Patrick. Not the demon part of it but the normal bits.

It had been a few days since everything happened. I hadn’t actually seen him since then either. But he had left me a couple notes. They were short and sweet. His handwriting was a bit messy but still legible. It was kind of cute honestly.

One said: “Thank you. You’re an amazing person and I just hope I don’t ruin everything. I’ll see you soon.”

The second: “We are alive here in death valley. But don’t take love off the table yet.”

I didn’t know what to make of the second one when I received it originally. It reminded me of song lyrics. I know that my face was red the rest of the day. Kayla was nice enough to tell me that when she stopped by.

I wondered if I should go over there. I wanted to know if he was okay. I keep telling myself that when he wants to see, he will but… I’ll admit I’m not a patient person. There was a knock at my door. Patrick?

I hurried to open the door. In my hopefulness, I didn’t actually check who it was. Ben stood in front of me with a vaguely pissed off look. My smiled dropped and I crossed my arms.

“What? Was the message not clear a few nights ago?” He sneered at me.

“Well it doesn’t look like your little boy toy is around now. He’ll dump you as soon as he realizes you won’t put out. Unlike me, who knows you don’t want sex, and still wants to be with you!” I rolled my eyes.

“As I recall, you did break up with me because I didn’t want sex. And the truth is, I want sex, just not with you.” I smiled sweetly at him and went to close my door. He pushed it back open.

“All I’m asking for is another chance. I know I made a mistake but I’m here to fix it. I could treat you way better than that loser you were with.” He tried to smile at me in a what I assume was supposed to be seductive way. I laughed out loud.

“You don’t get another chance. You’re a manipulative dick and I never want to look at your face again. Now leave me alone.” Ben’s face twisted in rage as I went to close the door. He shoved my door open and I stumbled back. I looked for the closest thing to defend myself.

“Now listen here you little bitch…” The end table would be too slow. Any pillow would be ineffective. The knives were too far away. I braced myself to fight. He was stronger than me but I just needed to hold him off until someone heard me. I yelled as loud as I could.

“Hey! Someone call the cops! Help! Please!” He lunged for me. I tried to move back but tripped on my own feet. He grabbed my arms. I tried to pull free but I just wasn’t strong enough. I yelled some more before he shoved me to the ground and covered my mouth and nose. I struggled but I knew the more energy I used, the faster I would pass out.

Suddenly I could breathe again. Ben had been pulled off me and thrown against the wall. Someone kneeled next to me as I tried to get all the air back into my body. I gazed up into blue eyes as I panted. Patrick looked over me, checking for serious injuries.

“I called the police before intervening. They’ll be here soon. Are you ok?” He brushed a stray hair out of my face. I nodded, at a loss for words. I glanced over his shoulder at Ben. I saw him stumble up and try to get out the door.

“Patrick, he’s running!” Patrick stood and spun around. He kicked the back of his knees and Ben fell again. He didn’t stay down for long. He whirled around and went to punch Patrick in the face. Patrick blocked the shot but not enough. The force was still enough to make him stumble. Patrick looked back at me and I saw his eyes shifting between yellow and blue.

Oh no.

I tried to get up as fast as I could. The snarl on Patrick’s face was terrifying and I could only imagine what Ben was seeing right now.

“Dude, what the fuck are you?” Ben tried to run but Patrick was faster. He grabbed him and threw him against the wall.

I grabbed his shoulders and made him look at me. I don’t think he’s fully transformed yet, so hopefully I could bring him back.

“Get out of the way, (Y/N).” He was still in there. Still fighting. I wasn’t giving up on him.

“No. Patrick, look at me. This isn’t you. You’re still awake in there, I know it. Fight it Patrick!” He shook his head and grimaced, as though he was in pain. “Look at me,” I said again. He did for a brief moment. I watched his eyes change from yellow to green to blue and then back to a yellowish blue.

He then grabbed my face and kissed me. It was passionate and I couldn’t stop myself from responding. There was something different about this. I seemed rough at first but he held my face gently. His tongue was sweet as it pushed past my lips every time he kissed me. He pulled away from me slightly, our foreheads resting against each other. I watched as the last of the yellow faded from his eyes.

“Dear lord,” he mumbled. We heard the police rush in the front door of the building. I went to pull away from Patrick but he held me close. I pointed to Ben on the floor, who was just regaining consciousness. They cuffed him and asked Patrick and I few questions.

I explained what happened, of course leaving out the part where Patrick went a bit mad. They questioned Marie too but she was a bit hard of hearing. She didn’t hear me yell. Kayla and Don were both working today. The police finished up the notes and left about an hour later.

-

Patrick and I sat in silence on my couch as I put some ice on his face. There was already a bruise forming where he had been hit. I found it hard to look at him now that we were alone. He disappeared for three days and then he just comes back and kisses me like that. I didn’t know what to think.

His eyes were almost yellow when he started kissing me but turned back to blue after he pulled away. I guess that’s what confused me. Which Patrick kissed me like that? My heart started pounding just thinking about it.

I couldn’t let the awkward silence go on between us for much longer. I sighed and Patrick glanced over at me.

“I’m sorry, Patrick. I wish you hadn’t been brought into that. It’s my fault you got hurt. Thank you for helping me, but I’m still sorry,” I said. He took my hand that was holding the ice to his face and kissed it.

“No. You don’t even need to apologize to me for stuff like this. I got involved. Anything that happened to me is not your fault. I told you that I didn’t want to see you get hurt. I meant it. I don’t want anyone to hurt you.” I looked down at my hand in his. He sighed and when I looked up at him, a light blush covered his cheeks.

“Besides, I should be the one apologizing. I shouldn’t have… um… I’m sorry I… uh… kissed you… the way I did… It was out of line…” He looked anywhere but at my face. So, it was this Patrick and not his alter ego?

“I though you couldn’t remember anything when you shift,” I asked? He ran a hand through his hair.

“My other personality didn’t completely take over. I was still awake, it was just difficult to control my impulses. It’s a constant fight with this ‘other me.’ He wants one thing while I want another.” I frowned slightly. I couldn’t stop myself from asking.

“So… was it you that kissed me? Or… him?” Patrick dropped his head into his hands and sighed.

“Honestly? I don’t know.” Something panged in my chest. So, he doesn’t want to kiss me. I let out a shaky breath and stood. “(Y/N)?” Man was I pathetic. I shouldn’t even be worrying about this. There were more important things.

“You want a glass of water or something,” I asked? I did my best to smile but he looked very unconvinced. I turned and hurried to the kitchen. I went to grab a glass out of the cabinet but Patrick pushed it shut. I turned to face him, frustrated that he followed me. “Hey, what-“ But I didn’t get a chance to finish. He kissed me gently, as one hand ran through my hair.

It didn’t last long but I could feel the heat rushing to my face once he pulled away. A sweet smile graced his face as he caressed my cheek.

“Don’t misunderstand. I wanted to kiss you. I want to kiss you now. I never want to stop touching you. But I want to do it right. The reason I said that I couldn’t tell which one it was, was because I was still conscious yet I couldn’t control myself. I didn’t want to take advantage of the situation like that.” I leaned my head against his hand. I understood. But…

“Well… I kind of… enjoyed it…” I mumbled, not looking at him. I heard him chuckle. I glanced up at him with this goofy grin on his face. It was adorable.

“I think we should take this slow.” He kissed my head and pulled away from me. He made his way to the door and I followed. “It’s getting late. And I told the guys I’d meet up with them at some point. I nodded as he opened the door. “Have a good night, (Y/N). Oh, and here.” He handed me a slip of paper before shutting the door behind him. I opened the sheet of paper.

I don’t know where you’re going but do you got room for one more troubled soul? Xxx-xxx-xxxx

He left me his number. I giggled at the note and wandered back to my room. I picked up my phone and added his contact. I sent back one word.

Yes

-

A few weeks pass and I’m happier than ever. Work was going well, my book was almost done, and Patrick and I were dating. We had a date night a couple times a week. Sometimes we stayed in, sometimes he took me to some restaurant that I had never heard of before. There weren’t any problems with his alter ego either. At least, not until he was late for date night.

No call. No text. It was an hour after he said he would be here. It was one of our stay in nights but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t worried. He was only late once and he had called me to let me know. But this time, there was nothing.

I tried calling him again. Voicemail. Pete, nothing. Joe, nothing. Andy, nothing. I paced across my living room, trying to not bite my nails. I tried turning on the news for a distraction.

“Three men have been taken into custody for the murders of seven former felons. They were all found covered in the blood of the newest victim. Suspect Patrick Stump is said to be the only one cooperating with the investigation.”

I froze when I heard the name. Patrick. This had to be some freaky coincidence, right? But no. There was his mug shot. He looked tired and sad. His eyes weren’t their normal blue. They were mixed with a deep yellow. Oh god, Patrick. What did you do? I grabbed my jacket and rushed out.

-

The station was quiet when I walked in. I headed straight for the front desk. I had to talk to him. I needed to know what was going on. The receptionist hardly looked at me when I came up to the counter.

“Excuse me, is there any way I could see Patrick Stump? He’s one of the people they brought in earlier today.” He man sighed, looking annoyed.

“You can sit and wait over there with the rest of them.” I glanced over at the waiting area. Pete, Andy, and Joe were all talking silently to one another. I hurried over to them.

“Hey guys. Mind telling me why none of you answered my calls? Or told me what was going on?” I clenched my jaw, trying to refrain from talking too loud. They all jumped slightly as I came up behind them.

“(Y/N), I’m sorry. We didn’t want you to worry,” Andy said.

“Yea. We were just going to prove his innocence then bail him out of here,” Joe added. I glanced at Pete. He stood there with his arms crossed looking out the window. I ran a hand through my hair. Pete knew Patrick and I were supposed to meet up tonight. Patrick told him pretty much everything. If anything was kept from me, it was his idea.

“Patrick and I were supposed to meet up tonight. I’ve been worried sick for a couple hours now.” Joe and Andy shared a glance the looked back at Pete. I knew it. What was his problem with me?

“So, Pete. Why didn’t you tell me what was going on? I know you knew Patrick and I were supposed to see each other.” I moved to stand in front of him. He just shook his head then glared at me.

“Well, despite what you may think, you don’t need to know everything about him. I thought that maybe, if I let you believe that he stood you up, we could finally get out of here. You know too much anyway. I tried to tell him not to get too close to anyone. He listened to me until you came along. He won’t listen to reality anymore. You have him thinking that he can somehow live a normal life. You have him so fucked up in love with you that he lost sight of what we’re supposed to be doing,” he whisper yelled at me. I flinched at his words. I knew Pete didn’t like me. He put on a good show when Patrick was around, but this was what he really thought.

“Or maybe you should stop trying to decide what’s best for him. I think he’s old enough to do that for himself. And besides, how can you claim to know what’s best for him when you can’t even accept who he is? Well guess what, I do. I love him for who he is. I don’t need him to change.” It was his turn to flinch. He scoffed at me then turned away. The awkward silence didn’t last long. One of the officers that had brought the suspects and Patrick in said we could see him.

“I only have time for a couple of you to see him. It has to be one at a time and all belongings must be left outside of the visiting room.” We all agreed to the terms. Pete spoke from behind me.

“Let her go first. She’s the most worried.” I turned to Pete and raised an eyebrow. He didn’t look at me but something had changed in his voice. It was softer. Sympathy?

I followed the officer back to the visiting room. I left my phone and my bag outside and let them search me for weapons. Then they let me inside. Patrick sat at a table with his head in his hands.

He looked terrible. He was in a blue t-shirt that had dried blood all over. His face was dirty but I could see a bruise forming on one side. His boots had dried mud on them. It was like someone had dragged him along behind a car.

“Patrick…” I said, my voice cracking. His head snapped up to look at me. His eyes were blue but it looked like he had been crying. I hurried over to him as he stood up. Throwing my arms around him, I tried to not cry with joy. At least he was in one piece.

“(Y/N) what are you doing here?” He held me tight and rocked me back and forth.

“I saw the news. I was so worried when you didn’t show up and I couldn’t get in touch with you or any of the guys. I just needed a distraction but there you were. A mugshot of you. Your eyes were partially yellow. What happened?” I pulled back and brushed some of the loose hair out of his face.

“I just saw them dragging the guy and I followed them. My phone was dead. It was dumb, I know. I tried to save him but it was too late. They strangled him. When I tried to stop them, they came after me with a pocket knife. Well, survival instinct kicked in I guess. I managed to stay awake but I know I hurt them.” The remorse on his face was evident.

“And you’re sure you never shifted completely?” I hated to ask but you never know. Maybe he just couldn’t remember something.

“I’m pretty positive. But I guess I wouldn’t remember even if I did.” I pulled him close and kissed his bruised cheek. I trusted him. He wouldn’t hurt anyone without reason.

“Don’t worry. The guys and I are going to get you out of here. They said they were going to prove your innocence. You’ll be home soon.” He held my face in his hands.

“Sorry for ruining date night. I’ll have to make it up to you.” I laughed at him as he leaned in closer. Of course, he would be worried about that. He kissed me tenderly. It felt like I had to stop myself from melting. His kisses always woke up my whole body. We never got too far when kissing. We always had to stop before we triggered the shift.

Patrick’s tongue teased mine gently. He still tasted like vanilla and it always reminded me of our first date. I ran my hands through his hair and he bit my bottom lip gently. I nipped back at him and I felt his hands squeeze my hips. He pulled away from me slightly, resting his head on mine. His eyes were closed and I heard a low growl come from his throat. He opened his eyes slowly and a mild yellow had highlighted the blue in his eyes.

“Patrick,” I started. He pushed me away from him gently.

“Yea, I know. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.” I smiled as a little pout took over his face. A knock at the door interrupted us. I had forgotten where we were. I wonder how many people saw that little show. I blushed as the officer that lead me in earlier stepped into the room. My time was up.

“I’ll see you soon,” I said as I left. He smiled at me and gave a bit of a wave.

As I was gathering my stuff outside, Pete came up to me. I guess they decided Pete needed to be the one to talk to him about getting out.

“Look, (Y/N). I’m sorry for being so harsh. I know you care about him. I do, too. Patrick’s like a brother to me. The last thing I want is to see him get hurt because he was too caught up in a dream. Truth is, the happiest I’ve ever seen him is when he’s with you. And I want to thank you for that. But he can’t forget that we need to find out why he’s this way.” He ditched his stuff where mine just was and let the officer take him into the room.

I made my way back to Joe and Andy. They were handing over a flash drive to an officer. He shook both of their hands and headed to a back room. I sat down with them.

“What was that you were handing over? Was that the evidence to free Patrick?” They nodded at my question.

“It’s security footage of the street Patrick saw them on. It shows two guys dragging a body and then Patrick running after them. There’s also footage of them attacking Patrick but him somehow knocking them off. It also shows him trying to save the victim but not of the victim getting strangled,” Joe explained. That sounded like more than enough to get him released. We sat there in silence for a bit before Pete showed up. He looked pissed and more frantic than ever. He looked around before speaking to Joe.

“Tell me you have copies of those videos.” Joe looked confused but nodded.

“Yea, I always keep duplicates why?” Pete shook his head and signaled for us to follow him. Once we were outside he spoke again.

“There’s some dirty cops working this. They hired the hitmen to kill all these people. They’re going to try and destroy the evidence. The sheriff told me that Patrick would be released tomorrow after they finish questioning him. Most likely around three. But that won’t happen if the videos don’t exist to prove he’s innocent. They’re trying to frame Patrick.” We all looked at each other.

“And why didn’t you go to the sheriff with this,” I asked? Pete shook his head sadly.

“Because I have no evidence except for something that I overheard. My only concern is getting Patrick out of there before they learn too much.” Well at least we agreed on something. “There’s nothing more we can do tonight. I told Patrick what we had and to try and stick it out for a bit longer.”

“Alright. So, we meet back here tomorrow at nine,” Andy said. Joe and Pete nodded in agreement then went their separate ways. I watched them go as Andy came and wrapped an arm around me. “We’ll get him out. Don’t worry.” I liked Andy. He was always sweet and kind. And unlike Pete, he actually liked me. He and Patrick were close. They nerded out together sometimes and Andy would encourage Patrick to work out with him. I smiled and leaned against him.

“Thanks Andy. I appreciate it. But I don’t think there’s any way for me to not worry about Patrick.” We laughed and said our goodbyes.

I didn’t sleep well that night. Dreams of Patrick hurting people tormented me. Why now? I trust him. He doesn’t want to hurt people. But… his alter ego does.

-

I walked into the station the next morning with a large coffee in my hand. All night the dreams persisted. Enough that I knew I needed to talk to Patrick’s alter ego. I had to reason with him. Make sure that he didn’t hurt anyone.

The guys had beat me here and I joined them on the couches. Pete also had a coffee in his hand. Guess I wasn’t the only one who didn’t sleep well.

The day dragged for the most part. It was a lot of just sitting and waiting for an officer to talk to us for maybe three minutes then leave again. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. There was even talk of him getting out early.

Around one twenty, the first of the bad news came to us. The files on the flash drive were corrupted. They couldn’t watch the videos to confirm what Patrick was telling them. Pete spoke out.

“They were tampered with! Someone in this station is trying to cover their tracks. Investigate the people who had access to the flash drive.” He was trying not to yell. Tired Pete was kind of scary to be around. He was mean and brutally honest. He took no shit.

“Look sir. I understand you’re upset but that’s no reason to accuse officers of tampering with evidence. They all take an oath to protect the innocent.” Pete dug into his pocket, ignoring the officer completely. He pulled out another flash drive and shoved it toward the man.

“This one isn’t corrupted. Look at it. And one of us must be with this flash drive at all times. One of your people is trying to frame my best friend to cover their own ass. Someone took the whole ‘protecting the innocent’ thing too far.”

The officer nodded and let Pete follow him to a back room. They weren’t gone long. Maybe ten minutes? But it felt like a year. Patrick leaving depended completely on those videos. I noticed that I was starting to bite my nails. I moved to sit on my hands.

Pete looked happy with himself. I guess it worked. The officer looked apologetic and angry. He was kind to us but I could tell from the way he spoke that someone was in trouble.

“I’m very sorry for the inconvenience. We will have your friend out here as soon as possible. But we may be calling him back for help throughout the rest of the case. And I assure you that the people who are tampering with the evidence will be held accountable.” There was a collective sigh between us. Shoulders dropped and we all seemed to lean back in our seats.

Another hour passed before they let him go. We were all itching to get out of the damned place and we weren’t even locked up. They brought him out in handcuffs but they didn’t stay on long. The bruise on his face looked worse than yesterday. Probably because I could see it clearly. It looks like they let him wash his face.

The guys all hugged him, like real hugs. They were making jokes about his beat-up face and the fact that he smelled a bit. They were all laughing and looked so happy to be back as a group. They were all so close and I envied that.

When Patrick noticed me, his face changed. His eyes seemed to glow and a wide smile spread on his face. He pushed through the guys and hurried over to me. I laughed as he picked me up and spun me around. It was so cheesy but I loved it. I loved him.

“Not in front of everyone, Patrick,” I said, still laughing. “It’s like you’re coming back from war or something.” He set me down and kissed me softly. His face looked a bit sad as he whispered to me.

“I need to talk to you. About the dreams.” He knew about my nightmares? I raised an eyebrow and was going to ask but he shook his head. The guys came up to us, teasing. I’ll have to let my questions sit for now.

-

We all went back to Patrick’s apartment. We let him shower and ordered some Chinese food. We asked him about what had happened but it was still the same story.

“I mean. I just wanted to help someone. It doesn’t feel like any part of my memory is missing. I followed them and I was stupid and got caught. I’m really sorry I put you guys through all this. I know it must have been stressful.” I held Patrick’s hand. The guys all shrugged it off.

“Well don’t let your phone die next time and ask for backup or call the cops.” Joe punched his arm lightly.

“He’s got a point ya dumb ass,” Pete teased. There was a real smile on his face and he was quite handsome.

We all settled for one of the Harry Potter movies to watch. While the books were obviously better, the movies still did a very good job. We all sat there making stupid comments on what the movie changed and what could have been done better for the entire two and a half hours.

After the movie ended, Joe and Andy said that they needed to get home to their girlfriends. They headed out but Pete stuck around, as if he was babysitting us. It was pretty polite conversation but something seemed off.

“Alright look. I’m going to apologize again. (Y/N), I’m sorry for being a royal dick to you. And Patrick, I’m sorry for trying to fuck up one of the few good relationships you have. To be honest, I actually like you (Y/N). You’re a pretty cool girl and one of the most headstrong that I know. I know I said some harsh stuff to you at the station but I was just concerned for Patrick. So, I’m sorry.” Pete shoved his hands in his pockets. His cheeks seemed to have a pink tint to them but I didn’t point it out.

“Don’t worry about it, Pete. I understand,” I said, smiling at him. He let out a sigh of relief and smiled back. Then he made his way to the door.

“Oh, and Patrick, I kinda jumped the gun for you. Sorry. Now you two be safe,” Pete called just before closing the door.

The heat rose to my face. I knew he was partially baby-sitting us! I glanced over at Patrick, laughing awkwardly. But he wouldn’t even look at me.

“Patrick? What is it?” I tried to get him to face me but he would just turn away more.  His cheeks, well cheek, was pink. Pete had apologized to him about jumping the gun?

“… have him so fucked up in love with you…”

Oh. Right. Wait? He loved me? I took his hand in mine and leaned on his shoulder. I took a few deep breaths before speaking.

“I hope you don’t think I’m mad or something. Pete said he ‘jumped the gun’ for you but I would much rather have you tell me whatever it is.” I tried to play like I still didn’t know what he was talking about. He Patrick finally faced me. His face was red and he looked conflicted.

“Look, (Y/N), I really like you. I like spending time with you. You make me feel normal. Like I’m capable of being loved without being a project.” He took another shaky breath. “I love you. I’m absolutely crazy about you.” I couldn’t stop the smile that broke out on my face. I threw my arm around him and hugged him.

“I love you, too. So much.” He squeezed me against him, I even heard my back crack a bit. That made us both laugh hysterically.

Once we calmed down, I knew we needed to discuss my nightmares. I just wonder how he knows about them.

“Patrick… how did you know about my nightmares?” He stroked my hair softly. He didn’t say anything at first.

“Apparently my alter ego knows how to talk to me through my dreams. He told me that he knows how to plant dreams in your mind also. I don’t know how it works. He refused to explain it. I know what you saw. I promise, I’ve never done anything like that.” I nodded against his shoulder.

“But what if these nightmares keep coming back,” I asked him? He kissed my head.

“Then I guess I’ll have to try and reason with him. You don’t deserve to be tormented.” He held me tighter and I moved to look at him. I ran my hand over the bruise on his face. He was a good person. He didn’t deserve to be tormented either. He worried about hurting people and he shouldn’t have to.

“Hey, what if I tried talking to him…?” Patrick’s face went flat. Then his eyes narrowed.

“Are you insane? You want to try and bring that thing out of me? Who knows what he’ll do!” Patrick let me go and ran his hands through his hair. “No. Final answer.” He stood and walked into the kitchen. He was not getting out of this that easily.

“Listen to me! You shouldn’t have to worry about hurting people and this is the only way I can think of to help. You can learn to control your alter ego! But you can only do that if you shift.” The cupboard door that he had opened slammed shut. I had to refrain from jumping.

“There is nothing I can do to control him. I’ve tried!” He filled the glass with water.

“Well maybe you just need…” He whirled on me, grabbing me and pinning me against the counter. His eyes had hints of the golden yellow swimming in the blue.

“I can’t control it because we’re the same person, dammit!” I shrunk back a little bit. “The things he wants? They’re just the personification of the things I want. I get angry, I hate certain people, my pessimistic self is all this ‘alter ego’ is. It’s me. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it.” I wasn’t going to stand down. I pushed back against him, trying to gain some space.

“I’m not scared of you Patrick. You think I should be but I’m not.” His eyes flared. If I pushed just a little more…

“This idea of yours is the exact opposite of safe, (Y/N).” I smirked at him.

“I’m pretty sure that Pete meant sex when he said that,” I said, rolling my eyes. The golden yellow took up most of his eyes now. He trapped me against the counter again. His voice had turned into a low growl. He was barely hanging on.

“Why are you doing this? You know I don’t want to hurt you…” I had to help him somehow. I ran my hands over his shoulders and chest.

“But you want to kiss me, don’t you? Do that instead,” I whispered to him. I pulled his face close to mine and bit my lip. I tried to convince myself that I knew what I was doing. All I needed was for him to shift over completely. I had all the control in this situation. That’s what I thought before he kissed me.

I wasn’t prepared for the hunger. The passion. The almost violent way he kissed me. We had never kissed like this before. It was tongue and biting and grabbing in a way he never let it get to when he was normal. I wasn’t prepared to want it so much.

My hands were tangled in his hair and he bit my bottom lip. I moaned and could feel his grin against my lips. I pulled away from him to breathe and he attached himself to my neck, biting and sucking. He pressed his full body against me so I could feel everything. I knew how much he wanted me.

“Patrick,” I sighed. He kissed his way up my neck. Our eyes met. The bright yellow stood out and that brought me back to reality.

“Yes darling? I believe you wanted to talk to me?” I tried to get my thought process back in check. I’m sure my lips were swollen from kissing him but I couldn’t think about that now.

“Yes. I do need to talk to you.” He pouted at me.

“Just talk? But I was so happy with what we were doing before. You seemed to be having a good time.” I ignored his comment and ducked under his arm when he leaned in again. I was not going to get distracted.

“You told Patrick that you put those nightmares in my head. How?” He sighed and walked over to me, stepping into my personal bubble.

“It’s quite easy to plant ideas in a girls’ mind when she’s aroused. And all I did, was show you what we could do. The power that we have.” His hand ran over my face, almost lovingly. I smacked it away.

“You can’t hurt anyone. That would destroy him.” He narrowed his eyes at me.

“You’re still thinking of us as two separate people. But I know he informed you that we are one in the same. We share everything. Thoughts, desires. Emotions.” The look in his eyes changed, it was almost soft. He reached for me again and when I didn’t stop him, took my face in both of his hands.

“What do you mean,” I asked hesitantly?

“It means, as annoying as it is, I care for you. And I don’t want to hurt you.” my shoulders relaxed slightly. Patrick walked me backwards until my back was against a wall. “Don’t read me wrong, darling. I’m the dark side remember? I want you. I want to own your body, make you beg for me. I would protect you with my life because you are mine.” His face was close to mine again.

“Make the dreams go away. And don’t ever hurt anyone. Let Patrick control you.” He pulled away from me slightly and laughed.

“Oh darling, Patrick already does control me. I can only come out when he lets me. His subconscious has decided the times it’s ok to let me come out. He’s too scared of what he’ll do so he ends up not being able to remember what happens during these little switches.” I nodded slightly and looked down.

“Now the thing I’m curious about, is why you decided to let me kiss you to get me out? You could have easily kept arguing and brought me out that way.” The knowing smile on his lips was enough to make me red. Both in embarrassment and anger. I shoved him back.

“It was just faster. If I had kept arguing, he would have calmed himself down. That’s it.” That was it. That was the only reason.

“Why do I not believe you? Maybe it was the way you held me close. Maybe it was the way you said my name. Maybe it was the way you moaned as I kissed you. You want me. You love the other Patrick and you want him too. But you can’t help but be drawn into the passion that he’s holding back in me.” His fingers ghosted up and down my arms before they trailed up over my neck. He took my face in his hands again, leaning in close.

“Give me the other Patrick back,” I whispered. He froze and looked at me, frustrated.

“Fine. But I’m sure I’ll see you again in the next thirty minutes.” He backed away and sat on the couch. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, then fell over. Well at least he was kind enough to sit on the couch first. I hurried over to Patrick. He groaned a bit before his eyes fluttered open.

“Hey, you alright,” I asked? He sat up slowly.

“Just tell me what happened before I start yelling at you again…” I nodded and started to explain.

“I made him promise that there would be no more dreams. And that he wouldn’t hurt anyone. He never explained to me what he did though. He said that it’s your subconscious that decides when he comes out. You can remember what happens during the switch. Just try to stop being afraid of what you can do.” Patrick looked unconvinced.

“And he just agreed to all of that? What else happened?” I was kneeling between Patrick’s legs as he sat on the loveseat. He didn’t need to know the details.

“He just teased me a lot. And he sort of agreed. He explained to me that you two were the same person. That means that you guys share everything, even emotions. He said that he’d protect me with his life…” I trailed off once I noticed the intensity on his face.

“I would protect you with my life. You mean the world to me. He’s right though. We are the same person. The things he said to you, are most likely things that I’ve thought or subconsciously wish would happen.” He pets my hair gently. I couldn’t help myself. I climbed up into his lap with my legs on either side of him. “(Y/N)?” I just smiled down at him.

“I love you so much, Patrick. I promise we are going to figure this out.” He blushed as he looked at me. I leaned down and kissed him, soft and sweet.

[lanadelreyfiles-blog]

Lana Del Rey is Complex’s Summer 2017 Cover Story. Lana Del Rey Talks "Lust for Life," Avoiding Cultural Appropriation, and Getting Political For six years now Lana Del Rey has attracted and foiled critics with pop music that does not sound like any of her peers. The mild, smoky voice, the judicious use of rap production, the juxtaposition of classic American images and sounds with hyper-contemporary, crass language, from these elements Lana makes music that feels at once familiar and strange. ‘Lust For Life’ is her most ambitious album yet, and as Lana explains in her third Complex cover appearance, it emerged from a period of self-examination that, when it ended, left her "looking at everything else" the world has to offer. Hopeful and questioning, the album engages with the tumultuous and oftentimes terrifying politics of 2017 on songs like ‘God Bless America—And All the Beautiful Women in It’ and ‘When the World Was at War We Kept Dancing.’ Elsewhere, this more expansive worldview means features from artists like Stevie Nicks, Playboi Carti, Sean Ono Lennon, and ASAP Rocky. "I was ready to have some of my friends jump on the record," she says,"[and] they were all naturally a little bit lighter than me." Lightness is, in some ways, the operating principle for Lana Del Rey right now. At 32, her career is no longer "guesswork," the way it was when she first began. The questions of authenticity and agency that greeted her upon arrival are irrelevant. There's only Lana Del Rey. This interview has been edited for clarity and length.

— You were living in New York when you put out ‘Born To Die’ and I know that you went from being like normal New Yorker who rides the subway to Lana del Rey who's on Page Six and is the subject of long thinkpieces in the Times. Lana Del Rey: That was fucked up. It just changed it. I remember I was working somewhere else and I was on my way back from there and I was getting on the 6 train, and TMZ was behind me the whole time. — On the train? LDR: Yeah, I had run into this camera-man. It was the first time I had seen a paparazzi, but he wasn’t taking pictures, he was just filming. I don’t even know if I had ever seen that before ‘cause it’s someone with a VHS following you around. — Was he trying to talk to you? LDR: Yeah, and I was answering and I sounded crazy. I went down and got my ticket, swiped it, waited for the train. I looked behind me, the guy had got a ticket too, and he was waiting too. I was like, Wait, is this real life? Honestly from then on one of those guys I had seen that day was just always there. I thought to myself, I think I gotta move somewhere. — Your first three covers are all fairly serious, sort of oscillating between kind of almost sad and maybe a little bit aloof on the ‘Honeymoon’ one. This is the first one where you’re smiling. LDR: Well, the ‘Honeymoon’ cover I thought was more just casual. I felt like I was in a more casual space. But this was definitely in an even more lighter space altogether. My sister, Chuck, shot it, but we shot it in the parking lot behind the scenes of my ‘Love’ video. We didn’t know if we were going to get the cover but we definitely knew I was gonna smile. We took a couple frames, and we developed it that week, and I felt like that was the one. — For being a fairly dark time to live in the world, it’s kind of interesting that this is actually your most optimistic work, at least in its titling and its imagery. What’s the genesis of that? LDR: Well there was a little bit of a shift in me naturally. I felt like I had kind of said a lot and done a lot through the records. I was ready to have some of my friends jump on the record [and] they were all naturally a little bit lighter than me, so that was kind of happening in my world. I felt like two years of recording really dark tunes would not be fun. — You do touch on problems of the world and politics in this work in a way that your previous albums did not. Was that a conscious decision? LDR: On the last records I needed to look inward to figure out why things had gone so far down one path, and then I kind of came to the end of my self-examination and I naturally was looking at everything else. But, of course, all my experiences and romantic relationships and stuff are still peppered in to some of the songs on this record. Also, with Obama as the president, me and everybody I know, I think we felt very safe and protected, felt like we were being viewed the way we wanted to be viewed, in terms of the world. So there wasn’t as much to say except, like, look how far we’ve come and it’s getting better, getting even better. I feel like there was quite a shift. — With this record you have infused more politics than ever before. I think it’s not necessarily a political record, but it is a record of the day. I don’t know this for a fact, but I would imagine that you have a decent number of sort of middle American fans for whom Trump’s inauguration and administration is not problematic. How do you negotiate expressing your own honest feelings about these things, and do you think about whether or not it’s going to piss them off, or is this something that has inspired ire from people who at one point were in you core? LDR: You don’t negotiate when it comes to your work or your art. You stand totally firm and take the consequences. In terms of losing fans I don’t care. Period. [Laughs.] — The last two albums, ‘Honeymoon’ and ‘Ultraviolence,’ it seemed like you concentrated on making stuff for yourself, and perhaps for your core audience. With this record, it at  appears that there is a more expansive ambition. LDR: I would consider it as a not turning away from the possible bigger-ness of it, compared to the other two. Before, I felt maybe I wanted to be more protective of my own space and stuff with the last two records. — Was that a reaction to the success of records like the remix to ‘Summertime Sadness’? LDR: I think it was a reaction to more people knowing who I was right away. So I was like, Let me just check myself and get myself into a place where I’m sure I like what I’m doing, and I know I like the production. With the ‘Summertime Sadness’ remix, I had told you before, I didn’t hear that song until it was on the radio and I came back from a show in Russia, and I heard it on the radio. I mean, obviously in general I like to have my hands all over the production. — Was that a weird feeling to like - LDR: It was a weird… — Is it weird also that it’s probably - LDR: That it’s a huge song? — ...your biggest hit? LDR: Really? You’re gonna say that? — I mean, radio numbers at least. LDR: No, you’re probably right. — Probably not your most important song, but… LDR: I think ‘Video Games’ is right up there. I was more sensitive about it then because when you’re new you’ve got so much to prove. You don’t have that many chances. That’s real. I’d consider it at the time just being careful. You know, in terms of collabs or sponsorships or whatever. — Is it freeing now to feel that you can do whatever feels good in the moment? LDR: Yeah. It is actually. — Do you feel like that played into the larger ambition of ‘Lust For Life’? LDR: Rocky’s on the record, and when he’s in town and I’m here, I’m just down at the studio anyway. Or the same with Abel, you know? I’ll just go down and listen to what he’s working on. I realized, Why do I not have my friends on my record? It was pretty natural but I guess with Abel, everything he does now is so big, so at another time maybe that would’ve felt like a little bit scarier or something, but now it just feels right. — What do you mean? LDR: Well, he’s super out there and he’s got a lot of radio stuff so I don’t know if I would’ve known what to do with a big radio song. I’m not saying I have one on this record… — But if you are to have one, you feel confident that it would be exciting? LDR: That I would be happy, yeah. — David Byrne from the Talking Heads wrote an amazing book about the history of music, and he goes into the significance of radio in how songs are formatted, and the idea that it’s like three minutes with three hooks and a bridge—there’s nothing in nature that says that that’s how music should be composed. It’s strictly about how radio programmers want to get three songs per commercial break, so that has sort of trained the artists to work within those confines. LDR: For sure. And they’re not terrible confines to work within. It’s kind of fun to make a short song with a cute chorus. But I think if you’re writing it yourself it’s important to have half the record at least where you’ve got a little bit of your life in there, or a little bit of an opinion. I think if you’re really good you can do both. I was thinking of Bob Dylan. — What is the measure of success for you? LDR: The one thing that stayed the same is, for me the measure of success with the record is just that it gets finished. [Laughs.] For real. — Did Sean Lennon make the record? LDR: He made it. — I saw that you took these pictures with a horse, but it was not a horse that was coming out of a pond on his estate, so I didn’t know if that was like a subliminal shot. LDR: It’s not, no. Horses have just been a random theme somehow. He ended up producing the track we made, ‘Tomorrow Never Came,’ and that’s the only track on the record that I wrote over the last two years that I didn’t feel like it was mine. I  felt like I had written it for someone else, which I… I’ve never really felt like that. Then I was looking at the lyrics and I had a lyric about John Lennon and Yoko, so I called Sean and asked him if he would do a duet with me. He said that he was his dad’s biggest fan, so it would be really natural. — The other thing I’ve noticed is that almost all the people that you work with are men. Is that something you ever think about, or that bothers you? LDR: Well, it’s weird because the people in my close production life are men. I guess I’m thinking of like Rick [Nowels] and my two engineers, Dean Reed and Kieran Menzies, who have changed my whole musical life and my sound and my records. But in my personal life, there’s just so many women. Well there’s not many female producers, for sure. There’s some great female songwriters though. That’ll probably change. — When you think about yourself as a songwriter, how do you think you’ve changed from ‘Born To Die’ days to what you’re writing now? LDR: Maybe just the ability to integrate my own experiences with what I’m observing. To be able to reflect back, like a good mix of inner world, outer world. — Toxic relationships were very much the fuel of a lot of the writing on those first albums, as you have moved to a sort of happier, more solid place, perhaps making better life decisions - LDR: Trying. — How do you think about your romantic life, and how do you think about it within the context of your songwriting? LDR: I feel like in this record there’s—with the songs that are “love songs,” or about relationships, I feel like I come off almost more annoyed about the way things are going rather than like, “Oh, poor me.” There’s like a moving that I get from my own stuff, because sometimes my own stuff is a little bit revealing to me, you know, about myself. — With a lot of artists who write very personal stuff, when they get to this point in their career it sometimes gets more difficult to unearth and reveal those things because of success and fame and the work. LDR: That’s so true. — Do you feel like it’s a greater challenge now? LDR: Yeah, but I’ve never been somebody who turned away from really hard work. I’m always looking to put the footwork in. Like with the mixing, if it takes eight months I will mix for eight months. If the master doesn’t come back right I’ll find someone else to do it. With the personal stuff I mean, if I feel like I’m just not getting it right I’ll just keep on trying different things until I feel like I’m hitting my stride in that department. I don’t know, finding your own path is not for the faint of heart. It’s the harder path. It’s easier to just keep doing the same shit over and over again and then be surprised when it’s still the same results. Somehow that’s easier than just doing something different. — A lot of what got written about you in the beginning, and in a somewhat real way, you had developed a character. I imagine a large part you, and then perhaps something that’s imagined. As you’ve gotten further and further into your career do you feel like the lines between those things have changed or blurred? LDR: I mean, that’s what most of the thinkpieces are about. You know, there’s a lot of stuff I could’ve not said in the songs and I said it anyway. It didn’t always serve me to talk about some of the men I was with and what that was like, and then not comment on it further. So that’s some of my experiences and where I lived and what it was like. It would’ve been easier to just not say that and then deflect all of the questions about it afterwards. — So do you think that was sort of overstated? LDR: I didn’t edit myself when I could have, because a lot of it’s just the way it was. I mean, because I’ve changed a lot and a lot of those songs, it’s not that I don’t relate but… A lot of it too is I was just kinda nervous. I came off sort of nervously, and there was just a lot of dualities, a lot of juxtapositions going on that maybe just felt like something was a little off. Maybe the thing that was off was that I needed a little more time or something, and also my path was just so windy just to get to having a first record. I feel like I had to figure it out all by myself. Every move was just guesswork. — It’s kind of funny because you were in your mid-twenties when you sort of came out and I do think if you look at artists that dropped their first albums between like 25 and 27, whether it’s an Eminem or Jay Z, it’s like, if you looked at their work at 22 - LDR: Yeah, exactly. It’s different. — It would’ve been very raw and unfocused. There was no Slim Shady for Eminem at 22, but at 26 he had the full 360 package. LDR: Jay Z talks about that too, like how he really, really lived by the time he was 26. There was a real perspective he was coming from. So, yeah, it’s a real age where... — You can put together a project that's more fully formed. LDR: Right. And my perspective was fully formed, it just wasn’t a great outlook. It’s not so much a persona question with me, it’s just more like what was going on with that girl, you know? Like, where was she coming from? — There’s been an inordinate amount of conversation around the idea of cultural appropriation, and Katy Perry kind of stepped right in it with her performance on SNL. You have moved fairly organically from the singer/songwriter world into hip-hop, and back out and back in without much commotion. Why do you think that is? LDR: I never feel like I’m not where I’m supposed to be, you know? No matter who I’m with, I’m always still doing my own thing. I can’t remember the last time I was in a club or somewhere and felt like, Man, I’m not supposed to be here. I’ve been kind of doing it for so long I feel like everybody I’m friends with, everyone I know just knows I’m all about the music. — Do you have any consideration for the critics and all of the sort of dissection for your art at this point? LDR: Yeah, sometimes. I have a song called ‘Get Free’ which closes my record, and it started by, it told my whole story, I guess, and my thoughts on where I want to go next; and then I realized, I actually don’t want to tell my whole story, I don’t want to talk about it.  — How do you negotiate what you keep for yourself and what you are ready to share? LDR: Sometimes I just can’t resist to just tell it like it really is for myself and the way that I feel.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Doing the Write Thing #49 after figuring out what the heck the problem was

**I wrote this blog post last night while falling asleep, and as I state at the end, decided to wait to post it until today so not to embarrass myself because exhausted Rachel can’t sentence, so just keep that in mind**

So tonight’s writing session is interesting because I could totally end the book right here but also I’m sort of mid a Lonan Clark Interrogation (TM) scene and that would cause an interesting start for a book six that totally isn’t going to happen. Psh.

(por queeeeeeeeee)

I’m sitting on this one.

SO if you’ve been keeping up with these DtWT posts, you’d definitely know that I’ve been in such a weird slump of all slumps that’s not entirely writer’s block, but not entirely straight boredom, and more an icky middle in which everything is just awful and writing = hello migraine.

Well I figured out why!

If you’ve been following me since I started this blog in 2015 (honestly is anyone here from then, if so hellooooooooooooo even tho I'm pretty sure I was the only one who was reading my own posts in basically all of 2015 looool), but anyway. If you’ve been here since then, you’ve witnessed my Am I A Pantser Or Nahhhhh phase, of which I’m INCREDIBLY passionate about Pantsing. In recent days, I’ve found a middle between outlining and pantsing (except I’m also not a plantser), and blah, blah, the struggle is real, which label do I identify with etc etc.

WELL I feel as if I’ve sort of solidly figured that out

Here’s some insight on the chapter I’ve been writing for the past 3 weeks of my life (which is way too long and much too slow for my pace because I’m a GOGOGO kind of person, not that 3 weeks is too long if you write chapters in 3 weeks, I’m just addicted to not taking breaks, so yes, I digress). The chapter (chapter 29) is planned out in detail. I have tons of its pieces written out in notes (which you can see examples of in THIS post), lots of dialogue written--it’s just very planned out.

AND OH BOY HAS IT BEEN A PAIN IN MY ASS TO WRITE.

Even though I was so excited for it, and couldn't wait, and had so much energy when I first popped open that Word doc, my steam died. And it died really quickly. I was writing incredibly slowly. My prose was so lame and dry and choppy, and I was basically just filling in the details for the notes I’d already written. And that’s the thing...

I’m not a planner, my dudes.

I don't write my best stuff with outlines. I don't feel the best about the scenes I’ve outlined. I don't think the prose is the best in the scenes I’ve outlined. I don't get excited thinking about the scenes I’ve outlined after I’ve struggled to write them for 3 weeks.

I love the chapters I Pants. I love the rush of pantsing, and the way my fingers legit fly across the keyboard when I know exactly which words I need to place as I go along. I’m walking across a pathway I’m simultaneously paving. And I love that. I do my best work when I’m pantsing.

The problem was obvious, and I don't know why I didn't see it before but to be clear, the issue I had this entire time was because I had outlined the scene before this in such meticulous detail. Not because I wanted to, but because it just happened. In a moment, I had so much energy for a new scene, and wrote down a ‘scene screenplay’ of it. Was so stoked to write it. I was merely taking down notes.

But the issue here is, I planned it.

And I do this all the time. I write down ‘scene screenplays’ whenever I get an idea. I spill my brain out into my notes and pack in much detail as I need to every time I get an idea. This time was no different. I just figured out why I was having so much of a problem.

Unfortunately, there’s legit nothing I can do about this problem. I’m going to continue to get ideas (pls don't jinx that pls), and I’m going to continue to write them down. Because I don't like keeping everything all in my head when I see something super vividly. This problem is always going to happen, and the writing I pants is always just going to be more passionate than the writing I don't. I don't know why that is, but I figure it’s because I lose all my inspiration/steam after I’m done writing the idea in a note.

I don't know if anyone else has this issue, but I know I have to compromise to make it work. I don't think Pantsing everything in the entire world will work for me because I always get ideas for news scenes (which I love!). But something I noticed is, I usually don't get that same rush when I’m writing something I outlined. I don't have anything against outlining (in fact I think you’ll always need some sort of an outline at one point in the editing phase), and I do enjoy it, buuuuuuut alas, everything doesn't work for everyone all the time.

This is a trend I can pick up on if I just think back to the scenes I’ve written with direction VS without direction. It sucks since I like outlining and think it’s great, but it’s something I’ve learned to deal with since I’ve written 7 books like this. Sometimes writing planned scenes is much easier than others, other times not so much. It really does depend.

But that was the issue. lol. I’m sort of dumb for not seeing that sooner, but that’s what happened here. Not like I’m mad about it or sad about it or anything, I’ve been doing this for a long time. Sometimes it’s easier, and sometimes it isn’t. I do really enjoy outlining tho so I am a little bummed if anything.

ALSO: writing down ideas with less detail in the future also won’t help because I like having every single detail while also not having any details at all, so basically I can’t win here LOL. It’s an interesting game to play to say the least. But anyway, now that that’s been said, onto the update!

Daily word count goal: 250

Words written: 1407

Total word count: 124 942

Total page count: 226

Songs played: She abandoned all her music in favour of no music land. :(

Things to know: I’m incredibly delirious off exhaustion right now, so if anything I wrote above made no sense, and if anything I share below makes no sense, this is why.

How I felt: Oh so much better. Guess who hardcore pantsed the end of this chapter and totally enjoyed herself? Meeeee.

Bad haiku to describe writing session: Pantsing is something / I really do like to do / It is the best thing

I really hope it doesn't sound like I’m bashing outlining by the way, or saying outlining is problematic and inhibits creativity, because I really don't believe that. I hope my message makes sense under my exhaustion. I love to outline, but Pantsing for me produces better work. And it’s unfair for me to not to take that into consideration in the future. Thankfully I figured out why I was having problems, and I guess by tis, I really am sort. <<< Future Rachel is editing this post at 1PM and not removing this line lol. Honestly, I have no idea what I was trying to say here, but if this shows you how tired I was...

Rating of writing session out of 10 and why: Like a 7.8! Much better than before, though I was still a bit stuck initially.

On a scale from 1-10 my level of stoked-ness is: A 7, let’s see where this takes us.

Lyrics to describe writing session: I'm losing myself / Due to a lack of sleep I'll never quite be / What people expect of me 

--Falling Apart, Surf Curse (Nothing Yet)

cuz u always need some angst in ur life exhaustion angst 2k17

GIF to describe writing session:

oh the messing around thing is actually me because the end half of this chapter was written by delirious Rachel who needs sleep asap pls so it’s like how the f does this connect to a and b but delirious Rachel is like nah nah it makes sense and then it sort of does if you squint and turn your head at the right angle.

Excerpt:

First, some words from Lonan:

...and torture became your painkiller.

did u know lonan also writes hallmark cards:

We make the best friends in our worst moments.

and now onto the random shit my brain came up with i’m literally dying of no sleep my sentences make no sense wat:

I want misery, and in misery, company. And in company, solitude. And in solitude, suffocation.

ok whatever that means

I want love, but love is callous.

So in an effort to scavenge what I can of it, I drill a habitat for myself in my own body. I live here. Where the walls are made of ribbons of tissue and painted with blood. Where the foundation lies upon feeble bones, and the control centre nurses itself on bitter memories. This is my home. The place I can find love, but not the place love can find me. I rely on myself, rather on the incalculable doings of fate, or the cold hands of reason.

I mean that could mean a whole bunch of things buuuut tired me is like wut is English how does one decipher metaphor wat.

So that’s it. I’ll probably post this tomorrow after I re-read it so I don't post it now and embarrass myself in front of the internet. Ok cool.

--Rachel