#stánek na rohlíky

[marty-man]

STEZKA ČESKEM - Den 16 - 33,5km

Ráno vstanu a jdu ven. Majitelé akorát přijíždějí, tak si objednám kafe a psychicky se připravuji na dnešek. Pak se rozloučím a vyrážím na cestu, dnes poslední 30+etapa v této sérii. Za 4km je hned Mikulov. Začíná to pěkně smažit a já se musím hydratovat. Na stanovišti u jeskyních na Turoldu do sebe zvrhnu flašku vody a ledňáčka a koupím něco do deníčku. Jdu směrem do města a nedaleko je Kozí hrádek s vyhlídkou, tak si koupím vstupenku a jdu se podívat. To je nádhera vám povím. Mikulov jako na dlani, radnice, zámek, židovská obec, Dietrichsteinská hrobka (kostel sv.Anny), apod. Nad městem se tyčí Svatý kopeček, kde se to hemží lidmi a jsem rád, že tamtudy stezka nevede. Tady je to mnohem lepší. Tak se kochám a fotím.

Odtud pokračuji dále do města na krásné náměstíčko se spoustou obchůdků, vináren a restaurací.

Chci se někde najíst, ale nakonec nic nevyberu a když se ocitnu u Billy na konci města, je to jasný. Sekačka, dva rohlíky a kuřecí kousky. Další láhev vody k tomu. Následující občerstvení bude až za dlouho, tak posilněn vyrážím za město, kde se napojuji na cyklostezku, ze které nemám slézt až do konce dne. Pravé poledne, slunce praží a nikde žádný stín. Ale nějak extra mi to nevadí, příprava byla správná. To šlapání po asfaltu už třetí den ale není to pravé ořechové…velmi slušně řečeno. Do sluchátek si dám další podcast o hokeji, ať se trochu ochladím. 

Na zastávce vlaku v Březí je hospůdka, tak mám cíl, kde se občerstvím. Dám si pivečko a přečkám trochu toho přímého slunce. To je asi to poslední dobrý, co mě dneska čeká. Nevím ani jak to popsat, jsou to nekonečné dálavy asfaltové silnice, kde si všichni sviští na kolech, nezdraví a já jako jediná jitrnice, jdu pěšky. Vlastně celá etapa by byl krásný cyklovýlet, je to tu rovné, cyklostezky jsou všude a jede to pěkně. Po pár dalších úmorných kilometrech se u obce Jevišovka zjeví stánek, který mi mapa předtím neukazovala. Jsem v půlce a už absolutně nemůžu. Dávám si radler a zouvám si boty na odpočinutí. Do řeči se semnou dá místní pobuda co smrdí víc než já a vůbec nemám sílu na něj reagovat. Když se to začne zvrhávat tak uteču, teda spíš se sunu jak slimák. Problém je v tom, že mám úplně otlačená chodidla a na tom tvrdém betonu prostě nemůžu došlapovat. Takže často zastavuju a snažím se odpočívat a přitom odháním bandy komárů. To člověka prostě vydeptá. Bolest je jen informace pro mozek, ale když nemůžeš šlapat, je to na vycházce trochu problém. Plosky mi hoří a chodidla mám v pěst. Mozoly mám i na puchejřích. Každý krok nejde myslet na nic jiného. Podcastů jsem slyšel už asi 10. Musím se dostat do tábořiště u vody a jestli se mi to nějakou náhodou povede, tak mě tam sežerou komáři, takže stejně umřu. Konečně se doplazím pod obec Hevlín, kde zase pauzíruju a pak se kolem řeky Dyje vydávám k tábořišti, které je jestě 5km daleko. Pozitivní je, že se jde trávou, což už není tak hrozné. Konečně sem tu!

Strkám nohy do ledové vody a je to úleva. Dám si cigáro abych zahnal komáry, postavím tarp, najím se a dobrou. Zítra spím do probuzení. Tohle byl prozatím nejnáročnější den na stezce. 

[myvalzpival]

obrození může opět volně dýchat a pokračovat v bohulibé činnosti, protože Michael Petr aka strejda ze Stánku na rohlíky je zpět a má dvě nový pecky. takže brzy bude špatná review B^) ALE co je nejduležitější:

[myvalzpival]

This is exactly the case of one anon message ruining a whole bunch of lives. But you asked for it, I’ll act upon it. Time to ruin your guys’ fucking weekend :)

So, yeah. First of all, that really is the full name of the video on youtube. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s focus on the apeshit feral shitstorm we’ve just listened to :)

To give you some context as of what I’ve been doing these past two days, upon the first listen (by which i mean i made it through the first verse and stopped because i couldn’t breathe), I was convinced this was a fake. It’s just another Nikki Tučková. This can’t be real. This CAN’T be serious, like, come on, that’s too much even for the Czech pop scene. So it was time to start digging around.

I googled Mr. Petr and the only kinda relevant-looking thing that popped up was this website. Now, bear in mind that this song came out 4 days ago, i was made aware of it 3 days ago, and since then the face of the Internet has changed drastically. So I’m staring at this dancer dude with a terrible english website, contemplating whether or not I should message this poor dude and offer my translation knowledge because it hurts my soul. But as I read through it, i was like... nah, that can’t be him. Although.... *violent flashback to the video, realizing he actually DOES dance really well*

So I continue digging and find exactly nothing. Then I finally decided to open the info card under the video and, voila, there’s a website! And WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT yes, it’s THE Michael Petr from StarDance. Also, just between us, he also has a rock project which sounds very suspiciously close to Trent’s Mystic Spiral from Daria.

So at that point I find an idnes article and I just know this whole thing is, indeed, meant very seriously and I turn into this very sad entity craving a hotdog.

Anyways! Time for the actual music breakdown!

1) It has a very generig Czech pop feel. There’s fucking nothing in that instrumental to make it memorable in any way. I tried to dig for something, i really tried, i found nothing, i was sad.

2) The whole lyrics don’t have one. single. rhyme. in it. I don’t know how on earth he did it, but this is like some wild dadaism shit. Phrasing doesn’t exist either.

3) On that note, there is NOT A SINGLE ROHLÍK IN THE VIDEO. But I’ll talk about 2) and 3) into more depth later.

4) The second I heard “ňamňamňamňamňam” my soul transcended into another realm

5) Dare I say it? I dare to say it. Michael neumí zpívat. Don’t get me wrong, he can maintain a tone, that’s nice. His voice is quite smooth and has a nice colour as well. Not interesting, but nice. But holy shit there’s exactly zero technique. Which might still not be a problem if there was at least some confidence/feel in it. Which is not. Therefore, Michael, in my eyes, can’t fucking sing and I’ll have this engraved on my gravestone out of spite if anyone tries to convince me otherwise. To elaborate a little, I didn’t listen just to this, I tortured myself by listening to all three of his so far released songs and it’s just not working. He sounds incredibly scared and not confidend while singing, which, considering his ego, is really interesting to me, you can clearly hear this dude hasn’t stood on stage singing EVER and he’s absolutely weirded out by the studio he’s recording at. And don’t even get me started on that harmonizing at the end... Holy shit. 

6) ON THIS NOTE! I shit you not, there’s an English version!

And believe it or not, it gives us a beautiful overview of everything that goes wrong in both the versions because, believe it or not, they differ A LOT.

I’m still a little puzzled about which of the versions happened first. He states in the idnes interview that the album is Czech-English, but one version clearly had to be first. I would guess the English version came out first because it actually RHYMES, but then again when you look at the Czech lyrics, they are not a translation. So what exactly happened there??? My guess is that the two versions were made in two different studios. I’d say the English version was done in America and the producer made Michael re-write the lyrics so that they rhyme, otherwise they wouldn’t want to have anything to do with such a shitty project. Yeah, the lyrics still suck but like... *sigh* listen, i don’t want to bash anyone for their knowledge of a foreign language. He clearly tried and I appreciate that, I’m just baffled by his confidence in his English abilities is all :’) But you can probably hear the English version differs even in the instrumental itself, it really adheres to the norms of American/Western notion of generic pop. You can also hear that the producer clearly FORBID Michael from doing the atrocious harmonizing, which I would love to publicly thank them for. The Czech version was obviously produced here, it has a more Czech feel to it and adheres to our norms instead. And the harmonizing is there. Now, I’m talking about the “ROHLÍK, DÁM SI JEDEN ROHLÍK” screamo situation which... is just all over the place, to put it kindly. I don’t know what the producer was thinking, but I can imagine that after dealing with Michael for some time, they just went “fuck it” and kept it in. Now, when we move to the last chorus, which has a gradual harmonizing added to it, I dare to guess it’s autotuned. Only slightly, but it is. Basically, it sounds way too flat (i mean his voice is overall real flat but the voices just “click” into each other way too well) and we know he tries to sing the harmonizing voices separately in the English version and it doesn’t go very well, does it. Last little note: Why is the English version on a different channel? I am confusion.

On the other hand, we can see that this whole project is a great example of over-production. The production value is huge. It’s well mixed (well, for what it is), the MV is a great quality, although a little stupid. But srsly, the dancemoves are 500% better than anything Aquababes’ve ever done, so at least that was nice. Also, 10/10 would DIE for Ms. Hotdog Lady, she’s having the time of her life and I’m here for that!

To give some more context, when I watched it 3 days ago, one day after its release, it had about 4k views, about 20 likes and about 400 dislikes. The comments were disabled. The English version had significantly less views, but the like/dislike ratio was similar, only the comments were enabled and, well... Let’s just say they aren’t anymore and for a very good reason. The numbers right now are about 26k views on Rohlíky and about 4k on Hot Dogs. The numbers of likes and dislikes are hidden with both of them. “Cesta”, the rock-ish song-ish thing, has about 800 views and everything is disabled as well. 

EDIT: Literally 10 seconds after posting this, the English version was deleted and uploaded on the same channel as Rohlíky. And guess what, you can still comment on it B^)

[myvalzpival]

hej já vim že je to asi bez šance ale

není tu náhodou někdo, kdo má staženou českou verzi Stánku na rohlíky?

mě ta písnička fakt chybí :c